People Are Eager For Our Stance On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Calling The Police On My Fiancé After He Stole My Car?
“My fiance (28M) and I (30F) have been together for 3 years, I used to live close to work and used public transportation but after I moved into his house which is hours away from work I bought myself a car since I’m a nurse and also since there aren’t any hospitals close to where we live that I could transfer to.
My fiance’s car hasn’t been working for close to 2 months now, It requires so much money to get it fixed and he refused my financial help when I offered it.
Instead, he would ask to use my car every now and then and I agreed as long as it’s when I’m not working and also since he only uses it for trips to the supermarket, etc.
On new years eve, he told me he wanted to use my car to go hang out with his friends and celebrate but I declined because I had to cover a night shift and needed my car to travel to work.
He insisted and even suggested I take the night off or swap shifts with another nurse but I couldn’t do that last minute.
I thought he dropped it then but when I went into the shower and got out I couldn’t find him or my car, I freaked out and started calling for half an hour but he didn’t answer me, I tried again til one of his friends picked up, I demanded he gives the phone to my fiance but he said they were out and confirmed that he took my car and told me that my fiance said that it’s better that I skip my shift and he’ll be back with my car later.
I couldn’t take it I felt so enraged I had my fiance on the phone telling him I did not consent for him to take my car to go hang out with friends and said I’d call the police to get it back if he refused to come back with it, but he didn’t take me seriously so I ended up calling the police and he and his friends were picked up at the bar where they were hanging out, then were taken to the police department.
I got my car from there and still went to my shift, my fiance was let go hours after I left and he blew up my phone with missed calls and texts about how I was out of my mind to call the police on him and put him in this situation.
I did not respond but when I got off work the next day we got into an argument and he said he couldn’t believe I’d do this to him but I told him he made me do this to which he responded that I was petty and callous because not only did I ruin his new year’s celebration, but all his friends aren’t speaking to him after I put them in this situation as well and he then kept giving me silence about it.
I did consider this a form of theft especially since he went behind my back after getting a ‘NO’ from me, but he was shocked that I’d even imply that he was a thief and said what’s yours is mine and vice versa so I shouldn’t be using the terms ‘theft and stealing.'”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your fiance just waved an avenue of red flags and made it very clear he doesn’t have any respect for you. He’d rather take your car and knowingly leave you in a bad situation than just take your offer to pay to have his fixed, that doesn’t make a bit of sense.
Was his friend not able to pick him up?
In your situation, you may not want to continue to cohabitate with someone you had to call the cops on and put going to a party ahead of your being able to get to work.
You should consider taking yourself and anything that’s important to you out of his house asap and finding yourself a temporary place to stay.” Charlie_Parkers_Mood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He stole your car and is yelling at you about it? I hope you’re reconsidering your engagement as in flushing the ring down the toilet. This is a clear sign of things to come in such a marriage.
You even offered to help pay for repairs to his car but he’s too proud perhaps to accept your help but not too proud to resort to grand theft and also putting your own livelihood in jeopardy by making you a possible no-show.
Seeing what his reaction was, you should see if it’s not too late to press charges.” scrapfactor
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your fiance really really is. He showed you some major disrespect by taking off with your car after you said no. You called him and did everything you could to get a hold of him and asked him to bring the car back.
You can’t risk losing your job so he could go to a party that’s absolute nonsense. He should have made plans in advance for what he was going to do for new year’s and relying on your vehicle is not it.
He is making you out to be the bad person in this instead of taking responsibility and apologizing for his screw up.” newbri89
20. AITJ For Wishing My Mom Would Stop Talking About My Past?
“I (F) have recently turned 18 and have finally gotten somewhere with my life. I got accepted into an art school and have started gaining a small amount of popularity on my art-related social media.
Things have been going well, but as things have improved for me, my mum has started to bring up my past and I’ve been feeling guilty about my success.
At 9 I was diagnosed with autism. My parents told people to spread awareness of my differences, but when the kids my age found out I was bullied. I dealt with it, but at age 12 I finally snapped.
At the time I was attending a small school that hated me because of it. I was bullied by students and teachers alike, forced to stay inside during lunch to do extra work, and wasn’t allowed to eat until I’d completed everything so usually went a whole day without anything to eat or drink.
One lunchtime it all got too much to deal with and I had the most severe mental breakdown I’d ever had. The nurse took me into a small medical room and left me there alone for hours in the dark.
They’d refused to call my mum saying they could deal with it. I was forced to watch the footage of the atomic bombs after three hours spent alone in that room and was mentally scarred by what I saw.
I left school that day.
After that, I ended up locking myself away in my house because I was afraid. During those three years, I became aggressive. I couldn’t trust anyone and lashed out often.
My family suffered a lot because of me. I did things I regret heavily and wish I could just undo.
In 2017 I found art and started drawing. It led to my mental recovery.
Because of art, I was able to live again. I had a way to cope and had a way to express my emotions safely. My OCs provided me with a coping mechanism that I still use to this day.
I was able to apologize and they all forgave me.
With art, I was able to get back into school and I worked my butt off to get into art school.
In four months I spent every hour I could working to get in. I did. I finally felt that I was able to be a person again and not a monster.
However, my mum has been bringing things up and I don’t know why.
I don’t know what her intentions are but it makes me feel guilty. Suddenly I feel that I don’t deserve to be successful with my art or that I don’t deserve to be attending art school because I’m a bad person.
I’m constantly thinking ‘why do people support you when you don’t deserve it?’ ‘You’re horrible so people shouldn’t like you.’ I know it’s likely not her intention to make me feel bad.
She has the right to hate me for what I’ve done, but I’d rather she didn’t do it in front of me as it’s making me miserable.
She’s also been yelling at me because I’ve been drawing so that adds to my guilty feeling about it.
Sorry, this is a bizarre ask but I’d just like to know if I deserve this.
AITJ?
Edit: Some people suggested that I add some of the things she has been saying to me here.
It’s been things like ‘to make up for all you’ve done you need to do x amount of chores’ or ‘it’s your aggression/behavior that has caused this’.
Last year she came to me out of nowhere and claimed that I almost caused her and my dad to have a divorce as well. As well as this stuff I’ve also been accused of ruining people’s lives such as my sister who claims that she’d never thought that.
I do all of the cooking and cleaning in my household and I do enjoy it, just would rather some of the things I do not be because of some old emotional debt I have to pay off… Or at least not be reminded of it each time.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The school system failed you. Your parents failed you. The behaviors you exhibited were a result of their failures, not yours. The fact that you have found your own outlet that helps with your mental health and been able to use that so well that you were accepted into art school just shows what a resilient, highly adaptable, and intelligent person you are.
Don’t ask yourself, ‘Why do people support you when you don’t deserve it?’ Ask, ‘Where were the people who were supposed to be supporting me as a child when I needed them?'” beanomly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You do not deserve this. You suffered greatly, in part because your parents failed to protect you.
You justifiably had a period of time when your emotional reaction to that suffering was difficult for both you and your family. Sadly that’s not an uncommon thing. Often what happens in a family that has one person become ill, the family becomes ill.
Sadly as the person begins to become healthy the family doesn’t necessarily become healthy too. My sense is that this may be the case with your mother.
From where I stand I think you should be incredibly proud of yourself.
You have worked so hard to become the person you are meant to be, something I have no doubt was not an easy journey. You had no control over what happened to you and how you reacted during a time of great duress.
I repeat you do not deserve this and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Hold your head up high and enjoy your wins.” LynnChat
Another User Comments:
“Ok, so first off, NTJ.
Second, holy cow, what kind of school were you in? Because it sure sounds like prison. Shame on them for doing that to you, and shame on your parents for not taking care of you and your mental/physical health when you were growing up.
If that had happened to my child, I would have cleaned out that whole school. No lie. I can’t see any reason why your mother would have for bringing up your past. You, OP, have no reason for feeling guilty for what happened and your responses to the trauma inflicted by the school, teachers, and your mother.
I am very proud of you for finding an outlet through you to channel everything. I would suggest either low contact or no contact with your mom. Ain’t nobody got time for that nonsense.” ceastwood1963
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite My Grandma To My Wedding?
“My grandmother is VERY religious and I am not. I have no problem with religion by any means, but she has a tendency to shove her beliefs down everyone’s throats.
I (F21) and my partner (M25) at first didn’t plan on getting married but recently made the decision to. We’re very happy with each other and committed. However, neither of us wants a traditional wedding.
We both have a lot of Scottish history in our family so we wanted to do something along those lines.
The main reason I don’t want to invite her is that she’s known to make a spectacle and make things about herself.
My parents were gonna get married in Scotland, but she guilted them into having a traditional wedding. She also married a creep after divorcing my grandfather, and she tries to bring him around me even after I made it clear I don’t want him anywhere near me.
I feel bad about not inviting her, but somehow any event I’ve invited her to, she’s somehow made it about her.
For example, on my 18th birthday, she invited a bunch of people to MY house that I didn’t know.
One of which constantly made horrid remarks about gay people. Which really stuck with me because I am bi. Not only that, one of the people she invited got really wasted and left crying.
I really don’t want something like that to happen again, and I really don’t want her making snide remarks at MY wedding just because it’s not in a church.
I’ve come close to cutting her off due to her awful homophobic, and bigoted comments. Still, I’m conflicted. We used to be very close, but at this point, every conversation we have is about her trying to change my beliefs and such.
I’m not sure what to do.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wedding, your choice. You have boundaries set and she constantly crosses them as if they’re not important.
Your boundaries are very important. She also should not be making those types of remarks especially since you’re bi, she’s obviously doing it to hurt you as does her partner.
You will most likely have a peaceful wedding without her there. Do not let anyone guilt trip you into inviting her. Congratulations and good luck!” theAtheistKliq666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If Grandma can’t sit down, be quiet, and behave herself – she has no business coming to an event as important and special as your wedding. Tell her you didn’t invite her (after you’re already married) because you were worried about her health during the crisis.
Show her a video and be done with it.” NUT-me-SHELL
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’ll likely need the help of your friends and other family to mitigate the fallout of this but you’re within your rights to not have people at your wedding with a history of drama.
This may be difficult for many in your family to understand.” prove____it
18. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For Everything My Mom Wants?
“I am 15 years old. My Dad passed away in December of 2017, I have been living with my grandparents who are well off since then.
They are financially stable because my grandpa is working 2 jobs. So we have a decent amount of money and I am very fortunate about that.
My Mom changed over the years.
She used to be relatively nice to be around. She can’t hold down a job, any job. She often straight-up lies about working, although she has gotten a job and has been holding it down for about 2 weeks now.
She lives with her mother in a small house about an hour away from me. They do not have a lot of money, and she brings it up frequently. She asked me for my 2020 MacBook pro repeatedly for over a month even though she knows I use it almost every day for school.
I guess she got tired of asking by the end because she called me a little jerk for not giving it to her in her last-ditch effort to get it.
My Mom never comes over, but then out of the blue, she comes over. She said that she wanted to go out to eat something tonight, she wanted Olive Garden.
So we went out to get Olive Garden because she wanted it. She said she was going to pay. I did not really want anything because I was not feeling too great but I ended up just getting a small thing of soup, keep in mind she said she was going to pay.
My Mom on the other hand ordered the whole menu, and the bill totaled a whopping 98 dollars. That’s not even including tips. After looking at the bill she kept on glancing at me, and I immediately knew she was wanting me to help pay.
I don’t have a lot of funds on me, and every dollar in my wallet is what I got for Christmas. So I hand over 10 dollars, and she gives me a disgusted look and tells me that’s barely anything.
So I give her another 10 and she says that it is still not enough, then I give her another 10 and says ‘forget it’. She took 30 dollars in total.
I was low on funds, and she said she needed to run into Walmart to get some stuff.
I said I would stay in the car. But she insisted I come in. We get in and she said my name in a sad tone. Yep, she was asking me to buy her stuff again.
‘Can you buy me this? It’s only 2 dollars’. I stood there for a bit before saying fine. But then she started walking around looking for more stuff, then in a blink of an eye, she was holding over 30 dollars worth of stuff.
‘I don’t want to pay for all of this stuff!’ I thought to myself. I needed to put my foot down. I said ‘I gave you your 2 dollars, and that’s it.
I don’t have the means to be doing this.’ She then said, ‘just give me some more funds, don’t be a brat.’ I was just sad that she said that, then she said that she paid for dinner even though I got one thing that came with the breadsticks.
I just ended up giving her 35 dollars in the end. To finish it all off she asked for my Beats Studio 3s on the way home. When I firmly said no she rudely said ‘I gave you 15 dollars for Christmas.'”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m so sorry your mother is that way. I had a mother who was like this, terrible with money and life responsibilities in general. When I hit my early teens and I started to get monetary gifts instead of actual presents, she would always manipulate me into giving them to her.
As I moved into adulthood she would constantly pull the ‘woe is me’ act in an effort for me to give her funds or items. She had a lot when my parents separated and divorced, she completely squandered it.
She also had many opportunities not to, but was so pigheaded and basically refused to listen to anyone. So she ended up losing everything. She had more opportunities over the years to be on her feet, but she constantly did things that were so dumb and self-serving (like Botox, plastic surgery, holidays, clothes) and still didn’t have it together.
So when she couldn’t make rent, whilst sporting a perfect manicure and new handbag – you just had to move on. She wouldn’t learn. I’ve been no contact for 7 years now (this is the teeniest tip of the iceberg with her) sometimes parents just aren’t great people and having them in your life, when they are like your mother is, just isn’t healthy for you.
It’s not to say she can’t turn it around, but that’s up to her. But right now, you’re 15… she isn’t your responsibility. You are NTJ, but she absolutely is.” albert_cake
Another User Comments:
“Sweetheart you are definitely NTJ!
Even if you give her every cent you have, she will never stop asking, and it will never be enough. She will make you feel sorry for her, and guilt trip you until you make it stop.
You mentioned that your grandparents want you to have a better relationship with her, you have to tell them what she is doing to you, and how it makes you feel.
Tell them if they want you to see her, they either have to be with you or make arrangements for your visits, where you won’t be in a position for her to ask for funds.
I know it can be hard, your mom should be taking care of you, and she isn’t. She is asking you to take care of her and is using guilt to make you do it.
That isn’t your job, and you don’t owe her anything.
Keep your money, and things, they are yours.
She might not be doing well right now but she is a grownup and should be finding ways to deal with her problems. She could go back to school, and learn new skills, she can get therapy to get her head straight, or could even get some sort of social assistance to pay her bills while she gets back on her feet.
These are all things she is capable of doing.
You can love her, and not give her anything. You can feel bad for her, and not give her your things.
You aren’t wrong, for not wanting to do it.” MorgainofAvalon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother is using you, she is financially and mentally mistreating you to get her way and what she wants.
When she asks to go out to dinner or go shopping with her, I would tell her ‘no, every time we go out, I’m always paying for everything for you, you’re the mother you should be buying me things.
It shouldn’t be the other way around. So until you can play the mother role and I the daughter, I will no longer go anywhere with you. If you do not want to stay within my boundaries, please do not contact me until you’re ready to’.
I’m so sorry your mother is treating you this way. You should never be put in this position. I’m a mother to a 17-year-old. I couldn’t imagine treating her this way.” theAtheistKliq666
17. AITJ For Calling The Cops On My Neighbors?
“So my province got a new curfew and we all have to be inside our homes at 10 pm. At 9:58 pm my roommate and I saw a car enter our driveway really quickly, open the light, grab a sleeping child, put them in his car, run inside again, grab another sleeping kid and put them in his car, and drive away really fast. The whole thing took less than 2 minutes and looked really suspicious as he hid his face in a black hood so my roommate took pictures and a video of him taking the second kid and leaving.
Because of the curfew, I am not allowed to go outside or I can get a 2k-6k fine so I called the police emergency line and asked them if I should go check if everyone’s safe but they told me to wait as 2 police cars were in my neighborhood.
They went to the apartment and it turned out that the person was babysitting their nieces and the dad ran because of the curfew. I didn’t want to cause trouble for anyone but I also wanted to make sure that the kids are safe.
Now I kinda feel bad for my neighbor as I just moved here a few months ago so I wanted to ask for your opinion.
AITJ for calling the cops on my neighbor?
Edit: The kids didn’t have winter jackets or shoes and here it was around -10 last night, they were only in their pajamas. As I said in my story, the whole thing took 2-3 minutes and he went so fast that I’m not sure how he was even able to fasten his kid’s seatbelts (both are under 5 years old).
Another neighbor told me before that the lady living there is a single mom so seeing a man leaving with the kids made me worry that something might’ve been wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“10 pm gets pretty dark during this time of year, add the urgency of curfew about to hit and you get a very suspicious situation. You were worried about kidnapping and decided to give authorities a call to let them know.
Worst case scenario, the police stop them, sees it was a mistake, and apologize, the person then moves on with their life. Best case, you prevented kidnapping. No harm no foul.
NTJ.
Side note, the police already happened to be in the neighborhood, it’s likely they would’ve been stopped anyways because of the curfew so even without your call they probably would’ve been stopped.” HotelPigeon
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You didn’t call the cops on your neighbor – you alerted the authorities to something that must have looked suspicious from your description.
There were no really bad consequences of you reporting this – but there could have been really bad consequences of you NOT reporting it” Elcapitan2020
16. AITJ For Being Mad At My Best Friend Over A Stolen Phone?
“The initial stealing of the phone came about 2 summers ago on a night my partner and I had a party.
My phone came up missing and I immediately suspected my partner’s brother as he does stuff like this. I was made out to be this huge piece of work for accusing him.
My best friend and I were having some drinks as it’s NYE and I bring up that specific incident and she tells me she KNOWS partner’s brother stole my phone and HAS KNOWN THAT THE ENTIRE PAST 2 years.
It’s not something she ‘forgot’ to tell me, she deliberately went out of her way to hide it from me. AITJ for flipping out about this? I could have saved myself $800 buying a new phone if she would have just told me.
Not only that, I’m upset, mainly, that she hid it from me.
Update: She messaged me today and acted like nothing happened. I called her and like screamed at her about how trashy of a person she is and how she was not capable of being a friend to me.
She started to argue and defend herself and then I slapped her The Hill’s best line every – Lauren to Heidi – ‘I want to forgive you and I want to forget you’.
Everyone is on my side, her partner actually is even on my side! He knew nothing about it even which almost makes it worse. She’s not the person I thought she is and I’ve decided to just leave it at what I said and deal with the closure myself.
She’s not my friend and she’s not allowed at our home anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and that person isn’t your best friend. They aren’t even a friend.
I was out for new year’s last night and wound up meeting up with a friend and a group of his friends I’d never met before. 10 min after meeting them it looked like a random guy may be trying to pickpocket one of them so I immediately told the dude, because no kidding.
Your alleged best friend didn’t bother to do anything when she knew you’d been robbed? Let alone even tell you she knew? Yeah. MAJOR sus. I’d have gone freaking nuclear on her.” binzoma
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner’s brother stole your phone and your friend hid the fact that she knew from you. Do they expect you not to be mad even if it was 2 years ago?
You’re mad that the brother stole it and mad at your friend for covering for him. Doesn’t sound like a true friend. So you have every right to be mad.
Now the brother should be made to pay you back for the phone or actions should be taken against him. You have proof of the theft now.” theAtheistKliq666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. By covering up his crime, your friend (ex-friend?) became an accomplice to the crime. Aiding in a crime is a crime in itself. Meaning, she’s not your best friend like you thought she was, she’s someone who wasn’t bothered by committing a crime against you.” AmazingJuniper
15. AITJ For Calling My Parents Heartless?
“When I (f23) was six years old I got a kitten for my birthday. She was the first ‘real’ pet I got that was mine (before that my mom had a couple of cats from before I was born and I’d had fish and hermit crabs before).
I couldn’t take her with me when I went off to college because I lived in the dorms for my first two years. A few years ago (my sophomore year) I came home from college for spring break.
Usually, when I would get home my cat would realize I was home within a couple of hours and come greet me.
After an evening home, I hadn’t seen her so I went looking around the house for her and noticed her food bowl and litterbox were gone.
I confronted my parents about this crying and my mom told me they had put her up for adoption a couple of weeks prior. I was heartbroken. I was upset they’d done this to my pet without consulting me (especially since I’d already had a plan to move into an apartment where I could’ve taken her in a few months) and I was heartbroken I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye.
I felt I didn’t really have a right to get upset though because, as my parents pointed out, they were the ones having to deal with all of her difficulties.
She was an older cat and was becoming increasingly incontinent so I’d get to come home and cuddle with her while they had to spend time cleaning up the pee-soaked carpet.
Anyway, skip ahead a few years and I’m mostly over it. Or I was. I came back home to visit my parents over the holiday break and was talking to my dad about what they’d done to my cat a few years ago and how it still made me sad sometimes.
He said a cat wasn’t worth getting that upset over since she doesn’t bond with us as dogs do, it’s just a cat, etc. He said they did everything as humanely as possible, so when she was euthanized she was comfortable.
Cue record scratch. I was shocked to tears once again that they had not only given away my cat without consulting but had actually had her put down. I got angry and upset and it turned into a heated conversation with both of my parents that ended with me basically calling them heartless and saying I don’t want to visit them anymore.
My mom was mad and upset and crying in her room and my dad was mad at me telling me I’m overreacting about a cat and should be thankful that they took care of her for as long as they did and that I ruined the visit by getting upset over something that happened years ago.
I feel a little bad about rehashing an old argument but this information was new to me and I just feel so sad and guilty that my cat was gone just because they didn’t want to take care of her anymore.
At the same time, I can get why they wouldn’t – it’s not their cat and she was becoming increasingly difficult with age. Maybe I did overreact but I’m having trouble feeling bad about what I said to them because I’m still so upset over learning that my cat died years ago.
AITJ?
Edit to add: To my knowledge, my cat had no serious health issues at the time other than incontinence and general loss of mobility/energy that comes with age.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Putting your cat down without consulting you first is massively immoral. Added to by them lying to you about it, continuing to insist they did nothing wrong, and trying to undermine you by claiming you’re overacting.
I’m sorry OP, that really sucks.” quiet1687
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I mean quality of life is very important and since it seems like you really checked out and had no clue what the quality of the cat’s life was maybe your parents did the right thing by putting him down.
I think part of the blame falls on you for pretty much dumping the cat off on your parents. I know you were in the dorm but there probably were options available to you but it was just easier for you to let your parents do all the work.
I also don’t see a lot of value in constantly bringing it up and discussing it. I try and live my life looking forward and not constantly looking back.” Barron_Landscape
Another User Comments:
“I literally spit out the water I was drinking when you said they euthanized her! What? Already you were NTJ before that, but after that oh my… totally NTJ.
That’s extremely heartless of your parents. There are many no-kill shelters they could’ve taken her to, posted on social media, etc. I’m so sorry for your loss.” External-Judgment-77
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
That cat was your family’s cat. You got it when you were too young to be solely responsible to care for it. I doubt you paid for food and vet visits when you were 6.
Then you moved out and left the cat to be the sole responsibility of your parents. Again, I am guessing you didn’t pay for the food, litter, and vet visits… The cat wasn’t your cat.
Your parents are jerks because they lied to you and because they didn’t give you a chance to say goodbye. Your father’s comments about cats were hurtful and untrue… Your feelings of anger are very valid.
It’s like you have to grieve the loss all over again. I am very sorry for that.” ClearWaves
14. AITJ For Not Leaving Leftovers For My Dad?
“My (23F) parents were teenagers when I was born and I ended up being raised mostly by my mom’s parents.
So they didn’t really parent me, although around the time I was 16 my mom started kinda trying to. This is all to say that my dad and I didn’t see much of each other until recently, my mom passed last year which amongst many other things prompted me to reach out to my dad and tell him I wanted to have an actual relationship with him.
He’s married now and has other kids (6F and 9M) and I hang around with their family sometimes. Babysit his kids sometimes, when his wife and he are both caught up in work.
I also go to family dinners and stuff on occasion.
Anyways when I’m over I cook for their kids since they need to eat, and I usually also make things I know they’ll want as snacks later.
I love cooking and the kids seem to like my cooking so why not? I’ll label toppers with their names so they don’t fight over it or anything. A couple of weeks ago his wife asked if it would be any trouble to leave her some leftovers or something since she likes my cooking, thus leaving my dad as the only person without a topper of food I made for them.
I see how this may come across as me specifically excluding him for whatever reason, but I have explained that his wife asked me to do that and I would have left him food too if he just asked and his kids get snacks because they’re kids but he’s convinced that it’s all an excuse and I’m actually holding a grudge against him for not raising me and letting it out through petty snack topper exclusion or something.
So now we’re on bad terms or something and my nana says I should apologize. I don’t think it’s my problem that he doesn’t believe me. I’ve explained.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He’s making you out to be the villain because you’re still the only one putting any effort into the relationship and he’s feeling guilty, so lashing out.
Please tell us that there is more to your relationship than cooking and babysitting his children.
Taking care of his family is NOT a relationship with him.
You may want to take a much closer look at your relationship with him. You may find that there isn’t one and may need to come to terms with that.” Veridical_Perception
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There is a big big difference between cooking for children versus for adult parents. Your stepmom’s request was already overstepping the line, you just didn’t realize this because you were flattered.
Who is paying for the ingredients? I hope it isn’t you.
Has your dad ever thanked you for cooking for your siblings and refrigerating the leftovers for them?
If he hasn’t: stop making toppers at all.
If he has: Change the pattern. Have no pattern. They now expect snacks from you, they take them for granted. Leave leftovers when it is convenient for you and no extra work – and then for everyone so no name labeling is needed. The next time, don’t leave snacks.
Make it unpredictable and don’t take ‘orders’/requests. You are not a restaurant. Don’t be a doormat and get treated like that.
If you get compliments that they like your food and that you should cook for them because they give you compliments – that is a big red flag.
They are not appreciating you, they are leeching off you.
Reply by appreciating their praise and offer to cook together – not FOR them anymore. And by together I really mean together – not you standing in the kitchen and them on the phone or watching TV.
Please beware that the family dynamics are heading in the completely wrong direction and if you don’t actively turn it around NOW this could turn ugly.” olagorie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if I understood it correctly you weren’t initially making family meals, only cooking for the kids and then their mom asked for it. Honestly, this seems fairly reasonable even if you did know your dad super well.
You weren’t trying to hurt him, you just didn’t know that this was something he wanted. And you’re absolutely right, it’s not your problem that he doesn’t believe you and if you apologize, it could make this, or at least future situations worse by giving him an excuse to think you’re being petty in the future.” L-Gray
13. AITJ For Breaking My Ex-Friend's Heart?
“About a year ago I (19f) cut off contact with a friend (22m) for making me uncomfortable & breaking my boundaries. Recently, my mom wished his mom a Merry Christmas & she ended up texting her not to contact her again since what I did to her son was too painful.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since my mom told me about it & I think I might have been a jerk.
When I was 16 we both started the same job.
We were friendly & enjoyed working together, but we hadn’t become good friends until just before my 18th birthday. We would talk & hang out at work & after a while, we would start going to his house & talking over discord.
It became very clear to me and all of our coworkers (even our managers) how big of a crush he had on me, I’m gay so I obviously wasn’t interested, but back then not a lot of people knew.
At first, I tried to ignore it because at the time I wasn’t in school & didn’t really know anyone. I was scared that if he knew I didn’t like him back he would think my friendship wasn’t worth his time.
I know it wasn’t right for me not to tell him in hindsight.
He started getting me in trouble at work since he would stop working to talk & hang around me.
He also began making pretty clear advances & becoming very clingy, like getting mad if I didn’t call every night. I finally told him I wasn’t interested in him. At this point I had not come out to him yet, I had lost a few good friends after telling them so I was scared of that.
During that conversation he kept asking ‘but maybe someday?’ and other stuff like that, I told him no over & over but he wouldn’t stop until I gave in & said maybe, which was definitely not the right thing to do.
I can own up to that.
Things started to get pretty bad again after a while. One situation I remember was I was over at his house & we were watching a movie & he kept trying to cuddle me.
I moved away whenever he got closer but eventually I just froze and stayed completely still until it was over.
Eventually, I decided that I should just tell him I’m gay if I really wanted it to stop.
So one night he called me & I told him. He was confused at first & then DEVASTATED. He wouldn’t talk to me for a while after that, he even called out of work two days after the call & since we worked in the same department I had to pick up his slack.
We started to sort of talk again but it was mostly awkward and I honestly just wanted to avoid him because I felt so uncomfortable, scared, and gross.
About a month or so after all this, I seriously injured myself, so I had to quit (part of my decision to leave was honestly because of him).
I started distancing myself a lot since I no longer had to see him every day. For maybe 3ish months after I completely cut him off, he would message me on discord whenever he saw I was online & would use any way he had to get ahold of me.
I felt so guilty but also terrified of what would happen if I ever saw him again, & honestly, I’m still scared of what would happen if I saw him now, a year later.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The fact that his mom had such a strong reaction makes me think he probably built your friendship up into something much larger than the reality of it was.
That was not a healthy friendship, and not because of you. He was displaying manipulative and harassing behaviors. Most people wouldn’t have the patience to put up with that.
He’s the jerk, and if his mom knows the real story she’s the jerk as well. On the bright side, it took a huge amount of strength for you to come out, and regardless of his reaction, you’ll be stronger and more authentic for it.” UpperLeftC0ast
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he ignored your boundaries and kept persisting even after you made it clear you weren’t interested, even physically touching you when you were clearly uncomfortable. It is a good thing you got away from him and it sounds like he told his mom a very different story than what actually happened which is why she is upset.
You are never a jerk for rejecting someone and it doesn’t matter that you didn’t tell him you were gay as soon as you knew he liked you, you’re never obligated to disclose your personal info to anyone.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That is harassment, he was harassing you. You don’t owe this person anything, not even friendship. And his enabling mother is just as bad. You are not obligated to put up with his behavior.
You repeatedly said no, he disrespected your boundaries over and over and you still came out as the bad guy because Mr. M’Lady twisted the narrative to make himself the victim.” amcditto
12. AITJ For Insisting On Having A Child-Free Wedding?
“My partner and I want a child-free wedding and it has caused a lot of drama.
My partner and I have been to multiple friends’ weddings where kids have run wild. Screamed, cried, and threw tantrums throughout the wedding ceremony which echoed and was the main thing you could hear.
During some of the receptions kids were running around, and let loose almost tripping servers carrying hot food or drinks as kids aren’t watching where they are going and their parents weren’t watching them.
Throughout my life, I’ve always been sensitive to high pitch noises. I often get massive headaches and can get nauseous after long exposure to them. At previous weddings, I’ve had to take strong painkillers to be able to go through the day.
Which meant I wasn’t able to have any drinks and had to stick with water.
For our wedding, the same people will be attending. From our past experience, we know that the same kids will cause the same problems as they did at previous weddings.
Which is not the kids’ fault.
Weddings aren’t the place for kids, they get bored easily and they have to sit still and be quiet for an extended period of time which can be difficult when you’re young.
We want a child-free wedding so we can enjoy our wedding, I can have celebration drinks at my wedding and don’t have to spend the day Medicated.
The family is on board with this.
Some friends aren’t on board and say that if I won’t invite their kids then I have to pay for babysitters for them or they aren’t coming.
We are having a small wedding and can’t afford to pay for babysitters for their kids.
I just want to enjoy my wedding.
AITJ for having a child-free wedding?
EDIT: If people can’t come we are 100% ok with it and won’t hold it against them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The people demanding you pay for a babysitter… just laugh in their faces. Laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh. They’re throwing that down like it’s a threat. It’s no threat to you.
Your wedding invitation is strictly for the adults in the family. If they don’t want to pay for a babysitter then they have to RSVP no and stay home with their kids.
Are these really good friends? They’re not behaving like it.
They’re acting like you have to pay for a babysitter or let them bring their kids to your wedding.
No. No way. Those are not the options and they don’t get to make conditions about your wedding anyway. So laugh at them. Their choices are limited to finding their own babysitter and paying for it or RSVPing no and staying home.
They don’t have the power to make you change your wedding plans to include their kids or appropriate your budget to pay for their babysitter.
My husband’s cousin tried something like this for our wedding.
We put our foot down and she decided not to come. Suited us perfectly fine.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You aren’t a jerk for your main question, but for one of your statements.
You don’t want people judging you for having a child-free wedding, and they shouldn’t, but it’s equally jerk-ish to say ‘weddings aren’t the place for kids’. It’s a ridiculous statement to make.
Most weddings I’ve been to, including my own, had kids present. There was probably a minor behavior problem here and there at some of those weddings, but I don’t have a single memory of one.
Not saying there won’t be examples of kid horror stories at weddings, but I’d think that’s the exception and not the rule.
It’s totally fine that your wedding isn’t the place for kids.
But you don’t get to make that judgment about all weddings.
Regarding your main question, you are totally right. Sometimes the wedding couple does provide a babysitter for the guest’s children.
It’s a nicety, but not expected; however, I also think of that being more when kids are invited also and there are play areas. Your friends are really off-base. It’s their kids, they need to pay for a sitter.
If they don’t want to or they can’t afford to, then they can decline the invitation.
The best response is cordial, ‘We aren’t providing babysitting services. But are sorry you won’t be able to come.'” NolaJen1120
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and l will never understand why people get so butt hurt about a child-free wedding. Like, seriously, they take it so personally and it’s quite ridiculous.
We, too, are having a child-free wedding and, like you, it is a small wedding. In addition, just like you, we’re facing the same requests to pay for babysitters or the guests with children won’t come.
Here’s the thing, you should think of them as REQUESTS. The people in your life are trying to make them DEMANDS with a side of ultimatum, don’t allow that. Tell them ‘I’m sorry but I will not be fulfilling your request to hire babysitters.
These are not my children and I’m not obligated to ensure that you can attend by stretching my budget for babysitters for children that are not mine. This day is about me and Fiancé and we are choosing to spend our money on our wedding our way.
I’m very sorry this means you cannot attend. We completely understand. Maybe we can schedule a time after the wedding to get together so you can see pictures.’
If they continue to harass you simply say ‘We’ve already discussed this and my answer has not changed. Therefore, this discussion is closed.’ And repeat ad nauseam.
This is what we’ve done and, after a few more attempts to change our minds, in which we repeated what I just said over and over, they finally seem to have accepted that children will not be allowed.
However, we are prepared because many parents love to refuse to take ‘no’. Therefore, our wedding party, our parents, and our wedding planner and crew are prepared to turn any guests away if they show up with children.
I would also suggest you do this so that parents don’t try to circumvent your decision and bring Precious along anyways.
NTJ and stand firm. This is YOU and your FIANCÉ’S day and YOU get to choose who attends and who doesn’t.
If people can’t respect that, disinvite them. You don’t need that stress.” bookworm1421
11. AITJ For Not Getting In The Car When My Mom's Partner Is Driving?
“I (16F) have a big fear of driving and being driven by reckless drivers. My mom’s partner is in my opinion a bad driver. My mom tries her hardest to please him and not make him mad so I don’t say anything because I know I’ll get in trouble.
Now today is New Year’s Eve. My mom and her partner like to go dancing on the weekend and today was no different. My mom’s partner, my mom, my little brother, and I were all about to head home from my grandparents’ house when I noticed my mom’s partner getting in the front seat and starting the car.
Normally I would bite my tongue but because they were going dancing they had been drinking. It was obvious when they arrived at my grandparents’ house. I had witnessed my mom’s partner drink while he was at my grandparents’.
My mom had eaten food and cut off so I asked her to drive instead. My mom’s partner refused and my mom sided with him. I refused to get in the car.
My mom got mad at me and said I wasn’t going to be allowed to go with my partner tomorrow if I had kept this up. That’s when I got super frustrated and I ran back into my grandparents’ house and let them know what was going on.
My mom stormed in after me and told my grandparents she was going to drive. She said I was acting like a little child and I responded that I cared about my safety and she should care more.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, good for you! Well done following your instincts. Always err on the side of protecting yourself and don’t worry about offending people if you don’t feel safe.
Their offense is not your responsibility to own. PLEASE, please take this advice to heart. Too many young women are taught not to listen to their inner voice, and then bad things happen.
Sorry your mom isn’t sticking up for you. It shouldn’t have to be said, but getting behind the car after drinking is illegal… that should have made your mom think twice, but apparently, her judgment is impaired. In no way should you have to be a part of that.” Educational_Fan3346
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He had been drinking so he has no business driving. That’s common sense.
It’s also curious that your mom threatened to forbid you from seeing your partner at the scene but the very instant other adults had heard what was going on she did a complete turnaround and said she’d drive.
Your mom knows perfectly well she shouldn’t let her partner drive but yet she was going to until you refused to get in and told your grandparents. I wonder why she couldn’t just drive to begin with after you asked?
Why is she trying to please her partner with something that makes you very uncomfortable? It sounds very odd.” NmlsFool
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is pretty clearly putting her partner’s feelings above yours.
If she hasn’t consumed as much it just makes sense that she should drive, regardless of anything else. The fact that she couldn’t see that and be willing to sacrifice your sense of safety is pretty telling.
It’s also very telling that she caved under pressure from other adults (your grandparents) when confronted about it.” Lironelle
10. AITJ For Getting Annoyed By My Mom's Superstitious Beliefs?
“I’m a (34)F and my mom is a (60)F who has these strange New Year’s Eve beliefs. She believes that you shouldn’t wash clothes on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day in fear of ‘washing someone out of the family’ (Having people in the family pass away) and thus we don’t do laundry on those days.
She also believes that you’ll have Christmas year-round if you don’t get your tree down before Midnight. She also believes that your home will be messy if you don’t clean it before midnight.
She stopped going to church every year on New Year’s Eve for ‘Watch night’ which I educated her on the true meaning of it.
However the biggest thing this year is that she’s been so quick to anger whenever any of these traditions are ignored or questioned. She even calls my brothers to make sure they’re following these ‘rules’.
I have been fighting a cold since December 24th because my aunt who was in town invited my 7-year-old cousin to stay at our house for a few days and the kid was sick.
So I got sick and thus I have been very sick.
Since I’ve been sick my mother has been complaining that I am not getting better and that my cough isn’t stopping in her time frame.
Basically, she thought I’d be over this after 5 days and thus I have been trying hard to get well so she can stop complaining. (I am staying with her till I can move away again but right now, I cannot yet.
Rent isn’t cheap around here).
Tonight she said that I NEED to stop coughing by using cough syrup which I had taken an hour ago or use cough drops so I won’t go into 2022 coughing because I’ll cough all year and she doesn’t want that.
I yelled at her that I cannot help but cough because I am sick. She then yelled back that I shouldn’t have yelled at her about it saying that I can help it and that if I want to go into 2022 coughing then it was my business.
So I am wondering if I am the jerk for getting annoyed by my mom’s superstitions?
Edit: My mom has had these beliefs for as long as I remember. She used to enforce a lot more on us before my brothers and I got older and looked into a lot of things.
We stopped going to church every year on New Year’s Eve because I told her that ‘Watch Night’ didn’t have anything to do with religion but more with the fact that it was used as a celebration and remembrance of the Emancipation Proclamation (enacted January 1, 1863), which freed slaves in the Confederate states during the American Civil War, and thus she stopped forcing us to go.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say no jerks here. A lot of these you mention are common New Year’s traditions/superstitions in African American families. Several of my Black friends posted on social media today about getting their houses clean before midnight, so it’s definitely not just your mom.
In general, your mom’s superstitions sound pretty harmless, but I understand it’s annoying when you’re being nagged at for something you have no control over, like your cough. Maybe take a generous dose of NyQuil and call it a night.
I hope you feel better soon!” Palsticine_Porters
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom was probably taught these superstitions at a young age so she still believes them. That doesn’t mean she can push them off on you though.
I’ve never heard of the Christmas tree one before. I guess I’ll be okay since my tree fell over on me a few days ago which meant I had to go ahead and take it down.
I’m a nurse and just wanted to mention that you may need to see a doctor about your cough. It could be bronchitis and you may need an antibiotic to clear it up.” shlbycindy
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re allowed to be annoyed by it, but she’s also allowed to be superstitious. This is only a particularly frustrating issue this year because you’re staying with her.
I’d just bide your time so hopefully, by next year you’re back in your own place again.” bee102019
9. AITJ For Not Having Booze Available At My Wedding?
“My fiance (28m) and I (23f) are getting married in October.
We are both recovering addicts and met through that. As such, neither of us uses substances or drinks at all. Since we announced our engagement in the summer and have begun planning our wedding, my mother has been pressuring me to serve booze.
Most of our guests (we are expecting about 130 and maybe 50 aren’t in recovery) don’t drink. My mom’s first suggestion was just not to serve liquor and just beer and wine.
When my fiance and I still said no, she suggested the same thing but just limited the quantity that people can have. It’s probably important to add that my fiance’s family all know he is in recovery, but mine doesn’t because I kept it fairly well hidden so pretty much just immediate family knows, and my grandparents.
We still said no, and then my mom tried to guilt trip me. Her reasoning is that it is for the guests that do drink and that she will pay for it (we are paying for everything on our own).
She then will essentially throw a tantrum when I say no again and say stuff like I am letting my fiance decide everything and to just tell her when and where the wedding is and she will show up.
Tonight she started up again and said she wants to know what time the wedding is so she can book somewhere after for her and the guests to go to drink.
When I mentioned that it might be an evening wedding and that it was discussed once with my fiance’s mom and grandma she went on again about how she isn’t being part of anything and obviously it is just his side of the family that gets a say.
She has been vocal about everything we have talked about with the wedding so far from how we cater (I suggested a food truck because it’s cool and kind of unique and she hated that idea), doing my own flower arrangements (she thinks it’s a bad idea, even though it would be much cheaper), what type of dress I get, etc. At this point, I am ready to just elope, but my fiance has always wanted a nice wedding so I am doing it for him.
I don’t know what to do at this point. So AITJ for not serving booze even though some of my guests drink? It’s the one major thing my mom is requesting, I’m just not 100% comfortable with it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I can see why you aren’t telling her stuff if all she does is act negatively towards it.
You get to decide what you want to serve at your wedding.
I have been to several dry weddings. This should not be an issue.
(I also happen to think a taco stand sounds fun, and that you may not want to do your own flowers because it’s a whole lot of work and if you’re having 150 people at your wedding you will have other tasks to do and don’t want to be spending a whole lot of time on the flowers the day before… If you had a trusted friend who would do it for you by all means.)
If you haven’t picked a venue yet, there are some venues that are dry venues, so you could use that as an excuse. I went to a wedding in the southern United States, which took place in a rather conservative church.
I think the church let them use the church and the hall for almost free, but they had to agree to the rules of that particular church, which were no booze, no music, and no dancing.
I would imagine that there are some places that will not allow booze for whatever reason, so you could potentially circumvent all of that by saying ‘due to the restrictions of the venue, this will be a dry wedding and we will have sparkling cider served during the toast’.
This might put some of your other friends in recovery at ease as well if they are worried about being around drinking.” Tallchick8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, first off it’s your wedding if you want something a certain way you don’t have to justify it to anyone.
Second, off it’s strange that having drinks there is such a big deal to your mother. Like does she really need a drink that bad it’s worth bringing up this much?
She’s willing to pay for you to have booze you don’t want but won’t offer to pay for something you might actually like. Sounds very selfish but don’t let her make you not excited about your wedding anymore!
Just stand firm with the things you do and don’t want and if she pushes let her know you’re willing to exclude her from planning. Being involved with planning doesn’t mean your opinion is welcomed with everything it just means you want her to feel a part of it.
Congratulations on both your sobriety and engagement!” TriSarah8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Weddings are so stressful – you and your fiancé and many of your guests don’t need the added pressure of having to maintain sobriety in front of people who are drinking.
Your mental, physical, and emotional health are more important than your appearance. It sounds like from your comments that having booze available is a familial expectation and more about appearances rather than your mom wanting to have immediate access to liquor.
Stay strong. Have the wedding you and your fiancé want. And continue to work on your sobriety and recovery.
Also, don’t do your own flowers. The money saved will be eaten up by the time and stress that DIYing them will take up.
Use the budget for booze for that!” EatMorePieDrinkMore
8. AITJ For Using My Friend's Insecurities As Revenge?
“I was venting about a personal issue to my friends (who I had known for over a year now) when a friend of mine (Michelle) delivered an insult from my ex-friend (Oliver) that greatly triggered me.
I came back to the insult and said ‘it’s not my fault you’re ugly so you need to insult others to feel better about yourself.’ My friends had shown no concern about what Oliver had said to me, but immediately turned heads to me.
‘OP, you know how insecure Oliver is about his looks.’ Even though they witnessed my breakdown over something that I hadn’t mentioned for months and wanted to forget.
They continued to break me down saying how immature it was of me to do that, while I was welling up with emotion and trauma and was just sitting down unable to talk or do anything.
They comforted Oliver instead of me even though he showed no signs of negative emotion toward me.
They forced me to apologize and said if I didn’t they wouldn’t speak to me again.
I apologized regretfully, and they continued to say how it wasn’t Oliver’s fault for how I reacted toward their insult and that I should grow up and be less immature.
Built-up anger and rage overcame me as I yelled one final insult and said ‘You truly are ugly inside and out.’ They immediately ran off with Oliver and I haven’t spoken to them since.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, big time.
I was going to ask what was said, but it really doesn’t matter. Your friend gossiped, and instead of trying to discuss it with Oliver and get the truth, you made the choice to go full nuclear and get personal.
While your trauma is valid as trauma, it is not a valid excuse for you to be nasty towards others. If you find yourself triggered to the point where you need to actively lash out and attack others personally, then you need to seek professional help and better coping mechanisms.” S*************o
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
In my experience, when a group suddenly turns on someone, as happened here, it’s not a random event. It usually means that one person wanted it to happen.
They talked the others into it behind the scenes. Then, it was only a matter of time until they had the opportunity to eject you from the group.
This was not a group of friends.
It was a group of toxic acquaintances.
What can you learn from this? Choose your friends based on their character. Be kind and loyal.” Literally_Taken
Another User Comments:
“You glossed over whatever was said as an insult to you.
Also, it’s a jerk move to ever insult someone’s ugliness they were born with and can’t help. Maybe he deserved retaliation but if he did, you should insult something that IS his fault and he can change.
YTJ.” SetiG
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Michelle is the big jerk: she clearly started all this by repeating Oliver’s words to OP AND didn’t support you afterward.
An eye for an eye is a normal reaction.
However, OP must be smart the next time by confronting one-to-one the bad mouthes Oliver and Michelle separately.
None of OP’s friends supported OP. I’m sorry for OP. She has lost friends harshly.
Time for OP to find new friends.” rho025
7. AITJ For Being Annoyed At A Friend Who Can't Move On?
“This took place mid-fall of last year, I have a large friend group, and two friends I’ll call friend 1 and friend 2 ended up getting together. They were together for less than two months before breaking up after friend 2 texted me in a panic realizing they didn’t actually like friend 1 romantically.
I told them to break it off so they don’t accidentally lead on friend 1 as he’s a somewhat sensitive guy. But friend 2 being more of a defensive individual who doesn’t know how to properly communicate as well ended up accidentally dumping friend 1 in a harsh manner.
Fast forward a bit, it was a harsh breakup and while they both agreed to still be friends it was very obvious that there was kind of tension between friends 1 and 2, more on friend 1’s side.
A few months ago I finally started prodding him about it, and he finally confessed that he still wasn’t over their breakup and his mind had started unintentionally demonizing friend 2.
At the time I had mixed feelings about it, but I encouraged him to try and forget about it and let the wound heal with time.
So now we come to yesterday, Friend 1 is currently a month into a new relationship with someone that we took classes with this year and they seem very happy right now.
Another class friend organized a fun day of ice skating but after I asked them who was coming, I realized everyone had made it except for friend 2. After a bit more prodding it turns out our class friend didn’t have everyone’s contacts so they told friend 1 to tell everyone about the outing.
And when the class friend asked friend 1 if he invited everyone, he gave them a sorta vague answer.
Now at this point, I was getting mad, of course, I empathized with friend 1 not wanting to be around or talk to friend 2 because of the breakup but I also was in close contact with friend 2 and I knew they had insecurity issues centered around past relationships and while they did dump friend 1, it wasn’t truly from malicious intent.
If they knew that friend 1 had not only been avoiding them but purposefully kept them out of the loop on group plans, it would’ve crushed them.
But both the class friend and one other friend who was next to me when I asked who else was on the way to the ice rink seem to think I’m in the wrong for wanting to confront friend 1 about getting over it already.
It’s been more than a year and he’s just started a new relationship this November. I don’t think he should keep letting his feelings control his actions.
Jerk or not I’m going to talk to him about this, I just want to know if I’m warranted to be mad.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I wasn’t initially gonna call friend 1 the jerk, as moving on while still being in very close contact with that person is hard. But friend 1 is either moved on, seeing somebody new, but trying to exclude your other friend, which is a jerk move, or not moved on, aware of that, and seeing somebody else, which is a jerk move.” ListFC
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but maybe try to understand friend 1’s perspective. He may have felt uncomfortable inviting friend 2. He probably should have asked someone else to invite her rather than give a vague response.
I think you are correct to talk to him about it, but be gentle. Maybe it was his first relationship and he doesn’t know how to move forward.” DustyGate
6. AITJ For Leaving A Girl Alone At A Club?
“I had messaged a girl and we planned to go out to a club, dance, and hang out. Now when I’m out with a woman I don’t drink or buy them more than 2 drinks because I find it weird.
We each had a free drink with entry so we drank that and I bought each of us a shot. We ran into some people we know and a guy gave her his free drink pass since he was driving which I thought was weird but whatever.
So we formed a group and we’re all dancing and having a good time. At some point in the night one of the guys with us taps me and says ‘check out your girl’ and I look over and see her dancing and making out with the guy who gave her the free drink pass.
Now, this was the first time I met this girl, really didn’t have an emotional investment and decided that meant our night was over and I could drink with my friends which I did.
I guess we were the life of the party because over the night people joined our dance circle.
As the club was closing, I and my friend met some girls and got a ride back to the dorms where we chilled with them.
The next morning this girl texts me, mad that I left without her. Apparently, the guy she was with was trying to get her to come back to his dorm, and when she refused he left her.
It was late and she didn’t know anyone else and ended up waiting over an hour after closing for a cab. I ignored the message because it seemed like that was her own fault.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“My only issue with what you did was that you didn’t at least check in with her before you left. If you were her ride I feel like your only responsibility is to make sure she has another ride home before you left. Being left alone somewhere when you are reliant on someone is scary regardless of her behavior.
If something bad had happened to her would you have not felt bad? YTJ for leaving her without saying anything she has a right to be angry at you for leaving her alone but you’re NTJ for hanging out with your friends.
She is the jerk for her behavior at the club.” Kitten_Queen94
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
She was rude for her behavior 100% but you should have told her you were leaving to say she could go with y’all or find her own way back.
I don’t know if she misunderstood the message you were trying to send or what, but when you go to a club together you make sure the other is good to head out alone before you take off.
Regardless of gender I consider it basic decency to look out for each other (even if the person pulls something so bad you never speak to them afterward)” Knittingfairy09113
5. AITJ For Being Offended When My Preferred Name Was Trashed On?
“My name is Queenie, and I started using it in 2017.
My original name made me feel uneasy and uncomfortable, and I picked Queenie because it sounded girly and vintage. However, a teacher didn’t feel the same way and called my name ‘disrespectful to the Queen’.
I was extremely offended by this and started crying. This is especially since many old people would compliment my choice of name, (My Grandma liked how I was honoring the Queen, and my great aunt said my name was nostalgic, as she knew a Queenie when she was younger).
She said she would continue to call me by said name. Other teachers at the school would often give me a hard time about my name, although some willingly called me Queenie.
I feel I was the jerk for getting upset when my choice of name could be considered quite… unusual. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but rather than just getting upset, go higher up.
It’s not a teacher’s place to offer judgments on a student’s name, chosen or otherwise. They’re being extremely unprofessional and should receive appropriate feedback from their supervisor.
A chosen name needs to be respected not made fun of.
Queenie is older and less common, but that doesn’t give them a free pass to rudeness.” carolinediva
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Yes, a teacher should not insult your name.
Nobody should insult anybody. But then again, it is not really an insult but their opinion.
They didn’t say ‘that name is stupid/ugly/dumb/etc.’ just to spite you.
They think it is disrespectful and told you so. Maybe they even wanted to help you because it is a chosen name and they wanted to warn you. Telling you that other people might be offended by your choice.
I have a few friends that should have consulted their friends before naming their kids. Poor ones are being bullied for their names or are made fun of.” Dragaril
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s your name and special to you so it’s understandable you’d have a lot of feelings surrounding it and get upset. And as someone with an unusual name who used to get it called out in school, I can say for certain your teacher is the jerk 100%.
It would’ve been so simple to just leave you alone. Not everything revolves around the Queen specifically.
P.S. Queenie is a super cute name!” iolight
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Sisters At My Wedding?
“When I was 4 my mom met my stepfather and I gained two step sisters, A, age 10, and B, age 8. My father was busy raising other women’s families instead of his own, so this household was my main household, with the exception of maybe 12 weekends a year.
I looked up to A and B as if they were my own sisters and by the time my mom married their father, I was calling him Dad. The three of us girls spent a lot of time together when we were young, but once they hit about 15/16 they both moved out of the house permanently to live with their mom and we kind of fell off.
Eventually, once I got older we started talking more, and A had her first child during my freshman year of Highschool. I was the first family member to hold him and I offered to babysit or help out with him as often as I could.
Eventually, this became the only way I could see him, At this point B and I hadn’t spoken in probably a year. Fast forward, B is getting married but never told our dad, my mom, or me, until about a month before.
B’s wedding party included her sister, A, and step sisters from her mom’s marriage and cousins. I wasn’t upset by this, however, A took it upon herself to promise I’d be at her wedding because ‘it’s not right to exclude me’.
A few years later A is getting married and I didn’t receive so much as an invite, but when I got there I was asked to help decorate and set up, which I did happily, but I was brushed off the entire week I was home visiting for that wedding.
She did announce I’d be an aunt again and we made plans for me to come home again and meet the twins when they were born. Fast forward nine months and any and all texts and calls from me to A were ignored. Including a congratulation on the birth.
3-4 months go by and still no response to anything. I understand they’re busy, but honestly even a text telling me ‘no’ would’ve been better than no responses.
Finally, I texted A and asked what I did to deserve the shutouts and blow-offs. I asked why she’s never looked at me as a sibling. A responded by telling me that I stole their father.
After all this time wondering what I did or said wrong, just to find out they’re punishing me for something beyond my control, I got angry. I never once made myself out to be more in his eyes than they were, and neither did he, I just lived in his house for longer than they did.
After this, I told my sister I was done, and basically disowned her and B. But I still made sure to send gifts and cards for birthdays and holidays for the kids, they’ve done nothing wrong.
This year I’m getting married and my mom and our dad want them to be at the wedding in case I regret it someday, and deep down I know I do too… it’s easier to crop them out of photos than in.
But I’m still extremely upset about the whole situation. Am I the jerk blowing this out of proportion by not inviting them and holding this grudge? Or am I a pushover if I just forgive and forget?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Since deep down you want the potential for a restored relationship, I’d invite them as regular guests (or invite the kids to be in the wedding.
Kids love being in weddings and they are super cute).
Not inviting your sisters is mainly to show your hurt. Inviting takes the high road and based on your deep-down comment I think you will feel better about yourself if you do.
Yes, they say they don’t see you as family. That’s nonsense, as is the ‘stealing’ comment. Worth asking her if the older child would be justified in thinking twins ‘stole’ parents.
Twins take a LOT of work. If she didn’t go out of her way to give extra attention to the first kid and the first kid feels displaced, would a first kid be justified in being mad at the twins?
That said, at your wedding, I would make sure you have photos without your sisters, and otherwise treat them as regular guests.
If you do decide not to invite, what your parents think is irrelevant.
Clearly, they didn’t do anything about the previous two lack of invites. The time to comment on that was the first exclusion.” Ok-Wrangler-8175
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. I think there’s a lot more to these relationships that you need to talk out.
Long-term… do you want them in your life? Honestly, I think something may have happened when you guys were younger. They probably stayed with your dad because they were court-ordered and always felt jealous/second-class to you.
when they were 15/16 they moved out permanently because they were finally able to choose. This means they probably did not enjoy living with your family/dad all those previous years.
You were probably too young and did not see/understand any unfair treatment. now you’re old enough. Have a sit-down lunch and ask them. Tell them about your experience and love and how it was confusing for you.
And if/how you want to build a future relationship with them (without your parents around). They may have seen you as the golden child and they couldn’t live with it anymore.
But the ball is in your court. If you don’t want a relationship with them, then just cut them out. No one would blame you for it. If you want a big family gathering and know your nephews and nieces, then reach out.
They’ve already decided years ago to cut your side of the family out. It seems like they are in low contact with you. If you want to fight for your family, hear their grievances and how unfairly they were treated (which again, you were probably too young to recognize), it might go a long way in healing your extended family.” Super_Ad5277
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is your wedding and you need to surround yourself with people who make you happy and you want to be there to celebrate. The last thing you’d need is to be dealing with a cold shoulder from your stepsisters during the wedding or, worst, your mom and stepdad pushing you to engage with them more and having some ill-fated reconciliation be the focus of your wedding.
If your mom and stepdad feel strongly about them being invited, then they should organize something before invitations or save the dates are sent out and bring all of you together to clear the air.
If your stepsisters can’t get past their historical grudge against you then that’s their prerogative but that also means they do not get any of the benefits of sisterhood and family, which includes invitations to the wedding.
That way your mom and stepdad can see that it is not you who is holding a grudge but it is them.” akamikedavid
3. AITJ For Being Rude To My Children's Dad?
“I (35f) divorced my older 2 children’s (12m, 14m) father Fred (41m) almost 7 years ago. We have 50/50 custody, and we switch weekly on Tuesday. We never put a set time in the custody agreement for when the switch was to occur.
I got remarried almost 6 years ago to my current spouse (35m) Paul and we have a baby together who is now 1 year old.
Fred texted Paul on Tuesday that he was coming to get the boys at 3:30.
3:30 rolls around we let the boys know that their dad should be here within the next 10 to 15 minutes and they’re dressed and ready to go. We send them out to wait on the porch at 3:40.
At 4 our dog is going nuts outside, so we look out there and the boys are still on the porch. We pull them in and have them go play in their room.
I text Fred to see what’s going on at 4:30 because he still hasn’t shown up yet.
He said he had a meeting and that it is running late and that he already texted 14yr old.
He said he should’ve told us. Well, 14 yr old doesn’t really tell us things, and Fred knows this because he’s admitted it. Anyway, I told Fred that I know being late doesn’t bother him, but he knows it bothers me.
I told him that next time he needs to text an adult to let them know if he’s going to be more than 10 minutes late. I also told him I know it doesn’t matter to him when he wastes our time, but it should matter when he wastes the boys’ time.
He told me that he didn’t want to argue with me about it and that he will get there when he was done.
He finally shows up at 4:51, and I meet him outside.
I told him we needed to have a quick conversation. I reiterated what I said in the text that he needs to tell us when he’s going to be more than 10 minutes late, and he says he’s sorry and his meetings normally don’t last longer than half an hour.
I said that I understand that but I’m creating this boundary because this keeps happening and he tried to interrupt me. I told him don’t try to talk over me, I’m not done talking, and to shut up.
He said he wasn’t going to have a conversation with me if all I am going to do is argue and be rude. I told him I’m not arguing, and I’m not being rude.
I continued by explaining why the boundary needs to be placed and he kept trying to interrupt me. I kept telling him I will let him know when I am done speaking and for him to shut up until then.
I also told him that I know he doesn’t like it when I set boundaries, but this needs to be one because I’m tired of how he treats my time and the kids’ time.
He then told me that I’m always trying to start arguments with him and he’s tired of me being rude to him. He said he already apologized and that I’m just mad that he had a meeting.
He also said that he’s tired of me questioning his parenting skills.
So AITJ for setting this boundary?
Edit for context: This boundary conversation took all of 10 minutes. I did not yell, I did not scream, and I did not argue.
No, I didn’t let him finish a sentence until I was done this time, because I never get to complete my sentences with him. If I express anything other than when are you coming over, or when am I dropping them off, he claims I’m being argumentative.
The man is late for everything and literally, we go weeks without ever actually speaking face to face. There is so much that I won’t even get into because I don’t really want to.
14-year-old has autism, he doesn’t view important things as important. I also have a hard time viewing important details as important to others.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your issue here is with your son, not the ex.
Yeah, he’s rude too if he’s consistently late.
But there’s no reason a 14-year-old doesn’t tell you. He’s more than old enough to receive this text and be expected to inform you.
Also, he didn’t waste their time. He told them what was going on. They chose to stay out there. So, how exactly was their time wasted?
And you were rude to your ex.
The minute you told him to shut up, you became rude. I agree that you should be able to finish what you’re saying and he shouldn’t talk over you.
But you had already made your point. He understood it. You were just nagging him at that point. So he was done. But both of you should have handled that better.
Overall though, this is on your son and you need to adjust your expectations of him. He’s old enough.” Ok-Mode-2038
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Telling him to repeatedly shut up was rude.
If he apologized then he knew he was wrong & there’s nothing he could say to change that. So he apologized like a civilized human being. But no adult wants to stand around & be berated for something outside his control (the meeting running over).
For that YTJ.
He absolutely should’ve texted you. It doesn’t take much effort to do a group text. Or forward the text to the 14-year-old to you too.
But he was in a meeting.
Assuming he doesn’t lie to you often then he may not have been able to avoid ‘wasting’ the kid’s time. Your kids are old enough to ask Qs & demand answers.
When he’s late he has from pick up to drop off to justify his actions or otherwise appease them. A simple, ‘if you’re going to be late, please let me know’ in front of the kids should suffice.
When he says I told the 14-year-old, you can berate the 14-year-old, because that’s your child & your prerogative. I don’t recommend it though. Personally, I’d tell 14-year-old that if he can’t pass on messages like a responsible person then he loses phone privileges, especially within 1 hour of pick up until dad’s arrival. Eventually, your kid will learn to pass on a message.
Or you’ll see it when it comes through. Win-win.
But berating your co-parent just leads to unnecessary tension. Your boundary was fine. Your behavior was unacceptable.” rtgd_mmm
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like you dragged this out way more than it needed to be. And in person at the moment as he is picking up your/his children is not the time to attempt to lecture a grown adult and parent.
YTJ.
NTJ for being frustrated about this though. Asking him to contact you instead of the kids for changing plans is a perfectly valid request. But it’s also good to recognize as you move forward that if he’s not there when he is supposed to be, maybe just check in with the kids quickly to see if they know anything about it.
Also, I don’t really understand why it inconveniences you for your teenage kids to wait at home an extra hour unless there’s some reason they can’t be home alone or something.” br0d30
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You went on for too long and were rude. He is consistently late.
You told your ex when you were married that he ‘would be late for his own funeral’ so the chances of him changing now are slim to zero.
In 2 to 4 years, depending on where you live, your older boy will be able to drive in between homes so no longer be an issue.
In the meantime what if you disengage from it?
Remind the boys to get ready but thereafter they and their dad can communicate (like dad with 14-year-old) with you not involved. So when dad finally arrives he texts or calls his sons to go outside.
Boys are old enough to entertain themselves so you can carry on with your day, taking deep breaths, and keeping well out of it to avoid the aggro.
Good luck!” nikokazini
2. AITJ For Messing Up My Partner's Understanding Of Her Family's Tradition?
“My partner (35f) and I (34f) were preparing for the big countdown for the new year when she jumped up and said, ‘oh! I need to get my shrimp ready for luck!’ I just chuckled, since she’s done this every year that we’ve been together.
Her Dad had just sent us a group text that said, ‘don’t forget your fish for good luck!’ I said out loud, ‘that’s weird, I thought you said your family does shrimp?’ She replied, ‘well, yes, shrimp are fish.’ I pointed out that they weren’t actually fish from a biological perspective but shrugged it off and we both laughed.
I then decided to look up why people eat fish, and after that, started searching google to see if there were positive superstitions about eating shrimp for the new year so I could add to her knowledge and give her another happy thing to attach to the family tradition.
This is pretty normal for me – I’m a naturally curious person and have a Ph.D. in research methods, and am known for looking stuff up whenever I want to understand the background of a phenomenon, which is often.
In fact, the joke I always tell people is that I became a researcher so that I could get paid to be nosy because that is my life.
Well… I couldn’t find anything positive throughout the first handful of google pages.
Instead, all I found were warnings that eating things like shrimp, crab, and lobster, was actually bad luck because they move sideways instead of forward (whereas fish move forward and it symbolizes progress).
I shared this with her in a ‘this is so interesting!’ way.
I know tone is important here, so I want to assure you that my tone wasn’t mocking or know-it-all, just mild excitement from learning an interesting factoid.
Even after asking my partner, along with my sister and a friend who is visiting, if it was a tonal issue later, they all shared that my tone wasn’t offensive.
Anyway, right after I said that my friend said that it was a jerkish thing to make her doubt her tradition. Partner got a little teary-eyed. I apologized and assured her that I didn’t mean to make her feel any negative way, and I absolutely do feel bad for making her feel bad, as I never want to do that, but I’m also still peeved that I was villainized for sharing a data point.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Family traditions don’t have to make sense or be part of any socially bigger tradition so long as they don’t hurt anyone. I’m a researcher myself, patents and law also with an anthropology background.
Sometimes you need to remember not to infringe on personal, heartwarming things with the bigger picture stuff. If I were you, I’d do some research on emotional intelligence in this regard ’cause there are many data points to find in that area as well.
Let go of some of that ego before you lose a nice-sounding lady and family. Not everything is about research externally, sometimes looking within is required. When your research turned out unhappy (for your gal), why’d you still feel compelled to share?” YouKnowLife
Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ.
Obviously, you have an ‘analytical brain’ for lack of a better term. Your partner obviously enjoys this about you but sometimes timing is everything. She just sounded like she wanted to enjoy her little tradition, but although it was not your intention, it could have come across as you trying to ‘correct’ her instead of giving her a little fun fact.
These little rituals or traditions hold meaning usually because it has an emotional factor attached. They are not based on true ‘fact’ because the intention is to enjoy something that makes them feel good or connected to a thing that they value ie – her family.
Just stress that you definitely did not mean to upset her or mock her, you just found it fascinating. It will likely blow over quickly, but try to be mindful that even if something is not 100% percent exact or accurate (re shrimp are not fish) – if she enjoys it, then try to enjoy it with her at the moment.” icanschwim
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – part of the research involves evaluating and refining what is useful, from all that you have uncovered during your research, for your actual purpose in doing that research in the first place (such as an essay or dissertation).
Satisfying your own curiosity is fine and I totally get that (do it all the time) but traditions may be based on superstitions and you DO get completely contradicting cultural superstitions.
Mum wouldn’t have red and white flowers together without other colors in the house – brings ‘b***d and tears’ – But I understand it is a popular combination in Poland.
Unless it’s important you don’t need to share all the information you uncover.
This sounds like the tomato vegetable vs fruit argument. Botanically the tomato is technically a fruit, not a vegetable.
But who cares? I once read knowledge is knowing the tomato is a fruit but wisdom is still putting it with other vegetables and not into the fruit salad.” cynical_old_mare
1. AITJ For Saying My Partner Is Being Loud?
“I, my partner, and one of our friends are hanging out trying to relax and watch a movie and all throughout she has these loud outbursts of laughter right next to me.
While I appreciate getting to hang out and have fun with them and her I’ve tried asking her several times throughout the movie to calm down a bit and she basically just doesn’t hear me.
Eventually, I get a bit annoyed after an especially loud outburst and barely say the word ‘loud’ and of course, she pauses the movie and out come the tears. She storms off and outside before coming back in and crying in the other room.
This isn’t the first time she’s had a breakdown over something so simple and I kinda feel like I’m walking on eggshells because whenever I address a problem she starts to break down or gets mad.
It kind of hurts how she tells me that if I have a problem I’m always able to address it with her but then whenever I do she starts to panic, get mad, etc. Even after apologizing and talking about it, she continues to sadly talk about just never watching movies again or just ‘not being able to have fun’ when everything we do is stuff she wants.
So am I the jerk for speaking up? I feel like a jerk for upsetting her but I’d like to get some outside opinions.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you’re going to criticize her over laughing.
That is what you’re supposed to do when you find a movie funny. If you have that big of a problem with her laughing then the relationship is not going to work.
If she is breaking down over ‘simple’ things it could be a build-up of other problems she has been repressing.” JMJ28
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Look I really get the loud thing because I’m neurodivergent and sometimes noise really affects me but clearly, it upset your partner a lot to be called loud.
She was just trying to enjoy herself and now it seems like you’re criticizing her for having fun.
But also after you’ve already apologized and talked about it and she’s still upset maybe there are some underlying issues.
Maybe talk it through with her in general and see how it goes.” bichaoscoffee
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Some people can’t control how loud they laugh. Also, this is not the way you bring up an issue.
You pause the movie and say ‘hey, I’m finding this distracting, do you have any earplugs I could borrow and we can turn on captions? If not, could you try to be a little quieter?’ You open a dialog.
You don’t just tell her to not be so loud, that’s just you coming off as a jerk who is telling her not to enjoy herself so much.” jetgirljen
