People Convince Us That They're Blameless In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Secretly Getting A Piercing?
“I (18F) recently got a septum piercing for the fun of it, however, I didn’t consult my mum (44F) about it.
My mother is very strict about things like piercings, hair dying, tattoos, etc., and was very unhappy when I got my seconds in my ears done without her permission. However, she used to say to me that I could do whatever I wanted when I was 18, so one of the first things I did was get my septum pierced. But when I came home, she saw it and snapped.
She won’t let me hear the end of it and continuously tells me how it looks horrible, I’ll never get a good job now, I’ve ruined my life, and my partner won’t love me anymore with it.
I tried telling her I can flip it up to hide it but she doesn’t care. She says I look like a thug and makes it blatantly clear that she hates it.
So AITJ for piercing my septum without asking my mum beforehand?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mum has some very outdated ideas about image and needs to realize that companies have come a long way from the 1950s. There are plenty of CEOs that have tattoos and piercings nowadays, it’s just not shown because the media is still biased.
Just because her love is conditional, doesn’t mean everyone’s is.” curious_seahorse1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are an adult, it’s your body, she agreed that you can do what you like with your body once you were 18, and she is completely wrong about it anyway. I am 45 and have had a f****l piercing for 20 years now, never stopped me from getting a job, and I wouldn’t want to work in a job that considered policing my jewelry more than my skills and suitability for a job anyway.
I do sympathize though, my mum hated my piercing too and every time she saw me she’d point out that I had ‘a bogey’ on my face. Oh how I laughed. Not. You’ll just need to learn to tune her out, I eventually did.” Crackles247
Another User Comments:
“No, NTJ. I had the whole ‘when you’re 18’ nonsense and when I turned 18 I got CONSTANT nonsense for doing what I wanted with my money and my body.
Do what makes you happy, not what makes some crabapple happy. Strict, controlling, and pushy parents don’t exactly create strong relationships with their kids. It only took a single quarter-sized tattoo for me to go from ‘the first granddaughter to graduate and go to college and we’re so proud’ to ‘we’re so disappointed in your choices, you picked a horrible degree, your career is garbage, and we don’t support any of your choices, so all the promises we made, we take back, and we think you’re disrespectful and hope your sister and cousin don’t make the same mistakes and turn out like you.’
I have a very well-paying and fulfilling government job with benefits, a degree magna cum laude, and with honors in the field of community education, a car, a home, some pets, and a loving partner. I’m proud of the life I’m making, but I couldn’t be anything more than gutter trash to them because I’m not what they wanted me to be.
Your life isn’t over because you modified your skinsuit to feel more like yourself. She made the ‘when you’re 18’ ultimatum, well now you’re 18 and you don’t look like a thug, you’re going great. Congratulations on the new piercing, and don’t let her get you down, the world is your oyster. Good luck, kiddo!” Forsaken_Raccoon_362
20. AITJ For Getting A Tattoo On My Sister's Birthday?
“I (18m) have been really into art for a long time and actually had my own artwork tattooed on me! It was really exciting since it was my first tattoo and my dad was getting it matching with me (he already has matching tattoos with both of my sisters) I even found a really semi-TikTok famous tattoo artist in the same state as me to do it.
Mentioned she is semi-TikTok famous so her booking is impossible to get around and wait times are really long. Anyway I messaged the artist last May and didn’t get a response until late June, she accepted it and I paid the down payment. But the thing is the earliest open availability was on my sister’s (f22) birthday in January.
And before I had confirmed the appointment with the artist I talked to her and she told me it was fine.
About halfway she started getting angry at me and really short-tempered and finally blew up at me saying I was selfish. (Also side track a couple of months before I got my tattoo I had to get knee surgery so I was out of work and still had to keep my savings for my tattoo).
It comes to the week before I needed to leave town for the tattoo and I was trying to convince her to come with us out of town and we could also do things that she would like.
At first, she said yes, and then last minute, the day before we needed to leave. She suddenly didn’t want to come with us and was extremely angry again.
She ended up going to a town a couple of hours away from the city I needed to go to get my tattoo and get a tattoo herself. I also bought her, her partner, and my dad dinner at a fancy hibachi grill (a traditional Japanese heating device) even though I was really short on funds, not to mention the birthday basket that I made her.
Now our mutual friends are saying I’m in the wrong and that it was selfish of me, so am I?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I can understand why she is upset. Maybe next time make it the next possible date? I don’t know what that was but I wouldn’t even think of asking any of my family if I could do this on their birthday.
That is me tho. Either way, though she is the one who agreed and changed her mind.” empress_2022
Another User Comments:
“NTJ with the given info here. She sounds selfish and not considerate of others’ plans. Especially when a circumstance like this occurs where you really can’t control when the appointment is made. Could you have made the appointment at a later date?
Maybe. But at the end of the day, a birthday is just another day. The celebration could be at any other time as well.” InShapeTrucker
Another User Comments:
“NTJ –You took them to a nice dinner out and got her a gift. It’s not like you ignored her birthday. I would have been very happy with that.
You made an effort and showed you cared, in my mind, you did nothing wrong.” ksukitty
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Work Beyond My Scheduled Shift?
“Last Friday I (22f) was rostered on to work until 6:00 pm. I don’t drive and I’d agreed to look after my 2 brothers at my mum’s place so she could spend the weekend taking care of some family stuff. Since I don’t drive, my aunt volunteered to pick me up from work at 6 and take me to my mum, I work in childcare and the younger of my 2 brothers was signed up for the day since he wasn’t old enough to be home with just my other brother (he spent the day at a friends house anyway so he was only alone for a few hours).
My manager was aware of my arrangements and everything as she had given me lifts home when I worked late in the past. When 6 roles around, my aunt and two young cousins came up to let us know they were there and my brother cheered about getting to go home. My manager then tells me that because the hall isn’t clean, I’m not allowed to finish.
This took me aback, she knew my plans, I’d been telling my brother for the past half hour that at 6 we’d go home for a yummy dinner. I told her that I couldn’t. I had two minors to take care of now, my aunt had come out of her way to pick me up and I couldn’t stay back at literally the last possible minute.
She got frustrated and told me to go.
We work out of a school hall which is why the cleaning was so important and I live in Australia so by 6 pm here, it’s completely dark and not the best neighborhood either.
I sent a message to the contact I had above this manager on Sunday, once my frustration was settled and I wasn’t emotional. Basically saying that in the future, I’m happy to stay back but I need the notice to make sure I can get home safely and manage the care of my siblings if needed. My mum’s a single mum and I help where I can and had I been given 15 minutes warning, I could have let my brother at home know I’d be late and my aunt to arrive later too or try to arrange with other families if needed.
Today I get called in by that same manager for a ‘performance review’ where I’m told I’m obligated to stay back if the hall isn’t cleaned at the end of my scheduled shift. I told her that I’m not, I’m only casual and at that time, my obligation to the family came first. She honestly seemed offended while I was just confused. I was literally asking for 15 minutes’ notice so I could arrange safe travels home but she insisted that because she also wanted to get home to look after her own kids (who were home with their dad) that my points were invalid.
Now a few years ago, I worked in an extremely toxic environment that literally destroyed me mentally. I still have anxiety and depression from the events, I relapsed into an eating disorder I had as a teenager and still have trauma I’m working on. I’ve also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which is why I don’t trust my judgment entirely here.
So, am I the jerk for leaving at the end of my scheduled shift after not being given notice I’d need to stay late?
Edit for info: Yes it is my responsibility to clean but nowhere is it stated I’m required to stay back until the hall is spotless. I’d been cleaning the hall for over an hour while the manager switched between being on her laptop, conversing with parents, and doing some cleaning too.
Had I been given 15 minutes I could have arranged a later pickup from my aunt and informed my brother at home (who is autistic and needs to know the exact time of what’s going on or he gets worried) that I’d be late. I do not get paid extra for overtime worked but just my normal hourly rate.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think that you need to have a conversation with the manager in question and another person of either equal or higher authority. It just needs to be a calm conversation about how you felt about your situation and just ask for clarification on how to move forward.
If they can’t provide you with a suitable option that works for your situation let them know and hand in your notice and look for another job.
At the moment in Australia, there is a shortage of childcare workers (at least in Victoria) so I imagine it would be easy to find another job.” E-J-2311
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. On one hand, it is very unprofessional to just drop everything and leave tasks unfinished, just because your shift just ended. On the other hand, you had plans and your boss knew about them and seemed to have no problem with you leaving on time.
Should it happen again, I would schedule potential plans not exactly at the same time your work ends, but maybe 10-20 minutes later. Unforeseen events can always happen.” Magaimagado
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A scheduled shift is just that – scheduled. It isn’t ‘work till 6 or later if we choose’. Your request for notice if they want you to stay later is absolutely reasonable.
Suggestion: don’t tell them what your plans are. Your boss who mentioned their own kids was out of line. Having kids doesn’t make you more deserving of respected schedules.” canuck_2022
18. AITJ For Leaving After One Of My Partners Had An Emergency?
“I (26F) was part of a triad with a married couple, H (28M) and T (24F). All of our time together is spent at their apartment, hanging out with their kid.
Last week, I went over to help them move into their new apartment. I watched the child while they moved things. At one point, T comes in crying, so I ask what’s happened, and she reveals that H told her she isn’t being useful and she’s not moving fast enough, and he gets like that when he’s been drinking.
My alarms go off, and I’m thinking ‘who drinks while they’re moving’? She leaves after I try to comfort her, and I return to watching the kid before bedtime. H returns a bit later and we have a short talk where I ask how much he’s been drinking, he doesn’t tell me exactly how much because he isn’t sure.
Then he says I must have a backstory with drinking because I choose not to drink. In reality, I just hate the taste of booze. He says nastily that I’m lucky. I say they should call it quits because it’s late. They agree.
The next morning, T has a job interview, but before that, she goes to have a smoke (which is unusual).
I go out there to keep the peace between H and T (both smoking), but things don’t go anywhere. She gets ready for her interview, and H goes back to sleep. I am babysitting again until 10:30 when I have to wake H up (T’s request). After this, he tells me how ‘everything was about T, but he needs support too’.
I was still shaken by the previous night but I say that he and I should talk about it. I tell him that what happened the night before was not okay with me and looked like toxic behavior.
While we are talking, T comes back from her interview and has a panic attack. She tried to feel better but then decides to go to the hospital because things are worsening.
I try to take her but she nearly fainted so H took her and I stayed with the child.
Hours later, they come back, and I’m not ok. T had a panic attack so bad it caused a seizure, but when they say that, I’m so numb to my own emotions that I couldn’t figure out how to cope.
I’d been watching their kid the whole time and then seizure, and they want to talk about everything right then and there.
But I couldn’t listen. There was too much noise and H was staring at me, so I said ‘I need to go home. I don’t feel safe here.’ And when I started driving home, I felt at peace.
They texted me later, saying how H is such a safe guy and he’s felt like crap and that I thought he might backhand everyone. I asked for some time to think, and tried to explain why I said what I said.
I was rebuked and told ‘we’ll you understand how that looks’ and ‘I’ve never felt unsafe with H or leaving him with our kid.’ I told them I didn’t know they would take it that way and I was sorry.
No forgiveness, though.
Update: So the relationship has ended. We all sat down to have a talk, and I’ll be the first to say it didn’t go well. I was interrupted, not listened to, and basically made to feel like it was all my fault that things ended up the way they did (2 v 1, in all honesty).
The official reason (breakup was done through text after the conversation by H) was that I wanted to go out on dates and they were not wanting to be accommodating to that since they have a kid and they don’t think it’s necessary. I thanked them for their honesty and left the group chat. I’ve since checked the site I met them on and I didn’t see any sign of them reactivating their profiles.
I’m relieved and assume that it’s not likely they’re out there hurting someone else with their dysfunction.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
‘H is such a safe guy’ – real safe guys don’t feel the need to say this. They respect when you make choices to protect yourself from an uncomfortable situation. H and T sound like either they’re becoming more and more toxic, or they’ve been toxic this whole time and you’re just now seeing it.
Also honestly, you don’t sound like a partner in a triad. You sound more like free childcare with a side of a ‘good time’, not someone they value and respect.” BogwitchOfTheBog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Often the comments we make when we’re not in the right frame of mind to guard our tongue are what we truly know and truly believe.
I think your comment shows this isn’t a safe relationship for you. Not necessarily that you think someone will get physical with you, but rather they aren’t there to look out for your greater good. Seems like it’s all about them, and they are a mess.” SunnyRose57
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but this is the problem with triad relationships, whenever there is a conflict, two will always take one side and then they are basically ganging up on the third.
When it’s almost always the same two siding with each other, it’s borderline abusive to the third, who winds up feeling gaslit and questioning their own feelings.
Also, it sounds like you are really just their babysitter and they don’t want to lose their free babysitter.” minicooperlove
17. AITJ For Posting About My Husband's Funeral On Social Media?
“My (50sF) ex-husband (70sM) passed away last week after a long illness.
Our divorce was amicable. We share two adult sons and a baby grandson. Given the nature of his illness, the passing was not unexpected. I had various family members and friends asking about him. His wife (60sF) and one of my sons posted the obituary on social media. I shared the link as well with a note of support for his family members and loved ones.
His wife was furious and contacted me (both on her own and through my sons) to ask me to take it down and tell me this was ‘inappropriate.’ l let her know that I had friends who wanted to attend the funeral and she said that they ‘did not belong there.’
I deleted the obituary so as to not cause any further drama for my children, but I later regretted this as I don’t think I did anything wrong nor do I think it was inappropriate for people who knew my ex-husband to want to attend his funeral.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – your post was fine – it was your news to share – but it was also his wife’s news and she likely feels ‘scooped’ by you getting the info out first before her. I’m sure people are asking ‘weird, why did I find out from his ex-wife and his current widow didn’t post?’And that would be ridiculous to think because she’s likely dealing with a lot, more than you.
It would have been nice of you to give her a heads up and allow her the opportunity to post first if she had the emotional strength to do so, or else give you the ‘ok’.” SceneNational6303
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And even though you’re divorced, I am sorry for your loss.
Your divorce was amicable but it appears that the 2nd (?) wife has some insecurities.
You were gracious in removing the obituary from your page,for the sake of your children. Even adult children don’t want to deal with the fallout of divorce and it was a nice thing to step away from the conflict.
You didn’t do anything wrong and it wasn’t inappropriate for people who knew your ex to want to attend his funeral and pay their respects.
His current wife may simply be grieving and lashing out by saying ‘that did not belong there.’
You could have replaced the obituary with a post of your own – stating that your children’s father had passed and that your son(s) had the obituary posted on their page. Anyone who is remotely computer literate could even just highlight the name and Google search for the obituary.” Ikeepgettingweirder
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Her asking you to take it down didn’t really make sense, but people rarely make sense while grieving.
I agree with you though. My parents’ divorce was also very amicable. When my dad passed, the easiest way for some friends of the family on my mom’s side to find out was for my mom to tell them.
She doesn’t have social media so she didn’t go that route, but I don’t think it would be even remotely unreasonable for her (or you) to do so.” MasterOfNone585
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Whether she likes it or not you and your ex-husband are a major part of each other’s lives and had always been because you shared children.
That’s the reality of divorce with children involved. Your children are grieving and you are probably grieving as well. The friends that would come are people that probably care about your children and what to pay their respects. My parents are divorced (it was not amicable), but when my grandfather passed away (my dad’s dad) my mom asked if she would be able to come to the wake (it was during the height of the crisis so the funeral was only close family) and my dad and all of his siblings basically said, ‘why wouldn’t she come?
Of course, she’s welcome’ and appreciated her there. I’m shocked by his wife’s response, but it’s probably because of grief. However, that doesn’t mean she gets to pick who grieves.” katieleigh2020
16. AITJ For Having An Argument With My Mom Over A Milkshake?
“Yesterday night, I asked my mother if I could make a milkshake myself. She agreed, so I made one. While I was sipping on it, my mother came into my room and yelled at me, because I didn’t ask her if she wanted a milkshake. I just waited for her to finish the screaming, then replied that the next time I would make that, I’d ask her.
She left the room and after 5 minutes came back and started yelling again cause I didn’t make her one (she never told me to make another one), I tried to say that she never told me to make her one, but she wasn’t having it and left the room. After not even 10 minutes she came into my room and yelled for the third time that I was a selfish, entitled brat.
At this point, I was quite annoyed and asked her if she wanted one, and she said yes. I went and made one and brought it to her then I went to bed. All of this was happening at around 2 am. I woke up this morning and looked into the fridge and, guess what, the glass of milkshake was full, at the same amount I gave to her.
My father says that the truth is somewhere in the middle, but since I can’t read minds, I think she could’ve just said she wanted one.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom sounds like my partner’s mom and it’s brutal; I get the feeling that even if you’d asked her if she wanted one she’d have found a reason to yell.
You could try asking the next time and see if it stops the yelling. Don’t let your father make you doubt the truth: Your mom overreacted over something silly.” TemptingPenguin369
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She yells, screams, and calls you a ‘selfish entitled brat’ because you didn’t read her mind and ask if she wants a milkshake.
She then doesn’t even drink it. Your father’s response is ‘that the truth is somewhere in the middle’.
Honestly, with the way your parents communicate, you would need a crystal ball for your mother and your father sounds like he’s Professor Dumbledore from Harry Potter.” cattripper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you aren’t obligated to make milkshakes for other people or get other people tea just because you are making one for yourself.
However, for future reference, it is nice to ask people if they want some. Your mother is the jerk for coming and screaming at you three separate times.” emperorduffman
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be "Overworked?"
“So I started my new job a few months ago and I was hired with a strict job responsibility list. I was told repeatedly that I would be sticking to this list of responsibilities and that the good old ‘other duties as assigned’ clause people put on job descriptions would rarely apply to me. I was excited because my old job was a mixed bag and I practically wound up being taken advantage of by others to help with their work, allowing almost no time to do my own work (the reason why I left to be honest).
So this list of set responsibilities was what attracted me to the job and made me accept the position. I should also point out that I am very much a team player and always willing to lend a hand when needed, but since leaving my old job, I started drawing a mental line in the sand on when ‘helping’ became ‘being taken advantage of.’ I even developed horrible migraines and loads of stress at my old job, so this was a great opportunity to relieve a lot of that.
Things have been going great and I really love my new job. Love the people and the work I do. Then I had this altercation with my boss yesterday… he called me into his office and said how great I’ve been doing, but he is about to leave the state for a conference and is dumping two fairly large month-end projects on my lap because he has no time.
He said he had the month to do them and didn’t get to them and they are now due early next week (when he gets back from his trip). He said something like ‘these should be no problem to you because they were outlined in your job responsibilities when you were hired and you can actually start doing this on a monthly basis too.’
I was caught off guard and said ‘I don’t mind helping you, but I do want to point out that they were not on my job responsibilities and I have never done this before at my old job, so I wouldn’t know where to begin.’ I also mentioned that with my current workload and responsibilities, I don’t think I’d have the time to add these large projects to my task list on a monthly basis, but I would try and help him out.
Well, he took this badly and called me ‘insubordinate’ and that I need to ‘watch myself’ when talking to him.
I explained to him (as I did before in my interview) why I left my prior job due to people throwing work on my back because they knew I would get it done, which led to loads of stress and health issues and I did not want to go down that road again.
He acted like he never heard me say that before and told me if I couldn’t help him, he’d find someone else who could. So now he left for his trip and I don’t know where this leaves me with my job and boss.
Am I the jerk here for not wanting to be ‘overworked’?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds as though you were completely reasonable, and the boss grew huffy because you refused to make him look good when he didn’t do his job and gave you no guidance to do the task. The job market is really hot right now if you need to move on. Since he jumped to bullying you without even blinking, it’s hard to imagine this being the last time he’ll pull a stunt like this.” AngryWriterGrr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and write everything down while it’s still fresh on your mind… (Dates/times/any emails/texts that say you are doing a great/good job.). If he fires you upon return, you can file for unemployment because he unjustly fired you in retaliation for refusing extra work… you also have grounds for a lawsuit in your hands.” rocknrolla59
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he is completely out of line and is taking advantage of his power over you in the work hierarchy and because he definitely remembers you telling him about you working too much at your own job and that’s likely why he’s telling you to do this extra work because he believes you’ll cave in and do it because you have before.
If you can, I’d recommend looking for another job because staying in an environment like that won’t be good for your mental health.” filthywitches
14. AITJ For Yelling At My Dad When He Told Me To Stop Crying?
“Just two days ago my mom (46) just got admitted to the hospital for having 3 UTIs and she’s pretty much septic. I (19) always go to my dad (40) before I make ANY decisions for my mom when she’s sick. I am the one who calls 911 for her and I have to call them fairly regularly. At least twice every couple of months.
I have both severe anxiety and depression so the mere fact that my mom is sick all the time and I have to call 911 makes me shake uncontrollably.
My dad is a good man and I love him. But aside from that, he does mainly illegal stuff on the side sometimes. So almost every day he’s off his mind and says stuff he doesn’t mean.
It’s 99-100% just me to take care of my mom. Like making sure she eats, drinks takes her medicine, does her insulin shots, etc. I don’t sleep until 6 or 7 in the morning because I have to be alert for when she needs me. I’m pretty sure I have insomnia or something…
Back to the story, after I called 911, I was packing up my mom’s things such as her phone, charger, glasses, etc. and my dad was helping get ready for the ambulance to come and get my mom, turning on the porch light, putting our dog in the backyard, moving things around, etc. and the whole time I’m shaking like I’m in the Antarctic.
My mom was quiet, but I heard her say ‘OP, calm down, I’m going to be fine.’ I told her ‘I can’t calm down, you’re my mom, of course, I’m freaking out.’ And she didn’t say anything after that. When my dad entered my mom’s room, I left the room because I heard the ambulance and I was helping them inside the house.
When they picked her up and left I went and sat down on the couch in the living room and started crying. Not loudly, because it was around four in the morning, but apparently enough for my dad to hear. ‘OP stop crying, your mom does this nonsense all the time!’ My dad tells me.
I didn’t respond and only cried more. I was vulnerable. My mom is my rock, and if she died, I would break into a million pieces. He said a little louder ‘Your mom needs to get herself together! So crying about it won’t do anything to help her out!’ And of course, because I’m a witch, had to respond.
‘Well, at least I have the heart to cry for her! You’re barely around! You’re here, what? Two? Three times a week? You’re off smoking with your friends while I have to take care of mom around the clock!’
At that point before he even got to say anything I ran off and went into my bedroom.
He didn’t come after me so I assumed he either left to see his friends or was in the living room doing whatever. Now that I’m thinking about it, I shouldn’t have snapped at him. He yells at me all the time for worse and I never respond that harshly So… anyways… AITJ? (And should I apologize?)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Both of your parents have put you in a terrible position. You are acting as a caregiver for your mother and your father is under the influence and not helping whatsoever. Neither one appear to care about what this is doing to you. I can’t blame you for yelling at your dad because what you said to him was absolutely true.
You are the one who had to call 911 and pack up her things to go to the hospital. You are the one caregiving by making sure she eats, drinks takes meds, etc. All of this should not have ended up being 100% your responsibility.
Can you talk to other family members about what is going on and get some help from your mother?
Because with you having to look after her all of the time and a not very present father, nobody is helping you with your anxiety and depression. Both your parents have done a role reversal on you and it truly isn’t fair. They both can’t expect you to do this forever and miss out on living your own life.
I wish you the best and again, try to get some help with all of this.” cattripper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry. Your dad is not a good man. He’s not there for you or your mum. He’s letting you carry the emotional and physical load since he’s off pretending to be 19 or something.
He’s an addict. Nothing matters as much as his next hit and who is feeding it to him. You served up some truth. He deserved to hear it. I hope your mum is okay and back on the mend soon.” sharri70
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were perfectly in the right to express what you felt and said, he certainly did and I bet he doesn’t think he’s in the wrong.
You were in a severe amount of distress and only did what was natural, crying is a healthy mechanism, as long as it doesn’t take over your life. I think maybe you should see if there is outside help you could get, you’re still young and dealing with A LOT, you’ve taken on A LOT.
Your body needs more rest and time than what you’re getting.” ggfanatic98
13. AITJ For Not Being Happy About My Birthday Cake?
“I (F30) recently turned 30. I do not really do well with birthdays. They make me extremely anxious. Combined with a ‘milestone’ birthday I was not feeling good about it.
I said to my husband I wanted to go away for a few days. After a while, nothing was planned, so one evening I did some research, found a hotel in a small town I liked that was not too far away, and selected a few restaurants I wanted to visit.
It was a lovely weekend, it cost about £1000 and I contributed £300 as well as organizing everything.
The one thing I asked my husband (M39) to organize was a cake. A personalized birthday cake. I showed him example pictures, I sent him links to bakeries. He said he would organize it. I reminded him several times.
Well, the cake never showed up. I didn’t want to make a fuss as I know he had spent a lot on the weekend but I have not been able to let this go. I brought it up and to be honest he did not seem bothered at all which again upset me.
Things came to a head when I pulled him up on it again.
He has a long history of being really terrible with remembering things or doing stuff for other people. There has been an element of this in other ‘milestone’ life events including us getting engaged, the wedding planning, and the honeymoon which I had to do all myself despite begging him to at least show some interest. I feel like in my life I have no nice surprises, and more than that, if I actually want anything nice I have to sort it all myself.
So maybe it isn’t about the cake.
He only really seemed to care at all when I was visibly angry and upset about it. I told him I was still annoyed and I was annoyed he did not seem to care, and that I felt he had done nothing to make up for it.
So a cake arrived today.
It is nice. It is not personalized. I cried.
My husband thinks I am the jerk, I’m not even angry I’m just really upset. I feel like I am never being listened to. Not properly. Not with any deep understanding. I did not have a great childhood either and so I feel as if my whole life I have been an afterthought.
My parents didn’t even bother to keep photos of me as a child.
AITJ for not liking the cake?
EDIT: My husband wants me to add that he phoned the hotel I booked ahead of time so that there was a card and a bottle of prosecco on arrival, and he bought me a personalized pen case.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Expectations and assumptions always lead to disappointment… except in your case, you didn’t make any assumptions… You were very clear on what you wanted for your 30th and he once again dismissed what’s important to you. You know he’s not a planner he hasn’t been interested in assisting you with other life milestones.
There’s more to this than just a cake… it’s just easier to point out the most recent example. What really sucks is it sounds like you have some contempt for him. You have to address that as soon as possible that’s never a good sign and it’s really hard to come back from that. You also have to own it hasn’t just been him that’s done this to you… this has been an insecurity you’ve held on to for a very long time.
If marriage counseling didn’t work for some it wouldn’t exist but I have a feeling this story will give you both a lot of insight into others’ boundaries. Step it up a notch hubby…
If it makes you feel any better I was a professional cake decorator… if I want a custom cake. I have to make it for myself.” _iron_butterfly_
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ.
Some people have a hard time with certain things. It’s not necessarily a lack of caring. You knew he wasn’t good at that kind of thing, and you set him up with a heavy burden of expectation for something that you knew he was likely to fail at.
This is the love language thing, which is supposed to make you better at understanding when someone is showing you love in their way, and give you tools to make a better effort to show love to your partner, not to beat someone over the head for not being good at your language.
You are surrounded by people who don’t get your language. Over time, if he cares, he can make an effort and learn, but it’s not ever going to come naturally to him, expecting that it will be just setting yourself up for disappointment. Despite what seemed to you to be copious reminders, it probably never occurred to him that this was so important to you.
He’s obviously making effort, and other commenters who jump to accusing him aren’t any more justified than you are for interpreting his lack of skill as a lack of caring.
This is something you will probably both have to work on. I highly recommend couple’s therapy. This type of situation is what it is meant for.” YourTemporaryMom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband sounds like he doesn’t care about your feelings and puts in minimal effort. A pen case and a phone call aren’t really much here. His edit doesn’t help him look better.
You even did half the work for him. You gave him pictures and bakeries.
A non-personalized cake that shows up days after?
Very low-effort attempt.
You asked for one thing and even did some legwork for that one thing, and he couldn’t be bothered to do it. You even say there is a pattern of this. He obviously does not care. You need to decide if you want to put up with that because at this point he doesn’t care enough to change.” mzpljc
12. WIBTJ If I Risk Upsetting My Future Mother-In-Law To Keep A Promise?
“I used to be a middle school teacher but I quit earlier this month. A lot of my students were pretty upset but I promised to come to their ‘graduation’ which, in their case, means finishing 8th grade.
After making this promise I found out that my fiance’s sisters are graduating high school on the same day.
My fiance’s sisters are graduating an hour away from 2 pm-4 pm. If the ceremony doesn’t run long I have just enough time to make it to my students’ graduation. Seems like no problem, I might be a little late, but okay.
However, a number of my fiance’s relatives (5 people outside of their immediate family) are also coming to this high school graduation so my future mother-in-law wants to do dinner after and make a whole event. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this, but my fiance thinks his mom would be upset if I left when the graduation was over instead of going out to dinner and doing whatever else with the family.
I will definitely be there to see the girls graduate and be at their graduation party two weeks later, I just want to leave after the graduation ceremony so that I can keep my promise to my students as well. My fiance says this would upset his mom and that, since his sisters are going to be a part of my life for a much longer time than my former students, I should just celebrate with his family and skip the 8th-grade graduation.
If it’s relevant I have good relationships with my fiance’s whole family. So, WIBTJ if I didn’t go to dinner with my fiance’s family, and went to see my former students graduate instead.
Update: My future mother-in-law is furious. I am uninvited and my fiance is mad at me because he got uninvited too. My future mother-in-law said we ‘crossed a line’ and that she ‘doesn’t know when she’ll invite (us) back into her home.’
ETA: I asked my fiance if his mom would be upset, but he did not bring up that she would be upset.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ask her if she has ever had 1 teacher that mentally stayed with her that she enjoyed… that’s what you’ve done for these students. And she’s right her family will be in your life longer but all the more reason to attend the 8th-grade graduation.
Sometimes all some kids have are a teacher and it can literally change their life for the better. You made plans BEFORE you knew about the dinner and you shouldn’t cancel one out of convenience for another.” Acelley5
Another User Comments:
“‘If it’s relevant I have good relationships with my fiance’s whole family.’
It’s relevant because it means you can leave your fiance and their assumptions out of this and communicate directly.
You’re NTJ for wanting to do this, so the important thing now is to make sure that they realize you’re not snubbing them, you’ve just got a clash.
Do you have (and if not, can you make) something like a family WhatsApp group that you can use to message everyone at once to say that you’re sorry you’re going to have to dash off straight after the ceremony, that you hope they have a great rest of the day, and that you look forward to seeing them all at the party in two weeks.
If you get out ahead of this by being aggressively reasonable it makes it hard for people to throw a strop about it afterward.
But it’s important that everyone gets the same story at the same time to avoid both anyone being genuinely upset because they don’t know what’s going on, but also to avoid any space for anyone to act it.” _ewan_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Clear communication is the way here. Talk to your fiance and tell him that you do not want to antagonize your future mother-in-law and want to stay completely transparent.
Group chat with the fiance, the sisters, and the future mother-in-law stating exactly the plan and why (including that you’ll be there at the celebration two weeks later).
Get this schedule cleared as soon as possible. It’s not a snub, it’s a prior commitment.
The lon**r you wait, the harder it will get (i.e. it’ll seem you’re only doing this to not see family rather than keeping your word).” Decent_Ad6389
11. AITJ For Being Mad At My Partner's Friend?
“I (f18) am in a really good relationship with my partner (m19). We’re generally argument free, we’re both pretty chilled and don’t get angry or upset easily.
Recently, his flatmate broke up with her partner (who he was very good friends with). Her ex was very nasty to her towards the end so all of us, my partner included, cut him off.
Now, her ex was really nasty afterward, spreading horrible stuff about my partner because he was upset he’d cut him off, essentially saying the real reason was that he was trying to move toward his ex the female flatmate.
I absolutely know this isn’t true, but I didn’t appreciate this so I spoke to the guy and explained I wasn’t happy with the things he was saying about my partner.
Pretty much immediately after I got a message from the female flatmate who was unhappy that I’d spoken to him about the things he’d been saying about my partner (I knew he’d been saying things because she’d told me, and she still talks a lot to her ex).
I got pretty upset about this because I just wanted to defend my partner, but my partner doesn’t think she’s wrong in this.
He seems pretty upset with me at the minute over this flat drama and I’m not really sure if I’m the jerk. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“By speaking to him directly, it indicated you didn’t trust your partner or his flatmate to handle their business themselves.
They were open with you about what had been going on but you still injected yourself into a situation that, ultimately, wasn’t your business.
If the ex is being a jerk, you talking to him was never going to change that. All it did was give him more fuel to add to the fire, as it makes you look insecure.
You owe both of them an apology as though you have the right to feel your feelings, it was a jerk move to get involved in a business that wasn’t yours.” curious_seahorse1
Another User Comments:
“Completely NTJ, but you’re very insecure about your relationship and that’s something you might want to work on. Someone who felt comfortable with their partner wouldn’t care what stupid rumors some flatmate’s ex was spreading.” DplusLplusKplusM
Another User Comments:
“So quick recap: Flatmate and ex had a toxic breakup. Ex was saying negative things about your partner to the flatmate. The flatmate shared this with you and you messaged the ex asking him to not do this?
If this is correct, then you unnecessarily put yourself in a place that didn’t concern you.
Your partner is his own person, let him deal with it unless he asks you to (which would be a jerk behavior).
Soft YTJ, good intentions, poor execution, and downright awful communication.” AceTriton
Another User Comments:
“I want to say everyone sucks here, you less than everyone else.
What’s being said about your partner has an impact on you obviously, so no one can say it’s none of your business.
I do think either your partner or the flatmate should have been the ones to address it though, as you are collateral rather than being directly attacked.
In saying that, them being mad at you is super suspicious. Why do you matter less? They cut him off, he spread lies, and now they’re mad at you?
WHAT?” Rahrah5625
10. AITJ For Not Letting My Friends Borrow Money From Me?
“I’m 21F, my family owns a lot of land and businesses in a suburb that is also a middle-low socioeconomic area. I always have at least 100 grand in my bank account. I’m also incredibly isolated, the few friends I’ve made around the area are not from a wealthy background.
So outside of my small family, I have no one to travel with, no one to go to nice restaurants with, and no one to go on ski trips with. But I understand it’s not appropriate to feel bitter about these things.
So I’m generally happy to accept the activities that are within my friend’s budgets.
Things just get difficult when they sometimes expect me to subsidize them on the budget outings that we do take.
It’s never much, says like $40 for a couple of drinks. Or $30 for an entry fee to the spa. Which is nothing… but I always decline. Because I don’t want to set a precedent for the relationship and I don’t want to build any resentment towards them.
I rationalize that the activities that this friend group chose should be within their means and that I should be expected to pay my share and nothing more.
Which inadvertently leads to their resentment against me. They always talk about being flat broke, sometimes literally having a negative balance in their account. Then they will see my house or Instagram and scoff about how I have enough funds to very easily help them out, but chose not to.
This is true, but I just want to be equal.
In an emergency, I once lent money out to one of my friends. My mum insisted on a contract but I refused and that friend never paid me back and never spoke to me again. Which really hurt me emotionally.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You are not the jerk for not wanting to be a piggy bank. They are not jerks because you ‘always decline’. You made a rule to make you comfortable and you made it unilaterally.
I am doing fine-ish and I’ll spot my friends $30-40 on the regular if we are grabbing drinks or having an outing.
Your friends feel weird because you are being a bit weird about this in terms of stringency.
But, separately from my judgment, I might have a bit of fairly rare insight for you. Throw it on the pile right? For what it’s worth, I literally deal with this problem for a living. This kind of thing is one of my main functions.
Your whole post/situation is so very complicated. You are not the bad guy/girl here but you are creating a blanket rule set you are comfortable with and, when others clearly detect it, wondering why it is that they resent it. People in the comments seem to come from one world or the other in terms of what animates their judgments and advice.
I work, for my day job, as a personal assistant to a very wealthy guy. I have worked for him for 15 years. I have been his assistant for about 10 of those.
We are friends. Good friends. He stood with me amongst my other friends at my wedding. This is to say we are close and work hard on good boundaries.
I have watched his friends and/or entourage ebb and flow through many cycles.
My boss has a desire to not be around other wealthy people. He finds them to be generally judgy and lacking empathy or sympathy. He lived for most of our time working together in a similar way to your situation.
Background settled I want to say something to you about how you see your wealth.
You were born into this. Your family is the talk of the town. You can buy whatever you want within reason. You have never been hungry, had to suffer without dental care or a vehicle, or wonder what could come at you next that you couldn’t pay for.
That is a very rare and very weird thing.
You don’t often notice it the same way I don’t often notice being left-handed or being a twin. It only comes up with context (except that being a lefty has zero benefit best I can tell!)
As for your family giving someone a job? Well, the work isn’t a gift. It is an exchange and your family has benefited more from it than the people of the town or you wouldn’t have so much income disparity.
That’s just a fact.
You gave them work and they made you rich. The rest is just spin. A fairy-tale told by business owners across America to justify why it is good and righteous that they are so prosperous.
I own my own business (on the side) but I never have the gall to claim I am a ‘job creator’ or that I am doing them a favor.
My business (a bar) is doing great despite the health crisis and it is all attributable to the literal human life hours spent by them working for my benefit. If anything I owe them. Not the other way around. Never believe that work is a favor. It is work. You exchange money for time and anything further is distorted and can lead to some pretty terrible behavior.
My great employees create more work because they are amazing. That brings more money for my product and space which means some of that gets diverted to seeking more staff and so on.
If that trajectory continues I will still reject any claims to my special status as an owner.
I just opened a cocktail bar… they keep it rolling and growing and it benefits me more than them.
Now, onto your friends. They are broke compared to you. You don’t want to feel used. Solid. Respect that boundary. Learn to say no.
But that tension you feel between you is the ‘price of admission’. They feel it too. When they are about to lose their home or have a cracked tooth or a baby on the way.
You only ever have to feel uncomfortable when declining. If they push too hard you close it down.
‘It is our responsibility to one another to be good friends but I am feeling a bit used and that won’t stand with me. I won’t help with this.’
Also, try and consider all of the times they don’t ask you for help.
It’s inconspicuous at the moment but try and recognize it.
‘Yeah, sorry if I am a bit off. My tooth hurts today. Hey, do you wanna go swimming later?’
Tension will occasionally arise but keep it in context.
You get an incredibly rare occurrence of wealth and opportunity. You get power and respect far beyond what you individually are worth or have earned because our culture and many others confer them to the people who have wealth.
This is not to say you are not deserving of your good share of power or respect. All people are deserving initially. You are deserving. This is only to intimate that the additional amounts conferred upon you are a cultural sham.
Now, you owe no one anything but pretending that you have peers with your rule set is naive.
You have decided to be where you are in your little town. Now decide to be as good a person as you can be whatever that means to you. Don’t be a sucker and don’t pay for frivolous stuff (unless you just wanna!) but make sure you do what feels righteous. Leave goodness and improvement in your wake.
Happy memories and a tale of firm but kind character.
The long and short of it are as follows: you have some inborne distortions you need to clear up. I literally deal with the giving side for my employer professionally who hangs out exclusively with regular folks.
The last tangent I swear: let’s invert this question.
‘I have a friend that is fabulously well-to-do-do by all standards but has an overly firm boundary with all of us regular and lower-income folks about paying for anything extra. They simultaneously wish to be treated as ‘one of us’. But their life is so wildly different and it feels like they get all of the benefits with none of the costs.
It feels weird and we all kind of periodically resent it. We know they shouldn’t have to pay more than their fair share but it’s hard not to feel slighted when we are all struggling.
Are we the jerk?’
Are they? Nope, it is just a sticky wicket and you are sort of policing their feelings to preserve your own in fielding this generalized question.
You all get to feel weird because it’s a weird situation. That constant prickle on the back of your neck when you are around them is wealth inequality here in America. Imagine what they constantly feel upon their neck? Build up your empathy and sympathy. But, keep great and clear boundaries. You cannot help everyone.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, technically because I do believe in personal boundaries and if these are boundaries that are comfortable for you, then who is anybody else to tell you not to set those?
I do have to add though that you do sound like a jerk in general and may want to find friends that match that energy.
My friends and I have always taken care of one another when the other is down. Our friendship is more like, ‘negative balance? I got you. What do you want for groceries? You need gas? You have rent?’ and vice versa. I’d never leave my friend’s flat broke if I got it like that.
Although you don’t seem like the most caring or giving friend, like I said, I can’t technically say YTJ for wanting to set boundaries. I would however maybe find friends that are of the same financial status as you.” dosesndmimosas
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
But not because you don’t lend money to your friends but for being friends with people you don’t care about and being judgmental (based on your comments).
Friendships shouldn’t be transactional – but most do involve give and take. And what another person said about people with less money sharing more is absolutely true. You don’t want to lend money because you’d feel used. Period.
You need to go find new friends. Ones with more money. You can’t possibly be the only well-off person your age in your town and if you are, then learn to travel.
You don’t like these people at all, they are only your friends because those are the people who are available. That’s not friendship. If you liked them at all, you wouldn’t truly care about fronting $30 here or there or helping a friend. You being so deadset against it means you don’t really like these ppl.
Find new ones.” WickedAngelLove
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you can do whatever you want with your money, I had a friend like you in my early 20s, half of us were homeless and he was given 2 houses before he was 20. He used to just pay for us to go to the expensive things if he wanted us to come.
So if you want your friends there then simply pay as the burden is so much less for you, if you’d rather have your money then just keep it.
People will remember it because poor people share funds quite a bit. In my experience, poor people are more likely to pass the same 20$ back and forth to help out than anyone who comes from a rich family.
If you want your friends to act like rich people then be friends with rich people, if you don’t want your poor friends to resent you then start reevaluating how much the money actually means to you. You can’t act like a rich person and keep poor friends for long as it will start to rub them wrong on a moral level as morals change from rich to poor (for a lot of reasons).
That friend from the emergency probably didn’t speak to you as they couldn’t afford the payback and was afraid you’d value the money over the friendship (or they ripped you off but that’s much less likely).
If you want poor friends then at least respect the principles of poor people (which includes more generosity) so they won’t build understandable resentment or go find rich friends to be rich with.” Wingnutmcmoo
9. AITJ For Not Giving A Customer A Discount?
“I work in a small cafe-type place in a shopping center. I had a customer order a roll, then she added a salad and a drink. I gave her a total which was $21.40. She holds her hand out and says she only has $21. I told her I was happy to put back the drink and then her total would be $16.90.
She said she wanted the drink so I told her the price again and she told me she didn’t have the remaining change.
I am just a casual employee so I have no authority over the running of the shop so I told her that I cannot sell her all the items without the correct amount.
She got angry with me and said that she had been moving house all day and was starving and that I should be sympathetic. I told her there was a supermarket a few shops down that is cheaper but she insisted on having the items ordered from our shop. After a lot of back and forth, I caught the owner who was on his break and he said that she could if she paid it back another time.
She threw the money she had at my till, grabbed her food, and left.
AITJ for not sparing the 40 cents?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – why didn’t you get your manager/owner in the first place and tell him the situation?
Part of working in hospitality is learning to be hospitable, which involves taking an extra step to provide exemplary service.
If you’re not prepared to take this step, then an industry change should be considered.
In most situations an owner reads this as someone new moving to the neighborhood that could potentially become a regular, and instead because you gave them a hard time about 40 cents, they may never return again.” Jamie_inLA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you don’t have discretion over prices, there isn’t anything you can do. And before anyone says OP could cover it personally, some employers will fire you for that, and if OP covers stuff like that all the time, that could significantly reduce their income at a job that likely doesn’t pay much anyway, not to mention it isn’t OPs responsibility even if it would be a nice thing to do if it were possible and practical.
If the customer asked nicely, that would be one thing, but the passive-aggressive, then later simply the aggressive way they went about it was awful. As well as the lack of acceptance when you said you couldn’t change anything.” fffangold
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If a person only has $21 and they are ‘hungry’, they don’t go to a cafe for food, they go to a cheap fast food place or the supermarket where they can get a whole lot more for $21.
This customer is an entitled jerk. I mean, why would she even think it is your problem that she had been moving house and that she was hungry? She could have planned ahead and made sure she had cheaper food.
This is what a lot of morons don’t understand. Sure, it was only 40 cents, but they don’t realize that if you let several people off from paying the full amount, the, till will be short several dollars by the end of the day, and the manager, will hold staff responsible.
You did the right thing and you handled yourself really well. I would have told her to put the drink back and buy a bottle of water or get lost.” WarLazy7979
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but the customer and cafe owner are jerks. If you can’t afford it, then put the item back. Or tally the item prices and factor in tax and avoid the situation altogether.
If you said it’s $21.40, then it’s $21.40. How very presumptuous for her to think otherwise. The cafe owner is corny for not supporting you. Why would they, as a business owner, say ‘sure you can choose whatever price suits you and pay the difference later.’ That’s a poor decision and sends a bad message.
The lady will probably never pay back that 40¢, she may come back and pull the ever-hated ‘you/they let me do it last time’ nonsense and any customers who may have overheard this now have the idea to pull the same fast one. As if it isn’t already hard enough for raggedy customers, your job has been further complicated for what?
40¢, a shame. If it becomes a pattern and starts noticeably affecting the bottom line you know the first he’d ask is where all his money is going and probably blame you and the rest of the staff.” One-person-book-club
8. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Stay Away From One Of Her Workmates?
“My (26m) SO (23f) started a job a few months ago that she really enjoys. I’m pleased she’s found somewhere she enjoyed. I noticed recently she started mentioning one of her co-workers quite a lot and she came home last month with a bracelet he’d made for her.
I wouldn’t have had a problem if he had done this for everyone but it was just her.
Then I found out he’d gotten me confused with another colleague’s partner and it’s become a running joke he makes that is pretty much at my expense.
He’s commenting on her social media posts with this joke and I’ve told her it makes me feel uncomfortable the fact he’s talking about me and I’ve never even met him.
I said I would appreciate it if she keeps her distance or at least tell him to stop making jokes as he seems interested in her as more than friends.
She said it’s not up to me who she talks to and he’s just a friend.
AITJ for asking her to keep her distance from him?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re within your rights to voice your discomfort about his constant belittling ‘jokes’, as she herself should be telling him to knock it off – especially as he is taking potshots at a man he hasn’t met (which just reeks of trying to one-up you) – but ultimately, you can’t police who she hangs out with at work
Any healthy relationship needs effective communication and trust. Trust that she isn’t interested in this dude, and communicate your concerns in a calm, rational manner so she understands why they bother you, so she takes them into account in her interactions with him. In return, show her that she can trust you by not being insecure about this dude.
YWBTJ for trying to police your SO’s friendships. Instead, communicate better.” curious_seahorse1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is exactly how affairs start. Two people become infatuated with each other. They start spending more time talking and begin sharing inside jokes, particularly at the expense of their significant others. When their partner verbalizes concern they brush it off or gaslight them.
The part that’s concerning isn’t that she has a male friend. It’s that they are talking more, talking outside work, sharing jokes at your expense that she can’t quite explain, and are open about it on social media. It’s clear their emotional intimacy is increasing and they don’t care who knows it or who objects.
Then on top of it all, he’s giving her handmade jewelry and they’re planning to meet up in a group outside work hours to socialize. That’s usually a prelude to spending alone time together. All the signs are there and you’re astute enough to notice them. Were you invited or is the conveniently a ‘work only’ gathering?
It’s clear to me that your SO is not finished seeing people. The question is how long you’re going to allow her to continue down this path while brushing off your concerns. You either need to go ahead and break up with her or the two of you need to take a temporary break, to think about what you want out of your relationship (not for her to get going out with this guy out of her system).
Right now she’s all caught up in the infatuation with a shiny new guy. You need to jolt her back to reality and force her to make an informed decision about what she wants rather than just stringing you along for God only knows how long and subjecting you to an actual affair.” theloveburts
Another User Comments:
“I’d say YTJ but she is not regarding your feelings. Now the bracelet thing could just be a friendly gesture it doesn’t mean he necessarily has interest and I wouldn’t worry about it honestly. But when it comes to the joke it could just be a silly harmless little joke or it could be something more but whatever it is after you explicitly stated that it makes you uncomfortable and that you wanted to know what the joke was she should’ve at least told you.
Also, like others have said, you can’t tell her not to interact with him at all over a bracelet and a potentially harmless joke (which to be fair she should tell you what it is).” Mobile_Plays
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You are the jerk for telling your partner to quit seeing people.
Anyone. You should never tell your partner what to do. Even if they can’t be trusted or their friends make you uncomfortable, you have to let people make their own decisions and their own mistakes.
I can totally understand why you’d feel uncomfortable and I would’ve said not the jerk if you’d just spoken about it and left it at that, but you can’t tell her to keep her distance from someone.
In my opinion, people need to leave to make their own decisions because sooner or later the truth will come to you. ‘If you love them, let them go’ is so cliché but is so true, because if you leave your partner to their own devices and they respect your trust, then they’re a keeper.
If you leave them to their own devices and they bad-mouth you, talk about you behind your back, lie to you – then they’ve shown their true colors, and the quicker you can get them out of your life, the better. It’s a harsh take OP but I think everyone is deserving of putting people around them who they can trust.” Kellalizard
Here's the thing. You're both young. And you aren't married. Some of the rules are different here. You should be allowed to voice your concerns and walk away from the conversation feeling better...not worse. She's not alleviating your concerns, nor is she explaining anything that could put your mind at ease. You have every right to ask and she has every right to say "no". But this should be your answer. Because she should have at least taken action to show you that you are important to you and your feelings matter. And she didn't. That's your answer. You are having a gut instinct and something seems off and fishy about this friendship. Don't tolerate it. She doesn't have to tolerate being told who she can be friends with, you don't have to tolerate her having a friendship that makes you feel bad.
I'd leave. If you are important to her...she might wake up. If not she can go be with this guy til the next new shiny guy comes along and you will have dodged a bullet.
Best of luck
7. AITJ For Blaming My Mom And Aunt For Having Diarrhea?
“I (16F), my mom (43), and my entire family went on vacation to celebrate my mom’s birthday. The entire trip, my mom and aunt brought back food that was fried and high in calories. Days of fun on vacation went by and I woke up one morning with an upset stomach. Obviously had to use the bathroom.
I texted my mom afterward and said I had an upset stomach. I was also crying because of the pain, she asked — why I was eating high-calorie fatty foods. I responded with ‘you guys bought the food’. She called me into her room and said I was blaming her for also being disrespectful. My intention wasn’t to ‘call her out’ or be disrespectful.
I stated the obvious, but for some reason, I still felt like a jerk for how I worded it, and I was guilty of asking for hot chips. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If she is providing the food that led to you not having enough fiber to hold yourself together, as your mother, then God yes it’s her fault.
And you pointing out that they bought the food you ate is just starting a fact.” toofat2serve
Another User Comments:
“Like, WHAT, you are right. This is silly. It’s no one’s fault, not yours or your mother’s, that you got diarrhea. And clapping back and calling them out when they tried to blame you seems right to me.
NTJ.” Feeling_Ad_5309
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I get sick every time I go on vacation. Maybe she got that food because the options were limited or whatever… either way take some Imodium, stay hydrated, and eat bland foods.” Constant_Shop3265
6. AITJ For Telling My Mom My Brother Doesn't Like Her?
“I (17f) am the favorite child, it is extremely obvious. I know it, my brother knows it, and anyone who spends any time around us as a family knows it. I have asked my mom outright if I’m the favorite and she says yes. To be extremely clear, me and my brother (19m) are very close, he is the most important person in my life and my closest friend.
We are also both mentally ill, with mine being more apparent, and he has always been the person I tell first about everything.
My mom (50something) caters entirely to me and literally gives me whatever I want. I’m kinda spoiled. She doesn’t hang out with my brother and rarely even talks to him, I literally have to remind her to hug him.
She is also very emotionally manipulative to both of us. So he has understandably distanced himself. The other day they got into a fight which happens a lot (also she only gets sad if I’m mad at her and not really if he’s mad at her) but she asked me if he hated her or like didn’t like her.
And I told the truth, he doesn’t like her. Now she is very sad. AITJ?
EDIT: My brother is doing great, by the way, the stuff with our mom doesn’t affect him that much and he has a very secure support system outside our family.
EDIT PT2: The asking if I am the favorite was like a year ago and I haven’t really brought it up since cuz I don’t like her either.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Now she gets to reap what she has sewn by showing clear favoritism towards you. Good for you for standing up for your brother and calling out your mom for toxic behavior. She deserves to feel sad.” MissKrys2020
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, except for the brother. You called your mom emotionally manipulative but ask her questions like who is her favorite, you’re both as bad as each other but your brother is the one caught in the crossfire.
I hope he can get out of the web of nonsense and have a chance at nontoxic relationships. Stop setting fires and asking if it’s hot.” GloveImaginary4716
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and mom is a jerk. Mom’s ways are obvious, but you keep fostering the fact you are the favorite child by straight-up asking. I feel sorry for your brother.
‘He has a very secure support system outside the family’… Family should be his best support system. So where is dad in this equation or did he get the same treatment?” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you and your Mom both are playing the same game and the only one it hurts is your brother.
If you really love him and are closer to him than anyone, why aren’t you trying to close the gap on how differently you’re treated and maybe try to help make their relationship a little better? It kind of seems like you’re doing the opposite and egging her on. The way you talk about your family dynamic makes it sound like you love being the favorite, spoiled child, more than you love him.” 0dteSPYFDs
5. AITJ For Ranting About How I Feel?
“We have been on a 3-month course together and have exchanged numbers.
There is me, Amber, Leah, and Deon. Amber and Leah have got pretty close during the course and seem to message all the time after class. During the course, none of them has messaged me and I’ve only had one call from Amber and Leah.
After our graduation, they haven’t messaged me so I decided to message them.
Deon responded but Leah and Amber didn’t. I waited for 24hrs and there was still no response. The girls have both texted Deon a couple of times so it’s just me that they haven’t responded to. I posted a vent about how I felt like they didn’t care about me and made me feel awful.
I think Amber found the post as she liked it then unliked it as I didn’t follow anyone and I think she sent it to Leah because she messaged me soon after I posted it.
Leah messaged me and said ‘I was working all day’ and ‘Are you ok?’ Leah only works until around 5 pm.
Later Leah said that ‘it was childish and to delete it’ and ‘That I’m making it up for attention.’ Amber was annoyed that I posted it. Is it that hard to message someone back? Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You went on a rant after 24 hours? People don’t always have time to respond.
Or they see a message, tell themselves they can respond later, and then forget. It happens and it isn’t the end of the world. 24 hours isn’t that long unless it’s an emergency.
I think you might be expecting too much, probably because you’d do it for others. BUT not everyone thinks or acts the same as you and that can be a hard lesson to learn.
You also may have played up their involvement in your life—you view them as friends and they could see you as more of an acquaintance. It’s not wrong, just life.
I hope you’ll find friends that view the friendship the same way you do.” Throwaway-2587
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t let people dictate how the things they do make you feel.
If they felt they didn’t want to reply, they could’ve said so instead of leading you on with this false illusion of friendship. For the folks who are bound to respond by saying that ‘not replying is a response’ grow up, lack of communication in an amicable relationship is toxic. To anyone who may disagree, they clearly only respond to negative feedback but not a friendly message.
When called out the excuses come flying. So again NTJ, get better friends.” Zx_Lycanthrope
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. They can choose the people they’d like to respond to; they didn’t choose you. You may have been close during your course, but that doesn’t mean the closeness will continue when you’re outside the course. Don’t let your feelings about yourself depend on whether someone you interacted with for three months responds to you.
Your childish vent would make me way less likely to respond to any messages from you in the future because you sound very needy.” TemptingPenguin369
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Yeah, they’ve obviously lied about the reasons for not responding, you are not entitled to a response ‘I showed you my friendship, plz respond?!?’.
The post about your hurt feelings was on the immature side. You can absolutely feel how you’re feeling, but an ‘I’m sad anyone wanna chat?’ rather than airing dirty laundry goes a long way.” Rahrah5625
4. AITJ For Using The Kitchen Early In The Morning?
“I’m a Muslim, so I was preparing my late-night dinner (i.e. suhur) for my fast the following day.
On typical nights, I just drink some soy drink, but I didn’t have any tonight. So, at around 3:40 AM, I began preparing my meal. By preparing, I mean microwaving some leftovers and washing the food’s containers. I tried to be as quiet as possible, but that didn’t work because suddenly, my roommate came down and started being passive-aggressive.
He began by asking if I needed any help and then if he should order something for me, all sarcastically (obviously). I realized what he was doing, and I apologized for causing any noise. He then told me to look at the time and promptly returned to his room.
AITJ? Or, more accurately, am I a jerk for doing what I did?
I never told my roommate that I’m a Muslim, but I didn’t have the energy at the time to explain Ramadan to him. I can’t completely blame him either for being annoyed because I’d probably be the same if I were in his shoes.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Unfortunately, sleep is something that is needed, and being woken up isn’t fun.
However, as someone whose religion is constantly shoved away and told it doesn’t matter/is inconvenient you have a right to your life and beliefs as well. Fasting is a difficult thing to navigate and you did your best to not disrupt him.” NassyV_12
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you were doing the dishes and sounds like other things that made noise too.
I think it’s perfectly fine to go into the kitchen and grab something to eat quickly and quietly. Using the microwave and cleaning dishes is too much. This isn’t about religion, I would say the same if you were coming home from the club, etc.
Happy Ramadan!” Soso_8555
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for observing your religion, but since it came up now, you should probably apologize for the disturbance and then explain that this is necessary for you to observe Ramadan.
If he gets aggro about it again, then you know you’re dealing with a bigot and can act accordingly. Personally, I’d guess he was startled awake, has no idea why you’re making all this noise, and reacted like any guy might in that situation when they’re not fully awake and have no idea why you’re disturbing the house at 3 am.” fourleggedfishfood
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Don’t make noise at 3:40 a.m. in a shared living space if others are sleeping. Prepare food during the hours when people are awake.
Edit: Wanting/needing to prepare food in the middle of the night for a whole month is something that should have been disclosed before the lease was signed.
If they still decided to live together, maybe OP could have gotten a small microwave for their room. Or maybe OP could have taken the bedroom closest to the kitchen. Or maybe the roommate would have planned to sleep at his partner’s house for most of the month.
Regardless, the roommate is NOT a jerk for being upset at kitchen noise at 3:40 am.” User
3. AITJ For Telling My Parents I Didn't Ask To Be Born?
“I (27F) came from a culture where we have absolute respect for anyone older and we can’t talk back to our parents.
I was born when my parents (66M & 57F) started to earn much more money and I can say that we’re quite well-off now. Growing up, I’ve never been close to my parents due to the culture and my mum was a workaholic.
I live in a different country from them now and have been for 7 years.
We had a disagreement last week and they started bringing up irrelevant things like how hard they work to give me a good life and how much they had given me/taken care of me and now not only did I not call them often, but I also dared to talk back to them.
At this point, I got very fed up as they did this every time.
I told them: I’m allowed to have an opinion. I respect their hard work, but I didn’t ask to be born, so please stop complaining about how hard it was to bring me up, (making me feel guilty to be alive to be honest). They have to accept that we’re not close at all, so I don’t talk much to them.
I told them they could call me, but they said their children should be the ones calling. They generally don’t care what kind of a person I am, what I like, my partner, my life in general, etc. It’s a sad reality I have to accept and it was the sacrifice they made working so much for the money.
I don’t blame them and it’s just the truth.
My mum started to cry hysterically calling me disrespectful and insolent and stuff. My sister said I should have just kept silent like always instead of making a scene as they were getting old. I felt very bad for making mum cry and maybe I should have worded it differently or kept my mouth shut.
So AITJ?
I already apologized to them to keep everything in peace.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think it’s a cultural issue and truly a misunderstanding. Your parents work hard to support their kids and put their needs in the backseat in doing so, therefore they have a feeling you ‘owe’ them. You’re not wrong in saying you didn’t ask to be born, but at the same time, if they provided for you and made sure you didn’t lack for anything growing up, you should realize you are lucky to have such responsible parents.
This kind of generational rift/misunderstanding is quite common to be honest. Your parents probably don’t know how to exteriorize their feelings or show their love for you other than making sure you are well taken care of financially, and nagging is their way of pushing you towards what they feel is the right direction (a well-paying job, marriage, kids, etc.).
I think this is a situation where both sides need to communicate and compromise. Your parents are old and probably set in their ways, I’m not sure you can change much about the way they behave now. I don’t blame you for getting mad, but perhaps approaching the issue when you are calmer would yield better results.
I’m suspecting you know all this and mostly needed to vent… That’s okay.” marnieeez
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your culture sounds horrible, but that’s how your parents were raised so they really don’t know anything else. You should be grateful that they gave you a good life. I don’t see why it would kill you to call and see them once in a while and try to have a relationship with them.
That said, you DO have the right to your own opinion, you should be allowed to speak your mind and they should take an interest in your life.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I’m 100% on your side! I’m really disappointed in your parents. First, they give birth to you, then they flash the classic ‘I took care of you so well, and this is how you repay me!’ (They did the bare minimum to be honest) And lastly, they allowed you not to have an opinion?!
Look, I’m from India, I relate. You’re not the jerk, don’t feel bad. You just stood up for yourself. Your parents are clearly Narcissists.” Impressive-Gate3074
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – for making a lame argument to your parents. ‘I didn’t ask to be born’ is absolutely disrespectful and insolent. Name a single person or life form who has the ability to ‘ask to be born’.
You are an adult so if you expect to be treated like an adult then don’t give a childish answer.
I agree that ‘You are allowed to have an opinion’ and as an adult, you have to recognize that your parents also have an opinion that is different from yours. It seems that they did work hard and support you so an adult won’t discount that as ‘irrelevant things.’ Maybe they didn’t live up to your expectations of what you consider support but from what you said it seems they didn’t abandon or mistreat you as a child.
Instead of confronting them with your issues, you become passive-aggressive and cut off contact with them to keep them out of your life so you won’t have to deal with the hard discussions to get to an understanding with them. Your last statement about them accepting that you don’t want a relationship with them is basically telling them to get lost. I don’t see how on the one hand you can ‘respect all their hard work’ they did for you and then blow them off like they did nothing for you or meet your expectations.
I would say your parents are at fault for treating you like a child and your response is to act like a child
Your parents and you are both adults. If you truly want no contact and you feel there is no way to mend your relationship with your parents then you should arrange a time to talk this out and be prepared to tell them you don’t want any contact.
It is the adult thing to do.” ChewyRib
2. AITJ For Expecting A Part Of My Significant Other's Injury Refund?
“My partner injured himself on faulty installations at a hotel. As it was the hotel’s fault they agreed to pay for expenses (we did not ask for damages). The expenses were: a full refund of a hotel stay, hospital expenses, pharmacy expenses, and reimbursement for non-refundable plans we could no longer keep.
As we paid 50/50 for the hotel, and he received a full refund, I expected to get back the 50% I had paid for our stay. I said if it were me, I would have refunded his money. He believes I was wrong in asking for my money back as he was the one who got hurt, and the money was for his suffering.
But he didn’t receive damages, just a refund of expenses. Note: I am only talking about half the hotel for which I paid, not half of the total amount. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and please ignore that one guy constantly commenting on people’s comments telling them you’re wrong. You both paid for the hotel, and the hotel was at fault for inconveniencing your trip, therefore they refunded your stay (+ paid for expenses).
Your half of the hotel funds should go back to you. It doesn’t matter who got injured, put that aside and think of it this way. If you had complained because something fell or broke and ALMOST injured one of you (but didn’t), you would have gotten a refund and there’d be no question as to whether or not you get your half back because of course you would.” Legitimate_Avocado_7
Another User Comments:
“Was this offered by the hotel or part of a personal injury settlement?
Either way – YTJ. If it was offered by the hotel, they did that so they could then not be held liable for personal injury. It’s often cheaper to just offer that and hope someone accepts than have to pay out a settlement later.
Either way, however, it was itemized doesn’t matter. You had no reason for reimbursement right? You weren’t injured. If he hadn’t been injured you wouldn’t be wanting a reimbursement right?
As someone who works in a personal injury law firm, I see this all the time. Someone is about to get money and one of their family members or SO feels entitled to that money.” dracopalidine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If there has to be an argument over finances/expenses like this then you are associates at best and not intimate partners/spouses. You shouldn’t have to ask him to refund you for your share of the hotel cost because sharing at least some of the refund is a fair/kind thing to do for your partner.
‘Hey, I’m sorry this hotel accident ruined a part of our trip. Thank you for being there for me and going to the hospital with me. Here is your share of the hotel refund’.” User
Another User Comments:
“At the end of the day if that’s your partner you shouldn’t be arguing over money.
Your relationship is all wrong if you expect him to give you money at any time in the relationship. While in a serious relationship, your money is his money and his money is your money (to an extent one shouldn’t take advantage of) instead of arguing you both should have used that money to have a nice dinner or other necessities.
So you are both jerks.” saitamaisgod
1. AITJ For Ruining My Coworkers' Work Schedule?
“I work in an office setting that requires me to travel, sometimes last minute. I’m one of the busiest people and can’t remember the last time I was able to take a day off that didn’t end up with my work.
I have two coworkers who technically make up my ‘team.’ I do more work in one day than they do all week.
I’m fine with that and forgive them for taking advantage of me but one of them, ‘Samantha,’ had the audacity to ask me to start helping her, specifically with covering the office when the other office staff ‘Renee’ is out.
I refused on two counts – that would mess up my hybrid work schedule because the days that I can work from home would be spent in the office.
If I’m helping out in the office for Samantha then Renee is going to expect the same. That’d led to both of them ‘tag teaming’ with taking time off at the expense of my work-from-home. Renee just took a week off two weeks ago.
The other count was they don’t do anything for me. It’s just extra work.
As soon as I was asked to do this, I asked Samantha if she was going to help me with A, B, and C. She said, ‘that’s not her job.’
So I sarcastically told her to go to HR over my not wanting to cover the office when one of them is out. Not surprisingly she did.
I did speak with HR and said I was annoyed that I am busy as I am and now I’m being asked to basically give up my work from home (2 days at home) to accommodate two people who do nothing all day. That led to a meeting with the three of us.
The end result was that I was asked to cover the office when they’re out and just for their lunch period but Samantha now has to come in five days instead of four and Renee has to work normal business hours instead of coming in early and leaving early.
Plus they have to ask me if I need help. I’m not too concerned about losing my work-from-home benefit because I can just change the days and I made it really hard for my coworkers to take advantage of taking time off.
My coworkers are annoyed that they lost so much over my resistance to helping out one day in the office.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, stop being so accommodating to people who take advantage of your work ethic! You WILL burn out while saying ‘it’s okay I’m soooo busy look at all I do’ meanwhile you’ll get passed up for a promotion, they won’t and you’ll be burnt out, resentful, and tired with a lousy pay raise to boot.
Seen it way too many times.
Too bad they didn’t like actually having to work but you carrying 70% of the load while barely can manage 30% was completely unfair. HR saw that. Help them with what is REQUIRED of you in your job description. Period. Anything more asks for training pay or start saying ‘I’m not really sure to ask this supervisor, ‘oh I wouldn’t want to give you the wrong information try looking it up in your notes/in this stationary book/’ whatever.
Don’t willingly sell yourself short!” TisThee_Reason
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Sounds like a totally toxic team dynamic. And I’ve been working for enough years to have encountered lots and lots of people who think they are the only ones in a place that work hard and that everyone else is lazy/useless.
It’s never as simple as that so I’m highly suspicious of your claim that they simply do nothing every day and that you’re the one carrying your entire team.” ImportantRevenue6063
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Regardless of how much they do or don’t do, if you all have clearly defined responsibilities, it’s not your problem if she needs help with her job, especially if you’re both at the same level (sounds like you are).
Sounds like HR just said instead of none of you helping the others, you all gotta help each other, and you made the best of the situation. Plus you didn’t escalate it, she did.” ersahtzz
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Honestly, you sound like you absolutely suck.
Everybody is making sound points about why they are jerks BUT… ‘I do more in a day than they do all week’ is an extremely pompous statement.
If they did nothing all week why would they even both have jobs if one person could cover it all?
You totally blew up their whole schedule because you didn’t want to change yours (which is fine, but you didn’t have to be such a jerk about it).
I’m the lowest paid and totally bottom of the food chain at my job and if someone I worked with spoke about me the way you speak about them I would go to HR too…” losingconsciousness
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