People Need Conclusions On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Being Annoyed My Partner's Best Friend Is Around All The TIme?
“My fiancé and I have been together 7 years. Him, his best friend, and I all met in first grade. They have been best friends ever since, while my fiancé and I were friendly to each other all those years but weren’t really close friends until high school.
His best friend is super nice, but when I’m around he doesn’t really talk to me at all and doesn’t really talk about important things around me.
Despite being around them for almost 20 years, I get it, they’re best friends, and that’s guy talk I guess. That’s basically our relationship.
While they usually hang out fairly often which I don’t mind (I want my fiancé to hang out with his friends), whenever his best friend is single, the best friend asks to hang out CONSTANTLY.
Like every Friday – Sunday for months. This has been going on the last 7 years on and off. During the week, I live 1.5 hours away for school, and I come Friday to see my fiancé for the weekend. This gets super annoying when I come home and every weekend I have to see his best friend.
Sometimes coming home from a hard week at law school/work I just want to have some alone time with my fiancé. I don’t want to exclude him from seeing his friend but I cannot stand another round of this for the next few months, it’s already been two months… I try to let them hang out on their own sometimes these weekends (1.
so they can talk about what they need to 2. because if not, I am always bored because I’m pretty much get ignored for hours as they talk/game). Even this is annoying, obviously because I’m sacrificing my time with my fiancé and because on those days my fiancé works when they’re going to hang out around his bf’s schedule, not mine (e.g., if I have a busy saturday and we planned to hang at night and then his bf calls and wants to hang out that night, I get asked if we can hang out in the afternoon instead).
I appreciate that my fiancé still tries to make time for me and not exclude me entirely from the day but it still feels crappy that our plans that get made first get moved for his best friend’s last minute request.
They’re hanging out also constantly leaves me home alone for 6-7 hours at a time in the middle of the night, and my fiancé’s apartment is one in a neighborhood I’m not really familiar with, with neighbors far apart and as a petite girl kind of makes me unsettled.
I finally said something to my fiancé last night to the effect of that I appreciate him being a good friend and trying his best to accommodate us both, but I really can’t deal with having to spend some much needed alone time with him, with his best friend anymore. It’s been 7 years. He got annoyed because he was trying his best to make me happy and I was coming off not appreciative.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Sounds like a super frustrating situation to be in. Being together for so long it sounds like you a have a pretty good relationship. Sounds to me like his BFF has a lot of codependency issues and your fiancé needs to learn to set some boundaries. That being said, maybe try and set some with your fiancé as well.
Sounds like it will be hard to do with the mindset he’s in, but this situation is obviously hard on you and perhaps because you’re just now mentioning it he didn’t realize what a stressor it’s been for you.
I don’t want to sound like all those people that instantly say to end the relationship and there are red flags because it sounds like for the most part you guys are fine.
However if after repeated attempts to communicate and compromise, things don’t change, reevaluate your situation. If this BFF has been around as long as he has, he’s probably not going anywhere. If your fiancé can’t compromise, then eventually decide if it’s something you can live with long term.” lace_dsc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should talk to him about this and set some boundaries before you get married. If this has been going on your entire relationship, it’s something to think about.
I know you love this person and feel like they’re trying to make you happy, but it seems like their best friend comes first.
I had a similar experience in a previous relationship. He had 2 best friends who were ALWAYS around. There was hardly a moment when I would get alone time with him except when we would sleep.
Sometimes when I would tell him about it he would stop having them over every single day for a while but then it would start again. I remember him wanting to move to the same apartment building as one of his best friends (who was my then partner’s sister) and I told him no way that’s where I draw the line.
His friend was upset at me but I didn’t care, I told them I had enough of the constant visits and never having time alone with him. The relationship didn’t last much longer after that.” r******************0
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s inappropriate to put others ahead of your spouse. When he asks you to hang out in the afternoon and breaks plans with you for his friend, he is clearly telling you that you are second place to him.
It shouldn’t even be a question of who comes first- it should be you.
If you get married, you will still be second. Your children, your house, your needs will forever be less than this man’s friend.
In short- you aren’t his life partner. His friend is his chosen life partner. You need to see a counselor.” Reddit user
17. AITJ For Refusing To Speak With My Mother?
“My mother (55F) and I (25F) have always had a bit of a bumpy relationship, but we’ve always managed to get along, especially when I moved out.
I can’t go into too much detail here as the story would be very obvious.
I was diagnosed with a lifelong condition in early 2019. Basically, I can cope with everyday life with no accommodations made for the condition, but it means I am very tired from the extra effort of coping, and this can then lead to pain, which then leads to panic attacks, I will also often have to cancel plans the day after, can be too wiped to drive, etc. The accommodations are things like quieter events, sometimes me bringing my own food instead of eating standard food, having a quieter room downstairs.
I don’t actually like asking for accommodations as I’ve been “normal” for so long. But this condition explains all the odd physical symptoms I’ve been having since childhood, and also the panic attacks. So I’m trying to ask for them where I can.
We’ve always had quieter family Christmases where we have one day over the holidays for a big family party, but the rest of the days it is immediate family only.
I asked in early December for a few dates where it would just be immediate family in the house so I could arrange one day to see them as I live 2 hours away. My mum immediately said she wouldn’t be able to tell me as family might ‘pop round.’ We ended up having a bit of a row, and I said I wasn’t coming and that she was being a cow.
She texted me on Christmas Eve to state she had made a bed up for me, but again after I asked for a day where it would just be immediate family, this was shut down, because “nothing is different and (I) have always coped.”
I haven’t spoken to her since. I understand Christmas isn’t about me, and our family has grown by about 3 members the past two years, but I just wanted one day of the 2 weeks around Christmas.
Since we haven’t been speaking, I’ve had time to reflect on our relationship and I just feel there is a general lack of consideration of me on her part. The thing that sticks out is that I started having panic attacks when I was 12. She just told me to “stop being a horrible child” and “stop it right now.” I spent 6 years thinking that I was dying until I could go to the doctor myself.
She is a mental health professional and when I’ve brought it up since, she just said “Oh well, they didn’t have panic attacks when I was training. I don’t like seeing you like that.” She didn’t train in the 50s or anything like that.
I just feel like that’s eating away at me too, and I can’t figure out why she would do that – I’m a psychologist, but I’m clearly too close to the situation.
My Dad (57M) is telling me just to talk to her because I will never get her to apologize and he would like to see me next Christmas. My siblings just say it’s the way she is. But I don’t want to just brush it under the carpet. It’s really hurtful and I really dont think I was asking too much.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – health is a priority. Your mum sounds like a piece of work and kind of reminds me of mine. Although I love the lady, it will always be distance that makes the heart grow fonder. My unsolicited advice would be to tell her exactly how you feel, calmly, and give her the chance to apologize like you would like her to.
If it doesn’t work you can still have a great relationship with your dad while keeping your mum at arms length.” astroboots
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This isn’t about preferences; health accommodations aren’t preferences, they are NEEDS. She IS being a cow. Thank you for prioritizing your own needs and your own physical and mental wellbeing.
Family is sometimes the you have the misfortune of being stuck with, and nothing more.” Portwinejustfine
16. AITJ For Telling My Parents About My Little Brother's Friend's Outbursts?
“So my (18f) little brother (let’s call him Don) is 9 years old and will be 10 next month. He has this neighborhood friend (let’s call him Emile) and he is 11 I think. We live in a small neighborhood where it is primarily older people and it is rare to see small children. This is why the two hang out.
I have to be frank — I’m not fond of Emile. And here’s why.
He hits my brother and the family dog. And not in a playful way. Like he actually PUNCHES them. When he is angry after losing in a video game or the friendly pet just licks him too much — BAM he just does it only when the parents or the other siblings are not around.
It is implied that he is SPED and has other issues but it gives him no right to do this to them.
Somedays I feel like his parents tell him to come to our house so they don’t have to deal with him. (And his toddler brother too sometimes– who just runs around and goes into people’s bedrooms).
He has also messed up our XBOX controllers (all three of them — joycons don’t work anymore).
Today was the last straw when they were talking and Emile said, “Remember the time that I jumped on your face? And when I punched (dog’s name) when we walked him?”
After I heard that conversation, I immediately texted my mom and told her about what I just heard.
I did talk to them about my concerns before but they didn’t listen. I hope they listen now so I don’t feel like I’m the only one protecting my brother and dog.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I would get up in the little jerk’s face and tell him in a ferocious tone that if you hear or see him punching your brother or dog, there will be a nightmare to pay.
Also, screw having a toddler dropped on your doorstep. If that happens again, take the toddler’s hand and lead him back home. Tell the parents you can’t watch them. Then turn and go.” c-s-n-l
15. AITJ For Asking My Tenant To Pay Rent?
“I (20m) have been leasing out my room for the past few months due to the fact that I am now on a holiday overseas with my partner. I have a roommate, H (20f).
I posted on an online marketplace about the availability of my room and P(25f) reached out to me saying she was keen and so I drew up a contract (helped by a friend who worked in HR) stating every possible payment and basic tenant/landlored rules.
She paid her deposit and first month’s rent so a trust was built.
The rent for the future month, would be given to my roommate as she would be the one who pays the property’s rent.
P got into a car accident a few days later so she was unable to work, she texted me saying she might be late paying rent so I told her it was okay, keep me posted. A week before I left overseas she then told me that her dad was going to sort it out with me, I told her to give me a call preferably before I leave, but she never got back to me even after I left overseas.
It had been more than a month since P had her rent due so the total she owed has increased. I messaged her plenty of times asking her about rent but she never responded. Don’t get me wrong, I felt sorry for her and I gave her a bit more time to figure things out but again, she never even bothered to read my messages.
I got in contact with my roommate asking how things were with her and H said that P was just out celebrating her friend’s birthday. Which is fine in a way but I felt disrespected.
More time has gone on and I haven’t heard of any progress about the situation from either H or P despite me messaging them.
I got in contact with my mother, who conveniently works as a landlord for several properties. She suggested she can drop in and even pay the rent owed to H so that H isn’t covering 2 people’s rent and sort out whats happening with P. (P.S Mother lives roughly 2 hour drive from the property.) I thought it was very nice of her.
I messaged H asking if she’ll be home the next day and explained that my mother will drop in, give you the rent H hasn’t been paid by P and she would sort things out with P. I told her to not tell P that my mother will be paying a visit, to which H agreed to.
Later in the day, P left me a passive aggressive message saying how she’s relieved that she would be leaving the place soon and there was no need to involve my mother in this. I felt so betrayed by H and angry at both H & P because if P had answered my messages, none of this would be necessary.
As for P, I told her that in confidence but she broke it anyways. H defended herself saying “to be fair, you can’t expect me to sort this out for you,” which I wasn’t, hence why my Mother offered to pay the rest of my rent.
My partner is siding with me because she knows there isn’t much I could do since we’re overseas.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH, except your mother, who I think might’ve been able to spare you a lot of this hassle if you’d discussed this with her before you went on your trip and brought in at the first sign of trouble. She has the knowledge – draw from it next time to save yourself getting drawn into this kind of mess.
P sucks for not bothering to respond to your messages and not paying her obligations when she said she would. does happen, but life and rent carry on regardless.
H sucks for enabling this behaviour on P’s end, but also for not responding to you.
You suck for going overseas and not ensuring your rental obligations were actually taken care of, since someone subletting from you and not paying you is your problem, not H’s, as is the fact that you were going overseas.
It doesn’t matter what arrangements you put into place, if you are subletting your room, and that room isn’t paid for, you are on the hook for it.” ttywzl
Another User Comments:
“Oh god. ESH. Except probably your mom.
Subletter needs to pay rent. Period. Rent comes up in everyone’s lives, but you have to either figure it out or move.
You should have been wiring your roommate the rent every month. It’s still your responsibility to pay and if your subletter doesn’t pay you, you deal with it. You could have sent your mom to deal with the subletter if needed, but she should have never had to bring because your roommate should have never had to front it.” storky0613
14. AITJ For Being Cheap With A Friend?
“A friend from back in high school hit up our old group chat and invited me (21M) and 6 other people to go watch a movie and reunite the ol’ squad.
She (Kelly) was the one scheduling all this, and she suggested we watch the movie in IMAX 4D, which is the top-notch quality you can watch movies in, and is fairly expensive (like $30 for the ticket alone, no snacks).
We all agreed to go out later that night to eat and then go watch the movie.
Now just a side note, I wouldn’t call myself frugal, but I don’t exactly live a very “lavish” lifestyle either.
Anyways, after dinner we went to the theatre and up to the stand to pay for our ticket. Kelly showed me a coupon that said “buy a ticket, get one free!” I told her that was great, and she handed it to me.
As I went to pay for my ticket I asked her to just hand me a 10, and she looked at me like I was crazy and said “uhhhh no? That’s my coupon…” I told her I assumed that she wanted to split the cost for the movie ticket since she handed me that coupon, but in reality, all she wanted was for me to essentially pay for her ticket so she could watch a free movie.
I told her that it was stupid that I pay the whole thing, in fact, all I asked from her was $10, not even half. She still said no and then went on saying “It’s my coupon, it doesn’t effect you in any way. whether I use this coupon or not, you still pay the same amount.”
That was actually a very good point, but at the same time, like come on. I tried to compromise with her, so I said to everyone that we should just watch the movie in the regular theatres, not the premium one, and that way I’d be willing to pay full price while using her coupon for her.
Everyone was ok with it except for kelly, she complained saying that we haven’t seen each other in so long, and she wanted us all to really enjoy the night out in premium seating, not some stingy regular theatre.
People took her side on that one and they all wanted to watch the movie in IMAX 4D.
I said fine, but she could go mooch off someone else using her coupon.
She looked at me, and said, “Fine, you know what. Just forget it- I tried to organize something nice for all of us and you just want to be a cheapskate.”
She left, and after that no one really wanted to watch a movie.
My friend group is divided in two now. Some people agree that it’s stupid for me to have to pay for a whole movie ticket if she is handing ME the coupon, and other’s are saying that it made no difference since it is her coupon, and that I’d be paying the exact same amount, and that I was just being a “cheap” loser.
I understand where both sides are coming from, but I feel really stuck. Like, was I being unreasonable? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Hmmm. I’m going with NTJ. I mean, you did overreact a bit but your question was if YOU were being cheap. Let’s recap. She organized it and then whipped out a coupon that would make her admission free.
Serious eye roll here. You weren’t being cheap. She was. Also, she was free to use the coupon with anyone else so you didn’t disallow her. You just made it clear that she was not going to piggyback off you.” Charlee-Rae
Another User Comments:
“Going against the grain here but YTJ. If you thought the pricing was too much, you should have said something earlier.
The fact that she found the coupon is kinda sucky but YOU ruined the trip. You would have paid the same amount as if she didn’t have the coupon. You would have paid what you expected to pay. If you had an issue BEFORE you got there, maybe I would have a different answer for you.” ISungOnce
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I’m assuming y’all aren’t close practically strangers at this point (rarely to never see each other) I definitely would let my friends use a coupon and not have to pay for anything if it’s buying one get one free, but that’s because I know my friends wouldn’t screw me over so if they gave me a coupon like that without going half It’s because they are financially struggling.” 333222444
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She needs to buy one ticket to get one free. She can’t do that without either buying the ticket and getting the free one herself or asking someone to buy a ticket and use the coupon. The cost of using that coupon? 1/2 off tickets for the buyer and the person who provided the coupon.
She should have had one of the people who are on her side use the coupon if she was so adamant about it.” GlitteringHair7
13. AITJ For Forwarding A Voice Note?
“I (23M) am a gay man who just recently started to engage in relationships. 6 months ago I had an academic exchange to Poland where I spent the most amazing time in my life. I got to know first-world medical care, hung out with other med students who rapidly became great friends and the cherry on top: I met a wonderful guy.
I was through the roof in ecstasy and happiness. I knew that I had to tell all of my friends! But I give a lot of details and since this was a long story, I figured I could tell them when I went back to my native country, Mexico.
In particular, there’s a group of three friends I met from a Biology Olympics contest we attended many years ago.
I had already told two of those three friends, so I sent a voice note to that missing friend saying “oh Ana, you were the last missing person to know” (of that group of friends). I screwed up because I re-sent the same voice note to another friend I’ve known for many years and she became very upset, firstly for forwarding a message instead of recording it all over again so “she feels special” and secondly because she misinterpreted my phrase.
She considers me a best friend and when she heard that she was devastated. She said that if I didn’t consider her a friend then she shouldn’t work so much on our friendship (she’s the one who takes us on road trips and such). She was very annoyed and just stopped listening to the rest of the voice note altogether.
I apologized for this but she wasn’t accepting it.
I even brought it to therapy. My therapist didn’t tell me a sharp yes/no you were wrong, but made me work on the feelings of the situation. He mentioned something along the lines of “if you’re so smart, how can you not comprehend how she felt?” He made me re-assess the fact that we had been friends for quite a long time, and my immediate reaction of devaluing her friendship and not even putting it in my scope of view when deciding whether to tell her the good news.
We have spent much much time together but that’s not a litmus test of our chemistry. I resent the times she was not nice to me and I instantly cut the lace between us. The time I made an appointment to tell her I was gay and she just ditched me to be with her and pointlessly making me wait for her in the cafeteria.
I feel like I’ve let pass a lot more things from her and be considerate but when I offend her I’m the worst person? Maybe the problem is the communication and that my way of showing anger is through vengeance and resentment instead of you know, saying it immediately?
To be fair, she has also gone to therapy and we’re on better terms now.
So far, we still defend our points of view and we’ve just let this pass. Just writing this has been cathartic and made me realize I wasn’t being empathetic. But I bring this topic because you tend to see things in a broader perspective. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I think if you hadn’t started it with the remark about the original message receiver being the last friend to know, it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal. However, this would make anyone feel like an afterthought.
I do think you could have considered this prior to forwarding the message. Especially if you have known her for years, wouldn’t you know her well enough to expect this type of response? Did you explain afterward that you specifically meant the last friend within one particular group and not the last friend to know in general?
That said, she is definitely being a bit sensitive about the whole situation and needing her own message to feel special. If I have a long story to share, I’ll often copy and paste the text to multiple people. Same goes for the voice app that I often use. I just leave out their name and personal touches so I can send it to multiple people and then respond to them individually afterward.
Being someone who also tends to speak at length, I completely get where you’re coming from there.
She doesn’t seem to be the most compassionate friend by what you said about previous experiences with her, however, don’t judge your actions in relation to hers. Hold yourself to a higher standard instead of writing off the event by calling out her past inconsiderate behavior with a “well, she’s done this, so it’s fine that I did that.” I still stand by the opinion that she is being too sensitive, but this is just general advice.” tiffany_heggebo
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your friend should have listened to the message in its entirety any you should have re-recorded the message, I doubt you’re that busy it would take a chunk out of the day to do so.
If your therapist really is saying stuff like “f you’re so smart” this is a red and you might like to consider getting/going to see another therapist.” NicSte_115
12. AITJ For Wanting An Open Relationship?
“I (28f) and my partner (35m) have been “together” for six years. My friendship and intimate relationship started with him 6 years ago but we have been official for about 2 years. I want to put it out there that I do not consider myself a good partner.
I have commitment and trust issues. I will also disclose that I suffer from depression and anxiety. I am on a SSRI and use other methods to try to manage it, but those issues will always exist. Despite all this, I really do love him. He’s been nothing but kind and considerate since I met him and has been a positive force in my life.
From the moment we started talking, I told him how I felt about “traditional” relationships. I was not interested in having only one intimate partner and was not looking for a romantic/life partner. We did continue talking and having and he eventually became my #1 FWB. I would have intercourse with other people if I wanted to and I would have been 100% okay with him doing the same.
I need to have honesty and communication in a relationship so I told him every time I slept with someone else. He never mentioned anyone to me.
He was starting to get restless in our arrangement. He’s older than me and has been ready to settle down for a while. For him that would be marriage and kids.
Neither of those things are in my life plan and I’ve also been very explicit with him about that. So it shocked me when he told me that he’s had been considering me his partner for years at that point and wanted that to be mutual. Once again, I love him. I don’t know if we love each other the same way but I’ve never felt the way I feel about him with anyone else.
When he officially asked me out, I had to remind him of what I want my future to look like. He said he loves me and he’s willing to forgo marriage and kids. Then I told him I want to keep our relationship open.
I don’t have enough characters to explain my feelings on monogamy, but the thought freaks me out.
We talked about that point for a couple of days until I gave him an ultimatum. I told him that if he can’t accept the fact that I want to be able to have intercourse with other people, I couldn’t be in any type of relationship with him besides a friendship. He obviously agreed. But he hasn’t been himself around me for a couple months now.
I have a feeling that he thought I would eventually come around to his way of things. I know he gets a lot of flack from his very Catholic mom about getting married and having kids. I don’t want to lose him but I more so don’t want him to be unhappy. My mental health has been deteriorating because I feel that I may have allowed a relationship to happen that never should have come together in the first place.
I feel responsible for his unhappiness but I know I can be too hard on myself. So, AITJ for giving my partner an ultimatum when our relationship started in order to keep it open?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ… in spite of being very honest and upfront about your wants and needs… you have been keeping him as a crutch for years.
Instead of doing the decent thing and allowing him to move on to something that he actually wants… you keep him around and play on his feelings for you.
You KNEW that what you wanted was different from him, and you kept doing the same thing anyway… He’s not entirely free of blame here either… he keeps hoping that you’ll change and you have no intention of doing so.
You cannot move forward whilst you are ‘together’ and you will never be able to remain friends after… you need to let it go and you both need to cut each other out of your lives.” A-nom-nom-nom-aly
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You both basically listed your deal-breakers early on and then just ignored them and continued down this path.
You knew he wanted you to be his partner, he knew you weren’t looking for kids or settling down. Those are sort of negating factors. I get that sometimes you just fall for someone but you’re going to end up causing each other a lot of hurt. You both need what you need and there’s no shame in that but it sounds like you can’t get that from each other.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – except for the “I don’t want to lose him” part. Marriage and family are usually deal breakers in this case. It would be selfish to try and salvage a relationship with someone who doesn’t want the same things you do in this regard. It will only lead to bitter resentment.
You weren’t a jerk until you realized he was ready to settle down and thought it would be with you. At that point, you need to break it off if you don’t want the same things.” marheena
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk. That honestly doesn’t seem like an ultimatum, it seems like just being upfront and honest with him about your needs in a relationship and letting him know that your plans don’t match up with his.
It was ultimately his decision to enter a relationship with you and everything that comes along with it. Just try talking to him and seeing exactly what’s on his mind.” Reddit user
11. AITJ For Not Including My Brother's Children?
“I’m in my 50s and my wife of over 20 years. she and I have no children. We do enjoy kids and play the fun aunt and uncle to my brother and sister’s kids.
My sibling’s kids are younger. There’s 5 of them total ages ranging from 13-4. I love them like they are my kids and my wife and I spend a lot of time with them. We also are pretty well off financially, so we love taking them to theme parks, downtown (our major city), and our vacation house.
At the end of 2017, my brother started to go through a very rough divorce, with unfaithfulness involved. The kids have been very depressed and it sucks seeing the two of them carted around between their mom and dad. This year, I got a pretty nice bonus and decided my wife and I are going to take our brother’s 2 kids and our sister’s 3 kids to Disney World for a week.
I’m pretty excited as I am a Disney nerd myself. And the younger kids haven’t gone before so being there with them for their first time is an incredible feeling.
At the end of 2018, my brother has been getting into relationships again, and ended up finding someone he feels serious about. They moved in together this past November.
I’ve met her and she’s fine, she seems a little quiet for my brother but he seems happy and over the divorce so It’s all good. She has a 7-year-old daughter who moved in with my brother as well. He actually spends more time with the daughter of his partner than his kids, since she spends all week there (dad not really in the picture) and his kids go there on the weekends.
She is a sweet girl, but I have only been around her for more than just a hello probably twice. Apparently his oldest (the 13-year-old) is annoyed with her, but she gets along really well with his youngest.
I brought up the Disney vacation with my brother and sister and they are ecstatic. I extended the invites to them but neither of them is big on theme park vacations.
So my brother asked me if I planned on taking (partner’s daughter). I said honestly I was not planning on it. I explained that an extra child of that age would be too much for my wife and me to handle. And that his kids are still struggling with the separation, and having the child of their father’s new partner on the trip might not be the best.
He told me that it’s my choice and he knows his kids will have fun so I can do what I want. But he thinks that I’m being a jerk. Because “I can afford it” and “we need to get to know her.” I snapped that he’s acting like this. I said this is a woman he has known for a little over a year and a kid that has lived with him for a few months.
We haven’t talked since, my wife is saying that we should just take the daughter to avoid a problem with my brother. I do not want to. I’d like this to be my own nieces and nephews in the wake of this divorce. I’m not unwilling to get to know his partner and kid, as I would like to and she is welcome to my home and all.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I grew up in a mixed family. My stepdad moved in with my mom a few years before they actually got married and his kids would stay with us every other weekend (we’d be at my dad’s on the other weekends while they were at their mom’s). Really early on we used to go on vacations to visit my stepdad’s family.
One of the things that really stands out to me is how welcoming his family was to me and my brother. We were treated no differently than my stepdad’s kids and the other cousins. It was tremendously important to cement my relationship with my stepdad, his daughter, and the rest of his family. When my stepdad’s sister died, it felt like I had lost a “real” aunt.
I’m going to say no one’s a jerk because you have legitimate reasons to not want to bring your brother’s partner’s daughter, specifically that you fear it might be too difficult to wrangle that many kids.
But I would say that you have an opportunity to make a child–who your brother has indicated he expects to be in his life–feel welcome in your family.
It may actually help her develop a better relationship with her quasi-step-sisters (and honestly, your 13-year-old niece being annoyed by a 7-year-old is not unusual, 13-year-old girls are annoyed by everyone).
You don’t have to bring her along. And maybe it’s not feasible for legal reasons, but if you do, it could go a long way.” Rivkah17
Another User Comments:
“Going against the grain, YTJ and here’s why:
Assuming your brother is serious about this woman, and he is helping her raise her child, and they seem to be heading in the direction of marriage or very long term commitment, then congratulations – you have a new niece. Leaving her behind when her new ‘siblings’ and cousins all get to go to Disney is isolating and crappy.
She’s seven. Old enough to realize she’s getting different treatment, old enough to feel hurt, old enough to think that means you don’t like her or don’t want her to be part of the family. When you’re making a little kid feel like she’s unwanted, especially when her own father has already abandoned her, then yes, you are the jerk.
You’re not obligated to bring her along, but this sub isn’t “Am I The Obligated?” It’s “Am I The Jerk?” and if your choice is making a small child feel like a piece of then usually yes, yes you are.
You’ve already offered tickets to two people who refused, so you can clearly afford it.
I suggest you get back to your brother with a compromise – tell him you worry about taking on a kid you don’t know as well as the others and she might be freaked out too, but if he comes along with her to lend you guys a hand, then she’s welcome to join you.
And if you’re still on the fence, consider this. You’re not a parent, but your nieces and nephews look up to you and will learn by the examples you set. Do you want them to learn generosity and inclusion, or exclusion and cold shoulders? What’s the better memory for them; that one time they got a great vacation while possible-new-sister stayed home alone, or the first time they got to have a really fun trip together and felt more like a family?” Trilobyte141
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t know the kid. I doubt your brother’s partner would even be comfortable with her daughter going to Disney Land without her. I’d be super uncomfortable with that if it was my kid. (Depends on how far you have to travel. For me, it’s a flight so likely a week in a hotel.
If it’s like a day trip still I’d still be pretty meh. 5 kids with the youngest being 4 is a lot to watch. Adding in a sixth kid that’s under 10 is majorly stressful).
Also, you don’t know this kid. It sounds like you’ve never even spent extended time with her. Expecting a kid to listen to an adult they don’t know while in a place like Disney Land sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Perhaps if they get more serious, you get to know the kid and are in a position to take all the kids again then it’d be a bit different but as for how things stand now it’s rather asinine to expect you to take a kid you barely know to Disney Land. This is supposed to be a trip for you and your nieces and nephews.
She isn’t your niece (yet).” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk.
I think you’re perfectly within your rights to take as many or as few children as you want, and you’re an awesome family member to do this for your nieces and nephews. An extra kid could be more hassle and harder to corral. HOWEVER…
Your brother has been this woman for over a year, and they live together. For all intents and purposes, this relationship is HEADING towards marriage or domestic partnership. And the girl is 7, not a toddler. She’s going to remember that one time that Uncle X and Aunt Y took her cousins, that she grew up with (because if they’re together 10 years from now, this is the family she grew up with), for a trip to Disney and she was excluded because she was ONLY the partner’s daughter, and not the step daughter yet.
I’d be sad to be that kid, I’d be annoyed at my long-term SO’s family members for not including my kid… but if I hadn’t offered, I’d be annoyed that my sibling was trying to force me to take his SO’s kid if I were in your shoes. In the context you’ve provided to the post, I personally would’ve offered to take the potential future step child at the same time I offered to take the bio children.
But you’re not the jerk to not want to.” momlife8011
10. AITJ For Refusing To Reconnect With A Friend?
“A year ago I (26F) started university in London and got to meet many people living in my flat before I moved. We all do different courses and have to go to separate campuses, therefore we rarely got to see each other after we moved in.
I became good friends with one of my flatmates in her 40s (Loty). She was financially struggling so I helped her find ways to save, and used to chat a lot on social media about what the uni experience will be like for mature students and I even helped her move her things. The first few weeks were ok and we hung out and toured London.
Then our courses started, so I got busy with study, soon got work so would have long hours, even work on weekends. Whenever I saw her, I would make sure she is doing well or hear her vent about everything but she would never listen to my suggestions or be there when I really needed to talk but it ok cause I was able to talk to my childhood best friend (Reema).
It was a whole cycle with her, I am busy so can’t make many plans and she would get mad and send long texts saying that I’m ignoring her and don’t want to spend time with her, etc… I would drop everything as she sends pics of her crying. I would need to calm her down, then she apologizes.
I was genuinely worried for her mental health but she refused to take any help from the uni wellbeing team.
After my first assignment, I asked if she wanted to come and join me for a party at Reema’s place, she was up for it then she wanted to know who these friends were and why I have not told her about them before, which point I said “They are my school friends and we are just celebrating one of my friend’s engagement.
Also didn’t tell you before cause you never met them plus we’ve only known each other for like 2/3 months as friends.” A few hours after our conversation, Reema called me to ask why Loty wouldn’t stop messaging her on FB. This got me annoyed so I went to Loty to ask about this and she kept denying it and said that Reema must be jealous of her and my new friend.
I told her to stop as I had proof and said it would be best if she doesn’t come to the party, I didn’t want her to do anything that would cause issues as all attention should be on Reema and her fiance. I did tell her that I will make it up to her by taking her shopping the day after (as I felt bad) and we could watch a movie if she wanted. She was upset but was happy that I will spend time with her.
Many other things happened (I can have several posts on her) before I was able to move away and cut contact.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: She isn’t being a good friend to you, I would probably try to separate myself from her. I know that sounds bad since she was going through therapy, but she needs to want to help herself first. You can’t hurt your other friends or your life to help someone that doesn’t help themselves.” bexdporlap
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s fine if you don’t have enough emotional bandwidth to take up this “friendship” again. You gotta watch out for your own mental health and it sounds like you were kind of stressed out managing her emotions (which side note is definitely not your job) no need to put yourself through that again.” design_dork
9. AITJ For Ghosting A Friend?
“It all started about 4 years ago. I work in professional services and the admin team on one of my clients included H.
H and I got on ok, and worked together really well on this account. A couple of months later ,it was announced that she was moving into my team, and that she’d be working for me a lot more.
This was fine, as I knew she was good, and I could rely on her.
Fast forward 6 months and we get on like a house on fire. To the point where other people in my team call her my work wife, and we play up to it a bit. We get closer and closer as time passes on.
Work Christmas 2016, we’re both kind of intoxicated, and I flat out ask her why we aren’t together given we are just electric together, and everyone thinks we are anyway. She answers “what if we broke up?” – that killed me. The rest of the night was a bit of a blur, but ends up with it kind of being put behind us and moving on.
In hindsight, that’s the negativity that the rose-tinted glasses had me missing. Whatever we did together, there was always a but….always!
We carry on for the next 10 months or so, getting on great, but I can tell things get a bit strained (still have no idea why). Then she pulls some work BS out of nowhere and starts a row over how she can’t trust me with (my) clients – wanting to micromanage me (even though she was more junior) and being a bit of a witch.
Fast forward to another party, Summer 2018. Things had been ok between us, a bit cooler, but still we could work together quite well.
I’ll be honest the 2 months leading up to that party were the crappiest months of my life. I lived alone, and never did I feel more alone, and all I needed was a friend looking out for me.
I closed down whilst at this party completely. I still don’t know what happened, but the shutters came down in my head, and I wanted to have nothing to do with anyone. H noticed, and came and found me with a beer. “Want to tell me what’s going on?”….”No”….and that was it.
I walked away and went home to carry on drinking.
That summer, I spoke to my manager, and got some help. I spent that summer in therapy, and finally worked though my biggest issues…one of them being H. Whatever I did, was always for her benefit, not mine, and how emotionally draining that was for me.
To the point where I had a total breakdown over it.
Pretty much the next time H and I had a proper conversation was the following March. At which point she accused me of not being there for her, about hiding behind our work instant messaging and accusing me of not giving a crap about the women in the team and only interacting with the other guys – which might be true, but only because the guys were the ones who gave a crap about me.
We haven’t spoken since then, in almost a year. Part of me is sad about losing someone who was (stressing the was) so important to me. The rest of me is miles better for getting her toxicity out of my day to day life. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like he expects more from her, whether romantic or emotional. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t want that but he’s still expecting it?
Like after they were both and he asks her out and she turns him down with the well what about our friendship if we break up card, he still has “no idea” why things are a bit strained. I mean she’s your coworker, (hopefully you are not her superior or this adds a level of not okay), not a potential date, nothing in your description deems her toxic.
You literally said she was the only one who checked on you at work. NTJ for ghosting her because you were not seeing her. YTJ and so is your therapist if you actually place all the blame on her and don’t internally reflect on why you felt this way.” Famous-Problem
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk.
Doesn’t sound like either of you did anything horrible to each other. You wanted a romantic relationship, she didn’t. She called you out when she felt like you weren’t working up to potential. Sounds like you had some mental health issues that you blame her for. Not sure why you described her as toxic, just sounds like you had a strong relationship that fizzled and neither of you cared enough about each other at that point to do anything about it.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“ESH. She shouldn’t have treated you like that, and you should probably have talked with her more about that. Don’t get me wrong, I understand a lot was going on between you 2, but you probably should have told her a lot so she could understand you better, and because she didn’t know all too much about what was going on with you, she shouldn’t have acted like that.” M_e_E_m_Z
8. AITJ For Leaving My Sick Children With My MIL?
“To start, I am a SAHM to our four kids (6, 4, 2 & 10mo old). My husband’s job recently brought us to his home state where we live 3 hours from his parents and sister’s family. My husband has been gone for the past month & a half for training on the opposite coast and still has a little over 2 more months left before he can come home.
Within the past week, all four of my kids have been sick with it coming out both ends. I actually ended up taking my eldest to the ER because her symptoms weren’t improving and I wanted to make sure she didn’t have the flu (she didn’t). The sickness seems to come in bouts with the kids having good days and then immediately down for the count the next.
It has been exhausting and I have been very diligent about cleaning and disinfecting. They’ve all stayed home from school despite no fevers, I have canceled 2 play dates and even told a family friend who we haven’t seen in over a year and was coming with her kids from out of town to not come over because she had a new baby & I didn’t want her catching it.
I say all of this to show that I feel I’ve been as responsible as I can be with this sickness.
When my husband found out he had to go out of state for training, my sister and I made plans for me to visit her (she lives 8 hrs away, I plan on driving) without the kids.
Since my in-laws live pretty close, the plan was for me to drop the kids off with them & then take off for 5 days. I’ve been keeping my MIL updated on the kids’ sicknesses and she hasn’t said anything about no longer wanting to watch them. When I spoke to my husband last night about my upcoming trip this apparently took him by surprise as he said it was irresponsible to dump 4 sick kids off at his parents while I go out of town.
I told him that his mom hasn’t said anything about not wanting to watch them anymore, but he pointed out that his mom is pretty non-confrontational and wouldn’t tell me no. He asked if I’d do that to my parents, but my mom has an autoimmune disease so I don’t feel it’s a fair question because there’s no way she’d be able to handle them (also she lives no where near us).
So I called my SIL who lives in the same town and was going to help watch them to ask her opinion, she agreed with my husband that their mom would never tell me no and said that if I bring the kids she won’t be able to help because she’s very pregnant & high-risk so she doesn’t want to catch whatever it is they have.
Before anyone asks, I HAVE directly spoken to MIL and she said it was fine, but she also hasn’t seen the kids in a while and so she might just want to see them despite all of them being sick. My sister wants me to come but said I’d be a jerk (however, if it matters she doesn’t have any kids) and obviously, my husband said I should stay home and just reschedule a different time to see my sister but if I’m being honest I was/am really looking forward to a little break from sick kids and having some adult time.
So please help, AITJ for wanting my kids to stay with my in-laws while I visit my sister?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and I think it’s pretty disingenuous to just say that it’s a different situation just because your mom has an autoimmune disease – is that major? Yes, but if you think about it longer than a second the question sounds more to me like “would you do this to someone in your family” not would you do this to someone with a disability compared to someone without.
She’ll have no help, and they’re all sick. All of them.
You needing a break is not something I can argue with but dumping 4 kids as sick as you’re describing on one person who doesn’t take care of kids daily anymore is without a doubt jerkish. Even your sister agrees.
If you need help, call MIL over to stay for a few days and split the workload but don’t just leave them all with her.” OilSeeYouL8er
Another User Comments:
“Jesus Christ. You deserve a medal for taking care of 4 YOUNG children by yourself while your husband is out of town for months! And now they’re sick in a particularly messy way. They’re probably passing it around over and over. If you haven’t gotten it yet, you will.
Of course you want a break.
You’re NTJ and you probably wouldn’t be if you left them with your in-laws, but…
This could turn out badly. 3 hours away means their doctor is unavailable. If you went to the ER once, they might have to, as well. In laws could catch it. You could bring it to your sister. The potential for a ruined trip or really bad feelings is HIGH.
I would re-schedule.” PopularBonus
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. For one, your kids need one of their parents, especially the little ones. It’s horrible to be sick and not have your mom or dad around. Also, that’s an enormous load to drop on your MIL especially since she will no longer have your SIL’s help. It sucks, but you need to cancel your plans.
Especially since you don’t know what your kids have. It could be really serious and you’re too far away to get back to them quickly. It’s just not responsible.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“How would you feel if the actuation was reversed? As a mother of small kiddos, I understand needing some you time.
But I would never leave them with a family member if they were sick. Unless there was an emergency. But never to just go visit my sister. You can always reschedule. YTJ, but just because it seems like you’re thinking of yourself in this situation. You should keep your kids home and cuddle them.
Keeping them away from infecting more people like immunocompromised people. Because having your MIL watch them could spread it to her and then she spreads it.” trisserlee
7. AITJ For Putting My Foot Down With My Parents?
“My parents are first-generation immigrants and have a lot of expectations from me and my siblings. Ever since I can remember, my parents have pounded in my head that I needed to go to a top tier university and become an attorney. As silly as it sounds, I never really questioned it and took it to heart.
I think I did my part of making my parents proud. I ended up going to a prestigious school and my parents would brag about me at every chance they got. I was embarrassed but I didn’t mind because my parents were happy. When I graduated school, instead of applying to law school right away I got a job at a law firm first. I wanted to see how the work was up close and wanted to take a break from school.
Long story short, working in a law firm made me realize two things:
-
Lawyers are jerks who think they’re God’s gift to earth.
-
I never ever want to become a lawyer.
The truth is, I don’t think I ever wanted to, I just thought it was what I HAD to do. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents so I still studied for the LSATS and even took the November 2019 LSAT (yes, the one that was a nightmare).
My parents already began telling their friends and family that I was going to become a hotshot lawyer etc.
But to be frank, it terrified me because I realized I was going to put my foot down in a field I would hate and because I am now in my mid-late twenties, this kind of decision would be hard to un-do.
So last night, after several months of thinking this over, I sat my parents down and told them I didn’t want to go to law school. I was honest and told them I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I know my work experience and school was catered toward legal, but now that I know it’s not what I want, I wanted to explore my options before it became too late.
My dad didn’t say much and retired to his room but my mom wouldn’t stop crying. She kept talking about how people will talk and gossip about the family, and how they’ll think that I’m incompetent. She said that I’m embarrassing the family and she doesn’t know why I’m deciding to be rebellious now. Also, because I don’t know what I want to do she’s telling me that this is a phase and I need to stop making dumb decisions and ruin my future.
She also told me that I’ve already dug myself too deep into legal and wouldn’t be able to find anything other than legal work anyways.
I told at my mom that she needs to let me live my life and let me figure out what I want to do because if there is one thing I’m positive about, it’s the fact that I never ever want to work in law.
I don’t remember much because I was so frustrated and upset.
My siblings have been blowing up my phone since I left and my mom left me several voicemails crying and asking me to reconsider. It’s 3:30 AM and I can’t sleep because I feel like I’m being selfish. Please be honest, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Aw shoot OP, that sounds hard. Your mom has attached her success as a mother to your success AS A LAWYER so you “failing” at becoming a lawyer means that she failed at raising you. This probably also applies to your dad but your mom seems to be expressing it more visibly.
To be clear, NTJ.
Certain (most?) cultures place way too much importance on prestige. Somehow the role of Lawyer was assigned a lot of prestige. Your mother has already staked her reputation on you (and by proximity, herself) getting all that prestige so she fears the relative shame that NOT getting that prestige will bring.
I’m gonna go with NTJ because your parents need to respect your right to not hate your job.
They seem to have put way too much pressure on you to fit a certain mold because they didn’t understand that there are many ways to be successful.
Be loving to them going forward though. They were aiming you for what they thought was the best possible career. It was done in a form of love.
They just didn’t realize that it isn’t the best career FOR YOU.” ThoughtfulNerd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but not solidly. From your description, it sounds like your family came from a culture where parents decide on their kid’s careers. I would imagine they have very strict ideas of the type of person you would marry as well.
You know that the likely ramifications will include a lot of family strife. So as a person, you are honoring yourself and that’s the way it’s supposed to be where you currently live. But, as a person from another culture, you are disrespecting tradition. This is not a jerk move but it’s one you knew would negatively impact your family.
There is often a clash of cultures when kids of immigrants live according to the norms of their new country. So you are making a deliberate decision to embrace the traditions of the place you live over generations of tradition in your family. I don’t think it’s a jerk move, but it can definitely been seen that way from a certain perspective.
Did they pay for your college and/or rent? Because if they did, they did so with the understanding ( you gave them no indication you choose a different path) that you would basically dishonor the agreement you had. They may feel you wasted hundreds of thousands of their dollars because you lacked the maturity to make a life decision that would impact them financially when you became an adult.
Since they paid for college with the explicit understanding you would be a lawyer, it’s not unreasonable for them to want you to pay them back.” DeathSentenceFoos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I dropped out of uni and bounced between study ideas and career paths until I bounced back into the same degree at a different uni nearly 10 years later.
My parents put pressure on me to succeed and to have a uni education.
The only advice is to create a plan. Something you can say to your parents. Like when I told my parents I wanted to drop out of uni, I had a rough plan for the next few stages. So I told them I was going to work until the end of the year and attend tafe part time (it’s for trades and degrees that are independent but can lead to uni, maybe community college is close?).
Which was re-evaluated at the start of the following year. Sometimes parents don’t want to hear you don’t know what’s next because they take that as you haven’t thought it through properly.” Superb_Rutabega
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Parent for the overreaction (from mom and siblings at least), and for you not having any broad idea of what you would do instead.
In the months of thinking over the decision, you could have at least put some thought into what you would do, instead of dropping this bombshell.
It’s a lot easier to take in a career change when you have a field in mind or even switching to a different field in the same broad area.
Rather than saying you don’t know squat and you just want to quit law.
Think of any interests or skills you had in high school, and see if you can apply them in higher education.” B0r3d-At-W0rk
6. AITJ For Being Miserable At My Partner's Family Event?
“Today is my (26F) birthday. Yesterday, my FIL and his wife, my SIL and her fiance, and my sweetheart of a MIL and her husband got together for a party that my MIL planned.
I’m a huge introvert, largely due to mental illness (most relevant being anxiety), so social situations wear me out really quickly.
Weekends are my opportunity to recharge, but I haven’t had a chance to do so. A friend took me out straight from work Friday, and then I had to wake up early to clean the house in preparation for family. About an hour into our guests’ visit I was already overwhelmed. I mostly crocheted in the background while everyone else socialized.
I’m horrible at hiding my feelings, so it was pretty clear as soon as we got to the restaurant that I was miserable. My husband (32M) got into a political argument with his dad, so I slipped away to the bathroom. I got texts asking where I was and came back to the table, but I was fighting back tears.
When my food came, I felt too anxious to eat, which frustrated my husband a lot. Basically, I spent the majority of my party whisper arguing, pouting, and picking at my food. I tried really hard to turn it around and felt I was relatively engaged and pleasant by the end, but I’m almost certain the damage was done.
When we got home, I vented my frustration to my husband in an admittedly whiny manner (complaining that it was at my least favorite kind of restaurant, etc). My husband snapped that my birthday isn’t about me, it’s about the people we love who want to celebrate with me. I lost it, and it embarrasses me to admit but I behaved truly childish and petulant in the ensuing argument.
The situation got worse when he refused to apologize, until he finally broke down and told me what bothered him so much.
My MIL has stage 4 breast cancer. She’s currently in remission, but it will always come back. This weighs extremely heavy on my husband, though he does his best not to show it. By pouting my way through my party he knew I had hurt my MIL’s feelings, and he couldn’t help but wonder if this was her last chance to throw me a nice party and I had slapped her in the face with my lack of gratitude.
I can’t remember ever feeling like such a low life as when I realized that that’s exactly what I’d done.
I immediately texted my MIL to apologize for my mood and thank her for a wonderful night. My husband and I made up, and we both apologized for our attitudes. However, after a nearly sleepless night, for some reason I still can’t shake the slight bitterness I feel about having to spend this weekend, which I had thought was going to be about what I wanted, pleasing other people (I share a birthday with my grandma, who also has cancer, so today is going to be devoted to her).
I know IATJ for being an ungrateful whiny baby at my party, but AITJ for still feeling salty about not getting to be selfish for my birthday?”
Another User Comments:
“As a fellow introvert, I’ll say a gentle YTJ.
I get where you’re coming from. It sucks to sacrifice an entire weekend. But you do have some control here.
You could have asked your coworker to go for drinks next week instead. Or explained to your MIL that you were afraid you wouldn’t get to really enjoy the party and could we please do it next weekend instead so I can be fully present. Or maybe you could have talked to her about having the party somewhere else or only doing the restaurant visit.
It’s up to you to set healthy boundaries that both factor in your mental health and your relationships to the people who love you.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“ESH – If it’s not really your birthday party you should know that. Before the party, your husband should have said something like “I know parties are not your thing but this might be MIL’s last one can you do this for her?” It would have completely changed the tone of the night.
He should apologize for that. He also should also apologize for getting in a political argument and making things worse. Definitely a jerk.
That being said, if your MIL is dying of cancer you should be on red alert for things that could be taken the wrong way at such a trying time. Letting your MIL know that you’d rather just have a small dinner with her rather than a party would have been appropriate.
Finally, if you know that you’re dying mother-in-law is throwing you a birthday party and you are worn out by social situations, going out with a co-worker and expending all your social energy the day before is a jerk move. Furthermore, knitting at a party someone is throwing you is rude.
Your MIL should have known about your challenges and thrown a party more tailored to you and not what she wanted. Minor jerk.” thisishowicomment
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your husband should have told you sooner that his mother had stage 4 cancer. You should have told your husband and your MIL that your social anxiety was so bad that you couldn’t relax and would find the dinner difficult. Your husband should have been kinder and more accommodating knowing your issues.
But I think you did react badly – it wasn’t just social anxiety, it was resentment, and you let it show.
‘I still can’t shake the slight bitterness I feel about having to spend this weekend, which I had thought was going to be about what I wanted, pleasing other people.’
To some extent, that’s just life.
You rarely as an adult get to expect the people around you – who have challenges of their own – to make it all about you, even for a day. And while you feel like this was a sacrifice you made for your MIL, and not something for yourself, someone loves you enough to throw you a party!
So even if it didn’t feel like it was for you, it really was.” WebbieVanderquack
Another User Comments:
“Honest opinion on this, gentle YTJ. I get it. I’m also an introvert and I’ve struggled with anxiety for years. I feel the same way about the weekends that you do.
However, it clearly seems like you knew this party was coming.
Obviously, you knew the family was coming over Saturday. You talk about your friend taking you out on Friday as if you had no choice involved, but this would have been the time to set boundaries and say, “Sorry, I can’t go out tonight.” This would have given you more time to get the house clean AND factor in some alone time.” AlsoNotaSpider
5. AITJ For Wanting My Roommate To Pay For Toilet Paper?
“So I (24F) live with a 30F. I’ve been in this flat a couple of years and have had a couple of flatmates move in and out, and when the last one moved out.
I put out a post on FB looking for flatmates. Had never met this woman (let’s call her S), but she seemed nice, friendly, & reliable, so everything was arranged and she moved in. We get along fine. There are small household-y pet peeves, but all stuff that can be easily dealt with and addressed given good communication.
Then, something very strange happened. I notice that for the thirdish time, she had left an empty roll of TP in the bathroom. I chalked it up to her being forgetful. So, in a tactful way, I ask her, “Hey S, just a quick favour, could you change the TP roll out when it’s done?”
Without skipping a beat, she says, “I don’t use toilet paper.”
I am very confused and don’t know where to begin. “You… don’t use toilet paper? What?”
She says something along the lines of, “I just don’t use toilet paper.”
In my surprise, I do not know how to follow up without seeming pushy or prying, so I don’t.
But in my head, I’m like, a) what the heck do you use? and b) where did all the TP go?!
I question my sanity a little, and move on. I take her at her word, and continue to pay for all the TP in the house. Life goes on. Then, later, I finally ask her what she means when she says she doesn’t use TP.
She just says she uses her hands, water and soap. OK, I suppose?! In my head I’m like that seems like… it could only be hygienic if you’re really good about it, so I will just assume that you are? And I will not pass judgment or tell you how to live?
Later, I notice that the TP runs out super quickly (especially if only one person uses it), so I ask her, a little confused and frustrated, “how much TP do you use?” (maybe she uses it for other stuff?), and her response, verbatim, is “I use it sparingly.”
In my head, I’m like, 1) if you are using TP at the rate I am deducing then you need to be paying for it! 2) Am I really okay with her not using TP and potentially spreading all her fecal and urine particles all over the house?! Lately, the viral respiratory illness has been a really big deal in the SE Asian city that I live in, which has 1) caused TP shortages, and 2) made personal hygiene all the more important.
I’ve started to keep my TP in my bedroom and bring it to the bathroom when I use it.
You know how you can hear the faucet going in the bathroom when someone uses it? Whenever she ‘goes’, the faucet only turns on for a couple of seconds, definitely not long enough to wash her hands thoroughly.
I’m so confused. I’m becoming increasingly less comfortable with her toilet ‘habits’ (if they really are her habits, I mean I don’t know what goes on in there!), and want to bring it up with her. But at the same time I don’t want to tell her how to live! WIBTJ for bringing it up and insisting that she start using toilet paper (that she should pay for?)?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you insist that she use toilet paper. NTJ if you want her to pay towards TP she uses.
In many parts of the world, washing with water and soap is considered the superior method and it is supported by many researchers around the world.
In case you are confused after you wash your butt with soap, you also wash your hands with soap.
Meanwhile, many toilet users don’t even wash their hands after using toilet paper (I’ve seen plenty of people exiting toilets in airports and schools and workplaces, etc., without washing up at the sink)
But like any controversial issues, there are people who support TP as well. But please don’t just assume that because you don’t understand someone’s culture/behavior that it is an inferior one.
I myself am a supporter of bidets and find toilet paper to be the inferior choice if I had to choose between them. I wash up with bidet/spray and dry off with toilet paper before washing my hands with soap and water.” w1ck3dme
Another User Comments:
“It’s never ok for people to be spreading their fecal matter around.
You could ask her to use TP properly, but I doubt she’d do it. Maybe she can start using baby wipes AND washing her hands? Habits like hers are pretty ingrained by the time someone’s an adult and it’s not like you can inspect her compliance! Just keep your TP in your bedroom (everybody supplies their own).
Better find a new roomie first chance you get. NTJ.” BernieTheDachshund
Another User Comments:
“She’s using more toilet paper than she’s wanting to admit, I think, and seems embarrassed by it.
Are you the jerk? NTJ, I have no idea if it’s appropriate to insist she use toilet paper, but I do know whether or not she complies is outside your control, so you might wanna find another way.” the_paradox_lounge
4. AITJ For Not Spending Enough Time With My Friend?
“I’m 22, she’s 23. We’ve been going out casually for about 2 months. The past 4 weeks we’d spent studying. We both decided we needed a good night out after dealing with exams and I had been invited to a Balkan themed party, so I decided to bring her along. It was held where I had already been a regular for a while.
When we met, she kept checking her phone and complaining she’s either tired or cold and I kept trying to psych her up for the event, without much effect. After we got there, I went to greet everyone and introduce her to the people she didn’t already know (we’d already been there twice). I got the first round and started a tab, then I got us a table.
The table was next to one full of regulars and staff I’d known for a while and they invited us to join them.
At our table, she was again very quiet, kept checking her phone and staring blankly. I decided to accept my friends’ invitation as it was a chance to get a wider conversation going and to warm her up to the people.
Nope. She didn’t engage at all, even after I tried getting her involved in the conversation. Eventually she saw some of her friends and went over to talk to them.
I kept getting the impression she wasn’t having a good time with me so I went out to network. Unfortunately, my phone died and I completely lost track of time.
Eventually, she came to get me and said she’d been texting me and that I’d been gone for an hour. I explained about the phone, I apologized and we went to dance. This was however short-lived and again pretty awkward. We ended up sitting back down for another round of silence, we broke it with some shots, but again it got back to not much of anything.
One of my best friends, a bartender, invited me out for a smoke saying we have to talk about some stuff, privately. I excused myself and went with him. Turns our he just wanted to vent about some stuff on his break. As he was leaving, another group of friends joined me and we started catching up.
I again lost track of time. After I realized I’d been out a bit long, I went back inside to find her. She had joined a guy and his apparent partner and seemed to be having a really good time. I went over, said hello to the two, sat down next to her and she ignored me.
She seemed to be having more fun with them so I just went up to play musical trivia. Earned myself a couple of free drinks. After that, I danced, networked, did shots with the bar staff, etc. All this time she was with this guy. It seemed she had pushed the original girl out of the picture.
They started dancing, got very hands-on and I decided to let her have her fun for the rest of the night and kept to myself. Eventually she called me over to tell me I’m a huge jerk and that she’ll never hang out with me again, then she left with this guy without even saying goodbye.
I realize I could’ve been more cavalier about the situation, but with us just being FWB, I didn’t feel as responsible for her. AITJ and if yes, what was the better course of action?”
Another User Comments:
“No one is a jerk.
She’s probably looking for something a bit more with you and was maybe looking for more of a date with you?
If you did everything you said you did in your post she would have no reason to be mad if you really are just FWB. By the end of the night, she was trying to make you jealous which suggests she probably caught some feelings and didn’t like you off ‘networking’ and whatever. FWB hardly ever works so it’s probably time to have the talk with her and go your separate ways.” kinglou12
Another User Comments:
“ESH, if you’re with a friend you should be keeping better track of time and she could have just walked around a bit looking for you. It sounds like being FWBs isn’t the best thing for you guys. Personally, I don’t hangout with my FWB’s outside of hooking up so I find it weird you even went out with friends together, but it’s obvious she probably has feelings for you which means this probably can’t go well for either of you.” randomedittor21
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You actually were cavalier, which means not showing any concern. You both should have set expectations ahead of time. If just a friend brought me to a party and dumped me, I would have been upset. It’s just common sense to keep checking in, unless your rule is just to ditch each other.
Why did you even bring her, anyway?” Notreallypolitical
3. AITJ For Getting Upset At My Mom For Traveling?
“I (21F) live only with my mom (52) and we have two dogs and 1 cat. My parents got my dogs when I was young, the first one when I was around 8 and the second one around 13. The older one is now really old and kinda sick, he can’t stand up on his own most of the time and when he does, he falls.
He pees, poops, eats and drinks water laying down and we have to clean him up all the time. All of that was already challenging but we could handle it, but now he started to bark, all the time. He has a strange mass on the stomach that we can only find out what it is during surgery and he is too old for it (he’s a 14-year-old golden retriever).
I already went to the veterinarian to make exams many times and she prescribed meds for the pain he may be feeling. We are doing everything we can to make him comfortable and giving him his meds properly but every day he starts barking really loud around 6 am and this past week it’s getting worst and he the rest of the day and night too.
I’m on vacation and I get out of bed multiple times in the morning to check on him and give him his meds but most of the times he doesn’t stop barking. My mom gets up 6am naturally and goes out to walk on the beach as she does every day then goes to work from 9 am to 7 pm every day, so I have to take care of him all by myself every day but at the weekends and at nights she helps me out.
This week it’s a holiday in my country and my mom booked a trip to a close city with her partner and friends and I’m staying home, taking care of the dog. I love my dog but it’s really stressful to be around his barking everyday, I don’t mind cleaning and giving his meds but I just can’t sleep properly or take a shower or even go to the bathroom when he starts barking, I have only a few hours of peace for myself everyday while he’s sleeping.
My mom travels all the time for work to different countries and I take care of the house and pets by myself but now she’s going to a close place for vacation. I didn’t ask my mom to stay and help me because I didn’t want to be selfish. She slept at her partner’s house and this morning when she was supposed to travel she texted me saying they had a problem with the car and were fixing it.
I didn’t get any sleep this night cause my dog barking and to be able to stay close to him I slept on the couch where he is really hot and has a lot of mosquitoes. When she texted me in the morning I told her the dog was barking and I was really stressed out and was going to get crazy with this routine, she texted me back asking if I wanted to call her and I said no, I had already told her what was going on and she’s aware of the situation.
I asked her where she was and she said she still hadn’t travel and didn’t answer anything else, that made me really upset.
I’m afraid I’m being selfish and she should have the right to enjoy her trip but this has been a really hard time, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Having recently sent my cat across the rainbow bridge, it is easy when you’re ”caught up” in the day-to-day care of a beloved pet to not fully realize how unwell your pet is.
Given your description of your dog and its age, I’d say it’s likely barking all the time because it is in a lot of pain. There’s nothing more that the vet can do other than send your dog over the rainbow bridge. I think it’s time to have that discussion with your vet.” zwergschnauzer
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
The animal is clearly suffering. It cannot even stand on its own. It’s probably extremely agitated and is now incessantly barking. What is wrong with you and your mother? It’s time to let the dog go in peace.” just_coy
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ – your dog is sick and probably has cancer and is in pain.
He needs to be put down. Letting him live on like this is terrible and your both terrible people for not putting him/her down!” surfzz318
2. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Cancel Her Plans?
“Happened a while ago (mid-January) but just thought about it and wanted to ask about it. SO and I are still together and happy.
My SO and I have been together for 2.5 years and are currently doing long-distance. I’m studying abroad this semester and then interning in another city this summer, so I won’t really be back with her until late August/early September.
We started long distance in late December and the first time I get to see her is in April.
The WiFi at my apartment is terrible. I have since figured out a way to make it better but for a month and a half we couldn’t FaceTime with video and WhatsApp/FaceTime audio chopped out many times.
Therefore SO and I, besides using Snapchat, only called and spoke max 3 times a week by phone. Considering that we had spent every day together before, this was a big shock to her…and I guess me as well.
I asked my SO to have a call one day and she said yes. We set a time— it would be evening for her and past midnight for me.
I was fine with that since I wouldn’t be able to talk to her for a few days after that due to other events/conflicts on my end. My friends invited me out that night but I declined because of the call. I get ready for our call when all of a sudden I get a message from her telling me that her close friend from HS had turned up in town and was asking to meet up with her, derailing our plans to have a call.
I was upset for two reasons. One was because we couldn’t do a call, but I was also upset because I felt like she should have called out her friend a bit. This friend had just turned up and asked my SO to hang out without first asking if she was even free/what her plans were.
I know that when I surprise my partner in April and see her, I wouldn’t expect her to drop everything for me. She could have tests, exams, other club commitments, etc. and I’d expect that she honor those things and we’d discuss times to hang out that work around her existing schedule.
My SO refused to call out her friend. In my SO’s defense, she hadn’t seen the friend in years. I can empathize with that— but I know that roles reversed, I would definitely ask my SO for permission to reschedule rather than immediately go along with it, or profusely apologize if I couldn’t be reached (she never really did).
I’d also tell my friend to first ask if I had existing plans next time. So I was hurt when she didn’t do that for me. I ended up telling SO that I was hurt and that I had avoided plans made by my friends just so we could have a call.
My SO told me that my being upset caused her to feel down while having dinner with her friend.
I didn’t mean for her to feel upset and I apologized. We have since moved on but she has never acknowledged that she should have called out her friend for turning up and asking her to dinner (by call out I mean gently tell her to not do that again). AITJ for expecting my to put me over her friend or am I being unreasonable about this?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I get that you guys are doing a long-distance relationship and they are hard to maintain. But you each need to be able to maintain a life outside of your relationship.
You have every right to be disappointed and express that your feelings are hurt. But you need to be able to be flexible if circumstances change.
She didn’t deliberately blow you off. Something came up. Calling dates can be rescheduled easier than an old friend popping by in town.
And I understand that you haven’t been able to talk as much because of technical difficulties. But that’s not your partner’s fault? Was she angry with you when you were unavailable?
Show some maturity and understanding.
Be flexible. Be the person she wants to spend most of her time with. Be as supportive as you want your partner to be for you. You both agreed to long distance because it would provide better opportunities in the future.
Why would your partner want to stay with a guy who is clingy and doesn’t want them to be able to hang out with her friends?
Especially if it’s an opportunity that comes around very rarely?
Don’t let the frustration with being long distance spill into resentment and anger when things don’t go as planned.” Llyndreth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your made plans and she should have honoured that. At the very least she should have discussed it with you, or apologized for inconveniencing you and explained why she felt she needed to prioritize her friend.
She shouldn’t have to always prioritize you, her friends are also important, and it’s ok for her to want to see her good friend.
It’s a little concerning that she is encouraging you to feel guilty for being upset about canceled plans, that’s a legitimate response to the situation. Watch out for that type of behavior, if you notice a pattern of things always being your fault, or you’re always overreacting, or your emotions don’t really matter then you may want to re-evaluate your relationship.” thesewalrus
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk. You are allowed to have hurt feelings. But if you are in this long distance for a while longer, you need to be more flexible. The prospect of physically hanging out with someone you haven’t connected with in a while is usually more enticing than a choppy Skype call with a long-distance SO.
You aren’t a jerk for expecting something different and she isn’t a jerk on this occasion for changing plans.
Word to the wise though- let these little things go. Long distance is hard enough without becoming each other’s fun police.” kvs90
Another User Comments:
“Hate to say it but YTJ. In a long-distance relationship sometimes calls will get canceled. Your partner hadn’t seen her friend in a long time and presumably won’t get to again for a long time.
Your partner should have to miss out visiting an old friend they don’t see often for a phone call? The friend didn’t know about your scheduled call, she was letting your GF know she’s in town. Your partner shouldn’t have to put her life on hold to talk on the phone. It was one call, not something partner does regularly.
Partner also shouldn’t have to “ask if it’s ok with my partner” to hang out with her friends. You also should have contacted your friends and went and hung out with them.” JessVaping
1. AITJ For Keeping A Secret From My Sister?
“Around October last year, my sister’s ex-husband walked out on the family, leaving her and her 3 kids (5 year old twins daughters A and G, and a 6-year-old son, D).
She’s a surgeon, and so she has a varied schedule (sometimes she’ll get called to the hospital in the middle of the night for emergency surgeries). I decided to help her babysit part-time to lessen her burden. I’m currently in university, (24 F) so I’m pretty busy and stressed out too.
So last week, I was babysitting, in the evening time.
I’m studying while keeping a watchful eye on them. But G starts to look a little pale and she’s telling me that her tummy hurts. I send my sister a text abt G and accompany G to the toilet. A and D were in the living room watching TV at that time. And they usually don’t wander around, so I wasn’t too concerned about them.
10 minutes go by. G is crying and screaming and I don’t know what to do. I try comforting her and giving her some medication to take (she tries them but the taste was so gross that she spat them out). Another 10 minutes pass and G is feeling better. We go out to the living room and A and D are gone.
The TV is still playing. I look around the house but they are nowhere.
At this point, I’m panicking. I tuck G in bed and go looking around the neighborhood, calling their names. I do this for 30 minutes, but no luck. I return back to the house and, lo and behold, they’re in the living room again, watching TV, eating ice cream.
There was no ice cream in the house before.
I confiscate the food and interrogate them about where they went. They said that daddy came home, talked to them, and gave them some food.
I sent them to bed. I didn’t want my sister to find out about this because she was already stressed from work and knowing about this happening would freak her out a lot.
But she found out anyways because the kids told her about it.
She confronted me about it. She was very, very angry. She said that I shouldn’t have let him into the home and that I was being negligent and selfish for keeping secrets from her. (But I was just trying not to stress her out unnecessarily, the kids are safe already) I fired back with my reasoning and told her that I was stressed with my uni work and G’s stomachache and that she should be blaming her ex.
Things escalated quickly and I said some nasty things (she said some nasty things to me too). I made comments on her taste in men and her poor life choices. Admittedly, I was very nitpicky. But she called me a bunch of things, like the worst aunt in the world, a booze addict, lots of profanity.
When our mother got wind of this, she called ME the jerk. She said I should’ve been taking care of all the kids, that’s what I was hired to do, but I can’t be everywhere at once and watch them all the time. It was unfortunate but my sister’s ex should be to blame, not me.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, holy crap. You are a bad aunt. Where even to begin? You didn’t hear or notice someone coming in the house? The kids leaving? Or deadbeat dad being in the house? Did you even check the whole house before you left the third child alone (unsecured?!) to go search the neighborhood?
YOU DID CALL THEIR MOTHER?!? You didn’t tell her later? Did you check the house to make sure he was gone? Lock the doors, and windows? How did it not FREAK YOU THE EFF OUT that this man got in and out without you noticing, and you relied on the word of easily manipulated children that he was gone!
And you have the actual GALL to be angry and offended when you rightly got your butt chewed. You deserve more chewing!
I’m submitting a report to have you kicked out of the Aunt club and have your aunt card revoked. You are an actual danger to your niblings, with your arrogant, negligent hubris.
By the grace of god those children didn’t end up kidnapped, you should thank your lucky stars.” miladyelle
Another User Comments:
“Oh man. YTJ. This is not in any way shape or form okay and I’m not sure how you’re defending your actions to yourself. “Well it was only a brief kidnapping so it’s fine if I don’t tell my sister.” I get you didn’t want to worry your sister over something that eventually turned out ok, but this is honestly proof that your judgment can’t be trusted when it comes to her children.” post_faith
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
This was a huge thing not to tell your sister. It’s not that you did anything wrong by taking your eye off the kids for a few minutes. It’s that you lied about something so important.
All you can do now is apologize to your sister and explain that while your intentions were good, you know you went about things in the wrong way and you realize it was wrong.” Ricoret
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