People Want Us To Feed In On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Issues
16. AITJ For Having My Husband Fire My Cousin?
Working with family is HARD.
“My cousin was my husband’s assistant for 7 months.
He only hired her because I asked him to after my aunt kept asking me to get her an interview. There have been minor issues that my husband has complained about and I think if she was anybody else he would’ve fired her already.
I tried to call my husband while he was at work because our son wanted to say hello to him. My husband is fine with me calling him and he always takes my calls no matter how busy he is but my cousin was refusing to put me through or to ask him to call me back.
When I asked her why she kept telling me my husband was busy. I tried convincing her to just let him know I called but she ended up hanging up on me and wasn’t picking the phone up when I called back.
I was furious so when my husband came home I told him what happened and said he should fire her since she wasn’t doing her job properly.
A few weeks later he did fire her and my aunt was demanding to know why from me. She wouldn’t listen when I said I didn’t know and I eventually got fed up so I told her I told him to because of what happened.
She’s telling everybody in the family that I had her daughter punished for doing her job and that I lack family loyalty. My aunt and uncle are threatening to sue my husband even though he assured me they don’t have a case.
My parents have been trying to calm the situation down without much luck.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“This really depends on the actual situation. His assistant absolutely should be triaging calls. A call because his son wants to say “hi” should absolutely be a lower priority than an awful lot of other things. Also, depending on how busy things are there and what’s going on, I can understand why she wouldn’t have the time to indulge in such a silly request. There just aren’t enough details to accurately judge this I’m afraid.” medium_buffalo_wings
Another User Comments:
“WOW… I can’t believe you even have to ask. 1. You demand that all your calls be put through to your husband while he’s working no matter what. 2. You harassed your cousin by repeatedly calling after being told he asked not to be interrupted. 3.
You asked your husband to fire your cousin because you didn’t get your way. 4. When pressed by family as to why, you couldn’t resist bragging that you had something to do with it. 5. You opened your husband up to a potential lawsuit for wrongful termination which could’ve been avoided if you just kept insisting you didn’t know why (because you don’t).
YTJ…” ImpossibleRise8240
Another User Comments:
“ESH – somebody is lying. I’d bet the husband told the cousin to not put the call through and is using the cousin as a scapegoat. Even after you demanded the cousin be fired, it took weeks? Doesn’t sound like your opinion carries the weight you believe it does.
Then you lied to your aunt, because you did know, or at least, you believed you knew why the cousin was fired. Seems to me that the Aunt is correct, that, if you are to be believed, the cousin was fired over your capriciousness. While I believe that family loyalty is a myth perpetuated only by those who seek to benefit from it, I think your husband isn’t being as forthcoming as perhaps would be appropriate in this situation, and I cannot help but wonder, why?” gurilagarden
Another User Comments:
“It was kinda a jerk move to ask him to fire her over one incident where she didn’t put you through to him, especially since you didn’t indicate it was anything urgent. But it sounds like that itself wasn’t the reason he fired her, since he had other complaints and since he only let her go a few weeks later.
Soft YTJ not for her getting fired since that was your husband’s choice but for telling him to fire her over one incident you had with her and for telling the family that you were the one who demanded she be fired, which makes you look controlling and like a bully.” tudorcat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She worked for your husband and your husband had specified he was fine with the calls. She should’ve asked your husband if he was available and if not asked him later to call back if he could. She ignored the blatant instruction.
This would only change if your husband was actually busy but that’s not how this reads to me. OP – I’m presuming your husband was on board with the decision and didn’t like her doing that?” bab_101
15. AITJ For Staying With My Sister While She's In Labor Instead Of My Sick Dad?
“My parents had 3 kids, me (m30), my sister (f26) and my brother (m23). Our mom unfortunately passed away 15 years ago, and my father started drinking too much and neglecting his children, so I started taking care of my siblings as the elder.
I also had to take care of my dad occasionally since he didn’t have anyone else in the extended family willing to do so and the only friends he had were also addicts.
My brother and sister went NC with my dad, but I couldn’t do so since I still had responsibility for him.
I never spent time with him outside of finding him somewhere in the city blackout wasted and then getting him home. My siblings offered to help me out in taking care of him, but I refused because I knew they hated his guts.
One day when this happened again, I had a big argument with my father about his behavior.
He acted very remorseful and guilty for messing up our childhood, and I told him that the only way he can make things better is to get sober since now he is ruining our adulthood too along with that. He gave me a promise, and surprisingly, he was holding on alright.
Now onto the situation. My sister was 9 months pregnant back when this occurred and could give birth at any possible moment. My brother and I were spending time with her when her contractions started, so we called her husband from work and all arrived at the hospital. During that time, my dad’s friend had been calling me repeatedly, and when we finally arrived at the hospital, I was able to answer his call.
He told me to come quickly as my dad had booze poisoning. I was scared for him but also livid that he drank again with his friends.
Fortunately, he ended up alive, but I asked him why was he not staying sober when he said he didn’t want to go to rehab and could handle everything by himself.
He told me that going fully clean is hard to which I agreed, but I also told him that having a drink or two and getting intoxicated to the point you get booze poisoning is not the same thing. I also told him that I wouldn’t be taking care of him anymore and that I was going to get him to rehab instead.
My dad was not happy with the fact that I ignored an emergency but understood everything else I said and agreed to rehab.
My brother supported me and told me that my dad should be thankful I was empathetic enough to not go NC with him and taking care of him for years, but my dad’s friends all called me a jerk for not arriving as he could’ve easily died, and they couldn’t possibly take care of him.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad chose to drink. He chooses to continue drinking. He chose to drink until he had booze poisoning. His so-called “friends” want to put the blame for his situation on you in order to take it off them. They were there; they claim to be his friends.
They could have tried to stop him from drinking that much. Also, there was nothing you could do anyway; he obviously needed emergency care for the poisoning — and even if you were an ER physician yourself, you wouldn’t be able to do anything on your own.
He needed to go to the ER, where they have the knowledge, skills, and equipment to save him.
Addicts do in fact often need to “hit bottom” before they finally realize how they’re screwing up their own lives as well as the lives of the people who care about them.
Hitting bottom often means they’ve alienated everyone who cares about them to the extent that they no longer have anyone willing to enable them or help them or make excuses for them. This is what your father needs: Everyone who cares about him finally saying “no” to “helping” him any further, because it’s not help.
It’s enabling.” BogBabe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s heartbreaking, but at some point, your father is going to have to accept responsibility for his actions. A recovering addict once told me that if they don’t hit rock bottom, they’ll never find the motivation to get better.
I don’t know if that’s true for everyone, but it sounds like it may be for your dad. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but try to remember that he is grown and you are the child, not the parent. If he is ruining your adulthood, you can walk away.
I’m not saying you have to, or even that you should, but you are allowed to. Hugs.” that-1-chick-u-know
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your dad’s friends are chief enablers. Maybe co-dependent drinking buddies? If he can handle getting sober on his own, he can handle booze poisoning on his own.
Don’t enable him, but you may need to be prepared that he may die because of his addiction. This happened with my mom. She died at 52, 20 years ago. I left the house because I had enough. My sister stayed and tried to care for her, but in the end, the causes of her drinking and her inability to overcome are what killed her.
Not me leaving and despite my sister’s best efforts. Maybe things are not so bad for you. I hope that’s the case, but you are definitely not the jerk.” von_klauzewitz
14. WIBTJ For Uninviting My Mom To An Abroad Yoga Retreat?
“I’m going to an island near Athens Greece this summer for a week yoga retreat.
This is a “bucket list” trip for me.
I invited my mom and offered to pay for all of her expenses. She accepted.
Recently, I learned two other kids are coming with their moms. Both kids are the same age as my oldest. The yoga instructor organizing the trip told me that if I bring my child, she will have a kids’ yoga teacher join us.
That teacher will host the kids for two yoga sessions a day and a kid-only breakfast every morning (so around four hours a day he’ll be occupied).
I was ecstatic because I’m already nervous about leaving my 4 1/2-year-old for this long of a trip, so I suggested to my mom that he come along with us.
She reacted by giving me an ultimatum, “If he goes, I’m not going.”
My point of view: I’m paying for all of her expenses, and I want my child to join me. If my child joins me, I’m gonna have a better time there, and it could be transformational for him.
She’ll have her own room and bathroom in a villa shared with a few other women of various ages (also participating in the retreat). So she’ll have space away from him when she wants it. As a bonus, I won’t be leaving three kids at home with my husband for 10 days, just two.
So it relieves some of his childcare duties for that time period.
Her perspective: she does not want to go to Greece if my 4 1/2-year-old will come with us. She believes that he makes me too frustrated, and I take my frustration out on her.
Reality: The reason why I get frustrated with her, is because I don’t like how she “parents” him. He is an excellent traveler, and I really want him to go. I’m a million times more excited about the trip with the prospect of him coming.
I’m going to try to talk my mom into going WITH him…but, if she still insists that she won’t go, would I be the jerk for taking him anyway and letting her drop out?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – this trip was originally painted as a mother-daughter thing.
Throwing a little kid into the mix will change things completely. Those are two very different trips, and I can understand wanting one but not the other. Also, when you approached your mom with this, you said you suggested that he come along – that’s reasonable enough, but why did you bother to ask if you were only going to be content with a positive response?
In light of the original agreement with your mom and the fact that you asked about bringing your kid (implying she had a choice in the matter), I do think it’s kind of jerk behavior to go ahead and do it anyway. At the end of the day, it’s your time and your money, so you can do what you want, but you did pull the rug out from under her.” Right_Count
Another User Comments:
“ESH, but how will it be transformative for a 4.5-year-old? Upgrading to YTJ. The more I think about it, the more I realize that this is a terrible, age-inappropriate trip for a child that age. He will be so bored with the kind of activities you’ve described, and your mother knows it.
This will make both of them miserable and you in turn. I’m assuming some of these events are organized & probably inclined towards adults as well? So will you be taking him to these things & just expecting everyone to “understand”? You’re being selfish.” HeartShapedSea
Another User Comments:
“I lean toward YTJ because you got her all pumped up about one thing then changed the plan. Two things you said stick out to me. “Reality: The reason why I get frustrated with her, is because I don’t like how she “parents” him.” along with .
. . “Sure, he can be loud and defiant, but to refuse to go in on an all-expenses-paid vacation to Greece over it, it just feels a bit overkill.” This makes me want to ask if you are honest with yourself about your child’s behaviors. I teach 4-year-olds, and I love all my babies.
That said, there are several in my class, that without a pause for breath, I would turn down a fully paid world cruise if it meant I had to deal with them on what was supposed to be a relaxing vacation. No accusations just a suggestion that you pause and consider.” OldMammaSpeaks
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk, but expecting a yoga retreat to be “transformative” for an under five-year-old is a biiig stretch (no pun intended). Your child will probably have almost no memory of this trip, whereas this could create treasured memories for you and your mother together.
Ultimately, it’s your money and your call entirely. Just be realistic with your expectations for a 4.5-year-old’s experience of yoga.” Professional-Band323
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. It sounds like it’s your mother who will stress you out, not your child. I get that your mother was probably looking forward to some quality time with you, but when people become parents, their kids often take priority.
It also sounds like you need to set some boundaries with your mother so she’s not parenting your child. Things wouldn’t be nearly as stressful if she knew her place.” hazelnuddy
13. AITJ For Telling My Grandma Why Her Grandkids Don't Like Her?
“My grandmother always makes a super big deal out of presents. Nobody else in my family does things on the same level as her. Every year, the grandkids get “surprise” boxes for Christmas that take forever to get into, are filled with glitter, and have things that fly out/make super loud noises/flash.
I wasn’t diagnosed with autism until 2021. I always get super overwhelmed with these presents and dread them and the inevitable videos/photos that will end up on social media of me having a hard time masking anxiety spikes. I’ve mentioned not liking them before, but nothing changed, so I just kind of sucked it up.
I’m almost 10 years older than the next oldest grandkids, May and April, but am still closer to them than most of my family. They were both recently diagnosed with PTSD.
Basically what happened was: Presents were opened. May’s had something that sprang out towards her and triggered a panic response.
Someone tried to calm her down by touching her. May had a breakdown and was escorted outside by April. Photos ended up getting posted on social media, and May could be heard panicking in the background of videos of the smaller kids opening presents.
They didn’t come to a New Year’s dinner my family had earlier this week, and Grandma was livid.
They’d stayed with me on NYE, so she was asking me what was wrong with them. I told her that they were uncomfortable because of the situation at Christmas, so they were sitting this one out. She then accused us of hating her because we didn’t act appreciative of her gifts.
I said that we actually have a legitimate reason because every Christmas she gives her grandkids severe anxiety and then laughs about it on social media. This started a pretty big fight that ended with me getting kicked out and an angry call from my aunt, who basically chewed me out for being rude and told me not to talk to the girls anymore.
It’s been a few days, and I’m still struggling with my own judgment on this. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your grandma is actually very selfish, if she can’t see the trauma she’s putting the three of you through, none of you should have to be forced to be around her.
Unfortunately, a lot of the older generations don’t bother to update themselves on PTSD, anxiety, depression, etc. It’s unfortunate that the younger generations are forced to deal with the older generation’s ignorance because “that’s just how they grew up.” And, sadly, it seems your aunt is the same way.
I love my grandmas, but I’ve parted ways with one in particular because of the “respect your elders” bit, and it may seem mean, but I don’t regret it; she was a big part of causing my childhood depression. It’s better for my mental health.
Never place someone else above your mental health, even family. Regrettably, family is a huge damper on mental health when they’re not supportive of self-care.” Timely-Ad3334
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she may be clumsy but surely the point of presents is to show you care for them and give pleasure to the recipient.
When she can see that her over-the-top wrapping is causing semi-panic to sensitive children: -why- does she want to induce that in her ‘beloved’ grandchildren? Overwhelmed children are not funny. So Grandma posting it as a ‘funny’ reaction on social media suggests she is kind of incapable of having empathy with someone else.
In the discussion, as it is posted, it sounds like you simply pointed out what she has been doing for years. Maybe it’s guilt as she’s a bit self-centered and was incapable of considering that what she considers ‘fun’ has actually been rather unpleasant for the intended recipient.
She simply saw the surprise element of all your reactions and enjoyed that (ignoring other elements like the barely masked anxiety). She may not understand PTSD. Your aunt (her daughter) may be simply reacting to her mother’s distress at being called out. As the account stands, you definitely come across as NTJ.” cynical_old_mare
Another User Comments:
“No, but your cousin’s situation worries me. Why do they have PTSD, and why is their own mother not standing up for them and is totally ok with them having mental breakdowns because Grandma has an idea of how gifts should be and refuses to change it?!
I don’t believe these gifts are “traumatizing” per se but maybe uncomfortable. We don’t always get to choose what others give us, so freaking out about uncomfortable gifts and curbing anxiety by controlling others is some unhealthy gen z bull crap – but in this instance, one of the girls actually suffered mental distress and not being able to tell a family member that you are hurt or about a mental condition is unhealthy.
Your cousin’s mother has no maternal instinct – if it was my kids, I would be livid and I would make clear rules. Grandma seems to have some type of power. Next year, just make a point of not opening them. If pressured, say, “I prioritize my cousin’s mental health and well-being.” She will look crazy if she pushes on and their mother will be too ashamed to push on.
The time after that she might not want you there or will actually bring proper gifts. As for now – tell your aunt that you are confused and hurt that she seems to minimize her own children’s suffering. What is wrong with that woman?” [deleted]
12. AITJ For Refusing To Take My Stepdad's Last Name?
“My dad died when I was 6. My mom was with another guy a few months later. She had my two half-siblings with him and then he bailed. She met my stepdad when I was 9, and they got married fast. My half-siblings love him and call him Dad.
A year after they got married, he wanted to adopt all three of us. I said no, but they kept going. Only I was spoken to before the adoption could happen, and I told the judge I didn’t want to be adopted. So he said he would approve my half-siblings’ adoption but not mine.
They decided not to go ahead with it and try again. They did not actually get before a judge when they tried again two years later because they saw what I had said before and decided to deny the request.
Adoption was shelved because they couldn’t get anywhere.
I still don’t want him to be my dad legally. He’s not who I call dad, I don’t love him, and I don’t want to do it for any legal stuff either.
My half-siblings are being adopted again, and after some delays, my mom and stepdad wanted me to change my last name so we could all have the same family name.
I told them I didn’t want to change my name. So they delayed the adoption date twice and tried to convince me. The new date is in a few months and they are going in on the topic. My stepdad told me I rejected him as a legal dad, I could at least take his name.
I told him I wanted my dad’s name, not his. My mom then added pressure saying how much it would mean to them. How he has been a good dad to us when we didn’t have ours. How I should want the same name as her also, since we’ve had different names since she remarried. I told her she should love me enough not to push it and she should love Dad enough to not want his only kid to have his name replaced by some other man.
She told me that I was being insensitive. My stepdad was all kinds of mad that I would bring up dad that way and he’s bitter that I don’t want to have his name or to be his son.
Things are so freaking tense now.
I’ve still got two years left of living here (I’m 16) so I’m stuck here in a house where nobody is happy right now. So I wanna know if I’m the jerk for it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but for your own sanity maybe just stop engaging when they want to talk about it.
You’ve already explained your feelings and your reasoning on it, and it’s not getting you anywhere but back to the beginning of the loop. Personally, I would let them keep talking to me about it and just respond where needed to not cause any more fights.
When they get you back in front of a judge again, be very nice and polite to the judge. Tell them no you don’t want this and give them your reasoning. They will back you like the last one did. If this next hearing is just for you, I would probably go as far as to also apologize to the judge and tell them you are sorry for wasting their time because you’ve already told your mom and stepdad no on this (for a while now) but they keep harassing you about it and bringing you back in front of a judge anyway.
Tell them your answer will not change. Maybe that will open the door for them to step in and keep your mom and stepdad from trying it again after that. Good luck.” hbekk92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My dad died when I was 5 — he and my mom were separated (he had an affair), and my mom hated his guts.
She remarried a couple of years later, and while my stepfather didn’t adopt me & my sister, my mom petitioned the courts to change our last name. (She didn’t want him to adopt us because my dad’s death benefits would stop.) I hated having my stepdad’s last name.
It was super common, and I went to school with other kids with my name. As soon as I turned 18, I went back to my dad’s last name. (I didn’t have to legally change it, since the court paperwork said I MAY use my stepdad’s last name, plus my mom never updated my name with Social Security.) I always felt like my mom tried to erase my dad’s existence.
I didn’t know anything about him, and if I asked questions, my mom would tell me she didn’t want to talk about it. I mean, I get that she was hurt when he had an affair, but she held onto that hatred until she died. Sob story over.
You want to honor your dad by keeping his last name – there is NOTHING wrong with that.” ailweni
Another User Comments:
“You, young man, are not a jerk. I am so proud of you for knowing what you want and don’t want and speaking up for who you are and want to be.
Good on you! You have every right to carry your father’s name and to not be adopted. Your younger siblings can and should be adopted whether you are or not. I don’t really understand why the adults have set adoption up as a package deal – all three of you or none of you.
It makes one think there might be some other motive since they are going so hard on this.
I am sorry things are tense at home for you now. It really shouldn’t be. You have already done part of this, but please try again. In a non-confrontational way, sit down with your mom and her husband and explain to them that you are thankful for the role the husband is playing in your life and all he has done and is doing for you, your mom, and your siblings.
Then explain to them again that it’s important to you to remain your dad’s son and not be adopted. Whatever they say to you, please try not to get angry. Just let it roll off. Give them all the time they need to explain why this is so important to them and how they and you will benefit.
At the end of the conversation, restate your position, tell your mom you love her, and show her husband gratitude. You are amazing! I am sure your dad would be proud.” ixtlan66210
11. AITJ For Being Upset That My FIL Booked A Family Trip That Conflicts With My Honeymoon Plans?
“My husband and I got engaged in early March and married in December of last year. When my husband’s father asked about honeymoon plans, we told him we were trying to plan something after the wedding, in late April or early May.
We told him we were saving my PTO (10 days per year) to take one big trip for the year (our honeymoon) this year. We also bought a house last year, so between wedding planning and moving, we haven’t really gotten around to actually booking the tickets for the honeymoon yet.
My father-in-law floated the idea of having the whole family go to Hawaii this year, but we explicitly told him that we would not be able to make that trip because we were planning our honeymoon and we couldn’t do both in the same year.
Then two weeks ago, my father-in-law tells us that he has booked an all-inclusive paid vacation for us, my sister-in-law and her husband and kids, his other sister, father-in-law’s partner, his partner’s daughter, son, and their partners- everyone in my husband’s family is going on this trip, which is paid for entirely by my father-in-law.
Then both his father and sister started asking and pressuring us to join this trip.
I know that a free trip to Hawaii sounds like an ideal situation, but the trip is in mid-April of this year. I really wanted to use my PTO for my husband and I to go abroad for two weeks.
If we go to Hawaii, I’ll either have to reschedule my honeymoon, possibly for next year, which is upsetting in itself because I feel like my honeymoon has been hijacked by a trip I can’t say no to or will have to cut the honeymoon short in order to do both this year.
At first, I told my husband I was mad that his dad is planning this trip and guilt-tripping us into going, knowing for almost a year that this is the same timeframe we were planning our honeymoon for. My husband said he didn’t want to go without me, and so hesitantly I have agreed to go because I don’t want to be the reason he misses a trip of a lifetime with his family.
But internally I’m still angry that I feel like my honeymoon got hijacked. I don’t want to be a brat- I recognize that this is an amazing opportunity. But I really wanted to go on my honeymoon with my husband, not my husband and his entire family.
I wish I could be excited about the Hawaii trip, but I just feel disappointed that my father-in-law planned this trip when he knew we were planning a honeymoon, and then got everyone in the family on board so we’d have to say yes or end up being the jerks by missing it.
My husband has been supportive, but my friends have told me that my anger about this is misplaced and that I would be a jerk for refusing to change our honeymoon plans and missing the Hawaii trip with my husband and his family. AITJ for being upset about having to push off or shorten my honeymoon plans to accommodate my husband’s family’s trip?”
Another User Comments:
“I wanted to throw my two cents in. I’d go to Hawaii this year and honeymoon next year. Most people (that I know) do honeymoons pretty quickly after their wedding. Your honeymoon was already five months out, and if your original plans would have sufficed, waiting an extra year, calling it an “anniversary honeymoon,” taking the time to reconnect with your husband (congrats, by the way!), reminiscing about how much you’ve done together and how much you’ve grown and how much more in love you’ve fallen over the past 1-1.5 years, etc., etc., etc. That could be really, really, really nice.
An all-expenses paid trip to Hawaii sounds really, really, really nice too. And it sounds like your husband would really like to do it and do it with you. It also kind of sounds like you agreed to it, even though, technically, you could have put your foot down a while ago.
Regardless, marriage will be a LOT more compromising than this down the road. Things won’t always go how you want them to go, and being flexible and understanding will get you a lot farther with your marriage and in life. Be disappointed for a little longer about this trip not looking how you wanted it to – and then dust yourself off and reframe it.
Because there’s absolutely no point in trying to do everything you want and also pouting through it. You will only ruin it for yourself.
Go to Hawaii, and have the best time that you can. Make sure your husband enjoys being with his family because family IS important.
Then immediately start planning an amazing honeymoon with non-refundable plans so nothing – and no one – can get in your way next year.” chapstickfordummies
Another User Comments:
“I’d say YTJ, because you make it look like you didn’t have a choice. You did have it, and you chose to go.
Sure, if FIL would have planned it for next year, it would have suited your needs better, but that’s not what happened. They can insist all the way they want, but going with them is still your decision as a couple. So now that you accepted, enjoy your free trip to Hawaii, and you can go on a short honeymoon weekend this year and have a longer one next year.” Timely_Proposal_1821
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I would recommend going to Hawaii this year with the caveat that your REAL honeymoon will be later. Your in-laws probably view this (especially if they are paying for it) as them helping you take your honeymoon. It’s clueless, but kind.
“Now you don’t have to worry about paying for it!” My husband and I are going to Hawaii for our honeymoon this year… And our 19th anniversary. We were beyond broke when we got married, so our initial honeymoon was a weekend at a kitschy hotel.
But we both agreed it wasn’t a real honeymoon.
Smile, take the free vacation, and save some money and time for an even better vacation. Your husband will be happy, your in-laws will be happy, and you’ll even get a tropical vacation out of it while planning an even better honeymoon.” kittencaboodle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you made your timeframes clear to FIL, and he disregarded them for whatever reasons (other than being a massive jerk). It would be more than reasonable for you to tell him where to stick it. Really, I think you have three options to consider: Either you both don’t go, your husband goes, or you both go.
All have their issues, and I think only a change of perspective will make you truly happy with one of them. If you both don’t go and instead go ahead and book your honeymoon (either for the same time or whenever around the time), will you enjoy it as much as you’d hoped?
Will it cause an issue between you and your new husband? You’re well within your rights to do this, and FIL would just have to******* up and next time might actually listen to you. Your anger about the situation isn’t just going to go away, and his actions appear to suggest he hasn’t considered you both when booking this holiday.
If just your husband goes, will you resent him being away without you? Then will that sour the honeymoon? You’d have to be quite secure (and maybe a saint), not to be mad that he’d be off enjoying the holiday of a lifetime without you, so maybe this is the worst option?
If you both go, will you end up being miserable the whole time because you’ll be thinking about your honeymoon? Could you use the time in Hawaii as a pre-honeymoon and book some trips, just you and your husband? Just because you’re on holiday with them, doesn’t mean you have to spend every second with them.
Could you catch a flight from Hawaii to wherever you wanted to go on your honeymoon, so do a week there and a week for the honeymoon?
These are compromises, but a Hawaii trip isn’t the worst thing to compromise over. Personally, if your FIL is paying for everything involved with the Hawaii trip, I’d be inclined to go, but make sure you have some alone time without the family (but then I’m a sucker for a freebie).
Could you view it as two holidays for the price of one when you came to book the honeymoon?” alwayscold666
10. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Parents For Paying For My Brother's Education But Not My Study Abroad?
“My parents have always told my brother (M18) and I (F20) that our college fund only had enough savings for us to study locally.
If we want to go overseas, we have to get a scholarship.
When I finished my exams, I got scholarships at every university I applied to, including a government scholarship (with 7 selection rounds) to study overseas. I turned it down because the bond was for 6 years, and I didn’t want to be tied down in my 20s when I could be exploring new opportunities.
I’m currently studying locally on a scholarship. My parents only pay for dorm fees, so my college fund is untouched.
My brother is applying to Ivy League schools this year, and my parents suddenly said that as long he gets into the school that he wants, he doesn’t need to worry about the tuition.
They will take savings out from their retirement fund to pay for his college education, but he has to eventually pay them the difference between his school fees and the sum in his college fund.
I was very angry about this because my parents have made a point to tell us repeatedly how they don’t practice favoritism and have always treated us equally.
Instead, they refused to give me the opportunity to study overseas (would cost 250k) but suddenly decided to pay for my brother (500k uni fees) such that he would be able to take any job he wanted after graduating without any commitments. There have been no changes in my parents’ financial status over the past few years; we didn’t suddenly win the lottery such that there is extra bucks to spend.
My parents and I had a huge argument about it, and my father said that I had no right to their finances and that I should have the grace to be happy for my brother and the opportunities that he has.
AITJ for being resentful and arguing with my parents about their decision to pay for my brother and not for me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I don’t blame you for being resentful, but I don’t know what good arguing about it is going to do. They might pull your dorm fees if you keep on.
From my experience, this is not an unusual “first child” problem.
My BIL (oldest) had to pay 100% of his university costs; his parents paid for his youngest sister 100%. My oldest sister had to take out a student loan for some of her university costs (although my parents paid for most of it). My parents paid for mine (outside of scholarships and my part-time job).
My friend’s oldest daughter got a full-ride scholarship to a state university, and they wouldn’t even -consider- paying a penny extra for a private dorm, then they paid big bucks for their youngest to attend a small, private liberal arts college.
Do your parents control your college account, or is it “yours”?
If you can, use the fund on graduate school, and congratulate yourself on keeping your undergraduate costs low so you can afford any grad school you want.” SamSpayedPI
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Make sure they know that favoritism means they better expect him to be the one in charge of their old age care unless they already have plans.
What’s probably going to happen is he’ll either screw it all up because he didn’t have to work for any of it amd they’re going to come crying to you for help or he’ll be doing great but will live so far away he can’t help with anything, so they’ll come crying to you for help.
Get as far away from that mess as soon as you can. They’re going to play favorites, and they’ll see the consequences of it later.” tabbycat4
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. I’m fairly sure you’re in Singapore, so I’m going to give a Singaporean perspective.
1) First child syndrome/last child privilege – your parents might have been unsure if they have enough finances for both you and your brother, so they said local only, so they would have enough savings. When you got a scholarship, they realised how little they spent, and they figured they do have enough to splurge.
(I know a few people this happened to: local for the older kids, overseas for the youngest.)
2) Brand name – your parents are ok because it’s Ivy League (think of the bragging rights). If it was Uni of Malaysia, they wouldn’t be so keen.
3) You mentioned “retirement fund” – I’m pretty sure they are paying for it from their CPF/CPF education loan, which has to be paid back.
4) info: are you going on exchange/will they fund your overseas exchange?
I can understand how you feel robbed of the opportunity but… things like this just happen.
I wouldn’t let it poison your relationship.” sitsthewind
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents aren’t just blatantly displaying favoritism. They’re also taking a huge risk. Withdrawing that much from their retirement savings will have a huge opportunity cost. If they left the finances where it is, compound interest would help their retirement accounts grow.
Unless your brother is willing and able to repay them with interest in a short amount of time (which is pretty much guaranteed to not happen) they’re sabotaging their retirement years. They’ll need you or your brother to make up the difference. Make it very clear to your brother that, if he spends their retirement savings on his education, he’ll be responsible for supporting them for the rest of their lives.
He’ll likely completely disregard the conversation and will expect you to provide as much or more support to your parents than he does. But at least you will have tried to warn him.” throw05282021
9. AITJ For Canceling A Trip With My Friend For Inviting His Wife And Friends?
“So my buddy and I work different schedules; he’s shift work, and I’m a 9-5 person. We have a history of doing like 1-night trips where we go and chill and check out fun restaurants and stuff in nearby cities – check out the local food scene, have drinks, and catch up.
My birthday is coming up, and as I have PTO and he doesn’t, I told him I’d take a PTO, and it’d be chill if we could keep our tradition alive, that was my bday ask. A nice little night out for the both of us.
He said yeah, sounds great, and I was excited.
Out of the blue, he tells me today that he invited his wife, his best friend (who I’ve met like twice), and his best friend’s partner who I don’t know. He didn’t ask, he told me, and said we’d be staying at his mother-in-law’s and said “isn’t that exciting now we don’t have to pay for a hotel”.
I get that he thinks it’s nice? The more the merrier from his point of view, and he was like, “Oh, they’re there to celebrate you” but I don’t really know his other best friend, though he’s sweet, and I don’t know his best friend’s partner.
I wanted to celebrate my birthday with my bud and keep our friends trip thing going, and I’m super uncomfortable with celebrating my bday with people I don’t really know under the pretense of “my birthday” especially because it feels like 1) I wasn’t asked, this feels like it’s more him co-opting the trip for his own fun and 2) I’m super uncomfortable being the 5th wheel especially because they’re…party people who like to partake of things that make the vibe more touchy-feely party-like and I’d be sitting there alone while they end up making out.
So I told him I am not into him inviting 3 other people without asking me, I’m not into being a 5th wheel, and I’m not into turning the middle of the week into a rave so have fun without me. I took the next day off, but I’m not looking to go crazy in the middle of a work week.
I am pretty disappointed.
AITJ for canceling my trip with my buddy after he invited a bunch of people to a buddy trip without asking and turned me into the 5th wheel?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. What a massive jerk move on his part.
He wanted to do something different with his budget than your usual trip? He wanted to party with his wife, buddy, and the buddy’s wife? Okay, fine. But if he didn’t want to go on the trip with you as planned, he owed you the common courtesy of just saying so and canceling.
He didn’t have the right to change your birthday trip into a completely different event. Claiming that these people who are basically strangers to you would be there to celebrate your birthday is disingenuous nonsense. Yes, I get that you met his buddy 2x. But do you KNOW him?
Is he one of YOUR friends? Do you two have any connection of your own? Would you ever have thought to hang out with him without your mutual friend? No, he’s just an acquaintance at most and no reasonable person would be okay with this.” ChocolateCoveredGold
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he totally hijacked your birthday trip, changing the place to stay from a hotel to his relative’s home and inviting his own relatives and friends to come along. It is your birthday trip, you invited your friend. If there were to be more people invited they would be your family and friends, not his.
You would be doing the activities you wanted, not his. Then there is justification afterward. He doesn’t care about how you feel or think about it – he actually tells you what to think and feel. ‘You should be happy that…’ like you should somehow be grateful to him.
He is dismissive and by telling you that you ought to be grateful that you are getting to come along to what he has organized, shows he has very little respect or regard for you. He has stopped thinking about you and is only thinking about himself.
I think this friendship is over as far as being one of any true depth.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with nobody’s the jerk. It doesn’t seem to be intentional exclusion, since you are still welcome. I certainly get not wanting to be 5th wheel though.
You did the right thing, canceling YOUR trip, not his. Move on, I suspect you value his friendship more than he values yours. Maybe find a new buddy for solo trips.” joe_eddie_13
8. AITJ For Kicking My Sister-In-Law Out Of My Home?
“I was having my brother and his family over for the holidays, and all was going pretty well. We were spending time with each other and being civil.
I was walking by their room with the laundry when I overheard my brother and his wife arguing over something.
It was something about her promising to not do something but having done it recently. I quickly left and thought nothing of it and didn’t mention it.
My SIL (sister-in-law) works at a big corporation where we’re from. The two men who own the business are notorious for having affairs on their wives with their female employees.
My SIL always tries to outdo everyone like when she told my sister that we were all supposed to dress casually for an event she was hosting, and my sister showed up in jeans and a sweater while everyone was wearing fancy clothes.
The next day, my brother was in a bad mood while my SIL kept asking him what we had done to him.
He told her to just leave it. She insisted that we should talk about what my family had done to upset him. He got up and went to their room. My friend who works at the company told me that people in the company were talking about the fact that she had recently slept with one of the bosses for benefits and had done it before.
I told her it wasn’t possible and that I had to go.
I walked past their room and overheard my SIL telling my brother that if he divorced her, she would take the children. I was appalled because she’s usually been wonderful. Later, at dinner, things were a little tense.
She kept nagging on brother telling him his bad mood didn’t suit him, that he was embarrassing her, and that I must be ashamed to have a brother like him. I snapped and told her that I was embarrassed that I had her as a SIL and that her doing that to my brother wouldn’t be tolerated and that she should get the heck out.
Everyone froze, and they quickly got up and left after a minute.
My brother messaged me the next day telling me it was my fault and that I ruined the holidays and shouldn’t meddle in people’s relationships. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She wanted to use her body as a means of advancement; she can suffer the consequences for it.
In your shoes, I wouldn’t allow her back in my home. If she gets upset at people judging her for her behavior, then she shouldn’t have done it in the first place. I feel for your brother being put in a bad spot with the threat of taking the kids, and for the mental toll this is assuredly taking on him.
He’s probably not in the best mental state to think clearly about who’s being a jerk in this situation.” Trajans
Another User Comments:
“This is so confusing; I think it is fake. If it isn’t fake, then all I can go with is ESH, except maybe your brother.
You because it sounds like at some point you eavesdropped on conversations and stuck your nose into their business and were rude to guests in your house. And your SIL, who you think is usually “wonderful” even though she lied to your sister and is unfaithful to your brother, sucks because she doesn’t sound “wonderful.” She sounds cruel.” introspectiveliar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for calling out her observable behavior at the dinner table but you shouldn’t have mentioned anything you heard secondhand or through eavesdropping (even accidental). It’s not right for her to treat your brother like that, but it’s up to him to set those boundaries and you likely embarrassed him by sharing that info in the way you did.
You would’ve been entirely entitled to defend against her remarks to you, saying you aren’t at all ashamed of him and what’s actually bothering people is her berating him for how he is being.
If you’re concerned about him, you could’ve pulled him aside and asked him about it privately or offered a listening ear, instead of airing personal info that isn’t yours to share (and may not even be true) at a family dinner.
If you want to support him, your behavior has likely only pushed him away from you.
Apologize for talking about things that you weren’t involved in, you can tell him you care and it comes from a good place and you’ll be here for him no matter what, and you don’t like him being spoken to/about like that, but take responsibility for the parts you shouldn’t have done.
Then give him space to calm down and forgive in his own time.” BeeHonest94
Another User Comments:
“You definitely overstepped. You’re going off a rumor and eavesdropping and your brother clearly did not want or ask for your involvement. From your POV SIL seems like a piece of work but she’s your brother’s piece of work until he or she says otherwise, keep your nose clean of it.
What if she didn’t sleep with the boss or did and he agreed to it or encouraged it? What if it’s just a rumor and their fighting is unrelated? Just focus on your own life. ESH.” Scouty2010
7. AITJ For Ordering Double Food Because People Keep Trying To Share Off My Plate?
“I don’t like sharing my meals with people. I’ve often been in situations where people want to try my food which puts me in an awkward spot. If it was just one bite it would be more tolerable but often people will get their saliva onto cutlery and then use that to take more food.
I don’t want other people’s saliva and microbiota contaminating my food – gross. I’m meticulous about planning my caloric and protein intake. I log everything I eat, and if someone has eaten a part of my portion it makes tracking my calories and macros very difficult.
I’m trying to bulk up and it bothers me when I don’t meet my protein goals. If people eat a third of my protein, I’m hungry and losing potential gains.
Lately, whenever I go out for a meal or order in with people, I order 2 of everything I want.
I will pay for the extra portion. I’m not passing my bill on to anyone else, I’m happy to pay for the extra food. When people ask to try my food, there’s an extra portion. I’ve gotten a few odd glances but it’s never been an issue.
I don’t eat anyone else’s food and I really want to enjoy all of my food. If someone wants to try what I’m eating, there’s a separate plate with the same exact food. If the extra portion isn’t fully consumed, I have tasty takeaway or leftovers.
Seems like a win-win.
Recently my sister and I went out for a steak dinner at an expensive restaurant. I always pay. I thought it best to double-check that I’d get my full steak so I asked if she was going to try any of mine.
She said yes so I called the server and asked for an extra portion. My sister was so put off that I ordered another steak just because she wanted to try mine. I explained I wanted my full plate; she could have as much of the extra order as she liked, and I’d pack the rest for later.
She was not happy with that. It really threw off the vibe of our meal together. We made small talk, but it seemed like two annoyed strangers tolerating each other rather than family catching up.
Later, I learned my sister was extremely upset, and she has brought this up with many family members.
She has said I acted like a selfish jerk, and a few family members have agreed that not sharing with family is a jerk move. I’m struggling to understand this. I am sharing because I’m paying for the extra portion. I’m just not sharing my plate, but they do get to try everything I’m eating.
In the situation with my sister, there was a full extra steak that I paid for, and she could have as much as she wanted. How is that selfish? I love her and all that, but that doesn’t mean I want her saliva in my food.
I thought ordering more was a fair compromise but my sister still thinks I’m a jerk for not sharing my plate.
Am I missing something here? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. I cannot stand when people, family or not, assume that we’re all gonna share our food without even asking if anyone wants to share in the first place.
If I feel like it, I will offer some, but if I don’t, respect that, and don’t try to force me to take some of yours with the intention of forcing me to reciprocate out of guilt!
10 or 15 years ago, I got into an argument with my mom over breakfast biscuits.
We were having brunch at my brother’s for Christmas. I had a whole biscuit on my plate, and my mom wanted me to share half of it. But my brother had just put out a tray of fresh-out-of-the-oven biscuits right in front of her. When I pointed that out, she said she didn’t want a whole biscuit; she just wanted half.
I said, “Just take half of one of the fresh ones,” but she was adamant that she wanted mine. I said, “Fine, you can have half of my biscuit, but I’m taking one of the whole fresh ones.” Then she proceeds to get upset that there will still be half of a biscuit not eaten because I wanted a whole biscuit.
Then she called me selfish because I wasn’t sharing the way she wanted.
This is the same woman who wanted to take a bite of my hot pocket sandwich that I had just taken out of the microwave even though she had her own in the freezer that takes 2 minutes to make.
This was my entire teens and early adulthood. Like, what the heck, lady? Also, my sister was a master in the art of, “No, I don’t want anything at the store. No really, I’m good. Really, I’m not even hungry. I don’t even like those kinds of snacks.” A few hours later… Walking into my room, “Hey what kind of snacks you got?”
Needless to say, I have some major food issues and also habitually overbuy things to make sure I FEEL like I have enough.” PTXLover_4Eva
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – just stop going out to eat with people who don’t respect your boundaries. It’s crazy that people think they have to right to pick off your plate.
Add to that that everyone is talking to each other behind your back instead of directly to you, which makes all of them jerks. Probably should give your family a break from dining with you for a bit since they can’t treat you with basic respect.
When this situation presents itself again, know that ordering an extra plate is a weird way to solve this issue. Instead, don’t ask what your dining partner plans to do. You can solve this by simply stating that you prefer he/she not eat off your plate because it weirds you out from a hygiene perspective.
Say this when your food arrives. That is a much more culturally acceptable compromise, especially post-2020 era.” OkSeat4312
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, while it’s not necessarily the “norm” to order an extra portion because somebody wants to try a bite of your food, the fact that you are paying for yourself I think makes you not the jerk.
If you became aggressive because someone asked to try your food or insisted on splitting the bill 50/50, I would feel differently.
While it’s not wrong for you to say no and not want to share, it is in a way a jerk move to refuse to share, and you can be justified in your actions and still be the “jerk.” However, I’m surprised your sister wasn’t already used to the way that you order and go about sharing.
The fact that she acted shocked and then went around complaining to all of your family members is awful no matter which way you slice it, so she is definitely the jerk.
On a separate note, I completely understand your concern about germs. Have you tried cutting off a piece of your dish that others have wanted to try and putting it on a plate to avoid anyone’s cutlery touching yours?
That might be a good solution in the event it wasn’t an item you were tracking calorie-wise.” Vivid-Volume6917
6. AITJ For Immediately Moving Out Of My In-Laws' House?
“My (34F) husband (37M) passed away last year (sudden death, no illness) and I didn’t have a place of my own.
I stayed with my in-laws, thinking that they’d lost their son and being with their grandchild (5M) would help them while grieving. My original plan was to stay until a year passed by since his death, and I tied up some loose ends as far as my husband’s debt was concerned. In the meantime, my in-laws kept escalating their complaints against me – that I didn’t wake up early (I have to commute 75-90 minutes to my workplace and I wake up by 6.30-7 am), that I didn’t take care of my son (I’m now a single parent and I cannot be with him through the day, since I have to work), that I don’t do all the housework (I take care of the laundry, look after my son when I’m at home (includes keeping on top of his school schedule, taking him out to activities weekly, reading with him), clean every day, and help with cooking whenever I am home).
Last week, things escalated. I visit my parents with my son every other weekend, and my in-laws kept saying he always fell sick whenever he came back to their (in-laws) place and that he keeps losing weight whenever he visits my parents. Now, he’s a 5-year-old who is in school.
He gets a cold twice a month and a mild temp every three to four months. He has some genetic allergies, and that is all being addressed with his doctors. His weight, according to his doctors, is perfectly within range, and he has met all his developmental goals on time, if not earlier.
After last week’s visit, over the New Year, they started singing the same tune. I texted my parents and told them I don’t want to be there anymore.
I packed up a few necessities, took my son, and left for my parents’. I’m looking for a place of my own near my folks and hope to move into a house soon.
The in-laws are now calling me and my parents to yell at us, to call me a bad mom, to say I’m selfish, etc. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m sorry for the inexcusable behavior of your in-laws.
I realize that they’re grieving the loss of their son, but that doesn’t give them a free pass to take it out on you and treat you the way they have. You did the right thing by leaving. You and your son both deserve a safe place to call home, to figure things out, and to be able to work through your own grief process.
Also, based on their accusations and past behavior, I would be very concerned about what they might do in the future.
They strike me as the types of people who might try to sue for grandparents’ rights or custody out of spite, grief, anger, or in a desperate attempt to hang on to the memory of their son by trying to take yours.
It wouldn’t hurt to speak with an attorney to protect both you and your son. Keep track of everything. Their emails, texts, voicemails, or any other kind of communication, especially those with threats and accusations. Write down dates, times, and locations. Keep copies of your son’s medical records to show that he’s in good health should they file claims with authorities.
I truly hope I’m wrong and this never happens, but if it does, you can be prepared and ready for whatever may happen.” __Butternut_Squash__
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. But just consider that some states have grandparent rights. (Not sure what they’re called).
Like since your husband passed away, some states allow grandparents to file for visitation rights of sorts. Especially since you lived with them so they have a relationship and aren’t just estranged grandparents. I know moving out doesn’t necessarily mean you’d never let your son see them, but just a warning because based on how they talk to you I wouldn’t be surprised if they pulled something like this.
Especially if you moved out and they felt that you’re an awful mother as it was.” OddNastySatisfaction
Another User Comments:
“Your in-laws may resent that their son died and you are now in charge of their grandson. Seems their actions were aimed at diminishing you as a parent and hoping to establish your parents as inadequate.
It boomeranged on them when you moved out and turned to your parents. Always amazes me that people choose meanness and control in relationships instead of kindness and love where goodwill works so much better. Indeed tell them their treatment of you was hostile and convinced you that they didn’t want you or your son with them.” 2ndcupofcoffee
5. AITJ For Wanting My Neighbors To Move Their Kids' Stuff Out Of Our Shared Entryway?
“My (F, 29) partner (M, 33) and I moved to Amsterdam 1.5 years ago, and we live on the first floor of a 3-story building.
If you have never been to Amsterdam, it’s good to know that the buildings usually have a very small entryway and incredibly steep stairs. In our case, the size is 9 square feet. Our neighbors (M, 35 and F, 32) from the top floor had a baby when we first moved in, and, as of a few months, had a second baby.
Ever since we moved in, the ridiculously small entryway had a folded stroller at the bottom of the stairs, covering half of the first step.
The stroller makes it difficult to bring in groceries, to get in and out of the apartment with luggage when we’re traveling, and also whenever we all receive packages, it’s an all-around crap show.
More often than not, a bunch of the steps of the staircase have boxes of our neighbors’ deliveries on them because there’s simply no room for them at the entranceway. We often have to move the heavy stroller and leave it outside, in front of the building while we’re moving things.
We were always empathetic with them and never complained, just decided to deal with it. However, after their second baby was born, it became a larger problem as they started leaving their stroller open at the entryway for hours on end, instead of folded and leaning on the wall.
They also added a large umbrella and a children’s tricycle and many times left the baby’s bassinet in our little hallway too, sometimes WITH THE BABY.
We would also love to leave our umbrellas and our little grocery cart out, but we don’t as we understand it can make it hard for everyone else.
By the way, no other tenants leave anything out in the entryway or their own hallway with the exception of them.
Because of that, I politely asked them in a letter to remove the excessive things (tricycle and umbrella and bassinet) and to please fold the stroller as soon as possible after moving the baby as it’s already a compromise on our part because we understand that the logistics of going up and down the stairs with it is a lot, but everything else was too much and simply getting in the way.
It’s been over a week since the letter was picked up, and nothing has changed. Today, we passed through them on the streets, and they gave us an angry look and left us a note saying we simply are jerks for not getting the “parent struggles,” and they should be entitled to leave their stuff there.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve lived in Amsterdam and feel your pain. Space is an issue. I was also a parent at the time to a young child and would never have put upon my neighbors like that. It was my choice to have children and so therefore I needed to make it work.
Parents that pull the “oh, the struggle” argument annoy the crap out of me. No one else is obliged to give you a break because you are a parent. If they do – see it as a bonus. Are they Dutch? They don’t sound it.
The people of Amsterdam always had a very strict code of social etiquette, mostly because of the lack of space, or there would be b***d on the streets. They really aren’t being considerate neighbors.” Binfire2023
Another User Comments:
“As a Dutch citizen, I can tell you they are the jerks in this.
But if they are from Amsterdam, then that is the reason why… The rest of the Netherlands generally does not really like people from Amsterdam (or the Randstad) because of their egocentric manners… I am also from the Randstad, so I am just not very fond of Amsterdammers.
Living so close to each other is difficult. So there are rules like not leaving your stuff everywhere, not being too loud or too sensitive about a little living noise. Or as the Dutch would say: leven en laten leven. But the situation you mentioned is a fire hazard.
Please contact your landlord. Unless your landlord is the prince… but contact your landlord and explain the situation. Then he is responsible when there is a fire, and he could also get fined because of the situation. And if something Dutchies hate it is spending money on tickets.
So he probably will take some action.” Pollythepony1993
Another User Comments:
“No, but notes come up as passive and cowardly. Before it escalates into more hard feelings, I’d suggest going and knocking on their door and politely asking them again. You can be understanding with them about their struggle while also expressing to them that we all share this space and need to keep the walkways clear for each other.
That a stroller was tolerable, but we can’t be using this area as a space for our belongings.” JK_Cloud
4. AITJ For Always Telling My Husband That I Hate His Father?
Some therapy might be necessary.
“My (28f) husband Matt (29M) and I met five years ago.
We got married about a year later and share 2 beautiful children.
About a year into our relationship, Matt’s dad (Chris, 68M) found out from an acquaintance that I take medication for social anxiety. This was something I hadn’t told Matt about yet but was planning to soon, as recommended by my therapist. Chris was furious and demanded that Matt put our relationship on hold so Chris could determine if I was ‘mentally stable.’ Matt’s sister is a pharmacist, and Chris got her involved to research what medication I’m on, how it impacts me, etc.
At this point, I really loved Matt and didn’t dump him while I was enduring this nonsense. Chris’s obsession with my taking medication got more intense, and he demanded to speak to my therapist. Then he wanted his daughter to speak with him.
Then he wanted the family priest to speak with him (Matt and I are not as religious as his family). After months of this maltreatment, I agreed to allow the priest to speak with my therapist. They had a short conversation, and the priest told Chris that he shouldn’t be concerned about me.
This still wasn’t enough and Chris started calling one of my close friends multiple times over the next couple of months, asking her if she thinks I’m stable, etc. Matt and I were still together, although I felt a lot of resentment.
Eventually, he proposed and I said yes.
Now we are married with kids, and I have a very loving marriage and no regrets I married him. The one issue that I have is he still looks up to and respects Chris, even after knowing all he’s done to me. I hate Chris so much that it hurts.
What makes the hatred more intense and doesn’t allow me to heal is that Matt views Chris as a saint and keeps a close relationship with him. They talk on the phone daily, and Matt is constantly telling me that Chris is a great guy and I need to forgive & forget.
I can’t because I feel like Chris is trying to still sabotage me by telling Matt things behind my back like I’m crazy, too tough, not a good fit for the family, etc.
I’m constantly making snide remarks about Chris whenever Matt mentions him.
Sometimes I’ll call him a piece of crap or a jerk. Matt gets angry, defensive, sad, and then starts insulting my dad. All I want is for Matt to choose me over his dad and set boundaries with him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you don’t just have a FIL problem, you have a husband problem, and your husband problem is the much bigger problem.
Your spouse is supposed to put you first, to have your back and if needed defend you. I don’t understand how anyone could be comfortable marrying someone who idolizes their bully, to be honest. My MIL and I had some minor conflicts when we were first getting to know each other because I’m pretty severely disabled, but my condition isn’t really visible.
She said some fairly insensitive things, but my husband’s response was to listen, comfort me, and then go talk to his mother about why what she said was wrong and not acceptable. If someone chooses the side of someone who attacks you and hurts you, they aren’t a good partner.
You can deal with problematic in-laws with a spouse who takes your side, but there is no dealing with a spouse who doesn’t choose you.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“ESH. What Chris did and continues to do goes BEYOND the level of trampling your personal privacy, however, you continued to endure it, and accepted to get married knowing that your husband thought his father did no wrong and never defended you.
So you can’t possibly think the situation is going to change, right? It is what it is, and you constantly making hurtful, yet truthful remarks is only making things worse. The only thing you can do now is accept that your husband loves you, and doesn’t pay the bad things his father says about you any mind, or tell him that you are concerned that your FIL’s continual bad-mouthing will eventually convince him to break up your marriage.
What you are doing now is showing a negative reaction that does nothing but make you and your husband unhappy, and by extension weakens your marriage, which is laying right into FIL’s plan.” kimariesingsMD
Another User Comments:
“Soft ESH. Your husband is a major jerk for letting his father’s invasive abusiveness get any further than him creeping on his girl to the extent of finding out what medication you were taking.
That behavior was restraining order level behavior and I am appalled that your therapist actually agreed to speak to his priest (it’s also weird as heck for a priest to be willing to get involved in something like this and agreeing to call some congregant’s son’s partner’s therapist – this honestly is so bizarre; it’s kind of unbelievable, but so much so I don’t see how someone would think to make that up).
It sounds like even your professional support system failed you in helping you set healthy boundaries and guiding you to recognize you deserve better than this toxic mess, but therapists can also only do so much – ultimately you had to make choices. I feel sad for you if there wasn’t a single person in your life to point out the red flags and make you realize that your husband has been complicit from the get-go with this.
But I still feel like ESH because you have children with this man who now are being raised by someone who thinks so little of their mother, that he’s willing to accept his father bullying you. It just doesn’t sound like either of their parents have a good grasp on how people deserve to be treated or how to set healthy boundaries, and it leaves them vulnerable to ending up in similarly dysfunctional relationships.
Constantly making comments about their grandfather doesn’t help this.” swarleyknope
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and please get a new therapist, one who will help you stand up for yourself. You never should have let these people run roughshod over you, and both your husband and your therapist should have been on your side.
Your FIL has absolutely -no right- to access your medical history or processes. He sounds absurdly controlling and I’m kind of horrified you are now in his orbit. I think your husband should choose you over his father, partly because when you are married, you’ve made a new family and that takes priority over your former one.
But he’s not, for whatever reason. All I want to say is get out, please.” LazyCrocheter
Another User Comments:
“Mostly NTJ, but the snide remarks do not help your marriage. Offer Matt a deal – you will stop the snide remarks if he will go into couples therapy with you.
I see that your goal is to make Matt see that he has to put you, his wife and mother of his children, first – and stop praising his controlling father to a wife his father really hurt! You will find out in couple’s therapy what Matt’s views and goals are, and if you can affect them or if you can live with what won’t change.” bkwormtricia
3. AITJ For Telling Everyone The Real Reason My Daughter Is Taking A Gap Year?
Sometimes it’s best just to keep some things to yourself.
“My Daughter (Dai) (18F) is naturally very smart but also very lazy. We live in New Zealand, where you do 3 years’ worth of exams. In the first 2 years, she excelled excellently and was in the top 5%(+) of her year group.
This year, however, I just got an email that she didn’t pass the year, let alone get University Entrance (2 different sets of requirements).
This means that entry into her course and halls of residence has been revoked. I am obviously incredibly angry and disappointed in her – she would now pathetically be considered in the bottom 5% of her school.
We were at our family friends’ a couple of days ago, where all of the teens who just finished high school were discussing their future plans.
Dai mentioned how she was going to take a couple of years off from school, where she wanted to continue working to become more ‘independent’ and then be a camp counselor (Camp America) for the summer – where she went on about confidence and all that nonsense.
This is when I piped in. I said that Dai was only taking 2 years off as she didn’t actually pass high school and therefore wasn’t able to go to University. I then stated how the mentioning of 2 years was manipulatively stated, as a 2-year wait would allow her to go to University through Adult Entry (despite failing High School), and was therefore not a choice she made.
I then looked at the younger kids in the room and made a mention about how this would be them if they didn’t get their crap together, and continued on Dai’s path of being a pathetic, disorganized, and ungrateful teenager.
Dai started crying, which she never does, so I felt a little bad – but then realized she brought this on herself.
As a final statement on the topic, I said that she can’t just lie to everyone about her future plans because she’s embarrassed by the consequences of her own actions, if she didn’t want to be embarrassed she shouldn’t have ended up in this situation.
I got a message from one of the parents last night asking if Dai wanted to go away for a week with their family. She said that Dai seemed like she needed a ‘break,’ and she especially noticed it after the exam results – Dai hasn’t spoken to me since she got her results, and I can barely look at her without feeling so angry, so of course, I agreed.
When she came to pick her up, however, she had the audacity to say I needed to let it go and think about if it was the right decision to share her personal information with the others. She said she was ashamed on my behalf, before abruptly leaving.
I don’t believe I did anything wrong, as it was wrong of Dai to lie about the reasons behind her future plans (when she needs to own up to it). However, the comment from the other parent took me by surprise.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There’s a reason someone drops that far grade-wise, and judging by your post, you probably have no idea why or even care about it.
When I had a grade drop like that, I was being physically assaulted by my partner at the time.
My parents had no idea, even when I tried to tell them. But they did what you did. They didn’t care why. Why didn’t matter, and it was all my fault. Him following me from class to class, locking me in a room with him, and tormenting me should have never mattered in their eyes.
The day I turned 17, I had them sign paperwork to let me enlist because I couldn’t take the criticism or judgment. I couldn’t take the shaming. I enlisted when the war was still in full swing. I thought that joining the military and maybe going to war would still be more peaceful than my home, because my value to them was entirely based on grades.
The success they could brag about to other people.
Your daughter isn’t your object to shame and praise as you please. She is a whole human with emotions, but you used her as a scare tactic for kids. Have you ever thought maybe she doesn’t feel emotionally safe with you?
And this behavior is why?” casey_werealien
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Overbearing and belittling your child is a good way to make sure your child has absolutely nothing to do with you after they leave. Are you without blame? I doubt it. And would you like someone weaponizing those shortcomings to turn them into some sort of messed up teachable moment to massage their own ego?
Because that’s all you did. You were so embarrassed of your own daughter’s shortcomings when you heard the other kids talking that you made an excuse to shift the entirety of the situation onto her shoulders in order to make sure EVERYONE at the get-together knew you were blameless.
It’s pretty disgusting. And you’ve shown your daughter that your love comes at a price and that you have no respect and regard for her in the slightest.” CourierRoland
Another User Comments:
“This can’t be real. Please tell me that this is not real, but some made-up post. YTJ, the biggest and worst kind.
The kind who humiliates their daughter instead of perhaps asking why the daughter failed that year when she did so well in the past. And then labels their daughter as “pathetic” for that failure, when the parent’s decision was the pathetic thing here. The lack of respect for her as a human being (and someone who trusted you and should believe you are in her corner) is stunning.
Good God.
Have you ever considered what turmoil your daughter has been going through over the past year? That perhaps she suffered a trauma that you are oblivious to? That she might be going through depression or other mental health issues? Are you trying to drive her completely out of your life?
The fact that you behaved in this way, called confidence-building activities nonsense, and are “surprised” at the comment from another parent (thank goodness they spoke up) tells me that it’s likely your daughter has been subjected to pretty bad parenting thus far in her life.
Dai will likely never see this post since you are being soundly excoriated. But if she does – Dai, please know that you are not pathetic, not a failure, not disorganized, not ungrateful. You go on and do your thing, whether it’s being a camp counselor for a while or some other growth activity.
You will succeed. You are intelligent. You have great potential. And do not be afraid to seek out mental health resources to help you through this time and help you gain some insight into some really terrible parenting.” [deleted]
2. AITJ For Defending My Wife Over My Daughter?
“I (55M) raised my daughter (25F – Laura) alone as a single father well into her teenage years; her mother passed when she was 3 years old.
I, therefore, have a very close relationship with her.
I married my wife (50F – Mary) 6 years ago, and now have a stepson (24 – Harry). Laura never really got along with Mary or Harry but she always was quite respectful. Also, they came into our lives when she was already in college, which meant she didn’t get to bond with either of them.
Laura is bisexual, I always have loved her as she is. She had relationships with both men and women over these past few years, but none of them were prominent enough to require them to meet me. That is until she brought home a partner of hers this year.
She was with us from morning till the evening.
Laura’s girl (32F) was polite and quiet throughout the whole time she was with us, brought lovely presents, didn’t talk to anyone much, and wasn’t at all attentive or warm towards Laura either. Her phone rang a few times, and she went off to answer (she’s a prominent businesswoman).
After she left, Mary told Laura that she was a little cold and distant overall and that Laura deserved someone who could give her more of her time and affection. Laura got mad and said she had been with her partner for 9 months and was even thinking about moving in, and that we of course wouldn’t know her at all because we saw her only for a few hours and she was the sweetest person.
I said Mary was right and that I had a similar impression of her partner because of how she acted around Laura as well. I told Laura she should appreciate Mary since she had the best interest for Laura at heart and there was nothing wrong with telling what we think.
Laura said Mary was in no position to give her an opinion and was being rude. She left to stay at her girl’s house and hasn’t answered my calls.
So did I do something wrong to deserve being ignored like this?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You cannot judge someone’s whole personality and their relationship in one stressful meeting. Your wife doesn’t get to decide how much affection is the right amount for your daughter and her partner to be happy with. Neither do you. For Christ’s sake, can’t you remember the pressure of meeting your partner’s parents for the first time?
Add on the fact that Laura’s partner knows it’s the first time you’ve met your daughter’s partner before. She brought nice presents, she came even though busy at work. She was polite and didn’t overtake the conversation. What more do you want? Seriously? What more did you want?
Do you not get that this reaction of yours has more to do with the fact that this is the first SO of hers you’ve met? If she had been allll over your daughter, you two would have moaned that she was too handsy. If her gifts sucked, would she have been ungenerous?
If she had been too loud, would she have been rude? If she didn’t have a good job, would she have just been a layabout?” bitternerdette
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, as is your wife – Yes you two mean well. BUT Laura didn’t ask Mary’s opinion, she didn’t ask yours.
Since Mary’s not all that close – if she was that concerned she should have talked to you and had you bring it up in private. Your daughter cares about this SO enough to bring her home – she’s the 1st person you’ve met. THAT is a big deal. Realize that you just met this woman.
Not every family is warm & welcoming to same-sex relationships. She may have been more reserved about being affectionate with Laura in front of you all because she doesn’t know/trust you yet. She could have had some bad experiences with past partners’ families. Also, some people may be lovey-dovey in private but not into PDA.
As for the phone – unfortunately, if she’s got a high position she’s stuck taking calls. Apologize to your daughter for overstepping; if she and her partner are happy together that’s what’s important, and you promise you & Mary will butt out unless she asks for an opinion.” CarrieCat62
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Sorry, but speaking as a bisexual woman your daughter’s age, gay (especially bisexual) relationships are still frowned upon in a lot of places and there are plenty of horror stories here on the internet to back that up. Meeting an S/O’s family is a big step and can be extremely stressful even for heterosexual couples.
Being bisexual and being the first S/O to meet the parents; holy heck, that’s a lot of pressure from the partner’s perspective. You have no idea what is going on with this woman or why she was being distant. She could have had a rough holiday, or her job is having complications, a problem with a family member, or simply she could be shy.
You met her a whole one time. This woman was sincere enough to bring you and your wife gifts before even meeting you. She has not done anything wrong other than be quiet and polite. She may not feel comfortable showing public displays of affection around her new partner’s father.
Additionally, some people just aren’t publicly affectionate by nature.
Your wife isn’t Laura’s mother, nor is she bisexual. Considering how late she came into the picture, she should not be having any opinions when it comes to your daughter’s relationship period. Especially if she hasn’t built a relationship with Laura first. Your wife was absolutely being rude by essentially telling Laura her girl isn’t good enough for her, and that she deserves someone better (by your wife’s standards) while the partner was taking a work call in another room.
Are you kidding me? She couldn’t even wait for them to leave before throwing down her judgment, where she had no say to begin with. What if her girl overheard? Your daughter trusted you by bringing her person around and you effectively did the worst thing possible.
You and your wife owe Laura and her girl a genuine apology. Read the whole book before you judge the cover.” T***************6
1. AITJ For Refusing To Travel To Visit Friends While Pregnant?
“My husband (43m) and I (37f) were the last in our friends’ circle to have kids. Most of them got started in their late teens or early 20s.
They knew we wanted kids but infertility sucks. Since my husband and I had fewer responsibilities than they did, for over fifteen years we’d drive 8+ hours to see them. When we got pregnant unexpectedly (without trying!) two years ago, we called and told them that because I’m high risk after so many miscarriages we won’t be traveling during my pregnancy; however, we have a large house with 3-4 guest rooms, so they were welcome to come visit us and they’d have a free place to stay plus we’d cover the cost of food and outings.
No one came to visit or see us through the entire pregnancy or after our baby almost died at birth. (Baby has recovered well, and is a very happy almost two-year-old.) Our friends call occasionally and have pestered us to visit but 8+ hours with a toddler is a long trip.
Lightning has struck twice, and I am, once more, unexpectedly pregnant! We’ve announced it to our friends, and they are asking when we can come visit with our first child so they can meet her before the next baby arrives.
This is where I might be the jerk.
My husband started planning a trip, but I told him no, our child and I won’t go 8+ hours away for anyone. He’s welcome to go, but I won’t attend, and our child won’t. For starters, I am still high risk with this pregnancy, and my doctor won’t approve me for travel.
I don’t like the idea of our child going so far to appease a group of people who won’t consider visiting. Additionally, our child hates traveling, and it would be difficult for one parent to take her anywhere; it usually takes both of us to keep her relatively calm.
And while our friends and family are also parents, most of them have children in their upper teens or twenties who are less dependent on them. (This is by their own confession.) I’ve also told my husband I find it selfish that the family and friends in question have traveled to near where we live but have made no effort to stop by or even tell us that they’re close until after the trip is done.
My husband is a bit frustrated with me, but I told him we put everyone else first for over fifteen years and I think it’s time to be selfish. Pregnancy hormones make me a bit testy, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Feel free to tell your friends that it’s their turn.
Instead of merely inviting them, TELL them it’s their turn! Explain how much you loved visiting them knowing that it was so difficult to travel with kids and you were happy to make the trek, but now it’s their turn to visit since now it’s difficult for YOU and they have more opportunities.
They are probably just so used to you making the distance that they don’t even stop to think of why they should do it now for you. Maybe create an event? Since you have the room, put together an event where they can all come visit for a weekend, and you can see everyone all at once.” GimmeUrNachos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You have a tiny child and are in a high-risk pregnancy, and your husband is frustrated that you don’t want to drive 8 hours to visit some friends who couldn’t be bothered to visit you for years, including after you came close to losing a child?
What the heck? Here’s some unsolicited advice. Join a mom group, or a book group, or a church group, or a volunteer group. Make some friends where you are right now. Find people who will show up with a casserole if you need them to, and who value you as much as you value them.
I’m not going to pass judgment on the former friends from your old city. I’m just going to call them former friends.” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – oh, this resonates with me. Friendship is about give and take. It’s a two-way thing. Your friends have been in a comfort zone with you visiting and now, rightfully, you’re not going to do that.
Good on you. I suspect when their kids were young they didn’t want to travel and you were childless so it worked. Now their kids are older, and potentially easier to travel with, and you have a baby and are pregnant and THEY are still EXPECTING you to travel?
As for them being nearby and not visiting. What the heck? Your husband needs to get onside here and see reason. Traveling with little ones is NOT easy.
My situation: my partner’s family all live in France, and we live in the UK. They are all French.
We have two children, 4.5 (f) and 2.5 (m). Her parents have visited us TWICE in 4.5 years. A flight from France on easyJet is as cheap as $35 or on average about $63. It’s so easy for them to pack a bag and come for a long weekend.
But no. To top it all off, they go traveling all over the world at least twice a year! My partner’s brother is the same, he and his partner have visited us ONCE since our daughter was born; they have no children yet. Both parents and brother are significantly more affluent than us.
In contrast, we have visited them 2 or 3 times a year, every year for the last 8 years. Since we’ve had children it’s a lot harder. 90-minute drive to the airport, through the airport stuff, 1hr 20 flight, out the other end then a 1 hr drive.
It’s a nightmare with toddlers and takes from 4 am to mid-afternoon, best part of day. We’ve invited them for Xmas the last 4 years, and none of them have come. All sorts of excuses. Subsequently, we have now stopped the frequent visits. Feels like we’re making all the effort and paying the price for it, and they get us handed to them on a plate.
I can’t imagine that when my children have their own kids I simply won’t visit my own grandchildren. But there you are. It got to a point, like you, where we said enough is enough.
In short, stick to your guns. Do what’s right for you.
Your family unit is the most important thing here.” Perseus73
