People Are Confused About Themselves In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Questioning An Aggressive Text Message?
“So I have a conflict I’m trying to resolve and need external opinions on who is the jerk here.
Here is the backstory:
So the conflict begins with our downstairs PlayStation 3. One member of the household, I will call him Bob, notices something is keeping him from being able to log in to the Netflix app.
We have the PS3 setup with multiple local accounts, and the only way for Bob to log in to his Netflix account is by being in his local account. One day he opens up the PS3 which auto logs into my local account, sees he is not able to log in to Netflix then sees that because the Netflix login is showing my PSN e-mail I must somehow be trying to use their Netflix without permission and am messing up their Netflix in general (that isn’t true of course.
The Netflix app login automatically shows the e-mail of the PSN account associated with the logged-in local account regardless of whether that e-mail actually has access to Netflix).
So the other person, let’s call her Jillian, finds out about this (she’s my father’s partner) and misinterprets the situation as Bob does, gets angry, then sends me this text:
‘Please do not create any account and put a password in the Netflix/TV in the front. You have no business and should create an account for Netflix that Bob’s paying. I need you to delete your account in the front room tv…And don’t do that ever again..!’
Ok, so this text from my perspective is just so incredibly disgusting. For one, she automatically assumes that I must be tampering with Netflix and am therefore in the wrong. “Have no business”…really, is that what you have to say?
This is especially offensive because I am known for always sticking to what I know is right. I have never logged into Netflix, that is just the PS3 showing my info because the wrong local account was logged into.
Next, she wants me to delete my flipping account. Now the fix is easy (to change which local account auto logs in, or just switch the local account at startup), so we have no need for that.
Also, I play games on the PS3. I use my local account for my PSN account, and I already have permission to play games on the PS3. Last, she tells me to “never do that again.” I didn’t do anything in the first place.
So basically this text is loaded with a bunch of bull crap assumptions put in a really aggressive “I didn’t think about anything, screw you” kind of way.
So the next day I talk to Bob, we set it straight, I fix it, and we’re good (Bob and I are always cool but he also sometimes assumes things about what I do, but doesn’t get angry about it just waits for someone to solve it).
He tells me he’s noticed she gets extra annoyed at the beginning of the month, and it makes me give her a little more credit, but I’m still not ok with what she said. At that time we do agree that he will talk to her and that I shouldn’t talk to her.
Well, being me, I wrongly broke that promise and still wanted to make sure Jillian and I were personally on the same level of understanding. So the next day I talk to Jillian just to resolve it between us personally.
I tell her, look, you misinterpreted what happened, so can we prevent this from happening again in the future? Think about the possibilities of the situation and don’t just assume the worst and then go about and get loud and make assumptions about me in a text.
Now I was very calm in this argument throughout, never trying to offend her, but then she EXPLODES on me and starts telling me how wrong I am, how much of a baby I am that I “can’t take” her at her worst, and literally throws EVERY insult that relates to my own insecurities which have nothing to do with the actual conversation.
She says how “you have the audacity to come here after a long day, when I haven’t thought about this at all today, to give me an ultimatum not to text you? Well, guess what, if you can’t handle me at my worst you sure don’t deserve me at my best, if you can’t then get out of this house.” And my response of course was that I just meant any overly assumptive texts like the one she sent me.
Not once did I insult her or attempt to spark aggression.
It was the most ridiculous reaction I have ever seen in any argument I have ever been in. She says she showed the text to her daughter who said it was “fine” or some crap.
Well, guess what, for those who know of MBTI (Myers–Briggs Type Indicator), both she and her daughter are ESFJs so of course, you both are blind to what you’re actually saying. (I’m an INFP personally.
I think thoroughly about everything and when I know someone is in the wrong I know it, but maybe my perspective here still is wrong).
Also, remember Bob told me in our original conversation (before I approached Jillian) that it could be that it’s that time of the month for her/her period (and that he has noticed she gets in this mood at the beginning of the month), which makes it even harder for me to gauge this.
Because while she’s known for going out of control, it’s still extra messed up even for her. And when I showed the text to my dad even he said: “there’s nothing wrong with it, yeah that is something I would have said too” (he’s an ISFJ so he also has similar thought patterns to Jillian).
But my dad was there for the huge argument, and he took my side and was totally not ok with her outburst of insults and anger.
So this leads to her going into full panic loud aggressive mode and I’ve been avoiding her for days, she even texted me again saying that she broke up with my dad and it’s “all because of me…congratulations!” (but every time they “break up” they just get back together again for various reasons that are too much to get into right now).
So, am I the jerk here, or what? My personal conclusion is that while I made a couple of mistakes in my handling of the situation, I wasn’t actually a jerk while she clearly was.”
Another User Comments:
“All this over a PlayStation no one knows how to operate.
You’re not the jerk in this situation, reading this story I’m getting a feeling you’re still young (teen/young adult) so let me just tell you how I would handle this for future reference since it seems like you’re in a weird living situation.
You have to pick your battles no matter how right you feel like you are because there are some people in the world like Jillian that you can’t reason with or just don’t see things like you do.
In this situation, you could have avoided everything just by fixing the PlayStation situation and letting it be EVEN THOUGH you know the people in this story were being unreasonable. It might have felt like you were being attacked or slighted but don’t take it personally, sometimes people are going to respond emotionally and you have to play the cards right not to make the situation worse.
If you would have just fixed the issue and let it be everyone would have completely forgotten about it and life would have moved on, but now you got this weird friction in the household.
This person probably felt attacked because 1: they were in the wrong in the first place and could have fixed it themselves and now they look stupid, and 2: you called them out on it and essentially scolded them for not acting like what you think an adult should act like.
It sucks that some people can’t be reasonable but if you pick your fights for something worthwhile rather than stupid stuff like this you’ll be a lot less stressed out. Don’t trip. man, just let stuff be and it’ll blow over and next time change how you go about bringing up your grievances because not everyone is going to be thinking logically like you, and understanding this will help you to figure out a calm resolution.” Dontkillmyvibe
Another User Comments:
“I feel like you’re leaving things out otherwise I have no idea why you posted here. You narrated this story in such a way that obviously nobody is going to say you’re a jerk.
I wouldn’t say you’re a jerk, but you definitely shouldn’t let your pride get the best of you in these situations. Just let the small things go and arguments like this can be avoided.” mattmaldo807
Another User Comments:
“Nope, not the jerk. Anyone who uses the “if you can’t handle me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best” line is an automatic bat-crazy jerk who can screw right off.
You did nothing wrong and she clearly can’t take responsibility for making a mistake or admit fault for anything.” HMJ87
15. AITJ For Thinking $1600 Is Too Much To Pay For Damage I Didn't Cause?
“For context, I have a couple of roommates and one of them shares the garage with me – he keeps his rarely driven luxury car in it along with my Camry.
Sometime in the past month (roughly early August) I had a few different people stay with me for various reasons, during which time I had more passengers than just myself, and in late August (at least two weeks later) my roommate discovered that somebody had opened my rear door too much and it hit his car, causing some paint to be chipped off (around 4mm in diameter).
I have no clue when or who did this but it likely was somebody that was visiting – it definitely wasn’t me since I don’t sit in the back but I will take responsibility for my guests.
He notices this and brings it up to me – he says he will go get an estimate on it, I apologize and ask how much he thinks it will be, he has no idea but I just throw out a number of $300 that I would be fine compensating.
He goes and gets a quote from his favorite body shop, they tell him they need to repaint the whole piece (rear fender) and reblend the paint on the entire side of the car, a total cost of $1,600.
He tells me this and I am shocked at how serious he is – I suppose we live different lives with different priorities, but I can’t fathom spending such an insane amount to fix such a small paint chip.
However, it’s his car and that’s what he wants to do and I can certainly respect his intentions but feel this is just such an insane amount.
One morning he says he wants to take it to the shop the next day, then heads off to work and so do I, not saying much after.
I decide to send an email telling him that I’m trying to be reasonable and kind here, but $1,600 is just insane, our garage is not a showroom, we have people walk between our cars every day, and the car isn’t covered, something like this has a chance of happening.
I regret what possibly happened with my friends/family doing this and increased the amount I’m willing to pay to $500, but that’s really as high as I’m going. He then decides that insurance is probably the best way to go about this, so I send over my information but I’m not really sure comprehensive covers things like this… in any case, I sent things over but haven’t heard if it worked or not.
Later that night he and his partner come home (they both live here), my roommate walks right past and the partner comes up to me and says what I’m doing is wrong, that I should have apologized at the beginning, and offered my insurance information.
I state how I didn’t know this happened (and neither did they) for several weeks, and even now I can’t see the paint chip from five feet away. Also, the insurance was just brought up today and I sent over the info.
Now we have an insanely toxic relationship in the house, nobody talks to anybody and this has just made things horrible – I went to a concert last night but couldn’t enjoy it because I kept thinking about this whole thing.
Assuming the insurance route doesn’t pan out, is it reasonable to expect me to dish out $1,600 due to something like this? Or $500? Or anything? I’ve heard the full range from people, I’d like to crowdsource this thing to see what the universe thinks.
I’m also trying to dig down to the actual truth of the situation and (trying to) paint it as a black-and-white situation, but really can’t. I think the core of this to me is that I don’t really care about minor blemishes on my car, having an immaculate car stresses me out so I’d rather have a few dings to relax about it – clearly my roommate sees things differently.
And if it were something else, like a shirt, tie, appliance, or something (or if I wrecked the car for some reason) I would happily replace it, because they are entitled to own that thing and I would have ‘taken it away’ by breaking it.
But for something like this, where the car functionality was not affected and I STILL can’t see the chip from a few feet away, it’s just not an expenditure I can empathize with and $1,600 is a lot of money…
So then, AITJ?
EDIT: I spoke with my roommate over text today to try and clear things up, stating how I felt it was unreasonable to expect perfection to be maintained in such an environment.
Not to mention our other roommate (that is sadly caught in the middle of this) stated that if he caused this then he couldn’t afford $1600, or even $500 and that he had casually spun his keys around or slung his backpack inches from this car on many occasions.
We had no idea that a $2k bill would come up from such a minor mistake. My roommate didn’t take that well, stating that somebody needs to make him whole with this and that he will not pay for damage not caused by himself.
Not really sure where we’re going with this now, insurance has been contacted but I’m not optimistic for the outcome.”
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like you are doing everything that you reasonably can to take responsibility for your guests’ mistake.
$1600 is kind of absurd for a bit of paint to fix a chip, but whatever, it’s a luxury car. I don’t think that anyone is a jerk in this situation, but it’s pretty ridiculous that your roommate is this obsessed with his luxury car, yet keeps it unprotected in a small, shared garage.
He needs to realize that things like this happen and that you are doing your best to make up for it, reasonably.” fifthpilgrim
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Seems like he’s trying to screw you over.
A small amount of touch-up paint is all that would be required to fix a scratch and most dealerships sell touch-up paint for maybe like 20-60 bucks. Cars get dents and scratches all the time.
If this had happened in a parking lot he would just buy the touch-up paint and get on with his life but because he knows it’s your responsibility he is trying to suck out a bunch of money from you.
I would go to the dealership, buy the touch-up paint and give it to him. If he isn’t happy with that then tell him to screw himself. Not the jerk at all, he is the jerk.
Also, how does someone getting into a back seat of a car dent the rear fender of the car if they are both in a garage next to each other? They would have hit his back door, not the fender.” radseven89
Another User Comments:
“I think you’re being very reasonable. Obviously, I’m no expert, but I think the understood rule is that you (meaning the car owner) find the lowest estimate if you’re expecting someone else to pay for it; but that’s just what I’ve seen from court shows.
It kind of sounds like either your roommate is being ripped off or he’s trying to rip you off.” amandatea
14. AITJ For Being Concerned About My Baby Shower My MIL Is Throwing?
“I’ll start by mentioning that I don’t have a great relationship with my MIL.
It’s not a bad relationship it’s more that we have very different personalities. I am more of an extrovert while my MIL is more of an introvert. She can come off as quiet and cold but I’ve learned that that is not the case.
Even still she and I will never have a super close relationship and I think we are both ok with that.
Here’s the story:
In October 2018, after a year of actively trying my husband and I found out I was pregnant.
A week later we find out it’s twins.
At Christmas time my MIL approaches me about having a baby shower for me at her house with a small group of her friends and family.
I thought that was extremely sweet and nice of her to offer and made a point of letting her know.
Well fast forward a couple of weeks and my husband and I are in the middle of setting up the cribs when my MIL calls to speak with my husband.
Once the call is over he comes in to tell me that his mother has decided that instead of having the baby shower before the twins are born she wants to have the baby shower shortly after they are born.
Naturally, my husband wanted me to be on board and excited about this but I told him I had some concerns.
First off, we are first-time parents and to twins no less. I have no idea what life is going to be like after they are born.
Plus, there is a chance I’ll be recovering from a C-section (which I did) and the girls might have a NICU stay (which they did for 11 days). Add to that the fact that we would be packing them up and driving the hour and a half (one way) down to my MIL’s house so all her friends and family can see the girls and I imagine hold them and snuggle them.
And before you ask there is no way she would ever entertain the idea of having the baby shower up in our neck of the woods. She and some of her friends are not a fan of long drives.
I told my husband I appreciate the offer of a baby shower however I am not sure I am ok with this new change. Especially when it wasn’t something we even discussed with his mother.
She just arbitrarily decided on this change.
It is a lot easier to attend a baby shower while pregnant versus recovering from a c-section with two newborns.
I left it that it would be ok but I couldn’t commit to a timeframe until after the girls are born.
I made it clear that the first month after birth was not possible.
Well, my MIL got extremely offended when we mentioned the concerns we had. All my husband and I wanted her to be aware of are the variables that come with having the event post-birth.
Unfortunately, my MIL didn’t really listen to what we had to say and just took our concerns as an excuse to not have the baby shower. Between that moment and when the girls were born my MIL wouldn’t speak to me.
So the question is, AITJ for voicing these concerns or should I have kept my mouth shut with a smile on my face and gone through with the baby shower?”
Another User Comments:
“If the babies are already born, then that’s not a baby shower, that’s a “we all want to hold the babies” party.
A baby shower (aside from showing love and support) is supposed to help the mom-to-be prepare for the baby by stocking her up. If the baby is already born, then the mom probably has everything already and doesn’t want to cart home a bunch more stuff.
And as everyone has said, NTJ for not wanting to pack up your c-sectioned self and your newborns to drive to someone else’s house so all her friends can hold your brand new babies.
But if this happened a while ago and it’s still bothering you enough that you need internet advice, then I think you need to talk it out in therapy or figure out how to move past it.” baffled_soap
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
A month is very reasonable. Having family/friends stop by to meet the babies is one thing, throwing a party so germy people (as all people are germy) can pass them around is another.
You’re also right that you’re going to be in no state of mind to travel with two babies. I have a one-year-old and an infant and even going to the store is a chore. I can’t imagine being one-month postpartum, sleep-deprived, and with two newborns.
It’s also inconvenient for you because baby showers are literally to “shower” the baby with gifts. If the babies are already there, you’re going to have to make purchases that the shower could have helped with.
Not that I’d bring that point up, but the shower is clearly not being held with your interests in mind.” asdffdsa2316
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had twin boys and even though we had a date picked out for the shower, I had to change it because it was the same day my husband was taking his family to a baseball game.
There are a ton of baseball games but my MIL had to go to this one. Fine, whatever.
Then my boys arrived 6 weeks early, spent 9 days in the NICU, and got out of the hospital just 3 days before the new shower date.
At that point, I was drained and stressed but felt like I couldn’t back out as my MIL and mom were so excited so we hauled two newborns to the shower and I had to play hostess at the same time.
I was a complete mess, don’t remember much about the whole event and had a breakdown in the middle that only ended when my husband arrived and was able to calm me down with the help of my cousin/BFF.
Don’t have too many good memories from the shower.
If we had had it on the original date I would have been able to enjoy it and I’m honestly still angry at my MIL over it.
Seriously, there are 162 baseball games per team each year. She didn’t have to go on that date.
If your family/friend is expecting twins/triplets/whatever, please please please plan the shower way before the due date.
Like at least 2-3 months before. That way the soon-to-be mom can actually enjoy it!” helpthe0ld
13. AITJ For Being Annoyed With My Partner's Passion For Music?
“So for the past few days, my partner got a new phone and has been playing with some kind of music app around me in which he’s mixing songs together. I’m hating every minute and gently encouraged him to finish a song and then play that for me, rather than practice around me because some of what he’s doing just sounds awful and some sounds really great.
I go to a college with a lot of music theatre majors who tend to go around singing in the hallways, which the rest of us at school find profoundly annoying. Sometimes my partner can be really dense, and I’ll tell him something and he just won’t listen.
I’ve had to explain to him what my major is at school about five times before he finally knew what I was talking about.
Anyway, after he didn’t listen to my requests for him to wait to finish a song to play this around me, I decided to be more clear, however, I was also kind of mean.
I said, “Flipping musicians don’t care that nobody wants to hear them practice.” And explained that I’m subjected to practicing musicians daily and don’t want to be subjected to this at home. I was already annoyed at him when I said this because he had taken me to the dentist in my car and didn’t have a ride back home.
He wanted me to drive him home, and I said “What was the point of you driving me today? It was to not have to drive today. I’ll get you a cab, but I’m really disappointed you did not think this through.” He thinks it’s not a big deal because he got me where I needed to be and figured he would figure the rest out as he went along, but that kind of thing makes me wonder if he’s even a reliable enough person to be my partner.
I know he doesn’t do a very good job planning ahead for anything. I feel like I should have asked a friend for a ride, I have friends who are so much more reliable than he is.
So today he texts me that I need to be more sensitive to him about his music. I really offended him with the ‘flipping musicians’ comment. I feel like I’m being generous by calling him a musician when all he’s doing with music is playing with a new app on his phone and he gave up on bass guitar years ago.
We’ve been together since May and if he had thought he was a DJ in May I wouldn’t have started seeing him. I have always hated the guy at the party who thinks he’s a DJ and has no real skills.
He knows already that I don’t like when a person doesn’t play an entire song and keeps skipping and that’s basically what he’s doing with this app. I’ve also said “Remixing a song is like admitting you were wrong” or “Why would they remix this song, it’s perfect in its original form” and other such things, so he does already know that I don’t like this sort of thing.
So which one of us is the bigger jerk right now? I know I’m a jerk for using harsh language and knocking his passion, but I also think if he’s so passionate about making music, why didn’t he do anything like this before he got a new phone?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Jeez, just re-read how you talk about the guy. The words self-righteous witch come to mind. If you don’t respect him then end your relationship, I don’t really get how you could possibly consider yourself in the right here given you recognize yourself as being mean.
Also, the comment regarding remixing is in my opinion, and clearly given how widespread the practice is in the music industry quite a few other people’s, full of crap. Collaboration and creative cross-pollination are why artistic movements exist, an artist who declares that their work would be impossible to be improved by being examined and critiqued by others won’t have ever released an album because hint, hint: mastering is a thing.” EgoCraven
Another User Comments:
“Well, this one has some twists and turns. My notes:
-
People grow. They develop new hobbies and lose touch with old ones. This may be a growth phase. Maybe he’ll stick with it and get really good, maybe he won’t.
-
Why can’t he put in headphones? This seems like the simplest and most direct solution.
-
It’s one thing to not like certain aspects of a person, and another to not like the person. Figure out where you are and act accordingly.
You might need to reevaluate the relationship.
It sounds like you might be half a jerk.” S*****************e
Another User Comments:
“You’re not a jerk because he’s not a DJ. If he’s taking himself that serious about being a DJ when all he’s using is an iPhone app, then you need to take a step back and look at who you’re really seeing.
It’s more than likely just a phase.” stevenunya
12. AITJ For Kicking Someone Out Of Our Media Project Group?
“Okay, so this was a while ago. Possibly even 5 years ago at this point. But the effects of my decision still linger on in how the other guy treats me, so I want to know, was I the jerk?
We were around 17/18 years old working on a Media project where we had to create a film trailer for a hypothetical movie which would make up around 50% of our final grade. I happened to be in the same class as my lifelong best friend, and we had enthusiastically dreamt of creating a live-action version of our joint favorite book series of the time (The Saga of Darren Shan).
We were both lazy and lackluster in most classes, but in this task, we went 110%. I temporarily dyed my hair to match the part I was cast for, he started learning extra features of the video editing software, I created a DVD Case and an accompanying Soundtrack (with custom CD box art) and a poster for the movie, and my friend started studying fight choreography to nail the fight scenes in our trailer.
We got a few of our friends to agree to act in it, and we even talked about filming the entire movie even though we were only submitting the trailer for class.
But then a couple of days into the project, our teacher informed us this other guy in the class was joining the group.
Just to clarify (as it is an important point in the story, not part of my decision), this guy was physically handicapped (wheelchair-bound). I mention this because as soon as we suggested he find someone else to work with (as he had differing desires for a project entirely), we got berated by others for discrimination and bullying, purely because he was handicapped. We relented and allowed him to join.
He immediately looked at what we had done and wanted to change key points of the trailer to be more drama based. He didn’t like the vampires from the source material (having never read the books, refused to, and instead based his knowledge off of our shorthand notes), so he wanted the vampires to be closer to those of Twilight.
My friend and I found it stressful, but couldn’t see an alternative. We continued as always, planning stuff out and researching. A day before we were supposed to shoot our first scene, he tells us we need to film at his place instead of the filming locations we found (and based the script around) near my friend’s house and my house.
Lacking transportation to his house 5 miles away, I apologized and said I couldn’t make it. He then informed the teacher during their weekly review session that I wasn’t making an effort, and I was locking him out of decisions.
I ended up telling the teacher there needed to be an alternative, as we had worked hard on our project, and lost all enthusiasm as we were forced into working with someone that was manipulative, overdemanding, and wanted to change our plans to what he preferred. My partner agreed it was for the best, and the other guy had to do a solo project (a much simpler one to account for the lack of a group, he ended up writing a mock magazine about music which he highly preferred).
Regardless, he treated me with disdain ever since, going as far as to spin the story that I just hated him and wanted to see him fail, and that the only reason my partner vetoed his presence in the group was due to me pressuring him.
Despite the mixed feeling amongst other students our age over what happened, we ended up thoroughly enjoying the project and won an award (as well as an A/A+ grade).”
Another User Comments:
“I think the real jerk is the teacher who threw a kid into a group after the rest of the group had already done so much of the project.
The teacher should have known that would upset you and your friend. Why didn’t this kid get a group the first day?” TheOutrageousClaire
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk at all. He wanted to change all of the work you and your friend worked on already.
Plus he didn’t even bother to look at what you guys were basing your project off of. He’s definitely the jerk here.” CapnGhosty
11. AITJ For Wanting To Spend Christmas With My Mother?
“For some background, my husband and I will finally be living together as of this December, following 2 years of long distance.
Last year we spent Christmas together with my Mom at her house. His family lives pretty far away, but he spent the days leading up to, and the days following with his family.
In my ideal world, we’d take turns doing Christmas with his family and then with mine, so it is technically his family’s turn this year.
However, my family is a mess, which complicates matters.
My Dad thankfully can spend it with two of his other daughters, so I don’t worry about him. However, I am essentially my Mom’s only child, since my full sister hasn’t spoken to my mom in about 10 years.
She is also a pretty big loner, so if I don’t spend Christmas with her she will be totally alone. Not my fault, but nonetheless something I have to deal with.
I just told my husband that I’d like to spend Christmas with my Mom and New Year’s with him and his family.
He can come with me if he wants, but if he wants to go see his family then I totally support that. He full-on freaked out. He thinks my Mom is manipulative and he thinks that it’s her fault that she is alone.
He also thinks she’s been behaving particularly badly lately, so he’s not exactly sympathetic to her.
I’ve tried to somehow please all people but my Mom doesn’t want to spend Christmas at his family’s house, so that’s out.
No one else can spend Christmas with my Mom.
The logistics also make it very challenging. I only get Christmas day off, so I’d fly on Christmas Eve and then fly back 3 days later. Flights are incredibly expensive, which is just depressing.
AITJ for choosing to spend Christmas with my Mom so she isn’t alone, and in doing so choosing her over my husband?
UPDATE: It’s really helpful to have an unbiased audience bc my husband and mom kind of butt heads, often putting me in an awkward place.
Both seem to think I am being ridiculous, and I feel pulled in 100 directions unable to decide which is fair and right.
I just called my mom and it went as expected… She said that after the way I handled our wedding (explained below) a few months ago she is not surprised that I would change my mind and decide to go to my husband’s family.
So essentially she is as ticked off/hurt as I thought she’d be. I pray that this isn’t the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. It was already pretty fragile.
My mom said that the last 20 years were a waste and that she started thinking after our wedding.
She said she is removing photographs of our family, and generally just disconnecting herself from ‘family’. I told her that it is only fair to take turns and she agreed, but somehow still said that she’s not surprised that I’ve hurt her once more.
The wedding: She maintains that she wasn’t involved in the planning of our wedding reception and that his family was. It was in their hometown, but it was also the place where my husband and I started seeing each other and lived for 3 years.
To make matters worse, I had about 10 family members and hometown friends, while he had about 30-40 family members and hometown friends. So yes, it was very lop-sided. But in all honestly, I just planned the darn thing by myself.
I am a loner (wonder where I get that from) and since my husband wasn’t into the details, I just did all the planning myself – they had very little involvement as well. It was a destination wedding of sorts, so I couldn’t actually meet any of the suppliers and it was all done online.
I couldn’t exactly take her to pick out the menu and cake with me when I did it all via email. Additionally, my mom was also incredibly mad that I invited the sister that no longer talks to her.
I don’t really talk to this sister, and I blame her for their falling out but if I had to do it all over again, I’d probably still invite her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Well, it sounds like the whole reason your mom doesn’t have anyone to “make the holiday great” is because she has systematically alienated them all, and you’re the only one who is emotionally vulnerable enough to put up with it.
So what you’re saying to your husband is, “My mom will make me feel bad, either way, but I’d rather go feel bad with her because that’s the kind of treatment I feel I deserve.” You’re rewarding your mom for being better at guilting you than your husband is.
After two years of living apart from your husband, I would be really mad that my wife would rather spend Christmas with her manipulative parent who treats her badly when we FINALLY could have a happy celebration together.
Add to that the financial stress of plane tickets, and I would have to wonder whether you’re ever going to stop enabling this woman, and if so, what that would mean for our future together.
This is coming close to being deal-breaker material. Not because of your mom, but because of what prioritizing your damaged and damaging relationship with her over your other healthy relationships says about YOU.” MonsieurJongleur
Another User Comments:
“Yes, you are the jerk.
Why are you choosing your mom over your husband? In a marriage, there has to be give and take, compromise. Things like alternating Christmases are normal.
You are worried about your mother and want to make special accommodations so that she isn’t alone on Christmas?
That makes sense and is the kind of thing a good daughter would do. Oh, she chose to not join you? Well, then I can only conclude being alone isn’t THAT big of a deal to her.
It also sounds like she may be manipulating you.
Bluntly, do you want a divorce?” drjacksahib
Another User Comments:
“Yes, you are the jerk. I see you called your mom. She is trying to manipulate you by making you seem like a horrible, ungrateful child.
She is the one in the wrong here and if she chose not to have a relationship with you then that is her loss. Just remember, if you constantly choose your mom you aren’t going to have to worry about having to choose for too long.” Viperbunny
Another User Comments:
“Yes, you are the jerk. The right thing in that situation is to extend an offer for your mother to join you, your husband, and his side of your family for Christmas.
You can spend it at her place next year as planned.
If she’s not ok with that then she’s asking you to choose. “Who do you love more?” That’s messed up. Not cool.” blechinger
10. AITJ For Leaving My Friend After A Bad Night Out?
“Alright.
Let’s say my name is Josh. Make it easy. I’m 16 for reference and a junior in high school.
So this happened tonight. I texted my friend – let’s call him Nate – asking if he wanted to hang out.
Sure, and he proposes that we go hang out with my ex who we’ll call Abby, and her friend Jane. I said “No” because I knew it would be awkward for pretty much everyone. Nate and I agree we’ll hang out at my house for a bit, and then figure out something to do.
I go and pick him up from his house, and as we’re driving back to my house, Abby calls him and says she and Jane are buying ice cream from Dairy Queen and asks if we want any.
Nate immediately says “I’ll have a Reese’s and Josh will have a chocolate.” He didn’t actually ask me. I tell him I don’t want anything. He offers to pay, and it’s not worth arguing, so I turn around and start driving to Dairy Queen.
Well, they were actually 45 minutes away at a different Dairy Queen. I drive there, just to not leave them there.
When we get there, Nate bails and says he was kidding about paying for me.
I pay up, but he knows I’m starting to get annoyed.
We then go into a Target to kill time. It was awkward. Very awkward. Abby and I didn’t really talk and it was a lot of silence.
I didn’t have a good time, and I told Nate, “I wanna just go hang out with some other friends or at least go back to my house. This isn’t fun at all for me.
It sucks.” He says “Okay, we’ll go to your house once we leave.”
15 minutes later as were walking out, Nate gets the idea in everyone’s heads we should go play laser tag. I groan and give him an evil eye.
“It’ll be fun. I promise it’ll be quick.”
We go to this place – I’ll just call it the arcade – that has bowling, arcade games, laser tag, a ropes course, and an assortment of other things.
We agree to just play a quick game of laser tag beforehand. When we walk in, Jane says we should buy the unlimited pass and do a bunch of stuff. The unlimited pass is $25. They all now want to buy the unlimited pass, and Nate is trying to convince me to pay for Abby, and he’ll pay for Jane.
I say no, and convince them to just do the one laser tag game. I go up and buy my ticket first. The three of them… go up and buy unlimited passes even though they said they’d do just the laser tag game.
We all go to the laser tag first. “We’ll play laser tag first and then just a few games.”
As we get right to the front, they see the ropes course, and run off and abandon me, which happened to be the time the door opened to the laser tag.
I was first in line and was ushered in by the moving line. I end up playing laser tag by myself and then sitting there at the entrance for half an hour cause I couldn’t find them (the place is BIG) and they wouldn’t answer their phones.
When they do come back, I glare at them, and Nate utters a quick “sorry”. As were walking out an hour later, we’re thinking of something else to do. It’s now been four hours. Nate wants to go hang out with some people in the theater since the show just got out.
This is where I draw the line. Hanging out with Abby was uncomfortable. Hanging out with the people he wants to hang out with sucks. I hate them and they hate me. It’d be terrible.
I tell them, that this night has been awkward and been mostly bad already. I’m not going to hang out with that group and make it worse. I say “Either, we can go hang out with Simon and Bob (my two best friends), go hang out at my place, or I’m going home.
You can find your own way home, or I’ll drop you off on the way back.” He starts arguing and telling me “It’ll be fun.” I finally just say, “You know what, go with Abby and Jane.
I’m leaving.”
They knew the whole night that I was not having a good time, and I was pretty angry that I was getting stepped on.
So I get in my car and drive home, leaving Nate to get driven around by Abby.
This was at 9.
At 11:30, I get a call from Abby saying she got pulled over and got a ticket for having too many people in her car (she just got her license and can only have one person in the car with her).
She blames me since I left her with Nate. But, she had also picked up another person, and it’s been 2 and half hours since I left. Now Nate, Abby, and Jane are all calling me a jerk for causing Abby to get a ticket.
So am I a jerk for leaving my friend after a crappy night for me, and then being a part of the reason she got a ticket?”
Another User Comments:
“These people aren’t your friends.
You’re in no way responsible for their actions or bad decisions. You were more than reasonable. They’re the jerks.
I wish I had known in high school that, bearing a permanent criminal record that follows you into adulthood, nothing matters.
Seriously. Other than your family, no one you know will really matter to you in 10 years, let alone 20.
Don’t be afraid to burn bridges with people who treat you like crap. Draw the line with this petty stuff and stick to it.
Make new friends if you have to. Just remember, nothing in your teenage social life matters in the long run. Have fun, take risks if you feel like it, embarrass yourself, be a jerk or be a wallflower.
As long as you learn from your experience that’s all that matters as a teen. There will be no permanent consequences. Don’t worry about rude dumb people not liking you. Or anyone else for that matter.
Most everyone you know now will soon be a memory. Make them good ones. Or at least interesting.” SlendersSuit
Another User Comments:
“As you get older it will be easier to recognize the times when you really, really, don’t have to do crap if you don’t want to.
You drove, paid, bought tickets, went places… all when you said you didn’t want to. Either you aren’t sure what you want (maybe there are Abby complications) or you have trouble standing up for what you want.
Try to decide what you really want to do with yourself and then don’t let anything else happen.
This one time I was at a party. I really enjoy talking to some of the people who are there, but most were not my style.
Early-ish in the night they start blasting really bad music and “dancing”. Word gets out that I am a good dancer – I’ve taken lessons in 1950s dancing but I can’t stand unstructured modern club dancing, and this music was really bad.
A good number of people tried really hard to coerce me to dance. Eventually, they were physically pulling me up to stand and dancing around me. Eventually, I figured they would never, never drop it.
I went to the bathroom to get a moment of peace, contemplated a bit, then just left without saying bye to anyone. I just quickly grabbed my shoes, went outside to put them on, and left. Because why the heck not?
It was early but I wanted to go home and I had better things to do.” Zulban
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did the right thing. Hopefully next time you won’t put up with that bull crap.
I suggest you don’t hang out with any of them anymore. They’re not your friends. Friends come and go. Don’t feel like you need to hold on to bad friends for the sake of having friends.” JungleReaver
9. AITJ For Causing My Friends Stress?
“I feel like I’m being a jerk to my friends.
I’ve been a part of their group for about a year, and to date, they’re the only people who I can confidently point to and call my friends. However, about half a year ago my depression picked up.
I frequently have fears about being abandoned by this group and reverting back to eating alone at the lunch table as I have done for basically my entire life. I’ve been hospitalized once and now I am seeing a school counselor for weekly checkups to ensure that I’m mentally well.
However, this fear is still there, and on a bi-weekly basis, I have breakdowns in which I’d turn to my friends for support and help. Although they are there for me I can tell that these breakdowns are taking a toll on them and that they’d now think twice before planning anything to ensure that I’m well first. I can definitely feel that there has been a change in our group dynamic – one that makes me more important than I used to be – and I feel responsible and to an extent guilty for that.
My breakdowns involve a need to be reassured that I’m still close to them, and they are a source of stress for the entire group. I have tried to alleviate this stress in many ways, including not turning to them for help as frequently (I call a hotline and use online resources) and not alerting them to the fact that I am about to use substances (I still do that on a frequent basis but I don’t want to alert them to it) but I still do sometimes need to talk to them and every single time I do that everyone in the group gets extremely stressed out.
I feel very guilty for making them stressed out and in response, I’ve tried to be there for them as much as I can, and I’d, on my own initiative, ask them if they were feeling okay and if it was apparent they weren’t, I’d try to make them feel better.
But I still do feel like I’m more of a burden rather than a member of this group, and sometimes I feel like the best solution to all of this, the best answer that satisfies everyone is to simply cut myself off from this group.
I cause a lot of stress and worry and I really do feel like I don’t give enough back. But apparently, people still want to hold onto sources of stress, and they pull me back in and act as if nothing happened.
I don’t know how to give back to them for being there for me as much as they can and I don’t know how to cut myself off in order to make everyone happy again.
I just want to fit in, and by doing so I’ve become an incredible burden on everything. I feel like I’m taking too much and giving back nothing.
So am I a jerk for causing so much trouble to everyone around me?
Am I a jerk for being me?
Please respond honestly. To be honest I am sick and tired of fake positivity. Thank you.”
Another User Comments:
“The internet is not a therapist. Your friends are not therapists.
The tolerance for supportiveness varies from person to person. Some lovers break up because one gets ill (mentally or physically) and the other can’t deal with it. Other folks find unlikely allies in their time of need.
Yes, there is such a thing as playing the victim too much. At the same time, depression cannot be switched on and off like a bulb. So focus on yourself, make sure you show your friends some appreciation once in a while (for their support), and try to fake some positivity for them.
Also, realize that those of us without any notable depression also get a little paranoid when our friends don’t reach out to us for every occasion. Hanlon’s razor is a crude way of saying “don’t assume people dislike you, they just didn’t think of asking you to join them”.
Long story short, no jerks here. Some friends may drift apart over time, just enjoy the time you do spend with them. Make sure at least half of the time that “hanging out” isn’t a selfish discussion about yourself.
Let a professional therapist hear the real you and work to find better ways to cope.
Best of luck!” UndergroundLurker
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you’re a jerk. But I wouldn’t think they were jerks if they got fatigued from the drama of hanging out with you, either.
It’s draining.
I don’t know how to tell you to get to a better place – that’s for your professional therapists. But I do know that eating alone is not a fate worse than death, and maybe it would be a good idea to desensitize yourself to the fear you have, once in a while.
Think about choosing to eat with someone who is currently eating alone, perhaps?
Before you can be a good friend to others, you have to be good to yourself and comfortable in your own skin.
Your friends have been there for you; how often have you been there for them? True friendship is a two-way street.
Good luck, random person. Try to get out of your self-focus and away from your fears.” smnytx
Another User Comments:
“I’ve been there. You need to find a therapist you click with, and see them often. I’d also encourage you to do everything you can to dissuade yourself from thinking this stuff.
Use your logical mind and remind yourself that these feelings are only that, feelings. This isn’t to say that they aren’t valid, just that they’re not ‘real’. There’s no reason to act on them, because you know, logically, that what they say isn’t the case.
You should also try to stop talking about it much with these people, because idk about you but with me, it was a major depressive feedback loop. It only makes things worse. It’s essential that you do all of these things, but therapy is number one.
Find one that you really work with. It’s worth the effort. Good luck, I know how terrible this situation can be.” dinoseen
8. AITJ For Not Being Interested In The Girl I Went Out With?
“This will sound immature, and that’s because I am very inexperienced when it comes to the whole relationship thing.
Prepare for some cringe.
Here’s some background info.
I have severely struggled with social anxiety and constant negative thoughts about myself and have been going through some weird stuff with family and questioning life and all that crap.
I’m your average angsty young adult, that likes games, programming, and metal and thinks he’s the best next thing. Until real life happens and I realize I’m just another kid who has much to learn.
She seems very self-conscious about her looks, her family is very traditional and I have the feeling they protect her a bit more than normal. She has been going through some existential crisis too. I’d rather not make many assumptions since we barely know each other even though I have a strong feeling that we both have VERY similar views of ourselves.
This may seem pretentious but the way I see it is she is like a female version of me, but in the past when I did not know how to control my anxiety. Silly, but it feels very reasonable to me when I think about everything that we talked about and both our reactions throughout this whole thing.
To make it simple, I take a more realistic approach towards my negative thoughts and try to see things from a “this is my head making stuff up” while she seems to let it get to her on a very personal, emotional level (Something I used to do a lot and still go back to doing when I let my guard down).
Now, here’s what happened.
I met this girl through social media and we agreed to go out for some crap talking, some walking around, and food. Simple stuff that wouldn’t necessarily imply it being a romantic outing as far as I knew.
I did not make it obvious that it was supposed to be that and I did not make it obvious that it wasn’t either, so that’s my first mistake I believe. My intention was to leave it as an open, lightweight thing where we would both decide, as mature people (or so I thought) if we wanted to go through with a relationship.
What happened was something a bit unexpected to me. Since we had never actually met before, and only talked via messages, I had no idea how her personality and looks were “in real life”. Via messaging, she came across as being a very controlled, smart, and fun person.
In reality, I quickly noticed she took her negative thoughts on a more personal level than I had thought. Also, and this is another part where I feel like a huge jerk, I did not feel physically attracted to her as I had predicted. The last came as a bit of a shock and I still struggle to wrap my head around the concept of me, a guy so self-conscious, giving that many craps about how someone looks like.
We were both very awkward, but anyone that has been through social anxiety will relate when I say that it makes a world of difference what you decide to do with your thoughts after they start showing up in your mind.
I took it all light-heartedly, aware that I’ve been struggling with this, and that there was not much I could do about it other than keep reminding myself to just let those thoughts go screw themselves and concentrate on having fun, and hope that she was doing the same in her own mind.
And it seemed that everything was going that way like that throughout the whole thing a very lightweight thing, which felt fine for the first few hours. We talked about a bunch of crap and had a good time until I realized it was dawning on her the realization that maybe I was not interested in taking it to the next level.
So for the rest of the day, there it was, two young anxious people, with different ways of approaching their mental problems. Both trying to hide the fact that one is interested and the other is not.
Then we both went home, after a crappy goodbye that felt like we just had small talk on public transport rather than having spent the whole day together.
Then there was me feeling like crap, being all worried about how I should’ve said something to make it easier for her, to maybe make it clear if she really was interested or if I was overestimating how interested she was in me, but then knowing if I asked it could’ve made the whole thing more serious than I had wished for.
I open up social media to go over our messages to maybe light something in me, to make me want to be with her, only to find she deactivated her whole account. Now yes, out of 365 days in a year maybe, just maybe she decided today that social media is crap and just helps you procrastinate.
But something in me worries that this is not the case. And now I feel like the crappiest jerk of all time.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I think what you’re feeling is wholly symptomatic of your negative tendencies.
You can’t reasonably expect yourself to be responsible for someone else, and your behavior on/after is completely appropriate, fair, and blameless. People go out to try each other out — that’s why people don’t meet and then immediately get married.
I know that the above won’t magically change how you feel, but I would encourage you to consider what you’re feeling now as your anxiety talking, and try to cope as you might normally in that situation.
Good luck.” ShadowMe2
Another User Comments:
“You can’t control who you are attracted to, that in itself doesn’t make you a bad person.
Why do you think she deleted her account? Did you guys just have an awkward outing or did you say something to her at that might have upset her?
You don’t need to be analyzing yourself to death here, either you said something straightforwardly jerk-ish or you didn’t.
If you guys just had a day out and it didn’t go very well, then that just makes you unlucky, rather than a jerk.” delta_baryon
Another User Comments:
“No, you’re not the jerk. This is the exact purpose of seeing people. If you find someone who seems interesting, you spend more time with them hoping to find compatibility. Sometimes you find compatibility, but most times you won’t.
That doesn’t make anyone a jerk. That’s just how seeing people works. Don’t string her along, make it clear you’re only interested in friendship (if even that), and you’ll be fine. It sounds like you hadn’t shown great interest in her to begin with, so that’s a plus.” D*******n
7. AITJ For Playing A Prank On A Guy Who Liked My Sister?
“This was about 10 years ago. I went to the same college as my sister and it was a fairly small school where, if you never met someone before, you probably both knew multiple other people.
I had a recitation class and sat near two other guys, call them Ed and Tim. Ed and I ended up becoming good friends. Tim was an alright guy but I didn’t know him well.
Ed knew him better than me since they were in the same major.
The TA for this recitation was a female graduate student we’ll call Wendy. For various reasons we didn’t like her much and often joked in private about her being disgusting or a psychopath (in reality she was ok, it was an unfair exaggeration).
Though Tim and Ed initiated it, they might not have thought Wendy was ok.
After this term was over I found out somehow that Tim had a crush on my sister, call her Rachel. For some reason, this amused me and I came up with a plan.
I told Ed and he helped.
Tim and I had communicated on AIM somewhat. After the term was over Wendy contacted me about something unrelated and I lied and said there was something wrong with my email, could you IM me?
So she did and I got Wendy’s AIM screen name.
Ed got on AIM ostensibly to chat with various people, including Tim and me, but Ed purposely chose a screen name very similar to Tim’s (there was a natural way to do this, given Ed’s interests).
Then I fabricated a message to Ed relating Rachel’s screen name and regarding some plans to go hiking somewhere, but “mistakenly” sent this message to Tim instead of Ed. And instead of my sister’s screen name, it was Wendy’s, the TA we didn’t like.
So from Tim’s perspective, he learned Rachel’s screen name by accident from me, not knowing I knew anything about his liking Rachel.
I never found out what (might have) happened and it was never mentioned again, but Tim seemed to be more reserved and inhibited around me after that, though it’s possible I’m imagining things.
And I realize now that, if he initiated a conversation with Wendy thinking it was Rachel, he probably would have tried calling her “Rachel” early on and figured out it was Wendy before he said anything embarrassing.
In any event, nothing ever happened between him and my sister.
Honestly, I had no problem with the idea that he wanted to go out with Rachel, I’m not that protective of her or anything.
But at the time I was entirely inexperienced with the notion of having feelings for a girl (yea I’m kind of weird like that) and saw Tim’s crush as a source of humor.
On the one hand, I sort of feel like a jerk and have some regret about it, since my social grace was underdeveloped, especially regarding relationships and I was motivated primarily by the idea of causing awkwardness between Tim and Wendy.
On the other hand, I feel I can regard it as harmless fun since Ed was so enthusiastic about helping and Ed was more socially competent than me and was on good terms with Tim, before and after the incident.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think that you were a jerk in that situation. All you did was “accidentally” send a message to your friend, and apparently, no harm came from it. Unless Tim is harboring resentment towards you about this incident (which I doubt he is since it really appears like an accident, and it’s been 10 years), then you aren’t a jerk.
No jerk is involved in this story (excluding the bit where you guys were mean to your TA for no real reason, but I sense that you understand that was jerkish of you).” fifthpilgrim
6. AITJ For Wanting To Lash Out At The Payroll Office?
“I’m 18 and a freshman in college and in the middle of September, I got an on-campus work-study job.
I started working in the middle of a pay week so I only got about half of the pay that I would have expected (The amount of money doesn’t matter in this situation). So I set up my direct deposit having 65% going into my debit card, and 35% going into a savings account for books and other school stuff next semester.
For some reason, the payroll office canceled my savings account before my first paycheck. No big deal really, I just got about $45 in my debit card and the rest came as a check in the mail a couple of days later.
So here’s where the annoying crap starts to happen.
The day before I get paid the second time, a pay stub goes out online. When I got home I went to see how much money I was supposed to get and when I checked, it said the funds were going into a credit card at a bank which I don’t have an account with.
My first thought is that someone is committing fraud and is trying to take my funds. This was at around 7 o’clock, so the bank and the payroll office were both closed and I went to bed ticked off.
The next morning (Friday), I called the payroll office and what they told me is that my account number was denied and that the credit card my funds were on was a student account that was made for me (I was never told about this until then).
So I set up my direct deposit again and the lady on the phone told me that the two account numbers were different (Being the one before it got declined and the one I just entered).
I checked what I just put in and it was correct. After I got off the phone, I called my bank and got on the phone with an extremely rude woman who kept interrupting me and telling me I wasn’t making sense.
I was told to call back on Monday. Today is Wednesday.
I got my other card with my money on it (thank god) and my direct deposit is good to go. However, I just got another email from the payroll office telling me AGAIN that the reason they canceled my information, was because my account number was wrong.
I’m sorry if I didn’t explain it before because I’m ranting, but the problem I have is, why did I get paid on my debit card the first week if my information was invalid? I was stuck between whether or not the payroll office or the bank messed up.
I am leaning toward the fact that the payroll office messed up and just canceled my information for some stupid reason, causing all of these problems. I have been getting countless emails about it and I’m starting to get sick of it.
I am about to call them and complain because it is absolutely ridiculous.
Am I the jerk for wanting to call them back because they have been messing with my crap?”
Another User Comments:
“Maybe splitting the check up caused an error?
Maybe don’t do that? Maybe find a new bank if this account keeps getting rejected? Talk to the person above the lady you talked to. Talk to someone above the person at the bank. There’s no way you’re at the top of the ladder with your complaint at either institution yet.
Remain polite. If you freak out you’re a jerk. It’s not really anyone’s fault when these things happen. You’re dealing with two bureaucracies, don’t expect what you want when you want it. Don’t even expect to get what you’re owed until you’ve jumped through a few hoops.
That’s bureaucracy.
State the facts to these people. Find the facts you don’t have. Figure out where THEY went wrong because unfortunately, that’s YOUR job as an adult. (Source: I am 25, learned this one recently.) Insist upon getting an answer, from both institutions, but remain calm.
Don’t give up when they turn you down, keep calling until you find someone who can help you solve the mystery.
No jerks here at all. The only jerk here is the concept of the bureaucratic process.
You gotta go back and forth and waste lots of time with these things. It sucks and you can complain to your friends all you want, just don’t take it out on the people who can help, no matter how hard they are to work with.
It’s probably the system that you’re really mad at. The people you need to help you don’t want to screw you over. It’s frustrating and annoying for them, too, and in their experiences, it’s probably usually the student’s fault if something goes wrong, so they might be low on patience, but if YOU exhibit patience and understanding, you can get what you need.” TheOutrageousClaire
Another User Comments:
“Call back, but be polite about it. It isn’t the rep’s fault. If you are rude, then you are indeed a jerk for taking this out on the little people.” hlbat
5. AITJ For No Longer Wanting To Help?
“Yesterday I met an old lady with a dog, crutches, and many heavy bags, she asked me to help her carry the bags to the shop nearby.
Okay, no problem. Turns out the bags were too heavy for her to carry home and she wanted to leave them in the shop until the next day, but the guy from the shop didn’t let her.
She was so distraught, that I told her I lived nearby and I could keep her bags overnight. She was very happy and grateful. She asked me if I could cook the eggs that were in the bag and perhaps buy her some cheap macaroni and cook it too since she didn’t have gas or electricity.
Sure, I can do that.
Now, today. I cooked the eggs and macaroni as promised. The lady did show up. But when I handed her the bags, she said she’d get them “next time”. I asked her to come in and have a seat, she asked if I minded if she ate some of the macaroni now.
I didn’t mind. But, when we were talking, it became clear that she has a more long-term arrangement in mind. She wanted me to give her my schedule so that she’d know when to come, and I would cook her eggs and macaroni (sorry that it keeps repeating, but apparently that’s all she could eat) and she’d visit a few times a week and pick them up.
And here’s my problem: I really don’t want to do that.
I’m a cynical person, but the lady does not seem to be a scammer to me. I don’t know if all she is telling me is true (about her illness, about lack of electricity and gas, that when she met me she hadn’t eaten for days and so on) but she’s definitely…well, old and not very healthy because of that.
She’s really nice and I don’t get any shady vibes from her. She insists on paying me for everything and offers to share her food with me, her clothes suggest that she’s poor, but she’s not dirty or smelly or anything like that.
She’s very grateful and sweet and generally seems like a nice person.
But. I really don’t want her to come regularly. In fact, I don’t want her to come at all. I was happy to help then, but, and I’m cringing as I write this, I’m not a charity and I didn’t sign up for this and I really don’t feel up to doing stuff for her on a daily basis.
I know it’s a weak excuse, but I’ve just emerged from depression, and even though I’m still on the brink of it, I can’t even deal with my everyday uneventful life, and the thought of having this responsibility is too much for me.
And I know it sounds stupid, calling this a “responsibility”, but not so long ago I would eat nothing all day because even making myself a sandwich was too overwhelming. And I’m afraid that the lady will ask me for more and more things to do for her.
So yeah, that’s it. Also, this may be relevant: my doctor says I have enormous guilt issues (that is, I feel guilty for everything) so if my reasoning seems weird to you, this may be the cause.”
Another User Comments:
“You are absolutely, definitely not the jerk. It’s ok to just help a little (though you helped a lot) and it’s ok to set boundaries on the help you can and want to give.
Let her know you’re just not in a position to give her the help she’s asking for but you’d be happy to call a senior center or meals on wheels for her. She deserves to get the help she needs from people equipped to give it and you deserve not to be in this position and to focus on your health and life without guilt.” needsunshine
Another User Comments:
“Wow, no you’re not a jerk at all. As rude as it might come off – I think she’s the jerk for expecting that from you – even if she did come off as somewhat grateful.
The fact that she wanted your schedule and didn’t really ask if this was something that you even wanted to do was wrong.
Do you know if she has any family or friends that could possibly help her?
Or local organizations that might be able to lend a hand?” misspetulant30
Another User Comments:
“You are not a jerk. Quite the contrary. You have helped someone above and beyond what would be normally expected. I’d just tell her that you’re glad you’ve been able to help but that it’s not something you’ll be able to do long-term.
Help her get her things to her home and go your separate ways.” nonstopflux
4. AITJ For Being Angry At My Dad For Not Letting Me Use His Gallery For My Birthday Venue?
“In August I’ll (F29) turn 30 which is a big deal to me because I was really depressed for the last 4 years and now, more than ever, I would like to really celebrate.
So I have already started planning my party since I pay for it myself, don’t have a lot of money and most cool things I’ll need I have to order online, they take a long time to arrive and the dollar is really high in Brazil right now.
That early planning will guarantee I can pay for everything without worrying and the party will be as I imagined. I wanted to do a 2001 space odyssey-themed party, but I would need a really dark space that I could transform and I thought that an empty gallery would be perfect.
So I called my dad to ask if I could use the family gallery (it’s nothing fancy, it’s just a house with an art studio and a large room for exhibitions) and he bluntly said I caught him by surprise because he had never thought of the space for being used like this so I could not do my party there, giving me crazy excuses such as “people put their feet on the wall when they smoke” and that the music would trouble the neighborhood, but it’s a commercial area, so…. it doesn’t make sense.
The party would be for 30 people maximum and he knows all my friends and that they are not animals.
After he said no I asked him to think about it and to come back to me later since he got surprised by the proposal, but he just said it was a definite no which made me really upset.
Like, why couldn’t he at least pretend to think about it and say no later since he knows how important my birthday is to me? Later, after I cursed him enough to get over the matter to my therapist and friends, he sends me a text saying my brother (19) got really mad with him because he felt that, just like me, the party wouldn’t be a problem and that he could have been more sensitive towards my feelings. He told me that hoping I’d be ok with him, like a moment to laugh about it and I said that I was indeed ok, had already changed my theme (lord of the rings: a shire party) and that my mom’s best friend offered her house to me, as she does every year for the last 10 years (what should prove that my friends are not animals otherwise she would not let me do it every year).
But he got hurt by that, said that his answer was still no, added a lot of other crazy reasons, and, on top of all that, seemed to be mad or in disbelief that I was really over it (I’m not an unreasonable person and I don’t engage in fights that I feel have no future).
Even told me that he would think again closer to my birthday disregarding the money and time to order stuff problems, making me really mad this time.
So, after all that, AITJ for being kind of angry and giving him a cold shoulder for a few days?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH, yeah, your party would probably not be as much of an issue as your dad is making it out to be. However, he has the right to say no. You’re going to be 30, you want to plan and throw a party which is understandable.
That said, he doesn’t owe you a free venue, be an adult and either throw the party at your place or pay like most of the rest of us.” smelltramo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is not a place to judge feelings.
Feelings are not judgeable and you’re entitled to feel upset. However, your father doesn’t owe you the use of his space, that’s a really entitled way to feel about it.” flagg6805
3. AITJ For Wanting To Play A Video Game Instead Of Hanging Out With My Parents?
“Some background: I’m addicted to Destiny (multiplayer first-person shooter video game).
Can’t stop thinking about it. I want to play all the time! Unfortunately, I can’t play any time I want because it’s my roommate’s Xbox1 and I can only get a lot done when he’s working and I’m not.
Which is Thursday and Friday evening and Saturday and Sunday.
My mom and I (23F) are really close. We share just about everything with each other and are sometimes more friends than mother/daughter. I moved out in June because of my brother and dad and it was good timing for my friend/roommate who was moving out.
For the first few months, I was really good about going over once a week for laundry and to watch the shows that I normally watch with her. October has been tough though. I went out of town, started a new job (in addition to my 9-5), was helping with my best friend’s wedding, and, of course, playing Destiny.
I haven’t been over in at least a few weeks.
THE INCIDENT IN QUESTION: The new hard mode raid came out recently and I’ve been trying so hard to beat it. This is my first fps (first-person shooter) so I’m not very good.
I’ve had a friend who has very patiently been helping me get through it, but we still get people who rage quit because I keep dying, which I take very personally. I played a few hours on the raid Thursday and Friday and was planning on beating it yesterday, thinking I had 4 hours til my roommate got home and might jump on Halo.
We originally had plans to play scary games with our other friend and drink and have a good dinner as well. Well, he got home and I still wasn’t done. He was totally ok with it though.
I’m 4 hours in at that point, stressed/tense as heck, feeling like it’s totally my fault we’re not being successful, and really tired too. We’re trying to beat the final boss and I had just died and we wiped to start it over when there’s a knock on the door.
It was my parents. No call or text warning. If it was any other time, I’d have been happy to see them. But I was like a deer stuck in headlights. I didn’t know what to do.
I told my group to hold on a sec and someone bounced. I was so torn I was about to cry. I’m 6 hours in and so dedicated to just getting it over with.
My mom said that it was fine!
They thought about calling and realized at that point that they should have. At that point, they left.
Then today I figured since I didn’t have plans, I’d go do laundry there and hang out.
My mom didn’t answer her phone so I called my dad and he said my mom was sleeping but to come on over for laundry. I get there and go see my mom and she looks sad and tired. Come to find out she hasn’t gotten out of bed all day because she hasn’t stopped crying about last night.
She said she wanted to surprise me last night and thought I’d be really happy to see her, but that I looked “disgusted” that they showed up. She said she didn’t say she was upset the night before because she didn’t want to make a scene.
She had expectations (hang out, see my place cuz she hasn’t been there in a while, have me take a picture of them in their costumes), and was devastated that I disappointed her because I’ve never been the source of that kind of negative feelings for her.
Is this just a messed-up situation where we both should have done something differently? Am I the jerk for not telling my team that I had to go so I could spend a bit of Halloween with my parents after they came over unannounced?
Thanks for any input.”
Another User Comments:
“Maybe you’re not a jerk, but I think you could have handled the situation well. It was a holiday, it isn’t as though they’ll be visiting in costume all the time.
Destiny is just a game, and you could pick it up again tomorrow. You did say you don’t have much time to play, just Thursday and Friday nights, plus weekends, only 4 out of the 7 days a week.
Chalk it up to not being experienced living away from home for long. Also as a side note, something else I picked up on was this “I was really good about going over once a week for laundry and to watch the shows that I normally watch with her.” Going over once a week to take care of things that you need to do isn’t exactly the same as just stopping by for a visit just because.
If you’re still local enough and you have a great relationship with your parents, which it sounds like you do, don’t change things much now that you have moved out. OK, that’s just my two cents.” mattempirelic
Another User Comments:
“Hey, Destiny is my first fps too, and I know exactly how you feel… I’m working really hard to get to 310 light at the moment and when someone knocks on my door I pretend I’m not in sometimes.
So no, you’re not a jerk and your parents should have called ahead. It’s confusing for people who don’t game to understand that yes, you are leaving real people hanging when stuff like this happens.
Good luck with the raid!” EeveeAssassin
Another User Comments:
“Yes, you’re a jerk. Your video game will always be there. Your parents could die tomorrow. Spend time with them while they’re all still alive. Your Xbox won’t even notice.
This is the best example of technology taking over. Your life is not video games but you’ve somehow let them become more important than everything else, including the people you have in your life. That’s pretty gross.
You should be ashamed that you treated your mother like that.” thisismeingradenine
Another User Comments:
“You only get one mom.
I get that you had expectations to finish, but if you were at a stopping point, and someone else logged off… Spend time with your parents.
Sounds like she took it super hard. I would plan something for just you two to reconnect/make up for it a bit.” redthoughtful
2. AITJ For Reporting Two Of My Colleagues?
“I was working a 4-9 shift in the shop I work in, along with three other members of staff, a team leader (TL), and a manager. I was working the tills, which in my shop is a long desk with three tills on it.
The space behind it isn’t particularly big, about 1.2m (4ft) wide at a guess. This gets used for returned items, as a holding area for big/bulky/heavy stuff customers want (saves them carrying it around), and so on.
It is my job at the end of the day to ensure this area is as clear as possible (particularly for health and safety reasons).
Here’s Person 1.
I’ll call him N. He was working the main floor section and started at the same time as I did.
Now we have an internal phone system where each section has its own phone, along with the duty manager. I came on, gave both him and me time to get ourselves going, and then gave his phone a call to let him know he had stock to go back out.
He told me he’d get it as soon as he’d done some pricing, which is fair enough. This was about 4:30 pm.
Skip forward to 5:30 pm and I hadn’t even seen N around. I gave him another call and reminded him about the stock.
He told me he’d be down ‘shortly’. I also did the same at 6 pm as it was pretty much dead by this point but I couldn’t go off my till to do them as I was by myself.
8:30 comes and still, this stock was stuck behind my till. Now at this point G was sitting at the end of my till doing paperwork, and I asked him if he’d seen N. Now G isn’t a team leader or manager, he is in the same rank as I am.
But when HE called N to do the job I’d been asking him for almost the entire evening, magically he appeared within 20 seconds and did it all. I was sorely annoyed that such a simple job had taken so long, but also that N seemed to think G was more worthy of being listened to.
Now, here’s Person 2.
I’ll call this person Y. Y was a member of our stock team, but also works a till. If I need extra till staff then I do a tannoy asking for someone to come, and in this case, I believed that Y was my first call (you shout ordinary staff first, then a team leader if necessary/no-one else is available, then a manager).
This happened later on in my shift, at around 8:15 when we got a small rush of people which left me a little overwhelmed.
A little earlier, Y had come down and was sitting at the end of the desk on the computer which we have, doing something.
He’d told me he was ‘doing lock-up’ and that he was ‘supposed to have finished but (manager) told me I could stay’.
This queue built up, and rather than mucking about with a tannoy for till help I thought to ask Y as I knew he could work the till.
He could quite clearly see I was in need of the help but claimed he ‘couldn’t’ go on the till because he was supposed to be finished.
Now my logic is that if a staff member is on the shop floor, it is a reasonable expectation that they are actually actively working.
But what particularly angered me was that this whole thing happened in front of customers, and it served to make me look (or at least feel) pretty bad when a staff member in uniform was there and not actually helping.
So, who was the jerk in these two situations? Was I correct to report them or do you think I made a deal out of nothing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t think you were wrong, but I definitely think it was an overreaction to report them – an honest, curious conversation would have been better.
Reporting them was pure sour grapes. I can see it was mostly your ego that was bruised here – might be worth examining how much those issues play up in your interactions.
For example A, what if genuinely was just about to come down and the other guy happened to catch him?
Not disrespectful, just coincidental.” HilarysPimple
1. AITJ For Wanting To Rehome My Neighbor's Cat?
“My neighbors live above us in our rented house where we share a front hallway, front porch, and backyard.
We were friends at first. About three months ago they decided they could not keep their 17-year-old cat in the house anymore because he doesn’t always use the litterbox and they have an infant they are concerned will get toxoplasmosis as a result of the cat’s habits.
The neighbor wife told me when they made the decision to evict him from the house so we wouldn’t let him in the shared hallway which was our habit when he was meowing at our windows.
I said I was not willing to make that agreement to not let him in because he tends to meow at my bedroom window at night to be let in and I don’t want her cat to inconvenience me and I also don’t think it’s cool to throw an elderly cat outside with no shelter.
I offered to find a rescue center or a new home to take him if they really felt they couldn’t care for him any longer. She left the conversation without discussing rehoming him further or negotiating with me that I don’t want the cat living on the shared porch.
After that discussion, I gave them a covered litterbox with pine shavings to see if that could encourage him to use the litter more. They brought the litterbox in but not the cat.
We have found the cat without water 6 times in 30+C degree weather.
(it’s been a hot summer) The shelter they have provided him is an uncovered bin that I originally put in the shared hallway to organize the miscellaneous baby clothes that get left in there when they come and go from the apt.
In one especially hot week, we had 7 people within three days come to us and express concern over the cat’s welfare. On one of those days, we had 5 people (it was over 40C degrees with the humidity.) Early that day my SO was confronted by a passerby who wanted to know if he was a stray.
At that moment the neighbor wife came home and said to the passerby that it was her cat but they could take him if they want. Later on that night, an Animal Rescue volunteer who had stopped a raccoon from attacking him rang our doorbell at 11:30 pm.
We came out and addressed the situation, made sure he was okay, and clarified he was owned and not a stray (he is thin, has a ripped ear and his coat is dull so it’s easy to confuse him as being homeless.)
I did my research that night and found someone close by who was willing to take him in. At this point, I was still friends with the neighbors. The next day I confronted the wife when she came into the backyard and said that it’s really uncool we keep having to respond to people about her cat when it’s known we do not like the idea of him living on the porch.
I said that I found him a home if they are willing. That’s when she flipped saying that I was trying to steal her cat and it was none of our business. When I brought up that she told someone to take him she said she was joking.
We continued to yell at each other until my SO came out and diffused the situation. (SO is not as hotheaded as I am) SO told her that she needs to get the cat a collar, register him with the city, and provide more appropriate shelter and we will not tolerate being inconvenienced by him again.
That night she sent us a series of texts saying that we have no business talking to people about her cat and that I am trying to force her hand to get rid of him and that we share a backyard, not a life.
That’s when the friendship ended.
The next day my buddy came by and felt it was necessary to report the treatment of the cat to animal services. A few days later animal services came by but the neighbors wouldn’t answer their door so we addressed the call.
The animal services rep said that city bylaws allow a cat to be permanently outdoors so long as they are not a nuisance. She did note that the cat was not registered and was slightly dehydrated and wrote up a warning notice.
We confirmed with her that he is a nuisance to us but not in that annoying sense more that we are tired of dealing with seeing him in that condition and we are tired of people knocking on our door.
So, the main question is, what they are doing is not against the law but we feel it’s an inconvenience to us. Are we just too uptight? They have retaliated aggressively that I will leave out so we can determine if we caused this issue by being plain and simple jerks.
They do give him food every day and are now bringing the food (not the cat) in at night after I complained about the raccoons and animal services coming by.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk at all.
An animal’s well-being is at stake, as well as your peace of mind in your own home.
At the risk of being downvoted, if I were in your situation, I would take the cat to the people who were willing to keep him.
Yes, it would be stealing. Absolutely against the law. I’d still do it. Your neighbors would have suspicions but no proof, so there’s no way you could be prosecuted.
That’s pure emotions speaking, however. I’m a huge cat lover with two rescues of my own, and I’ve rescued neglected and injured cats in the past. I can’t abide such cruelty to any cat, let alone one who has been a family pet for nearly two decades.
But in the end, it’s up to you. I’m sorry your neighbors are so unreasonable. Best of luck.” missshrimptoast
Another User Comments:
“My first thought was, of course you’re not a jerk because you’re concerned about the well-being of a cat, but on second thought, you’re not really concerned about the cat, are you?
You mentioned several times how you’re being inconvenienced, and I get it. I understand how annoying it would be for people to ask you all these questions and deal with animal services, etc.
I can’t believe that someone’s pet is allowed to be permanently outside as long as it’s not a nuisance.
That makes no sense. They don’t care that the cat’s out in the heat without adequate shelter or water, and is elderly?
If I were you I would have just gone ahead and rehomed the cat.
I guess keeping the cat yourselves is not an option?
Also, and someone correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t they have been worried about toxoplasmosis when she was pregnant? Unless of course, the baby is adopted.” Diarygirl
Another User Comments:
“This story breaks my heart as someone who has been rescuing abandoned cats before, that poor thing. No, you’re not a jerk and like others have said, I suggest you just take the cat to the people who are willing to take him and care for him.
Your neighbors will have no proof and even if this would make you guys no longer friends with each other, I think that the well-being of another living creature is worth the sacrifice. They obviously don’t really care or don’t even understand how inhumane they are being.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“Yes, you are the jerk. I’ve had a few neighbors with outdoor cats. They would walk around on my porch and meow at me and walk back home then. It was not much of an inconvenience.
They aren’t doing anything illegal or inhumane. Cats and animals can live outdoors. It should probably have a collar, but you are overreacting.” Reddit user
