People Ask Us To Peer Into Their "Am I The Jerk?" Situation
13. AITJ For Ruining My Sister's Future Wedding By Not Wearing Contacts?
“I (25F) was recently set up on a blind romantic outing with a friend of my sister’s (30F) partner (30M). She was really excited about it and refused to give me any details about him but said I’d know him when I saw him, and I did!
It turns out her partner’s friend was my former middle school crush (27M). We went to a small middle school so everything was everyone’s business, so he knew about it. It was sort of embarrassing but I’m also hot now for the first time after losing a lot of weight so I don’t really care.
The issue arose when my love interest (Eric) asked me what happened to my eye. He knew me before I started wearing contacts and encouraged me to take them out if I was comfortable. I have heterochromia – one blue eye, one brown.
Ever since I started high school, I’ve been wearing brown contacts for a variety of reasons. The first is because my vision is awful. The second is for my own comfort – most people are normal about it but I’ve had some people be aggressive about proving that my eyes are fake.
The third is because my sister didn’t want me taking attention away from her during her senior year of high school so she asked me to wear contacts.
After she graduated I stopped wearing them, but whenever I would do anything with her she would request that I wear contacts to cover up my condition.
I do it automatically whenever I see her now because if I don’t, she’ll get really withdrawn and start crying.
Anyway, my sister was really happy that the meet went well and suggested that we all go out together.
We ended up going to a local farm/garden center. I decided not to wear my contacts because my eyes tend to get very irritated with the combination of the heat and the dust – my sister knows this, so I figured her suggesting this particular venue was her way of giving me permission to come in just glasses.
When her partner saw my eyes, he was fascinated. He kept asking me questions about it and making jokes. At the end of the day, he wanted to take a group photo but had us do it inside the store so ‘no one would have to wear sunglasses.’
Afterward, I got a text from my sister saying ‘thanks for ruining a good day.’ I eventually texted her back saying I didn’t want to make things weird but she could have told him about the eye thing beforehand.
She never responded but I got a phone call from my mom a few hours ago berating me for ‘ruining my sister’s wedding’ – apparently, the reason she was so upset was that she’s secretly been engaged for the past week.
Only my mom knew. They were waiting until after my mom’s birthday to announce it. Sister didn’t want her fiancé or his family to know about my eyes until after the wedding so I would look normal in pictures and his family wouldn’t harass me about it, which I sort of appreciate.
I feel really bad that she’s fighting with her partner over me, and I’m kicking myself for not just wearing contacts. I love my sister and I don’t want her to be upset.
Despite her thing with my eyes we’ve always been really close.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
What is up with your sister being jealous of your condition?
She dictates to you whether or not you can wear contacts, so you won’t show her up?
And you comply.
I really don’t understand the relationship. But I don’t have to.
She knew you would need to take out the contacts. She knew she was engaged. She knew her future husband didn’t know about your condition.
She knew these things and yet she still blames you. Sister seriously needs therapy.
How did your mom come to the conclusion that you ruined your sister’s wedding? It hasn’t happened yet. Hasn’t even been planned.
You’re not the jerk for taking out your contacts, but your sister is the jerk for being overly sensitive to the attention your eyes get and all of her other shenanigans.” Ghitit
Another User Comments:
“ESH. First, your sister who is the star jerk of this scenario:
Everything your sister has ever said or done regarding your eyes is awful. She’s been selfish and mean to you. These are your eyes.
They are unique! They are beautiful! They have exactly ZERO to do with your sister.
I cannot BELIEVE that you wore contacts in high school all so that your sister…what? Seriously, what would have been so bad about you just being you?
So your sister planned to make you hide your eyes the entirety of her wedding? That is messed up.
Actually, your Mom gets co-jerk billing on this because your sister should have spent her entire childhood in time-outs until she realized the world does not revolve around her.
Sister’s partner seems to suck too if somehow your genetic gift has caused some issue in engagement. ALTHOUGH, perhaps he is horrified by your sister’s bonkers behavior toward you and your eyes and is now questioning whether he wants someone who treats her sister that way to be the mom of his future kids.
The only reason you get a soft you’re the jerk is that you have allowed your sister to put rules and restrictions on you, and you seem to have bought into believing are reasonable. They aren’t.
If you want to wear contacts for yourself, that’s completely your choice. But being bullied into wearing them bc of your sister’s lack of self-confidence/selfishness/whatever? You have been hiding yourself at the behest of your sister for years.
Even if your eyes are a topic of conversation due to their uniqueness and beauty, if that doesn’t bother you, it shouldn’t bother anyone else. It’s not like you are going to spend the next 3 hours talking about nothing but your eyes.
Geez. Your sister needs a serious reality check. And I hope that you are able to put yourself first in the future.” Aylauria
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I know I’m not the first to say so, but the fact that anyone needs to say so is alarming–not because of you, but because of your sister.
I’m the oldest sibling of three, and I had a lot of attention growing up. I was intellectually and athletically advanced, and I garnered a lot of praise from my parents. This made me sometimes become a selfish jerk to my younger brother–a year my junior–whenever he did amazing things or received his due shine.
My mom and my grandmother (RIP grandma) noticed this, my mom especially because she, like my brother, is a middle child and could empathize with his position in our sibling relationship. They both told me something that may be familiar to a lot of people, but that stuck with me ever since I first heard it when I was 8: “You don’t need to blow someone else’s candle out to make yours seem brighter.” I think your sister needs to understand this same thought: she does not need to dim your light to shine brighter in front of others; you’d shine brighter as two flames, or two lights, or two stars, and be better for it–together.
My brother and I have been close our whole lives outside of that brief period of petty jealousy on my part, and we remain close precisely because I didn’t feed the seed of selfish, insecurity-based toxicity that could have sprouted back then.
We aren’t perfect–nor are we perfect with our third brother, who’s a bit younger than us–but at the foundation of our relationship is a respect for the lights that we each bear, and a true acceptance of the fact that we shine brightest together.
Maybe your sister needs to understand that, too, if she wants to have a healthy and loving relationship with you.” johnnyartista
12. AITJ For Telling My Divorced Sister To Adopt Kids?
“My (35F) sister Hannah (28F) went through a horrible divorce in 2021 and lost her home. I let her live with me for two years so she could save some funds for a new home.
I am a single mother of 2 girls, 9 and 4. We had more than enough space for one more person so we were happy to have her.
She helps around the house, pays some of the bills (even though I told her she doesn’t need to), and is generally sweet.
My daughters love her too. She works part-time and since she spends many hours at home, she willingly took up the role of a babysitter so I wouldn’t have to pay for a nanny/daycare anymore.
Of course I was happy with this.
Onto the issue. I’m glad she takes such good care of my daughter but sometimes I think she takes it too far. She started asking to tag along to school events for my eldest, which wasn’t a problem until she started introducing my kids as hers.
I talked to her about it and told her it’s confusing for teachers if they have contradicting information about who my kids’ parents are. She stopped but only for a while until I learned my new neighbors think she’s my kids’ mom.
I was floored yesterday when my youngest called her mommy in my presence. I asked Hannah what was going on and brushed it off saying toddlers often look at random women and say mama or random men and say dada.
I instantly knew that was a lie because my daughter has never called anyone else mommy. While I was helping my eldest with homework, she told me her sister only calls Hannah mommy because Hannah told them to call her that in public and she was scared to tell me because ‘aunt Hannah will get mad’.
I was furious. I confronted her immediately and her response was along the lines of “You should be happy I treat them well enough for them to see me as a second mother. Your girls are happy to have a second mom as well,” and “I just love kids.”
I was fuming. In the heat of the argument, I told her if she wants kids so much, she should adopt some of her own. I admit this was mean since she can’t have kids and it was part of what caused her divorce, and my family has been calling and texting and calling me cruel for what I said, but I also feel she needed to hear this.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She’s already trying to subtly supplant you. You need to get her out of your home immediately in case she does something far more drastic. Remove her from their school’s lists of approved contacts and explain why.
Write a will that explains you do not want her to have any contact with them should something happen to you.
This sounds extreme, but I’ve seen crazier things happen. Your family also needs to fall in line.
You’re not being mean to her – you are in danger from her delusions.
She is very happy to confuse your children to get her way. What else would she be willing to do that could harm them if it gave her a ‘fix’ of being a mother?
She is also alienating you from them by making them afraid to communicate openly with you. Your sister needs to never be around them ever again. That’s not up for discussion – it’s a fact.
Good luck handling her OP. You may also need a restraining order to keep her away.” Accomplished-Cheek59
Another User Comments:
“NTJ..but seriously..you need to get your sister out. Like yesterday. Depending on the state, she could try to get rights.
I have a friend who is raising her grandkids (parents both deceased) who was very good friends with a childless couple. They started coming to school events, volunteering to take the kids to sports, etc…
All things overwhelmed grandma appreciated because she was grieving too, overwhelmed by raising two preteens, and accepted help from her “tribe”.
The couple got upset when she started getting on her feet and didn’t need as much help.
They first tried the cps emergency custody route and when that didn’t work..they sued for visitation AND WON. They get the kids 2 weekends a month.
Seriously, give your sister an eviction notice, get the kids into daycare Monday, alert the school that no info is to be shared on your kids except with you (and their father if he’s in the picture), that no one should be picking them up except you and start staying out with them (long dinner, park, etc) or in their presence until bedtime.
Your daughter has told you she’s scared of this woman. She’s giving you all the warning you need. Get her out.” Outside_Holiday_9997
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
While I agree with a lot of people here that your sister needs help and might be suffering from some mental health issues and that there could be some risk to your children, I also think that what you said was mean and hurtful.
You were trying to hurt her because you were mad. Which makes you a soft jerk. Infertility messes with your head in some pretty profound ways and for people that haven’t had to deal with it, it’s really hard to understand or comprehend.
I think your sister needs help. She’s doing some messed up things and unless she has a long history of things like this, this is a pretty huge flag that she needs professional help.” Cherisse23
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s time she stops living with you.
Nothing you say will get her to stop as she is now obsessive and only sees herself as right.
A four-year-old would never call another woman mommy ever.
And what’s worse is your older kid is lying to you because she is scared of her aunt being angry. What else haven’t you been told? What has she witnessed or what has happened to her to make her fear her anger and fear telling you?
Time she leaves your home and going forward she only has supervised time with them and never alone. If your 9-year-old couldn’t tell you the truth there is no way you can leave your 4-year-old alone with her anymore.
But first a complete break – 6 months minimum they don’t see each other. So she gets over her obsession and the kids stop hearing this nonsense and confusion and truth-bending.
But honestly, if my kid told me they were too afraid to tell me because their aunt would be angry – they’d never see my kids again.
She’s taught her to be quiet, that is what manipulators do, that means other people can now do the same to your daughter and it could be worse.” Big__Bang
11. AITJ For Setting Up An Office In The Spare Bedroom Without Telling My Husband First?
“I (28f) am married to Nick (30m). I work from home and earn significantly more than Nick, as he decided to pursue his education and is currently in an apprenticeship.
The house where we live is my parents’ old 4-bedroom house which was gifted to me when I turned 18 as they had to move in with my nan due to her health back then.
Now they have her house which is significantly bigger. After the sale and before meeting Nick I had done a full renovation for it to look more modern. Currently, Nick and I have joined savings for a new/better house and I have also got a decent amount that I saved myself.
As the house is a gift and mortgage free, we only pay the bills, which allows us to save more. In no way or form we are struggling with finances and are still able to afford holidays and such.
Now Nick came from a large family and they recently started coming to see us and stay over every other week. It got to the point where I feel cramped in my own house due to how many people there are and how much space they take.
Sometimes they overstay their welcome making it nearly impossible for me to work or concentrate on my hobbies. I’m not mentioning the amount of cooking and tidying up when they are staying or after they leave.
After they left last time I decided I had enough, took some time off work, and converted the smaller bedroom into an office/gaming room which also has a library space and a cozy sofa for me to chill.
I finished soundproofing it just before this weekend.
Nick noticed my workstation was gone but hasn’t asked anything. Last weekend my in-laws came in again and I told Nick some will have to book a hotel as we don’t have space.
That’s when he saw my office. He and his family got upset and they decided to stay at the hotel instead and it was godsent to be able to relax in my own house for once over the weekend.
I was able to catch up with some work too.
Yesterday after they left Nick called me a jerk for setting up an office and not telling him anything. He also demanded I need to return to my previous arrangement and convert it back into the bedroom.
I have reminded him I work from home and need a quiet space to work, as well as it’s my parents’ house and he has never asked me if I’m okay with his family being over so much.
Nick has been sleeping in one of the spare bedrooms and stopped talking to me as apparently I have crossed the line and am a jerk for saying that about his family.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However…
You have let him set up a pattern of being catered to, and disrespecting you and your space. This is going to take some work on BOTH your parts to fix. Staying in the spare bedroom because he doesn’t get his way is the epitome of spoiled baby man.
You need to sit him down and tell him that you are going to counseling and you want him to go with you. Don’t order him to go, ask. It also helps if you give him a letter, with a copy for yourself, of your expectations, for example, that his parents limit visits to once a month, that he helps you clean up after their visit and during their visit, that he helps cook or clean the dishes for meals while they are there.
That your job is as important as his, and you need a quiet area to work, just as he goes off to work for his job, you need to go to a quiet room for your job.
Remind him that you spoke to him about this. You can also sit down with MIL et al, and explain to them that you love them and enjoy their visits, but that they are impacting your ability to do your work and would like to limit their visits to monthly.
Is there any way they can do day visits? Or hubby can go see them?
Then, follow through. GO to counseling whether he goes or not. You need to learn some coping mechanisms and assertiveness.
Don’t move forward on another home until you have things settled here. You will simply add complications to what is going on that you don’t need. Do you have outside projects that need to be done?
What about organizing all those teenagers and hubby into doing them while they are there? That would limit the times they are willing to come visit if they have to work! Good luck!” foxnoir1960
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You seem to be a non-confrontation type, but gotta watch it so it doesn’t become passive-aggressive behavior. It’s not good for you to communicate your needs in a way that makes people angry.
I saw your explanation stating your husband saw what you were doing, but the issue is not the renovation, it is the fact that you used this solution to avoid talking it through.
There’s a major issue your guys have to solve, as he appears to be reluctant in setting boundaries with them and needs time to recharge.
For example, you could have agreed on a scheduled time to have people over and a waiting period before the visits.
That’s what I would have done. Like everyone can come over and stay one weekend, then they have to wait 2 weeks to come over again.” RandomStrangerN2
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
How is it relevant that you make more and you inherited the house?
It seems you view yourself as superior to your partner. You’re married, finances are legally shared. You’re welcome to keep funds separate, but that wasn’t mentioned nor seems relevant to the story.
Converting a bedroom without talking to your partner and letting chaos ensue when his family shows up is such a passive-aggressive, toxic move.
Your partner has no sense of boundaries with family, likely because he grew up with 18 siblings and has never had any boundaries.
He needs to draw a firm line with family about not staying over as it shouldn’t be your burden to bear. He also has to be more helpful when hosting and cleaning as everything should be done together.
You’re both the jerk and need marriage counseling as it seems communication is nonexistent.” c1utch10
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your home and you are free to do with it what you want.
Also holy smokes, that’s a lot of people constantly popping in and out to just wear out their welcome! I come from a large family and we had it pounded in not to wear out our welcomes when visiting kin, be respectful of their space, and clean up after ourselves.
That’s what good guests do.
Your situation with his family sounds exhausting.
Personally, you’ve got a husband problem. I think he sounds really entitled in thinking he can unilaterally just invite a gaggle of people over, allow them to make messes and more work, and leave you to clean it up.
If he can’t grasp that this is too much and overwhelming, you may be at an impasse and may have to make some hard decisions concerning your marriage.
That being said, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders and know your boundaries.
Don’t let him guilt you into anything and I would seek counseling before going together into a bigger house where he would legally have a say over who gets to be in it.
Because this can get a whole lot worse in a hurry if you’re not careful.” Luvscoffee85
10. AITJ For Not Letting My Partner Quit Their Job Unless They Replace It With Full Time Chores?
“I (35) own my house outright thanks to an inheritance from my grandparents.
My partner (34) hates their job, and we’re thinking of them moving in with me once their lease is up. My partner asked if, after they moved in, they could quit their job to reduce the amount of stress they were under.
It would be very easy for me to support both of us, especially without rent/mortgage, and would allow them to either find a different job or do something they enjoy. I do enjoy my work, so I’m happy to keep working.
I told them sure, but in exchange, they would have to do 40 hours of chores. I said if there were one or two chores they absolutely hated, I wouldn’t mind taking care of those, but since we had no pets or children and have no plans on getting any, it should be easy for them to take care of the rest of the chores by themself.
That way we can both relax at the end of the day in a clean house. Besides, I honestly don’t think there are even 40 hours of chores to do. I keep the house relatively clean by myself, and with a Roomba that runs daily, the only daily chore would be cooking and dishes.
Laundry is once every week or two depending on how much we would make, bathrooms would be once every two weeks, dusting once a week, taking out the trash once a week, etc. I pay a company to take care of the yard.
The house isn’t a mansion, and I’m able to get these chores done on my free days, so it should be more than easy to break up the chore list into one or two tasks a day, get everything done during the week, and still have plenty of time to relax the rest of the day.
Of course, if they got a new job I’d be happy to split things evenly.
They threw a fit, saying I just wanted them to be my servant, and that chores should be split equally.
I normally agree, but if one person is just hanging out all day and the other works, the person hanging out all day should do more of the house care, so that the division of labor to actually run a home is more equal. I said if they didn’t want to do the chores, we could keep them split, but they would have to keep working as well.
I wouldn’t pay for them.
This upset them even more, and now they’re giving me the cold shoulder. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“There seems to be a consensus here that your partner is a moocher.
I am not sure about that. Just as likely no jerks here and it was just a poorly handled conversation on both your parts.
You likely hit a raw nerve with your partner and this deserves a better conversation between you two.
Asking for 40 hours of chores was a weird approach. Why did you choose that number? Just because it’s the traditional work week? That does make it seem like your partner would be trading their job to be your full-time domestic employee.
That’s gotta feel crappy to them and just seems so tone-deaf overall.
On the other hand, you’re entitled to not wanting to totally support the household.
What if you now said something like, “Hey, I’m sorry about the way I phrased it, but I feel like there should be an equitable split of everything needed to support the household.
The house still needs maintenance and there’s X, Y, and Z also. What do you suggest?” If your partner is not looking to just be a loafer, that would encourage more of a constructive conversation and maybe some more creative thinking than “40 hours” of chores which you yourself said you don’t even really need. Maybe there’s some other stuff you do need and they can help.
Or maybe they would want to work part-time and pay for something else that you’d like.
The point is, unless you think they just want to mooch off you, it could be that they were just reacting badly to the way you set this up, and you cut any creativity off at the knees.
Try for a reset.” JHSMesq
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, at all! This is your partner, not your spouse. Marriage would dictate a different type of consideration, but since you’re not married and you’re just thinking about letting your partner move in, absolutely if they want to quit their job, they should want to do most of the chores around the house because you’re doing all of the work that brings in the finances.
It’s more than a fair trade-off, and I would say it’s extremely generous of you to be willing to let them quit their job and not bring any finances into the house, and all they would have to do is keep up the house.
Maybe I’m reading too deeply between the lines but your partner’s response is kind of indicative of perhaps the type of person they are? What you are offering is more than fair, it goes above and beyond and yet their instant reaction was to claim that you’re just agreeing to let them move in so you can have slave labor?
That screams entitlement, it screams laziness, and it screams that your partner actually did expect to be able to move in and relax, kick back on the sofa, watch TV all day long, shoving bonbons into their mouths.
Basically existing off of your hard-earned money and apparently was expecting you to take care of all of the household chores as well. Nope, no way, seems like this whole situation proves to you that you just dodged a bullet, my friend.” LuvLaughLive
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for the comment about 40 hours’ worth of chores alone. 40 hours is the equivalent of a 100% job – which is too much for a lot of people. There is nothing wrong with working a part-time job and there is nothing wrong with your partner needing a break after a stressful job.
They can’t ask you to provide for them, of course, and it would be reasonable if they did most of the housework while you’re at work, but the way you worded this sounds incredibly entitled and jerkish.” justnotmything94
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and take this pause your partner has effectively engineered to have a complete rethink about this. Your partner is expecting not only to not have to pay half of the living costs (energy bills, water, food, gasoline costs, and property taxes) but also to behave within the house as if they were still contributing financially and for you to then do half of the household chores.
They haven’t even moved in and they’re arguing hard for a non-equitable split of monetary costs/household chores. The very suggestion that they might need to keep working has them sulking and trying to manipulate you into doing what they want.
They don’t like the stress of working – yeah, well that’s true for at least 90% of the working population. Welcome to adulthood. They basically see your inheritance and the monies you earn working as 50% theirs.
Do you really want to invite someone that entitled into your home? Even if you’re besotted now, will the relationship really provide so much that you’re happy to give them everything whilst getting next to nothing back?
How much can they care if they’re happy to use you in this way?” cynical_old_mare
9. AITJ For Telling My In-Laws That They Can't Visit Unless They Call First?
Set those boundaries!
“Recently my wife (29F) and I (32M) bought a house.
I told her family that they are welcome if they want to visit, they just have to ask first, and because we have a newborn baby, I also told them that for now, we will be hosting only short visits with the baby’s grandparents with no more than 3 people at the same time.
I’ve never been a social person; I’ve never visited anyone before asking or being invited, and nobody has ever visited me without asking first. Not even my parents. I thought that was a common rule of basic education, but who knows, that’s why I’m asking if AITJ.
As soon as the baby was born, they started coming without asking, staying from morning ’til evening and regularly making a mess in our kitchen. I told them that we don’t need help (I work from home and my wife is on maternity leave), but they are welcome to visit.
On Sunday, my wife’s parents, siblings, and nieces showed up, we were asleep, and they called like 20 times, after that they started sending pics of our entrance saying they’re outside. Finally, they woke me up, I went out and told them we were asleep.
They wanted to go in but I assume they saw my face at the time and just left.
Yesterday my wife was not at home, I was changing the baby’s diaper and suddenly my father-in-law starts to video call me like crazy.
I finished baby duties and called him back. He was angry and yelled at me about why wouldn’t I open the freaking door. That was it, I waited until my wife came back and talked to her father and mother, I told them that they have to ask/call before coming.
My wife’s mom freaked out and told me that if she has to call, she’ll never come back. My wife’s dad was like “dude I called you like 5 times,” so I told him what’s the freaking purpose of calling if he does it when he’s already outside.
It’s our home, our rules, our privacy. So they got pretty mad, and that made my wife upset. She agrees with me, everyone has to call before visiting. We could be busy, or not at home, or not wanting to see anyone at the time, but her parents and siblings seemed so freaking casual about it that I’m starting to doubt if AITJ and everyone can show up to everyone’s place anytime.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, stick to the boundaries you set. If they try to push it set harsher boundaries….like only coming over on invite from you both (not just your wife so they don’t guilt trip her).
What the heck is this whole familial squad dropping by thing? Siblings and nieces etc oh my gosh just no. They can come invited and ALONE. And have a timed visit. 2h is enough socializing when you got a newborn that doesn’t need old people’s germs around him/her, especially with people that might do something unfortunate like kissing your child on the mouth – please watch out for that and make it a hard NO rule, I have seen a kid almost die from getting a number of icky things from their grandma, even from minor illnesses.
If push comes to shove show your wife this post, she’s easily manipulated due to years of exposure to their bullcrap, but she has a new family now, you and your child. You’re what she needs to nurture and cling to.
Entitled people can take a number and wait to be invited over.” Ok_Mood_5055
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… These are reasonable boundaries. Why don’t you post a sign on the door that reads “Baby sleeping, please do not knock or ring doorbell – please call or text before visiting.
Just let it generally be known that your pref is for planned visits only. Text if you are in the neighborhood, and we will let you know if we are able to receive company. (I think you’ve done this, maybe a social media post with a family picture.”Thanks for understanding.”)
You have done a great job setting the boundaries, and now it is time to enforce them. “Sorry, we can’t have anyone in at the moment, as we are getting some needed rest.” “Thanks for coming, visiting hours are almost over; we need to get a few things done before going to bed.” Or “we need some quiet time.”
Find the phrases that sound natural to you and practice saying them out loud. It helps. Seriously. Practice with your wife. Make up new ones. Make it fun.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, my husband and I have established this rule with our families as well (we are due in a few days with our first baby).
No one is allowed to just show up and if they do, they’re not coming in. You’re allowed to rest and have privacy in your own home. You are trying to learn how to take care of your new baby and work out a schedule with your little family.
They are being extremely entitled and clearly don’t care that their unannounced presence is bothering you and your wife. You are allowed to set boundaries and rules and if they can’t follow them, they don’t just get to break them because they just decide to show up at your house.
Calling ahead means setting up a time for a visit that’ll work for everyone, it does not mean for them to call while they’re waiting outside of your house. Plus if you aren’t responding, shouldn’t that be enough of a sign to them that you are busy?
Not to mention if they are going into your house and making messes instead of being helpful, they really don’t need to be there. You and your wife are already dealing with a huge life change, you don’t need to be picking up after other people on top of it.
ETA: my MIL showed up randomly a few weeks ago and let herself into our house. She said she wanted to invite us to ice cream and that she had texted both of us but never heard anything.
I was half unclothed when she walked in and immediately hid. My husband told her she needed to leave and if she didn’t hear back from us there was a reason. He spoke to her over the phone later that day and told her to absolutely not do that again, if she doesn’t hear from us, assume we are busy.
We’ve changed our combination lock number and she has not shown up unannounced since.
Because this is your wife’s family, being firm with the rules should really come from her especially if her dad thinks it’s okay to swear at you about your boundaries.” National-Delivery-29
8. AITJ For Only Making Lunches For My Two Youngest Kids?
“I (37f) have 4 children and a husband. All of my children are school-aged (5, 7, 10, 13) and my husband is 39. I make all of their lunches for the next day for them. It’s usually a PbnJ, chips/crackers, and a yogurt every day.
It’s cheap, easy, and they all like it.
Sometimes if we have takeout or pizza or something the night before, and a member didn’t finish their portion, they’ll get it in their lunch the next day.
This is especially the case for my 7yo who doesn’t eat much at once and will likely be the case for my 5yo as she eats the same way. Additionally, sometimes I’ll use a different jelly or crunchy peanut butter with the creamy, or use honey instead of jelly, or sub and use a turkey and cheese.
Plus the side is switched up regularly, and the yogurt flavor is always different. So there’s lots of variety within a sandwich, side, and yogurt.
With that being said, I understand that having the same thing over and over can get boring.
If I’m asked to sub an item and I can, I will. This is why when my oldest started complaining about lunches being boring in that complaining tone kids use, I wasn’t hurt. I asked what he’d like instead and he shrugged, and said ‘something not boring.’ At this point my husband and second oldest joined, echoing the sentiment with no solutions.
At this point, I was nearly crying, which I don’t do in front of my kids but hearing my husband say these things without any solutions hurt.
I said fine. If they find my lunches so boring, then they don’t have to eat them and I won’t make them anymore.
That they are all welcome and old enough to make their own lunches and I will just make them for my two youngest. Or, my older kids can simply get school lunches (something they’ve been vehemently against, saying the meals are ‘gross’) as I know those menus are different every day and that will offer some variety.
They immediately backtracked on their statements but I stood firm. They’re all old enough to make their own lunch, just tell me if you decide you need lunch money.
My older kids grumbled but they managed to make their own sandwiches.
My husband was the biggest child of them all, complaining that the kids have the option of school lunch, that the school can’t and won’t let a kid go hungry, but work doesn’t give a crap if he eats or not.
I just kissed his cheek and said there’s bread and peanut butter in the kitchen. Not to mention he can drive to McDonald’s and get something he wants. He continued to get angry and slept in the basement last night.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m a 42-year-old man who started cooking for himself when he was about 13. Mom likes things that I don’t. I decided that I was tired of that and just asked for permission to do it myself a couple of nights a week.
A couple of times a week turned into me cooking my own meal most of the time and my older brother and I frequently taking over family cooking duties.
That came in handy when Mom had a battle with non-Hodgkins lymphoma.
She survived, but she wasn’t quite the domestic hurricane she had been previously and there were plenty of opportunities to step up.
At this point, I’m not a chef but I do know the difference between a soup and stew, my marinated chicken and pork chops are things to be celebrated when they appear on the table, and I can make several kinds of entrees of the fried rice persuasion, pizzas, calzones, and invented a kind of cinnamon-butter bundt bread that I’m literally under doctor’s orders to never, ever, ever make for myself again haha.
I would die of shame if I was so helpless that I couldn’t plan and execute a week of meals. What are these people gonna do if you’re not around for some reason?” imgrandojjo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have 5 children, I’m sorry to say.
On a less tongue-in-cheek note, OP, you’ve allowed your routine to be “I do things I don’t have to do and everyone gets to take that for granted.” Your family is allowed to get tired of lunch.
You’re allowed to get tired of this.
Setting a new boundary is gonna result in pushback because it always does. Unless you’re actually raising 5 kids, your husband will get over it. But it might be worth a conversation about the importance of gratitude.
For the record, my husband makes me lunch every day, always a turkey sandwich. Every day. And every day I thank him for lunch and say it tasted good because he doesn’t have to make me lunch but he does because he’s great.” Terytha
Another User Comments:
“Soft ESH for you and your husband. I thoroughly understand the pain of being an unappreciated mom and wife, but you don’t want to model vindictive or passive-aggressive responses to your kids.
Their actions sound hurtful, and I wholeheartedly agree you should insist that your husband make his own lunch, but I don’t think this was the right response for your kids. Yes, they are old enough to learn to make their own or help, and that’s perfectly fine.
But this wasn’t a calm decision to help them learn skills and responsibilities. This was a hasty and angry reaction to a pretty reasonable comment from your 13yo. Even with variety, a sandwich, chips, and yogurt every single day will get boring for a kid.
If I were you, I would have a sit down with your two oldest. Share that making lunch every day is hard work, as they now know! That you try to make lunches that they will like and you were sad that they didn’t.
Apologize for your reaction and say you won’t fully cut them off (especially the 10yo, that seems pretty mean to punish them for agreeing with dad and older sibling), but you would like to work with them on ideas and lunch prep together.
Turn it into something fun to do together rather than a punishment for hurting your feelings. Though I understand the temptation, you don’t want to use food, particularly unhealthy cafeteria food, as a punishment.” runtsky
7. AITJ For Telling My Younger Siblings Why Our Parents Actually Got Divorced?
They were going to know the truth at some point, I’m sure.
“I (22M) have 3 other siblings (18M, 15M, 12F). Our parents are no longer together because of my mom’s (42F) infidelity, she was seeing my best friend’s dad. When my father found out he kicked her out, she ended up moving with her affair partner and broke two marriages.
This all happened six years ago and my siblings saw my dad as the bad guy who kicked their mother out. My 15M and 12F decided to live with my mom, and dad only had them on weekends, my 18M stayed with us because he was closer to my dad already but he didn’t know what caused our family to fall apart and also seemed to resent my dad.
I visited my mom as often as I could and she seemed happy to have me but I was the only one who knew what happened. My dad never bad-talked my mother and never let my siblings know why they split even if he had to be seen as the bad guy who kicked her out and my mom never took any responsibility for what she did to our family.
They get along with Jeff (Mom’s husband). I did but lost a lot of respect for him when he went after my mom.
My dad will get married to Rose this October 21st (my late grandma’s birthday) and he told my siblings that he wished to have them with him, they started being so mean to him and basically shaming him for getting married and accusing him of being unfaithful because he started seeing Rose a long time ago (even my 18M did, they really hate Rose, cause she came into our lives like six months after my mom was kicked out).
So I asked them to stop, my dad isn’t confrontational so he told me to leave it like that. They started accusing Rose of being the reason my parents fell apart but I told them that the reason was my mom’s infidelity.
Their faces turned red and asked me if I was joking but I said no, they got back to my mom’s house and two days later they were back asking to stay with my dad full time, apparently, they confronted her and her husband about what happened.
I called my mom to see if everything is ok but she didn’t answer, I went to her house and she was distant (we didn’t talk much about it). Her husband texted me later to call me a jerk for telling my siblings about my mom’s affair and they seem to hate her now.
I know it’s hard for my mom now because she loves us but my dad shouldn’t be seen as the evil person and she as the great flawless parent, plus Rose shouldn’t be seen as a homewrecker when my mom is.
AITJ for letting them know?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wish I couldn’t relate.
I’m the only child of parents who got divorced because of my mom’s infidelity. She remarried and had a new child.
A fresh start. I was the only remnant of her past that was a reminder of her mistake. Growing up, I carried that secret in me, because I could sense that everyone was trying to pretend like it was not a thing.
My sibling was also much younger than me, and I was very protective of her; I didn’t want her to grow up with the weight of all of this before she was old enough to understand the complexity of good and bad.
However, I didn’t deserve to be isolated with this burden then or now, and neither do you.
You are not the jerk– but people will try their best to make you out to be the villain or the problem.
You are not. What you are, is the child of someone who made a mistake that she is now trying to pretend never happened. That is not what mature parents, or adults, for that matter, are supposed to do.
Such behavior causes more hurt and pain in the long run, not less.
What you have allowed for is open communication. Your mom/stepdad are upset because they are being forced to face the consequences of their actions, ones that, even if ultimately were for the best for everyone, still caused a lot of hurt to many people.
Adults own up to their mistakes, self-reflect, and learn to forgive themselves. Your mom is not acting like such, and frankly, I do not blame your younger siblings for feeling betrayed. The betrayal is ultimately not rooted in her infidelity; their betrayal is rooted in being lied to.
Hopefully, your mom will ultimately understand the difference, and grow up into being an adult/parent for her kids. Until then, set strong boundaries for yourself if you need to from her if she is dumping emotional nonsense on you– you do not deserve that, you did absolutely nothing wrong.” Ok_Conversation9648
Another User Comments:
“The situation is really complicated and ultimately it’s not your business nor your place.
It is often human nature to place blame and point fingers when actually there’s plenty to be shared all the way around.
However. With what you have portrayed, I would definitely put you in the NTJ category. I’ve known several men who are so nonconfrontational they will accept blame for things that are clearly not their fault.
The caveat to that is usually there are other underlying reasons for being unfaithful.
You don’t know ultimately what was really going on between your mother and father. Yes, your mother did wrong by two-timing – but that doesn’t mean your father was totally blameless.
All of that said, your mother should never have portrayed him in the bad light that she did. And pretending to go along with the fact that Rose was a homewrecker was totally wrong on her part and you were completely, 100% justified in setting the record straight in that regard.
Good on you.” Snoo_7492
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your poor dad, trying to do his best, taking the hits from your siblings and he never said anything against your mother.
If you can, have a talk with your siblings.
Let them know that adults make mistakes sometimes. Including yourself. Whether you should have told them or not, you’re not sure but now they know, they should try not to blame anyone. Yes, mother made a mistake but she still loves them.
You should also remind them to think about all the bad things they did to your dad – are they sorry for hurting his feelings?
There’s a huge lesson to be learned here and I’m not sure if your dad is strong enough to pull your siblings into line.
I would never have had the audacity to ever comment on my parents’ marriage. Kids don’t know how brutal their barbs are and they need to learn that they should think before saying something that hurts someone’s feelings.
That’s my two cents anyway.” thecratskyone
6. AITJ For Going Away To College Despite My Family Needing Me?
You have to do what’s best for yourself sometimes.
“I’m (18F) going to a University nearby (~30 minutes) and decided I would dorm Freshman year. This resulted in a huge fight with my mother who threatened me and said some awful stuff (though I said some mean things too tbh) and told me she wouldn’t let me dorm.
The thing is, my first year of school is completely covered by scholarships and grants, so I knew she couldn’t actually stop me. I held my ground and said I’m going anyway, and now she’s not angry anymore, but she’s disappointed. She told me I’m abandoning her and my three siblings (I am primarily responsible for watching them).
Well, I made my schedule so I would have no classes 4 days a week and would be able to visit them as much as possible. She doesn’t care. She’s been calling all my family members actually crying and some have told me that it’s okay and I should just go anyway, while others think I’m being selfish to abandon my family.
My grandmother called telling me to just stay home first semester and we would convince my mom to let me go the second semester, but I know this won’t work as my mom already told me she wants me home until I’m 22.
Now she and a bunch of my aunts are disappointed in me. I feel like I’m going insane, I don’t know why this is such a big deal. I made a post about this elsewhere when it initially became an issue, and people online said it wasn’t a big deal, but the majority of people I talk to in real life are telling me to just stay home.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The best thing you can do is get an education and get yourself financially stable. That way when your siblings are ready to get out you can offer them a safe place to land.
You didn’t say how old your siblings are. Just do your best to keep the lines of communication open with them.
Your grandmother and all the other family members that are trying to guilt you into doing what they want can step up to help your parents.
But they don’t want to, they think it’s easier to just bully you into submission. Hold your ground.
See if your college offers counseling or therapy. Use whatever resources you can to better your situation.
Come up with a solid plan to get done with college as quickly and as best you can. Get involved on campus and make some solid friends to be your support network. Try to get a small part-time job so you won’t have to ask your parents for financial assistance.
Do not spend all your free time going back and forth trying to fix things at home. Things won’t be able to be fixed until your parents change. They had 18 years to figure out what was going to happen.
It’s not your responsibility to make up for their poor planning.” Llyndreth
Another User Comments:
“DO NOT STAY HOME!! This is your chance to spread your wings, learn to be an adult, and discover new horizons.
That’s so awesome about the scholarships and grants so you can do this without the stress of worrying about finances. You are not a parent to your siblings; they are not your responsibility. You can be there for them as time permits, but it’s pretty crappy that your mom wants to ruin your once-in-a-lifetime experience of college and dorm life!
Screw that noise!
While I feel bad for your siblings for having a toxic and manipulative parent, again, that is not your responsibility. For all of those relatives who are so concerned about your siblings, they can spend their time either helping to take care of them or talking to your mother about being a better parent.
As a child, this is absolutely not your responsibility or your fault if you leave.
Please go off to college a happy and carefree young adult, and gobble up as much of that life as you can.
This is a wonderful time in your life that doesn’t need to be overshadowed by an overbearing and manipulative parent.
NTJ.” tahitianmoonchild
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Get out asap. It won’t end when you’re 22.
That “finish line” will never stop moving. You didn’t choose to have 3 children, they aren’t your responsibility. It sounds like you’ve been really nice and taken responsibility for them so far but you shouldn’t have needed to do even that (unless it’s by choice and you’re being paid, but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case).
Look up parentification, that’s what your mom has done to you. It’s a form of maltreatment (she may not be doing it on purpose or with any ill intent but it’s still not healthy for you).
You’ve already come up with a compromise to help her several days a week. The fact that she wants you home more just shows that she doesn’t want to (or can’t for whatever reason) be a parent to her children and wants you to do it for her.
As far as your aunts, if they think she needs more help than the 4 days you’re already planning on giving her (which is extremely generous, especially for a college student) then they can help her.
It sounds like you have at least 2 aunts so even if they only took one day a piece and you took the other 4 your mom only has to care for HER children one day a week.
Set your boundary, be firm and polite, and shut down the conversation if they start pressuring you again. If they push, end the conversation or leave the situation.
I’m actually surprised that you even have the option of staying home unless it’s a community college (no judgment here; community college was amazing) because most universities require freshmen and sometimes even sophomores to live in the dorms.” SmirkyToast13
5. AITJ For Blowing Up At My Mom For Leaving My House A Mess After Housesitting?
“Last week, my wife & I traveled to a music festival for about 5-6 days. I hired my Mom (she needed the pay; I needed a dogsitter) to take care of things while we were away for an agreed-upon price.
We cleaned the house prior to leaving, left her with strict instructions for what to do with our Great Dane, stocked the fridge, wrote the wifi and desktop passwords down for her, and pre-paid her so she’d have some funds.
Fast forward to yesterday, we arrived to find lots of things had been done to our home and it sent me into a fit. My wife and I are 30-somethings who just bought our very first house together, and it was bought remodeled and to our liking.
The list is as followed:
- Every wall in the house had been painted with a color that did not match our normal paint scheme. The job was also incomplete and patchy in most areas. The previous paint was totally fine, and only seven months old!
- Missing electrical outlet covers. Still don’t know why.
- 100+ smoke butts in my rose potted plant out front.
- Items missing/moved.
- Pictures hung/holes in walls. We did not intend on hanging anything yet until we decided on where we wanted things.
- a SHOP light was run over the kitchen table and tacked to the wall.
- Six-foot ladder laid on vinyl records, destroying three of them in the process.
- Spare house key made by my mom’s man.
Now I feel like I must change my locks.
- Indoor dog bed thrown in the mud.
- Duct tape found over the motion detectors and Ring doorbell.
Not to mention the whole reason I needed her in the first place: the dog!
He’d been left out back seemingly the entire time (he sleeps indoors and comes in frequently for heat breaks), barely fed, and his dog bed is caked in mud and rain and I feel it necessary to toss it in the garbage now.
Naturally, I lost my head and my cool. I immediately started yelling about the fact that this is NOT THEIR HOME. It was not okay for them to treat our home like it was theirs, doing whatever flight of fancy entered their brains.
I almost suspect a substance binger; that’s the only thing I can rationalize their thought processes with. The entire time, my mother refused to accept responsibility for the actions, began to cry, and called me “ungrateful”.
I feel like I’m being gaslit by my own mother for being upset. Our relationship is now tarnished even further than it was, and my wife doesn’t want her back here. The scenario has played in my mind countless times and I feel completely awful about yelling at her, but it’s the complete lack of accepting responsibility on her part that has me fuming, on top of acting like nothing was even amiss.
Am I the jerk here? Or was I justified in my right to be upset?
Help me see clearly.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If you feel like your head is spinning right now I totally understand.
It’s a violation of so many common-sense rules for her to set out to remodel your house (from the sounds of it, it sounds like she thought it would be better this way and had some kind of large-scale remodeling project in mind).
Honestly? Press charges. Make her pay for people to come patch your walls, repaint, and get whatever funds back for belongings she’s broken that you probably won’t be able to replace easily. You may be able to press charges for trespassing since the partner wasn’t invited to the party.
As for the dog, it sounds like it was darn near neglected. Poor thing needs some TLC—definitely bring them inside, get them some fancy food please, or some kind of treat, and give them plenty of play time/cuddles.
She needs to understand that this wasn’t what you intended. That being said, your dog may be permanently incapable of being dogsat in the future (time will tell): my dog was unable to be kenneled/dogsat due to a similar incident when he was a puppy.
He became absolutely inconsolable and rowdy when we left him, regardless of how we tried to retrain him.
I’m going to need a major update on this when you find something out because this is beyond wild to me.” GreenStrawbebby
Another User Comments:
“NTJ –
You need to sue the crap out of her. You won’t get any of that pay back, but it is the principle. First, you are owed the pay back for the dog sitting since she left your dog outside.
I’m guessing she was entertaining her partner and found the dog a nuisance. She voided the contract. Judge Judy would ruin her.
Second, funds to repaint your house.
Third, an approximate value for missing goods.
For what it’s worth I’m thinking that the tape over the ring light and motion detector, in addition to the spare keys being made was so that your house could be accessed by others who weren’t supposed to be there at odd hours… probably to root through your crap and see if anything they wanted they could trade for something (substances).
The relationship with her is done, but you may actually be doing her a large favor by filing a police report and also suing her for damages if only it’s to get her help.
What she did was incredibly screwed up and it seems like there’s way more to her story.
Edit: from what I understand, unless any of the items taken were valuable jewelry or electronics, a small claims will probably toss it out.
You will have to call some of it a loss, but if you’re missing like stones or expensive clothing or a flatscreen tv that might mean something. It’s very difficult to assign a value to randomly used goods.” josiahpapaya
Another User Comments:
“I’d be completely livid. I was mad enough when I had a (former) friend come and care for my 2 cats while we were gone, and I paid them a good chunk to do it because one of the cats has a disability that requires some extra care and we’d be gone two weeks because I had to deal with the death and funeral planning of a close relative since I was named executor.
I left detailed instructions on feeding, litter boxes, how the one cat will get some of his wet food on the floor as he eats so that needs to be cleaned up, and he doesn’t groom himself well so he needs to be brushed like every other day because he has longer hair.
Well, I came back from an already emotionally and physically exhausting week and the floor of the room he eats in was not only covered in food but there were bugs everywhere because there was straight-up canned meat chilling on the floor for two weeks, he was so covered in mats because he wasn’t brushed AT ALL that I had to pay for a groomer to shave him, and the litter boxes were overflowing and there was urine on the floors around them.
Our other cat had thrown up a few times and it had just dried and caked on the floor. The sink was overflowing with dishes even though we have a dishwasher. Absolutely infuriating especially because I love my pets so much, and I hate they went through two weeks of just not being cared for at all.
NTJ. 10000000%” Physical-Energy-6982
4. WIBTJ For Allowing My Daughter To Skip Christmas With Her Paternal Grandparents?
“My (42F) husband and I have a daughter, Kate (15), and a son, Sam (9). My husband has a brother and a sister, Eva (40F). Eva and her husband James have a daughter, Allegra (also 15).
Kate and Allegra have always been compared in the family.
From the time they were born, it seemed to be a competition of who would walk first, talk first, do more, and achieve more. And Allegra was always first. I won’t go too much into detail about Allegra because that’s not really the point but I will say she’s a beautiful, intelligent, truly one-of-a-kind girl, and her parents have done a great job raising her.
My in-laws fell in love with her and think she hung the moon. This bothered me and made me sad for Kate, but I let it go for the most part. There’s no doubt in my mind that they love all the kids equally, but out of the two girls you can tell who they admire more.
Every summer, the whole family visits a holiday home that Eva shares with my in-laws.
Over the summer, Kate met a boy (Luke) who was also holidaying in the area. They started “seeing each other.” This was Kate’s first experience with boys.
Allegra had friends who were nearby so for our first few weeks we didn’t see her much.
About 3/4 of the way through the holiday, Kate invited the boy she’d been seeing to dinner. Allegra was told to come and afterward she would be going to a party.
At the dinner, it was clear that Luke was very attracted to Allegra. After dinner, Luke decided he would go to the party Allegra was going to as he had also been invited. They both asked Kate to go but she wasn’t allowed and was very upset.
The next morning, Allegra came downstairs and asked to talk to me and Eva. She said at the party Luke was flirting with her and showed some messages he’d sent her. We decided we would all talk to Kate.
Kate spent the next two days miserable.
When she finally came out of her room, Kate was caustic and everyone was getting a bit fed up with her attitude. Eventually, my FIL jokingly said ‘your mistake was introducing him to Allegra, how did you think that was going to go for you?’ My MIL told him off but added that Luke handled it terribly, but the outcome was sort of inevitable.
Kate left the table in tears.
We managed to get through the rest of the holiday, but when my husband brought up plans for Christmas, Kate refused to go. She said she couldn’t bear being ridiculed by her own family and constantly compared to Allegra.
After seeing how much this was affecting her I spoke to my husband and said we shouldn’t go. He argued that it would be wrong to let Kate take away time with family just because of a boy.
I reminded him that this has been happening since they were born but he said that we can’t shield Kate from every special person in the world. He said he would talk to his parents about their comments but that we should not set a precedent of letting Kate run away from reality.
I don’t agree and have half a mind to stay home with Kate and let my husband and son go without us. WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, you’ve let Kate get bullied by her grandparents long enough.
You probably should have put your foot down before it got to this point, but what they said after the Luke incident was extremely rude and entirely unacceptable. At this point, I cannot blame Kate if she didn’t want a relationship with her grandparents anymore.
She’s been torn down by them all her life and not had people standing up for her. Especially her father.
It’s her father’s job to protect and stand up for her, not to excuse his parent’s execrable behavior.
This isn’t Kate running away from reality, this is her setting a completely reasonable boundary with people who have bullied her, her entire life.
I had grandparents who did the same to me and, I can tell you, this takes a huge toll on your self-esteem, something that I have struggled with my entire adult life.
You don’t want this for your daughter.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you’d let your son and husband go.
My grandparents were toxic like your in-laws. I’ve been in your kid’s position. You caught the in-laws pulling that crap with your daughter, but I guarantee they’re doing similar to your son too.
People like them rarely change, and if they do – it’s not from a discussion.
You should tell your husband the new precedent is visiting with the grandparents is off the table, indefinitely. They need to work on treating your children with the respect they deserve, and they need to prove they’ve changed to your kids before you’ll consider visits.
I’m trying to be constructive, but this will sound mean: you failed your daughter. Your daughter hit a breaking point because her parents let her grandparents go too far. You and your husband really need to look into family counseling ASAP.” Lonely-World-981
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Why would you allow the comparisons to go on this long? It was allowed by you and your husband and you have to take responsibility for that. Your in-laws are idiots and massive jerks.
The worst? Your jerk husband for thinking that the reality is that his niece is superior to his daughter and she needs to be reminded of that.
There will always be someone who is smarter, prettier, more athletic, etc. (for example, there are many parents out there who would have stopped this at the start, I.e. good parents) than you but YOUR FAMILY is supposed to be the ones who love you more – not the ones who rub it in your face.
Poor kid doesn’t even have that.” regalseagull7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but there needs to be a conversation with the adults in this family. You can’t compare two kids of the same age at such a critical time in their development.
It’s harmful to both especially if one “outshines” the other in what the family thinks is “the best traits.”
My parents separated when I was young (1.5) and my father’s next partner had a daughter just 6 months younger than me.
We were compared on all levels growing up. I was outgoing, fearless, adventurous, and quick at picking up most things (sports, arts but also, I was more advanced than most kids not because I was smarter but because I was born at the beginning of the year and always almost a full year older than my peers in school and had the advantage of reading and counting by age 4 (because my dad fostered that in me) and was independent for most tasks (dressing myself, tying my shoe laces, etc.) by age 5.
She didn’t pick up things quickly, she was shy and quiet, she didn’t stir much and I was a tornado (imagine the Tasmanian devil cartoon……that was me as a child). You should see pictures of us from 2 to 10, we oozed our personalities in every pic (me smiling broadly or winking at the camera, her head a little down, barely looking at the camera from under her brows, sometimes smiling very shyly).
At the same time, she was the pretty one. As teenagers, I was asked why I wasn’t feminine like my sister, why I wouldn’t wear a dress on holidays, why I insisted on looking like a boy (I was hiding my large butt under male pants so I wouldn’t be cat called in the streets from age 12 and I liked oversized hoodies and baseball caps), I never wore makeup or did my hair up and she was always dressed up and pretty on holidays.
Pictures at that age are also telling. She had focused on what she was good at (looking good) and I was a self-proclaimed “intellectual” who preferred burying her nose in books rather than focusing on my looks.
Surprisingly, I would become the introvert and she would become the social butterfly.
Years later I would learn that she envied me for having “been good at everything” when we were children and having my crap together as an adult (I moved out at 18, never went back, and slowly made my way up the latter in the government and now have the big job, the big house with the pool, the husband, kids, and the dogs while she still lives with her mom and took nearly 20 years to finally get her diploma after starting university over 3 times).
We both feel that the fact that I was always first in line and exceeding expectations growing up and the fact that the family tried to make her be or learn more like me prevented her from growing at her own pace and choosing a program that would be more achievable for her.
All this to say, comparing never does anyone any good. People are different and they both have their strengths and weaknesses and they are perfectly good in all their uniqueness.” Juuni_13
3. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Partner For Waking Me Up?
“Every day I get up at 5 am for work. I do everything I can to be as quiet as physically possible to not wake my partner.
Of course, it’s not going to be perfect every time, but I’d say around 90% of the time, she doesn’t wake up at all while I’m showering and getting ready, etc.
She, on the other hand, can be flexible as to when she gets up and starts work.
She works from home, and in her role, she doesn’t have any direct superior to monitor her or at least one that cares. Now, this woman is atrocious with punctuality and time management. She’s always late to everything.
She wakes up late almost every day, but as she’s able to just log onto her laptop straight out of bed, she can just get away with it.
The fact I have to get up early for work every day means I really value a lie in on my days off.
It’s something I’ve always appreciated and taken pleasure in, sleeping in till 9 or 10 am when possible. We have no kids or any other responsibilities that would make this an impossible or otherwise irresponsible pleasure.
I usually have weekends off the same as her, but due to the shift pattern I’m on I sometimes have weekdays off, this week being Wednesday and Thursday.
Now this morning, as per usual, she woke up late for work.
Actually; she woke up, made a cup of tea, sat on TikTok for a bit, and then had to rush around because she was late for work. This is regular behavior for her.
She’s now frantically rushing around trying to get ready.
Quite literally running around the house, in and out of rooms, up and down the stairs, banging doors, and stomping around everywhere. Making it worse she was also wearing flip-flops, so I could hear them loudly slapping against her feet with every step.
When she finally stopped darting around like a cat on heat, she came into the bedroom to use her makeup and toiletries. Every single can, bottle, brush, pencil, whatever, gets slammed on the table, some drop on the floor, hairspray, and perfume being sprayed everywhere.
This is the same woman who asks me to spray my deodorant outside of the room because it’s loud and “makes the room toxic”.
She then says she needs to use the hairdryer. I responded, “Oh, because you’ve been so quiet up until now.” She just replied “I don’t care” and used the hairdryer, twice.
This is what really made me mad, honestly.
She clearly not at all giving a crap in the slightest is what really gets under my skin and has annoyed the crap out of me. To me, it’s just inconsiderate and shows the ugly side of her character and somewhat crappy attitude.
So I angrily called her an inconsiderate jerk. She almost seemed a little confused and said that it was really uncalled for and that I’m overreacting. I wouldn’t mind as much if this was a one-off or rare occurrence, but it isn’t.
While typing this I do feel like I might have overreacted a bit, but it’s really aggravated me and made me wake up in a horrible mood.
AITJ for reacting poorly to this, do I genuinely owe her an apology?”
Another User Comments:
“I think NTJ because I just am very into respect, especially toward one’s partner. It sounds like you try your best to respect her sleep when you are getting ready for work, but it does not sound like she has shown you the same respect which is unfortunate.
You would have overreacted maybe if it was a one-time thing, but you said this is not a rare occurrence.
What works for my partner and me (as I am a very light sleeper and have problems falling asleep again once woken) is a white noise machine.
Unless you have a master bathroom with no door to your bedroom, I would think she could quietly grab the makeup items she needs and use them and the hairdryer in the bathroom, with the door closed. Even better if the bathroom is in a hallway outside of the bedroom with two doors to close.
The fact she did not make any concessions during this confuses me. The hairdryer couldn’t be used in a different room?” sengze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I say show her what it is like.
Do the same thing to her a couple of days in a row. Just so that she can see. And I mean the exact same thing. Next time you can wake up before her, whether it’s a day you work or not, wake up a bit earlier than needed and copy her routine.
Pick things up and put them down loudly. Use the hair dryer, use your spray deodorant, etc. show her what she does and why it is upsetting. Or if you aren’t a petty person like me, sit her down and talk to her.
Let her know how this makes you feel. Then if after the talk she doesn’t try to be more understanding let her know you are done being considerate of her when she sleeps. Give her a fair warning.
Then if she doesn’t change, just don’t try to be quiet. You don’t need to go out of your way to make noise. Just don’t be quiet.
If she can’t see that you deserve the same consideration you give her, she’s not the one for you.
Things will only continue to get worse. Resentment will continue to build and the relationship will become toxic. If she loves you she will learn to be more considerate.” ButterscotchCalm2672
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I think your partner was being rude.
For sure. But just because someone is rude doesn’t mean you get to snap at them with something equally as rude.
What she’s doing doesn’t sound malicious. If someone is being thoughtless, a lot of the time it just takes communication to figure it out.
I hope if you talk to her respectfully, that she really hears you and tries harder next time to not stomp around like an elephant wearing flippers.
Considering you’ve responded to other posts by defending your girl.
I think you’re realizing that maybe you did overreact a little bit! And also considering how you’re defending her, it sounds like you love her. I hope you two can work this out, good luck!” _Stitch_Witch_
2. AITJ For Upgrading My Flight But Leaving My Daughter In Economy Class?
“My (F) daughter, Meg (F/18) is a very active person in social causes. Goes to marches, and helps with NGOs and homeless people. The recent cause she embraced was the criticism of capital accumulation.
My husband and I come from a wealthy background.
Although our parents don’t fully help, we know our privileges and the ease with which we can achieve our career and financial success.
But Meg doesn’t seem to understand, she often criticizes each more expensive purchase, saying that we could donate these funds to people in need. I really understand her ideal, but it gets annoyed all the time and any purchase she’s criticizing.
What she also doesn’t understand is with the little of this excess capital of ours, she has the freedom to do all this and time without finances stopping her. All the luxuries like iPhone, car, and finances are given to her, so she can walk as she wants and we agreed to help when she said she would like to take a gap year to delve into the causes.
After 3 years without traveling because of current world affairs, we decided to take an international trip. Again, Meg talked about it being an unnecessary expense to go business class and that finances could go to other things.
She proved her point and we decided to go economy class to save on a 10-hour trip.
On the way airport, I talked to my husband that he could go to the gate and I would go to the Duty-Free to see some stuff, Meg butted in and started the same rant again, I was already pretty annoyed about it despite giving her a warning to stop, but I saw that she was going to be on this the whole trip.
At check-in, the attendant asked if we’d like an upgrade to executive, and when Meg threatened to start over, I accepted and asked for two seats.
She was quiet, asking if we weren’t going to do it for her and I was very honest saying that I wasn’t willing to spend 10 hours listening to it and I want to enjoy it too.
She started to say we should all stay in economy and I said no, she got annoyed about it.
On the trip, she didn’t enjoy anything and stayed on her cell phone.
On the way back, I offered to pay hers and she refused.
When we got home, she said that we knew that she is financially dependent on us and that we accepted to support her financially and that we refused to upgrade even though she couldn’t do it to prove our point.
And that we were vindictive for being fed up with her pointing out only the truths and if we don’t like her way let her know and don’t punish her.
She is giving cold shoulders so far (5 days later).
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your daughter has the time, finances, and ability to do what she wants. She’s more into the idea of social causes than the substance of it. She can afford to “care” about them because, at the end of the day, she’s not the one cutting the check for her lifestyle.
I think YOU are a jerk (not entirely) because you’ve failed to properly raise/educate your daughter on the value of finances. Yes, circumstance can play a role, but so does hard work. The value of finances is something that needs to be taught to people who were raised with it.
She hasn’t learned that.
While yes, your daughter might mean well, she’s a hypocrite. She wants to change the world but make sure that she is not affected by those changes. You need to make her work for things in life.
Then I wonder if she’ll be so headstrong about some of these social causes like capital accumulation and others.” Equivalent_Letter262
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. TBH, I agree with your daughter in a way.
Inequality is staggering and only getting worse. It is inherently unfair that in our modern capitalist system, certain people get to have the best of everything and certain people have to go without, for no other reason than their birth.
Meg is a perfect example of the former, she did little to earn being part of a wealthy family. And it sounds like she recognizes that.
Don’t get me wrong, her behavior is annoying and hypocritical. But look at it this way, you’ve raised someone who cares about the world around her, who is engaged in the problems of our era, and who, in her own clumsy way, wants to be a better person.
You clearly did something right. After all, would you rather she just accept these things as her entitlement or truly believe that everyone got international vacations?
It was kind and probably good parenting of you to say, you know what, sure we’ll fly economy.
Yes, it’s an odd hill to die on but it shows you’re listening to her and care about her.
I think you taught her a good lesson by leaving her in economy. But I would encourage her to think more about what she can do and get a little broader with how she thinks about such things.
Yes, people like you and your husband may benefit from inequality and might be perpetuating it in little ways but let’s get to reality, you’re not flying on a private jet or burning electricity at a dozen different houses around the globe.
There’s a difference between the harm caused by the rich and the harm caused by the ultra-rich. Being mad at your parents for flying first class because it perpetuates inequality is like being mad at you for leaving too many lights on and causing climate change.
It’s easy and you’re close to home, being mad at you feels safe and doable, a bite-size cause for her to work on. But it’s not really engaging with the broader problem.” deqb
Another User Comments:
“You are bad parents. And not because you didn’t upgrade her seat, but because you have provided your daughter no opportunity to learn the realities of the world. Outside of this, she sounds like a spoiled child of a wealthy couple.
I mean, if you wanted an entitled child who is devoid of any concept of hard work or sacrifice, congrats you have succeeded.
She is passionate about this and teenagers often become a bit extra when they are passionate.
My cousin wouldn’t stop pestering his parents to quit smoking and was always bringing it up and having debates with anyone that smoked. For their health. While true, you can imagine how annoyed my dad and other relatives would get over this relentless pestering.
Mind you, my cousin was also a spoiled entitled child so we can see the commonalities. Other teens I know went vegan or got into environmentalism and were also plenty preachy as well.
Sit her down and work out how you can help causes instead of rolling your eyes at her comments.
Maybe make compromises to donate some funds. Maybe ask her to compromise on some of her luxuries to be able to donate from her allowance/side. Consider involving her in an internship or a job so she can learn about the real world and be less of a spoiled entitled rich kid.
She is correct. We’re often trapped in the chase for things and feeding the capitalist beast. Most people have no choice. You can make some choices as you could afford local products rather than fast fashion items and can afford to buy from a company that pays workers living wages and is environmentally responsible.
Yes, it’s crappy to tell a family scraping by that they’re the issue because they buy fast fashion and don’t recycle when the majority of the problem lies with the companies. But you can afford to be better, do better, and care about the world around you.
Maybe your daughter would preach less if you’d understand and accept the privilege you live in.
Unlike most Americans, I don’t think it’s nobody’s business what you do with your earnings. I think we should care what billionaires use their funds for and we should judge them when they have no want for anything and don’t help out the world.
Anyway. ESH.” deahamlet
1. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Daughter's Honeymoon Since She Decided To Do A Courthouse Wedding Last Minute?
“My wife and I have 3 kids (36M, 32F, & 25F). We have had agreements with all of our kids that we would help pay for up to $10K for their weddings or use that same amount towards a down payment on their first home.
Both of our oldest kids picked the down payment option. They both got married and had medium-sized weddings (both under 100 guests). They paid for the majority of their weddings themselves, but we did pitch in maybe $1-2K to each of them to help a bit.
My youngest got engaged last year and started planning her wedding which was scheduled for this October. She told us she would like us to help pay for the wedding instead of a house since both she and her fiance are more comfortable with apartment living and don’t want to put roots down anywhere since they are both young.
She had us put deposits down for a venue, caterer, photographer, and DJ. These deposits totaled over $5K and were non-refundable.
About 2 months ago, my daughter called to tell us that she and her fiance had decided to cancel their wedding and get married at a courthouse.
She said that the wedding planning was too stressful and they would rather just get married legally and spend finances on a big honeymoon instead. She said she wants us to take the rest of what we would have paid for the wedding and put it towards their honeymoon instead.
She said they want to take an extra long honeymoon, like 2-3 months of travel to multiple destinations.
I told her that we would not be contributing funds to that. I explained that by canceling their wedding, we have lost out on thousands of dollars and gotten nothing out of it due to non-refundable deposits.
Mind you, we never questioned any of their choices regarding wedding planning and were not involved in any of the decision-making. I literally just wrote checks to vendors.
My daughter is upset and accusing me of playing favorites with her older siblings and for punishing her because she wants something different for herself.
I told her that the situations are not the same and that giving her thousands of dollars for her to bum around Europe and Asia for a few months was never something I agreed to.
My wife wants to give our daughter a few thousand to try and even things out, but I am firmly against this. The way I look at it, we already gave her thousands of bucks and she decided to literally throw all of that away.
I understand wedding planning is stressful and if they want a courthouse wedding that is their choice. But it also wasn’t their funds that they lost by canceling the wedding, it was ours.
My daughter thinks I am being a jerk about this.
And my wife wants to just give her the funds to keep the peace. But I feel like that just completely absolves our daughter of what her decisions have cost us. I don’t want to pay for her wanderlust after she cost me thousands of bucks.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I would encourage you and your wife to inform them that the remaining balance of the funds is available to help contribute to a down payment on a home at a future date.
This way, you are not playing favorites, you are not punishing her for changing her mind about the kind of wedding she wants, and you are still only using the finances for purposes you are comfortable contributing to.
Note: I get that you are annoyed at the loss of non-refundable deposits. But you are skating perilously close to a jerk rating by framing it as “she decided to literally throw all of those funds away” (and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if that attitude is what your wife is reacting to).
You are succumbing to the sunk costs fallacy. Those funds would have been gone no matter whether your daughter went through with the wedding or not. The only thing different is that, by realizing that she didn’t want the big wedding, she has stopped spending additional unnecessary funds.” DianaFelice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
A) The gift was conditional: “$10K for their weddings, or use that same amount towards a down payment on their first home.” Not “I’m just going to give each of you $10K for whatever you want.”
B) OP’s daughter chose the wedding, then backed out after some funds had already been invested without any way to recoup. Entirely within her right to do so, but without consideration for those who had invested finances.
I would also feel safe to say she did not invest any of her own, so it’s a lot easier to make that call when she wasn’t the one paying the bill up to that point.
C) For those saying the finances would be gone either way… There is a huge difference between spending $5K on a wedding (a momentous occasion) vs just dumping it on nothing. Also, again, the $10K was conditional.
I feel like if OP’s daughter showed even a little consideration for what others had invested in what she wanted, this conversation/outcome could’ve been different. Then trying to guilt OP by accusing them of playing favorites, when it was her irresponsibility that burnt the first half of the funds in the first place is the icing on the cake of entitlement.
Sounds like OP is being treated like a bank.” hdkb824
Another User Comments:
“ESH. While I understand the point you’re trying to make here, I don’t think the point is worth souring your relationship with your daughter.
I think it’s overbearing to earmark financial gifts, especially when the recipient is an adult. You planned to give her $10k for the wedding when she started planning and now she’s asking for the remaining balance to be spent on something that most people see as going hand in hand with a wedding – not something totally unrelated and unreasonable (which is how you’re making her request out to be).
Yes, she lost deposits by canceling and that feels like a waste, but perhaps consider that she made the decision to put her sanity and mental health first, despite knowing it would cost her $5k and greatly upset you.
That took a lot for her to do, so maybe she was more stressed and overwhelmed than she let on. By the middle of your post, it felt to me as though you care more about the funds than you do about her.
If I felt that just by reading a few sentences, I can’t imagine how she’s feeling living this scenario out. Compassion and kindness are free – there’s no need to be miserly there as well.
Also, let’s face facts – while very generous, $5k towards a down payment in today’s market isn’t going to change lives or move the needle dramatically. You’re expecting her future to pan out in the traditional way you planned (and that her siblings took), but that’s not fair.
They’re not the same people on the same path and you are telling her that the only way she gets the rest of the gift is to hit the milestones you expect her to hit.
Your other children bought houses, but she’s telling you that’s not what she has in mind for herself and that she likes the flexibility of renting. I rented in a metro city (married with kids), well into my 30s, and have countless friends there still doing the same as we cross into our 40s.
Does that mean that none of us would ever see the remaining $5k bc we followed a different path? What if they already had a home and planned well for the wedding so that they didn’t need the whole $10k from you?
Would the remaining funds be forfeited then as well? I just think setting up rules on how a gift must be spent, doesn’t really make it a gift. It’s more like a controlling, all-strings-attached, conditional, regulated parenting tool.
I’m guessing that’s what your wife and daughter see too and that just feels icky – maybe even pushing you directly into jerk territory.” FaithlessnessAway479
