People Ask Us To Speak Our Minds About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Calling The Cops When My Brother Stole My Car?
“I (M16) have a brother (M28) who still doesn’t have a car or a job.
He lives with me, my mom, and my dad. I got my permit, took my driving test, and got my license this year.
My brother actually knows how to drive and used to use my mom’s car but after getting into an accident with it she took his privileges away.
Ever since I got my license he’s been begging me to use my car and I always say no. The reason I don’t want him to use it is bc I don’t want him to crash it, also it belongs to me and I don’t want anyone else using it.
About 2 weeks ago he asked me if he could take my car to go pick his friends up. I told him no. My brother has anger issues and can be scary at times, he started yelling and swearing at me. I was scared but still said no.
Fast forward to the next morning I saw my car keys missing. I immediately called my brother and asked him and he said yes he took it and that he promises he’ll bring it back in mint condition. I told him I don’t care and I don’t want anyone else using my car in general. After I hung up on him I thought about calling my mom and dad but I was furious.
I let my anger and frustration get the best of me and called the cops. I told the cops what happened and gave them my license plate + where my brother was (I know his friend’s address).
They arrested him and brought him to the local police station and my mom had to come to pick him up.
My mom was annoyed and yelled at me when she got home and took my car keys for the time being. My dad was upset too when he got home. They said I was crazy for calling the cops on my own brother and I could’ve sent him to jail.
I don’t feel bad and I hope he learned his lesson. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So your parents allow a 28yo unemployed, verbally abusive jerk to live in the same house as their younger son, they allow this jerk to intimidate you enough that you are low-key worried about him getting physical, allow him to steal your property, and then have the audacity to take your keys away for calling the cops on him for stealing a car?
NTJ, and honestly your parents are, in my opinion, even more of a jerk than your brother because they allow a hostile environment to exist in their own home when they are still supposed to protect their minor son. It makes me super mad when parents don’t think of this when they choose to enable this crap.
If the car legally belongs to your parents I guess you are screwed, but if it’s yours then they technically stole your keys as well. Either way, they suck and you did nothing wrong.” uhno28
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, your brother is a jerk for using the car after you told him no, but you don’t say if YOU own the car or if your PARENTS own it.
You do say that they took the keys so I’m left wondering if they actually own it instead of you.
If you own it outright and have your own insurance as well, then I would change to say NTJ because he stole your property and should understand the consequences of it.
If your parents own or co-own the car, or pay for any portion thereof that isn’t just an outright gift, then they could claim that you falsely reported it stolen, which could, in turn, get you into trouble or give a good reason for them taking the keys.
When I was 18, I was on a cross-country road trip by myself and stopped at a friend’s house in their state for a few days. My controlling narcissist father didn’t like the friend I stayed with so he called the cops and reported my car as stolen so the cops could help him ‘track me down’.
He got into a smidge of trouble with them for falsely reporting it stolen once they realized I was the rightful owner and nothing was stolen, to begin with…” vamplvr4321
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – and really important here: listen to your gut about your fear of your brother.
If your parents take his side in this – they would probably take his side if he physically assaults you. Anger issues and breaking the law. When I was a Juvenile Probation Officer I saw this a lot – a sibling with anger issues who broke the law beginning with ‘property’ offenses.
The fact that your parents wanted to handle this ‘in the family’ and penalized you for involving the police makes it very clear to your brother that this behavior is ok if it ‘only’ targets a sibling and not them.
I predict that when he physically assaults you, they will use this incident as justification for your brother’s anger.
You need to at the very least tell a guidance counselor at school and get this somehow on record.
You may need to leave your home to escape a physical attack and having this behavior of your brother on record will be helpful. Anger issues and breaking the law can be significant signs of having Anti Social Personality Disorder.
Your gut is telling you that you are in danger. You are correct.
Begin exploring emergency housing options: friends, relatives, and youth shelters. Tell an adult what is going on who is at least able to document officially in some capacity, so that it is less likely that as a minor you might be forcefully returned to your household if you leave because you are in danger.
I had, in my caseloads during two years, three murdered siblings of people I was supervising – and the pattern of behavior and the acceptance of family members of the behavioral escalation directly resulted in the offender murdering their siblings.
This is serious and you need to take steps now to protect yourself as much as possible.” Deb_33
20. AITJ For Telling My Partner To Leave After An Argument?
“So adoption is pretty common in my family. I probably have more adopted cousins than biological ones, tho I can’t say for sure since it really doesn’t matter in my family. My (22M) younger brother (15M) was adopted by my parents when he was 7, our dads were close and he used to come round a lot.
His parents split when he was about 5 due to his mom’s substance problem and she ended up in jail a few months later because of it. His dad then passed due to medical issues when he was 7 and my parents took him in because he would have gone into the system.
So he’s lived with us since I was 14 and I do see him as my little brother and we are family. His bio mom is still around but isn’t allowed to see him.
The problem comes in with my partner, we have been together for 2 years and we’ve met each other’s families and we have gotten in great with them.
About a month ago she came to me complaining about how her sister is adopting. Saying it was wrong especially since she doesn’t have any fertility issues. I told her that it doesn’t matter if the kid is adopted or not and that my brother is adopted. She didn’t say anything else to me about it after that.
However she has stopped calling my brother my brother, she calls him by his name.
Yesterday she and her friend (who is also my friend and introduced us) were talking about how she is so happy that my parents will be her in-laws. He agreed and said that my parents and my brother would make great in-laws, she then ‘corrected’ him and told him that my brother wouldn’t be her in-law since he’s adopted. He had no idea how to respond and ended up telling me about it.
This caused an argument between us with me saying my brother is my brother and her insisting that he isn’t and that there is a difference. She told me to sleep somewhere else that night. I told her no, this is my home too and if she has the issue she should sleep somewhere else.
This caused her to scream at me, calling me manipulative and awful before leaving to sleep at her parent’s.
Her dad, who I really get along with has asked to speak with me and I’ve gotten some aggressive messages from some other members of her family.
I didn’t think I was in the wrong but with so many people upset with me I think I might be. I brought it up so maybe I should have left, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your adopted siblings are your siblings. Your adopted cousins are your cousins.
Your family is your family no matter what. Her family is coming to her defense because that’s what family does. You owe it to your family to act in the same way, and if she can’t accept that your brother is your brother, b***d or not, then you’re off to a bad start.
She has some misconceptions and if she can’t see the flaws in her thinking, you’re better off without her. I would speak to the dad, explain why you’re upset, and hope that he respects your defense of your brother. If not, it just goes to show family values from that side.” ToxicLogics
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your partner is a raging jerk. I don’t understand her logic, but more importantly, I don’t understand what it has to do with her. And her thing about your brother seems to be purely that you disagreed with her insane stance on adoption and you made your brother an embodiment of that.
You did nothing wrong here, if anything, you have been too tolerant. You drew the line at her saying your brother wouldn’t be her brother-in-law, and then at her telling you to sleep somewhere else over this.
This is purely a power issue. She wants to know that you will fall in line with whatever she wants to say or do and that’s why she’s reacting this way.
Don’t marry this girl, she’s crazy.” nylonvest
Another User Comments:
“Dear Lord, NTJ.
I really cannot understand the people out there who refuse to believe that family is family, whether adopted or not, and why it matters so much to them that a distinction is forced. She’s the actual outsider here.
What makes her think she even gets a say in who is a part of your family or not? She is 100% in the wrong.
Sounds like you found out who she really is and have been given a chance to dodge a bullet. This lady had the audacity to try to throw you out for daring to defend your family from her ridiculous and hurtful nonsense, and then she gathered up relatives to hassle and threaten you on top of it.
Also, you didn’t kick her out. She tried to kick you out, but you refused to leave your own home, so she left instead. That’s not kicking her out. Nobody shoved her out the door. That’s her refusing to have a rational adult conversation and running away.” Slight_Flamingo_7697
Run away from these people like your pants are on fire.
19. WIBTJ If I Walk My Sister Down The Aisle?
“When I was 14 my mother passed away giving birth to my now 20-year-old sister Elise, my father blamed El and started excessively drinking.
At 14 I basically became the main caretaker of my three siblings, my aunt and a few family friends were able to help out but the most they could do was bring us groceries and handle inheritance. For the next four years, I paid a babysitter when I was at school and took care of my siblings for the rest of the day.
When I graduated high school I decided against college and immediately took up a part-time job. My dad was almost never in the picture, he fell into a heavy depression and almost died three times, I knew he wanted to be involved, and I tried to help him as much as I could but it hurt to watch.
When Elise was around a year old she started learning to talk and started nonstop calling me ‘dada.’ It broke my heart in so many ways. I tried to get her to stop at first but eventually, I stopped, I reasoned that if she saw me as her dad then I was doing something right.
When I was 19 my dad overheard me helping Elise with her reading and she called me her dad, he blew up on both of us, that I was trying to take his place and she doesn’t deserve to be a part of this family after she killed her mom.
I decided right then and there I was done trying with him and used my inheritance and my aunt’s help to move me and my siblings out into a small apartment, it was so sudden I guess it snapped him into reality.
It’s been over a decade since then and he’s now gotten sober, a few years ago he decided he wanted to form a bond with Elise, she was hesitant but agreed. Elise is now engaged and is in the middle of planning her wedding, we’ve always been very close so I knew I’d at least give a speech but when she approached me to ask if I’d be the one to walk her down the aisle I was overjoyed.
I was at a planning dinner last night when I joked that I’d need a nicer suit now that I’d be on the aisle, everyone laughed but my dad just looked confused, he asked what I meant when Elise cut in and explained that she wanted me to walk her down the aisle since it felt right because I always walked her to school every day her entire life.
Aunt and my other siblings thought it was sweet but my dad and grandma pulled me aside later to tell me that they understood where Elise was coming from and they didn’t blame her but I should have rejected the offer because it’s traditionally a fatherly role and I know how hard my dad has been working to be a good father to Elise.
I told them I’d think about it, a few days have passed and my grandma and some family friends have called me every day telling me I’d be the jerk to take this away from my dad.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This is Elise’s decision.
Both you and your father should respect it. Your dad blamed her inappropriately for the death of your mom, and that kind of trauma for Elise wouldn’t just dissipate because he suddenly saw the light and wanted to work on his bond with her. Most likely, all of her most cherished childhood memories involve you.
And all of her darkest childhood memories involve your dad.
It makes sense that she’d prefer you by her side, the reliable loving family member over the one who brought her so much pain for a great many years.
Your dad has nobody but himself to blame for Elise’s decision and preference here.
If you want to be seen as compromising here, you could suggest to your sister that BOTH you and your dad walk her down the aisle, one on each side.” jammy913
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if you did decline the position, that’s no guarantee that Elise would ask dad to do it.
In her place, I’d walk down the aisle alone before I let him do it.
In fact, in her place, considering he spent years blaming her for her mother’s death, I wouldn’t ask him to walk me across the street.
She asked you and it felt appropriate to her.
This day is about what she wants. Not what your father wants or his wounded little fee-fees, considering he spent years hurling vile insults at her. It’s wonderful that he is trying to make amends and be a good father, but it will take considerable time to rebuild trust and earn her love and acceptance.
And he may never be able to earn recognition as a father figure. At the time when she needed a father the most, you stepped in and filled the role.
Your father and grandmother are the jerks here. Not you. And certainly not Elise.” User
Another User Comments:
“Definitely not the jerk. You very much love your sister and she very much loves you. You were there when she needed you the most, and you took on a lot of responsibility that you didn’t and shouldn’t have had to.
It sounds like your family is concerned about optics/appearances as well as the stability of your father who from your own admission has been working to be better at least for Elise.
Ultimately, it’s Elise’s decision who walks her down the aisle.
If you think it’s appropriate, I’d say talk to her. You could always be generic and let her know that some relatives were concerned that your father isn’t walking her. If you feel like being generous, you could also ask (if you feel like it’s appropriate) if she’d like to have both you and your dad walking her down the aisle.
Happens a lot and it could be a good compromise. But. Conversation and providing compromises are 100% up to you. You don’t owe your father anything. Neither does Elise. She asked. And you said yes. Congrats.” MebbeitsOK
18. WIBTJ If I Ask For My Apartment?
“My sister (25f) and I (28m) are supposed to each inherit a studio in Paris.
They were bought when we were babies by our parents and grandparents, for when we would be the age to live in them (prices were crazy lower at the time). The deal was that they would manage them until rent would have reimbursed the loans.
After our grandparents were gone and our parents were divorced, they are currently managed by our mother, who rents them and keeps the profit. She did that until both loans were repaid, and we were okay with that.
My sister got hers early, because of a miscalculation of our mother, and she lives in it.
Rent-free, as it is her own studio. I don’t intend to go back there, so I was not really in a hurry to get mine, even though the rent would pay my own, current rent. Even more than that. But I was looking for an apartment in my city, and there is a lot where the residential building is planned. The apartments are nice, but slightly out of my budget.
So my mother bought one, in which she said I could live and pay her rent until I could buy it back (yeah, it is really awkward to say “my mommy bought me an apartment”). The building is planned to be finished in mid-2023.
Now here is the thing: my studio loan has been repaid, she told me.
So I am supposed to get it, just like my sister got hers. That would allow me to get the rent for myself (around 900€), saving the cost of my own rent (600€) plus 300€. Meaning that I could buy my apartment really soon, maybe even before it is built.
So that I wouldn’t need to pay her rent at all and only pay her back what she spent on the apartment. But at the same time, she bought me a freaking apartment, and I’m afraid it would look absolutely ungrateful to ask for it now.
But if I let her have it until I move to my new apartment, that would be 900€ ‘less’ every month and only save the cost of rent once I move to the new apartment, meaning in a year. 900×12, that’s 10 800€ that I could save until then, so widely enough to buy it back sooner.
So WIBTJ if I asked my mother to give me the apartment that I’m supposed to own?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I think it’s pretty messed up that your mother is pocketing the rent on your property still instead of turning it over, especially when you’re still clearly struggling a bit making it on your own… but you wouldn’t be if she’d turned over your rightful property.” TriZARAtops
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I guess, but your mom did not buy you an apartment, she bought an apartment that she expects you to either cover the mortgage for by renting it or to pay it back. Not the same thing. She is more like leasing it to you than anything else.” ristlincin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but maybe instead of asking for the apartment outright, maybe just approach her with the idea ‘Hey mom, since my flat in Paris is paid off now why don’t you put the rent you are bringing in off of that towards what I owe you for this new apartment, since technically the money for that should be going to me now.'” WaywardMarauder
17. AITJ For Being Uncomfortable In My Own Home?
“My friend and I have known each other for three years and decided to live together with one other roommate for the 2021-22 school year. The three of us have a lease signed for next year as well. She’s known for complaining all the time, but it has gotten progressively worse when I’m privately questioning my relationship with her.
She’s constantly remarking on the ugliness of others, their outfits, their bodies, etc. She walks into the room every day and the first thing she says is ‘I HATE’ whatever it is. Her grandmother passed last week. I’m very sympathetic towards the situation but that doesn’t give you the right to be mean.
Every day she says ‘I feel like being a witch today.’ Today? Do you mean the last 70 days?
Four nights ago she returns from a social event I declined to attend and she was frazzled from the moment she came in the door. I’m immediately anxious wondering what rude comment she’ll say next.
First, she says to everyone how when she first met me she thought ‘does this girl not like me what is her deal?’ Next, our friend is telling us how her roommate’s partner lives in their apartment and it’s annoying. My roommate then yells out ‘if my roommates had their partners here all the time I’d hate that.’ The guys are never here, so that’s not a problem.
She then says she’s so happy she’s single and any lessons she learns in life are more valuable than any relationship. I don’t take it personally, I know she’s insecure about not being in a relationship — it’s nothing to do with me.
But how can I not be offended when someone stares me in the face and says relationships aren’t valuable? Can’t you be happy for your friends?
Yesterday the other roommate and I return from some errands and get ready to go to yoga.
From the moment we walk in the door she is the most unpleasant person. Ranting about I don’t know what and literally moaning in pain in the living room. As we’re leaving she says ‘oh no one wants to hang out with me that’s fine.
Since you’re all buddy-buddy now.’ Me, being the mild-mannered, always too polite person I am, I say ‘well I’m gonna go get some zen.’
Last night, she opens her door and says hi sorry for the buddy-buddy comment. I say thanks for apologizing but there’s more to it than that.
I say I completely understand she’s grieving and there are a lot of complicated emotions, but she can’t just say rude remarks like that all the time. She says ‘like what.’ I said comments like the above make me feel anxious and I feel anxious being in my own home.
She says ‘I won’t apologize for that my grandma just died that’s really messed up you would say that.’ I get called insensitive. During the whole convo, her defense was ‘you know that’s not my intention’ or ‘my grandma is gone’.
Some things she said and did during the convo:
- ‘you and your other roommate haven’t been through something like this before.’
- ‘I feel like a burden.’
- ‘oh yeah, it’s always me I’m the one always starting things.’
- ‘kept looking at her phone the whole time.'”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe the timing isn’t great but this late grandma is ground cover for general trashy behavior. If she’s grieving, she can go cry on her pillow or torture her family by phone/text/FaceTime. And you are entitled to your feelings and it was far better to share them with her than silently resenting her.” jsodano
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you and roommate both need to sit down with this roommate and calmly explain that her behavior is abusive and unacceptable, and it has been going on for much longer than the last week. The moment she pulls out a phone, end the conversation by saying ‘since you don’t take this seriously, you need to move out by x day, consider this your formal notice’.
Speak with your leasing office – they should be familiar with these situations happening all the time and can remove her with little to no issue as the lease isn’t active yet.
You are allowed to be comfortable in your own home. Don’t put up with any mistreatment from anyone.
The best response to ‘you know that’s not my intention’ is ‘no I don’t because you treat everyone this way and behave in a manner that demonstrates your intent is to be cruel and horrid to as many people as possible’. Time to take the kid gloves off and stop worrying about being polite.” passingthroughcbus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And this girl isn’t your friend. She’s an extra person in your apartment paying rent. Her opinions on your life don’t matter because (no offense) she shouldn’t matter to you.
The only thing you need to do is keep being a decent human being.
Something she is not capable of being at the moment. You don’t have to engage with her, if she apologizes again say thanks and walk away.
No one needs that energy in their life. While the living situation might be uncomfortable you can make it uncomfortable on both ends now.
People like her want attention (all those passive-aggressive moments are meant for you to respond to) don’t give her any.” EJ_1004
16. AITJ For Refusing To Spend Time With My Awful Father?
“While I (21F) was growing up, my siblings and I bonded with my mom (45F) more.
It had more to do with the fact that if we made a mistake, she let us fix it. She understood that our lives were out of her hands, so we were allowed to have partners, go out with friends, not go to college, get tattoos, piercings, etc. (as long as we were honest and kind.) She was so understanding that sometimes her vision for us was not the one we wanted.
My father (46M) on the other hand, was very strict and not emotionally supportive. Some examples included: disowning me for getting a piercing at 20 yrs old, saying we weren’t ‘allowed to express ourselves until we were out of the house’, calling my brother (16M) names, yelling at me to stop having an anxiety attack, telling people that I was gonna end up with a dead-end life, etc. Now, it’s important to add that even though he was not there for us, he financially supported us and would take us places to eat or have fun on occasion.
My mom & dad split up last year and since then, my dad has become extremely affectionate and loving. He hugs & kisses us bc he ‘missed out on it all these years’. He asks us how our day has been and wants us to talk about our feelings with him.
My brother and I expressed that we weren’t comfortable with all of it bc we never got that from him growing up. So oftentimes, we find ourselves giving one-word answers to his questions. He finally asked why we were so reluctant to talk to him and he said that he felt neglected. Now I feel bad because I haven’t made an effort to connect with him since this new change of his.
He’s making effort now and I should be grateful but I feel like I can’t forgive the past 20 years of my life.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Has he actually apologized for the things he’s put you through? Like, really apologized? If he hasn’t, then it doesn’t matter, he’s still not caring about your needs.
If he has, then okay, he’s actually trying to improve. You don’t owe it to him to give him a chance. It’s your choice what kind of relationship you have with your father.” masterrevan51
Another User Comments:
“HE felt neglected? HIM?!
He was terrible to you for decades and is supposed to forget it like it never happened?
He doesn’t get to belittle the trauma he inflicted on you. You don’t have to forgive him. Not now, not ever. I’m so happy you had such an amazing mom! And sorry your dad sucked, for the most part.
And this stranger on the internet would ask that you leave that door open a crack for some time in the future in case that is something you want to do.
Forgiveness doesn’t change the past, but it can expand the future. (Someone else said that and I paraphrased.) But that expansion only happens if someone is truly ready to forgive. And that has to be your heartfelt decision.
NTJ. And dad has no right to complain of ‘neglect’ after the way he treated you and your brother.” arianrhodd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are never going to be a jerk for not feeling a bond with someone that abandoned you for the majority of your life. He played no real role in raising you for 20 years so he can’t expect you to suddenly be ‘hey, great, dad is here, let me open my heart and soul to this man’.
Next time he asks why you aren’t talking with him, be honest. ‘Dad, for the first 20 years of my life I feel like you weren’t interested in me, my wants/needs/desires, you were just a person in the same house. Now you suddenly want to ‘connect’ and I am just not there yet.
You can’t expect me to suddenly bond with you now that YOU are interested in my life. It will take time to build up trust.'” voluntold9276
15. AITJ For Wanting To Be Paid For Babysitting My Little Brother?
“I’m 15F and my baby brother is 4M. I’m basically a live-in babysitter for him because my dad is a contractor I think and works odd hours and my mom drives and delivers for Uber.
I can’t do after-school activities because as soon as I get home my mom says she has to go on a run. Sometimes she’s gone for hours. sometimes she comes home to leave and go on another run. My dad usually gets home late or sometimes is gone for days because his work is far and it’s too far a drive to go back and forth.
Sometimes I even have to stay home from school if my mom has things to do like a court date or something.
Weekends are the worst because my mom comes and goes on runs all day long. I can never do anything because I have to be home for my brother.
I never thought about being paid until I read some things on the internet and I realized I should be paid if it’s taking away from things I actually wanna do. I was going to ask for $10 an hour but my grandmother said that was a lot to be asking for from my parents who already provide so much for me, so I decided on $5 an hour.
I told them I wouldn’t even need to be paid after school if mom is only gone for like an hour. But if it’s the weekend or 2+ hours, I’d like to be paid.
My parents say that family doesn’t pay family and that I shouldn’t be paid for hanging out with my brother, but it’s more like I’m responsible for him.
It’s hard because he acts out a lot and whenever he does something bad they blame it on me because I should’ve been watching him better, but it’s exhausting getting home from school and having no time to de-stress. I feel like I’m already doing a lot for them and can’t even get a job because I have to watch my brother all day, but then they say it’s not like I’m old enough to get a real job anyway.
I decided to put my foot down and demand that I get paid for watching him, at least on the weekends. I don’t think I have a lot of leverage though because my mom can leave whenever she wants and I can’t really say anything about it.
But also I feel bad because my parents work hard and provide for everything, I wish they didn’t put this responsibility on me all the time. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If this were occasional or predictable, I’d say that you are a member of the household and they are out earning money to provide for you and your brother and you should ‘do your part’.
But sounds like you are an on-demand nanny. And your parents are making an unreasonable demand. And ‘family doesn’t pay family’ is complete nonsense! But I’m not sure money is the answer here or that it really solves your problem or improves your quality of life.
Be careful what you wish for by the way, because once you get paid for a job – expectations increase and you are no longer the accommodating daughter/big sister, you are an employee. Sometimes it’s easier to be the unpaid martyr.” jsodano
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents are taking advantage of you. You shouldn’t be forced to watch your brother so often. At the end of the day, you’d be his sister, not his parent. It’s your parents’ job to make sure your brother has care in their absence and they should not be expecting you to step in all the time to fill that role.
Not to mention you’re a kid too and being a round-the-clock babysitter should not be something you need to do.
Your focus right now should only be on school, your friends and just being a kid. I would honestly simply refuse to do it.
Your mom goes on runs without asking if that’s cool with you so you should say hey next week I have to stay after school with my teacher so I won’t be around.” DinnerGlass
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But, given the age difference, baby brother may have been a surprise to your parents and they may be scrambling to find a way to keep the household going.
Uber drivers don’t make much, so paying $10 (which is, sadly, above minimum wage where I live) may be out of the question and even $5/hr is going to make serious in-roads to an uber driver’s take-home pay. Of course, it’s not your responsibility, but it may be the economic reality.
It might be better to address your time concerns. You can respect that everyone needs to pitch in, but it needs to be proportionate to parent/child levels. Try having a discussion with them when everyone is calm (not during an argument or when someone is about to head out the door) and explain how you are feeling.
You can tell them that you respect their hard work. You can let them know that you understand that their jobs cause them to work odd hours. And, you can tell them that your needs have to be considered in the schedule as well. Some key points seem to be:
- You do not miss school to care for your brother. Right now school is your ‘job’ and your level of success can seriously affect your future.
- You need time after school to do school work and to socialize/be in activities.
- There should be a set maximum of ‘free’ babysitting time per week – comparable to the idea of any kid doing chores around the house.
After that, mom, dad, or grandma need to step up or you need to be paid.
- Babysitting is babysitting, not child-rearing. A babysitter keeps a child safe, reasonably clean, and fed. A babysitter is not responsible for teaching a child appropriate behavior.
- Your brother, at 4, may qualify for free pre-school programs in your area.
Your parents should look into that and see if they can schedule their work obligations primarily around the time when he is in school.
Hopefully, a reality check about what your life is like right now will help. Because, sadly, you are right – you have very little leverage in this situation.
I don’t know what consequences your parents would impose, but a simple refusal to watch your brother until they are willing to discuss a more equitable arrangement would seem to be the next step.
On the plus side, your brother will be in kindergarten soon and your parents, mom, in particular, should be able to do work while both of you are in school.” Electronic_Toe5282
14. AITJ For Shutting My Neighbor's Dog Up Using A Whistle?
“A few months ago I had to move flats because my old one had a bunch of recurring problems that weren’t getting fixed, and the place I’ve moved to now was the only place that really worked for me in terms of rent and location.
A few weeks into peacefully living there, my neighbor began leaving her backdoor open, where her miniature schnauzer goes out at random intervals of the day to bark at basically everything that passes their property. I don’t know if this is a new thing or if I somehow didn’t notice before, but there is no way I’m unnoticing it now.
It’s surrounded on 3 sides by a tiny fence barely tall enough to reach my knees, so this dog sees, and barks at, basically everything all day every day. It’s been going on as late as 2 AM which is unacceptable.
She also randomly takes in other dogs that belong to what I assume are family members, who are just as little and just as aggressive and yappy, so when there is a second/third dog in the mix they are all 10x worse because they encourage each other to bark.
I’ve been around several times to ask her to please stop her dogs from barking so much as it’s affecting my sleep and always get some dismissive excuse like ‘I’ll take her in soon’, which never happens. I have crazy amounts of misophonia, and I have ADHD and Aspergers too so my ability to get over this or filter it out is abysmal.
One time I even had to go around at 2 AM because this woman took in a relative’s dog that would NOT stop barking for even a minute. She told me she couldn’t get it inside because she has ‘balance issues’, so I had to do it myself and chase the dog in like I was herding sheep.
Now if you ask me, someone like this is not fit to own a dog. They require regular walks and playing, and can’t just be left outside to harass the entire neighborhood out of boredom. I’ve tried getting the local dog warden involved, who can only ‘give advice’, and I’ve even tried leaving an anonymous letter threatening legal action, but nothing has worked. Until recently.
I bought a dog whistle, and for the past few days, every time the dog goes outside and barks its head off, I open my window and blow the whistle in its direction. It goes nuts, and often just storms off back inside. My neighbor caught me doing this and shouts at me demanding that I stop, but I refuse to.
I told her if she can’t train her dog then I’ll do it myself. I am breaking no laws as nobody is being harmed and I am within my own home, so I am completely protected. The whistle is also like 15,000Hz so it is barely audible to humans so I’m not exactly causing noise pollution.
I’ve mentioned this to another neighbor because they saw me doing it, and they think I am being unreasonable. I think leaving a dog outside all day to drive the entire neighborhood nuts is unreasonable. This is my only remaining option and the only one that seems to work, but some people seem to think I am in the wrong for trying to dictate how this woman treats her dog.
I’ve mentioned this to my family and they tell me to go for a walk or get out of the house, but I can’t just do that every time this dog decides to have a barking fit, especially given how random and unpredictable it is.
This barking is giving me CRAZY amounts of stress to the point where I am having anxiety attacks in my own home, and I think I am right in defending my ability to quietly exist in my own home. How my other neighbors can defend the barking, let alone stomach it, is genuinely beyond me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need and are entitled to some peaceful sleep. You told her numerous times to take the dog inside or make it bark less and she didn’t do anything about it, even though there are a lot of ways to do that that are harmless to animals.
Leaving your dog outside to bark at 2 am at night is disrespectful and jerkish behavior.” otinanairebro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your family is telling you to go out of the house and go for a walk… at 2 am?… Do that and give them a call and let them know you took their advice and figured that they’d be okay keeping you company while you went on your walk as they think sleeping shouldn’t be important to you, it shouldn’t be to them either.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do you share the same landlord? Complain and document like crazy. Also, when it is after 11 at night take a video recording for at least ten minutes of the dog barking. Then call the police. The dog warden might not be able to do anything, but that is against local noise ordinances.
Continuous dog barking is the same as someone having a loud party late at night. Show them the video, shoot, continue taping the noise, and even the police showing up to the call, that way you can prove beyond doubt when, where, and what time that dog was barking.
The dog whistle doesn’t hurt, only annoys them, so it is fine. Get an air horn so if your neighbor starts complaining you can blast it. Train her butt too!” Corduroycat1
And ignore your other neighbor. And don’t be telling the whole neighborhood that you bought a dog whistle since they most likely can’t hear it anyway.
13. AITJ For Reacting Negatively When My Niece Said She Wants To Be A Trophy Wife Like Me?
“My niece is 17 so she’s started thinking about her career/university. Yesterday, the family was asking her if she had decided what she wanted to do with her life. She told them her dream job was the same job as my job. Everyone assumed she meant she wanted to work in marketing because that’s what I’m currently doing.
My niece said that’s not what she wants to do and she wanted to be a trophy wife. Admittedly, this is a sore spot for me because a lot of my extended family went from treating me like someone who had worked hard to get where I currently am to a glorified trophy wife the second I got married.
My parents did call her out for what she said but my niece said her dad said that’s what I was. I got annoyed and I ended up calling my brother-in-law a jerk and telling my niece I didn’t think it was a realistic dream for her.
My sister is upset with me for what I said to my niece and claims that her husband was only joking.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Let’s face it – your sister is upset because she and her husband got caught bad-mouthing you and are covering their embarrassment by getting mad at you.
What they should be doing is apologizing to you for talking trash about you behind your back.
As far as what you told your niece and your BIL – it was entirely appropriate. What did your sister expect you to say? That they were correct and what they said was fine?
Her husband was not joking – ‘I was just joking’ is the mating call of the jerk when they get caught.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – ‘telling my niece I didn’t think it was a realistic dream for her’ does not make you a jerk.
The idea that someone wants to be a professional trophy wife, and the idea that your brother-in-law (AND SISTER) isn’t nipping that in the bud is weirder than everyone thinking that you are. There is nothing wrong with any arrangement a couple willingly decides is best for them, but I find it weird that everyone was okay with her saying that.
I think your best move here is to have a frank conversation with your niece about what you actually do, explain that you’re not sure why the family feels you’re just a trophy wife, and find a way to get that girl some help understanding that she should find ways to empower herself.
I feel like she needs a parent here.” ToxicLogics
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You literally work, you are not a ‘trophy wife’ as that term implies that someone does nothing other than serving as an accessory to their spouse. I’m assuming your husband earns significantly more than you, otherwise, I can literally not understand why on earth they’d refer to you as a ‘trophy wife’ when it seems as though you have a perfectly decent job, and regardless of whether you do work/don’t work/whatever you do with your life, your niece is old enough to know better than to be so rude.
And her parents should have brought her up better than that and shouldn’t be calling you things like that behind your back or especially to their children. Your niece and her parents are the jerks.” Sea_Entrepreneur_279
Without having the details, I’m going to guess that your husband earns a significant amount of money, probably more than you do. Which probably means that sister & husband are envious, which makes them try to cut you down.
17 year old niece…trying to stir the pot. There’s a possibility that it’s because she was trying to “bring to light” her parents bad behavior so you’d know. Or she’s as nasty as her parents. At 17, I would have been smart enough to know that “trophy wife” wasn’t a compliment. So her ulterior motive depends on your and her relationship. If it’s been a close loving relationship, she may have been trying to bring it to light by playing the innocent “but Mom & Dad it’s what you said so I didn’t think it was bad”. If your relationship isn’t that close, then she’s a product of being raised by nasty parents.
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To The Gym With My Friend After He Rescheduled?
“I (24f) had a set up to meet a friend (25m) at the gym at 2 pm a few days ago as our schedules often clash. The day arrives and hours before the gym time, he asked to confirm if I was arriving at 2 pm and I pretty much confirmed the arrival time.
However by the time I arrived at the gym, I had notified him and he genuinely thought that I would arrive later (around 2:30 pm to 3 pm), apologized, and told me to come in for the session at 4:30 pm the same day instead as he hasn’t eaten lunch yet.
Unfortunately, my friend has a history of being unpunctual and while this is a trait that I dislike the most about him, I have been rather accommodating about his unpunctuality in the past, yet this was the straw that has broken the camel’s back for me.
I let him know how that the time I arrive ‘is definite unless I say so’ and politely refused to go to the later session and thanked him for inviting me and I went back home completely annoyed and disrespected.
I wanted to know if my feelings and actions were justified or if I was just being petty.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your time is valuable and when a time for a meeting has been set it’s absolutely fair to expect people to be there on time. It’s quite weird that he confirmed the time with you the day of and then randomly believed that you’d be arriving later.
Maybe he had some other excuse. Poor communication on his part and quite a lame thing to do as a friend.” thebeancounter24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re not being petty. People who have that kind of problem with time are really frustrating to deal with.
The only thing to keep in mind is that it’s not about respect, it’s more like a micro-mental disorder.
Still, don’t add to your frustration by wasting more of your time. Do exactly what you did.” jdogx17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ also maybe ‘no jerks here’.
You are def not a jerk for not wanting to wait around or come back later. I can’t tell if your friend is flaky or if they are just chronically late. Might be worth having a heart-to-heart about how when they are late, it is like disrespecting/wasting your time.
I had a friend talk to me about this, bc I was late A LOT, and I honestly turned it around and we are better for it.” hilarioustrainwreck
11. AITJ For Getting Upset About How My Stepmom Is Treating My Dad's Passing?
“My step-mom (36) and my dad (39) were together for 15 years before my dad passed in May 2021. My stepmom, father, and I (23) have always been really close but after my father’s passing we got even closer talking and seeing each other every day until I left to teach English in Spain, an opportunity I applied for before his passing.
I recently came home for spring break to visit my family and spoke with my SM. She had told me that she was starting to meet people again and was wondering how I felt about that. I said it was okay with me as she was so young and I didn’t expect her to be single forever and my father would want her to be happy.
The only thing that would bother me is if she wasn’t respectful of my father’s memory. That I wanted her to move forward and not move past him. In a regular breakup, you wanna move past it, forget about your ex and move on.
Whereas I want her to respect my father, stay a part of our family, and even still celebrate his birthday (the same day as my birthday), and even their wedding anniversary.
She told me she didn’t agree with that at all and thought it was weird.
That she wouldn’t put his urn away and pretend he never existed but to talk about him or celebrate those days would be weird. On a different date, she also said she didn’t wanna get a memorial tattoo, as she had previously wanted to because her new man might not like some other dude’s name tatted on her.
She said that if her new husband was a widower and still talked about his wife it would be a red flag and she refuses to go out with that person or be that person.
I told her I thought that was immature and that only an insecure person would think like that.
In my eyes, if I had a husband that had a previous wife that passed away while they were still together I would honor that. Especially if they had children. While she is my step mom she has been around since I was only 6 years old and was more supportive than my real mother.
If you are someone that is jealous of a dead person you have to be insecure! Of course, you still love your deceased spouse and want to be with them. If it wasn’t for them passing you would never be available. They said their vows and were deeply in love, it’s impossible to say there aren’t residual feelings and emotions.
I would celebrate my husband’s late spouse’s birthday, save a chair for them on special occasions, and interact with their family if they felt comfortable. I don’t see why you would possibly have a problem with that as it’s not just any old ex, it is a love that was lost and you should be respectful of it.
She got extremely upset and said that just because the previous partner was gone doesn’t change it. An ex is an ex and it’s inappropriate.
So AITJ for this?
ADDITION: No, my issue isn’t that she won’t get the tattoo. That’s fine whatever.
My issue is what she says regarding her next man. It’s not that she’s grieving a certain way or that she won’t tattoo or that she’s moving on to the next man, I don’t have a problem with any of that.
It’s the way she is worried about what the next person will think about the memory of a deceased partner, that’s what I find immature or would make the partner that is jealous of a dead person insecure. That is more what the post is about.
Earlier I said, if I heard anyone not just my mother talking like this I would think that. I have a problem that she says ‘my next man’ as in the fact that she is putting some other random man’s feelings about a deceased partner over the memory of said partner.
Like if you were in her shoes and started seeing people and a man wouldn’t marry you because you choose to remember your previous partner in a ‘healthy way’ (I understand not everyone would do the things I would be willing to do ie visiting with the family or celebrating a birthday).
That’s weird, toxic, and a red flag that a man would feel negatively about my late partner. That’s what this post is about. That’s why I said those things to her.
I suppose I’m not making a comment about her grief process but more so about the relationships that would follow, and how I think it’s kind of toxic to be jealous of a previous partner in that way (as she said she would as well) and how she is so willing to please the new man that she would kinda toss the previous one to the side.
I understand it’s her relationship and not my place to comment but we were also just kind of talking about relationships overall.”
Another User Comments:
“On the whole tattoo thing, if she wants to get one to honor him, but not make it obvious, is there a symbol she can use?
When my dad passed away, my sister got a moon and stars to represent him working for NASA, but didn’t put his name or anything.
Also, I get where your pain is. I agree with you wholeheartedly in that any future spouse who can’t handle signs and affections related to a previous partner is not someone worthy of being with.
That being said, there is a difference between them being disrespectful to you and the memory, and you being respectful to them. Your stepmom has made it clear she doesn’t want to effectively shove her previous love in his face.
People grieve differently and there is no right way.
After my dad was gone, I resented my mom for a while. After his passing, she’d donated nearly 90% of his belongings and then started on a remodel to change the inside of the house to the point that I didn’t recognize my childhood home anymore.
I thought she was trying to erase my dad, but that wasn’t it at all. She was trying to erase the memories of his suffering towards the end. My dad’s final days were spent slowly in agony. It was not a good way to go.
She needed that change to be able to live in the home without the feeling of oppression. She needed to effectively cleanse the home.
For me, it would be the other way around. Funny enough though, my mom still celebrates dad’s birthday, but I don’t.
You are hurting, but don’t forget that she is as well. She will cope with his loss and navigate future relationships in whatever way she feels most comfortable. She isn’t trying to hide your dad or worried that a partner will be a jerk about it.
I’m not going to call you the jerk either. No jerks here at this time, but if you persist and make her feel terrible, then you would be.
I forget to mention that her referring to him as an ex is hurtful, but I also don’t think she meant it that way.
I think it’s just her way of dealing with the transition from a person she’s been with for so long to someone else… like she is distancing herself emotionally from him in an effort to be able to move forward.” Notsogoodadvicegiver
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Just because YOU would want a memorial tattoo, save a seat at tables for your late husband, and still celebrate special occasions, it doesn’t mean you suddenly get to decide how others grieve. While a tattoo is a great way to honor someone, it serves as a reminder of what you’ve lost, the same with celebrating birthdays and anniversaries.
She is a widow now and it’s unfair to label her as immature and insecure for trying to move on in her own way. She has no obligation to do things in a way that will please you.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but somewhat inexperienced in terms of how relationships work.
It’s one thing to ask her to acknowledge your birthday (which happens to also be your father’s), quite another to expect her to ‘celebrate’ a wedding anniversary with someone deceased. Of course, any new partner she acquires would view that as a sign she’s not yet ready to move on.
But it’s been not even a year since she was widowed so it’s unlikely she’s looking to get into anything serious just yet. Seeing other people doesn’t necessarily mean she’s going to be planning a wedding any time soon. I’m very sorry for your loss.” DplusLplusKplusM
Another User Comments:
“Gentle ‘everyone sucks here’. I do think it’s incredibly out of line for your stepmother to say that having a deceased partner who passed away amidst your relationship is the same as any other ex and that even talking about him is weird.
What happens if her ‘new man’ asks about the urn on her shelf? Would she lie about it for the sake of ‘moving on’? It honestly sounds like she hasn’t really processed this grief based on the way you’ve described their relationship, and she’s rushing to find something else to fill that void.
In my opinion, your ‘wanting her to move forward and not move past him’ is a natural and healthy response – respecting and maintaining someone’s memory is how you can continue to love them beyond the grave.
However, my gentle ‘everyone sucks here’ is that I don’t think you should be upset over what exactly she will and won’t do.
There’s undoubtedly a part of your stepmom that is grieving so much that she would simply rather not address it and treat it like a breakup, and that isn’t okay, especially to say to the man’s child. It’s okay to be upset over that, but focusing on her individual actions is likely to make her feel like you’re attacking her as a person and not her unhealthy response to this grief and loss.
I strongly urge you to guide her towards individual counseling, and slightly later on maybe family counseling for the both of you together. If she’s unwilling, I would suggest you write her a letter explaining how you love her and value the relationship you’ve had with each other greatly, but treating your late father’s death as any other breakup is not a form of grieving you feel okay with.
I’m sure there are better words for this, I hope they’ll find you.
I’m so sorry for your loss, best of luck.” phoebeleft
10. AITJ For Not Wanting My Son's Thieving Friend In My House?
“My son has a friend who we will call ‘Will’. I first met Will in 2020 whenever my son tried to move him into our house and tell Will he could stay there without asking me about it first. After three days, I kicked Will out and told my son that he wasn’t allowed in my house anymore.
A month later Will convinced my son to help him steal $350 from me and my son and I got into a fight over it and my son stopped talking to me for two or three months.
Since then I have told my son that wherever I live Will is not allowed because I do not want a thief in my house.
Last night my son asked if he could come over and hang out and I told him yes. He said ‘can I bring Will?’ I said no so my son gave me the ultimatum that either I have to let his thief ‘friend’ into my house or he’s not going to see me anymore.
Told me that I was being childish because I wouldn’t ‘get over a nonsense beef’. My son does not live with me anymore, I have not told him that he can’t be friends with this person, the only thing I have said is that I do not want this person at my house.
I’m curious to know if anyone else thinks I’m being childish. Really am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and please be careful around your son as well. This really smells like the patterns of a substance issue. Your son is showing classic signs of addiction-supporting behaviors.
Being family won’t protect you from him if that is the case and you should also worry about your thieving son as well. He was just as complicit in that theft, regardless of whose idea it is, and then had no remorse. He didn’t speak to you to punish you for holding them accountable for that crime.
If substances are involved this will only get worse. Stealing from family is when their use has gotten too expensive for their own means. Right after selling anything they have of value. So be careful.” Mindless-Solution-32
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your house your rules, and if your son does not agree then tell him he is not welcome to visit if he tries to bring his friend Will over.
I get the feeling he is trying to pull a fast one on you, to use emotions and ultimatums to get you to allow his friend to visit him. Probably to steal from you again. I don’t bring friends when I visit my father so why does he need to bring Will to visit you?
That is the Million Dollar Question. If he wants to hang out and insists on bringing Will, tell him you will meet him at a restaurant or park instead because Will is not welcome in your home. It is not childish or unreasonable either, by the way.” Scarletzoe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – wanting to raise good humans is hard, legit hard and that includes making rules that sometimes your child fails at. Eventually, he will either understand, forgive and grow up OR he goes down that path with Will, which doesn’t support him but always be supportive that that’s the decision he is making, reinforcing you love him and always will be there for him when he chooses the better path.” CategoryFearless684
9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Bond With My Partner's Friends?
“I (30f) began going out with my significant other (m35) about 9 months ago.
We met because I am friends with his cousin. For the most part, I get along well with his male friends but his female friends have proven difficult. At first, as expected, it was pretty cold. I am the newcomer to the circle, and these folks have known each other since high school.
In general, we have mostly socialized at bars which have been pretty loud so even though I try to put my phone down while I’m out, I didn’t think much of the women spending loads of time on their phones. I also know that I don’t say very much and I tend to smoke which makes me talk even less.
As the months rolled on we haven’t seen much of these female friends but it feels like there was some nuisance every time we got together. I put it down to drinking and needing attention but last time I noticed a series of what felt like jabs and I’ve decided I simply do not want to hang out anywhere these women will be found.
Context: when I and my SO go out he’s very social and knows loads of people so he’ll be out and around mingling which is normally fine because I do try hard to relate to people and I’m also okay being alone.
I am a sensitive person, over-sensitive even, but I think that women know women so when woman A says ‘nice to meet you’ when we’ve met 3 times, woman B says ‘yeah I could tell’ when I attempted to relate to her with our eyelash extensions and woman C (who my SO has said is a jealous and manipulative person and also his closest friend of these women) is offering to interrupt my partner’s dance with woman B so she can make him dance with me I feel less like a partner and more like an intruder on the evening.
Woman C is a quiet ringleader and has some strange tendencies to control parties. When my SO hosted something in Feb she INSISTED on musical chairs at 3 AM. At the same party, she also insisted on pulling men aside for private conversations about her brother’s personal life.
At the last get-together, at the bar, she was trying to get my SO to try some kinda kinky stuff on me with an ice cube she’d pulled from an ice bucket.
Are these 35-year-old women acting like high schoolers or am I totally uptight?
AITJ for preemptively declining every invite to where we might share space because being alone with them is so uncomfortable for me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you need to consider if this relationship is worth having to deal with these friends and potential drama.
Your partner is clearly used to this kind of behavior and actively organizes/participates. And you can’t ask him to change or to cut out people he considers his friends. Even though I was kind of shocked that at the end you reiterated that these people are 35 and not 21.
Do your lives really still match or are you slowly outgrowing each other and requiring different needs in life? It sounds like you’re trying to blame it solely on these ‘female friends’ without looking at the big picture.” BlondiLocks589
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Been there, done that.
These girls will be a nightmare forever and your partner is honestly a blockhead for not realizing the shenanigans they put you through. You can go out with someone and not get along with their friends, it happens.” Impishclown
8. AITJ For Getting My Coworker Fired?
“This happened a couple of years ago when I worked at a manufacturing site.
I worked in the engineering department and a new guy who had just started who had worked at the business previously, left, then returned to a warm welcome following a couple of years hiatus.
He was above me hierarchically but I didn’t report to him, which was good because I thought he was kind of arrogant and petty.
We get sent on a course together which involves an overnight stay in a different city and inevitably get chatting where he tells me he does illegal stuff, he’s a bit of a gangster, and ‘You wouldn’t believe some of the things I’ve done’ which rubbed me up the wrong way and was a clear play to make himself out to be somehow superior to me.
Anyway, he then tells me he sells illegal stuff to colleagues on-site, and I, being sick of his bravado, promptly grass him up for this when we get back from the course.
Needless to say, things move at lightning speed and he gets sacked immediately, much to the dismay of many at the site who were fond of him.
And I believe I am entirely to blame.
On the one hand, I’ve just messed this guy’s life up by getting him sacked in a pretty humiliating way and I feel especially bad because I feel that this was motivated more by my personal dislike of him than any genuine wrongdoing.
But on the other hand, anything related to illegal substances is bad (and illegal) and it could have defamed the company causing serious wider repercussions. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if it was later independently discovered that he was selling illegal stuff and that you knew about it and said nothing you would have probably faced consequences from your employer as well.” froot_loop_dingus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – purely from a safety and liability standpoint, this was the right thing to do and I have done something similar in the past.” K-Dub76
7. AITJ For Not Trusting My Kids Anymore?
“I had a cousin that stopped talking to me about 5 years ago, but never told me why.
We used to be really close and I kept asking him what I had done to alienate him from me. He would say ‘nothing, I am just too busy to be around you.’
I asked my other cousins if they knew why he stopped talking to me.
They said yes they did, but if they told me why he was upset at me then that would be taking my side & they prefer to take his side. (!!)
Meanwhile, they stopped talking to my 85-year-old mom also.
5 years later, my mom passed away without ever knowing what happened. My adult kids (41yo son / 38yo daughter) are well aware of the situation with the cousins.
Meanwhile, my daughter has a friend’s wedding in the city where my son & his family live, so they planned to spend some time together. I jumped at the chance of seeing all the grandkids together & offered to visit also & babysit so they could all go out if they wanted to.
Turns out my kids had been contacted by one of the cousins & they were all getting together while my daughter visited & I was told in no uncertain terms that I was not welcomed. I was also told it was MY issue with the cousins, not their issue.
My heartbreak is beyond deep. I feel so betrayed by my own children & punished by everyone for a mystery offense. It’s like I have been put in jail & not told what my crime is.
AITJ for not wanting to be around my kids & not trusting them anymore?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you appear to be the one demanding other people cut family off. The crux of this issue seems to actually be that your daughter has a trip planned that you were not invited on and you tried to invite yourself.
Maybe examine this behavior a bit – do you do this kind of thing a lot? Because to me that is a hint of why your family may have distanced themselves from you over the years.” OrangeCubit
Another User Comments:
“There is tons of context missing.
The long and short is no one owes you the reasons. They’ve decided for whatever reason not to address the issues directly with you. And instead of being an adult, accepting reality and going on about your business, you’re playing ‘oh poor me, I don’t know why’ to a bunch of internet strangers.
If this is enough to bring you to here saying you don’t want to be around them or trust them anymore then yeah, YTJ. I’d suggest a professional who knows how to see through missing reasons nonsense to help you unpack things if you have any hope of repairing the ruptures.
Your kids are right, whatever is going on with the cousins is something they don’t want to get involved in and they are right to do so if they’ve been asked to keep it in confidence. Instead of admiring that your children have good boundaries, you’re making it about you.” Gradual_Sigh
Another User Comments:
“Here’s the thing. I honestly think you need therapy.
Your kids meeting their relatives is not a betrayal. They are not punishing you by talking to someone else in your family. Their social life does not need to be affected by yours.
Your non-relationship is not a reason why they shouldn’t have a relationship with their family members. Your falling out is not their falling out. You do not get to force them to choose sides. You do not get to choose who they hang out with because of what happened in the past.
They do not have to invite you if they all don’t want you there. Maybe they want this meet-up to be removed completely from the prior family drama? You need therapy so you can learn to separate issues, and how to get over whatever happened in the past.
Being harsh and going for the honest and probably painful truth, you punishing your children with your heartbreak because they got an invite is not fair to you or them.
Stop pushing your past trauma onto your children and your grandchildren, and get help to deal with it.” bitternerdette
6. WIBTJ If I Don't Want To Spend My Holiday Visiting My Mother-In-Law?
“So far this year I’ve booked annual leave for birthday weekends, picking up elderly aunts from airports, helping people move, when my son’s childminder needs time off, and also for seeing MIL who lives abroad.
These days I have used up most of my leave already and I have a week’s worth that I want to use to take a holiday and actually chill out for a change.
MIL is desperate for us to visit in the summer and bring our son, however, I have already spent a week there and as mentioned I want to use my leftover leave for relaxing. I explained to her nicely that I would like a holiday this year and I’m running low on days.
She has taken issue with this as a week at her house ‘is a holiday’.
She can visit, but it’s expensive so she doesn’t and hasn’t for a long time.
My husband could and will go alone but I’m not 100% comfortable with him taking our son due to the childproofing being nonexistent and I usually watch him like a hawk.
My husband also gets roped into lots of jobs so I worry about who will watch him. We also will make trips there and back to collect his daughter (who we would like to take on holiday) and she would rather spend time with her brother than at her grandparents.
Would I be a jerk to refuse?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Visiting in-laws is a VISIT, not a holiday. A holiday is where you can relax, do what you want, eat what you want and basically not worry about other people. A visit is living under someone else’s roof, abiding by their rules, eating what they cook/provide/ suggest, going where they need/want to go…” Nennygym
Another User Comments:
“Magic words: ‘Sorry, it’s not going to work out this year. But I appreciate the interest and we’ll consider it next year. That’s my final word on the subject.’
NTJ” SquallkLeon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I definitely wouldn’t consider being at my MIL’s house a Holiday.
At the end of the day, it’s your annual leave and if you don’t want to visit her you don’t have to.” Just_the_doctor1988
5. AITJ For "Manipulating" My Friend's Cat?
“My friend A has this cat that I love named Roki. He’s quiet, and super chill, but also adventurous and social. Whenever people are around, he’ll walk along the guardrails of the upper level and seemingly fly down to come to meet and ‘chat.’ Every time I’m over, Roki will come to sit with me and hang out or follow me into the yard and run around.
So one day, I got this hilarious idea that I thought would bring me closer to Roki. I bought this little motorized chihuahua on Amazon that barks and walks around and I set it free in the living room. I figured cats are natural hunters and that I was going to impress Roki.
So I’m upstairs by the guardrail that he usually likes to come out to when people are over and he walks to the edge and notices the dog. As he’s inspecting from a distance, I climb to the other side of the guardrail and start to hang off, then pounce on the dog and quickly flip off its switch.
Roki looked at me in a really inquisitive manner, jumped down, and inspected the ‘body.’ If anything, he just seemed a little confused but normal. From then on, it became like a game for us where I’ll just set the dog free and we’ll take turns ‘hunting’ it.
Well, my friend’s roommate (P) said that I’m creating a monster in Roki and that soon he’ll be bringing in dead animals. It’s been months, and that has yet to happen, but A (who’s cat it is) doesn’t have a problem with it and thinks it’s hilarious.
I and Roki occasionally will play that game but it’s not every time I’m over there, and it’s not like I’m there more than once a week, if that. And to be clear, our other friend P isn’t really upset, he tends to be a high anxiety kind of person that thinks the worst case of many situations.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The fact you tried to ‘impress’ Roki had me giggle, that’s so wholesome! You can’t ‘teach’ a cat to attack as the roommate accused you of: they’re natural hunters like you said, and most cat toys are designed to ‘bring out’ the hunter in them in a playful way like you’re doing.
Also, be warned, the cat may one day present you with something it killed, and that’s again natural and not a result of your playing with the robot dog. They present them as gifts lol. My cat dumped a spider on my chest the other day, she was so proud.
EDIT: should add best to supervise cats outside so they don’t hurt or get hurt by wildlife trying to hunt!” Conscious_Carry_9205
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Cats have hunting instincts, and you’re just playing with those. If anything, burning off the energy with you and the toy makes him less likely to hunt anything outside.
But make sure he has a collar with a bell on it. Then, if he goes for something while he’s outside, the prey will know about it and have a chance to escape.” FireFurFox
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Cats are predators, so they play like predators.
Giving the cat a toy it can ‘hunt’ is exactly how you’re supposed to do it, and you are. If the cat enjoys it, then I fail to see what the issue is — especially if the owner approves.” zszal
4. AITJ For Making My Jobless Roommate Move Out?
“I (35f) have been roommates with him (39m)for almost 2 years. We met 4 years ago. He moved in October of 2019.
I own my home and was not in need of a roommate when he moved in. He had been down on his luck and living from couch to couch or in his car.
We met through my cousin who is his best friend. When he first moved in everything was great.
We hung out, had fun, and split bills accordingly. We never had arguments about doing dishes, cleaning, or other roommate arguments for the first few months.
Fast forward to April of 2020. Just recently, we were both laid off. I was still able to pay all household bills.
Including at times for some of his personal bills, we were friends and he always pays me back. Well, I got a job working from home in June of 2020 and was making triple the amount I was making before, and he was having a hard time finding a job.
I did not mind because at this point I could afford to pay all the bills. This is where the fighting started.
First I notice that he was drinking more. And sleeping more. It’s like he lost his drive to find a new job.
He would go to day labor for a few weeks enough to get caught up on bills then go back to drinking and sleeping. I thought that he was getting depressed from not being able to find a stable job. As someone who suffers from depression, I did not want to see my friend go through this.
Well at this point we were arguing almost every night sometimes about chores and sometimes about the political unrest happening around this time. He had threatened to move out countless times all the while not ‘keeping’ a job and not really paying any bills. This went on till October of 2020.
He finds a job and all is good. I write the arguing and drinking due to the stress of 2020 and we go back to the friendship we had before. In March of 2021, he quits his job. And the drinking and arguing started again. This time it’s getting personal. We go days or weeks not seeing each other or talking.
He is still paying rent so as long as we are not talking everything is fine. May of 2021 when he gets a better job we talk more and rekindle what friendship we have left. He works this job until April 1 of 2022. He gets sick and gets fired from his job for his attendance.
And the arguing starts again. This time when he said that he going to move out I tell him to go. I’m currently writing an eviction notice if he decides not to leave. So AITJ for putting him out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this person came into your life as a mess, he was already borderline at best.
You are carrying a heavy drinker for no reason. You aren’t together, family, or lifelong friends. Roommates are essentially a business-type relationship, it’s nice if you can be friendly… but it’s a situation of convenience.
Their bad behavior ONLY gets worse over time, unless they are internally motivated and do a ton of 12-step work.
This guy ain’t it.
That you are confused, is a hint that you have already been sucked into his craziness. If he acted like this on day one? You would have never put up with this.
That’s how people like this operate, they put on an act to seem ideal, and once they have secured what they want, they relax and show you who they really are.
For normal, emotionally healthy people, it’s super confusing. Where did the awesome person go? What changed? Nothing you did, it’s how narcissists operate.
If you don’t know, there is a self-help 12-step program for people whose lives are being hurt by a heavy drinker called Al-Anon.
Their book is good too.
Essentially, you are in a SUPER common situation when anyone is exposed to an addict too much. It’s literally crazy-making.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here…? It’s a tough call and I might change this around as I think about it, but it’s your call to evict him, and if you think it’ll cause financial hardship then you’re within your rights.
However, if he just lost the job, why move so fast? He’s got time to find another one before the money runs out, and it really sounds like you’re trying to parent him here over his mistake and let him feel the price of it as if he hasn’t already.
Of course, history gives you a justification for wanting to do so, but it hasn’t happened yet.
As for his depression sometimes people need a kick in the pants to break out of it and get their lives together (I certainly did!), or it could make it worse.
Depends on his attitude but maybe keep an eye on it” Few-Cookie9298
Another User Comments:
“It’s really hard when we want to help our community but don’t have assistance ourselves. I always think it’s lovely when we all can help each other, but I recognize, that that goes both ways.
If he’s doing nothing to help himself, then it is a huge burden on you to pay for everything and support him in the many ways you do.
I might suggest having a very candid conversation that might allow for discussion. ‘Hey friend, look, I understand things are really hard, and I can see you’re self-medicating and doing everything you can to stay afloat, but it’s really becoming too much for me.
I have no bandwidth to give you anymore and I’m wondering, is there anything you can do to help alleviate the situation? If not, I’m going to have to ask you to leave, but if there’s something you can do, I’d like to discuss it.’
I don’t know…I’m very much a supporter of communication. Honest communication. Let him know where you are and how little left you have to give (if any at all). I definitely say NTJ because I think as humans, we need to have some self-awareness of how we are treating others.
It’s possible he’s got some mental health issues happening… it sounds it… but it’s not up to you to solve that.” online_anomie
3. AITJ For Being Concerned About My Sister?
“I (F22) have three sisters we’ll call, Alice (33), Isla (16), and Jodie (8). My oldest sister hasn’t really been around much since I was a kid so growing up it was just me and Isla.
My parents worked as did my grandparents so from the age of about 11/12 I was left babysitting my little sister a lot and because of this I feel we have less of a sibling relationship and more of a parent/child relationship. I’ll be the first to admit I hate it.
Well anyway, so Isla recently, completely out of the blue, decided she wanted out of school and into a job. That is fair enough. School isn’t for everyone. Do I think given that since she’s only got a year and a bit left she should finish?
Yes but it’s not up to me. At the end of the day, I’m not her parent. The issue came that she’s suddenly decided to go into a job that she’s stated in the past she never ever wanted to do (by the past I mean in the last year).
This struck me as odd and honestly like she was trying to follow her partner who had gotten a job in the same career but she denied it when asked citing that she’d had recent experience working in that field on a volunteering thing (that her partner was also at) and had come to love it.
Recently she messaged to tell me that she’d gotten a job in the field she wanted. Obviously, I congratulated her because at the end of the day she is my sister and I am genuinely happy for her if it’s really what she wants. I asked the usual questions about where it was, what her weeks would be like, was she excited, and when she’d start.
This was where the issue occurred, she was due to start in two weeks. Right around exam season at school which she’s got to complete to finish out the year. This is where I might be the jerk. I asked her if she was planning to drop out then which I thought was a fair question, it’s a four-day-a-week job from first thing in the morning until about dinner time which doesn’t leave a lot of room for studying.
She told me no, she planned to stick it out despite this.
I expressed my concerns about how it was probably going to be pretty full-on, that she’d never worked a job before and so might struggle to do both. She completely exploded on me about how I can’t just be supportive which wasn’t my intention at all I just wanted to make sure she’d considered everything before taking the job.
But now I’m getting messages from the family saying that I was completely in the wrong, I’ve apologized saying it really wasn’t my intention not to be supportive but I genuinely don’t think I was the jerk when I was just concerned.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Those are pretty normal questions to ask someone. The rest of your family can’t expect to put that much responsibility on you and then suddenly expect you to come at the world from an irresponsible perspective.
‘Can I handle starting a new job and studying for and taking my end-of-year exams?’ Is a question anyone should ask themselves regardless of age in that position.” winsomebunny
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – at least in the US, dropping out of school is about the most damaging thing for her future. Having a diploma is the floor to getting any job that can provide real financial stability. Where are the parents and other relatives here???
You are 22, and none of this should be on you.” RNH213PDX
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were forced into a parenting role with her and I see how you would want to raise these questions with her. Especially if your parents aren’t involved with her as parents.
But she’s 16. At this point let her make her own mistakes. She can always work for a GED later on.” Paevatar
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go On A Trip With My Mom On My Partner's Birthday?
“My mother and I have a complicated relationship and she is going through a divorce/is currently not the most stable person. I am graduating from graduate school and my mother has graciously offered to plan a trip to Hawaii as a graduation gift. She gets free hotels and booked a week for us months ago, I never confirmed I could go and always told her it would depend on if I get a job/could take the time off, but that I would try my best to make it.
Granted, my mother would still go even if I couldn’t make it.
I’ve been seeing someone new for the past 6 months and we’re moving in together at the end of this month. My mother has met them and loves them, to the point of inviting them on this trip.
However, my partner’s birthday is two days into the trip so we’ve all planned for us to come for the second half of the week she booked instead of the whole thing. I.e. Tuesday – Saturday instead of Saturday – Saturday. The other day my mother texted me asking to come the whole week and miss my partner’s birthday and the weekend we would celebrate with our friends.
She knows how important my partner is to me and straight-up said she just wanted to spend more time with me. She got super upset, despite the fact that this trip is going to be difficult for me no matter what due to our complicated past. Am I the jerk for prioritizing my partner?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you already set a boundary and she is trying to stomp on it. I wouldn’t even call you a jerk if you skipped the trip.” unjessicabiel_evable
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I feel like this is an unpopular opinion but if your mother told you about this a while ago and you didn’t want to go you really should’ve given her a definite no rather than saying maybe.
You’ve only been going out with your partner for 6 months and your mother has raised you your whole life, I feel like you could’ve just asked your partner to do any big celebrations before or after you got back rather than crushing your mother’s spirit.
I feel like she is just trying her best to spend some time with you before you move on with your life and move in with your partner.” Heyo_ppl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Going through a divorce is not equal to needing love and care every hour.
Just because she’s going through a divorce shouldn’t make you feel entitled to accepting her trip when you never confirmed you would be coming.” User
Another User Comments:
“I don’t really see why you (or any of the posters) think your mother is out of line.
I don’t think she’s crossing a boundary. It’s more like you never gave her a firm answer in the first place. Say yes, say no, say ‘that won’t work for me but this will.’ If you didn’t really want to go, then you should have said, ‘I appreciate the offer, but I don’t think that’s feasible this year.’
I hear you that you have a complicated relationship with her, but I really think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill here:
Your mother is being more than accommodating. She invited your partner to come along!
I never understood why (grown-up) people felt it important to celebrate their birthday on the exact date (or at all, but that’s beside the point).
Why can’t the two (or three) of you celebrate it in Hawaii? You all can have parties with your friends and their family before and/or after the trip.
Between the two of you, it’s your mother that’s being the reasonable one here.” SamSpayedPI
1. AITJ For Deleting My Aunt's Post?
“My mom’s side of the family fell out with us a long time ago over religion and almost 20 years later my aunt wants to reconnect.
They are Southern Baptist (for those not in the US – a Protestant sect of Christianity). My grandmother on my dad’s side is an immigrant who is Russian Orthodox (also Christian – very similar to Catholic but with an Eastern European flavor and following a different calendar so things like Christmas and Easter have slightly different dates).
My Baba (grandmother on dad’s side) lived with us during childhood and took us to her church. My mom converted, partially to win favor with Baba. Her parents strongly disapproved of the conversion. My mom passed away when I was 9, and after the funeral, my grandparents on my mom’s side sat me and my siblings down and told us that our mom was in the underworld now and it was our dad’s fault for causing her to stray from her faith.
They said that we needed to pray with them and ask God for forgiveness or the same thing would happen to us. It was a very traumatizing experience on top of an already obviously traumatizing experience. My sister in particular was extremely distraught and she went and told our dad, who got very upset and accused our grandparents of psychological abuse and yelled at them that they needed to leave.
A huge argument ensued and that whole side of the family never spoke to us again.
However, very recently my aunt on that side of the family reconnected with my sister and apologized to her for not being there for us. My sister was receptive and encouraged me to forgive her so I added her on social media.
I barely ever use social media and have it mostly for family, but my aunt accepted my request and then proceeded to write a very long and very emotional message on my public wall explaining her actions saying she was ‘brainwashed’ by her parents but that I was also ‘brainwashed’ by my dad who ‘constantly vilified’ them and essentially begging me to forgive her and hear her out.
‘I have so much more to explain to you if you would only give me the chance.’ It was honestly a lot.
I wanted to respond to her but I needed to process it because it was so dramatic and I didn’t appreciate her saying that about my dad.
Most of all I was uncomfortable that the message was public even though I’m not that active on social media and I don’t think too many people are looking at my wall. But my dad and his side of our family might, you never know, and it embarrassed me to have something so sensitive up there as a public message so I deleted it and planned to message her privately the following day when I got my thoughts together because she dumped a lot on me.
She saw that I had deleted it and sent my sister an angry message saying that I was a jerk. A private message by the way so apparently she does know how to do that. She also unfriended me. Now I kind of don’t want to respond to her at all.
This is a 60-something-year-old woman and I think the response was super immature. So I’ve changed my mind about reaching out to her now.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, first off. I think if deleting it, why not go right away to message her and explain?
I think she was obviously correct in being upset, however, not to the extent she took it. Religion is so hard on relationships now that I think more of us get it now than ever before. The family that supports you, helped raise you, and continued to be there is the one I would focus my efforts on.
Should she come around, she’ll join his family and cross that line so you’ll feel that she is trying, that happens — I highly suggest swallowing whatever resentment you may have and listening to her at that time if it did come to that.
Good luck!” CategoryFearless684
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. She put you on the spot with that nonsense on your wall. If she wanted to mend a family rift, this was not the way to do it. It puts way too much pressure on you and is the equivalent of putting your business on the street.
It’s not a bad idea to change your profile settings to private. Even beyond that, you can disallow posting on your wall without your approval of the post. My own family got so goofy after the 2016 political cycle that I had to do this.” Professional_Ad9013
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This show of public ‘repentance’ on her part was not for you. She should have just messaged you privately. In fact, almost anyone would have done so. It’s common sense, even on social media. And to attack your dad too was a very selfish way to ask forgiveness.
So yeah she doesn’t actually want a genuine reconciliation she wants a public feel-good story for herself where she’s not responsible for any of the harm done.” GyroThrowAway
