People Want To Know Who To Shame In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
26. AITJ For Letting My Kids Draw All Over The Walkway Of My Apartment?
“I live on the 2nd floor of an apartment building. My neighbor is very clean. She sweeps and mops outside around her door like weekly… Me… not so much… I have 3 girls. 6, 5 and 3. I do try to be respectful by keeping their chalk drawings on the opposite side of our door so it’s not on her side and we don’t do it often.
Like not even once a month. The girls did it last night while my husband and I cleaned up dinner and they did go a little crazy. The whole sidewalk was decorated. Well at least us and up to 3 doors down… She got all nasty and was out there with buckets scrubbing the sidewalk just now… I don’t really think I’m being that big of a jerk.
It was raining all day and they needed to get outside. And it is just chalk and doesn’t happen often. What do you think?”
Another User Comments:
“If your kids were playing and drawing little kid pictures on the walkway outside of my front door I would bring them lemonade.
You are not the jerk here.” whaleyboy1000
Another User Comments:
“Nah, you’re good.
This is the lady who calls the cops because the kids outside have sparklers.” Stabbytehstabber
Another User Comments:
“As long as they weren’t drawing phallic images or something you’re good. The rain will wash it off.” girlseekstribe
25. AITJ For "Getting Rid" Of A Friend?
“So I had a ‘friend’ in school, he was a bit of a jerk at times, it was his version of ‘banter,’ he didn’t know when to shut up and would often go from being a friend to a downright inconvenience. Maybe I was being a bit oversensitive and couldn’t take a joke but yeah…
Time goes by, we don’t really talk much anymore, no falling out or anything, we’ve just gone separate ways. Fast forward to last year and he sees me at a party and we get talking. Turns out, as we got older we have a fair bit in common.
He’s still a bit full-on with his jokes but I’ve developed enough of a sense of humor to laugh at myself now.
He recently asked if I wanted to open a business with him, I said no, I’m in a job I like, pay isn’t amazing but job security and satisfaction are great.
He takes offense that I don’t want to join him on this venture, he thinks it’s a great opportunity. I consult my parents on whether I perhaps should reconsider this. They say no, keep doing what you’re doing, you enjoy it, it’s too risky to open a business at your age.
Next time, I’m with my friend, he gets more and more annoyed by the fact that I won’t join him on this and that I’m being a coward about it all. He goes as far as to openly insult me and my parents after a few drinks – he sees nothing wrong with this.
I walk off in a huff and haven’t spoken since.
For the record, almost everyone I know thinks this guy is a jerk. Nobody really likes him in my group of friends.
Am I just being oversensitive again or do you guys agree that he’s just being a jerk at this point?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re showing remarkable restraint, however, based on how you are reacting, what you think about these ‘jokes’ and such, I would say, it’s fine to not bother with people. Friends can be good or bad influences, even if you are totally not overly affected by their behavior, so keeping good company, particularly supportive is important.
So it’s fine to stay in your current job, not take his crap and not bother with him if you don’t like the way he relates to you and makes you feel.” athanathios
Another User Comments:
“I just want to say I think your parents are perhaps too risk-averse.
It’s true that opening a business is risky. But being young shouldn’t have anything to do with it.
Youth is when taking risks makes more sense, but less.” Mulsanne
Another User Comments:
“I don’t get why people are calling you a jerk, it’s up to you who you spend your life with, and a business is a big decision.
He also seems toxic.” wedontbuildL
24. AITJ For Wanting To Do What I Want On My Birthday?
“For my birthday this year, I wanted to have a big night out on the town, get a group of my friends together to go drinking, dancing, etc.
Some people couldn’t make it, fair enough real life gets in the way sometimes.
After some dropouts, there are about 6 of us planning to go. A couple of days before, one of my friends tells me she doesn’t really want to club and would rather have a quiet night at a pub. I tell her multiple times that it’s my birthday and I’d rather do what I want to do.
Eventually, she relents. So I think okay good, she might go home a little earlier but at least she came out.
The day in question rolls around, and two more people have dropped out, and the other three have decided (without telling me) that they’re going to the pub instead.
So I think, whatever, it’s my birthday why can’t we do what I want to do?!
Well after some back and forth with the aforementioned friend, she tells me it isn’t about where you go it’s who you’re with, and you can still have a good time.
I get that but the point is that it’s my birthday, why can’t we do what I want to do. I ask them this. And I get told ‘Just shut up, stop overreacting’.
In my mind, this is completely unfair to me and totally jerk behavior on their part yet they’re making out like I’m the bad guy for complaining.
Well turns out a couple of other friends who were initially not able to go, changed their plans and want to go out to town after all. Well, obviously I’m going to go with them. However, the other group is now telling me that I’m ditching them and a jerk for it.
So am I the jerk for doing what I wanted to do originally for my own birthday??!!”
Another User Comments:
“Nah. You’re not a jerk. But it looks like your friends REALLY don’t want to go to the city. Maybe they’re uncomfortable, maybe they’re broke, maybe they don’t dance.
And you can dance if you want to. You can leave your friends behind. Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance, well, they’re no friends of mine.
But since they are your friends, and since they do want to hang out with you, maybe a compromise would be to say, ‘Hey, I’m gonna go to party it up the metropolitan style this day, but maybe we could hang out the day after?’.” User
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk, but a word of advice – no one cares about your birthday. The older you get, the less they will care. Do what you want to do on your birthday – if anyone else is there, great. If not, sucks for them.
Don’t depend on others to bring you birthday happiness – because they won’t. Do what makes you happy.” dougiemeowserMD
Another User Comments:
“Nope you’re not the jerk here, your friends are just selfish prima donnas. If they don’t fancy clubbing etc. That’s their prerogative but you don’t just decide you’re going to do something different without the person whose birthday you’re supposed to be celebrating and expect them to be ok with it.
You******* up, go out anyway and try to enjoy yourself, and get your birthday friend trashed in the process. 100% with you on this one.” HMJ87
23. AITJ For Not Sympathizing With My Petty Roommate?
“One of my roommates and I work opposite shifts so we only see each other in passing, usually.
He is protective of his things and if something is not the way he left it, he will be upset about it, even if he leaves it out where it is probably going to be touched. These are just things like a GameCube on the coffee table or a laptop on our one small dining table.
I’m aware of not touching these things and I don’t usually touch his stuff that is in our shared space.
However, a yo-yo was sitting out and I wasn’t aware it was his, as it was a nice yo-yo and our apartment is small enough that I know who owns technically everything.
I assumed it was a friend’s so I played around with it. He noticed it was played with and I outright told him I did it because I didn’t know it was his. He naturally told me never to touch the things that he leaves out.
Only thing is, I spent 15 minutes searching for my desk chair yesterday because he put it in his bedroom. I have never had any issues with someone using my things, but it seems odd that he took it without letting me know and is upset when I touch his things.
I mentioned this to him, and then he brought up the fact that he is mad that he cleaned up a counter space in the kitchen that I apparently made messy (I don’t remember if I actually did, it may have been another roommate), and when I go to look, some of his things like an empty box are still cluttering the kitchen.
He could have picked them up but cleared my alleged stuff off instead.
Am I the jerk for not sympathizing with what he wants, or is he the jerk for holding me to standards that he isn’t holding himself to?”
Another User Comments:
“He’s definitely the jerk here.
If he expects you to not touch any of his stuff, even if it’s in the way of your daily routines, then turns around and literally takes your things without asking, he’s being a controlling jerk. He’s also being a jerk by choosing not to talk to you when something has bothered him, and then he brings it up when you have an argument like it’s ammunition (because he knows the argument is going to happen due to his trashy behavior).
I would say, ‘Look, I don’t mind if you borrow my things, just ask first, and put them back when you’re done. I expect the same courtesy from you as you do from me. That means it’s fine if you don’t want me to touch your things.
Just don’t leave things in my way, and don’t get mad if I accidentally touch something if I didn’t know it was yours’.” jonny_wags
Another User Comments:
“Hypocrisy can run rampant in shared living spaces. It’s easy to see others’ messes but not your own, as well as want your things respected while not realizing that using something may inconvenience someone else.
He sounds pretty uptight and while I think it’s reasonable to expect some level of cleanliness and leaving others’ things alone- if you leave your things out, they might get touched… or broken. Maybe he should put all his things away. He should communicate his wants about cleaning before he complains.
Even if it has to be through a note or text because of your schedules. He sounds like the jerk.” wetcardboardsmell
Another User Comments:
“If I don’t want my roommate to touch my stuff, I keep it in my room. Same with her. Anything else is fair game, really (except laundry detergent and shampoo and such – we each buy our own of those).
Your roommate is the jerk for leaving his stuff all over and getting annoyed when people touch it. Then he takes your chair? Yea, he’s a jerk.” User
22. AITJ For Throwing Out My Brother-In-Law's Fiancée From Dinner?
“Some years ago my wife was injured at her job. My wife didn’t cause the situation but she was the one who was injured. She lost a limb as a result. Her company was investigated under OSHA and there was also legal trouble for them because there were major safety violations that led to what happened to my wife.
We took the payout my wife received in the aftermath to purchase a home and with the bit that was leftover, we invested for our retirement as my wife and I were in our 30s when it happened.
We are comfortable having no mortgage, no debt, and our savings but we aren’t living like we have a bottomless pit.
Our house isn’t a mansion. Our vehicles are used. We don’t have expensive clothing or unlimited vacations. Both of us still work part-time because we want to keep our resumes current, we don’t want to rely solely on the payout from what happened to my wife because that is our nest egg and frankly we both need something to do besides be at home.
What happened to my wife was traumatic beyond any words I have. I love my wife exactly how she is but both of us agree that we would trade our house and nest egg for our old shoebox studio apartment and the debt we had before if it meant my wife could go back to how she was before the injury.
The funds we got were not from something happy. Also, we have never bragged or flaunted it at anyone. Everyone knows why my wife got that moolah, there was no way to hide her injury, hospital stay, and rehabilitation but we don’t talk about it to anyone.
Even though what happened was pretty public.
My wife’s brother got engaged and we had the two of them over for dinner and drinks. His fiancée had the gall to tell my wife (and me) how lucky she was to have the accident because it got her money to be able to afford a house in an expensive market.
She further told her she would gladly chop off her own limb (the same limb my wife was missing) to have a ‘free’ house and to not have to go to work every day. I told her to leave my house because her comment was so out of line with me.
My brother-in-law got mad at me for ‘sticking my nose’ in a family argument and later I got an angry call from my in-laws because he told them I threw them out.
He did not tell them why but when I repeated his comment they said the same thing my brother-in-law said which is that she was probably just nervous and not thinking straight and that since affording a house here was impossible, her envy is understandable.
My brother-in-law wants me to apologize… The only one of my in-laws who aren’t mad at me is my wife’s oldest brother (my wife has 2 brothers and birth order is the oldest brother, engaged brother, and my wife).
So… Was I the jerk for getting involved in my wife’s familial dispute?
Normally I would never but in the heat of the moment I saw red.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This girl needs to learn how to read the room. And your house isn’t ‘free’. You pay property taxes on it every year, you pay utilities every month, you pay for maintenance and upkeep, and all the other multitude of BS that goes into owning a home.
You just happen to have 100% equity in your home.
What happened to your wife is tragic, and I am so very sorry that you both have had to go through it. Regardless of what you used the settlement for (and I feel you did very well to basically give yourselves insurance for the future, reduce your debt, etc.), it’s absolutely no one’s business to discuss.
Your wife paid a hefty price. The jerk in question clearly has no idea the sort of mental trauma that can go along with the physical trauma of losing a limb, to be so cavalier in her statement.
What’s more, it sounds like this happened a while ago, and so you most likely bought your house in a better market that wasn’t as competitive.
So she’s ignorant, and a jerk. Please don’t apologize to her. Your WIFE is your family and YOU are hers. Everyone else can butt out.” LetThemEatHay
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What happened to your wife was extremely traumatic and will impact her for the rest of her life.
It is absolutely not something that should be joked about. It may be easy to say that you would do ‘x’ for ‘x’ amount, but until you have been put in that situation yourself, there is no way to know how losing a limb would actually feel and impact your day-to-day living.
It is definitely inappropriate to joke about that to someone who has actually lived through the experience and is dealing with its effects of it every day. I would definitely talk to your wife to see how she feels about the situation though. You don’t want to cut her off or isolate her from her family if that is not what she wants.
However, I would definitely tell your BIL that you will not be apologizing to his fiancé, but that you do expect his fiancé to apologize to your wife if they don’t want the dynamics of the relationship to be ruined.” Doodle-bugg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First off, you are family, and this is your wife’s loss of limb we’re talking about, so yes, it is your business.
No amount can make up for the loss of a limb. My dad lost his leg after his doctor failed to notice that it wasn’t getting any circulation.
He was in his late 70s at the time and ended up spending his last four years in a nursing home before passing away because he was too weak to walk on the prosthetic the doctor prescribed for him; this cost my mother most of their life savings.
Had he been able at least walk on his own a little, he could have stayed at home.
Your SIL has obviously never lost a limb and doesn’t know the trauma such a loss can cause a person. All she’s thinking about is money. If this ever does happen to her, you can be assured that all she’ll want is her limb back.
So, yes, you were right to kick her out.
If she does lose a limb, I hope you treat your SIL with more compassion than she treated your wife.” ChapSteve711
21. AITJ For Getting My Teacher Fired For Making Fun Of Me During Class?
“A few weeks ago my teacher got annoyed at me during class, so he pulled up my grades (I’m falling, I have a 1.7 GPA) and started making fun of me in front of my entire class (32 students), and saying that I would never amount to anything with these grades.
I told the headmaster, and a few days ago he was laid off. I wonder if I made the right choice by telling my headmaster.
Edit: to clarify, he pulled up my grades on his computer and had it projected on the whiteboard”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A teacher is a grown-up who should be doing his job. While it can be hard, being professional as a teacher, includes not shaming kids in front, not in class. Also, I think most teachers know what they are allowed to do and what not.
Edit: Also I don’t think he just got out off because of this. I have the feeling that he may have done other stuff.” Gucci-Waffles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the teacher was completely wrong. He deserved to be let go. He was acting like a bully.
He embarrassed you in front of your peers. He was wrong on so many levels. You did the right thing by going to the headmaster. Hopefully, he won’t be able to do anything like that again. Teachers are supposed to build students up, not bring them down.” jjwslot
Instead he acted like an immature high school bully, and shamed OP in inappropriate fashion.
People like that have no business being teachers, so I'm glad he got fired.
And hopefully, he won't be hired at another school.
20. AITJ For Not Letting My Sister Borrow My Car?
“I’m 19, my sister is 32.
My parents gave my car to me at the start of my senior year of high school as my early graduation present. This was so that I could get myself to school and the like.
Finished high school since then, and I’m taking over gas and other fees for the vehicle once I get my first job (if all goes well, I should start early next month).
My older sister does not have her own vehicle because she totaled the one(s) my parents bought her.
This year my parents begged me to let my sister borrow my car for work and drive her kids to school. I obliged because I didn’t have a job at that point, so I didn’t need the car every day.
What harm could there be in it?
Well, she ends up keeping the car for almost three months. Her husband had been driving it without permission and without a license. He was buying illegal stuff in my car. My dad caught him and promptly took the car.
When I finally got it back, it was absolutely trashed. I used to clean used cars, and I’ve never seen such a disgusting interior. I cleaned out enough trash to fill three 30-gallon trash bags. Piles and piles of food and soda cans. Plates with ranch dressing and pizza rolls just sitting on the seats.
Food stains covered all my seats, which were almost spotless before. And my car had at least 5 roaches living inside. It took hours to clean.
I don’t understand how she could be so selfish. She showed no respect for a person who was allowing her to use their most expensive object.
My parents, who bend over backward to make my sister happy, recently asked me to lend my car to her again for a few days. Because she wants to take her kids to Sunday school. I outright said no.
I don’t feel bad for my sister’s sake, I feel bad because I told my parents no and they’re the ones who purchased the car.
Am I a jerk for that?”
Another User Comments:
“Well, a family is a team and you have to understand that–
No, screw that. You extended a hand once and she s**t all over it. If nothing’s changed, she’ll do it again.
You’re not the jerk here.
If you could, since she’s your sister, and her kids don’t deserve to suffer because their mom is a jerk, I’d offer to drive them, or if that’s not possible, work with her to come up with alternative arrangements, like a bus or a fellow churchgoer.
She doesn’t need the car for days to take the kids to church. And if she and her husband are committing criminal offenses in your car, then it could come back to haunt you.” User
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk. Your parents gave you the car as a gift. If they want to buy here yet another car, that is their business but a gift is a gift. They have no right to tell you what to do with it now.
Though it sounds like they are paying your bills for the car, which might give them some say, but not enough to actually take the car away.” Ontheneedles
Another User Comments:
“No, look at what happened to your car, no respect t was shown, and she went against what she said she would be using it for.
If they did it the first time they’re bound to do it a second time. And soon enough school for you is starting up again (I’m assuming at the end of summer you’ll be in college) or doing a gap year and you might need it for work or something.
I would try and please your sister after what happened. If that happened to me, I wouldn’t show any respect to that person’s family or not.” User
19. AITJ For Kicking My Brother Out Of His Apartment?
“I (23F) have been with my partner (26M) for a year and a half. When we first started going out, he was (and still is) living with his sister (30F) in a nice apartment; something they both couldn’t afford on their own. His sister decided she wanted to move out on her own, which I don’t blame her for, she’s 30 and wants her own place with privacy.
My bf can’t afford this apartment on his own and I’m a full-time student and can’t work during the school year due to the intensity of my program so I couldn’t afford to move in there either.
Currently, my brother (25M) is living in my father’s basement apartment for free (he completely mooches off my dad and has even gotten into physical altercations with him, 1 of which dad ended up in the hospital to get stitches.) Besides the point, I asked my dad if my partner and I could move into the apartment and pay him what we can afford in rent.
I already live upstairs in my dad’s home, so I would just be moving to the basement apartment and my bf would be moving from his current apartment with his sister.
My dad agreed since my brother only got the apartment because ‘he’s the oldest’ even though he couldn’t pay rent (my brother works for my dad’s company btw, and I say ‘work’ loosely because he barely ever shows up and doesn’t perform adequately).
My dad also thought it would be a good idea for my bf and me to move in together because we plan on starting a future together and this would be a perfect opportunity. Basically, my brother threw a complete fit and quit working for my dad and feels that we are taking away his privacy by making him move into my old bedroom.
From my perspective, it’s not fair to allow someone to live rent-free in an apartment while making a couple pay rent to live in one bedroom of a house. My partner and I need the space to begin our life and have our own privacy… my brother should have been planning to save and move out on his own anyway, and he feels like my dad should take care of him for the rest of his life.
If he paid rent for the apartment, I wouldn’t have even thought about taking that away from him. It would help my dad out a lot we moved in and started paying rent. Also, my bf can’t afford an apartment on his own in other apartments.
It’s just too expensive where we live. This option allows my dad to make some money as well as doesn’t make my bf live paycheck to paycheck trying to afford rent and other living expenses. The only downside is dealing with the wrath of my narcissistic brother, who feels he deserves the apartment even though he doesn’t help my dad out whatsoever.
So… am I the jerk?
Update: My brother is most likely having a psychotic break. He is non-stop calling my dad when he’s at work and when he comes home, my brother follows him around the house begging him to not take the apartment away.
He just messaged my partner on social media telling him he can’t have the apartment. He called me yesterday telling me I can’t have it. My little brother expressed his concern for my older brother since he has been staying at my house for the week (work-related.) I’m genuinely scared for my safety and my father’s safety.
Everyone is scared he’s going to become irreversibly violent. I went to the police station for advice and they told me that my dad has to start a legal eviction process and if he does anything or says anything to me that is threatening, I have to call 911 and my brother must be evaluated for his mental health.
I’m scared to even go home or be at home in case he does something to me. I knew deep down that I’m not the jerk, and everyone in my family agrees, but his anger and rage make me feel like the jerk for putting my family through this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you’re going to be miserable living in that house with your brother. He will make everyone’s life miserable, and you will regret moving in. If your dad can kick the brother out completely before you move in, it might work, but your brother will drag that process out as long as he can, and do as much damage as he can along the way.
And if you do move in after your brother leaves, you may still find it awkward to live at home again. This varies a lot with the sort of relationship you and your partner have with your father, and may not be an issue, but be sure to make clear to your dad what you do and don’t intend to do to contribute to household chores and expenses, rules you intend to follow (noise levels?
curfew?), and put all of that in writing BEFORE you move in. You should probably be clear that you intend to be a tenant, not an active part of the family unless you really want to be told to do dishes, vacuum the main house, etc, as part of your rent.” fernAlly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father is the landlord. He can determine who the tenants are, provided he follows relevant state/provincial laws regarding tenancy. His decision to switch tenants is his own, as it is yours to determine whether you wanted to move. You are offering your father reasonable payment for use of an apartment that otherwise was unprofitable.
Your brother is an adult in name only. He wants to cruise on the coattails of others through life. It won’t end well for him. He still has a chance to turn it around – though if your post is any indication, he may move onto a new host. He sounds like a parasite.
And really, no one is making him move into your old room. If he truly cared for his privacy, he wouldn’t have thrown a tantrum and quit his job. He’d fight for it and offer rent. But I guess he doesn’t care.” nikkesen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. However, we don’t know how vindictive your brother is, so I’d suggest storing your valuable/irreplaceable possessions in storage or somewhere outside of the home. Since he’ll unfortunately still be living in the same house and you can’t watch him all the time, it’s better safe than sorry.
I’d also think about getting a lock for the door to your basement apartment to keep him out.” User
18. AITJ For Asking My Parents To Pay Me Back When I Buy Them Things?
“I’m 19 and still live with my parents. I have a part-time job averaging about 25 hours a week at minimum wage. My parents will ask me occasionally (as I’m sure all parents do) to pick up milk or some groceries from the store. I don’t mind the chore, I like getting out and driving and walking around.
However, what I do mind, is when I give them the receipt from my trip, which contains all THEY wanted (if I get anything for me, I do it on a separate transaction so as to not add confusion to the bill). Then, when I ask to be paid for it, my mother gets up in arms over asking for my moolah back.
She uses arguments like, ‘Oh well, I buy you things when I’m at the store, and I don’t ask you to pay me’ or ‘When I was your age, Id buy my moms stuff because I loved my mommy so much.’, which to me doesn’t make sense seeing how I pick up what I need or ask if they want me to pay them for any groceries I put on the list.
The thing is, I wouldn’t mind if these were just snide comments, but these turn into days-long arguments over something like $11. Another factor that may play in is after my grandfather died, he left me a substantial amount to help pay for college, which my mother believes she was fooled out of.
I already have lent her about $500 with her not paying that back yet, arguing that it should’ve been hers anyway. I feel I should mention my mom is on disability and my dad works full time. I guess I want my moolah back, because I know if I don’t ask at the moment, my mother”s going to think that every time she sends me to the store I’ll just cover it and end up making my lists so much longer and more expensive since I ‘have the means to afford it anyway.’ What do you think here?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re saving easily $500 a month living with your parents and that’s only rent. If you were on your own, you’d have to buy all your food. You are definitely a jerk. If my mom asked me to get something and I demanded back, my dad would tell me to get lost and move out.
You were given a substantial amount for a free ride to college. Your parents are giving you free living space. Literally, everything in your life is being handed to you and you can’t even buy a bit of food. Being 19 is not an excuse. Paying for college is not an excuse when you’ve been gifted it already.
Think of it as rent. Your rent is picking up a few things every once in a while for your parents and paying for it out of pocket. It’s not going to bankrupt you.******* up.” subtle_nirvana92
Another User Comments:
“You received an inheritance that your mother felt entitled to.
This is the crux of the problem. As long as you live with her rent-free this is going to continue. You love your mother but would like to have a real future with perhaps a career or gainful employment of some kind, maybe even do something you love.
She has a bleak future to look forward to. The moolah would soften and smooth that a bit, but her trajectory is not going to change. Your grandfather took a look at the situation and placed a bet on the future – YOU.
You are a jerk, but not for the reasons you think.
You are behaving like a child. You need to grow up and realize that adults routinely have to make difficult decisions filled with conflict.
You’re 19. It’s time to become an adult. As an adult, you have several options:
Move out. All your expenses are your own but you won’t be bothered by this behavior.
Make a deal with your Mom to pay rent, share utilities, whatever. She’s clearly financially disadvantaged, plus she resents that you received an inheritance when she feels she is more in need. This was the grandfather’s choice, and it’s not a bad one, but you are the one who has to deal with the consequences, not him.
Give up the inheritance to your mother and continue the way things were before you inherited, but expect your family to toss the whole chunk away in no time. The behavior will stop – for a little while. It will of course return when the moolah runs out, but hopefully, by then you will be earning enough to get to #1 or #2.
The inheritance is off the table.
Option #1 gets you fully clear, but at reduced inheritance due to the expenses. However, if you can do this at a lower cost than #2, there’s no reason to stick around. #2 gets you partially clear but you must goal-tend your inheritance because they’re never going to stop trying to nibble away pieces of it – after all, she feels entitled and is uninterested in YOUR future, but hers looms uncertain and painful.
#3 is essentially full surrender. Don’t do it unless there’s a gun to your head.” supershinythings
Another User Comments:
“No, I don’t think you are the jerk. The whole not paying rent argument and your inheritance argument are separate issues. They need to be dealt with separately and not have everything lumped together.
If they feel that you should be contributing to the finances while you are living there they need to have that discussion with you and let you know their expectations. They should not be bringing that up every time they ask you to run an errand for them.
Otherwise, it is going to get real muddy as to what exactly you are contributing.
Being detailed with your transactions is going to help you as you go through life.” User
For all the people calling you entitled and selfish, screw them. Yes you live there rent free but I assume that was an arrangement that you made with your parents, especially while you go to college. As for your mother countering that she buys you things- that is something that parents do for their children. It sounds like the main issue is that your mother didn't get much or any inheritance. Use yours for it's intended purpose and don't give her any. She will only want more. To prevent any future arguments ask for money before you go grocery shopping. There is nothing wrong with paying for items you want, what's selfish is her wanting you to pay for their items all the time too. I would also find someone at your school to talk to about low income student housing. Also start saving as much money as you can so that you can move out on your own asap. And maybe have a sit down with BOTH parents to see the expectations from both of them. There is a chance your dad had no idea what your mom is doing....
And for the record I'm an adult in my 30s, not a young adult.
17. AITJ For Wanting To Divorce My Wife Who Married Me For Green Card?
“I’m going through a separation with a woman who turned out to be a witch and didn’t really show her true colors until she landed a job.
We got married abroad (international relationship). We came back to Canada last summer, she got her spouse Visa in the fall, and she got a job in spring.
Then right after she got the job, she wants a separation.. ‘to get to know herself better or some nonsense.’ Now she’s been freaking out and going over the top.
She’s really shown her true colors. I see her on Friday before work, then not again until Sunday night. I’m sick of this nonsense.
Now, the part that may give me power/make me a jerk. A part of her Visa stipulates that we MUST live together for 2 years after arriving (and getting her Visa).
It hasn’t even been a year. I don’t think she knows this. I told her well before we came to Canada, maybe she forgot. If I report her (or anyone does) she risks losing her Visa and getting deported back to her home country.
BUT, On the other hand, if I DON’T report her or whatever, I am financially responsible for her for 3 years (which would make sense for a happily married couple…) but I don’t want to be in that position.
We haven’t even been married for 2 years yet.
So, I’m all for the divorce. She’s a witch, she’s trying to ruin my life now, and I (at the very least) don’t want to be on the hook for this woman…
What do I do!?!
EDIT
Basically, our relationship started out with a lot of trust issues. Communication was always a bit of a problem, seeing we had different first languages. She lied to me about seeing a guy at a bar, it was innocent, but the fact she had to lie and never apologized about it was rather disappointing.
Fast forward, we get married (things are not perfect, but no signs of major cracks). She stops being intimate with me, doing basic chores, just ‘existing’ but all the while criticizing me. I suggest we go to counseling (for the third time. When I brought it up before, she was aggressive and hesitant but claimed that she was willing to go so long as I did all the leg work (basically she said she’d show up).
We did go (after arriving in Canada) and showed no willingness to work together and try. She refused to communicate with me, and tell me what she is feeling. She says she wants to stop wearing her wedding ring (now that she finally found a job).
She said it was because it was ‘uncomfortable’ or didn’t want a tan line (since it was spring/summer). When finally I got it out of her, it was she wanted a separation.
And so, here we are today. Her neglect of our intimacy (and my inability to cope with it..?) and our terrible communication lead to the destruction of our marriage.
If she married me only to come to Canada… then Idk what to do. I just don’t want to get into anything terrible.
As an aside, I have spoken to our immigration lawyer who we used to process her Visa. He said she’d face immigration charges, but neither of us should have criminal charges.
And (although he doesn’t handle divorce) because of our situation, the divorce proceedings should be super simple. He said we could do it ourselves. Still going to get a second opinion from a divorce lawyer.”
Another User Comments:
“Obviously, you are not the jerk. By your description, you haven’t done or contemplated doing a single jerk-ish thing.
This isn’t even a matter for debate; this question shouldn’t be here.
You aren’t living a normal marriage by any understanding of the word, in law, or common parlance. If she’s playing away all weekend then just ditch her, talk to a lawyer, get a separation and divorce, and let the immigration laws in your country work their course.
But no, you’re not the jerk in any respect. Take it to an online community about relationships or something if you want some real advice.” ConorYEAH
Another User Comments:
“Just curious… What made you marry her? How long had you known her?
I agree with others here that, yes, you should lawyer up and divorce and let the chips fall where they may for her.
I don’t think this makes you a jerk.
But I’m not sure you’re not a jerk (our at least a bit relationship-challenged) in general. This sounds vaguely ‘mail order bride’ -ish. Were you not at all worried she was using you in the first place?” smnytx
Another User Comments:
“After you talk to the lawyer you may also wish to have a private investigator follow her around. The secretive and combative behavior you’re describing has a certain familiar taint about it. It doesn’t sound like you have an open marriage by mutual agreement.
I’m betting that you’re not going to find her at the library reading to blind people. She may already have a little something else going on the side. Could be another guy/girl, could be substance use, could even be both, or it could be something else that completely surprises you in either a good or a bad way.” supershinythings
She definitely used you to get to Canada. Get the divorce settled fast and report her immediately so she gets sent back. Like others have suggested she probably has someone on the side. She will jump ship to them the second the divorce goes through so she can stay in country. Or maybe she isn't smart enough to think of that. Either way a marriage is based on trust and it sounds like you guys didn't have that, even from the start.
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Play Nice With My Mother-In-Law On My Birthday?
“This woman has been nothing but horrible to me all 13 years I have been with her son. She recently had a big fight with him after she offered to take our daughters for a couple of hours so we could do lunch together on my birthday and then canceled the next day because she had plans (which apparently is going somewhere to pick out plants, and that can’t wait another minute).
She is always disrespectful to me, and claims we use her grandchildren against her (we never have, no matter how much she angers me, she doesn’t see them because she doesn’t make the time).
My husband expects me to go downstairs, smile, and accept a birthday gift from her after she has been talking trash about me all week.
I am not supposed to know about any of it, but even if I didn’t, she has been incredibly rude to me for a long time. I don’t want to put up with her. I really don’t have it in me when she has been so awful, especially lately.
She wants to see the kids, fine. I don’t even want her in my house. I don’t want anything from her.
To top it all off, I am experiencing vertigo for the first time in my life. I don’t have the ability to handle her right now.
I usually shut up and just put up with her, but I think it is pretty unfair of him to allow her here today. Now we have to wait for her to come before we can do anything else. I have to deal with her as long as she wants to be here.
I am very upset over it and my husband won’t even hear me out. He told me to be a big girl and******* up. I have been doing that for 13 years. I am at my wit’s end with this woman.
I am a complete jerk for not wanting to go and play nice while she is here?
She is always rude to me, and yet I am the immature one for not wanting her to be near me on this one day?!”
Another User Comments:
“I’m probably not the best one when it comes to judging family problems (mostly because I’ve cut off most of my family myself) but it really comes down to a simple decision, IMHO.
If this is going to cause you more stress down the line with your husband (meaning the arguments that will follow if you don’t give your mother in law the time of day) then just******* up like he suggested and deal with her, even though it’s your birthday.
But if you think this is a good opportunity to launch your well-deserved campaign against her and you are ready to wage war, I say kudos to you. It’s always been my personal opinion that a family that doesn’t treat you well doesn’t deserve to be family.
You chose your husband, you did not choose his mother. I know of plenty of families where MOLs don’t interact with their daughter’s in-laws. You would just be one of the many. Good luck!” snuffyboots
Another User Comments:
“You’ve been putting up with her terrible attitude for 13 years?
Did you know your husband was a mama’s boy before you married him?
I’ve been in your situation, and I thought it would change. My first and second husbands’ mothers (this is my third husband; this one’s for keeps) hated me for no reason at all until I gave them each their first grandchild.
Then they loved me. For a couple of months. Then they criticized my parenting.
Your husband should tell his mother to back off, but if he hasn’t yet I don’t think he will. Telling you to be a big girl and******* up is not what a man should be saying to his wife.
He should be loyal to you, his wife, and the mother of his children.” Diarygirl
Another User Comments:
“For the sake of discussion, I’m going to have to accept your judgment that she’s always being a disrespectful jerk where you are concerned, and you are not, although this seems like a suspiciously one-sided and detail-free recounting of the story.
But, if it’s accurate that you have borne years of terrible fate because hubby thinks his mom has the right to be a rude jerk, and you currently don’t want to interact with her to help her keep up the ruse that she treats you like a human being, then no, you’re definitely not the jerk.
The fact that you continue to get stuck attempting to be civil is often another layer of the underworld that emotional abusers use to their advantage.” flignir
15. AITJ For Expecting My Friend To Replace My Broken Flat Iron?
“I loaned my flat iron to a friend Wednesday, asked Thursday why her hair wasn’t flat yet, and told her I didn’t want to keep wearing my hair up, and she said she’d bring it to work Friday.
Instead, she forgot it. ok, that’s fine, just bring it Monday.
I got a text last night that my flat iron won’t turn on.
Here’s where I need perspective-AITJ for expecting her to replace my flat iron?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re definitely not a jerk here for expecting her to replace it, if someone borrows something and breaks it then they should replace it.
That being said, that’s the reason why you shouldn’t loan people things unless you’re fine with them being broken and not having them be replaced by the person.
She is definitely the jerk if she doesn’t give you or get you a new one, but in the future try not to just loan things to people unless you’re fine with not getting it back.” Dert_
Another User Comments:
“I wouldn’t say you’re the jerk but my policy for lending someone something is always don’t lend something of a necessity. Odds are anything you lend won’t be returned at all or in the condition you gave it.” User
Another User Comments:
“I’d get it back to see if she was doing anything wrong. If there’s anything obviously broken that was her doing or she admits she broke it I would ask her to pay for it. But if it seems like it just pooped out I wouldn’t ask for any coins.
It happens.” MaskedSociopath
Like the last user commented get it back and inspect it first. If she is at fault then ask for her to replace it. There is nothing wrong with that expectation.
14. AITJ For Being Mad At My Partner When She Talks About My Attractive Friend?
“So I’m with a girl.
She’s really cool. She is hot, funny, and clever. We’ve been a thing for like a month or so now.
however,
She often talks about my friends and how she finds them hot. I hate it. I hate it so much. I’ve told her I don’t like it. I feel like it’s just inconsiderate of my feelings.
Am I being sensitive and a bit controlling, or is she the jerk?
I do not do the same thing. She used to get super upset if I called anyone else pretty, even celebrities. She mostly does this sort of thing when she’s mad at me for anything.”
Another User Comments:
“She’s being a jerk. She’s doing something you’ve told her you don’t like, and she keeps doing it.
It’s inconsiderate. It might be some sort of coded way to tell you she’d like it if you dressed this way, or acted like that, but still, it’s a total manipulation.
It looks like she’s trying to push your buttons, and succeeding.” User
Another User Comments:
“That’s some manipulative nonsense right there. Attacking your partner when they’ve angered you is the exact opposite reaction you should have. I’m assuming by your post that you and your SO are young, and this is why this sort of immaturity hasn’t been fully addressed yet.
This well-he-didn’t-bring-me-flowers-on-our-two-week-anniversary-so-I’m-going-to-tell-him-that-Juan-makes-me-excited nonsense only ever serves to harm a relationship. Address it. Now. She’s likely insecure and lashing out. Understandable, but unacceptable. This has less to do with you being controlling and more to do with poor communication.
Also, no, not the jerk. Seriously, address this, or I guarantee you’re in for months of garbage before you two finally break it off.” missshrimptoast
13. AITJ For Uninviting My Best Friend From My Birthday Plans?
“So I’m planning on doing an NYC thing for my birthday this summer. I want to go have fun, drink, party, go clubbing, etc. I don’t do this often and have never gone clubbing so I thought this would be a great chance to make some new memories/experiences.
My best friend isn’t into that stuff. She doesn’t want to drink or go clubbing and I’m completely fine with that. I know it’s not her vibe so I would never force her to do it. She’d rather just stay in and relax.
But I invited some other friends who are down to do all the things I want to do.
They are a little older than us and are completely understanding if my best friend didn’t want to drink or go clubbing. I already told them beforehand that it’s not her scene and they were all cool with it.
But my best friend is saying that she’d be embarrassed if she was the only one to stay behind when the rest of us drink or go clubbing.
I told her repeatedly that nobody else cares at all if she wants to stay in and not drink with us.
I even planned for me and her to go earlier than everyone else and get a room for just the two of us so we could do what we’d typically do (relax, meditate, walk, etc).
She also loves being alone and I thought it’d be a nice opportunity for her to spend some alone time in the Airbnb while the rest of us left to go out.
When I suggested all these plans to her, she immediately turned them down and said she wouldn’t feel comfortable.
I was annoyed tbh because I want my best friend there and I made all these plans to compromise and do what she’d prefer but she still said no.
I don’t want her to show up in NYC and just not have a good time.
The last thing I want is for people to not have fun and be uncomfortable. So I told her she doesn’t have to come to NYC at all and that we’ll do something else just me and her another time. And quite frankly, I don’t want to be stuck having to make sure she’s having fun while making sure everyone else does too.
I know if she comes I’m gonna spend most of my time worrying about her and that’s not gonna be fun for me.
I want her to be included but if she’s not open to it, I don’t want her there. so, AITJ for uninviting her to my birthday plans?”
Another User Comments:
“You would definitely not be the jerk due to how accommodating you are being, but as is the case with many situations on the sub, she definitely would think you were a jerk if you completely uninvited her. A lot of times, that is more important than whether or not you are in the wrong.
Still not sure what you are supposed to do considering you have been more than supportive of what she wants, but it seems like she would take being uninvited very harshly.” hereforagoodtime_not
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your birthday! You should do what you want and not try to accommodate others.
You shouldn’t have to worry about other people’s happiness on your special day! Go have fun and happy early birthday OP!!!” Dilly_Dally05
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but rather than uninviting her, tell her the plan and that you realize it’s not really her thing so you won’t be upset if she doesn’t feel up to it.
That may soften the blow for her.” LordofToomay
12. Is My Friend The Jerk For Hanging Out With His Exes?
“So, my best friend has maintained friendships with all of his exes, and his current significant other is not a fan of this.
I know and she knows however he is 100% loyal to her; he’s the most genuine and well-mannered person I’ve met and to lie would be just so out of character I’d out rule it all together. HOWEVER, he does not see why his SO now is upset when he said to her that he was going to stop by his ex’s after class to catch up.
I want to find out if you are on my side here and think he’s kind of a jerk for still hanging out with his exes/telling his current girl about seeing or talking to his exes because it clearly bothers her has since they started going out.”
Another User Comments:
“He’s not a jerk for still being friends with his exes, but it sounds like he is a jerk for ignoring how his SO feels about it. He is allowed to hang out with whoever he wants to, since it is his life, but if his girl has directly expressed that she is uncomfortable with him hanging out with his exes, he still continues to do it without having a discussion with her about the situation, he is a jerk.
Edit – your friend really should sit down and have a conversation with his girl about this” fifthpilgrim
Another User Comments:
“I can’t really say because I don’t know all the information based on this post, but I wouldn’t be OK with it. My ex and I were together 4 years ago and remained great friends – zero hookups since the breakup and his new SO asked him to cut me off.
He did, for two weeks, then started messaging me again. I love him, but I respect him enough to not cause any tension in his new relationship so I have not responded to him once since the initial conversation about it. Having a close friend who is an ex doesn’t seem unreasonable, but being in contact with all of his exes seems a bit odd to me.
That emotional connection exes have with each other would be unsettling for anyone I think. He should respect that, unless she controls other parts of his life or friendships, then they have real trust issues.” ronniejean1
Another User Comments:
“It’s very simple: If you know somebody doesn’t want you to do something and then you do it anyway, you’re a jerk.
That’s it.
The dude is ignoring his SO’s stated wishes for him not to do a thing because he says he doesn’t understand it. Come on! If you don’t understand then ask her, don’t ignore it, and do what you want anyway.” CrabFlab
11. AITJ For Not Wanting My TV To Be In The Living Room?
“I use my TV as my main computer monitor, though, admittedly, I have other monitors as well.
The TV is HD and I like it. I like having a TV in my room, and even though one of our other roommates has his smaller TV in the living room, I don’t really use it.
Early on one of my roommates asked if we could keep my TV in the living room and I apologized and said that I prefer to have it in my room.
I’ve lived alone for a few years and I honestly just prefer to have my things in my room, my sanctuary.
I did donate the couch and coffee table to the living room though. Am I the jerk for not wanting my TV to be shared?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely not the jerk here. It’s your TV, and you use it for a personal primary purpose. There’s already a TV in the living room, and if they don’t like it, then they can either ask you to chip in to buy a new one or get one themselves.
A TV is an expensive thing to suddenly not have control over, and I doubt they’d be willing to give it up at a moment’s notice for you to do your computing on.” pharmasweaves
Another User Comments:
“Not at all. You are absolutely in the right here.
I have lived with many roommates and have been in the same situation and twice have been the only roommate with a TV. In one of those instances I put the TV in a common area but the other time it wasn’t an issue as the other roommate was rarely around.
Let them buy a TV if it’s that important.” User
Another User Comments:
“I’ve had roommates where we didn’t even have a TV in the living room. People either used their ROKU or Netflix or something in their rooms. When we got cable we decided to chip in and buy a TV for the living room.
Then we decided that if a roommate moved out the other two would buy them out of their TV share. We made a fixed cost for TV shares, I think it was $75 a person. Anyways, I don’t think anyone was the jerk here. You said you didn’t want to put your TV in the living room after they asked (I’m assuming nicely) and you apologized.” kennerly
10. AITJ For Using The Fridge At Work The Same Way That Everyone Does?
“I work in an office of 4 people. Two employees, one boss, and the boss’ lackey. There is a big, family-sized fridge in the kitchen area that is–at most–1/3 full with everyone’s stuff. Some of us like the same things, like single-serve (12 oz) bottles of diet soda, but nobody labels their stuff or steals because we all know what we brought in, and if we can’t tell the difference between one bottle or another, we don’t take more than we brought, and everything evens out.
So today, I open one of two absolutely full bottles of diet soda and don’t think I heard much of a fizz but didn’t think much of it and had a sip. It was really flat (but still well within its date) and clearly had been opened weeks ago.
So I pour it out and drink the other one… which was clearly mine. But I start asking people what was up because I want to notify whoever’s drink I wasted, and was curious why they opened a bottle, drank absolutely nothing, and left it in the fridge.
Turns out the boss drank half of one a month ago and then told his lackey to put it back on the fridge. Lackey does this, and some days later, the boss started another bottle and told him to refrigerate the half that’s left. The lackey poured them both into the same bottle and left it there with no label to save space.
And it sat for weeks before I got to it. Now, the lackey is annoyed at me for throwing away the boss’ drink. I’m annoyed at him for leaving a mixture of two different days of backwash looking like a brand new drink in a community fridge, and I’m not willing to replace it because it was garbage before I opened it, and there’s no reason to be combining half-empty bottles and risking confusion.
Am I the jerk?!”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not a jerk and it’s reasonable to have been a bit annoyed by this but, after voicing that it should be the end of it. Let’s be honest, it is a fairly trivial and clearly isolated incident.
It would be a jerk move to get too hung up on it.” Missing_Link
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, I think you’re a bit of a jerk. I would’ve given the person whose it was a heads up before throwing it away, honestly, and drinking the other soda.
Also, why would you drink something that was already open?” Syc4more
9. AITJ For Not Going To My Cousin's Dress-Fitting?
“My cousin is getting married in 2 months and wants me to go to the dress fitting.
She went to my dress fitting 3 years ago, and I do want to go to hers. The only difference is she is a 6-hour drive away now, during my wedding she only had to travel 2 hours. I told her if she would meet me at the same place I went to I would go (2 hours for me, 4 hours for her), but she said no and she already had a place near her home picked out.
She was the maid of honor at my wedding and helped out with everything a lot. I don’t want to let her down, because she would have to do the fitting alone or with her fiancé. I just feel like that’s too far to travel for a fitting.
I mean I will still go to the wedding in two months. I did tell her to send pictures though so I can at least help that way. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Is there a way she could do the fitting on like a Friday so you would stay the weekend instead of having to turn around and drive 6 hours back?
I don’t think you’re the jerk for not wanting to drive 6 hours. I don’t think she’s the jerk for wanting to use a place closer to her home. And I don’t think she’s the jerk for wanting you there. It sounds like you guys are close.
I think it’s just an awful situation all around. Hopefully, she won’t hold it against you. Maybe you can Skype while she’s shopping? That’s what we did for my friend’s wedding so her soon-to-be in-laws could ‘be there’.” User
Another User Comments:
“I would say this is too close to call: Since she already went to your wedding and fitting it is almost like you ‘owe her’ but the circumstances are different now.
I would say you go but maybe make a weekend trip out of it, don’t just go into town to see her in a dress then leave. Honestly, it’s a friendship thing if y’all are close enough to say ‘Hey I just can’t do 6 hours’ then that’s fine.
If you think she will be truly upset by it then time for a road trip.
Source: Single 24yr old male with no knowledge of wedding dresses” dnarmasci
Another User Comments:
“6 hours is too long for a dress fitting, tell her, sorry you can’t make it.
Dress shopping and dress fittings are 2 varying levels of importance anyways. I would say don’t go.” k4yteeee
8. AITJ For Getting My Dad To Pack His Own Lunch For Tomorrow?
“My mum is away on holiday for a while leaving my father to tend to three teenage boys. Today during dinner he was saying how we have to be more responsible and that we are getting older so it’s time to ‘step up.’ The topic of lunch tomorrow comes up and he mentions something about the frozen curries my mum had prepared before she left. Since they are frozen solid and in individual serving pouches I ask him if he can take them out of the freezer when he gets up at 5 compared to me at 7 to defrost during the morning and not be frozen when I try to microwave them at morning tea.
He simply says no and says I should set an alarm and be responsible. This was pretty frustrating since he would literally be awake and it takes 10 seconds to take the curry out of the freezer.
Anyway later on I’m cleaning the kitchen and ask him to take his sausages away so I can clean the pan.
He asks me to do it and I say ‘Can’t you do it? You’re capable’. Storming downstairs he tells me I am behaving pathetically and should be ashamed of myself. How I am so close-minded and many more things. I got him to sort his own lunch out to prove a point but I doubt he made that connection.
So, am I the jerk?”‘
Another User Comments:
“There are two (actually four) separate issues going on here:
1. The simple request you asked of him with the food in the freezer
2. The simple request you asked of him with the sausages
The freezer request is something that happens in general human interactions like ‘Do you have a pen I could use for a second?’ or ‘Could you check the mail while you are taking out the trash?’ which are simple things done on goodwill which are jerk-ish to turn down.
However, if your dad was too busy, running late, or had forgotten about taking the food out of the freezer you take that in stride, just like you would if someone was using their only pen to take notes and so refused to give it to you or if it started pouring down with rain so you didn’t stop to check the letterbox.
You responded to your dad’s refusal to do the simple goodwill request by refusing a similar gesture. The thing is that you were being antagonistic about it, and this brought things ahead. I think that’s a bit jerkish, honestly.
I also think your dad’s response was over the top.
He could have easily said ‘With the time and energy it’s taken you to ask me to do that, you could have had it done already’ or ‘We can make a running tally of how much each of us contributes to this house, but if I were you I wouldn’t play that card’ and it would have adjusted the power relationship you have into something more in line with what he’s expecting of you without the need to fly off the handle.
But behind that are two other issues. Three actually, but let me deal with the next two like I said I would:
The issue for your dad is that he’s trying to ‘teach’ you to be independent by pulling the rug out from under you.
You aren’t going to learn any special skills or gain extra responsibility by getting up a 5 to defrost your food. His uncompromising approach doesn’t solve anything and all it does is erode the goodwill between you. He could use that favor as an opener/leverage to ask you to do something that needs to be done (e.g. ‘Alright, just make sure that you pick up the dog poop in the yard tomorrow afternoon’ or ‘Sure, but remember that tomorrow is your night for the dishes’).
He could have also told you that if you put the frozen food into the fridge at least 24 hours before you intend to eat it, it will be defrosted but it will also keep for a few days because you are keeping it within a safe temperature range, thus teaching you a lesson in planning ahead, in food safety, and also reaffirming your autonomy and responsibility for yourself.
Then there is your response to his refusal. You escalated the situation. That’s not a good idea, especially when you’re living at home and relying on your parents one way or another. You can play tit-for-tat with him and you will lose.
Last of all, based purely on what you’ve said, including your dad’s behavior, it seems to me that your mom going away without your dad and your dad’s sudden reaction that you ‘need to stop relying on him’/’you need to learn how to take care of yourself’ sort of attitude speaks to something deeper again — your parents are probably going through a rough patch.
I suspect that they might be having a breakdown in communication, and maybe that divorce is being considered. That would explain your dad’s sudden shift in attitude and both of the overreactions that you mentioned. Or it could be something else like his job being threatened. Whatever the case, I think that your dad is grappling with something that threatens the fundamental stability of your family and I can assure you that now is not the right time to go picking fights with a family member who is going through a difficult patch.” Buffalo__Buffalo
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know what your particular home situation is, but if you 4 men are constantly leaning on your mom for things (housekeeping stuff, I mean) then I can see how your dad might be worried that he doesn’t have the time to handle this stuff while your mom’s away.
He probably brainstormed ‘Dad ideas’ of how to turn this to his benefit and use this as a real-life audition. There’s no nice way to start preparing you for living on your own, he probably thinks he’s doing you a favor. I don’t think you’re a jerk in this situation, for objecting to additional work at the last minute, and I don’t think he’s a jerk for suggesting it.” snuffyboots
Another User Comments:
“You’re being childish, a bit jerkish. I mean keep in mind that you have and continue to live off of him and your mother your entire life. One day, you won’t live off them and you’ll have a place of your own, and when that day comes you’ll have to do all these things on your own.
And it’s so easy as a kid to say ‘oh by that time I’ll be fine to do it’ because you see adults do it and just assume that it’s something that ‘clicks’ one day, but it’s not. You have to learn at some point and it’s better to learn now than when you’re on your own.
But with that said,
‘…He tells me I am behaving pathetically and should be ashamed of myself. How I am so close-minded and many more things’
I mean that’s childish as well. He could have just explained that you need to learn to do these things, but he resulted in petty insults and getting personal. So no one’s really taking the high road in this one.” Ultra-ChronicMonstah
I'm betting that HE relies on mom to everything.
Teaching your kids to be responsible is one thing but not taking the food out of the freezer and telling you to get up 2 hours early is ridiculous
7. AITJ For Reacting To Daughter's Disrespect?
“Daughter 30, married with two small babies, I adore and have helped out more than any other family member. Enjoyed every second so was not a chore.
The daughter lost her one-day-a-week job as a hairdresser but having a disability receives benefits each week plus her husband is self-employed and doing well.
I am a single-income family with one son still at home and times are tough sometimes.
Decide after Christmas to seek alternative employment, to have more sociable hours, and with a wage increase.
So one of the jobs I applied for and never expected to hear from rings me and schedules an interview, I am over the moon, elated and in disbelief,
I message my daughter and she replies and goes ‘NO’ and I respond what? She says she knows what I’m going to ask, am going to ask her to do my hair for me, which she always does I might add.
I ask why not and explained I have an important interview and she says she isn’t begging for payment of €40 for my hair because I didn’t pay last time.
She’s right I didn’t, I genuinely forgot. I had paid all the other times this was a total oversight which I told her.
She claimed she had reminded me 4 times which is complete rubbish, she said it once and I had brought the money to a family meal to give to her but then I had to use the moolah to pay for my niece’s meal which she knew about.
She made me feel like something on the sole of her shoe the way she spoke to me and I told her that, plus that I am sick of how she treated me like a second-rate citizen unless she wants me to do something.
That was 7 weeks ago now, she hasn’t blocked me on social media but has me ignoring her because I did make an effort to reach out, she was part of giving gifts to her mother-in-law for Mothers day, gave my mother flowers and a card from her and the kids.
I didn’t even get a text.
For Easter, I got the kids two fab gifts. She accepted them from my son who gave them to her while I was outside and totally ignored the fact I was there and didn’t say as much as thank you, which to me is basic manners.
So in a nutshel,l she is ignoring me for me reacting to her disrespect. she is such a nice person to everyone else I just seem to be the one who does most for her but she disrespects me. I am now at the point where I am not even going to bother with her anymore.
Mother’s day was the nail in the heart if we had had a major bust-up I’d understand but it was her being horrible to me that caused it yet I’m being punished.
Am I the jerk for reacting or is she for not just reminding me I decently owed her the money instead of being so nasty about it?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She’s not your daughter who is a hairdresser when you ask her to do your hair, she’s a hairdresser that you’re employing. And she’s barely charging you. She has every right to refuse service when she doesn’t feel like she will actually get paid.
Yes, she’s your daughter, that has nothing to do with you getting your hair done. That’s her business, it’s the only way she brings in funds to her own household so she doesn’t want to work on people that might forget the small payment she asks.
Makes total sense to me. Your reaction doesn’t. You are her CLIENT, which she no longer wants to work on. Her becoming a hairdresser does not make her immediately required to be your personal one. You owe her a huge apology for undermining the career that she’s been striving for.” IJustTalkLoud
Another User Comments:
“I’m leaning towards ‘everyone sucks here.’ First off, when she told you she wouldn’t do your hair and her reason for it: was it really disrespectful, or did she just set a firm boundary that you don’t like? A lot of times, parents will see their kids setting boundaries as ‘disrespectful’ because it’s not the response we wanted, but in reality, it wasn’t actual disrespect.
It’s not unreasonable for her to not want to do her profession for free, and setting that boundary isn’t disrespectful. It’s disrespectful to herself if she didn’t!
As far as the ignoring you bit, I can’t argue that that’s crappy of her, it is pretty rude and mean and she needs to get her head out of her a*s on that one.
The mothers day thing was a total ah-move IMO. But in her eyes, she probably feels justified. I’d feel like you saw me as a free hairdresser and that’d annoy me. She could definitely go about it in a more mature way, though.” Zestyclose-Hour8614
Another User Comments:
“YTJ… sounds like you STILL owe her 40$ and haven’t paid her back.
While I personally would never charge my own mother for my services, it appears you agreed to pay her and you have failed to pay her. When she told you why she refused to help you, this was your chance to say ‘oh gosh, I’m so sorry, you are totally right, I absolutely have not paid you for last time’ and then immediately send over 40$ (or euro, whatever).” ricecrispy22
Another User Comments:
“I’m leaning ‘everyone sucks here.’ She isn’t disrespectful for refusing to do your hair, especially as you didn’t pay last time. You need to get the amount you owe her to her asap. I think if anything, you’ve been disrespectful here.
I doubt you’d think this was acceptable if it was a hairdresser who wasn’t a friend/family member.
But her ignoring you… there’s surely more to this? Do you talk to her aside from asking her for things? It’s interesting that when you messaged she knew it’d be about your hair.” happybanana134
6. AITJ In A Series Of Events That Caused My Coworker To Quit?
“I’ve worked at a place for about two years. Recently a new girl came in for training. Very cute girl. Unfortunately, I usually tend to go out with ‘girls I work with’ despite the old advice that you shouldn’t do that at all.
This is one of the two things in the story that I just can’t help myself with. So she sees me every day for a couple of weeks. We talk a lot. She’s older and I’m told I should date older women because people my age are kind of just how young people tend to be.
I tell her there’s an event in town after work and she should come to it with me. She agrees to meet me there. We listen to some music and drink. I’ve run into another friend there who encourages me to go home with the girl.
The girl invites me to another party ‘near’ her place. I’m surprised to find out this wasn’t a hook. There was in fact another party… A very hippie/flower child whatever kind of party.
This is not my thing so I drink my drink and try to keep my mouth shut.
We work for a corporation so this was highly unexpected. Eventually, she says she’s bored and wants to go home. We are both quite intoxicated but her house isn’t far. It’s important to note I’ve left my car in town.
So we’re at her house and at every turn, she’s just mildly bringing up these topics and I’m just lightly batting them out of the way while we drink our beverages.
I am in her house. I am in her house. I am in her house. A slow debate begins to form. I am now in her bedroom. The discussion is heating up. I’m on her bed and finally, I can’t control my pride anymore. The passively one-sided discussion of Mother Earth and hippie stuff has become a full-on argument in about 5 minutes.
We stop talking and go outside. Nothing happened. We’re drinking and I quote a book or something stupid and ill-advised and she says ‘You can’t even think for yourself you have to use authors to back you up?’ She is angry and I just can’t help myself.
I have to continue to argue and continue to come off as pretentious and finally just shrug her off. So it is clear to me this night cannot be saved.
I finish my drink, she offers to get me back to my car. We stop at a gas station.
She tells me to get out. I do. I walk a mile and a half to my car at midnight. Screw her I think, but, understandably, I was being a jerk by the end of it.
I come to work Monday. She doesn’t come by the desk (obviously).
A week goes by and I see her once. I say hey, she says hey. I don’t apologize. By next Monday she is gone.”
Another User Comments:
“To me, you’re probably not a jerk for her quitting, unless you made work so uncomfortable for her, that she felt like she had to quit.
What’s jerkish about all this is you being unnecessarily confrontational about her beliefs. It sounds like she’s just a hippy-dippy type of person and you had a big problem with that. Why not just call it a night and leave amicably? It feels like you were being confrontational for no reason, like, you had to be right, you know?
Anyway, probably not a jerk for her quitting, but definitely a jerk on the date.” jonny_wags
Another User Comments:
“She’s an adult. She decided to quit. Neither of you is a jerk, you’re just both unprofessional with her more than you.” Anon9742
Another User Comments:
“You should not go out with older women, as this instance illustrates. You’re incapable of having a polite conversation with someone that has different beliefs that most likely wanted to hook up with you. You might not be a jerk (I think you are) but you’re awful at seeing women.” nsgiad
5. AITJ For Not Saying Goodbye To My Ex?
“A few weeks ago my then-partner confessed that she sneaked behind my back (repeatedly). At first, I thought we could make it work but soon realized that it was hopeless, so I broke up with her.
She’s been very apologetic and trying almost everything to keep some kind of contact with me.
At first, I agreed but later changed my mind after truly thinking about what I wanted.
We decided to keep living together for a little longer because she was already applying for a job in a different city and would move out soon anyway.
These last weeks have been tough for me because I didn’t want to see her face anymore and still had to every day.
I’m so happy that she’s finally moving out next week. She told me the day she will move and I’m considering just going to a friend’s place after work so I won’t be there when she leaves.
I know that she expects some kind of goodbye, one last hug or anything but I really don’t want that.
I just want to go on with my life and never see her again.
Am I the jerk if I just stay at a friend’s place that day and don’t come home to say goodbye?
We’ve been living together for 6 years and became a couple for the last 4.5 years.”
Another User Comments:
“No, you’re not a jerk, you’re hurt and angry.
But, if I were you, I would go, for two reasons. First, you might not want closure, but you might need it. Second, she might take your stuff. Maybe something small. Maybe not even maliciously, like a can opener.
And two weeks later, you want to open up canned corn, and bam. The girl didn’t just break your heart, she took your can opener. Little things put you in bad places.” User
Another User Comments:
“It doesn’t make you a jerk, no. But that doesn’t mean I disagree.
Goodbyes and closure are important for moving on. I think if you don’t say goodbye, you’ll regret it. You probably don’t think you will, and there’s a chance you won’t.
But everyone I’ve known with a story like this has confessed that they wished they’d said goodbye.
I’ve been fooled by a previous significant other. It’s not that terrible over time if you just write it off. I think you should do it for yourself, and if you’re trying to punish her by withholding goodbyes then THAT makes you the jerk.” amaresnape
Another User Comments:
“Honestly I would say yes. Even though she sneaked behind your back and it sucks if you were together that long I think she at least deserves a goodbye. Even if it’s just a short one. Better to do it and say ‘well that sucked, but she is gone now’ then have a few months go by and say ‘Man I should have at least said bye’ Just my two cents hope it works out!” dnarmasci
4. AITJ For Wanting People To Obey Driving Laws?
“I live on a one-way street in an east coast city. People like to fly down this one-way street in the opposite direction. When they get to the intersection they don’t have a stop sign since the whole one-way street thing, but the cross street does.
Sometimes they honk at the other drivers because they don’t feel they have to stop because of their lack of stop sign. I just want to see one of these jerks crash into another car, get indignant, and then get screwed over for being wrong.
I don’t want anybody hurt, and minimal damage to the other car would be nice. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You are wishing damage onto another person, you are a jerk. If it really is a one-way street, why don’t you write down the license plates of all the cars that break that law, and send them to the police (or whoever is relevant in this situation)?
At the absolute least, maybe wish these people would crash into a tree or something inanimate that isn’t someone else’s property.” fifthpilgrim
3. AITJ For Continuing With This Relationship As Long As I Have?
“I have been seeing this girl for the past 7 months. And, when I say see, I mean we have known each other for about that long. We have had numerous innocent iMessage conversations and countless coffee ‘dates’ but it has never amounted to anything more than that (we go to the same places all the time).
A couple of months ago she asked over the message, ‘So, is this a thing?’ Mindlessly, as anyone one would do at 12 o’clock in the morning while also doing other things, I give a hesitant, ‘yes?’.
This whole time I haven’t had any intimate feelings towards this girl but since I have been questioning my gender, as a way of hiding that from my friends I went along with it because I was uncomfortable with coming out, with the fear people will think of me differently.
While our most recent (and last) date came to an end, she asked me if I wanted to kiss her. Me feeling ashamed for the string of lies I have told I decided to be honest with her and said that I didn’t really want to.
Anyway, that didn’t go well. and she kind of went off, and I’m pretty sure I ruined our friendship.”
Another User Comments:
“While I’m sympathetic, I say yes you were the jerk. I would, however, like clarification: Did you give her a reason you didn’t want to kiss her (that you are having personal questions about your gender)?
Or did you just say simply that you didn’t want to? There is a huge difference in these actions. If your partner of seven months suddenly says they don’t want to kiss you without any sort of explanation, how would you feel? If you did tell her that you are going through some things, she still has the right to feel upset over it, but at least she’d know the reasoning.
Overall, you led her on. You say you may have ruined your friendship, but you told her that what you had between the two of you was more than friendship. If you didn’t want to date her, then don’t. But it’s not fair to use her as an excuse.
If you don’t feel comfortable with coming out, then that’s fine… you don’t have to. And I understand going out at first to see if ‘maybe you really do like girls… or maybe you do like girls and boys’, but from what you said directly:
‘I went along with it because I was uncomfortable with coming out’.
That implies you knew but still led her on anyway to avoid suspicion. So, you knowingly used her. If you know now that you aren’t attracted to her, then you should end it.” TheGreenBasket
2. AITJ For Telling My Brother Not To Have Kids?
“I was the first of my siblings to have children. My sister is adamantly child-free, and my brother is only just now thinking about having kids. He asked me for advice, but here’s the thing. I love my child, but having one was the worst mistake I ever made.
My wife had severe psychological and physical complications from childbirth that forced her in and out of the hospital constantly for the first year and a half of our child’s life. She is physically recovered now, but the damage was done.
I had to double my work hours because we lost her income, we needed to pay for 24/7 outside help, and medical bills were piling up.
She couldn’t work for almost 5 years until her medical treatment could be stabilized. Our child was mostly raised by nannies and housekeepers aside from the times when our families and I could be around. Right, when she might have been able to find a job, 2020 happened and I desperately needed her to stay home and try harder because outside help and sending our child to school were suddenly not an option.
It took two months for a meltdown. The nanny came back in October 2020, thankfully, and my wife at least took over her share of housework this time.
I’m basically a single father of two. I barely have a marriage because my wife is now a completely different person, but divorce isn’t an option and wouldn’t help because I would just be adding alimony to the list of things I’m responsible for.
Our child doesn’t get to have any of the things that my wife or I wanted for them. There’s no college fund because we have to spend everything we’d be putting into it on daily care. There are no holidays unless his grandparents take him to someone else’s house, which they do most years.
There are not even really parents because my wife never bonded and I’ve never had that level of time to bond either. It’s just them, the nanny, and maybe some extended family when they decide to show an interest.
My brother didn’t know all of the details of this because he has never lived nearby, and was shocked by all of this.
Now he and his wife are inching toward not having kids and our mom is angry with me for ‘denying her only chance’ to have more grandkids, and that it’s not her fault that everything went so wrong with mine. I thought I was giving a fair warning of what can happen.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
It sucks that you’ve had such an awful time having kids. And to be fair I understand you explaining it in-depth to your brother. You have just been honest about your own experience.
That being said your mom and the family aren’t the jerks for saying you shouldn’t have said anything.
The fact is they probably are seeing your experience with somewhat rose-tinted glasses. They don’t see the full struggle you have gone through. So they don’t understand why and how this has made you feel.
Communication is key and I think that if you sat down and truly discussed with your mom why you told your brother the absolute god’s honest truth, she might be a bit more understanding of your feelings on the subject.” AyenDrkwing
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I wish more people were honest about the realities of having children, rather than posting ‘kodak’ moments on social media and trying to pressurize other people into ‘joining the club.’
Even if everyone is well it’s hard work and you just never know how children are going to respond.
But the thing is if people really want kids they’ll have them anyway, regardless of what anyone says or whatever they see… the ‘it won’t happen to me’ kicks in, until it does happen to them. So while I think it was a responsible thing to highlight that things may not turn out well, your brother and his wife will make up their own mind.
Having children is an emotional decision, not a logical one… I mean the Earth going to environmental misery in a handcart and 8 Billion people already here should influence people to reconsider if having kids is such a great idea, but it doesn’t.” Neither_March4000
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The only reason you don’t want a divorce is alimony yet you admit your wife has lost money she could’ve been making due to your marriage/having your child and the effects it caused. She deserves an alimony period she also deserves a life where she’s not resented and stuck with a child that caused her to become a different person and so does the child deserves a family that loves it and has the time and energy to raise it.
You are stopping yourself from having a life that could improve.
‘I had to double my work hours because we lost her income.’
‘I desperately needed her to stay home and try harder.’
You wouldn’t need to work double hard if she was working (once her health improved) she obviously doesn’t want to be a SAHM.
Why couldn’t she work and you stay at home? Or does she work part-time and have a nanny part-time to prevent her meltdown or have her claim disability?
Is she in therapy? Is she medicated? Some people are so traumatized by giving birth and parenthood that it’s genuinely life-changing if you as a couple are not actively working on her mental health your misery is of your own making.
It may sound harsh but when you are raising a child there’s no time to wallow. Either get a divorce or fix your life before you raise a child that is just as damaged as their mother.” kspicydaddi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your brother asked your advice and you told him your story.
Your brother is an adult and can appreciate that this isn’t a normal story, but it is your story, and that’s what he asked for.
I think maybe you call your brother back and just say – I didn’t mean to scare you, and of course what happened to me isn’t common, but I also didn’t want to lie to you about my own experience and just put on a happy face.
I don’t think you need to tell him this because you are a jerk, but because he is your brother and you love him and want to be there for him as he thinks through big life decisions.
I almost passed out taking birth control.
It is a potential side effect but of course, is rare, but no one ever (mainstream-wise) talks about the downsides to birth control besides weight gain and mood swings. When people actively engage with me in a conversation about birth control, I tell my story.
Sorry if it scares people, but it is what happened to me and I wish there were more stories like mine so I could have been more careful and known what to look for.
So good for you for telling your story; a story like yours is rare and I can’t imagine it being the ONLY reason they decide not to have children, just like my story probably never scared anyone out of birth control, but it probably did make them review their options, just like your brother is doing.
Oh and your mom isn’t owed grandchildren, so she should just appreciate the two she has.” mfruitfly
1. AITJ For Thinking I'd Be Able To Pay Online And Have It Shipped?
“I wanted 500 business cards done before I leave to promote a project I’m doing.
I figured it’s easy with Staples, but there wasn’t one in my area. The closest one was 3 hours away.
However, the site said that you’d be able to have them shipped to your home address. It was way cheaper than the alternative of having to pay $150 from another place, but it seems that might be my only option now that I realized that the only way to get them was to pay in-store, which kind of defeats the purpose of the shipping and whatnot.
I called to have the order canceled, only to realize they finished the order and were expecting payment. I told them about the situation at hand, but I feel like a huge jerk because the person on the other end seemed really annoyed about me canceling my order.
So, am I the jerk for thinking that I could pay for 500 business cards online for $35 and have it shipped to a location 3 hours away? I should mention I live in a state that makes 3-hour drives not so bad considering the cities themselves are almost 30-60 minutes in-between each other.”
Another User Comments:
“You misread or misunderstood the delivery and payment options of the product you ordered, it happens to everyone. However, the fact that this is about business cards makes this a unique situation. If this was about any standard product, you could just cancel the order without being a jerk, but since this is a highly personalized product, you cannot cancel the order without being a jerk and forcing the company to throw out the business cards you ordered.
So basically, either you drive out to that store and pay for the business cards and not be a jerk, or you refuse to pay for the cards you ordered and be a jerk. Whether or not you’re a jerk is up to you in this situation.” fifthpilgrim
Another User Comments:
“Yeah in that case it’s totally your fault. Pay upon arrival is more or less dead for anything other than take-out food for a variety of reasons, namely that most corporations use third-party shipping companies for their deliveries, and asking them to take payments creates a whole dimension of security and LP issues.
You should have checked and made sure you had your info right. It can be very frustrating to rush out an order for a customer, only to have to throw it out, wasting time and money, because the customer couldn’t be bothered to check their info.
The excuse ‘I was really busy’ also doesn’t fly, because we’re all really busy.
I know you didn’t intend to, but you’re the jerk.” missshrimptoast
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