People Are Passionate About Telling These ‘Am I The Jerk?’ Stories
21. AITJ For Committing To A Surprise Birthday Trip Even After My Wife's Cancellation Questions?
“It was my (38M) wife’s (38F) birthday last week, and I had a problem I never expected. We have 1 child and a tight budget, but we both work, so we are able to get by fine.
For her birthday, she asked for athletic sandals. Pretty much it. Ok… All good. I went to the store and picked out a sweet pair of Teva’s and wrapped them up. For her actual present, though, I got us a night out in NH in a nice waterfront hotel.
She has never been to this city in New Hampshire, and we have talked about it a few times. When her birthday came, I gave her her sandals while she was eating her breakfast, and when she opened them, she hated them. LOL! Oh well, I was upset at first, but I’m a guy, and I can’t take offense if she didn’t like them.
I thought they were cool, whatever! No biggie.
That should have been a warning flag, but I continued on. Later in the day, I let her in on the details of our trip, and I thought she was excited at first. However, as the days came after her birthday, she started asking me questions like, “How much was the hotel?
Are there free cancellations?” etc. I obviously hated these questions, so I tossed them to the side because I thought they were obnoxious. As we are now getting closer, she has asked a few times if I’ve called the hotel, if there are cancellations, and that she just wants to know what she is doing this weekend.
Well, I know what I’m doing.
It came to a head when she was on the phone with her SIL the other night and, when asked what she was doing this weekend, I heard her say, “Well, (husband) thinks he is Bobby Big Bucks and got us a hotel for the night in NH.” This REALLY upset me, and I let her know that.
When I finally calmed down enough to check in on the reservation, the free cancellation day came and went. So I’m committed.
I told my wife this, and she has been radio silent today. It’s driving me insane. I don’t know where she got so entitled, and I’m not sure why she has decided she doesn’t want to go here.
My wife is a traveler; every weekend, we need to be going somewhere or doing something. It’s just the way she is. I thought, what a better gift idea than to spend time together.
An important note: she buys me trips for every birthday/Christmas.
It’s what she does. I rarely get tangible gifts, and we go places together. I love it! That’s why I thought I could do the same! Wooops!
AITJ for wanting to tell my wife to stay home and I’ll just go by myself? I feel like her control issues are at play here or something.
I have no idea, but I don’t know how to handle it.”
Another User Comments:
“I think she’s very concerned about the money being spent. You said money was tight. Maybe, at this particular moment, she feels that money would have been better spent on something else.
You asked what she wanted, she replied with sandals (not a particularly expensive item) and didn’t expect anything more. Is your wife the one that handles the day to day budgeting for the family? This might explain why she buys you trips away for your birthday (are those as expensive as this), but she hadn’t budgeted for this unexpected expense.
YTJ if you ask her to stay at home. Talk to her to find the real problem and then solve it. And if the hotel can’t be canceled online, call them up, talk to them, and if you have to reschedule to a later date and then cancel that date and try to get a refund.” one_night_on_mars
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – She was legit concerned that it cost too much. She voiced this to you. She asked that you check on the cancellation for it, and you ignored her several times. Just because she travels or likes to do things on the weekend doesn’t mean she’s not cost conscious about what she does.” judgingA-holes
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, how do you not know it? You knew she didn’t want that gift; she even asked about canceling it multiple times. But you decided you knew better, and deliberately ran out the clock on cancellation. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that’s not how it goes down when she gets you a trip.
Apologize to your wife.” GodlessGoddess1968
20. AITJ For Blocking My Uncle's Internet To Protect My Nana?
“I (25f) decided to block my uncle (43) from using the internet I pay for at my Nana’s (65) house. My nana seems to be upset with me, but I don’t think I’m in the wrong. I’m trying to protect her.
Let me start this off by detailing why my uncle got kicked out of the house last year and why. First off, let me say the only reason he was living here is because he was on probation in another state, and he convinced my nana to bring him to live with her in the south.
Let’s just say he was selling things he shouldn’t have been. Take that how you want. While he was living with her, he continued to sell things and throw parties while she was working. She bought him a truck so he could start a “business” on the condition that he would pay for it and it would only be hers on paper.
He made maybe 2 or 3 payments on the truck, and that includes the car insurance he was supposed to pay but never did. There are countless other things that he has done, and honestly, it’s too many to mention. He also talks about my nana like she’s never done anything for him!
She’s bailed him out in more ways than one and has sold things precious to her to do so. I’m tired of watching this man take advantage of her. Anyway, the reason he got kicked out last year is because, while he was living in the basement, he had people coming in and out of the house, but this time he actually moved someone in, and my nana had enough.
She gave him a notice to vacate because an eviction notice insinuates he actually paid rent. He lived with her for 6 years, rent free, and hardly ever had a real job.
I’m not even going to mention how he treats me because it’s just so bad.
I really, really hate how my uncle treats everyone. When I was 18, right around the time he moved in, I was living with my nana as well. When he got there, he acted like I was supposed to bow down to him and listen to whatever he said, and when I didn’t, he started being super mean to me.
I felt unsafe, so I would lock myself in my room very literally. He didn’t like that I would lock my door, and ended up taking my doorknob off the door. I was 18… He made it so I couldn’t have … “me time” … I felt uncomfortable, and I ended up in such a bout of depression that I ended up going back to my home state because of the way he treated me.
I’m mentioning this specific incident because I’m feeling awful petty about the doorknob thing.
I am the one who pays the wifi bill, and I have locked him out from using it. My nana asked me to put it back on so he could “find a job,” but I know he’s just sitting in the living room watching videos all day.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your nana created this monster. Stay away from both of them.” Fabulous-Turnover-62
19. AITJ For Telling My Neighbor His Kid Can't Play In Our Yard?
“I (35F) live with my partner in a duplex my mom owns. We pay half the mortgage and cover our own utilities.
This summer my mom, sister, nephew (10) and niece (5) came to visit for six weeks.
The house next door is also a duplex with two families renting.
One family has a 5 yo; the other family has a 4 yo. The kids all played together during the summer, got along well, and had fun. But the 4 yo isn’t very well socialized, throws a lot of tantrums, bites, kicks, grabs objects from people’s hands, and doesn’t have a great grasp on cooperation.
Her parent doesn’t correct the behaviour; instead, scolds the other kids for not giving in to her crying and screaming. Everyone kept quiet about it, and my sister advised her kids to be gentle with the 4 yo, not to react or hit back.
Fast forward to two days before my family’s departure.
I was cooking on the BBQ while my niece and nephew played in the big climbing tree in our yard. My nephew had tied some ropes onto branches to climb. The 4 yo ran over with her dad not far behind and immediately began trying to climb the rope and cried when she couldn’t do it on her own.
Her dad helped her get into the tree, and then she pushed my niece out of it (she landed on her feet; wasn’t hurt, just annoyed). I then asked who wanted cheese on their burger, and the 4 yo replied she did. I explained that we were having a family lunch and apologized that I didn’t have an extra burger for her, which prompted her to throw a tantrum.
Her father then proceeded to tell her she “wasn’t being included.” We went inside to eat lunch.
After lunch, we had errands to run. As my sister and I packed the car up, her kids went back to playing in the tree. The 4 yo came back over, began trying to climb again, lost her grip, and fell about two feet to the ground.
My sister then told her son to take down the ropes since we were leaving for the rest of the day.
The 4 yo’s dad started telling my sister to leave the ropes up since his daughter still wanted to play. My sister told him we weren’t comfortable with them playing in the tree when we weren’t home.
He responded by raising his voice and accusing my sister and her kids of leaving his daughter out on purpose. Once I saw my sister leaning away from a screaming man, I got involved, told him he isn’t entitled to play in our yard whenever he wants, and that he’s making his daughter feel left out by saying “she’s not included” when we’re trying to have a family lunch.
He texted me a few hours later, saying we need to “have a chat about what happened.” No apology for yelling at my sister.
I responded that no convo was needed and it’s best if he stays in his own yard from now on.
AITJ for not wanting to “mend fences” with my neighbour?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you were wise to draw the line firmly. These days, if a kid falls from a neighbor’s tree you never know if a lawsuit will result. You can say you can’t afford the liability if someone gets hurt.
If all else fails, I’d get a lawyer and if they want to communicate w/you, make it go thru the lawyer. PS, install a fence if there isn’t one!” stroppo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you have potential liability if she gets injured on your property so it’s definitely fair and a good idea to have that rule.
Plus, it’s your property and of course you’re entitled to ask someone not to trespass. Might be worth expressing this politely to your neighbor just to make life easier for you to not have your neighbor mad at you, but not the jerk either way.” jennnjennjen
Another User Comments:
“You need an attorney and a high fence. Get a consultation with an attorney, and find out the best ways to protect yourselves from liability when the little girl gets hurt on your property. It’s bound to happen sooner or later, and dad will be secretly delighted if he can sue.
Cameras would be wise, also. Put up the highest fence that you can afford that is legal in your municipality. The older that the girl gets, the more determined that she will be to play in your yard. Keep an eye on the neighbor guy.
There is something seriously off about him. NTJ.” Swedishpunsch
18. AITJ For Not Giving My Brother $100K To Fulfill His Crazed Divine Prophecy?
“My brother has been living at my mom’s house for the last 6 years after losing his job. He initially said that this would only be for a few months while he’s looking for a new job, but he’s remained unemployed for all those years.
He spends all his time playing video games and going to parties with his friends. I don’t believe that he has ever looked for a new job during these years. I have managed to secure him a bunch of interviews; he thanked me and told me that he’ll definitely go, and every time he finds some excuse for any, he couldn’t make it and refuses my offer to reschedule.
My mom doesn’t do anything about this. She even gives him an $800 monthly allowance that he spends on stupid stuff like eating out, buying games, and parties.
He now, out of nowhere, declared that God came to him in a dream and that he has been chosen to set up the stage for the second coming of Christ. He was forced to go to multiple psychologists and psychiatrists by our mom, and all agree that he doesn’t seem to have any mental illnesses.
He now says that he needs $100k to complete God’s plan on earth before the second coming. Whenever we ask him what exactly the plan is, he mumbles something or ignores the question.
My mom has been bugging me to give him the money because she says that he’s crazy and that we must treat him carefully, and that if I give him the money, he will grow out of it.
While I have $100K, it’s not an amount of money you just throw around for no reason. You can buy a whole house with that amount. I’m not giving him so much money just because he decided to play the crazed prophet as his latest attempt to get some money.
He hasn’t even shown any changes in habits or behavior after coming out as the “next great prophet”, coupled with the fact that multiple psychologists and psychiatrists say that they see no actual signs of mental illnesses. I have no reason to believe that he actually believes what he says.
I told her no and that it’s her fault that she has allowed a 30-year-old man to live like a teenager on summer break for 6 whole years, and that he’s not crazy; he’s just figuring out a way to leech more money out of us.
I could have worded it more politely, but I firmly believe everything I said. She must stop enabling him living like that.
Some people told me that I can’t fault my mom for taking care of her son, even if he’s like this, and that I should have just said that I don’t have the money and left it at that.
But she’s going to retire soon and wants to move to another state. What does she expect to happen to him? He must be made to take responsibility for himself. He won’t have mom paying for everything forever. I think that her enabling him harms both of them greatly.
AITJ?”
17. AITJ For Going Low-Contact Over My Mom's Hyacinth Macaw Decision?
“My (23f) mother (50f) has three younger kids (13f, 11m, 10f), the eldest of which wants a bird.
Problem is, she wants a Hyacinth Macaw. The eldest has been experiencing panic attacks and anxiety for about a year now with two years of fainting in the classroom. The doctor has been telling us that she’s doing it for attention, and I’m starting to believe him.
For the first seven or so months, she had muscle spasms (I believe that), then it was verbal tics in a higher pitch voice (whole sentences of it), then biting her arms, and now she’s headbutting walls in class? Apparently she faints constantly too, but none of this happens at home, only at school.
Last year she fainted at home once as I was setting up anime for the kids and I to watch, but she stayed down for three minutes or so of me calling out to her until she heard the intro starting to play, to which she went to sit down and watch.
Our mother’s feeling helpless and at the end of her rope, which I understand, so when she sees a post about a Hyacinth Macaw breeder two states away, she immediately calls me.
I live an hour and a half away on public transport (I don’t own a car), and I’m normally one of the first people she contacts when something happens.
Her family lives overseas, so we only really have each other.
She tells me about the bird, and I tell her (again) that it’s a terrible idea. She works night shifts every night 11pm-7am, drops the kids off to school after she gets them ready, goes to the gym until 10am, then maybe sleeps until 2:30pm when she collects the kids.
So already, no one will be there to take care of it; they haven’t done any research for raising one, and she wants to buy the equivalent of an extra child so her eldest “will be happy”.
She’s been waving off concerns with, “It’ll be good therapy for her,” and “She doesn’t want another cockatiel or a conure, she wants this bird!” and a fake promise of “I’ll get a bird-sitter when we’re gone,” when I told her it needed high attention on a day-to-day basis.
Not to mention, they live in a tiny townhouse with neighbours that have already sent angry emails about our rather vocal Quail.
She’s extremely stubborn, and I accept there’s absolutely no convincing her to get a less needy breed that I know the eldest will love the same.
I’m getting sick of worrying about every problem in that house and feel like I need a few weeks of low-contact to not burst a blood vessel.
But she needs me to be there on weekends to run the family market stall (the one bad idea I agreed to, because I was tired of being negative and she sounded like she was going to buy it anyway).
I’ve already said no to going down tomorrow to drop the kids off to school while she drives to fetch the bird. WIBTJ if I drop contact for a few weeks? AITJ already?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this sounds like an absolutely terrible idea all around.
There are so many issues with keeping parrots as pets. It’s only going to add more stress to their already strained household, and sadly if they aren’t able to keep it (likely) the poor girl will probably be devastated. I understand your mother wants to do something to make her happy, but pets are a really really bad way to try and do that.
P.S. It’s concerning that her doctor is saying she is behaving the way she is ‘for attention,’ because that is not the kind of language or idea that is backed up by modern psychology. People don’t ‘act out’ because they are happy and healthy.
She is sick. I hope she has seen more than one doctor about it.” XianglingBeyBlade
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I hate my parents’ bird and tell them all the time it sucks because they keep it locked up. I’ve told them I will not take it when it inevitably outlives them.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they leave it to me in their will out of spite. Your concerns are definitely valid, but at the end of the day, they’re going to do what they want. I’d send them a link to bird rescues so they are at least fully aware that they’re repeating the same mistakes thousands of others have made.
Maybe they can volunteer at some sort of rescue or shelter instead. NTJ. You don’t have to agree with them. You don’t have to talk to them. It’s up to you what you want your relationship to look like.” ThrowRAzilla
Another User Comments:
“I think you need potentially some extra support for your Mum because clearly this situation doesn’t necessitate another freaking bird.
Take the time you need, make boundaries you are comfortable with, and see if social services can get involved.” finite_perspective
16. AITJ For Telling My Mom The Italy Trip Was Poorly Planned?
“I (26m) was invited to a family trip by my mom (55f), who has been wanting a family trip for years (haven’t been all of us on any trip for the past 15ish years).
She decided we will be visiting Italy, and the family went along with it. The problem was the dates.
My mother decided that we’re flying during my exams. I explained those dates don’t work for me as I have an exam 2 days after we land, that I’d rather we move it to Sep.
She refused, saying my brother (17m) can’t miss the first few days of school, and she settled for moving it to a week prior, which was still terrible for me.
After discussing it with a friend, I told her that I can’t come on those dates.
In return, I was told I’m ruining her plans and if I don’t come we might as well cancel the whole trip. Eventually I caved in and agreed to come but to fly out a couple of days after the rest of the family.
Throughout the trip, we basically just did whatever she wanted, while my and the rest of the family’s suggestions and requests were ignored.
About a week after, my brother asked me for help with planning a trip with a friend, and I told him that he should start from a budget and then build his trip around it and activities he can’t do over here (concerts, games, etc.)
My mom interrupted and said that she appreciates my advice, but there are other ways to plan trips, and he can just go and do whatever he wants on his trip without considering everything. I lost my temper and responded with something that can be summed up along the lines of “I’m sorry but it’s not like Italy was planned very well.”
This quickly devolved into a fight, in which I told my mom that I didn’t actually enjoy most of the trip, felt forced to come and forced to go along with her plans while constantly having to give up my own, and that I regret going.
She then proceeded to tell me how ungrateful I am that she invited me and paid for me to go on the trip with them only to spit in her face.
Talked about it with sis afterwards, and she said that mom is obviously suffering from anxiety, and I should have held it in since she did invite and paid for us.
I told her being anxious and stressed doesn’t give a person the right to act and say whatever they want with no regard to others.
Which in turn also applies to me.
My family does not know about my medical status, though I’m more than fine with them not knowing.
But despite feeling that, I couldn’t help but somehow feel hypocritical. I felt that I was not in the wrong, but the conversation and my own answer to my sister got me second-guessing my own judgment. AITJ for not just keeping quiet?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re 26 but acting like a teenager – if you really didn’t want to go, you could have just not gone. Going on the trip, letting your parents pay for it, resenting it the whole time, and then lashing out at your mom after is super immature.” coffeemom23
Another User Comments:
“ESH. An Italian vacation for an entire family can be extremely expensive and extremely stressful to plan. You probably could have given your mom a little more grace. Because an Italian vacation for an entire family can be extremely expensive and extremely stressful to plan, your mother probably should have postponed the vacation until the dates worked for everyone.” quitcute5264
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely YTJ. You’re 26. You didn’t have to go. You were an adult invited guest who not only had almost everything paid for, but you pouted because your Mom didn’t change plans and the group didn’t do what you wanted?
You could have chosen an activity and treated the group. Or went along and showed appreciation and then made note of what you wanted to see and do when you went back. And paid for it yourself.” OkEmergency3607
15. AITJ For Confronting A Mother For Publicly Humiliating Her Child?
“Back in June, I was a chaperone for the 6th grade graduation party at our local elementary school.
The attendees included ~100 students, the 6th grade teachers, and a handful of parent and staff volunteers.
Two of the sixth-graders were a pair of twin sisters, whom I’ll call Maddie and Katie. The girls are both average height (5’0), but their build differs by quite a bit.
Maddie is ~ average sized (95 lbs), while Katie is a little heavy (120 lbs). The girls’ mother was also in attendance.
Everyone was having a great time, but when food was served, tension started to rise. The twins’ mother (Mrs. T) was relentlessly commenting about Katie’s eating habits.
First she said, “No, don’t eat the whole cupcake. Cut it in half.” Katie did as her mother requested, and when she started to eat the remaining half of the cupcake, Mrs. T immediately told her to wipe off the icing first. Maddie was permitted to eat a whole cupcake with all the icing, without their mother saying anything.
Then a while later, the twins went with a group of friends to get pizza. Mrs. T said to Katie in a rather loud whisper, “You’re getting ANOTHER slice of pizza?” and raised her eyebrows dramatically. After that, when the kids were getting potato salad, Mrs. T tried to take the serving spoon away from Katie.
Near the end of the party, ice cream was being served. Mrs. T loudly and forcefully said to Katie, “No, you can’t have any. It’s fattening and unhealthy, and you’ve already eaten more than enough.”
Then she turned to Maddie and said, “You can have ice cream, you’re skinny enough.” This conversation was loud enough that at least a dozen other 6th graders were able to hear it.
Katie protested that it wasn’t fair that everyone could have ice cream except for her. Their mother responded, “You can have ice cream when you lose at least ten pounds.”
Enough was enough. I immediately confronted Mrs. T and VERY loudly said that she was “bullying and humiliating her child,” that “if Katie developed an eating disorder it would be her fault,” and that she is “mean, rude, and judgmental.”
Mrs. T got rather heated as well, and snapped back, “You need to stay out of this. As Katie’s mother, it is my job to make sure she loses weight and doesn’t eat herself to death by age 30.”
Then she poked her index finger into Katie’s stomach and said, “Shame on you for eating so much.” Mrs. T and I argued for several more minutes, with her continuing to insist that it was none of my business.
Later that evening, my husband also said that I should not have gotten involved. Or at least I should not have confronted Mrs. T publicly and “undermined her parental authority” in front of her own kids. I disagreed. Since she was so publicly criticizing and humiliating Katie, I believe it was fitting that I stood up for Katie in an equally public manner.
AITJ for getting involved in a situation that was none of my business?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!!! I’m at a loss for words… I don’t even need to justify this. If this mother was truly concerned about her daughter’s health, their conversations around food and weight would look much different.
This is pure body-shaming and fat-phobia, and is a fast track to her poor twelve year old daughter hating her body and developing an eating disorder. At least this poor girl knows SOMEONE is in her court, rooting for her. You sticking up for her to her mom, that’ll stick with her.” shimmery_gremlin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the mom didn’t want to be embarrassed in public, perhaps she shouldn’t be humiliating a CHILD in public. And to make it worse, a quick web search seems to show that it’s a normal/healthy BMI for a 5 ft tall female.
My mom pulled that crap on me growing up, and at 42 I’m still figuring out how to see my body as it is and maintain a healthy weight. Looking back at pictures of me as a kid and teenager, tho, I was a completely healthy weight back then.
Oh, and I haven’t spoken to her in well over a decade. Best decision ever ever made.” Chicken-lady_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, for having empathy for the child. The fact that the mom is doing this in public must be humiliating for the child. And setting child against child in this by telling the other that it’s okay for them to have another piece of pizza, cake or whatever is horrible!
Sounds like the mom is so used to doing it at this point that she doesn’t even notice how hateful it sounds. If something doesn’t change, both the kids might have eating disorders in the future. Hopefully, mom took your advice to heart. If not, hopefully someone else will be brave enough to do the same thing in the future.
Because if mom does that in a public setting, you know she does it at home. I’ve been witness to grownups doing this to kids. I’ve seen the damage done too when the kid becomes an adult. It’s not a pretty thing.” 3more_T
14. AITJ For Letting In Early-Arriving Guests While Still Getting Ready?
“My partner (29m) and I (26f) planned to host a party at our apartment as our other flatmates were away for the weekend. We invited a mix of his workmates/friends and mine. I’m friends with quite a lot of his friends, but there’s still a few I don’t know that well.
We made a social media event and stated the starting time of the party was 7pm onwards, which we reiterated in posts leading up to the night, as my partner was working until 6pm and I had a hospital appointment. Fast forward to 4:45pm, I’ve literally just stepped out of the shower and see I have two missed calls and a text from my partner.
The text reads, “Hey so sorry but Matt (45m) and Lisa (43f) are outside and want to be let in. I asked them why they’re here so early and they said they were excited to get started. What shall we do?” Keep in mind my partner is at work still, and Matt and Lisa are his workmates that I’ve only met a handful of times.
I start panicking because I’m home alone, still dripping wet, and was planning on getting ready and setting up all the food, drinks, and music downstairs. Our apartment is next door to a lovely cafe and bar, so I text my partner and suggested they go sit and have a drink while I whip around the house and get ready ASAP.
My partner agreed this was a great idea and let them know.
Twenty minutes later, my partner texts, “No pressure, but they keep pestering me to come in—they don’t want to go for a drink.” At this point, I’ve barely got myself ready, and I start freaking out even more as I don’t want to be rude, but I also want to get the house ready for guests before the party starts.
I text him and say I need a bit more time, and to tell them sorry.
Another 20 minutes pass, and my partner texts to ask how it’s going (I found out later he was being bombarded with texts from these two while in the middle of an important work meeting that he was already anxious about).
At this point, I am so frazzled I decide to just let them in. I go outside and see them standing awkwardly looking irate. I greet them as sweetly as I can and am all of a sudden feeling immensely guilty. They barely acknowledge me and shuffle in behind me.
For the next 40ish minutes before my partner gets in, I’m rushing around setting up food, trying to be bubbly and make conversation while they sit on the couch and twiddle their thumbs. Then Matt says something about my “time management” skills and comments that we need party music.
Ugh.
Now I’m wondering if I should have just let them in initially and been confident enough to say, “Make yourselves at home, but I’m still getting ready.” I do have an anxiety disorder and ADHD, so I wonder if I completely overthought the whole ordeal and if I should have been more chill and less worried about setting up before everyone arrived.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“It’s one thing to be excited and show up 15-20 min early. It’s completely something else to show up 2 HOURS early and then be mad at the hosts. NTJ. These “friends” don’t seem very considerate and then to insult you about your time management when THEY SHOWED UP WAY EARLY?!
No.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Your partner’s response should have been, “As per the invitation, the party starts at 7pm, look forward to seeing you then!” And not responded to follow ups—I’d have blocked them while I was in a work meeting!
Nor should he have bothered you about it; this was a THEM problem, not yours. These inconsiderate jerks needed to solve THEIR own time management problem!” Gracey62
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you and your SO need to grow back bones. If they were bothering him at work, he should have put his phone away and focused on his meeting.
And you should have let them wait. It is completely unreasonable to show up that early and expect to be welcomed in, and you just rolled over.” SnooPets8873
13. AITJ For Making Dinner Out Of My Friend's Food While Dog Sitting On My Birthday?
“So a friend of mine asked if I could dog sit for him while he was out of town at the last second.
I immediately agreed, but immediately was kinda wished I didn’t because it was my bday and I had intentions of doing something with my family “that weekend. After I agreed, I asked him if I was expected to spend the night; he said he would prefer that.
I agreed mainly because he lives an hour and a half away, and I didn’t wanna make that drive four times. He told me he would pay me by filling my gas tank and that I could have all the beer I want in the house.
I had no problems with this transaction.
So, jumping to when I went over to dog sit, I drove over there straight after work, took care of the dog, and pretty much just watched TV while playing with the dog occasionally. Around midnight, I realized I hadn’t eaten all day, so I decided I was gonna get something to eat.
I decided against going to a McDonald’s or something like that because I just finished a beer—which ended up being the only beer I drank—and I know a lot of people might think one beer isn’t enough for them not to drive, but I’m pretty against drinking and driving, so I play it safe.
I decided to see what he had for snacks. His fridge was filled with food, and I decided to make a poor person’s quesadilla—just cheese and tortilla—and I only made one. I also grabbed one of those small bags of chips that you get from a variety pack, and later on I had a singular Oreo.
I figure none of this is a problem, especially since I’m spending two days at his house to watch his dog.
A couple days later, he calls me asking if I opened his pack of tortillas and cheese, and I said, “Yeah, I made myself a cheese quesadilla,” and he freaked on me, saying, “Why would you go through and take my food without asking?” I explained to him I got hungry in the middle of the night, and I figured it would be more rude to wake him up in the middle of the night to ask him something that, to me, felt very arbitrary.
I offered to buy him another pack of cheese and wraps since he was upset about it, but he just said, “Forget about it,” and that’s the last I heard from him.
Am I wrong for eating some of his food? I would understand if I made myself a whole dinner—like steaks or a stew or something—but I specifically chose to make a quesadilla because of that reason and the fact that I already have a phobia of overstepping boundaries, and that felt like the most reasonable thing to make.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Every time my brother-in-law dog sits for us, we pay him $25 a day and buy him groceries. Your buddy was not only wasn’t paying you to drive that far out of your way, he couldn’t spare $1’s worth of cheese and tortillas?
What a jerk. Dog sitters charge $50+ a day in these parts. You did your friend a massive favor, and he just showed his entire butt by being incredibly cheap.” beanfiddler
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are watching his dog overnight. People need food to survive, and you took a little bit of his food.
It would have been nice to ask first, sure, or bring your own, but it’s a tiny breach, you’re helping him out, and he is blowing up over a nonissue.” Ok_Carob7551
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Filling a tank of gas and letting you help yourself to the beer in the house isn’t adequate payment to be a dog sitter; most would charge much more if they can’t get a neighbor or family member to do it for a lot cheaper.
Also, any friend I know, I’d let them help themselves to anything in my fridge (contingent on it not being needed for a meal or something I was saving, and even then it’s rare). NTJ; and if he really demands payment, announce your rates for overnight dog sitting, dogsitting on your bday, or just to deduct it from the tank of gas he’s going to pay for.” [deleted]
12. AITJ For Telling My Mom I Don't Want Her Unsolicited Advice?
“For context I’m (19F) the eldest daughter of my family.
My parents and I have a typical Asian daughter-parent relationship where less emotions are revealed. I’ve grown up more independent and more closed off to my parents in comparison to my younger siblings. But I’m more comfortable with my dad than my mum.
Whenever we talk, it feels more like she’s interrogating me than just chatting with a person.
I’ve a habit of doing everything in secrecy. I purchased clothes in secret, completed my driver’s license permit without telling them, I won awards without showing them and other life achievements.
After my mum raised the point in an argument that I should stop doing everything secretly and that no one’s judging me at home, I decided this should be a turning point where I try to open up to them. Baby steps. Two days later I decided to discuss my plans for the week with my mum – university, a club I’m interested in joining, work and potentially go shopping together Friday night.
After I finished talking she started comparing me to my brother (hasn’t finished high school yet) on how I’m unable to study Bachelors of Science because my atar wasn’t high enough. I’m studying a Bachelors of Business. I didn’t want to study science because I have no interest in it.
I told her that there’s a lot that you can do with a Bachelor’s of Business and I just want a simple office job. She continued to argue with me about how “even Bachelor’s of Commerce could get you further in life.” This was when I gave up.
There’s no point trying to be open if she didn’t respect my interests and goals in life.
Fast forward to today, I went to rinse my work apron when my mum came to lecture me on how I should rinse the apron, but it was more like yelling to me because of her tone and her voice was raised (Dad later asked what’s wrong because he heard my mum).
Her voice was right next to my ear, so I asked her to stop yelling and that “I know what I’m doing so please don’t worry. You can go now.”
She then proceeds to say that “we (family) always tell you and give you advice but you always refuse to accept it.”
I say “I do accept it but you never seem to acknowledge it or care.”
“Do you talk like this at work too? With your coworkers? You know…”
“I don’t and at work you just have to put up with whatever is thrown at you anyways.”
I don’t remember exactly what she said after, but it was something along the lines of “we’re family…we can tell you and be close.”
I responded with “…I don’t want you to.”
“Really. Is that how you talk to your family?” And then she walked off.
I do wish that our relationship is better than what it is now, but sometimes it feels hard to talk to her, especially when she’s always talking about how I should be more open, my faults and what I should be doing. The only time we have “normal” enjoyable conversations is when we’re not at home, which is like three times a month.
So AITJ? Any advice?”
Another User Comments:
“Nope, NTJ. Being family isn’t something you chose, so you shouldn’t be expected to accept punishment for it. In some cultures (mostly Asian & Mediterranean), it’s unfortunately taken for granted that the parents can keep butting in and offering unsolicited criticisms and the kids are supposed to just accept it.
But that’s not healthy – and you have no obligation to tolerate it. You could try telling her ‘I want you to stop giving “advice” I didn’t ask for. I’m not interested in WHY you’re doing it, or how you’re justifying it – I simply want you to stop.
Can you do that?’. Worked for my parents, although they got pretty sour and irritated about it for a while. But if someone’s got that ‘I’m in charge and I’ll tell everybody what’s what’ attitude, unfortunately you need to draw a hard boundary and show them consequences for breaching it.
Good luck!” Anteatereatingant
Another User Comments:
“Oh dear god – and I thought my mum was bad! NTJ. Quite honestly, I’d go back into secretive Ninja Stealth Mode and GTFO of there as soon as you possibly can.” QHAM6T46
11. AITJ For Prioritizing My Mum And Fiancé Over Dad And Stepmum At My Graduation?
I (UK 27 F) graduated from a 6-year uni degree. I had the official ceremony & then my best friend & I decided to throw a big party in a private venue for all our family & friends to come to.
The uni emailed & said I was allowed to buy 2 guest tickets for the actual ceremony in the cathedral, but additional guests would need to wait outside.
I decided that the 2 people I wanted in the cathedral were my fiancé & my mum. These people are the closest to me & have supported me the most, therefore my priority.
I my dad & they said that it was a shame but they understand & they’re looking forward to coming to the party instead.
I took that response to mean they were ok with it. I booked the 2 tickets. My fiancé came with me.
My mum said she would come, but bring my step dad as they babysit my nephew, so my step dad would have to supervise the baby outside while my mum was in the ceremony.
The official photography was before the ceremony & I said I wanted a picture with my mum, by myself, and with my fiancé.
The photographer then did my photo & then said “now let’s get one with mum & dad” and I didn’t object because he’s been my step dad since I was 2YO & has always helped/supported me, so I thought it would be nice to have one with both of them.
Fast forward a week, I was spending the day with my dad. So we’re hanging out & I handed them the proof sheet for the graduation photos. I thought they’d want to see it as I knew they would want to order one of just me or me with my fiancé.
My step mum then handed it back to me & said “that’s really upset me” & stormed off. My dad said she’s just upset because your step dad was there & we weren’t. So I explained that he was there as a babysitter & that I wanted you 2 at the party.
If he wanted photos, we can use a gown and cap at the party so we can have proper photos, etc., at the party.
He was ok with this, so we headed off, but she was still upset, so I went over and apologised & said I never meant to upset her or anything like that & she said she wasn’t upset about her, but that I’ve “broken your dad’s heart”.
I was so confused as he was being quite rational & understanding & wasn’t upset at all.
I explained that, to be honest, I wasn’t bothered about the ceremony. It was really anticlimactic. I hated uni & that the party was more important to me because I could have ALL my friends, family & colleagues together to say thank you for their support.
I’ve never had a big party for anything in my life, so it is much more meaningful to me than the graduation.
Also, my dad & step mum are not close to me. We sometimes don’t get on &tbh they’ve not supported me through my degree whereas my mum & step dad have.
I still feel bad, like I’ve done something wrong.
Am I the jerk?
Another User Comments:
NTJ Your stepmum is a drama llama, and is trying to retroactively wreck your big day by making you feel like crap about it. And she’s pretending to speak for your biodad, when really it’s her own nose that’s out of joint: she’s angry because dad and she weren’t invited to the ceremony.
Congrats on your grad, ignore the haters, be nice to your dad but avoid stepmum as much as you can going forward. [deleted]
Another User Comments:
Absolutely not the jerk! It was emotionally immature of your step-mum to walk away before even hearing you out.
It sounds like she made up her mind about what happened and wasn’t willing to change it even after your dad listened to you and understood your very acceptable and logical reasoning. Speaking as someone who also grew up with 2 remarried parents, her judgemental attitude (getting upset straight after finding out only a slither of info) is the last thing you need when you’ve got different people in a divided family to please.
I can understand why your not close to her. It’s always difficult when you have a parent or stepparent who is too quick to judge due to being less mature than you despite being older. ReggieLFC
Another User Comments:
NTJ. You had every right to choose who you wanted to attend your graduation ceremony and who you wanted to take photos with.
Your dad and step mum should have respected your decision and not made it about themselves. They sound like they are trying to guilt trip you and make you feel bad for something that is not your fault. You don’t owe them anything. Congratulations on your degree!
10. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Stop Spending So Much On My Food?
“I’m 19F. My mom has always bought me as much food as I desired my whole life. But only until a few years ago, I really grasped how expensive eating so much takeout/special foods would cost. My parents are getting older, bills are getting more expensive, and I feel a huge guilt and resentment towards my parents for sacrificing so much for me.
My parents make a HHI of 160k per year, and I make around 12-14k on the side while in university. We are not in a bad spot, but high interest on mortgage lately is really making it insufferable.
My mom has taken up a part time this year on the weekends, and comes home pretty tired. It does not help that she has a bad leg and is physically incapable of handling all this.
My dad has told her to quit, and I feel shattered every time she comes home saying how tired she is, but she wants to keep going to the part time to alleviate expenses.
During the school year when I’m away from home, I spent about $100-$150 a month on groceries.
I did everything I could to lessen my daily expenses. I’ve become way too fixated on saving and small costs that even buying a takeout meal when I did not have time to cook was a big dilemma. It took me a whole month last April to have the courage to spend $8 on takeout.
However, now that I’ve moved back home for the summer and meals/groceries are taken care of by my mom, I feel something hard to describe. She spends a lot of money for me on food as usual, and buys so much unnecessary takeout for me too.
I get absolutely heated at her each time and say not to buy me food if I don’t ask for it. I tell her I never asked her for all this, and to stop wasting money on food I never asked to eat. I tried to tell her I will cook and prepare my own meals, but she doesn’t allow it.
I’m so mad, to be honest. I’m mad that she feels like she has to work 2 jobs to afford expenses yet spend so much on me.
I’ve never really told her how I feel, because I feel like it would be a soul-crushing conversation to have.
It already drives me insane for something that seems so small. She knows I do my best to save money, but it almost feels like she doesn’t respect it for unintentionally spending so much on me as well. I know she wants the best for me and to have yummy meals, but this isn’t what’s best for me.
I want to keep living frugal, and cook my own cheap meals and help my parents save money. Whether or not we are well off, I just feel better and enjoy living frugal and stretching the dollar.
So AITJ for telling my mom to stop spending so much money on food for me”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s good to have a conversation rather than commanding her, and to tell her how much you appreciate all she does. But remember: she gets to make her own choices. Once you communicate your preferences, she still gets to do what she wants and you have to let go of the choices she makes.” Ladiesbane
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I am guessing that your mom is happy to have you home and wants you to enjoy the food. Let your mom know that you want to be more independent. Since she is tired and has a bad leg, maybe consider cooking meals for the family to lessen her load.
Good luck OP.” 1indaT
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you are really obsessing about this issue and it is causing you a lot of anxiety and stress. Does your university have any person you can talk to about this? It might be possible that there is something else going on.” Kindly_Egg_7480
9. AITJ For Suing My Former Roommate After My Cat Ate Her D&D Terrain And Needed Surgery?
“My cat (Peanut) has separation anxiety. If he’s left alone for more than one night, he makes himself sick.
I was going out of town with friends for a weekend and wanted to make sure this wouldn’t happen, so I left him with my friend and former roommate (Mary) at her house. I figured since we used to live with Mary, this would be the least stressful option.
When I was dropping my cat off, I saw Mary had a packed bag by her garage door. I asked if she was going somewhere and she told me she was. She’d be gone for one night, but it would be fine because her sister and brother-in-law would be staying at her house for the weekend so my cat would be supervised. I was not happy with this because she had only told me about her family visiting, not her own trip.
I was the designated driver for my trip and needed to start picking people up from their places, so I had no time or other options for my cat’s care anymore.
Not even an hour after bringing him home, Peanut started throwing up. I was worried, but chalked this up to the stress of being separated from me and being around strangers for the weekend.
As he continued to be sick several times overnight, I took him to the vet right away Monday morning. We spent most of the day there; he got meds and fluids (the usual treatment for the separation anxiety) and we went home again. He did not improve or resume eating, and his stomach was starting to bloat, which was very strange given the other symptoms, so we went back to the animal ER a day later.
We got sent from the ER to an animal hospital quickly, where they found the problem: Peanut had eaten something he shouldn’t have and needed abdominal surgery. As he had not eaten anything since I had brought him home, this must have happened sometime while he was at Mary’s.
The surgery was successful and the culprit was a piece of foam, the stuff used to make custom D&D terrain out of. I don’t have this stuff in my apartment, but Mary has it in her house. The piece was just small enough for him to eat but big enough that it was blocking everything (including normal digestive fluid), which explained the bloating.
Peanut is home now with a goofy but medically necessary haircut and he’s on track to make a quick and complete recovery. Throughout this whole thing, I’ve been keeping family and friend group chats (a couple of which include Mary) apprised of what’s happening. I even specifically told her in a private message what caused the problem, but she hasn’t said anything to me for days now, so I’m not optimistic that she’ll initiate any kind of apology for her part in this.
So, would I be the jerk for pursuing legal action against her to recoup some or all of the cost of the veterinary bills for this, about $8K?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your cat ate something he wasn’t supposed to, which could happen literally anywhere regardless of who he was with.
Unless you genuinely expected someone to have their eyes on the cat 24/7 – and compensated them fairly for that kind of supervision – you’re not going to win a court case in the first place.” kase_horizon
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Why do you have a pet without having pet insurance?
Pets eat things, you can’t expect a pet sitter to be within arms’ length of the cat watching it like a hawk 24/7. You leave pets with other people accepting accidents or vet-requiring incidents may happen. Should your friend talk to you? Yes, but I feel like you’re probably being overly aggressive to her.
It’s not worth suing over and you have no idea if it happened while she was away or not, and as I said, you seem to have unreasonable expectations of what watching a cat entails. Suck it up, and get some pet insurance like a responsible pet owner.” BenynRudh
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for going straight to ‘legal action’ without talking to your friend directly about this first. And I don’t mean ‘telling her what caused the problem’, but asking her directly to contribute to the bill. Which I don’t agree with, BTW. Additionally, this was an accident.
The same thing could have happened anywhere, because cats are weird and they occasionally eat weird stuff. Plus, a blockage can happen from swallowing their own darn fur while grooming. Mary didn’t hurt your cat intentionally, and it’s not like she was negligent and let your cat out to be run over or something.
If I was Mary, I’d be sorry it happened, and even sorrier that you don’t have appropriate pet insurance. Because you don’t, this one’s on you.” hellouterus
8. AITJ For Accepting My Sister's Money And Creating Marital Strife?
“We met in my old school. She was sitting outside the front gates begging for food. I spoke to her and eventually told my parents to take her in. We couldn’t adopt her due to the fact that she had parents.
She had AWFUL parents, and neither her parents nor the government cared about her.
Basically, their child neglect case was dropped. She had matted hair and was noticeably underweight. We tried to help her to our best.
Around 12 years ago, she found herself a partner, Zach. He was so kind and caring. They really loved each other. They saw each other for 8 years and married 4 years ago.
Now, Lisa gives me a lot of stuff. She is “grateful” to me, she says, which is depressing as I see her as my sister and not someone who I helped for credits. Lisa earns around 300k per year and so does Zach, and that’s a lot of money.
She bought me a condo, a car, etc. with her money. I always tell her not to, but she tells me, “I would’ve died being left on the streets. I’m sorry I’m not good at expressing myself with words, so I hope my money lets you know that I’d work hard to make sure you’re happy.” (copy and pasted her text.)
She sends me a lot of money monthly as pocket money too. I told her not to, again. I let her know I’d treat her normally and lovingly whether she gave me money or not, that it is totally unnecessary. However, she continues.
This has definitely caused a fight with Zach.
He said it’s stupid; she’s waiting tens of thousands of dollars on me yearly as I’m an “expensive jerk” and that if she was to invest this or help the poor, etc., it would be better. Here’s a text he sent me:
“I’m tired of you being near (Lisa).
Look, I love you as a sister-in-law, you’re polite, etc., but this is really serious. We want a future; however, it’s hard watching (Lisa) suffer over spending money on you. She loves you a lot and I hope you stop being materialistic. Your parents have a ton of money to spend on you.
So please stop using my wife.”
It was awkward. I then told my sister it’s okay for her to stop wasting money on me. She was confused and grabbed my phone and checked the texts because she suspected Zach said something to me. To keep it short, they are divorcing and Zach is emotionally wrecking over this.
I do believe I’m TA, that I don’t need her money, I’m already financially privileged. But I also feel like I am not TA because it’s not my fault. My parents “tsk-tsk’ed” me for this and said, “We could’ve just given you more money. You really had to bother your sister?” I find myself randomly crying over this and really do need someone’s opinion.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You’re not a gold digger. Lisa has a pathological need to spend money on you and take care of you. She needs to get into counseling to figure out where this need comes from and to help her come to terms with the fact that she doesn’t OWE you anything.
That debt was paid long ago. As for the divorce, it’s not about you. There were problems there & hubs decision to involve you was the breaking point for her. Encourage Lisa to get into therapy. Tell her you will not accept any more money from her until she finds a counselor who fits for her and starts working through her issues.
Hugs and Good Luck” QuinGood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You weren’t asking, she was expressing her gratitude financially, probably because she was so poor as to be reduced to begging and you saw her humanity and told your parents to take her in. To her, spending money on you now that she can is the best way to repay you.
Her husband is a piece of work, though, assuming you’re asking for everything, not understanding that she has been blessed and is acting from her heart.” Emotional_Bonus_934
Another User Comments:
“YTJ If you knew it was an issue between her and her husband you should’ve just not accepted the money, especially if you’re already getting handouts from your parents.
They got divorced because of you, and if they were really as in love as you say they were, you ruined what could have been a once in a lifetime thing for both of them.” MrChaddious
7. AITJ For Cutting Off My Toxic And Emotionally Abusive Father?
“Since childhood, my father (49 M) has been distant, rarely visiting my brother (13 M) and me (16 F) in another city. Despite this, I admired him as a smart and kind person, that I thought he was.
Our lack of a real relationship was due to his terrible wife who insulted me and claimed my father would never be proud of me because of my appearance. He never defended me, paid child support, or assisted my mother while spending money on lavish outings with partners.
Last year, I was struggling with depression and had recently discovered my attraction to girls, which added to the turmoil in my mind. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, especially my father, who had caused me so much pain by failing to build a relationship with me.
On one of his visitation weekends, I stayed over at my friend’s house (let’s call her Potato) and decided to dye my hair red, knowing he doesn’t like it (although I had dyed my hair multiple times before, it had never been a big issue).
When my father saw my hair, he became furious and started yelling at me. We returned home, and I texted Potato about his irrational behavior. He forcefully took my phone and began threatening my friend over the phone. I pleaded with him to stop, but he ignored me and proceeded to read all my text messages.
He discovered that I had kissed two boys at a party and proceeded to call me derogatory names, comparing me to the substance-altered girls he encountered on the streets.
As I tried to retrieve my phone from him, it accidentally turned off (he didn’t know the password), which further aggravated him.
He threatened to break my phone, despite not having paid for it, but I refused to unlock it. In a fit of anger, he locked me in my room for two days, denying me contact with anyone and forbidding me from leaving until I unlocked the phone for him.
Fortunately, my brother was present and managed to contact our mother to inform her of the situation, although she couldn’t immediately come to my rescue due to being away at the time. This wasn’t the first time he had subjected me to such circumstances; there was a previous instance when we argued over a math problem when I was ten years old.
The memories of these experiences triggered a panic attack.
Afterward, my mother initially believed my father’s lies but eventually understood my perspective. Reclaiming my phone was difficult, with my mother reviewing the messages and reassuring me of my worth. Our interactions have been limited since, and I refuse to sleep at his house.
He accuses me of disrespect, claiming I’ll regret our strained relationship. However, I’m uncomfortable and have tried but failed to reconcile.
Ironically, now that he’s seeing someone new, he seeks my approval and only engages when his partner is present. He even introduced her to a school event, where she clearly wasn’t invited, and ignored me throughout the entire occasion.”
Another User Comments:
“No, NTJ. He’s the jerk. Don’t believe the rhetoric that your parents deserve your respect. That they’re entitled to a relationship with you. You gotta earn your kids’ trust and love. Tuition and clothes only counts for so much. The damage an absent parent (proximity or emotional distance) can inflict on a kid would stun a team of oxen in their tracks.
Start healing now. If you’re able, talk to a counselor, start the conversation about what is and isn’t your fault, what healthy relationships feel like, and begin the process of setting boundaries to protect yourself in the future. Good luck, friend.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This father of yours sounds like a total toxic human who only cares about himself. There’s a reason your mom split from him. Take that as a clue. I know you really want a father in your life but it’s not worth being mistreated like this.
Take care of yourself and do what feels right to you and your mental health.” jippyzippylippy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your father is responsible for how good a parent he is. It is not the fault of his wife/partner or anybody else. He chooses to act in this way.
It hurts you. Why would you want to continue to see him? You are not going to cure whatever his problem is.” Fancy_Avocado7497
6. AITJ For Bringing Up All The Early Morning Rides And Sacrifices?
“My (33M) husband and (29F) I have been together for 6 years. He totaled his car during month one. We lived 2 hours apart, so every Friday I’d pick him up; Monday I’d drop him off at 5:30 am (we’d leave at 3:30 am).
He never paid for gas. When I visited, I’d run errands for him (haircut, drycleaning, groceries). I know I was dumb for doing everything, but he was always kind and patient when I had to prioritize my parents.
Year 3, we moved in together (all the furniture, kitchenware, etc., we used is mine because I lived alone for 6 years).
He retired from the military. We split bills 50/50. When we got married, he kept the increased BAH (basic housing allowance; you get more if you’re married). I offered to pay for our Tricare because it was cheaper than my own plan with BCBS.
Year 4, I got into med school.
His retirement was more than enough, so he offered to take over rent ($1100), water, and electric. I still paid for personal things, Tricare, pets’ expenses, and internet.
Then my dad passed away. Our 1b/1b apartment was increasing to $1900. My inheritance was almost enough for a down payment.
My mom and I went 50/50 on a 3 bed/3 bath new-build house, for my husband and me to rent. He agreed to pay her $1300 for rent for “both of us.” Average rent for a 3b/3b is $2400. My mom insisted on $1300 (<50% of the mortgage) because she wanted to help my share since I was in school.
Side note, she also comes to visit once a month, cleans the entire house, spends ~$200 on our groceries/household supplies, and meal preps our favorite meals enough for a week.
Today (year 2 of med school), he’s meeting friends 30 minutes away. He planned to take my car without asking.
I asked, “Since you’re going to HobbyTown, can you drop me off at the library?” Him: “How far is it? I want to get there before they do.” It was only 10 minutes away from the game store, to which he responded, “Why don’t you just take your dad’s car and I’ll take your car?” I don’t like driving my dad’s car for sentimental reasons, and the gas is 3x more expensive.
He then suggested me dropping him off first, and then picking him up and going to dinner with everyone. I didn’t want to because that would take time out of studying. (I’m studying for my medical board exam, 14 hours/day).
We argued (ETA: for over 6 hours), and he insisted it was “inconvenient” for him to drop me off and didn’t understand why I “couldn’t just make it easier on everyone.” I then snapped and said, “You know what’s really inconvenient?
Me driving you to and from Fort ABC for 3 years at 3 am while I was doing a masters, working 30 hours a week, and a fulltime caretaker, while you slept in the car the whole way.” His response, “Well what’s inconvenient is me paying all of your bills so you can live right now!”
I wanted to do an equal comparison—him not wanting to drive me somewhere 10 minutes away despite me driving him around for 3 years. But it came off wrong. So AITJ for bringing up how I drove him around?”
Another User Comments:
“You guys a lot bigger problems than driving to the library.
A few things to note: 1. If you don’t drive your dad’s car at least once a month things will go bad on it and it will be worthless. 2. You’ve left a lot out. Why isn’t your husband working? He’s not too old and you say retirement so he’s not disabled. Why isn’t he working while you go to med school?
3. Why is your mom paying half your mortgage while your lazy husband doesn’t work? There are a lot of issues here. ESH” Wandering_aimlessly9
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I honestly don’t understand why he can’t take 10 minutes out of his day to drive you somewhere when you need him to.
It’s not a big ask. Even without you driving him in the past. Both sides should be there for each other when needed. If he can’t do that for you without a valid reason, I wonder what else he’s not willing to do for you.” yakkedee_yakkersome
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You are doing some very complicated favour math to figure out what’s ‘fair.’ Seems that you might need a few big conversations with your husband. Partnerships are 100%, but rarely exactly 50/50 all the time. Sometimes one person only has 20 to give and the other picks up the other 80.
In the long term, you are ideally working towards the same goals. Favour math suggests you don’t see it this way.” yarnvoker
5. AITJ For Insisting On Being On The Mortgage Despite Earning Less?
“We’ve been together for almost 5 years, he’s a wonderful partner and has never made me feel like I’m not his equal. He’s the one who earns a lot more money and has had a stable income for almost 10 years now while I’ve mostly had part-time jobs at different restaurants and now I’ve finally landed a full-time proper job in a different industry.
He’s also very frugal with his money, meaning he’s saved most of his earnings and when he applies for a loan, he’ll be able to offset most of it in the short term. He prefers home-cooked meals (I cook, he cleans) and doesn’t really buy things on a whim.
That being said, he’s very generous with me still and we do go out on hangouts at times, always pays for both of us. He’s what made me more mindful of my spending habits over the years.
So my dilemma – We live in Australia and although I don’t have much in savings, I’m privileged that I have parents back home who still support me.
They paid for my rent since moving here to study, bills, and groceries. I’m still on their credit card line to this day so yes I know I’m spoiled. That also made me a bit lax with the saving bit because when I was single, I didn’t really need to support myself and spent maybe about half of my earnings on stuff.
I’ve since smartened up with my savings and continue to tuck away about 70% of my pay every time. My partner has always planned to buy a house and is now looking around for a property and shopping for loan offers. I offered to help with repayments but he said he doesn’t expect me to and he’s more than prepared for this because he’s been basically saving up his whole life.
I said, “Well, other couples in his circle have a mortgage together,” and he’s explained that because my salary is significantly lower than his, it doesn’t make sense and that I wouldn’t be able to make regular repayments. He said that if the situation was reversed, would I be happy for his name to be put in the title when he’s only going to be able to contribute less than 20% overall?
I don’t know what the right answer is because the “emotional me” would say yes. He says I shouldn’t worry and that I do other things and bring other strengths to this relationship. He’s always said it’s OUR money so I said, “Well, why can’t I be part of it and help if that’s the case?” But yeah I also said I feel a bit insecure because I have no stake in this, you know?
We have a joint savings account that we put equal amounts into every month. We’ve been doing that for the past 3 years and use that to pay bills and groceries as well now that we live together. He’s paid for a lot of my things and documents even though I have money for it and I’ve never asked him to do that.
I also insisted on going half on a big expense for my stay here but he said I should save that money instead.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you insist. You aren’t married, aren’t engaged, and this is what he has been saving for since before you two even met.
You have no real skin in the game, and it’s him that would lose out if things went south, while you’d benefi. It’s smart on his part to not put you on it at this stage.” nephelite
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He is helping because he wants to, and the relationship sounds healthy.
Sounds like you trying to find a problem where there is none. IF you want equity then I suggest you get some yourself or put money into some long-term investment. You used the word insecure which tells me this is about something else. You don’t need to buy a house together to feel ‘invested.’ Trust the relationship but still save money and invest.” h3llios
Another User Comments:
“First off, No jerks here. Nobody is being spiteful or mean, you care about each other, feeling insecure about the future is a reasonable thing when you are not married. Emotions are not always unreasonable. Second, buying a house anywhere but the sticks is impressive in this climate, he must have a pretty decent job.
Third, talk to him about this. Tell him you are having emotions. Maybe ask if you can draw up a document outlining your respective stakes in the property. Maybe he is genuinely being generous and wanting to take care of you in this, but that doesn’t just mean looking after you financially, he needs to take care of you emotionally.
Ask him if there’s a particular reason he wants to not have your name on the mortgage. As far as I’m aware, there’s no reason adding extra income to the mortgage – even a small one – should be a bad thing for the bank.
They take the sum, not the average.” AutisticPenguin2
4. AITJ For Finally Leaving My Chronically Late And Cancer-Stricken Mother?
“My mother, for my whole life, has never been on time. If I need something done that is time sensitive, my mother is at the bottom of the list. When we are trying to get out the door at a certain time, we are at least an extra 40 minutes because she’s still getting ready.
My mother is one of the most time blind people I have ever met. When I was in college, my move put time was 7 am, a time we both agreed on, that she then proceeded to not show up to because she was still asleep.
Something she never apologized for, and was, in fact, angry that I was upset that she forgot about me. As a kid, I was stranded at school for 2 hours waiting for her to show up for teacher-parent conferences. Again, when I told her I was upset, she was mad that I was upset at her for again being late.
I used to lie to her about the times things started at so she’d be on time, and she still always managed to be late.
Because of growing up with a constantly late mother, I also, for a period of time, was always late. In the past year or so, I have worked hard to be less of a flake, and for the most part, I am usually on time.
Recently, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and she has obviously no energy and is even more late now. We made plans for lunch the other day, and before I left, she told me she was running late and would meet me 20 minutes later than expected. That’s fine.
I expected her to be late, so I proceeded to sit at the cafe for another 30 minutes before getting frustrated and leaving. I have spent my whole life waiting for her, and I finally got fed up and left. But not before telling my friend who works at the cafe how passed I am.
I then proceeded to return to my home only to receive a call from my mother, who was upset I left. I told her I got tired of waiting and that I’m tired of her never being on time. She makes the point that her being sick has made it more difficult and that she has always been patient with me and shown up for me, and that I was being unfair.
I then told her that I have put in the effort to be more punctual and that I’m tired of her always getting mad at me for being upset when she’s not on time.
We then get off the phone, and I then call her 5 hours later to check in, and she tells me that I really hurt her and that she spent the whole day crying.
She tells me that she needs space and that she’ll call me when she feels better.
I feel guilty for hurting her but upset because I have spent 23 years of my life waiting for her to be on time!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My mom is late when it comes to family and some friends.
There is always one extra thing to do. It gets annoying and hurtful not having your time respected since you respect their time. If it is important, I lie about the time. Otherwise, I assume she will be 20-30 minutes late. 50 minutes after your initial time with no sign of her is reason to leave.
Are you supposed to put your whole day on pause because of her? She is weaponizing her cancer against you.” jazzy_flowers
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She obviously never had anyone stand up to her before regarding her blatant disregard for people’s time. It’s sad that she has an illness, but she was like this BEFORE the illness.
Her guilt-tripping you and saying she was “crying all day” is terrible. She can express hurt feelings without being that dramatic. It sounds like she needs to grow up and stop using emotional manipulation to “get her way” or get out of “trouble” when you get upset for her not respecting your time.
I’m glad you started working on yourself when you realized you were also slipping into the bad habit of constantly being late. Keep it up! Stay dependable. Sadly, your mom isn’t going to change, so you should keep on telling her earlier times to offset her lateness.” nzPandas23
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you really should have had a serious talk about this a long time ago. ‘Mom, I can’t be late. If you’re not at the Location by Time, I will give it 15-20 minutes, and then I will leave.’ You spent years letting her get away with it (meaning after you reached adulthood, of course, you couldn’t do anything when you were still a kid) and then you just did this with no real notice that actual consequences were forthcoming.
So, you can continue to lie and tell her things start earlier than they do (if it’s a timed event). But then let her know. ‘Mom, the movie starts at XX:xx, if you’re not there on time, I’m going in.’ If it’s a thing like meeting for brunch, I’d just assume she’s going to stick to her usual routine of being late and not show up until you would normally expect her.
If you set a brunch date for 11am, show up at noon, you know she’s not going to be any earlier than that. And bring something constructive or fun to do so you’re not sitting there staring angrily into space.” User
3. AITJ For Not Letting My Dad Overstay My Vacation Time?
“I (43F) only get a small amount of vacation time each year, and when I do, my husband (43M) and I coordinate it so we can spend it with our son (22M) at a house we have in our old hometown.
It’s the highlight of the year, and if I could live there full time, I would, but usually we spend about two weeks out of the year there at most. The issue is, my father (65M) lives an hour and a half away, and every time we visit, he insists on spending several days with us as a houseguest.
I love my father, and it’s great that we have the opportunity to spend the time together, but a few months ago, he heard we were in town and decided to make the drive to stay with us for 3 out of the 7 days we had there, so this was almost 50% of the vacation.
When we lived there, he would drive in in the morning and leave after dinner. I would even be completely okay if he were to stay an overnight and leave the next morning. But when he comes now, he stays LONG, and he’s not very independent, meaning we always feel like we’re on the clock.
For example, he’s not the type of guy that can just hang out and read a book when there’s down time. He will simply sit on the couch in silence and wait for us to entertain him.
The other problems are with his interests.
He’s completely far gone in the news rabbit hole, and because of this, he’s become incredibly politically radical and it’s almost all he talks about. He will talk about absurd and hateful things, full volume as if he’s objectively right, but it’s very embarrassing because he is not.
He is also pretty sexist, and as a woman, this boggles my mind. He refuses to touch a dish other than to scarf down whatever is on it, and he expects me to wait on him hand and foot without even a thank you.
This leads me to the final problem: he’s just a bad houseguest. He leaves the seat up, doesn’t offer to help with anything, talks exclusively politics and religion, and he overstays his welcome.
A welcome that he created himself.
I know this sounds harsh, but I really do love him. He is my dad, and since he is a recent widow, I know that must be hard. But this isn’t even the first time we’ve seen him this year, because he invited himself to our home on multiple other occasions as well.
We make an effort to spend time with him and as a result we see him more times a year than we see our son who is living in the city going to college full time. In addition, I am not an only child; he spends time with my brother as well, but I always seem to be the one who has to take the overnights.
So I ask- AITJ for not wanting to spend my limited vacation time with him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ BUT. You have a minefield of an issue here. We all have those family members that say and do things we can’t stand. The normal idea would be to have a conversation with him and kindly explain that you want alone time with your son and his visits interfere with it.
Reading the tea leaves, this will not go well. You need to be firm and kind, but expect the “newsie” in him to re-emerge, and I feel that is the reason for your post. You can’t keep living like this and he can’t dictate visits.
Set out boundaries and STAND BY THEM. It may end badly, but you have already suggested appropriate ways for him to visit so his complaining seems to be part of his “newsie” side.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re entitled to spend your vacation time with whomever you choose.
Telling him this doesn’t sound like it’s going to be easy, but you’re going to have to pop on your big girl pants and say something like “Hey Dad, we’re coming to the house, but we’ve made plans that involve the three of us.
We’d love to see you another time but at the moment we want the chance to bond.” User
Another User Comments:
”NTJ – You and your family deserve time to enjoy and bond with each other however you like. It does seem like your Dad might not take it easily if you break it to him, but I think it should be done.
Also, maybe being more strict in the sense of not wanting him to discuss certain topics you don’t like. Just because at the end of the day they are our family doesn’t mean we need to always tolerate and deal with certain opinions of theirs.
Due to the possible chance he won’t listen to you kindly telling him that you want alone time with your family, make it so that if he visits you’re not attending to his needs and always entertaining him. Sometimes by doing so you’re adding fuel to the fire and making it worse, and it might be seen as a further opportunity to always join you uninvited.” User
2. AITJ For Not Waiting On My Parents At My Gender Reveal Party?
“I recently had a gender reveal party for my child in which my parents were 30 minutes late. Am I the a hole for not waiting for them to arrive?
My parents were told the party starts at 2 o’clock and to be there on time because we would do the gender reveal at 2:15 and no later.
We let them know that we were doing it at 2:15 and no later because we had other people there that had to leave for the airport as well as work at 2:30.
We waited until 2:25 to actually do the reveal, trying to give them a grace period due to them driving 1 hr to be there.
Once they arrived at 2:30, my mother stayed in the vehicle, and I was told that she did not feel comfortable staying for the rest of the party and felt as though she needed to just go home because it was not fair that we did not wait on the grandmother to get there.
A little more context to the story. My family and I have had a rocky history over the last 3 to 4 years, in which we did not talk for over a year in 2021 to 2022. (Arguments between my parents and myself, my parents and my now wife, my parents and my in-laws.) The week before my wedding, my dad gave me a phone call and let me know that he did not approve of my wife and that he did not want for us to get married based off of no real interaction between my wife and my family.
My wife and I got married in 2020 just before the shut down. When it was time to start, my parents were nowhere to be found and they showed up right at the start time for the wedding. I stood there, waiting to walk out, watching my parents, my siblings, and my grandparents pace back and forth trying to decide if they wanted to stay for the wedding or not.
They did not sit down until the wedding planner very strongly told them, “Sit down or go home. We are starting now.” They delayed our wedding by 30 minutes due to them being late. After the wedding, they barely stayed to even take pictures with my wife and me before they left without even saying goodbye.
After the wedding, I had a conversation with my cousins, who let me know that they had lunch with my parents after the wedding and that they spent the entire day bashing and talking negatively about my wife and me and how they believe that my wife and I will end in divorce.
After a year or so of not talking to them, my wife and I decided that at the beginning of this year, we would try to rebuild our relationship with them. During this time, they have been anywhere from 15 minutes to 1 and a half hours late to events or dinners.
I’m just trying to figure out: Am I the a hole for not waiting for them, or is it justified?”
Another User Comments:
“You set a very clear boundary. You told them what time the event starts, when they were expected to arrive, and when the reveal was to happen.
They knew and didn’t do it. That’s how boundaries work. Maybe next time they will know you are serious about the start time – but there doesn’t need to be a next time. That’s up to you. NTJ. It hurts, but you did a good job and have no fault.
You stuck to the clearly shared plan. High Five.” HappyCamper82
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, what you have is a parent problem doing a dirty protest. They do not like you getting married. Turn up late, gender reveal party… turn up late; whatever you plan, they will protest your life choices.
It is a passive-aggressive play. Do not get sucked in anymore. Invite them to stuff, but do not make them the centre of attention. Late? Too bad, you missed it; they need to know by your actions that they are not central to how you live your life and with whom.” Senior_Sentence6230
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You told people to show up on time and made that really clear for a special one-time occasion. Your parents should have made proper arrangements to ensure they were there on time. I get that traffic, etc., happens, but their lack of planning is not your emergency.
Your mom somehow tried to make YOUR party about her, which is petty and ridiculous. But unfortunately, it fits a pattern of them being disrespectful and disapproving. I know you want to rebuild a relationship with them, and that’s your right, but frankly, they seem to insist on tardiness as a sign of continued disapproval of you/your wife.
Perhaps it’s time to go LC/NC again?” [deleted]
1. AITJ For Lying To Avoid Hosting My Friend's Rude Partner?
“Wife and I live in the countryside but we have a very cozy, up to date house. Friend contacted me saying he’d drive in our area on his way for a camping trip with his new partner. Wife and I are happy to invite them over for supper and to stay the night.
My friend is pretty easy going, happy to be there, no bad comments about the area we live in or the house itself. In fact he absolutely loved it.
Moment they got there, I offer to help bring things inside. She says no and say my buddy will take care of it.
No problem with that. She had 5 suitcases. They are going camping for 4 days! Whatever, no worries. Come to find out she doesn’t like dogs because a dog bumped into her when she was a kid and she fell. Didn’t get hurt other than her ego.
We have 3 large dogs… We crated two of them and let the best behaved one out. He’s very sweet and didn’t bother her other than sitting nearby with his back turned to her. Most unprovocative behavior from a dog.
Next she proceeds to tell us she’d never live in our area or even in the countryside.
My buddy and I are big on hunting, fishing, quads, hiking and camping and so is my wife. So she’s obviously not fitting in. She proceeds to analyze everything she can get her hands on bashing anything locally made and distributed. We love to support local. I don’t care if you do or don’t as long as if you come to my house, you don’t openly judge, which she is doing (local beef which is prime quality, local soaps etc.).
The whole evening is painful and we feel like we are getting harshly judged by her. My buddy is uncomfortable and my wife has to excuse herself multiple times to go relax a little bit. We went to bed that night and talked about how unpleasant she was.
Wife asked if I could make sure she’d never come back. I said “I don’t think it will be an issue, I doubt she wants to anyways.”
Next morning, my friend and I barely had time to say bye, she’s pretty much dragging him out the door right after breakfast. No thank you, nothing.
So here’s my AITJ moment: My friend reached out a few days later saying they had to cut their trip short and asking if they could spend the night on the way back and he’d invite us to the restaurant that evening. I politely declined saying I had to work the next morning at stupid o’clock and wouldn’t be able to accommodate that request. AITJ for lying to my friend in order to not have to suffer his partner presence?
Or since he’s a good friend should I have put my wife and myself through it for the couple of hours? What would you guys have done and why? (Said friend said he understood and he’ll stop by later on in the fall with his motorbike … without her, I think)”
Another User Comments:
NTJ. 50 bucks says they cut their trip short because she hates camping but wasted everyone’s time because she thinks a fully powered permanent tepee ala glamping is camping. She was an awful guest before whatever cut their trip short, I’m sure she’d be absolutely insufferable now.
Honestly, I’m sure your friend knows that his partner outstayed her welcome. The white lie helps him save face and keeps her out of your house. If he didn’t notice how rude she was then he’s still stuck in the haze, and it’s not worth the fight of flat out saying “your partner is way too city, please keep her there” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You could have told a softened version of the truth “It really did not seem like your partner enjoyed herself the last time and it was a bit of a stressful evening, so we would rather not, you are always welcome though.”, but if your friend is perceptive, he might have understood anyway.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I’d be honest. You were disrespected in your own home and he’s really a good friend he’ll understand. You shouldn’t have to lie at all just be up front about it.” User
