Doctors Share Stories About Ridiculous Patients That Made Them Question Their Career Choice

When you’re not a medically trained professional, it’s easy for rational thought to be thrown out the window when something on your body doesn’t look right. We’ve all been there. You wake up and notice a rash on your leg that wasn’t there the day before, and next thing you know, you’re convinced you’ve contracted a life-threatening, tropical disease because the Internet told you so. You check into the emerg, only to be asked if you changed laundry detergents because it looks like whatever you’re washing your clothes and sheets with gave you an allergy, not a flesh-eating disease. Oops.

Yes, the mind tends to overreact sometimes. While it’s important to not let things fester (like the patient who had a rather large insect in his pants, in #13), other things like dandruff (and the man who thought it was a serious enough situation to make an emergency trip to the hospital, in #XX) isn’t really a cause for concern. Doctors, nurses and medical professionals have come across their fair share of hypochondriacs, as well as patients who truly just don’t know better (like a mom who can’t figure out why large quantities of vodka might be making her daughter feel ill the morning after, in #38).

Some of these stories are downright silly, but there’s one or two in here that might just make you throw in the towel and give up on humanity. From weird stains to items put into places where they shouldn’t be placed, here are 41 outrageous stories of patients checking themselves in when they could have stayed home.
41. He Can’t Bend His Knee Because Of His Cast

“[I] had a patient come in stating that he couldn’t bend his knee. Asked him to remove his trousers so I could examine his leg. After he removes his trousers, the reason that he couldn’t bend his knee was that he had a plaster cast around his knee.

Checking his notes, he had been sent numerous letters asking him to come in for removal of this plaster cast and as he hadn’t attended any of the outpatient clinics, the hospital had assumed that he had removed the cast himself.”  Ochib
40. She’s Caught Blue-Handed After Rubbing Her Pants

This doesn’t take much brain juice to process. I mean, I noticed that my white toilet seat cushion had a bit of a blue tinge after I had used it. I realized it was because I had worn a pair of new dark denim all day. I didn’t need to go to the hospital to figure out what the problem was!

“I had a patient present for a blue hand.

Good pulses. Normal temperature. Sensation and motor intact. Resolved with an alcohol prep pad. It was garment dye transfer from her not-yet-washed denim jeans.” aetuf
39. She’s Spending Far Too Long Hanging Out On The Toilet

“[I] work in a vascular office [and] had a middle-aged woman come in with complaints of numbness and tingling in her feet and legs. Happens frequently, very painful, can’t walk.

Me: ‘Do you notice these symptoms more when you’re lying down or walking?’

Her: ‘Neither. It only happens when I’m sitting on the toilet. I like to play games on my phone, but my legs and feet go numb after I’ve been sitting a while.

I’m afraid I got poor circulation.’

[It] took everything I had to continue that conversation with a straight face.” collectedanimal
38. Everyone Is Allergic To Too Much Alcohol

Oh dear. That’s a strange conversation to have with daughter AND mom who should know these things:

“I had to explain to a 17-year-old girl and her mother that she was not in fact ‘allergic’ to alcohol, but she was just hung over.

She complained that on nights when she drank too much vodka, usually on an empty stomach, that she would feel nauseous, flushed and sometimes vomit in the morning. But it didn’t happen all the time, and there were no other typical symptoms of an allergic reaction.” glioblastomamulti
37. Horrified Her 16-Year-Old Daughter Had To Get A Pregnancy Test

“Irate mom who wanted to speak to the doctor because we took an ‘unauthorized’ urine pregnancy test on 16-year-old daughter just before x-rays.

‘I never consented and now she’s traumatized.’

Explained that it is standard in females of child-bearing age and that consent to treatment was signed upon entrance to the facility. Not good enough. They were rich and I suspected that this routine standard was perceived as an insult to their status.” Melecheveryday
36. Ouch… Kid Swallows Not 1 but 2 Magnets

How did this happen twice? I can’t imagine the horrible, twisted internal pain this would cause!

“I once had a child who swallowed a sizeable magnet that passed to the intestine, and we were just waiting for it to pass in the stool.

The next day, when he came for follow up, we just found out that he swallowed another one that got stuck to the first magnet in the intestine through the stomach wall resulting in intestinal obstruction, and he was transferred to the OR immediately to have them surgically removed.” velvetrevolver7
35. A Bottle Where The Sun Don’t Shine + A Drug Habit + Lying About Cancer = ***

“Guy in the ED for an infection caused by shooting meth into his hand said he had never had surgery.

Then when I was examining him and saw his large abdominal surgical scar and asked about it, he told me he had liver surgery for cancer but never finished the chemo treatments.

I was a naïve intern at the time, so this caused me great concern, and I asked him where he’d had the surgery/incomplete treatment so I could get the records. He told me, signed the waiver, I faxed them, and they faxed me his record.

He had never had cancer but what he did have was exploratory abdominal surgery to remove the shampoo bottle that got lost in his rectum.

He was the stupidest patient not for the shampoo bottle, or the meth, or for lying about cancer, but because out of the many hospitals in the city, for some reason, he directed me to the ACTUAL PLACE where he had his bottle removal done.” Spaceh0rse
34. The Nurse Explained It Like She Would To A 5 Year Old, Really She Did

“I worked at a pain management clinic.

In an attempt to combat ****** use/addiction/abuse, a lot of patients were prescribed a medicated cream. It looked a lot like sunscreen, and you just rubbed it onto the areas affected by pain.

I watched the nurse carefully and slowly explain how to rub it onto the skin, using small, uncomplicated words and going through the motions of applying it several times, but every so often, patients would complain that their cream ‘tastes bad.'” Erisianistic
33. Strokes Do Not Go Away On Their Own

“Paramedic…Got a call from a woman for a stroke.

[The] patient had ****** droop and slurred speech, said that it feels just like the last time she had a stroke (ten years ago).

[She said] that the symptoms came on about ‘four days ago,’ and she knew the moment it was happening that it was a stroke but didn’t go to the hospital because she ‘thought she could make it go away on her own.'” SeitedeMarie
32. She Was Never Told About The Birds And The Bees – Clearly

There is no intro, no backstory required to get a sense of how this went down. This simple back and forth conversation says it all, and gave the doctor a pretty accurate and immediate understanding of what needs to be done next:

“Me: ‘Any chance you’re pregnant?’

Patient: ‘No.’

Me: ‘Are you ******** active?’

Patient: ‘Yes.’

Me: ‘Why is there no chance you’re pregnant?’

Patient: ‘Because I’m not married.’

Me: ‘Pee in this cup.’ ” TheStaggeringGenius
31. This Would Be A Very Aggressive Approach To Hip Surgery

I don’t blame dad for busting a gut laughing about this.

People are not designed like dolls where arms and legs can just snap off and be put back on:

“My dad is an orthopedic surgeon who does a lot of hip and knee [surgeries]. [He] cries with laughter every time he tells the story of a woman who didn’t understand how hip surgery works and thought they were going to take her leg off, fix the hip, and then reattach her leg.” celerylelery
30. Friends Don’t Let Friends Inject Oil Into Their Nether Regions

There are a million other ways to ignite passion. Take yoga classes. Eat oysters. Try a different position. But getting a friend to inject you down there? I’ll take the dark chocolate, thanks very much:

“A guy came to the outpatient clinic with a swollen left ********.

He said he was injected with some cajuput oil by his friend (with his consent) to enhance his performance in bed. I’m a female medical intern and I tried so hard to keep my expression as neutral as possible.” aspirin325
29. He Got His Facts Very, Very Wrong

Poor guy. Where did he get his info from? Surely if every single one of your eyebrow hairs came loose over the course of one day, that’s cause for concern. But just a few here and there, and after you “tug” at them? No way. That’s quite normal! At least for me, it is:

“I know a guy who went to the doctor in a panic thinking he had cancer because when he tugged his eyebrow hairs, some came loose.” GoldenIdol
28. She Can’t Understand Why She’s Unable To Get Pregnant

Another overheard conversation that would make most people’s eyebrows reach their hairline.

How can she be this misinformed?

“Not a doctor, work in Ultrasound.

Patient: ‘We have been trying to get pregnant for five years with no success.’

Me: ‘Are you currently on any infertility **************************?’

Patient: ‘No, but I have been on birth control for the last seven years.’

Me: ‘You are currently on birth control but also trying to get pregnant.’

Patient: ‘Yes, I like to know when my period is coming.’ ” wildrabbit07
27. He’s Got A Life-Threatening Case Of Acidosis But Eating A Homemade Sandwich Comes First

“I have a few examples: Patient who recently got diagnosed with diabetes, we needed to adjust her ***** sugar levels, but she kept eating sweets.

So we had a talk for like 30 minutes with her about not eating sweets and so on, she seemed to understand. Five minutes after the conversation, she went around drinking a soda.

One patient came in for something-can’t remember what-and when we ran tests we found that he had a pH of 6.97! That is on the border of what the body can have and still have any function at all-read: He should be dead. But he was awake and clear. We wanted to admit him to the ICU and adjust it with utmost care. But he needed to go home to eat a shrimp sandwich.

Yes, a shrimp sandwich.

We sat down and talked to him and his mother for 30 minutes, telling them that no shrimp sandwich in the world is worth your life, and if there is something else you need to get help with we can help him. But nope, he left. He came back a couple of hours later and we cured his acidosis. But that must have been a mean shrimp sandwich.” Xyzar
26. No, She Will Not Get The Doctor To Prescribe ******

“I’m a CNA, not a doctor. With that being said, the other day a patient was telling me that they want the doctor to prescribe them ******.

I told him I’m pretty sure they can’t prescribe anyone ******. Being new to the field, I have learned the ****** epidemic is a very real thing that affects an insane amount of people. I knew it was bad, but I didn’t think it was this bad.” ILoveHotGayMen
25. She Wanted To Shake The Robot’s Hand Before Surgery

“[I’m] not a doctor; however, recently talked to a patient who is getting ready for surgery that involves usage of robotic arms to help remove tumors. Allows for smaller incisions and greater precision.

This patient starts insisting to meet the doctor when it seemed like the consult was wrapped up.

So we get him back in there, thinking maybe she’s got another question. The patient says, ‘I still want to meet the doctor.’ And the doctor points at himself and says, ‘I’m the doctor.’

Patient: ‘I know you’re a doctor, but I want to meet the doctor!’

Doctor: ‘You’ve already met the resident. I’m the doctor doing your procedure.’

Patient: ‘No, not you! I want to meet the robot that’s going to do my surgery! I feel like we should at least shake hands first!’

Apparently, the patient was expecting some metal man to walk through the door. The patient also had ‘cancer cure’ recipes and was insistent we take notes.” NotoriousPumpkin
24. Humans Only Have Baby Teeth And Then Adult Teeth. There’s No Third Chance.

“[I’m] not a doctor but dental nurse.

My favorite was a 30-something-year-old woman who came in for a check-up at the emergency low-cost clinic I worked at. Teeth were broken and almost black, and gums are angry swollen, bright red and bleeding by just moving her tongue against them. [She] needed multiple scaling/hygienist appointments and a debridement.

[The] x-ray showed she had all but her wisdom teeth and 10 fillings, root canals to try and save some teeth and extractions for I think 3, but more if the root canal didn’t work. [I] explained everything and did the usual explanation of proper oral hygiene. [I] asked her if she had any questions to which she says, ‘It’s okay if I lose this set of teeth, my others will come through.’

Me and the dentist just looked at each other probably a lot longer than we should have.

No words. I couldn’t think of anything to reply to that comment. I had a lot of weird and disgusting things happen at that clinic. I actually miss working there.” darkerthanmysoul
23. It’s Not An Emergency Even If Your Head Is Snowing

A dry scalp can be itchy and uncomfortable. It’s not a nice experience but it doesn’t mean your scalp is falling off. In fact, your hair just needs a little tender loving care, and there are plenty of options to help sort you that out-at the pharmacy, not the emergency room at the hospital:

“Student here. A guy came into the ER one time because he noticed dandruff.

Dandruff. Like, have you not heard of Head and Shoulders?” pineapplepizza_zz
22. Smoking Is Smoking Is Smoking No Matter How You Smoke It

Despite the packaging that might say “natural” or “organic,” smoking rolled tobacco is just as harmful, with as many chemicals and additives as tailored cigarettes. Sure, certain brands might be a little more natural, but it’s akin to arguing about which floor is safer to jump out of, the 23rd or the 26th?

“I was asked by a patient on the respiratory ward if I thought his lung cancer might have had anything to do with his 50-a-day smoking habit because he smoked roll-ups and he wasn’t sure if they counted.

I struggled to keep a straight face, and said yes, and busied myself in his chart.” vc-10
21. No, You Shouldn’t Use A Week’s Worth Of Meds In One Go

While we all want to be more efficient at our daily routines and tasks, there are some things that cannot and shouldn’t be rushed-like medication:

“My wife is an RN who works at an outpatient surgery center. Cataract surgery is one of the common surgeries that they do. Patients are told that after the surgery, they should put eye drops in four times a day for one week, so 28 drops altogether. One patient asked if it would be okay to just put the 28 drops in all at once so they didn’t have to deal with it for a week…” barto5
20. If You Have A Severe Reaction The First Time, You Will Have It Again The 2nd Time

The first time was by accident, and the second time was just for kicks? To see how it feels in case the first time was just a joke; a false alarm? Oh, boy.

This would not be fun for anyone involved, patient or doctor:

“The guy who had previously had an anaphylactic reaction to a foodstuff, but wasn’t sure he was ‘really allergic,’ thought he’d test it out by bringing some to the ED waiting room and eating it. Spoiler: He was really allergic.” lasaucerouge
19. She’s Allergic To The Impossible

Sometimes you just can’t hide your reaction. Even as a medical professional, some moments are too golden to hold back. Like this one. At least the doctor wasn’t in the immediate vicinity as the patient:

“Respiratory Therapist here. [I] was working ER and was told we were getting a patient in respiratory distress.

When she gets in she is having problems breathing and needs oxygen. I’m placing an oxygen mask on her and she yells, ‘I’m allergic to oxygen!’ I heard the doctor laugh behind the curtains.” Hoax13
18. The Human Body Doesn’t Function Like A Balloon

Imagine if the body did indeed deflate! You’d have to say bye bye to beans, see ya later to chili, may another day to milk…all these yummy foods that, well, cause gas but would lead to your crumpled body on the floor…?!:

“My one patient used to hold in her farts to the point of being in antagonizing pain because she thought that there was a certain amount of air inside a person, and if you let too much out you’ll deflate.” Blair_Bubbles
17. What Sitting On A Cactus Doesn’t Look Like

“Not a doc, but work at an ER.

I was putting in charges one night and one of the doctors had forgotten to mark the chart appropriately, so I looked at the diagnosis. It read ‘Imagined object in *******.’ I went back to joke about this and got the story.

A woman came in and said she’d accidentally sat on a cactus and had spines in her *******. The doctor (with a female nurse in the room) had to go looking and never found a single thing, including any wounds or signs of irritation.

When I sarcastically asked why someone would do that, the doctor on at the time said, ‘Well, I guess if you’ve got nothing better to do on a Friday night.’ ” Patitomuerto
16. The Female Anatomy Might Be A Little Complicated Even For Some Females

“I had a patient on my OBGYN rotation who was in her 50s and decided that her ******** was actually a growth and needed to be removed.

She came in three different times to talk to different residents over a month and would never understand that she’s always had it and it’s supposed to be there.

We even printed off a diagram of normal female anatomy to explain. Then she started saying her urethra was actually the growth and she wanted that removed. We explained she wouldn’t be able to empty her bladder without it and she then demanded her bladder be taken out too. I think she should have been referred to psych…” o_lissencephalic
15. Because The First Time Didn’t Hurt And It Wasn’t Traumatic Enough

“Surgical resident here. [I] had a man in his 60s who came in because he’d inserted a plastic jar full of supplement pills into his rectum.

This is despite the fact that a few years prior, he had done the same thing, it had perforated his bowel, and he ended up requiring an emergency laparotomy (big cut down the middle of his abdomen) and a Hartmann’s procedure (cutting out his sigmoid colon which had perforated), leaving him with an end-colostomy (the loop of bowel before the part that had perforated was brought out to his skin, emptying into a bag he had to change).

He had the bag for 2 years, and then another procedure to reverse it. He must’ve really enjoyed it. We went for a dig with a colonoscope and eventually got it out.” Reddit User
14. She Went To Emergency Because She’s Hard To Wake Up

“Medical doctor here:

[I] saw a young woman in the Emergency Department.

Her primary complaint, per the triage nurse’s note, was ‘lethargy,’ but she was awake and alert when I went to see her. I told her that she didn’t look lethargic, and most patients who are lethargic come by ambulance rather than walking into the ED, so I was wondering what she meant.

She started to tell me, ‘Well, last night while I was sleeping…’, and I interrupted her because, of course, people are a bit lethargic when they are sleeping. But I caught myself and asked her to continue. She then tells me this story:

‘So, last night when I was sleeping, I was talking in my sleep.

People have always told me that I talk in my sleep: my family, room-mates, you know. So anyway, I was talking in my sleep, and I was saying, ‘Mary, (that’s my roommate’s name), Mary-wake me up!’ And it was really hard for her to rouse me from sleep.’

Me: ‘And that’s why you’re here today?’

Her: ‘Yes.’ ” ToxDocMD
13. Patient Makes A Big Confession Before Doctor Discovers The Biggest Bug He’s Ever Seen

“A patient of my dad’s (a dermatologist) had a visit from a city councilman who presented with a large brown growth on the tip of his *****. He started by confessing, ‘I haven’t exactly been faithful to my wife recently.’

After a close-up inspection, my dad asked him ‘Have you done any camping recently, Ted?’ He replied, ‘Why yes, I took the boys to Arkansas two weeks ago.

How did you know?’

‘Because you have the largest wood tick on your ***** I’ve ever seen.’ Advaita63
12. His Pants Were Literally On Fire And He Did It All By Himself

“I had a fella come into the ER who was stone sober, but only because he had spilled all of his rubbing alcohol onto his pants, which meant he couldn’t drink it.

The reason why he was in the ER in the first place was that he tried to burn the alcohol off of his jeans by lighting the alcohol on fire, thinking the alcohol would burn and not his pants.

He had some pretty rowdy burns from the calves down because he couldn’t get his pants off of his shoes.

To be honest, pretty nice guy…absolutely the kind you’d expect to light themselves on fire, but he was very pleasant considering the circumstances.” MildlyInnapropriate
11. Nurse Gets A Little Overexcited About Popping A “Pimple”

“[I] had to explain to a nurse that what she is seeing inside her daughter’s ear on an otoscope is normal and NOT a pimple, as she had thought initially, and that she should NOT pop it with a needle as she had originally planned.

She was my nurse at the time (I’m a physician’s assistant), texted me the night before saying she found a pimple in her daughter’s ear and that she was going to pop it with a needle.

[I] called her immediately and told her to leave it alone and bring the child in the next morning for me to look at.”  Comrade_Fancypants
10. New Mom’s Family Can’t Understand What Makes A Boy A Boy

Uhhhh, it’s not like she delivered a little alien from planet Mars. Not sure what they were all expecting, it’s a 50/50 chance…do they know how she managed to get pregnant in the first place?

“After my sister helped to deliver a baby boy, she had to explain to the mother, the grandmother, and the great-grandmother what the ***** and ******* were. They were all pointing at it and acting very confused.” cspotphantom
9. His Made Up A Religious Objection

“I had a patient who was paralyzed from a lower back problem that was reversible by surgery.

The night before surgery, his ***** glucose was getting up pretty high, like 500ish and climbing. I told him we had to start an insulin drip to control it. Wound healing and infection risk are greatly affected, and no surgeon would do this surgery with a BG this high.

He then drops this line: ‘It is against my religion.’ Ok, in fairness, I get religious issues all the time, so I try to be a good doctor and ask.

He states he is Catholic. It took me an hour of my life at 3 AM to get him to take his insulin. He was ever so close to spending another day without the use of his legs because he made up a religious objection to insulin.

I can’t fathom the stupidity that had to be conjured in order to roll that dude.” Dhoy1
8. She Had No Idea Why Her Skin Was Changing Color

“Not a doctor, but when I was in college this girl I was dating called me all freaked out that her skin ‘was turning black.’ This was midday during the week. She said she was going to the hospital. My house was across the street from the University hospital so I decided to head over to see what was up. She was distraught.

I went into the examination room with her and she explained her situation to the doctor and showed him her arm.

The doctor just licked his thumb and rubbed her arm. Turns out she was wearing a brand-new black sweater and some of the fibers rubbed off on her arms.” ampshade2818
7. Birth Control Pills Go In Your Mouth And Nowhere Else

Wow, this would be hard to wrap my brain around too. It apparently does happen, but I just don’t know how! Every pregnant woman I’ve ever seen has been quite visibly expecting:

“Ob-Gyn doctor here, 40 years experience. About once a year [I] would take care of someone in full blown labor, full term, who did not know she was pregnant. Very hard to wrap my head around, I guess the denial power of the mind is substantial.” tazwell427
6. She Asked Her Dog To Lick Her Wound To Heal It Faster

There’s a lot of stuff going on in a dog’s mouth.

While most bacteria are relatively benign, there’s always the chance that you can pick up a parasite that can cause further complications. Let’s not forget how close dogs get to each other’s behinds when they first meet:

“Put a very expensive implanted device in a patient with government-funded care. She came to the follow-up appointment with a gaping wide infected wound. Said she thought it would help it to heal if she had her dog lick it. The device had to be removed and discarded.” Craniectomy
5. He Called To Say That He Self-Diagnosed Himself As Dead

“I’m a first responder for psych-related issues. I had one patient self-diagnose themselves as being dead.

Emergency medical technicians didn’t believe him. He was quite insistent though and wanted an ambulance ride because he thought a dead person ought to have one.

The EMTs argued with him, stating that he was both standing and talking. He countered that he was in ****. In fact, he was just extremely intoxicated on a bad combination of substances. I had a fun hour with him while he came back down to Earth.” Reddit User
4. She’s Going To Find Out Why She’s Bleeding

“I had a mom and grandma bring their 12-year-old daughter/granddaughter to the emergency room because she was bleeding.

Not from trauma or a wound mind you, the poor girl had started menstruating and the mom didn’t want to explain what was happening or started to happen, nor that it would continue to happen-as mom and grandma well knew.

On the upside, it was a very quick ER visit once they were actually seen.” oracle9999
3. This Is What Happens When You Drink A Bottle Of Acid You Find In A Ditch:

“There was a 24-year-old patient who was brought in from a jail in a rural county. He was working roadside cleanup when he found a bottle in a ditch that he thought contained alcohol and he quickly chugged it down. To be fair, it did look like whiskey. It wasn’t.
It turns out it was a substance that contained sulfuric acid. Its pH was less than 2.5…it just ate up the litmus paper.

So, shortly after he gets to the ICU, he is in excruciating pain and vomiting *****.

The gastroenterologist took him to do an EGD (basically a procedure where they can look at the esophagus, stomach and duodenum with a camera attached to a flexible tube) and the pictures were horrendous. You could literally see his stomach and esophageal mucosa eroding away.

He had to be sent off to another hospital where they had an esophageal surgeon who could repair the mess. He, of course, needed multiple surgeries and had a very long hospital stay. I saw him a few months later when he was admitted for another issue.

He was down to 90 lbs (from about 150) and was getting fed through a PEG tube.

He was very lucky to be young and otherwise healthy (but obviously not very smart).” LedRaptor
2. Man’s Frosting Mask Doesn’t Help His Low ***** Sugar

“Paramedic here: Called for a diabetic. I get there, and the patient is an older gentleman who is laying on a bed with what looks like a white mask on. I ask what’s going on, and the family goes on to explain that he’s a diabetic, and the doc told them to give him frosting if his sugar gets low because the sugar content will perk him up.

Turns out he didn’t explain that they should put it in his mouth.

That’s right. They put a white frosting mask on this poor guy. Shocker: It didn’t work.” ****************
1. Kid Expels ***** But Forgets One Key Detail

“I’m that patient. My dad is a doctor, and as a kid, I called him in a panic because I was peeing *****. Mind you, we were in Africa at that point and he was doing development work. Told me not to flush and rushed home.

Just to clarify, my dad was in the middle of a meeting with a bunch of big kahunas from different NGOs and I ruined that instance for him.

I’d eaten beets.” dactyif

And, there you have it. These medical professionals have definitely seen their fair share of interesting patients, wouldn’t you agree?