Lawyers Share Their “Oh Crap!” Moments In Court

Though they are meant to be bastions of law and order, representing blind justice and social values, courtrooms can actually be insane, chaotic places. While the staff and very design of the room try to impose structure upon the proceedings, there is simply no stopping a person when they are determined to do or say something truly foolish. Lawyers attempt to control their clients, bailiffs are an ever-imposing presence, the very walls exude sombreness, and the judge presides over all with an iron sense of justice, but still, people manage to introduce chaos into the courtroom proceedings. It’s almost like many of the people in court have a tendency to break the rules and not listen to authority figures…

The stories that follow are told by lawyers and other members of staff that are present during court: bailiffs, stenographers (the people who type what is spoken in court for records), etc. They share with all of us the most ridiculous thing they saw or heard someone do in court, something that made them do a mental double-take and think, “Did they really just say that? And here of all places?” Many of these stories are amusing, a few are sad, others are pathetic, but they can all provide us with lessons.

Lessons on what not to do or say in court, and lessons on just how foolish some people can be.
42. She Slept With The Detective Investigating Her Case 

“Represented a woman charged with multiple very serious felonies. She insisted that in the months before the offense, she’d been seriously dating one of the detectives who ultimately wound up investigating and testifying in her case. For a variety of reasons, I trusted this client and believed her, even though the detective never disclosed the relationship in his report.

So, during his testimony, I ask: ‘Detective Smith, you had a romantic relationship with Ms. Defendant, correct?’ He goes: ‘What? No!’ and is visibly offended.

The judge looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, the commonwealth attorney audibly says ‘what?’ I’m freaking out because a large part of my cross and argument was focused on the bias formed by the prior relationship, and now I’ve got nothing and I’ve lost all credibility.

I try again, ‘Detective Smith, have you had a ****** relationship with Ms. Defendant?’. As the commonwealth rises to object and the judge starts to scold me, the detective goes, ‘Oh, yea. We’ve had ***, it just wasn’t very…romantic.'” Fictional_Idolatry

41. He Admitted To Shooting The Victim Twice

“When I was in college, I was a bailiff.

A guy is on trial for murder. The first witness testified that she saw the defendant shoot the victim. The second witness states the same. Police officer testimony is that he arrived at the scene and the defendant was there holding the gun. Coroner testimony is that the first bullet hit the victim in the arm, the second bullet hit the victim in the torso and the third bullet hit the victim in the heart which was the fatal shot.

Defendant yells out: ‘See, that proves that I didn’t kill him, I only shot the ************ twice.'” Mynameisinuse

40. I Got Yelled At By The Judge

“I was a baby lawyer in my first year representing the 19-year-old child of some rich people in San Mateo County CA.

My client had gone on a bit of a shoplifting spree and we were cleaning all her cases up with a global plea (meaning we handled them all at once).

Being new, I filled out the plea form wrong swapping the counts she was charged with for the counts she was pleading to. It’s an easy mistake to make. Every court has its own unique form and I was unfamiliar with San Mateo’s.

The judge calls my line, starts reading off the plea form, notices the mistake and then starts screaming at the top of his lungs: ‘COUNSEL! WHAT IS THIS?! WHAT IS THIS?! IS THIS YOUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB? THIS IS A COURT OF LAW AND WE DO NOT ACCEPT MISTAKES! FILL THIS PLEA FORM OIT CORRECTLY OR I WILL HAVE YOU TAKEN INTO CUSTODY FOR CONTEMPT!’

I did not expect a reaction like that.

My client, who had clearly just taken a huge bong rip at 8 AM and who was wearing an all-pink velvet tracksuit, was looking at me like I was the biggest idiot in the world.

I corrected the plea form. The judge made me wait until the very end of the calendar to take my plea. Afterward, he called me up to the bench. In private he told me, ‘Sorry to ream you like that. Everyone messes the plea form up so I always pick the youngest lawyer to yell at. The older guys will grumble and complain, but if you noticed they all fixed their own forms and we didn’t have any more problems.

Keeps the calendar running smooth. Where did you go to law school?’

After that, he invited me into his office for coffee and gave me some really good life/work advice. Turns out he likes talking to new lawyers.” dangerousgift

39. He Had The Cop Admit To His Mistake 

“I was in court listening to the most boring old defense lawyer you’ve ever seen, he was questioning the arresting officer in the case. It was ***** or something like that.

Anyway, he’s droning on about every little detail and the magistrate was constantly telling him to hurry along. The arresting officer was getting noticeably annoyed and the room became empty pretty quick.

Everyone was very bored and annoyed. He was droning about details that I’m not sure anyone was really listening to or cared about.

Anyway, he went over arrest times and the likes with the officer, time he admitted the suspect and released him. He had bored the officer to the point where he was barely paying attention.

‘So he was admitted in at 21:45 on the night in question?’

‘Yes.’

‘And released the night after?’

‘Yes.’

‘And that was what? Just after 10 pm?’

‘Yes.’

‘What time after 10?’

‘I don’t know, quarter past 10 maybe.’

‘So my client was detained for more than 24 hours.’

‘Erm…wait.’

The penny dropped. The officer let his guard down and had revealed he kept the defendant for more than 24 hours, which is the max time for detention in the UK.

The defense rested and the magistrate threw the case out immediately. Well played sir, well played.” War_King_123

38. He Openly Admitted To Doing ***** While In Court

“I was involved in a pretty messy custody case. The other party was a mess and had kept the child from my client for a few weeks. The opposing counsel (OP) was playing lots of stupid games and kept requesting continuances. I requested a drug test, which the judge ordered. However, the OP didn’t show up for it (to clarify, he did show up, he just stood in front of the toilet for literally 2 hours and claimed he couldn’t pee).

I was representing the plaintiff so the burden was on me. I called multiple witnesses that testified to the defendant’s drug use. So, opposing counsel decides to call their client for direct examination and asks: ‘You don’t use and hard *****, right?’ That is, for the non-lawyers, a very stupid question for many reasons. Especially considering his client didn’t show up for his drug test. However, I fully expected the defendant to just lie and say he was clean. After the question was asked, there was a really long pause and the defendant said, ‘Yes, I do those *****.’ My head almost exploded.

I didn’t ask any questions on cross-examination because I didn’t want to muddy the waters. I won, and the child is doing great.” TurkeyOfJive
37. He Had To Pick Up His Kids From School, So He Poisoned The Jury

“I was interning for a judge, we were in the middle of voir dire, for what was frankly not that exciting of a criminal case-half day trial expected, not salacious details or violence or anything. 75 potential jurors in the room, and when my judge didn’t let a guy out of jury duty ‘because he’d have to pick up his kids’ that guy proceeded to say in front of everyone that if he was made to show up next week he’d make it the shortest trial ever and find him guilty right out of the gate.

My judge was an incredibly even-keel guy. Nothing shook him or got a rise out of him, and he was an expert at figuring out what he wanted to say in the most neutral fashion possible before he said it (conversations with him took forever because there was a pause before every sentence).

But then. BUT THEN. This guy poisons an entire jury pool of 75 people. We had to individually question each person to see if that little outburst was going to affect their impartiality. 75 in-camera interviews later, judge pulls the guy back in front of everybody and begins to SCREAM at him about disrespecting him, the courts, and every other juror’s time.

Me, the attorneys, and the court reporter go white-faced because we didn’t know this was coming.

The guy didn’t have to sit for jury duty, but I still don’t know if he got to pick his kids up since he spent a couple of days in jail for contempt.” [deleted]

36. He Admitted To More Crimes Than He Was In Court For…

“My boss had to defend a small-time delinquent as a duty solicitor. Before going to court he asked her what he should do; she explained to him if he was cooperative and truthful his sentence would be milder.

After hearing the case the judge asked him if he wanted to add something.

He got up and explained to the judge: ‘My counsel told me to be truthful, so I wanted to tell you that I not only did the robbery I’m being heard for but also several others in the region.’ He continued to admit to several robberies that had been unsolved yet and everyone, even the state attorney, was facepalming.” ComradeCatilina

35. He Wore The Jacket That Proved Him Guilty

“Literally the first thing I ever did was just a law student intern. Guy has a legit defense on a drug possession case. ***** found in a jacket, the guy wasn’t wearing jacket, they were going to have a very difficult time proving the jacket belonged to my guy.

Had a long meeting with the client. Explained everything. The client was excited.

Day of the preliminary hearing, the guy shows up and sits down directly in front of the officer who arrested him…while wearing the jacket in question, the exact same jacket we were going to say they couldn’t prove belonged to him.” cuthman99

34. They Got Up To Yell At the Judge

“Was in court for a directions hearing. The judge was already in a bad mood and asked why we were here for such a seemingly pointless litigation (without giving details, he was right.)

The barrister starts to make our case, and I am taking notes about areas we need to further explore when I hear: ‘EXCUSE ME, WHY WERE YOU SO RUUUUUUDE TO ME?’

The client, who had been told to NOT COME, had come to court that day and was evidently incensed by the judge questioning the merit of their case.

They berated the judge for about 3 minutes, with me and my co-counsel first stunned and then trying to shut them up, before he adjourned the hearing.

The case did not go very well, to my client’s surprise and fury. Big sigh.” ladyfennec

33. His Dad Got Him Thrown In Jail

“Probably the funniest one I ever came across happened to a colleague. We were prosecutors then. 18-year-old defendant applying for bail. He needed a residential address and got his dad to show up at court to confirm that the family home was available to him. Defense lawyer gets old dad to confirm that the son can stay at the family home.

Dad says yes. My fellow prosecutor gets up and asks dad: ‘Do you really want him home?’ Dad goes off the deep end. ‘Jesus. The grief he’s brought me and his mother. Out all hours. Taking *****. Hiding stolen property in the garage. All night parties. I’m on anti-depressants and the wife’s had a nervous breakdown.’ Dad goes off on one for five solid minutes. As the defendant gets taken back to the cells, he calls out, ‘Thanks, Dad. I owe you one.'” Someluckinvolved
32. Obviously Fraudulent Documents

“I was at a hearing arguing that my client was wrongfully terminated because the employer failed to abide by the proper procedures.

During the hearing, a witness for the employer tried to offer documents that were fraudulently altered in order to make it look like the proper procedure was followed. I noticed the alteration. Opposing counsel quickly got that witness out of the room, and after a quick adjournment, my client got a large settlement.

It was an age discrimination case. it wasn’t a very strong case, but one of our arguments was that my client’s supervisor railroaded him by terminating him without following the proper procedures.

This employer (a government entity) is supposed to give its employees a certain number of days of advance notice before termination.

During discovery, the employer disclosed documents that indicated that they didn’t give the client proper advance notice. During the hearing, the witness shows up with the same paperwork, but with completely different dates-indicating that they did give him the proper notice.

The alteration was obvious to me because I was going to examine that witness as to the date. So, once I looked at the document she was giving me, it was obvious that something was wrong. Their lawyer had earlier given me an entirely different set of documents.” mincerray

31. The Doctor Couldn’t Tell Left From Right 

“I was representing a podiatrist in a case involving an allegedly injured foot from surgery.

The plaintiff’s podiatric surgery expert had a long report outlining various degrees between the bones of the foot that should be seen in a ‘healthy’ foot, that were ‘messed up’ in the plaintiff’s foot.

The morning that he was going to be called, I was reviewing the report in a diner near the courtroom and realized that he had based his ENTIRE report off of the foot that wasn’t operated on. (We also had surveillance of the guy walking around and doing everything in his normal life just fine.)

After confirming this bombshell with my client and our expert, on cross-examination, I had their doctor walk through his entire report again, outlining every detail about every ‘incorrect’ angle in the ‘injured’ foot and then said: ‘Doctor, I just have a couple of final questions.

First, which foot was operated on again?’

‘The left foot.’ He replied with a furrow in his brow.

‘And doctor, which foot is it in the X-ray that you’ve based your report entirely on, and reviewed here today?’

‘The left foot.’ He replied, confidently.

‘Are you sure about that? Why don’t you check again.’

I’ve never seen a grown man turn as pale as he did in realizing that he had written an entire report based on the wrong foot. The plaintiff’s attorney mig*********ht’ve* *** himself also. It seems like such an obvious thing, but 4 lawyers (me, plaintiff’s counsel and two codefendant attorneys) and a number of expert doctors all missed such a small basic thing.

Justice prevailed that day.” newaccount_whodis69

30. Their Doctor Was Suspended And Not Credible Enough

“Medical malpractice defense lawyer here representing hospitals/doctors. This was not my oh *** moment but the plaintiff’s oh *** moment. For context, usually at trial, both plaintiff and defendant will have an expert physician testify as to their opinion to whether the doctor/hospital performed everything correctly.

I thoroughly researched plaintiff’s expert, who was an ob/gyn (baby delivery) and found out he had been suspended a number of times for his own botched deliveries and giving incorrect medical testimony to help plaintiff’s cases.

During the actual day of trial, turns out he was not licensed to practice medicine independently without supervision from another physician and he was one year into his three-year suspension.

Plaintiff’s lawyers had no idea about their own expert’s background and they just sat there with a blank look on their face. Needless to say, during cross-examination, we destroyed his credibility and won at trial.” mclarenf1boi

29. I Confused Days With Years And Had Everyone In Court Laugh At Me 

“I was interning during law school prosecuting domestic violence cases. The Deputy DA asked me to talk for the first time during a guy’s arraignment for beating his wife. An arraignment is when the Defendant hears the charges against them and pleads guilty or not guilty basically. When the judge calls on me to speak, I got insanely nervous and told the Defendant that his charge carried a maximum penalty of 30 YEARS, when it was actually 30 DAYS.

He freaks out, the crowd (some in the gallery were his family and friends) gasps. The judge basically stops me and says, ‘I think you mean 30 days counselor.’ After which everyone, including the defendant, laughed at me.” theTalc

28. The Teen Admitted To Beating Up An Easter Bunny…

“I was a youth prosecutor/defense attorney in Teen Court. The youth defendant was on ‘trial’ for assault. I asked him what happened and he said: ‘My friends told me I wouldn’t beat up the Easter Bunny at the mall so I did.’ Only time I truly could not control my laughter in court.” hostilecarrot
27. He Was Almost Off The Hook Until His Friends Showed Up…

“A four-day trial where an estate manager (the dude in charge of the farms on a big landowners estate) was on trial for growing and distributing *****.

The police had raided the greenhouses and surrounding land and found tonnes of ***** in all stages of production. Dude claims that he is addicted to it and because his tolerance is so high after smoking so much for so long, he can only get a buzz from the very tips of the plant, where the THC content is most intense. He asks the court to believe that he just discards the rest of the plant, doesn’t sell it, doesn’t even give it away, just destroys the rest of the crop.
So, it’s the last day of evidence, where both sides sum up their case and remind the jury of the salient points of what’s been said.

Dude himself has been quiet and respectful throughout, smart suit, softspoken, stuck to his answers. I’d say the jury is not buying his claim and as the judge reminds us, it’s not about whether we think it should be legalized, it’s not about whether we think he has even sold the remaining bits of his plants, all we need to find him guilty is to think that beyond reasonable doubt, he had at some point shared a single joint with a friend and that that was enough to convict him for supply on the counts against him.
So the jury isn’t buying his story but we are also looking at him thinking he’s quite old, isn’t doing anyone any real harm, and is unlikely to be running a massive dealing empire.

Then on that last day, the public gallery (which has been empty all week) is suddenly full of the most blatantly stonery stoners you’ve seen in your life. One of them is even wearing an Adidas ‘adihash’ t-shirt. The jury files in, we sit down, we look at the public gallery and I think it’s safe to say we STARE at them. Defense barrister turns to see what we are looking at and visibly slumps, then glowers at the solicitor and hisses ‘REALLY???'” Noogirl
26. He May Need Another Trial After Witness Admits To This

“Two high-profile men on trial for killing another guy.

Both ex-cops from the 80s, a notorious time in our country for police corruption.

The first trial had been aborted after one barrister had made a casual comment that the other accused had already killed ‘two or three people,’ the second attempt was six weeks into an expected ten-week retrial. All of the networks and papers were covering this trial, the gallery was always packed with law students because of the many uniquely horrific aspects of the trial.

So, we’re six weeks into the retrial. Defense 1 gets up to cross-examine a witness.

‘Did you know of (accused murderer 1)?’

‘Yes, he was a cop and a drug dealer in the 80s.’

The court basically exploded, the judge immediately issued a non-publication order (meaning there was an embargo on all information from that day).

It was early afternoon but the judge excused the jury for the day then spent the next day and a half deliberating over whether to abandon the trial-over halfway through, and for the second time. The reason why this is such a big deal is that the witness accused the defendant of being a drug dealer. This is completely hearsay and influences the jury negatively. That comment could sway a jury from ‘not guilty’ to ‘well if he’s a drug dealer maybe he’s a murderer too.'” FindingAlaska

25. Both Lawyers Get Into A Heated Argument

“Staff attorney for a judge. Had a domestics hearing over some issue (final divorce hearing, custody).

The mother’s attorney is a prolific a$^hole in the community. Puts on a big dog and pony show because clients like to pay for the billboard, legal eagle cr*p. A pretty bad reputation in our legal community.

Father’s attorney (young attorney, mom’s attorney is an old guy) stands up and is attempting to examine his witness. Mom’s attorney stands up and objects to literally every sentence the father’s attorney starts. Judge just kind of sits hoping it will calm down, tells mom’s attorney to sit down. He continues, and just before the judge finds him in contempt, father’s attorney turns and says, ‘You may think because you’re older than me, you can treat me with disrespect.

You can hoop and holler all you want but you won’t do it at my expense. If you want to put on a show, go join the ****** circus, [attorney’s name].'” SkipFirstofHisName

24. He Ratted Himself Out Infront Of The Judge…

“Kid was being charged with arson in his high school. The first sign of trouble, the prosecutor is trying to get the investigator to say something specific. Note: this was a fire investigator.

‘What did you see?’

‘It was a bathroom.’

‘Anything else?’

‘Sink?’

‘What else did you see?’

‘Mirrors.’

‘What else?’

‘Trash can.’

‘Anything in the trash can?’

‘Paper towels.’

‘Anything unusual about the paper towels?’

‘They were burned?’

‘THANK YOU.’

Then she calls the co-conspirator who has made a plea deal, who according to opening statements will testify that the kid/ defendant started the fire.

The kid spoke and acted like a stoner.

‘What happened?’

‘We had some aftershave. We got some paper towels and poured the aftershave on the towels. Then I lit them-I mean he lit them!’

‘Your honor, I’d like a recess.’

End of trial.” xubax

23. The Victim Wasn’t Sure Of The Defendant In Court

“‘Do you see the defendant here in court?’

*Witness/victim looks at each jury member then everyone in the audience*

‘Nope.’

*Judge hides his face behind file folder*

‘Are you sure, maybe over on this side?’

Witness looks confused. ‘I’m not sure.’

I point at the defendant. ‘Maybe over at this table by that lawyer.’

. . . ‘Yeah, maybe.’

Keep in mind the defendant and victim knew each other very well.” AkumaBengoshi

22. They Didn’t Quite Know What They Were Saying

“I was just interning in court during law school but I’m a lawyer now.

Fight in a club, someone had broken someone else’s jaw and had 6 friends with him that insisted he had been identified wrongly because he never has a beard and the victim said he had a beard. They used a very specific phrasing to the tune of ‘my friend doesn’t have ****** hair because he is a professional in the food industry and it would go against the regulations.’ After three of the witnesses had repeated the same exact phrasing, the judge stopped one to ask if he knew what a couple of the terms in that line meant, and the witness couldn’t explain it.

Defense lawyer got busted for instructing the witnesses. She’d also gotten the defendant to reject a plea deal that exchanged prison time for a fine and community service.” Vaaaaare

21. The Accused Identified Himself When The Victim Was Trying To Protect Him

“I’m only in law school at the moment, but I saw this happen when I was watching a summary (non-jury) trial in my home town about 3 years ago. It was a domestic abuse case, with the partner of the accused being examined. The prosecutor asked her to identify the person who she accused of attacking her and she refused or said something along the lines of she didn’t remember.

She was clearly scared of the guy, but it seemed like she was trying to protect him on the stand for whatever reason.

Well, that was ruined after the second time she tried to protect him and refuse to identify, as the accused shouted out ‘Im right here you stupid ****.'” jazaraz1

20. They Had To Bring The K-9 To Testify In Court

“My wife is a court clerk. She told me a story a court clerk friend of hers told her. DA has a shaky case at best against a defendant. Police was trying to pin a drug charge on a guy with literally zero evidence.

The report read that a certain amount of ***** were found and recovered in the defendant’s car, but the evidence was ‘lost.’ The guy maintains his innocence and has no priors. The defense attorney is destroying the officers on the stand for inconsistencies between their accounts and poor documentation on the official police report. The prosecution’s ace in the hole was a part of the police report that read something to the effect that the police K-9 said there were ***** in the car. Rather than saying something like the police K-9 alerted the officers to the presence of *****, it left the defense attorney no choice but to call the police K-9 to the stand to confirm its testimony.

DA drops the case.” *********
19. The Father Pretended Like He Committed The Crime To Save his Son

“Man was charged with murdering his neighbor. They made their opening statements, there was even a ****** note. It wasn’t terribly long but they clearly put a lot of effort into their strategies and were ready for battle.

The first witness was called, it was the son of the man on trial. I forget the first question but it didn’t matter, he immediately broke down crying and invoked his 5th amendment right. Everyone freaks out. Judge and lawyers were like ***. The jury had no clue what was going on but we were quickly ushered out immediately after that.

A few minutes later it was explained to us what happened. The judge declared a mistrial. The prosecutor must have suspected that the father was taking the fall for the son who actually murdered the neighbor. Rather than risk losing, there was a mistrial while they sorted out who to actually charge and try.

A succinct explanation of the 5th amendment: ‘The 5th amendment to the US Constitution provides that you cannot be forced to provide testimony that could be used to prosecute you for a crime.’” calsosta

18. He Was Vaping In Court

“Sitting in court, doing some plea paperwork with a defense attorney for a go home plea agreement (where person is released from custody and doesn’t have to do jail time)/ We hear this ‘Ksssssssstt- shhooooo’ to our left and we look to see his guy sitting in the galley all by himself, sitting in the cloud of the biggest vape hit I have ever seen, then has the audacity to tell the judge it ‘went off in his hand.’

Do not pass go, do not go free that day.” scoriox

17. She Got Caught In Her Own Web Of Lies 

“This was a case involving a car accident.

Pretty cut and dry, you’d think. It starts how I’d expect it to start: Plaintiff(P) is suing Defendant(D) because she says he hit her car by supposedly running through a stop sign. D says she hit his car and that she was the one who ran through the stop sign.

P brings her very young baby because she has no childcare, which is understandable. Her sister, who was supposed to be there to take the baby, shows up late and is promptly kicked out of the courtroom for wearing a leopard print mini-dress, so there’s a crying baby on P’s lap the entire time.

Off to a great start already.

P starts off by recounting what happened and then how she had an awful shoulder injury and had to go to chiropractors to get it fixed. Her own lawyer stops her and says, ‘Wait, didn’t you say in the deposition that you had a back injury, not a shoulder injury?’ The plaintiff looks at her and just kind of shrugs and says, ‘I forgot which one it is.’ Her own lawyer has to read her back her own words so she can remember what kind of injury she supposedly needed thousands of dollars of medical care for.

This should be the oh *** moment, but it just got worse from there. P’s entire testimony is just her lawyer giving her leading questions trying to get her to say something consistent, which she never does because she can’t keep a lie straight for more than a sentence. D’s lawyer barely tries to question P because he thinks he’s got it all in the bag.

When it’s D’s turn to take the stand, he immediately admits that he ran the stop sign, but clearly P’s at fault because she should have seen him. I feel most sorry for the lawyers.” KassandraComplex

16. The Accused Just Wanted To Help In Court…

“The main witness for the prosecution was on the stand and was asked if she could identify the defendant.

She was scanning the courtroom and seemed confused-my friend was already silently celebrating because if she couldn’t identify him, he could probably get all charges dropped.

As he was mentally adding this case to the ‘win’ file, he happened to glance over at his client, who had just helpfully raised his hand to make it easier for her to identify him.

Even the judge facepalmed on that one.” Jeffbx

15. He Got Off The Hook, But Not Without A Lecture

“Was getting an expungement (the sealing of a criminal record) for a guy who had really turned his life around. This was gonna help him get a job as a coach at a small university.

I’m in a very conservative jurisdiction. Client openly and voluntarily-without even the slightest prompting-admits to doing *****. Expungement was granted but there was a long lecture that made it seem like it was not going to be granted.” vaderscrycleaner
14. She Was Very Close To Getting Kicked Out Of The Country

“Corporate lawyer but took on a pro bono immigration matter helping a victim of domestic abuse get her immigration status sorted out. She had been in the country for 20 years, originally legally, but not anymore. It took us multiple months to get a hearing scheduled. We’ve spent hours in US Customs and Immigration Services’ offices by this point.

Her situation is somewhat precarious and we need to resolve this.

She told me a few weeks before the hearing that she needed to reschedule because she was going to be out of the country. She said her daughter was going through a high-risk pregnancy and would be giving birth during that time, and my client was the only caregiver/available family for her daughter. That’s fine-we put together a letter, get a note from the daughter’s doctor about the medical necessity, etc. USCIS gives us a hard time about it, but ultimately, the hearing is rescheduled.

My client and her (other) daughter come to the rescheduled hearing.

The client gets asked about recent trips out of the country. ‘Well, I went on vacation to my home country last month.’

Instant cringe. She’s in the US illegally, and it’s unclear whether or not she should have been traveling on the passport she was.

I jumped in and tried to clean it up for her, and thankfully this USCIS official was more interested in moving us through the system than getting hung up on past issues. However, she was within an inch of this all collapsing around her/getting kicked out of the country.” frnoss

13. He Admitted To Bringing A Knife Into The Courtroom

“I was representing my client during sentencing for some petty burglary.

The judge asked him if he had anything to say before he imposed sentence. My client started ‘Your honor I just want to apologize.’ I’m thinking he’s going to apologize for the burglary like they always do, but he continued: ‘This morning I tried to bring a knife into the courtroom.’ And it was ****** out on record before I could stop him. There was no way for me to strike it from the record and my client is a ****** idiot.” Trust_Me_Im_a_Panda
12. His Brace Was On Upside Down

“An attorney in my firm just had a trial with a good one.

Our client blew a stop sign and t-boned Plaintiff. Among other things, Plaintiff had a hairline cervical fracture. He was prescribed a C-collar which he supposedly wore for 3-4 months, including to his daughter’s wedding.

At trial Plaintiff’s attorney had the Plaintiff put on his cervical collar to show the jury. He had it on while his attorney did the direct. Unfortunately, the Plaintiff and his attorney didn’t realize he put it on upside down. There is a part that is supposed to go down on your chest for stability. Well, it was on upside down so it was sticking up in front of his mouth.

His attorney asked him about that being annoying and in the way of his eating. He gets done with his examination and the first thing the attorney from my firm asks is, ‘Can you please explain to the jury why you put the cervical collar on upside down?’ Plaintiff denied it was on upside down and two jurors blurted out, ‘Uhhh, yea you did!’ (Jury is not supposed to comment or ask questions). Needless to say, the jury did not like his testimony and he was awarded nothing.” InvertedBear

11. He Admitted To Not Paying Rent

“My first-ever civil trial, I was representing the plaintiff who wanted to evict the defendant from her property for non-payment of rent.

After presenting my case, the judge asked the defendant to present his evidence. The defendant replied, ‘huh.’ The Judge said, ‘Now is your turn to present your case.’ The defendant said, ‘I don’t understand.’ The judge leans over the bench and asks, ‘Why are you here?’ The defendant said, ‘Oh yeah… yeah, right.’
The defendant then went on a thirty minute tangent about all sorts of things like how he only parks his car so he can see where he is going when he pulls out because that was taught when he was in the military. I could have objected but the more he talked, the more the judge disliked him.

After thirty minutes the judge finally asked, ‘About the rent…?’ The defendant says, ‘Oh yeah. I’m not trying to debate that I didn’t pay it.’ That’s how I won my first civil trial.” [deleted]
10. The Teacher Should Have Known Better

“We were going to the Court of Appeals near our law school, and right before we left, the English teacher (who I’m sure was just there to make sure no one in the group of 30+ teenagers wasn’t vaping in the back row) said to bring a pencil and pad of paper to the trials because, and I quote, ‘They’re just so interesting, you know?’ Fast forward to sitting in on a murder trial and there are signs everywhere saying that writing anything down was expressly prohibited.

Then, the officer in the courtroom chewed someone not in our group out for writing stuff down (even though the stuff that person wrote wasn’t related to the case) and then we all just turned our heads and stared at the teacher who told us to do just that, and the look on his face as he slowly slid the pencil and paper into his jacket pocket (so as to avoid getting caught) will be something I will never forget” Macdoooodles
9. He Said He Didn’t Use The Backyard

“In an adverse possession case the witness only needed to say ‘I used that area as my backyard,’ and I fully expected him to say this.

It would harm my case, but I knew I could get around it. When asked about his use of the area, he said, ‘No, I never really went back there, didn’t use it at all.’ Lost the case for the other side, and I could barely keep a straight face. It was completely opposite of what the witness had told opposing counsel off the record; apparently the ‘under penalty of perjury’ made him change his story.” _VIVIV_
8. A Forgetful Admittance About Ashes

“A famous high profile case in my community had an incredible moment.

A high profile guy’s house was raided, and they found a few shreds of evidence in the ashtray and other scraps in the toilet.

In court, he was asked if he ever burned the evidence, he said no. When asked if he ever flushed evidence, this older man without the best memory of 2 minutes ago responded ‘No, if I wanted to get rid of the evidence, I would burn it in my ashtray.'” joeyinc

7. He Didn’t Know What He Was Talking About And Lost The Case

“I was cross-examining a guy who was arguing the car in question was really super important to him and that he, in fact, owned it instead of his knucklehead brother who was seen dealing ***** out of it. He was waxing and waning about how he worked on it, drove it all the time, it was his baby, etc.

‘So you say the car means a lot to you.’

‘Yes. I love it.’

‘And you drive it often? Still?’

‘Absolutely.’

pregnant pause

‘So where is the vehicle now?’

‘. . . uh, uhm, could you ask that again?’

‘Where is the vehicle right now?’

‘It’s uh . . . stored. Stored somewhere.’

‘Where?’

‘In . . . storage.’

‘Hm. You don’t know where the vehicle is right now, do you?’

He did not win the case.” AncientMarinade

6. He Heard The Man Was Guilty

“Mine actually happened while I was sitting in the jury pool during vior dire. The case was a double homicide, and the jury pool filled the entire courtroom. If you’re not familiar with vior dire it is when the lawyers ask the potential jurors questions to determine who they want to sit on the jury and who they want to exclude.

It is a long and boring process for almost everyone involved, but 9/10 it’s the most important stage in a case.

So the lawyers are asking us questions and if that question applied to you, you raised your hand and they handed you a microphone to answer the question.

The question asked was ‘Do you or anyone you know have prior knowledge of this case?’

So this older gentleman raised his hand, is handed the mic, and proceeds to say, ‘Yeah I work at the police station as a janitor, and I heard two detectives talking about him (points to the defendant) and they were saying he was about as guilty as sin.’ We all kind of stared open-mouthed at this guy, and I started chuckling because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing!!

Naturally, the defense attorney asked to approach the bench followed quickly by the state prosecutor.

After some quick and energetic whispering, the judge addressed the man.

‘Do you realize what you just did? You potentially poisoned this entire jury pool. I will be calling your boss and you will be hearing about this. You can count on that. You are dismissed sir, but this isn’t over.”

The man was escorted out and then the judge addressed the remaining jury pool which was still in a mostly packed room. ‘Now I want you all to disregard what that man just said. I’m sure if any of you were ever accused of a crime like this you would want a fair trial, and not be condemned based on the words of one old man.’

I have been in court many times since, but never have I seen that level of downright jaw-dropping absurdity again.” ColdStare

5. The Lawyer Got Sued Right After The Trial…

“I was prosecuting a contempt action in family court (something that basically never works) and everyone in the room could tell I was winning.

The other side was unprepared (out of arrogance) and I was basically ripping this guy to shreds on cross-examination (which his lawyer didn’t even think would happen because he expected the case to be dismissed.)

At the end of the trial, the judge ruled for me and stated that she found the defendant’s testimony to be untrustworthy. I was shocked at winning a contempt trial, to begin with, but then this exchange happened:

Defendant’s attorney: ‘Your honor, now that you have found my client’s testimony to be untrustworthy, I am requesting a continuance in order to prepare further witnesses.’ (This concept is shocking in an of itself, because to even think you can bring more witnesses after you rest your case is laughable)

Judge: ‘You had your shot and you missed, counsel.’

Defendant’s attorney: ‘Your honor, there was no way I could have anticipated that you’d find my client’s testimony untrustworthy and as such, I didn’t have the opportunity to prepare other witnesses in support of his position.’

Judge: ‘That may be an argument for your carrier, counsel, but it holds no water with me.

See you this afternoon for sentencing.’

For those who didn’t pick up on it, the judge basically told the lawyer ON THE RECORD IN FRONT OF HIS CLIENT that she expects him to get sued for malpractice because he ******ed up so royally.

That *** was mindblowing on multiple levels.” Thedurtysanchez

4. They Didn’t State The Obvious And Lost An Easy Case

“Many years ago I was a puppy lawyer working in the Public Defender’s office. We were in juvenile court defending a kid who had been busted by the cops in the very act of doing about $30k in vandalism damage to a public school.

No doubt at all that he did it, and he was charged with varied and sundry crimes which all required proof that the damaged public school building was ‘property of another.’ You can see where I’m going with this. Everybody knows that a kid doesn’t own the school, right? It’s plain as can be, isn’t it? It went down like this:

Prosecutor: ‘The state rests.’

Defense: ‘We move to dismiss on the ground that the statutes defining the charged offenses all require proof that the damaged building was the property of another and there has been no evidence introduced to that effect.’

Judge: ‘You’re right.

Case dismissed.’

Prosecutor: [Turning slightly pale as it sinks in.] ‘But, but, but…’

Judge: [Visibly angry that this ****** kid is going to walk.] ‘No, I can not and will not allow you to reopen your case. There has been no surprise evidence or trickery here-they haven’t done anything but sit there all morning. No, I cannot take judicial notice to supply a needed element that’s missing from your proof. We are done here. Case dismissed.’

The prosecutor ****** near broke the lectern when he slammed his notebook shut before stomping out of the courtroom.” Gasonfires

3. His Height Said Otherwise

“Opposing party (tenant) accused my client (landlord) of putting cameras on the roof of the driveway to spy on the tenant’s family. Tenant specifically said she saw my client putting up the cameras.

Except the roof is pretty high and my client is 5’0″. Got the opposing party to admit she lied under oath. The judge wasn’t too happy and scolded her.

The tenant who is about 5’5″ said she (tenant) stepped on a chair on her tiptoes to remove the cameras. If that was the case, it was simply physically impossible for my client to mount any cameras according to the tenant’s testimony.

On cross-examination, tenant testified that the landlord did not use a ladder or chair to mount the cameras. And then later also testified that she removed the cameras when I asked if she brought any pictures of the cameras.

It was complete b*llsh*t so no, there were never any cameras.” c_c_c__combobreaker

2. There Is No Such Bone 

“Sat in on a personal injury case where the plaintiff broke their leg in an accident and had a doctor on the stand as an expert. The woman’s lawyer begins questioning the doctor about their experience with leg injuries (he was a well known orthopedic surgeon in the area).

She asks if he’s ever treated a tibula fracture (the leg bones are tibia and fibula) to which he only answers ‘no.’ Then she starts grilling him with questions about the tibula.

After about 6-7 questions she asks: ‘How did you get a medical license and have been able to practice medicine this long if you’ve never treated a tibula fracture?’ And begins a small rant about going after his credentials and those that gave it to him, to which he simply responds: ‘There is no bone named the tibula.’

The lawyer became beet red and everyone in the room tried their best to keep from laughing, including the judge.” bang-a-rang47

1. Clubbing In “Unbearable Pain”

“I was representing a plaintiff in a hit and run case.

Plaintiff is testifying and is, despite me preparing them for several hours the previous day, an absolutely terrible witness for her own case. Like, she couldn’t even identify the street she was crossing when she was hit by the car. (It was a major highway and we had gone through the sequence of events countless times the day before the hearing)

The oh *** moment came during cross-examination. Defense counsel pulls out a picture of my client dressed up and ready to hit the club which was posted to Facebook the day after the alleged accident. I, thinking quickly, object because the timestamp refers to when it was posted, not when it was taken.

Defense counsel shows the picture to my client and asked her when the picture was taken. Sure enough, they say it was taken the day after the accident when she was supposedly in unbearable pain.

Oh. ***.” DoctorTargaryen

And there you have them, stories of some of the most ridiculous things lawyers have heard and seen in court. Which one is your favorite?