People Request Our Critiques On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Suggesting My Family To Go On A Vacation Without My Son?
“My son (18) is obsessed with award travel and free flights. He reads and researches it all day and has not shut up about it for the past year. I have been ignoring it for a while, but recently I’ve really wanted to go on a trip to Cancun that our family may not be able to afford otherwise.
I finally took his advice and opened the card he has been telling me about. The bonus from the card is enough to essentially cover the entire cost of our trip.
We have been trying to find dates that work for us to go. He suggested winter break since he has the entire month off from school, but his sisters (f14, f16) play sports and wouldn’t be able to go during that time.
I want to go over spring break, but his break doesn’t line up with his sister’s so he wouldn’t be able to come with me. When my daughters and I suggested we go without him in the spring, he was extremely upset and said that he couldn’t believe we would even consider this and brought up the fact that he planned the trip and researched the card to earn it for free.
I think he’s being selfish for trying to stop the rest of the family from going on vacation. All of my daughters’ friends go on vacation during spring break and I don’t want them to feel left out. I never asked him to plan the trip and I don’t think it’s fair for him to derail the plans for the rest of the family.
He is demanding that my daughters and I apologize for suggesting we go on the trip without him. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Oh for the love of Odin. You are a jerk for even having to ask, let alone for leaving out a kid, the kid whose clever mind earned you a free family vacation.
Since you appear very dense, let me say that again: you.are.a.ginormous.jerk. And a horrible excuse for a mother. I bet your son worked so hard on this idea just to get your attention and ‘love.’ A fat lot of good it did him, poor guy.
Your head’s still too far up your precious daughters’ butts.
This is a no-brainer: thank your son profusely, give him a hug, and tell him you’re all going on his break. Your middle school daughters can miss some sports. Even if they ARE Serena and Venus Williams.
Your son is a young adult and keeps acting like he’s an annoying bug and he’s going to fly out of your life, be a success (since he’s a smart kid), and you’re gonna be watching him from the sidelines.
You really are a callous wretch. Get some counseling and learn to at least hide your disdain for your kid. And take the daughter who said to leave your son home with you. That apple didn’t fall far from the rotted tree. And take everyone on the trip.” inkspirationbalto
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
The only reason why this makes sense to you is that YOU BENEFIT from it and won’t have to hear your daughters (who still live with you and are minors) complain about how they have to wait.
Why do your daughters’ sports come ahead of your son’s academic pursuits, which are undoubtedly linked to his future?
You’re basically saying you don’t care about him. He is right. You are leaving him out to have a girls’ vacation. Do you even care about the actual emotional impact your suggestion has on your son?
The impact it will have if you go through with it? He put in a lot of effort for you to do this. While yes, it was your card and you did spend the money to rack up those points–you wouldn’t have without your son’s persuasion and research.
Sounds like you’re a family of four and he’s the only boy in a household of women.
If you think this is so simple and logical, I really wonder how often he’s been left out when he was young. I really wonder how often mom and his sister did stuff together because they had time and didn’t want to be bothered to adjust for him. Even if dad is in the pic, he sounds horrible if he’s not advocating for his son and also being treated like he’s part of the family.
A lot of family pets are treated better and taken on vacations with the family.” PettyHonestThrowaway
Another User Comments:
“What I don’t understand is why it appears that you have a clear dislike for your son. His extended education costs a lot, as does your daughter’s sports, which you are choosing to make more valuable than education.
You can draw boundaries about his additional comments and behaviors regarding parenting or travel points, but to dismiss his input altogether shows that you don’t prioritize your children fairly or care for your son at all.
Why post on the internet if you disagree with everyone’s judgment? Your son is saving your family some funds on a vacation that could potentially cover the cost of your daughter’s missed sports times.
I think you and your daughters are being selfish by making choices that deliberately exclude family members for your own personal gain, which makes you and your daughters the problem. Officially, YTJ.” BeyondSpEd
18. AITJ For Not Inviting My Brother To My Wedding?
“I proposed to my partner, ‘Belle’, three days ago, after taking her to mini golf, for a lunch at our favorite café and a walk along the river to celebrate after both of us submitted the last of our university work.
We told her family over video call and the ones whose opinions she cares about were really supportive.
Because we live close to my family, we gathered them last night to tell them – I’m the first openly gay person in the family so every step we’ve taken (meeting the parents, moving in together last week (sooner than we initially thought to), etc.) has felt a lot bigger than with my brother and sister.
Everyone seemed excited, apart from my brother’s wife ‘Lana’. She made a comment about us being ‘too young’ to get married and my Mama reminded her that she and my brother married at 19 and Belle and I are both in our 20s. She eventually caved and said that our marriage would make a mockery of the concept because we’re both women.
She called our relationship a pantomime and Mama told her to shut up and she shut up for a bit.
It started up again when Lana bumped into Belle on the way to the toilet. Lana said some things about how we’ll never be a ‘proper’ married couple and used homophobic language. Belle has PTSD related to a homophobic incident back in her country and this triggered a night of restlessness and panic attacks (I have her permission to say this here).
My brother called me in the morning to apologize for Lana ‘causing a scene’ but said that she had a right to express her opinion and that I should respect her religious beliefs (we’re the same branch of Christianity). When he said that, I saw red. I don’t remember exactly what I said but the gist of it was that he enables her views and I don’t want either of them in my life, especially at my wedding.
Belle, Mama, and my sister are on my side but I’m starting to feel really bad because my brother has essentially been disowned by my parents in the fallout and I feel like the punishment may not fit the crime. AITJ?
Edit/update: It’s becoming increasingly clear that my brother has changed so much to the point where I don’t know who he is anymore and I have to put my future wife first. I sent him a calm message outlining why I would be cutting contact and blocked him and Lana on everything.
He called me from my cousin’s phone and tried saying that I’m being dramatic. He thinks if I forgive him, Mama and Papa will too but I don’t think they would. Then, he suggested that Belle was exaggerating her PTSD and wasn’t really triggered. I told him to get lost and put the phone down.
Mama is a retired paramedic and my sister is an emergency doctor and both have seen what can happen when mental health is dismissed so they re-opened communication just to tell him off before cutting him off again.
Update: thought you’d appreciate that my papa got us tickets to pride as an engagement present. He and Mama came to help us pick out engagement rings – we had Belle’s mom and stepdad on video call for a few minutes too.
I was going to pay for them but Papa distracted us with the Disney jewelry display, saying he wanted to get Mama an anniversary present (they met on holiday at Disneyland Paris back when it was Euro Disney), while Mama pretended to need the toilet and paid for our rings.
Update: The cousin who let him use her phone apologized to me and sent a screenshot of a rant Lana went on about how the family’s abandoning their ‘future grandchildren’ and another thing saying that Belle deserves the trauma, health issues, and operations that she’s been through and will have to deal with for the rest of her life and that she hopes her next check-up shows something horrible.
I’m not sure if my brother said anything to her about it but I’m guessing not. I and Belle have had a talk about it and my cousin also sent the screenshots to my mama.”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. You may want to consider forgiving and inviting at least him if he makes amends in the future but sounds like while trying to mediate he was asking you to respect his wife’s opinions while not asking his wife to respect fundamentally who you are.
Your wedding is meant to celebrate your love amongst people who love and support you and if your brother can’t recognize what he did in defending his wife was the opposite, that’s not on you.” popenoper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why have people there who don’t support you?
If you want, you can have a one-on-one convo with your brother to calmly talk through the issue in an attempt to repair the rift. If the brother doesn’t budge, then don’t invite him.
Don’t feel bad about your family’s actions. They are making it clear the kind of behaviors that won’t be tolerated. If brother and SIL don’t change their actions it’s on them.” 4682458
Another User Comments:
“Everyone has a right to feel how they feel. BUT if how you feel can hurt others you have the responsibility to keep your mouth shut.
You can love someone and not like the choices they make. If those choices aren’t hurting others then you keep your mouth shut.
NTJ – if your brother’s wife doesn’t like the way YOU live YOUR life she should keep her mouth shut. It is YOUR life. If she disagrees the only person who should hear her thoughts is her inner self.
If your brother is fine with his wife hurting people he cares for then he deserves to be cut out.” Spirited_Bill_8947
17. AITJ For Wanting To Know Why My Partner Is Grounded?
“I (18Y/O) have been with my partner (18Y/O) for three years. He still lives with his parents, and recently I was just allowed to stay over for 5 days.
Well, at the end of those 5 days, his parents, his mom, and stepdad specifically, said that he had done something wrong but had refused to tell him what it was.
I thought it was something pertaining to me/my visit, so I sent them a text asking what he or I did wrong and to let me know what it was.
I got a call from her today saying that it was MY fault that she yelled at him because I decided to text her about the situation.
She said that I wasn’t entitled to the information, which I understand, but I didn’t know what it was about at the time. Apparently, all he did wrong, according to him, was that he didn’t clean the bathroom or run the dishwasher. But again, she wouldn’t tell me what he had done.
During this call, I also asked her if he would be grounded since she does like to do that to him for very small mistakes.
For context behind this, she once grounded him for a week because he didn’t do the dishes correctly. Generally, our only form of communication is through our phones or computers, so I felt like I had to know and prepare for it. She said that I wasn’t entitled to that information either… Which again, I understand, but also again, if he’s grounded, I have no form of communication with him.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but I might be in the minority. As a parent, I do not appreciate my son’s friends/SO texting me in regards to them. I am not going out or friends with them, he is. If he wants to tell them what transpired between the two of us he can.
I do not need to address it and lecture him while they are there and I also do not want or need to explain my parenting to someone who is a child, or barely above the age to qualify as one when I am not their parent.
I get that he is an adult, and it seems like they are overbearing, but still, I don’t think it is your place to question their parenting decisions.” Chelular07
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You said you asked if you did anything wrong as well as him. You’re a young person and a guest, so that seems like a polite thing to ask.
She said it was your fault that she yelled at him. Nope. sorry, that’s messed up. You don’t get to blame other people for losing your temper, especially if you lost your temper at someone because a completely separate person sent a text that, to some people, seems nosy.
Again, for if he’s grounded. Based on this I would assume that you would only know because he stopped texting you for longer than usual. Again, this pertains to you. If he’s not allowed to call you or tell you changes or plans or even that he won’t be in touch, then you should know that.
It’s your business because it involves you. Maybe you were too pushy but she can’t claim that her yelling at her own son is your fault. That’s so stupid.” whatthewhythehow
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you went out of line contacting the parents. However, you’re in a 3-year relationship and also an adult, no matter what the comments here say about your age.
From the sounds of it, you were more so originally texting the parents to ask if you had done something wrong to possibly apologize or resolve it, and then as the conversation went on more of the inappropriate comments were made. But I can also understand asking about the grounding, you might have plans with him, or have to reschedule something due to this so you might HAVE to know.
Also, the mum just sounds like she has a case of doing anything she can to dislike you by blaming you for yelling as that’s a decision she made, and would make sense if turns out he’s in trouble just because she might not like having you around. Some MILs are just like that.
I’m sorry you’ve had an influx of ‘YTJ’ comments, feels like a lot of these comments although extremely valid are also looking at it from one side. I’m also 18 in a 4-year relationship and when you’re with someone for that long at our age, or any age really, DOES make it our business.” -eira-
16. AITJ For Defending Myself?
“I have this one class that’s really more of a study hall and the teacher is really laid back so we never really get assignments, however, my teacher recently assigned this group assignment that no one is taking very seriously. At the same time, I’m really struggling in an AP class and I asked if I could see the other teacher for tutoring, and she offhandedly said it was ok for me to go to the AP teacher during her class period (she’s allowed me to do so several times before and this has never been an issue).
She seemed distracted and asked if I was going to spend the whole period with the other teacher, I said I wasn’t sure. She then mentioned the project for her class and I said we are working on it outside of class and that my group has no issue with it. She said ok, which I believed was permission.
The next day some of my group members are telling me that she was super mad and was wondering where I was and when I get to this teacher’s class, she has me meet her at the front of the room and say we need to talk. We’re all nosy teenagers so the class gets quiet trying to listen and the teacher starts SCREAMING at me.
She’s absolutely livid claiming that she explicitly told me I couldn’t go. I was shocked and confused so I tried to de-escalate and explain what she said and how I understood it, she responds by yelling ‘no’ and ‘stop’ several times and I simply let it go but I was annoyed. I then tried to leave the class later to pick something up from the office and she tried to continue the conversation, I said it was a bad idea because she was clearly mad but she refused to let me go unless we talked.
She accused me of leaving after she said no, and when I tried to explain that I might’ve misunderstood but I never heard her say no, she started yelling again and claimed I had completely disrespected her and that by trying to defend myself I was being rude (mind you, the entire class is hearing this), and since this was my 4th year having her, I told her I would never have left if she said no. She proceeded to respond childishly by saying (repeatedly) ‘that’s not what I said’ any time I tried to speak.
After I apologized she told me I was talking down to her by trying to defend myself and that it wasn’t my place. When I got home I found out she called my parents and told them I made her cry (she didn’t) and that I was being disrespectful as a student.
Maybe because I’m a student I feel like she was wrong, but AITJ in this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, her reaction is totally inappropriate over a misunderstanding, like as a professional at work? Maybe someone filmed it and you can show the principal because she should be reprimanded.” darian_something
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. A teacher that has cut you slack in the past, makes two very obvious references about the need to take her class work seriously, and you’re arguing with her?
You might not realize this because you’re young but she’s picked up on the fact you’ve taken advantage of her, don’t respect her, and took advantage of her leniency. The fact you start with ‘like a study hall and… laid back’ indicates how little responsibility you feel towards the work she’s assigned, and by extension, her.
Sorry man, YTJ.” B_S_C
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Screaming at a student is not an appropriate response regardless of whether she told you that you could go or not. You also had a right to defend yourself, although she clearly wasn’t interested in having an actual discussion over what happened and just wanted to berate you.” CephalopodSpy
15. AITJ For Kicking My Mom Out Of My Wedding Reception?
“My mom is a social media addict and has to post everything. My wife had one request about her wedding. Other than the bridal party, no one was to see the wedding dress. My mom kept trying to get my wife to post it for her friends on social media because she said everyone wanted her to do it.
She was mad that she didn’t even get to post pictures of my wife trying on a different wedding dress and at least allow her to post the rejects. My wife said no and my mom was mad.
Later when the moms and bridesmaids picked out their dresses my mom insisted on wearing white so my wife said screw this and put the whole wedding party in white.
Including the mothers and grandmothers.
On the day of the wedding, my mom took a candid shot of my wife getting her veil ready and posted it about 30 minutes before the wedding started. Tagging everyone in it. Including the father of the bride (my FIL). My wife wanted to surprise him just as much as me getting the first look at her dress while he walked her down the aisle.
She even had the two photographers posted so they could get shots of the first look. Obviously, this was important to my wife.
Her dad saw himself tagged in the photo so instead, he saw his daughter on social media. My wife didn’t find out until after the ceremony because of last-minute preparation.
After the ceremony, I kicked my mom out of the wedding and she wasn’t invited to the reception.
My younger sister and my dad also left, along with a few family members.
My brother and I covered for the mother of the groom dance by leading an impromptu chicken dance to lighten the mood. The DJ was super awesome and filled in the spaces with fun songs so at least the reception wasn’t a total bummer.
I really don’t even want my mom in my life now because what she did was petty and selfish. Maybe my FIL shouldn’t have had his phone on him and my wife shouldn’t have been such a stuck-up diva about her dress. I have no interest in continuing a relationship with my mom at this point.
My dad thinks I should put this behind me because it’s ‘typical women’s drama’ but I told him it wasn’t and mom’s just petty and what she does is not normal at all.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and neither was your wife. Your mother, on the other hand, is a giant one.
She tried very hard to make this all about her and succeeded to a small degree. Not one of her friends would have been disappointed to see pictures of the bride AFTER the ceremony, the fact that she insisted on breaking this boundary. Thank you for supporting your wife in this, it bodes well for your marriage.
I find it hard to believe that this was the first time your mother behaved this way. I suggest that you check out the subreddit raised by narcissists because it certainly sounds like your mom is one and your father is her enabler. Congratulations on your marriage.” unionmom4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – there are lots of people who need everything to be about them and their wants.
Growing up it’s often hard to see in the family because of how normalized such behavior is and how other members often will concede rather than escalate the conflict. However, when it is something that is definitely not about them and their actions actually impinge on the happiness of others it becomes very obvious.
I don’t know if this is the case with you but it sounds like your father is used to enabling your mother and she is used to getting to do whatever she likes.
Now she is being petty and selfish against the person you are marrying and you stood up to her. That is great. You are doing the right thing and, to be honest, you probably are better off without dealing with her going forward.” VoltesVoltron
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Congrats on your marriage, this is already off to a positive start putting your wife over your mother.
Bravo for also being the healthy one in your family despite being (likely) surrounded by her dysfunctional behavior most of your life. When you finally step up and set a firm boundary, others who have tolerated, excused and enabled this behavior will turn on you as some of your family members did at the wedding.
If you didn’t do this now, it was going to happen in the future.
Thankfully, you proved to your wife that you recognize the dysfunction and will not tolerate it. This will go a long way in your marriage despite having a mother with personality struggles. Could you have stepped in sooner? Probably. But, good for you for not waiting until more boundary violations happen, and then wounding occurs between you and your wife (hello resentment).
Best of luck. Marriage counseling may be a good idea if you do allow your mother back into your life in the future. Her issues with respect and boundaries will continue, especially if you have children. You are correct that her behavior (and her inability to acknowledge her wrongs and make amends) is not normal.” hockeymom1209
14. AITJ For Telling My Father To Sleep In His Room?
“I (15f) live with both of my parents. My chore in the house is to do dishes and clean the counters in the kitchen. My dad who stayed home from work was napping on the couch when my mom asked me to do the dishes, which I did without a complaint. I have to do the dishes by hand since our dishwasher is broken, but I always manage.
As I was putting dishes away that were drying on a towel, my dad woke up from the loud noises that I was accidentally making by putting pots and pans away. He began to yell at me for being too loud, and I told him… ‘Well, your bedroom has a bed for a reason.’ And he EXPLODED. I wasn’t expecting this reaction, but my mother told me I shouldn’t be surprised because I disrespected him.
Am I the jerk?
Edit: Someone told me that I should have explained to him that I was putting the dishes away before I made the remark. I did. I tried to tell him nicely since I know he gets angry fast but he wouldn’t listen.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I take a lot of naps on the main floor of our house because I’m lazy and don’t want to go upstairs, but it’s with the understanding that no one is expected to quiet down.
My family doesn’t need to tiptoe or talk quietly. They are at their normal volume, and if it wakes me up that’s my fault for sleeping on the couch. If I am in desperate need of sleep, I go upstairs to my bed. It’s basic common sense!” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – My dad was like this too.
He’d fall asleep in front of the TV, usually watching something boring like golf. He was a heavy sleeper so it was hit or miss what would wake him up. But if you did manage to wake him up, you were in for a rough evening. The thing is, at a certain point we kinda just stopped caring if he yelled at us.
We started doing the one thing that would wake him up faster than anything else: we’d change the TV channel. He’d wake up faster if it was cartoons because those are for ‘children’ and he wasn’t a child, so they shouldn’t be on ‘his’ TV. So then he’d change it back to golf. Then he’d fall asleep again.
And we’d change it back to something that would annoy him. The sound of his yelling would get VERY loud at this point. Mom would tell us to stop, but we just told her that his loud snoring was interrupting our TV show. We’d get chased off to go to our rooms, but we got a good laugh out of it.
If you’d done that sort of thing, you might have been a jerk. If the worst thing you did was your assigned chore with a little sass on the side, I think you’re safely outside of jerk territory. He’s dead center in jerk territory though.” sleepy_cupcake_mouse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My husband regularly falls asleep on the couch and my son has been put in this same situation.
I told my husband that if the normal sounds of doing dishes wake him he always can go to bed and shut the door. He should choose between napping on the couch or cleaning dishes. We keep it down during the day normally because he works the third shift, but asking everyone to stay silent so he can sleep in the main room of the house is unacceptable.” Fluffy-Ad-122
13. AITJ For Being Mad At My Thieving Wife?
“I (45M) have a daughter ‘Kasey’ (17F) with my wife (46F). I work full-time during the week until the evening. My wife decided that she did not want to work and stayed at home doing small jobs such as cleaning and babysitting for her sister.
My wife blows through most of the amount she makes and will try to leech off other family members.
Kasey has been talking about wanting a car as she recently got her permit. She found a car online that she wanted and I told her that I would help pay for half of the price.
She has been working at a grocery store part-time after school and on the weekend. She loves her job and wants to continue working after she graduates. My wife thinks she should spend her high school years having fun with her friends.
This incident happened over the weekend and there is still tension in the house.
Kasey comes downstairs with tears in her eyes and asks if I had taken money from her. I tell her no and we go to ask wife. Wife admits to stealing a small amount from daughter as she needed it for gas, food, and some makeup.
Kasey starts screaming at wife and calls her a thief.
My wife starts crying and apologizing. I get angry and tell her that she needs to get a job to pay Kasey back. Kasey and wife are not speaking to each other and wife is upset with me for wanting her to get a job.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife is absolutely terrible. She financially took advantage of your daughter.
It’s beyond me why she would steal off a good kid who is going to school, working at age 17, and saving up for her half of the car. Your wife absolutely needs to pay your daughter back and I agree she needs to get a job. If she has time to snoop and steal off your daughter then she has time to go to work outside of the home.
You need to take your daughter to the bank and help her set up her own bank account and she can get her work cheques deposited straight into her own account or put them in there herself and any other money she wishes to keep safe from her thief mother. I think I would also look into your own finances and examine why your wife felt the need to be a complete jerk to steal that money in the first place.
Why was your wife claiming she needed that fund for gas, food, and makeup? That should be coming out of your joint account or do you have a joint account? Is your wife overspending? Lots of questions to look into.” cattripper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your wife chose to quit her job and she chose to work small jobs for little money.
The people calling you the jerk for not giving her funds are missing the point of this post – the wife made a few unilateral decisions on her own and I’m pretty sure she IS getting money for necessary things such as food and bills and even gas. But the OP stated that she is burning through any amount she gets quickly.
OP, your daughter is now suffering due to her mother’s choices. And your wife has now gone way too far, while this type of betrayal can be fixed and forgiven? It can never be forgotten. Your wife chose greed over her own child.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife chose to stay home and not have a job.
In order to earn money to spend, you need a way to earn it. It’s one thing to be a stay-at-home mom with kids, or if you suggested she didn’t need to work because you made enough money, but it sounds like she decided she didn’t need to work anymore. Also, stealing from your daughter who earned the money from a job is unfair.
Why should your daughter work hard for her funds when your wife can just take them away? If your wife needed funds that badly she could have come to you to ask for more or have picked up an extra job.” Valuable_Ad_9778
12. AITJ Mispronouncing My Coworker's Name?
“I’m (46M), and clearly look and sound like a white male. Coworker shows up to the Zoom meeting, their name tag says ‘Jorge (Last Name).’ I’m the person kicking the meeting off, and I say, ‘Good afternoon, Jorge, thanks for joining us!’
(I pronounced it as I understand it is to be pronounced, ‘Hor-hay’, not an exaggerated pronunciation, or anything just ‘Hor-hay.’)
Guy snorts, and says, ‘my name is ‘George.’ I don’t appreciate white people trying to be ‘ethnic’ with my name.’
I’m taken aback for a second, and say, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realize, I won’t make that mistake again.’
He says, ‘Well you should be.’
I’m still in shock a bit and just move on to other acknowledge other people in the meeting and get it started.
I usually don’t let stuff like this get to me, but my immediate supervisor is on the call, and Slacked me with ‘what was that all about?’ Now I don’t know if I have an HR issue waiting for me.
Anyway AITJ for pronouncing a name the standard way it’s pronounced even though I’m not from that ethnicity?
Edit:
A couple of points: My boss was being very supportive of me; she wanted to know if Jorge and I had interacted before, and if was there any bad b***d going on between the two of us. As I mentioned in a comment below, this was the first time I had met him.
For those who have suggested I go around and ask everyone to introduce themselves; I absolutely DO that when the calls are small; this meeting had over 30 attendees online at the time, and that’s not feasible for a 30-minute briefing… for meetings like this, I just acknowledge folks as they pop onto the call and then kick it off when we have a quorum.
To the two folks that sent me DMs telling me to do better at getting non-white American names right, I DO make a concerted effort to get folks’ names right; I’m in IT, and I work with and manage a lot of folks from Southeast Asia, so running into unfamiliar names is not uncommon for me.
If there is someone who has a name I’m not familiar with and I will have to call on them, I will Google ‘how to pronounce (name)’ and then Slack them ‘Hey, I want to make sure I have this right, I believe your name is pronounced thus-and-thus, is that correct?’ I live in a largely Hispanic neighborhood of Chicago, so this wasn’t even close to the first time I’d run across the name Jorge.
And about the name tags… by this I mean the little name that shows up over your picture/video square. In the case of where we work, this name is taken from your Outlook name, and my understanding is that the option to change your name is disabled, and I know my coworkers from SE Asia want that changed because many will go by a much shorter version of their full first name.
Finally, I showed this to my wife (she’s 1st generation Afro-Cuban) and she hasn’t stopped laughing and calling me ‘name racist.’ It’s going to be a long night.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His reaction was completely unprofessional and IF there is an HR issue coming up, it should be with him, not you. Especially his ‘follow-up’ AFTER you publicly apologized to him.
And if your supervisor was indeed giving you a hard time about it with that question and not him (can be read both ways, so not sure here), they are definitely in the wrong position.” TheCrazyCatGentleman
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Generally, this is the usual pronunciation of Jorge. In the future, it might be worth possibly starting off the meetings by asking coworkers to introduce themselves briefly.
Not only does that allow familiarity and inclusiveness, but it also allows you to hear how they prefer to have their names pronounced, and it gives people a chance to inform the participants of preferred pronouns too.” majesticjewnicorn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You pronounced it the way it is usually pronounced. He has a major chip on his shoulders from years of having to correct people but that’s on him and his real beef is with his parents for spelling his name an “ethnic” way instead of just spelling it as George.
And this people is why you don’t give your kids unusual spellings that force them to constantly correct everyone. Totally gave my kid a common name (think the Mike of his generation) just to avoid what my parents did to me with my stupid name. Went off topic there… sorry.. rant over.” HarlesBronson
11. AITJ For Getting Hurt When My Mom Didn't Pay For Gas?
“I (F18) am a senior in high school and I drive.
I also have a twin sister (F18) who is a senior as well doing Postsecondary Enrollment Options at community college. At the beginning of the school year, my parents let me drive a car to school. I also drove my sibling (M17) who is in the same grade as me. I didn’t ask my sibling to pay for anything because my parents told me I should pay for it since I worked more and my sibling didn’t have their license.
I was a bit reluctant about this because I actually didn’t have school for the first hour so I was driving my sibling as a favor to my parents because they didn’t want to drive him but he didn’t want to take the bus.
I wanted to make things easier for my parents and I was really grateful they let me use a car back and forth to school.
However, this issue is that I found out my parents were paying for my sister’s gas all of the first semester recently. Even though I know my parents are in no way obligated to pay for my gas, they told my sister they would pay for hers because it was for school. I didn’t really understand how my situation was any different.
I asked them if they would start paying for my gas too since I was using gas to drive back and forth to school as well. They initially declined but recently have started to pay a bit more after I told them that this wasn’t fair.
Today I got into a rather bad fight with my mom.
I texted her this afternoon and asked if she would pay for a fill-up in the car I took to school since everyone in the family had been using it. For context, I got my tonsils removed about 2.5 weeks ago so I couldn’t even drive up until about last week when I was healed enough to stop taking pain medication.
Last night I went to a concert with both of my siblings. I had paid for the tickets months ago because my twin sister and I chose to do the concert as a fun gift to each other for our 18th birthday. My mom offered to pay for our tickets just before the concert. I asked if she was sure and she told me she wanted to.
I am incredibly grateful for this. However, today when I asked her about the gas, she told me no because she paid for my concert tickets last night. I told her that everyone in the family had used gas since I couldn’t drive on pain medication. She called me manipulative and told me I was forcing her by making her feel bad.
I am not sure why but this argument made me feel so emotional. I felt like she did something nice to just hold it over my head, and I also felt like my parents love my sister more. It feels like they’re hesitant to do things for me that they would do for her in an instant.
I know this is probably dumb, but I have been crying a lot this afternoon and feel really upset about this whole situation. My family does not have financial troubles right now so I am having a hard time figuring out why this is happening.
So, with all that being said, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. From all that’s been said and expressed, this is deeper than just about finances. It sounds like your parents are playing favorites as you are both using the cars only for school. As this is more about fairness and respect, you will need to explain and elaborate to your mother; have a heart-to-heart about the bigger picture.
Because you are currently in the midst of it all, and it’s clearly an emotional moment, take some time for yourself and perhaps try your best to look at it from all perspectives, take a step back, put your thoughts on paper, and the reasons you are feeling the way you do, that way you can convey your points to your mom.
It can help focus you, keep you calm, grounded, and at the moment.” ajkert
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for having feelings. We cannot control our feelings. What we can control, is how we act with them. Normally I would say you should check yourself, but I honestly don’t see any behavior that was out of line.
And not to make you feel worse, but I had to re-read the post because at first, I assumed the sister in question was a sister other than you and your twin. I guess because she’s in college and you are in high school? Or maybe because of how differently y’all are treated. That’s crazy.
I would feel the same way you feel, to be honest. I am not sure what is going through your mother’s head. Is your sister paying for college and dorm or apartment? Then I could understand better. But if not, and she’s living at home with y’all, then she’s foul. It’s never ok to do things like that without extenuating circumstances.
For example, one child is an active addict and needs cutting off, or is an unabashed criminal and beyond redemption. Then, ok. But I didn’t see anything like that here. You seem pretty reliable and responsible. Far more than I was at that age. I really think that, when y’all calm down, you should sit and have a serious, unemotional, adult conversation with your mother about this.
Maybe just ask her to help you understand so that you can process and move past it. Then go from there. But you aren’t wrong for having those feelings. Good luck.” KaoJin-Wo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – whatever you left in the car before your surgery is what it should have been returned to you with.
Sadly, it does look like favoritism, but in the end, you might just have to scowl and bear it. Could she have paid for the gas because your sister’s school is more distant and not as close as your school? The only other option I can think of, and it’s not nice – but tell her until she can help you like she does sis – you are not leaving early to take your brother.
Of course, that all depends on how you feel about him. There is no easy solution here, but you could ask about you each going 1/2 on the gas. prices are through the roof right now.” User
10. AITJ For Being Concerned About My Brother?
“I’ve been on a Track and Field Team for two years and have thrown the javelin for one.
My sixth grader little brother has recently joined Track and has begun throwing. I’m overjoyed that he has taken an interest in such a thing, as we don’t have much to talk about hobby-wise. There’s just one problem… he might be allowed to learn to throw the javelin early.
My team, as well as the (roughly) 20 states that allow javelin, usually limits it to high schoolers or above.
I’m overjoyed that he’s taken an interest in the javelin, I really am, but he’s not the most responsible, and the javelin is something to be taken very seriously. I told him that I was happy for him, but was worried someone might get hurt. I’m mostly worried about the size of the javelins, as he is much smaller than the people I know who throw javelins, and who have come close to injuring people once or twice in the past. He immediately gave me a dirty look and called me a jealous witch, saying I was just mad I didn’t get the extra years of training and that he could probably throw way farther than I could without any training.
My other brother heard about it and told me that I should learn to shut my mouth.
I’m worried that my little brother might be right about me being a jerk for saying such things. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Both your brothers are jerks and so is your mom if she lets him call you that and the other to boss you around like that.
NTJ.
Google says 14 out of the 20 states only allow in high school. If you are in one of the 6 states, it makes sense the officials should take size into account if the majority of states hold the line at high school.
You are right to voice concerns to parents.” Hopfullyhelpful
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but also, this isn’t something you should be taking up with your little brother.
He’s just a kid. He can’t even assess risks properly at his age. (Technically neither can you but I digress). You SHOULD have brought this up with your parents so they could steer him on the right path. If they and his coach think he is able to handle throwing the javelin, ultimately that is their decision, not yours.
I think it’s nice of you to be concerned and I don’t think you’re a jerk, but at the same time, it’s not exactly your place to tell your little brother he can’t do something. Again, you should take this up with your parents, not him.” RissaRay113
Another User Comments:
“How many brothers do you have? It sounds like two, and they both sound like jerks. I would let them do what they want and not interact. ‘Learn to shut your mouth’??? What is he a 1950s private investigator mad at a dame? Gross.
I’m gonna say NTJ based on your word because it sounds like you’re truly worried, but honestly let him learn a lesson and keep an eye out when he’s throwing to make sure no one you like is nearby I guess.” pretiburdi
9. AITJ For Asking My Significant Other To Stop Buying Me Gifts?
“I (25M) asked my significant other (33F) to stop buying me gifts. We’ve been together for almost a year and she always buys me things I don’t need or ask for. When I first started staying over she bought me a ton of clothes. I’m very peculiar with my style (not expensive but comfortable & nice) of clothes & size.
I’m a big dude and have a weirdly long torso so XL doesn’t usually fit and XXL looks like a parachute on me. I also like a few brands of undergarments for the fit & comfort they provide. She didn’t buy any of the ones I like or look decent in. I didn’t say anything at the time because I understood the gesture was there.
Then one day I told her I’d pack a bathroom bag to bring over as I have one but had no use for it other than traveling. I use a sensitive skin body wash & get dandruff if I switch products. She then bought me a bathroom of products I don’t use or agree with my skin.
For whatever reason, she bought 2 big containers of the shampoo of the said brand without asking if I liked it. I told her I didn’t like the shampoo as I was getting an embarrassing amount of dandruff. She seemed annoyed and brought up how I don’t use most of the clothes she bought me as well.
They genuinely don’t fit or have already shrunk in the dryer, and nobody wants to see a 300-pound dude in a crop top.
The final straw for me was when she bought me a tape measure for work. I already have multiple and don’t like cheap tools. She bought me an incredibly cheap brand and the quality isn’t what I like.
I also have somewhat bad vision and buy tapes with big numbers to make life easier for myself at work. I could honestly hardly read anything on this tape measure. I finally put my foot down and asked why would you buy me this? She said she just wanted to do something nice for me and thought I could use it.
I asked her to return it and she was borderline offended. Went off about how I don’t like any of her gifts and I’m superficial for only liking the best brands of everything.
That’s not necessarily the case, I know what I like and don’t really settle for something that isn’t beneficial for me.
I explained I’m a grown man and can buy myself things that I enjoy using or need. She was incredibly offended at this point. It’s not that I don’t enjoy receiving gifts, but it’s just annoying she doesn’t consider what I actually like or need. She complains often about never having money to save for a house, especially considering she’s in her early 30s and has next to no savings.
I didn’t mention this because I couldn’t imagine how she would take it. It doesn’t bother me that she has no savings, but it bothers me that she complains about never having money and doesn’t ever consider where her money goes on things I don’t like or need. It also makes me feel like a child that can’t take care of my basic necessities when she buys me things like body wash or clothes.
I feel like everyone should have a say in those things as their more personal than anything.
AITJ for asking her to stop buying me ‘gifts’?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, you two speak different love languages and different outlooks on finances. There is nothing wrong with that, not judging. This is a serious compatibility issue though.
I think you two may be better suited for other people.” flaky-burnt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s not a gift if she controls what you do with it after she gives it to you.
There’s obviously something going on in her head that isn’t wholly related to the reality of the gifts. Rather than confronting her, ask for her help to solve the problem she is creating.
For example ‘it’s nice to get a gift but I feel bad about the clothes because they don’t fit. What should I do?’ And that’s when you put on the crop top.
Find out why she is giving the gifts and suggest you two try to agree on a rule so you’ll be able to use her gifts… Such as you give her a long Amazon gift list of cheap stuff she can find around town, and she can surprise you from that list. If she can’t control or modify her behavior it may be that she has an underlying problem.
If there’s a behavior issue and you and SO can’t agree on a rule to make things smooth, ask for permission to bring in a third party, like a friend or sibling, for advice or to mediate. Make sure to put on the crop top to illustrate so it’s not you being petty, and get all the useless ‘gifts’ in a big pile to show that the problem is a bit out of control.
Most bad problems melt when exposed to daylight and discussed in the open with others.” RecursiveCluster
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Gift-giving is a skill that she appears never to have developed, even though she’s very enthusiastic about it. It’s like a terrible singer who makes up in volume what she lacks in the ear.
But it sounds like you kept quiet until breaking with absolutely no tact. It would have been very different if you had spoken up earlier when you were still capable of expressing appreciation for the thought.” Amour_fati
Another User Comments:
“NTJ (soft jerk move on your SO’s side) seems like there is a better way to communicate between the two of you.
You could have told her early on that you didn’t like a gift for whatever reason and suggested a return. She should pick up on the fact that your love language clearly isn’t receiving (unwanted) gifts. Maybe explain to her a better way for her to show she cares that you would value more than the gifts.
It’s possible that she is the type of person that loves getting gifts and assumes everyone thinks that way.” NefariousnessGlum424
8. AITJ For Yelling At My Dad When He Commented On The Way I Eat?
“I am 15F and my dad is 45. He thinks that he can control whether I’m hungry or not.
I’m skinny but I’m hungry at least once an hour. I don’t want to gain weight though so I do a lot to make myself not hungry. If I eat a snack at 4:30 he tells me that I’m going to spoil my appetite. If I do eat, I’m always starving again by the time we have dinner.
I’ve never once spoiled my appetite for dinner. I’m almost 16, he can’t gauge my hunger.
When I’m eating dinner that has sides, I eat all one food at a time before eating all of the next food. I hate when my food touches. This really bothers my dad and he thinks that I’m not going to finish every food even though I always do.
When we went out to dinner for my dad’s birthday a couple of weeks ago, he loudly exclaimed to the waiter that I eat more than he (my dad) does. I was very embarrassed.
The final straw was 2 days ago. We were eating pasta with chicken and I ate all of the pasta first. He looked at my plate and said, ‘are you not going to eat the chicken?’ I told him that the chicken was my favorite and I wanted to save it for last. He said, ‘what if you get full from the pasta and aren’t hungry enough for the chicken?’ I yelled, ‘THAT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
I’M STILL SO HUNGRY, YOU HAVE NO IDEA!’ He replied, ‘don’t yell at your daddy!’ And I told him to not call himself daddy. Sure enough, I ate everything on my plate.
I know I was being a rude brat when I yelled at him, but he’s been making stupid comments about how I eat for years.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You shouldn’t be that hungry all the time – you are a teenager, and you are supposed to eat more than an adult (yes, even if you’re not growing. I ate much more as a teenager even though I’m the same height/weight now. If you aren’t sure, talk to your doctor about your diet.
No, I’m not a doctor. Neither is your father.)
It sounds like you have an unhealthy relationship with food. You are hurting yourself by not giving your body what it needs. In this case, I think ‘hating your father’ is just self-preservation; it sounds like he’s stopping you from taking care of yourself.
Please talk to a school counselor or someone about not wanting to eat in front of your father.
Taking care of yourself is so important.” FastBenefit7841
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You are allowed to stand up for yourself and eat food in the order you choose. I also like to save the best for last. Dad should not comment on your eating habits as long as you are eating a nice healthy balance of things and only eating when you’re hungry and not when you’re bored. I’ve known lots of thin people who eat like you, high metabolisms.” Sweetsmyle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Unfortunately, parents don’t often realize that the little comments they make can really get stuck in their kid’s heads. Especially when it comes to eating.
When I was 21, I only weighed about 116 lbs. For context, I am 5’8″ tall, so I was very underweight. Yet I ate more than people who were three times bigger than me.
I could sit and eat three full plates of food morning, noon, and night. In between, I was constantly snacking! I was hungry all the time.
Everyone felt the need to comment about it. I mean everyone. All the comments ended up getting in my head and I developed an eating disorder. No one was purposely trying to hurt me, mostly they were joking, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
I understand how you feel.
I would say, wait until you and he are calm and asks him if you can talk to him. Tell him you would appreciate it if he could listen to you speak before he speaks. Tell him how his comments make you feel. I suggest writing down what you want to say because then it’s easier to stay on track and you won’t lose your train of thought.
Try not to sound like you’re accusing him of anything. Just focus on telling him how much it bothers you, and that you feel like you don’t even have control over what you eat, and it’s important for you to have control over that. Ask him if the two of you can come to an understanding about this because you love him and don’t want to argue with him or be upset.
What does your mom say about any of this?” User
7. WIBTJ If I Tell My Fiancé That I Want To Leave?
“I (24f) recently visited Washington. Bremerton area. And I fell in love with it.
The beauty, the sleepy town feel. The gloomy weather. The crisp air. Everything.
I told our hosts (friends of my fiancee) that I would move here. And they lit up. (Me and the wife get along great) so my fiance said he would too. I started talking to more locals and the more I spoke to them, the more reasons they gave me to wanna move there.
Well, talking to my fiance, he said yeah he would move there. I said cool what if we save and make the change next year. He looked at me and said, ‘What no I was thinking in a few years.’
I understand where he is coming from. Leaving his brothers behind leaving everything behind.
I would be too. My family also leaving my daughter with her dad and not being there at a moment’s notice for her would be so hard for me.
But here is why I would like to move soon.
I feel like where I’m at now (Las Vegas, NV) I’m angry all the time. I feel anxious all the time.
When I was in Washington it all melted away. (Yes I have felt the way I do in Vegas in other parts of the US. While on vacay) I felt no anxiousness. No anger. No feeling like I need to hurry. No feeling of impending doom.
The school system for the kids is way higher rated than in Nevada.
The beauty is amazing. I wouldn’t mind living inland or by the water. It’s a fresh start. Nothing there to tie me to anything. No one I don’t like bumping into me.
I feel like my mental health issues were checked out when I was there. Everyone was so friendly. Unlike Vegas. A lot of mean people.
Again everyone that I spoke with (including a Vegas native) said that it was the move to make.
Again however my fiance isn’t ready. But I am. I gave myself a list to move there and plan on doing whatever it takes to get that list completed – Fix my credit and get a chef position and stay 6 months.
I think I can do it. But as soon as it’s done I’m moving. But my fiance isn’t ready nor is he ready to leave. And I do t know maybe I am the jerk but if I’m being honest with myself it’s more because my mental health is important to me cause I need to have it for my kids.
I have left my daughter’s dad at the drop of a hat and I would do it again if it meant feeling better mentally.
Edit: I’m not leaving my daughter for good. I and her dad have 50/50 custody.
Edit: Yes I’m willing to go back to court. Yes, I have discussed this with someone who has gone through this (AND HE IS THE DAD).
I have a COURT ORDERED app that makes me and her dad speak to each other so none of us can alter the messages. I have messages where I ask him to get her cause I have an emergency and he says it’s not his day so he can’t. I have messages asking him for a week-to-week schedule for school so that way it’s split evenly so we both get the same amount of time AND weekends.
He says no. But I’m the selfish one.
Yep. MY DAUGHTER COMES HOME SAYING SHE FEELS LIKE HER DAD DOESN’T WANT HER! BUT I’M SELFISH! oh, wait… I’m gonna make him travel all that way to see her? I would travel however and whenever to see her. If you’re not a parent then you don’t understand what it means to better yourself for your kids.
So please continue telling me I’m selfish. As for my fiance. Yes, I would leave. I GOT DOWN ON THAT KNEE. NOT HIM. So yes if I wanna leave I will.”
Another User Comments;
“‘I have left my daughter’s dad at the drop of a hat and I would do it again if it meant feeling better mentally.’
You are talking about abandoning one child to move away from all your worries, and if your fiancee doesn’t get on your timeline you’ll leave him too. Do you also have kids with your fiancee, is that why you’re so focused on the schools? Or you’re thinking eventually your first daughter will join you – have you considered how this might impact her and her father?
YTJ – you have so so much more planning to do (like, maybe a conversation with your kid’s dad to work out visitation???) and you haven’t given your fiancee enough time to make his own list so this move feels doable for him as well.
If you want to move to Washington and eff everyone else making demands on your time, I guess you can – but all your problems are going to follow you there, and it sounds like you might have some new ones in the making.
Edit to respond to OP: Your daughter already feels like her father doesn’t want her, but you think it’s fine to LEAVE HER with him so you can ‘better yourself?’ The only way you’re not a massive, stunningly selfish jerk is if you TAKE HER WITH YOU when/if you move, and figure out how to keep her in touch with her dad.
I am a parent, there is no way I would move away from my babies for any reason, ever – they come with me, always. You’re looking for an excuse to walk away from your responsibilities, but you CAN’T, not without major damage to your child.” FuriousKittens
Another User Comments:
“YTJ mainly because of your daughter.
You sound like my son when he was about 8. He is mixed race and his dad and I are from Hawaii so we visited there all the time, so our families and kids would know each other. One time he said he wished we lived in Hawaii. My heart stopped and I asked why, thinking he would talk about feeling more accepted and normal since so much of the population is Hapa, like him.
Nope, he just liked it because he didn’t have to go to school in Hawaii.
I laughed and explained to him that if we did indeed LIVE in Hawaii year-round, he’d have to go to school. He never mentioned it again, although he did live there for a few years as an adult.
Every place has good and bad and uprooting a child because you felt great while on VACATION is kind of stupid. Also, you seem proud that you dumped the father of your child “at the drop of a hat”, spoiler alert, not something to be proud of, as a general rule.” Avocadosarecool2000
Another User Comments:
“You WBTJ, you already are the jerk for leaving your daughter with her father, who she says she feels like her dad doesn’t like her, because obviously having a kid in tow would disrupt your leaving on a whim plan. Also, you leave, that’s abandonment. Good luck getting her back after that.
Your edit is incoherent.
You’re annoyed that dad won’t tell you his schedule? None of your business. You do whatever on your time, he does the same on his. The only thing you need to know is pick-up and drop-off times.
Your fiance, who you proposed to (like it makes a difference) has agreed to move, but not on your time scale.
Not everyone wants to or is capable to leave their entire life behind after a week’s visit to a place. You either love him enough to wait or compromise. If not leave him like you said you would. He’d probably be better for it.
And you say 6 months to get a chef’s position and fix your credit.
You also need to find a place to live, moving costs, etc.
Your 24. Act like an adult and use common logic. The world and others don’t revolve around you and your wants.” HunterDangerous1366
6. WIBTJ If I Leave My Production Team?
“I am very passionate about theatre. I love doing productions with many local groups and schools, typically in makeup and costume.
I recently decided to help out with a production of Alice in Wonderland with a local group that I had not previously worked with.
I am to do makeup. I am in high school and am bullied often for being a lesbian. I soon found out a lot of my bullies are actors in this play.
The first thing I noticed was the lack of crew. Including me, there are four of us. The second thing I noticed is how rude everyone who isn’t part of the stage crew is to the stage crew.
When they started rehearsing, the director (who has helped none with the crew), began demanding props from us.
After the first few days, a lot of family and personal things popped up, and I could not make it for a while. I figured it wouldn’t be a problem, since we weren’t doing a dress rehearsal for a while.
The director, who we will call Debra, yelled at me when I got back. I also have overheard her call me an ‘it’ and a ‘thing’. (I am Agender.)
I have considered quitting a lot. But, it is Alice in Wonderland, and makeup is very important to the show, but I personally do not feel very wanted on set.
The actors are extremely rude to me and so is the director. So, would I be the jerk if I left them without a makeup artist?
The reason I think I might be the jerk is that they have no other makeup artists on set, and it is Alice in Wonderland, which requires a lot of makeup.”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ.
No matter how much you want to do the makeup for Alice in Wonderland, I don’t think it’s worth risking your own mental health and well-being. There’ll be other productions with better directors and cast members. If only you could report their terrible comments and horrible treatment of you and the other helpers.
If they valued you as their only makeup artist, they’d treat you better. Leave and don’t look back. You can also find out if you can get them for harassment charges if it comes to that. There must be a producer backing the performance.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ: Drop them, just leave, and don’t look back.
These people have no respect for you at all or any sense of decency and I’ll bet they will complain about everything you do (if they haven’t started already I’d be surprised) This type of thing is supposed to be a team thing, not an us/them-thing so your director is horrible at managing, calling you ‘it’ or ‘thing’ is an unacceptable behavior at all no matter what gender you identify with (but to be honest I get confused on just what to call an agender because he/she/him/her just gets you yelled at so could Debra have this problem also?
still no excuse for ‘thing’ etc).” Flinx98
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ.
They do not respect you when you should be since you are needed. I would recommend you to simply leave and have no regrets. They demean you and what you do for them. It is not correct of them as they depend on you for a major part of the play.
But they had it coming if you do end up leaving.
Do what is good for your mental health as it can be draining for you in the long game to be part of the stage crew.
If you want to do makeup Alice in Wonderland themed, do it on yourself, or people around you who respect you and your work.
(However, if they are bullies that tend to be violent, be careful about how you do it and do what is safe for you.)” Fun-Lettuce-5645
5. AITJ For Wanting To Have More Friends?
“My partner and I have been together almost four years now, and spend a lot of time with each other. The two of us don’t have a lot of friends, our core group is my male cousins and their female significant others, but my partner is close to her work friends. I have never been so good at making friends, and the only ones I have are guys.
I recently made friends with a female coworker who also works nights. She’s new to the area and also doesn’t have many friends so we got close fast. She’s met my partner and hangs out with us regularly, but my partner and I constantly fight over the friendship because my partner believes that female friends don’t actually want a friendship with me but something more, despite nothing ever happening (I make sure any friend I make, male or female, knows about, meets, and hangs out with my partner because I want any friend I make to be her friend too).
I text my coworker on a regular basis, and nothing is ever bad (my partner has access to my IG and texts and knows she is free to read them anytime she wants), but my partner draws an issue with it. The thing is, everyone (her family and friends) knows my partner is notoriously bad at communicating.
She will not reply to texts or calls for hours, even if she’s on her phone. But she gets angry that I’ll text my coworker even if she isn’t replying. She interacts with more people than I do on a daily basis, going out with her coworkers to bars consistently. I don’t have that kind of relationship with people, and often prefer to stay at home.
In the past when these issues come up, I always drop the friend rather than fight about it, but this time I haven’t. Since we’ve been together, I’ve made a handful of friends but all of the female ones I eventually cut off due to my partner drawing an issue with it.
After fighting about it constantly we compromised by my partner asking that I set boundaries with my coworker (no spontaneous hangouts, no hanging out alone inside the house, no texting around her, basically nothing I would do with any of my guy friends). I have been doing everything she asked, but we still end up fighting over it.
I do like my friend, we’ve gotten close in the short time I’ve known her, but I feel if my partner is having this big of an issue that it might be for the best that we aren’t friends anymore. I would rather that not happen, but I do respect my partner’s feelings and her happiness should be number 1.
But I won’t lie and say I’m not frustrated. She insists that she trusts me and I have never given her a reason not to, but I try to explain that for me it feels like she doesn’t because she wouldn’t raise an issue every single time I make a female friend, and ask me things like “why do you need to have female friends?” If she did trust me.
So please someone help me out, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her insecurities are her problem and she needs to learn how to deal with them. You’re allowed female friends just like she’s allowed to have guy friends. You absolutely should be frustrated with things because despite what she says, no she doesn’t trust you.
I’m not saying she believes you’re collecting female friends to have an affair with but she absolutely doesn’t trust you to have reasonable boundaries and shut down any inappropriate behavior. You know common sense stuff.” PommeDeSang
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Her demands are insane. The compromises you’ve made are already going too far.
The fact that you’ve cut off friends before just to appease her is concerning. Her happiness shouldn’t be your only priority. Your happiness matters too. You’ve not been inappropriate in this friendship at all, the problem is your partner is trying to control who you can be friends with. If she doesn’t want to put in the serious effort and work to grow herself and change, then I don’t know if a relationship with her can last. Certainly not a happy one, at least.” CrimsonKnight_004
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think that a lot of girls tend to get upset about their partners actively trying to become friends with more girls which is reasonable because it can be a little suspicious but in your case, you just became friends with a coworker who happened to be a girl. It would be fair for the partner to be upset if you were becoming incredibly close to the coworker but you should be allowed to maintain a healthy friendship with them.” Psychological-Cup228
4. AITJ For Asking My Husband Not To Use His Phone When We're Bonding?
“My husband (41) is an extrovert, has many friends, and is constantly meeting new people and chatting with someone. I (F, 32) am an introvert and have anxiety, depression, ADHD, and rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD).
We’ve been married for a year and have been living together for a year and a half. The only friends I have are friends in common with my husband, I don’t have friends of my own and I don’t usually talk to people on a daily basis. My husband’s the one who works and goes out, and I’m always at home, except for the weekends when we go out together.
My husband’s always using his phone. He has told me that he needs to have his phone in his hands all the time, that sometimes he just grabs it and opens Twitter mechanically. We live in the USA but we’re from Mexico, so we’re far away from friends and family and he says his phone helps him keep in touch with them.
I come from a family of introverts, we don’t talk much. I’ve told my husband that when we’re out for dinner or at a coffee shop I’d like him to talk to me and look at me and keep his phone away, and sometimes he does. We’ve had many discussions about it and he has told me many reasons why he does it: he never knows when his family is gonna text him, or a friend, and I told him that WhatsApp I can understand, but not Twitter or forums.
He’s told me that he likes to keep track of the news and what’s happening in the communities we’re a part of, and he likes to know what random, anonymous people are saying about movies or comics, and I’ve asked him why he needs to check the news exactly when we’re having coffee together, and he says he just wants to know when something happens.
He once told me that he likes to check Twitter because his brother is there and he keeps in touch with him there, but I argued that Twitter is a public platform where you post other stuff, that if he wants to talk to his brother he has WhatsApp and calls.
I always feel left out, like he’s doing something alone and I’m not a part of it, but he’s told me that he knows I need a lot of attention and that he’s always making sure I’m OK, which is true, sometimes he randomly tells me he loves me or asks me if I’m happy or how I am, but most of the time when he says something to me he’s got his phone in his hands.
He has told me that he can pay attention to his phone and other things at the same time, and I understand the need to fidget because I have ADHD, but I’m not sure about scrolling through Twitter while talking to me. I’m on antidepressants but I’m currently out of them and when I don’t take them I’m especially sensitive and my mental health is a mess.
Maybe it’s my depression or my RSD that makes me feel left out because now every time he’s using his phone I feel uneasy. Am I overreacting? Is this a problem about myself that I need to address? I always feel sad when I see a couple at a restaurant and each one of them is using their phone instead of talking, but maybe that’s what people do nowadays and I’m just too needy?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Partners should take turns carrying the conversation. You clarified in your comments that he’s the one who carries the conversation in your relationship and that his deep dives into Twitter often result in conversations about gossip. Your request that he put away the phone and devote his attention to you is valid, but if all the pressure is on him to carry the conversation, what happens when he’s out of things to say?
I always feel left out, like he’s doing something alone and I’m not a part of it
With tact and respect… you should not be the sole object of focus in his life and he should not be the sole object in yours. Speaking as an introvert, I urge you to widen your social circle.
It will give you more to talk about when you spend time with your husband and it will give him time to load up on things to talk about with you. If he’s always onstage and has to perform for you all the time, he’s going to run out of material. Give both of you some space.” PaulSharke
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s extremely disrespectful when you are giving someone your full attention but that person won’t commit their full attention to you. It’s different than if he was using a fidget toy for ADHD – a phone is designed to distract and provide competing stimuli. It’s generally understood that if someone is messing with their phone, you don’t have their full attention.
If this was truly an ADHD issue, he would be fine with a fidget spinner, a fidget cube, or a child’s snake link toy, as a way to give his hands something to do. The fact that he is so resistant to putting the phone down and giving you his full attention makes me suspect this isn’t just about ADHD.” bronzehibiscus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It is certainly a problem you need to address. Maybe couple’s therapy is a better solution through professional help that he might agree to as sometimes just Reddit opinions aren’t enough to sway someone out of hard ingrained habit.
My best solution would be if you can convince him to block out some time without phone use.
You don’t even have to start strongly, it could be once a week and/or once a month at first to keep it rather easy for him. As long as he has decent advance notice, he should be capable of planning any phone use around that. Just start small with what he can agree with.
Something like a group improvement activity, especially a physical thing that phones aren’t really applicable to might be a good solution. Group meditation, stretching, cooking a meal together, digging a garden, some type of sport… really anything you can think of that will keep his hands and mind busy enough to not use the phone.
If he’s unwilling to set aside time to not use the phone, you could also go with the tried and true if you can’t beat them, join them. Grab a phone, find some news or groups you like, and do your best to find some news that you can share together. Ask what’s going on with his family or maybe even try and join in on the conversation if that’s something you’d enjoy.
I know how you feel though, a former partner of mine was rather attached to her parents the entire time we were together. I’d invite her on a road trip to go somewhere nice, and during a 4-hour drive, she’d spend 2 hours talking to her family on the phone while I’m the one driving. Meanwhile, she’s asking that I turn off my music because she’s having a family conversation and family is important, but it’s just me hearing her talk to her family and not being involved in the conversation.
Meanwhile, a 15-minute call to any of my relatives is something I’d look back on and think wow what a long conversation.
For you at least, please try to make your own friend group or just some extra hobbies that you find interesting for you. There’s simply a lot of difference in your two lifestyles as is, if you’re not working and don’t have any obligations outside of your husband your needs will be a lot more as you get all your social interaction through him.” Panthereal
3. AITJ For Paying My Debt With Quarters?
“Over the weekend, I was short on budget for food a few times, so my friend spotted me. The running total right now is $6.50. Not too bad, but we’re all really low on funds so I appreciated it.
Then my friend started pestering me to pay him back now saying that he’s known friendships break over this type of money lending business, and didn’t want this ask and not receive funny business to last for a while into the future.
I thought it was reasonable, but texting me not to forget the money as a reminder over and over felt overbearing and unnecessary.
Now, I had a large pile of change in a jar and managed to scrape up 26 quarters. I thought this was a good idea because I wanted to get rid of them, and I thought I would get a good laugh.
So I brought it to him the next day and said I had the amount I owed him, and proceeded to hand him a full handful of my coins, counting off each set of four quarters at a time. After giving him four dollars worth he said, ‘I ain’t doing this, what am I gonna do with this many quarters, you jerk?’ Not expecting this response, I said I would pay him back in bills but round down to six dollars if didn’t want my quarters.
Which was met with, ‘I know you think you’re so funny, but just give me the straight amount.’
At this point, I was really annoyed because I thought that this would be a playful prank and it escalated into something that was really just not worth it. I then asked people hanging around us if they’d wanted to be paid in quarters and everyone was like ‘yeah totally haha’ and chuckled.
Taking into account that my friend is a bit more on the sensitive side, am I being the jerk for holding it over him?
If not, I’m really debating trying to pay him 650 pennies the next time I see him.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You and your friend are both tight on finances, and he kindly covers you when you’re out.
Then, instead of getting the coins changed to bills at a machine or a bank, you decide to be a jerk by giving him the coins. You are not playing a prank, as you claim, because you clearly did this out of spite from feeling frustrated about his reminders. Pay him back in bills right now, and apologize for being a jerk.” sallysailing
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and I am pretty sure you will have to face the consequences of that.
Your friend lent you money when you were in need. As soon as you returned, you should have arranged to pay him back and maybe with an additional something (rounding up, a pack of sweets or bar of chocolate, etc).
If you only had quarters, you should have asked him if they were ok and if not arranged for them to be noted. You would have been seen as someone not only trustworthy but also someone who others would happily lend money to.
Now though you just look like a bit of a jerk, People may laugh but honestly who is going to lend you money now?
Definitely not your friend and not anyone who witnessed/heard about your behavior.” TheVoiceofOlaf
Another User Comments:
“I’m 50/50 on this one. On the one hand, they spotted you when they didn’t have to. And they might be pestering you for it back because you either don’t pay people back, their other friends don’t pay them back, or they’re in a tight spot.
If you didn’t have anything but quarters then it’s trashy of them to complain, you’re paying back with what you have. On the other hand, if they were getting irritated I would have just said like ‘sorry it was supposed to be a joke. Wanna take the 50¢ now and I’ll come back with bills later?’ Or something
Meanwhile, y’all, get PayPal or Venmo or whatever. Y’all killin me.” pretiburdi
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You because you treated your debt as a joke. Your friend because money is money – it spends the same unless you’re buying online or in a different place. Everyone saying ‘qUaRtErS mAkE lIfE dIfFiCuLt’ YTJ as well.” joshwad420
2. AITJ For Still Playing While Talking To My Significant Other?
“My significant other (f34) is away on a work trip for 3 days. I (m28) have been at home all day. We’d been texting for the past 2 days and had a call last night which was the usual. ‘How’s the work trip going, how was the drive there?’ No issues.
Today I was in the middle of playing an online game, approx.
45 minutes into a ‘raid’ when the phone rings. It’s my SO. I pick it up and say ‘hey, how’s it going?’ ‘Miss you’ etc.
She can hear me clicking whilst I’m speaking to her. She got pretty annoyed that I was talking to her at the same time as playing a game, which I can completely understand her annoyance.
I tried apologizing and explaining to her that there were 2 more people involved in this game and if I stopped playing, I could screw them over pretty bad and have wasted a lot of their time. I had suggested that I would be done in 15 mins to which she got annoyed even further. I thought this was pretty reasonable to offer but she saw it as ‘your game is more important than me.’ I tried to explain to her that it was not but instead for her to try to understand that I had 2 other people who I couldn’t just ignore all of a sudden and let down.
I tried to juggle the two, stay on the phone and chat and finish the game so that I could speak to my SO properly.
My SO got mad and hung up.
After I finished the game, I called her back and started asking her questions about her day, small talk. This was my olive branch to start the conversation fresh and end the night on a good note.
My SO asked me if I remembered what she had for dinner and when I couldn’t recall, she became aggressive in her tone and said that she knew I wasn’t listening to her. Again I tried to explain that I remembered lots of other things she said in the previous phone call, but telling her everything I could remember proved futile.
I can understand how she felt and I apologized for it. I tried to make amends by speaking to her after and telling her I acknowledge her feelings and showing that I am trying to correct the wrongs by making time for her.
She would not reason with me and refused to understand how it was on my side of things and why I couldn’t give her my full attention.
Was it really unreasonable of me to suggest waiting 15 minutes to free myself up? What if I had been in the shower? Or in another call? Would those things be more important? She claimed that if she told her friends what had happened they would all side with her, to which I replied, ‘none of your friends are computer nerds who play video games with other people so they wouldn’t understand’.
She was really annoying me and I could feel myself getting frustrated, then I said ‘you’re the only person in the world who can’t be reasonable and not get angry at this situation.’ To which she said ‘I’m going to bed’, I replied goodnight and hung up.
So AITJ for not leaving the game and speaking to her straight away?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – nobody is absolutely ‘right’ here, this is a relationship issue that you’ll have to come together to work out a compromise, or not. You’re right that it’s not unreasonable to say to your SO, ‘Hey, I wasn’t expecting you to call, give me 15 minutes and I’ll call you back.’ It’s also not unreasonable of her to say that gaming isn’t important to her, and she doesn’t support you prioritizing gaming over her – there are many people who just see games as games, and don’t understand the social aspect of Massively Multiplayer Online games.
Neither of you is a jerk, you just have different expectations” RainbowCrane
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Sometimes, there’s going to be something more important than your partner. This is just the way things are.
Attempting to prioritize your partner over everything 100% no matter what is not just a bad idea, it’s also impossible.
Unless this was a predetermined time you’d agreed on for the call in advance, you couldn’t know when she was going to call you.
Should you not do anything all day (or nothing that isn’t immediately interruptable) so that you can always be free for her call? No!
She needs to learn that yes, sometimes she will be second to things. It will simply have to be fine. She can’t control everything you do 24/7.” Zeditha
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m probably going to be biased because I also play video games and absolutely loathe talking on the phone, but I think she’s being ridiculous. She called at an unscheduled time for chitchat while you were in the middle of something. It doesn’t mean she’s not important, it means you were just frickin’ busy because you have a life and hobbies outside of hearing about mundane stuff like what she ate for dinner.
You were trying to multitask, you gave her a timeframe on when you would be free, and you tried to be understanding and comfort her. You said she’s only gone for three days and y’all have been texting and whatever throughout the time. You did everything short of just dropping everything to act like she’s the only person to exist. It’s healthy and reasonable to not be up to each other’s a***s.
If she wants to sulk about it that’s her problem.” ConferenceDecent4222
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Why did you answer the phone if you weren’t really free to talk? You could have called her back in 15 minutes when you were actually free to talk. You say you completely understand her annoyance, so you do recognize that trying to talk with someone who isn’t focused on the conversation isn’t great.
I don’t blame her for being upset that you chose to answer the phone but then half listened and weren’t engaged in the conversation, but hearing that you were busy she could have just said for you to call back when you had time.” noisykittens
1. AITJ For Asking My Husband To Lend His "Man Cave" As A Guest Room?
“My sister has a lot of health issues and is on disability and recently my BIL had a heart attack making neither of them in a state to take care of my niece (10F).
They asked us to take her for 3 months while they recovered and we agreed, however, the problem is our house is 3 bedroom 2 bathroom.
We have 2 children (15F, and 12M) and they each have a room, and my husband and I have the master bedroom. Our bathroom is attached to our master suite and my children share a bathroom.
We have a basement too that has a 1 bedroom and a small entertainment area. My husband uses it as his man cave mostly and no one really goes down there.
My husband wants our daughter to share her room but she doesn’t want to and I think a 15-year-old and 10-year-old won’t get along.
So then he wanted to put up curtains in the living room for her but then no one can hang around in the living room and it will be hard to have guests. Not to mention it isn’t as comfortable as having an actual room. I want to put her in our spare bedroom in the basement but my husband doesn’t want anyone in his space.
Then he argued my niece should go to my brother who definitely has more room but they live out of state.
I told him it would just be for 3 months but he is against letting her stay there because it’s his space. We argued about this for days before my niece arrived and against my husband’s wishes and I showed her to the basement room in his man cave.
Of course, the bedroom still has a door so he can play video games and pool down there but he can’t do it after 9 pm now since my niece will hear him and she needs to sleep.
He is furious and won’t talk to me or my niece and picks up extra work to avoid us saying ‘well I have nowhere to be in my own house’.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s funny that he’s against her being in ‘his space’ and then insists on her either staying in the daughter’s room or the living room. It seems that he’s okay with her being in other people’s space as long as it isn’t his. A man-cave isn’t essential like an office is so her staying in the man-cave is the most practical option.
It’s understandable to not want people in your space but considering everything that the niece is going through, she should be allowed to have private space and he should care more about doing what would make her comfortable in a time where both of her parents are having health issues.” Psychological-Cup228
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I don’t understand the NTJ at all.
I’ll gladly take the hate for my opinion. House guest’s family or not, it still has to be agreed on by the people living there. If he doesn’t want her to stay there for any reason then she shouldn’t. A house guest is a two yes one no rule kind of thing.
I don’t even care about the whole ‘man cave’ aspect of it. The fact is he was fine with it under certain circumstances. Those wouldn’t work for the wife so he didn’t want her there so she moved her in any way. I’d be pretty mad in his shoes too.” ThisisstupidAFpeople
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ, however, it’s not for the reason everyone else is saying. Everyone is claiming he’s being childish and ‘like Dudley from HP’ and that he doesn’t deserve a ‘man cave’ or a private space. A lot of people are saying he doesn’t care about spending time with family and it’s stupid.
How many people have stopped to consider maybe he’s the reason they have a house to live in? Most people also get off work late, between 4 to 6 in the evening or even later.
If he gets off even later, he barely gets to have time to himself. He’s right, that is his space and he does deserve it because he’s more than likely the one paying the bills.
Everyone is hating on him and being general jerks because he had a reasonable response to having the one place he’s likely able to relax encroached upon. Imagine if it was a different situation. ‘I made my husband give up his relaxation space because my addict brother needs a place to stay.’ He wouldn’t be so jerky then, would he?
You’re NTJ, but neither is he, it’s just an unfortunate situation all around. Especially for the little girl. (Although you could have asked him instead of making him.)” kawaiidesuanimewaifu
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your husband is clearly a whiny baby about giving up his space. The problem is, he provided 3 reasonable alternatives that you shot down because they would be inconvenient for someone that isn’t him.
Can’t share a room with the daughter. Can’t stay in the living room because that would interfere with having guests? No, can’t give that up for 3 months, but let’s FORCE the decision on the husband.
The odd thing is that the best option is being completely disregarded. If your brother can take her and has more room, then why doesn’t he?
Who cares if it’s out of state, because, as you said, it’s ‘only for 3 months’, and most of that time would fall over the summer anyway, so not too many concerns about missing school.
The fact is, you’re not set up to accept guests in this way. You can make it work, but only at the forced expense of other people who should get to have a say in the matter.” Restil
For thosevsaying just let her go to the brothers, I have a question. Are these relatives she sees regularly or are is it some one she barely knows. Sending a 10yr old to live out of state with people she doesn't know or isn't comfortable with is a s****y move if ant other choices are available. As a parent, I wouldn't allow my child to go that far. I would rather keep them home even at the detriment of myself.
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