People Confess To Us In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
23. AITJ For Not Reporting Unhygienic, Understaffed Conditions And Rat Infestations At Work?
“I work overnights at a grocery store, and while initially I worked freight, I was trained to clean the meat/produce department and have been doing this since early spring. I am the only one who does the deep cleaning since 1.) deep cleaning can’t be done with the store open and 2.) maintenance used to handle cleaning for these areas, but the guy trained to clean this area quit and maintenance was already understaffed to begin with – they have 3 people when they should have 8.
After I switched to cleaning, my supervisor would still have me work freight half the time; the meat/produce department is officially supposed to have 40 hours of cleaning done a week, but I was barely getting 20. I spent weeks trying to convince my supervisor to let me have more time to clean, but he said he wanted my help with freight so he could “go home sooner.”
There were times when I would be gone for a week or just not be scheduled, and when I was gone the meat/produce departments would barely get cleaned, if even cleaned at all. There was one other guy trained to clean the area, but 1.) he almost never came in and 2.) he was incompetent.
After a while, I got fed up and went directly to my store manager to be allowed to clean the full 40 hours, or at the very least hire another person. She was patronizing – saying it didn’t take that long to clean, and that she’d print up the steps needed to clean everything for me so I would know how to do it.
She agreed to not have me do freight, but outright refused to hire any more people: she was known to generally have been intentionally understaffing.
Soon after this, I got a concussion and took three weeks off: as expected, meat and produce hadn’t been cleaned during that time.
It was gross. I was back at work for about a week before I had to take some more time off, and ended up being away for 5 weeks.
After about a week, they apparently did hire someone to help with maintenance, except he almost immediately went on leave; they didn’t try to hire anyone else or take any other measures.
That one guy I mentioned who would come in sometimes to clean did a briefing a few weeks ago, but only 4 days for all five weeks. So when I came back this week, you can imagine the filth that greeted me.
I haven’t yet been able to clean it; they’re having me work freight again.
I asked every shift’s supervisor if they had anyone clean it, but since every shift is also shorthanded, no one could really surface clean, much less deep clean, since deep cleaning involves a pressure washer, vacuum, etc.
I raised the issue to my team leads and they said they’d get me a meeting with the manager next time she comes in; I was thinking about waiting until after my meeting with the manager to see if I should report this, but no one knows when she’ll be in next.
Additionally, we have rats and I have inadequate PPE.
I won’t be in for the rest of the week due to business so I won’t be able to clean it and it’s all still there, so should I report it or should I wait?”
Another User Comments:
“Report it.. you can do it anonymously and an inspector will show up for an unannounced inspection. You need to do this not only for your own job, but for the hundreds of people literally risking their lives eating foods from this department.
Report the rat infestation as well.” Jdpraise1
Another User Comments:
“Yeesh. Tell me you work at Wal-Mart without telling me you work at Walmart. NTJ. If any of your bosses cared, they’d have handled it by now. This is a public health risk. Report it.
Asking nicely isn’t working. They’re trying to act like you’re weird for thinking food safety is important. How many people eat food from your store? That is how many people will be helped if you report this.” ApprehensiveTruth330
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. You’d be an upstanding citizen/community member.
You may have a very uncomfortable work environment following the report though, and I’d consider looking for other means of employment while the process plays out, just to protect yourself. I’d hate to see you suffer any negative repercussions from being a good and responsible person.” Sad-Ad-4384
22. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit My Niece At Mom's Bachelorette Party?
“This weekend, my mom is holding a bachelorette party cause she’s getting married in two weeks, and she has invited a lot of people, mainly women. And with that, my older sister (f29) was invited, which she immediately said that she would go.
My mom, for whatever reason, said to my sister that she should bring her daughter (f5) to the party as well, fully knowing there’ll be booze involved, and my sister was hesitant to say yes.
My grandma offered to take my niece, so my sister could have fun, and then my mom was like, “You don’t have to, OP could always babysit her at night while we go drink.” And I was like, “I’m not going 2 hours out of town so that I can babysit my niece; I may as well stay home.” My mom got irritated that I wouldn’t babysit and proceeded to say to my sister: “Fine, you can’t bring (niece’s name); she has to stay back in town.” And she left to drop them off back at their house.
So was I in the wrong cause I wouldn’t babysit my niece at a party?”
Another User Comments:
“Just because you’re family does not make you a built-in babysitter. They should have found their own arrangements. Even if they try to guilt you into feeling like one, it doesn’t make it true – you’re safely NTJ.” ckb251
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother should have consulted you to ask if you were willing to look after your niece. She absolutely shouldn’t have volunteered your services like that, especially when your sister bringing her daughter was your mother’s idea.” ToonBoy09
Another User Comments:
“She voluntold/excluded you pretty easily from the celebration, considering you are 19. Is the drinking age where you are 21, or are you going to a club you can’t get into? Even if you can’t drink legally, you could still go, have fun and be the designated driver.
Do you have a bad relationship with her?” Only-Ingenuity7889
21. AITJ For Confronting My Partner's Disgusting Airplane Behavior?
“My partner and I were recently on a trip together, and on the plane ride back, he was uncomfortable and took off his shoes.
That’s okay, sure, but then he decided to stick his foot in between the seats of the row in front of us, and I was mortified. I freaked out and asked him what he was doing? And he proceeded to look at me in an offended demeanour like I was raining on his parade.
Then later on, I noticed he was picking his nose on the flight with a tissue.
I am so baffled by this behaviour, and I decided to bring it up to him later that night after we landed by basically saying he’s embarrassing and why would you think to do these things in public, and he asked me, “Would you rather me be uncomfortable and get frustrated or I just relieve the discomfort?” and was visibly upset.
AITJ for the way I brought it up? I was just so grossed out by his behaviour.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can forgive the nose-picking with a tissue on the plane as it’s relatively private. But the feet? What the heck? That is disgusting, unhygienic, and disrespectful of other passengers.
Yes, yes, he should remain uncomfortable; many of us are on flights. You suck it up rather than being offensive to others. God forbid someone behind me ever does that to me. I have a sharp pointed nail file I’d run up their sole.” Stormschance
Another User Comments:
“The other people on the plane totally hated him. It’s not his personal space; it’s shared space, and that’s what you need to remind him of. If he’s uncomfortable wearing shoes, he needs more comfortable shoes. Picking your nose in front of anyone is just gross.
He acted selfishly and put his own comfort ahead of anyone else. Again, a plane is a shared public space. You are NTJ but he sure is.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Defo NTJ, I was on a flight from Athens a few years ago and I start smelling something really sour (?) thinking maybe someone had left something on the plane on a previous flight.
I look around and on my armrest I see a set of hairy toes poking out. Like I’m sharing the armrest with a foot. Absolutely disgusting! I understand people can get uncomfortable on flights and take their shoes off. But I will, too, get uncomfortable getting smelly feet on my arm.
Ugh.” 4df1t
20. AITJ For Withholding My Daughter From A Pool Party Because Of A Bully?
“At my MIL’s church, there is a young lady that’s a bully.
She’s bullied my daughter and my niece. She’s bullied other kids that go there. I don’t allow my daughter to attend that church anymore.
My MIL announced that she is going to invite this family for a pool party. She wanted her granddaughters to be there.
I told her that my child will not be there if a person who is a known bully is there. My MIL tried to tell me that this young lady bullied my child because my child is nosy and has to know everyone’s business.
She then gave me an example.
My child was recently in a play. After the play, my MIL says that my daughter had to know what everyone was doing, so she went to the back of the auditorium where there’s a little room with windows so she could watch everyone.
I laughed. You see, that little room is the sound booth, and the reason she went there was to turn in her microphone.
Anyway, my MIL was making a big deal about me not letting my daughter interact with her bully, and my SIL said she won’t let my niece go that day, either.
So, AITJ for not letting her go?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’d seriously reconsider letting MIL around my child unsupervised if I was in your shoes! ‘Your child gets bullied because she’s nosy’????? I’m sorry? What are you supposed to say to that? ‘I’m sorry MIL, you’re totally right.
I’ll send my kid to be that bully’s punch bag to teach my daughter a lesson so she’s not nosy in future.’ No way I’d trust MIL alone with my kid if she had that sort of low opinion of my child and felt she could justify said child being bullied.” ApartLocksmith1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I would ask your daughter if she wants to go, knowing the bully would be there. If she says she does, make sure she knows you’ll take her home early if she wants you to at any point.” DreamingofRlyeh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your responsibility to protect your child from any form of harm… and unfortunately sometimes it includes family; like your MIL with her toxic view on this situation.” Responsible_Judge007
19. AITJ For Breaking Up With My Partner Over My Takeout Habit?
“I (19M) grew up in a very food-centric family. Meals were always a big deal, and we spent a lot of time talking about cooking. Despite this, when I moved out on my own, I didn’t really know how to cook for myself. I would just eat out all the time or order takeout.
The other day, my partner (19M) came to my apartment and saw how much takeout I had. He was really shocked and said, “You need to learn how to cook for yourself. This is not healthy.” I got really defensive and said, “What’s wrong with takeout?
It’s perfectly fine.” He said, “It’s not fine. You need to learn how to cook.” I got really mad, and we got into a big argument about it. I told him he was being a food snob and that he was just judging me because I can’t cook.
It was a really big fight which ended in us breaking up. I’m really torn because this was such a small thing that resulted in a breakup. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“PSA: Takeout is extremely unhealthy for you unless you’re religiously looking at the nutritional guides.
It’s full of fat, calories, sodium, and sugar. It is not good for you on a daily basis. Signed: someone with recent kidney issues that has had to start reading nutrition guides like a bible. Do yourself a favor and start learning how to cook for yourself.
Takeout is fun because it’s tasty and easy but cooking can be fun too. Take a class and learn. ESH. He could have been more sensitive, but you could have listened better instead of accusing him of being a good snob. But I also wonder why you had so many takeout containers for him to see.
Maybe it wasn’t just that you eat a lot of takeout. Maybe your place grossed him out.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“ESH: He was right but brought it up in the wrong way. Eating takeout a lot is unhealthy in the long run; there is way too much salt and such in it.
I get it, takeout is fast and easy, but it’s really unhealthy if that is what you mostly eat. Dang it, I forget who did a study on this with university students as subjects; it was a real eye-opener. You for getting “really defensive” and calling him a food snob.
Why didn’t you just say something like “So teach me then…” or something like that? IMHO, if this is what broke you up, then this wasn’t the relationship for either of you. Cooking isn’t that hard really for basic meals; more elaborate dishes take practice of the basics and adding to them.
It doesn’t always have to be time-consuming either; you’d be surprised what a slow cooker can do with a little practice. As a silver lining, I found my partners to be really impressed that I made a full meal just for them by myself, you know, just food for thought… lol.” Flinx98
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Anyone can break up with their SO for any reason they’d like. Neither of you guys is a jerl for breaking up with the other. There are some real benefits to learning to cook. You might want to do that at some point.
But if take-in is a big part of your life, and you can’t imagine cutting back on it, then that’s just part of life with you. In Dan Savage’s terms, that’s part of the price of admission for being with you. Other, bigger questions came to mind for me as I was reading your story.
Your answers to these questions wouldn’t have anything to do with whether you’re a jerk or not. I suspect that thinking about them long and hard, and maybe getting some outside perspective could help you avoid hurtful breakups later on, though: 1) Did your partner show contempt for you?
If so, that’s a dealbreaker, no matter what the argument was about. How can you make sure that contempt isn’t a part of any future relationships? 2) Do you get defensive when your lifestyle, spending, or dietary choices are questioned? What other issues might those things bring up for you?
3) What skills do you consider to be basic life skills? What skills or approaches to life do you want in a partner? What skills, efforts, or approaches to life do you expect or want to contribute in a relationship?” PearNoMore
18. AITJ For Refusing To Take My Sister's Engagement Photos Because I'm Out Of Practice?
“My sister’s partner is planning to surprise her by proposing. Her partner was planning on hiring a professional photographer, but it would cost around $600. My mom and her partner decided against it because of the price and just assumed I would do it, since I used to take photos and have the proper equipment.
The only issue is that I haven’t taken photos using this camera in years. I have never taken engagement photos before, and I am nervous that they won’t come out well because I am so out of practice. My sister is annoyingly particular with the way photos come out, and I don’t want to be the reason my sister doesn’t like the photos.
(I want them to be up to her liking, and she does not like the way I take pictures of her.)
So WIBTJ if I decided not to take the pictures? Or at least complain about the fact that no one asked me? (Obviously, I don’t expect to be paid, but I would also be responsible for all the post-production and I am annoyed.)”
Another User Comments:
“YWNTBJ. The thing is, what I see here most is your concern that your sister won’t be happy with it, which is super commendable! I get wanting to save money, but both Mom and her partner need to realize this is literally a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
Shell out the money to make sure it comes out right. Also, not actually asking you is kind of offensive. You can’t just assume someone will do any form of work for you without at least a small discussion on it.” associaterogue
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! The reason they are so expensive is because of the years of practice and skill it takes to become a professional photographer. Also, the fact that they just assumed you would do it without even asking is such a jerk move! You don’t owe them anything, but they would absolutely owe you money if you did it for them.
Maybe you need to convince your BIL that this is a once-in-a-lifetime event. You can’t redo her reaction to being proposed to for the first time again, so you probably want to make sure that the photos come out great by paying a professional to do it.” serious_hummus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, as a professional, if I know my style doesn’t match what the person is looking for, then I shouldn’t be taking their photos. Your question is really “AITJ for not agreeing to take on the role of photographing someone for a very important milestone when I am aware in advance that they don’t like my photos or my style of photographing them?” And obviously, that’s a no. Why (other than price) would they want you to be the photographer when you know that sis doesn’t like how you photograph her?” twiddlywerp
17. AITJ For Swearing At Trivia Night With No Kids Around?
“I meet with a group of ladies each week to do trivia and drink beer.
We’re parents, so it’s a nice break and it’s just something I really enjoy.
Last night one of the other moms called me out for saying “f this” and “f that.” I have a master’s degree and work in data analysis. Basically, just trying to convey that I do function in an extremely professional manner all day.
I want to respect others’ feelings but also screw it, you know? I’m relatively outspoken but I don’t consider myself abrasive or obnoxious in any capacity. No kids are around, it’s not excessive but yeah, I say the f word, plenty. Am I the freaking jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“LOL oh man do I feel this. I watch my mouth a lot because I have kids, and my little boy is at the “I’m going to parrot everything” phase. Obviously, I don’t want my 2 1/2-year-old screaming any of my obscenities. But once they go to bed, all bets are off, I have a sailor mouth.
Overall, NTJ. If you’re excessive about it and someone you are with is uncomfortable, then it’s polite to refrain. But if no kids are around and you’re not in a professional setting, then screw it.” RoxasofsorrowXIII
Another User Comments:
“I’m a bit torn on this.
I swear a fair bit, but if I feel like people are uncomfortable with it, I turn it down. And tbh I become quite conscious about it when I hear someone else doing it and realise it is quite revolting. Maybe the occasional word here or there, but if it’s constant, it just gets boring and pointless.
I don’t get your point about ‘I want to consider other feelings, but also freak it….’ Clearly, you don’t want to consider other feelings, so don’t even pretend you do. Yeah, I reckon YTJ.” SympathyRepulsive957
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but you need to just decide if it’s worth more to you to swear as you wish, or to have this person’s company.
For me personally, if I like them enough to invite them over, I probably value their company more than my natural inclination to swear. But that doesn’t have to be true for you. I think it’s a little sad if that’s a dealbreaker for your friendships, but it’s your right.
Of course, the same goes for her: I think it’s also kind of sad if she decides it’s worth leaving over, but I think it’s fine for her to just ask you to tone it down. I agree with the other commenter that you don’t sound like you really want to respect others’ feelings if your attitude is “screw it.” I mean, you don’t owe this person anything but don’t pretend like you care if you don’t.” [deleted]
16. AITJ For Refusing To Share Detailed Medical Information With My Employer?
“I (21M) work at a gas station, I’m one of their hardest workers, and I always help out when I can. I even wanted to go Manager, but I got really sick with an infection in my stomach.
I told them when I nearly passed out at work. I was supposed to work 2 days before my vacation I put in months ago when I had to be rushed to the hospital. They said I have to have paperwork about it all before I’m allowed back.
I’m rather embarrassed because it does go into great detail and I’d rather keep it private.
I never called out before; I’ve always been great with people and I work fairly hard. I really do not want to give my paperwork, so they want to fire me because of it.
I said okay and I’m just going to enjoy this time before I look for a new job. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But there is probably a policy where a doctor’s certificate is required for days off before or after a weekend/holidays.
You could ask the hospital for just a generic certificate to say you were unfit for your normal duties on those days instead of giving over full reports. But in saying that, you’re always well within your rights to not go back to a job if you don’t want to, and have the means to support yourself in the meantime.” TheKaylaChronicle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re legally not obligated to show them anything and, depending on the details for your job, you could seek unemployment for wrongful termination. To be nice, you could see if you could get a doctor’s note, as some hospitals I’ve attended have offered those.
Depending on what you’re looking for from a job, if you want something similar to what a gas station of all things can offer you, feel free to look at 90% of other job postings that are likely better.” Medium_Sleep9524
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you should be able to get a non-detailed note from your doctor indicating that you were unable to work due to required hospitalization.
No need to be specific (it is not your employer’s right to know medical information about you); just provide a doctor’s note that states you were hospitalized on days, and will be able to work after.” voluntold9276
15. AITJ For Requesting Payment To Help With My Sister's Presentation?
“I (F19) am a uni student. My school year is almost over and I only have a few more exams left. It was a busy year, but I’m glad it’s almost over.
My sister (F13) had to do a school presentation for biology about addictive substances or something like that. I taught her before how to do a presentation so it looks presentable, since no one taught it to her before at her school, since apparently teachers are too lazy to do that.
She did an excellent job though while I helped her if she needed anything (little things like which color or motive to use) while I was studying.
She was doing the presentation yesterday when our mom (F50) came from work and asked her how’s it going.
She showed her progress, which she was obviously proud of. She asked her how much time she needed to make it and when she would probably finish. Mom then turned to me and asked me if I don’t want to do it for her. I said sure, but give me like 5 euros since it’s work for a few hours (getting the information and everything).
She then said to me, “How dare you ask for money for doing something nice for my sister,” and that I should never ask money for something like this. Mind you, this semester I had to do like 5 presentations, all of which drained me to death while working on them.
My sister then later today finished her presentation, which looked pretty decent.
Today, she brought up the issue again, so I’m asking here, AITJ really?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Mom is the major jerk here. Let us count the ways: 1. Encouraging academic dishonesty and laziness.
Sounds like sister was happy doing the work? 2. Seemingly not giving a bother about something sister was proud of. 3. Making assumptions about OP’s time, availability, and willingness to do her sister’s work. 4. Playing the “but faaaamily” card when OP said no to a terrible ask.” ABeerAndABook
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not your responsibility to help your sister with her homework or to do it for her. It doesn’t seem like it’s your sister’s fault either, but your mom, as she is the one who suggested that you are in the wrong.
Realistically, your parents would have to pay anyone else to help your sister with her homework if they felt she really needed that. They would pay a stranger, but not their own child? It’s selfish and entitled behavior on her behalf in my opinion.” chaengism
Another User Comments:
“First and a little off topic—it’s not the teacher being “lazy.” There are so many reasons, but the biggest is probably because teachers are very limited by administrative and even government curriculum restraints. Teaching how to create a presentation from scratch should be a class in itself.
For one thing, lots of students already know how. You can’t expect teachers to instruct on a topic on a one-on-one basis. But as for your question… NTJ. I’m not even sure you should do it if you did get paid. Your sister needs to learn how to fend for herself in school and not to cut corners.
She’ll never learn anything if you keep bailing her out. Good sister for teaching her!” Cautious-Damage7575
14. AITJ For Deciding To Move Out Because My Sister Won't Step Up?
“I am 19F living with my parents, 48F and 45M, and my little sister 13F. Around four years ago, my sister got in a terrible car accident that left her with a TBI and a shaky hand. She is doing much better now and is walking and capable of doing normal household and farm chores despite the shaky hand.
Anytime my sister and I are alone, both of our parents work full time, she refuses to listen to me, and despite JUST turning thirteen years old, she will get loud with me when I am being calm, like snap off mad, jumping up and down and screaming like a two year old, and being disrespectful to no end with me.
And even if my parents tell her that I’m in charge when they aren’t present, she doesn’t give a crap.
I try to be calm with her, but she literally pushes my buttons to the point where I have to walk away and scream because she just pushes and pushes and pushes.
Today, my sister stayed home from school for no reason at all other than to sit in her room and be on her tablet all day and not do anything. I had recently injured my foot from my horse stepping on me, so I can only do so much and walk for so long without my foot throbbing later.
I was doing dishes when I asked my sister to please go outside and check and make sure the chickens all have water. Well, she takes her tablet outside with her. She is holding it with her shaky hand, and is outside for ten minutes, and only brings back one water container for me to fill up.
I asked her if the others needed water, and she said, “Yeah, but I can only fit one in my hand.”
I told her to please put the tablet down inside and go get the others for me to fill up. Cue her stomping her foot, rolling her eyes at me, and whining about it.
I then kind of blew up on her, started crying out of frustration, and told her that she needs to step up and help us out because I am injured and yet I am still cleaning the house like Mom asked me to do so, while you sit in your room all day and miss school for no reason on your tablet.
I shouldn’t have been emotional about it, but I blew up because it was such a buildup of emotions. She, of course, stomped away and cried. She then called Mom and tattled on me as she always does when I get slightly stern with her.
I am fixing to start packing my stuff and move in with my partner because I cannot stand my sister anymore. I cannot stand her acting like a little brat and a child when she is thirteen years old.”
Another User Comments:
“Unfortunately, TBIs are a heck of a ride.
I am the ‘proud owner’ of one for twenty + years. The weird thing is from the inside you don’t think things are any different, but viewed from the outside you can look and sound like a banshee. Your sister may not think she’s any different and emotional regulation is hard post-TBI.
It can take five years to find the total of her new normal. For the above reasons, I don’t think there are any buttholes here. You wouldn’t be a jerk for moving out, but I definitely think you need to sit down and talk seriously with your folks about all your concerns for both your and your sister’s sake.
GOOD LUCK OP. No jerks here.” Blackdogwrangler
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, although… So she’s too young (“only thirteen”) to yell back at you, but too old to be acting like a child? I mean, yeah, don’t be a brat and listen to the adult in charge (you), but it just seems like some contradictory darned if you do, darned if you don’t ish going on between you two.
And if I had a shaky hand, I might also choose not to hold a water dish in it. It’s alright when bringing the bowls to be filled, but if I thought I’d shake too much water out on the return trip, I’d probably opt to just make multiple trips with one at a time.” mynameisyoshimi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the motivation for your sister missing school and not helping with chores is so she can spend the day on her tablet, turn off the WIFI and don’t acknowledge that you did that. Also, you are being parentified. Without you, your parents will have to parent your sister themselves and also do their own housework.
Do you go to school or have a job? Or are you home all day, running the household? I’m not sure that jumping from having your rent and food paid for by your parents to having your rent and food paid for by your partner is the best solution.
Can you get a job, save up, and get a place of your own or with neutral roommates so you have an actual choice about moving in with him, and it’s not just a need-based move?” RavenRaving
13. AITJ For Expecting My Adoptive Dad To Repay A Loan While Covering My Mother's Rent?
“I’m the oldest of 4 kids. I have a different father than my siblings, and he adopted me long before they came along. I had a good relationship with him until my parents’ divorce, and he started treating me differently from the others. It was tense, and our relationship got rocky, so I didn’t talk to him too much.
When I was a teenager, we ran into some of my bio father’s family, and I got in touch with them and maintained relationships with them. This angered my dad to no end, and any relationship between us ended. Not going to say my attitude was completely innocent either.
In contrast, I’ve always had a good relationship with my mother, and she has always been there for me. She had always encouraged me to have a relationship with both my adopted and biological families.
Fast forward to now, in my 30s I can be cordial with him when I see him, but there is no parent/child relationship there.
Tried to have a relationship with him, but it just does not work.
The problem is, last month our mother got an eviction notice. Her landlord wanted to remodel the house, so she’d have to move out. She didn’t have enough saved up to cover everything and a new place.
My siblings and I pitched in to help. I told them to get together what they could, and I’d put the difference and first couple months of rent forward. It came to a few thousand, and I told my mother not to worry about paying me back.
Last week, adoptive dad also got hit with an eviction notice over a dispute with his landlady’s husband over the swingset he put up for his grandkids. In his state, they only have to give 10 days’ notice. I was the last one my siblings turned to for help since it was such short notice.
Yeah, it is, so I did agree to help and put him up in a motel for as long as he needed to get into a new place, but I was upfront that I expected to be paid back over the next couple of years.
He took me up on the offer, but wasn’t happy I’m making him pay me back when I’m not asking for a dime back from my mother. My siblings and some of our family agree and say it’s a crap thing to do, especially since it’ll probably be less than what I paid for our mother.
They also think it was a jerk move of me to wait to be asked to help instead of offering right away like I did with Mom. The way I see it, though, is this is like loaning money out to a friend or something, not one of my parents.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why on earth should you have to bail out a parent who essentially abandoned you? If they are so appalled at you asking to be repaid, they can give him the money.” CheerilyTerrified
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your father is lucky you’re willing to lend him the cash.
Feel free to tell everyone telling you that you’re wrong, that they are welcome to house or pay for him.” whatsmypassword73
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Whether or not you had a different agreement with your mom, he shouldn’t have reached out for help with the mindset that he wouldn’t have to pay you back.
If he did that, it makes him a jerk for expecting rather than asking. And he gets double jerk points for asking such a personal favor from someone with whom he ended a relationship. Also, just a PS, he’s a jerk for adopting you, abandoning you, and getting mad at you for forming a relationship with your bio family.
If he doesn’t want to be your dad (first of all, why did he adopt you, but..) why does he get to be mad at you for making a connection with your bio dad’s family? Either he cares about you or doesn’t; pick a lane!
And especially, he doesn’t get to get upset when he doesn’t have a relationship with you and you decide not to support him for free. Why would a stranger (as far as he is concerned) pay his bills? He’s not a family member or a loved one, so don’t support him for free!
You are so not the jerk!” waggiebabies
12. AITJ For Naming My Baby Solo Because My Baby's Father Was Absent?
“My child’s father has been largely inactive, only speaking about what he plans to do.
I’m six months pregnant and have attended every doctor’s appointment alone. Early in my pregnancy, genetic testing showed positive results for spinal muscular atrophy and sickle cell. The doctors and I needed him to contribute by providing a sample for genetic testing, but because we live in different states, it would have had to be mailed. He refused, assuming I’d put him on child support.
I don’t need his money—coming from a background with multiple degrees, several trades, assets, and a strong support network, I’m financially secure. What I needed was for him to show up and be involved. I never asked for anything other than for him to attend key appointments, complete the genetic testing, participate in the gender reveal, and avoid causing unnecessary stress.
Despite refusing to participate in the genetic testing, I handled everything on my own—attending appointments, getting blood drawn, driving across town, dealing with multiple doctors, and managing the stress. Thankfully, I found out my child is healthy, and I shared the results with him.
Now, he’s acting as if nothing happened, which feels embarrassing for me. He didn’t contribute at all because he believes his role as a father doesn’t begin until the child is born, which I disagree with.
Now that it’s time to name the baby, he wants to be involved, but I’ve already chosen a name.
I believe that you can’t pick and choose when to be a parent—just as I don’t have the option to choose when to be a mother. He should have been as eager to participate in the genetic testing to ensure her health as he is to help name her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it’s probably time to decide exactly what you do and don’t want from him as a co-parent and begin as you mean to go on. Don’t chit-chat with him about the baby if you don’t want him to feel like he gets to do what he wants with her.
Don’t involve him in some decisions unless you want him to be involved with the others. He’s only interested in cute stuff now, but who knows how that will change? And don’t invite him to join you at the hospital if you aren’t OK with him picking a name and filling out the birth certificate behind your back.
R/namenerds is full of stories of fathers doing just that. And get custody, support and parenting time ironed out in the courts regardless of how you’re cooperating now, before the baby is old enough to be aware of it. R/parenting is full of parents who have to do so after years of resentment build up, and that’s never a good thing.” cranbeery
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m usually gung-ho about people cooperating to choose a name, and starting parenting as they mean to go on. But…this guy’s already failing to be supportive in so many ways. So screw him. Get custody formally sorted out. Get the child support you’re due.
Don’t let him in your delivery room, but pick someone who will actually help you. And name your child yourself. Because parenthood doesn’t start after birth. It starts with the pregnancy.” Normal-Height-8577
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your baby’s father absented himself from the process when he believed his child would be/might be born with disabilities or chronic illness, a totally jerk move on his part.
It’s probably true that he didn’t participate in the testing because he was worried you would hit him for child support, which, tbh, you should still do, even if he has zero interest in the matter. If he’s the dad, he should have that responsibility, at least. He should acknowledge his legal obligations towards the child, even if he is completely absent otherwise.
Name the baby whatever you want; you are the one who will be raising this child, because you obviously can’t count on him. He ghosted out when you needed support, now he shouldn’t get to have any say in any part of being the father, unless and until he shows up again and acknowledges his obligations to you and the child.
If he’s not at the hospital when the baby is born, he doesn’t get a say in what name goes on the birth certificate. Don’t tell him to come if you don’t want him to just fill out the certificate himself, because that has happened. He wasn’t around for the stress and testing you went through, so continue to treat him as if he has no interest in the actual, living child and keep him on an information diet, so he can’t interfere with decisions you made when he was being irresponsible.” LonelyOwl68
11. AITJ For Calling The Police On My Negligent Neighbor For Leaving His Puppy Out In The Cold?
“I have a neighbor (60s, m) who is a neglectful dog owner. This summer, he got a puppy to replace his old dog that passed from a preventable illness. My neighbor primarily lets his dog out, unleashed, to run around the street, and I’ve had problems with it chasing my dogs and me.
I’ve asked my neighbor to keep his dog leashed on multiple occasions, and he didn’t until I submitted a report last week. Now he keeps the dog tied in his front yard for hours at a time.
Yesterday we had a snowstorm, and today it’s currently 16°.
I saw the dog was tied out this morning when I was walking my dogs, and I checked every 15 minutes for an hour to see if the dog was taken in before I called. The dog was shivering and lifting its feet (which I recorded on video).
The local officer followed up with me and said that, although the owner is taking the dog inside now, the dog was fine and was playing in the snow when he arrived.
The dog is about 6 months old, maybe 40 lbs, and is some kind of small shepherd mix.
I know some dogs can withstand a lot colder for a lot longer, but he’s still a puppy. I feel like the officer was dismissive of me as a neighbor with a grudge (and tbh I kind of am), but I am actually very concerned about that dog.”
Another User Comments:
“This is a problem. My idiot neighbor called a bunch of times about my Alaskan malamute and gsd/mix being outside in the cold. The dogs would let themselves in when they wanted to come in. These dogs are bred to literally live out in the snow.
Up in Alaska, there will be 30 of them sleeping in a doghouse outside in Temps you can’t imagine. They are built for the cold. She was also told to basically mind her own business.” Head_Drop6754
Another User Comments:
“I realize you have multiple neglectful owner issues going on here, but as regards the cold: Depends on the dog.
We’ve had Samoyeds for the past 25 years. Our dogs are primarily indoor, with as much outdoor access as they want when we are awake and home. It can be low teens and snowing, and they’ll lay contentedly on the deck for hours. If an officer showed up to question things, I’d have to restrain myself from laughing.
‘No sir, I have no desire to be outside right now, but good luck dragging doggo back in…'” Oneoldbird
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it does depend on the breed and individual dog. Huskies, Malamutes and other dogs bred for living in the arctic actually tend to love that type of weather.
I had a poodle that became increasingly happy the worse the weather got. It is always appropriate to call if you have legitimate concerns. But remember your job is to report, not enforce.” Hawking444
10. AITJ For Using An Available Sink And Skipping The Line?
“I (30sF) was recently at the airport for a flight. I went to the ladies’ bathroom to wash my hands about 15 minutes before boarding (so I could have waited). There was a line of about half a dozen women, and I made eye contact with the one at the front of the line and told her I was just going to wash my hands.
She had no issue with it. There were 2 sections of sinks, and I went to the one closest to the entrance. The next 5 sinks to the left of me were all unused in the time I was washing my hands.
As I walked out barely a minute later, a woman towards the end of the line cupped her hands around her mouth as if to broadcast to everyone and said in a very condescending tone “there’s a lineeeee” and laughed at herself.
I was so taken aback that anyone had any issues with this that I only managed to mutter “I was just washing my hands so …” as I walked out. I really didn’t see an issue with what I did cause I did not cause anyone to wait in line any longer than they would have, nor did I take up a sink that people ahead of me needed. But now I’m not so sure – what is the general public consensus of skipping the bathroom line to use an available sink?
Was I the jerk for doing so?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I would assume she didn’t know you were just washing your hands if you only told the person at the front and she was at the back. Probably looked to her like you skipped the line and were in and out because of it.
But this is going to go down on my list of reasons I’d never speak up publicly on my perceived slights like line skippers. When you’re wrong or missing key information, you end up looking like a fool.” PossumJenkinsSoles
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
If I had to guess, I’d say it was a misunderstanding from the lady at the back as she probably didn’t hear you say that you were just going to wash your hands. So from her perspective, she was calling out someone’s bad selfish behavior that was negatively affecting everyone else.” shnanogans
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… People get all sorts of bent out of shape waiting in lines – especially at the airport – and like to get mad at anyone. I was recently called up to the counter at the airport gate – where there was a line of people waiting to be re-checked in after a plane issue.
I got dagger eyes from many and someone told me “Ma’am there’s a line!” I responded that my name was called, so it’s a fair assumption I shouldn’t wait in the line. She didn’t say anything but was visibly annoyed. I walked up, they handed me my ID they forgot to return when I had been in line, and it was all over.
Keep in mind their frustration is with waiting and anyone looking like they are trying to skip the wait is an easy target for frustration.” ms_sinn
9. AITJ For Fulfilling My Nephews' Wishes Instead Of Equalizing Their Gifts?
“I have two nephews: ‘John’ (15) and ‘Thomas’ (12).
Recently, I went on a trip to the U.S. It’s my first trip to America. I asked them if they wanted anything, and the boys both wanted autographed stuff. Thomas wanted a signed basketball and jersey from his favourite team, while John requested four autographed novels by his favourite author.
They both did some research and gave me the store names. I managed to get all the requested items.
My sister, though, said I should have gotten Thomas a couple of other gifts, since it isn’t good for him to see his brother get twice as many gifts.
I told her I got what they wanted, but she said it would have been thoughtful of me to find additional souvenirs.”
Another User Comments:
“Completely NTJ! And why is the mom making an issue when it appears both kids are not? You’re a very kind and generous person to have even asked for specifics and even gone through the trouble of getting all the requested items!
These are not toddlers who have to count every present to make sure it’s even. Your sister is a bit of a drama queen causing this issue in the first place.” GoatMom1998
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – don’t worry one bit. In fact, your sister is likely to CREATE problems for her sons with her attempts at bean-counting and inserting herself into her sons’ relationships with others/the gifts people generously choose to give her sons.
1. You listened to your nephews and responded with exactly what they wanted. HOW on earth is that unfair to either one of them? 2. You don’t say how much you spent on each child (and you don’t have to spend the exact same amount on each child), but they are probably much closer in value than a simple item count suggests.
More starkly, if you had given one nephew 10 cheap stickers, would your sister think that was more generous than one gaming console? 3. I feel sorry for your nephews. Best case, they are only mortified by their mom comparing what each child gets and then presuming to tell would-be gift-givers what they should have done better.
Worst case, one or both of the boys adopt their mom’s perspective and become gift bean-counters themselves and probably damage their relationship as brothers.” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Growing up, my kids always knew that no matter how many presents they had for birthdays and Christmas, I would always spend the same amount.
Even now, they are both in their 30s; I spend the same on one as the other. I always asked them to write me a list of things they liked or wanted. They always knew the list was to give me ideas, and that if it was on the list, it didn’t guarantee it would be given.
The only thing they ever know they are getting is an annual at Christmas. It used to be Beano and Dandy; now it’s sports or Dr Who. One year, I didn’t get them. I thought they were getting a bit old for them; all broke loose, and they were so disappointed. That year, Santa got their annuals for New Year.” SmurfettiBolognese
8. AITJ For Convincing My Cousin To Live With Her Mom For Financial Independence?
“Six days ago, I found out that my cousin, whom I’ll call Erica, owes more than $5,000 to her sister, whom I’ll call Stacy, in what I believe is unpaid rent.
Stacy charges Erica $500 a month.
Erica came to visit me and asked if I could loan her $1,000 to give to Stacy. That’s when I learned about her debt and current situation. For context, her mother is aware of this and has offered to let Erica live with her rent-free so she can focus on paying off the debt she owes Stacy.
Initially, Erica agreed to this plan and decided to move in with her mother. However, when she informed Stacy of her decision, Stacy tried to convince her to stay. Essentially, Stacy was able to scare her from moving.
For example:
1. Erica said that she was going to transfer to a different store from where she works.
Stacy told her that the stores in the area where her mom lives are bad. If she goes to work in that area, she might get robbed, attacked, killed, etc.
2. Living with your parents is a sign that you’re still immature and you’re going to be looked down on by other people.
3. She’s going to be living in an apartment with her mom. It’s not going to be a house, and it’s not going to be luxurious and clean like where she’s living at now.
So, it’s better for her to continue to stay with her instead of their mom.
I told Erica that, in my opinion, moving in with her mom was the smartest choice. I explained how it would allow her to pay off her debt and save money at the same time. Right now, she’s living paycheck to paycheck and has no safety net.
I asked her, “What happens if your car breaks down? Or if there’s an emergency? How will you pay for it?” At 20 years old, if she stays with Stacy, her debt will only keep growing, and she’ll never achieve financial freedom. She needs to do what’s best for her future.
I also asked Erica if she knew where her payments were going. She admitted she didn’t know and simply paid whatever amount Stacy told her to. To me, this was a red flag—I suspected she might be covering other expenses unrelated to rent or utilities.
After talking with her, I was able to convince Erica to live with her mother. When Stacy found out I was the one who convinced her, she called me, yelling that I had some nerve getting involved. She went on about not having enough money to pay bills, who was going to watch her kids, the vacation plan was going to be cancelled because they can’t afford it now, etc. I told her if she can’t afford those things anymore, she needs to cut back on her expenses.
Apparently, this set her off and she yelled, “I’M NOT GOING TO LOWER MY STANDARDS!” and then hung up. I haven’t talked to her since, and apparently some people from their dad’s side of the family thought that I should have minded my own business.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Erica came to you with an issue & looking for advice, you provided that & followed up with very logical advice. But so many questions….. Is your cousin Erica going to school? Why is she not able to work enough to pay $500/month for rent?
Is Erica’s sister Stacy having her babysit so much that Erica can’t work more? Is Stacy not reducing rent or not paying Erica for time babysitting? How old is Stacy & does that age difference create a power imbalance? I figured that Stacy couldn’t afford her own rent without help and that’s why she wanted Erica there….” jennifer79t
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You became involved when Erica asked for the loan. You gave sound advice to someone who has a free option, is only 20, and already significantly underwater with their finances. If Stacey truly expects Erica to pay off the debt, then there’s really no other solution than for Erica to move home, get caught up, and save.
Erica owes 10 months of back rent, so Stacey clearly doesn’t rely on her rent money to pay her bills. However, it sounds like she counts on her for childcare, and it makes one wonder how often Erica watches her kids and if Erica should be paying rent at all.
Perhaps Stacey should exchange $500 worth of childcare services for housing Erica. The average cost for childcare is $21.50 an hour (for 1 kid!). If Erica provides care for 8-10 hrs a week (32-40 hrs a month), that is roughly $12.50-15.50 an hour, which is a big savings, (even more so since Stacey has more than one kid.)” s0mthinels
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have Erica’s best interests at heart. Stacy, however, is financially abusive. Talk to Erica and find out if she wasn’t able to work more due to the unpaid babysitting. If so, that needs to be figured in before Erica pays anything.
She needs to check for the average rent amount also. If she was getting a discount in exchange for unpaid babysitting, all’s good. If not, then there needs to be a discussion on what is owed taking the unpaid babysitting into account. Stacy doesn’t get to arbitrarily decide how much she’s owed. Also, please make sure to have Erica tell Stacy she needs a receipt/document, etc. This needs to show the amount due, when Erica makes a payment, and the remaining amount.
This needs to be a requirement for Erica to get before she makes a payment. I wouldn’t put it past Stacy to say she didn’t get a payment and say it’s Erica’s responsibility to prove she paid.” ApprehensiveBook4214
7. AITJ For Reporting My Roommate For Loud Dorm Parties?
“I (19f) am living in uni dorms. Our dorms have two rooms, one for three people and one for two that share a hallway and bathroom.
I stay in the two-person room, while this girl B is staying in the three-person room with two other people.
The two other girls end their week on Wednesday, so they go home. This is when B invites people over to her room to party without the two girls knowing or giving her permission.
If it was 1-3 friends, it would be fine, but usually it’s 5+ people. They are being loud, blasting music, yelling, running in and out of the room, and slamming the doors, etc., which makes it VERY hard for my roommate and me to sleep.
When they finally leave for the club, we get a bit of peace and quiet, but not for long.
Every time she comes back absolutely crapfaced, she wakes everyone up. Usually around 3-4 am.
Once she invited about 7 people over while one of the other girls was there trying to study. She didn’t ask if it would be okay or anything; people just started showing up.
Other than that, she is very messy; she floods the bathroom every time she showers, and she never helps clean the room, etc.
So WIBTJ if I reported her and possibly had her kicked out or moved to another unit?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… Most times she will get warned/noted first before getting kicked out directly; it’s a shared dorm.
For your safety, try to see if you can make an anonymous complaint instead of a direct one because some people will target you if they find out it was you.” DarkCrystal89
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I worked front desk at my dorm for two years; there is an expectation of reasonable volume/noise all the time, and even more during quiet hours.
Call whomever you are supposed to every time they are making noise late at night. Her recreation does not trump your right to rest in the space you pay for. I’ve had to explain to more than one student that just because their parents aren’t here doesn’t mean there’s no one able to discipline them.
But instead of being grounded, they get kicked out of the dorm and possibly the university.” verminiusrex
6. AITJ For Yelling At Classmates For Spreading A Rumor That I Had A Child?
“I, (18F), am still in high school. My partner, (18), and I are also in band. My partner has a niece and a nephew (six months and three).
He brings them to most of our games. His nephew (B) sits in the stands with us most of the time. My partner’s nephew adores me and sat between us the whole game. We introduced him to most of the other students in band, and we had an amazing night.
The next day at school, some girls in band approach me. They asked if B was my and my partner’s son. I tell them no, and they all giggle and run away. The next day at school, there are rumors about B being my son.
I denied them, but people didn’t believe me. I found the girls, and they admitted to telling a lot of people that B was my son. I used to be sort of skinny in freshman year due to an ED. I started to gain weight after eating properly, and other students have been saying that’s when I was pregnant.
I yelled at them, and now people are telling me I shouldn’t have yelled at them for a “misunderstanding.””
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It wasn’t a misunderstanding. That’s their excuse. They spread a rumor they knew wasn’t true in an attempt to shame you.
They’re gross bullies. I am proud of you for eating healthier now. You are doing great. Don’t let these clowns get you down.” CrimsonKnight_004
Another User Comments:
“Why would they think that you suddenly had a 3yo son? Didn’t they know you? What am I missing?
Were you away for a while? Did they think the baby was also yours? I would say NO, you weren’t wrong but again, I don’t understand why they didn’t already know you weren’t the mother. Were these actually friends?” YOLOBrickRd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Be serious OP, this wasn’t a misunderstanding; these chicks knew precisely what they were up to.
They knowingly spread lies about you behind your back to mess with your reputation. They are lying, gossipmongering, bullying—whatever you want to call it, you’re probably not the first OR the last person they’ve done this to. I’m petty so not going to lie if I were you I’d probably try to get a covert recording of them admitting they spread lies about me and post it on tiktok lmao.
That might make me a jerk. But the responsible thing to do would be to report their behavior to the band teacher and to the school admins. I cannot imagine that your band teacher would be pleased to hear that fellow band members are bullying you.” Guilty-Supermarket51
5. AITJ For Taking My Own Room Over My Stepbrothers?
“My dad and his wife bought a new house together, and we moved in last week. Before moving, I (15m) was told I could get my own room or share with one of my stepbrothers (11 and 7). Even though I was offered the choice, my dad and his wife wanted me to share with one of the boys.
The reason for that is both stepbrothers think of me as a brother, not a step, and because they both admire me/look up to me.
The 7-year-old hero worships me and is super clingy, and always wants to hang out and be my friend and be my brother.
It’s a lot, really. I don’t like it. Sometimes I like getting out of the house just to not have my shadow with me everywhere I go. Most people would find it sweet, but I find it exhausting. When we lived in the other house, he always wanted to sleep in my room for “sleepovers” and stuff, and was disappointed when I’d say no.
The 11-year-old has autism, and he looks up to me too, but in a different way. I’m one of the only people he has ever wanted to spend time with. I’m one of the only people he’s comfortable around too. He doesn’t sleep great, but will nap if I’m in the room, so they thought I’d be good for him in that way.
They think I’d be good for both, but they don’t have the closest of relationships, and the 7-year-old can make the 11-year-old edgy, so them sharing is not a great solution.
I never wanted to share with either of them, and since we all live together 100% of the time (no other parents to go to), I knew having my own room was a big deal for me.
So I chose my own room. My dad and his wife were really unhappy about it. They gave me the choice though, for reasons, so they’re willing to follow through, but they’re also going to make sure I know how disappointed and unhappy it makes them.
We became a stepfamily two years ago by the way.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are the oldest; that ought to come with some privilege. It’s great that the boys look up to you, but sometimes you need them to look from afar, eh?
I understand where your dad and step-mom are coming from, but they need to understand that since there is that second bedroom to have more space, then surely they, when they were 15, would have chosen to be the one to have it alone, as well.
I can understand wanting breathing room. The boys will just have to learn to get along better with each other, and that is on their mom. It’s not up to you to take on that role.” PickleNotaBigDill
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At my dad’s for a long time I couldn’t get my own room because my sisters refused to share.
I basically slept on a stretcher in the living room (how fun trying to convince them to turn the TV volume down because I had to go to sleep and them refusing). Then later I often had to share with Dad’s new partner’s son who is a few years younger than me.
That sucked, still not having my own space as a teen. My advice, if they’re upset? Sit them down, look your Dad in the eyes, and ask “Dad, when you were a 15 year old boy, what did you spend a lot of time doing in your room?
Now think about the logistics of me sharing with someone.”” chalk_in_boots
Another User Comments:
“Look, Imma be blunt. It’s a bit inappropriate to have a 15 y.o. boy share a room with younger kids if he doesn’t have to. Just because, well, you know, what 15 y.o.
boys tend to do a lot. Which is perfectly normal and developmentally appropriate but you need privacy. And what happens in 3 years when you’re 18? You still have to share a room with children? That’s exceedingly unfair. I would be exhausted having a 7 y.o. cling to me all the time.
You deserve to have a space of your own to get away, recharge, and be alone. It’s also not your responsibility to make sure the 11 y.o. is able to sleep. You’re not gonna live with him forever, ya know? You’re NTJ. At all. You’re a normal teenager.
Your parents should have gotten a 4 BR house, really. They shouldn’t have put you in this position and they definitely shouldn’t be emotionally manipulating you for the choice you made (that they allowed you to make). They also shouldn’t be forcing you to be a big brother if that’s not how you feel.
I mean, be kind, develop some sort of friendly relationship with the kiddos for your own sanity, but parents shouldn’t force these things. It never helps.” GoblinKing79
4. AITJ For Being Upset About My Birthday Meal?
“I (23F) will be having my birthday on a Friday this year. As a family, we never go out for any meals, we don’t usually go to restaurants, not because we can’t afford it, but because it’s not a norm in our family, while many others do it in our country.
For this year I asked as my birthday present from anyone that we go out for a birthday dinner at a restaurant of my choosing (not overpriced by any means, we have been there once and I would love to go there again). As everyone will be working that day because it is a Friday, I thought that a dinner would be best.
Today, my mother told me that she made a reservation at this restaurant for 3 PM. Now, that is not a dinner by any stretch and it was a long talk with her before as well to even agree to a restaurant meal. She hates going outside, no matter what for and I thought that for my birthday she could make an exception, as we always adjust everything to her need of not wanting to go anywhere.
This is absolutely not the first time that the things I ask for are overlooked or adjusted without them even telling me just because my mom thinks she has the authority to do that. I am a huge people pleaser and I always try and appease her at my own expense.
Last year she didn’t want to give me a singular book series for my birthday while giving my younger brother crazy expensive concert tickets for his birthday.
So this time I put my foot down and asked her why she made this change when I asked for a dinner.
She said that she already asked everyone (except me, the one whose birthday it’s going to be…) and everyone was in agreement with the time and place. After I voiced my annoyance at this, she called me ungrateful, told me that I am not normal for “always attacking her” (if we say anything that is against what she thinks/says, that is an attack to her) and that she can’t do anything right.
She often uses such (in my opinion) manipulative language with me and even though I know it’s aimed to make me feel bad, it still does and I started crying. She told me that she is just going to cancel the whole thing and I should just do it how I want to, when I said that I would ask everyone about it and decide after that.
She is very angry with me and I don’t know if me being unhappy with this is justified or not. Sadly, I still live at home, because I’m going to start my master’s degree this September and I am trying to save as much as I can from my job until then, so I have to interact with her every day.
So was I the jerk for being unhappy with her going behind my back on this small issue? I haven’t even asked my boss if I can leave work early that day so I could attend the meal or not because I originally asked for dinner for this reason.
Should I just be happy that we finally go out to a restaurant for a birthday?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Obviously as you are the guest of honor your preferences and actual availability should be paramount in the planning. It sounds like she chose a time that she prefers – a selfish move – and then campaigned to get others to agree with it, which given the history of everyone accommodating her, probably came about pretty easily.
Honestly? Don’t go. This party is not for you. It sucks when this was what you wanted but you have to work. They messed up by planning an event for you without actually making it something you could attend. Lesson learned about your family.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“OP a sort of similar situation happened with me a few years back. I was at uni, and asked my friends if they would like to go out to dinner with me for my bday. They said yes and I was mindful to find something not too expensive and vegan for them.
Even sent them the menu with prices, which they agreed to. Come to the day like 2 hours before when I’ve already booked the table, friend 1 said to friend 2 “oh why don’t we stay in and do takeaway? It’s cheaper” without asking me. Friend 2 told me and I said “no I wanna go to this restaurant we agreed on,” and the friend 1 ended up sending me this big long nasty message saying I was selfish.
Well I went out for dinner with someone else and had a great time, and never bothered speaking to those 2 again. Basically, you are completely justified, and I hope you can get out of there soon. Your mother sounds like a very difficult person to live with, so you really do have my sympathies.” Rosienrb
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but sadly, people like your mother aren’t likely to change or respond to reason. They also don’t change when their actions negatively impact others or hurt them. Your mother doesn’t want to leave the house and that is more important to her than fulfilling your wish.
People should be flexible and adjust for her, but she doesn’t need to return that favour. That type of thinking. That sucks, but what you can do is working on not putting your energy into trying to change her, get her to see your point of view etc. Work towards independence and building relationships with people who treat you better.
Don’t give her more opportunities to hurt you. It will never be her fault, you’ll always be too whatever and therefore, she doesn’t need to work on herself. For your birthdays, that means don’t ask her for things you know she’s unwilling to do and don’t give her the opportunity to ruin plans.
Make your own plans, or plan with someone who isn’t under her thumb. One day you’ll live somewhere else and can plan a dinner for the people who will actually come to celebrate you. Don’t tell her about it until it’s all set up (and make sure she can’t call restaurants to change the time).
She can stay home if that’s what she wants. Until then, make the best of your situation. And maybe work towards less people pleasing, as that will negatively impact your life in different ways and make you more prone to others taking advantage of you.” SweetNothings12
3. AITJ For Leaving My Estate To My Best Friend's Kids Instead Of My Family?
“I (33F) received a terminal diagnosis earlier this year. I’ve got a couple of years, at best estimate, to get everything in order before I won’t have the cognitive ability to do so anymore. I’ve been working with a lawyer and an end-of-life care social worker to make sure everything will go as smoothly as possible, and my wishes will be respected.
I also have a complicated family situation. My parents were never married, and my dad died when I was 12 of the same condition I now have. He never married, so all his assets were put in a trust for me by my grandparents. My mom married after they broke up, and had my half-brother (26M).
He is severely mentally disabled. He’s a 7-year-old in a grown man’s body, and even with all the resources they can get, he’s very difficult to care for, and my mom and stepdad barely get by most of the time. They tried really hard to get legal control of my trust when I was living with them, but couldn’t.
I help out some when things are really hard, but I feel like my mom treats me like an emergency fund rather than her daughter, and my stepdad has been bitter about the financial stuff (my dad was very successful, and his family is well off) since even before my dad died. I don’t talk to either of them about my life because they always get passive-aggressive and guilt-trippy.
I’ve been trying to talk more with my mom now that I know I’m on borrowed time. We’ve never had a great relationship, but I wanted to try and resolve some of it. She’s been much nicer to me and more concerned since the diagnosis, so I thought it was ok to open up a bit.
I didn’t want her to be blindsided or feel like she has to take on anything since I’ve appointed another family member to be my medical and financial POA, so I talked to her recently about my plans. I told her that I know my half-brother is a full-time job, so I’m having other people take care of my care so she won’t be burdened. She was thankful for that, but then brought up how she always hoped that I would be the one to make sure my brother was taken care of when she was gone, and that in a way I still would be.
She would put whatever I leave behind into his care fund and would make sure he knows it’s from his big sister.
This is where I might be the jerk. I’m not leaving anything to my mom or brother. I don’t have kids, but I have been the favorite “auntie” to my best friend’s two children for their entire lives.
They are the light of my life, and I spend a lot of time with them. My BFF and I have been through a lot together. She and her husband have been the ones going with me to appointments and letting me crash in their spare room when I was too sick from meds to be home alone.
Whatever is left over after I’m gone is going to the kids for college. I know it’s money that could secure better care for my half-brother and take some of the load off my mom, but I feel like I want to help someone else now.”
Another User Comments:
“First I just want to say, I am very sorry to hear about your diagnosis and I am glad to hear you have a team of professionals helping you to make the transition easier. That is never an easy thing to hear or process, so please be kind to yourself and know it’s okay to have a range of emotions regarding this news.
You are NTJ at all. It sounds like your close friends have really been your support network through this and are going to continue being your support network. That is wonderful to have friends like that. Your estate should go to whomever you want it to go to.
Everyone seems to think there is this unspoken rule that family must be taken care of first – but what they don’t realize is family isn’t just about blood relations. Family is what you make of it. Your friend and their two children have been your family and support, so of course you want to ensure they are taken care of.
A college trust is an amazing thing to leave for them, and it sounds like they will be grateful. Please don’t give in to your mom and stepdad. Even if you did leave something for your brother, there is no guarantee it would be used to better his care (especially since they have tried to get access to your trust fund before).
Stick to your feelings and wishes.” Lucky_Six_1530
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m in a similar boat: I’m three years into a 3-5 year life-expectancy after diagnosis. I am married, and none of my children are technically related to me. I’ve done all the paperwork, planned and paid for my funeral… It’s surreal. There are things that are going back to my siblings – family jewelry and a few other things I’ve inherited. But the bulk of my estate- including any money that I inherited from my parents – is going to my husband and children.
One of my SILs was very upset that I’m not distributing my estate to “blood.” It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to make sure your wishes are followed. Your attorney will know how to minimize any risk of your mother challenging your estate.
Take their advice on how or if to notify your mother in advance of your death. If you have any inherited items or pictures that you feel ought to go back to either side of your family, now’s the time to make a list. Other than that, enjoy your friends and your niblings.
Do all the things you’ve always meant to get around to. And may you have a safe and peaceful journey.” MedievalMousie
Another User Comments:
“Your mom was grateful when she realized someone else was going to be assigned as your caretaker and that that responsibility would not fall on her.
However, she also assumed that she would be getting your assets upon your death. Now that she knows that she is not… Do not be surprised if she suddenly starts trying to worm her way back into your life as the doting, caring mother, rather than the person who attempted to steal your trust out from under you for a child who had no relation to your bio father, whose money she was trying to pilfer.
Do not forget that this is who she really is and will most likely go to great lengths to guilt and convince you otherwise. Stay the course, take care of your “real” family, and make sure that the Trust/will are airtight. My dad set up his will to distribute money immediately to some people and to also have trusts in place for the younger relatives or the ones who were irresponsible with money.
Not everyone was happy about the fact that they did not immediately get their hands on a bunch of cash. There was also a handy little clause in there that said that if any of the recipients contested the will then they would forfeit their shares immediately, and they would be divided equally among the rest of the heirs.
No one contested the will and everyone was just grateful for their shares. This will probably not be the case with your mom though, So try and cover all contingencies/bases with your attorney ASAP.” tamij1313
2. AITJ For Denying My Stepsister's Request To Borrow My Wedding Dress?
“I (F23) got married to my husband about a year ago. It was wonderful and probably the happiest day of my life.
My family was involved with everything, and I was delighted by it. Including my stepfather, who at first I had a somewhat rocky relationship with, but I grew to appreciate him.
His daughter (F26) is an entirely different story. We can’t get along. I’ve tried, and I’m sure she also has, but it’s not about being different; it’s because she has always had very similar taste as me. We used to fight about our clothes, our toys, and so on.
She has a relationship with a man whom I’ve gotten to know maybe 3 or 4 times. She announced her relationship with him during my wedding (which annoyed me at first, but I let it go since it was only a 20-second PSA), and they became engaged just 4 months after that.
Now, she has been planning her wedding, and I’ve tried to help as much as I can since I already had most contacts fresh. She plans to marry a day after Christmas, so I thought everything was set and ready to go.
On Saturday, she calls me crying, saying that her wedding dress wouldn’t arrive on time since she had some changes done.
For some context, no one knows how this dress looks because she wanted to “keep it a surprise for everyone,” per her own words. I tried to comfort her, and I told her I knew some cute boutiques that had nice wedding dresses ready for her date.
She cries harder, telling me she didn’t want any “cheap” dress. I tried to calm her down once more before telling her I would call my stepdad to see what we could do. Before I could finish that sentence, she says out of the blue, “Can I wear your dress?”
I didn’t respond, because I didn’t know how to. She goes on, explaining that it would make things less troubling, how she’s the same size as me, and how much she loved it the second she saw it on me. I don’t know what possessed me to simply say “No,” and hang up the phone.
I’ve received multiple calls from her, her fiancee, and my stepdad, who I did respond to. He pleaded with me to let her “borrow” my wedding dress, “just like when we were kids.” I tried to explain to him that my wedding dress was very special to me, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable letting anyone else in it unless it was my decision.
He got super angry with me and hung up. My messages have been exploding with my stepsister, her soon-to-be husband, and my stepdad telling me how horrible I am for being so selfish.
I know how my stepsister is. I know how dramatic and over the top she can be when she doesn’t get her way.
But there’s a part of me that feels awful for not letting her wear it since it’s just a dress and it would make her so happy. But there’s that other part of me that remembers how my husband, my mom, and I struggled to save for it because it was my dream dress, and I don’t want to share something so personal with her.
Should I just let her have it just so things don’t escalate?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe if it were ten years after your wedding, you might not have such a strong sentimental attachment to the dress. But it’s too soon. It’s totally fine to not want to see someone else in it, especially someone you’ve had a rocky relationship with.
It just feels icky, like, I don’t know, lending her your bed for the wedding night. Be as calm as possible, helpful if you feel inclined to be, but stick to your guns. “I’m sorry, but my wedding dress is too personal to share.” It’s not your fault your stepsister has mangled her planning, but it’s not the end of the world for her, either.
Just ride this out as serenely as you can, and say “No.”” TheRealSugarbat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, OP. Point blank, you are not required to loan, donate, or permit any of your possessions to be used. Ever. Realistically, a decent probability exists that the dress would not be in the same condition it is now if you let her wear it: stains, tears, sweat, it is all a part of life.
But if you want to hold onto this dress as a keepsake or pass it down to future children, that is something to factor in. Your stepsister could absolutely find another alternative. She doesn’t want to. She wants what was yours. It sounds like this is a behavioural trend/pattern of hers.
You are not wrong to draw and hold a line. Please don’t let anyone guilt you into giving it up.” Dramatic_Attempt4318
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No is a complete sentence. She asked, was rejected, and now she needs to be a big girl and move on.
Throwing tantrums at her age is just tacky. If I were you, I would lock down your dress. Wedding stress plus general craziness can drive people to do insane things like break in and steal a wedding dress. Move the dress, hide it, lock it up—whatever you got to do.
Then send her a text message reaffirming your stance. Why? Because you need a paper trail to prove you never gave her permission, in case she tries to spin a different story. Then ignore everyone. Hopefully, she’ll wake up and realize she is wasting time throwing a tantrum instead of looking for her own dress.” Good_Ad6336
1. AITJ For Keeping My College Ex's Painting In Our Home?
“I (31M) and my wife (29F) are currently moving into our first real house. As we were unpacking/sorting things into different rooms yesterday, she found a painting I’ve had for years and asked what the story behind it was.
Note: I’ve had this painting displayed for as long as she knows me (it hung in our first apartment we lived in after we got married), and she never had any problem with it before.
My college ex-partner was an artist and made the painting for me a long time ago.
It’s a nice scene of a park we used to frequent when we were together and is very good craftsmanship-wise, so I kept it after we broke up.
When I told my wife this, she got really upset and asked why I wanted a reminder of my ex-partner in our house.
She said it felt gross and that if she’d known who made it, she wouldn’t have let me hang it up in our bedroom in our previous apartment. I was surprised because I didn’t think it was a big deal. That relationship ended almost ten years ago, and I really just like the painting now.
It’s not like I think of my ex-partner when I look at it. I’ve just gotten attached to it over the years because it’s been everywhere I’ve been and captures a nostalgic place I used to be fond of when I was in college.
I tried to explain this to my wife, but she didn’t want to hear it and said she felt “icky” and didn’t want it in her house.
This then made me frustrated because it’s literally just a piece of art. In the heat of the moment, I told her she was overreacting and being dramatic and insecure. I said that she controls most of our decor, which is fine, but that I was allowed to hang my own things up too.
She then stormed off into the other room, and we haven’t really been talking since.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I’m just gonna take what you say at face value and try not to make my own inferences. I think she’s valid to be upset.
Some people view keeping an ex-partner’s presence or belongings as some form of attachment. I would guess it happens a lot in other relationships. Perhaps there’s some trauma there that she hasn’t shared with you. From some previous experience with an ex-partner in the same scenario.
I also believe you when you say you have no attachment to your ex-partner. I have clothes from my ex-partner that she left and never came to get, and my wife wears them and knows they were hers. She doesn’t care in the slightest. She actually bought one of the same shirts but in a larger size and a slightly different print because she likes it so much.
At no point do I ever think about my ex-partner wearing any of the shirts she left, nor do I wish I had my ex-partner instead of my wife (ex was abusive). It just depends on the person. I think you guys need to talk it out like adults.
If she truly cannot stand that it came from your ex-partner, ditch it. If you can convince your wife to mutually agree to keep it somewhere else, do that. I would bet everything I own that it’s not what you said but the way you said it.
At the end of the day, what’s more important to you? A painting or your wife’s feelings and security? Pretty easy decision, imo. Good luck, op.” ThatOneValorantGuy
Another User Comments:
“You’re both YTJ and NTJ. NTJ for keeping this art piece. The relationship ended 10 years ago, it has no meaning anymore, it’s literally just a painting to you right now.
It’s kinda weird that she’s that bothered by it after so long. What does she think is gonna happen, that you’re gonna one day remember your ex-partner by looking at it and run back to her? But YTJ too. You might not think of your ex-partner anymore when you look at it, but your wife definitely will think of her now every time she sees it.
It might feel to you like she’s overreacting and being dramatic about it, but she feels that way because it’s been in your possession for so long, even hung up in your bedroom, and you’ve never told her its meaning. She feels blindsided. If you want to keep the relationship, you can’t keep the painting, at least not in clear sight.
If you feel like you’re gonna resent her for it, it’s time to think of couples therapy. But seriously, the bedroom??” socialyawkwardpotate
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It ended a decade ago. You MARRIED someone else and she never asked about it before so personally I don’t think she should be losing it now.
I’ve been in a similar situation. My partner had a painting in his bedroom that his ex made for him. I didn’t mind at all. It was a gift and he had moved on and eventually moved IN with me. It’s also a beautiful piece of art that she gifted to him.
When we moved into our new olace, I found a painting that he hadn’t hung and when I asked why he hadn’t displayed it yet because I know how much he loved it, he told me his ex had given it to him and he didn’t want to upset me if he hung it up.
I was touched but told him that he should hang it if he wanted because we had just hung the previously mentioned picture that his ex had made for him. Turns out over the years, the fact his ex had painted it had slipped his mind and he just loved the picture.
It honestly baffles me that people are getting so angry that their partner has a past with another person and might have moments of that time. We both have stuff gifted to us by exes and honestly it would be a red flag if he insists that I throw everything out that someone else has given me.” lilzyp
