People Request Our Viewpoint For Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
15. AITJ For Refusing To Take Responsibility For Damaging My Partner's Car Wheel?
“I live with my partner, Ben. We each own a car. His is a nice car, and he loves it, and is very particular about it, and hates me messing with the radio/touching things. I barely drive it anymore since buying my own car. We live in a city so no driveway; we park on the street.
Relevant history – just over a year ago before I had my own car, I parked his in a space he didn’t like (there was renovation going on in the property next to it). The next time he went to look at it, it had been hit by something causing damage across two sections. I took responsibility since I had parked it there and said I would pay for the repairs.
Long story short he also made me arrange the repairs and it was a lot of stress.
So moving on to a few days ago. He was driving us to an appointment and we were in a bit of a hurry, plus weren’t familiar with the area and parking was limited and quite tight. I see a space and suggest he parks there, so he’s doing that.
At some point, I think he’s done parking, so I take my seatbelt off. He goes off on me saying the warning light is distracting and why am I so impatient while continuing to park to get closer to the pavement when there’s a horrible scraping noise. One wheel is pretty badly damaged (cosmetic only) and will probably cost a couple hundred to repair.
To be clear, I have apologized for distracting him by taking my seatbelt off. But what I refuse to do is say that I caused the damage, because:
A. I wasn’t driving. B. If I was the one driving, and I was so distracted by something that I felt I couldn’t park safely, I would have stopped the car until it was safe to proceed. C.
It wasn’t the seatbelt that distracted him – it was his arguing about it, plus the loud music (he disputes that) that took his attention off what he was doing. If he had stopped and told me to put the seatbelt back on, I would have. D. As a driver there are a lot of distractions, but it’s still your job to drive safely.
His points are:
A. I caused the initial distraction – so anything that happens after that is on me. B. I’m “always” distracting him when he’s parking (this is true but only in that he finds anything I do besides sitting still and silent distracting. I was sitting still and silent until I thought he’d finished parking, but he was still in gear so yeah I know better for next time now).
C. He didn’t want to park there anyway, and says that I “demanded” he parked there and that he actually wanted to park somewhere else – this is a common theme. D. He’s not blaming me entirely – he just wants me to take something like 50% of the responsibility for it happening.
We’re at a stalemate and it’s pretty frosty in our house just now.
There was a huge ugly argument when we got home after but I don’t want to get into that. I just want to know if AITJ because the more days go by the more resolve I have in my stance, but the same is going for him.”
Another User Comments:
“It seems he’s invested a lot in his car that should be invested in a human being.
(That human being would be you, gentle reader.) Also, he seems too ready to shift blame to you on the flimsiest of pretexts. The bad news is: “our house”. The good news is: no kids yet, amirite? Get couples counseling.
Also:
I picked up three hitchhikers going to Yosemite. Two were Germans; their host in the US was a nice enough guy (but quite talkative).
They indicated to me just where they wanted to be let off, about a quarter mile ahead. I heard a soft click: the US guy had already unfastened his seat belt. I stopped right there in the middle of the road and asked him to refasten it, which he did. The Germans kept their mouths shut the whole time.
So: Don’t ever remove your seatbelt until the key has left the ignition.
Promise me that? Then NTJ.” b1lllevansatmariposa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As an insurance professional, I can tell you that it is 100% his fault. The bigger issue here is that he doesn’t seem to value you as a partner. HE is controlling, won’t let you use the radio, and blames you for things that are clearly his fault.
He actually said to you “anything that happens after that is on me” this is beyond ridiculous. When does that end, when you get out of the car., in a week? in a lifetime. You have a partner that doesn’t respect you and definitely doesn’t put you first, and that includes before HIS FLIPPIN CAR!!!
These are major red flags and you should consider dumping him. It will be hard but I guarantee you that when you find someone that truly loves you and that puts you first above all others, you will find real happiness. Not pretend happiness. You deserve better. Go find it.” gloryhokinetic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You shouldn’t have paid for damage the first time because you didn’t cause it nor had any fault in it. And you absolutely have no part in this one either. If he can’t handle minor distractions while driving he shouldn’t be driving. He is someone who doesn’t take responsibility for anything if they can justify blaming someone else.
This is not a good relationship for you.
5 years from now he will have you believing he can justifiably punish you because he had a bad day at work and it is all your fault because you didn’t shine his shoes in the morning, even though you had never shined his shoes before. Is that the life you want?” katamino
14. AITJ For Being Mad At My In-Laws For Booking A Family Cruise During My Milestone Birthday?
“2 years ago, my inlaws booked a family cruise for Christmas. Because of rules and restrictions at the time, no one could go, so it was postponed to last Christmas. Again, the same situation, as schedules and other issues came up, and they were given a continuation on their credit for an upcoming cruise.
My inlaws, at this moment, are coming back from a cruise and decided to use the credit to book a summer cruise, with the entire family (my family, my BIL and his family, 9 of us total). The cruise takes place the week of my birthday.
Now, I’ve been in this family long enough that my birthday often gets planned over since it’s somewhat near July 4th, so I’ve been flexible in the past. This year however, it’s my 50th birthday.
Pretty big milestone. My parents and sisters live out of state and I hadn’t put a lot of thought into it yet, but definitely wanted them to be here, or I there for my 50th, along with friends and my immediate family and such.
This evening, my MIL calls my wife and talks for an hour and I am given this tremendous news that we’re going on a cruise for my birthday.
“Isn’t that great?!!”… is what I am greeted with. I didn’t rage out, but I definitely let my feelings be known that I am livid… After 90 seconds of back and forth with my wife… she continued to say “You’re being ungrateful and unappreciated for what they are doing!” What sent me over the edge was that my wife in no way could see why or understand how there was no consideration for how it would make me feel.
How I wasn’t considered and asked if this was alright…
I flipped the scenario around and if it was her birthday and my family did this, how would she feel? She said she’d be grateful.
Laughable.
I appreciate the extravagance of the cruise. It’s an incredible gesture. I may be acting too selfish and stubborn, so I can see that.
I definitely appreciate the gesture.
I told her, “it’s my 50th! I thought we’d do something special you know… like we could plan something.” She said… “Well, you haven’t said anything you wanted to do so how would I know you wouldn’t wanna do this?” I reminded her we’re in Sept and my birthday isn’t for 10 months.
I then said, “You know, I had an ounce of expectation… but I should have no expectation… because I thought maybe you would back me… maybe you’d try to understand how it’d make me feel… of where I am coming from and why I’m upset about this, to begin with… not just with your folks, but with you.”
Her reply was, “I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m sorry you feel this way.” AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Seriously, why can’t you just have fun on the cruise, and if you want to plan a big party in your hometown, just have it the week after, when you’re back in town?
Your wife isn’t a mind reader. You’ve said you’ve been flexible around holiday parties for your birthday in the past, so if you were NOT planning on being flexible for this particular birthday, you can hardly expect your family to have guessed that.
You’re not the jerk for wanting to have a different party on your birthday than your wife planned, but you are the jerk for expecting she would know what you wanted when you had 0 discussions about it.
And the party you want is still possible. If your birthday is July 2, just have the party on July 7 or whenever you’re back.” Agreeable-Celery811
Another User Comments:
“I mean, your wife should have consulted with you first but… FREE CRUISE plus opportunity for second birthday celebration with your family and friends! I’m sure your kids will be thrilled to miss out on this cruise so they can hang sad “over the hill” decorations for your bday party.
Speaking of those family and friends, did it ever occur to you they may have their own vacation plans forming around the 4th? Plans they may not want to cancel for your as-of-yet unplanned 50th birthday bash? It seems if you really want everyone there, you’ll probably have to be flexible on the dates anyway.
ESH.” JeepersCreepers74
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, for a few reasons:
Even if it wasn’t your birthday, who tells an entire family “hey, y’all are coming on this trip on these dates.” Y’all are just expected to be free, and show up happy?
Just because it’s free and a cruise, doesn’t mean you are obligated. Again, they booked a vacation for you without any input from you… (I think Reddit commenters are getting hung up on “free” and “cruise”)
Your spouse should consult with you on stuff like this. Agreeing to a family vacation without your spouse getting a say is problematic.
It IS your birthday and a milestone one at that. And you want to see your family too – which is perfectly reasonable. And for ppl saying “oh you can celebrate your birthday whenever” true (though it’s still not the same), but the in laws had a few cruise options to choose from.
And they didn’t run any dates by you, so this really wasn’t done for OP – it was done without any consideration at all.
EDIT: because I forgot about work. The in-laws are also dictating when and how much time off your using for this vacation! Depending on your work situation, this could be the only time off OP can use for a while.
This is important to consider too.
And your work sucks in this situation.” redditAloudatnight9
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Her reply was, “I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m sorry you feel this way.”
Your wife ignores your feelings and then gives you the world’s worst non-apology. Man, that sucks!
It’s your birthday.
You have a voice and you are responsible for making yourself heard. Don’t expect people to just “know” that you want to plan something for your birthday this year. Plant that seed NOW. Make the plans you want and invite who you want. Send your regrets for any events that clash with your 50th celebration.” 56degreewedge
13. AITJ For Teasing My Best Friend For Changing Her Appearance For A Guy?
It’s only teasing in his eyes; it’s bullying in hers.
“I (16m) and my friend Lizzy (16f) were friends since we were born. This may sound a bit bad, but Lizzy was ugly, especially during our grade 9 (first) year of high school. She had bad fashion, never wore makeup, didn’t style her hair, and was fat. she was 5 foot 7 and 180 pounds. Her mum had a mental illness, which might have caused her to overeat.
During the second half of freshman year, she moved in with her dad, who helped her become healthier, as well as putting effort into her looks. Before grade 10 started, she looked amazing.
It’s currently the summer before 11th grade.
The problem:
Liz likes this guy; we’ll call him Troy (16m). Troy and I are gym buds.
Lizzy liked him the second she laid eyes on him. I told her to get over herself since a guy like Troy would never like a girl like her. (I told her this before she had the glow-up).
I organized a trip to my family’s cabin which is a long drive away. I invited Lizzy, Troy, and 5 others.
Everything was great. After arriving, we went to the lake to swim. When I saw her bathing suit, it was EXTREMELY showy around the chest area. She also shaved or waxed her WHOLE BODY below the neck. (She is of Indian descent, so she has a lot of dark, thick hair). I knew she was trying to get Troys attention because she never bothered to shave anything except her armpits.
This made me so mad since I have feelings for Lizzy, but I knew she doesn’t feel the same. And to make things worse, Troy told me he had feelings for Liz
Later after dinner, we played poker to pass the time since we were going back to the lake at night. Lizzy went to grab the towels and Troy went to help.
I then loudly said, “Don’t forget the sunscreen and your Nair.” I laughed and Troy said “what?” and I said, “Lizzy usually has hair like a ‘Sasquatch’ and I’m just teasing her since I noticed she shaved her whole body. That means she really likes you Troy, since she just now decided to do something about her body hair.”
Liz stormed off and the rest of the night was awkward. She later came up to me, called me a jerk and told me that it was embarrassing, especially in front of Troy. and that I “outed her feelings” toward Troy. I told her that it was not my fault she decided to show up looking like a “hairless cat” and that she shouldn’t be doing this for some guy.
She then asked Joey (16m) who was there to drive her home since she didn’t have a car. They left early the next morning without saying goodbye to us (except Troy who said he woke up early and offered to drive her). Lizzie won’t talk to me and Troy said that it was “uncool” of me since he wanted to get closer to Lizzy on this trip and said that I was a jerk for making her feel like that.
I don’t know if I’m a jerk since Liz still isn’t speaking to me and Troy is avoiding me at the gym
Joey said if I REALLY wasn’t sure what I did wrong then I should get an outside perspective. So… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and a big one at that.
Do you even really like Lizzy because it doesn’t look like it to me.
Why would anyone talk so crappy about anyone they supposedly like?? You’re already calling her ugly and fat in only the first paragraph of your post, doesn’t seem like you think that highly of her.
You talk down on her before her “glow up.” Again saying things like she was ugly and Troy would never like someone like her etc. But when she changes herself, it still apparently isn’t good enough for you because now you’re shaming her for having changed things about herself that you found so ugly about her before.
What do you actually want? It’s not your place to comment on what she is or isn’t allowed to do with her body
Lizzy and Troy seem to like each other which is awesome for them!! I get you might feel jealous but then again reading your post I don’t get how you can say you like her when everything you wrote shows the opposite.
Your jealousy is no reason for you to embarrass her not only in front of the person she likes but also in front of all the other people there. She must’ve been so embarrassed bcs of the things you yelled for everyone to hear while she probably put in so much work to feel beautiful.
That alone is so much more than just a crappy move, it’s actually horrible. Not only that you literally DID expose her feeling for Troy. I don’t get how you can’t see how much of a jerk move that is, I doubt you’d be fine if someone exposed your feelings for Lizzy in front of her in such a condescending manner like that.
Good thing both Lizzy and Troy are ignoring you, seems like what you did made her chances to ever get with him bigger than your chances to get with her has ever been and will ever be. If I was them I’d think long and hard about whether or not I’d even like someone like you to be in my life.
I also don’t get how you need an outside perspective on your actions when 3 people already told you YTJ? I don’t get how anyone would even think they were even remotely in the right in that situation without even any of them telling you you are.
Long story short, you are a massive jerk.” leemujinfan
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You have a crush on some girl that you know does not feel the same way and you think that belittling her and humiliating her in front of other guys is what? Going to make her like you? You’re an idiot at the bare minimum.
Buckle up buddy cuz I want to tell you a little story.
When I was in high school there was this boy that liked me. I’d really didn’t think he was all that cute. In fact I told him to his face he was not cute enough to date. He went home and told his mom what I had said. You want to know what her advice was to him?
If you really care about her just be her friend. I went on to date three other guys after he told me that all the while remaining friends with him. It was his constant support and his friendship that made me realize how invaluable he was to me. Guess what 18 years later we’re married with two kids.
You screwed up like royally screwed up. You had a chance and you blew it.” orbitalchild
Another User Comments:
“Just read the story and CALLED IT! Knew that was your motive. You do realize you completely annihilated having any chance with the girl you claim to like, right? What possessed you to think “insulting a girl will make her want to sleep with me”?
Were you trying to make her think she’s ugly and should stop pretending to be beautiful so she’ll forget about Troy and think you’re the only guy who will ever want her so she might as well take you? I can’t wrap my mind around your thought process.
If you’re a decent person, you’ll apologize sincerely, learn from it, and move on.
Here are some facts you were apparently never taught: You don’t insult people you claim to care about. You don’t insult friends. Insulting your crush won’t make them like you back.” JuliaX1984
12. AITJ For Going To Bed At A Different Time Than My Partner?
“Ok so I (28F) and my partner (28M) have been going back and forth on this one for a hot minute, but things are really starting to come to a head. Basically, he has expressed to me that he either does not or flat out cannot sleep without me also in the bed and as such, has requested that whenever he is ready for bed, I too get up and go to bed. This hasn’t been that big of a deal in the past(we’ve been married for 6 years and it’s only been a thing at all within the past year), but recently (over the last month), it’s turned into more of a thing because he started a new job where instead of having to be at work at 9:00 am, he now has to get there at 7:00 am or frequently even 6:00 am.
This means he has adjusted his bedtime to where he’s going to bed most nights at 9:00 pm (sometimes a little later, sometimes a little earlier).
Some background about me: I have ADHD, and sleep in general can be elusive to me even on good days. I too get up semi-early for work (I wake up most days at 6:00) but typically I don’t even start to get sleepy until around 10:00 or 11:00 at night.
I’ve expressed this to him and he has asked that I still just come up and get in the bed whenever he’s ready to go to sleep and just scroll on my phone or read a book or something until I get sleepy. I expressed that that isn’t a great option for me because if I actually lay down in the bed without being sleepy I am way more likely to have a really hard time getting to sleep and will often be up those nights until like 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.
I’ve tried to narrow down if the issue is that I am being too loud or disruptive when I do come to bed after him, but he is firm about the fact that it isn’t that I’m waking him up when I come to bed, but rather he literally can’t fall asleep until I’m there.
At this point, we’ve gone around in circles to the point where this morning, I told him that he needs to find some way or strategy to work through this codependency because it just is not fair or reasonable to expect me to go to bed whenever he feels like it, but his response was that that stance is inconsiderate of his needs and selfish on my part.
So now I’m feeling like maybe I am the jerk in this situation and should just go to bed earlier even though to me, that seems inconsiderate of my needs. I’m just really unsure where we go from here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all and you’re absolutely right.
This is HIS issue, that HE needs to sort out.
There are reasonable requests, such as asking you to wear headphones if you’re watching something when he needs to crash… etc.
You’re a grown adult and he’s asking you to adhere to a 9 pm bedtime. The key to a long-lasting marriage is partly remembering you are two individual people with individual needs – why are his sleep needs more important than yours?
What if you have to spend the night elsewhere? Is he just going to have a toddler temper tantrum and refuse to self-soothe? I can promise you at some point in the next 40 years you might be together that you two may just have to sleep in different locations at least once or twice. If you have to spend a night in the hospital, is he going stay up all night because he can’t be bothered to self-soothe?
Being this codependent every single night is a quick way to build resentment and lose one’s sense of individuality. 50 years into a marriage, those things matter. You can be supportive, loving, and helpful and still have boundaries.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am the same way. I have ADHD and wake up pretty early and generally don’t go to bed until 11 or 12.
Sometimes I’m physically tired but my brain is wide awake so it’s still impossible to sleep. The longer I lay awake in bed trying to fall asleep, the more frustrated I get, which just ends up keeping me up longer.
It seems pretty controlling to demand you go to bed at the same time as him because he “can’t sleep” without you in the bed. Especially because (1) it’s a recent development, like what’s different now; and (2) there really doesn’t seem to be a reason as to why he can’t sleep without you in the bed. Which honestly is wild to me considering a bed to yourself has gotta be one of the top 10 best things.
Anyway, this is a him issue, not a you issue.
To flip the scenario, it’d be like if you told him that you can only sleep if he stays awake with you until you go to bed and you don’t think it’s fair that he goes to bed so early KNOWING you can’t sleep, and that it’s inconsiderate of him not to stay up with you.
Of course, I can only assume, but I’d put big bucks on him saying that that’s ridiculous and unreasonable.” Lonely-astronaut7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My husband and I go to bed at different times – me around 1030, and him around 0200. He has ADHD and his natural rhythm is very different from mine.
For years he came to bed when people are ‘supposed’ to (my bedtime) – and he was constantly tired, even if he was in bed for 12 hours.
Now he goes to bed when he’s tired, gets 6-7 hours of sleep, and is ready to go.
Do I miss falling asleep together? Yes, I do. Do I make him come to bed with me? No, I don’t, because him having a good sleep is just as important as me getting a night of good sleep.
Your DH needs to find a coping mechanism. Or tell him since it’s soooooo important, he can stay up until you are tired.” Andante79
11. AITJ For Wanting My Roommates To Not Bring Foods I'm Allergic To Into Our Apartment?
Seems reasonable enough.
“Now I (24f) need to preface this by stating that this is not a constant problem, more of a reoccurring one. On top of that, the allergy they (my sisters and roommates D (21f) and F (19f)) continue to ignore isn’t life-threatening, but it is very uncomfortable for me, it causes pain and slight swelling in my throat if I consume, but more importantly, smell the allergen.
I have many allergies, like you need both hands to count the number of allergies, and only one is life-threatening (bee stings, the only one I was born with), but I wasn’t born that way. I, unfortunately for me, have developed the habit of slowly, over time, accumulating all the allergies my parents and grandparents possess and then developing allergies to the things that they are “cousins” to.
Meaning that I wasn’t always allergic to some of them, and for the most part, quite enjoyed them before I had to stop eating them. This also means my family can be a bit less caring about the newer ones because the habit of protecting me from them isn’t ingrained and the ones unique to me aren’t a collective priority to avoid.
In come bananas, my newest shiniest allergy (because strawberries are cousins to kiwis who are cousins to bananas and my grandma is deathly allergic to strawberries; I’m waiting for its cousin latex to become an issue, to be honest). Something I had the lovely experience of discovering after baking myself banana bread and having a slice at 11:00 PM during confinement when I lived alone 2 hours from my family and my friends had decided to go home to isolate.
My throat started to swell and sting, and I had to consider the distinct possibility I would have to get myself an ambulance to get help. Thank God meds worked and that it wasn’t as bad as I feared. The thing is, my sisters love smoothies and banana bread, and the smell alone nearly quills me over.
They have compromised a bit, only baking when I would be gone long enough that they could air out the kitchen, but the problem is that not only does that not always work, but the smell of the ripening fruit (which is needed for banana bread) is enough to do me in. Not to mention, and I know this is a more childish complaint, having snacks I used to love but can no longer eat as their main-made goodies is irritating, and at one point when that was all they baked, rather hurtful because I would get excluded. I asked if they could not have bananas in the apartment and was told that just because I couldn’t eat it, doesn’t mean they should have to go without.
And I do see that, but it’s inevitable that if they’re in the apartment, I get an allergic reaction and I don’t enjoy having to use medication to cope with it in my own home. It’s a moot point because my mom agrees with them, but for validation’s sake, AITJ for wishing I could ban bananas from the apartment?”
Another User Comments:
“A very, very soft YTJ. My sister has many of the same allergies although she turned out to be MORE allergic to the pesticides used on the crops than the actual food. My parents still bought those foods and told her to stay away from them. They were kept away from other foods, stored in a separate room.
That, however, is not something you can expect from roommates. My parents took that special care because they loved and cared for their child – something most roommates don’t feel for each other. Plus, it took extra funds to do that. Also something most 20-ish-year-olds don’t have. You need a new place to live stat.
I just don’t think they’d take all the necessary steps to keep you safe.” Awhkm
Another User Comments:
“NJH. I sympathize. I used to have several food allergies that cause external problems, bananas being the biggest. Luckily for me, I hate bananas. I do end up dealing with them occasionally when I make my dog his treats, though, but I make either my daughter or my mother-in-law mash them for me.
I don’t really have advice since I live alone. When I started to have physical reactions we just banned bananas from the home. We did that for most allergies that did that. Cats were the only physical response allergens that didn’t get removed. That was because my daughters were adults when they were diagnosed with the cat allergy so we told them they could move out.
They’re now in their own 7yrs later with cats of their own. Sometimes the pills are worth it.
Definitely keep an eye on the possibility of latex. It has a big food cross over including apples, papaya, avocado, carrots, celery, and much more. As well it also tends to trigger adhesive sensitivities. Lucky, lucky for us latex folks.” Syyrii
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not understanding and managing your allergies. You’re not acquiring your ancestors’ allergies over time; that’s not at all how this works. You are likely experiencing greater reactions with more exposure. Reactions that involve your throat closing are indeed life-threatening. It is unlikely (but possible) that you could have airborne allergies to foods that only trigger a mild reaction when consumed. You should be seeking immediate attention after treating yourself for a reaction, not sitting at home waiting for it to dissipate.
You need to educate yourself on what is safe for you and then determine whether this living situation is tenable. You should be very careful about potential crossover allergens and ask your physician whether you should limit or avoid exposure. At the same time, you are not going to banana-proof the world, so you need to learn how to keep yourself safe.
It is most likely possible for you to live safely in a home with your allergens, but you need to set up standards for avoiding cross-contamination. You may also prefer to keep your entire home a safe zone, in which case you should live alone or with people who have opted in to those restrictions.
It isn’t fair that you have these allergies, and believe me I know how difficult it is to live with them, but it’s not fair to subject others to your restrictions – particularly when those are not based on medical advice or a solid understanding of allergies.” no_good_namez
10. AITJ For Refusing To Meet An Online Friend In Person?
“Ok so I (20F) met this guy (19M) on an app named Yubo.
I don’t know if any of y’all are familiar with it, but it’s like a mix of a few different social media websites. You talk to random people, see live discussions, and swipe left or right on new friends or such. Anyway, onto the story.
Met this guy we’ll call Dexter.
It was about a week and a half ago, we just started talking on live and then texted then went on a phone call. All in the same night.
USUALLY, when I DO talk to people from Yubo, it’s one deep conversation about our lives, then nothing forever. So when our conversation was coming to end, I jokingly said “well guess we’ll never talk again!
Goodnight broski!” Or something real stupid like that. He got really offended.
I apologized and told him the typical thing that happens on Yubo and he was like “oh I didn’t know that.” But since I HATE displeasing people, I said, “Hey, I’m really sorry. Maybe after work tomorrow we can talk again.
Okay?” Because I honestly don’t know. He was interesting, but again, he can grow bored and stop talking to me at some point.
Anyway, throughout this week and a half, we’ve been talking like every other day for like an hour and then that’s it. And as we’d talked, I found him very… off.
Like a “pick me” boy. Cuts me off constantly because he has more “problems that no one will understand,” talks about how “woe is me” because he never slept with a girl, etc.
Well, tonight he asked me, “Hey, what would you do if I was right next to you?” I said, “What do you mean?” He kind of grinned and replied, “Well, what if I just showed up at your doorstep to cuddle?”
Immediately I said no way, I would call the police. Because of course, I don’t know this man at all. He IMMEDIATELY says he’s hurt and how “you’re gonna ruin my life because I just showed up.” LIKE YES.
I explained to him that just because we “took the time” to get to know each other doesn’t mean he actually knows me or I know him.
He can know my whole life story and not know who I am as a person today. He hasn’t seen me at my worst or my best. He doesn’t know how I act with friends, family, etc. He doesn’t know who I TRULY am as an individual person. He kept bashing me about being a rude witch and that I’m being “fake” with him.
But like what? I’m just saying how I feel!
He stayed quiet after I explained all of that to him. I just kind of sighed and said “look, I’m sorry. I didn’t want it to come out like that, but you’re not listening to me. You can’t tell me I’m wrong about how I feel because it’s how I’M feeling.
I’m sorry for saying that so blatantly. Clearly, you don’t wanna talk to me right now, so let’s just call it a night and talk some other time. Just try and understand what I’m saying.” He begrudgingly said ok and hung up.
I kind of feel like a jerk. But I was just being honest. Who knows if he was some serial killer?
Who knows if he was lying about the whole thing? I don’t KNOW HIM personally like that YET, but yeah, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Wow. NTJ.
This reminds me of a time way back in the ancient MySpace days when a faraway cyberfriend (I don’t even know if he was technically on my friend list; he may have just seen me commenting on a mutual friend’s page or someone else’s) PM’d or DM’d or whatever you called it back then and asked if he could please talk to me on the phone b/c he was “going through some stuff” and it sounded like I was “the kind of person who could help him out.”
Keep in mind, this wasn’t even someone I had had a long-term “cyber-relationship” with, knew in real life, or had been IMing or DMing back and forth at all.
It was beyond odd, and I thought “Why should I give my # to a total stranger?” but I ignored my instincts and gave him my landline #, which I hardly ever used, and accepted his call.
He then proceeds to tell me about all these antipsychotic medications he takes and how they make him feel and did I know anyone who took them and if I did how did it make me feel about them and by the way would I like to come to Wyoming and visit him he can set me up in my own room it’s no problem, etc etc
I politely declined and made up an excuse to get off the phone
Luckily, he didn’t call me back but the whole thing freaked me out.” Pleasant_Choice_6130
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Cut off all contact immediately. These are the men that plagued my teenage years (it was a different social media for me back then).
He’s not going to see your side of this no matter how hard you try to explain it because you’re not a person to him; you’re an object that he can project his fantasies onto and then act betrayed when you don’t perfectly play the role he’s cast you in.
He’s a perpetual victim.” Snakeflapps
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People get so obsessed. I used to go on some of those apps and it got downright scary a few times. You don’t really know these people but they think you owe them something. I’d block him and not say anything else to him.
Or just cancel your account and create a new one.” GennyNels
9. AITJ For Banning My Dad From Visiting My House?
“My dad (56M) and I (24F) have never had a very good relationship. Me and my sister (22F) were both scared of him as kids because his first reaction to anything was to get angry and start shouting. It usually depended more on his mood than our behavior too, so we were always on eggshells around him.
As we got older, my sister responded by screaming back at him, and I responded by withdrawing completely. I used to just daydream about escaping and never having to see my dad or my sister again, as she was just as aggressive. My mom always made excuses for my dad, saying he had a bad childhood and whatever.
Nowadays things are a bit less volatile. My sister and I just avoid my dad as much as possible, and he just treats my mom like she’s a total inconvenience. Any minor thing she asks him to do turns into an argument. And I mean minor, they’ve had countless arguments just because she asked him to refill the kettle when he uses the last of the water.
It’s ridiculous. It reached a boiling point last year when my mom asked him to sleep on the sofa because she got sick and she didn’t want him to catch it from her. He went ballistic, and she essentially told him he either needed to start therapy or they were getting a divorce. He chose therapy.
Now my partner (29M) and I are in the process of buying our first house, and we’re both so excited!!!!! He’s the loveliest man I’ve ever met and I can’t wait to live with him. We’ve been talking about when we’ll have family over, who’s getting a spare key, etc. and it’s made me realize that I don’t want my dad in our house at all.
I know my mom wants us all to be a nice happy family, and I was giving my dad the benefit of the doubt since he’s having therapy, so I thought he could come and visit us when we move. I really thought he was making an effort to change, but nothing has changed. He’s still really aggressive and causing arguments over nothing.
I woke up this morning to him screaming at my mom because she’s got a really bad illness and a chest infection and she phoned the doctor today for some antibiotics. He told her to phone last week, but she didn’t because she’s a nurse and she knew she didn’t match enough of the criteria to get antibiotics until today.
But he didn’t see it like that, he saw it as her disrespecting him. She can barely breathe enough to talk and that idiot is screaming at her.
I don’t want that kind of aggression brought into my new home. I had therapy last year, and when I told the therapist about my family she said “it sounds to me like you’ve never really had a safe space to go to.” That was the only time I cried in therapy because it’s true and I had never thought of it like that.
But I know I’m safe with my partner, and this house is my chance to finally have a safe space.
WIBTJ for banning my dad from visiting? I know it’s not what my parents will want, and it’ll make things difficult for my mom cause he’ll find a way to blame her, but I just can’t stand being around him anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My parents haven’t had a key to my house or apartment EVER. I’m now 40. They’ve been in my house twice in fifteen years. We aren’t exactly LC because they forget I exist sometimes so it’s easy to control the interactions. We either get together at a park, their house, or at our family lake house which we share with two other families (aunt/cousins.)
It doesn’t sound like you have even discussed whether or not they’d get a key directly with your parents, so I’d just… not bring it up.
If you’re nervous about not having a spare available to them in emergencies (sounds like SO has it covered) I’d invest in a discreet lockbox or a smart lock you can remotely unlock in an emergency.
You are entitled to a safe space. Take this time to heal. Do not allow them to guilt or manipulate you into giving them a key. Just shrug and say SO has that covered and make plans to meet up at regular intervals IF YOU WISH TO. You could also just never talk to them ever again and you would still not be TA.
You are in an abusive home and you have a right to escape it. I’m sorry about your mom.” GoblinStyleRamen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Make your home your sanctuary. Stuff what your parents want; you wanted a calm environment growing up and he denied you that. He’s had how many decades to change? You need to establish your house as a place only YOU and YOUR PARTNER control.
You’ll be under your own roof and you make the rules.
If you know the name of the therapist you can arrange to talk to them directly, not discuss anything, just give them your experience with your dad and mom’s relationship. You can even email them and say you want to remain anonymous. He’s abusive and the therapist might be the one to get through to your mom.
They might even be able to help her get away from him, and offer her exit strategies. It’s up to her what she chooses. If she chooses to stay with him then you might need to ban her as well.
If your dad shows up at your door don’t let him. If he can’t be civil please call the cops.
Whether he’s likely to become violent or not, he isn’t welcome and he has no right to enter your property. It could be that he needs to see that your boundaries are firm. I doubt he’ll ever take responsibility for his actions, but he can suffer the consequences if he crosses your boundaries.” evilslothofdoom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – explain to your parents that until your dad shows actual improvement in his behavior (through rigorous application of therapy) you will not be hosting him at your house. I would honestly not even give them your address (it sounds like your mom is a doormat and would eventually tell dad where you live)
Inform them that you’ve never really felt safe in your childhood home due to dad’s behavior and that as an adult, you no longer have to put up with that.
If this doesn’t spur your dad on to be a better person, eventually you will need to go NC with him. If you have kids don’t subjunctive them to his bad behavior.” Overall_Sorbet_5470
8. AITJ For Making It Obvious That I Like One Sister-In-Law Better Than The Other?
“I (25f) am the youngest of three kids. I have two older brothers, Ben (40m) and Henry (38). Mom adopted me after she divorced their dad.
Ben got married to his wife Kat (39f) almost 11yrs ago. I was 14 at the time, and to be completely honest, I could tell she reluctantly tolerated my presence.
There were moments when it was clear she would’ve preferred it if I just left her alone and she was always sort of rude to me, so I stopped trying. I didn’t visit my oldest brother much because the tension was just that uncomfortable.
My brother Henry married his wife Safia (37f) 4 years ago, and my relationship with her is completely different than the one I have with Kat.
Very few people in our family seemed to like Safia (mostly because she’s a piece of crap, and as a minority child adopted into the family, I totally related lol), but I absolutely adore her. She’s always been so kind to me, and to others in general. She has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever known, and she makes my brother smile.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this happy before.
Ben invited us all over to have a backyard bbq the other day. Later in the afternoon when Kat was upstairs putting her and Ben’s son to bed, I asked Safia if she was still on board for some plans we’d made together for the following weekend.
We’re both really into the arts so I got us tickets to a gallery opening. Safia confirmed that she absolutely couldn’t wait to go, and my brother Henry made a joke about how I love his wife more than he does.
We all laughed about it because honestly, Safia has easily become the older sister I always wanted, but then Ben asked why I don’t go on any outings with his wife.
He felt that because I’ve known Kat since I was a kid, naturally I should be closer to her. I shrugged at first and said that Kat and I never really had much to talk about but then Ben said it seems like I prefer spending time with Safia more than I’ve ever liked spending time with Kat.
I just shrugged again and said I’d hang out with Kat if she asked.
At home the next day, I woke up to a text from Kat saying it wasn’t fair of me to make her look bad to her husband just because she never wanted to suck up to his kid sister.
She said I should’ve lied to Ben during the convo because now it seems like it’s her fault we don’t really like each other as she was an adult when we met and I was a kid.
I told her that I never said anything bad about her, I just admitted we weren’t close.
How Ben interpreted that is up to him. She’s still really mad though & I’m worried I may have done the wrong thing here and caused this because I really didn’t deny that I prefer spending time with Safia vs her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A 39-year-old woman saying you should have lied so the truth wouldn’t make her look bad?!?
Maybe some of the family dynamics are driven by differences in skin color; maybe it was just a matter of personalities or age differences. I’m not going to assume anything, just note that
Kat is not now nor has ever been interested in knowing you or building a relationship with you.
Ben can’t make Kat be a different person.
He is only just now waking up to how little his wife has shown any interest in you (and only because the contrast with Safia is stark). I guess he wasn’t that interested in her relationship with you either – to not have cared about this before now.
Say it was just a matter of age difference/personality.
You haven’t been mad about it or complained or spoken ill of anyone. Ben and Kat have made it an issue. So, once again, they are doing a poor job of being the ‘elders’ of your sibling pack.
Just let them both know, you are fine with the status quo. Kat doesn’t need to do anything she doesn’t want to do.
But they both need to accept that the relationship you have with them is the result of their natural choices all these years. It is the natural outcome.” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So NTJ!
You were asked an honest question. After trying to not answer, you gave your honest truth. Not your responsibility to lie to make someone “look good.”
Your relationship with S was born out of the fact that K wanted NOTHING to do with you. She can’t be mad that that relationship has blossomed into a real sisterhood. If she wanted that, she had ample time and opportunity for it. She didn’t so she can deal with the consequences of her actions.
If B gets mad because of that, he only has K to blame. If he blames you, that’s on him to deal with. Everyone is adult enough to know right from wrong and have a conversation(s) to get to a place of understanding. But it’s not on you to initiate anything.” IndependentBid1854
Another User Comments:
“100% NTJ- It always blows my mind when people like Kat end up offended because you have a great relationship with your new SIL, Safia. Kat sounds insufferable, why wouldn’t she want to form a bond with her future SIL from the get-go? Especially since you were just a kid!
I’m placing the blame on your brother here as well because he waited until now to bring this up.
Surely he must have noticed the lack of effort his wife put into getting to know his sister all of these years. It sounds like they’ve had an ongoing conversation in regards to Kat questioning why you’re so close to Safia and not her behind closed doors.” Responsible-Fly-1693
7. AITJ For Forcing My Ex To Pick Up Our Kid?
“I (31F) have a 3-year-old daughter with my ex (32M).
We broke up about a year ago and don’t have a court-ordered custody agreement yet. We are in the process of getting one, but the courts have been slow and we’ve had our hearing rescheduled twice in the past 2 months. We’ve been doing our best to make it work in the meantime, and I think it’s been going well.
Our daughter is in daycare during the day and we all live in the same city, so we’ve been alternating having her stay with each of us for 2 weeks. With how well this has been working, I would be OK without a court order, but he is insisting on getting one.
I work in a hospital as a phlebotomist. We have been losing people left and right at our hospital and are always short-staffed. As a result, I am overworked and stressed constantly and falling more and more behind every day.
My ex is a mechanic at a small shop and has been there since he was a teenager. I am currently living in our old apartment (he doesn’t pay anything towards it anymore tho) while he moved back in with his parents while he’s looking for his own place.
This week is my time with our daughter and I got a call from daycare the other day while I was at work telling me that she threw up and needed to be picked up.
I absolutely could not leave work. I was already too far behind on labs and needed to catch up. Patients’ surgeries and other labs were waiting on me and there was no one to cover for me. I tried calling my mom to get my daughter, but she didn’t answer. So I called my ex and told him that he needed to go pick her up and that I would get her from him when I got done with work.
He told me that he has his own work stuff going on and since it’s my time with our daughter that I need to be the one to get her. I explained my situation to him and he told me that’s not his problem. He finally relented and agreed to get her, but he said he would only do it after I sent him a text explaining that I refused to leave work to pick up our daughter even though it was my scheduled time with her.
I told him I’m not going to do that because I know he will try to use it against me in court and he said that was the only way he will go pick her up.
I told him he was being a jerk and the only person he was punishing by doing this is our daughter, but I sent him the text.
Magically, he was able to drop everything at work and picked her up not even 30 minutes later. I was livid. When I got off work and went to pick her up, I told him how much of a jerk he was being by manipulating me like that and that I could lose my job if I have to leave like that.
He told me that my job security is not his problem and that when our daughter is with me, I need to have a backup plan to take care of her if I’m not able to. He said that he can’t always be that backup plan and it’s unreasonable of me to expect him to miss work when it’s not his time with our daughter.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Yes, the nice thing would have been for him to pick her up. But yeah, your time- your responsibility.
And yeah- you need to have a plan for what happens when something happens with your daughter/her school/whatever. Whether it’s a list of friends or family members who will pick your daughter up in a pinch.
Working out with your employer that in a pinch you can bring your daughter and stick her in an office with a tablet until the end of your day. (When I was a kid and my mom worked retail, her store kept mats for us kids for when we were out of school sick. Where were supposed to be there?
well, I’m sure corporate wouldn’t have approved.) Heck, an emergency babysitter service that you can call.
Because things are going to happen. (and if this comes up in court, you are prepared to explain that you have an emergency plan if you can’t get out of work to pick up your daughter, what you’ll do, and who’ll pick her up.)
And I admit I’m not super convinced this is as big a deal as your ex thinks it is. Life happens. You’ll talk about it with your attorney but I imagine they’ll agree.” rak1882
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She is your responsibility. Period. He has responsibilities too, and you seem to have a condescending way of describing his work and his responsibilities.
Why is he responsible for picking up and taking care of the child at his time as well as yours?
You’re behind at work, is that the child’s fault? Granted, everything is messed up currently, especially hospitals, and I feel for you, but you should have a backup plan for your child’s emergencies. Whether you talk to your workplace about overwork or work more hours to catch up during the times you don’t have your child or give your mother’s number to the daycare.
Or find a reliant babysitter.
You seem to want your ex to work around you, and he won’t. And he shouldn’t have to. What he said and did is completely right. This is a difficult situation for you, but emergencies happen, and you should be prepared for it accordingly.” snoop_ard
Another User Comments:
“I thought about n-t-j.
But I think it’s an ESH.
It was unfortunate for op that the hospital was short-staffed, it sounds like otherwise, she would have left to pick up her child. AND that she couldn’t reach her mother, by the way, her second backup plan, at this point.
Yeah, she needs to find a better solution if this would happen again.
But god d****t that’s life not everything can be planned.
But I think that op’s ex is a jerk for leaving their child longer in this situation than needed when he clearly could pick her up. It seems like he hates op more than he loves his own child. And for God’s sake, even if it’s not his time, isn’t it about the health of the child and not the goshdarn dispute they have?
Yeah I know it’s not ideal, but it was a better solution than getting fired for op because then the child and ex would be affected too!” bLack_Icat
6. AITJ For Demanding Dishes To Be Cleaned Right After They're Used?
“My partner and I have been together for 20+ years, we have a wonderful and exciting relationship.
I recently got a new job that is super adventurous but it has resulted in us having to live apart for over a year. And for the first 6 months, we couldn’t even see each other due to the type of training I needed.
I have had a roommate for the past 9 months and now my partner is finally able to come and live with me. We’ll all be moving to a bigger place in a couple of months. But some of my partner’s living habits I know will conflict with how my roommate and I have been living together.
One specific area is the kitchen. My roommate and I have an unspoken agreement that the kitchen will always be clean and mess-free. Like, basically as soon as you’re done eating, dishes get washed and things are tidied up so that no mess is left for anyone else.
To be honest, I’m not sure if my roommate likes doing this or if it’s just because I do it and they want to be amenable.
But, it works for us and I like it.
My partner, on the other hand, leaves dirty dishes on the counter or in the sink, to be done before bed. Or sometimes it’s left until the morning. I hate when I go into the kitchen and have to move stuff around or wash dishes so that I have adequate space to prepare my food.
When it was just the two of us in our big house with a big kitchen, it wasn’t a big deal. But I mentioned that for 3 people living in a place with a not-so-big kitchen, that habit will likely need to change.
My partner got SUPER mad at me and accused me of demanding that they do something that, in their opinion, is a waste of time and water.
I asked for possible alternative solutions to suggest, as I’m all ears, and the response was that said it’s not their job to come up with a solution.
After a bunch of silly “debarguing” (what I call a mix between a debate and an argument) one idea we came up with was to just make sure that anyone’s personal mess was in a certain area and not all over the kitchen.
I’m not the one who was super upset about this conversation and feel it’s kind of a silly thing to even argue about so I just said fine to be done with it.
But, as a first-time poster (throwaway, obvi), I am curious…AITJ?
Notes for clarity:
Getting a dishwasher isn’t possible for now. The place isn’t big enough and I don’t have it in the budget yet because I have to get a bunch of other appliances first.
My partner works from home and is really busy during the day, so I can see the point of it being a waste of time.
Ideally, my roommate would have found their own place but finances are super tight, and renting a place where I live is crazy $$$$, so I’m doing my roommate a big favor.
My partner is not a slob and I admit I’m pretty particular when it comes to tidiness, so I know I’m asking for things to be cleaner than probably the average person expects.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH? I think your request is slightly unreasonable, but I understand wanting to keep a common area clean. When you live with someone, family, friend, etc. you need to be respectful of the space you share together and keep it clean.
Find something you both can work with. Leaving dishes on the couch, table, etc. is messy in my opinion, so maybe ask “I don’t need you to clean them right away, but can you at least put them in the sink and clean them within 24 hours?” or take turns cleaning them. Depending on how many dishes you use but maybe someone washes them in the morning, one in the afternoon, and another at dinner time.” Live-Elderberry-3780
Another User Comments:
“As others have said, light YTJ, but could I offer a possible “compromise” solution? Do you have room for a second dish rack? There’s a woman named KC Davis (@DomesticBlisters) who has some videos on TikTok showing her “dirty dishes rack.” If each person scrapes or rinses their dishes after use, either they or the person most fussed about messes could place them into the dirty rack, for later cleaning.
A dish bin could also work for this purpose. Yes, the dishes would “intermingle,” but if y’all are washing daily, you should be able to remember who did what.
I am curious about something: before living with this roommate, did you & husband always do dishes separately? Or did you share the task as a household?
If the latter, then this is a MAJOR shift, and might also make your partner feel you’re treating them like a roommate. This is something that could escalate an emotional response.” Less_Breadfruit6052
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If you have been together 20 years, you obviously had a reasonable agreement in place over acceptable timeframes to do dishes.
Very likely, you were more relaxed than you would like and your partner was tidier than he would prefer. I am going to be honest – your standards are unreasonable for the vast majority of people. You need to decide whether your relationship and the compromises that come with it are more important than dishes being washed immediately.
That is all this comes down to. The roommate’s opinion is actually irrelevant; you are doing her a huge favor by letting her move in with you both instead of going your separate ways. As such, she needs to be okay with how you and your partner live or find somewhere else. This is entirely between you and him, and you need to decide what is most important to you.” Cherry_clafoutis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Living together in a smaller place with a roommate changes the dynamic a little. The kitchen is a common space and it should be expected that everyone living there can at least compromise on how common areas should be maintained.” justovercaffeinated
5. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Daughter's Wedding Dress?
“My daughter’s dad and I had her at a really young and stupid age- I was pregnant at 14 and had her when I was 15.
My ex’s parents, who for privacy reasons I’ll change his name to ‘Nicholas,’ held him responsible for my daughter and so did my parents to me. I’m sure some of you can imagine what raising a kid at our ages was like. By the time we were in our early 20s I gave Nicholas the option to either act like a responsible dad or leave fully and stop with the caring and loving dad act only when it was convenient for him.
He took the second option and so I raised my daughter as a single mom, I never remarried but he did and had kids and that broke my daughter’s heart and is the main reason she completely cut him off and I don’t blame her at all.
My daughter is now 23 and is getting married soon, her fiancé’s parents are paying for the whole wedding but my daughter wanted to save the dress for me since it was something much more personal. I am good financially but the wedding dress my daughter wants would put a big dent in my bank so we’ve been trying to come to a compromise, but a dream wedding is exactly that a dream and I want her to be fully content with her big day.
Now the issue is that Nicholas a little less than a year ago reached out we’ve been talking here and then but my daughter is still ignoring him which is completely fine and as much as he wants me to get her to talk to him I’ve told him that is only her choice.
He found out about the wedding dress issue and offered to help me pay for the dress but when I told her she refused saying he can’t buy her love or forgiveness. He is of course not invited to the wedding but now my daughter won’t compromise on the dress options and only wants the original dream dress which I can’t buy.
I told her I’d love to look for a different option but she is refusing that if I can’t help with this one thing she’ll just do it herself or ask her in-laws. I’m conflicted and everyone in my life is saying something different.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ because you’re trying to do right by your daughter.
But you are being very foolish.
First of all, your daughter has the right to refuse stuff from her father. Frankly, I think she should accept it. He owes her. It’s the very least he could do for her. But she doesn’t have to accept it and you can’t make her accept it.
Next–and more importantly, you should not be crippling yourself financially to provide a dress.
That is not a good decision. It’s up to her if she wants to decline her father’s finances, but she cannot expect you to then have to cover the entire cost of an extravagantly expensive dress.
These days there are so many beautiful wedding dresses available at affordable prices. You could get on Etsy and have one made–tailored for her.
You raised your daughter without the father’s help and you do not deserve to be punished for it by having to spend more than you can afford on an extravagant dress. Most women would love a dress of their dreams but know they can’t afford it. You need to sit down and figure out what you can actually afford.
Unless you’re a banker, should NOT be spending like the people on Say Yes To The Dress do. That’s not necessary.
Communicate a hard budget to your daughter and do not go a penny over it. The more hesitant and apologetic you sound, the more she’ll push. If you spend a fortune and can’t afford it, imagine how you’re going to feel the day after the wedding when she has plunged you into debt to wear a dress for just a few hours.
Another option would be to rent a dress. There are beautiful designer dresses available for much less than what you’d spend on a new one.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Ok, after everything you’ve done for her and being a single parent she really expects you to fish out 10K for a wedding dress?
She needs to get out of fantasyland because that is just outright selfish of her. Taking a loan out for it should not even be an option. Especially when it’s for a one-day event. Offering financing that you can afford is the right compromise and she should accept that.
Now regarding Nicholas, this is where I think you’re a soft YTJ.
You know she is no contact with him and you crossed her boundary. She does not want him in her life (her choice) and you said you don’t blame her for that choice. Therefore, he has no right to know about her and her life. You brought him into something he had no place in and without her consent.
I would be upset if I were her. Respect her wishes on that issue before it costs you your relationship with her with a man that proved she was not a priority for him. Maybe he’s changed but until she feels (if ever) ready to accept him and anything regarding her is not for you to share with him.” dragonmom03
Another User Comments:
“You first said that the dress would put “a big dent” in your bank account, then later said you can’t do it. Which is it? You can’t afford it, or you don’t want to spend what the dress costs? If you want to give your daughter her dream but then changed your mind because you have to pay the whole cost instead of biodad chipping in, then YTJ.
If you can’t afford it, tell your daughter.” LotusBe
4. AITJ For Saving A Seat For My Brother But Not For My Friend?
“AITJ? My (22f) little brother (18m) recently moved to my town to go to college. I graduated a couple of years ago and stuck around for work. My brother isn’t a big talker and while our family is really close, we’ve grown apart when I moved 8 hours away for college.
I was really happy when he chose this college so I could have a chance to get to know him again and so I can offer him support if he needs it. He lives on campus and I helped him get his set up, even bought him a mini fridge and a microwave. Because I work full time and he’s got classes, the only time I see him during the week is at church.
I use this time to check in, ask how his classes are going, that kind of thing. While he’s a sweet, funny kid he’s slow to warm up and hangs out on the edges.
My friend and former roommate, “A” (25f) is very socially awkward and though sweet, she is a bit odd. She has a hard time holding conversations and the only thing she feels comfortable talking about is her job as a vet tech.
She’ll randomly break into a conversation and start talking about what size IV a pitbull would need for surgery. When we lived together and had people over if there was a lull in the conversation, she’d grab my dog’s tongue and make a comment on how easy he’d be to intubate. She’s been coming to this church with me for around 2 years since we were roommates in a house with several other girls.
She never really connected with anyone at church, though I’ve tried to help her make friends, and usually leaves right after service without sticking around for meals or activities. I moved out when I bought my own place one of the girls from the shared house came with me, and there was no tension or issues with “A.”
Last Sunday, some of my roommate’s friends were visiting, so we filled up a whole row, minus the seat I saved for my brother. It was the only open seat in the row. Both he and “A” arrived at the same time, though she was standing in front of him in the aisle. I smiled, informed her that I was saving the seat for my brother, and pointed to the seat in the row in front of us that was open.
I asked one of the kids that were sitting in that row if the seat was taken, and the kid said no. “A” took the seat and my brother sat beside me. There were three seats between her and the small family that was sitting on the other side, so she was kind of sitting alone.
She looked very alone and awkward sitting there and I felt bad. She didn’t say anything about it, but this Sunday when she got to church, she immediately asked where we were sitting and hurried over to take a seat even though the rest of us were standing around chatting, as if she were afraid that she’d not have a seat next to my roommate and me again.
This made me feel terrible about last week, but she’s a 25-year-old woman. I feel like I was looking out for my little bro who’s living in a new town away from our parents for the first time, and he needs my lookout more than she does, but I still feel like the jerk. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I know it sucks trying to make friends with social anxiety and some people do tend to cling to the one person they do know, but ultimately you have more of an obligation to your brother. It doesn’t sound like she’s making an attempt to make other friends, but you are helping her how you can.” BeaconToTheAngels
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but maybe “make it up to her” by saving a seat next week. You’re right, she needs to stretch and make friends with others, but if you feel that bad, just save her a seat.” ReallyTracyQ
Another User Comments:
“NTJ,
She’s awkward, but you did make sure she sat near you.
And as you said she’s a 25 year old woman. She’ll get over it.” Hadtosignuptofothis
3. AITJ For Agreeing With My Sister's Ex Instead Of Her?
“As a kid, I always looked up to my older sis because she was so cool, pretty, and the popular girl.
I always tried to be like her, dressed like her, listen to her music, you get the idea. I was popular the 1st time I stepped through the HS door because I was basically a copy of her. I was overwhelmed by the attention but quickly found out she was mostly popular with only the guys.
She “dated” many of the guys in our HS and they thought I would too. I was so embarrassed, I had our mom take me out to buy new clothes and everything. Whatever she did, I went the opposite way. She wore tons of makeup, I wore none. She listened to a certain type of music, I didn’t.
We went to different colleges.
Fast forward to now. Sis must have figured out her lifestyle wasn’t healthy so she stopped getting with a bunch of men, deleted all of those apps, and met Sam. He’s very good-looking with a great personality and an amazing job. He was smart, funny, outgoing, and can own the entire room when he walks in.
He grew up in a different city so his family doesn’t live here but we’ve met and they’re amazing just like him. Sam quickly replaced us as mom’s favorite child and became our dad’s best friend. He eventually proposed and everyone was over the moon. I was very happy for sis.
Last week she came to my door looking like a complete wreck. She was crying so hard she couldn’t talk. After an hour or so, I calmed her down enough to get the story. Apparently, they were at a party and was mingling separately when he overheard some guys talking about her popularity. Sam joined the group and got her “men” history.
2 of the guys in that group was romantically involved with her and about 4 other guys at that party did too, 1 of whom works with him (which is why they were there). He heard about the guys laughing about how all the men in the town were depressed when she went away to college but rejoiced when she came back.
When they got home, he asked her, she told him the truth, and he left without saying a word.
I helped sis and she’s been staying with me for now. She hasn’t told anyone and have been trying to get in touch with Sam and his family but they’re all ignoring her.
Everyone on our side is super confused because Sam just disappeared. Our cousin (my best friend) pinned me down the other day to ask what happened. I told her and she was appalled. She called him all sorts of names and was insecure. I said I can understand from his view as we live in a small town and it’s hard to know many men and your coworkers “know” your future wife.
Then my cousin and I got into it. She said I should be supporting my sis no matter what. I argued I am supporting her but supporting doesn’t mean I have to agree with her.
Now I might lose my best friend.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
And not a gentle one. You’re literally suggesting that your sister should be punished, apparently for the rest of her life (I mean, it’s already been nearly 15 years, she’s in her THIRTIES), for making poor choices AS A TEENAGER.
You know, at that time of her life when we’re all insecure, desperately trying to fit in and be liked? You admit yourself that when you started high school you were so confused about how to do so that you styled yourself entirely after her like a little clone because you thought that was the best way to go about being liked. NO ONE makes good choices in adolescence.
It’s why we have those years . . . to grow and learn. Adolescent brains are literally incapable of fully comprehending the long-term consequences of their actions and behavior (incomplete frontal cortexes).
And you think that well over a decade later, it’s reasonable that your sister should not only be PUNISHED for things she did as a de facto CHILD .
. . but that you “understand” why a grown man who supposedly loved her and was looking to make a life with her would judge her in that way? And you think SHE’S the one who deserves to be looked at sidelong for this, and not him? Do you also use phrases like “used goods” to refer to women who have had multiple partners before marriage?
Would you react the same way if it was one of the men she’d slept with all those years ago whose partner left him because he’d “made poor choices in high school and ‘dated’ too many women”?
YTJ, and shockingly hateful, sexist, and judgemental towards a sister who has never done anything to hurt you.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Except for telling your cousin your sister’s business. You’re still supporting her, like you said, and that’s what really matters.
That said, I see a lot of people on here talking about the situation like it’s about women being shamed for enjoying men or having multiple partners. While it’s obviously more accepted by society for men to sleep around, and that’s screwed up and a crappy double standard, I don’t think it’s a misogynistic thing necessarily in this specific case.
It certainly could be, and Sam might be part of spreading that double standard, but I think most women would have a pretty big problem with it too if they were at a party and found out their man had had interactions with 6 of the women there.
Attributing that discomfort to her being a woman may be correct, but isn’t necessarily the case.
Men and women can both be uncomfortable with having a partner that has slept with lots of people, especially in a small town, and it doesn’t have to have anything to do with sexism. It might, but people on here are acting like it’s obviously sexist and there’s no other possibility. If those people are reading this, would you be totally okay with it if you found out your SO slept with 6 people at the party you were attending?
If so, that’s great for you, but I think most people would be at least a little uncomfortable.
By the way, im not defending him for leaving without a word and ghosting her. Just saying that the claims of sexism are kind of unfounded here.” WatchLow2975
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Unpopular opinion, but not for siding with Sam.
Sam is entitled to feel how he feels about the history of his future wife. Some people just aren’t comfortable with the idea of a partner with an extensive romantic history. And you are right, many people are not comfortable working or associating with people their partner had interactions with in the past, which is hard to avoid in a small town.
In any case, your sister is entitled to sleep with who she wants and her fiance is entitled to feel however he wants about it. He’s not entitled to shame her or tell her what to do, but she’s not entitled to tell him how to feel.
However, you’re a jerk because of the unnecessary information about how you decided to not be like your sister and are disgusted by her former lifestyle.
I see no reason to go that much in depth about yourself, which tells me you’re quite proud of it. Which tells me you are most likely very judgemental of your sister. Which makes you a jerk.” Independent_Sea_836
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Everyone is entitled to have a partner they feel compatible with.
After this latest revelation, he no longer feels compatible with her. End of Story.
Perhaps if it was a dealbreaker, the info should have been presented earlier in the relationship. We also don’t know if this information was maybe omitted previously or not. It basically boils down to he wasn’t OK with the new info at this point, so chose to end the relationship instead of seeing if he could “just accept” it.
As long as he doesn’t badmouth her, no harm no foul. He could be taking time to process this and see if he wants to continue the relationship. As has been said, no one has spoken to him since.” TheRealRageMode
2. AITJ For Threatening To Put My Neighbors' Cats Up For Adoption If They Trespass On My Property?
“So this just happened to me and I’m still a bit freaked out. I’ve lived on this road for 20 years and we’ve had a high cat population in my area for 6+ years now, especially on this road (around 18+ cats with at least 5 of them just from 1 elderly neighbor, she leaves trays of water and food for them in her driveway and has 3 large cages for them as well.)
We’ve had them coming into our gardens, spraying, and causing problems for years, it bothers me because my dog obviously uses the back garden for the toilet, and at least once a week he’s having to chase them onto the sheds behind the garden to get out. My dog can’t live with other dogs or cats because he will get snappy and unfriendly with them, however, he’s 11 years old and when we got him as a puppy the problem really wasn’t as big as it is now, but even just going out my front gate I can smell cats urine, find their poop there, and on numerous occasions, I’ve had up to 4 cats sitting out there going through my hedges and furniture.
My dog almost attacked one as well and I had to grab him as the cat jumped through the hedge, an all-black cat with a bell on its collar.
Well, about 30 minutes ago I’m sitting in my bedroom working from home and I could hear a bell ringing and it sounded very close. I got up to see if there could be one sitting on the ledge underneath the windows AND I LITERALLY MADE EYE CONTACT WITH THE SAME CAT TRYING TO PULL ITSELF THROUGH MY BEDROOM WINDOW!
It’s head and the whole front of it was hanging onto my window sill trying to pull the back part of its body into the room. I shouted at it to get out, my dog then saw it and started barking like mad, sprinting to jump up at it until it bounced back out onto my ledge.
I then had to shoo it away from the house and it went into another neighbor’s garden.
I’m not sure which of my neighbors this one belongs to but it must be one of my close neighbors as this one is always in the front and back gardens. Frankly, I’m livid, I always have my windows open during the day and when I sleep, I shouldn’t have to worry about one of them climbing into my home when I’m asleep or just running around my home spraying itself everywhere.
Not only that but had my dog seen it and I wasn’t around the cat probably would have been attacked. We already have to close the back door during summer because of this problem so I began writing a letter I was going to post through my neighbor’s doors informing them that I’m not going to take responsibility if their cat gets injured by my dog if it’s entering he’s territory and if any cat enters my home I’ll be taking it to the dogs and cats home (20-minute walk from our road.)
My brother says I shouldn’t as clearly we have a lot of cat lovers on our road and I could end up causing arguments and problems with the neighbors. He says if it is the elderly neighbor’s cat I’ll be the jerk for threatening to take her animals away, but I feel as though I’ve been left with no other option.
WIBTJ for threatening to take their cats to the shelter?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. American Reddit generally hates outdoor cats but the culture in the UK is the opposite, and we have a majority of outdoor cats. Not much to be done about this.
Honestly, what do you expect to happen? You’ll take them to the cat’s protection.
They’ll tell you they are chipped. And you (or someone) will have to take them back and tell you not to bring them in again. And the cats will do it again because you can’t train cats. No one in your road will think your actions are reasonable or rational, conversely, they will think you are incredibly hostile and strange, in the UK at least.
So, to keep cats away. Get a super soaker and fire it at the cats that come into your garden. Throw water at any that come into your house and let the dog frighten them off. They will learn.
Regarding cat doing their business in flowerbeds, buy something called Get Off My Garden and chuck it around liberally.
It’s green jelly crystals with a smell they hate. This is a strategy, you have to break their territory by getting them to go to the bathroom in someone else’s garden. So remove their crap, dig it up, bag it and throw it away to remove the smell. Then out crystals down. Keep doing this.
It works. It did for me. Also works with foxes.
Ask your neighbor not to get any more cats and also people can be reported for hoarding animals and have them taken away.
My cat is an outdoor cat and I got him because he showed up in my garden one day and at my bedroom window not long after.
He’s very cute.” Responsible-Range-66
Another User Comments:
“I will be flogged for this but NTJ.
I am a cat lover and miss having one but as a pet owner, you are responsible for your pet and that includes making sure they don’t negatively impact those around you.
The cats are actively trying to get into your home and your dog could attack them (depending on where you live, this can get you and your dog into trouble).
If you warn your neighbors, then it’s up to them to ensure that their pets stay either inside or in enclosures that allow them outside time but don’t allow them to impact others (including wildlife). Check your local laws – where I am, you can get cat catchers from the shire for feral/wild cats.
Plus, sorry, but people – if you can’t take proper care of them – don’t have them. Cats are not native and have a huge impact on wildlife when they are allowed to roam free like that.” Lilod85
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, of course. It’s one thing to be frustrated, but to actually kidnap beloved pets and then bring them to a freaking shelter?
Come on.
Put up some auto sprinklers or figure out other solutions if it’s so bad, but your neighbors probably aren’t going to be able to stop their cats from walking around, cats do not recognize legal property lines, and some cats just won’t tolerate being indoors. If you’re in the UK, outdoor cats are kind of a normal thing.
Look, everyone has things about the world they don’t like, and that frustrates them. Those adoption centers are meant for cats who are really in need of new homes. Cats who are in danger, cats who’ve been neglected and mistreated, cats whose owners have died, cats who have no place. They’re not a dumping ground for you if you’re having disputes with your neighbors about their cats.
That’s just not right.” Reddit user
1. AITJ For Ruining Our Gender Reveal Party?
It’s not like it was intentional.
“I (F28) am currently eight months pregnant with my and my husband’s (M32) first child, and while we are over the moon, neither of us were ever super invested in the idea of throwing a gender reveal party. My sister (F26) hosted a baby shower for me a couple of months ago, and I felt that that was more than enough.
Recently, my best friend (“Amy” F30) announced that she was four months pregnant and she wanted the two of us to have a joint gender reveal since we could not do a joint baby shower. While I never planned on throwing a gender reveal, this was really important to Amy and she really wanted us to share the experience.
My husband and I had already told some people that we were expecting a little boy, but Amy wanted us to have the full experience, meaning that my husband and I would “find out” the gender in the same way as Amy and her husband (M31) would find out the gender of their little. Ultimately, we decided that this would work best if each couple cut into individual colored cakes.
As I bake as a hobby, we decided that we could save some bucks, and I could bake and decorate the cakes. We decided that my and my husband’s cake would be a lemon cake dyed blue on the inside, but decorated with white icing and pink/blue sprinkles. Amy asked that her cake is decorated in the same way, but gave me creative control over flavors.
At this point, I found out from Amy’s doctor that she and her husband were expecting a little girl so I thought it would be a nice idea to do a red velvet cake (chocolate being her favorite flavor). I baked the cakes in the same style as Christina Tosi’s famous birthday cake, and I was pretty thrilled with the outcome.
Unfortunately, all did not go to plan.
Amy/her husband and I/my husband cut our respective cakes at the same time, but Amy immediately burst into tears once she saw the inside of her cake. Unfortunately, the coloring that I had used was not very, very vibrant and the red velvet cake was red but kind of brownish too.
You could definitely tell that it was red, but I Amy was unhappy with the “muddy” color. Her husband immediately accused me of racism considering that he is a POC while Amy, my husband, and I are all white. He said that I choose a “muddy brown” color to indicate that his daughter would be mixed.
Reddit, that was absolutely NOT my intention but Amy and her husband left very soon afterward and have refused to speak to me. Amy’s mom (F56) has said that I should be ashamed of ruining such a special moment that Amy had gone out of her way to share with me, and I have been messaged by some mutual friends telling me that Amy is worried she will miscarry from the stress.
AITJ for ruining the gender reveal? Was I racist unintentionally?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ and this from someone who bakes. You can’t choose what color the cake comes out. Red is usually the best option instead of pink cause it sticks (unlike pink which is easy to fade unless vanilla or it’s too much and looks red).
Also, why would they be friends with you if they thought you were racist? Like if someone I was friends with was racist and I was POC. We wouldn’t be friends. Also, you saved up enough to bake for you both FOR FREE (for them).
Like that’s free cake. Especially a decorated one! And why would you want to insult your best friend’s husband purposefully?
And why aren’t they letting you explain? It makes no sense, to be honest. Like you said they didn’t want a vanilla cake.
Like they are acting like you can magically change the color to a pink without the cake being Vanilla? Dark cakes (chocolate, velvet, etc.) can’t hold light colors. What do they expect you to do?
Get them that “perfect” pastel color without you being able to ask them what color they wanted?
It might be my hatred for gender reveal parties or my love for baking. But what did they expect?” Mushroom_Dudeee
Another User Comments:
“You bake as a hobby, you’re clearly not proficient enough on how food colors can turn out and that would not shock me.
You get what you pay for, if you want a flawless cake, pay a baker to make the cake. If you were paid for this cake, you should refund them their funds. Beyond that this is silly and that’s it. Even if you were deliberately being racist, I’m astonished that your friend’s husband walked away like he will let you make him feel upset about their child’s potential skin color.
I hope Amy reads this post and shows this to her husband. I don’t know this dude and I feel like he’s betrayed POC. As a Brown person, I actually feel more offended by his reaction. We do not apologize for our skin color, we’re proud of who we are and no white person making a stupid cake will make me feel bad about my or my child’s color.
I will not give up my space. If this was in fact a racist statement, I’d happily sit there commenting on how beautiful any shade of brown is, taking up space and making you uncomfortable. I can totally believe a white woman making a brown cake about herself because she’s pregnant with a child from a POC and the waterworks.
I can’t believe this dude thought this was a racist situation and decided to let a white woman chase him off. Just no. Only you know the truth behind the intent. If you were being racist, I’d have to call out the stupidity and make a few remarks that we laugh about white people’s skin.
If you were just not very competent in food coloring, you made a mistake and you learned from it. All you can do is own up to not having the required competency with food colors and apologize that messing up of colors ruined an important moment for her and maybe you should have tried a trial run or asked more experienced folks on exactly what color to use and that hurting her family was not your intent.
You can’t control how she receives the apology or if she is in a mental state to accept it.
Also, Amy if you’re reading this, please know parents of kids of color need to have thicker skin and learn to be a super strong mama bear. You’re going to have a mixed-race child who may not be white-passing.
You’re going to see your little girl being objectified when she’s just a kid, be told she is angry when she’s just standing up for herself or even if she’s just being mildly assertive. That’s life for POC, so grow out of the fragile white woman who can just cry mentality, that will not serve you well in the real world that we live in.” ddddebug
Another User Comments:
“If I was Amy, I would be upset purely because it seems like you h********d my cake, while creating a nice one for yourself.
However, Amy doesn’t seem to understand that: A, SHE wanted the party. B, YOU did not want the party. And C, YOU are the one who took time out of your day to make these cakes.
It sounds like you were responsible for buying them if you didn’t make them from scratch.
Not only is she being ungrateful for you putting any effort at all into something you didn’t want, but she’s also jumping to the furthest, most negative conclusion along with her husband, purely because they expected you to care as much as they did.
While I thought you were a teeny jerk for seeing that muddy color compared to your nice blue and serving it anyway, they are certainly the larger jerks for throwing your attempt back in your face with such an unwarranted accusation. This should really be a lesson for everyone in communication.” aerTransparent
