People Slip Up In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Sending A Rude British Pen Pal To A Hotel Instead Of Hosting Him?
“I’ve been penpals with a guy from England for almost 15 years. Last week we met in person for the first time. He was sent to my state for work, and we thought not meeting would be a missed opportunity. He planned to stay here for a few nights to do some sightseeing.
We don’t really send each other photos or anything. We’re connected through social media, but I have self-esteem problems and never post photos of myself. So he didn’t know I put on a lot of weight since the last photos we exchanged maybe 5 years ago.
I didn’t update him because I didn’t think it mattered. Our friendship has never been romantic or physical. He’s married with kids and I’m in a long-term relationship.
Well, it turned out it mattered. It was the first thing he talked about after we said hello when I picked him up at the airport.
Then he kept bringing it up the rest of the afternoon. I said something about loving my best friend and wanting to share a room with her when we’re old and in a nursing home. He laughed and told me I won’t live that long.
He was rude and mean about a lot of my life, in a way he’d never been in his letters or online communication. I’m disabled from a car accident, so I don’t work, and I don’t own my home. I’m renting the mil suite at my sister’s house.
He asked what it felt like to grow up to be a failure, and did I think when he and I first met that I’d end up this way?
After a few hours, I was over it and wanted him to leave. I told him I thought it would be better if he went to a hotel and offered to pay for half.
He agreed, and told me I didn’t need to pay for it, just give him a ride to the hotel he picked. So I did.
I told my sister about the whole thing, and she thinks I was being too sensitive and he probably phrased his questions trying to be funny.
And she thinks I was a jerk for not offering to pay for his whole hotel stay and not insisting that he let me. I think it was probably too nice of me to offer to pay for any of it, and there was no way I was going to push him to let me.
And I don’t care if he was trying to be funny, because he wasn’t; he was just mean. So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and why does your sister think it’s OK for you to be abused like that? He knew what he was saying and doing.
A real friend should not have commented on your weight (unless you bring the subject up). “Our friendship has never been romantic or physical. He’s married with kids and I’m in a long-term relationship.” I guess he thought otherwise and that’s kind of creepy and gross.” firefly232
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is like a great book that doesn’t quite work as a movie. After 15 years of an exclusively online/pen pal friendship, I could see how it could go either way when you meet in person. Focusing on your appearance and negging you is certainly jerk behavior.
At least he wasn’t oblivious to the vibe and a mooch on top of being a jerk. You were correct in calling it and suggesting a hotel. It was polite of you to offer to pay. It was appropriate of him to decline the money and accept the ride.
Not sure why your sis needs to add her two cents, but I think you made the best of an awkward situation.” BoomBoomJacob
Another User Comments:
“Obvious NTJ, you could have kicked him to the curb a lot sooner too. But I get why you didn’t.
When a formerly nice and trusted person suddenly becomes cruel or abusive, it has a stupefying or petrifying effect. It’s great how you stood up for yourself still. My cynical butt suspects he wanted to be with you, was then disappointed that you did not look as he thinks he was entitled to, and then he took that frustration out on you.
I don’t know, maybe I’m jaded by now, but I’m wondering how much of your friendships was real and how much was him keeping you as a side fantasy that he suddenly thought he could make become true. Either way, he’s a jerk and I am sorry, but you can be mightily proud of yourself for having boundaries and a spine of steel.” MSAutarkia
20. AITJ For Changing The Password On My Ex's Streaming Account?
“I (f18) broke up with my ex-partner (m19) about a year ago but at the time still wanted to be friends. While we were seeing each other I let him use one of my streaming accounts that I was paying for. When we first started using it, he changed the password without asking me.
He also said he would pay every month for using it.
Fast forward to now; we barely talk at all, and it is honestly very uncomfortable to be around him. He hadn’t paid me in a month, even though he has a well-paying job.
I decided to change the password since he wasn’t using it anyway and didn’t tell him. When he asked for the password today, I told him I changed it.
I asked him why he couldn’t get his own account nicely. He told me that his bank account isn’t set up and he doesn’t use the streaming service that often.
He also said it’s easier to pay me from time to time for it. He hasn’t paid me since November last year. I don’t want to give him the password, but I don’t want to start conflict.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t give him the password, and change your email password just in case, being sure to log yourself out of all devices remotely, just in case you were logged in on some device of his. You broke up. He can go mooch off someone else’s Netflix.” rainyreminder
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I did the same thing to my ex; he was on one of my streaming accounts, and I changed the password as soon as we broke up. If he didn’t pay you, he doesn’t get the service. Also “his bank account isn’t set up” – are you serious?
How is he paying for any of his other bills then? Time to grow up, it’s a streaming service he “doesn’t use that often.” He can live without it. Don’t let him mooch off you.” 2nd-2-n0ne
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But also, you’re not starting a conflict.
The conflict was already there when he didn’t hold up his part of the deal. Give him nothing. Stand up for yourself with a firm no and then go no contact. You didn’t even end up staying friends, so it doesn’t matter.” gypsiemariposa
19. AITJ For Reporting My Rude, Condescending Coworker For Interrupting A Client Call?
“I (21f) have been a receptionist for about a year now. Part of my job is calling clients when checks come. Checks get delivered to our office on Fridays, so on Friday afternoons I call clients and let them know they have a check to be picked up.
I also note it in their file.
I had a coworker (42f)—let’s call her X—come to me on Tuesday and ask if a client’s check was here. She interrupted me on the phone to ask. I said, “No, I would have called them if it was here.” She asked again, and I said, “It’s not here.” She then mumbled under her breath that I needed an attitude check.
I was shocked at how unprofessional and rude they were being. Another one of my coworkers witnessed it, so we both sent emails to our immediate supervisor.
Well, on Wednesday X had an unscheduled meeting with our supervisor and director. When the meeting was over, she was mad.
She has also called off the last two days, claiming her allergies are too bad to come in. We all know she’s lying about that.
So, am I the jerk for reporting her? Should I have let it go?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your co-worker should have waited till you were off the phone and then asked. And she should not have made her little comment, either.
Obviously, your supervisor felt it was serious enough to have a meeting with her about it, so this was not just some little tiff.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What makes this a reportable offense to me is that she interrupted you on the phone to do this.
Whoever was on the other line not only was put on hold for no good reason but could have heard this exchange. That would have reflected poorly on you, and the company. Sounds like management agreed. NTJ. If it was no big deal, there would not have been a meeting with two bosses, and she wouldn’t have come out mad and stayed away from work for several days.” ghostofumich2005
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but… I always try to talk with the offending person first to try to find out their POV and work out good professional boundaries before tattling on them to a manager. You never know what someone is going through, and if you do not know now you’ll find out how hard society is on women, especially when we’re not under 30yo… and it’s good practice for when your boss or his buddy disrespects you in the future!!
Good luck.” FeelingFun3937
18. AITJ For Flipping Off The Camera In Our Engagement Photo?
“I (28F) and my fiancé (32M) had our engagement photo session this past week and, as part of a fun little take-home souvenir, our photographer took some Polaroid pictures of us.
One of the pictures we took was of us kissing and flipping off the camera. It was meant to be a funny little picture for just us, and that was the only copy in existence.
Well, we went home and I made the mistake of showing my mom the picture, which in hindsight was probably very dumb, but it was mixed amongst the other Polaroids that were taken.
My mom got incredibly upset, saying that I was classless and tasteless and immature. And is now going on to say that I am ungrateful for all that she and my dad have done for us and won’t talk to me. I understand this was an immature thing to do, but AITJ or did I totally disrespect my parents here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’d probably think the same if it was my daughter, but it would have ended with a side glance and a ‘really?’ Then if it was for fun and not getting published in Sunday’s paper, we’d laugh. We ‘old folks’ have to realize we don’t have to like or understand what the ‘young’uns’ do; the bigger picture (lol) is: are they good people, are they happy, are they hurting anyone?
Your mom should have focused on that, not on a silly pic. Congratulations!” tinny36
Another User Comments:
“You said in another response you paid for the photographer, but your mom thinks you’re disrespecting her. Be very careful about anything she does pay for; sounds like you may hear her hanging that over your head for the rest of your lives.
You aren’t indebted to get for what she pays for, as she’s doing it of her own volition. Also, congrats on your upcoming wedding.” Princesszelda24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ even a tiny bit. For comparison… Did a photo shoot with my two sisters to get pics as a gift for our parents.
Let me introduce you to my absolute favorite pic… There’s Left Sister, then me, then Right Sister. All three of us are laughing our heads off – I and Right Sister laughing at each other cause we’d been all nicely posed and then she grabbed my butt (I thought), Left Sister laughing at the camera cause she was the actual butt-grabber but other sister got the blame.
Unclassiness makes for GREAT photos.” wheresWoozle
17. AITJ For Moving Out Of My Mom's House?
“I (25F) am moving out of my mom’s house. She’s a single parent, and I’m an only child. I haven’t moved out sooner, mostly because of how expensive things are, but I recently found a great apartment with a good friend of mine. My mom is NOT happy that I’m moving out.
This came as a surprise to me because my mom has constantly told me that she can’t stand me, wants me out, and cannot live with me, etc. Our relationship tends to go through good and bad phases, high highs and LOW lows.
Although I am trying to move out on good terms, my mom is saying I blindsided and backstabbed her.
I don’t understand because she’s known about every step of the process from me looking, applying, etc. She’s basically saying that once I leave, she wants nothing to do with me and that I’m selfish for moving out. I feel bad because I don’t want to leave her alone, but I also want to have a better relationship with her and be able to take care of myself and my needs.
AITJ??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is most likely fearful of living alone, being lonely, and losing her connection to you — all of which is her problem. Try to ignore her hostility, is my advice. You absolutely should move out and focus on your own life.
In 6 months or a year, odds are she will have adapted and your relationship will have improved.” Pinkie_Flamingo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She sounds like the type that thrives on drama. Let her have his drama; if you decide not to move out, she will complain too.
This is one of those things—darned if you and darned if you don’t. So basically, do it. And sadly, you will have to learn to ignore her drama. As you said, it’s a cycle. Let her complain and whatever, and after a while, things will be back to normal. It is not your fault; it is the way she is, and there is nothing you can do about it.
Just take care of yourself.” SkyLightk23
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She sees herself as dependent on you in some way. Maybe she needs any money you bring in, or needs to have something she has control over. Perhaps she is genuinely lonely and only speaking up because it’s more of a reality than it has previously been.
Whatever it is, her reaction to you wanting to move out and be independent is a red flag, attempting to guilt you into staying.” ScorchieSong
16. AITJ For Going On A Vacation Even Though My Mom Won't Join Because Of My Dad's Illness?
“We had planned to go on an expensive family vacation to California with me, my partner, my sister, her husband, and my parents. My dad is now sick and now we suspect my mom will be too.
However, everyone else hasn’t been exposed.
Our mom is very upset she can’t go, which is very reasonable, but now she is upset with us because we still want to go.
She doesn’t have a job, but all four of us do, and we already used up our vacation days to go, and the vacation is fully paid for.
She thinks it is unfair that she can’t go because of our father, and we believe that’s valid, but we also believe it’s unfair for us to not go after losing all our vacation days to just not go.
Would we be the jerks for going?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s a bummer, but my husband kept our butts at home and masked up super carefully before vacay for this very reason. It sucks, but this is how it is now.” Pippin_the_parrot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ of course mom would be disappointed they can’t go, that makes sense, but why wouldn’t she still want you guys to go, relax, have a ton of fun, enjoy yourselves, and bring her back a nice souvenir, and many pictures?!
You all paid for it, you all requested time off, and you should still get to go. When large groups go on vacation, it’s usually understood that if you end up not being able to go for whatever reason, that doesn’t mean everyone else will still stay behind, sometimes life happens.
Mom and them can go on their own time when they’re better, or you guys can go on another trip later.” shezza314
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Go and have fun. I posted this elsewhere today, but my husband and I planned a trip to Jamaica when I was pregnant with my first. There was a bug going around, and we decided I should stay home.
He offered to, too, but I told him to go and enjoy it. Sure, I was a little disappointed I couldn’t go, but that’s life and it was for the right reasons, and I was happy that he could go and have fun! Your mom is being selfish to think everyone else would cancel because they got sick.” Glitchy-9
15. AITJ For Playing The Basement Piano When A Student Demands Quiet For Studying And Interviewing?
“My university dorm has a basement with a piano. I really like music, so I go in and practice on Saturday mornings. A few weeks ago, there was a student there in a suit on a Zoom call. So I go in and start; however, he tells me that he’s at an important job interview.
I stop because I don’t want to interrupt the interview, and I tell him that he should reserve a quiet room at the library for the future.
Last weekend, the same guy is studying there and politely asks me not to play since he’s studying for a final. I just leave because he’s polite and think a final or interview is more important.
But I also want to do my hobby, and there are other places for him to study. WIBTJ if I just played the piano anyway?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The piano is there, it isn’t quiet hours, and this is a space that is available for all to use, right?
Like, you don’t have to sign out the space to use or anything? If not, then that’s the risk he takes when he does things like study down there. I was once in the computer lab at my college, which was the free-for-all one. It was not a quiet space and never had been marked as such.
Someone wanted to take a test in there and got upset when people were in there talking. I reminded him that the library is the designated quiet area. He screamed at me and left, but that didn’t make him more correct. We also had the student study center, also a designated quiet space.
If you are someone who requires quiet to study, that’s fine. Go seek it out.” TaiDollWave
Another User Comments:
“Potentially, you might be the jerk, depending on some variables. The Zoom call interview I get. You can’t really do that in a study room, and you were cool to defer on that, so NTJ.
Playing through an interview would be a definite yes, YTJ. Hard-core studying? Yeah, if you need a quiet place to study and can’t do it in your room, then get to the study rooms or library. It’s quiet in those places and they aren’t going to kick you out until they’re ready to turn the lights off for the night.
If the person chooses NOT to avail himself of designated study areas, after you oh so gently and politely suggest it, again, NTJ. Even so, I would probably cut back on my playing time and choose quieter pieces to play. The downstairs area there sounds like it’s meant for everyone to use, and not the exclusive private domain of one person.
In the interest of being nice, if your uni has a music program, I imagine they have a couple of practice rooms with pianos. Would it be possible to get some time in one of them if you aren’t a music student? There are always options.
Overall, I still go with you are NTJ (sounds like Maury Povitch, lol. “OP, you are NOT the jerk!”). The other person has some serious potential jerkery working though.” FantasticDreamer1221
Another User Comments:
“It’s a public-ish place, but also a home so it’s hard to say what is the objectively right answer.
To me, it’s public enough that noninvasive music shouldn’t bother anyone even if they’re studying. Interview I can understand, but if the piano has the soft pedal on and he owns headphones with a speaker like most headphones use days even that shouldn’t interfere. But I guess to him it’s a big enough deal to bother asking.
I feel you’re NTJ. But I can see an argument for ESH. Ultimately, it’s up to you and any efforts you can make to make it noninvasive are better, but I’d keep doing it. (I’d also honestly try and sit to hear your piano better while I studied and I’m sure there are others in the building who feel the same.
You may never see it, but I bet someone keeps their door open while you practice.)” dontaskmeout
14. AITJ For Not Stopping My Partner From Drinking Before An Interview?
“My partner and I were drinking with a group of friends (partly my friends, partly hers) tonight, which was cool. But a problem was that my partner had a job interview later on today, so she had to monitor herself. Needless to say, she didn’t monitor herself, so I had to monitor her.
I tried to stop my partner from drinking too much, but she didn’t want to listen and always got a bottle, and her friends didn’t make my job any easier. She ended up drinking so much that I had to babysit her. Now she probably can’t make it to the interview.”
Another User Comments:
“Info: Do you want to be in relationships with people whose issues with booze/substances interfere with their lives negatively (like missing job interviews) and where you need to be involved to make their life function (like monitoring their booze intake the night before a job interview)?
That’s called codependency, my friend.” ArmNo8807
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Assumedly she knows how her own self handles liquor, and that she had a job interview the morning after, so she knew what her responsibilities were. You made attempts to aid her, but she’s still an adult, so the fault lies with her here, although it sounds like her friends weren’t any help either.
Sounds like she’s gotta do the interview with a hangover, ‘cause that’s what she’d have to deal with had this been a job and not just an interview.” SkyHeroineX
Another User Comments:
“No man NTJ. You can’t force a grown adult not to drink.
You tried to get her to slow down and quit drinking, but the only way you could’ve made her stop drinking would be to be a jerk. She’s old enough to make her dumb decision to drink the night before an interview. This falls entirely on her; you gave it your all and she wouldn’t think of the interview.
So no, you’re NTJ.” AlphaGamer_Dubz
13. AITJ For Waking My Partner Up To Do His Dishes?
“My partner (m26) and I (f25) have been together for just 6 years now, living together for about 4.
When we first moved in together we made the agreement that household chores would be split as even as possible, but as a result of some major issues with my mental health, that split changed.
I told him when I left my job that I’m happy to do the majority of the housework, but there are a few things that are solely his responsibility.
His only jobs are to keep his bathroom clean (he gets the ensuite), put his clean clothes away, and be responsible for doing the dishes. Outside of that, it’s just standard stuff like ‘put your shoes where they belong, don’t leave your clothes on the floor next to the hamper’ kind of stuff.
At the beginning of this agreement, things went well, but now he’s gotten so lax in everything he does. There have been times when he’s gone two weeks without doing the dishes, he’ll leave plates on the couch, or just pile crap up in the sink until it grows mold.
I have a severe phobia of mold, so once that happens, I almost can’t be in the kitchen. He knows this.
Before anyone asks “Why don’t you just do it yourself?” I have sciatica, and the height of our kitchen sink requires me to bend at an angle that causes serious pain.
If I could, I would, and I try to help where I can by cleaning my own dishes when I’m done with them, but when the sink is piled so high with crap that I can’t physically get anything under the faucet, it’s a losing battle.
So tonight, I asked him if he could do the dishes when we came home from doing some grocery shopping. He said sure. We got home, I got all the groceries packed away, and I realized he was nowhere to be seen. I figured he was just in the bathroom, so I sat down and finished folding some washing (his laundry, I might add).
Still nothing. When I finished, I went up to the bedroom to find him in bed.
I won’t lie, I was upset. We had agreed that he would do the dishes and that I would finish folding laundry, and when he was done with the dishes he’d put his clothes away.
So I woke him up and made him get up and do the dishes. I didn’t scream or shout or call him names, but I was definitely stern and obviously angry. He tried to give me reasons why he needed to sleep, I told him I didn’t care, he agreed to do the dishes, he was going to finish the darn dishes.
He started the dishes last night, but when the dish rack was full, he walked away and left the sink full of water and dirty cutlery. He does this every time. He takes two or three days to finish, so I told him I wanted them ALL done.
He eventually got up and did them, but he wasn’t happy about it. He also put away his clothes.
There was no argument, but I’m left wondering, should I have just taken him at his word and let him sleep?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is a 26-year-old man who can and NEEDS TO clean up after himself. He’s taking advantage of you, OP, and you need to nip this in the bud now before it gets any worse. He doesn’t see you as a partner, he sees you as his mother/maid.
It doesn’t matter if he’s the sole monetary contributor, if he was living alone he’d be paying all the bills AND doing all the chores, he’s lucky you’re doing as much housework as you do, especially since you literally have sciatica.
This is a classic case of weaponized incompetence. Don’t let him win, it’ll only get worse from here. You are not a maid, you are not his mother, you are his partner.” peachriings
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Weaponized incompetence at its finest. The bigger question you need to ask yourself is when you became the manager of the house.
Equal partners do work when it needs to be done. A house manager is ultimately made responsible for ALL the chores and making sure the other person gets theirs done. This doesn’t have to be your life moving forward, OP. Scream, cry, ride his butt until he does his fair share, or get rid of him and save yourself the frustration of dealing with his crap.” Ok_Clock_8658
Another User Comments:
“NTJ NTJ NTJ! From this post, I can see you deserve better so his job is to clean the dishes right. Why isn’t he doing that every day also those have sat long enough to grow mold from what I’m seeing! You need to get a job and then run; this is showing you what would happen if you got married. Please leave them.” StrawberrySharkBite
12. AITJ For Lying About My Mom's Garden To Punish Neighborhood Kids?
“My backyard is visible from my neighbor’s balcony. I live alone. My friend dumped this creepy mannequin on me as a gag gift the prior Hanukkah. I also have an old wheelchair from when I dislocated my hip.
On Halloween a couple of years ago, my neighbors’ kids and their friends took a bucket and filled it with eggs and dog crap, and doused my concrete garden in it.
I had been up late with some friends binging Supernatural and saw the little crap hopping the fence. The next day, I dressed the mannequin up in my friend’s dress and put it in the wheelchair next to the window, wearing a wig and looking down.
The neighbor’s kid comes out onto his balcony and asks what I’m doing, and here’s the conversation:
Him: Whatcha doin?
Me: Cleaning my mom’s garden. Some jerk poured eggs and dog poop all over it.
Him: Whatcha mean, your mom’s garden? This is your house.
Me: No, I just moved in with her after her first stroke.
Him: Hold on for a sec. (He leaves and presumably asks his mom what a stroke is.) That sounds bad. Is she ok? (My mom never had a stroke. She is 72 and fit as though she were 18 again.)
Me: Yeah, she really loves to look at her garden, but I can’t bring her anywhere near it with it being this dirty. I help with her depression. She’s been getting worse ever since my sister died. (I’ve always been an only child.)
Him: Do you think that the guys who did it knew about your mom?
Me: No, some people don’t think about the consequences of their actions.
I later saw him talking to the other kids, and they all looked terrible. I never got vandalized for the last two years that I lived there.
You should’ve seen their faces when I wheeled out the mannequin, took off the wig, folded it up, and put it in my trunk. Mwah, priceless.”
Another User Comments:
“This is a masterpiece. True genius. Those kids felt bad AS THEY SHOULD. You had to clean up dog poop which is much worse!
NTJ.” neeksknowsbest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you may have been lying but you taught those kids a valuable lesson about not doing that stuff to others. Well played, man. Well played. Defo NTJ. Great practical joke! (I have a cat toy that’s a flopping fish that’s rechargeable and I catch lots of people off guard; they take a step, just about step on it, and it starts wiggling as if it were real. I always laugh when it happens because they think that they’ve stepped on my cat when they didn’t.)” lasttwinleft
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I mean, you also had the option of calling the cops, but they should be lucky you let them off the hook this easily instead of getting them in some real trouble.” Accomplished_Salt876
11. AITJ For Prioritizing Bills Over My Father's Christmas Demands?
“I’m a 27F from the Philippines, and my siblings (30F, 35F) and I financially support our father (59M) with a monthly allowance despite a difficult childhood.
Our mom died when I was 6, and our dad left us with our grandmother, who passed away when I was 9. We had to move between relatives and often went without food. He prioritized supporting his siblings over us and started multiple families without our knowledge.
My older sisters sacrificed their education to put food on our table and help with my education.
Though we’ve harbored resentment, we’ve learned to let it go, understanding that some adults are just children trying to navigate through life so maybe he was just lost. Now, we’ve achieved financial stability, and while inflation makes it tough, we agreed to provide a monthly allowance to our dad who is with his current (fourth) family, which includes three young kids (3 years, 1 year, and a baby).
His partner is unemployed, and they rely on us. We’ve tried helping them start businesses, but they mismanage funds. Despite frustrations, we adore the kids and contribute to their needs while also reminding them (father and partner) that they need a source of income as we have financial responsibilities to ourselves and our future too.
For Christmas, he asked for new appliances, groceries, etc., which we happily obliged. Along with his monthly allowance, we spent ₱200,000+ on appliances, groceries, gifts, and five large balikbayan boxes of items for the kids, our father, and his partner. We also sent an extra ₱40,000 for their Christmas feast. Altogether, we spent nearly a quarter of a million pesos in December.
However, my dad messaged our group chat on my payday, demanding more money for Christmas. I explained that my salary was allocated for bills and that I could send more on January 1st. He got angry and cussed at me, accusing me of being selfish, ungrateful, and petty, even threatening to throw away the balikbayan boxes when it arrives.
He said hurtful things, including wishing I wasn’t his child.
My sisters stood by me, deciding to hold off on additional money until our usual dates (10th and 25th). Now, our group chat is chaotic. I feel unappreciated and heartbroken, especially since they didn’t even call on Christmas and New Year’s Eve or let us see the kids.
Was I wrong for prioritizing my bills and standing my ground? Now my sisters won’t send money either, and I worry the kids will suffer because of this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for paying bills before sending more money, but YTJ to yourself for staying in touch with someone who treats you this way (let alone financially supporting them!).
You cannot buy your dad’s love. He will never be satisfied, no matter how much you give him. Because he clearly doesn’t care about you at all. He just wants money. (And he’s getting it!) A better use of your money would be getting some therapy to help you understand your worth, teach you how to recognize healthy and unhealthy relationships, equip you to set boundaries with people, and enable you to stop allowing others to use you as a punching bag (even if verbally) or an ATM.
You should never allow ANYONE – whether related to you or not – to treat you this way. You deserve better than this. Your sisters deserve better than this. Please get some help.” smallishbear-duck
Another User Comments:
“Most emphatically NTJ! Sounds like your so-called father is nothing of the sort.
It also sounds like he’s talking himself right out of his meal ticket because that’s exactly how he sees you and your siblings. What exactly has this man done for you, aside from contributing genetic material, that in any way justifies you giving him even a single passing thought, let alone a consistent flow of money on a regular basis?
That’s not a father, that’s a leech. A parasite that is dragging all of you down. I myself don’t ask for much, but I’m really big on gratitude and sincerity. Based on what you’ve said, your best course of action would be to cut bait and leave him to his own devices.
It’s time for you and your siblings to put yourselves first and drop this albatross from around your collective necks.” killgrinch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I understand that in your culture it is expected to support your parents regardless of how good they were at being parents.
As a result of you removing support, you could be viewed poorly in your community. So your father knows he has you in a hard place. But you can’t give what you don’t have. Money for bills is a non-negotiable. You pay bills, savings, and pension first before helping others.
As for his attitude. I think first sit with your sisters and decide if you want to be a united front on this issue. Then inform him: “Dad, we have you (insert total money sent over the month of December) plus gifts for the whole family.
Which is (insert total spent minus normal monthly allowance) more than your normal monthly allowance of (insert normal monthly allowance). We have been extremely generous. And in 2025 we will not be increasing our contributions. If you feel your monthly allowance is not enough, please get a job to supplement your needs.
As for your attitude. It was ungrateful and uncalled for. And quite frankly made us wonder if you think of us as family or not. If you don’t consider us family and provide the respect family deserves we may reconsider if there is any point supplementing your income at all.
It would be a great shame as we love our half-siblings and would not want them to suffer because of your lack of respect and love towards us. But at the end of the day, we can’t continue with these same patterns of abuse and disrespect in the new year.
Sincerely your daughers.”” Both-Mud-4362
10. AITJ For Not Paying My Dad's Full Tire Bill Despite His Rides?
“My (34/f) dad (66/m) and I live together for financial reasons, but 2025 will be our last year living together.
He takes me to and from work because I don’t know how to drive (was always told not to, because of my ADHD and anxiety, but I’m currently studying for my permit, and then he’s going to teach me, and then, with half of my taxes, I’m going to put a down payment on a vehicle).
Anyways, so this morning, I’m at work and he starts blowing up my phone, saying he has a flat tire and he put the spare on, but I need to buy him a new tire when I get paid on Thursday. I said I’m not paying for the whole thing myself, especially since he’s been going on all these dates with women he’s meeting online and they’re often 30+ miles out of town.
I’ll cover half, but that’s it. He said, “Hmm… okay, then you can take a Lyft to and from work, and we’ll see how fast you break.” I said I don’t have to take one both to and from work since my shift partner passes our neighborhood on her way and has offered to take me multiple times, and I can just Lyft home.
He got mad and said, “Well, I’m not helping you with anything. We’ll see who breaks first. It’s like a game, and I think I’ll win.” I called him a child for acting like that, and we haven’t said anything to each other since.
I normally wouldn’t mind doing it, but with my next check I have to pay my half of the rent ($650), plus phone bill ($121), plus cable/internet bill ($253), plus garbage bill ($81), plus groceries (at least $250), plus gas (around $100), plus his Hanukkah gift ($50), and Christmas gifts for my sister and her husband ($100).
He thinks, because I worked overtime, I’m going to have all this money, but he doesn’t seem to realize that most of it is spoken for already, and that’s not even counting me not asking for him to pay me back the $100 he owes me for giving him money for all his dates.
AITJ? Part of me feels like I am since he does take me to and from work even when I work nights, but I don’t feel like I should have to pay for a whole new tire when I’m paying for all this other stuff.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but this shows a lot about your situation and your need to move. You were right in offering to split the bill as you recognize you essentially have some responsibility for wear and tear based on the usage. What you should do: 1) Ask for the $100 he owes you as you need a new tire.
That will more than cover half the price of a new tire. Then you pay the rest as intended. 2) Stop loaning him money. This has shown he doesn’t respect you or your contribution. If he did the half or asking you to cover the whole because of his situation would be reasonable vs what he did.
3) Look up a used tire place near you, as you can probably get a cheap, good used tire for $40. I actually can see him not teaching you to drive to prevent you leaving. Do you have any other options on learning?” Imaginary_Rule_7089
Another User Comments:
“How much do you really appreciate him driving you to work? His time, the wear and tear on his car, the cost of gas, and insurance. Then how much is it going to cost you if you don’t chip in for a new tire? You may NTJ if you don’t buy the tire, but giving up your dad’s taxi service for Uber is going to cost you soooo much more.” waffleironhead
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if he’s healthy enough for romancing he’s healthy enough to get a job and not try to get by on SS. He can deduct the tire from the $100 he owes you and move on. You should be putting 10% of your income into retirement and 10% into an emergency fund to cover expenses like this tire.
The fact that you’re 34 and living paycheck to paycheck means you need to figure out your life.” mwenechanga
9. AITJ For Cutting Ties With A Family That Always Excluded Me?
“I am female and I am 16. Close to 17. My mother had me when she was 17, and I’ve never had my birth dad in my life. For the whole 16, nearly 17 years of my life, ever since I can remember, it’s been my stepdad. For personal reasons, I’ll call him Mark.
He’s been my only ideal father figure in my life, and I have called him dad for 15 and a half years. I will continue to call him dad, as he and I have a good father-daughter relationship even after he and my mum had my half-brother.
He made sure I didn’t feel left out in the family.
But, Mark’s mother and sister have always made me feel like an outsider. I know I will be an outsider to them to begin with, but with Mark being my stepdad for 15 and a half years, I thought they’d count me as family.
But they haven’t. They’ve gone from body-shaming me to not even bothering to get me a Christmas or birthday card or gift but will get them for my half-brother, stepdad, and mum.
Around this time of year is when my stepdad’s mum does a Christmas dinner and gift exchange, and I did go even when I knew they’d make me watch everyone open gifts and cards, etc., and they all joked about it.
But now that I’m older, I think they do it because I am not blood. But for around 4 months, I’ve been missing family gatherings and BBQs because I’m not going to go and get disrespected and insulted for either eating, being on my phone, being too happy, or helping out.
And they thought I was being an ungrateful teen until they invited me, my stepdad, half-brother, and mother to her Christmas gift and dinner exchange thing. I said I wasn’t going, and she asked my stepdad to pass the phone to me.
I put her on speaker so my mother and stepdad could hear what she was saying to me, and she insulted me straight up, saying something about my weight with the lines “you’re most likely going to eat everything.” When she said that, something inside snapped and I kind of went off on her, saying the lines of: “Why the heck are you commenting on my weight when you’re 10 times the size of me?
Why are you making me feel like I don’t belong when I’m around you? You treat me like I’m a nobody, so the reason I don’t want to come is because you don’t like the idea of Mark bringing me up like his own daughter when I’m a stranger’s child.
Do yourself a favor and don’t talk to me unless you grow up.”
I hung up and passed the phone, and my mother was laughing as she went through similar things that I have, but it was only for the fact she kept me when my birth dad didn’t want me.
And my stepdad was surprised, but he knew I was right and he said I wouldn’t have to apologize.
I do understand I shouldn’t have said that in that way, but I was done with taking their crap for so many years; I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I’ve cut full contact and have been staying at my aunt’s (mother’s younger sister) as they’ve been going to my stepdad’s and mum’s house to talk to me to make me apologize, but I haven’t been there. Am I wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but if your aunt is an ally talk more in-depth about what has happened all these years.
Nothing about your situation is right, except you. Take time to organize it by writing letters or notes. Then have your mum and ‘Mark’ and your brother come to your aunt’s and let them know how badly they failed you. How they allowed you to be abused. I include your brother because he needs to understand how wrong everyone is here.
Everyone but you. I cannot express how much my heart breaks for you over the years. Your parents failed you so badly. They are meant to protect you as a child. Instead, they allowed Mark’s family to abuse you. Yes, the bullying, name-calling, demeaning you, etc. is abuse, and your parents allowed it to happen.
I hope you have or find a stable person, therapist if you choose, that understands what healthy relationships are to help you navigate.” Necessary_Internet75
Another User Comments:
“My stepdad/dad was also a Mark. I was 12; there were a total of 4 of us, and he took on the dad role even though he never wanted children (we found out shortly before he died that he actually couldn’t have children).
He loved my mother, so he loved us like his own. He and my mother didn’t marry until shortly before his first cancer diagnosis, and only made it legal because he needed health insurance. His mother didn’t like my mother. Though she was always kind to us children to our faces and always remembered our birthdays and Christmas, she apparently had plenty to say about us — my mother in particular — when we weren’t around.
After he died, his whole family pretty much stopped contact with us. I speak to about 5 cousins on that side with some regularity (several more than on my maternal side, and I’m biologically related to them!). Some step-families just suck. My dad loved us. He was a dad to us.
His family treated us like family to our faces, but once he was dead… It was like we were too, for most of his family. (Each of my parents had 7 siblings with many cousins… I think I have 50-60 first cousins between the two sides.
My mother has over 120 first cousins. I speak with a total of 8 family members between the two sides.)” ElehcarTheFirst
Another User Comments:
“OP, everyone but you (and your mom’s younger sister) are jerks. Please update us when you’ve had a conversation with your mom and Mark about why they have let his family be so horrifically rude to you – their child (yes, Mark has accepted the role as your father figure and you as his child)?!?!
How can they just think it’s funny that you are the first person to actually speak up on your own behalf? That they never said to his family – that they would not tolerate his family treating you so poorly… and actually take steps to protect you from his family?!?!
Your mom and Mark need to go to counseling to understand how they have failed you for so long and what steps they need to take going forward. When they are a little more prepared, they will need to go to counseling with you to work through your relationship with them and how they have failed you with regard to Mark’s family.
I do believe that your mom and Mark love you, but they don’t seem to understand how big a mistake they have been making. A counselor can help them open their eyes and manage to protect you better, going forward. NTJ.” swillshop
8. AITJ For Telling My Friend To Stop Venting While I Grieve?
“I (25F) have a friend (26F) who is constantly complaining to me about her depression. When this first started, I would try to provide feedback because most of her problems had very obvious and simple solutions.
Fast forward to 2022, my brother passed away, and I myself began my own battle with mental illness.
During this time, my friend still continued to vent to me about her depression. Her venting started to really get under my skin because it seemed insensitive, given the passing of my brother.
I began to set boundaries and tell this friend that if she is not going to do anything to help herself, then I’m going to need her to bring the venting to a stop as I am still grieving.
She then proceeded to tell me that I am being insensitive and am not the only person going through things. I then explained to her that, from my pov, it seems as if she enjoys wallowing in her own sadness, as she has never actively tried to solve her problems. I also mentioned that I am actively grieving my brother and it is too much to deal with my own pain and have to listen to hers nearly every day.
She told me that she is also dealing with the loss of my brother, and I need to realize that the world does not revolve around me.
I feel that I’m NTJ because it isn’t my responsibility to be her personal therapist.”
Another User Comments:
“”That she is also dealing with the loss of my brother.” That’s all you need right there. Unless she was married to him or something, this is just flagrantly disrespectful and extremely self-centered. In Judaism, there is a concept of circles of grief, where the immediate family forms the innermost circle and concentric rings continue outward depending on proximity to the loss.
You always support in and dump out — just because you are grieving does not mean you can burden those who have sustained an even greater loss. To be honest, after something like that, my friendship would be over. In college, a friend made a similar comment to me about how her need for my support as she contemplated a potential breakup was as important as the fact my father was currently on his deathbed. It was the last conversation we ever had.
NTJ and I am so very sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself.” saltpancake
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I do think you need to recognize that when people are venting about their problems, they often don’t want solutions. This is especially true if you’re offering “very obvious and simple” solutions without, y’know, considering that if the solution is that simple and obvious then the other person has probably already tried it.
Your friend is being awful toward you, which is the only reason my verdict is NTJ and not ESH; but it sounds like you’ve been insensitive and condescending toward her for a long time now. God knows there are people who like to wallow in their misery, but you could have taken care of this by just telling her that you can’t be her sounding board right now, and then ending the conversation whenever the wallowing starts.
Sometimes there really, truly are problems that don’t have a quick fix, no matter how obvious and simple they look from the outside. Your grief is one. Her depression might be another. Either be kinder to each other or cut each other loose.” writinwater
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. From what you’ve said, it seems as if this is a very one-sided relationship. You’re just an audience for all her rants about how hard her life is. She views your role as someone to validate HER pain. I went through the same thing with an ex-bff who ranted to me about every little sour interaction she had on any given day.
It took the death of my parents, two years apart from each other, to realize how horrible and dismissive she was of my pain while still expecting an audience for hers. The ironic part? I’m sure she views herself as the one who had to stop talking to me because I was too needy.
Sometimes, it takes needing someone to be there for you, the way you’ve been there for them, to realize how little they actually care.” -forest-fairy-
7. AITJ For Using My In-Laws' Gift Money For Ski Camps Instead Of Buying Each Other Gifts?
“I (36f) have been married to my husband (37m) for almost 8 years and we have 3 kids under 7. My husband’s family lives a 4-hour flight from us and in a location that is very difficult to travel to at Christmas time so it’s long been established that we don’t travel to them at Christmas time, and there are no hard feelings about this at all.
My mother-in-law used to send us Christmas packages with gifts, but as we’ve had more kids, the last 4-ish years she has just sent us a cheque and asked us to purchase gifts for our family on behalf of her and my FIL.
We always use this money for gifts for the kids, and we always tell the kids that those gifts are from their grandparents.
Honestly, because it’s a lump sum, it has been really great to get a larger ticket gift for them to share (as an example, we used it one year to buy them a Nugget play couch — something we otherwise wouldn’t have given them as a gift).
A couple of years ago my MIL clarified that the money is also intended to be enough for my husband and I to buy gifts for each other “from them.” This is honestly just a lower priority for us, and we told her one year that we don’t need much for ourselves and had just used the money for the kids.
My MIL wasn’t thrilled about this, and then last year when we were on FaceTime on Christmas morning, she asked us directly what gifts we had gotten each other from them. We both improvised and showed gifts that we had just bought for each other and went through a bit of a show of thanking them for these gifts.
It felt a little silly.
This year, the cheque has arrived and we really want to use it to get the kids in ski camps over the break. It’s the perfect amount for that. I would just like to be honest with my ILs that this is what we are doing with their gift money, instead of pretending that my husband and I are using it to get each other gifts too.
However, given that she’s specified that she wants all 5 of us to get a gift “from them,” AITJ for not following what she’s asking?
I will add that my MIL and I have a solid and friendly relationship, however, we are not particularly close.”
Another User Comments:
“Just pick a present each year that you gave each other and pretend it came ‘from them.’ It’s not even really false if you think about it since money is fungible. I.e. you could just as easily say that you used the in-law’s money to cover most of the cost for the ski camp, and you pitched in the rest, and that they ‘bought’ you the other thing.
This is what my family does and it’s always been easy enough, and I think it makes them happy to think me and my partner are enjoying ourselves as well. Basically, it’s a minor ask to let them preserve the happy fiction, so I don’t really see the need to push them on it.” heather_rodes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re using the money exactly as it was intended. She would ‘like’ you to include yourself and your husband in the gift giving but you simply don’t want or need it. You instead put the money to the same use for your kids (which IMO is who matter the most during the holidays).
The gift that she got you is you have less stress in your lives. She gave you some extra money to help with gifts and now you two can better enjoy the holidays. She thinks gifts are ‘stuff’ but the reality is she gifted you a state of mind.
“This year, the cheque has arrived and we really want to use it to get the kids in ski camps over the break.” Absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s a gift for your children and I bet they’d be absolutely thrilled with it. You’re not doing anything wrong.
Some people are just weird about the holidays. Not everyone needs to get a gift and the idea that you’d be ‘forced’ to buy yourself and your husband a gift is just odd. It’s a waste of money and just puts unnecessary stress on you.” LawfullyNeurotic
Another User Comments:
“YTJ & you’re making an issue where none need exist. Your husband is her baby boy. She wants to buy him a present. Why would you resist this? When your children are grown, how would you feel about a future son or daughter-in-law who tried to tell you to stop buying your own child a present with your own money!!
(And I don’t for a second believe you’d be ok with this, given how much resistance you’re putting up to stop spending someone else’s money on your own children right now — rather hypocritical, don’t you think?) It’s her money — she gets to choose how she spends it.
To the point of going back to choosing & posting individual presents in future years, so that you stop trying to force her to spend HER money in the way that YOU choose. And it’s all academic anyway. You clearly have enough money to buy each other gifts, without spending the MIL money on yourselves.
So either label one of the presents you would have bought each other anyway as from MIL — or use her money to choose something you both want, and put the present buying money you saved towards the kids’ big gift.” amberallday
6. AITJ For Feeling Neglected At My Graduation When My Mom Prioritized My Sister?
“I (F18) just graduated yesterday from high school. This is a big moment for me as I struggled a lot with mental health issues that caused me to miss a year of school, have to repeat a year and attend my final years of school almost completely online.
Overall, I have completely turned my education around and have finished this year with 2nd place in most of my subjects and an early offer to 2 universities as well as a scholarship. My relationship with my mother has been strained recently as her favoritism for my younger sister (F15) has been at an all-time high, with her letting my sister be horrible to me and just letting it slide, including my sister yelling at me when I was having a mental health crisis.
I went into my mother’s room fully dressed early in the morning and asked her why she wasn’t dressed, as she was still lying in bed. She told me that she had had a headache for the past 2 days and didn’t feel well.
I asked her if she would still come, and she just said no. She didn’t say good luck or anything; she just continued to scroll on her phone as I walked out.
At my graduation, numerous people asked me where my mom was, and my 2 best friends’ parents offered to be my family for the day, as my father also couldn’t attend due to work.
It felt so disappointing that the people who cheered for me as I did my speech and collected my rewards were people I had known for less than a year rather than my family.
I am grateful to them though.
Once I got back home, she didn’t come to congratulate me.
She didn’t even acknowledge my existence until I went into her room, and she asked me why I was so grumpy. I told her that my feelings were hurt that she didn’t come to my graduation. She said, ‘Sorry, but I don’t feel well.’ I told her that this was a once-in-a-lifetime thing and that she had pushed through headaches for my younger sister before for far less important things.
She now isn’t really speaking to me. She still hasn’t asked about how graduation went and barely acknowledges me. I just feel so disappointed. We weren’t always like this, but our relationship has been deteriorating throughout the year, and I just miss my mom.
My older sister (21F) said that I need to let it go, as my mom didn’t feel well, and she said sorry. I don’t feel like this is something a sorry can fix, though. She recently (2 months ago) sat in a hot car for an hour after being sick for a week to attend a year 10 information session for my younger sister, who didn’t even turn up, but couldn’t come to my 1-hour graduation inside an air-conditioned hall?
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re completely justified in feeling the way you are. I would be furious as well if my parents did that. Your mom is a jerk for ditching your important day, once in a lifetime, and gaslighting you. Don’t let her walk all over you.
Don’t try to apologize to her; that’s what she wants, that’s why she’s emotionally blackmailing you. If she doesn’t want to talk, don’t. Find out how low she can go before coming to her senses. Talk to your father. Explain the situation to him; that’ll annoy her even more.
As someone who’s faced parental neglect over another sibling, what worked for me was working on my relationship with the other parent (in my case, my father prefers my sister over me in all things, so I teamed up with my mother to make them jealous).
Stay strong, OP. And congratulations!” YourRealDaddyy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your hurt and anger are justified. My father didn’t come to my graduation because he ‘didn’t like crowds.’ He didn’t mind our 350-member church, the thousands downtown for festivals, the large construction sites he worked at, or any country music concert.
He got over his aversion to crowds to attend my mother’s and sister’s graduations and take photos of them. No, he just didn’t care about mine. Fortunately, my grandmother stepped in to attend. Her memory is a blessing. Your mother and father failed. They should have planned, been there, and supported you.
Period. Dad may be less overt in his lack of priorities, but taking a day off, or some hours off, is reasonable. Missing your hard-earned milestone for a job that would replace him before his body was cold is not. Onwards and upwards. Roll into uni away from your family and see how your circle grows aside from them.
You will, in time, have an event they very much want to attend. And you can remind them of this exactly why they are not invited.” Viva_Veracity1906
Another User Comments:
“First of all, congratulations on completing a pretty big accomplishment despite some setbacks! Second, you have a right to feel disappointed and let down by people who you thought were your cheerleaders.
But, it’s okay to find your real people; the ones who are genuinely happy to see you succeed and thrive and who will show up when you ask. (PS, you won’t even feel like a burden or any level of guilt; they’ll just genuinely be happy for you.) Third, I know exactly how underwhelmed and frustrated you feel.
I played school sports starting in 4th grade until I graduated high school. For my senior year, my family moved across the state and I had to finish out in a new school (this royally sucked at the time). To get to know people, I, of course, joined the basketball and softball teams. My parents didn’t show up to the very last game of my basketball season; I was devastated. My teammates were crying, and one of their moms came up to me and gave me a hug (I think she knew I didn’t have anyone).
Softball season came and the same thing happened; my parents weren’t there even though I told them how distraught I was after basketball. It was a quiet ride back on the bus; I was the only student. All my teammates had rides back with their families.
(This too royally sucked.) Now I tell this story not to get pity but to highlight that it took me a long time to reframe my perspective of what support looks like and from who. I’m a big advocate that if it means letting go of traditional ideas of familial support and finding it elsewhere, then do that!
The important thing is you feel valued and celebrated during every life accomplishment! Best of luck on all your next adventures and milestones. NTJ.” ChampagneSupernova03
5. AITJ For Not Telling My Mom About My Aunt's Tuition Help?
“My (22F) mom, 44F, has never really been in a good financial place. This is not due to her not having a good job—she makes bad financial decisions.
For example, last year she became debt-free and bought a $20,000 couch with a loan and went on vacation. Her husband (my stepdad) is also this way. He didn’t want to get a job closer to home, so they paid for an apartment where we actually work about 4 hours away from their house.
She’s also quite sensitive to any monetary topics. For example, my cousin got a brand new car when we graduated HS, and my mom cried for days because she wasn’t able to provide me with that. I told her I was just fine with the car I had.
My aunt, ~40F, and her long-term partner recently came into some money and moved into a $900K house with lots of money still left over. My aunt went to the same university that I’m going to now, and so I asked her for advice on getting an external loan alone.
This is because my mom and my stepdad have tried to be a cosigner for me, and they were both denied. I paid for my Associates and am paying for my Bachelors out of pocket and all by myself. They have never offered or been able to help me.
I have never mentioned this or been ungrateful; I love school. My aunt recently took me to lunch and told me that since they’re in a great place and already got all their Christmas presents for everyone, she is going to give me her work bonus to use for school.
I don’t know how much it is, but she is a CPA and I know it is at least $1,000.
I am very excited and grateful as I only have a year and a half left (with only 12K in student loans so far!). My mom and I are extremely close and keep no secrets from each other, but I feel that if I tell her, then she will be happy to my face, but we’ll go home upset.
I also don’t want to make my mom feel like I was keeping secrets from her. Would I be the jerk if I don’t tell her to keep from hurting her feelings? Or maybe telling her down the line instead?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At 22, what money you make and what you do with it is none of your mother’s business. That would be true if she was a very responsible and helpful parent. As a fiscally wildly irresponsible and emotionally manipulative parent, it is doubly true and essential. And let’s step back from this ‘have no secrets.’ That is called enmeshment.
Your mother’s instability and emotionalism when accountability comes calling has created in you a chaotic response of leaning into your mother, propping her up emotionally, being a friend to her, that blurs the lines between a healthy parent and child relationship. At 22, you should have a whole shoebox of secrets from your mom—things friends and relatives have told you in confidence, intimate exploits, a special recipe, plans for the future, and adventures from the past. Your mother should be a sidebar option, not centered. Your brother is a good role model, your aunt a good mentor.
Start spending more time with them and less with mommy. Right after you lock down your credit and find out how much needs to be paid on that car note and what you can do about getting off it or mitigating any damage, as she is so unreliable.” Viva_Veracity1906
Another User Comments:
“There is NO reason you need to tell her. All you will do is cause heartache for everyone involved. Your parents will be upset that your Aunt is able to help you when they can’t because they are financially irresponsible, so it could end up with them being mad at both you and your aunt—her for offering to help and you for accepting help.
You need to learn that there are things that will happen in your life that you do not tell anyone about. This would be one of those things. You are a legal adult. What you do in your life is really not her business. Your amazing aunt is offering to help you out a bit financially because she can afford to do so, obviously loves you, and knows your parents are financially irresponsible.
She has agreed to keep it between the two of you, which is highly advisable. And do that—don’t tell friends, siblings, co-workers, or someone you court; it is between you and your aunt only. Accept your Aunt’s very kind and generous offer of assistance, thank her, and keep it between the 2 of you.
Wishing you the best.” RosieDays456
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do you have the money in your hands? No? Then there’s nothing to tell. Aunt could have a big medical bill and be unable to give you that money. You can tell your mom that your aunt was very helpful in your conversation and that you really appreciate her help and insights.
You can also say that your aunt was really interested in your education. Is that true? Probably. Then there’s the added layer of your mom’s bad financial habits. If she knew you had a windfall—is it possible she would ask for some/part of it?
It’s not in your best interests to share that info with your mom. Sad but true. If Aunt offers funds to you again, perhaps you could give her the info she needs to pay directly into your tuition. Then she didn’t give YOU anything.” opine704
4. AITJ For Returning Forgotten Fries And Calling My Mom Rude?
“I (16m) went to a McDonald’s with my mom. We ordered online, and some other guy with a family also did. Anyway, when the guy was picking up his order, he left his medium fries at the counter because it was in a separate bag, and he didn’t notice.
I wanted to tell the guy that he forgot his fries, but my mom wouldn’t let me. I was just trying to be nice, but she threatened to ground me.
I couldn’t stop myself, so I grabbed the fries and gave them to the guy while he was walking towards the exit.
He thanked me, but my mom glared at me and asked, “Why did you do that? I told you not to.”
When we got in the car, I told my mom that she is rude and nasty because she didn’t want to help this guy that did nothing to her.
I didn’t know why she stopped me, and I am still wondering, but am I the jerk for not listening to her and calling her rude and nasty?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom was irate that you didn’t let her steal his fries.
She should be modeling good morals and ethics to you, not the other way around, and be threatened with punishment for doing the right thing. You know how upset she’d have been if the roles were reversed, and she came back to find out the people behind her knowingly didn’t say crap and then stole her food.
That’s just so trashy.” PricklyPearPangolin
Another User Comments:
“Good Lord, your mom wanted to ground you because you made it impossible to steal someone else’s fries? I don’t know where you got your good values, but please hang onto them. You’re a gem of a 16-year-old, you know the right thing to do, and you do it even when it puts you at risk of being (completely unjustifiably) punished. You have integrity and the courage of your convictions.
Good people are going to notice this and will gravitate to you throughout your life. You are the exact opposite of a jerk. NTJ, not even a little tiny bit.” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“My daughter and I joke about doing our ‘good deed for the day’ when we go out together.
We look out for opportunities and have helped someone many a time with something they’ve dropped, or helping by putting their trolley away, etc, getting something they can’t reach, etc. We love it and talk about the warm fuzzies we feel knowing we’ve done something good.
As a mother, I can’t imagine teaching my child to do the opposite. You, OP, are a lovely human being.” regus0307
3. AITJ For Telling My Sister-In-Law That Her Spending Forced My Brother To Return To Work?
“My brother (44) got sick at work with sunstroke and dehydration, so he called me (F30) to get him to the hospital. He was admitted overnight but sent home the next day, and he went back to work.
The same day, late at night, my sister-in-law called my mom (who lives with me) and yelled at her that he was worse and that it was our fault because we didn’t leave him at the hospital.
He didn’t want to stay in the hospital because he didn’t have the money for it. Also, if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid, and they are in a tough financial situation because of her credit cards and can likely be evicted because their home loan isn’t paid.
So I told her that she is the reason my brother went back to work too soon because she spends too much money they don’t have. She also is a stay-at-home mom.
Now she sent my mom a long email telling her she won’t ever see her grandchildren again, and she is the worst Grandma in the world for siding with me.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ; sometimes, you need to truth bomb someone who lacks self-awareness. Having said so, I think that the person who your SIL needed to talk to/with is your brother, not you. Right now, all that you have is an angry SIL and a sick brother, with no plans on how to deal with their finances and/or their future.
All things considered, redirecting the conversation to include the two principles, and recommending that they have an adult conversation about their finances may have been the wiser course of action.” Individual_Ad_9213
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ. For the reason that you inserted yourself into someone else’s marriage and blew it up with a comment that let your SIL know her husband had been complaining to his family about her spending.
You have no idea if what he said is really true in the sense that it was all her running up the bills. You sound like you are jealous or judgemental about THEIR choice to have her be a SAHM and you violated your brother’s trust by making those comments to her.
It’s up to her husband to sit her down and talk about finances and draw up a budget plan. Dropping a ‘truth bomb’ like this is a nuclear option, and I’m not surprised she’s going NC with your side of the family. It’s inappropriate and rude to make comments blaming someone for a medical event that really was your brother’s stupidity (people don’t get sunburnt and heat stroke unless they forgo common-sense things like sunscreen and water).” Ok_Chemistry6317
Another User Comments:
“You told the truth that they have too many bills so her husband felt he needed to work. Doesn’t matter who’s spending the money at this point, the debt is there. Another truth is that her husband can sign himself out of the hospital. He needs no one’s permission.
It may be time for a group/family meeting. Together you might be able to help them with this.
Now to the problem: debt. It can be either of them or both of them using the credit card. It might be food and necessities. In which case their financial situation is dire.
If it’s going out to eat all the time and non-essentials, time to stop the spending — If they can’t stop, they need professional help. Time to pack lunches to bring to work. Time to select cheaper meats for dinner. Etc. If you live close enough to SIL she can drop the kids off when you or your mom are home.
Maybe once or twice a week. SIL can get a part-time or full-time job in retail, at the hospital, factory, etc. Anywhere that’s open more than Monday through Friday from 8 am to 5 pm. Give her husband a couple of days to rest and then he watches the kids on the other days.
Roughly, in the US, if you make $15-hour x working 15 hours each week for 52 weeks you’d earn $11,700 in a year. That’s about $800 a month after taxes, money that can go towards the credit card debt. Your brother and his wife are adults. Ultimately it’s their responsibility.
To assist with childcare for a year is generous and would help them out. There are also debt relief organizations to help get control of credit card debt. They can look into this too. By missing payments, their APR % could be in the 30s. NTJ.” Outrageous-forest
2. AITJ For Demanding A Say In MIL’s Gifts Instead Of Always Paying For Them?
“My husband and his sister have a “tradition” of buying their mom gifts together, but it always means she will pick the gifts and my husband is paying for them.
She never contributes a dime, but the gifts are still presented as being from both of them.
This tradition continues even after we’re married. Now she will pick the gifts, my husband pays for them, and the gifts are presented as being from them: me and her partner.
I’ve told my husband I want to be involved in gift decisions if we are paying for it, especially since we are on a tight budget after paying for our wedding on our own (his mom and his sister, by the way, gave us nothing on our wedding) and while expecting a baby.
I also suggested his sister start contributing if the gifts are joint or she buys her own gift and we buy our own. He agreed with me and suggested that we buy our own gift this Christmas. I’ve been shopping for his mom’s gift for weeks until I found out this evening that his sister just texted my husband yesterday, telling him she wants to buy their mom expensive Lululemon clothes for Christmas, and he agreed to it without talking to me.
I’m frustrated because this feels unfair, especially since she’s 30, makes good money as a nurse, and spends on luxuries for herself, but not on gifts for her own mother and brother. She doesn’t buy anything for our arriving baby either. I asked my husband why we are always having to be the ones who pay, yet I don’t even have a say-so on what to buy?
And why are we always the ones who buy gifts for them, but they never buy us anything? He acknowledged being taken “advantage” of, but said I’m overreacting and “petty” for being upset about this; that they are his mom and his sister, and with her being his “baby sister,” she has always been spoiled, and he doesn’t care…
So AITJ to be upset over this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s kinda weird he’s cool with her making that much money and spending your husband’s and your money post-wedding/pre-baby. I feel like I would just buy my own present for her and be like ‘well if you don’t want to pay for two presents from us, then don’t buy hers for her.’ Lmao.
Seriously, though, why continue spoiling an adult who obviously isn’t struggling. I have 6 older brothers (4 half-siblings). I was spoiled in some senses but was also mistreated because of my father’s misogynistic behaviors. My brothers, for the most part, see me as being their baby sissy.
They’d still hold me to it, especially because I am in line for a spot to be making good money once I have my degree, where some didn’t get to go to school or move on because of familial struggles with addiction and family court.
This sounds like a big issue in the making. Best of luck.” Important-Road-2339
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d be upset in your shoes, too. But fixing this is going to require work on your part. Remember, your husband grew up with this. It’s all he’s ever known: his sister is the baby, the Golden Child.
She can do no wrong; she gets what she wants. Assume this is something he tried fighting a long time ago, but it never went anywhere, so at some point he just gave up. This is reality and inevitable to him. Before you can get him on your side (where he should be), you need to dismantle more or less his entire belief system around his family dynamic.
He needs to relearn that no, he does not have to go along with whatever floats his sister’s boat. He can refuse. He can have his own mind. He can agree with you, disagree with her, and the world won’t end. This may end up being hard on him.
Social pressure from your family can be among the hardest kinds to resist. Be prepared to back him up continuously against his family until he can resist on his own, and hopefully find a new equilibrium with them.” HoldFastO2
Another User Comments:
“As harsh as it may seem, I think that it’s time for the two of you to get separate bank accounts.
Keep the joint one for expenses, but start putting everything else in a separate account. When your husband asks why, just tell him that you have tried to talk to him about this, but he kept writing you off and calling you petty. However, when he started putting his mother and sister above his (soon-to-be-born) child, you felt that he had gone too far.
And, following his logic, you could make this switch without telling him, because he refuses to stop spending money when you expressly said no, so you had to find some way to stop him from spending money on unneeded items.
You mentioned in your post that his sister is buying his mother multiple pairs of Lululemon pants while you bought a clearance box of clothes for the baby for half the price of one pair of pants.
Use that as an example and let him know that while he spends frivolously on his mother (and foots the bill for his sister’s excess), you are having to cut corners for your own child! Things change, and he needs to change too. Is it going to get to the point that your child doesn’t get something because he’s spending so much on his mother and sister?
Plus, ask him why he never gets a say in what is being purchased, as he’s always the one who pays for it. If the sister feels the need to flex that much, have her pull out some of her moldy money and pay! And the stupidest argument is that she has always been the little sister and has always been spoiled. That doesn’t make it right!
It’s incredibly frustrating that his sister gets to benefit by being seen as the person who helped pick out the gift but didn’t put anything towards it. I would also ask why he feels the need to spend all of this money on his family when they never seem to reciprocate?
From the post, it seems like neither of them gave you a wedding gift. Doesn’t it bother him that so much is spent on his mother (and his sister, because she picks the gifts and contributes nothing), but when it comes to the two of you, they aren’t willing to give a little back?
This needs to stop now (though I know you already know that). If this doesn’t stop now, it’s never going to stop.
There are always posts that talk about parents who have one child who is the “favorite” and treated better by the in-laws. As the kids get older, they notice the favoritism and wonder what they’ve done wrong or why their grandparents don’t love them.
My worry in your case is that when your child gets old enough, they’re going to pick up on all the money being spent on Grandma and wonder why their dad doesn’t love them as much. I understand that may seem like a bit of a stretch, but with the way things are going, it’s not outside the realm of possibilities.” Icy_Cardiologist8444
1. AITJ For Refusing A Woman's Christmas Spirit Excuse To Cut In Line?
“Tonight after work I stopped by my local grocery store to grab a handful of items to make dinner.
5 items in total. I maneuvered my cart behind an older woman who was slowly navigating putting her groceries on the belt to be checked out. She was the only person I noticed in front of me.
A few minutes later another woman tries to edge her way in line in front of my cart.
I gave her a quizzical look and she said “Oh, I was here before, but I went to go and see if the other line over there was moving faster.”
I said, “Okay, but you weren’t here when I arrived soooo (shrug).”
The woman proceeded to inform me that she was here first and that she should be let back in because she only stepped away to see if the other line was faster.
I replied that I did not see her here before I joined the line, so she could get behind me or go back to the other line.
At this point, she showed me that she only had a few things and was shocked that I wasn’t going to let her back in (she had 4 packs of jello).
I pointed out that I too only had a few things and I wasn’t going to move because I did not see her in the line in front of me when I joined.
Now this is where I may be the jerk. At this point, we’re both getting frustrated in this grocery store arguing match for pole position.
She says “So you’re not going to let me back in? Where’s your Christmas spirit?” I’d had enough of her entitlement at this point and I shot back “Don’t pull that crap.”
Honestly, if I had been behind her in line, I would have happily held her place if she had asked. But she wasn’t there when I arrived and she just assumed she could cut back in line after a few minutes.
Using Christmas Spirit as a means to get what she wanted was the last straw for me.
In the end, she glared at me and said “I hope you have a Merry Christmas,” her voice dripping with sarcasm. And she left to go back over to another cashier.
The irony is, we both left the store with our items at the same time.
Am I the jerk for not letting this woman cut in front of me and calling her out when she tried to use “Christmas Spirit” to get her way?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I was 8 months pregnant buying milk for my other kids at Target because it was near my house and I was too tired to go to the good grocery store. This lady with a preteen and 55 things in her cart was like “um I need to cut, please.
I have an unhappy child with me.” My grumpy mouth shot off “well, lady, I have an unhappy child in me, so back off unless you want my foot in you.” I am not usually rude like that but she just rubbed me the wrong freaking way.” BagelwithQueefcheese
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m so glad I read your post. I’m British. We actually invented queuing (that might not really be true but we are famous for it). There are rules. The first rule is that if you have a full trolley and someone has 2 items, you invite them to move ahead of you in the queue.
If you have a similar number of items then this doesn’t apply. The second rule is that you thank the person who allowed you to go ahead of them and say goodbye to each other as if you have been friends for 12+ years. Third rule.
If you leave the queue you start again. The only exception to this rule is if you leave your trolley or basket in the queue and tell the person behind you that you forgot to collect an item. You have to also tell them EXACTLY what that item is.
For example, an 800g Warburtons Toastie loaf. Don’t return with a medium-sliced loaf. It has to be the Toastie loaf. Fourth rule. At some point, another checkout will be opened whilst you are queuing and utter carnage will commence. Someone behind you in the queue will run to the new checkout instead of following the rules.
This is when we British people mutter to each other about how rude some people are. But we stay in our queue. Because we know that there is going to be a 5-minute gap between the announcement that the checkout is opening and the actual cashier arriving.” chez2202
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You get out of line, you lose your place. Your response was a bit sharper than I would have done. I like to take one of two approaches in this case. Either kill them with kindness (while still not giving them what they want) or, my favorite, ask them a bunch of questions that make it clear they are being unreasonable.
My local grocery store went to a single-line format in 2020. Everyone waits in the same line, and there is a video sign that says ‘proceed to register number X!’ when it opens up. They kept it that way after because we customers all liked it.
A couple of weeks ago, I was waiting in that single line. It was busy, so there were 10ish people in line. There is a little tape mark on the floor that marks the waiting spot at the front of the line. I was finally first, but since I was only 3 steps behind the tape line, I was tired and didn’t want to pick up my basket again, I just waited for the next announcement 3 steps behind the tape line.
Guy behind me (with his SO) was fidgeting and then demanded that I step up all the way to the tape (in case I have not described this situation adequately, how close I was standing to that tape line had absolutely no bearing on when his turn would come, since it would be after mine and I would have moved completely out of his way).
I turned around and asked him: “you want me to take 3 steps forward?” (Him: yes!). Me: Do you feel like that will get you to your register faster? (Him: glared at me). Me, turned back around and took one step forward, then over my shoulder “did that make you feel better?” (at which point his SO intervened and told him to relax).” Demotage1
