People Want A Clear-Cut Answer For Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Yelling At My Niece For Breaking My Spider Bracelet?
Yeah, no. This goes way beyond a fear of spiders.
“So I (19f) live with my dad (62m) and step-brother (36m) and my brother doesn’t get to see his kids a lot so it’s always nice when they come to visit.
About a week ago my niece (16f) came to stay here for a while.
Cool, I haven’t seen her in quite a bit of time and she’s grown up a lot. No issue.
After she gets here and we’re all talking for a while though, she notices my bracelet, and she looks pretty disgusted and kind of freaked out.
For some context, my bracelet is a real spider cased in whatever it is people use to case insects in jewelry. It was a matching bracelet I got with my friend back when I was 13, she had a fondness for bugs and I’ve always liked them too.
Around a year later she sadly passed away and I wear the bracelet everywhere now.
So I can understand my niece being freaked out, a lot of people have arachnophobia and hate being around even dead spiders.
No big deal, I just went to do my chores and got on with my day.
But pretty much every time I saw her after that, she would give me this uncomfortable look and wouldn’t get too close to me.
She didn’t say anything about it until a day later when she asked me ‘why I owned something like that’. I told her it meant a lot to me and that if it made her uncomfortable I would just wear longer sleeves and cover it up.
She didn’t say anything but I could tell it was still bothering her.
Fast forward about a day later, I go to take a shower and leave the bracelet in my room, but when I come back it’s not where I left it.
Nothing to panic about, I have cats and they knock stuff over all the time. I looked around my room for it, but no matter how much I looked I couldn’t find it.
I was getting frantic and asked my dad if he had seen it, then my brother, and then my niece.
All three said they didn’t know where it was, even after my dad helped me look.
However, the next morning when I was bringing the trash out, I saw something weird on the concrete.
At closer inspection, turns out it was my bracelet! Just cracked and kind of dirty. I was confused as heck since how did it even get out there? I knew someone must have got ahold of it, and the first person I went to was my niece.
She denied anything for a minute or two, but finally fessed up and said she was extremely uncomfortable with being in the house with it and tossed it out one of our windows while I was in the shower.
Of course I was freaking mad, and I will admit that I yelled at her. My brother asked what was going on and I told him, but he said that she only did it because she was scared. I call bullcrap because if you’re THAT scared of spiders, why would you go out of your way to touch the darn thing?
I know she’s only a teenager, but dang, I’m angry. It’s an extremely valuable item to me and I was in tears over losing it. My brother thinks I’m overreacting but my dad says it’s okay to be mad about this.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I HATE spiders. They’re neat to look at online sometimes, but I would never in a million years even look at a real spider, dead and trapped for eternity or not.
I certainly wouldn’t be touching the darned thing!
She’s 16, gonna be an adult soon. What happens when she gets a significant other, and they have pet spiders? Is she gonna kill them or let them loose?
Is going to continue to steal and break any item with a spider on it?
Honestly, I’d go full petty and buy every Halloween decoration with realistic spiders on it, put them everywhere.” JaimeGold27
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m terrified of spiders, alive or dead. But if you were wearing one as jewellery my thought process would be “weird scary bracelet is on her left hand, stay on her right at all times so if the completely dead and encased spider is suddenly the second coming of Jesus it won’t be anywhere near me”.
I wouldn’t even touch it, let alone go looking for it.
She thinks it’s creepy and doesn’t want you to have it. So she broke it on purpose. She’s old enough to know better.
If she has a phobia that intense for a common creature she needs therapy, not assurance that it’s okay to commit destruction of property.” Natural_Garbage7674
Another User Comments:
“Definitely ntj, she is 16 years old not 6.
She is way too old to pull crap like this, seriously she waited for you to be in the shower so she can yeet the bracelet out the window. If it’s possible, you should find someone to fix the bracelet if you can, and make your brother pay for it since it’s his responsibility since his daughter damaged your property in the first place, and if he tries to say, “That’s ridiculous for you to make me to pay for that,” you shut down by saying, “I find it ridiculous that -niece’s name- took my bracelet and damaged it the process and tried to hide it from me.” Your brother should be ashamed of himself to justify his daughter’s behavior in all of this because he needs to learn that your niece can’t take and damage things that’s not hers and lie about.
Do not back down from this issue at all.” Apprehensive-Fox3187
16. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Friend One Of My Rescue Puppies?
“I (26F) recently rescued a momma dog and her pups sort of unexpectedly. I mentioned to my friends that I was needing help finding homes for them.
My friend (25M) said he was wanting one. The way he said it I didn’t think he was genuine.
The background on my friend is that he’s married and already has a dog who he mentions is aggressive.
Which is why he’d love a puppy to socialize it with. And he has a toddler who I don’t think he cares for very well. Example as in not changing diapers for over two hours, his daughter barks and growls instead of talks, and he usually is doing substances in front of.
I try to stay out of his parenting because he can get very defensive.
On top of it all, he is always mentioning how much he struggles financially. Not having savings for bills or having to move due to needing lower rent.
As well as having no finances on hand. I seriously did not think he genuinely wanted another dog. So I didn’t tell him anything off the bat because of it. A couple of days later, I mentioned one of the pups has found a home.
To which he responded he’d like one. I kind of panicked because I know how he gets when he doesn’t get his way. So I talked with two of my closest friends.
My best friend of which agrees with me completely, the other, his best friend agrees with me somewhat. His best friend told me to be honest and that he’d help with whatever happened afterward.
So I was honest and upfront in telling my friend. This is what I said exactly.
“I know I really should’ve said something more honest sooner. I’m trying to find them the best possible homes that I’m capable of giving.
I really do appreciate you wanting one, but I don’t want to already overwhelm you. You already have two animals and a toddler. I‘m kind of looking for people who have a lot to give, and I’m hoping this doesn’t affect our friendship.”
He then promptly blew my phone up calling me a jerk for assuming his financial situation, saying he could provide and care for it and that I’m out of line and screwed up.
His best friend, the one who told me to be honest, pretended to not know anything about it. Telling me he didn’t want to stress his friend. Then told me, as my phone was being blown up with insults, that I should think about ways to apologize and move forward with the friendship.
I feel at this point that I am not the jerk, but the two of them are acting like I am. At this point, I’m seriously considering why I was his friend to begin with.
If I have to carefully think of what to say to avoid him blowing up. I wouldn’t trust him to babysit one of the pups let alone take one in. And after reflecting on how I’ve seen him treat his daughter I think I want to cut ties.
But maybe I’m just trying to avoid conflict… Anyways if you’ve read all of this I do appreciate it. I think partially this was to vent and to see what outsiders might think.”
Another User Comments:
“You know you are NTJ. You are doing the right thing by these pups and if he wants to get a dog you know he will but at least your conscience will be clear knowing you did right by the animals in your care.
Those animals are relying on you to do your best by them and you know his place is nowhere near that. Cut ties with these people. Do yourself a favor and realize that it is never worth having negative people in your life.
As a very devoted owner to dogs (who are family) I’m begging you to stand by what you know in your heart. Be strong and ignore what they say, do you really care what someone like that thinks of you anyway after all?” Existing-Drummer-326
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Him for his behavior and you for not calling CPS. It doesn’t matter if they’ve been called before (one more call adds to their case against him, it’s a battle of increments), if he loves his daughter (love is irrelevant, the child is neglected), or if your friends think it isn’t your business (it’s everyone’s business and you shouldn’t have even brought it to them before calling in the first place, CPS should’ve been your FIRST call).” inkpaperdream
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and thank you for looking out for what’s best for the pup! Some people get so overwhelmed with just the thought of having a new puppy that they completely forget about how much responsibility they are, how much time, effort and finances go into them!
If he struggles to manage the dog he has and a toddler, then I absolutely believe that the puppy will not be cared for properly. The fact that you’ve stated in another comment that he hits his current dog when it misbehaves just adds to it all, honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if it gets sick and bites him at some point.” ajay_ac
15. AITJ For Kicking Out My New Roommate And Suggesting She Gets Therapy?
“I (20f) got a townhouse with two friends Jane (21f) and Sam. Sam ended up not moving in with us and instead moved into her partner’s house. So jane and I asked mutual friends if anyone wanted a room after little to no luck Sam texted us saying her friend Sarah (19f) was looking for a room.
Everything was going well the first week. Sarah moved her stuff in she was fairly quiet and we only really saw her occasionally at night when she’d be up either pacing around the kitchen and living room or deep cleaning different rooms of the house.
At first, this wasn’t an issue. Jane and I deep cleaned the house before we moved in. so I had assumed she just wanted to make sure everything was clean before settling in.
One day I came home from work around 1 am to find all the food from the fridge and cabinets had been taken out and scattered all over the kitchen.
Sarah was standing in the middle of the kitchen with a label maker labeling all the food and putting it back in the fridge or cabinet in this weird alphabetized way. when I asked her what she was doing she said she was organizing and it was gonna be much easier this way.
I shrugged it off as maybe her trying to be nice. but later that day when I didn’t put the bag of carrot chips back in the C section of the fridge Sarah had a complete meltdown.
Screaming, Crying, and she even broke a mug. after she cleaned up the glass she stormed out of the room and into her bedroom. I was beyond confused at what had just happened.
I came home from a late shift. I was literally dead and wanted to just flop down and go to bed. Upon entering my room I saw Sarah had torn literally everything out of my closet and dresser threw it all over my room into different piles sorted by color.
After just working a super long shift and having to walk on eggshells in my own house I lost it. I began screaming at Sarah. I was so mad that she had made such a huge mess in my room without my permission.
Sarah Began trying to explain herself but I really wasn’t listing. I was super angry and kept telling her she needs therapy before telling her she needed to move out by the end of the week or I was gonna do it for her.
Sarah just looked at me and began crying and saying she was only trying to be nice and make friends.
I feel really crappy now. Sam told us that Sarah has always been a little OCD and I was being a complete jerk to a girl who had just moved to a new state and needed some friends.
Jane thinks I’m in the right and Sarah was invading my privacy made a huge mess and was acting really odd prior to that and that I shouldn’t worry about what Sam thinks. I feel like a mega jerk.
I don’t know if I’m in the right for this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have struggled with my mental health since 1997, and have been non-diagnosed my whole life, so I say this with kindness: Sarah needs to put in the work on herself.
It sucks. It’s hard work. It’s basically never-ending hard work. It sometimes feels super freaking unfair that my brain is a crazy witch and other people have chill, fun brains that just do what they are supposed to do.
However, that’s not my husband’s fault, old roommates’ fault, coworkers’ fault, maybe my parents’ fault (I’ve typed “fault” so many times it doesn’t even look like a word anymore) but regardless, it’s my responsibility to handle if I want to live the kind of life I want to live.
The labeling thing was already a bit over the line, had it come with a conversation (so, I struggle with OCD, and having the fridge this way will go a long way in helping me manage my daily anxieties) it could have been totally chill, but going into your room and messing with your stuff is a hard no. You are not the jerk; that is a perfectly reasonable boundary to have, and so common a boundary that it isn’t even often discussed. I’ve had roommates who’ve been like, “house rules: don’t take things without permission” but I have never had a roommate say, “house rules: don’t come into my room while I’m gone and pull every single thing out and pile it up on my floor by color” because it simply shouldn’t need to be said.” Repulsive-Exercise-4
Another User Comments:
“Sarah’s behavior screams mental illness. I understand you were exhausted and just flipped your lid, but still, gentle YTJ. Her behavior is certainly beyond your pay grade, but maybe you could call her parents or something.
She’s more than a bit OCD. I suspect the move has triggered her severely. Talk to Sam as well, she seems to know her better. Many others will tell you it’s not your problem.
Well, it actually is because she is also a tenant. You can’t just kick her out on a whim. We often get hit with problems we don’t want to deal with, and it’s not fair that some things become our problems. But it is what it is, crap happens, and we have to deal in a reasonable, responsible way.
Edit to add…reading through these responses made me mad. An episode of severe mental illness means the person literally cannot help their behavior. It’s a medical issue. She needs medical help. There are certainly some mental illnesses that don’t cause a person to be out of control of their behavior, and different levels as well.
Sara, at this point, untreated and in a life upheaval, seems to be struggling with a major episode on her own. Someone needs to recognize that.” EntertainerFlat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- This is not “a little OCD.” I have no idea how she thinks putting every piece of food in the house in alphabetical order and screaming at your roommate for not conforming to that, and then invading her privacy and leaving clothes in piles all over her room is going to make her friends.
It sounds like she does need therapy considering how aggressively she reacted to something as small as a carrot not being in the correct spot in the fridge. Coming into your room and touching all your clothes is extremely inappropriate too in my opinion.
Did she also pull out and sort your intimate clothing? I find it creepy either way but if she did that it’s even grosser and clearly crossing the line. I don’t blame you for kicking her out for such outrageous behavior.” Probswearingsweats
14. AITJ For Losing My Ex's Late Mother's Bracelet?
“Me and Josh were together for two years before we broke up. His mom passed when he was a kid. He grew up without a maternal figure or knowing much about her, aside from a picture and a handful of things.
During our relationship, he gifted me a bracelet for our first anniversary. It was clearly old and cheap, but I thought about the gesture, also seeing him unusually excited. He gave me the bracelet happily without any explanation or whatsoever, only saying he’s glad that I have it.
I wore it a couple of times. The first time he didn’t notice until I pointed it, out and the next time, I doubt he noticed at all, but I can’t say it’s among my favorite.
It’s not really my type of jewelry and it’s definitely not suitable to be worn in a formal context.
Anyhow, I kept it among my other bracelets and wore it from time to time.
Apart from when he gifted it to me, Josh had never once mentioned it again. When we broke up, I didn’t want to keep it among my other jewelry, so I planned to move it to a box with various pieces of jewelry that I don’t wear often.
Before I had the chance to, however, my niece asked me if she could have it. I gave it to her without second thought as I never particularly liked it and the only sympathy I had towards wearing it was because it was a gift from Josh.
My niece took it to school and ended up actually losing it. She sounded a little apologetic telling me, but honestly, I couldn’t care less about what happened to the bracelet.
Some time later, Josh reached out to me to ask about his MOM’s bracelet.
He even apologized about making the total jerk move to ask for the gifts back after the breakup. Side note, he gifted me a lot of jewelry and clothes during our time together, most of them being above-average quality.
I assured him it was alright, I totally understand, and I’d happily give it back, only he never gave it to me in the first place. He said it’s the bracelet he gifted me for our one-year anniversary.
My jaw hit the floor. I told him what happened with it and that I had no idea it was that important to him. Maybe if I knew, I’d treat it much more carefully.
Josh freaked out. He started calling me a witch for breaking the little connection he had with his mom. I reminded him HE NEVER ONCE TOLD ME it was his mother’s. He said it was disrespectful to throw it away anyways since it was a gift. I told him WE BROKE UP and there was absolutely no reason to hold on to a thing I didn’t actually like just because my ex gifted it to me.
He continued with his insulting, so I said, “I’m sorry I can’t help you, but it’s not my fault” and hung up. He texted me calling me a jerk and telling me he’s disappointed in me for doing such a thing.
I left him on read and haven’t talked to him since. AITJ?
Before you say anything, I want you to think about what have you done with the gifts you didn’t like or couldn’t use and how many gifts have you regifted?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if it was truly important to him, the mom connection would have come up, probably more than once. And you know what? Even if he HAD told you, the onus was still not on you to keep his sentimental items past the end of your relationship.
He should have immediately asked for it back when y’all broke up. You aren’t a storage facility for his memories.
To answer your question: Once a person gives a gift, they lose all control over what you do with said gift. It is no longer theirs to lay claim upon.
As a minimalist with 2 young kids (and #3 on the way), and multiple sets of generous grandparents, great-grandparents, & aunts/uncles, we donate a lot of toys and other kid gear, sometimes just days after being gifted it.
My kids are ADHD, just like their dad and I, and we can’t function well surrounded by piles of stuff, even fun stuff. Give them a mostly empty room, and they’ll play for hours, but give them a room with toys everywhere, and they’ll almost immediately be asking for an episode of Bluey or complaining of boredom.
I have zero regrets about getting rid of gifts.” Falconfree42
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Personally, the fact that you disregarded it based on its value alone shows what kind of person you are, but that’s another thing.
Most people return gifts they get in a relationship. If you didn’t like it so much, you could have been courteous enough to do that.
The other part that strikes me is your ending.
You are asking if you did the right thing by asking us to reflect on an action we took. What if we were the jerks? No one here is asking for judgment, and the fact that you preface it that way means you already knew and are looking for validation.
I hope you got it.” warren290059
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He had plenty of chances to tell you what the bracelet signified and meant to him while you were in a relationship with him – and you may well have given it back to him when you woke up had you known.
Him being giddy that you wore the bracelet doesn’t mean it was anything more special than a face-value anniversary gift.
He’s probably met someone new and wants to give them a tatty old bracelet for their first anniversary.” IllustratorSlow1614
13. AITJ For Leaving My Mom Without A Babysitter For My Little Sister?
“Just a little info before I start: I’m 16F and I have a 4-year-old little sister I’ve been taking care of day in and day out, sometimes all night, since I was 12.
So my mother has always been a hard worker, but she also has a drinking problem and neglect issues. This leads to a lot of arguments between the two of us that sometimes turn into us not talking for a few days.
One of these arguments was quite recent and it was about how I don’t do a lot around the house, which makes me angry because she sleeps a lot of the time while I make food for my little sister and make sure she doesn’t injure herself.
So when I started telling her how I felt, she blew up at me, telling me that I should be grateful for what I have because a lot of kids don’t have what I have.
I told her that I am grateful and that I just want breaks from time to time because taking care of a 4-year-old is mentally and physically draining. She then replied with, “You wanted to be a big sister” to which I replied, “Yeah, I wanted to be an older sibling, not a second mother.”
She started yelling at me, and for the rest of the night, we went back and forth on who was in the wrong. The next day, I told her that she’s gonna have to take care of my little sister for two weeks because I’m gonna go stay at my father’s house.
She told me that I couldn’t because I had to watch her. I then said “if you’re not going to let me take breaks here, then I don’t want to watch (my little sister’s name).”
She told me that I was being selfish and that she feeds me and keeps a roof over my head. I told her I don’t owe her anything for her doing the legal minimum, and all those things are what I’m supposed to get since I’m her daughter.
I know it was harsh, but at the moment, I was mad that she thinks she’s the only one that deserves breaks. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Hey- as someone who also had a neglectful mom with drinking problems, I’m so so sorry.
I ran away to my dad’s house when I was 14; that living situation also wasn’t great, and it took a lot of time, but eventually, things did get better. It’s hard to believe when you’re still in the situation, but life will change going forward, and as someone with similar experiences, I really, really recommend seeing if you can move to your dad’s permanently.
I know it feels cruel to call cps on your mom (me and my siblings have a similar story where I was the younger sibling involved), but it really is the safest option for your sister.
I am sending you so much love and hope, and please treat yourself with kindness at this time. NtJ.” platypusfan11
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And everything you told your mother is true. You are NOT the mother, she is, so your sister is her responsibility.
She is also required to provide those things for you, at a bare minimum, as your parent.
Perhaps have a talk with your father, and see if you can live with him? You are at an age the court would take your wishes into higher regard.
Do not let her do this to you. I had a mother who was not so great. I took care of my younger siblings, starting at about the age of 7 or 8. I cannot tell you how long I carried around the guilt of thinking that the way they turned out was MY fault because I was the one that raised them when that should not have been my responsibility, to begin with.
It took me years of therapy to not beat myself down for this. What happened to me…and is happening to you…is uncalled for. It’s called parentification. You deserve the chance to be you, be a teen, have fun, and not be chained to taking care of a sibling.” GoddessLeeLu
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I wish someone would’ve told me this when I was growing up, but your responsibilities right now are to be a kid, enjoy time with friends and get good grades.
Not only are you doing more harm than good for your mother and sister, but you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of feeling obligated to responsibilities that are not yours.
It’s hard to confront the sense of guilt that you will feel by leaving, but you owe it to yourself.
You should make a plan to live with your father more permanently and don’t be afraid to call CPS on your mother.” scoobyduhh
12. AITJ For Telling My Brother That We're Not Full Brothers?
“My family consists of my mom, stepdad, older brother Dare (19), me (17f), half-brother Jay (11m), half-sister Leigh (9f), and another half-sister Becca (8f).
Dare and I lost our dad when I was around 2, and he was 4. Mom always struggled with his loss, and she removed all traces of him from our home, and when she remarried, she asked us to accept her husband as our dad.
Publicly, we call him dad, and our half-siblings never knew the truth. Privately, Dare and I use his name when it’s just us and him. Not around Mom because we know she wouldn’t like it.
When I was around 10, I started having mental health trouble that only got worse the older I got. Until finally, last year, my formal bipolar diagnosis came. My dad had it. We were never unaware of that fact.
It really hit me hard. I always thought about Dad and our grandparents, and we secretly see behind our half-siblings’ backs because Mom and Stepdad don’t want them to know. Mom especially.
It’s not so easy.
Pretending. Lying about who my dad is. Having to act like everything is a-okay and that there isn’t something, someone, missing. Having to act like I really consider my stepdad my dad.
It’s been rougher more recently.
Jay has been freaking out about getting bipolar from me and knowing it can be passed down in a family. He’s been learning a lot about it since me. My mom would always tell him it wouldn’t happen, but he would ask how could she know; I could be the start of it.
Dare told her to tell Jay the truth, and she said that doesn’t need to be spoken. Jay started freaking Leigh out, who worries she’ll get it now too.
So I told Jay about us being half-siblings and how I got it from mine and Dare’s dad.
He was so shocked and mad at Mom and his dad. Mom asked me how I could do that. How could I hurt her and my dad. My stepdad told her I never considered him my dad, and he always knew that.
She told us he is my dad, that he is the only dad I have and that should be all anyone needs to know or think about. She told me I overstepped and I hurt my family.
I told her she hurt me and Dare by asking us to lie. And that the truth is always going to be there, even if she doesn’t want it to be. All my half-siblings know now, as do more people who didn’t.
I do feel bad because I didn’t do it to hurt anyone.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It sounds like your stepfather has more compassion about the situation than your mother. Perhaps it would help if you two talked without your mother around?
He knows you don’t love him and everything else is out in the open. It’s a good time for you two to figure out what you want your relationship to be outside of your mother’s wishes.
It’s also a good time to explain to him how the lying about everything is harming the whole family, including the younger children.
Since he knows you don’t see him as a dad, maybe a good first step is figuring out a different title you both feel comfortable with.
If he continues to go along with your mother, or worse, that says a ton about his character. But maybe now that you are old enough to talk to him honestly about everything he can become an advocate for a better family dynamic.” EmpressJainaSolo
Another User Comments:
“My sister is my half-sibling. None of us knew until I was 10, my (full) brother was 12, and my sister was 15.
I’m very glad u got to tell ur half-siblings the truth out of love because my sister had to find out because of hate.
When my mother became pregnant with my sister, her partner left her and she was dealing with everything on her own. After she met my father they came to an agreement; he could sign the birth certificate if that was what he truly wanted, but they had to take the secret to their graves.
After my father left my mother when we were kids, he decided for some unknown reason to tell his children from his previous marriage about my sister’s paternity. She got a disgusting message on one of her socials; our half-brother was calling her terrible names, calling our mother even more vile things, and dropped the bomb on her: our father isn’t her biological father.
We didn’t give a single crap, obviously. She has always been and always will be our sister, but the way she found out definitely affected her. She all but deleted all social media and basically refused to use the internet unless absolutely necessary for a very long time.
She was so constantly worried about another family secret being dropped on her that she basically spent a month interrogating every family member she could reach for every single family secret (oh doggie did we learn a lot).
When we ran into our half-brother in a mall a few years after it all came to light, we had to usher her out of there because the second she laid eyes on him she turned red and started shaking and hyperventilating.
It is not your fault that ur mom is dealing with all the trauma, she should have never shoved it all onto you and your brother. Being honest and open is one of the best ways to handle blended families and ur mom has not only affected her relationship with u and ur brother because of this, she has also driven a wedge between all her other relationships because now people are going to be wondering what else she’s hiding
NTJ.” RepublicOfLizard
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was hurting you by making you lie and she was hurting the young kids by deceiving them. Blended families are normal, and actual good ones don’t care about the additional, separate family branches.
Your mother doesn’t get to pave over grief with cardboard and historically revise you into a cookie-cutter nuclear family. Erasing your late father is disgusting, and she needs some freaking therapy.
Your mother caused this.
This inevitable, preventable, unnecessary fallout is her fault.
And you don’t/shouldn’t have to call her husband Dad- only you, the child, matter in deciding who you’re comfortable calling a title as personal and important as Dad.
You don’t exist to placate grown adults or roleplay their little fantasies. Your emotional needs trump their emotional wants.” myBOfuelmissiles
11. AITJ For Needing A Break From My Children?
We all need, and deserve, a break.
“My partner and I are parents of two kids (6-years-old & 3-years-old).
My partner and I both work full-time jobs and strive to have lots of quality time with our kids on evenings and weekends.
My partner and I rarely get any alone time. The only time we do is when the kids go to bed and that’s when we are working on household chores together.
We have been trying to go out for dinner once a month and have a date night. When I ask my mom to watch my kids she always complains that her and my dad never had nights out together when me and my siblings were kids.
Very rarely will she watch my kids. My inlaws, however, have started talking to the kids for monthly (1 night) sleepovers-they love having my kids over and my kids love going. My mom doesn’t understand why they have to sleep over at my in-law’s house, but my kids are always asking to sleep over at my parents’ house, and my mom always said no.
My partner and I have just booked a weekend away. We are really excited to go away and not have to do any laundry or chores for the two days. I told my mom that we are going away because we need a break and just some time to relax.
My mom has accused me of not wanting the responsibility of being a parent and told me that if I was going to pawn off my kids all the time I shouldn’t have had kids.
I told her it’s perfectly normal to need a break from your kids.
My mom said “you get your break when the kids go to bed” and she and my dad never went away so why should my partner and go away.
I told her it’s important for us to be able to reconnect and spend some quality time together without being interrupted by two kids. We have made arrangements for my kids to stay with my in-laws.
She accused me of being an irresponsible parent for putting my needs of alone time with my partner before my kids. We love our kids, but we also miss spending time with each other doing fun things like we did before we got married and had kids.
So I want to know am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Oh, so NTJ!
Parental burnout is real! You can’t be the best parent if you are always running on empty.
Additionally, you aren’t just parents, but you are partners and as such, that relationship needs to be nurtured in order to keep it alive.
Your kids deserve parents who are working together as a whole and who have the mental and physical energy to give to them.
In your mother’s day, I would imagine that things might have been different.
Perhaps your mom didn’t have to work outside the house full time, so the house and kids were her job. (not that its not hard being a SAHM, but being a Parent AND working FT is difficult).
You are not being irresponsible parents for needing time away. And I bet your in-laws are tickled to pieces to have the kids for the weekend AND the benefit to your kids having a good relationship like that with their Grandparents is beyond measure.
It’s too bad your parents aren’t interested in having your kids more. I know being a Grandparent has been the most rewarding ‘job’ I have had.” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Some people seem to think that if they went through a bad time in a given circumstance, others should have to do so, too.
It’s how bad situations are perpetuated. People with a more generous spirit would gain empathy from a tough experience and be supportive. You mom clearly isn’t being supportive, and distancing from her toxic accusations is reasonable.
The next time she makes a BS accusation that you are being an irresponsible parent, tell her that her accusations are hurtful and untrue, and if she doesn’t stop, you will leave/hang up/not respond to her.
Then do it (because she will almost certainly violate your boundaries). Either she’ll modify her behavior when she learns there are consequences, or you’ll avoid her toxicity by removing yourself from it.” ProfEmerita
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Wow, is your mother the jerk here.
You aren’t pawning your kids off on anyone. You’re giving them a chance to visit grandparents who are delighted to see them. Everyone will have a lovely time and you’ll all be happy to see each other when you get back.
Time to reconnect when you aren’t exhausted is super important. You’re so smart to arrange it.
As a parent who’s been through some stuff lately, I also want to point out that a history of routine, enjoyable time with non-immediate family is a lifesaver when family emergencies hit.
Fun sleepovers with grandparents reduce stress and uncertainty if someone’s appendix bursts and the kids need to stay with their grandparents.
I hope you have a great time on your trip.” eaca02124
10. WIBTJ For Putting My Ex's Cat To Sleep Without His Knowledge?
“My ex (28m) and I (26f) broke up late last year after 5 years, we had a place together and have two cats, a younger cat YC (6f), and an older cat OC (18f). They were both adopted by his parents when they were about a year old and the OC was the Ex’s cat since he was a kid.
YC bonded with me primarily. When he was unfaithful to me, and I kicked him out, Ex said as soon as he has his own place that he would come and get OC, as he couldn’t take her to his parent’s house due to their high prey-drive dogs.
He said maybe 3 months. That was 11 months ago.
I actually learned about 2 months in that the ex wasn’t planning on coming to get her at all, from a mutual friend. He didn’t even tell me himself and had blocked me almost everywhere so I couldn’t reach out, not that I wanted or tried to.
Which was fine as I for the last 2 years of our relationship had paid for all their vet bills and 80% of food/litter/things anyway.
Here’s the current situation; OC kidneys are failing, she’s lost a lot of weight and it’s getting to the point where in the next couple of months, I will most likely have to have her euthanized. She was old when I met her, and now she’s ancient.
My ex and I from year 2 have given her 6 months at a time for assessment as she’s always had some health issues, nothing major but we knew she was getting up there in age and gave ourselves some criteria and prepared ourselves for the day we would have to inevitably have to put her down.
(Things like not eating, drinking, not making to the litter box, pain indicators, etc.) While she hasn’t hit these specific things, the increased water consumption and weight loss tell me that her kidneys are not doing good.
I’m not going to do kitty dialysis or fluids, as again, she’s 18 years old.
I have always considered OC my Ex’s cat, but he essentially abandoned her without a word to me.
I have given her a good clean safe home the last year, and another mutual friend told me my ex recently got himself a kitten. Good for him, whatever. All her vet documents are in my name, and for the last year, she has had a cushy spoiled retirement.
Here’s where I may be the jerk: I do not want to tell him when I have to put her down. Every interaction we have had since we split has consisted of him being hostile towards me, and the fact he couldn’t even notify me himself that he wouldn’t be picking up his cat shows me that he didn’t care for her that much.
I could let him know, either through a friend or his family that it’s time, but I don’t want to have to deal with him at all.
Legally I own the cat btw, in my state it really ends up being who has paid for the expenses for an animal for a year.
She was technically mine before we even split.
So, WIBTJ for putting down my Ex’s cat without telling him?”
Another User Comments:
“As someone in the veterinary industry, YWBTJ.
You’re doing the right thing in the cat’s interest by opting for euthanasia but not bothering to tell your ex is a jerk move.
I can’t see a legitimate reason not to tell him in this post (such as safety concerns) beyond that you just don’t feel like it.
At least make an effort to inform him. This is his childhood pet.
Don’t keep him out of the loop out of spite.
Edit to add: what do you gain by not telling him?” GreenRedCrescent
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ, if you made zero effort, but not hugely.
As much as you may not want to deal with him, it was his childhood pet. I feel I would want to know if I was in his position. But that’s me, you have a better idea, and it does sound like he doesn’t really care.
My only concern if he does find out down the road: do you think he is going to be better or worse to deal with than if you tell him beforehand?” Blake_Raven
Another User Comments:
“ESH At most a soft YWBTJ. ExBF is a jerk but it was still his childhood cat. You have every right of ownership to do as you please with OC but I think general human decency and compassion for another human would lead you to let him know that OC isn’t long for this world.
If you don’t want to see him have a friend come over so you can leave and he can say his goodbyes. You certainly don’t have to, but you sound like a genuinely nice person and that would be the nice thing to do.” Kayaker170
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He abandoned that cat and has no rights anymore. She’s your cat now. (He will still complain if/when he finds out though.)
When the time comes, ask your vet about an in-home euthanasia.
We didn’t know it was an option when it was time to say goodbye to our 19-year-old cat and it’s bothered me ever since that her last day involved a ride in the kennel and in the vet office.” stringrandom
9. AITJ For Forcing My Friend To End Her Vacation Early?
“My friend “A” and her family have a 2-year-old pug.
Two weeks ago A asked if I could watch the pug while her partner (45) took her on vacation. I really like dogs and her family was also gone.
The issue is that the last time I watched him (about a year ago), he had horrible diarrhea, throughout the night. Come to find out that since he was refusing to eat dog food, he had been on a diet of bacon, eggs, and cheese.
The cherry on top of the cake was when he came out of my bathroom with my used tampon in his mouth and swallowed it before I could do anything, so at 7 in the morning, after having spent the night cleaning up his diarrhea, I had to rush him to the animal hospital.
This time I told her absolutely not. Eventually, her partner offered me $1,000 for the 5 days as payment. Honestly, I needed the pay, so I accepted under the condition that he would only eat his own food before I got him.
The first night, I brought him out at 11 pm and headed to bed. You might already sense what’s coming.
At 7 am, I find him laying on my sofa, and on top of my white plush blanket, was a massive liquidy poop.
Alas, accidents happen. I messaged my friend and she promised to get me a new blanket so I threw that one out. However, he kept having diarrhea throughout the morning. I was suspicious so I called A and told her what was happening.
She told me he must be stressed. I told her I’ll have to bring him to the vet to confirm because I was worried. She didn’t want me to but I kept insisting until she admitted that she did feed him some cheese before she left, but it was a very small piece and she tried reassuring me the diarrhea wouldn’t last too long.
I told A that rules are rules and she needs to come to get him. She begged and pleaded, but I remained firm. A was back the evening of the next day, took the dog, and told me I can forget about any pay or a new blanket.
I’ve told this story to some friends and family, and opinions are split. Some say a deal is a deal, some say I was the jerk for making her leave early, especially as she was paying me.
I should have just allowed her to come back after 4 days, gotten paid, and then just refused the next time.
Just to clarify, they paid me $1,000 because the dog is untrained and I have to train him; otherwise, he could become a danger to himself and others.
He has huge separation anxiety so he’s not the kind of dog who can just chill; I have to give him constant attention for the 5 days. Similarly, he’s not crate-trained. It would have been traumatic for him to spend the first night in a crate.
Plus, her partner is rich, and 1k is nothing for him.
I wasn’t upset the dog had diarrhea. I was upset the dog had been intentionally fed food that he was allergic to, right before I was supposed to care for him.
Yes, at home, they feed him cheese and then just ignore the fact that he becomes sick from it. I don’t know why. I think they think it’s funny/cute. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You had rules.
Also, W*F is she doing feeding that dog cheese, especially right before she drops him off for a week? He obviously can’t handle it well.
“Very small piece of cheese,” indeed!
QUESTION: Do y’all not have places that board dogs in your area? If you do, do you know how much they cost? I searched in my area, and it looked like they typically came in under $100/night.
If the man is willing to pay you $1,000 for 5 days (nights?), I would think that they could have easily paid approximately half that at a dedicated dog boarding location.
Oh, and she still needs to pay you for the nights you DID watch the dog, as well as for the ruined blanket.
She doesn’t get to not pay you for the services you did render.
Also, if she said that the diarrhea “wouldn’t last too long,” she must know that her dog has a chronic gastrointestinal condition.
Sadly, the dog’s chronic condition might be that he has an owner that feeds him cheese because she doesn’t want to try to find a palatable dog food.” HedgieTwiggles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I board dogs and walk them as a job.
I personally wouldn’t have taken him even for the pay with the history. I have plenty of dogs I won’t walk or board because of behavioral issues. I can totally understand doing it for $1k, that’s a lot of pay, but I always take payment upfront.
So do kennels, so if you’re ever in this position again, do so. Then you pay back the days missed if something like this happens. They are terrible dog owners and I feel for the dog.
Their laziness and refusal to train put him in danger, and his diet could cause real health problems like fatty liver and pancreas issues. Wash your hands of this friendship.” only_ozzy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but that poor dog! Bad enough that he’s a pug (therefore bred with such a short nose he struggles to breathe) – their behavior is borderline abusive. Constant diarrhea is SO bad for his kidneys and gut!
Plus untrained and has separation anxiety – his quality of life must be miserable. I have to wonder why you’d be friends with such awful people.” Awkward-Ad-1026
8. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Mom For Not Paying My Medical Bill Like She Said She Would?
“I (24F) gave birth a couple of years ago to my first child.
My mom (51) didn’t have much in terms of finances but told me “not to worry” about paying the incurred OBGYN medical bills (as my hospital bills were already to be forgiven). She made sure that I was very aware that she was taking the last $1,000 or so out of her retirement account in order to pay.
I never asked her to do this but she insisted this be her contribution so I made sure I thanked her every time she brought it up.
Fast forward to a month ago when I find out I’m pregnant again.
I call to make an appointment with my OBGYN but I am told I am not allowed to make another appointment until my balance of over $1,100 is paid in full. Completely blindsided me, as I thought this is what my mother insisted on paying for.
I asked my mom why I have this balance and she insisted she paid it and that they can’t be right and I need to tell them as much.
I told her she needed to send the office a receipt of the payment she made so this could be sorted out.
After not being able to find a digital receipt and taking WEEKS to find the physical copy, my mother informs me that, oops, she ended up just paying some random hospital bill (which should have been forgiven alongside everything else) that just so happened to be a very similar amount to the OBGYN bill.
At the very beginning of finding out about this bill, I asked my mom if this was a possible scenario but she insisted it couldn’t be.
Since these transactions happened nearly two years ago, the original OB bill of less than $1,000 now also has a collections fee on top of it, making it over $1,100.
After telling me all this, my mother hastily mentioned she has no savings right now and can’t help (so don’t bother to ask).
I lost it. I tried to hold some of the worse things I wanted to say back, but I did say things including how she was stupid for not even knowing what bill she was paying in the first place when she couldn’t afford to anyway, that she just ruined my trust in her for being able to competently confide in her in any way, and that I will never be allowing her to pull any other “generous” acts towards me ever again since it was just probably going to result in me having to pay more than the original full price anyway.
She got upset with me saying that I was ungrateful and everyone struggles and is tight on funds “at first,” to me insinuating that this new financial burden suddenly dumped on me by herself was just a natural consequence of my age and life experience level.
Sure, I could go to another OBGYN for now and make payments with collections. But my current OBGYN’s bills aren’t going to go away, and these are the doctors I’ve invested my trust in throughout my last pregnancy, birth, and the past 15 years of my life.
I’m planning to request an emergency fund from my college once the semester begins in order to be able to pay for this bill (if my request is even accepted), but AITJ for getting angry at my mom over this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
The bills are in your name, ultimately it is your responsibility to make sure that they are paid in full. Your mom sucks for not doing her due diligence to take this off your plate after saying she would, and you have every right to be mad at her.
But you also need to take some responsibility. Have they not been trying to collect on the bill for the past 2 years? They haven’t called you? It’s also concerning to me that you’re having a second child, yet you’re still in school and cannot cover an $1100 medical bill.
Time to grow up my friend.
ETA: after thinking about this for a moment I find myself leaning closer towards Y-T-J. Your mom has no obligation to be paying your medical bills, out of her retirement no less.
Stop having children you cannot afford.” salmonberrycreek
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your mom should come clean about whether she actually paid the bills or not, but berating her and calling her stupid for not paying your debt gets you nowhere.
Try to work out a payment plan with the OBGYN, stop relying on your mom to pay for necessary medical care for children it seems you cannot afford, either.
Your mom needs (desperately needs, from the sound of it) her retirement for, yes, her retirement.
She should not be paying these bills for you, period–if she’s pulling the last funds from retirement to do so, it means she can’t afford it. You act like it was your right to tell her she isn’t allowed to do anything “generous” for you again, but if you were a good daughter, you would have never accepted this “generosity” in the first place.” JeepersCreepers74
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You could have sorted this yourself but she insisted. She then paid the wrong bill and hid letters from collections from you- she wouldn’t have done that if she didn’t realize at some point that she hadn’t paid the bill, she deliberately hid them so you wouldn’t find out.
Since you seem to be in US, that’s stealing another person’s mail, and I believe it’s against the law. You were blindsided at your OBGYN office when you’d just discovered you are pregnant again, you have been given no time to save the funds or work out repayments and you need the medical care from your trusted medical team who you have built a relationship with over time.
She didn’t have to pay the bill in the first place but she insisted. She had opportunities to tell you, she didn’t. She could have explained that she paid the wrong bill, she didn’t.
She didn’t have to hide those letters but she did. She could have said she didn’t have any funds or needed it for something else but stayed silent.
She has created this situation. If she had unknowingly paid the wrong bill then she would not have hidden the letters, she’d have been as surprised as you when they arrived and you could have sorted it out.
Mistakes happen but she doubled down on her mistake and has now put you in a difficult financial bind after you trusted her during a vulnerable period. You have every right to be angry.
I don’t think you feel entitled to her savings, you feel like she broke your trust and now is blaming you for it and forgetting that she insisted on doing this against your protests that she didn’t have to.
Seriously, if she took letters addressed to you and hid them or opened them and never showed you then that’s a crime. That’s making you in debt for no reason.” Lulubelle__007
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with the unpopular NTJ. Your mom purposely withheld bills because she knew she screwed up. I doubt the s******p was intentional, but withholding the bills certainly was. Now she’s upset with you instead of apologizing and helping you figure out how to fix this.
Things happen. She made a mistake, she covered it up costing you more, you yelled at her. This is not an irreparable situation.
Have you asked the OBGYN office if you can go there while you’re on a payment plan?
Can your mom at least pay part of the bill? Worst case, you’ll have to find a new OBGYN. That sucks, I know, but it is what it is.” Curious_Discussion63
7. AITJ For Wanting To Go To A Different College From My Long-Term Partner?
“So my (16M) partner (17F) and I have been together for a little over 4 years now.
We met at summer camp when we were twelve and connected immediately. We live 5 1/2 hours apart from each other. Neither of us can drive yet, so we try to see each other whenever my brother can drive me which is every few months as well as video chat night, but we do always go back to camp every summer for 4 weeks.
Our dream since we were twelve was to go to college together. So that we could finally be together all the time. But now that we’re going into Senior year, I’m starting to worry about this plan.
Mainly because getting into a great school is very important to me, whereas it’s really not for her. I have a perfect GPA and SAT score, take all AP courses the last 4 years, am involved in many extracurriculars and clubs, work lots of community service and volunteer hours and am thinking about going D1 for Volleyball.
I plan on being a surgeon which is why I really want to go to a good school with a good premed program.
My partner is incredibly smart, way smarter than me, but school really isn’t that important to her.
She gets all A’s and B’s in 2nd and 3rd-level classes (her school has a leveling system out of 5), and she does theater and babysits, and that’s pretty much it. She wants to be an elementary school teacher which I know she’ll do great at.
She will definitely be able to get into college but just not the same type of college I want to go to.
We both have started looking at colleges and going on tours. In June we had a long FaceTime call comparing different schools.
Everything I suggested she just said there would be no way she could get in there. It made me really nervous and that night I thought of a compromise, we go to school in the same city, still see each other all the time but just go to separate schools.
I thought this was fair, her dream school is CUNY Hunter, and mine is Columbia, so I thought it could work. But she got really mad when I suggested it to her; she said going to the same school has been her dream for the past 4 years and now I’m backing out at the last minute.
We spoke about it a lot and she really tried to find schools we could both get into but a lot of them are not good for what I wanna do.
We agreed not to talk about it at all during camp and we had a great time.
But now we’ve started talking about it again. I feel like my compromise is fair, I brought it up to my sisters and they agree but also think I should’ve brought this up to her years ago rather than waiting til months before we apply.
I agree but I guess we just never spoke about school that much before now. We always said we’d go to school together but what school was never a conversation. But AITJ here?
Should I just try and find a school that meets both of our desires?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Relationship or not, you should really pick a school based on how the school fits you and your educational and career goals, your financial aid and scholarships, and the overall campus atmosphere.
In my experience, basing it on high school relationships (romantic or platonic), rarely works out in the long run. Once you start college, you’ll meet new people, work, and study a lot, and these are the criteria you should pay attention to when choosing a school, not a relationship.
I’m even more confused about the reaction based on your info, as the distance between those two schools is minimal. Columbia and Hunter College are both in NYC, both in Manhattan, and less than 30 minutes away from each other by train.
This is comparable to dealing with the distance between MIT and Boston College, or Drexel and Temple. You’re not going to be states apart from each other.” VanyaEl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You could not have discussed it “years ago.” You would have been, like, 13.
I’m going to be really blunt. Maybe your girl is your forever person, maybe she’s not. I don’t know.
What I do know is that this phase of your life is for making the best choices for you.
There will be plenty of time later in life to make sacrifices for the betterment of your relationship or family or whathaveyou.
If you want to be a d1 athlete, or a surgeon, or live in a certain city, chase that dream as hard as you can.
Your compromise sounds like the best possible case scenario. You get to be closer and both go to your dream school.
I can also tell you that I know a lot of couples that chose to go to the same college for each other, and ended up breaking up and resenting each other for not going to the school they really wanted.
I also know high school sweethearts who went to different colleges and are getting married next month.
It ok for your girl to be disappointed, but you have to do what’s best for you.” gcot802
Another User Comments:
“Look: when I was 12, my best friend and I planned to buy an extra apartment together (while living separately) where we would keep all our books and have a private library together.
That obviously didn’t work out because I’m paying a mortgage for my one-bedroom apartment, she’s renting a room from her another friend, and while I love her to bits, I am 27 now and I would not agree to sign a legal document with her.
That’s because at 12 years old you have big dreams but you’re still too young to know whether they’re realistic, or whether they’re even a good option for you to pursue.
You are very young and you have an entire future ahead of you.
The college you go to and the titles you end up getting will not determine your course inits entirety, but you should definitely focus on pursuing the best education that is available to you.
Your girl clearly has different goals than you do, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that – but at this stage of life, you as an individual should prioritize what YOU want to do with your life.
NTJ.” MicciMichi
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Reveal My Pregnancy To My Mom?
“I’m am an 18-year-old female. In the month of May this year, I found out I was pregnant but unfortunately, I lost the baby. Me and my man were absolutely devastated. I shut everyone out and began sinking into a depression.
Later on, when I started coming around I was trying to get back into contact with my mom bc she knew what I was going thru more than anyone in my family. But when I tried to call her on several occasions she kept declining my calls and I later found out my step-sister was pregnant.
So I text my mom and asked her to confirm and she did. But I also asked her if that was the reason why she stopped talking to me and of course, she said yes and that she had to focus on her “new grandchild” and that she doesn’t have time for “me being sad when she’s trying to be happy”.
Just reading that absolutely shattered my world. Bringing it up to now I felt really off about myself and just decided to take a pregnancy test on a whim. And when the time was up and we looked at it we saw a faint line.
So I decided I would wait 2 more weeks and test again and, sure enough, the test came back positive.
So AITJ for not wanting to tell my mom about my second pregnancy? Please don’t judge me for being 18 and pregnant!”
Another User Comments
“NTJ. If she founds out and contacts you, remind her that she was focusing on her new grandchild and you don’t have time to deal with her.
Honestly, this is just me, but I would probably go super low contact.
Don’t announce your due date (say something like arriving “arriving May 2023″), don’t tell her you are in labor (wait until the baby is born and you’re home and then announce it) and I wouldn’t invite her to baby showers either because you know she’s got to focus on that new grandbaby.” Reddit user
Another User Comments
“NTJ. That is an absolutely horrible thing to say to your child who just had a miscarriage. If it were me, I would be extremely petty about it and exclude her from this pregnancy because she excluded you from your step-siblings and your need for comfort after losing a child you wanted. Do you talk to your step-sibling?
If so, do they know about what happened? I don’t know if you are on good terms or not, but maybe you both can have a support system in each other.” Falling4Fandoms
Another User Comments
“If it wasn’t for a pregnant 18-year-old, I wouldn’t be here. I sincerely hope that your mother didn’t realize how her words came across to you, because, if not, that would make her an awful person, not just an awful mother.
You’re NTJ for keeping this to yourself, especially after what she said. I will assume you two aren’t all that close, anyway, so you tell her in your own time. If that’s next week, that’s your choice.
If it’s when your kid graduates from college, oh well. Right now, you need to worry about you and your baby, not about holding your mom’s hand. Plus, she has that stepsister to keep her occupied. Take care of yourself, and I wish you and your growing little family all the best. Did I mention you’re NTJ?” cometshoney
5. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Dad Move In With Me?
“I’m 24 F and living on my own 6 hours away from home for medical school.
I’ve been struggling with my mental health for the past two years and my parents have been aware of it.
Today, my parents “ask” me if my dad can move in with me. I put the word ASK in quotations because they essentially tell me that they are worried about me and that it would bring them peace of mind if someone was there wth me.
Further, they tell me that my dad already got a job transfer within the same company, to a lower position, just so he can make this transfer happen. There is no way to reverse this and I’ve never heard anything about these plans before.
My mom is the one who orchestrated all of this because she is the one who worries the most about me. She ensured that no one in the family, including my dad and brother, spoke to me of this until it was a sealed deal.
With my mental health issues, I’ve worked out a routine that works decently for me. I struggle, but I do things my own way, on my own time, and I value my alone time for those days that I don’t necessarily want to look presentable, be super talkative, etc. With my dad moving in, this will all change.
I won’t have the privacy to heal in the way that works for me because my parents like things done their way and always believe that they know what is best for myself and my siblings.
I know they mean well but it seems like to me that this is more about THEIR peace than mine.
This situation is painful for me because I don’t want to turn my parents down but having them there with me will only worsen my health.
They don’t understand this and think I am being selfish as they are worried. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “Mom, Dad, I am 24. I do not need a caretaker, and I don’t appreciate being held responsible for your anxiety over a situation millions of other young adults – even those with mental health issues – navigate just fine on their own.
I don’t want to have to stop giving you updates on what’s going on with me, but if your takeaway is that I need to be supervised 24/7, then I’m afraid you leave me no choice.”
If that doesn’t get the message across, simply reiterate that Dad is not moving in, and talk to your landlord about what to do if he shows up anyway. But I think I see where some of your struggles come from if your family thinks this is a reasonable way to guarantee their “peace of mind,” so put your foot down that’s something they need to take to a therapist because this is a non-starter.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I recognize it’s hard for parents to deal with their worries because my parents have struggled with me being bipolar. It’s more important that you are comfortable in your own space.
It would be better if your father got his own apartment nearby, so he’s there if you need him, and your mum’s worries are allayed.
My own parents have a deal with me that they call every few days to check on how I am (I don’t need to answer every time if I’m busy)…but I must speak to them at least once a week.
Texting isn’t sufficient as it’s too easy to disguise how you’re doing…but they can hear how you’re doing via an actual call.
Think about medication and some sort of behavioral therapy to help you cope better.
You don’t need to be miserable or have anxiety for days at a time.” CowsEyes
Another User Comments:
“I don’t have a judgment here, because I don’t know you, and everyone handles mental health struggles differently.
What I can offer you is some perspective as a 35-year-old bipolar lawyer:
I was diagnosed when I was 14. I went to college in a different state, presumably well-medicated. It didn’t go well for a number of reasons.
I had always been a straight-A student and finished high school a year early with a 5.0 GPA. College was overwhelming. But I kept insisting I was fine, I didn’t need help, and I could handle it on my own.
For law school, I made a different decision: I lived with my parents and went to the best school in the area. The most common reaction from my peers was jealousy. All I had to focus on was studying and my health.
My parents were an amazing support system who made sure I had clean clothing, a functioning car, healthy meals, etc. It sounds like it would be overbearing after having experienced living on my own, but in all honesty, most of what I felt was relief.
Like law school, med school is a huge commitment. If you’re struggling with your mental health, you’re at a disadvantage compared to your peers. Assuming your dad can provide a solid support system for you, don’t completely discount this.
This is an opportunity for you to focus and get some help with the slack. It’s ok to take help when it’s offered, and it’s better to take it now while you’re still managing than your suddenly be in crisis mode with no support.
I’m not saying you have to accept this – ultimately, if you truly believe it will do more harm than good, that’s your call. But from experience, I can tell you it might not be the horrible thing you’re dreading.” sashimiatlaw
4. AITJ For No Longer Waking Up My Younger Brother For School?
“I 15 f have a brother 14 m, named Toe (not real name) me and Toe are 9 months apart, but we are in different grades, I am a junior and he is a sophomore. He goes to a different school which is a lot easier for him, no homework, no testing, etc. My school is a lot more stricter and more difficult.
We start school this upcoming Wednesday, My mom had placed a bedtime for him and my younger brother for this week so they can adjust and get ready, maybe 9:30 – 45, I do not need this since I normally go to bed for school around 8 – 10, since we gotta be up by 6 and I tend to wake up around 5:45, and I normally wake up to an alarm and my mother comes and check if everyone is awake in case.
Now here’s the issue, Toe last year didn’t sleep until 12 – 3 am at night often and would be loud as I tried to sleep. And he wouldn’t wake up easily in the morning. My mother would try once, I would try once or twice, he would freak out and curse at me calling me names and then go back to bed. So it was a massive pain to wake him up.
Sometimes I would wait last minute to wake him up and leave before the bus got there, he would always make it, I knew that but I found it funny and didn’t wanna have my mom drive him to school, so I always woke him up.
This year, I feel stressed about my junior year and didn’t wanna have a rerun of last year. So I kindly asked him if he could go to bed at maybe 10 to 8 and if not be quiet at night at least as I slept.
He, wasn’t happy and said heck no and cursed me out calling me a witch and etc. And for the last week, him and my younger brother, have been screaming their heads off at 1am -3 am and I ask them to shush and my mother normally flips.
But nothing seems to work, if this is how Toe acts now, when my mother has enforced a bedtime now, I’m worried for Wednesday and how the school year is gonna be.
So I told him I wouldn’t wake him up anymore for school at all since it isn’t my job since if he wants to act like he can do whatever he wants, he can wake himself up, hes a 10th grader, I shouldn’t be waking him up, nor should my mom.
Just because he chose to stay up late doing nothing. He cursed me out and said I wouldn’t since I threatend this all last year, I’m being serious now, I’m tired. I felt bad for him back then thinking he is just adjusting.
But he hasn’t put effort into Adjusting at all. We’ve had to wake up since 6 am since we were 6th – 7th graders. I don’t think its my job
I don’t need to deal with cursing and being called names and fighting each morning.
And my mother does nothing about it or enforces the rules much
So WIBTJ for going through with this?
I get he’s a teen and I feel bad for my mom for having to drive him to school a bit if I started doing this, but its only a 5-10 min drive, when my school is a 30min drive.
Hes gonna be late a lot, I’ve warned my mother about this but she ignores me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it really isn’t your job to get him to get up. His behavior and habits definitely have to adjust but that’s going to be up to your mom to help him correct.
You do have a lot to focus on and this year of school will be important for you academically.
I would make my mom aware that you will be taking your studies seriously and that you can’t keep starting your day off trying to help him and being mistreated in return.
I would also get some soft foam earplugs for sleeping. They go a long way towards blocking out obnoxious people and you will sleep sounder.
It was my job to get all my siblings up for school, dressed, fed, and onto their buses because my mom wouldn’t.
I know how stressful that is and I hope your mom will understand why you can’t take that responsibility this year.” CunningSlytherin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- I dislike the boy being boys saying as it’s a lazy excuse to be an awful human being on the people saying it as it prevents them from having to deal with that person’s toxic behavior which usually continues into adulthood, causing preventable harm to others if their toxic behavior was addressed and corrected when it started. The suggestion of using the shower as soon as you get up before 6 am is awesome as he’s still first in the shower from his allotted time and you don’t have to wait.
As an adult I’ve learned a lot I wish I knew when I was younger about self-care, it’s extremely important and not selfish. You have a right to acknowledge your needs or boundaries and do what’s necessary to meet both.
No longer put yourself at the bottom of the list to accommodate the real selfish and lazy individuals in your life and focus on yourself. I wish you well at school.” A************1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, personally I don’t think anyone should stress themselves out over another person not getting up on time, even parents. He is old enough to get up but relies on you and your mom.
I know schools like to make it the parent’s responsibility but if he won’t get up there’s not much anyone else can do.
Get some sleep headphones, go to bed, put on a podcast, and worry about yourself.
I guarantee your brother will be angry because he’s not used to being responsible for himself.” sreno77
3. AITJ For Asking My Friend To Stop Posting Certain Artwork On Social Media?
“I play D&D with a group from college. One of the players is constantly posting NSFW art of her characters. I told her a few times that that kind of thing made me uncomfortable and to please not involve me in it, and was largely ignored. We’re now on the third campaign, and she brought a human character.
Her character got with the party’s Dragonborn fighter, and the graphic art started to come out of her boy being absolutely split in two by a massive dragon male part. I’m talking highly detailed, veins, crust, everything.
Another player and myself started asking her to stop posting stuff like that but was mostly met with “lol” and otherwise being ignored. I haven’t been counting, but we’ve asked her to stop at least eight times.
We’ve even told her she can just spoiler tag her art so that we have the option of not clicking on it while still being able to post art she’s proud of, but no dice.
I don’t care at all that her character is gay; I’m gay myself. I just don’t want to see the details after they go upstairs to the inn room and the DM tastefully fades to black.
So here’s where I might be the jerk. Last night, we were playing and a bathroom/snack break was called in the middle of the session, during which she posted more disturbing photos of her character and the Dragonborn.
She started talking about how much she loved the idea of her character getting railed by his dragon dude who was twice his size with a male part as thick as his thigh, and I snapped and said, “Can you please stop with this; it’s so gross, and I do not want to see them with each other.” She got really upset and left the game early with her significant other leaving too to go after her, which caused the D&D session to end early.
And now the group is mad at me.
I am sorry she got upset, but I’ve told her I was uncomfortable with it politely several times and been ignored, so while harsh, I feel like it was kind of necessary to get the point across.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“VERY slight ESH only because you snapped at her in front of everyone and insulted what she clearly likes. You could’ve easily confronted her in front of everyone by vocalizing you and your other friend’s discomfort in front of the group with a true heart-to-heart where you warn that if you and your friend’s wishes aren’t respected, you guys might not want to participate anymore.
All it takes is simple spoiler. I’m sure the rest of the group would agree it’s not that much work for her. Your other options (without possible conflict), there are easy solutions for this on Discord.
At least you can just block her which will result in all her posts needing to be clicked on to view them, or you can just disable images/links in Discord, so they don’t embed, and you’d either need to click on the link or download them for you to see it.” AlexRuiz_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I ask this as our group’s DM – what does your DM say about this? It’s always unfortunate, but as a DM, one of your tasks is that everybody has fun.
It’s like sending an uncalled for photo of one’s self. You don’t do that. It’s unfortunate that you snapped, though understandable. Not everybody is comfortable with everything, and we’re not talking about people not being happy with the couple, just not wanting to be a guest in their bedroom.
You’ve asked nicely, and while her positivity towards the topic of the artwork is great, the way she shoves it in your faces is uncalled for. There is a reason why DMs tastefully fade to black.
Adult scenes are bound to be awkward for everybody to watch.
It seems like part of her fantasy to share her artwork and to let everybody know how hot she finds it.
Talk to your DM.
If possible, bring other uncomfortable players and show your DM that you asked her to stop. Your DM is the deity in this whole deal, and in my honest opinion, they should make her either use spoiler-tags or implement a NSFW-arts channel that can be muted by everybody who does not want to see it.
Your DM should also make clear what happens if she does not spoiler or post in the dedicated channel, for example, deleting the picture via Admin-rights or banning her from the arts channel. Your DM makes the rules.
Get them on the boat.” daskleinemi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, all NSFW should have a spoiler or be hidden in a comment thread.
She’s subjecting people to adult material without them asking her to or being told she can and then continues to do so when the nonconsenting parties explicitly tell her to stop.
She’s getting off on making people see NSFW things; this is a turn-on for her. She KNOWS you and others don’t consent but still does it. This is deliberate and not done from ignorance.
Plus, from what you said about her openly talking about graphic, physically impossible gay acts means she gives zero craps about gay men and is fetishizing them and possibly you. It sounds like she’s doing this in front of you specifically.
I’m really sorry you’re having to play campaigns with a person like this. I had to leave a game because another player kept having his character make inappropriate assault jokes – including ones about children.
I asked them to stop and they told me it’s ‘not them it’s the character.'” junior_gorg
2. AITJ For Reaching Out To My Ex Four Years Later After I Was Terrible To Her?
“I dated this girl “Luna” (24F) back in college when I was 22 and she was 20. I had just gotten single since my girl of 3 years left my country and I was screwing around.
I met this girl Luna and found her beautiful and interesting, but mostly hot. She had just gotten out of a relationship as well because she discovered that her ex was gay and hooked up with a guy, so we hit it off.
She confessed to being pure, and I got intrigued, I confessed that I gave her a lot of attention and took her out for about 4 months until we made it official. I wasn’t feeling ready for a relationship, and I told her, and she was fine with that.
After some time, I confessed to having lost interest in her and began to miss my ex. So we went out one more time, and that was a disaster since she didn’t pay for her meal and then didn’t pay for gas as I dropped her off by her house.
I didn’t want to call her again, so I tried to be as rude to her as I could, and then she just told me to stay away for her as I just used her, and then it ended. Didn’t feel anything until she started seeing another guy 2 months after that.
Then, I got quite upset and I screwed up by telling my male and female friends a secret about her and that she didn’t pay me gas and her meal, then my friends screwed up by telling everyone within a 5 km radius about that until it got to her and then she told me I was the worst thing that ever happened to her and many other hurtful things.
I denied the rumors and then scolded my friends, but it was too late. I recognize having felt relief as she was very intense and wanted me to treat her as a romantic partner and demanded too much of me, then stopped thinking about her as I met someone else.
She blocked me on every social media available until 1 year ago, then I followed her even though she didn’t follow me.
I saw this other girl for 2 years, but we ended things, and after that, I have been thinking about Luna constantly, it’s kinda strange because I remember that I was annoyed by her and her intensity and only being interested in her body, but lately, I see her posts and found her even more beautiful and interesting than before.
She has a man and just moved in with him and she feels different. I wouldn’t be able to describe how she is now, but I am constantly thinking about her and dreaming about her.
I felt like I need to tell her how I feel, so I have been messaging her saying that I want to speak with her, but she leaves me on read always until a day came when she just told me to stop bugging her as I am a jerk who deserves nothing from her.
I feel odd about it since I know I did a lot of bad things, but it was so long ago. I don’t understand why she won’t give me one chance. I think I deserve that at least.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
When you hurt someone, they are not obligated to give you a second chance.
She has a partner. You’re literally suggesting she should end what I assume is a happy relationship just because you want a chance with her.
You haven’t spoken in years, and the last time you did, it was to hurt her, and you think it is reasonable she should dump her partner for you?
The way you talk about her is gross.
In fact, your obsession itself is weird and creepy. You do not know this woman. It has been two years. She is a different person now.
Please for the love of God, leave this poor woman alone.
You are harassing her. She’s made it known she’s not interested. Now the mature adult thing to do is to respect that. You are not entitled to attention from someone just because you are interested in them.
You’re either a troll or in desperate need of some therapy if you cannot understand what is wrong with this situation. Please get help so you don’t hurt other people.” Charming-Barnacle-15
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re not trying to reach out to her after you discovered how terrible you were to her. You don’t really feel like you were terrible since you don’t know why she doesn’t have any interest in talking to you.
You saw that your “back burner” girl has moved on. I’ve dated guys like you. You only want her around when it’s convenient for you. If you EVER had ANY ounce of feelings for her, take my advice and leave her alone and let her be happy with her partner.
Because you will never TRULY care about her how she deserves.” trustedcriminal
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You used her knowing that her first time was something special to her and that she had trust issues.
You whined to your friends about her not paying and told them about her listing her virginity out of spite. You caused those rumors because you have trash friends (and you know what they say about the company you keep) – you may not have told them to spread the rumors, but you told them knowing the kind of people they are.
You don’t know for how long she had to keep dealing with the repercussions of the actions of you and your little friends.
You even admit to being “relieved” of what happened because you were too much of a coward to break up with her so you resorted to being rude enough to make her break up with you.
Then when she started seeing someone else, you got stroppy and ran to your trash friends.
You didn’t “discover” you were terrible to her – you knew you were terrible the whole time. Your whole post shows that.
You just saw that she had managed to recover from the crap you put her through, met a better guy, and then you got interested again. You still don’t care you were terrible to her or else you wouldn’t be thinking you’re entitled to her time.
You didn’t want her but you don’t want anyone else to have her.
She owes you nothing. You deserve nothing.” ConfusedAF_Chicken
1. AITJ For Wanting To Ban My Stepdaughter From Her Hobby For Not Teaching Her Native Language?
I’d think Google Translate would be enough, honestly.
“My partner and I have four children between us (F14, M13, M11, F8, and F10). Aside from the obvious, we have one major house rule for all of our kids: no unmonitored social media access before age 16.
F14 and M13 have social media, and our younger ones have the kid version of one of those social medias. F14 also is a member of an online gaming site/portal for a specific game.
We make our kids give us their social media login info, and we keep an eye on messages, posts and friends list. Not to be nosy, but to make sure there’s nothing inappropriate going on.
I’m not a huge fan of kids being on social media, but it is a different world now and it seems better for them to be able to learn how to do it safely than otherwise.
I realized probably later than I should have that F14 inadvertently has a massive loophole that the other kids don’t. Her native language is Russian, and between her school friends and her online gaming hobby, roughly 70% of her social media isn’t in English.
The only person any of us knows that speaks Russian is her late mother’s mother, so she basically has a massive loophole where she isn’t monitored on the internet at all. We can use Google translate for social media posts and messages, but with the gaming site, it’s mostly live chat so we can’t.
I don’t think this is okay or safe that we have a child that could be talking to who knows who about who knows what. M13 is also interested in gaming, so if she was willing to teach him Russian, he could help translate and share more information about what’s happening in that particular area.
Not that I don’t trust her, but it’s a lot easier to hide things when you’re the only one who could possibly know the truth.
She says it’s too hard and won’t do it, so I think she should be barred from that gaming site.
My partner doesn’t want to do this because keeping up the language is the only connection she has to her birth culture and that barring her from that would be like telling her she couldn’t talk to her grandmother or friends in it.
Which, no. Friends and family and random internet people are very different things. Knowing a second language shouldn’t mean complete internet freedom.
We’ve been arguing about this for days. Am I really in the wrong here?
It’s wildly unsafe and a massive double standard.”
Another User Comments:
“Oh, YTJ. As a multilingual human, it baffles me to try to wrap my head around why your ignorance is your stepdaughter’s fault.
It’s 2022 and there are multiple different ways to learn a second language. If you’re that overly concerned about monitoring her maybe YOU should learn the language. Don’t get me wrong, the internet can be a dangerous place, and as a father, I too have rules and boundaries set up with my daughter (who also speaks Portuguese), so I get the need to ensure everyone’s safety to an extent, but it’s not her responsibility to teach anyone Russian, or your son’s responsibility to learn Russian to be your spy, It’s yours.
Imagine the animosity you’ll create pitting your children against each other like that. Learn Russian, or shut up.” Unbearable_Seth
Another User Comments:
“Yeah this is tough, on one hand, you want to protect your children which is 100% NTJ but on the other your talking about forcing a child to either stop speaking her dead mother’s language or so playing a game that is probably one of the only things that still brings her joy, which would make you a giant jerk.
In my honest opinion, if you’re really that worried about inappropriate happenings, go learn Russian on your own. It is not her obligation to teach you a whole language because of your paranoia.
I know you mean well and all but is it worth sowing discord and breading resentment?” Marsdeeni90
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
What on Earth?! Calm the heck down. You’re on a power trip and upset that you can’t control your stepdaughter, so you’re trying to recruit your son into learning a language, not for his own good of being bilingual, but so that he can spy on your husband’s daughter and report back to you.
And now you’re mad that a 14 year old won’t take on the responsibility of teaching YOUR child, whose a year or so less than them a whole ‘nother language that she grew up with, whereas your son didn’t.
Get a pet, pick up a hobby or something to be productive, and leave her the heck alone!” Careful-Listen2277
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If you want to monitor more than you currently do then you should learn Russian.
I don’t understand why you can’t use google translate on messages you can see. If it’s English live chat and the messages disappear then you can’t monitor. If it’s Russian life chat and the messages stat you can translate.
That you want to turn her brother into a spy will seriously damage all of the relationships.
So quit being lazy you had X years to learn Russian and choose not to.” GWeb1920
