People Offer Their Wisdom In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Not Lending Money To My Rude Brother?
“I’m 20 and my brother is 19, so we are basically very close in age, etc. Both in college and all.
Last week I was broke af. I had no money in my account. I had just started a software engineering internship, so I had to spend a lot of money transporting to work and stuff.
I asked him if he could lend me £20 just for transporting to work. He was super rude and smug to me, calling me “poor” and all around just being a jerk about it. My mother had to help me in the end.
So today I was paid for my work.
I got a lovely £2000 from work. My first salary. He needed to get a taxi to his friend’s birthday party and I told him to get lost. My parents were begging me to help him, but I told them that if he wanted help from me, he shouldn’t have been mean when I asked him for help.
My parents think I’m being petty ’cause I’m older.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, This isn’t about being petty, you asked for £20 to cover the cost of getting to WORK. He needed money for a taxi to get to a birthday party. What did he expect to happen?
He treats you horribly after you asked for help, then gets surprised when he’s denied help from you. Actions have consequences, something your brother’s learning the hard way. Congratulations on your paid job.” Jake_Let_2991
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother acted like an immature child when you asked for help.
I suppose that one could say you’re being “Petty” by not giving him some of your hard-earned money, but I personally don’t see it. You politely declined his request, which is 100% within your right. Now if you jumped around him, waving your £2,000 check in his face while taunting him as he did, I would say you were being petty.” Jovon35
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You asked for a LOAN to… get to WORK. He was a complete jerk about it. Now that work has paid you, he expects you to just loan or give him money to get to a BIRTHDAY PARTY??? Like he actively prevented you from earning that money and made you feel terrible for needing help getting there, and now he wants to not even apologize and be pampered…
You’re not being petty or a jerk, and your parents need to seriously start implementing consequences for treating siblings poorly. For your brother, I don’t care if he’s a measly year younger than you. He should have been told that it serves him right to not be able to attend for being so mean-spirited towards you.
He didn’t just not help; he ridiculed you for it. If he’s so rich, tell him to use his own money for parties and leave your responsible “poor” working butt alone.” L4L-MAA
21. AITJ For Not Considering My Father's Child As My Sibling?
“About 5 years ago my father started seeing his partner. This was almost directly after he had gotten out of another relationship; the girl in question was physically and mentally abusive toward me, and my father had ignored all of this going on while I lived with them.
So, once my grandmother took me out of that situation, things between me and my dad were rocky, to say the least.
Our relationship only got worse when he started seeing his current partner (same as previously mentioned), who is manipulative toward him and disrespects and has done many things to my family.
At that point, our whole relationship was basically ruined, and I cut him off almost completely.
Now, here’s where I might be the jerk: My father and his partner had a son together. Ever since they told me (and her two children) this, they and the rest of my dad’s side of the family have tried to push this “big sister” agenda onto me.
I have only met their son about 7 times in total, and we have about a 14-year age gap. (He is 2, nearly 3 I believe.) So there is no way we will ever even build a remotely close relationship together.
I have never felt or expressed interest in building a relationship with my father or anything he does with his current family.
And so, for an instance where I may have been a jerk, my grandmother was asking me about “how it felt to no longer be an only child,” and I simply told her that I didn’t know, since I AM one, which resulted in her telling me I should at least try to consider him as a sibling.
I have refused to refer to us as related on multiple occasions, most of which my family tells me I’m being immature and petty. But I don’t think I am for not wanting to associate with my father or his new family. I’m not sure though, so now I’ve resorted to asking here.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is difficult to feel like a family when your relationship with your father and his wife is so contentious. So I understand why you don’t feel like a sibling. Just tell your family that your dad’s wife has done too many horrible things and that your relationship with your father is too fragile right now for you to feel like you’re part of his family.
Tell them it’s not pettiness but heartbreak that you have to work through before you can see yourself as a big sister. You’re almost an adult. Focus on your future. Go seek out your dreams — school, creating, trade, whatever you want so you can stabilize your life.
Visualize it and work towards it. Take care.” LouisV25
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But, keep those as inside thoughts. Eventually, that child might hear you, and that child may view you as a sibling, and you don’t need to hurt that child. You aren’t mad at them, and I have a 14-year age gap with 2 siblings.
One is totally my brother, and one is my ‘brother.’ I am 37 and have seen him a total of 10 times (probably less). So, you don’t have to be close, and if people push you, explain in private. But, if someone at a party says something, X is just so adorable.
Change the topic to them — how is Y? I love those jeans; where did you get them? That makes it awkward and clear that the conversation should end. That would be my approach. Call them brother, in name only. Save the drama. Explain to people who will listen.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ – Judging by the age gap and your sibling’s age you are 16 years old. At 16 you have a lot of emotions that can cause you to think and feel irrationally. I had a similar situation in my life. I am 29 and my brother is 15, going on 16.
I had a rough relationship with our dad when I was your age and felt similar to you about my younger brother. But I realized that he is my brother and just because he has my father’s genes doesn’t mean he’s my father.
I type all this while my little brother lives with me for the next few months because he wanted to get away from his parents and we have a really close relationship. You can’t let your relationship with your father get in the way of your relationship with your sibling.
Knowing who your father and their mother are, it sounds like this child will need all the love and support they can get throughout their life. You cannot fault them for the parents they have. And to be clear, none of this should mean you are forced to have a relationship with your dad.
I didn’t talk to mine for 5 years.” Alock74
20. AITJ For Recording My Teacher And Deleting The Video?
“I am a 14-year-old girl studying in the third year of secondary school.
It just so happens that a teacher at my school has been crossing the line (yelling at us, calling us names, and stuff like that), so I decided to record him during one of those horrible scoldings.
The issue is that the video circulated through the WhatsApp groups related to our class, and the school director found out, so she said that we had invaded the teacher’s privacy, and that we could have legal problems.
I got really scared, and I deleted the video after I sent it to my classmates. Was it really wrong to do what I did?”
Another User Comments:
“Oh, but what names though? A teacher yelling at their pupils is fine, as there should be a suitable reason for that.
Remember that teaching is really stressful like nursing, and teachers are horribly underpaid. If I remember correctly, at least here in the UK you need the permission of a person to record them; otherwise, the recorder will be in trouble. IMO YTJ, sorry, I might change my mind if given enough evidence.” RoyalInfernoASR
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. All you did was share a video of something that happened. It sounds like your teacher was abusing you and now your school is embarrassed about his behavior. Have you thought of asking your parents for help? If you explain what’s been happening in class I doubt they’ll be too happy about it.
And your director is just trying to scare you. Since you’re only 14, you’re a minor (depending on the country you live in, I guess?) meaning that it’s unlikely you’ll get into any real legal trouble over something like this.” ChiefJudgeMcGruder
Another User Comments:
“Scottish secondary school teacher here.
I understand why others here have encouraged you to keep the recording, but it will be against school policy and can be seen as a breach of the Data Protection Act, as best as I can recall. (The Local Authority where I work doesn’t allow unauthorized recordings.) I’m not commenting on the morality of making the recording—just the legality of it.
I’ve attended church services online and we’re always warned against making recordings at the beginning of each service.” PurpleAquilegia
19. AITJ For Only Spending Father's Day With My Dad?
“My parents are divorced and both remarried. My mother was unfaithful to my father and is now married to the man she was unfaithful with for the past 10 years.
I am now in my 30s and absolutely adore my dad. He is such an absolute gem and has never been anything but a great father to me and my sibling. I always spend Father’s Day with him.
Years prior, my mother made a huge deal about me not making an effort to show her husband’s care for him during Father’s Day, and gets really upset when all he receives is a “Happy Father’s Day” text or card when my actual father gets my attention on that day.
Am I really the jerk for not making a grand gesture towards her husband?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you were nearly/already an adult when they split up if they’ve been married for ten years. He didn’t raise you, he didn’t do any fathering.
Maybe your Mom can do something for him? A text is fine in this case. Maybe your Mom needs to look at her own behavior and try to figure out why you only owe him a text.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he’s not your father and your father is still someone in your life that you want to celebrate.
I’m also assuming the timeline here based on you saying she’s been with him for 10 years means he wasn’t even in your life at a time he would have been a parental figure, so he’s never even done the job of trying to father you.
She should be happy with the choices she’s made without needing validation from you for them, and she shouldn’t be trying to guilt you into giving it.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have every right to decide who you think is your father figure.
You are not obligated to think both are a father to you and if you don’t feel a bond with your mother’s husband, then even just saying Happy Father’s Day is more than should be expected from you.” bigdumbchicken
18. AITJ For Confronting House-Sitting Parents Over Deleted Games?
“Whenever my family and I (20M) go on a vacation, we let another family who have been friends with us for a few years now stay at our place to take care of our dogs.
We recently went on a two-week vacation which meant they were to stay at our place again. They are two parents (40F & 43M) with two kids (8F & 10M). I let the kids use my PlayStation 4 because they cannot bring theirs, so they can play their own games that they bring on disc so they don’t bore themselves all day.
This is a genuinely nice family, although sometimes the kids are a little entitled.
When we return from the vacation, I decide that I want to go play on my PlayStation for a bit. To my shock, I see only five games are available to play on my PlayStation.
Three of which are theirs and games that I just really am not into (Fifa, Fortnite for example), and the other two are games from my sister’s (22F) account that I don’t play either (Skyrim and Fallout 4). I notice that all my prized and favorite games (AC: Origins, Infamous Second Son, GTA V to name a few) have been deleted…
Now listen, I don’t game as much as I used to, but these are games I adore going back to every now and then for escapism and just the fun of reliving doing the work in them. I was genuinely heartbroken by this but remembered I had them all on disc so that when they pop back into the console, I should have all my data still there.
Well, unfortunately, all my games are just not downloading. I get the black x over the download progress bar and I try everything to make it work (check if I have enough space, turn it off and on again, rebuilding the database) to no avail.
The only way I can play those games now is if I pay the full price for them on the PlayStation store, which would be in the hundreds of £GBP.
It feels a little childish to be this emotional about it but these are games that truly were a part of my growing up and were so formative for me, especially with the original save files being there and the nostalgia of replaying my favorite games.
So now I ask you, would I be the jerk if I confronted their parents about the situation?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNTBJ. DO IT. Can you get into your account purchases for a record that would prove how much you spent on getting those games?
If not, add up how much it would cost to buy all those games (including add-ons if any) again. Use that when you confront them and insist on being reimbursed. You were being kind and they have lost your money, you have every right to ask for it back.
Involve your parents too.” Y-Crwydryn
Another User Comments:
“Someone deleted your games without permission. It’s no different than if they threw out a prized physical possession or family heirloom. YWNTBJ for questioning how this happened; since so many folk don’t see digital possessions as valuable, you’ll need to speak carefully, but you should speak if the games were memorable and valuable to you.
And in the future, the kids don’t get to use your stuff.” tosser9212
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They damaged your PlayStation by deleting games. Parents should pay to get the games back, and either they shouldn’t house sit again, or I would lock up your belongings if they do.
Let your parents know too. Parents are responsible for their kid’s actions. It isn’t childish at all. They need to make this right. Check your PlayStation storage. Your game files should be saved there so you shouldn’t lose anything.” cadmium2093
17. AITJ For Demanding Dancing At My Own Wedding Despite My Father's Wishes?
“I live in a conservative Muslim family. My father is an Imam at the neighborhood mosque so everyone knows him very well and respects him a lot. Growing up, I didn’t have birthday parties except one with 4 friends and my fiancé. I didn’t celebrate my high school graduation or my diploma.
It did hurt because no one has celebrated my life.
I didn’t think much of it because I kept saying to myself that one day I’ll get married and there will be the celebration I waited for. As for once in my life, I’ll be the center of attention for a few hours.
But as I planned my wedding and it came to what band should we get for my wedding, my father dropped a bomb on me and said there would be no dancing at the wedding or else he’d leave instantly. Instead, he’ll get a one-guy band that sings like boring, non-dancing, encouraging music.
I love my father and it will crush me if he’s not at my wedding. But this is my day, my wedding; I’m supposed to celebrate and enjoy those few hours of my life that won’t happen again. I’m leaning toward doing it whether he likes it or not.
But I’m afraid I’ll be hated by my family.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but there are some very delicate family dynamics at play here. My thought is that you should tell him that there will be dancing and you will not budge on that, and give him the choice of whether to come or not with that knowledge in mind.
This day is for you and your partner, and you should celebrate how you want to celebrate. But there is always the chance he will show up and cause a scene anyway, which will likely have exactly the effect you don’t want. Congratulations on the marriage, and I hope you have a wonderful day and many happy years together.
And good luck navigating this thorny issue.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And do what you want. If you want your father there, invite him. If he leaves, he leaves. That’s his choice. But your wedding is the start of YOUR marriage and is therefore about YOU.
And to highly disagree with any commenter who tells you not to invite him makes you a jerk. It doesn’t. It’s your wedding. You can invite whomever YOU want to celebrate YOUR life the way YOU want to celebrate. Are any of them jerks for not inviting people to their wedding they didn’t want there?
I doubt they’d agree with that assessment if the tables were turned.” TashiaNicole1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re forming your own family now. It is not up to your parents as to how you live your life; it is up to YOU, as an adult, about to get married. Put your foot down.
Do not take a penny of their money for your wedding. If, for personal religious reasons, you would like to have only the Nikah for now, just wait and save up. Throw the party of your dreams when you are able to do so for YOU and not for others.
Your other option is to have the religious ceremony on a certain day/time and have your celebration on another day/time. I’ve been to plenty of weddings of children from very conservative families that have found this arrangement to work for them.” [deleted]
16. AITJ For Skipping My Grandmothers Funeral To Avoid My Abusive Father?
“My grandmother passed away on Saturday. My mother and I haven’t been in contact for almost a year.
After I came out as non-binary, I had a lot to talk about, and while she was receptive to me coming out, she was also pretty unreliable with my name and pronouns. So far, so normal. I don’t hate her, but I do find her exhausting.
However, one of the things she’s dismissed completely is when I told her that my father (they’ve been divorced for 17 years) was abusive to me. I’ve now realized I’m doing that recovery on my own.
Cut to yesterday, when I spoke to my mother. She said that there was a chance my father would be at my grandmother’s funeral. I was pretty much stunned and didn’t really say how I felt.
My mother pleaded with me that I attend for my grandmother, ignore him, and don’t start anything.
In the time since, I’ve landed on different emotions, from betrayed to furious to guilty.
I’m planning on telling her that I’m not coming to the funeral. While my grandmother was a good person, I already grieved all of my family when I left them.
I feel like I don’t have anything left to give them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I was estranged from my family from the time I was 18 or so. My dad hated my maternal grandparents for calling him out on his crap, so when my grandma – who, along with my grandad, were my only stable attachment figures growing up – passed away, I was intending to go to her funeral and deal with the fall out with my mum later.
However, I found out my dad was intending to go – probably out of spite – so I didn’t go. Instead, I went somewhere we shared and I planted her favorite rose in my garden. I remember her without the ritual of a funeral and I still love her.
NTJ – you don’t have to expose yourself to toxic people to remember your grandma.” alohabeckyboo
Another User Comments:
“Honestly you’re not in the wrong here when it comes to the situation. Your grandmother knows that you loved her; she loved you; she didn’t treat you negatively whatsoever.
However, because of the abuse that your father caused you and because of the trauma that you’ve been through with him and still recovering from, I think it’s safe to say that you’re doing the right thing for yourself mentally and emotionally. However, you are basically preparing yourself to go no contact with both of your parents, even though with your father you should have gone no contact with him years ago.
Your mother, I think, is more afraid of having to deal with her mother’s passing alone, and in addition to that, she’s looking for love, trying to move forward in your relationship with you. You said that she’s accepting of you being non-binary, but I think she’s doing that because she doesn’t want to lose you.
She’s not going to change when it comes to your name and your gender pronunciation. However, I think you may want to recommend to her that in order for you and her to have a relationship, she needs to be a part of your recovery—whether it’s through counseling or therapy as moral and emotional support, or just letting her know that you’re there for her when she’s ready and when you’re ready.
Lastly, most importantly, you need to be prepared for the bombardment of phone calls, the bombardment of negative attacks, and the reaction that’s going to come your way from family members, family friends, and close friends of both of your parents—particularly your mother—because this is only going to get worse, and this is going to probably destroy her.
You’re not in the wrong here, but you need to prepare yourself for the inevitable, because you may be seen in her eyes as the destruction of her family.” Nice-Positive9435
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – a funeral is for processing grief for those mourning, not the deceased. It isn’t the only valid way to mourn, and being in the same space as someone who did something like that to you doesn’t sound like something that would be helpful for you in any way – on the contrary, it sounds like it could be harmful.
If you still need to process this death, there are many ways to go about that without having to share a space with your abuser. There are many reasons people don’t go to a loved one’s funeral. Despite the ceremony and reverence we place on that ritual, they aren’t the end all be all.” Ephemera-42
15. AITJ For Keeping A Super Soft Sweater My Ex Gave Me Despite My Partner's Jealousy?
“10 years ago, my sister and I were living in an apartment in a bad neighborhood. Our next-door neighbor, I’ll call her Cindy, became very good friends with my sister. We all grew very close.
My sister sadly fell into substances and went to prison about 2 years after meeting Cindy.
Cindy and I did all we could to get her clean, but prison was the only thing that did that.
While my sis was inside, Cindy and I grew closer and briefly saw each other. We lasted about 2 months before we amicably split. Part of the reason we split was because Cindy realized she was a lesbian, and not bi as she had thought.
We are still on good terms.
My sis got out and she and I moved in together again. Cindy was still there for us, and a big help. We got another great neighbor, I’ll call him Ted. The 4 of us began to do gift exchanges around every Christmas.
Nothing big, but a great little tradition. We have done it for the last 5 years since my sis got out. Ted isn’t even our neighbor anymore (neither is Cindy), but we all still cross town to get together once a year.
Cindy is still VERY close to my sis.
Best friends. Cindy has been seeing a woman for a couple of years now, and it’s getting serious. Cindy is thinking about popping the question. I only mention this to show that Cindy is truly just a very good friend, with no romantic interest in me.
My current partner and I have been seeing each other for about 6 months. We will call her Jane. She is insanely jealous of Cindy. She gets angry when Cindy comes to my place to hang out with my sister. One time, Cindy went to my mother’s house to fix her washing machine.
Jane and I stopped by hours after Cindy had left, and Mom just casually said I could do laundry there again if I wanted to because Cindy fixed the washer. Jane cried for over an hour and forbade me from washing the clothes in the washer my ex fixed. She is just completely unhinged about her.
A week ago, we did the yearly gift exchange. Cindy got me a plain black sweater, but it is really soft. Seriously, the softest thing I’ve ever put on my body. I love it.
When Jane found out Cindy gave it to me, she completely lost her mind.
She wants me to get rid of it.
But it’s a really comfortable sweater, and I don’t want to. I told her she is being ridiculous. Cindy and I saw each other YEARS ago, for only a couple of months. And she is a lesbian.
I’m refusing to get rid of the shirt.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I think it might be time to tell her “she’s too much woman for you!” and tell her you know she’ll find a total stud who deserves her awesomeness. Seriously, she can’t understand plain English words “Cindy is a lesbian.
Cindy has no romantic interest in me, and I have no romantic interest in Cindy.” The ridiculousness of crying for an hour and forbidding you to use a washer Cindy fixed says that either this is fake, or your partner is cray cray. You’re exchanging gifts with your sister and two friends, one of whom you saw for 1/3 the time you’ve been seeing your current partner.
What kind of future would you have with this crazy jealous woman? What will she forbid you to do next, walk on a floor because Cindy crossed it? Use a toilet because Cindy used it? The intimacy can’t possibly be worth it, man, but let her down gently and get cameras for your apartment door and parking spot ’cause, crazy.” Constant_Host_3212
Another User Comments:
“It starts with Cindy and won’t end until Jane has isolated you from all of your family and friends. That’s the only way she’ll have no one to be jealous of or that can interfere with your relationship. Life’s too short to be miserable living someone else’s life.
Get rid of Jane. Congratulations on your new, ultra-soft sweater. I’m sure it will be of more comfort than Jane.” Prestigious-Bluejay5
Another User Comments:
“If I were seeing a woman I’d lose interest if she still had a close friendship with her ex, even if she said he was gay.
The fact that it was years ago would make it worse not better as it means the relationship is longstanding and I’d wonder where I fit in. The friendship might be harmless but there’s a lot of potential for it to be otherwise and I’d never wade into those waters.
NTJ, because your partner was stupid enough to ignore that and got in a relationship with you anyway, but it’s a situation for which it is natural for her to be bothered.” Electrical-Ad-1798
14. AITJ For Considering Telling My Sister's Father Where To Find Her?
“My (24f) mother had 5 children. Only her last child lives with her. Throughout my life, my mother has never been a consistent figure in my life, but now that I have grown and begun to make money, she is very constant in my life. This is the case for all of her kids except the last 2.
Recently, my sister (11) has been playing sides with her mother and father and his family. This caused my mother to get the idea of keeping her. My sister lived with her father and his family from the age of 2, and my mother basically kidnapped her over the summer.
She took her on the pretense of carrying her for the weekend and never brought her back.
Now, my sister wants to go back home to her father and his family as she is missing out on important family events.
My mother now works in my building and frequently leaves my sister and younger brother (6) in the car by themselves.
I’ve come to the realization that she only got my sister because she needed a babysitter, as she has no one to leave my brother with due to her burning bridges with family members.
My sister’s father has no idea where she is or where to find her, as my mother has hidden her location from him.
I know this will put a strain on my mother, as she needs my sister to watch my brother while she is at work.
WIBTJ if I told my sister’s father where to get her from, knowing she would be in a bad position because she will have no one to watch my younger brother?”
Another User Comments:
“You have waited this long and let her keep two children in a car for hours and your issue is that she doesn’t have anyone else to watch the younger kid???? If I were your co-worker or anyone in your vicinity I would have called CPS ages ago.
That woman should not be allowed around children AT ALL. OMG. YTJ.” jolandaluna
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you should be more worried about the children than about your mother. It sounds like she’s literally kidnapped your sister, and not treated her very well either, since your sister wants to go home to her father.
By all means, help your sister’s father find her, and if your brother has any other options for custody other than your mother, it would be good to follow up on that too. I can’t imagine that child protection laws in your area allow anyone to leave children in a car for an entire workday.” SavingsRhubarb8746
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Essentially, your mother has turned her daughter into a slave. Telling Dad where to find her and rescue her would basically make you Harriet Tubman. Call Dad now and set up the details. Otherwise, your sister is doomed to a life of servitude to your mother’s whim.” grckalck
13. AITJ For Refusing To Watch The Sound Of Music On Christmas?
“I 22m am spending Christmas with my partner 22f and her family.
A few nights ago my partner wanted me to watch The Sound of Music with her and her sister 17f cause they love it and watch it every year on Christmas.
The problem is I really can’t stand musicals, no offense to anybody who likes them. I just can’t stand them; the whole thing is just so silly and unrealistic, and I just can’t bring myself to suspend my disbelief enough to enjoy it.
So I said, “No, you can watch it with your sister; I’ll watch something else.” She said, “Oh come on, give it a try.
I bet you’ll love it.” To which I said, “No, I’m fine, you guys enjoy it. I’m not into musicals.” She pressured me a bit more to watch it with them, but I insisted I would just do something else and left.
The next day, she was kinda upset and not wanting to talk to me.
I asked her what was wrong, and she said it was rude of me to just dismiss The Sound of Music and say I don’t like it without ever having seen it.
I told her she knew I didn’t like musicals and she should’ve known I wouldn’t want to watch it.
But she said I should’ve at least given it a chance instead of dismissing it like I did.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. My husband HATES musicals but every year for Christmas he takes me to see Les Miserables in the theater (and pays about $200 for tickets) because he loves me.
And he doesn’t complain even though I know he isn’t a fan. He also watches musicals with me if I want to watch them. I also ran a marathon with him even though I hate running because I love him. I did a mud run in the mountains with him and crawled under barbed wire.
It was terrible. I go camping with him in the backcountry without showers or toilets. Sometimes we suck it up and do things we don’t like for the people we love because it matters to THEM, not because it is important to you.” Any_Comedian2468
Another User Comments:
“One of the necessary skills to learn in order to have a loving and successful long-term relationship is ‘compromise’. And, get this, when you actually LOVE the other person, it’s actually fun to ‘compromise’ with them, especially if it’s about doing something that they love.
You do it because there will be times when you want her to do something with you (that she’s not fond of doing). You do it because you want to make her happy. You do it because you want to learn all you can about her and what she likes.
Mostly, though, you do it simply because you love them. BTW – The Sound of Music is (adjusted for inflation) the highest-grossing musical of all time (Wicked won’t even come close) and one of the (adjusted for inflation) top 5 grossing films of all time! It’s really good (take it from someone who doesn’t necessarily like musicals).” pcnauta
Another User Comments:
“I never press people to participate in anything they don’t want to do. I make an offer, provide a concise description, and then accept if they say no. You’re NTJ so long as you were polite and reasonable in how you declined. However, YTJ if you went into a spiel about why you didn’t want to watch it.
When people I know try to push things on me that I’m not interested in, I just calmly explain in a civil manner that it’s simply not something I have an interest in, but that I do appreciate the thought. I get the POV from people who are tradition-focused, but I’ve never been a follow traditions person.
I have comforting routines I need to stick to, with the occasional peaks and valleys of spontaneity. When it comes to visual media, I’m often stuck in a loop of watching a specific movie or show over and over, and breaking that to watch something else (even if someone I care about very much greatly desires me to) can send me spiraling.
Because of all my struggles, I tend to be much more understanding of the various foibles of others, as I’ve realized we’re all uniquely flawed and imperfect. I get it when people get mad at me and think I’m being a jerk, when I’m just me — neither kind nor unkind, just a damaged little weirdo doing my best to function in a world that oft confounds me.” Current_Call_9334
12. AITJ For Wanting My Spouse To Change His Will In My Favor?
“My spouse and I live in a HCOL area and have north of $1m in debt, mostly in a home we recently bought.
My spouse is the primary breadwinner, about 65/35 split. I have everything willed to my spouse should I die.
My spouse insists that I wouldn’t need their full life insurance/investment accounts because I make good money. ~75% of his assets have been willed to his siblings, who he doesn’t support and frankly do not need a windfall.
I can’t really seem to get through to him that this is unusual and the money should be willed to me, his spouse. I am concerned about my ability to emotionally recover and pay the mortgage, or the house could crash in value for some macroeconomic reason.
I think it feels like we aren’t building a life together if we wouldn’t share our assets should one of us pass.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your spouse hates you. Think of it this way. Your spouse wants you to have nothing if he dies.
He wants you to only have the trappings of a good life if he’s alive. He wants you to be worse off when he is dead. He wants his siblings to have a better life than you after he dies. He wants you to be impoverished by his death.
He is doing nothing to protect his spouse and doesn’t want you to have a windfall if he dies. Just out here with your hat in your hand or selling everything so you can live. Your spouse doesn’t care for you as much as you think he does.
He’s not a good person.” bluepvtstorm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have never, in my life, heard of a person not intending to pass everything on to their partner should they pass away! Your husband’s first priority is to his wife and his family. His life insurance money is for you to be able to pay down any debts you may accumulate throughout life.
Tell him that you are extremely uncomfortable and feel anxious over what will happen should he pass before you. His siblings can take care of themselves. Life insurance is for the marital partner and assets. You are right to be concerned about this. I would want him to change it so that you are his sole beneficiary, as he is yours.
His naming his siblings is downright weird.” Aggressive_Cattle320
Another User Comments:
“75% towards his siblings? That’s, honestly, crazy. The bare minimum he could do for you is to make sure the house is paid off, so that you will always have somewhere to live. You make good money now, but it’s not unthinkable that you might not be able to do that anymore, due to disease, injury, or otherwise.
My husband had a good job until someone rear-ended him: he became permanently disabled. I get it that your husband would like to leave his siblings something, especially since you don’t seem to have kids, but 75% is ludicrously high. What a will is for is to make sure your partner is provided for and his will doesn’t quite do that: it is based on a best-case scenario and not a worst-case scenario for you, while the last should be the basis.
They are his assets; I get that. That makes me wonder why he leaves you not very well provided for and, apparently, unwilling to engage with you about this. You need to protect yourself financially because he is unwilling to do so. It’s not about needing the money: it’s about taking care of each other and he doesn’t do that.
Adjust your will: maybe put in some charities. If he feels that you earn enough not to need ‘his’ money, the same applies to him, so give it all away. Get your affairs in order to make sure you will be able to live where you live now and with a decent standard of living.
Apparently, you are less to him than his siblings.” plantprinses
11. AITJ For Refusing My Mother's Earring Gift Because Of My Needle Phobia?
“My mother who is 49 is offering to help me (29F) to get my ears pierced and buy me some earrings.
I know I should be grateful that she wants to do something for me like this and give me a gift. But there’s something that’s making me incredibly hesitant.
I have a very intense fear of needles. Just thinking about the needle going into my ear is making me incredibly anxious.
I’ve never gotten my ears pierced before, and it’s really freaking me out. But my mom is so insistent on me getting my ears pierced, and I have no idea why.
I don’t really understand why she’s so insistent on me getting my ears pierced. Well, I don’t want to come off as ungrateful to her by refusing the gift. WIBTJ if I decline her gift?”
Another User Comments:
“If you don’t want your ears pierced, don’t get them pierced! If you DO want your ears pierced and have a phobia of needles, that’s rough! I’d go to a piercing shop over a jeweler because while needles seem scarier, it’s wayyyy less painful and over much quicker!
They also see many people who are scared of needles and will place piercings much more precisely than a piercing gun. Again though: only get them if you want them!” danurc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s not a gift; it’s Mom trying to exert control.
If it helps any – I’ve had my ears pierced twice, at my own request, but I never ever wear earrings (and I’m pretty sure the holes have closed up again). It has not affected my life even the tiniest bit. If you want/need to wear earrings, clip-on is a thing — and if your desire to wear post earrings ever eclipses your fear of needles, then you can get them pierced under your own power.
“Thank you, Mom – I appreciate the offer! I’m not looking to get my ears pierced right now, but I’ll let you know if I change my mind!” Full stop. She pushes, just repeat the same thing… wash, rinse, repeat. She has no right to guilt you into this!” SaltyCrashNerd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your body, only do it if you want to (out of your own free will). The writing below is for if you do decide to get a piercing…. Just to reiterate – if you do decide to get a piercing, don’t go to places with piercing guns/piercing device (or any other name they use these days) that equipment is not sterilized, and it causes trauma to your ear (look at it this way – if you want to poke a hole in a piece of paper, which one makes a bigger hole: a pin or a hole-punch?
The bigger the hole in your ear, the more trauma….) Also, follow all aftercare instructions. Piercing places can be scary, but piercers are professionals, they’ve seen all kinds of reactions and phobias and they can help you. They also have better starter earrings (try and get implant-grade titanium as stainless steel quality is not as controlled) and watch out for nickel…..
I found out nickel and I don’t go well together when I put in a pair of hypoallergenic earrings. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Maybe try and get to the root of why your mother wants you to go through this?” Responsible_Handle93
10. AITJ For Not Inviting A Sherlock Fan To The Museum With My Home Friends?
“I (20F) currently attend university.
I’d like to think I’m pretty well-liked in my course, and I know/speak to a large amount of people. One of these people we’ll call Mary.
Mary is a HUGE Sherlock fan, especially BBC Sherlock—she had a picture of Martin Freeman as her lock screen for a long time, for example.
It’s something we bonded over; I saw one of her projects was Sherlock-based and we got talking. We’ve known each other for about two or so years now, but we’re the sort of friends you only see or speak to inside of university.
I’ve never hung out with her one-on-one or outside of school. We don’t really message either.
I moved to London for university, and my friends from my hometown were coming up for a concert, so obviously we decided to hang out that day.
They’re also both big fans of Sherlock, so we decided to buy tickets to the Sherlock Holmes Museum at 221B. It was great fun!
We took a lot of photos while in there and so, a few days later, I made a post on Instagram.
I didn’t think anything of it at all. I saw that Mary had liked the post and thought we’d be able to talk about it the next time I saw her, but that was it.
Well, the next time I was in the studio, Mary was super off with me.
Even the other people I was around noticed and asked what was up, but she refused to speak to anyone. Eventually, someone got it out of her that she was really upset that I went to the museum without her, that she loves it there and I know it’s something she would’ve wanted to do.
She said it was extremely rude and made her feel left out and excluded. I tried to explain that I went with friends from home and I was sorry if I upset her, but she just kept saying it was a callous and mean thing to do and ended up going home early.
I’m just confused. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong?? We’ve NEVER hung out before, and why would I invite someone from my course who I only sort of know to the one day every few months I get to see my home friends?
Is it as crazy as I think for her to expect me to invite her along just because it’s something Sherlock-themed? Please help!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I feel like she’s victimizing herself way too much, especially after being told the circumstances. I understand you might feel left out when you see a friend doing smth you really like/wanted to do too, but she’s gotta understand not everything revolves around her.
I don’t know if your other friends were visible in the pictures, but if they were, just imagining her seeing those ppl she’s never seen in her life and still be mad seems irrational to me. It would be obvious you were out with a group that’s got nothing to do with her.
Instead of getting mad she could’ve also just proposed you guys also go there at some point or be more mature, as you’d expect from a 20 yo, and not give you the silent treatment over such a small thing. Anyway, I think it’s good this happened to some extent as having ppl who love to victimize themselves over anything and everything is such a hassle.” Mundane_Loss1734
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have the right to spend time with your friends from your hometown and keep these friendships alive and separate from newer friendships, so you did nothing wrong. That being said, your post makes me think about Mary. We all form perceptions of relationships in our minds, and it may be that Mary took your common interest in Sherlock Holmes to be a closer connection to her than it is to you.
We never know how our actions are going to land with others, and we never really know what is going on in other people’s lives; she might have really felt excluded and hurt. Again, you can’t read minds and did nothing wrong, but going forward, if you want to have good, friendly relations with Mary, you might want to talk to her about her reaction.” Trackless
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were hanging out with your home friends – who you barely get to see – which is reasonable regardless of her love for Sherlock Holmes or not. Also, you’re not obligated to invite people just because they have an interest or passion.
Sometimes, you want one-on-one with someone; other times you want to hang out in a group, etc, etc. Most of the time, it’s not personal. For example, a good friend of mine was at this new bookstore, wine bar, and coffee shop. Sure, I was like ‘I really wanted to go’ and I gushed about it with her.
But her sister was visiting her. It’s not a big deal. If she didn’t act so off, I would have said No jerks here because, maybe, she thought you were closer and felt excluded. I recall thinking I was much closer to a colleague and it turned out they only saw me as a work friend.
It can bite, but I wasn’t acting off with them. I kept it polite, friendly, and professional. Who knows what will happen in the future? If you feel comfortable, maybe have a conversation with her to check in.” AVeryBrownGirlNerd
9. AITJ For Calling The Cops On My Neighbor's Partner Who Blocked My Driveway?
“I moved in with my partner a year ago. We live in a duplex. Our immediate neighbors have the larger driveway with two spots, and we have only one. The two are connected as one, which makes our spot a very tight squeeze.
Recently one of our neighbours has had their partner staying with them most nights during the week.
However, he drives a large truck and has taken to parking directly outside of our home and cutting off some of the entry to our driveway, making it difficult for me to park my car in the already tight spot.
I have left a note hoping he could just pull up further onto the street (there is lots of room to move up).
The note read “hello would you mind pulling up some, it’s becoming difficult to park in my driveway:)”. But this seemed to tick him off as I came home last night to him blocking most of my driveway, making parking impossible without hitting his or the neighbors’ vehicle.
I’m unable to speak with him directly as I work nights and he is gone when I wake up for work.
This is where I might be a jerk. I had a particularly annoying day at work and came home to this issue, so I decided to call the cops to have them deal with the situation.
My street is a one-way street, with the immediate front of my home being only 3-hour parking. He received a ticket and had choice words for my partner in the morning about it.
My partner thinks I’m the jerk, as I could’ve just parked on a side street for the night and dealt with it a different way.
I disagree, as I already tried to deal with it a different way, and nothing good came of it. I am the only one with a car at the moment, so I don’t think he quite understands the frustration.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“There are two jerks in this story – neither one is you. The first jerk is definitely the guy who tried to bully you. The second and bigger jerk is your partner. He didn’t try to speak to the other guy when your car got blocked. As the tenant, it’s his job to keep the driveway open.
Secondly, when the other guy cussed you, this guy mutely took it and came at you. He has shown you what he would do in a crisis. Do with this information what you will. But understand that he’ll never take a stand for you and never have got back.
If ever you are in a crisis, he might go out of his way to stand against you.” ProfileElectronic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And keep calling & getting him ticketed & possibly towed. He is the jerk here. You are entitled to your parking spot.
He is not entitled to block it. Now, how your partner feels. He is the one who is home when this guy is around, so he is the one who has to deal with the fallout. I’ve been in his shoes & it sucks. It’s one of the reasons I left my husband.
I’m not saying you’re wrong. Because you’re 100% right, I just wanted you to be aware of the position it puts him in.” NOTTHATKAREN1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your partner is SUS(pect). YOU WORK NIGHTS. Your partner wants you to assume an extra risk of parking on a sidestreet and walking to your car at night, in the dark, to start your shift. Then he wants you to park further away when you are exhausted at the end of your shift, just so that he can avoid dealing with a man driving a big truck.
What “different way” does your partner think you should deal with it? You already tried the polite note asking “would you mind….” and stating the problem he causes, and the result was that Truck Boi responded by blocking your entire driveway. Did your partner try going out to talk to him when he parked there?
Is your partner gonna escort you to your car on the sidestreet while it’s dark and nasty and you’re leaving for work? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess “no” and “no”. I don’t think he needs to have a car to understand not wanting to have to add a hike at the beginning and end of a long workday, and he ought to understand that women rightly want to avoid side streets at night.
Calling the cops was not a jerk move, but a guy who responds to a polite note by escalating is likely to be a jerk. I suggest security cameras that show your driveway and front and back door.” Constant_Host_3212
8. AITJ For Wanting To End Indoor Smoking After Moving In Together?
“I (25, m) moved together with my partner (27) after seeing each other for over a year.
He has been a smoker for many years already, and he was smoking in his own apartment that he had when I met him already. I must say it has never been a problem for me, and I always accepted that because I viewed it as part of his identity and didn’t want him to feel like he had to change in his own four walls.
While planning to move together, he obviously asked me if he could continue smoking inside. After doing it for years, he just couldn’t imagine something else and, due to my love for him, I allowed him to continue smoking inside. Because of this, we picked an apartment without a balcony since he wouldn’t need it, and it was much cheaper.
Now, after a few weeks, I’ve started to regret my decision. There’s such a difference between permanently living in a smoker household and just visiting a few times a week for a few hours. During those visits, it really never bothered me, but now it’s suddenly starting to bother me.
Even though I’m a non-smoker, the health aspect isn’t what bothers me the most; it’s more about the smell that my clothes and pretty much everything I own have now. I definitely underestimated the situation. Previously, when visiting him, it was just a few clothes of mine that had the smell of smoke, but it faded after a few hours or days when I got home.
I told him about my feelings and asked him if he might smoke outside or at a window from now on, but he got mad and said no, since I had previously allowed him to smoke inside and that was what we agreed on when choosing this apartment.
I understand his point of view, but I wish he also understood mine. I love him, and I don’t want such a basic topic to tear us apart.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. He asked you in the planning stage, but you didn’t really understand what you were getting into.
It’s understandable that he’s put out as he could have chosen to move in with you or not under a “no smoking inside rule,” but now he is stuck and facing a more difficult choice. You didn’t realize the realities of living with a smoker, and when they hit you, it’s understandable for you to have second thoughts.
As a compromise for the moment, perhaps you could get one (or more) of those air purifiers that remove odors (one that sends out negative ions into the air would be best). Could he restrict smoking to one room? Long-term, you may have to make a more difficult choice (and you really should factor in second-hand smoke’s impact on your health too).” kurokomainu
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – I understand if he is frustrated because he might have wanted to have a balcony then, but you have the right to change your mind, especially about this. Smoking is so invasive of YOUR personal space. The smoke goes everywhere, and the smell gets into clothes and stays.
You will reek of smoke forever, and no laundry detergent will put an end to it. Sorry to be a bit dramatic, but I find the smoke smell awful, and I am a former smoker. I just always made sure never to smoke inside. Also, it might stain your walls.” Hyrawk
Another User Comments:
“It’s okay to change your mind. Just understand that it may also change your living situation. He agreed to move in under a condition, one you didn’t fully understand and no longer want. He might not want to live together if that condition changes.
And you might not want to live with him if that condition doesn’t change. No one is in the wrong here. Just be honest, and communicate your feelings. You may need to look for a new place together that has a balcony. Or you may need to just live separately.
Fair warning though. This is a smell you’ll be dealing with the entire time you’re with him. And it’s an addiction that’s hard to quit. You may need to learn to accept it if you really want to be with him. No jerks here.” Ursabearitone
7. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit My Lying, Disruptive Cousin Even Though It Helps My Family?
“My (15 y.o.) Aunt Cassandra (48 y.o.) has a son named Tristan (12 y.o.) who is a nightmare to be around.
Mom started asking me to babysit him so Aunt Cassandra could pick up some extra work. Tristan lies to Aunt Cassandra about me because he knows that she’ll buy him a present to “make it up to him.”
I was babysitting him on Friday and he had a screaming fit because I refused to give him his phone until he did his homework (Cassandra’s instructions).
Because he lied that I had friends over and destroyed the house the last time, I recorded everything to prove my innocence.
I showed it to Aunt Cassandra and she still blamed me, saying Tristan doesn’t like being recorded and that’s the only reason he was acting out!
I have told Mom numerous times that I don’t want to babysit Tristan because he lies and I get punished for it. Mom has basically just made excuses that kids his age are like that, and I babysit other kids, so this shouldn’t be a problem.
I showed my mom the video and explained everything that happened on Friday, but she’s still saying that Aunt Cassandra needs the help because the money from working extra is a huge help and I can do this for my family because she needs a dependable babysitter.
We just got into an argument because she asked me to babysit Tristan again this Friday and I told her no because this kid is a lying little brat. I added that maybe refusing to discipline him is the real reason Cassandra can’t keep a babysitter on board and she should try babysitting him to see what it’s like.
I’m currently grounded. But this has been going on since summer and my patience is out. AITJ? For finally having enough and refusing to babysit Tristan? Even though the extra money Aunt Cassandra brings in really helps her family?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – What the heck are you doing babysitting someone three years younger than you?
I was taking care of multiple kids under 5 when I was 12, he can look after himself… “Kids his age are like that”? No, the heck they aren’t. I wouldn’t put up with lying and violent tantrums from kindergartners, let alone from someone who is actually old enough to stand trial for crimes (at least here in Canada).
Stay grounded, just don’t go back to that house. Do you have a school counselor you can talk to? The adults in your life are being completely unreasonable and I think you need another adult to get involved.” every1remaincalm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A 12-year-old shouldn’t need a babysitter.
The only ones that do are the ones that are obviously nightmares, like your cousin. Here is what’s actually happening: 1. Your aunt knows her son is a nightmare and therefore needs a babysitter. 2. She knows she can’t afford one, so she is using you because you’re free labor.
3. Your mom is aware of 1 & 2 and sympathizes with your aunt, so she is fine giving you up as free labor. 4. Because they want you to keep babysitting, they are gaslighting you to try to convince you that you’re the problem, not your cousin, so they don’t have to deal with the consequences of accepting that there is a problem.
To the extent that you can resist this arrangement, you should, but you’re a 15-year-old living at home, so your options are limited. Do you have other adult relatives you could maybe appeal to? Could you negotiate so that your mom has to come along to babysit, or Tristan needs to be dropped off at your house while she’s there?
Even if you are forced to continue this situation, you should know in your heart that you’re right.” algunarubia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should not have to babysit if you have no authority. Your Aunt won’t let you have any authority, so tell her no. Your mom can babysit.
Then she can see what happens, and hear his lies to his mom. Next time, have something to do after school. A group project to work on. A special meeting. Anything. If you do end up babysitting, do nothing. He doesn’t want to do his homework, fine.
Mom can supervise later. He trashed the house, fine. You are going to get in trouble anyway. Just keep him from offing anyone, or burning the house down. If his mom ever taught that child right from wrong, or imposed any discipline, maybe he wouldn’t be such a brat.” Fickle_Toe1724
6. AITJ For Taking A Break While My Partner Brings Home Another Dog?
“My partner (30nb, they/he) and I (32m) have been together almost 10 years.
We have a kid who’s almost 10 and a 4-year-old dog.
My partner is disabled so struggles to work and had multiple breakdowns the last time they had a stable job. They currently do freelance work and also have a career goal that is currently expensive and most likely costing us money.
We bought a house when we thought my partner could still work. Multiple things in the house need work, some sooner rather than later, but we haven’t been able to do any of it.
We’re behind or struggling with most of our bills.
I have a steady, decently well-paying job where I work from home.
(I’m terrified that’s going to change with the upcoming political situation, but nothing’s confirmed.)
Our dog is one that they brought home as a “surprise” to me after we had to give up the dog that I loved.
We lost that dog; he got into a fight with a neighbor’s dog that I tried to help break up.
Both dogs were hurt, and so was the owner of the other dog. My partner knows that I’m not over that, have flashbacks still, and have never wanted to have two dogs in the house since.
This is something they did “for me” despite me telling them at the time that I didn’t want another dog, and certainly didn’t want a certain type of dog.
She is all of the things I didn’t want. She has health issues that mean she has to be on a prescription diet that’s incredibly expensive, and we haven’t been able to follow up on her problems because of how expensive the vet is.
Until I made it A Problem, I was doing most of the work to care for her.
She’s still not getting the care I think she needs (brushing, nail trims) regularly.
We both have mental health problems, trauma, etc. They’re getting therapy and medication, and support me doing the same, but I can’t bring myself to justify the expense.
They’ve recently lost a lot, and they have had multiple breakdowns.
It’s also a really bad time of year for them.
Now, for what’s got me posting: They’re bringing home another dog today. It’s some kind of small dog. I’ve been shutting down or dissociating when they talk about it so I don’t have a lot of details.
I’ve told them I don’t want this dog; I’ve told them why. I even tried telling them what I needed in order to feel ok about us getting another dog. This all led to the breakdowns I mentioned before, and some help with our current dog.
Ultimately, I knew that a dog was happening if I wanted it or not, and it was just going to come down to how many people in their family and our friends hated me before then. Everyone keeps talking about how they should have another dog and how great it would be.
Apparently, even their counselor said getting this dog would be therapeutic.
So I’m thinking about leaving for a few days to stay somewhere else while they introduce the two dogs. It would just be them needing to take care of the two dogs—but that will probably be really physically tough on them.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honey, does your partner often railroad you and refuse to consider your needs? Because if this is a pattern and not very strictly limited to the dogs, I think you need to have a long hard think about whether the treatment you receive in your relationship is healthy and tenable for you.
I’m obviously having to read between the lines a bit here, but it sounds like the things you need take second place to the things your partner wants, and the dog is only the most obvious, acutely painful example of that behavior. I know that when you’re in a long-term relationship, it can get hard to keep advocating for your needs, and forget about wants.
Especially when your partner has a mental illness and you’ve got a kid. I haven’t got a kid, but my husband’s severe depression and his depression-induced refusal to effectively treat his depression came very, very close to ending our marriage. My physical needs got met (I’m pretty severely disabled, so that was no small thing), but any other needs got short shrift, and I hit a point where I told him that either he needed to do the work to manage his depression so that my other needs could start being met or I was going to have to leave him.
You can’t let yourself get caught in sunk cost fallacy or wishful thinking. Consider how your needs are being considered (or not) and met (or not) and ask yourself if you just started going out and you knew that the way those things are happening (or not) today is how this new person would treat you, would you go on a second date?” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you should go enjoy a few days’ break regardless of the animal situation… I do love a nice hotel room and there’s nothing wrong with taking some alone time. On the dog issue… I’m one of the ‘when you adopt an animal it’s a lifelong commitment’… Unless that animal is a detriment to the family, dangerous, etc. If you are struggling financially… you should not have to support more mouths to feed. If you are struggling with having dogs in the house… you should not have them.
If you have a partner who (for whatever reason) can’t or won’t listen to your needs… take those days in the hotel to think about what you’d like to address in your relationship and be your own advocate. Good luck… you deserve to be in a relationship that works for you both.” RuReddy4thisJelly
Another User Comments:
“I’m so sorry. That is so unfair to you. Do they truly know how bad the budget already is? Or are they burying their head in the sand? You shouldn’t have another pet when you are struggling so much. Heck, you should probably give up the first too.
Is it from a pet store, friend, or adoption place? If from the adoption place, call and block them from getting a pet. Say you don’t have the money for your current pet’s vet fees. Call ALL the places and block them. Next, tighten up the budget.
‘Sorry, we can’t pay for your career goal anymore. Pet #1 food bill takes away from that. YOUR freelance job has to cover any extra things you want.’ Start learning to say no and budget better with them. Cut out ALL the extras. Call up that therapist and ask if you can come to one appointment with them.
Bring your list of couple goals. No more pets is #1. I’m sorry that life is so stressful. Start taking better care of your mental health too. Don’t keep giving all of yourself until there is none left.” Trick_Delivery4609
5. AITJ For Refusing To Pay Bills Until My Mom Quits Smoking?
“I (17F) and my mom’s relationship has been deteriorating. I have recently been interviewing for work. As a result of this, my mom has been telling me I’ll have to pay the water and phone bill for my phone. I told her I’d rather she just cancel my phone, as I mostly use wifi anyway, and she didn’t seem to appreciate the answer very much.
I know I seem like a total jerk for this, but I honestly would be open to paying the bills if she stopped smoking. She spends 500 bucks a month on smokes (as a household, we spend $1000). It’s insane to me; she complains about bills while sitting there literally burning money between her fingers.
I told her I’d pay when I’m 18, but not before unless she stops smoking, but she told me, “That’s not how this works.” It doesn’t help that I literally live off of rice and beans (free from my school) while she splurges every day at Taco Bell and other fast food places.
She seems determined to see the money, but I’m not standing down. Am I really wrong for refusing?”
Another User Comments:
“A teenager paying for their own phone bill is completely appropriate and normal. A teenager (minor) being forced to pay for basic household bills like water is completely inappropriate and not okay.
I’m not sure what country you’re in, but in the US, your parent or guardian is legally required to provide those basics to you until you turn 18. Is there another adult or family member you can talk to about this? You may want to think about a plan to leave when you turn 18, as I imagine she will immediately start charging you rent anyway.
NTJ.” bokatan778
Another User Comments:
“I agree with the already mentioned plan for leaving. Your mom doesn’t sound like she is really listening to you. You working at 17 means it’s your money. Save every penny. Don’t tell anyone how much you have, ever, and don’t let anyone be on your bank account.
Some banks have low-cost/no-cost accounts. Use one and plan what to do when your schooling ends. You will find it’s expensive to leave home. But not being responsible for your mother’s bills is nice. Good luck. Sorry you live in a smoke-filled home.” Imaginary-Brick-2894
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all, if you care about your mom, try to enjoy her presence now, because $500 a month on smokes is a death sentence that’s trying to hurry up. Second of all, if you’re smoking the other $500 a month, QUIT. The money alone should be a good reason, but also you’re gonna smell like a trash incinerator (and be too used to it to detect the smell yourself) and your lungs are going to look like ruined vacuum cleaner bags before you’re 21.
Third, be prepared to move out ASAP if you can. This sounds like co-dependent doom. Get a job, move out, and help your mother remotely without going broke in the process.” Borstor
4. AITJ For Telling My Fiancée's Friends To Stay Away?
“On December 1st my fiancée’s friend, (I don’t know which one) hosted a holiday get-together that I immediately did not want to go to but kept it to myself because I know how much my fiancée loves her friends. I do not have a problem with her friends; it’s their partners that annoy me.
For background, each of them has tried to connect with me or befriend me over the years, and each time I’ve shot them down as bluntly as possible. I have my own group of friends and I don’t want more. I smile and keep everything surface-level in person because I know my fiancée loves get-togethers.
On the first night we all met, we all exchanged numbers. And once they each tried to text me or call me, I blocked them. They added me on Snapchat and added me to their group chat; I again blocked all of them and left the group chat.
They added me to a group chat on Instagram, again blocked them all, and left the group chat. Twitter/X, blocked. Social media, blocked. Emails, blocked. Even on Reddit, they’re all blocked. They invite me to their “boys nights” through my fiancée, stern “heck no” every time.
So at the get-together, the 8 of us (me + 7 partners) are sat in the living room while the ladies cooked and talked. They were in their own conversation about the election and football and whatever, and I was just smiling and nodding. One of them made a joke about me being quiet; I tried to laugh it off, but he kept pressing it, so I left and hid in the bathroom until the food was ready.
During the dinner, the partners kept digging into me as usual, trying to get me to open up, asking me about my work and hobbies and my proposal story and wedding plans. I gave the same surface-level answers as always, but for some reason, they weren’t having it, and then everyone except my fiancée started yelling at me for some reason, saying that I’m such a “jerk” and “what’s wrong with me” and that I act like “I’m better than them.”
So I obviously yelled back at them; the SparkNotes version is:
I don’t know them and don’t want to get to know them. Leave me the heck alone, I don’t know any of your names, I don’t care to know your names. Friends-in-law isn’t a thing, and just because our partners are friends doesn’t make us friends.
Using my forearm to make a line. This is the line. Stop trying to cross the line, stop approaching the line, back the heck away from the line. Everyone, stay arm’s length away from me.
Then I threw the car keys on the table and took a Lyft home.
When my fiancée came home the following morning, she looked like she had been crying. I’ve never seen my fiancée so angry, disappointed, and sad. I tried apologizing to her, but she called her dad to help get her stuff from our place, and I have no clue where she’s staying.
My calls go to voicemail, my texts are delivered. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Yes, you are absolutely a giant jerk. You didn’t even make an effort to get to know these people, but they felt it was important to make you feel included and seen.
It’s clear these people are important to your fiancée and you were a giant jerk to them. Like, you aren’t even a decent human being. Imagine if your fiancée treated your friends that way? Don’t be surprised if your fiancée breaks off the engagement after this.
You have extremely concerning antisocial behavior and you need therapy.” Sudden_Scheme4211
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, hugely. And I don’t know why you are calling her or texting her now. By your own logic, you should be getting the message based on her behavior and leaving her alone now.
Clearly, you have MAJOR issues with basic social skills, but that’s still nowhere near as bad as your complete unwillingness to show even a modicum of respect for your (hopefully ex) fiancée or her friends. You have known them for years but didn’t even know who was hosting the party?
And hate to break it to you, but some real friends ARE like family, and they are in fact pretty much the equivalent of in-laws. But I suspect that your “friendships” are much more transactional and shallow, so it makes sense that you wouldn’t recognize that.” Material-Profit5923
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. How old are you? Because relationships based only around “we enjoy the exact same hobbies” are for children. Whether they’re friendships or romantic relationships or what have you. I mean, when you go to your own extended family’s events, is everyone into Yeat and DND?
What about your workplace? How do you get along with literally anyone else in the world? You keep rejecting their invitations because you don’t like “local music”? My dude, “local music” isn’t a genre unless you live in Seattle in 1992. And going to see a band with them doesn’t have to be about the band.
You don’t like sporting events? ANY sporting events? You don’t like, I don’t know, hot dogs or t-shirt cannons? Spicy food? As far as I know, most restaurants, even ones with cuisines that can be spicy, have other food as well. And have you ever offered your own activities?
“Hey, I’m not into baseball, but this bar near me hosts a cool game night; want to check it out?” If that’s too much effort, you could try, as many adults do, just having a good conversation with them at these group events.
“It’s been pretty rainy lately.” “I, too, grew up with a dog.” “How many holes does a straw have?” Who knows, you might even find something you like about one of these people. At the very least, you won’t be loudly projecting “I hate you all” to a group of people who have made every effort to get to know you and be kind to you.” RLRicki
3. AITJ For Holding A Grudge Against A Relative Who Took My Charity Toys?
“I have various family members visiting with their kids around the year.
They bring their kids, and as the “fun uncle,” I take them around town and see the sights and parks.
This time I had a pile of new toys that I had been saving to give to a charity, and this relative “Heather” asked me why I had so many.
I explained the situation and that I was giving them in remembrance of my mum, since she loved kids. Heather then mentioned that her very young granddaughters might appreciate a couple of the toys too.
I just looked at her and said no. It’s not that I don’t give the kids in the family presents, but these were not for them.
We didn’t discuss it again.
The following day, Heather left to go back home whilst I was at work. When I returned, I was told by family that she had asked them if she could take a couple of the toys. Now, Heather is quite forceful, and the other family member was a bit cowed and kind of just mentioned maybe she should wait for me to get home.
Heather overrode their objections, took the toys, and left.
I was obviously mad when I got home to that news and rang her straight away. She claimed that the charity (it’s a children’s hospice) wouldn’t miss a couple of toys, and it was too late now as her granddaughters had already opened them and loved them.
Heather said it sounded like I was calling her a thief, and she didn’t appreciate that, and now I had spoilt the joy she would have at seeing the little ones playing with them because of my implication that she had stolen them. I was so furious that I slammed the phone down and didn’t speak to her again for around 4 months.
Now, during that time, she would ring and my other relatives would answer the call and chide me for not forgiving Heather. When I finally did talk to her, she said she would no longer allow herself to feel guilty for what she had done, and I could not sit in judgment over her and make her feel bad.
Now I know she’s a complete and utter jerk for what she did, but my family is telling me to drop it as it’s been months and I’m causing an unnecessary fuss.
I have decided to be civil since she’s ill, but I really can’t forgive her for not only taking those toys but also not being able to feel like I can trust her in my home if she ever visits again.
So, am I the jerk for still being a judgemental jerk and not truly forgiving her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! 1) She asked — you said ‘no’ as the toys were for charity. 2) She took them when you were not home, so you would not know she was stealing them.
3) So what if the next time she ‘visits’ she sees shoes that you bought for yourself or another family member and decides those new shoes would be perfect for her husband, cousin, or oldest grandchild, so she takes the shoes without asking. Ask your relatives who say you should drop it if they will be allowing her to visit their home and take whatever items she ‘can’t do without’ or ‘my daughter can use this much more’ than the owner-relative, so she just takes their item(s).
Terrible relative.” CatnipHigh766
Another User Comments:
“Family email: Dear all, I am writing to ask you to pray for Aunt Heather. Recently, she came to a point in her life where she knowingly STOLE TOYS FROM DYING CHILDREN. I’m not sure what circumstances led her to the place where she saw toys being donated to a children’s hospital, and felt her need for those toys was greater than toddlers dying from cancer, but CLEARLY, something devastating is going on beyond the scenes there.
So I ask you to keep her in your prayers. Also, if anyone wants to join me in trying to repurchase the stolen toys so the children don’t lose out, just let me know. I’m sure Heather would be grateful to anyone who can help me lessen the impact of her actions.
With love, OP.” Corpsefeet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your aunt felt her grandkids deserved the toys more than unknown children. I think your family is right that you shouldn’t make a fuss about it anymore, but I would avoid contact with the aunt as much as possible.
You know now (if you didn’t before) that she can’t be trusted. Relatives like that you can treat politely but you don’t let them get close enough to violate your boundaries, steal, etc. If possible, keep things you don’t want this person to know about in a closet or someplace she can’t access.
It is very sad this woman didn’t respect your wishes and just took something you told her she couldn’t have. I hope you don’t have too many relatives like that.” Why_Teach
2. AITJ For Giving Mom An Ultimatum Over Childcare?
“I have an 18-month-old child. When I went back to work, my parents and in-laws agreed to help out with childcare, and so a schedule was agreed with all involved parties that fit around their jobs/lifestyle. Now my mom keeps calling the night before due to having my 18-month-old, saying she’s feeling unwell and doesn’t feel up to having her; however, she seems completely fine according to my sister who still lives at home.
She’s done this for the last 5 weeks. I’ve managed to scrabble together alternative arrangements. Unfortunately, as it is my busy period at work, I am unable to take time off, as is my partner.
I finally cracked this week and said to her, “We can’t keep having this every week.
If you’re not up to it, you need to tell me so I can make other permanent arrangements.” My 18-month-old is starting nursery once a week soon and can try and get them in on her other day. I’m now being yelled at, saying I’m being unfair to my mom.
Am I the jerk for pointing out the truth and giving her an ultimatum, or should I have just let her carry on?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not insisting she has her, but encouraging her to be transparent so you can make other arrangements.
It’s inconvenient for her to back out at short notice when you have work. She’s done this for over a month. You should make other arrangements. If she asks why, explain that she’s been unreliable the last few weeks and you needed a more long-term solution.
Tell her if she feels she can commit to childcare, then you’re happy to go ahead; otherwise, you’ll be moving forward with the alternative. There’s nothing wrong with her not being willing to help. Your pregnancy wasn’t contingent on her care, I’m assuming; she just needs to be upfront.” seaclifftonne
Another User Comments:
“What’s the ultimatum? What have you threatened? Loss of access to you all? Loss of relationship with your child? If you have threatened that, then you would be the jerk. Or do you mean you cracked the craps and said “This isn’t working out, pony up and do what you promised or I will find alternative care” and left it at that?
Because that’s not an ultimatum. This is NTJ land; this is frustrated parent land (and rightly so). My vote (in case people haven’t realized) is NTJ because I am going to assume you haven’t threatened the nuclear option of no contact.” Particular-Try5584
Another User Comments:
“I have never known what it’s like to have family on either side help, so it’s a foreign subject to me. But I have known many who rely on parents. Parents who age, have strokes, heart attacks – I’ve known two where the grandparent was found dead with a young grandkid roaming around a dead body.
Grandparents sometimes age and realize they can’t do it anymore, but maybe don’t want to admit it. And then the parents of the young kids who rely on those parents are scrambling. You should always have a paid, backup babysitter because our parents age and sometimes can’t do it anymore.
Arthritis makes diapers difficult for them too. NTJ, and I hope your mom admits to you what’s going on, even if it’s just that she wants to go out with her friends and play cards or see a movie.” Educational_Word5775
1. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For Professional Hair Styling?
“I (27f) am a bridesmaid in my friend’s upcoming wedding (less than a week away).
This wedding is very small and a budget wedding (not judging, it’s not my day—I’m just painting a picture). The bride has 6 bridesmaids; we have pretty much paid for everything ourselves. The bride has contributed $100 towards our dresses and paid for any alterations required, but we have paid the rest. Shoes, bags, jewelry, etc., have all been funded by myself (and yes, there was a requirement for color/style).
We are all doing our own makeup for the day, and up until recently, I assumed our own hair too. The bride would like soft curls, which I am very capable of doing. I recently found out that the bride has booked us in for our hair to be done professionally on the day, and that we are expected to pay for it.
It’s going to cost us each $150 for soft curls.
Another bridesmaid, who is currently unemployed, contacted her about not getting her hair done and doing it herself (again, very capable of doing soft curls and did her own wedding hair) as she does not have $150 spare right now around Christmas time.
The bride’s response to this was that “Getting your hair done is non-negotiable.”
I am of the belief that if I am paying for it, it is absolutely negotiable. This has now caused a bit of tension right before the wedding because a few of us really don’t want to pay the money and are a little peeved that it was booked and decided before asking us if we even wanted it.
Also, considering what we have already paid for this wedding. The bride is insisting, and we are trying to negotiate ways around it beyond just flat-out refusing, but it’s not going great.
A few people I have spoken to have been shocked that we bridesmaids have been made to pay for anything wedding-related at all.
And some others have said that I agreed to all of this when I agreed to be a bridesmaid (wasn’t actually asked, but that’s another story). I’ve never been in a bridal party, so I don’t actually know what’s “normal,” I guess. So, WIBTJ if I refused to pay for and get my hair done on the day?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If a bride has a specific vision and requirements, she should be paying for it. It’s normal for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses, but not the accessories if they have to be specific. It’s not normal for a bride to require a hair or makeup appointment and make the maids pay for it.
At all. I’m a bride with a wedding coming up, and I’m offering to pay for hair and makeup for my maids if they want it done, but also allowing them to do it themselves if they feel comfortable enough to have it the way I am asking (up in low bun if they have long hair, or styled neatly for those who have short hair).
I did talk to those who have brightly colored hair, and they are willing to have their color refreshed the week before the wedding and said they would pay for it themselves. I am gifting them necklaces, but their shoes are whatever they want (within the color scheme), and they are paying for them.
I don’t even care if they’ve already been worn (their dresses are floor-length). I want my girls to be comfortable, especially since my MOH just told me she’s pregnant and due the month after my wedding. You’re not being unreasonable. You can style your hair well, and some people honestly can’t afford $150.
That’s ridiculous. You say this is a budget bride, but she isn’t. Budget brides don’t make anyone else pay outlandish fees like this for their wedding.” gingerlady9
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This has been posted many times, but I’ve not seen anyone post why the bride makes the bridesmaid pay for the professional hairstylist. It’s especially funny when it’s someone who barely knows the bride, like a distant relative or a friend of a friend.
It’s because there is typically free hairstyling for the bride if she books x amount of bridesmaids. So often these brides rope someone in to meet the minimum requirement to get her hair done for free. She demands you pay for your hair because it likely pays for hers.
I would suggest you tell the bride that you have some concerns and you want to make sure that if the stylist damages your hair, that the contract does not have a liability waiver and the stylist is insured. So if the contract covers the cost breakdown, you can see how you are paying for her hair.
She may refuse to show you the contract or say there isn’t one, which gives you an out—no contract, then don’t pay. Of course it may not be price structured like this, but if you know the stylist, you can pretend to be a customer and investigate for yourself.
Weddings are scams! Just like diamonds and timeshares. It’s a market designed to prey on insecurities and exploit the chaos. Unless your family is loaded, respect your friends and family and keep it simple; invest into your future, not a single day that you will forget and feel like a fraud for living beyond your means.” Iamakahige
Another User Comments:
“Ordering an unemployed bridesmaid to pay $150 for a hair stylist, when she did her hair herself at her own wedding, is crass. You guys need to stop negotiating and simply tell her that you will not be paying to get your hair done.
End of story. You can do your own or let the stylist of her choosing do it, at her cost. The choice is entirely hers, but these are the options. Generally speaking, life will be easier if you realize you have agency. She can book without your consent (that’s crap, but you can’t stop her), but she can’t make you pay.
NTJ. Don’t cave, as that would just make things harder for those who can’t afford it, like the one who doesn’t have a job. The right thing to do is to refuse. That’s you being a good friend to the unemployed bridesmaid.” No_regrats
