People Have Showdowns In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Taking My Kids To Their Father's Funeral Even When His Family Said No?
“My ex-husband passed away last week in a car accident, very unexpectedly. The troopers came to my house (I’m his emergency contact) to break the news. The first person I called was his father, and he flew out the next day with my ex’s sister.
Before he flew out, he asked me where we should have the service, in Texas (where we live) or back in Maryland, where our families and friends all still live.
I told him I felt like the service needed to be in Maryland because that was where everyone was, and P (my ex’s father) agreed. He let me know the funeral home said they might be able to do a small viewing with just family, and I agreed to do that as long as I felt like he was in a condition he’d be okay with.
I met my ex’s sister and his dad at the funeral home to go over the paperwork and plan the viewing. He told me all the details for the funeral back home, and we talked a bit about where my ex worked, his day-to-day life, his home, and the probate process.
His father was taking care of the probate process and seemed defensive about some of his belongings. I really felt like focusing on my children was more important than arguing over small things in the home… All of that could wait, so I backed off from helping with cleaning out his home and handed all of his insurance paperwork and other information I had that would be useful to them, like contacts at his work and his electric login.
We had the viewing; both of our children said goodbye to their dad, and it was very emotional. At the viewing, I mentioned that a friend had paid for our tickets to fly home as I was quickly realizing how much everything was going to cost, and I suddenly was without the financial help of their dad.
I was extremely thankful for their generosity.
After the viewing, I didn’t hear anything from his sister or dad. They didn’t ask to see the kids or let me know what was going on with the process, and I was actively trying to navigate the life insurance process while grieving my ex and helping my children with their feelings.
The last few days have been a blur of crying and anger for all of us. We are so heartbroken to have lost him.
My ex’s sister and father flew out on Friday, and around noon, I got a call from his father telling me we were not welcome at the funeral and that my children and I would be a distraction to his (my ex’s father) family’s grieving.
I’m shocked and hurt. I told him I had never heard anything so hateful, and the conversation was over.
My ex’s father and sister have never visited Texas; we’ve lived here for 4 years. They were not close and had no idea where he worked or even any recent photos of him.
We were divorced but still good friends, and my ex was a devoted father. His children were his world.
AITJ for not listening to his father and still taking them? The funeral is open to anyone. I can’t imagine us being there among hundreds of other people will really be a problem.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but ex-fil is. Do what you think will be best for the kids. Order copies of the death certificate right now. Contact Social Security for survivor’s benefits for the children immediately, assuming they are under 18 or still in high school. Contact his work and see if your kids are the beneficiaries on any insurance or retirement plan.
Check with the register of wills in his county to find if he had a will on file. If ex-fil is being weird and freezing you out, this is why. If you and the kids don’t show up, he thinks it will provide cover for not sharing with the children.
Good luck, and I’m sorry for your loss and very sorry for the kids’ loss.” AnnoyedRedheadedMom
Another User Comments:
“Something is fishy here. I get the feeling that your ex’s family is making a land grab. Unless his will states otherwise, your children should be your ex’s heirs.
I can’t imagine not allowing them (and you) at his funeral. That is an abomination! Funeral services are typically posted in the paper and online, so quite literally, anyone can go. I’d try to attend the funeral if it were me. Not attending will be used as ammunition against you, I suspect: “Susan and the kids didn’t give a crap about Dan!
They cared so little they didn’t even come to his funeral. Why should they inherit anything?” If you haven’t already, contact the executor or an attorney because this is about to get ugly. Try to conduct all convo over text or recorded phone calls because they will be denying convos ever happened. I’d be willing to put money on it.
NTJ.” mumtaz2004
21. AITJ For Fact Checking My Partner On The Cancelled Internet Program?
“My partner has been talking over and over about the ACP (affordable connectivity program) for Internet maybe once a month for probably a year after a coworker told him about it. The problem is, it was canceled by the government early last year. I know because I was in the program!
I’ve told him this every time he’s brought it up, starting out gentle and with something like “maybe you should look up options; I’m sure there’s something.” And then it repeats.
Last night, I told him he should message a friend with my phone that he’ll be late because his phone was off and she’ll think he ditched her.
He says, “Noooo, I would never ditch her, she knows that!” (He’s literally slept through a dinner we were supposed to have before he left the state, so I didn’t believe him, to be honest).
He gets home, his internet connects to his phone, and boom, a flood of messages; I was right.
Now, I might be the jerk because I said “I told you so and I’m not even ashamed to say that because I always say things like this and you never listen. Poor (friend’s name). That sucks.”
He didn’t seem bothered; he kind of half-joked it off.
We kept talking and he brought up the ACP again. I honestly feel gaslit at this point, especially because he says “I really need to sign up for that and I think you qualify.”
I very frustratedly told him pretty much what I had typed. I had told him about this like five times before, that I was on it, the internet company barely wanted to follow it anyway, and that the program was canceled. Ladies and gentlemen, he brushed me off.
So I got frustrated, googled it, and read him the Wikipedia article. “The ACP program ran out of funding in April 2024, etc. yada yada…”
He basically broke down and said “So I’m just screwed?!?”
I said I tried to tell you this before and you didn’t listen to me.
During the rest of the phone call, he kept saying “What?” It felt like every time I talked, I got frustrated and hung up since he said he was about to go to bed anyway. Definitely a jerk move. He won’t respond this morning.
So I’m the jerk for the end I think, but was there a better way to handle the rest?”
Another User Comments:
“I never think hanging up on someone is a good move, but I sympathize with how frustrated he made you. You constantly repeated the same information and somehow, he never heard you. This is probably a long shot, but could he possibly have a mental problem?
I have known someone whose mental capacity just did not let them retain info. I kept going around in circles answering the same questions over and over, each time as if it were the first time. This person had a college degree. But after a while, I learned that he just couldn’t retain information.” bbbmine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for many reasons. You are well within your right to educate someone when they ask you a question, ignore you, and disagree with you without evidence. You brought receipts and he didn’t apologize; he immediately made it about him. I’m not going to question y’all’s relationship and suggest you move on.
I don’t know your situation and he may be a lovable idiot that makes you happy 99% of the time. Mint Mobile, Cricket, Metro PCS are $10-20 per month. You can add wifi tethering for another $10 or so. He can donate plasma once a month or mow someone’s lawn.
If he is disabled, there are programs (well, who knows in a week or so) to help pay for necessary expenses. But if he is healthy… C’mon man, pay your phone bill lol.” Jagasaur
Another User Comments:
“Not sure who would return to the comments to see this, but yes, my previous post is still a problem.
I had my birthday party recently and he actually said he ‘might not make it because his mom’s coming to town that weekend’. NGL, it hurt with him even just saying that, but he did make it to the party and followed up with friends to make sure they were coming.
I will talk with him soon. We have a date planned this weekend. I appreciate everyone dragging me back to earth; it might be obvious I’ve been in abusive situations in the past. My therapist also recently completely jumped career paths, and my anxiety medication was out of stock for a few days there.
If things don’t work, I’m hoping I can get the courage to jump ship. I’ve put in enough effort by now and I’m in a good position with graduating college soon (2-year vocational program) and I’ve started in my field part-time. I promised my therapist I’d recognize when I deserve better.” throwawaycat3000
20. AITJ For Leaving My Sister's Baby Shower Over Racist Comments?
“I (Jenna) went to my older sister’s (Lauren) baby shower.
Over the years, we’ve been pretty close, but she does tend to make things about herself a lot. Nonetheless, after she opened the gifts, she talked and made some offensive, off-color comments and stereotypes. She used the word “thugs” multiple times and made comments that can be seen as racist. She talked about how at her job, they don’t hire people like that.
No one really seemed to mind, and while the comments weren’t directed at me, I didn’t think it was appropriate.
I told Lauren that I didn’t feel comfortable and decided to leave the party early. She got really upset, telling me that she can say what she wants and couldn’t believe her sister was going to leave over something so ridiculous.
I left, and she’s been mad at me ever since. We really haven’t spoken much since then. AITJ for leaving my own sister’s party early?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If sis has the right to say what she wants, you have the right to be offended and either stand up to offensive, off-color statements or leave the area.
However, I do question why your sister’s baby shower, y’know, the one that’s about her and the baby she’s growing, should be other than, “she does tend to make things about herself a lot” – is that not what a baby shower is, to make the mother the center of attention?” CheeseMakingMom
Another User Comments:
“Without knowing what was said, it is hard to rate if it was an overreaction or not. I think that if you jumped right to ‘I don’t feel welcome and I am leaving’ without giving her a chance to provide context or assuage your fears, one might think you were being a bit of a jerk.
Your sister deserves more than that. But if you explained what made you feel uncomfortable, she blew it off and you then said you were leaving, NTJ. I have to wonder if you actually felt unwelcome or if you simply didn’t want to be there if they were going to be saying things like they were.
It may seem like a trivial distinction, but with one you disapprove of your sister’s behavior; the other insults her as an older sister/host, etc. If she felt attacked on those fronts, I could see her digging in even further with her attitude whether she agreed it was appropriate or not.” OkraEither2528
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, OP has every right to leave any uncomfortable situation. That being said, the sister also has every right to respond negatively to her sister leaving early. This is one of those situations in which you can’t really police the reactions to your behaviour.
It’s a hard call because right now, so much rhetoric is growing around racism, and if you live in the US, allowing or ignoring minor racist comments feels a lot more impactful than it did twenty years ago. Not suggesting that allowing a comment to go in the past was the right thing, but now I feel it holds a different weight.” Beautiful-Party-4415
19. AITJ For Demanding A Repayment Plan From My Friend Who Spends Irresponsibly?
“I have had a friend, let’s call her Sarah, for about 9-ish years now.
She has always been one to skip out on pitching in for food, has a long history of borrowing money, and is always in a money crisis.
However, this same friend frequently spends at least $50 on Temu every paycheck, buys $50 worth of stuff at Dollar Tree, refuses to apply for assistance or go to food banks to supplement groceries, and states that she is just so poor and doesn’t make enough money to live and enjoy life.
She doesn’t make much, but she also refuses to cut down on unnecessary spending.
Sarah owes me $194 and my other friend around $100, I would estimate. She has owed me since August of last year and my friend since July of last year. Sarah has made absolutely no effort to repay us—not even $10 here or there.
She hasn’t cut down on spending at Temu. She keeps saying, “I don’t have money, I’ll pay you back when I can!”
Today, I kind of lost it. I told Sarah that she needs to make a plan to pay us back, even if it is just $10 a paycheck, or that I will start charging her interest. She is acting like I am the biggest jerk and that she can “barely afford soap” and that changing her interest is “insane.”
So, AITJ for telling Sarah she needs to come up with a plan to pay me and my friend back or I will start charging her interest?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but the point that you need to press is that no, it is NOT insane.
Because she has had the money. But she spends it on other stuff. The problem isn’t that she can’t afford soap. The point is that she can’t afford THE OTHER STUFF. And because you are the one who has loaned her the money for soap, when she spends it on the other stuff, she is effectively creating a situation where you are loaning her money to pay for the other stuff.
The point that you are making is that this is not and has never been an open-ended loan. And you are not saying that you are going to start charging her interest immediately. You are saying that you are going to do it unless she creates a realistic plan for paying you back and STICKS TO IT.
And the next time she has a money crisis, the Bank of You is closed because she does not have a reliable repayment history.” animaniactoo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have a friend who sounds a lot like Sara, and I had to learn the hard way that whatever money I give them is money I’ll never see again.
With a mindset like that, she will NEVER pay you back; the cycle of being “broke” and spending on Temu will just continue until she’s forced to change her habits. The more money you give her, the longer you enable that lifestyle and the more money you’re gonna lose.
At this point, I’d just write off what you’ve already given as a gift and not give her another cent from now on.” Far_Quantity_6133
Another User Comments:
“OK, so you know that Sarah is irresponsible with money. You know that she has zero financial discipline.
You know that she refused to take steps to improve her financial situation. You know that she borrows (e.g. takes) money from friends with no intention of paying it back. And yet you let her borrow a whole bunch of money from you and you expect her to make a plan to responsibly pay you back?
Sorry, but open your eyes OP! This isn’t going to happen. Sarah is who she is. If you want to be friends with someone like this, go right ahead. But if you want to see your money ever again, stop lending it to her. Completely.
Right now. NTJ in terms of wanting your money back, but ridiculously unrealistic in thinking that telling Sarah what a responsible, mature adult would do is going to turn her into a responsible, mature adult.” Nester1953
18. AITJ For Accepting A Mortgage Gift And Investing The Money Without My Wife's Consent?
“During the holidays, a close relative of mine graciously offered to pay off our mortgage after a business deal resulted in generational wealth. They had been wealthy before this business deal but now are extremely wealthy.
My wife is not comfortable accepting the money. Her stance is that she has always worked for everything and has never been handed anything. I admire her drive and want to respect her wishes, but this is a lot of money.
We are comfortable financially, but this would obviously allow us to save money each month.
Our mortgage has about $250k remaining at 6% interest. Both my wife and I contribute a portion of our paycheck to pay for expenses, but I handle most of the finances. My salary is about three times hers.
WIBTJ if I accept the gift without telling my wife, and transfer each month’s “mortgage” payment into our brokerage account?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m preparing to get downvoted, and yes, I am divorced. I don’t care. First, you should have a candid talk with your wife about it and try to get her to understand how life-changing this would be. Tell her that they are gifting you the money one way or another.
It could either go into a trust or toward the mortgage, but you would prefer to have it pay off the mortgage. If she still firmly says no, either take the money and put it in a trust (if they will allow you to) or pay off 75% of the mortgage, since you make three times more, and let her take care of the rest. A 6% interest rate is an absolutely ridiculous thing to try to hold onto.
I made a lot of regrettable financial decisions trying to appease my husband, whom I ended up leaving anyway. You would be dumb not to take this No jerks here gift because you would be investing it back into your brokerage account, and because she’s being insane.” RubAggressive3520
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. I get it, and I 100% think you should take the money, but first, have a long talk with your wife. You need to find out what the underlying reason for her reluctance is. Does she fear that this gift will come with strings?
Does it? Be honest about your feelings without making her feel attacked. Give her a safe space to explain why she has to “work for everything.” Paying off your mortgage would enable you to put more money aside for retirement and give you financial freedom most people only dream of in their 30s.
However, if you do it behind her back, you will have done it at a much higher cost.” Mysterious_Peas
Another User Comments:
“Anyone else wonder about the wife? How entitled is she that she gets to actually have such a ridiculous opinion. His salary is 3X hers, and they are comfortable.
It is pretty easy for her to say that. Reverse the roles, and no doubt her opinion would change. No matter how much she says it wouldn’t. We all have our own principles we stand on, but a paid-off mortgage when you’re already making good money at 34 is a no-brainer.
Maybe try this: Let cousin Jerri pay off the mortgage, then take out a line of credit for whatever amount will generate the payment she wants to pay herself. You guys take the difference and put it either toward an awesome second home or a couple of investment properties.
Then she’s paying for those and can be proud of herself. That might make her feel better. And once the mortgage is paid off, it’s paid off, so if cousin Jerry decides to be a jerk about it afterward, just cut his butt off.
You’ve got a cool beach house that you rent out for income and visit yourselves six weeks a year. And then you have a whole bunch of cool crap to leave to your kids. That 250K is about a lot more than pride. It’s opportunity.
And if you’re well off, then yes, you can do all of this in 10 years. But imagine retiring at 55. Crap, tell her to call me. I’ll sell it for you, lol.” Lopsided-Growth-8560
17. AITJ For Cutting Off My Sister's Netflix Because She Refused To Do Chores?
“I, 20F, am in college right now and am studying while doing part-time jobs as well to help pay the bills and my education. I always dreamed of having a cable subscription to watch the shows that my classmates or peers talk about, but having cable before was a luxury.
So when I got a job, I decided that I would subscribe to Netflix individually and connect it to our TV and my phone so that I could watch. My sister found out about it and said she wanted to watch as well, so I let her because I understood she wanted to watch things that she had seen on TikTok, you know, those clips and snippets.
Here comes the problem: Since this is an individual account, I will not be able to use it if she is using it, and she is not cleaning the house, leaving me with all the house chores because of it. I told her plenty of times to wash the dishes, fold the clothes, and clean the house—at least mop it.
She did nothing of those things, and I got so mad; I told her to do things, and she started yelling and telling me things like I am not doing house chores (I do them, I always do).
For additional context, the day before our fight, I came home from school feeling unwell, so I was not able to clean the house—I only cleaned the bathroom and mopped the floor.
I told her that when I came home from school, the house was a mess and I needed to clean it, and I was not able to finish because of a headache. She brought this up during the fight, and fortunately, my older sister put her in her place.
I decided I would not talk to her anymore, and I changed our Netflix password so she would not be able to watch. I pay for the subscription, and ever since I connected Netflix to our TV, I have not been able to watch my favorite TV shows because she does not watch them.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You could have cancelled it when you first realized that your tastes were so different and you weren’t getting to use a service you were paying for as much as you had planned. It’s not even particularly petty to cut Netflix because she’s refusing to do her share of the chores.
Tell her if she hasn’t got time to do her share of the work, she hasn’t got time to watch Netflix. Not talking to her at all is not a particularly useful tactic.” SavingsRhubarb8746
Another User Comments:
“Are you and your sister living together as roommates?
Is she coming over and making a mess? Or do you still live with your parents, and you decided to pick up a streaming account and she invades and takes over your space to watch on your TV? Not that it makes any difference on the verdict.
The post just raised those questions for me. NTJ.” LeviathanLorb44
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You alone are paying for your Netflix account. You are doing a LOT of housework for the entire family. Your younger sister doesn’t want to do housework, doesn’t want to pay for Netflix, but wants to use it.
Change the password and don’t let your sister have it.” ElmLane62
16. AITJ For Demanding That Our Arguments Stay Just Between Us?
“When I (F50) argue with my husband (M50), he immediately says, “(other person’s name), do you think I’m wrong?” He might say Mom or his sister or his friend or my friend, it doesn’t matter, he immediately seeks backup.
I wholeheartedly believe that a couple’s disagreements are between the two people, them.
I have said to my husband, “I don’t need anyone to back me up when I’m expressing myself, whether I’m right or not.” I’ve asked him to stop pulling people into our business.
I’ve told him that it isn’t fair to the third-party individuals to put them on the spot, and it’s immature behavior.
As soon as he exhibits this behavior, my anger triples, and I feel like the purpose of our disagreement never gets addressed because now we are arguing about his inability to just handle himself, errrrggg… I cannot stand it.
Now, if something occurs, I will immediately say, “And don’t start looking around for somebody to save you either,” which is not my proudest moment.
Just tell me if it is normal, regular, common, acceptable or whatever. I just cannot stand it.”
Another User Comments:
“The full dynamic of these conflicts isn’t disclosed, but soft NTJ based on available info. This behavior is called triangulation, and it is a form of manipulation/abuse. Your husband is an adult, and surely has the ability to recognize that interpersonal conflict isn’t generally about who is “right” and who is “wrong.” Devolving into that dyadic thinking is counter-productive and only fosters more resentment.
Approaching conflict in a unified mindset – you and I vs. The Problem – encourages win-win thinking. It is possible that your husband’s use of triangulation is an avoidance technique – he knows you’ll get mad about the third-party inclusion and thus the original conflict is passed over in favor of you now “acting crazy” in front of the summoned third party.
This may be his way of avoiding accountability for behaviors he is already ashamed of and looking for ways to assuage his own shame rather than facing the consequences of the actions themselves.” lady-ish
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re correct, IMO. People should definitely not drag outsiders into family disputes, especially if there’s literally no reason to.
You guys don’t fight constantly, nor do you have a toxic relationship from what you told me, so it’s just… him being petty and wanting to win, no matter who knows your business. I’m glad it’s so rare, though. INFO: Do you argue with him constantly, and do you call him stupid when he disagrees with you/belittle his viewpoints?
I’ll accept your answer as truth, regardless of what it is, and then pass judgment.” CmdrHoratioNovastar
Another User Comments:
“INFO: What types of fights are these that you’re having in public? If my husband and I are “arguing” about whether pineapples belong on pizza, I think it’s totally fine to pull in other people.
If we’re debating whether or not to go to Costco after work or go on the weekend, I don’t need anyone else weighing in, thanks. If we’re arguing about whether or not to have a third kid, then we’re both jerks for having that fight in front of an audience.
And the audience is a jerk for chiming in, even when asked.” Gloomy_Ruminant
15. AITJ For Denying My Daughter A Holiday With My Manipulative SIL And MIL?
“We like to do a few short trips during school holidays instead of a big vacation once a year. SIL and MIL tagged along once on such a trip (1 week, sunny destination, 2-hour flight).
My sister-in-law is now mad because we booked a new trip without her, and according to her, she also needs a vacation, and we knew that.
The problem is, going on vacation together was fun, but more difficult than when I go on vacation with just my wife and daughter (3f).
They do not take into account the fact that a child is on vacation with us. We arrange everything in terms of accommodation and activities so that we as parents have a nice vacation, but it is also fun for our daughter. Some extra planning and a certain structure in advance makes for an easier vacation with a child.
First, SIL tried to manipulate or guilt-trip our daughter to be allowed to go on vacation with us. “Why can’t I go on holiday with you?”, “Auntie would also like to fly again”, “Auntie thinks it’s sad that she can’t go with you” are just a few comments that I heard her say to our daughter.
I explicitly told her that she shouldn’t do that to a child and that it is also very hurtful for us and her.
SIL’s next idea blew me away: she suggested to a 3-year-old to go on holiday with her and the grandmother (SIL and MIL) without us.
Who tells or suggests something like that to a child? I hate being cornered like that. As parents, we have to disappoint our child because SIL doesn’t have the sense to keep her mouth shut.
Those people are also not suited to go on holiday alone with a child because they only think of themselves.
Last time (daughter was 2), they were already nagging about the following things: they didn’t want to go to lunch at 12:00 because they weren’t hungry, didn’t listen to the fact that daughter was hungry, complained because we didn’t want to go to an evening market at 20:00 while we were already putting our daughter to bed, and didn’t want to play in the pool because splashing water was too cold.
Etc.
They claim that we as parents would then also have a week of rest, but I think the opposite would be true. We would be exhausted from the stress for a week and wouldn’t sleep.
I don’t like that idea; my wife doesn’t like that idea, but my SIL and MIL are making us feel guilty to do it anyway.
I don’t know what to say anymore. AITJ not to let our daughter go?”
Another User Comments:
“TELL SIL TO TAKE HER BROOM AND FLY ANYWHERE SHE DESIRES! You might also explain to her that you WILL keep YOUR DAUGHTER away from ANYONE that insists on putting wild notions in her head, such as going WITHOUT MOM AND DAD!
Your daughter can’t completely communicate her wants and needs in a way to impress upon SIL and MIL what she expects from you. You know her meal times and nap and bed times; they have shown you they don’t CARE. Tell them maybe when she turns 18, but not to bring it up with your daughter unless they want you to go no contact.
NTJ.” Greedy_Literature_54
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You and your wife need to make a firm statement that their blatant attempts at manipulation are completely unacceptable and psychologically dangerous to your daughter’s developing mind, and that if they repeat this behaviour, the visits will end.
The second they start using manipulative language designed to make any of you feel guilty, you leave at once or hang up the phone. The only way they will learn not to do it is if there are immediate consequences which also protect your daughter.” Cursd818
Another User Comments:
“This level of attempted underhanded manipulation of a TODDLER is just insane. I would be very, very cautious of leaving your daughter alone with your SIL and MIL, honestly, OP. I may be jumping to conclusions, but people who are willing to stoop so low, in my opinion, do not have morals you can absolutely trust. And your daughter for many more years will be too vulnerable to push back against anything steamrolling they might do.
It will probably be very painful for you and your wife to hear, and I am sorry you have to deal with this ridiculousness. Glad you are standing firm. NTJ.” busyshrew
14. AITJ For Refusing The Job My Parents Secretly Set Up For Me?
“I am 17 years old, and I have worked since I was 13.
My parents (White mother, Asian father) have always been very difficult when it comes to work – “earning money is everything and you should sacrifice happiness for it.” I was working in a takeaway when I was 13 and stayed for about 4 years, despite the fact I always told my parents I hated it there and every shift was a nightmare; they forced me to work.
I recently had a temporary job for the Christmas holiday and it was much better, but I really want to just relax and focus on school. Now it’s over, my parents are constantly going at me telling me I “need to work” and I partly agree, and I said I will keep looking for a decent job.
Anyways, now they have just messaged me saying they have got me a job at this other restaurant. My issue is that they have asked me about this place before and I specifically said NO. It is an Indian restaurant and I’m not comfortable working there due to the staff (I know some of the guys and I’ve already had issues with them at school).
The pay is decent, however, I am extremely uncomfortable working there and I really do not want to go, so I told them I’m not doing it.
They are both mad at me, calling me “lazy” and saying that now I’m going to disappoint the boss.
I told them how I feel, but they seriously couldn’t care less. Am I overreacting, or was the going behind my back and applying me for a job despite my constant “no” a problem?”
Another User Comments:
“Tell me your parents do not care about you or your concerns without saying it outright.
I’m sorry. You deserve better treatment and two parents who want what is best for you. This idea that belittling you for protecting yourself makes them jerks. Try to save as much money as possible, do remember your value and move out when you can not tolerate the emotional abuse any longer.” Spiritual-Concert363
Another User Comments:
“Is it even legal for your parents to apply for the job on your behalf? NTJ. You did not apply for this job. I’m not sure what you meant by “issues” with these guys at school, but for the love of all things good, it doesn’t make sense to put yourself in that position.
As a parent, I understand wanting to guide my child into shaping a solid work ethic. Perhaps showing them how you are taking the job search seriously might help? Are there any employment centers near you? Have you updated your resume? Brushed up on interview skills?
Taken any certifications towards a job you would like? (Such as first aid or a lifeguard course?). Would your parents consider a volunteer opportunity? Maybe let them know that the volunteer work could help you get into your post-secondary program or field of choice? I am hoping an open discussion with your parents would help.” woodstockchitter
Another User Comments:
“I started working at 12. 80+ hours per week either school/work or two jobs or one job. I didn’t stop until 2017 at the age of 47. Why did I finally stop? Because my body finally couldn’t do it anymore. I’ve had 9 surgeries since then.
6 were. If you can focus on the happy. Screw working yourself into an early grave. NTJ and your parents need to be better parents.” Tinawebmom
13. AITJ For Secretly Creating An Alternate Character And Gaming Without My Partner?
“When my partner and I met, we both realized we liked playing the same game. We agreed to play together since it’s an MMORPG and we don’t want to outlevel each other.
My partner slowly lost interest in playing, but I never did.
I would ask him if he wanted to play, and more and more he would say no.
(More backstory: I’ve been playing this game since I was basically a kid, and I guess it’s a “comfort” game for me.)
So, eventually I just… started playing without him.
I made a new character so that “our” characters would still be the same, and just played. I didn’t tell him that I did this because most of the time when I did he would be away at school or work.
When he found out, he was pretty upset at me.
I don’t exactly remember the reasons he gave. He told me “if you really want to play just tell me and I will.”
Well, I did that – and he still didn’t feel like playing. So I just started playing my other characters in secret (hiding offline, etc).
I still keep the characters I play with him untouched; I just play the alternate characters I made.
I definitely feel guilty about it. My partner struggles with mental health issues and with trusting me (because I was playing “behind his back” before), so I don’t really blame him for it.
But at the same time, I really just want to relax by playing my favorite game.
I hope this made sense. I’d really like to hear from people who might also struggle with trust issues on this because I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but some advice. I’ll go ahead and start with: If this is the only thing your relationship has trust issues about, then good for you! You seem to be in a relatively good relationship. Most people struggle with much more serious matters, not that I’m trying to discredit you or your feelings at all on the subject.
Moving on from that, I think that communication is what’s most important, especially with people who have mental illnesses. Myself, being someone who struggles with Autism, Asperger’s, and ADHD, I would want my partner to let me know that they really want to keep playing the game, and that I hadn’t felt like they wanted to play too.
I’d want my partner to bring up the fact that I don’t seem interested in playing when they’ve asked in the past. (Sometimes, I don’t realize my reactions to things come off a certain way, such as seeming apathetic to something, even if that’s not really the case.
Your partner might be similar in that aspect.)
I think reaching a consensus on “Do you really want to play this with me, because I’m not burnt out on it, and want to continue playing it.” is important. It could very well be that your partner just wants to spend time with you or find a game you both like, but has been feeling burnt out on that certain one.
I don’t think you’re the jerk for playing it behind his back, and I think people in relationships should be able to play whatever video games they want, either apart or separate. But then again, communication is important. I might suggest that you offer to find another game to play with your partner, if he still doesn’t seem interested in playing that one, while you continue to play the game you like on your own time.
Hope this helped!” CryoPulsar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stop feeling guilty. He doesn’t want to play – he doesn’t get to hamstring your comfort hobby to… what? Like in what way would forcing you not to play do anything for him? Is it control? Is he getting FOMO for a game he doesn’t even want to play?
You can absolutely “blame him” – you were playing a freaking video game. Unless you’re emotionally two-timing him in there with other people (is THAT what he’s worried about??), it’s just a video game. He has no claim over your choice of hobby/leisure. His trust issues are his to manage, and you should not be thinking it’s normal to have this take over your life, stop you from doing a totally normal thing that you enjoy.
If he cannot cope with you playing a video game he doesn’t even want to play without him, then he needs to get some help on that. Like darn. I played WoW after my husband burnt out on it. It didn’t mean I was doing it “behind his back.”” CarbonationRequired
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and funny enough, I’ve sort of been in your partner’s position? Not exact but similar. For background, my partner and I met when I was both working part-time and a full-time student, and he’s disabled and lives on SSDI and more or less acts as my house husband.
Living on a part-time minimum wage plus SSDI is not a lot, so it’s not like we had a ton of disposable income to have fun with. The one thing we could do was enjoy shows/movies together, so I’d download them with the intention of us watching them together.
Well, I got upset to discover basically every time I was out of the house, he was watching these shows/movies without me. I got those for us to enjoy together! It’s not fun if he’s already seen them! This came up a bunch of times before he finally laid it out for me.
He’s bored at home. It’s not fair of me to expect him to do chores and just sit there quietly all day long. He needs something to entertain him and that hard drive full of media is there just for that. All it took was open communication and I wasn’t upset anymore.
I can find things for us to do together or even just politely ask that he set aside one or two movies for us to enjoy together. And we’re still together today. I genuinely wish you and your partner the best.” smoking-banana-peels
12. AITJ For Holding My Brother Accountable For His Kids' Crayon-Caused Car Damage?
“I went to my brother’s house yesterday to visit his 3 kids and pregnant wife. He was not home.
The children are rowdy, but I try to treat them as nicely as I can, which is hard. They don’t get out much, except to go to school, so I told them to pick something to make, and we will go to the store to get the ingredients.
They chose candied grapes.
Every time I take them to the store, I have to preface our visit with rules about what not to do in the store. No running, no asking for anything that’s not on the list, no playing, and no wandering off.
As soon as we got in the store, I put the youngest (4) in the cart, and the oldest (12) promised that she could push the cart with no issues, so I let her. The middle child (11) immediately began asking for stuff and tried to wander off.
The oldest kept crashing into things and knocking them over, and the youngest was screaming at the top of his lungs. We checked out, and the cashier gave the youngest a coloring sheet and some crayons. We walked to the car, and I watched all of them get in the car.
When we got back to the house, I helped the youngest out of the car and realized that either he or the middle child had colored all over my car seats. I asked the youngest if he did it, and he said no, and I told him I thought he did, and he kicked me.
I took them inside and told my sister-in-law (who was sitting in the garage smoking a Black & Mild) what happened. She did nothing.
The next day, I went to the car wash and discovered crayon marks all over the rear passenger side door that the kids had been using to get in and out the day before.
Yellow and blue crayon marks were all over the door. The crayon marks had been pressed in so hard on the door that there were scratches underneath, and I couldn’t get the crayon marks or scratches off.
I took pics and sent them to my brother and his wife, telling them that they needed to pay for this and that his kids had no home training.
I told him that they don’t watch them and just sit in the garage smoking and drinking all day while the kids run wild. I told them how I’m always trying to do something nice for the children, and they never respect me or my stuff.
My brother told me it was probably an accident and was very defensive. I took my car to get repaired, which cost $300, and told him to pay it. He said, “Kids are kids,” and stated that if it bothers me so much, I don’t need to do anything for them.
I told him he needed to take accountability, and he said, “Just don’t do anything for them.” Once he sent the money, I hung up on him. I wish I could show you all the outside of the door.
AITJ for being upset with him and his wife for being bad parents and telling him his kids have no home training?”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ for expecting your brother to pay and your assessment of these children is accurate. They are far too old to be acting like that, including the preschooler. That said, you are choosing to take these children out into the world when you know they are half feral. If this incident hasn’t ended your relationship with your brother, be sure to only spend time with them in their own home.
And if the situation in the home is too hard to be around, just stop it entirely.” EmceeSuzy
Another User Comments:
“ESH – you didn’t handle the children well, although admittedly, they seem to never have been taught basic manners by their parents. Your main mistake was in having rules without consequences.
You told them how you wanted them to behave in the store. The first time the middle one asked for stuff, or the oldest ran the cart into something, you should have said ‘Back to the car, NOW. If you can’t behave, there will be no candied grapes’ and gotten them out of the store, into the car, and dumped with their parents, however big a tantrum they threw.
Then if you ever decide to take them out again, they might listen to your rules. If they don’t, back home they go. If you’re not experienced with children, you might not realize that crayons can be a problem – but on the other hand, these are very undisciplined children, so you might have suspected that they might damage things with them, and confiscated the crayons until you got to their house.
I’m not saying you’re the jerk for being angry with your brother or his wife or even the children. Your brother and his wife seem to be raising a pack of hooligans, but your brother did suggest punishment (that you not take the children out again) and paid for the damage they did.
I think maybe you need a bit more experience in setting and enforcing the rules for their behaviour when they’re with you.” SavingsRhubarb8746
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had a similar issue with my friend’s kid who spitefully poured hot pink nail polish over literally everything in our spare room.
As someone who really dislikes confrontation and demanding money from a struggling single mother, I haven’t asked for payment, nor have I gotten a quote for removing it from the carpet… Likely replacement cost. That’ll be a few hundred when I need to. If it were my family member’s child, I would tell them to pay me back $20/wk or something if they can’t pay outright.
But they better darn well pay.” LolEase86
11. AITJ For Refusing To Work On My Partner's House Every Night?
“My partner’s aunt passed away about two weeks into our relationship. Two months later, she put in an offer on the house. Her aunt was a substance addict and a hoarder. We removed a lot of stuff from the house. Now the interior of the house needs work.
My partner’s mom and my partner’s mom’s partner have been doing a lot of work on the house.
My partner started to drive 30 minutes from her job to the house to help. She is expecting me to do the same every day after work. I don’t want to.
I don’t have the mental capacity to go work after working my regular job for eight hours and then work on the house all weekend. My job is also 30 minutes from the house. The house is not even officially hers. My partner’s loan is still pending.
I am going to get burned out quickly from my job, the house, and our relationship if I work on the house every night. My partner is trying to guilt-trip me into coming every night by saying how her mom and her mom’s partner are doing this for free and how I’m just sitting there.
They don’t work a full-time job. I’m grateful for their help, but I don’t want to work every night right after work. AITJ for refusing to work every night after work?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one should be working on that house at all until the offer has been accepted and the title is in your partner’s name.
They maybe shouldn’t even be on the property at all if it doesn’t belong to them. I’m guessing the bank foreclosed on it or something since it obviously wasn’t willed to anyone in the family. Actually, them working on it now for free is probably improving the value if it was in such a state and may end up costing them more once it’s been valued.” DFTgamer
Another User Comments:
“One, why are they doing anything to the house before my partner closes on it? How are these people going to feel about putting in a lot of hard work before the loan goes through if it doesn’t? Two, you have no financial interest in the property.
And even if you did, that would not be sufficient reason to work yourself into the ground. She should count herself lucky that after the loan goes through, you help on the weekends.” ProfessionalHot5213
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are so many red flags about this that lead to your deeply regretting ever involving yourself with your partner and this house.
Please don’t be in denial about the feedback you’re getting here. You are on the brink of making the biggest mistake of your life. Anyone who wants you to sign onto the loan—which obligates you to pay for the house without giving you ownership—but doesn’t first put you on the title, which gives you ownership, is either knowingly or unknowingly scamming you.
Pressuring Grandma to sell quickly looks just as scammy. Where will she live? Pressuring you to provide an unrealistic amount of free labor is ridiculous and scammy. And guilt-tripping you? Tell her to get out. After eight months? That’s way too soon, even for signing for a used car.
Way, way too soon. Never mind free labor at your inconvenience. These people (partner, mother, partner) are all take and no give. I don’t know how much life experience you have, but these are exactly the type of people to run far and fast from.
Like, starting now. It’s up to you if you find all this out the easy way, by listening to feedback, or the hard way.” Broad_Pomegranate141
10. AITJ For Brushing Off My Mom's Claims That Washing Dishes Makes Me Smell Like Dish Soap?
“I make myself some breakfast every morning before class. I don’t want to deal with the dishes when I get home, so I just wash them before leaving.
Every day, my mother comes downstairs and yells at me for 3-5 minutes about washing the dishes.
She says that I’m going to smell like dish soap and stink up my classroom. She also says that students are going to complain about me smelling bad. This has been going on for years. This morning, I told her that she’s the most annoying person I’ve ever met.
I just don’t think that washing four things in the morning is going to make me smell like dish soap. I usually just brush her off, but I’m starting to wonder if I actually smell bad. I’ve heard that it’s difficult for a person to determine their own smell.
But I’ve never heard her actually say that I smell like dish soap?
Is she right and I’m the jerk for brushing her off and telling her that she’s annoying?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m worried something else is going on with mom, some anxiety or something else.
Speaking as someone who has the tendency to wig out over stupid things due to anxiety/adhd, reactions like this are seldom ever about the dishes. (Or whatever else.) Don’t let it get to you, and maybe try to talk to her if you feel like it would be productive.
It’s good to clean up before work! I wish I had the motivation.” GMF1844
Another User Comments:
“I’m wondering about gender and culture stuff here. Is she worried that people are going to think poorly of her because you’re doing your own dishes – like she’s the mom and she should be doing it?
Is it a class thing? If you go to school smelling like dish soap, will you look like someone who has to do their own dishes (quelle horreur!) and have a harder time finding a romantic partner in the ‘right’ socioeconomic class?” BubblyNumber5518
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I guarantee you, you do not smell like dish soap. If this were true, you would also be smelling like your shampoo, your shower gel, your mascara, nail polish, laundry detergent, and your toothpaste. That would be a heady mix, let me tell you.
In reality, all these smells are so faint that nobody even notices unless they are up close and personal with you. And anyways, dish soaps smell great. I wouldn’t be offended if someone told me I smelled like one. Your mom is just looking for a reason to be angry with you because her real reason is probably something else that she doesn’t want you to know – which means it’s nonsense.” Gennevieve1
9. AITJ For Refusing To Make A Sandwich For My Stepdad?
“I (15F) come home from school every day at 3:00 PM and have the rest of the day to do whatever I want.
My stepdad (54M), whom my mom has been married to for five years, comes home from work around 5-6 PM. Recently, there’s been a lot of tension between us, and today it escalated when he went to my mom to snitch about everything, which in turn got her angry at me, and it put a lot of pressure on me because she’s siding with him.
Here’s the situation: He asked me to make him a sandwich, which wouldn’t be the first time. He literally shouted, “OP, come make me a sandwich.” But I said no because I was in my room doing schoolwork. My reasoning is that I don’t want to feel like I’m babying him.
My mom always cooks for him, and he never does anything for himself around the house. Honestly, having to cook for him feels sexist and kind of demeaning, though I know some people might call me woke or sensitive for feeling that way. It just rubbed me the wrong way.
This isn’t just about the sandwich, though. Over time, whenever I say no to him, even for small things, he insults me. He’s called me a brat, a pig, a jerk, and childish, among other things. It makes me question why I should respect him if he doesn’t show me any respect in return.
And honestly, the insults make things worse. It’s also the hypocrisy that makes me not want to listen. He calls me a “pig” because I sometimes leave a dirty dish or two in the sink, or if the house isn’t clean. But then, when he comes home, he leaves his own dirty dishes from lunch in the sink without cleaning them.
These dishes can get really gross because they’ve been carried around all day, but he won’t do anything about it. When I call him out on it and say something like, “Hey, maybe clean your dishes,” he just says, “Why don’t you do it?” And it gets worse.
If he actually does something like clean a dish, he looks to my mom for praise, as if he’s done some grand favor. He starts saying things like, “I do more around here than OP does.” It’s really frustrating, to say the least. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Have you tried talking to your mom when he isn’t around, to hear her true feelings without being influenced by him? She might side with him because she is afraid of escalation, perhaps fearing he might become physical. If he insults you every chance he gets because he can’t control his anger, I feel it is only a matter of time before he does become physical. Though I hope I am wrong.
I don’t think you’re the jerk. I can totally understand your reaction. He sounds like someone who does not respect you or even ask politely if you have time, but instead demands it.” SherbertFriendly6126
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re in for a rough couple of years until you can move out.
You have a couple of choices, but mostly it comes down to standing your ground and accepting the (entirely unfair) consequences OR doing what he’s asking until you can move out and go no contact. The language is meant to attack your self-esteem and make you easier to control.
The fact that you’re afraid of being called ‘woke’ tells me that your environment is probably not the best for anyone who is not white and male. But no matter what you choose, remember that this is temporary, you are NOT worthless, and you can cut them out of your life if they continue to hurt you.
It just takes time.” TelephoneDiligent671
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Also, I want to share that similarly my stepdad pulled many stunts to exert his ‘authority’ over me. But ironically, I am the most accomplished and stable person in our 8-child family. I’m one of 3 who graduated high school.
I’m the only person to have a bachelor’s degree (and with honors too). I’m the only one of the children to have a job I got off my own effort (not given to me by a family member). All of us have mental health issues, but I am the only one who can recognise it and I treat it with great success.
I’ve grown into a strong, caring and vibrant person and now all the pathetic behaviour he used to leverage over me hangs over him. He’s intimidated by me and at every opportunity he tries to make me like him. No matter how much men like this try to bring you down, you will always be far superior to them.” moonb3an
8. AITJ For Calling Out My Mom For Fat-Shaming A Young Girl On A Hike?
“I (19F) went on a hike with my mom (53F). While hiking, a girl who looked around 13 years old was running down the hill. My mom has always been pretty unapologetic and uncaring about what others think of her, to the point that she is borderline rude.
As the girl passed us, my mom gave her a side-eye and started giggling. I asked her why she was laughing, and she said, “Look at the size of her plodding down this hill.” My mum had been making snide comments throughout the holiday, and by this time I was tired of it, so without hesitation, I rashly responded with, “Not like you’re much better.” My mom then ignored me for the rest of the trip.
I felt uncomfortable about my mom’s comment because I’ve had issues with an eating disorder in the past. I believe that making comments about a child’s weight (or anybody’s) is disgusting. She should know better, especially since she’s raised two kids, and my brother is the same age as the girl.
I’m wondering if I’m the jerk for saying that because it is never okay to fat-shame anybody. Plus, I feel indebted to her considering my mom had a difficult pregnancy and has raised me my whole life.”
Another User Comments:
“First of all, and I’m telling you that as a parent myself, it’s not your fault your mom had a difficult pregnancy, and it’s literally her job to raise and take care of you.
Second, NTJ. Your mom was being rude, made you uncomfortable, and then had the nerve to ignore you like a child when she’s 53. She needs to grow up. I bet your eating disorder comes from her as well.” Leyohs
Another User Comments:
“I don’t care about anything else.
You should not feel indebted to your mother for giving birth to you. Unless you are somehow the orchestrator behind your own conception, she should not be making you feel guilty about your birth. Your mother’s not a nice person if she does, and she probably wasn’t anyway for making fun of a child running by her.
That’s a good way to upset someone’s parents and end up in a fight.” MaximumMood9075
Another User Comments:
“I’m not going to condone you implying that your mom is fat but… NTJ. As a minor close to the age that you estimated the girl running down the hill is, that girl was probably very aware of her weight, hence why she was out getting exercise.
I am incredibly self-conscious about my body and have been trying to get out more and exercise when the weather isn’t too bad. You never know when someone is struggling. Shame on your mom.” DrawerCreative5401
7. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Wash His Hands?
“Am I the jerk for asking my partner to wash his hands after shoving them in his pants?
It’s mainly because of the stench. It wouldn’t annoy me that often if it weren’t so stinky, but when I show him something on my phone and he grabs it with that hand.
He constantly has them down there. Thank goodness he does not do that when company is over or in public. But he does it constantly at home!
He always gets angry when I ask politely, thinking I don’t want him around. So he just runs to a different room.
All I want is for him to at least wash his hands, wipe his bits, and maybe change his pants. (It really does linger, even if he does wash them for me on occasion.) He has good hygiene otherwise; it’s just that very specific thing.
Lately, I still can’t smell some things, and other scents have been heightened. Apparently, this is one of them.
So am I an overreacting jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m trying to be fair and respectful to your partner here. Why does he have his hands in his pants so often?
As a man myself, I understand the need to ‘adjust’ it a few times a day when it somehow sticks to your leg or something. I don’t get why he would need to put his hand in his pants, though. And the thing that took me off guard the most is that it smells bad.
While I understand that you can sometimes develop a smell down there, that should not be the norm. There is a whole spectrum between ‘washed 20 seconds ago’ and smelling really breathtakingly bad. I think every man (and woman, for that matter) has had times when he or she did not feel ‘fresh’ down there.
But your partner sounds like he has a hygiene issue. Maybe you can talk to him about this without him getting defensive? Try to consider that it may be awkward for him, too. Maybe he suffered neglect as a child? I’m not trying to be rude.” MercTW
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When I was a young man, I had issues with yeast causing jock itch, and this was a common cause of smell. I washed regularly, too. This is easy to fix with good hygiene and medicines. It is not normal, nor should it be acceptable.
If he is unwilling to listen to you and fix it, he’s not worth your effort. And you are not the jerk for wanting him to wash his hands. Smell means there is stuff growing there, and transference is a real problem.” FunOpportunity7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What the heck do you mean ‘He has good hygiene otherwise’? A man who is not changing his undergarments every day does not, in fact, on any level, ‘have good hygiene.’ A man whose hand reeks after the slightest contact with the general vicinity of that region does not have good hygiene.
A man who constantly has his hands in that region does not have good hygiene. In fact, I wonder if, on top of whatever else is going on, he’s just itchy all the time because he doesn’t clean anything. A man who does not wash his hands after having contact with that region does not have good hygiene.
‘He does wash them for me on occasion.’ Are… are you serious right now? And you claim he showers every day? It does not matter if he showers every day if he then proceeds to get back into the same skidmarked, urine-stained undergarment he was wearing before he got in!
You’re going to get a fungal infection from this guy.” PinkNGreenFluoride
6. AITJ For Demanding A Deposit Refund After A Tattoo Artist’s Last Minute Cancellation?
“A few months ago, a tattoo artist I’d been following announced they would be coming to my city.
I had seen some of their work around and really liked their style, so I asked for a carte blanche. They asked me to pay a deposit to secure the appointment, which is standard practice here (50 euros in this case).
So far, so good. However, I grew increasingly nervous about this because they handled the communication really badly.
They said they’d follow up to set a date and time but never did; I always had to be the one to reach out to get basic information. They also refused to give the address in advance (I asked two days before the appointment). I think they just hadn’t found a place to set up shop, but I would have liked it if they had explained that instead of just saying they’d tell me later.
The day of the appointment had still more mishaps. First, on the morning of the appointment, the artist asked me which of their flashes I would be choosing—they had forgotten that I had asked for a carte blanche. I was mad, but I politely explained the problem and we worked it out.
Then, they DMed me 2 hours before the appointment to move it one hour later. Then, about 1 hour before the appointment, they told me that “they weren’t feeling well so they’d rather do the project in February” (I’m translating, but they said this more or less verbatim).
I told them that “I would prefer they give me the deposit back instead, since it’s not cool to cancel an appointment at the last minute.” To this, they just answered that “they have health issues so they have no choice.” The thing is, I know for a fact that the artist is struggling financially and may not have the money to pay me back.
It feels cruel to potentially put them in more financial distress, so I might be in the wrong here, even though offering to give the deposit back would usually be standard practice when canceling an appointment.
To make matters worse, they then made an Instagram story saying “I’m really not doing well right now so there’s no point being mean when I cancel an appointment” – as I saw it, complaining about me publicly.
I got really angry about that, and I let them know that this behavior was unprofessional.
The thing is, I kind of get where they are coming from. For any other tattoo artist, I wouldn’t have gotten angry about a last-minute cancellation—stuff comes up, I understand.
The only reason I reacted the way I did was because I was already frustrated with them, but this doesn’t change the fact that they can’t help their health issues. Besides, in retrospect, telling someone their behavior is unprofessional is pretty rude, and in any case a needless escalation; I should probably have just ignored it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you are overthinking the whole exchange. Take money back; yes, it was a disappointing experience and that feeling is valid. Stop obsessing over their financial issues—that is their issue. And be glad they did not tattoo you in whatever unhealthy state they are in.
Whether they have a mental issue or physical issue or whatever, it is better not to be tattooed by someone unable to produce their best or at least standard work.” unsafeideas
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A deposit is meant to protect both of you from a no-show and loss of income on their end and loss of completion on yours.
If they spent the money in advance, then that’s their poor business practice—not yours. Demand your money back, then after you get it, explain your situation and their delayed response on social media. Warn others that a talented tattoo artist must also be a responsible business owner.
Artistic talent without business skills is counterproductive. Great business skills without artistic talent is just as bad.” Hammingbir
Another User Comments:
“NTJ—things happen, cancellations happen, but as you said, in most practices, if the artist cancels, they automatically give or offer to give the deposit back.
Especially when there were already issues with communication, down to them already forgetting what you wanted to get done. A lot of people make appointments around their own life schedule; what if February didn’t work for you? What if you weren’t going to be in the area in February and that’s why you scheduled for when you did?
It’s your money and no service has been provided, no work has been done, or communicated effectively to guarantee the work will get done. It was extremely immature for them to post on Instagram to try and indirectly guilt you. You should get your deposit back and not set another appointment with them until they seem to be at a more stable place in their life, health, and shop-wise.” rubbertraitz
5. AITJ For Skipping A Friend’s Pricey Birthday Dinner?
“A close friend wants to celebrate his birthday by going out to dinner.
He’s chosen a pricey restaurant, so I expect the bill to be high.
The last time he organized dinner, the bill was close to $500 for 3 people (he likes his booze and exotic cocktails).
I am frugal, and I’d rather spend my money traveling or saving for retirement. My friend blows through money and carries a lot of credit card debt.
I don’t even spend that kind of money eating out, so I am rather upset he’s chosen to do this.
What’s even more annoying is that I know he expects his friends to pick up his tab and split it as a gift.
I am thinking about skipping dinner, as I don’t feel that someone else’s expectations should be dictating how I spend my money. There are many ways to celebrate someone’s money that do not revolve around blowing through money.
How do y’all approach situations like this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “Thank you for thinking of me with your invitation, but I’m on a strict budget right now and can’t afford to dine out at a place like that. I hope you have a great birthday celebration! Let’s grab drinks together sometime (birthday month), first round’s on me to celebrate your bday.” If you were buying someone a present, you’d have a budget.
Just because he’s organizing his own birthday dinner doesn’t mean he can expect everyone else to blow their budget just to pay his share.” Dramatic_Attempt4318
Another User Comments:
“Your friend sounds really unreasonable. Does he reciprocate in kind for your birthday? Regardless, I’d cancel—the sooner, the better, because the other two people going are now going to be stuck with a huge bill.
They have the option of gutting it out, canceling/rescheduling, or choosing a different restaurant. Be prepared for a rescheduled event—you’ll have to have some sort of excuse or explanation. You are definitely NTJ! If you absolutely have to go, make sure to tell the server as soon as you sit down that you’d like a separate check, so there is no confusion about who is paying for what.
You can chip in $20 or whatever towards the overall bill but decline to get sucked into your friend’s overindulgence.” mumtaz2004
Another User Comments:
“Seems a bit like no jerks here. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a splurge for a birthday. And if my math checks out, covering his part of the tab would run about $150 split between 2 people (based on your previous dinner).
Depending on your norms, that’s not outrageous as a price tag for a gift to a good friend. But an invitation is not a summons, obviously, and there’s no reason you’d be a jerk for saying no thanks.” Big_Falcon89
4. AITJ For Keeping My Collection Income Separate And Not Sharing It With My Husband?
“My (F25) husband (M26) and I got married this summer. We live in an apartment that I own.
I have a full-time job and I’m earning more than him. He works from home and also earns well, but I’m slightly above him with my salary. We are sharing our finances equally, as a husband and wife should.
Well, I am also a collector.
I spend plenty of time going to flea markets at 5 AM, four times a week. I collect, I restore, and I also sell. eBay is my side hustle. Not only do I enjoy collecting, but I’m also earning some side money from it. I restore most of the “junk” and try to make a profit to grow my collection.
My husband knew all of this because we were in a relationship for 7 years prior. I was very upfront and I told him that the money I make from my collection and from my flea markets is the money I’m going to invest in my collection, and I won’t be putting that into our household bills.
It was fine until we got married.
Then he started getting mad and angry whenever I bought something for my collection. He’s constantly checking whether I sold something on eBay and asking what my statement on my eBay account is. I have a separate debit card that I use exclusively for my eBay sales, and I’m not taking any money out of our monthly salaries.
December was my busiest month so far, with all the holidays, and thankfully, I was able to afford a piece for my collection that cost around $1300, so I went for it. The thing is, he still doesn’t know about it. Because I fear that he’d get mad.
I know it’s my money, and I know I have a right to spend it on whatever I want, but I still feel threatened and judged because of his upcoming reaction.
Last month, I was eyeing another piece I was missing to add to my collection, and my mom offered to get it for me for Christmas.
So, she paid for the item, and my husband was very angry upon finding that out because he thought I could use that money toward getting us something else instead, like a new coffee table or some kitchen utensils.
We have no debts; it’s my apartment under my name—I got it.
He put his fair share into it by helping out with renovations and everything. I can’t complain, but it was 90% me. I put my whole salary toward the bills, groceries, and whatever furniture we need, so I feel it’s not fair for him to control my side hustle.
Recently, whenever he hears the eBay notification that I have sold something, he gets mad that I am making money, and he is constantly posting jokes saying, “There it comes money from doing nothing.” This is pretty annoying because I put tons of effort into my collection.
I have started to turn off the notifications so he won’t get jealous or cocky. Once, in an argument, he said that my earning more and doing an eBay side hustle is going to make him seem weak and is going to make me more dominant.
And the thing that hurt me the most was one night when he jokingly said, “Well, I hope you don’t sell anything so you wouldn’t be spending that money on foolish things again…””
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but the behaviour from your husband is concerning that this switched when you were married. You stated you were clear that your hobby/collection money is exactly that and will always be for that.
He changed the goalposts once you were ‘locked down’. The fact that you are taking measures and precautions to avoid him finding out even if it is subconsciously, is also concerning. I think you need to ask yourself if you can live like this or if he can change his behaviour.” ubiquitouskjz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but if you both earn well (outside of your side hustle, I mean) and you own your home and I’m assuming you don’t have kids, where is all his money going? That’s not to say that bills aren’t expensive no matter where you’re at in life, but why is he so pressed about not having access to your side earnings?
Personally, I’m not a fan of completely combining finances. I think there should be a shared account for bills/shared expenses, and each person puts an agreed-upon percentage of their paycheck into that account, and then has personal access to the rest of their paycheck to use however they want.” perpetuallyxhausted
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have to warn you, hon, it is not unusual for people to wait until marriage to show their true colours, and I fear that is the case here. You have been doing this for years. It isn’t new, it isn’t a surprise to him.
You keep this whole thing separate; it doesn’t affect your ability to pay bills or live your life. You aren’t making money “doing nothing,” as you spend time finding these things and fixing them up. That’s a very valid, normal side hustle. His behaviour now is alarming, frankly, and it needs to be addressed. If he is unwilling to let it go or engage in couples counseling, I don’t know how you move forward.
Because it isn’t sustainable to live with him with this attitude. At the moment, it is obvious he won’t stop unless you stop what you are doing or (more likely what he wants) share your income with him. That is not okay. He needs to deal with this because you can’t keep walking on eggshells; it’s exhausting.
Good luck!” imamage_fightme
3. AITJ For Choosing My Conference Over My Partner’s Friend’s Wedding?
“My (33F) partner’s (34M) friend is getting married in a few months and we are invited. The groom is a childhood friend of my partner who moved to another town a few years ago, which is where the wedding is going to be (same country but far enough that we need to fly there).
On the same day, I also need to attend a conference in my field of work that is going to be held in yet another city, significantly far from the wedding location. The conference is a pretty big event and I’m going to give a presentation on my team’s work.
Unfortunately, the last day of the conference is also the day of the wedding. When I told my partner I couldn’t attend the wedding because of it, he got upset and asked me if I could skip it or leave a day early. I told him I cannot skip it since it’s an important event for my team and me, and I can’t leave early because I need to be present for the entire duration to receive my attendance certificate (which I need for my CV and other work-related matters).
Also, I don’t even know which day my presentation will be yet; hence, I cannot decide anything beforehand.
I tried to come up with other solutions, such as taking a train right after the conference ended since the wedding is late in the afternoon.
However, I found that the journey would take over eight hours and I wouldn’t make it on time. Additionally, by plane it would take too long because the airport is located several towns away.
My partner got mad at me for this; he didn’t explicitly say it, but we had this conversation on the way to meeting some friends and he barely spoke to me the entire night.
I understand that he is not happy about it, but I don’t understand why he is mad at me. Personally, it would be different if it were a family member’s wedding—whether mine or my partner’s—or a close friend’s wedding to both of us, in which case I would choose to skip part of the conference and arrange for someone else to do the presentation.
However, I think it’s different since I don’t even know the bride and groom (I’ve briefly met the groom twice and have never met the bride), which means they are not going to be upset that I am not there—only my partner is.
I don’t think it is wrong to choose what to sacrifice depending on the people for whom you are sacrificing. On other occasions, my partner has skipped events with my family for reasons I considered valid, such as work commitments or plans he had with his friends before the family invitation.
Also, I want to mention that we would be attending the wedding with other people from my partner’s friend group, so he would not go alone anyway.
So please tell me, am I the jerk for thinking there is nothing wrong with my partner attending his friend’s wedding without me, given the situation?”
Another User Comments:
“No, you’re not the jerk! You’ve got a work commitment. You are presenting at a conference, for goodness’ sake! This is in front of colleagues and industry peers who will see you and remember you. This could potentially help your career. Calling off to attend a wedding with a load of people that you don’t know because your partner is annoyed will do exactly the opposite.
It would be different if it was immediate family, but these people are not. If you DO go, I can guarantee you’ll sit through the reception, not knowing many people and feeling resentful that you’re there. Not healthy for the relationship. You say your partner has skipped events with you for work.
Is your work not as important then?” FabulousTrick8859
Another User Comments:
“Girl, NTJ. I’ve been exactly where you are. Did you submit an abstract/presentation proposal to the conference before finding out about the wedding? Because if you did, your partner has no leg to stand on.
He is honestly acting like a child. I understand careers shouldn’t come before some things, but you had the conference planned first and you do not know the people getting married. Your partner needs to respect that and get over his juvenile pity party.
Do not skip your conference. If he can’t get over it, then he does not respect you and doesn’t deserve you.” torrentialwx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s your partner, not your husband, so putting your career before his life events is entirely understandable.
He’s done the same, by your own admission. The only reason he’s being irritated about it now is because it’s his friend’s wedding and he didn’t want to go without a +1. It’s possible, depending on how far along in your relationship you are, that he might have toyed with the idea of proposing then (tacky, but some people do it).
Regardless, you are NTJ for refusing to go to the wedding of people you don’t know and missing out on an important, job-related conference, just to be somebody’s +1.” BossMaleficent558
2. AITJ For Asking A Kid To Leave My Porch?
“I (41 F) have generally had a cordial relationship with my neighbors. We don’t talk too much, but we talk when we see each other or need to discuss property matters.
This afternoon, I was out Christmas shopping when my security camera notifications started going off like crazy.
I looked, and it was someone’s kid (roughly 3?) on my porch, pulling on some of my decorations. Then I saw them open my mailbox and pull on the door handle. I saw no adults in sight through the camera. I immediately called my neighbor to see if it was one of their relatives, but received no response.
I called through the camera speaker and asked the kid to please not play with things on my porch. They didn’t listen. I asked them to please go back to their parents. They stayed on the porch for about 10 minutes, and I eventually gave up.
Finally, I received angry texts from the neighbor; I guess it was a relative. They simply responded with “they’re just a baby.” I said, “Look, all I saw was some kid I didn’t know on my porch opening my mailbox and playing with things while I wasn’t there, and it was stressing me and my cat out.” They got angry and said, “Okay, cool, hey, never ask us for anything in the future.
He’s a baby and was just admiring your decorations,” clearly angry at me.
Was I in the wrong to be upset that there was a random child on my porch and trying to figure out who they were? I get that the kid was young and curious, but I personally would never let my kid go up and play on someone’s porch when they weren’t home or without permission.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If “they’re just a baby” then they most definitely shouldn’t be playing unattended on someone else’s property. Even if it was acceptable for random neighbor toddlers to play on your porch, a responsible supervising adult should have been within earshot and heard your communication attempts and prevented the child from messing with your mail.
Depending on the circumstances, a random child wandering the area would warrant a call to the police. In your shoes, I would have strongly considered calling the cops to make sure the child was okay and didn’t wander into traffic.” ATXNerd01
Another User Comments:
“ESH for not calling the police.
You saw an unattended three-year-old, and your first thought was just to tell him to get off your porch? That is an extremely dangerous situation where the child could have been seriously injured if they were really unattended. I understand reaching out to the neighbors first, but when they didn’t answer, you should have immediately called the police.
All the NTJ is kind of crazy to me, like, yeah, I get that you eventually found out that the kid’s parents were there and letting the kid do whatever, which is messed up on their part, but you didn’t know that at the time.” im_a_wildflower
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – The rule is always to be within arm’s length in a pool to be able to save a kid, right? Otherwise, it doesn’t count as “watching them.” Same deal for this, in my opinion: if you’re too far away to be able to stop the kid from pulling on decorations or trying to open the front door (which I’m guessing are some distance apart), then you’re not close enough to be paying good enough attention to them.
Also, I hate to think what that kid would have done (and how long it would have taken them to notice) if the door had opened!” kruznkiwi
1. AITJ For Complaining About My Dad's Navy Shower Order?
“I (33F) am married to my husband (42M). We have two young boys under 5 and live out of state from my parents. It’s about a three-hour drive to their house, and we visit fairly often.
They have a larger home in a beautiful neighborhood, and they have very well-paying jobs. Since we have young kids, we often stay for the whole weekend.
My dad (58M) is ex-military and grew up taking “Navy Showers,” as he calls them. My grandfather always made my dad, his brothers, as well as anyone else who stayed at their house, take them as well.
It’s essentially a regular shower, except you turn the water off when you’re soaping yourself up and shampooing your hair. So, you’ll turn the water on to start the shower, then turn the water off to soap up and shampoo your hair, and then turn the water back on to rinse off.
My grandfather always said that it saved tons of water and was efficient. Growing up, I always thought it was ridiculous because it just meant you were standing there freezing while the water was off for half your shower. My dad always rolled his eyes over it, too.
Just this past weekend, though, he told my husband and me that we needed to start taking Navy Showers when we visited. He said my husband takes too long of a shower while he’s there, and it’s wasting water, so he wants us both to do them.
He and my mom both shower that way every day because he believes it saves water and is better for their septic system. It should be noted that my husband is not taking long, luxurious showers for fun. He is balding and shaves his head in the shower every morning to prevent stubble.
His showers are roughly 20 minutes long, and again, it’s because he has to shave his head. Anyway, my dad told us this, and we both politely said okay. However, later in the day, he brought it up again, and I told him that I thought it was a little ridiculous to stand in a freezing shower without water just to save, at most, 2 minutes’ worth of water.
Not to mention, my husband would be turning the water on and off every time he needed to rinse his razor.
My dad just repeated that we, but especially my husband, take too long of a shower. He claims my husband takes 30-45-minute showers while he’s there.
I explained that my husband has never taken that long of a shower and that it’s a little weird to be monitoring the length of our showers. I told him that it makes both of us, but especially my husband, feel awkward and that we both feel like we are being judged. He wouldn’t budge and just repeated that he wanted us to shower that way while at his house because he believed it was better.
We, of course, respected what he said and did the Navy Showers this weekend, but AITJ or is it actually a ridiculous request?
It should also be noted that we all live in the Midwest, and it was 12 degrees out this weekend with snow. They keep their house at 67 in the winter, so standing in a shower when you’re completely wet without the water running really sucks.
My parents are well off, so it’s not a money issue either. I don’t mention them being well off to say that, therefore, money doesn’t matter. I just wanted to provide context.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and this is a ridiculous rule for well-off people to impose on house guests.
If it were me, I wouldn’t continue to stay at their home. It sounds more like an issue of control than of economy. Having said that… I will add that a man taking a 20-minute shower daily because he “has” to shave his head in the shower is beyond ridiculous to me.
Shave your head at the sink and take the 5-10 minute non-Navy shower that other average humans do.” MadameAllura
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Showering as your parents prefer will, in fact, use less water, less energy to heat the water, and put less wastewater in the septic.
This is also how we showered in the Army when in hot, dry places with limited water. Since it is your parents’ house, it is reasonable for them to set rules, even if you don’t agree with them. Either stay somewhere else, follow their rules, or try to come to an agreement with them.
As a bald man, I can verify that it is not necessary to shave your head in the shower. I have been shaving my head in the sink daily for years and have never had a problem. I only turn the water on to wet my head, or to rinse the razor.
Perhaps your husband could do that before he steps into the shower, then take a reasonable 10-minute shower instead of his “luxurious shower”. 20 minutes is a pretty long shower, especially as a guest in someone else’s house.” anyname6789
Another User Comments:
“From a non-teenager who pays the water bills: 20 minutes is a long shower.
And I’m going to split the difference: OP, you say 20-ish minutes, your dad says 30-40…. So I would say the truth is probably in the middle and your husband’s showers are probably closer to the half-hour mark. And I also find it irksome when people justify their actions by saying ‘the other party is well-off/rich/can easily afford it, therefore, I should be allowed to do X-thing or have Y-thing’.
I dunno, there is something a bit callous about that….. As someone who works with a lot of senior people, I wouldn’t assume ANYTHING about your parents’ financial well-being. If your mum and dad are retired and on a restricted income, that could mean they have to be pretty careful with their cash flow and watch their budget.
Switching gears from ‘money in money out’ to ‘NO money in, money out’ can make even the best prepared retirees worried about their finances. When you visit, do you bring groceries with you, offer to pay for food, do some of the driving, etc., etc.?
Or do you expect mum and dad to still cover everything? Overall, I can understand why your dad spoke to you about the water usage. However, I also do understand that “Navy Showers” are irritating. Canadian here, so Navy Showers in a cooler home (again, perhaps your parents need to watch their bills) would be annoying indeed.
So ESH – you and your husband for assuming 20-minute showers are fine on your parents’ dime, and your dad for demanding a very uncomfortable solution for everyone. Ps – why doesn’t your husband do what many others do and pre-shave before showering? When my own daughter takes 20 minutes in the shower, I definitely notice and I remind her to get faster!” busyshrew
