People Want Us To Express Our Judgment On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
15. AITJ For Altering My Wedding Dress And Not Giving It To My Sister?
“So I was supposed to get married 2 months ago to my ex-partner of 5 years.
Sadly we broke it off because he lied to me at his bachelor party with a dancer.
I had this beautiful dress that cost me around 2k dollars (out of my pocket). I had been very depressed since everything happened because I felt it was somehow my fault for not being hot enough or not giving him what he wanted. So last weekend I decided to ‘take my power back’ and I began altering the dress.
I have been sewing for 15 plus years so I know what I am doing. I cut it a bit, changed the color to something less wedding-y, and after a week of work I had a beautiful gown that I could use for more stuff.
The problem comes now. I uploaded that picture of the dress to Instagram with a caption that said something along the lines of ‘you can change the worst memories’ or some stuff like that.
My sister hits me up and asks me if that was my old wedding dress and I told her yes. She then called me and asked me why I had done this. I asked her why it was such a big deal. And she told me that I could have waited till after the wedding.
I was so confused. Then she reminded me that when we were staying at the hotel where my wedding was supposed to happen, my mom and sister were there cheering me up and my sister said something along the lines of ‘oh well if you are not using it I will.’ We all laughed so I thought it was a joke because it was never brought up again after.
She just asked me once what material it was so I assumed she wanted something similar.
Now my sister is mad at me and my mom says she understands our povs. But that I could have waited for 5 more months till after her wedding to ‘take my power back.’
AITJ?
Edit: Yes, he hooked up with the woman.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
No one is a jerk for the miscommunication. Easy enough to understand that you didn’t think your sister was serious and your sister may have wanted to do a follow-up on her request.
Your sister is a jerk for thinking it wouldn’t be hurtful for you to have to watch her walk down the aisle in the dress you were meant to get married in. It’s insensitive at best- if you’re honestly ok with it, that’s another story but I don’t think this situation was examined hard enough before your sister took for granted that it was set in stone.
There are also some logistical issues to consider- is she the exact same height and body shape as you? Would she have needed alterations that would have changed the gown to the point where you may not have been able to ‘take it back’ (I know nothing about sewing)?
Would she have been resentful to you for changing ‘her’ wedding dress after the fact? Not that your sister has any right to claim ownership over it but- here we are!” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you did was cathartic and a symbolic way of reclaiming control of your life after Plan A went down. Enjoy your epic gown, and I’d love to see pics, but I understand you’re trying to stay anonymous.
I imagine it being an awesome montage of you feverishly cutting and sewing and dying the gown until it’s something completely different, like Pretty In Pink, except it doesn’t come out stupid looking like Molly Ringwald’s dress did.
You don’t owe your sister anything. If you feel up to it, tell her to buy a crappy dress and, as a wedding gift, you’ll make it into something fantastic. But only if you feel up to it.
Also, screw these people, you’re allowed to break up with someone for whatever reason you want. You don’t have to justify anything to anybody. He lied to you at his bachelor party, and now you don’t want to marry him?
Leave him. He never lies, but routinely blows his paycheck on some illegal stuff, and you don’t want to be married to that kind of trash? Leave him. He’s perfect in every way, except he expects you to do 100% of the housework, and you don’t want to be his maid til he keels over?
Leave him. If you don’t want to marry someone, then you don’t have to marry them, regardless of whether what they did was ‘bad enough’ according to people who aren’t the ones engaged to him.
We all have dealbreakers. This was yours. You did what you needed to do. Enjoy the dress and your future.” User
Another User Comments:
“Firstly, good for you for being strong enough to leave the man… Honestly, I worked in the industry for 9 years & I know there’s a 98% chance that wasn’t the first time & wouldn’t be the last…
no matter what day it was or what the circumstances were… Men are jerks.. Don’t get me wrong though!!!! There were much many more good boys that I encountered so they do actually exist…
That being said, you absolutely ARE, hot & beautiful enough. Don’t you ever let someone who just wasn’t good enough for you bring you out like that? Listen to the universe! Right before you married a dude that would do something like that, you get a reality check & are most likely about to enter the best time of your life yet.
Three months before I was supposed to get married I found out my ex was doing some nasty job in Costa Rica, as well as playing house with some 19 year old & her family… his boss who fired him because we got back together back here at home, & a man… who’s phone bill I was paying L***O… girl… let me tell you something… the process of coming back from that???
I couldn’t resist leaving my 2 cents on this post. I know exactly how much it meant to you to rip that dress up & make it something beautiful…
& I hope you absolutely do something remarkable in that dress.
I hope you sleep with a Prince in that dress & become the Queen of some beautiful amazing country somewhere. So mad love to you… I do not think you are the jerk.
I think your sister should buy her own dress, to begin with… Why would she want something with that type of energy on it to marry her man?
You’d hate it the entire time & the whole night you’d be looking at the thing like you might set it on fire. Throw a couple of dollars at her & help her pick out HER dress… Not a hand me down… Take her out for a day a play dress up…
I used to be an event designer & even in the most expensive stores you can find gems that are priced well… & you’re a seamstress… Make her a dress, lol… I can imagine how much more & absolutely important it would be & mean to her.
Did you get your power back by sewing? So… sew, honeybun.
With love, NTJ.” senzimilla
14. AITJ For Sharing Too Much Information With My Professor?
“I (F19) get embarrassed and anxious very easily and just had the oddest interaction with my professor (Male, I’d say 40s).
So I had extreme stomach pain Sunday night. My friends take me to the ER, turns out I had a ruptured ovarian cyst and got diagnosed with endometriosis.
I know I will miss my class Monday, so I email my professor. He says OK, please just come to his office hours the next day to show him the excuse the doctor wrote.
I do, and he asks me what had happened. I don’t really want to get into it so I just told him I felt very sick but they gave me pain meds and I’m fine now.
He keeps prying for more info. I tell him about a ruptured ovarian cyst and endometriosis. He asks what that means, so I explain what endometriosis (tissue that lines the uterus growing outside of it) is and that I had a cyst on my ovaries that ruptured. He literally has the most disgusted look on his face and says ‘I really did not need to know all about that.
You should have just said female problems and left it at that. That’s really too much information.’
Now I’m literally sweating and blushing and apologizing profusely and all he says is: ‘It’s very inappropriate to share details like that.
If I knew it was that kind of condition I wouldn’t have asked. You should know not to share that kind of stuff. You can go now.” I’m literally so confused. I’ve never had an encounter like that with anyone.
Did I do something wrong? I’m so embarrassed to go to class tomorrow.
Edit for more info: He’s not tenured, in fact, he is a full-time lawyer. He only teaches this one class here, once a semester.
Maybe that has something to do with his lack of tact in talking to students?
Edit: I’m assuming I was talking too fast due to nerves and he didn’t hear ‘ovarian’ clearly, because I was also very confused when he asked for further explanation on that one.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! He pushed you for details! You tried to give the socially acceptable-to-him wave off and he didn’t take it. If you are a ‘female’ and he is aware of that, then he’s aware that there’s a chance your health issue was a ‘female problem’!
This dude needs to get a grip. To be honest, I might not say anything to any of his supervisors directly, but I would mention this on the end-of-term evaluation (if you do those at your school), and explain its impact.
Yes, he’ll know it was you who gave that comment. But you’ll call him out and his bosses will see it as well.
This man is ridiculous. I hope you’re feeling better!” and-but-so
Another User Comments:
“He insisted that you overshare then complained when you did. His conduct was wildly inappropriate and has created an uncomfortable environment for you to learn in. It was none of his business in the first place and he had no place to drill you for personal medical details.
There is also nothing disgusting about your very common conditions and I’m almost more surprised that a 40-something-year-old has never heard of ovarian cysts or endometriosis. Everything about this is bizarre. You should have chided him for his response instead of apologizing to him and you should report him/ make a formal complaint about his unprofessional conduct.
NTJ.” BroadswordEpic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His questioning you was completely inappropriate and outside the boundaries of his position. You brought the note he requested. Should have been the end of story. You need to go to the department head and tell them what happened. I actually feel a little creeped out by his prying.
I’m sure you felt invaded.
EDIT: I also think he did this to make you feel humiliated and embarrassed for missing a class.” bhtx24
13. AITJ For Telling My Coworker That I Don't Want To Be A Role Model To His New Assistant?
“I’m an account manager and my workplace is a satellite office that I share with three other account managers and our assistants. Our immediate supervisor’s workplace is somewhere else and we account managers are of equal rank.
For the past few months, I’ve been coming in late (by an hour to two hours) when I feel like it and I have no urgent transactions since I already hit my budget back in August and I’m pretty much just chilling until the end of the year.
Our work is evaluated on an individual basis and not per team, and my co-managers don’t do any of my work when I’m late. Attendance is recorded but not part of the performance evaluation for my position.
One of my co-account managers, I will call her Clarisse, has a new assistant, Jenny, who has been with us for just a week. I came in past 10 am (work starts at 8.30 am) twice during Jenny’s first week at the job, and Clarisse said that Jenny asked if it was ok to come in that late.
Clarisse then said that she would appreciate it if I try to come in on time because we should all set a good example for Jenny, whose performance evaluation as an assistant includes attendance.
I told Clarisse that I think it’s great that she wants Jenny to do well at work, but I didn’t think it was my responsibility to be a role model to her more than it was Clarisse’s responsibility to mentor her on what she should and should not do (since Jenny is her assistant and not mine) or Jenny’s own responsibility to know the components of the job that she will be evaluated on, if attendance is one of them or not.
It seems Clarisse didn’t like what I said because she’s been ignoring me since then. But I really think that my punctuality is none of her business since she’s not my boss nor is she affected by what time I come to work.
Edit: Adding per someone’s request that my boss knows what time I get to work because he approves my time records monthly. The time records show what time I came in and indicate how many minutes I’m late if I am.
He hasn’t said anything about my punctuality.”
Another User Comments:
“I wanna go against the grain here for a bit.
Yes, you may perform with no issue being ‘late’ and your boss may not care because you still perform so well/get your tasks done, but assuming, you and the other account managers are at a similar salary, she may be slightly jealous that you can come as you please while getting paid to do so?
If not the case then my apologies.
Have you considered that maybe her new assistant stays long term, thinking it’s okay to be late (even though her boss may need her) and that someday you will have an assistant too that may learn from Jenny that it is acceptable?
Will you be as nonchalant about being on time then?
Ultimately, if your boss is okay with it, you are getting your work done to a good standard, and you will not hold the time expectations to others, then NTJ.” Rileron
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, there are different rules for support staff. We’re allowed to work from home in my office and set our own schedules. However, support staff does not get similar perks.
They have set times to be in the office. Your coworker can keep the same schedule as her assistant if it makes her feel better but she can’t police your schedule. If your manager doesn’t care then your schedule is none of her business.” soph_lurk_2018
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like Clarisse wants to avoid conflict or disappointing Jenny when she brings up coming in later. It’s not your responsibility to set an example for other people’s assistants.
Jenny also needs to get a clue and realize that it’s inappropriate to ask to come in later when other people (not at her level) come in at different times, but that’s for Clarisse to talk to her about.” StarDatAssinum
12. AITJ For Telling My Partner I Don't Want Her Sterilizing Her Menstrual Cup In Our Kettle?
“My partner and I have been together for nearly 2 years now. We get along great and already have moved in with each other. I am a pretty laid-back guy and like to ‘go with the flow’, whilst she is very organized and likes to take charge, which works very well for us because we are always pulling in the same direction because our personalities match up well!
A couple of months or so ago we were having a conversation about women’s sanitary products. We were discussing how expensive they are etc and we got onto the subject of ‘menstrual cups’ (the ones where you can just keep reusing them, so it would save us so much in the long run.
My partner looked them up, we did some research and ordered one (specifically one called ‘mooncup’)
It took my partner a while to get used to it, but by her second period she was accustomed to it; problem solved!
Now here is where the issue begins… I live in the UK and as many of you probably know, we Brits love a cup of tea… Whenever I make a cup of tea I always empty out the old water from the kettle, just so I can fill it up with fresh water and maximize the flavor.
Yesterday I poured all the water out of the kettle to make myself a brew, and my partner’s menstrual cup fell out of it!!
I was a bit shocked and called out to my partner (in the other room) ‘Babe, why is your menstrual cup in the kettle?!;
To which she replied ‘Oh I was boiling it to ‘sterilize’ it, to make sure it is clean for my next use, I thought you knew, this isn’t the first time I have used the kettle to sterilize it’.
I was lost for words and told her that is disgusting, we drink water from this kettle, who in their right mind would use it to boil something that collects b***d from inside of you???
She got pretty upset and we had an argument about it. She thinks I am being unreasonable. Do you guys think I am the jerk in this situation??”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – just an opportunity for education.
She needs to bring the water to a violent rolling boil and leave the cup in it for 5 minutes. That cannot happen in a kettle. She should also wash the cup and dry it before doing so to reduce the possibility of body fluids still being on it… use a pipe cleaner in the suction holes.
This is for both of your reproductive organs’ health. She made a mistake and it’s embarrassing but just go buy a new kettle and a special cup pot for her. It’s not ‘revolting’ just because there once was b***d on the cup.
I assume you’ve seen her down there before without issue so just make sure proper sanitizing efforts are exercised in the future.
It’s not like she took a dump in the kettle and boiled it or used the kettle as her cup.
She was doing her best and now it’s time to help her learn a better method of cleaning the cup.” User
Another User Comments:
“Ehhh, everyone sucks here.
I personally have been using a menstrual cup for over two years now (it’s awesome!
Definitely recommend it), and she definitely should have told you she was using the kettle before putting it in there. Especially if that kettle is yours, she should have some respect for your boundaries when using something that belongs to you.
However, I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with using an existing pan in your kitchen that you use for other cooking things to sterilize the menstrual cup. I use my quart saucepan to sterilize mine and have had no problems with either my health or my digestive health from this practice.
If you are using that pot to cook raw meat then there should really not be a problem since raw meat is simply a product of b***d, tissue, and protein, the same as menses.
So long as you’re sure to clean your kitchen products after having them interact with raw meat, then you can avoid the health risks associated with the bacteria living on the meat, such as salmonella.
Why should it be different for something that has touched menstrual b***d and is simply made out of silicon, which is a common material for kitchen products? After all, you’re boiling the water in the pot to sterilize the menstrual cup, so it should get rid of all of the bacteria that are still on the silicon (since you should wash the cup of menses before boiling it, but that just seems obvious to me).
Honestly, in my opinion, being grossed out by menses and menstrual products is just another instance of misogyny and the stigmatization of the woman’s organ. Cultural stigmas have existed across the world that have perpetuated ideas of menstruation as ‘impure’ and ‘dirty,’ which is why so frequently women are taught not to talk about their menstrual cycles in public and to be discreet about the process entirely.
This teaches women that their body is inherently something to be ashamed of. For an article that introduces some of the origins of these biases, I recommend reading: https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/context-and-variation/menstruation-blood-and-tissue/
Still, your partner really should be a bit more careful about how she sterilizes her menstrual cup, not just for the sake of your kitchen supplies and their cleanliness, but also for her health, since using a menstrual cup that has not been properly sterilized can result in a number of infections within her area, just like other unhygienic practices, such as not regularly changing clothes.
The menstrual cup should be boiled (as in sitting in boiling water) for at least 5 minutes. I usually boil my menstrual cup for somewhere between 10 and 20 minutes at the beginning and end of my cycle.
If she is using a kettle, then the cup is not being actually boiled for more than a few seconds and would not actually be enough to sterilize it.
In addition, the menstrual cups that I have purchased all came with a little bag to store the cup in between cycles.
Though not perfectly sterile, this is a good place to keep it to avoid the silicon from getting exposed to more dirt than necessary between cycles. I always take my cup out of the water immediately after boiling it and either prepare it to be used or put it away.
Leaving it in still water just encourages bacteria growth, and could honestly be more detrimental to your partner’s health.
TLDR; your partner shouldn’t use your kitchen items to sterilize her cup without checking in with you first, and she also is not sterilizing it properly, but being grossed out by having menstrual products interact with kitchen products just perpetuates stigma around her c***h and is inherently discriminatory and misogynistic, especially when this practice will not actually affect the condition of your kitchen supplies.” happy_sisyphus666
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Like what, y’all think she just pops this thing out of her c***h and dumps it in a kettle? I can guarantee you that this cup is getting a thorough rinse before it’s even out of the bathroom.
So, boiling water, such as in a kettle, kills everything. EVERYTHING. Whatever tiny trace of red b***d cell may have been in there is dead and obliterated. Of course, any bacteria that may have been a concern are long gone.
What exactly should she boil it in? A pressure cooker devoted solely to her menses?
If we already agree that boiling water kills anything that may possibly be there (if we don’t, you ought to do a little research on that topic), then what good is a dishwasher going to change?
And as a reminder to everybody, if this girl is still around 2 years later, he has definitely had his tongue in, on, and around her c***h at some point or another. You’re getting a lot more transfer of literally anything from that than a rinsed, boiled, silicon cylinder.
Jesus Christ, we love sleeping with women up to about their body functions” Meddi_YYC
11. AITJ For Firing My Sister-In-Law?
“I started a business in Jan 2018 & hired my SIL as an independent contractor. We provide flat-rate admin support for local realtors. I acquire 100% of all client relationships & divide them among the team to work with.
In May 2018, I receive a complaint from a client about SIL’s attitude. I pull SIL aside to have a private discussion about it, coach her, & express that it should not happen again.
Aug. 2018, 2nd complaint on her attitude/tone of voice. Again I pull her aside to coach, say this is inappropriate, etc.
Nov. 2018, another client has major issues with SIL & received complaints from her own vendors & clients.
Losing this client cost me ~$20k in revenue. The final warning is issued to SIL.
Dec 2018, I plan a team retreat to celebrate our 1st year. The plan is to rent a mountain cabin for a long weekend, work on business goals, then invite partners & party for the rest of the trip.
SIL is poly & her primary is married to someone else. Partner was not willing to drive 2hrs to see SIL for a partial weekend.
First SIL asks if her partner AND his wife can come up for the WHOLE weekend, & they 3 take the king-sized bed. This is a company paid event & we’re there to build team culture first. 1 partner per person, & as a company owner, I was planning to take the master’s.
Sorry, not sorry.
SIL went off on a text rampage saying I was not being fair & that I was doing this intentionally because I don’t approve of her poly lifestyle. She called me her ‘coworker,’ said I never tried to help or coach her, & threatened her job.
I finally very gently let her go via email so I would have written documentation. I listed 5 reasons why I was letting her go, closing with ‘I will always love you, you will always be my SIL, but our working relationship ends now.’
She responded with ‘I want no contact’ & blocked me across all social media.
The next day I received a very short apology email saying she was sorry for wanting no contact & that the ball is now in MY court to fix our relationship.
Before I could decide how to respond, I got calls from my clients, asking if SIL had my blessing for her ‘new venture’. She decided to start her own business doing the exact same thing & was soliciting every client I provided. I did not have her sign a non-solicit, so I had no legal grounds.
It felt like her apology was completely insincere given her actions, so I never responded to her email. She closed up shop on her business 60 days later & we have not spoken.
Fast forward to now.
Husband & I decided not to see family for Xmas because of the weirdness with SIL. The last time I was around her, she acted as though I didn’t exist while exuding this icy vibe the whole extended family could feel.
It was very uncomfortable.
Now the whole family is upset because we said we didn’t want to visit until things changed with SIL. SIL blew up again saying the ball has been in my court since day 1 & I ended our relationship.
AITJ for firing and not responding to her apology email?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks share – her much more than you. She for obvious reasons, but firing anyone by email is awful, let alone a relative.
A one-on-one conversation that this wasn’t working out (accompanied with a letter for documentation) would be a lot more dignified. She may have still reacted the same way, who knows, but you would’ve had the moral high ground.” Jenh66
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- Your SIL was and is petty, wanting to be the victim. She sounds like she was a tough employee and it’s your right to fire ANYONE who is not meeting company standards.
Sorry for the drama she’s caused in your family’s lives.” Hayley_hayys
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Clearly, your SIL sucks for damaging your firm’s reputation.
You suck for hiring her as an independent contractor when she was really an employee.
If you’re doing that with any of your other staff, you are really messing up and putting your own business at risk. If you maintain the client relationships and assign the work – they are employees.
Also, mixing your personal and professional relationship in a termination email is a big no-no.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she deserved to be fired. You gave her ample opportunities and she wastes them.
Then she went behind your back to try and steal your clients. Nope. Done. She doesn’t deserve anything from you. She’s the one who should apologize to you for her behavior.” ScoobyFan70
People can argue about how "rude" it is to fire her via email, but based on her attitude, I wouldn't want to talk to her in person either, because I have a feeling it would be an absolute scream fest.
10. WIBTJ If I Miss My Partner's Funeral For My Best Friend's Wedding?
“So my best friend since childhood is getting married on Saturday. The wedding will be in our hometown, about 4.5 hours from where I currently live.
I have tomorrow off and was planning on leaving early in the morning with my partner of 2 years to be home for the rehearsal dinner. I am the best man.
My partner’s father had a sudden heart attack on Tuesday and unfortunately passed away early yesterday morning.
I was upset because I had become somewhat close with him. My partner is obviously devastated. I have barely slept the last 2 days, doing my best to be there for her. My boss luckily allowed me to take the rest of the week off to be with her and her family.
Here is the issue: her mother just came back from the funeral home and let us know that the funeral will take place on Saturday (showing from 1 to 5, services and burial directly afterward).
I went pale as soon as I heard this and started sweating. I had almost forgotten about the wedding but this sparked my memory.
I turned to my partner and said ‘that’s the day of my best friend’s wedding.’ She immediately started crying harder than I’d ever seen her.
She could barely talk, and her mother and sister started asking if I was really going to leave and go to the wedding. I kinda went blank and didn’t know how to answer.
My partner finally was able to get out a ‘please don’t leave me.’ before she started crying again. I just sat there for a few minutes before getting up to use the restroom (where I currently am).
This wedding has been in the works for nearly 2 years and is something I have been looking forward to. I really feel like I will be the jerk if I go but I wanted another outside opinion.
EDIT:
So I was just basically kicked out of her house. We were sitting in the living room and her mom asked again what I would be doing Saturday. I made a decision and said, ‘I’ll come to the funeral.’ Apparently, she didn’t like the way I replied and said ‘Wow don’t sound too excited,’ very sarcastically.
I replied, ‘I didn’t think this is really something I should sound excited about.’ She said that it was obvious I want to go to the wedding. My partner started balling again and I tried to calm her down.
I stood up and grabbed my phone, saying I was stepping outside to call my best friend to let him know I wouldn’t make it.
Before I even made it out of the room.
Partner yelled and said how can I even think about that right now. I tried to explain that I had to let him know so he could adjust plans, and she said ‘Just go.
We all know you want to.’ I couldn’t even reply and tried to sit back down but she told me to leave so I did.
I am really trying to give them the benefit of the doubt because she is an emotional wreck but I’m not sure where to even go from here.
I’m sitting in a McDonald’s parking lot typing this.
UPDATE:
I am currently home. I tried calling her a few times and she didn’t answer. I went and knocked on her door and they didn’t answer but I know they are there.
I’m going to give her a bit and call again. I texted her letting her know that I am committed to being there for her at the funeral. I’m going to call my friend when he gets off at 7 and let him know that I will not be able to make the wedding.
The fact that I was going to celebrate the best day of my best friend’s life has been something I’ve thought about every day since he asked me to be his best man a year ago.
I’ve lost weight to look good in pictures and spent hours making sure the speech is perfect. I love him like a brother and it is going to be hard for me not to be there Saturday.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – this is a communication issue.
You are a direct communicator. You are directly saying what you mean at the time. Your girl and her mother are Passive Communicators.
They are saying things like ‘go, we know you want to’ to bait you into a response. They think by saying that, they are telling you to state your exact, sincere feelings on the spot.
But you don’t get that from it because you are a direct communicator.
You hear ‘I need you to be here, tell me you’ll be here’ but Passive Communicators also look at everything about you.
Your face, your body language, your intonation, and every hesitation you make when you’re talking. Your girl has probably studied you and can read your emotions and your words without meaning to.
Because you were hesitating, she picked up on that, and so did her mother.
This is a learned communication style passed down between families. It usually marks dysfunctional communication. I myself am a passive communicator and I’m currently learning to try to stop doing it. It’s very difficult and she probably doesn’t even know what’s happening.
When they say things like that it might be a good idea to respond with your direct feelings. ‘I am also having a really hard time right now. I need a moment to collect myself to answer your question properly.’ Or ‘I care very deeply for you and the pain that you are going through.
You are very important to me right now. Your family is also very important to me right now. I have prior obligations that I need to look into adjusting. Can we please look into all the options?
I see that you are very upset. I love you, I hear you, I support you, I am listening and I am trying to understand.’
Passive Communicators are extremely unsure of themselves.
They have a very hard time making decisions. They truly want to do whatever makes you the happiest. it’s a learned behavior and a coping mechanism that can come from emotional damage or neglect from childhood.
Even having a parent with depression can cause this. I promise it’s not something that she is trying to do but read about passive communication quickly as you can before you go back to her and her mom.
Please be as patient as you possibly can and explain that you support her. That is what she is looking for. As soon as she knows that you support her she might begin to calm down out of her panic attack to look at other options.” bewitchedbats
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and frankly your girl and her family are being really unfair and selfish in the way they are treating you. You are the best man, you have a long-standing and very significant obligation in an event that is as important to your best friend as the funeral is to your partner, and you have no actual role in the funeral other than to try to be consoling, which honestly will make no difference whatsoever because her father just died and nothing you can do can make that better.
Even worse, based on your update, now you’re a contemptible person no matter what you do. They all will treat you like a jerk even if you make a huge sacrifice and screw over your best friend to be at the funeral.
Doesn’t at all sound like your actions will be appreciated. I think you’re screwed, but based on the utter lack of empathy or even basic respect you’re getting from your girl and her family, your relationship sounds like it will be in deep jeopardy if you do not go to the funeral. That’s not fair, and it doesn’t make you the jerk if you decide to go to the wedding anyway.
You’d merely be a man deciding to honor his commitments and obligations and not to break promises. Nothing wrong with that.” mc_md
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, at least not after how they responded.
I would agree, that before you should have talked to your friend, most people are understanding in that kind of situation, and he would likely be able to see you’d need to be there for your girl.
But the way she responded, while sure she’s grieving and has a lot of emotion to deal with, it’s not okay for her to act like that when you’re offering support. You need to really consider if a relationship where someone responds like that in a crisis is worth it, and then talk to her.
Tell her you’re still willing to support her, but if she really means what she said (probably wait a bit before you ask her, give her time to breathe a bit and think about what just happened), you should not go to the funeral.
And I’m sorry, but who gets annoyed over someone not using an enthusiastic tone, to announce that they’re going to a funeral? Of course, it’s obvious you want to go to the wedding, it’s your best friend.
That should make it even more meaningful that you’re choosing to stay and support your girl.” punxeh
9. AITJ For Not Saving My Husband's Seat At The Airport?
“My husband, daughter, and I were waiting for our flight. It was very crowded but we were able to find 3 seats together, my daughter in the middle.
My husband went to buy a snack and didn’t leave anything on his seat to indicate it was taken. So, a woman plopped down with all her luggage, and I didn’t say anything.
I figured that it was our mistake that we left the seat open and considered it lost. Plus, our plane was already boarding, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I was very wrong.
My husband came back, fuming mad that I didn’t save his seat. I offered him mine, but he wouldn’t take it. The other woman overheard and moved, and he sat down. 30 seconds later our zone was called.
When I tried to explain my reasoning, he just kept pushing that it is common courtesy to save seats for each other and I should admit I was just too shy to say anything.
I am very shy, so maybe that is clouding my perception. I don’t think the situation warranted the lectures and anger directed towards me, though. AITJ? Update: Ok, I totally see how I was the ah, as well.
I thought it should have been a non-issue at first, bc I was willing to stand or put my kid in my lap. If I didn’t want to bother the other woman, I should have done that before he came back to avoid awkwardness for everyone.
I do appreciate the comments. This was the first time we had an argument in public, so I was really upset when I posted this and couldn’t really think it through.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your plane was boarding and you offered your seat. It’s not the end of the world to have to stand for a minute or two or take a seat on the ground if the kiddo is also big (or make the kid sit on the floor).
I wouldn’t have saved the seat either if our rows were being called imminently. It would be a jerk move to tell some woman she couldn’t sit there, have your SO sit for thirty seconds and then all of you get up and line up.” shenaystays
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It would’ve been very easy to plop something in that seat after he got up, I do this for my partner all the time when we travel together.
You also could’ve said to the woman ‘oh I’m sorry, my husband was sitting there and he’s coming right back,’ and she probably would’ve said ‘oh, sorry’ and gotten up, or she might have insisted there was nothing in the seat so it wasn’t really saved, and you could’ve dropped it at that point.
Unless she looked like she really needed to sit down, then you let her have it. But your husband also massively overreacted, I get being irritated but considering the context, that you were about to board, fuming over it was probably a product of travel stress, especially if you’re traveling with a child.” VisualCelery
Another User Comments:
“All I can say is that if I was the one dragging my tired butt through an airport with all my bags and I plop down in a seat and someone tells me that I can’t sit there; they’d probably better have a good reason or else we’ll see about that.
Examples include People traveling with someone extremely old or extremely young, people traveling with a handicapped, or mentally challenged individual, or with an actual service dog. A group of nuns, a group of hippies, gangsters, the Vice-president of Canada, because it’s the first-class lounge, wet paint, bees, and that’s about it.
Perhaps if your daughter is young enough to be considered extremely young for air travel, you probably could’ve asked for the seat to be clear and whoever this was would’ve moved; even an old jerk like me.
The fact that you didn’t doesn’t make you the jerk, even if your child is under 5 years. Your husband totally overreacted and even more so if your child was over 5 at the time.
Next time; just explain to whoever decided to sit that; ‘this was my (your) husband’s seat and last time I let some sit in his seat, he got mad at me. I don’t care but it’s a big deal to him.’
I’d move if you asked like that. Some lady has a man who acts like a jerk and she doesn’t want to hear him ranting. If you put it that way, I’d move as a favor to some lady who doesn’t feel like dealing with a jerk.
I could be a jerk about it and so could he; but if there’s an innocent party involved (or two considering your daughter) and I could just step out and we all avoid the whole thing if I don’t act like a witch, I’d do it.
You should just blame him next time before he comes back around. I get it. Move your feet and lose your seat, but not to him. I’d move if you put it like that.” JimboJones058
8. AITJ For Calling My Wife "Insane" For Ruining My Daughter's Evening?
“My (39M) wife (32F)… she can be a bit of a control freak. Very few times she would playfully ‘confiscate’ my controller so I can go to sleep with her (I’m kinda cool with it, not much of a gamer anyway).
In short, she’s the ‘out of my way/ take charge/my house my rules’ type of lady.
So yesterday, my daughter (15F) had some friends over at our house to enjoy Friday night.
She got both of our consent beforehand and she was super excited about it since it was their first time coming over. So they came over and were having fun, I was cooking a special dinner for everyone and my wife was in our room.
She must’ve been checking our daughter’s student log for the end of the term, because she found out somehow that my daughter missed out on homework and lied to her about it saying that she did it despite coming home at 4 pm, claiming the bus ride home ‘took too long’.
She had detention instead.
My wife was furious and immediately dismissed her friends out of the house and scolded loudly at my daughter for lying to her and not doing her homework, and took her phone for the weekend.
My daughter was obviously upset and embarrassed, but didn’t say anything and just went to her room.
When she passed by the kitchen, I asked her why she has done this and she told me what happened. I explained in a polite and understanding manner that there’s a time and place for punishment and she definitely picked the wrong time to do that.
She then said in a little harsh tone ‘I’m not tolerating my daughter celebrating the evening with her friends when she blatantly lied to me’, and I agreed that our daughter was wrong, but she didn’t make things any better by dismissing her friends so suddenly and upsetting her like that.
She went into ‘my house-my rules’ mode and started getting angry at me too for not realizing her point and how such behavior is not tolerated in our house and how she has the right to do anything it takes to punish it.
I thought she was being WAY too overdramatic and I simply replied ‘wow, you’re insane.’ She exploded at me and claimed that I’m siding with our daughter despite being clearly in the wrong.
She just left me after that and gave me the cold shoulder since.
Was I wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You should be pretty upset that your daughter is keeping something as big as detention under the radar, is she willing to hide something like that which is easy to find out, what other stuff is she trying to get away with?
She doesn’t deserve to have a party with friends after that. The immediate grounding is justified.
Your wife shouldn’t be exploding on everyone. She should have FIRST come to you with the information and gotten some kind of consent from you.
Parenting is a team effort, fathers’ opinions and roles matter. Then she should have gone upstairs and told the girls calmly to please call their parents and leave (assuming they were dropped off or w/e).
Once they’d gone then address your daughter however you’d previously agreed. So she can be reprimanded but won’t have to deal with the social fallout that is inherent in high school drama.
And your daughter does too for the obvious reasons of trying to full a fast one on her parents. Of course, I could just have written ‘teenagers’ instead of ‘your daughter’ cause that’s kind of part of being a teen I think… was for me anyway.
IWTJ (I was that jerk)” category_username
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but there is a lot of info missing. Just from the story, we see a lot of people behaving badly.
We have a kid being protected from the consequences of lying and deceiving. We have an over-the-top angry parental response made unilaterally without coordination with the co-parent. We have a hands-off Dad who has set this situation up and then picks when to get engaged and whose only contribution is name-calling.
Everyone sucks here in all cases with the mom going too far she’s a jerk at that moment. What is the truth here?
There are clues in the story. Also so many questions.
Where’s the girl’s mom? What’s the custody situation. How long have they been together this way with this power dynamic? Is this the 100th time respect has been flaunted by the daughter?
Is this a bully authoritarian that is always abusing this way? Or was this the 100th ‘last straw’? Was this the nuclear option finally taken by stepmom out of years of sheer frustration?
Do they have kids of their own?
A couple of points: stepparents are people that choose to love another’s children as their own. For those that have posted about step-parents backing off, well let’s just gently say that you’re misinformed. Being a parent is hard, being a step-parent is the next level.
Full disclosure, I am the biological parent of two women (20, 22) and a step-dad to three kids (M22, F19x2 twins). My kids and step-kids all have other step-parents. Some of my step-kids have other biological parents.
Yeah, complicated and provides me with perspective on this. Bottom line, step-parents are afforded the responsibilities and roles by the parent AND by the children. Every family power dynamic is different. But to those that posted about stepmom being non-biological, maybe you should speak to parents of blended families and reform your opinions.
Anyway, reading between the lines, Dad is permissive and wants to be a fun dad. He has deferred parenting duties to his wife. He speaks like he has no say in how it’s her house.
He is permissive with his daughter and with his wife. He is non-confrontational and perhaps has gravitated to strong women to run his life. He’s a grown man and his wife/mom takes his toys gently away to remind him it’s mighty nighttime.
He has abdicated his role. He is not interested in his daughter’s marks, his wife is doing the day-to-day management of that. Either he has passively created this environment through co-dependent enabling or he has had that conversation with his wife outwardly where she is allowed to call these shots.
Even if this has been a back-slide, he has allowed this to happen. Note that he doesn’t share all the other times that she went nuts. He has asked a younger woman to co-parent and then has backed off to let her run things while he is fun-dad.
Or he is a typical permissive parent, agreeing to hold to a plan or hold a line and then caving at the first sign of conflict. Keeping everyone happy and maintaining low conflict is his goal. Dad’s a jerk because he’s let this get this far and wants this to be about his wife.
This is his fault at most levels.
StepMom is made out to speak like an authoritarian but she is also clear about her rules. He doesn’t say that she is nuts until this.
Her rules in evidence are don’t lie to me (eg respect) and do what you say (homework). He’s not describing her nutty and capricious whims. She talks about rules a lot so it seems more like she’s an authoritative parent with reasonable rules.
He prefaces his story about her being reasonable. We don’t know why the sudden flip out. Again how well communicated are these expectations?
One thing, it’s really rare to see a step-parent 100% in control this way.
This is really unusual. It feels like she’s been on her own a lot in this and has had to ‘co’-parent her stepdaughter. No one sane would check grades etc then unilaterally discipline a step-kid this way unless they had learned that they were 100% in charge of this.
Or they were fed up. It’s a crazy move. She’s a jerk for making a scene. She’s a jerk for not getting dads to buy in first on the plan.
Shutting the party down is reasonable. Make an excuse to save face – family emergency (it is one). Then have them blow up sessions and punishment with unified parents. Keep the punishment in line with the crime and reference the number of repeat offenses.
It respects the daughter’s reputation and feelings and shows her you care about her/this while also showing her that lying won’t be rewarded. Stepmoms is a jerk for going nuclear without backup.
That said, it is incredibly frustrating to be constantly undermined by a co-parent when the chips are down. Was this an isolated incident or a 5-year build-up of tension and frustration finally coming out?
Either way jerk move.
Daughter? Jerk. Nothing major here but we are getting one side. Permissive parents that coddle and enable are efficient at creating world-class narcissists. Is dad telling the whole story?
I suspect this is just one big battle in a long campaign. My recommendation is to go to counseling together. Those worried about alienating the daughter, also worry about alienating the wife. If they are otherwise happy, they will spend a lot of time together once their daughter is long gone.
The daughter will come back if permissive dad is the doormat I think he is. In these situations, you can create people that you need to send out into the world so the cycle of co-dependency can be broken.
She’ll come back better, or not. Either way, she’s 15 and she will have learned a lot of ‘lessons’ in a dysfunctional home that is tough to unlearn; especially in the same family setting.
Don’t worry, that bond is tough to break, but the one with his wife is the one that might not survive their journey parenting ‘together’ in this way.” rightsaidbrad
Another User Comments
“Uh, gentle ‘everyone sucks here.’ Specifics of punishment are a thing that reasonable people can disagree on. (I’m on your side… but I do recognize it’s aside and taking the other side doesn’t automatically make someone a jerk.) Her talking like you don’t get a say in how YOUR (both of you) daughter is disciplined is messed up.
And, also, if you are considering your daughter to be both of your’s daughters, well, you don’t get to make unilateral decisions about her discipline either. Calling your wife insane is also not good (it’s an expression of contempt, which is the relationship-killer) — ‘let’s come back to this later’ is better.
I hope you two are able to patch things up when you calm down.
I don’t think your wife is completely out of the left field for canceling a hang-out when she found out the daughter lied about getting detention.
That’s a big deal. And, she shouldn’t have acted unilaterally. And, also sometimes people do that at the moment, you gotta talk it out. However, if she doesn’t come around to at least understanding where you’re coming from after she’s had a chance to cool off, or if there’s a pattern where she keeps making judgments that you consider excessive without your input, then you’ve got a problem.
In particular, if your wife would have acted in a way that you think is over the top of your daughter had come clean about her detention, well, maybe your daughter’s dishonesty is more about your wife’s behavior than your daughter’s.
And… I’ll bet anything that she’d say she has to be tough on your daughter because (she thinks) you’re too lenient and have been letting her walk all over you. This is… not the sort of thing that outsiders can really accurately weigh in on.
And… some of this is red-flag-y so maybe also run over a list of abusive traits to see if it’s part of a wider pattern. If it is, then it’s not a talk-it-out thing.
EDIT: ok dude if you generally leave discipline to your wife on purpose? Then you’ve got much less of a leg to stand on here. You can still disagree with her and she should take you seriously, but you need to come into this situation with a lot more humility because you’re not the one who’s doing the work here.
Generally, if you don’t like the way your partner does something and you criticize it a lot, your partner is going to come back with ‘fine, you do the work then.’ If you don’t like the way she handles discipline this is at least as much your fault for handing the authority over to her.
You said yourself that this isn’t out of character for her. Take responsibility for your own decisions already.” socialjusticecleric7
I personally think Mom went overboard, and took action, without going to her husband and talking it over with him, and go from there. Parenting is teamwork. No wonder he asked her after the explosion was done, because he probably had NO idea what happened, until AFTER she told him, when all was said and done. (Sadly this happens in our household....my hubs will go nuts over the kids and I am left out until all is said and done. Fights ensue between us, because I had no idea what was going on (extra sidenote, I am deaf, they are not), and I hate being left out. I always tell him, before you make any decisions, come and talk to me, we both work together, and agree together. Still a huge work in progress).......
7. AITJ For Experiencing New Things Without My Husband?
“We’ve been married almost 30 yrs. In the past 5 or so years, he stopped being interested in going out (locally) or taking vacations. The only bills we have are utilities and insurance. Our house and cars are paid for so money isn’t the issue.
Some background on him. He grew up poor so going out to eat and taking vacations didn’t exist in his childhood. He didn’t experience these until he moved to my home state.
We used to go out all the time on cheap dates ($50 or less) and cheap vacations (always off-season).
Then 5 or so years ago, he stopped wanting to do anything but work. Whenever I ask why he always says we need to save because we need a new car. This makes no sense because we’ve scrimped and saved enough that we can buy a new car with cash.
I asked if he was depressed about something and he said that he just don’t want to go out/on vacation.
Because of this, I’ve been going out on my own. I go to the movies by myself.
I go out to eat by myself. For my next birthday, I’ve been saving for a trip to Switzerland and I told him that I would love him to go with me. His excuse for turning me down was ‘I was stationed in Europe and I told myself that when I got home, I would never leave the country again.’ I understand this to a degree.
When I told him it was ok if he didn’t want I’d just go by myself, he got annoyed. He said that I was selfish for wanting to spend that much on a trip.
That being said, AITJ for going by myself to experience new/different things?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think something must be going on with your husband, mentally. Maybe you could book an appointment with a financial planner to go over all your accounts/bills/future so your husband can see that you two aren’t going to be broke in 10 years.
If that doesn’t change his tune, maybe then book an appointment with a t**************e counselor. They might be able to get to the bottom of why he changed 5 years ago. I don’t think he’s a jerk, and neither are you.
But he shouldn’t expect that you would be happy just sitting at home all the time and taking a vacation is a normal thing to do.” singmelullabies1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s invited and has declined. Go out and see the world.
Judging from how long you’ve been married, I would say this is pretty common in men of that age in my area. It’s like men get their adventure in when they are young and women don’t get to do that until we are older.” Cucoloris
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It doesn’t seem like he’s upset you’re doing things on your own. I hope you find a friend you can travel with – to me, that sounds more fun than going alone.
I don’t understand your husband’s reluctance or refusal to do things you’re interested in. I’m not sure I could deal with someone who wasn’t willing to meet me halfway.” PennyPopPop
6. AITJ For Scheduling A Vasectomy?
“So I scheduled a vasectomy yesterday and told my wife who proceeded to freak out with tears and slamming doors etc. Now rewind over ten yrs where my then new wife and I agreed on having 4 kids and that it would benefit the kids if she stayed home during their pre-k years.
We now have 3 kids with almost 10 years between the end kids. My wife has been pregnant 8 times, miscarried a few times and we lost one in utero. All three of my kids were born causing major health complications for my wife, and one of my kids was born with a heart condition.
So after my 3rd child was born a few years ago, I let it be known that I was dunzo. I was stressed to the max. I ended up doing a lot of things I didn’t want to do including joining the military at one point after I got laid off from my job in order to provide for my family.
She hasn’t had to work an outside job for ten years and has been working part-time the last year after me essentially begging for help. Ironically enough, I finally find myself in a great career and started receiving a livable wage recently.
So I’ve brought up the desire to get snipped twice over the past year. I’ve gotten the response that she doesn’t feel the same way and that she wouldn’t mind having another. I’ve tried to give her time to accept that we’re done having kids, but it seems like the subject is never thought about again after I bring it up.
Fast forward to the other day when I come home and see a pregnancy test on the counter. Luckily, it wasn’t hers. (I know because she just had her period). However, I did freak out in my mind anyway.
So yesterday, I schedule an appointment for the procedure. In my heart of hearts, I did not want to tell her, because I was so dreading the fight that was coming, but I did anyway because I felt that was the right thing to do.
And boy is she annoyed. She says I’m taking the choice away from her, which I am, but I feel it’s more my choice to make than hers. Just like if she had decided to get her tubes tied, there is really no discussion on the matter.
She thinks I’m being insensitive and that I don’t try to understand how she feels. I was able to then correctly relate that I know she is sad about the young motherhood phase of her life is over and furthermore how she is sad about the baby she lost.
None of this seemed to help. I’m now upset because I feel like I’m the one who is supposed to be supported at this time. I worked my butt off doing stuff I never planned on and have no retirement saved in order to take care of my responsibilities.
I don’t regret it, but I definitely would try to plan better if I could do it over. My last kid will be going to school this year and I’m ready for her to get a full-time job to try to catch us up to where we should be financially.
I’m ready for the next stage.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You said so yourself you’re only just able to afford a livable wage, it wouldn’t be fair to your current 3 kids to add another mouth, set of clothes, schooling, and a whole slew of possible unexpected medical emergencies.
Maybe instead of phrasing it as ‘I don’t want another kid’ you can phrase it as you can’t comfortably afford another kid. Sit down and start planning your current 3 kids’ college funds, after-school activities, retirement funds for both of you, and what your life will look like when the kids are out of the house.
She’s living in the now and needs to start seeing the future you all have together. Miscarriages aren’t easy on the body so maybe set aside some funds for mom to have a spa day and not feel so ‘mom’ tired.” ElectronicDrumsGirl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not taking her choice away from her, it’s not her choice whether or not YOU have more kids. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean she’s entitled to more kids from you.
She still has the ability to have kids, you are just unwilling to provide your own swimmers. This has nothing to do with her choice. You shouldn’t choose to have kids unless BOTH parents are 100% on board with it, and clearly, you’ve decided you don’t want more kids.
If she’s angry it’s because she thought that you would change your mind (or rather that SHE could change your mind). You need to make it clear that vasectomy or no vasectomy, is never going to happen.” niv727
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, yes you are free to choose what to do with your body, but I do feel like your not considering your wife’s feelings. Did she have a miscarriage after your preschooler?
Because for the good majority of people the only way to heal from a miscarriage is to have another baby. I say this as someone who had a second-trimester miscarriage and I am waiting for my partner to want to try again at this point he’s saying a couple of years and that is hard, so hard for me to wait and he’s not even saying no to children just not yet but children are a 2 yes 1 no kind of thing.
It would be hard for me to forgive him for not letting me have a chance to have another baby. I suggest having couples counseling before you get it done, this is the kind of thing that could breed resentment and change your relationship forever.
Is it possible for her to get an IUD for a couple of years and say we will get it X amount of time before making a permanent decision, even if you still stand by your decision it will give her time to process it?” smashedblueberrie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, You have told her and told her, you want to get the snip, and it isn’t a permanent thing, you can get it reversed if you change your mind.
Judging from the story, not only have you had to work your butt off to keep the family afloat, and want her to start contributing to taking the edge off for a while, but it sounds like you are also worried that the next kid might actually kill her, you said the last 3 gave her complications, and you don’t want to roll that dice anymore.
As you said she is upset because you want to take away the chance for her to have another kid, while she is completely ignoring some pretty hard facts, you don’t want to end up working on your own and busting your butt doing jobs you hate for another few years, you don’t want to risk either the heartbreak of losing another child, or the struggle of another kid with health issues, or worst case, you end up being a single father because her body can’t take it.
Sure, at the beginning kids sounded fine, all planned out, so no problem, then you got laid off, then she started having issues with pregnancy, then her not having a full-time job for so long started to affect finances.
Talk it over with her, really sit her down, explain your reasonings hard, and, while this sounds unfair, ask her, to answer truthfully, and probably in a better way than I suggest, can she give you a reason she wants another kid except ‘because she wants another kid’?” Drakeskulled_Reaper
5. AITJ For Leaving My Own Meetings If People Can't Control Their Tempers?
“I work at an engineering company, on a software team, it’s pretty old school and all of my coworkers are older men with families.
I’m 22, a woman, an out lesbian, don’t know the first thing about kids, and single, so I don’t exactly fit in. It kind of sucks, I’m interviewing for other jobs currently, and my plan is to leave as soon as my 401k is vested.
A lot of my coworkers can get pretty heated about things, they are really opinionated about engineering decisions and their conversations get… Intense. Like raised voices, even yelling about disagreements. I know two of my coworkers pride themselves on getting new employees to cry during code reviews… yikes.
No wonder the company can’t retain anyone but the lifers.
Anyway, it really sucks when I call a design review or code review for something I’ve done, and a couple of guys will try and be argumentative with me.
(I don’t engage, I stay dead calm and it’s really hard to have a heated argument with someone who just sits back and chills out and waits for you to be done.)
And it really REALLY sucks when I try to hold a meeting and they get in a disagreement with each other about something I did.
Like one likes my design choices and another doesn’t. I can’t really chill the conversation out because they’ll just go at each other and derail everything. Some of my coworkers once showed up to a meeting of mine, still arguing about something from their last meeting!!
So when that stuff starts happening, I’ve gotten in the habit of unplugging my computer (which has my code or diagrams) from the projector and walking out. Then send an email from my desk along the lines of
Good afternoon,
I am rescheduling the meeting on (topic) to (date), as we were unable to finish today after the meeting (got off-topic / became uncivil and unproductive/etc). I hope that when we reconvene (we will be able to have a productive discussion/we will all be able to stay on track/and everyone will be ready to deliver feedback calmly.
OP
It’s been a lot better for me mentally; I was so done with being surrounded by that kind of childish drama and ego. It’s been really nice to just stand up and walk out.
And, sometimes a takes a few tries, but it works. When certain people on my team realize they’ll have to keep control of themselves to do anything at all; they manage to. But it’s also caused some issues, I can tell the most argumentative members of my team resent it, and it seems to make them mad I am trying to tell them to control themselves.
And it also delayed some work getting done; as there’s so much time spent waiting for people to chill and try again.
Some of my coworkers are getting really frustrated with me, to the point of trying to demand I come back and finish the meeting rather than rescheduling.
Especially if rescheduling is delaying something they need.
AITJ for my method of having more chill meetings?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for sure. And just a gentle reminder that this sub is detached from reality, especially given that your description of the situation is likely to be one-sided. Your gender, marital status, etc have nothing to with this situation, why even mention them unless you are setting yourself up as the victim?
You’re a 22-year-old newbie at a company who’s trying to run things and then playing immature games when people don’t bow to your sensitivity.
They seem to be treating you just like everybody else, and you are not adjusting to the work culture.
Are they swearing and hurling insults around while hitting on the table? I bet not. If they are acting out of line, inform HR or confront the situation instead of playing passive-aggressive games with them and avoiding interaction.
If you just don’t fit in, that’s on you to fix or get away from.
The company functioned before you came, and it’ll also function with you gone.
Passion is not a bad thing in the workplace.
Humans are not robots get used to it and learn to adjust to your environment.
You are likely extremely unpopular at this point and just slowing things down.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
The environment you describe, while unpleasant, doesn’t have any of the hallmarks of a ‘boys club.’ A group of men who aren’t behaving themselves does not necessarily become a boys club by dint of… simply having boys in it?
As you seem to imply?
Still, was going to be N-T-J until this part: ‘It’s also delayed some work getting done; as there’s so much time spent waiting for people to chill and try again.’
This environment, however chaotic and combative, was working for them/you. You may be getting your emotional needs better met by taking your toys and going home when conflict arises, but you are admitting work isn’t getting done as productively.
Your 401k and future investiture doesn’t mean that your preference for a measured, calm workplace — a preference I, admittedly, share — gets to take precedence over the company’s overall success.
Find a job in an environment you can tolerate that provides a roll-over option for your current 401k.” Lolslitxxx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You found yourself in a rather trashy unproductive situation and managed to find a way out of it that spares you the mental toll and occasionally leads the team back to the productivity path – that’s a great assertive approach.
However it might come off as passive-aggressive and since it obviously doesn’t work for the rest of the jerks who don’t like being taught new tricks they’re likely considering you the jerk for not playing by their (dumb) rules – you might be creating an enemy for yourself there (which given the circumstances seems pretty inevitable and in no way your fault) and I’m worried that you’ll be facing retaliation.
Since you said you were looking for a way out any way I’m not sure it makes much of a difference to you, just keep your guard and make sure the crap-stirring in the office doesn’t get out of hand – perhaps get the cooperative guys on your team who already got used to your method to form some sort of a support base in case things escalate.” __LiBERTiNE__
Another User Comments:
“Somewhere between ‘everyone sucks here’ and YTJ.
See the fact remains that you kind of act like a jerk. From your introduction, it appears that you have a false sense of superiority due to being a non-straight person.
Your being a gay person is not relevant at all. You treat others like they are just kids. This is not how the world works. If you doing some project will be surely some disagreements and you cannot just shut up the conversation because you are getting irritated. There will be disagreements always.
If you find that annoying then that’s your problem. But if there is no discussion, your company would be going off like a wild horse. You can not shut people because they are having a debate.
Trust me, most people don’t like getting into heated arguments but they do because they feel that there is something important to say and another party is not listening to them. Now from what I can understand from your way of writing, you have absolute disregard for any sort of discussion.
You get annoyed quickly when people disagree. And this is a very crappy thing to do. As long as the arguments and disagreements are civil you should encourage them. Get out of aviation ASAP if you can’t listen to other people.
People don’t want more faulty Boeings risking lives.
But if your coworkers are really stupid arrogant Idiots who keep on acting like 2-year-olds, then ‘everyone sucks here’. You cannot just storm off a meeting they also do not have a right to get violent.
They can not hinder the progress of the company and stall important decisions. But it appears very unlikely that they are grown up enough to have jobs, and that too in aviation, and cannot even participate in constructive debates.
And even if we consider that possibility, everyone sucks here.
HR has some purpose man!” User
4. AITJ For Storming Out On My Last Day?
“So yesterday was my last day at work and I was just finishing up my final project. We decided to have a little team lunch and the moment I stepped foot out of the door I received a notification that my email address’s password was changed. No heads-up, no nothing.
My manager was working from home and knew we were just going out, so he changed it the moment we walked out.
This already made me a bit angry, because I was expected to finish a project and without access to my Google Drive, I wasn’t able to download the assets and designs.
Also, I did not see any need to change the password for my email address as they could have just deleted or deactivated the inbox.
Moving on, we came back to the office, and whilst in the middle of a Slack chat, I got kicked out.
Once again, no heads up. My password was changed. I wanted to download some images from Slack before I left and luckily I added email forwarding beforehand (as otherwise, I would not have been able to get my payslip).
Anyway, because of the forwarding, I managed to reset the email and password, added two-factor authentication, disabled all devices, and then downloaded a couple of images and deactivated the account. My manager then went into the admin panel, reactivated the account, disabled two-factor authentication on all platforms, changed my email address and then the password, reenabled two-factor authentication, and remained logged into my account for a few hours.
This made me absolutely fuming. I am fully aware that he is the owner of all things, but firstly why is no heads-up? Secondly, why not just delete the accounts like a professional – instead of logging into everything and remaining logged in?
Also, why do this when I’m still supposed to be working and I need the access. Anyway, I could not deal with it anymore and asked a colleague to message my manager to ask him to just delete the account instead of going through all my messages.
I received no response and he remained visibly online. I was asked to continue working on the project whilst he messaged in the slack that I could keep on pretending to work as I still had access to the project.
That’s where I had enough and walked out. I feel that whilst he may own it, I should have a little more privacy and respect than I had today. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if this is an official business email account. As far as where I live, the business can look at your official business-owned accounts for whatever reason they want. They paid for it and the employee should only use it for business purposes.
Resetting the password and activating TFA is also not cool. Again if they purchased it then they are letting you use it to further their business strategy. Also, what would be the difference between resetting your account and deactivating your account?
Either way, you wouldn’t have access to it.
Plus it is your last day. The business has to understand that you will not be able to finish the project in time. It is now their responsibility to make sure it gets finished.
Finally, You fulfilled your obligations and are not beholden to them. Have fun with the days in between the start of your new job. Hang out with your buddies, read some interesting books, or do whatever you find joy doing.
If you are like me you don’t get many days where you can do things for yourself. No need to stress.” euclid0472
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A manager who’s messing with your access to work stuff while not actually giving you a heads up is probably showing you who’s boss.
Several times a day.
The notion of directing an employee to ‘pretend to work’, along with the ‘I am always watching you’ behavior makes me think that the boss is an insecure autocrat.
This whole thing could have been avoided by the manager not doing the ‘I am watching, but you mustn’t speak to me’ thing. A heads-up would have fostered the notion that you’re all professionals and your manager is managing, whereas the way he went about the access protections fosters the notion that you must be made to feel that the manager is like a god or you won’t behave yourself.
Knowing how to treat people to whom you delegate tasks is a skill that OP’s boss might need to learn. Being autocratic tends to lead to an exhausted manager who’s constantly in damage control and ends up thinking like Colonel Cathcart in Catch-22 – he could only think in terms of ‘will this be a feather in my cap or a black eye for me?’ instead of ‘how do I get my people to give their utmost, all the time?’ Bosses who are into ott surveillance and control tactics tend to be woeful at recognizing, let alone responding to, real problems. Their staff feel isolated and ignored but always watched at the same time, and that’s a good way to foster trashy morale and toxic workplaces.
Even if things go ok for a while, it goes down pretty quick when management gets to take things the way OP’s manager seems to be, and the staff starts to feel uneasy.” Socialminefield
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you should not have walked out because you have ruined them at reference. And you should know better than to be using work email for personal use and if you did you should have deleted all personal stuff from it before you even gave notice.
Waiting until your last few hours was dumb. If they delete your access to completing a project then you notify your supervisor that you can’t complete the project unless they restore your access.
They can either restore your access or you do not finish the project and instead, you just sit there and wait down the clock until whatever time you are scheduled to leave.
Your boss should have also handled the situation differently.” iluvcats17
3. WIBTJ If I Tell My Partner Not To Shower In My Apartment?
“My partner takes extremely long showers, I am talking a minimum of 30 minutes here often it is at least 45 minutes and it can be even longer.
I have no clue why she takes showers this long as a long shower for me would be 20 minutes, but I usually take between 5 and 10 minutes.
Now given she is here very often, I am talking at a minimum 2 days a week but usually 4 days a week and other times even throughout the week, it is of course logical she takes showers and such, right?
Well that’s where my issue is, she has a similar schedule to me and as a result, she occupies the bathroom in the mornings when I need to get to class resulting in me either having to skip my morning shower or wake up way earlier to get to the bathroom first, similar issues occur when I have to go to work, have to use the bathroom, etc, add to that the fact that my water bill will probably be astronomical as having her in the apartment for 4 days a week pretty much means she showers as much on a single day as I do in 5 days, as a result, I am tired of it.
I tried to compromise by asking her to keep the door unlocked so I can brush my teeth and go to the bathroom, groom my beard, do my hair, etc while she is showering (And trust me, I am no fan of going to the toilet in front of anyone) basically to save me time so I can grab a quick shower when she is done, she said she is uncomfortable with leaving the bathroom door unlocked because I have friends over quite a lot, which would be logical if it was not for the fact I don’t have friends over at 7 AM!
At this point, I am just tired of it and have half a mind just to tell her she is not allowed to shower in my apartment in the mornings anymore, so WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – But as to why it takes so long: She’s not being unreasonable. The standards for female hygiene very much can require showers this long, without her luxuriating at all.
Does she have long hair? I have long hair, like really long hair, and it can take me a solid 15 min just to shampoo, condition, and rinse. (To be fair, I’m a night shower-er because otherwise, I’d spend all day every day with wet hair.
If it’s down it dries in like an hour but if I put it up wet it will literally just never dry. I have extremely dry skin and hair dryers aren’t an option cause my skin gets too irritated.)
Shaving legs can take around 5 min, it’s a lot of areas and it’s easy to cut yourself.
Shaving down there can take 10-40 min depending on a lot of factors. Bottom line, it’s difficult and you have to do a lot of other things (exfoliate, moisturize) to keep it from getting seriously irritated.
Does she have asthma or allergies? The hot steam might be the only thing that clears her sinuses out.
Does she wear glasses? If yes, remember she’s doing this all totally blind.
Even shaving down there.
The problem isn’t the time she’s taking in the shower, which is normal, so don’t make it about that. Unless you like hairy stinky women, this is normal.
The problem is you also need to do shower tasks and it’s your house. She can either stay home and do her routine there, switch parts of her routine to the evening, share the bathroom, or get up earlier than you to use the time.
Even if the time spent is necessary, she needs to plan better regarding a resource she does not own that you both need.
But this should be a polite and understanding convo that does not start with shaming how long she uses the shower, cause that’s super normal.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you don’t bother talking to her first. Is this a relatively new relationship? She could be feigning a shower half the time to primp (do her makeup, make her hair look presentable post-shower, etc).
The not wanting to leave the door unlocked sounds like either an anxiety thing, or she’s up to something she doesn’t want you to see. Not in a trashy way, she might just not be confident enough to show you her real ‘no makeup’ face.
Does she come out of the washroom fully clothed?” Jackielizr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but It’s very obvious what’s happening here. Your partner is also a morning pooper. She is turning the shower on to mask the sounds of her pooping before she actually gets into the shower.
She probably spends 10-15 min sitting on the toilet to poop and then gets in the shower. Yes, this is probably silly to you, but it sounds like you may not have been together that long or maybe she is just really shy about bathroom habits.
I guarantee it’s what’s happening. That being said, you should have a frank discussion and tell her all the things in the post about the inconvenience and waste. Also, tell her you’re a morning pooper and need to get into the bathroom to do your business.
We all poop and fart. Nothing to be ashamed of.” magnoliamouth
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If she’s good enough to sleep with, she deserves to shower. Women have a lot more to do in the bathroom than men.
Does she have curly hair and is straightening it? Does she have IBS issues or some other issue making her take longer that she doesn’t feel comfortable revealing? Why can’t one of you shower before bed?
If u can afford it, get a place with 2 bathrooms? Brush your teeth at the kitchen sink? I don’t think you are being empathetic or cooperative together. Between all the creams, makeup, flossing, hair products, etc, etc women must do, sorry but I take like an hour in there too.
Granted, the water isn’t running the entire time but jeez.” User
2. AITJ For Telling Off The Waiter And Making A Scene?
“Last night I took my girl out for Christmas Eve dinner. I made a reservation at a fancy hip (lol) restaurant.
Our waiter was a complete jerk to me right from the start and there is no question about that.
He was smiling and very polite to my girl but when he was talking to me he spoke to me like an idiot with a look on his face that I was an inconvenience.
I have never met this guy in my life and I wasn’t acting out in any way, at least not yet.
I tried to ignore what was going on and be the bigger person.
When it was our time to order I tried to give him my order he cuts me off and says ‘Ladies first’ with this jerkish tone I couldn’t stand anymore. I lost it.
It was too obvious that he was trying to ‘big man’ me in front of my partner. My girl had a very uncomfortable look on her face.
I raised my voice and asked him what he was doing.
He answered, ‘I am trying to take your girl’s order but you are interrupting me.’ It was on now.
I told him in a firm tone that I do not appreciate his attitude and to not come back to the table.
I also asked to speak to the manager. I made a big scene. I did not scream, but I had raised my voice enough so the whole restaurant can hear.
I explained to the manager that the waiter is being inappropriate and that his attitude needs to be adjusted. I calmly explained what I witnessed, that for one reason or another, he was inappropriately rude to me while borderline flirting with my girl.
The manager apologizes profusely and got us another server. The waiter tried to come to our table and apologize but at this point, I don’t have any nice sentiments toward him. I said to get away from the table and that I don’t care.
He tried to say something, but I just yelled ‘Get lost!’ at which point he just ran off. The rest of the dinner was fine.
I tried to be patient and not cause drama but if I just accepted what was happening I wouldn’t have enjoyed myself.
I also don’t appreciate some random waiter trying to hit on my girl when I am paying for the bill. I caused some drama. But it was necessary I believe.
What do you think?
EDIT: The meal was on the house”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It sounds like you got jealous at his perceived flirting with your girl and lost your top. You yourself said it was a fancy restaurant, and in my experience working at a fancy Italian restaurant, it’s not all that uncommon to ask for ladies to order first. You go to a fancy restaurant to be treated upper class/have a romantic date, and that’s a sentiment that many upper-class people hold- ladies first. As far as romance goes we still have a social expectation that the dinner is primarily for the lady, so again it makes sense that they would ask ladies first. You sound kind of insecure.” Covenof
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. That was extremely childish, totally unnecessary, and probably very embarrassing for your girl. You could have easily asked for the manager quietly, had the waiter removed, and enjoyed your dinner.
You decided to beat your chest instead and gloated about the free meal to boot. This isn’t how a grown man should act.” SurnaLynn
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – basic etiquette is that the lady orders first. He is a waiter at a fancy restaurant and he was attempting to guide you with the appropriate behavior.
Did you get an attitude about the look on his face? You sound like a bully. So far, your example and you’re follow-up behavior (yelling to bother neighboring tables, obscenities to ruin other people’s dinner atmosphere) make me think you were way out of your class.
The drama was completely unnecessary. You POLITELY ask for the manager. If the waiter continues to come over, you go get the manager again. You don’t scream and curse.” perpIndignant
1. AITJ For Telling Off A Former Boss For Tagging Me In A Social Media Post?
“I had a long time job which I was laid off from in 2018.
The person in charge of our department who made the call was someone I considered a (work) friend and watched him climb the corporate ladder at the company and was happy for him.
He laid me off a week before my wedding with absolutely no warning, even worse his wife helped me pick out my wife’s engagement ring – when firing me he basically just said ‘I am sorry, I know you have some things going on’.
Anyways two years later I’m doing alright but struggling to re-enter the full-time workforce, consulting, and whatnot. What makes things worse is mine is an industry where being unemployed or with a large resume, gaps can be toxic to finding new work.
A few days back I get a big setback in the form of a job I didn’t get that I had interviewed for three times and was really close to. While processing the disappointment I see an Instagram notification that the aforementioned department head had tagged me in a photo on his page.
I check and it’s a TBT of all of us at a work event. Everyone is chiming in like ‘Awww, great memories’ etc. However, I was seeing red… so I replied:
‘Hey (boss) long time no talk, know what my fave memory at (company) was?
When you called me into your office and laid me and my whole department off A WEEK BEFORE MY WEDDING and while (a coworker) was on leave. But hey I’m glad things are going well for you and all of (his old sub-department which he didn’t make any cuts in at all).
Who’s got it better than you? Do me a favor and keep me out of your feed, k? Thanks. Byeeeeee.’
Turns out he deletes the post, but I have been receiving mixed feedback on how I handled it.
Some say it’s great I stood up to him because he’s a known sycophant and it was a harsh dose of reality. However others are calling it a jerk move so I’m not sure, all I know is it made me feel just a little bit better after having a bad day.
Nevertheless, AITJ?
EDIT: I had a team of three working under me and when I caught wind some re-org may be happening I asked him if I should be dusting off my resume in a jokey non-serious way.
The company at the time was like 120 people and he was directly above CEO so I knew he’d be making the call. Even though I wasn’t expecting an answer he emphatically said ‘no you guys are essential.’ I have good reason to believe he knew then and we even had dinner two days earlier when he DEF knew.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk for saying it so I don’t want to give a YTJ judgment but you are an idiot. Unfortunately, there’s no judgment for that.
I don’t want to vote not TJ because I feel you’ve been a massive jerk to yourself. Honestly, I think this is one of the few stories I’ve seen where none of the judgments apply.
I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do… but all industries are smaller than you think and there’s a possibility that someone who’s hiring could see that message and judge you negatively for it.
I get it. I was fired a couple of weeks before Christmas and my boss then turned around and hired a friend. I was incredibly hurt. I cringed every time a picture popped up on social media and I very much wanted to say pretty much exactly what you said so many times.
But it was in my own best interest to keep my mouth shut. You don’t keep quiet because your boss deserves the courtesy, you keep your mouth shut to protect your own best interests.
That boss and his direct report have been responsible for every job I got in that industry after I was let go. I doubt they’d have given me a reference if I’d let loose and it’s possible that, because so many people in the industry are social media friends, people who hired me would have seen me making a jerk of myself and I never would have gotten an interview at all.
I get it, man. I really do. But you can’t go around making those sorts of comments on social media, especially if you’re looking for a job in the industry your old boss is in.” Gogogadgetskates
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Look, getting laid off sucks. It really sucks that it came from someone you considered a friend. But sometimes being in management means they CAN’T tell you this stuff.
Now maybe in your mind, your friendship superseded work. But in his mind, it didn’t. It’s not fair to fault him for doing his job. And not trying to be a jerk, but this is why you shouldn’t consider your boss a good friend, because you may be putting the expectation on them to put your friendship over their employment, which sucks.
Most times when people are getting laid off, they don’t give people a heads up for a variety of reasons. From what I understand, legal departments or company councils often stress NOT telling people this before an official announcement is made.
I understand being upset. But he wasn’t like attacking you on social media, just posting an old picture. Your reaction, being years later, seemed way over the top.” illini02
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – probably not very tactful, but neither is rubbing it in your face on social media with absolutely no scruples at all.
You don’t owe anything to the company or him anymore, and I don’t buy what other judges are saying that he was just the messenger or didn’t know…he would have reconciled with you after, but his indifference at the firing and afterward seems to indicate otherwise.
I understand seeing red, and it probably won’t help your chances in the industry but a man can only take so much awful stuff.” kmoneyrecords
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I think your former boss is the jerk for not being mindful and considering that this might trigger anger from you, but at the same time, your comment was definitely uncalled for.
I agree that ‘you hurt your job prospects’ =/= TJ. But, the fact that you caused unnecessary negativity for others in what was otherwise a positive picture for most was what made you the jerk.
If I were you, I would have simply sent the former boss a private message saying something like ‘Hey, I get you’re just trying to be positive but is it possible you could untag me from this picture and not tag me in future pictures?
I understand that firing me might not have been solely your decision, but it’s an extremely unhappy memory for me so I’ve been trying to distance myself from it as much as possible.
Thank you for understanding.’ Maybe I’d make it a little less forceful, but you get the point. There’s a lot that could’ve been done differently here.” A_Moving_Targets_Boo
Second, I would have taken that offhand comment about wearing your dress as a joke in an attempt to cheer you up after your break up.
Tell your sister you’ll contribute to her wedding dress if you can afford to. Tell her you’ll alter it or “jazz it up” (because you seem to have a talent for that) which will make it a lovely personal gift.