People Attempt To Come Clean In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Refusing To Contribute To My Sister's Wedding?
“My sister (28) is getting married, and my parents are asking me (23) to contribute to the cost of her wedding.
($1k).
I am a college graduate student, single, and live on my own. I worked ‘very hard’ through college and have a decent income while being a student, but I don’t sleep on a mattress made of a stash of money.
My sister has decided to have a very expensive wedding, and she and her fiance currently have my parents, his parents, my grandparents, and at least some of his siblings contributing cash, upfront, to pay for a wedding.
I personally feel like there are few things more pointless than having an extravagant wedding that you cannot afford. If they want to have this sort of event, they can wait, and get married later when they could have a better chance of affording it.
In response to my not wanting to buy a wedding, my parents have called me selfish, said they expected more (Haha, clearly), etc. My sister has hinted at uninviting me (fine, if I was invited just to bankroll the event, I don’t want to go).
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I, too, wanted a lavish wedding that I couldn’t afford. So instead I had a small, intimate wedding that I could afford. Because that’s what grownups do – accept their realities and don’t try to guilt trip siblings into paying for their stuff.” hashtagidontknow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Again and again, what is it with people these days and weddings? All these people are having weddings they can’t afford. As if the wedding is the ultimate event in their entire life. How pathetic and ridiculous. When you’re really deeply excited about your union with somebody and celebrating it and you are an authentic person, you can have a potluck wedding at a friend’s backyard and save up for the decorations and the tent and the tables and the chairs and make your own cake and sew your own clothing and have the most phenomenal time, believe you me.
What a stupid expectation.” mcclgwe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not by a long shot.
So, you’re now being expected to fork over $1K just for the ‘pleasure’ of a wedding invite. However, this is your sister, so undoubtedly you’ll be expected to be a member of the wedding party. I don’t think it’s out of the realm of expectations that Bridezilla is going to force all her attendants to purchase expensive and impractical dresses, shoes, and accessories.
Plus hair and makeup. Then you’ll likely be expected to host and pay for at least one bridal shower. Then there is the seemingly ‘obligatory’ Bachelorette weekend in some expensive destination location like Las Vegas or Cancun. Not to mention your needing to purchase a registry gift for each and every one of these events.
Now we’re looking at multiple thousands of dollars. On a student’s budget. That’s a situation I’d be nope-ing out of really fast.” WifeyMcGingerdork
19. AITJ For Making The Mother Of My Child Pay Child Support?
“My ex and I had a daughter a few years back and we ended up splitting soon after. We ended up going to court and she signed over my daughter to me so I have full custody. In the court case, it said she would pay me a certain amount in child support every month but it would be direct payments to me instead of having to go through the state.
After the case was set and done with I went to live with my family with my daughter where I have been with my daughter as of today. Since the court order was done my baby mama has never once paid child support nor has she made a true effort in order to see and connect with our daughter.
A good example would be from November of last year to just about a month ago she hadn’t seen our daughter and would just randomly text me about her, she shows up out of the blue to see our daughter and is there for barely an hour and a half. She not only came empty handed not even bringing a box of diapers or socks for the kid but she was extremely distant and even cold to our daughter while she was visiting and would constantly hesitate to touch her.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and I get a call from DCF since I needed to renew my daughter’s health care (she gets it free from the state). I go through the application with the lady on the phone and she asks me about the child’s mother since she wasn’t on any of the paperwork I submitted. I explain to the case manager that I had full custody of my daughter and that the mother was not involved. The case manager asks if I had court-ordered child support and after telling her yes and emailing her a copy of the court case she looks it over and says then in that case if I didn’t allow her to enforce the court order child support then my daughter would not be eligible for health care.
I didn’t want my daughter to lose her health insurance so I told the case manager to go ahead and enforce it in that case. After that my daughter was able to keep her health insurance but I’m guessing the DCF contacted my baby mama because now she’s furious at me saying that that’s not what we originally agreed on, she says that she only signed to allow to do child support as long as it was directly with me and not through the state.
I try to explain to her that if I didn’t do it then our daughter wouldn’t be able to keep her health insurance, my baby mama didn’t care and said that I should have known that she wouldn’t be able to pay because she can’t work due to her having extreme anxiety and depression. She also said there was no way she’d be able to pay the backlog of child support that she already owed me in addition to making continuous monthly payments and because of that she was going to end up losing her ID and passport.
Basically, I want to know if I’m in the wrong in this situation. Any input would be appreciated.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Child support is for the raising of the child, not something she is paying to you to be nice or to just make your life easier. This is part of the responsibility of a parent.
You need it for your kid’s health care. Also, it’s not like the mother held up her end of the agreement anyway.
The fact that she might have trouble making the payments or the backlog isn’t your responsibility. You have a child to take care of. This is all on her. If she had kept up with your original agreement, maybe she could have held that up to reduce the backlog.
But it was her choice to not make the payments she agreed to.
Though I do not know the mother, I have a suspicion that she originally wanted to not go through the state for the payments so she could ignore them and you would have no way to go after her. And now, karma has caught up with her.
Understand: these payments are for your child’s welfare. Go after them with a clean conscience.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, that’s what happens when you decide to have children. You have to make those tough choices. You’re not being a bitter father, you’re trying to do what is best for your daughter.
It’s not your fault that the ‘mom’ can’t afford to take care of your daughter. Technically, where you are, it’s against the law to not have health insurance for your child, and if someone found out, they could take your child away. You have to think about what is best for your daughter, and while you may have a decent relationship with the mom, it’s not your responsibility to make sure she’s financially stable.
That’s her responsibility as an adult and a parent. Good for you for sticking to your guns though, and making sure your child has everything they need. A lot of parents get lost in the drama between them and forget about their child’s needs. A big thank you from me, as someone who was neglected because of my own parents’ drama.” Alternative-Space-42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t think people understand that government programs are there to help and are seen as a last resort. Part of the agreement with social programs is that you’ve exhausted all other monetary options including child support. One of the exceptions would be in cases involving domestic violence, restraining orders, etc. It sucks that your baby momma has had such a hard go of things but at the end of the day she chose to have a child, the same way you did.
She doesn’t get to just walk away from responsibility simply because she has anxiety and depression. If roles were reversed there would be zero hesitation to call the baby daddy out.
As the sole custodial parent, it is your job to ensure your child gets all the help and monies to help in growth and cost. You did the responsible thing.
You are doing a good job caring for your child. Your baby momma is no longer a primary concern and she needs to figure out her life.” La_Paloma_Negra
18. AITJ For Saying I Don't Want To See My Mother-In-Law Again?
“My MIL can be sweet at times but behind closed doors, she acts like a completely different person. I don’t understand why. I’ve been so nice and caring towards her. I help her and come to her beck and call.
She talks crap about me all the time behind my back. She’s so sweet and fake to me in person but constantly nags about me and my family when I’m not around. She even talks badly about me to her friends! They will have a terrible impression of me before they get to know me.
I celebrated Christmas with his family and some of her friends came over. Her friend ‘read’ me when I first met her telling my MIL that I seem like an introvert and shy. It annoyed me because I was super extroverted with them. Talking, laughing, and even playing with her kid. Her husband was very rude.
He didn’t even speak to me. Every conversation I tried to have with him went nowhere but my MIL told my husband I should’ve tried harder and that it was my fault.
She says that I have the IQ of a 13-year-old and that he needs to be with an ‘equal’. She calls me a child because she thinks I’m not independent enough.
I’m a ‘slave’ because I choose to work from home while still helping my mother who pays me for it.
I’m a homebody. I love being home and she doesn’t like that. Her son is also the same and she pushes him to go out because that’s what she wants.
She calls my family a cult because we don’t believe in the same stuff she believes in.
Ex: Politics, religion, etc. She’s so hypocritical and a narcissist. She gets upset if he chooses my opinions over hers. She wants him to put her first, not me. He tries to stand up for me but she goes off to the point where he won’t even get a chance to speak. It’s just all too much.
I’m also worried about how she’ll act when we have kids and the choices we make.
We were having a conversation about her and it slipped. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I told him that I never want to see her again. He was very understanding and reassuring about it but I feel like a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Crazy in-laws make for a higher divorce rate. If you go no contact with the crazy in-laws your marriage may be more successful and your life will be a lot less stressful. We went no contact with my fiancé’s dad’s side of the family three years ago and it’s been like heaven.
We did see his grandma on his dad’s side at the grocery store a couple of weeks ago and she followed us around the store and stalked us but I kept sending him to different aisles to grab me stuff because she isn’t allowed to see our daughter and has never seen our daughter other than that day in the store.
She even waited at the entrance and I think she was trying to catch us on the way out but thankfully the checkout line took so long that she finally gave up and left.” IllustriousMacaroni8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — you’re not obligated to get along with or even like your in-laws. A lot of people don’t.
And if what you’re saying is true about her going around and talking crap about you to her friends and other family members, she’s doing a LOT of work to undermine your relationship with her son.
Sounds like your husband completely gets where you’re coming from, which is a great place to start. Set firm boundaries and enforce them!” edgar__allan__bro
17. AITJ For Keeping My Pay From My Pet-Sitting Job?
“I (19F) have been pet-sitting for my godmother for the past week. I stayed overnight at her house and took care of her cat and her brother’s dog (she had another dog I was going to watch but he passed away a few days beforehand). When I got there, I found that she had left me $250 cash and $75 in food and gas gift cards as payment.
I have no frame of reference for how much a pet sitter costs and the friend I texted who has pet-sat overnight before told me her rates were similar.
A few days later, my mom – who is my godmother’s best friend – came to sleep over after I had a bad mental day. At one point she noticed the money I had left on the counter and asked, ‘isn’t that a bit much?’ to which I shrugged. After she left the next morning I ate breakfast at the counter and realized there was $100 missing.
I looked further and found my mother had put it into a cupboard, probably to give it back to my godmother.
I was upset because my mom had not discussed this move with me or even with my godmother, and I felt she had no right to determine whether my godmother had paid me too much when it was between my godmother and me for the services I did.
However, I left it there – partly because I am scared to move against my mother (she can be exceptionally difficult when she wants to be) and partly because I wondered if she was right – did my godmother pay me too much?
Yesterday was my last day of pet-sitting. As I was saying goodbye to the animals, I got a text from my godmother basically asking if she had paid me enough.
I told her she did and made a split-second decision to grab the $100 and take it with me. I didn’t want to mention it to my mother but I worried that she would make a comment to my godmother and I would have to fess up. This morning when my mother asked me if I was upset, I told her that I wish she would’ve discussed it with me first before putting the 100 dollars back.
She got quiet and told me ‘I will give you $100.’
When I told her that I had taken the money back already, she pointed out that in total I received almost $400 from my godmother and left for work without another word. I can almost guarantee I will hear about it when she comes home later.
Yet, she feels so strongly about it, and I have so little experience with pet sitting, that I wonder if there’s something I missed. AITJ for taking back the money?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. $325 for a week is less than minimum wage and it’s what your Godmother left for you which is none of your mother’s business to be honest.
I also think this will become a lesson for you. You are in the grey area of when you are going to have to start setting boundaries for your Mom because you are going to start making your own decisions. We have all been there when Mom is not yet ready to cut the cord.
I’m 43 and my Mom still thinks she can tell me what’s best for me and guess what? I ignore it. It’s not going to feel comfortable and you may have doubts. This is a chance to practice how to let your mom know that you are sticking to your decision and not letting it turn into a horrible fight.
You didn’t do anything wrong and if you still have concerns then talk to your godmother. That’s what godmothers are for too!” Panda_monium_927
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your Godmother didn’t want you to have that much, she wouldn’t have offered that much. If you wanted to ease your guilt, you could have texted her maybe something like ‘That’s a lot, are you sure you want me to have it?’ I can almost guarantee she would have said ‘no, you did me a favor, I want you to have it’.
But that’s all something that should have been discussed between you and her… you are 19 after all and not a 16 yr old your mother should be concerning herself with in that way.
I am sure your mom meant well, which is why I am not really thinking of her as a jerk here, but she should have stayed out of it.
It’s not her business. Even if she comes home mad, she shouldn’t be saying anything. It was a business transaction between you and your godmother. If you pet-sit in the future and feel it was too much, just tell her next time not to give so much. But if you think the payment was fair and felt you deserved it/earned it, then just let her pay you what she wants.” Sweet_Charming82
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I say this as a person with lots of pets in our house (3 cats, 1 dog, and 1 turtle). Traveling for 14 days soon, so just think 1/2 the cost.
Adult kids stay home so the turtle & cats are taken care of. Our youngest needed a new PC, and we offered to buy a brand new gaming PC for him, but… we wouldn’t board the dog, which was acceptable to him (20M so not young kids!)
He had to have emergency surgery 2 weeks before we leave now… so I decided to board the dog. $650 for 2 weeks. JUST FOR THE DOG!
I have looked in our area for people to house/pet sit to take our kids somewhere. The prices I found were $75 a DAY at the lowest. There is also a person I could drive 1 hour each way, drop the pets off at their house (cats have their own room, they have experience with reptiles, & dog gets to hang out with them all day) at almost $1100 a WEEK for the 5 pets.
Now that $650 is with a $5-a-day ‘discount’ because we booked him for more than 10 days!
In my area 7 days of boarding for the dog would be $350, having someone come 2 times a day to the house for the cats & turtle (cats only eat moist food once a day) for 2 15-minute visits (mainly throwing lettuce in the turtle’s bowl, make sure everyone has water, give the cats attention for 10 mins, scoop the litter every 2-3 days and flip the switch on the turtle’s lights) would cost me another $30 a day so $200 give or take.
With just 1 cat, it would be about $20 a day or $150. So per week, I would be looking at about $600 minimum just for our pets to go on a family trip with someone just stopping by, not actually playing with the cats & letting the turtle roam my son’s room like he does at least an hr a day.
$325 for a week was a steal on your godmother’s part, in my opinion, I am actually planning on signing up for a service that connects people (with background checks and such) of people traveling with digital nomads who like pets so we can all go places. Even then, I plan on asking them what they like to eat, leaving a fully stocked fridge & pantry for them (of staples and adding things they like) and my only rules are, no cats in bedrooms, and please feel free to use our streaming services on the TV, but please don’t log out of them because I am just too lazy to have to reset passwords to sign in.” Jasalth00
16. AITJ For Causing My Teacher To Get Fired?
“I have COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, an inflammatory lung disease) and have been kind of weak since young, and accommodations get made for me at school.
One of those being that my classroom is on the ground floor, and since my country is in perpetual summer all year round, it’s really hot on the ground floor (ordinarily my classroom would be on the 4th floor).
My classmates always complain that it’s really hot and I feel super bad about it, and they didn’t really know why since I don’t have any friends in class that I could’ve mentioned this to (plus I was afraid of bullying) and the teachers can’t say anything because it’s technically my private medical information.
Last week, my teacher was in a bad mood and got mad at a classmate who complained about the heat, and said ‘well, I’m hot too, and you should blame (name) instead’, and proceeded to tell them about my condition.
I got bullied for that, but I’m not really upset by that part since I’m not new to bullying, but I was really peeved because the information got spread to the whole school, and while I kept a low profile before, I’m now known as the ‘kid with the chronic illness’.
Here’s where I think I’m the jerk: it’s my last year in this school, and I graduate at the end of the year. I really think I should’ve just sucked it up because it wasn’t physical bullying or anything, but mentally I wasn’t dealing with this really well because my dad gives me a lot of trouble already for having this condition, so I filed a complaint to the principal about the teacher who talked about it in class and started this whole thing.
I found out today that the teacher lost her job, and isn’t allowed to have another civil service job, which I have been feeling horrible about, because it’s not like the bullying and rumors have stopped and there’s no way to make everyone at school magically forget the ‘kid with the chronic illness’. I think I went too far filing the complaint (which was admittedly a spur-of-the-moment thing, because I thought it was justified at the time, but I’m having second thoughts now) since I do literally graduate at the end of the year, and she was actually a really good teacher too.
So, was I the jerk? I sure feel like one, I didn’t think about the consequences it’d have on my teacher and I never thought it’d be this severe to be banned from civil service jobs totally… I have her number too, so I’m thinking I’ll text her an apology if I do end up being the jerk in this situation… let me know if there’s any more information needed to make a judgment, and I’ll add it in with edits/reply to comments, feeling really conflicted about this.
EDIT: regarding the heat issue I think I got people confused, it’s because the school wants to prevent physical strain on me that my class is on the ground floor and not the higher floors. I didn’t clarify, but the classrooms above the ground floor have to be air-conditioned, my bad for missing that out.
That’s why my classmates were upset on the ground floor.
As for my COPD, I am a minor nearing legal age, living in Asia if it matters. my dad is a long-term smoker who only quit after I was diagnosed, and he was the person who looked after me at home during my childhood. My doctor said it was likely second-hand smoke and maybe genetics, but most likely the smoke.
I am diagnosed, and you can believe me or not at your own judgment since due to protecting my internet safety I’m unable to provide proof.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you did nothing wrong spur of the moment or not. This teacher no matter how good you say she actually was in a moment of anger revealed personal and confidential information about you, a minor, to a class full of your peers regardless of the impact it could’ve had.
Yes she was maybe mad but she had no right to say any of it, she should have stopped herself after naming you as the so-called one to blame but she continued to reveal your health condition to them all.
What she did was utterly wrong. What if it was a different condition you had or disability, she could’ve revealed something that led to more bullying for you which it did despite you being used to it, which doesn’t make it okay or she could’ve revealed something that could’ve endangered you.
If you hadn’t reported this she could have done it to another vulnerable student. Kids can be merciless when it comes to bullying and some have no empathy for others even if they have a condition or illness.
The school is the one to blame, they did what they were meant to do accommodating you but they should’ve also accommodated the rest of your class by figuring out about air conditioning in some way.
The teacher should’ve raised a complaint with the school about the heat which isn’t your fault because if they had to have that class there anyway the heat would still be a problem regardless of whether you were there or not, it’s the school and teacher who messed up.
People can have various conditions that mean mobility is out of the question for going to the 4th floor like yourself and can also have other factors of their condition that could cause other symptoms or things and her revealing any information about a student’s health to the rest could put them at risk.
You’re NTJ.” Ok-Speed-9983
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Teachers are subject to HIPAA laws as well, to the best of my knowledge (my sister is a teacher and I am in Healthcare). She knew well that what she said was a violation, which is breaking the law. You have every right to complain, and you are not a jerk for showing her consequences.
Let’s put it this way: imagine you were to get surgery, and your more critical condition knocked a person receiving a hip replacement out of their scheduled spot. Now, if that person gets upset and complains to the nurse, the nurse has an obligation to keep their mouth shut as to why they got bumped. If that nurse does disclose anything about your condition to that patient, that nurse loses their license, is fired, and is not allowed to work in healthcare anymore.
If it makes sense for a healthcare professional to lose their license and job for violating this, a teacher is no different.
ETA: I misunderstood the rules teachers are bound to. They don’t have to follow HIPAA, but because most medical conditions fall under IEP/504/etc, they are not supposed to discuss it with anyone who does not need to have that information.
The premise still stands though!” Rouge_4015
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My guess is that you’re in the Philippines, where government jobs are few and far between, and also really big deals. From my understanding, if someone gets fired from a government job over there, they can’t reapply, or if they can reapply then it takes a stupidly long time to be able to.
It makes getting fired a really major thing, maybe more so than in other places.
Whether you’re in the Philippines or not, what that teacher has caused is reprehensible, and you shouldn’t feel bad about filing a formal complaint. The teacher decided to dig their own grave by spilling the beans on private medical information that isn’t even your fault, and then picking on you for it to boot.
That also caused a lot of other people to harbor some resentment as they now know you’re the reason they have to do a certain thing that nobody likes.
Op, overall none of this is your fault. Don’t blame yourself, and don’t let others blame you. This isn’t something you asked for, wanted, or needed. Best of luck to you, you’re definitely within your rights.” whole_lotta_nope_503
15. AITJ For Ignoring My Crush?
“I (16f) have always been in love with A (16m). Cringe I know but forgive me. I’ve known A my whole life and everyone around us including him knows about my feelings. And guess what he doesn’t like me back lol. It sucks but I would never force him to like me because I want it to be genuine.
I don’t go around school declaring my love for him but he would always scream at me for liking him because other girls who clearly know it don’t want him(?). I don’t know, it sucks hearing that he doesn’t want me but I don’t threaten other girls to avoid him. Whenever he screams at me I go back home and cry like a baby but would be all smiley the next day.
I guess you could say I grew a bit of a backbone last month. Since I’m in love with this boy I’m always willing to give him the answers for homework or quizzes etc. But lately, I’ve been trying to stand up for myself.
A few days ago A came up to me for answers.
But new month, new me, so I just pretended like he didn’t exist. It was very empowering first of all and I guess shocked him cause I’m always waiting for him to speak to me. And after school yesterday A cornered me but I still kept quiet and refused to speak to him.
I still don’t have the nerve to tell him that I want to be treated nicely so in my mind keeping quiet can mean the same. I’m a super shy person and have trouble speaking without wanting to throw up. A wasn’t happy and told me that I’m being a jerk.
Our friends found out cause it was obvious lol and some of them are on my side saying that it’s good that I’m finally realizing my worth. But others are saying that I’m punishing A for not liking me back. But this is not true cause I’ve never forced him to like me.
But yeah I just want to know if I’m in the wrong here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he’s only upset because he clearly likes the validation he gets knowing you like him, and now that you’re not giving him the same attention as before he wants it back. Your attention is not something he’s owed, and good for you for standing up for yourself even just by saying nothing (which can sometimes be even more effective than speaking up).” filthywitches
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a crush. It’s not returned. He is using your feelings to not have to do any work. He is using you. You are absolutely right to stop doing his homework for him, or giving him answers to things. If he is bad enough that he makes you cry, he is not worthy of anything approaching love from you.
He has no intention of doing anything other than using you and then screaming at you. He blames you for not getting girls that he likes, but perhaps the reason is not you, but the fact that the guy is a massive jerk.
If he asks you for anything, the answer is ‘no’, even if it’s to go out.
He may try being all nice, to get back into your good books, swearing he’s changed, that he won’t shout at you, that he’s not using you for school work, but ignore it. He hasn’t changed. He won’t change. He wants you to do his homework, and he wants to blame you for his failings in getting a girl.
‘No’ is a full sentence. You do not have to explain to him why you are saying it. No means no. The answer should not change no matter how much he whines and begs. Stay strong. New month, new you, and the new you should be done with being a doormat.
You are not a jerk.
He is. Keep reminding yourself of it. And well done for making a stand.” MagratM
Another User Comments:
“I’m not a fan of the straight-up ignoring someone/silent treatment. That usually gets a ‘you’re a jerk’ judgment from me. However, if this kid is screaming at you for something that is out of your control, I can’t blame you for employing these tactics.
You don’t owe him your time. Those who say you’re punishing him for not liking you are not paying attention to the situation. NTJ.” seregil42
14. WIBTJ If I Phase Out A Friendship?
“My friend and I met at work, but we both left that place of work almost 3 years ago. I have moved on to other work, while he struggled to find a job and has struggled with mental health issues overall.
I have tried to be supportive (I actually put in a word for him for a job with my company, to which he was offered a job) but he is very negative. It seems that anything put in front of him, he will find something negative to say. I showed him a shirt I was planning to get, and he commented, ‘wow I would love to wear that if I didn’t look so terrible all the time.’ I didn’t even suggest that he wear it, but he made it about himself and made it something negative and kind of awkward.
I have tried to be supportive and kind and patient but I find I resent him now every time we talk. I have tried to bring this up many times and he downplays it, says he’s working to find a therapist, etc.
WIBTJ if I phased this friendship out?”
Another User Comments:
“NO jerks here.
You aren’t the jerk for wanting to phase out what sounds like a mentally and emotionally exhausting friendship. He clearly needs help and isn’t getting it and you can’t be his replacement therapist.
I also don’t think he’s a jerk for having mental health issues. Yes, he needs a therapist, but finding a good therapist can be very difficult and there is a lot of stigma surrounding therapy that he may have internalized.” cutekittensforus
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ – it seems like you’re in different places in life and they’re having a negative impact on you. You’re not responsible for their well-being and you should focus on your own.
Ideally, though, I would recommend that you inform him of your plan. Let him know exactly why you’re ending the friendship.
Let him know that your opinion is that they are negatively impacting your mental health by being so negative. At the same time, encourage him to try to work on his own issues and try to turn his negative tendencies into positive ones with advice from the internet or from a professional counselor.
I’m sure it will not end well and get a very negative response from him, but he will be informed why, and he will not be left wondering why which may make him spiral more, and hopefully promote a critical self-evaluation that will allow him to recognize what you saw and he can start to work on his own issues.” wisedoormat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sometimes we outgrow people or start to see who they really are.
You can only help people so much and if they are a constant ball of negativity who won’t help themselves then you have to question whether it is worth sacrificing your own mental health to deal with them.
You don’t have to necessarily end the friendship but you could be more distant, I have a female friend who sounds similar to him and it’s become a case of our weekly catch-ups have become every 3 months… in my friend’s case she’s actually from quite a wealthy family who literally bought her a 600k house… Despite that everyone else is the problem and she still complains about how hard she has it.
Some people just drain the energy out of you and are hard work.” ColdstreamCapple
13. AITJ For Getting Involved In Deciding Who's Staying At Our Rental Home?
“A friend of mine and his wife recently invited me and my significant other on a trip out of the country. They coordinated the rental home we were to stay at. During the planning process, they told us a list of who they invited and we committed, bought plane tix, took off work, etc. My friend recently came up with a lot of money (millions) and said he would pay for 50% of the home while the rest of us can split the rest. 8 people total, 2 of which are him and his wife so he is paying twice what he needs to.
Later on, we find out they have invited someone not originally listed, and also this person has a bad drinking problem. I, my SO, and another couple voice our concerns, and we as a collective decide it’s best she not come. So we’re down to 7 people with 8 available beds. A week before the trip we are informed they have invited another person and they are taking the 8th spot.
This person is alright but not necessarily someone I want to share a home with for a week. I acknowledged they were coming but also expressed that I would appreciate being included in who is being invited on the trip as we are sharing a space. He stated that since he is paying 50% of the house he can invite whoever he wants.
I don’t think that’s right as we are all sharing space and frankly his extra contribution is marginal compared to the cost of the whole trip and we are happy to pay our fair share of the total cost of the home. Ultimately I didn’t object to this other person coming just expressed the fact I would appreciate being included in the discussion.
Part of me feels maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut since I wasn’t going to object anyways but then again I feel like it’s inconsiderate to not be included in the discussion and furthermore now that I feel like his ‘generosity’ of paying a little extra on the home comes with power over the home, I don’t even want to go.
AITJ?
To clarify: As mentioned the new person coming is alright but also kind of annoying and shady. Another couple that’s going also reached out to us and was disappointed she’s coming. So it’s a damper but not a make-or-break for the trip.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your friend is arranging and hugely financing a fantastic vacation, and you think you can tell him who he can invite?
The first guest, yeah – I wouldn’t want a raging drinker around for a vacation either. But this second person sounded completely unobjectionable, you just didn’t want them because you don’t feel close to them.
Grow up, apologize to your friend, and get excited to make a new friend that week. Or don’t apologize, but then don’t be surprised if your vacation invitation gets rescinded.” BogwitchOfTheBog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Traveling with new people is tricky, and more if you don’t really know them. It seems you guys asked who was going before agreeing and buying your flights. He did respect your guy’s decision when all of you said NO to the friend that drinks a lot lol. A simple text to the group like ‘hey guys what do you think of so and so joining our trip!?
He wanted to fill the 8th spot maybe you guys should have thrown a couple of names of some friends that could have joined.’
I also don’t think your friend is the jerk, everybody needed to communicate better. It’s a week trip, everybody has to get along.” HistorySweet9902
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Oh, the joys of a shared holiday. He listened when you complained about the other friend and by your own admission, you have no fault with this new person. So did he need to seek permission from 7 people to invite the new friend? I think not. If you feel strongly about sharing a home with other people for a week then I would question why you are going on this type of holiday in the first place.
Your friend didn’t handle it well mentioning the money, but it could have been worse and he could have said that he will split it all equally. That would have made him the jerk. But he didn’t, so I would just enjoy the holiday with your wife.” Nessie51
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Did everyone agree that if he paid for 50% of the house that he’d also get a say on the guests invited?
Seems a bit deceptive. At first, it came off as him sharing and celebrating his earnings with friends, but now it comes off as him using it as a way to sneak other people in. Would folks prefer just splitting evenly so that he wouldn’t invite strangers? It sounds like had folks known he was going to do this that they would’ve thought twice about having him pay for 50% of the housing.” No-Muscle5314
12. AITJ For Blocking My Sister?
“My sister texted me asking for some funds yesterday.
She does this monthly even though I’ve already said I don’t have any extra for the foreseeable future (it is almost always small amounts). Anyway, I told her no. Then she asked if my son’s significant other had stayed the night while her son was there. My son is trans, female-to-male, and has been friends with his SO for 8 years.
They are 16. His SO has a rough situation at home so I let her stay here whenever she can. I explained that yes she stayed over. She texted she wished she’d known because she doesn’t want her 8-year-old son to get confused if he saw them kissing or something (he stayed the night too but in a completely different room hanging out with his other cousin).
She said he was young and immature for his age. She wasn’t trying to judge because people judge her and blah blah blah.
The ‘confused’ part made me upset because it reeked of homophobia and transphobia to me. I started and stopped writing a text like 5 times because I was so angry… but I couldn’t figure out how to really deal with that at the moment.
I texted ‘whatever’ and was planning to cool down and let it go. She replied ‘Oh real mature’… well that set me off. I texted back that she had a lot of nerve to ask me for funds and then judge my son. I said ‘So (her son) can see straight people kissing but anyone else is confusing’.
I also then said that I’ve never even seen my son kiss his SO so nothing probably happened in front of her son. She texted back all angry too about how I shouldn’t be like that and that she’d feel the same if ‘she had a partner’ which misgendered my son.
I just blocked her after that (I also have like 5 different numbers saved for her because she keeps changing phones so I only blocked whatever random number she was using last night).
Maybe I overreacted and I saw homophobia/transphobia when there was none. My husband says I am right but I’m worried about the rest of my family. They are more on the conservative side like my sister is. They’ve been trying to support my son though but still.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and who cares what the rest of your family thinks?
(Sorry, I know you care, but I see so many posts where families gang up against the OP, and it’s toxic.) Your concern is supporting your son. By the way, your sister was probably only playing nice/accepting of your son in the past because she needed to placate you since she keeps asking for funds.
No more money for her, even if she comes crawling back with an apology.” Big_Bowler8424
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Unless this eight-year-old is in some private religious school he already knows all about gay people and trans people. So your sister’s a bit loony on this. However, unless this blocking is temporary and you’re planning to get over it at some point your reaction is pretty over the top.
Maybe try to negotiate with her to where she jettisons some of her insensitivity and you get rid of some of your oversensitivity. Clearly, your sister isn’t an absolute transphobe since she does allow her son to be in your home with your trans kid. This can be resolved if both of you could communicate effectively.
Good luck.” DplusLplusKplusM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister sounds like certain members of my family. They are takers and, when you don’t give, they get nasty. Good for you for having boundaries. Good for you for standing up for your son. I have found that the more I give my family, the less respect I get.
So I stopped giving and I feel better for it. Some people aren’t worth giving to. They’ll never appreciate it. The more you give, the less respect you’ll get. If your family is homophobic and transphobic, then you will need very solid boundaries and maybe some distance. Good luck.” Otherwise-Cup-6843
You did the right thing. Unless and until she apologizes, don't allow her back.
11. AITJ For Getting A Kid In Trouble With His Crush?
“I (14m+transmasc) was talking to my friend (14f) we can call her K.
She’s head over heels for this guy (14m), he’s S.
K was talking about how she liked this guy, S. S is kind of a jerk, but it’s not completely his fault. He’s really good at acting, so I can never tell if he’s joking or not with stuff. A couple of days ago, we were showing embarrassing pictures of each other, and I had some dumb pictures of S from when someone airdropped them to me a while ago.
He said stop, but it came out as ‘stawwwwp’ so I thought he was kidding. I didn’t have any more pictures of him so gave up.
When we were done, he pulled me aside and said ‘next time you show those, I’ll show pictures of girl you, y’know back when you were (my deadname)’.
I, understandably, was mad.
So last night, K was talking about him, I said ‘if it helps you get over him, he deadnamed me and threatened to show everyone pictures of girl me.’ It did help her get over him. She texted him about it, then he said he didn’t do it, but K believed me and told him I said he did it, and then he admitted to it.
He hasn’t said anything to me about it, but I’m scared of him saying something about it. Am I in the wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Stop intentionally trying to humiliate your classmates. He shouldn’t have dead-named you but he told you to stop and because he didn’t say it a certain way YOU ignored it and kept going.
You’re a bully. You suck for that. And to be honest, I bet this isn’t the only instance of you being trashy. Do better. Being trans isn’t an excuse to treat your classmates like trash. You’re not ‘special’ or above reproach. Do better.” IndependentDelay8766
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
That is a huge detriment of character to disrespect a trans person like that.
Deadnaming and threatening to show pics of you when you weren’t ‘you’ is terrible. If disrespecting trans people is a red flag for her (which it should be), it was important for her to know.” 12th_companion
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. S should not have deadnamed you and threatened to show people personal pictures of you before you were comfortable as you are now.
You should have stopped when he asked you to. Both contributed to the situation. S is a jerk, but so are you (less of a jerk tho).” AlternativeRice1846
10. AITJ For Not Wanting My Kids To Call My Mom's New Husband "Grandpa"?
“My (34F) dad died 9 years ago before my kids were born.
My mom got remarried last year and I have nothing against him as he makes her happy.
I don’t live in the same country as my mom and my siblings. I traveled abroad during college and met my husband and we ended up (after many years of trying to figure out the best way with visas and such) moving to the country that he is from near his family.
We are visiting my mom this summer and she has asked if we can take 3 days out of our already packed holiday to spend a weekend somewhere with her and her new husband, along with said husband’s son (and his wife and kids). ‘It will be a good way to get to know your stepbrother,’ she says.
‘I am 34 years old. He is not my stepbrother. He is your husband’s son. Just like he is not my stepfather.’
To which she replies that his grandkids call her grandma.
‘Well, my kids are not calling him grandpa.’
They don’t know him at all. They met him once when my older son wasn’t even 3 yet and my younger son was 4 months old.
That was the last time we went to see them (nearly 5 years ago) and since then only 1 cousin has come to visit us. My mom has not come to see us at all since then and with the current situation, lack of funds, etc. we haven’t been able to visit there.
Apparently, my 3 nieces call him grandpa, so my mom was really upset when I said this.
But I’ve told my kids and they understand that they don’t have a grandpa on my side because my dad passed away (both of their middle names are after my dad). I don’t mind them knowing that he is my mom’s husband or getting to know him but I just don’t like the idea of them calling him grandpa when he’s not and they have never really spoken to him (not even on video chat).
AITJ for saying that? My mom didn’t seem happy, but I told her that I don’t dislike her husband, I just don’t want my kids calling him grandpa.
Edit: I just want to make it clear, we are already spending a week with my mom and her husband, she wants to spend an extra 3 days (that we had already planned on doing something else) spending time with my new ‘stepbrother.’ I am in no way stopping her husband from spending time with them and him acting in a grandfatherly sort of way and I have nothing against other nicknames.
I just don’t like that my mom is pushing ‘grandpa’ because that’s what my nieces call him. They know him well because they live near him but my kids don’t know him at all and he has never been a part of their lives, nor mine.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I’m sorry. Your kids will be the ones who miss out here.
He doesn’t need to be a grandad, just a grandfather-like figure. You can still teach them all about your dad/their real grandad. I had two grandad-type figures on my maternal grandmother’s side (after she remarried) and two grandma-type figures on my paternal grampa’s side after he remarried! Just give them different nicknames?
Or no nickname but teach your kids to view them as a grandfather sort of figure? I get it feels weird as you haven’t met him yet. I hope you feel differently after the trip.
Also, that was likely a hurtful thing to say to your mum. She just wants you all to get to know each other.
And is already probably sad as you moved so far away. And 3 days when you haven’t seen them in 5 years is hardly asking much by the way. I’m very sorry for your loss though.” bunkbedgirl1989
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But! Please keep an open mind because if they do end up feeling their own desire to call him grandpa, then they should be able to.
I don’t agree with making kids call someone dad, grandpa, aunt, etc in blended families; it’s something they should develop on their own, and hopefully, the adults involved will help foster a bond but I always believe it’s the child’s choice what they call the person.” Apprehensive-Bird93
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Sorry, but I wouldn’t even let you visit if you were going to blatantly disrespect the person I chose to marry. What was she supposed to do? Spend the rest of her life alone and grieving? Her daughter moved to another country. Her husband died. Did you want her to stay alone?
So she got married to someone she loves.
She did not replace your dad, but she found someone else to make her happy in his absence. Now you’re treating him like trash. I don’t care how old you are. He has done nothing to slight you and he IS your stepfather.
Your attitude is extremely disrespectful not only to him but to your mom.
If anyone, including my adult child, was this much of a jerk to my spouse without reason, they wouldn’t be invited to my home.
You talk about how you’re 34, but your actions are exceptionally childish.” RissaRay113
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. He’s a step-grandpa. Your dad is Grandpa. Maybe in time, you will be comfortable with the title.
Maybe call him Grandpa First Name. In my experience, I wasn’t comfortable calling my grandparent’s new spouse grandpa or grandma.
I guess, technically he’s your stepbrother. But they can’t force a relationship. I assume you’re still grieving and you’re not ready to ‘move on’ into this new life. It’s wrong for anyone to expect you to.
Maybe your sister feels a sense of guilt that they are calling him grandpa. You’re not responsible for their feelings, but that could explain the pressure they are putting on you to call him grandpa.” aggravatingyou
As someone who was forced to call 1 of her stepfathers "dad" and forced to call his parent grandma and grandpa, it sucks. He is your mother's husband, yes. But he isn't your dad and your children don't have to call him grandpa. Anyone who says different, obviously doesn't come from broken families or else, they were so traumatized by the situations, they think it's normal. Don't force your children to call him something they don't feel comfortable with. Maybe they will, in time, come up with a name for him themselves.
As for your mother's stepson, he is her husband's son, but not your brother unless you want him to be. I have 2 darling stepsisters who I consider my sisters because I helped raise them. Don't make this into a battle since you don't see them often, but stand your ground.
9. AITJ For Leaving My Ex At The Restaurant After An Argument?
“My ex and I broke up 6 months ago (a 3.5-year relationship) and I am moving out in a few days. We tried to make it work again but decided we can’t but are still friends.
She is also kinda seeing someone in a different city and I’ve made it clear I don’t want to hear about anything regarding said person as this person played a role in the relationship ending.
The situation. We both walk to a local place 10 minutes away. Everything is good and we’ve finished eating but she keeps talking about this expensive restaurant she made reservations at.
I know she doesn’t do this stuff alone but I ask if she is going by herself. She says no and leaves it at that. This clues me in that this entire time she has been talking about seeing this guy who is visiting in May since if it was with a friend she’d just say so.
I am annoyed but don’t want to ruin anything so I start browsing my phone (still making conversation and she’s also been on her phone). After another 5 minutes of chat, she says ‘I was going to say something mean but decided not to’. I respond with ‘then don’t say it’. She said she wants me to acknowledge that she decided not to.
I respond with ‘do you want me to acknowledge it or give you a pat on the back’. She says both and at this point says I’ve been being weird ever since asking if she was going to the restaurant alone and finding out she wasn’t. I tell her it annoyed me but that my response to this is not based on that past interaction and I’m not going to give her a pat on the back for not being mean to me.
She says she doesn’t believe me and that my response isn’t related to the past interaction (her not believing me is a trend in the friendship at this point). I’m annoyed but then she said ‘Whatever you need to believe in order to deal with it’ basically saying that I’m lying to myself and that I can’t trust my own feelings.
I get really upset as this is not the only time this has happened either and I’ve established that saying that is a really mean thing for either of us to say to the other. I don’t know how to talk with her past this point. I tell her I’m not dealing with this and get up and walk out of the restaurant to go home (again 10-minute walk, safe area, we’ve already eaten).
Fast forward 20 minutes. The first thing I do when we are both home is apologize. She asks ‘did that feel good’ and I respond that no it didn’t. She says that was one of the trashiest things I’ve done and that she needs to ‘let me go’. In my mind, this basically means that she doesn’t see us ever being in a relationship again as this was something we thought might happen after a few years of us working on ourselves (she also broke up with me, for your information).
I feel bad for doing what I did hence apologizing right away. She never apologized for what she said and while I think she has every right to be upset, it does bother me a bit that she isn’t acknowledging her being rude.
So yea… AITJ? How bad was what I did?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s playing mean games with you and it’s having the intended effect. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say she still cares for you or else she wouldn’t be playing this game. Maybe her long-distance relationship fell or is falling apart and she’s realizing she needs to keep you on a string so she’s not completely alone.
Maybe this whole thing about a long-distance boo was to get you to ‘get off the pot’ and make a lasting commitment to her (come on… 3+ years, No marriage proposal?) Who knows, but whatever it is, she’s not really done with you… just lacks the maturity and guts to be honest about what’s really going on.” PUKA1999
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – No reason for you to apologize and no reason for her to bring up the nonsense of other dinner plans in front of your face. You’re not together anymore, so who cares. The whole saying ‘let’s be friends’ crap is just a cop-out to make breaking up easier.
You two need to cut ties and go your separate ways.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she was clearly trying to bait you into an argument. Why announce she was ‘going’ to say something mean if she had ‘decided’ not to? It seems like you still have feelings for her and she knows it. She’s the jerk trying to make you feel jealous and insecure.
Not to worry, she will get her just deserts when the new man in her life decides to break up another relationship instead of waiting until it ends.” Excellent-Lychee2018
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – you can almost feel the awkward pain emanating from this description & I wonder if you’re kidding yourself in wanting to stay friends?
I’m really sympathetic, hopefully moving helps you both, take care OP.” sjwild2003
8. AITJ For Wearing My Grandmother's Ring?
“My grandmother gave me her wedding ring shortly before she passed away. My sister believes she should have been the one to receive it. According to my mother, she’s really torn up about it, however, I do not give a flying rat behind about her feelings, she wasn’t there for Grams in her last moments.
I however devoted every moment I wasn’t working or otherwise occupied. Now onto why I think I may be a jerk…
A few days before my sister’s wedding, my sister called me and begged me to allow her to wear the ring on a chain around her neck for her wedding as she wanted to feel closer to Grams on her special day.
I told her no that I didn’t trust her to return it after the wedding and that it meant too much to me to take that risk. She threw a fit and called me a greedy witch saying that I could have just let her wear it for the day. I hung up on her after she began to name-call me.
A few hours later my mother called me and berated me for telling my sister I didn’t trust her not to steal it from me. I was also told that if I was going to wear the ring to her wedding that I wasn’t allowed to come. I was heartbroken, I really wanted to be there as I do love my sister I just don’t trust her not to do me dirty.
Anyways the day of the wedding I ended up going and I wore the ring in the car but absent-mindedly I forgot to take it off… I am not the type to do things out of pettiness however I kept walking into the building even after I realized that the ring was still on my hand and I didn’t bother to try to hide it.
Moments after I sat down in my chair I was accosted by my mother and the mother of the groom who demanded to see my hands. When I refused to show them, my mother grabbed my arm and forced me to show her then proceeded to try and take it off my hand all the while demanding that I take the ring off or leave… I left. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, leaning towards YTJ.
You said you realized before you reached the building that you were wearing the ring. Why not slip it off and put it into your purse until after the wedding?
Your mum and the groom’s mum were absolutely out of order to physically grab at you, but it could have been avoided if you had just taken the ring off.
I wonder how your Grams would feel seeing you all behave like this? Considering you seem to think you are better than your sister because you ‘devoted every moment’ to your Grams, I don’t understand why you would use her ring and therefore disrespect her, in this way.
Really, you should all be ashamed.” sandvcrispsrock
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I completely understand not taking a ring off. I always wear rings and I wouldn’t trust leaving the ring in the car especially knowing your sister could get to it. If your sister, mom, and MIL are so unhinged that they have to physically check, then I wouldn’t put it past them to try to get the ring later as well.
Sorry, but no one is looking at OP’s hand for a ring other than her sister, mom, and MIL and no one would care if she wore it. Sister is just mad that she didn’t get it. Please never give your sister a key to your house and don’t ever take the ring off unless it’s going in a safety deposit box in a safe in a bank.
Seriously people are calling her the jerk for wearing a ring she never takes off. Sorry, but I would never remove a ring for any reason unless medically necessary. Sister is just that jealous she didn’t get the ring. Sorry, but maybe she should have been there for the grandma and not ignored her then she might have the ring.
It’s a ring, not a flashing neon sign saying look what I got; a ring she has literally worn every day since she got it. Hope you have a will to leave it to someone outside the family unless you have a significant other or kids.” wheelerr88
Another User Comments:
“Wow. YTJ here.
I was going with ‘everyone sucks here’, but apparently, she asked you nicely to wear it, when you refused she asked you not to wear it, but you did it anyway and now you’re throwing excuses saying you didn’t remember taking it off.
You knew it was a contention point between you and your sister, you knew she would probably be stressed on her wedding day and you did it anyway. You don’t just ‘forget’ the one thing you and your sister screamed at each other over.
I think you screwed up, but you don’t seem to care much for her company anyway so maybe this is a moment for you to reflect if you want to be around her or not.
If your relationship gets shaken over a ring, is it worth the work? Is this relationship good for both of you? In her place, I wouldn’t think so.” chattymaquette
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You absolutely knew what you were doing, I don’t buy this whole ‘oooooops how did that ring get there?
I must’ve forgotten to take it off!’ charade. You wanted to rub this in her face and annoy her.
That being said, what on earth is up with your family!? It’s a piece of jewelry! Who cares! You should be able to wear it whenever and wherever you want. They WAY overreacted, at literally every step of this process.
I don’t know where your sister gets off demanding that you loan her a piece of jewelry that she has openly admitted that she believes should belong to her. Not sure why your mom is even involved in any of this, it’s between you and your sister.” car55tar5
Your sister sounds like a greedy, spoiled brat who is used to getting her way. I have no patience for toxic people and they have no place in my life. You chose the high road in that you left. So you're a better person than I am.
7. WIBTJ If I Tell A Friend The Context Of An Inside Joke?
“My friends and I range in age from 26-32, and we all live far from our families.
Over the past two years, I started inviting the group over for dinners and game nights to replace our usual going-out hangouts. One by one each couple also joined in and we ended up rotating weekends between us.
2 years in and this is an established tradition. However, my friend N can’t cook. By itself this is not an issue as these dinners are not expected nor would anyone be offended if we just got takeaway.
But N insists on cooking. Her meat/poultry is undercooked, rice/grains are either mush or raw, etc.
Several people in the group also have either allergies or dietary requirements including my husband and me. After the first dinner at N’s when she served pink chicken, my husband and I started eating beforehand and then picking at salads or whatever sides we had brought over.
The problem is my husband told his close friend M and he and his wife started doing the same thing. At N’s last dinner, my husband and M must have been joking about McDonald’s. She didn’t hear the whole thing but later asked me what was so funny about McD’s. I realized they must have been making plans to get fast food once we all left N’s and although I said I didn’t know, she must have seen on my face that I did.
She’s been asking and texting me to find out what the joke was.
WIBTJ if I told her the truth?”
Another User Comments:
“You only have yourselves to blame for this. If you had told her the first time she did it, you could have helped her save face, because raw food one time could easily be an accident.
She could pass it off as her being distracted or something and improve over time. You could even make an activity of it, all of you cook together and she learns from observing. Instead, you all let this go on behind her back for TWO YEARS and make fun of her effort.
YTJ for not telling her before, and so are the other people in this friend group.
You can be less of a jerk by telling her now, which is what your question is. Telling her doesn’t make you a jerk. As always, being a jerk doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a bad person. I don’t think you hid it from her maliciously, I think you hid it from her to spare her feelings.
But when you tell her now after so much time has passed, she might think you all did it to be cruel.
Either way, yes, you have to tell her. Eventually, she’s going to make food for someone outside this friend group. They’re going to get food poisoning and tell her. Then she’ll realize on her own before any of you get the chance to reassure her.
Maybe not over text though, I don’t know.” HeartbeatFire
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, everyone’s actions are. Better to tell her the truth so she can improve rather than just make fun of her cooking or lack thereof. Hopefully, she is someone who accepts constructive criticism. It is dangerous to eat uncooked meat! Maybe encourage her to get cooking classes and she might even be great at it once she learns the basics.
Sometimes some people just need training. Good luck!” NinaLB18
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but only because you’re explaining it as an inside joke. Please find a way to explain it without her being the butt of the joke. Undercooked food is dangerous and someone should tell her. It is really difficult cooking for a group of people when you’re used to it just being yourself and maybe another, I have definitely served undercooked meat.
Yes, it’s embarrassing when you realize it, but just pop it back in the oven and eat later. You might not need to mention the overcooked rice. She knows.” Big_Bowler8424
6. AITJ For Skipping School?
“I (14NB) fell very sick on Monday while at school. I had to be wheeled out in a wheelchair because I had passed out and was throwing up. During the period I was sick, it was the nurse’s lunchtime so it took at least ten minutes for them to get to me. I was in chem at the time and my teacher’s previous job gave her a little more experience than the average person on what to do.
Another teacher was called in as well in case my condition got worse and she needed help.
When the nurse arrived, I had to be lifted into the chair because I couldn’t support myself. They let me take the trash can which I eventually threw up in a lot of times. The nurse that was filling in that period used to work at my elementary school and immediately recognized me because I have many health issues and I had to spend a lot of time in the nurse’s office as a little kid.
She called my mom to pick me up and my mom said she would. It took over an hour for my mom to get to the school and my condition had gotten worse. Because the nurse already knew me and my mom, she knew my mom had a tendency to send me back before I was ready to be so I wouldn’t miss as much school.
As she helped my mom get me into the car she told my mom to not send me back until I was fully better (our school has a lot of stairs so if you’re dizzy and sick it doesn’t go down well.)
My mom agreed but I could tell it annoyed her that the nurse told her that.
I wasn’t in school yesterday because I still couldn’t fully function and I’m missing today because I’m not able to eat things without the risk of throwing up and if I throw up at school they’ll send me home and I’ll be home for longer. I also still can’t fully support myself while walking.
My mom is very mad that I’m not going today when I could’ve just tried to******* up and go.
She isn’t staying home with me so I didn’t know why she was so mad about it because I’m not hurting anyone else’s schedule. She said it was because it’s irresponsible to miss so much school just because I’m a little bit sick.
AITJ for not just trying to push through the school day?
Edit: It’s been two weeks since I got sick and I’m still not better.
I’m currently sobbing from stomach pain in my bed and I still haven’t been to a doctor. Getting out of bed uses up all my energy. My mom expected me to do many chores today as her ‘gift’ while the only thing I’ve been eating for the past two weeks is crackers, toast, and ginger ale.
I can’t keep down anything else. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Oh, God. Your mom needs to chill. If you’re having trouble walking and eating without throwing up, you’re sick. And think about this, if you did happen to be contagious with something, do you really think your peers would appreciate you being there and risking them being sick?
Not saying you’re contagious or have a serious illness, but does everyone else know that for certain? Either way, you’re definitely sick. No normal person would be forcing themselves to go to school at that point.” Kurigin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why was an ambulance or emergency services not called? Passing out, vomiting, and not being to stand/walk are definitely reasons to call medical services.
You said you have been sick a lot as a child, so unless you have a diagnosed chronic condition where those are the symptoms, medical services should have been called. If you do have a diagnosed chronic condition, your mom should have called and reported this to the doctor so they could decide if you needed to come in.
Online school/telelearning is possible and should be more readily available to children such as OP who suffer pretty serious symptoms. There has been free online school in my state for more than 12 years, way before the health crisis made it a necessity. OP’s mom should check it out.” SnazzySusieQ
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re staying home because you think there’s a good chance you’ll throw up, leading to more forced time away from school.
From a strictly rational perspective ignoring your feelings and only maximizing school attendance, your choice is an optimal one.
Whether or not that’s a good idea is separate – you learn a lot better when you’re well. Do a lot better on tests too.” BigBayesian
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Repaint The Walls In The Master Bedroom?
“My partner and I have started talking about moving in together. It’d help us both a lot, as I’m struggling with my mortgage, and she isn’t getting enough hours at work to pay her current rent.
We agree that I’d continue to pay the mortgage/taxes/fees, but she’ll cover all utilities and groceries. So we’d both be getting a great deal.
However, things recently hit a snag. My partner is insistent that I need to repaint the master bedroom before she moves in. I can’t do that. My brother helped me paint it, and it’s decorated with symbols from our favorite show that we love to watch together.
He isn’t in the best of health right now, and the room is like a gift he gave me, which I can’t bear to part with.
My partner says I’m unreasonable and that she won’t be comfortable in the room. I suggested turning the second bedroom (house is a 2/2) into our bedroom and moving all the stuff in there (I use it for storage mostly, but there’s also a bed for guests) into the master, but she balked at this, saying the master bedroom shouldn’t be the guest bedroom.
So we’re kind of stuck. I refuse to repaint, and she doesn’t want to live in a room she doesn’t like. She says I’m being a jerk and controlling, but these walls are important to me. She can change the furniture if she wants, but not the walls. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she can’t even pay her rent to stay where she’s at so you’re helping her out by giving her the opportunity to have a roof over her head for very little money.
She should just accept and be grateful or propose another solution. I think both of you need to make compromises tho if you don’t just want to defend your argument but also want to live happily together. Maybe hang a big textile/flag/poster in front of it so it’s not ‘gone’ but it isn’t all you’re looking at.
Your second suggestion sounds reasonable tho, who cares if the room you sleep in isn’t labeled the master bedroom or a bit smaller.” NAQURATOR
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the controlling one is the person making demands or ultimatums.
At the same time, I hope you reach a mental space where changing a room isn’t a struggle.
I do understand, I have a tattoo that needs to be redone due to faded colors but it is the memory of a late friend who put it on me. Will probably die with a faded-out rose, but that is skin, not paint on drywall.” TheRealSkeeter
Another User Comments:
“Peel-off wallpaper, my friend. The symbols will remain, but she won’t have to see them, and if you break up, you can just pull the wallpaper back off.
If you’re worried the wallpaper could still damage it, go the fabric-and-liquid-starch route: get a bunch of cloth, drench it in liquid starch, wring it out, and slap it on the walls. The starch will make it adhere to the walls but it will peel off easily when no longer wanted.
NTJ.” CJCreggsGoldfish
4. AITJ For Hiding My Past Mental Health Issues From My Partner?
“So I’ve been with my partner for about 2 years at this point.
We meet right when the health crisis hit and we were stuck in an apartment together and we just happened to click super well. Anyway, during the 2 years, obviously, at this point I’ve told her pretty much all my secrets, insecurities all that. But there was one thing I never told her about and it was that I had severe depression and often thought about offing myself and that I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 15.
Actually, she knew that I had my bouts with depression but greatly sugar-coated it.
During my senior year of high school, there was this seminar about mental illness and the speaker said that writing in a journal can sometimes help. I was desperate for anything so I tried it. For about 6 months I wrote about everything on my phone, how much I hated myself and the whole stuff.
After about 6 months, I started to notice that I was writing about the exact same thing just in different ways obviously the journal was working so I stopped. I have no idea why, god knows why, but I kept it on my phone. You’d think that you wouldn’t want reminders of your lowest point in life but I guess internally I wanted to see how bad my depression was if I ever got happy in the future.
Last night when we were planning our grocery store run, she used the notes app on my phone to write down the list. Normally she’d use her own phone but it died. I never use notes, with no exaggeration it’s probably been years since I touched the notes app. When it opened up she saw the journal and to be fair the title is very jarring.
It was titled ‘Why I hate my life’. I think I was in the bathroom when she found the journal, I mean what are the odds? She sent it to herself and I guess secretly read it throughout the night.
In the morning she confronted me about it and I explained that my mental instability was something I was somewhat ashamed of because of how often I thought about offing myself and how close I was to actually doing it.
She said she was more annoyed at the fact that I didn’t tell her about all of this and that we don’t keep secrets from each other. I understood that part but, this was in my past, right now, I am much happier and I credit most of it to my partner. She’s been giving me the side eye all day.
I felt that telling her that I wanted to off myself was a little too dark for our relationship and maybe just maybe, I should keep it to myself. So I’m torn. On the one hand, this whole mental illness thing, I really don’t like telling people about. In fact, my partner is the only one who knows about it.
So talking about it, makes me relive it, therefore, me no likey. On the other hand, I see a future where I marry this girl, and maybe keeping this a secret wasn’t the greatest idea. I just don’t know.”
Another User Comments:
“So she found something clearly private, sent it to herself, read it, and now is mad at you?
The stuff in there isn’t even about her. She has no right to be upset with you at all. NTJ.
Side note: I understand the feelings of shame about your mental health, but you should know that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. You didn’t choose to be that way and keeping it to yourself when you’re well means that people won’t know to check in with you when you’re not!
Support systems make a huge difference.
Extra side note: Try giving your depression a name that you hate, or the name of someone you hate. Then when you have intrusive or dark thoughts, you can tell (Michelle/James/Nicky/Ellen/whatever name you pick) that you’re not interested in what they have to say and they should buzz off.
I have severe depression as a major symptom of my bipolar disorder and doing that has made a huge difference to my mental health!” PoisonPlushi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Depression can kind of ebb and flow. If you are stable now, you aren’t obligated to tell your partner precisely how bad it was several years ago, and even if you did, nobody is ever entitled to read a journal. Sending herself your private document is a way bigger problem here.” tritoeat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I have PTSD, depression, and anxiety and it takes time to open up about those things. there’s a fear that when people learn those things about me they might pull away.
Even though you have been with her for two years, I understand why you wouldn’t wanna say anything, especially if you’re not actively going through a depressive episode.
I’m sure she is just feeling like you couldn’t trust her enough to tell her. But that doesn’t sound like the case for you, I would explain that it’s scary to share that stuff with people and it’s something you don’t want to relive. If she continues to be mad at you then that’s not really your issue, it’s more hers.
I also dislike how she sent it to herself, that’s a bit messed up.” invertedtongue
3. AITJ For Telling My Husband To Stop Meddling With My Parenting?
“My husband works from home until 8 pm, & I asked him once he’d finished if he could lend a hand putting the 3 kids to bed. Apparently, he’d told one of my boys (age 8) a couple of times during the last five minutes to go to his bedroom. My son did, but doubled back to use the toilet off the hall, and noticed in the mirror that he still had green text scribbled around his neck and face.
I was also in the bathroom after helping my youngest brush her teeth and I helped my son scrub off the text so that it is not a problem before school in the morning.
My husband heard us talking and came in to ask my son directly why he hadn’t gone straight to his room as asked. He stood with his head lowered, staring at us menacingly for 5 seconds before asking this in a stern voice.
I told my husband about the green pen, not to act that way, and that if I am there he shouldn’t need to interrogate my son directly, but to trust that as the other parent, who also has an interest in our kids getting to bed, that what we were doing shouldn’t need to be questioned.
My husband completely lost his temper, saying that as a parent, it should be his right to question his son if he needs to and it had nothing to do with me. It became a shouting match and he stormed downstairs and locked himself there, leaving all the remaining nighttime jobs to me. Later he came upstairs and locked himself into our spare bedroom and went to bed, refusing to talk to me.
He feels that I am questioning his good intentions to get his son to bed, and painting him as a bad person. Am I??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had to have this conversation with my SO.
He was already stressed and geared up from a problem at work. The boys are drinking milk at the coffee table, my son spills his milk, on accident (I watched him bump it when grabbing his tablet), and my SO lost it.
I finally had to stand up and say ‘alright’, sternly, as I walked to the kitchen to get clean up things.
He immediately stopped but told me that I ‘can’t undermine his authority in front of the boys,’ after the boys went to bed.
So we had a lesson in ‘you are not the master of this house and I am just as much a voice of authority’ and if you have a problem with that then this is over.
It is my job to protect my kid, and if you’re screaming at him and losing it over a spill from a 5 yo then we have a way more serious problem on our hands.
We aren’t playing the alpha male 80s nonsense that your dad pulled on you. And just because your mom didn’t protect you from your dad doesn’t mean I won’t protect my son and yours if you are overstepping.
We’ve had far fewer issues in the last, almost 2, years of living together since this conversation.” LrrrRulerotPOP8
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you two need to learn how to communicate. The victim in your scenario is your son. Who got in trouble for nothing and as far as he knows, is the reason you two had a big fight?
Your husband should’ve taken a few seconds to find out why your son made a pit stop in the bathroom first, and not demanded why your son didn’t respect his authority. And you shouldn’t have cut your husband down that way in front of the kids either. And how did this turn into a full-blown fight?
Also, I would assume going to the bathroom is what’s done before going to their room for the night, so why was your son scolded by hubby for going there first?” Big_Bowler8424
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He shouldn’t have lost his temper and gone to bed without discussing anything, but he also was just chasing up his kid who wasn’t going to bed when asked. I have to do that every night with my ONE kid and he always vanishes and seeks my husband for ‘backup’.
Thankfully/unfortunately my husband is very hands-off so he doesn’t care when I question my son around him… but if your husband entered that room and genuinely just wanted to know why his son wasn’t doing what was asked then that’s just normal! Glowering at YOU is bad, but if he was just glowering at your son… in that parent way we all do, then there’s nothing wrong with that.
I feel you should give him a break and let him parent equally.
You’re not the only parent and you’re not above being questioned when/if he was doing it for the right reasons. You sound like you can’t handle your authority being questioned… So what if you were in the same room? You are both meant to be working as a team, whereas it sounds like your authority overrides his.” Icy-Cellist6019
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – Sounds to me like he was just trying to get the kid to bed, saw he wasn’t doing what was asked, and questioned him about it? The glowering doesn’t sound good but I know I’ve given similar looks to my kids if I’ve asked them to do something and then I catch them NOT doing it.
But why is he not allowed to question the kid just because you are there? If he didn’t know why your son wasn’t in bed he should be able to ask the question.
I feel OP is more the jerk for getting so defensive about the son being questioned in her presence… so what if OP was there?
It doesn’t mean the husband has to just turn around and give up trying to get his son to bed… what’s the harm in answering a question? Husband is also a jerk for going to bed without attempting to talk to the OP though…. that’s never a nice feeling.” Antique-Objective513
2. AITJ For Inviting My Dad To A Mother's Day Brunch?
“A few months ago my (30) parents separated after 36 years of marriage. Since then my Mom (57) had been treating my Dad (60) very rudely, and I’ve seen things in my Mom that I’m not a fan of, and it’s having me reevaluate my relationship with her.
With Mother’s Day coming up my brothers (36 & 33) discussed what we were doing for Mother’s Day. I asked my mom if she had plans as she used to go to their camper every year during Mother’s Day. Her response was ‘Not sure what I’m doing.’ This felt like a test because she usually gets angry at my brothers for not acknowledging her enough for Mother’s Day.
I found out that my husband (who is a chef) took off Mother’s Day to celebrate my first official mother’s day with me. So I decided that so we could celebrate with his mom as well that we would host a Mother’s Day brunch. I sent the invite out to my brothers & their wives, my mom, and my in-laws and then sent a separate message to my dad inviting him.
I told him Mom’s response about not being sure what she is doing, and that I did want to invite him over if he wanted to come but understood if he didn’t. Mom replied shortly after saying she’d be there and I did tell my dad that she’d be there so he is aware.
I let my brothers know that I invited dad and my oldest brother seemed to think it was insensitive to invite dad. I did not tell mom that dad was coming.
I look at it as it’s a family gathering and our family is welcome in my home, and no one except me and my husband has a say in who is welcomed into our home, but am I being a jerk for inviting my dad to a family brunch on mother’s day?
Edited to add some details: I have since told my mom that he was invited. They haven’t officially decided to divorce and they have been at family functions together since their separation without contention or issue. It’s not going to just be my husband, my mom, and dad, there will be other family members there.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s not a family brunch, it’s a Mother’s Day celebration, where you’re supposed to be celebrating the mothers in the group. You invited your mom’s ex-husband, who she’s not on good terms with, to a celebration that, in part, is supposed to be about her. And you didn’t even tell her he’s been invited so she can’t make the decision to not go because she doesn’t want to be around him.
Why is your dad even invited to this? He’s not a mom. What do you think will happen if they both show up? Do you expect your mom will just be okay with it? Keep her mouth shut? Most likely this deception will ruin the entire event before it even gets started.” GlassSandwich9315
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
What is your plan here? Some parent trap nonsense? Because you’re a little too old to be playing games like that.
All you’re going to do is welcome an argument into your home and you KNOW it, otherwise, you would’ve asked them in the same group chat.
If this dinner is meant to celebrate moms, why does your dad need to be there?
Just like if it were Father’s Day, I’d say don’t invite your mom. You’re just inviting drama at this point.” RissaRay113
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – do you also invite friends’ exes to their birthday parties? Grow up, you have your own kid. Your parents are getting a divorce, and you may not like it, but as an adult, you need to respect it.
You know you’re causing drama, and hiding behind a ‘family function’, when no, it’s a day to celebrate mothers. He is neither your mother, her mother, or her child so he should not be invited.” SherbetAnnual2294
Sounds like you want both sets of parents there. And that's okay.
1. It's at your house, so you can invite whomever you want to invite. 2. You did tell your mother, so it won't be a surprise.
3. It's Mother's Day for you too, so you get to celebrate with whomever you wish.
4. Your house, your rules.
1. WIBTJ If I Ask My Ex To Give My $10 Back?
“So my ex (let’s call them ‘Brick’) and I started going out in December of 2020. It went ok for a while and we were both happy-ish. Fast forward to September ‘21 and Brick asks me if I can loan them $10 so they can get a game they want at a discount on Steam. They say they’ll pay it back, and I can afford it so I oblige.
Fast forward to November of the same year and it’s my birthday so we go out to eat. Brick ends up paying for most of it (I think it was 30-45 USD) but I pay for some stuff on my own. (Think I paid like 10-15 USD) We break up a week later and fast forward to today we still talk but not as much, and I still have not gotten my money back.
I’ve confronted them about it before and Brick says that since they paid for most of the stuff on my birthday, they owe me nothing. Now I’m asking you if it would be justified for me to demand my funds back.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you’re not getting that money back. It’s $10 let it go.
Just because he bought dinner on your birthday doesn’t mean that is a payback on a loan. It was a gift. If he wanted it to be payback, he should have asked and negotiated that prior to paying. that being said, he already gave this excuse to you and you let it go without argument… so you basically settled the debt by not telling him you felt otherwise off the bat.
You can demand the funds back if you really want but think about the drama/consequences. Do you REALLY want to fight over $10?
In the future, don’t lend people funds without a full-on agreement. And don’t let them try and change the way payment is made. Me, I never lend anything. I give it. If I have it and someone needs it, I rather give it to them.
I never expect it back because I can’t deal with remembering who owes me what and when. And if people had the funds to pay back, they wouldn’t be asking to borrow it. Not saying it’s the 100% right way to think; it’s just how I think. I’ve watched too much Judge Judy and made the decision that I wasn’t going to stress myself over money.
MAYBE if it was 10,000 dollars but $10? Let it go. He’s a jerk but let it go.” Sweet_Charming82
Another User Comments:
“Most people would pay $100s to never hear from their exes again. You looking to initiate an argument over $10 with an ex is just dumb. Chances are they are going to be like ‘well I bought you food, we’re even’ or ‘well I bought you food, you owe me’ or ‘what about all the times I bought you stuff, you going to pay me for that’ or something else that’s stupid.
Move on with your life.
YTJ, because you’re going to be an idiot that picks a fight with an ex over something so minor.” YanceyWoodchuck
Another User Comments:
“If you are cash-strapped and/or living paycheck to paycheck NTJ (and see about getting some financial management help, free at many locations). If you are not cash-strapped, YTJ because it’s not worth the energy to pursue or remember.
While a birthday meal is not the same thing as paying it back (unless explicitly stated as such which is weird though for a relationship), harping on it even now, all these months later is a waste of time. Let it go and move on. Stop letting this person live in your head rent-free.” CylintStep
Another User Comments:
“So in the end, he paid at least 30 USD, from which you owed 15 USD.
You paid a maximum of 15 USD from which he owed 7.5 USD.
So you owed them at least 7.5 USD.
As he owes you 10 USD, he owes you a maximum of 2.5 USD.
If he paid 45 USD and you paid 10 USD, then you actually owe him.
So either make the math and see who owes who or just let it be.
YTJ.” ExcellentPatience298
