People Feel Regretful About Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
20. AITJ For Refusing To Do My Cousin Any Favor?
“Over a year ago, my father brought over a cousin, Diana from Haiti. She had been living there for about 20 years, unbeknownst to us, and my father decided to bring her over to attend school since the political and economic state of the country was in shambles.
From the very beginning of her arrival, she has caused mental and physical stress to the other residents (other than my father) of the household for a plethora of reasons.
We live in a starter home that is not very big, it only has 3 rooms. One for me, Giselle, my sister, and one for my parents.
With her arrival, Giselle was forcefully removed from her room in order to house Diana, and to this day Giselle sleeps on an air mattress in the living room.
I voiced my displeasure with this to my parents, which fell on deaf ears, saying that it’s Giselle’s responsibility to give said room up as it will better socialize her.
I call nonsense, I’m made to be the bad guy. Awesome.
Over time, she began to break a lot of the rules that Giselle and I would be thoroughly reprimanded for when we were younger and would be reprimanded for now if we started back up.
Leaving mountains of dirty dishes (she cooks a lot), snack wrappers, and trash all over the floors, turning the bathroom into a complete mess and not cleaning after herself, etc. She even put a giant hole in the wall of Giselle’s former room, and to this day we have 0 clue why she did this.
Again I voiced my displeasure, and again, I’m made out to be the bad guy.
Within this, you’d begin to think that it’s supposed to be my parents I should be directing my anger to, which I am, but Diana understands this dynamic and uses it to her advantage.
My mother eventually got tired of hearing my nagging, and gave her verbal warnings on multiple occasions about her behavior, to which she acknowledged, and then doubled down on her antics.
Diana herself is plus-sized and has a high tendency to eat other people’s food without asking or prompting others.
When I complained about this, I was met with ‘Oh well when you were 15 years old, you used to empty the fridge!’ I’m 23. I stopped doing that the instant they began to complain about it to me.
A couple of weeks ago, I found out that she was using one of my favorite t-shirts as a wet rag to wipe the floor after she finished showering.
I voiced my displeasure, and again I was ignored.
So in turn, I began to ignore her entirely. Diana asks for a ride somewhere. I say no. She asks for a favor. I say no. I don’t acknowledge her presence in the household. I purposefully treat her as if she is a ghost. And then my parents tell me ‘Mac, you’re such a jerk.’
As someone who has to pay monthly to live in said household, I’d appreciate some normalcy.
So with all this in mind, do you agree with them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She sounds super disrespectful. Your parents are jerks for doing that to you guys and then blaming you for being upset about what is being done to you guys.
Also, why would you give her rides? Why would you do favors for her? Tell you what, next time she asks for a ride, ask her to do the dishes first, pick up the trash, or wash your shirt she used as a floor mat.
Petty, maybe. Mean, not really because those are basic family chores and her own messes.
Maybe she can make the connection between the two when you associate them together, and it can help to show her why the answer will always be NO.
For the record, I get there can be a culture shock, but guest manners and even family chores and respect are universal – this does not sound like culture shock.
It sounds like her trying to assert her dominance, and getting it. I hope you can afford to move out and your sister can go too.
Also, maybe buy your own bowls, cups, and silverware and see how long the rest of the family can put up with the dirty dishes.
If they say anything, you can prove none of them are yours. This is something I actually personally did as a teenager to remove myself from arguments over dishes.” More-Diet3566
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When someone pays rent, they pay for more than just the space – they pay for acceptable conditions within the space they occupy & use.
Any improper use/violation of your personal property within the spaces you occupy & use is unacceptable. If your personal property is being consumed/improperly used/violated by someone else, that is an obvious violation of the safe space that your rent should be affording you.
She’s a disrespectful nasty jerk to be sure. But your parents are even bigger jerks for placing her above their actual children – you & your sister.
As your parents, their first priority should be you & your sister as their actual children. As your landlords, their second priority should be you as their paying tenant.
If they want to make her their third priority, that’s their stupidity. They’re jerks for making her their first priority. They’re jerks for making her their second priority. They’re jerks for making her their third priority. They’re jerks for placing no priority on you & your sister.
How pitiful.
Just a thought – are you sure she’s a cousin? She seems WAY more entitled than a simple cousin would be while living in someone else’s home. She had been living in another country for 20 years & y’all never knew until your dad just brought her home & moved her in.
And not only did he move her in – he basically evicted his youngest minor child from her bedroom so that this ‘cousin’ could have her own private bedroom to herself rather than sharing your sister’s space with her. That doesn’t scream ‘cousin’ to me.
That screams ‘daddy’s side-piece’ that he did everything to have at his disposal. ” MyHairs0nFire2023
19. AITJ For Snapping At My Fiance For Being Jealous About The Time I've Been Spending With My Brother?
“I (24 f) have/had two brothers — a twin and an older one (26). We’ve been really really close since childhood. Brothers doted on me a lot and I clung to them like a little sister.
We were best friends. Then, when we were 12/14 our parents got into an accident and passed away, and we were sent to live with our Aunt/Uncle. We could tell that they didn’t really want us, but since we didn’t really have any other family, they took us in so we wouldn’t be in the system.
So we spent most of our teenage years being ignored and relied on each other for emotional support.
As the years went on, things became a little more manageable. We were able to function more. We were still close, but life started happening. We got jobs and all went to college, and that’s where I met my fiancé.
When it came time to introduce my then-partner to my brothers, they all got along well. And now that we’re (were) engaged and living together, things were still going well. But then, a few months ago, my older brother got in an accident. An irresponsible driver.
A few days after it happened I just wanted to be by my twin. I couldn’t stop crying. I was paranoid that something might happen to him too. Whenever I’d come home I noticed my fiance growing distant from me. He was there when I needed to talk to him, but he wasn’t the same.
I tried to ask him, but he would just dismiss it, and I barely had the energy to even get through the day at that point.
Things were just starting to calm down. Then a few days ago after coming home from lunch with my brother, he snapped at me.
He told me that I was acting like I didn’t care about him anymore. That I care more about my brother than our relationship. I don’t see that. I’m there with him every night. We live together. I make sure some kind of dinner is made when he comes home from work every night.
He asked me, ‘Why couldn’t you cry to me instead?’ Or ‘Why couldn’t you ask how I was doing?’ I thought that since that was OUR older brother, twin could truly understand some things he couldn’t, and I didn’t want to burden him too much.
We both said some hurtful things and out of nowhere, he asked if I would feel the same way if something bad happened to him. In the heat of the moment, I said, ‘I would be devastated, but not as much as if ‘twin’ died!’ His face went white.
I regretted saying it, but things were so heated, and I felt like he wasn’t even trying to understand me. Why would he even ask me a question like that? That was our older brother who died. I can’t fathom handling any more of my family dying.
I said something horrible, but why did he become so cold? It’s been about two days since this happened, and after getting some outside perspective, I wanted to see if maybe we could at least talk it out, regardless of how I’m feeling, but all he can focus on is what I said.
And to be honest, considering some of the hurtful things he said to me, I can’t say anymore that I regret saying it.”
Another User Comments:
“A soft ‘everyone sucks here’. Think about this from your fiancé’s perspective. You had a terrible experience, and he wants to comfort and be there for you, but you shut him out and treat him like a chore to be maintained. Live with him so you sleep there at night, and have dinner on the table, yes, these are good things, but YOU’RE SHUTTING HIM OUT.
You say it’s for fear of being a burden, but that’s what partners are FOR, to share the good and the bad. That he pressed you so hard until you both snapped isn’t a good thing, either.
Unless this is typical for him, though, I can believe it’s the fear that he’s losing you, or that he just wasn’t that important to you in the first place and now it shows when you’re under stress.
I think you both could use some therapy: you to help with your loss, and both of you together to learn to communicate better with each other, especially when in stressful situations.” quats555
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I think there are two things here that are true at once.
He hasn’t handled this in the best way and could have given you more time before bringing these things up, but at the same time, he may have been shocked to discover that when it comes to the crunch you are not partners who turn to each other and that the reality of your relationship isn’t what he thought it was.
I do think he should have prioritized you more in your grief, being more compassionate and putting himself aside until you had recovered, but I also think that it may have finally gotten through to him with the worst timing that you may never cleave to each other as being each other’s primary family before all others and that he may be the eternal outsider – that this gap will become more intense when you need someone to turn to and not less.
That yours is a shallower, more fair-weather relationship than he wants and needs.
Maybe you are both right in your own ways. He is not the one for you when it comes to feeling the true closeness of the primary family group – if anyone could be more than your twin (and I don’t mean that in any sort of prurient way) – and he needs to find someone who genuinely wants to turn to him and not away from him when the going gets tough.
This may end up being a horrible litmus test that has shown the both of you that things aren’t meant to be.” kurokomainu
18. AITJ For Making A Toast For My Other Daughter As Well?
“My wife (F 44) and I (M 45) have twin daughters (F 16). For the sake of clarity, I’ll call them Ava and Isabel.
The girls have a good relationship, but when it comes to academics and extra-curriculars, they’re wildly different.
Ava is an A+ student, with a strong GPA, is involved in student theatre, is a competitive swimmer, and runs track. We’re very proud of Ava and know she’ll have her choice of college.
Isabel, on the other hand, is probably your more ‘average’ student.
She has a 2.9 GPA and her extra-curricular involvement is more limited. She enjoys singing and takes lessons but doesn’t do anything much more outside of that. My wife and I have encouraged Isabel to do more if she can, but she seems happy, and it never appears that she’s in the shadow of her sister.
Recently, Ava got 100% on a major piece of coursework that will look great for college applications. I know how proud she was and how proud my wife was, and we all had a meal with different members of the family to celebrate.
We raised a toast for Ava during the meal, and I could tell how happy she was.
After this was completed, I decided to make a toast to Isabel. I said how hard she was working and that we knew she’d go on to the college she dreamed of and we were just as proud. Isabel seemed happy, and I didn’t think there was any issue.
When we got home, Ava was really annoyed at me. When I asked why, she said I’d tried to invalidate her achievements and try to make Isabel share the spotlight when she hadn’t done anything to deserve it. I told her this was unfair, and I just didn’t want Isabel to feel excluded or less valued if we were always celebrating Ava’s achievements.
Ava replied that this was a ‘lame excuse’ and that if Isabel wanted to be celebrated, she should put in the effort levels she does.
I ended the conversation and when I spoke with my wife later, she agreed with Ava, saying that Ava deserves to be celebrated in her own way without feeling like she’s ‘one person’ with Isabel.
I just thought I was trying to make Isabel know she’s recognised but now I’m thinking it was the wrong move. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Good intentions, poor execution. Ava is right. You were gathered to celebrate her achievement, and you decided to try and celebrate mediocrity along with it.
They are two separate people and should have their own moments that are specifically theirs. You can celebrate Isabel when she does something worth celebrating. Don’t try and piggyback her into Ava’s time to shine. You weren’t ‘celebrating equally’. You were lowering the bar of what should be celebrated so Isabel could be included. What the two girls have achieved is not equal, and as such should not both be celebrated equally.
YTJ.” BulbasaurRanch
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Ava deserves to be celebrated for her own achievements. So does Isabel but what you’re doing is piggybacking off Ava to make Isabel feel good. Ava deserves recognition for her efforts. If this means she gets celebrated more so what – she’s clearly putting in way more effort than Isabel.
Your behavior undermines Ava and makes it seem like you are not truly proud of her hard work. You celebrated Isabel for nothing specific off Ava’s perfect score – so the message to Ava is that her perfect score meant nothing to you. You’re literally telling your daughter you’re proud of Isabel for being ‘average’ and not proud of Ava for achieving perfection.
If neither kid has special needs, it turns on attitude and ambition.
Nothing is wrong with Isabel but doesn’t Ava deserve her own special moments for the extra she puts in? You’re giving Isabel a participant trophy and making it seem like it’s the same as winning.
It’s not. You may not agree with my perspective but what you are doing (whether or not you intend it) is showing Ava that you do not value her whilst deliberately showing Isabel and Ava that you do value Isabel. I urge you to think through your instinct to validate Isabel in moments of Ava’s achievements.” RLS2023
17. AITJ For Wanting To Accept A Job Offer Overseas?
“I (39 f) travel a lot for my job. I’m not married or have any kids, so this has never been an issue. The problem is with my mom (64 f). My mom is a single parent. I never met my father because he bolted, so Mom raised me alone.
Because of this, she’s always been extremely protective of me. I could understand it since she didn’t have siblings and her parents weren’t really in her life, so I was basically all she had. But sometimes she could be too overbearing and it made things strained between us for a while.
She never wanted me to leave home, encouraging me to find a college and job as close to her as possible, but I didn’t do that. She would call me multiple times a day every day when I wasn’t home and wouldn’t let me leave her side when I came to visit.
It all got to be too much and I insisted she gets some therapy for her attachment issues, but she insists she doesn’t have a problem and just doesn’t want to lose me. Since I started traveling more for work she’s only gotten worse. She demands I tell her exactly when I’m leaving, when I land, when I’m returning, and when I get home, plus calls and texts throughout the day to make sure I’m still alive.
It’s draining. But onto the main issue.
I recently got an offer to go overseas and work full-time in another country. It’ll be a ten-year contract and I won’t have to travel as much. Plus it comes with a huge pay raise. I’m honestly excited about it, but my mom was not so happy when I told her.
I took her out to a nice restaurant to tell her the news and celebrate, but instead of being happy for me she had a complete mental breakdown and started screaming that I was abandoning her just like my father and she’ll never see me again.
I tried to tell her I’d come back to visit but she wouldn’t listen.
She stormed out of the restaurant and didn’t talk to me for almost a week. Then she sent me a super long message that basically boils down to ‘If you love me you’ll turn down the job and stay here’.
I feel like I’m losing my mind. I want this job, but I don’t want to hurt my mom. I feel like I’m stuck. I only have until the end of the month to tell my boss if I accept or not so they can get all the paperwork done.
I could really use some advice. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“This is not a healthy parent-child relationship. By 39 (and actually, far earlier) you and your mother should have gone through a normal developmental stage of you being allowed to pull away from her and focus more on friends, etc. This ‘separation’ continues and is normal and healthy, and most people go through this.
Eventually, they develop a healthy and ‘normal’ relationship and boundaries with their parent(s).
Your mother has clearly, for the reasons you’ve explained, prevented this from happening. You sound like a good (dutiful, caring…) daughter. But your desire to have your own identity and life and experiences is not unreasonable!
In fact, it sounds like a good idea. Please focus on yourself and what YOU want to do. Your mother’s issues are HERS. And should be addressed. NTJ” tinyd71
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and I sympathize with you. I also sympathize with your mother, who has mental issues that she needs help with.
Crippling someone’s life isn’t love, it’s anxiety, perhaps, or co-dependency or some other form of unhealthy coping mechanism. Do try to persuade her to see someone about all of this.
Also, I’d emphasize to her that you love her and that you want her to come and visit your new location – in fact, be excited about the idea of showing her around and spoiling her.
Good luck, this is not an easy situation.” fruskydekke
16. WIBTJ If I Shut Down My Dad And Sister's AI Art Interest?
“My (25 F) dad (56 M) has been really excited about his AI projects. He’s been talking to me about his Patreon that he’s starting.
For those who don’t know, Patreon is a website for creators wherein they provide a monthly product or service. It has tiers and my dad is offering hi-res AI artwork. From what I’ve observed, he doesn’t have any patrons/subscribers yet. And it’s really not hard to guess why.
In a sea of creative people and influencers, I don’t see why someone would want to follow a channel or patreon generated with AI art. He also uses AI text-to-speech programs in his videos advertising it. I just want to be clear in that I have no problem with text-to-speech programs (literally the foundation of Vocaloid and other media I love) but I have a big issue with stolen vocals and the way AI is used in that process for those particular programs.
He showed me some more of his processes and lately, he and my sister (F 29) have been working on his Patreon. Today they enthusiastically showed me her Wattpad story they were making a cover of. They fed her face into the AI generator and it took part of that to make her cover.
It was a woman in an elven outfit standing under pillars and high fantasy architecture like LOTR. It looked really good, actually. But obviously, it does because it’s trained on existing high fantasy artwork. It’s going to look good if it’s not your work.
I don’t want to put a damper on their enthusiasm and shoot down things that make my dad happy but as both of us are digital and physical artists, this makes me incredibly sad.
I’m just baffled at how he finds this acceptable. This is very much a hot-button topic, especially for artists since it’s so close to home and I think he knows this, to some extent because he’s extremely careful with the language used in his videos.
I just feel like copyright laws haven’t caught up with us yet and I don’t feel like there are enough processes in place to protect creative work. With that being said, I can’t in good faith keep endorsing what he does. I don’t like it at all.
I can’t keep pretending that I like his work because I really don’t.
Would I be the jerk if I shot down his ideas and told him that I don’t like AI art?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Art is not a job like being a cashier is a job, and AI ‘art’ is not taking ‘being a cashier’ away from artists; it’s taking already rare gig opportunities away from cash-strapped artists, who could have supported themselves off the money gigs could have gotten them.
People who are capable of making should be able to make. Art is a journey that comes from someone doing the work to learn what looks good, and exploring why it feels like that. The AI thing just looks at which combinations of pixel colors showed up a lot in a lot of art, then based on prompts it tries to match you the pixel combos that showed up in keywords attached to the original art.
You ask for ‘Gremlin eating corn shaped like destiny’ and it will dig around all the stolen art it has access to with words like that and spit something out that looks art-shaped because it was trained on stolen art.
People have dreams; statistical profiles describing pixel tint and intensity relationships do not have dreams, and people using AI to ‘make art’ are not dreaming.
Your family is not making art, and their lack of customers comes directly from real people being creeped out by thefty dreamless pixel spam. Your family is free to type words into a little box, and thereby help make money for the TechDudeBros who are scamming us all, but your family sounds like they feel entitled to extract money from someone for their (meaningless) effort.
If they accuse you of being unsupportive, just buy them a box of pencils and a sketchbook and call it an investment in their art journey, I guess?” frostyfins
Another User Comments:
“If you don’t think you’re going to get through to your dad on the morality/ethics of why AI art is bad, then just give him some tough love that what he’s doing is basically akin to trying to sell google search results – anyone with half a brain can use AI themselves to generate the same thing.
No matter what you tell him, YWNBTJ unless you are deliberately cruel because anyone trying to make money off of AI-generated art doesn’t deserve it anyway, and frankly, he and your sister would only be taking advantage of rubes with even less knowledge of the internet than they have.” yitzike
15. AITJ For Being Angry At My Brother And His Partner For Planning To Give Me Back To My Mom?
“I (15 f) live with my brother because after my parents divorced none of them wanted me so my brother took me (he was 18 and I was 8).
We lived alone together until a year ago when he got a partner. She doesn’t live with us but she is at our apartment a lot. I don’t really like her but I already know he kind of has some resentment toward me because he had to take care of me even when my parents were still together and he couldn’t have a life cause he was always busy with me.
I think they want to get married and I’m scared about where I will go. My mom doesn’t live in the country (she went back to Korea after the divorce) and my dad is busy with his new family.
Anyway after school, I wanted to use my brother’s phone to watch something.
I saw a notification come up at the top and it was from my mom. I was really curious because I don’t talk to my mom like ever and I didn’t think he did either. Long story short, he wants to send me to live with my mom in Korea because Julie wants to move in and start a family.
She said that when they start their family they don’t want to be looking after a teenager as well.
I didn’t tell him anything and just put the phone back. I went to sleep really scared and now today I went to my cousin’s house and told him what my brother was planning to do and he told his mom.
I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m always nice to her. I don’t know why she doesn’t like me. I really don’t want to move. I have friends here and everything. I thought he loved me and wouldn’t make me go back to her.
My cousin’s mom ended up asking him why he was going to send me to live with my mom and he asked her how she knew. She said that I told my cousin and he told her. My brother took me back home because he didn’t want to cause a scene at my aunt’s house.
When we got back he asked me how I knew and I told him I saw his texts to our mom about how he was sending me away. I was really mad and I was yelling at him. He just tried to hug me and sat down on the couch with his head down, not talking.
Then like 10 minutes later Julie came. When she came into the living room she asked what happened and my brother said she knew. Then Julie tried to talk to me and I stood up and started yelling that I didn’t know why she had a problem with me but I’m his sister so I’m not leaving.
I also called her some names because I was really angry.
Then, to my surprise, my brother pushed my shoulder and told me to go to my room. I asked why and he yelled at me to go to my room. Julie was crying at this point.
I went to my room and cried. I still think he is going to send me away. I don’t know why she doesn’t like me. I didn’t do anything to her.
AITJ for yelling at my brother’s partner?
I told my friends about this and they said I shouldn’t have yelled because she probably has her reasons to want me with my mother.”
Another User Comments:
“OP, I’m going to start off by saying what your parents have done to you AND your brother isn’t okay. They abandoned you and him and have done what is called parentification. This means your brother was forced to be the parent.
It’s not okay at all. Your brother had to put his own life on hold because of you (at no fault of your own).
It is not your fault, but your brother needs to focus on his own life and your mother needs to start being a mother again.
Your brother and Julie aren’t doing anything wrong by wanting to move forward with their lives. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you and you are blaming Julie and using her as a scapegoat. Maybe your brother wants you gone. Maybe your mom does want you back.
The whole thing… it’s not okay.
You need to hear them out with what is going on. And you need to understand you’re 15 years old so a lot of stuff is going on in your mind and body that will make things ten times more dramatic and worse.
You didn’t hear them out and give them a chance. Your brother has had to give up his life to raise you for a number of years. This way of living is not sustainable in the long run for him and yeah it may be selfish but honestly to an extent I don’t blame your brother either.” starrynight764
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have had a lot of betrayal in your young life and here you have another. Your brother and his partner are not bad people for wanting to have a life without caring for a teenager, but the way they have gone about it is really horrible.
1) Go to your school counselor and talk to him/her about your situation. Your teachers also need to know that you are going through this difficult time. There may be special programs that you could apply for especially if you are a good student. There is one here in Texas where you actually live on campus at a state university for your junior and senior years.
You do not have the freedom of a college student and some kids say that it is more restrictive than being at home with your parents. However, it is really an amazing program for college-bound students. Your state may have something similar.
2) Talk to your aunt about the possibility of moving in with her.
You are only three years away from college. She might be willing to help out given the circumstances.
3) Let your friends know what’s going on. One of their parents may be willing to step up and help. A friend of mine took in her son’s friend for his senior year as the kid’s mother was moving out of the area and his father didn’t want him.
Sad situation, but the boy got to spend a year seeing what a loving family looked like. All the best to you sweet girl!” 1Preschoolteacher
Unfortunately you are caught in the crossfire. Can you live with your cousin? Or anyone else? You are not a jerk. You're a scared, lonely teen. Your brother isn't a jerk either. Your parents are the jerks.
14. AITJ For Kicking My Lazy Nephew Out Of My House?
“I’m #5 of 6 kids. Highly dysfunctional childhood. Decade+ of therapy. Boundaries are vital.
My sister #3 had kids young. To be honest, she was a horrible parent. Continued the cycle of dysfunction. I tried to be an extra awesome aunt. At least they had someone solid to go to.
I (55 f) had kids (18 f and 16 f) late. Single working mom.
Raise your pinky if you can understand. Because single moms are too exhausted to raise their hands.
Sister #3 passed away a year ago. I’d had a falling out with her middle son (39 m) about the same time. Drama. Dysfunctional people hate boundaries.
Long story short.
I recently found out he was homeless and living in his car. Family guilt/responsibility. I offered my sofa. Give him a couple of weeks to get back on his feet. Get a job. Find a place to stay.
Give them an inch and they’ll take 3 miles.
A couple of weeks turned into a month. Slept all day and all night. Literally crapped all over the bathroom and didn’t clean it up. Twice. (Health issues, but still.) We had no functional use of our entire home. Very small house. Kids and I mostly hid in our rooms. I gave him gas money (that I couldn’t really afford) to go look for jobs.
Fed him.
At 4 weeks he ‘got sick’. Zero plans of leaving my sofa. Not even looking for a job. Moaning on the sofa and crapping all over the bathroom. Loud. Smelly. We were almost hostages in our own home. Time for boundaries.
If you’re sick?
Go to the doctor. Get a job. Find suitable living arrangements. Leave the house during the day. Come back at night to shower and sleep. Nothing changed a bit. I set a hard limit. One more week. Nothing. That day came. Blah blah. I gave him 1 more night.
Next day… I made him pack his stuff and leave. 6 weeks total.
Of course, I’m the jerk for making him homeless. I’m selfish. Dysfunctional. My kids are ‘spoiled’ because I put them first. Y’all can fill in the blanks. My opinion? He made himself homeless.
I tried to help. It was made clear from the very beginning that this was not a long-term option. AITJ for kicking him back out on the streets? (Side note: he has a car. Technically, he was living in his car.)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is a GROWN MAN. You are definitely NTJ and in fact, you are extremely generous for even allowing him to stay let alone overstay. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Single mom to two teen girls… respect. I felt bad for how hard my mom worked and she only had me.
You’re not the jerk and you’re also not responsible for raising someone else’s ‘kid’ never mind the fact he’s only 15 years younger than you.” noturmama321
Another User Comments:
“You didn’t put him back on the streets, he did that all by himself.
You had two requirements for a nearly 39+ year old man: get a job, then find your own place. He did neither. He slept all day. Cleaned nothing. Literally, crap all over and did not clean it up. Did not go to the doctor or hospital for his condition.
You gave him money for gas so he could drive to the interview, but nothing, didn’t even look like he applied. He could have gotten a job at McDonald’s so he would have had something while looking for something else if he didn’t like it.
You can’t help someone who refuses to help themselves. They have to want to or it’s pointless. You and your kids deserve better. You do not mistreat yourself and your family trying to help another. This was an abusive situation and you needed to stop it.
You have two teenagers that need you and your support. They. Come. First. Before any other family member. Remember that. NTJ” Outrageous-forest
13. WIBTJ If I Do Things By Myself During A Family Vacation?
“This year, for spring break, I (40 f) gave my kids (10 f and 17 m) the choice of 4 cities to visit for spring break – Toronto, Chicago, Washington DC, or Cancun/Playa del Carmen.
Before they were allowed to choose, I expressed to them and my husband (47 m) that this trip I would not be planning.
All other family trips, and even couples trips, have been planned exclusively by me. Some were even paid for exclusively by me (we have always had separate finances). I have always done this willingly but with irritation. I feel we would never travel if I didn’t plan it – but I also feel there would be complaints that we never go anywhere.
I also feel like it becomes my responsibility to ensure everyone is having fun, we do things each person would like, and scope local eats well in advance to make sure everyone gets at least something they would enjoy. I have never been ‘told’ this is my job; I have just done it.
It is important to me that everyone enjoys trips, has fun, learns something, etc.
The kids chose DC. They have never been and my husband has never been. I have been quite a few times. I asked for this trip to be planned by them (kids and spouse).
I expressed this before they chose the city. I offered reminders encouraging them to discuss together what they wanted to do, see, eat, etc. I also told them that typically when I plan a trip I plot things we want to do in that city in a trip within Apple Maps so that you can see what things are close together, making planning easier.
In the 4 weeks from decision time to leaving for DC, I did not hear or observe much discussion about the trip. That’s ok – I don’t need them to plan things how I plan them. Mentally I am nervous about the situation, but if I said I don’t want to plan this trip then it’s not ok for me to micromanage how they plan.
Now we are driving there. And my daughter (10) asks me what kinds of things (specifically) we are going to do on our trip. Uhm – excuse me? It is revealed that literally nothing is planned (except where we are staying – because I booked that (I offered in the beginning and actually gave them several options to choose from)).
Everything that is ‘planned’ is more of a mental list of things they’d like to do/see – potentially.
I am mad, yes. More so, I am hurt. I am sad. Part of me wants to take the next 4 hours of driving time to plot out things so we can do/see things that are close in proximity so as not to waste time transversing the city.
I know if I do that I will be filled with resentment. The other part of me wants to do that (plot out things) and actually just do it alone. Also, I’ll add, that I am aware that ‘winging it’ is totally reasonable and we have had many trips where nothing was planned set in stone and everything was great.
For me – it’s the nothing. Not a thing was planned.
Would I be the jerk for just doing my own thing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you communicated to your husband that planning activities were on him (with discussion/input from the kids), that was the only requirement for the trip.
He and they agreed to that. Info: the 10-year-old forgot stuff so I’m assuming you then passed the question off to your husband. And that conversation confirmed that there wasn’t even a very basic plan of activities not even a list of places they want to visit?
Do not spend the travel time planning. Find a private moment away from the kids to have a conversation with your husband. Tell him how disappointed and upset you are that he hasn’t planned anything after agreeing to do so. Ask him how he is going to fix this.
Remind him that you’re only request was that you not have to plan the trip, so he is not to involve you and do it himself. If he comes up with a plan, then go along with it. You can discuss how let down you were when you returned from the trip.
Any questions from the kids about where you’re going or doing or when and where you’re eating get redirected to their dad – ‘Dad’s in charge of the planning hun ask him.’ ‘I don’t know sweetie, ask dad’ ‘We’re following dad’s plan so ask him okay’ (tone is important, don’t be a jerk or annoyed just redirect the kids to their dad).
If he doesn’t come up with a plan then the kids are still directed to Dad for everything. Every day, sit there and wait for him to take action. ‘We’re waiting on Dad. He’s organizing this trip.’ If/when you’re fed up with waiting for somewhere to go (9/10 am) say ‘I’m gonna explore on my own for a bit, kids, you’re with dad, he’s got your plan.
I’ll meet you back at the hotel at x’. If this happens for days, take the kids with you but leave him behind. ‘I’m exploring with the kids well meet you at the hotel at x’. Then consider future vacations. Maybe it’s just you and the kids.
He’s capable of organizing (and paying for trips) if he wants to go on one.” AdGroundbreaking4397
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Buttttt for the first few days or so just sit around in the hotel room and let them decide where and when to eat and what to do.
Give them an opportunity to make last-minute decisions and come up with ideas. Offer no solution and let it sink in that they need to use their brains.
If the first few days are utter failures (you’ve starved because they couldn’t decide) feel free to be like, ‘Well, since nothing is going on I’m going to get my nails done, massage, etc. (some things that excuse you from having to bring hubby or the kids).’ That way even your plans are not potential family events.
Maybe consider taking your daughter to get her nails done with you or your son to get the groceries with you or something. But I think it’s important to let them know you are serious and let everyone sit in discomfort for a few days.
If you leave before that they’re going to complain that you never gave them an opportunity and even though you aren’t, they’ll believe you to be a jerk.” beachbabe74
12. AITJ For Refusing To Give Some Of My Earnings From My Part-Time Work To Help My Parents?
“My parents have three kids. There’s me (17 M), my sister Lila (15 F), and my other sister Gracie (12 F). Gracie has been really sick since she was born. She has a really bad immune system, ongoing health problems that mean getting common illnesses are bad for her and send her to the hospital and my parents have been fighting hard to keep Gracie healthy and safe and out of the hospital. This has meant Gracie has been the kid my parents focus on more and this also means she gets all their patience and understanding.
My parents take a lot out on Lila and me. We cannot need them or take their attention because then we’re the worst.
Examples: Lila fell when she was 8 and she was bleeding a lot. She ran crying to Mom because she was upset and sore and Mom got so mad at her and asked her if she couldn’t see she was dealing with Gracie.
Mom scolded her super hard and claimed she wasn’t a baby and had no reason to cry over it or run to her.
Lila was forgotten at school when she was 7 and she was crying in the car on the way home. My dad scolded her for ‘acting up’ and he told her she was big enough to understand accidents can happen.
She cried to me when she got home.
Lila was having some trouble at school and the principal called our parents and requested a meeting. They were really temperamental with her and for days would ask ‘Don’t you see us struggling enough? Why can’t you deal with it yourself?!’ Lila was 10.
I struggle with math. Always have, always will. A few years ago I was sick for 2 weeks and then my parents kept me home for another 2 so I wouldn’t bring anything else home to Gracie. I needed a lot of help to catch up with math and my teacher needed my parents’ signature to keep me for extended help after school.
My parents said they’d sign it but ‘forgot’ and got mad when I reminded them. Then when my teacher called and asked for them to have it the next day, my parents told me I was so selfish with their time and they were so bad-tempered with me.
I broke my arm when I was younger and my parents were called to the hospital. Mom showed up and yelled at me that I should be ashamed for taking her attention away from Gracie who needed her.
Those are some specific examples. We take a lot of steps to take to keep Gracie away from sicknesses we might pick up.
We do our best to not make her sick. I never minded because I got it but I do hate how my parents treat me and Lila.
Now my parents are struggling. Dad lost his job and makes less and both my parents are very stressed. They asked me to take some of the weight off their shoulders and help them.
Give them time off and give some money from my part-time job to the household. And I refused. I’ll be moving out as soon as I turn 18 (I’ve been saving) and my parents don’t deserve my help when they resent me for ever needing it as their kid.
They have not been good parents to me in years but were before. My parents got so mad and told me I was so unfair to them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“This is really tough. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this.
You should have never been in this position. First, let me say that you have zero financial responsibility to your parents. They, by law in most places, have that duty to you as their child. Not the other way around.
Secondly, sometimes we need to be what others would consider selfish just to survive.
There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. Especially when you plan on taking better care of yourself than your parents took care of you. With the level of abandonment, I can only imagine how many dentist appointments or eye appointments you missed and school activities you missed out on.
Not to mention the extra responsibility of having to care for Lila which should have never been thrown onto you. So much weight on your young shoulders.
Lastly, and I want to make sure that you understand this 100% – you are NOT being unfair to them.
They do not get to treat you with complete disregard, abandon, resentment, disrespect, disgust, etc., and then claim that you are the one being unfair. It is completely reasonable to save up for your future. It is completely reasonable to protect yourself. It is absolutely NOT unfair.
I wish you the best. NTJ” United-Loss4914
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have been saving to move out (wonderful choice) and NEED that money. You are looking out for yourself as no one else does. You are not unfair to them, they have been unfair to you and Lila for many years.
Guard your money, your important documents, etc., and Lila’s as well if you can get your hands on them. Let them be mad, it sounds as if they are pretty much always anyway. When you do move out, please stay in close touch with Lila, I don’t envy her life at all.” BefuddledPolydactyls
11. AITJ For Wanting To End A Family Tradition For The Sake Of My Child?
“Every April, my wife’s family holds a family reunion. They don’t celebrate holidays together often, so they go all out for these, renting a hall, catering, the works. The only weird event at these reunions is a clothing swap between the women of the family.
For whatever reason, when my wife and her sisters all had daughters close in age, they decided a long time ago that this was the best way to do family hand-me-downs. All the women in my wife’s family ended up being very short (4’10”-5’1″), so they all wear ‘rare’ but similar sizes, so it’s always worked out.
With a 70/30 gender split and the only men in the family being myself, my brother-in-law, and my sons from a previous relationship, this swap meet is the MAIN event. They make a whole show about it. It’s incredibly boring from the outside, so my boys and I always head out early if we go at all.
This would be a non-issue if it weren’t for my daughter, Kate. She’s my wife’s and my ‘ours’ baby. Kate took after my side of the family. We’re a taller family, or at least not Keebler Elves, so by the time she was 11, she started coming back with nothing from those parties.
The first time, I assumed that she was just picky until I realized that she was starting to be bigger than her older sisters and cousins and had outgrown any size they would wear.
My wife thought she needed to realize that not everything was for everyone and to just have fun being there.
Last year, she started having body image issues thinking she was ‘fat’ and needed to go on a diet, and now I’m thinking having this event is feeding it. This year is going to be a massive deal as my MIL is going into a nursing home and is downsizing.
She was so into fashion that she has an entire storage unit full, so this is going to be a TON of stuff.
I’m starting to think the reunion shouldn’t involve a clothing swap at all and all of that should be done privately at another time.
Family shouldn’t be about a fashion show. My wife thinks that’s ridiculous and Kate is just having typical teenage problems that will go away on their own, but if she’s so bothered, she can just not go or stay with the boys. I don’t think that’s right.
This is mainly a girl’s reunion!
It’s not like there’s anything else for an alternative for her to share in because they don’t really get rid of accessories or anything, it’s JUST clothes. This event is starting to get mean and exclusionary, and it needs to end.
I’m trying my best to make them see sense, and I’m getting nothing but arguments. Am I really in the wrong here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I don’t think you should try to stop the tradition. The tradition needs to evolve. Ask the family if they can include accessories, or maybe add a new tradition of a Secret Santa-style event where everyone brings a specific person an item of clothing in their specific size.
You could also start a tradition that includes the men and any women who want to participate. Maybe a novelty sock exchange? Something goofy that doesn’t steal the show entirely but gives another focus and something else to take home.
The last idea I have is to allow Kate to bring a friend.
Somebody else who can join in on just observing the clothing exchange without ultimately taking anything. I think that seems pretty likely to take the edge off and allow her to have a good time.” Foxtastic4D
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You are being protective of your child’s feelings and that’s very sweet, but your wife is also right that everyone needs to learn that not everything is for them.
Nobody is in the wrong, it’s just an unfortunate situation. She’s old enough to have a frank conversation about this. And if she’s the tallest, it’s also possible that her contribution can be as the New B***d, handing her things down. It might also be worth mentioning that it doesn’t seem to bother you that the boys are excluded as well, so keep in mind their feelings.” MrsDarkOverlord
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for WANTING to end it. Probably would be NTJ for actively ending it, at least if there was no resistance. But there will be resistance. Your wife doesn’t see the problem, and frankly, it doesn’t sound like she’s going to. Still, the first solution is always talking about it – talk with your wife about why it’s upsetting and even harmful, and simply being told to sit out – by your MOTHER – while everyone else is having fun is NOT a healthy solution.
If she refuses to get it, maybe have a heart-to-heart with Kate directly. Tell her that it’s clearly an insane ritual at this point (jokingly) and you don’t get it, so why don’t you and she go spend some time together, maybe watch a movie or something?
Ask her if there’s anything else she wants to do, she might make suggestions, or you keep giving alternatives like I just suggested or even specifically go to help Kate get some new clothes for herself so she doesn’t feel like she’s missing out on that angle.
I feel like if the boys can maybe go do something else for a bit (like grandparents or just go out, depending on their ages), the child who’s struggling would really appreciate some close time with and attention from daddio, where you both laugh and joke that mom’s side of the family are nutcases.
That’s how I’d solve this anyway.
First, talk with mom about it frankly and seriously. If it doesn’t work, see if you can be very close with Kate and give her an alternative to look forward to, ask her what she’d like to do, etc in its place.
Good luck.” rebbit_throwaway
10. AITJ For Speaking My Mind About My Brother's Situation?
“My brother (40 M) and I (30 M) are not on the best of terms right now. I feel like he expects me to be a silent shoulder to cry on and to not have any opinion or advice for him.
But he also asks questions then and I’m apparently supposed to agree with him or I’m a jerk. Maybe I am.
My brother has been married twice. He has a 15-year-old son with his ex-wife and with his current wife, he has an 8-year-old daughter and a 6-year-old son.
My older nephew has been through a lot because of his mom, constant moves, new guys in and out of his life all the time, putting guys before him, and leaving him behind when she goes off with others. But he is fiercely loyal to his mom and always was.
She didn’t like it when my brother had more kids so my older nephew was always very distant from his half-siblings and he calls himself an only child. He also had a distant relationship with his stepmom. She accepted this because he was distant but not rude or cruel.
She did try to improve their relationship though.
But for about a year and a half my older nephew has been an outright jerk to his half-siblings and stepmom. He goes out of his way to upset them and to say awful things. He has repeated things his mom has called the kids to the kids’ faces and he even showed them texts he and his mom send each other about them and their mom.
My brother went to court for full custody due to the alienation and was denied and the courts decided 50:50 should remain but did order therapy for my older nephew.
Therapy didn’t help and his behavior is worse than ever. He does not care who is around either.
He has behaved like this in front of my family, in front of mine and my brother’s parents, and in front of neighbors and family friends. He also involved a friend of my niece’s and turned that into a bullying situation. He knows the girl through his best friend (they’re siblings I believe).
SIL is no longer willing to tolerate it and she and my brother fought a lot. She told him either my older nephew goes to live with his mom or they live in separate homes to protect the kids. My brother refused. He wanted to keep things as they were.
She said no way, took the kids, and left when my brother refused to figure something out.
This is where my fight with my brother comes in. He was venting to me, and complaining about his ex and his wife, and the situation with the kids.
He asked me what he was supposed to do and whether I thought he was unreasonable or not. He asked me 3 different times before I told him I did think he was wrong and that he should have worked with his wife because now he is likely to lose them all.
His son will choose to live with his mom once he’s 16 and his marriage will be gone and the younger kids will feel like he didn’t care about protecting them. He told me to shut up, called me a child, and then told me I had no idea what I was talking about.
He defended his stance. This is when I called him dumb and told him not to come crying to me when he ends up alone.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He asked for your opinion, he got it. He’s in a terrible situation and it’s understandable that he didn’t react well.
When you talk to him again you could tell him that you’re sorry you were so blunt with him but that you are worried about his relationships with all his kids and you felt that the best thing you could do for him was to tell him exactly what you thought.
Given his 2nd wife no doubt told him the same thing I don’t expect him to end up listening to you but you were looking out for his best interests, not being a recording device that just parrots back what he says.” Illustrious_Bus7861
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am surprised you stopped there. Although he may be your older brother but if I was you I would have laid it out even more than just what you said. He thinks that he needs to understand that some people can’t get along together and know that he doesn’t have the right to try to make those people make up.
For people to make peace between each other they need to be in the same headspace. They need to acknowledge their mistakes. But it seems that your brother is stupid (sorry but he is) and wants them to get along without looking at the bigger picture and how that will affect his current family and situation.
His priority needs to be on his current family not the past one.
The teen is just being fed something by his mom he needs to realize that. And protect his wife and 2 kids first since they are the ones under fire. Then once that’s done he can try to find the reason for his oldest to change behavior like that and why he is acting that way WITHOUT INVOLVING HIS NEW FAMILY AND KIDS.” Xin_Y
9. AITJ For Not Deleting My Partner's Roommate's Photos On My Phone?
“So last weekend I was sitting on the couch with my partner (we’ll call her Sam) watching a movie both of us on our phones. Sam was playing some game and I was scrolling my camera roll looking for a picture of a chart I had saved a long time ago.
As I’m scrolling through something catches Sam’s eye and she tells me to scroll back down. It was a picture of her and her roommate (we’ll call her Lily) from last Halloween and Lily is squatting down with her butt to the camera while pretending to bite into Sam’s butt.
These are common poses for Lily when they get dressed up and such as Lily is a very outwardly liberated girl. I was the only dude there so all the girls made me a camera guy for their group shoots. I felt slightly uncomfortable as most of them were dressed how Hollywood would dress a bunch of 20-year-old girls but I did it anyway.
When Sam saw it she asked why I hadn’t deleted it yet and I told her I honestly didn’t see anything wrong with it still being on my phone, as well as the rest of the pictures from that night, including many pictures of just the 2 of us.
Sam said it’s gross and I could be looking at it whenever I want and I said Lily literally has an Instagram and Snapchat that has hundreds of pictures of her ‘showing off.’ I deleted them from my phone except the ones of just Sam and I and thought it’d be over that night but even now 5 days later Sam is still mad at me for what happened. I just never thought to delete them because I never intended to go back and look at the pictures except the ones of Sam and me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Yes and No. It may have been in the delivery of your response. If you initially said ‘I honestly didn’t know they were still on there’ because I think most people don’t go back and delete photos… instead it sounds like you double-downed and basically said why does it matter it’s on her socials.
When socials are that… for public and that was your personal roll. I think that’s probably what has her upset. Hope that helps and makes sense.” Illustrious-Age-5560
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s no harm in deleting them off your phone if it makes Sam feel better.
She is a jerk for getting upset at you and not handling it more maturely. It sounds like an opportunity to talk and see if you guys can really communicate. ‘I had all the photos that YOU asked me to take. I don’t want to do anything that would make you feel insecure or jealous and I don’t mind deleting them.
But I wish you had approached me better than you did. I don’t think it’s fair that you are angry at me over this’.” UnusuallyScented
8. AITJ For Being Petty With My Cousin/Boss?
“I (21 f) started working for my cousin (38 f) as a receptionist for her business, for the sake of keeping this anonymous I won’t explain exactly what it is.
My initial job was to just answer the phones and make appointments and my pay reflected that.
As time went on she began piling more and more on my plate, expecting me to be able to do things that keep her business afloat but not still not giving me the power to make any decisions.
This wouldn’t be a huge issue if she wasn’t always out of the office and ignoring my calls and messages.
My cousin claims to have a poor memory so I will have to remind her dozens of times to meet with potential clients and to work up rough drafts for jobs.
People will pay a consultation fee and then have to wait weeks for her to remember to actually begin the work. Unfortunately for me, being the receptionist, I am the one having to handle the irate clients who will no longer make deadlines.
As expected her business has slowed significantly and she seems to believe it is my fault.
She has begun leaving passive-aggressive notes to make sure I’m taking calls and petty checklists for me to mark off daily. She also had decided that since we aren’t that busy I should be deep cleaning the office daily to earn my pay. I’ve mentioned leaving and finding a new job since we’re not busy, and I don’t have class over the summer but she said she wants me to stay working with her and that she needs my help.
My mom also said that she’s family and I can’t leave her in a bind when she’s struggling like this.
Recently, however, instead of one page with multiple notes, she has begun to write them individually and then places some in my area and then some in hers.
She then will berate me if I miss a single one, especially if it involves a client or a job. I’d always ask her to please put them all on my desk and she would make comments about me wanting her to do my job for me.
So last week I had enough, and anytime she started on her tirade instead of trying to defend myself I’d stare blankly at her and ask if she had started this job or called this client yet even though I knew she hadn’t. Every time it had the desired effect and she would leave without finishing the conversation.
This has apparently upset her a lot because she started raging to her mother, my aunt, who then complained to my parents about it.
My dad thinks it’s hilarious, but my mom and aunt think I should stop because I’m just being petty when I know she’s stressed. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your cousin is using you as a scapegoat for her own failures as a business owner. You’ve gone above and beyond your role as a receptionist, only to be met with disrespect and an unfair workload. It’s not your fault that her business is struggling, and it’s certainly not your responsibility to clean up her messes, both literally and figuratively.
Your mom and aunt may mean well, but they’re only enabling your cousin’s behavior. You have every right to stand up for yourself and call out your cousin’s hypocrisy. Your dad’s support shows that he understands the importance of setting boundaries and not letting your family take advantage of you.
Don’t feel guilty for wanting to be treated with respect and dignity. You deserve better.” CaylaMazzaferro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – honestly, go find another job. Don’t TELL her you’re looking for another job, and when you get one, just quietly put in your two weeks’ notice.
If she starts her tirade, rescind the two-week notice and quit effective immediately. If her business goes under and your family starts attacking you for causing it to crumble, I’d be petty and say something like, ‘Wow, I didn’t realize that I was the sole reason she was staying in business.
She should’ve paid me more’.” Jendy86
7. AITJ For Telling My Husband His Brother Has Been Paying For His Ex's House?
“So my brother-in-law used to go out with Daisy but they broke up a year ago and completely destroyed the relationship our family had with her. Daisy was practically adopted by my in-laws and she was always closest to my husband as they’re the same age and he used to act like he was her big brother.
I don’t know why they broke up but my brother-in-law made it clear it was going to be him or Daisy and the family chose him. This entire time he’s refused to speak about what happened between them but we all assumed it was bad since my brother-in-law isn’t the type to give ultimatums or behave petty.
I didn’t speak to Daisy for about 3 months but after I felt bad and I wanted to hear her side of the story so I reached out. She wouldn’t talk about it and seemed to shut down whenever I brought it up so I stopped but we continued being friends again.
My husband knew I spoke to her occasionally but he refused to have anything to do with her which hurt Daisy a lot.
Before the breakup, Daisy lived with my brother-in-law but soon after they broke up she moved into her new house. It’s a nice house so I always assumed Daisy had a lot of savings from not having to pay for anything for so long but it turns out my brother-in-law has been paying for the house this entire time AND he spends time with her (I think this is a recent thing but paying for the house has definitely been going on the entire time).
I was shocked because he’s the reason the entire family stopped having anything to do with Daisy but if she’s so horrible why is he still sniffing around her?
After Daisy told me this, I told my husband as a way to show him he was being silly cutting Daisy off.
He confronted my brother-in-law who is acting like I’m in the wrong for telling my husband the truth. I know it’s his business what he does with his money but also WHAT?!
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here but your husband. You chose to go behind your husband’s family’s wishes to talk to Daisy, which is fine.
You’re an adult you can be friends with whoever you want. The problem is, your husband told you he wasn’t interested in rekindling his friendship with Daisy but instead of respecting that you repeated personal information between Daisy and his brother to try to convince him otherwise.
I’m assuming your BIL did some shady crap if his relationship ended but he’s still paying Daisy’s bills. It sounds like she’s benefitting financially from whatever went down by remaining silent.
You should’ve gathered more context on their situation (why they broke up, if they’re actually back together) before working with Daisy to manipulate her way back into the family.
It’s all just too much drama to be in the middle of and drag into your own marriage which is why I think everyone sucks here but your husband.” Zealousideal-Divide6
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for digging into other people’s business. They both said they didn’t want to talk about it and you still kept asking.
It’s not your situation to insert yourself in. You can be friends with her without bringing up her past relationship. It’s obvious something happened. NTJ for telling your husband if she didn’t tell you to confide in you. BIL is also NTJ for being mad that you said something, if they wanted everyone to know their situation they would have come out and said something.
Which brings me back to the first YTJ for inserting yourself into a situation that did not concern you.” mbcob
6. AITJ For Not Being Able To Bring My Gift To My Sister's Baby Shower?
“In December I reached out to a local crochet business to make a blanket/stuffy for my sister’s baby shower, which was this past weekend (March).
I have been consistently reaching out to this local business to ensure that the lovey is done on time.
I work a lot so trying to arrange pick up has been difficult, so I gave the owner numerous days and times where I could pick up the week before the baby shower. The owner told me that none of those times work.
We finally agreed on me picking up the stuffed animal one hour before my sister’s baby shower started.
I arrived at the crochet store, which was 30 minutes out of my way to my sister’s baby shower. I received a text message from the owner (as soon as I pulled up to the store) saying that it was not ready yet. Keep in mind that I ordered this in December.
So I went ahead and went to my sister’s baby shower empty-handed because I did not have any time to stop at the store and pick up another gift.
My sister was furious at the fact that I did not have a gift with me, she said that it was rude and disrespectful to her and the baby because I did not bring something.
I tried to explain the situation to her. I told her that the lady from the store that I bought the gift from did not have it ready on time.
I showed my sister the inspirational picture for the gift and she said she looks forward to seeing it when it’s done.
However, she was deeply disappointed that it was not finished. She blamed me for it not being done and said that it was probably an excuse because I probably ‘forgot’ the shower. She told me I could have at least bought something else because it was ’embarrassing’ for her sister to come in with no gift in front of her husband’s family (who are very traditional/hoity).
I told her to knock it off because it’s not my fault. She proceeded to cry and everyone told me to stop being so mean/careless to the pregnant lady. I just sat through the rest of the shower. I then left without really saying anything else to anyone.
Fast forward to today, I was finally able to pick up the stuffed animal.
The stuffed animal/blanket looks nothing like the inspiration photos that I sent to this crochet lady. She did not even make the blankets that came along with it. I had to drop those off in January.
I spent nearly $200 on this gift for my sister. $50 for the blankets and $150 for the crochet animals.
I immediately went over to my sister’s house, gave them to her, and apologized. She threw a fit. She said they looked nothing like how I described, and I should be ashamed that I even brought this as a present for her.
She told me that she did not want the gift. Especially because it’s late and looks like ‘crap’ (her words not mine).
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister sounds very entitled, and it was incredibly unfair to jump to assuming that you forgot about the shower when you were planning out the gift ~3 MONTHS in advance.
You tried making it up to her and she just dumped on your efforts. Unfortunately, the bigger jerk here is the proprietor of the crochet shop. She was insanely behind on the deadline to the point that the item wasn’t ready even after you agreed on a pickup time, and the stuffy wasn’t made to your specifications despite you paying a lot of money for it.
I don’t like dumping on small businesses, but the owner shouldn’t have taken on the project if she couldn’t deliver on any of her promises.” sopranna23
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a proficient crocheter myself I have to say the person who made this is more of a jerk than even your sister or it’s a close tie.
They strung you along and didn’t come close to making what you asked for. I could have made these better with my eyes closed.
Please do whatever you need to do to get refunded, even if that means getting a chargeback from your credit card company, then leave them THE most honest & disparaging review possible.
Sorry your sister is like that, I made a blanket & sweater for my niece’s baby and she barely looked at them and tossed them aside. The sweater was one of the cutest things I’ve ever made, I kinda wanted it back! Lol. But I learned my lesson, now I only make things for people I think will appreciate them or who make requests.” GiddyGabby
5. AITJ For Refusing To Be Officially Adopted By My Stepmom?
“My stepmother married my dad when I (17 f) was 10 and my mom died when I was 5. My stepmother and my dad have 3 sons together and no daughters.
My stepmother always wanted a daughter though and when she married my dad she tried really hard to take over in the role of mom. I never wanted her to be. That’s not a her specific thing. I wouldn’t have allowed anyone else in to be my mom.
Still, I liked my stepmother for the first couple of years, and other than a couple of annoying things; she tried to give me a more girly nickname because my name is more unisex and her talk of being a new mom. It got more strained though when my oldest half-brother was born just over a year after my dad and stepmother got married.
Once he was born she asked me if she could adopt me and if I would like to be ‘her little girl’ and I said no. My dad asked me to talk to him about it and I told him nobody else could be my mom.
He mentioned legal stuff and I said I didn’t want the legal protections from adoptions and wouldn’t choose my stepmother if he died anyway. My dad understood and he told me as long as I treat her respectfully, he wouldn’t push the issue. He talked to his wife about it and told her the adoption was off the table and that she wasn’t to bring it up again.
My stepmother went crazy after that. She was always trying to sign us up for mother/daughter trips and tried to spend more and more time with me. She would come up with random trips or experiences for us to do together and she started cutting my chores and responsibilities that I did before I knew her.
She admitted she wanted to show me how great having a mom again could be. I told her I didn’t want her doing that stuff. Then I started making excuses and getting out of spending any time with her. She had my second half-brother and was growing more depressed that we never spent time together anymore.
After my third half-brother was born she really got intense. It didn’t help that she found out I had gone to my grandma over her with my first period and I hadn’t mentioned getting periods to her at that point. I had them for 3ish years at that point.
She had this whole talk planned and was upset that I had skipped it with her and went to someone else. She was also upset that I didn’t experiment with makeup really or go to her for makeup/hair advice.
Last week my stepmother told me she wanted to be the one I go prom dress shopping with.
She told me it’s a huge milestone for moms and daughters and she refuses to let us miss out. I told her I’d go with my friends when the time came and she was upset and told me she wanted this to be a nice mother/daughter experience.
I told her she’s not my mom and I’m not going to give her this mother/daughter experience. I told her she’s not going to get any of those because she’s not my mom and I don’t want her to be.
She got really upset and I heard her and my dad fight about it.
He told her she couldn’t force that on me. She said I should be more willing to let her in. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t help that you never felt that connection. You were a little snappy, but she did keep pushing and HAS been pushing you for years.
This is so sad. If she wasn’t so dead-set on the title and adoption papers, she could have had all those things, just as a ‘stepmom’ instead of a ‘mom’. Some stepkids are ready to accept a stepparent as a replacement parent right away, some never are, but that is up to the kid and not the adults.
But anyway, she likely would have had a better relationship with you if she wasn’t so pushy. She may have been someone you were more willing to let in if there wasn’t a known motive behind it to manipulate you into being ‘her little girl’.
You may have never been quite as close as she wanted, but you’d likely be much closer than you are now.” Fluffy_Sheepy
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ. I respect you for drawing boundaries about your feelings. I also understand pushing back to the idea of being turned into a life goal of hers instead of an individual. I will say though, that if you like her aside from this, you may find years from now you are happy to have her in your life and regret missed opportunities for bonding and memories.
I know she’s making it hard, but if you could find it in your heart to create a close relationship with her (while still upholding your boundary about not being adopted) you may find that having another adult who loves and cares for you is meaningful in the future.
As my parents age, I regret so much of the pushback I gave them when they tried to love me at your age (even when I was right) because life is short and our time together is limited.” CherryTry
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP, you have to stand your ground, she’ll expect to do the wedding dress shopping and being the mother of the bride.
She’ll demand a special name as the grandmother. She’s determined to wear you down or maybe hoping you’ll take pity on her. I’m glad your dad has your back, but I wonder if this has affected your relationship with your half-brothers.
In other instances like this, the stepparent has used the sibling to try to guilt the rebel into giving in, and it frequently causes a rift between the siblings.
OP, have you had the conversation with your stepmother and explained that it’s not personal against her, that you don’t want anyone trying to take your mom’s place, and that nothing she could do will change that?
I just wonder if she believes that she has to earn it?” Vegetable-Cod-2340
4. AITJ For Laughing At My Husband's Comment About My Mom And Dad?
“I (25 F) and my husband (26 M) have been happily married for 4 years. My mother (54 F) and father (53 M) kept him at arm’s distance for most of the time he’s been in our lives, but things were usually cordial. I come from a family in which academics are incredibly important, but my husband was raised differently.
He was still raised well, but his parents never emphasized academics and he was allowed to relax growing up. This will be important later. My parents visit us for dinner every month, but every time they do they usually make snide or passive-aggressive comments about my husband’s upbringing or where he went to college.
(I went to an Ivy League school but he didn’t, his college isn’t bad but it wouldn’t be considered the best)
My husband is a sweetheart so he responds politely or just ignores them. I tried talking to my parents about their comments in the past but my worries were shot down and was told I was taking their jokes too seriously.
Tonight, my father mentioned how my husband could have gone to a better school for his degree if his parents taught him to study more. And that companies care a lot about where you graduated from. My mother chimed in and said that even if he did get accepted to a good school his parents probably wouldn’t have been able to afford it anyway.
I was about to interject when my husband cut me off and replied ‘You probably would have been able to bail out your son if you could afford it.’ He was referring to the time my older brother got arrested for a DUI last year, my parents were unable to pay the bail.
My parents went silent at this comment and I began laughing hysterically. My father got my mother and soon left, but they glared at me before slamming the front door shut. Later that night I got a myriad of texts from our family members telling me off for not defending my flesh and b***d and laughing as my husband embarrassed my parents.
I am not mad at my hubby for this, but I understand that I was probably the jerk for laughing when he made that comment. Some of my family members agree that my parents shouldn’t have been mouthing off, but others say that I should have said something because my husband went too far with his comment.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t play stupid games if you don’t want to win stupid prizes. They insulted your husband for years, he made one comment in response to another rude comment. If they didn’t want him to bring up money they shouldn’t have brought it up.
Also – I have three family members who are recruiters, one of them recruits doctors, and has shown me in depth their process and what they do. Sure, some jobs can be impressed with schools, but they don’t care that much. If you graduated from Stanford but had no real-world experience versus someone who graduated from their local small college and had a lot of experience, the company will (at least most of the time) ultimately choose more experience over a degree.
The people who enforce the whole ‘jobs only respect you if you come from a prestigious college’ are just plain wrong.” ChickenPale907
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ to your husband all along, by the sound of it. Decent of you to give the poor badly-educated chap a break, by marrying him!
Your parents humiliated themselves with their constant ragging on your husband. At this point, however, you need to decide which team you are on. Will you join in harassing your husband or will you be gurgling with pleasure when he rips your parents a new one?
(they sound like they could use a couple more). Or maybe, in shock and horror, you could make an effort to get your parents shut up for good? They need to hear from you that they are not on the sturdiest of grounds when they harass your well-brought-up-other-than-his-lack-of-knowledge-about-studying husband.
They need to hear that you love him EVEN DESPITE HIS DEFICITS.
They need to learn, at long last, that the best education in the country will not save a bad person. They need to learn that a costly education is no amelioration for lousy, rotten manners.
And they need to learn that their daughter stands by her choice of a delightful, intelligent husband who brings joy into her life. Do you have the nerve to do that or are you still going to be their compliant daughter, selling out your husband each time?
You do have the power to remove both of you from their lives completely and finally, if they will not reform. You are the grown-up now.” FerretLover12741
3. AITJ For Being Honest About How I Feel About My Friend's Plastic Surgery?
“So I (34 F) have a childhood best friend Cordelia (32 F). Cordelia was always one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen, but she’s always had severe self-esteem issues.
Recently with the buccal fat removal trend, she’s been enamoured by it. She swore up and down she was gonna save up for it because she doesn’t like her ’round face’ (it wasn’t round or big at all)
She finally saved up the money and flew to LA to get the surgery, and this week she was healed enough to see some results.
I, personally, think the people who get that procedure look bad, but my opinion does not matter because if that is what makes them happy that is literally all that matters. Beauty is subjective and as long as you love yourself, no one else’s opinions are relevant.
Cordelia and I had brunch today and she asked me what I thought of her results, I told her the doctor did a good job at the surgery and I’m glad to see her happy. She continued on and we were chatting, but then she brought it up again asking me how I thought she looked, I once again told her that the surgery was very well done and that it looked exactly the way she wanted.
Cordelia got upset and asked me why I wasn’t ‘giving her a straight answer’ and asked me if I thought it made her prettier. I told her that she’s always been a beautiful woman and that the glow she has from the confidence it’s given her is a good look.
She told me to tell her if I thought she was pretty or not and I said ‘Your opinion is the only one that matters. It’s your face and I’m happy you achieved your goal. I personally don’t like the look of it on anyone, but it’s none of my business because it’s not my face, you were beautiful before doing it’.
Cordelia threw a fit, poured her mimosa on me, and told me I was a ‘jealous and petty witch’.
I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, I don’t know why she wanted my opinion so badly, or why she couldn’t accept my answer, but I definitely feel like a jerk.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She pressed repeatedly for an answer and was so distraught by your honesty that she poured a drink on you. How childish is that? Of course, you could have told a white lie, that’s probably all she wanted, but at the end of the day she put you in a tough spot and it wasn’t like you said ‘You look ugly, yuck’.
Several times you made it clear that she looked beautiful even before the procedure, that the doctor did a good job, that her glow of confidence now made her look really good, etc.
I’d question my friendship with her if I were you. No one should be expected to at all times lift someone else up or constantly tell white lies to ensure their confidence is on top.
She sounds insecure enough that it might actually be a good and healthy idea for her to seek some help with that.” AltruisticCableCar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but consider just not being her friend anymore. People this insecure, needy, and childish are exhausting. We all have our flaws that our loved ones deal with, but there’s a limit.
Also, some doctors seem to think that some people who’ve had this surgery will regret it later as they age since this is an area where people tend to lose fat in time (if I’m not mistaken) — their faces will look more sunken in and older than they otherwise would.
If this is the case with her, then it’s an entirely new insecurity.” paul_rudds_drag_race
2. AITJ For Trying To Introduce My Partner To My Family?
“I’m (21 f) living abroad. I have been with my partner (22 f) for a year and decided to bring her home to my family for winter break.
I have to mention that I come from a religious family, and although I came out to them as bi 2 years ago they have always made it clear that they expect me to marry a man. My family also did not know that I and my partner were together, they just knew we were very close.
Anyway, my partner flew in to meet me and the day after she landed we were in the kitchen and I gave her a hug. Of course, my mom walked in at that second and freaked out. She called me to her room and started going off about how disrespectful and disgusting I am, how I should keep my ‘sick twisted crap’ out of her house, and how I’m a liar.
She said my partner was not allowed under her roof and I was disgusting for bringing her to begin with.
At this point, I was freaking out and having a panic attack and I left with my partner to a friend’s house and stayed there for the rest of the trip.
My phone was blowing up the whole time with texts from both of my parents calling me deceitful and selfish and confused, and telling me I have no idea what I’m doing with my life if I’ve sunk so low as to be in a relationship with a girl.
My siblings told me I shouldn’t have brought her home, even though when I came out to my parents originally they didn’t really have much of a reaction so I had no idea they would react this way. My friends are telling me I didn’t do anything wrong.
So am I the jerk for trying to introduce my partner to my family and bringing her home for winter break?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for selfishly bringing your partner into such a situation. You knew exactly what the situation was otherwise you wouldn’t just have ‘laughed it off’ on the phone but told them out straight.
You were too afraid to be direct so you were hoping when you two come there they will sort of accept it. But even when you arrived you obviously didn’t clarify the situation with your parents considering your mother’s reaction. As they are very religious, you know exactly how they feel about the whole thing, nobody is that ignorant.
So why exactly did you panic?
You got yourself into that problem, but even worse, as I said before, your partner who is a foreigner in your country I gather. Have you at least warned her in advance what might happen or did you just think of yourself?
‘So am I the jerk for trying to introduce my partner to my family and bringing her home for winter break?’ You didn’t try to introduce her to your family, as you didn’t even dare tell them what the thing is, the only thing you did was get your partner into a really ugly situation in a foreign country.
And just because you were too much of a coward to be straight with your family.” Ok-Goat3688
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not for being who you are, but for putting your partner into that sort of situation. Your family is homophobic. While that sucks, there isn’t anything you can do to force them to change how they feel, and yet you went ahead and tried. You did so without telling them you were bringing anyone home, nor less your partner.
You say they didn’t have much of a reaction when you told them you were bi, but they flat-out said they expected you to marry a man, making it pretty obvious how they felt about it. It just felt like a win at the time because they hadn’t disowned you.
But they were pretty clear in how they felt. But because you appeared to be in denial, you ended up putting your partner into a situation that she never should have been in. Not only was she an unexpected houseguest, which automatically puts a damper on everything, but you likely led her to believe that she would be welcomed In as your partner.
While I’m not in the least bit siding with your parents, the bottom line is that you were deceitful. You orchestrated this whole trip and thought if you just showed up with your partner, they would have to accept you. I get that you were so hopeful that you were looking at this all with rose-colored glasses, but this was not the way to do it.
While I don’t think it would have gone any smoother if you’d video-chatted with them before the trip to give them a heads-up, you could have at least decided if this trip was still worth taking, or gone back to your hometown without the expectations of spending that time with your family.” Oliviarose85
1. AITJ For Not Responding To My Biological Half-Sister?
“I (M 24) recently did a DNA and ancestry test. I won’t name the brand because I don’t want this to seem like an ad.
I was adopted by my parents when I was 7 years old. I don’t really remember much, if anything, of my life prior to being adopted. But I know that I was neglected, to say the least. Just to put that context out there.
I’ve never really had intentions of meeting my biological family, I’ve always thought they obviously didn’t care about me so why should I waste time caring for them? When I did the DNA test, I knew there was a chance that I would be matched with a close genetic relation.
But I never had any intention of messaging with any of them. Even though my parents have been supportive of me finding a connection to my bio-family.
Anyway, the DNA test came back a few days ago and I matched with someone who apparently is my biological half-sister.
She sent me a long message explaining that she’s been searching for me for a while and she would love to speak and help me build a picture of my biological family. She said that she lived with me and my dad (her stepdad) and our mom when I was young.
She was 7 years older than me and when I was removed into foster care she moved in with her dad.
I read the message, but I haven’t responded. And in all honesty, I don’t plan to. It’s nice that I know someone’s out there who cares for me, but I still don’t want anything to do with my bio family.
My brother (also adopted) Oliver says that I am being selfish by not responding. He says I should think about what my sister might be thinking, but I don’t think he understands since he has always kept a link to his bio-family.
We ended up getting into a huge, stupid, argument over it.
And he says that if I wasn’t going to respond I shouldn’t have even done the test because now it just gives my ‘sister’ false hope. I told him he didn’t understand what I was going through because he never lost connection with his bio-fam.
And he said I’m an idiot for thinking that. We were both probably equally rude, I’m not trying to paint him as a bad person. We had a dumb fight.
So AITJ for refusing to respond to my ‘sister’?”
Another User Comments:
“Nah.
Nobody has the right to force a relationship you don’t want onto you. But your brother might have empathy with your sister. Although you were young (and have no memories) she might well have loved you and tried her best to care for you and been devastated that you were taken away.
The majority of her childhood that she remembers (7-14) might be including you and perhaps the only good part if there was trouble at home. She might have been waiting and hoping for something like this to happen – to be able to check you had a good life with your adopted family and were happy.
Perhaps you might like to think about her as well as yourself in this context of two children in a bad situation. You certainly don’t have to. But you might like to.” LivsLivesLife
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ, it’s understandable that you’re not in a place where you want anything to do with your biological family.
I understand that they are not your ‘real’ family, or even family at all. If you could find it within you to just give her a quick response letting her know that, it would be nice of you. She most likely has a lot of trauma too, and since she’s older she remembers more and might have memories of you that she’s fond of.
Again, it’s not on you to help her with her trauma, and you are not wrong if you choose to do nothing. But it might help her if you at least express that you are not ready for any contact and that you might never be.
At the very least, if you feel like it, you could take a bit to think about it before you decide 100% that you won’t respond to her at all. But ultimately it’s still up to you. Your brother has no right to get involved or guilt you about this.
His experience is his experience, your experience is yours. They are not one and the same, and he shouldn’t act as if they are.” AltruisticCableCar
