People Have High Standards In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Telling A Coworker Off For Calling Me "Little Mouse"?
“I (F24) have worked in a medium-sized, family-run hotel for about 4 years now, and previously got promoted to being the team manager of the front office, or the so-called front office manager.
Before my promotion, we got a new coworker (F, approximately 50), a breakfast waiter. Let’s just say she is a little odd. I’m kinda thinking she is just trying to fit in, but it’s weirding us all out. She tells us stuff about people we don’t know and don’t care about.
She comments on stuff she has no clue about and is just a little bit weird.
Today I saw her in the reception hall, sitting on a sofa and reading a newspaper. I said to her that I don’t mind her sitting down, but that she should do so in our break room and not in a place designated for guests, and that it is a bad image when guests see that the workers are just lounging around in plain display.
She got up without saying a thing and walked into the back office, sitting down next to me. She just sat there and observed me working. After 2 minutes, I said that if she is done with her work, she should clock out. To that she said, “Fine, little mouse.” I then turned around and said the following: “Listen, I might be half your age, but I’m still a section lead and want to be respected as such.
Also, I’ve known you for about a month, so you don’t have any right to call me any nicknames or pet names.”
She then clocked out and left without saying anything. I feel kinda bad for playing the manager card. I know that she is probably just trying to fit in the team, but this is just too far for my taste.
I now kinda feel like the jerk. Am I?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had a new hire call me ‘Bucko’ while I was training her, and I shut that crap down immediately. I have a name, use that. Pet names are not for coworkers.
Putting aside any concerns about professionalism (which are valid), you just don’t know each other well enough to use pet names.” NotTwitchy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ with slight jerk leanings. I get it… You don’t like her. I am not one for nicknames/cutesy endearments from strangers either, but this could have been approached with a slightly gentler touch.
You could have kindly but firmly said ‘I am not a person who enjoys nicknames. Please refer to me as OP,’ and gauge her reaction from there. Pulling the manager and age card without ever addressing your preferences more neutrally first is an escalation.” UWillFearMyLaserFace
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your relative ages don’t matter. You’re her boss, and while you can absolutely be friends with your boss and still be professional, it doesn’t sound like that’s the case for the two of you. Calling anyone a pet name like that at work is completely inappropriate and unprofessional. You’re at work; professionalism is both expected and required.” [deleted]
21. AITJ For Keeping Our Inheritance And Not Paying For My MIL's Care?
“My (36f) husband’s (41m) grandparents just passed. We know the estate is divided 1/3 between his mother, his sibling, and us.
His sibling is demanding we give up our inheritance to his mother because they will be doing the same. The relationship with his mother between all of us is complicated. She has a very specific disability, and she is a difficult woman at best. I refuse to have her back in my home.
She lived with us for a short time, and we almost divorced over her antics.
SIL and BIL will be managing her money, and when she passes, they receive any remaining estate (according to her will). If we choose to keep our inheritance, they want us to pay for her upkeep in a facility they choose.
We can not afford that, and the inheritance would actually be beneficial for us. We have a disabled child who is having surgery in a month. Our current home needs remodeling to be accessible for her, or we need to buy a different home for it to be accessible.
So WIBTJ if we refuse to give up our third and not cover his mother’s care?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. If the grandparents wanted her to have more, they would have given her more. They wanted you to have it. It was their wish. If the sibling and the mom have a problem with it, they should have been better to the grandparents.
Not your problem; you don’t have to give up anything. Don’t pay any upkeep. Block them. Block the mom; be done with her.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If his grandparents wanted it to go entirely to MIL, then that’s what they’d have done. Also, BIL/SIL have a vested interest in you giving the money to MIL as they stand to inherit in the future.
I don’t know where you’re located in the world, but I expect you can’t be forced to pay for someone else’s care without your consent. They will have to sell your MIL’s assets to pay for the care she needs. Your current family setup needs to come first; also, you’re honoring his grandparents’ wishes by accepting it.
‘No’ is a complete sentence, and allow your husband to deal with this while backing him up.” wildfellsprings
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m going to assume that the grandparents had a pretty fair idea of what MIL’s specific disability was and still opted to split the inheritance three ways.
Clearly, they did not want her to have all of the money. It is the sibling’s choice to give their share of the inheritance to MIL, and the sibling has absolutely no say in what you and your husband opt to do with your share.
Furthermore, your primary obligation and your husband‘s primary application is to your own child, not to his parent. And if your sibling-in-law doesn’t like it, that’s their problem. And also, your sibling-in-law can tell you to pay for whatever nursing home your mother-in-law ends up in; that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to do it.
And, given everything that’s happening, I wouldn’t give them a dime.” TeeKaye28
20. AITJ For Setting Boundaries With My Demanding Elderly Neighbor?
“My neighbor is in her 70s and a widow who is obese, disabled on a walker, recently diagnosed with cancer (I don’t know how far advanced), but can drive and goes out and bathes herself. She constantly calls me for favors I know she can do on her own and interrupts my study time.
My partner gets mad she calls so much to do basic tasks she should be capable of, such as serving her ice cream, buying cat food, vacuuming, catching the mail person, and making her coffee.
It doesn’t bother me, but if she can drive, she should be able to do these things and I think she is just being lazy because she knows I’ll do it.
When I offer to send my partner, I can tell she’s kind of annoyed because he can’t speak English, and she says no.
For context, I am a 27-year-old studying nursing and working full-time. I know I will do these kinds of things in the future and I’m happy to do basic tasks if she’s bedridden, but she’s not.
She also says sometimes hurtful things, but overall she’s a cool lady.
Before it was once every 3-4 days, now it’s a few times a day, and she has not worsened since then at all.”
Another User Comments:
“She is a lonely old lady who has come to rely on you and enjoys your companionship.
The best thing you can do is establish boundaries you’re comfortable with. Like ‘I am busy studying for school and can’t always drop everything to come whenever you call. I will pop by and check on you at 5:30 every day’ (you decide). If you need more than that, I have written down a few home health care numbers for you and you can set something up with them.” NTJ for setting boundaries you are comfortable with.” HandmaidforRoeVWade
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a problem for many people in the caring professions. A polite, graceful way to change this is to begin gently saying ‘No.’ No, sorry, I am studying. No, I can’t, I’m working. No, I’m busy. No, I can’t drop what I’m doing.
You don’t need to say why, even—just ‘No, sorry.’ If her request is something you are willing to do, you still should set boundaries around it. You need to show her that you don’t jump whenever she calls. You can say something like, ‘No, I can’t do that now, but I’ll help you at 5 o’clock for an hour.’ That tells her you are willing to help, but you won’t let her control your time.
If you want to, you can tell her that you are willing to be available on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 5 PM for an hour, or whatever schedule works for you. That way you can still give the help you want to give, but it has to be on your terms. She will probably not take this well at first. She may try to guilt you into giving in.
She may get angry. She may try to argue (‘What, you’re studying now? When will you be finished? You can’t study all night’). Your job is to keep saying ‘No.'” ImportantAlbatross
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re a good person. She’s taking advantage, but it’s obvious it’s not malicious.
If I were you, I’d sit down with her and tell her that as much as you enjoy seeing her and helping out, your work or school schedule means you can’t keep doing it and give her a firm end date (i.e., ‘Edith, I won’t be able to help you after the end of this week’).
Offer (if you want) to help her find services or whatever to get her the help she needs, but stick to your guns because there will be a lot of ‘just this once’ requests for help coming your way.” Cultural-Ambition449
19. AITJ For Not Giving My Partner All The Pizza Pieces Even Though She Was Hungry?
“My (M16) partner (F17) was hungry, and while we had things to eat in my house, she wanted to eat pizza, but she also had no money. So I told her we could buy a 10-piece pizza and eat 5 each. We then decided that she should eat something at home since 5 pieces wouldn’t do anything and wouldn’t make her not hungry.
She then started saying that I should have given her all the pieces if we ordered because I wasn’t hungry and she was. And I told her that I was paying for the pizza and that I did want to eat pizza; I was just not hungry.
She told me that if something like that happened, and I was the hungry one, she would have bought a pizza for me and let me eat all the pieces and that it’s egotistical to not do that.
Also, I’d like to add that she almost never shares her food with me.
She is really upset with me over this, and I’ve started thinking that maybe I’m the jerk. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, that’s insane. 5 pieces aren’t enough? I’m full after like, two. The idea of her being mad that you won’t let her eat an entire pizza you paid for is insane.
If someone is going to be fat, fine, I don’t care but don’t expect me to fund your outrageous eating habits.” captaincumragx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your money and she’s acting like an entitled jerk. I’ll admit when I ran x-country I could put away a full box of Lucky Charms cereal or a whole medium pizza by myself in one sitting and not be overly full.
If I was still hungry after that, and there was no more ‘pizza’ I’d find/go out and buy something else, and not try to bully another into giving me their food. That’s just rude and manipulative what she did.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… But who needs to eat 10 pieces of pizza themselves? Your partner sounds immature and entitled and doesn’t understand half of what she’s trying to talk about. She already sounds well on her way to being a gaslighting manipulator. Who goes over to someone’s house, demands food, gets food, and decides that they shouldn’t have to share?
She sounds like a brat.” AirAggravating8714
18. AITJ For Telling My Dad I’m Done With His Broken Promises?
“I’m 17 (F) as of today. It’s my first birthday since my mom passed, so it’s just been me and my dad for the last few months.
My dad was always the sole provider, and my mom would manage the finances for him since he’s horrible with money. Every year, I’d receive a gift with my dad’s name on it, but my family always told me it was my mom who did that since my dad was horrible at shopping.
My dad’s job is also never guaranteed; he’s a contractor, so he might have a job one week and not be needed the next. But my mom always had emergency funds for when that happened. I understand my dad is struggling with my mom’s death, but ever since, he’s been making empty promises and draining his unemployed funds for things we don’t even need.
For Christmas, he promised me something and never gave it. He often promises we’ll watch a movie or go to see my grandparents (mom’s parents), but when I start pestering him, there’s always an excuse as to why he can’t. He started asking me what I wanted for my birthday in February, and my answer has been the same all year, a Nintendo gift card.
He promised one.
As you can imagine, one was not received, and his excuse this time was that he forgot it was my birthday. And he’ll make it up at Christmas. I doubt he will, so I said I don’t believe that because he’s been making empty promises all year long and that I’m done with them at this stage, that he can go away and don’t even bother.
I know it’s such a silly thing to be annoyed over, but it’s been consistently breaking things he said he promised to do.
My aunt called around the evening, and she asked me why I spoke to my dad the way I did, because he’s trying his best and I’m making him feel like a bad father.
I told my aunt it’s because he’s been acting like one. She told me I’m acting like a jerk and said he’s not used to being in charge. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am so sorry. You deserve better than this, and honestly ‘I forgot it was your birthday’ isn’t an excuse, it’s another problem.
It sucks for everyone, but your dad’s the adult and I’m sorry that he’s not stepping up. The idea that he forgot now so he has to wait until Christmas to make up for it makes no sense to me. Tomorrow exists, as do a whole bunch of other days that are closer to your birthday than Christmas is.” AdelleDeWitt
Another User Comments:
“I’m so sorry for your loss. No jerks here. Your bigger issue is that you lost a solid parent who made things happen for you and was left with a parent who doesn’t function well. So you kind of feel like you have no parent at all.
You’re trying to express your disappointment/grief/frustration/sadness. Your dad, however, is broken. I can’t explain to you the way in which he is broken. He definitely needs grief counseling and probably you do too. You’ll have to work together as a team to keep moving forward in a functional way.
Your aunt needs to see that and help him get the help he needs.” ElectronicAmphibian7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m assuming, at the minimum, your dad is 30+ which is old enough to put reminders in your phone, or budget finances, and prioritize needs (bills and groceries over broken promises).
You may have to start looking toward your future as a path you have to carve out yourself – job or further education; where you want to live; means of transportation, etc. Sounds like your dad was your mom’s other child as far as emotional intelligence and responsibility, and if you stay in this situation you might become his next ‘parent.’ I’m sorry for your loss.
And I’m sorry you’re being forced to grow up and accept changes and responsibilities on so many levels, all at once. This is your sink-or-swim chapter. You got this. Setting boundaries with people (even your dad) and expectations of respect/consideration are healthy. Your dad is grieving too, though, which may explain the selfish/absent behavior, so be patient with him and show respect, but don’t allow him to sideline you without pointing it out to him.
We’re all accountable for our actions and choices. Peace and healing to you. Take time to journal (good memories of Mom, bad memories, the way you feel and the thoughts that need extra sorting, etc). Take time to sit with your emotions. You got this.” Ir0npunk
17. AITJ For Kicking My Sister Out Of My Apartment?
“I’ve (26f) been living in my apartment for 2 years now. I moved in shortly before my daughter was born. My sister (25f) moved into my apartment after she separated from her husband a year ago.
She’s not on my lease as it was only supposed to be temporary.
She moved in with the conditions that 1) she needs to get a job and 2) she needs to clean the apartment until she gets that job. She doesn’t clean as often as we initially agreed upon, nor does she clean well.
She was doing well for a while looking for a job; now she’s severely lacking. She hasn’t been contributing financially, either; i.e., she hasn’t paid for her own food or given me gas money to shuttle her around. She also doesn’t own a car.
She isn’t legally separated from her husband. That in itself was a toxic relationship, and neither of them was willing to do anything to fix the relationship or divorce.
My sister isn’t super friendly towards my daughter and constantly undermines my parenting. I have told her several times to stop yelling at and telling my daughter what is okay after I tell her it’s not.
I feel like I’m being taken advantage of, and she won’t sit down and have a conversation about where to go from here. I understand that if I kick her out, our relationship will be shot. She doesn’t have anywhere to go. Her husband is also homeless.
Our parents are refusing to take her in for the fourth time.
I’m not exactly proficient in being tactful, so I have no idea how to talk about this with her without either of us getting upset.
So, WIBTJ if I just kicked her out, not caring if she has anywhere to go or not?
What do I do?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Tell her she has a month and then she needs to leave. She’s jeopardizing your ability to keep living there. If she’s not on the lease, the landlord could use this as a reason to evict you.
My parents allowed 2 of my sisters to move back in with them ‘temporarily’ under similar circumstances. This was 10 years ago – they are still there. It is possible that your sister may end up on the street as a result of you kicking her out – but you have to do it anyway.
The flip side is that it is possible YOU will end up on the street if your landlord evicts you and that it is possible that your daughter ends up being permanently influenced by her aunt in a very negative way.” Extension-Guess5911
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You say your relationship will be shot if you kick her out, but it seems like that will be the case if you continue to let her stay. If she won’t sit down and have a conversation, put your expectations in writing. Tell her that she needs to start/stop doing x, y, x immediately or she needs to leave immediately.
Tell her that if she follows the rules about x, y, z then she can stay with you for 3 more months – but after that she needs to leave. All that being said, you would not be the jerk for just kicking her out immediately.
You have given her a year of free room and board and she has done f all with it. If you feel like you need to, next time she is out of the house pack up her stuff for her and have it organized and ready to go.
Schedule an appointment with a locksmith ASAP.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are so many posts here where people allow themselves to be used and abused by a family member and then feel bad about wanting their own life back. You are just enabling your sister’s bad behavior and laziness.
This isn’t helping her. It is not your job to help your sister as much as you have. She doesn’t want to help herself; that’s on her. She’s an adult. She can live with her poor decisions or buck up and be responsible for herself.
It IS your job to make your home a safe and healthy environment for your daughter, which it is not.” Maybeidontknow99
16. AITJ For Throwing Out My Son's Fair And Handsome Products?
“We live in India, where there are a bunch of weird products based on Eurocentric beauty standards, usually named Fair and Handsome or Fair and Lovely.
I don’t like these products for obvious reasons. They are scummy, they are not going to whiten your skin, and I don’t like the idea of changing your own skin color, especially for our son. My husband and I gave him this beautiful brown skin color, like most of the other Indians, so he must feel proud of it whether he likes it or not.
So anyway, as I was cleaning his room while he was away for school, I noticed that he has a bunch of these products (Fair and Handsome) inside his closet. I was so angry; we weren’t giving him allowance for this reason! I immediately threw away all these products.
He was mad when he came home; he used the excuse that it’s his own money, and I told him that it’s our house, our rules, plus it’s actually our money, and it’s our job as parents to look out for our children when they make wrong decisions.
Now he’s upset and keeps telling me that he wants me to buy him new ones. I haven’t told my husband about this yet. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Parenting isn’t doing whatever the frick you wanna do and expect your child to understand it.
My parents used to do this crap with me and it’s hideous. You should have talked to him, made him see your point about it, and educated him. What are you expecting now from him, for him to suddenly change his point of view out of the blue when you’ve violated his privacy, taken a product he used his money for, and got a huge “well, screw you, no explanations given” in return?
Communication is key to everything; there’s literally no need to throw away his stuff without talking to him beforehand. I totally understand your pov and how you don’t want your son to give in to the white good/brown bad mentality. Totally legit, I 100% support it, but what you did is definitely not the way.” Narsiel
Another User Comments:
“Overall, NTJ. I’ll preface this by saying I’m a white AFAB (born female) American, so what I say on this matter is really moot. Anyway, when I looked up these products immediately, I was alarmed by seeing a “results” picture of a man, but half was tan and the other half was clearly whitewashed. When I looked at the back, it specifically comes “no bleaching agents,” which, when I looked at the first few ingredients, is seemingly true.
What I don’t like is that this bottle looks basically like a normal face wash, with undertones of whitewashing. BOTH of these products push this agenda for both males & females (the Fair and Lovely products really pushed harder to show color transformation in women in adverts vs Fair and Handsome claiming more the guise of vitality).
THIS is why I say ultimately, you’re not the jerk. These products seem very scummy, as you so well put it. What you’re doing is trying to protect your son. Good for you. I would suggest getting him facial cleansers for his pores & skin to stay healthy (like these products claim), but with a motherly guide so he finds serious products, not scams. Nothing wrong with wanting to be clean & appear youthful; you just have to do it right.
Ultimately, I feel sorrow for your son feeling some sort of pressure somewhere (assuming society?) to appear whiter. From one mother to another, I pray to the universe he can find some comfort within himself & can move on from this internalized racism he’s feeling.
You’re going to get a lot of folks saying you’re the jerk, but they clearly think this is just face wash & don’t understand it’s literally whitener.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I’m an Indian, and I understand this immense pressure to look like society’s standard of handsome/beautiful, which in India means thin and fair, if I’m boiling it down to its basics.
Your son is 14; he is hearing these somewhere. Maybe at school, maybe after-school activities, or coaching centers—heck, even our house helps are not above saying a thing or two to the “children” of the house. He is absolutely not the jerk for wanting to look like what society is telling him to be.
I understand you want to teach him that all skin color is good, just as you should, but throwing them away would not solve anything. He is 14, and he’s just going to take it as a challenge, and next time he will learn to hide better.
Find out where these notions are coming from. You can’t protect him forever, and if you say “it’s my house! My money!” he will never be convinced. Tell him, with proof, how these things are bad for his skin and, in the long run, will harm him.
If he’s having acne or anything, or if he simply wants a skincare routine, sit down with him, research age-appropriate products, and get him the stuff for a simple skincare routine. A simple CTM routine would be good unless he has special needs. I understand your intent is good, but your actions were not.
And I know you want to do better, so please, do better.” hotelpunsylvania
15. AITJ For Making A Fuss Over My Parents Spending On My Sister's Baby Instead Of On My Dog?
“My parents are currently dog-sitting for me and my partner until we can figure out alternative accommodation after a house fire. They’ve had our puppy for about 2 months.
My younger sister announced she was pregnant a few days ago. She’s unemployed due to depression, and her husband is on minimum wage.
They can’t afford rent in our area, so they still live with my parents in their late 20s/early 30s. My parents are inexplicably ecstatic. They literally furnished an entire nursery in less than a day, and every day since have posted to the family group chat about all the new clothes, toys, and gadgets that they’ve bought.
I came down to visit this weekend, and my dad aggressively asked me to start contributing to my dog’s food costs since he’s getting bigger and eating more. I just asked how much they had spent on my sibling so far and how much they’d spent on dog food comparatively.
It escalated into a huge fight, and I’m considering leaving early. I don’t think it’s fair; I feel like I’m being punished because I’ve chosen not to have kids. I can afford the food easily, but that’s not the point.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You’re in no position to criticize your sister for receiving support from your parents while currently depending on them. And even if you were… C’mon. You know them being more excited over an impending grandchild than dog-sitting for an indefinite period is in no way ‘inexplicable.’ If the terms of that arrangement are no longer working for you, then make new arrangements.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Loving their grandkid and caring for their kid’s dog is incomparable. My pets are my whole world, but I would NEVER expect my mom to treat my dog like she does her many grandkids from my siblings. I’d be lucky if she ever agreed to watch them for an extended period, and that’s okay because, like I said, my pets only have to be my whole world, not anyone else’s.
You’re in a bad situation, but the dog is YOUR responsibility. They are already providing you with a huge favor by housing him while you’re between places – can you imagine what you’d have to pay for 2 months of boarding? Rather than be grateful, you’re pouting because they can’t buy your dog food too?
PS – Being excited for a grandkid is not an ‘inexplicable’ reaction. It’s very much expected and unsurprising.” lobosaguila
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You’re not entitled to anyone’s money, including your parents, regardless of how much money they’ve spent elsewhere on anyone of their choosing.
They’re doing you a favor by caring for your dog while you can get back onto your own feet. They’re having to walk your dog, feed your dog, give your dog basic maintenance, play with your dog, and do anything else that is involved with owning a dog.
The least you could do is provide the food. As a dog owner, I couldn’t imagine not wanting to provide for my fur baby. When I have someone else watch him, I always ensure I provide his food, treats, and toys. He is MY sole responsibility, regardless of whether he’s under my care at the moment or someone else’s (which is always my mom).
Where and how they choose to spend their money is none of your business. Take care of your dog’s basic needs or find someone else who will.” Rainbow62993
14. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Shut Up At A Family Function?
“My mom and dad had a good relationship, but my mom told my dad they should hold off on having any physical relationship for some time. My dad agreed; however, he found out that mom was unfaithful.
I, of course, sided with my dad and went to live with him. However, my mom never leaves me alone regardless of me telling her countless times. There was a family function on her side, and she forcefully took me there, where she was attending with the person she was unfaithful to my dad.
She started trash-talking my dad, saying that he didn’t have anything to do with my mom, so I got up and told her, “Shut the heck up,” in front of everyone, and that it was her fault and that dad didn’t do anything. I left, and then Mom started spamming me that I’m taking Dad’s side and that he told me to do all this, whereas my dad isn’t that type of person and he talked very little or nothing about Mom.
I think I overreacted. AITJ? Should I apologize to her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t overreact, you told the honest truth. She was unfaithful to your father and got what she had coming to her. It was awfully crappy of her to isolate you and then try to trash-talk your dad in hopes of you turning on him.
I’ve seen this crap growing up; it’s a common tactic one parent uses to hurt another. P.S. If she wants respect from you, tell her to act like a person worthy of respect.” xxcatalopexx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom shouldn’t be talking bad about your dad in front of you; it’s very hurtful and damaging.
I would recommend some family therapy for you and your mom. A little education for her on why this is harmful to you could go a long way. For your part, I understand why you did it, but I think saying something more constructive like, ‘It’s really hurtful to me when you talk about my dad, so can you please not do it in front of me or at least warn me when you’re going to do it so I can leave,’ would get the point across more effectively than cursing at your mom at a family function.” Jessicasdoor
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You shouldn’t have had a public outburst cursing at your mom. She shouldn’t have been trash-talking your father when she knows how you feel about the situation and that she was unfaithful. The issue is probably deeper and more complicated with your parents than you know, so try not to be a total jerk to her all of the time.” cari_chan
13. AITJ For Calling Out My Transphobic Cousin At My Engagement Party?
“I’m 23f and my (high school sweetheart) fiancé proposed on our anniversary. I’ve been planning my wedding.
My fiancé is trans and has been open about it.
My aunt had a little get-together to celebrate my engagement. Family was having a great time until my cousin, after a few drinks, told me that I should’ve found a “real” man to marry and that my marriage wouldn’t last. I took a breath and I went off.
I told him that the reason why he’s single is because he’s nothing but a miserable man-child who smells like rotten eggs and a few choice words. After that, my fiancé and I went home to calm down.
When I got home and got into PJs, I got texts and missed calls about how I had gone too far and that I should apologize to him since he wasn’t sober.
I told them that intoxicated minds speak sober thoughts. I went about how he should apologize to me and my fiancé; until then, I won’t be speaking to anyone.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Let your family know in no uncertain terms that transphobic nonsense (and that’s what this is) will be given no quarter in your life.
Your cousin is a sad, lonely creature who blames others for his problems. He thinks people are just too shallow to be interested in people who aren’t perfectly beautiful, rich, and ‘normal’. Then along comes your fiancé (who your jerk of a cousin doesn’t think is normal), and he’s happy and finding love and showing your cousin that, it’s him.
He’s what people don’t like. He has to put in effort to be liked; it’s not just that “women only like men like the Hemsworth brothers” — it’s him. You’re right OP. Your cousin can go eat a whole playground’s worth of stones. NTJ.” RTSchemel
Another User Comments:
“Intoxicated person says something well-meaning but unintentionally offensive? Sure, forgive him. Intoxicated person’s inhibitions are lowered and they ask a question that is perhaps too invasive or using outdated terminology? A teaching moment and apologies all around. This was liquid courage for your cousin to say the blatantly transphobic garbage he’s been thinking all along.
People can stay on the floating trash barge called Incel Island where he’s living, or they can support you and your lovely fiancé, but I would burn that bridge in between all the way to the ground and never look back. Congratulations to you, and may this ugly memory be a speck in the rear view of a long and happy marriage.” madamefloof
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Every single one of us is responsible for what we say and do, no matter whether we are upset, intoxicated, etc. Real world, we make our choices and then there are consequences. This denial and pathology of making believe that you don’t hold people responsible for various reasons is ridiculous and destructive.
I am so sorry that your fragile phobic cousin felt so threatened and is such a bully that he had a couple of drinks and then he instigated destroying your entire celebration. He was out to hurt you. And you let go at your partner.
I am so proud of you for standing up to him, because it had to be you, because it’s your family. I love it when people truly love and protect the ones that they love and don’t listen to this kind of crap.
Your family? Pathology. They are protecting a phobic bully and they are in denial and they’re trying to pull you back into the loop so that you will conform and tolerate this hate behavior not only from the entire world but from inside the heart of your own family.
That is so wrong. I am so sorry. And so proud of you.” mcclgwe
12. AITJ For Not Defending My Partner During A Game On New Year's Eve?
“This NYE, I (37M) and my partner (30F) went to another couple’s house to play board games and have a few drinks. They invited someone else I’m good friends with, Philip (38M), whom I haven’t seen in a few weeks.
My partner and I had been spending the day together in a spa, running errands, and getting coffee.
Anyway, the night gets underway and we’re starting our board game. Nobody else but my partner played before, so she explained the rules. The board game was Ticket To Ride and decently complicated to explain, especially to a few intoxicated adults.
The mood was rowdy and a bit childish, but as expected. I could see she was getting frustrated and annoyed with us, so during a smoke break I said to Philip to turn it down a notch and for us both to be more thoughtful of the situation.
Although that did help somewhat, they both kept arguing and spoiling the mood, enough for everybody else to tell them to stop bickering. After that, the mood was pretty terrible, but I feel it did recover somewhat. I concentrated on learning the game and paying attention to not rile Philip up more.
Philip took it easier too, and settled in a bit.
My partner was annoyed at people taking too long on their turns, rolled her eyes when we were asking for rule clarifications or looking stuff up ourselves, and, to be honest, was terrible at explaining the game in general.
When everybody goes outside to celebrate the New Year, I get into a huge argument with my partner about how we’re ganging up on her, how I’m not defending her, and have been ignoring her all evening (by not sitting next to her). It gets pretty heated, but I tell her it’s not my responsibility how people react to her behavior, and I’m not here to police her or Philip.
She says she does not enjoy our humor and doesn’t get the constant shooting jokes back and forth where we make fun of each other. I tell her to lighten up. It’s a group situation, and we all adapt to it and find a balance.
Easier said than done, I guess. She accuses me of not sticking up for her, and of only joking around with Philip and paying more attention to him than her.
We finish the game in what I can only describe as silence, and everybody goes home.
She went home instead of to my place as planned, and I’m pretty upset that New Year’s was soured by this, and feel there’s no reason for it to have gone this way.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone who has played Ticket To Ride for 10+ years, it is hard.
As the game progresses and trains are laid, people are going to screw one another up because the board space and good spots run out. This was not a great idea to play with sober and intoxicated people together for what I have just stated. What makes me mad is you never rush anyone during their turns because it is their turn, and your partner broke this rule.
Overall, you did the right thing by not intervening and everyone else just got the train rolling.” splbm
Another User Comments:
“INFO. I’m curious who chose Ticket To Ride and why? Was your partner the one who brought the game and intended to take on the role of game instructor and leader, or was she thrown into that role by default because she was the only one who had played it before?
Had everyone agreed ahead of time that they wanted to play it? Were there other choices of games available, and once folks realized how complicated it was, was there a discussion of pivoting to a simpler game? Because depending on those details I can see several different scenarios playing out here.
Games need to be matched to the vibe and interest level of all participants—there was clearly a mismatch here. Determining whoever is most at fault depends on how this game night started.” fizzbangwhiz
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. From your description, you could tell she was unhappy and did some things to intervene, but also didn’t seem to take any of the load off directly by supporting her or helping explain the rules (even if she’s the one who played before, you could be backing her up in the moment by shushing folks who are being rude, grabbing a copy of the rules, being the one who repeats things when someone wasn’t paying attention, etc).
But she also didn’t take what sounds like a hint that this crowd isn’t really that into precision and focus and playing the game, and is more into just hanging out and drinking with a game present. Overall, it sounds like a mismatch of expectation—you say the other adults being intoxicated and rowdy was “as expected”, but that she got annoyed—how confident are you that she knew to expect that and was looking forward to it, versus finding it all very disrespectful and disruptive?
Does she usually like gaming with these friends, or is it something she’s doing “for you”?” sun_dazzled
11. AITJ For Prioritizing My Health And Sleep Over Early Morning Family Demands?
“I haven’t been sleeping well lately and had a family member tell me the night before that they’d be up early and probably loudly trying to clean the house last minute before the holiday.
I had intended to get up with them and work on my own last-minute stuff, work on double-checking and wrapping holiday stuff, and then throw something together in the crockpot for dinner later.
However, I got maybe 3 hours of sleep between my wife’s alarm for work, other family’s sleep schedule, and various animals needing to go out.
Which wouldn’t normally be a problem! Except that:
1. I have seizures and exhaustion is a big trigger.
2. This isn’t the first time this week I’ve been lucky to get a handful of hours of sleep.
3. I’ve literally been having seizures again lately and my family is at a loss as to why (meds are being taken on time, no new diet or antibiotics/meds, etc).
So, I tried to get a small nap before I went to start the day.
I knew people were probably going to vacuum and overall be loud any minute, so I put in some earplugs and called it a day. Besides, there wasn’t anything I needed to be up to help people with and previously if I didn’t get up/start the day everyone just teased me about ‘sleeping in’ and we went about our day.
Except I woke up to someone pounding on the door screaming my name and only stopped when I screamed back (I tried to answer them like a normal human but I guess they didn’t hear me?) I was awake and okay. I keep my phone on silent when I’m asleep but apparently I had a dozen missed texts in the span of 5 minutes checking if I was alive and asking if they could vacuum.
Now they’re throwing and banging things outside the (bedroom) door, screaming at all the animals, and sighing loudly (in the way that in cartoons means the character wants someone to ask them what’s wrong).
I feel like I’m in heck: I can’t go back to sleep, and even though I’m wide awake and have so much I need to do before the holiday break starts I feel like I’m trapped in the bedroom and if I leave I’m going to get screamed at (again).
Am I the jerk for handling everything the way I did?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Your family, however, is. First and foremost, get some (more) sleep! Then, tell your family the reason for your increased seizures is from sleep deprivation and list out each way they have caused you to lose sleep in the last few days/weeks.
It’s Festivus after all, may as well air all the grievances. But seriously and most importantly, please always put your health first. Seizures are no joke.” Fearless-Ad-8757
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s extremely important to be able to put your phone on silent and turn off the outside world not only for rest but also just general mental health.
So, your actions are fine. Meanwhile, it sounds like you didn’t communicate that you were no longer going to get up early, so it’s not crazy that they were wondering where you were, wondering why you weren’t up when they thought you’d be, etc., and it might have seemed from their perspective like you were just having a lazy day.
On top of that, it sounds like you have medical issues, so that’s all the more reason to check on you when you weren’t responding at a time when they expected you to respond. Yes, they were loudly banging, but it sounds like they tried the quieter ways to reach you and it wasn’t working.
It just sounds like a mix-up.” CreativeGPX
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have the right to tune out the world but considering your living arrangements it’s probably a good idea to let whoever is around know if you plan to be out of contact for a while.
You’re not doing that to ask permission and you’re not doing that for their benefit. You are doing it for YOU, so you won’t be bothered like this if they try to contact you. All my life I’ve told people I lived with things like ‘I’ll be outside for a while’ or ‘I’m going to the store’ or ‘I’m going to have my headphones on.’ That’s for no other reason than eliminating the chance anyone freaks out when I don’t immediately reply to them.
It works pretty well.” Deep-Okra1461
10. AITJ For Delaying Christmas With In-Laws To Start Our Own Traditions?
“My partner and I (both in our 30s and have been together for 10 years) mostly interact with his side of the family since my family lives out of state.
His family consists of his two sisters—one who has a partner but no kids and the other who has two young kids (a 2-year-old and a 7-month-old). His parents and his aunt are also there (9 adults).
They’re a very gifting-oriented family, and for the past few Christmases I’ve spent with them, the tradition has been for everyone to take turns opening presents.
It’s a slow process that takes hours—last year, it took four hours because my sister-in-law had her first kid. Since her toddler was too young to open presents himself, she opened them for him, pausing for photos, bickering with her husband, etc., while the rest of us just sat around waiting for our turn.
Now that she has two kids this year (a toddler and a baby), my husband and I are even more concerned about how long the process will take.
On top of that, my husband and I live two hours away, and we can’t bring our pets with us or find anyone to watch them.
This means we can only stay for about 8 hours max. Everyone else lives nearby except for my SIL without kids, but they stay over at my in-laws’ house since they can bring their pets. Every year, we’re expected to leave our house at 6 or 7 a.m. to drive over, then sit through hours of gift-opening before finally eating.
This year, my husband and I decided we’d like to have Christmas morning at our house instead. We want to exchange gifts, listen to music, and have breakfast—basically, start building our own holiday traditions as a couple. Afterward, we’d meet up with his family to exchange the family gifts.
Interestingly, my SIL (the one with kids) actually suggested doing Secret Santa this year because they can’t afford to get gifts for everyone. We agreed and mentioned how long the gift-opening process usually takes, and everyone seemed fine with that.
But now, a couple of days before Christmas, my MIL texted us saying we need to be at their house by 7 a.m. again—for presents, then breakfast, games, and dinner at 4 p.m. (basically the whole day).
I was frustrated because this means leaving at 5 a.m., and I only have Christmas Day off from work. Everyone else (except my BIL and FIL) has the whole week off.
When we pushed back and said we didn’t want to be there that early and suggested couples and kids open gifts at their own houses, she seemed clearly annoyed. She even made comments like, “The point is to spend time with family on Christmas,” as if we were trying to spend less time with them.
That’s not the case—we just don’t want all of our time to be spent watching gifts being opened for hours, when it could be spent actually interacting by playing games or eating.
At this point, we told her that we’re planning to arrive at 10 a.m. instead and to have couples and the 2 kids open gifts before we get there.
AITJ for wanting to handle Christmas this way?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I just wouldn’t go. I bet you anything they hold off opening presents until y’all arrive. If you don’t enjoy yourself and don’t want to deal with the nonsense present opening process, just stay home and enjoy your spouse and your pets.
You received an invitation, which you can decline. My in-laws can be a bit much, but even they don’t do this nonsense. MIL schedules her Christmas party. All the kids in the family open presents at the same time with their parents responsible for taking pictures while the grandparents watch them all dig in.
Then the adult children open at the same time while the in-laws watch. Then finally the in-laws open their presents. Takes maybe an hour for the whole process.” ItIsMe2125
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think people should start breaking Christmas traditions that don’t make them happy.
You should spend time with family on Christmas, yes, but you should also not be miserable on Christmas either. My family makes me legitimately want to rip my hair out, but now that I’m grown and have my own place, I’ve only been spending it with people not committed to making me miserable just so they can snap a couple of pictures.
Happy holidays to you!” Accurate-Nerve-5722
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like my in-laws. The gift opening started after an early breakfast (and often BIL and fam were 3+ hours late and we had to wait to eat). The gift opening lasted 8 solid hours. They are into quantity, not quality, so lots and lots of stuff.
Every gift is videotaped and photographed as it’s being opened. There is no food during it and they won’t accept you bringing food to eat (even when sharing). Then you eat a late, light dinner, and then they want to continue the gifts.
The day usually lasted from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. It’s exhausting and not enjoyable in the slightest. We had to set boundaries and did. Coming over later and leaving earlier. My husband only has Christmas Day off and we usually had no time to open any gifts to one another.
We eventually moved to celebrate with them to a weekend day in December. We also instituted drawing names (for adults) and setting a price limit. That definitely helped, but it still took hours. After that, we decided only gifts for the kids and a gift for the in-laws.” Entebarn
9. AITJ For Skipping My Brother’s Christmas Over His Harsh Remarks About My Wife?
“My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years now.
We hit a rough patch this summer and considered separating. I had been lying to her about finances and came clean, and initially she wanted out. During the time that we were considering divorce, my brother (who never seemed to like my wife in the first place) decided to share with me a list of reasons he was convinced my wife has narcissistic personality disorder and I am a victim of abuse.
For context, I have been a victim of narcissistic abuse before. In a previous relationship and with my mother-in-law. My wife has her struggles (as do I obviously), but she’s not a narcissist and she’s not abusive. I was very bothered that my brother would make these claims. Nobody else in the family feels this way about her.
I put them to rest and felt like we ended that conversation with a good understanding.
Fast forward 6 months, we’ve gotten marriage counseling, we’re both getting personal counseling and we’ve never been better. Our relationship is the healthiest it’s ever been and we’re the most in love we’ve ever been.
We’ve made a lot of progress and are committed to staying together. For the record, the rest of the family has continually made it clear this is the outcome they want. The holidays have been hosted at my brother’s house for the past few years.
He decided a week before Christmas to bring this backup. He told me he’s concerned for me and that my wife is a mean person who doesn’t care about people. The only examples he could give for this since our previous conversation was 1) that he overheard her complaining about an old boss (she was excitedly sharing with my mother about her new job that she liked much better, didn’t say anything nasty or mean) and 2) that I’ve changed (didn’t explain how).
I don’t want to come over for Christmas and bring her into a home where the person hosting believes she is a fundamentally bad person. This makes me sad because I do want to be with my parents and grandmother, but I also don’t feel comfortable being at my brother’s place.
I’m not saying I’ll never go to another family gathering, I just think it would be best for me and my wife to skip this one since it’s so fresh.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are all sorts of legitimate reasons for saying no to an invite, and this is definitely one of them.
You and your wife are enjoying the outcome of the hard work you’ve put into repairing your relationship. You both are working with professional therapists. If your wife was a narcissist, hopefully the therapist would catch that – you don’t need your brother to keep asserting his unprofessional opinion.
That said, you have a history of abusive relationships and your brother may feel extra protective of you. It may have skewed his initial perception of your wife. You could let him know you appreciate his concern, and that you are working with a therapist. You and your wife are getting a fresh start in your relationship.
It’s better than ever, and you hope with time he’ll come around to seeing that.” HowlPen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When I got married my mother told me never to tell her about our disagreements because it would color how she sees my spouse.
While we would make up she would still only see the person who hurt her child. Your brother is in a similar place. You and your wife have cleared the air, but your brother has not had that closure, especially since he sees it as you facing the same problem in this marriage as in past relationships.
He is more stuck in your past than you are. If it was me in this situation I would set some boundaries with my brother. Agree to go but only if he will treat your wife with courtesy and respect. At the first negative comment or action call him out in front of the whole family.
Yes, things have been rocky, but you are committed to each other and working through your issues because you value each other and your relationship. Tell him in front of everyone that it feels as though he is trying to undermine everything you are doing to build up your relationship.
He will have to defend his position or back off. Ask him in front of everyone if he is supporting or attacking your relationship with your wife. Then ask him what he will do going forward to support you and your marriage. If he does make a commitment of support thank him and change the subject to something neutral like the football game to end the drama.
Ignore any sideline comments or politely ask them to wait until you are done speaking with your brother. The other family members are not part of the debate, just witnesses to the contract you are working out with your brother so he cannot backtrack so easily later.” Tassy820
Another User Comments:
“Judgment withheld. I feel like we’re missing more to this story. What were his claims back in the summer when he first brought this up to you? Were any of them reasonable? Would a third party objectively say that there was a concern for them?
I understand that this is your truth that you are experiencing, but without knowing more about why your brother feels this way it’s hard to say. Have your parents spoken to him about this? Or stepped in and told him he’s out of line?
I’ve seen it personally with someone who was blinded to what was going on and turned against their family to only years later really realize what was happening. It seems that there is some communication breakdown somewhere along the lines.” More_Patience_5684
8. AITJ For Skipping Thanksgiving To Avoid A Belligerent Fiancé?
“I (27F) am very close with one of my cousins (30F) but I’m not a big fan of her fiancé. They’ve been together for 5 years and at family events he’s either a total grump, intoxicated, or both.
On Thanksgiving night, my family always has the Charlie Brown Christmas movie on in the background after dinner to kick off the holiday season.
The volume is almost 0 and it’s just on in the background. We don’t sit around and actively watch. 2 years ago, he complained about it being on even though it wasn’t loud and the football games had already ended when we put it on.
Last year, he showed up intoxicated (pretty much belligerent and was slurring words), and he immediately started being rude to my cousin when she tried to give him water instead of beer, and he complained about the movie so much that we changed it even though he was in the kitchen and it was playing in another room.
After an hour, I went and put Charlie Brown back on because I love watching it, and he wasn’t paying attention, so I thought he wouldn’t notice.
I moved the TV controller under a pillow so he couldn’t change it again, and when he realized it was back on, he freaked out and started yelling for someone to change it.
No one said anything, but some of my family members were looking in my direction. Then he full-on yells at the table I’m at and told me to “turn the freaking movie off!” One of my brothers got up and told them to leave, and he and my cousin left right away.
He apologized after, but my cousin acts like it didn’t happen. It was really jarring to have someone yell and curse at me.
This year, I skipped Thanksgiving because I didn’t want to deal with him, and I’m still not comfortable being around him.
My aunt and uncle were upset that I didn’t come and tried to guilt trip me. I’ve seen him and my cousin at other events this year, and we were cordial. I kinda feel like the jerk because I hid the remote, but I think I was justified in skipping Thanksgiving.
My 2 brothers have been on my side since it happened, and so have my other cousins.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. He is, though. So even though he’s the problem (complaining and belligerent and yelling), you’re somehow the problem for removing yourself from the situation?
You did nothing wrong. If anything, he should be the one who has to skip the holiday gathering. I’ve noticed that it’s always the people who stand up for themselves who are told by family that they are the problem. It’s never the actual bully’s fault.
Because nobody wants to deal with him and it’s easier to tell you to take the abuse than to give him consequences for treating other people like garbage. I’m sorry you’re going through this! Tell your aunt and uncle that if they can guarantee that the jerk won’t scream at you or make weird demands and make everyone uncomfortable, that you will come back again.
And if they’re not willing to police his behavior, then they don’t get to police yours!” Lizwings
Another User Comments:
“You should ALL BOYCOTT get-togethers when they come. All the ones who agree with you should REFUSE to gather if they show up. As a collective unit, you talk to the one organizing the party and just tell them if they invite these 2 — you won’t be attending (as a group).
You’re ALL DONE being cordial with these jerks. Collectively, you’re done. He’s done enough damage and you’re done. So SOMEONE needs to tell her that HE is no longer welcome and neither is SHE if she brings him. Or things WILL get nasty and if he gets intoxicated and ugly, police WILL be called. By you or your cousins or brothers if you all decide to show up together.” CarrotofInsanity
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The cousin is probably being emotionally abused. If she and you were close, it’s probably killing her because she doesn’t want to end her relationship but also hurt you. She probably doesn’t know how to cope rn. Regardless, you are NTJ for changing the TV again.
He doesn’t get to gatekeep the events in the house. I have family traditions, and I hate when people come in and don’t like it and try to get rid of them. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You are 10000% justified, esp if that is way off your normal family dynamic.
He freaked you out. You deserve space. I’m glad most of the family agreed with you, but the guilt trip is kinda sucky and makes me wonder if they truly supported you. Happy holidays, love. Put on that darn movie at home.” Important-Road-2339
7. AITJ For Skipping Christmas Gifts For Adults?
“I know this is going to sound crazy for most but I’m not buying Christmas gifts for the adults and this all started this year.
Here’s a little back story: Every year my partner 30m and myself 28f (we also have two small children, 5 and 1) always go out of our way to buy Christmas gifts for our family. Between his family and mine, we have about 13 adults and 4 children that include us as well.
We always go out of our way to be sure to get one gift that the person really wants and a cheaper gift, so 2 gifts per person and a bunch of small gifts for the kids.
Well, the past few years we’ve noticed we haven’t been getting the same amount of effort put back toward us.
We’ve heard family complain while opening gifts that they don’t like their gift or that it looked cheap and wondered if they could return it to get cash back in return. When it’s something they have told us numerous times they wanted.
So fast forward to last month, I told everyone I’m not buying gifts for the adults, just the children this year, and our families are completely losing it about that they aren’t getting gifts this year.
I told them, “Why should I?” Every year they complain about how terrible or cheap the gifts are and they have been skipping out on getting OUR kids gifts. That if they want something, they are more than welcome to buy it for themselves, and that I don’t want them buying me anything, just my kids, cause they are the ones that really matter.
That I plan on baking home goods for everyone—peanut butter cookies, cinnamon roll crumble cakes, etc.—of what they want, and they still aren’t happy. I told them, then you don’t have to receive anything at all. That Christmas isn’t about the adults getting stuff; it’s about the children and being able to spend time together.
So AITJ for not buying Christmas gifts?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You might consider doing a gift exchange in the future for the adults. My family draws two names each so everyone gets two gifts. We have a price limit that works for us that’s enough to get nice gifts but not break the bank.
But this year you spoke up ahead of time and I think you’re fine. You could have handled it a little nicer though. You could have just said “it’s a lot for us all to buy so many gifts for the adults and we all know that the adults don’t really need much so I’d like to focus on the kids.”” Traditional-Load8228
Another User Comments:
“I have a very small family, it consists of my husband and me, my mom and dad, and a sister. We used to buy for everyone, but no one can even think of that many things they want or need. My parents are in their 70s and don’t need more stuff.
So the last few years we just pick a name and spend a little more on 1 person. Then we do some fun little things, like lottery tickets, holiday candy, etc, and play a takeaway-type game. My husband has 3 adult kids who each have 2-4 kids.
We have been doing gifts for the kids only for that group. Otherwise, we were just exchanging money/gift cards with the adults. Focusing on just getting together, having some good food and enjoying each other’s company has made the holiday a lot more fun.” Brave-Spring2091
Another User Comments:
“Our family has never really given gifts to the adults in the family. And when the number of nieces and nephews grew, we quit buying those as well. This saved a lot of money and none of us were financially well off.
We did continue buying a gift for our parents and they bought for all of us. Eventually, it was too much for them to shop, wrap, and ship gifts to the kids/grandkids who lived out of state. Situations change and no reason to continue gift-giving out of a sense of obligation.” HeandIandyou
6. AITJ For Charging My Roommate A Fee For His Tech Incompetence?
“My roommate is 31M, and we are generally good friends. We went to college together and love to watch TV shows together and play card games together in our spare time. I’m 27F, and I am pretty good with technology; nothing crazy but comfortable enough to do some pretty neat stuff with it.
My partner, 33M, is also pretty sharp with computers, arguably more than me in many cases, and has a job in IT. We love to play video games together because of this, and recently when he came over with his laptop, we logged into one of my favorite nostalgic MMORPGs (massively multiplayer online role-playing game).
My roommate wants to be included in our video game fun but is also terrible with technology to an inexcusable level. And to make matters worse, despite knowing how to Google things or use trial and error, every time he runs into something challenging with technology, he’ll just say he doesn’t know what to do and sit there waiting for someone to fix it for him.
It drives me nuts. In the past, I’ve felt like his nanny, constantly running into his room to help do the most basic stuff as if he’s a baby or something. I’ve tried telling him to just follow a tutorial or Google it, but even then he’ll whine that he doesn’t get it.
I’ve gotten fed up because no matter how many times I show him how to do something, the minute he comes across it again, he again just sits there and waits for someone else to fix it.
Somehow that person always ends up being me, and I’ve started to get harsher in telling him he can either Google it or log off because I’m not helping.
I am so tired of this. He doesn’t even try to figure things out on his own. Whenever I’ve talked to him about how frustrating this is, he tells me he never had a computer growing up and simply never got good at using them.
But I think that’s ridiculous, as I didn’t have a lot of things growing up that I know how to use now.
I finally told him recently he has 3 options when my partner and I are playing video games. 1. Don’t join. 2. Join and Google stuff and stop being a chore for others to deal with because he’s too lazy to figure it out on his own.
3. Pay $10 per occupancy of incompetence and asking for help until he gets tired of wasting money and figures it out himself.
Maybe I’m AITJ for this, but it seems that as long as he thinks he can just rely on others to do things for him, he’ll never just learn to do it himself, and I think this is a good way to make this behavior worth my time.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I think you’re in the right here. It’s frustrating to constantly help someone who doesn’t make an effort to learn or solve problems on their own. You’ve tried being patient and explaining, but at some point, it’s okay to set boundaries.
Charging him a small fee might be a wake-up call that he needs to put in some effort instead of relying on others. It’s about encouraging him to be more independent, and if he values your help, he might start trying harder.” Expensive_Island_518
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he wants to play, he should take the time to learn just like you did. Here’s a real example for you. When my daughter was 12, I taught her how to do her own laundry. I showed her how to use the washer and dryer.
I found and shared the perfect tutorial on YouTube. When she didn’t feel like doing her laundry, she would say she didn’t know how, and I would remind her to watch the 3-minute video. She has been doing her own laundry for 11 years now.
This grown man can learn about this hobby or get a new one.” Ok-Try-857
Another User Comments:
“To play a little bit of devil’s advocate here. Info: What kind of problems is he having? Has he tried Googling in the past and not understood what he was reading?
When you explain, are you explaining at his level? I ask because, admittedly, I’m bad with computers, but I do basically just brute force my way through the problem, so I rarely need outside help. Mostly, when I search things up, I don’t know what to look up, or I don’t understand what they’re saying.
NTJ, though, unless I hear anything new.” JeffreyDamer
5. AITJ For Telling My Suitemate To Buy Her Own Pads?
“I’m a college student and live in a dorm on campus with 5 other girls/AFAB people. I’ve noticed lately someone in my suite has been using my pads without asking me every period.
I know they are mine, and that I’m not the one using them because 1) they opened a new pack, which I did not do; and 2) in the past with an already opened pack, I counted what I had left and noticed it went down.
I also see the little orange wrappers in the trash bag when I know I haven’t been on my period, and the trash is taken out regularly, so it’s newly used.
The thing is… I feel like I’d be a jerk if I got mad about this because women can’t control periods obviously, and if they can’t afford them… I wouldn’t want them to go without.
However, they never asked me, and I’m the one paying for them and have to buy them more frequently now, and I think it’s rude to use someone’s stuff without asking.
If they used one time for an emergency or something without asking, I’d get that, but they’re just straight up not getting their own pads as they use multiple of mine for their whole period.
Pads are expensive, and I’m not made of money, and I don’t want to have to take them out of the bathroom and inconvenience myself with having to remember to bring one every time I’m on my period either. I just want to be able to keep them in there without them being stolen.
We also just had a suite meeting where we said people’s personal stuff in the bathroom is their personal stuff and not for everyone, since my other suitemate also had her shampoo used by someone else once and felt uncomfortable with that, so it’s known stuff in there isn’t meant for sharing besides the cleaning products and toilet paper.
WIBTJ if I confronted them though and asked them to get their own pads? It feels mean to be upset about it since it’s like you can’t control a period, and if you can’t afford it, I’d rather you take mine, but without asking feels rude.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, period products are expensive. Maybe move them to your room or a space where they can’t find them and only bring them to the bathroom with you when you need to change yours. I’ve dealt with this before, and the confrontation didn’t end well (I got hit with ‘you’re not a real feminist if you don’t share your products’ and ‘girls help girls out,’ but nobody ever offered to replace the used products or pitch in $…).
I hope all the best for you, OP.” augustbluemoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You shouldn’t be expected to provide them for someone else, especially if you can’t afford it. I know you all don’t share bathroom stuff, but for period products maybe you can suggest that you have community products for the whole suite.
Everyone can pitch in a certain amount each month, and you can pool the money together to get products for everyone to share. You can even put them in a cute little container or special place to make it a fun idea. That way you aren’t stuck paying for the whole thing.
If your suitemates don’t like that idea, I’d take your personal products and move them out of the bathroom to a place that only you can access.” Deep-Manner-4111
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m in this current situation right now, but it’s more than just pads.
It’s anything you leave out (wet wipes, makeup wipes, etc.). I seriously don’t mind community supplies if everyone takes turns restocking them, but they don’t always participate in the honor system. Sadly, you need to keep your pads in your room and bring one at a time to the bathroom.
She’ll have to go buy her own. If she runs out and has an emergency, she can ask for one like we’ve all had to do. Even then, I’d be less available because while most of us would take the hint, she probably won’t. Tell her to check with the campus clinic if she’s having trouble affording them.
They may be able to help.” OkHistory3944
4. AITJ For Canceling A Trip After Learning My Sister's Partner Was Going?
“My mom and sister have been planning a trip for a while, and they’ve been begging me to go, saying they’d have more fun with me there and would feel safer having me along. I’ve said no multiple times because I really didn’t want to go, but when my sister asked one last time, I finally agreed and bought my ticket.
Right after that, she mentioned that her partner is also going and that she’s planning to extend her trip a few more days without me and my mom. The whole reason I agreed to go was to watch over them and enjoy a family trip together.
If I had known her partner was going, I wouldn’t have agreed. Now I feel like she played me, and I’m really annoyed. Would I be the jerk if I canceled?”
Another User Comments:
“It’s fine if you cancel. I have no idea if you were played — although, if the partner was invited from early on, the suggestion that you would make mom and sis safer does seem a bit dishonest and manipulative.
(And now sis and partner can go off on their own whenever because you can keep mom company.) But bottom line, you thought you were invited on an all-family trip with the three of you but it turns out it’s something else that you didn’t know about when you agreed to go.
Feel free to drop out. NTJ.” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She didn’t want Mom to be a third wheel. She wanted to sneak off with the partner but felt guilty at the thought of being alone. Cancel. If there’s an airline ticket involved, contact the airline.
It may not be refundable but that doesn’t mean you can’t change it. It used to be that you had up to a year to use a ticket you canceled. You’d have to pay the difference between the old and new ticket plus a change fee.
Work with the airline. When you call be super nice. Agents are yelled at a lot.” Squibit314
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That said, I strongly disagree with everyone telling you that you should say you thought the trip was ‘just family.’ A lot of people consider their partners to be family and, if you phrase it that way and your sister is one of those people, you’re going to inadvertently make it about rejecting and wanting to exclude her partner.
Which will become a conflict. To be clear, I fully get that it’s no longer a family trip, that this changes the nature of the trip. I just think becoming embroiled in whether or not the partner is family or whether you want to travel with him will become sticky in ways that aren’t helpful.
Instead, just say, ‘I was hesitant to go for a host of reasons but understood you wanted me there for safety. Now that I know your partner is going and you’ll have someone trusted for safety I’m less concerned about my need to be there.'” [deleted]
3. AITJ For Calling Out My MIL For Favoring My Son With Extra Gifts Over My Daughters?
“My MIL constantly shows favoritism for our son.
He is our oldest. We have two other daughters. She’s always had the strangest relationship with him (she has two other grandsons), but she always says stuff like “I just feel so close to him,” “He is just the sweetest, I feel a special connection to him.” We moved away from her when he was about 2.5 years old, and we added our 2 daughters into our family afterward.
Therefore, she didn’t get to really be around them as much as she was with my son. We have visited them, and she has visited, so she has gotten to form some kind of relationship with them. But still, she shows a lot of favoritism to my son.
This really bothers me because I grew up in a similar situation where my brother was the favorite when it came to my mom’s family showing their favoritism for him.
Today, my MIL sent us a screenshot of what she sent the kids for Christmas.
She got each of my daughters two gifts and my son 4 and then sent a message saying she might buy him more gifts because she feels like she didn’t get him enough. Now, I greatly appreciate her even getting them anything, but I’m bothered by, again, her clearly showing favoritism here.
So, would I be a jerk for saying something?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re 100% NTJ. When my daughter was pregnant with my grandson, she was living at home and the father wasn’t in the picture, so I took her to all of her doctor appointments and was in the room when my grandson was born.
I even got to do skin-to-skin with him in the hospital, and then they lived with me for the first 10 months of his life and I babysat him almost all the time. He and I formed a strong bond, as you would imagine. When my granddaughter came along, I was concerned that I wouldn’t feel as close to her as I did to my grandson, and that did in fact happen in the beginning.
I did my best not to show favoritism, because my grandparents did that to my cousins, and they resented them horribly. I’ve always been careful to not get one of them more than the other and have tried not to favor him over her and thought I was doing fine.
However, my daughter confronted me recently to let me know that I was doing exactly that. My first instinct was to react with an explanation of why I’m closer to my grandson than my granddaughter, but then I realized that none of that mattered and that she was in a better position than I to see it.
So instead, I thanked my daughter for pointing it out to me and asked her to help me do better going forward. Clearly your mother-in-law doesn’t seem to mind her favoritism, so it’s up to you to nip this in the bud, and I think you’re doing a fine job.” PatieS13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My mum used to be in your shoes. My grandma apparently did not acknowledge my little brother when she gave me some money but not my brother. My mother was fed up and told her half of it would go to my sibling.
She got the message. Tell your MIL all the kids get the same amount of presents or your son’s surplus will be redistributed among the girls, no matter what it is. If she is conservative concerning gender-related toys, it might irritate her but it could work to your advantage.” EndiWinsi
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you’re the jerk. I was my granddad’s favorite. Everyone has their favorite. Parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles alike. But the difference is: saying it out loud and making it known, or still treating all your grandchildren the same and then thinking afterward ‘Man, I love that little boy / that little girl just so darn much.’ Maybe slipping them an extra chocolate, what have you.
But you wanting your children to not be faced with that very obvious favoritism in front of the other children is not a jerk move at all. I think it will potentially cause some problems and they probably won’t be very understanding, because to them they’re not doing anything wrong.
But it is absolutely not fair to the other two that your son gets so much more and then some. It also has a bitter aftertaste of how your MIL is doing her best to impress your son and almost makes sure that he doesn’t forget who’s being EXTRA NICE to her special little boy… I don’t know, it’s just icky.
Her not knowing the other two that well is not a good enough argument, in my opinion. Tell her. Be kind, but firm. You are allowed to voice your opinion regarding your children. Good luck with everything!” Ok-Inspection-5768
2. AITJ For Ratting My MIL Out For Rehoming Her Partner’s Dog And Stealing Jewelry?
“My MIL moved out to live with her partner after we asked her to leave. Then a week ago she brought us her partner’s dog (a beautiful golden retriever) and told us that he needed to rehome it because his landlord didn’t want pets.
The poor dog was depressed the whole time even though my dog kept bringing him toys and trying to play. Yesterday, MIL’s partner showed up at our house to get something of hers out of the garage and saw the dog. They were both overjoyed, and the partner said that he thought the dog was missing.
I could have covered for MIL, but I told him that she brought the dog to us and said he wanted to rehome it. Then I also ratted her out for something else that had happened even though it was unnecessary. The partner is a chef and lives in a large rented house with some other restaurant workers, including two early 20s girls who share a bedroom.
One of the girls had called my wife and said that MIL had stolen a piece of jewelry and a bottle of perfume from her room. She just wanted the things back (the jewelry was a gift from her parents) without starting drama in the house.
My wife managed to get them back to their rightful owner without the partner knowing. Now the partner is irate over both situations and is kicking MIL out.
AITJ for ratting MIL out when I could have said a lot less than I did?”
Another User Comments:
“You have a very strange way of characterizing all of this drama. Why would you think you were ‘ratting’ your mother-in-law out when what you were doing was giving a straightforward answer to a man whose dog was missing? Your choice to throw in the jewelry theft after the dog thing is pretty weird, but can you honestly say that a sensible and attentive partner would have been shocked by any of this?
You are NTJ, but if I were you I would spend a lot more time worrying about my wife’s apparent comfort with this sort of criminal behavior from her mother.” EmceeSuzy
Another User Comments:
“I’d have been interested in how else you’d have thought to explain his dog being at your house without giving the honest truth.
Considering you knew the dog was his, and you’d have known how to contact him, I can’t imagine a single fake story that’d cover it. Also, NTJ for the jewelry thing either. He needed to know she’s a thief before she did it again. The next person might not have handled it so calmly, and they might have tried to band together to kick him and his thieving partner out.
I don’t understand how your wife lets any of this behavior fly.” TrickSea_239
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Nope. If someone stole a partner’s dog and rehomed him, it’s time for scorched earth, then salting that earth, holding an exorcism over the salted ashes, dousing the ashes in holy water, and then burying the ashes in a lead-lined box inside of another box and bound with the anchor chain from a Zumwalt-class destroyer.
It is not your job to deceive your MIL’s partner that she stole his dog. He is so very, very lucky that she didn’t dump that dog near a freeway or at a crowded shelter.” Shdfx1
1. AITJ For Telling My Mother-In-Law To Remove Her Unauthorized Gift Tags?
“I had ordered all my children’s Christmas presents online to be sent to my in-laws’ home as we are spending Christmas there this year.
My mother-in-law said that she didn’t mind wrapping them all up before we all got there. We arrived here yesterday and all was well. After the kids got settled in their room, I got a chance to ask her about the presents. She told me that they were mostly all wrapped with just a couple she needed to finish off and that they were stored in their basement.
I did ask if she needed a hand to finish the rest off, but she insisted that I should rest after our journey. So I rejoined my husband in the sitting room.
A couple of hours later, she had gone to take a nap, so I went down to their basement to see how many had been wrapped. Like she said, there were some still left to wrap.
But as I was checking some of the bigger presents, I noticed that they already had gift tags taped to them. When I flipped the tags, they read “from grandma” on not just one, but on all of the bigger ones. So I immediately went and told my husband about what I just found, and he said that his mum had asked if she could put a few of her tags on as she “didn’t want to disappoint her grandsons.” My husband agreed that she could and told me that it isn’t a big deal and that this is the only time we will be spending Christmas over at theirs (as they live 4 hours away).
I’m mad that most of the bigger presents are things that I had pre-ordered for a long time and put a lot of thought into, and had some toys personalized with their name (which cost a lot of money).
Anyway, my mother-in-law came back downstairs from her nap, so I basically told her that I don’t think it’s right for her to just do that without asking me.
Also, she got super upset and told me that I was being selfish and then tried guilt-tripping by saying this could be one of the last Christmases she will have. She’s old but she’s not that old (71). She told me that I’m ruining Christmas already.
I don’t know, I’m trying my best to appear as if nothing is wrong around my kids. I do feel bad and that I may have overreacted. I don’t know what to do, should I leave her tags on and apologize or put my own tags on and tell her she should have bought more??
This is turning into a nightmare.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she is overstepping here and taking advantage of a situation. What did she actually get the grandkids?? She shouldn’t have asked your husband as we were well aware she did that just to circumvent you.
Clearly, you were the one she organized everything to do with the presents with until she decided she wanted to put her name on things. Very deceptive of her and really dumb that your husband didn’t tell you right away, even if he was okay with it.
Maybe he should help more with presents overall too.” AgitatedDot9313
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What a lousy jerk move! She knew you would be upset and sneakily told you it’s all fine and ready so you’ll find out when it was too late.
You don’t want to disappoint your grandsons? Well, how about saving for their BIG presents instead of leeching from the mom and making HER look bad in front of her kids?! I just can’t understand how people feel so entitled to even suggest such a horrible request, by knowing they are making someone else take the fall for their lack of preparedness and laziness.
You should put your own tags, and let her take the fall as she should.” edebby
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband explained why this is a bigger deal than ease allowing. Then take him to the basement and have his mother separate all the presents into three piles.
One pile would be the presents she actually bought and paid for. One pile would be the presents that you paid for but she’s taking credit for. And the third pile would be the stuff that she’s going to put your name on.
At this point, I wonder if she even bought anything herself or is just going to let you buy all the presents and her take all the credit, but I guarantee that the pile of what you bought and she’s claiming credit for is going to be the biggest pile of them all.
Put your foot down. If your husband wants her to put her name on a present then she gets one present for each kid and it cannot be the most expensive thing. End of story.” Dimgrund71
