People Talk About Their Debatable "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
14. AITJ For Not Cleaning The Litter Box?
“My husband is a cat person.
I am not. Think of it as the type of childfree people who like kids but don’t want any – I like cats, but I don’t want to own cats. I have lived with them before and it’s not for me. So, of course, I fell in love with and married a cat guy. I made it clear from day one that I would not stop him from owning a cat, but I will not handle the litterbox.
I have a dog, and I am 100% responsible for taking her out, feeding her, walking her, picking up the yard poop, etc. It seemed fair to me that I don’t do the litterbox. I am generally disgusted with a litterbox in the house at all, but at the very least I do not want to be the one who deals with cleaning it.
So, predictably, my husband does NOT keep up with the litterbox appropriately.
The cat urinates on my things, pulls laundry out of the basket to pee on or cover the poop with, even. He is an incredibly finicky cat and the box needs to be kept up with very very well. I have raised this issue multiple times, at varying levels of calmness and anger, and my husband either says he’ll get to it or gets angry and says I should be helping with it because I like the cat.
Yes, I like the cat, but this was not supposed to be my responsibility. I am a very clean person and it’s to the point that I’ve actually considered just leaving because I can’t handle much more of the grossness of a) a dirty box and b) my things ending up with cat pee and poop on them for the next 15-20 years.
But part of me feels guilty, because the cat didn’t ask for this, and it’s not his fault that my husband is so irresponsible; he deserves a clean toilet, so to speak.
I just know that if I start doing this, it will never end. He did not have a cat of his own when I met him, just grew up with them, so I didn’t have an example of his poor animal husbandry.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m very allergic to cats. This being said my fiancé loves cats and I’ve always said as long as you can take care of your cat and I don’t have breathing issues because the cat box isn’t properly up-kept and the cats can’t come onto the bed, I’m fine with owning one and using the allergy sprays.
My fiancé and I are young and didn’t have the fiancé today move into a place on our own. So we had his cousin sign a lease with us and sat down to lay out the ground rules about her cat if we were serious about moving in together. Everyone was on the same page.
Well, six months pass, and her cats are still living with her parents because she hasn’t bothered to move them into our place and I’m not worried about them moving in immediately.
The two cats she had finally moved in and the litter box is put underneath our stairs a wall away from the kitchen. My fiancé and I put forth the amount for two different thirty-dollar cat sprays and asked if she would be willing to use them knowing I’m very allergic and have serious lung issues besides just my regular asthma. She said, ‘of course no worries’.
We didn’t have her pitch in for them and just bought them, since it’s my lung issues and not hers. A month passes by and cat hair/dander is visibly bad on all of the furniture, including the carpets which run throughout the entire house. Soon we start walking in after being out for the day and because our house is set up kind of funky we have a back sliding glass door we use more often than the front that is attached to the kitchen, every time we walk through the doors the kitchen smells like cat pee and poo.
She’s not vacuuming up after them and the litter box is literally overflowing to the point the cats refuse to use them. She would be gone for a week at a time, spending nights with her man and not bothering to come home and clean up after her animals. We sit down and have yet another discussion about how it’s severely affecting my health/lung condition.
She starts to say ‘oh well I didn’t realize you were that affected by it and I don’t have the time to clean up after them’. She then decides she’s not renewing our lease because she can’t live without her cats even though she is never home with them anyway.
Safe to say that OP’s story hits close to home and my fiancé and I was beyond agitated with his cousin.” Gianahraiin
Another User Comments:
“This whole ‘your responsibility, my responsibility’ is NONSENSE. Your animals have the intelligence of three-year-old humans, and they CANNOT take care of themselves!!! You are BOTH adults! But the BOTH OF YOU are not acting like it, you both are acting like children! Instead of focusing on whose FULL responsibility is for either pet, you both need to work as a TEAM and have a very strict, regular schedule, even if it needs to be written out, on what time the litter box gets scooped by whom, who takes the dog out when, when their feed and cleaned up after and walked again.
It’s Me Or the Dog on YouTube has a video where a family struggled very much like this, and this is what their solution was, and it works.
Are you guys in a relationship? Are you guys a team? Why are you guys working against each other, fighting, bickering, etc., instead of working together as a team? A partnership? Isn’t that what you guys are???
It’s SO easy to ignore, to neglect, to be apathetic. I’d say it’s one of Human’s greatest sins of all time, that perpetuates in every person to some degree. It simply starts with the motion of getting up off the couch.
You both need to work together and stop bickering. You’re both the jerks. ‘Adults’ smh!!!
If someone can’t take care of their animal, like your husband, they should be charged with animal neglect and their animals are taken away.
How does that make you feel? How would that make him feel? It’s SO BAD, that the cat is using anywhere else to potty. This is BAD neglect and abuse. Honestly, your husband should be marked by the nations as to not own any animals until proven to be able to provide adequate care, treatment, and housing.
Honestly, next thing he’s going to be a hoarder with dead cats in his laundry and urine and feces everywhere your foot lands.
Does that sound appetizing to you? He needs therapy, you need therapy, and you both need couples therapy. There are more underlying symptoms, causations, etc., regarding this level of abuse, apathy, and neglect.” greeneyedstarqueen
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You’re married. You’re both the cat’s owner. You need to be responsible and take care of the cat. If the cat is urinating outside the box because the box is dirty, you shouldn’t own pets.
I understand your point, that you’re not a cat person, but that doesn’t absolve you of responsibility for caring for the cat (the same goes for your husband and the dog)
You compare it to people who don’t want kids, but if this were a stepkid (which came along as part of the marriage) dumping and peeing on the floor, neither of you would be saying ‘not my problem’.
The same goes for pets.
You need to have an honest conversation with the husband. If you can’t accept his cat as part of the household, then the cat has to go to a responsible pet owner. If you accept the cat because it means a lot to your husband (whom you presumably love), you need to accept responsibility for ensuring the cat is well cared for.
That doesn’t mean you do 100% of the cat maintenance but if your husband can’t respect your desire to be uninvolved with the cat, then you still need to take care of the animal or convince him to re-home it.
The cat engaging in destructive behavior as a result of a dirty box is a sign of abuse. You are not being a responsible partner and or pet owner (same for your husband).
Scooping a cat box takes less than 3 minutes three times a day. A full clean takes maybe 15 minutes per box once a week
This whole situation is sad for the welfare of the cat.” G**************ns
13. AITJ For Storing My Late Wife's Possessions Without Warning My Kids?
“I lost my wife to cancer 18 months ago. My kids are in their 20s. She was a brilliant mother and was much closer to the kids than I was. I know this has left a big hole in their lives.
6 months ago I was informed my rental was being sold and I would have to move. It was discussed with the kids (none of whom live with me) and they knew I would be downsizing from the 4 BR home they spent half their childhood in.
No child brought this up again and the children knew when I was moving. Before the move, I finally started packing my wife’s things. Maybe this sounds insensitive, but I didn’t want to take everything of hers to my new place so I put a majority of it in storage for the kids to sort through when they were ready. I am willing to pay for this storage as long as the kids need it, but it appears I’ve made a big mistake.
During the move (which I did over a few days) my middle child arrived and had a meltdown at her mother’s stuff being gone. I tried to explain I had kept it all safely stored for the kids but that didn’t help at all. It was a terribly emotional scene.
My oldest has always been the peacemaker and says he sees both sides, but has not been successful in getting the middle child to speak to me.
My youngest says he is upset, but also understands why I did it. My middle child is now talking to none of us.
I understand the last 18 months have been devastating for all the kids and I have noticed the middle child seems more ‘stuck’ than the others in dealing with this.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I get your kids’ feelings; they lost their mom which is devastating, but you lost your wife, your partner, the person you planned to grow old with, and it is unreasonable for anyone to expect you to grieve how they want you to instead of how you need to.
Also, you’re being made to move; that isn’t a choice, someone else is making you, and your kids knew that. It would be totally pointless to move your wife’s clothes and such to a house she has never lived in and will never live in. You didn’t get rid of her things, only put them somewhere safe until your children are ready to go through them; your youngest may not realize it, but that’s quite a gift – the gift of time to be ready.” vodka_philosophy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Hey man. You waited for a lot longer than my dad did.
My mum died in March last year from breast cancer, he had most of her items away… somewhere… within 2-3 months. Started bringing his new girl around about 6 weeks later to family events. And has never once visited his grandson.
18 months is an extremely long time. Even though now a year later both myself (28) and my sister (20) still feel the loss of our mum… we would understand.
You have to do what you have to do both for well having to downsize and for making a liveable space of your own.
The big thing about the kids is… they aren’t really there every day around her items. Where everything could remind you. They (speaking from my own feelings) expect to come home to visit or such and things feel like home. Since they’re not living in it every day the feeling of her not being there at home… hasn’t fully set in.
I was at my dad’s a week ago to do some housework while he was at work (since we… never physically see each other but I digress). A very large part of me kept fully expecting to go upstairs and see my mum sitting there watching judge Judy or a soap opera. I attest that I’m just not the one in the house every day to process it.
That was the first time I had been in that house again for 10 months.
It’s tough, they’ll process through it as time goes on. Just don’t alienate any of them.” SteveDaPirate91
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You were in a difficult position and as unbearable as it is to believe you still need to live your life.
My grandpa remarried about 18 months after my grandmother died of cancer.
He’d spent months sitting in a folding chair alone by her grave every day and finally hit a point where he decided he had to move on. He reconnected with a friend from high school whose husband had also died and they got married quickly. As an emotional 18 year old I was hurt and angry about that — especially the first time we went to their house and all of Grandma’s stuff was packed away so his new wife could redecorate.
I know I said some fairly horrible things that I regret now but I was young and grieving but now I realize that he was in pain and just needed some return to normalcy.
I’m curious why none of your kids offered to help you pack. Not just your wife’s things but also the rest of their childhood home. They obviously knew you were moving and presumably knew the timeline and could have been there sooner than as you were moving boxes out.
If they had been there to help pack, reminisce, and maybe take a few things for themselves that might have helped ease the shock of just seeing it all gone.” User
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. People cope in different ways.
I understand why you wouldn’t want your wife’s possessions around, they serve as a painful reminder that she is gone and most of that possession will sit there unused. I was in your daughter’s shoes just over 2 years ago when my dad passed and I was a similar age.
Immediately after my dad passed, my mum took down a lot of his photos from the house, donated all his newer clothes, and whatever couldn’t be salvaged, she burnt. We’re Asian so it is customary to burn the dead’s possessions. I won’t lie, it hurt so much when she did that. To me, it felt like she was trying to get rid of him from her life, that he was never present in the household at all.
But looking back, I understand the pain she felt if his things were around, and the reminder they would serve.
I also think because you’re living alone in your home and are the only one having to be constantly reminded of your wife, you aren’t in the wrong to put her possessions away to ease the grief as you move on with your life.
Your daughter I assume must be feeling how I felt. If you can, and she is willing to, a heart-to-heart talk to her explaining your side of things hopefully will bring to light your actions and why you did them, and hopefully, your daughter will come to understand as I did.
I am so very sorry for your family’s loss and I wish you all the best for the future.” Whimsical-Dreamer
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I suspect that she needs something to lash out at. Losing your mother, who you were close with, to cancer at such a young age is UNFAIR. There is the reckoning with this being, not a temporary setback, but this is a FOREVER condition. It’s not going to stop. She will never be there again, for the stretch of a long long rest of your life.
I say this as the middle child who lost her mother to cancer around when I was around age 30. I was extremely close to her and to say it was devastating doesn’t begin to describe this. I was the one that was the most stuck for the longest.
My point is, what are you going to do, get angry at cancer? Yell at it, scream at it, kick it, throw it across the room?
The ‘disappearance’ of her mom’s things (I recognize they haven’t actually disappeared) probably represents something actually tangible for her to lash out at, with the lack of anything else with which to do so. I emphasize that you have done absolutely nothing wrong here, OP. Just explaining. Grief does really, really weird things to you and it’s not always logical.
I think you have the right outlook in just being understanding, being patient, and trying to learn something from this.
I think you’re right not to push this with her, but keep open the line of communication with the others and under no circumstances express any anger or blame.” ImPiqued1111111
12. AITJ For Not Fulfilling Our Promise To Our Gay Daughter?
“When my parents got married, they had ornate cake decorum they had custom made depicting my mother and father. Do you know the whole bride and groom statuettes? It’s the spitting image of my parents.
They passed it onto me for my wedding and while the tradition hasn’t been going on long, it’s been used for first daughters and that’s how we want to memorialize things.
I have two daughters, 27F and 25F. The eldest is getting married to a lovely woman in October and from a very young age, my daughter has known that cake decoration is hers to use for her wedding.
The problem is they take issue with it depicting a man and a woman and want to alter it, albeit temporarily, to depict two women. They want to get custom ‘doll clothes’ made to dress the man, my father, in a dress and hat.
I decided they would not be able to use the decoration and instead it will go to our younger daughter. I don’t care if my eldest used it verbatim but they want to alter it and I feel that defeats the spirit of the item itself and in a way is disrespectful.
Trying to compromise (i.e., use it the way I intend or don’t use it at all) has gone nowhere.
She’s starting to raise a tiny bit of chaos about it and I want to confer to this sub as to whether I’m the jerk or not here.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – the alteration is only temporary. she could easily get a cake topper depicting 2 women made but she wants to use this because it’s SPECIAL to her and holds sentimental value.
Your daughter is not straight. She is not marrying a man. She wants to make the topper specific to her relationship for ONE day. By not allowing her this you’re being petty and also making it clear that the conditions for the topper are ‘you must be in a straight relationship to use it’ – and you can’t justify this by saying ‘oh she could use it if she doesn’t change it’ because why would she want to do that when it doesn’t fit her needs or represent the love her and her future wife have?
The alteration is very tiny and, as stated by you, temporary. There is no real or good reason not to allow her to do this – consider how she feels may be and have a good long think about why little things like this truly bother you/how they impact your child.” outsj
Another User Comments:
“Isn’t a wedding cake topper supposed to represent the couple getting married, not some other family members?
As a whole, I can’t imagine marrying a woman and having a cake topper representing a man and a woman – that would make me beyond uncomfortable, which your daughter doesn’t deserve on her wedding day. She came up with a sensible option to use an heirloom that matters to her, while making it relevant to her own life, without any permanent alteration. YTJ for rescinding a promise because you value preserving the perceived masculinity of an object over your daughter’s comfort.” emtem95
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your daughter wants to take part in the tradition using the cake toppers that were promised to her. It doesn’t sound like she is wanting to alter them in any permanent fashion, so what is the harm? Your ‘compromise’ is not reflective of the fact that your daughter is a lesbian and marrying a woman. Some traditions will need to be modified to include the reality of who she is and what her life is like.
That’s not disrespectful to the tradition or the past. You’re being quite stubborn for no good reason and putting your relationship with your daughter and her wife at risk.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If the whole point of the statuettes is to honor your parents, your daughter’s grandparents, I don’t see how putting your grandfather’s statuette in a dress does that. All the people calling you the jerk doesn’t seem to be taking into account that these statuettes represent real people.
I mean, I don’t think anyone would be calling you a jerk if you said you objected to your daughter wanting to tape a cutout of a dress over your father in his old wedding photos to make them more LGBTQ-friendly. If it is that important to your daughter that her wedding cake has two female statuettes on it, she should go get two female statuettes.” J0sey_W4les_23
Another User Comments:
“As a guy who partakes in stoking other people’s salami, NTJ. The item holds great sentimental value and while only temporary, your daughter wants to deface it. The way I’m reading this is you don’t want any alterations made to the ornament and this being a gay relationship is irrelevant. I’m a sentimental person and one of my most treasured possessions is a broken teaspoon while I couldn’t give a d**n about items worth thousands outside of their cost to replace.
People in this thread are trying to make this about homophobia when it’s not. The item is yours and your daughter isn’t entitled to it, she needs to understand the situation and get over herself. You may have once said she can use it but that doesn’t mean she can use it in a way you’re not comfortable with.” User
11. AITJ For Not Going To My Little Cousin's Birthday Party?
“I am someone who is always second-guessing whether I am misreading a situation probably due to my own trauma as a kid but anyways, I am being told off by my cousin (F27) because I finally had the nerve to tell her I did not want to go to her little brother’s (Tom 7years old) birthday party because it was ON the same day as my DAUGHTER’S FIRST birthday who is sick with a cough and double ear infection.
I live an hour and a half away and I have always done my best to seek validation and break my back to attend all of these parties that involved her and she never returned the favor, didn’t even bother to show up for the quick birthday party that I had to do for my daughter because her dad was leaving before her actual birthday.
Our grandmother has legal custody of my little cousin, Tom, and she’s currently in rehab for cancer rehabilitation. She asked me to throw him a party. I said ok even if it meant having to combine Tom’s and my daughters’ birthday but soon found out his older sister, Karen told me that she was told to throw it months in advance. I didn’t argue, didn’t fight I said ok take it over and then I got to thinking, if she wouldn’t share a birthday party day with her own kids why should I as well?
I decided not to waste my emotional energy on an event that will only screw up my kids’ routine and my emotional state… and finally told her I wasn’t going to go and that I hope that she and everyone else had fun. This was in a group chat text that she invited everyone to and I knew if she found out I was going, she was going to guilt-trip me so I quickly left the group chat only to be bombarded with ‘Why are you acting like such an immature child’ in a cell phone text message and then a few more from messenger ‘Why are you acting this way you are being so rude!’ (My cousin Karen has said outwardly and multiple times to her brother Tom how much she hated him btw) ‘You are being so rude, I don’t know why you are acting this way’ and then continued on with degrading comments She concluded that the way I said everything was rude and I told her it wasn’t and that I didnt feel like argueing with her over something like this and then told me ‘your big words do not make you any better’.
AITJ for not going to my little cousin’s birthday because it’s my daughter’s first birthday? Cousin Karen is guilt-tripping me like I am the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, I guess? Except maybe Tom who just wanted cake and presents.
It’s your daughter’s first birthday. She doesn’t feel well. It’s a long trip. Any of those are valid and complete reasons to skip a 7yos birthday party.
You didn’t need to drag in all of the rest of the family baggage. Just say you can’t make it and send a small gift and all your love and make plans to catch up soon.
But bombarding you with texts and guilt is really obnoxious and unfair, too. This just all went really toxic really quickly.” personofpaper
10. WIBTJ If I Confronted My Parents About Sugar Cookies?
“Throughout my (20M) life, my great aunt S has always made these spectacular sugar cookies. I don’t like sugar cookies in general, but I really like these particular cookies, and they’re famous in my family. When I was like 13-14, Aunt S taught me how to make the cookies for future purposes, and she wrote down the recipe for me to have.
S even had a mixer that was given to my family for Christmas with the intent of making the cookies. I know I should have asked for the recipe back then, but I always thought I’d have more time. I have long since lost the recipe, have never baked the cookies on my own, and I don’t even like cooking/baking. I am going to say it outright: I do NOT know how to make these cookies.
Additionally, my mother already knows this.
This past week, Aunt S died. I’m pretty upset about it, but such is life. However, my parents have apparently been telling people that I know how to make the cookies and can do it for future family gatherings. At S’s showing today, my other aunt brought the cookies up. I didn’t say much then because I wasn’t sure what to say about it.
Later, my dad mentioned that he had told people I could make the cookies, too, and I told him that I had already told my mom I’d lost the recipe. He said I could just get a recipe online and fiddle with it until I get it right, which miffed me because then it wouldn’t be her recipe.
It’s annoying me that my parents are raising the hopes of people about these cookies when I know I won’t be able to deliver.
Additionally, I have NEVER agreed to make these cookies in the first place, but thanks to my parents, there’s now a sense of obligation.
I want to tell my parents to cut it out because not only are they setting the entire family up for disappointment, but they’re also making me feel guilty over this. WIBTJ if I actually confronted them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
‘I’m really sorry, but I lost the recipe at some point and I don’t remember enough to be able to replicate it. They were my favorite, too. I’ll really miss Aunt S.’
That should be simple enough for any relatives to understand if you’re approached and hopefully will get the point across to your parents. I’d do it soon so that it doesn’t continue to grow into a whole thing, but I can’t imagine anyone will be upset with you.
Maybe at the next gathering, you could suggest a few people bring something they love to bake in honor of your aunt and work to set new traditions? I’m sorry about your Aunt.” personofpaper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Trust me, as someone who likes to bake, trying to replicate a recipe by ‘fiddling with it’ is a ridiculous request. My grandmother would swear until the day she passed away that she only made the Nestle Tollhouse cookie recipe.
That woman couldn’t follow a recipe if her life depended on it. She always changed something. It’s been years and I still haven’t replicated those cookies. It’s not a simple project to undertake.” Zileto
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents are putting you in a rough spot and I don’t blame you for feeling guilty. I’d be utterly miserable in your place and I’m so sorry.
But, as a baker, I can offer you some hope. You were taught the recipe once. You’ve seen it and made it (yes?) at least once. That’s a solid start.
If you want, you can look up sugar cookie recipes and try them. As you make them memories are likely to surface. ‘Didn’t she use -blank-?’ ‘I thought you needed to -blank-.’
Will you have it exact?
No. But that’s okay. My mother told me of a ‘milk pie’ her grandmother used to make and she sorta kinda remembered. After a lot of googling, I have an “Amish sugar cream” pie recipe, reclaiming (sort of) my great-grandmother’s pie. (She was Pennsylvania Dutch which is connected to Amish and shares a lot of food traditions with them.)
You can salvage the recipe and, to be frank, sugar cookies aren’t rocket science so probably no one will notice the changes you make.” KeirKieran
9. AITJ For Taking Time Off Work?
“I’m 16F and work in retail pharmacy as a casual. I’ve worked there for over a year and I rarely call in sick, always show up on time, pick up extra work if needed, and regularly communicate with my manager to work around school and other commitments.
I’ve also never taken time off during a school holiday, for the past 2 years I’ve worked in general. Last October/November I discussed with my boss about me having 2-3 weeks off out of the 7 weeks I have for the end of year holidays, and we agreed on a time span in late January (We purposely planned it for then, to be able to work during the Christmas busy period).
My manager and I had planned for it months before January and she would occasionally check in to make sure she had the correct dates. I felt it was reasonable for me to ask for some time off, partly due to me needing to travel to another city to deal with some family business, me to spend time with family in general, and for me to also have a break from work and school after a long year.
In the months leading up to me asking for time off, my manager increased my hours without her discussing it with me, right in the middle of my end of year exams and the commencement period of next year which she knew was happening at the time, and I was doing almost double the amount of work I usually did (she had promised that it was a one-time thing, but it wasn’t).
Basically, I was exhausted between studying, homework, extracurriculars, and work. At one point just before I had my time off, my manager was giving me frequent 9-10hr shifts a week (during the holidays), at one time equalling 55 hours in just over a week. I thought a break was well deserved.
Several things have happened since that which makes me think that it was sorta selfish of me.
My parents said to me several times how I should’ve ‘thought about the pay’ before I made the decision, passive-aggressive and snide remarks from coworkers who had to work a bit extra (it turned out, in my department, that another girl needed unexpected time off as well), and me now getting fewer hours that I’m worried is because of that.
I can’t help but feel like maybe management is mad at me for taking time off.
I don’t really think it was wrong of me to want that, I’ve been with them for a while and done my share, and I okayed it multiple times and even worked around their needs, and the amount of work and lack of free time was honestly starting to be detrimental. I’ve been trying to tell myself that maybe they’re being courteous since I’m back at school, maybe they’re trying not to overwork me like they did last year which is easier for them now since they have more staff.
They’ve even been talking about getting me trained and certified for months now (she even mentioned it last week after I got back) so I can work in different parts of the store. But there’s still a part of me that is feeling guilty and wondering if I should’ve just sucked being tired up if their actions are because of me taking a break.
This has been on my mind too long.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Giant NTJ. You’re 16. Your priority list in life right now isn’t topped out by your career. Maybe it will be later in life, but not right now. And it’s absolutely not your fault that they are apparently doing a poor job at managing their staffing levels and resources.
You don’t need to be constantly threatening to quit, or waking out in an immature blaze of middle finger glory or anything.
I’m not getting that vibe from you, but all the same. But also don’t sacrifice your education, extracurriculars, reasonable vacation/breaks, or important 16-year-old life events for this job, either. There are other jobs. You start to feel like this is just not worth the sacrifice, then find a different one and put it in your notice.
Basically, don’t look back in 20 years and regret that you missed out on normal 16-year-old life stuff, for no good reason other than you were too afraid to tick off your overbearing boss at a job you could likely replace.
16 is just NOT the age to be a slave to your job (not sure any age is, but definitely not 16). Put some “irons in the fire” and see if you can find something that isn’t expecting quite this much of you. And in the interim, enjoy your time off and let scheduling headaches be your boss’s problem, as they should be.” PARA9535307
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Absolutely not. I’ve been in charge of a staff of mostly high school and college students and it sounds like you’re an awesome person to have on staff. Time off during school holidays is completely reasonable. I can’t imagine it’s at all linked to your time off and if it is then they suck. Focus on school and don’t work yourself too hard.” personofpaper
8. AITJ For Refusing To Leave My Register Open After Closing Time?
“I’m a full-time university student. Although I don’t pay nearly twice as much as you might in the UK or US (tuition is about 1.000€ a year), I decided to take a job at a local supermarket.
This is mostly so that I can pay for some trips I like to take around Europe, some clothes, part of my driver’s license, etc. I like having my own funds and not having to depend on my parents. The point is, I don’t need this to survive.
I’ve been working there for 3 years now. IDK how supermarkets work around the world, but we have butchers and fishmongers working in the store, preparing meat or fish for the clients.
For 2 years, everything was going fine. However, we recently got a new team of fishmongers, and they are absolute buffoons.
The store closes at 21:00 PM. I always work until closing time. Now, these fishmongers have taken up the habit of waiting until 20:58, let’s say, to rush to my register, dump a few items there, then go back into the store to get some more stuff they want to buy.
Usually, I really don’t mind keeping my register open for a colleague – I get along well with everyone, they try to be as quick as possible, and it’s often one or two things they forgot and desperately need, so it takes little of my time.
The fishmongers, however, are another story. They usually show up to my register with 3+ bags full of stuff, and then they are super picky with the payment.
It goes along the lines of ‘let me use these coupons’, ‘no that item is not at the right price, remove it’, etc. One time, I finished ringing them up at 21:35, and I still had some stuff to do like closing the register, cleaning up, etc. I was the last one left in the store and still had to get changed since I bike home.
I let their behavior slide a lot of times because I hate causing drama and like to think of myself as a nice person.
Yesterday I decided enough was enough. It was 21:00, I was tired, and 2 of them showed up. One says he’s ‘really sorry’ but he has the stuff to buy. I snapped, saying he wasn’t sorry at all, and I told both of them that this would be the last time I would accept them after closing time.
Did they care? no.
They paid, left, etc. 15 mins later, I was out. It was around 21:30. They waited for me, saying that I ‘wasn’t nice’, that they really needed to buy their stuff since Sunday the store is closed (it was a Saturday night), and that I couldn’t relate to their struggles, because I wasn’t a full-time employee, just some student that knows nothing of the real world.
Plus, they accused me of not needing the dough anyways, so better off for me to quit since I hate to work.
At this point, they asked for my name, and said they would accuse me to my boss of ‘being rude and refusing customers’. I was a bit passive-aggressive, I admit, but I was always respectful.
I feel like I am in the right.
Why do they get to buy their stuff and go home when I’m still stuck in the store after 21 PM?
AITJ? Should I be more considerate of them?”
Another User Comments:
“Talk to your manager about what is the expected behavior. IF you are expected to keep the store open for co-workers then it should be reflected in your clock-in/clock-out records and you should be paid for it.
Also, it sounds like you are closing up? Or is there a supervisor there? It is really unsafe to have one person locking up on their own. If something happened (e.g. a slip and fall) there would be no one before morning. If there is a supervisor there – why are they letting these guys keep you all there late?
I understand that it is convenient for your coworkers to shop at the store on their way home, but I suspect you’re not being paid overtime to keep the till open for them.
Most other working people have to find a time when the stores are open to doing their shopping, even people who work full time.” Fraerie
Another User Comments:
“The insane thing to me, and I haven’t seen this mentioned yet, is that they asked for your name! Presumably, colleagues should know each other by name if they interact with them so frequently. If it’s a large shop and you never had reason to speak with them then that would be one thing but if you’re specifically doing them a semi-regular favor then there should be some camaraderie and you should definitely be on a first-name basis.
I also work retail and it’s also common for us to keep the tills open for ten minutes if a colleague needs something. But they stay behind and help me close so that we all finish together. And they have everything sorted so that it’s an easy transaction – no haggling over vouchers or spending five minutes to count their change.” LionisDandy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I think you mostly got into trouble by being overly accommodating, then snapping. In the future, try to draw those boundaries earlier. People don’t know they’re seriously inconveniencing you if you don’t tell them. However, you obviously had good intentions and they obviously are not entitled to take up your time after closing. Their actions at the end of the night were seriously out of line.
Your reasons for working and financial situation don’t factor in at all. You have a right to seek employment for whatever reasons you want. They don’t have a right to take advantage of you because they perceive you as having it better.” Reign_Drop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I worked at a supermarket for 12 years (high school and college) and it was customary that if employees wanted to buy things after closing time, they would get all their stuff a little before closing time and cover for each other to do so.
Then, after closing time, the items were rung up really fast and that was that. No coupons, no drama, not putting stuff back. That being said, we had a policy that everyone that worked until closing time left the store at the same time. So taking your sweet time meant annoying 15 coworkers.
I’m sorry they’re doing this.” FancyAirport
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you’re not getting paid past that time, you don’t need to work for your coworkers.
I used to work at butchers who were awesome. We’d close the doors for customers, then everyone in the shop would shop (admittedly most of us collected our stuff and packed it during our shifts so we could just hop to the counter.) Then everyone would close the tills and we’d do closing duties. I guess paying for stuff before locking out was one of the incentives of closing shifts.
Day shifts clocked out and then paid for their stuff.
Are they waiting until they’ve finished closing to go shopping? Because that’s rude. Maybe talk to a manager. They shop, they close, they leave. Closing goes later but they get paid to shop.” ameinias
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I certainly hope you are getting paid for your time, but it is irrelevant. What you are scheduled for is another story.
If your work schedules you to be there that late taking into consideration stragglers and closing duties, and you just want out early, then YTJ. But there is nothing wrong with wanting to be able to have a set time to leave by. You have your own life.” sylvanasisBDE
7. AITJ For Reporting My Neighbors For Having Their Kids/Dogs In My Yard?
“We had new neighbors move into our duplex about a year ago. We’ve had problems with them since day 1, mostly because they went to high school with us (so we know their personalities) and are addicted to illegal substances.
In an attempt to summarize: these people (22M and 21F) asked us to borrow our electricity because they didn’t have funds for a deposit the first day of moving in, and then two days later, put human feces in a bag with a note on my front porch, saying that my dogs are dumping in their yard and their kids play there. I filed a police report because I could only imagine what would happen if I didn’t put my foot down.
My partner said I overreacted. They apologized and realized it was actually the neighbor’s dogs across the street (which literally everyone knew).
My partner (22M) and I (24F) have been having two major issues with them. The first: their kids. They rarely have custody of their children (I’m not sure what’s going on), but when I open my front door, there’s a 50/50 chance that their 2-year-old (just now 3y/o) son is standing in his diaper only, pressed against the glass.
It doesn’t matter the weather. He doesn’t do anything. Just stares. But it’s at least 10-15 minutes before either parent notices. They’re not even outside with him when it happens. Their other child is under a year old, and I’ve seen him once on the sidewalk leading up to my porch (we have separate porches). Other than that, there’s no evidence they actually have children.
No toys, nothing. But when their child is up against the door, my dogs lose their mind, and they blame me that my dogs aren’t well-behaved. I actually am concerned because we don’t have the best neighborhood, and this child is totally unsupervised.
My second problem: Our landlord told them they could not have a dog because our two dogs = their two children. They were furious at this, claiming that it isn’t equivalent or fair that they can’t have a dog.
Despite her telling them this, they got two dogs. Both run freely around the neighborhood and dump/pee wherever they like, including my front yard. I had my final straw whenever I had to work the other morning, and their dog was at our backdoor, crying and scratching to come in because there was an ice storm. The crying was from 1:00 a.m. to 4:45 a.m.
Any time I address the issue or try to, they laugh it off or turn the blame around on me. I’m past the point of fed-up. I want to call DCFS and Animal Control, but my partner thinks I’m overreacting and holding grudges because of when they first moved in. WIBTJ and moving ‘too harsh, too fast’ (as my partner says) if I called DCFS/Animal Control?
UPDATE: DCFS is already involved with the family. I can’t call Animal Control until Monday because of their phone hours, but I can hear them beating their dogs from inside my house. They’re crying/whining.
UPDATE 2: Police contact about animals. The landlord has also been contacted.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone who is a mandated reporter, call them. It’s up to DCFS (and arguably animal control) to decide if what you report warrants further investigation by them.
If they decide not to take the case then it’s not on your conscience as you did your part. I’m not sure if it’s a US-based statistic or my state, but we have yearly reporter training and they say a kid will report abuse/neglect to 7 adults before anyone reports it.
Obviously, these kids are too young themselves and I saw you said that dcfs is already involved, but I’d personally want to make sure that they were aware of the extent of dangers the kids are in when standing outside unsupervised and unclothed (especially since you live somewhere there are ice storms, I’d hope not outside then but still if it’s not warm summertime I’d be worried)” future_nurse19
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If it’s not you it’s just going to be another neighbor. These aren’t the kind of people who live with ease, there will always be someone reporting them because they will never bother to take care of themselves or their homes. If they’re addicts my guess is they wanted a guard dog. God bless because I don’t think anything is worse than having crackheads for neighbors.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ unless you don’t call. Then you are the jerk. The kids and the dogs need someone with authority to step in and make certain that they are okay because the parents are showing signs of being neglectful. Since they are blowing off your concerns, you need to go to someone who can force them to listen.” KatFrog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The dog stuff is one thing and subjects to a bit more nuance depending on your local laws, but I would absolutely call DCFS about a regularly unattended toddler. I have a 3-year-old and I cannot imagine leaving her unsupervised outside for many minutes… In our fenced backyard long enough to grab a glass of water while watching her through the window, ok. And once could be a ‘holy cow, I guess they can work doorknobs now!’, but regularly finding an unattended 3-year-old outside is a massive red flag for a neglectful situation.” InannasPocket
6. AITJ For Not Wanting My Fiance To Have Groomsmen?
“I’m an only child, so is my fiance. I’ve never exactly had a close group of friends like a lot of people I’ve known. I have one or two close friends, but not a whole group.
Getting married is something I’ve always dreamed of but having a bridal party has been a place where I’ve always hesitated. There are a lot of reasons why people have them, and I get that, but I just don’t think it’s right for me.
For one thing, they always seem to be 5+ people in the bridal party, and quite frankly, I don’t have that many close friends.
I’m worried I’ll invite someone who wouldn’t want me to be in their party should they get married, and it’ll make our friendship awkward in the future because they’ll feel some obligation towards me. Secondly, it’s just a lot of extra that I don’t really have. I wouldn’t want to make my bridesmaids buy dresses, I would want to buy them because it just feels wrong to make someone else buy a dress for my wedding that they’ll only wear once.
These are a few of the reasons but it just overall stresses me out to think about. I want my wedding to be as stress-free as possible so I don’t want a bridal party.
Here’s where I might be the jerk though.
My fiance really wants to have the best man and groomsmen. He was part of a fraternity in college and made friends there that he considers being his brothers, as he didn’t have any growing up.
We got in a bit of a fight yesterday because I admitted that I didn’t want a bridal party and he said he wanted to have groomsmen. He said that he couldn’t have groomsmen if I didn’t have a bridal party because it would be awkward overall and would look stupid in pictures and such, and I agree. I care about him a lot and I know he cares about me.
This is his wedding, but it’s mine too. I know he’ll be disappointed if he can’t have his friends as his groomsmen but they’ll still be in attendance, just as guests. Having groomsmen and by default bridesmaids, is going to really stress me out, and planning a wedding is already stressful enough, but not having groomsmen is going to disappoint my fiance. Should I insist we not have a wedding party at all, or should I just******* up, invite a few people to be in my bridal party that I don’t really care about, and deal with some extra stress.
So I leave this up to you, AITJ here? I really just want to do the right thing for both of us so we can have a good wedding that we look back on fondly and I’m not sure what to do.”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. Merging lives is stressful. Weddings are not just this magical moment for women. Men can and do get a lot out of the events as well.
It’s important to him and just because you don’t want the added stress of dresses and possible awkward reciprocation, you’ll deny him the chance to make those memories with men he considers brothers.
Advice.******* up. Compromise. Allow 3 on each side. That gives him the best man and two groomsmen. You match that with women you feel would support you and your marriage. Be frank about caring for them as your friendships stand but that you would’ve chosen not to do one, so them coming through for you is appreciated. You understand and have no expectations of them for you if they should get married in the future.
Get it out of the way and enjoy your union.
It legitimately goes by so fast but I promise you that he’ll be missing out more without them than you will with them. If that makes sense.
Middle of a gaming session.” kelleykills
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – I was in your shoes myself when I was planning my wedding – a suggestion – think OUTSIDE of the box…
I have NO girly friends because women give me headache. That said, we did need to have witnesses for the wedding paperwork so I had my brother and my best friend as my BRIDESMEN, the Groom had his Best man and Groomsmen.
In my case – I also had my daughter and niece as my flower girls so the Bridesmen walked the girls down the aisle, but the other idea I had was to have them escort my mother down the aisle.
I didn’t stress too much about the photos – the ones of the groom my daughter and I and with our families are what mattered to me.
Having my boys on hand was an amazing decision, they were able to help me do up the back of my dress, they were relaxed and able to help with anything I needed on the day & I wasn’t competing with them over mirror space.
See if there are other people you will want by your side at the wedding, Aunties, Grandmothers, Mothers, close male friends, anything you feel comfortable with, compromise so you can both have your way.
And don’t forget – The first dance, the loving bridal photos, and all those bridal party things are about you and your fiance – no one else.” MsAbigail84
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – but you guys need to compromise on this. Do you like puppies? I’ve seen people walk puppies down the aisle instead of bouquets. Maybe your wedding party can be some puppies and the groomsmen can walk them? Also – who gives a **** about how well things look in pictures. This is a day and a moment beyond public opinion. For me, I had a man AND a maid of honor by my side (which just isn’t done in these parts according to stuffy tradition).
If he wants the whole freaking frat house to join the wedding party, great! And don’t worry about matching it. You can even choose to stand up by yourself if it makes you comfortable and happy.” adraeger
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but also no easy answers. My fiance is facing a similar struggle although more complicated for a handful of reasons.
Could you guys compromise and have just one or two people on either side?
That way your guy still feels supported.
Alternatively, you could have 2 and he could have another even number and his guys could just march down together. It wouldn’t be even but also a photographer probably wouldn’t end up having the whole wedding party in many shots during the actual wedding anyway. You just wouldn’t take combined party pictures.
I understand your husband’s point of view.
I was okay foregoing a large party but adamant that I wanted my best friend by my side.” Gobl1nGirl
It’s his wedding too. If you don’t want bridesmaids don’t have them. Let him have his groomsmen. Your pictures will be cute …”here’s me and my boys”…assuming you know and like his friends and they know and like you.
5. AITJ For Telling Stepson He'd Have To Pay Us Back For Dental Work?
“I (36F) have been with hubby (46M) since my stepson, Jon (11M) was 3 yrs old & I have helped raise him. I’ve always made it perfectly clear that his mom is his mom (to respect her role) but I’m always here for him & love him. Jon comes to me often when he doesn’t feel well, has problems at school, has questions about girls, and definitely for all his homework questions/help with school.
Hubby is not much of a disciplinarian. If Jon does something blatant, he will step in, but tends to blow off a lot. Ex: he does not notice when Jon makes extra work for grandma (76F) like leaving wet towels on the floor or leaving half-eaten candy on the couch that stains. At these times, I’m usually the one to step in & remind Jon that he has to be more considerate of older grandma, & clean up after him or make him do it.
At home, I have rules like if you want to play with dogs in the yard & create obstacles courses for them, have fun, but everything needs to be put back away when done. Hubby does not care one way or another if a mess is left behind, but I’m the one that has to clean it up. But hubby is supportive of the rules. I don’t just ‘tell’ Jon to do something.
I explain why it is necessary & how it could help/hurt him or benefit others. We have a pretty good relationship and there is a lot of love between us.
Possible AITJ: I have noticed Jon has recently started chewing ice. I mentioned that ice is really harmful to teeth twice. Yesterday, I noticed him chewing & crunching his way through a big glass of ice.
I asked, ‘didn’t you hear me when I mentioned that ice can really hurt your teeth?’ He brushed me off (tween behavior(?)) saying he likes the taste & then walked off. I let it go because we were at a friend’s house, but told hubby we need to look into this possibly being a medical issue or if Jon has just picked up a harmful/bad habit.
This morning, I printed an easy-to-read article geared to kids that explains the damage ice causes. Told stepson that before TV time today, he needs to read the article & then complete a set of questions at the bottom. He was put out but complied. After he was done, I asked him if he had a better understanding of the damage ice causes and explained that I do not want him chewing ice in our home, because I cannot allow him to do something I know might hurt him.
I cannot control him chewing ice elsewhere (like his mom’s house), so it is up to him what he wants to do, but, if he intentionally damages his teeth, would it be fair that we should have to pay for it? He kind of sulked (understandably). I told him dental work gets really expensive and his dad & I work very hard to make sure he has everything he needs, but if he needs dental work because of the ice, he will have to pay us back $100 out of his birthday savings.
AITJ?
For the record, I have no intention of actually using his savings $ for dental work. When we talked, I explained that the $100 amount that I put in this month, I would withdraw as ‘payment’. It was a way to drive home the point, but now I feel like a d**********t about it. Wondering if it was a really jerk thing to do and if I’ve scarred my boy for life.
(I do not have a relationship with my husband’s ex. She has been covertly racist (I’m Asian), so I limit interaction. I will ask hubby to follow up with her about looking into other health reasons why a child might be chewing ice like iron deficiency, anxiety, etc. I’m concerned)
Edit 1: No, mom does not pay for medical expenses. She qualifies for government assistance/health plans, but I added Jon to my insurance because I want him to have the best access to healthcare and not be limited by the government plans.
Mom also blows off when Jon feels ill, has random accidents, pains, etc. Jon comes to me and I typically address (usually by comforting him), or insisting hubby take him to the doc if I feel it is serious.
Edit 2: There have been a lot of comments about responsibility, financial obligations, etc. Early on in my marriage, I freaked out that neither parent would take Jon to the Dr. about earaches.
This upset me because I know untreated infections can lead to permanent hearing loss. Mom flipped out and said I was not the ‘parent’ and the husband supported my ex in that. He did end up taking Jon to the dr and the kid did indeed have an infection. Despite the apology from hubby, I have backed off and left parenting responsibilities to the parents.
However, I will absolutely advocate for Jon’s health and care and wellbeing, no matter how annoying it makes me seem.
Edit 3: This post is not about the $$ or taking from Jon! I am doing well financially and spend a lot of my $$ on Jon because I know his parents cannot afford certain things that they would have to split (yes, I make a lot more than his father and his mom does not work).
I pay for science camps, his insurance (I wanted him on a better plan than the govt plan he was originally on), his karate and riding lessons, etc. His parents also ignored me when I discussed starting a college fund for him, so years ago I started one myself that only I contribute into. If he wants to go get advanced degrees when he’s older, he will have the $$ through that account as well as other investment accounts I have for him.
He is the sole beneficiary of my will because this kid is very important to me. I have, in effect, made sure my boy will be financially secure for the rest of his life.
Note: There seems to be confused about his ‘birthday savings’ and how he would ‘pay for his medical bills’. He would never have to pay for his medical bills!!
The account was started when he was 8 so I could teach him about $$.
I feel most adults were never given proper personal finance education, and am impressed with the way some countries have added it into the school curriculum starting in middle school and sometimes younger. The account has funds that I add to on a monthly basis, but we call it his ‘birthday savings’ because it started when my family gave him for his birthday. His father puts in a little amount now and then, and we add to it during the year.
He understands deposits and withdrawals. He does not understand (yet) the actual value of items, but he knows that, for example, he will need $400 to buy a bike he wants (cost supplemented by us). When he buys something using the account, he proudly takes his debit card, slides it through the machine, and signs for it. He checks the bill to make sure it says what it should say.
He has taken to finances like a duck to water and I’m extremely proud of him. When he is older, I will teach him about interest, fees, loans, etc. He will grow up having all the financial acumen I can give him.
This ‘paying us back’ for damage to his teeth was $100 from that account. It bothers him because he is actively saving for something.
Based on the comments, I have accepted that using as a consequence can be d*****y and I am the jerk. I accept my judgment. However, I want to clarify that no way was the child going to get slapped with a medical bill, or that I begrudge spending my or my time on him.
Edit 5: Yikes this is getting long. (FYI, I’ve been banned from further comments due to getting feisty with folks I felt were being unnecessarily cruel, and missing the point entirely.) This post opened my eyes that out of concern for losing out on his monthly $100, Jon might not tell me if he is in pain.
THIS HAS ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED ME!!!! I want to thank the people who brought this to my attention because I definitely do not want to ruin the open communication we currently have. I have since cleared that up with him and after lots of hugs and kisses, he seems to be okay. He told me he loves me and will stop chewing ice if it makes me sad (my sweet boy!!!!)”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but only a little.
I just think for an 11-year-old it sounds like ‘if you do this (seemingly innocuous, but not ideal) thing we don’t like, we’ll take away all your savings.’ I think it’s great that you’re trying to help him to understand the ‘why’ of your actions, but ultimately kids aren’t stupid and will realize that chewing ice is a fairly minor infraction.
So, if you say ‘if you do this relatively small thing, we’ll punish you very badly’ — it feels very unfair.
Honestly, growing up my parents tried to control me a lot by making me feel guilty about (you did this and it cost us X much), and it made me feel powerless and resentful (since as a kid I could only earn so much through tutoring/part-time work, etc.).
I personally don’t think it’s a great strategy based on my experience, but I’m not a childcare expert.
I just think sometimes trying to help kids to understand what to do and then trusting them to make the right decisions (knowing sometimes they will not) is better than resorting to guilt/threats all the time. (Also, making kids feel like ‘if you do X, we’re not going to take care of you financially’ may make them feel less ‘safe’ which can result in much worse behavioral problems than chipped teeth.)
Also, if the ice chewing is due to anxiety, he might not be able to control it, and feeling guilty about it will only make it worse. (Perhaps giving him an alternative thing to do would help? Like maybe some sort of sugarless gum?)
Either way, it sounds like you are very mindfully raising this kid, so I’m sure you guys will figure out a good way to do things.
Good luck.” jennnjennjen
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here but the child. First, chewing ice can be a sign of anemia. It’s not wildly common but if someone picks up the habit out of nowhere, it’s worth checking in about. I know this because my anemic mom chewed ice my whole childhood.
Second, the majority of your complaints – the fact that this child has few boundaries and structure, doesn’t follow directions, don’t clean up after himself – is a reflection of his parents.
Your husband doesn’t seem to care that healthy kids need boundaries and need to be held accountable to become independent and thrive. He’s testing you because he long ago realized if he pushes his mom and dad will let him do anything he wants. Your complaints are with his parents, not him.
Giving him factual information was a decent idea. Using as an incentive/punishment at that age over health care is going too far.
The next dentist trip has them talk to him, as that may help. Kids have a hard time understanding long-term consequences because their brains aren’t fully developed. Hanging healthcare and moolah over his head isn’t going to change that at his age. That rarely stops adults from doing behaviors that are unhealthy, tbh, and they know better.” starrynightt87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, in my opinion.
You have a very valid reason for asking him not to chew ice – you’ve shown him why this is bad for his teeth and have had him show you that he understands. It might not mean much to him now due to his age, but as an adult, he will value the health of his teeth – and he will have learned a valuable lesson about consequences.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with making a child be financially responsible in some way for something completely preventable. To me, this is no different than a child having to pay to have their phone repaired because they dropped it when it didn’t have a case on it – the case they knew they were supposed to keep on the phone to protect it.
Children have to be taught there are consequences for not following rules.” jml7791
4. AITJ For Not Apologizing When They Charged My Card Twice?
“My husband and I went to purchase a bed and frame for my FIL. It cost 470 bucks and some change. Everything went well until today and the account was overdrawn by 211 dollars. DH transferred into the account to have about 30 bucks in it. I had just sent a payment through for 180 dollars 3 days ago and it hasn’t been processed yet.
So now the account will be overdrafted again. When we checked the business whom we purchased the bed from charged the account twice.
So I called them and explained to the lady what had happened. Without hesitation, she is immediately defensive saying that she did the deposit this morning and everything totaled out fine and I need to come down and prove to her the charges.
So I’m a little ticked she kept talking over me, never offered an apology or anything along the lines of ‘oh no I don’t know what happened the deposit I did was fine but let me check again’ Nothing. Just immediately defensive and I felt like she was calling me a liar without saying the words. I asked what time they closed and told her that I WILL be coming down there to show her my banking app.
She then proceeds to say that she’s not going to argue with me about it. We hang up. I tell hubbs to call the bank and see what they say.
After I get off the phone with the lady, the hubbs say that I need to be nice. After he gets off the phone with the bank he says that I need to call back and apologize to the lady because she was nothing but nice and I was just a jerk.
I don’t think I was a jerk. I was firm after she got really defensive but I don’t feel I was rude about the whole thing and I told him that I’m not calling back and apologizing.
The bank credited the account for the amount that was taken out the second time so we got our back but after this whole thing, he won’t talk to me.
So dear people of Reddit if you’ve gotten this far AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You’re not upset about something trivial. It’s $400 that has the potential to cascade into a much bigger headache if not fixed quickly. I’ve worked retail for pretty much ever and I like it, but I’ve definitely screwed up before. Mistakes happen. Tech stuff glitches. Sometimes customers are wrong. But you don’t know until you look into it more and you do have to at least try.
And if you’re taking people’s there’s an expectation that you’ll do so carefully and be responsive to any issues. It would’ve been so easy for her to empathize with your frustration and tell you that she’d double check all her numbers to see where or if something went wrong.” personofpaper
Another User Comments:
“Was this on a debit card? If so, maybe there was an attempted charge that got declined and then a second one that went through.
Declined charges can create a pending hold on funds from your bank. The merchant doesn’t see this and basically, the bank is holding funds until they feel certain the merchant isn’t going to accept them.
I deal with this all the time at my day job. A customer can say they see 2 or 3 charges and I only see 1. And when they talk to their bank, the bank confirms that only one was accepted and the rest they are holding.
I get yelled at constantly by customers about this. I’m used to it by now, but I also wish banks would explain pending holds and how they can be automatically created by declined charges on their end and the merchant did nothing wrong.” User
Moral of the story, sometimes there is shady stuff going on. You didn't cuss or anything, so your not the jerk.
3. AITJ For Making My Gifts?
“I grew up in a practical and frugal household and my family doesn’t exchange gifts for any occasions. I know that’s not how most people grow up so I do participate in gift exchanges where it’s socially required. My partner’s birthday was yesterday and I had spent about a month knitting him a beanie, scarf, and socks. He spent the night sulking and saying that he expected more from me after being together for 3 yrs.
We have long winters so it’s going to be cold for a while and I thought it was a good practical gift. I asked him what the problem was and he told me that gifts shouldn’t be practical but something fun and that he wouldn’t get for himself. I told him I was thinking about him for every stitch I made. He was still sulking this morning and left for work without wearing any of the things.
AITJ?
INFO: He told me to look at his Amazon wish list for ideas when I asked him what he wanted. The items on there were all over $200, with a winter jacket that was more than $1000. I guess I took his words too literally when he said to look at it for ideas because I made items that matched the color scheme of the jacket.
For my past birthdays, he got me takeout the first year and last year he gave me a really expensive necklace. Both times I told him in advance that I don’t celebrate my birthday but he insisted.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going against the grain with YTJ. Gifts are more important, relationship-wise, to some people than others. They’re huge for me. I love giving gifts, and I feel loved when someone puts time and effort into getting me something I enjoy.
After three years you should know him well enough to know that gifts are important to him. When he told you last year that it matters to him to get something separate from other people, you should have heard him, and gotten him something he’d enjoy, from you. Not made him something practical to avoid the cost. Homemade gifts are really, really tricky in general.
There’s a higher risk of hurt feelings if it’s not truly loved, and no exchanges or returns. It sounds like your partner made it clear to you in the past what fills that emotional need for him, and you didn’t take it to heart. Even if gift-giving isn’t meaningful to you, it is to him, and therefore a valuable way to show your partner you know him and love him.” bookishboymom
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to point out the contradiction between expecting him to be ok with you not wearing the jewelry he gave you that wasn’t what you wanted, and expecting him to wear the knitted stuff you gave him that wasn’t what he wanted.
In my opinion, this is kind of a combination of ‘no jerks here’ and ‘everyone sucks here’, so I know it’s not going to be counted but whatever.
You are both expecting the other person to be the kind of person you are when this is clearly not the case. You are giving him what would be special to you, and he is giving you what would be special to him. Both of you are interpreting the other person’s expressed wishes through the lens of what gift-giving means to you. It’s not working.
I think what your partner is upset about (your use of ‘sulking’ really does dismiss the validity of his feelings here, I just want to point out) is that he was hoping that you would be better attuned to the kind of person he is about gift-giving, and he’s feeling hurt that this didn’t happen. It’s not so much that he’s being selfish in what he asks for, it’s that he’s the kind of person who sees giving and receiving gifts as outside of ordinary time to go in for the treats that one wouldn’t normally splurge on.
And he probably thinks that he communicated explicitly what he wanted and you didn’t listen.
I’m not saying he’s right, btw, this isn’t really a binary situation, and insofar as you didn’t understand him it sounds like honest miscommunications/misunderstandings.
Yes, also he hasn’t really understood who you are about gift-giving and what your values are in that area, so yes he is also doing the thing he is upset with you for doing.
And your gift was clearly thought about and an attempt on your part to match your values with his desires, which hopefully he’ll be able to appreciate eventually, even if he continues not to love the gift itself. Which he is allowed not to do, even if it sucks for you.
You guys are both who you are, and are going to continue to be those people, and the two of you really need to figure out if you can get onto the same page about how to deal with that, or if it’s going to end up being a big enough mismatch to be a dealbreaker.
Basically, when you’re both cool, talk about it!!!!!!!
No, neither of you has been giving gifts the other wanted. You’ve been giving gifts you’d like to get yourselves, and thinking that should make the other person want it.
Take-out is dumb for you because you value time and personal attention, but to your partner, it might have been a rarely indulged treat.
(Also, I don’t know how well he cooked, maybe he thought it better not to accidentally poison you both, while you would have fathered he tried and failed?)
Can you guys get to a place where, for instance, you can comfortably buy him an extravagance even though you personally think it’s dumb, because he does not, and you value him? Can he get to a place where he understands that even though he thinks it’s weird to oh I don’t know make you spaghetti and watch your favorite movie with you, or whatever you actually like, you think that’s really special and therefore that’s actually a gift?
Or alternatively, can you guys get to a place where you understand where the other person is coming from and therefore can appreciate the spirit of their attempts, even when the gifts themselves end up being a miss?” nothanks86
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I think you need to take a step back and think about things a little differently. His birthday gift isn’t about you.
It’s not about what you think he should want what you feel like making or the effort you put into making it. Your partner has tried to communicate that he sees value in getting a big gesture type of gift, and that’s ok. You need to get over always being frugal and understand that for him, the monetary splurge is important. The ‘fun’ aspect is important.
If he’s like me, he sees birthdays as a time when he gets stuff he wouldn’t go buy for himself. Going forward, try to adjust your budget to set aside a little each month to accommodate for splurging on him a couple of times a year. That way he gets the big, fun present he wants while you aren’t feeling like it’s putting anyone out.” cawatxcamt
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You two clearly have different attitudes towards and gifts and maybe celebrations in general. This goes a lot deeper than just the present occasion. I am a bit surprised that this discrepancy has not come up before. It’s something you have to discuss. It can be OK to agree to disagree and respect the other person’s opinion.
Personally, I think a gift should be something small, a token of appreciation, but I have never spent $1000 on a gift, and I think this is excessive.
I often see posts on Reddit where people mention spending hundreds of dollars on gifts for family members or partners, so this may be something that is done now, and I am simply behind the times. At a certain age, you pretty much have all the things you need and don’t want to add more clutter to your house, so you tend to concentrate on small things and on things that can be used like specialty foodstuffs.
By the way, if you take into account the hours it took you to make the items and multiply them with your hourly salary, you would probably end up with a 3 digit number too.” throwaway23er56uz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I hand make almost all of my gifts. If there’s something I know someone wants then I’ll definitely try to get them that, but you bet they’re also getting a handmade card or a friendship bracelet or something that I invested time and effort into as well.
I guess my biggest question here is, did you know he doesn’t like handmade presents? If you did and gave him one anyway, that’s maybe a little jerkish? But if he gave you no kind of direction and no indication, you did what you thought was best. Not to mention even if it wasn’t his favorite, sulking and whining is not the way to go about it, especially when he could have brought it up at a later time that he prefers fun gifts.
This doesn’t need to be a deal-breaker, but you guys should probably figure out if this could be indicative of larger incompatibilities like how you handle conflict and disappointment. You’ve already got 3 years with this guy, so finding out now is probably important.
I’m sure your scarf was gorgeous and this makes me want to thank my mother for all the things she’s crocheted for me again!” gingerlivv
2. AITJ For Siding With My Dog Over My Partner?
“I’ve had my dog since he was a puppy, I got him for my 16th birthday, I’m 25 now. I’ve always loved my dog, and I treat him almost like an equal instead of a pet.
He sleeps in my bed when I eat. He either lays his head on my legs and sits next to me or lays on my feet, I take him with me when I leave my house if I don’t have to leave him in the car, etc. This dog and I are just about attached at the hip. Many people have remarked how I’m a little too attached to my dog, but it’s never actually been a problem before now.
Also, I’ve been with my partner for almost 6 months.
This problem arose last night. My partner was over for dinner, and we were planning on eating and watching a movie. Usually, when I eat on the couch, my dog will sit next to me in ‘his spot’ so he just instinctively sat there. My partner came to the living room before me and saw my dog.
He told him to move and my dog just kind of looked at him. Then he yelled, ‘MOVE!’ And my dog didn’t do anything. I think the reason for this is because I say ‘down’ if I want my dog to get off my bed or the couch, so he just didn’t know what my partner meant. Anyways, my partner grabs him by his scruff because he didn’t have his collar on and makes him move.
I come out as this is happen and I freaked out a little. I pulled my dog towards me and asked my partner what he was doing. He said that he wouldn’t move, so he was making his move. I told him that wasn’t how you do it, and that if he would have waited just a moment for me, I would have gotten him to move no problem.
This blew up into a huge fight, with my partner saying I always side with my dog when my partner disciplines him.
My partner doesn’t have a dog, and never has because his mom was allergic growing up and now he just has no desire for one. He’s almost always nice to my dog, but he just doesn’t know how to handle it when he doesn’t listen.
I don’t feel like I’m purposely choosing my dog over him, but since my partner doesn’t know how to handle dogs, I usually side with my dog because what my partner did was wrong and I usually tell him why. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s not his dog, so it is not his job to discipline it. Also as he never had a dog, he doesn’t even know how to handle a situation like that.
You should let him know the commands and tell him to not ‘discipline’ the dog. If he keeps on just pushing it around and hurting it, it could lead to aggressive behavior. This is the last thing anyone can want for this situation.
You should also sit down and talk to him about being jealous. The dog is very important to you and you want him to treat it with respect.
If you really prefer the dog to your partner, you might need to shift your priorities a bit. (Even though I would have probably dumped my partner if he treats my dog like that without showing remorse. Especially if that happens several times and he is not able to understand your relationship with it.)” Kerebdis
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think you should teach him how to discipline the dog as it sounds like he was being too rough with him.
I think it’s also natural for him to be jealous of your dog since he has only been in the picture for 6 months and probably isn’t used to the dynamic. it just sounds like your dog is your best friend, which is normal as they literally evolved to be our besties.” marshnellow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are not the jerk 100% but from reading this post I feel like your partner’s actions could be categorized as ill-judged and reflective of a lack of animals in his life previously.
I don’t get the sense that he’s mean or cruel to the doggo and that is the key thing.
Have a chat with him when you’re both relaxed. Incorporate him into the pooch’s life as much as can be allowed. If this guy loves you he’ll get how important the dog is to you and act accordingly.” iggyfpontificates
Another User Comments:
“While having a very strong attachment to your dog could have mental health implications I don’t think that makes you the jerk (also don’t come at me, I love my dog and I will literally be crawling into the grave with her when she passes).
I am seriously wondering why you are with your partner though. You like dogs, he doesn’t like dogs. If you’re that attached to your dog I bet you want another in the future and he probably won’t agree.
Long story short: NTJ and he is the jerk because he lost his temper with the dog. Where I come from you never discipline someone else’s kid or dog, especially in their own home.” Simmeryetimbers
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I would probably check his anger issues in others situations.
I get when people haven’t grown up with animals that they don’t know how to co-habitat with them but grabbing a dog by his scruff seems aggressive- esp. in this scenario where you’re in the next room. If an unknown creature or child or I dunno, plant, frustrates me, I don’t think a violent or abrupt physical movement towards them is ever really the best path forward.
(Okay maybe toward a frustrating plant but even then I’d be self-reflective about it).” the_okay_est
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get that he wanted to sit with you, but screaming at your dog and yanking him around by the scruff of his neck is not okay, especially when he could have waited 30 seconds for you. Asking him to control his temper and not to have a meltdown because your dog sitting on the couch isn’t choosing your dog over him.
Although, even if you had chosen your dog over him, you’d have made the right choice. A person who loses their temper easily and takes it out on your dog is probably not the kind of person you want.” emanresuelbaliavayna
1. AITJ For Not Throwing My Straw Wrapper In The Trash Can?
“There’s a Starbucks by my work which I go to every morning. It’s always super crowded and it’s also poorly designed. The trash can is located on basically the other side of the place where you get your straws. So if you want to dispose of your trash, you have to basically push your way through a crowd of people. It’s annoying. So what usually happens is people just leave their wrappers on the counter.
I am one of those people.
Today, it was crowded as per usual and I left my wrapper on the counter. A woman asked me if I was going to throw away my wrapper. I mean, keep in mind that at this point, there was already a pile of wrappers on the counter. I asked her if she worked there (even though it was obvious that she did not, I just couldn’t believe she was singling me out for something basically everyone does).
She said she wasn’t but that I was making their jobs harder. I said, ‘If you care so much, you can throw out my wrapper for me. I really don’t give a *****.’ She looked at me like I was being a jerk and didn’t take me up on my offer to throw away my trash. I left but the interaction kind of bothered me the rest of the day.
I want to stress that if an actual employee asked me to throw out my wrapper, I would have done it, no questions asked. I just thought it was super annoying that she was acting like she was the boss of Starbucks. I don’t know why she picked on me when everyone was doing it. Maybe because I’m a female in my 20s. I have no idea but it was annoying.
I didn’t tell any of my coworkers this because it’s kind of embarrassing to get into arguments with strangers at Starbucks lol. Was I the jerk here?
EDIT: Darn you guys are angry lol! I guess I’m a jerk then. Still, I’m not gonna stop leaving my wrappers there because if they wanted to fix that, they definitely could just move the can closer to the straws; this isn’t rocket science.
Guess I’d always rather be a jerk than a nosy person who can’t mind her own business at a Starbucks.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. And I can only assume you’ve never worked in the service industry. While yes, it is the employee’s job to clean up the place, they shouldn’t have to do it just because you’re a lazy jerk. You couldn’t have put the wrapper in your pocket to be thrown it away later if disposing of it right then was such a chore for you?
If you go through the Starbucks drive-thru do you just throw the straw paper out the window too? I can only imagine how annoyed the employee must be who had to clean up all those paper particles.” sweetsoutherntea
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Seriously, just because there isn’t a trash bin within arm’s reach doesn’t entitle you to just litter on the counter. Take it in your pocket and dispose of it at the next option at hand.
The fact that almost everyone is doing it does not justify mean behavior (against the employees and future customers). We simply need more individuals with the guts to call people out on this, so it won’t continue to be socially acceptable behavior. Leave every place a bit better than you found it. This includes cleaning up after you.” iamsportaholic
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The other customer called you out because she caught you in the act of littering at that moment.
She was not monitoring you and waiting to bully you. Most people are calling you the jerk for littering in general. All the other customers before you were also jerks. You are now 2x the jerk for your edit and doubling down. If the trash can is in a truly inconvenient spot, then why not inform the staff? You could also drop the trash into a public receptacle outside the shop if it’s on the way to your next destination.” crunchletsupreme
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Seriously, it would take you all of 30 seconds to get up and throw away your trash. Or you could do it when you were going to leave, or you take it with you and throw it away in a public trashcan on the sidewalk. Instead, you’re making someone working for barely more than minimum wage clean up trash that you were literally too lazy to clean up.
Or worse the next customer in the store is going to think the store is dirty because you couldn’t be a grown-up and throw away your trash. You made the employees there look bad because of your own bad behavior.” colonade17
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Man reading this made me so angry. The trash can being ‘too far’ and the fact that other people do it too aren’t good enough reasons.
That’s something a 6-year old says. ‘But moooom, all the other kids are doing it’. Show some respect and act your age it’s basic human decency, throw your trash away. The Starbucks baristas aren’t there to clean up after you just cause you’re lazy. The fact that you are bothered someone told you to clean up after yourself is crazy to me. They’re the ones that should be bothered by you and your behavior.
I don’t understand how in your mind you’re the innocent person in this situation. And the fact that you’re saying you’re still gonna leave your trash there and don’t care. What’s is going onnnn” mernam
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I somewhat disagree other comments. If he agreed to take care of the cat and you the dog, and you do care for your dog, he needs to step up and care for his cat. Gift him a self cleaning litter box. Maybe it will help him step up if the work is half done for him.