People Crave Our Opinions On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Story
14. AITJ For Kicking Out My Sister And Her Kids Over A Cat?
“My (26F) sister “Laila” (32F) recently lost her job, so she can’t afford her apartment anymore. She’s a single mother of two twin boys (8M).
I live alone with my cat, but I have a pretty good job that makes it so I can afford a nice 4-bedroom house. Since I have room, I decided to let Laila and the boys move in until she can find another apartment/job.
I only have a few rules for them, mostly basic stuff like if you break something pay me back, keep things clean, stuff like that. Except there’s one rule that they seem to be having trouble with. I told Laila that no matter the circumstances, do not ever let my cat into the yard.
My cat is VERY prone to eating stuff he isn’t supposed to, and that includes the flowers in my garden.
One time I accidentally let him out, and he chewed through some of them completely, so then I decided to just put him in my room whenever I go to the yard.
A few weeks ago, when I was at work, Laila told me the boys had accidentally let him into the yard. Thankfully he didn’t get out or anything, but he destroyed some of my roses again.
I told Laila to put him in my room next time the boys went out to the yard, and she told me she would.
Lo and behold, a week or so later, he gets into the yard again. My yard is pretty big, so I was pretty worried when I couldn’t find him. Thankfully after a few minutes of panic, I found him hiding behind a large bush, so he was fine.
Scared me to death though, so I told Laila if it happened again they could find another place to live.
She got pretty mad at me and told me it was an “accident,” so I should “just chill out.” I don’t think it’s that hard to put a cat in a room while you’re in the yard, I do it all the time.
I thought Laila had gotten the picture after that because she listened to me and started shutting him in my room. But around two days ago, he got out again. This time he actually did escape and I had to track him down after he jumped the fence and took off. When I got home Laila just said she was “so sorry” and that she just “forgot” to put him in my room.
I was furious at this point, I mean, how hard is it to put a cat in a gosh-darned room?! I told her that she better start packing her stuff because I was not going to let her keep putting my cat’s health in danger because she just couldn’t bring herself to lock a freaking room.
My parents don’t have room for them all at their house, so Laila is staying with them while her ex-husband takes the boys. She’s livid at me for “kicking her out over nothing”, and my mom is too, but my dad thinks she deserved it. AITJ for kicking her out? She’s been calling me a monster for separating her and her kids.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Once is an accident. Anything beyond that is a habit and is completely disrespectful. YOU didn’t separate her from her boys. All she had to do was follow the rules and everything would have been fine. Frankly, it’s probably best the boys are with their dad. Does she even watch them?
Or just let them out and let them wander around on their own, possibly even out into traffic?
You were very generous in letting them move in. You had very basic rules to follow. When my cats stay with my parents, if Felix the Fearless gets out, my dad goes all out nuts trying to get him back in the house.
My mother has realized that Felix likes dirt baths (the soil where they live is very sandy and my dad is a gardener so there’s also stray potting soil around). Felix goes out the back door and works his way around the front, flopping in every sandy/soily patch he finds between the back and front of the house.
While Dad panics and forms a rescue posse, Mom stands by the front door and opens it when Felix strolls up. Felix is an escape artist, so I kind of expect this sort of thing. I know Houdini had nothing on Felix. I’ve literally watched Felix escape a locked room. That’s not the case with your cat.” Legitimate-Moose-816
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Cats can get incredibly sick and even die if they consume certain plants/flowers, and unfortunately, most common plants are toxic to cats and they are just so darned determined to eat them.
Not to mention that a house cat being outside is just dangerous for them in general, people who do not like cats have no problem killing the ones on their property, they have very minimal survival skills, they can get into fights with stray cats, if they’re too friendly someone could pick them up and you’ll never see them again, the list can go on forever.
You asked her nicely multiple times to make sure the cat didn’t go out, you had 3 house rules for her to stay there, and she broke the most important one. No one, not even family, is entitled to your home, but your cat is, because your home is also your cat’s home.” crueldoodle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Boundaries are boundaries. And disrespect is disrespect. If having a place to live was important to her, then she would have followed the simple rules. It wasn’t, so there were consequences, that were clearly laid out ahead of time, not given as a snap judgment. She made her bed, and now she will sleep in it.” adagna
13. AITJ For Refusing To Do A Client's Makeup Due To The Quality Of Their Skin?
“Hi all, I’m 34F and live in the US. I’m a professional makeup artist and I work for a small company that provides makeup to people for things like weddings, prom, photo shoots, etc. Basically I do their makeup for them.
I’ve had this job for the past 10 years.
First of all let me clarify that this has nothing to do with skin tone or race. This was over skin TEXTURE/condition.
I had a client yesterday, who I assume was 16-18, who wanted makeup done for a school dance. She made the appointment through the company I work for and I didn’t meet her or see her at all before she came in to get her makeup done.
Well, long story short, her skin was in terrible condition and I didn’t feel comfortable putting makeup on it.
She had a lot of open wounds on her face, which I assume were acne scars, some of them with literal dried b***d smeared on her face. She also had a rash(?) around her eyes and mouth, I still don’t know what it was, but it was light red patches around her eyes and mouth.
I was genuinely worried she might have a skin condition or something that’s contagious. And her face had b***d on it, which I don’t want on my tools. Yes, my company sanitizes everything, and I know if it’s done properly nothing should spread. But tbh it still weirded me out to put makeup brushes over her b***d and what I think was a rash, then later use those same brushes on other clients.
It just didn’t sit well with me.
I also don’t think makeup on her skin would be good for her in general. Foundation going into open wounds isn’t necessarily recommended and might have made her skin even worse.
I tried to be very nice to the girl and explained that due to there being open wounds on her face I couldn’t do her makeup because of the risk of infection.
I made it seem like my only concern was her own skin health since I didn’t want to seem mean and basically say, “I don’t want you spreading diseases around to my clients.”
I was very careful with my words and honestly did my absolute best to not offend her. But I still had to be firm in the fact that I wasn’t comfortable doing her makeup.
The company offered her a full refund, and even offered to waive the cancellation cost, but she insisted she “needed” her makeup done. My manager ended up sort of siding with me and not forcing me to do it, but talked to her and asked if she’d be okay with just eyeshadow and not a full face.
(Which I still didn’t really want to do but if she agreed to that I would have.)
She kept insisting on a full face and made a big scene, ended up calling me a “witch” and a “Karen,” then eventually stormed out.
Should I have just done her makeup and not said anything? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
While I don’t like how you assumed she must have an infection or disease, you still shouldn’t have to work under those conditions. Any other place, that would be considered a violation of b***d pathogens/biohazard training. Doesn’t matter that the tools are sanitized later, it is irresponsible to be in close contact and working on someone with open wounds and sores, unless you’re a doctor and that’s your literal job.
I get why she wanted the makeup. She likely felt ashamed of her face, of the scars, pimples, and picking she had clearly done, and this absolutely may have hurt her feelings and mortified her. But sometimes there’s no way to word something where that won’t happen.
And you’re right. Makeup can absolutely make those things a lot worse.
Covering them traps oils, and drainage can’t happen. I’m sure that’s preaching to the choir for you but it’s still the truth. What she needed was a gentle face cleanup, not to pack down chemicals, powders, and viscous liquids to hide it.
Idk, I have sympathy for her, though not her behavior. But you’re still well within your right to be uncomfortable and not want to do the job.” Hiqueerbert
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to have to disagree with folks and say YTJ.
It would be one thing if you had these kinds of health standards set down, after research into medical science, and knew it was for her safety.
But that’s not the case. You were grossed out by this girl’s skin condition and didn’t want to do it BECAUSE YOU WERE GROSSED OUT.
“Might have something contagious” – that’s true for everyone who breathes on you. Do you have some kind of medical background where you had a reason to suspect this?
The only thing definite here is that you were grossed out by her. Everything else was entirely speculative – “maybe,” “might have,” etc.
Her skin condition is not appealing to look at.
Why do you think she wanted a professional makeup job for a school dance? She’s already keenly aware of it and is already dealing with crushing, low self-esteem because of it.
And you just made her feel like an ugly freak. She clearly saw through your flimsy excuses. Your excuses MAY even be true, but you don’t know that, and that’s not why you rejected her as a customer.” LeviathanLorb44
Another User Comments:
“I teach cosmetology and esthetics and one of the first things you learn in school is that open or suspicious wounds/lesions are 100% contraindications.
It differs from every state, but in line, State Board is extremely tough. If they got a whiff that a cosmetologist/esthetician/etc. still provided the service, because god forbid something happened, that person would be looking at a huge fine at the minimum.
But putting that aside, you have to remember clients are a walking billboard, for good and bad. People who demand service are also the same people who will run your name and the company’s name through the fire for any reason. She would’ve been livid that her face looks super textured with the foundation or that her eyeshadow is flaking off.
Also, her classmates know what her face looks like on a day-to-day basis. If she felt comfortable going to an appointment looking like that, she probably went to school looking like that. There’s not enough sanitation in the world that would let me be comfortable booking with a company that knowingly and irresponsibly worked on clients with conditions like that.
I would be so grossed out.
Our job as service providers in this industry is to do what’s best for our clients, even if that means not working on them.
Forgot to add, NTJ.” Nina_120
12. AITJ For Refusing To Switch Rooms To Accomodate A Roommate's Disability?
“So I live in your standard crap student house with a terrible layout – it’s a 5 bedroom house with my 3 roommates upstairs and 2 bedrooms downstairs, one being fairly big and one about half the size. The big one is mine, it’s a reconverted living room and it’s right at the front of the house (so I get first dibs on being broken into I guess) and it’s loud as heck because it’s next to the road – when my roommates and I moved in, they didn’t want to live on the bottom floor and I wasn’t bothered so it worked out!
The 5th little bedroom has been empty thus far, it’s in our contract as a storage room but our landlord offered us reduced rent if we were to have an extra tenant (housing in our area is very scarce) and we, being broke students, were like ‘Yeah, sure, whatever.’
So someone came and looked at the house, the room, and is going to be signing for it – we didn’t meet them, but they’re planning to move soon-ish as far as I know.
The problem is the landlord contacted us today to ask if any of us would be okay to switch rooms because the new person is disabled and can’t have such a small room. We haven’t been given any other details apart from physically disabled, so my roommates upstairs all went ‘Well, they might not be able to get up the stairs, so you should be the one to move rooms.’
The issue is, I really do not want to move rooms. The spare room is crap (which is why it was deemed the spare room) – I love my room, I’ve signed onto this house for another year and I signed based on my nice room and being in my nice room. I have a big reptile tank, a dressing table, and crap – I’ve done my best to make a terrible student room into a place that I actually like spending time in, and I’m not prepared to give it up.
We haven’t got back to the landlord with a decision yet, but my roommates are saying that if it were them that needed to give up their room, of course they would (okay but that’s very easy to say isn’t it??) and that I’m being a jerk for not doing it.
I really feel for this new person, especially if they’re physically disabled and need the extra space, and especially since housing is so difficult to get right now – but I don’t want to lose my nice room.
AITJ? Should I just******* up for the next year and a bit and switch rooms?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s really easy for your roommates to make that kind of statement when they have no actual skin in the game. It’s not them who are gonna be losing their room.
You signed up for the room you have and I would explain to the landlord that you’re not giving up your room.
Also, I don’t understand what them being physically disabled has to do with needing a large room. Unless they have medical equipment and that kind of thing they shouldn’t need any sort of special room size. It almost sounds like the person looked at the smaller room and thought that they would prefer the bigger room and are trying to use the excuse of being physically disabled to weasel their way into your room.” Snowybird60
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I’m all for helping people out and even more so when they have a disability but not when it comes at a tremendous cost to myself. In this situation I see you giving up your large and comfortable (for you) room that you have already signed ahead for as being that tremendous cost. Giving up your room isn’t the same as giving up a bus seat or offering to carry something heavy or giving a few bucks as charity… it’s literally inconveniencing you because now you will have to choose between your pets (the reptiles and the enclosure) and storage of your belongings and actual walking space because of the tiny room.
Your life will literally downsize, and I’m going to be assuming that this is all at roughly the same cost. Unless you’re about to get a new cost of rent that is practically nothing, and you feel that you can be creative with how can utilize the space (have the landlord install some extremely heavy-duty shelves or a built-in or something) then don’t switch.
It’s not your responsibility how comfortable anyone else is or if they even find housing or not. If your roommates have anything to say then tell them to take the tiny room and you can take their wonderful upstairs rooms and all will work out.” ThatBrownGuy120
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Your landlord should have checked with you first rather than assuming one of you would move.
He probably told the new tenant that one of you would switch rooms because the new tenant clearly said he couldn’t have such a small room. The new tenant also shouldn’t have assumed anything when he doesn’t even know any of you or what your situations are, You didn’t rent to this new roommate, your landlord did.
His and the new tenant’s problem, not yours. Also, your roommates are trying to guilt you into switching and if they are that concerned they could ask the landlord if the tenant’s disability prohibits them from using the stairs; they just want the lower rent.” mamaleo29
11. AITJ For Banning My Sister From My Child's Birthday Party If She Talks About Her Daughter's Medical Condition?
“My oldest son is turning 7 in February. We’re throwing him his first big birthday party that will have both friends and family. He’s so excited for it. My sister and her husband Adam have my niece Evie who is 8. Evie is adopted. This becomes somewhat relevant due to the argument. But when she was 2 Evie was diagnosed with a string of medical conditions and health problems. Some are more serious than the rest. She’s in and out of hospital and they have been warned her life might not be long if they cannot manage all the various health problems Evie has.
It was a huge blow not just for my sister and Adam but for the whole family.
Evie’s health has become a topic that gets brought up at everything. Two family weddings were taken over when my sister brought up how sick Evie was, and alluded to the fact she did not have long left (despite her assuring the family on a number of occasions that things were not that bad).
One of those weddings was our brother’s wedding. One minute the happy couple are the center of attention and the next people are talking about how sad that he has a terminally ill niece and the focus moves onto them. She even made a big deal of talking about Evie’s health during the toast and it sounded almost like she was asking someone to start a crowdfunding thing for them to pay for treatments, without outright asking that.
My brother was furious and his wife, Mia, was upset that instead of being a happy day, most people ended up in a very somber mood at the wedding.
This has also happened at birthday parties, block parties, etc. She brought it up at a couple of baby showers we attended together and I assume some outside of that also.
It’s a lot and every time it feels everyone ends up sad, depressed, and uncomfortable. My sister and Adam have been spoken to about it before and they claim they don’t do it. Evie doesn’t always get what’s going on and sometimes she’s too poorly to care.
With my oldest son’s party coming up, I felt like this was something I needed to try to prevent.
So I asked her if she would not bring up Evie’s health at the party. She told me she’s not going to pretend everything is okay if people ask and that it’s important to make it known so people don’t try to push her too much. I told her I do not want the whole party to become about Evie being sick again.
She told me that’s unfair and I know why. So I told her they shouldn’t come to the party if they only wanted to bring up Evie’s health. My sister was furious. She accused me of not caring about Evie being sick because she’s adopted and said I would be more understanding if Evie was my bio niece.
Even asked me why I cared so little about her. She also told me I was a jerk for trying to gloss over the pain they feel and for excluding them when they live in heck every day.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This situation must be really difficult for your sister and her husband, and I’m sure it’s causing them a tremendous amount of emotional pain.
When people find themselves in a difficult situation like this, they simply don’t know how to deal with it, so they develop coping mechanisms. For your sister, talking about her daughter’s situation obviously makes it a bit easier for her to deal with it. However, just because it makes her feel better doesn’t make her entitled to talk about it in any and every situation.
Other people have their own lives with their own hardships as well as happy times, and they should be allowed to fully experience those happy times when they do come. It is not only disrespectful but actually somewhat unfair to her to insist that because she and her husband live in heck every day, everyone else should have to get a glimpse into the pain they feel every day.
That’s just not how the world works…
At the end of the day, your sister NEEDS to be in therapy. She needs professional psychological support resources. But you insisting on keeing your son’s birthday party happy does not make you a jerk at all.” ThrowAwayAway755
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It seems like your sister gets off on the attention she gets from Evie being sick.
I’m also concerned for Evie: does she not get to have one day without her own mortality and short lifespan being brought up? I understand that everyone is different, and she is only 8, but friends of mine have faced terminal diagnoses before, and most of them did not want people constantly reminding them “OMG, you’re gonna die, like, so soon, huh?” When my mom was dealing with glioblastoma, she had an in-law similar to your sister: my mom could not go to a single freaking family event without this other person standing up and making a huge deal that this was probably my mom’s last X (birthday, Christmas, April Fools, tax day, etc. Witch even made a whole Christmas card about MY MOTHER’S diagnosis.
And sent it not only to her Christmas list but found my mom’s friends/work/acquaintances. Psychotic.)
I do not think it is selfish to live while you are alive. I do not think it is selfish to celebrate YOUR child even though this other child may not have long to live (or maybe she does.
My bestie made it to 30 with a condition that should have killed her in infancy and again before she reached puberty. She got a Ph.D., traveled, and fell in love. Yes, she did pass away, but she also got to live for 30 years, and she loved her life. Her heart stopped while out with friends.
She died instantly in a very happy moment. My mom is still alive 17 years post glioblastoma diagnosis, which is super rare to survive that long. There are literally no guarantees.)
If your sister hijacks your son’s birthday, it is ultimately truly unfair to your son and also to Evie.” Repulsive-Exercise-4
Another User Comments:
“Kind of ESH… I do get your point of view, and I certainly understand your sister’s.
I think you are blowing it out of proportion (hard to believe an entire wedding was ruined). I guess I don’t understand why this can’t be resolved with a little bit of cooperation and compromise on both of your parts. It might have been better to discuss your concerns first before telling your sister what to do.
It also seems that your sister should understand and respect your feelings. I have cancer and I don’t tell people about it because it brings the room down. Your sister has to understand this. Also, the non-bio comment reflects her insecurities more than your feelings, and maybe when things calm down, check in on your sister about this.
It was unfair of her to say that though. You both should be behaving better and act a little kinder to each other.” Tacoless_meat
10. AITJ For Trying To Get My Partner To Lose Weight?
“About two years ago, my doctor had told me that I (m27 now) needed to lose some weight as I was a pre-diabetic and at high risk of developing cardiovascular disease.
Furthermore, my BMI was really high and he said I would be increasing my risk of cardiovascular disease. Then for two years, I worked out basically 5 days a week, till I got into shape.
It was during my weight loss journey that I met my partner (f26), at the gym actually, and we went out, and we quickly got into a relationship.
After we got into a relationship, however, things changed. I continued to work on myself and I got into pretty good shape. By contrast, my girl completely halted. She used to be a rock-climber and she completely stopped that. Now her physical activity has basically come to a halt.
Now in the beginning I said nothing, as you don’t have to be hyper-fit to be healthy and, in the beginning, it was fine.
But then things kept getting worse. Eventually, she goes to the doctor and he tells her that she has to do something about her weight. During this period, I pushed her to go to the gym but she just didn’t make the effort.
The problem didn’t really arise from this, however. The problem came when she asked me to help her eat healthier so she could get her weight under control.
As a result, I started making her healthy meals and I tried to make them as tasty as possible. Please note, this took up a lot of time. I tried new recipes and different things to try and make this as easy as I could for her. Before this, I would just make chicken in these batches and pop it into the air-fryer before eating (but she of course didn’t like to eat that).
Despite this and pushing her to go to the gym, she told me, the night before last night, that she wasn’t losing weight. She promised me that she hadn’t eaten anything extra and that she was going to the gym more frequently.
Then, last night, while looking for my PS5 controller I opened a side drawer in the loft only to find wrappers and new chocolates.
I took it all to her and after she confessed. She told me she had been eating sweets the entire time and would eat from outside when she was at work. At this point, I just get frustrated and exhausted by this and tell her, she needed to go to the gym.
She started crying and telling me I am fat-shaming her.
Now I know how hard losing weight can be but she isn’t even trying. She’s literally eating jars of Nutella behind my back. I tell her I can’t help her if she can’t help herself.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are investing a great deal into her success. She has an eating disorder. You’ve, patiently, been there for her.
The DOCTOR told her she had to lose weight. Self-hate is a real thing. She needs therapy to find out why she’s struggling with this.
I have been through insane trauma lately and lost all self-control with food. It’s only made me hate myself more that’s led to a loss of interest in other important things.
Lying MATTERS. She manipulated you when she accused you of that. It’s deflection away from her food sickness.
My husband went to the gym today to renew his gym membership. He knows that I’ll make excuses if he hadn’t done that. It’s a gift of love! Once I hit my groove then food automatically follows.
Denial is a slow death.” Flintejae
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but stop trying to help her, she doesn’t want help, she only wants you to think she is making an effort to be healthier when she doesn’t. And stop telling her she needs to go to the gym or eat healthily, she will take it as an insult as long she doesn’t acknowledge she has a problem – and so far only you and her doctor acknowledged it, she is still in denial.
Tell her you are not trying to fat-shame her but are extremely frustrated that she asked you to help her eat healthy. You put a lot of time and effort into helping her just to find out she doesn’t really want help. She cried wolf and that’s why you will stop putting in the effort to help her.
She can ask for your help again when she can prove to you that she made progress herself, but till then you will stop the extra effort and only concentrate on your health.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to change. You will be the bad guy who “doesn’t love her for her personality” and is fat-shaming her.
There is nothing wrong in asking for help, but if a grown adult asks you for help w/o trying to help themselves first you can be sure they are only looking for someone doing the hard work for them and that’s a huge red flag.” Every_Caterpillar945
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Firstly, please look into several things.
Why did a fit and healthy woman suddenly become sedentary? Has she had her HBA1C checked? Is she vitamin D deficient? Has her thyroid been checked? Have her periods changed? Is she depressed? Did anything happen (family, job, friends)? Has she ever had episodes like this before? These things belong at the start of any conversation.
If she is comfort and secret eating then why? And why now? Compassion and empathy first.
More simplistically, and the reason I cannot say you are a jerk here is that she came to you asking for help with her weight loss journey. You’ve put in a lot of effort learning recipes, cooking, pushing her to exercise.
Whilst you have been shouldering this extra effort she has been secretly undermining it.
I think the key here is to be honest with your partner. You are not frustrated at her for being fat or judging her for being fat. You are understandably angry that, whilst asking for your help, seeing your efforts to help her, she has been directly and deliberately undermining the process and worried that you’ve seen such a change in her.
The issue is not her weight but her behavior.” speakingtoidiots
9. AITJ For No Longer Being A Bridesmaid Due To The Bride's Request?
This woman is the ultimate bridezilla if I do say so myself!
“I’m a 36 female and was a bridesmaid to my good friend’s wedding, Anna 46. I was initially very honored until I went to the first bridesmaid’s meeting at her house on Thursday.
I realized Anna hadn’t chosen 8 of us to be her bridesmaids because of our friendships with her, but because of our skills.
For example one of her bridesmaids is a hairdresser, so she will be doing all the hairstyles of the bridesmaids, Anna, Anna’s sisters (who are not bridesmaids), and her mother.
I come from a big family so am used to cooking for large amounts of people, so I was expected to cook for 80 guests. I also make sculptures and jewelry out of wire silver clay, so was expected to make Anna’s crown and necklaces, bracelets for Anna, the bridesmaids, sisters, and mother.
I was also expected to make 20 wire sculptures for each table. (She wasn’t offering any pay for the ingredients and materials).
Anna then said that each bridesmaid needed to make a $950 donation. One of the bridesmaids (a makeup artist) said she is not going to pay, to work for free and Anna said that a bridesmaid is meant to support the bride.
Other bridesmaids spoke up, so Anna started shouting and at one point her husband-to-be, Mark stepped in. Two of the bridesmaids stormed off in the garden to smoke, but because one of them moved so fast their toddler seemed a little confused, so he ran in circles and then put his hand on my knee.
I then scooped him up in my arms and placed him on my lap. Anna then shouted, “Why are you moving when I’m talking, you stupid jerk.” I was very upset and I don’t know the other bridesmaids, they all went to University with Anna, I didn’t. I wanted to leave but I had the little boy on my lap.
Everyone was staring at me, whilst Anna kept talking and I desperately tried to hold back tears.
I haven’t told my loved ones about this because I’m just so upset and don’t want to upset them, but Anna sent an email today with her bank details for the $950 and an attachment of the contract, detailing my duties.
I emailed back saying that I can’t fulfill my duties as a bridesmaid, so will be stepping down.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
So, she was expecting the catering, cake, hair, make-up, and decor all for free. Plus 8 x $950.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she was trying to get a family member to let her use their venue location to host the wedding for free too.
I admire people who manage to pull off frugal weddings but she was fully entitled by demanding these things. Also usually if people do you favors like this at your wedding, you either pay them for their services or you count it as a wedding gift. You don’t demand additional finances.
She was a jerk, even without the insults.
You picked up a kid! She’s so self-centered and selfish she couldn’t even read the room.
Everything about this tells me she thinks she is some “queen bee” in some crappy high school drama tv show.” De-railled
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Congratulations on dodging a serious bullet there. She would have made your life miserable through the wedding.
It’s a shame to lose a friendship that way, but it is absolutely the best thing for you.
And she is about to have a very rude awakening with her expectations. She expected 1 person to do the hair for that many people and 1 to cook that much. My wife had a team of hairdressers for our wedding, like 3 or 4, to cover like 8-10 people.
And 1 of them was completely focused on my wife. Same with food for that many people, it takes a whole catering company to do that, and an appropriate kitchen. You’re not cooking that much in a house kitchen. What was she even thinking?” Peg_Leg_Vet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I assume you are stepping down from the friendship too.
There is no excuse for her incredible entitlement, her assumption that you will do everything for free plus send her $950, and her extraordinarily insulting language. And she sent you a contract?? In a contract, both sides get something out of it. It doesn’t sound as if you would get anything but mistreatment. I am glad to hear you stood up for yourself.
PS – you are not dumping the burden of unpaid labor on another bridesmaid. Bridezilla has no right to expect that kind of labor from any of you, and I expect the rest of them will turn it down too. If she wants a big fancy wedding, she can pay for it the way anybody else would.
And if she wants to have any friends by the wedding, she had better start by apologizing sincerely to every one of you.” Fast_Information_810
8. AITJ For Not Babysitting My Partner's Daughter While Her Mom Gets Cancer Treatment?
It’s hard to “do the right thing” when you feel unappreciated and bullied.
“My partner (male, mid-thirties) has a daughter G (10) with his ex-wife, T.
The ex-wife is fighting a very aggressive form of brain cancer.
Now, a bit of back-story. T and I never did get on well. I met my partner while he was in the proceedings of their divorce, and I think she’s always thought we had an affair long before then.
She hates me a lot and so does G. I’ve been called a home-wrecker and other nice things ever since I first met them.
Now, my partner is usually very quick to shut down their bullcrap, but he adores his daughter and still cares about his ex-wife (they’ve been together 15 years and have been friends since their childhood).
Ever since the diagnosis, he’s been the one driving the ex-wife to medical appointments and such, and he’s asked me the favor of looking after his daughter while he’s with T.
He knows what a huge favor it is (he’s thanked me profusely every time) and I know how much he needs my help.
Everything went to crap a few hours ago when I was asked to bring G back to her mother’s house.
T started saying I must be glad she’s dying because I can keep my man to myself, and I get to keep her daughter and pretend she’s mine. She said a lot of ugly things and my partner didn’t do anything to correct her.
I stayed really quiet, because to be frank, I was incredibly shocked. Still am, to be honest.
When we got home, I lost it with him and told him I wouldn’t keep his daughter any longer, not if he allowed T to talk to me in such a manner.
He said I’d be a huge jerk if I went through with this because T has just found she’s only got a few weeks left and not the months she’d previously thought.
Is he right? WIBTJ if I stopped babysitting his daughter?”
Another User Comments:
“You are in a tough spot here, and while I empathize with you, somewhat, YWBTJ. The daughter needs an adult who cares for her to help her deal with the impending loss of her mother. The father is trying to hold it together for his child, and his child’s mother.
He is asking you to support him so he can do that. Doing this is obviously important to him, so maybe he thought it would be important to you, also.
The mother has tumor/s, which are destroying her brain. I have seen a good friend change completely because of a brain tumor; it affected his entire personality and he became argumentative to the point of meanness with his wife and was horrid to one of his daughters.
He was not like that before the cancer.
I think, as a human being, it would not hurt you to cut the ex some slack here and take it on the chin from her. She is not going to come out of this the winner in any fashion. You, barring unforeseen events, will still be living when she is buried and her daughter is grieving her and wondering how her life all turned to crap so fast.
If you cannot deal with caring for the daughter through this, and the emotional rollercoaster she is facing after her mother’s death – which you will experience firsthand as she will be living with you and her dad full-time – rethink your life with her father, as they need something from you that you are not, apparently, wanting or able to give.
At the very least, for the sake of the love you have for her dad, even if you decide to end your relationship, be a friend and help during these circumstances. Right now, this is not about you, even though T is saying awful things about you, it is all about her dying, and being reminded every day she will not be there as her daughter grows.” Mindless-Pepper-5556
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk.
I can understand the actions and reactions of all four people. They might not be all morally right, but understandable given the tragic situation.
OP you have to make a choice here. How much do you love your partner? Because very soon G will likely be always living with you.
Babysitting would give you an opportunity to bond with her, though considering how much she hates you that won’t be easy. But you will have to go through this trouble soon if you stay together with your partner. Also, she is your partner’s child and not just T’s, and if you want to be together with him, you can’t just deny helping him with her.
That this not how a relationship works.
So do you want to go through this, making a family with your partner and G with all its difficulties? Do you love your man enough for that? Then be there and support him in this difficult time. Try to ignore as best as you can T’s insults.
Try to explain things to G so that she doesn’t think anymore that you broke up her parents’ marriage. And give your partner a pass for not defending you in front of T. She is dying soon. I think your partner just didn’t want to be cruel to her and hurt her even more. It is totally understandable that this hurts you, but also try to see it from his point of view.
If you don’t think you can live with all these difficulties and further verbal mistreatment from T and G or you think your partner is not worth it, then leave.” opelan
Morally should you just cave and keep watching the kid YES.. do you have to NO will it harm your relationship with G and T not really cos G is obviously been fed crap by mommy and cos she’s a kid she believes the lies…. However if you really love your partner and want to help HIM through this then yes watch the kid… but ONLY after you and he sit ALONE and have a come to Jesus talk about how you will NOT take crap from T or the kid anymore that if T had family then THEY can have the kid that way T won’t have to deal with you at the end of her life
7. AITJ For Kicking My Sister-In-Law Out For Having Different Views On Fostering?
“My husband (36M) and I (34F) have been foster parents for the past 6 years. We usually only had short-term placements, around 4-8 months or so.
Then 2 years ago, we had “Kayden” placed with us. He was 4 at the time. It was supposed to be another short-term placement but then things changed and it became clear he was going to be with us for a while. After a year, we were told his plan was likely changing to adoption. We decided we would if that happened. Eventually, we were told we were going to be able to.
My brother’s wife “Denise” (40F) was adopted at birth and originally, was a great resource for us. We’ve always done our research to be trauma-informed and best help any child in our care. Things were fine until we shared we were going to adopt Kayden. Denise said that we were stealing a child from his family and we should fight to keep him with his family despite no family stepping up.
Well, in the end, a relative -did- step up and applied for kinship. They received custody of Kayden and will likely adopt them. It is truly the best thing for Kayden to stay in the family, but it doesn’t mean that it isn’t extremely hard on everyone involved. We raised him for 2 years, love him, soothed every nightmare, fever, etc. We built a bond.
It was also hard to explain to him why it went from “We’re adopting you!” to “You’re going to live with (insert relative that he didn’t know well)”. Kayden was reunited with the family member in January after only a week’s notice. The family has also decided we shouldn’t see Kayden. It’s their right and we understand, but we’ve been essentially cut off from his life and we’ll never see him again.
It’s hard.
My husband and I have gone through a grieving period. We decided to take a break from fostering. We recognize this was the best thing, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Most of our family has been pretty understanding and supportive as we work through our grieving. Everyone except Denise. She keeps saying what a wonderful thing this is and we need to stop being sad, that it’s not about us.
On Saturday, she and my brother came over. We were having a decent day until I came across a picture of Kayden on my phone. I got a little teary and had to leave the room for a moment. I returned and apologized. Denise got snippy and said, “You need to cut this out. He wasn’t your child.
This is what’s best for him. If you truly loved him, you’d be over this by now”. I was still kind of upset and mixed with everything I was going through, I screamed at her that she was an insensitive little witch and she only looks through things from her perspective. I said I understand she resents her adoptive parents but that doesn’t mean we were wrong for wanting to adopt Kayden.
She tried arguing with me but I threw her out of my house. She left in a huff.
My brother has since called and said he understands that Denise is “candid” but I was wrong to scream at her and I could’ve handled it better. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – while I’m glad the perspectives are shifting from being foster parent/case management agency focused to child-focused, foster parents who care for children like you did will definitely form an attachment and mourn/grieve when they leave, regardless of the situation.
As someone who worked in CPS case management, I worked with a lot of foster parents like you, and I wish we had more.
Personally, I think cutting y’all off “cold turkey” might be harder for Kayden, and a therapist should be making that call. He’s had so much disruption in his life and even as young as he is, this is impactful, esp when he’s being placed back with someone who he doesn’t know without the one support he DID have.
They can make a decision that’s best for Kayden. I know you might not be able to control any of that, but please feel validated with any feelings that you may have about the situation.
Finally, just like with any relationship we nurture and then suddenly lose, there is a grieving period. You and your partner may need to have a discussion about future foster placements.
While your SIL was being rude and harsh, foster kids are exactly that, children the State trusts others to care for in one of the most vulnerable times of their lives. If your response is like this, you might want to consider speaking to your foster care case manager and/or a therapist to figure out the best path forward as well.
These kids can come to you with some severe trauma and may stay a while, they may come in and out, or they may only be with you for a brief time. Please love them as much as you loved Kayden, but also please take care of yourself too.” HelenasMom
Another User Comments:
“Hello from an adult adoptee who was adopted out of foster care.
First of all, NTJ.
Second, it is good that you fully recognize the importance of family preservation and support the decision to return the child to their family.
It only makes sense that you would miss a child that you took care of for a long time. Your grief and sorrow are valid.
Your SIL is deeply, deeply traumatized and that is mangling her message.
Please understand that many adult adoptees feel that a great injustice has been perpetrated against them while society demands they remain ever childlike and grateful for adoption. It is very traumatizing to see people engaging in adoption not only uncritically, but with enthusiasm. It’s like watching people get off on your trauma. It wounds us.
And the way adoption is often framed, the adopters are the more important (or most important) players. We will hear about how terrible it is when mothers change their minds and keep their babies. What an enormous loss that is for the potential adopters. But very rarely do we talk openly about the loss birth mothers AND their children deal with all of their lives.
When people are discussing foster care/adoption, they speak about the birth parents with a level of hatred and vitriol, EVEN THOUGH the vast vast vast vast vast majority of foster care cases are due to neglect and not maltreatment. The foster parents are uncritically seen as heroic saviors of horribly treated children rather than participants in a system that would rather remove children from their impoverished parents and pay “better” people to raise them than to just support birth parents.
It’s hard being a birth parent and it’s horrible being an adult adoptee who is critical of the systems of adoption on any level. We are shut down almost immediately.
So, let me say this. You chose to be a foster parent, so you chose to be in this situation. You are participating in a system that is pretty dysfunctional, so you should know that you will get pushback from people in society.
You may live with the pain of saying goodbye all your life, but you still retain agency about your life. Your SIL was a small, helpless child who had no agency whatsoever and did not create her life circumstances. Someone else forced her to be a member of that triad, and she will deal with the consequences of that decision all her life.
If I could give you any advice at all, I would tell you to not open your home up to more kids until you can, at a minimum, bear witness to the grief of adopted adults.” Decent-Effective-147
Another User Comments:
“Denise is telling you how you should grieve the loss of a child you loved. (I know he didn’t pass, but to you and your husband it’s as if he did, and it’s quite OK to grieve that you will never see that person ever again)
How dare she? No one can tell another how to grieve. She really crossed the line here and I am glad you threw her out of your house.
I would be telling my brother that she was not welcome back until Denise had apologized to me and my husband. (Candid or not!)
I hope you also might consider looking into counseling if only for a short time, to help you through this grieving process.
You also might look up online support groups.
Please also know that grief may come upon you at inopportune times, something may trigger it and it’s okay to be sad (scream, cry, etc.)
NTJ, but Denise can keep her obviously unresolved trauma far away from me.” pogeauxpossum
6. AITJ For Not Attending My Stepdaughter's Wedding?
“I (50f) have 2 step-children, Sarah (23f) and Mike (28m). I have been in their lives since Sarah was 2. Sarah’s mom Kate was an addict, when Sarah was 3 she lost all her parental rights because of her addiction. Kate left after that and didn’t have any contact until Sarah was 17.
That’s when Kate reached out to us saying she was clean and wanted a relationship with the kids.
My husband Rob was against this but I wanted to give her a chance. We met with her and it turns out she had been clean for a while, going to therapy, and had a decent job.
Mike was against meeting her, and to this day insists I’m his only mom and Kate is dead to him.
Sarah was more open to Kate and resented Mike for rejecting her. I explained that Mike was older and witnessed Kate at her worst, so he has a different relationship with her. While Sarah only remembers her after getting clean.
This issue still caused a lot of resentment between them and me. Kate blamed me for Mike being hostile and resented me.
It didn’t help that Sarah started rejecting me for Kate. She stopped spending time with me no matter what I did and stopped calling me mom, I told her how hurt I was. How she didn’t have to choose, she could have us both. I never had an issue with Sarah and Kate, I only had an issue with being rejected.
Sarah told me that while she appreciated me at the end of the day Kate was her’s and Mike’s real mom. This crushed me, the final straw was when she didn’t invite me to her high school graduation. I told her if she didn’t want to be my daughter then fine. From then on she would be my husband’s kid.
Mike is NC with her as well.
3 months ago she came over with her fiance (who we didn’t even know existed) to invite us to their wedding. She said she wanted me in the bridal party but I refused. I told her we hadn’t had a relationship in years because of her wishes, and it felt uncomfortable for me to take on that role when I barely knew her now.
She said she was sorry. I told her I wasn’t interested. She got angry and said I had to be there because and I quote, “What are people gonna think when both my brother and my dad’s wife aren’t there? Gramps (paternal grandfather) is gonna get angry too.”
I told her she clearly didn’t want me there and only cared about appearances and being on her gramp’s good side (he’s rich).
I am not coming nor am I having a relationship with her. She started crying and begging for forgiveness but it felt like crocodile tears to me.
After she left she kept texting me trying to get me to change my mind. On the day of the wedding, she texted that she was gonna leave an empty seat for me and that I was welcome anytime if I changed my mind.
I still didn’t go.
Rob is mad at me saying I ruined his daughter’s wedding and made her cry, that all she wanted was me there and this was a chance to fix our family. Mike (who is also NC with her) is on my side.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You didn’t ruin a darn thing.
This was not a chance to “fix” anything. The fixing would have come long before this point, if it was an honest request.
This was all just a ploy and an act to look like she had everyone in the family there, despite her being the one to cut ties.
Rob is living in some dream world and blaming you for it, and that isn’t okay.
If his daughter had her head on straight again and wasn’t blaming you still after taking lead from her ridiculous egg donor, then she would have made amends well before some huge event. She would have asked to speak with you, apologized, listened to your thoughts and feelings on what happened, understood the role her egg donor played, and accepted her part.
No, this? This was ‘Gramps is gonna be even more mad and is gonna nail me in his will and I want those bucks.’ She didn’t want you there. She wanted Gramps to think all was well. The whole audience to think all was well. She didn’t earn her forgiveness, nor did she want any.
She cared what others would think, not how you actually felt. She is selfish and entitled and Rob owes you an apology. He is right to be upset but he is upset with the wrong person.” C_Alex_author
Another User Comments:
“ESH – I want to start off by saying you were doing the right thing at the start.
What should have happened is therapy for the whole family. I know easy for me to look at where it went wrong but children with a parent with substance problems need to unpack their feelings & of course, age appropriately as it’s a sickness addiction, they need to be heard – As they get older & ask more questions about BioParent with addiction…they are wanting to learn more about themselves from a biological standpoint even if they don’t know how to word it.
There really needs to be more support in place for children with a bio parent or parent with an addiction as situations like this really do hurt the kids & in turn the parent/stepparent doing the hard yards.” Purple-Valuable-5245
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. This girl’s biological mother was an addict, severe enough that she didn’t have contact with her until she was in her late teens.
Then she gets contact with her again, and who knows what dreams that made come true? She’s likely wondered her whole life about her biological mother – that’s only natural. And I imagine that her vision of it all is so drastically different from her brother’s, and now she’s lost him as well.
It sounds like she’s had a very difficult life.
She may have rejected op, but by the sounds of she went about 15 years with OP as her mother and it’s only been 5 or 6 since her biological mother came back into the picture. Isn’t it natural to treat those closest to us the cruelest?
Aren’t we all guilty of assuming the closest and strongest relationships will continue to be the closest and strongest even when we push them away? I understand that the girl rejected OP, but if OP truly considered herself the girl’s mother, wouldn’t this be a blip in the road?
I don’t know if the girl is being genuine when she says she wants OP back in her life, but it seems harsh to punish an adult woman for the albeit misguided choices she made in her teenage years when she was likely dealing with a lot of resurgent trauma.
I don’t think this makes OP a jerk. I can’t even imagine the pain of that rejection.
Maybe you should both read up more on trauma and how it can affect people’s perceptions of their lives and the swings and roundabouts of it – rather than cutting each other off entirely for a pain that neither of you started.” Adorable_Scallion658
That her wedding was NO PLACE to start a reconciliation anyways not that she wants 1 she just wants grampa to forgive her
5. AITJ For Trying To Get My Vegetarian Son To Eat Meat?
“My ex-husband has been a vegetarian for 20+ years and when we had a kid he asked if we could raise him as a vegetarian. I agreed with some conditions (eg not reading labels to check for animal products, broth and fish ok, and if he wants to eat meat when he is older it will be his choice).
Our son is 3. We also have a 4-month-old baby.
We are separating. The separation is very amicable and we are good friends and want to prioritize a good co-parenting relationship. I would like to offer my son meat for a few reasons but I definitely don’t want to be a jerk. Here are my reasons for wanting to offer meat:
I am not a vegetarian and would like to be able to make nonvegetarian meals without having to cook separate foods for my son.
My family is not vegetarian and it is extra work for them to make vegetarian options/for me to bring something separate for my son.
My son has no preference for eating meat vs not.
I have been responsible for making sure he gets enough iron and it is easier with meat options.
WIBTJ for going back on our agreement to raise our son as a vegetarian?”
Another User Comments:
“Just because it is legal, doesn’t make it moral. Just because you don’t consider it immoral doesn’t mean your ex won’t consider it immoral.
Imagine if your son came home swearing and your partner explained they had decided that this language was actually okay.
You are separating romantically, not as parents. Any major change like this without discussion would be jerk behavior, it’s going to be tricky enough as it is, don’t create extra battles.
Nobody’s the jerk, though, thinking about stuff like this is fine, just be warned no amount of sounding other people out or checking what the majority opinion on the topic is will change how your partner feels.
My family is mainly veggie though, and we were all raised either vegan or veggie. There was a moment as a young kid when I figured out properly where meat came from. I would have been livid if my parents had fed me hunks of dead animals, and I am thankful to this day they didn’t let me down as parents in feeding me meat.
I don’t know any kids who were raised veggie/vegan who didn’t stick with it, I’d bear that in mind, especially if your son is going to have siblings who do get to grow up veggie.” stupidredditwebsite
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk here.
Co-parenting is a long negotiation.
When you split up you are already fundamentally altering the agreement that you both entered to raise the kids together, so it’s not as if meat/no meat is some wildly exceptional change, against the backdrop of no longer living with a parent or moving house, etc.
But it’s one to discuss with your co-parent. State your reasons – you don’t want to have to cook twice, you will have less bandwidth parenting alone to ensure dietary iron is sufficient, it will be easier for your wider support network to help you if your children can eat meat.
Who knows what your co-parent will say.
It is reasonable for him to object just as it is reasonable for you to ask. If he is firm on you not changing the agreement of your child’s diet you would be reasonable to ask him to carry the cost of iron supplements or have him or his family provide you with meat-free freezer meals for when your child can’t eat the meals your family can provide you.
I have been co-parenting with my eldest’s dad for 16 years and my strongest advice is to put the children at the centre of all the negotiations. They need harmony between their parents way more than they need meat or vegetarianism. Remember when you have to let your ex “win” (it’s inevitable, sometimes you’ll have things to suit you and sometimes you won’t) that it’s all for your kids.
Every time you don’t get what you want, either of you, your kids are getting what they need, which is a peaceful stable family with their wellbeing at the core.” falling_upper
Another User Comments:
“As someone who has leaned towards being vegetarian myself, I don’t think you are the jerk. You are co-parenting, not married, and for better or for worse; you have to adhere to your lifestyle.
It’s asking a bit much now, to expect to cook only vegetarian for your son who is too little to care.
But I also will say, you need to work this out now. Because custody court could get nasty.
But also, I simply don’t agree with forcing children pure vegetarian just because the parents are.
Obviously, you can often meet or exceed most nutritional needs by being vegetarian, but it’s hard work and it’s limiting a child in a meat-oriented world. Plus, frankly, it’s expensive and can be time-consuming in multiple regards.
Your ex is now asking you to finance the vegetarian cost groceries aside from your own, utilize a lot of time to cook them especially if they are separate from your meals, make sure they are nutritionally dense enough for a growing child, and that doesn’t even delve into what your co-parenting looks like when exposed to outside meals.
That would be a hard no for me. My personal opinion of if you want it, is to feed children as reasonably as healthy as can be afforded and to suit their nutritional needs, but ultimately not limit them and allow them to make their own choices as they get older. If you want to cook vegetarian meals occasionally I think that’s a good compromise, but a hardcore vegetarian is probably not going to agree.
That’s not really your issue. And I’ll be real, science shows early exposure CAN prevent allergies. By choosing to limit your child to exposure, you could be potentially setting them up for food allergies.” Elismom1313
4. AITJ For Telling My Best Friend To Get Her Life Together?
Maybe, just maybe, it was the slap in the face she needed to hear, but was it the right thing?
“My best friend (27f) and I (26f) have been friends for 20 years. Let’s call her Lisa. Lisa is an amazing person, and I love her to death, but I feel as though she isn’t growing. She is stuck in her partying phase that I got over years ago. I have a full-time job, I’m planning a wedding, and I’m in the process of buying a house.
I don’t always have the time to go out. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind going to parties, clubs, and bars every once in a while, but Lisa wants to go every weekend, and sometimes on weekdays. She gets upset at me if I say no and complains about how I’m boring and never hang out with her anymore.
She calls me old, saying that I am a 60-year-old stuck in a 20’s body.
My fiancé’s birthday was yesterday. I planned a cabin trip with a group of friends and invited her. Since last night was his actual birthday, we had quite a bit to drink. It was a really great time. However, today, we all woke up hungover.
We decided tonight, we would just have a more laid-back night and just play some board games. She suggested we drive into town and go bar hopping. A few people said they would go with her, but my fiancé and I told her that we would probably just hang back because we were still recovering from the night before.
She called me boring. That really ticked me off but I let it go.
However, just a little while ago, she and a few friends were pregaming to go out and asked if I wanted to take a shot with them. I told her no because I still wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to drink tonight.
She kept pushing it so I told her to stop and just respect that I am telling her no. She then went on about how ever since I got engaged I started acting like I was so much better than her and how I’m no fun anymore. I finally had enough and told her that she needs to grow up.
We are not 21 anymore. I do not have the time or the energy to go out all the time to get intoxicated. I am working toward my future and my goals, and she needs to start getting her act together too.
Things got really quiet and then she ran to her room in tears. She stayed in there for a bit, then she came out with her suitcase and said that she was going home because she didn’t want to spend any more time with people who were just going to look down on her.
After she left, a few friends told me that I had crossed the line and that I could have just said no to her instead of attacking her like that. My fiancé is on my side but my other friends said that I should apologize to her. She might not have wanted to hear it, but I think what I said was something she needed to hear.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. It sounds like you do look down on Lisa quite a bit, and she’s picked up on that and is insecure about it as a result. She shouldn’t belittle you when you choose not to drink or party, but the judgment and superiority rolls off your first paragraph in waves and I’d imagine she’s caught onto that tenfold.
She needs to respect that you’re in a different phase of life than she is, but you need to respect the same thing when it comes to Lisa. She’s not out partying with little kids neglected at home, she’s just not as settled down as you seem to be. She may never want to be settled down the way you are, there’s no one-size-fits-all path for this.” CP81818
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Though she is way more in the wrong than you are.
She repeatedly called you boring and old because you didn’t want to do the same things as she does, which was unkind of her and likely because of her insecurity. She also tried to peer pressure you into drinking when you already told her no, which is not how friends treat each other.
It would’ve made a lot more sense to counter her accusation (of you looking down on her) with the fact that that is 100% her baggage: you are working toward your life goals, and to do that, you need to scale back on the partying. None of that is about her. It’s unfair of her to keep calling you old and boring for doing that.
Up until that point, she had been disrespecting and dismissing your life choices, which is, again, not how friends treat one another. But instead of saying that, you confirmed her accusation (that you look down on her) by telling her she needs to grow up and get her life together.
It’s very clear from your post that she isn’t wrongly assuming your personal choices are a judgment on her.
You clearly do look down on her for her choices right now. I think it’s highly probable that you’ve been making her aware of that judgment in many different ways, possibly not consciously or on purpose, but still doing it.
She crapped all over your life choices, and you crapped on hers.” toxicredox
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you are doing what she said.
You disapprove of her choices – this is the first time you said it – and after all this time it would hurt her you confirmed it.
MAYBE (likely) you two grew apart.
It would be fine to accept you’re in two different phases right now, and coexist with mutual respect.
She felt that was not the case and poked at you – I disagree with her calling you boring, etc, fyi.
I just think you pushed it over the line by directly acknowledging it the way you did. You did attack her choices when yours ARE boring equally to your opinion that hers are immature.
You do not have a right to attack her or believe you making the choices toward your goals makes you better.
Everyone gets to live their life at their pace, she is not less than you for wanting to continue partying.
She was being crappy poking at you, you were a jerk for attacking her.
You could’ve matched her and made half-joke comments, or sat down and talked about your different interests now and not made it a rift. Friendships go through phases – what you did make sure it was an end.
By the way, I never lived a conventional life. Anyone who thinks in normative terms would think I failed somehow or am a survivor, lol, and I honestly am sad for them.
Because at my age (near 40), I see your counterparts – in unhappy marriages, or working extra hard to maintain relationships, kids, mortgages, and an image and standards society set out for them. And the divorcees who did hedge all their bets in one basket… I see it because it is all the things I did not want that they’re struggling with, and I’m easy to talk to about it.
My point being – your way is right for you, it sounds miserable to others for good reason. It is not for everyone. And don’t hedge bets quite yet – statistically, the normative way is bound to fail too…50/50 I hear. Which of your choices is right is pretty much a coin toss.” mayfeelthis
3. AITJ For Embarrassing My Nephew Around His Friends For Peeing In Bottles?
“Backstory, my nephew is 17 and has lived with us since he was 9.
He came from my wife’s eldest sister. He’s never really had respect for me, I believe it’s due to our age gap (I’m 30). He doesn’t see me as an authoritative figure. He was held back in school before he came to live with us. He will graduate when he’s 19 and says he’s immediately moving out after graduation.
We put him in therapy at 9 but by 13 he completely refused to go anymore.
Yesterday, I came home from work and my daughter (8) was upset because she couldn’t find her kitten after she got in from school. We looked for probably about 20 mins, finally discovered he had gotten stuck in my nephew’s room.
I found him under the bed, up against the wall. The only way I could grab him is if I moved the bed. When I did, I found 23 bottles that had urine in them. Yes, I counted. I put a pair of gloves on and lined them up in the middle of his room.
With it being Monday, it wasn’t usual for him to walk in the door with his friends.
Normally, they come over a few hours after school lets out. But lo and behold, he got home with two friends yesterday. I was helping my wife with something in her home office, I didn’t even know he had people with him. He opened his bedroom door and screamed. Probably from embarrassment, the other two kids dipped out.
My intentions were to keep it between him and me but later discuss it with my wife because I do strongly think he needs therapy again. Maybe it’s just laziness, maybe it’s not.
He called me every name in the book, said I should have left them under the bed and told him to clean it out.
The way he is, if it wasn’t in his face he wouldn’t do it. I asked him why would he be urinating in bottles when there’s a bathroom directly across from his room. He told me to go screw myself, then said he’s sick of having to walk over our daughter’s undergarments in the shared bathroom.
I opened the bathroom door to find not a single article of clothing on the floor. My wife also confirmed, she consistently uses her hamper and doesn’t find clothes on the bathroom floor.
I asked him to get a trash bag and dispose of the bottles. He instead walked out of the house and left. This afternoon, the bottles are still sitting in the middle of his room.
I have told my wife do not touch them, he is to take care of it. Apparently, he told his grandfather what I did. FIL asked me…”So where’d he learn that from?” Umm, not from me, that’s nasty. My FIL further said, “That’s not a need for a counselor, he needs his own bathroom.” Oh ok, sure so we’ll just send our daughter to do her business in the backyard.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You had every right to go into his room because it’s your house. It was even okay for you to look under the bed and move the bed, because you needed to find the kitten. It was even okay for you to line up the bottles in the middle of the room, because you had no reason to expect that he would bring friends over right after school.
It is unfortunate that his friends saw the bottles, because this kid has serious problems, and the shame of having them exposed to his friends — let alone the bullying he will probably get at school after the friends tell everyone — is only going to make his problems worse. It would be appropriate to explain that you never meant for his friends to see, and you are sorry that they did.
I suspect your FIL is minimizing the problem because clearly his daughter screwed up, or your nephew wouldn’t have been placed with you when you were only 21 and not old enough to be his dad. Your nephew is suffering from trauma, and definitely needs therapy. I recommend Brainspotting, which works extremely well for trauma and doesn’t necessarily even require talking to improve the condition.
It will require your nephew’s buy-in, so maybe you could make him a deal.
His school life is probably going to be really rough now, on top of the severe emotional pain that has to be behind urinating in bottles. Please try to see his terrible behavior as the sign of pain that it is.
Also, having been held back a year is hard for a kid. Maybe he would prefer a GED program? If so, offer support in that option if he participates in therapy.
Good luck to you both.” GAB104
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My little brother was doing the same thing, and my mom found like 10 big bottles of different shades of old pee.
He had no reason, but I know he’s being mistreated by Mom, and he’s extremely stressed. Even my ex-FIL did something similar, but he’s in a wheelchair and hates that he has to do it, because he doesn’t qualify for a catheter or doesn’t want one (I’ve heard both reasons).
This is not normal behavior. There is 100% an underlying problem, be it hoarding or depression, or something else. If he refuses to go to the doctor, then I honestly don’t know where to go from there. You can’t force him in therapy, but something should be done. I’m sorry OP.
Also tell your FIL he’s free to pay and build him his own bathroom, in yours or his house.
Or pay for your nephew’s own place.
I’m sure he’s embarrassed, and that does suck, but you didn’t embarrass him to his friends on purpose, frankly he should’ve told you he was bringing friends over. I also would bet had you warned him that you needed to talk, he wouldn’t have come home or completely avoided you, or been disrespectful and not changed his behavior anyway.” JaimeGold27
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the kid needs help, he could have various mental reasons for not wanting to go into the bathroom to urinate every time maybe he feels like the house isn’t his to be walking in and out of?
Him saying he’s annoyed by clothing on the ground from your daughter makes me feel like he sees your family as a separate family and doesn’t feel welcome even though he has lived with you most of his life which makes that feeling even worse as you don’t feel connected to the people in theory you should.
As awkward as it might be, it would also be a good idea to have him get a physical done by a doctor if it is something male urinary-related. Lots of boys and men in general have symptoms with their urinary tract that they’re too embarrassed to share and just find ways to live with, I would take him for a physical and let him talk openly with the doc or mention it to the doc beforehand so they know what to look for.
As for the no respect due to close age gap there has to be a reason for giving respect besides just living in the home, he said he was going to live somewhere else as fast as he could which makes me feel like you’ve said something maybe in the past of “my house my rules” vs explaining why things are wrong and why you want it done a certain way.
Instead of shaming someone or calling them disgusting (not saying you did this, just an example) you can explain why it’s not the right thing to do and what you can do to help him feel like his concern is being heard while also getting him to do what you want.
You can do a family discussion where you discuss overall cleanliness which would include your young daughter.
Don’t say things like “you do this” you can say “I got a hamper so we can put our clothes in instead of leaving them on the ground.” That doesn’t direct blame at anyone and gives someone who might do that behavior a way to solve it. You can mention overall cleanliness with the bathroom, and say leave the bathroom door cracked if you are not inside so others know it’s free to use, at night someone might not want to open the door if they think it makes noise.” AaronCartersCorpse
2. AITJ For Telling My Coworker That We Aren't Friends?
“I just left a job that I had for over 2 years. During that time I had come to like many of my coworkers, but I didn’t consider them to be friends as, in my opinion, friends are people who you hang out with and are able to text/call out of the blue.
I understand that my opinion of “friend” may not be the universal definition of friend but I have used this definition in my life and I consider people who fit the above description friends. All others are coworkers and colleagues. So if I don’t hang out or text you about nonwork-related things, then I am not your friend.
On my last day at work, a former coworker of mine kept saying they would miss me and kept referring to me as their friend. I reminded them that while I enjoy their company at work, I don’t consider us to be friends. They were as confused as they thought we were. I reminded them that every time I asked them to hang out outside of work, they would say no and would give reasons that ranged from understandable to ones that were, well obvious that they didn’t want to hang out with me.
I soon realized that maybe we weren’t going to be friends and that I had a coworker that was a colleague who I could talk to during work hours. I let them know that I only consider people my friends if I hang out with them outside of work. They tried to laugh it off as if I was not being serious.
I told them I was serious and that I would consider them a coworker. They got upset and said that friends come in all different varieties and that we were friends because we had conversations at work. I politely informed them, that while they might see that as a friendship, I did not. I saw us as coworkers.
My coworker got quiet and didn’t continue the conversation. They then called me a jerk for making them upset. I was confused as it was a cordial conversation. Am I the jerk for making my coworker upset that I didn’t consider them a friend?
Edit: Just for clarification, the reason I said I did not see us as friends was because this person would go out and hang out with other people from the office and would tell me about it during lunch.
Whenever I would ask to hang out it would always be a polite, no thank you. And that is fine. That would make us just coworkers. Maybe I am being petty. Coincidentally, I also have friends that I hang out with outside of work from this job.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for unnecessarily telling your coworker off like that.
If this was in public, it would have been incredibly embarrassing for your coworker. You should’ve just let it go and gone off into the sunset.
I have people at work who I consider work friends, but not personal friends. I’ve even had coworkers I became friends with after leaving the office, but not while I was there.
For all you know that coworker could’ve been turning you down to hang out because they had personal problems.
It’s within your rights to tell this person that they aren’t your friend but would it hurt long term for you to just nod and never see them again?” Too_Much_To_Do2020
Another User Comments:
“You totally bombed that social interaction. Nobody is gonna remember your extremely precise take on a common concept (friendship), but they will remember how rude you were completely out of the blue. Your coworker is probably wondering what on earth they did wrong to make you so upset at them. Depressingly, the answer is nothing.
You got so caught up in your own head you seem to have forgotten the other person, who was simply trying to let you know they appreciated you and would miss you. Now they think you hate them, but you just hate… inconsistent definitions, I guess?
Perhaps being directly told someone insignificant to you likes and appreciates you made you uncomfortable and you lashed out.
It’s a bad look and you would do well to learn to control that behavior if you want to be respected. Just smile and say thanks next time.
YTJ.” rhymes_with_mayo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
All the people who are saying you’re the jerk, being either neurodivergent or socially awkward, I think don’t get it and have it completely backward: I think your co-worker is/has been so starved for attention and affection that they think anyone who is nice to them is a “friend.” Your definition of “friend” is similar to mine: someone I’m willing to, and have had success with, socializing within a non-professional context (work lunches or dinners, for example, wouldn’t count).
I used to work in an office setting where our unit had about 25 – 30 people (maybe more, once you add in the people who left after I started and came in before I left). I made an effort to be friendly with all of them – some wanted none of it, and that’s fine – but for similar reasons, I only considered like 3 of them friends, because they’re the only ones who made any effort to interact outside of work; those three were the only ones I had any contact with after I left that job, no others made any effort, even asking for minimal things like an email address or social media page as a touch point.
It sounds like your co-worker has a very different definition of “friend” than you or me, and couldn’t understand our viewpoint.
And for those who said you were a jerk for saying hurtful things that made your co-worker cry, my view is that you explained things from your point of view pretty cordially, and only when they pushed did you get kind of blunt on how you saw the relationship.” NYCinPGh
1. AITJ For Keeping Peanuts In The House, Even Though My Roommate's Partner Is Allergic?
“I (21 F) live with “Amy” (21 F). We get along fine, but I wouldn’t say we’re great friends or anything. About 2 weeks ago, Amy started seeing this guy (“Josh,” 20 M).
Josh is apparently very allergic to peanuts. Amy says it’s okay if he has some exposure to peanut dust or if peanuts are eaten in his proximity, but he’ll become very ill and possibly die if he eats a peanut. Amy wants to be really careful about peanuts in the house now. I have a big tub of peanuts (maybe 4 inches wide and 5 inches tall; the 2 lb Planter’s peanuts you find at the grocery store) that I eat often as a snack, and Amy asked me to throw it away.
I told her no.
I’m happy to purchase a snack besides peanuts when I finish the tub (it’s about half eaten. I’ll probably finish it in about 2 months). I’m not like married to peanuts or anything. But I’m not going to throw away perfectly good food. I was raised without enough food on the table sometimes, and I absolutely will not waste a bunch of food.
I know it’s not the biggest deal, but it’s a principle thing for me.
Now, if it was my roommate who was allergic to peanuts, I would definitely consider it. But my roommate’s partner of 2 weeks who does not pay rent here is not a valid reason for me to waste food. I always wipe down the counter after I eat anyway, so I will keep traces of peanuts away from Josh, even though he’s okay to come into slight contact with it.
If he is concerned about contact with peanuts, he does not have to come over much for the next 2 months. Again, after that, I’ll buy a different snack. But until then, I’m going to keep eating my peanuts and cleaning up after I do so.
The main reason why I won’t give my peanuts to someone else is for those reasons.
I feel that, given Josh’s newness and the fact that he doesn’t live here, I have a right to eat peanuts if I want to, and if I already own them.
Amy is really angry that I won’t get rid of the peanuts. I’ve talked with my friends, and they’re split. Some say I’m the jerk because he can’t help that he’s allergic to peanuts, and I’m creating an environment that may make him uncomfortable.
My other friends say I’m not the jerk because it’s my house, my tub of peanuts is older than Amy and Josh’s relationship, and I could get rid of my peanuts only for them to break up.
I wanted to get more opinions on this, as I don’t want to be a major jerk, but I’m okay with slightly inconveniencing Amy for the sake of not wasting food.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“There are normal allergies, and then there are potentially fatal ones. Peanut allergies are often severe and life-threatening, sometimes FATAL. And it’s not only about if the roommate’s partner eats a peanut. Unseen molecules and dust from peanuts can contaminate things, and there could be peanut residue on the OP’s hands, which could touch things in the apartment that could make the partner have a severe or fatal reaction if he touched them.
There’s a website about peanut allergies I used to check often because my daughter is allergic to them. I remember a case where school sandwiches in lunch bags were near each other, and a child died because molecules from a plastic-wrapped peanut butter sandwich somehow contaminated the wrapped sandwich of another child who was allergic, even though no actual peanut butter touched the other child’s sandwich.
These things do happen.
In my honest opinion, no one is the jerk. It’s a case of not understanding! I think the woman with the partner should pay her friend for the peanuts, plus some additional pay as “compensation,” and the peanut-eating roommate should take her peanuts to the forest or somewhere where animals can eat them so that they won’t be “wasted.” As both women pay rent and are allowed to bring guests over, I think it’s a very small thing to ask not to have the peanuts in the house, since they could make the partner severely ill or worse.
Doesn’t matter how new he is. People should take precedence over things– but then it’s only fair that she be compensated for her peanut sacrifice.” crexmom
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go on a minority stance and say YTJ. I get it you’re not on the best terms with your roommate and admitted it. The partner is also likely not to ingest it and die.
Long story short is, she may be overly worried that stuff can happen and she is overreacting, but it’s literally a tub of nuts that can’t be any more than $20.
My question is why be spiteful about it and say “no” and compromise that you can donate the nuts to a friend or coworker and she gets you something to replace it.
You get the higher road, the food isn’t wasted and she doesn’t get mental fits. It feels as if you’re justifying your actions with “not wasting food” when it feels more like “this is my place and he won’t die if he doesn’t ingest it.”
No offense, you’re entitled to your place and you have a right to it, but it sounds more like you are not exactly that close to your roommate; the request is more taken out of defiance rather than easing tension.
There are dozens of ways to resolve the nuts without wasting it and getting it replaced but that seems too much to do and feels like it would lead to another argument.” bltsrtasty
Another User Comments:
“Soft NTJ.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to keep peanut snacks in your own apartment. I also think it’s perfectly reasonable for her to ask you to label them or maybe keep them in your room or in one particular cabinet.
There are ways that y’all can be respectful of food preferences without endangering someone who could die by cross-contamination. Nut allergies are generally very serious, the new partner may not even know how serious if he’s never had an anaphylactic reaction. One of my coworkers died at work after coming in contact with nuts via cross-contamination.
He ordered food at a restaurant before his shift and something there, either the prep surface or materials, must have been contaminated. Not enough to be seen or tasted but enough to cause a reaction that came on slowly so it wasn’t immediately identifiable, and it killed him. He knew he was allergic to nuts, and he took every reasonable precaution, but he had never (to my knowledge) suffered an anaphylactic reaction before his death and it’s not always like it is in the movies.
It can take hours to appear and not be obvious.
You’re definitely NTJ for refusing to throw out your food over a guy who doesn’t live in your apartment or pay rent. But I think there’s plenty of room for a reasonable compromise that shows you respect the fact that he has a life-threatening condition and you don’t want to accidentally kill him.” nothanx_nospanx
Another User Comments:
“Do you have a right to live as you wish in your own house? Yes. Do your concerns as a resident trump his as a visitor? Yes. Does the shortness of their relationship minimize his needs, relative to yours? Yes. Do you have the right to live according to an important principle that you value?
Yes. Yes, Yes, Yes. In so many ways, for so many reasons, you are in the right.
But this is am I the jerk.
You determining that your abstract principle is more important than his life (or overall welfare) makes you the jerk. Your insistence that the fact that they’ve only been together for a short time, therefore you can act in a way that can cause him serious, serious health concerns makes you the jerk.
At what point do you concern yourself with another human’s well-being… when you know them 2 months? 2 years? Do you only pay attention to another human’s well-being if he signs a lease? This is a person’s health and well-being we’re talking about. Life is already challenging enough for him, and he already has to be on constant vigil against dangerous allergens.
Why make his life more difficult?
Again, you don’t have to do anything, your position trumps his. But I would hope there is some compromise possible, such as Amy buying you new snacks, you not eating peanuts for a month to see how their relationship goes, bringing them to work and eating them there, or something besides “S*****t, peanut boy!”
YTJ.” Local_Age_7615
