People Need Our Insight On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Threatening To Call The Police On My Mom And Step-Mom?
“My (25F) parents divorced when I was 15 and my mother decided to move to another country. I didn’t follow her because I already had a life here.
She moved back 2 years ago with my step-mom. I visit my mom quite often, but ever since moving to Paris and marrying my SM she has changed a lot.
She’s now hyper-minimalist, which is okay, her choice, but every time I visit her she tries to ‘force’ that life on me. She only owns like 5 changes of clothes, 2 pairs of shoes, barely any furniture, 3 cups (it was 2 but since I visit every Friday-Sunday my mom bought one for me and this ticked off my SM), 3 plates, 3 spoons, etc., etc. My SM was already like this and my mom found the lifestyle ‘adorable’ and joined. My SM hates that I drive a car and that I have ‘too many clothes’.
Anyway, I was the victim of fraud and had my accounts left dry. I had to leave my apartment because I had no way to keep paying it until I saved enough again. My dad’s not around anymore, so I asked my mom if I could stay with them and I said that the max I could pay was 200-400, she invited me rent-free. I wasn’t comfortable with this, so we made a deal where it said I was gonna live there for 4 months rent-free and then I was gonna move out.
I’ve been here for just 4 days, and yesterday when I came back from work I found my room almost completely empty, I quickly ran to my mom and SM and asked what happened.
My mom said that I had ‘too much stuff’ and that’s ‘not how they live’ so they left just the essentials and donated the rest. My sm said that they ‘did me a favor’ because I had so many things it looked like ‘my soul was trapped in this world’ and I said that they had no right and ran to my room panicking.
My mom followed me, but I was so mad. She tried to talk and since I had something like that recently happen to me, I went to my partner’s chat and hit the audio button. I asked my mom to repeat what they did and she did it. I said that I had a recording of her admitting she stole my things and gave them away with her wife and that if she didn’t retrieve them in the following days or compensated me for it, I was gonna call the police on them.
My step-mom called me a jerk, they did retrieve most of my things this morning, but most of my clothes were gone so my mom said we could shop this weekend and she’ll pay for everything. She was so embarrassed and regretful and said sorry a bunch of times because she realized she crossed a boundary, she said my sm began doing it and she only joined. My SM went to sleep somewhere else because she tried to kick me out and my mom didn’t let her (this house is my mom’s) so AITJ?
Maybe I took it too far because they did let me live here rent-free after all I don’t even know if the audio would’ve been proof enough to press charges.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Whenever I read these posts where someone feels entitled to give away/get rid of/donate/sell or however things leave possession and get ‘justified’ with whatever reason, I get so mad!
Even if you think every single thing someone owns is trash, might even be unsalvageable, they need to consent to it getting trashed. In your case: Your mom and SM are probably aware their stance is extreme… so the intolerance is baffling. I’m glad you got a lot of it back, but losing clothes is still sad. The comfort of familiar clothing, of that favorite jeans or sweater, not having decided yourself that it’s time to let the threadbare shirt with some fond memories go, shouldn’t be underestimated. Things are rarely ‘just things’, clutter accumulates for a reason and everyone should get the chance to deal with it in their own time and OWN DECISION of what gets defined as unnecessary clutter.” KMN208
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If the condition of couch surfing there was to live their lifestyle only, they should have said so upfront. A lifestyle is a CHOICE. They took away your choice. Not cool.
Also, I think you mentioned this, they just put you right back in the same position that landed you with no resources, to begin with. They violated your trust and stole from you, as you were trying to recover from someone stealing from you.
Heartless and cold.
It may have been an extreme reaction, but you needed to solve the problem, and you did.
Start looking for another couch surfing option. This isn’t going to end well. Mom’s not going to leave her wife, and you are going to be miserable.” Educational-Food9471
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your Mom’s wife stole from you. It doesn’t matter her reasoning or excuses nor that she donated your stuff.
She stole from you. Calling the police (or threatening to) is completely reasonable.
It’s good your Mom realized her mistake and is trying to rectify it. An apology and amends are what one needs to do when they are in the wrong. You couldn’t expect more than that, other than your SM doing the same.
Don’t allow your SM to harass you anymore while you are staying with them.
Set boundaries with her. Let her know that you will respect her choices in life, but that she needs to accept yours while you are there. Have this conversation in front of your mother and your partner (for your support).
Your SM sounds totally controlling. She wanted her way, she convinced your Mom to do what she wanted. She left when she didn’t get what she wanted. I’d have a conversation with your Mom about her wife’s toxic behavior after you move out.
Stay, save your money, then move out when you are financially stable.” Maybeidon’tknow99
17. AITJ For Firing My Therapist?
“To provide some context, I’ve been experiencing issues relating to equal opportunity and harassment. I am active duty military and have had issues with men making jokes about harming women. This is obviously stressful.
I have been grappling with the idea of leaving the military, and this has added additional stress. I love serving and it makes me sad that I might actually have to leave because I cannot handle this kind of nonsense anymore.
So I started seeing a therapist.
One day my therapist started talking to me about having too high of expectations. Obviously, there is more to this conversation than will fit, but this was the gist. She asked what I was looking for and planning on telling future employers when I started looking for a job. I told her that I would be honest with them and tell them that I wouldn’t tolerate any more of what I’ve already experienced. She responded, ‘it sounds like you will be doing a lot of job hunting.’
This really took me aback and we sat looking at each other in silence because I didn’t know what to say. I finally said I didn’t think what I was asking for was that outlandish. She didn’t really respond and the conversation shifted.
I made a follow-up appointment and then canceled it the next day.
AITJ for not wanting to see her again?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Saying you have high expectations is absurd.
‘She asked what I was looking for and planning on telling future employers when I started looking for a job. I told her that I would be honest with them and tell them that I wouldn’t tolerate any more of what I’ve already experienced.’
She also seems to give bad advice and has poor communication skills.
So it’s best to get a different therapist.
As someone who changed jobs due to a toxic work environment and harassment, I don’t recommend you to say the truth as you are providing here to future employers. You can say a truth that is like ‘Although I love serving, I’m looking to move my career towards X and Y, and grow in those areas’ or something like that, rather than talk about harassment.
When employers ask that question, use it to explain why you want their position and why you are a good fit, not why you are leaving your current job. Don’t spend time talking about something that’s not showcasing your skills and getting you the job.” Coco_Dirchlet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a therapist, I read the title and my immediate answer was ‘no.’ When you are seeing a therapist, you need to feel safe and comfortable discussing very personal information.
It’s important to have a good match. I have blue and pink in my hair and would have absolutely no problem with someone not seeing me on that alone; it probably means we’re not a good match. All of that to say you are never the jerk for firing your therapist.
What you describe, however, is despicable. Your therapist, in dealing with issues in which your safety has been put into question, made therapy unsafe too.
I am appalled by what she said. You should never have to deal with harassment and, in my opinion, she compounded your concerns and likely re-traumatized you. She gives therapy a bad name and you may have grounds for a formal complaint depending on where you live.
Don’t go back to her. See if you can find another therapist. And remember, it is fully reasonable to ask your therapist about their qualifications, experience, and style up front to be sure you get a good match.
Anyone who has a problem with providing professional information is someone you don’t want to see.
On behalf of the profession, I am so sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.” Chrystah88
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The therapist sounded unprofessional. But more importantly, you need to have a therapist you can trust and respect.
On to the other issue: I’m an O-4 in the Navy.
I had 11 years of active duty and 3 years now in the reserves. I am absolutely disgusted and sickened by the experience you have had, and I am sad that your experience is causing you to think about leaving.
How far have you taken this up your chain of command? To your E-7? To your division officer or department head? To your chief of staff? To your XO?
Obviously, you have to start by following the proper chain of command. But if you feel you are not getting proper traction or being taken seriously, you should feel comfortable jumping the chain. Your command should also have an officer who is the program manager for the command equal opportunity program. Find out who they are and bring your issues to them also.
I promise you that your senior leadership will take this seriously, you just have to get it in front of them.
Don’t let your complaints die at the NCO level. Get it in front of the officers and higher.” HarrySeldon85
16. AITJ For Not Sleeping In The Same Bed As My Husband?
“I (22f) and my husband (24m) have only slept in the same bed a handful of times. We’ve been living together for 3 years and married for almost 1. The first month or so of living together was very rough and I barely got any sleep – leading to me always being moody and never wanting to do anything because I was constantly exhausted. I am a VERY light sleeper and it’s very hard for me to fall asleep.
Sometimes it takes a solid hour or two to finally shut down. I wake up multiple times during the night from little noises like doors opening and closing or our dogs making noises.
My husband, however, is a very heavy sleeper and he snores SO loud, often even waking himself up mid-sleep. He can literally fall asleep any time anywhere (and has fallen asleep sitting at family events or out in public if we’re not doing much).
I often tell him (so do my mom and some friends) that this isn’t normal and that he should probably get it checked out, but he refuses because he believes the snoring is probably sleep apnea and they will make him wear a mask with a machine, which he is against. He tells me instead, that I should get a doctor to evaluate me for my sleeping problems. Honestly, we could probably both use that.
But he refuses on his part to do anything. So, for as long as we have been living together I have slept in a different room.
We’ve also tried a couple of different things to help with the snoring like inclining the bed (Tempurpedic for the win), making him wear nose strips, and even me falling asleep first (that didn’t work out most of the time) but absolutely nothing helped or lasted more than a month.
He doesn’t like this situation at all and we have fought about it so many times I’ve lost count. Some of our friends and family think it’s very strange that I have an entirely separate room in my house for myself. Some have asked if we have children what are we going to do then? I’ve never really had an answer for them. I’ve also been told by some people that I’m being dramatic and need to******* up because this isn’t how married people act.
Are they right? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I know of several married couples that have separate bedrooms, and both spouses are perfectly happy with the arrangement. If anything, it allows them to enjoy their relationship more.
However, it sounds like your husband prefers you share a bed. This is an incompatibility that I would address now because it could turn into an issue.
ALSO. SLEEP APNEA KILLS.
I’m not trying to be alarmist, but his symptoms are seriously concerning. Especially falling asleep everywhere; it’s a sign he’s not getting a proper REM cycle. You don’t have to be overweight for sleep apnea; a lot of things can cause it, including issues with the palate, etc. that can be corrected with surgery.
Maybe compromise with him and say you’ll get a sleep study done if he will, too.
IIRC a sleep study is needed to diagnose apnea anyways.
What is it with men and refusing to go to the doctor? No wonder married men live statistically longer than unmarried men.” kittydeathdrop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Couples sleeping in separate rooms is more common than you, your husband, and friends think. Sleep is so important to your mental, emotional, and physical health. So, no, absolutely do not******* up because people think all married couples sleep together.
They are wrong and need to be less narrow-minded. Let’s see how they would handle constantly losing sleep long-term.
What is more important? You being well-rested or fitting some stereotypical sleep situation to appease everyone else? Your friends aren’t losing sleep, and neither is your husband. It’s roughly 8 hours of unconsciousness – your husband is making this a bigger deal than it is. If he wants cuddles at night, then do it for a few minutes before bedtime.
If he wants to connect in the morning, then set the alarm 10 minutes early. You are the one that would lose out by changing your sleep arrangement, so figure out some workarounds.
If sleeping apart works for you, then do it. Being a light sleeper isn’t a symptom of something serious on its own, but if you’d like a sleep study to rule anything out, then go for it.
Your husband needs to ‘get over it’ and see a doctor for his apparent sleep apnea. Wearing a mask that forces oxygen into him is the least of his worries.” SilentCounter6750
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Sleeping in separate rooms is the CORRECT solution to this when your sleeping styles are this incompatible.
Your husband refuses to address his sleep issues to make sleeping easier for you.
And when you do sleep in the same room, you sleep terribly and are moody and low energy all day.
You might benefit from medication to make falling asleep easier but as you are naturally a very light sleeper, this is unlikely to be enough for him to not wake you up.
You should go to the doctor for your own benefit but refuse to sleep in the same room as him unless he addresses his sleep issues.
You do not enjoy being moody and low energy and refuse to make yourself moody and low energy so that he can enjoy you being in the same bed as him for all of 5 minutes before falling asleep.
His preference for you sharing a bed doesn’t override your NEED for sleep and your preference of not being moody and drained all day.” EnergyThat1518
15. AITJ For Refusing To Have A Relationship With My Parents?
“I (17F) think I might be the jerk in this.
My parents (53F and 49M) have been prioritizing my brother (23M) for 5 years. I have never been really close to them, but my brother has always been.
It started when he was accepted in preparatory class to become a vet: it was so selective that he would have to give up any kind of social life and work 24/7 to get into his dream school at the end of the two years.
He would only come home on weekends and spent his time studying. My father (physics & chemistry teacher) would always stay with him to help. Being 13 and naïve, I thought it was temporary… But my mom started sticking with them, although she didn’t work in this field (therefore couldn’t help), and they were all pushing me away. They were so focused on my brother’s studies that they forgot me.
They sent me to my room when I would try and ask them something, claiming that I was disrupting them and too noisy. I just wanted someone to help me with my math, for like 5 minutes! They would exclude me from conversations at dinner, only talking between them about my brother’s homework. Naturally, I started isolating myself in my room, feeling that I was no longer welcome in my home.
I became cold and distant, not talking to them (only good morning/night), and learned to be on my own. They wouldn’t even notice when I didn’t show up all day anyway.
2 years later my brother got into his dream school. I was really happy for him. He now lived 800 km (~ 500 miles) from us, and only called my parents twice a week. Seeing that their favorite child left, they realized that they had 2 children and tried to reconnect with me.
I, being full of hate (yes) towards them, decided not to play along and refused their offer.
They have been calling me ungrateful and selfish for standing my ground. I told them for the first time how I felt, and they were furious at my attention-seeking, thinking I was accusing my brother of this. I hold them responsible for it!
I thought about it for a while and I don’t want them in my life ever.
If they were not related to me, I wouldn’t trust them as friends or even tolerate them (narcissistic, only feel good by criticizing others, and are fatphobic. Being quite heavy, I get remarks almost daily). I would intend on cutting contact with them as soon as I can, but it would also mean with my brother too. I love him very much, it would be unbearable not to see him.
I think they are horrible people, but they are my parents. AITJ for not wanting any relationship with them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your feelings are valid. Unfortunately, your parents will not change sooner or later because they don’t feel any kind of remorse or regret, and likely, you will be hurt over and over if you don’t set boundaries very well. Focus on yourself not only about your own self-esteem and self-confidence but also about your priorities, and your dreams to become completely independent.
One step at a time. Limited contact with your parents doesn’t mean that you will have to do the same with your brother. You could have a healthy relationship with your brother and limited contact with your parents. Hope you could be involved in therapy, so you could heal the emotional wounds they have inflicted on you. Best wishes.” 11arwen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When parents play favorites, they risk alienating the less-favored child(ren).
Your parents deliberately alienated you and are now wondering what your problem is. Truth be told, your problem is their emotional absence. They pushed you away. Your hurt is palatable and a logical response to their spurn. They feel guilty for their actions and when you rejected their attempts at reconnection, they become angry (anger and guilt are interesting emotions when it comes to psychology because they are mutually exclusive).
Their words were meant to guilt you to assuage their anger at your refusal to return to a norm that was emotionally damaging. Your reaction is healthy. You’re setting boundaries with people who wronged you.
P.S. your brother is an adult and you’ll be one soon, your parents can’t be gatekeepers for your fraternal relationship.” nikkesen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It must have been horrible to be cast out while living under the same roof.
While your current feelings are very raw, keep in mind there are more choices than cutting them off or forgiving them completely. You can accept to see them every now and then for holidays and choose what you share with them. There’s a large difference between seeing people socially and having a meaningful relationship with them. Eventually, you’ll find what’s right for you.” tcbymca
And then my mother had twins when I was 10, and whatever attention my sister did not get went to them. It went so far that, despite still being in that rural area, they refused to help me get my license, despite enabling the other three to do so before they were out of their teens. I only recently managed to arrange to get mine, well into my 30s. I do still interact with my siblings and my mother, but I can't say I would be too upset by having any of them drop out of my life, except for possibly my only brother, because my parents are still toxic and my two sisters are very self-entitled. So, no, the only jerks here are the parents, and they are not entitled to anything. It's good though, that his brother at least seems decent.
14. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Husband's Family?
“My (37F) husband (39M) and I have been together for almost 10 years.
We have two sons (6M and 8M) together and I have a daughter (12F) from a previous relationship, but my husband takes her as his own.
My husband’s family lived close so he often visited them. I always stayed home because his family didn’t like me. I didn’t have a problem with that, but it bothered me that they always preferred our two sons to our daughter because she’s not biologically related to them.
My husband and I talked to them about it a few times, and they promised to stop, but they still do it.
Seven months ago my husband, our kids, and I moved really far from my husband’s family. We sent them a lot of photos for the first two months and often called them, but they were always only interested in our sons. Although my daughter wanted to talk to them, they only wanted to talk to our sons.
When we sent them photos of things other than our sons (such as photos of the sea, our dogs, or us with our friends), they said they didn’t like these photos and that we should send photos of our sons.
Yesterday I wrote them a message saying that I am really mad at them because I cared about the mental health of our daughter and they should stop rejecting her and because I do not like how they reject other things than photos of our sons.
This morning my sister-in-law texted my husband that I was acting stupid and that it wasn’t that bad so I texted her that if she doesn’t like how I act she should tell me and not my husband. She didn’t reply.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Does your daughter’s dad’s side pay attention to your sons? I think it’s a weird expectation that your husband’s family would take on your daughter the same way they take on the boys.
Sure, they shouldn’t be mean, but it’s normal for a bio family to get different treatment than a stepfamily from an extended family. My dad remarried & had my little brother. His grandparents speak to me but we weren’t close and they didn’t give me gifts and the kind of attention they give my little bro. Just like my maternal family do for us and not my little bro.
Being polite is all they should be doing. Why would they be calling to talk to your daughter? I don’t think you’re a jerk but your expectations seem unrealistic. NTJ.” usernametaken6000
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I’m sorry, but your daughter is not their grandchild. Just because her paternal family is not in her life doesn’t mean that the responsibility should fall on your husband’s family.
They should never treat her badly, but they aren’t required to pick up the slack. When your husband married you he took on the responsibility to take care of your daughter. That was his decision, but his family didn’t make the same choice.
Just stop sending them those useless pics, they just want updates about the babies, not about the sea or the dogs. Trying to cause problems between your husband and his family is why probably they never liked you.” KingOfDarkness_CB
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s none of your SIL’s business. Your family unit is just that… a family! Your in-laws don’t seem to agree or understand that, obvious in how they treat you and your daughter. If they can’t be respectful and love everyone in the home, then they can just not get pictures of anyone at all. Now might be the time to draw harder lines in the sand.
No way should they be getting away with treating you and your daughter like that.” ERCalm
13. AITJ For Almost Being A Third Wheel?
“I (17M) have a friend (18M) who I’ve known for 6-ish years. We’ve always been pretty close and he’s just gotten his first partner. Naturally, I was happy for him and I wanted to meet her. I didn’t want to push his boundaries at all or anything so I never really brought up meeting her more than once or twice over the past couple of months in a passing comment.
A week or two ago I was hanging out with said friend before school, and we both have first block spares. I asked what he was planning on doing first, to which I expected the usual answer of ‘studying’, but this time he said he was going for coffee. Not realizing he already had plans to go with someone I said ‘Can I tag along?
I forgot to get breakfast so I’m kind of hungry.’ He then told me ‘(partner) is gonna come.’ I told him ‘That’s fine, I don’t mind, it’ll be nice to meet her’ and then the bell rang so he didn’t say anything else we just walked up to his locker.
I feel I may be the jerk because up until this point I assumed he was okay with me coming despite the fact that he didn’t say yes or no. We then walked to my locker and I noticed he seemed a bit annoyed and I, not putting two and two together, asked ‘Is something wrong?’
My friend then didn’t say anything for a second, he stopped and sighed and said ‘can’t you just like go to the cafeteria or something? Or like go to the office and hang out in there with admin if you don’t wanna be lonely, I don’t really care what you do, just don’t do it with me and (SO)!’
This caught me by surprise because in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never snapped at me like that.
Now I wasn’t intending to ‘play the victim’ but I’m a very emotionally sensitive person due to my Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) that comes with my ADHD and I started tearing up, but not wanting to cause a scene or anything I just said ‘yeah okay that’s fine’ and left.
My Friend hasn’t really spoken to me very much since then and I’m worried I really upset him but I also feel it’s a little unfair to get mad at me over something involving third-wheeling I didn’t even know about.
Now I fully expect I’m the jerk here, but I am not always very good at self-reflection so I’ve come to get some second opinions.”
Another User Comments:
“While I don’t think you should’ve assumed it was an okay when he didn’t say anything, he shouldn’t have responded the way he did. He didn’t want you to go, and he should’ve been explicit about it when you first asked. Like when he said his partner was coming, he could’ve just told you he wanted it to be just the two of them.
This is all speculation, but he seems insecure if he doesn’t want to introduce you to his partner. Or maybe he thinks you’d try something with her.
Bottom line, he seems to be overreacting based on just this interaction.
NTJ.” I-amnotreallyhere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. All high school relationships become honeymoon phases where the two people cut out others and just want to spend time together.
You weren’t trying to 3rd wheel, you just wanted to meet his SO.
This is just an awkward time in everyone’s life. This seems like a very low-importance moment so I’d just continue on without thinking about it too much.” Throwaway01234456
Another User Comments:
“It wasn’t hard for him to just say, ‘I think you misunderstood before. I meant that I was meeting my partner, so I’d rather you didn’t tag along.’ Or he could have said ‘No, sorry’ the first time.
He needs to chill out and use his words before he gets frustrated at others for not understanding him being vague. NTJ.” Extension_Ad_972
12. AITJ For Snapping At My Mom For Not Letting My Friend Stay Over?
“So my best friend and I (both 14), let’s call her Sam, had our last sleepover at my house over a year ago. She used to come over at least once every week.
During our last sleepover, my little brother was screaming at us and throwing plastic bricks – So we boarded up the door, and he kind of just sat there screaming.
We tried to ignore him and carry on with our day. Later that same sleepover, Sam pulled out a garlic-bread butter and we went and bought a loaf of bread. We came home and made some garlic bread and offered some to my brother and my mother. My brother accepted, but my mother didn’t.
But my mother started saying no when I asked if Sam could come over.
After around three months of this, I asked her what was going on.
She told me that Sam was acting rude the last time she was over and that she didn’t want her interacting with my brother. Apparently, he overheard a swear word while listening in on our conversation. She also didn’t like how we boarded the door with a chair when he was throwing stuff at us.
She also thought that it was rude how Sam ate the garlic bread and offered some to my brother and me when dinner was being made. Sam also left without thanking her for being allowed to stay over.
She said that Sam was no longer allowed to be at our house. I wasn’t allowed to tell Sam this and had to make up an excuse every time she wanted to come over.
When my mom would pick me up from Sam’s house she would make these offhanded comments about me being there all the time and eating all their food.
Over the Summer, my mother also started saying things like how Sam’s parents were trying to steal me away, and how they didn’t really care about me. I’ve known Sam and her parents since I was in kindergarten, and her parents have said they love me like a child before.
I made some new friends – Terry and Amy. I asked my mom if they could come over and she said yes. I asked her if Sam could sleep over, and she said no.
That brings us to today. Sam and Amy have been talking a lot and we were thinking about all hanging out together at my house. My mother said no right away.
I told her that she was treating Sam unfairly. It was nearly a year ago that she did these things, and that my mother was being unfair by not letting her come over to our house. I also told her that it was unfair of her to guilt-trip me about being at Sam’s house when Sam isn’t allowed in ours.
She then told me that she’s letting me at Sam’s because she donated a large sum of money to them when they needed it for Sam’s sister, and without that, she would make me pay for dinner every time I went over there, which she already sometimes makes me do.
I just sort of blew up and shouted at her. She told me that I had no right to use that tone with her under her own roof and that she and my brother deserved to feel safe.
I don’t think I did much wrong but she seems sure that this is all mine and Sam’s fault. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“At the end of the day, your mom does have the right to set rules about who enters her house.
Even if you think she is wrong.
That being said, you also have the right to choose your friends. I think you and your friend group would be better off hanging out at anyone’s house but yours since Sam will always be excluded there.
I think your mom is very much in the wrong to expect you to lie to Sam about this. She is worried about how this will make her look to Sam’s parents.
She has no right to control their opinion of her. If I were you, I’d be honest with Sam about why she can’t come over.
Based on the information in this post, it seems that your mom is way overreacting to very minor issues. If there were problems between the kids, or her being upset dinner was ruined, etc…she was the adult in the house.
She should have dealt with the issue. Avoiding directly confronting an issue, then banning Sam (who had no knowledge she’d offended your mom) was very petty.
NTJ.” TurbulentSituation79
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Wow. I really want to know what your mother has against Sam. Purely based on the context, Sam isn’t even close to rude. You were justified in boarding up the door since I assume you told your brother to stop and he didn’t.
I’m assuming neither of you would intentionally swear in front of your brother. And a little garlic bread before dinner never hurt anyone as far as I know. I’m sure you all ate what your mom made, so I don’t know what the problem would be.
The fact that she doesn’t want you to tell Sam why she’s not allowed over reminds me of my mom—most worried about how other people see her.
Perhaps she has something against Sam’s family in general?
What I’m really confused about is what about Sam makes her feel ‘unsafe’ since you can apparently go over there without her. Also, if she hasn’t met these other girls, how does she know that they’re ‘safe’?” I-amnotreallyhere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. To be honest, your mom sounds very manipulative. It’s unhealthy the way she is trying to isolate you from a caring friend.
Most parents would be happy to know their child has support outside of their 4 walls. My advice, keep your head down and know that you don’t have many years left under her roof. This sounds like a battle you’re not going to win with your mom. You’re not going to be able to convince her that Sam is a good person. So don’t waste your breath.
Hang at her house when you can. Good luck kid.” Severe_Soft_8987
11. AITJ For Making My Friends Pay For Themselves?
“My friends Presley (18f), Sam (18f), Rose (17f), Natalie (17f), and I (19f) are all planning a trip together before we move away to go to college. I was the one who suggested the trip and we have all put our own ideas into making this trip great.
For context, I come from a middle-class family and I am very fortunate to have the money I do, however, I wouldn’t consider my family wealthy as both my parents are educators and I have a large family. Because of this, I have been raised to not tie worth to monetary value. I have learned and grown up paying less and creating more.
My friends however all come from wealthier families.
They don’t look twice at a price tag and they tend to forget that money isn’t unlimited.
One other thing to note is that I am paying for college and this trip on my own, while my friends are getting money from their parents.
From the beginning, Natalie has taken charge. I would try to suggest budget-friendly options for our trip, and she’s shut it down and made decisions without my input.
(I found a hotel for $80 a night, and she booked a vacation home for $148 a night, I would suggest buying things to make sandwiches on our road trip, she said we’d eat out every night, etc.)
Well, our trip is next week and Natalie told me today that the others had agreed that we’d all use one card to pay on the trip and add up all the money we spend and split it 5 ways.
They brought this idea up a while ago before we started booking things and making shopping lists and I agreed to let them use my card. They said we’d use my card (which is fine) because I am the only one with a credit card, plus I get Cashback and bonuses. (And I have enough money, so it’d help my credit score). I would be totally fine with this if they would consider the cheaper options that I suggested. If they went with every idea I suggested we’d each be spending $200 give or take, but with Natalie’s suggestions, we’ll be hitting $400 or so.
I have told them that I am not comfortable with this and would rather we all pay for ourselves. This way I can buy cheaper food and stuff, and they could get what they wanted. They all are telling me to relax a little bit and loosen up. They said I’m ruining plans and stressing them out by changing things last minute. In a few days we’re supposed to be shopping for snacks but I told them we need to buy things separately.
So. AITJ for agreeing to pay for my friends and let them pay me back, but changing my mind when I realized how much they were planning to spend?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I find it VERY interesting that you’re middle class with a credit card and they are upper class without one. How do they buy things that they want or get?
As I tell my own kid, the limit of what you can loan a friend is what you are comfortable with never getting back.
For some friends, it’s no more than $20. I really don’t like the idea of you putting everything on YOUR card. If you are going to, you need to have a contract that states what everyone is responsible for. You need to have a date when all the money needs to be paid back. You need to have everyone give you some money upfront. If you’re renting the vacation house, you need to have a separate deposit for that.
Since it’s your card if something in that place got damaged it’s on you to fit or be responsible for.
I know this trip is important to you, and it seems your parents have given you the financial speech. But remember if you tank your credit score now it’s going to take you years to fix it. If you yourself wanted an apartment in college, you won’t be able to get one on your own.
You won’t be able to get a car. Honey, no friends are worth it.
If you decided you didn’t want to go because of this yeah they would probably be all upset. But I also think that they would still go, and somehow magically things would get paid WITHOUT your credit card.” Reading4Drama
Another User Comments:
“When I was 19, I got a credit card and used it to travel.
Then I couldn’t pay it off and ended up settling the debt 6 years later for about triple what I originally owed because of interest. I strongly recommend you go easy with the credit card purchases and do NOT use it to pay for the whole trip unless they Venmo you the funds at the table before you pay for dinner. The disrespect they’ve shown so far doesn’t speak well of their overall intent.
Costco has some great affordable group travel plans for 18-35-year-olds. Built-in travel companions at an affordable price.
NTJ.” InkStinkPurple_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get paying for the hotels on one credit card, but not anything else. Here’s another way to look at it – when traveling there’s always a good chance something can happen. Your credit card company suspects fraud from all these charges and freezes the account (so you get to spend time on the phone fixing that), the car breaks down and now you’ve got to deal with the repair bill, someone decides they want to charge a bunch of stuff that puts you near your limit, etc. Everyone should have multiple ways to pay for things themselves.
Debit cards, credit cards, cash, Venmo, etc. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. The real truth of the matter though is if your friends don’t understand the value of money there’s going to be at least one who waits forever to pay you. I’d make everyone pay for the hotels before you even leave also.” MacaronDeep1014
10. AITJ For Not Wanting A Wedding Per My Mother-In-Law's Wish?
“My husband (31) and I (27) legally registered our marriage around one and a half years ago. We live in Korea, where he is from, and his parents have liked me from the beginning.
They have been always very caring and try to include me in family outings, etc. I have had no issues with them, and they have been understanding of my awkward and shy personality so far.
We recently met them for dinner and my mother-in-law asked me multiple times about how I feel about having a wedding both in my home country and here. This was not the first time she asked my opinion on the topic and I have always sternly expressed that I have no desire for a wedding as I generally dislike being in the spotlight, it was never my dream to be dressed pretty and the whole idea of organizing a wedding, spending huge amounts of money (that we currently cannot afford) and participating in it in front of 100+ people causes me stress more than anything.
My husband never cared about having a wedding, he doesn’t feel strongly about it either way. He also agrees that the money is better spent elsewhere.
Every other time we had that conversation before (and there have been multiple) my MIL would seem accepting of my stance, this time she rebutted with ‘I know you don’t need that wedding, but we do’ after which she informed me that they (her and my FIL) want to hold the wedding, they will cover the cost and they want it to happen either this fall or at the latest next spring.
She said that she wants to start informing her friends and family about it and to make sure to tell my parents so that one of them attends (flying in from Europe).
I was taken aback and I don’t do well in conflict, so I just nodded and said something neutral as in ‘I understand your point and I will talk to my parents,’ but it really ruined my mood for the rest of the evening even though I am usually excited to see my parents.
I feel disrespected by this idea of forcing me to take part in a celebration that will only make me uncomfortable and that I was glad to have dodged so far. On top of it, I don’t have very close friends in Korea who could provide support during the wedding, as I know they are not necessarily in a financial position to fly themselves here.
My parents would be here but their presence alone wouldn’t make it less lonely and I would be exposed to a hall of people I mostly don’t know.
So, AITJ for not wanting to do the wedding as per my MIL’s wish?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in European standards but YTJ in Korean standards.
If you live in Korea and want to have any kind of positive long-term relationship with your Korean in-laws, you’re having that wedding.
I don’t think you quite grasp just yet HOW collectivist and traditional Korean culture is in regards to milestone events like weddings – and it’s inescapable when you can’t use the excuse of living abroad. It won’t be just your in-laws expecting it – it’ll be your coworkers, acquaintances, and even your not-so-close friends. It is literally unfathomable to the regular Korean person in Korea to not have a wedding if you’re a happy hetero couple and your folks are paying.
It’s so out there that you’ll literally be perceived as off your rocker or having some kind of vendetta against your Korean in-laws and will be seen as disrespecting them and Korean culture because you see your Europeanness as superior and won’t just grin and bear it for the family just for a day.
You have to shake off your western lens here. Weddings in Confucian societies like Korea aren’t about Bride’s Special Expensive Day – it’s about a union of families, community bonding, and yes, showing off to your community (reputation and ‘face’).
It really and truly ISN’T about you – you’re just the excuse. It is what it is. You holding out will not be a heroic strike against rigid Confucian norms and Personal Boundaries – it doesn’t work like that.
You will absolutely devastate your in-laws if you keep refusing. It’ll be shameful for them and they WILL be judged harshly by their community and done so constantly.
Have you lived in Korea long enough to fully grasp how unforgiving and relentless the gossip mill is and how truly damaging it can be? I feel like you have luckily been sheltered from it because you’re visibly white/foreign. The reason of ‘but I’m uncomfy with parties’ really doesn’t cut it in Korean society here for major events like weddings.
Your in-laws don’t seem demented, so in my opinion just negotiate with them about keeping it smaller and make your fiancé do the actual heavy lifting here, not you.
He’s Korean, he’s the son, it’s his parents – he should be the one negotiating with them on your behalf.” mignyau
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you are in Korea and are basically forcing your in-laws to be the gossip of the year. Korea is insane when it comes to gossip, no other country is quite like it except for maybe some other Asian countries.
Unlike in Europe and the states, the wedding ISN’T YOUR DAY. It is NOT for the bride. It quite literally is for the families. The joining of the two families and bonding. You just have to be there….
You wouldn’t ever be the jerk for saying no in Europe or western countries. You 100% are the jerk here since you’re not only marrying into a Korean family, YOU’RE LIVING IN THEIR COUNTRY.
The whole town is going to mock your in-laws and family. I would bet they would say something like ‘she thinks she’s so much better than us she can’t even have a wedding because she can’t be bothered with us peasants’ ‘She must hate her husband and his family’ ‘Does it even count as a marriage without a wedding? He’s basically single’ ‘How’s your son’s semi-wife doing?’
S*****t up. Unlike anywhere else Asian weddings, especially Korean, aren’t for you. It isn’t a moment where you can be a bridezilla. The whole wedding is for them. It’s their day in Korea. Not yours. If you don’t want a second one in your home country, 100% acceptable, but not having one there is worse than straight-up assaulting your in-laws. At least that would likely be provoked. This is saying they’re good people and it’s like you’re crapping on their graves even though you claim you liked them.” lolthrowawat1234
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not wanting to do it, but it’s probably important to them because they’ve been going to the weddings of their bosses and friends and acquaintances’ children and giving gifts to them for years and it’s also understandable to me that they would want you to have one to get some of that money back, as well as show off to everyone that their kid is successful and happy.
I don’t think you should do it if you don’t want to, but I also don’t think a Korean wedding will involve so much dressing you up like a doll as people in the comments assume. They just want an excuse to call everyone they know, show off their lovely family, get some money back, eat at a buffet, etc.
Like I absolutely don’t think you should have to, but I also don’t think they realize the difference in how a wedding is perceived between cultures lol.
You’re not the absolute star of the day in a Korean wedding – to them, it’s as much theirs as it is yours. But that doesn’t mean their culture is more important and you have to follow their desire either. Just different.” No-Muffin-1490
Another User Comments:
“So there’s an excellent comment on here pointing out that there’s a whole cultural context that those of us who aren’t Korean and don’t live in Korea or speak Korean don’t understand.
But you do live in Korea, live in the culture, presumably speak Korean, and have chosen to marry a Korean man which means you have chosen to embrace this culture.
And from what I’ve learned from the comments, your in-laws have been very gentle with you & their son but they must have been having a tough few years with you two being married with no wedding in terms of how that affects their culture and social circle.
And they are trying to gently and graciously say, ‘this is how it’s done here and it needs to be done so we’re willing to plan & pay for everything, please just invite your family and who you’d like & tell us what you want and show up.’
Work with your in-laws to make it more manageable for you. But given the cultural context, YTJ for not putting that context in the post and not making a compromise to honor your Husband’s culture and return your in-laws’ welcome.” excel_pager_420
9. AITJ For Crying When My Friend Told Me He Couldn't Attend An Event?
“My friend and I, let’s call him B, have known each other for about a year and a half and have grown really close.
We do everything together like going to our favorite bar, going to his house, and having movie nights. Going to my work’s happy hours and taking a few out-of-town trips together. B puts in all the effort as a partner but doesn’t want to put a label on it or make it official and it’s a joke with all my friends.
A few months ago, my work sent out an email that they’ll be hosting an event for one of our biggest clients and I get free tickets to the event.
I sent a text to a couple of my friends that might be interested in going with me and sent a separate text to B because he’s been with me to this type of event before and he said that ‘it shouldn’t be an issue and he looks forwarding to going.’ So I got the tickets and booked a hotel for all of us to stay in since it’s out of town.
A couple of weeks ago, B’s house was put on the market and sold. I already knew B was moving not too far from his current place and I’m excited to see his new place. I’ve brought him moving boxes, I’ve asked if he needs me to help him move stuff to the new place and I’ve been trying to support and relieve some stress from him since B has been very stressed lately but what shocked me was they scheduled an inspection the same weekend as the event with my work.
He told me that he wouldn’t be able to make it because he wanted to be there for the inspection since he works remotely and he has very expensive equipment and pets.
When he told me this, I instantly burst into tears. Prior to him telling me he couldn’t attend, my two other friends texted me that they will not be coming on Sunday and will only come on Saturday and won’t be staying at the hotel I booked in advance for everyone.
Also, I went to the doctor at the beginning of that week and I got some test results back that I wasn’t expecting. I’ve been stressed with this news and with work getting ready for the event. So I was looking forward to sharing this event with B since a lot of sad things happened and now that he wasn’t going just made all my emotions come out.
I asked him if he could push it back till next week since I’ve already had the tickets and paid a lot for the hotel and I didn’t want my money to go to waste for me to go alone and he said the buyer really wanted to do it this weekend. I continued to cry which made B mad. He told me that I wasn’t being supportive and he said ‘That’s the way the cookie crumbles and I thought you would be a good friend and understand and support me.’ I’ve told him I understood the situation but it’s frustrating that I couldn’t spend it with him with all the drama happening in one week.
Plus with all the money I’ve spent and everyone backing out.
He apologized and said he took what I was saying the wrong way. I’m still hurt by his words so AITJ? Did I overreact by crying?”
Another User Comments:
“I think in that kind of situation, you should try to be quick to say ‘Sorry, I’m not just crying about this, I have a lot going on and I guess it all just hit me,’ because it does seem like you acted as though he was doing something wrong, which he just wasn’t.
However, if one of my best friends broke down in front of me like this, my first response wouldn’t be defensive anger. I’m glad he apologized for that because it did seem like an over-reaction. Maybe there’s a bigger reason he was so primed to jump to anger in this situation.
But there seems to be a bigger issue under all this. You decided to include the fact that he acts like a partner, but doesn’t want the label.
You could have simply called him your best friend, but you obviously felt that your pseudo-relationship dynamic was relevant to the conflict. I think the big danger with these dynamics is the emotional stakes and the expectations escalate, but nobody’s communicating about them. Like you expected him to prioritize you over something important, but I don’t think you’d expect your other friends to in the same way.
Maybe I’m wrong, but it sounds like the reason this small conflict feels like such a big deal, is to do with a mismatch of feelings and expectations about the nature of your relationship, or it starting to reach a tipping point where it isn’t sustainable in its current form.
I’m gonna say NTJ because he got snappy but apologized after, and while you’re still feeling hurt, you’re trying to work through it, not make it his problem.” Extension_Ad_972
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Not in a harsh way but you are being somewhat inconsiderate of B and how he is also dealing with moving and things right now. It can be disappointing and sorry you got bad news/results but try not to overthink it and move on and know that there was a valid reason he didn’t/couldn’t go and maybe you can go somewhere another time together to make up for it.
I do think you should apologize because it was a bit selfish for you to cry to him about it and possibly make him feel bad. Also if you consider him partner material and he isn’t making any moves to commit then you can’t hold on to him forever (idk how old you are or if you are in any rush but just saying… at some point he needs to commit if you guys are gonna be serious together).” lemonademouthstan
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you continue to hold his words against him.
You got upset, he got upset, he apologized and you’re…. holding it against him.
To burst into tears immediately on hearing the bad news would have put a lot of pressure on him. He’s also stressed. You asked him to move it, he said he can’t, and you just continued to cry.
Having feelings is one thing and it’s ok to be sad but it doesn’t seem like you said ‘ok I get it I’m just sad’ at the same time, you just kept crying at him. Of course, that’s going to feel like more pressure on him.
So he’s right, you weren’t being supportive at that moment.
You finally explained your feelings and then he apologized.
Accept the apology and move on.” Left-Car6520
Another User Comments:
“Very soft YTJ.
He is selling his home, which is a very stressful process. He needed to be there for the inspection. He had a very valid reason to miss out on your event. It’s not like he canceled to attend someone else’s BBQ or something trivial. This was very important for him.
But I think the bigger issue here is that you are in love with B, who sees you only as a friend.
You two see your relationship through very different lenses. I am guessing you are hopeful this will turn into a romantic relationship. But after 1 1/2 years, I don’t think he’s on the same page.” TurbulentSituation79
8. AITJ For Asking My Mom To Ask For Permission Before Taking Photos?
“I (18NB) have severe anxiety and don’t like people taking photos of me without my knowledge or permission.
Turning around and being caught off guard by a camera pointing at me makes me extremely uncomfortable. I first told my mother this and asked her to tell me before taking photos of me around six months ago, and she got annoyed and told me that no, she made me, so she gets to take photos of me. She told me that it ‘ruins the spontaneity,’ and continued to take pictures of me without my knowledge or permission.
I was annoyed but tried to brush it off since, in the grand scheme of things, it’s such a minor issue. However, despite me repeatedly reminding her that it makes me uncomfortable, she continues to do it, and her repeated disregard of this boundary that seems so reasonable to me makes me upset.
Today, I was getting my first full driver’s license at the DMV.
I was really excited, but as I put my face in the vision testing thing (I don’t know how to describe it, it’s like a full-face set of binoculars?), I hear a camera click. I take my face out of the machine and see my mother holding up her phone, having taken a picture of me while I was taking the test. I get annoyed and simply say, ‘Ask.’ She gets an angry look on her face and walks away.
When we get into the car, she immediately starts raising her voice at me (she tells me not to use the word ‘yell’ because it makes her upset), telling me I ‘suck the joy out of things’ when I ask for permission and that I shouldn’t have scolded her in public. The place was pretty empty save for the employee in front of us, but I get her point and I apologized for scolding her in public.
I was just annoyed, and it slipped. I did, however, reiterate my request that she asks for permission. She gets furious and proceeds to lecture me for the rest of the drive, again telling me that this was supposed to be fun and I had ruined it.
My grandmother lives at home with us, so I told her what happened and asked her opinion on it.
She said I was in the wrong because it really wasn’t a big deal, and if it was anyone else she would understand, but it was my mother, and I should just let it go because she has a right to take pictures of me and it wasn’t worth starting an argument.
I’m really confused and honestly annoyed. I feel silly for feeling so disrespected by this, but it’s such a simple request. It takes two seconds to ask permission and then she gets to commemorate the moment, and I get to not feel uncomfortable.
And I wasn’t angry; I just said one word, ‘ask,’ to remind her of my request. I agree that I should’ve waited until after we left or just dropped it this time, but if she would have apologized or just gone ‘Oops, my bad,’ I would’ve accepted it and it would have been over. I’m so confused at this point. AITJ for asking my mother to ask permission before taking photos of me, and AITJ for getting annoyed when she doesn’t?”
Another User Comments:
“Your request is completely reasonable. Your mother is 100% in the wrong.
NTJ.
She knows her incessant picture-taking is intrusive and annoying but keeps on doing it. Her reasoning ‘I made you, so I get to disregard anything you ask of me’ is arrogant and selfish, and entitled. It’s so disrespectful for her to say this to you, like your autonomy, your personhood, is nonexistent.
It is ignorant for her to say this to you. You have the right to be furious at her, and to let your anger show.
Do not shout or curse, but tell her quietly, ‘Do not point a camera at me ever again until you’ve asked my permission and I’ve given it. I hate that you disregard what I’ve asked. You are the one who sucks all the joy out of things by constantly trampling on this easy, simple boundary. Stop doing this. Stop ruining things.’
You are not at fault here. Your mother is doing something that very selfish people do to their children: She thinks you should feel the same way she does about everything, and when you do not share her pleasure, she takes it as an attack on her.” NoxWild
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Being your parent does not entitle anyone to your discomfort! Parents ARE NOT entitled to photos, conversations, physical touch, etc. Especially if it makes their child uncomfortable.
ESPECIALLY when you are legally an adult!!!
It isn’t ‘no big deal’, it is something that is uncomfortable and triggering for you.
Consent is a huge deal. You should not take photos of someone without their consent, and should especially not take photos when someone has told you that they do not grant blanket consent.
You may want to speak to a trusted other adult, counselor, or therapist about your discomfort, about how to continue to set and maintain boundaries, as well as strategies when your boundaries are breached. Ideally, someone like this could help mediate a conversation with your mom so she learns to understand consent and respect boundaries, but that’s ultimately up to her if she is willing to engage.
You’re in no way wrong and I’m sorry your mom is so disrespectful.” KkSquish17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you get to feel the way you want to feel about having your picture taken, and folks need to back off. It’s also pretty rich that you can’t use the word ‘yell’, but she can do whatever she likes with your image.. kind of telling about the relationship dynamic there.
She has ZERO rights to do things to you or with you.
My mom also hated pictures, and once cell phone cameras became a thing she was very adamant about not getting caught in shots. I finally had a conversation with her about it, that the pictures I take aren’t for social media or to share. I don’t even let other people see them. But we both knew that she wasn’t going to be with us for much longer, and I wanted to have something to remind me of when she felt good and we were having fun.
I promised not to make her look at them and that she wouldn’t know when I took them, and I wouldn’t flaunt them around. The situation is way different, but my being willing to have the conversation in an open way led us to an agreement.” baboonontheride
7. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Old Fashioned Teacher?
“This has been happening since I started high school. In my country, every class has a teacher assigned to take care and look after them for the 4-year period until the class finishes.
So, two years ago when I started high school I honestly had no idea what crazy things awaited me. I, 18 female, have been diagnosed with depression and anger issues as well as PTSD. This is not trying to excuse my behavior as I do actively work on managing my emotions and try to avoid outbursts at school.
My teacher, 57 female, is a bit old-fashioned and is big on making comments about anything we do wrong.
Today we were talking about an incident in which the French teacher saw me smoking with some friends before school started (no I wasn’t even near the school, I had at least a 10-minute walk from there to the gates) and she decided it was so bad that she had to tell my teacher (I also have asthma and have had it for the past 6 years).
Now, I have told my teacher several times that it’s my health, my money, and my (informed) choice to smoke although I have lied to her that I stopped smoking just to get her off my back. The breaking point was bringing the fact that my mom also cared about my health to which the following conversation started:
Me: I’m sorry but you do not know my medical past and why I even have asthma.
Also, it’s my body and my health that I’m ruining.
Teacher: But with your illness, you shouldn’t even be around smoke!
Me: It’s just asthma! If I want to mess up my health I will do so! As to the fact that my mom cares, she doesn’t. The sole reason I even have asthma is because she didn’t bring me to the doctor when I got sick 3 times in a row, deciding to treat me at home.
Of course, she got extremely offended and tried to rescue my mom’s reputation to which I simply yelled that my mom isn’t a saint before going to the bathroom crying.
My mom is also a teacher (she teaches math) and is 53. She is not as old-fashioned as my teacher but she wasn’t exactly kind as I grew up (before she divorced my dad). Even now after going to therapy with her she still has anger outbursts but very rare and I can usually deescalate them.
I am very upset with my teacher as this is not the first time she brought this up since the smoking incident happened before Easter break and she is extremely entitled to our free time (e.x: she forces us to participate in competitions, she tries to make us feel bad if she wants to do an activity with us but we tell her genuinely that we don’t want to participate and tries to gaslight us that she understands our problems because she is a mother).
I just want to know if I’m the jerk for having this outburst.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Repeat to her that you’re legally allowed to smoke, and ask point-blank if she’s trying to intrude on your rights, loudly. Ask why she’s so invested in your personal life, and loudly say that her behavior is inappropriate.
Your asthma doesn’t matter. You’re 18, you’re not smoking on campus, and you can mess up your body as long as you’re not endangering others.
She’s your teacher, not your parent. She’s massively overstepping and being unprofessional.” Proper_Garlic3171
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I mean, you’re not smart for smoking, but you know that. Don’t engage with her anymore on the subject, politely say ‘thank you for your concern, but I’m not discussing this with you’ and walk away. You’re an adult, you get to do that now.” Myalligatormouth
6. AITJ For Getting Upset That My Friend Got Excited?
“My friend (19F) Ally is very busy with work and her other games. I (18F) tried playing her games with her (over 50hrs) but none of it was enjoyable; It was just an uphill battle mentally the whole time.
Now, a few days ago, Ally says to me, ‘Now I know you don’t enjoy this game I grew to love, I’ll play a game you enjoy.’ I ecstatically reply ‘When?’ ‘Later today.’ Fast forward 13 hours, once she is done playing her games (she was playing her games for those 13 hours) I ask, when are we going to play.
She says ‘In an hour.’ I informed her that I’m going to bed in an hour, so we compromised for half an hour.
Fast forward half an hour, we do end up playing, and about 10 minutes later she calls up another friend and they start talking about an update to one of her games and for 15 minutes her whole attention is diverted to the new update.
I get upset and go to bed due to it being roughly the time I said I was going to bed.
Now here’s where I think I’m the jerk. We exchange texts back and forth:
Ally: ‘I’m sorry, I don’t even know what I did either I just know that I upset you.’
Me: ‘I was waiting on this all day and half of it you’re standing in a corner talking to (friend she called) about your game with them.’
Ally: ‘It was three minutes and you immediately went into shut down mode’ (when I get upset I go silent and it was 15 minutes I was watching the clock.)
I say that I haven’t heard that amount of excitement for something I’m interested in before. I will literally tell you my favorite special interest and at best lately I’ll get ‘that’s really cool.’
Ally says that she has different interests than me.
I close with, ‘It’s not just that. Whenever I wanna show you something cool I literally have to ask you if you saw it. Sometimes it’s to the point where I don’t even believe you. When I ordered my new keyboard I sent you a picture. It was showing off the lights and all that and I asked did you see it and you went ‘yes, does it light up?’ The entire picture was showing you; it lit up.
I know that earlier was big to you and I get it, but when I try to share something big to me while on call 9/10 it feels put to the side. Things that are big to you I try to get into too, so we can share them. Heck, I put a lot of time into a game you enjoy just because you do. Just most times it doesn’t feel reciprocated and today really set me over the edge.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Ally is a slight jerk for not committing.
I am curious about what you two initially bonded over? You two don’t have to like the same things. I think you should try to find a friend that shares your interests instead of forcing yourself to participate in things you don’t enjoy just because Ally likes them. It’s clear Ally doesn’t enjoy your interests, but that doesn’t make either of you a jerk.” dangermuff
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your feelings and interests are being disregarded. But when you don’t jump for joy for everything she’s ever said, she gets super upset.” _EveningPrimrose_
5. AITJ For Refusing To Invite My Sister?
“My sister (23f) and I (19m) have never gotten along. It progressively got worse as we got older and now I just can’t stand being around her. She thinks she’s better than me and always finds a way to make everything about herself. I’m pretty argumentative, so our relationship being so rocky isn’t all her fault, but as I’ve grown I’ve realized that it’s never going to be better and now I just refuse to be around her more than I have to.
So, for my twentieth birthday in August, I’m going to the beach with my partner and another friend of ours. My grandmother used some weird points she has to get us two very nice rooms (one for our friend and one for me and my partner) at the beach and we’re so excited to go! However, I was telling my father about the trip and how I was sad that my brother can’t go because of school starting.
He was originally invited because I adore my little brother and want to spend as much time with him as possible before I go back up to college. My friend and partner both really like hanging out with him too, we were gonna do an escape room together.
When I told my father how upset I was that I wasn’t going to be able to spend time with my brother before I left, he asked why I don’t take my sister with me instead.
Keep in mind we have NEVER gotten along, and the more he pushes us to try, the worse our arguments. My sister also cannot drive, so I’d be taking her everywhere she wanted to go because we don’t share interests.
I said absolutely not, and that I refused to spend a whole week with her for my birthday knowing she was going to make it about her.
My father got angry with me and claimed that I was just being a jerk and wanted to make her feel bad because we ‘didn’t get along as kids’ and said that if I don’t take her then he was going to stop paying my phone bill. I said that I was fine with that, and I would just talk to my mother about it.
I haven’t heard anything about it since, and my phone is still on, but my father refuses to talk to me. I know if I took my sister it would be a miserable trip. I love her, she’s my sister, but we just don’t get along well enough for me to feel comfortable taking her down to the beach with my friends and partner, who she also doesn’t get along with.
So, I need to know, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Sharing DNA with somebody does not mean that you have to be ‘friends’ with them. In fact, often times that’s just not the case.
The only real way to preserve a relationship with a family member that you don’t share very much in common and don’t mesh well with is to honor your boundaries with them.
Taking your sister on this trip out of fear, obligation, or guilt will just be another nail in the coffin of your relationship with her.
Don’t do it OP. Instead, you go and have a wonderful time with your partner and friends and just celebrate with people that you love and enjoy being with. Happy birthday and good luck!” Jovon35
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your father is though.
He’s using emotional blackmail as a way to control your relationship with your sister. Don’t respond to that crap. Ignore him until he starts speaking to you. When he does start speaking to you, ‘I’m glad we’re talking again so I can address some concerns with you. It’s concerning to me that you chose to give me the silent treatment because I won’t do what you want me to do.
I’m hoping this isn’t going to be a reflection of our future relationship. I am an adult capable of making decisions about who I want in my life and the ways in which they will be involved. I understand that you may disagree with that. You’re free to state your stance but you do not get to punish me for not agreeing with you.
If that’s how you plan to model our relationship in the future I’m not sure how close of a relationship we will have.'” TashiaNicole1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your birthday, and the rooms were a gift from your grandma, not your dad. Plus, there are 2 rooms, you presumably want one room for just you and your partner, and it stands to reason that maybe your other friend doesn’t want to share a room with your sister…
At the end of the day, your dad isn’t obligated to pay your phone bill and doesn’t need a legitimate reason to stop, but even if his intentions are in the right place, he shouldn’t be forcing a relationship between you and your sister by trying to extort you.” JennnnP
4. AITJ For Saying The Clean Plates With Food On Them Were Dirty?
“To begin, my partner’s grandparents have gone out of town and asked him to watch their house and bunny for about four days.
He is not getting paid but they left some food for him and additionally me when I offered to help out (as my partner still had to work and would be gone roughly up to 10 hours each day).
I went to get a small plate for food and was disgusted to find a ‘clean’ plate with still some bits of food on it as well as, at minimum, the second one I can see in the pile.
I was pretty grossed out and voiced my concern and disgust towards it and my partner says that’s normal (for both his house and his grandparents’) and it’s ‘nothing to worry about’. I was pretty shocked. I decided I’d clean the stuff myself but, in summary, I couldn’t.
He thought I was weird and a clean freak for thinking the plates were gross and not properly cleaned. I only retorted that ‘it’s a very basic cleaning procedure to at least make sure there’s no food left on ‘clean’ dishes.’ For some reason, he seemed to interpret this as an attack on his grandparents and he seemed to partially raise his guard.
On the second night (tonight) when I was getting ready to prepare some food for him that I’d brought, I was looking around and following the notes posted everywhere they left for us to find things. Most importantly a pot for the stove.
The one I pull out I already had my hesitations about its cleanliness. It’s a deep pan as they didn’t necessarily have a pot.
Now wary of the cooking utensils in the house, I slid my finger across the inside bottom of the pan only to be met with what felt like a layer of shortening and the smell of old food. This was just a standard metal pan, to be clear. It also wasn’t any kind of polish or similar wax given the smell.
He saw my disgust at discovering the semi-unclean pan and seemed to get mad and defensive toward me and my reaction, saying things like: ‘It’s not their fault, they don’t have a dishwasher’ ‘It’s just how they do it’ and most notably ‘They’re old.’
At this point, I just couldn’t comprehend why he thought I was being unreasonable in my ‘superior cleanliness standards’ as he roughly called it in a blatantly mocking way. At that point I gave my second and last retort:
‘My own grandparents are twenty-plus years older than yours,’ (big generation age gap in my family), ‘whose dishwasher doesn’t always work, and yet they’ll still scrub by hand to make sure all food and grease come off of anything used for food.’
Am I the jerk for saying the dishes/utensils/pots/etc. at my partner’s grandparents’ house aren’t clean because I found food on them? Do I really just have ‘too-high standards’ as he says? Is the state of the kitchenware in this context actually normal?
I’m genuinely not sure anymore given how defensive he got over the whole thing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – the dishes weren’t clean and that is a good way to either get food poisoning or, at the least, a gross tasting meal. His defensiveness sounds like he knows it is gross but doesn’t know how else to respond to it. I’d be very cautious about remaining with someone whose instinct, in this case, is to mock YOU over the situation – he sounds like someone very emotionally immature and likely to cause you a fair amount of unhappiness in the future.” Extension-Guess5911
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
That’s gross. But if you know all their dishes are dirty why are you still cooking and eating over there? All the prepared food was made in those dirty pots. At the end of the day, you can voice your concerns but it’s not your family nor your household and yet somehow you’re still there eating and drinking off their dirty dishes.” QuitProfessional5437
Another User Comments:
“This sounds like a guy who knows his grandparents need help but can’t/won’t get it for them. It’s much easier to live in denial than it is to admit that your grandparents have (for example) dementia.
NTJ. Just don’t eat at their house anymore. If possible, start the ‘maybe get a maid’ conversation, but expect it to end badly.” Impossible-Pause3788
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can understand defending his grandparents, but food poisoning is food poisoning and they are begging for it.
Also, I would rethink the partner thing until he agrees to a kitchen cleanliness boot camp.
Also also, you may want to worry about his bathroom cleanliness standards. Specifically how clean he keeps toilets and showers/baths.” Extreme_Shine_7122
3. AITJ For Telling My Step Children Their Paternity Isn't My Fault?
“I have 4 children, two biological, and two stepchildren from my husband’s 1st marriage. I consider all of them to be my kids, but for clarity, I have to differentiate. When my stepchildren were 12 and 13, it came out that they were not biologically my husband’s. It was very dramatic and rocked the entire family. There was a minute when they were suspicious of me as well, but since I had insisted on testing my biological children at birth due to issues from my own childhood, this was over before it began.
My husband and I continued raising all four children until he passed away two years ago. His father just died 6 months ago. The kids are 17, 16, 10, and 9. In his will, his father decided to only leave money to his biological grandchildren. This money is to be held in trust, so even I can’t access it. It’s not millions but is easily enough to pay for each grandkid to go to college and put a down payment on a house.
My stepkids viewed him as their grandfather, so they are furious about this, but on a practical level, they need money for college, and now don’t have it. They’ve been blaming me and hounding me to fix this. I can’t and won’t. The will is airtight. The money is in trusts that I don’t have legal access to. Just to try to do anything would involve (technically) suing minor children just to harass my sister-in-law and the legal firm into trying to invalidate a valid will, which would be cruel and pointless.
I agree that it’s unfair, yes, but it’s also not my fault.
Their mother is the reason why they’re not in the will, not me. I’m not going to pretend to know why she did it and I don’t have any personal feelings about her. She’s always been a devoted mother to her kids, which is the only thing I cared about. The rest of her private life is her own business, and this is ultimately her responsibility.
I told them to take it up with her, and now they’re even angrier that I’m ‘talking bad about their mother’ and are blasting me to everyone that will hear that I’ve always played favorites (not true) and that I’m not doing anything because I got what I ‘always wanted’ (doubly not true). I don’t want to lose them or cause more pain over something that I had no part in.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I feel for them, but their anger is misplaced. This is really unfair and the grandad was wrong for doing that. They may not want to take this out on their mom since she is their only parent left (not sure what’s up with the actual biodad).
Can you suggest therapy? I’m guessing you have no custodial rights since they were stepkids and I’m guessing they live with their mom?
I would reiterate your empathy (and leave out that you ‘won’t’ do anything – only stress that you can’t do anything to change it legally). But if they keep attacking, I would take some breaks from them and tell them why. That they’re hurting you and taking their feelings out on you when you had no say in how all this turned out.” friendlily
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I don’t really understand why you’re bearing the brunt of their anger here. Their mother lied to them their entire lives about who their father was. Their so-called grandparents disowned them the moment they found out they weren’t biologically related. Their grandfather cut them out of the will. And yet you, who continued to raise them alongside your husband even after all this came out, are somehow the bad guy?
They’re old enough to understand that the law is the law. You cannot change their dead grandfather’s will. No one can do that.
I really don’t understand why they’re so angry with you. They need to ask their mom for college money. If she didn’t think to set something up, that’s on her. She’s the one they should be mad at.” CherryCool000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The bio mother kind of is though.
You can’t touch the money. There is literally nothing you can do about it but based on how they blew up on your comment I wouldn’t be surprised if she is blaming you and they are so hurt by their grandfather that they are just going with that flow. You are the easy target.
Unfortunately for them, demanding money won’t change the laws or make you poop dollar bills.
They need grief counseling and the bio mom needs to help her kids deal with it and not add fuel to the fire.
Sadly it seems you might lose your stepkids in the crossfire between your deceased husband’s family last parting shot and the bio mom but… nothing you can do other than explain the situation, suggest counseling, and leave them be until they understand you are innocent.” ladylyrande
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
There is literally nothing you can do to get them any of that money but you didn’t have to make that comment to them either.
It would be a step in the right direction if you apologized for how you handled the situation. And even though you can’t get them a college fund out of thin air, you CAN offer resources.
If you love these kids like your own, help them succeed. Put some work into looking at potential scholarships. Jobs that have tuition reimbursement. Dual enrollment to knock off some college AND high school courses. Talk to their school counselors about your concerns and I bet they’ll be able to provide resources as well. Maybe they don’t even want to go to college but want to go to trade school.
Either way, you can help them be the well-adjusted adults they can be.
And one more thing.
These kids are hurt and grieving. Have you considered setting them up with some grief counseling? I feel for them cause I know what it’s like to lose a parent at that age. Everyone thought I was fine because I didn’t outwardly show it. Being able to vent and heal in a safe space would do wonders for these kids.” 1800THEBEES
2. AITJ For Refusing To Uninvite My Mom's Partner?
“I (18f) am having my high school graduation in a few weeks. My parents have been divorced ever since I was in 5th grade but I’m still pretty close with both of them. Since middle school, my mom has had the same partner (R) and on multiple occasions, they’ve mentioned that they plan to marry each other. R has been an important figure in my life, and I really do love him.
He’s even made it clear that he loves me like his own daughter. The thing is, R might be the reason for my parent’s divorce. They refuse to tell me, but I’m pretty sure it’s because my mother was seeing R while she was still with my dad.
I ended up with more graduation tickets than people that my parents planned on inviting (my aunt and uncle from both sides of the family, my brothers, and my grandma) and I decided to ask R if he wanted to come.
I figured it wasn’t a big deal, since I thought I should have some say in who comes to my graduation. I mentioned this to my father and he said he was uncomfortable with him being there, to which I replied that they didn’t have to interact with each other and could sit on opposite ends of the row. Besides, I was dealing with people that make me uncomfortable too since my aunt and uncle on my father’s side are homophobic and I’m bi.
He seemed really hurt that I didn’t agree to take back the ticket and when he asked if his partner could go I politely said that I would prefer if she didn’t. I have nothing against her but they’ve only been seeing each other for 2 years and I’ve only met her a handful of times.
So AITJ for refusing to ask my mom’s partner not to come to my graduation even though it makes my dad uncomfortable?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It is your graduation. You get to decide who you want there. It isn’t about him and he needs to manage his feelings about it like a grown-up.
He doesn’t have to like or get along with R but he does have to accept that he is an important person to you.
You also have no proof or certainty that your mum or R in fact did anything wrong.
So trying to spare his feelings based on a ‘possibility’ would just be silly in the case that they are both innocent. Not knowing the truth of things means you cannot decide whether your Dad is actually owed more consideration or sensitivity because of wrongdoing that may not even exist.
And even then, you would still be allowed to invite R if that was what you really wanted.” EnergyThat1518
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You have invited your mom’s long-term significant other (NOT HUSBAND!!!) who probably was the reason why your parents divorced. Then you have said to your dad to deal with it and refused to invite his long-term partner when he asked if she could go. Do you realize it looks like big fat ‘screw you’ right in his face?
And two years IS long term — I proposed to my future wife after knowing each other for about two years.” asyncbeholder
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for refusing to ask your mom’s partner not to come. It’s your graduation, but I think you should let your father’s partner come just to be fair to everybody. If in fact, R is the reason your parents got divorced, it’s logical that your father is uncomfortable with him being at HIS daughter’s graduation. The fact that you’re close to him and that he hasn’t expressed – which is a guess – other than this latest request, resentment towards your mom or R is a credit to his maturity and love for you.
Why not throw the old man a bone and let his partner come? Sounds like you’ll have lots of people there and it would likely make him less stressed. Seems like a small lift to me. That said, it is your moment, so your call. Good luck at the graduation and with your bright future!” TheMobyDicks
1. AITJ If I Vent My Frustrations?
“My partner of 4 years has decided to detach from my old car.
He wants nothing to do with it since it’s not his, meaning he is not willing to put any money into it. I have no issue with this at all. Here’s where my issue is. I ran out of gas in my old car a few days ago, luckily it was in front of our home. I called emergency roadside to put some gas in my car so that I could get to a gas station and fill it.
They came out but once the gas was added, the car wouldn’t crank. My first thought was to get another 2 gallons to add to the car which could possibly get it to crank.
Since the car we are financing is what he drives to work, I was stuck at home with no running vehicle. I asked him to bring a can of gas home with him so that I could test out the old car.
He didn’t bring it home and said the reason why was because he’d told me before he wanted nothing to do with that car. I was upset with him about this and we got into an argument about it. I was upset and hurt because it was something I needed and I asked a favor of him. I get that it was about the car he detached from, but the favor was for me, not the car.
(Maybe I am wrong?)
I apologized for raising the issue to him and also for childishly raising my voice during the argument. He accepted my apology and I found a mechanic for the old car (which will be fixed in a few days.)
Fast forward to today. It has been rainy the entire day (severe thunderstorm warnings/flood warnings) and my phone service didn’t work well enough to connect to data so that I could get a rideshare ride home from work.
So, I walked. As I was walking, I called him as I do sometimes, knowing he was on break.
As he was asking me why I was walking, I vented to him that I was frustrated being in this carless situation as he has our financed reliable car and didn’t have to worry about walking home like I was. This was the reason I thought it was plausible to continue fixing a car that is paid for, even though it’s old.
He has recently talked about getting a part-time job to finance another car, but that car has not become part of the situation as of yet.
He said that I was trying to make him feel guilty about his stance on the old car. I wasn’t. I was only trying to get him to see my side of the equation. He texted me a few minutes ago, saying that since I still feel the way I do about the situation, he no longer accepts my apology.
AITJ for trying to get him to see my side?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I’m sorry, he’s driving a car owned by both of you and doesn’t want to help you at all in making the other car work so you both don’t have to share the one car, or have one of you walk?
I can understand him being frustrated if the car is a money pit, but he can’t take both of y’all’s cars and then leave you to walk.
He’s your partner, he needs to work with you in the immediate, not just in the possible future of getting another car. That taking back the apology thing is just wrong.
When you get off work you’re going to have to make a schedule with him of sharing the one working car, because he doesn’t get to leave you walking. He’s your partner it’s all not right.
If you want to play hardball, when you get a new car get it in your name only and tell him he can buy you out of the other car so it can just be his. I’m sorry but I’m still just stuck that the person you are in a relationship with had you walk home alone in stormy weather, this isn’t a car thing, he isn’t a good partner.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Trying to navigate with an older paid-for car is difficult. There must have been an agreement that he would take the reliable newer car. That said, he needs to understand that there could be situations (with the car or otherwise) that you need to be able to rely on his help/support. He’s being childish and immature. For me, his unwillingness to help you when you needed him is a HUGE red flag.
This may be a hill to die on. I did a 12-year sentence (called a marriage) with a man with similar thoughts. May be time to cut your losses now because this won’t change. Now it’s the car but I promise you this attitude will carry into future situations with him. You’ll be the one frustrated and mad while he’s being stubborn and immature. Haters don’t hate me, this is my personal experience I’m relaying here.” kcoinga
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is literally refusing to help you have reliable transportation and leaving you in situations where you are not safe. It sounds like your finances are somewhat combined, so he needs to help you come up with a solution. If he doesn’t want you to repair the car, he needs to offer up a different solution. Living with someone means picking them up when their car breaks down and bringing gas when they run out – those things are about caring for your partner, not their car.
Has he offered up any kind of solution for sharing the reliable car, driving you to/from work, etc.? It sounds like you’re making the most of what you have available to you and his refusal to have anything to do with that car is putting you at risk.
There has to be a compromise here somewhere – has he offered up any kind of solution?!” PNWPainter02
Another User Comments:
“I don’t really understand what you want here. He’s NTJ for refusing to get the gas IMO. He told you he wanted nothing more to do with it. You were home and not unsafe when you needed the gas. You coulda hopped in the good car when he got home and went and got your gas.
You’re upset that you had to walk in the rain?
I don’t understand how that’s your SO’s fault. You had a car. He had a car. He took his car to work. It’s not his fault the weather kept you from getting a ride.
I will say YTJ because you asked for something specific to the car and he said he was done with it. Stop talking to him about the car.
Don’t bring issues with the car to his attention unless you’re of course in an emergency or stranded. But if you’re safe and home then don’t talk about the car. He has a right to that boundary.
I can relate to him. When I set a boundary I mean it. Don’t cross it. One of us will have our feelings hurt and it won’t be me.” TashiaNicole1
