People Are Curious To Know Our Sentiments Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Calling The Cops On My Significant Other For Using My Car?
“So, I have been seeing this guy ’30M’ (Kevin) for several months now. We’d visit each other weekly and last week, he spent the night with me.
The next morning I woke up at 9. am and couldn’t find him or my car. I searched for the car key that was in the bottom drawer in my son’s room (I usually hide it in there and no one knows about this secret place) but couldn’t find it.
I freaked out and tried calling Kevin but his phone was dead so I ended up calling the police after waiting for like 10 minutes.
Shortly after, I discovered that Kevin was found with my car at the supermarket’s parking lot. He was taken in by authorities and the car was returned. He was fuming at me saying I should not have called the cops because he took the car to go by us for ‘breakfast’.
In my defense, I said he never asked for my permission and I never gave him the okay to drive it. He argued that he thought I wouldn’t mind much less escalate and call the cops after he’s done a nice thing for me and my son.
He said he never had issues with cops but because of me now they thought he was a thief.
We haven’t talked since then. His brother keeps berating me saying I messed up and acted stupidly.
AITJ for freaking out and calling the cops? I didn’t even know how he got the key.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This guy is dangerous, dangerously stupid, or both.
That he must have gone through YOUR CHILD’S room to get the key is troubling, but perhaps you weren’t all that secretive about hiding the keys there. He might have noticed exactly where they were, but combined with his presumption that he’s allowed to drive your car, he shows a highly concerning lack of boundaries.
It was extremely foolish to not leave any sort of note or text message when taking your car, and he didn’t even leave his phone on. Even with the generous benefit of the doubt, he isn’t concerned with communicating with you.
Lastly, he’s upset WITH YOU rather than being apologetic.
This is the most concerning to me because it indicates that he’s unwilling to learn or improve such behavior going forward. People make dumb silly mistakes, but if he’s unwilling to take your legitimate feelings seriously and respect your concerns, other mistakes will be frequent and repetitive.” subaru_sama
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and for goodness sake please don’t ignore all the red flags here. He went into your son’s room and searched it! That usually is the last place you’d put something so guess what? He probably searched the rest of your house first which means he was doing this for quite a long time while you were sleeping.
If he wanted to get breakfast, first of all, I assume you already have some food he could have used.
Second, if you didn’t have food, he could have just waited until you woke up, not spend who knows how long snooping through your house.
Also, he’s not even the one responding or apologizing, his brother is the one harassing you. I would press charges and certainly, DON’T let this creep near our child or you!” Rockandahardplace69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Generally speaking, when you take a car you don’t own without permission, you can be charged with a felony.
Not a minor ‘oops I made a mistake, sorry.’ The fact that he went so far as to find the key that you KEPT HIDDEN EVEN FROM HIM to take the car indicates a complete disregard for your boundaries, let alone his reaction after you discovered the vehicle missing.
You absolutely have the right to set boundaries around who has access to your vehicle and when. You are not unreasonable for calling the police when those boundaries are crossed and your vehicle is missing, along with the whole person who turned out to have taken it without permission.
(Also known as stealing)
If this man wants the police not to think he’s a thief, he should try, I dunno, not stealing things.
Did I say NTJ?
NTJ.” GazelleOfCaerbannog
18. AITJ For Not Allowing My Sister-In-Law's Son To Sleep In My Daughter's Crib?
“So my (30f) husband’s (33m) brother (34m), brothers wife/SIL (32f), and their son (20 months) are planning to visit us next week and stay for the week since we live several states away and don’t get to see each other often.
Quick background: my SIL has never been very kind to me. Some examples include her not inviting me to her wedding (my husband and I were serious then), not inviting me to her birthday (very serious then), refusing to get her hair and makeup done for my wedding (I asked her to be a bridesmaid for my husband) which, by the way, I’m aware this is silly but every other wedding she went to that year as a bridesmaid – she got her makeup done – and at this point,t I was so sensitive to her that little things hurt.
Anyway – The other week I texted my SIL asking her plans on where her son will be sleeping. She responded that her son should take my daughter’s (5 months) crib and she should sleep in the pack-n-play. I explained that this wouldn’t work for us because she just started sleep training, we just moved her to the crib from the bassinet and I don’t want to displace her from her bed while she’s still getting used to it.
She responded that since her son is bigger he should obviously get the crib because the pack-n-play will be too small for him and since my daughter is so young that she can sleep anywhere. At this point, I was already getting frustrated but I offered to buy them a travel crib (for up to 50lbs) that he can sleep in since that should alleviate the size issue.
She also declined this option and said that this conversation was ridiculous since I should just give them the crib and that she was trying to help me sleep train my daughter.
Anyway – I again reiterated that I would prefer my daughter sleep in her own crib and suggested she look into renting a crib via babyquip and that we can split the total with them.
To this, she responded that that is not happening and that she wanted us to pay for all the costs or just give up and give her son the crib. Anyway, I told her that the only solution cannot be her son getting my daughter’s crib and that very often things are her way or the Highway to which she responded maybe they shouldn’t come.
This conversation was about 3 weeks ago and we have not spoken since. They’re supposed to come next Thursday but Im feeling so uncomfortable with the whole situation. So AITJ for not giving up the crib?
Edit for context: the crib is currently in our primary bedroom.
She does not sleep in her own room yet.
UPDATE: I know it’s also on me for being such a pushover and doormat all these years – I was always hoping we could become close friends but lol the feeling is very clearly not mutual. However, now she’s messed with my baby and I’m mad, to be honest. I’m making my husband deal with it and told him we have the pack-n-play or they can figure it out.
Also that she’s not allowed in our house without a proper apology. I don’t know if this is the best solution but baby steps.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your SIL is exhausting, but stop talking to her. Your BIL and SIL are not coming for you, they’re coming for your husband.
Let him be the one that handles it because it seems to me they do not respect you but your husband probably has no problem telling his brother to go climb a tree (siblings can get away with saying things to each other that people can’t).
Make your terms clear to your husband: ‘You can let your brother & fam stay here, but they WILL NOT take our bed or our child’s crib for themselves’.” Oxfordcomma42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – a child of that age can sleep on the floor on a makeshift mattress.
He could even sleep in the same bed as his parents if it’s big enough. Or maybe one of the parents can sleep on the floor on an air mattress while the kid sleeps in comfort in the bed with the other parent!
Your SIL is very entitled. She needs to sort her own kid out and bring what she needs with her, not expect to kick a baby out of their own bed.
Hopefully they decide not to come.” KitchenDismal9258
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and saying that her son is too big to sleep in a pack-and-play is absolute lunacy. You said he’s 20 months? I have a three-year-old who can still sleep in a pack-and-play in a pinch and he’s tall for his age!
This doesn’t sound like an issue with the sleep situation, it sounds like a control issue. Just like the refusal to get her makeup done for your wedding, she’s trying to assert dominance over your life (maybe her spouse mistreats her? Maybe she got issues?) But it sounds like she’s decided that she has to be in control of you and that’s a huge red flag.
Don’t reach out to her. If she shows up, make sure she understands the sleep situation before you even let her in the door. The first sign of disagreement from her is that she can leave. Make it clear she doesn’t run your life, especially in your own home.” lurker0277
17. AITJ For Causing My Mom To File For Bankruptcy?
“My mom has trauma and major control issues. We’ve never gotten along, but it got better after I left. Her verbal and mental mistreatment put me in therapy.
I (18f) recently left home for college, but I visit a few times a year. On one of my visits, I learned that my mom (38f) had taken in a homeless kid (17m).
He was my sister’s friend, and he was kicked out for smoking, something my mom doesn’t care about. They had all gotten close enough that he was calling her Ma.
I saw firsthand how sweet, respectful, and un-burdensome he was. He made his bed every morning, cleared my plate after I ate breakfast, used manners constantly, and knocked before entering every room.
He even made sure not to eat my sister’s gluten-free food (she has celiac disease).
I visited for a doctor’s appointment and to catch up with my family. On the third day, I woke up to yelling and found out she was kicking him out because he was ‘distracting’ my sister, who had a messy room and had fallen behind in her grades.
My mom blamed it on him, even though my sister has always had a messy room and bad grades, and she’s going through really difficult therapy right now. It was just one of the moods my mom gets in, which is the main reason I left home in the first place.
Secretly, my partner and I started loading his stuff into the back of my car so I could take him to my dorm for a few days. My mom saw, and she immediately went off on me, telling me she’d cut me off her car insurance and phone plan, and get all 3 of us kicked out of my dorm and homeless.
She kicked me out of her house, telling me I was uninvited from Thanksgiving and Christmas, and she didn’t allow me to go back in for my phone.
We left, but trailed him and managed to take him anyway without my mom knowing. He was a wonderful house guest. My mom ended up mailing me my phone, and when I got it back, I was appalled to find she had gone through my photos, apps, messages, history, and settings, even updating it and tracking my location.
I told her that it wasn’t okay to do that, and removed the settings. She immediately replied ‘I do what I want. You’re uninsured now, and your phone plan ends on the 20th.’
This was a few days ago. I’ve since bought a new phone plan and insurance, but I’m a part-time worker and full-time student.
I can’t afford to do this, and now she’s threatening to get my partner and I kicked out of my dorm because he isn’t supposed to be there, and she needs leverage to make us do what she wants.
I told my grandma, and she’s canceling a $17,000 loan that was going towards a house my mom can’t afford.
She’s already placed a $150,000 down payment, and she’s going to lose it and go bankrupt. (The household, with 4 children to support, makes $120,000 a year, and they’re trying to buy an $850,000 house). I feel that getting cut off for trying to help a homeless kid was a messed up move, and now I can’t afford to eat, let alone buy insurance.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. From the sounds of it, your mom can’t afford the house in the first place, so she was either going to go bankrupt from that or other things like property tax once it arrived.
Try to apply for more grants and emergency help.
If you’re in the US there are even phone plans for poor people. They’re not great, but they’re enough to get by.
It sounds like what your mom was doing to you (making you broke) is what was going to happen to her anyway. I don’t think you’re making her go broke bc she chose to try to buy more house than she could afford.
That’s not on you.
Your mom needs help. Suddenly having wild moods where she suddenly kicks someone in her family out of her life isn’t normal. It sounds like you’re better off being more independent from her anyway. She sounds undependable, irrational, and invasive.” BookLuvr7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Nip it in the bud and write a letter to a bunch of different college offices (like dorms, registrar, RA, etc) and tell them your mother is attempting to control you and that you have gone no contact and you want to make them aware that your mother will do and say anything to try and drive you home or towards homelessness.
Then go to student services and find out about work-study jobs or working as a regular student employee and let them know that your mother has cut you off and you are having trouble affording your cell, your insurance, your food, gas, and personal items and you need help.
Be frank about not wanting to fall prey to that manipulative woman.
You might even write a letter and take it to campus public safety and discuss the situation with security. Tell them that you are expecting your mother to call in a false welfare check or lie about you making s*****e threats.
Paint your mother in the bright neon colors of her manipulative witchy tantrums. Tell them of her impending financial disaster and how she will try to blame you. You need to set up a way to securely tell campus public safety that you are safe or that your mother has come onto campus to harass you.
Please go no contact. Do not try and help her out of her own mistakes. Learn about gray rocking as well as DARVO.
Good luck.” benfranklin-katniss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What goes around, comes around. Your mother kicked you out and has continued to threaten you because she needs leverage to make you do what she wants, and now she has realized that your grandmother has leverage on her to make her do what she wants.
Karma has a strange way of showing up on people’s doorstep when they least expect it.
Your mother said that she does what she wants. Well, guess what – your grandmother does what she wants as well. Congratulations, you’re bankrupt.
Yes, getting cut off for trying to help a homeless kid was a messed up move, and a huge overreaction.” bamf1701
16. AITJ For Not Sharing A Bed With My Mom?
“I moved in with my partner (21M) earlier this month and share a 2-bedroom apartment with him. We each treat a room as our own bedroom but sleep in the same bed every night. My mom is visiting for Thanksgiving and is more traditional than me.
If it was up to her, I’d wait until I was married to move in with my partner. When I invited her over, I assumed I’d just give her my room and sleep with my partner as I usually do. She assumed the opposite – that I’d be sleeping with her in my room and he’d be sleeping in his.
When I lived at home and he visited, I knew he’d have to sleep on the couch because my mom was uncomfortable with seeing us sleep in the same bed (even though I’d basically been living at his when I was at college). Because it was her house though, I understood and followed her rules.
Now that it’s my house, I don’t see any reason for me to have to pretend I don’t share a bed with him. I get her point that it’s only a few days, but she’s my guest and I can’t imagine telling a host how to live their life so it’s more comfortable for them.
She’s also said that she’d rather just go to my grandmother’s than stay if I don’t sleep in the room with her – and that just seems so immature and even hurtful that she’s so uncomfortable that she’d rather not stay by me at all.
She definitely can stay at my grandmother, but she’ll be mad at me if I don’t just******* up for the 4 days.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you respected how she wanted things in her house. Now it’s her turn to respect how you want things in your house.
Let her be mad. She doesn’t get to control your life. If she is uncomfortable with what you do, where you sleep etc. That’s 100% a her-problem. Your mother has some boundary issues. Draw the line now, or she’ll be telling you when to get married and to whom, how to raise your children, etc.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a freaking grown woman who has her own home with her partner. You and your partner get to set the rules for your home and how your home is set up and run. If your mother doesn’t like the rules then she can stay at Grandma’s.
Nobody gets to come into your home and make up rules and make you uncomfortable. If someone doesn’t want to follow the rules they don’t need to come. You were always respectful of her rules while you still lived under her roof. After all, it’s only 4 days and she can******* up just like you have done previously.” Amaryllis83
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re an adult in a healthy relationship. It’s your home and your choice. There is no reason to sugarcoat anything with her. Mom needs to move past this and move on or stay somewhere else. Her idea of sharing a bed with her adult child given the overall living situation is just odd.” DreamyDragonfly77
15. WIBTJ If I Don't Let My Mother-In-Law Come To The Hospital?
“We’ve been together a few years and his mother has always made it clear she wants grandchildren (she doesn’t have any yet, I was pregnant a couple of years ago but ended up losing her in an ectopic that almost killed me)
We’ve been trying, so one day we discussed our plan for ‘the day’ I began talking about how I wanted him there and my mom there – my two main comfort people.
My fiancé looks puzzled and adds ‘yeah, and my mom too right?’
I kinda laughed bc she and I don’t have the best relationship so I certainly wouldn’t want her in the room during one of my most vulnerable and possibly life-threatening moments. I also couldn’t imagine any hospital that would allow a gaggle of people in for a high-risk delivery… My fiancé however is under the impression that if my mom is going to be there HIS mom should ALSO be there…
So AITJ for not wanting his mom there at the hospital? She can see our baby when everyone else does, but in the event that something bad happens I need my mom there – not his.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The birth process is typically long, difficult, and excruciatingly painful, and from what I hear, can be very scary, especially for the first time!
The people who are there should be people who are comforting for you to be around since you’re the one delivering. I understand his wanting his mom there, but he’s not the one pregnant and he won’t be the one delivering the baby, so ultimately who is in the room isn’t up to him.
If he knows your relationship with MIL isn’t good, he should drop it and let you choose who is best for YOU as you go through the birthing process. She can come in after to see the new baby. Congrats btw!” Theabsoluteworst1289
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ask him if he’d mind your mom going and watching him have a back sack and crack followed by several prostate exams and finally a therapy session resulting in him showing his most vulnerable side. When it’s his body exposed and he’s at his most vulnerable he’s welcome to make choices about who’s present.
But he has absolutely NO say in who’s there when you’re at your most exposed and vulnerable.
Edit: and there’s a high-risk aspect to the birth! Your comfort and a calm environment should be the number one priority anyway but even more so with it being high risk!
NO MIL. He needs to understand it’s not about him and his family it’s about you. (And your mom is there to support YOU her daughter and provide comfort/reassurance etc, not to meet her grandchild first) He needs to see it more as YOU giving birth rather than his mom’s grandchild being born.
You can’t put being vulnerable on hold, whereas his mom can wait and celebrate her grandchild’s birth later when you’re not at your absolute most vulnerable.” sugarushpeach
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stop viewing it as the birth of a grandchild. Start viewing it as YOUR delivery.
It’s your hospital stay. YOU are the patient. The baby will have YOUR name until you sign a birth certificate. Everything about YOUR delivery is about YOUR needs. Nobody is entitled to be present in YOUR hospital room. Don’t give up on this topic. You need to be as comfortable and stress-free as possible.
Make sure your partner knows you have no problem asking the nurses to escort anyone out of the room if they are causing you stress. Your priority is to stay calm because a raise in your b***d pressure and too fast of breathing means a drop in baby’s b***d pressure.” RelativeExistence
14. AITJ For Wanting To Spend Christmas With My Ex-Foster Carers?
“Christmas has always been a bad time of year for me (19f). My grandmother is very judgemental if things don’t fit into her “perfect picture” and I feel like I have to perform anytime I’m around family. I have recently moved into my own house with my 2yr old Elliot after living with my foster carers for 3 yrs.
They’ve been there every day since Elliot was born and are honorary grandparents. I speak to them every day and they’re the first I call when I need advice
My family is pressuring me to spend Christmas with them but things always go wrong and I’m always the one that walks away crying.
However, when Christmas came around at my foster placement, there were no issues. Everyone was happy. Everyone was relaxed. Whereas things are always tense with my family. Everything has to be perfect. Everyone has to act perfectly. And more often than not, I fall out with my sister (10f) and my mother always defends her.
Favorite child stuff. I just want a peaceful Christmas, that’s all I want.
So I made the decision that I’ll be going back to my foster carers for Christmas. When I told my mother this, she immediately turned cold as she usually is, and started guilt-tripping me about how the family hasn’t spent a single Christmas with Elliot yet.
My mother has never liked how Elliot is closer to my foster carers than he is to her and I understand that but I don’t want to take that relationship between Elliot and my foster carers away.
I’m trying to rebuild my relationships with my family as I live closer to them now.
I talked to my aunt about this and she told me not to stress about it, spend Christmas with whoever makes you happy. She understands how exhausting and mentally draining family events are. I’m wondering if I’m somehow in the wrong for choosing to spend Christmas with “people who got paid to look after me” (grandmother’s words) instead of my actual family.
My grandmother always makes passively aggressive comments with the “I’m better than you” judgmental type of tone that she can easily make excuses for and claim I’m looking too deep into it when I call her out. So AITJ?
[A little backstory and more context] I was placed in foster care at 12 after my abusive dad died. I was grieving for losing a dad but also relieved I was safe.
My mother never stepped in to protect me. Grandmother turned a blind eye. I started acting out in my grief, running away, skipping school, and having arguments with my mum. She wouldn’t send me to therapy and she couldn’t handle my outbursts so she put me in foster care.
I got pregnant at 16 so I was moved to my AMAZING foster carers who could better facilitate a mother and child so I and Elliot could stay together. They have continued to support me even after having new placements and I’ve been gone for 6 months.
They’ve bought half the furniture for my house for me with no expectation of being paid back and they’ve always taken Elliot for the odd weekend whenever I’ve gotten a bit overwhelmed or needed a break.”
Another User Comments:
“NTA…and I am sure someone else will say it, but it bears repeating.
Family is more than b***d.
You have found a real family in your foster parents. Your bio family has mistreated you, enabled and kept silent about said misttreatment, and continued to shame you for not being what they want. I cannot imagine the conflict you are under, so this may not apply in real life.
But this is where you get to make your choice, for you and your son. Do you want him to grow up with a loving pair of grandparents that chose you and embraced you as you are? Or are you going to continue pursuing a family that has shown that they only care about the fake veneer they use to hide their problems?
They can be in your life on your terms, but if you want to keep yourself and your child in a healthy place, it needs to be only on your terms and boundaries.” Pheonyx11
Another User Comments:
“NTA. B***d may be thicker than water, but can drown you all the same.
You don’t need to make any excuses for refusing to engage with toxic people, even if they’re family. Real family are those that have your back, while it’s great if those people also have biological ties, it’s not mandatory. Your mother and grandmother refused to protect you as a child, they have no right to ask you to protect their feelings.
You have a chance to break the cycle by not engaging with these people. Free yourself of them and your unnecessary guilt. You deserve better for yourself and your child. Some people you can only love from a distance. People always say you only get one family, but more importantly, you only get one you.
Protect yourself and your peace. Life is too short to be worrying about what the wrong people think of you. You’ve rebuilt your life without their help. You do not need them and that is okay. That is freedom. Do not expose your child to these people.
They will choose to maintain the facade over protecting and doing right by your son.” SpecsOnFrex
Another User Comments:
“You are not obligated to accept toxic people and relationships just because you share DNA with the other person. You have found people who have shown you the real meaning of family and unconditional love.
The holidays are the time to be safe and happy and thankful for those kinds of people in your life. Don’t put yourself through this simply because a few people who sound like they stood by as you were physically mistreated and who continue to mentally and emotionally mistreat you order you to!
Do what makes you happy and don’t ever let those people look down on you. Their behavior is sickening. It sounds like your mother and grandmother stood by while this was going on and yet you have become a balanced adult and a good parent.
Neither of them can come close to the person you are and don’t ever let them tell you otherwise! Definitely NTA.” Existing-Drummer-326
13. AITJ For Telling My Mom That My House Isn't Hers?
“About a month ago, my (26 F) mom (45) moved in with my fiance (26 M) and me because her place was condemned by the city for code violations and ultimately all of the tenants had to move out of the complex as it was being shut down by the city.
According to the city, they had given the landlord multiple notices to fix the violations, but he just wouldn’t comply. I initially didn’t want my mom to move in with us because she’s an absolute narcissist, I’ve seen it throughout my entire childhood, and because I’ve been with my fiance since we were 16, he’s seen it as well.
So we were both unsure. Ultimately my fiance said that he would feel bad if my mom had ended up homeless, so we talked and agreed to let her stay for 90 days in our guest room so that she could find her a place (she currently doesn’t pay rent because we want her to save her money for a place)
However, my biggest worry about my mom living with us has come true. It took practically no time for her to act as if our home is hers. We’ve gotten into multiple arguments because of her trying to control things such as the way my fiance responds to her, when the dishes are done, or how grocery shopping gets handled. However today blew things over the top for me, my fiance has custody of his siblings (13 F and 10 M) and currently, they are out for Thanksgiving break, my fiance is at work so I decided to get some shopping done with the kids.
After breakfast, the kids and I got ready and headed out. While out, my mom called me about 5 times ranting and raving about the fact that my fiance’s brother left his house slippers by the couch and how it was disgusting, and that we need to teach him manners.
I was so fed up so I went home and told her ‘This isn’t your house, stop acting like it is. This is his finances’ brother’s house, as long as his brother or I don’t have an issue where his shoes are, he can leave his shoes wherever he’d like because it’s our house.’ This led us into an argument and my mom calling her niece and making it seem as if I just ‘blew up’ on her for no reason, which led to my cousin calling me and saying that I’m making my mom feel unwanted. I’m not trying to be a jerk to her, but she can’t just try to control an entire house of people.
Edit: My fiance doesn’t respond to my mom in a rude way, he has a really monotone voice and somehow my mom misinterprets it as attitude.
Edit #2: I called said cousin and told her since she thinks I was being disrespectful to my mom, then maybe my mom would get some more respect at their house and that she’d better take her before my mom ended up on the street because I couldn’t deal anymore, so in about an hour, my fiance and I are dropping her off at my cousin’s, and what happens from there on out will not be any of my concern.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your fiancé is too nice and you should have probably stuck with a hard no on letting her stay with you. She isn’t paying rent, she is being disrespectful and she is causing drama? If she has made any sort of financial contribution to groceries or bills at all you will likely need an eviction notice to get her out.
If the cousin calls again let her know that you will be sending your mother her way where she is ‘more wanted’ since your cousin wants to have an opinion on something that doesn’t currently concern her at all.” Live-To-read
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Get ready to kick her out and let your cousin know that since they wanted to put their nose where it doesn’t belong that mom is their responsibility now. They don’t like it? They should have minded their own business.
Oh, and, don’t feel bad about admitting that your mother is unwanted. You can love someone and still not want them in your house.
Don’t let jerks get away with pushing boundaries or else they continue to do so. She needs clear, decisive consequences for her actions. It’s your house, your rules and if she doesn’t want to abide by that she can live elsewhere.” TheSirensMaiden
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s feeling unwanted because she IS unwanted. I say let her move somewhere else before she has any legal rights. She’s going out of her way to be a hostile presence in your home, and you deserve to feel happy in your own home.
Also, have a talk with your fiancé about your relationship with your mother. She wasn’t a good person that little you needed (judging her current behavior and you called her a narcissist, I’m assuming she was at least emotionally abusive.) His guilt doesn’t come before your emotional well-being.
Even if he did have the best intentions.” Wizardinred
12. AITJ For Telling My Dad's Friends There Will Be No Free Pickles This Year?
“My mom is the absolute pickle goddess.
She makes the absolute best pickles you could possibly taste. She is very particular about what she buys, sorts them by hand, washed them individually, etc. There’s a lot of work going into them, takes her basically the entire month of October. My dad likes to be praised and lives vicariously through my mom’s pickle goddess success, so he gives away a lot of her work, much to mom’s annoyance.
The friends in question are very well off but think they are entitled to free stuff. Mom’s pickles are especially an object in demand throughout the autumn, winter and spring to the point where almost half of what she makes ends up with them.
Mom is in her 70s.
She had spinal surgery in August, she is under strict interdiction from standing or sitting in a chair for too long. Also cannot really bend over and most definitely cannot carry heavy stuff. Too much effort could compromise her spinal cord and even leave her paralyzed. She normally buys and carries all the goods for the pickles herself with little help from my dad(her choice, dad is happy to help).
Due to this, this year she only made a very small batch to use for her own household needs.
I and dad were visiting said friends. During the visit, the lady gave dad a list of stuff she wants for the winter holidays. She was aware my mom had surgery.
Dad said he will ask mom to make it. I took the list, hand it back to her, and said ‘sorry, there will be no pickles. Mom is not well, she will not spend hours dragging stuff from the market and up the stairs, then work hours to prepare them’.
I suggested she go to the market and buy them, I am sure she can afford them. They even give out samples to taste before buying. Once again she insisted, and I said no.
The husband said he is sure if he called my mom she will say yes.
I said for sure she will not say yes. Dad was trying to intervene and I just cut him off saying ‘we are leaving now.’ and just went out the door.
While in the car to go home dad blew a gasket. This is when I literally lost it and started screaming like a banshee.
I asked him why I had to be the one telling them no why is his ego so important that he would put his wife’s health at risk over not even being thanked properly. He called me a jerk and said he will not speak with me until I apologized to his friends.
Mom said I could have been more polite with dad’s friends and she could have handled it herself. This is where I may be the jerk because my secret fear is that if something bad happens I will become the de-facto carer for her, which will be very difficult as I have 2 small kids (4 months old and 2 years old).
The thing is this: I also had major surgery which may have altered my brain chemistry because my social filters are pretty much gone. In case my social situation awareness is also gone along with my social filters, I am asking other people to weigh in.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad is way out of line and it’s about time someone called him out on his nonsense. His attitude is disgusting. Your mother has tolerated his disrespectful, exploitative behavior for years – why would you believe she’d advocate for herself now?
He was wrong to give away your mother’s products and accept the praise for her hard work. He was terribly wrong to entertain the notion that she would continue to churn out pickles for his friends after such a serious medical issue.
You were right to intercede and shut down your father’s friend’s rude and entitled demands.
I assure you, your conduct was vastly more ‘polite’ than mine would have been. And now he wants an apology? Oh god no. Frankly, the only communication he’d receive from me would be text images of some choice four-letter words spelled out in pickles.
Take your father’s silence as an unintentional gift from a thoughtless, selfish man. Continue to protect your mother and look out for her best interests.” TheRebelArsenal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – good for you for setting limits where they need to be set. Sometimes people need help saying no, especially when health changes have occurred and we’re no longer the superheroes doing the magic that we used to be capable of.
If your parents happen to work together to make the pickles happen, that’s great, but after the year and setbacks that your mom has experienced no one should be expecting free goodies from her right now, they should be helping her heal (she wasn’t even able to be at this visit and they’re sending home requests?.
They suck and your dad doesn’t want things to change, he wants to be that guy who delivers the awesome pickles when he should be happy and proud to be that guy taking care of the awesome pickle goddess at home.” Emergency-Lemon7964
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your dad is a jerk who has been prioritizing seeming cool to these friends over your mother for years, and it sounds like your mom is unfortunately part of this dynamic where she allows herself to be used. But you need to make it clear to your mother right now, that sure she could have handled it, but given that this situation directly affects you, you were not unreasonable to have an emotional reaction.
Boundaries need to be laid down firmly, especially because she has allowed herself to be used for years, and if she allows herself to be used now and given to your father’s manipulations, you would be placed in a position to care for her, and you are not in a place where that works.
Your mother needs to preserve her health and not make pickles. There is no option here where she makes the pickles and you are her primary caregiver if she injures herself.” JCBashBash
11. AITJ For Not Giving My Sister My Share Of Inheritance?
“My (35f) last remaining grandmother passed away last month (that side of the family is Jewish and it’s customary to give inheritance to the grandkids in Jewish families).
My sister (27f) is a single mom of three (one with special needs) all have different dads, and none are in the picture (one is in jail, another was a one-night stand in Vegas and doesn’t even remember his first name, and the other is just an unemployed deadbeat).
She’s drowning in debt (mostly medical bills for her special needs child) and got fired from multiple jobs due to having to always call out due to her special needs child having some medical emergency, she’s months behind on rent but the landlord hasn’t evicted her bc he feels sorry for her.
My husband (42m) and I are child-free by choice, while we aren’t Vanderbilt’s by any stretch we do have a comfortable lifestyle. We were going to use my portion of the inheritance for a down payment on a house (we live in an apartment albeit a nice one) and to treat ourselves to a nice vacation in Europe (I’ve never been there but my husband has and I’ve always wanted to go).
My sister’s portion of the inheritance will cover some of her debt (she wants to pay off creditors first bc they’re threatening to take her to court while the landlord is showing more leniency), but my family is saying I should give her my share of the inheritance because that would cover almost all her debt (she wasn’t spending frivolously it was mostly the mounting medical bills for my special needs nephew), and it’s ‘more important’ than a house because we’re ‘fine in our apartment’ and this is ‘more urgent.’
I’m no prude but the bottom line is my sister was reckless with multiple men and getting pregnant by three separate ones who for various reasons can’t/don’t help, and that’s not my fault. I don’t feel my husband and I should have to sacrifice our dream of being homeowners (which is incredibly hard to do these days) and having to sacrifice this vacation I’ve always wanted to go on.
I was responsible and think I made good choices and I don’t think I should have to suffer consequences for her poor decisions.
AITJ?
EDIT: When I told my family I’m not responsible for her reckless life choices, they agree that she didn’t make good decisions but ‘the children are innocent’.
I agree but that’s still not my fault nor my problem.
EDIT: I also reminded them she could get pregnant again any time because she is still young and she ‘doesn’t believe in termination of pregnancy.’ Even if I did give it will never be enough.
EDIT: I could care less what consenting adults do behind closed doors. I worked as an exotic dancer to put myself through grad school. My issue is her carelessness with birth control (she’s admitted to using the ‘pull out’ method because her partners didn’t like a certain type of birth control and she was afraid he’d break up with her, this was with the one in jail and the deadbeat, not sure of the circumstances with the Vegas one night stand), and she doesn’t like hormonal birth control due to them making her gain weight (she gained a lot more with pregnancy but okay).
I’ve brought up voluntary sterilization (which I got done) which planned parenthood will do for free but she won’t because she’s ‘afraid she’ll regret it later,’ and she ‘loves babies’, and as I said earlier she doesn’t believe in termination of pregnancy.
I don’t care under what circumstances consenting adults hook up, but it’s not okay to come to me with your hand out when you can’t afford the consequences of your choices.
And I’ve helped her out before but it never seems to stop. At what point does it end? When do I get to fulfill my dreams? Or do I forever have to flush my dreams down the toilet to keep bailing my sister out of trouble?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if you gave her all of it, it would only delay the inevitable. All of those family members preaching to you about helping her out could either give her money themselves or they could offer to help watch her kids so that she could get and keep a job or get trained for better jobs.
She should qualify for aid programs, so maybe offer to help her apply to them.
Tell those busybodies that, unless they are willing to put action to words themselves and help her out, they need to shut up about you doing it.” ProfPlumDidIt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If your grandmother wanted your sister to have more of the inheritance then she would have written her will saying so. It’s your money now to do with as you, please.
As long as the sister isn’t taking part in trying to have you give her the money she’s NTJ either.
Your sister made her own choices and got herself where she is now – for better or for worse. I don’t know where you live but there has to be some kind of government assistance for her, especially with a special needs child. Or a charity to help with the medical debt.
The rest of the family pressuring you are the jerks. It’s always easy to give away someone else’s money. Are they ever chipping anything in to help out? Doubt it.” Baby_Blue-Skies
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You absolutely do not owe it to your sister to give her your half, but, please, please tell her to negotiate payment of her debts and not just put what she has on them.
Especially if the debt has changed hands and a different creditor owns it now.
Creditors like that want to make a fast buck and may be willing to discharge all of the debt in return for a partial lump sum payment (after all, they didn’t pay the full amount to purchase the debt).
She needs to be very careful to not tell them how much money she is getting or they will, of course, want all of it. She could imply (not lie) that the money is coming from someone else, which is why she can’t pay it all.
Start low-ish, try to get them to list a number they’d be happy with first, and negotiate for a lower number than that. ‘A relative might be able to help me pay this. If I can come up with a lump sum payment, how much would you need to discharge this debt.’ ‘I don’t think I can get that much, how about x.’ ‘Oh, no, I could never ask for that much from my relative.
How about x.’ Note how all of the example phrases are not a lie about what her real financial state is, but give her a third disapproving partner who can be tougher than her. That’s the goal.
Long shot here, but if she has any debt that she hasn’t made a payment on in 7 years, it’s possible it could no longer be a valid debt.
She’s will need to look into local laws for that. What matters is how long it has been since she last made a payment, not who owns the debt.
She also needs to start looking into charities that help special needs kids. I know once a kid gets on Shriners they will help that child until they are an adult.
She may even be able to find a program that will have lawyers and accountants who can negotiate the repayments for her.
Enjoy your new home, OP. Best of luck to you and your sister. Screw the current system that put her in so much debt just because her child has special needs.” Office_Desk906
10. AITJ For Inviting My Son And Daughter-In-Law For Christmas?
“I moved out of my home state a few years ago with my husband. We have 3 kids still in our home state. Every Christmas the youngest two come down but my oldest hasn’t come for a Christmas yet.
I keep inviting them but he told me his wife’s family has a huge party every Christmas that she does not want to miss.
He says she looks forward to it every year and her entire family goes to it and it is not a tradition she is willing to break. So he says coming here for Christmas isn’t an option.
I feel like this isn’t ok then can at least come every other Christmas.
Now she’s pregnant and I know she won’t want to travel this Christmas but once my grandchild is here I would like to see them for Christmas but my son told me they want their child to also take part in the big Christmas party.
I snapped at my son and told him it was unacceptable he has to make time for our side of the family too and I expect to see my grandchild for Christmas. He told me sorry but this is something that is very important to her and he doesn’t want to ask her to give it up.
I told him it’s fine for him and DIL to grow up they are married now and they need to compromise. My son has been avoiding my calls and won’t be coming here for thanksgiving.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The hypocrisy! The irony!
It burns! You told your son he needs to grow up and do what his mommy says. Either you’re trolling, or you suffer from a complete lack of self-awareness.
Guess what? He has grown up, and he’s married, and he and his family are choosing how they want to spend their Christmas holidays.
You do not get to dictate their choices.
You can travel to them. You can invite them to celebrate either before or after the actual holiday. There are many options you could choose from. But attempting to dictate to your grown, married son is not going to end well for you.” BogBabe
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
‘I snapped at my son and told him it was unacceptable he has to make time for our side of the family too and I expect to see my grandchild for Christmas.’
Your son is an adult. You can’t give him orders anymore.
Expect all you like, but he’s an independent person who makes his own decisions.
It’s time for you to do the compromise. Why not go to visit your son and his wife where they live? You can have Christmas Eve, your daughter-in-law can have Christmas, and everybody gets time with the baby.
Trust me, nobody wants to travel with a year-old baby either.” ThingsWithString
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Saying you ‘expect’ to see your grandchild at Christmas? Get in the bin with all that entitlement. At the very least, you seem to be setting a terrible example with your demanding behavior – you threw a tantrum when you didn’t get your way and now you’re sulking.
I wouldn’t want my child to be seeing that sort of behavior on a regular basis.
You said that now they’re not coming to Thanksgiving. So they were making time for you. They were traveling to see you and compromising by prioritizing you over her family.
They had sorted out a reasonable balance. You threw a hissy fit and stomped all over their boundaries. Now you’re in time out. Behave like a toddler, get treated like one.” Sea_Midnight1411
9. AITJ For Telling My Partner That Thanksgiving Is Not Important To Me?
“I’m English, living in the US whilst I finish my university course – as soon as I’ve finished I plan on going home, my partner has always said he’ll come with me especially because we’re expecting a baby (I want the baby to grow up where I grew up, more countryside, etc) so in about another two years.
I’m 7 and a half months pregnant, about as emotional as ever.
His family is huge on thanksgiving, we’ve only been together for one and it was nightmarish, first I couldn’t really eat much since everything had meat in it (although, that’s weirdly common here) and they poked fun of my accent the entire time.
I’ve spoken to him and them, and said I don’t appreciate the jabs but got ignored, it’s gotten even worse during pregnancy, I offered to bring food so I can eat and got told not to be difficult, I asked him to ask if they’d cook something but once again got called difficult and fussy.
The teasing has actually gotten worse during pregnancy, I’ve said to them I’d be fine staying here and living here, in permanent housing but my partner (the one I’m apparently moving against his will according to comments) is insistent we move back to my home
I don’t want to go this year, but as we’re planning on moving back to my home in two years my partner says I should make sacrifices like he is.
I’m just refusing, it’s not important to me as it is to him and obviously he’s upset, claims I’ve not tried to settle here, etc, and that his family has been welcoming and that it’s important to him.
Maybe I haven’t tried to settle, I love the heat because we don’t get that at home half the time but I miss the community that my area offered.
I did say we do roasts every Sunday which is basically the same thing… but better (which was a joke) and that I don’t feel (while pregnant) like spending the day being poked fun of and not even being able to eat.
AITJ?
Insulin is also crazy expensive out here! I didn’t mean any insult by saying meat is weirdly common here, I didn’t say that to anyone + I just mean it’s more common than back home.
I said when we go home I’d pay for him to come back for thanksgiving – I even said I’d pay for our daughter/son to come with him to visit family.
Another thing, he offered to come to my home. When I found out I was pregnant I’d offered to stay, I didn’t even bring up or mention moving and told him we’d look into permanent housing instead of our current set up and he said we’d go back to my home
I’ll tell him I will come if they can suck up me bring a veggie dish, next time they want to jab at me I will be making a comment back as apparently, it’s something to suck up! I will be speaking to him again before though and saying what’ll happen unless he speaks up for me.”
Another User Comments:
“Clearly NTJ.
Healthy relationships are built by compromise but they’ve got to meet you halfway too.
If they can’t make sure there are non-meat options at this celebration then they’re sending the message that your happiness is secondary to theirs.
These days there are like half a dozen straight-up vegan roasts on the market. And most major grocery stores will have at least one of them. There’s tofurky, field roast, gardien, and Quorn… just to make a few. If they can’t spend the $15 and pop one of those in the oven for you, to help make your day more enjoyable, then they’re all jerks.
And I don’t even care if you’re actually vegan or not, you’ve made it clear that you don’t want a meat-heavy meal and the hosts should be willing to accommodate.
Don’t attend if they can’t compromise even a little bit.
It’s not a celebration unless everyone can have fun.
Again, clearly NTJ. And that doesn’t even touch on them treating you like trash while you’re pregnant.” digiorno
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His family makes fun of you, and it’s gotten worse since you’re pregnant.
No one should have to put up with that! And you’ve been vegetarian your whole life, they had nothing you can eat, and don’t want you to bring something you can eat. No one wants to go to a holiday family dinner where there’s nothing to eat and their made fun of the whole time.
And your partner doesn’t support you. He doesn’t tell them to shut up and he doesn’t want you to bring your own food. In fact, he says they’re welcoming, when in fact they aren’t.” leggyblond1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I feel like this is less about the holiday, and more about the fact that your partner won’t stand up for you when his family is clearly making you uncomfortable.
I think it’s difficult to integrate yourself into a space where you feel misunderstood and like you’re not allowed to say anything.
I would talk to him about how his actions are really hurting your feelings, and his dismissal of what you’re saying is hurtful to you.
Let him know that you would be happy to have a relationship with his family, you just don’t feel that receiving constant criticism and swipes from them to accomplish that is necessary.
You all have not built a close enough relationship for the borderline teasing to be understood that way.
That relationship simply has not been established and him, continuing to allow this teasing that he sees as fine because he is actually close to them, is not fair to you.
I’m really sorry. And I would definitely make these conversations a priority before your child arrives.” gurlwithdragontat2
8. AITJ For Telling My Mom She's Being Unfair?
“I (32f) have an older brother, Luke, (33m). Luke still lives at home with our mum (62f) while I’ve moved out and live with my partner and our infant son. Since moving out I’ve noticed that my mum hasn’t treated us as equally as she claims. Luke doesn’t pay rent and has done for years even while I lived there, he was unemployed for a while, and he now works part-time.
When I was unemployed at home, she took £10 from every £50 I got in unemployment. When I got a tax rebate, she took that. She made me live on campus when I went to uni, Luke went to the same uni and he got to live at home rent-free because ‘uni is more expensive now’.
When I came home during breaks I had to pay rent at home as well. He has since dropped out for the second time – this time literally weeks before the course ended.
This is in the past, I know that. The issue I’m having is with Christmas.
Mum and I went Christmas shopping with my son. When she was crossing stuff off her list, I noticed she had a budget for both Luke and me. Which is normal as she has always said she spends the same on us. However Luke’s was much higher.
I asked if she had made a mistake. Mum said this was because she was buying for my son as well – her first and only grandchild – and was spending the same on Luke that she spent on me and my son so Luke doesn’t feel like he’s missing out.
She said it was not fair if she spends more on me. I pointed out that she wasn’t. She was spending more on Luke but she disagrees and told me to stop arguing.
Mum has complained to look and my grandparents who have called me and stated I’m being unreasonable.
My grandparents have stated that Luke needs more support than I do because I’m more independent than he is. Am I being the jerk pointing out we aren’t being treated fairly?
Edit: I’m not bothered about the money. It’s her’s to do with as she wishes.
It’s the fact that she claims to be treating us equally when she’s very much not doing that. There’s nothing wrong with Luke. He just chooses not to move out when she’s there to cook and clean for him so he can spend more time playing computer games.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She did treat you differently and you’re not lying when you tell her that.
Your mother did favor your brother at some point in the past since you had rent and he didn’t in the same conditions. He still doesn’t have the same.
It’s less obvious in this specific occurrence. She considers you and your son as a package deal somehow and we can’t know for sure that if your brother had kids at some point, she wouldn’t do the same. Personally, I think she would not, but we could give her the benefit of the doubt.
But, this is very minor compared to the rest. It feels like the other unequal treatments have damaged your relationship with your brother and your mother and anything can trigger you back. Extra funds on the kid that’s not doing so well financially on Christmas is not that shocking.
It’s because of the rest that it looks bad.” Responsible_Brain852
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your mom for favoring, coddling, nurturing, and creating a drain on society and her in your brother. Your brother for his complete lack of motivation to be a grown man.
And you for being so hung up on this. Just be glad you’re a self-sufficient adult with your own family, rather than being a loser who plays video games and needs his mommy to wipe his mouth.
Sooner or later this will come back to bite your mom.
I really doubt your brother will step up and care for her in her old age.” Dittoheadforever
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like the sibling claims to be independent but scrutinizes every penny mom spends. So she can’t be thankful that Mom gets gifts for her and her child, she’s jealous that Mom gets stuff for her brother and oh my God she spent more.
You’re not little children anymore you’re in your thirties. You both need to grow up, he needs to get out of the house and become independent, and you need to stop nitpicking about everything your mom spends on both of you it will just drive you crazy.
Sounds like you can’t be happy with what you get to you, you have to be upset about what she gets her son
NTJ for your feelings, YTJ for complaining to your mom about it. Be thankful for what you have not what others get.” Expensive-Excuse-625
Another User Comments:
“‘No jerks here’ or maybe a light ‘everyone sucks here’. There’s no doubt that your mum treats you and your brother differently and always has. You’ve pointed it out and heard her point of view so it’s time to move on, a little wiser and a lot more cynical. Your mother is enabling and encouraging your brother to be the proverbial ’failure to launch’ which is a shame.
She sees you as another adult while your brother is her little boy to be cosseted and tucked into bed… and who will live with her to keep her company forever. Believe me, you’re in a better place than your brother.” lonnielee3
7. WIBTJ If I Want To Protect My Family's Feelings?
“I’m 27f and my fiancé Bill is 32. He is the youngest in his large family while I’m the oldest in mine.
His family is much better off than mine. His siblings are highly educated, own multiple properties, and have investments. I’m the only college graduate in my family. My two younger siblings work retail jobs and the youngest still lives with our parents in their apartment.
The older of the two lives with roommates. My family lives in a different state while we live near his family.
The favorite topics of discussion for Bill’s family are finances, investments, the current state of the property portfolio, and politics and it affects the markets.
They’re not bragging about it or trying to rub it in anyone’s face. They discuss these topics to educate or help each other out. Once one of his siblings was going to buy another rental house and another sibling cautioned that the interest was going to go up so they should wait for the asking price of the house to drop.
Another time his siblings debated for hours whether or not to buy bonds being offered by our city. At one lake outing, two of his siblings were discussing their rental properties and by the end of the night, they traded 3 rental houses for a gas station and some funds.
Who does that?!?
We normally rotate holidays between our families but this year I invited my family to spend thanksgiving with us because Bill and I bought a house a few months ago. They are driving and will be staying with us. Our parents have met before and when they found out my family would be in town, they insisted on hosting my family for dinners and lunches.
Bill’s family is wonderful but I’m having an anxiety attack over this.
I know my family will feel like failures and get their feelings hurt if Bill’s siblings start to talk about their stock portfolio or the latest strip mall they’re building.
My parents know how much better off Bill’s family are and they’re already self-conscious. If Bill’s family starts to trade properties again, it’ll destroy my parents because they’ve never owned their own house. I want to ask Bill to ask his family not to discuss any of those things when they’re with my family but I’m afraid that’ll damage our relationship.
I’m so torn and afraid I’ll be the jerk to his family.”
Another User Comments:
“I say, YTJ. Your intentions are good; you are thinking of your family’s feelings and insecurities. You want to protect their feelings. But I don’t know how well-received your request would be because these topics are of interest and importance to your in-laws and it’s like asking them to not be themselves even though they’re not necessarily hurtful.
It shouldn’t be up to you to protect everyone anyway. Your parents are adults and are responsible for their feelings and reactions. If they have a problem with your in-laws’ successes, then that is something that they need to personally work through inside themselves. Your in-laws should be able to be comfortable to be themselves, as part of the family too.” Light_Seeker90
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ – Caring for your family is important. Maybe they’ll learn something from hearing how different kinds of people live, approach investments, and pay attention to current events and the ensuing effects on their financial decisions.
Maybe your fiancé’s family will benefit, and have enough tact, from having relationships with people outside the family.
Maybe they are dying to discuss anything else with different people.
People come from all walks of life. That’s ok. The biggest issue in my mind is that you think this can ‘destroy’ your parents. It would be great if they could learn that as they are, they are valuable and worthy people who don’t need to compare themselves to others.
Clearly, they did a good job raising you, safe to assume your siblings also, and should be proud of their accomplishments.” TryingToBeLevel
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you asked this of your inlaws. Their station in life cannot possibly be a secret to your family, and since you are very specific about telling us that your inlaws don’t discuss these subjects to brag, maybe you could also trust them to be decent enough people to draw your family into whatever discussion they are having on their terms. They don’t brag about their achievements, this tells me that they on their own accord would go far not to make your family feel uncomfortable.” SnooSprouts6712
6. AITJ For Offering Therapy For My Brother-In-Law?
“I (m21) have been with my partner, Elisa (f20), for two years. I had a healthy relationship with my in-laws and my BIL, Eric (m14). They used to invite me for dinner every other week. I, Elisa, and Eric even played video games when I visited.
Unfortunately, my MIL passed away three months ago in a car accident. Her death took a toll on Elisa’s family. As far as I know, my father-in-law is devastated. I am doing my best to console Elisa. But she has swallowed her pain and has worn a fake smile for her family’s sake.
She has gone out of her way to comfort Eric and keep him happy. She’s so kind. I can’t express how much I love her.
Disclaimer: I’m not throwing crap at Eric. He’s just a boy who lost his mother. I sincerely feel sorry for him.
Also, I talked with Elisa, and we agreed that I should stay away from her house until things get better (her father didn’t invite me anymore, and he’s entitled to his space). Thus, all I know is what she told me.
Eric has exhibited some level of developmental regression.
He doesn’t bathe or brush his teeth if someone doesn’t tell him to. Eric has asked for help with his homework more frequently than before, and only Elisa is good enough to help him. Last but not least, he insists on sleeping with Elisa (I mean in her bed) every night.
I thought it was normal for Eric to try to replace his mother with Elisa for a while. However, yesterday, Elisa told me he’s getting more dependent each day. I know a therapist who works with teenagers, so I volunteered to pay for Eric’s consults and drive him there.
I offered to pay because I don’t know if they are struggling financially after all the funeral bills and the loss of my MIL’s income. Also, I would drive him to give Elisa some time to rest.
Elisa lost her mind after hearing my proposal. She yelled she didn’t want advice, only comfort.
And they can afford the therapy if Eric needs it (and Uber for transport). I’m wondering if I overstepped. After all, who am I to say what’s healthy for my BIL or how he should grieve? Elisa seemed ‘happy’ when I wasn’t giving her advice.
I probably insulted them by assuming they couldn’t afford therapy. And it now occurred to me that maybe Elisa believes I’m jealous of her brother due to her spending more time with him lately.
Later, my FIL sent me a message wishing me a great day (you know what I mean by a great day) and saying Elisa will dump me.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Usually, I’d say she is a jerk to react like that, but obviously, she is also dealing with grief and probably has no way to deal with it since she tries to be the mental support of her family and probably adopting a bit the role of her late mother to try to help her family.
She probably is burned out and very depressed inside and honestly, it’s not healthy either. I do not blame her, I just hope she will get help for herself before having a total mental breakdown.
In my opinion, Eric should see a therapist, and so should she, and her dad.
Grieving is extremely hard and even if it looks like they do fine, it probably is not the case, and even if they are not devastated, having a little help and guidance is always great.” Comprehensive_Fly350
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, it sounds like Elisa is the one who needs therapy/grief counseling here.
I don’t think this is about the money, or even you trying to help. It’s that she feels overwhelmed and powerless, but maybe also like she should be able to fix this and having it pointed out to her that she doesn’t need to struggle through it alone is making her super-defensive.
Hopefully, she’ll see that and stop taking those feelings out on you.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, it seems like you are worried about her and her brother and want to help. But she was looking for comfort and you were trying to solve the situation for her.
You should apologize.
She may have overreacted since she’s been holding her own stuff in to be there for her dad and brother. But all of them are going to be raw for a while yet. I hope ya’ll are able to have a talk about why you suggested therapy and why you offered to pay and drive.
But not as though you’re in the right, because you’re not, but just an explanation that your heart was in the right place with your offer. And that you don’t know what they’re going through but you just want to help in any way they need. And then let her come to you about anything moving forward.
As a person who likes solutions, I have found it helpful to ask the person I’m speaking with if they are looking to share feelings/get comfort/vent OR if they are looking for advice/solutions BEFORE I offer solutions, or sometimes at the beginning of a conversation if I’m super unsure what the person is looking for.” Wonderful_Ad_6089
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, tell your partner that therapy is a good thing to have no matter the circumstances. I’m sorry for your loss and I do get how everyone feels in this situation. Have a sit down with your partner and her brother and see if therapy is the right thing to do.
Most importantly, get a grief counselor for your partner. She’s hurting too because her mother passed away. No one should have to bottle up their emotions and hide them away behind a fake smile. Nothing against anyone in this situation. But therapy can help you process and accept what happened.” Spartan_Legocop
5. AITJ For Not Letting My Dad Talk About His Birthday Wishes?
“I (24F) love my dad, but he’s a real downer. His favorite topics to talk about are the issues with capitalism, the climate crisis, and corrupt politician. He just loves to complain about the world in general. I’ve talked to him about it before and asked if he could stop, but that’s just how he is I guess.
Recently, it was his birthday. My mom had organized a party and a lot of the extended family was there. It was the first time in a long time that we all got together so we were all excited about it.
Well, we’re sitting down to eat a delicious meal my mom cooked, and my dad speaks up and says something along the lines of ‘have you heard about that corrupt politician who did x?’
Before anyone can say anything, I speak up and say ‘speaking of that…’ and tell a loosely connected, funny anecdote from work. Everyone laughs and continues talking about random things.
During the entire dinner, whenever my dad starts speaking up about something depressing, I interrupt or steer the conversation away.
After dinner, when everyone’s gone home, my dad tells me he knows what I was doing and that I’m a jerk. I say no one wants to hear that depressing stuff during a celebration, but he maintains that it’s normal dinner conversation.
My mom understands why I did what I did, but thinks it was a jerk move to do it during his birthday dinner when we were supposed to celebrate him.
I don’t think it being your birthday justifies making everyone else uncomfortable, but I can see her point. So, AITJ?
ETA: other relatives have complained about him being a downer and ruining parties before, particularly my cousins and his sister. So I know I’m not the only one who is bothered by it.
ETA 2: it’s not the topics themselves that are the problem. I can enjoy discussing politics, the climate, or finance too. It’s that my dad will just rant about how all politicians are corrupt and how the world is getting worse in every single way. If you say anything positive within any of those topics, he’ll be like ‘that’s nice’ and then list ten ways in which the world is bad.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It was his birthday, and you spent the entire time controlling the conversation so he couldn’t get a word in edgewise because you decided ‘no one wants to hear’ what he has to say. If his preferred topics of conversation drive you that crazy, just find an excuse to leave early and confront him about it some other night if you must. When it’s his party, you can******* up and let him talk politics if that’s what he wants.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“This one’s a tough call. It was his birthday, and you kept cutting him off. But just because people are guests in one’s home, even if there to celebrate with you, does not make it okay to be depressing, boring, or make them uncomfortable.
I would have waited til the second or third time to start cleverly redirecting the conversation, out of respect for your dad and to gauge whether any of the guests might have been interested in the topics he brought up.
But what earns you an NTJ is that after your diversion, none of the guests redirected the conversation to what your dad brought up.
They either weren’t invested in his topics or outright wished to avoid them. NTJ.” Curious-One4595
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
While I understand that hearing about capitalism, the climate crisis, and corrupt politicians are annoying to you, and maybe some others, a lot of it is reality, it’s not like he is spreading hate or something bad like that.
Your dad could have picked a better time to discuss this, but it was his birthday so I think it was fair to talk about something that interests him. You cutting him off every single time was disrespectful and most likely ruined the party for him.
If it bothers you or your relatives so much, next time don’t join the party and don’t ruin the fun of the person celebrating.
If your dad wants to talk about depressing things let him, it’s not your party, like you can talk about what you want at your party.” MessyRedFlower
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I get where you’re coming from and he needs to learn that he can’t continue to ruin events by ranting about how horrible the world is.
If that’s all he has to talk about then he shouldn’t be talking or he needs to find something else.
It also seems like this isn’t a one-off, but a pattern of behavior with your father.
Next time let him know that he can discuss whatever he wants but if he starts spouting crap about how horrible the world is. Then you’ll change the topic to something more fun and lifting.
If he’s ruining events because he’s passing on the conversation then he needs to be called. His behavior is not ok.” Intrepid-Database-15
4. AITJ For Serving Two Different Cakes At Our Wedding?
“My husband, Josh (29F), and I (27F) just had our wedding a couple of weeks ago and we mostly got good feedback until today we have heard that a lot of people have been smack-talking the cake behind our backs.
Josh and I originally were going to have a smaller wedding at a resort. We were fortunate enough to be given some money to invite extra guests, so we decided to expand the wedding and have some of our second cousins and their kids, and some friends that we otherwise don’t get to see as often.
We are on a budget, so we decided to keep the ‘fancy’ cake (the cutting cake for the pictures, not the real cake) for immediate family and the pastor and a few members of the wedding party that we have known for the longest. We gave them the cake in boxes to take home though so they wouldn’t be eating it in front of everyone else.
(Minus the pastor because he flew out from ways and he is vegan so he couldn’t eat the dinner and we wanted him to have something to eat before it got too late.)
We got a couple of sheet cakes. One was vanilla and buttercream with rosettes and then there was another sheet cake of pineapple chocolate chunks especially for Josh’s side of the family (because they spend a lot of time in Florida).
We found out from talking with family that there were a lot of full slices left behind on people’s plates of pineapple cake. (Which the servers would not take home with them, so we noticed you could see it in a lot of the pictures.) We were having too much fun to notice at the time, we loved catching up with all our guests!
Apparently, Josh’s family did not like the cake like we thought they would and there have been some unkind words behind our backs. We got a text from Josh’s uncle that wasn’t meant for us to see and it really stung.
We are unsure where to go from here and what to say.
The cake did not go off like we hope but we think they are being unnecessarily mean.
(By the way, there was a full dinner, three kinds of cheese — even Monterey Jack — available, and an open bar that didn’t close until late. So I feel like we were pretty good to our guests on a shoestring budget!)”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you didn’t get a vegan meal for your pastor who flew a long distance to officiate. You openly distributed three cakes which very clearly were of different levels and chose who got what. You served one side of the family before the other.
You assumed that people could trade cake flavors with strangers. You decided that chocolate pineapple would be the best flavor for his family because they’ve spent time in Florida (what?!). Honestly, I’d say you’re a bad host rather than a jerk because you seem to have meant well, but your planning decisions are inhospitable and indefensible.” no_good_namez
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Good intentions but you screwed up.
With so many people not eating it, it’s not because of feelings, it’s because it tasted bad.
And for some reason, you seemed to think that Josh’s family was so dumb they wouldn’t notice their cake looked nothing like the cake that was photographed, cut, and ‘discreetly’ given to others.
Plus the reasoning that you chose pineapple because of Florida sounds like a nonsense excuse to them because Florida is known for citrus – oranges, key limes – not pineapple.
Yes, people should be happy with whatever they get, sure. But when only half the wedding specifically gets served a nasty cake people are going to talk.
Also going to be a bit of a cheese snob here but Monterey Jack is not a fancy cheese.” Laines_Ecossaises
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You can serve whatever flavors you want but you literally had people assigned flavors. Your family got to eat first and got a classic/normal cake.
His family got fed second and got (I’m sorry to say) a really weird cake. If you had made it an offering then sure, it would have just sat untouched. But you assigned cake. To say you expected them to trade cake with someone else is just weird.
I honestly can’t tell if this was the worst executed attempt to do something special or if that’s the excuse you’re using after realizing how differently you treated your family vs his.” angel2hi
The way you divvied up the cake is really weird too. I get saving the fancy cake for the pastor and immediate family, but why did only some of the bridal party get some instead of everyone? And you had two sheet cakes, which is no issue there (my ex and I had three sheet cakes) but one sounds good and one sounds… weird? Like you specifically got a cake for the groom’s family (chocolate pineapple? Really?), which I guess is a nice gesture but it sounds like it just wasn’t a good cake, proven by how many people refused to eat it, and even the servers refused to take it home. Did you even try this cake? While I do think it’s tacky that the family is still talking about the awful cake, at the end of the day it is just cake, but it sounds like things weren’t planned out or executed well.
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To My Partner's Home For Thanksgiving?
“I (M22) am with my ex’s (22) little sister (20). Nothing weird. No third-party. She broke up with me when I went away for college. She did not want to go long-distance. It was just a high school thing and neither of us was heartbroken or anything.
We never slept together.
She got married one year out of high school and has a kid.
Her sister ended up in the same college as me and we ran into each other when I was a junior and she was a freshman. She liked having someone to show her the ropes and we became friends.
Last year we started hooking up. But we ended up getting more serious. So now we are driving together when we go to our home town and she wants me to come over during the weekend.
We are spending Thanksgiving with our own families but she wants me to come over.
I think it would be uncomfortable for me to go there until we know we are more than what we are.
Our families do not know we are together and until we are sure I don’t think they need to know.
She thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill but I think it could be super tense.
So she is giving me the silent treatment and I hate it.
Yes I know we are young and this might be nothing. And I am well aware that there are thousands of other girls I could go out with at school. But we like each other.
And I don’t want to upset her. But I do not think I want to see my ex or her dad, husband, or kid.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
I think you should tell your families before/if you go through. Going as a surprise doesn’t seem like a good idea and everyone may have feelings over this that they may need to process.
She seems like she wants to introduce you to the family. That’s okay, just explain that there could be trouble without warning and that you love her and want it to go as smoothly as possible, so you want to think about every scenario.
But you did dump where you eat as someone else put it.” WRose287
Another User Comments:
“Light YTJ
Figure out what you want from this relationship. You can’t avoid her family indefinitely if it’s serious. If it’s not, then it seems like she might think it is if she’s inviting you to meet and spend time with her family.
If your partner is saying it won’t be a big deal, then trust her. Fairly likely she knows how her sister will react a little better than you.
Realistically, what’s the worst that could happen? Your partner is already showing her displeasure with how you’re acting.
If you don’t think you can be mature about it, that’s one thing, but you do you really have a reason to think her family won’t be?” xLije
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If this isn’t serious, there is no point in upsetting everyone over the holidays.
Because it might cause an upset.
Your SO is a bit of a jerk for inviting drama over the holidays by bringing it up now when a later time could be smoother and more appropriate.
Think about how you want this relationship to go because if it gets serious, you will be getting serious about family gatherings, as well.
There will be no escaping the potential drama and awkwardness.” oldclam
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
‘But I do not think I want to see my ex or her dad, husband, or kid.’
It’s fine you don’t want to see your ex. It is NOT fine you don’t want to see her dad, her husband, or her kid.
Because you should be wanting to meet your current SO’s parents, siblings, siblings-in-law, and niblings. It really sucks for you that your ex is your current partner’s sister. But you should get over it. If you see a future with this girl, it’ll be even more awkward next year, or with Christmas, as at some point, you’ve kept the relationship a secret for too long.
I sincerely hope your SO has already shared who she’s with with her sister, otherwise, it might indeed be chaotic if you show up unannounced as ‘younger sister’s new fling’. But as long as your ex, her husband, and her dad know you’re coming, and are OK with it, better suck up the uneasiness now, instead of when you announce living together marriage or pregnancy.” KleineDorpsbewoner
2. AITJ For Not Forcing My Child To Take Painkillers?
“My (37f) son (4) had an earache a few nights ago. He was crying and upset and taking a while to fall asleep.
I obviously offered infant paracetamol, but he was really against the idea and I didn’t want to force him to take it, as it will just traumatize him more and make it more difficult when we need to get him to take medicine that he really needs.
My husband (43m) thinks we should have forced him and is still angry with me for not being stricter with him and making him take it. He did calm down and sleep after a while and was fine when he woke up in the morning.
AITJ?
It was mild pain. He certainly wasn’t ‘screaming out in pain’ as someone put it, I know my child and it wasn’t that bad. One clue is that it started the moment he had to go to sleep. It was a background pain that he didn’t even notice until he tried to still his body.
Yes, it could’ve got worse or started at that exact moment but if he was really in pain I would have forced him. Just because you’ve suffered a really bad earache doesn’t mean he did.
I would certainly give him medication if it was necessary, and would have taken a different and more directive approach if so so he would have known I’m not messing about.
We have liquid paracetamol/ibuprofen here (UK) which is flavored and sweetened, but he was against that. I had a chat with him tonight about taking medicine and how it is important if we say so. We’ve agreed that he’ll take it mixed up with honey (he’s seen us have honey on a spoon when feeling bad and has had some himself) so I’ll need to get some pills to crush and attempt that with.
I understand my husband’s position better now and we are on better terms, but I still maintain that I’m not the jerk given the fact that the pain wasn’t too bad.
Edit 2: I asked this question to get a better understanding of my husband’s position and I did that.
I have 4.5 years of experience dealing with this child, I was there that night.
I admit I should have explored more creative options to get it into him, but we have tried that in the past with no success.
I went to a pharmacist today and was advised that there is no alternative to liquid for kids under 6, over the counter anyway.
Don’t know if it’s true but that’s what he said (I’m in the UK).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘Forcing’ a small kid to take an oral medication has a way of not going well. It sets you up for conflict every time the child needs medication.
Seriously, if it comes to you physically holding the kid down and squirting grape syrup in their face while they gag and scream, you’re not helping.
Persuading can work. Offering the medication in another form can work. Hiding the medication in something else can work.
When it’s just an analgesic like paracetamol, other remedies like heat can help. (Obv that’s not an option with antibiotics or similar.) Just… get creative. And keep up the conversation about how the paracetamol will relieve their pain.
Cost-benefit calculation: If I shove this paracetamol into this kid over their vociferous or even physical refusal, will the temporary relief of minor pain be worth the long-term cost of dealing with a kid who will refuse every medication for years, out of fear or spite?” Amiedeslivres
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
He’s 4. 4-year-olds will NEVER make good decisions when it is in their best interest. Let me repeat it again. HE. IS. 4.
When it comes to medicine, over-the-counter, or prescription you don’t GIVE A 4-YEAR-OLD A CHOICE.
You don’t even give a 4-year-old a real choice on what to wear, you pick out several outfits and let them choose from the pre-selected outfits because YOU ARE THE ADULT, because if given the chance a 4-year-old would pick completely inappropriate clothing for the weather conditions.
Why are you giving a toddler/preschooler that much control? You are literally setting yourself up for MAJOR issues later on with your child.
When a child is sick you give them medicine even if it means hiding it in juice or yogurt or pudding.” Ok_Tough_929
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not forcing him to take it, since it wasn’t a necessary medicine, but did you offer other options like putting it in juice or having something sweet after it?
He didn’t NEED the medicine. It would have made him more comfortable, but it’s not the same as refusing an antibiotic.
He wasn’t going to be damaged by not taking it. And not forcing him to take something he can live without makes it carry more weight when you insist he needs something like an antibiotic. Like, he knows he can trust you to only force the issue when you have to.
But, I would have tried offering to put it in a drink or something because it would make him feel better.
Also, if he’s in so much pain that you can’t distract him or try to convince him to take medicine, and you feel his need for a painkiller is so strong you have to hold him down and force it in him, then he probably needs to go to urgent care.
That level of pain is a sign he needs a doctor right away.” Friendly_Shelter_625
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you are too weak and wet to stop your child’s pain and bring down his temperature.
He is 4 and ill. He isn’t in a position to make decisions.
You should make the decision for him and persuade him to take the medication. You don’t need to force him, just make it clear that he needs this to get better. You can get fruit-flavored liquid paracetamol for kids. You don’t need to shove tablets in him like he is a cat.
It’s not rocket science. You are a parent, not his friend. I’d report you for medical neglect if I knew you in real life.
Grow up.” ResponseMountain6580
1. AITJ For Not Telling My Ex The Gender Of Our Baby?
“I personally don’t want to know the gender of my baby as I don’t think it matters. My ex was previously uninterested in our baby/me and made it clear he was only going to fulfill his financial obligations to our baby without playing a fatherly role.
Since his family has found out, I suddenly have his full attention and so does our baby.
His family has been asking me if I know the baby’s gender yet and they haven’t been subtle about letting me know that they’d like me to find out.
I’ve told them I don’t want to know but now my ex is demanding I find out. He told me he wants to know if I’m giving him a son and has even tried to bribe me to find out for him.
The last time he asked me, I told him he would find out once the baby is born but he told me he wasn’t going to wait that long and he had as much right as me to know our baby’s gender. He thinks I’m going to let him come to my next appointment so he can find out but I’m going to reschedule it instead.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Until the baby is born, anything about the baby is YOUR medical information. Your Ex doesn’t get any say in your medical decisions (such as whether you find out the gender of your baby or whether you allow your Ex in the delivery room).
Given the behavior of your Ex and his family, I highly recommend that you set passwords with all of your doctor’s offices. Ask your medical provider to NOT check for the baby’s gender, nor to record anything about the baby’s gender. Stop giving your Ex any access to any information about your pregnancy, and keep details off your social media.
Given their obvious misogyny, it might actually be a good idea to move out of the state before your baby is born, just in case. If you give birth to a boy, your Ex’s family is going to be all up in your business if you live nearby.
Move out of state, get off social media, and get a new phone number and you might save yourself some drama.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, until your baby is born he has no rights. He can not do anything. But get a lawyer because you will need one to protect your and your child’s rights.
Give him and his family the lawyer’s phone number and if you want to you can go no contact until the baby is born. If you breastfeed it will be months after the baby is born before the child can spend time away from you.
Just remember to get child support in writing, until that’s done don’t give them anything. Those people are not your friends and they are not going to help you. Any information they get will be used against you.” No-You5550
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m glad he has had a change of heart about the baby.
Good for his family for whipping him into shape it sounds like. Maybe he was just scared but whatever it was I’m very happy to hear that. He’s on board now. Too bad he doesn’t get to find out the gender because unfairly to the other parent you’re the mama bear and you get to make that decision.
He’ll survive. In my opinion, the best thing would be to learn how to be friends with him because he’s going to be there forever.
The baby’s life will be so much better if the two of you have each other’s backs.
Wherever these ridiculous ideas are coming from about you, not giving the baby his last name, or not letting him be at the birth please don’t pay any attention to that, because that will in no way whatsoever help your child by starting her life in conflict.
Family Court won’t agree with it either and if you can avoid the family court circus YOU AND THE BABY will be much much happier. A judge will always look at the fact of whether or not you had the child’s best interest in every single decision and communication you have ever made about her.
They don’t look at feelings, they look at facts.” User
