People Risk Looking Bad After Telling Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Refusing To Tell My Partner To Change Her Dress Because My Cousin's Husband Stares At Her?
“I (22m) have been with my partner (21f) for a year and a half. I have a sister (27f) who is getting married later this month. I also have a cousin (33f) who is married to her husband (36m).
All of us will be at the wedding.
My cousin messaged me and asked if I knew what dress my partner was going to wear. I asked my partner if she had picked a dress yet and she showed me and I sent pictures to my cousin.
She then asked me to tell my partner to pick a different dress because that one was too revealing. I don’t think it’s too revealing. (Insert my partner’s description of the dress: it’s a pink silky dress. It goes down to like two inches above the knee.
The neckline is decently high. There is barely any cleavage. It’s an open-back dress.) My cousin kept insisting the dress was inappropriate for a wedding so I sent it to my sister since you know she’s the one who is getting married. My sister said that the dress was fine.
I told my cousin that my sister said the dress was fine. Then she asked me to tell my partner to wear a different dress anyway because the last few times we’ve been around each other she noticed her husband staring at my partner a lot.
I told her it’s not my problem or my partner’s problem and that she should tell her husband to stop being a creep and stare at his own wife instead. We’ve been arguing about this for a while now so I figured I would just ask.
AITJ? (Also for the record I don’t think it’s fair for me to tell my partner what she can and can’t wear.)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you’re not even in the realm of being close to being a jerk. Your cousin is a jerk, her husband is a jerk, but you my friend; definitely not a jerk.
Love that you stuck up for your partner on this one. You checked with your sister and since it’s her wedding and she said it’s fine, you did all the right things. Don’t forget to send your cousin here so she knows we all think she’s way outta line and as you said, not your partner’s fault her husband is a creep.” ckb251
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Unlike a lot of the other (really mean, unsympathetic) people here, I actually feel bad for your cousin, although to be clear, she is entirely, 100% in the wrong. You’re right, she’s dealing with a husband who’s a creep, and she’s probably really scared and insecure because she’s a woman nearing middle age and either loves or at the very least is emotionally and possibly financially dependent on her husband, and ADMITTING – to herself, never mind to others – that her husband is a sketchy creep would require a great deal of courage on her part, and a willingness to potentially blow up her entire life.
You don’t just call your spouse a creep whose behavior is completely inappropriate, unacceptable, and super gross (because let’s face it, we’re not just talking about him being flirty . . . she’s literally worried that he’s been ogling her cousin’s 21-year-old partner who is 15 years younger than him and barely out of her teens), and walk away from that with your marriage and life unscathed. That’s dropping a BOMB into your own relationship, even if it’s probably a necessary one.
My heart goes out to your cousin because none of this is her fault, and yeah she’s being a jerk, but it’s probably out of panic. She’s trying to forestall what could be the end of her marriage by doing stupid things like asking your partner to dress more modestly.
Do you REALLY think a 33-year-old woman with a creep for a husband isn’t aware that she’s being a jerk? Isn’t aware of EXACTLY who her husband is? OF COURSE SHE KNOWS. She’s desperate and grasping at straws . . . That said, it doesn’t make what she’s doing right, or okay.
If your sister, the bride, was uncomfortable with the dress it might be different. But she’s not. At this point your cousin needs to face the facts: she can no longer control these situations. She is eventually going to have to face her husband’s behavior head-on, and it looks like this wedding may be when that happens.
You are absolutely NTJ for standing up for your partner. It was the right thing to do because she has done nothing wrong. But if you have a bit of compassion, I hope that if/when things go down and your cousin finally has to face her husband being such a creep, and it can no longer be ignored, that you will be kind to her.
She’s facing a LOT of humiliation, being married to someone who would behave like that right in front of her.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not your wedding. Not your dress. Not your problem. I’d stop arguing and tell her she can tell your partner herself.
Then if she does your partner can say no and then just not talk about it. If she tries to talk nonsense about her husband staring then tell her you can’t control her husband any more than you control your partner and she needs to talk to her own man about his wandering eyes.” Spike-Tail-Turtle
20. AITJ For Refusing To Buy A 'Ladies Man' Onesie For My Nephew?
“I’m 17 (f) and my sister is 24. She is very homophobic. I’m bisexual but still not out to her.
She recently gave birth to an adorable baby boy. I love that kid with my whole heart.
We were out shopping and I told her that I wanted to buy him some new clothes since it’s almost Easter.
(I’m not very religious but she is) And she obviously was grateful and helped me pick out a few things.
It was all going well until she grabbed a onesie that said “Ladies’ Man”. This seems super innocent but the thought of assuming your kid’s sexuality and making comments like that seems very unsettling to me.
I politely mentioned that I don’t think it’s appropriate for a baby and suggested we pick something else out. I found a super cute grey-striped onesie that I thought really suited him. She kept insisting that I got him the one that she picked out.
I see how she could be mad since she really liked the onesie. But it’s my money and she works a good job and can pay for it herself. I get that I could have just bought it but I’m also 17 and still in high school.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I absolutely HATE those kinds of baby clothes. It’s insanely weird, immature, and ungrateful of her to dictate what you are giving as a present. You’re still a kid and yet your adult sister is the one acting like one.
The clothes aren’t even gonna fit in a few months anyway so her tantrum is even dumber. You did not even have to buy this kid anything but you’re generous enough to do so. I’m sure the one you picked out looked adorable. If she wants to buy the creepy onesie she can buy it herself.
Your nephew is lucky he’s going to have a great aunt.” The_JWQ
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your money, your decision. Nobody can force you to buy something with your own money that you don’t wanna buy or buy anything at all. You are not obligated to buy her anything – especially when you are 17 and probably don’t have too much spending money lying around and she has a good income.” journeytohealth1985
Another User Comments:
“I might get downvoted for this bit no jerks here. Yes, your sister sucks for being homophobic, no question, but that is not the question. You were paying and you did not want to buy that onesie all good. It is her baby and she wanted a different one, all good.
So in relation to your question about this situation no jerks here. Might be NTJ if she shouted at you or demanded you buy her that one, but you did not say she did, just disagreed.” [deleted]
19. AITJ For Telling A Girl She's Not The Only One With Dead Relatives?
“This girl Mary and I have been in the same friend group for 3 years. We have a few mutual friends and frequently talk.
I wouldn’t call us friends.
Mary’s cousin died in a fire 15 years before she was born. She tells everyone about it and if she wants to start a conversation she talks about her cousin and how she never met him.
We were all catching up at the local restaurant and I was talking about how my hamsters died in funny ways.
She began talking about her cousin and I continued to talk about my hamsters, and she began making rude comments about it.
When I got home I received multiple harmful texts from her friends about how horrible I am for telling her never to talk about her cousin (I never said that).
She began harassing me at every meetup about how I made her feel like she shouldn’t talk about her cousin.
One day I was going through a hard time and was upset about my dog dying, so when she made a comment I told her she’s not the only one with dead relatives and her life is easy.
(A lot of people in my family have died that I knew) And everything’s not about her and she doesn’t have to lie to get attention.
I didn’t mean to be rude I was just upset that day. And everyone found out she was lying about me saying not to talk about her cousin and they don’t believe her about what I really said.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s one thing to inform people about a death and receive compassion about it. But if she’s bringing it up at all times and reminding people on multiple occasions, looking for pity parties, or manipulating others to believe you said things you didn’t, it’s a clear vision that she’s outing for attention.
If you’re not friends with this person, I’d detach myself from her and social gatherings that include her.” MeowMeow808
Another User Comments:
“My brother is dead but I never bring this up. It’s nobody’s business but mine & my family’s. Plus, how would this be relevant to any conversation I have with my friends on a regular basis?
Oh yes, the kids are having fun at the park by the way brother is dead. Um no. NTJ but that girl is not worth including in any social circle if that’s all she brings to the table, but that’s just my personal opinion.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My great-grandfather (who I share a middle name with) died days before I was born. I’ve heard amazing things about him and I am genuinely sad I never got to meet him. However, I don’t bring it up in every conversation I have.
Honestly, I’ve only brought it up when talking about my name’s origin. She’s being ridiculous and attention-seeking. Keep calling her out on it if she does it again.” Savings_Surround_211
18. AITJ For Telling My Son's Birth Mom She's Overstepping Her Boundaries?
“I adopted my son when he was born. It was an open adoption but the birth mom (Beth) was so greatly ashamed of being a teen mom that she didn’t follow up on any contact. Which was fine because I had no intention of involving her too much.
The truth is that Ethan grew up with two dads and three older brothers. We always try to have him spend time with girls. A couple of years ago when Ethan was 9, Beth reached out to see how he was doing. I think she spent the last nine years being an overachiever so she’d feel worthy of having a relationship with Ethan.
Ivy League, married a hedge fund dude, yoga, etc.
Ethan is incredibly self-aware and intellectual. You cannot fool him so he and I enjoy a very open relationship. I told him his mom reached out to me and asked about him. I emphasized that she didn’t forget him but she had to go away to work on herself.
I asked how’d he feel about talking with her and he said he was open to it.
They have a good relationship and spend time together. He’s met her husband. It’s been a good thing to know his bio family.
Ethan is starting 6th grade and he has to pick an elective class.
There have been arguments about what that class will be. Anyway, he told Beth about it and she messed up by getting involved with the matter. She said what’s the big deal about his doing yearbook. He should do what he wants to do. It’s his class.
I was like you got me messed up. I said girl you are not his mom. You’re more like a sibling and siblings don’t get a say in parenting decisions. You take a backseat. You’re a seat filler in the life of Ethan. Just don’t forget your place.
She didn’t say anything and went radio silent. I was the bigger person and reached out. I said I’ve been raising that kid for 11 years so it was triggering for you to give your two parenting cents. You need to understand that. He understands that so you should too.
I guess she’s waiting for ME to apologize for something she did. I will not. Once you do that then everything goes bad.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re right. You are the parent and not Beth. So act like a parent and give Ethan the tools and means to analyze and make his own decisions.
YTJ. Your son asked for her perspective and opinion, and she gave it. Her view on things isn’t wrong. What is wrong however, is trying to control your son’s life to the point he can never hear a perspective or opinion that isn’t your own.
That’s over-sensitive about the adoption at best and over-controlling to the point of being part of a much, much bigger problem at worst – and that’s all on you. You know what a normal actual dad does? They sit with their son – you know, the one that you said was so smart and couldn’t be fooled – and talk about what he wants and why he feels that way, and why you feel a different choice is important.
You encourage him to get different perspectives and how to analyze the perspectives that everyone has given him rather than take any of them – Beth’s or yours – as gospel. You let him be part of the decisions about his own life.” StripedBadger
Another User Comments:
“YTJ on…quite a number of levels here. Your son is the one who told Beth what he was doing. She didn’t butt in. “He should do what he wants to do” is…not a big deal. (And she’s right, by the way.) Telling someone that they are a “seat filler” in somebody’s life and “just don’t forget your place” is darn heinous, no matter who they are.
Goodness, dude. At the end of the day, you agreed to an open adoption. That was a *condition* of your getting to raise this child. Is it complicated? Darn right it is. But it’s your job to figure out how to manage it in a way that’s best for your son, first and foremost. I was adopted as a baby in a closed adoption.
I always knew. My parents did their best to be very chill about it, and to be okay when I eventually met my biological relatives as an adult. It was still wildly stressful in ways they will never understand because there was so much pressure on me to manage their emotions.
Basically every adopted kid I know has a similar story. No matter what Ethan says, I promise you, adopted kids are darn highly attuned to the unusual dynamic going on, and shoulder that in ways you don’t see. You are his dads, yes. You are his parents.
You are his family. But you do not want to alienate his bio mom over petty grievances or tell her that she’s playing a sibling role or anything equally idiotic. You are not being the bigger person right now, but you’re going to need to be.
This is what you signed up for, so suck it up, and make it work. And yes, you absolutely do need to apologize to Beth for saying those bad things to her.” creakyforest
Another User Comments:
“YTJ! Although your lack of Leadership may be used as an example of why it may be a good course to take … for you.
It’s an “open adoption” but you call her a “seat-filler” and “Girl” as an insult. You sound jealous and worried that Ethan may eventually love his bio mom, will respect her opinion, seek out her advice, and will have a great relationship with her, his future bio siblings, and a step-father.
You mention bio mom is Ivy League, married a “hedge fund dude” and does “yoga”. Your underlying tone is a slur on well-educated, successful, affluent people. You didn’t mention your socioeconomic status, but specifying “some hedge fund dude” implies you are not in that world.
Are you concerned Ethan will make comparisons between the two families? He will definitely make a comparison on how you reference his bio Mom and your lack of respect towards her and how she references you. You can “control” an 11-year-old’s activities, but you can’t control his mind.
He will not forget.” AroundHFOutHF
17. AITJ For Not Letting My Son Visit His Grandmother Because She Smokes Indoors?
“I have just had a baby with my partner and he’s now 6 months.
My mother-in-law lives 8 hours away and so we haven’t been to visit her since the birth.
I hate visiting her home, she smokes inside the house and refuses to open any windows ever. Once you enter the house you immediately smell of smoke, I feel sick and cough a lot.
When we leave it takes 4/5 times to wash our clothes before the smell leaves.
I’ve read about second/thirdhand smoke and I’m not willing to let my son go in there at all, not for one minute. My partner says I should allow him as it won’t really harm him and her mother would be really upset.
We’re due to visit her family there but I am refusing to stay at her mother’s house with our son, she says this is a big insult. I told her to speak with her mother and tell her the issue, she said it’s her mother’s right to smoke in her own house.
I agree, but mother-in-law then doesn’t have the right to be upset when I won’t let my son visit.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Secondhand smoke is deadly, even lingering in the air. Smokers often try to minimize the risks they are imposing on others but I can testify to the reality.
I am a lifelong sufferer of lung issues, chronic bronchitis, sinus problems, allergies, congestion, headaches, and coughing. My stepfather smoked. My mother smoked. In the winter they would tightly close up the house and the car windows. I remember thinking as a child in the back seat of that car that they were trying to harm me — I was struggling to breathe.
I would surreptitiously open the rear window just a bit and put my nose right by it hoping for some fresh air. I hope you will stand by your son and his future welfare and the health of his lungs. You are NTJ I want to add that I had chest X-rays taken in my 50s leading to a tentative diagnosis of pulmonary fibrosis.
My doctor received a query from the radiologist reading the films asking if I were a smoker. He thought my lungs looked like those of a smoker. I never smoked in my life, but had enough secondhand smoke to kill a horse.” abcwva
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But this: “My partner says I should allow him as it won’t really harm him and her mother would be really upset.” Your partner is very ill-informed. Frankly, no relative is worth subjecting an infant to all the grossness, heavy metals, and carcinogens in your MIL’s house.
Period. Secondhand smoke is how my sister developed asthma. Your partner is being overprotective of her mom and the ‘respect’ and all that crap because that’s how she grew up and likely hasn’t come to terms with the fact that her mom was more or less passively poisoning her all those years.
There are rarely AITJs that feel like hills to die on, but this is definitely one. MIL can visit you all at a park, outside, or not at all.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ ….PROUD OF YOU DAD….you’re on point…all that smoke will have your kid in an ER with permanent asthma.
Your wife needs to grow up and stop worrying about pleasing momma and BE HIS MOTHER. Sorry not sorry. You do what’s best for the kid 1st always…mil wants to see him she can visit him at the hotel after she changes her shirt and washes her face and hands and pops a pack of breath mints.
I would say cover her hair too but that’s pushing it. You don’t ever wanna see your infant in a hospital with tubes cause he can’t breathe…. mil is a walking chain-smoking hazard. Talk to your pediatrician about it so he can back you up, dude.
I’m not lying it’s seriously dangerous to place a kid in that environment. Your wife needs to boss up and tell her mom how it’s going down if she wants to see the baby or it’s a no. MIL will comply cause it’s her grandbaby…she may fuss but fight for your kid.
Good luck.” HumbleBasis3603
16. AITJ For Not Wanting My In-Laws To Live Next Door?
“My (F32) partner (M35) and I are going to buy a little house, it’s really a good opportunity, and my in-laws have suggested to buy the house next door, in case in the future we need to be close for anything.
For example, if we have children (not expected at the moment) they can help us and be able to be useful to us.
The fact is, I have a good relationship with them and they are nice people, but having them living next door can be a big problem.
I am a very independent person and value a lot my privacy, also, I want to manage my house in my own way, and I’m afraid that too much closeness can create friction, or my mother-in-law who is too helpful overwhelms me… and or drives me crazy.
My partner is excited because he thinks it is a great idea since he is very familiar and he thinks it would be a good help for us.
I disagree, but I think he does not understand me, and this is really creating a big conflict between us.
How do you see it? Am I the jerk? Would you like to live near them or absolutely not? Do you think it can be beneficial or crazy?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, you just need to all have some honest conversations and be mature about not getting upset by what comes up.
If it helps, we purchased the house next door to ours for my in-laws because they’re getting older and were struggling in rented accommodation on a pension. We had some very clear discussions about ground rules. But really the only major one is that they don’t have a key and cannot just show up on our doorstep (unless the sort of situation where you’d ordinarily knock on a neighbor’s door or an emergency).
Also to respect we do work from home especially and sometimes take calls in the garden during the day so as not to be popping their heads over the fence when they hear us out there. With that established, it’s really no different from living anywhere else, except that I’m prone to bumping into my mother-in-law walking to the post office!
They’re only in our home when invited by pre-arrangement so no different from usual, and if anything it has made it a bit easier/will continue to as they get older because we don’t have to go check on them or worry about them and if they do need us, it really isn’t any time out of our day.
It wouldn’t necessarily work for everyone, but it can work if you’re game. I don’t think you’re the jerk if you’re not up for it though!” squishbee913
Another User Comments:
“”Partner, with all due respect…I am not living next to your mother. I want to be able to make as much noise as possible.
I can’t be anxious wondering if my partner’s parents can hear their son. I want to be able to wear a bikini and sunbathe in the backyard without worrying your mom or dad will be judging me over the fence. If we have arguments, and they are loud, I don’t want one of your parents calling or texting or coming over and sticking their nose in our business.
I want to be able to have friends over to hang out or have dinner without your parents feeling left out for not getting an invite. Your parents are lovely people but part of being an adult is having your own life and your own space and that will not be possible if your mom and dad are right next door.
I understand if you are hurt by this but I’m not purchasing a house until you agree to enforcing this boundary of mine.” You’re not the jerk.” The__Riker__Maneuver
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! My niece & family moved to Atlanta years ago. They lived in an area that had many newly constructed homes.
The house next door to them was finally finished when my sister & husband (her parents) were visiting from Illinois. The son-in-law suggested that they look at it & 3 months later my sister & her husband moved to Atlanta! 9 years & 4 grandkids later, they all agree it was the best thing they ever did!!
Everyone respects the boundaries & the grandkids love having their grandparents next door. That doesn’t always happen, though. My mother-in-law lived next door to me for 5 years & it was a nightmare! She disregarded all boundaries! Just be sure you know what you’re getting into & set boundaries first!” bkupisch
15. AITJ For Reporting My Friend Who Filmed My Distressed Daughter At Daycare?
“I’ve sent my children to the same childcare setting for over 6 years until they move to preschool. I made friends with one of the staff, and we remained close and formed a close friendship group including my sister. The actual childminder and I have always remained on professional terms and no rules have been relaxed over the years.
I recently was forwarded a video by my mother which contained my daughter in said childcare setting, which was filmed by said friend. Which had my daughter standing alone, distressed and upset with the friend laughing at her.
I contacted the childcare provider and said that I’m appalled by the fact I haven’t received this video directly, it’s been forwarded to me, and secondly that my daughter is being laughed at for being upset.
I reported the incident to the childcare investigation team in my country for breach of data protection, as well as bullying.
I’ve since received a barrage of messages saying I’ve ruined said friend’s life as she’s lost her job and I should have approached her directly.
But she did not contact me directly or send me the video, and was not apologetic for its contents or sending it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she has done this to your daughter how many other children has she done this to? Left unchecked she would do it again and again.
Filming a minor without the written permission of the parent is illegal. I would have filed a police report and given them a copy of the video. In the US it is punishable by law because it is a violation of the Invasion of Privacy Act.
Info: How did your mom receive the video?” stinstin555
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your children come before a “friend” who enjoys the distress of children! The action of said friend made her lose the job, not you forwarding the video. Who knows what else she did with the children?
And that she got directly fired makes it seem like this was not the first time that she behaved like this with children.” EvilFinch
Another User Comments:
“As someone who worked in childcare for more than a few years… Screw. Your. “Friend”. And honestly? Screw those defending her.
God, it used to drive me bonkers when the kids were bullied, but an adult? Is supposed to know better. Is supposed to BE better. She knew what she was doing. Kudos to the folks in charge that canned her. You did the right thing turning her in.
If it helps at all, this is likely not the first time she’s done it, too. It’s just the time she got caught.” [deleted]
14. AITJ For Being Upset That My Mom Told Other People About My Diagnosis?
“I’m 15m and I have ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and sometimes, it causes me to be a very confrontational person, also I tend to be rather private, and I don’t like people hearing about my interests or details of my life.
So here’s the full story, in the summer of 2020 I was diagnosed with ASD and I had…. not a great time accepting and understanding it, but recently I’ve finally learned to not hate myself for it, but embrace it and try to just accept that I’m not a ‘normal’ person.
Now when I was leaving the doctors after being given my diagnosis, I told my mom not to tell anyone, not a single person, and she said:
“Oh of course honey I would never do something like that.”
Then we got home, and she immediately went and told my stepdad but I digress.
I had thought that she hadn’t told anyone other than my stepdad. Well, recently we had to stay at my grandmother’s house for a couple of weeks and my little sister was having a big screaming fit before bedtime, now, I’m very noise-sensitive, and things like that just so monumentally screw with my ability to function.
I was having to deal with this screaming fit until my older sister took my little sister to bed.
My nan just looked at me and said, “Does that happen often?” and I explained to her, yes, and I finally, 2 years later decided to tell her how that sound screws with me, and I told her that I had autism under the impression that she didn’t know.
Well her response shocked me, she said, “Oh yeah, your mom told me right after you got the diagnosis, I’m sorry dear.”
Now… that is a HUGE invasion of my privacy but it gets worse. I asked my nan for details on what my mom said and she told me that my mom had said how it’s going to be “such a burden with this new diagnosis’ and how ‘I don’t know how I’m going to be able to raise him properly’ (which kind of made me feel sub-human but I digress).
I told my nan that I told my mom specifically to NOT tell anyone and not to mention I am very low on the Autism spectrum.
My nan said in response to my telling her this, “What your mom did wasn’t okay, but you don’t need to worry about me knowing,” and yeah I agree, I trust my nan completely but it’s the principle of it all.
I asked my mom about this and she said I was overreacting! Said that I “shouldn’t worry about people knowing” and that “it’s a mother’s duty to protect her child” which had NOTHING to do with the argument we were in but there’s more! When I told her I wasn’t comfortable with this invasion of privacy she called me an “entitled brat” and that she “was just trying to help sweetie.” So, am I the jerk?
I just prefer to be a private person, and I’ve gotten a lot of insults and such on behalf of my ‘abnormality’ so I’m kind of… sensitive to telling people things, but maybe I’m just not seeing it right, and I kind of feel bad for yelling at my mom.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is a colossal jerk. A quick assurance, being on the spectrum doesn’t make you any more or less “normal.” No human being is “normal”; everyone is unique in their own ways. Being “normal” is literally just a term used to describe common/typical behaviors and just sets an unhealthy expectation.
That said, she said to you, and I quote, “I would never do something like that.” What does she do? Tell someone about it, against your wishes, then call you entitled for being unhappy that she broke her promise. She needs to check herself.” Derp_Aderpy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She lied to you when she promised not to share your information, and now she is trying to GASLIGHT you by saying that you are overreacting (you are not); and that you “shouldn’t worry” (whether the opinions of others matter or not, worry isn’t something you can apply “should” to); that you are entitled (expecting honesty, especially from our mother, is hardly entitlement) OR that she was “just trying to help” (she was not–not trying to help YOU, anyway).
I’m sorry you have a jerk for a mother. The lesson to learn is that you cannot share private information with her and expect it to stay private. I’m glad you have a supportive grandmother.” VoyagerVon
Another User Comments:
“So it’s hard to tell with only your perspective and not a lot of info.
If your symptoms made life harder for you, it is only natural that your mother would explain that to your close family members so that they could avoid triggering you. And it is ridiculous to expect a person to withhold information that large from their spouse, especially if that spouse lives with you because it affects the living situation.
I have a child on the spectrum as well, and I see that they often misinterpret things when being told about them secondhand, so I would reflect on whether you’re really hearing what your mom really said from your grandma. Getting secondhand information right hardly ever happens with people who aren’t on the spectrum, the chances of it being misinterpreted are very high when you are.
As a parent to a child who is on the spectrum, I can say that I have always asked their permission before sharing with anyone who doesn’t need to know. But you need to realize that there are people who need to know this information, such as school administrators, medical providers, your stepfather, etc because you don’t live in a vacuum.
Your behavior affects them, and their behavior affects you. I don’t want to make you feel bad or sound hateful, but living with a child on the spectrum can be very hard sometimes. Of course your mother would feel some sort of doubt about if she’s good enough to give you what’s best, that’s a natural feeling/fear for a parent to have.
It really sounds as if your mother tried to let the people who interacted with you and your family know so that they could be sympathetic to your triggers. And your triggers affect everyone around you in your family. I know you’re dealing with feelings of shame, and that it’s making you feel very sensitive to this topic, but it sounds like a topic that you need to discuss clearly with your mother and not through other people.
Autism is nothing to be ashamed about, but unless you and your family are all on the same page, your triggers are going to happen more frequently and they will have to deal with the result of your behavior from it.” ppl_n_r_neighborhood
13. AITJ For Not Wanting My Estranged Family At My Deathbed?
“I (43F) am a breast cancer survivor. Recently I found out that the “survivor” part of that isn’t likely to be true for much longer.
It’s taken me a while to process the prognosis but now I’m preparing for the worst: tying up loose ends at work before I quit, dealing with medical insurance, finding carers for my pets after I pass, breaking the news to my best friends and my father.
I made it very clear to my friends that I don’t want to be a spectacle on my deathbed and have drawn up a list of people to bar from visiting me. I especially don’t want to see my mother or sister (41F). My father however says that I should give my mother and sister a chance to see me and make amends before it’s too late.
I have a fraught relationship with most of my family: I’ve been NC with my abusive mother for nearly two decades and I fell out with my sister eight years ago and we haven’t spoken since. I don’t want to deal with my narcissistic mother’s hysterics and religious nonsense, nor my sister’s guilt issues.
I begged my father not to tell them though I have a feeling he will. I wouldn’t have told him either but under the legal framework of my country he inherits all my assets and is the executor of my estate by default (I’m not in the US).
Genuinely there will be no regret on my end if I never see my mother or sister. I’ve made peace with the estrangement between us. My dad pointed out that my mother will likely have to prepare my body for burial, as is custom (I get no say on what happens to me after I die under the laws here).
He says it would be cruel for me not to let her say goodbye. I didn’t want to tell him about what she put me through when I was a child so I just said no and left it at that.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You may not have much say in what happens after you die, but while you are alive, you should be able to have whatever you like and be able to live with as much peace and contentment as you can. Spend time with those you care about and leave out the rest. You don’t need crocodile tears now that you are passing when there was no love while you were healthy.
I am sorry about your prognosis.” Various-Bridge-325
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t let your father guilt you into seeing people you cut out for a reason. This is a deeply personal moment and it needs to be done in peace. Their grief is something they will have to work out on their own.
Please keep the toxicity out. It’s a pity you can’t name someone else other than your father to deal with your estate. I’m worried he will badger you into seeing your mother and sister. He is not taking your feelings into consideration here.
This is about you and your choices. They don’t involve them at all. Sending you peaceful vibes.” carinaeletoile
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I’m afraid that you’ll HAVE to tell him why you do NOT want your mother there at all. Perhaps you could tell him at least part of what your mother did if you’re more comfortable with that, otherwise, he may indeed take action on his own because he may think “it can’t be THAT bad what happened, right?” Same for the reason you don’t want your sister there.
If it seems he will inform and even invite her on his own anyway, it’s probably best to clearly explain why so he’ll actually respect your wishes. Unfortunately, some people just are too stubborn when not given any arguments besides “please respect my decision”. The absolute last thing you deserve is to have more stress and anguish while you’re going through this, just to maybe ease the regret/guilt of people who have abused you or failed you in some other way.
(not that your narcissistic mother would have any regret or guilt from what it seems, but still.)” Glitch_II
12. AITJ For Hiding My Mother's Booze?
“My mother (60F) is a heavy drinker.
She’s gone to rehab once but has never been able to quit. She’s also verbally rude. I (18F) have started to call her out on it because I found her booze everywhere.
My mother and I were watching a movie. She went out to the laundry room to get some clothes from the dryer and I heard the spinning of a cap.
I hear this all the time when she’s in there. Every time I hear it I ask her if she’s drinking again, and she always says no. Even when I specifically tell her that I’d rather her be drinking and be open about it than lying at this point because I know she won’t ever stop.
After about 10 minutes she heads to the restroom. I go to the laundry room and try to look around. The first time I found booze it was in our freezer. The second time was in a laundry hamper with clothes. This time, I found it in the dryer.
It was a big bottle (that’s new, she used to only buy small bottles of tequila), and decided to hide it up on top of the fridge in a portable mini cooler. I run to go sit back down and text my father about it.
(He knows that she is an avid heavy drinker) he tells me to ignore it and try to just stop messing with these things.
20 minutes later she says she needs to go get hangers. At this point, I’m a ball of anxiety as she storms out and walks up to me.
“Where is it?” I say nothing. She says it again even louder “Where is it OP?!” I still say nothing. She sits down next to me. Yelling at me, about how expensive the booze is and how she just needs it and that she swears on her parents’ lives she’ll never get any more.
The entire time I am sitting there in an anxious ball telling myself not to break, not to tell her. She storms off, looking and tearing up my room and then the kitchen. I bolted to my room. Waiting for my father to come home.
When he did come home he poured out all the booze. He didn’t say anything to her. But told me that maybe I should just give it up and that I’m making things worse by trying to make her stop. So.. am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but my heart goes out to you. The only thing you accomplish by pouring out your mom’s booze is to force her to hide it better and resent you more. Source: I’ve tried this before with my ex. You are 18. It’s time you started planning how to get away from your heavy-drinker mother.
You can not fix her. She has to do that herself. I was able to quit drinking by first spending a couple of years building an art and woodworking studio in my house. The opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety, it’s connection. People need to feel like they have a life worth living without booze.
There was a famous study on rats where they had two water bottles, one with substances and one with just water. There were two cages, one barren, one like a rat park with levels and hiding places, and things to do. The rats in both cages became addicted to the substance water, ignoring the regular water.
But over time, the rats in the park started going back to regular water. They had a life worth living without substances. If your mother is to quit booze, she will need to create her own rat park. You can support her in this if you choose to, but you can’t make it happen.
I realize that this must be frustrating news, but it’s how addictions work. Punishment never works. Moralizing never works. Venting your frustrations never works. Those interventions only make an addict want to take refuge in their substance of choice. It’s their safe place until they create a better one.
The good news is that many people do recover from addictions. I have an elderly friend who surprised me by saying that she doesn’t worry about her addict friends as much anymore because they do tend to quit eventually. By eventually, she meant years to decades, so from a young person’s perspective, that might not be terribly encouraging.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Check out r/stopdrinking – a friendly community of like-minded folk thinking, trying, or being sober. If you repost there with your location you might get some advice on local services that can support you. All your job is right now is to protect yourself, keep your head low, try not to engage with her madness (hard I know!), and try to do nice things with supportive friends.
This is on her, and sadly booze recovery can only come from one person; the heavy drinker. Until she is ready it is about self-preservation and damage control. What you can do is let her know that when she is ready to be sober you will be there for her.
Sending hugs to you op.” suckerfishbeaut
Another User Comments:
“Oof, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. As others said, you’re not going to be able to change her behavior — only she can do that. And you are definitely not the jerk for wanting some consistency & stability in your home.
As someone who was in a relationship with a heavy drinker, I really encourage you to consider attending an Al-Anon meeting. Al-anon is a meeting for people who have a loved one living with addiction, and it can be so helpful. I went somewhat unwillingly at first, but then when I realized so many different people — all different ages, different ethnicities, different life histories, different relationships with the addict — had struggled & continued to work on setting healthy boundaries with the addict in their lives, it was really a powerful experience.
Sending you big hugs, OP, you will get through this and I’m so proud of you for the strength you’ve had to develop.” PatientAmphibian5081
11. AITJ For Asking My Ex To Take Me Home When I Felt Sick At A Party?
“Last week was my friend’s engagement party. About an hour in, I started feeling really dizzy and nauseous. I thought it was because I was too hot so I went outside for some air.
My ex was outside with some of his friends and he came up to me to ask if I was okay because I looked like I was going to collapse, according to him.
I told him to go away and that I was fine. He wouldn’t go and I was starting to feel worse the more I tried to argue with him. I just wanted to go home at that point so I asked him if he would take me without thinking about who I was asking.
He agreed to take me home and when we got here, he wouldn’t leave because he was worried our children would need something and I wasn’t in the right state to look after them and our nanny couldn’t stay the night.
The next day his partner called me furious for asking him for help when I could’ve asked any of my other friends there instead.
She thinks I did it on purpose and made him abandon her at the party because I’m a jealous ex-wife who can’t stand that he’s moving on. I was annoyed so I told her I was still his wife just to tick her off.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Partner was just jealous and the ex was looking out for the kids, as well as you. It sounds like there’s a huge possibility you were given something and I’m glad your husband still cares enough about you to make sure nothing happened to you.
The partner needs to recognize that you’re still very much in his life and if she can’t handle your ex having a civil relationship with you, she may not be cut out for the relationship.” echoCashMeOusside
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it was a small favor and he came up to you saying that you looked like you were gonna collapse since you have kids together, he was also worried about them since you were out of it.
Partner needs to back off and have some sense. His children should always take first priority in his life. His friends were there too to see you looking sick so it wasn’t as though this was a secret thing, she can ask them for confirmation if she’s upset.” GeneNeat906
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I hope you’re feeling better, and it’s nice that your ex still cares about you as the mother of his children (as he should). You were unwell which sucks but the main concern for him was the children which is always how it should be.
I’d just tell her he didn’t do it for you, but for the kids, ya know? If she can’t get her head around his kids coming first then she’s a wrong un anyway.” _rural_witch_
10. AITJ For Wanting To Use My Son's Scholarship Money To Pay Me Back?
“My son is going to an expensive school next year and I’m financially nervous about it. It’s close to 16K a year after aid.
All of a sudden I’m worried about providing for my younger sons (I’m a single dad) now that I have this financial monkey on my back.
A few weeks before my son graduated, his class had an assembly where they gave out scholarship money. The money was raised from foundations or groups like Rotary.
My son won two awards totaling $10K.
The problem was that we thought that we were on the same page regarding the money. I said it was going to be used for school and he agreed.
What I meant was that it was going to be used to pay me back since I already paid for his school and he meant that he would go to college with 10K to spend as he sees fit.
Of course he’s saying that it’s “his” money and I’m saying it’s not. It’s for college and since I paid for it, it goes to pay me back. I would have factored that money into everything if I had known he was getting it.
I told him I’m not messing around and all I have to do is tell the teacher who is in charge of distributing the money to send the check in my name.
He will do it. Of course I’d rather have my son see it my way before having to override him like he’s 11.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You also can’t take claim to his scholarship money. If he’s an adult the money will be legally made out in his name.
You can either restart a savings account and hope you’re able to help out your boys or they will have to rely on student aid and loans if they choose to go to college. Legally you have no right to tell your son you now own his award money.
He could take you to court and fight your for it. You’ll have a huge issue in your hands and most importantly you’re going to strain the relationship with your son. I can already tell you’re not going to put that money aside for your other children.
You clearly have a troublesome personality. Did you already spend it?” Forsaken-Knowledge12
Another User Comments:
“YTJ/NTJ. Honestly, this sounds like you approached it the wrong way with him and possibly set some bad expectations. LMK if this is correct. You put aside $16k for him to go to school next year and this will be a big financial burden for you.
Your son got $10k in grants so you are hoping to reduce your burden and only pay $6k for the year? Your son on the other hand is expecting you to pay the $16k and for him to have $10k in spending cash. Assuming this is correct you both need to sit down and run him through the costs, your financial situation, and your expectations of him if you are going to pay $16k a year for years to come.
No doubt he will need some spending cash as that will cover things like books etc. But I’d encourage you to come up with an annual amount that you can afford, even if it’s less than the $16k, and encourage him to help make up the difference.
What is not great is telling someone you will spend the $16k then coming back and saying hey it would be great if I didn’t have to. Yes he should recognize that giving the $10k to you is probably the best thing to do but without context explained in a factual manner it will be hard to do.” firetothetrees
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. For the big mess that you made by being completely irresponsible with finances. This is not how you responsibly plan all of your children’s education. It seems you didn’t have any plans at all. You cannot just throw money at an expensive school for one year while you don’t have a plan for how to pay for the second year.
And have no money left for the younger children. If you can’t afford an expensive school, then your child can’t go to an expensive school. You have set him up for high expectations that you’re not going to be able to meet.
You are a poor parent. Now all you can do is try to salvage and make the best of it. Sit your son down and explain your finances to him. Tell him that the 10k will be set aside for next year. And he will only get them if he doesn’t party in his first year but study hard as there won’t be a second year if he doesn’t win more stipends.
Who is the teenager – you or him?” olagorie
9. AITJ For Not Taking My Nephews To An Expensive Theme Park During Their Visit?
“My sister suggested my nephews come down for a visit during summer vacation earlier this year, and I agreed that this was a great idea and we would need to figure out dates. She sent me a screenshot of plane tickets with a two-week gap at the beginning of summer vacation, and I agreed. So they arrived a little over two weeks ago.
Relevant to the story: I live in a tourism hotspot. The boys (8 & 13) and I went to the beach several times, state parks, and hung out at the pool at my HOA’s clubhouse. We also spent several days inside being lazy because constant activity is tiring.
We’d watch movies, eat and talk.
I thought we had fun and bonded. The kids left three days ago, and yesterday my sister called me all mad because I “didn’t do anything for the boys” and that I’m cheap and heartless basically. She said she can’t believe I didn’t take them to a theme park when I live less than an hour from two of the biggest/most popular in the country.
I told her that she never asked me to do that and that those things are expensive. She said I can afford it. That’s true, but again, she didn’t ask. We did fun stuff that was free (or cheap) and the boys had a good time.
She says I deprived them of an experience because they won’t get the opportunity to go again. She can take them. She can buy tickets and come down here and take them. She can even stay at my house.
Why do I have to buy the tickets and do all the work?
Am I a terrible uncle?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your sister is for not being clear on her expectations, not asking if you were ok with it, and then being mad at the whole thing/blaming you for not reading her mind. They are not your kids you are under no obligation to spend tons of money on them especially when not asked to do so.
If she did ask you are fully in your right to say no to her spending your money. You showed your nephews a great time. Did they even ask to go to the amusement park? At 8 and 13 they probably loved just lounging by the pool and relaxing.
Wonder if their mom is constantly making plans to keep them active so you letting them rest actually gave them a real break.” Sweetsmyle
Another User Comments:
“So as a summary: your sister got 2 weeks child-free at no cost and now says you are cheap?
Sounds like a shallow, materialistic jerk as a sister. If I want something I need to communicate. Better go low contact for a certain time. Your time seems completely worthless for her and that says a lot about her. NTJ.” MasterpieceOk4688
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Disney in June is a nightmare!! The heat, humidity, rain, 3-5 hrs waiting in line. Imo you saved them from a horrible time (Disney is overrated!!). If your sister wanted them to go to Disney or Universal why didn’t she purchase the tickets beforehand and tell you to pick the tickets up at the gate??
That’s right because your time, gas, food, and free child care weren’t enough money spent on them because FaMiLy. SMH just sad!” angelmakr9
8. AITJ For Confronting My Uncle About His Body Shaming Comments?
“Yesterday I drove out to my family’s Juneteenth celebration in my hometown, about 3 hours away. Despite being encouraged to come by my mother, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go because I had always had bad experiences with my dad’s side of the family.
I decided I would go because I wanted to see my little brother and his children.
Fast forward to about an hour after I arrive. I’m sitting outside by the pool with a few other people when one of my uncles rolls by, says hi, and then quickly turns the subject to my weight.
Comments like “you’ve been eating good, huh?” and “wow, someone missed the hiking trail.” This annoyed me because this person is not in any way a role model for me, and while yes; I had gained weight, I couldn’t understand why it needed to be brought up like that.
I’ve never been good with confrontation. I froze up in embarrassment, and he walked inside.
I thought about just letting it go, but I knew I would hate myself if I did; so when he came back out of the door, I asked him: “why do you feel the need to make comments on people’s bodies?” After a brief silence, he understood what I was referring to, and then tried to explain that he himself was filling out too, showing me his belly as if to say “look, me too” – but I told him, “I’m not interested in making comments on your body and I would appreciate the same.” He tried telling me “so you’re offended” and that “it was all good energy”, but I simply shook my head silently because I didn’t want to budge an inch from how that made me feel.
He simply said “ok,” and walked away.
I would say goodbye to my immediate family and leave a half hour or so later. I just felt gross after the interaction. I could tell that my immediate family was disappointed that I was leaving so soon, but I just didn’t want to be there anymore.
I mean, the dude couldn’t even say sorry. I told whoever asked that I had been called into work suddenly, and I dipped.
Did I blow this out of proportion?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s free to make fun of himself all he wants.
He cannot be rude to you because he has an issue. It’s a him problem, not a you problem. So many people out there wanting to be negative who cloak their behavior in “well-meaning” intentions. Nope. That is jerk behavior.” PlentyPicklez
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I don’t like it either I really wish people would just stop commenting on super personal things like body size, reproduction or relationship status, health issues, etc. Often times those innocent seeming questions can be awkward and have large impacts on people.
To be frank it is no one’s business and everyone can get bent.” Giggle_interrupted
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, nobody should be making comments of judgment on other people’s characteristics. The uncle doesn’t know your story or battle, so to throw away a comment that could have detrimental effects on you shows how naive he is in terms of communicating.
I hope you’re ok.” R3dgey27
7. AITJ For Not Letting My Brother Borrow My Ferrari To Impress At His High School Reunion?
“My (41M) brother (38M) has been quite angry at me since he wanted to look good for his high school reunion of 20 years. About 2 weeks before this event all he talked about was how he wanted to look successful and show the people who made fun of him that he was better.
Personally, I thought it was stupid to show off to people you haven’t seen in forever, but he can do whatever he wants.
I never had a problem with him borrowing my vehicles. I have a small collection of vehicles, including a Ferrari Dino 246 GT.
Favorite car of mine. My other cars are nice, but not something I would casually loan to a person. The only reason I was able to get these cars is that I have worked for UPS as a pilot, and when I get to be home, I enjoy my hobby of cars.
My brother also likes cars, but he personally owns a 90s Toyota Corolla. He was the one who said that his car “isn’t nice enough” and that he wants to impress by rolling up in a Ferrari. Now, even I don’t drive it much to keep miles off of it.
But he was determined to borrow it.
Since it’s an expensive vehicle, I told him no, I’m not allowing him to drive my car to this event just to show off because even I know all it takes is someone challenging him, and I don’t want him to perceive this challenge and try to show off and wreck my vehicle.
So I told him no. He was angry and texted me “I looked like a poor loser, thanks” and refused to talk to me after. Should I have let him? I feel bad for letting him look bad in front of people who wronged him.”
Another User Comments:
“There would be no way I would lend such an expensive car to anyone that shallow enough to care about making an impression at a HS reunion. You would have to be insane to even consider doing so. If all your brother could afford is a Corolla, there is no way I would trust him with such a rare car.
Not to mention the risk of someone else damaging the car at the reunion. NTJ.” Windermyr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your car, you aren’t obligated to loan it to anyone for any reason. And your brother wanted it for a pretty stupid reason. You didn’t explicitly say, but it sounds like you had other nice cars that you would have lent him but he was insistent on only the Ferrari.
Either way, it would be silly. Especially in the age of social media. He could probably get the same effect just posting a new profile pic of him next to your car.” Analyst_Lady
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. You say you’ve lent him your cars before, so I can see why he thought you might again.
To justify your refusal, you invented dire scenarios where he might race or wreck your car. Seems like you’re catastrophizing to ruin his night. I’m fluent in passive-aggression and that’s what I hear. I suspect you despise your brother’s lack of ambition/success and capitalized on the opportunity to deny him.
Having said that, your brother’s a jerk who should own his truth. If you take life’s scenic route, spend money irresponsibly, work lateral jobs without upward momentum — that’s the life you choose. That life comes with a beater car. Sad tuba, whomp-whomp. If he’s ashamed of his station, he should improve it.
Go to school. Move somewhere with an attainable cost of living. If he was so embarrassed, he was always able to forego the VOLUNTARY reunion.” [deleted]
6. AITJ For Letting My Half-Brother Walk Home After An Argument On The Way To Visit Our Dying Mother?
“My mom is dying. She is currently in palliative care. My (28F) half-brother (35M) has mental health issues and is relatively unable/unwilling to take care of himself.
As such, I drive him to and from the palliative care center to see our mom.
For context, I was raised by our mother, and he was raised by his father. We did not grow up together, and our relationship isn’t great. I try really hard to be respectful and kind, but he is an angry and bitter man, and he seems to have an axe to grind with me (I think he is resentful that I have my stuff together and he doesn’t).
Anyway, we’re driving to the palliative care center, and he starts going off about how my aunts/uncles are acting too eager for my mom to die by clearing out her belongings from her apartment. This is a point of contention because my aunts/uncles and I have taken all of that burden on ourselves, and my half-brothers have not been helpful at all.
I reply that we need to do it sometime soon because her lease is going to expire – she is dying and will not be returning home. In a really condescending tone, he says something to the effect of “Listen here, little lady… you don’t get to run the show, blah blah blah.”
Of course, this upset me, but I am aware that tensions are high, we’re both emotional and stressed, so I check myself before I respond. Then, I calmly say “please don’t speak to me like that – I am not a child. Don’t call me little lady”.
He replies with “why do you have to be such a mean person?” which sets me off. I retort with “Listen here, little man, I am not going to let you talk to me like that.” This really upset him, and while the car was stopped, he got out and started walking back from the direction we came from.
We were probably about halfway between where I picked him up and the palliative center, which was easily an hour’s walk either way.
For a moment, I considered going back to convince him to come with me, but I decided he was an adult and made his decision to get out and walk home.
So, I continued driving to the palliative center and visited my mom alone.
Now he thinks I am a jerk for not coming back to get him, especially since this will be “one of the last visits with Mom”. I know he has mental health issues, and obviously, this is a really stressful time for both of us.
Maybe I should have just taken a breather and then gone back to get him? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You tried to get him there, and you respected his decision as an adult to get out of the car. Since you don’t mention him having a legal guardian/you being a caretaker it sounds like he is well enough to have some autonomy over himself and responsibility for his actions.
You can’t force him where he doesn’t want to be. I also assume that you both have cell phones so he could have called, apologized, and asked for a ride. He didn’t.” Wunderbabs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He got to learn the meaning of messing around and finding out the hard way.
He’s a grown man and if he wants to ditch out of a car and walk home, that’s his prerogative, mental health issues or not. His attitude about you and your aunts and uncles is likely rooted in him and your other half-brothers giving pretty much zero care about you.
He’s probably jealous that you got time with your mom that he didn’t growing up, which is not your problem. Don’t feel bad about what you did, or even worry about it. I don’t get why a man more than a decade older than you has to use you to drive him back and forth to begin with.
There have to be other people in his life who can drive him if he can’t drive himself. You don’t need to be worrying about him and his life. You just spend as much time with your mom as you can, and live your life the way you see fit.
Forget about your half-brother.” pryzzlicious
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say something that I will probably get a lot of hate for. I feel sorry for your brother. Growing up he had to have felt discarded by your mother. That HE was never good enough to live with her.
That she loved you more and didn’t love him. (I have no idea about the custody agreement). Now she’s dying and he will never get that chance. He now is watching all of you clear out her apartment and he once again is not a part of her life.
No wonder he is an angry and bitter man as you mention. Once again he is being discarded by your family. In no way am I invalidating your suffering. I lost my mom 5 years ago on Easter Sunday. I think due to emotions you overreacted a little bit to him calling you little lady.
I’ve been in his shoes discarded by both my father and stepfather. I’m sorry you have to go through this. He’s not jealous of you having your stuff together he’s jealous because you got to have a life with your mom he never did.” Prize_Patience_2552
5. AITJ For Throwing My Book At The Glass Window Of The Cafe?
“Every day I go to the cafe that’s a few blocks from my place to drink a coffee, get some reading in, and generally just chill out.
There’s a seat that I pick every day that has a large shade umbrella that provides some shade in the heat.
Today, while I was in the middle of a really emotional passage in a book, the umbrella dislodged from its post in the wind and fell on top of me and spilled my drink all over the book and a little bit of my brand new MacBook.
In a fury, due to being in that part of the book where the main character is confronting his two-timing wife, and having just received the MacBook that I had saved up for 2 years, I picked up my wet book and threw it at the big glass window of the cafe, making a huge BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!
sound. I immediately realized my mistake and apologized profusely as the baristas walked out of the cafe yelling at me. At that point, I stopped apologizing and explaining to them that their umbrella had fallen on me and I was going to sue them (heat of the moment bluff for sure but in the moment was really considering it).
At this point, voices started to be raised.
The manager came out and immediately told me I was permanently banned from the cafe. At that point I realized I was overreacting and started profusely apologizing for what had happened, calmly explaining that I was in a very intense part of the book I was reading which is why I got angry.
I was being very calm at this point, but they decided to go all in and raise the steaks by saying they were calling the police.
Again I must note I was very calm at this point – but the threat to call the police rubbed me the wrong way, so I pulled out my phone to start recording the situation so I would have evidence if it went to court.
I pointed the camera at the umbrella and told the camera (and loudly so everyone could hear) what had happened and that I was going to press charges. At this point, I was angry again, even after I tried to neutralize the situation by apologizing, so I admit I raised my voice at this point.
the manager got her iPhone out and started acting like she was calling the cops so I got out of there ASAP.
I think there are definitely two sides here – considering the umbrella fell on me, and the overreaction when I was calmly explaining what had happened. But the waters are fuzzy on this one since it’s a bit of a complex situation with high emotions from both parties.
I’m thinking about going back to make amends and explain what exactly had happened since I go to the cafe every single day and I definitely miss going there, as the closest other cafe is more than a mile away. Thank you for reading and your time, hope I can get some perspective here.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Grownups do not throw things, especially at glass. Get control of your temper. And got heaven’s sake, do NOT try to go back to that cafe. They’re convinced you’re dangerous and they have good reason to think so… if you show up, even to try and make amends, all they will see is that you refuse to respect their boundaries.
Which will only show them *even more* that you are dangerous and cannot be trusted. You don’t get your ban rescinded that way. Or, most likely, any other; except *maybe* by waiting it out and trying again in several years when they may have forgotten who you are.
You’ve made a proper mess of this and you’re not going to erase the consequences anytime soon. Leave them alone.” VoyagerVII
Another User Comments:
“THEY RAISED THE STEAKS?!? *has mental image of people with waist aprons holding up t-bones* *snorfles* YTJ. AND you have anger issues and need anger management classes.
So your reading got interrupted at a key moment and YOU TAKE IT OUT ON THE BOOK? Jerk. So a staffer runs out to find out what happened and you apologize and then flip your lid AGAIN and THREATEN TO SUE? Jerk. The manager comes out and bans you from the cafe and threatens to call the police so you whip out your phone and start recording (instead of, you know, running off like they wanted)?
Jerk. Then you MAKE YOURSELF ANGRY AGAIN by recounting what happened to your audience of phone, and start yelling at them again? JERK. And it took the manager taking out her phone to ACTUALLY call the police to get you to finally achieve an IOTA of self-awareness and slink off?
JESUS, WHAT A JERK! Like, I get being angry and yelling when an umbrella falls on you, but EVERYTHING you did after that was evidence of someone who needs to be removed from society for their own and everyone else’s safety. YTJ.” JadieJang
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. What happened to the umbrella would fall under the act of God whereas what you did was a purposeful action that if you had been better at throwing could have caused physical harm to not just you but other people around you if that glass had shattered. You then escalated the situation by screaming and threatening to sue.
At this point, the only recourse they had was to ask you to leave the premises. You are in a situation entirely of your own making. There are no two sides here. The waters are not fuzzy. You behaved poorly repeatedly and as a result, you are now banned from your favorite cafe.
No amount of amends is going to fix that. It would be highly unwise for an establishment to let you come back after your repeated threats of lawsuits. You need to find a new cafe and you need to seek out professionals to help you find healthier ways of expressing your emotions.
A book, no matter how engaging should never bring you to this point.” swedeintheus
4. AITJ For Getting A Tattoo Without My Partner's Permission?
“I am 19 in college and she is 18 in high school going to college an hour away from me next year. My first semester I went through a lot of crap to get where I am and I am incredibly proud of my work so with parental permission I got a peacock tattoo on my ankle.
No big deal I was assuming.
Turns out it’s a big deal and now my partner is threatening to break up with me. She is mad saying how my style was already garbage and how she has waited for me to fix it and I never did and I told her I was willing to work with her to help that.
Then she finds out about this tattoo and now says she’s threatening to break up with me.
She sent the tattoo to her whole family and they have all sent the pic to me saying how gross and bad it is. Even though my family loves it.
She’s mad that I did not ask for permission and says it doesn’t fit her values of how we should be together, currently in crisis mode trying to work this out. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Babe, you’re working so hard and you should be proud and able to celebrate that however you like.
You have so much to look forward to, and so many experiences in the present that deserve your energy far more than a negative relationship at this point in your life. It sounds like you may be outgrowing her, and maybe she knows that, hence her making this weird power play.
Go ahead and grow. This isn’t a crisis, it’s a threat. And she got her family to gang up on a 19-year-old. That’s not love, honey. Now get out there and show off that tat.” Brilliant_Rock_5230
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve been married for over 10 years.
Recently I decided I wanted a tattoo. I contacted a tattooist and had him help me design it. Then I asked my spouse when we could afford it. I never asked for permission. My SO told me we had the funds available now, so I scheduled an appointment and got the tattoo.
I did show the design to my SO beforehand because I wanted their opinion. I did make a minor change to the design based on that opinion. My SO only made the suggestion because they knew I wasn’t a big fan of the color being used, not because they didn’t like it.
It’s your body dude. Do what makes you happy. Let her break up with you. Be with someone who is happy that you’re you.” Ninja_Dolphin
Another User Comments:
“Wow so NTJ. She doesn’t get to dictate what you do. If she doesn’t like “your style,” then she clearly isn’t interested in you, just the you she can control and make into her image.
You don’t have to change for her. If the tattoo makes you happy and your partner doesn’t, then that should tell you a lot. I recently had a similar experience from the other side. My fiancee knows I’m not a fan of tattoos, but she wants to get a third one.
She asked me for permission to which I said “You don’t need my permission. If it makes you happy, then get one.” You do you, and she can either accept you or walk away.” DeathSheep666
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Meet My Biological Family?
“I (24f) was adopted and so was my sister Lena (23f). Our parents had a bio daughter, our older sister Katie (27f).
Lena decided she wanted to meet her biological family and found out her biological mom had married and had more kids. They’re all nice people. Her half-siblings are a little much at times and they have been on me to track down my biological family.
But I made the decision years ago that I had no interest in knowing anything about my biological mother. To me, my parents are the only parents I want and my family is my parents and my two sisters.
My sister’s siblings have told me I’m being selfish and cruel and that it would have killed them and their mom if Lena hadn’t wanted to meet them.
And to imagine the family I have out there looking for me. I told them I had my family and I was happy. Lena told them every adoptive person has a different wish and they needed to drop it. Their mother tore them both new ones when they claimed I should want to meet my real family because even she realizes that my parents are Lena’s real parents.
It happened again a couple of weeks ago and I told them what I do with my life is none of their business and they had no right to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do. I lost it after I found out they were asking my parents about my biological mother.
My parents told them nothing but it annoyed me.
They said I was a jerk and that I was making it clear they weren’t wanted. Which is so far from the truth but they’re 17 and 16 so maybe I was too harsh?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Holy cow. I was adopted also. When I was younger I didn’t know if I wanted to meet my biological parents. I felt 50/50 about it. I knew my biological mom’s name and the area she lived in. I also had a phone number of someone who knew her.
My abusive ex-partner took it upon himself to find her while I was at work. He called me at work and told me he found my biological mom. I got upset and left work. I was mad. This was in 2000. We were eating dinner and my biological mom called my crappy Nokia cell phone and asked me if I was willing to come see her.
She lived an hour and a half away. We ended up going because I didn’t know how to say no.
We got to the house which was a small camper from the 1970s and my bio uncle asked my partner to take him to the store to buy beer.
My mom’s 3 sisters were there and within 30 minutes of being there, my biological mom pulls out a pipe and starts smoking right in front of me. I got angry and ended up leaving. My partner told me my uncle was smoking on the way to the store also.
I was upset.
My partner got angry because I wasn’t grateful that he found my biological mom. I was angry because I realized I didn’t want to meet her and it was a bad situation all around. He acted like it was this grand romantic gesture but really it was a nightmare.
I ended up breaking up with him and this was one of the reasons why. My biological mom kept calling me and I ended up telling her to never call me again. I really didn’t know what to say. Now that I’m older I realized how cruel what he did was.
Anyone who tries to do that is a jerk. I hope they stop digging. It’s none of their business. It is YOUR choice and there are no wrong choices here. Thank you so much for the gold and kind messages!! I really appreciate it! You guys are awesome!!
This isn’t a topic I talk about often. I really hope OP’s half-sister and her half-sister’s bio family respect her boundaries!” TimeBomb666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are making it clear they aren’t wanted. By you. Their opinions are not wanted. Their thoughts are not wanted. And their presence is not wanted. By you.
And you don’t have to want them. They aren’t your family. Your daily is defined by your parents and sisters. You don’t recognize your sister’s biological siblings as your siblings. Because they aren’t. So any opinions they have about what you should do with your life are unwanted. And if they’re starting to feel that way maybe they should fall in line.” TashiaNicole1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – plenty of adopted children feel the same way as you. The reason you’re with the family you’re with doesn’t matter. You’re happy where you are and have no need for anything else. At their ages, they are likely imagining some beautiful and happy story, but it might not be that.
I have an adopted cousin who was adopted. His sister was also adopted, found her family, and was able to get some medical info, but had no interest in finding anything else out. Someone brokered the exchange of info and left it at that. He wanted to find out who his mom was and found her about 2 months after she passed away.
She was an addict, had no family or friends that he could find, and it made him pretty sad. Was she an addict before or after he was born? Was giving him up for adoption the reason she became addicted and died? All of these what-ifs that will never have an answer.
You aren’t being too harsh. You just aren’t interested and they are old enough to understand that this isn’t up to them.” ToxicLogics
2. AITJ For Yelling At My Sister After She Announced Her Pregnancy Following My Wife's Miscarriage?
“My wife “Hailey” (29F) and I (29M) were very close growing up.
We lived next door and spent the majority of the time together. Our parents were hoping we would end up together. We went our separate ways in college and started seeing each other after graduation. I proposed to her and we got married last year.
Hailey and my sister “Jess” (32F) do not get along. Jess went out with Hailey’s brother and things turned ugly. It’s caused a lot of stress between the families. Jess and I aren’t close but are friendly when we see each other. Jess is now happily married and lives in another state.
Hailey and I have been trying for the past couple of months to get pregnant. Two weeks ago we received the devastating news that she had miscarried. It has taken a huge toll on her and I’ve been doing everything I can to be supportive.
Friends and family have been great as well.
We celebrated the Easter holiday early as some family was not able to make it over the weekend. Jess kept asking Hailey questions about the miscarriage and I told Jess to back off. When it came time to eat, Jess had a huge smile on her face and announced the pregnancy.
Her husband looked shocked and got up from the table. Hailey started crying and excused herself.
This is where I might have been the jerk. I looked at my sister and started yelling at her for everything. She starts screaming at me for being a terrible brother and embarrassing her in front of the family.
Our parents get involved and I go to comfort Hailey. We left and I haven’t spoken to her. Our parents want us to work things out for the sake of the family.
AITJ for my reaction when my sister announced her pregnancy?”
Another User Comments:
“Sister Info: THE HUSBAND DID NOT KNOW SHE WAS PREGNANT??? Or was he shocked that his wife put the news out in this manner? This makes me wonder: if the husband did not know, is this a ruse? Is this about the “coveted” first grandchild status?
Is this about “I beat you to the cradle bro!”? Is the sister socially inept, autistic, obtuse, or just plain cruel? Hard, flaming idiot = sister. Soft, understandable idiot = OP – better part of valor would have been to just get your wife and leave. A simple parting of, “I can’t believe your unadulterated cruelty,” would have been enough to explain you and your wife’s exit.
It might not have been satisfying, but you could not be accused of losing it on a pregnant woman. (which is bad form for reasons you already know.) OP, to you and your wife I would like to extend my condolences. (I can truly understand the pain and grief you are experiencing.) Sending healing thoughts and gentle prayers your way.” No-Net8938
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What I don’t understand is why: a) Jess kept asking questions about Hailey’s miscarriage if it made her uncomfortable and then; b) Announced to everyone, knowing full well about the miscarriage and the recentness of it, that she is pregnant. Jess seems thoughtless and inconsiderate and I can see why you were both upset.
I wouldn’t dream of ever doing this to another family member (or anyone for that matter!) Sorry for your loss, OP.” Cry_Original
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I think your sister is a jerk in this situation because she purposely used her pregnancy to hurt your wife.
That was obvious by how she made it a point to continuously ask your wife about her miscarriage moments before announcing her pregnancy. Everyone knows miscarriages are difficult and not a pleasant topic of discussion, especially right after it happened. And the fact that her husband didn’t even know yet or seem happy about it makes me wonder if she just found out and only announced it at that moment because she knew it would hurt your wife.
I mean, why wouldn’t she tell her husband privately first then announce it to the family? Seems intentional.” Such_Ad7626
1. AITJ For Not Inviting My Best Friend To My Family-Only Baby Shower?
“I’ve known my best friend for 7 years now. A couple of years ago, she had her first child. Her baby shower was family-only, and she had family both locally & out-of-state for it, even distant relatives. At the time, we didn’t live near each other and it didn’t bother me that I never got an invite.
I bought things from her registry and gifted them to her privately.
About a year ago, I moved closer (not just to hang out with her more, but that’s a perk). We see each other pretty regularly but not all the time since we’re still about an hour apart.
Now I’m having a baby, and my mom insisted on throwing a baby shower. It’s not something I really want; I’m not close with my family, so it’s a headache to have them all flying in. I’ve also been planning for this baby for years, so I’ve already made or purchased almost everything that would be on a registry.
I mentioned the baby shower off-handedly to my best friend (not for the first time, but it’s a week away now), and she confessed to me now that she’s a little hurt about not receiving an invite. It didn’t even occur to me; the invite list, like hers was, is family-only and I’m mostly in the dark about the event since I’m not planning it.
I think it would likely be too late to invite her, and she wouldn’t know anyone else there besides me. Was I the jerk for not inviting her?”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. When it was her baby shower, you lived far from each other and did not see each other much and it made sense that you were not invited. Now you see each other regularly and she is your best friend.
She might not know your family, but she will know you. I think an invite would have been nice and the decision to come or not would have been hers.” Various-Bridge-325
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re not planning it, you don’t want it, and it’s not even filled with people important to you.
Your friend also did not do something wrong and her feelings are valid but they’re also her own to deal with in this situation. It doesn’t mean anything about your opinion of her and it shouldn’t affect your relationship given this context.” why-per
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your friend has a point, maybe it would be worth explaining it to her and saying, I’m not doing this event for myself but because my mum wants me to etc etc, and it will only be relatives, you could come if you wanted to, but it’s not necessary… or something along those lines.” [deleted]
