People Want Us To React To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
15. AITJ For Secretly Giving My Grandson Some Christmas Money But Not My Step-Granddaughter?
“I am a retired man on a pension. I don’t get much money and I have to live frugally.
My daughter had an affair with the man she is with now. This broke up her marriage. the new family member is a 15-year-old teenage girl who is technically my step-grandchild now. I don’t see her often nor do I know her.
She lives with her mom. My daughter and her husband married as soon as her divorce was finalized 18 months ago.
This has been extremely hard on my grandson. He is 17 and moody, angry, upset, and lashing out at his mom. He doesn’t want to live with her but his dad hasn’t got a stable home due to the divorce.
My grandson is in need of someone ‘in his corner’.
I decided I wanted to gift him some funds for Christmas. Normally I don’t give cash to any family member but I want to help him. He is not dealing well. I gave him the funds in secret and asked that he invest wisely. Not blow it on girls or substances. He said he will buy a car, I said okay.
My daughter found the cash in my son’s room after doing a ‘random’ search and wanted to know where the money came from.
I told her the truth so she would not suspect my grandson of wrongdoing. She told her partner and they both want me to take my gift back because my step-granddaughter is left out.
I don’t want to take the gift back. My grandson needs to know someone is thinking of him. I do not feel I am obligated to gift funds to someone else’s child just because their parent has a skewed vision of what is fair.
I will gift the girl some chocolate on Christmas and I think that is appropriate.
My wife has passed away and I have no one to ask so I am hoping the internet will be of some use.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, take the gift back and immediately give it back to your grandson. Just be sure to ask him to hide it better. I’d also think about a way of helping him open a bank account so his mom cant confiscates his funds anymore!
Maybe write him a cheque and have him cash it via an online bank account then all he has to do is get a debit card and he’s on his way. He’s also almost 18 so it might even be better to just wait until his birthday to do all of this. It’s obvious as you say he’s got no one in his corner. His mom clearly disregarded his feelings when she took his money away.
Your grandson literally did nothing wrong and now he’s being punished by his mom for no reason. Whether your daughter likes it or not you being his grandfather have a bond. It’s not your fault or your grandson’s fault that his stepsister doesn’t have anyone who feels that way about her. That kid really has no one on his side! It makes me angry just thinking about it and I couldn’t imagine how angry your grandson is!
And from the sounds of it, this is ongoing.” Rjlv6
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are wonderful to stand up to your daughter for your grandson’s sake. There is a ton of research that tells us that just one adult truly in our corner can make the difference in the direction a young person takes when they are in tough life situations. Those who come out the other side with strength and resiliency had someone who was there for them.
Most often that person was literally just there, with unconditional love, access, approval, nothing exciting or huge. You are this person for your grandson.
‘Fair’ is not equal treatment of everyone. This is an impossible, fake, and inappropriate standard. Equity is our goal, which is that each person gets what he or she needs, from those who can or should provide it. If one of my children needs braces, I don’t make the others get them as well, nor do I go spend the same amount on the others just to make it ‘fair’.
Examples like this are too many to list. Your step-grandchild has other grandparents who very, very likely are spending more time and doing more with her than with your grandson, and that is perfectly okay and understandable.
The joint account idea with yours and your grandson’s name on it, specifically at a bank that will not allow the parent access (you can have a note put into that effect that will come up when a teller opens the account) is a fantastic solution.
You tell your grandson that while on the one hand, it is important not to keep secrets from one’s parents, when it is appropriate, on the other hand, we are not obligated to tell everyone everything, either. We are allowed privacy and autonomy. The deciding factor is impact. Keeping something private/secret that will not impact others is okay, keeping something from someone that does or will affect them personally is not.
In this case, the parent is not truly affected by your gift, so it is not her business to know about it.
Good job Grandpa!” PlatinumRules
14. AITJ For Telling My Daughter That She Can't Have Kids While She Still Lives In My House?
“I (62f) live with my husband (65m) who is my kids’ stepfather. I had 3 kids with my first husband who passed away a few years ago, they are all relatively successful. 2 of them have moved out but one still lives with me, which I don’t mind, but I think it’s time that they are on their own as the others are.
Oldest kid: 30 Male. Moved out years ago, lives with his wife, and they recently had their first baby.
Middle Kid: 27 Female. Married for 2 years, she and her husband live with me while they save up for a place.
Youngest: 22 Female. Lives in a college dorm in another city.
Ever since my son and daughter-in-law had their baby, my oldest daughter has been baby crazy and has been constantly talking about how she can’t wait to be a mom.
I love my daughter but I don’t want a baby in the house. I stopped at 3 for a reason. I don’t want her to live here forever, I want her and her husband to have their own lives, while my husband and I have our own lives by ourselves. A couple of nights ago at dinner, I sat her down and told her my reasoning and told her that if she wants a baby that badly then she and her husband need to start looking for their own place.
She didn’t take it too well and called me selfish and that I only think about myself. Which right now is true, for 30 years I’ve put my kids first and now I want to put myself first. I hardly think I’m selfish for that. I tried to explain my reasoning and her husband said he understood but I know he was angry too. My husband is on my side and says I’m NTJ.
For the past week, my daughter and son-in-law have been ignoring me and only talking to me when it’s necessary.
I told some friends about what happened and most understand where I’m coming from but a couple said that I am the jerk as it wouldn’t matter because it’s not my baby so I wouldn’t have any responsibility for it.
I don’t know what to do, I don’t want my daughter to hate me but I’m getting older and I would like for my kids to be independent while my husband and I can enjoy retirement together.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not wanting a baby in your house. The idea your friends put forward about you not being responsible for the baby is nonsense. The idea that there’s going to be an infant in your house, and you’re just not even going to notice it? Laughable, at best.
That said, and don’t take this the wrong way, but you may not really have as much choice in the matter as you think you do.
Barring you standing there in the bedroom to make sure they’re wrapping it up, they’re going to do what they’re going to do, and if you decide to evict someone because they become pregnant, you could easily find yourself on the losing side of a legal dispute should they take that route.
Also, a question: Why even bring this up so suddenly? I get that she’s talking about how she can’t wait to have kids, but that doesn’t mean that she’s actively trying.
It seems like a weird thing to press unless she’s mentioned that she can’t wait and she is doing something about it. I talk w/ my wife about how I can’t wait until we move out of the city, but I’m not quitting my job anytime soon. Everyone has stuff that they ‘can’t wait’ for, that they are… ultimately, waiting for.
What are the odds that she’s just excited about the prospect of having a baby, and likes talking about it, but has already talked with her husband and they’ve agreed that it’s something they both want to do when they can, not necessarily right now?
I could see it being pretty annoying in that case. I personally hate when someone comes around and forbids me from doing something I wasn’t going to do anyway. To her, this could easily seem like the issue is her being there in general, and not the baby concept, and given your last sentence, I don’t think she’d necessarily be wrong.” cluckles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your daughter is still thinking like a child, basically, you have some responsibility to provide for her. She’s a grown adult and you’ve done your job as a mom; you allowing her to still live with you is a kindness you’ve chosen to bestow upon her out of the goodness of your heart. She seems to think it’s owed to her. Your responsibility towards your adult children is to give them love and moral support as they find their own way in life, to spoil their kids/your grandkids during visits, but not to provide for them and the families they create (unless you choose to).
This silent treatment nonsense they’re giving you while still living in your home, all over a reasonable boundary, is unacceptable and if it continues I’d tell them it’s time to move out.
I hope you draw a hard line here because what’s being asked of you is unreasonable. If you wanted grandkids living with you that would be fine, but you don’t and that isn’t selfish at all.
You have every right to enjoy your later years in peace now that all your kids are grown. I can fully imagine that by my 60s I’d be ready to enjoy living my own life with my husband without a house full of kids. That’s the normal next step in life, at least in this culture.
Be aware though that by drawing this hard line you may be sacrificing your relationship with your daughter if she’s the type to hold a grudge or is never able to see your side of this.
You know her personality best and should make your choices based on what you know. Hopefully, she’ll mature and understand at some point.” LilStabbyboo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You said your kids are ‘successful,’ and I am going to assume your son-in-law is perfectly capable of working, too. There is NO reason whatsoever that they can’t be out of your house tomorrow night. It’s amazing that you are letting them live with you, presumably so they can store up a nest egg, but that’s a privilege and it’s an unnecessary one.
I’d ignore anyone who calls you the jerk here. It’s your home. Baby cries will cut straight through walls. Even if you weren’t responsible for a baby, you know darn well what your ultimate fate will be, Grandma: Oh, hubby and I have to (go to work/go out/do a thing), will you watch Junior? It’ll just be this once! And then they’ll get mad at you if you refuse.
This is how I’d see it: If they are not grown up enough to live by themselves and take care of their own needs, then they are not grown up enough for a baby. They are leeching off you at this point and are being petty about it because they expect you to continue doing it forever. If you really want them out, and they’re not hurting (i.e, both unemployed), start charging them rent and utilities at a fair market rate.” techleopard
13. AITJ For Emailing My Husband's Lover At Work?
“I recently found out my husband was having an affair with someone he met online. She sent him several private selfies, he took her for expensive meals and invited her to our marital home as I was away looking after my sick mother. She’s married with kids, she knows he’s married. AITJ for finding her work email and asking her to stop sending my husband inappropriate selfies as no one wanted to see that, knowing this in all likelihood would not go directly to her but someone lower down.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but you mostly. Your husband violated your trust and marital vows. That is something that you need to address with him. Salting the earth isn’t going to save you any dignity in this situation. Regardless of her marital state, she owes you nothing. Calling her a homewrecker is fine, albeit a little discriminatory, because you’re projecting most of your anger onto her.
You’ve neglected to mention your ‘punishment’ for your husband.
Furthermore, you found her email? That requires effort and research on your part. What you’re doing could be considered harassment and it’s borderline problematic stalker activity. Take the L and walk about with dignity. If you have children don’t let this be the image they see or let them think that this is how a dignified intelligent, emotionally stable person acts.
Take the dude to the cleaners but leave the chick alone. Especially if the chick finds this post. If you post with the intent of destroying her career or making it hard to be seen in a professional manner, she can sue you. Defamation of character is a real thing.” S**********h
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
The post is specifically asking about seeking the affair partner’s work email and emailing her at her place of work when it could clearly get her fired – not whether or not your husband is a jerk, but whether you are or whether you are justified for doing this to the affair partner.
A lot of people have arrangements with their families and spouses to make it work. It is possible her spouse knows and approves, and that she doesn’t know that your husband is a top-notch jerk.
Unless you actually know for sure she knows you don’t approve or that she’s having an illicit affair, you’re the jerk for responding in this way.
If she knows it’s illicit and she’s going behind her partner’s back, it would’ve been better revenge to privately message her husband with evidence and let him handle it.
But seriously, private business is private for a reason.” b********3
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, sure, they are both liars, but you went one step too far. She doesn’t have my sympathy by any means, but being objective is what I am trying to be. Why she sucks and why your husband sucks is obvious, so I’ll only focus on you.
It is more appropriate to go to the lady’s husband directly if you can and to initiate divorce with your husband and take half his stuff than to maliciously get her to lose her job.
If losing her job is an appropriate punishment, then so should your husband lose his (she prob won’t lose her job, but probably at least heightens chances of being on the chopping block). He doesn’t deserve respect in his workplace or to have a decent chance at keeping his job either if she doesn’t. If you think everyone in her workplace should know, then everyone in your husband’s workplace should know.
But you know who else is affected if you do that? Your kids (if you have any) and you.
Similarly, her husband and kids are affected if she ends up losing her job because, whether or not she is faithful, they are still a unit financially and the burden then shifts to the poor sap who didn’t only just find out he has a lying wife but he’s now potentially the only breadwinner.
It would be better for the liar’s husband if he gets his wife to contribute if he was to leave her (especially if her job is a good one). Men also can receive support, and if she has no job or a lesser one because of you, he’ll be the one that gets hit even harder with support. Your move was one step too far.” TurnaKey
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m going to go against the grain and suggest that, while you should definitely be going hard after your husband, if they’ve worked out a ‘cover story,’ she knows that he’s married and knows it’s wrong. And sleeping with her while you’re dealing with a parent’s death?! Heinous.
You’re not 100% in the clear for your actions, but there were definitely some mitigating circumstances that made me tip over into NTJ.” ajackwilder
12. WIBTJ If I Told My Partner I Don't Like Her Christmas Gift To Me?
“I can’t see my significant other on Christmas because we are going to family’s houses. She’s 18, I’m 19 and we both still live at home so yeah. Anyway, we got together tonight, Christmas Eve, to give each other our presents.
I was excited for her to open mine because I got her 3 gifts that I thought she would love. The first was a super soft sweatshirt from Pink, she loves sweatshirts.
The second was a photo book filled with pictures of us together throughout our relationship starting with our first picture together and leading up to this month. The third was a necklace with two silver hearts linked together and our names engraved on them. Now, this was something I had put a lot of effort into. I don’t earn a lot because I’m in school and basically live off of work-study money.
But I saved up $150 to get this stuff.
My SO is not in school, she works full time. She earns a lot, given that she doesn’t pay rent or have to buy groceries because she lives with her parents. She has well over $2k in the bank that is doing nothing.
She had asked me what I wanted a while ago and I said some PlayStation stuff.
I figured that’s what I would get. Nah. Just. Nah
Now I’m not a guy to get upset about money, I’m really really not. But when I opened my gift and it was a pair of Rick and Morty pajama pants, with the $10 sale sticker still on them, and a deck of Uno cards… Well, I was extremely confused. I don’t even watch Rick and Morty, and I certainly don’t sit at home and play Uno with myself.
I really didn’t want to start a fight on Christmas Eve, so I pretended to love my gifts and just carried on like normal until she left. But now I’m sitting here looking at this crap and I want to know if I’d be the bad guy if I said something.
Edit: I’m not upset because I spent more. I decided on the gifts first, and the price came after.
I’m upset because it seems there was 0 effort on her part, shown by the randomness and the price tag left on.
Edit 2: some people still don’t get that I only brought up her income to show that she is not broke and had the means to get a thoughtful gift, not to compare price tags.
I really didn’t expect it to get this weird.
We got everything from she should dump me because I play video games, to I’m an entitled jerk and want her money because she isn’t using it. I kinda just wanted a nice Christmas gift that would make me smile and show she cares. I guess that’s too much to ask.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They’ve been going out for two years and presumably care a lot about each other.
A pair of pajama pants with characters the OP doesn’t even know doesn’t cut it. It shows at best a carelessness at gift-giving and at worst an almost blatant lack of respect for OP and their relationship in general.
It’s completely understandable that you feel hurt by this, and I really think you need to bring it up. If she’s just bad at gift-giving and seems apologetic or embarrassed, let her off the hook and try to have a more detailed list next time.
But if she seems like she doesn’t care or just brushes your feelings off, I think you have all the info you need about how little she cares for you.
But you gotta talk to her about it – don’t just brush it off.” SyzygyTooms
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It’s okay to be disappointed in a gift, especially if she clearly didn’t put much effort in.
But stop short of the ‘I deserve better’ nonsense. You’re an adult, you don’t need Christmas gifts. And giving gifts shouldn’t come along with the expectation of reciprocation. Just because you spent a lot of money and time, that doesn’t mean she’s automatically obligated to.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, as long as you talk to her tactfully, not using the words ‘nonsense’ and ‘I deserve’.
I get why you are hurt. You feel like an afterthought. She is capable of putting a lot of effort into gifts but just didn’t. You now wonder why she didn’t bother. There could be many reasons, and until you know more, it’s just speculation. There’s a change, a disconnect; it would be good to figure out why.
The following possibilities are all just speculation—just think hard about how she has treated you in other facets of your life, and if there have been changes there, too:
Is the reason internal—maybe her feelings for you have changed? Or she’s now showing you her real self, no longer on her best behavior (so not about you but about who she is, just someone not into gift-giving, or not into making an effort for those closest to her, or even making a twisted hot/cold powerplay—yes this could be such a scenario)?
Or is the reason external, such as having a sick grandmother, her new boss yelling at her, and so a stressor that made her distracted? You would possibly know if there was an external factor, but internal factors take time and history to see.
Don’t be blunt with your partner but tactfully discuss what’s changed from last year. Maybe start with talking about how she is doing.
Maybe tell her the bar was set high last year, to how disparate her gift last year is to this year.” Squeakhound
11. AITJ For Breaking The "Pay It Forward Chain"?
“The ‘pay it forward’ chain is when the customer in front of you in a drive-thru pays for your order, the expectation is that you would pay for the person behind you and continue the chain. These are very common where I live and some have even lasted long enough to get news coverage.
This was one of those chains because of how busy this particular location was.
I normally don’t buy coffee, but I was out of creamer and figured I would grab one on my way to go grocery shopping. It’s around 7:30 am so it is understandably busy, there are several cars in front of me, and behind me in the drive-thru, a mini-van full of people.
I order a medium coffee and proceed to the window. The woman at the window who is decked out in Christmas accessories including reindeer antlers says excitedly that the person ahead of me had paid for my coffee and if I would like to pay for the people behind me. I look at the amount of their order which is shown on the base of the window to be $18.24.
Had it been an amount closer to the $2.50 I would have been paying for my coffee I would have simply paid it, but almost $20 was too much. I declined and took my coffee and the woman gave me a scornful look and said in a tone I could only associate with disappointment ‘Have a nice day.’
I did not think too much of this situation until I discussed it with a friend later today.
She said that I should have just paid it because it was Christmas and it’s the season of giving and I was being a ‘Grinch’. I told her that I didn’t think it was fair to have me pay almost 10X as much just for the sake of keeping some chain going.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People seem to think OP isn’t the jerk because they couldn’t afford it, but I disagree with this.
This isn’t even charitable. Even if you were rich you wouldn’t be the jerk. If you want to be generous this holiday season then you could donate to charity or homelessness or something. I just think that this paying it back thing is just a selfish way of making yourself feel better. Who are you even helping? The people behind you might not need that money and they might also not want to pay it back.
If you really want to be charitable, you all know that $20 could be better spent elsewhere. I understand it’s heartwarming and just something nice to do, but it’s not a jerk thing to not do it. And generally, it would be annoying to have to pay for that much when you went into the situation just expecting to pay for a coffee. In this whole situation, some people just paid more for their food and some people paid less.
No one benefitted in a meaningful way.” benedict1a
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you could tell the cashier that you would pay for the same amount you received, instead of the full bill. Easy peasy. You are awful because you got free coffee and broke the chain, the cashier is awful because they’re expecting you to pay a full bill of 4 and not telling you that they could be ‘discounting’ the amount of one coffee.
To get in NTJ you should have refused the free coffee and paid by yourself, so let the people behind you receive the benefit (like skipping you although you are breaking the streak), or the cashier propose you pay forward a coffee for the customer behind you, so you end up receiving a free coffee while paying forward for a coffee (you don’t earn and lose anything, because if you didn’t have someone pay forward for you, you had to pay by yourself anyway).” kingjia90
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I can’t really stand the pay it forwards thing. If you want to donate to make someone’s life better try putting those funds towards a charity or something. Buying my coffee when I’m at Starbucks is completely unnecessary. Honestly, coffee is unnecessary but is really nice to have. And if I’m in line buying a coffee then I can afford it.
The chains are just publicity stunts the company tries to get going. I have broken a couple of chains. Sorry not sorry, if you want to actually help find someone that actually needs help. Just a lazy gesture to make themselves feel better, which seems to be the norm lately. You could always buy a warm coffee and hand it to someone sitting in the cold that looks down on their luck.
But that doesn’t fit into their manic 9-5.” User
I think people really need to watch Pay It Forward again. It's a beautiful movie and the point is to help people in need in small ways whenever you can. Drive a neighbor to a doctor's appt, buy a homeless persona sandwich, help a loose dog find its way home, etc. It doesn't have to be expensive or difficult, it just has to be meaningful for someone in need of some assistance. The people in "pay it forward" coffee chains lost the original meaning behind the saying and people who get pissy about them breaking the chain are even worse.
10. AITJ For Being Annoyed That My Friend Left Thanksgiving Early?
“I’m a first-year college student and I had invited my friend to come home with me for thanksgiving since she didn’t really have anywhere to go. So fast forward to Tuesday and it turns out school is canceled Tuesday and Wednesday so theoretically I could go home 2 days early but I chose to wait until she got off work on Wednesday despite my parents basically begging me to come early.
Then on Friday, she decided to buy a plane ticket home early and not tell me about it until after, despite the fact that this means I’d have to do the 7-hour drive alone. I had to take time away from my family and drive 2 hours to get her to the airport. She said it was because of her anxiety and she just couldn’t be away from home, and I totally get that her anxiety is valid, but I feel like that was rude and irresponsible to do what she did.
When confronting her tho she said her mental health was the priority and if I have a problem with that then I’m the jerk. Thoughts?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I feel like people are using anxiety as a way to cover for themselves to do really rude things. I’m not suggesting anxiety isn’t real, not at all. I have anxiety and that thing is menacing trash.
But using my anxiety as an excuse for bad behavior is wrong. She should have communicated her state of mind/feelings during the trip.
But she can’t cause she has anxiety.
No. It’s not an excuse. For anyone dealing with anxiety, I’m gonna be mad clear. If we keep our experience to ourselves and then blame the world around us for not helping/’catering’ to us we are wrong.
How will anyone know we’re going through something?
‘But I don’t like confrontation.’
Telling someone something isn’t negative. Confronting something only means facing it. If you don’t face it the problem usually evolves into something worse.
So this friend was wrong. All she had to do was pull you to the side and say the week was overwhelming. You and your fam could have adjusted things for her.
If she still wanted to go home you’d have a heads up.
Guys, I’m all about self-care, boundaries, putting myself first, and respecting my mental health but I won’t use my mental health as an excuse for rudeness. NTJ.” Thursdayfriday123
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here since you both had bad communication. If your friend chose to book a flight, it does not mean that you were obligated to take her to the airport.
You could have made it her problem and she would have needed to rent a car or book a shuttle ride to the airport. You also should not have changed your plans for a friend. Instead, you should have told the friend that you planned to drive to your parents on Tuesday and then return back on whatever day. Then your friend could choose to accept it or decline.” iluvcats17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend is using her anxiety to get away with jerk behavior. Of course, her mental health takes priority, but she could have at least talked to you about leaving early instead of buying a plane ticket out of the blue.” take_off_your_shoes
9. AITJ For Prioritizing My Dog Over My Family Thanksgiving?
“I’m a 32F and have had my dog (Oscar) for 10 years. I rescued him from a dogfighting ring and we have had quite the journey together since. I do not have children, but he is like a son to me. I got married a month ago and the approaching holidays are significant for my partner and me to celebrate with our newly formed families.
Unfortunately, the week we got back from our honeymoon we found out Oscar (now almost 11) has lymphoma. Naturally, I am devastated but I have pet insurance that is covering his chemo treatments and he is responding well! This year, my parents are hosting Thanksgiving and have had an unnecessarily strict ‘no dog’ policy in their house.
Background: My parents used to have a dog that not only lived in the house but also underwent chemo.
I have always respected their house rules (although I think they are absurd and my dog is extremely well behaved) and have had a sitter watch Oscar when I visit them. They told me weeks ago that I am able to finally bring Oscar with me to their home for Thanksgiving, as they know with his health I am not comfortable having a sitter watch him.
Since he’s been on chemo, he has basically been my shadow. He follows me everywhere for comfort and obviously I am more than happy to provide that.
Today, I was told that when he is there he will have to be kept in the basement. I threw a FIT. I know my mother and my stepfather are neat freaks so I prepaid for a grooming appointment that includes nail clipping (for their hardwood floors) and a de-shedding treatment on top of a conditioning treatment.
I am going above and beyond to accommodate their expectations and am now being told that 2 days before I arrive he will be kept in the basement. With his fragile state, I told them I am not comfortable with this whatsoever and I was looking forward to our first holiday as a newlywed couple with our side of the family but with this newly developed demand, I simply will not be attending.
They do have a cat but my dog was raised with a cat and has no problems being around one.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Willing to bet there’s an argument on their end— maybe mom said the dog was allowed, stepdad said no, mom overruled and said bring him, and an argument ensued with the basement coming up as a belated compromise.
To me, it seems like they’re trying to accommodate you, breaking their own no dog rule, and you are probably more sensitive than usual due to just coming off the stress of a wedding and the diagnosis. You said you flipped he was going to be in the basement— that seems like a big reaction, but who knows without seeing it.
This leads me to this unpopular but professionally offered opinion:
Sick dogs being coddled can give them serious anxiety, Oscar wanting to be with you 24/7 doesn’t mean he should be. Being sick makes them little sucks, but being coddled makes them feel like they can’t do their part for the pack. It’s been recommended to me (because I am a total coddler) by a behaviorist and vets to just treat sick pups normally, let them have alone time, normal Training and discipline, etc. If you’re this stressed about him being in the basement you might wanna check in with a specialist or your vet about whether this doting is in his best interest. It’s hard to do, but for the best. Sounds like you both have a bit of separation anxiety.” Vadermader
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. God dog owners can be so entitled. Letting him roam around the basement is a perfectly reasonable compromise. It’s not like they’re insisting he is in a crate the whole time or chained up outside. You can go visit him at your leisure, and I’m sure your parents would prefer you to visit but perhaps be a little less visible because you are spending more time in the basement than not being visible at all.
Not to mention you seem to not give a crap about how your parents’ cat feels about the whole thing, plus you are incredibly dismissive of anyone who may not want a dog in their house. Dogs are messy and dirty and it’s frankly impossible to keep a spotless house with a dog around. I am far from a neat freak but my house is still much cleaner than every dog owner’s house that I know.” sfblue11
Another User Comments:
“Hmmm.
Having a no-dogs rule doesn’t make your parents the jerk. Maybe their cat is skittish around dogs or they’re just worried and want to protect their pet from a larger animal (and that’s a reasonable concern no matter how well behaved the dog in question is). Maybe they really just don’t want a dog in the house after going through a cancer battle with theirs.
Or maybe they just decided they don’t want dogs anymore. Regardless, they’re allowed to set the rules in their own house and they’re making a concession to you by allowing the dog to come at all. The thing making them the jerk is that they waited this long to tell you he’d be required to stay in the basement – but is the basement finished or unfinished?
If it’s unfinished then yes, that sucks, but if it’s finished, it’s probably cozy and comfy and a pretty good place for a sick dog to just curl up and rest.
Wanting to be with your sick dog definitely doesn’t make you the jerk either, but ‘I threw a FIT’ really? You could’ve just told them this arrangement doesn’t work for you and you won’t be coming because your dog needs to have access to you at all times and leave it at that instead of throwing a fit.
Plus, if his health is fragile enough that he needs a full run of the house and access to you at all times and a basement isn’t good enough, is it really good for him to be traveling in the first place? I definitely understand wanting to spend your first holidays as a married couple with your families, but the best thing for the dog might actually be to just stay home.
NTJ because they really, really should’ve told you from the beginning that they wanted him in the basement. Throwing a fit is a mild jerk move but if you choose to spend Thanksgiving with your sick dog rather than your family then I’m not gonna judge, I totally get it.
Sending cozy vibes to you and Oscar – I hope he continues to respond well to his treatments.” justadorkygirl
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Feed My Nephew And Niece Meat Products?
“I’m 26M and I’ve been vegetarian for 5 years, and I’m trying to eat mostly vegan as of recent thanks to my partner also transitioning to a vegan diet. My niece and nephew (older sister’s kids) are 4 and 9 respectively, I pick them up from daycare/school a couple of times a week, or otherwise, they spend some weekends at our apartment.
Obviously being vegetarian, I’m not comfortable cooking with meat or having meat and fish at my house.
Also, as my partner and I are trying to eat vegan, we don’t buy dairy products anymore either. Most of the non-vegan stuff we still have are things like I don’t know, leftover butter or some of our nieces/nephew’s cookies and snacks that may contain milk chocolate or something.
Anyhow… My sister and I have been arguing because she wants her kids, especially her nephew to eat more meat when the nephew plainly doesn’t like it.
The problem is that he takes after his dad and has difficulty putting on weight, so she’s trying to limit the number of sugary snacks and carbs he likes to live off, which I get. But then, she doesn’t like it that I give him mock meat – for example, he loves the faux mince meat brand we buy, which is fortified and has protein that my sister’s worried about – or order out veggie burgers/pizza because she thinks I shouldn’t further teach them to like carbs and plant-based substitutes when they’re having dinner at our place.
Meanwhile, as I said, I’m not comfortable with having meat products at my home, nor is my partner. My sister thinks we’re being hypocrites because when we’re out with family or at anyone else’s house, we don’t care what food others have. In my opinion, that’s different because you don’t dictate what people have in their homes or a public space, which is kind of my point: we don’t want to have meat at our home, not even if it’s just takeout.
AITJ for this? The way I see it, yes they’re my sister’s kids, but the apartment’s mine and my partner’s. We should be able to ‘ban’ meat and fish from it if that’s what we want.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think it’s great that you are showing him healthy alternatives to animal products and if he likes them then that’s all that matters.
I think you need to talk to your sister about the health effects of animal products and how protein from plants is just as effective for putting on weight (maybe show her some vegan bodybuilders or something or ‘game changers’). She sounds really misinformed on plant-based diets and I’m concerned that she’s focused a bit much on her kid gaining weight – was this something the doctor recommended?
He will soon be at an age where he can make his own decisions about his diet and it’s important to let him choose what he wants to eat (within reason of course) however restricting animal products because it is your house does not hurt him in any way and your sister should be respecting this.” _emly
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I’m very strongly of the opinion that (sort of a differing expert opinion) if a parent entrusts you with the momentary care of their child, you should do your best to follow any sort of rules they put in place.
It’s not your child just because you’re taking care of them momentarily. On the other hand, if the mother of the children doesn’t want her children to eat what you would be serving them, they should make sure they’re fed before they arrive or supply you with means to give them approved foods that don’t require you to prepare it there.
Even if you are correct in your statements and beliefs about mock meat (I’m not very well-read on it so I’m not going to say yay or nay) you’re still disrespecting the wishes of a parent who has very reasonable rules for their child’s diet.
I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I think it would be a good idea to have a discussion with your sister about making sure you don’t end up with the responsibility of preparing food you wouldn’t want to cook. I also think that you should really assess the cost-benefit of not having meat in your home at all, as it comes at the expense of upsetting your sister and can really damage the relationship between the children and everyone involved. I don’t have kids personally, but I do know that one major thing to understand is that when you welcome them into your life there are a lot of things that will no longer happen strictly on your terms. Sure, you can stick to your values and feel good about yourself now, or you could loosen up a tad and galvanize your relationships with your loved ones by letting them eat a ham sandwich their mom made for them at your apartment.” Gibbnificent
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If anyone is being the hypocrite, it is your sister, you are showing openly, you respect what others choose to have in THEIR homes. She is showing pretty openly, she does not respect what you have in yours, her calling you the hypocrite makes no sense whatsoever. You seem to go out of your way to make sure your niece and nephew are eating healthy, getting the proteins he needs, AND that he enjoys and though the diet happens to be vegan, it does not appear that you are pushing it as a lifestyle choice on him.
What you have fed him could easily be passed off as just a normal dietary choice far as he is concerned. Harsh as it may sound, if she continues to give you a hard time, then tell her to have someone else take care of her children.” Kittinlily
7. AITJ If I Tell My Sister To Not Bother Giving Me Pictures Of Her Kids As Gifts?
“I love my niece and nephew, they are really cute and fun little kids. Since my sister first had them, the only gifts she gives are pictures of them. She gets things like magnets, canvases, pictures books, etc made of them. I always end up just stuffing this stuff in a drawer. I just don’t know what I am supposed to do with them?
I have already seen these pics on social media and they’ve been texted directly to my phone, etc.
I am not saying I expect a different gift instead. I am fine with her not getting me anything, I would rather she spend the money on the kids. Is this cold-hearted? I can’t help but feel it is a tad narcissistic, I have never seen anyone who gives pictures of their kids as gifts to EVERYONE (this is what she gets everyone in the family usually).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I think you’re better off just accepting them and not feeling guilty about stashing them or throwing them out. If she’s giving these to everyone she’s buying them in bulk, so you can’t successfully frame this as ‘please spend the money on the kids’ because ordering one less magnet isn’t going to save funds. Any other way of framing it is likely to cause offense, make you look like the bad guy, and damage your relationship–is it really worth it?
You’re not obligated to do anything with these gifts once you’ve received them.
I have a sibling who gives me a lot of crap I don’t use, and I’ve tried to limit that by saying I am trying to simplify or declutter and don’t want ‘stuff.’ I’ve had some success with that approach, but I’ve had to get over feeling bad about tossing out things they genuinely thought I’d appreciate because otherwise, I’d have drawers full of random useless objects.” franknelsonyes
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Since you aren’t actively displaying/looking at physical copies of the kids’ pictures, it might not be a bad idea to explain to your sister your feelings about them and that you prefer digital over physical. I think your mind is definitely in the right place because pictures (especially school/studio picture prints) aren’t exactly cheap.
I would definitely emphasize that you aren’t looking for a different kind of gift to replace the pics, though.
If the kids do want you to have something though, maybe suggest that you don’t have problems with a drawing or a painting or something. Sure, it might be more junk, but it will take up much less space and certainly be cheaper than having extra pictures/magnets/whatever printed.
The reason for ‘no jerks here’ over NTJ is that giving pics of kids as gifts isn’t exactly uncommon or a jerk move.
But as others have mentioned, this may depend on the age of the kids, relationship dynamics between family members, etc.” steelcityrocker
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, although leaning towards ‘no jerks here’ also.
I think the issue is probably rooted somewhat in miscommunication; that you need to say to your sister you appreciate having a couple of items picturing them, but you do not need yearly additions, if anything a simple digital copy or a photograph to put in an album would be sufficient, but that you are not seeking to add clutter to your life, however cute and personalized it may be.
I do find myself thinking it’s a little weird (perhaps even a little narcissistic, you’re not alone there) and ‘look at me and my kids’ self indulgent to assume people would want that, but some people just don’t think about that, not always maliciously/ignorantly. Perhaps have a word with her, which seems to be the resounding public opinion, and kindly state your stance on photographic gifts – you can’t be the jerk if, as you say, you would rather she spent the money on them and let her know this gently.
I too love my family greatly but display but a few treasured photos, because everything is digital nowadays and personalized clutter really is a bit tacky unless you’re into that.” CyclicalMuser
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This was the standard of gifting on one side of the family when I was a kid – the parents giving a photo or ornament or something with our pictures between the siblings (my aunts/uncles) and grandparents.
As a parent now myself, I know part of the reason is because it’s usually really cost-effective to do. They didn’t exchange gifts otherwise, it was more of a symbolic gift ‘from us kids’.
If you don’t want it, keep it on the fridge for a month or whatever, or maybe make a memory box that you can then gift to the kiddos when they’re much older – they may appreciate those mementos as adults when they start their own families.
But you’ll likely cause a huge rift between you and your sibling if you flat-out say ‘don’t give me one.'” girlofgallifrey
6. WIBTJ For Suggesting What I Think Might Help My Friend With His Depression?
“My friend that I live with recently (a few months ago) told me that he had suffered from depression when he was in his teens, we’re both 24, but was all good now. He’s been a bit off for the past few weeks so I asked him if he’s feeling OK yesterday and he said he’s been feeling depressed for the past few weeks. He said there’s no reason because life’s going great, and he’s going to see a doctor.
I’ve never suffered from depression apart from the normal and natural highs and lows of life (i.e. I don’t know what he’s going through). I like to look at things from a logical, ‘objective’ (as possible) perspective, and with things like mental health, etc that don’t necessarily have a direct or logical cause, I know this sort of perspective can be unhelpful. Because of this, I’ve refrained from making any suggestions about how I think he could improve his life/depression.
I’ve left things up to him, and let him know he can speak to me about anything whenever he needs to.
But to be honest, I really am not surprised that he’s feeling down. He doesn’t live a healthy life:
Ever since I’ve known him, his diet has been atrocious, like 90% carbs and maybe a bit of fruit here or there. His typical breakfast is something covered in butter, no lunch, and then dinner is something very processed or taken out.
He doesn’t exercise. I’ve tried to get him to come to the gym with me but he doesn’t want to. He works a 9-5 and comes home and sits on the sofa.
His sleep schedule isn’t great. He’ll get 4-6 hours of sleep a night and complain that he’s feeling tired, etc.
I’ve offered to join clubs with him, help him get some hobbies, etc, all this sort of stuff but he says that he wouldn’t enjoy that (despite never trying).
I don’t know what the right level of ‘pushy’ is here – I will ask, he will say no, and that will be that – I don’t know if I should be doing more?
Leading on, I know that all the above factors are things that someone who’s depressed might do ‘because they’re depressed’, but it’s tough to know how to help in that sort of situation.
He thinks that this is a chemical imbalance and that his lifestyle has little to do with it. I agree that it’s likely the cause, but to me, it would make sense to try to make improvements before using medication.
So my question here is, would I be the jerk to suggest these factors in his lifestyle are unhealthy and are probably contributing to his depression?
At what point in suggesting improvements/trying to get him to eat healthily/sleep well/etc would I be the jerk?
And if it makes me a jerk to suggest these things, what can I do to help him at a time like this?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ.
He’s already seeking professional help. It’s his doctor’s job to help him make decisions about lifestyle changes, not yours.
The only time you get to tell your friend what you think about his depression or what causes it is if he specifically asks you. Anything else can come off as unnecessarily judgmental, even if you don’t mean for it to be, and can easily backfire.
What you can do is continue to be his friend. Don’t get offended if he’s acting off. If he refuses invitations out, don’t stop inviting him next time too.
Depression is isolating, and it’s made worse because people tend to give up and stop asking their friends to join them. Also, tell him that you care about him and want to help, and ask what you can do. Tell him that you’re available if he wants to talk (or even just hang out and not talk, just watch a movie or something).” samaca229
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It is wonderful that you are concerned about your friend. Depression is a chronic medical condition. Some of the things you described can be the result of depression AND can aggravate it. I think you want to avoid any specific suggestions, just tell him that you are worried that his depression might be creeping back (don’t mention his bad habits just that he seems less engaged or down or something vaguest) and it may be time to consider treating it like he did the first time.
That SHOULD get him to a professional. The professional should recommend medical, therapeutic, and lifestyle ways of improving his condition.
After his appointment, or maybe a few, you may ask ONCE if he would mind telling you what was recommended. If anything aligns with something you do or have wanted to do, suggest that maybe you could do that together. But avoid telling him HOW to do that thing.
Then let him make the next move.
It is really challenging because with anything in life the person who should change is the only person that can make the change happen. But you can help by letting him know 1) you are concerned about him (but don’t mention all the bad behaviors) and 2) you will support him without nagging.” LAC_NOS
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Depression isn’t magically cured by going outside or changing your diet. Your heart may be in the right place, but you show a very poor understanding of this illness.
Your friend is doing the right thing by seeking help, and I assure you, any good therapist or mental health specialist will work with him on management methods that AREN’T just medication. If he DOES get prescribed antidepressants, that is not a bad thing!
There’s still this really gross stigma that meds = bad, and it can ALLLLL be taken away by lifestyle changes. A brain with low serotonin doesn’t care how many changes you try to make if the proper chemicals aren’t balanced.
Also, yes, it can be hard for someone with depression to take care of themselves properly when they’re deep within a depressive episode. Your friend is likely already aware of what he’d like to change but needs PROFESSIONAL guidance in doing so.
Having you (or anyone) say things like ‘just try sunshine! Go eat some veggies!’ etc… can just make a depressed person feel like they’re ‘broken’ and remind them of how bad things have gotten. It’s not that easy to just get up and go. This is, again, another reason why he’s taken the steps to get professional help.
If you want to show you care, just be there for him.
Let him open up to you.” ghulehzombiiqueen
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, though YWBTJ if you jumped in unasked and told your friend what you think would help. Thank you for caring enough to ask first if it’s a good idea. Seriously, that’s huge, and it shows that you truly want to help. Dealing with depressed people is a really difficult tightrope walk; I’ve been on both sides of that equation and there is just nothing simple or easy about either side of it.
The first thing you can do to help is ask him what he needs from you. Try not to judge, just be there, listen sympathetically. I’d say offer opportunities for him to get out and about, but from your post, it seems like you’ve already been suggesting things and he hasn’t been receptive. At that point, you’ve done what you can in terms of getting him to go participate in things.
Any more pushing is likely to just make things worse. The only thing I’d say you can push on is him getting to a doctor, but do it by helping, not by judging. Offer to drive, he’ll offer to make an appointment FOR him if he’s willing. Which will help lower the perceived barriers.
Otherwise, just be there when you can, try not to take things personally, and make sure you keep taking care of yourself.
Depressed people can be draining, and it’s okay to do what you need to recharge.” Mewssbites
5. AITJ For Being Annoyed That My Parents Are Favoring My Sister's Kid Over Mine?
“My daughter Anna is 10. Since she was little she has been a really bright kid, picking everything up much faster than expected. She could speak in full sentences when others could barely speak at all.
When she was 5 her teacher (who has taught for 30+ years) said she was the brightest kid he’s ever taught. She has always smashed her targets and has always been top of her class. She’s doing really well at school. Her teachers all love her and she has lots of friends who she gets along really well with.
My sister has a son the same age, Tommy.
A nice lad who goes to the same school as Anna. They’re in the same year but not the same class and they have different friendship groups so don’t hang out often. Unfortunately, he’s not as gifted as Anna. He struggles academically and his grades are often below average.
The school held assessments recently (not official tests just assessments to see what level everyone is working at).
Anna did really well at everything as we expected. Tommy, also, met his targets in his tests too. The targets weren’t that high but the targets are personal. Anna got the highest grades across the board.
Yesterday evening we all went to my sister’s place. My parents attended, but they briefly left to do some Christmas shopping. Anna and Tommy wanted to go with them which they said yes to.
When they came back they were both in tears. They were selling giant cuddly toys and they both wanted one. My parents didn’t bring too much money and could only buy one and chose Tommy because they were ‘so proud’ that he managed to hit his target grades. Anna spent the return of the car journey crying and calling him mean things like dumb and ugly which made him cry too.
When my parents told me their decision I saw red. So the kid who only just manages to get average grades gets rewarded, and the kid who exceeds all her targets and is the best in her year gets nothing? I was absolutely fuming and had a go at my parents for their bad decision.
We left early and my husband tried to say that I was overly harsh and that I should consider their point of view.
I’m sorry but no. They chose Tommy over Anna even though Anna achieved more. It was unfair and unkind. She sobbed in the car and when we got home, I had to promise to buy her a giant cuddly toy the first chance I get.
Am I wrong to be angry or did they have a point?”
Another User Comments:
“‘Everyone sucks here’ is what I would officially vote but as a fellow parent, you’re definitely a jerk here.
As for your parents – They certainly shouldn’t have bought a gift for only one grandchild if both were there. But unless they are unrelenting jerks, I’m guessing they knew that and there were probably some serious mitigating factors to why they chose to do that. If I had to guess, it was your daughter bragging against her cousin in a completely nasty way. If you trusted your parents or were at ALL aware of the dynamic you’re encouraging, you might have bothered to ask.
For your daughter – She’s 10. That’s easily 4th or 5th grade. She’s WELL beyond the age where she should be doing trashy little name-calling because someone got something she wanted. At worst, one could expect tears and her talking to you when she got home. But she is more than old enough to understand how to put her own wants on hold to acknowledge others.
She could have just come home and talked to you instead of acting out the way she did. If you’re not bothering to address her infantile tantrum, you are doing her and you a disservice.
For you – You’re the jerk parent literally no one wants to be around. It’s nice your daughter excels academically. It sounds like that comes easily to her. It’s important for you AND HER to understand that if she isn’t working hard to make her grades happen, they are not accomplishments.
Anything done that simply is just action, not an achievement. That means that it’s entirely possible that your nephew is making actual achievements while your daughter is just coasting, being allowed to believe that just existing naturally is an achievement. In other words, you are teaching your daughter to believe that she is just inherently superior. She’s not. No one is and the day she actually has to confront that will be incredibly hard for her.
You are setting her up for that – setting her up for an epic failure and crisis of self. You are actively hurting your daughter and stomping on everyone else along the way.
It’s fine to be proud of your daughter. If you have to devalue someone else to do it, it’s not pride. It’s something far, far uglier. Furthermore, you should praise your daughter (not laud her to the whole world or treat her special) for her accomplishments, not whatever she just happens to do naturally.
You wouldn’t praise her for sleeping at this age, right? For being able to eat? Then don’t praise her for what doesn’t take work.” KT_mama
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Grandparents shouldn’t have bought just one kid something, they should have said no and bought them both something cheaper.
You’re massively the jerk in the situation because of how you view your nephew though.
You’ve continuously put him and his accomplishments down despite him meeting his targets. It seems academic stuff comes easily to your daughter, your nephew on the other hand struggles and has managed to hit his targets by working hard, it’s incredibly mean of you to speak about a 10-year-old’s accomplishments in the way that you have. Not every kid is gonna be great at school, he deserves just as much praise as your daughter for what he’s achieved because they’ve both tried, and that’s all you can ask for.
Also, the fact that your daughter lashed out and called your nephew names and you haven’t even picked up on that or mentioned how that is unacceptable in your post is troublesome. Your daughter could have all the intelligence in the world, but if she’s gonna treat people like that and then it gets looked over she’s not gonna grow up to be kind.
OP, you finding it unfair your nephew got a present but she didn’t is fair, but your reasoning for it isn’t.
Stop putting your nephew down and cut the kid some slack, you never know what might happen as the kids get older.” costacups
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Look, 10-year-olds are naturally little idiots. I was. All three of my kids were. Fortunately, we’ve all outgrown it, and hopefully, hopefully, your kids will too. Especially if you take this opportunity to address that your daughter’s tantrum, while understandable, is not acceptable.
Your parents should not have bought one grandchild a gift for doing well without buying a gift for the other who also did well. Especially not right in front of her. That’s bound to cause some seriously hurt feelings, not to mention leaving your daughter feeling like no matter how good she does, it will never be enough.
But you – you need to ease up on how ‘brilliant’ your kid is.
She’s 10. Teach her that while being gifted academically is all well and fine, it’s far more important to be hardworking and kind. And that being really smart actually doesn’t make her inherently better or more deserving than anyone else. Some things will come more easily to her, that’s all.
Don’t ever let your daughter, or yourself, think that the most important thing is how well she does on tests in school, because that will turn your kid into a stressed out, anxious, competitive mess.” MuchTooBusy
4. AITJ For Not Demanding My Son To Apologize To His Mom After He Called Her Names?
“A few years ago my now ex-wife was having an affair and my son caught them in the act.
He told me, and I’m now divorced from his mom. She’s with the other guy now. My son is 19 now and is in college.
I know he has lost all respect and affection for his mom since then, but he’s tried his best to maintain a relationship I guess. I don’t really know much since we don’t talk about her when we spend time together.
I’ve neither encouraged nor discouraged him to repair his relationship with his mother. In my opinion, he’s an adult and it’s his decision to make. I couldn’t care less either way since I have a great relationship with my son and that’s all that matters to me.
Anyway, I get a call from my ex in tears yesterday that my son was very disrespectful to her.
She threw a tantrum and starts accusing me of poisoning him against her and demanding he apologizes to her. I simply told her I’ll talk to him and hung up.
I talked to my son and his exact words were he ‘was sick of her hypocrisy and being morally lectured by an adulteress’. I told him that his mom called him and expected an apology.
He said there’s no way he’ll apologize to her and if I’ll force him to do so. I told him that I’ll do no such thing since it’s not my responsibility to make sure he gets along with his mother and it’s his decision. He was very grateful.
I suppose I could put my foot down and force him to apologize to his mother but then again it wouldn’t be a sincere apology anyway.
Why should I potentially damage my relationship with my son for a person that betrayed me anyway?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you should consider suggesting he see a counselor to work through his feelings about the situation, for his own well-being if not to salvage the relationship with his mother. You should also encourage him to ‘fight fair’ when it comes to disagreements with his mother and avoid name-calling simply because that is something we should all aspire to do.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your son is an adult and he’s 100% capable of forming his own opinions and doesn’t need to apologize for his feelings about your ex’s infidelity. However, calling her names is too far. Some curse words are reallllllly gendered — she had an affair and that’s super messed up, and he’s allowed to be mad about that, but disrespecting her is taking it too far.
You are right that whether he apologizes should be totally up to him, but if I were you I’d talk to him and make sure that he’s not forming a negative opinion of all women based on his mom’s actions.
Walking in on that must have been really traumatic, and you don’t want it influencing him such that he thinks women can’t be trusted. If you’re very certain that he isn’t thinking that way, and it’s just an insult he hurled at his mom, then that’s fine and it’s up to him and his mom to figure out without your involvement.
But as his father, you should make sure he isn’t forming opinions about women that are problematic.” FiftyShadesOfGregg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and let me explain why: though I’m much older, my mom did the same thing to my dad, and guess what? I’m allowed to have opinions on it. Granted, I already don’t like my mother for other reasons, but this is the cherry on top.
Every time it came up in conversation my mother would call my father (who she two-timed way more than he knows) crying and put him in the middle of it. This is an absurd manipulative thing to do.
Stay out of it. Your son is old enough to have feelings of his own, and they are valid. As someone who has been in your son’s shoes, this is a lot to unpack and he just has to work through it.
His relationship with his mother needs to remain separate from his relationship with you.” morbidnerd
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but not for the direct reason.
Your son is not going to be able to be truly happy whilst he still holds so much anger towards his mother (or anyone).
By no means am I saying he needs to or should forgive her, what I’m saying is the words he used are hate-filled and as a parent, you should guide him to let go of hate because it helps him in the long run.
That emotion harms him more than it harms his mother.
Love your kids more than you hate their mother, pushing him to speak respectfully is helping his future interactions and beliefs, the effect it has on your ex-wife is irrelevant.” Reverend_Vader
3. AITJ For Asking My Pregnant Wife To Stop Crying?
“My wife is currently going on around 11 weeks pregnant and she’s stay-at-home with our 4-year-old kid. Even before we got married nearly a decade ago, I always did most of the housework. I did (and still do) about 95% of the cooking (because figuring out a recipe makes her anxious apparently), I do the sweeping and the mopping, I make the grocery lists and go do the groceries, I take out the trash, I do both of our laundries, I do the dishes, so on and so forth.
This is all on top of working a demanding job so, of course, it’s only natural that I’m starting to burn out a little bit. I’ve had this conversation many times with her and she never takes responsibility at all. In some cases, things will get better for a little bit then go back to how it was before. I will say though that it got significantly better, and then she got pregnant again and then the burden shifted back to me again and this is how it’s been lately.
I’ve voiced my concerns about it but she cries her way out of it.
Now, this part is going to seem heartless and like I hate her but I really do not. But my wife is a serial crier. It’s extremely taxing on me because it seems like she is trying to guilt-trip me into giving up, every time I try to talk to her about something that I’m unhappy about.
I’m even afraid to talk about my emotions or do anything by myself because she cries to get me out of it. Example: About 2 days ago I was playing on my PS4, which I rarely do. Maybe an hour or 2 a week. She was sitting next to me, playing a game on her phone and we were just sitting in silence enjoying each other’s company, or so I thought – next thing I know she’s bawling her eyes out because ‘I’m not giving her attention.’
Anyways I talked with her about maybe picking up the load around the house – I know she’s pregnant and I’m not asking her to do a huge amount but she is not an invalid – she can wash some dishes, or clean off some of her puke when she throws up (she gets it all over the toilet) instead of waiting for me to clean it up.
Anything to take the load off of me a bit. She, again, started crying. This time I stood my ground and asked her to stop crying because I felt like she was guilt-tripping me, and I said that something has to change or I can’t continue for much longer. She then went into complete hysterics and had some choice words for me but again I stood my ground because I don’t feel like I’m being unreasonable.
Edit: The crying has been an issue long before she got pregnant.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You made a reasonable request from her. At 11 weeks it’s okay to be tired and not feel like doing anything. It’s not okay to not actually do anything. Especially if it’s something simple like wiping the vomit off the toilet seat for example. When I was at that point I was constantly sick and tired. On top of that, I was taking medication for nausea that made me fall asleep.
I still did the best I could to clean up after myself or do at least partial chores even if my husband had to finish them up for me. I know pregnancy is different for everyone and it impacts everyone differently, but we should all be trying our best to help our partners out however we can.
Aside from the pregnancy, some people cry a lot.
Some people cry at every emotion. It doesn’t sound like from your description that it’s the kind that’s normal, though. Confronting her about the crying and the chores will probably get her into hysterics like you mentioned above because she’s grown accustomed to being able to guilt-trip you this way. I’m not trying to talk bad about her, but at some point, you need to just take a stand and continue the nonreaction whenever she starts acting that way.
It’s no different than teaching your children that tantrums won’t get them what they want. Show her that the crying isn’t going to work anymore and it might clear some of it up.” cbseda
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I’m no doctor, but it sounds to me like your wife may have some undiagnosed mental health issues. Some mental illnesses can cause what appears to be laziness, like depression and anxiety, because they make it harder to function.
If something as simple as a recipe gives her anxiety, that doesn’t sound normal. Also, ADHD can cause a person to appear lazy because it can cause a lack of motivation. (Source: have ADHD, bipolar disorder, and anxiety. Spent my whole life thinking I was lazy, but once I got treatment, I suddenly wasn’t lazy anymore.)
It’s possible she’s not crying to be manipulative. Some people just can’t help it.
Some people are naturally more sensitive than others. Some mental illnesses can also cause emotional dysregulation, and so can ADHD, which could also explain all the crying, and the pregnancy would only make it worse. (The emotional dysregulation caused by my ADHD used to cause me to break down crying anytime someone said anything remotely critical to me. Now that I’m being treated, this no longer happens.)
Her lack of helping around the house needs to be dealt with, but not while she’s pregnant. Pregnancy symptoms can vary from person to person, and some people can have a bad pregnancy and feel like absolute trash. In that first trimester, the fatigue can be insane. When I was pregnant, in the first trimester I felt like I’d been given sleeping pills and could barely function, not to mention nausea.
Just because some people can function during their pregnancy doesn’t mean she can.
There are other possible explanations for your wife’s behavior. She could have a thyroid issue or she could have imbalanced hormones. She could get her hormones checked at an OB-GYN once she’s not pregnant anymore. She could have chronic fatigue syndrome. She should get checked out by a doctor to see if she has any unknown physical disorders.
Of course, it’s entirely possible she’s just lazy and is crying to be manipulative, but either way, she needs professional help. And after she’s not pregnant anymore, she should see a psychiatrist to see if she has a mental illness. Best of luck to you, and I hope the two of you are able to work things out.” manykeets
Another User Comments:
“Whether she had the intention to do this, crying all the time like you describe is emotional manipulation.
You can’t communicate when she breaks down, and she can’t take responsibility for her actions (or inaction).
What I’d suggest you do is begin the conversation with her, and when she starts crying, go silent and just stare at her until she’s bewildered enough that she stops or she just can’t sustain the crying any longer. Then, go ‘great, now we can have a proper conversation’ and continue.
You’re being guilt-tripped, man. Watch out for her also laughing off your concerns/frustrations and not taking them seriously, maybe like saying ‘haha I’m trash, I should really do the dishes later’ and never doing them. In the end, she probably needs therapy or a new therapist if she goes to therapy already. Also, help structure her schedule so it gets easier for her to do chores, and keep in mind that raising a child is a full-time, overtime job.
Also, NTJ. It sucks having someone like this as a loved one, but loving them is still a given.” Nishi_koi
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, pregnancy is a lot of stress on the body, and women’s symptoms can range pretty dramatically, so all the people saying ‘when I was pregnant…’ are kind of overlooking that.
Sounds like your wife is a crier.
Some people just are. And she’s only 11 weeks pregnant so her hormones are probably all over the place and making her weepy. I think telling her to stop crying is the wrong message – while it’s conceivable she’s being emotionally manipulative, most people can’t stop crying on demand. I recommend therapy and also you can just push through and continue having a conversation with her crying.
Telling her to stop isn’t particularly useful. Communicate that you’re not going to just stop talking about your concerns because she’s upset. Maybe she needs a break at that moment but you will be revisiting it.” this_is_an_alaia
2. AITJ For Telling My Brother That He Is Becoming A Helicopter Parent?
“My brother is 45 years old and he and his wife have an almost 2-year-old. They are only going to have one child because of their age, but also because my SIL had a ton of anxiety around being pregnant, how she was going to lose her baby weight, etc.
The issue now is that my bro and SIL seem to be really overprotective of their daughter. She bumps her head really lightly and they are all over the baby: ‘Are you okay???’… multiple times. Like I’m talking not a hard bump at all, just a bit against the wall when picking up a toy. The kid doesn’t even notice. Also, they don’t enforce any discipline at all for anything.
When they visit my parents for dinner, she takes handfuls of food and throws them on the ground. The parents don’t say anything and keep eating. I know that kids play with their food, but aren’t you supposed to teach your kids manners when at other people’s houses?
The last straw was yesterday at my parents’ place. My dad was playing with her and holding her hands when she stepped onto a step and jumped off.
Both my brother and SIL started screaming at him that he should be holding her by the chest when she jumps off, not by the hands. God forbid, she falls and twists her arms if she lands in an awkward position. This step was about 8 inches high.
I took my brother aside and said what the heck. Don’t talk to our dad that way, this isn’t his first rodeo raising kids (there are 4 of us kids and multiple other grandchildren).
Then I said that children are very resilient and that she wasn’t in any danger of twisting her arms at all. He got mad and said she’s not my kid and he’s raising her how they want to. I then called him a helicopter parent in the making and that he’s going to create a child that is anxious and dependent if they are always concerned about protecting their daughter from every little thing.
He’s now mad at me and refuses to talk to me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for a few reasons.
From other comments and responses I’ve read, I know you also have 2 kids and that your dad is a bit of a softy which means you’ve been around the block with kids, and you’re protective of your father. Those two things being said, even if you knew the best way to parent your children, and even if your dad knew the best way for his time to parent you and your siblings as kids, this is your bro’s first and (likely) only child and he feels like he knows the best way to handle his daughter.
Although some of his parenting abilities don’t seem to make you comfortable, there are much better ways to address these specific concerns than telling him he’s on a path to making his daughter have anxiety. That is extremely personal and was absolutely an attack on how you view him as a person, not just a parent.
Also, he is absolutely allowed to set boundaries with your father about ways to play with your niece.
I have a cousin who insists that nobody is allowed to compliment her daughter’s appearances. She believes that our society makes girls put too much thought into looks so she prefers any compliments we give her girls are based on things they choose. My dad (who is on the older side) thinks this is ridiculous but my cousin firmly made that boundary known and has called my dad out for being forgetful and not respecting her preferences.
Your brother is allowed to do the same – he is absolutely allowed to let people know that he was not okay with a situation if it made him feel like his child is in danger. It does matter if she was. He felt it was unsafe and was not comfortable. It’d be like if someone told your children that the tooth fairy was not real when they were really little.
It doesn’t matter but you’d still be kinda annoyed because you’d see it as an insult to your ability to parent and take the time to tell your kids on your own timeline (hypothetically).
As for the food situation, she may be almost two but she doesn’t have the brain development to understand why someone would be mad at her for chucking food anywhere.
Your brother and SIL may just be trying to ignore it so that their daughter will so that when tossing food, she doesn’t get a reaction, and she’ll get bored with this habit. Or not. They may just still be reading about the most effective way for them to handle it. If it bugs you that bad, don’t invite them over for meals.
Or just get over the obvious mess that comes with children.
And for them being overboard with her slightly bumping into things, honestly, I’d be shocked if they didn’t panic. When I was little, the part of my brain that processed spacial awareness was slightly underdeveloped, up until I was about 9 or 10. I had no idea the difference between being 3 inches away from a friend or a foot away.
Sometimes I tripped because I couldn’t tell the difference. Eventually, I caught up and was able to be more aware of my surroundings after a lot of occupational therapy as a young child. As a toddler who isn’t even 2 yet, your niece doesn’t have that awareness either. So although a slight bump or tiny tumble seems absolutely innocuous and fine. But it’s scary for anyone to watch an itty bitty person potentially be in harm’s way.
Although I understand why all of these things bug you, you need to understand that your brother has his own autonomy in parenting his child. There were probably things that you did as a new parent that bugged him too. All parents are annoying in some way. What you said and the way you said it was way out of line. If you wish to address it again, you have to be able to let your brother know that you
a) aren’t comfortable with him screaming at your dad – but you need to be compassionate as to why he did or you won’t get anywhere.
b) aren’t ok with him and his wife not immediately cleaning up any tossed food by their baby – but again be compassionate because children are incredibly messy
c) ignore the fact that they panic over her tiny trips and tumbles.
They are her parents. They are allowed to panic. They are allowed to worry as she is a tiny little person prone to falling until her mother’s skills are more developed. It doesn’t matter if she’s resilient. She’s still a baby and they are scared.” bcpfgrgw0411
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – Your brother and SIL suck because yes, they definitely should be disciplining/correcting their kid’s poor behavior (which is hard at 2, but you have to be consistent) and it’s super frustrating for you all that they’re not.
That being said, if they know this is going to be their only baby, they’re probably overprotective both because they’re first-time parents but also because they know she’s the only one they will ever have. I’m not saying that makes it right that they’re essentially letting her get away with everything/not letting her explore (and it definitely is NOT healthy, don’t get me wrong) but it’s not coming from a place of them not caring enough to discipline.
This is where I think you maybe are a little bit of the jerk because instead of saying ‘hey, I notice you feel very overprotective of your daughter, I’m just wondering if there’s anything you haven’t told us medically or whatever’ or some variation of ‘I know it’s scary but you can breathe a little bit, she’ll be fine, and you’re doing a good job’ you sound like you kind of jumped at him a little bit.
Yes, they overreacted, and they shouldn’t have. But you’re never going to get anywhere you want by basically telling them they’re doing it ‘wrong’. People love to give the answer of ‘jerks had it coming so you don’t suck’ but at the end of the day, that’s not actually going to be your best shot of FIXING this problem.
Talk to your brother, tell him you think he’s doing a good job but that you have some concerns, and then tell them what they are in a loving manner.
No one likes being told that other people think they’re doing a trashy job, especially not at parenting. Bonus points if you yourself do not have kids. I’m not saying your concerns are wrong, or even that you’re wrong to address them, but a gentle reminder that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, and if you want the behavior to change you’re better off trying to have a discussion where you’re not making accusations or coming from a place where you’re annoyed. Good luck!” srose193
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. For the record, lifting children by their arms is bad for their shoulders. I think the throwing food and not disciplining part is bad but unless they’re hurting her there’s nothing you can do about it. She’s their child. It’s nice that you stuck up for your dad because of how strongly they reacted to him, that was wrong of them, but as her parents, they need to set clear rules and boundaries concerning their child.
It’s going to be different from what you might want, but you’ll get the chance to raise your child the way you want when you have one, and you won’t want other people to critique you, trust me. It’s also nice that you’re concerned for your niece but you need to back off a little or offer advice if your bro ever asks.” coffee_sleep_repeat
1. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Fiancé For Not Wanting My Cats To Move In With Us?
“My fiance is getting a new house and we’re moving in next month. We have been together for 6 years (engaged 1 year). I have 2 cats that have been with me for over 10 years.
The house is a brand new built home that will be finished and ready for move-in next month. He does not want me to bring my cats. He said if I bring pets into the home then the house cannot be considered hypoallergenic if he decides to sell it in the future. He also says that the cats will scratch the carpets and get fur all over the place.
I have explained to him that if I get scratchers they won’t scratch the carpet. And if we vacuum often there won’t be much fur.
With the move-in date approaching it has been very stressful and hard to talk to him about this. I end up getting very upset because I am being given an ultimatum after having been together for 6 years.
Am I being unreasonable?
EDIT: Just to clear something up, we have been living together for 3 years with my cats. He mentioned the cats not moving in a few months ago, he didn’t just bring it up now, but in the last couple of months, he has been more serious about it, not joking like he usually did. He wants me to leave my cats with my parents who don’t want cats.
I don’t want to give them up and I also don’t want to leave our relationship.
EDIT: I truly felt like maybe I was being pushy and wanted to see if that’s how others saw it as well. This is something we will discuss, no matter what happens my kitties are staying with me!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and even if he comes around, you should still break up.
If you move in with the cats, he will be extremely resentful and it will build up over the years. He has shown that he has no empathy whatsoever and hates the cats and the inconveniences they specifically cause. It won’t change just because internet strangers agreed wholeheartedly with you. So if you force him into letting the cats move in, your relationship will end anyway, after a lot of pain.
The cat vomited in the night, you saw it in the morning but had to rush to work? Huge argument.
Something came up and you are really busy and exhausted for a few days, cleaning was neglected. He will start a huge argument about how you promised to clean up more in exchange for letting the cats move in.
You got pregnant and ask him to clean the litter boxes from now on?
He will bring up how annoying that is multiple times and make you feel like you owe him, instead of it just being something you should do for your partner.
The kids make huge messes and he doesn’t care, but the moment the cat scratches anything other than his scratcher, he becomes furious. You get scared if he might treat the cats badly, like picking them up in a hurtful way and ‘throwing’ them out of the room when they misbehave.
The cat got old and developed incontinence? Huge arguments and trying to get you to euthanize the cat.
You want to get new cats or foster, or take in a poor stray? Rejected, the huge argument about how every new pet from now on needs to be a joint decision, so he can always veto.
You want to talk to your friends about your marital problems?
They will say that you have to compromise in marriage and ‘just talk it out.'” Legxis
Another User Comments:
“Living with cats means adapting in order to accommodate their natural behaviors. If they are scratching things then protect those things by providing more scratching posts or trying different types of scratching posts – cats can vary in their preference of scratch material.
But whatever compromises you make, ABSOLUTELY NEVER de-claw them, that is an insanely cruel practice and causes the cat lifelong pain and associated problems like arthritis.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like you can convince your partner to continue to accommodate your pets, and that means that you guys have discovered a fundamental rift in the lifestyles you each want to lead. You are not compatible, and it speaks very badly of him that he would expect you to abandon these animals and give you such a nonsense reason for doing so (hypoallergenic house my butt).
I know it’s hard after 6 years but don’t waste any more time with someone who disregards your feelings, your cats’ rightful place in your care, your parents’ wishes, someone who lies to manipulate you, and who just doesn’t want the same life you want. You and your cats can do better.
NTJ.” BeefOnWheels
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I can see where he is coming from since he is buying the house and would want it in perfect condition.
Simply it’s a big purchase he doesn’t want to be messed up, sure he hasn’t had disagreements with you having your cats in your guys’ previous home or wherever you were staying, but things do change. New home and doesn’t want anything wrong with it? I believe trying to understand more from his pov will help you understand his reasoning.” ProjectedNova
And tell your grandson to keep this info private from his mother. And on Christmas tell him you will be giving him and his step-sister a similar type gift (ie-a box of candy) and you will also deposit $ into his account.
Once he turns 18, he can decide how to handle his money & autonomy.