People Are Restless In Getting Judgment For Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Leave My Partner's Birthday Party That I Threw?
“My (f29) partner (m34) is a doctor, Most of his friends are from work and they all seem to dislike me and act distant maybe cause I’m not a doctor too. I don’t know and don’t care honestly, since we started going out they’ve been asking to hang out without me and they leave any event I’m at.
My partner said they’re just taking their time to get used to me.
Anyways, his birthday was days ago, I’d arranged for the party and paid for everything. It wasn’t a surprise since the party was held at a restaurant, and he needed heads-up so he could invite his doctor friends.
We got there then his friends started arriving, They came to greet him and started shaking his hand and hugging him while completely ignoring me though I was there next to him!
The tension started when one of them started making remarks about the way I dressed, I sucked it up but another friend started interrogating me about my degree then implying I was ignorant of my food choice (WHAT?). An hour later another one asked if I could leave because they wanted to discuss work stuff and it’s confidential. I was so shocked I laughed asking why he thought it was appropriate to discuss work during a party and he replied that I had an ‘attitude’.
An argument ensued and they ‘demanded’ that I leave but I said absolutely not, My partner finally spoke up after it escalated and asked that I keep the peace and go home but I refused and reminded him and let his friends know that I’d arranged for this party and paid for it and so they should leave since they’re just ‘guests’.
He pulled me aside and begged me to go home after they said if I don’t leave then they will but I still refused. They left, all of them, and the party was cut short. My partner was upset and started complaining at home that I ruined his birthday the minute I started arguing with his friends.
I told him they were being disrespectful to me but he said I was wrong too cause they said they wanted to discuss medical stuff and I should’ve respected that and not made it ‘personal’.
He’s not speaking to me now, I was so hurt I couldn’t argue anymore, I felt like I ruined his birthday by making a scene like he said and acting passive-aggressive.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s an easy way to discuss work without breaching confidentiality, you don’t name the person or give away any identifiable information. It ain’t hard. They didn’t want you there, are super rude and your partner is pathetic for not standing up to them or at least trying to calm things down.
I’d have left, but that’s because staying where I’m not wanted makes me want to cry so you’re tougher than me! I think your relationship has more going wrong than just his friends being jerks. We’ve all got/had a friend whose partner we don’t really care for, but it’s their partner, and you respect and love your friend, so unless they’re abusive you tolerate them and make the effort.
Your partner did nothing but agree and beg you to leave. He needs to explain exactly what the issue is or he needs to go.” Filhopastry79
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your partner’s friends were being jerks AND breaking privacy rules, by even trying to discuss patients’ confidential info in a public restaurant. (It’s almost certain the patient isn’t a patient to all of them, which is possibly another privacy violation.) But, it’s even more likely they had zero intention of discussing patient care and were simply going to share work stories and used ‘privacy’ to say you can’t be there.
Your partner not standing up for you is a HUGE red flag. You arranged and paid for a party, that his friends attempted to turn into a work bull session and used ‘privacy’ to kick you out and he said, nOtHiNg to defend you. Please let this be the last party you plan for him.
He doesn’t deserve it or you.” Senior-Term-635
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have had the displeasure of working with a number of MDs. Now not all were bad but a number were incredible jerks. From a corporate perspective I ‘outranked’ most of them and that just really hacked them off because someone with ‘just a BA’ should not be more highly ranked. In any case, it’s almost like they are taught to be obnoxious jerks.
This is never going to change with these people.
The fact your partner didn’t stand up for you but rather bought into this obnoxious behavior speaks volumes about his character. This also will never change. If you want to be treated badly and second class (more like the lowest possible class!) stay with him.
If you don’t want that, and I hope you don’t, I would ditch him instantly.
Best of luck moving forward but unfortunately, many of these types are so toxic, narcissistic, and self-absorbed that they just aren’t worth the bother.” SouthernGentATL
16. AITJ For Not Picking My Mom To Give The Power Of Attorney?
“So, I had heart failure earlier this year, and also ended up with diabetes. I decided I need a medical POA just in case things go horribly south.
Now, I didn’t pick my wife.
Simply because she’s almost too empathetic. Meaning, if there’s a very slim chance of surviving, she might want to try for that slim chance, and not realize what I might come out of that situation like.
Well, I decided that I would choose my aunt, as she lives near me, and has experience working in the medical field.
I also told her that in the event that something happens, I would like everyone to know what’s going on, and for my wife to have a say (but not necessarily the final decision) on what happens.
Well, I told my mother what my decision is, and she freaks out that I didn’t choose her because she gave birth to me, and we don’t get to see each other very much (despite being fairly separated geographically, when she moved cities), and she raised me.
I acknowledged her feelings and tried to explain that she lives 350 miles away from me when she moved 9 years ago, and I wanted someone who could be present at a moment’s notice, and that my aunt has medical experience.
Her rebuttal was that she could be on a zoom meeting and Google can explain everything to her I’d need be, and she’d never do anything to hurt me.
She’s never worked in the medical field, and I have trouble trusting Google searches when it comes to Healthcare, as a (now former) medical professional myself.
So, my question is, AITJ for deciding to assign my Aunt as my medical POA over my mother?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but what you should do is sit down and discuss with your wife and aunt in specific detail exactly what you want in certain situations… go through them one by one, painful as it may be.
There are forms that can help you with decision-making around the end of life, and it’s much better if you make these choices early. It shouldn’t be about what your wife, aunt, or mother want. They need to be clear about what you want. Ambiguity around your choices can turn into conflict, which is the last thing your loved ones need during hard times.
All the best mate.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But this is a case of oversharing. Your mother didn’t need to have this information. You could have saved yourself a huge headache by utilizing a need-to-know strategy. Learning to keep things private and not oversharing will be a valuable life skill and since you have already had the negative consequence of not using it, it should be much easier going forward.
If you were raised to be an oversharer, you have my sympathies, it is hard to overcome, but very worth it, especially if you have children.” Hufflepuffknitter80
15. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out?
“Yesterday, one of my roommates ‘pranked’ me and my other roommate. Let’s call the one that ‘pranked’ us Lucy and the other roommate Andrea. Andrea and I recently got a new kitten which is now six months old, I’ve caught Lucy trying to feed my kitten serrano peppers, and calling her dirty and nasty, which already doesn’t make me like her.
Now, yesterday I and Andrea went on a quick grocery run to get our kitten some food. Lucy then calls Andrea frantically saying that our cat fell from the eighth floor (where we live) and that our kitten has passed away. She even sent us a picture of our cat on the little crevice in our Juliet balcony (which I had told her the day before to not allow her on there) so of course, we started to freak out.
Andrea started nervously laughing asking her multiple times if this was a joke and Lucy said that it wasn’t and that she had called management to dispose of our kitten’s stiff body. She kept describing the body and kept giving very detailed descriptions of what was going on. After sobbing for around twenty minutes in the car, I and Andrea finally got the courage to go up to our apartment just to find our kitten looking out the window and Lucy sitting on the couch laughing at us.
I am now heavily considering moving but Andrea said that I’m doing too much. I do not feel safe leaving my kitten with her around. I haven’t told anyone else about my plans of moving out but I’m sure I would be the jerk in their eyes for making Lucy seem like a bad person because of this ‘joke’.
Edit: Andrea and lucy have been friends since before Andrea met me, so this is why I’m sure Andrea won’t listen to me. we also have two other roommates, one already planning to leave and the other is part of Lucy and Andrea’s ‘group’ and she already sided with Lucy.
Yes, we did ask for permission to get a cat, lucy was with us when we adopted the kitten as well.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d definitely move out… But you bought a house pet in a situation where you had multiple housemates? I can understand why she would be upset. I can NOT understand how she is choosing to handle it because that’s just messed up but… having a stinky litter box around when you didn’t sign up for that would be pretty annoying.
I’m speaking as a cat mom. Even when they are kept scooped twice daily, they still have a residual stink. I would never have been so ballsy to get a cat while I was a roommate.” Sad-Notice-309
Another User Comments:
“There are a lot of things to consider, are you on the lease? Are all three of you on the lease?
Is the kitten allowed on the lease as well? If you were to suddenly move out and not take Andrea with you, will the kitten be left there or go with you? It sounds like you need to have a sit-down discussion with all roommates to go over the kitten issue. Just let Lucy know how the prank made you both feel, and that it made you both very uncomfortable living with her.
If she’s able to move out, ask her if that’s an option for her if she’s not happy living there with a kitten. If you just up and leave you could possibly get into legal/financial problems depending on the apartment situation. I don’t think YTJ here. But there’s a lot to consider before making such a dramatic exit.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve had an ex kill one of my kittens before, it really does suck when people can’t just accept them.” GovernmentAdmirable
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – that was not a joke. More a prank that was meant to only be funny to her and upset you.
She did it to laugh at causing you pain and called it a joke. That’s an easy cop-out when you do some evil stuff and want the person you hurt to take the blame. Who cares what other people say? Many people who side with her outwardly probably still think it was effed up but won’t admit it because of various reasons.
I’d feel like moving too. She sounds like a loose cannon.” Orphan_Izzy
14. AITJ For Using The Bathroom During A Family Dinner?
“My (26F) husband (34M) has never been much of a person to yell or get mad, he’s very laid back.
His mother, on the other hand, is insane. My MIL (68) screams at both him and me, and although I have tried to get my husband to stand up to her before, he always brushes it off as normal motherly behavior and that she’s just doing her best to care for both of us whenever possible (which is absolutely not true).
Both sides of our family had been wanting to have a huge family reunion, and because of recent financial gains, we decided this could be a great time to have it. We planned out the reunion and invited everybody from our families and let them know we were having a big family reunion.
On the night we went out, we got to the restaurant early to make sure our reservations were in place, which they were.
We waited for our family members to arrive, and guess who arrived first? MIL was very annoying right off the bat and nitpicked everything wrong with each of us, how we were dressed, how our hair was, etc. She kept going on and on and it was extremely annoying to listen to, but eventually more people started to arrive and we were eventually seated at our table.
After we had ordered our food, I could feel my stomach rumble but not in a good way. I politely gestured to my husband that I needed to use the restroom. As I got up, my chair screeched out from beneath me and everyone looked up at me. My MIL had been telling everyone a story and looked taken aback.
She asked me to excuse myself, what are you doing? I answered that I really had to use the restroom and that I hoped it would be okay if I interrupted her in the middle of her story. She glared at me and straight up said no, I wasn’t allowed to go, it was unladylike, and that I was being a jerk trying to take away the attention.
I was shocked that she would say such a thing in front of everyone and almost everyone on my side of the family gasped.
It was an awkward couple of seconds before she asked me if I would stop being such a jerk and sit down already. I politely told her that I really needed to use the restroom again, but this time she started screaming about how she didn’t care and how incompetent I was, how I was a bad wife, etc. This is the part where I think I may be the jerk – I yelled right back at her and told her to stop being a jerk to everybody all the time.
I ran out of the restaurant and found another building where I went to the bathroom.
After I left the building I checked my phone to call my husband, but he already texted me saying that I was immature and I embarrassed him in front of his family by being a huge jerk. I was pretty shocked but I was soon bombarded by messages from his family saying how I made MIL cry, that this was all my fault, she was just trying to help, etc.
I’m not sure what I should do and I feel like a total jerk. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were pushed by your MiL and you pushed back. It’s really disappointing that your husband still prioritizes his mom over you.
The behavior of your MIL’s family is typical of a family with a member who everyone is constantly trying to appease to ‘keep the peace’.
Rather than deal with her outbursts, they’ve learned to accept her nonsense, because it minimizes the overall emotional impact. But then they expect everyone else to do the same. Meanwhile, when you’re looking in from the outside, it’s like you’re in the Twilight Zone.
It sounds like you need to have some serious conversations with your husband about his mother.
Perhaps facilitated by a couples counselor.” catanddogtor
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – The family can*******. You were trying to be polite and accidentally made noise trying to excuse yourself. If I can give you solid advice, never ask for permission to do anything from your MIL. You’re an adult and can freely use the restroom, or dump yourself in front of everyone… The latter would’ve been more humiliating for all of you and I would have straight up given her that choice audibly…
My own mother picks apart everyone she sees on their looks (mostly women). We were watching a murder show and every time they’d show a picture of the victim my mother would say ‘She’s got such a big nose! GOD, her nose is huge!’ After about 6-7 times hearing this I said ‘Well YOU have an ugly heart!’ The nasty comments stopped immediately.
Keep setting boundaries or remove yourself from her toxicity entirely and without guilt. You can let your husband continue to have a relationship with her, but you are not obligated to expose yourself to her verbal mistreatment. Your husband should be sticking up for you, not pandering to her whims. I had a sit down with my MIL and set firm boundaries with my husband’s support and her rude remarks have mostly stopped. I am more comfortable calling out her nonsense.
Good luck.” Jennabear82
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your MIL’s family is enabling her behavior by not calling her out. They seem pretty deluded as well, I mean, how on earth could anyone at that dinner suggest ‘she was just trying to help’?
As for your husband saying you’re the jerk. Good grief! Hubby being laid back and chill seems to mean he wants to bury his head in the sand to avoid conflict, but it’s time for that to end.
You and he need to have a proper conversation about your MIL and his attitude towards you and her. He needs to understand not only how MIL makes you feel, but also how his siding with her makes you feel as well. Possibly, he needs to realize how dysfunctional his relationship with MIL is as well – if he’s put up with her behavior his entire life and made excuses for her, he, for want of a better word, is a victim of hers as well and he needs to deal with the fact his mother isn’t the caring woman he thinks she is.” Click_for_noodles
13. AITJ For Body-Shaming My Partner's Friend?
“I (F22) met my partner Mike (M32) sometime in July after he came to my dad’s gym because he was friends with a trainer there. Now we are both very active people and share a love for the same sport. Kickboxing.
We were long-distance because for a while because I had a client In Vegas and couldn’t go home for a while.
Ever since I got back we went on multiple dates with his buddy Jeff and partner Kat.
I like all his friends except Sally(F26). She will text him all the time and has no boundaries.
4 weeks ago and it was the first time at a group gathering. And honestly, I love these guys but Sally kept making really weird comments about my body.
Sally is a bigger woman and kept asking about my fitness plan and I got really uncomfy and offered to make her one for free but she insisted and I gave in so as not to look rude.
Now in there along with exercise is also my meals and when she saw that she started joking saying no wonder I’m a twig I barely eat and when Mike came she told him he should be worried about my eating habits and Mike said it’s no one’s business what anyone eats but she kept making snide comments.
After a while I noticed Mike hanging less with the whole group and asked him about it which he shrugged off.
Well, Kat texted me and asked if we have any plans because she wanted to invite us to her NYE party. I asked Mike and he said he wasn’t feeling good but when he saw my disappointment he caved in.
When we got there Jeff asked about boxing for his sister and me before I even talked Sally said: ‘If she’s looking to be skin and bones take OP’s advice.’ I excused myself and went to cool off.
We went to the living room and Sally’s brother Noah started joking saying I’m too pretty for Mike and whatnot.
Then Sally said, ‘I think Mike is so attractive anyone he dates would fade out.’ Kat took me to the kitchen and told me not to listen to her because she is really insecure.
As the night goes on I get more wasted and when the timer for NYE starts we were on the balcony and Sally kept saying no kiss because there are singles out here which went ignored. After we shared an amazing NYE kiss she started crying and went off on me and Mike telling him she was gonna hit the gym this year for him and how he promised to work out with her and then turned to me and started saying that at least she doesn’t starve herself to look skinny to which intoxicated me replied obviously you don’t and don’t blame me because a man doesn’t want you.
Mike then went off on Jeff and Kat because apparently he already declined the offer to the party before and Jeff kept saying he feels horrible we just left.
The next morning Noah sent me a text message telling me how his sister suffers from body issues and how hard it is for her to watch the man she loves to be with someone she can never be and how my comment made her hate herself even more and I’m such a jerk for body shaming her when my job is to make people love themselves.
I feel like such a jerk now.”
Another User Comments:
“I absolutely hate it when people who are bigger feel as though they’re entitled to make fun of those who are smaller. And then they always have the audacity to say I have body issues. We all have body issues we are skinny people who were just told from a young age that we are not allowed to go make fun of other people’s body issues because you guys might be sensitive.
Unfortunately bigger people weren’t taught the same thing. This is an example of stupid game-stupid prizes and you did nothing wrong in fact your bottle was the perfect amount of sassy without going to the jerk region. NTJ.” Ambitious-Screen
Another User Comments:
“OP NTJ, she body shamed you for being fit. She was jealous and insecure.
She kept picking on you. You cannot be the victim if you are the aggressor. As a fitness person, her mental health is the reason she is overweight. She needs deep therapy to come to the reality that the person she wants is not into her like that. Brother is enabling. She also needs to work on herself and her self-esteem to obtain her goal of being fit.
Honestly, some guys are totally not into skin and bones so she needs to shed weight for herself and not anybody else.
OP be the best you that you can be. You can only do so much and realize it is ok to be human and defend yourself. Honestly, she had it coming as much as she verbally attacked you and the other couple saw it too.
A person can only take so much harassment before the cutting words come out wasted or not.” princess07306
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not your job to protect her feelings. You tried to be polite and ignore the things she was throwing but everyone has limits. I don’t understand why people here insist OP’s need to be ‘the bigger person’ and not sink to other’s levels.
If you’re being harassed constantly and are forced to choose between dropping an insult to get them to back off or leaving your friends, you seem stuck with an obvious choice. Sally wants Mike and he’s tried to separate himself from her. Her unrequited love is not your problem until she makes it yours.
Her brother is protective but he needs to understand her behavior has been unreasonable all along and she should grow up.” giantbrownguy
12. AITJ For Telling My Ex To Get Himself Together?
“I (33F) have a 4yo daughter with my ex (40M). We have been separated for 3 years now. I was basically his slave and really mistreated me. I left with the clothes on our backs and that’s it.
I managed to find a place that was in my price range even if it was in a bad neighborhood and a job that paid more to be able to pay for everything on my own. My daughter had her own fully furnished bedroom with a nice amount of toys and it was ok.
During that time my ex, who only has a 24h/week custody, kept putting me down for my living situation because he owns his house and makes 4 times my salary.
A year later, I met my soon-to-be husband. He and my daughter have a great relationship, he cares a lot about her and when he’s here, my ex doesn’t try to put me down, even though he keeps doing it by text. Fast forward 2 years and we now have a baby, bought and renovated a house with an inside pool and spa in the nicest neighborhood in our city and my daughter has a nicer room with a walk-in closet.
I have a better job and manage my small business on the side. We still don’t earn as much as my ex and we don’t care at all.
Monday evening, my daughter came and told us that she doesn’t want to sleep at her father’s place anymore because her PJs over there are too small for her so she has to sleep with her day clothes on and she feels dirty because he doesn’t bathe her nor changes her undergarments.
I was floored and my SO told her that we won’t force her to go if she didn’t want and that we would talk to her dad about it.
Tuesday morning, her dad came to walk her to school and he made a snarky comment about a stain on her shoes and how I could buy her some new ones if I didn’t spend all my funds on my house and my baby and I flipped out.
I told him that he was arrogant to say anything when he is not even able to properly wash either our kid or his house and to tell me how to spend money when he won’t buy her clothes, undergarments, or even a PJ that fits and that the only thing she owns at his place are hand-me-downs from her cousins who got them from other kids.
He walked out furious telling me I was a bad mother for saying that in front of our daughter. And since that, his mother and sister have called me to say that I was out of line.
So am I the jerk?
Edit: Tonight, I sat down with my daughter and told her it was not okay for me to yell at her father and that I didn’t want her to think it was her fault in any kind of way.
I also told her that I was sorry and we picked her a new outfit and PJ for the next time she goes there. She told me her dad said that it was because of my bad attitude and because I kept arguing with him that we split up in the first place and now because of me he is sad, all alone in his house.
But she told me that he could go to the store and buy a wife if he didn’t want to stay alone. Kids are funny sometimes.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because your ex sounds like a piece of work, but you’re edging in the direction of ‘everyone sucks here’ for two reasons: You brought it up in front of your kid, and you weaponized a thing your kid told you, which puts her in an awkward spot with her dad.
Get custody locked down tight in the courts if it’s not already, and document this kind of thing. You’re doing a good job supporting your daughter and listening to her concerns, so go you, and keep it up. But you need ‘hey, daughter doesn’t want to sleep over because her PJs are too tight and she doesn’t have appropriate changes of clothes’ to be a conversation between adults, not a comeback when he’s a jerk.
And again, he sounds like a total jerk. But you gotta be the bigger person in co-parenting, especially in front of your daughter. Don’t put her in a place where she feels like she has to defend her dad, or where she gets in trouble with him for telling you what’s going on at his house.
Document it, and get his overnights taken away in the court. Do it by the book so he can’t claim you’re keeping his kid from him.” Ewithans
Another User Comments:
“NTJ/Everyone sucks here.
The thing I would note is that your daughter had raised an issue that was occurring at his house. Then instead of talking to the ex without the daughter present about what is going on.
You weaponized the information in front of your daughter.
The reason that makes you NTJ is mostly that there was a limited time between that reveal from your daughter and the exchange with the Ex.
But I’d also consider what message that sends your daughter. Within a day of getting some information. You used it in a fight with your Ex in front of her.
Your EX sounds like a piece of work. But at the same time maybe there are reasons some of those things fell through the cracks the way they have, and the behaviors that caused them weren’t rectified.
Maybe he’s too daft to realize that her PJs don’t fit anymore. Maybe there was a time when they became laxer about bathing.
But this is your life you likely have far more information that is useful in that regard. I’m mostly projecting things I could see my dumb a**e doing on accident. Though if the daughter raised any of these issues with him before telling you guys, then there’s no excuse at all.” ArcticKnight79
Another User Comments:
“NTJ/Everyone sucks here.
While I don’t agree with having this conversation in front of your daughter, cause well, I don’t have to explain myself on this one. Your daughter saw you stand up for her. If you really did ‘flip out’ you may have scared her a bit. My suggestion (as someone who does not have their own kids, but had a less-than-pleasant dad) would be to talk to her about it.
Apologize for the way you spoke. But find a way to explain to her that not having proper clothing isn’t okay and that advocating for yourself is okay. She shouldn’t grow up thinking she should stay quiet to keep the peace, cause she won’t really have any peace. Doesn’t matter if it’s her dad, or teacher, or a playground bully.
Also, sole custody, obviously.” bingpotforthewin
11. AITJ For Being Annoyed That My Husband Chose To See His Daughter After Surgery?
“I (33F) have been with my husband (37M) ‘Ryan’ for 3 years, he has a 15-year-old daughter from his previous marriage that he shares custody of.
He got involved in a car accident 2 weeks ago and had to undergo surgery that was scheduled days earlier. No one else besides me was at the hospital and I remember waiting there for him for hours. After he was cleared for visitation he actually requested to see his daughter. I was confused because she wasn’t even there yet he wanted to see her before anyone else though I was there waiting for hours, while his daughter just…
happened to get there on time for a visit (her mom brought her to him).
She stayed there for the entirety of the visit and I was only allowed to go in within the last 10 minutes of the visit, I didn’t say anything though I was extremely hurt but I figured he was on medication then he wasn’t completely aware but knew I was there first and still had my stepdaughter go in first.
I brought it up with him later and opened up to him about how I felt when he didn’t want to see me first and he told me that his request to see his daughter first was a no-brainer and that if he was about to die he’d still choose to see her first. I told him how dismissive and inconsiderate that was of him since I literally was there the whole time and he ignored that and he was actually shocked that I made a big deal out of it and was ‘guilting’ him for being doing something instinctively while on meds like wanting to see his daughter.
He clearly misunderstood my point and my argument but still insisted I was being ridiculous for trying to ‘call him out’ on it as if he was asking to see his ex and told me to get over it which was incredibly hurtful of him.
It’s just the lack of appreciation and recognition I got after waiting on him for hours feeling worried and anxious just for him to have his daughter in there first and making me wait again.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Ugh, this is hard. I totally understand a parent wanting to see his child first so his desire to see her makes sense. He obviously loves his daughter and it would be natural for him to want to ensure that she was comforted while dealing with his near-death experience
What seems odd to me is that he may have expressed that he didn’t want to see anyone else before he saw his daughter. OP: could this be due to some other issue going on with them (like the daughter could have told him she doesn’t feel like a priority since he married OP)? If so, it at least puts his stance in context.
But when they got married OP’s husband legally became part of her family and vice-versa. She’s the one who has a duty to take care of him and she’s legally his next of kin. As the wife, OP absolutely can feel hurt that the man she made a promise to stick by in sickness and in health seems to have not cared whether or not he saw her.
There seems to be some couples therapy needed here to help them align their expectations.” LaNOd1va
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are not the jerk for saying that you felt hurt by the decision. Because I’m sorry to the child-crazy people but your spouse deserves respect and consideration too. You can’t just throw out any care for them just because children are involved. Should the children and their well-being be your first priority: Absolutely.
That does not mean you get to completely dismiss and disregard the feelings and sacrifices of your significant other (SO). If that is what you are going to do, then be a single parent and don’t have an SO.
OP, you would have been a jerk if you threw a big tantrum about it or went to the daughter or did something crazy but this post doesn’t read like this is what happened. You simply brought up your feelings on the subject because it hurt you.
Whether it ‘should’ have hurt your feelings is very subjective and is just an insane thing to assume for a stranger on the internet. The point is you did feel hurt and you tried to talk about it, which is valid.
Was he a jerk for wanting to see his daughter first and spend a lot of time with her?
No. But if you are choosing to be with someone as their life partner to me that means you are making a commitment to care and value their wellbeing and feelings just like you would be committed to the same for your kids. That means that even though he was completely justified in what he did, that also means that when you brought up your feelings he should have acknowledged how what he did looked like to you and had an adult conversation about where your priorities lie.
Throwing out all care in the world for the feelings of your SO is not how you have a healthy happy marriage, and also not how you raise happy healthy kids that know how to treat other people – and their own future SOs – well.” TheLadyAmaranth
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. A parent’s love for their child isn’t something you should be competing with.
It’s quite toxic to pit yourself up against her and to essentially compete for ‘dibs’ on his love. As her stepmother, you took on the responsibility of being in that then-12-year-old’s life and providing support to her. Why are you ‘confused’ that he would want to see his daughter before anyone else?
Why did you not consider how she might be feeling about her father barely surviving a tragedy? You seem jealous of her and that, to me, is a big red flag.
It’s odd to me how you keep dropping details about her perceived lack of commitment to waiting for him. Are you trying to make a point that she doesn’t love him as much as you do solely because she wasn’t waiting there for as long as you were?
Have you considered that her mother kept her away until they knew that he was alive after his procedure to spare her the potential trauma if he had given up during surgery? At her age, I understand why she wasn’t at the hospital during the procedure. Also, she arrived at the hospital on time for a visit anyways, so I don’t understand why you’ve repeated the fact that she wasn’t there immediately.
You seem to want to be congratulated and praised for waiting there for hours (ie needing ‘appreciation’ for something that, for most spouses, is the bare minimum) as if he wasn’t the one who endured a life-threatening event and surgery. I get that you wanted to see him but your actions were manipulative and out-of-line, intentional or not.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are allowed to be disappointed, I hate this nonsense where the significant other doesn’t mean anything at all just cause a kid is there from a prior relationship. I’m sorry but my wife is just as important to me as my kids and are EQUALLY family, maybe it’s because I’m not divorced but even so, when I was a kid I was IN the hospital waiting for my mom in ER and I know what it’s like to be there waiting and I’d be annoyed too.
A lot of people here don’t understand what it’s like and to be completely discarded and even told you come in second. I just think it’s ridiculous that if I have someone I really love and have a kid, all of a sudden the only thing that matters is the kid, not the whole family unit with the person I chose to have the kid with, but then again that’s why so many people get divorced, including him, because it’s not a whole family that’s important, it’s just the kids, that’s an extremely toxic and disgusting thing to do with someone who is trying to matter in their life and is being put in a very tough situation being a stepparent.
I’m sorry but a lot of people on here have a real bias toward kids, you’re allowed to have feelings and be hurt that you aren’t being included, it’s not about who came first which is why a lot of people are not treating you fairly because it’s not about the line, it’s that YOU ARE THERE TOO helping him and he doesn’t seem to appreciate that aspect by giving you only ten minutes to visit like an afterthought to his kid.
No one likes waiting at hospitals and he should be grateful you were there and at least made you feel like you mattered.
I get that this situation is different because you are a stepmother, which I get that’s why so many people are upset about it but if that’s the case then why be a stepmother?
Why bother getting to know them when at any point when it really matters his loyalty is only to his kids even if they could possibly be horrible in their own way with just taking funds or something? I just feel bad for stepparents because everyone thinks it’s okay to discard them even though they are going into the hardest situation possible, I personally would never date a single parent because of stuff like this.” Jbrojo
10. AITJ For Telling My Husband We Shouldn't Have Paid For His Birthday Party?
“In October my sister-in-law asked my husband if he wanted to have a 60th Bday party in his hometown, which is several states away and requires us to fly for.
He asked me what I thought, and I said if you want it, I will go. (I don’t enjoy his family, but after 30+ years I can put up with them for a long weekend)
Between October and December, it went from a single party to a dinner on Friday at her house with 10 of his catholic HS friends and their wives, and a party at a local bar on Saturday with around 45 people, friends, and his family (many the same as the night before) wives included. It would have been more but one of his brothers and his kids got sick from thanksgiving.
I was getting more and more uncomfortable, especially with the crisis and all, but I have learned to shut up over the years. I mentally started calling his 60th his Quinceañera, at this point. She started including me in food choices, which I resisted as long as I could, after all, this wasn’t my idea, and I wanted no ownership over it.
We made reservations for the plane tickets, and I was becoming increasingly bitter, as the cheapest flights were Spirit Airlines, and I swore I would never travel them again after a horrible flight back in 2019, when I flew from LAX to ATL. (easily the worst and longest flight I have ever taken. )
Fast forward to early Dec, and the long weekend of spending time with a bunch of 60 yo prep school guys and their brittle blonde wives… I was the designated driver all weekend back to the hotel, which was fine.
It gave me something to do and occupied me pouring the wine and making sure everyone was having a nice time. Drinking would not have made me a better person at this point, and I made the right choice for all involved to not loosen any inhibitions and make me moody or smarty pants.
Fast forward to Saturday night and the bar party… I mingled, drinking my tonic and lime, talking to people I would never see again, even though I kept promising to get dinner with them every time they flew or drove through Atlanta (knowing I will plan to not be in town when this happens).
At around 10:30, I asked my SIL if she thought we should think about wrapping it up since everyone was getting pretty sloppy and I was tired. She said you can settle with the person at the bar…
SHE STUCK ME WITH THE TAB FOR THE PARTY SHE SUGGESTED IN THE FIRST PLACE. The tab was almost $2,000, on top of the hotel’s $675, and the food for the lunch that day for all the guys and their wives who traveled to Cleveland for the weekend was $300.
Plus airfare, $200, which being Spirit, at least that was cheap.
Am I the jerk here for telling my husband and my kids that she should have covered the party that she suggested to him? Am I a jerk for being very cold to her, and still angry that I am out $3k and I didn’t even have fun?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your sister-in-law should have never expected you to pay. But you spent this entire post talking about yourself, about how you were uncomfortable, about how you didn’t want to spend time with these people, about how you didn’t have fun. News flash OP, it was a party for your husband.
Did he feel comfortable, did he want to spend time with these people, did he have fun? If the answer is yes, then at the end of the day, it was worth it.” GlassSandwich9315
Another User Comments:
“I mean he’s your husband so I think it’s pretty trashy that she came up with the idea instead of you doing it in the first place.
Do you even like your husband cause there’s a lot of ‘all about me’ in this post and a 60th bday is a pretty big deal?
I think cost should’ve been discussed in the beginning but you made that very difficult as it was completely obvious you wanted nothing to do with any of this which is just sad.
So yea I think YTJ” ChaosNHamHam
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, although you’ve mostly been a jerk to yourself here. There were multiple points during this process where, rather than stewing in silence, it would have been wise to pipe up to either Sis or your husband and say, ‘Look, this is getting way more elaborate than what was initially pitched to me, and I’m getting uncomfortable with the demands it’s placing on me when the only reason I agreed to this in the first place was that I was assured that wouldn’t be the case.
Can we take a step back and reassess?’
The fact those conversations didn’t happen means it will be considerably more difficult for Sis to hold you liable for expenses she didn’t bother to discuss with you in advance (or would have, if you hadn’t just caved and paid), but a bit of advance communication could’ve saved a lot of family drama here.
Or at least gotten it out of the way before anyone was out this much funds.” mm172
9. AITJ For Setting Boundaries While I Live At My Parents' House?
“I (29F) and my husband (30M) are currently renting a home from my parents. I know, I know, I need to move out immediately. Trust me, we’re trying.
Well, my husband was home the other day (he was feeling a little sick and wanted to get tested before he went to work) so he stayed home.
My dad comes over to the house we rent, and allows himself to walk right in not only the home, BUT OUR BEDROOM WHERE MY HUSBAND IS SLEEPING to wake him up and ask him why he’s not at work.
My husband mentioned it later in passing like a ‘weird thing happened today’ moment. I immediately think, ‘well that’s not okay’.
And I text both my mom and dad, that entering our home and especially the bedroom without our permission is not okay or acceptable. My husband could have been changing, without clothes, who knows? Point is, we pay all of the bills, we deserve privacy and not to expect them to barge through the door at any time.
And this wasn’t a one-time offense, my dad lets himself in the house all the time. He doesn’t understand personal space or boundaries. Neither does my mom.
My dad freaks out, and calls my husband a liar because ‘I knocked first but no one answered’. To me, don’t enter a home and especially a bedroom if no one answers.
Seems pretty standard.
So now, both of my parents are super mad at me because of me saying it was unacceptable and inappropriate. They won’t talk to me, and they purposely scheduled things at the home today (We have Orkin come out quarterly to spray) while I’m at work so I would have to take off work to be there.
Don’t ask me why but she does this to be petty whenever she’s in a terrible mood toward me or things similar to anyone in the family.
AITJ for saying something? I know it’s their house but we pay the bills and deserve to be treated like actual tenants.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Don’t take off work, just tell them you can’t stay home and let them deal with it.
They can’t force you to be home.
They shouldn’t be entering a home they rent out, and certainly shouldn’t be going into bedrooms.
Get a deadbolt for the front door- you can get ones that go into the lock or across the door that do no damage/don’t need to be installed so you aren’t changing the home in any way.
That way, when you are home, they can’t barge in.
You are obviously working on moving out, so until then, get a lock for the door, don’t take off when they schedule things and keep contact to a minimum.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“You are not the jerk but your parents are. And it is illegal for them to enter your home whether they are your landlord’s or not.
They have to give you 24 hours’ notice and even then you have to let them in unless there’s an emergency like a leak or an electrical problem. What they’re doing is breaking and entering. I would change the locks and if your parents object to this they are way bigger jerks than you think because it’s bizarre.
I would change the locks. When they find out you can reiterate that you have asked them for privacy and you are demanding it at this point. You can let them know that you do not want them on the property unless they are invited and if they do so it’s trespassing and you can actually call the police.
I know you don’t want it to escalate to that point but your parents have to understand that you have boundaries and that they can’t cross them.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is one of those things where your parents are not going to change, and they feel entitled to cross boundaries because the property is theirs.
I would save and move as quickly as possible and go low contact when/where you can.
In the meantime, install chain locks on external entrances. These can be used when you guys are home to prevent them from using their keys to enter the property.
Install smart locks that will require a code for entry.
These codes can be time sensitive (only work during certain hours), or one-time use only (such as for contractors, landlords, etc) with advanced notice.” shorthumanfemale
8. AITJ For Leaving My Family To Go Through A Faster Security Line?
“I fly for work fairly often, so I got myself a TSA (Transportation Security Administration) pre-check a couple of years ago. This has saved me a ton of headache and time since then (I don’t have to take my shoes off, take my laptop or any liquids out, the line is shorter, etc).
My husband refuses to get himself pre-checked claiming he doesn’t need it and that it’s an unnecessary expense ($80 for 5 years). Ok, fair enough. When we fly together, sometimes his boarding pass has precheck as well (if he’s on the same reservation as me), but most of the time it does not. So we just use separate security lines and then meet at the gate.
So far, he hasn’t complained much.
Fast forward to this holiday season. My parents came to visit us from overseas. First, me and my mom flew to the Caribbean for a short girls’ trip. I of course didn’t want to leave her alone, so I went to the regular security line despite having the precheck.
If you know about the current travel situation in the US, you can imagine how painful it was.
The next trip included all 4 of us: me, my husband, and both of my parents. I also needed to bring my work stuff with me (laptop, etc). So since my husband was with us this time (he has a great relationship with my parents), I assumed they were all fine going through the security together (my parents travel a lot and speak English, so technically could be left on their own as well), and I went to the TSA pre-check line on my own.
There was no line at all for me and I was at the gate in less than 10 minutes. Apparently, the regular security line was almost 30mins long. When the rest of my family arrived at the gate, my husband was giving me cold shoulder and later told me that I was the jerk for not going through the regular security with them.
So am I?”
Another User Comments:
“This is such a weird thing for him to be upset about. I thought at first it was an ‘I left my spouse alone with 4 kids under 4’ kind of situation. But presumably, your parents are competent adults or you would have said something. And presumably, your husband is a healthy and communicative adult who could have asked you just to stay for the company if that’s how he felt.
But instead, he’s being childish about something you two do all the time and he’s never had an issue with it.
NTJ” HamBroth
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If it was just you and your husband I’d have no problem with you leaving him on his own, or if he was with his parents.
But leaving him to entertain your parents for a long time is pretty rude in my opinion. Plus, you seem to be kind of conflating two separate issues here. Your husband refusing to get a precheck for himself doesn’t really make much difference when you’re traveling in a group where at least 2/4 of the people don’t have it.
If you and your husband both had pre-check would you have left your parents by themselves in the regular line, or would you have stayed with them?
Also, it depends on the airport and the line, but I have been to several airports where they will do your precheck screening if you are in a regular line.
So they give you a placard identifying you as precheck which means you don’t have to take out your laptop/liquids/etc but you wait in the regular line. So you could have at least asked if that was an option.” User
Another User Comments:
“Here’s the thing, I don’t think you’re necessarily the jerk but what did you accomplish, other than alienating the people you were with so you could sit by yourself while you waited for them?
Here’s my point, you arrived at the airport and you had 2 options, go thru pre-check by yourself and then sit and wait for the rest of your party, or go thru with them and spend time with them while you’re in line and talk and enjoy time with each other. You were at the airport the same amount of time each way but one way was to spend time with your family and the other wasn’t.
If you don’t want to be with them then why were you with them?” Mandajolene123
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The four of you were traveling together. What good did it do you to get to the gate just a little bit faster? Prove that you are more special. Your husband was apparently looking after YOUR parents, and keeping them company throughout the process.
They are already in a strange place, being from another country. Good gosh, they flew from overseas to be with you, and you can’t stand a 30-minute line to stay together? If that were my parents, I’d be staying with them and looking after them, making THEM feel special and cared for.” GaGypsyGirl
7. AITJ For Getting Married On The Day Of My Stepsister's Wedding?
“I have a stepsister ‘Claire’ who I really haven’t seen since she left for college at 18.
I see her at the occasional holiday dinner, but we have a distant relationship. Honestly, I can’t stand her and just everything about her personality is ugh to me.
My mom married Clarie’s dad when I was 13 and she was 14, and Claire made it very clear she wasn’t interested in being a family. She was very standoffish (she had experienced some serious mistreatment at her mom’s house) and she was kind of mean.
She mostly kept to herself but made it clear she thought she was better than us. We had a couple of vicious fights but I don’t really have bad feelings toward her at this point, I just don’t like her.
Claire got engaged a few months before me and set the date for September 2022. I’m not invited which is expected. When I got engaged, I immediately knew where I wanted to hold my wedding and the closest date I could get to what I wanted was Claire’s date.
I figured it would be fine. We have no extended family, no mutual friends. My mom could go to mine and her dad could go to hers (neither of us is close to the other’s parents) I picked the date because I didn’t want a winter wedding and the other ones were too close to December.
When I told my mom she flipped out and said I am humiliating her by making her come without her husband, and this is the equivalent of not letting her have a plus one. She said my dad will be there with his wife and she will look like a loser who can’t get a man (umm everyone knows she is married) She said the wedding won’t be fun for her without her husband, and how could I be so selfish?
She is also annoyed that my stepdad will be at Claire’s wedding without her, with his ex there.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re being selfish by putting your mom in a bad spot to have to choose which wedding to attend, and, if she goes to yours, not allowing her husband to enjoy his daughter’s day with his wife.
You were fully aware of what your stepsister’s date was and honestly it sounds to be absolutely an intentional attempt to start drama and even worse a rift. It really comes off like you’re demanding to be told that you’re loved more by making your mom choose between you and her spouse + stepchild, to be honest.
YTJ, big time.” ennomine
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Definitely pathetic to choose the same day, sorry that you don’t want a winter wedding, but your step-sister chose that date first. And while she doesn’t own the day on the calendar, by choosing the same day you are effectively forcing your mother to either not attend your wedding, or not attend the other wedding, possibly implying to her stepdaughter ‘I do not care about you, or your marriage,’ which is so unhealthy.
Besides, I have a feeling that you would rightfully be annoyed if your stepsister did the same to you. You’re putting your mother in a catch-22, as well as kind of taking the thunder from your step sisters wedding. I understand you want it to be perfect because it’s your wedding, but there’s a line where it crosses over into selfishness.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you need to change the date of the wedding. At the end of the day, it’s up to you, and if you’re not close to your step-sister or stepfather then I supposed it doesn’t really matter to you whether or not you’re treating them poorly. If you’re absolutely dead set on that date, then go for it, but don’t be surprised when years down the line there is still underlying resentment.” Fuzzy-Simple-370
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You put your mom in a bad spot, and the first person who chooses the date gets the date. It sounds like you’re fine with that, so knock yourself out, but I say this as someone who was recently married and made some unpopular choices at my wedding: be prepared for blowback from unexpected places.
You WILL hear from people about this, and it won’t be pleasant. It may also affect your relationship with your mother in ways you don’t want it to. You may not care about Claire but you do, presumably, care about your mom.
I’d consider this very, very carefully.” Whiteroses7252012
6. AITJ For Not Giving Up My Board Game Piece?
“So this is pretty trivial but my (M28) partner (F26) and I disagree here pretty strongly. So we were having a game night and I introduced a new board game I played a lot with my siblings as a child, I’ve always used the red token and really enjoy having a set character in most board games.
This character is no more special than the rest there are no abilities or anything else to consider. So after about 4 games where I used the same character the whole time my 6yo decided he wanted to use the said piece, I told him no that’s the piece I use and he can pick another (5 others to choose from).
My partner said I needed to share which I disagree with, he wants the piece because it’s the one I use, I’ve used this piece for over 20 years without fail. So I want to know, AITJ?
Edit: I see your point and realize I’m acting childish and hold an unhealthy attachment to certain board game pieces.
It’s a change that makes me feel uncomfortable to do for some reason but tomorrow I’ll let him use that piece if he chooses.
Edit 2: 6yo did not have a tantrum and was slightly upset at most. Argument or slight disagreement was between his mother and me. Also should note although it doesn’t make much difference these 4 games weren’t in a row but over a few days.
Also, I can share just fine except for apparently board games I’m attached to from my childhood, I will work on that.
Final Update: we’ve played again, I apologized and said he may use the red token (miss Scarlett in this case) and we’ve agreed going forward winner of the last game gets the first choice of character.
He plays with another adult so this isn’t unfair.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
It’s important to model sharing, but it’s also important to model politely saying no when asked to share something you don’t want to.
I’ve seen plenty of kids in real life – and a few examples on this sub – who get it in their head that sharing means they can take whatever they want (‘If I ask, the other person needs to share’), which is not actually the lesson you want to be teaching.
‘I really love this piece, and I’ve been using it since I was your age, so I’d like to keep using it – thanks for asking though, and let’s see what other exciting token you can choose!’ is a fine response, and helps to model polite boundaries and how sharing is a kind thing you can choose to do for someone, not an obligation.” PlaidSuperSquid
Another User Comments:
“This is so minor that I don’t necessarily want to even say you’re a ‘jerk’ for it, but in this situation, YTJ, sorry. Your son probably wanted to use the red piece because that’s the special piece that his dad uses, and that makes it extra special to him.
He asked to use it, most likely, as a way to feel closer to you by using something that is evidently important/special to you. Bonding with your son and modeling good behaviors (sharing is caring) should probably take priority over always having to use your one specific piece. In the future, maybe you could tell your son that he can play with your piece for one round, and then you can go back to playing with your regular piece.” jewel7210
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The child asked and you said no. The situation can be dropped. I personally absolutely hate parents that force sharing upon everyone. My child is not entitled to anything just because they are a kid. My kids don’t throw tantrums when they are told no but look at the majority of the kids out there.
They have a complete meltdown over being told no. So yeah I do not put up with that nonsense at all. On top of that, it’s YOUR board game. The kid needs to respect that.” Sad_Sherbet_7411
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If you were also six, yeah, I could see that. But dude. Come on.
Your kid wanted the piece so they could be like daddy. And waited 4 games to ask! I always played the dog in monopoly. My sister always played with the car. All the other pieces irritate me because they are inanimate objects! They can’t move! If my child asks to be the dog in the future I’ll be like sure, that’s my favorite piece, happy to share something I love with you.
But let me know if I accidentally move your piece instead of mine, LOL.” Double-dutcher
5. AITJ For Not Inviting Old People To My Wedding?
“I (30F) am getting married to my fiancé (31M) in the fall and we’re planning the wedding now.
Both of us have big families so we’re trying to figure out how to make our guest list work with our budget. Our grandparents are all in their 80s and his grandma has Alzheimer’s – she forgets who people are, doesn’t know where she is a lot of the time, and sometimes she just randomly starts crying or yelling and it’s really depressing.
Both my grandparents also have some health issues and demand a lot of care and attention. I really don’t want any of this to ruin our big day. I don’t want his grandma shouting or making noise during the ceremony or my grandpa needing help and being a big distraction, and I feel like people are going to be paying a lot of attention to them instead of the wedding and the wedding couple.
So my fiancé and I decided that we don’t want anyone over 70 at the wedding and are making a blanket rule so it’s fair to everyone. I think they would be bored and more comfortable at home anyway, and it’s an opportunity for their caregivers to come out and relax and have fun without worrying about caregiving responsibilities for the evening.
My fiancé is on board but the rest of my family is upset. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you are afraid these elderly people will take the focus off of you on your big day (which is stupid. I don’t really remember any of the very old people I’ve come across at weddings at all.
They’re kinda…over there with the family or whatnot). What will ACTUALLY take the focus off of you on your big day will be the hushed whispers of family and friends discussing how you and your fiancé are total jerks.
‘Dude I heard she banned people over 70. Like anyone over 70. Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous?
What a cow!’
Even if people are slightly more polite than this, just know you will be judged… hard. THIS is what your wedding will be remembered for. EVERYONE will have an opinion on it and discuss it at some point.
Also…
You keep comparing this to Child-free Weddings but this is a false equivalent.
Children are entirely dependent on their parents. They consistently and developmentally lack the maturity to interact at a even basic adult level, whereas the elderly largely do not. Further, excluding them is not really an affront to the children (though some parents do take it personally) as they are largely unaware. If you exclude grandparents/people over 70, they will be acutely aware.
I know a lot of this is stemming from concern over the grandmother with Alzheimer’s. That’s understandable but the blanket approach of excluding everyone over 70 just makes this much worse. I don’t think you realize how ‘young’ 70 really is. Most healthy 70-year-olds are mentally (and occasionally physically) indecipherable from 50-year-olds.
Anyway… get yourself together.” DoreyCat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in my opinion. Based on the overwhelming consensus in the comments I’ve read, I’m probably going to get some flack for this but here’s my logic:
Reasons why people have child-free weddings: 1 – They want to enjoy their wedding without having to worry about taking care of others 2 – They don’t want their ceremony disrupted by people who are not cognitively or emotionally capable of controlling their actions/outbursts 3 – They want everyone attending to be able to let loose and enjoy themselves without having to worry about taking care of someone who needs constant attention 4 – A blanket rule is applied because even if you know that your mother’s cousin’s daughter has a kid who is a dream and very well behaved and wouldn’t cause an issue, it would be unfair for certain exceptions to be allowed and not others
OP has stated all of the above as reasons why they and their fiance have chosen to implement this rule for THEIR wedding, and if it were a childfree situation everyone on this subreddit would be advocating for the couple’s right to make their own choices for their wedding and that others have no say, but now just because the rule is over 70 rather than under 13, now suddenly OP is some horrible monster?
That seems like a double standard to me.
I’m very sorry to anyone who lost their grandparents and couldn’t have said grandparents at their wedding, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else feels the same way about it. I’ll again compare the double standard, just because you think your kids are the best goblins to ever roam the earth that doesn’t mean anyone has any interest in putting up with your kids or anyone else’s at an event that is not suited to them.
OP obviously knows the people in this family who are over 70 and if OP and their fiance think those people are not able to behave appropriately at a wedding, then they shouldn’t be at the wedding, simple. The fact that their inability to act appropriately is due to mental faculties declining coz of old age doesn’t make it any less inappropriate or unwanted at a wedding!” Electronic-Tear4106
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
A blanket ban for anyone over a certain age is just insulting and discriminatory towards that age group – for every person who may cause problems there will be another 90+ year old who is perfectly capable and is now being excluded, and a younger person with their own issues that is liable to cause a problem instead.
My question is also why you are making sweeping statements and bands, rather than just curating your invite list appropriately – the requirement for noting a wedding as child-free is because it is commonly accepted that parents will take along their children to such events, so the blanket statement is given to ensure everyone realizes that children are not invited, rather than expecting them to be and getting insulted when they are refused. Nobody just takes along a spare grandparent without good reason though, so your guests will be limited to those invited and their +1’s (who theoretically could be an elderly relative, but I am assuming you know your guests and can guess who they would be bringing along).
If you are worried about certain people, then it would be a good idea to approach them and their carers in particular. In some cases the carers will agree with your worries, others will be able to reassure you it will be fine and can work with you to make sure everything goes well (making sure they are comfortable, sitting where they can easily leave if they have a problem, etc).
At that point, you can work with them to invite them or not as is appropriate (or invite them for politeness with the understanding they cannot practically attend if the carer feels it would be nice for them to be involved).” nrsys
4. AITJ For Being Extremely Mad At My Parents For Lying To Me?
“Throughout high school, my parents prodded me (23M) to study hard, earn good grades, and get involved in extracurriculars. They constantly said things along the lines of ‘look at person A’s sister, she’s attending Harvard Law’ and ‘follow person B’s example, he’s doing an MBA at Stanford.’ I did as I was told and was accepted into one of HYPSM (Harvard Yale Princeton Stanford MIT).
I vividly remember crying out of sheer happiness when I logged into the portal and saw my acceptance letter. I thought that my parents would be just as excited as I was, but imagine my shock when they said ‘We think you should attend (state school) instead because it’s a lot cheaper and just as good for your major (computer science) as HYPSM.
We earn X per month, the mortgage is Y per month, so we have to support the family on Z per month. Where’s the money for you to attend HYPSM?’ They then logged into their bank account and invited me to do the budget calculations myself. I did them, saw that their numbers added up, and declined my HYPSM offer (as much as it pained me).
I ended up going to (a state school) for my BS and MS in computer science. I currently work at FAANG (FB, Amazon Apple Netflix Google), which means that I will be able to pay off my student loans relatively quickly. (My parents said they’d pay the difference after I took out the max in federal loans per school year).
My sister (17F) called in December to tell me that she was accepted early into one of HYPSM. I congratulated her on getting in and asked her if our parents would force her to decline her offer as well due to the cost. She told me that dad told her to not worry about the cost. I then put two and two together, made an excuse to leave, and hung up the phone.
I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t put two and two together before that moment. My dad has worked at a different FAANG since 2006. These companies give their employees A LOT of stock per year, which meant that when I was getting my college acceptance letters (spring 2016), my dad’s shares were worth hundreds of thousands (possibly even millions) of dollars.
My dad is able to pay for my sister’s tuition by selling off some of his shares.
The next time my parents FaceTimed me I asked them why they were unwilling to sell some of my dad’s shares when I was accepted into HYPSM. They visibly tensed up and muttered something about how their financial decisions were none of my business.
I then told them that this was the last time I’d ever speak with them because they were liars who pulled a giant bait and switch on me.
That all happened shortly before Christmas. The girl asked me why I’d been declining all of their calls lately. After I explained to her why, she told me that she can see why I’m angry, but she also told me that I really shouldn’t be complaining as I’m in a better financial position than at least 95% of people our age.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Being in a better financial position than others your age is a separate issue. Lying is lying, no matter how your situation compares to others. pushing you and then pulling out the rug is awful.
The main problem is they lied. That’s a huge breach of trust. And now they’re telling sister not to worry?
I’m sorry. That has to hurt. And then they don’t even offer to pay off the loans for the lower costing school that they pushed you to? C’mon.
You’re totally justified in not talking to them ever if you want. Or waiting a certain period, or telling them to write you a letter that maybe you will read or send you a video message so you have documentation.
You’re in control here. Do what makes you feel good.
Or, you could tell them to give you the same sum they give her for school. All those stocks are way up now. They should be able to afford it. Or they can take out a loan. Serve them right.
Whatever you do, NTJ. You were lied to for years.” loginorregister9
Another User Comments:
“Mostly, YTJ; unpopular opinion, I’m sure.
Your parents reserve every right to spend their money however they see fit; also, based on your post, it sounds like they did help you some, so let’s not pretend they hung you out to dry completely. Looking at stock charts from that time until now, you can see that whatever his shares were likely worth back then pales in comparison to what they are likely worth now, so changing the financial situation merits changing the financial approach.
For example, my parents have paid for more of my younger sisters’ education than they did mine, as since I got out of school they have paid off their house and some other debts, plus my grandparents passed so they inherited some money; of course, I would never be angry at them for making appropriate, different choices based on the financial situations at the time they occurred.
I do find it bizarre that they went through the rigamarole of letting you log into their accounts and do calculations for yourself, but that doesn’t seem particularly relevant to the situation, although I’m sure you’ll say that is evidence they were trying to mislead or trick you.
Tl;dr: you’re not entitled to anything your parents decide to or not to give you or any of your siblings, and excommunicating them for it without any discussion seems super immature and very entitled. There is also a very real scenario here where they didn’t lie to you at all, AND had plans to reconcile the disparity between you and your sister, but never got the chance before you went nuclear.” Scooter0011
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your parents lied to you. A big elaborate lie in fact.
And right on the heels of the said giant lie, they turn around and magically now have the funds for your sister.
Playing favorites with your sister is disgusting and blatant. And WHAT – did they think you weren’t going to eventually figure it out?
I mean sooner or later the truth was going to come oozing out. Are they so dumb they didn’t realize how awful this was?
You are NTJ. Your current financial situation has diddly to do with what’s really going on here. Your parents lied to you. Manipulated you. And are playing favorites. Your path forward regarding your relationship with them is up to you.
You owe them nothing.
As someone else said – letting go of people doing you wrong is not so much about forgiveness for them – it’s about forgiveness for you. So you can let it go and move on. It’s about you. Not them. Now letting go doesn’t dictate your relationship moving forward.
You could forgive someone and let go of the anger from what they did but that doesn’t dictate that it’s ‘all good now’ and things go back to the way it was before.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. That may mean if you want a relationship going forward with your parents that you need to decide on what terms.
Good luck.
NTJ and I’m sorry. The betrayal of their actions must be a sucker punch.” Advanced-Extent-420
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, even if your dad could have sold the stocks in 2016 to help you pay for school you have no rights to his funds. You also have a little sister, so your parents probably wanted to have the stocks as a safety net in case anything happened while your sister was still young.
I’m also wondering what state school you went to since some of the top CS schools are state schools. But depending on what your sister is majoring in going to an HYPSM could mean a much better education.
Lastly, the global crisis changed a lot of people’s perspectives on life. Your parents may have planned to give your sister the same treatment as you but changed their minds because of everything that happened in the last 2 years.
Like if I was a parent I would not want my kid to go to my local state school due to the way they handled the crisis. So I would be willing to make financial sacrifices to help my kid go to a better school.” Business_Cook_8488
3. AITJ For Saying My Cousin Shouldn't Have Kids?
“My family had our first reunion over the Christmas period, with health precautions observed. We are on a farm, so people brought their dogs out from the city to roam free for a bit.
I (F 20) got into a discussion with my cousins about how the health crisis had affected us and our schooling when my other cousin (Lily, fake name, F 26) jumped in and started telling us about how the global crisis had given her anxiety and depression.
Lily has never seen a doctor about these issues, and never got actually diagnosed but diagnosed herself after seeing posts about it and instead asked online consultants who recommended she get a service dog.
She did get a dog, a Labrador that she ordered off the internet and we were all asking why she didn’t bring it out to the farm to meet the other dogs.
Turns out that it arrived and then it cried for two nights because it was separated from its family. Lily said that it made her anxiety worse and stopped her from sleeping so sold it to a friend of hers.
We were all shocked about it but we let it slide because she has always been very quick to reject things and move on if they don’t work immediately.
Then over dinner, Lily said that she and her partner couldn’t wait to have kids in the new year. I was confused, then asked her how she was going to deal with anxiety, sleep, and her kids.
She said that she’s ready to have kids and that having a puppy isn’t anything like it.
I said, ‘If you can’t deal with two nights of a puppy crying because you separated it from its family, how are you going to deal with two years of a baby crying and constant sleep deprivation?’
Lily got insulted and told me I would never understand, and I said that maybe she shouldn’t have kids if she can’t deal with a dog.
She left the reunion early and my aunt yelled at me for triggering her depression. They want me to do a written apology. My mother has since sided with my aunt but my other cousins think that I was in the right.
I think I was a little too harsh, a child and a dog are different, but Lily refuses to talk to me unless I write her an apology letter, saying I was cruel to her.
I’m being pressured to apologize, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… Your cousin has no business having kids until she sorts out her mental and emotional state.
Everyone in your family is missing the point. A puppy is a huge responsibility and instead of comforting the puppy or returning him so he could stay with mom for a few more weeks she just SOLD it to friends! That’s the worst option out of the 3 because it solely benefits her and not the well-being of the dog.
What’s she gonna do? Put up with the baby by leaving it in a separate room to cry? Adopt it out once she’s overwhelmed? Give it to dear mommy and daddy to take care of? Sell it? Geeez find out where she bought the dog. If it was specifically a support animal they likely have terms stating to return him to the original owners due to special breeding.
If that’s the cause email them informing them of what she did. They probably have a clause in their contract saying XYZ needs to be done for the health and safety of the dog.
ALSO… I bet she just picked whatever person was willing to pay for the dog not the best choice for his future which also shows why she shouldn’t have kids.” User
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say YTJ. Your cousin did not ask you for unnecessary comments about her family planning. If someone, basically out of nowhere, started questioning your life decisions, you would think that was rude. So why would you ask your cousin at the dinner table in front of your entire family a question like that?
Babies and dogs are different. It’s true. However, more importantly, many people’s reactions to animals and babies are different. Your cousin purchased that dog to help with her mental health. When she’s faced with it, the dog got distressed and it wasn’t helping, she sold it to someone who can take care of it. Nothing you have said implies that she said ready to start trying for a baby to fix her mental health.
The majority of people, especially people in their mid-20s, are aware that babies are hard work. Plus she’s not going to be raising that baby alone unless you also neglected to tell us something about her partner.
I can’t handle puppies and dogs crying. On the other hand, I’ve worked with infants and toddlers for the better part of ten years, and quite quickly got used to it.
Now that I’m a mom, I can handle sleep deprivation and crying better with my kid than with others. And I still can’t deal with the dogs crying. Your cousin never said it would be easy for her. Just that it was different.
You were mean, and you were out of pocket for no reason.
Shame on you. And shame on everyone saying you were a justified jerk. Nothing you said was justified. I wouldn’t write her a letter as she wants, but I would encourage you to sincerely apologize.” LadeyAceGuns
Another User Comments:
“While you may have been a bit brusque in delivery, still NTJ.
A written apology? What, does she want it embossed with a wax seal and couriered to her too?
She’s not going to be struck with the revelation that she’s not ready for babies. Because you don’t understand, you see. She’s going to barrel down this path head first.
She and her partner will get pregnant, and everyone is going to be thrilled to pieces! They’ll do all the fun things, the gender reveals, the baby shower, and all that.
Then when the baby comes and reality hits, your Aunt and your mom, and whoever is nearby will be called on to help with finances, time, and childcare (for free, without reimbursement, because FAMILY). No one is going to understand HOW HARD it is for her. Or how TIRED she is.
So if you’re going to write anything, I’d write a one-liner like this: I’m booked for the next 18 years – not available for babysitting.” Decent_Ad6389
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. The way you talk about your cousin’s anxiety makes it pretty clear you don’t believe her. On top of that, telling people they shouldn’t have kids is just something pathetic to do. Plus, everyone seems to have forgotten that it takes two to have a child. She wouldn’t be raising a baby on her own, and I know you said you don’t think she should have one for how she treated the dog, but it’s pretty ableist to say people with anxiety and depression shouldn’t have children.
She’s a jerk for getting a dog and then just ditching it like that. I still think you should’ve just kept reminding her how awful she is for treating the dog like that instead of dragging a couple’s decision to have kids into it.” whalesharksky
2. AITJ For Asking My Date's Roommate To Pay For Drinks?
“I was going out with a girl, and when she finally invited me to her flat, I brought her a bottle of cognac (ca. $70). Things went well and the bottle was left unopened on the kitchen table.
When we woke up in the morning, we went out for breakfast and came back, intending to continue where we left off.
I wanted to have a bit of the cognac but the bottle was gone. She asked her flatmate, and apparently, he downed the whole thing during the night.
I was disappointed, because it was winter and I really looked forward to having a sip, but didn’t make a big deal, we had some wine instead.
Then I asked her if the flatmate is going to reimburse me since he just drank the whole thing, it was $70 after all. I said, if we all had shared, I would not have expected anything, but it kind of feels trashy when he took it all for himself.
Turns out he overheard it, because he went into her room complaining that it’s too much money, how selfish I am because he will have to cut back on other things, but here!
And gave me 70 in notes and coins.
I didn’t think much of it until a friend told me if I leave something like this in a flat, it should be labeled as private, and if not then I should not expect to either have it or be reimbursed for it.
So? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, even with flatmates, shared drinks is always a paid-for thing together. What I have had seen at least, everyone pitches in for the booze, and if you haven’t paid, you don’t drink it. Or we count who has had how many drinks and reimburse the one getting the booze… even if you haven’t labeled it private, it’s just common decency tbh.
Everyone knows booze is expensive and its a trashy move to drink someone else’s without asking
On the other hand, it isn’t really something I would bother the date with, as now it’s her problem. Either she makes her flatmate pay, which can become awkward or she might feel the need to pay you back herself if the flatmate won’t.
(Or at least, I would) and that’s all not great to have after a date, just go talk to the flatmate… Although he sounds kinda like a jerk, not gonna lie, so you gotta decide if this is the hill you wanna die on.” unfortunatemm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The roommate knew it wasn’t theirs.
What? He thought the cognac fairy left it there just for him.
Unbelievably rude to open a brand new bottle and drink the whole thing himself?
He sounds like a fantastic roommate – basically steals stuff that’s not his, eavesdrops, and has a hissy fit when someone points out his behavior.
And seriously- who drinks an entire bottle of cognac in one night by themselves?” Advanced-Extent-420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everything in a flat that doesn’t belong to you explicitly, doesn’t belong to you. In general, it is ok to take consumables anyway but replace them as soon as possible.
I think he thought it was some cheap stuff and therefore thought it was cheap to replace ‘and now was terrified by the actual price.’ Therefore it might be no jerks here as well, considering that he paid it immediately and only had the psychological issue of being overwhelmed.” Key-Door7340
1. AITJ For Sharing The Story Of My Failed Pregnancy?
“I and my husband have a 7-month-old baby. When she was first born in June, we came up with a plan for me to walk with him to work in the mornings, it got me out of the house for a while, and a couple of weeks later I added picking him up from work as we so I had a good couple of hours out of the house and it made for a good routine.
This stopped around late October because it got dark so early and the baby didn’t like it, we still walk him to work in the mornings though.
My husband works with a woman V, who has an 18/19 YO daughter S. S used to walk their dog in the evenings and meet her mum at work at the same time as I and the baby were there, we saw each other most days for months and naturally got to talking, V didn’t start working with my husband until after his paternity leave and didn’t know us at all during pregnancy.
One day mid October S got to talking about how much she wanted to be a mum, she has 5 younger siblings and loves looking after them, I told her that if it’s what she really wants I wish her the best. We had a small conversation about how she wants to be more financially stable and she had discussed it fully with her partner and they have a plan for the next few years, it sounded as if they had really put thought into it.
She also said she wanted to be in a better place mentally health-wise as she suffers from depression and anxiety, I told her I was the same and I really wish my mental health was in a better place when I was pregnant, which lead to her asking if it was planned. I told her I had a life-threatening incident just 8 weeks before finding out I was pregnant with my daughter, understandably my mental health was very low during pregnancy and postpartum.
We talked a little about it and how I was improving but in general pregnancy does put mental health through the wringer so she was right to get that sorted but life throws curve balls as well.
I didn’t think anything of this again until yesterday. My husband came home and was annoyed at me, V had made a comment at lunch at work while looking at a picture of a baby being a rainbow baby (a baby after loss), and other people started questioning, and apparently, he was talking about it all afternoon.
He told me I should never have told anyone about it without telling him first and he wouldn’t have let me tell anyone connected to his work for this very reason. I told him I should be allowed to tell anyone I wanted, it happened to my body and while he went through a loss too it was unreasonable for him to tell me I couldn’t tell anyone I pleased. I refused to apologize for telling someone about my own experience but I did say I was sorry he had to deal with an afternoon of questions and if he was uncomfortable he should speak to someone at work, or at least ask people to stop discussing it.
Am I in the wrong for talking about this with someone?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You are entitled to tell anyone you want about your experiences. However, you went immediately on the defensive to argue your right to do so and ignored that he was blindsided at work with everyone knowing about an incredibly upsetting and traumatic thing that happened. He then spent the day fielding questions about it and probably getting more and more upset as the day went on.
V and S had no right to put him in that position it’s absolutely not okay.
You seem very focused on being right and you aren’t wrong, and you didn’t do anything wrong but I think you’re ignoring that your husband is probably just feeling like he spent a day being reminded over and over about what happened that would leave anyone feeling a bit raw and upset.” FondantSafe4850
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and neither is your husband (or maybe a bit). His colleague however was the big jerk here for bringing up such a private matter in the workplace. You sharing your experience with her daughter (or even if you had shared it directly with her), does not give her permission to turn it into workplace conversation for your husband.
Your husband is right to be upset, but he’s upset at the wrong person, so maybe this makes him a bit of a jerk too, but nothing in comparison to his colleague who acted completely out of place. Perhaps he feels like this would have never happened if you hadn’t shared the story in the first place and it feels easier to bring it up with you.
Maybe you can chat again and redirect his understandable frustration toward his colleague. He can bring this to HR if he feels it would be helpful for him.” Fionsomnia
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You have every right to discuss your trauma and your experiences. And I’m so sorry for your loss. But your husband has a right not to want to discuss it with people.
He has a right to privacy at his work if he chooses these are not the people he confides in. You two have different coping mechanisms. And that’s normal I think.
V is a jerk. You shared a personal story with her and it wasn’t hers to share or bring up or mention.
If your husband had brought it up and she joined in, fine. But you should never bring up someone else’s personal history at work. So I am 100% on board with your husband being upset with V. I’m sorry but she was out of line. She made assumptions. Well you know the expression about assumptions.
Neither you nor your husband is wrong. Ideally, you should be able to tell your story. Your husband shouldn’t have his co-workers bring it up. The only problem here is V.” angel2hi
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Personally I wouldn’t ever discuss matters like that with people I don’t know. But especially with people from work because they aren’t your friends they are people you work with.
The reason why you are a jerk is that you discussed something that was private to him with someone associated with his workplace. You crossed a boundary and you sound entitled. He is well within his right to be mad and you should apologize for putting him in that position. You know, workplaces are known for gossiping about people’s business.” MonkeyDJazmina98
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