People Are Determined To Know Our Opinions In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Telling My Squeamish Father About My Illness?
“I, (18F) am home on break from university. My father and I generally have a positive relationship, although he has expected a lot in terms of household tasks since my mom passed a couple of years back.
Obviously, this doesn’t apply since I’ve been away at school, but since coming home, I’ve been expected to do most of the housekeeping and childcare.
Generally, this doesn’t bother me much aside from the occasional frustration.
But, I recently had an unfortunate run-in with food poisoning, which left me unable/unwilling to keep up with the tasks. My dad is usually a pretty even-keeled guy, but if anything sets him off, it’s coming home to a messy house.
So, he was a little upset after he got home that night, although he had seen me that morning and known I was sick and came into my room to tell me how he had expectations if I wanted to live in his house and have my tuition paid.
Here’s where I may have crossed the line. Upset, I launched into a commentary on my illness. About how I’d been up every hour the night before and it was both ends situation.
You get the picture. This, in any case, would probably be in poor taste, but within my family, it’s pretty well known that my father is very squeamish. One of my first memories of him was from when I got sick as a kid and he freaked out and made himself vomit.
In short, he doesn’t do well with even verbal descriptions of vomit. As I was describing the details, he looked visibly nauseated and left the room. He did not come back that evening, and he hasn’t brought it up since.
So, now, I’m trying to decide whether or not I’m the jerk here. I was just frustrated at the time, but still can’t quite decide if I’ve verged quite into jerk territory since I also feel like his expectations weren’t exactly reasonable.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, obviously. It is also COMPLETELY inappropriate for him to threaten you in any way, shape, or form. I say threaten because it’s not like he calmly had a discussion with you about the rules and expectations of living in his house, he barged into your room while you were sick to berate you.
That is verbally not okay, and I am suspicious that the setup he has of you being responsible for doing all chores is also on the abusive side. Not to mention how making you fill your late mother’s shoes is just gross.
I’m sorry you have to deal with him and I encourage you to firmly stand up to him when he makes unreasonable demands of you.” rhymes_with_mayo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, not really.
Yes, you probably could have made the same point by simply asking him if he would feel like working if he has the flu. However, having experienced food poisoning myself, not to mention the flu, I totally understand your frustration and lack of a filter.
If he doesn’t learn from this episode though, there are larger issues at hand.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He knew you were ill and still complained. You are not your late mother’s replacement.
HE is the parental figure and needs to figure his household out. Should you help when you’re home from uni? Yes. Should everything fall on your shoulders? NO.
Condolences on your mom’s passing.
Mine passed away when I was 19 and I have two younger brothers, so I get it.” columbospeugeot
17. AITJ For Telling My Friend's Ex To Get Lost?
“So back in 2017, when I (19) was in high school my friend ‘David’ had a partner named ‘Sam’.
David genuinely liked sam however he was a total creep. As an example, Sam never showed affection to David unless it was naughty. And often would dismiss his feelings. Even so far as to call David harsh names when he refused his advances.
Which had David feeling down for a while and it took some time for him to be his old self again.
But when David broke up with Sam. Sam would constantly stare at David or anyone else in our friend group.
Which creeped us out a lot. He would also ask how was David doing constantly even though he never cared when they were together.
When we graduated, no one heard anything from sam until about 3 days ago.
My friend ‘Emma’ ended up getting a message from him on social media asking what’s up. She didn’t respond and blocked him. Turns out, he’s been contacting the whole friend group (6 of us total).
When one of us actually responded he wanted to know how David was doing and he looked ‘cute’ in his posts yet never responded to his DMs. This just set us all off since David blocked him on all socials once they broke up.
And David said he still had him blocked.
He ended up contacting me and I just went off on him, calling him a creep and a few words I can’t say here.
Apparently, he made a post on us saying he never asked to get ‘harassed’ and just wanted to ‘reconnect’.
So AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s manipulative behavior trying to talk back into the group and after being called out, immediately turning on to post stuff on social media.
Sam full-on tried to guilt trip you for calling him out (in private) by calling you out in public without (I’m assuming) giving the backstory of why you called him out in the first place.
Don’t let him guilt trip you.” AsphyxiaOfTheSoul
Another User Comments:
“LMAOOOO no definitely NTJ. He is being a creep and should learn to respect boundaries. Isn’t it already obvious enough for a person to back off if said ‘No’ to or is not responded to?
Also, the whole friend group has him blocked.
Yeah, persistence is key but definitely not in this instance. Sam should literally get out or a restraining order is gonna be coming his way.” IDGAF_FFS
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s working his way around the circle of friends trying to find out who’ll let him back in so he can continue his creepy behavior. He’s obviously been finding ways to view David’s pictures despite being blocked, he’s gross and a creeper.” carolinediva
16. AITJ For Shaming My Stepmom During Dinner?
“My (27F) mother passed away due to an illness when I was seven, and my father (52M) remarried when I was nine to my stepmother (42F). Prior to getting married, my father and stepmother did have an affair, while my mother was ill.
Their affair resulted in ‘Rose’ (20F), my half-sister. Growing up, I have always resented my father and stepmother. Rose and I have not had the best relationship, and my father has been openly biased toward her, while my stepmother would often pick my side in arguments.
I am engaged to my college sweetheart ‘Josh’ (27M) and we will be married in two months. We are also currently expecting our first child. I am on good terms with his entire family, and I am particularly closest to his sister ‘Emily’ (25F).
Last week, we had planned a double-date movie night. Something came up, and Emily’s date was unable to attend. It so turned out that Rose had heard my phone call with Emily, and she pleaded with me that she wanted to attend the movie night event with the extra ticket.
I didn’t want Rose to join in, and so I told her that I was sorry and that I didn’t want her to be there. She complained to our father, who yelled at me for being an ungrateful sister and useless like my late mother.
I was hurt by this, and so I relented and allowed Rose to accompany us after my stepmother begged me. The four of us ended up going to the movie theater together.
During the middle of the movie, I felt incredibly nauseous and hence left for the women’s restroom with Emily. Afterward, I decided to take a walk to feel better, and Emily said she wanted to give me company.
Although Josh asked me if I needed him to come, I told him he could enjoy the movie. After the movie was over, Josh pulled me aside and said that after Emily and I left, Rose had been flirting with him and tried to make a pass on him multiple times.
He told me he was annoyed and uncomfortable and this only made me feel angry. The next day (I slept over at Josh’s house), I yelled at Rose for behaving inappropriately towards my fiance to which she responded ‘Maybe I’ll be the one marrying him’.
To which I responded, ‘What else can I expect from you when you’re the daughter of (insert stepmother’s name)’. My father screamed at me for insulting his wife. My stepmother started crying and said that she loved me like her own daughter and would never expect this to come from me.
AITJ? I think I could be the jerk because I’ve rarely seen my stepmother cry during family dinner, and I think that I may have hurt her feelings. I’ve never liked her since I was a child, but she’s always treated me nicely.
I feel that my hormones made me a bit more sensitive than usual and I snapped. I spoke about this matter to Josh, and he is furious that my stepmother and dad made a whole scene to make me feel bad.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your father and she had an affair while your mom was dying. Infidelity is awful under normal circumstances, but it is despicable to do it while the poor spouse is ill.
I mean, the two parties would have to be somewhat sociopathic to do it with no remorse. In addition, it was beyond low for your dad to call your mom useless.
If you feel inclined to apologize for your insult, DO NOT – DO. NOT. do so without calling him on this and demanding one for that (and any other time he has insulted your mom).
Both your stepmother and Rose are butt hurt that they are being called out for their reprehensible behavior. It sounds like you may have had a history of caving into them, so they expected you would do so this time.
DON’T. CAVE. AGAIN. Hold Rose accountable for any behavior against you – even if your dad fights you on it. If you have unresolved issues with your stepmom, it’s time to confront her, and do not let her crying manipulate you into feeling guilty.
It is manipulation. Finally, NEVER let your dad insult your mom. He had an affair while she was dying. He did enough to her.” Foreign-Tourist-471
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
So, your stepmother was 22 when your mother passed away, so depending on when the affair started, she was probably about 21, maybe even 20.
She was college age, she was legally adult, mentally a teenager, and your father was 31-32 AND HER BOSS. He was in a position of POWER over her and may have even been able to uproot her entire career.
Not saying it excuses her, but I think you are placing FAR too much blame on your stepmother, who, by your own admission, FEELS GUILTY for what she did. She should NOT get equal blame for the affair – Some blame, sure, but HE was the one with the commitment.
The child. The marriage. The poor wife. She was MAYBE a college graduate, maybe a college student still, in a subordinate position to your father, her boss.
It sounds like she has tried to make up for this for most of your life, and you continue to shun her and blame her for something that was AT LEAST 80% on YOUR FATHER, and the way your sister treats you.
That is 100% on your dad. Not your stepmom. Stop using her as your scapegoat and start giving the majority of the blame to the person who ACTUALLY deserves it – Your father.” Amberleh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was 22 and he was 32. She was an adult. Even though he was her boss, she was his secretary which means that she knew he had a wife and a kid.
If she actually changed she wouldn’t have stayed in a relationship with him. She wouldn’t have married him. She would’ve seen the error in her ways. But no. She married him, had a kid with him, watched him treat OP unfairly because he hated her mother, and still continued to be married to him.
Personally, I think she needed to hear that insult. It’s weird how everyone is saying ‘oh you don’t know what he told her,’ when that goes both ways.
There are women that will go after the men they want. They don’t care if they’re married. I worked with one. She got fired for harassment. I don’t think your stepmom likes you, I think she’s saving face.
Why does OP have to apologize to stepmom when stepmom and her dad never apologized for having an affair while her mother was dying.” Accomplished_Cup900
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, yeah.
Everyone sucks except Josh here, keep him because he seems to be a decent sort. You only suck a little bit because of the way you lashed out, but I don’t really feel like that’s your fault because of all the misery you’ve been through.
You know your stepmother has done bad things, but it wasn’t she who hurt you at that time so I think taking it out on her instead of Rose wasn’t great.
It sounds like she tried to make up for the horrible things she did to you- but at the same time, she still sucks.
I think your dad sucks the most, how can he talk that way to you about your mother?!
If you haven’t already, maybe look up narcissism and check out the support threads for narc parents on the internet, might help you deal with his nastiness
I would highly advise talking to a psychologist about all your childhood because you have a lot to work through there.” Dontdrinkthecoffee
15. AITJ For Telling My Mom She's The One Who Told Me To Mind My Own Business?
“So I (14F) recently got in trouble with my mother (41F) about being in my older cousin Mia’s (19F) business.
So my cousin Mia recently moved in with us until she could get back on her feet, recently she’s been going out a lot and she’ll tell me and my mom she’s not gonna be out all night then comes back really late at night.
One day I went to mom and asked her if she knew where Mia was (as she’s my favorite cousin and I wanted to hang out with her that day).
She told me to mind my business and to stop asking so many questions about my cousin and what she’s doing. I didn’t wanna argue with my mom as it never gets me anywhere so I let it go.
A couple of hours go by and then my cousin calls my mom to let her know she’s spending the night at her friend’s house. This irritated my mother as my cousin only told her that she was going out, not spending the night anywhere.
So she goes off on my cousin and in the end told her to come home. After the call had ended she started talking to me about it. And telling me everything that my cousin had been doing lately.
I sat there and listened but didn’t say anything. She called me rude and said that I never listened to her and said she wanted my opinion on the situation.
I told her I was listening but I didn’t have an opinion on the situation since it was not my business and she told me to mind my business. This… triggers my mom.
She begins yelling at me and calling me names and telling me that she doesn’t care about what she said if she was asking me for something then I needed to do it.
She went on for 2 hours about the situation and then left me alone when her friend came over. I talked this over with my friend and they stated I was being disrespectful and that I should apologize to my mom.
My gut tells me not to but I’m honestly not too sure.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
None of this is about you. Your mom is reacting to Mia and projecting her feelings onto you.
That’s why she’s contradicting herself — she’s not being rational.
I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong here. With that said look at this pragmatically. If you apologize will your life be better?
Does your mom want an apology or does she want you to drop it? She’s not being rational so engaging rationally is unlikely to help you. Consider going with the flow when your mom starts acting like this — blithely agreeing might buy you some peace and quiet.” heliotrope5
Another User Comments:
“No one likes a dose of malicious compliance thrown in their face but you’re 14 and it is your duty to be a pain to your parents If someone were to pull that move on me (if I was in your mom’s shoes) I’d call them a jerk under my breath.
But overall, I don’t think you are a jerk. This situation is indeed your business. It’s your house too. The extra person there (especially a 19-year-old girl) who has an influence on you is indeed your business.
But you need to be sure not to come off as nosy and also; best not to step on your parents’ or your cousin’s toes. NTJ, good luck” Throwaway_lie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, parents have major issues with their own children pointing out inconsistencies and hypocrisies. Personally, I think the solution for that is for the parents to just be better.
Her immature response to you not being perfectly obedient to her whims regardless of what she actually tells you to do aren’t your problem to solve.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t help you with dealing with it for the next few years… sorry dude.” CopsaLau
14. AITJ For Upsetting My Mom?
“I (underaged female) was helping to make dinner with the rest of my family. My mother was looking at her phone and saw a video of her friend’s son snowboarding and commented out loud about how I would have fun learning and I simply said that there was a chance I wouldn’t. It felt like she thought and expected that I would 100 percent love it, but I didn’t really want to try it.
Then she snaps and says so your saying I’m wrong and I just say well technically anything anyone says can be wrong, she cuts me off and says so everything I say is wrong and gets very upset and goes up to her room
My father sighs and tells me to apologize, but I instead excuse myself to the washroom to avoid the situation. I thought she overreacted but when dinner is done he tells my younger sister to get my mom, but she refuses, so he tells me to get her so I go up to her room and try to get downstairs but goes on to say things.
Examples: You think everything I say is wrong. You think everything I do is a mistake. My first mistake was to bring you into this world. You hate me, don’t you?
You always argue with me. Do you know how many nights I stay awake and worried because of you? Do you know how many times your teachers called me about you?
(Note: these are most on my inability/difficulty to do presentations and not getting into trouble.)
I’ve said multiple times that I don’t hate her and explained what I meant to say but she won’t listen and finally get upset when she says she won’t eat dinner because I’ll be there.
I give up and fine then I’ll eat after you guys and go downstairs but my mom stays in the room and my dad tells me to try again. So, I go back with him he just stands there and says nothing while my mom goes on about me and talks about I’m never happy and always negative and also says that my dad never does anything about me and my attitude.
I also tell her that I don’t think most people would react this way to what I said. But after a bit, she just goes down with no apologies, nothing
We all just go down and eat dinner normally, that’s the thing with my family we can fight but it just stops and we act like it never happened, we don’t talk about it and we don’t really hold grudges.
Fights like this have happened before between me and my mother, she talks about my motivation in school, and how if continue I won’t make it through high school and not go to university.
I think she overreacted, but also think from her perspective, I don’t think she’s a bad person or anything, she is trying her best and does a lot for me and my sister’s future, she signs us up for classes, she foes the housework and expects more from us because how she was raised and I am not the best daughter and feel a bit bad this situation.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I know it’s cliche to say things like this on the internet but that list of things your mom said to you read exactly like a checklist of things people with cluster B personality disorders commonly say to their children.
Regardless if your mother has any diagnoses, this is called narcissistic mistreatment (doesn’t mean she’s a narcissist, just that this style of ‘parenting’ is extraordinarily self-centered). Your father is enabling her behavior.
I would read up on this and/or seek help from a trusted adult or school counselor. Literally, show someone the list you wrote here of the things she said to you.
Any sane adult will see that this is not ok, though sane adults are kinda hard to find. I’m sorry this happened to you.” rhymes_with_mayo
Another User Comments:
“You maybe could have expressed yourself better, but that will come as you gain life experience.
Your mother’s reaction, however, was unacceptable. If you experience this often, you need to talk to someone besides your mother.
Her statements crossed the line into intense mistreatment, as well as victimizing herself. That treatment is a classic narcissist and only escalates.
Can your father be trusted to keep confidence?
If you are in any way unsure, then 0lease consider a teacher, pastor, or trusted adult like the parent of a friend.
NTJ, honey, and I’m sorry you had to talk to strangers to hear that and get affirmations.” User
Another User Comments:
“First of all, I’m really sorry that you’re dealing with this. It sounds very stressful and traumatic.
Secondly, what your mom is doing is not just an overreaction – it’s a form of psychological torment.
Even if you had gotten into some trouble at school, her saying things like ‘everything I say is wrong’ or ‘my first mistake was bringing you into this world’?! That is downright manipulative and was only intended to victimize herself and hurt you.
I’m going to second the other suggestion that you seek therapy. If not for the whole family, then at least for yourself.
My mom also has a tendency to catastrophize things, victimize herself, gaslight me, manipulate me, etc. Therapy didn’t fix my mom’s awful ways, but it has at least helped me to understand her toxic behavior, and find healthy ways to cope with the anger, distrust, and insecurity that I developed as a result of my mother’s emotional mistreatment towards me.
You do NOT deserve to be spoken to that way, by anyone, least of all your own mother. No matter what hurtful things she says – you matter; your feelings matter; you are worthy of existing; you are worthy of being shown love and compassion.
Maybe try talking to your dad about doing some therapy for yourself and see how that goes. If he is receptive to the idea, you could start by doing some sessions by yourself to help unpack how you’re feeling, then eventually invite your parents to join you for a family session when you feel comfortable.
I wish you luck & strength as you find a way to work through this.” td1176
Behind the public eye she knows to stand back now because I don't choose her!
Your mom is childish and needs to grow the wacky up
13. AITJ For Talking Back?
“I’m 15. I’m going to my friend’s house tomorrow and I’m bringing sandwiches for lunch. My parents have been prone to getting extremely mad over me asking for things in the past, so I purposefully tried hard to be kind and appreciative.
I started by asking them ‘if either of you are available to maybe go to the store tomorrow to get stuff for prosciutto sandwiches-‘ when my dad cut me off.
I was going to finish with ‘could we please go together?’ But before I had the chance he jumped in with ‘don’t you mean we drive you and you go into the store yourself?’ I get he didn’t hear me finish, so it could have sounded demanding, but he didn’t let me.
I tried to tell him that but he didn’t listen.
My mom then started questioning if plain prosciutto sandwiches would even be good and started suggesting how to make them better.
I tried to tell her they wouldn’t be plain, we already had stuff for them to be plain and that’s why I wanted to go to the store.
She told me to stop being rude.
There was something in their tones, I’m not sure what, that just set me on edge. So I told them, ‘I’m not sure if this is just how I’m interpreting things because I really do value your help (I didn’t feel like they were helping, but again I was trying to be nice), but to me you sound kind of… I’m not sure, judgmental?’
They exploded on me. My mom was calling me entitled, my dad was scoffing at me. I tried to apologize and explain it wasn’t meant to be rude, but they were so mad.
I told them, ‘I don’t know what’s going on, but this doesn’t feel good.’ To which my mom laughed and said, ‘No it doesn’t!’
I kept trying to defend myself, and they kept getting madder. Eventually, my dad just said ‘you know what? Do whatever you want! I’ll take you to the store!’ Which made no sense, cause I thought we’d moved way past that.
I really don’t know what happened, but should I not have talked back to them like that? Should I not have told them they were being judgmental? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Sweet one, you are definitely NTJ.
Your parents’ actions are disrespectful, cutting you off and then calling you rude just for explaining yourself. I may be assuming too much here but, it sounds like your parents have taught you to be hyper-vigilant of their moods and mannerisms. I would guess you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them a lot.
You’re doing your best to cater to their whims, but you can see how messed up it is, their logic, or lack thereof, makes no sense. If this is accurate, I feel you on a soul level.
If not… move on.
Anywho, I can’t say whether calling them out on being judgemental was a good idea, but it definitely doesn’t make you the jerk. It’s a bold move, for sure.
The most judgemental people in my life cannot fathom being called out on it, which is definitely a them problem.” JellyWoods
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Telling someone, even a parent, that you feel like they are being judgemental shouldn’t result in yelling or calling you rude for it.
It’s not rude to express how others are making you feel. Not sure why your parents got so upset, it’s a little odd. If anyone was rude here it was your parents, especially dad for snapping at you before you could finish your request.” rrawrrrster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My parents went through this phase when I was your age. Now that I am older than they were when they started having kids, we have had some pretty eye-opening conversations about the past.
Here’s the secret: your parents are insecure about their authority and ability to control you right now. They’re not ready to accept you as an adult and are reacting with defensiveness and panic any time you show signs of taking control of the ship.
You’re not the toddler that depended on them for everything which allowed them to control everything in your life. They’re terrified of the fact that the only thing making you obedient to them is that you are choosing to be.
Why does this scare them? That I can’t know for sure. With my parents, it was because they simply weren’t ready to acknowledge my age and maturity. They weren’t willing to believe that I was becoming an adult and that in a few short years, the person they’ve spent the last two decades carefully rearing and protecting and guiding will be off doing god knows what with no real experience of the world to guide them.
And scared parents are angry parents. Anger has more control than fear, so it’s more natural for a parent who just caught their child doing something dangerous to yell at them than it is to cry and beg them to stop.
Unfortunately, that conversation with my parents didn’t result in any tricks or tips to help other teens and parents communicate. My dad in particular said that where he was in his mind would just never have allowed him to relax enough to reconsider the whole situation.
It was too immediate and he was too close. Only by looking back in hindsight, after I’d been a safe and healthy adult for a long time, was he able to see his errors in communication.
I don’t expect any of this to help you deal with them much, all I can suggest is the same thing I did, and just keep trying to stay calm and mature, never take the bait, and wait it out.
Your life won’t be like this forever. And when you move out, especially after a year or two, your relationship with your parents is probably going to be pretty awesome, as they’ll respect you for being a mature adult.
At 15, you still have a ton to learn, but you’re also becoming very mature and responsible. They just have to endure you being off on your own without their help for a few years in order to believe it themselves.” CopsaLau
12. AITJ For Giving Value To Saying "No"?
“My wife’s friend ‘Christine’ is in town visiting her in-laws for the holidays. Christine called my wife and they made plans to go out shopping together the next day. The problem is that Christine expected to drop her 3 kids off at my house first, and I’d babysit them.
Christine did not check with me at any point. Her kids had visited a few days earlier and broken my kids’ toys and I didn’t want them doing that to my kids’ brand-new Christmas toys.
I told my wife I’d be willing to watch Christine’s children outside, perhaps at the park, but not at our home (in California it’s 50F/10C so plenty warm enough for the playground as long as the moms wrap up their shopping by sundown.) My wife brushed off my counteroffer and insisted that it’d be fine to just watch them at our house.
A quick note here: I am highly dyslexic. Wordsmithing is very difficult for me, so I cannot articulate things well on the spot. I also have a rather large chip on my shoulder about my inability to verbally push back being mistaken for me being a pushover.
I know the best action at this point would have been to sit down with my wife and communicate my concerns effectively enough that we could come to a mutually agreed solution.
But that’s a large burden for me; a burden I didn’t ask for, that I won’t benefit from, and that could have been avoided if she listened in the first place.
I did not accept that burden.
Instead, I shrugged and said ‘fine’ with zero intention of going through with it. I feel that if someone’s strategy is ‘Keep pushing until you get the answer you want’ then that person isn’t owed a thing: Not continuing to debate about it, not whatever you need to say so they’ll shut up, and not the courtesy of notifying them later.
So the morning of their planned shopping trip, I waited until half an hour before Christine was set to drop off her kids, and I went on a hike. A 15-mile hike interspersed with increasingly furious phone calls as my wife and Christine realized that their shopping trip wasn’t going to happen unless they took the kids with them.
Was that a jerk move? Absolutely. Was that a jerk move on par with them announcing that I’m going to be babysitting Christine’s 3 children for god-knows-how-long and I have no say in the matter?
Not even close, in my opinion.
What do you think? Were my actions an appropriate response, that turned the tables and screwed over the people attempting to screw me over, who are the real jerks here?
Or am I just a jerk ruining other people’s plans in the most inconvenient way possible because I didn’t get what I wanted?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. A few things:
You could have asked the kids to put their new toys away so Christine’s kids wouldn’t have the chance to break them.
You could have supervised them so the kids wouldn’t have a chance to break the toys.
You could have said, ‘I am not watching the kids at home, only at the park, full stop,’ ‘I said no,’ and ‘I’ve said no a few times now, I am not comfortable watching her kids here.’ ‘I am not watching them at all because you have continued to push my boundaries.’
You could have answered the phone and told her ‘hey, I took off because no one was hearing me when I said I wasn’t watching the kids.’
You could have offered to take the kids WITH you and done a day hike if the park was unacceptable.
It’s the lack of communication and shutting down your wife by LYING to her that makes you the jerk, not wanting to watch the kids at a park or not watch them at all.” InterestingNarwhal82
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. If you’ve been married to your wife long enough that you have kids together, you’ve been together long enough to figure out a mutually acceptable way to communicate with each other.
She’s a jerk for ignoring your concerns when she knows verbal communication is difficult for you.
But you are an even bigger jerk for saying ‘fine’. You literally could have just said ‘No’… it’s also a single syllable and isn’t a lie.
If she’d continued to ignore you, you would have been totally in the right.
As it stands, the only non-jerk here is Christine…she had every reason to believe that your wife was speaking for both of you and made her plans based on that.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but it’s a slightly gentle one. I voted this way because you said ‘fine’ instead of saying ‘no’ again, and then you forced a mini-crisis out of spite/because of the chip on your shoulder.
I wonder if you could talk to your wife and turn this into a really positive thing, though! You might be able to apologize and say, ‘I have a trigger around pushiness that makes it hard for me to communicate, so after you process my apology for a while, let’s talk about how to fix it.’ And then set a time to talk about it and come to that discussion prepared.
At the discussion, you could say, ‘You know about my struggles with communication, and I need you to help me by taking my boundaries seriously. That would look like, say, next time you really want something from me and I say no, you accept the ‘no’ and don’t argue the point with me.
If you argue over me, I will remove myself from the situation and be unavailable to do the thing you want anyway. In return, I will not say ‘fine’ or falsely agree to do the thing, and will instead ask that you end the conversation because I already gave you my answer.’
You could prepare and rehearse a couple of key phrases to have ready in future discussions, like ‘Honey, I said no and I mean no,’ or similar.
Sorry to put words in your mouth; I have trouble finding words in arguments too so I thought it might help to have a place to start.
If you find writing easier and your wife doesn’t mind it, you could ask her to ask you things via text, but I don’t know if that would help with dyslexia; probably not.
Anyway, if you keep communicating with your wife the way you describe in your post, things aren’t going to go well. But you absolutely can come up with a simple system for making sure you don’t get pushed around and dive into spite mode again.” FamousOrphan
Another User Comments:
“Ooooooo this is a juicy one. Petty level 100 and I. AM. Here. For. It.
This is SUPER passive-aggressive. Actually, this is typical passive-aggressive behavior. So, it’s kinda cool to see the inside of your head.
HOWEVER, what you did was not cool. Even though I understand where you’re coming from. I’ll bet your wife is kinda pushy and doesn’t listen and feels if she just talks louder and over you, it’s the way to get what she wants.
That said… you are still the jerk. AND so is she. I’m sure she knows you won’t argue and thought she would get away with being dismissive and bossy again.
But what a surprise she got.
I also kinda get why you just said, ‘FINE’ and left it – though I don’t agree with it. You didn’t want to have to argue about something you don’t want to do.
I’ve been here. I hate it. Why can’t certain people just take your answer as if you didn’t already think it through, amiright? Still…
You both need therapy to communicate better.
Everyone sucks here.” honeypenny
11. AITJ For Ruining My Friend's New Year's Eve?
“I have a history of severe depression and anxiety. It gets worse around this time of year as most of my trauma happened around this time. For the last 2 weeks, I was feeling down but thought celebrating my NYE with my closest friend and his roommates will help me get better.
That was my biggest mistake. I went there and when I got into the room it was full of smoke as they were smoking. Smoke generally makes my head hurt bad and I relayed the same to my friend.
In reply, he blew a puff of smoke in my direction. He apologized and then took me to the bedroom where the air was better. There we entered a conversation and in between, he said something like why I am always sad and why I can’t be like his other friends by being happy.
That made me cry. Like a lot. He left me in the room to greet the other guests who were coming.
Later he came and apologized. He asked me what will make me happy right there.
I said if he could just understand that what was happening is not in my control. My feeling is not in place. He said he will try his best. They we went out for dinner at my favorite cafe.
When we came back he asked me if I would like to join the others. I refused because I didn’t feel like meeting new people. I didn’t have that mental energy.
He left but then one of my other friends came. She asked me ‘If I came all the way there to do this only?’. I think she meant if I came there to just sit inside a room but it again hit a trigger where I thought if I came here to just pout and cry the whole time.
I started crying again. I realized what I am doing is wrong but I just couldn’t muster enough strength to go outside.
Then, my host friend returned and saw me crying again.
He got very upset and told me how I am ruining his and my own life by being like this. That he has done so much for me but I couldn’t get happy just for one night for him.
He said I was ok with sharing stuff with strangers (on the internet) but couldn’t actually go outside and talk to strangers (his friends). He said he was done with me.
He had done everything he could do to appease me but he can’t anymore. Then our mutual 3 friends came and told me how he was so much a better friend than me.
It was basically a rant about how I am not returning the favor of being a true friend. The whole time I kept crying. They left me there. I sat there on the cold floor and cried. I heard them screaming happy new year from the rooftop at midnight but I just sat there.
My friend came back and saw me sitting there. He had tears in his eyes. It broke my heart. I ruined a perfectly good night. He told me this is the last time he was talking to me and told me to go to sleep.
He got into bed with me and I went to sleep. I woke up a couple of times in the night and he was awake the whole time. In the morning I got up and left. I know I am the jerk here but still here for confirmation.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, not everyone understands nor wants to understand mental health and how to deal with it. With that said as someone that also deals with intense depression, especially during the holidays I can say talking to a professional helps me immensely during the times when my mental health is at its worst (and other days of the week.).
Understand this is not your fault and you did not ruin anything the comments by the other friends were unnecessary but also please understand dealing with others’ trauma is draining even when we don’t want it to be.
I’d suggest not taking it personally and giving your friend time and if you don’t already have some time to help you try looking into that. Happy new year!” RichTransportation95
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Your friend is not equipped to handle this. Your friend is not a counselor, they do not have the training or knowledge, or emotional bandwidth to take on this burden for you.
This burden is not you. And this burden is not your fault. This burden is one you are carrying, and it sucks, and you don’t deserve that. And you’re right that you need help to carry it and manage it.
But you need someone who can actually help. You are expecting too much of your friend, he’s just some regular dude.
Try to get in contact with someone for counseling.
A doctor can give you a referral if you’re unsure, and there are many volunteer counselors who work to help people who can’t afford $150 per hour.
You deserve to feel better and to be given the tools to work with yourself on this.” CopsaLau
Another User Comments:
“OP, you are 100% NTJ. All I see in this story is a bunch of losers tormenting somebody with a mental illness that they know you have. Your friend and you obviously have some history and he could have discussed these things with you and that would have been fine, but all the other friends piling on were doing just that.
Piling on. It is a completely childish, mob mentality behavior, regardless if any of their points of view were valid. The method of trying to communicate their views to you was NOT OK.” rhymes_with_mayo
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Called "Obedient" By My Parents?
“My parents are Chinese immigrants. The most common ‘compliment’ I’ve heard up until now is how obedient I am.
They brag about it to their relatives and friends and I’ve always just gone along with it. I do admit that I am obedient, I’ve never caused any trouble in school, and always had fair grades.
But recently I just couldn’t stand them calling me this, I want to be independent and have my own thoughts, I don’t want to just follow them around like a dog following its master.
Today I (18M) brought this up to them when my dad (50M) said I was obedient and while he didn’t react much, my mom (50F) completely lost it. She went on a rant about how she’s Chinese and how in our culture obedience is a virtue.
How she’ll always be Chinese and how she doesn’t understand western culture. I personally never even thought of this as an Asian v. western thing. She cried and said that every day for the rest of her life she would remember that I don’t want to be obedient.
I told her I didn’t think it was this big of a deal and that it was just my personal preference for myself.
EDIT: She has since started giving me the silent treatment.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ for expressing your feelings. But I do think your perception of being ‘obedient’ to your parents is a bit too black and white, and I can see why your mom would feel hurt.
I’m assuming you’re talking about the term guai (obedient, well-behaved) in Chinese. This isn’t to say you’re a slave to your parents and you should do everything they say like a dog.
This is more about being filial — you respect them, and you don’t cause trouble for them unnecessarily. I think you’re trying to directly translate a word to English that doesn’t really exist, due to cultural differences.
However, if this is specifically the English term used, I think you should have a discussion with your mom about potentially substituting it for another word… because being guai isn’t really the same thing as ‘obedience’ in English.” w0lf3h
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As an Indian I can understand where she’s coming from. We’re in the same boat. Might be difficult but you should work on communicating better with her.
Explain to her that you respect them and why the word ‘obedient’ makes u feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately, Asian culture glorifies controlling your kids. But also remember that your parents just want what’s best for you and explain things a little better because they might not understand where you’re coming from and might take it as a sign of disrespect.
Just because you don’t want to be called ‘obedient’ doesn’t mean you’re going to start being rebellious.” WingInformal3830
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, being called obedient is like being bragged about to a neighbor about how they just house-trained their dog and you’ll do anything they tell you to.
It feels a bit disrespectful; they can substitute the word for something you like, and I assume you are obedient and won’t change that so you can explain that to them, but you’d prefer they not call you that and instead call you something else.” User
9. AITJ For Ruining The Floor?
“I (13 M) am really emotionally weak. It might come from trauma, or it might just be that I’m weird, but I cry pretty easily. My parents, however, aren’t fans of this.
They teach me how to do things by throwing me out of the nest and seeing if I fly.
So when I don’t know how to do something, they usually repeat the same unhelpful instructions.
They get frustrated, I get stressed, I start crying, and they start yelling. I’ve been trying to break the cycle.
My dad asks me to clean under my bed once a month and expects me to move it aside.
I try pushing it, but just see that I’m going to scrape the floor. I’m definitely not strong enough to pick it up, so I just crawl under it to pick stuff up from there.
I’m pretty skinny and flexible, but can’t reach a certain part of my bed. So I just leave it there thinking ‘it’s just some wrappers’. What I didn’t know, is that when my parents get fed up with the dog, they toss him in my room at night.
Causing him to sleep under my bed, and pee on the floor where I can’t get it.
The smell of my room started to become worse and worse with the odor of urine becoming too strong, so I threw out my rug because I thought the dog might be peeing on that.
Today my dad took apart my bed and moved it aside to renovate my room. Lifting it up, there was a huge stain(?) of pee under my bed. He told me that I clearly don’t care about this house and that it would cost over $5,000 trying to fix it.
I knew that my family wasn’t the most financially stable, and I didn’t want to cause more issues. I start crying and asking how I didn’t know that it was there.
He started yelling even louder, claiming that I’m spewing crocodile tears. I feel so bad up to this point that I just lock myself in the bathroom to recollect.
I hear my mom talking to my dad about the possibility of me being a sociopath, and that she doesn’t know what to do with me anymore.
I don’t know if I’m in the wrong or not, because I truthfully didn’t know. But on the other hand, I should’ve worked harder and just lifted the thing. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but sweetheart you are only13, you should not have to come to Reddit for something that is a medical condition that your family is ignoring and blaming rather than listening and resolving.
Do you have a family member, Doctor, or teacher that you may speak with? Your parents are being terrible. Sending you hugs. If you’re in the US, I may be able to send you some reading materials so you may try to work on this yourself but you need a doctor’s appointment quick!
There may be a bigger medical issue that needs fast attention.” IMtheG8estBee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents are not kind and seem to lose their patience easily. They do the same with your poor dog by putting him in your room instead of taking care of him.
Your dad exaggerated that figure to make you feel bad. If it’s an area under your bed, they can cover it with a rug and take care of it when they can.
That’s what most parents would do, it’s just part of having a kid. I don’t know what’s wrong with the dog peeing, maybe it needs to be let out more but once they pee indoors you have to use a special enzymatic cleaner to remove all traces of the scent or they will keep peeing there.
Maybe you can put some type of barrier so the dog can’t go under the bed and trash doesn’t end up under there either. Or your dad can add blocks to make your bed higher and you’ll be able to fit under and clean.
Have your parents get a crate for the dog to sleep in if they want to put him in your room. This is really their responsibility even though they are blaming you.
I’m sorry they suck. I’m very sensitive too and have always cried easily and I’m an old grown-up now. Being this way made me very sensitive to my son’s and other kids’ feelings.
I make sure I’m kind and don’t lash out at them when I’m having a bad day. Hang in there, talk to a counselor, you will be a better person than your parents.” TemporaryMeringue714
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your parents suck. You are 13 and not responsible for a dog peeing under your bed.
I had much the same growing up. My parents weren’t necessarily bad people, but neither were equipped to have children and as such most things ended up with my mother yelling and me crying.
I’m still not the most emotionally stable person but once I was away from that toxic environment and started therapy things did massively improve.
You are not a sociopath.
I can guess that. Believe it or not, it’s one of the things I got called. What they’re doing is trying to alleviate any responsibility they have for your emotions and general mental health by labeling you.
Don’t listen to it.
Try and speak to someone, a teacher, a friend’s parent who you get along with.” Full_Worldliness1480
8. AITJ For Calling My Brother's Partner "Babe"?
“I (22F) am the type of person who likes pet names and will call mostly anyone as long as it is not inappropriate (ie my boss, doctors, in-laws, etc…) and as long as the person has not said anything about feeling uncomfortable with it.
That being said and out of the way, me, my brother (26M) and his partner (25F) have always been pretty close and rarely disagree with one another. Now, this is nothing new like I said I’ve always called people I’m close with pet names and my brother’s partner is no exception.
An example is she’ll hand me something and I’ll say ‘thanks babe’ or ‘you’re welcome babe’ or just anything like that and neither one of them seemed to have any issues with it until recently my brother asked me to stop because it made his partner feel uncomfortable so I did because I would never want to make her or anyone feel that way.
Fast forward I started calling her by her name instead of saying thanks babe I would say ‘thanks (her name)’ she confronted me about it and asked if I was mad at her I said no I just wanted to respect her boundaries and she seemed confused so she asked my brother and he said he was the one to told me to stop it created a fight between them one thing led to another my brother called me a jerk for starting the fight and not respecting his relationship I genuinely do not think I did any of that but maybe I should’ve just never called his partner any pet name so AITJ here for calling my brother’s partner babe?
EDIT: I am bi so I made sure to ask her before this fight if she felt uncomfortable in any way with me calling her pet names she said no and assured me after I asked two more times but I still don’t think my gender should be an issue for my brother if it’s not an issue for his partner.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I do the same thing with pet names especially if I’m close with them, I call all my lady friends babe/babes all the time even my husband babe.
I also call people hun, sweets, love, and all that jazz.
Your brother needs to sit down and just be honest with both you and the girl about why he lied about this, if it made him uncomfortable then he should have stated that a while ago not let it go on for so long.
Let things cool down between him and her, maybe give him a quick ‘hey sorry if I made you uncomfortable with calling your partner babe, but I really wish you would have just been honest with me.’ then see if the two of you can come up with a compromise for pet names for partners that he’d be cool with?
I wish you luck but again NTJ.” Sailuker
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s clearly a controlling jerk and a liar. You didn’t create the problem, he did. Now he’s lashing out because he was caught.
If he had an issue with his sister calling his partner babe, (which is weird and stupid that he cares), then he should’ve just said that. What did he think would happen when you suddenly changed how you address his partner?
Of course, she was going to notice and question it. You did nothing wrong but it sounds like your brother had some issues he needs to address.” Turbulent-Army2631
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother was feeling insecure and decided to put you in the middle of his relationship by lying about his partner’s feelings. You were respectful and stopped using the pet names the moment he told you.
I think he acted emotionally and didn’t think it through, because it was quite likely his partner was going to ask what was going on if you suddenly started treating her differently after months or years.
You didn’t start the fight the same way a person who is strolling through a field and steps in a mine didn’t start the war. The one digging holes and hiding bombs did.” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
7. AITJ For Saying I'll Sell My Husband's Stuff?
“My (36F) husband (49M) have been together 18 years.
Finances have always been a problem between us – I am frugal, and he is not. We have always kept separate bank accounts and split expenses, depending on how much each of us was making.
After I graduated from college, I began making more than him. I covered most of our living expenses at that time. Then we began making roughly the same amount and started splitting our expenses 50/50.
The problem is like I said, he isn’t good with finances. It’s cost me significantly financially because he is so bad with finances. He makes irresponsible decisions and spends recklessly.
So over the years, I have picked up more than my half, even when he was out-earning me by a lot. He wasn’t always honest with me as far as how much he was making, and I wouldn’t find out until we filed taxes, then I realized he was making way more than my pay and having me pay for 75-80% of our expenses.
When the global crisis hit, I was laid off. He reassured me that he would pay for things and that I wouldn’t have to worry. Well, he did for 3 months.
Then he decided he was going to quit his very well-paying job, which we could have easily lived off of alone, and open his own business from home. I was not happy about this because I felt like it wasn’t a good idea when I wasn’t working and was having a hard time finding a job to lose a steady paycheck.
I was lucky enough to get a very good job about 6 months later. My job would be enough for us to live comfortably if he was contributing some. Right now he is not able to consistently pay his half of the mortgage on time and the only other bill he pays is for our cell phones.
Everything else is on me. His business is not doing as well as he initially thought he would, and this has been going on for over a year. I am literally carrying almost the entire financial weight, even though he somehow has enough to buy stuff for his business.
Even though I have a good income (low 6 figures) you wouldn’t know it because I usually have nothing left after each paycheck because of how much falls on me.
I have reached my breaking point and told him that if he doesn’t get a job within the next 6 weeks that I am selling all of his business assets.
At this point, I don’t even care what kind of job he gets. He just needs to have a steady paycheck. He got angry when I said this and says I’m being unsupportive and that I don’t believe in him or his business.
He said I’ve always been negative about it and that this just shows that I am negative and I’m not giving him a chance. I feel like I’ve given him plenty of chances, and I am tired of it.
It has impacted how I feel about him and I am honestly considering filing for a divorce if he doesn’t get a job. It makes me feel like I am being greedy though since he says all I care about is finances.
I honestly don’t but I am tired of instability and living like this. So AITJ for threatening to sell his business assets?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but could you legally do anything as his wife?
Not sure how that all works. It sounds like at this point either get counseling or take the loss. There’s a difference between ‘not about finances’ and sharing financial burdens.
I would leave my fiance sooooo fast if he did something as selfish as that. You were unemployed and it sounds like some half-baked plan on his end. Lying to you about finances?
Sounds like a major red flag and I’d get some legal presence either an accountant or lawyer or someone to really comb his finances. The fact that he magically seems to have income and you’ve paid 75-80% of things while he was working sounds to me like he’s hiding money.
Protect yourself first and get financially situated in case things go down.” altaawesome
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for cutting down on his stuff to tighten your belts (his collectibles, trinkets, excess subscriptions, fun outings, etc.) but realistically you can’t touch his business, though you’re still not the jerk for threatening it.
You’re paying all the bills, you hold the final say on what gets paid for and he needs to contribute.
But honestly, I don’t think getting rid of his business right now is going to help him wake up to the reality of the situation you’re in.
He’s already told you outright that he has a ‘you vs him’ mindset on the business, and he’s very likely not going to turn around on this in 6 weeks. He hasn’t in over a year, which is part of nearly 20 years of financial habits with you.
Get him in a financial management class and let him know that this is a completely relationship-ending level of seriousness for you, but plan for the worst.” iolight
Another User Comments:
“You will be the jerk if you touch his business, especially if your name isn’t on the paperwork. Before you do anything get a lawyer and discuss this with them because that can be a huuuuuuuge legal battle you don’t need to fight.
That said, I strongly suggest you hit the lawyer and start the paperwork. You said it was always like this and you gave plenty of chances so that rules out the ‘let’s talk about it’ strategy.
You can be his wife but it isn’t your duty to educate him financially when you have been fighting most of the time to keep him afloat. That doesn’t make you ‘greedy’, it makes you remotely financially responsible.
If you choose to get a divorce or any other remedy, NTJ. Touching the business asset, especially without your name on it, YTJ huge time.” junnichie
6. AITJ For Making My Husband Do Skin Care With Me?
“My (28F) husband (30M) have been together for 7 years and have a 4-year-old son together. My husband has a job that requires him to be outdoors sometimes. He is a very good-looking person with amazing skin that doesn’t really tan and doesn’t require a lot of looking after, to be honest. Still, since last year I started making him do a simple skincare routine with me at night and use sunscreen before going to work.
I will be honest that he was not really keen on it at first. He thought of it as a hassle. I said that I would be the one putting everything on him and he just had to wash his face and sit still.
I put on a moisturizer, a serum, and under-eye cream on him.
On weekends we also do face masks. Over time it has become a sort of a bonding time for us, especially the weekend mask routine and he remarked how it made his skin soft and felt refreshing Last week we had a family get together and my son must have blurted out this in front of someone (I don’t really know how or what exactly happened, I asked my son later at night but he said he forgot haha) because his brother and few of his cousins made few jokes about how it’s a girly thing to do or something similar.
A few other family members joined but since according to me it was not really malicious and my husband also dint really get angry, I laughed politely and left it at that.
But since then he has refused to do the nightly routine or the face mask routine. I thought he was joking at first but he said he was serious and he really didn’t need any of it because his skin condition is great and none of his friends or male cousins do it.
I said I thought the face mask routine on weekends was a bonding time for both of us that we both loved but he said he only took part in it to make me happy.
I also asked why did he then say that all of this did make him feel refreshed but he said that while it did, it wasn’t all worth the hassle.
I was really sad because he was not really doing anything except sitting on the bed and washing his face and I was the one putting stuff on him. I asked him if he would be alright with just putting on sunscreen and doing the weekend routine but he refused outright.
I then angrily said that none of what his cousins or his brother said was malicious and he shouldn’t have such a fragile ego. We argued about it and have had this weird atmosphere between us since morning (all of this happened yesterday) I don’t think I am wrong because everyone should have a skincare routine and wear sunscreen but maybe it’s not correct to force him if he is really so averse to the idea?
UPDATE: So my husband spent the day with a few of his friends and they might have sensed something because they asked and he told what happened and well everyone laughed because it was a pretty stupid argument and they said it really was not big of a deal for men to take care of their skin these days and they were, in fact, jealous that I was the one applying things to his skin.
For context, and I think I should have mentioned it before, we are Asians and I am assuming in the west, there is more taboo regarding men using skincare products and makeup because here nowadays, a lot of men especially the young ones have more rigorous skincare routine than most women and it is not considered weird and even encouraged so you can look young and good.
My husband even carries lip balm and hand cream with him in his car to use. He never used anything on his face because he thought that since he already has good skin he wouldn’t need anything.
Anyways, when he came back we had a conversation and we even apologized at the same time! I apologized for my remark and for forcing him to do something he clearly didn’t like and he apologized because he was somewhat embarrassed at what his cousins said, he didn’t hate the routine and enjoyed it.
So to make up we put masks on each other and sent a selfie on the group chat which has all of his cousins because he said they had no business joking about him but surprisingly there were no jokes or remarks this time.
I guess the jokes on the get-together were because they couldn’t imagine my husband who normally has a serious personality to be the one taking care of his skin. The lesson I learned is that I shouldn’t be posting relationship issues on the net because, in my opinion, it’s difficult for people to judge without knowing the personalities of the people involved and having an in-depth knowledge of the issue.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I get that you’re hurt, but he has the right to not do a skincare routine, even if it’s only because he got teased for it.
You need to stop pushing and yeah, it sounds like he needs to deal with his masculinity stuff, but that doesn’t give you the right to try and force something he says he doesn’t want.
And by the way, ‘you’re just being too sensitive and you have a fragile ego’ is the least helpful thing you can say to someone who’s actually hurt and upset about being insulted. It’s not much different than what his cousins and brothers said.” bilinksi
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go off on a bit of a side tangent here for a second, it’s relevant… kinda. Sorry in advance.
Your husband is 5 years younger than me.
I’m the type of person that tans super easily and am at as low of a risk as possible for skin cancer. I’m currently sitting here with a 3-month-old gash on my side because I didn’t think I needed sunscreen when I was younger.
I’d say the doctor left about a 4-inch incision on my side and it still isn’t fully healed. This thing is going to leave a HUGE scar. It was cancerous and now I get to go get my skin checked out every couple of months for more cancer.
I say this ONLY because your husband should, at least, use sunscreen. When I was his age, I was the same way and I didn’t take care of my skin, I’d hate to see another person get a call from their doctor about cancer.
It wasn’t fun for me. A little sunscreen is a small price to pay for reducing the chances of getting that call again.
Tanget over: soft YTJ
Having the discussion and enjoying the bonding time is entirely fine.
I wouldn’t suggest forcing him into the majority of the routine if he doesn’t want to though. I think everything in your story was ‘no jerks here’ until you got to the part where you talked about his ego and such.
I don’t think he should HAVE to have a skincare routine, that’s up to him. I would absolutely suggest sunscreen for the obvious reasons stated above, but the rest of that sounds like something that should be entirely optional.
Maybe suggest a compromise. Once a month, just as a favor to your and to get some couple bonding time, he joins you in a face mask or something. If you want the bonding time and he doesn’t want to do it every day, I’m sure there is a compromise somewhere to be had.” Rude_Concentrate_194
Another User Comments:
“Very soft YTJ – he was kind enough to do this with you while not really wanting to. Find another way to bond with him like straddling him while doing the f****l, massaging him, doing a heated rag on his face, and making it an experience rather than a hassle.
His clap back to. those laughing at him would be epic when they find out that it’s more of a happy ending than a girly thing. Even if not completely naughty, it’s the build-up that makes it special.” IMtheG8estBee
5. AITJ For Discouraging My Friend From Pursuing His Dream?
“Liam (22m) has always been the type to love attention, and I (22m) don’t blame him. He grew up in very awful circumstances (heavy drinking father, overcrowded household, etc.) and never got a lot of attention from the people he looked up to.
He’s always told me that my family has felt like his second family and my father became one of his role models as we grew up together. We were like brothers for a long time.
So here’s the thing. I decided at the end of high school I was going to pursue medical school and came up with my plan. He then decided about a day later he was going to do the exact same thing.
Like the EXACT same thing. No big deal, it’d be fun to have my friend on this journey with me.
Fast forward 4 years I’m about to graduate college and apply to med school.
I’ve worked really hard to keep my grades up and do well on my entrance exams and maintain extracurricular experiences. My friend received an institutional action his freshman year and then took a leave of absence due to poor financial planning.
Yet he still tells everyone he’s going to med school and even gives unqualified medical advice at times. Again, I feel this is all for attention.
He recently reached out to me saying how uncertain his future was and how he wished he had been as ‘lucky’ as me.
This is where our argument started. My success wasn’t luck. I worked my butt off for 4 years while he was out partying and doing irresponsible things.
I told him this, as copied from my text: ‘Look, Liam.
You know I care about you but I think you should reevaluate what you’re doing right now. You say being a doctor is your dream but you haven’t done anything to prove that to admissions officers.
People don’t overcome institutional actions and sub-2.5 GPAs easily, these things can take years to correct. I think you should really evaluate your decision and either commit yourself fully to this goal, or you should try to find fulfillment elsewhere.’
And he blew up on me saying I’ve been a fake friend all these years and how I used him to get to the point I am today. I replied with some stuff I probably shouldn’t have.
I said his past shows he wouldn’t be a good doctor because he’s exploited a power dynamic to get with a girl younger than him in the past and that makes him untrustworthy as a medical provider.
He told me to get lost and never to talk to him again. Then slandered me on social media before blocking me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I feel very sorry for your friend that obviously is lost and would need a lot of guidance, support, and stability, in his life; but that doesn’t mean that you can be the one providing that.
Actually, it doesn’t even mean that he’s in a position where he would be able to receive it.
Prepare yourself that you will probably see his life crash and burn as things catch up with him at this crucial time in his life; and know that you are not responsible, nor able to, do anything about that.
But try to not lash out in anger yourself. He’s going through a hard time, and if he reaches the point in his life where he’s able to accept help it’d be nice if he still had some friends willing to be there for him.” tonysvanstrom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The medical profession is no place to be slacking off. It sounds like he needed to hear the fact that if he can’t take this seriously, find another profession to go into.
It takes on average 12 years to become a doctor, sometimes more if you go for a certain specialty. Truth hurts and most can’t handle it. Hopefully, he calms down and realizes you are only looking out for him.
I do have a question about the young girl’s situation though…” landorca3
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think him calling you lucky was anything to do with your time at med school, but rather your life running up to it.
If you had a nice upbringing then you are kinda lucky, it gave you the tools needed to go and work for four years. Your friend, not so much. Just being born into an awful family where you’re constantly overshadowed messes with individuals in a plethora of ways.
I’m not trying to take away any achievement from you going, putting the effort in, and chasing your dreams. But take a step back and be appreciative of all the opportunities you’ve had in order to do so.
Your friend also shouldn’t be resentful of your ‘luck’ and they should be happy for you. It sounds like he knows he has messed up and is shame ridden with regards to telling people he’s still pursuing the med school avenue, but as a friend (not a life coach) you needn’t send him a message explicitly telling him to change his goal (however on the spot and unrealistic it may be).
A gentle ‘Are you sure you really want to do this?’ would have been enough.
I wouldn’t say either of you are a jerk, but both have messed up in some way.” FiddleBishop
4. WIBTJ For Not Inviting A Friend's Long-Term Partner To My Wedding?
“My fiancé and I recently got engaged. We are starting the wedding guest list. He has a friend he has had for over 10 years and is a very nice guy who we both want at the wedding.
The problem is I cannot stand his partner.
His partner has yelled at me publicly in a bar and called me a flirt because her partner said I was dressed nice… She has cursed at me publicly in a bar because a bartender gave me a free shot.
She ignored me for 3 weeks because I got a new pet and didn’t send her photos as fast as she wanted, ignored me for 3 months because I was having lunch with a friend and she happened to go to the same lunch spot and was mad she wasn’t invited and yelled at me for wearing a crop top because she wouldn’t feel comfortable wearing one.
Just lots of stuff where she ignores me over petty stuff or verbally attacks me in public.
Why is she like this? No idea. Why is her partner with her?
No idea. The guy is amazing and a really good friend to my fiancé and a totally normal mature person.
My fiancé understands I don’t want her at the wedding so he is okay with not inviting his friend.
I want him to be able to have his friend though but I will not allow someone who treats me like that to attend our wedding. I have cut all contact with her a few months ago and my stress levels have been way down.
So, WIBTJ if we invite his friend without a plus one? Those 2 have been together for 3 maybe even 4 years now.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your wedding and it’s up to you and your partner who you do and don’t want there.
You just have to be ready to accept that the friend might not come if he is unable to bring his partner. But it also sounds like not inviting her, while it might tick her off, might be the best choice since she sounds like the sort of person that will look for any excuse to cause a scene and verbally mistreat you… which is probably not something you want happening during what is supposed to be a happy occasion.” SapphicSpaceAce
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I don’t care what Miss Manners says, not inviting someone who’s likely to cause a scene at your wedding is NOT a jerk move. It would be like saying you HAVE to invite Uncle George even though you know he’s going to get wasted before the ceremony, dance on top of the tables during the reception while screaming racist and homophobic slurs before he finally passes out and smashes into the wedding cake.
Sometimes it’s okay to say, ‘No.’
She screamed at you and called you a flirt because you dressed nicely one time. What is she going to do when you wear your wedding dress?” MythologicalRiddle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Usually when you invite someone, their significant other is invited. And oftentimes it is very much a rude thing to do to not allow them to bring their other half.
However, that is not the case when the person being excluded has been abusive. Which in this case is what happened. You have every reason not to invite her. Honestly, I would leave this with your fiancée and his friend.
Have them talk and let your SO explain the situation. That due to past bad behavior, neither one of you are comfortable inviting his partner to the wedding.
In large part because she has a habit of being cruel to you and that won’t be tolerated at your wedding.
Explain that you both would love him to attend, but only without her. Then ask if he would like to receive an invitation, or forego one as it will most likely cause a fight.
Base your decision to invite him on that conversation. but yeah, don’t invite someone known to cause drama to your wedding.” Last_Caterpillar8770
3. AITJ For Not Wanting Help From My Fiancé's Mom Regarding Wedding Planning?
“I have known my fiance, JP, for 8 years and have been together for over 2, just after his enlistment in the Navy. He proposed just before Christmas this year.
JP’s parents are divorced & live 5 hrs apart.
JP got leave for the holidays & the plan was to spend time with his dad this year as he hasn’t gotten to in a few years. This plan changed so we only had a few days with dad & many more with mom.
After getting back from time with dad is when JP proposed.
JP’s dad did know about the proposal as well as my parents. He knew because of the OG plan being with him & needing help finding a place to do it & my parents knew because JP asked for their support beforehand.
His mom did not know. I did not want any family there as I preferred it to be more intimate. JP delivered on this, & it was perfect.
The day after the proposal was the first Christmas gathering with his mom’s family.
We wanted to surprise her so we pulled her into a side room to tell her the happy news.
His mom gave a very fake, half smile & muttered a ‘congrats.’ I had held my hand out with my ring but she didn’t even look at it.
My fiancé made a joke about how she was speechless, to which his mom said, ‘well, I said congrats.’ My fiancé gave her a hug, & then she asked if we had a date set.
We do not & we told her as such, & that was the end of that conversation. There was now a very thick tension between us & it was very awkward for the rest of the night.
To say it hurt would be an understatement as I had always thought we got along great, that she loved me, & was telling the truth when she had talked about me being a part of the family.
I can’t even imagine how my fiancé felt & still feels about it, being that is his mom who reacted so poorly.
The next day at another mom’s side gathering, I was talking to a cousin about the proposal and how my parents knew.
My soon-to-be MIL overheard & cornered JP about it. He brushed it off saying they didn’t really know the details, just that it was going to happen & they were not there.
The day after Christmas, JP’s mom texted him at 2 am to meet him out in the car. I stayed up until he got back after 3 am. She had driven around and asked him about my parents’ knowing.
She then asked to be a part of the wedding planning & helping set up when the day comes.
I am fine with her helping set up. I know I won’t be able to do it.
My real issue lies with the planning.
She was not at all excited & it hurt both JP & me a lot. She also did not ask me & I am half of the wedding!
It is our wedding & not hers. As well, I have a much different taste, being more moody & elegant, vs her Christian decor, burlap, and mason jars. Nothing is wrong with that, it just is not me or JP.
I don’t want that forced on the wedding. I also am not Christian, & do not want her to try and convert me during this, which she has kinda brought up before.
I feel guilty as she is going to be my MIL, but I am really hurt & upset. AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
How well do you know your future mother-in-law?
Because you’re potentially signing up for different versions of this for the rest of your marriage.
If you make a big decision in the future, like where to buy a home, or to have children, etc, is she going to make JP drive her around for hours so she can complain about not being consulted?
Some mothers-in-law are great. Some are indifferent. Some of them are crazy. Sometimes they think their only value is in being a mother and are terrified of letting their sons grow into men, because they can’t handle the change.
They project their fears onto their daughter in law’s and try to control everything so they can feel important.
It’s easy to say you’re not a jerk. But the hard thing to think about is whether this is an isolated incident or a pattern of behavior that you will have to deal with for years.
Take it from someone who married into a really dysfunctional family, it’s better to go into it knowing what you’re dealing with, and most importantly having your future spouse on your side and ready to support you.” The_Little_Hammer
Another User Comments:
“I’m leaning towards ‘[everyone sucks here’.
It’s possible that her reaction has nothing to do with how she feels about you. Your parents knew and his dad knew, it sounds like he hadn’t even mentioned to her that he was planning to propose, and she may have hoped that her son would talk to her about such a big decision.
Perhaps you or your fiancée can raise this with her – that the way she reacted to your announcement was hurtful to you both, and see where it goes from there.
There are many ways she can help with planning, it doesn’t have to be related to aesthetics. Look at the very long list of jobs that need to be done and pick some that you are comfortable having her help with.
Alternatively, your other option is to have no family help with planning (this is why I hired a wedding planner) that way you don’t need to listen to anyone’s opinion and can make all your own choices.” Naive_Pay_7066
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… provided you pay for your own wedding.
You and your fiance need to have a serious honest talk about how to proceed. Be on the same page and he may need to be firm.
There are ways to include her however depending on what you choose to include in your wedding.
Let her choose the song for a mother/son dance
Ask her opinion on details like which shade of green matches the table runners better or something.
Make sure you have two or three options for her to pick from and don’t care which she chooses.
‘Conspire’ with her to keep your fiance busy while you work on a surprise for him.
Let him in on it of course but it will keep her busy.
Put her in charge of picking a small sentimental item for the fiance to hide on his person during the ceremony.
(We are using this one for ours. I will have the women in my family each put a stitch on the inside of my dress. No idea what if anything is planned for the husband’s situation.
He is indifferent to it so it’s fine.)
Do a mom’s brunch for big reveals. Dress shop with bridesmaids and then have your mom and hers over to do a sneak peek of the dress.
Clue your mom in if she needs to not mention things though.” StarshineSoul
2. AITJ For Being Mad At My Partner For Eating My Birthday Cake?
“We spent the holidays in NY with my family and my birthday was on the 30th so I asked my mom to pick up a cake from a special bakery here in NY.
That was all I really asked for. Didn’t have any special dinner plans, no gifts, and I was just happy spending time with my family. So my birthday comes around, we get dinner, we eat my cake, and we celebrate.
The cake was pretty big so we had leftovers. My partner and I were the only ones really eating the leftover cake because my family has gotten cakes from there before so it wasn’t anything ‘special’ to them, but they knew they could grab some if they wanted.
A few hours ago, my partner asked if he could have some of the cake, and I said sure. When I walk into the kitchen maybe 30min after he asked, I saw that he finished the rest of the cake.
It wasn’t like there was a tiny slice left, there was a good chunk of it. I thought he was playing a prank at first and was hiding it from me, but he kept apologizing and saying he didn’t realize how much he was eating and he wasn’t sure if I said he could have SOME or if he could have ALL of it.
I asked why he didn’t ask, and he said he didn’t think it would be a big deal. I told him that I thought it was really disrespectful and I was really hurt.
He just kept saying that he didn’t think it was a big deal because I already ate some cake and we had the whole celebration and it was just the last slice (it was more than a slice).
He said he understands why I feel the way I do, but he doesn’t understand why I feel that way. I told him the cake was sentimental to me and he should have just asked. We got into an argument about it because I kept trying to explain it to him, but he just wasn’t listening to/understanding.
He said he would just not eat any of my stuff anymore, and I told him he was just avoiding confrontation that way and it’s not going to help the relationship in the long run.
For context; I had a rough childhood and ended up getting kicked out of the house as soon as I turned 18 and was homeless until I was like 25. That being said, I haven’t been able to spend any holidays, birthdays, or special events with my mom, brother, and sister all together since I was a kid.
I didn’t get to watch my younger brother and sister grow up so this was kind of a big deal to me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner is the jerk in particular because he said he just won’t eat any of your food anymore.
This is a tactic of manipulation, and you might want to talk to him about communication and boundaries. He can apologize for eating the cake, and admit he should have refrained from eating the cake, or he can say he doesn’t think your desire to eat the last slice (or a bit of it) was important.
He can’t just get huffy and say he’ll never share food with you again, because that is weird and will hamper your relationship.
Honestly, I hate the usual tendency to say ‘dump him!’ but this is a really huge red flag to me because I’ve been with people who started out with a minor thing like this, and eventually it was ‘fine, I won’t ever tell you anything, because this is how you react.’ Usually ‘this’ was me calmly voicing a valid concern.
It’s not insurmountable, but you may save yourself a lot of time basically parenting your partner if you cut out now.” FamousOrphan
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, if the cake was important to you then you should have made that clear to him in the beginning and when he asked if he could have some then you should have specified that he save a slice for you.
I don’t know, I feel like this could have been easily avoided and you turned it into a bigger problem than it actually is.” Rov422
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And take him at his word.
Tell him that you appreciate that he won’t eat any of your food in the future, since it seems that this is an area where you do not communicate well.
Then observe his reaction (and actions in the future) carefully. Does he whine, bring it up, or exaggerate being careful about not eating your food? Does he break his promise?
Then you know he’s not worth it. If he starts to respect your boundaries, and doesn’t make a big deal out of it, he’s a keeper.” KeyFly3
Another User Comments:
“Basic rule of good relationships: you NEVER eat the last piece of someone else’s special food! Your partner was incredibly inconsiderate.
That said, he did keep apologizing and maybe didn’t realize he was finishing it until too late.
At this point, what more do you want him to do as you keep trying to explain to him how badly he messed up?
It’s not that he didn’t understand at this point, it’s that there was nothing he could do to fix his mistake.
I would have run from this conversation too. Arrange for another special cake already and stop traumatizing the poor careless guy. Everyone sucks here.” ParsimoniousSalad
1. AITJ For Asking My Family To Accept My Fiancée?
“I’m engaged but my family doesn’t accept my fiancée at all in any way.
She is persona non grata ( a status applied by a host country to foreign diplomats). They are against our whole relationship.
I was married before. So was my fiancée.
We were both married when our relationship started (see my disclaimer above). For my part, I did love my wife, but we had married young, we didn’t live together beforehand and we were struggling with infertility which did a number.
Since we are Catholic we didn’t see most fertility treatments as an option. I should have acted better I know. My fiancée and her ex-husband and their families also went to our church, same as me and my wife and both of ours.
When my fiancée found out she was pregnant we made the decision to get divorced because we wanted to raise our child together. Neither my wife nor her husband wanted a divorce.
Between them not wanting it and the law here that divorce can’t happen while a woman is pregnant (even if she wants it, the judge’s hands are tied) it took a long time for both divorces to happen.
My fiancée is pregnant with our second child, due this week. When the waiting period to get married again after a divorce is up next month we will get married immediately.
We have been ready for a long time. We can’t have a Catholic wedding because neither of us was able to secure annulments which you need in the church if you want to get married again.
Due to the crisis and our wanting it done right away we are going to do a civil one at City Hall with no fuss. Both her family and mine have said they wouldn’t attend even if we were having guests.
Our families will see us on our own and our son but otherwise won’t accept us being in a relationship. Both families are mad at us over the scandal it was in church.
My family supports my ex-wife vs. my fiancée.
I told my family they need to accept my fiancée because we are getting married, she’s the mother of my kids and she isn’t going anywhere.
My parents said I was being petulant, my siblings agree and so does my extended family. They say they don’t have to alter our actions. My fiancée had a similar conversation with her family but it went the same.
My own brother said I’m the jerk and had the nerve to make demands after how I acted. It’s been hard, the lengthy divorce time, the denied annulments, that our son couldn’t be baptized because we were married to other people and there were doubts he’d be raised Catholic due to our situation.
Which will also apply to our new baby. Being called entitled on top of it was difficult. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Fertility treatments are religiously banned but an affair is ok?!?
Good Lord. You basically spit all over your family and her family’s belief systems and they have decided where not to accept or forgive what you did. You can tell them to accept the new girl or not see you and the kids and both sides will probably choose that.
They gave you the compromise they were willing to do – see their child and the grandchild(ren) w/o the new temporary spouse. Take it or leave it. They probably rightfully assume this new relationship won’t survive the bumps life makes and the next shiny new toy that comes along and doesn’t want to get involved in your ‘lifestyle’.
ETA – Don’t come back complaining about no inheritances in a few years after you’ve cut them off.” Xellos1542
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I like how you said ‘don’t say I’m the jerk for having an affair’ but you do realize that’s the entire reason THEY think you’re the jerk, right?
And rightfully so. Your poor ex-wife. She was having infertility issues and your answer was to find another woman and get her pregnant? I’d be mad if a member of my family did that, and I would totally be on the ex’s side and probably not like the other woman much either, especially knowing she also lied. You’re a jerk.
And you say ‘I know I’m the jerk for having an affair’ but then don’t want your family to treat you and your fiancé like you’re jerks for lying?
YTJ.” bella070403
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You cannot separate your affair from the question at hand. Your disclaimer means nothing because the two topics are inherently intertwined. You couldn’t try fertility treatments with your wife because of your religion, but that same religion didn’t stop you from betraying her.
Additionally, you had an affair with someone in the church. It’s implied from their post that your wife is as religious as the rest of your family appears to be.
You made her place of worship (once a place of comfort) into a place of pain. Your ex-wife will also not be able to have a catholic wedding if she finds someone who truly loves and cares about her.
You’ve screwed her over royally and your family has every right to be taking her side.
If you don’t like how they are treating your fiancee, then consider how you and your fiancee treated your wife, someone that your family was presumably close to.
You cannot ask them to respect someone who destroyed the life of a loved one. If you cannot tolerate the disrespect you’re facing, then cut contact, but know that your family is not at fault.
If you want to keep in touch then you need to be able to accept that you screwed up in a big way and that they have the right to hold that against you (and your fiancee) for as long as they feel is necessary.” blurryworry
Make him (only him) responsible for HIS Children. Entitled interesting can't even accept his daughter is sick and still expects OP to cater to his curious