People Want Us To Be Open-Minded In Hearing Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
21. AITJ For Not Wanting To Share A Room With My Cousin?
“I’m working from home now and up until last year, I had a roommate that I had known from college for years.
She moved out in the spring and I can now afford my apartment by myself so I turned the other bedroom into an office space. My cousin decided he wanted to leave his house and my family thought it would be ok for him to live with me and help me out financially.
This was decided before anyone talked to me.
When they brought it up, I said no. I always work and like having a dedicated room for my office. My family started on how it’s so expensive and even gas is crazy here. What if I had somebody to split the costs with me?
The kicker comes in and they wanted me to rent my room for $500-$700 a month when my former roommate was paying almost $1000 more than that. I laughed. I know it was rude but that’s not worth my peace to have someone I barely know at my place and a studio apartment here is almost roughly $2000 a month now.
Everyone including my mom tried to convince me to do it because they were worried about me living by myself. I said no again and I’ve been blocked and blacklisted from most of my family with even my mom saying I was acting entitled and my aunt and cousin were going to help me out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is not their place to decide who lives with you and who doesn’t. They aren’t paying your rent or giving you funds for your expenses. If they want him to live with someone, he can live with them. If they want him to have a place to stay, they can rent him his own place and everyone can kick in for him to live in his own apartment.
No one can tell you that you have to share your living space with another person once you move out of your parents’ home. Tell them to pitch in for him to have his own place and continue to contribute to him monthly and leave you out of it.” KittKatt7179
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It sounds like your family wanted to find a way to get your cousin cheap housing AND save face.
They thought they could steamroll you and force you to pretend that you needed a man to be safe in your apartment.
The cousin is embarrassed because his mom REALLY wants him out of her house and wanted to make him your problem. When you said no, the facade came crashing down. This is so trashy on so many levels.” veni_vidi_dixi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you said you want to have your own space.
They tried to frame it as them doing you a favor, but this favor involved your cousin paying far less than the market rate. So, in the end, they wanted you to give him charity and when you decline they blacklist you. Apparently not being a doormat is called ‘entitled’ now.
Good for you for standing your ground.” Iamhuntingwerewolves
20. AITJ For Ruining Dinner By Responding To My Sister-In-Law's Insensitive Comment?
“Me (f31) and my SIL ‘Valerie’ (husband’s brother’s wife) never had a close relationship for some reason. But we are on okay terms most of the time. That is until she started making comments about my physical health. she always points out how thin and small my figure is (I’ve always been like this).
especially my flat chest or non-existent butt. In comparison, she is blessed in those areas. she cares so much about her appearance and most of her time and money is spent on that. Anyways I try to always take it easy and not get offended since she’s just making ‘observations’.
I finally got pregnant after 3 years of trying. The whole family was thrilled but unfortunately, I had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago which was unexpected and quite devastating. My MIL invited me for dinner last night as a way to cheer me up. Valerie and BIL were there too.
We were talking during dinner and Valerie brought up my miscarriage. She flat out said that the miscarriage happened because of my body and ‘my small and limited potential it has to be able to carry a baby’. I’m not gonna lie, this shook me hard.
My husband looked at me hoping I’d let it go but I looked at Valerie from head to toe then pointed at her chest and said: ‘Oh I see that’s where all your brains and class melted to.’ She was stunned eyes wide open.
BIL got involved saying this was not cool but I argued that she made a jab at my body and basically blamed it for the miscarriage. We all started arguing but my husband sat there quietly watching. I got up, gathered my stuff, and told him I wanted to go home.
He was quiet the whole ride home but scolded me hours later saying what I said was totally mean and out of line and his SIL was just making ‘an observation’. He told me to call her up and apologize for what I said since she and his brother are upset but I declined.
I think maybe I shouldn’t have said this and ruined the dinner that was set up for me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your SIL made horrid comments toward you and she’s the one who really owes you an apology. It’s not the first time she’s made nasty comments about your body and it really just shows how insecure she is.
Your husband and your BIL are also in the wrong. I also find it quite alarming that your husband is okay with you being mistreated by his family. Your husband’s behavior is a huge red flag and I would even go as far as to reassess your marriage.
If your husband can’t support/stand up for you now, how on earth are you supposed to raise a child together.” Beigetile6565
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, a miscarriage isn’t anyone’s fault & they happen for a number of medical reasons; for her to say you caused your miscarriage is callous & a jerk move.
I’ve known extremely thin & medically frail people who have carried to term & I’ve known healthy people who have miscarried. What she said is unforgivable in my eyes; I’m presuming she’s the type of person who blames the victim for what she said. People need to mind their tongues & truly think about how the words that come out of their mouths can cut deeper than any blade could.
Shame on her & I’m so sorry for your loss; no one deserves to miscarry & no one deserves to be shamed for it! I hope you have the emotional support you need to get you through this tough time.” Few-Entrepreneur383
Another User Comments:
“I’m so sorry for your loss.
Miscarriage and infertility are heartbreaking.
SIL used your personal tragedy as an excuse to take another jab at your body. She should not EVER comment on your figure in the first place, but this time her comment was a nuclear attack. Your loss is not a topic for dinner conversation, your slim figure is not causing your infertility, her medical knowledge is zero, and her sympathy is zero.
Your husband and in-laws are either cowardly or clueless for giving SIL an audience while she ignorantly and cruelly pontificates on subjects that are none of her business.
SIL’s snide little remarks should have been shut down long ago. What is wrong with your husband?
I wonder how he would react if a male relative was always making comments about your figure? Would he then recognize the inappropriateness? His SIL escalated her cruelty to include the loss of your pregnancy, and he still just SAT THERE? And blamed YOU for rocking the boat?
I’m angry on your behalf. Clearly NTJ. Your husband abandoned you while you were in pain. You need marriage counseling.” justmeat23
And shame on OP's husband for not having her back, taking SIL's side, and enabling SIL's "It's just an observation" BS. It's not an observation, it's straight up bullying.
19. AITJ For Not Kicking Someone Out Of An Art Group?
“I’m (f28) a nurse, at the beginning of this year I started this art program for the medical staff at the hospital I work. It’s all very casual but so many of us are overworked and don’t have time to relax.
I’ve always loved art and I bring in my own supplies to share and encourage people to bring whatever they have. We draw, paint, sketch, and also talk about our lives, and what’s bothering us, and sharing our experiences. This happens once a week mostly, sometimes there are gaps depending on everyone’s schedules.
Everyone is welcome but it’s mostly younger people that come, and I’d say around 80% are female.
A couple of months ago a surgeon, ‘Jack’ (mid-30s I’m guessing) started attending. He keeps to himself mostly and sketches, but occasionally talks about dealing with the passing of his SO and juggling his duties at work.
My experience with him has been kind and respectful.
There’s a nursing assistant, ‘Taylor’ (f27) who’s part of the group. A few days ago she came up to me when I was getting off work, saying that she needs to talk about the art program.
Taylor said that she and some of the other girls are feeling a bit uncomfortable having Jack there. I asked her if he said or did something to them. She said not really, but since he’s older he shouldn’t really be there and they can’t relate to him.
I replied that this is for everyone and unless there are actual issues, I’m not kicking anyone out, especially people trying to process grief. Taylor then said that he actually was really rude to one of the others when she asked him for his number or something.
I heard enough, I told Taylor that I won’t be telling Jack to leave and if she has such strong feelings about this, she herself is free to leave. She got pretty mad at me and said I’m a hypocrite, and not providing a safe space anymore.
I’m open to everyone’s thoughts and could use some unbiased opinions, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So ‘one of the others’ felt safe enough around Jack to ask him for his number and it wasn’t until he turned her down that suddenly he was ruining their safe space.
Sounds like Taylor wants him to be punished for declining a date… textbook harassment.
Alternatively, she was blowing that out of proportion because she didn’t know how to explain why she (and some of the other women) felt uncomfortable with him there. Because if he didn’t say anything wrong, and he didn’t do anything wrong, and they just feel like they ‘can’t relate to him,’ which screams being uncomfortable to be around someone who is a potential romantic partner.
In other words, she wants him kicked out because he’s an attractive man… again, textbook harassment.
NTJ. If Taylor does show up again, you might want to consider pressing her on who asked for his number so you can get another perspective on his so-called ‘rude’ response.
I have a sneaking suspicion that hearing the story will only further solidify your decision.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… what irony. If they bring it up again I would tell them that they’re the ones not making it a safe space anymore. One of the younger staff asked Jack for his number, in an activity and space where he is sharing the grief of losing his SO, he said no and now they’re upset.
Of course, he may have been rude or brash, but it was not the time or place to hit on someone.
And now cuz they’re upset they are turning around and accusing Jack of making them uncomfortable. That’s rich. As a woman and a lawyer, I would love something like this to play out.
Good on you. You asked the right questions and gave the correct response. Unfortunately with the world, there’s always some crap when you try and do something nice. Also, document all the conversations if possible. I know you’re doing this as your own initiative but it’s still under the hospital program and you don’t want Jen, her friends, or any of this causing any type of backlash on you or your program.” RLuna911
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You handled it perfectly. You asked her to articulate what exactly he did, and it was pretty clear he hadn’t done anything. If he HAD been harassing anyone you should absolutely kick him from the group, and even if there were just allegations that you never experienced you should investigate.
But saying ‘He’s older and they can’t relate to him’ is a horrible, bigoted reason. And it’s even worse if they are retaliating because he rejected one of their advances.
As long as you stay open-minded for legitimate complaints, you are completely in the right here.” Welpe
The class is supposed to be a safe space, and Taylor and her friends are ruining it because they can't handle rejection and can't handle being around the person that rejected one of them.
Someone needs to tell them to grow TF up.
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go Back To My Sister's House?
“I (24F) sometimes watch my nieces (6F, 2F) because my sister (28F) has to work. I love my nieces so I don’t mind watching them even if I have to do it for days in a row. My sister recently started working the night shift so I started staying over whenever I could.
This wasn’t a problem until recently when my sister’s SO (27M) called me outside after everyone else fell asleep when we were watching a movie. He’s unemployed but does small jobs every now and again but he’s unreliable and smokes so that’s why I watch my nieces.
When we were outside he confessed that he was attracted to me and said I was more his type than my sister. I asked him why he was telling me this and he said he just wanted to get it off his chest but what was I to do with this information?
I stopped him in his tracks when he started telling me he had a dream of us sleeping together and went back inside. I didn’t tell my sister about it but the whole time I was there with him I felt uncomfortable. When I got home I told my mom what happened and that I wouldn’t be watching my nieces again but she said all men are like that and I shouldn’t stop watching them.
I really love my nieces but I can’t do it and I know my sister will be mad because I haven’t told her why but does that make me the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
A. your mom telling you to******* up and go watch your nieces is unacceptable.
She is condoning the guy’s actions and is pushing you into an uncomfortable and possibly dangerous situation. A man thinking it is ok to blurt out their feelings and then when you reject starts explaining in detail his fantasies will just escalate and can try to force himself on you.
B. No most men are not like that.
C. Don’t go back. Tell your sister why you don’t want to go back. She deserves to know that her low-life partner who seems to not contribute anything to the household would like to contribute his only useful attribute (if we can call it that) to any female and not just her.” UnwantedAdvice1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but sister’s partner is.
Do not go back to that house when you will be alone with your sister’s partner.
Your mother is WRONG! All men are not like that and she is likely just trying to keep you watching the kids.
Tell your sister you are not comfortable being at the house when guy is there and she is not. Therefore, you will no longer be watching her kids. If she asks why tell her the truth. She will likely not believe you and he will make up some nonsense story about how you came on to him but still tell the truth.
It is her decision then what to do.” Ducky818
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom is wrong because not all men are like your sister’s partner. You could keep watching the girls if your sister brings the kids to your place, but you’d have to tell her why you don’t want to go to her place.
Whether you watch the girls or not, you’re going to have to have a discussion with your sister. She might not believe you and that could cause drama between the two of you. If she does believe you, it will cause some drama between her and her partner.
Do what is right for you, and good luck.” Sea-Confection-2627
17. AITJ For Commenting On My Sister-In-Law And Her Partner's Financial Situation?
“My husband (H40) and I have been trying to get pregnant ever since we got married. We had no luck for 3 years of trying to conceive so we went to a doctor and found out that one of his has a problem.
(Allow me to not go into detail). Because of this we tried IVF but were unsuccessful after 3 tries. We finally got pregnant last year but I miscarried. So, we made the hard decision of giving up and accepting that we aren’t meant to become parents.
Last week during my birthday party which we invited some friends and family members, my MIL asked how’s the IVF going and I told her that H and I are no longer trying. Given everything that we’ve been through MIL said that she understands and assured us that she supports our decision.
FIL also said some words of encouragement. I was relieved that everyone seems to be supportive when my SIL said something along the lines of ‘I’m glad you guys finally made that decision. God chooses only those who are up to the challenge to become parents you know.’ There was an awkward silence then she continued ‘you should not adopt either’.
I should mention that SIL and her partner have 3 children and she is currently pregnant with baby number 4. Her partner works part-time at a local supermarket while SIL stays home with the kids. So yes, they’re not in a good financial situation and have to rely on benefits to get by.
I answered SIL with ‘yeah, I’m sure God chooses only the right people to become parents. I wonder what the qualifications are though because clearly, financial stability isn’t one of them.’ Another awkward silence before FIL changed the topic.
Later that night I got a message from SIL calling me a jerk for looking down on them because they are ‘poor’.
I did not reply but I feel like a jerk because of what I said.
Edit: My husband wasn’t there during the exchange as he was talking to some friends. I just relayed to him the conversation at night before going to bed. Yes, we have helped SIL financially multiple times before.
They don’t have health insurance so whenever they have a medical emergency, H and I always lend a hand, especially for our nieces and nephew. And to those asking my age, I am 36 years old.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m disabled and thus mainly reliant on social security.
My disability means I can’t safely have kids and financially I can’t afford them. I’m usually not a big fan of generalized statements about the deserving and undeserving parent or poor because it reduces complex emotional subjects to black and white.
But absolutely NTJ.
Your SIL was a guest in your home, presumably enjoying the financial and familial hospitality of your birthday party and instead of taking another cupcake, she decided to make to go for your throat unprompted.
She told you that you were lesser in the eyes of God, wider society, and the family hierarchy for being infertile.
By doing it on your birthday she also got a dig in about older women and some ageist stuff about older fathers. Then she insulted children who in the adoption system as lesser, told you that you still aren’t worth ‘lesser’ children, and absolutely made everyone in the room utterly mortified to be caught up in her opinion bombing.
In light of that and the fact, she doesn’t have the Christian compassion to realize many kids in the system are there because of poverty to add her pious sanctimony then yeah, something needed said that was shorter, snappier, and more emphatic than my breakdown ‘over explaining’ it.
You don’t wrestle with a pig. You get dirty and the pig likes it. You put it back in the sty if it starts biting and that’s what you did. Any justification would just have taught her she was entitled to debate your life and the values of human life.
A verbal smack instead of letting her play God seems entirely appropriate.
You didn’t insult her kids or their right to exist or her bodily autonomy. Being ‘poor’ isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card for being a jerk like she was. If you were saying she isn’t allowed to have kids because she’s poor or poor people are intrinsically inferior parents or lesser citizens or had said it unprompted that would be different.
I’m going to assume SIL came empty-handed to the birthday party and is not averse to anyone in the family helping out financially. I just get that vibe and suspect she also has such opinions about you having kids because she feels it would rival resources in the family for her four.
She is like an onion. Layer upon layer that would make your eyes water.” IFeelMoiGerbil
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, her comment was cruel and unnecessary. It’s very sad that she said something so extremely awful and has the audacity to make it seem like God has anything to do with it.
She has no room to talk about anything considering her financial situation having a fourth baby! Especially when their situation is based on their own choices! Seems like your SIL needs to realize that you don’t judge people on things they cannot control and get her head out of her butt.
You should do whatever makes you happy! Whether that is taking a break, trying IVF again, getting a surrogate/donor, or adopting. I feel very bad for her children, at the end of the day usually the parents that want to have a baby and try extremely hard in order to have one tend to be better parents, in my opinion, than the ones who keep having babies out of an oops.
I’m very sorry about your fertility struggles and you are not alone in that… so many couples go through that, at the end of the day anything and everything that you do is up to you and your husband.” beechesbecrazyy
Another User Comments:
“No, you’re NTJ.
What she said was incredibly spiteful, hateful, and ignorant. She didn’t seem to have any problem ‘looking down on’ you because you and your husband are not able to become pregnant. That is a very painful thing for a lot of women/couples, and for her to act like it was a punishment from God is horrible.
Then she made it worse by saying that you shouldn’t even adopt, meaning that she’s saying that God has decided you aren’t fit to be parents in any way at all. At best, she was being thoughtless and ignorant; at worst, she was being mean and spiteful.
Either way, she’s the jerk, in my opinion.” User
16. AITJ For Moving Out After An Argument?
“My housemate (Jon, 22/m) and I (24/f) met online last year when we were both looking for an apartment.
At first, things were great, our lifestyles are compatible and we became friends, but then Jon became very controlling, for example, he got annoyed with the phone case I use because it wasn’t ‘good enough’. He bothered me to change it for months until I gave in because he bought me a new one that he liked more.
He also would be annoyed if I didn’t follow his advice, even if I hadn’t asked for it in the first place.
This behavior worsened until a pattern emerged. Jon would lose his temper over something minor and yell at me, then he would cry and apologize, then months would go by and it would repeat.
I’m so anxious because I’m always walking on eggshells around him. The smallest things make him upset (like opening my bedroom window while he cooked something in the kitchen – Jon took this as an insult to his cooking somehow?)
This all became too much for me and I told Jon that I’m moving out.
My name isn’t on the lease, only Jon’s, so I can leave without consequence. He begged me to reconsider and said that he cannot pay rent on his own. He cried and said that he felt like I didn’t value our friendship and that was why he was so unstable recently.
Reluctantly I agreed to stay for a few more months, but nothing changed.
Last week I approached Jon again and explained that I am so uncomfortable living here that it is affecting my mental health and making me depressed. I am anxious always now. Jon got very upset and accused me of ruining things by ‘being depressed’ and called me stupid for not seeking help for some personal problems I confided in him about a long time ago.
I finally had enough and told him that I am moving out and I no longer care about his ability to pay the rent on his own, and I also no longer want his friendship. I left the house to calm down and when I came back Jon was gone.
He had left the door unlocked, so I locked it and went to sleep. Well, I woke up later that night to Jon loudly pounding on the sliding glass patio door next to my bedroom and shouting about me locking him out on purpose. He had climbed the patio (about 20 feet off the ground) in a rage.
Apparently, he hadn’t taken his house key when he left earlier and he was convinced that I locked him out on purpose to mess with him. Instead of calling my phone or ringing our loud doorbell, he decided to climb the patio and hit on the glass door to wake me up!
That incident upset me and I moved out the next morning. Now Jon is texting me a lot to move back in for one more month while he finds another housemate. I feel bad for him that he cannot pay the rent on his own and will likely be in trouble with the landlord as a result, but I never want to speak to him again, never mind living with him.
AITJ for moving out and leaving an ex-friend in a bad financial situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, none of this behavior was normal or acceptable for a roommate situation. Do you have a therapist? If you have the means, talking to one now to work through the fear and stress of the past year or however long you lived with him will serve you well long term.
He clearly got you questioning yourself to the point where you genuinely blame yourself for feeling unsafe in your living arrangement and like you somehow did something wrong by removing yourself from the situation. You don’t want to carry that with you moving forward, it could leave the door open for similar situations throughout your life.
(Have been working on undoing this generational trauma myself for years.) Proud of you for moving out, OP. Stay safe, trust yourself.” cantaloupecanelope
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are so many red flags here I don’t know where to begin. He is controlling. When he gets mad at you, he apologizes and promises it will not happen again.
But it does. When he climbed 20 feet up the house to beat on your glass door, he was in a rage. I’m sure there are others. Physical mistreatment would likely have followed soon.
Moving out immediately was the smart move, and may have saved your life.
Also, get rid of the phone he gave you. I’ll bet he has monitoring software installed on it. You will have to watch for him stalking you. if he does, immediately report it to the police and consider a no-contact order.
I hope you remain safe.” Professional_Bread66
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Awful people don’t just take the form of romantic partners or parents or inlaws, he was in a position of trust and he chose to be terrible to.
His mistreatment was terrible and you stayed way too long. Don’t give him another second in your head, except maybe to document all this while it’s fresh in your brain and while you remember how horrible he was so that you have records of what went on should you (hopefully) never ever need them.” Professional_Ruin953
15. AITJ For Judging My Partner For What He Said While He's Wasted?
“My partner and I went out for drinks on Sat and it’s been months since we drank so he got pretty wasted. I was tipsy but still ok and then we were walking in the mall and he saw a lady breastfeeding. She was covering herself and the baby with a blanket but it was pretty obvious what she was doing.
He said (paraphrased) ‘Ew she’s not hot enough to be showing herself off like that’. I shoved his arm because that was insanely rude and he said it loud enough for her to hear and she did look up from what she was doing. He got annoyed and said, ‘it’s true no one wants to see a saggy fat woman’s t**s out.’
I was pretty shocked and walked away as fast as possible since some people were starting to record him because I didn’t want to be seen with him or deal with him any longer. I decided to walk home and texted my partner’s friend to pick him up since he lived farther away.
The friend picked him up and I got home and went to sleep. He called me the next day angry that I had left him behind and I told him what he said and he claims he doesn’t remember any of it and is mad at me for not helping him home.
I’m still pretty annoyed at what he said and I don’t know if it’s just him being wasted or it’s what he actually thinks and just hasn’t said out loud before.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is still responsible for his actions when he is wasted. Just because he doesn’t remember it doesn’t take back that he possibly ruined that poor woman’s day.
Imagine being a new mom: struggling to get a good night’s rest, having no time to yourself, and your body undergoing insane changes to support a tiny human. Finally, you try to go out and enjoy what little free time you can steal for yourself- you have to bring the baby with you, though- and now some wasted guy stumbles past you and calls you a ‘saggy fat woman’ and ‘not hot enough’ to feed your own child in public- even though you were concealing the feeding under a blanket!
And it doesn’t sound like anyone even told her ‘sorry’.” Margerita94
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He sounds like a loser. I’m not one to judge being inebriated at any time of day, however, being wasted doesn’t excuse what he said. He is 100% responsible for what comes out of his mouth regardless of his level of intoxication.
Drinking is not an excuse for the carelessly hateful way he spoke about that woman or for the embarrassment of being seen with someone who would speak that way.
No one who actually views women as people would talk like that about them like that – wasted, high, or anywhere in between.
This behavior was worth at least three red flags. Please reconsider trusting this guy.” vivid_prophecy
Another User Comments:
“I have two important things to say, first NTJ:
You were intoxicated too and your decision process was affected by that. At that time his comments were making you feel ashamed and embarrassed. So wasted you did what made them more comfortable.
I disagree with the entire ‘show the true colors when wasted’ narrative.
We all have thoughts and we should not be judged on our thoughts. I’ll explain myself better, many people have intrusive thoughts, you walk by a bridge, or you use a power tool and you intrusively think of harming yourself.
Or you see a kitten and you want to smush it while hugging it. Do you do it? No, are you a bad person for thinking about it? No.
Sometimes we have thoughts that we consciously suppress because we realize they are unfair, for example disliking someone.
After all, they dressed a certain way before even talking to them. But we stop and rationally think that it’s not right to act upon those thoughts.
Being wasted affects THIS PRECISE mechanism, a wasted person will not have a rational filter upon whatever their brain suggests to them.
Did your partner say something embarrassing? YES, Were you right to leave as you felt ashamed? YES Did what he say mean that he is necessarily a bad person? NO Does being wasted excuse him from doing something wrong? NO (it was rather rude and offensive).” cuddpudd
14. AITJ For Not Hosting A Friend?
“A friend of mine (non-particularly close), is going to attend my same university starting soon, and I found out that in one week he was going to come here, without having looked nor found a place to stay, expecting me to host him for an unspecified amount of time.
Now, I am fairly sure that he’s not in a time or financial issue, just he didn’t bother finding a place to stay. He wrote to me some time ago (2 months), saying that he couldn’t find anything and that he would have stayed at my house.
I thought it was a joke but anyway I already told him no, that I found a place for myself alone for a reason. I also tried helping him to find places to stay, which he all looked at, but then didn’t decide anything, so they were rented by others.
But even now, if you look up, there are plenty of rooms in a shared apartment, maybe not an entire apartment like mine, so I think I didn’t find what he likes, but I told him ages ago that he should have looked for an accommodation quickly to find something cheap and good (I did).
There was also another apartment like mine free, I sent him the link, but then he never wrote to the landlord and when he did, then everything was rented out.
The issue is that I both cannot nor, to be honest, want to host him.
To start from the not want, I purposely found a house like this to be alone. I think of my house like a moment I can be or do whatever I am/want to do. I activated myself to look for housing, and the second I knew I was admitted to my uni.
I found this, traveled (it’s far from where I live), looked at the house, liked it, and confirmed. Was I lucky? Maybe, but also proactive.
What it looks like to me is that he didn’t bother looking for anything and purposely didn’t care cause he expected me to host him ‘just in case’.
I wrote him yesterday randomly (didn’t hear from him in the meanwhile) asking if he found a place. He said no, that he’s coming in one week and hopes to find, and that otherwise, he’ll stay at mine. Not even ‘can I?’ No, ‘I’m staying’.
Also, I have a whole private life I am NOT comfortable sharing with him (again, I know him, but not that close).
About why I cannot, I have some medical and non-medical issues, that I wouldn’t like any of my friends to know about (don’t worry, nothing contagious).
I have a big bunch of my private life I keep private, I don’t talk about it nor do I wish to share.
So I probably will tell him no. He was planning to do 1 week at mine, and 1 week at another friend’s (not in common), alternating like that for an undefined amount of time.
I think he spoke with the other friend cause he was physically with him. Plus, if I didn’t ask how it was going, he would have shown up in 1 week expecting me to host him, not even considering that I might have issues.
I literally don’t have much information about his side cause he never wrote me, if not to say he’s staying at mine and he won’t respond to my message asking for explanations.
UPDATE: I told him he cannot stay at my house. I was afraid to be a jerk telling so, but it had to be done.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You said y’all aren’t close, the entitlement he’s showing would make me (if I were you) cut him off as a friend altogether.
He never planned on living anywhere else, he actively wasted time so you’d have to cave and let him stay out of guilt.
OP, you need to stand your ground as this seems to be a very serious boundary you have, and if he can’t respect your ‘no’ then it’s obvious how much he values your friendship.” Mewples
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
His behavior would be awful & entitled if he was a good friend/family – both him assuming he could stay without actually asking and also not having an end date in mind.
It’s ridiculously awful given you’re not close friends.
Just tell him no & stop trying to help him with advice about rentals. He’s a leech & will clearly take whatever you offer & give nothing in return. You don’t need someone like that in your life.” amberallday
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
With this many problems already you’ll end up with him on your couch for the next year without getting a penny of rent or any hope of ever getting him out. Make it VERY clear to him that he can not stay and then stay firm even if he shows up at your doorstep.
This person is not your friend and he’s trying to use you. Don’t let him.” WardenRae
13. AITJ For Siding With My Family Against My Cousin?
“My (22F) grandfather is badly sick. He has had multiple organ failures and has dementia as he is going to end of life. The doctors have told us that he has maybe a week or so left.
My cousin H (19M) is gay. He wasn’t particularly close to grandad despite living in the same house – their relationship was mostly him asking grandad for money or to drive him places. Grandad often expressed how he wished they were closer but H didn’t really care.
H has now come to realize that there won’t be a chance to build a relationship with grandad in the future. So he wants to ‘come out’ to grandad. The reality is, despite coming from a ‘traditional Asian’ background, it was always clear to everyone that H was queer.
It was never something he had to come out about.
Grandad is delirious, confused, and having hallucinations during his few wake periods. He doesn’t recognize most of the family and even then only for a handful of minutes. H’s parents, my parents, and my other uncle all told him that this is not the time to stress grandad out by forcing a confrontation when he doesn’t even know H anymore.
H is furious and asked me to intervene. I refused because I do agree. Grandad didn’t even know the language H wants to use when he was well, but now he doesn’t even know H. All a confrontation would do is be stressful and painful for both of them.
H has accused me, and the elders, of being homophobic and said we are robbing him of precious moments.
I don’t think this is a matter of identity because honestly I’m bi and when I told H he said it doesn’t count because I’m with a man (my now husband).
I think he wants to make grandad’s end of life about himself. It’s not the first time he’s done stuff like this.
In my opinion, he’s had 2 decades to make precious memories and he didn’t care to. Now he wants to be a huge part of the whole family’s memory of grandad’s passing.
He feels we are homophobic pieces of work. Honestly, it’s such a painful time I don’t know who is in the right, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. He clearly just wants the attention, and it has nothing to do with anyone or anything outside of what seems to be a nearly sociopathic need to be the most important person in the situation from H.
He clearly doesn’t respect your gender, and definitely seems to be trying to leverage his own identity for attention in this time of grief and strife. You and your family are in the right, and his screaming ‘Homophobia’, because he isn’t getting his way, is just juvenile.
My wife is also bi, and I’ve met several of her exes, yet not a single one tried to tell her she was straight now since she married a man.” HollandTHG
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If grandfather gets physically agitated and hostile at seeing anyone he doesn’t recognize anymore and your cousin is one of those people he doesn’t recognize anymore, then the issue isn’t even about what he wants to say, but about his very presence causing him distress.
I lost my grandma to dementia and poor medical treatment at the elderly home she was in. I know how hard it can be to see them lose the memory of who you are and to see them freak out. And how they become less like themselves.
I’m really sorry for your impending loss.
As for the cousin, if the grandfather is awake, his presence will cause him unnecessary stress. So if it’s really about getting it off his chest, what your cousin can do is wait for a moment that grandfather is asleep and whisper it while standing in front of him without waking him up.
It’s the closest to a compromise he can get.
If your cousin doesn’t like that idea, then given his past behavior, I can’t help but question his motives. It’s not kindness to bring physical distress to a dying and confused person. Seeing your grandfather tell you to get out because he doesn’t even recognize you would be a greater regret if he tries to come out to his grandfather while he is awake.
So what is there to gain by saying it while he’s conscious?
Alternatively, he can take his time to do it at his grandfather’s last resting place after he passes away. To have closure even after it feels a little too late is part of the function of cemeteries.
There he’ll have the solace and quiet to reflect and come at peace with how some things were left unsaid. He can express his admission there as part of the grieving process.
And again, you have my condolences.” foodieboricua
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘and said we are robbing him of precious moments.’
Time and illness did that. It sounds like H doesn’t really understand the mental state your grandfather is in – that H will not be seen as a family but as a stranger. It doesn’t matter what the conversation is – this will frighten and stress him out.
He will not understand what H is saying.
Someone else’s deathbed, especially when they are experiencing dementia, confusion, and hallucinations is not the place for ANY confession, real or perceived. It is not the time to recount your own regrets to the person who is dying.
You aren’t being homophobic, but I doubt there is anything you can do or say that will change H’s mind on the matter. But frankly, I wouldn’t be concerned about his feelings after his anti-bi nonsense.” Kettlewise
12. AITJ For Embarrassing A Guy By Talking To Him In Japanese?
“I (22M) lived in Tokyo (Akasaka if we want to be exact) for the first 10 years of my life. My parents aren’t from there, my dad is American and my mom is Irish but I was born there, I didn’t go to an international school, and I speak Japanese along with English.
When I was 10 we moved to the US, I liked it, then when I was 16 we moved to Ireland and we’ve been here ever since.
Now that the backstory is out of the way I’ll be quick. Recently I started seeing this girl (22F).
We’ve made it all official she’s met my family I’ve met her family.
Except for 1 person, her brother (19M) until 3 days ago. I was at her place and her brother comes over to drop something off for their parents and I meet him.
Instantly he says ‘I heard you lived in Japan for a while. That’s so cool, I’ve wanted to live there since forever, I actually speak Japanese’. I instantly got really excited. I mean the only other people I’ve known outside of Japan that can speak the language are my parents and one guy in the US.
So I start speaking to him in it just asking him what interests him about the country and he kind of gets awkward and then leaves.
He says I embarrassed him and that he won’t speak to me unless I apologize to him.
My partner and her parents don’t think I did anything wrong, but I don’t know I feel really bad about it.
Maybe I should have actually made sure he spoke the language, but I was just so excited.
But that’s why I’m here, I want an outside person’s view, I’ve felt bad for 3 days so I want to ask;
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, my friend! You did, like your partner and her parents pointed out, nothing wrong. He literally said, ‘I speak Japanese’. So you got excited and tried to converse with him in Japanese. It’s weird that he got upset in response. Did he offer any explanation as to why he was upset and why he thinks you owe him an apology?
(I think owing him an apology is absurd and unnecessary, by the way). Maybe he misunderstood what you said in Japanese and thought you said something offensive? Or maybe he wasn’t as good at Japanese as he made it sound and he ended up feeling insecure and foolish.
Or maybe it’s something else. Regardless, you had just thought you found someone you had something in common with and you got excited. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your partner and her family are right. Don’t sweat it, my friend.” Light_Seeker90
Another User Comments:
“If I was to be ungenerous, or realistic, I’d say he’s an arrogant person who just wanted to look cool by claiming he spoke Japanese when he didn’t, but that’s a foolish thing to do when you know you’re speaking to someone who literally lived there.
If I was to be very very very generous, I could say that he didn’t mean to imply that he was fluent but just that he had learned a bit, and the two of you meant different things by ‘speak Japanese’.
Either way, it is obvious that when someone tells you they speak a language that you speak, you’re likely to speak a bit with them.
That’s the point, isn’t it?
So of course you did nothing wrong by speaking Japanese to someone who said they spoke it.
If he was doing the second, generous interpretation, he had no need to be embarrassed, he could have simply said ‘Woah, no, sorry don’t actually speak it well’ and had a laugh about it.
If he was the first type, then he should be embarrassed but not because you embarrassed him. Just because he’s acting like an embarrassing weeaboo claiming to speak a language he doesn’t because he thinks it’s cool and apparently thinking you weren’t going to notice.
Either way, his embarrassment is none of your doing.
NTJ” Left-Car6520
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but a couple of points here are 1. Speaking a language is kind of a relative term and 2. The kid is 19 and I’m sure that’s feeding into his embarrassment and reaction.
I’ve been learning Japanese on and off for about 2 years now and it mostly stems from watching anime and picking it up from there, my friends like to say to other people that I speak Japanese and it embarrasses me because I’d freeze up for sure if someone actually started speaking to me in the language.
That being said, if he knows some phrases, words, whatever, in his head I’m sure he thinks he ‘speaks Japanese’ when compared to his peers that don’t know the language at all. At 19 I can’t promise I wouldn’t have gone around saying it to other people in the exact same way.
LOL.
That being said, take a moment to chat with him if you can, and like someone suggested, offer to practice with him. I’m hoping he’s just lashing out because he felt put on the spot by the sudden full-fledged conversation you initiated, and not because he’s a proud guy.
I hope this becomes a bonding experience for you both!” Jazzicots
11. AITJ For Wanting To Remove Our Bank Account Authentication?
“My (34f) spouse (52m) is emotionally/verbally abusive. We have been legally married for 8 years, together longer. I left in April to move in with friends while he and I find a therapist and fix things from a safer distance.
He and I are still ‘together’, but it’s not going well, as the mistreatment continues between periods of love-bombing with sneaky control/manipulation mixed in.
We have been together since I was 21 and he was 38. He is the only income and always has been. We discussed/agreed on this before even going out.
We can easily live off this, and he always told me it was OUR money. (he doesn’t discuss purchases with me anymore. This year he bought a $1000 bike that he rode around the block once)
Last year sometime, he added an authentication thing to our bank account.
He gets a text with the authentication button and has to push it within a certain amount of time since the request.
I have to do etransfers fairly often, plus I just never know how much is in our bank account.
I’ve asked him to resolve this (even before moving out), but he says there’s no solution.
So far, he hasn’t kept me out of it, but he does give me the silent treatment for days at a time, and sometimes I am late with payments. Both of my therapists are patient with this, but it’s embarrassing and reiterates that he controls so much of my life which triggers my PTSD.
I know authenticating is important and can be protective… AITJ for wanting it removed? Am I being hypersensitive to him controlling things in my life?
Edit: Now that I’m out, I am feeling stronger and I am working on independence. All the funds entering our household is legally mine as much as his.
The plan is to get a job and an apartment, but that’s years away
MORE edit: Legally, half of everything is mine. It’s my money in that account as much as it is his. I cannot remove authentication, but that’s not the only option here.
I will be heading to the bank once I am mentally prepared for it.
Overall, I am safe.
MOAR EDIT: I have two amazing therapists and am doing EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy for PTSD. As far as the mistreatment goes, I’m pretty safe from the gaslighting/manipulation now that I understand the drinking wasn’t the cause.
So I’ll be ok. I also have other things going on with it that I don’t want to put on the internet. I very very appreciate everyone who has offered help/advice/support.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and guuuurl, he is definitely doing it to financially control you.
Go to the bank in person, open another account that only you have access to, take out exactly half of what’s in your joint account, and put it in your personal account – it’s the money for BOTH of you, after all, that’s what he said, and he seems to have no trouble spending it without talking to you.” Sunny_Hill_1
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Just for clarity, there is no excuse for his behavior towards you, and in no way does anything said here condone this. He is a jerk for those things, entirely.
However, by your own admission, you’re no longer together for the most part because ‘working things out’ evidently isn’t working.
Unfortunately, that means that the expectations you laid out at the start of the relationship changed as your dynamics have changed.
Ultimately, he has a right to security on his bank account. And it really isn’t for you to decide whether that should be removed. You’re entitled to ask, but equally, he is entitled to protect his assets at a time in which your relationship has insecurity.
Because ultimately, it sounds as if you rely on his income rather than there being joint contributions.
I think, given what you’ve described regarding your relationship it may be time for you to consider what you need to do from a financial security standpoint for yourself because you cannot rely on someone with whom the relationship is strained. It sounds like you’ve relied on his income from day one and as a result, you’ve lost substantial self-control and it is time to reclaim that.
You don’t need him!” Such-Quarter278
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need out of this. I’m going to guess he didn’t want you making your own money and working, because money is just another way to control you. You need to get a job and your own account and take some control of your life here.
You said ‘our bank account’ so it’s not normal to have zero control or access to it.” caryn1477
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Gentle judgment to you for wanting to remove the authentication… bank accounts should have 2FA on them for security. But he does sound like he enjoys using this to control you, so instead, you should be looking to get yourself added as an authenticator or get your own bank account that he pays money into.
But you REALLY need your own independent source of income as soon as possible. He has no reason to ever change if he knows you’ll never be able to leave him due to financial dependence. You need leaving the relationship to be a real option.” blairbending
10. AITJ For Not Asking My Dad And Stepmom To Come With Me To England?
“I (23f) am traveling with my partner (25m) to England this Christmas to meet his family in person. My partner and I have been together for almost 3 years now and have been talking about taking our relationship to the next level, engagement.
I’ve really been wanting to meet his family in person for a while now but couldn’t due to travel restrictions.
So we were talking to his parents about this about this over FaceTime, and they agreed and invited me to stay with them, his mother even offered to show me around Somerset, and I accepted because I think this will be a great opportunity to get to know his family better.
Anyways fast-forward a few months and I’m talking with my stepmother about holiday gift shopping, I told her that I wouldn’t be doing much holiday shopping this year because I would be spending Christmas and New Years in England with my partner’s family, and she goes on to invite herself saying that the trip sounds nice and that she’d like to come.
I cut her off and told her that she isn’t invited because this is a trip that had been planned months in advance and it would be rude to bring two other people around when his parents invited me. She keeps pushing me to invite her but I won’t budge.
My dad understands this is a personal trip and doesn’t care that he wasn’t invited but my stepmother keeps complaining that I knew she liked to travel and should have invited her.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This is a trip on which YOU were invited by your partner and their family.
You don’t have an invite to offer as you are the invited guest.
Tell your stepmother that if she wants to travel, she needs to secure her own invitation from her partner (your dad) or invite him to travel with her. Then maybe tell your dad to come to take care of his pushy, out-of-line wife.
She’s his problem, not yours. Good lord, the audacity.” VexBoxx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t invite guests to other people’s houses, and it’s obnoxious of her to try to invite herself – seriously, inviting yourself ANYWHERE is so freaking rude! If someone doesn’t invite you, you aren’t invited!
Case closed! You can say ‘Oh that sounds fun!’ and gracefully leave it there – if they want you to come, they’ll invite you!
It sounds like your dad married an overgrown spoiled child.” Dark_Moonstruck
Another User Comments:
“‘my stepmother keeps complaining that I knew she liked to travel’
No one says she can’t make the trip on her own dime, but you’re absolutely right to not just invite her because it’s not your call.
In the end, it might look like a good idea on paper, but I’m not sure if it would be in reality, because you go there to meet your partner’s parents, it was never planned a big get-together or something like that.
NTJ” Lotex_Style
9. AITJ For Not Going To My Friend's Wedding?
“I am set to be a bridesmaid in my best friend’s upcoming wedding. It is a destination wedding and I have spent nearly $3000 on everything needed. I had booked to share a room with one of the other bridesmaids.
The wedding is upcoming in 4.5 weeks, and I was just informed that the bridesmaid I was supposed to be sharing a room with will be bringing her partner, and will ‘need the room sometimes so they can have some alone time’. I am not ok with a stranger staying in my room that I paid the majority of the cost. The girl would not be compensating for what I have already paid.
The bridesmaid messaged the group chat saying the girl was coming without asking me first and it was already paid for. Long story short, I said it made me uncomfortable, and she told me to get lost. There was a big argument, and at the end of it, I set my boundary, stated my feelings, and said if no one is willing to respect this, then I won’t be attending.
It’s too late for me to book a single room as nothing’s available. Now everyone is coming at me saying I’m being selfish for not attending. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Can you contact the hotel and tell the that the bridesmaid is trying to take your room and get them to enforce payment from her?
You booked the room for two people, not three. If your credit card is the only one associated with the booking you may be able to get the hotel to take her name off the room.
If that doesn’t work you could go with a more nuclear option since it doesn’t seem that your ‘friends’ including the bride care how you feel about the situation.
You could send them a bill with a letter stating you will involve a lawyer if necessary. You shouldn’t be out thousands of dollars so that she can shack up with her SO. If she wanted to bring her SO she should have paid for their own room.
You shouldn’t be paying for their romantic getaway.” cute-puzzler1088
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, for refusing to attend, but I do think you’re being a bit of a jerk to yourself if you are just going to eat these costs. You need to go above the tour operator’s head, go directly to the resort, etc. Since no one offered to switch since you’re uncomfortable (as I would be too), it almost seems as if this was a way to try and trick you into paying.” Anndee123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I would make it so inconvenient, that a refund would be a happy and easy option for them. Reviews online, mentioning that they only require input from one person named for the room, and also mentioning the safety concerns that it brings.
I would mention the company’s absolute lack of effort to fix the problem and the refusal of a refund.
I would call them a bunch. I would email them a bunch. I would make sure they know that the other roommate wants me to have to leave for periods of time, despite paying a bigger share.
If that still didn’t work, I would show up with my own extra person, especially if the girl’s name isn’t explicitly stated.
If that was disallowed, I would look in to reporting them to whatever travel agency/board I could. You’re supposed to get what you pay for, and OP is not getting that.
I’m petty and don’t care if one place doesn’t want me to return though, so I wouldn’t jump at my advice lol. I am very anti-getting-screwed-over, especially when it costs likely at least hundreds of dollars.” Ok_Enthusiasm3345
8. AITJ For Filing A Noise Complaint Against My Neighbors?
“I live in a downstairs apartment. My upstairs neighbors are single dad with 2 young kids and his adult brother. The kids often run through the apartment late in the evening but I bought earplugs and dealt with them because I know kids will be kids.
What caused me to file a noise complaint is that they play kids’ music almost every evening. Like – really loud to the point that I can clearly hear every word of the songs in my apartment. I’ve asked them a couple of times to lower the volume and they grudgingly did.
Music was pounding again last night, I went up to ask them to turn it down (not off, just down) and the brother got in my face and said he was sick of my complaints and as long as it was before 10 pm they could play music as loud as they want.
I could see I wasn’t going to get anywhere so I informed them that I would be contacting the office and left.
I put in the complaint with the office and my son overheard me on the phone and was mortified and told me I was being a Karen and shouldn’t have complained.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should never hear the lyrics of music being played by the neighbors. If you can, it is way too loud. And since you tried to be nice about it by letting them know and telling them off, I would say the complaint was warranted. It only turns into that other thing, when it is just some mild thumping that can be drowned out with TV or your own music.
It could have been worse though, you could be petty for a weekend and turn your music up super loud for them to hear the lyrics (even check to make sure) and leave. Or if you have a smart speaker controlled by an app, you can even get greater revenge while away by turning it on from 9 pm to 10:30 pm.
I would resort to petty revenge, if the landlord does nothing.” AlbertaDaisy
Another User Comments:
“Well, looks like there are several jerks in this scenario, your son being one of them for not having mom’s back. Shame on him! Yes, you should have filed a complaint & called the cops for noise disturbance.
Not everyone has 9 to 5 hrs, so just because it’s not 10 pm doesn’t make it ok to make your neighbors suffer. Your home is your castle & since rent is required, then a quiet, comfortable living existence is what you’re paying for. If the jerk neighbors want to jam then rent a house out in the country & blast it all night long.
And I’d put your son in his place.” Gold-Draft6479
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
No one gets to be as loud as they want in an apartment just because it’s not 10 pm. That’s ridiculous.
There will always be noise due to living in close proximity to neighbors, but excessive stomping and noise are simply not acceptable.
OP, you are not being ‘a Karen’. Not by a long shot. From here on out, don’t even bother with the neighbors. You deal with the landlord or property manager only.” effie-sue
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Responsible For Sending Birthday Cards And Gifts?
“I’m currently getting it in the neck because my husband is useless at remembering to send cards to his large immediate and extended family’s children. One member of his family in particular is very disgruntled about it, especially as hubby’s own kids ( from a previous marriage) receive cards and money from everyone else.
Hubby has an awful memory but I’m getting reports that I’m the one who should be stepping up to do it as his partner. He thinks that cards just aren’t that important and that as he never asked his family to send funds to his own kids he doesn’t see why he should be strong-armed into it.
I have quite a few children ( not my own) on my own side of the family that I have to try to remember to send cards/gifts/money to and to cover that on his behalf would just be too much for me to remember to do.
Not to mention the cost, there are at least 3-4 birthdays every month of the year on his side. I just can’t do both. I’m already spending on average around 50 dollars a month covering my family’s children and remembering to cover them is no mean feat on its own!
AITJ for being annoyed that as a woman I’m just expected to step up?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If you guys don’t have merged finances, and it sounds like you don’t, it’s not your job to cover his financial responsibilities. You need a script for his family when they bring this up; ‘you need to speak to your husband about this, he doesn’t think this is important and he’d be fine if you stopped sending funds to his children as well, it’s not my decision’.
Alternatively, if you just want everyone to shut up, get a list of the birthdays and tell him how much he needs to cover it. Then buy a stash of cards and write them ahead including the envelopes, have him give you the money and add it to the envelopes and then post the appropriate ones at the beginning of each month.
Sell it to him as the easiest way of placating his family and you.” Agreeable_Space2759
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This sounds like a case of weaponized incompetence – he acts like he’s really bad at something so he doesn’t have to do it. He could set reminders on his phone or calendar, buy a stock of cards in advance to send out when the time came (I do this all the time!), or call them and apologize himself for not remembering – but no, he and his family have decided to blame YOU, instead of the actual source of the problem.
I hate so much that the wife is always expected to handle all social obligations, making appointments, getting groceries, etc. and people don’t think a grown adult man can do anything for himself!
Tell him that he needs to handle the cards for his side of the family and if they complain about it and accuse you of being the problem he needs to step up and tell them that it’s not your job.” Dark_Moonstruck
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Women have to do wife work and carry the mental load yet many men aren’t expected to do it if the shoe was on the other foot.
He can do it, he is just choosing not to and they know he feels that way so they are taking it out on you.
He doesn’t even have to send a card. He could just as easily purchase something online and send it to someone’s home. Highly doubt in this day and age, he can’t jot those birthdays into a calendar with an alert to send a gift.” PhoenixRosehere
6. AITJ For Being Mad That My Friend Kept The Donations For 5 Years?
“So, I’m a senior in high school, when I was in 7th grade some classmates and I held a donation project to help victims of a then-recent disaster that happened in our country, I don’t remember how much exactly we raised but we had quite a bit of funds like this project was done over a whole year and we had a medium-sized box full of bills, my family donated, Julia’s family, Charles’s family, teachers, the now retired old principal, we made the local paper actually, back then my friend Charles told me that his mom volunteered to get the funds and donate it afterward and being the dumb kids we were my friend Julia and I just gave him everything we raised and forgot about it, we did our presentation in class and ended up getting a good grade.
Now I’m a senior and for some reason, I started thinking about that project again given recent natural disasters and whatnot, and I curiously asked Charles (or Chaz as we now call him) whatever happened to those funds, and he told me they never got around to donating it and he’s ‘pretty sure his mom spent it on something’.
Look it’s been a while and I get that this isn’t worth arguing over, but I got a lot of people I know and my family to donate to that project, even the old principal who’s now retired, I’m just annoyed at this, and yes I confronted him about it and we argued.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But I wouldn’t hold it against your friend, as long as he realizes that what happened was messed up. You guys were in 7th grade and he probably didn’t even know what to do with the funds. He doesn’t know what happened to it, really.
Yeah, he probably should have said something to you back then, or been a little more conscientious, but it was 7th grade. Y’all were kids. I think this one is all on his mom.” Red-belliedOrator
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Might be pretty hard to prove fraud as OP can’t remember the exact amount that was to be donated, they will also have a bit of trouble disproving the donation unless you can get something written stating they didn’t donate it and spent it instead(they could claim the donated it to various charities in small quantities) but still most definitely worth a shot anyway and who knows what else they’ve done too if they’re willing to fraud charitable donations.” Impressive-Pace9320
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His mother lied to everyone about what she was going to do with the funds, then took it for herself. That’s at least fraud and possibly embezzlement. Also, if she didn’t declare the income from what she kept, she also committed tax fraud.
These are not good people. If the amount was significant, I’d report it to the police.” SirMittensOfTheHill
5. AITJ For Uninviting My Recently Widowed Brother?
“My (F29) brother’s wife passed away recently from cancer about 8 weeks ago. He isolated himself from everyone for 2 weeks. Mom and dad were so worried about him, and so they started inviting him to family events at their house. He agreed to come, but someone mentions his wife, even just her name, and he begins to sob.
I’m not exaggerating… As a result, dinner gets awkward, and whatever event is being hosted gets interrupted.
This happened 3 times already. Last weekend was my turn to host dinner. I’m not gonna lie. My husband and I were worried the same thing will happen again.
My husband said it’d be almost impossible that no one will mention my brother’s wife at some point. So he suggested I let my brother sit this one out. In other words, just let him stay home and get the space he needs. I considered the idea, then called my brother and apologized to him for canceling his invite.
he wasn’t happy about it, which surprised me because I thought he was basically forced to attend those events. My parents found out and went off on me, calling my behavior disgraceful and saying that I was unsupportive and unfeeling to what my brother was going through to exclude him like that.
I explained why I thought this was the best option but they claimed that I took away the comfort and support that my brother gets from the people around him. They said that I was selfish and have no regard for my brother’s loss but I 100% do.
my husband said that my parents obviously don’t care about guests being uncomfortable watching my brother sob at every event and causing it to be cut short like that.
They’re still pretty much mad at me and demanding I apologize to my brother because I hurt his feelings.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
If the true intention of the call was to give him an out… then you give him an option. If you had asked him what he needs or prefers rather than telling him (he needs space) and canceling his invitation, you might have avoided being the jerk.
If you’re so uncomfortable with his pain and discomfort that you’re willing to shut him out after HIS WIFE PASSED AWAY ONLY 2 MONTHS AGO!? That sounds like a you-problem and I can only hope he has other support during this time. You all need therapy and you might want to apologize for assuming his needs.” Puzzled-echo52
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and so is your husband. Aside from the fact that you two show no compassion and think his mourning is ruining your events, you actually never ASKED your brother if he felt uncomfortable at someone’s place during this horrible time for him.
Maybe it helps him to talk about his beloved wife and, in case you didn’t know, crying helps some people more than anything else. But instead of asking him like any caring sister would, you had the audacity to think you knew better how he feels and what he needs.
You never even mention helping him, talking to him, or even saying anything (nice) about his late wife. Your entire story sounds cold and your action toward your BROTHER was simply cruel. An apology will not be enough here…” TheMemoryLivesOn
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You just rescinded the invite rather than asking him what would make him comfortable.
You did not rescind the invite out of consideration for his feelings but rather out of a desire to ensure a comfortable experience for your other guests.
You prioritized your guest’s comfort over your grieving brother’s need for support and then attempted to frame it as you protecting him so you wouldn’t look like the bad guy.
I believe that you 100% care for him and want to be supportive, but I do not believe that that was the primary motivating factor for this decision.
Look, there is nothing wrong with holding a dinner party that your brother doesn’t attend. While he is grieving, that does not mean that you are obligated to grieve in the same manner or period of time, and should feel free to participate in social engagements of which he is not a part.
This, however, would not involve dis-inviting a grieving widower to an event he had already been invited to.” Narkareth
4. AITJ For Being Mad Over $4?
“So as I (35M) am currently both disappointed and bitterly angry, I’ll keep this brief and to relevant details. So for backstory, my MIL lives with us (she is disabled, doesn’t work, and essentially is a live-in babysitter). So the bookfair is at the school today, and I let all my kids pick out one book this time around (finances are tight) but my oldest (7F) wanted a few more things so we let her take some of her birthday money to school with her ($25) to get a few pens and unicorn notebook.
So I found out today that after my MIL picked up the kids from school today she ‘borrowed’ $4 of my oldest kids’ change from the book fair. And I am absolutely livid. I have not been this angry in a long time. Because here is the thing – here is the thing – she used that $4 to buy cigars.
And what annoys me is she HAS NO money outside what my and my fiancée provide her. And she spends this money on junk food and cigars. And I don’t really like that part, but screw it. She doesn’t/can’t work and she helps me out a LOT by watching the kids while I work.
So I spend a lot on junk food and smoking for her. She asks and nobody says no. So what annoys me is that NOT ONLY does she know we would have bought her smoke today… but how does she plan on paying my kid back?
She has NO money outside what I provide her and all of that goes into smoking. All the junk food comes out of the food budget for the family. So she won’t pay my kid back… for Pete’s sake, she owes her own kid (he also lives with me) almost $100 that she ‘borrowed’ from his first tattoo fund that he has never gotten back.
So am I the jerk for being so blindingly angry she is having my SEVEN-YEAR-OLD support her addiction?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because this is a culmination of issues and frustration. I’m surprised. Impressed? Concerned? That you seem to be supporting so much of your soon-to-be in-laws.
(Why is her son living with you too?) That being said, all the more reason that she shouldn’t be taking funds from her grandkid.
As for the $4, I’d say talk to your MIL once you’re calmer and explain what you said that she only had to ask you/your fiance for the budget to buy what she wanted. It’s not right to involve a child in that discussion.
Have her either give your daughter the $4 or buy what she wanted from the book fair. Since the funds came from you regardless (going to her or your daughter), your MIL makes the gesture to ‘pay’ your daughter back to hopefully restore/maintain your daughter’s sense of fairness.
Although your MIL doesn’t seem to have an internal sense that it’s wrong to take money from her grandchild, do you think she would fight you on paying her back?
Also, have a quiet talk with your children that the money given to them is theirs?” pomegranateseed13
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You sound super petty. She lives with you, has no money and you say she’s a live-in sitter. So she’s basically your free nanny and you’re upset because she said borrow? Do you have any idea what it would be like to live with someone and have no money?
How humiliating that might be? She has to depend on her son to provide. Imagine having no pocket money and having to ASK you for everything she wants. Look I’m not saying what she wants is good. That’s not the point. The point is you’re annoyed over $4 from your live-in nanny, who you do not pay.
Sounds like YTJ to me.
Pay her what she’s worth, then she can pay back her debt to your kid. Or maybe you can step up, and give her funds so she can pay back the kid and not look like a liar in front of her grandchildren.
Or even better maybe you can give her pocket money so she does not need to ‘ask’ for special things. Average out what you spend, give her the money and say if you go over it that’s it. God, why are you so triggered over $4?” andsoshefell
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The amount is totally irrelevant, it’s the fact that asked a SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CHILD who she has no way or intention of paying back, for money, FOR SMOKE!
IF she had asked you, you would have got her some – she did not need to stiff her own grandchild!
I would work out what her share of the rent/bills is, divide that by the number of hours she helps you, and see if it’s actually worth having her around!
She smokes and eats junk food all the time, hardly a good role model for your kids!
Reading on a bit, she did come to you after the fact & tell you that she’d fked up, which is minorly redeeming – but she has her own bank card on your joint account & has access to your wallet but stiffed her grandkid first!
Yes she is ‘clean’ now from illegal stuff, but please remember that smoking and junk food are addictions too – she’s just swapped nasty nasty ones for more socially acceptable ones!” Tinky_Demon666
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
She borrowed $4. It’s not the end of the world.
I think the issue is a lot deeper than that. You feel you provide too much for her, but she also provides you with free childcare, which also has monetary value. Have you considered giving her a monthly allowance instead of just buying the indulgences she wants?
You probably don’t have any legal obligation to put a roof under her head and support her, but since you and your wife decided to do so, fully knowing she had no income, don’t you think she was financially mistreated by not having access to a single dime herself?” albrcanmeme
3. AITJ For Reporting My Neighbors?
“I work for maintenance at my complex.
This girl just moved in for a job in the city. She randomly appeared with a dog, so I looked her profile up in our system and noticed that she did not have a dog on the lease.
The dog seems good and he doesn’t bark throughout the day. I just felt like it was wrong for her to bring a dog without putting the dog in the lease, quite frankly cheap.
I told the leasing office and they have noticed her get rid of the dog or put it on the lease.
She used to greet me if we crossed paths, but now she turns the other way or ignores me. I know the leasing office told her that I notified them. AITJ for letting them know that she brought a dog?
Edit: Ok. It was a creepy thing to do.
I didn’t think further about it. I should’ve put myself into her shoes before writing about this because if I was a woman and a man did this to me, I’d be creeped out as well. I have learned my lesson and will refrain from doing any of this from here on out.
Edit 2: I do not have any interest in her and was just curious since I kinda know which dogs belong to which owners. I know I made a mistake and I won’t do it again.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So the dog wasn’t bothering you, didn’t do anything to you, and wasn’t the subject of complaints.
You were upset because it’s ‘not fair.’ So you went and reported her without even once approaching her and saying ‘Hey, did you know animals need to be on the lease? There’s a form you fill out at the office.’ Which is a normal friendly way of saying ‘I see you have a dog that’s not on the lease and I work for the property.
I’m about to report you.’
You didn’t give someone who’s been friendly to you a chance to correct the problem before turning them in. That’s why she’s ignoring you.” MmeHomebody
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Let me get this straight. You saw a new neighbor and her pet.
You then decided to use your access to the resident’s private information (that you have access to for employment) to look at her personal information and then reported her for having a pet. And you’re upset that she won’t acknowledge you anymore?
Do you understand how unbelievably creepy you are?
You have made an unknown single woman scared and unsafe in her home. You used your workplace access to jeopardize her housing, her pet, and her safety, for what? To snitch? To have control over a stranger? I’m unsure of your motivation.
Are you aware you can be fired for this?
You breached her private information. You have access to her home, as a maintenance man. My alarm bells won’t stop ringing. You are a creep and a threat to safety.” ImpatientSnoop
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. and a creep. You need to apologize to her. You have no idea if it’s her dog or not.
She could just be dog-sitting. And honestly, I’d ignore you too. you should have asked her first before going to the leasing office what a crappy thing to do. And what you did looking up HER records is so creepy no wonder why she’s ignoring you you creeped her out.
And just because you know what dog goes with what owners doesn’t give you a right to say anything.
You could’ve asked her first but you didn’t because you’re a jerk. leave the poor girl alone. Also, maintenance doesn’t take care of the renting leases so again you have no right to look at her record, if I was her I’d complain about you.
You are LITERALLY stalking her. I hope you get fired I wouldn’t feel safe living in a place where anyone can just look at my records and stalk me. Holy cow. And I find it hard to believe you have no interest in her you are literally stalking her.
Hopefully, she goes to the police and tells them you stalking her. I feel bad for her.” idontknowyou2005
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend My Best Friend's Wedding?
“One of my best friends is getting married in 5 days. For years we’ve been part of a 4 person best-friend group. She’s always told me (unprompted) that when she gets married she wants me and everyone else in our group to be bridesmaids.
A few months ago she tells us she was getting married and they won’t be doing a bridal party, no bridesmaids, no groomsmen. They want a ‘small wedding’ of 80-100 ppl. I offer to help out, plan or organize anything to help alleviate the burden.
I thought since she doesn’t want to go through the trouble of planning/organizing a bridal party I could still act as an honorary bridesmaid as she mentioned several times if there was a bridal party she’d want me in it. I ask her several times if she’s changed her mind about a bridal party just in case I can help because I wouldn’t want her to miss out on having everything she ever wanted just because the stress of planning it was too much.
So she tells me to my face ‘no bridal party’, it’s too much work says she wants a low-key wedding nothing traditional. I completely respect that and leave it be.
Today it’s 5 days before the wedding and she texts me saying she in fact is having a bridal party and I’m not invited but it’s ‘nothing personal.’ I’m so confused and ask her who’s going to be at the bridal party.
Literally our whole friend group EXCEPT me. I’d understand if it was just family or 1 or 2 people but it’s literally everyone in our friend group besides me. She had told them ALL 2 MONTHS ago. She made them all keep quiet and was never intending to even tell me until another friend guilt-tripped her saying it would be messed up for me to show up to the wedding at an empty table.
She wanted to publicly embarrass me on the day of and only didn’t because someone else guilted her into telling me.
I consider myself a pretty low-maintenance friend and in the past when she did little selfish things, I never held it against her. But she lied to my face for 2 months and made everyone else lie by proxy (to be clear I’m not upset with any of them it wasn’t their story to tell) I can’t help but feel hurt and betrayed. She didn’t even call or tell me in person just a text with no context or explanation.
I feel like I don’t even know her anymore like this friendship was a lie too, how only I’ve been there for her over the years as a constant support to her.
One of my friends in the group kind of bullied me telling me I need to get over it another says I’m fully justified and what she did was wrong.
I don’t mind necessarily not being in the bridal party something like that isn’t a big deal it’s more about the lying and plotting against me behind my back and not telling me why. I feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation. I just feel really uncomfortable and awkward going alone while all my friends are busy with the wedding party.
Am I the jerk if I don’t feel comfortable going to her wedding anymore?”
Another User Comments:
“Wait! Wait! Wait? You’re telling me that even after she told you they were no bridesmaids, and you graciously offered to do all the duties of a bridesmaid without being one.
And she still told you to know bridesmaids. All the while she had bridesmaids and was secretly doing all this behind your back?
That’s just nasty, that woman is not your friend, you owe her nothing, take the money you would’ve spent for a gift and go to the spa.
Avoid that wedding for all you’re worth. You deserve better.
NTJ” justtired2022
Another User Comments:
“When will people stop making other people’s weddings about themselves?
The fact that they have had to keep it quiet for months says more about you than them. Sounds like she anticipated your tantrum about not being in the wedding party so held off telling you as long as possible.
So instead of 2 months of tantrums, it’s only 5 days. You need to ask yourself why they wouldn’t want you to know till the last minute. If she is a good friend, do you honestly believe it was done to embarrass you? Or was it because this is her day, she has plenty of things to get organized without a problem on the side because someone is making it all about ‘their feelings’?
You got a text because she didn’t want to deal with a potential issue, and it looks like she was correct to do so. Crappy move but not something id wants to deal with 5 days out from my wedding day.
You are only in a lose-lose situation because you want to be.
Either go or don’t go to the wedding, but stop thinking you have a right to be upset because someone doesn’t want you in their bridal party. You don’t have that right. Ever.
YTJ for making her wedding about you.
Also… So out of the 4 people in the friend group, one is the bride, and 2 are bridesmaids.
The ‘whole group except me’ made it sound like at least 6 or 8 people.” bygeez
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I wouldn’t go to the wedding. And I would excuse myself from the group chat because these girls don’t really seem like your friends. Remain friends with the one that insisted the bride tell and the friend that has validated your feelings (or maybe it’s the same friend but keep that one because she is a good friend), the others can kick rocks.
You went out of your way several times to try to help the bride and instead of her telling you the truth she lied to your face at each turn.
And speaking of the bridal shower, I’m certain there was one and you weren’t invited (ask the good friend), and if so then you definitely know your answer about how scummy the bride friend is.” *************
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You for asking her repeatedly if she changed her mind about having a bridal party. You basicaly assigned yourself the role of honorary bridesmaid and then kept bugging her about her decision to not have bridesmaids.
Are you sure that she was trying to embarrass you?
Or is it possible that you made such a big deal about being her bridesmaid she didn’t want you controlling everything but didn’t know how to tell you?
Either way, it’s an ‘everyone sucks here’.” GWeb1920
1. AITJ For Keeping In Touch With My Son's Ex-Wife?
“So my son and C divorced a little over a year ago, and the spilt was rocky. It wasn’t because of infidelity or anything that I know of, it just seemed like the marriage got tense around the end and things just didn’t work out.
I get along quite well with C, as we share quite a few hobbies and interests together, and I still keep in touch with her even after the divorce.
My son has a new partner, and while she’s nice, we aren’t really close because we don’t share many things in common.
I don’t bring C around them nor do I want my son and C to get back together.
My son has recently told me that he’s uncomfortable with me talking to C and that his partner feels like I don’t like her and prefer C over her.
I told him while I’m sorry they felt that way, but I saw C as a friend, and that I don’t have any ‘favorites’.
My son has been colder toward me since then, saying that I’m showing bias, and I’m wondering if I’m in the wrong here.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“It’s normal for someone to want space and to keep their new life private from their ex after a divorce. When an ex-spouse has peripheral access to news in your life (and yes, how your family is doing is your news to share with a SO; an ex normally would not be privy to those updates) that you haven’t freely given, it feels violating.
The fact that you have hobbies in common doesn’t make this less weird – let’s say it’s golf. You regularly golf with your former daughter-in-law, alone, not with grandkids for the sake of the kids, but because you like her company. That’s weird and uncomfortable at best.
No jerks here because there’s no alleged mistreatment, but you are clearly prioritizing your friendship with your former DIL over having a normal father-son relationship. I guess that’s fine. but if I was your kid, I’d be really disappointed. Your actions leave him with putting you on an ‘information diet’ as his best way to keep up the boundaries with his ex that you’re making way more complicated than needed.” newbeginingshey
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You say you don’t know what really happened but it was ‘rocky’. My family chose to stay in touch with my abusive ex. I’ve been in No Contact with them for years now. There were other issues but them choosing a relationship with my ex opened my eyes to all the other things that I didn’t want in my life either.
Your son may be coming to the same realization about you.
One of their reasons was like yours. They said, ‘we don’t pick sides’. There is no side here. This is your son. He should be your ‘favorite’. So toxic. Your post could be lifted straight from the Missing Reasons article.
Your son took legal steps to remove this woman from his life and there’s his own mother acting like her BFF, telling her all about his new life and partner. Actively working to keep her in his life.
I can’t help but wonder if you got closer after the divorce.
You’re not being the bigger person here. You could be friends with any one of millions of women but you choose the woman your son chose to legally end his relationship with.” emccm
Another User Comments:
“This is a grey zone.
If my mom was not very warm to my current partner and I found out that she was still inviting my ex over I’d ask him to stop too.
That one would be weird in my opinion.
I guess the root question is: why did you keep the relationship with C going even after their divorce? Was it because you liked having her around (so self-serving reasons), or was it that you think she needed the support (putting her needs as a priority over your sons)?
Either way, your son is communicating a boundary, and you seem to be either putting your own needs above his, or her needs above his. One makes you the jerk, the other just means you don’t have much tact, but does not make you the jerk.
With all of this said, it doesn’t matter if you are or are not the jerk, the question now is whose relationship is more important to you? If you keep C in your life, I can all but promise your relationship with your son will be strained forever.
If you kick her out of your life now your son could probably forget and forgive and there’s no continuing drama in the family. You have to ask yourself how important your relationship with C is and if keeping it is worth possibly ruining your relationship with your son.” guntonom
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Of course, you are all adults and you can choose to be friends with whoever you want, but why would you choose to be friends with your son’s ex-wife when he specifically told you it makes him uncomfortable? Did you really because that good of friends with C that you’re willing to alienate your son?
He will feel like you’re choosing his ex-wife over him and he will pull away, you say you can already feel him being cold to you. Is your friendship with C worth that? Is it worth losing the relationship you have with your son?
In a perfect world, you’d be able to maintain both relationships without issue, but this isn’t a perfect world. Divorce is hard, and he wants to feel like you’re on his side. Your son should be your priority here, not his ex-wife.” NJtoOx
