People Request For Fair Judgment On Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
17. AITJ For Keeping My Pregnancy A Secret?
“I gave birth to my son 18 weeks ago. My whole pregnancy was kept under wraps for the most part with the exception of my husband’s parents and my sister. Husband’s parents because our son is likely to be their first and only grandchild. My sister because she has always been my support person.
The news of my having a baby did not go over well with my dad, his wife, or my half-sister.
So for people wondering why I kept it from them. There are two reasons. A few years ago I thought I was pregnant and had miscarried but the truth was more complicated. I had not been pregnant but had some undiagnosed issues that had made my periods always irregular.
I had two positive tests at home test and an inconclusive test at the dr, which they figured could be me having a miscarriage, but an ultrasound had revealed nothing but did show up some other stuff and more tests were done and a diagnosis followed. I had been open about the positive test and when the truth came out my dad’s wife was smothering.
She told me that was when a girl needed her mom the most and she would not let me push her away like I always had. She married my dad when my sister and I were young and our mom had died, so she saw herself as filling that mom role, but she was too pushy about it.
Even after all I had been through she would not give me space when I asked for it and my husband had to make her leave our home.
The other reason is my sister has two kids. Through both pregnancies our dad’s wife tormented her with talk of how she’d need her, as her mom, she needed to be there for her baby as she was experiencing pregnancy and talked about how becoming a mom would bond her to her and make her appreciate her in a way she never had before.
My sister actually grew to despise her because of it. Neither of us was ever a big fan of hers but it really made her despise her because she was so sure she would fully replace our mom by being here for my sister’s pregnancy.
Even told our sister she was being dramatic when she said she missed mom and hadn’t got the patience for her trying to force her way in. She said pregnancy makes women irrational and there’s no reason to miss a ghost. My sister has not allowed our dad’s wife to be known as grandma to her kids ever since.
She had considered allowing it before the pregnancy stuff but after the chance was gone and my sister would not hear arguments for it.
All this led me to keep quiet when I did successfully get pregnant. I actually don’t live super close to my dad anymore so I just stayed away.
I also knew it would hurt their feelings but I honestly didn’t have it in me to care. My dad was furious and his wife and my half-sister still send me messages about how cruel and unfair I am and how I robbed them of the excitement and tainted the whole experience.
They both said how dad’s wife becoming a grandma for the third time was important, especially given her other grandkids will never call her grandma, and I was selfish to take joy from her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This woman is not your stepmother; she is merely your dad’s second wife.
Sounds like they need an intervention to make it clear that their ‘fantasy’ is NOT real and never going to happen. They are still upset because they believe in their version of their fantasy family and thus think they are being treated unkindly. The only way you will ever get them to back off is to get them to accept reality.
As it stands, you are doing the right thing to protect your family and keep the boundary.” TrainingDearest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one is entitled to know your medical issues, pregnancy included.
I’d be firmly and calmly telling both your father, his wife and half-sister that this is your pregnancy and after your father’s wife’s nonsense over your trying to replace your mother and not accepting or respecting your boundaries and her over-the-top crappy behavior when your sister was pregnant is the reason that none was told.
She needs to accept that she’ll never be your child’s favorite grandparent, nor has she earned the privilege of being called grandmother so she needs to accept that she’ll be called by her name, and the more she tries to force your hand, the more she’ll not have a relationship with both you and your immediate family in the future and only has herself to blame.
Time for your father to step up and tell his wife to pull her head in and accept that his wife presents as an overbearing danger to his 2 eldest daughters and now 3 grandkids.
In the meantime block them all.” G8RTOAD
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You made protecting yourself the priority, which was also protecting your child. That’s your job now.
You didn’t take joy from her. She hadn’t earned it. That joy was never hers. She spent her time making sure that she didn’t deserve it, not that she did.
You didn’t take her joy. She did that to herself.
Your child isn’t someone else’s possession, toy, or experience. They are wrong.
That your father’s wife is intrusive, pushy, obnoxious, and emotionally abusive is a whole pile of very valid reasons to protect yourself and your child from her and her behaviors.
That this is a pattern of behavior from her for years, trying to find ways to fulfill her own fantasy at the expense of her husband’s children, just means you have even more valid reasons to protect yourself and your child from her.
I’m a grandparent.
Grandparents aren’t a priority to a child. They are a bonus if they are good ones that know how to behave in loving, kind, respectful ways. One way a grandparent shows their love is by showing respect, to the child and the child’s parents. It’s not hard when you think about them.
So, for your father’s wife, it’s not likely to happen, because she’s thinking of herself and only herself here. She didn’t picture the needs of a pregnant woman as an opportunity to help out and focus on your sister’s needs, she viewed it as a chance to make herself important by using your sister’s vulnerability to take advantage.
Typical abusive manipulation.
She also has your father and half-sister trained to be her enablers, to put her feelings and wants first, over everyone and everything else. So, you can’t trust their words to be truths, only to be what she wants. People that put their wants ahead of the needs of others, like your father’s wife, will say things that are lies, to make you feel fear, guilt, or obligation to do and say what they want.
Don’t. Stand firm on your instincts and your decisions, and keep on protecting yourself and your child from this person.
IF you ever decide to meet up, which you don’t have to, as her behavior isn’t improving and no contact is also a reasonable decision, make it someplace not your home, so you can walk away anytime and don’t have to try to make her leave when she doesn’t want to.
Also, public places mean lots of witnesses, and sometimes, they behave better that way.” blueberryyogurtcup
16. AITJ For Not Being Able To Help A Daughter With Her Down Payment?
“We have two kids, Ava (35f) and Heather (33f). We have a great relationship with both kids.
About 12 years ago, Ava got engaged to her now husband.
We bought them a house in our neighborhood and then the next year paid for their wedding.
Heather has lived in a few different cities, taken different college programs, etc. She seems content to keep exploring where her happiness is, and I think that’s great.
About 10 years ago, different plots of land came for sale in our neighborhood, We asked Heather which she wanted. She thanked us for the thought but said that she didn’t know where she wanted to be and that we shouldn’t buy land for her. We ended up buying a plot of land near us.
We told her, and she again thanked us but never made use of the land.
Fast forward to now, Heather approaches us, clearly nervous, and respectfully asked if we would be able to help her with a down payment for a house in the city where she lives.
She was clear she understood if that was not possible.
This has caused an argument between myself (56f) and my wife (60f). I would love to help Heather, but honestly, we are in very different financial circumstances now than we were before. We are hoping to retire soon, and do not have a lot of excess funds.
My wife thinks that Heather does not ask for much and that we have clearly helped one child significantly more than the other. (Ava’s wedding cost tens of thousands of dollars and the house was obviously hundreds of thousands). She thinks we should sacrifice whatever we can to help Heather.
To be clear, we have financially helped Heather over the years, helped with decorations when she’s moved, with furniture, etc. (I know it’s not the same, but I want to be clear we are involved in both kids’ lives). I also know that Heather would be uncomfortable if she knew our contribution to her house was impacting our retirement.
I think if we talk to Heather openly about the difference in our financial circumstances now and then, she would understand.
My wife wants to sell the piece of land in our neighborhood to give Heather the money. I really don’t want to do that.
For a few reasons. Including that I think Heather would regret that in the future because she has mentioned once or twice over the years that she will want to move back home when she’s older. Prices for land here have gone up significantly. To be frank, nobody in our family could ever afford to buy here now or in the future.
AITJ for not being able to give Heather the down payment?
To provide more clarity Mel and I are both women.
I just want to say that Mel and I love both girls more than we can say. We didn’t plan, and the fact that there are so many of you saying that Heather will think we value her less is our biggest fear here.
Heather is a wonderful, independent, kind and loving person. She deserved and deserves better from us. Obviously.
I am not comfortable getting too specific but over the years there have been some unexpected health issues arise, with my parents and then Ava’s kids that have depleted our funds more than we expected. But the bottom line is that’s something we should have taken into account when giving Ava so much.
Heather is a person who is incredibly sensitive and kind. Most often to her own detriment. To a point where I think she knows we would prefer her to live near us and may not accept the sale of the land because of it. To be clear I am absolutely open to the sale of the land or transferring it to Heather now, it’s just how to best approach it so that Heather doesn’t feel guilt going forward.
We’re going to try to move forward as best we can to make sure Heather knows she is loved and valued.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You ignored Heather telling you that she didn’t want the plot of land and bought it anyway. Now your wife is telling you to sell it to use the money to help her in the way she wants to be helped, and you’re refusing to on the mythical basis that she may one day change her mind.
That doesn’t make any sense.
I get that your financial situation has changed but you have the power to do one thing your child has asked for and you’re saying no because of a plot of land she didn’t want, still doesn’t want, and may never want.
The issue isn’t just your finances, it’s your stubborn refusal to see that the plot of land was you, you, you. You’ve lavished your other daughter, you owe Heather this much.” Est666
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are basically punishing Heather for not wanting to settle down at the same time and same location as her sister.
If she had wanted to purchase 12 years ago, at the same time as her sister you would have divided the funds allocated to help your children between your two daughters but because she was not ready you gave everything to Ava. As you stated in your post you gave Ava hundreds of thousands while withholding no money for her sister.
While you are not obligated to help your children equally, helping one to the tune of hundreds of thousands and the other to zero must sting for Heather. You clearly favored Ava because she settled in your neighborhood.” Purplefox71
Another User Comments:
“I think your wife is right, YTJ, not a big one because you seem involved in both of your daughters’ lives and helped both of them over the years.
However, if you can’t afford the same financial help you did when you helped Ava, you should be open about it without mentioning retirement. You bought that plot of land for Heather anyway, just talk to her about it, maybe she’ll be fine with just selling it and won’t necessarily regret not having it in the future if she decides to move back home.
I know the market now has changed since 10 years ago but you bought Ava a house and paid for her wedding. Heather asked for help with a downpayment, she didn’t ask you to buy her a house too, so comparing the cost of Ava’s wedding to Heather asking for help with the downpayment makes no sense to me.
You don’t see it as playing favorites but your wife sees it and Heather will surely see it that way even if she won’t say anything.” Plenty_Metal_1304
15. WIBTJ If I Don't Attend My Father's Wedding?
“I (F32) was invited to my father’s (M53) wedding a week ago. The wedding takes place in early December. I really don’t want to go, since I feel there are a lot of other things I would rather do than watch him get married to his current partner.
My father and I have a rocky relationship. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember. Dad is a workaholic, and he has always prioritized himself and his interests. Since I became an adult I have been the one to keep in touch, with him only taking my calls occasionally.
I can count the number of times he has called me in the past two years on the one hand (these calls include birthdays and Christmases).
About four years ago, my father divorced my stepmom after having been married to her for 20+ years. The moment the divorce was finalized, he announced that he had a new girl (F53), let’s call her Jane.
Jane promptly moved in with him.
Earlier this year, I had a fallout with my dad and Jane. Both of them are heavily invested in volunteering, and they had offered to host a training program for one of the organizations they work with. This would mean they would need to be away every other weekend for the next two years.
Jane has cats, so she asked me to catsit for them while they run this program. I told her I felt it was far too much, and this upset her. She sent me a long letter detailing how selfish I was for not doing them this favor, especially after ‘everything my father has done for me’.
Jane and I have not spoken since.
Due to my fight with Jane, my dad came to my home to confront me about it. He called me selfish and lazy. We fought. With my grandma as a mediator, we eventually made up. During our making-up, dad said that he saw me as a disappointment and wondered where he had failed as a father for me to turn out like this.
In return, I responded that I felt disappointed in him too. He asked what he could do to make it better, and I told him that he could try to keep in touch. A text, an email, or a call once per month would be enough for me to feel like he cared. He said this was unreasonable, but we made peace for my grandma’s sake.
Now suddenly dad and Jane are getting married. They were never engaged, and the rest of the family was informed less than two months before the wedding. This will be my dad’s third wedding.
I really don’t want to go. Since the fight, I have gone low contact, only picking up when he calls (he’s called once in that time).
I don’t like Jane, and I believe that marrying her is a mistake, but I feel he is adult enough to decide for himself what he does with his life. So since he has chosen to marry Jane, he will do so without me there.
My brother (M31) feels the same way as I do, but is considering going to the wedding and skipping out on the reception just to keep the peace within the family. I don’t want to go at all, period.
Would I be the jerk if I decided to decline the invitation and not go?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think from what you’ve said, your dad has treated you badly overall and hasn’t been a good father in the situations you’ve brought up and I don’t think you owe him and his soon-to-be wife anything. If you don’t go, it’s fine, it’s up to you and too bad for them.
Let them have a tantrum and get upset, what is that to you? Already, they are acting all about themselves it seems, so you have nothing to lose.
I’m sorry they are not behaving better towards you and your siblings and that you have not had a better father.
You sound very level, intelligent, and thoughtful and I give you thumbs up for speaking up for yourself and trying to communicate with him/them. Wishing you all the best.” DutchgirlOB
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – certainly it sounds like expecting you to catsit was silly and you and your father have a terrible relationship.
He doesn’t even want to e-mail you once a month!
You can dislike Jane but you don’t have a say in who he marries. Clearly, you think he had an affair with his future wife (and expect him to do it again). He doesn’t have a say in who you marry.
You and your father aren’t close enough for either of you to say what is best for the other.
Go to the wedding and stay as long as you can, without being unpleasant. Wish them the best and do it with grace. Hey – get them vouchers for a pet store for a gift, if it will make you feel better.” Fancy_Avocado7497
Another User Comments:
“He asked where he had failed and when you gave him a very reasonable answer and way to make it better, he said it was too much. Seriously? One text a month is unreasonable? He is a terrible father.
Jane is also pretty much a stranger to you.
Expecting you to commit to something (I’m guessing unpaid) for the next two years is absurd. Bet anything that if you had agreed and then a year from now you get a great job out of the area, she’d be mad and expect you to prioritize cat-sitting over your own career.
The two of them were also likely having at least an emotional affair considering how fast they moved in together after the divorce — so not great people anyway.
Just cut your losses and go no contact. He’s not worth the energy you’re spending on him.
Nor is she.
NTJ” EconomyVoice7358
14. AITJ For Not Buying My Mother-In-Law A Car Seat?
“My husband (m30) and I (f28) have a son (m19 months). He goes to daycare 3 days a week and usually gets picked up by my grandma (f78).
She is his main caregiver when we are both working. She purchased a car seat, with my help, so that she could pick him up and have it for emergencies. My MIL (f63) does not watch my son often. She has stated many times she does not want to have baby things in her car or house.
She is our last resort when it comes to babysitting.
Yesterday I needed MIL to watch my son after daycare because my grandma had doctor appointments. I asked MIL two weeks in advance so that I didn’t interfere with her schedule. Grandma offered up her car seat because MIL does not have one.
MIL was supposed to leave the car seat at my house so I could give it back to grandma. She refuses to learn how to put the car seat in her car. She makes my husband or me take it in and out. So she did not return the car seat to grandma.
This morning I had to leave my car seat at daycare so grandma could pick up my son.
I asked my husband to please talk to MIL about getting a car seat because we are playing musical cars and it’s not fair that she kept grandma’s car seat that grandma paid for.
Husband wants me to send the type of car seat to him so he can buy it for MIL. I refused to say she can spend her own money and do her own research on the car seat. (Obviously, I would make sure it was a safe model before I let her take my son).
He says I’m being unreasonable and all I have to do is send the model and he’ll take care of it. Am I the jerk because I won’t help her get a car seat?
This is a petty edit: but to go along with her not wanting to do baby things.
She refuses to give my son Tylenol when he has an ear infection because he ‘will ruin his kidneys’. And won’t follow the guidelines I give her as far as food. Yes, I should not have her babysit but when it comes down to me calling off of work or her picking him up from daycare, I would hope she could be a decent person and do me a favor.
I may be entitled by asking her to buy a car seat but I didn’t want to bog down this post with personal feelings.
Final edit: I get it, I am the jerk because I won’t buy the seat. We will be re-evaluating how much we use MIL as a pickup/drop-off person (even if it is only 5 times a year).
In the end, this was the straw that broke the camel’s back in my dealings with MIL. While it’s a weird hill to die on it was my breaking point, but not the best one.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
‘I asked my husband to please talk to MIL about getting a car seat because we are playing musical cars and it’s not fair that she kept grandma’s car seat that grandma paid for.’
‘My MIL (f63) does not watch my son often. She has stated many times she does not want to have baby things in her car or house. She is our last resort when it comes to babysitting.’
Your MIL doesn’t want baby stuff around her home.
She only watches your kid for a few hours every once in a while.
It’s YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to ensure your child has a car seat. Not your MIL. I don’t care if it’s a pain in the butt to install and uninstall the seat in the MIL car.
That’s your job OP. If you don’t like doing it then you need to ASK your MIL if you can buy and install a car seat for her… And she has every right to say no.
Guess what? If she winds up with the car seat… You need to go get it.
She’s still doing you a favor by watching your kiddo for free. Acting all indignant because it’s your grandma’s is over the top. If it’s that big of a deal then go get it for your grandma who actually takes care of your child regularly.
Make the effort OP… stop whining.” Help24-7
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is somewhat entitled of you. MIL was doing you a FAVOR. Family members or not, nobody is obliged to care for/pay for your child. Only YOU and YOUR HUSBAND made the decision to have a child.
Nobody else got a say in it, or the costs/responsibilities that come with it.
Sure, family members will often do you FAVOURS to help you out (even though it’s not a requirement). But requiring them to pay for expensive items, so they can DO YOU A FAVOR, is spoilt behavior.
It should be you and your husband providing the necessary equipment, to care for your child. She had already given you her time to help you out.
Yet you arrogantly demand MIL should be spending yet more time researching car seats, and then forking out significant money to buy one.
And this is all because you found it slightly inconvenient having to take your own car seat to daycare (where you were going anyway). She probably just forgot to return the car seat, as none of this is part of her routine (since you rarely let her babysit).
So why not address that reasonably (like just sending a text reminder next time, around the time you know she needs to remember to return the car seat)? You instead decide you’re unnecessarily entitled to more of her time and money, to make a point (and yes, I do think you’re trying to make a point to her, with that demand).
All because she caused you minor inconvenience – WHILST YOU WERE CAUSING HER 3 HOURS OF INCONVENIENCE.
You also lazily dismiss MIL as ‘only’ spending 3 hours looking after your child, as if that’s not a big chunk of her day. You really do think people ‘owe you’, for the ‘privilege’ of helping you out – don’t you?!
I also think your negativity towards MIL really shows through, in comments like ‘she refuses to learn how to put the car seat in the car’ (and boo hoo, that causes you yet another minor inconvenience, of doing it yourself).
You make it sound as if she is doing that maliciously/to be difficult – when in reality, she’s probably just scared of getting it wrong and your son then being at risk.
You’re acting entitled, overly negative, and spoilt. Your grandmother won’t be around/in good health forever, so be careful which bridges you burn. If someone demanded I fork out significant amounts of money for their ‘convenience’ whilst DOING THEM THE FAVOR, I wouldn’t be keen to help them again.” NoSurprise82
Another User Comments:
“It seems like you don’t get along with your MIL and are just bitter with her regarding other issues and it irks you now more than ever that she does not help with her grandchild. Well, in the end, it’s your child and only your responsibility (and your husband’s).
Nobody owes you to take care of him even if they are the grandparents. If someone wants to do it by their own will just like your grandma then it’s totally fine. But if someone doesn’t want to be responsible for him just like your MIL, they are still within their rights and that’s totally fine as well.
You can’t expect her to babysit your child just because she is the grandma. You even make her babysit him on occasional emergencies which I think is not fair either and you should have a backup babysitter just for the emergencies.
You can’t expect her to have a car seat if she doesn’t even want to babysit him in the first place.
To me, it seems like you just force her in a way to help you in an emergency and she just gives in reluctantly as she doesn’t have much choice then. The emergencies are your concern only as he is your child, nobody else has to help you if they are not willing to.
You should start looking for a babysitter for such emergencies and leave your MIL alone. She can visit her grandchild when she wants by coming over to your home. She is allowed to have the kind of relationship she desires with her grandchild. She is well within her rights to establish boundaries which in this case is no babysitting.
You are constantly overstepping her boundaries by kind of forcing her in a way to help you in emergencies. So, respect her boundaries. YTJ.” Pizazz1
13. AITJ For Making Jokes?
“Me, F 18, and my (now ex) best friend, F 19, were best friends for almost 2 years. We met at work through her significant other introducing us (I and him were friends before I and she were) and were really close from the beginning and I never saw any problems in our friendship.
I used to spend the night at her house and vice versa and we would talk daily and facetime all the time. We went everywhere together. We often made jokes with each other, like ‘your mom’ jokes, ‘you suck at this’, ‘you’re not very smart’, ‘how dare you’ and things like that.
It was mutual, we made the same jokes to each other regularly. But suddenly, she was rarely speaking to me and never answered my calls or texts. I thought she was just busy with work since she still worked at the place where we met so I tried to bother her as little as possible.
Sunday Morning I woke up to see a text message from 3 am saying, and I quote:
‘I have thought about this for a little bit now and I have decided I don’t want to be friends anymore. I feel completely mistreated every time we talk.
the things you say to me are hurtful but it seems you pass them as jokes but I don’t take them as jokes, I just feel hurt… that’s all I have to say, I’m really sorry.’
I was extremely surprised and genuinely confused about what I had been doing wrong considering we make very similar jokes and nothing she said ever offended me so I assumed it was okay.
I often told her throughout our friendship that if I ever said anything that made her uncomfortable or upset to please let me know and I would apologize and fix my behavior. She never said that anything bothered her and even reassured me that I wasn’t doing anything wrong and I didn’t make her upset with what I said.
(I often asked if my jokes were too far just to make sure since she has a previous history of having trashy friends and letting it slide. She also has Asperger’s, and things that don’t normally both others can bother her.)
I guess I can understand that sometimes my jokes can seem over the top or possibly rude.
But I truly never believed I ever made a joke like that to her, especially since she made similar or even the same jokes. I got a few of my jokes from her, I honestly became her mini-me. I often mimic people’s personalities and humor to fit with them, so after we had been friends for so long we were practically the same person.
Everyone said that, even our moms. So I thought that since my jokes were basically hers, everything was fine. So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
‘I continuously repeated throughout our friendship that if I ever said anything that made her uncomfortable or upset to please let me know and I would apologize and fix my jokes or statements.
(I often asked if my jokes were too far just to make sure.) I guess I can understand that sometimes my jokes can seem over the top or possibly rude.’
‘I would tell her to let me know if that was mean or to tell me if I’m being annoying or rude.
So am I the jerk?’
If you have to spend THIS MUCH of your time and friendship repeatedly asking someone whether you’re offending them or making them uncomfortable or upset, whether they need you to apologize or ‘fix your statements’ (which, how do you even do that once you’ve already said it?), whether you’ve gone too far, been rude or annoying or mean… when conversations like this have to become a CONSTANT AND ESTABLISHED PART OF THE REPERTOIRE OF YOUR FRIENDSHIP, then you are, by default, a jerk, because you are already assuming by default that the things you are saying to your friend on a regular basis are VERY LIKELY to be offensive/hurtful/rude/obnoxious enough that you have to keep checking with her all the time.
People who aren’t jerks don’t have to check in with their friends constantly that they’re not hurting them.
You already knew that your ‘sense of humor’ (a phrase I use reluctantly) was rude and obnoxious. You knew well enough that you were regularly asking for reassurance that it was okay to continue behaving that way.
I don’t believe that you’re genuinely surprised at being told that you’re a jerk. I think you’re surprised because you expected your friend to DO THE EMOTIONAL LABOUR OF GIVING YOU LOTS OF WARNINGS before she walked away. But she didn’t owe you that. Your warning was that she put up with you being abrasive for as long as she did.
YTJ for speaking to her as rudely as you did for as long as you did. She didn’t owe it to you to give you more chances.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It feels like there is something else going on here. If they were really your friend then you would expect at least an opportunity to talk about something like this… Or, even better, a true friend would have been comfortable raising the concern with you before it became a big enough issue to stop a friendship over.
Then again, if you were regularly asking if what you were saying was OK you must have realized that you were on the edge. In the end, a friendship works or it doesn’t. No harm, no foul.” egoalternatus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ/No jerks here.
To me, it seems like you genuinely never meant harm with your jokes and while I understand the sentiment of the votes against you not excusing your jokes and calling you the obvious bad guy due to ‘harmless jokes’ being an excuse for bullies to be mean, I think there is also an overcorrection for these kinds of things in society and some people don’t acknowledge that while there is a fine line between some good-natured teasing and someone’s feeling being hurt via bullying, there is a line there.
Not every person who makes these jokes is an instant bully like the internet jury has deemed you to be for some reason, but I think you’re a friend who misread another friend. You’re suffering here too, you don’t need to be lectured by internet strangers.
You’re a young girl who is hurt that her friend abruptly cut ties with her and instead of seeing you as someone who made an innocent mistake completely unintentionally, you’re being spoken to like a bully to that’s oblivious to their awful nature, and I don’t think that’s a fair treatment of you as you don’t come off that way at all in your post. You come off to me as a victim of the overcorrection of such jokes.
It was a correction that needed doing since bullying was and is a problem, but don’t let society or the internet make you feel terrible for who you are.
I think you made innocent jokes, that in a friend group like mine would probably be mild, but did not work with this friend.
Teasing your friends and making them laugh at themselves and laughing at yourself is allowed. If that particular friend of yours isn’t comfortable with that humor then she should be free from it, but that doesn’t make you a jerk for attempting to share your humor with your friend when you were careful about doing so and even asked her to let you know if you did overstep boundaries.
I do believe your friend was too shy to confront you over it, but that doesn’t make you a bad guy and in fact, I applaud your self-awareness to try and navigate today’s sensitive society knowing perhaps your humor was darker than average and attempting to be empathetic to your friend by extending the invitation to let you know if she didn’t care for it.
The fact that she was too shy to communicate this to you does not make you the jerk. You were blindsided by her message and it’s unfortunate for both parties involved.
I’m sorry you went through this and I’m sorry the comment section lectured you like you were unforgivable in all of this and not a victim in the situation as well.
It sucks you lost your friend and it sucks you hurt her feelings, but you didn’t mean to and you won’t anymore as she cut you off, so it’s been resolved and you’re obviously aware now of what you did so sure, learn from that and cater your humor differently to different folks, and try to learn to realize when others may not be comfortable even without them telling you so.
But don’t feel terrible, you just made a mistake, you didn’t wrong someone or ruin a life, calm down.” perforatedpumpkin
12. AITJ For Saying Her Kids Are Not My Mom's Priority?
“My mom (39f) was kind of a mess around the time when I (16m) was born. She just wasn’t mature enough at the time so my grandparents took care of me for most of my childhood. She visited sometimes, maybe once every month. I don’t hold any of that against her though.
Around a year ago she called my grandparents and told them that since she had her life decently together and stuff, she wanted to be a real mom to me and offered to let me move in with her. I said okay because I do wanna have a normal and closer relationship with her and she seems to be able to juggle having a kid and her own things well now.
I’m not very close with her so I wanted to spend more time with her and do normal mother-son activities. However she works a lot and when she isn’t, she’s probably out on some date with another guy. She broke up with her partner of three years a few months back and now she’s constantly going out with guys.
I tried to plan stuff with her but mostly it never happens. But I planned a halloween movie night with her and I wanted to just watch horror movies with her etc. I asked her and she said okay.
Then the afternoon we were supposed to watch movies she told me that she couldn’t make it because her date was rescheduled to that night.
I was angry and she tried to explain that she really likes this guy and he’s good for her. I got even angrier and told her that it was clear she cares more about her personal life than her son.
This time she got mad and told me to grow up and that I’m 16, and I shouldn’t be coddled. We haven’t talked since and I’ve been avoiding her.
I think I made her feel bad and to be honest, I wonder if I WAS being a jerk because yeah, I’m 16 and shouldn’t need my mom’s reassurance or coddling, furthermore my mom is just trying to be happy, and find the right person again.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she made plans and she canceled them. I’m so sorry but you are not her first priority. You haven’t been since the day you were born. She got used to just taking care of yourself while you were apart and now she doesn’t know how to be a mom.
My guess is that she does want to date a better class of guys, and they would respect her being a single mom but not a woman who left her kid with her parents. So she wants you in her life to show what a great mom she is but she doesn’t actually KNOW how to be a great mom.
If you like living with her then stay, but stay only if you can accept that you are not her number one priority. If she makes a great roommate then great, if not, move out.” Excellent_Care1859
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am sorry that your mum is like this.
It sounds like she never fully matured herself. Sometimes those we love, and who love us, just cannot live up to what they are supposed to be. And your mum is certainly letting you down here. I would suggest that you might be better off living with your grandparents and working on slowly developing a relationship with your mother.
I am afraid it may never be that parent-child relationship you deserve, but I hope for your sake you could at least reach a basic level of friendship.
By the way, at 16 you definitely still need a mother’s love and reassurance, and attention. It’s not ‘coddling’.
But even if it were we all deserve to be coddled on occasion, and your mother certainly owes you and has a heck of a lot of time to make up for it. Heck, I am in my 40’s and I still need my mum like that.
My husband as well still needs his mum’s time, attention, and affection.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are right. Your mom cares more about finding a relationship with another man than developing one with her son. It’s clear. She didn’t prioritize you again, this isn’t new behavior for her.
I know you’re making an effort into building a relationship but it takes two people putting in the work. Your mother probably never will, unfortunately.
You’re never too old for a mother’s love and you’re not wrong for desiring it, that’s natural. Your age has nothing to do with it.
She doesn’t express her love to you the way a mother should or the way that you deserve. Shame, but it’s her loss.
You will always love your mother but she’s not good for your mental and emotional health. Learn this now, and keep a healthy distance from her.
Get counseling, move back with your grandparents, and surround yourself with people who uplift and support you. Consider the military once you’re done with high school.
Your mother has unresolved issues internally. Her ways are not about you, she is who she is. But know that she is not good for you and will not provide the traditional things a mom should.
Perhaps you guys can figure out how to have some sort of relationship but it’s hard. It’s very difficult to not expect the love and care that you want from your mom. A therapist will help you figure out how to deal with all these feelings, set boundaries, help you to refocus your energy on building up yourself and not your mom.” PathA2020MLS2007
11. AITJ For Not Taking Care Of My Neighbor's Dogs?
“I (31F) was asked to take care of my disabled neighbor’s dogs while he’s in the hospital.
My neighbor has 2 large and very aggressive dogs. You can’t get near them without them snapping at you and growling. I’ve lived next to them for well over a year and they have never gotten comfortable around me and will still try to snap at me just for walking on the sidewalk.
My husband and I have helped the neighbor out a few times lately because he doesn’t have in-home assistance anymore. We took him to the store, helped take his dog to the vet (the dog was muzzled and the vets had to use a hook to handle it), and a bunch of other things.
He called yesterday from the hospital and asked if we could go to his house and let the dogs out and feed them. I told him we don’t feel comfortable doing that because the dogs are so vicious. A police officer got on the phone and said they would take the dogs to the humane society until the neighbor gets out of the hospital. The cop then said that he would rather not because he doesn’t want to get bit trying to get them.
We stood our ground and said we really don’t feel comfortable. Neighbor and police were very annoyed with us about it.
I feel really guilty because we said no. AITJ for not helping? Should I just take the chance with the dogs?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are not dogs who handle other people well or so it seems. What the cop said about ‘rather not because he doesn’t want to get bit trying to get them’ applies to you as well.
Not your dogs, not your responsibility. You do a good job already by helping the neighbor himself.
The Humane Society can help with these cases and have people who are more experienced in handling vicious animals. The cop or the neighbor can simply call them and let them do their job.” nerothic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are well within your right to not want to get attacked by your neighbor’s highly aggressive dogs, he can ask you to, but again you have every right to say no. It’s a two-sided coin toss, on one side the dogs need to be taken care of, and on the other, they will maul anything that comes near so really there’s no way of doing so, yes you would be a good person for taking care of them (as you have in the past) but the risk of literally dying is far too high in my opinion.
The cop was annoyed because he ‘didn’t want to get bit’… hello? Neither do you! It’s his job to serve and protect, serve the neighbor by taking his dogs to the care center until out of the hospital, protect by literally protecting you from getting killed or severely injured.” dependabledepression
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There is absolutely no reason for you to put yourself in danger to take care of those dogs. All other points aside, your neighbor (through action or inaction) has raised these dogs to be the way they are, and now is facing the consequences of that choice.
I’m all for helping people out in an emergency, but not putting yourself into physical danger to do so.” bamf1701
10. AITJ For Not Taking My Daughter To The Zoo?
“I have a 3-year-old nephew (his mom is my cousin, but we basically grew up as sisters). Every year on his birthday, my mother, sister, aunt, and I take him to the zoo.
His birthday is right around Halloween weekend, and the zoo does a Halloween weekend celebration, so it’s always great fun. He loves it, and it gives his mom a day to herself to relax.
This year, my mom insisted (demanded, really) that I bring my daughter with us too.
The problem with that is my daughter is only 16 months old. Yes, we brought my nephew at that age, but he lives 10 minutes away from the zoo. I’m a 90-minute drive away.
My daughter takes a two-hour nap like clockwork at 11 every day, and if she doesn’t take one, or it’s late, she turns into an absolute BEAR.
She won’t sleep in the car or her stroller; nap conditions have to be exactly right.
The entire trip is generally about 7-8 hours including drive time. I knew full well that if I brought my daughter, she would have enjoyed it for five minutes, and then cried the rest of the time, ruining everyone else’s day.
So I made the decision to leave her home with my husband.
I warned my mom in advance that I planned to do this, but she still BLEW UP at me when I arrived at the zoo without her. She complained at me all day, but I thought she got over it by the end of the day.
I was wrong. Yesterday was Halloween, and my husband and I brought our daughter to see my inlaws (they live 10 min away). My mom saw the pictures, and I’ve been getting a barrage of hateful texts. She’s been calling me and my husband nasty names, and she’s accusing me of playing favorites by allowing my in-laws to see my daughter on Halloween, but not her.
For the record, my mom sees my daughter three days a week, every week. And I do bring her with me for shorter visits, or on trips closer to home.
My mom is saying I deprived my daughter of a good time and deprived my family of seeing her because I’m lazy and don’t care about my family.
At first, I just dismissed it as her throwing a tantrum, but then even my husband said that I should have just brought her, but stayed for a shorter time.
I still think I made the right choice but did I? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mother is ridiculous on every level.
You have valid reasons for not bringing your daughter. Not only wouldn’t she appreciate the experience but it would probably be actively difficult for her in terms of being in the car – missing her schedule – being over-stimulated. She would gain nothing from the experience because she would have no conscious memory of it being ‘special’.
As you said, if you lived close to the experience it would be different but there really is no reason to shlep a young child. I live moderately close to Disneyland and would never have taken such a young child there even if I were taking somewhat older children.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did what was best for your daughter and everyone involved. All you did was leave your child with its other parents for an activity that she wouldn’t enjoy. Your mum is acting unreasonable, and I don’t know what else you could do except telling her again that she is of course welcome to see her grandchild, but not on long trips far away from your home.
But you should also state firmly that it is up to you to decide which activities are appropriate for your child. If you let your mother overstep boundaries, she will do it again in the future. I’d try to also explain that last point to your husband.” Potential_Tea_571
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is being incredibly selfish. This isn’t about your daughter having a good time or making memories, it’s about her getting the time she’s ‘owed’ with her grandbaby. You’re being a good, caring mom for recognizing your child’s limitations (which are normal and typical for her age) and not dragging her along on a trip that would be uncomfortable for her, and which would also ruin another child’s special day.” Ambystomatigrinum
9. AITJ For Making My Family Leave Our Vacation Early?
“My wife and I have 3 girls (Anna 15, Ava 13, and Amelia 10).
We went on a vacation with my sister, her husband, their 2 girls (14 and 12), and my brother, his wife, their 2 girls (15 and 13), and their son (20).
The house we booked had a huge bunkroom that all of the girls were going to sleep in. There were 2 bunk beds with trundle beds underneath and a single bed. Amelia is very sick and can’t sleep on the top bunk because she has a hard time getting up and down the ladder.
The trundles are also out of the question because she has a hard time standing up when she’s that close to the ground. That leaves the bottom bunks and the single bed. I told my brother and sister that Amelia needs the bottom bunks or a single bed. They both said that should be fine.
We got to the house and the girls ran to start calling their beds. Usually, when we all travel somewhere, the girls choose their beds in order from oldest to youngest but I assumed my brother and sister talked to their kids about Amelia needing either the bottom bunk or single beds.
Anyway, Amelia was left with a top bunk.
She came to tell me what happened so I went to talk to my daughters and nieces and see if anyone was willing to switch with Amelia. Everyone, including my daughters, said it’s not a big deal, they’ve always chosen beds this way, and the top bunks aren’t even that high up.
I told Amelia she was going to sleep in the bedroom with me and my wife. She was upset about it but we told her it was better for her because she needs to sleep early and take naps anyway.
She went to play with her cousins and everything was okay the first day but on the second day, she ran to us crying because her cousins were teasing her for sleeping in her parents’ bed instead of the top bunk.
We talked to them again but they brushed us off. Then I asked my older two why they didn’t defend her but they said they didn’t think it was a big deal and she’s old enough to defend herself. Amelia clung to us for the rest of the day and was feeling miserable.
We couldn’t get her to play with her cousins so we decided to end the trip early and go home.
My older two were furious that we ended the trip early because she was ‘too spoiled for the top bunk’ and ‘couldn’t handle a little teasing’.
My brother and sister agree that she was acting a little spoiled and that I shouldn’t have ruined the vacation for my older two because of her so now I’m wondering if I was the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. All the adults here dropped the ball.
Why are your two grown siblings not on board with making sure Amelia’s needs are taken care of? Why is it all on the kids to manage this while the adults sit on their hands? Your siblings assured you that they would help accommodate Amelia and didn’t.
You also failed to take care of this right away in a way that would allow Amelia to be better included by staying in the room with the other kids.
All of your kids – yours and your siblings’ kids were allowed to be cruel to Amelia until you decided to dramatically end the vacation early.
At the end of the day, the adults here all failed. You didn’t properly set the tone and you also didn’t set expectations and the kids were allowed to be inconsiderate and cruel until you finally took extremely drastic action. It shouldn’t have come to that.
Your brother and sister also sound awful – they called a sick child ‘spoiled’ instead of making sure she was protected and cared for. Yikes.
I hope that you’re not just letting this be. Both your kids will be blaming Amelia for the abrupt end to vacation and she’ll suffer more.
You should be making it clear to all the kids that it’s not Amelia’s fault and that you failed by allowing things to get so out of hand. You’re the adult here.” ghostforest
Another User Comments:
“Very light YTJ, only because you assumed that a bunch of teenagers was going to act like adults.
You said in the past they’ve always chosen from oldest to youngest who gets what bed but assumed obviously they’d make an exception for Amelia, who’s the youngest. Clearly, they didn’t.
Your next step should have been to grab your siblings, and TELL all the kiddos the deal, and make sure Amelia got the bed she needed. It got left to their devices for too long and clearly spun out of control with them making fun of her for staying in your room.
(She is the baby after all and children can be cruel)
You now know for next time.” AshlynM2
Another User Comments:
“I fail to see how canceling the vacation was preferable to stepping in and making it clear the sick kid got the preference for sleeping arrangements.
But I also suspect that you have been giving her preferential treatment for a while and this is how her siblings and cousins are pushing back.
Obviously, the sick child gets coddled, especially after spending three months in the hospital, but not at the expense of your other kids or their relationship with one another.
Even the rest of your family thinks you’ve gone too far in coddling her, despite her illness.
You need to take a step back and listen to your other kids. There is something deeper going on and canceling a vacation is going to make it worse not better.
YTJ” the_owl_syndicate
This is what makes YOU the jerk. Also, the 110% favoritism you show Amelia.
8. AITJ For Wanting My Own ID?
“I (f16) live with both my parents and it’s not really the best situation as they are very controlling over me (i.e. refusing to give me my only ID, not taking me to get my G1 as promised, etc).
Last Friday I had to go to the post office to get something that one of my aunts who lives in a different province sent me and due to the fact I am 16 nobody else could go claim it. Due to this, my mother had to give me my health card as it is my only form of picture ID.
I later put it in my phone case and forgot I had it.
On Sunday we went out for brunch with my grandma and at the restaurant, my mother asked for it back and threatened to take away privileges if I didn’t give it back.
I tried to explain to her that in my opinion at 16 years old, I should be able to have my ID and health card just in case something were to happen when she was not around. When she continued to not coincide I gave it back but was annoyed and made that known to my mother, now she is saying I am too immature to have my ID.
I have also told my grandma and aunt about this in the past and asked for their advice. while they both say I should have my own ID and carry it on me at all times they take my mother’s side when I ask for it in front of them.
So AITJ for wanting my own ID and making it known to my mother and family I was upset with not having it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Solve it by going to the DMV and requesting a new one. Get a PO box at the post office and ask it to be sent there.
Explain the situation that your mom is withholding your I’d from you and you can’t physically get it from her and ask for help.
Then make a plan to escape. Open a bank account and use your PO box for the address until you get your own place.
Go paperless or have all mail sent there.
Get your ID and move out of that house as soon as possible. Find a job you can legally do and deposit your money into your account that they have no control over. Get out into a place you can afford ie ask to move in with a friend or family member.
And for food measure, go check out my credit report.com and make sure your mom didn’t take out any Credit cards, loans, or utility bills in your name.
Protect your financial future and don’t trust your parents to handle your funds responsibly. They should never know your salary or disposable income.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ but it doesn’t seem as though anyone (Dad, Aunt, Grandma) is on your dude against your Mom.
Your current issue is bigger than your ID, your credit is being harmed by a bank account in your name that you can’t access.
You don’t have access to your birth certificate or health card. You have not been allowed to get a driving license.
Is there a single trusted adult in your life that you can tell these things to who will help you? A teacher or a friend’s parent?
Your parents are wrong but they won’t change. You can’t reason with unreasonable people. You need to figure a way out.” secretrebel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and you’re right, you should be able to have possession of your ID. I would ask your parents if you can get another one, so they can keep one and you can keep one.
In some countries, it’s actually a legal issue if you don’t carry an ID with you at all times. I’m sorry your parents are this way, but definitely speak with them and ask them why you’re not allowed to carry your own identification card.” WiseBad1
7. AITJ For Telling My Neighbor That My Dog Is Aggressive?
“I (22m) recently just moved out of my parents’ house and finally have my own place all on my own. Next door though is a big family, this doesn’t bother me since I keep to myself but it’s been becoming a problem when I take my puppy for a walk.
His about 9 months old and is getting pretty big. I no longer let him around kids since he gets really excited and jumpy and can knock them over so the only kid he allowed around is my 9-year-old brother. It’s something we are still working on but he loves kids and is an excitable dog so it’s difficult.
The family I live next to has a lot of kids, every time I take my pup for a walk and they are out there they want to pat him. I always say ‘no, he might hurt you’ since standing up my dog is taller than most of these kids and will knock them over if close enough with his excitable jumping.
Recently the mum was also out the front and asked if her kids could pat my dog. I just told her no he’s aggressive towards children. She didn’t believe me at first and came up with one of her daughters to pat my dog, this cause him to bark and jump at them wanting to play but that proved that he was ‘aggressive’ to her so she stopped.
I thought that was the end of it but apparently, she saw my little brother playing with my dog in my yard and came to my door to complain that I lied to her. I tried explaining that my little brother is a child he knows and is comfortable with, my brother also knows how to deal with my dog and I’m also supervising him, something I’m not going to do with her children.
She left in a huff and now gives me evil eyes every time see her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I lie about my dog being aggressive all the time because she’s anxious and barks at other dogs and people if they come up to her which makes her look aggressive (if other dogs and people leave her alone, she literally pays them no mind whatsoever, which is why I tell people she’s aggressive so they’ll just walk on by/leave us alone.
she’s also a big dumb softy).
Side note, even if your dog was ‘aggressive’ it still wouldn’t mean he was necessarily aggressive to everyone. Dogs recognize people in their pack, my dog is amazing with my 9-year-old stepdaughter, she is so soft and gentle, and affectionate but I would not let another kid pet her because she would hate it and freak out.
Hence why it would still be okay for your dog to play with your brother and not these rando neighbor kids, even if he had ‘aggressive’ tendencies.” Leather_Set_7325
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
The woman should have taken ‘No’ for an answer and not let her kids try to play with your dog, but intentionally giving your dog the reputation of being aggressive when it’s not could put your dog in a bad situation later.
I’ve had some bad experiences with dogs in the past myself, so I’d treat a dog that the owner admitted to being aggressive very differently than a non-aggressive dog. If you told me your dog was aggressive, and it somehow got off leash later and ran toward some kids… sorry, but I 100% would not care what happened to your dog while I was focusing on keeping the kids safe because I’d be expecting it to be aggressive.” Molenium
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not wanting random people to be entitled to touch your dog and YTJ for lying that way instead of just saying no and standing firm on that. You owe no one an actual reason and they can take no for an answer.
Also YTJ for not socializing your dog. If your dog is easily excitable, it needs a pack also its good for a dog to be around kids because when they’re young it teaches dogs to be gentle and slow down, also playing with dogs at the dog park regularly will calm your dog down too because other dogs will straighten him out and teach him the dog rules.
He’ll be better the more he’d around kids and dogs as long as you are with him and your energy isn’t “My dog might hurt somebody”. Dogs respond to their owner’s energy, be mindful of that.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You only mildly, for lying about your dog being aggressive.
That could bite you in the jerk if your dog ever knocks down a child and the family calls the police to complain about your ‘known by the owner to be aggressive’ dog. But the mother is the worst, for not teaching her children to ask the owner for permission to pet their dogs before coming up to touch them.
And then doubling down by not believing you when you said no. And tripling down by confronting you regarding your brother.” TemptingPenguin369
6. AITJ For Changing My Adoptive Son's Name?
“My husband and I took in his cousin Sue’s newborn due to her and her partner John’s addiction issues. It’s not a decision I regret. This beautiful boy is the light of my life but it was a major life change for us. Especially me as I was the one who gave up my job and my social life to be basically locked up and isolated during the global crisis with a baby.
It was supposed to be temporary while they went to rehab. They never went to rehab nor complied with any of the safety plans set up by CPS. From 2 months on they have not seen the baby nor supported him in any way. John’s family has not been involved either as they also refused to abide by the safety plan or any of the CPS recommendations.
Now 2 years later my husband and I have full legal custody and CPS has closed the file. We have put forth a petition to change the baby’s name. At birth john and sue named the boy Steven to ‘honor’ John’s brother who passed away while partying with John and Sue who was PREGNANT and getting high.
My husband and I have never ever referred to the baby by that name. We always called him Davey (his middle name) after Sue and my husband’s grandfather. So instead of being Steven David Jones, we are changing it to David Owen Smith. Owen is after my father who absolutely adores him and accepted him as his grandson from day one.
So here’s where I might have ventured into being a jerk. My husband thinks I went too far but I feel they pushed me to the end. John’s family found out and blew up my social media and messaging. (not my husband’s just mine) Telling me that I have no right to change the name or honor my father because I’m nothing more than a babysitter and I’m not the real mother.
I was called a baby thief amongst more vile accusations. So I snapped and responded that MY son’s name will honor good men that he could proudly emulate not like their junkie relative who was a pest to the world defrauding the govt for benefits and stealing from anyone he could and contributed nothing to life or society and his only accomplishment is that he passed away before he went to prison.
Harsh. yes. but I still don’t feel like I’m the jerk.
Edit: I did not change the name on my own. My husband was very involved in the decision as were our 2 daughters who helped name their baby brother. The name reflects our cohesion as a family.
We are ALL Smiths. And my girls came up with the idea of using Pippy’s name because it shows he wasn’t just adopted by my husband and I but by an entire family.”
Another User Comments:
“Mmm. It’s tough but I’m gonna say NTJ.
Like, your words were harsh, but you didn’t lie, and you didn’t say them out of the blue – they said disgusting things to you first. I think that makes you a justified jerk, which means you are NTJ.
The baby hasn’t ever gone by the name on paper, so changing his name legally makes total sense. Your kid is too young to choose their own name, so it’s not like you could ask the baby what it wants its name to be. And I sincerely doubt they’ll be confused by it since you’ve never called him his legal name.
As far as he can tell, his name will never change.
As an aside, sorry they said such things to you. You are not a baby thief or a glorified babysitter. You are a parent.” StragglingShadow
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk for re-naming your son.
But everyone sucks here for the exchange you had with his family. They came after you in a very nasty way and they deserved to be put in place verbally. But I feel like you didn’t only knock them out verbally, but kicked them to the ground and then beat them to a pulp with a metal baseball bat and then set them on fire – metaphorically speaking.
I understand why you did it. I understand why it was justified. But I also think it was too much and you could have navigated that situation more elegantly, i.e. by simply blocking them and not responding to their accusations instead of going down to their level and entertaining that whole toxic conversation.” Kompottkopf
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
They are saying some vile things and you shouldn’t have to deal with that. You are your child’s mother in every way that matters.
In your understandable anger you didn’t lash at them, you lashed out at their deceased family member, whose passing never gave them the chance your cousin-in-law and her partner are squandering.
No one will ever know what he would have done with another chance.
I don’t think you’re wrong to change the name. I do think your anger was misdirected towards your child’s current namesake when, while he had his challenges, he is the only person mentioned in the family not causing you or your child harm.” EmpressJainaSolo
5. AITJ For Not Caring About My Neighbor's Infidelity?
“This situation is about the neighbors directly across the street. They moved in a couple of years ago and are a young couple. If I (47m) had to guess, I think they’re in their early 30s. We wave to each other when we see each other and have said hi a few times but I don’t know their names.
I’ll just call them Bob and Susan. Apparently, Bob leaves for work earlier and comes home later than Susan.
My wife (39f) has a hybrid schedule where she works part of the week at the office and part of it at home. Her home office is in front of our house and looks directly into the house across the street.
Recently, she’s been telling me that when she works from home, she sees a man visiting the neighbor’s house either after Bob leaves for work or before he comes home. She swears she once saw adult activities between this stranger and Susan because their curtains were open.
At first, it was just humorous but as the weeks pass, my wife has gotten more and more agitated with the situation. She wanted me to talk to Bob to tell him what was going on which I refused because it’s not our problem and we don’t know if they have an arrangement.
Then she started to take pics on her phone to show me the car and the guy. It was almost a fight to make her delete the pics. Now the agitation has turned into full-blown anger at me. Basically, she’s mad that I’m not more concerned with Susan having an affair.
I told her I have our lives to live, I simply don’t care what goes on in their house. This answer angered her so much that she slept in the guest bedroom for a couple of nights.
I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong by minding my own business but I also slept alone for a couple of nights.
Update: Why did I make her delete the pics? I’m not a lawyer and I don’t know the laws regarding taking people’s pics without their consent. I figured it’s safest to not have them. If things get out of hand and we get sued for invading privacy, we don’t have money to waste on hiring a lawyer.
Why doesn’t my wife tell her themselves? She’s an introvert and not comfortable with talking to someone she doesn’t know. Also, I’m guessing that she thinks it’s my job as a man to tell another man the bad news.
Why won’t I get involved?
I’ve watched enough news to know that a domestic situation is the most dangerous most cop will face in their career. Cops are scared to go in with tools and backup. I’ll be alone as the messenger. Also, where we live neighbors just don’t get into other neighbors’ businesses.
Every year, there’s a story on the news about some neighbor getting hurt or worse by telling their neighbor to turn down the music or don’t cuss in front of children. These incidents are very common where we live. I don’t need a hammer to my face.
My wife might be thinking I’m okay with infidelity. I will be talking to her about this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, your wife may take your disinterest in the neighbor’s lives to mean that you are ok with infidelity. This could create problems in your relationship.
I would first sit down and let the wife articulate how she feels, and listen to her ideas for notifying Bob. I would then talk through the possible unintended consequences of getting involved in other’s relationships. (Violence, so-called ‘crimes of passion,’ etc).
If she’s still insistent that you get involved to notify Bob, then you might seek a third party to talk to, like a marriage counselor, for this one issue.
An uninvolved party may help clear the air.” Shizzo
Another User Comments:
“You do not even know if there IS infidelity involved. For all you know, the couple could be in an open or poly relationship. I hate unfaithful people with every fiber of my being, so would also find it difficult to notice something like this and not say anything, but since you don’t actually know the couple or their dynamic in private, I don’t think it’s your place to get involved. If it makes your wife feel better SHE can write an anonymous letter to the neighbor or something expressing concerns about noticing a strange man coming around, although I would tell her not to outright accuse anyone of having an affair in the letter.
But honestly even that seems like overstepping. This is a tough call because if it IS infidelity, I would want to know.
NTJ for being hesitant at getting involved when you don’t actually know the people involved. I really don’t know what I’d do in your shoes.
It’s tough all around.” CloverLeafe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your wife really needs to close her blinds and stop spying on the people across the street. I don’t know about your state, but ours has some pretty strict laws against voyeurism, basically, if she were here, she could be charged with felony peeping because of watching and taking pictures of what is going on over there.
Maybe sit down and talk with your wife about WHY she is so adamant about getting involved in this mess with total strangers. There has to be a reason that she doesn’t see what a huge invasion of privacy she is committing. And the fact that she is angry over your refusal also needs to be discussed.
Find out why this is so important to her. Then, address those reasons. Because this is none of your wife’s business and getting involved is only going to make things worse for the two of you. Has she never watched a television show, movie, or even Dateline before?
She should know by now not to involve herself in other people’s drama. So find out why she is so focused on doing just that.” PaganCHICK720
4. AITJ For Not Going To My In-Laws' Christmas Dinner?
“My husband’s family has a tradition of always eating out at a pizza restaurant for Christmas Eve dinner. Once we got married it was expected I would join the family for this. Problem is, I cannot eat dairy and this particular restaurant only has pizza (no dairy-free food at all).
So last year I chose not to attend the dinner and just meet up with everyone after (my husband attended the dinner). My mother-in-law was upset with me because they usually exchange presents at the restaurant and said it was rude of me not to attend.
But I didn’t want to watch everyone else eat and chose not to go.
During this past year, my husband was diagnosed with lactose intolerance and doesn’t eat much dairy now either. So we suggested that this year we would make homemade pizzas, that way it was still the pizza tradition but we could make dairy-free options for ourselves.
My mother-in-law said no and said that I specifically was ruining their family’s tradition. She said we should all go to the restaurant still and the two of us should just eat beforehand. I still have no interest in watching everyone else eat. My husband and I are refusing to join them and are instead making plans to spend Christmas Eve with my family.
We were told we are ruining Christmas for the whole family.
I’m starting to wonder if I’m being too stubborn and if we should just go to the restaurant to make everyone else happy. So I’d like to know, am I the jerk for refusing to go to the dinner?
EDIT: I have an allergy, not just intolerance, also we have called the restaurant and there is dairy in their crust and sauce so they cannot guarantee any dairy-free options!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First, an invitation is not a summons, and you are free to decline an invitation for any reason.
Second, you can not eat dairy, and your husband can not now either, so it would be awkward for you both to be there watching everyone else eat, not to mention bad manners on your in-laws’ part doing that.
Third, you offered a perfectly reasonable compromise of everyone making homemade pizzas that everyone can eat and enjoy, and your in-laws shot that down for no good reason at all.
On a side note, this would’ve just enriched the family tradition even more because cooking together can be a very fun, bonding thing to do, especially if everyone were to choose an ingredient of their own to add to a pizza, and thus make cool combinations.
Your in-laws are just being childish and narcissistic with this ‘my way or the highway’ attitude. You and hubby, and whoever else wants to try out your idea of making homemade dairy-free pizzas should go right ahead and make your own family tradition.” Bjnboy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They are not willing to accommodate at all, they want to stick to their tradition, at their restaurant, and you can just deal with it.
So you have chosen not to deal with it. My family has plenty of traditions, and they all change a little or a lot as people are added to the family or things change.
They could pick a different restaurant to include you, and now that their son can’t eat there either, they should be willing to find a different restaurant or respect that you won’t be going.
I get that this is their tradition, and it totally sucks to change traditions, but if the tradition is about celebrating with family, then actually having all the family there should be the guiding principle of the event.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Even if we put food intolerances to the side. What does your MIL expect? Her son is married, and it’s 2022. Men and women are equal, so she should expect a maximum of 50% attendance of you as a couple. The fact she expects 100% is ridiculous, and you (or rather, your husband) should be able to squash any claims that you are ruining anything based on this alone.
Then the whole food thing is a whole other can of worms. Food intolerances are in varying degrees, from ‘very mild reaction’ to ‘unless transported to the ER in minutes, will not make it’. SOME yearly traditions trump the ‘very mild reaction’, so it’s not so cut-and-dry here, but yeah, you’re an adult, and you and your partner get to decide what to do for Christmas eve, and attending a meal you can’t partake in would be not-so-high on my list either.” KleineDorpsbewoner
3. AITJ For Not Allowing My Daughter To Have Breaks?
“So, this morning, I got an email from my daughter’s business teacher saying that my daughter (15f) did not submit any of her assignments, and because of this, he doesn’t have enough evidence to give her a grade. He added that he has given her multiple chances in the past, but she did not submit anything, and because he has to submit the report card grades soon, he has no choice but to give her a failing grade for her midterm.
When my daughter got home, I asked to follow me to my room, showed her the email, and asked her to explain it. She apologized and gave excuses, such as the fact that she found business to be hard and boring, despite the fact that she wanted to take it and I advised against it many times.
I asked her if she could drop business for the rest of the year, and she said it was not possible.
I told her that she needed to work on all her missing assignments and submit them as soon as possible for the slight chance that she could get a passing grade for her midterm and overall get higher grades for the end of the school year.
She gave me a list of all the assignments that she did not work and I had her immediately work on them.
A few hours later, I heard her talking. I open the door, and I found her talking on her phone with her friends while playing a game on her computer.
After she was finished, I asked her to come and bring her phone to me. She asked why, and I told her that she couldn’t take any breaks. I told her she had to get her assignments done and she couldn’t afford to waste any more of her time than she already did.
She begged me to get some time off to do her things and promised that this wouldn’t happen again. I was adamant about that and took her phone. I told her if I caught her wasting her time again before finishing her business assignments, I would ground her.
She called me the worst and left the room.
Now she’s crying in her room. I wonder if I was hard on her but she needs to know that her actions have consequences and that if she wanted to have time to play with her friends, then she shouldn’t have failed her class in the first place.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
She’s 15 and may not have developed certain skills yet about how to approach work she is required to do, but has difficulty with, or hates doing. There are all kinds of work like this in adult life and instead of working with her about how to approach it (perhaps breaking it down into smaller pieces) you just use the full punishment mode.
She needs to learn how to deal with this as an adult and you’ve thrown her into the deep end.
You even already have the knowledge about what she’d like to do instead: talk on the phone and play video games.
Instead of ‘just do it without breaks’ have her get all the assignments in a list, and between each/or certain assignments tell her she gets 10 minutes of phone or 15 minutes of the video game.
Knowing how you learn and where your speedbumps are is a very valuable lesson as an adult. When she understands who she is and how she learns she’ll be able to do this on her own for the rest of her life.
With your actions she hasn’t learn.” somewhat_pragmatic
Another User Comments:
“While I don’t think you’re coming from the wrong place, I also don’t think this is not the best way to go about handling this situation.
It’s unrealistic to expect your daughter to sit down and do 2ish months of work in one sitting.
That’s not to say that she doesn’t need to get it done, but work with her to create a plan that feels achievable by breaking up the work in a way that allows for breaks.
Is this problem specific to this one class? Or is this happening in all of her classes?
Because if it’s just this one class it sounds like your daughter needs some support in this one area. Talk with her, and help her to identify what the problem is and what can be done to solve it. If this is a repeated pattern of neglecting to do her work across the board, then you need to have a bigger conversation about the importance of her education, and that choosing not to participate in school is not an option.
If she doesn’t want to participate in school, then she doesn’t get to participate in fun things like video calls with friends. In the same way that if adults don’t go to work, they don’t have the resources for things like phones/going out with friends.
School is her job, she needs to be doing it.
You are NTJ.” salmonberrycreek
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but I understand the mentality behind it.
As a parent, I totally understand the misery of homework and the teeth-pulling to get it done. I have 2 children with ADHD and 1 also has autism.
Trying to get them to finish homework should be considered cruel and unusual punishment.
That said it sounds like you are pushing her hard to put her grades higher but I have a very important question.
What happens if she fails the class?
Most schools will have her retake it, or (because this sounds more like an elective) catch up on the points for graduating elsewhere.
Absolute worst she doesn’t get into a particular college or major she wants or takes an extra year to graduate. That would be the natural consequence no?
Your goal is good, but your attitude toward attacking the problem is not. You need to figure out what the problem is.
She said boring and difficult so it could just be she was not understanding the material or even the teacher is not a good one and some tutoring could aid her in grasping concept better. The homework part is needed yes but you said yourself the chance is slim that doing it will get her a good grade so why terrorize her over it?
Plan for the worst instead of trying to force an option that will cause harm, particularly to self-esteem.
The fact that she did not come to you saying she has a problem and instead ignored and hid it speaks VOLUMES. I did this as a kid because I got this same treatment.
The way you present it I am willing to bet it’s not just ‘Sit and do your homework’ it’s insults and screaming which doesn’t help her at all. Punishing her when she’s already low doesn’t help her at all. You just make her feel even worse and more like you can’t love her because of her flaws and failures.
Breaks help. Science actually shows this if you look up studies about concentration and studying.
Also talking to friends and playing a game is not ‘wasting time. It’s self-care. She was trying to self-soothe so she could work on the homework. Would she have gotten back to it or lost in the games and friends forever?
Who knows! You certainly didn’t let her even get to that point. That’s where those natural consequences come in. No kid likes summer school but no one has ever died from it or gotten a bad grade. Surprisingly I have never been denied a job for having gone to summer school as a kid.
Maybe instead of cracking the proverbial whip and being a tyrant you should try empathizing with her. Assure her this is not the end of the world and you still love her. It’s just a failure, and if it’s one thing everyone has to learn it’s healthy ways of dealing with failures and building yourself back up.
What you are teaching her is to put herself last anytime Life shows up to kick her and that she’s not worthy of time with friends or self-care because she has stuff to do. No rest until the work is done. No vacation is allowed until everything in life is done.
Parent passed away? Oh, she can’t go to the funeral, she’s got work to do, and that comes before ‘wasting time’ grieving.
Is that what you want to see from your daughter?” BlueRebelKin
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It’s not reasonable to say she can’t take any breaks and yelling at her is counterproductive.
Instead, allow reasonable breaks – work for 30 minutes, then take 10 minutes to stretch and get food for example.
Since she cares about her phone and friends, use that as a motivator. ‘For every assignment you complete, you get 10 minutes of phone time. You can take them as short breaks or save them up to have a longer chat with friends.’
That will make it much more likely she’ll actually get through the work and will cast you as a firm but supportive parent instead of her feeling that you’re cruel, which could do real damage to your relationship.” pupperoni42
For those of you posting that OP is the jerk. Well, I'd like to introduce you to the parent who wants their child to succeed . OP keep up the good work. You are not the jerk.
2. AITJ For Threatening To Call The Landlord On My Roommate?
“I (20F) have a roommate (24M) and we split rent 50/50 for a two-bed apartment. We get along pretty well and have never had any problems.
As part of our renter’s agreement with the landlord, we’re only allowed one guest over at a time for a week max with the consent of the other roommate. So if I want to have a friend stay with me for a few days, my roommate has to agree, and vice versa.
We both have had friends over before and it’s always gone over peacefully. We both also have had more than one friend over with no issues because we respected each other’s space and belongings. It’s important to note here that I’ve only ever invited over other women, and he’s only ever invited over other men.
Our guests also stay in our own bedrooms.
Three weeks ago, one of my friends, Mike (22M) needed a place to stay for three days because he was leaving an abusive partner. I asked my roommate if it was alright to have him over for those three days.
I explained the sensitivity of the situation and I promised, as always, to cover any extra expenses caused by Mike being over. My roommate refused because he said he didn’t feel comfortable with a man being invited over. I had no clue what he was talking about it and I was very annoyed, but I respected his choice.
My friends and I put money together to get Mike a hotel room for those three days instead.
Today, my roommate asked if he could have two friends over for Friday and the Weekend. I said no because it was against the renter’s rules. He was confused because we’d both agreed to break the rules before, but I said to him that I didn’t feel comfortable with two strange men over.
He could tell straight away that I was doing it to annoy him because he didn’t let Mike stay over, plus I have met the friends he was inviting over before. He told me to stop being childish because he has a right to refuse guests for being uncomfortable whereas I was doing it to be annoying.
What’s even more irritating is that he has met Mike before and they get along with each other. He then said he’d invite them over anyway but I said I’d call the landlord if he did so. We got into an argument and he called me a jerk for threatening to call the landlord over this.
I still don’t think I’m wrong because I am allowed (in the agreement) to refuse guests for any reason but I would like an objective opinion. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He knew of this friend of yours, why would he deny this visit? Both of you had your understanding and arrangements.
You both would have guests over. I’m curious, is this the first time you wanted a male guest to stay over? I think your roommate probably has feelings for you or probably thinks he’s going to face half-exposed men coming from your room. If he wanted to suddenly play the ‘No’ card then you’re free to do the same.
Actions have consequences. He shouldn’t expect you to be accommodating when he isn’t. You weren’t bringing over a stranger.” Tami-112
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your friend was in a situation so abusive he needed to couch surf, and instead of being able to stay with a supportive friend he had to go on his own to a hotel.
It might have been a good break for him to be alone and thank God he had friends who could fund his stay but many people who are in the process of leaving a traumatic situation do better with a friend or two around them so they don’t get stuck in their own head.
His gender is irrelevant beyond the fact that male victims of domestic mistreatment in both same-gender and heterosexual relationships, face a severe lack of support and understanding. You’re allowed to have guests and should be able to support those you care about going through a crisis.
Your housemate not only went back on your agreement about having guests over, but he also made an already traumatic situation even more stressful for a victim of domestic mistreatment and now he is angry that you don’t want to hold to an agreement he broke resulting in the someone you care about being even more isolated after leaving an abusive relationship?
What are these friends doing that makes them so much more worthy of understanding, going to rescue orphans?” HannahAnthonia
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Both of you need to grow up.
You’re not wrong it was ridiculous and petty of your roommate to object to Mike staying over.
But all you’re doing trying to use two wrongs to make a right. What you’re doing is not okay.
Throwing a fit over the Mike thing is fine, but you should TRY to get this rooming situation back to a place where you both get to have guests.
The purpose of the permission thing in the renter’s agreement is to deal with problems with guests that are a serious problem, not to give you both the chance to control each other.
Tell your roommate that if he wants his friends over for Friday the Mike situation needs to be made up for.
Specifically:
He apologizes for vetoing Mike.
He agrees that from now on, no vetoing guests based on being ‘uncomfortable.’ It needs to be a more serious problem with a specific guest.
And for what it’s worth, I think he should probably pay for at least some of Mike’s hotel as part of apologizing properly.
If you want to use withholding permission as leverage to extract this kind of agreement from your roommate, I’d be totally fine with that. But it seems like you just decided that you’re okay with you both being jerks to each other.” nylonvest
1. AITJ For Not Telling My Mom My Brother Passed Away?
“I (24F) had a younger brother (18M) who had some serious mental issues, as well as physical health issues. My mom had me help take care of him, and eventually, we decided that he’d move in with me (it was more her decision, anyways). I didn’t like this choice but whatever.
My mom wanted some control over what I did with him still, but I didn’t think it was her business, so we eventually fell out of contact. About a week ago, he passed away due to physical issues. My mom knew it was coming for about six months now.
I decided against telling her because we aren’t in contact anymore. I’m not planning on telling her anytime soon, in case she’s mad at me.
Also, for your information, my dad left when I was like 10 so yeah, I don’t even talk to him or anything.
I don’t even know for sure if he’s even alive. And we are full siblings, biologically of my mom (who never got into another relationship) and my dad.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother showed exactly how much she cared about your brother when she abandoned him.
You should not have been forced into the role of caretaker for your brother, especially at such a young age. If you feel that she should know, send a letter telling her the date and cause of his death, and nothing else. Block her number and socials.
I’m sorry for your loss, and for the hardships you endured. You and your brother deserved better.” fhomealone
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ
Look, she’s going to find out eventually. Write her a letter with no return address if you have to, but make sure she knows.
Or take a friend to meet her in a public place, like a library or café. Sooner rather than later, the more you wait the heavier it will become.
You are perfectly free to cut all contact after.” lyan-cat
