People Are Hesitant To Accept That They're At Fault In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
19. AITJ For Kicking Out My Pregnant Sister?
“5 months ago my sister (21F) found out she got pregnant by this guy she’d been seeing.
He didn’t want anything to do with the baby and left her. I encouraged her to move in with me and said she could stay until she had the baby and managed to find something that’ll help her on her feet.
Fast forward to months and I’ve never regretted it more.
Within the first 2 months, I was already ready to kick her out. She never cleans up after herself and blames it on the pregnancy which means that when I come back from my 9-5 I’d have to clean the whole house, make dinner (which is always her choice), and clean up after dinner, then do my work whilst attending to her needs.
The needs aren’t even difficult for her to do. From month 3 onwards she’d have different men over every other week, probably sleeping with them and not even in her room but around the whole house, and I’d also have to clean this mess up too.
Last week I confronted her about it and she said it was my responsibility since I came up with the idea and that I’m her older sister.
We argued about it and soon I realized her mentality and that was the last straw for me and I kicked her out that night and now she’s living with our cousin. Yesterday I went over the argument and am starting to feel guilty about my verdict but it was a very strenuous 6 months for me.
Am I the jerk?
Edit: She was having guys over and sleeping with them but not every time, when they weren’t they’d hang out and make a mess of the place. I’ve spoken to my cousin about getting her in line in preparation for looking after the baby.
I’ve also said that I’ll allow her to come back once the baby is born but I’ll be more cautious and strict about her stay.”
Another User Comments:
“A pregnant woman able to sleep with multiple new men? She is definitely capable then of cleaning up after herself and doing chores around the home.
NTJ but if you let her back into your home after having the child you would be the jerk to yourself. You will become the primary caregiver of that kid if she moves back in. Your sister can either learn to be a single parent or give the child up for adoption and right now she should seriously consider adoption because she’s not ready to be a parent.” WinEquivalent4069
Another User Comments:
“So NTJ, you wanted to help and give her a place to stay in the short term. In all honesty, if that was me, I would have been grateful, help around where I can, nils is possible, with housework, and meals.
She has taken advantage of you and felt it appropriate to bring strangers into your home without consent from you.
Her attitude that she asked her to move in and such. You’re responsible for weight on hand and foot, it’s completely outrageous and out of order.
In end, it has done too far and you needed her to leave and she has had months to sort more permanent solution which she has not done which is her own fault.
If you had left it longer and she had the baby, then it would only get worse and she would use emotional blackmail to stay, and if you kicked her out, people would up in arms about it.
So you have given her a chance which ignored and now she has to deal with the consequences.” Possible_Laugh_9139
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Also, do not let her move back in no matter what. Your sister is the type to take advantage of others and then blame them for her abhorrent favor and lack of respect. You will become her bank, childcare, and maid. She is clearly not mentally fit to even entertain the thought of having a child, she’s too immature and expects everyone else to cater to her.
If you continue to let her treat you this way instead of forcing her to grow up, then that makes you an enabler. Just because you are the older sibling, doesn’t mean you are her keeper. She made the choice to keep this pregnancy, she made the choice to have multiple partners all while simultaneously being emotionally and mentally manipulative towards you and then blaming you for that bad behavior.
She doesn’t have any respect for you or anyone else.” AirAggravating8714
18. AITJ For Wanting To Get Paid For Watching My Sister's Kids?
“A few years ago I was going away to a conference so I asked my sister if she could watch my dogs while I was away. She said she would do it if I paid her.
So I hired a service instead. Yes, I could have paid her but it would have required me to go pick up her unemployed butt from my parents’ house and let her stay at my house eating my food. The service came in, fed and then walked my dogs.
When I moved out of our parent’s home my friends all helped me out.
But not her, she was busy doing schoolwork. But that she would take a break if I paid for her time. She was watching TV. When she moved in with her partner, now husband, I helped her out.
She is an amateur photographer but pretty great, to be honest. When I got married it was a small thing in my parent’s backyard.
To save money I did everything with friends and family. My aunt lent me her wedding dress and one of my friends made the cake. Everyone pitched in to decorate and set up and clean up. I asked if she could take the wedding pictures. She said only if I paid.
So I got a bunch of disposable cameras and used those for the candid shots and paid a photographer for the ceremony and formals only.
I now make enough money that I can afford to make my life easier by just paying for whatever I need. And this is what I do now for most stuff.
I still do favors for friends and they often return them.
My sister who wanted to get paid to sit in my house and watch tv so my dogs were okay ended up with a nice guy and getting married. She called me last week and asked if I could watch her kids so they could go on vacation.
Her husband’s parents got sick and ours moved to Florida. So I said I would if she paid me. She can afford it. But now it’s all about how family helps each other out. I reminded her of all the times I asked her for help and she said I was being petty and vindictive.
She tried getting my parents on her side, but they told her that she had set the ground rules for our relationship.
Now she is on social media trying to get her friends to make me feel guilty about not ‘helping the family’. I probably should not have responded but I did, saying that her friends were also available to help her out for free.
But I guess she burned a few bridges there too and some of them called her out for always wanting to be paid for a favor.
It’s become a huge mess.
EDIT: So yes I did ask my sister to take pictures for free at my wedding. The entire out-of-pocket cost for my wedding came to about $4,000.
That includes the $1,500 I paid the photographer for 2.5 hours of their time and the proofs. My sister wanted $2,000.
Also, my husband did all the wiring in my sister’s family room for free. That was two days of a professional electrician working for free. So not to be transactional about it but yeah.
When he did it for a friend they fed him, gave him a steak.”
Another User Comments:
“Small caveat on the whole wedding photography thing.
People often underestimate how stressful and how much work event photography like that actually is. If you’re the main photographer, it’s not a fun party, it’s a full day of work plus at least another day or two to go through selecting and editing all the photos.
Even though it was a small thing, your sister would have been largely unable to participate in the wedding because she’d been too busy trying to capture it all on camera. It’s a lot to ask, and in that one instance, I actually think it was reasonable for your sister to have asked to be paid.
Still, NTJ because those other times you asked something of her it was unreasonable of her to ask for a payment.” arrayofemotions
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Yes, family helps family, etc, so thinking she shouldn’t be paid to house-sit and watch your dogs is one thing, but it was pretty rude to expect her to take photos at your wedding without being paid for it.
Wedding photography service starts in the hundreds of dollars and can be thousands, and being your photographer likely would have meant she’d be stressed, unable to enjoy herself, at risk of angering you if you didn’t like her photos, etc.
However, it’s ridiculous she would expect you to watch what sounds like multiple kids for multiple days without being paid, especially since she was so insistent on being paid in the past.” ThrowawayReddit5858
Another User Comments:
“Your sister has a pattern of behavior where she demands other people give her favors for free, but that she get paid for doing the same things for them. She’s living by a double standard, where she gets paid, but never pays. She’s a user, and a manipulator.
You said ‘no.’ Instead of accepting your decision quietly, she’s making a big fuss, to try to force your compliance with her demands. That’s what all this is, pressure to force your compliance. Used to be that flying monkeys came one or two at a time because the manipulator had to work on them in person.
With social media, your sister is trying to gather up a whole crowd of flying monkeys to work for her.
But now it’s all about how family helps each other out. I reminded her of all the times I asked her for help and she said I was being petty and vindictive.
You aren’t being petty or vindictive. That’s her lies. You have learned from experience, which is a very different thing. Your experience with your sister shows a pattern over many years where she wants free favors but won’t ever give free favors and never shows gratitude for the favors she receives.
Years of this behavior and learning from it, and eventually realizing that she’s not going to change that’s natural consequences and reasonable consequences, not pettiness or revenge.
I’d say it’s more likely that she’s projecting. Her running to complain on social media because you said ‘no’ to her, that’s petty and vindictive.
Anyone who knows you and she knows that she’s not one to believe.
She’s claiming ‘family’ but she’s the one that doesn’t act like family to you. It’s supposed to go both ways, not just TO her. Family isn’t the same as her being Queen and you all being her subjects.
It’s peers, equals to equals. Manipulators use what we value to try to get control over us. That’s what she’s doing here, knowing you value family relationships.
She’s making these accusations, false accusations, to insult you and make you feel guilty. The guilt trip is meant to force your compliance, nothing else.
NTJ.” blueberryyogurtcup
17. AITJ For Being Mad At My Partner For Eating All The Food?
“Last Saturday, we had friends come over for a game night. There were 17 people in our apartment.
We bought 200$ worth of hors d’oeuvres such as eggrolls, small pastries with meat or cheese, and some chips. As the main dish, I asked my aunt to cook us her special macaroni in the oven, chicken wings, and nuggets. There was so much food everyone left with a plate. Sunday we ate out of the leftovers but there was still enough food to eat for the rest of the week (there was a lot of food).
She works from home and I from an office. Sunday night she packed the food in the fridge. I noticed Monday morning that there was less macaroni than what was left the previous day (meaning she ate during the night). I’m the type that doesn’t like to eat heavy at lunch otherwise it makes me sleepy so I made sandwiches for lunch thinking I’m going to eat some macaroni, wings, and pastries for supper.
Monday 7 pm when I go to the fridge, all the pastries and chicken wings are gone!
At the same time, my sister came over to do my partner’s hair and I asked: ‘Honey did you pack the hors d’oeuvres somewhere else, I can’t find them?’ She replied there was none left. I didn’t want to make a scene in front of my sister so I took a plate of macaroni.
The next day (Tuesday) she made me a steak with veggies for lunch and in the afternoon I had a seminar with paid dinner so I didn’t eat any of the leftovers. Then comes Wednesday, I had sandwiches for lunch again but when I got home I was hungry, went to the fridge and realized there was no food left. She ate everything, and that mountain of food we had for a week is gone.
That’s when I snapped and told her she didn’t leave me any. At first, she denied eating everything but I told her we’re only two here, I only ate a plate when my sister came on Monday. Then she said she thought I had taken my share. I told her clearly no. Then she replies there’s no use being mad for food when we can just go and buy more.
She said I’m just being petty. I told her it doesn’t make sense that you ate all this food in 3 days and that you didn’t even notice that I didn’t have any. It’s easy to say that it’s just food when you ate it all.
Now she’s mad at me apparently for yelling at her and being too old, (I’m 36), to react like this.
I’m 6”1′ and 205 and she’s 5”8′, 185. During the last two years, she gained at least 40 lbs while I’ve stayed the same. I’m seeing red right now and have no one to vent my anger to because I don’t want people I know to see her in a bad light.
Am I a jerk or not? Please pass judgment upon me.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I get that it was a dish your aunt specially cooked for you. But you didn’t seem interested. You are other things. Leftovers have a shelf life. She probably thought eating the leftovers instead of sandwiches was keeping food from going to waste.
Next time tell anyone you share a refrigerator with ‘hey, I really love my aunt’s macaroni. I don’t want it right now but can you please make sure some gets saved for me?’ You’re allowed to have feelings about her weight gain.
Physical attraction is a component even of an established relationship.
Bodies change over time. If having a thin partner is your biggest priority, cool. But you aren’t allowed to punish her or judge her or look down on her because of it. Admit that you’re the one with the problem and do the kind thing and leave her rather than treating her like trash.
That isn’t going to make her slim down and breeding anger inside yourself doesn’t help you.” FlatElvis
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If the problem was that you wanted some of it, you should have asked her to leave you some, or packed up a box for yourself and asked her to leave those for you to eat.
That’s not the issue though. The issue is that she’s gained weight and you don’t like it, so now you are shaming her for eating a lot of food.
Lemme ask you this. Did she ask you for help in eating better? If not, then you are starting to get control.
Getting mad and belittling her and yelling at her, over leftovers, is very concerning. If she had a magic metabolism and could eat like that and not put on weight, would you have cared as much? Is money an issue at all? Is any of this because all that food costs money?
Is money tight, and you were hoping the dollar paid for the food would go further? And then on top of that, her figure is changing in a way that displeases you?
You need to figure out what your problem is so you can communicate your feelings in a constructive way.” Wilted_Peony
Another User Comments:
“So your partner’s eating in secret, lying about it, and gaining weight over time… And your reaction is to get angry with her about it? YTJ just for that.
And then there are the comments you’ve made on other posts – your partner has admitted to you she feels insecure and unattractive around you and especially in your personal life, and you admit to doing freaky stuff when she’s not there.
Trust me, she knows about that – you are not as subtle as you think you are, even if you are trying to hide it. The two of you should’ve seen a counselor about this a long time ago, really.
She clearly feels judged and possibly a bit apprehensive about your reactions here.
You mentioning her weight gain as part of your argument that you aren’t a jerk for getting mad at her really just highlights that you (and probably she) find that weight gain unattractive and that you have put it down to poor self-discipline on her part and are thinking yourself superior for not having had the same happen – nevermind that there are all sorts of reasons why men find it easier to burn calories than women and have more predictable and regular hormonal responses, especially as we get older, and that there’s clearly an emotional component to this that you’ve missed altogether.
There is more to this than selfishness or greed on her part, and it’s a little sad that you haven’t seen it. Your partner is working from home and overeating during the times she’s alone. She may very well be lonely or upset about something, and probably has very low self-esteem especially given how you treated her – but instead of asking her about that and trying to get to the root of why she’s trying to eat her feelings, you’re just getting mad because you didn’t get some 4-day-old pasta.
Bravo, dude.” redcore4
16. AITJ For Blaming My Parents For My Present Life Decisions?
“I (M31) am American but grew up moving all around the world since my parents (M+F 68/66) worked for the UN before they retired recently. From the age of 2-16 and 25-now I have lived in 6 different countries, first with my parents and going to school abroad, then after graduate school, I moved abroad again by my own choice to work, presently in South Korea.
I am currently visiting friends and family in America for the first time in almost 3 years, and my parents and I are currently visiting my aunt and grandmother (in New England). After lunch yesterday my grandmother said ‘I’m so glad to hear you’ll be moving back home to New England soon!’, and it turns out my dad told her that.
It’s not true at all, I have no plans on moving ‘home’ anytime soon, and I’ve never actually lived here. My parents know that, and when I asked my mom later she said my dad told a white lie just to make his mom happy (she’s 98).
Honestly, I would have gone along with the lie and not really cared if my parents told me beforehand.
But when I asked my dad about it later, he said it was probably a lie but also that he hoped I would actually move back to America and settle down and get married soon. That’s when I lost it on him, saying/shouting that it was his fault that I would never settle down, seeing as how the only thing I knew was moving from place to place due to his job (mostly true), not being able to have long-term friendships or serious relationships (not really true) and that I hated having to move around all the time anyway (was true for a bit but now I love it), and that I never want to move back to America (not true).
In reality, I’m not ruling out moving to America, settling down with someone, having kids, etc… just that I don’t know if I want to or not, and certainly not immediately.
He hasn’t talked to me since. My mom actually doesn’t seem bothered about any of what I said, saying that she’s fine with me living my own life and doing whatever, but also said that I should keep up the lie to my grandmother, and apologize to my dad for talking to him that way and that he had meant well all along, both for me as well as doing good work for the UN.
So AITJ for making my dad and possibly my grandmother upset for saying that I’m never going to settle down and move back to America and blaming my dad for it?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You’re 31. Your grandmother is 98. Your father should have given you a heads-up that he was telling her a ‘white lie’ and to just go with it.
Then it would have been you eye-rolling but not losing your mind like you did here.
Have you been in therapy ever? Because it seems like you have a lot to work through, and a lot of anger that just exploded over something as small as telling an extremely elderly person something that will make them happy, and which they will likely not be around (or cognizant) to have to see it through.
You should be more mature at 31 than to yell at your relatives and say ‘I am NEVER GOING TO DO’ whatever it is. Like, I have teens and that is something they used to say in middle school.” Straight-Singer-2912
Another User Comments:
“Soft ‘everyone sucks here’. I can understand why you blew up, but your reaction was out of proportion unless there’s an additional background you’re not telling.
I can also understand why your dad told a white lie to his 98-year-old mother, but he should have looped you in. Apologize to your dad for blowing up then ask him to loop you into these sorts of things in the future. Tell your grandma you have been considering moving back but no firm plans have been made.
And then go get therapy to deal with your resentments. That last line isn’t meant to be snarky. Therapy is a great resource and everybody has stuff they could use a neutral party to help deal with.” Particular-Studio-32
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Coming from a military brat, I feel you.
Tried settling down. The longest I could manage in one place was 9 years. I hated it. I was going out of my skin by year 5. Haven’t lived anywhere for more than 4 years since.
But you yelled a lot of things you know aren’t true just to hurt your dad. You know you value the perspective and the experiences you got that so few others get to have.
And your dad does need to understand the profound social impact moving constantly has on kids. Inability to keep friends, difficulty making new ones. The restless urge to go see what’s over the horizon, the boredom with the same rooms and the same faces and the same… same… that prevents you from wanting to settle anywhere.
And part of that also comes with never feeling like you belong anywhere, that you’re from anywhere, that you have a ‘home’ that isn’t where you’re currently living with your immediate family. Your dad likely doesn’t get that and should.
Sit down and have a talk with your parents. If they expect you to lie to relatives they need to do you the courtesy of forewarning you, and they shouldn’t be making assumptions about your life track that doesn’t take into account the person your experiences molded you into.” Ayaruq
15. AITJ For Keeping My Children Together?
“I (38m) split with my wife Laura (36) 10 years ago. We had three children together (Mason 16, Luka 14, and Sophie 11).
We had a good relationship and split custody. The boys lived with me most recently as Laura was diagnosed with cancer.
Her mother thought it was best that Sophie stayed with her during Laura’s treatment. I didn’t argue as Sophie seemed happy with staying with her and would come to me on her normal days. The boys refused to spend the days that they were supposed to be with their mom with their grandmother as they didn’t get on.
I took them to visit Laura regularly.
Sadly three months ago Laura passed away, so I took Sophie to live with her brothers and me.
Now Laura’s mother is calling me a jerk for taking her granddaughter away from her and has turned most of Laura’s family against me.
I didn’t think that I was doing anything wrong but they are making me doubt myself as Sophie was happy living with her grandmother and I want to do what was best for her.
Laura’s mother is saying she will take me to court for custody of Sophie.
All the children are in therapy and are coping with their mom’s passing at the moment. Sophie hasn’t asked to go and live with her grandmother but she hasn’t said she wants to live with me either.”
Another User Comments;
“First off, I’m sorry for your and your family’s loss, that sounds incredibly difficult.
Secondly, I’d say the best thing to do here is talk to Sophie, she’s obviously one of the mainly injured parties and her input should be considered about her living situation. Make sure that any decision that is made is best for her and not just a point of pride for you or the grandmother.
Finally, I’d say that it sounds a lot like Laura’s mom wants to replace Laura with Laura’s daughter.
There is a middle ground here where your children have a healthy relationship with both sides of the family but it’s going to take some work on the part of both sides to make that happen.
You will probably have to be the one to take steps for that. Your former MIL is dealing with one of the worst kinds of pain that anyone can experience as she has outlived her child.
Good luck.
NTJ” Smuff23
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — this is such a hard situation.
Your ex-MIL has burned bridges by going explosive about it, and I get that she’s mourning but she caused irreparable destruction to your trust and relationship.
If she hadn’t gone ballistic, it would have been nice if grandma continued to have visits but she’s chosen to burn the bridges.
And I’m worried about grandma anyway. Why is she nice to Sophie and not the boys? And since she went so quickly turning on you, I worry she was already into her plan to keep her when she was still there. Was she trying to poison Sophie against you, etc?
As you know, parenting requires keeping your cool and dealing with your not-favorite people for the sake of your kid and grandma failed spectacularly in that. A respectful conversation ‘I love Sophie and it’s very important to me to be in her life, can we please keep up these visits?’ — sounds like you would have been open to that conversation.
As parents, we have to have these conversations with exes, family members, teachers, doctors, CAS, etc — it’s hard! But it’s what our kids need us to do.
At this point you can’t let Sophie have an unsupervised visit or even a phone call, I think it’s not safe.
She’s made it clear she’s an abduction risk and telling Sophie you’re horrible is emotional mistreatment.” Pumpkinkra
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re Sophie’s father, and at the end of the day she is still your responsibility and right now given the circumstances, it’s best for her to be with you and her brothers.
Look at engaging a lawyer to find out whether or not your state has grandparent rights and to protect your rights as Sophie’s father and have said lawyer right organize for your ex mil to be served with an official cease and desist letter stating that she needs to stop harassing you over your daughter living with you, and as her parent, you’ll be doing what’s best for your daughter and regardless of what she thinks your daughter is not her emotional support person and she needs to back off and owes both you and your children a huge apology for badmouthing you to your children’s maternal family and as such until she no longer presents as a danger to both you and your children she’ll no longer be permitted to be around your children for their emotional and physical wellbeing.” G8RTOAD
14. AITJ For Not Coming To My Neighbor's New House For Dinner?
“We are extremely good friends with our neighbors, my husband has similar hobbies as the husband and I consider the wife one of my best friends and we even work at the same school. Now, the husband was caught having an affair about 6 months ago, and it’s been extremely awkward lately.
I honestly understand that they are responsible for their own lives and I’m in no position to be judging them. He has been welcome at our place whenever he needs a friend and especially when he has their kids to play with ours.
She has been almost every day at ours, sometimes even sleeping at ours while they were still arranging new housing.
He has now moved to a new house and has the girl he had an affair on living with him. He has invited us to dinner yesterday and I strongly said that I wouldn’t go there and risk meeting the girl. He accused me of being unreasonable and that I was going out of my way to make her feel unwanted. I told my husband that he could go, but I would feel like a bad friend to my neighbor if I’d go have a nice time at her husband’s (they are still married, only separated for the time being) new house with his side girl.
So AITJ for refusing to go there?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sounds like you weren’t his friend, but his wife’s in the 1st place.
He’s awfully entitled, demanding you pretend to play happy house with him and his side piece! You’ve been far more accommodating than he deserves already. If it were me, he wouldn’t have even been allowed at my home.
Time to draw some boundaries with this guy and let him know where he stands with you. If he accuses you of being mean, don’t try to defend yourself. Just say ‘yup’ and ignore him.
And yes, you going to dinner there WOULD hurt your friend. She’d probably trust you less and feel like you condone his infidelity.” balderdashbird
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And this is not a story about neighbors, it is a story about friendship. You are a couple, and you befriended the neighbor couple. In your case, more with the wife, who is also your coworker. Then they broke up. And you do what good friends do, you stick with your friend, and you are there for her.
You still see him in your house, because of the kids, and maybe he is more friends with your husband. Everything is good there.
But going to his new place and dining with his new girl is a different story. You are definitely NTJ for not doing this, for being a good friend.
No one is entitled to your friendship, you choose your friends. And when someone hurts a good friend it is very understandable that you don’t want to be friends with them.
And you and your hubby are adults, you can have different friends, and he can go on his own.
Nothing wrong with that.” SeeMeImhere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she is still your friend even if he is your friend. And you are absolutely allowed to have boundaries that include not wanting to spend any time with her. If that means he no longer considers you a friend so be it.
Your husband can meet them together outside of your home but you and your kids never need to be anywhere near her.
As for the kids coming around when he has them, maybe end that if he pushes things now and gets mad at you. If he lets it go fine, but if he keeps saying you are unreasonable, then you need to tell your husband you no longer feel it’s appropriate he comes over to your shared house which is a saplaceace for you.
That again your husband can meet him anytime but you don’t have to. Your kids will spend time with his kids when their mother has them and your husband can go to a bar or cafe to meet his friend or go round to his place.” User
13. AITJ For Not Letting My Partner Move In With Me?
“My (24M) partner (20F) has been staying the night every night for about the last month.
She’s got her own apartment that she’s in the contract for til July; however, it’s more convenient for her to stay at my place cause my apartment is closer to her job and school, and I enjoy having her around.
The only issue is one of my roommates doesn’t like her.
I live with 3 other guys for context, and while 2/3 are friends with her and have told me verbatim they don’t mind if she moved in, the one roommate that I share a bathroom with said he had a problem with it. He said he didn’t want her living here every night even if she started paying rent.
This wasn’t surprising to me cause for the nearly two years I’ve known my partner, he’s never liked her, and he nearly stopped being friends with me when we got together officially.
I decided that if it was gonna make a problem between me and my roommates, maybe we should alternate living between my apartment and hers, but my partner doesn’t want that.
She said she hates it there, and now she’s mad that I took my roommate’s side over hers, especially when he’s the roommate that has said nothing but disparaging things about both of us for the last few months and I haven’t confronted him about it.
This whole issue is putting a real strain on my relationship. Am I the jerk for trying to avoid conflict?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. What if all 4 roommates had their partners move in this past month (without paying rent and expenses) that would not cause hardships, noise, overcrowding, or utility increases?
Seems the only 2 people who don’t understand boundaries are you and your partner.
Okay, you enjoy having her around, understood? YOU enjoy having her around. YOU. Your apartment is closer to her work, her school? So it is all about HER needs? Maybe your partner hates her apartment coz her roommates won’t put up with her attitude.
Maybe the one roommate who did speak up (He never liked her, hmmm, I can see a few reasons right away) can see that your partner acts a bit entitled (perhaps you can’t see it coz she is your partner) by staying there EVERY FRIGGING NIGHT as if she had already moved in?
You suggested swapping nights at each apartment, and your partner shot you down. She shot YOU down, she told you ‘NO’. She got mad coz you didn’t take her side? So no matter what, you HAVE to side with her?
When tension/conflict did arise, your roommate talked to you, the ROOMMATE.
That is the way to do it. Yet your partner said, ‘If he has a problem with me, he can talk to me about it’. NO, she isn’t a roommate. The guy did it right. Your partner sounds like she just wants to argue with the guy and have you stand there and defend her.
I’m glad you are considering moving out in July when your contract ends. I wish you good luck, coz it sounds like you got a mess on your hands with that one.” NCKALA
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you move her in. The one who said no has to share a bathroom with you.
Why should he have to share it with two other people? Also, maybe he doesn’t want to share it with a woman either.
Your partner is a jerk, thinking she has every right to change someone else’s living situation. She’s got an apartment to live in. Looks like she’ll be demanding you two get a place together in July now she can’t move in with your household.” Fit_General7058
Another User Comments:
“I’m pretty certain you’ve already violated the terms of your lease letting her stay there so if your roommate tells your landlord, you’re running a serious risk of getting kicked out. This happened to me in college with my roommate letting her befriend stay with us like this.
We BOTH nearly got kicked out of the apartment! If she’s not paying rent now, she would need to be added to the lease and paying her fair share and ALL of your roommates would need to agree to it. I don’t know why ANY girl would want to live with all those dudes unless she thinks she’s going to be doing it for free.
You need to clarify these things with her. You’d only be the jerk if you let her move in for free.” Honestandkind
12. AITJ For Calling The Cops On My Roommate?
“I (18F) and my roommate (18F) have had a difficult time living together.
She constantly kicks me out of the dorm to hook up with guys from the internet and at one point kicked me out at 2 am to hook up and tried to bribe my friends to ‘babysit’ me when I’m a grown woman. Then proceeded to not speak to me for the next couple of days until we had a conversation with the RA.
She would have other people check my toothbrush by touching it to see if it was wet to make sure I was brushing my teeth and would check my shampoo and body wash to make sure I was showering.
She constantly yells at me and degrades me and refuses to call me by my name and only calls me ‘roommate’.
She constantly tells me and the people around me to tell me to be quiet (I have ADHD) and sometimes maybe I talk more than the average person and to silence me she throws pillows at me which I do not appreciate. She emotionally manipulates me, breaks every roommate agreement, and isolates me from my friends.
I’m paying roughly $4400 a semester to live in the high-quality honors dorms and have been reduced to sleeping on a bean bag in my neighbor’s room. I have consistently tried to speak to her woman to woman and every time she dismisses me, ignores me, or promises to change and doesn’t.
Now to the current issue. Recently while I was with friends she called me and said I was not allowed in the room. I am a pretty shy person and did not feel safe at this point so I called campus police and to escort me into my OWN ROOM so I could grab the rest of my stuff and move it into my neighbor’s room.
My neighbors are the sweetest people and have let me stay here for the last 3 and at this point, everyone is a bit overwhelmed with such a small space. We tried to speak to the RA and nothing came of it, we put in a complaint to the dean of students and have heard nothing, and this is starting to affect my mental health as well as my neighbors and my academics which are very important because I need to maintain a certain GPA to stay in these dorms and keep my honors scholarship.
Am I the jerk for calling the police on my roommate?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She needs her own room because she is treating you as if you’re an interloper in your own space you pay rent for. The university response is underwhelming because she is also influencing your ability to study and get proper rest so you can continue as a student.
I’d be camping out in your RA’s room so that they don’t get left alone until you get some satisfaction. You did the right thing escalating to the next level. I would also consider contacting the university housing office about this since the RA is doing nothing.” Spinnerofyarn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Calling the police to get your belongings was smart. It created a paper trail.
You need to go to the Resident Director, or the Dean of Students with this. Your university-assigned roommate has made it impossible for you to use the space the university has assigned to you.
Kicking you out so she can have relations is probably violating a university code of conduct.
Since your RA isn’t doing anything, you need to go over the head of the RA. Hence, the RD, who should be their boss.
Be the squeaky wheel. You deserve the space you are paying for, the bed to sleep in, and a roommate who respects your right to your space and who treats you like an adult.” Algebralovr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it sounds like you need to since you’re on a university campus, seek out the legal department or legal assistance. You are paying for a service, which is being housed, and that isn’t happening. The neighbors who are housing you should also go with you because they are being negatively affected by the chaotic situation as well.
There needs to be a push to force the college to do its job. An RA doing nothing about this situation is completely unacceptable.
I get it, you are tired, it is stealing your energy and affecting your grades and you are getting stressed out. But you need to take a breath, shove some of it down, and let the anger rise.
You are paying for that room, you should have it. You need to be knocking on the RA’s door every day, you need to be calling your parents, and you need to get legal assistance. You have to fight because if you are not a squeaky wheel they will ignore you.” JCBashBash
11. AITJ For Not Moving Back To My Ex's Country?
“I (32f) moved to my ex’s (38m) country three years ago to live with him (our countries are next to each other, about 3 hours apart by train). We were in a serious and committed relationship and had been together for a couple of years at that point, but we were not at the point of having children or getting married. We hadn’t even discussed it.
We were both careful when it came to contraception, however, during our relationship, I fell pregnant. My partner was very upset, even angry. He expressed that he’d like me to end the pregnancy. I was also scared, and I absolutely took his feelings into consideration, but I also knew I didn’t want to terminate my pregnancy.
I told him that I was going to keep our child but that he didn’t have to be involved in any way if he didn’t want to be. He said he didn’t and asked me to move out (he gave me time to do this, he didn’t throw me out).
I decided to move back to my country, so I could be with my family. I told him this and he agreed and said it was for the best.
I gave birth to my son almost a year ago. My ex found out about the birth through mutual friends (he wasn’t involved in the pregnancy at all) and got in touch with me to ask if he could come and see our son.
I obviously said yes, and he came to visit. I think seeing our son changed his view completely, and he started visiting at least once a fortnight, often staying for much longer, and has since confessed to me that he wishes he’d handled things differently. He’s on the birth certificate now (he initially asked not to be included), and he’s asked me if I’d consider moving back to his country so we can raise our son together.
Given that I have a healthy support network around me and because of the way in which he handled the pregnancy, I’ve told him that I’m not willing to do that. I’ve asked him to consider moving to my country, but I appreciate that it is much harder for him to move than for me to move due to his job (I’m a freelancer, so I can work from anywhere, whereas he works in a very specific technical role that pays very well, but that there aren’t a lot of opportunities for).
Am I being the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
In the future, if he continues to show support and interest, it might be something to consider, but I’d want a consistent track record of his wanting to actually parent before I left my entire support network and moved back to a country for someone who had ended a relationship with me and refused initially to be involved in my child’s life.
And by consistent track record, I mean give it a few years and be good and sure the novelty of having a baby has worn off.
Edit: I’d also remember that all of his interactions with your son have basically been vacations for him. Coparenting is about getting up in the middle of the night when your eight-year-old has just puked in his bed and down the hall when you have to get up for work in the morning.
It isn’t going on vacation to another country for a few weeks a year to see your baby that you can simply hand back when you’re done.” Eastern_Fox5735
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It would be bad enough if he were asking you to move to the other side of the same country.
Then you’d just be losing your support system.
He’s asking you to move to a different country where (I presume) he’s a citizen and you are not. You’ll have no recourse and no one to go to bat for you if something goes wrong. He’s not married to you and you’d have little to no legal protection compared to him.
Without several years of commitment and going out with you again on his part, a wedding ring on your finger, AND legal documents that establish who will have primary custody of the child if this relationship goes (signed off on by lawyers in both countries as binding) I wouldn’t ever take your child into his country again until they are an adult.
He might be a great dad now, but you’re talking about what could become international custody issues if you make the wrong decision here. He cannot be allowed to even see your child unless you’re in your home country. Not unless he rebuilds enough trust with you that you’re willing to actually marry him AND fully join finances.
If you haven’t hit that level of trust AND actually done those things? Your child doesn’t leave the country.” toketsupuurin
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ.
Think long and hard before you give your ex anything more than you’ve already done. You’re a more forgiving person than I would’ve been if my SO responded to an unplanned pregnancy (which is a two-person achievement) the way yours has done.
I would not have put him on the birth certificate even…
He asked you to move out, hasn’t shown any interest in your pregnancy or the birth, heard from others that he had a son, and suddenly he wants to know his kid? Would he have responded the same had your child been a girl?
As someone who’s only been accepted by some family members because of my gender, that is a lot of pressure on a child…
If he wants to be in his child’s life, it’s on him to do the hard work now: He can move to your country, get a similar job or a job in a different field (may take time, but so what?), show he is willing to actually be a father, and only then can you even think of giving him anything he may ask for.
Good luck OP! Hope it works out for you and your son.” helycopter
10. AITJ For Throwing My Mom's Stuff Out After She Judged My Son?
“My mom is a very conservative ‘Jesus-loving’ woman, the apple fell far from the tree with me.
I (male 40) and my mom already have a little bit of a rocky relationship because of my religious beliefs, I am agnostic (when someone believes they do not know whether god exists or not)
My mom is the type of person to try and trap you in her beliefs.
Well, despite all that, she’s divorcing my dad and going through the divorce now, and she left the house, she came to my doorstep the other day while my son was at school asking to stay.
I wanted to say no, but against my better judgment I let her, I don’t think I should’ve let her in the first place. She would only be staying with me for the night so she can go see her family in Connecticut.
My son is bi and has a male partner.
His partner usually comes over after school. They study here, and it stupidly crossed my mind that he would be coming over.
He ended up coming home, with his partner, he’s aware of my mother’s belief.
I was stuck, trying to avoid an argument I just said that they would be studying together and left it at that.
Well, I guess when he was leaving they kissed and my mom saw it and came to me fuming asking if I knew about these ‘sins’ going on under my roof. I reminded her under this roof those aren’t ‘sins’ and it’s my house.
I and my mom went back and forth, the argument consisted of her saying that this was way too far, he is only 16 and these phases shouldn’t be supported, and me just saying to zip it and act like an adult about this and not traumatize a child or don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
It wasn’t until she decided to go to my son impulsively in the middle of my argument, telling him he is unmanly and emasculating himself acting like a woman, She said that he needs to stop trying to use woman’s people for themselves (no clue what that meant) and that he looks like a fool spreading the image that he’s some feminine male, she tried saying he’s not going to heaven but I walked her out of his room.
I told her to get her stuff and find a new place to stay. She argued that she was just saying it like it is it’s a sin, I said if she wanted to focus on sins focus on hers with divorcing her husband and we went back and forth for over thirty minutes of me trying to get her out of my house.
Fed up, I grabbed her bags, put all her stuff in them, tossed them outside, and told her to get out or I’ll get more extreme with this.
I called my sister to come to pick her up, she was waiting for 15 max, mom made it a point to tell the whole family, and they told me that doing that was a jerk move because they made her uncomfortable because we knew her beliefs.
I don’t think that’s right at all, their reasoning is a no, in my opinion, but solely for what I did, AITJ? In my opinion, my only dumb move was letting her in.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a fantastic parent. All parents should stand up for their children like you have, even if it is to the child’s grandparents.
Your mother was in your house. She had no right to be spouting her homophobic beliefs to anyone while she was your guest, especially after you told her to stop. And, once you told her to leave, she was trespassing.
Just remember this in the future if she ever asks for anything again.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP, your home should be safe for your son and his parent. Your mother made her bed so she can lie in it as long as it’s not your house again. Just for security concerns, I would change the locks in case she copied keys or got a key to the house.
Because of her thinking the way you all live is somehow wrong please get cameras in case she does something. With an entire family like your mother, you will definitely need new locks and nice cameras if you can afford them. At the end of the day, the safety and well-being of you and your child matters more than the feelings of a bigot and so on.” Hot_Writer3771
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
What you have is a bunch of people who are ‘boat steady-ers’. Your mom is entitled to disagree with how someone else chooses to live their life, but not entitled to not face consequences and repercussions of her yelling at people she disagrees with.
All of these family members see that there’s drama and boat-rocking, and they simply say ‘Just appease her, just apologize.
Just steady the boat with us.’ You don’t negotiate with t********s or grown adults acting like toddlers.” hopscotchcaptain
9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give Up Half Of My Salary To My Brother?
“I (30M) have a little brother (28M) who hasn’t had his adulthood go the same way as mine. I’m pretty happy with what I’ve got, a wife I married 4 years ago, and a few-month-old daughter I absolutely adore. My brother, on the other hand, hasn’t done anything since he was 14.
He left school after he finished middle school. He didn’t go to high school or uni/college, he instead spent his time gaming and growing to be obese.
Weeks before 2022, my parents finally had enough and forced him to move out to live alone. They paid for the apartment and found him a job at McDonald’s that paid decent money.
He went to his job until being fired in the summer. At this point, he was also on the verge of being kicked out of his apartment due to not paying rent. That’s where I came in.
My parents asked me to do my ‘big brother duties’ of helping him pay the rent.
I paid for it, and he could continue living there. We were all mad because he didn’t even bother finding a new job or paying rent. He was kicked out last week.
Now, he’s back living with our parents, and they are asking me to give up 50% of my salary money to help him out.
I’m not poor, but I’m not THAT rich to just let go of 50% of my money. Also, my wife told me that there’s no way she’s going to let me do it, and I’m not. So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You don’t owe him, or your parents, anything.
If you have the bandwidth I’d investigate therapies or at least education available and suggest that to him AND your parents who are his carers. People don’t do this sort of thing if everything is going well. That doesn’t mean it’s up to you to magically solve everything, but if you can help identify some possible barriers or causes that would be meaningful (‘fat and lazy’ is not useful and something a lot of folks will throw around).
Please be mindful that this is a long-standing issue. Throwing money at rent isn’t going to make it go away. He needs actual help, and your parents probably do too to support him appropriately.”Jellygnite
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He is a grown adult. He can get a job and support himself.
You and your parents are enabling him to be a mooched.
Your parents want you to support your ADULT brother instead of your baby. Do you understand that?
They would rather your brother be a mooch rather than you save for emergencies, college for your baby, or retirement. What happens if you lose your job?
You will not have savings to fall back on. You, your wife, and your baby could be left homeless.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
So assuming you live in the US, let me do a breakdown for you.
Minimum wage jobs are awful, but very plentiful right now in any state in the USA.
They are not enough for any independent person to live on, but are ideal for a high school student who lives at home. Well, that’s your brother, at 28, he is living at home, so we can do a breakdown of him having a minimum wage job of let’s say $10 an hour.
If he worked 40 hours a week at that rate, he would make about $21k a year, so let’s say take-home pay of $15k.
Since he has no rent and can likely get free food at home too, let’s say he spends $500 a month on a cell phone bill and transportation, leaving him $9k.
This is a very conservative math breakdown. Meaning he could be saving $9k in just one year of working at the lowest-paid job we can find and preparing himself to move out. Given his age, he wouldn’t stay at minimum wage for long, and at some point, he was making enough of his salary to pay rent, so my guess is he wasn’t getting that low of a wage.
In one year of living at home, he would have enough to pay for and furnish an apartment, and then likely have a salary level to afford rent. He’s also had 10 years to enact this plan.
Why should this man take away a dime from your daughter? Every penny you spend on him is less money for braces, private school, dance classes, college, or an emergency fund should something happen.
He has had every opportunity in life and he has wasted them all, so why put him above your child’s present and future needs?
Give a firm no, then tell them there will be no money – zero – from you going forward. If it ever gets brought up again, you are exiting the conversation, and if they hound you about it, it will impact how much you visit and talk to them.
Done.” mfruitfly
8. AITJ For Leaving My Little Sister In A Cornfield During A Tornado Watch?
“I (15M) and my sister (4F) have not had a very close relationship.
My mom had an affair with another man and as a result, my sister was born, my mom got full custody in court so I can never see my dad without my mom’s permission which she would never give.
Since the day my sister has been born, I’ve been jealous of her because my stepdad and my mom favor her over me, which is surprising. After all, she acts like a spoiled brat but my mom and stepdad will give her whatever she wants, all the meanwhile neglecting me.
One day my mom and stepdad went out and forced me to babysit her instead of going out with my friends.
We went to a corn festival by my house, which has a corn maze and a corn field.
My sister and I went into the corn maze, and as we were walking through it, a storm started to appear.
By the time we got out, it was pouring. But suddenly, my sister ran straight toward the cornfield.
I yelled at her, ‘Come over here!’ And she responded with, ‘No, I don’t want to go home!’ and started to cry.
As she began to have a tantrum, one of the festival staff ran up to me and told me to get back quickly or we could get caught up in the storm, or more specifically, a tornado that was coming straight for our area.
I assumed that one of the rescue staff would come and save her, so without thinking, I left.
My sister and I both ended up fine and were able to get back to the main building at the entrance of the festival. When we got home, I explained this to my parents and they got extremely angry and grounded me for a month they also told my relatives and now they all think I’m a selfish teenager that doesn’t care about my sister’s life.
Now I look back and wonder if I’m in the wrong because I didn’t help protect my sister so… am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, she is only 4… You are misplacing your anger for your mom’s infidelity on her, she is not at fault for it.
How did your mom earn full custody of you if she was the unfaithful one? Are you able to email your father? Call him? Did you have a close relationship with him before? If so check the laws of your country you might be able to choose if you want to visit your dad, but he would have to ask for it in court.
I would honestly tell your mom… she is hurting you by keeping you away from your father, she is making you resent them all, and if this continues… she can be sure you will cut contact with them in the future once you are an adult.
As for your sister, thank the lord nothing happened to her, it would have been in your conscious and your heart for the rest of your life.
Treat her kindly. She is still too little to have a hand in how the adults screw up.
Good luck.” Lanky-Ad-1118
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It’s interesting that you included your whole family history to justify putting a toddler in danger. It seems like you desperately want to be seen and your feelings acknowledged. That is a pretty universal teenage experience.
You do matter. Your feelings and opinions matter. I’m sorry you feel second best against your mum’s choices.
But – none of it is your sister’s fault. She’s 4. Her brain is not capable of impulse control all the time, especially in a very stimulating and scary situation.
You cannot just leave her like that.
At that moment, you didn’t care about her life. You didn’t just pick her up, or notify anyone she was there. You just… left. I’m not sure you can see past yourself to understand how serious that is!
If you want to cry for help, don’t do it at the expense of your sister.” DarcSwan
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because of the way you describe your relationship with your sister. First of all, she’s only 4 years old! She doesn’t know anything about tornado watches, etc. She’s very much like a puppy, who needs to be taken care of, watched over, and led along. You don’t even have to like her!
You seem to think that she got frightened just to annoy you and make you look bad. Actually, she probably looked at that tall corn from the vantage point of her height and thought that it looked like a safe place to go into with the storm coming like a forest. Obviously, she had no idea, so you have to assume responsibility for your knowledge level compared to hers.
Now, at the age of 15, you have the right to go to court and say that you want to see your father. That should be a separate issue. I know it’s not easy seeing your family broken up, but taking it out on this little girl is just awful. Sorry that your mother seems to favor her over you.
Maybe she does, but that is definitely not your sister’s fault.” PandoraClove
Also, they were fine. No one was lost or injuried. You posters are treating OP like their mom and step-dad. Blaming and looking for reasons to punish and exclude.
Mom and step-dad are the jerks for creating this situation not the 15 year old poster.
7. AITJ For Not Cooking Breakfast For My Husband?
“I (30F) have been with my husband (29M) for 5 years. We share two kids (11 and 4) together. He works away for 2 weeks and is home on days off for 2 weeks. I am a stay-at-home mom. We share income.
While he is home he expects me to cook him a large breakfast (eggs and meat or something more extravagant) every single morning for him, on top of getting the kids and myself ready for school and the day.
I told him it overwhelms me a lot and it’s too much when I have to get the kids ready too. His solution was for me to wake up earlier but I told him that I overall just do not enjoy it. He thinks this is just part of my ‘job.’ I told him I’m not cooking breakfast for him anymore and he told me he will not pay for my gym membership anymore.
I think that’s very unfair. It would help me out if he learned how to cook his own breakfast. I offered to show him how or suggested watching YouTube videos. He refused. I also told him I still would cook on weekends and days kids don’t have school.
I just don’t understand why I am fully responsible for his breakfast when he is more than capable of cooking it on his own.
I’m sorry this is so silly but am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ
Your husband needs to get his head out of his own a**e. Getting kids and yourself ready for school in the morning is time-consuming and potentially stressful! Breakfast, potential fussy eaters, bags packed, teeth and getting dressed, potentially lost things, the day-to-day moods and issues from a pre-teen and young child… I could go on.
I have a 5-year-old and an 8-month-old so I get how overwhelming it can feel sometimes. I surely won’t cook a big breakfast first thing in the morning for anyone unless I know I have the time and am in a mentally good place!
If he’s not willing to look after himself while simultaneously bullying you by withdrawing access to your shared income I would find somewhere else to stay for a while.
Either alone to make him realize how much you do around the house, or with the kids to wake him up to the reality that his stubborn outdated attitude will cost him his family.
Do you have any friends or family who could help you out for maybe his next 2 weeks off?” Sylvie_1993
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I say it’s mainly your fault. By refusing to have a job and all the benefits and independence that come with it, you preferred to live the life of a housewife. What did you expect?
Women have fought for years to earn equal treatment, but this comes at a price (you need to get out of your cozy home and work – 4 and 11-year-old are old enough for daycare).
If you want to stay home and have the husband provide for you, as it happened 100 years ago, you accept his male-child tantrums too.
He’s a jerk too, he might as well cook his own food because he’s a grown-up man. But he doesn’t do it because you as a couple decided to live like in the ’60s.
Look at some old movies from those times to see the duties of the housewife.” esk_7140
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, not just a jerk, he is the pinnacle of misogynistic jerkery. Your husband should be cooking YOU breakfast. He works 2 weeks and then spends 2 weeks off thinking he’s on vacation.
Screw that nonsense. When is YOUR vacation? You work 24/7, 7 days a week all year round and it sounds like ur only break is the gym. And he wants to take that as punishment for daring to defy him. WOW.
Print up a dozen flyers of the cost breakdown of what a stay-at-home mom service would actually cost and wallpaper the doghouse with them because that’s where he deserves to sleep.
Oh and present him with a bill. Or better yet. Next time he’s home. Dump the laundry on his head. Hand over the kids and tell him you are going to the gym and then the spa and then lunch with the girls and the shopping but you expect him to have the housework done and dinner on the table when you return.” Any-Blackberry-5557
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your relationship seems really immature and the two of you are not communicating. The fact that you both jump to a solution of punishing the other person for not doing what you want is really telling about the overall health of your relationship. He sucks because he’s not just asking for breakfast he’s asking for an extravagant breakfast and he’s not compromising at all based on your energy levels in the morning.
You suck because the approach you’re taking is to just rage quit or to push it on him without any kind of actual conversation between two adults. He is in a position of power over you and I hope he doesn’t manipulate you like this all the time.
If you are a stay-at-home parent and part of that agreement is that you are making breakfast you need to thoughtfully discuss how to change that responsibility.
Especially when it’s only half the time because he’s away half the time.
It’s possible that you have signed up for something that is not going to work out for you and that might be a matter of changing the agreements between you or ending the relationship.” stormlight82
I don't know what he does that's 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off, but when he's off he's still a dad. Does he do anything when he's at home besides make demands on you? NTA
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Spend My Savings For My Mother-In-Law's Nursing Home?
“I’ve worked hard for years saving up to buy myself a great boat. I have over £30k in savings for this sole purpose. We have a separate ‘real’ savings account for emergencies.
My wife knows I’ve been saving up and supports me, and we share joint accounts and have had no financial issues. I’ve been looking forward to next summer when I can finally make my purchase.
The trouble is my mother-in-law is getting quite sickly, so my wife has been going over to her mum’s house fairly often this year to care for her.
My MIL lives alone now as my father-in-law has passed on. My wife takes turns with her brother every week to care for her-she has a colostomy bag and is needing more aid. We’ve hired a carer to help with some of the tasks (changing the bag, bathing, etc.) but my wife says she and her brother are getting physically tired. My wife works full-time as do I, and so does her brother.
My wife has asked if we can put her up in a nursing home, one with a qualified nurse to take care of her. I asked her how much it would cost per month, and she said it was around £800! I asked if her brother can halve it, but she said since he has a family of 5 so he can only practically give £100.
That would be £700 a month for us!
I told her we can just hire our current carer for 2 more hours a day for 4 days as she lives just down the block from my MIL (and is much cheaper), my wife is adamant that we put her up in a nursing home because it has a round-the-clock qualified nurse and comfortable rooms/equipment!
I said, we’re going to feel squeezed on funds if we do that-just hire the carer for more hours (the final cost for us would be around £350 on our end with her brother’s £100).
My wife had the bright idea that we can dip into my boat savings to support her mum in a nursing home and give us some financial cushion to not feel squeezed, I said not b****y likely!
I’ve been building that boat fund for several years and I’m about to buy one this coming summer, we’re not using my savings to put her up in a home with a professional nurse when there is a perfectly fine carer to help her on a day-to-day basis! Paying £700/mo would drain my fund which means no boat!
I told my wife if she wants to put her in a nursing home, her mum needs to sell her terrace house and use the proceeds to pay for her own nursing home costs.
My wife doesn’t want to put her mum up to this because she wants to keep the house in the family and have her mum in the nursing home!
I told her these were the two options on the table to meet her mum’s needs, but taking out of my boat fund so that she can have her cake and eat it too wasn’t an option. She called me selfish and accused me of being heartless for ‘choosing a stupid boat’ over her mum!
She accused me of putting the boat before her needs and comfort. It made me feel kind of bad and made me doubt.
Am I being unreasonable here? AITJ?
Edit: My wife helps her mum after she gets off work, bi-weekly (she switches off every week with her brother), so for 2 weeks out of the month she has no responsibilities for her mom.
During her week, a caretaker helps take care of her mum at key hours of the day for 4 days – she lives down the block. My wife’s mum needs some help with the bag, and has some mobility issues, but isn’t completely helpless. Her doctor is fine with either a nursing home or a more dedicated caretaker.
My wife will inherit the house one day.
My MIL wants to stay in her home. My wife and her brother would like her to have 24/7 care in a nursing home so they don’t have to switch off weeks.
Yes, I will actually be using my boat quite often. Hence, me saving for a boat… it would be quite stupid to spend so much money for one or two rides a month.
My wife does not have personal savings. We have a joint account and emergency savings together. I’m the only one saving, but for my boat.
The house will belong to my wife, not me. Her brother is older and already has a home with his family. He already got some other inheritance compensations from their father.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
While I am entirely sympathetic to wanting to keep the townhouse (I’m still sad about my grandmother’s house being sold), it needs to be sold to pay for your MIL’s care. Even if you liquidate your savings, that’s only going to last a couple of years.
Then what?
You and your wife and her brother need to meet with your MIL’s doctor and find out what level of care she needs, and then, if the decision is that she needs round-the-clock care (if she has a significant fall risk or mobility issues or memory problems, this answer is likely to be yes), it makes zero practical sense to keep the house.
Your MIL’s assets need to pay for her care.
Keep your savings, and enjoy your boat.” Eastern_Fox5735
Another User Comments:
“This is a huge decision with life-altering consequences for you, your wife, your MIL, and your marriage. You need to do some work to get to the right resolution.
You need to talk to MIL’s doctor about what care she needs. You blithely assume that a couple of extra hours of a carer is sufficient. Your wife disagrees. And since she is the one doing all the work, perhaps you should consider she may be right. You both need to find out.
You need to talk to specialists in elder affairs and estate planning to look at the financial issues. I don’t know how things work in the UK, but in the US there are government programs that help with nursing home costs if needed. Maybe you could buy MIL’s house and rent it out, giving her the funds for the nursing home, yet preserving the house, which is clearly very important to your wife.
AND most importantly, you guys need marriage counseling bc this has every potential of blowing up your marriage, and you don’t seem to realize how serious it is from your wife’s perspective.
No jerks here.” Aylauria
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The reality is that nursing homes are more like £800 a week, not a month (recently went through this with my partner’s elderly relative and it was 1k a week for anywhere remotely decent and that was in the North, so not as expensive as some other areas might be).
Your boat fund would be gone in 6 months and then she would have to sell the house, assuming her mother’s life expectancy is beyond that (which I’m inferring it is from the description of general care needed, no terminal illness).
On a practical level, you can contact the local authority to see if eg they can find the home either on a continuing care basis (I forget the exact wording, but there’s a way in which the NHS can fund care homes if it’s medically necessary) or on the basis that they pay upfront for the home and recover the costs from your MIL’s estate when she dies, thereby keeping the home in the family’s possession for now (but not solving the issue of inheritance as it would be sold then if the executors couldn’t pay back the care home costs out of liquid assets).
Ultimately though, a person’s care is to be paid for out of their assets. Any contribution from anyone else is very kind. Demanding someone else pay entirely for a person’s care when that person has assets, is extremely unfair. Your wife has to accept that she cannot have her cake and eat it; you are not in a position to independently fund the care home yourselves.
It is frankly quite selfish to ask you to drain your boat fund (and you would be, given the real costs of care homes) whilst her mother has assets. Depending on how long she lives and the value of her property, you may even find that you pay more for the care home, if she lives for years, than she would have if she had used her own assets up (and then came within the threshold for LA funding/assistance).
Also – if your wife has genuinely found somewhere where the total cost of care is £800 per month without being subsidized, please consider whether the standard of care is adequate. I wouldn’t put my mother in a care home that charged 20% of the going rate and I would be extremely concerned about the care provided.” sunkathousandtimes
5. AITJ For Stopping Cooking On The Weekends?
“I’ve been living with my friend for free for the last 2 years. On the weekdays he has people who cook and clean but on the weekends I used to do it since he was okay with just eating out and not tidying up which I didn’t like.
His brother has been staying here temporarily for the past month. Things were fine until he made a comment about how I was playing at being a housewife while I was cooking. I told him I wasn’t and he said it was cute which really upset me.
My friend did make his brother apologize to me but ever since I haven’t been cooking or cleaning at all.
My friend asked me if I would make a dish he liked this weekend and I told him I wouldn’t. When he asked me why I sarcastically said I didn’t want to play at being a housewife anymore. He got upset and we had an argument because he said his brother had apologized and I shouldn’t let what he said get to me because I knew his brother liked to say stupid things for a reaction.
He wants things to go back to normal but I told him it wouldn’t as long as his brother was here.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are far too sensitive. You should just have said that the majority of chefs are male and it’s a shame he now doesn’t get to eat your great food.
You don’t like it messy and now it will be. He pays for a cleaner, so he is not going to do it. You will now have to eat out even if you don’t want to. That’s called cutting off your nose to spite your face. It’s completely normal to cook and clean as an adult and I think it is a very minor payback for him letting you live there rent-free.
And it wasn’t even him who said it and he made his brother apologize.
I think you should get over your fragile masculinity and do favors for him as he is doing a massive favor for you.” thisisgettingdaft
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Assuming this cooking/cleaning is extra and not part of the roommate agreement, your roommate isn’t entitled to your extra labor.
Your roommate’s brother’s comment was really disrespectful and degrading. I would not be comfortable cooking and cleaning in a house with a man living there who told me that he viewed these actions as ‘playing housewife’ and ‘cute’. It’s not punishing the roommate for his brother’s actions because the brother is still there. Sounds like you’re planning on returning to your usual cooking/cleaning habits after brother leaves.
Although I think that if your roommate is whining about you saying no to cooking him his favorite meal, he’s not very respectful of your time/labor either.” charonthemoon
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – honestly, there’s nothing wrong with what he said if you take it as a compliment, but it’s good he apologized. There is nothing wrong with anyone cooking and cleaning and taking care of themselves.
Friend’s brother is ignorant of that fact, but just be confident in yourself. Instead of being confident, you’ve become bitter and petty towards someone who didn’t even do anything wrong.” CandidManic
4. AITJ For Taking Care Of My Biological Nieces Only?
“My brother has 3 daughters. Unfortunately, he passed away in 2014. His ‘wife’, let’s call her Mona, remarried another man, and they have 3 kids together. My mother and I did everything we could to help Mona with our nieces/granddaughters.
Taking them to school, babysitting. They are with me or my mum every weekend and Wednesday.
So when Mona had a child with her new husband, she asked us to babysit him. We said no problem. Then she had twins. Now the 6 kids are with us every weekend.
I cannot cope anymore. I have no social life. My mum is always grumpy and tired. I told her that I would only take the girls and that she can find another solution for her boys.
She sent dozens of texts, calling me selfish, how my brother would be ashamed. They aren’t his kids though!!
She told us, either we take care of the 6 or we will never see my 3 nieces again. AITJ?
Edit: Guess who called crying and apologizing? Mona! She said she was sorry for her behavior and wants to know if we could have my nieces this weekend or at least go back to our old arrangements.
She told us she would take care of her sons, but we need to keep the girls. She went as far as saying if we can ‘keep all three’, so she can ‘start all over again’. Ewww.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it would probably make more sense for you to cut down to every other weekend or once a month but still take all six, rather than spend the same amount of time babysitting but only taking half the kids, no?
Mona is definitely the jerk for being so ungrateful for all the help you’ve given and is continuing to give and threatening to cut you off from your nieces, but, in my opinion, there is probably a better solution for everyone to be found rather than you continuing to spend every weekend babysitting but only babysitting half the kids.
That’s not going to make your social life any easier.” AdverseCereal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Do not cave into her guilt and blame tactics. Your brother fathered three children. She doubles this. You are not responsible and it has cost you emotionally, financially, and so on. This woman is selfish and does not express a shred of gratitude.
It is common for a family with many children to approach 2 different families to watch the kids. SHE needs to solve this; not you.” DesertSong-LaLa
3. AITJ For Telling My Dad Not To Eat My Food?
“I (F27) live at home with my parents. I could afford to live on my own but I am saving funds by living there.
I pay rent and contribute to the household expenses like food and internet.
Nobody in the house has any food restrictions or anything.
While my folks do most of the grocery shopping I buy myself certain foods I really enjoy.
Just simple stuff I can heat up and eat whenever I’m peckish. In the freezer, I keep my stuff in a reusable grocery bag that zips closed and has my name on it. In the fridge and pantry I label any food that really matters to me.
I came home yesterday really looking forward to making myself a sandwich.
I had stopped off at the Italian market and gotten pistachio mortadella and a couple of ciabatta buns. I knew I had a bunch of provolone cheese in the fridge.
Or so I thought. My father had eaten it all. So off I go back to the market for more cheese.
When I get back I see him opening up my mortadella, so I asked him what he was doing. He said that he was hungry. I opened the fridge and pointed at the fact that it was full.
I took my food. I made up a couple of sandwiches for my evening and I went to my room.
When my mom came home, I heard him yelling at her. She came into my room and told me that I had upset him by not sharing. I would have if he asked. In all honesty, if he had told me in advance, I would have picked up enough food for both of us to get stuffed. But he was going to eat it without asking and leave me with the choice of Esther making yet another trip to the store or making something else that I didn’t want.
I am considering just buying a mini fridge for my stuff and leaving it in my room.
Edit: I am not in any way related to the guy who ate the shrimp.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need the mini fridge in your room. Put anything that you don’t intend to share in your room.
It is terrible when you know you have something at home in the fridge and you look forward to eating it only to find out someone else ate it. Even if it was an accident it is disappointing. If your Father has any special requests he should make them of whoever is doing the shopping.
They do sell refrigerator lock boxes on Amazon, and that might work and be a little cheaper than a mini fridge. I don’t think you are stingy. It is just unreasonable for you to buy double what you need on the off chance someone wants some. I hate throwing out deli meat that wasn’t eaten in time.” ContentedRecluse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Get your mini fridge to keep stuff in that you really do not want anyone getting into. Buy a lock for it too and if someone whines, then you know they are in your room rummaging for the goods. You pay rent, buy food, and help with a bill.
You are entitled to enjoying meals you buy for yourself. If he had been asking you instead of just taking, then you would at least know what was getting low and prepare better so you don’t have to go in and out just to enjoy something you really wanted. Mini fridge and lock.” ConfectionExtra7869
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re only solution is the mini-fridge. Your dad tattling on you to your mother like you’re a mean kid who’s not sharing the communal toys is ridiculous.
You are an adult who contributes to the household expenses, you should get the respect you are due. What you have if you look at your situation from a distance is an issue where one of your roommates does not respect you and is stealing your food.
You need to treat him like a thieving roommate and protect your food.” JCBashBash
2. AITJ For Not Going To My Dad's Funeral?
“So I (14f) have lived with my brother, ‘Max’ (29m) for eight years. I moved in with him after my mum passed away. Originally, my dad (50m) was supposed to take me in, but he couldn’t because he ‘had a new family and didn’t want me staining his perfect life’.
When I was 11, he reached out to me over social media and started forming a relationship with me. Long story short, I cut him off after I found out his reasoning. His daughter, my half-sister, ‘Ella’ (9f) needed a kidney transplant. Apparently, I was now my father’s hero and greatest treasure.
I don’t know the full story, but I do know that Ella did end up getting a transplant and survived. My dad reached out a few more times over the years, mainly to scold me for not trying to be in his life or accepting him as my father and his wife as my mum.
Anyway, about 4 months ago, I got a call from my dad’s wife ‘Lola’, telling me that my dad had passed away and how I needed to be at the funeral, which happened yesterday.
I didn’t go. As cruel as I may sound, I feel no love for my dad, he was never there for me and has proved over and over that he’s never had a want, need, or reason to be in my life.
To me, he’s a sperm donor. I do feel guilty for this, as he’s my dad and I’m supposed to love him, but the truth is that I don’t.
So this morning I got another call from Lola telling me I’m an awful daughter and my dad never deserved what I’d done to him.
She said she and Ella would never forget this and that I’m ‘a pathetic excuse for a daughter’. She also insulted Max, calling him a bad influence, a child, and an enabler.
I responded by saying that if my ‘pathetic excuse of a father’ couldn’t be bothered to be in my life, I would not be involved in his.
I told her that my father may be physically dead now, but to me, he always has been, and she has no right to come at me for any choice I make as she’s not my mother.
Then I hung up. Since then, my dad’s family and Lola’s have been calling and texting me about it all, and I’m so overwhelmed. Max says I did the right thing but I don’t know.
I yelled at a grieving woman who just lost her husband and I feel terrible.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He only contacted you when he needed something for his other daughter. Not even because he was interested in you and your life and wanted to actually be a father.
You told Lola the truth. People tend to dislike the truth if it isn’t in their favor.
You could send out a mass text telling them that you were not present at his funeral simply because he wasn’t present in your life, only when it could benefit him and his other family.
Tell him what you told Lola. Tell them that if they really wanted you present at his funeral then they should have kicked his behind years ago and told him then to be a decent father.” nerothic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Here’s what I’m hearing…
You were 6 when your mom died and your ‘dad’ wouldn’t take you because you’d ‘ruin’ his new family.
Then he thinks he has the right to one of your kidneys for his ‘better’ daughter. Now your dad’s family is coming out of the woodwork to say how awful you are. Where were they when your 21-year-old brother took you – a 6-year-old (!) – in?
You are were – and still are – a child.
Your dad was an adult. One who was supposed to be responsible for you. The ‘you hurt him’ thing is nonsense. He was an adult who should have understood that you’re a child who might do/say stupid things and not get personally offended as if you were an adult doing/saying whatever you may have done.
He failed you, not the other way around. His wife may be grieving, but she’s also an adult who should see this. Everyone except for your brother failed you.
I’m glad your brother is sticking up for you and has your back. He’s absolutely right that you don’t owe them anything, and that you’re allowed to feel how you feel.
And don’t let anyone tell you that ‘you should love your father because he’s your father, you only have one father’. That’s nonsense. And ignorant. Live your life and block these jerks.” 10_ol
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t owe anyone your presence at his funeral and as you said he wasn’t there for you until he ended up needing something from you, which was downright disrespectful especially considering he refused to step up and parent you when your mother passed away, as you said he wasn’t anything to you other than a donor.
As for his wife, parents, and anyone else in his family who mistreats you, ask them all where were they and why didn’t they step up for you when your mother passed away. then calmly and firmly tell them that they aren’t your family as they made that crystal clear and that they are just as bad as he was and you don’t have any room in your life for them or their stuff and if they don’t stop the harassment of you then you will report them to the police.
Block them all.” G8RTOAD
1. AITJ For Refusing To Be Responsible For Raising My Husband's Half-Siblings?
“My husband was told three months ago that his father, who he was estranged from, and his father’s wife, had passed away in an accident and he had been listed as the person to become guardian to their two young children.
My husband had no idea his father had done this. He never actually met those children. He was estranged from his father by the time the older of the two was born, though he did know the older child existed.
My husband told the person who called that he was not willing to become their guardian.
The person understood and what ended up happening is my husband’s aunt took the kids. This is his father’s sister.
She wants my husband to take them still. She has reached out countless times to convince him to meet the kids and form a relationship and see if he could build up to wanting them.
He has no interest in this. After my husband blocked her and stopped responding completely, she decided to show up at the house while I was working. She told me we needed to talk and proceeded to tell me I could decide we are taking them and I could be the person to make the first step.
She told me they were just as much my responsibility, as my in-laws, as they are my husband’s, and that they are children who are orphaned and don’t need the family history being the reason they never know their brother.
The family history is my husband’s mother passed away when he was 17.
His father was having an affair while she was sick. The affair partner became his wife. My husband never forgave him and left before he turned 18 and before their oldest child could be born.
I told the aunt I had no responsibility to raise the kids, and that I was not going to raise them if my husband wasn’t interested. I told her if SHE doesn’t want them she should say so, but she should not try to force them into a home where they are unwanted and unloved. I told her it was tragic for the kids but they are not my children.
She called me heartless and told me that as a woman I should be ashamed to be married to someone who would discard flesh and b***d children over the actions of adults. I made her leave.
I had to then block her on my work phone because she attempted to reach me there to tell me once again that I am this bad person.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“This aunt is more than a bit pushy, someone needs to let her know she’s not in charge. Honestly, I would have her served with a restraining order. Your FIL was a huge jerk here and his sister isn’t much better.
It sucks that the kids are being turned into pawns in this whole scenario as they haven’t done anything wrong.
Seeking a relationship with your husband would have been one thing, and he would still be perfectly within the lines of decency to not even want that but to try to force orphaned children into the home of a total stranger that doesn’t want them is garbage-tied behavior.
NTJ” Smuff23
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should’ve repeated everything she said back to her. Why is she harassing you? These kids are not YOUR flesh and b***d, but it’s hers. Sad that the kids got orphaned but you are making the right choice, you do not want these kids, and they come with a whole lot of painful memories for your husband, it will be very difficult for you guys to create a nurturing environment for them when you know that you do not want them, it might create more trauma as well as they’re bound to realize that one way or the other.” bumblebee7310
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The aunt is. You and your husband are not responsible for her delusions or her savior complex.
She took the kids in with a clear agenda of not actually doing the work of raising them herself but pawning them off on you guys… but I suspect there’s something more happening here.
Unfortunately, it’s probably time for you and your husband to contact a lawyer, (your own), and find out all the particulars about the estate and the will from the attorneys who handled your late estranged in-laws estate… because it’s VERY suspicious that there was a will that left the kids to your husband, but no financial provisions?
No life insurance? No bank accounts or savings or assets of any kind for the kids or raising them?
I think auntie may have got a big check that went along with custody and now wants to enjoy a new child-free lifestyle.” Myay-4111
