People Inquire About Their Interesting "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner And His Kids To Stay At My Place?
“I (35F) have been with my partner (35M) for 3 years. We have a 10 mo baby boy together. He also has 2 boys (8yo and 6yo) from a previous relationship. Long story short, I was reluctant to commit to him and was very clear from the beginning that I didn’t feel comfortable starting a family with someone who has young kids.
He made all kinds of promises, love bombing, pressure to move in together, meet his kids, etc. I was very naive and in love.
But basically, the last 2 years have been a nightmare.
He gained 50/50 custody of his kids. He stopped working and relied on me to pay for everything. Spent his days smoking, drinking coffee, being on his phone, and trashing the house.
Horrible, horrible fights.
One day I broke up for good: the same day I discovered I was pregnant. He made promises again.
Living with him and his kids has been awful, especially pregnant (bedridden for PPROM, a pregnancy complication, at 4 months) and with a newborn.
We’re deep in debt, now I’m unemployed because I take care of my baby H24. Everything is messy, loud, chaotic, they destroy or trash everything.
After a big fight in January, I left with my baby and went to live with my parents.
They’re away in a different city bc my dad has cancer and is hospitalized there.
I’ve managed to find a new apartment for my son and me – can’t wait to start a new life and be myself again!
I’m starting a Ph.D. in September and found a daycare for my baby 2 days a week starting in April, so I can do a little freelance work. My dad is coming back home next week.
I’m also supposed to sign my new lease next week.
BUT my partner (he ‘seduced’ me back into the relationship but I made clear I wanted to live in separate homes & that I wouldn’t pay for anything for him anymore.
Which he has reluctantly agreed to) still lives in our old apt. The lease ends in 2 weeks. He hasn’t looked for a new home nor started packing. He’s struggling to find a new job.
His dad, who lives in a gigantic house by himself, won’t have them even for one night (because he ‘wants his quiet’). He has no one to help.
I didn’t tell him I got a new apartment.
I don’t want to, because I’m afraid that:
- He won’t even make an effort to find a job/house
- He’ll guilt trip me into having him and his kids stay over
- They’ll stay forever and I’ll be back in the cycle
I don’t want them around, the mess, the noise, the smoking, the overspending… My physical + mental health + and finances are catastrophic.
I need a fresh start and the idea of them invading my new space for even one night makes me want to scream.
But I can’t lie/hide from him forever.
When he finds out I got a new place and starts guilt-tripping me to take them in (I’m sure it will go along the lines of ‘we’re gonna be homeless’ ‘I’m gonna lose custody if I don’t have a home’ ‘We love you, why are you being so mean and selfish’ etc.), AITJ for refusing?”
Another User Comments:
“This sounds like a nightmare. I don’t understand why you’re still sticking with this dude. You said he ‘seduced’ you back, but I’m not seeing what’s seductive about an unemployed smoker who can’t at least keep the house clean and is doing little to nothing to support you or adequately parent his older kids.
If you have to lie to your partner about your housing status this is not a good sign. He’s demonstrated that he’s not going to get better. At the same time, you seem to be working hard to improve circumstances for you and your baby.
NTJ, and you’d be hard-pressed to be considered the jerk with someone as unmotivated as your partner. If not for your sake, at least for your baby’s sake please cut this guy loose.
He’s not going to do better as long as he thinks he can use you as a meal ticket. More than likely he will only get worse. Cut your losses and move on.
I’m certain you can do better.” joanclaytonesq
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do not tell him where you live. And break up with his butt once and for all. Seriously. He’s toxic and abusive and it needs to stop.
Honestly, you are not responsible for him or his kids.
Then cover you big time. First, make sure you are off that old lease asap. Because if you aren’t and he’s not keeping up with rent it could blow back on you.
Contact the landlord, and get it in writing. Also utilities for that old apartment. If any are under your name, get them off your name. Let him know that you are doing this because ‘it will be easier for him if there’s a problem cause they will only want to speak to the account holder and I might not be reachable in a pinch’.
Be clear about what day your service is ending so he can call and get started the same day. Then the kids won’t be without lights or water or whatever.
Find a lawyer asap and get a formal custody agreement with child support and visitation spelled out. Yeah yeah we know he won’t be able to pay cause he’s a deadbeat but make the request and let the court sort it.
Visitation should be no overnights, 3rd party location, court supervision perhaps even (for example he gets Sunday from 2 pm to 5 pm at the park by your parents). Straight up tell them about the smoking, the spending, etc (if he loses his other kids to their mother or grandparents over it that’s not on you).
Keep sending your mail to your parents or a PO box. Make sure the doctors, daycare, etc know that he is a persona non grata for info/pickups, etc.
Also, make sure there’s nothing hinky on your credit report like him getting credit cards in your name and putting a password on it.
If the baby already has a social security number, password it also. And triple check there’s no way he can get to your bank accounts. Move them to new banks even.
Same with your email etc.
And apply for every welfare program you can potentially qualify for, don’t let anyone shame you about it. Do what you can go, you won’t need them any longer than necessary but they are there to help you and don’t be afraid to ask for that help.” Annual-Contract-115
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Would you dump and block that fool already! The cycle is gonna continue because you want it to. You know that he’s no good and won’t change but you keep running back when you start doing good for yourself and he ends up ruining it.
You have nothing to feel bad or guilty about. Your EX is a grown man with 2 kids that HE’S supposed to take care of and it’s HIS responsibility to make sure that they have a roof over their heads.
If he refuses to do better for his own kids what makes you think he’ll do better for you?!
You really need to get your priorities in order. You are so worried and focused on him when you should be focused on YOUR child and should be doing what you need to do to make sure you are the best mother to YOUR child.
Your EX has only dragged you down. You were in debt, stressed, had a messy house, unemployed, and taking care of some grown man and his kids. But when you (temporarily) broke up, you started to get your life back on track, started your Ph.D., got your own place, were employed, etc. Come on!” Careful-Listen2277
18. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Brother And His Family?
“I have one older brother. I have 2 kids, and he has 2 with his wife. All of our kids are school-aged. His 2 and my youngest go to the same school.
My SIL doesn’t work. Hasn’t in years. She doesn’t have a license. My brother works full time.
I’m a single mom so when I have my kids, I do the whole school thing, and since my brother’s 2 attend the same school as one of mine, I’ll pick up his kids from school and bring them home.
If I don’t have to pick up my kids, my mom or dad will pick up my brother’s kids.
Recently I’ve noticed that my parents and I are doing a lot for them when my brother is off work and at home.
This happened several times before I said something about it. SIL needed to go to the grocery store, both kids were at school. She asked me if I could take her, I didn’t really want to since it was my only day off work that week but they had no food at home, so I agreed. I go over & see my brother’s car out front.
I asked her if he was home and she said ‘Yeah. It’s his day off.’
This didn’t sit well with me. I asked her if he was feeling okay.
She was confused & said, ‘Yeah. He feels fine. Why?’
I told her, ‘Well I don’t understand why you called me when he’s home, capable of taking you or going for you.’
She told me, ‘Well. Like I said it’s his day off. He doesn’t feel like doing it.’
I told her that it was not my responsibility to do things for her.
I do it to help out when my brother is at work because she has no way else to do it. That I don’t appreciate being taken advantage of when he’s right there to take care of his family himself.
After some back & forth I left.
My brother calls me & is mad. Saying ‘my kids will starve tonight and it’s your fault.’ ‘You could have just taken her because I worked hard all week and needed a day off.’ ‘I hate going to the store.’
Like just manipulative, victimizing things.
I told him that his family and their needs are no longer a priority of mine. That I did not mind helping out when it’s needed, but when he’s home, healthy & able, I am not needed. That my time is just as important as his, & from now on, they can figure out another way to get things done when he’s not able to.
I called my parents & told them what’s been happening, they have noticed it a lot lately too. But haven’t said anything to them because they are his parents and those are their grandchildren.
My parents think I’m the jerk for refusing to help them anymore with anything. Even if my brother is actually at work. Because now they will rely solely on them.
I told my parents it’s on them to set boundaries in their own life. This is now one of mine. That they can help out even more, or set limits with their own time.
I feel really taken advantage of, & there is absolutely no remorse from them. My SIL is blasting me on social media, calling me a bad person. Bad talking about me to her friends and family.
So I need to know. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Single parents have to work hard all week, and then find time to take care of their children – including going to the grocery store!
I know from my own experience of previously being a stay-at-home parent and changing to working full time that grocery shopping is a big deal when you have to do it around work.
It’s very kind of you to have been helping so much with their family when he’s not been available, especially since I’m sure that means that things that you need to take care of for yourself and/or your household are put on the back burner.
Your brother has the benefit of having another person at home to help take care of the day-to-day things. For him to expect you to take care of that responsibility, when you can also say that you work hard all week and deserve a day off to relax, takes some nerve!!
I know where I live, a lot of grocery stores have pickup options (offer groceries online and just drop by to pick them up. An employee of the store will do the shopping for you before you come and then will bring it to your car for you) and some even offer delivery options for a small fee.
I hate the time grocery shopping takes and it’s worth the small fee to not have to wait for the pickup, in my opinion.” Few_Shake533
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
There are buses and taxis/Ubers to get to the supermarket, there are also online ordering and delivery options too. Sorry but if she is a stay-at-home-mom she needs to go to the store during the day even if she only gets a couple of days’ food at a time.
She can do it herself or she can learn to drive… or shock horror get a part-time job so they can afford grocery deliveries or those meal plan deliveries!
Seriously just reply on her social media and say ‘I work hard all week and on my one day off you call me to go to the store instead of my brother who was home… I have to work hard and do everything at home and the kids and get my own groceries yet somehow his day off is more ‘precious’ than mine, I’m done you are just users and moochers, any chance of me helping out again is now officially off the table.’
Then I would block them both on social and your phone and go NC, they have zero respect for you or your life and can work it out themselves. When I can’t get a lift I have to get a bus to and from the supermarket and use a little old lazy shopper trolly to carry everything.” RavenBlueEyes84
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are setting appropriate boundaries.
Your brother and SIL are adults and need to work to solve this and become more self-sufficient and independent.
And I’m not going to lie, I’m a little concerned about your SIL and the kids because a man who can’t be bothered driving his wife to the shops for groceries is a bit of a red flag especially when she is dependent on him financially and materially.
I’ve seen that too many times in DV situations, and I hope that isn’t the case here.” Puskarella
17. AITJ For Not Giving My Sister A Ride After She Refused To Babysit?
“My sister (33F) ‘Sherrie’ and I (31F) had a great relationship. Nothing to fight about really, we are different people but get along fine.
I have 1 child (5M) ‘Jack’. My child’s father isn’t local and not in the picture.
I got a call from my child’s daycare that Jack was unwell and I gave permission for ’emergency pain relief’ (kids pain killer to bring his fever down) but he will still need to be brought home asap and they gave me the health policy speech.
I explained I was over an hour and a half away but will organize pick up asap.
I was over an hour and a half away due to new work training.
It’s a huge opportunity for me and Jack and could change our lives if this job probation works out.
I rang my go-to babysitter but she was actually unwell herself and apologized as she could have been the one that made Jack sick.
My ex MIL is elderly so can’t help and I rang my mum, she didn’t answer 3 times. I rang my sister and she said no, I explained Jack’s car seat is at the daycare if that was the problem and I’d be home in under 2.5hrs and I’ll pay her.
She then went on a rant I have never heard, ever, she started saying she is child-free by choice and she’s not my babysitter. I was taken off guard and said I have literally never asked her to babysit before and was just asking this one time to help as she’s my sister and no one can help me & this training finishes soon and I’ll be home asap.
She then said, ‘I’m not obliged to help you or babysit because I’m family.’ My b***d ran so hot and I got teary-eyed and just said ok and hung up.
I left training early and cried the entire way back.
I haven’t called or messaged Sherrie in 4 weeks (not unusual, we don’t talk every day), and yesterday she messaged me that she needs a car ride as hers just broke down.
I ignored her message because all those feelings came back to me and I wanted to cry. An hour goes by and she calls my phone and says ‘Hey Op, can you pick me up from -‘ and I just cut her off and said ‘No I’m not obliged to help you or give you a car ride just because we are family,’ and I hung up.
She called over and over and I ignored them. I read the messages she sent me and long story short she is saying I’m a jerk and I should still help her because I’m her sister and this was an emergency.
Mother had to drive to pick Sherrie up and mother hates driving. Sherrie didn’t want to call an uber because she doesn’t like them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“As a child-free person myself, you are NTJ and I guarantee most people would agree you are not the jerk here.
This was an emergency. She was in her right to refuse, and you are in your right to not help her either. But being child-free doesn’t mean being cruel and vindictive when someone you supposedly love is having an emergency and has no other options.
You did everything right, explaining she was the last option, explaining you would pay her for the 2.5hrs babysitting, etc. Your sister is not obligated to help, yes, but that really says a lot about her the way she responded. Makes me feel like she just recently found a childfree forum and is trying to make a big blowup drama post because a lot of people on there DO get hated on for being childfree, and your sister wants a slice of the pie and a sip of the drama tea.
Like when people find am I the jerk and start getting super confrontational with everyone around them, or getting on relationship advice and suddenly everything is a red flag and they quote popular arguments from the forums in a completely wrong context to the people around them.” BlobloTheShmoblo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m also child-free by choice and one thing I find very irritating is whenever these posts come up everyone is very quick to side with the childfree person that they have no obligation to watch someone else’s child.
And that’s true they don’t have an obligation but I still think that any person who flat out refuses to help a dear friend or a family member when they are in a dire or emergent situation is a jerk.
Like you’re supposed to love this person and can’t sacrifice your own personal comfort for a couple of hours to help them out in an emergency, jerk behavior!!
I have a friend who one day called me out of the blue in a panic asking me to come get her kids, I could hear the panic in her voice, so you know what I did?
I dropped everything and went and got her kids, didn’t even ask her why. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do for the people you love. Your sister is just reaping what she sowed. Besides her thing isn’t even an emergency she just needed a ride, she could get the bus, or an uber or taxi.
Anyway NTJ rant over.” Frolicking_Trex
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She isn’t the jerk for refusing to help, even though I would have. But by that logic, you aren’t the jerk for not helping her!
I often say people who expect childcare from their family are the jerk for it. But I see a few key differences here: 1. your situation was a genuine emergency, 2. For which you offered to pay her, 3.
And assured her it wouldn’t happen regularly 4. And you didn’t pester her when the No persisted even though you were hurt. So you’re NTJ for asking, and she’s NTJ for refusing because she’s right, she’s not obligated. But if she isn’t willing to be inconvenienced by your emergencies, it makes her the jerk for expecting you to be inconvenienced by hers.
And I notice that unlike you she made no offers to compensate you for your time and effort, had other options available, and pestered you about it after your no persisted. Sooooo.” No_FunFundie
16. AITJ For Being Upset With My Husband?
“My husband (23M) and I (23F) are expecting our first planned kiddo who we very much wanted and are excited for.
My pregnancy has been rough in some ways but the baby is doing great. I’m 36 weeks and 5 days. And today we went into the hospital because I thought I was leaking amniotic fluid.
I’ve been dilated and trying to keep this little guy in for a few more weeks since I was 33 weeks. So we go into the hospital today. I’m more dilated, having contractions that are strong, etc. If I was 2 days further along they would induce me at this point.
But sent us home because they can’t induce yet since I’m not ‘full term’. Needless to say, it was a very stressful day for us both.
Before they sent us home I got my cervix checked one last time and for whatever reason this last check was PAINFUL.
Like brought tears to my eyes, the pain lingered after our drive home. Just miserable. I know it sucks for my husband to see me in pain and not be able to help.
We get home and I take Tylenol and go to take a nap. My husband and mom made food and brownies and just all around took awesome care of me.
It’s just a matter of time at this point and I could go into labor any minute. So my husband drank 12 beers tonight and is pretty wasted. A little trashy considering what if I go into labor.
But I can always drive. I didn’t realize he drank so much though because normally he doesn’t/can’t drink anywhere near that. Usually 6 and he’s pretty wasted.
So when I realized how much he had I said ‘holy cow you’ve had that much. Let’s hope he stays in there for the night.’ My husband then seemed to take this as me attacking him and said I can just stop ‘laying into him about it’, got really defensive with me, and started with how hard and stressful the day was for him and how he was just decompressing, etc. I looked him in the eye and said ‘I know it was a stressful day’ (this is where I may be the jerk) and then he said he feels like he can’t do anything.
What? I wasn’t attacking him for drinking or anything.
He and I have talked about that I think he needs to be careful how much he drinks and stuff because he does have an addictive personality, but that is not at all what I was saying tonight.
And I don’t get after him often or expect him to never drink or anything of the sort. I leave him be to play video games and do whatever most of his free time.
Him saying he feels like he can never do anything has me so annoyed and hurt. I won’t be having someone who is acting like that in the delivery room with me.
Am I overreacting? AITJ for how I handled things?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s being incredibly irresponsible and inconsiderate. You could go into labor any minute and he’s getting wasted?
Yes, that is as bad as it sounds saying it out loud. He’s not being strong for you or the partner you need right now and you’re right to have strong feelings about it.
I can empathize with him but you’re the one who is pregnant and is in an objectively much more stressful position that should be prioritized for the health of you and your child.
I hope you have a support system you can reach out to if need be if he’s not willing to be one when it matters most.” User
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, you are both stressed. One comment from him should not overshadow all he did right.
On the other hand, when he is not wasted and you are not having pregnancy worries you two do need to talk about his drinking.
A person with an addictive personality having 12 beers, or even 6, so they are too wasted to drive at a point where there might legitimately be a medical emergency is a real problem.
The stress is just beginning – there will be sleepless nights (many), worries about an ill baby, teething, financial issues… if his response to today’s level of stress is to get wasted how is he going to handle the stress once the baby is born?” StockComprehensive96
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband is very immature. Sure he can be stressed but has he even thought about how YOU feel? You’re the one with the baby in you.
Not him. He’s not going through even 1% of the pain you have going on. He’s only stressed. Yet he acts like he’s the one about to give birth?
Ridiculous. 12 beers when it could happen anytime? Irresponsible.” YuukiiTomari
15. AITJ For Refusing To Take In Family Members With A Toddler On A Long-Term Basis?
“I’ve (40M) been asked to take in my nephew (23), his wife (23), and toddler as the house they were renting from another family member is going to be sold.
That was never a permanent place, they knew they would need to move out when it went on the market. They can’t afford to buy a place of their own.
My mother is insisting that since I live in a 3 bedroom house with my wife (38) and pets, and we have 2 rooms free, we should let them move in as that is what family is for.
This is not the case; one room is an office/hobby room that is used regularly as my wife is WFH. The other room is the size of a closet and is used for storage.
We are child-free so my house is not childproof and there are so many things that will need to be changed just to accommodate them. I will need to put away my figurines as we all know toddlers like to touch everything.
It’s been suggested we build an office in the back garden and give them those two rooms. Apart from all this, the time frame is till they can buy a house…?
They say 2yrs max but we feel it’s gonna be 5yrs or forever. Having a child in the house changes everything, it seems we are being asked to change our lifestyle because we don’t have kids and because we live in a 3 bedroom and I don’t want to.
So AITJ?
Update: My wife and I are on the same page with this.
I made it clear to my mother that it’s a major upheaval & adjustment to go through.
As much as we would like to help them it’s a firm no.
My mother is working on helping them to get a mortgage. In the meantime, they will need to rent.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If your nephew and his wife have been paying rent, then they can rent to an unrelated landlord. The ONLY benefit to your nephew living with you is if they can’t/won’t pay their fair share of the rent, utilities, and groceries.
If they can, and will, pay their living expenses, then they can rent elsewhere. If they are planning to mooch off you, you definitely don’t want them moving in.
In a situation like this, I would say, ‘I’m not interested in sharing my home.
But if Nephew needs help searching for rentals in the area, he can contact me and I’ll spend a few hours searching local listings for him. I’ll just need to discuss his desires for housing and budget.’
(Hint: People who don’t plan to pay market rate aren’t going to want to discuss their personal finances.)” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The fact they want to do this to save for a house sounds like it’s not you or homelessness – they can afford to rent another place.
This doesn’t sound like a case of need. (And where are their parents? There should be two sets between them. But somehow it’s an uncle that gets pressured?)
Your mom is WAY too involved/pushy here, treating you like a resource for other family members to use even when they don’t need it. It’s also dismissive of you and your wife.
You do not have two spare rooms. And it’s ridiculous to expect you to build an addition in your garden just so someone else can save some funds.
Who’s going to pay for building the addition?
And even if someone else offered to pay, it doesn’t mean you want your garden space significantly reduced.” Kettlewise
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – the ‘because family’ excuse doesn’t ever hold water, and it especially doesn’t hold water here.
Why doesn’t your mother take care of them? Why aren’t the people harassing you, harassing the family who is forcing them out of the house they’re currently in? I mean, they should be willing to wait to put their house on the market until your nephew and his wife are ready to buy because family, right?
You also simply do not have the room. Period. Which I totally get. My husband and I have a three-bedroom condo. Know how many spare bedrooms we have to offer to someone in need?
None. They’re all being used. If one of my daughters needed help escaping a bad situation, we’d make it work I guess, but it wouldn’t be comfortable for anyone involved. And that’s my daughters.
Not nieces, nephews, or other random family members.” Alert-Potato
14. AITJ For Not Paying The Contractor More Than What We Agreed On?
“So I got a quote from a contractor for $1500 to remove an old shed from my property.
I accepted the quote and said he could do the job at his convenience. He came out a week later to start the job but called me and said it was going to cost more.
I asked how much more and he said a few hundred. We agreed on $1700 and I said if he can’t do it for that just not to do the job as that was my max budget.
He does the job then texts me that the job should have cost double and that I’m a cheap idiot and an unreasonable jerk for not paying him more.
I told him I didn’t bid on the job and I also told him before he started that if he couldn’t do it for $1700 just not to do it and I would do it myself.
He said that because I’m in the trades I should understand that things don’t always go as planned. I told him that I’ve never gone back and asked for more pay after a job was done if it didn’t go well.
He called me a liar for that. AITJ here? This caught me off guard and I’ve never had an experience like this. I also paid him as soon as I got the invoice.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He bid on the job, you agreed on a price and you paid on time. You were clear it was your max budget and if he couldn’t do it for 1700, he shouldn’t do it.
He agreed and did it under those terms. If he didn’t anticipate how long the job would take or the difficulty, that’s on him. I speak from experience. My BIL gave me a price to re-do an interior space after a flood.
After he finished, he told me it would be 50% higher than what he told me originally. I paid it to keep peace with my sister, but I’ll never think of him the same way again, nor will I ever recommend him again.” NGDGUnpunished
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You shouldn’t have given him a dime more unless something changed from the original order. He’s right that sometimes unexpected costs come up – but that is when he needs a change order for you to approve or deny.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He gave you a quote, you agreed, he upped the quote, you still agreed and let him know you couldn’t pay more. You told him if it were to cost more to let you know, and he didn’t.
If it was going to cost more than that, he should have communicated that to you. It’s also super unprofessional of him to contact you after and call you cheap.
It’s not your fault he didn’t communicate properly.” TheMudbloodSlytherin
13. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Ask His Dad To Shower?
“At the beginning of December, my (27f) partner (35m) told his dad to apply for a job at the company we both work at for a milk truck driving position that was open.
When his dad had his interview he came over to our house to talk about the possibility of him staying with us until spring as his house is 2hrs from the truck garage and our house is only an hour away.
We said he could stay with us as long as he kept the guest room clean and picked up after himself.
From the very beginning, I was wary about the situation because I am super weird about my space and the way things are around my house.
Anyway it’s been about a month and his dad walked into the kitchen and I could smell his body odor even after he had left the room for 5 mins. It was BAD.
When my partner and I were driving to work I asked him if he could ask his dad to take a shower today because my living room and the guest room smelled of his BO also and I don’t want my house to smell.
My partner said he wasn’t going to ask his dad to shower because he shouldn’t have to tell a grown man to take care of himself (I guess he’s never really showered or taken care of himself for as long as my partner can remember) and told me to ask him.
I hardly know his dad so I feel extremely uncomfortable asking him myself. This started an argument and he said he was just going to kick his dad out. I want to be civil and not be a jerk and want his dad to feel welcome in our home so I told my partner I would stay with my mom until spring so he doesn’t have to kick him out but my partner is already set on kicking his dad out.
Now I feel like an extreme jerk and I don’t know what to do. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“The guy is ridiculous. It’s literally HIS job to talk to HIS Dad.
Doesn’t matter who’s grown or not. That’s a copout. He just doesn’t want to do it bc it’s uncomfortable.
Big yikes that when things get uncomfortable he expects you to do it AND he immediately jumped to the extreme of kicking his own Dad out rather than have an uncomfortable convo cuz you (rightfully) said no. That’s… kinda messed up tbh.
I’ve had to have the ‘you need to be better with hygiene’ convo a few times, with other adults when I was in management at previous jobs. It was always uncomfortable, but I still did it.
I wasn’t related to any of them, nor did I balk cuz they were grown. He can do what I did and Google how to talk about it. It’s not hard and a lot more common than I bet either of you would expect.
NTJ, OP. And please don’t talk to your partner’s Dad. It’s not your responsibility, y’all ain’t even married, and you don’t know his Dad like that as you said.” notbonusmom
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I feel sorry for both parties here. Your partner obviously feels pretty awkward about asking his dad to take a shower, and that’s understandable.
But it’s also not an unreasonable request from you.
I actually think you going to stay with your mom is the best solution. It’s a valid excuse to go away for a while (e.g. ‘I want to spend some time with my mom’), your partner’s dad doesn’t have to be embarrassed, and your partner doesn’t have to have an awkward conversation.” WebbieVanderquack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Either your partner wanted to kick his dad out and this is a flimsy excuse he can grab, or he wants to emotionally manipulate you for asking a very basic request. Try this workaround: if you know the dad’s supervisor, ask him to talk to him.
Supervisors can frame it as ‘multiple people have brought up the uncomfortable topic of you showering’ and offer delicate workarounds like ‘we have showers here if you don’t have access to hot water’ or similar.” iwantasecretgarden
12. AITJ For Calling My Mom A Psycho After She Kicked Me Out Of The House?
“I (17M) am a junior in high school and am currently taking pre-calculus. For context later on, my mom (47F) has a master’s degree in math and has a teaching degree and often helps me with homework because I sometimes struggle with math and I appreciate her for it.
On Friday towards the end of class, our teacher gave us our homework assignment and then told us that there was 1 math problem he wanted us to skip over and that he would go over it with us in class on Monday and when I got home on Friday, I did my math homework and skipped over that one problem he said to skip.
Fast forward to today, my mom asks me if I did my homework and I said I did, and then asks me to show it to her so she can see if I did it correctly.
I show her and she says I got all the problems correct but asks me why I skipped one of the problems. I explained to her what my teacher said about the problem.
She then tells me that she would like to do the problem with me and get a head start. I told her that I didn’t feel like it because I was tired (For additional context, the previous day, I had to drive my brother to and from a swim meet because my parents were busy.
The location was about an hour away from my house so I spent a good chunk of the day in the car driving so I was exhausted the next day.)
She then starts to get annoyed with me and tells me that she doesn’t appreciate how ungrateful I’m being. Again I tell her that I’m really tired and that I’ll just wait until Monday when my teacher will go over the problem.
She then proceeds to throw my paper on the ground, starts hitting the table, and yells, ‘it’s fine, just fail math, never go to college, and live alone on the streets forever!!!’ I tell her she needs to calm down and that it’s not a big deal and then she starts ranting about how I never appreciate her and that from now on, she will no longer be helping me in math.
She then tells me to ‘Get the frick out of her house’ and then pushes me out the front door and locks it but not before me telling her that she’s a psycho.
Now that I’m sitting outside thinking about it, maybe I should’ve just let her help me with that problem.
AITJ?
UPDATE: My dad arrived home later and calmed my mom down and convinced her to let me come home.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I think there is something larger going on here that would cause her to overreact like this if this is abnormal behavior in your eyes. Parents don’t tell their kids everything even once they’re adults and she could be going through something huge.
Not excusing her behavior, but there’s always an explanation. ‘You’re gonna live on the streets!’ is quite a far-off place for her mind to jump to like that.
If you can view it that way and give her room to apologize or explain herself, I think she’d appreciate hearing how you do appreciate her help (perhaps she doesn’t hear you actually express it to her), but it’s help offered, not an obligation.
She doesn’t have to. She must understand that you might not want her help after that outburst.” dwegol
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – I think you are leaving out a lot, but as I have no proof I can’t judge you’re the jerk.
The whole ‘I’m exhausted because I drove somewhere yesterday’ is ridiculous. You’re 17, not 107. If it is that exhausting to you the next day – see a doctor.
Based on that I already doubt your version of the story.
It is possible that your mom just went nuts over a math problem for some reason. If that is what really happened then of course you would be completely blameless.
It is also possible that you gave her a lot of attitude and that is what started it. Regardless, a parent shouldn’t throw out a minor child.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“Sweetheart, you’re definitely NTJ, it sounds like your mother has major issues. Are your parents divorced, or is your dad still in the picture and close? If he is, you should probably contact him and tell him about the situation.
If you can’t, I’d contact a friend, explain the situation, and see if you can stay there until she calms down.” No_Departure_654
11. AITJ For Changing Out My Daughter's Kitchen Sponges?
“My (69F) daughter (32F) and I live next door to each other.
One night a week, she goes and stays the night with her significant other, and I look in on her cat. A while ago, after washing up the cat bowls, I threw out her kitchen sponge, because I thought it was grimy, and pulled out a new one.
I did the same thing again last week, for the same reason. This week, when I went over, I saw a note in the kitchen saying, ‘please don’t throw out my kitchen sponges, thanks!’ When I saw her the next morning, I asked her about it, and she said that it was frustrating that I was doing that, because there was really nothing wrong with her sponge, she had only been using it a couple of weeks, and she had washed it a couple of times during that time.
I said that it seemed grimy to me. She got annoyed and said that she doesn’t like that she will come home sometimes to find that I’ve moved something, or cleaned something.
I told her that I’m just trying to be helpful and that I’m nice enough to look in on her cat, and I don’t want to be in an environment that I don’t think is clean enough.
She said that she is very appreciative that I look in on her cat and she tells me that all of the time, but that if I can’t just come in to take care of the cat and leave without messing with her stuff then I don’t have to come anymore.
She said that the cat will be fine overnight alone. She feeds him wet food before she leaves in the evening, he gets fed dry by an automatic feeder twice while she’s gone, and she will feed him wet when she gets home the next morning.
I don’t want the cat to be home alone for that long because I think it’s not fair, but she’s not budging with this. AITJ to have taken it upon me to do a few things here and there around the house?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Stop overstepping. You are going into someone else’s house and cleaning when it’s not necessary because it’s not up to your cleaning standards. However, this is not your house and you are not helping, you are intruding.
Your daughter has asked you many times to stop and you haven’t. The consequence is now that you are forbidden to go when she is not there. The more you push it the worse it will be for your relationship with your daughter as she will not be able to keep being nice to you over this.
You are displaying heavy controlling behavior. Your daughter’s house is not your house. The cat will be fine. You are not unhappy that the cat will be alone, but that you cannot use him as an excuse to mess with her house.” Quicksilver1964
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I don’t think OP had a bad intent and it sounds innocuous (i.e., we often hear of MILs going through DIL’s drawers and commenting/judging).
This seems more like… oh, sponge smells bad/is gross I will put a new one on. The daughter doesn’t like this… fine. I personally think it is a bit of an overreaction if it is something like ‘oh the sponge is dirty… I will change it… oh, the toilet bowl has poop stains, so I will use the toilet brush on it’… if OP feels grossed out, then she probably shouldn’t do anything with the cat from now on.
The cat will be fine. It licks its own butt to clean itself.
If OP feels so strongly about the cat, then just agree to feed it (totally unnecessary in my view) and leave.
Don’t clean a thing… not your house.
When OP says ‘I don’t want to be in an unclean environment’… honestly I get it. Her daughter may be a bit of a pig from that perspective.
If that is the case, then just leave the cat alone. Some people are remarkably okay with living in filth (which is why I am not a big cat fan… any pet that is supposed to poop in a box in the house… yuck… I have stepped out of showers as a guest into cat litter strewn across the floor.
I find that personally disgusting. Some people think that is totally okay and still say that cats are cleaner than dogs. If I lick my butt and body, would you consider me clean?
I digress….” nomoreroger
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I totally agree that your daughter’s nasty. Kitchen sponges should be nuked daily and changed once it doesn’t look clean anymore after you clean them.
That does not give you the right to decide that in her home. She very clearly stated she doesn’t want you touching her things. She has the right to have you respect that in her home.
Instead of respecting it and apologizing, you double downed and basically insulted her cleanliness.
She’s right. The cat will be fine and probably won’t even notice it’s alone. They’re very independent animals by nature, and it’s the perfect solution to your refusal to be respectful.
You’re not the jerk because you took it upon yourself to do a ‘few things around the house.’ You’re the jerk because she asked you not to mess with her belongings in her home and you refuse to respect that.” lorienne22
10. AITJ For Wanting Nothing To Do With My Dad When He's In A Bad Spot?
“Basically just grew up with my mom. My dad was really only with us about 1/5th of my life. He and my mom got divorced because he had a bunch of bad habits that she couldn’t deal with nor did she want us kids to learn these.
So dad rarely pops in and out of our life at times. Sometimes we saw him twice every year, sometimes it was longer. Things got worse after my dad’s mom died, he got worse, so contact with him was basically cut off.
Years pass again with me hearing nothing about him, until one day we get news that my dad has had a stroke. I didn’t want him to get hurt, but I also didn’t want to visit him in the hospital. My sister went and came back with some video.
He survived, but the stroke hit him pretty hard. It’s a lot harder for him to move, and he can only do simple movements. Can’t walk or speak yet, but his mind still seems to be fully there.
Here’s the thing. My dad can’t stay at the hospital for various reasons. My sister wants to take him home so we can take care of him, but I really don’t want that.
There are other options for him, but they’re rather inconvenient for my sister. I know he’s in a bad spot, but I really don’t want anything to do with the guy.
Honestly, even meeting him under ‘normal’ circumstances is something I’d try and avoid. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sure, he’s your dad, but he sounds like he was a terrible one who wasn’t there for you.
Just because you are related by b***d doesn’t mean you owe him a thing. If your sister wants to take care of him, fine. But you should be ready to either move out or stay with a friend for the time being because they will expect you to help.” DeepDarkBlues_96
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, except your dad in regards to his parenting (or lack thereof). You absolutely do not owe this man anything, it’s perfectly understandable that you wouldn’t want to care for or visit him; however, your sister is also not a jerk for wanting to care for him either.
She gets to decide how she handles their relationship just like you do.” PathologicalPothos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – oh, and No. Let the state or the hospital figure out what to do with your dad – Do NOT take responsibility for him and please talk your sister out of it.
I had a friend that was in that exact situation, dear old deadbeat dad showed up sick and disabled wanting to make amends. He moved in and then refused to leave.
Since she allowed him to move in it was impossible for her to get this filthy, life-sucking, incontinent mess out of her house. Don’t do it.” Affectionate_Ice_658
9. AITJ For Telling My In-Laws That It's Wrong To Compare People's Traumas?
“My dad had an accident while walking on a break at work on December 1st. He didn’t do anything wrong, was using the crosswalk, trying to be healthy as he has done daily since becoming a grandpa, to have ‘longevity with his grandkids’ as he told me.
The driver was at fault. My dad was a sweet, innocent victim. My dad now has a traumatic brain injury and hasn’t left the hospital since. For the first month, he was sedated and intubated. We couldn’t even communicate with him.
Now he whispers, but a lot of it is nonsensical. My dad is my best friend and I have always spent three out of seven days per week with him, even in adulthood.
I love him immensely and he is the best, most kind person I know. I have routinely posted updates on social media, and my family is aware of his condition.
I have an in-law who is a former addict that relapsed during all of this. The partner of this in-law, who is a self-proclaimed ‘motivational speaker,’ just posted on social media the following quote:
‘Sometimes you get slammed by the traffic in life. Every fear, every thought, gets to the median. This is where the peace is.’
ETA: this family member expressed they were also devastated by the accident since they are family to my dad, and say they pray for him daily.
The action I took is that I messaged this in-law and told them that this post was tone-deaf, ignorant, in poor taste, and very hurtful to my family members who could see it.
I further criticized their ability to be a ‘motivational speaker’ if they don’t know how to speak about their trauma and need to compare it to being hit by a car to make people comprehend what they were saying.
This person defended what they said, and told me the comparison was helpful to them with what they are going through as the supporting spouse of an addict, and that they were going to stand by it, despite my pain and being close to me.
The addict themselves messaged me and told me I am selfish for calling out their partner’s post, and that I need to worry about myself before calling out their partner.
I have been trained in my profession to never compare traumas, that each trauma is different, and to never tell people that ‘I understand.’ Because you can’t compare being the spouse of an addict, although very traumatic, to someone who has been intubated, sedated, and on a feeding tube.
I wouldn’t want to be in this person’s position either, and my heart breaks for them.
I feel for this person, I really do, but AITJ for trying to tell them that it was wrong to publicly compare their trauma to something very real, auto vs.
substances that harm 40k people in the U.S. every single year? Am I selfish for calling this person out on the very irrelevant comparison?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but you can’t expect people to think about each person’s traumas before they make a very general post. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this with your dad, but this post had nothing to do with you.
And it was cliche anyway. Traffic comparisons are out there everywhere because driving is an activity that is relevant to most people. You will likely continue to see more traffic references from people you know and don’t know on social media, and you have to be prepared for hearing common phrases from people that involve car/traffic references.
We should all try to be accommodating when it comes to others’ trauma, but asking someone not to make posts that have nothing to do with you is a bit unreasonable.” The_MistyXX
Another User Comments:
“A very soft YTJ.
It was just a (stupid) metaphor. There is nothing that overtly indicates that the quote had to do with substances vs cars. When I read the quote, I interpreted ‘being slammed by traffic’ as a euphemism for being in the thick of it, like when working at a restaurant people will say of it being unusually busy: ‘We were really getting slammed last night.’
As I said before, there is nothing that makes it clear that this has to do with substances vs cars. I interpreted it from the perspective of a driver. You can get a break from the flow of traffic by sitting in the median lane.
(As I said, it’s a stupid metaphor because legally speaking, sitting in the median lane with no intention of turning or merging is not correct or proper.)
I understand you are struggling, and I have the utmost empathy for what you are going through with your dad, but I think you are projecting meaning/correlation where there is none.
I’m sorry you are going through this.” Bobbinapplestoo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The other party was thoughtless in their choice of words (also? They really, really need to work on their verbal pictures.
Yes, there may be ‘peace’ in the median, but it leaves you stuck in the middle.) And you’re (understandably) very sensitive right now, particularly on some topics.
I’m so sorry for your family’s current situation and am hopeful of improvement.” TacoInWaiting
Another User Comments:
“Low-key ‘everyone sucks here’.
I am very sorry for your pain. That sounds horrible, and I send you my best wishes for the best possible outcome for your father.
Your relative might have been tone-deaf, but they might not even have realized that their analogy had any parallel to your father’s situation. People can be amazingly oblivious.
Like, people are sometimes so oblivious you wonder how they manage to breathe without a reminder.
You, on the other hand, are hyper-focused and hyper-sensitive. That’s normal, expected, and perfectly fine – there’s no legal limit on sensitivity, no matter what some oblivious idiots would have you believe, and your focus and sensitivity are proportionate to your situation.
But you might not recognize when someone else is just an oblivious idiot.
You already know what I’m about to say, so consider this merely a validation of your existing knowledge:
You cannot change anyone else. You can change how you react to them.
Instead of telling this oblivious turnip to take something down, and instead of telling the tiny rutabaga that the street-crossing is comparing your father’s situation to the addict relapsing, how about telling the retrograde radish how their words affected you?
I-statements, and all that?
So, yeah, everyone sucks here, but you get more leeway.
I’m really sorry about your father. Take good care of yourself.” MarkedHeart
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend My Old Friend's Wedding?
“I’ve known my friend, let’s call her Beth, since high school.
We were very good friends. After graduating high school she started studying and I started working. We did see each other a couple of times a year, but obviously not as often as during high school.
Beth has always struggled with depression and anxiety. She was always feeling down and had trouble making friends. I tried to support her as much as I could, however, when my own mental health went downhill, I noticed she never asked about me but just kept talking about her own anxiety.
That’s when I decided to stop seeing her as often.
Anyway, last year she met her 5 years younger partner from the US online (we’re from Europe). Last Christmas she went there to meet him in real life.
He is only 19, doesn’t work nor go to college, and also still lives with his parents. However, they got engaged pretty quickly and are planning to get married this summer.
Beth is currently back in Europe and we recently met to catch up. She talked about her wedding and out of the blue asked me to be her maid of honor.
I was a little overwhelmed and said no, I don’t have the time nor the energy to plan her wedding.
She proceeded to ask me if I would be a bridesmaid instead.
For context, I’d like to add that in my country, bridesmaids are usually little girls that sprinkle either rose petals or sometimes rice behind the bride. So this is where it clicked to me she was getting married in the US.
I asked her if she was and she said yes. But, she added, she would be paying for the plane tickets and I could stay at her partner’s house. ‘So basically it is a paid vacation’.
I told her I wouldn’t be attending her wedding at all, not even as a guest. I already planned my paid weeks off at work. If I want to get another week it will be taken off of my salary.
And honestly, I just don’t feel close enough anymore to her to be there, but I didn’t tell her that.
Beth got really upset with me, saying I was her only friend and throwing her inability to make friends at me.
I told her that now was her time to finally start learning to make friends there because I am not planning to move to the US with her. She got angry with me and left.
Anyway, my family and friends are divided on this. Some understand me and think Beth is acting ridiculous, while my mom thinks I should’ve just gone there for the wedding as it wouldn’t cost me anything except for time and a little bit of salary.
So AITJ? Should I’ve just agreed to go to her wedding, albeit as a regular guest?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I don’t see a point in forcing yourself to go if you don’t want to, that’s reason enough.
It would’ve been a different scenario if you’d been incredibly close this whole time. I’ve been depressed and had problems making friends due to my social anxiety for a long time, but I tried pushing myself outside my comfort zone when I started feeling lonely and at the end of the day, that’s my problem, not someone else’s.” mj26110
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Ok, so I get Beth has been high maintenance in the past. You distance yourself but don’t actively end the relationship.
Later you get together to catch up.
She asks you to be MoH and you decline. She accepts this answer. She then asks you to be a bridesmaid, which is less high maintenance.
You respond that you don’t even want to be a guest and that she needs to learn to make new friends?
At that moment? With that utterly insulting delivery?
Well, you got your wish, right? You got rid of Beth. You could have nipped this far more kindly and far less recently but I guess for you the ends justified the means… of doing so in the cruelest and coldest way possible.
You could have still kept your distance or gently let her down, but this is what you went with.
Of course YTJ!” Issyswe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she sounds exhausting and it doesn’t sound like a very good friendship.
It might have been blunt but what you said is a fact. She can’t hold you being ‘her only friend’ over you when she is literally moving a country away.
She will in fact either have to learn or be really lonely. You don’t owe her feelings a week of your salary and the discomfort of not knowing anyone while in a strange place.
Especially when she didn’t think she owed you emotional support when you were struggling. You don’t owe anyone more effort than they give you.” Relative_Income_7160
7. AITJ For Panicking While My Son Was Choking?
“Woke up at 2 AM to my 2-year-old crying, he usually does this and usually my wife and I let him crawl into bed with us.
I picked him up and his crying quickly turned to gag then choking, I knew he was about to throw up.
We are currently staying at my MIL’s house who is very keen on cleanliness even with kid’s stuff so I picked up my son and ran to the bathroom where he would throw up somewhere that could be cleaned. He throws up, starts hysterically crying, and I start undressing him and trying to calm him.
At this point my brother-in-law is just standing there like a zombie, my sister-in-law and mother-in-law are both coming out and my wife is yelling from the other room wondering what’s going on.
So I start to panic a little because now the whole house is up and staring at me while I’m trying to calm my son.
I yell over to my wife that I need an extra pair of clothes but she responds by asking what’s wrong, I thought I heard my BIL say ‘choking’ but at this point, I’m pretty flustered and for some reason, I just wanted to get my son calm and dressed first and foremost.
I walk back into the bedroom and my wife asks me again what was going on, I know I should’ve collected myself a little better and explained what was happening but my son still doesn’t have clothes and is crying so frustration took over and I said to my wife ‘I could use some cooperation right now.’
That sentence really annoyed her, we finally got our son calm and back to bed but she’s very upset that I ‘made her out to be a bad parent in front of her family’ and that I left her out of the situation by not immediately telling her what was going on.
Looking back I feel bad that I panicked and lost my composure but now I’m sitting here as the bad guy in my wife’s eyes and from my POV I was just trying to keep our son from throwing up all over us at 2 in the morning.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You don’t really have control over how you react in a high-stress situation, your frontal lobe shuts down and if you’re in panic mode there’s not much you can do to be tactful and aware of anyone’s feelings at the moment.
Everyone reacts differently to an emergency and I’m sure everyone was shook when they thought something was wrong with the baby but especially you. I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it and I would give some grace to your wife because I’m sure she was panicked also and you were her only source to get more information about what was happening.
Emotions are just probably really high and need time to settle down. You all care for the well-being of your child and all that matters is he is okay.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your son wasn’t choking. Your son threw up. It happens. Get used to it. There will be more puke in your future.
There was absolutely nothing to panic about, just clean up your kid and grab a clean pair of PJs for him.
And tell the family ‘nothing to worry about, he just threw up, I got it.’
Your wife was probably just confused because she assumed you’re a competent parent who’d be able to handle what basically wasn’t such a huge dramatic emergency that it required you to yell for help from the bathroom.
And of course, you could have just answered her. You know, something along the lines of ‘he puked on his PJs, could you get him a clean pair, please?’ Or ‘he threw up, could you come to help me clean him up, please?’ It’s not that hard.
No reason to snap at her.
If this is how you panic when your 2 year old throws up, how are you going to handle it when an actual emergency happens?
You really need to get this under control.” Signal-Television510
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sure your wife is a great mom, but yelling out ‘what’s going on?’ over and over was not helpful and actually, quite self-serving.
Pro tip: let your kid puke on a blanket (shirt, towel, sheet, etc). You’ll save the terror of running around trying to ‘catch’ the puke (that you don’t know when will come), save your kid’s clothes, and mitigate the commotion.
After it’s over, all you have to do is throw the blanket in the washer.
I used to do the same thing, but you run the risk of a kid-in-motion puking all along the carpet/floor, on you, on themselves, on furniture, on the dog, etc. while running to the bathroom.
Doing it the pro-way makes clean up super easy and it is less ‘traumatic’ to the kid (and dad).” HandfulOfEarth
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You panicked because a 2-year-old was going to throw up on you.
Your exaggerated and crazy response to a harmless (albeit gross and not preferable) situation only made things worse. You not only woke up all the other adults in the house but your comment about cooperation would have me seeing red too.
Have you ever heard of the tactic of remaining neutral with a child who’s hurt themselves until they start screaming b****y murder to gauge how hurt they really are?
If you don’t respond there’s a good chance they’re going to pick themselves up and go about their day. If you make a huge deal out of it they’re going to think it’s a huge deal and react accordingly.
Your wife sucks because she should have been nicer about how she inquired what was happening and her accusation that you made her look bad in front of her family.
The family sucks because once they saw the kid wasn’t dying and they couldn’t help you they should have gone to bed and left you and your wife to deal with it.” batmandi
6. WIBTJ If I Stopped Enabling My Blind Mother?
“My (29m) mother (58) is blind.
She is still capable, has a master’s degree, and practiced law for many years. She is also a huge smoker. She has smoked for many years, even though all 4 of my grandparents died either directly (lung cancer) or indirectly (health complications) from smoking.
It is painfully obvious that she will never quit.
She often asks me to drive her places. To the store, to her hair appointment, or to pick her up for lunch (which she pays for) in between school and work.
I am happy to do that. I enjoy being the child she can count on. The problem is that she always has me stop so she can buy something to smoke.
I don’t approve. I am the only one of my siblings nearby, and my dad works a lot and for many various reasons (boiling down to avoiding fights after years of trying to get her to quit) won’t do it.
When she was working there was a store in her building and she could go or have her assistant/reader go buy for her. But now she is retired and I am the only way to get it.
Often our little trips are the only times she is able to leave her condo for days. I would be taking away her agency if I stopped. WIBTJ if I refused to drive her anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“Whilst your heart is in the right place, YTJ for attempting to force her to quit. Have a conversation with her to see if she will willingly try to quit, but you have to respect her decision.
You can not force someone to quit as that does not work and just causes resentment. She is an adult, it’s ultimately her choice, she knows the health risks involved. I sympathize with you but you can’t decide for her… To quit anything, the person needs to want to do so.” DarkestFate
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If your father wants her to quit and you do too, you should stop helping her.
People act like it’s not a big deal but smoking does more damage to the body than just about anything else.
If she won’t quit, then she has to find a way to get them. If you all refuse, then at least it’s a sign that she should.
My uncle smoked for 50 years, tried quitting several times, finally succeeded with Chantix, and had to have a leg amputated.
Remind her that if she keeps smoking she might lose a limb.” TomD1979
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you can’t do that, you seem to be her only ride, and quitting cold turkey is absolutely dangerous and two she’s an adult and your parent.
You don’t get to punish her just because she’s doing something you don’t like. Personal story, my nan’s a heavy smoker and my mum hates it, she hates going to buy her smokes but she still does it because she recognizes that she’s older now and will never quit and why waste time arguing over something that’s been happening for years, she is not yours to punish at all.” tialaila
5. AITJ For Spraying My Fiancé's Ex With A Hose?
“My fiancé has two teenage children with his ex. His ex can be extremely inappropriate towards him but he claims that’s just her personality. For some context, she works in the entertainment industry and I guess is kind of flirty with everyone but it is very upsetting when I feel like I live in her shadow.
His mom adores her. His kids obviously want their mom but I totally respect that she is the kid’s mom and will always be in the picture.
The other day they went to one of their daughter’s games and out to eat and he dropped her at our house to get her car.
I asked him why her shirt was wet and he said he rolled the car window down so she’d get hit with a sprinkler. He’s a big prankster and has done similar to me but it just seemed inappropriate with her.
She rolled her eyes and told me to calm down it was just a joke and that I need to grow up and I’m prudish and dumb. They chatted for a few minutes and I took our hose and sprayed her because like she said it’s just water.
She got really mad and said some nasty things. He kind of laughed but also said I shouldn’t have done it and now I’m concerned because his daughters aren’t speaking to me and the older one cussed me out before she left for school.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your SO clearly wants this flirty relationship with his ex. He’s the one who got her T-shirt wet by the sprinklers, why didn’t you hose him down?
So your ex is the jerk for pitting his ex and you against each other and not establishing respectful boundaries with his ex when he is with you.
You are the jerk for blaming the ex for your partner’s actions.
You are in a one-sided catfight over this dude, there’s no need for it.
And the ex is the least jerk in this scenario, but she also doesn’t sound like a pleasant person, flirting with her ex who is in a relationship with someone else.” Cocoasneeze
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, your husband did it as a prank, this isn’t like a sensually-charged prank he pulled. But, what you did was pure malice and you tried to gaslight everyone by saying it was suddenly a joke after you realized it upset everyone.
The only thing you did was create a bigger divide between you and the kids. Hopefully, the kids don’t also now see the father as the bad guy too. (I say this bc he’s choosing to marry a person like you OP.
Most people are smart enough to know people get married bc they love the other person for who they are, your actions are a direct representation of who you are.
The way you treat their MOM does show a part of the person you are and how you might treat them.)
Idk if you’ve ever heard of this but: don’t talk bad about your kid’s mom or dad to your kids, they will only grow to resent and hate you.
Well, this is a really good example of that because, while you think you’re attacking her by spewing words (or water in this case) all you’re doing is swooping in and revealing the villain.
The best thing you can do now is admit you did it on purpose, apologize, and understand your husband loves you and chose you. If you’re feeling threatened by his EX, someone he clearly didn’t want to be with which is why they are EXES, then you’ve got bigger problems, my friend.” TheInevitable_Candy
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You’re going to get a lot of YTJ judgments, telling you that you sound really insecure and jealous. Even the NTJ judgments will call you out.
Some people will mention that your fiance needs to set boundaries with his ex, but more often people are going to tell you to******* up because they’re co-parenting and isn’t it so great that they can get along.
You can’t win for losing here – you will be picked apart in this thread.
I’m going with ‘everyone sucks here’ only because you sprayed her with the hose maliciously.
It wasn’t a prank, though I see the point you were trying to make. In reality, you were trying to join in their playful, intimate dynamic in an attempt to get them to realize that they are too close to each other.
Your insecurities are based on your observations and your instincts. Your husband and his ex-wife are too close for your comfort. Honestly, they sound like they act like they’re still together except they don’t sleep with each other (hopefully).
They have not differentiated enough, otherwise, your husband would be prioritizing your emotional needs above that of his ex-wife.
Your fiance needs to put some distance between him and his ex.
Healthy co-parenting does not require them to be carpooling to their kid’s games together and going out to dinner as a family while excluding you. There’s just so much intimacy in what you’ve described in their flirty, pranking relationship, that I’m not sure there’s really room for you.
Time for some couples counseling, and individual counseling for you. This may be the best jerkish thing you’ve ever done if it helps you discover whether there’s really a good foundation for marriage with this man.
Next time, though, use your words.” puppyfarts99
4. AITJ For Telling My Family I Shouldn't Have To Pay For My Phone?
“I (18F) have had a phone for a while that doesn’t work very well and is constantly crashing and dropping calls. The company has continually given me refurbished versions of the same phone and refused to let me trade it in for a different one and they’ve all been the same way.
I’m on my third phone and I’ve given up.
Recently my family was going to buy my little sister (16F) a new phone as hers is broken by her own misuse, and I chimed in that I would like a new phone too, but they told me they could only get one for a good deal and they offered it to my sister first. My sister later did not receive the phone after an unrelated temper tantrum, and my parents got the phone for themselves and told me that when my sister behaves better, I could have a new phone.
Flash forward a few months, and my sister saved up her paycheck to get an iPhone 13 Pro Max. I’m happy for her. She came to my room and told me that if she buys the iPhone 13 Pro Max, she gets a deal on the regular iPhone 13 in which she can get one for $100, and offered it to me for $300, the extra $200 would go to her phone.
I told her I wasn’t interested in partially paying for her phone, especially considering my sister is a complete jerk to me and I plan on disowning her for things I can’t get into here.
She told me I didn’t have to get the phone and that the $300 deal was my mother’s idea. Rightfully I asked my mother why on earth she thought that was a good idea and she said it seemed like a good idea if I wanted a new phone that badly.
Problem: I’m disabled physically and mentally and cannot get a job. If I pawned off some of my belongings I could maybe get $100 together, but $300 is well out of my reach and my mother apparently didn’t realize I didn’t have the funds despite me being very transparent about my finances.
I told her I shouldn’t have to pay $300 for a $100 phone, and my mother said I didn’t have to get a new phone and to stick with my broken one since the phone was only $100 since my sister was getting a new one.
I think it’s nonsense that I should have to pay partially for my sister’s phone when she bought a new fancy expensive one of her own volition.
AITJ for telling my family I’m not paying extra for a phone?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You seem to be under the impression that you are owed a new phone. You are not. Your sister offered you a good deal – the keyword being ‘offered’.
You were under no obligation to take the deal. You could simply say ‘thanks for the deal, but I can’t afford it.'” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
No one is forcing you to do anything. Your sister made a proposition, you can turn it down if you think it’s unfair. You can keep the phone you have.” Shaggymaggie
Another User Comments:
“My daughter got a great phone on a buy-one-get-one-free deal. She gave the free one to me since I am too poor to buy a great phone myself.
I paid her half the value of her phone in monthly installments so we both got the benefit of the deal. That is what you are being offered. The phone is not a $100 phone, it’s an expensive phone that is being discounted.
YTJ for your attitude about it.” Loose-Dirt-Brick
3. WIBTJ If I Exclude My Stepchildren From My Will?
“My husband and I have been married for 21 years, it’s the second marriage for us both. He has 2 children from the previous marriage and I have 3. He totally stepped up for my kids and has essentially been their father as my ex is a waste of space in the dad department.
He’s a great dad to his own kids too, but he’s not as involved as they live several states away. Recently we’ve been talking about our wills and what we want to leave our children.
It’s my opinion that the house we live in should be sold and split three ways for my children as it’s the house they grew up in. I have lived in this house for 35 years, 13 of which were before I met my husband.
My husband is upset that I don’t think his kids should get a split from the house. My reasoning is that as my kids grew up here and have all the memories of this house, his kids have been here maybe 5 times total and have expressed their dislike of our state and have wanted nothing to do with it.
When we see them, we go to them, it’s just always been that way. I really don’t know, so I ask you, would I be the jerk if I excluded my stepchildren from any proceeds from the sale of the house?”
Another User Comments:
“You WNBTJ because you never ‘owe’ anyone an inheritance.
That being said, I’d like to bring up a couple of points.
Giving your kids a share from the sale of your house has nothing to do with memories.
It’s about money. Period. If one of your kids really wanted to live in the house and raise their family there, that may be different. But that’s not at all the situation here.
After you’re gone, it’s just a thing to be sold and funds to be pocketed just like any other asset. Presuming your husband sold a house to marry you and/or contributed to the house expenses over those decades, it seems odd that you think his kids should be left out.
The other thing I want to bring up is if your husband wants his children to receive any of his other assets and if yes, how will that happen? Statistically speaking, women outlive men.
I’m presuming your husband will leave you his assets when he passes and vice versa. And then what? Do your kids get everything or will you rewrite your will so that his kids get what he originally wanted them to have?
And if you die first and leave your assets to hubby, will he then write out his own kids when it comes to the house or will he do what he wants?
Or will you guys pass assets to kids upon the first death rather than to each other?
A good estate attorney can make use of trusts. This could allow each of you to use the others’ assets until the second passing and then the trusts are dissolved and assets distributed according to the original plan.
Some kids would be totally fine with things not being split equally and for others, it will start WWIII and cause a lot of hurt feelings. You’ll be gone so won’t have to deal with it, but it’s going to be very real for the kids.
They will likely interpret how you split the assets as your final measure of their importance and your love.
As I said at the top, NO ONE is EVER owed an inheritance so you can do whatever you want here including leaving 10k to each kid and donating the rest to charity.
There are no rights or wrongs because it is YOUR money and YOUR will. I’ve always been of the philosophy that no one should expect an inheritance and anything received is a very nice surprise gift. But in reality, there’s nothing like passing away in a (blended) family to stir up all the awful stuff.
Sorry, I realize I wasn’t really helpful, but I affirm that you are NTJ and neither is your husband. You just have to work together as a team to resolve.
The kids can be grateful for whatever they get when you both die or they can put your face on a dartboard and curse you for all eternity. Their choice.
Either way, you’re still gone. (But personally, I’m with your hubby on the house).” throwaway20698059
Another User Comments:
“‘Would I be the jerk if I excluded my stepchildren from any proceeds from the sale of the house?’
Yes. Yes, you would. Why should their sentimental attachment have anything to do with it when they’re all selling it anyway? Why should your stepkids lose out again, after they’re already getting less from their own father because he stepped up to raise another man’s kids as well?
You want your kids to have all of your money and more than 50% of his? Unacceptable. It’s no wonder your stepkids have disdain for the house when it’s clear you picked the wrong man to father your children, so you stole theirs.
If you don’t split this evenly then your kids don’t deserve a penny of your husband’s estate. That’s probably the only thing you care about – your kids’ entitlement to your stepkids’ inheritance – not your poor husband who has been taken for a ride for years.
Do right by him. Or I hope he leaves your kids nothing. YTJ.” HiddenDestiny251
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – inheritance is not owed to anyone, and as my estate planning attorney told me, what do you care if someone is upset as you are gone…
It’s not clear if you have accounted for all the scenarios or worked with an estate planning attorney or how the house is titled… Your description above describes dying at the same time.
if the house is titled jointly with rights of survivorship, then you have no say if you die first, your husband automatically gets the house to decide as he sees fit.
If he dies first, you get the house to decide as you see fit.
If the house is in your name and you die first, do you want your husband to stay in the house until he passes?
Or sell the house immediately and your husband has to live somewhere else to live and then distribute the amount. Or do any of your children want the house?
It’s not clear whether you know what your children’s feelings are on the matter.
It is also apparent that you paid for most of the house. Do any of your children want to move back? Do you want to leave this for them to decide, to sell or not?
In general, your kids should inherit your assets and stuff, and his kids should inherit his assets and stuff. That doesn’t allow for any assets or stuff to pass to you or him if one of you should predecease the other.
I would strongly suggest that you meet with an estate lawyer because you have conflicting interests between you and your husband. I would also suggest that when you pass, your kids get whatever you want them to ultimately have to ensure they inherit it, and the same for your husband.
If you let it go to him or it goes to you, there is no provision for the bio kids of the first parent to inherit what that parent wanted them to have.” Buttercup303
2. AITJ From Banning My Fiancé's Mom Unless She Gives Me A Public Apology?
“I have a lot of issues with my fiancé’s mom.
She is very young to have a son getting married and I think that’s part of the issue. We are still in the same stage in life kind of and she gets competitive or insecure because I did things more traditionally and am getting married and having kids in the traditional order and getting married younger.
I’ll call her Ava for this post. She’s been pretty awful to me but thankfully she is getting married around the same time as us and gives zero care about our engagement or wedding.
The other day we saw Ava at a family member’s house and I was going through pictures on my phone showing his cousin some stuff and the cousin saw a picture of Ava and loudly demanded to know why I had pictures of her in a bikini and called me weird.
I totally forgot that was there but honestly Ava talked a lot of trash about how I was proposed to and my friends and I were having a laugh at her social media pics about getting engaged.
Ava heard and asked why and called me creepy. I was honest that we were making fun of her proposal and it was nothing creepy but she demanded to see it and snatched the phone out of my hand.
I saw red and I told her she’d just committed a crime and she had one second to put the phone back in my hand and apologize. Instead, she ran behind a table and was taunting me.
Her fiancé said something nasty about my body and I lost it and said she could give me the phone or I’d call 911 because she was literally committing a crime.
She took a picture angled down kind of hot and gave the phone back and said there for your collection and I just lost my mind crying. My fiancé said she was uninvited from the wedding, but she didn’t seem to care as we left with me crying.
I texted her this morning that she doesn’t respect boundaries so she isn’t welcome in our home until she apologizes in front of everyone who witnessed that.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Nothing worse than someone who likes to dish it out but wants to call the cops when it’s not an emergency & cries when it’s done back to them?
You aren’t mature enough to even be in a relationship, let alone get married. You can’t even figure out when it’s appropriate to call 911. You started this whole mess. Then you buckle down and tell her you were making fun of her (in a bikini) & you think you are the victim because she wanted to check the photos you had???
If you had pics of my mom in a bikini on your phone, you’re losing more than your phone. But I would also be curious what else you have on there & how you got them.
Grow up & step out of this relationship before you ruin any chance this mother/daughter has. You aren’t supposed to be the enemy & you aren’t supposed to keep score.
You are supposed to come together & move forward.” kelly08howell
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – it’s incredible that they are letting toddlers get married now because that is how mature you both are acting.
You both sound insufferable. Calling her a thief and threatening to call the police because she grabbed your phone? You also taunted her and tried to embarrass her by saying you had bikini pics of her to make fun of with your friends.
Also chasing each other around a table and screaming at each other at a family gathering is so childish. I would be concerned if my DIL had bikini photos of me saved on her phone too.” Honorable_Lemom
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Seriously? ‘It’s not creepy, I just saved this photo so that I could ridicule and mock you with strangers. Why are you being weird about it?’
It’s incredibly immature that you did this in the first place, but if you HAD to mock her engagement, why save the photos? Either show your friends her social media directly or delete the screenshot right after you send it, FOR EXACTLY THIS REASON.
And since they did find the photos on your phone, why admit to mocking her?
‘Hey why do you have bikini pics of Ava, that’s so creepy?’
‘What are you talking about?
That’s her ENGAGEMENT ANNOUNCEMENT. She’s going to be my MIL, I saw it on social media and was texting with my Fiancé about it. He asked me to send him the post.’ (Or sent it to one of your friends or something if you don’t want to drag Fiancé into it.)
It wouldn’t have been hard for you to deflect and just say that you saved it because you were happy for her. They might have kept calling you creepy and weird, but an engagement announcement is a big enough event that you can justify saving the photos.
Just an FYI, threatening to call 911 because someone ‘stole your phone’ in this situation would be more likely to end with you being charged for misuse of emergency services and filing a false police report.
Her actions weren’t even close enough to be considered theft or assault or anything else. She made no attempt to keep your phone or claim ownership of it, she didn’t even leave the room.
You sound like a toddler throwing a tantrum when you start yelling about the police. If anything YOU owe HER an apology.” RevolutionaryAct1834
1. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Niece's Contact Lens?
“My sister came to me and asked for $700 for my niece last year to have contact lenses for a year. They had financial difficulties and my niece really wanted them but they couldn’t afford them.
I’m not rich but I haven’t visited them in years due to living in another country so I’ve missed a few Christmases so I agreed. It would cover her optometrist visit and contacts for a year.
I sent her the funds via e-transfer expecting her to do all the leg work to get the contacts.
Fast forward a few weeks I asked if she likes them (the contacts).
She confirmed she does and doesn’t elaborate. Finally, with travel restrictions lifting I went to visit my family and friends. My sister lives in another city than everyone else and it was a last-minute trip so I didn’t really warn her because I wasn’t sure I can visit her.
I couldn’t get ahold of her so I called her husband who confirmed they were home. One of my friends canceled so I rented a car and drove to the next state.
She greeted me but didn’t want me to go inside. I was so confused but luckily her husband saw me too and welcomed me in. I met the kids, and their new dog and saw my niece still had glasses on and asked if she gave up on the contacts because they were scratchy and drying.
She looked at me like I had 3 heads and said she never got contacts.
My sister was looking very uncomfortable and I was so confused saying I sent some funds so she could get contacts.
Her husband looked at her and me for a minute before asking the kids to go up to their room. Turns out my sister used the funds to bring home a dog she wanted. She told her husband she found the dog and it was probably a runaway with no collar and chip but in reality, she paid for it.
I was upset I got duped into giving her funds for a dog they shouldn’t have had according to her husband because they were having trouble covering the vet bills but knowing she also paid for the dog with my money caused them to get into a fight in front of me.
I walked out and was angry but finished my trip.
My sister called me a month ago to ask me for more funds to pay for my niece’s contacts for real this time but I’m out of goodwill and told her to save up for it and she started crying saying her husband is blaming her for wasting the funds and she wanted to make it right by buying the contacts now.
I told her to pick up some waitressing shifts to cover the cost (she was a waitress now a stay-at-home mom) and she yelled at me for being the jerk for not being willing to pay for the contacts.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is an entitled jerk. Tell her you already paid for the contacts. She wasted the funds being a selfish jerk by spending it on something she wanted instead.
Now her husband is mad so she wants to make it right by… asking you to pay for them AGAIN?! What is wrong with her? She needs to grow up and take responsibility for her own s******p and pay for her mistake herself.
Also, don’t give her money ever again. If you want to get something for your niece, go through her father or offer to reimburse when you see an actual bill.” TA122278
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I do feel bad for your niece, who now knows that her mother put her own selfish desires ahead of her actual needs. Is there anything of value to you that your sister can do/share/commit to (with husband’s knowledge) that would be worth paying for your niece’s contacts now, or is a consideration for paying for them upfront but making a reasonable deal with the husband/sister to pay you back in pieces, so you technically only ‘pay’ for the contacts once over?
To be clear, there is zero obligation here and you are certainly not the jerk, I’m just wondering if there may be some way for your niece to get the gift you actually sent her while not having to pay twice.
I am really glad your BIL is there to help support the kids. (And if you DO figure something out, pay the eye doctor directly!)” holyflurkingsnit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, of course…
But I’m actually concerned for your sister. She has to get permission to get a dog, has to hide the fact that she got funds to pay for a dog… It seems like she had to claim she found the dog free because otherwise, she’d be questioned on where she got the funds from.
She has to lie and keep this hidden, has to try to avoid you meeting the family lest all of this comes out (and presumably, she’ll get in trouble)…
She’s still the jerk in this situation, yes… But all of this also suggests she’s a victim of financial abuse – Unless she’s had a history of financial irresponsibility that’s making her under scrutiny for the smallest things… this feels like an environment where she’s being kept under control through financial dependence.
If you care for your sister, find out what’s happening there. You’re still NTJ, but your sister might be a victim.” hamishjoy
She can't lie to him about her living situation forever, and she shouldn't.