People Make Some Tough Choices In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Denying My Mom A Concert Ticket To Keep Date Night Intimate?
“I (20m) and my SO (20f) recently got our hands on 3 secondhand tickets to a concert we’ve been very excited to see.
During a talk with my mom, she asked if she could also come along since she has always wanted to see the band.
The thing is I really don’t want her to come along. I would like to go with just my SO. When I told Mom that I don’t want her to come along she became upset, talking about how I don’t want to do anything with my family anymore.
Pretty much saying I’m too attached to my SO. When I told her to go with her own friends she said that none of hers wanted to and I got the tickets for such a good price.
I understand that she feels a bit let down, but I know plenty of other family members who also wanted to go that didn’t ask if they could come along with us.
But in the end, I feel like a bad person for denying her this experience.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ/ESH – I get that it’s supposed to be a date, and sharing the news with your mom is expected, however, why even mention having 3 tickets (unless I read it wrong) if you had just said you scored tickets for you and your SO there would not have been a problem.
Even with the 3rd ticket your mom should not feel entitled to the open spot.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ—they’re your tickets and you and your SO get to decide who comes along. I’d be uncomfortable too if I wanted to do a fun couple’s activity only for one of my parents to want to come along.
I’d understand if you were minors and needed to have a parent come with, but you’re both adults and want to go to the concert just the two of you. Plus, your mom is an adult too, if she’s desperate to see said band then I’m sure she can find a future venue they’re playing at and go see them then.
Have a great time at the concert by the way!!” thelilbel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your mom wanting to be part of your couple’s time is (or becomes) a regular occurrence, you may want to look into things called “grey rocking” and “info diet.” They’re good foundations for setting healthy boundaries.
In this instance if using those tools you would not have mentioned the concert until it was over or you would have not shared that there was a great deal on the tickets or that three were available; if your mom thought there were only two then she’d have to put herself in the position of asking that she be your date.
By not disclosing the discount on the tickets you’re removing a positive incentive (saving money) that might tempt your mom to do something she’d normally pass on due to concerts usually being stupidly expensive. Seriously though, don’t feel bad for having a date night without a third wheel.
Seeing your partner is healthy and normal; taking Mom on every date is not.” [deleted]
21. AITJ For Not Wanting My Stepdad To Touch My Phone?
“I (14F) just got a phone. My grandma got a new one, so my mom gave me her old one.
Anyway, tomorrow my mom said she’s going to tell my stepdad that I have a phone, which is obviously okay, but he has an issue with not respecting my privacy. A year or two ago he also bought me a phone, which he demanded to know everything about, checking through it and wanting to know my password and stuff.
I totally and completely get wanting to make sure your child is safe, but he’s really overbearing when it comes to personal devices, and I just wish he’d mind his own.
One time, he tried to force me to enter my password, and I refused, and he got really mad.
And I mean REALLY mad.
I get really stressed and scared whenever he gets angry, and I start crying. I just feel like a jerk, because he’s probably just concerned and wants to make sure everything is okay.
AITJ for not wanting my stepdad to touch my phone?”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ for wanting privacy, but since you are 14, talk to your mom about this. It sounds like you understand that parents (and step-parents) are concerned with their kids being online with strangers, school bullying, and kids planning inappropriate things, but perhaps your mom can help come up with a compromise between you and your stepdad.
There are some real creeps online; it really depends if your stepdad is a controlling jerk or if he just doesn’t want something bad to happen to you and doesn’t want you getting influenced by hateful people. Remember a phone is a privilege. Again, you’re 14.
I’d guess that if you use it responsibly, you will get more privileges as you get older. You shouldn’t be ‘sneaky’ but be Smart about how you use your phone, what you save, what you send, what websites you look at, and the way you speak to people.
Also remember ‘clear history’ is your friend.” CarrieCat62
Another User Comments:
“Are you being a jerk? Absolutely not. But I think you may be lacking perspective at 14 which might make it easier for you to understand stepdad’s behavior. Not only is unfettered and unmonitored access to the internet dangerous if you don’t have the experience and education to know how to protect yourself, but it also puts the people providing you access at risk.
There are things you can do that are highly illegal and can get your legal guardian(s) in big trouble. There are legitimate reasons to worry that the access you have now that you have a cell phone is more than you’re prepared to handle.
I have children slightly younger than you and children slightly older than you, and I worked hard to give them the opportunity to demonstrate responsibility. If you’re invested in advocating for yourself, you might suggest using the service I use called Bark, which monitors your activity without giving your parents access to all of your accounts.
One of the big advantages of a service like this is I don’t have to log in and monitor my kids’ emails, but they will send me a warning if they find emails or chats where the kids are accessing content that might be inappropriate.
It gives us some peace of mind while also allowing the kids to have some privacy.” will592
Another User Comments:
“Going to say no jerks here; you want your privacy, and he wants to make sure you’re being safe. He’s going about it the wrong way, obviously.
If it’s an Android phone, I recommend your parents use the Google family app. Limits types of apps and allows parental restrictions, as well as adding a tracking system. Not sure if iOS has something similar, so they would need to check.” Oldandenglish
20. AITJ For Telling My Sister Off After Exposing My Secret Criminal Record?
“My sister and I have a love-hate relationship, and sometimes we tell each other that we don’t like each other at the moment of something minor.
But when she outright told my entire family my deepest secret, I lost it.
It happened like 2 weeks ago, and she still hasn’t forgiven me for what I said. So essentially, my family and friends were sitting at the dinner table for my sister’s birthday, and we were laughing and joking around until she thought it was ok to bring up the fact that I have a semi-criminal record and everyone just stopped. Obviously, I got mad and asked her to apologize for what she said, but when she refused to do that, and went into more detail about it.
I got extremely upset because no one knew about my record except my mum and stepdad. I yelled at her and told her I wished she was dead, and stormed off to my room.
Everyone has sided with my sister, saying I’m the jerk, but I don’t think I am, so I’m asking you guys.
Am I the AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She majorly violated your trust. You said something in anger, whereas what she said was deliberate. That’s a person to be extremely wary of. No or low contact if possible.” ElimGarakOfCardassia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think the crime in question is what seals it for me.
That sort of allegation ruins lives, wtf was your sister even thinking bringing that up in such a public situation? The only explanation I can think of is that maybe she thinks you’re guilty and doesn’t like the fact you’ve been able to hide it from everyone.” Useful_Experience423
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for that, but I can see your family might feel hurt that you didn’t tell them you were going through something so awful for you.” DazzleLove
19. AITJ For Demanding Cold Air While My Partner Embraces Summer Heat?
“My partner is from the Middle East and loves hot weather. I do not. I like the house at 72F at most. The way I see it, if he is cold, he can put a jacket or sweater on, but I can’t take my skin off to get any cooler.
It’s 84f in the apartment and I’m dying. It makes me feel nauseated to be so hot. He says it’s summer and we should experience the seasons. If he wants to experience the seasons, he can go on the balcony or go outside, but he says he likes to be inside with all the windows open.
I say he’s bringing the outside inside. Who’s the jerk here? Ps, we both pay rent, and utilities are included, so if we set it to -1000 it wouldn’t change the bill.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re 100% in the right here. If your partner loves the heat, he can bury himself in as many layers as he wants until he feels like he’s living in a sauna or go sit outside in the warm weather.
You, however, cannot create cold from nothing, and overheating when you’re more of a cold climate kind of person is one of the worst feelings. Your partner needs to get over not liking the AC being on and just put on some extra layers or blankets if it bothers him.” ShadowCoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sorry, in real life, you both have to talk about what temperature you need to live at in order to be comfortable. It’s just a reality. You need a certain temperature and he is fine with any temperatures. He needs to respect you and put aside his attitude and compromise so that you’re comfortable.
If he loves you and if he cares about you, this will translate into him caring about you being comfortable. If he wants to control you and if his attitudes are more important to him than you, that’s what he will push for. This is not OK.
It’s actually not about the temperature. It’s about control. For him. For you, it’s common sense and being comfortable and letting your body be healthy at a good temperature.” mcclgwe
18. AITJ For Not Getting A Second Gift For My Son's Shared Birthday Party?
“My son (10) was invited to his friend’s birthday party a few weeks ago (that’s tomorrow). Then yesterday, apparently, his friend told him that it’s a combined party with his cousin.
My son has never met his cousin.
Now my wife thinks that we need to take our son shopping tonight for a second gift to give to the cousin.
I really don’t think it’s that big of a deal. We don’t know the cousin or what they like.
I’m sure the cousin will have their own friends there and I doubt everyone who’s going is bringing two gifts.
My wife seems to think that by not getting a present for the cousin now that we know it’s a combined party, we’re going to look like “those people.” Whatever that means.
WIBTJ If I don’t get a second present for my son’s friend’s cousin?”
Another User Comments:
“I wouldn’t; my kid would be going for their friend, not the cousin. They don’t know the cousin, so why get them a gift? I actually don’t agree with having joined parties like that.
Instead of the party being about you, now it’s shared, and everyone is expected to give both a gift. But really, if I don’t know you, I am not getting you a gift. The kid won’t even know who the gift or card is from.
If my wife wants to get him something, then stick some cash in a birthday card and there you go.” Awkward_Joke_5748
Another User Comments:
“Ick. What an awkward predicament. In general, if you’re invited to a party, there’s an expectation that you bring a gift for the celebrants, even if you don’t know them.
But I think I’m on your side for three reasons: 1. This was just told to you recently. It’s not like the invitations said ‘Jack & Jill’s party.’ Thus, to me, there’s less of an expectation that the party is ‘joint,’ and more that it’s ‘combined’ (two parties happening at the same time).
The party hosts are jerks for not making clear present expectations, or at least letting you know far enough in advance to make some plans. 2. It’s not like they’ll be opening their presents from the same people simultaneously. “Now let’s open presents from the Browns.
Now let’s open presents from the Hernandezes. Now let’s open presents from the Simpsons. Oh, the Simpsons only brought a present for Jack and not Jill? What inconsiderate people!” Even if they open presents at the same time, it won’t be from the same people.
People won’t be keeping track of who gave whom what, or whether each family gave both kids a present. 3. I think if the cousin got a gift from you, it might actually be awkward (at least for his family). Like, who is this guy and why is he giving me a Nerf gun (or whatever 10-year-olds like these days)?
So I’ll say NTJ.” Perdendosi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ (and your wife is not either for not wanting a kid to feel weird on his birthday. She has a big heart and also gets how things can look socially; it’s a pain to worry about crap like that).
I don’t think you need to get a gift for the cousin, BUT I’ve seen your replies; you are going to get something and that is so sweet. I think a board game or some type of outside game that the kids can play together (hopefully they are in the same age bracket).
I think the parents should have followed up and said, ‘Hey, our cousin is going to be there, blah blah,’ but you don’t need to bring a gift for him. We just figured a joint, for whatever reason, just works for our family. Seriously, that is what emails and texts are for.
Follow up, lol.” EvilOverLordEly
17. AITJ For Declining To Be The Godfather Because My Wife Was Excluded?
“My wife and sister haven’t gotten along for the last few years (barely talk to each other), and needless to say it’s been difficult managing the inter-familial relationships.
My sister and I both have godparents which are husband and wife, as do my wife and BIL, as is typical in our area, and the expectation/tradition is that the godparents would raise the child(ren) should anything happen to the parents, though as with most traditions like this, it has become a little more symbolic as of late.
Anyways, fast forward to Christmas of this year, and everyone’s handing out presents which in my family everyone opens up at the same time, so it’s a frenzy. Eventually, at the end of this frenzy, my sister and BIL hand me one last gift which they wanted everyone to be around/attentive for and start recording with their phone camera.
Sure enough, I was blessed to be asked to be the godfather to my recently born niece, but it was quite clear by the lack of a godmother gift as well, that my wife wasn’t also asked to be the godmother. So when I asked who it was going to be, she said she intended to ask her best friend because she helped her a lot during her pregnancy.
I responded by saying that, well, I am married and it simply wouldn’t be fair to my wife should anything actually happen. This went back and forth for some time and eventually, I just said that I would think about it.
I did genuinely think on this for some time, and obviously my wife was clearly disappointed in not also being asked despite their tumultuous relationship, as it felt like a pretty clear snub by my sister to my wife in their decision to not also ask her to be the godmother.
That said, I also personally didn’t feel comfortable being the godfather to my niece while my wife wasn’t, as it didn’t feel right, whether that be because of my wife not being included or simply familial tradition. Truthfully, I also felt it was pretty divisive by my sister and BIL, and intentionally exclusionary to my wife as my sister is my only sibling.
Come New Year’s Day a week later, I took my sister and BIL aside and politely declined and stated that while I was honored, I simply didn’t feel comfortable accepting.
Now I’m dealing with the fallout.
AITJ???”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think you’re coming from very different expectations about what godparents do.
You might be surprised to find that the ‘adopt the kids if anything happens’ isn’t everyone’s take on it. Your sister married into another family that doesn’t appear to have this expectation, so if something happened to your sister and BIL, they’re not expecting you and her best friend to somehow co-parent the kids.
It doesn’t sound like anyone was rude about it, hence the no jerks here, but you might want to talk to them about what they want a godparent to do vs. what you think they want you to do.” OkSecretary1231
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for declining.
That’s your choice. YTJ for the rest of it, though. Just because you and your sister had godparents who were in relationships doesn’t mean she needs to do the same. My family does godparents separately, that way if something happens to that family, you have the other side to help as well.
I.e., my godfather is my dad’s brother, and my godmother is a friend of my parents. If my parents had passed when I was a kid, my godfather would’ve taken me as he is direct family, then my godmother. If your partner and your sis don’t get along, why do you think she would want her to be her daughter’s godmother?
That’s like asking your high school bully to be your best man at the wedding because he slept with your sister?” schweindooog
16. AITJ For Being Disappointed In My Family's Gifts Despite Giving Them A Wishlist?
“I (20f) just spent my first Christmas back in my home country, after being in the USA the last year.
Around 1½-2 months ago, my family told me to make an Amazon wishlist. Initially, I only added 1 thing, a Blu-Ray of a movie that I really really wanted. On my family’s instance, I added two more things, a shirt of one of my favorite bands and a color by number.
I enjoy the really complicated ones.
Come Christmas day and the presents start flowing. My family is all excited over theirs, stuff they wished for or had on their wishlists, stuff relating to things they already had, or even things they had been meaning to buy.
I got a backpack, a glove-scarf-hat set (which got gifted to me twice, the same set), a sweater I can really only wear during Christmas and is not remotely to my style, a 2k pieces lego cat set, and a box set of a manga I follow (which included book 8, 9, and 10).
I felt sad. After watching my uncle and his wife especially get so much stuff. Even a hard-to-find lamp and an Apple watch. Everyone got something that related to things they liked or was stuff they wished for. I didn’t, even though this hadn’t really happened before my time in the USA.
Sure, my gift last year wasn’t big, and I get it, it’s expensive to ship between our countries and don’t I know it.
But I just would’ve thought they’d use the wishlist. THEY had insisted that I make it. All I really really wanted was that Blu-Ray or the shirt.
When I sought guidance from my friends, one said I shouldn’t be so sad, that my family is just saving it for another time. Other friends said that I am justified to be disappointed.
But I am just confused. While I regret that I said yes when my family asked if I liked my gifts, I don’t think I’d be brave enough to say that I am disappointed. But at the same time, the rest of the evening I was feeling down.
Maybe they noticed, but I don’t know.
Honestly, I just feel forgotten because nothing of the things really are my interests. Sure, I follow the manga and the box set is pretty, but it’s not something I was wishing for. And the cat kit is nice too, sure I’ll spend like a day or so building it.
But it just feels so useless that I made that wishlist just for it to be ignored.
WIBTJ for being disappointed in the gifts I received?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Do you have anyone in the group you can chat about this with to get their reasoning for why they chose their gift to you?
Any idea how many items other people had on their lists? I have 2 main theories and both are about your list being too short. 1. They assumed someone else would get those items. 2. I know some people who think gifts need to be a surprise. So, if you say ‘get me item Q’ then they won’t just get you that because it wouldn’t be a surprise.
But, if you have a lot of items on your wishlist then it is still a surprise that gets gifted. They could also have some totally different reason, but I am not going to call them jerks since it does sound like they put in effort to find things that you would enjoy.” NeptunianCat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s okay to be disappointed, but I do have to wonder if your wishes arrived too late for the items to be ordered and delivered, so folks just rolled with what they could find. You might also want to (very delicately) ask the person who had you make a list and inquire what happened with it, maybe who saw it, etc.” MOLPT
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I totally get where you’re coming from. ‘It’s the thought that counts!’ Well, not if the thrifts were thoughtless! I’ve been on the receiving end of being ignored and having unwanted/needed gifts piling up in a corner somewhere for years gathering dust because if I even thought about donating them or regifting them I’d get a guilt trip about how ‘they got it for me.’ There were even times when I asked for the receipt so I could return the item and get some money back or exchange for the thing I wanted/needed/deliberately asked for.
So, yeah, gift-giving occasions give me a LOT of anxiety. And I can relate in regards to the ignored feelings.” lydia_videll
15. AITJ For Confronting My Parents For Calling My Engagement A Marriage?
“Growing up in a South Asian household but also growing up overseas, I’ve always known my parents to prioritize maintaining a particular image within the family.
They’ve often bent the truth or avoided sharing certain decisions, especially when those decisions deviate from cultural norms (my nonacademic awards were posed as academic, etc.). I also didn’t become a Dr. like they wanted but chose a safe career option so they would accept it.
It’s frustrating and hurtful, but I’ve come to accept that it’s how they navigate their world. However, a recent incident has left me feeling deeply hurt.
After being in a relationship for 3 years (partner is not South Asian and follows a different religion), we decided to get engaged. I made sure my parents knew him well enough and liked him.
He even asked my father for permission before proposing. We got engaged. I shared the moment on social media.
After a few weeks, I received a “congratulations on your marriage” message from a family member back home. I was confused, but had a light bulb moment and asked my parents before replying.
Turns out, my parents had announced to the family back home that I had gotten married, not engaged.
When I confronted them, they initially brushed it off, saying it was “best for the family” to word it that way due to cultural perceptions. Then when I didn’t back down, they claimed they’d gotten “excited” and accidentally used the wrong word.
Regardless of their reasoning, I was upset. It felt like they had taken my moment and reshaped it to fit their narrative, creating confusion and forcing me to explain the situation to my fiancé as well, who was confused.
To make matters worse, some of my cousins who saw my engagement post first had already congratulated me before my parents’ announcement, which made the discrepancy even more glaring.
My parents took my confrontation as an overreaction and as being difficult (again).
They wanted to give money as a gift for a house, but now my fiancé and I are uncomfortable accepting it. My parents have a habit of using money as compensation if they do something hurtful.”
Another User Comments:
“You have to be practical about things like this. You know your parents are phonies. Nothing will ever change that. They will never simply be proud of you for being their daughter. They are who they are. Just take the money and buy the house or invest it.
Not taking the money is cutting off your nose to spite your face. You don’t have to actually forgive them or forget how they have hurt and disrespected both you and your fiancé. But don’t leave a literal house on the table because of pride.
It’s stupid and immature. This investment could set you and your partner and any kids you may have up for huge success in the future. It could mean early retirement or paid-off university for kids. Your parents won’t give you honest love but they will give you this.
Choose yourself and take it. NTJ.” jennyfromtheeblock
Another User Comments:
“I’m white, and having a baby with my South Asian partner, and his mom thinks we’re married (we’re not even engaged). Everyone’s keeping it a secret from his dad. I feel lucky that my family doesn’t have these strict societal norms, but I respect that his family is different and this is the best path for acceptance.
For example, for us to even be living together, there’s an assumption we’re married. Having a baby out of marriage is a sin they cannot fathom. The log kya kahenge/sochenge (“what will people say/think”) is sooo strong in South Asian cultures.
Again, I’m glad I don’t have to live my life with this worry, but I understand others – like your parents in their circles – do. You have every right to feel annoyed that your parents misrepresented the truth. You are living between two cultures with different expectations – and so are they, but they were raised in their more traditional culture where what people think is very real. You don’t have to agree with their actions, but I think remembering that they’re balancing between two worlds is helpful.
Give them a bit of grace, and ask them to talk to you about it beforehand next time so you’re not surprised/can come up with a way to communicate something that you feel more on board with (and good luck with that LOL – Aunties are gonna Auntie).” HP_TO
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are perfectly valid in feeling hurt because what your parents did was hurtful. But here’s the thing – Indian parents like these are nearly 90% of the population. Even my parents are like this. I got divorced. They didn’t tell their neighbors or family.
When I was getting remarried, I wanted to go to India and get married in their presence but they told me not to come. They told me I had their blessings and they wanted me to be happy but absolutely refused to attend. All because they couldn’t bring themselves to tell their neighbors that I was a divorcee and getting remarried to someone outside my community.
I had a few choice words for them and then went low contact for a while for my mental health. I went to therapy to process my emotions. That was helpful. We tend to see our parents as perfect but they can be deeply flawed individuals.” Divine_in_Us
14. AITJ For Refusing To Dress My Toddler According To My MIL's Color Rules?
“In our household (2 yo toddler, both working full time) I am the default parent and main mental load bearer. My husband does the laundry and has some other responsibilities but I am the one doing the big ones.
His parents help us out a lot which I am super grateful for. I had severe postpartum anxiety (neurodivergent and a history of GAD) and got panic attacks when our child was 6 months and she was a very demanding baby. I am also just learning how to set boundaries better and ask for help, which I have been very bad at previously.
Now to the question: His mother hates the color red (for whatever reason). I am already avoiding any red clothing or toy items for our child as well as for myself. Next week the daycare is closed due to the holidays and my in-laws will look after our child which, again, I am super grateful for.
Now this morning, after doing my morning routine, making coffee and breakfast for everyone, and getting our toddler dressed and ready to take her to daycare (which I do every day; we just recently installed the rule that he also gets up and helps me with it, previously he slept in every morning since she was born, and in 26 months I have not been the one to get up on exactly five occasions), he suddenly asks that I, next week when our kid goes to his parents instead of daycare, take care to dress her in blue and green only and avoid any hues or shades of anything red as his mother doesn’t like it.
I refused and said that I was not willing to add the shade of red as something to keep in mind on top of everything else.
AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If my kids are wearing pants it’s a win. I caught some grief about how my kids wore too much black as toddlers.
Apparently, it was going to make our kids weird like their parents. Because obviously being raised by us and sharing our DNA has less of an impact on their development and personality than a color. Lol I ignored them. They found something else to fuss about eventually.
And then something else. Her reaction is overboard, though. Is it possible she has trauma associated with red? Or is she super religious? The cult I was raised in deemed red to be for ‘harlots’ and ‘sinners’ and definitely not for girls.” WeddingFickle6513
Another User Comments:
“A lot of people are saying her request is ridiculous, and laugh it off. But she’s also the one willing to help, I’m guessing for free. And you say they help out a lot. I’m sorry, but dressing the kid in blue and green for a week sounds 1,000 times easier than starting a fight with someone who helps me.
I’m sorry but regular free childcare, in a safe and loving environment… sign me up for quirky MIL requests immediately. Your problem isn’t the MIL, it’s your husband. He’s not doing his fair share, and that strain makes any new request feel like someone is asking you to run a marathon.
You need to have a serious conversation with your husband about your burnout. You’re taking your frustration out on the wrong person. Just wait until your kid is in school and they have spirit week. Think of it as MIL Spirit week and the team colors are blue and green.
Also, if red colors make her angry or frustrated or make her think about things from her past, do you really want to remind her of those painful times while she’s watching your baby?” JadedVeterinarian877
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The moment MiL demanded ‘and now also no shades or hues of red are allowed, and you must dress Kid in green and blue for this coming visit’ I think it became very unlikely there was ever trauma, just control issues.
It really sucks that her help is so necessary to you because it puts you in the difficult spot of balancing ‘heed her requests so we don’t lose the much-needed help’ versus ‘these demands are crazy controlling and ridiculous to oblige and enough is enough.’ OP, if your finances can afford it and it’s not something you or your husband are averse to, perhaps start quietly looking for some sort of babysitter or nanny—someone who can help with kiddo (and maybe even with some of the chores) without adding to your mental load and stressing you out the way MiL does.” TazzmFyrflaym
13. AITJ For Asking My Husband To Watch Our Baby While I Pump?
“I (32 f) am 8 months postpartum. I do the night feeds and am the primary caregiver for our baby as I am on maternity leave. My husband (38 m) works full time.
I had made plans with my sister, who lives an hour away, to have a massage at her house and spend time together. This morning, I had made the plan to pump before the baby woke up. However, today he decided to sleep through the night and wake up at 6:30.
I started to feed him, and the bottle was leaking, getting the baby soaked everywhere. I asked my husband to change his clothes while I changed the bottle.
I started to feed the baby, and my husband got up about 30 minutes later and used the washroom.
I assumed he would be up for the day. At 7:30, he’s still in the washroom (taking a dump as part of his normal AM routine; he takes the phone with him). I ask if he’s almost finished. He comes out and asks what I needed. I said, “Can you watch the baby while I pump?” He never said he wanted to go back to sleep, mind you, he starts work at 9, but he does it.
Please note I’m taking the baby with me to my sister’s house. I just needed him to watch him for 1 hour so I could pump.
Fast forward to the end of the day. He comes home still fuming that I asked him to watch the baby.
He claims I asked him, a sick person (getting over a cold) who has to work OT, so I could go to my sister’s and have fun. I said I asked you one time. I said I needed to leave at 9 AM in order to be there for the appointment on time.
I am asking: AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ raising a child is a joint effort, sick or not, and it seems he hasn’t been helping at night anyway. He’s due to step up. As you’re on maternity leave, you’re presumably with the baby all day on top of doing the night work, so you’ve been on the clock 24/7.
His OT doesn’t touch that because he still gets to leave his work at work. Childcare should be 50/50 when he’s home. Heaven forbid you have fun one time after growing and raising a human for the past (nearly) two years.” Lobster-mom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Life is just hard; things happen and conflict arises. Yes, you’re not at fault—you planned and had a schedule to keep. You also needed help for the baby you both had. He’s unfortunately sick at an unfortunate time. He’s sick, tired, and has carried it with him for the day.
Let him sleep it off and then discuss with him that raising a child is hard. You are both in it, hopefully for the long haul, and when tough days come, you’ll need to find a way to come together and be stronger, or else you might splinter and resent each other.
You both owe that baby to do the best you can. Good luck, bro.” cbuck015
Another User Comments:
“So much we do not know about the husband to make the judgment. He could be working in an environment where it is toxic and competitive. I am not saying that he is entirely correct to get angry for doing his part.
Sometimes when people are tired and mentally exhausted, they see things differently. I could fairly say that the morning free time before heading out to work is probably the only time he could relax and get ready to work for the next more than 8 hours.
Try to talk about the real reason why he is upset about that morning arrangement. Sometimes you cannot make the assumption that your partner knows his role as a father. The funny thing about parenting is that sometimes you will assume the mother/father would know what their responsibilities are.
But in reality, it’s like working your first job without a guideline. It is communication that makes things work. If you try talking to your husband and try to understand why he was so upset, I am sure you and he can get over this little misunderstanding.
This kind of event will occur more and more as days go by; it is always good to know how to resolve a problem and find common ground, rather than keep circling how the event happened. In the end, he may still be upset, but at least he could understand the reason behind your action and should come to the understanding that when it comes to parenting, he has no choice but to be a parent and should always step in whenever his partner needs him.
He can be upset about it, but cannot hold grudges about it.” madhobbyhorse
12. AITJ For Choosing Sleep Over Chatting With My Hospital Roommate?
“I (30F) had surgery earlier today.
I gave birth to a baby six months ago. There was a complication which could not have been operated on at the time.
So I was the first surgery for the day (the nurses kept mentioning it). After recovering, I was brought to my observation ward.
About an hour or so later, I had a roommate (40ish F) join. I had been watching TV shows on my iPad with the volume on loud. As soon as she arrived, I put my AirPods in as a courtesy to her.
Later in the afternoon, my husband brought our baby to come and see me.
As soon as they left, my roommate started up a conversation. I was polite and entertained the conversation for about 30 minutes. I apologized for cutting the conversation short, but I was going to have a nap. Well, she got all huffy and rude, saying I was selfish.
When I woke up from the nap, my roommate was no longer there. I called for pain meds, and the nurse said I must have really said something to her, as while I was asleep, she demanded to be moved to a different room and said that I should be kinder with my words.
I feel that I’m not the jerk for wanting to sleep to recover. It could be the meds I’m on, but I feel horrible.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!!! As a retired RN, firstly wanting to sleep after surgery is normal, and the exhaustion you feel can be…..
erratic. Secondly, they shouldn’t have said anything to you about her having a fit over the fact she didn’t have anyone to talk to. It’s not YOUR responsibility to keep her entertained!!! And they told you to be kinder with your words?
Report that nurse to your patient advocate, or you could simply confront her and say “I don’t appreciate being told to be kinder with my words as I was tired and in pain. I didn’t say or do anything unkind. And you should probably have the entire story before you reprimand me-which in and of itself is unacceptable as I’m an adult.
I’m within my right to not want to speak to anyone while recovering.”” cinnamongirl73
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and report the nurse. I have no hate for nurses but honestly, they’re hit or miss. I used to be phobic of hospitals and my then-partner was hospitalized so I went in on my own.
And I have no sense of direction lol the place was like a maze. I finally found him after asking where to go and he was all hooked up to tubes and it really upset me but I controlled myself. When visiting was up I couldn’t find my way out again and burst into tears (not sobbing or hysterical just crying).
A nurse asked me why I was crying and I said as calmly as I could that I was upset over my partner being so ill and couldn’t find the exit and she gave me a lecture on how I was being inappropriate and crying wouldn’t help my partner.
Of course crying doesn’t help anyone but I felt that was completely inappropriate of her to say. Then years later I was in the hospital myself and heard a nurse angrily telling a patient having a panic attack to behave himself and act right. The guy was badly injured and in hysterics in the ER.
So yeah screw that nurse and I hope you feel better.” GollumTrees
Another User Comments:
“I needed a few rounds of surgery following a car accident a few years ago. Whilst I’d always considered my mental health to be pretty strong, it turned out my brain really didn’t like hospitals (having never really spent time in them before, I had no idea).
To this day I don’t know what happened but I was a mess, ended up with a nurse sitting with me all night talking me through panic attacks and anxiety attacks most of which I still can’t remember. You could be recovering from an ingrown toenail or fighting for your life – that’s no one’s business but your own and if your roommate was too ignorant to realize that, it’s on her.
Focus on yourself (and your new baby) and don’t give her any more thought than she gave you!” Petrichor_ness
11. AITJ For Wanting To Decide How To Spend My Own Company Gift Card?
“Both my wife (43f) and I (42m) started new jobs this year. My job has better conditions in general, but I also pay for almost our expenses: rent, food, bills, etc., as she’s working part-time.
One of the benefits she gets is discounts for many brand products from different shops, so she’s been able to get herself some nice things. When I asked if I could get something I was looking for with her discount, she said she didn’t feel comfortable doing that.
Alright, fine.
Well, last week my company gave me a gift card with 200€, and when she found out, she started planning on how to spend the money without even asking me. I simply told her I didn’t know what I was going to use the money for, as I have until the end of June 2025 to use it, but that I didn’t want to spend it on stuff for the house, as I want it to go towards something I want.
Now she’s mad at me, saying I’m being selfish, but I honestly don’t think I am.
For context, when she used her discounts to get stuff, it was all for her, not for us, so I don’t see why me doing the same would make me the bad guy here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… I have never heard of a company not extending the employee discount to a spouse. And why would your wife ever get something you wanted with her discount? That is her company perk. Your perk is your bonus. Wife will not offer you her company perk.
Why does she think she gets to have a part in your company perk? Especially when she only works part-time and you pay all expenses. Wife has it made.” Worth-Season3645
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not even a question. Also, I have a family who works in a place and gets 40% discounts for lots of brands.
He is often offering that if we are buying something from X and X online retailers, he can do it for us. So I know you are trying to justify why your wife is just using it for herself, but it’s not justifiable. At her work, no one will say you are using your discounts for your husband; you can’t do that.” TheDIYEd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your gift card. While I can objectively see getting something together with it, if she won’t let you use her discounts, why should she use your card? I got a hamper from my work for Christmas this year; it’s for me, but as it’s a hamper, it’s for our home—plus, I know my hubs loves the stuff in it.
His mam gives us £200 for Christmas every year, not us. So we buy something for the house (hoover last year, curtains this year), and the leftover is a meal out or something. I personally would be petty and buy something ASAP in case she uses it or spends it on her/the house.” fergie_89
10. AITJ For Skipping Xmas Lunch To Shield My Husband From Toxic In-Laws?
“My in-laws don’t like me. They tolerate me; never made the effort to get to know me.
My husband is not close to them. I encourage him to call and see them despite their feelings about me.
FIL retired this year. He was a cabinetmaker. He did not want to retire and has been offering to come to our house to fix things.
I had been reluctant to agree; hubby convinced me. Saying, “Family helps each other.” He “fixed” a drawer that broke with different-sized bits of wood.
Hubby has been battling with severe depression and anxiety. I’ve encouraged him to tell his family; he hasn’t.
I bought some cabinets that needed to be put together.
Long story: Part of the cabinet was put together the wrong way, which made hanging the door impossible with a screwdriver. I said I’ll buy a drill. Hubby said FIL has one we can use, can save money, etc. My mistake was I agreed.
FIL comes over with a flat drill battery.
It’s a boiling hot day. He says he’ll get MIL to bring drill batteries. I say, “Let’s just do another day; it’s hot, etc.” He calls MIL and tells her what to get. She says she’s unsure where the batteries are; he insists on going in the shed, etc.
FIL says he’s going to drill through a piece of wood rather than just screw in the hinge. I ask if that will cause the hinge to fall out; hubby was also concerned. FIL says no and explains why.
MIL calls back upset and speaks to Hubby, saying she does not know what she’s doing and can’t remember our address.
FIL has a history of screaming at MIL for stuff like this. I say, “Let’s do it on the weekend; it’s hot and things are going wrong.” Hubby tells FIL to drive home safely as he leaves.
Fifteen minutes later, MIL calls Hubby, screaming at him for “questioning FIL’s abilities.” Hubby argues back.
After multiple calls, FIL says he’s upset that Hubby told him to drive safely and doesn’t like that my uncle made a joke last year about him never retiring.
Hubby is distraught. He starts dry retching from stress. They are ignoring his calls. He’s never seen them this upset.
I offer to message them; he agrees and approves what I sent.
I asked them to be kind to Hubby; he’s struggling with MH and can’t cope with this. I asked them not to take their dislike for me out on Hubby and be kind to him.
I said I would not be coming to Xmas as I need space and to look after myself.
SIL called me and said FIL is very upset. I asked what happened and told her above. She got angry at me for not talking about Hubby’s MH and asked me to speak to FIL as he’s upset.
I said my priority is Hubby and that I might speak to FIL after things cool down in a few days.
SIL messaged me, accusing me of breaking the family apart and keeping Hubby from them. She said FIL had a right to make comments.
Hubby has had calls from in-laws; he says they want to apologize. Hubby is upset with me because I don’t want to see or speak to them right now. Hubby says I’m not to blame; FIL overreacted and says I need to forgive.
Hubby wants me to go with him for Xmas lunch.
I declined, saying I need space.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for making a sensible decision, but why have you encouraged him to spend time with such toxic people? That was your first mistake and honestly, you’re a massive jerk to your hubby and yourself for doing that.
Family that hurts is not family that’s beneficial. I’m glad you’re taking care of your mental health now and I hope your husband realizes he’s better off without them in his life. Be less supportive of them being present. Be honest and tell him you need to be respected, and you’re done trying when nothing will change.
You don’t deserve to spend your life having your self-esteem destroyed.” imsooldnow
Another User Comments:
“Why are you encouraging hubby’s relationship with them? If he’s dealing with mental issues, the very last thing he needs is his toxic family around. I think you should stop encouraging a relationship with them.
Don’t discourage him if he himself initiates a relationship with them, but if he’s not interested, don’t push him to have one. I also think that you should go low contact with them. Stop having them over to fix things and, if you can, just pay someone else to come do it.
And if hubby isn’t in therapy, he should look into it. If his reaction to them is so bad that he’s retching after interacting with them, he should be in therapy. And lastly, Hubby shouldn’t be pushing for you to have a relationship with them.
If he’s okay being treated terribly by them, that’s on him, but that doesn’t mean you have to go along for that awful ride. So yeah, maintain your boundaries with them. Protect your peace. And if suggested, say no to hosting at your house. And completely remove yourself from the situation (like go spend the day with your side of the family or with friends) if Hubby insists on hosting.
NTJ. Your in-laws are massive and toxic jerks and should be given a wide berth. Hubby needs loads of therapy to undo the damage they’ve done and continue to do to him. And he needs to start putting boundaries with them. And if he can’t set boundaries with them, then for your own peace of mind and to protect your home and space from all their negativity, it’s up to you to hold firm and limit their access to you and your home.” PS_is_BS
Another User Comments:
“You can’t start something and then leave your husband to deal with it. The message was where you went wrong. It blew up from there. The parents requested space by sending your husband to voicemail. You two ignored the request. When everyone is hot and grumpy… de-escalate.
Get your husband a drink. Turn on his favorite show. Invite a friend around or take him for a swim, etc. Crank up the aircon. Your priority should have been calming down Hubby. His parents would have called him back eventually. Or you could have called them after everyone had an opportunity to take a breath.
It was inappropriate for you to link your husband’s mental health with your decision about Christmas in the same message. A discussion about your husband’s mental health deserves a phone call or a personal conversation. Your husband could have relayed your decision at another time.
It didn’t have to be done then and there. So yeah, YTJ for poking the bear and then running away. The fact that your husband was complicit in this poor handling of the situation doesn’t exonerate you. It just makes him seem foolish.
However, he was having a panic attack so I am not going to judge him as the jerk.” ScaryButterscotch474
9. AITJ For Opting Out Of Family Christmas Gifts To Avoid My Sister's Pricey Expectations?
“My (32M) siblings and I have all grown up. All the kids are now over 30. The family is 3 brothers, a sister, and a mother and father.
Literally all the men in the family (myself included) DO NOT want anything. We live in small apartments that barely have enough room to live in. My father also genuinely doesn’t want anything. Whenever I get gifts, they usually just end up being donated almost immediately.
The two women in the family, like Christmas and want gifts. My mother wants something small. My sister, on the other hand, wants the whole Christmas deal. She sent a list of items, the cheapest of which was $75, and expressed to us that she will be upset if she doesn’t get gifts.
I should mention that my sister is now married, and if it matters – married into a family worth over $600M. They have two houses, the husband has a trust fund, and is a partner at a hedge fund. My brothers and I are doing OK, but we are all tight for cash and feel that if she wants presents at this stage in her life, it is her husband’s responsibility and not her 30-year-old brothers’ responsibility.
WIBTJ if I just send a message in the siblings’ chat along the lines of “Sorry I won’t be giving or receiving Christmas presents this year, I’m happy just to spend time with everyone.” I feel at this stage the present nonsense is just childish.
We all just want stress-free holidays. I’ve spoken with my brothers and we’ve all agreed that she is the only person who wants items; none of us want anything.
Not only WIBTJ, but what is the best/most polite way of bringing this up and setting a firm expectation to avoid an explosion on Christmas Day?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am an adult with an adult sibling. We stopped exchanging as young adults and elected to gift our parents things they may want or need (parents don’t expect, but it’s fun for us to do. Often it’s an experience, like a trip, or a nonessential item they defer because of retirement budgeting, like a new grill).
Sibling and I are both married with kids now; the focus is on making Christmas special for the kids. I wouldn’t apologize for your choice as you’ve nothing to feel sorry for. I’d simply text something like, “I’ve decided I will no longer participate in Christmas gift exchanges.
I believe family time together is the best gift to give and receive. Looking forward to celebrating the holidays with everyone!” Good luck and happy holidays to you!” Fresh_Process6822
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ at all. You want to take a step back from pointless consumerism, and honestly, with the way the past few years have gone, nobody should be surprised by that.
Quite frankly your sister sounds like she’s being really unreasonable, telling you all that she expects expensive gifts from you and if you don’t comply she will be upset? Not to sound like a teenager in 2023, but that gives me the ick. I would just text the family and say, “Hey family!
I’m truly looking forward to spending some time with you all this year! I just wanted to give you all a heads-up that I’ve decided I won’t be taking part in any gift exchanges this year, so please don’t spend any time or money shopping for me.
All I need is your company.” I don’t think there’s any need to get into your reasons why or anything like that, just that it’s what feels right for you. My family has almost gone in that direction – with my sisters and their husbands and my mom, we all just do a Secret Santa every year.
We set a price limit and each only has to get one gift. It’s a great way to still have the fun of a gift exchange without the stress or cost of having to get something for EVERYONE.” ThePhilV
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. The best way to do this is, several months before Christmas, notify (or speak in person) all the relatives you normally exchange presents with, and say, “I’ve decided that from now on I am not giving anyone anything for Christmas, and I’d appreciate it if you don’t give me anything.” And then you do it.
If someone ignores your wishes and sends you something anyway, thank them politely and do what you want with it – but don’t buy them a gift. Remind them instead that they really shouldn’t have, and you’re not saying that to be polite, but you did warn them you weren’t giving gifts for Christmas, and you haven’t got one for them.
If your sister sends you a list, respond immediately as though you think she’s forgotten, telling her, “I told you in October and reminded you in November that I’m not doing Christmas gifts anymore, so you don’t need to send me your list.” There might still be an explosion on Christmas Day, but if all your brothers agree with you, it’ll be a small explosion from your sister only.
I don’t suppose you can arrange your Christmas visit to be on Boxing Day or later, after the usual gift-giving period? Don’t waffle. Don’t engage in debate. Just let them know in advance, and stick to your guns.” SavingsRhubarb8746
8. AITJ For Telling My SIL And Not My Brother About My New Partner?
“I (19F) recently got a partner for the first time. I was super excited and posted about it on my Insta close friends and to all my most active contacts on WhatsApp. This group of people includes some of my friends, some of my close extended family, my parents, my brother, my sister, and my two SILs.
My other brother (33M) is not included.
I don’t really talk much with him and we have very different values. We kind of have a difficult relationship, obviously we love each other but we don’t really get along that well. I didn’t purposefully exclude him, I just kind of forgot that he was even someone I should tell.
He sent me a message today really angry about me not telling him and said that I was being a horrible sister. He also said that I was an even bigger jerk for telling SIL and not him because they have been fighting a lot recently and it seems like I am taking her side.
Most people are telling me to just ignore him, but my sister and some of my relatives feel like the jerk move was telling my SIL about it if I wasn’t going to tell him. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Being a people-pleaser who thinks primarily about how others will react or feel is a hard way to go through life.
Remember that someone calling you horrible, the jerk, etc. are all merely opinions. They are entitled to their opinions, and you are entitled to yours. Because someone calls you a name, criticizes your behavior, or insults you don’t convert their opinion into facts. Don’t waste your life worrying over who should tell what and when.
It’s your life; you get to decide what parts of it you want to share and with whom. This is not worth your time.” CandylandCanada
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Happily married for 20 years; it’s normal in a healthy relationship to get news from in-laws where the husband isn’t included. You seem to have a strained relationship with your brother, so it shouldn’t be surprising to him that he’s left out.
By extension, at least he’s included in the news given SIL is included in the conversation, and honestly, that should be enough for him. He’s not entitled to learning about your new partner, but given you told SIL you know he’ll find out anyway. Given he knows you guys aren’t close, this is him harkening back to feeling like a child being left out at recess, which is not at all a mature response to a situation he’s already aware of with you.
Not only is he being silly about this, but he’s escalated it to being a full-on jerk for getting aggressive with you. He needs to back off, and you need to ignore him if he doesn’t.” verily_eft
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like your brother is demonstrating exactly why you are largely no contact with him.
Ignore his outrage. Ignore the drama. You don’t owe anyone anything. You owe yourself peace of mind and happiness. Do not fall for the drama spiral. If they see that they are able to convince you they are entitled to share in this part of your life, they will create drama there.
They are trying to tell you that they have problems in their relationship and that you made it harder by making your brother feel bad for your decision to not share details? No. They are not your responsibility. Enjoy your romance. Enjoy people who respect and appreciate you.
Stand your ground. Don’t explain. It’s like the “no” is an entire sentence philosophy. When you are faced with efforts by family members to make your personal life part of their hobbies, you will find that drama and crazy makers are going to insert their own unhappiness into your life.” serendipasaurus
7. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Friend Move Because She Skipped The Group Birthday Gift?
“I (33F) have a close group of friends, and we’ve been tight since college. For big milestones like birthdays or moves, we pitch in to make things special. Last month, everyone contributed to a spa gift card for my birthday—except for my friend “Rachel” (34F).
She came to the party empty-handed and didn’t even sign the card. It hurt because I’ve always gone out of my way for her in the past.
Now Rachel is moving and asked me to help her pack and move her stuff. I declined because I feel taken for granted. When she confronted me, I told her it was about the gift. She said money was tight, but she just went on a weekend trip and posted about expensive dinners, so I’m not sure I believe that.
Our mutual friends are split—some think I’m being petty, others say Rachel should’ve communicated if she couldn’t contribute. Rachel says I’m punishing her over something trivial.”
Another User Comments:
“I mean, if you two have been good friends and the ONLY thing she did was this one birthday she didn’t participate in the group present, then YTJ.
Of course she didn’t sign the card—she didn’t contribute. Sure, she could have told people about her financial issue, but any of your friends could have also asked her—Hey, we see you aren’t contributing, is everything okay, did we go out of your budget or something?
You could also have asked her about it, since it is clear it bothered you and you have no problem raising the issue. You could have been much more kind than you were here, waiting until she needed something from you to pounce on her for the gift issue.
You also have no idea if the events she has been at—dinners and vacations—were prepaid or paid for by others, so deciding she of course had money for your gift because you see her spending in other places is very presumptive. Things happen.
Friends forget events and birthdays, friends mess up, friends have struggles you may not know about. To act this way over her missing one group present demonstrates that you place material items over actual friendship because while I totally get why your feelings were hurt, you didn’t address it in a way a friend would address it, at all.
I’m sure now you will give us the backstory on how you are always the good friend and she has failed you in X, Y, Z ways, and maybe that would sway my judgment, but you wrote this story in this way, omitting all those past wrongs, so not sure I would believe it.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re valuing a gift over a friendship. What functioning adult holds a few bucks over their friend’s head when they need help? Your friend said that they were strapped for cash, and that’s not enough for you? You’re so petty that getting a few more dollars on your gift card means more to you than your friendship?
You have a lot of thinking to do. Doesn’t sound to me like you’re a very good friend. Sounds like you’re spoiled and narcissistic. It is blatantly obvious that you value things over people and relationships. Your retaliation is just a cherry on top of the big baby cake.
Grow up.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. “She said money was tight, but she just went on a weekend trip and posted about expensive dinners, so I’m not sure I believe that.” This is really none of your business and I think it is toxic to be so analytical of your friend’s financial situation.
If she said she couldn’t contribute to your gift, that should be the end of the discussion. She showed up to your birthday, and that should be what matters. In a perfect world, she could’ve signed the card, but maybe she was embarrassed about not being able to contribute.
What is your theory? That she maliciously avoided signing the card and contributing to your present? And then lied to you about her financial situation? If that is what you think of her, maybe you shouldn’t be friends. Part of being a friend is showing up for the other person no matter what, not worrying about who has the upper hand in the friendship or who is contributing more.” Register-Dazzling
6. AITJ For Declining A Carpool Offer And Letting A Young Coworker Pay Full Gas Price?
“Since April I’ve (21F) had to take the train to get to my work. I work 7-3 but I have to get up at 5 am to not be late for my train at 6.
I’ve gotten used to this and feel no need to ask anybody for a ride. But we have a new coworker (23F, let’s call her X) who is really polite and funny and overall I like her a lot. X is from my town and recently asked me if I would like to drive to work with her since she has a car and I don’t.
I’ve considered it but because I have a lot of discounts (I’m a student) the cost of taking the train is 4 times less than what I would have to pay if I drove with her (if we split the cost of gas in half).
So I declined politely.
Here’s the issue: This happened two weeks ago and now some of my other colleagues told me that I was the jerk for refusing. I also found out that X talked crap behind my back because of this situation. They said that because I refused she has to pay full price for gas and she’s also young and needs the money.
Additionally, as I said I work 7-3 but my other coworkers work 8-4. If I agreed to drive with X, our boss agreed to let her work 7-3 as well (which she prefers). Apparently, I should have taken this into consideration (even though she didn’t mention this at all) but honestly even if she told me I wouldn’t change my mind.
I got accused of making her work different hours on purpose (wtf!) and heartless for making ‘another young woman like me throw away money’. I think it’s ridiculous!
I’m 21 trying to save money for rent (I wanna move out from my parents’ house next year) and I also pay for my university, so I try to save every penny.
X is still trying to convince me to agree but as for now I still said no. I feel like X should take the train as well (even though she’s not a student and won’t get a discount it’s still cheaper than buying gas) if she wants to save money.
I’m sure our boss would still let her work 7-3 then… But at the same time I understand X, driving is much more comfortable than taking the train and she lives further away from the train station than I do.
So… AITJ??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ….What the what? Other colleagues want to pressure you for not accepting rides to work from another city worker? Because she is young and wants to save money? I would tell them, “And I’m not young? I don’t want to save money, as a college student?
I was already working here. She took a job here knowing she had to drive. I do what I can to save money. I take the train. Why doesn’t she? So, you all think I should spend more of my money than I gave to save her money?
Why exactly? If it bothers you all so much, I suggest you take up a weekly collection and spend more of your money and pay for her gas.”” Worth-Season3645
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You could offer to pay her what it costs you to ride the train in order to help defray her costs and then she could work your schedule and it wouldn’t cost you anything extra.
It doesn’t make sense for you to pay more money so that she can save money. Anyone who is supporting her doesn’t seem to have the full story. After this experience, however, I wouldn’t consider carpooling with her. She is clearly not as nice as she appeared at first if she is willing to turn the whole office against you because… you didn’t want to give her money?
Who knows what she will consider your responsibility next? Steer clear! She is the one who accepted this job knowing her transportation options and their associated costs. You had nothing to do with it and you are simply choosing to continue to have nothing to do with it.” Human-Obligation3621
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re doing the right thing for yourself fiscally and for your future self. If you want to maybe have a sit-down conversation with your colleague, I would go over why you can’t afford a car commute with her. Let her know that you’re willing to do the train commute with her.
Understanding she’s farther away from the train either she’s got to walk, get dropped off, or drive and park to catch the train. Please, if you like to spend your time during your commute quietly reading and not talking, make sure that your colleague is aware of this ahead of time.
They might be the commuter who wants to sip a cup of coffee and talk the entire way. Once you have that calm, relaxed conversation, I would also let her know that’s her responsibility to clear up negative rumors that she may have, I’ll say inadvertently started at work.” boiledpenny
5. AITJ For Snapping At My Son Over His Relationship With His Half-Sister?
“I (42M) have a son “Jack” (22M) and a daughter “Cassie” (7F) from two different marriages. I had Jack with my first wife “Penelope” who passed away when Jack was 9. This hit both of us hard. I thought Penelope and I were going to be together forever.
It took me a long time to be ready to get out there again, which I started doing when Jack was 14. He wasn’t happy about it.
I met my first partner, my current wife, “Sara” through work. We went out for a few months before birth control failed and Sara became pregnant.
Because of that, our relationship progressed very fast. She moved in with Jack and me by the time she was four months pregnant.
Jack was understandably very upset, but both Sara and I wanted our child to grow up in a two-parent household. Unfortunately, due to a lack of space, we also had to move out of the apartment I shared with my late wife.
Jack was put in therapy to help him adjust.
However, Jack and I did luck out a bit with Sara. Sara made it a point to have prominent memorabilia of Penelope because her awful stepmother all but erased Sara’s mother.
After Cassie (my daughter) was born, Jack wanted nothing to do with her, which was understandable, but upsetting.
However, Cassie’s maternal cousin “Will” (18M) adored her from day one and happily stepped into that brother role. They had frequent hangouts, played with her dolls, etc. He even has a matching (I think) Hello Kitty necklace with her and uses it as his good luck charm for his sport.
This was the first year both Jack and Will left for college. Jack messed around during high school and had crappy grades and no scholarships. While I would be able to pay, I refused to pay 50k/year+ for him to screw around. So, he went to community college for two years and this year transferred to a good school.
Will was an A student as well as an excellent athlete and got an almost full ride to a far-away school.
Thankfully, both boys were able to come home for Thanksgiving. Jack came home first. Cassie greeted him without much fanfare but was still happy he was home.
This was very different from how she greeted Will. She waited at my SIL’s house for him, made a huge glittery sign, and started bawling her eyes out when she saw him.
My sister-in-law posted the video of them reuniting on social media, and Jack saw the video and was very upset at the difference in Cassie’s “welcome home” enthusiasm.
After listening to this for the fifth time, I snapped at him and told him these were the consequences of his actions, i.e. doing nothing to make a bond with his sister for the past seven years. He stormed off to his room. Since then, my former in-laws have been ringing my phone off the hook, yelling at me and demanding I reprimand my daughter for her lack of enthusiasm at his return.
Cassie doesn’t know why, but she can tell her brother is upset at her and it is affecting her. Will is upset that Jack is making Cassie upset. I don’t know what to do.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re correct about why Cassie prefers Will, but YTJ for how you are communicating with your son Jack.
He’s your kid too, and it doesn’t sound like you treat him very well. The way you frame the scenario sure makes it seem that you don’t hold your own son in very high esteem. You are very quick to list all of Will‘s great characteristics and really critical of your son’s perceived shortcomings.” empreur
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go with ESH. Did you, once you started romancing Sara, etc etc, spend regular one-on-one time with Jack? Especially once Cassie was born? How long did his therapy continue once Cassie was born? You definitely couldn’t force a relationship between them but you handled your response to Jack very poorly.
Will was in a much better position to have a good relationship with Cassie. For starters, even though you waited to start romancing, you went through the process of romancing/moving in together/having another kid at warp speed. And at the worst possible time as Jack was a young teenager.
The hormones, the attitude in addition to his having lost his mom and then feeling like you were replacing her, moving out of the home he knew with her and then replacing him. I’m not saying that’s what you did but there was a really good chance he felt that way.
All of those complex feelings were things Will didn’t have to deal with. He also didn’t have to live with Cassie. Having a baby sibling at 14 probably felt like the biggest inconvenience ever. Babies are loud, disruptive and attention hogs. You could have gently pointed out the markers of the relationship w/Will without snapping at Jack.
Was Jack in the wrong? Yeah. He didn’t take the chance to build a relationship with Cassie so he doesn’t get to be angry at the relationship Will built with Cassie. And your former in-laws have no right to demand that you reprimand Cassie.” bookishmama_76
Another User Comments:
“Jack is clearly bothered that he doesn’t have a relationship with Cassie. When he tried to express this, you yelled at him. “Your actions have consequences” usually involves adults helping young people to understand how and what their errors were and how they can change in the future.
It’s not a huge surprise that Jack was a jerk to Cassie, his role model — you have been a jerk to him. If you want Jack to treat Cassie differently, start by modeling this yourself. There’s also a whole lot more to this story that doesn’t make sense.
The information about the difference in Jack and Will’s college experiences is completely irrelevant and has nothing to do with this story. That said, it probably has something to do with the conflict. It also doesn’t make sense that Will’s opinion about Cassie being upset is at all relevant — unless Will is the standard you’ve tried to get Jack to aspire to.
After seven years your son is expressing interest in a relationship with his half-sister. YTJ for not embracing this with all the excitement in the world and creating opportunities for your kids to be together.” Important-Poem-9747
4. AITJ For Refusing To Loan Funds When An Old Friend's Request Turned Suspicious?
“I had a friend in high school over 25 years ago that I hadn’t seen since graduation, and I’ll call her Jenny. I was social media friends with Jenny, but I don’t even know where she lives. My husband and I headed back to my hometown for a family reunion, and I asked Jenny if she and her husband would like to meet us for lunch.
We caught up over lunch, and we headed back to our hotel room before my reunion.
Jenny called me, saying her dog had gotten into the garbage when we were at lunch and needed $1,500–$2,000 worth of surgery. It sounded strange (and a bit scammer-like), but I said I would discuss it with my husband.
I left my phone in our hotel room when we headed to the reunion. I got back a few hours later to 27 messages telling me she would sue me because it was all my fault and calling me a bunch of names. They were strange at lunch, but the aftermath was so much stranger.
At first, she asked to borrow the funds, but then she said it was owed to her. I blocked her on everything, but AITJ here for not considering loaning her funds?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP, you might have a people-pleasing issue, because you best believe if someone I hadn’t seen in 25 years was asking for $2000 I would block them so fast. That’s just rude and entitled. What happened to JENNY’S dog isn’t YOUR fault.” theshiningstarship
Another User Comments:
“Why would you be responsible for this? Did you prevent her from putting her dogs away before going to lunch? Does she even have a dog? Did they seem like they were struggling financially at lunch? NTJ, sounds like they saw an opportunity and are pursuing it.
Sorry you’re going through that.” EFFeverything_
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like you made the right call by not lending her funds, especially given the strange way she handled the situation after you didn’t immediately comply. Asking for $1,500–$2,000 out of nowhere, especially when it escalated so quickly to threats and name-calling, definitely raises red flags.
A healthy friendship should have trust and respect, not pressure and insults. You didn’t owe her the funds, especially under those suspicious circumstances. It’s understandable why you would feel uncomfortable and ultimately block her. You’re not the jerk here at all—it’s her behavior that was out of line.” Sad_Repeat4086
3. AITJ For Excluding My Grieving Aunt From My Daughter's Birthday Party?
“I (35f) am close with my mom (68f) and enjoy spending time with her and my dad, as do my husband and 3 kids (6, 2, and 1).
My mom has an older sister, “Kathy”, who she is close with as well. My family would see Kathy on holidays and probably 3-4 other times a year up until this year. In April, Kathy’s husband died. Kathy had no children and lives alone. Since his death, my mom has pushed to include Kathy in almost every get-together.
If my family drops by on a weekend, she calls Kathy, she invites us for dinner, she then tells us Kathy is coming, etc. She has also come over to our house with Kathy when we didn’t invite Kathy to come. Kathy is there almost every time I see my parents for the last several months.
Kathy is not terrible to be around; I know family can be worse. Kathy does, however, tend to be very uptight, she does not have much of a sense of humor, and she can be judgemental about things like my home when she stops by and tends to make passive-aggressive comments.
She also seems annoyed by my kids who are pretty well-behaved. I don’t mind Kathy being at some events and ultimately my mom can choose who is at her home, plus I do understand my mom is trying to be there for a grieving woman, so I have not said anything.
This month my daughter turns 3 and we are throwing her a family party at our home. My daughter is quite shy except around “her people”, so we are keeping it small with just the two sets of grandparents, her two aunts and uncle, and her 3 cousins.
My mom called me yesterday to ask if we could please include Kathy in the party as she will feel left out and she (according to my mom) adores my daughter. I said I felt weird doing this as no other extended family was invited and I didn’t want to set up for bad feelings.
My mom said okay.
However, today she sent a long text saying how she was feeling so bad about Kathy not coming, as she knows she’ll feel sad and that Kathy would not tell others that she was there, so likely no one else would feel badly.
She added that Kathy is struggling so much with the loss of her husband and having events and family around is so important. She is probably correct that other family won’t know and I’m aware many people would be just fine not attending a 3-year-old’s birthday.
I know grief is hard and at the same time, I just don’t want her there! WIBTJ if I don’t let Kathy come?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kathy will survive. It sounds like your mother has tried to include Kathy in many gatherings or events because she is trying to help her grieving sister.
And being widowed myself many years back, what she is doing is very nice. It helps those who have lost a loved one to keep busy and have less time to think about their sorrow. However, I was not invited to everything, nor did I want to be invited to everything.
I needed my alone time to process my grief. You want your daughter’s birthday to be upbeat and happy and grieving people can’t always hide their sorrow and tears. You have the right to decide to plan it as you feel will be best. Tell your mother for the original reasons you told her, you will not change your mind.
Tell her YOU need to stay upbeat for the party, and you look forward to seeing Kathy at holiday gatherings. Don’t let yourself be pressured.” Aggressive_Cattle320
Another User Comments:
“I’m an older great-aunt. My niece invites me to holiday celebrations, family game nights, etc. She will even come to pick me up if I’m unable to drive.
But sometimes she just wants to invite her parents (my sister) and siblings. Groovy, I don’t feel left out if not invited to everything. I feel loved and supported that they invite me to lots of things, and also offer to help me if I need it (like drive me to the doctor…) Occasionally, they will even ask me to babysit so she & hubby can go have dinner with her parents.
Kathy really needs to get her own life in this new situation she has found herself in and not feel left out if not invited to EVERYTHING.” BoogieKnights9
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Dear Mum, while I think it is admirable that you are helping Kathy through her grief, and wanting to include her is a choice you are making, this is my child’s birthday and the people invited are people my child has a relationship with.
My child, your grandchild, is not a grief tool and it is not on my child or even me to be a resource to be used for Kathy’s grief. While I sympathize with Kathy, I also understand that life moves forward and that people grieve in different ways, and my child’s celebration is about my child and not about Kathy’s grief.
I hope you will understand when I say your grandchild’s birthday is about your grandchild and if you don’t feel that you can be present in the moment and help her celebrate, I will understand if you can’t make it. I love you, but let me be clear: my child’s birthday is about my child and what will make my child comfortable, and Kathy does not make my child comfortable and is not invited in this instance.
We can agree to disagree, but what we will not do is make my child uncomfortable on a day that is focused on them.” TwithHoney
2. AITJ For Giving My 8-Year-Old Niece The Presents She Asked For Even Though She Changed Her Mind?
“I have 3 nieces, Alice (14), Olivia (11) and Ella (8).
2 weeks ago, I went to visit them. I told them that I was going to be shopping for their Christmas presents soon, and asked them each in turn what they would like me to get them (they prefer to ask for specific things rather than get surprises).
The eldest two, Alice and Olivia, both gave me short lists of things they wanted. Ella just said she wanted “Stitch stuff.” (As in Lilo and Stitch.) She didn’t have any specific ideas, just Stitch-themed merchandise in general.
So I went out and bought all their presents.
For Alice and Olivia, I chose a few specific things from their lists. I got Ella a few Stitch-themed things, including a paint-your-own Stitch figure, a pack of Stitch-themed fruit-scented lip glosses, and a snuggly Stitch blanket for her bed.
Today, I went round to visit the girls again.
I mentioned how I’m glad I’ve finished my Christmas shopping, and Olivia asked whether I had gotten her the heatless hair curling set she asked for. I said, “Maybe, maybe not, you’ll have to wait and see!” (For the record, I have indeed got it for her.)
Ella overheard this conversation and said, “I want you to get me a heatless curler too!”
So I said, “Sorry, Ella, you’re a bit late, I’ve already bought all your Christmas presents!” She then asked what I had got her, and I said Stitch stuff.
At that, she looked annoyed and said, “What?! I don’t want Stitch stuff!” I said, “Last time I was here I asked you what you wanted and you said Stitch stuff, so that’s what I’ve got you.” She replied, “No, I didn’t!” (She definitely did, because I wrote it down there and then, and her sisters helped me think of a few Stitch things she might like.)
I was half expecting this because Ella has a habit of changing her mind about what she wants, weeks after she has already asked for something and I’ve already bought her presents. It was par for the course when she was little, but now she’s 8 and I do feel she ought to know better by now.
I really don’t need the hassle of returning all the stuff I’ve bought (that’s already wrapped and under the tree) and getting her something else, but I do kinda feel bad for her.
WIBTJ for sticking to my guns and giving her the Stitch stuff even though she now apparently doesn’t want it?
Would it be a good idea to help her learn the lesson that she has to be sure when she asks for things and can’t just change her mind with no notice? Or am I being too harsh on an 8-year-old?”
Another User Comments:
“As a mother of an 8-year-old girl, I’d say for you to stick with what you got her.
Girls that age like what their mates do, and want to show off what they have. My daughter’s mates are always gloating about the latest Stitch stuff. You got it right, she just wants what her sisters have. You just tell her, ‘I did what you asked, but you can always spend any money you get for Xmas in the sales for what you didn’t get that you wanted.’ I’ve had to say this as I’ve now finished my girl’s list and she’s trying to add on Dr Who stuff.” Puzzleheaded_Car5761
Another User Comments:
“Why even talk about the Christmas presents and tell them what they will get? I understand that she may feel disappointed when a big part of opening presents is the surprise. She is 8 years old and expressing disappointment or feelings is difficult when you don’t fully understand your feelings.
We place so many demands on children that they should understand their feelings, be able to express their feelings, and take responsibility for their feelings, but how many adults can even manage that?? You are NTJ because you bought what she wanted and what you thought would suit her, but you could have avoided the whole situation if you had just kept quiet about buying Christmas presents.” Majestic-Weather-334
Another User Comments:
“Stick with what you got her. Next time don’t remind them what they asked for. And if this is a common theme, I would hold off on buying her specific present until closer to Christmas. Some kids know exactly what they like and want, seemingly your two other nieces, and they will be happy with what they chose.
Then there are the other kids, they see it, they want it. Yes, all kids are like that in a sense, but some can see and want and say ‘This looks really cool and I’d like it, but if I had to choose between this and something I really want, I’d much rather have that.’ There are also those that do really want the small random things, but are upset when they realize that someone got something they deem more expensive/longer lasting/personal, and then they want the same thing.
Sometimes it’s about the object. Other times it’s about them not wanting a ‘baby-ish’ comparison item.” Sunnyok85
1. AITJ For Refusing To Call My MIL By A Formal Name?
“My SIL and I/my husband had a disagreement/misunderstanding about something unrelated, and in repairing that, we each asked each other what we could do better. I was expecting the response to be related to the disagreement we had, but instead, she told me I should call my MIL (her mother) by Mrs. (last name).
This is after three years of marriage and calling her by her first name. My MIL and husband never told me what to call her or corrected me at any point since before I’ve known her to this day.
Confused as to why my SIL thinks it’s appropriate to request this.
It feels like a power play on her part, and I don’t want to change how I refer to my MIL when she didn’t ask me to. I know I could bring this up with my MIL, but I would prefer to avoid doing so as it’s been three years.
Furthermore, my MIL and I have been through a lot together, and I frankly don’t want to refer to her as Mrs. last name. My husband and I lived with her for a year during major medical issues on both sides, both hers and mine, and we mutually took care of each other.
This just feels like a slap in the face from my SIL.
WIBTJ if I keep calling her by her first name and pretend my SIL never brought this up?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I would bring it up to MIL. “Hey, I was talking to SIL the other day, and she said I should be calling you Mrs. Jones.
I know I’ve always called you Jill, and it occurred to me that I never asked you how you’d like me to refer to you. Is it okay that I call you Jill?” You never know, she might ask you to call her mom or something.
But most likely, she’ll respond that of course you should call her Jill.” DisneyBuckeye
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…. Sounds like your sister-in-law is jealous of the closeness you share with MIL and is trying to put distance between you, because after three years suddenly calling her Mrs. *** is bound to make MIL feel like something happened to cause the sudden change… Speak to MIL and ask what she prefers.
It would be awesome if she told you to just call her Mom. SIL will lose her crap if that happens.” Number-2-Sis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but maybe I would check in with MIL. There’s a non-zero chance it’s something that MIL has mentioned to her daughter.
And if your MIL wants to be “Mrs. Smith”, rather than Joan or Mom, then I would be looking to distance myself from his family ASAP. I guarantee I’m older than you, and my parents were around my grandparents a lot, so this isn’t a hang-up of today’s 45 – 70 Yo set.
My dead 100-year-old grandparents would not have used or expected Mr/Mrs. Smith. Maybe Mama Smith or Grandaddy Smith.” Typical2sday
