People Request Our Thoughts On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Confiscating My Step Daughter's Phone?
“My daughter (22) got out of a very unstable relationship a while ago. She moved in with me, my wife, and my stepdaughter (17) for one month then recently moved into her new rental apartment. To be completely honest, both my daughter and stepdaughter aren’t close, moreover, I think my stepdaughter is the one with a problem because she had falsely accused my daughter of stealing in the past as well as trying to frame her just because she declined to lend her stuff of hers or do things for her.
That was when they were younger. Now they have what I believe is called a ‘civil’ relationship but there’s still some tension.
Last night I got a call from my daughter crying telling me her ex came to her new address and she got the cops called on him in order to get him out of the building.
I was confused I asked how he got the address and she said that he told her that her stepsister sent it to him. My stepdaughter wasn’t aware of what happened. I walked into her room and demanded to see her phone, she refused and resisted but I kept pressing it, my wife entered the room after my stepdaughter started yelling at me for taking her phone.
I scrolled through her texts while both she and my wife were yelling at me and found that she had conversations with my daughter’s ex and that she gave him my daughter’s new address. I showed her the texts and demanded an explanation but she basically told me to screw off and give her phone back.
I asked if she was aware of what she had done but she kept pushing back and yelling at me to give her phone back. My wife told me to give it back but I flipped out and told her that my daughter just got her entire life messed up again after what my stepdaughter did out of malicious and hatred. I confiscated her phone and walked out.
I heard my stepdaughter yelling and my wife followed me saying I was being unreasonable. I refused to respond and went to visit my daughter. We talked and I made sure she was fine then had her move in with her grandmother until we figure something out.
I then spoke with the police while my wife was still calling me. I went to stay at a hotel for the night and went to work from there the next day.
My stepdaughter isn’t speaking to me at all and my wife is telling me I have one last chance to give the phone back and she won’t ask again but I didn’t budge.
My wife admitted that her daughter made a mistake but said she is a child and doesn’t understand fully, and that taking her phone that she can’t live without won’t solve the problem.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can tell you even at 7 a child can recognize an abusive relationship.
I recognized my aunt was awful to my uncle, what a jerk she was/is, and would try to gaslight you now for what you remember.
That 17-year-old knew exactly what was gonna happen and did it on purpose. Mom is a jerk for backing up her daughter on this one, she admits it was a ‘mistake’ but wants no consequences….mom isn’t a parent, she’s an enabler.
Mom and stepdaughter are jerks. Stepdaughter made a string of conscious decisions to send a known harasser to the victim.
Imagine if her ex was violent? The call dad received could have been from cops and been very different. And the stepdaughter would have been responsible in part for it.
This would be a moment for me to reflect seriously. I’m not telling op to go do what I’d do. But I’d look at my wife and ask myself ‘is this a woman I want in my life, is this the character of the woman I married?’ I would be in shock with myself as much as anything.
I would need a straight conversation with her and ask ‘what is your position on’, then explain my own position. If it didn’t evolve into a conversation that mended bridges or come to some understanding, I wouldn’t even need to ask ‘is that your final decision’, coz let’s be honest. If you have to ask that, you’re grasping at straws, living in false hope, you know it’s dead the moment you have to consider that question.
I’d be done for my daughter’s sake.” Sirix_8472
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I grew up with an ‘all you need to live is air and food’ kind of environment. Taking your stepdaughter’s phone won’t kill anyone, and her life certainly does not depend on it.
I also think there could be more to the story here, you said you read through the texts, was the ex-partner manipulating your stepdaughter? Because there is a big difference between telling him the address out of spite vs. telling her partner the address because she thought she was helping.
I am going to assume that your stepdaughter knew the severity of the situation though because your daughter clearly moved to specifically get away from her ex-partner. Which, if it is the case that your stepdaughter did this act out of pure maliciousness, then that will have to be a talk you have with your wife.
If your wife is ok with her daughter doing horrible, mean things, and sticking up for her daughter instead of disciplining her, then that is something that will need to be discussed. Because people get seriously hurt from these kinds of actions.
And a little discipline, like taking a teenager’s phone away, never hurt anyone. And it sounds like, if this was a mistake, like how your wife is claiming it to be, then there needs to be a conversation between your daughter and your stepdaughter.
Also, giving out anyone’s private information is not ok. I get ticked off when my mom gives people my phone number. There needs to be a big discussion with everyone involved, you, your wife, your daughter, and your stepdaughter, about boundaries.
And get to the bottom of why your stepdaughter was so keen on giving away your daughter’s personal private information to someone who could have seriously hurt your daughter.” meservyjon
Another User Comments:
“So at first, I felt a little against you just because you did react without talking to your wife and bringing her in.
I feel like talking to your wife and explaining what you’ve heard and then your wife being on your side could have helped. It would have shown a more united front. BUT I don’t know your relationship obviously, so IDK if that would have helped in your situation.
However, you don’t mess around with unstable and/or abusive EXs. That is how people end up dead. And I completely understand wanting to help your daughter with that. She could have just started to feel kind of safe, and her stepsister ruined that for her.
Also, your wife saying ‘she’s a child and doesn’t know better’ is absolutely false. She is 17 and SHOULD know better and if she doesn’t, well then that’s on her. I’m assuming stepdaughter was aware of the situation and the reasoning behind the moving, thus she should know that if someone is running away from an ex/friend, you don’t just turn them over to those people.
So, NTJ in my opinion. And maybe you could screenshot and save those texts for a future thing should anything legal happen (I grew up around a harasser so my mind automatically thinks that anything that could be used to prove history can be helpful).” Brown-eyed-otter
17. AITJ For Not Inviting My Mother To My Wedding?
“I (27f) just got married. Hooray! It was a wonderful day full of joy, laughter, and many smiles.
It was a small wedding with close friends and family.
Except for my mother.
A bit of background, my mother is a very narcissistic person. She never takes the blame for her mistakes, and still blames my sister and me for her divorce. When last we talked she said, ‘Your father and I had a perfect relationship until we had you girls and you ruined it for us.’ Needless to say after that convo I cut contact for a good two years.
But, I’m not one to hate or hold grudges for long. I got in contact with her again and she started her drama of ‘woe is me’ again. Now that I’m older I’ve learned to put up with it and put on a big, fake smile and pretend to care.
When she and I sat down for a personal talk (I needed to have a few tough-love words with her), I finally asked her what she didn’t like about my husband – then fiancé.
She took a few seconds to respond but I finally got the answer.
She said she found my husband’s love for his family ‘creepy’ and borderline called my husband a freak for even caring about his mother.
A bit of background about my husband, he grew up with three brothers and a single mother to raise him and them.
I give this woman my respect for the sacrifices and bull crap she went through. She raised her boys right, and my husband is always the loveable, nerdy, and caring dork I love. I’ve known him since we were 13!
To continue, she bashed my husband for even having a good relationship with his family and constantly helping his mother when she needed help.
The last straw on the camel’s back was when she said ‘Don’t be surprised when he abandons you for his family. Someone like him will always be a creep for doing things like that with his family.’
EXCUSE ME WHAAAAT!?
I couldn’t help but stare in awe at this woman, the fact that she hates the idea of a caring family so much just baffled me. After we parted ways I went home and told my husband all that happened. I even told my father and stepmother and they all agreed she still hasn’t learned anything.
Oh well, I guess a narcissist will never learn. She’s always been prideful and never admits when she’s wrong. I could honestly write a whole book about this woman. But that’s for another time.
Anyways we all decided to not invite her to the wedding because we knew she would say something to kill the mood and try to bully my husband.
But, there’s always this part of me that feels guilty about not doing so. Like a tug, if you will. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“She wants to drive a wedge between you and your husband and your husband’s family so that when she’s old, she won’t have to compete with his family for your resources.
She’s seeding your mind with doubt. If she succeeded, you’d no doubt ask your husband to choose between you and his family. And to prove he isn’t ‘creepy’, he’d choose his wife. So then all of your shared money and whatever assets you acquire and the attention of all future grandchildren are for the sole benefit of your narc mother.
She wouldn’t have to share with your in-laws.
What is her retirement plan? Is it you? If so, that could potentially be halved with your husband’s mother in the picture, especially if your mom doesn’t know if your husband’s mother has the funds to retire.
So she’s setting herself up for the future, in her mind.
NTJ.” neeksknowsbest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Imagine if she was there and tried to give a speech. The things she would have said. Imagine if she glared at your MIL the whole time while also looking at her like she smelled like poo.
Imagine if she saw you in your dress and makeup and hair and she made one off-putting remark because you looked prettier than her.
Just because someone is your parent doesn’t give them an automatic pass to being a jerk, and it certainly doesn’t entitle them to be invited to events.
You did what you had to do to make sure that you, your husband, your family, and his were happy and comfortable on your big day. If anyone is to blame for her absence, it’s your mother.” HolyUnicornBatman
16. AITJ For Telling My Friend She Doesn't Deserve "Special Treatment" For Being A Mom
“I have an old friend who I will call B. B has always been a pretty lazy friend, never wanted a job, never wanted to go to school… didn’t have any ambitions. As soon as B got out of high school she got pregnant by my partner’s brother 2 months into their relationship.
B doesn’t pay any bills, doesn’t work, and constantly is on social media complaining about how it is so hard to be a young mom ‘alone’ (her partner is gone 4 days a week to work and provide for them).
I would always come over and help B with chores, shopping, and watching her child until over time I realized it really wasn’t that hard… there was no reason for me to be there constantly, plus I was doing all her work on top of my 50-hour-a-week job.
Fast forward 2 years in and I’m about fed up, I’m coming over less and less. B still has no job, sits and smokes all day, her car is dangerous to drive with a child, her tires are BALD and she wastes her money on smoking stuff instead of fixing it.
Then cries about how there is no one ever to help her when I’ve given her money countless times for the baby etc., that she obviously blows on herself. One day she confronts me about coming over less and tries to make me feel guilty.
I broke finally and told B that I can’t stand lazy moms like her who act like they grab the sun with their bare hands for just sitting around all day. That just because she got knocked up as a kid on purpose does not mean people need to grovel at her feet or drop their lives to help her.
That she needs to get a darn job, and I’m done helping her with stuff she can clearly do herself. Being a mom with all your bills paid is not that hard considering I’ve been doing it for you for days and nights on top of overtime at my real job.
B was offended, turned it around on me, sent me some nasty messages I didn’t even bother reading and I blocked her. I have not talked to B since and that was about 10 months ago. AITJ for the way I blew up on my ‘friend’ or was I being taken advantage of?
I have a lot of ‘mom’ friends who sadly act like this and I’m done being nice to them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re actually surprised that she behaved the way she did towards you in the end? Why would she ever have to lift a finger if she’s been conditioned to believe that all she has to do is complain and keep her door open for others to manage her life for her?
Talk about enabled and entitled. People like that are really good about finding people like you, and of course, they get mad when their support system is removed even though they do crap about the real issues. Move on with your life, and maybe she’ll figure out eventually how to move on with hers (she already knows how to pop out a kid, so at least we know she has some abilities…)” TripleTheHamster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were being used, she wasn’t a friend she was someone just taking advantage of you like everyone else because she doesn’t want to do anything. If you’re noticing that you are being used by a lot of other people you should also cut them off!
There’s a difference between helping out a friend because they just want some social time and a friend to come over and need a little bit of help, and somebody who is being a bad parent and doesn’t want to put any work in for their kid.
One person is overwhelmed, the other is selfish.” JCBashBash
15. AITJ For Making My Mom Choose Between Me And My Ex?
“I (27F) was seeing Anne (30F) for 6 years. We lived together with her son (7M).
Our relationship wasn’t healthy, we were in the middle of the adoption line and we met two kids, but it didn’t work out between us I didn’t have time to exist (I work from 8 AM to 7 PM – Monday to Saturday, Sunday I work part-time), so we split up and got off the adoption line.
2 months after we broke up, Anne started seeing another guy and they are engaged, living together.
I, at first, was present in her life because I saw her son grow up basically, but I cut it off because she used every opportunity to exceed my limits even though I told her to stop.
She and my mother are very attached, Anne even calls her mother.
I started going to church, and my mother decided to go along and called Anne. So every Friday and Saturday, the church I was comfortable in, has my mother and Anne who insist on sitting with me, even though I ask for space.
Everything that involves events at my mother’s house, she invites Anne, even though I’ve told her several times not to do it and make it very clear that I don’t want her around.
I reached my limit when I made a gathering at home and Anne appeared along with my mother.
And again, Anne pushed all limits, caressing my face (even though I’m asking to stop) and thinking she can boss me around. And remember, she is engaged.
I’ve realized that despite all my requests not to call while I’m there or not to call her to my own house, they’ve all been left out and disrespected.
I have refused to go to my mother’s for a couple of weeks, and I haven’t called her to my house either.
When she asked yesterday the reason for this, I was honest and said:
‘You don’t understand and you put me in extremely uncomfortable situations where I’ve already said that Anne oversteps my limits and you don’t seem to care.
So I’ll go no contact with you, while you insist on having contact with my ex since you disrespect me and my requests not to include her even at events at my house. Either her or me.’
She got angry saying it was unfair and they are friends.
And how childish it is to give an ultimatum. Even Anne texted me (on her son’s cell phone, because it’s blocked on mine) saying that this was unfair to her mother and that I was supposed to get over my ex being friends with my mother.
I don’t like ultimatums, but I’m doing it for my mental health, because this kind of situation still messes with me and Anne knows it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Neither your mom nor Anne wants you to move on.
Your mom probably because she secretly hopes you will resolve your difficulties with Anne.
Anne, because she is playing games, and being manipulative.
‘Our relationship wasn’t healthy.’
Looking at her behavior since you broke up, I bet it wasn’t! She wants to control you, get your attention and keep you dangling on a string to block any chance you have of a happy, separate life away from her.
She comes across as a narcissist.
Go full NC with Anne, and unfortunately her son. Block her on her son’s phone. Go LC with your mom, phone, text, or video chat, but say you won’t visit or have her visit you until she respects your boundaries.
Don’t answer the phone when your mom calls, it may be Anne. Listen to voicemail and call back. Tell her – because you know she’ll be relaying what you say to Anne – that you are moving on, and don’t need reminders of a past where you weren’t happy.
As for church, you’ll either have to go on a different day, or at an earlier time, or go to another one, a sister church of the one you attend. It’s very low of them to pursue you in your place of worship.
If you need to move to another town/city for peace of mind, do it.
Stay strong, OP. You can move on, heal and be happy.
NTJ.” Successful_Dot2813
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to guess that you chose Anne, a person who doesn’t understand boundaries or respect, because of your mother.
I’m also going to guess that, as you continue to grow in yourself and learn how to set and enforce boundaries, your mother is going to lean even harder into her relationship with Anne. And Anne will do the same.
Think of it as having a defective computer program in their brains that compel them to seek these kinds of relationships.
It would be ok if your mom were having a friendship with Anne so long as she kept that relationship separate from yours, but she can’t even seem to do that.
Ultimately, you’re going to have to severely limit your contact with your mom in order to limit your contact with Anne.
You’re NTJ, of course. Good for you for leaving an unhealthy relationship (with Anne). And best of luck in finding a healthy, supportive chosen family as you grow.” spectaphile
14. AITJ For Not Covering Up At The Kid's Area Of The Water Park?
“I have a condition that makes me bruise very easily. Sometimes the bruises can be quite impressive. But honestly, after living with this for my whole life, I hardly notice anymore. Or, I guess I notice, I’m just not bothered by it.
This is just how my body looks, most of the time. It can be pretty startling for others, sometimes. I honestly forget how people who don’t know me can be so put-off by it.
This past weekend my younger daughter had a birthday, so we took the girls to a waterpark to celebrate.
My husband took the older girl to the big pool and slides, while I stayed at the kiddie section with my youngest. She’s at that stage where you really have to watch her like a hawk in the water, as she overestimates her own abilities.
So I couldn’t stay on the sidelines in my coverup. Instead, I was just in my swimming suit on the side of the kiddie pool close to her. In retrospect, I should have known better. My calves are pretty hit up right now, as yard-work season has come.
After a little, another mom approached me and asked me to leave. She said my legs were disturbing the other children and making everyone uncomfortable. I had noticed a couple of kids look at my legs, and one of them did point and ‘kid whisper’ (aka shout at top volume) ‘What’s wrong with her legs, mommy!’ I just figured it was kids being unfiltered, the way they do, so I hadn’t reacted. Anyway, here’s where I may have been the jerk.
I told her no. I said that I was here to watch my little girl playing, that I wouldn’t leave until we were ready, and that her kid would just have to not look at my legs. The woman ended up taking her kid away.
I don’t know where they went, but they didn’t come back. I think I ruined their day.
If I’m being fair, I could have pulled my girl out of the water and gone to find her dad to watch her instead while I sat on the side watching my elder girl (who can swim fairly well).
I know my bruises can be a bit much. At the time, I felt so self-righteous for standing my ground, but now that I’ve had time to cool down and think about it, I think the right thing to do would have been to leave.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I have similar bruising issues. Most days, I look like a battered woman. I have a lab puppy right now who likes to put my wrists in her mouth because she’s teething. I look like someone has grabbed me by the wrists and tossed me around.
Had I been in your shoes, I maybe would have said to this mom, ‘I have a medical condition that causes me to bruise too easily. Why don’t you round up the kiddos who feel uncomfortable, so we can make this a learning opportunity?
I’d be happy to answer their questions.’ That’s assuming I’m up for answering.
When I’m not, I instead say, ‘I have a condition that causes me to bruise too easily. I understand that you are uncomfortable, but perhaps you should be asking yourself why that is – rather than expecting another human being to hide or change her body solely for your comfort.
It’s not my job to remove your discomfort when it’s your own thoughts creating that discomfort. If I had no legs would you be asking me to leave?'” sionnachglic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was totally out of line to suggest you shouldn’t be there.
You were right to stick up for yourself. Kids are going to be curious, they’re kids.
If she had a brain she would tell her kid something like, ‘It looks like she has some bruises! But look, she’s okay and having fun at the water park just like us!
So there’s nothing to worry about.’ Boom, done. Kid is reassured and fascinated and can go on living their life.
It’s not like you were walking around with an oozing wound exposed. People who have scars or bruises etc., shouldn’t have to hide.
This stuff is part of life. All kids will learn that eventually.” greenpassionfruit26
13. AITJ For Telling My Sister I Don't Trust Her To Babysit My Son?
“My sister and I both had babies recently. My son was born in March and her daughter was born in April. I formula feed my son. She breastfeeds. She’s not thrilled that I chose to formula feed instead of breastfeeding.
She’s got three kids and has always talked about how everyone should breastfeed unless they absolutely can’t and has even said we need to bring back wet nursing and accept that as the best for babies.
She has breastfed other babies before.
And has remarked that it’s so much easier even if they are normally formula-fed, to just pop them on her breast with her own child.
I’m staying home for now but due to a complicated delivery and PPD and PPA, I have been going to regular medical appointments.
My MIL has been babysitting while I go. My sister has offered to watch my son and I always say thanks, but it’s taken care of. My last appointment MIL was unable to babysit, my sister offered again, but we hired a babysitter for the couple of hours we needed. My sister confronted me over passing up free babysitting with her to pay.
Asked why I would turn her down over and over. So I told her the truth; I don’t trust her to follow my wishes enough to babysit. That if my son was hungry she’d just pop him on her breast like she talks about doing with other babies and toddlers she has babysat.
I told her I know she doesn’t get express permission whenever she does it and that makes me feel like she’d take the ‘simple’ method without caring how I feel.
She told me it was a ridiculous reason and said I was anti-breastfeeding.
She also told me to not trust her because she would feed my baby in the best way, that my way was ‘so wrong’ and shows the kind of sister and mother I am.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not a parent so my opinion obviously shouldn’t mean much, but even I know that it’s your kid, so it’s your choice how to feed them!
And really this isn’t even about breastfeeding, it’s about your sister demonstrating very clearly that she won’t honor your wishes when it comes to your child which is so messed up.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with PPD/A but it sounds like you’re doing everything right and have support.
I can’t imagine how difficult it is, but please pat yourself on the back.
(I will say I felt a huge ‘yikes’ at your sister’s ‘oh we just need to bring back wet-nursing – a practice that in the US at least, has a long and horrifying history of racism and classism.
I’m not saying that the act itself is bad! But let’s not pretend like it was some perfect solution without any cost even when it wasn’t exploitative).” welshcobsRthebest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were completely right in your assumptions of what she would do if she was allowed to babysit and she admitted as much.
You are right to not allow her to watch your child if she plans on doing something you are uncomfortable with while you’re gone. Not wanting someone else to breastfeed your child doesn’t make you anti-breastfeeding at all.
She’s just some zealot who makes all breastfeeding moms look bad.
I breastfeed and have breastfed a friend’s baby a few times while babysitting because SHE TOLD ME TO if ever she was running late and we ran out of her expressed milk to use.
The fact your sister thinks it’s ok to feed another child without permission is wrong beyond words and I’d be furious with her if she did such a thing behind my back (I’d probably say it was fine if she ASKED ME but to just assume it’s ok is wrong).” Worried_Aerie_7512
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
And you are 1000% right, she WOULD completely ignore your wishes and breastfeed your baby.
Her reaction says so.
It has nothing to do with feeding children when you go behind the backs of the people who put their trust in you with their kids.
This is an Ego problem your sister needs help with. She feels she knows best, therefore she doesn’t need the children’s parent’s permission.
Your sister routinely breastfeeds other people’s children (WITHOUT their knowledge) and will continue to do so because no one has stepped up and put a stop to it.
Tell your sister to tell the other parents she has been breastfeeding their children (Or you can tell them, OP) and see how many of them continue to trust her with their children.
Because of this, you don’t trust your sister, therefore she will never babysit your child(ren), Period.” RogueInsanity90
12. AITJ For Moving To A New Apartment Without My Old Roommate?
“So my (22 f) roommate Katie (21 f), our other roommate Ariana (21 f), and I were friends for a few years before moving in together. Katie and I loved Ari and we never had any issues with her until we moved in back in August 2021.
We were all separated for a year and when we finally could reunite to live together, Ariana’s whole personality had changed. She tried to move her new partner into the apartment when we repeatedly told her nicely that we were not comfortable with it and she let him stay with us for over a month without him paying and didn’t kick him out until we confronted her about it and insisted he leave (she absolutely knew we were not okay with it and was just pushing her luck).
After finally complying, she never apologized for this incident and tried to pretend as though it never happened. In fact, she asked twice again if he could come over sometimes to cook or shower and we had to draw a firm boundary considering the breach of trust. After this, our friendship never fully recovered and things are always a bit awkward between Ariana, and Katie and me.
We were still friendly with Ariana but she has definitely felt excluded because Katie and I are very close and we have grown distant from Ariana.
Beyond this Ariana is not a very good roommate; she only washes dishes that are her own and has never helped us deep clean common spaces (except once) all year.
She watches us clean the whole living room and kitchen without participating. She doesn’t help pay for cleaning supplies and trash bags and refused to pay her share of utilities when she was out of town for the month.
We didn’t want to live with her again next year but she expected that we would all live together again. She didn’t help us search for the current apartment at all and kept bugging us to help her search for a new one without looking at all on her own.
We waited a month out from our lease being up to tell her we wanted to move without her (mostly because we didn’t fully realize how unhappy living with her was making us until recently) and she is incredibly upset with us and upset we didn’t say anything earlier.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not wanting to continue to live with her. One has no obligation to live with anyone so long as one treats them fairly – i.e. gives them appropriate notice so they know they will need to find a new situation.
However, it is the timing of when you told her that confuses me and where you might be a bit of a jerk. If you had no intention of living with her next year it would have been the right thing to tell her so that she could have as much time as possible to find a new situation.
While 30 days might be legally sufficient it can take longer than that for someone to actually find a new place since they have to find the place in a shorter period than 30 days in order for them to physically vacate their current apartment in 30 days.
You don’t indicate why you couldn’t have told her immediately and also I don’t understand whether she knew you were looking without her during that period because you say she was bugging you to help her look for a new one – for her?
For all of you? Wouldn’t it have made sense to have just said we are looking for ourselves and you need to look for yourself without us?” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“ESH. She sucks, obviously, for her behavior. Although, I don’t see how not paying for utilities during full months where you aren’t at the house is bad – that was normal in every shared house I ever lived in at university.
Loads of my housemates did that.
You are the jerk not for not wanting to live with her, but for only giving her 30 days’ heads up. The renting market is horrible right now – I’ve been looking for an apartment for a year already and have not found anything affordable.
If you wanted to maintain any friendship with her at all, you should’ve given her as much notice as possible – with only 30 days, all her other friends will be locked into their leases already and she’ll have no choice but to move in with strangers if she’s able to find somewhere at all.
This has probably ended any remaining friendship between the three of you.” BorderlineBadBrain
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It’s fine that you didn’t want to continue to live with her. What you needed to do was tell her that.
That’s all. Tell her that and give her enough notice so that she has time to find a place. You knew she was expecting to live with you and you let her continue to think that and then told her when she had very little time to find an alternative.
It sounds like you are afraid of conflict. It’s gonna keep coming up over and over in your life if you can’t have difficult conversations with people. Not being able to have difficult conversations is what will wind up making you the jerk in these situations.” EtonRd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You gave her more or less the same notice as the landlord.
‘She is incredibly upset with us and upset we didn’t say anything earlier.’ You did tell her: she wasn’t listening to you (partner, cleaning, etc.).
There’s no need to be mean about any of it: you’ve just made a choice about living arrangements.
She reaps what she sows.” James_of_London
11. AITJ For Not Giving The Bride My Venmo Log-In Info?
“So I am the maid of honor for my best friend’s wedding.
My husband is a groomsman at the same wedding. There is only one other bridesmaid so for the bachelorette, it was just her and me planning. The bridesmaid didn’t really want much to do with paying for planning and whatnot which was whatever.
The bride insisted that it be a Jack and Jill party (the groom’s and bride’s bachelor/ette party combined together). I was okay with that because I wanted her to be happy. She also insisted that we invite some of her friends also that aren’t in the bridal party, again, it was whatever.
I have been planning and paying for the bach weekend for months alone; setting up reservations, planning activities, booking the Airbnb, buying party favors for everyone, etc. The very first idea I had before even coming up with a theme was to do that trendy Venmo idea where strangers buy the bride/groom a drink.
I changed my personal Venmo tag to a tag name that would be related to the bach theme, had pins made for everyone to wear, and bought chalk markers to write on the car.
As soon as I receive any funds, I would have it transferred to my card immediately to buy the bride/groom a drink or dinner or whatever for the weekend, since traditionally, the bride and groom aren’t supposed to pay for anything for their bach.
The bach weekend starts tomorrow…
I get a text from the bride a couple of hours ago asking for the Venmo log in. I explained nicely, no she can’t have it. And that the other bridesmaid and I came up with a plan to use the funds a certain way for the weekend.
Side note: the bridesmaid and I agreed that if there were any ‘leftover’ funds, we would send it to the bride and groom for them to keep, this was going to be a surprise for them if there was even any leftover.
She proceeded to tell me that she and her fiancé are uncomfortable and that I’m not respecting the boundary. I am very confused because it’s my actual Venmo account with my bank info in it. She was saying she wanted the funds to go directly to her bank account.
I tried explaining how the Venmo is for the whole bach weekend to help cover expenses for the bridesmaid and me to cover the bride and groom. I told her, even though I wanted it to be a surprise, that any leftover would be going straight to them.
And she is upset with me? I’m not sure what I did and we have never been in an argument before she got engaged. Ever since she started wedding planning, she became a completely different person.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Nobody needs your personal log-in for anything. If it’s a big issue for the bride, send the money to her as soon as you get it.
Make sure to keep receipts/screenshots of everything. That way no one can claim that you kept any of it.
Personally, I would keep the screenshots/receipts to myself and only offer them as proof if accused of said wrongdoing (Obviously, I’m not very trusting.)
If there is ever a next time, it appears that you should set up a separate group Venmo (or whatever) that is not tied to anyone’s personal banking info.” Thirdmushroom3192
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Bride is being super shady. She’s trusted you to plan all this out on your own, but now that there’s money involved she wants to swoop in and be in charge of the purse? Nah. I can list the people I’d be willing to give my Venmo log in to on one hand, and I’m related to all of them.
I don’t even know what her argument for this would be? You couldn’t possibly take ALL the money because the bride would notice if she wasn’t getting her drinks paid for. And even if you did keep some, it would probably at most be barely enough to cover what you already spent setting this up, which personally if I were the bride I would be a-ok with.
If the bride wanted to be reasonable and still in charge of the money, what she really should have done was ask to switch the Venmo tag to her own. Might be a little fussy changing everyone’s expectations of who to send the money to, but was less shady than basically requesting unrestricted access to your bank account.” RevvyDraws
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s uncomfortable, most likely, because the groom is and wants to dictate the money/spending. Like if you get $500 donated and want to spend that on the hotel rooms for the party, but he wants to pocket the money and make everyone else pay for their rooms. (That’s just an example I don’t know how the housing for the weekend works or how the money is supposed to be dispersed.) I’m just saying they probably want to oversee the money so they can use it as cheaply as possible and keep the rest. If she has never had an issue with it before it’s probably because he is in her ear about it.
I agree that I wouldn’t be giving it to them either since my bank account is linked. I do think the suggestion of returning the money to the donators, removing your bank account, and then handing it over would be smart.
But if you can’t remove your bank info maybe change the handle back to your original name and create a new Venmo with the same wedding handle and give her that, after returning the donations of course. It’s just suspicious they’re ‘uncomfortable’ with you doing the spending after you’ve been dealing with it for a while.” sage_ley
10. AITJ For Refusing To Get Rid Of My Cat So My Fiance Can Keep His Dog?
“My fiancé (29m- together 5 years) and I (27f) just got served a 30-day notice to quit 2 weeks ago following our home being sold. We had been searching for other places for a few months prior but had no luck finding something within our budget, room requirements and that allowed pets.
See, my fiancé brought me home a cat 4 years ago. She is like my baby. She sleeps on my chest most nights (but she doesn’t like being touched either so explain that, lol). Now, he did not tell me he was getting this cat but I loved the cat immediately so I never put up a fuss about it, ever.
Which is probably linked to why I might be a jerk about the dog. He didn’t ask me about the dog either.. he just came home with it 4 months ago. Now can I really be mad about that considering he didn’t ask about the cat and I welcomed the cat with wide arms?
Anyways, he got the dog not even 2 weeks before the landlord told us he was selling. So terrible timing and I told him this. I told him he should return the dog just until we secure a place because this is such a bad time.
He said that it would be unfair and grew insanely attached to the dog within days. Bringing the dog everywhere with him, letting the dog sleep between us (which meant now my cat won’t go near me), setting no boundaries with the dog at all or training basic commands because he likes that the dog jumps all over him, follows him everywhere and whines when he leaves the room.
So it’s been a struggle, for me, mentally. I’m overstimulated – just because the behavior is absolutely nonstop and if I say anything, he basically tells me to stop being a jerk to ‘his baby’. He HAS started training as of last week though after a complete breakdown on my part and it’s going well.
But anyways… our home searching is NOT going well at all. We have found studios that don’t allow dogs, room shares that allow no pets, and 2 bedrooms that are above our price range that allow pets with a deposit and monthly fee, etc. Well..
he finally found a place within our budget that allowed pets. That’s what he told me. We went to check the place out and I asked about the pet policy the owner stated that only one pet was allowed per unit and that there was a $500 deposit.
I turned to my fiancé and said ‘how’s that going to work?’ The landlord overheard and asked if there was an issue and my fiancé was like ‘Nope, no issue at all.’ He then filled out the application and has already got a call back for the deposit and lease signing.
But he told me I have to get rid of my cat because there was ‘no way’ he was getting rid of his dog. I told him I wasn’t getting rid of the cat I’ve had for 4 years so he can keep a dog he has had for 4 months.
He says I’m making things difficult and turning it into a competition and has told me to just ‘rehome the cat with someone you know so you can visit.’
I’ve refused. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have even more right to be upset when he brings home an animal with no actual discussion or game plan because it’s now a pattern.
He brings home animals with no discussion, he makes them your responsibility, and then he does it again.
Getting rid of a dog he’s had for four months would be hard on the dog? What about how hard it is for you to get rid of your cat?
What about how hard it would be on the cat?
He doesn’t make any sense. Dogs aren’t the only animals that suffer when they’re rehomed abruptly. Four months is also nothing. Pets spend more time in shelters and foster homes sometimes.
The dog will recover way faster and easier than a cat that’s bonded to you for four years.
It sounds like he only cares about his own whims.
He brought home the cat on a whim without thinking about how it would fit into your lives.
He got a dog on a whim, then balked like a child when you suggested he consider reality. He thinks it’s okay for you and the cat to suffer just so he can keep the shiny new dog until he gets tired and ditches it too.
Seriously, it’s almost like he brought home the cat just to hurt you.” Massive-Emergency-42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
So he brought the cat home 4 years ago without discussing anything. Cat is attached to you, bonded to you. Cat has rein of the place for 4 years undisturbed. Everything is seemingly great.
4 months ago he brings home the dog without discussing anything. Completely disregarding the already established cat. Creating a stressful environment for the cat, who has literally had its whole world disrupted. Poor little fluff is probably on alert all the time with the dog being present.
I get it, I like dogs myself, but there’s a hierarchy of pets that needs to be followed to provide a less stressful transition. And it seems like that hasn’t been done.
Suddenly you need to get out of there, and the dog of 4 months takes precedence over the cat of 4 years?
I’m sorry, but I’d start looking for another place by yourself. Honestly, this could be a great opportunity that life circumstances have provided to you on a silver platter. And it would be doing you and your cat a huge disservice if you didn’t go along with it.” KootiePieKoopa
9. AITJ For Alienating A Friend After We Walked Out And Lost Our Deposit?
“A while back, a group of 5 of us had planned to go to this restaurant where you can smoke.
We had planned this in the group chat, and we’ve been here before and everyone knows the drill. This restaurant has indoor and outdoor seating, so the indoor is just a normal restaurant while the outside is where you can smoke.
We booked this restaurant a week in advance because we wanted to go on a Friday and everywhere is super full on Friday nights.
We get there, and one of our friends shows up with her baby. Everyone is like what the heck?
It’s also one of those restaurants where you’re seated once the entire party gets there so the rest of us were in the little waiting area.
And we’re all like, are you okay with your baby being around all that smoke?
And she says ‘I was hoping we wouldn’t smoke this time, I had to bring the baby because the sitter I hired canceled.’
And I tell her that even if we don’t smoke, since we booked an outdoor table we’re going to be surrounded by people smoking anyways.
I guess she hadn’t thought that far ahead, because she looked a bit panicked.
We went ahead and asked one of the staff whether it was possible to get a table indoors, but they said it was a Friday night and they’re fully booked so if we want to eat there we’re gonna have to sit in the area we booked.
People were a bit unhappy, but none of us wanted to ask her to leave, since she came all the way and she was our friend.
So we walked out. We lost our deposit, and each of us paid our share of it to the person that booked the table.
But our friend with the baby didn’t.
When she was asked for it, she said she’d pay it back but when pushed she said she didn’t think that she owes anything. Then she said how can we ask a new mum on a limited budget for money.
People were angry, and haven’t really invited her anywhere since. She called me crying yesterday saying that we’re alienating her over something petty and that she feels depressed that no one from our group has called to see how she’s been in a while.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
How people in this world make it without the sense God gave a Billy goat is beyond me.
Of course she should pay. Everyone else paid for nothing because of HER.
Was she not going to pay to begin with?
She brought her uninvited baby and ruined everyone’s night!
I LOVE children! Have 3 of my own. Raised my niece. Adopted a newborn. I love them with everything I have, but…
I get tired! When it’s not a child event adults need and want time to be able to get together for good conversation, drinks, dancing, dinner, etc.
I don’t want to feel like I have to help mom with the baby to give her a break when I need one.
If I know someone needs help paying for dinner they say up front I can’t afford it and I probably will say don’t worry about it my treat.
Don’t tell me after the fact because that’s rude as heck.
Don’t feel bad. Just be straightforward with her so it doesn’t happen again.” IamTam6868
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she made her decisions, they had consequences, which she then forced others to absorb.
If you mess something up, you do your darndest to make it right or they stop wanting to be around you. This is simple and basic. She couldn’t be bothered to learn that lesson sooner well then she gets to learn it now.
It is not petty to cut someone out for screwing you guys out of your reservation for a meal/night out, lying about paying it back and then using her choices to excuse incredibly poor behavior. Personally, after this call, I’d be blocking her.
She’s a hypocrite who wants to claim it’s petty when it affects you guys but if it affects her it’s cruel and asking too much.
Why should anyone in the group care how she is, she didn’t care that she ruined everyone’s plans, and cared so little she actively disdained and refused to make up even PART of what she did.” StrykerC13
8. AITJ For Telling My Neighbor To Keep Her Kid Off My Property?
“A little over a year ago, I bought a house. In the front yard, there was a swing bench. It was a crappy swing too, the seat was made out of pallets, but the structure was fine. So I built a new bench to swing on and enjoy.
According to my partner, some lady that lives around us has been letting her kid come through our yard and play on the swing. I never saw the lady or kid and just brushed it off.
Until today, we went out to eat and when we came home, she was standing in our yard watching her kid play on our swing.
When we pulled into the driveway, she scooped up her kid and started walking off. When I got out of the car, she yelled at me ‘I hope it’s ok I let her play on your swing.’ I told her no, I was not ok with it, and that she should refrain from coming onto my property again.
She started arguing with me that if I didn’t want her kid on the swing, then I should have said something sooner, and maybe I shouldn’t have it in my yard if I don’t want others on it.
Mind you, I’ve never even met this lady the entire time we’ve lived here.
I kind of lost it at her and told her that she needs to take her entitled butt back to her house, learn not to touch things that don’t belong to her, and set a better example for her kid, because having her kid play on my swing is a liability for me if something were to happen and the swing was to break and or anything else that could happen to her on my property.
She just said whatever and took her kid and walked off. My partner told me I should have handled that better and that I sound like the stereotypical old man telling kids to get off his lawn. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should get a home security system with cameras around your exterior, even a doorbell camera. While hopefully, she won’t step foot on your property again, I bet she probably will. If you can get it on camera then you should call the police and have them issue her a warning or trespassing charge.
Like you said it’s a major liability if something were to happen to either one of them on your property. Their insurance will sue you to cover the bills. When my mom got hurt at her father’s house, insurance wanted to go after him.
They only stopped when they realized he had nothing (he was disabled due to strokes) and would never be able to pay them.
I think you should reach out to the local police or a lawyer and get informed on laws about this.
Or see if they can talk to this woman. She has no right to be on your property.” Fearless_Speech9883
Another User Comments:
“With the little info you gave I’m going to assume ESH.
Look, you are absolutely right, they shouldn’t have played on your property and this whole situation comes with liability issues.
You are not the jerk for telling them off.
But your partner’s point is not about that. She specifically said you could have handled this better, suggesting that you basically went off on them and that in front of a little child.
Maybe you could have told them more calmly? Being right doesn’t automatically make you not the jerk and your title is misleading.
Your partner doesn’t think you’re the jerk for telling a lady to keep her child off your property.
She says you’re the jerl for the way you were telling her, in an inappropriately aggressive manner.” myheadisbumming
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My daughter has a little swinger. A neighbor boy and his sitter (I guess, she is like 12 or 13 but not his sister) came over and said hi when my daughter was playing on the swinger.
He asked to play. I immediately said she would love to play with you but I can’t let you use the swing set. Multiple times I have said this to him. Never once as he wanted to play with my daughter after I said no swing set.
But it is an unsecured swinger and a crazy 4/5-year-old boy could get hurt on it very easily. If I gave permission for him to play while I am there I have no doubt they would use it when I am not there.
There was a swing hanging from a tree in the backyard right on the edge of my property but not mine and these same kids would sneak and use it after that. I never said anything, cuz not my swing.
But then one time we were out in the backyard and the kid made a beeline for it and his sitter told him ‘not now’ and so he asked if it was my swing. I said no. So then they just started swinging.
A few days later the swing broke. They probably think I did it, lol. But yeah, they were little turds thinking it was my swing and that they were sneaking on it. But those were children, not adults, so sneaking is more something they do.
An adult should know to just ask permission.” Corduroycat1
7. AITJ For Encouraging My Daughter To Be A Housewife?
“My daughter is at that stage where kids pretend they are grown-ups with jobs. The jobs differ depending on who she meets or sees on the TV. In the last few months, she wanted to be a teacher, babysitter, truck driver, president, garbage collector, photographer, ‘knee doctor’ (after I injured it), scientist, witch, football steward (Last month I was watching a football match with her and she asked me why are the people in yellow not watching the game, when I explained they are there to ensure that no one goes to the pitch she told me that’s what she wants to do when she grows up because they get paid to do nothing lol.)
I try to play along with every job she wants to do and buy her the required tools for it if I could afford it. For the steward job I got her a little vest and made her an official badge, she would stand in silence watching me and after a few minutes demand I pay her.
Last Saturday an old friend of mine paid us a visit, my daughter asked her about her job. My friend replied that she is a housewife so for the whole afternoon my daughter kept interrogating her. After my friend left all my daughter wants to do since then is to be a housewife.
She already has 3 kids that she helps with homework and teaches them manners, and each one of them has a food allergy.
Yesterday we were coming back from the grocery store when we met some neighbors, they started talking with her when she told them she just came back from the grocery store to make dinner for her husband and children.
They gave me some weird looks and said goodbye.
A few hours later they knocked on my door, they wanted to have a private discussion with me. After I explained what was happening, they gave me a one-hour lecture about how stupid and ignorant I was and I should stop encouraging this because I was damaging my daughter.
They told me we aren’t in the 60s anymore and young girls shouldn’t dream about being housewives anymore and demanded I stop brainwashing my daughter because her subconscious will start settling for being a housewife instead of dreaming about bigger things.
I haven’t been able to sleep since then, I had my daughter when I was 19 and now I am 24, her mom wants nothing to do with her. Every day has been a struggle and most of the time I don’t even know if what I am doing is right so the thought of unintentionally hurting my daughter is filling me with guilt.”
Another User Comments:
“I am a childfree gothy tattoo artist. I’ve always hated anything ‘feminine’, and strive to be as unladylike as physically possible.
However. My very best friend is a blonde bombshell fashionista SAHM. The exact caricature of the ’60s lady that your neighbors warned against.
And do you know what we both have in common?
We’re really freaking happy with our life choices.
She loves being a mum. She has funny, smart, gorgeous kids, and she takes pride in keeping her house in order. Her husband is wonderful, and really nails that home/work-life balance.
And I love owning a ton of snakes and having enough money to upgrade my gaming PC whenever I like.
What I’m trying to say, is that there’s no set definition of womanhood. And there shouldn’t be. Happiness is the key to true empowerment, and we should be elevating all of our sisters, no matter the differences in lifestyles.
So NTJ, OP. Just keep loving and supporting your daughter through all of her ‘phases’, and make sure to hype up her decision when/if she finally settles on one.” CrazySnekGirl
Another User Comments:
“I’ve been a SAHM for a couple of decades now.
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been told off by ‘feminists’ because my choice is not valid. I had a married couple (M&F with a kid where she did not work because of health issues) go completely off on me for calling myself a housewife.
‘Are you married to the house?! I think not.’ I told them that we are the House of (Lastname) and my family was my house.
Why can’t we all just make our lives the way we want? I had a career.
One of my kids had health issues and becoming a homemaker fixed the problems. It wasn’t something I thought I would do, but I’m good at it and I actually like it. I’m constantly amazed at how many of the people in my area do not have basic skills; cooking, cleaning, budgeting, sewing, gardening, planning, etc. I have plenty of time to make sure my kids learn these things and they are all skills that transfer into a vast array of situations and jobs.
NTJ. Also…I have pics of my child at around 3 wearing fairy wings and holding a broom while wearing an apron. They said they were the ‘cleaning fairy.’ Take a pic when your kid dresses up to play career.
You will treasure it later.” AnankeOrganized
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Look, encourage her, support her, and always have her back. Also, teach her to explore her curiosity, and have a work ethic, grit, and growth mindset (which it sounds like you’re doing).
My parents did those things. I also grew up with a SAHM, a traditional mom. Now I work because that’s the economy we live in. If I could afford to be a stay-at-home and pursue my dreams and preferred interests and develop my primary skills all day, would I?
Sure. Wouldn’t anyone? But that’s not the world we live in. So instead, I go out and pursue the interests and skills that make my family a buck, because that’s the way our world works.
I learned early on to balance work and life.
I work to live, I don’t live to work.
One day I was at a book club because reading is a hobby I deeply enjoy which nourishes my mind and soul. Afterward, as we were making small talk while leaving, two of the women began talking about the author of the memoir we’d just discussed and began waxing rhapsodic on their gratitude that all our mothers were educated working women who had raised us to have brains and not be enslaved to the house.
I thought of my own lovely educated SAHM, who made the choices she made for her emotional and mental health, and I wanted to cry because of how judgy and catty these women were about housewives. Some people work for income.
Some people stay home. Let’s be real: the decision to work or stay home is made because of the need for income. When people can sacrifice their income to preserve their mental health, they will often choose to develop interests for noneconomic reasons that are nonetheless beneficial to themselves, the family, and the community.
Housewives have value, even if our economy isn’t structured to see it.” CimoreneQueen
6. AITJ For Begging My Mom To Let Me Attend Her Wedding?
“My mom is my hero. She hasn’t lived a good life but even though she had me young she’s always been there for me. She does everything for me. She sacrificed a lot to get me into private school, to ensure she could pay for my university, and most of all I like to think she raised me to be a good person.
For instance, when I was 16, I opened my mom’s phone to play Candy Crush just as a naughty text came from her ‘best friend’ Jennifer. When I asked it led to my mom coming out to me as a lesbian and it was really hard for me cause I didn’t understand it as I’d only ever seen her with guys but she got me through it.
She made sure I didn’t turn into a stupid bigot like some of my then friends. Everything good about me is because of how she raised me.
I’m in my third year of engineering, I’m engaged to a great girl and my mom will marry Jennifer in July.
Thing is, I’m taking a course that’s only offered in Summer and labs are absolutely mandatory. The professor is super strict and if you miss one, you’re out and you must do it on the scheduled day. Missing this lab would put me back a year cause it’s a prerequisite for other classes.
My mom’s wedding is on the day of a lab in July. It’s on that day because Jennifer’s late parents married on that day and they’re going to Alaska for it cause that’s where Jennifer’s grandma lives and she wants them married there.
I phoned my mom about it yesterday and she just said ‘well, that’s too bad but you have to go to the lab’. I pointed out I could try and find a way to skip the lab and not fail, try and work something out with the professor or the lab TA, but she just didn’t listen.
So I ended up begging her to let me go and she just told me that I need to be there for my lab and that I’m her world and that passing all my classes so I can become an engineer and have a good life is a million times more important to her than her own wedding.
I get it, I’m her son, no crap, I’m the most important thing in her life, but darn it I want to be there for her. I want to see my mom marry the woman she loves, I want to see her happy for herself, I want to hug her when she’s finally married and I don’t want to be the guy who missed his mom’s wedding.
I know it’s selfish and Jennifer’s niece (we’re best friends) told me that the way I was begging had my mom really stressed and I shouldn’t have begged. I don’t want to cause her stress, so was I a jerk in this scenario?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… but you would be the jerk if you continue to pressure and beg.
Try to approach your professor in person and see if anything can be arranged. Can you do the lab early? Can you join another class lab that is a day before/after?
Have a list of compromises or suggestions; I.e. enter the conversation pre-armed with possible resolutions to the problem. Try to calmly explain to your professor how important it is that you not miss this event in your mother’s life.
(Don’t beg)
If he is willing to work out a compromise, get this in email, btw because ALWAYS cover your butt… Then re-approach your mother with this proof and see if you can revisit the subject of your attendance.
If he says no… I am so sorry. The guy’s a jerk but you should probably accept that decision and drop the subject with your mother. See if maybe you can arrange for a family member to FaceTime you during the ceremony?
I know it’s not the same but a possible compromise?
I’m pretty sure your mom doesn’t wanna have to pay for another year of school if it can be avoided.” Ygolohcysp_80
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everyone’s hearts are all in the right place.
It’s so refreshing to read about a group of people who are all genuinely kind and all looking out for each other.
I’m not sure where you’re located or how far Alaska is for you. Is their wedding location within driving distance or are we talking about a flight (which requires a lot more coordination)?
In my experience, the professors who were the most strict were simply trying to prevent students from barraging them with a million dumb excuses for why they didn’t do their work. But it’s pretty obvious you take your education seriously, I can’t imagine any professor would make a student miss a parent’s wedding.
If you show your prof and the TA the wedding invitation, they’ll know you’re not just making it up. Ask them if there are any extra assignments you can take on to make up for your absence. This will show them you’re serious, you take the course seriously, and you’re willing to go the extra mile.
However this works out, it’s obvious you’re a good, kind, generous, thoughtful soul, a hardworking person, and someone you and your mom should be proud of. Thank you for being awesome. I wish your mom and Jennifer a lifetime of joy, laughter, and love.” xtingu
Another User Comments:
“My heart hurts! NTJ. Your professor should absolutely allow you to complete the lab early, but if they won’t recognize the importance of you being at your mother’s wedding… I think your mom should talk to Jennifer about changing either the date or the location of the wedding.
Before everyone calls me out because ‘It’s their day! It’s not about you!’ Nope. Screw that. Kids matter. You might be in college, but you’re still her child and you two are obviously very close.
You and your mom have been a team.
It’s been the two of you looking out for and protecting and supporting each other. That’s significant. You accepted your mom and Jennifer’s relationship which is pretty great. If it were my mom who kept that from me, I wouldn’t have any trouble accepting her orientation but I would feel sad that she kept something so significant from me.
Understanding the circumstances doesn’t eliminate any hurt. You’re obviously emotionally mature and understanding. Anyway… Jennifer is the addition to the team that is you and your mom. The way they’ve planned their wedding has ensured that you will feel excluded and unimportant on what should be a very special day for your mom and her soon-to-be wife.
You’re trying very hard ‘not to rock the boat’ but I think this is something that matters enough to speak up.
My main logic… The wedding is happening on one of the few days you can’t attend because it’s what Jennifer wants. The wedding is being held in a location that makes it impossible for you to attend on that particular day because it’s what Jennifer wants.
Why can’t their wedding anniversary differ from Jennifer’s parents? Why does her desire to feel connected to them outweigh your desire to feel connected to your mom? Why is having Jennifer’s grandmother there more important than your mother having her son there?
Possible compromises:
-
Your mom and Jennifer marry closer to you so you can attend your lab and their wedding on that particular day.
-
Your mom and Jennifer marry in Alaska with her grandmother and you present on a different day where everyone can be together.
They could get married on the same day of a different month? Or a day after her parent’s anniversary! That way she can still honor them without excluding you or hurting your mother’s relationship with her son.
That’s very kind of you to try to make your mother happy even if it hurts you… but I think this isn’t just about your mom’s feelings.
Yours matter too. With the amount of turmoil you seem to be experiencing… I doubt this is something that won’t hurt going forward. Why is a matching anniversary date worth stressing the relationship between you and your mom? Why is giving everything to Jennifer worth hurting your feelings?
She’s an adult and in a sense, she’s marrying into the family that is you and your mom. Blending requires compromise and the consideration of everyone’s feelings and needs. Not just Jennifer’s.
You don’t have to make demands to let your mom know how important this is to you.
Present the possible compromises. Tell her that ultimately it’s a choice for her and Jennifer to make. But emphasize that you would like to be there with and for your mom.” kittensandcookies
I don't know how college works so I won't make suggestions on speaking with the professor. Take care, young man.
5. AITJ For Telling My Sister Not To Be Surprised If She Loses Both Her Kids?
“Though I (40F) am child-free by choice, I am very close with my sister, Betty (37F), and nephew Blake. (15M) The trouble started happening after Blake came out to the family as transgender (he was deemed female at birth.) I have been fully supportive of my nephew.
Unfortunately, Betty has not been taking it well at all. She kept saying in the beginning that Blake was just going through a ‘tomboy phase’ and then started saying that Blake was only ‘acting this way for attention.’
Betty refuses to acknowledge Blake by his chosen name and always misgenders him.
Whenever I was over at their house and I saw this happen, I would politely correct Betty. When Betty would criticize Blake for his fashion, I would stand up for him. It would frequently escalate into a verbal fight until she demanded I leave.
Or until she left with Blake if we were at my house/in a public place together. I’ve suggested she read articles and consider therapy, but she refuses to even try.
Blake and I have managed to regularly keep in contact through text/phone calls.
Blake called me and asked if he could stay with me. He said he couldn’t handle living with Betty and he was having depression/anxiety to the point of struggling in school.
I, of course, agreed. I live in a 2-bedroom condo and had been using the 2nd bedroom for art supply storage.
Luckily, I was able to store the supplies at work and helped Blake to pack his things. Betty kept telling me I was making a mistake and kept asking Blake ‘when are you coming home?’ No apology for her behavior, not even saying Blake’s name.
That was a month ago and things are going great in my household. Blake has been much happier/more open. His teachers have informed me that there has already been a significant improvement in his demeanor/classroom focus. Betty has tried calling Blake, but Blake has explained that he doesn’t want to talk to his mother unless she starts to respect him.
Yesterday, Betty asked for us to get coffee while Blake was in school. Betty told me how I needed to convince Blake to ‘come back home’ and how she misses ‘her’ and the only reason I let Blake move in was to keep Blake’s favor.
We ended up getting into an argument, with Betty still insisting that Blake was just ‘doing this for attention.’ I had enough and told Betty to not be surprised when Blake never talks to her again. She can either accept her son or lose both of them.
Betty had another son, Mateo, who passed away when he was 6 months old, which left Betty absolutely devastated. Blake was 3 and too young to remember Mateo. Betty never told him about Mateo. Betty immediately left and my parents called me later to tell me I went too far with what I said.
(I’m not even sure they’re aware of the concept of being transgender.) I realize it was cruel to say knowing that losing Mateo still hurts her today, but I also believe it was a wake-up call that Betty needs.
Did I mess up here?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I’m not saying you suck equally – far from it. Betty is engaged in deliberate and ongoing cruelty to her son, whereas you made one cruel remark in the heat of the moment.
But even so, bringing up Mateo’s death the way you did was harsh and unjustified. (It might have been a fair thing to say if Mateo had died because his mother was horrible to him for being trans the way she’s been horrible to Blake, but given that he died at 6 months old that’s obviously not the case).
Betty’s behavior is clearly the far bigger wrong in this whole situation, but two wrongs don’t make a right, and a greater wrong doesn’t negate a lesser wrong.” No_Reason1780
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Good on you for stepping up for your nephew.
He definitely needs someone on his side. But also – have some sympathy for Betty. It might be hard for her to accept Blake as that would mean accepting the loss of her daughter as well as her baby boy.
Not justifying her actions AT ALL. As I am trans as well and was once in a very similar situation to Blake’s (though not as severe). My mom gave birth to stillborn twins when I was 6. She and I only got back on good terms once she finally let me know that accepting me meant she had to accept her daughter was gone too (I am FTM as well) and wasn’t ready to mourn three children.
Transitioning was difficult for me but until then I had never considered how it was for my mom, she was losing her daughter. I always just demanded her support without thinking of what it meant for her. We worked it out and have a great relationship now.
Keep strong. I hope it gets better and Betty and Blake can work it out.” Weak_Bet_1813
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Betty is obviously an awful mother to Blake, and it is very likely he will cut contact when he’s old enough.
You’re a great aunt for accepting him and taking him in.
But your comment was incredibly cruel and didn’t really make sense in context. ‘You’ll lose both your sons’? She already lost Mateo. Blake choosing to cut contact would not be the same thing.
If you were trying to insinuate that Blake will die because of his mother’s actions, that’s not only cruel but doesn’t ‘drive home the point’. If she doesn’t accept that he is trans, she won’t accept the statistics. Your comment probably wasn’t clear to her, other than to rub Mateo in her face.
Also, Blake is 15. He’s a minor. If Betty is ticked off at you, she can start legal action against him living with you because she is Blake’s mother. You might win if he’s asked where he wants to live (depends on what state/country you live in), but it’d make things a lot more difficult for Blake.” Usrname52
4. AITJ For Telling My Brother-In-Law Not To Come To My Bar If They Don't Tip?
“My in-law (27m) is a nice enough person in general but I wouldn’t choose to hang out with them if we weren’t related. We just don’t have a lot of common interests. But I married into the family and he isn’t a bad or toxic person so I’m nice and cordial.
I work at a bar on the weekends. I work Mon-Fri full time at my primary job. He likes to come visit me at the bar I work at when I’m working and he never tips. He is pretty stingy when it comes to tipping in general but he especially never tips when he comes to my bar when I’m working.
I’m in the US so hourly pay is super low. I’m a believer that tips are earned and not expected plus it isn’t my main form of income. But I do tip share, so I and the other bartender(s) split tips.
And it is their main form of income. I’m never the only one who serves him. I’ve casually given my brother-in-law crap that it’s rude to not tip bc the service is always good, better because people know he is my brother-in-law.
But I’ve never straight up said, you need to start tipping. He always brushes it off like whatever. Honestly, I don’t like when he comes up bc I feel obligated to give him extra attention but he isn’t my friend nor do they tip and I’m at work.
He will give me crap if I don’t give him extra attention when I’m at work.
They asked if I was working this weekend and I am. This weekend I’m working at the bar for a fundraiser.
One of my co-workers got hit by an intoxicated driver who fled the scene so the co-worker is on the hook for medical bills. I’m donating my tips to the fundraiser. Would I be a jerk if I said, I’m working but I don’t want you to come unless you are going to tip?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The first thing to do is to talk to your spouse to see what they think you should do. My recommendation would be to have a conversation with BIL about how it makes you and your coworkers feel when people don’t tip and explain that you are tip sharing and you don’t feel like you are pulling your weight when you spend extra time taking care of your family that doesn’t contribute to the group’s tips.
Don’t ask him to tip. Just ask him to support you by not coming in when you are working so you have more opportunities to earn money for the group by giving attention to others.
If that doesn’t work then I would stop being nice and cordial at family get-togethers.
When BIL asks why, inform him that since he isn’t a customer right then he is getting the treatment he actually deserves for a change.” yo2sense
Another User Comments:
“As a fellow American… Dude needs to tip and you are definitely NTJ.
Waitstaff and Bartenders tend to make less than minimum wage, but get TAXED at minimum wage rates because the government assumes they are being tipped (usually unreported). It’s total nonsense but it is pretty common knowledge here in the states.
I think the benefit is a great way to start a serious conversation with In-Law. Let him know that this is for charity and that you need him to tip so you don’t look like you are allowing family to take advantage of the charity event (tell him it’s an optics thing) and then let him know that since you tip-share, it’s kind of an optics thing all the time and that you would really appreciate if he would start offering up a small tip when he comes into your establishment.” Not-Creative-0921
3. AITJ For Denying My Mom From Seeing Our Child On The Day He Was Born?
“So my wife is in the final stages of pregnancy and we’re expecting our first child almost any day now.
Unfortunately, even though most restrictions have been lifted there are still some that apply. In the maternity ward, the rule is that you can only have 2 a day visitors to come see the baby. Obviously, a bunch of family will be excited to come see and we need to figure out who will come when.
Now, my mother has been driving my wife for a large portion of the pregnancy so she doesn’t have to deal with public transport. The other day in the car the question of who would come see the baby when came up.
My mom went on one of her long rants about how it’s important for her to come see the baby right away because newborns have this look of bewildered amazement and she had a long and difficult labor with me.
Seeing me with the newborn baby moments after birth would complete the circle and she would love to see this newborn ‘look’. So she basically left my wife in an awkward position where she couldn’t really say no, so she just sort of said we’d have a look at what was possible.
My wife is from a different country than I am and her parents are flying all the way from across the Atlantic the week before the baby is due. Obviously, she’d prefer to first see her parents after labor and I entirely agree that this seems most fair.
She’s the one doing all the hard work giving birth and it’s her parents that are making the effort of coming all the way here. They will also be the ones that only see their grandchild a few times a year.
My parents will be looking after the baby most of the time when we are back at work. So when I heard about this I got annoyed at my mom and texted her saying she can’t just demand to be the first one to come see the child.
I explained that it’s the hospital rules and we can’t really do anything about it. It seems fairest to me that the parents of the mother get a little priority here and she’ll just have to come on the 2nd day.
My mom seems to think it is absolutely ridiculous and she and my wife’s mother should clearly be the first to see the baby (I’m guessing this means the grandpas would then both come the next day?) Not being able to see my face right after birth would be taking something away from her.
Personally, I really don’t understand what the big deal is in waiting for day 2 to come see the baby and I see nothing wrong with going with what my wife wants here.
I feel like this is the beginning of the grandparent wars.
My mom sees this as my in-laws being selfish and wanting to take day 1 all for themselves. In reality, my wife’s parents asked what we wanted and said they’d be happy with whatever. My mom on the other hand never even bothered to ask if we even wanted her to be there.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“If (and only if!) your wife is comfortable with it, would your mom be happy with photos/videos? I know I’m definitely being optimistic here, but since I’m not familiar with your mom I’m not going to immediately assume she’s awful.
If she genuinely just wants to see the look on the newborn baby’s face, and the full circle moment with you, a video could accomplish that. Again, only if your wife isn’t uncomfortable with it, but you seem to have her best interests at heart.
My husband and I both have a million siblings + a lot of family overseas, and cellphone vids were an absolute godsend lol. But no one on either side for us was insisting to be there if we didn’t want company so that obviously made things more tenable.
Otherwise, just keep having your wife’s back. It’s really nice to see!
NTJ, congrats on the baby!” DiscoAgent13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 100%.
Your baby is not a museum artifact. No one gets to claim first dibs on who gets to see them first.
That decision is entirely down to you and your wife.
If it was me, no one but me and my fiancé would be seeing the baby until we were settled at home and I, as the person who had just given birth, felt up to having visitors.
When I was ready I would allow both sets of grandparents to visit at the same time if there was a similar issue.
If your mother was driving your wife around in the hope she ‘earned’ entitlement, you need to explain to her that is never how it should work.
It’s not a business deal. If she wasn’t doing that for her/you purely out of the goodness of her heart without the thought of being rewarded by getting to see her grandchild first, she should not have been doing it.
You and her wife owe her nothing but a sincere thank you for that.
She needs to put her own wants second and consider the welfare of her daughter-in-law and grandchild.
Stick to your guns here, put the boundaries in place now because this could lead to further entitlement issues from her in the future but based on this I think you’re a fantastic husband and will be a fantastic dad too.
You’re probably a great son too, just one willing to not take crap. Well done.” wooden_werewolf_7367
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Because it’s ultimately up to the person birthing a whole human infant, and your mother has already decided in her head without asking about it.
You don’t go on a long rant insisting you be allowed to see the baby first.
You ask. Then, you respect the answer you are given. No matter how important this is to her, this is not her baby and she is not the one birthing it.
Your wife is, so it’s her call. Pressuring her, claiming it’s anyone else’s decision, and demanding things all make your mom the jerk.
Also, I’ve been around a newborn that did not have a look of wonder until a week out from birth.
He had the look of Yoda more than anything. So that magical newborn moment is not guaranteed at all.
That said… I’d lay off by using ‘my in-laws are putting in so much effort to see the baby’ as an excuse.
They’re not. They’re getting on a plane, visiting, and then leaving. Your mother is dedicating a ton of time and energy to driving your pregnant wife around and will, you hope, dedicate even more to watching the baby in the future.
Stick to your guns, but make an effort to recognize the work your mom is putting in to support you both.” Massive-Emergency-42
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
If your mom is literally doing so much for you two (lol ‘she doesn’t have to’—k dude) she deserves some acknowledgment.
If you’re going to put up boundaries, then do it, but it’s rude to use her free labor both before & after the baby is born and then crap on her so hard.
And idk if her ‘rant’ was just her excitement to share that story or a real rant.
There are compromises to be had! Grandmothers visit day 1, grandfathers day 2. Her parents day 1, yours day 2. Her parents day 1, your mom meets you when you come home from the hospital (if you get released quickly).
I usually don’t say this kind of thing but if you’re all about the baby being introduced the day it’s born, you need to think about other people too.
Not in a crazy way but in a way that’s better than ‘you live here and do all our crap for us, so you need to wait so wife’s parents get to see the baby exclusively first.'” the_orig_princess
2. AITJ For Banning My Twins From Attending Their Prom?
“I am a single, 49-year-old man with adopted 18-year-old twins, a boy and a girl, who are both graduating from high school next week. I have autism spectrum disorder and also suffer from complex PTSD, the latter of which stems from severe bullying when I was in high school.
Right now, I’m dealing with a huge conflict with both my children. The truth is that last week, I made the decision to ban the two of them from attending their Senior Prom.
I know this sounds stupid, but Prom season triggers my c-PTSD.
This is because when I went to my senior prom back in 1991, I was dragged to the back parking lot by some bullies and severely injured. I’ve had nightmares about being jumped and otherwise bullied my whole life since the incident, and sometimes hearing the word ‘prom’ triggers flashbacks.
On Wednesday of last week, I overheard my daughter talking about her Prom plans, my son also planned on going with friends. But I intercepted her phone call and told her ‘you’re not going’ and that she and her brother were going to be ‘grounded’ in their room Friday night.
Not a full grounding as they’ll be allowed to use their smart devices, but locked in their room for the night.
Fast-forward to Friday night, and I followed through with what I said. But I overheard my daughter bawling, it honestly broke my heart.
I told her that she and her brother couldn’t attend because I feared for their safety. She refused to talk to me for several days until she exclaimed ‘screw you!’ towards me two days ago. My son is also angry with me and says that I’m self-centered. He may be right, but I reminded him of my c-PTSD and the severity behind it.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Had you talked it out with your children and negotiated some form of compromise to allow them to attend prom and for you to feel safer this could have gone very differently. The irony is that while you acted to protect your children from what you experienced at prom, the end result is you actually became the reason they will forever have a negative association with prom.
I’d suggest apologizing deeply and if you feel unable to both explain your thoughts process AND listen and understand their feelings then contacting a family counselor to facilitate this would be a good move.
Also, INFO: when you say locked in their rooms do you literally mean you locked them in so they physically couldn’t leave?
Detaining someone in such a way is not only a physical safety hazard but can induce severe panic and anxiety. I’m hoping this was just a turn of phrase and they were free to leave their rooms.” estrellafish
Another User Comments:
“YTJ—Part of being a parent is letting go. You can’t protect them from everything or even a lot at their age.
Your children, at this point, don’t care about the issues you have because you have weaponized those issues against them.
You robbed them of social experiences they were looking forward to. You made their prom about yourself. How dare you!
Apparently, you didn’t have a calm conversation with them about how scared you would’ve been for their safety and compromised on some sort of plan.
Perhaps they would’ve agreed to text you every hour to let you know they were fine and use a ‘safe word’ so you know they’re the ones sending the texts. Perhaps they would’ve agreed to you sitting in your car or being someplace close to the venue in case something happened. You could’ve established an agreed-upon word or phrase they could text you or say to you on a call to let you know they needed help.
Perhaps they would’ve agreed to ‘have each other’s backs’ during prom. There were so many ways to approach this and your triggered issues, but you chose the nuclear option.
They’ll be leaving your home soon. Don’t be surprised if they each go LC or NC.” CasperGGD
1. AITJ For Calling Out My Friend For Being A Hypocrite?
“I (25F) live with 2 girls (27F, 26F), let’s say their names are Jess (27F) and Mary (26F). Between them they are friends and close, they go out a lot, I used to but eventually, I just got tired of the whole partying thing and tbh Jess is quite prejudiced, etc, so she is not someone I consider my friend anymore.
2 days ago a friend that we have in common had a birthday party, it was at a bar, not a club or anything so it was casual basically. I wore jeans, a top, and boots and that is how most people were dressed. Jess on the other side wore a very short and tight black dress with high stiletto heels.
I could not care less about how she dresses.
Now the problem, a girl showed up to the party, she was wearing a very short skirt. Jess started to make fun of her and how she was not dressed according to the place.
I was like huh in my mind because really? But I didn’t want to say anything until she started to say how she was probably poor and looking to find a man at the party, so I said ‘Really? Your dress shows more than what she is wearing, we are not in high school, you’re 27 stop acting like you’re Regina George.’ Everyone got so quiet and I left afterward.
This isn’t the first time I have heard her make comments like that about other women, shaming, etc., so I had enough.
They are both ignoring me like the plague and our friends said that I crossed the line. I told them she is like that because they keep enabling it and I was done but idk maybe I could have said it differently and I ended up doing the same thing I was judging.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She sounds extremely toxic. I’m also all in that people can dress however they feel comfortable (as long as it’s nothing inappropriate like a shirt with racist slurs). What is not okay though is her shaming other women.
Women are already suffering enough in this society, and women most of all know how terrible it is if we are being talked down for our appearances, I just don’t understand this terrible behavior.
Hope you can get out of that flatshare ASAP!” TigerDRena
Another User Comments:
“ESH
You are the jerk because your opinion was uncalled for precisely how Jess’ opinion on the other was uncalled for. So ESH.
Don’t stoop to the level of someone who you think is behaving like a jerk.” CapitalBoss45
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2. Screen shot and save
3. If there was restraining order and step daughter knew then take evidence to police.
4. In texts how much was her being spiteful and how much was she being manipulated? Wife needs to read texts.
5. IF you choose to stay with wife then everyone needs family counseling. I'd insist on going to domestic abuse center and let people tell her their stories. See the consequences up close.
6. If your wife pays for cell phone give it back. Hit factory reset first.
If you pay for cell phone trade it in on a model that you control. Limited options.
Either way I would install some spy ware on it.
7. If step daughter has any savings or college fund she needs to pay for daughter to move. Get a job and help pay. Wife should kick in money too. Your daughter needs to move to be save, step daughter took that from her and needs to make it right
8. You wife if protecting her daughter over a cell phone. She needs to understand you are protecting your daughters life. Does she not want your daughter to be safe? Explain that you would also protect her daughter from any threats.