People Are Restless To Find Out Who's To Blame In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Letting My Step-Daughter Call Me Mom?
“So I (21F) have a step-daughter (5F) who lives with me and my fiancé. He has full custody and the mother of the child takes her about 2 nights a month.
I’ve been in the child’s life for more than 2 years now so she was 3 when we first met. Since I’m the adult woman she sees more often, she started slipping up and calling me mom from time to time. She usually corrects herself and calls me by my name which I’m very much fine with.
In public, people have a tendency to refer to me as her mom. She never corrects them and neither do I because more often than not it turns a 20-sec interaction into a few-minute one for nothing.
Well, last week, we drove her to her mother’s place and she turned back to me and said: ‘bye mom!’ If her mother’s eyes could have killed me I would have been dead on the spot.
She left without saying anything but texted me later that day asking how this could have happened since she’s supposed to call me only by my name. I explained that as a child she does say it only impulsively when she’s excited or has big emotions. She blew up on me. Leaving me voice messages yelling that I’m trying to steal her daughter from her and insulting me profusely.
I don’t know what to think… I feel like by correcting her all the time she would start to stop herself from talking to me when she has those big emotions by fear of slipping up…
Edit: Most people recommended we choose another name for me. I really don’t see how that could work since the times she calls me mom are always so impulsive she doesn’t really think about it just like when anyone would call their teacher mom.
The way she refers to me on a regular basis is just my first name.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This is a new situation for you and you’re not sure how to navigate it, and your logic isn’t wrong. On the other hand, the kid’s bio mom is feeling edged out and like she’s losing her daughter to a total stranger.
If the two of you are going to be in contact with each other for the rest of your lives, it benefits the two of you to have a sit-down chat about the situation and try to hash things out. For the sake of your kid, you should be doing the best you can to have a cordial (if not friendly) relationship with her bio mom.
This doesn’t need to turn into a huge ordeal, there are ways around this besides, ‘I’m not your mom, stop calling me that.’ The girl’s old enough that she should understand that people can have their feelings hurt, and her bio mom is her mama no matter what, even if you’re her ‘other mama.’ Maybe you can convince her to call you ‘Mama OP’ instead of just ‘mom,’ that way you get a nice middle ground where you still get an honorary title but you’re not usurping bio mom’s slot.” R3dM4g1c
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, clearly your stepdaughter feels very comfortable around you so she is able to call you mom because to her, you are a motherly figure. This is really cute because clearly, you are really close to each other. You did nothing wrong. I think the mom was frustrated because she felt jealous that her daughter was calling you mom, but the way she is acting is unreasonable.
She is very hurt but the way she took it out on you was very jerky. You can’t control what your stepdaughter says but set boundaries with the mom.” wormsgiveadvice
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ
She has a mother. Overstepping her real mother’s boundaries does nothing but harm the already stressed relationship. Don’t try to replace her mother, and you do need to extend this to your husband’s daughter.
They are her parents and in these early years, BOTH need to be amicable and work on their co-parenting relationship. Your husband is the one with majority custody, but that doesn’t mean her mom doesn’t want to be in her life or be replaced.
If later on when your husband’s daughter is a bit older and is able to understand more nuance and still wants to call you mom then have that conversation then.
I cannot stress enough how damaging to the co-parenting relationship this is, it will only cause animosity and harm to try and replace her mother. Know your role.” PaleMarionette
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she should be able to call you what she wants/she calls you mom because that’s what she sees you as – not even because of the time she spends – yeah she’s with you more but clearly in that time you make a real positive impact to her life so correcting her every time she calls you it would hurt her I believe – ‘why doesn’t she want me calling her mom’ – she could feel rejected if you tell her not to call you that.
The ex is obviously upset & jealous but hey, she needs to think about what’s best for her kid too.” England_emma
15. AITJ For Assuming That The Car Was A Gift?
“I’m a 26 f from Connecticut. I am the daughter of two extremely frugal and cheap parents. Growing up the gifts were more about a low price tag than actually getting me something special, something I wanted, or something related to my interests. It made me feel bad because I’m an only child and I felt like my parents didn’t know who I was and didn’t put any effort into making me feel special. I often got made fun of growing up because my parents refused to buy me clothes, so I always looked disheveled. My mom always vented to me about finances as a child and I learned to stop asking for things, even money for lunch because they always complained and accused me of being spoiled.
1.5 years ago on my 25th birthday my parents were out of town on vacation at their second house. I didn’t know what I wanted and didn’t ask for a gift so I didn’t expect anything other than a ‘happy birthday’ text. I got a card and inside it were two photos. One was of a used Volkswagen and the other a used roof rack with a few missing pieces.
A week later they dropped both off and I have been using them ever since. I started crying because I don’t think anyone has ever given me anything so nice or special. I was tearing up because they knew how much I loved my old station wagon and was sad I was forced to sell it.
I also had a really difficult childhood and I felt like it was a gesture that they were trying to make up for all the strained years we had. I felt so surprised because I really expected nothing and I cried about it to my friends.
Fast forward to today, my dad makes a joke about selling the Volkswagon and after a few other exchanges, I realize the car was never mine.
My parents start making fun of me for thinking anyone would receive a car as a gift and once again suggest I’m spoiled and entitled. Apparently, the used roof rack was the gift. Now I’m upset because I feel like they toyed with my emotions and the special warm feeling I had doesn’t mean anything now.
I told them if it wasn’t a gift they shouldn’t have included the photo of the car in my birthday letter. The only reason there is any miscommunication is that they never said the car wasn’t mine and weren’t even there for my birthday. I’m not upset the car isn’t mine or that I won’t get it.
I at least have a car to use. I’m upset because this isn’t the first time I’ve gotten my hopes up only to be disappointed later because they forgot or changed their mind. It makes me feel manipulated. I’m upset because they keep pushing this narrative that I’m entitled. I’m upset because I showed them the old video of me crying on my birthday and they laughed about it.
EDIT: I’ve already started to not engage with my parents. I definitely view our relationship differently now that I realize their limited acts of kindness can be taken away or have some type of string attached to it. I originally gave them another shot because I did view these nice acts as a gesture of their investment in improving our relationship or making up for all the past mistakes.
But I’m starting to realize a lot of their actions are very half-hearted and I don’t feel the same. I don’t want the Volkswagon or any other gift they may give. I’ve set my mind on buying another car.
I’m focusing all my energy on moving, working on the areas of myself that are unresolved, and investing in myself.
It’s really sad to think I’m not going to ever have the relationship with my parents that I wanted or just have real parents in general. I feel really overwhelmed with all the parts of myself I need to rehabilitate in order to get to a place where I can have healthy friendships.
It’s going to take time. I’m trying to give myself a few small things to work on every day so I don’t get too stressed out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am very sorry OP you have to endure such cruel behavior from your parents, your feelings are valid and you have all the right to be sad/upset!
Parents are supposed to be the ones who protect you, uplift you, and make you feel loved and safe, and yet they are acting the exact opposite. What you are describing is straight-up gaslighting (making you think that you are the problem by saying that you are spoiled and acting like it was evident that the car wasn’t yours) and psychological and emotional mistreatment.
They even seem to take pleasure in making you suffer & belittling you.
What annoys me the most is that you endured their behavior all of your life; I mean you were even refused clothes and lunch money as a child who solely depends on them, but they have a vacation home? How can they be so cheap, so cruel with you about finances and basic needs; yet have the $$$ for a second house and have no shame?
They are not frugal or cheap; they are simply awful.
Take care OP! I really wish you the best!” Myvas
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not entitled, they’re just selfish and don’t place any value on you as their child. When you mentioned their ‘vacation at their second home’, I knew they were absolute trash.
It’s not about the money spent. It’s not ‘entitled’ to want or expect something that makes you happy for your birthday. It’s about the thought and care they should have for their child. Their financial matters are not something they should have ever dumped on you, though from the sounds of it, you’re better off just cutting them off.
I’m so very sorry. You deserve better.” Rose-color-socks
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents sound like narcissists. Weird they can afford a second home but they can’t buy their only daughter and child birthday gifts. From someone who had narcissistic parents, I’d advise you to distance yourself far away from them or even go no contact.
It sounds like your parents have mistreated you for most of your life and will continue to do so. These people you call parents are parents in the biological concept only.
This is not how parents are supposed to act. Your parents are supposed to support you financially, emotionally, and psychologically in the healthiest way possible.
Your parents sound like narcissistic jerks.” User
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Void Our Prenup?
“So I (F 32) have been married to my husband (M 34) for 6 years. Before we got married he had me sign a prenup stating that our financials would always be separate and the only thing we would share was an expense account to pay for household-related fees.
The reason for this was that he was making pretty good money and I was in graduate school so my financial situation was pretty bad but I signed nonetheless because I understood he wanted to protect himself. Anyway fast forward to now, I’ve been out of school for about 4 years and I make more than 3 times as much as he does.
(I never asked how much he makes and he’s never asked me either).
Anyway, 2 weeks ago I told him that I was thinking about buying a new car as the one I had was really old since I had had it since my undergraduate days. He wasn’t really interested and just told me to get whatever I liked. So a week ago I decided to make the plunge and get an Audi, I was pretty excited as I had always wanted one… (at the time my husband was on a business trip, he got back yesterday) and I showed him my car… he was really happy for me, however later he asked me what my monthly payments were as the Audi was pretty new… at this point, I told him that I had made the purchase in cash and that I had no monthly payments.
He was taken aback and asked what money and I answered that I made more than enough to be able to afford it. He didn’t talk after that and I thought that was that.
However, after a few hours, he came back to me and told me that he thinks we should void the prenup… This is where I might be the jerk – I laughed in his face and asked him why I would agree to that and his answer was that we’re married and should share our financials.
So I told him that we’ve been married for 6 years and yet we’ve never shared financials and I was fine with what we were doing, and his sudden change of heart was very suspicious. He called me a bunch of names and stormed out and didn’t come home and I guess he told his family about our fight and they called to berate me and say how he supported me while I was in school (he didn’t) and now am wondering if I was the jerk?
Edit: I knew his salary when we got together, however, he’s since gotten promoted, and at first when I used to ask he would make comments that it was rude of me to ask how much he made so I stopped…he’s never really been interested in my career or job and we don’t bring our work home… The reason I make 3x what he makes (I made the assumption from what I knew his salary had been) is because I work as a CRNA (Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist) and he works as a software engineer.
My husband was only my second relationship and I guess I was too caught up in school, work, and debt to really see that my marriage was a sham….am not blameless which is hard to swallow, so I am going to have a conversation with my husband and see where we go from here if anywhere.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – he thought he was being slick with the prenup. And he thought all this time that he was making more than you. Now you’ve burst his bubble. He’s the jerk here, not you. But now watch him try to penny-pinch everything you do together. If you want to go out, you’re paying.
If you buy a new oven, he’ll want more than half because ‘he doesn’t cook’ or if you go on a trip, he’ll keep score of everything he paid for and ask you to Venmo him.
I don’t know how you’re married to someone like this, but tell him what you make is none of his business.
You contribute your half just as you always have. You’re not a jerk for making good money and for not sharing it. If it was the other way around, he made you sign a legal document that he wouldn’t share with you. Don’t let his trashy financial situation mess you both up.
Even if he’s fine with money, he will think this means he has more. And he doesn’t. You do.” Acceptable_Banana_13
Another User Comments:
“So, it was fine if you two divorced leaving you with no funds and debt. But now that he knows you have money, he wants to change a legal document that should only be a concern if the marriage falls apart.
That just makes it sound like he plans on the marriage failing now.
Also, it is not rude to want to know how much he makes. I don’t know what fantasy you two were living where you could just buy whatever and not worry about how much funds you had left from bills, but it is normal for couples to know how much the other makes.
A lot of people know how much is in each other’s bank accounts.
Money is one of those things that can drive a wedge in a relationship at any time. Normally at 6 years, you would have already had these talks and become comfortable with knowing each other’s financial state. Instead, he wanted to hide his income (which I don’t understand why, he had the prenup, not like you could take anything from him) and this is the consequence of that.
NTJ, good luck figuring this out.” karak15
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ
This is not a marriage, hun. In marriage, you are a family. You take care of each other. He’s like all these other men out here that claim all women are nothing more than gold diggers. He was planning for a divorce before you even married. That’s a terrible mentality.
Marriage isn’t 50/50. It’s 100/100. Anyone who doesn’t think that way shouldn’t get married. Marriage isn’t a right. It’s a vocation, and it’s not your husband’s calling—at all. You can do better. In fact, you deserve better.
He clearly doesn’t care about you. There’s no love in your marriage.
And if you think about it, he’s a narcissist. I know people throw this word around a lot these days, but he’s the classic textbook definition. He’s manipulative and he’s also controlling. This whole thing just shows he’s a very controlling man. I can’t tell you what to do, but you’re better off divorcing.
But that’s going to be your call hun.” ImaginaryBar9817
13. AITJ For Reminding My Mom About The Responsibility Of Having Kids?
“My mom was just venting to me (14F) and she said that we (my siblings+me) are the reason for her ‘problems’ and just blamed us for everything, I don’t know what I was thinking but I just straight up said ‘mom you decided to have us and you should be signed up for everything that comes with having kids’ and she just started yelling at me and told me that I should stop pretending to know so much and just act my age.
This happened last night and I think I should have just let her vent instead of interfering, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your mom shouldn’t have blamed you for her problems. NTJ for speaking up for yourself. I’m sorry she treated you like that. You are NOT the reason for her problems. Kids are not always easy to raise, but like you said, you sign on for it when you decide to have kids.
Always keep that in mind. It’s not you.
Your mom sounds like she’s struggling with things, and she’s not handling things well. If you need someone to talk to about your feelings regarding her, you could try a guidance counselor at school if you have good ones.” MalsPrettyBonnet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She told you to act your age but she is putting her grown-up stress on you.
Your observation was actually very mature because you were able to understand that she was being inappropriate. Having kids is stressful and people should put more thought into having them. The children are not to blame here. She needs to get a therapist or some friends her own age to vent to. What she is doing is psychologically damaging to you kids.” Cuteanimalsmakemecry
Another User Comments:
“And what would acting your age in this instance be exactly? I’m always curious about the parent’s logic in these situations.
She’s dumping her issues on her children, which is not cool as it’s a form of mistreatment to treat your children as your personal therapist. However, her ‘venting’ is also in the form of blaming you for all of her problems.
So, would acting your age be quietly taking her nonsense? Sitting there and saying nothing as she demonizes you for her problems? Maybe apologizing for your existence and walking on eggshells so she can hyper-focus on something else to blame you for?
The fact is that this isn’t your job to be burdened with. You’re right.
100% right actually. Parents should at least be mentally prepared for the fact that at a minimum they’re responsible for 18 years of looking after a child. That is a choice they make of sound mind.
Your mother is behaving like a jerk because she couldn’t take the honest truth in this situation.
NTJ.” [deleted]
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Do Free Work For My Father-In-Law?
“Father-in-law’s great aunt passed a few months ago, a very kind, nice, and generous woman. He invited us over to her house yesterday as she had bought Christmas presents for my son and his cousins before she passed. We were told it was a family catch-up for a few hours in the morning to give the grandkids their presents.
I should have realized something was off when he asked me to bring a power drill and a handsaw to ‘borrow’.
So instead of family catchup, my brother-in-law and I were expected to spend our whole Saturday doing unpaid yard work while Great Aunt’s relatives milled about inside the house they’d just inherited. I politely declined, my wife and I hung around for a few hours watching the young cousins inside, and then told them all we had other plans and left. Cue butt hurt text message from SIL calling me selfish and demanding to know what other plans could be more important.
To be honest, Great Aunt was a nice old woman but she really wasn’t a fixture in our lives, I’d been to her house maybe twice before yesterday. I don’t feel I owe her relatives anything. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What business is it of your SIL what other plans you had?
It isn’t.
If you want, you can tell her you were misled and that this was a family catchup where everyone could enjoy each other’s company. Instead, you were supposed to spend the day doing yard work while Great Aunt’s relatives milled around inside the house. If you had KNOWN the actual circumstances, you would not even have shown up.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It doesn’t matter if your plans were to eat cheese in your undergarments on the couch, it is your time. If they wanted to ask you directly if you would help around the house, that’s one thing. But tricking you and then getting angry when you refused to go along with the tricky makes them the jerk.” KittenSnowMittens
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Borrowing tools from someone doesn’t mean, ‘Oh, since you are here and know how to use the tools, here is all this work you can do with them.’
No, you brought the tools because someone asked to BORROW them, which means that THEY intend to use them to do the work, not ask you to do it, while you miss out on the family event.” EvocativeEnigma
11. AITJ For Not Accepting My Step-Brother's Invited Guests To My Wedding?
“I am getting married soon and we have a pretty strict number of guests invited. I have invited family members and my own friends, & my partner his. My own siblings asked me if they could invite their friends and I told them it’s impossible because we have reached the maximum number of guests allowed. They have been fine with this.
Now, the problem is this. My stepbrother spoke with my mum (my biological mother and his stepmother) and said he wants to invite his work friends to the wedding. My mum said she didn’t say yes to him but nor did she specify no. She discussed it with my dad and dad was pretty annoyed because he understands my stepbrother has no right to do this.
My sister overheard this conversation and told me about it. I messaged my stepbrother & told him the guest list is full so he cannot invite anyone & other siblings have been told no too so I won’t make an exception for him. He called dad and told him about my message, stating he has already invited his work friends now & can’t disinvite them.
Dad has said he will discuss it with me & let him know.
When Dad asked, I told him no straight up. The guest list has been exhausted & I will not disinvite people I want at the wedding just because my stepbrother wants his work friends there. Now mom and dad are saying I should let him invite his friends as he has already told them so it will be an embarrassing situation for us all, & not everyone on the list will come anyway so there will be spare seats (something we can’t be certain about).
They are emotionally blackmailing me, telling me to let it slide this time despite my stepbrother being in the wrong. I have said no to dad but I feel bad. We haven’t had the best relationship with my stepbrother & I think mom and dad feel if I stand my ground on this, my stepbrother will not come to the wedding & it will look bad on the family.
So AITJ for saying no?
Edit: I am Asian and it is usually normal in our culture to invite anyone and everyone to our weddings. However, I am on a budget and there are only a specific number of guests being catered for so this is not an option for my wedding.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sit your family down and tell them they have two options.
The first option is at the wedding more people show up than there are spots for and the entire family is embarrassed because of the chaos it creates. Instead of enjoying your wedding day, you’ll have to explain to people that they need to leave because you are over capacity and have nowhere to sit.
Your family will be publicly humiliated as these guests take away spots from actual friends and family. You also may be fined by the location because of the excess guests.
The second option is to tell your stepbrother that he invited them then he can uninvite them. This will be embarrassing FOR HIM and HIM ALONE.
Who invites strangers to the couple getting married while not providing any financial assistance to pay for them?” EvanWasHere
Another User Comments:
“So basically it’s not possible for them to attend, but your parents are pressuring you to ‘let it slide’ and make the impossible happen? When it’s not your fault at all (you were very clear)?
It might be a culture gap with them not understanding your financial situation means you can’t go ‘traditional’ (with the guest list including anyone and everyone), but that doesn’t mean your situation will magically right itself, or that even if it could, that you have any obligation to cater to them for your own wedding.
You don’t even know these people, why would you want them at your wedding? And how is that fair to everyone else that your siblings wanted to invite, and you told them no?
It’s literally so easy to say to a friend ‘hey, I made a mistake, friends can’t go to the wedding. I’m sorry.
How about we go out to dinner the following evening instead?’ Or something. Like, he can’t be such a presumptuous baby. He needs to get over himself.
NTJ.” floatingwithobrien
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ
First of all, I personally think this is both your mom’s and stepbrother’s fault. I believe based on what you’ve written your mother knew you were on a budget and would not be able to afford any extra people that were not on the guest list. Your mom not telling your brother no is an issue itself and personally, I don’t really understand why she couldn’t respect your wishes.
Your stepbrother still inviting his friends to YOUR wedding when you had made it clear that you will not be inviting anyone else besides family and close friends, and him inviting them regardless just because your mom didn’t say yes or no is disrespectful within itself. If he so desperately wants his friends to come he can pay for the additional seats, also would just like to point out that this is your wedding day and he is a grown man so he doesn’t need his friends there.
If he so desperately wants to hang out with them, he can do so after the wedding. He is the one who invited them without your permission and should be able to uninvite them himself, if he feels embarrassed that isn’t your issue it’s his for inviting them and not listening when you said no multiple times.
I do understand that every culture is different especially when it comes to weddings but, at the end of the day, you and your fiancé are the ones paying, and if your family can’t respect that it doesn’t make you the jerk. Any relationship you have with a family member or friend will have strain and you’re always going to disagree and have issues.
You shouldn’t feel like a jerk, and I hope that you know you aren’t one, your family shouldn’t be pressuring you into allowing them to come to your wedding. This is meant to be one of the best days of your life and planning it should be stress-free.
So if I were you I would make it crystal clear that I will not be paying for additional seats at the wedding, especially not for those who weren’t invited.
OP, I really do hope that you are able to have a stress-free wedding and I do hope you do what is in your best interest and not settle for the sake of not ’embarrassing’ your stepbrother.
Wishing you the best of luck!” Appropriate-Diet4335
10. AITJ For Humiliating My Business Partner?
“I work at a company founded by me and my business partner, ‘Frank’, who is essentially a brother to me.
We met in college and decided that someday we would start a company. After our graduation, we decided to take the chance and pooled our savings. We have since taken on a third business partner, Isabelle. We struggled for a long while but now we are doing quite well for ourselves. That being said, Frank has recently taken a serious step back in our business.
We had extensive discussions about the situation as his choice revolved around serious personal matters.
Now, Frank only works ~2 days of the week and only gets seriously involved with high-profile clientele. To be clear: this is NOT a financial issue. Frank is doing fine. It initially caused a strain in our friendship, but we learned to separate our lives and our jobs and continued to be best friends.
We recently took on a very high-profile client. Frank was very involved off the bat. Our client was essentially his. I was excited for him and had no qualms about it as again, this wasn’t about money, and I felt as though this deal was reminding him why he was once so passionate about this job.
Then, the day of closing arrived. Unfortunately, Frank’s situation got in the way once more and he was unable to show up to the meeting. He called me frantically the day of, asking if I would cover, and I did without hesitation as I have done before. The deal went even better than expected: so well, in fact, that deal got us the attention of another big client.
Here is where things get complicated. In our initial meeting with our new client, the client specifically lauded Frank and made it very clear he wanted to work solely with Frank because of what he’d heard about the aforementioned deal and how well it had gone. He barely spoke to me. Frank had no qualms about taking credit for the entire deal, even though I was the one who actually secured the deal. I then spoke up and said, ‘actually, I’m the one who showed up at the meeting that day and secured the deal.’
The client laughed off having credited Frank and ended up entering into a contract with us that day. I thought everything had gone great until the client left and Frank was giving me the silent treatment. He claims I was unprofessional for ‘airing out a personal matter’ and pointing out that Frank didn’t close the deal. I assured him that I was only trying to ensure that he would form a professional relationship with me as well as it is likely that we will BOTH interact with this client in the future.
I don’t want him pursuing Frank’s services and being confused when he gets our combined efforts. Isabelle agrees that Frank should not take credit for a deal he did not close, but I’m less concerned about the business and more concerned about our friendship: Frank refused to get drinks with me and Isabelle after the deal, which has been a long-standing tradition for us.
He has never missed it. AITJ for being honest?
EDIT: To be clear, what I said was something along the lines of ‘I’m actually the one who secured the deal, I and Frank typically take on our work as a team and you would be entering a contract with the both of us.’ The client was not aware of this until I said it.
Frank did not HAVE to bail on the meeting, and what came up was not an emergency. I won’t elaborate because it is very specific and personal. While Frank primarily prepped for this meeting, the meeting was the catalyst in this deal and I had to manage all aspects of debate and barter. Frank profusely apologized to me for forcing me to do this with no prep, and then proceeded to take credit both with our former client and with the new one.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You need to understand, that as a business owner there is an art form to dealing with people. You don’t trash talk anyone, this goes not just for business owners, and top positions but even entry-level interviews would see a hard stop if someone said what you said. You can NOT throw people under the bus in broad daylight.
That’s a fact of life if you want to get far in it. You didn’t suddenly become important by pointing this out, you sounded petty and also made Frank look bad in the process. I am amazed that you actually landed the client.” forevernoob88
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It sounds like with the other client Frank did 99% of the work and you pushed it over the finish line.
It’s a team effort, for sure, but that means you also have to give the guy his due. Just as he should give you yours.
That being said, I think you both handled this poorly – you more than him. He should have been upfront off the bat about how your team would be supporting the client, but you should never have stepped in to draw attention to your efforts like you did.
You’re a team, not a party of one. That very much could have been saved for a later conversation, would have looked much better in terms of your company providing a united front to the new client, and wouldn’t have come off as you trying to publicly diminish the work that Frank did.” honey-smile
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. For whatever reason, Frank has prioritized another part of his life over the business, and that’s fine – in fact it’s healthy. But that has longer-reaching implications for pitching the business to new clients. You can’t mislead clients about who will be handling their caseloads; eventually, they’ll find out.
It’s unethical, it’s unprofessional, and it’s potentially detrimental to your business.
This probably should’ve been discussed before it came up, but that’s often easier said than done. Still, better late than never, and if you are more concerned about the friendship, then you need to have that full conversation as soon as possible.
In the best-case scenario, when a client is hyping up Frank, the message needs to come from Frank that they are hiring the full team. High-profile clients are good because their faith in you provides a greater degree of competency and relevancy in your market, but only if they’re happy.
Frank was misleading the client.
Perhaps there was a way to sell them on your abilities without besmirching him, but that was in Frank’s hands. You were on the spot and needed to adjust the client’s expectations before Frank had committed to work he couldn’t complete.” TurtleTheMoon
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You clearly resent the fact that Frank has taken a step back and only comes in when it suits him.
It sounds as though you do have grounds to be upset with him. But in front of an important client wasn’t the time.
It might be your choice of words in your post – if you just said ‘actually we handle all cases as a team and we can’t guarantee you can only interact with Frank’ that’s fair enough.
But I suspect you let your (justified) annoyance come across in how you phrased it.
Either way, you’re doing your company a disservice by pretending to be okay with Frank’s dipping in and out when you’re obviously not.
Hard to gauge how selfish he’s being without knowing the reason he’s stepped back, but it’s not fair to you that he only comes in for the high-profile clients and then takes sole credit on those cases when you should all be presenting a united front; he’s clearly not a team player.
How you dealt with this was passive-aggressive and you lost the moral high ground.” HiddenDestiny251
9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Have Food Delivered?
“My (f24) partner and I (m24) have been staying together during this crazy weather time. It’s snowed a lot in the last couple of days. My partner really wanted to order food and I had no problem with that.
The place she chose had no delivery driver and we’d have to order it from door dash. I refused because I used to work at a restaurant and door dash is a nightmare to work with and sucked up all of our profits. Plus the prices are absurd and I just don’t like supporting a company that harms small restaurants.
I told my partner that I’d drive and pick it up and she told me to stop being cheap and to just order from Doordash especially since the roads are icy.
Even though we would split the bill I still did not want to pay their ridiculous fees. Plus I grew up in a very cold state and I drove in wayyy worse road conditions.
I also own an AWD vehicle. I ended up picking it up and she insists that I was just being cheap and I risked my health just to save a few bucks. I tried explaining how I’m against DoorDash because of how much money they take from businesses. She said that she doesn’t want me getting hurt over a few bucks and some moral views.
So AITJ?
Edit: I see people saying that I’m fine with a house driver taking the risk. When I order from an in-house driver I know they’re being fairly compensated. They get the delivery fee, hourly wage, and tips. Plus I would’ve tipped like 20 bucks on a 40-50 dollar order just because of the trouble and hard work they put in.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re not ‘cheap’ for refusing to use DoorDash. She doesn’t want you to get hurt but wants one of their dashers to get hurt instead. They screw over small restaurants and food that normally costs $20 is now costing you sometimes upwards of $40-55 due to the prices being way more on DoorDash to compensate for fees, plus the fees they add on, and then you have the tip.
It’s not a few bucks, it’s sometimes saving 20+ dollars. I was going to order KFC from them recently and it was nearly $70 after everything!” alexinhorror
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – If I’m being honest I’d be more against a store’s delivery driver having to deliver than DoorDash. A store schedules you, you have no choice but to go in when it is icy because you need your job.
With DoorDash, you can start and stop whenever you want so you get to make that choice to be out there unlike someone on a schedule. It’s fine for you to stick to your beliefs, but I think it’s also fine for her to want to use DoorDash in this case.” Smurfum
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if she doesn’t understand the concept of acting according to your moral compass, she’s missing a couple of cylinders.
What I really wanted to say, though, is THANK YOU!
DoorDash – along with other segments of ‘the gig economy’ – takes advantage of people’s desperation and exploits not only the restaurants but also the workers, without contributing anything of value to anyone except their investors.
They’re strip-mining the economy, and I salute you for doing the right thing.” MarkedHeart
Another User Comments:
“I’ve worked in several restaurants and it is their choice to choose whether to partner with DoorDash, Deliveroo, JustEat, etc. If the restaurant owner chooses to do this, they understand that they are sacrificing a portion of their profits in turn for being more widely seen and advertised and reaching more customers.
It doesn’t seem like you’re giving the restaurant owner enough credit because they elected to make that business decision to partner with DoorDash.
Secondly, I am a delivery driver. If the weather concerns me, I don’t risk it. I’ve ended up having to abandon my car in adverse conditions when I discovered my roadside assistance didn’t cover anything to do with weather issues.
I had to just get it as parked as possible and come back for it a few days later when the snow and ice finally melted and I could get it up the hill. It wasn’t ideal lol so in the lead-up to winter I worked my butt off when the weather was mild, knowing that in December and January I was going to be working a lot less and having a lot less income coming in.
My personal choice, given my car and my lack of winter tires, is not to risk it and to earn less as a result. Some drivers that I work with LOVE this weather though as there are more orders, less competition from other drivers, and a chance to earn more, and they have vehicles with tires they feel comfortable driving with in this weather.
Restaurant owners and delivery drivers are human beings that make choices and you seem to be removing their agency from the picture. If a restaurant owner chooses to partner with DoorDash knowing they take some of their profits, but ultimately get more orders as a result, that is their call. And if a delivery driver chooses to work in this weather because they feel comfortable doing so, that is their call.
No jerks here, I guess? Thanks for looking out for us, but we can make our own decisions.” breakfastinthemornin
8. AITJ For Causing A Fight Between My Brother And His SO?
“My family owns a small local business making chocolate. My parents are retired, so it’s just me (f21) and my brother (m30) running it. We have a storefront where we sell the chocolates and a separate kitchen where we make them.
We recently had some bad luck where the three girls who worked at the store had to quit, leaving us with nobody to run the place (one got sick, the second had to focus on studies since her grades slipped, and the third moved out of state).
It was short notice, so in the meantime, I have to work at the store.
My brother works in the kitchen, so he can’t do it (and he’s really shy and hates talking to customers).
I have to work back-to-back shifts by myself seven days a week, and it’s exhausting. I also do sales, inventory, cleaning, etc. alone. My brother tries his best to help out, but I get that he needs to physically be in the kitchen to do his job.
Since this started, he’s taken to driving me to work in the AM and picking me up in the PM. I feel like it’s fair and convenient since we live 15 mins from the store. I also never complained that the store closes later than the kitchen (I get off at 8, and he gets off at 5.
But he’ll use that time to run errands like getting groceries for us). Lastly, because we’re in such a touristy area, there’s a lot of crime at night. My brother doesn’t feel safe with me closing alone especially since I need to empty the till.
It all blew up last week when my brother’s SO was at our place hanging out.
According to my brother, she had come over to eat dinner and watch something on TV. They finished dinner, but my brother told her they had to wait till after he picked me up to start the movie.
When he brought me home, his SO was totally frosty. She ended up cornering me in the kitchen while my brother was in the bathroom and accused me of being a ‘high-maintenance princess’.
I tried to explain to her that this was only temporary, but she wouldn’t listen. At one point she demanded that I apologize to her for ruining her night! To be fair, at that point I was really tired and pretty annoyed, so I started to raise my voice. By the time my brother came back, we were pretty much screaming at each other.
My brother tried to intervene, but his SO wouldn’t calm down. She said he had a choice: to either put her and their relationship first or me and our business. When my brother refused to answer, she told him that was all the answer she needed and left in a huff.
I think they’re really broken up, and I feel bad because I can tell my brother is pretty upset about it all.
He keeps telling me it’s not my fault, but I feel like this wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t get in a fight with his SO or just walked to work by myself.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ as she made it quite easy for him and included the business. Even here in Germany, most sane people would choose their business over a girl.
Couldn’t have been a long or healthy relationship if she breaks up so fast over something that trivial.
To be fair even without the business, you’d still be NTJ. It just makes it easier for your brother.
But I do recommend talking to your brother and checking whether it might be better to get a rental car paid for by your business for the time being.
Also, it might be advisable to shorten the open hours to actually be able to find and interview people for the open jobs.” mad-n-sane
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother’s ex didn’t just make him choose between you and her, she made him choose between her and his livelihood. Between her and the success of a family business.
Between her and the financial security of his family. Between her and his family. Having good family support, a job that pays the bills, and a successful family business that supports both him, you, and possibly your parents, is essential to his ability to be a functioning adult. I don’t think your brother’s ex even had a definitive end goal when she cornered you.
Does she want a broke, jobless, and eventually homeless partner? Clearly not. She was just throwing a temper tantrum because she didn’t get what she wanted; more of your brother’s time and attention.” fleshcoloredbanana
Another User Comments:
“Yeah NTJ.
Sounds like she and your brother were not communicating well and she let her frustrations build possibly instead of having a conversation with him, and she fixated on you as being the cause of the problem at that moment.
I can see why she might be frustrated (especially if they haven’t been able to hang out if he is also working 7 days a week?), but that should be a conversation between the two of them.
Honestly, it probably literally had nothing to do with you, you just became a symbol of what was going wrong with their relationship for her.
So those problems already existed, you didn’t break them up, you had the misfortune of just being the final straw that broke the camel’s back (but something would have happened even without you! Those problems didn’t exist only on that moment of her confronting you, they were already there and built up just waiting for a match to finally light it, and it would have happened if they weren’t communicating well, like I said you had the misfortune of wrong place, wrong time when it was finally the last straw for her.)
If your brother is working a lot, initially an SO could understand, until they begin to feel the impact on their relationship and the emotions of being lonely/their emotional needs not being met. It could cause a situation where she feels she could no longer express her frustrations to him because she knows he can’t change his situation or that it’s unfair for her to ask that, but then she has all these negative emotions building up that she ‘can’t’ direct at him, so it redirects to other things that somehow still represent that problem for her, and finally all those negative emotions come out like an explosion (all at once).
Like him picking you up.
Again, all those things existed EVEN if you were not involved with the situation in any way! Something would have broken the camel’s back, it was just a matter of time. It wasn’t you who broke them up, not really. Hopefully, this helps you see how you aren’t really the cause of the breakup since you said you feel like it wouldn’t have happened without you.” hopelessly_lost5
7. AITJ For Not Buying Gifts For My Half-Sisters?
“I (27M) am the oldest of my siblings, my parents divorced when I was 9ish years old. My mom remarried her Husband and had children again, two girls, but her husband forbid me to visit or to build a relationship with my maternal half-siblings. I lived with my little sister (24) with my father, he also remarried my stepmom, and they have my little bro (15).
My stepmom is a loving woman who cared for us and is generally a person I can respect, this is a reason why my little sister considers her as the only mom, and I, on my side, consider her as an elder of mine.
So the issue is, recently my little bro had his birthday and I decide to gift him a new Gaming setup (not high-end but about 3k all in all), like teens his age do, he posted it on social media and shared his happiness with his friends.
My half-sisters have noticed it because bro and half-sisters go to the same school and word spread fast, so they have told my bio mom.
My mom then contacted me, which was very odd, because we didn’t exchange a single word since the global crisis began. First, she asked the usual stuff, like ‘what are you doing?’, ‘How are etc.’, and then she asked me if I can ‘help’ with buying my half-sisters laptops, which didn’t surprise me because of course she wouldn’t call if she doesn’t need something.
So I told her to screw off. The whole extended family is now nagging me about this, but I don’t have any siblingish feelings or relationship with my half-sisters, and they are basically strangers at this point because I was not allowed to build a sibling relationship.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. People always come out of the woodwork when you have money that didn’t view you as someone worth spending two seconds of their time with when you didn’t have any.
Don’t let them ruin your day, ignore them and focus on the people that loved you and treated you like family all along.” forevernoob88
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mother, her husband, and the rest of the extended family are the jerks here.
Tell your extended family that you’re not wasting your hard-earned money on your mother’s two kids, that she’s responsible for buying them a laptop, and if she can’t then their father needs to step up and buy it for his kids.
If they all come back with but you’re family, turn around and tell them that yes on paper you are family, but she and her husband made sure that you’d never have a relationship with either of their daughters so it’s a case of too bad that their daughters miss out on great birthday gifts and they’ve only got their parents to blame, their father because he was jealous that his wife had kids before she met him, and their mother who chose her new husband over her eldest two kids, and the extended family who support these two adults, and if they really want to help they can buy these kids a laptop each.” G8RTOAD
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and the amount you spent on your brother is kinda moot.
Your mother stood by while you were denied a relationship with your sisters, half or otherwise, and then jumped to ask you for funds that she assumed you had. For something that they probably need for school (making it parental responsibility) or such.
And I wouldn’t be shocked if those laptops were about 1500 each so it wouldn’t be ‘helping’ it would be buying.” Annual-Contract-115
6. AITJ For Not Allowing My Son To Have Bottled Water?
“My son, 16, was diagnosed with depression two years ago, and has since been going to therapy twice a week and put on medication. I share 50/50 split custody with his dad.
A system his dad set up was buying eight two-liter bottles a week for him to have in his room so he doesn’t have to leave his room to drink.
He will drink more than two liters a day, and his dad occasionally gets him energy drinks and such.
We have been doing this in my house, but bottled water is expensive. I have five other kids with my husband, it’s an unnecessary expense we could do without. Plus, you know, plastic in the ocean.
So, instead, I got him a large water bottle and told him to fill it up as needed from the tap. This led to the slightly sticky situation of my son filling it and trying to make it last him all week so he didn’t have to refill.
He was pretty lethargic all week, but that’s not out of the ordinary.
I assumed he was coming down and filling it up at night/while we were out, as he doesn’t like his siblings all that much. Four y/o, three y/o, and 18 mos triplets.
Monday he goes to his dad’s and tells him about the new system. Ex called me, angry, called me a terrible mother.
I explained the cost, he said I should ‘stop breeding’ and prioritize our son over the younger ones, who don’t have mental health issues.
I apologized but told him that plastic waste is unacceptable. If our son needs me to, I can fill the bottle. Ex is still incredibly angry, stating that his health should come first.
I think he’s being unreasonable, but I do understand his fear and anger to an extent, with the things we go through regarding our son.
Son has stated he’ll stay with his dad, skip my week, and he’ll be back the week after next. I think he’s trying to guilt me. He was like it as a tot.
If one of us upset him, he’d beg to stay with the other to make us feel bad and give in.
Am I being a jerk? I understand he lacks energy, but it’s not really an excuse. Like I said, I’m more than willing to help him if need be.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
First, let’s scrap the concern about the ocean.
It’s hypocritical to your 6 children that are a much more significant drain to the ecosystem. Further, did you come up with that reasoning before or after changing the system? Rhetorical question, you know the answer.
Second, your child is ill and you are treating them as a burden at best. His disease may not enable him to ask for your help and you took away an avenue for him to take care of himself.
Imagine being low energy and deeply depressed and being told water is too expensive.
Third, he guilted you as a toddler? Seriously? Why are you so concerned he’s skipping a week with you, you do not seem to like this child.
Lastly, you are co-parenting and agreed to this plan with his other parent. You then changed it without consideration.
You should have discussed it. You damaged your relationship with your son for $8-10 every other week. YTJ.” jerkface1026
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I work in mental health and please hear me out.
There is a fine line between caring for someone’s illness and perpetuating ‘safety behaviors’ that allow them to stay ill.
Giving him enough water for the week in his room, I think could be seen as encouraging him to stay in his room the whole week. Now I don’t know if that was what OP was thinking, as it sounds like she took away the bottled water for other reasons. However, if done correctly, encouraging him to refill a bottle instead, could actually be a helpful thing in recovery.
It’s really important to slowly rebuild people’s functioning, which then gives them more self-confidence that they can get better.
It sounds like he is getting pretty good medical care, therapy twice a week, and medication. However, unless someone is catatonic, they should be able to fill a water bottle once a day. He is 16, he should be able to look after his basic needs, and his medical professionals clearly don’t think he is severe enough to be an inpatient.
It doesn’t sound like OP was doing it for him when she took away the water bottles, so for this reason she could be a jerk. His father may also be encouraging him to isolate himself in his room by giving him water bottles. But I think that if done with his recovery in mind, asking him to refill bottles could be a very good thing.” rose_virgo
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ
Your son is in trouble & desperately needs help. I’m wondering what kind of interaction you & his dad have with his therapist. The four of you (you, your son, his dad & the therapist) need to make a plan addressing your son’s isolation & the impact that isolation is having on his relationships & physical health.
Perhaps for a period of time, you need to be refilling his bottle for him. Perhaps, you need to have him come with you to refill it, or he needs reminders.
The thing is, your son is living with a serious illness. An illness that is impacting his ability to leave his room & interact with the world at a period in his development that is deeply connected to interacting with his peers.
If he had a different chronic illness, would you be acting differently? Depression is a serious disorder that can have long-term consequences, including sleep issues, cardiovascular problems, cognitive dysfunction. Severe depression is not something he can just think his way out of. You & your ex are awesome for getting him on meds & into therapy.
And, he clearly needs more. That more means you. You need to learn about depression, what kinds of coping skills he’s learning in therapy & how you can support him in implementing these skills. You may need to shift your communication style with him, and/or your expectations about what healing looks like.
All of this can feel overwhelming.
I imagine that might be even more so with five other kids at home. His therapist should be able to point you toward some extra support for you & your family.
Take care.” lolagyrrl
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but not for the bottled water. You and your child’s father need to have a serious conversation about your son’s mental health with his therapist. Someone with depression who has been on medication and seeing a therapist for two years should not be constantly holed away in their room.
You and his father are doing him a serious disservice. Your ex is enabling this behavior by water bottles so he doesn’t have to leave the room, and you’re enabling him by doing the exact same thing. Did you just never check on your son while he was at your house? How did you not interact with him enough to know whether or not he was drinking water, and for him to be so dehydrated that he was lethargic?
Both of you need to get yourself together and actually take care of your son.” maclloyd6
5. AITJ For Refusing To Perform Magic At My Sister's Wedding?
“I (M 24) have been really into magic since I was 17, I currently work as a card party magician and I love my job.
My sister Talia (22) very recently got married to her 4-year-long partner (23). I and the now husband who from this point on we’ll call James (not real name) have never gotten along, not for any specific reason but I never liked the guy.
Anyway onto the story: My sister asked me if I would perform at her wedding as both she and James are young and don’t have a lot of money for the wedding. I said yes to help my sister and assumed that James also knew about this but apparently, he didn’t since when I asked him if there was anything specific he wanted me to do for HIS wedding, he said, ‘why would I want you to perform, I thought we were getting real entertainment?’ I let this go but it bothered me for days, eventually with persuading from my sister James relented and said that I could perform if I wanted like he was doing me some kind of favor.
I snapped at this and said that I was doing this for free for my sister and that if he was going to be rude I wouldn’t help with HIS wedding.
The next day I got a half-hearted apology from him and then my sister asked if I would still help with the wedding entertainment, I decided (against my better judgment) that I would still help.
Fast forward 2 weeks to the morning before the wedding when as I’m going to the venue, my friend Dave shows me messages in a group chat with James where he is trash-talking me and my job saying things like ‘I can’t believe Talia talked me into this’ but what really got to me was what he posted next ‘these lame card tricks aren’t even that hard.’ Then he posted a video of a really crude and sloppy back palm followed by ‘see I learned that in like 2 days whereas OP has had 7 years, really this magic stuff is easy.’ There were more messages but I stopped reading to prevent myself from exploding with rage.
When I got to the venue I cursed out James and said I wouldn’t help anymore. He got mad and yelled at me about how dare I do this on the actual day of the wedding and that I was a jerk. I didn’t perform at the wedding and it was slightly awkward which was made worse when a couple of people who heard I was gonna do magic asked why I wasn’t and I told them that if they wanted magic they could ask James as apparently he was a magician now.
After the wedding, James said that I was a jerk because I ‘ruined’ his wedding and embarrassed him in front of his friends and family. Normally I wouldn’t care but James’s parents said I was a jerk and even my mum said I went too far with what I said at the wedding.
AITJ?
Edit: A lot of people have been asking about my sister in this story and how she reacted after the wedding.
I haven’t spoken to her since the wedding since she’s still on her honeymoon, apparently, she was mad at both of us calling us spoiled children for James talking trash about me and me balling the day of the wedding.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, sorry.
Yes, he is a jerk. But this was your sister’s wedding too.
And by doing this morning off, you hurt her and potentially made her early married life difficult, since this jerk may well blame her. If he is anything like my ex, she may be taking heat for this until the end of time.
In this case, you should have given the best show of your life and wowed the audience, and made your sister happy.
Ignore him entirely, you are there for her. Maybe make a few comments here and there about ‘stupid card tricks’ or ‘not hard at all’ here and there. Your audience would see this stuff is not easy, and you get your digs in.” surfaholic15
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your sister is about the only person here who isn’t.
James is obviously not just the jerk in terms of this post, but also just… a jerk generally. He doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t respect your sister, and he’s a loudmouth snob who doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Your friend Dave is also the jerk for showing you the crap that James was saying right before the wedding.
If he knew earlier, he should have forwarded it to you earlier. If he didn’t know earlier, he should have sat on it until after you’d performed.
You are also the jerk because you hurt your sister, who was and is proud of your magic, and wanted you to be able to showcase it at the wedding.
I don’t blame you at all for not doing magic at the wedding – it’s the natural consequence of discovering that James is still bad-mouthing you behind your sister’s back – but you should have dealt with it by ignoring James and calmly informing your sister of why you were having to duck out at the last minute, and then simply telling anyone that asked, that James canceled the entertainment.
The bottom line is, I couldn’t care less about you ruining James’s wedding… but it was your sister’s wedding too.” Normal-Height-8577
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your BIL sounds like a jerk, but you knew he didn’t really want/care about you doing your act and just your sister wanted it… so the time to pull out if that bothered you was when you got that info and your sister requested again you do it.
Leaving it to the day of the wedding because you found out he still didn’t respect you is pretty weak sauce, ‘cursing him out’ at the venue, that stuff doesn’t just impact your BIL who deserves it but it impacts your sister and the rest of the guests who did nothing to deserve a scene.
Even quietly pulling out with an excuse and then making your feelings clear later would have been better. Your sister’s summary that you both behave like kids seems apt.” Rap-oleon_Bonaparte
4. AITJ For Leaving A Note On My Neighbor's Car?
“I (38M, happily married), went grocery shopping about 12-18 months ago at my local neighborhood supermarket.
When I returned to my car, I saw my neighbor’s (50s, M) unoccupied car parked about two spots over from my car. I was relatively new to the neighborhood and had just met him recently. I liked him: fellow nerd, similar sense of humor, some stuff in common, etc etc. Just a couple of friendly suburban dudes/dads who had a couple of driveway beers/conversations during the global crisis.
I’d also met his wife (50s, F), too, a couple of times around the ‘hood. She was also friendly and outgoing. Because of the age difference, the couple reminded me a bit of some of my parents’ friends.
When I saw ‘his’ Jeep Wrangler in the parking lot of the grocery store after finishing my shopping, I was a little surprised and excited to have just missed my buddy and impulsively left a short note under his wiper blade, using my store receipt.
Honestly, I can’t even remember what the note said because it was such a non-event in my eyes. Just something like ‘hey neighbor, what’s up? Sorry I missed you, (ME).’ I easily identified his car by the custom Star Wars stickers on it. I left the note and forgot about it… until yesterday. Since then, I have enjoyed a perfectly normal, happy relationship with my neighbor.
Borrowing tools, exchanging Xmas gifts, etc, etc. All the stuff a boring guy from the ‘burbs wants to have with his neighbor two doors down.
Fast forward to yesterday (Jan 22). I got a text from him ‘out of the blue’ telling me that he had just learned that I had left that note on his wife’s car.
It was ‘creepy’ to leave a note on her car and that I’m ‘not to do that again. Is that understood?’ Apparently, I didn’t realize that the car I’d seen a thousand times in his driveway was his wife’s car and not his. But even if I’d known that AITJ for leaving a single generic note, one time ever, which happened to be on my neighbor friend’s ‘wife’s’ car, who is also nice to me and my family, in the grocery store parking lot?
Apparently, the kicker for my neighbor was that I had also bumped into his wife and said hello/merry Christmas in the parking lot on Xmas eve 2021 and didn’t inform him. He asked me ‘why am I just learning about this now? How would you like it if I had stopped your wife in the parking lot and left notes on HER car without telling you?’
I mean, I get that maybe not everyone wants an innocent, G-rated, ‘hi-dee-ho neighbor’ kind of note left on their car in the neighborhood grocery store, but AITJ? Or, as he put it, should I be labeled the neighborhood ‘creep?’
UPDATE: When I saw my friend’s funny sticker-adorned car in my grocery store parking lot, it brightened my day to think about my friend being close by.
This was the middle of the crisis when I’d been stuck in my house 24/7 except to grocery shop. I thought – and decided (apparently incorrectly) – that leaving a little silly note saying something like ‘hey, we gotta get together, signed (OP)’ just might brighten his day, too.
Also, for what it’s worth, the first time I met him he told me what he knew about the other neighbors in our cul-de-sac because I was new to the neighborhood and he’d been there for years.
He warned me about the guy across the street from me, saying ‘don’t trust him – he’s got the hots for my wife.’ I’d never met the neighbor he warned me about and didn’t think much of it. Just a little extra context for what it’s worth.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re all adults and if you didn’t write anything incredibly inappropriate, and just a friendly greeting what is the problem?
Also, this is pretty controlling and cringe-inducing of your male neighbor. Like, OP how would you like it if he said hi to your wife and never told you or left a friendly hello and didn’t tell you? I’m assuming… You probably wouldn’t care.
If I were you I wouldn’t really want to hang around this guy anymore, he talks to you like you’re less than – ‘is that understood’ – and acts like friendly hellos are akin to flashing his wife.” antonio-bolonio
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He sounds insecure. I would say leaving notes on people’s cars is a little strange because there’s either an assumption of flirting or an admission of guilt, but since you knew him it sounds innocent enough. Maybe don’t do that anymore, but still, NTJ and it seems like he has some deeper issues with his wife.
Saying hello to her is not in any way inappropriate.” subsroo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but putting notes on people’s cars is not a normal method of friendly communication. People associate it with Karens or people who hit you leaving insurance details etc. Also, it seems by using this slightly weird method of communication you have caused the guy to reveal himself as jealous and insecure.
In fact, his behavior is such that I’d recommend you ignore him from now on but in a polite way like exchanging hellos when you see him but no more conversations, tool borrowing, etc.” graspee
3. AITJ For Secretly Permanently Moving Away From My Family?
“I (30) was the primary caretaker of my grandmother (she’s 74 now) from the age of 10 to 27. It started after my Papa passed away when I was 10. They were not so close romantically but like really good friends who had known each other all their lives, and suddenly he was gone. He was the pillar that kept a lot of evil away which I will get into later.
When he died, she became so distraught she was just a shell. Wouldn’t eat, barely slept, but just laid there crying.
This continued for almost a year after his passing. My brothers (9 and 14) didn’t know what to do, so just didn’t do anything. I took the reins because it was just us. So I handled the chores, took care of my grandma, and just tried to get everyone to survive.
I was always full of anxiety and my fight or flight system was always on. It was horrendous.
My mother is a narcissist. She thinks she was always there, but she never was. She dropped my brothers and me off with my grandmother when we were newborns and only came around when it was convenient for her.
But she didn’t help with my grandma, never offered, and I hated her so much I never asked. She always wanted to start drama and never help.
Grandma got out of her horribly depressive state little by little by the time I was 14 but I was still expected to care for her.
The only outlet I could find at the time (23) was the internet.
So I made a few friends through gaming and anime and became really close to one. B was someone I could go to for comfort. He helped me through a lot by just lending me an ear but lived states away so I visited him a few times, and within that, we became really close and became a couple.
It was long distance, however, as I still felt I had to take care of my grandmother. As no one would step up.
I became incredibly frustrated and angry seeing my siblings live their lives without anyone pressuring them to help care for my grandmother. So the conversation of moving in with B came up and he loved the idea.
A month later I was on the flight to him after telling my family it was just another visit. But I never came back.
That was 3 years ago. I haven’t talked to my mother since she called the cops on me after she logically concluded I wasn’t coming back to take care of my grandma.
And the cops took my side and talked to me about restraining orders. Haven’t heard from her since. I only message the rest of my family on social media. They take turns caring for my grandmother now. I’m happier though. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“In the dynamic between yourself, your mom, and your siblings – NTJ.
You absolutely should not feel solely responsible for the care of your grandmother. You should be able to live a happy life as well and 17 years was a large enough contribution.
Your mother is hands down a jerk.
However, depending on the level of care and supervision that your grandmother needed, I do feel communicating that was prudent.
I understand completely why you wouldn’t want to tell your family, but if I were her primary caregiver I would want to make sure that there were no surprises and that everyone had time to prepare to prevent any loss in quality of care to the grandmother.” TryingToHaveANap
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You should be able to live your life and you shouldn’t have to put your life on hold for others.
I don’t know how old your siblings could be now, but if they’re no longer children, one of them should at least step up or have your grandma put into an assisted living facility at least (more like a last resort for that matter). I hope you’ll be able to live your childhood in some ways now that you can be free.” Top-Cantaloupe5519
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, that was probably the only way you would be able to escape from forced caretaking. You deserve to live your own life as much as any of your siblings, You’ve already given up your childhood to take care of everyone. If anyone’s sour at you, it’s just because they don’t want to do their fair share.
Enjoy your life guilt-free!” Escape_Overlander
I hope you and your partner have a wonderful future together.
2. AITJ For Disapproving Of My Son's Friendship With A Group Of Boys?
“My (42/M) son (16/M) is friends with a group of guys from school, they’re a group of about 5-6 people. I knew they were notoriously the ‘bad kids’ from my daughter (14/F) but I didn’t mind much because my son has always had trouble making friends and he got good grades in school so I didn’t think I had much to worry about.
A couple of days ago he came home with the group of guys and dropped his stuff off to go to the park about a block over. That was the first time I’d ever really seen the boys, and if you saw them walking together on the street you wouldn’t be able to tell they were friends, my son looks nice personality-wise, but most of the boys looked like they were sick of life, and only one even said hi to me.
My son came home at around 7:30 pm and smelled like smoke, he said that the group was smoking but he swore up and down he didn’t even touch the pack. I believed him but I told him I didn’t want him to hang out with them anymore. He got upset and it turned into an argument, my wife was on my side and my son just went to his room without dinner.
Around 8:00 pm one of the boys came over and said he forgot something in the bathroom, he seemed nice but when he was leaving my wife asked him if he smoked, he gave her a dirty look and walked out without saying anything. The next day when my son came home from school he was livid.
He was yelling at us for asking his ‘friend’ if he smoked, and I reminded him I didn’t want him to be friends with him. I took his phone and he handed it over easily, he said to go through his texts and that I would see he didn’t act like them. I finished going through his phone and the group chat he had with the group was filled with profanity and dirty stuff, mostly about girls, but not my son.
He didn’t lie when he said he wasn’t like them but I said if I heard he was hanging out with them again I would take away his car and phone. My wife and daughter both said I was wrong and that I was being dramatic about all of it. I really don’t think I’m wrong here and I don’t want my only son to turn out like them.”
Another User Comments:
“Do you really believe that taking his car and phone away is going to change anything? When that fails (and it will) what are you going to do next? Eventually, your son will be very good at hiding his life from you, is that what you want?
You already decided you didn’t like his friends before you even got to know anything about them.
A 14-year-old gossip hound is not a reliable source and yes, smoking is bad sure, but did you really forget what it was like to be a teenager? They smoke because ‘they’re rebels’ or it’s ‘the adult thing’. It doesn’t mean they are going to prison for smoking. It’s also a behavior that’s easily prevented in your son by being a positive role model, which you won’t be if all you do is act like an ignorant dictator.
Ignorant fits you. You judged his friends without knowing them. You have no leg to stand on when it comes to telling your son his friends are good or bad. All you can say so far is that they act like teenagers.
Give his friends a reason to hang out at your house. If they’re at your house, you know who he’s with and what he’s doing.
Invite the boys for dinner. Listen to them, without being condescending or judgmental. Get to know them. Stock up on chips and soda and they’ll stay where the tasty snacks are.
The more you are around his friends and your son, the more influence you will have on all of them. And if they do turn out to be the nasty little hoodlums you prejudged as, you can say it with real knowledge.
Then you need to figure out how to help your son find new friends (hint: not by punishing him).
Punishing for staying friends isn’t going to work. YTJ. You really are failing it as a dad.” wendelporcupine
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He did nothing wrong. Either you trust and respect him or you don’t. If you do you have to act like it, he’s almost an adult.
Apologize for being overprotective and not trusting his judgment and values, and DON’T go through his phone. That’s private, he doesn’t get to monitor yours, does he? It’s fine to let him know you don’t think very highly of his friends and that you’d be really disappointed if he turned out like that – but he is old enough to choose.
Either you let him be upfront with you and appreciate his honesty or he’ll end up going behind your back and resenting you, and you’ll lose the trust he has now. Been there.” wwolffstarr
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but I don’t think you mean to be. I was someone who was friends with people in high school who were seen as the ‘bad kids’ or ‘looked like they were sick of life’ and while some made bad decisions, my parents let me be friends with them because it allowed me to see what consequence can happen if I act that way.
The fact that you don’t trust your son and don’t believe that the way YOU raised him would make him think twice about doing something ‘bad’ is really telling.
Your son is 16 and will be going to college in 2ish years… you really don’t think he won’t engage in underage drinking or smoking or doing some serious partying?
Yeah, it’s not good but your kid has to learn stuff on their own at some point. Also, think back to when you were 16, were you not angsty and had a few friends your parents didn’t like? Of course, you did. I understand you want to protect him and keep him on the straight and narrow but what you are doing is pushing him in the opposite direction.
I don’t think you are a bad parent but it’s time to let your son learn that actions have consequences. But I suggest doing something my parents did, which now as an adult I’m grateful for, they sat me down at 16 and said ‘you can drive and you will be going to college and living on your own soon, that means you are becoming an adult.
And with that comes responsibility. If you mess up and end up getting arrested, flunking out of college, or becoming addicted to anything don’t look to us to bail you out or pay for treatment. If you decide you are adult enough to make bad decisions then you are adult enough to deal with the consequences and repercussions of your behavior’.
While I still did stuff like drink when I was underage and do illegal stuff recreationally, I also knew when to stop or say no to the next beer or an offer of harder substances or when to admit I wasn’t able to drive and needed a ride home or asked to stay at a friend’s house on the couch and still finished undergrad and grad school with a 3.9 GPA.
Your son will appreciate you trusting his judgment. I know it’s uncomfortable but your son is growing up and you have to trust your parenting and his ability to know right from wrong. You clearly love your son but he is becoming his own person and pushing him like this will make him want to go no contact or do the opposite you say.” Toska23
What you should do is have a heart to heart with him. Find out why he likes the boys, and give them a chance. Do what my mom did...everyone hung out at my house. It was actually a good thing for many of them because they had a crap llife. They called my mom "mom," helped around the house, and learned life skills. You could be that parent...if you want to do so.
1. AITJ For Refusing To Be A Bridesmaid If I Have To Wear A Dress?
“My (33f) brother (30m) and his fiancée (28f) are getting married in a week. My brother decided this last week. I am happy. I think his fiancée is great. I spoke to her about the wedding and she told me that it was going to be small and they weren’t going to do dinner after.
I understood wanting it small because she’s pregnant and sick. But then my mom took over. She started inviting people and planning a reception and my brother went along with it. His fiancée was upset and stressed, but didn’t want to argue.
So, yesterday my mom calls me at work while my brother is on the phone saying they want me to be a bridesmaid.
I said sure as long as I don’t have to wear a dress. My brother says I have to wear a dress. Work is busy and I can’t focus so I tell them I’ll call them back. That morning I text my future SIL and tell her that I am happy for them but I’d rather not be a bridesmaid because I’ve spent a long time trying to be comfortable in my skin and who I am and what I like to wear.
I decided to come but not be in the wedding and I hope she’s not mad. She texts me back and says no, she’s not mad and that I shouldn’t have even thought she was.
Around the same time, my brother calls me and tells me he really wants me to be a bridesmaid it’s only 45 mins and I can change after.
I told him I talked to his fiancée and that she said she was okay and wasn’t mad. He then gets upset and says that he is going to talk to her and tell her not to interfere with his wedding. A few minutes later she calls to say she doesn’t want to plan because stress wasn’t good for the baby.
Then my brother calls me and I tell him that it’s her wedding too and then he brings my wife (23f) into the situation saying she is making decisions for me and she doesn’t need to be at the wedding if she can’t be respectful. I tell him he’s wrong and she has nothing to do with my decision.
He keeps bringing her up finally she gets upset and yells through the phone fine she won’t come.
My brother keeps arguing and saying I’m the only sibling he has left so I’ve got to do this because he asked my mom if I would. (Our other sibling passed away in the middle of last year.) I said if I have to wear a dress, no. So then he tells my mom and my mom calls me talking about how I’m selfish and a disappointment.
She calls again and I ignore the call. Then she sends a text in the family chat saying I’m an evil person and effective immediately my aunts, cousins, niece, and nephew, and my grandma have to block me because instead of being a good daughter I’m defending trash (referring to my wife) against the family and I am no longer a part of the family.
My brother then sends texts talking about how it’s my wife’s fault that he feels like he’s lost another sibling and all I had to do was wear a dress for the wedding ceremony and pictures then I could dress how I wanted at the reception. My mom says I’m not allowed to speak to any of my fam.
AITJ for refusing to wear a dress for my brother’s wedding?
ETA: Info: I don’t wear female clothes and my family has always had an issue with the way I dressed. Things like this have happened before, I’ve worn what they wanted being assured that I could change into what makes me more comfortable only to be pressured and guilted into not changing or ruining the rest of the pictures.
I offered compromises. I offered to wear a matching suit color. Initially, it was only supposed to be my SIL’s sister standing behind her. But my mom got involved.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s obviously important to you, and no one should be forced to be a bridesmaid. Also, bridesmaids have to wear formal wear, not sure why they couldn’t have just put you in a suit.
Women in suits are HOT and the pictures would’ve been amazing. They are planning a last-minute wedding, and their lack of planning is not your problem.
I’m super curious how your wife is getting dragged into this, but no matter what that’s about, they all sound super toxic.
I know it’s tough when family goes off the rails, but I’d look at this as a blessing in disguise.
Anyone willing to throw people away over what is essentially a costume party is not the type of person that’s going to be a positive part of your life. And I personally wouldn’t be going to any event my wife wasn’t welcome at, or to honor people who treated my wife so badly.” Ayaruq
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But your mom & brother are dooming this marriage before it even starts.
Your mother took over and ignored her future DIL who was clear about what she wanted. Your mom needs to understand the message she is telling the mother of her future grandchild – I won’t listen to or care about what you want for your own life, I will steamroll your life decisions with my needs & wants.
That is going to limit the time she gets to see her grandchildren & forget any time with them unsupervised if their mother can’t trust grandma to respect her parenting choice.
Your mother has also caused a huge problem in their relationship. Your mother is controlling your brother. He is siding with his mother overtaking & control his and his fiancée’s wedding.
And both of them are actively ignoring what she wants for her own wedding. Your mother needs to back off & your brother needs to grow a spine & stand with his wife, not his mommy. She’s going to hate her wedding, your mom is making the wedding about her, and your brother is telling his soon-to-be wife he’ll always ignore her in favor of his mom.
And now because your mom can’t get what she wants (not what the bride wants) she & your brother are attacking you.
If they actually do get married, your mom & brother are making sure it’s starting on the wrong foot.” Gimmecheesenow
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and you are for sure allowed to set any boundaries that you want.
But insisting that wearing a dress is completely non-negotiable seems very far from supporting your only remaining sibling and his bride on their special day. It’s their wedding. He wants you to be in the small wedding party. As someone else pointed out, no one ever wants to wear a bridesmaid dress. 99% of any wedding party is uncomfortable in the fancy/ugly wedding gear.
There is a very wide range of clothing choices, though. (See my last paragraph.)
Your mother is the jerk for making this wedding her idea of what it should be instead of following what the bride & groom wanted. She created a ton of drama beyond your dress restrictions. Telling your family to block you and making the whole thing a huge deal was over the top, unnecessary drama and stress for everyone.
Your brother is a jerk for not supporting his bride’s preferences and following his mother’s lead. He’s also the jerk for expecting a big-deal wedding with only a couple of weeks to plan it.
The bride is the jerk for – in this very special situation only – not going full bridezilla over the lot of you.
I feel sorry for her marrying into the family when this scenario is likely to play out over and over throughout her time as a spouse. If I were her, I’d skip the marriage part of the wedding, as well as decline to be part of planning it.
The rest of the family who played the part of flying monkeys are all jerks.
Lastly, even your wife is a tiny bit jerk for shouting an ultimatum during a conversation that she wasn’t part of. (If I misunderstood, and she was part of a group conversation, then she probably shouted in self-defense at that point!)
If I may make a suggestion, there are a lot of things between the usual ugly or super-girly bridesmaid’s dresses and whatever you normally feel comfortable wearing.
Right now, I have a mental image of something like what Billy Porter wore, which looked like men’s formal wear on top and a big skirt. Perhaps a split skirt/shorts or palazzo d****y trousers with a top that is formal enough but in keeping with your style would be a compromise?
There was a story recently where someone attended a formal wedding in a t-shirt and jeans and sneakers (something like that).
Don’t be that jerk for your brother’s wedding. Don’t let the clothes on your body be your hill to die on as you burn all the bridges of your relationships.” DWYL_LoveWhatYouDo
