People Request For Us To Judge Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
24. AITJ For Not Wanting To Talk To My Dad?
“I (30F) have 2 siblings, (32F, 36M) we grew up with our mom raising us. Our dad was always in and out of our lives, jail too. It was classic – dad says he will come to get us for the weekend, dad says he will be there for my birthday, dad says Christmas will be great, and of course, he never showed up. Every time he was in jail he would call or write to say he was going to change, but he never did.
It used to upset me and I would cry but as I got older all that kind of faded away and it just became normal. Anyways I’m grown now with my own family, my dad will sometimes show up at my house (at random hours of the day/night) to talk nonsense.
The last time he came by to ask how much $ I owe on my car, he was coming into some $ and wanted to give me some (I’m not hurting for $ btw).
Well, of course, he never came back lol and I found out later from my brother he’s back in jail, surprise surprise.
So fast forward to Easter, I’m enjoying my day with my family, we have lunch at my mom’s when my brother says casually that my dad is going to call. He calls, my bro gives the phone to my sis they do small talk and then she starts asking ‘what’s wrong?
Dad what’s wrong’ and walks away. In my head, I’m like great, Dad is crying again and I decide I’m not dealing with that crap I’m trying to enjoy my day and I’m a little annoyed my bro set this call up in the first place.
So my sis comes back and tries to give me the phone, I tell her I’m in the bathroom and swerve the phone she is trying to my hand me.
My brother talks to him and after they hang up he says well dad really wanted to talk to you. I said I didn’t want to talk to him and he has no right to be upset about it. We aren’t the type of family that talks things over, we usually bury our feelings till they’re gone so I didn’t say to him that I’m upset he scheduled the call without asking or that I’m upset my dad wants to talk to me so badly but can’t call me on the cell number that hasn’t changed in 10+ yrs, so I don’t know AITJ???
Edit to add: Totally forgot to mention my dad is a hopeless heavy drinker and an addict.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You have no obligation to receive a phone call that someone else arranged for you. You need to consent in advance and your brother should respect your decision.
That being said, burying your feelings is not the best strategy from a mental health standpoint.
It would possibly be beneficial to everyone if you explained.” lellyla
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your dad can’t just pick up the phone and makes false promises and keep on letting you down, Give your mam a big hug and tell her how proud you are of her raising you 3 kids all by herself! When you’re ready to speak to your dad do it when you are ready to do so, don’t let anyone pressure you!
All the best” knobisawernda
23. AITJ For Showing Up To Easter Even Though I Forgot To RSVP?
“I got a group text about my aunt hosting Easter. I have a preemie born at 30 weeks who was in the NICU for 50 days and came home about a month ago. It’s been a crazy time and lots of no sleep since we have to wake up to feed him every two hours. I got the text while feeding. Set the phone down and forgot to respond.
(I thought I did respond). This was about a month ago and since I had asked my dad what time he was heading over to Easter celebrations.
Fast forward to yesterday. I walked in the door tired of carrying a screaming infant and the first thing out of my aunt’s mouth was ‘I didn’t even know you were coming it would have been nice.’ I apologized saying ‘I really thought I responded. I’m sorry.
I’m really sleep-deprived.’ She continued saying ‘well it would have been nice anyways’. I said if there wasn’t enough food I didn’t need to eat, it wasn’t a problem. I just wanted to be there. Many haven’t even met the child yet. She goes ‘well there probably is enough room’. I come from a big Italian family. So I sat crying for about 10 minutes after that.
Dinner came to be ready and my dad kept telling me to go eat. I wanted to make sure everyone else ate first in case there wasn’t enough food as I forgot to RSVP. My husband went to get food and went to sit on the couch with me since we were told there weren’t enough seats. The aunt in question told him he could sit at the table after coming at me about room and space.
The whole time I felt unwelcome in my own family’s celebration on Easter. No one except my dad and my grandma talked to me and no one else wanted to hold the baby or meet him.
I feel like I’m the jerk here. I felt really bad. I know I should have RSVP’d. I wish she would have messaged me reminding me I forgot to RSVP since I’m just so scatterbrained. So I guess I’m asking AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I get you’re sleep deprived, adjusting to having a baby, so while RSVP’ing is important, forgetting to do so happens. Apologize and move on. I understand your aunt as well. While there probably was more than enough food, when you’re hosting a large dinner, it does take a moment to rearrange seating when someone shows up unexpectedly.
And her behavior with saying it would have been nice was probably just her stressing, wanting everyone to have a good time. But since the family knows the emotional roller coaster you’ve been on lately, some leeway should be given. If I were the aunt, I would have sent a text to you a few days before asking about your intentions. Now the rest of the family ignoring you, that would be my concern.
I would be asking what’s going on with that cause that seems to be more than just an RSVP thing.” curlyg1rl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yes, it would have been ideal if you RSVPed but aunt could have easily reached out and double-checked. She wasn’t a gracious host. It sounds like it was a large gathering and at that point, two more people are no big deal.
Now, give yourself some space and some kindness. You’ve been through something traumatic. Both my sisters had babies at 30 weeks and I still don’t think I can remotely understand what they went through. Please be kind to yourself and understand that whatever you feel is normal.” bethaneee
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Yeah, you should have RSVP’ed. But you were sleep-deprived and didn’t.
That doesn’t make you a jerk, just human. No one’s perfect.
It seems like all your Aunt really said was that you should have RSVPed, which is fair enough. She made the food stretch and found your seats. I don’t really get why you are upset?
Also, a lot of people aren’t baby people. Does your family usually fawn over newborns and want to hold them?
If not then I don’t think them not wanting to hold your baby is to do with you, it’s just not what they do.” Jemma_2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If I’m hosting an event and send out a group invite when it’s time to cater/cook and I’m doing a headcount and don’t see someone’s name that didn’t respond I shoot them a quick message to confirm if they’re coming or not.
Makes it even worse if it’s a new mother. The behavior on the day by your aunt and relatives was atrocious.” mizquack
22. AITJ For Being Absent From School?
“I am 13, I don’t have a driver’s license, and my school is too far away to walk to.
Last night, I realized I had totally forgotten to put my laundry in the washer, so I threw in some clothes for the week. Since I go to bed before my mom, I asked her if she could throw it in the dryer before she went to bed. The next morning I woke up to find that she hadn’t put my clothes in the dryer, despite the fact I had even set a reminder.
Now, I get that these things happen, but I had to miss school because of this. She is mad at me for not putting the laundry in the washing machine earlier, which I know I should have done but I’ve been pretty caught up late studying for the state finals. I also do most of the cooking and cleaning because I have time to when I get home from school, and my mom is usually exhausted when she gets home from work (She’s a preschool teacher so some of the kids can be straight-up horrible).
I really don’t know if this is my fault, so AITJ?
Edit: Btw, I wear uniforms so that’s why I didn’t have any clothes to wear.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re a kid you shouldn’t be worrying about if your uniform is washed and also your mum should’ve put the dryer on especially after you reminded her.” tialaila
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not really a jerk, but it is your responsibility to make sure you have clothes to wear.
You can’t be mad at her for forgetting when you did the same.
Also, do you really just wash all your clothes at once? Was there literally nothing else to wear that you had to miss school because of it? I guess wearing a uniform would make sense.” StealthSecrecy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a CHILD. I cannot believe the other people on here.
I have an 11 yr old son and I absolutely do not hold him accountable for having clean clothes, I am his mother and that is MY responsibility. Your mother needs to grow up and realize that you aren’t an adult, you are a child and she needs to be the one making sure you have clean, dry clothes. And doing most of the cooking and cleaning because she’s a preschool teacher?
That’s completely asinine. She needs to step up and be a mother.” lunazane26
21. AITJ For Leaving Easter Dinner Without Saying Anything?
“For Easter, my father invited people over including his new girl (Macy) and her family. She came over with her parents and her child, while the other people who were invited over did not show, which meant that we were the sole social group they had to talk to (we being my father, two brothers, younger cousin, my grandmother (father’s mom), my other brother’s girl, and me.) And honestly, I wasn’t in too much of a social mood due to the amount of attention my younger cousin wanted from me.
I work with children for my regular job. They’re on spring break so I’m on a vacation from them but still having to interact with a child had me so drained. (I love her though, I’d rather only dedicate time to her than my job.)
Whenever we have these kinds of get-togethers a bunch of people come over and I and my siblings take off on our own or go with our age group, so it’s something I see as normal and isn’t usually a problem.
But today it was.
Macy has a daughter (Holly) on the autism spectrum, she tends to be kinda everywhere, says things constantly and repeatedly within a 5-minute time frame, and is attention needing. Macy is essentially her caretaker and Holly loves her a bunch! Which is great, Macy loves her too but you can also tell that she’s kinda annoyed sometimes. And the parents of Macy were nice, so there was nothing offensive or terrible words exchanged. Having Holly and my younger cousin at the same table with me was a draining experience for me because it means they both wanted attention and being weak with kids I try my best to satisfy them all.
At some point, I just needed to get away because It felt suffocating and overstimulated by the energy buzz in the room and from the week I’d been here. I took the bike and left for a bit to relax and regroup. When I came back they were gone, my brothers had also both left along with my grandmother and younger cousin shortly before or after me.
My father said Macy was mad but didn’t understand why.
I could see the writing on the wall with that one, and felt bad because I left without saying much to them. Was this a jerk move to make?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not responsible for other people’s kids, and you’re entitled to do as you please with your own free time. Macy being annoyed is on her.
She had her entire family there (whom Holly presumably knows well and trusts), she should be looking to them to help with Holly, not her new SO’s daughter. Hope the bike ride helped!” ArwenandEowyn
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You definitely shouldn’t be expected to watch other people’s kids. Macy is responsible for her kid so IDK why she’s all mad and she’s the jerk for that.
You’re not the jerk for taking a break from the kids, at all but you are a tiny bit for just disappearing. It’s definitely a bit rude not to give a heads up that you’re leaving. Not a big deal but just something to keep in mind next time.” indecisive_7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t do anything and I’m not going to label you a jerk for taking a silent bike ride.
If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing… so you said nothing… that sounds like the right protocol to me.
Furthermore, if Macy has a child on the spectrum then she shouldn’t be so early triggered by unconventional means of communication. Yes, you could’ve said ‘I need some air, I’ll be back in a while’ but sometimes, opening up a dialog is giving people the tools they need (in this case, conversation and knowledge) to delay or dissuade us.
Then you also get kids asking to come along with. Y’all are adults and you don’t need to check in with anyone.” SatanicSunflower
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Leaving without saying anything was a jerk move. You should have said to your dad and whoever’s apartment or home this get-together was in that you needed some fresh air and would be back in 30 minutes, or an hour, or whatever.
That’s basic courtesy.” YanceyWoodchuck
20. AITJ For Telling My Friend She Should Break Up With Her Partner?
“So, I (16m) have known my friend Hermione for about 1 to 1.5 yrs. Hermione is a lesbian and has been going out with this girl Luna. In the last 3 weeks, she has texted me 3 times about troubles and how she is emotionally unavailable.
Well, today was the last straw, we hadn’t talked for like 3 days and I asked her how life was going. She replied that Luna has ghosted her for 4 days continuously with no reply and when I pressed her more, she told me that Luna does this constantly and always gives her an excuse of being sick or at a friend’s place.
Well, I ask her if she spammed Luna, and did she reply or not? She says well she never replies to spam, so it’s worthless. I tell her that this is not healthy and that she should enforce a clear boundary that Luna should inform her whenever she is gonna be taking such a pause. I have seen Hermione in these pauses and she’s always stressed and freaking out, so I worry for her health.
Then again later today, she tells me that her relationship has been like that for the entire time they’ve been together and I’m not kidding but her exact words were, ‘She makes you fall for her in such a way that hurting is enjoyable.’
So I tell her dude, you’ve already considered breaking up with her before and on top of that, you text me this.
Even further you know that it isn’t healthy so why are you still with this jerk?
Now she’s avoiding talking about her with me, so AITJ for telling my friend that her girl is toxic and controlling?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you should consider the stakes here. Sounds like everyone is in high school, so I’m assuming there are no shared leases, investments, accounts, or other assets.
At 16, this is a lesson, at 26 this is a pitfall. I’d kindly guide your friend’s taste in partners towards someone who will be respectful and responsive.” d4nkgr1l
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When someone drones on and on about something any rational person can see is hopeless it’s a normal response to tell them to end it. But you’re now finding out that your friend enjoys being miserable over this.
So one line you might draw in the sand is to tell ‘Hermione’ that you won’t say anything about her ‘relationship’ as long as she doesn’t say anything about it either. She can’t expect you to just absorb all her whining without having a response to it.” DplusLplusKplusM
Another User Comments:
“Your friend is clearly involved in a manipulative dynamic and you see it for what it is.
This isn’t love, this isn’t a healthy relationship, but you’re 16. No one is a jerk, some people just need to go through it and experience it cuz we’re susceptible because of underlying personal issues. My best friend had to do the same for me when I was hooked on my abuser. He always maintained it wasn’t healthy but after a while, he had to draw a boundary for his own sake.
I wasn’t allowed to talk to him about it either and he would shut me down… but still wanted me to see reason. I eventually did but the person has to want to and come to that realization on their own. It’s almost like a part of their journey, you do not need to try and ‘help’ them, it’s really not healthy if they do not want/are not ready for the help.” iwannabeonreddit
19. AITJ For Having Mood Swings?
“My (14f) mother (49f) and I don’t have an amazing relationship. Don’t get me wrong I love her and she loves me but sometimes we just don’t get along.
Today I and one of my brothers, let’s call him E 18M, did some work for my mum.
And I hadn’t slept the night before so I was over tired, overworked, and was in a sensitive mood swing especially since it was that time of the month. This led to a breakdown and as time goes by and I’ve been crying in my room letting out my emotions my other brother, let’s call him R 21M, calls me down to help make food.
I go down with slightly red cheeks, but my family sees it often so they are used to it by now, and walk to my mother for a hug as I always do. Straight away it’s ‘what now’ or ‘give up’ so I say ‘you know what it doesn’t even matter’ running upstairs and slamming doors in tears. My mother then follows me up and starts telling me off saying things like ‘stop trying to ruin this for your brother’ and ‘the world doesn’t revolve around you’.
And honestly, I’ve had enough. This all happened because E has gotten under my skin once again and it rebounded to ‘me ruining R’s day’. I’m thinking of asking my grandma to stay with her for a while. What do you think? Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You didn’t even do anything wrong. Your mom called you out about crying the moment you came downstairs?
Really? She came out of pocket for no reason with anger at you for no reason. What if you were crying because you saw a really sad movie or some nonsense?
Mom sounds like she needs therapy.” ZOE_XCII
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and YTJ. Being 14 is really hard for both you and the adults around you. Your job is to learn how to deal with your emotions better.
It sounds like your mom is not good at validating emotions, but as you get older you have to figure out how to validate your own emotions anyway. A really good practice for expressing what you feel is journaling. Your journal isn’t gonna tell you off for crying, and the practice of writing will improve communication in your relationships in the long run.” User
Another User Comments:
“Can’t call a minor a jerk. But let’s look at this here.
You’re 14. A teenager with raging hormones and on top of it all a female with the next 40 years of riding the crimson wave! In my opinion and I cannot speak for anyone else here, being a teenager has to be the trashiest time in a human being’s life. You are trying to figure out who you are while your hormones are having a field day in your body.
Then having to deal with the rest of the world. You are told to be responsible but are not allowed to make decisions. You make a decision (and you know it won’t be the right one) and you get in trouble. Being a teen sucks! Your Mom is nearing the end of her ride on the wave (and trust me, I feel for her, going through menopause suuuuuucks!
Her hormones are out of whack!) Two women are in the house at crucial times in their biological life. Now I understand why men are so quiet and why they hide out (I say that as a joke). I don’t know your Mom or her situation. But I try and give parents a break cause many are trying to do the best they can.
However, they do get it wrong time and again. Screw your parents! With what you wrote, your Mom is trying to do her best and she fell short.
Of course, you and your Mom love each other. Of course, you two are going to get on each other’s nerves from time to time. There is going to come a point where you will look at your Mom and think she is the devil incarnate and she will look at you the same.
There will be a point where you two will HATE each other. This won’t be your last sensitive mood moment either! You have many more in your future! (Bet you’re really glad I am responding to you right now).
When we lack sleep, our emotions turn into a rollercoaster (I think it’s worse for teens, just my opinion.) That’s why it is encouraged that teens sleep more, they need it.
The term Growing Pains is real! So, please do yourself a favor and keep a healthy sleep routine, it is important.
I am not a fan of running but I am a fan of creating space when things get tough. Gives you a chance to think and reset. You going to Grandma’s house may cause more turmoil. Your Mom is not going to want you to leave.
We need to get you and Mom working better together. It starts with how you treat one another. What can you do to get a better relationship with your Mom? What can your Mom do to better understand her daughter? Maybe when you are having a rough time of it and are aware of it, you can tell your Mom that you need to step away.
I would have such great respect for anyone who said they needed a moment cause they needed to regroup.
There will come a time when you and your Mom will get on with each other and hopefully become each other’s best friends. Give yourself a break, but give Mom one too! Be well!” Shoo_B_Doo_B_Doo
18. WIBTJ If I Told My Husband That He Has Boundary Issues With His Mother?
“I am 21F and am married to 26M. We’ll call him ‘S’ for privacy reasons. I’ve been married to him for almost about 11.5 months. We’ve been together for about 4 years now. We had to marry young because of some unfortunate circumstances.
Anyways, before even marriage, I noticed some weird things my MIL used to do with S. Some examples: S not being able to close his bedroom door. MIL does not give S any privacy while he’s in the bathroom. Always goes and talks to him while he’s in the bathroom.
After marriage, I feel like things are getting out of hand. Every time S and I go to visit his mom, his mom always wants to lie with us.
Okay? That’s fine. But MIL doesn’t even bother to knock on his bedroom door at all. She even told S that S’s dad remarried someone and that she’s accepted that fact and is willing to be his first wife. As long as she gets money from him and a place to stay. In our society, divorced women are kind of shamed, and my MIL doesn’t want to go through that.
She even told S that she hasn’t been intimate for over 10 years with her husband. Okay a bit weird, but fine.
Another time, S was very sick and the doctor said he needed to have a suppository. I was trying to put in the suppository then my MIL came rushing and said she wants to do it. And I felt extremely bad and extremely hurt by this sort of behavior.
But okay, since he was sick.
Okay anyways my MIL came over to me and S’s house today while I was out and told him that she wants to rub his feet down as S is having a sort of skin shedding condition due to weather changes. My MIL then took hot water and made her concoction and then rubbed his feet. By the way, S is an only child.
I understand your bond is stronger since he is your only child. But this is just plain weird to me. I don’t understand such bonds and it’s really bothering me. WIBTJ if I told him to stop having this sort of relationship with his mom? She’s very interested in our personal life. She would tell S to take a shower after being intimate with me and make sure that we did that because of religious obligations.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I’d be careful about what words you use. I wouldn’t say he has boundary issues with his mother. You’re 100% right, he definitely does, but he will probably just say that his relationship with his mother isn’t your business. Instead, tell him that his mother is intruding on the privacy of your marriage. I think it’s weird that a grown man would rather his mother help him with the bath or his feet or suppositories than have his wife help him, but ultimately that only affects him and it’s his body so it should be his choice.
But not being allowed to sleep with the door closed or having her join you in bed doesn’t just impact him, that’s unreasonably intruding on your life and marriage so it’s fair to discuss that.” wrenwynn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But ask yourself to what end. This is clearly their long-established family dynamic (repulsive as it is) and it’s not like they’re going to change it because of you.
Unfortunately, once you’ve married into a situation like this you don’t have a lot of leverage to make things different. But good luck.” DplusLplusKplusM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you’ll have to tread carefully with how you phrase it – you don’t want to imply there’s something dirty about it, or he’ll just be defensive. But her getting into bed with you affects you, and you can say that you’d prefer privacy.
Maybe from that, you can lead into gently pointing out the other weird things she does, and how she still seems to treat him like her little boy.” Professional_Dig3988
17. AITJ For Refusing A Slice Of Cake At My Father's Birthday Party?
“I (16f) have an anxiety disorder as well as emetophobia (phobia of vomiting) and recently my anxiety around returning to school (it’s the last day of spring/Easter break) has been so severe it’s making me feel sick. When this happens I stick to drinking tea/soup/smoothies instead of eating solid food as I don’t want to feel sicker and throw up.
It’s my father’s (45m) birthday today and our family was gathered around the table eating cake. When he offered some to me I politely declined. He began to get aggressive and demanded why I wouldn’t have any, I explained why and said that I would still sit and talk with our family just not have any cake. My parents accepted it and got distant for the rest of the time we were eating cake.
Afterward, they pulled me aside and my father (who knows about my anxiety and emetophobia) said I was just being dramatic and causing a scene because I wanted attention and one slice of cake wouldn’t make me sick. My mother was guilt-tripping me about it saying how I ruined his birthday by declining the cake and it made our aunts and uncles feel uncomfortable.
This has me wondering whether I did the right thing or not.
Maybe I should’ve just taken the cake and tried to cope with the sick feeling, but I don’t know.
Should I apologize to my father and our family?
AITJ for making a scene at my father’s birthday celebration by refusing a slice of cake?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Politely declining a slice of cake should be a nonissue. Your parents’ reactions are out of proportion and inappropriate.
A simple, ‘oh none for me, thanks!’ should not cause them to emotionally withdraw and then insult you. Your father was embarrassed, behaving as though your emetophobia is some shameful indication of his flawed children. His reaction shows emotional immaturity – it’s not about you, it’s about him.” hibbletyjibblety
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you told him no in a respectful way. And he pushed you for a reason.
And it could’ve been 1000 different reasons. Didn’t like the flavor, the type of frosting, trying to avoid sugar. They should’ve just taken no as the answer and checked on you after everyone left.” FreddieMercuryy93
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They know about your condition but have no sympathy for it. They are being awful. It made your parents uncomfortable because your extended family was there and they want to pretend everything is perfect.
Their discomfort and embarrassment are not your problems.” 666POD
16. WIBTJ If I Talked To My Partner About His Bathroom Habits?
“I (24f) have been in a relationship with my partner (27m) for 6 months and his bathroom habits are strange IMO. A bit of context. I am an only child being raised by a single mom, and this is my first physical relationship and the first time I have brought a partner to my house. I live with my mom due to school.
I went on vacation with my partner for spring break and noticed this weird bathroom habit, and he was over for the weekend and noticed it again. When he wipes after pooping he doesn’t flush it, he puts the soiled toilet paper in the trash. Idk if it’s a guy thing or what, but it’s weird and I want it to stop when he is at least in my house or when we’re going somewhere.
So, WIBTJ if I said something?
Edit: I am not sure about his current plumbing situation, I didn’t think about that. I grew up with city plumbing and I am not familiar with septic plumbing, so you learn something new every day I guess! I will be addressing it with him tomorrow after we go to the gym. I just need to think of how I am going to bring it up first.”
Another User Comments:
“No YWNBTJ.
But, you need to be aware that in a lot of countries you do not put loo paper down the toilet, in fact, you put nothing down the loo other than pee and poo.
It sounds as though that’s the way he’s been brought up, probably (I’m guessing) because in the environment his mum was brought up in paper would clog the pipes.
So by all means mention that he can put the paper down the loo, it’s not a problem to do so…” Neither_March4000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if you approach it the right way. He’s 27 and it’s not a guy thing to be unsanitary. But there may also be a reason why he does this. I’d ask him if there’s a reason why he does that, and go from there.” casualselfhatred
15. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mom To Post Pictures Of My Daughter?
“Generally I don’t post pictures of my daughter on social media. All of my socials are private (which I know doesn’t necessarily mean anything) and I rarely post. I live in a different state from my family (mom, dad, sister), so I frequently send them photos of my daughter through WhatsApp.
My mom will then post them as her profile picture for her own personal social media page. I’ve asked her in the past to please ask me before posting pictures of my daughter. She will then ask for one picture, I will say yes for that PARTICULAR picture, and she takes it so she can post any future pictures I send her. I sent her pictures of my daughter in her Easter dress, and without asking she makes it her profile picture on social media.
I text her that night ‘Hi just a friendly reminder to please ask me before posting pictures of Ruby on social media. I know all your friends want to see her, but I don’t want to put her face out there all the time. I would prefer if you chose pictures of her that are from the side or back for posting on social media.
I don’t mind at all if you want to show pictures to people in person, it is just the online part that worries me.’
She sent me back a video of her crying and saying she was so sorry and thought it was okay since she had asked before. I sent back, ‘Ohhh mama. I didn’t mean to upset you! I forgive you! I just wish you would ask for each one you wanted to post. And maybe I could suggest which one might be more appropriate.
I love you and I forgive you. Hugs.’
In reality, I wish she wouldn’t post pictures at all, but I understand having the desire to share her granddaughter with her friends. I just really don’t want my daughter to have this online presence before she even can consent to it.
AITJ???”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s your child and with so much about predators on social media, you are doing your best to keep your child safe.
Your Mother isn’t a jerk either tho… I think she just doesn’t see the dan**r (my Dad was like that) because maybe in her mind it’s just her friends that can see the photos… and she is a proud Grandma wanting to show off her beautiful Grandchild. I get that… but she really needs to respect your decision for your child’s online safety.
Could you make a point of sending her photos that you are ok with her posting?
For example – send her 3 photos you are ok with being posted… and send along a note ‘Mom here are some photos you can post to your Social Media – enjoy!’ and then any that are not ok… either don’t send electronically (just send hard copies) or if you think your Mom will remember, put a note on those folders saying ‘Mom these are not to be posted to Social Media… I know you understand – love you!’ That way the lines are clearly defined and controlled by you.” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think YTJ, but I think you’re making the rules too complicated to follow. ‘Well, in this one you can see half of my daughter’s face, so OK, but in that one, you can see 2/3 of her face, so no.’ I think it’s better to ask that your daughter’s photo not be shared on public social media. Your mom can share photos via group emails, set up a Dropbox account to share with her friends, or use another photo-sharing app with a limited audience.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re setting healthy boundaries around how your daughter’s image is used and shared. Your mom is emotionally manipulating you into feeling bad. You did the right thing and it hurt her feelings – that’s hard for some people.” LyrisiVylnia
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pet Sit Anymore?
“Between me and my partner, we already have three dogs. His parents want us to pet sit their dog when they go away… initially, this was just for a weekend or so but is becoming longer and more regular.
I’m finding him really difficult. I can’t walk them all together without it being incredibly stressful and getting just a few out of the house at a time is a mission so walking them in batches is almost worse than walking them all at once. He damages stuff and makes a mess which I guess my dogs do sometimes as well but for some reason when it is someone else’s dog I find it less tolerable.
Can I say no to pet sitting, or even just put a time limit on it, or am I being unreasonable?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Pet sitting is a big favor – there’s a reason why in most big cities it’s $50/night or more. The thing about big favors is that a) you should only be asking for them rarely or b) you should be doing something equivalent in return.
And even when one of those conditions is met, it’s a FAVOR. An extra thing you do to be nice, not something you’re obligated to do. Having a time limit or a frequency limit or both is completely reasonable.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – Talk to your partner and make sure you two are on the same page. Though if you are primarily responsible for pet care, then it is your choice.
I suggest that he be the one to tell his parents that you two either need to cut back or stop altogether since they are his parents.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all.
They need to respect your boundaries, health, and time. It sounds like they’re taking advantage of your goodwill here.
Try putting a time limit on it. If it becomes unmanageable, you need to assert yourself and communicate how hard it is on you.” arraiiadotmq
13. AITJ For Telling My Brother That It's His Fault Our Mom Is Sick?
“I (16M) have an older brother (20M).
2 years ago, before going to college, he came out to our parents as gay, which made our dad disown him and cut all contact with him. He tried to force our mom to cut contact with him as well, but she refused, which led to a huge argument between them.
After a couple of months of almost daily fights, our parents eventually decided to divorce.
Soon after, mom started feeling sick and she was eventually diagnosed with breast cancer in stage 3. Dad was only paying for alimony and refused to pay for my mom’s treatment as well and my brother obviously couldn’t pay either cause of his college taxes. My mom’s disease progressed and now the doctors estimate that she only has 1, max 1.5 years left to live. My mom accepted her fate, but I honestly started to resent my brother for this, as I don’t see what was the point of him coming out right before going to college in another city, it’s not like our dad wouldn’t be able to keep track of who he’s going out with once he moved there and his coming out only caused problems in the long run.
My brother told me on the phone that he feels so bad about our mom’s situation and he blames himself for not being able to help her, which made me tell him that he should blame himself for coming out to our homophobic dad, which destroyed our parents’ marriage and probably even got our mom sick of cancer due to all the stress caused by the divorce.
My brother told me that he was still hoping that our dad would come around and that he wouldn’t have done it if he knew it was gonna cause our parents’ divorce, but I told him that the harm was already done and it was his fault that our mom’s sick now.
He started crying and told me that I’m a jerk for thinking that his coming out is what caused our mom’s cancer and then hung up on me.
But honestly, if he hadn’t come out, our parents wouldn’t have divorced, and even if mom would’ve still got cancer in this case, at least dad would’ve been there to pay for her treatment, and thus he might’ve still been able to save her, so I really think my brother should’ve postponed his coming out for a couple more years at the very least.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Mild YTJ – but only because you’re in grief over this and instead of placing your anger at your father, you’re placing it on your brother. How was he supposed to know when she was going to get cancer?? I highly doubt he wanted to do that out of maliciousness.
You need therapy with the number of mental gymnastics you’re doing to yourself and your relationship with your brother to avoid blaming your father for being crappy.
Let’s say your mother never got sick. Would you just expect your bother to just… never speak up? How was he going to hide the fact he is gay? How would that even work? It wouldn’t. It would’ve been terrible. He did what he thought was right by waiting until he was no longer living there to speak up.
Your father is the core of the issue here and your anger and angst are what’s blinding you.
You need to call him and tell him you’re sorry before your mother passes away. She doesn’t need this additional family drama on top of what’s already happening. That additional stress will accomplish nothing.
She has cancer. End of story. You can’t change it. You can’t blame it on anyone.
What you could blame is your father for treating your mother so horribly during this time and unlearn the toxic behavior and bigotry towards your brother, which I assume you learned from your father.
Also, if your father can treat your brother AND your mother like that… what makes you think you’re so special that he wouldn’t do that to you???
Again, get therapy. Please.” No_Gift_4757
Another User Comments:
“In your opening statement, you said, ‘he came out to our parents as gay, which made our dad disown him.’ No, your brother did not ‘make’ your dad do anything.
Your dad chose that path on his own.
You are young, anxious, and grieving about the illness of your mother – who is a saint for having put up with your father for so many years. I’m absolutely certain that this is not a single issue of divorce. This was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
As bad as you are feeling, you must know that your brother is also feeling very bad about this situation.
While it may be understandable that you might direct your anger and frustration at your brother, the real culprit is your father. It is because of your father’s hate and malice that the entire situation exists.
When you go down the ‘if only’ road (‘if only my brother had waited a couple of years to come out’) you are making up a fantasy world in your mind that things may have been better in your mother’s life based on pure conjecture.
It could be that your father would leave your mother for another woman, or because of something you did instead. You cannot use ‘if only’ scenarios to justify your misplaced anger.
YTJ for making your brother the scapegoat for your father’s transgressions. You need to seek counseling and get better with your brother. Your mother is going to need you and your brother to be supportive in the time that she has left. She deserves that at least.” Scary_Offer2479
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and a huge one. Not as huge as your father, but still a huge one.
I know how bad you and your brother are hurting right now. With the knowledge that your mother is losing a hard battle with breast cancer and that eventually, you’ll lose her. With the divorce. I understand and I know how horrible you’re both feeling right now.
I have lost a few people to breast cancer, my Mimi (grandma) being one of them. I’m also the child of divorced parents who has seen a lot of people lose everything because of divorce. I’m so sorry for everything going on in your life, I know it’s hard and it’s only going to get harder before it gets even a bit better.
But. With all of that said, none of this is your brother’s fault. None of it. He didn’t cause the divorce, it was your father. He didn’t cause your mom to get breast cancer, it was some ungodly mix of genetics, environmental issues (ie, getting mesothelioma from asbestos), or just some kind of terrible luck. None of it is his fault, please understand that.
He had no way of truly knowing your dad wouldn’t accept him, that your mom would accept him, that your dad’s failure to accept his gay child would cause a divorce between him and your mom that outed her breast cancer diagnosis. None of that. He had no way of knowing any of it. It’s not his fault just as none of this is your fault either.
Unfortunately, it’s how life tumbles sometimes I’m afraid. The divorce is your father’s fault because he failed as a parent and didn’t do the one thing parents are supposed to do, accept your children as who they are no matter what. He failed as a parent to your brother. He failed as a husband to your mother. He’s the one to blame here for the divorce, not your brother.
No one is to blame for your mom’s cancer, but if you want to put the blame on someone for the divorce, blame him. He’s so much of a homophobic jerk that he’s willing to let your mom die of cancer because she supports your brother instead of conforming to his beliefs. Think about that for a bit.
In spite of all of this, I have one more thing to say to you.
Look in your own soul and find it in yourself to accept your brother. Apologize to him for the things you have said to him and for how you have treated him. Hope he forgives you. Then if he does, spend every moment you can with your mom. Make some amazing new memories with her and your brother. Make the most of the time she has left on this earth.
She’s going to need you and him to support each other when she passes.
I hope you find it in yourself to take everyone’s words here to heart and accept your brother as who he is. He’s not the villain of this story.” Sudden_Deer1314
12. AITJ For Bailing Immediately After My Grandma's Funeral Just To Avoid My Mom?
“I haven’t been on speaking terms with my mom because for as long as I’ve been with my wife, she refuses to accept her and blames her for ‘stealing me away’ while trying to keep me around even though my wife and I are a package deal. That in addition to treating my kids as photo props for her social media is what has led to not speaking.
My mom’s mom passed away and seeing as how I had a good relationship with that grandparent, I drove 10 hours to attend the funeral seeing as how it was the right thing to do. Before doing so, I spoke to my mom and said ‘please don’t use the funeral as an opportunity to discuss our issues, I only want to pay respects to grandma, etc’.
She agreed.
Fast forward to the funeral. We had a reunion with the family beforehand and my mom starts talking about how I’ve driven her away and I reminded her of what was agreed to. She presses on but I manage to sit separately during the service. I get a text from her during the service saying how I’m making a mistake and by that point I’m annoyed. After going to the cemetery for the last part of the funeral, she tries again to talk to me.
I eventually said I’d discuss it at the reception afterward to calm her down but instead, I went the 10 hours back home.
I understand I could be the jerk because I pretty much bailed as soon as the cemetery service was done but I get angry when people overstep boundaries that I tell them about and I thought walking away would be better than staying.
This is especially true when I have a narcissist mom who texted me during her own mother’s funeral to guilt me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You and your Mom had an agreement to discuss things at another time as this was not the appropriate time. I would like to give your Mom some grace here because her Mom passed but it’s difficult as she seems like a manipulator and used the funeral to push her agenda.
While it wasn’t cool to tell her you would talk to her after the reception, I can see why you left. Frankly, it’s hard to sit around and wait for the proverbial kick to the nuts. You already had a taste of what was to come, more manipulation. I say to set boundaries in place but you tried that and she clearly has no interest in what you think or feel, it’s all about her.
Won’t matter what you say, she expects you to toe the line, her line.
Have you two spoken since?” Shoo_B_Doo_B_Doo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It is disappointing your Mom couldn’t respect her own mother’s funeral enough to cease talking about her issues and respect your boundaries. Even after you reminded her multiple times.
In fact, if she had respected your boundaries, you might have been more receptive to a tepid rekindling of your relationship.
Your mom has a sense of victimization that has driven you away. I’m sorry you couldn’t be fully present for your grandparent’s funeral, but that is your Mom’s fault, not yours.” Independent-Length54
11. AITJ For Buying Furniture Behind My Mom's Back?
“I (f, soon to be 17), needed a new desk since my old one is too small, some parts are broken, and some bolts are missing. I had it for almost a decade, and during this year I had been saving up for a new one.
I managed to get my father to help me with finances (40% of the money), and he ordered a desk I liked. That was a week ago, and the desk is now here.
Problem is, once my mother learned about it, she lashed out at me and my father, saying how we didn’t inform her of the purchase. She said how we always buy stuff without telling her (for reference my father had bought a chair for his computer behind her back) and that we should consider talking to her about buying stuff.
The situation escalated, and now she threatens to throw the new desk away. It is true that I have bought other things without telling her (mostly for my room), but this is the first time I saw her so mad. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother is way overreacting to this. This is something that you paid the majority of, and it is for your room and your use – it almost doesn’t affect your mother’s life at all.
You are 17 years old, almost an adult. You can buy stuff for yourself without telling your mother. She doesn’t need to have a say in every little detail of your life.
And threatening to throw out the desk is insane. The reasonable response would be to say, calmly, that she would have liked to have been consulted on purchases like this and would appreciate consideration in the future, not exploding and threatening to throw the desk out.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I know it’s easy to jump the gun and judge your mom, even saw some armchair psychologists here call her a narcissist but maybe she’s concerned about your finances? Either way, it seems she’s more upset at your dad tbh.
Maybe your mom has a reason to be upset about these sums being spent without her knowing of it, but you ain’t no jerk dear hope you love your new furniture!” BonjourCheriex
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The people who paid for the desk (you and your dad) are OK with the purchase. The item is primarily being used by you and presumably will be in your room. The purchase is a reasonable one. That’s really all that matters.
It would’ve been nice to tell your mom ahead of time or loop her in, but this doesn’t rise to the level of being a jerk move.” cedarnotes
10. AITJ For Commenting About My Colleague's Relationship?
“In the UK, where I live, people can open accounts called ISAs.
It’s basically an investment account where you can put £20k per year and any profit you make is not taxed. If you want to invest more than £20k then you have to open a regular account and then you may have to pay tax. So obviously, it makes sense to max out your ISA first every year.
Recently I and my colleagues at work had some conversations about finances.
I learned that one of my colleagues, after maxing out his own ISA puts funds in his girl’s ISA. He can do it since he makes much more money than her.
This may sound like a smart idea – they try to maximize the tax-free allowance, but to me, it sounds slightly dangerous. Let me tell you why.
That colleague is in his 30s, and so is his girl, actually, I think she is a bit older than him.
I’ve asked him about his plans, and it doesn’t seem like he is planning to propose any time soon. He said that his girl has already started talking about marriage and kids, but it doesn’t seem like he is excited about that. It’s not certain that they will be together forever, so tying your finances may backfire.
So one day the topic popped up again, and I said ‘man, I really hope the two of you don’t break up, otherwise I don’t think you’ll see that money (that you’ve been putting in her ISA) again’.
He didn’t call me a jerk, but it was clear that he didn’t like my comment and said that he knows his girl better than I do.
So what do you guys think? AITJ for that comment?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – save your comments to yourself, they are both adults and they both know what they are doing. Neither asked for your opinion or advice.” another_dissapoint
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. He’s not wrong to be annoyed – personal comments about another person’s relationship are usually unwelcome.
But – you’re not wrong to point out the chance he’s taking. He’s committing tax fraud and entangling finances in a risky way if he is not committed to the relationship. Pointing out risky behavior as risky is being a good friend.” beebsaleebs
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, even if you’re trying to do with the best of intentions for your friend. They are both adults and have made an adult decision. You don’t have to agree with it, but they don’t need to hear it either. If down the line it ends and he gets screwed, then just be there for him but keep your options to yourself.” Clean-Ad-257
9. WIBTJ For Throwing My Friend's Stuff Away?
“A friend needed a place to stay back in December.
I let him live with me for a fraction of what the rent should’ve been for over 2 months (it was only supposed to be for 2 weeks). In February I finally had to tell him that 2 months was never the agreement and that he needed to find a new place to live while he waited on his new permanent place. He did move out but left a lot of big stuff at my house, my entire spare bedroom, part of my living room, and upstairs hallway have his stuff in them.
It’s been 2 more months since he moved out and it’s just sitting there.
My opinion is that I’m not a storage unit and he’s not paying rent to the other friends he’s staying with now either, so I know he could afford a unit. I texted him Friday and asked him to get his stuff so I can start fixing up my home the way I want it.
Well, he never responded. WIBTJ if I threaten that all of his things will be on the street corner if they aren’t out of my house by next Monday? I don’t want to be a jerk and throw away his stuff, it’s 2 solid wood shelves, a giant mirror, clothes, and a box of what seems to be memorabilia and accessories, his entire bed frame among other things.
But I don’t want it in my house anymore, would I be going too far? What should I do?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The friendship is probably trashed anyway at this point. Give him a reasonable amount of notice and keep the screenshots to ensure you can prove you did so. Go an extra step and tell the person he’s staying with what you’re doing as well, so someone else knows the situation.
Then once that time has passed, call a thrift store that offers pickup so it doesn’t end up in a landfill.
What you can’t do is never tell him you’re going to get rid of his stuff and then suddenly do it. Then you would be the jerk and possibly liable for the value of his things.” Classic_Special7045
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But maybe give your friend a reasonable amou*t of time to pick up their belongings.
Talk to them and be clear that they have to move stuff out within a time frame that you both agree on.
I know you’ve been patient with them and let them stay longer – and it sounds like this friend doesn’t really have themselves together so maybe just a week to coordinate moving all that stuff out isn’t achievable for them?” AbbyTMinstrel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are correct – you aren’t a storage unit. Tell your friend what you are going to do and give them a hard deadline to pick the stuff up, and keep to it. You already did them a favor by letting them stay with you rent-free. They are taking advantage of you.
If I were you, though, I would consider donating the stuff to a thrift store so that someone else can make some use of your friend’s stuff.
And, if they really want to, they can buy back their own stuff.” bamf1701
8. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mother-In-Law To Force My Daughter To Hug Her?
“So, my daughter is very shy and HATES being forced with physical contact.
My MIL lives far away and as you can imagine, when she sees her granddaughter she only wants to hold and kiss her.
But my kid is very anxious with anyone that she does not see every day. So, she is not comfortable with her gramma yet.
I try to tell them that it’s ok, but she only cries when my MIL holds her and takes her back to me. My MIL then starts to criticize me that I should force her and that my kid doesn’t like her because of me and the education I give her. My husband doesn’t like to see our daugther uncomfortable too, but she only blames me.
AITJ because she lives far and doesn’t see her granddaughter so often?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Explain to the grandmother that you understand her frustration, and can totally see that all she’d want to do is snuggle her. You can force vegetables, but you’re choosing not to force physical contact, you don’t want your daughter to dislike her MIL, and she WILL, if she’s forced to hug/kiss, etc.
Also, side note, watch for the anxieties. It could just be she’s an introvert who likes to be alone, but if she continues to not want to do anything outside her comfort zone, start looking at getting her to step outside and try new things. Of her own free will of course. Speaking as a mom of an 18-year-old girl with social anxiety. This is how it started when she was little.” tinny36
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kids have the right to their own bodily autonomy (sorry I worded that weird.) My 2 yr old was like that as well for a long time. Even with my family who she saw often. When we would visit my husband’s family she would mostly be attached to us or her older sister. There were a couple of times someone would try to force her but we threatened (and fully intended to follow through) to stop visiting if they kept trying to force her.
We haven’t had a problem since. She’s warmed up to people now and will give hugs but only on her terms. Forcing affection on anyone, especially a kid, is just wrong.” Alphawolf5916
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are doing the right thing in protecting your daughter’s bodily autonomy. It’s very likely your daughter hasn’t warmed up to your MIL because she’s being too overbearing towards your daughter.
Your MIL needs to learn patience and learn a way to interact with your daughter without forcing her to hug and sit on your MIL’s lap.” TerBear666
7. AITJ For Reminding My Partner That They Might Face Judgment?
“I (f20) have been with my significant other (nb 22) for about 9 months now. They’re non-binary but assigned male at birth and have been exclusively masc presenting for as long as I’ve known them.
My significant other and I had been texting earlier and my SO had just gotten back to their apartment after going to a bar with their friends. I had been off my phone all evening since I’ve been doing some work on my laptop.
They texted me and I could tell they were kinda tipsy. They asked me to do their makeup for their upcoming birthday and then they texted me that they wanted to start wearing dresses.
I am all for self-expression and I myself have a very non-traditional wardrobe. I agreed to do their makeup and then I texted them asking if they were ready to handle possible judgment.
They got annoyed and accused me of being unsupportive and then called me crying. They then told me that it took them a lot of courage to post on their Snapchat and then I noted that I had been off my phone all evening and had no idea what they were referencing. They then gave me a moment to check and I missed seeing a post on their private story talking about how they want to start presenting more femme and start wearing dresses.
My SO then admitted they were intoxicated. My SO is a really sensitive person so I feel like part of the reaction could have been amplified by other substances.
I feel awful because I genuinely didn’t mean for it to sound like that and realize that I did not need to remind them about the negativity but I just didn’t want them to go into it without thinking.
I don’t feel completely innocent but I can’t tell if I’m the jerk in the situation.”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. I understand you’re genuinely just trying to shield them from hurt and judgment. But there is always going to be that possibility. There is never going to be a perfect time to start changing their gender presentation. Of course, there is a possibility that things might not go as smoothly as they want, but you should be there to help pick them up after they’ve tried, not stop them from trying at all.
And I’m saying this as a queer nb person who in the early days regularly got mistaken for my brother. When people around me told me to dress differently or tone it down in case something bad happened, it felt awful.
100% have a conversation with them and make sure that they are emotionally ready and are aware of judgments that could happen. Because I totally understand wanting to protect them if their excitement about wearing a dress and makeup is clouding their concept of the reality of the situation.
They may or may not be able to handle it, but maybe talk to them about this before telling them that you don’t think they should do it. It does come off as unsupportive even tho I know you are just trying your very very best to be supportive and protective.” alycestone89
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t know their history, like if everyone’s been supportive in their life.
Some people are really fortunate and never really come across much hate, which is really great. And if that’s the case, NTJ for making sure they realize this step could change that.
Also, it’s possible to be very supportive of someone and also be concerned for them. If it was meant in a supportive way, then I’d say that’s a good thing. I think this is just miscommunication.” phinnegan_awake
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but I don’t think you meant to be.
If I have a clear picture:
Your partner was intoxicated and feeling brave enough to be vulnerable and shared with you at a time you happened to be busy and sober, and in your sober concern (perhaps even spurred by said intoxication), you asked if they’d considered all the consequences of truly expressing themselves.
I can see why you (presumably cis?) can’t imagine what the mix-up is. You were trying to help, right?
Full transparency, I’m cis as well and fully acknowledge that I’m not an authority on this or any trans or non-binary experience but as I explore the depths of my own cis privilege, the answer is right in front of our faces… Of course, they’ve considered the consequences!
They probably consider them all the time and have been afraid of them for so long that what they need is support, not a second doubting voice to join their own. When someone finally gets to the place where they’re ready, we don’t see all the self-reflection it took to get there, let alone to say it, and then put it on Snapchat (I know you couldn’t see it at the time and that’s not your fault, I’m just trying to paint a picture of what might’ve been in their head)!
Next time, ask what you can do to help instead of assuming you’ve thought of something they haven’t on an issue they’ve 10/10 given more thought to.” SatanicSunflower
Another User Comments:
“It’s a reasonable question, although it might have been better to have this conversation face to face. With texts about sensitive subjects you always have the risk of the other person misinterpreting your tone.
Still, NTJ.
You agreed to do their makeup and checked with them that they felt ready for this step. That IS supportive, completely different from ‘I don’t want to do your makeup because I doubt you’re ready’.
NTJ, but do tread carefully. This is obviously a big deal for your SO, and they will have a lot of conflicting emotions, including fear. Scared people can lash out, and hear something else than you mean to say.” Signal-Television510
6. AITJ For Not Telling My Mom What's Wrong?
“I (18F) have two siblings (16NB and 5F). I have a habit of not telling people what’s wrong when I’m upset, mostly because I’m afraid I might get judged for it.
This often makes my parents and teachers understandably worried for me. Here is the part where I might be the jerk: I have been feeling awful today. My parents try to ask me what’s wrong and I refuse to tell them what’s on my mind. My mom says to me, ‘I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.’ I have been sad all day and my mom is still worried about me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
Not knowing how to process your emotions and communicate doesn’t make you a jerk. Similarly, you have people around you who are concerned and want to help you. Don’t feel guilty about that, or about having the emotions or feelings you do. We feel what we feel, no matter how big or little the reason might be, and that’s okay.
Your feelings are yours, and therefore legitimate. If you’re depressed or upset, that’s fine, we can work through that because you’re not alone. Who cares if what upset you might seem trivial to you at the moment? It upset you, so you should navigate through those emotions to process them, and, ideally, work on getting yourself back to your health center.
As a father myself, I can tell you, that we parents care deeply for our kiddos, and want to help you in any way we can, no matter how big or small.
So don’t be afraid of judgment, your parents and teachers are obviously there for you. So use that healthy support network. Or, heck, even see a therapist. They can do wonders for helping you out, as well. Remember, our emotions and betterment are not linear things. They’ll have their downs, but they’ll also have their ups.
Keep at it! Everything’s going to be okay. In the meantime, you’ve got all the positive vibes I can send your way.” kalashbash-2302
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ for not saying anything. You are entitled to your feelings, but when you don’t say anything, it makes other people think they may have done something wrong. You don’t have to go into details, but just say something like ‘I’m just having a bad day’ or ‘It’s nothing you did, I just need to be alone’. Your parents care about you and they just want to help.
As a parent myself, we may not always have the answers, but I will always be there to help my children in any way I can. One thing parents do have is experience. We were 18 as well, been through a bunch of mess, relationships, etc. Just saying it’s not cool to leave them completely in the dark.” User
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
I totally get not wanting to be judged!
I don’t know if your parents have done something specific to make you think you can’t trust them or if you just feel that way in general, but either way, it’s something a lot of people deal with, and it doesn’t make you a jerk.
However, if you generally have a good relationship with your parents, I would suggest letting them know what’s going on.
We all need support sometimes, and you may be pleasantly surprised when they turn out to be a lot more understanding than you thought. If they have a history of belittling or dismissing you, then this wouldn’t apply, but if they’re generally supportive and kind, you might want to consider telling them.” Neverwhere_82
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s your call what you are willing to share or not.
You don’t owe anyone explanations if you’re not comfortable doing so.
That said – there are ways to redirect this. Maybe try something like: ‘mom, I’m having a rough day and I really don’t want to talk about it right now. I can tell that you care and you want to help – the best way you can help me right now is by understanding that I need some time and being patient with me.’
(And if it were me I’d also add ‘and a grilled cheese sandwich, because your grilled cheese always makes me feel a little better.’)
My point is: that they want to help and are frustrated because they don’t know how – so instead of getting irritated with one another because they’re trying to help you in a way you don’t want by prying for information let them know what kinds of help you would be willing to accept.” Transmutagen
5. AITJ For Telling My Mother-In-Law That I Don't Want Her Son To Stay At My House?
“My BIL is a teenager, and I told my MIL I no longer want him staying at my house. After a few different altercations where he’s left the kitchen a mess, left a candle burning when he left and disobeyed my rule about leaving a dog in its kennel all night, and letting her out to play at 5 am because ‘it wasn’t night anymore.’ Now my wife, MIL, and BIL are all annoyed at me because of what I said.
AITJ?
Edit: I don’t have many rules when it comes to the house. The only things I asked were that doors get locked, the dog stays in the kennel at night, and clean any messes made. He does not live with us, he lives with his parents and just wanted to stay over to visit the dog, because they do not have one. Everything stated above were isolated incidents over 3 different nights.
I never said he can’t come to the house. I only stated I do not want him staying overnight at the house because he isn’t respecting my rules.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here if communication has broken down to the extent that you are declaring he has to leave. The phrase ‘disobeyed my rule’ makes me think likely you are the jerk here if you have a ton of strict rules and those rules are strictly YOURS and not things that your wife and you are on the same page about.
Anytime a teen is not living in their own home they are probably dealing with issues that led to them leaving their home, and we don’t know what is actually the bigger picture here. If the teen is going to school or work, generally being pleasant, and isn’t considered to be an issue by your wife, then you are overreacting and need to use calm words rather than being so reactive.
Empathy and compassion should be your initial position. Teens do not have adult brains and are not necessarily wired to see the mess they make or the problematic things they are doing. It’s fine to have reasonable rules that are there for everyone’s safety and comfort. Please ask your wife and BIL to sit down and talk to you. You shouldn’t have gone to your MIL with this without trying to sort it out at home first.” Allimack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for this buuuttt I do not condone locking a dog in a cage/kennel overnight.
By all means though, an overnight house guest should be approved of by both you and your wife. Either one should have veto power. Your BIL didn’t follow basic rules/etiquette (my Brother and SIL are not allowed to use my grill after we lived together as roommates and left it covered in barbeque sauce and refused to clean it).
Even if you didn’t give a reason, it’s ok to just not let someone stay over. My BIL isn’t allowed over (wife supports this) because he steals anything not nailed down and might bring a hammer and crowbar to pry up the rest. He’s stolen from us in the past, got caught going thru our stuff at her parents’ house, he got caught going thru people’s purses at our wedding (he poured the entire time and her parents ditched out rather than deal with him… when he wasn’t invited and they had brought him to the wedding against our wishes).” Tigerdragon180
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here
This is pretty typical teenage behavior — not that I don’t think teenagers are capable of behaving better but I’m never surprised when they’re impish — but he’s not your kid and wants to use your house like a doggy vacation. You’re fine to enforce consequences for broken rules.
BIL is the jerk for being disrespectful and you’re only the jerk for stooping to his level.
It comes across (as it’s written) as an ‘I’m the head of this house’ flex that never works with rebellious kids. You could’ve told BIL that if he didn’t respect your rules that you’d have to revoke his overnight privileges but it seems like you blew up instead and you probably know that was a mistake.
Moving forward, see how he handles a few shorter evenings and go from there.” SatanicSunflower
Another User Comments:
“You sound like the jerk. He was technically right that 5 am isn’t night anymore. It sounds like he was taking your instructions very literally and you may need to speak more clearly. Maybe saying the dog should stay in the Kennel until everyone is awake, or until the sun is up, or whatever it is you meant by ‘all night’.
Sounds like you’re not willing to give the kid a chance to learn from mistakes.
Did he let the dog out of the Kennel too soon more than once? Did he leave a candle burning more than once?
Does he know how to use your dishwasher? There could be many factors keeping him from cleaning up if he doesn’t feel comfortable or isn’t sure how to.
You don’t have a lot of compassion for him.” 0y0_0y0
4. AITJ For Refusing An Apology From My Elementary School Bully?
“I (13m) got bullied from ages 6 to 9 by a kid (now 15), let’s call him A. A bullied a lot of kids. But he bullied me the most. When I was 7 my sister lost the battle with cancer and passed away. I and my parents were very sad about it, but A decided it was a good reason to bully me even more. He would constantly say that it was my fault my sister passed away and things like that.
When I was 9 I got taller, so I wasn’t an easy target anymore, and then the bullying stopped.
4 years later when I was with a friend at the train station, I saw A again, and he came up to me, saying that he wanted to apologize for bullying me. I said that I can’t forgive someone who bullied me about my sister’s passing. He then denied the fact that he bullied me about that and asked me why I made it up.
My friend said that he shouldn’t lie and that everyone from our old class knows that A did that. A then got very mad and shouted at me, saying that he didn’t do that and that he was the victim. I then said that he can screw off and that I will never forgive him for what he has done. A then ran away, crying with rage and humiliation, since everyone at the train station was looking at him.
A’s mother scolded me and said that I shouldn’t be so harsh and that A can’t help it because he has ‘anger issues’. I told her that having ‘anger issues’ isn’t an excuse to bully someone about losing their sister. She then got upset and ran to A, still with tears in his eyes. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he had accepted your refusal of his apology with grace, it would have been ‘no jerks here’.
He has every right to seek atonement for his past actions, but you are 100% entitled not to accept his apology and not forgive him.
Based on what his mother said, he might be on some program to help him with his anger issues, hence why he approached you in the first place. Even so, something people on these programs are told to remember is that the people you hurt don’t owe you anything and you need to be prepared to be rejected by them.
Additionally, his saying ‘I’m the victim!’ suggests that his apology wasn’t sincere. He did it in the hopes of being validated, being told ‘it’s okay,’ not for atonement or making amends with you, but to help him feel better about his own poor choices. When you didn’t give him what he wanted, he lashed out. You are right, anger management is no excuse for this behavior then or now.” FaeraFae
Another User Comments:
“No, you did the right thing. It’s an important lesson for him: he did the right thing by trying to apologize, and you let him know that you can’t forgive him. That’s such an important lesson with apologies. You can apologize, but you have to do it with the understanding that the other person is free to not forgive. The correct answer is for him to understand that he messed up, he can’t force you to change your mind, and for him to move on.
Yall are children. I’m glad you two are learning this lesson early.
I think he was just upset it didn’t go as nice as he thought, and he reacted out of anger with a childish answer ‘I didn’t do that!’ Because he is a child. At the end of the day, all we can hope for is that he reflects and understands what he did wrong and that he can’t force you to forgive him.
His mother seems to be enabling his behavior, but I’m glad you called him out on it. I think this will stick out to him… NTJ. I think you might have helped him out more than you realize. Hopefully, he grows from this.” Yuyiyo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You do not have to accept anyone’s apology. It also sounds like he didn’t mean it at all.
I’m sorry he has anger issues – maybe he has/had issues at home, maybe he’s just an awful person – but whatever the reason it is not an excuse to victimize others. His comments about your sister were far beyond ‘standard’ bullying.
Understand as well that accepting an apology and forgiving somebody are completely independent events. One can accept that someone is sorry without forgiving them as well as forgiving them even without an apology.
You are under no obligation to do either, nor to communicate with him further. What he did was horrible and his ‘apology’ was half-meant at best. He’s shown no real remorse and when confronted about the reality of what he did got defensive instead of more apologetic.
I’m really sorry about your sister.” kb-g
3. AITJ For Getting Upset At My Partner After He Said I'm "Hard To Help"?
“My partner and I were discussing something to do with my mental health. I have PTSD from childhood events which still affects my daily life with some bad anxieties and a few other things. As we were talking I’ll admit I got a little emotional and apologized for making our relationship harder for him due to my health problems. And he told me ‘it’s just you’re so hard to help’ and I felt extremely hurt by that for some reason.
I have been in therapy for about 2 years now and try to only bring up my mental health when it directly pertains to the subject, like a trigger, or I’m feeling extremely anxious. I really don’t mean to pile anything onto him and I only try to talk to him when it comes down to how my mind thinks vs his because I’ve noticed we’ve been having some arguments and I honestly think it’s just because our thinking process is extremely different so I was trying to explain that to him.
After his comment, he said ‘all you ever do is cry.’ I’m not sure where to go from here or how to handle talking to him, or really what to say. I think I might be the jerk for getting so upset and starting to get too emotional. Any advice?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and if you need to, take time from the relationship to give your full attention to improving your mental health.
I have been in this spot with partners before and they say these things because they don’t understand. Our mental illnesses aren’t magically curable and we aren’t broken pieces that need to be put back together. My own partner has never dealt with things I experience (severe depression, severe anxiety to the point of anxiety attacks, ADHD, and a mood disorder), and I told him this: I’m not broken, I don’t need to be fixed. I need you to sometimes be there, so I can explain how I feel and what I am thinking, but I want you to listen and not try to come up with a quick fix solution.
I want empathy. That’s it.
You deserve to find happiness and PTSD is really hard to deal with. I have had it after dealing with an abusive ex to the point I couldn’t sleep in my own bed or be touched by other people for a long time. Internet stranger, I hope you know you deserve happiness and I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel because I promise it’s there.
Maybe it’s time to put you and your personal growth first.” trashlikeme001
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The fact that you are in therapy, are even aware of the mental health concerns you have, do your best to try and not pile anything onto him, and have realized that your thinking patterns may be a different show that you’re actually pretty emotionally and mentally sound in this relationship at least.
While a significant other is not supposed to be a therapist, they are supposed to be supportive and understanding of mental health, and saying that you’re ‘hard to help’ just shows a lack of effort and communication. You said you were even trying to explain the differences in your thinking processes, which I think would really help him understand you better and make it ‘easier to help’, and it sounds like he just shut you down instead of actually trying to listen.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being emotional or crying and that can be properly acknowledged in a healthy relationship! Don’t let him cause you to second guess yourself. If he can’t be supportive of you or even try to understand where you’re coming from then you have every right to feel upset.” visense51
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and that is a massive red flag. This man talks to you like he thinks you’re a project he needs to repair and shows no empathy for your feelings or your trauma.
You are in therapy and someone is already helping you, and you aren’t asking him to fix anything for you, so for him to frame you as this burden that he’s trying to help and say you’re making it difficult is a major jerk move, and a sign of someone who doesn’t wholly see you as a person or an equal in the relationship.” ColloidalSylver
2. WIBTJ For "Using" My Grandparents?
“I’m 17, gonna be 18 later this year. I’m not in school due to VERY personal reasons (mental health stuff) and can’t get a job because my mom won’t let me (also has to do with mental health stuff) but I do want to do art comms.
Anyway
My grandparents are very well off and both still work (they’re in their 70s) and occasionally come over to ask if I and my brother (15) want to hang out and get some food.
The only reason I ever go is because they give us $20 every time we go. I don’t care about what they have to say, how they feel, what they want to do, where they wanna go, et cetera. I just do not care. I plan to keep this up until they either drop or stop making the offer.
Sounds REALLY bad I know but I have a reason besides greed.
They’re VERY Christian. The kind of Christian that believes their way is the only correct way. The kind that tries to convert everyone within earshot to Christianity (but won’t outright say it). The overly homophobic and transphobic and has to let everybody know kind of Christian. The car rides are insufferable and the ‘hymns’ they BLAST are unsatisfying and make me wanna scream. Hearing them debate how ‘disgusting and predatory’ the LGBTQ is makes me wanna cry (esp as a part of the community).
I hate them. I hate it all. but it’s free food and free funds. A lot of people would take that opportunity.
It’s not like I ask them for anything. I just take the $20, get a couple of bags of chips from 7eleven and go about my day after it’s over. Like I said before, I plan to keep taking the free stuff until they either drop or stop offering it.
So, WIBTJ for keeping it up?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Not only to them but to yourself as well.
You claim to be part of the LBGT community and claim not to care about what they think, but yet you haven’t let them know you are part of the LBGT community for fear of what? Them not approving (which you already know they don’t.) Losing an occasional $20?
If what they say really wants to make you cry your mental health is worth well more than that $20.” Affectionate-Item818
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I mean, you’re not stealing from them or extorting them. They’re offering these things. But also, I wouldn’t want to subject myself to that if I were you. There’s a reason why I, as a trans guy, refuse to go to church with my parents no matter how much free food is promised. Those people do not see me for who I am.
They see a delusional 20-something kid embodying an idea for them to oppose.” mrscheiwe
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Unless you’re donating that money, you’re just profiting personally from views you claim to be in strong opposition to, which is gross and hypocritical. You’re under no obligation to take a stand, but you can’t claim you’re on the moral high ground while eating the snacks of your oppressors.” widefeetwelcome
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Religious extremism is very real and very scary. If you can endure being in a situation like that, do it, but I’m not sure 20$ is a fair exchange for you.” TwoSwordsUser
1. AITJ For Wanting To Put Down My Cat?
“I (28F) was in a lonely living situation about 4 years ago and decided to adopt a pet to cope with the loneliness.
I found out someone in my nearby area was giving away a blind cat and everything needed to make them comfortable, as the cat was adopted from the local shelter to be a companion. Needless to say, their situation didn’t work out, but they made an agreement with the shelter to find her a good home rather than give her back. Cue me, taking home this cat.
I’ve had cats before, but they’ve never been blind.
Honestly, it’s been a long 4 years. She constantly makes noise. Every single minute of every single waking hour for 4 years, she screams or howls. Not typical cat noises, mind you, actual demonic howling. I’ve brought it up with the vet and they said her tests came back normal, so there weren’t any abnormalities, it was just her personality.
I’ve never owned a cat that talks this much. Friends and I would joke about ‘echolocation’ but this is crazy excessive noise. She will wake herself from a dead, snoring sleep screaming.
She (the cat) has had several other medical issues, such as glaucoma, eye ulcers, a grade IV heart murmur, a tooth that fell out due to decay, and most recently what we believe to be cat dementia.
She had surgery two years ago to have her eyes removed entirely because they had ulcers continuously (They grew too large in her skull, and she couldn’t close her eyes).
As her life continues, I find that her quality of life just declines. She does not travel well, even to the vet. Being blind, any movement in a carrier causes a demonic uproar. She screams every time she goes to the litter box and then has trouble finding her way back 20ft (in a straight line) to the couch, the only place she goes.
When I got her the eye surgery a few years ago, I intended to put her down then, but the vets talked me out of it. Since then, it’s been 3 years and she’s gotten worse in my opinion, and I’m worried the vets are going to talk me out of it again.
AITJ?
EDIT: She is currently 13+. When originally adopted by the person before me, the shelter aged her at 9 (and that was 4 years ago).
I doubt this to be true, as the mental capacity she shows seems older, but the exact number of years is unclear.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The screaming is likely due to dementia (yay!) that won’t get better but there are supplements that could help. However, with all the other problems, I think you need to have a serious chat with the vets about what the end point looks like regarding the cat’s quality of life.
Also, check out if she’s got kidney or intestinal problems that may cause the letterbox screaming.” TopBluejay8238
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Is her quality of life declining or yours? Rehoming her might be the best decision as you are clearly not interested in continuing her care. I am in favor of euthanizing pets when it is time, but it doesn’t sound like it is.
It sounds like you are in over your head.” Mtshort99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would suggest trying to rehome the cat first, but it may be difficult to find anyone who would want to take in a blind cat with health issues. If the vet tries to convince you not to euthanize the cat see if they would be willing to take her themselves.” Kitsune_YYT
Another User Comments:
“Giant YTJ
It’s just her personality and the vet clearly thinks she’s doing fine there’s absolutely no reason to put down a healthy cat…rehome it if it bothers you that bad but don’t get another pet because apparently noise bothers you enough that you consider putting them down.” User
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