People Pick Their Battles In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Expecting My Husband To Handle His Bin Duty Without Reminders?
“My husband’s in charge of clearing the bins, both rubbish and recycling.
A very easy task yet done imperfectly. When the bins are full, most of the time they don’t get emptied till I ask. In summer, when the bins have been sitting too long, they don’t get emptied till I ask. I have reminders set in our shared calendar that will notify us the night before to put the bins out, and I still have to remind him on some weeks.
This morning, I reminded my husband that the recycling bin is full (my second reminder as I’d mentioned it the night before). Our bins are a bit funny where you can’t lift the whole thing out and tip it outside, so you have to take each recyclable out.
My husband usually grabs as much as he can carry and asks me to pass the rest through a side window. Today, I suggested that he can easily grab a basket, box, shopping bag (all of which are within arm’s reach), fill it up and take it all in one trip.
I did just that to demonstrate, but he got very frustrated and kicked the box that I filled away. I’m not sure if the kick was an accident as it was in the way but his body language reads angry.
Marriage is not about keeping score, but I’ve been struggling a lot when it comes to juggling the mental load of things.
When a household task gets assigned to me (and I’d say 70% of all tasks are) I get everything done on my own but when it gets assigned to my husband, somehow it’s on me to make sure he remembers to do it — and in this instance, a simple task turns into a two person job.
AITJ for not helping him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not refusing to help; you’re just tired of carrying the mental load for something that should be his responsibility. It’s frustrating when a simple task turns into extra work for you, especially when you’ve already reminded him multiple times.
His reaction wasn’t fair—sounds like he’s more frustrated at being called out than at the task itself.” jerk69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sorry, this is absolutely ridiculous. He is a grown adult, he shouldn’t need to be told to empty the bins.
He knows it’s his task, he should be able to look at the bin and know it needs to be emptied. My 2-year-old nephew sounds more aware of the bin than your grown husband is, seriously, that’s just sad. You need to stop babying him.
Leave him to it and let him figure it out. He’ll either simply not do it and you’ll realize how little he respects you and your home, or he’ll figure it out.” imamage_fightme
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Perfection is the enemy of good and done.
Needing them to be done perfectly to your standards leads to anxiety, resentment, can damage relationships, and can hinder success. Maybe have another conversation where it’s explicitly stated that he’s responsible for emptying the bins AND responsible for noticing when they need to be emptied. Noticing when chores need to be done is a critical but invisible part.
It’s part of the mental load many partners complain about, especially wives.” Sheslikeamom
21. AITJ For Not Appreciating My Husband's Birthday Gift Effort?
“My husband (33M) and I (31F) have been married for almost 9 years.
We’ve had a lot of ups and downs. We’ve got 3 kids and he has never put in a lot of effort for my birthday (or any other holiday, for that matter). But we’ve worked through a lot this past year and I know he is trying to put in more effort.
He told me recently that he was going to pay someone to come and deep clean our house as my birthday present. To be fair, I have said many times that I would love to have this done but it isn’t something we need to be spending money on right now so we haven’t done it.
He followed this up by saying that if I didn’t want to spend the money, he would gladly just take the whole day and do it himself. When he told me this, I wanted to be very mindful of my reaction. Again, he has not been in the habit of gift-giving or being super thoughtful when it comes to special occasions.
I told him that I really appreciated the thought and saw the effort that would take for him to do but if he took the entire day to clean the house, I would obviously just be watching my kids and trying to keep them from coming behind him and messing all of his hard work up and ultimately that doesn’t sound like a present.
I felt guilty because I want to praise his effort but I also feel like this “gift” doesn’t feel personal or well-thought-out, despite the effort.
He didn’t seem too upset by my reaction but now I’m afraid he isn’t going to do anything? I’m also feeling a bit frustrated because if the roles were reversed, I would (and have) set something up where he would be able to go do something he loved with his friends and not have to worry about me or his kids.
AITJ for not just letting him do this for me?”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. He presented you with something you said you’d love, but then you said you didn’t want to spend the money on it, so he offered to do it himself, and then you had a new reason you didn’t want the gift. I get it, I’m a Mom.
But if you want the day off without your kids, then why didn’t you just tell him that? It sounds like he’s making an effort but it’s also important for you to clearly communicate your wants if you feel like he’s not meeting them.” GoodbyeTobyseeya1
Another User Comments:
“I think you need start really (very plainly) telling your husband your wants. The way you shot down both suggestions but didn’t offer up an alternative. If, I were you. I’d go back to your husband explain you really appreciate the thought but you’ve now decided what you want… “honey, I’d like you to organise the children to be minded and we go for dinner” “honey, I thought about it more, I’d like a day to myself.
I’m going to organise lunch with my friends. You will take the children for the day.” It’s clear and concise. Some people are just terrible as gifts. My SIL once explained that she’s meticulous with explaining and reminding my brother of her wishes. He would do the usual panic buy, spend too much, she didn’t like it, she would then have to bring it back.
Now, with their system, she picks something, he gets it/does it. And, he the same. It’s obviously really nice when people can do this themselves, but some need help with getting it. Your husband has been bad. He’s trying now and you shot him down.
So, if the relationship isn’t dead in the water and you’re not full of resentment. You meet him in the middle. Tell him exactly what you want and need.” Glass-Intention-3979
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not wrong for your feelings. On the flip side, he probably legitimately doesn’t realize the problem with his idea.
I recently replaced our washer and dryer with a brand new set, pedestals and all. I joked with my wife that those could be her Xmas present. Obviously, I got her an actual present that I put thought into. Because I have learned that a product or service that benefits the family as a whole does not make a good present.
A present should be about the individual. In my wife’s case, I got her an Ember coffee mug. Because she loves her coffee but hates when it gets cold.” Peg_Leg_Vet
20. AITJ For Not Compromising On Renovation Decisions With My Partner?
“I live with my partner, but the house is financially mine (I paid for the deposit, pay for the mortgage, etc.)
I am currently in the process of renovating my house (which I am paying for). My partner and I disagreed on one of the big renovation decisions, and she suggested ‘we compromise and meet in the middle’.
However, I said I will not be doing so, and will be sticking with my choice, which upset her.
I understand that she lives in this house too, and may feel like I am not making this feel like her home, but ultimately I paid for the house entirely, so I believe it should be my say.
I otherwise try to make her feel like it’s her home too, e.g. she has brought in her own decorations and furniture, and I never hold it over her that I own the place. But with such a big decision like renovation, I believe that should be entirely up to me.
AITJ for not compromising?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO: I can’t judge without a lot of questions answered. How long have you been together? Are you planning to be together for life? If you’ve only been together for under a year, then decisions are yours to make.
If you’ve been together for years and are planning a future together, then she should have a say. Regardless, your relationship is likely over. You’ve shown that the place will never be a shared space and that you will hold it over her head forever.” Inconceivable44
Another User Comments:
“Hard to tell. It’s your house as you said, so you can do what you want. But you would totally be a jerk if you are planning to marry that woman and make that house hers in the long run, essentially forcing her to live in a house that doesn’t suit her.
You would ABSOLUTELY be a jerk if you are expecting this woman to cook for you in that same kitchen when you won’t entertain her input on what she would like there. You are arranging your house for you alone, and your GF can tell, so I’m sure you will be living in it alone in the future as well.” wicked-valentina
Another User Comments:
“Open plan is going out of fashion, so I’d leave things as they are. Who wants to listen to the fridge making ice while you’re watching TV? Open plan is only good for young families where children can’t be trusted to be out of sight.
As others have said, no one ever wants a smaller kitchen. You do want a cozy living room without cooking smells, though. The compromise would be to leave things as they are. If the only way you’re including your partner is with soft furnishings that can be removed if you break up, then it suggests you’re not very invested in the relationship at this point.
Not sure I’d go as far as saying YTJ, but I think your relationship needs work, or maybe just time to mature a bit. Renovation can be done anytime. It doesn’t have to be now when it’s causing conflict.” sxsvrbyj
19. AITJ For Taking Back The Coat My Partner's Parents Gave Me After She Dirtied It?
“My partner’s parents brought me a coat for Xmas.
Although it’s a really nice coat I don’t wear it because I work every day and don’t want to dirty it. I only wore it once since being gifted it. Due to my lack of use of it, my partner has taken it upon herself to wear it to work daily.
(I didn’t really like that but don’t want to make a fuss) She said she wears it because her jacket zipper is broken.
I just went to walk the dog and saw the coat hanging up so I grabbed it to go outside.
I go zip it up & I notice sticker residue from when she went to visit a client in the hospital. (You know when you put a sticker on and the rest of it is hard to come off the surface.) That irritated me because although I don’t wear it, that doesn’t mean I don’t value it.
With that said, her privilege is revoked, so I put it in my car.
Am I the jerk? For more context, I recently lost everything that I own in a storage auction.”
Another User Comments:
“I mean NTJ because it’s your jacket. Although I think you should’ve talked to her about it beforehand.
It’s pretty childish to “REVOKE” her privilege when you didn’t even say anything before. But there seems to be a lot of missing context. Your partner’s parents bought you this jacket. She wears it because hers is broken. You’ve lost everything in an auction.
From your explanation, this past year has been hard for you. Did your partner support you during that? How much involvement do her parents have? If her jacket is broken why didn’t they buy her one? What context does you losing everything add to this situation?” anon200006
Another User Comments:
“Very mild YTJ. I think you’re being a little childish in how you go about things. She’s your partner, not some random weirdo who stole your coat and is trying to eat it. (A coat which by the way your partner’s parents gifted to you as a gesture).
If you want it back or have decided you want to use it- just ask or tell her that in a kind and normal way. (If she were to refuse, that’s a totally different story). But you don’t have to build up resentment towards her about it as of now…..
But you’re being weird, especially about the whole “sticker residue” thing. Coats can be dry cleaned and “sticker residue” comes off, but making your partner think that you have something against her, have a problem with sharing, can’t communicate properly, don’t want to be romantic by letting her wear “her partner’s coat”, are petty/childish/overbearing.
Freaking out about “sticker residue”, etc etc can really impact a relationship negatively and take a lot longer to get over vs a simple dry clean (or a spot clean. Rag and soap and water will get that sticker residue off).” Cutiepatootie8896
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. I think it’s absolutely fair of you to be fed up of her wearing it when she went beyond what you are comfortable with, by wearing it somewhere that has left it needing to be cleaned (and stickiness on certain fabrics can be a nightmare, so I totally get that) especially as you were saving it to wear on special occasions so as not to get it dirty.
However, the use of the words revoking and privileges make it sound like you treat your partner like a child. All you needed to say was, “I went to put my coat on and noticed that there’s a sticky patch from a label. I’ll be honest, I’m disappointed as you knew that I’d been saving it for best and it doesn’t feel like you’ve been treating it that way.
Please don’t borrow it again, especially without even asking me.”” DrainpipeDreams
18. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Stop Interfering In My Sister's Relationship Choices?
“My sister (18F) recently introduced to us (my dad, mom, and me) her partner (I think 18 too or 19) who surprised me because her partner was someone that I knew at school (older than me) and was kinda close with after being partnered with him for an event.
Anyways, I noticed my mom seemed a bit disappointed when my sister introduced her partner, and I later asked her when they left to go somewhere. My mom then explained that she thought my sister would get together with her friend’s son—let’s call him ‘Jake,’ obviously false but just for more clarity—which I was just confused about, frankly, because that son already had a partner.
Though my mom reasoned that it wasn’t like they were married yet, and considering how my sister and Jake had always known each other from childhood and whatnot.
I got really annoyed at this because my mom also tried to pair me up with another friend’s son, but he and I mutually agreed we had no interest in each other.
Anyways, back to what happened, I told my mom that she really should just let my sister be since she’s old enough to do what is right and knows what she deserves.
Mom seemed upset with my words and told me that she was only thinking of the best for my sister, but I told her that she should stop trying to interfere with my sister’s choices and that what my sister did was her choice.
She seemed dissatisfied with my words and stormed off, and I heard her complain to my dad that I was becoming unruly, but it seemed like my dad agreed with me because a few hours after that, he gave me a thumbs up.
And while I do have some bias with my sister because she’s the best, I think that her partner seemed pretty good.
Plus, from my experience with him, he was really respectful and never overstepped boundaries. So, am I in the wrong for what I said?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and I think you handled that well. Your mom isn’t thinking of what’s best for your sister; she’s thinking of what’s best for herself (her friend’s son and how cute that will be for her and her friend, and she already knows him so she doesn’t have to bother getting to know somebody, etc).
You were respectful and tried to explain that this is your sister’s decision to make.” Meriadoxm
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. You disturbed your mother’s sense of peace but did so to maintain peace in the long run, trying to prevent your mother from making an error that could have long-lasting impacts.” Expert_Slip7543
Another User Comments:
“My mom did something similar to both my sister and me, and we resent her. She always complains that my sister doesn’t talk about the people she’s seeing and criticizes her lack of interest in marrying someone and having kids. On the other hand, my mom complains that I don’t go out with anyone (I’m seeing someone, but I don’t want to introduce him to her because of how she acts).
As long as the guy is respectful, treats your sister well and has an idea about what he wants for the future (no matter if he’ll keep seeing your sister or not), everything is fine. Your mom is going crazy over nothing. NTJ.” Electronic-Drink559
17. AITJ For Making My Classmate Cry After She Dismissed My Trauma?
“For my college course, we were required to open up about our past for a big assignment.
And it was a group activity. We have been working on this activity for half a month now. The issue that has occurred was.. this one girl in the group kept repeating the same thing. Like, whenever someone else opened up about a traumatic experience, she’d say something insensitive like, “Oh that’s nothing!
My aunt used to…” gonna stop that sentence there for obvious reasons, but yeah.
It was my turn to open up. I spoke on how difficult it was to be a child growing up in the 2000s with adults who didn’t know how to “deal” with children who have disabilities.
Especially since I was the only black girl. At the end of it the same girl goes “Girl it’s not that big of a deal. Suck it up. I’m paying out of pocket for college right now, I’m doing all of this on my own.
My stepfather literally-” so I cut her off mid sentence and I go “Well ok I want you to know that even though our trauma varies on a scale that doesn’t mean it still wasn’t difficult for me to grow up differently than you did.
You literally sit here and complain complain and complain about the same crap instead of think ‘how can I approach this issue?’ At this point, it just kind of feels like you are fishing for others to feel bad.”
I don’t even understand what I said that was offensive to her, but she ran out of the room crying.
I feel bad. Like, terribly bad. But maybe it wasn’t a bad thing? The truth hurts.. I honestly don’t know.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I think, even though she was upset, your response to her reaction to this project was reasonable.
I also think this is an appallingly inappropriate project to give to a group of students, especially since it doesn’t appear as though a professional was present at each group meeting to guide the process. I’m surprised that the only problem was someone who was dismissive – and being dismissive can come from a lot of sources.
That student might actually have lacked empathy and understanding; she might have learned as a child, possibly in response to a trauma, that the best way to deal with it is to minimize and dismiss it, or her reactions could have been rooted in other things.
That’s the risk your teacher ran in setting up such an exercise.” SavingsRhubarb8746
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she repeatedly interrupted you and your classmates to bully and invalidate y’all to make herself feel better during a sensitive and vulnerable topic. I have two questions: 1) WHY would any instructor do this??
Likely nobody in this room is trained to handle these conversations. 2) If the instructor was really gung-ho about this, why didn’t THEY shut her down and tell her to be respectful and explain why what she was doing was so harmful and bad? What a mess.
I’d report the instructor to the school board.” jess_the_werefox
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, for two reasons. An ex once told me (when we were still together) that misery isn’t a competition. It was an important statement for me, and we were talking about someone like your classmate, a topper, who always has to have the last word, the best story, the most suffering.
So first, misery isn’t a competition. As you said, whatever difficulties that you have had are not invalidated or “beaten” because someone has suffered worse. Second-toppers are incredibly annoying. If I were a petty person, I would (possibly in cahoots with your groupmates) respond to this person every time they talk with a “that’s nothing” statement.
Start out small, but then get bigger and bigger and less and less believable. By the end of this, you should be fighting god and winning. But honestly, what sort of crappy assignment is this that you need to talk about your trauma with classmates?” X-Himy
16. AITJ For Donating To My Kids' School Under Specific Conditions?
“A few years back, my family (me 52M, wife 45F, kids 15M and 13M) moved from a big city to my wife’s hometown in order to be closer to her relatives (two siblings and some cousins).
My wife was also quite fixated on having our boys go to the same private school she attended. They had gone to private school in our previous city, though I, a public school grad, had some reservations about it. One concession I insisted on was that we pick a private school with a strong financial aid program, so my kids wouldn’t be in an all-rich enclave.
I’m lucky enough to be pretty wealthy (predates my marriage), and I committed to donating to support financial aid. We found a school that fit the bill. My wife’s alma mater, though, is less strong on financial aid; on the other hand, it is about half the cost of the big city school.
I agreed to have kids go there but used the difference in tuition to give to the school in support of increased financial aid. Over the last few years, I’ve found some like-minded parents and persuaded them to direct giving to financial aid. It now amounts to a meaningful amount every year.
Yet, I have very mixed feelings about this school. Teachers are very kind and supportive, the physical plant is very good, but there is (IMHO) a disproportionate emphasis on athletics and a concomitant lack of academic ambition. My kids like many aspects of the school but complain about being bored academically.
Last year, I came to discover that the vast majority of students who were getting large financial aid packages were athletic recruits for the high school, some from far outside the community (the high school is like 15-20% boarding students). The school was literally going out and “buying” players for specific teams and positions.
I do not want to financially support that approach.
I spoke about this to the other donors in our “group” and we all agreed that as the school’s general fundraising drive approaches this year, we will take a different tack. Instead of donating and letting the school use the money as it sees fit (under the rubric of financial aid), we would fund several scholarships that could only go to a) kids of local families, b) with demonstrated financial need and c) where the kid has demonstrated outstanding academic potential.
Some other parents, who apparently like the athletic emphasis and care deeply about bumpkin league trophies, have heard and think this is a jerk move. Like, “you rich big city outsiders want to change what this school is about!” Well, my wife (relevant maybe to mention she was a field hockey star in HS) is not pleased. I say it’s not so much that she believes it is wrong to prioritize aid the way I’d like to, but more that she is upset that it will hurt her social standing in the school community.
She says we should just take the school as it is and that I should just not donate if I don’t like how they use the money.
So, AITJ for donating only on the conditions I suggested?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. According to your post, the school didn’t start recruiting athletes until you and some other parents started donating to financial aid.
So the parents saying you want to”change what the school is all about” and your wife saying “just take the school as it is” seem to be off the mark. Plus, it is your money. If you feel aiding academic students is more important than aiding athletic students, then that is your choice.
Would the school rather get your donations to support academic students or just not get the donations at all?” mm1palmer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. One of the reasons I don’t donate to my old school when they send me fundraising mail is because they do not have options for specifying how the money is used. They have a similar habit of placing athletics above academics, and without a guarantee that I could provide a gift supporting areas in the arts and sciences that I know could use the help, I’m not interested in donating.
I don’t blame you for wanting your money to go towards something you feel would most benefit students in your local community who actually need the help.” squeaky-to-b
Another User Comments:
“What are your children’s interests? If your wife went to that particular school for sports and your kids are not into sports but into academic pursuits, then why is your wife sacrificing her children’s interests for her social standing?
Perhaps a discussion with your wife about what your children are actually interested in is in order. Are they happy at a sports school? Do they have an opinion on other schools that they may prefer? There seems to be a lack of communication about some really important life-affecting decisions for your children.
What are your wife’s dreams for her children and are they aligned with your children’s dreams? Communication is key and I hope that your children have the education that they need to be fulfilled in life.” dharmasong
15. AITJ For Stopping My Support To My Brother's Ungrateful Partner?
“Would I be wrong for not helping my brother and his partner after saying I’d help?
Both are 19, I’m 23f, and my brother’s partner is 6 months pregnant. When I had first found out she was pregnant, I told them I’d help them get on their feet, along with my family, since they are young and starting out in life. I have completely stopped helping them because anytime she doesn’t get her way, she yells, screams, uses foul language and calls names, her favorite thing to say is we aren’t allowed to see her baby since we don’t do anything to help her.
I have taken them to appointments, I have taken them to 9 pm cravings in a town 30 mins away, I have taken her to the ER over a nonemergency issue, where I didn’t get home till 4 am and had to be back up at 6 am for work.
I have offered them my daughter’s newborn stuff, crib, clothes, bath, wipe warmer, bottle warmer, bouncy seats, baby swings, etc; I have taken them to her hometown 4 hours away on my birthday and had to cancel my plans already made because she got upset. My dad has taken them to multiple appointments as well, bought baby stuff for them, given them money, and bought fast food for her when the baby craved it.
My grandma and uncle, who they live with, allow them to live there, rent-free, bill free, has found them a free trailer to move into, they don’t help out with cleaning, with groceries or nothing.
So I have gotten sick of the threats, of the yelling and screaming.
I’m tired of her threatening to leave my brother and take the baby away as well when she doesn’t get her way, so would I be the jerk if I stopped helping them completely after saying I’d help? The big sister in me is so torn, but I’m completely worn out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for refusing to be victimized by constant emotional blackmail. She is the type of person that no matter how much you give, it will never be enough. The best thing you can do is to stop enabling her greed and immaturity because she and your brother have no motivation to better their lives and take responsibility for their choices if everyone keeps holding them up so they don’t have to face the consequences of their decisions.
But please remain close to and support your brother because it seems inevitable that she will take that baby away as punishment the minute she doesn’t get her way. Your brother, grandma and uncle should start documenting everything and building a case for the inevitable court fight to get visitation.
Where is your brother in all this? I hope he’s not co-signing this outrageous behavior of hers. If he’s just as bad as she is, then the whole family should be prepared to take that baby away from these two.” wisewoman707
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: Be as helpful as you can while still being healthy.
Sounds like right now that means zero help. Perhaps rephrase what you are doing by saying you will help when it will actually be accepted as help. She does not seem to want your help at the moment. If she grows up and is civil, you can reevaluate if you want.
But if you do help, do it on your terms. EG: Don’t cancel birthday plans, just say you aren’t available that day. If she freaks out, then you don’t need to help at all. Be a cheerful giver. If you can’t be cheerful, don’t give.” houseonpost
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, obviously. Me personally, I’d never talk to any of them ever again. It helps that I don’t feel much of an attachment to any of them. Threatening me with never seeing their baby would cause me to laugh a lot. Anyway, you’ll likely need to fight with her/them over boundaries for the rest of your life.
Put a stop to that nonsense now as hard as you can, and hopefully it will course-correct to some small degree in the future.” ColonelBelmont
14. AITJ For Telling My Dad His Phrase Could Be Misinterpreted?
“My dad gets very angry very quickly, sometimes at completely random things. Today, we were having a conversation about calling people ‘good boy/girl’ because he told me that he sometimes calls his students (he’s a high school teacher) that.
I said that most people in our country would make the link to a dog/toddler when they hear someone say ‘good boy’ and because of that, don’t typically like being called one. I then added to do with that information what he will.
He immediately got angry and started berating me for ‘talking to my father like I talk to my friends’ and ‘the disrespect of teenagers these days’ and the like.
I asked my mom and sister about it later, but they were both split, with my sister thinking I wasn’t rude, but my mom was on my dad’s side.
This wasn’t the first time I’ve said something to him before and have him flip out on me because of it either, it usually happens around once a month but I don’t realise if I’m being rude until he’s already shouting, so was I wrong for saying something rude to my dad?”
Another User Comments:
“So… first off. NTJ. Here is the problem with a lot of adults (and especially so if those adults are also parents): they don’t like being told they are wrong, and they especially don’t like when they are decisively shown they are wrong.
Even something as trivial as your situation. The “I don’t like your tone” seems to be a universal sign that when a kid is making way too much sense, rather than go “huh… point taken” they backpedal and react with resentment.. in your case… seems a no brainer that “good boy” is going to make someone think they are being viewed like a trained pet.
Sure, it can be said ironically and be a joke and all that, but generally, your assessment is correct. Dad, rather than acting with maturity and taking in that information, reacted like an immature little kid who is never told “no.” He was not being “a good boy.”” SoImaRedditUserNow
Another User Comments:
“It’s not what you say but how you say it. Saying “do with that what you will” can be pretty condescending, depending on the delivery and context. Sometimes asking a question (and listening to the answer) can help. For example: “Dad, how do your students respond to being called that?” “They laugh about it, why?” “To be honest, it makes me think of dogs and little kids.
Maybe that’s why they laugh.” Your dad isn’t doing anyone any favors with his short fuse, but it is a chance for you to learn some ninja-level conversational skills.” Impossible-Action-88
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Weirdly, while I agree with your point, the disrespect inherent in “do with that what you will” is a CHOICE.
I don’t know your relationship with your father except from what’s here, but choosing to disrespect someone like that is jerk behavior. Is it appropriate jerk behavior? I’d be more inclined to think that if your mother agreed with you. As is… if you’re going to be disrespectful, you don’t get to complain about getting yelled at for being disrespectful.
There’s nothing random about this, OP. You were flippant and rude. It’s very teenager, and I’m not against it. Maybe your dad deserves it. But to be questioning whether it was rude or not is disingenuous. Your father is actually right. You shouldn’t be speaking to him the way you speak to your friends, unless that’s the relationship that you two have built.
(You obviously don’t have that relationship.) Now, you can choose to speak to him however you please, but being rude for the sake of rudeness is jerk behavior.” rockology_adam
13. AITJ For Moving Out After My Roommate's Partner Moved In Without My Consent?
“My roommate and I moved into a house her parents purchased for college. Her brother is planning to move in over the coming summer along with one of his friends.
I have the hall bathroom currently, but after they move in, the two of us would be sharing her bathroom inside the master bed.
The problem I’ve been dealing with for months is that her partner moved in against my wishes. I came home one day and she didn’t ask me, but rather told me that she “kind of just told him he could stay here.” I told her I was uncomfortable with this but to no avail.
The two of them are constantly at it in their room and it can be heard throughout the house every time. They don’t clean after themselves, food is left on open plates in the fridge, oh and yeah he doesn’t pay rent! Neither does she!
She pays the utilities and I have to fork over 700 a month, while her partner who contributes nothing lives here for free! He has a job as well. That money however has gone towards a new motorcycle, grill, and guitar in the last 4 months (despite her claims that he is broke).
I was left here alone with him for 3 days when I finally reached my breaking point. I called her to tell her I was not comfortable living here anymore and very respectfully said I was looking for another place to go and planned on moving out when I found one.
She has yet to tell her parents (who are my landlords) and has been giving me a hard time for moving! I’ve been packing and she acts like it’s so shocking that I have been, when I told her 3 days ago that I had a tour for a place I was solid on booked for the coming weekend.
She’s incredibly difficult to live with, and to save the last remainder of our friendship (and my own dignity and sanity), I made the choice to leave. I’m giving my landlords over a month’s notice formally (no contract was ever drawn up either).
AITJ for leaving?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for leaving. But you should give your actual landlords notice (check but it’s probably 30 days for a month-to-month tenant), not their daughter. You don’t need to give them explanations about why and I wouldn’t. Just a formal “I will be moving out on XTXX and plan to give my keys to daughter.
Please let me know if you’d prefer I give them to you.” The reason I wouldn’t say more unless asked is because you don’t want to make things nasty – they will side with their daughter over you no matter what and you’ll come out the loser.
The most I’d say when asked is that you hadn’t agreed to share a place with a couple and that you’re uncomfortable being there with the partner, often alone. And for the future . . . Just know that the rent is what you agreed with the landlord it would be.
The landlord can decide to rent to you for $700 and to someone else for $0. Someone might rent a house for $2000 and get 4 other subleasers for $500 each, essentially making their own rent $0. This is okay – just focus on if you are getting what you bargained for.
Of course, if you and 3 friends rent the $2000 house and agree to split the rent equally, it would certainly be your business if someone else moved in.” MercuryRising92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Their lack of paying rent you can’t control. Her parents own the place and if they want their kid not to pay rent they can do that.
However, she shouldn’t have moved her partner in when you said you were uncomfortable; that is reason enough to leave. Good for you for putting yourself first. Tell the parents why you are leaving. Tell them daughter’s partner moved in and it makes you uncomfortable.
Tell them that the house is always a mess because neither of the 2 clean up after themselves. Take pictures of your room and the hall bathroom to show that you kept your room clean when you left.” Exciting-Peanut-1526
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The terms changed so you’re under no obligation to stay.
She and her brother aren’t paying rent so you and the other friend would be paying $700 each and now you’re leaving so it will just be the brother’s friend paying $700 despite four people living in the house and causing wear and tear. Her parents might be guilting her that she really messed this situation up and cost them $700 a month.
They probably realize it’ll be hard to find another person to rent under the current situation unless her brother has another friend who needs a place to live.” blueswan6
12. AITJ For Refusing To Pick Up My Daughter After She's Consistently Disrespectful?
“My 19 y/o is having a lot of issues, and I’ve always told her, if you drink and need a ride, we will pick you up.
Since the start of school, she’s been drinking more and more with her roommate/friends. Problem is, she has twice set up a pickup ride with us, then we get there and she’s intoxicated; no longer wants to come home and gets belligerent saying things like she can’t come because we are arguing/she’s an adult/etc. If we try to get her home, she sics her friends on us, who say we have no right to tell our 19 y/o adult to come home and we are crazy/abusive/toxic/etc.
Last night was another night where she went to class, asked my husband to pick her up, then when he got to her dorm that night, she refused to come down. We accused her of drinking, and she started with the “I’m sober, you’re toxic/accusatory.
I won’t come home because you’re arguing with me, you’re toxic”. My husband waited an hour and a half after a 12-hour shift.
Today, she is asking me to pick her up. I refused, saying I will not go there because of the stuff she’s been pulling.
She accused me of neglect, said I’m toxic, and a liar because I told her “We will come get you if you ever need a ride”.
We are currently trying to encourage her to get help but she denies any drinking problem. She is taking an Uber home which is costing her $80 one way.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“First of all, OP, I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. You need to get your daughter some help. If she doesn’t get the help she needs now, she’ll end up developing more problems later on in life. “Today, she is asking me to pick her up.
I refused saying I will not go there because of the stuff she’s been pulling. She accused me of neglect, said I’m toxic, and a liar because I told her “We will come get you if you ever need a ride.”” NTJ. You need to show her the mirror, even if it makes her mad.
Her problems are not an excuse for bad behavior. She doesn’t get to treat you poorly because of whatever she’s going through.” hodgkinthepirate
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Tell her your love has no conditions, but your help does. You cannot/will not go out and pick her up if every time she calls, it is an argument about whether or not she’s ready to leave/who is the most toxic in the relationship.
Let her know you will show up, knock on the door once and let her know you’re there, and then will wait in the car for 15 minutes before leaving. The “come pick me up + argument” merry go round game ends.” quidyn
Another User Comments:
“This is likely going to grow into an addiction, both the fights and the booze. I used to argue with my mom in front of my friends specifically to make my friends laugh and be impressed; it was a jerk move, I’m aware. I suspect your daughter is getting a lot of attention from her friends due to these fits she throws each time, and especially if the booze warps everyone’s recollection of the events, they might even dramatise it.
I’m going to assume the friends are egging her on and finding it fun as well. The solution my parents came up with was to stop interacting. If I was with my friends, they’d stay upstairs and text instead of coming down. If I needed a ride, they’d buy me an Uber.
If they did decide to drive me they didn’t get out of the car and left if I was more than 20 minutes. They had to put up hard boundaries and it made me realize that I wasn’t acting right if my own parents were holding me at arm’s length.
And I know it was tough on my parents to do this but it was necessary. Your daughter might need professional help to deal with the booze use or maybe some version of AA, not because she’s a heavy drinker per se, but she seems to be utilizing booze a lot and it seems to affect her negatively.
Also, family counseling might do you all some good to figure out how you’re being “toxic” and to discuss it with her under the lead of a professional.” NothingAutomatic1035
11. AITJ For Wanting To Disinvite My Bridesmaid Due To Her Toxic Relationship?
“I (25F) am getting married to the love of my life in September of this year. We got engaged in July of last year and announced a date pretty quickly afterward.
Along with that, I asked my six closest friends to be my bridesmaids, and everyone happily said yes.
One of my bridesmaids, A (26F), has been my friend for nearly seven years now.
Last year, she got into a situationship so awful that it started to affect our friend group because we were all so exhausted to hear about her terrible man that we didn’t feel like hanging out anymore.
We knew that she would cry about him for the entire duration of the hangout and we would feel bad for her and give her advice that she would go on to ignore.
This summer right after our engagement, my partner and I planned a vacation for all my bridesmaids to come on, and we spent pretty much the whole week consoling her about her situationship not working out — only for her to get back with him a few days after getting home.
I talked to my other friends, and we all realized we were getting fed up with her behavior, so I decided that I would be brave and be the first to let her know.
I told her everything, and also that her partner wasn’t welcome at my wedding at all.
She told me she wouldn’t invite him because they were «broken up for good» and that she understood I didn’t want to hear about him going forward. During this conversation, I also asked her if she still wanted to be my bridesmaid because I felt like she was becoming more and more distant with me, and she assured me that she really wanted to.
Four months after this conversation, she’s grown even more distant, and I’ve learned from a mutual friend of ours (and another one of my bridesmaids) that it’s because A has essentially started to move in with her partner, and has made another friend group.
She also doesn’t want me to find out that she has gotten back together with him, as if I’m her mother and she’s hiding things from me..? To me, it only shows that she knows she’s not making the right decisions but doesn’t want to admit it.
This has left me pretty jaded. It feels like she’s moved on to another group that validates her relationship, and I feel a bit uncomfortable inviting her into the backstage of my big celebration of love when she’ll barely reply to my texts anymore.
Additional context: she told one of our friends that she couldn’t rejoice when the news of my engagement dropped because my happiness reminded her that her relationship was not working out well. That was back in July but it still stings. Also, I can’t imagine why she would tell our mutual friend and think I wouldn’t hear about it.
Still, I feel like taking away the bridesmaid role would sign the end of our friendship, and I am not ready to say goodbye to her, but I also feel like I put in a lot more effort in our friendship in the last year and a half while she’s moving on to other things and people.
Would I be a jerk if I did that?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, as the person who was the friend who no longer wanted to be a bridesmaid, I would take the hint. I had actually told a bride I didn’t want to be a bridesmaid anymore cause we had a falling out.
She didn’t accept it and I was her bridesmaid. That was 4 years ago; we haven’t talked since and now I’m in all her pictures. It may suck losing a friend but this is a natural progression. You will find out who your really good, true friends are as you get older.” Boopboopdedoop51
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Let her be who she is, if she can’t be her authentic self with you, then it’s time you both just understand you’ve grown apart and are focusing on your respective priorities. Wish her well and the best of luck in her choices, but right now this is the best drama-free choice for you.
“I’m happy to hear you are happy in your continued relationship, but it’s clear we have grown apart during this season of our lives, and that’s okay. I feel it’s best that you step back from your bridesmaid role at this point.
I sincerely wish you only happiness and am grateful for the many wonderful past memories we will always share. I fully support your right to make choices about your own life, as I do as well.”” Antelope_31
Another User Comments:
“Ehhh, I think you are kind of the jerk here.
I’ve had friends in pretty awful relationships. Just because you found your soulmate at 25 doesn’t mean everyone else does. Some have to kiss a few too many frogs first. Toxic relationships can be hard to leave and watching your friend be stuck in one isn’t fun.
I think it’s our job as friends to be honest but always supportive. I.e I’ve said to a friend “listen I don’t see this ending well and I know you can do better… but you are the only one with the power to decide when you are done and until then I’m here if you need me.” I hope you find a way to mend your friendship – life is short and 7 years is a long-time friend.
Friendships shouldn’t be contingent on relationships. I also hope you never find yourself in a relationship pickle later in life and have friends judge and dump on you.” Ordinary-Coat9653
10. AITJ For Asking My Husband To Use Earbuds While Watching Videos In The Morning?
“My (24F) husband (26M) and I live together in a one-bedroom apartment. Right after we wake up in the morning, he checks Twitter and TikTok on his phone to watch short videos for about fifteen minutes. This wouldn’t bother me at all, except that he doesn’t use earbuds.
Not only that, he plays all videos on 2x speed so he can consume the information more quickly. Most of the videos are clips of people talking at a rapid-fire pace.
I have ADHD and find it impossible to think clearly, start my morning routine, or concentrate on checking my own messages while I’m listening to his feed. In addition, I’m sensitive to sound, and, especially given the speed of the videos, hearing his feed feels like the auditory equivalent of someone shining a bright light in my face right after I wake up.
I’ve repeatedly asked him if he can use earbuds, but he says he doesn’t understand why it bothers me, that he never does it while I’m sleeping, that it’s slightly controlling to tell him to stop, and that he’s only on his phone for fifteen minutes.
I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable after all. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to start talking loudly at him until the earbuds go on. Here’s a suggested script. “Well good morning! I know you think this noise shouldn’t bother me so I assume noise I make won’t bother you.
Since I’m awake, I might as well get my thoughts together about what I want to get done today. I thought I’d make a go of getting my email caught up. I’ve still got that annoying request from Jane. She is such a pain.
Jane the pain. She keeps asking…..” (I assume you get the idea). Don’t let him treat you like this. He apparently doesn’t care about your needs so you need to make sure that selfish behavior on his part comes with consequences.” NotThisAgain234
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ for bringing this up with your partner. It’s completely understandable that his behavior would bother you, especially considering your ADHD and sensitivity to sound. You’ve made a reasonable request for him to use earbuds, which would give you the space and quiet you need to start your day without being overwhelmed. It’s also pretty inconsiderate that he brushes off your feelings, especially since it’s something that clearly impacts your ability to focus in the morning.
Him not understanding the problem seems to be more about him not fully empathizing with your experience. He likely doesn’t realize the intensity of how this impacts you. Sounds like you need to make him understand & while this might be petty, it could help get your point across… Next time he wakes up and starts his usual routine, you could make an equally noisy or distracting activity of your own.
Something harmless but attention-grabbing. For example, you could start playing loud music at the same time or watch a fast-paced, loud video on your phone at full volume right next to him. Do it with a smile and say something like, “Oh, I thought we were both enjoying this together now.” If he looks confused, you can then explain how it feels to have noise thrown at you when you’re trying to mentally focus.
The idea is not to escalate things into an argument but to give him a tiny taste of what it’s like for you. Hopefully, after that, he’ll see that his behavior isn’t as innocent as he thinks and will be more willing to respect your request for earbuds in the morning.” William_938924
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!!!! That is the most selfish, inconsiderate, CRUEL thing I’ve heard this week. Your husband is a MONSTER for ruining your energy first thing in the morning and not giving a crap about it. You can tell him I said that. You’re not being unreasonable in choosing to start your mornings in a calm way.
Tell him to use earbuds at a reasonable volume or sleep on the couch. Good grief.” cyan_hit333
9. AITJ For Selling Concert Tickets To My Sisters Instead Of My Friends?
“2 months ago, my 2 friends and I agreed to go to a concert together. I was able to get the tickets for $300 dollars a piece.
I asked both of my friends if they could afford the tickets and they both, very quickly, said “yes”.
Fast forward to now, I haven’t heard from either of my friends for 2 months and this past Monday, I messaged both of them to ask if we were still on for the concert and I haven’t heard from either of them yet.
I mentioned to my sisters the situation and they both said that they would happily go to the concert with me and offered to buy the tickets from me on the spot.
At this point, I want to reach out to my two friends in the way of “hey guys, I’m going to give the tickets to my sisters.
I just haven’t heard from you guys since I bought the tickets, and I didn’t know if you still wanted to go or not. No hard feelings!”
I feel a little guilty that I am giving the tickets to my sisters without having a conversation with my friends first. But I also feel as though I have given my friends plenty of opportunity to say something.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They don’t sound like very close friends, if you haven’t talked or seen each other or even texted in 2 months (even over the holidays, when many people travel/spend time with only family). Someone I’d go to a concert with (or float $300 each for a purchase) would be someone I’m a bit closer to than that.
Enjoy the concert with your sisters. Yes, a specific date for reply/money would have been better before moving on, but in this case…you’re fine. Let us know what the ‘friends’ say, if anything.” Tangerine_Bouquet
Another User Comments:
“In these types of situations (either personally or professionally), it’s good to communicate clearly what you’re going to do, otherwise, you’ll have people feeling justified in their anger at you because they “couldn’t have known” even though they had every opportunity to know and act reasonably.
(State the issue) “I’m planning to go to the concert, but I wasn’t sure if you were still interested since I haven’t heard from you for two months.” (State what you need and a deadline.) “If you’re going, please confirm and pay me $300 for the ticket by the end of the day on Sunday.” (State the next steps if the deadline is not met.) “If I don’t receive payment for the ticket by the end of the day on Sunday, I will sell it to someone else.” NTJ, but your friends might (unreasonably) think you’re a jerk if you don’t communicate clearly that you plan to sell the tickets.” ithasbecomeacircus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve made efforts to confirm with your friends, and their lack of response indicates a lack of commitment. Giving the tickets to your sisters, who are eager to go and will pay for them, is a reasonable decision. You’ve given your friends the opportunity to follow through, and you’re handling it with fairness and clear communication.” Optimal-Entrance3064
8. AITJ For Refusing To Be My Elderly Friend's Caregiver?
“My (F69) friend of over 30 years – let’s call her Nancy – is almost 80. She had a stroke last Friday. She had surgery, and the plan is to release her to her home in 2 days.
I just found out that she has told the hospital that her friends, primarily me, are going to serve as caregivers.
This is an obligation I am unwilling to take on. I am recently retired and taking care of a 95-year-old FIL.
My friend can be difficult and is prone to weaving a pretty story to cover her reality. For example, she lives on a small farm and is fond of letting livestock roam through the house, dropping manure as they go.
She won’t accept this as a problem.
I have a guest room but it’s upstairs and will be inaccessible to her in her current condition. She is telling her caseworker that she has help that realistically will not be there for her. I’m ready to tell the caseworker that she is being lied to.
My intent is to preserve the health and safety of my friend but I doubt she will see it that way.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You do need to let the hospital social worker know you are not able to help her. In the worst-case scenario, she goes to a skilled nursing facility for rehab for a while.
They also need to know about the animals walking through her house. Your friend has some cognitive issues that have affected her judgment. She won’t see that you are being a good friend by being honest, but the reality is you cannot provide her the help she needs, and by being truthful, you are being a good friend to her.” MischiefGirl
Another User Comments:
“I have a feeling my (now former) neighbor did this a lot ….her problems kept getting worse as a result of her not communicating & being dishonest with others. I moved in spring of 2019, by August she had a single car accident & has been in the hospital or rehab facilities on & off since….
didn’t tell the doctors of some medical issues that could (and did) cause more problems…. released from the hospital & goes to a concert that evening, back in the hospital a few days later….burned so many bridges of people wanting to help. She’s been in a wheelchair from spine issues caused by infections, where her lack of honesty with the surgeon about her medical history was a major factor since at least 2021.
She tried moving back in November 2023, but didn’t have proper assistance setup or plan appropriately how she was going to get around….she lasted longer than the 2 weeks I expected….but after a month she was hauled out with a broken hip after apparently breaking it more than 24 hours prior, but didn’t bother calling anyone to assist. For context, my door & the neighbors on the other side of her house are within 25 feet of hers.
So thankful the house finally sold & closed this week…. which means she won’t return…” jennifer79t
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend needs real and dependable help, and that is not you. Her caseworker can’t make informed choices about her post-release care if you do not give her the information you have about the situation.
Too bad if your friend doesn’t like having reality explained to her. You are not going to be caring for her, and the case worker needs to know that.” RavenRaving
7. AITJ For Taking My Partner And Daughter To The Same Country?
“I bought my partner an all-expenses paid trip to Portugal for her birthday. This included first-class airfare, all tours, hotels, meals, rental car, train travel, etc. for two weeks.
This cost me over $12,000. It cost her nothing except for personal items she decided to purchase on the trip.
A few months later, I rented an apartment in Lisbon for a month for my daughter and her friends so they could have a base from which to experience the country.
My partner then complained to me that her birthday trip was not special because I “did the same thing” for my daughter, that I spoil my kids, and that she never wanted to go to Portugal in the first place. She also told me that she had discussed all this with her friends and they agreed with her.
Am I really the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You went above and beyond with an incredibly generous gift, covering all expenses for a luxurious two-week trip. Your partner’s complaints feel ungrateful and unfair, especially since she didn’t express disinterest in the destination beforehand.
Renting an apartment for your daughter and her friends later isn’t comparable—it’s a completely different context. Her reaction suggests a lack of appreciation rather than a valid grievance. You’re not the jerk for being generous to both your partner and your daughter.” Younggod9
Another User Comments:
“Some lady was on here complaining earlier she wanted to use her $12k vacation budget in Italy but her in-laws and husband want to go to Branson, Missouri, USA (Christian Vegas). I feel she and you are a better match. Her husband was a jerk and your partner is a selfish brat.
NTJ, your daughter’s trip had nothing to do with her; it just happened to be in the same country. Does she own Portugal?” Beneficial_Syrup_869
Another User Comments:
“NTJ OP – I think she wanted this trip to be special, and the fact that you facilitated your daughter and her friends at the same location/country took away some of that feeling that it was unique to you both as a couple.
I think if it was anywhere other than Lisbon, it might not have been a problem. It’s like all you can do is gift Portugal so how was her gift special? It might have been expensive but how is it uniquely hers if you do the same for your daughter.
My husband and I have a location we visit as a couple- it’s our thing and I’d probably be upset if he made our location about someone else even our own kids. We’ve taken them all over the world but never there. They can go on their own (because we don’t own the world) but we also don’t need to make it happen.
Sometimes, you’re just stupid about something sentimental. Unless your partner is a total jerk, I genuinely feel it’s about doing the same thing so it’s lost its romance – like buying the same perfume for her and your daughter, just this gift is on a much larger scale.” Kami_Sang
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Continue An Aquatics Program That My Parents Signed Me Up For Without Asking?
“I (13M) am currently on a school break (I’m sure all parents here are aware). My mother (50F) decided to (without asking me at all) sign me up for an aquatics program (sailing, swimming, snorkeling) (all things that I have previous dispositions to not enjoy).
For 6 hours a day. On my holidays. I decided to just go ahead with it all because my mother has a tendency to go from 0-100 in about a second, and my father will rarely, if ever, side with me.
On my first day, I showed up.
I’m the oldest person there by at least 3 years. This is a little kids program. I get on the boat (I am known, and have spoken of my distaste toward sailing before). It is uncomfortable, and due to my ridiculous lanky and tall self (6’3), I always get hit by the boom (the part of the mast that rotates.) I come home, with several cuts (from scraping on rocks while snorkeling), and explain how I wouldn’t like to continue.
My parents say that if I go tomorrow, I probably won’t have to go on Wednesday.
On the second day, pretty much the same stuff happens. I approach my parents, with reasoning as to why I wouldn’t like to continue (lack of people to talk to, activities clearly not being designed for people my age (snorkeling in hyper shallow water, etc), and the fact that I’m not enjoying myself).
My parents simply use the “I’m an adult, so you are wrong” excuse and even yell at me. They explain that they spent money on this (without talking about it to me, and not even telling me anything about it until the day before), and that I should just do it for another day.
I am bruised, sore, and cut. I don’t want to continue, and my parents and I will be having another conversation about it tonight.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.. Good luck OP. I hope your parents come around. This kind of action by your parents and their refusal to listen to you and respect your opinion, which I think is valid here, is the exact kind of thing that creates separation in relationships between parents and kids that festers and builds over time.
My dad and I don’t have a great relationship from many things growing up and consistently/constantly putting my opinion down and making it so his opinion was what mattered is one of the things that is a cause. Each instance wasn’t overly terrible but over time, that built up to a strong dislike of having any conversations with him.
I hope you don’t get to this point with your parents but don’t give up. Keep standing up for yourself to them. Even if you don’t win out now, you are creating a good self-respect habit of defending yourself and your likes/dislikes.” TheDarkHelmet1985
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If it’s your parents’ attempt to get you outside, you pick something you want to do and tell them next time to sign you up for this. Honestly, it sounds like they’re working or out of the house and during your break you can’t be left alone.
So they sign you up. Knowing their motives behind signing you up for these things will help you know how to proceed. Regardless of their motives, they should be choosing something age-appropriate for you and asking for your input.” Exciting-Peanut-1526
Another User Comments:
“As a mom of 3, no you are NTJ.
Yes, you’re a kid and are subject to your parents’ decisions. You still have the right to set boundaries about your body and not wanting to risk further injuries from an activity where you have a history of getting hurt is actually a pretty reasonable boundary.
Let them be mad. Kids are not responsible for the feelings of adults, and adults need to learn to deal with their feelings. If they won’t let up, sit on the beach and make the camp counselors bodily drag you into the water. Stay in the first aid station and demand proper treatment of injuries.
If your parents learn now that you aren’t going to be controlled by manipulative mood swings, it’ll be easier to stop them from trying to control you as an adult.” Floating-Cynic
5. AITJ For Referring To My Biological Daughter As My Firstborn?
“I met my wife when she was pregnant, she gave birth to “Julie” (15).
I’m a stay-at-home dad, my wife works.
Julie’s biological dad isn’t involved, Julie has my last name, two years ago we told her that I’m not her dad biologically but she’s still mine; I’ve raised her.
We have “Olivia” (14) who’s like my mini me, she’s into everything I am and honestly she acts just like me.
Julie has her own interests. We have “Emma” (9), who’s her mom’s mini me, so I think my wife is concerned about Julie feeling left out.
Julie is always involved, my wife goes out of her way to ensure that all children get 1-1 time. We show interest in their clubs and hobbies and make time for them.
My wife has always been concerned as Julie is more sensitive than Olivia. We’ve had her assessed for autism, but she’s not been diagnosed. She currently sees her school guidance officer.
We’ve been talking about having a fourth, but my wife isn’t as interested.
I’ve been talking to my mom, who also sees Julie as her grandchild…and I don’t know what the context is but I said it’s nice because my wife experienced all of Julie’s firsts, and I have my firstborn Olivia…
My wife is upset because I called Olivia my first, I don’t love Julie as much, that I can’t pick and choose. My mom has been trying to talk to her and even took Julie for a sleepover as a way to prove she’s just as much our family as Olivia.
My wife is sure she just wants another grandchild.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So if I understand this correctly, you referred to Olivia, your middle child, as your ‘firstborn’. Why did you do that? You were with your wife from before Julie’s birth, have raised her as your own, so if your only distinction or intended distinction is biology, I think that was tone deaf of you as you’ve spent the last 15 years of Julie’s life being her dad, from birth.
So yes, I can see why your wife was upset and feels there is a dynamic of you feeling (and acting) like Olivia and Emma are your real children and Julia is not. I think you should look inward at what you might be bringing to the table.
Referring to your second oldest child as your firstborn was a misstep. I’ll go YTJ for that and encourage you to think about other things that you might have said or suggested that were in that same vein. Perhaps you aren’t as accepting of Julie as you think you are.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It would be different if you were “stepdad” and came into the mix when Julie was much older, but you raised her. Witnessed all her firsts and her being born. She didn’t even know she wasn’t biologically yours until recently.
It’s VERY strange that you don’t consider her your eldest. I think you need to look inward and think about why. You’re even a stay-at-home dad which makes this even worse. For over a decade, she didn’t even know she wasn’t your bio kid.
Did you refer to her differently even then or now that it’s out in the open, and you feel you don’t have to hide your true feelings anymore? SMH. No way you haven’t treated Julie differently. I don’t think she’s “sensitive”, I think she just knows how to read the room and has been picking up on the fact dad likes her less her whole life and didn’t know why.” Tomatopirate
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There are things that can slip out the wrong way and there are things that don’t leave much space for interpretation. You met “your” child’s mother when she was pregnant so what first weren’t you there for? What would you do if something like that slipped out in front of Julie?
That was probably your wife’s first thought and why she reacted. What you said is quite literally a stepchild’s worst nightmare. You think your stepparent sees you as their child and then the bio kids come around and you’re old news. Also, despite probably seeming to be overreacting to you, I wonder if Julie has ever picked up on your underlying separation.
Children tend to take a while to formulate feelings while being quick to catch people’s vibes towards them. Your wife seems to be the reasonable one here in other parts as well. You live on one income but want a fourth child while you have at least one child with mental health issues.
You have to do some soul-searching to find the reason for your discrepancy between “I tell her she has a different bio dad but I raised her and told her she’s mine” and “My bio daughter’s firsts are the ones that count more.”” Alpacachoppa
4. AITJ For Not Wanting To Participate In A $250 White Elephant Gift Exchange?
“My (29F) family has a tradition where we do a big Christmas get-together every year, and the highlight is the white elephant gift exchange. It’s always been a fun time, but this year, my family decided to raise the price limit to $250 per gift.
I’m honestly a little shocked. I get that inflation has hit, but that’s a lot of money for one gift, especially for something that’s supposed to be fun and quirky, not something super expensive or meaningful. I have a pretty tight budget this year with unexpected medical bills and just general life expenses.
After paying for all my bills and essentials, there’s barely enough left to get by. The idea of spending $250 on a gift is totally unrealistic for me. I’m expected to show up for the family dinner and festivities.
I started feeling like I was being pushed out of the tradition because of my financial situation.
I told her that, honestly, if I can’t participate in the gift exchange, then I might not come at all. I didn’t want to be the person who has to sit awkwardly and watch everyone else exchange expensive gifts when I couldn’t contribute.
Plus, I didn’t want to feel embarrassed about not meeting their expectations. My mom thinks I’m being “petty” and that it’s “just one gift.” My dad says I’m overreacting and that it’s not about the price, it’s about the spirit of Christmas (which, to be fair, I do agree with, but still—$250??).
Some of my siblings are saying I should just suck it up and “join in” because it’s about being together, while others are telling me they agree with me but are still going to participate since the majority of the family agreed to this.
There’s approximately 18-25 people in my family that will be there, and we are still expected to get gifts for our family members as well. I really don’t want to make a big scene or cause drama, but at the same time, I feel like this is a massive financial burden that’s being placed on me, and I just don’t know if it’s worth it to show up and feel out of place…
So, AITJ if I decide to sit this one out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – that’s a shockingly big price tag for a Xmas white elephant unless you are a lottery winner! Combined with the fact that you have actual gifts to buy, I’d message the whole family on one group chat and say “I’ve been advised the gift amount this year for white elephant is $250.
I can’t afford that, so I’m priced out of white elephant this year. Sorry guys. Please take me out of the white elephant list for this year. Have done this on a group chat so no one includes me mistakenly.” Then sit back and watch the chat blow up.
Some nanna or aunt will be outraged and kick off for you and I bet this will encourage others to opt out too.” Witty_Detail_2573
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had a side of the family growing up that did a 50$ exchange, but people would always go way over and some people would ruin it.
Like someone stole a gift once (by the rules of the game) and then asked for the receipt. It was extremely pricey and just tacky to take from someone who wanted it to return it for cash. Other people were extremely ungrateful for gifts. I put a lot of thought into a gift the year I did it for the first and only time and frankly it was disgusting how the person who got my gift behaved (along with the previous story also having happened).
I was fresh out of college and working sixty/seventy hour weeks to pay off my loans quickly, so I bought things on crazy good sales to fit the theme of the big purchase. The whole experience just was not fitting the holiday spirit after all the work I did and they just threw money in.
Now we don’t do holidays with the huge extended family and just do the game gift swap amongst the adults in our more immediate family and it is so funny, most years no one even steals. Everyone is always happy and grateful. Just a lovely holiday always now.
And if people cannot participate or something. We do two gifts (as a couple) and always offer one up. My parents also do the same. Your parents and anyone else should be doing the same instead of pressuring you.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“We made a deal with my family and extended family that no gifts unless they are children.
At some point, we reached a point where we didn’t get any valuable gifts to cousins, aunts/uncles. They were just something to wrap up and gift, so the meaning wasn’t there. Now we only gift the little kids toys and that’s it. Personally, I always take something for the host (a box of chocolates, or a nice cake) that everyone can enjoy.
NTJ and $250 is a lot of money. The people who say “suck it up”, they can give you the money for the gift. Emphasis on the word GIVE, not lent.” CupcakeMurder86
3. AITJ For Not Wanting A Newborn At My Adults-Only Birthday Party?
“I’m having a 30th birthday party.
It’s ladies only and I’m asking people not to bring SOs or kids. It’s not going to be a rager but I want it to be a fun night to let loose a little (lots of moms coming), laugh and have fun.
A friend of mine just had a baby, her baby will be 1 month exactly day of party.
It seems she thinks she should be able to bring her baby, however I am leaning towards sticking to my request of no children, which means she won’t be able to come. From what I hear, she’s upset and doesn’t think this is fair.
She wants to bring her baby. Now this may be selfish but I know that bringing the baby will impact the “vibes” of the party. The focus will be on the baby instead of enjoying our time together. I know that no one else there will obviously be offended or anything like that.
I too am a mom, if I was in her shoes, I would just not go and leave it at that NBD. And if I’m being really honest, I want this day to be about my birthday, not her baby.
I do feel guilty, but I’m a people pleaser.
Also, I want to add that if the roles were reversed, she would 100% ask people not to bring babies as well. She’s actually done this in the past. I’d like to know if I should just comply or stick to my no kids “rule.””
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for a number of reasons. The vibe is no kids. That means all the other women are excited about hanging out without any kids or babies around. She will ruin that for them. It will be unfair if she can bring her baby when no one else was allowed to.
If it’s an adult-only party, then I’m assuming there will be adult-only behaviour, like excessive drinking. It’s irresponsible and downright bad parenting to bring a baby into that environment. Lastly, if she can’t spend one day away from her baby, then she has to miss out on this one event.
Tough luck. That’s life. We all make choices and sometimes that means we don’t get to have our cake and eat it too. When you have a young child, there are lots of things you have to miss out on. That’s a choice a person makes when they decide to have kids.
I’m sure you, or your guests, have missed out on things due to being a parent. We all have. She needs to get over herself.” AriasK
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re allowed to want to have an adults-only gathering for YOUR birthday. It’s not like you are demanding that she come or would be offended if she didn’t show because of the baby.
I’m a fellow parent and have never taken offense over an invitation to something that was explicitly child-free. Having kids means you miss out on social events sometimes. It’s part of life. Sadly, some people see “child-free” on an invitation and always believe they are entitled to an exception.” HandBananasRevenge
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And if I were your friend, I wouldn’t bring my fresh 1mo old baby around a bunch of people either. Baby has no immune system, and it’s flu/RSV season. Once, I had a holiday party. My friend asked to bring their 2-year-old, and I said yes because I’m a people pleaser.
They left the 2-year-old in the living room to do whatever she wanted and ask for toys and food and things (normal toddler stuff). My house wasn’t set up to be easily accommodating for a toddler who needed attention and toddler-safe foods. My friend said the kid didn’t even want to come after all, and they had to drag her to the car to bring her.
Why?!!! Why bring her at all at that point, to a party of all adults. With no kid things to do, and no other friends who had kids to play together. And said friend did not watch the kid the majority of the time, we all had to entertain her.” throwawaypato44
2. AITJ For Refusing To Follow My Dad's Rule Of Not Meeting My Mom's Potential Partners?
“I (25F) have been caught in the middle of my parents’ messy divorce for years. My dad claims my mom was unfaithful, but there’s no evidence, and my mom denies it. Honestly, their marriage was extremely incompatible, and it was bound to end sooner or later.
My dad took the divorce really badly, and my younger sister and I have always tried to be compassionate and understanding. However, after the divorce, he imposed this rule: we are never to meet or interact with any potential partner of my mom’s. He made it clear that he doesn’t want anyone else “taking the role of dad.”
We disagreed but went along with it to keep the peace. However, during a recent conversation, he told me he expects us to follow this rule for the rest of his life. I was dumbfounded. I asked, “Even when I’m 40, married, and with kids of my own, am I still not allowed to meet someone my mom has been with for years if he makes her happy?” He said yes.
He then added that if I did, I’d “stop being his daughter,” and he would cut me out of his life entirely.
I think his fear stems from feeling replaced, which I understand when we were younger. But at this stage in our lives, it feels absurd.
It’s not like a new partner would “raise” us—we’re adults now. I told him I’m not willing to follow this rule forever, and if he chooses to cut me off for that, it will be his decision, not mine. He called it a lack of principles and insisted I would be the one responsible for ending our relationship.
I think this rule is controlling and unfair, and I refuse to let it dictate my life any longer, but I also don’t want to lose my dad. AITJ for standing my ground?”
Another User Comments:
“My parents got divorced when I was 14. My father did exactly this: rules after rules, demands after demands.
My mom’s new partner was not to visit her house. Or to meet us. We were not allowed to tell anyone anything about him. When moving away, he didn’t want to meet if I stayed at my mom’s place. And so on. I finally stopped talking to him at about 26.
Definitely fit the best. Put your foot down now. This behaviour will not stop by itself. If he escalates it’s his choice but placating him only delays what will happen either way.” Deadly_nightshadow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you may not have the choice to refuse his dictate and keep a relationship with him.
You can’t really control what he does (just as he cannot control what you do). Choose the path that seems right to you. I will say, though, that you don’t necessarily need to have this argument in the abstract right now unless your mom is currently seeing someone she wants you to meet.
You can wait until the situation presents itself and then make the choice that seems right to you at that time. (I don’t mean not to think about it; I just mean arguing with your dad about something that might come up a decade from now may cause you a lot of years of borrowed grief, and you could skip that part if you want.)” EsmeWeatherwax7a
Another User Comments:
“Why would he have to know who your mom is seeing? Does he have a GPS tracking tag on you so he knows your whereabouts at all times? Even if he did, he wouldn’t know any of your interactions with others and unless of course there’s a little video camera implanted somewhere that you don’t know about and he’s recording everything you do.
If your mom has someone she wants you to meet, then go ahead and meet him. You are under no obligation to tell your father or anyone else about this. If he asks you don’t have to answer. He needs therapy and it might benefit you as well.” Historical_Gap_5237
1. AITJ For Not Thanking My Husband For Doing Basic Household Tasks?
“My husband (30M) thinks I (28F) am a jerk for not saying thank you for baby-related tasks.
We have a 7-month-old and we both work full time—a few days during the week remotely, and twice a week the little one goes to daycare. I’m up every day at 6:15 am to pump, then I get the baby up and ready if he hasn’t woken up already, make sure he’s changed, has a bottle, has breakfast, is dressed, and is happy while my husband is still asleep or just getting on his work computer.
I telework with the little one on Mondays and Wednesdays (my husband is there both days), but I don’t really get anything done, which is really frustrating because I’m still training in my job and I get anxious trying to balance the baby and work.
Tuesdays, I’m out the door bringing the baby to daycare by 7:30 while my husband is usually still in the shower. He usually asks me to let the dogs out because he’s running late. I pump during the day to feed the baby which also takes time out of my day.
I make dinner every day, and I almost always feed the baby dinner, too. We play on the floor while my husband is on his phone on the couch, which is a little irritating because his baby is doing cute things. Then I start bath time at 7:00, and my spouse will usually fill the baby tub for me.
He’ll also warm a bottle for me. Then I put the baby to bed and we watch TV for a while. I unload and reload the dishwasher and try to start a load of bottles in the sterilizer. If the baby gets up in the middle of the night, he’ll warm a bottle and I’ll change and feed the baby and get him back to bed. I miss sleeping a bit longer on Saturdays.
It’d be nice if I could go back to sleep after pumping in the AM on Saturdays but my husband is usually still asleep.
All of this is to outline my mental load. But, every time my husband does something like unloading the dishwasher, putting dishes in the dishwasher, or doing the bottles, etc., he makes a giant stink: “Did you see I did the dishes?
Did you see I did the bottles? Did you see I took out the trash? Are you gonna say thank you?”
Like, yes of course I noticed, but these are things I do all the time and they are expected of you too? I don’t care if I get a thank you?
Like the other day, I cleaned your work desk because it was horribly dusty, took your dirty dishes every day, and tidied the baby’s room, but I didn’t get a thank you. I also don’t make a stink about not getting a thank you.
Why is it necessary for me to thank you when I have a million other things on my mind? So I say thanks for doing that, but then he gets grumpy that my tone is hateful. I just don’t have the capacity to be all gushy and grateful that he did things that are expected. AITJ for not thanking him?
I just think it’s crazy to constantly say thank you for tasks like this.”
Another User Comments:
“So…you’re raising 2 kids, huh? Sounds like it’d be easier to be a single mother with the baby than it is to also be parenting your husband and fulfilling his expectation of gratitude any time he deigns to do anything remotely useful.
Maybe keep a list of everything each of you do for the baby, each other, or the household for a couple of days and compare them so he can see that he’s expecting you to do 99% of the work and all of the mental load.
(Don’t forget to include when you take time to plan things or make lists or check whether a task needs doing. Obviously it’ll be an extra thing for you to do, which sucks, but if he’s a remotely decent human being, he’ll see how badly he’s failing you.
NTJ. Well, except maybe to yourself, if you knew he was an utter failure at pulling his weight around the house and had a baby with him before getting that problem straightened out first.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you may be inadvertently contributing to this dynamic further without realizing it.
“Then I start bath time at 7:00, and spouse will usually fill the baby tub for me. He’ll also warm a bottle for me.” He’s not doing those things for you; he’s doing those things for your (plural) baby. You need to have a very serious conversation with him during a neutral moment about the imbalance in your mutual responsibilities.
Also, if your job is being jeopardized because your baby stays home on your remote days, it’s time to get daycare on those days as well. If your husband continues to be a lout, it is going to be important that you have your own stable source of income.” Ebyanyothername
Another User Comments:
“I don’t understand the dynamic where spouses don’t thank each other. I see these posts a lot, and I just don’t get it. My husband and I thank each other all the time. I see you did something for the benefit of the household, I’m going to thank you for it.
Neither of us expects it or gets offended if the other person doesn’t say anything. But we do it enough to feel appreciated by each other so there’s no room to feel resentment if it doesn’t happen. I can’t imagine going through life and not knowing your spouse appreciates what you do on a daily basis.
OP you are NTJ, this attitude he has where he MUST be thanked for every little thing he does without showing his appreciation for everything you do to run the household is insufferable. I wish you got the gratitude you deserve.” Prudent_Designer7707
