People Feel Exposed In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
21. AITJ For Not Letting My 3-Year-Old Cousin Blow Out My Birthday Candles First?
“I may come off as petty but here we go. Yesterday was my birthday. I (21F) was already feeling terrible, in 21 years I’ve never felt like that during my birthday, which is literally my favorite day of the year, I get cake to celebrate and have fun, pretty normal. The moment to cut the cake comes around and my aunts (they are mainly my mother’s aunts) get all up in my business demanding a song to be set on the speaker (We were about to put on Happy Birthday and I wasn’t the one managing the songs), and such.
During the entire duration of the party my (3F) little cousin was being used as a monkey “dance! Sing! Look at this! Look at that!” And that’s what happened during the cutting of the cake too, she laughs and sings, and she doesn’t care as long as people laugh with her, because she’s 3.
Anyways, one of my aunts says “Go blow out the candles!” And I got a bit angry, but I didn’t show it. My cousin does not understand how birthdays work: she sings, she blows candles, end of the story, there is no difference between her birthday and someone else’s, it’s just a birthday to her.
I wouldn’t have cared if she wanted to blow out the candles, it’s understandable, but the fact that everybody was asking her to made my blood boil. My sister (16F) came in and said “No, I’m not gonna let you blow out the candles, it’s not your birthday.” And I finally extinguished those candles.
My aunt (41, she’s my mother’s sister and the mom of the little cousin) then says “You can’t even count how many times I let you two do that when you were little…” She seemed kinda offended, but I brushed it off since I needed to cut the cake and stuff and it didn’t seem like a big deal to me.
Time goes by, the party finishes, everyone goes back home and eventually, I go to bed. My mom (48) this morning literally raged at me and my sister that we shouldn’t have treated her sister and her niece like that, that we are evil and egotistical, that we are the problem and couldn’t let a 3-year-old have a nice thing.
The thing is: SHE DID GET TO BLOW OUT THE CANDLES. We lit them up again to let her do specifically that so she wouldn’t be sad (not that she would have been, she would have gone do something else).
Nonetheless, my mom started lashing out at us saying that she almost ruined the party because of how angry she was.
Later, once this lecture was over and I fell asleep again, she came back for seconds and started yelling at my sister that we wouldn’t get any other birthdays or won’t go to any other birthday parties, that we only care about the money that our aunts give us and nothing else and that we were planning to not let our cousin’s blow the candles all alone.
I pretended to be asleep so I didn’t have to deal with that, I was about to burst into tears the whole time.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It’s your birthday and your mum should respect that. The day is about you, not everyone else. Your entitled aunt needs to be teaching your cousin about sharing and boundaries but seems more interested in indulging her.
Sounds like the kid is quite happy and not a spoiled brat but the way your aunt is heading it might not be long before she is. Props to your sister for standing up for you.” sjw_7
Another User Comments:
“I was going to suggest that maybe you could have lit the candles again for your 3-year-old cousin to blow them out but turns out that’s what you did, so it’s plain ridiculous that your mum is going off at you over something so trivial, AND for your 21st birthday, which is one of the big milestones in western culture.
Maybe they were upset by the wording that your sister used “No, you’re not going to blow out the candles as it’s not your birthday”, and maybe instead might have preferred “We’ll let you blow out the candles, but let’s let the birthday girl do it first and then you can have a go right afterward.
OK honey?”. But still, that is a disproportionate reaction from your mum. It sounds like it was more about your aunty and projected onto her daughter than about anything else. NTJ.” chiamaia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Seems like your mom may have anger or hormonal issues she may want to investigate.
To go from “saying that she almost ruined the party because of how angry she was”, to waiting to the next day to say something to then double down and start yelling? The 3-year-old had already forgotten she was the second, not the first one to blow the candles.
Heck, give her 2 days and she’ll forget there even was a cake.” Lili0103
20. AITJ For Confronting My Brother's Fiancé About Her Expectations Of Our Family?
“First, thanks everyone for your advice, I received some really insightful messages and comments which were really helpful and heartfelt.
Long story short we decided to have a session with a family mediator. It was me, my partner, Jenny, Nico, my parents, and Chelsea. I’m not sure I can fit in all the insights from the session so I’ll keep to key things.
Firstly, for all those wondering if Nico ever actually told Jenny what we said. Nico talked to Jenny about our concerns precisely twice, a third of the times we brought it up. She said it was presented to her as an offhand comment from our parents rather than the intervention it was.
Second, basically one of the main things that came up was how Nico kind of “sold” our family to Jenny as a blended family she could slot into, and she got really invested in that. Nico said he kept hoping that it would all work itself out once Jenny felt more secure in their relationship.
Then came the real crux. Jenny said she wasn’t just looking for a relationship with Nico but with a whole family. And we all had a long discussion about what that looked like for us in an ideal world, and it was vastly different.
Then the mediator asked her the question “If you never get the relationships you want from this family, do you think you’ll still be able to have a happy relationship?” And she said she didn’t know. This kind of triggered Nico, who said he felt like Jenny was making him feel like he wasn’t enough on his own, that she wanted a family from him more than a relationship with him.
Then Jenny got upset and said why couldn’t we all just try to be the family she needed. At which point my partner had an uncharacteristic moment of insanity and went off on her, then he and I left the room. I was right in the middle of lecturing him when everyone else came out except Nico and Jenny and said that they needed the rest of the session to discuss what had been said.
Nico came back to our parents’ place later and said he and Jenny are “taking a beat” because she’s ruminating on what the mediator said and he’s pretty crushed that she might not want to be with him if he doesn’t come with a ready-made family attached. He said he was prepared to pretty much give up a family for her, but she won’t even give up the idea of one for him.
He’s now staying with my partner and me until further notice. We haven’t had any further conversations with him and Jenny, he’s not in the headspace for it. If they stay together I foresee a lot more mediation.
At the end of the day, everyone on the thread was right in some way.
I was a jerk for saying what I said in the way I said it, and this conversation between all of us should have happened earlier.”
Another User Comments:
“Brother is not getting nearly enough criticism from the field on this today. He told her (lied to her) that his family was hers (immediately blended).
He told his family he’d talk to her and never did. Lies. He yelled at his family for not being what he lied to her about, what he promised her they would be. Then he yelled at her for not being content enough with reality after his lies all crumbled. She needs therapy, but he’s the real jerk here.
OP, did I get any of that wrong? EDIT: in fact the more I think about this, the worse he comes off. She came to him in an incredibly vulnerable state, and he left her exponentially worse! And if his family doesn’t hold him accountable for this, he will remember this incident not as something he caused, but as some “crazy ex-partner” story.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“So basically Nico promised her something that he couldn’t outright give her and just hoped it would work out so that she’d agree to marry him? And he’s hurt that she can’t accept that what she was told isn’t what’s actually happening at this point in time.
He was willing to throw his family away knowing that that’s not what she wants but he just assumes if they both have no family then it’s fine. This all sounds like Nico’s fault honestly. He lied to her because he wanted her to marry him.
He lied to you all and hoped with enough time either the lie would become true or he’d have to cut contact with you all to keep up his lies. Somehow he’s the victim though. Your family is enabling his lying and manipulative behavior and treating Jenny like the villain for wanting what she’d been promised.” OopsMyBad21
Another User Comments:
“I think that she has boundary issues because she’s likely never experienced normal, healthy relationships. Everything is all in or all out and she hasn’t experienced loving someone generally even if you aren’t close (as some siblings may be) or friendships that are like siblings and others that are activity-related etc. Her expectations are wholly unrealistic so of course she thinks anything less isn’t real or she’s being rejected or being deceived out of the real deal.” OLAZ3000
19. AITJ For Asking My Parents To Not Give Gifts Unequally In Front Of My Son?
“Growing up we lived far away from my grandparents and so had a different relationship with them than my cousins who saw them every day.
Grandparents treated us differently and constantly treated me as the black sheep (though at 7 years old not sure exactly what I did!!) mostly because I didn’t act like my cousins. Grandparents looked after them when my aunt and uncle were at work so basically raised them.
I hated it and used to dread going to visit.
Fast forward 30 years and I (38f) and my wife (39f) have a little one (2m) and are in a similar situation where we live 6hrs away from my parents. My sister and her family (4m and 2m) live an hour away so see them regularly.
I know that our children will have different relationships with my parents purely because of how often they see them, but I make sure we video call, visit, and talk about them so that they are not strangers.
A few weeks ago I took my son to stay with my parents for a few days.
We had a lovely time and when we were there my dad bought my son some toy cars.
The next day my sister came over with her boys and my mum called them into the living room saying “Boys follow me”. Naturally, my son followed. She then gave my nephews a present each.
My little one’s face was heartbreaking as he didn’t understand why everyone got given a present but he didn’t. I bent down and said to him “why don’t you go and get the cars grandma and grandad got you to show your cousins.” I was trying to gently remind him that he had also been given a gift but it had been the day before.
Later that evening I was talking with my mum and she brought up how my grandparents had treated us differently. I said looking back I can understand why we had a different relationship but at the time it was hard. I said that I knew they would do more with my nephews, but that I’d make sure my son understood he was just as important.
I then took this opportunity (I wasn’t previously planning on saying anything) to say that they (my parents) could help by not doing things that might appear to be treating them differently, such as giving my nephews presents in front of my son if there’s nothing for him.
He’s 2 years old. He doesn’t grasp the concept that he got something earlier. It’s a bit like giving one kid one present and another 6. The total cost might be the same but kids will see one got more than the other.
My mum’s response was that I am keeping track of who gets what and it’s up to her what she does and who she buys gifts for.
I think she’s missing the point and my sister says I’m the jerk for bringing it up, I hadn’t planned to at all it’s just how the conversation went. I don’t want my son to feel like I did and will always make sure he feels equal to his cousins.
AITJ here? His face broke my heart and I thought I dealt with it well but now it feels like I’ve created a massive issue.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Especially after reading your additional edit about how your son only got his gift because you and your dad were in a shop and your son just so happened to find something he liked in there.
Otherwise, there would’ve been no present for your son at all and only for the other children. This is incredibly rude and unfair to your mother. It gives the impression of favoritism for her nephews and, understandably makes your son feel left out. Who on earth gets all the kids together, and buys gifts for all of them except one?!
That’s insane” Next_Craft5639
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, at 2 a kid has trouble understanding I got my gift yesterday, they get theirs today and they weren’t even equivalent by the sounds of it. As a kid, I remember opening up a lot of Christmas gifts very early one year.
My cousin was spending Christmas with us. While our shared grandparents gifted similarly to all of us- our non-shared grandparents didn’t. My mom didn’t want to create a situation where we kept opening more and more gifts while he just sat there. We were also older at that point where it would be understood, but for any kid that can be uncomfortable at best.” blackcherrytomato
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I always knew my grandma didn’t like us as much as her other grandkids. Everyone else’s pictures were front and center in her kitchen, ours nowhere to be found. Occasionally get a gift for birthdays and Christmas. Then seeing all the stuff she got for my cousins.
Your mom said ” Boys follow me” and meant your nephews, not your son. Of course, he is gonna feel excluded!” JKristiina
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!! You were being reasonable and your mom could’ve just agreed to time her gift distribution better going forward. I have nieces and nephews that I buy no-occasion gifts for, I always make sure that I give the gifts to them all at the same time, if they arrive at different times/days I hold off on it till everyone is there together.
Also, your son only got a gift because you happened to go to the store what was your mom planning if that didn’t happen? She needs to objectively analyze her behavior.” Fragrant_Exercise_31
18. AITJ For Refusing To Walk My Estranged Sister Down The Aisle?
“My Sister asked me to walk her down the aisle in place of my father, who recently passed away.
I was honestly shocked to hear this as we have not really been close in a long time, speaking only 1-2 times a year for the last decade or so. We don’t call each other on our birthdays or wish each other happy holidays.
I didn’t even know she was engaged but I guess she thought she informed me by texting me a pic of the engagement – I thought it was just a random picture of her and her partner she sent me out of the blue one day but zooming in I can now see she’s holding up her hand with the ring on her finger.
Like I said we weren’t that close due to many slights and fights that had happened over the years we grew up together, it’s not worth getting into the details as it’s probably normal sibling rivalry stuff but we just don’t have compatible personalities.
We had some good times too though, no doubt about that. She had moved far away to another state for grad school and has changed a lot since then. Honestly, I don’t even recognize much of the person I grew up with in her current personality, not better or worse just different.
She seemed sort of reticent about asking me and told me to just let her know if I could do it. So I was hesitant to reply. My gut feeling was that I really didn’t want the responsibility of the spotlight since our relationship was so limited and that I didn’t feel obligated to do it, just because Dad couldn’t be there, to appease a “family obligation” that I wasn’t sure even existed ethically.
She followed up with me once and I sort of brushed it off, then she never brought it up to me again. I was actually so upset to be put on the spot that I didn’t end up attending her wedding at all. I never really told her no, just didn’t reply to the wedding invite and instead sent her an Amazon card the following week wishing her success in her marriage.
We haven’t talked since then and I haven’t heard from any family about it and I don’t intend to ask questions either. Having said that I don’t really know how this has changed her perception of our relationship or whether it really impacts me in any significant way going forward.
I recall as a kid she was the type to shut down when someone made her mad, requiring the other person to solicit contact before she shared her feelings, so not hearing from her is consistent with that, but she has changed a lot so I’m not sure if it still applies.
As I said she’s not a major part of my life and if the handful of times we speak a year were to disappear I’m not sure I would feel any loss. Of course, I do wish her well on her journey, as I would do for any person, even if I take no part in it.
Sometimes my internal barometer is tuned a bit differently than common sense so I figured I’d get a few independent opinions on this – AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“This was an olive branch and an opportunity for you to get closer to your sister. If you were uncomfortable with it, you should have communicated that to her.
You didn’t even tell her no you just didn’t show up. And for that reason, alone YTJ.” SuperbKick5897
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I was on board until you said that you didn’t even respond to her wedding invite, let alone show up after not giving her a concrete answer.
I don’t know what issues you had while growing up, but a simple response takes a couple of seconds to text back. You’re not the jerk for not walking her down the aisle, but just give her a yes or no.” Ophede
Another User Comments:
“I would be pretty hurt if I had reached out to a sibling and they didn’t even have the common decency to respond. You seem cold. Hope you have other connections in your life that are less so because this just sounds sad. I’m not sure if you’re a jerk but I hope you are less emotionally disconnected than it seems from your post. If you don’t care at all about her existence (and it sounds like that’s the case) then just leave her alone and let her move on with her life.
I doubt you can come back from this easily and it sounds like you don’t care if you do anyway.” Whateverandever01
17. AITJ For Wanting To Keep My Grandfather's Inheritance Despite Family Disagreements?
“So, some background. My mom and dad divorced when I was a baby. Growing up I lived with my mom and grandparents until my Mom remarried. As a result, my grandfather was my only father figure. He and I were inseparable and did everything together.
My family has always been dysfunctional. My grandparents had 3 kids, my mom, and my 2 uncles. My grandfather disliked my Mom and thought she was a bad mother to me. My grandmother never had issues with them, but that couldn’t stop the constant arguments that would break out, especially on holidays.
JR didn’t visit much, but whenever he did it almost always resulted in an argument as well.
My grandparents had a joint living trust, and two years ago, my grandpa died. My grandma passed a few years earlier. Before she died, they had it written in their will that the value of all of their assets would be split 4 ways, between me and their 3 kids.
However, after she died my grandfather changed it, effectively cutting both my mom and JR from the will, giving their shares to me. No one aside from my other uncle, the Executor, and I knew about this change beforehand only found out accidentally right before he died.
When the rest of my family found out, JR was enraged at my grandpa, and threatened to abandon the rest of us if we abided by the changes, using my grandpa’s prior stroke to claim he wasn’t in the right mind to do that, and that from what we know it wasn’t what my grandma wanted (he left his reasons in the will, that they didn’t need the money and that I would need it the most after he died).
I didn’t, and to a degree still don’t think what he did was completely fair, and saw the logic in what JR was saying so following his death I “agreed” to go back on the changes my grandpa made, to give my Mom and JR each 1/4 after receiving the 3/4 left to me.
Since then, the trust’s disbursement has been delayed due to outside factors. I’ve had a lot of time to think about the ramifications of my decision. This isn’t a small amount of money(~300k), and I know it would be beneficial for my future (I’m the poorest in my family, and JR is quite well off).
I’ve been torn between what I think/have been told is “the right thing,” and what I think would be wisest for me, honoring my father figure’s dying wish. My bio dad has said I should follow the will, as well as everyone outside of my family, which is what made me first question this.
However, if I follow it, JR will likely contest the will and sue me, and my Mom may resent me. If I split it, I’ll be disregarding my grandpa’s dying wish, and lose out on over $200k. I don’t know if I’ve been manipulated into thinking following the will is wrong, which is why I’m asking here.
I’m at a loss and feel trapped. The idea of this money brings me no joy, I just want this to be over.
So, WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I would 100% keep the money. My only advice is that consult a lawyer, look at the legal ramifications of proceeding with a suit, discuss the timeline, and fees, and see to what extent it is sustainable for you to contest in litigation.
If it is feasible to you then retain the money and proceed with litigation. However, if the lawyer fees and time would drag it on and JR will be litigious for spite then just divide the money to the extent. I would still look at the best way to retain money most beneficial to me.
Also, I’ve been on one side of this. As far as inheritance is concerned most relationships inevitably and permanently break down. My mother tried her best to be fair but in the end, lost both money and relationships. So if you think dividing the money will ultimately repair the relationship it won’t” nosynobody
Another User Comments:
” NTJ these people are messing with you over because you’re young and naive. The right thing is to respect her dying wishes. In 20 years, you’ll laugh at yourself for even considering otherwise! My condolences and good luck planning your new future.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Okay, this is complicated. To be clear, NTJ, whatever you choose. But there are consequences to all your options here. You could definitely get all the money. It is unlikely your uncle or mother could successfully contest it. But if you keep it, you will end up having nothing but hurtful and bitter interactions with your family from that day forward.
Ask yourself, what is the value of better family relations? Is it worth $200,000 to you? Also, does your mother or JR have other offspring? It may be that this money is coming your way regardless in time unless you burn your bridges here.” chrestomancy
16. AITJ For Losing My Temper Over My Brother's Disruptive Lifestyle Changes?
“My older brother had become extremely conscious of his health since a year ago.
Since the beginning of last year, he began a strict diet of not eating any carbs, and sugar (even fruits that are sweet), avoiding red meat, doing cold plunges every day, and intermittent fasting. This change wasn’t due to any health issues. I (a year younger) wasn’t really bothered since that was his choice.
But he convinces my mum (who cooks for the family) of his diet based on nutritional research papers and she has been completely sold by it.
Fast forward to a month ago, he has made a 180-degree change and began his strict carnivore diet of only eating grass-fed beef and organs, cooking only in butter, and this was an OVERNIGHT change.
Just a day before his 180 change, he convinced my mum to buy 4kg of frozen berries. For context, we live in an Asian country where land is expensive, houses are generally pretty small. The very next day, he proceeded to buy 2 weeks’ supply of grass-fed beef and organs, and 5 sticks of butter and refused to touch the berries he bought.
When he sears the beef, the grease and oil smoke and splatter all over the stoves and floor that he hardly cleans up after and allows the smell to permeate the house which has been inconsiderate since my mum and I use the kitchen regularly.
This was making me angry and my mum cleaned up after his mess.
Just last Friday, I finally lost it. At 12pm, he installed a huge cold inflatable plunge tub (which comes with a compressor to cool the water) IN THE LIVING ROOM BESIDE THE COUCH, where the coffee table once was.
And our living room is not spacious, the furniture fits but there isn’t much space. Upon installation of the tub, it needed 6 HOURS of cooling, which meant the compressor was blowing hot air for 6 hours in the living room, which was extremely hot and noisy for me who was working from home.
The whole living room was a mess the misplaced coffee table and noisily blowing hot air throughout the house from 12 pm till 6 pm, ON A WEEKDAY. I was not informed at all beforehand, nor did I know when this noise would end and by the 3 hour mark, I switched it off out of desperation.
He ran into the living room and shouted and that’s when I lost it. I screamed at him and demanded him to stop immediately so that I could eat my lunch at 3 PM and work in PEACE. Instead, he called me out for being rude and lacking courtesy (?!) for switching it off and persisted in leaving it on until 6 pm.
And I think that was the end of my tolerance with his nonsense, I have not spoken to him. And as usual, my parents are all OK with his nonsense, and asking me to move my stuff (parcels, pouch, etc.) in the living room as it looks a mess.
Every since then, I have been treating this house like a hotel, eating out or buying my meals and only coming home to sleep, and not talking to anyone else. And at this rate, I am seriously considering moving out.”
Another User Comments:
“If you can afford to move out.
Before I did that, I’d make his life difficult and force your parents to kick one of you out. They seem to just do whatever they wants. Would they kick you out if you just wholesale started resisting everything he did?” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ no matter what but has your brother had a history of getting like REALLY into something and then completely dropping it? There is obviously nothing diagnosable from this post alone and I’m not a doctor, but I have bipolar and REALLY sudden passionate changes (in diet, lifestyle, religion, political beliefs, etc.) can sometimes be related to mania.
Not your problem to deal with and you should move out if he’s being like this, but it might be something he wants to speak to a doctor about just to play it safe. I had a lot of signs I didn’t know were signs because when you get THAT obsessed about something you really feel it’s like the only right thing idk it’s hard to explain well” cespirit
15. AITJ For Changing My Last Name To My Wife's And Not Keeping My Family Name Alive?
“I (44m) am my wife’s (42f) primary caregiver. She has Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. Soon after her diagnosis in 2018, we had a surprise wedding at a concert I was playing so she could still “walk down the aisle”.
It took 15 minutes and was the best night of my life. I didn’t want her to change her name, because it just didn’t sound right to me. Her name is so much prettier the way it is.
By 2021 she was in a hospital bed, unable to walk.
In Dec 2022, she got a UTI and was in the hospital for 6 months. She was close to death three times during this period, 2 from the UTI, and a 3rd from aspirating (ended up in ICU for two weeks on breathing tubes). I lived in the hospital, sleeping on a broken recliner.
Her speech was so bad so I’d communicate for her after getting hassle from nurses and doctors to make sure I was her husband. For updates, I had a family phone chat group and social media. Friends and extended family came out of the woodwork – donating door dash gift cards, food, visits, cleaning our apt, etc..
Her family took shifts to allow me to go home to shower and sleep. But my family did nothing. No visits. No support.
After 3 weeks, I messaged them that I was disappointed. If any of them were in this situation, we’d all rally. I expected more from them and needed them to know.
They responded by saying that it was my fault for not reaching out to them, and “We helped you all these other times”. So I took them out of the group chat. I told them all I needed a break. This break was during my birthday.
My family didn’t reach out. And that’s fine. In May, I didn’t message my father on his birthday. Or my mom for Mother’s day. Because we really weren’t talking (petty, I know). My mom blew up more about me not messaging my dad on his birthday (he and I hadn’t talked in 7 months).
Wifey ended up back in the hospital in July for 2wks after a seizure. At this point, we agreed I needed to have Power of Attorney and to change my last name to make life easier in these situations. My family and I didn’t speak until last weekend at my cousin’s wedding.
I got death ray eyes from my mom, but we were cordial. At one point my dad leaned over and said, “You’d better text your mom back soon, you’re running out of time for her to be open to it.” I responded, “This isn’t the place, but if you want to talk about it outside of this wedding…” He pressed, and I pressed back.
I left early and quietly to get home. That night, my cousin was talking to her mom about my name change, when mom overheard. She’s now texting about how I’m doing this out of spite and I “won’t be in the family anymore if this happens”.
That I should have her change her last name because I’m the last male family member with this name, so it dies with me. I’m kinda done with my family anyway because I know this won’t change, but I’m still wondering:
AITJ for legally changing my last name to my wife’s, instead of having her change hers so we can “keep the last name alive”?
Edit: We don’t have kids.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You can use whatever name you want. I know several men who have taken their wife’s last name. I also know several couples who have hyphenated names and several where the wife has taken their husband’s name.
It shouldn’t matter to anyone but the couple themselves.” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and I’m truly sorry about your situation. I don’t see what the last name has to do with Power of Attorney. And I don’t pretend to be a lawyer, but I simply don’t agree that her mother would take precedence over you, the husband, regarding any decisions that need to be made.
Spouse trumps immediate family, period. I think you’re fretting over a non-issue when you have plenty of legitimate grief to occupy your thoughts. Change your last name if that’s what you’d like to do, but not because of any legal ramifications.” ArtShapiro
14. AITJ For Wanting To Move Back Home Despite My Wife's Disapproval?
“I (32M) and my wife (31F) have been on a break in our relationship for the last four months. She has struggled mightily with her mental health in the 10 years that I have known her.
She’s had slow but relatively consistent improvement in that time. She’s been diagnosed with ADHD and depression, is medicated, and works with a general therapist. She’s also had a good support network throughout her adult life. It consists mostly of myself and her dad but there are others too.
Day-to-day life has been a struggle for her at times. In my opinion, she exhibits classic ADHD and depression symptoms. It’s a constant battle and life mostly passes on a day-to-day or week-to-week basis.
She’s entirely supported by myself and her dad. She is not employed and I do not expect her to be.
We are under no financial strain. The only thing I want her to do is focus on getting herself to a place she’s comfortable with. As for the break – she requested it for a few reasons. First, she wants to take time alone to decide what her priorities are in life.
Second, she’s concerned that I have enabled her to be too passive in her own life. She wants to be more responsible for herself and insists she cannot do so if I’m around because I’m too willing to pick up the slack and it’s too easy for her to ask for help.
Third, she wants to consider whether or not she wants to continue our relationship going forward.
During our break, I have been living with my parents who live about 20 minutes away. I’m comfortable here and go to and from my house to my parents as needed. After this four-month break, we agreed to talk about what would happen next in terms of our living situation and the future of our relationship.
The discussion should happen within a week. Because I wanted to give her more time to sort out her options, a couple of weeks ago I told her that I intended to move back by the end of August. That is still my intent and I plan to reiterate it in our discussion.
She did not take it well. She called me impatient and said she wanted at least a couple more months. She insisted that my moving back would significantly inhibit her ability to make progress toward her goals.
At this point, I told her I wasn’t asking for permission and that I was informing her of my plans (we mutually own the house).
The last four months have been a big sacrifice for me. We have many pets and plenty of gardens. A nice backyard with a fire pit and a grill outside. I miss these things greatly and are key parts of a happy life for me.
I’ve participated in all these things very little during our break. To clarify – me moving back is not a resumption of our relationship. It’s merely me living at home again. I have no intent of getting in her way of anything she’s trying to work on.
So, AITJ for insisting on moving back home on my timeline whether my wife agrees to it or not?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’m assuming your wife has nowhere else to go, but “needing” you out of the house for 4 months for mental health reasons sounds absurd.
She can be the one to leave if she really feels this way. Edit: I was gonna refrain from being harsh, but there’s something more going on here. It’s OK for your wife to have doubts about your marriage, but she seems to have no doubts about taking your money and living in your house.
You are 100% being taken advantage of.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You’ve been more than generous, living with your parents for 4 months! There’s a lot going on here and quite frankly, this sounds really exhausting. If she wants to move out then she can.
Time to have the discussions and make the decisions.” rollingfakedice-
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If she still needs space she can live with her parents. What actual work has she been doing on herself in those four months? If she doesn’t have a clear plan or roadmap then all she’s been doing is shaking her life around and hoping she feels better.
It still doesn’t so your moving back is “too soon” but unless there’s an actual plan of action it’ll always be “too soon”” DragoBrokeMe
13. AITJ For Wanting To Cancel A Roadtrip Due To Friends' Last Minute Changes?
“I (26M) have to go on vacation with two friends who we’ll call Pippin (26M) and Merry (27M) to go visit two other friends, Sauron (26M) and Galadriel (26F), pursuing their PhD in another country. We’ll be hosted by said friends and it was established long ago that we would be staying ~10 days ’cause it’s like 2400 km back and forth.
Me, Pippin, and Merry decided to go by car to have a nice road trip and do a couple of days in the cities in between our destinations (12 hrs by car is no joke) both going and coming back – that way we would stay away for a total of ~12-14 days thus making the trip “worth it” so to speak.
I immediately made my car available because it’s a crossover and, most importantly, bi-fuel (petrol – which, in Europe, is expensive + LNG – which is usually quite cheap) while Pippin’s car is a petrol-powered city car and Merry didn’t have his own car until a couple of weeks ago.
To add to this: I’m almost always the driver ’cause I had the privilege of having my own first car before a lot of my friends, I’ve always been considered a good driver and I truly enjoy driving so it doesn’t bother me even on long trips.
Having said that: nobody bothered to organize anything about that trip apart from me and Galadriel (who gave us some hints on where to park, how to reach their house, and so on). Last night I met with the boys to prepare only to discover that Merry decided to go by plane and then come back with us by car – his reason was “I don’t want to stay away for so many days”.
Fine. It kind of irked me for the timing but I didn’t feel like arguing on that.
The problem was when we shared our intentions with Sauron who promptly said “I thought you were coming over for a long weekend” so something along the lines of ~4-5 days.
Add to that a couple of days for the trip for a grand total of ~7-8 days. Not fine. I maintained my calm and said “We’ll see what we can do then” but now I’m at a crossroads between a possible jerk move and a compromise.
The jerk move would be to cancel the trip since Pippin already said that he didn’t want to go by plane (so basically he would stay home, too) and it might displease Sauron and Galadriel who were, supposedly, “looking forward” to our visit. Also Merry would have to buy a return ticket (which is WAY MORE expensive than the one-way ticket) or stay home, too.
The compromise would be to do 2400 km to have a “long weekend” in a city I already visited with people I have some resentment toward (I can elaborate further if needed).
Keep in mind that I’m currently undergoing psychotherapeutic and psychiatric treatment for MDD, while also going to a nutritionist and doing some medical checkups that I’ve been needing for a long time, taking meds (for MDD) and generally taking care of myself.
I’m also looking to buy a house and become fully independent. All that + my work would be somewhat put on “pause” (except the meds, of course) for this vacation. So, what do you think? WIBTJ for canceling?”
Another User Comments:
“You were planning to stay longer originally, so your view on canceling because of your nutrition and other stuff is just an excuse.
A 12-hour road trip isn’t that long, especially when split with another person or 2. You don’t need 3-4 days of travel for a 12-hour ride, that’s ridiculous. 5 days of visiting friends is plenty and 2 short road trips seem fair. If you’ve changed your mind and don’t want to go, then don’t go.
Don’t blame your friends though, you’re disappointed things didn’t go your way so you’ve changed your mind.” ThrowRAzilla
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When planning things with inconsiderate people, there are often last-minute changes to adapt to new plans that might come for them ( not emergencies).
Also, there’s often miscommunication and gaslighting because no one would admit they’ve done wrong. I don’t have these issues with my friends but I have had them in the past with others and needed to go back and forth on chats to see who said what and break that “she said, he said” cul-de-sac.
To be honest, I’d cancel too, but be prepared for things maybe falling apart in that friendship.” Any_Tradition_7149
12. AITJ For Refusing To Spend Time With My Partner's Inconsiderate Friends?
“Two of them are old school friends, I was friends with them for years before being in a relationship with my partner.
We used to all hangout, I was in the group chat, but some behaviors and comments (mostly from one person) ended up grinding my gears: mainly an overwhelming lack of consideration for others, selfishness, misogynistic/homophobic recurring “jokes”… I would become irritable during group trips, would get into arguments with one of them, and my partner would get upset.
All the others in the group just don’t say anything and go along with it. One dude has allergies but didn’t say anything when everyone decided to cook something he’s allergic to in his own house… like, why? What’s so hard with finding a recipe he’s NOT allergic to?
I decided to see them less. They always badger my partner about why I’m not there. They NEVER ask me directly despite being in a group chat with me. I lost it when one day, a group member wanted to buy an expensive present for another group member’s birthday, asking us to chip in.
This is one of the things I couldn’t stand: 2-3 group members get birthday wishes, even presents, which we all chip in for, but the rest of the group is lucky if someone remembers their bday. This was the last straw for me: I left the group chat with a bang, explaining my reasons.
The person who annoys me most confronted me, trying to make me the bad guy because I said something mean to him when I was 16… He decided to end the conversation without checking himself and “stay friends” for the sake of my partner.
So I no longer see them and just stay polite.
No longer seeing or thinking about them is very freeing for me. I do not miss them and they never contact me. These friends continue to badger my partner about why I’m not coming. This makes my partner uncomfortable because he doesn’t know what to say.
NYE 2021 and 2022 he decided to spend with them, didn’t ask for my opinion, and assumed I was coming. This made me upset the first time, and very upset the second time. I did not go.
This year he asked me if I wanted to spend NYE with these friends and pressured me for a response despite it being August…
I explained, probably too much, why I didn’t want to. I noticed that my partner seemed anxious and he was near crying. He said it reminded him of his parents’ divorce… I said that wasn’t really fair, but I didn’t want to make him so unhappy.
I’m at a point in my life where I don’t want to force myself to do things I don’t want to and I’m reluctant to give my time to people who don’t “deserve” it. But, I also have a bad habit of holding an incredible grudge for years.
Should I compromise and go to see these people even though I will probably not have a good time?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t owe them anything. You’ve tried. They haven’t. You feel better when you’re not around them. Keep feeling good. No need to go into a situation that makes you feel bad.
You haven’t given your partner an ultimatum. You haven’t said he can’t be friends with them. You just don’t want to. Hopefully, the two of you can spend NYE together.” NiKoNeKro
Another User Comments:
“. If his friends are inconsiderate and you don’t feel respected as you should and he does not reinforce the need for consideration toward you then he shouldn’t expect you to go out of your way to be around them.
Basically, if he is OK with his friends not fully respecting you and being inconsiderate toward you then he does not have the full respect toward you that he should. If he doesn’t drop it I would leave.” Mother_Mach
Another User Comments:
“I’m not sure why you’re still spending time with your partner.
NTJ. Not only did he not have your back, he went so far the other way with it he rings in the new year with them instead of you. FOR YEARS. Here’s a quote I used once before you might find helpful. “If you’re going to ring in the new year without me, you can live it without me too.
I’m done.”” AdRepresentative5080
11. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit My Brothers And Pay Rent At The Same Time?
“I (20 M) have 3 brothers. (15m,14m,11m). For a bit of context, I lived away from home when I was 15 to 17. Back in late 2019, I moved back home with my parents. Just before Christmas 2019 my parents broke up and left my mum a single mum with 4 children to look after.
This left a huge responsibility to me at 17 because she asked if I could help her with her childcare.
I agreed because I didn’t want my family to fall apart if I had said no we would have struggled. For those curious one of the reasons I moved a few years ago was because 2 of my brothers (15m and 11m) would invade my privacy daily EG: Stealing my items, taking any snacks, messing my room up so there was nowhere to walk and taking anything they wanted since they could walk and talk.
Fast forward to earlier in the year, I’ve been babysitting and taking care of my brothers for 2 years and their behavior has only gotten worse.
The now 15 y/o and 11y/o have only gotten worse to the point where all the doors in the house have locks to prevent them from stealing and we have cameras in almost every room.
Their behavior has gotten to the point where everyone in the house is physically, mentally, and emotionally mistreated mostly by my 11-year-old brother.
Going back to the title, I recently had a huge falling out with my mum as I refused to babysit and pay rent for the weeks I did babysit.
I’ve decided I’d rather pay rent than babysit.
Due to changing jobs and being told I’d be on a higher pay than I am, I’ve been struggling to pay the rent my mum wants from me. On top of this, I’ve gotten about 1 grand in debt total (most of it is from buying a PC from a friend of mine) but I explained to my mum that I do want to try and get the debt down.
She then demanded I pay rent despite babysitting my brothers which I refuse to pay rent for and she told me to go find somewhere else to live. I’m now staying with family for the time being to create some space and time to think about how to move forward.
I get my own essentials, pay for a lot of my own food, my own travel like the average independent adult, and if I have the money I’ll pay off my debt. Since this falling out with my mum she has increased the amount of rent she wants from me.
If I go back my rent is increased and I “won’t have to look after my brothers” but I know she will go out and leave them with me and make it a problem if I say no.
I know that my brother’s behavior will never change and I’ve tried talking to my mum about it as she is the parent.
At this point, I’m considering saving what I can and finding somewhere to live. My job pays alright money but I can’t work enough to save properly as I’m always tied down to kids that aren’t mine. I’m tired of living somewhere where I can’t be comfortable in “my own home” and where everything is my fault.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are supposed to be making your own way in the world at this age. Going to school. Working. Only responsible for yourself. If your family “falls apart” without you – that is on your parents not you. These are not your children.
Look up “parentifying” and learn how to step away from this bad situation.” violetauto
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, how does she want you to pay rent when you babysit and limit your working? You’re babysitting is saving her money – this sounds similar to another post earlier this week, where OP was saving her sister from paying $2K / month in childcare (working over 40 / week at it) andher sister still wanted her to pay rent.
Even though her $2k babysitting savings were more than the sister paid in rent! Live your life, your brothers will not change until something, consequences, make them change.” BlueMountain2022
10. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Prioritize Our Relationship Over Her Family Time?
“I (32M) and my partner (33F) have been in a relationship for a few years and things are getting pretty serious, talking about our future, marriage, etc.
But her family time has been a bit of a drag on our relationship. She was born and raised in the city we live in, and both her parents and siblings (with nieces and nephews) are 30 minutes away, so she sees them every single week.
The typical schedule is she’ll go to visit on Friday or Saturday, spend ~36 hours with her family, and then come back.
I want to be clear, I do really like her family. I often go with her to visit them too, but I am definitely more introverted/low energy than they are so sometimes I hang back.
This situation has made it really difficult for us to have significant one time (we don’t live together yet). We’ve only been on 2 trips over the past 3 years that covered an entire weekend because she wants to save at least one weekend day for family time.
Anytime I ask her if we can schedule something for us, she has to check with her parents first. Not for permission, but to see if there were any family plans. And not just if I ask her a week or two in advance, but even months in advance.
This isn’t birthdays or anniversaries or holidays that get in the way though. If her family indicates they expected her presence at all, she’ll opt out of festivals, travel, or anything else I’m trying to coordinate. The way she ends up asking is very passive too, usually along the lines of “Are we doing anything X week?” I’ve tried to tell her to be a little more assertive and phrase it like “OP and I were thinking of doing X this weekend, did we have any family plans for then?”, but even that is difficult for her.
She’s a textbook people pleaser and I can’t tell if she just still prioritizes her family’s feelings over mine, or if doing something with me would be like doing something for herself (since she does like spending time with me) and it, therefore, gets sent to the bottom of the priority list.
We’ve skirted around this in a few prior discussions, but now that we’re talking more about the future I’ve been more focused on it. I don’t want to come off as trying to take her away from her family or be some controlling narcissistic partner, but it seems like her attachment to her family is a little extreme.
If I’m building a future and a family with her, I feel like our relationship is supposed to be the one that takes priority, as that center of gravity naturally shifts.
Like in talking about marriage stuff, she even mentioned she would want our honeymoon to be close by/accessible so her parents could visit us while we were away together!
My family is spread out around the country, and I would never jeopardize my time with them, but that’s because I only see them once or twice a year. I’ve always loved the idea of a closer, supportive family, this just seems like the opposite extreme.
So is it that, or do I need to change my perspective?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Honestly, you’re either going to have to be okay with this or give it up. It’s like being in a relationship with a religious gal and wondering why she’s always spending her Sunday at church.” Petefriend86
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This entire situation is strange. The “have to be near my parents on my honeymoon” is so wild. Keep in mind if you marry this woman 100% chance her parents will move in with you when they are too old. Guarantee it.” HeirOfRavenclaw
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but your partner is immature. Asking permission from your parents to do things with your partner is what teenagers are supposed to do – not people in their 30s looking towards marriage. You need to be honest with yourself about if you can deal with this behavior for the rest of your life because at this point, it is highly unlikely that this will change.” DisneyFoodie20
9. AITJ For Wanting More Respect From My Family After They Ignored My Wedding?
“I 29M and my wife 27F got married on Oct 22 and are expecting our first child on Oct 23 after being together for 10 years! Since we got married, I’ve been wanting to distance myself from my seemingly unsupportive family.
For context, I grew up in an upper middle class/rich area and my now wife did not.
My parents had an issue with that from the beginning and my parents now say they should have handled the situation better and that they are “trying”. Around the same time, my younger brother began seeing his now fiancé and my parents immediately began to take a liking to her making comments like, “Oh these two will have a great life together” and “We need to help her so she can get into the same college as your brother, they shouldn’t be apart!” She also comes a from an upper-middle-class family as well.
Fast forward to 2022, having been engaged for 2 1/2 years and decided it was now time to get married. My parents said they would pay for everything we needed to a point. We thanked them profusely and got everything arranged within a week. We showed my mother, who said she was in charge of planning and paying only to get a resounding “No the price is ridiculous.”
The total cost of EVERYTHING going into the wedding would have been roughly 14k, including things we were covering ourselves, my brother who is getting married later in 2023 has had our parents spend more than that on the venue itself. My parents then suggested the idea of having it at a golf course they picked and only needed to spend $800 on the venue and food, to which we had said no thank you.
This caused a huge fight between my dad and I. All this back and forth turned to us just deciding to go to the courthouse (my family was there so they didn’t miss out.)
Now before our wedding, we had sent cards saying we got married/eloped out to our extended family to let everyone know.
After a few months, no one had contacted us to congratulate us. I asked Mom why and I found out everyone was “old school” and that since I didn’t have a traditional wedding or party, they didn’t feel the need to congratulate us about it.
This crushed us. I was hurt and snapped at my mom for betraying me and not sticking up for us, to which she said this was our decision to do what we did at this point and that I needed to be the bigger person.
Now that our baby is on the way, my extended family STILL has not acknowledged our marriage. Things with my parents have devolved to the point where my father will make statements like “Was the baby planned?” Or “Hey all this hard work I’m doing is for you (insert brother’s fiancé) ”or “I was really dreading your wedding and the dinner.”
As more time passes the angrier I get about the situation, I feel torn as my wife wants to support my relationship with my family as she doesn’t have one, all she has is her dad but I am having a hard to just being around them at this point.
AITJ for wanting to ask for more respect for my wife and me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But your parents obviously had a more glamorous idea of how your life would turn out to be. Now, you have to decide what boundaries to put in place with them.
Remember, you cannot control their behavior, you can only decide what to accept and what not to accept. If I were you, I’d distance myself from parents that don’t respect my decisions.” pippi2424
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your family is straight up toxic for treating you like this: first for the huge disparity in value between what they offered you vs your brother and second for failing to congratulate you on your wedding, something that even the most casual of acquaintances could be reliably expected to do.
If you’re economically dependent on them, it’s well past time to build up eff-you funds so you can make your own way in the world without them. No one’s entitled to treat anyone so poorly because they were denied a party. That’s unspeakably shallow and selfish of them.” bureaucratic_drift
Another User Comments:
“Eloping was a bridge-burning decision by you on multiple levels. Not getting congratulated by the larger family for denying them the opportunity to celebrate the wedding is hardly a brain teaser. How did you expect them to react? Beyond this, if someone is offering to pay for the entire venue, food, etc., it would be to your benefit to work with them on a mutually agreeable compromise vs (effectively) throwing a tantrum and eloping.
You seem somewhat oblivious to the consequences of your actions. You can do what you want, but being puzzled and disappointed by your family’s reaction is a bit disingenuous. You know exactly why they are reacting the way they did.” Nanny_Ogg1000
8. AITJ For Not Telling My Husband About A Creepy Colleague's Advances?
“My husband (Joe) and I are both teachers. We used to be at the same school, so we have a bunch of mutual friends from there. I changed schools a few years ago.
A few months ago, we went out with some mutual friends from his school, including a counselor (Claire).
There has always been something about Claire that I just didn’t care for, but I’ve always been polite. At this outing, everybody was drinking and Claire propped up her legs under the table so that they were right next to Joe. I found it odd and flirty, but let it go at the time.
A little while later I cursed during conversation and Claire very loudly pointed out that there were kids at the table behind us. It was 10 pm in a bar and I hadn’t seen them sit down. Maybe she was just making sure I knew, but it felt like she was trying to make me look bad by being so loud.
At the end of the night I got up to use the restroom before leaving and she flipped me off with both hands. I caught it out of my peripheral vision and Joe saw it, too. On the way home, I told him I didn’t like her behavior and would prefer to not be around her anymore.
I did not tell Joe that he could not interact with her, just that she made me uncomfortable. He thought I was overthinking but has not attended social events that Claire would also attend.
Towards the end of the school year, my maintenance guy (Ben) asked me out for drinks.
I politely declined knowing that Ben is not all there. I told my friend, Kate, about it, and she said he was creepy and weird. Kate’s husband, John, is the maintenance supervisor and Ben’s boss. Over the summer, Ben was fired for a myriad of reasons and one of them was inappropriate comments he was making about me to John.
Ben had told John that we were all hot and heavy and he couldn’t wait until school started back so he could see me every day. John called Ben on his lie stating that Kate and I are good friends. Ben said if that was that John should verify where I live.
John immediately disengaged, went to our principal, and reported the interaction out of concern for my safety. Kate and I hung out today and she told me about all of this.
I called Joe and started the conversation with “Remember the creepy guy who asked me out…” and he didn’t.
I thought I had told Joe, but I guess I forgot. I thought Joe would be concerned that Ben was trying to figure out where we live, but he’s upset at me for not telling him about the interaction and calling me a hypocrite.
I think there are huge differences in the situation. Ben is not part of our social circle and is not exactly mentally stable (he has a record including breaking and entering). I declined Ben’s advances, which Joe didn’t even recognize from Claire. I also really thought I had told him about the initial interaction and didn’t realize I hadn’t.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Are you sure you forgot? Maybe it’s your husband who forgot. Your husband saw a woman flip you off with two hands and then told you that you were overthinking things for not wanting to hang out with her? A weird guy with a history of breaking and entering has a weird obsession with you and got FIRED for it??
And your husband is like, more concerned about keeping score than about your safety?? Does he normally have a huge disregard for your safety? This is really serious stuff, this guy knows where you work, he knows your schedule and can easily follow you home.
Your husband needs to get his head out of his behind and be serious.” XianglingBeyBlade
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I can see that you have carefully worded paragraph two to make it seem like there wasn’t a precedent set up, but it clearly was: “We don’t hang out with Claire, any form of hanging out with Claire alone is considered unfaithful, and I am to be informed if my husband spends time alone with Claire.” It would have been a No Jerks here situation if it weren’t for the point that OP has clearly minimized her dislike of this … individual…
in order to try to take away responsibility for telling her husband about the situation with Ben. This, combined with the “I forgot” excuse, is what sends this over the top for me. Believe me, your husband didn’t forget whether or not he was told about OP getting asked out.” Petefriend86
7. AITJ For Breaking The Joint Birthday Party Tradition For My Son's Sake?
“My son “James” was born a couple days before my stepdaughter’s son “Alfie”. For all of their birthdays so far, we have thrown them a joint birthday party. The boys are very close, and people often refer to them as twins.
Despite their closeness they are very different boys; they also attend different schools so have different sets of friends.
Alfie is very confident and boisterous. Whereas James can be quite shy and anxious. These different personality types have often meant that Alfie takes charge in their relationship and bosses James around.
For the most part he doesn’t seem to mind.
James obviously has adult siblings from his dad, but we have 5 kids together and I have a teen son. Because James has lots of siblings, nieblings, and cousins, he’s seeming to always get lost in the mix as he’s the least outgoing of the bunch.
For my kids birthdays I let them pick between a birthday party or an event/outing. James decided that instead of a birthday party he wanted to go to a monster truck show. After he decided this, I let my stepdaughter know that if she threw a party for Alfie, it wouldn’t be a joint party.
I told she and her kids were welcome to come with us to the monster truck show. We will also be bringing one of James’ friends. This is the first time in a few years he is actually getting to do what he wants for his birthday rather than doing what Alfie wants.
She argued the boys could both go to the monster truck show and have a party. I told again that James isn’t having a party because he decided what he wanted instead. She thinks because we can afford to do both the party and show we should because it’s been tradition for so long.
I argued with her that there was always going to be a point where they stopped sharing birthday parties and now is as good as time as ever. She really seemed unnecessarily upset about the party, especially as it didn’t seem like Alfie cared either way.
A couple days ago my husband came to me and asked if we couldn’t just do the joint party as well. Obviously, his daughter had gone to him complaining about it and me being unfair to the kids. She told him Alfie was really upset about them not doing a joint party.
I was there when we told Alfie and he didn’t care and asked for a laser tag party. I again told him I didn’t want to do that because it’s unfair to make the exception for one kid while his siblings have always had to pick and may want to do both in the future as well.
He said in the future we could just let them pick both.
My husband was the one who made the rule when my oldest wanted to go to a theme park for his birthday.
I feel like none of this should be a big deal and don’t understand why everyone seems so upset about it when the boys don’t care.
Am I being the jerk? Should I just let them have their joint party as well?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I don’t understand why your son can’t attend the party as a guest, just like any other family member or friend, with the understanding that it is not his party, he will not be getting presents, he will not be choosing the theme, and only Alfie’s name will be on the cake/in the happy birthday song.
Is the stepdaughter unable financially to throw her kid the kind of party they want on their own?” Zora74
Another User Comments:
“NTJ The only opinion that matters is James’. I would ask him if he would feel bad if this year’s party is only Alfie’s.
Obviously clarifying that the monster truck thing is his choice. If James doesn’t feel bad about it, then you can tell everyone else to suck it. The birthday boy decides. Your duty is to your kid. Not Alfie. Let your step daughter deal with him if he is truly upset (which I doubt).” redditeamos
6. AITJ For Cutting Off My Twin Brother From My Car Rental Account After Repeated Violations?
“Ok so. First, I want to start off by saying that I grew up extremely poor and after the passing of my mom, I went into foster care with two of my siblings. I had poor grades but was able to improve, graduate high school and college while homeless, get a high-paying job, my first apartment, and later on my first car with very low miles.
I was extremely proud of my achievements. But sometimes I feel like my family is a little jealous because they did not grab on to the same opportunities as I did and they often make me feel bad. I was even told by the youngest sibling that it was my responsibility to keep my mom alive and to take care of them.
That’s another story for another day. I am the only one in my family to go to college and make the money that I do.
Fast forward, my twin brother has always held this attitude about the fact that I did not buy a 1998 flipped car from him that had extremely high miles and probably would last only a month.
I decided that I wanted something newer but still used it with low miles (42k miles) and didn’t mind paying it off over the years (took me only a year and a half!). I love my car but my family heard “we got a car” instead of “I got a car.”
My twin made me feel guilty so I started to let him use my car since I worked from home. Everything was fine until the tickets started rolling in. Now, I would make him pay them because I’d be darned if I paid them.
But I forgave him and let him continue. Mind you, he’s not financially stable in the slightest.
Fast forward to a new job and I start using my car more because I no longer work from home, and I am more social. But, whenever I would leave town he would get upset that I did not let him know so that he could “protect” my car while I was gone (aka, use it and drive crazy).
I got tired of him using my car so I decided to get him cars using my zip car rental account and would even pay for some of the rentals. Bad decision. My family has a way of making me feel bad just because I am a little, and I do mean a little, more accomplished in life and have no kids and clear goals about what I want to do.
So I let him and his partner use my account and the tickets roll in, bank accounts constantly in the negative, messing up my funds and causing me to rack up credit card debt to cover bills until tickets were paid.
So one day I got tired of this and decided to use chat GPT to craft a convincing email addressed to myself from zip car stating that the account was deactivated due to repeated violations.
I changed the passwords and kicked all devices out of the account. Now they have lost their jobs because they have no way to get to work. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You need to protect yourself. You’ve done plenty for your siblings but are under zero obligation.
They, however, are obligated to treat your car and accounts with utmost respect. They did not do that. When you exhibit a pattern of bad behavior, you lose privileges. I’m sorry if they struggle to get to work, that does suck, but they need to take some responsibility.
Or the bus.” HDeuce
5. AITJ For Telling My Temperamental Friend To Work On His Anger Issues?
“Me Clara (30) and my friend Bryan (35) have been friends for around twenty years. He’s always been pretty sensitive, and also very passionate about stuff he does.
He’ll go off on tangents for hours about his favorite sports team or his games. The problem is more or less his explosions. When someone doesn’t agree with Bryan, contradicts him, or tells him off, he becomes defensive and angry. To the point of completely exploding and screaming.
I’ve seen him do this to his mother and father both, of who are elderly at this point in his life. He’s the youngest of three.
He has kicked doors in, shoved us, and just goes ballistic if you ignore or walk away from him.
He has also, upon occasion, ruined game nights due to his sulking. He will ‘brood’ if he is unhappy with the game or the reaction of one of the players. He hates to lose and will always push to play games where either everyone loses, or everyone can win.
When someone does win, you’re very rarely allowed to bask in the victory as this might trigger a full-on outburst. These outbursts usually happen around once a month, but it can happen once every couple of weeks, depending on his mood. He never apologizes for the incidents and will often put the blame on the other person for ‘looking for trouble’.
Essentially, he never takes responsibility for his temper.
I mostly tried to accept his sensitive side as part of his character, but then he took a strong dislike to his sister-in-law. At first, it was just a small tiff, but it got worse and worse, to the point that he would now outright name-call her behind her back.
Attack her character, and her personality and will actively try and get his parents to dislike her. She, for the most part, is aware of his disdain, but they barely see each other so she mostly ignores him. It all came to a head when, while I was visiting his parents (his brother is my partner), he started screaming at his elderly father over the phone about this sister-in-law.
It got to the point where his father could barely breathe after the incident, and we almost had to take him to hospital. He has serious heart problems.
I got fed up with this. With the outbursts and the anger, I phoned him and told him that he needed to cut this crap.
If he didn’t stop, his father would die of a heart attack. I told him he had to let his anger go, and that being so bitter about everything isn’t helping anyone.
It’s at this point he said that he was ‘Misunderstood’ and that ‘he’s just honest about stuff’ and that ‘my parents never even tried to understand me!
I’ve been hurting my entire life. Fed up with all of this I told him, point blank “Stop playing the victim card, and start working on your temper!” He threw the phone down and now he’s cut ties with his parents as well. Am I the jerk for telling it straight?
I get he was upset, and that I could have worded it better, or stayed out of this entirely. But I am at my wits end with this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ He physically shoves you when angry. I wouldn’t accept that from anyone unless I had somehow caused them grievous, traumatic, lasting harm.
He is not your friend, he is a narcissist and a violent one. Be careful, distance yourself, and don’t deal with him anymore.” WorldsWritten
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, good for you for finally saying something. My youngest brother was a LOT like this growing up, finally with therapy and going through boot camp with the Marines ended that behavior.
We so desperately tried for years to get him to stop, because we knew at some point something terrible would come from it (either for him or the person/people he was arguing with) – such a relief when he finally got help and his best friends all gave him a Hail Mary speech in order to save the relationship (ultimatum of fixing his anger or he would lose everyone he loved).
I’m sure his family appreciated it more than you know – stay strong.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s damaging the people around him and his relationships. He may not have been ready to hear what you said – but from what you told us, he’s never really ready to hear criticism.
So it might take some time for him to understand what you said but most likely, that’s not your fault. Also – even IF a difficult childhood plays a role here and his parents did a bad job – he’s old enough to finally process things instead of taking it out on everybody (including people who are not his parents).
And a childhood friend like you might be one of the very few people who even have a CHANCE to be the right person to tell him that. But you also have the right to remove yourself, if you need to. Having to tiptoe in fear of screams and outbursts, even violence can take a serious toll on you.” justfindingout96
4. AITJ For Confronting My Mother-In-Law Over Her Disrespectful Behavior At A Buffet?
“For context, my in-laws are from another country and began living with us about 6 weeks ago, they’ll be here for about 7 months. I know, recipe for disaster. My mother-in-law and I had about 2-3 instances of friction; she’s constantly trying to assert dominance.
We reconciled and moved on or so I thought. Now, it just seems personal and she’s trying to push buttons.
We were eating at a Chinese buffet. They annihilated the seafood section piling discarded bodies of crabs, shrimp, and crawdads on plate after plate. They know I don’t like seafood.
In their feeding frenzy, a shrimp found its way onto the floor. My mother-in-law reached down to pick it up and I said leave it! Please leave it! She picked it up. She reached across the table and put it on my plate. I’d just finished eating, but I was absolutely disgusted. I moved the plate to the end of the table saying ‘Ugh unbelievable!’ looking absolutely disgusted. She’s overweight and she had to make an effort to reach.
Her finished plate was directly in front of her, she could more easily place the dirty floor shrimp on her own discarded plate. For a split second, it seemed she would.
After I moved the plate, she remained standing across from me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her cross her arms and just stare at me.
I glanced over and saw a smug smirk on her face with a tinge of challenge. I gave her a ‘what do you want’ look and looked away. She continued to stare. I started getting annoyed. I got up and said to my husband as he came back to the table from the buffet, I’m going for a walk I’ll meet you outside.
When I got outside I texted him what happened. I cooled off a bit and decided I wasn’t just going to let her keep walking all over me. 10 minutes later he calls to tell me to meet them at the car. My mother-in-law is completely sweet as if nothing just happened. I said calmly, ‘I would appreciate it if you would stop being rude to me.’ Immediately she shrilled with wide eyes and feigned innocence ‘ Me?
What did I say? Me, be rude to you? Why would I be rude to you when you’re so kind to me? I wasn’t rude! What!’ And continued repeating in that vein. I couldn’t get a word in. I felt like I was suddenly transported to some weird soap opera.
Her absolute act just made me angry again. When I explained the offense she of course denied any wrongdoing saying she ‘put it on your plate because you were finished!’ Yes, and absolutely leaning over your own finished plate to ensure you plop it directly in front of me.
She said ‘You’re ridiculous, this is too much!’ Etc, but in her own language so meaning is hard to convey. ‘You were finished, right? So what’s the problem?’ I wasn’t given the chance to explain the crossed arms and the stare. My husband immediately took her side asking why I was attacking his mom.
It’s now blown way out of proportion, mother-in-law crying crocodile tears saying she’s going to take a plane back to their home country ASAP”
Another User Comments:
“Quite honestly after reading this the only thing I think you should be doing is showing your remorse for your actions by purchasing the mother-in-law a one-way flight back home.
Just to be sure pack her stuff and order the Uber so she doesn’t miss her flight” Full_Campaign5430
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give My Friend His Cat Back After Two Years?
“Okay, let’s go back ~5 years when I (now 24M) and my friend “Brandon” (now 23M) were living together. I bought him a kitten, “Fluffy”, for his birthday. Fluffy ended up having some conditions that required extra care during the first month or so of his life (trying to be vague here, sorry).
Anyway, as time passed, Fluffy stopped requiring extra care, we handled the vet, neuter, etc. We decided to put the vet stuff under Brandon’s name only, but we split the costs.
Later, Brandon returned the favor and bought me a kitten, “Derpy”, for my birthday.
Derpy and Fluffy were the best friends I’ve ever seen after only a week, they were obsessed with each other. Fluffy was still under a year old and was psyched to have a playmate. We couldn’t believe how well they got on. They preferred each other out over us, over food, over toys, it was crazy.
When we took Derpy to the vet for the first time, we couldn’t even separate the pair, they ended up coming in the same cat carrier.
In 2021 at the end of our lease, Brandon and I made the decision to separate. I agreed then that he would have Fluffy and I would take Derpy.
On reflection, I think this was a bad decision for us to have made. We should have considered the consequences of splitting up a bonded cat pair like that before actually committing to it. They sort of stopped being mine or his after a while, in my opinion, they are each other’s.
Anyway, Brandon actually ended up moving in with some other friends and one has a very severe cat allergy. So both Derpy and Fluffy ended up moving with me.
In these last two years that I’ve had full custody, Brandon has come around to see the cats maybe 5 times.
He and I lived less than 2 miles from each other. At this point, the cats don’t like him when they do see him, he hasn’t paid for anything, and these cats spend every waking moment with me. They cuddle up with each other at my waist every single night.
I love them so freaking much man and I know how much they love each other too.
In March this year, I had to move suddenly for work, 100+ miles away from Brandon, who is now telling me that he’s considering moving in with his partner, asking for his cat back, once he finds a place, and I’ve just been avoiding the question.
I know an easy solution would be to just give him Fluffy and Derpy together, I don’t want to. I can’t lose them now. I’ve been having panic attacks just thinking about it.
But I think I’d be the jerk for not even giving Brandon the option of taking both and instead just telling him I’m keeping them.
I know even though I’ve done all the caretaking recently, during Fluffy’s early life, Brandon was responsible for so much, especially during the nights because Fluffy slept in Brandon’s room. I know how much Fluffy means to him and how important raising him was. It doesn’t seem fair of me to prioritize my need for Fluffy now over Brandon’s.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all, it’s crazy that he didn’t bother to visit his cat or pay for any of his care for two years (ignoring the few times he visited). I would definitely consider the advice given above about proposing to give him the money for a new cat.
as a cat mom I’m also an avid believer in not disrupting bonded cat groups. on top of that, he has not shown any interest in the cat whatsoever, and you’ve been paying for him like he’s your own. what does he expect, really?” friesianbred
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – two years is too long to ask for him back. It’s not like asking for an old coffee table to be returned. The cats are used to each other and to you. It’s not fair to split them up now.
Tell him you don’t want to unsettle them now and if you feel generous offer to buy him a new cat when he’s found somewhere to live.” idontlikemondays321
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Unless you split the cats up, which would border on cruelty.
Brandon would give them a good home. They would have a good home with you. You simply need to decide which of you gets them. Giving them up to Brandon would be a very kind thing to do. Keeping them for yourself would be OK too.
Just find a solution that keeps them together.” grckalck
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give My Partner The "Princess Treatment" While In College Debt?
“I m(20) have been seeing my partner f(20) for a year now. We started seeing each other at the end of our freshman year and only saw each other on the weekends during the summer. We go on monthly outings to sushi where we will always split the bill which was never a problem.
I am currently a college student taking student loans while her parents are covering all of her expenses. I would still buy her the usual gifts for occasions like anniversaries, and valentines and didn’t surprise her with gifts, which was never a problem.
Recently she has been watching some TikToks where girls talk about having a traditional man and how if they care about their partners they will give them “princess treatment”.
The argument started when she asked me to buy her surprise gifts more since I am making 17$ an hour this summer to which I agreed. She then added I should take her on outings and pay for the entire expense sometimes, to which I agreed. Then she said it should be monthly and that I spend 60$ on her for these outings to which I mentioned how I don’t think I have enough money to be comfortable doing that.
I wagered that I could do that if I cut back on covering her occasional meals where about 30-40% of the time I will offer to cover her meal. These meals I cover are fast food, but by cutting back on this I would feel more comfortable buying surprise gifts and covering her outings.
However, she said she wanted to feel princess treatment and wanted me to do both. She said that if I can’t take her out to a 60$ dinner I need to reevaluate how much I care about her. I told her I don’t feel comfortable doing that this year and that next year I could do that when I get a higher-paying job over the summer to which she hung up on me and wouldn’t answer my calls back.
I currently have about 1,000 in my bank account which is the same as hers and we are in similar-paying jobs. I am only a rising junior in college and already have 25,000$ of college debt. I tried to get her to see my side but she won’t budge.
I pay for most of my expenses, whether it’s groceries, gas, or gym membership. I am pretty much financially independent other than the fact I get some meals provided by my mom and a roof over my head. It’s really hard for me to get her to see my side since she has no financial responsibilities as her parents pay for everything.
I have no problem with doing what she proposed starting next summer when I will hopefully make 20$ an hour but I can’t help but wonder if this is a red flag or if I am the jerk. Ever since she watched the TikToks on having princess treatment and how if a man won’t give you that he doesn’t care about you she hasn’t budged. This is my first relationship and I’m kind of feeling defeated. I love her to death and would bend over backwards for her but I feel like taking that financial risk will overwhelm me.
I don’t know what to do. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“What are you doing with such a materialistic, demanding woman who doesn’t comprehend or respect your financial reality? Do you actually want a life with such a partner? Someone who’s making relationship requirements based on what she sees on TikTok?
Forget about the princess treatment and think about the heave-ho treatment. You’ve seen the red flag. It’s waving right in front of you. Don’t ignore it. NTJ” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“NTJ dude, this is a massive red flag. She is making unrealistic financial demands.
That means she doesn’t care about you or your future. The second issue…she is being sucked in by crap she sees on tik tok. Is she so stupid that she cannot see the reality of the situation? If she lacks the ability to see how shallow this princess thing is, do you really want to be with her?
I couldn’t be with someone that vapid. Ditch this girl and find someone who is happy living within the means of college kids. Find someone who is willing to live lean until you guys finish school and get established. If she is not taking your calls over this ridiculous princess treatment, stop calling her.
You can do way better” sawta2112
Another User Comments:
“The fact that she has decided that the strength of your feelings for her can be measured in how much you spend on her is a huge red flag. “Being treated like a princess” is frankly nonsense.
Do you really want to pour money into her as a way to prove your feelings? You want a partner; she wants a sugar daddy. Is she going to buy you surprise gifts? Is she going to buy you dinners? Take you out? How much of this is her being greedy and not wanting to reciprocate?
Sure, everybody wants to be treated and pampered, but it’s pretty meaningless if you have to demand it, and even more, it’s destructive to you and your financial well-being. Do not fall into this trap. I think you need to take a major step back and really think about whether this is someone who cares about you the way you care for her because I don’t think so.
NTJ” corgihuntress
1. AITJ For Refusing To Attend My Ex-Sister-In-Law's Wedding With My Kids?
“The amount of lies she’s told about me/my kids is despicable and it’s one of the leading causes of mine and my ex’s marriage breaking down. A few things to give context:
– “Deadly and brother are wasting time and money, their son is not autistic he’s just not intelligent”
– I was told day before my father’s funeral by her mother that her and the other sister keep saying how it’s such a shame it was my father that died instead of me, at least if I had died instead the kids would still have a good role model instead of a mean person like me
– She stole money and took out loans in her parents names so between the money she stole, not paying the loans having them go from their account and loans interest over $10k. Their Dad found it all and asked me for help. When their mum found out SIL said I had stolen it all and framed SIL.
Now, she’s getting married soon and has invited her brother and our kids. Son has autism, he can’t cope with crowds. Doesn’t help he knows no one other than his dad/nanny that’ll be there. Neither of our kids know their aunts as son saw them at a family funeral in 2019 when he was 7, they ignored him and hasn’t even had a Xmas card since, daughter saw them in 2018 when she was 4 and never again.
Neither are my choices/actions. Their dad just refuses to put in effort to see his family I stopped trying to force it.
Nanny has 0 patience with my son and actively calls him stupid to his face so we don’t let her be alone with him, leaving dad who is a fantastic father don’t get me wrong.
However, he’s not great at socialising, looking after son and looking after daughter all at the same time. He could do it no issue with daughter, with son would be stressful but fine, not with both alone so they want me to go with.
Son has already said he doesn’t want to go as nanny has repeated in front of him what EX-SIL has said.
Daughter refuses to go without me as she only knows daddy and nanny and thinks neither will keep her entertained so it’s going to be boring. To be honest I’m not sure if she actually wants to go or not but if I go she’s happy to go.
I don’t want to be there. She has openly admitted she’s only invited me as she thinks it’s going to be weird if her niece and nephew aren’t at her wedding and knows they won’t go without me. Son will go if I go but only out of obligation.
Kids are perfectly happy not going. At first ex seemed fine with me and the kids not going but he’s clearly spoken to his family and now he’s calling me a “manipulative, drama queen jerk” for refusing to go and saying I’m purposefully trying to ruin his sister’s wedding making her look like a bad aunt.
She doesn’t know her niece and nephew’s ages let alone rough months they were born, she doesn’t need me to make her look like a bad aunt, she does it all by herself! This is a perfect example of what our marriage looked like to be honest lol.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your only responsibility is to the kids, and your son needs to be kept away from his aunt and nanny if they speak to him like that. Also, they need to not see you treated like this. Dad can just say it would be too much for them both if he needs an excuse.” sarcastic-pedant
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she doesn’t deserve you or your children at her wedding. She only wants them there so she doesn’t look bad. Take your kids out for the day and have fun Question about the money. Did the MIL believe her ?
Does she believe you stole the money ?” Realistic-You9997
