People Can't Admit They're Wrong In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
22. AITJ For Refusing To Work With My Unreliable Friend In Final Year?
“My friends and I (all in our 20s) study architecture. We are in our final year. My one friend is incredibly smart and a great artist but, to put it nicely, she is not doing good with our studies.
Almost all our projects/exams are teamwork. Until now, I always worked with her but there are issues.
In every exam, she does her work at the last minute. Most of her work needs to be redone, so everyone else doesn’t get to sleep. If she redoes it herself, she always does it incorrectly again, no matter how often you tell her how to do it.
She uses incompatible programs, says she won’t do it again, then does it again. She doesn’t show up to university unless we tell her to. When we tell her to go but can’t come ourselves (for sickness, etc.), she finds an excuse not to go.
She does not tell us she won’t go. There have been instances where I told her I would go sick if she didn’t, and still she didn’t tell me. Her work is bad. Last time she didn’t draw crucial details such as handrails, frames for the windows, flooring, entire inside walls of the building, etc. She once gave me something incorrect at 10 p.m., 10 hours beforehand.
She said she couldn’t redo it in the little time and went to sleep. I redid it. She didn’t work at home when she came to uni that day.
If I don’t tell her what to do and a description of how she won’t do it.
I know she knows better, as she is smart as well as an amazing artist. It feels like she is doing bad on purpose. I barely sleep during exams while she rarely sleeps less than 8 hours. Now to my breaking point: we failed our last exam.
News came in yesterday. I did literally every drawing by myself while she gave excuses all semester. I am tired.
Still, I feel torn. I don’t want to work with her anymore because she hurt me so bad and what friend leaves their friend hanging like this?
But she is an awesome person and I don’t want to hurt her because she is sweet and nice. I am scared she won’t want to hang out anymore and that I will lose her as a friend. I fear she will feel left in the dark and unappreciated. Am I really justified in judging about how useful she is when she claims to give her best?
My friends and I sent her a long message about how we still like her as our friend but don’t want to work with her anymore. I feel nauseous and can’t check my phone. I am scared that I hurt her and that it was wrong to do this.
I don’t want to hurt her but I feel trapped. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Working here in the past has literally caused you to fail. It’s reasonable that you don’t want that to happen again. If you care about her as a friend, though, I think you should probe a little into why she’s behaving like this.
Her behavior is consistent with someone who is struggling with a mental health issue of some kind. I imagine there’s a lot behind the scenes that you’re not seeing. It sounds like she’s not in a place where she’s able to engage with her coursework, and it would be wise of her to take some time off so she can work through whatever difficulties she’s experiencing right now.
It sounds like you’re a caring and compassionate friend. It’s absolutely okay that you want to protect your grades in your coursework, and I think the best thing you can do for her right now is encourage her to take steps toward addressing the root causes of her academic struggles.
Ultimately, working with her and covering for the fact that she’s not learning the course material isn’t really going to help her in the long run.” eefr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have every right to want to do your work and studies well. Your friend is nothing but a load and parasite.
It’s surprising that you and others put up with her as long as you did. Imho, she creates a toxic environment in your friends group. You all are better off without her.” Turbidodozer
Another User Comments:
“Your education is on the line. If she won’t do what needs to be done as part of a team, then the onus is on her.
You may lose her as a friend. You need to decide if her friendship is worth more than the education you have been working on for years.” Strict_Research_1876
21. AITJ For Prioritizing A Concert Over A Friend’s Birthday And Losing My Trusted Group?
“I’m 16M and I have a small friend group at school. I moved back to my old school which is a story for another time, but I was informed that my friend A (14F) had a birthday party on the same day as a concert I had planned on going to.
It wouldn’t have been a huge deal if the concert was in the same city as I live in. It wasn’t. It was in Nottingham. A was angry and didn’t tell me directly, and seemed to make a joke about it to my memory. I spent the day with my two other friends, B (15M) and C (15M), which I had no problem with.
I apologize because the concert was planned over half a year in advance because the tickets were a Christmas present. I would’ve gone if I could’ve, but I couldn’t. I live in a city very far away from the concert venue. I’m English, so I had to travel down to said city.
This wasn’t the end of the issue, though. After the concert, which was great, my mental health started going downhill due to the stress of school and GCSEs. I was getting snappier because something else happened involving my exam desk, my candidate number, and my legal name.
My mental health isn’t any better, but A, B, and C confronted me and told me that I was killing the mood. I felt horrible and apologized. My instinct was to isolate myself and try to reflect and get better. I asked B how I could make myself better to be around, and he said “Just cheer up.” This friend group had a past with mental health issues, so I was shocked when he told me that.
What made me feel even worse was when he followed that up, saying something even worse. I didn’t know what to respond with, so I broke down and ended up in A&E because I thought I wouldn’t last until September. I’m still alive, obviously, but that shocked me.
When I went to school for the last day, I stayed completely on my own, and A, B, and C went out without inviting me. They all excluded me from conversations when I saw them in the morning, and I just felt really out of place.
I know that they have a separate group chat without me in it, which kinda hurts, but I took the chance to leave all the group chats with them in it. What hurts even more is that C was one of my closest friends, and he had been friends with me since primary school.
It hurts like heck to lose him, but I know I need to move on. I just feel like if I tried to prevent that whole concert from happening, this wouldn’t have happened. But AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ for missing the party when you already had another commitment that you made before you knew about the party.
I’m curious what your friends would do in the same situation. That being said, it seems like the bigger issue is that they’re excluding you from the friend group not because of the party but because of the way you’re acting because of your mental health.
That’s not really a cool thing to do.” Dapper-danimal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and honestly this sounds like it’s about lots of friend-group dynamics, and also your own mental state, and not about any one incident. This is the kind of thing where it’s tempting to try to ‘fix’ things, but the best fix of all is for you to concentrate on what makes you feel comfortable and good.
It sounds like it might make sense for you to spend less time with them for a while, or maybe you’ve all had a minor parting of ways, but that doesn’t mean you won’t circle back and be good friends again. Don’t worry about them, give yourself some time to sort out your own stress.” bladaster
Another User Comments:
“I honestly don’t think they are your friends at this point. It seems like they are just using this as an excuse to be mean to you because they just want to. Now I don’t know exactly much about your life except the information you gave us, but I would think about finding a better group of people to hang around that will appreciate their friendships.
I know it’s hard at your age, but it is definitely possible. You can look for people who have the same goals as you and have similar outlooks on life and have them carry themselves. Just to be clear, you are NOT the jerk.
You are thoughtful and they are disrespectful.” User
20. AITJ For Bringing My Own Drinks To An Drink-Free Party?
“My friend Paul had a party at his house. Everyone was informed in the group chat beforehand that there’s going to be snacks and soda but no booze served because it’s out of budget, and booze is really expensive in my country, so this was completely understandable, so I prepared to take my own as booze is an usual part of party (and otherwise really) culture here.
This was an adult party where everyone was 20 or over (18 is the drinking age in my country).
I didn’t see anyone else at the party have their own booze, so I kept mine really down low. But I got caught by a girl I didn’t know—assumed someone’s plus one—who told Paul about it.
Paul approached me about it, it became a whole scene, and I was told to leave, and I did. I was clear minded and only a little “buzzed” and completely fine walking home on my own. I thought we’d talk about it the next day, clear things up, and then everything would be fine.
It’s been a week, and Paul and a couple of other friends of mine who were also at the party have been leaving me on read, and I was kicked out of the group chat.
Two friends, Frank and Matt, who are still in the group chat, are still cool with me.
Frank even said he had a couple drinks before the party himself, so he thinks Paul completely overreacted. They suggested I just let it be for a little while, and Paul and the others will probably get over it and realise they’re overreacting.
Any reason for Paul’s extremely hostile reaction hasn’t been given to me, and Frank and Matt are saying it hasn’t come up in the group chat, but there’s now a rumor I’m a heavy drinker (I’m not, I’m only a social/party drinker), and Paul and the others ghosting me are mad that the vibes were off and the party was ruined after I left because of me.
I tried to visit Paul at his house yesterday, but he wasn’t home, and his roommate said from the window that Paul said not to let me in and that Paul doesn’t want to see me because I was a “jerk” at his party.
To me, I don’t feel like I did anything wrong and that what happened was an honest misunderstanding, and I have two friends backing me up for that. But with more than one person being mad at me for “ruining the party,” I can’t help but wonder if I’m missing something from Paul’s perspective, as I’ve never hosted parties myself—like maybe he thinks I was making fun of his limited budget or something?
So I’d like to know, especially from other people who have hosted parties before, if me bringing my own booze was really that bad when the party wasn’t specifically stated as being booze free?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say NTJ because the host was too vague about the booze.
He said, “there’s going to be snacks and soda but no booze served because it’s out of budget.” If he wanted a booze-free party he should have said, “this is a non-booze dinner, I’ll be providing soda and snacks.” In the USA, parties like this will stipulate BYOB (bring your own booze) or straight up “this is a non-booze party.” Your friend needed to be more clear since, as you say, it’s not unusual in your country to BYOB because of the expense.” IamIrene
Another User Comments:
“OP, I never drink booze by choice, and what I’ve noticed when I’m around people who regularly drink is that there’s a point where I will know they’re under the influence and they may not realize how obvious that is.
That kind of reaction makes me think you were the only intoxicated guy at a party full of sober people and that sticks out like a sore thumb. I think to render any kind of verdict we would have had to be there. This story is too incomplete for anything but uncertainty.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Since the party was not specifically booze free, I see nothing wrong with what you did as long as you did not get intoxicated and become an irritant (which you said you did not). Just continue to reach out for a discussion, but try not to involve others in choosing sides.
NTJ.” [deleted]
19. AITJ For Choosing My Friend's Birthday Over Mandatory Church?
“Maybe some of you would think, by the title, I’m not the wrong one for not wanting to go. Idk, but actually I want to understand who was wrong and why.
It was my friend’s birthday, and in my country, it was a holiday for religious festivities.
I’m 19 and was in the last days of my third university cycle, so I had assignments to complete. As I mentioned, that day was my friend’s birthday in the evening, and I had planned to finish my tasks in the morning so I could go in the afternoon.
We had planned this for a month, but I just told my mom about this the night before because I was afraid she could put some conditions on me to go, and of course, I don’t think anyone would like that.
So, I’m doing my homework and my mom comes in.
She tells me that we will be going to mass in a few hours. I’m not a religious person, despite my parents being so, especially my mom. I tell her that I won’t be able to go because I’ll be busy and that today is my friend’s birthday, but also because I simply don’t want to go.
Then she warns me that if I don’t go to mass, I won’t go to my friend’s birthday. I try to argue, but she establishes it as a fact.
Hours pass, and she comes back and says we must go now. So I tell her I won’t go.
I try to explain, but she says, “this is how we agreed,” and I say, “no, that’s what you said.” Then she says that I already know how this will play out anyway. At that moment, my dad enters and starts raising his voice because I don’t want to go, saying that “I always do what I want” and that “it’s been a while since I went to mass.” So I can’t help but tear up a bit from the loud sound of his voice, but I stick to my decision.
Again, I’m not a religious person, but I believe, but I don’t like thinking so much about it. I have a certain fear towards religion. It’s linked to death, and I’m already a person who overthinks. I know I have a guilt complex I’m trying to overcome, and thinking about religion makes me feel simply unhappy.
I want to live my life without that thought, and if I’ll have to convert, I’ll convert naturally and I’ll do the rites naturally.
I simply didn’t want to go, and usually I have to invent excuses to not go.
So now, theoretically, I’m grounded and won’t go to my friend’s party.
So, actually I want to know: Who was the wrong one here and why? Or maybe am I the jerk for sticking to my little “I don’t wanna because I don’t wanna (insert lore: my personal reasons I’ve explained you, mom, but you still say ‘I’m wrong’?)?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like there are some culturally specific family dynamics here that I’m not personally familiar with, but you’re an adult and should be able to make your own decisions about how you spend your time. Also, you are too old to be grounded.” hannahkelli
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, University comes first in all of this and I don’t think that church must be such a priority, especially if you are not religious at all. It can be hard in some countries, seeing you are from Peru, to get people to understand that GEN-Z is not up for church.
But stand your ground. Little note on this hypocrisy: Judaism and later Christianity was literally fighting to not be forced to believe Roman or Egyptian Gods in the Bible, so why would Christians now do the things they very much were out to get rid of…” dkr_91
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom just grounded a 19 yo adult. That speaks volumes about your past, your relationship with her, and how she views you. In short, she’s the jerk. She didn’t get her way and she punished you, an adult. To your views on religion, you say you have a guilt complex.
I would suggest that’s less on the religion and more on the fact that your mother has made this such a big issue in your life. I would suggest you consider if your conflict is with religion or simply the fact your mother has used this for control?
Like she is doing now.” [deleted]
18. AITJ For Leaving My Best Friend's Hens Weekend Because I Was Unwell?
“I (single 29F) am a bridesmaid for one of my best friend’s weddings (37F), and she decided she wanted a hens weekend at the coast, instead of just one night out.
The planning was left up to the Man of Honour (bisexual 39M), who is extremely high maintenance in my opinion, but we all love him because he is outgoing and always a laugh to be around.
He found an amazing penthouse in a hotel for the weekend, which looked gorgeous, and everyone that was coming was staying there except me, as I am currently trying to save money to buy my first house.
For context, I work 2 jobs plus study full-time online, so I am always busy but still made time to see friends and family and attend the weekend, despite being strapped for cash.
The start of the weekend was great, with some catch-up and drinks on Friday night, and everyone didn’t go to bed until about midnight.
I hadn’t slept well on Friday night and had woken around 6 am on Saturday. Everyone met up at the penthouse around 9:30 to do the day’s activities, which included an escape room, lunch, and mini golf, which was a great experience with everyone. Then we proceeded to head back to the hotel for pre-drinks and to get ready for going out to the clubs.
It had gotten to about 11 pm when I started to feel unwell and had told the bride that I didn’t think I would be able to join everyone out at the clubs as much as I wanted to.
She asked if I was sure, and I said yes, to which she said that was fine.
I started to tell everyone else who was going out, and because I knew the Man of Honour wasn’t going to be happy, I left him till last.
When I finally told him, he started to yell at me and told me I was being selfish and that this was the bride’s weekend, and I was making it about me.
He said that I have no excuse for leaving and asked why I’m even in the bridal party when I can’t make an effort to do this for her. He added that I should just leave because he doesn’t even want to see me anymore, and I shouldn’t wait for them to get ready and go home because my behaviour is disgusting.
I go to tell the bride I’m leaving, but he continues to yell at me, saying I don’t even deserve to talk to anyone and should just leave.
I leave and head straight home because I felt that my presence was going to ruin the rest of the weekend.
It has been 2 days, and I haven’t heard from anyone, including the bride, so AITJ for leaving the hens weekend??”
Another User Comments:
“A true best friend would have texted or called to see if you were feeling better. Ignore the best man and his rude behavior.
If you want to follow up with the bride, only acknowledge that you weren’t feeling well and appreciate her understanding and hope she had a great rest of the weekend. Don’t give the BM any more credibility by bringing him up. If the bride makes it about the BM, his reaction, and you leaving, then you have your answer about your friendship.
NTJ” klurtin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The high expectations put on the bridal party for bachelorette weekends, etc., is ridiculous. I feel like it’s either a day thing or a night thing for activities. Trying to do both? Naw. My bachelorette was getting together with a couple friends, chatting and a little bit of drinking.
I mean, I had gotten my nails done earlier in the day with my sister (she has two little ones at home, so she couldn’t be gone all day). Escape rooms are cool, but to do a bunch of other stuff in a day as well, I’d probably start to feel unwell too.
I’d call rather than text the bride and check in to see where you stand. You’re not the jerk. The Man of Honour definitely is, though.” Basic_Ask8109
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t feel well. The Man of Honour sounds like a jerk.
I’m sorry he made you feel that way. If he had reacted like a decent, understanding human, you would have been fine to join them the next day. You need to contact the bride and let her know what happened. I wouldn’t be surprised if his version wasn’t completely truthful.” _gadget_girl
17. AITJ For Calling Out My SIL's Unwanted Skin Touching And Skincare Pitches?
“So my SIL (29F) is basically really pushy and annoying. Just a little backstory on her, she’s one of those people who learns something new and has to then go and educate everyone about it whether they ask or not. So she’s being doing a course in massage therapy and beauty (where she asks me to volunteer to come in for because they use people to practice on).
I’m not personally into any of that stuff, I don’t find massages relaxing and I don’t use fancy skincare because I don’t really care and my skin is fine, but I do it to help her out because she told me she doesn’t have friends (she told me).
She also used to call me at the last minute i.e half an hour before she needed someone to complete a part of her course and expect me to always say yes because I work from home and for myself so I ‘have the time’, and send very manipulative messages saying that ‘I know you’re not doing anything’, then get angry when I said no.
Anyway she got a job at a new skin clinic, ands comes and tells us every little detail as often as possible. She also said they use this particular skincare brand that’s about $100 a bottle and has been pushing it on me for ages. Each time I’ve said no I’m happy with the products I use at my local chemist (I spend about $15 on my skincare), she makes back handed comments saying that if I cared at all about my self and took pride in myself I would spend the right amount of money and goes on forever about how the brand her work sells is good and rambles on about ingredients.
She also gets really close to me and starts touching my skin saying where it could use improvements and how her products can help. I tend to ignore her and move the topic along but she ends up continually bringing it up. It got to a point where she brought it up again and I just casually said not everyone’s skin is as bad as hers.
TBH I don’t really think much of her skin I don’t think of anyone’s skin at all, I said it to shut her up. I also said that I wasn’t going to be a part of her MLM scheme because of how much she was pushing the products from her workplace.
I’m sure she gets commission or something from it but she kept saying you just need to get one then try it then you can get more I dunno tbh. Anyway she’s offended and people have told me to apologise but I don’t really care, I don’t think its appropriate to comment on how other people look or what budgets people want to use for their skincare products.
AITA?”
Another User Comments:
“NTA. Going so far as to touch your face and point out “imperfections” was totally out of line. She may as well learn now that many people aren’t going to put up with MLM nonsense” undertherosetrellis
Another User Comments:
“NTA “She also gets really close to me and starts touching my skin ” ..
set a HARD boundary to that. SHe needs to learn about consent. A loud “STOP TOUCHING ME” will help. “It got to a point where she brought it up again and I just casually said not everyone’s skin is as bad as hers.” … petty, but likely effective.
VERY WELL DONE. ” Anyway she’s offended and people have told me to apologise but I don’t really care, ” .. WHy would YOU apologize?” Aggressive-Mind-2085
16. AITJ For Not Sharing My Dinner With My Friend After He Canceled Plans?
I (24m) was hanging out with my friend (22m) at a hotel together in Japan and we both started feeling hungry around dinner time.
I was quite tired and didn’t feel like going out to eat and just wanted to order room service or Uber Eats something, eat alone and have a simple night. My friend wanted to go out and eat, but I really wasn’t feeling it so I was looking at places that we could order from and eat together; however, it was late at night so all the good places were closed for delivery, so I finally agreed to go out and eat with him.
I told my friend, “Let me shower first real quick,” and he said, “Okay, just let me know when you’re done so we can head out.” As I was showering, I started thinking about how it would be pretty nice to go out right now to eat since it was pretty late and the streets wouldn’t be too busy, and the weather was nice.
It would be a nice time, and I got excited about our hangout. I finished showering quickly to be considerate of my friend’s time and checked my phone just to see my friend canceled because he was feeling too tired to go out now since we spent so much time arguing about where to eat and if we would stay in or go out.
I was pretty annoyed, since it was his idea to go out in the first place and I didn’t even want to go but I agreed to just for him. However, I understood how he was feeling, so I let him be and ordered some food for myself and went to my hotel room and called it a night, assuming that he would do the same.
So my food comes, and as I’m eating I check my phone and see he texted me asking what I was doing, and I told him that I ordered some food and was gonna head to sleep soon. Then he started asking me what food I got, where I got it from, if I could send him a pic, and kept spamming me asking if he could come and eat with me, but I just ignored his texts and went on with my night.
The next morning we had plans to go to a local museum, so I texted him asking what time we should head out. He wouldn’t answer me, so I knocked on his hotel room and he opened the door and looked pretty irritated at me and said how he didn’t wanna go and how he’s not energized because he didn’t have dinner last night, basically blaming me for not sharing my dinner with him.
So am I the jerk?
Another User Comments:
“Your friend had every opportunity to order their own food when he canceled on going out. If you had decided to eat out, he would have had to figure it out for himself. When he learned you had food, he decided that you needed to share because he had been lazy.
NTJ” Aggravating-Pain9249
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He canceled on you, then expected you to provide him with dinner. It’s up to him to figure out what to eat. You aren’t his nanny.” Emotional_Bonus_934
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You’re both acting like children here. You both need to learn how to communicate and how to move on; this is petty from him.” Aivellac
15. AITJ For Forcing My 13-Year-Old To Clean Up After Pretending To Be Sick?
My 13 year old niece has been living with my family for the last 8 months after her father died and her mother had a breakdown.
I understand her circumstances are difficult, but ever since she began living with us she has been entitled, attention-seeking, and generally incapable of taking responsibility for her actions. I suspect this is less to do with the circumstances and more to do with how she was raised: my brother- and sister-in-law were “lax” parents, and she responds to even the slightest discipline by screaming and crying on the ground like a toddler.
As she has been put in my care, I consider it my responsibility to put my foot down regarding these behaviors.
This morning, she said that she was sick when I called her down for breakfast. She did not have a fever or any other signs of illness.
I told her to go downstairs and eat because we had things to do today.
When she finally came down, she refused to eat breakfast, saying she felt too sick. It has already occurred multiple times that she has not eaten at the table and then expected to be made or bought food when she was hungry later.
I was absolutely not going to buy her fast food while we were out today, so I told her to sit down and eat the food I had prepared.
She acted very dramatic while she ate, groaning and clutching her stomach like a cartoon character.
When this didn’t get her sympathy, she threw up on the floor. She says she couldn’t help it, but I don’t believe that. If she was really sick, she could’ve gone to the bathroom. The fact that she threw up right on the carpet makes me think she was trying to make a scene.
But regardless of her motivations, she made a mess, and in my house, people take responsibility for themselves. I told her she would be expected to clean the carpet, and to pay for a professional service if she was unable to do it adequately herself (she gets an allowance, so she has money).
Her reaction? To start sobbing and screaming at me, and then to run up to her bedroom and slam the door. All because I asked her to clean the mess she made. She hasn’t left her room since.
I think all of this reflects on the way her parents have been raising her.
She seems to believe that putting on enough of a show will get her whatever she wants, and that crying will relieve her of basic responsibilities. I understand I’m not her parent, but I am her legal guardian for the moment. Spoiled, attention-seeking children grow into spoiled, attention-seeking adults, and I just can’t imagine letting this go and letting her think that this kind of behavior is acceptable.
Another User Comments:
“YTJ I was all prepared to be on your side here. Then you forced a sick 13-year-old to eat and dismissed her feedback about her body. You assign villainous intent to vomiting and let’s be honest, you made that mess with the above actions, not her.
I feel so bad for this child. This can’t be a real post.” LadyCass79
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She threw up. She’s 13. Aside from general teenage angst, she has an incredibly difficult life and you are adding to it. You seem like a spoiled adult who refuses to see a child as a child.
Boohoo, you need to be extra kind and patient to a child whose DAD DIED. What next are you gonna complain about? Buying her tissues when she cries?” kohn17
14. AITJ For Questioning Special Education Teachers About My Son's Snacks And IEP?
“I (30f) and my partner’s (30m) nonverbal/preverbal autistic son (4) just started public school at pre-k and is in a special education classroom.
His first few days, I had some concerns about him not eating or being given his snacks. I texted his teacher two-three times about this with no response. I also asked if his IEP had been reviewed with no response. (He is supposed to receive speech and occupational therapy as well as other accommodations.) The only communication I had received from her thus far is asking me basic questions such as if he is on medication.
Since I was unable to contact his teacher, I emailed the assistant principal who oversees the sped kids and said I had a few concerns about him not being fed his snacks (they came home unopened for a week straight, and he is unable to open them himself), as well as concerns about the lack of communication and his IEP.
I feel I was very respectful and careful with the way I word things, especially since I do have social anxiety and have trouble in general with any confrontation.
Her response back seemed a bit dismissive and like I had offended her. She basically said I shouldn’t be bothering the teachers during class; I need to respect their time; if there is a problem, they will contact me.
Most kids don’t eat the first few weeks (which is possibly true, but he hadn’t even been given the opportunity for a snack). She continued with what all the teachers have to deal with, etc., and that I should trust them to take care of our child.
She did say she would review his IEP, which I appreciated.
I emailed back (again respectfully) saying I understand and respect his teachers and appreciate them, but that again he cannot open his snacks, and that I really am not trying to be a bother.
She said we could have a meeting today to discuss concerns as well as “my expectations for teacher communication.”
During the meeting, she did address our concerns. However, she also said to please trust them, and that by not doing so, I am doing a disservice because then the teacher questions themselves, and she doesn’t want to lose good teachers.
She came off a bit aggressive imo.
I am considering getting an advocate for my son at this point, but I don’t want to upset anyone. That is not my goal. Did I do something wrong or go about this the wrong way? I understand it was the first week of school and that things are hectic, but my son cannot communicate to me if he is okay, and all I wanted were a few concerns addressed and maybe a weekly update.
The aggressive response, as though I had offended her and her staff, really confused me, though.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I am going to go with a No jerks here judgement, but then add that your expectations for the first few days of class are unreasonable.
He isn’t going to get PT, speech, and OT within the first few days. He may or may not eat his snack, or the class may not even have snack time started as of yet. You absolutely should not try to contact the teacher during class time and expect a response.
The teachers are still trying to figure out which kids are going to destroy the classroom, which kids elope (that is, run away for people who are not in education), which kids need bathroom help, etc. Services usually start in early October. The snack issue is likely, as they said, and your kid doesn’t want his snack, or there is no established snack time just a few days in.
Basically, take a deep breath. Relax a bit and let them get into a routine. If he isn’t getting services by early October, then seek other avenues.” sheramom4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – never the jerk for looking out for your kid! But if you are messaging a teacher during the day, it will be difficult for them to respond because they are teaching!
Maybe try providing a different type of snack that your kid can eat independently – like putting it in one of those snack baggies that just folds over instead of sealing?” margo2953
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I get that you are concerned, but think about it – do you want the teacher checking her phone while she is supposed to be teaching?
My husband is a teacher, and he cannot check his phone or email unless he is on his planning period. Of course the teacher can’t text you back during class. That is not a reasonable expectation. As for snacks, you need to send something your kid can open.
If he can’t open packages, you need to open the snacks and put them in a container he can open, like a bag that only folds over. Or easy open Tupperware.” myshellly
13. AITJ For Wanting My Dad To Move Out And Stop Living Off My Family?
My (35f) dad (64m) lives with my husband, myself, and our kids. Growing up, I was made to start working when I was 10 by him taking me every weekend to his office and making me clean the office (bathrooms, dust the front space where customers came in, the kitchen, and vacuum the entire office and back stock room), and I haven’t stopped working since.
I was forced to clean his office in our house every 6 mos because that’s how long it took for him to trash it and cause the entire floor to be covered in at least a foot of stuff. He does have health issues, but they’re mostly because he refuses to take care of himself.
When I was 18, he and my mom divorced. Around this time, I met my now husband and we ended up getting married, having a baby, and moved away for a fresh start. 11 yrs ago, he asked to come stay with us so that he could go to some better drs near us.
We agreed, with the agreement he would take care of his room, clean up, and respect our house. He has never kept his room clean, and when we say anything, he argues nonstop that we’re treating him like a child. He decided to retire in 2018 because he didn’t want to work anymore.
My husband and I decided to finally buy a house. We moved in, and he immediately bought a refrigerator to put in his room and installed security cameras all over my house and yard (without asking). He does not keep his room clean; in fact, we can hardly walk in his room at all.
He has a refrigerator and cooks in there, using the bathroom sink to clean his dishes. He just asked to install yet another camera, and I said no because there are too many other cameras and I’m embarrassed. But they’re drilled into my siding, so I don’t want to remove them until I can find a better solution.
I’m getting to the point I can’t handle him being here with the nasty smells coming from his room, his disregard for our agreement, and blaming it on mental health. (I’m fully aware mental health is important, but stop using it as a cover to not clean and maintain normal hygiene when you’ve literally been working with a therapist for the past 10 yrs.) I’ve tried giving him tips and tricks, but he uses his health as a crutch to not do anything.
If I tell him to leave, he literally has nowhere else to go. My sister won’t take him in; she has her own family and won’t let her kids live with his mess. My kids even ask why they have chores and have to keep their room clean when he doesn’t.
I don’t know what to do. This is affecting MY mental health.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – There is absolutely no reason to have him live with you when it sounds like a pretty nightmarish experience. He sounds like he’s been living off you and your labour since you were a kid, and I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that your entire life.” Sloppypoopypoppy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Get him out of there. He’s been living with you “temporarily” for 11 years. He doesn’t have anywhere else to go because everybody else is smart enough to not allow him to live with them. Move him to a motel a good distance from you and pay the first month’s rent.
Then wash your hands of him (and clean “his” old room). Your quality of life will immediately and immeasurably improve. He’s an adult and is overdue to again live his own life. If he starts to complain to you, tell him it’s your sister’s turn.
He should negotiate with her.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“YWNTBJ. Your dad is disrespecting you, your family, and your house. You’ve tried to reason with him, but he has not made any changes and he’s most likely not going to. You say it’s taking a toll on your mental health, which makes sense and is not okay at all.
You have a child that needs you and a good environment to grow up in. You could try to set an ultimatum for your dad and tell him to either get his crap together or you’ll kick him out, but I doubt that would work out.
He is a grown man acting like a child and complaining you treat him as one. I say treat him like an adult then and let him figure his own crap out.” pastelxwh0re
12. AITJ For Being Angry At My Sister For Withholding Her Ex’s Dangerous Past?
“I am one of three sisters. One of my sisters divorced her husband 2 years ago.
He is a real jerk in many, many ways, which I don’t need to go into as they are not relevant to this post.
About a year after they separated (and mind you, whilst he had a new partner), he was arrested in relation to having a 13-year-old girl in his house in the middle of the night, and this being discovered by the girl’s dad.
He is 44, he claims he thought the girl was 17, and that she knocked at his door asking for help (apparently the dad is abusive) and he let her in. The dad came to the house, shouting and screaming, removed his daughter, and phoned the police.
Whilst I’m trying to be factual and not insert my own speculation, it is worth noting that despite my ex BIL’s story, he did not phone the police, but the police were called on him. He was arrested immediately, has had all the devices seized, and has been under investigation ever since, not allowed to return to his house because the girl is a neighbour.
The investigation is ongoing; he won’t tell my sister anything, and the police won’t because they aren’t married anymore.
This is all obviously bad enough. But my sister has only just told me that he was actually arrested and tried for something similar about 15 years ago.
He was ultimately not convicted, due in part to a lack of evidence and in part due to a technicality. I was shocked and disgusted.
I expressed to my other sister (sister B) separately that I was angry to have not been told this information, given that for many years my daughter has spent a lot of time at their house in his care, and I would’ve liked to have known this information in deciding for myself if this was an environment I was comfortable my daughter being in.
Sister B thinks I am being unreasonable in feeling angry, as she says sister A clearly thought there wasn’t a risk and would never put my child at risk, and says I’m wrong to conflate a thing involving teenagers with smaller children and that I’m overreacting.
My main issues summarised are a) grooming is a thing, b) discomfort at the thought my daughter has been around him on numerous occasions, and c) even if she rationalised not telling me then, if they had stayed together as my daughter approached teen years, would she THEN have told me?
It seems like the answer is no. Sister B says there’s no point focusing on hypotheticals, and that as my daughter was still young last time she saw him (single digits), there’s nothing to worry about.
So, am I the jerk for being angry and am I overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ insofar as you are upset and worried about your daughter being in the presence of someone who is, now, facing his second charge of possibly illegal contact with an underage minor. Depending on the legalities involved, your sister may or may not have owed you some sort of warning about her then-husband.
But as long as she was going to keep this information secret, then she failed to take steps, proactively, to ensure that your daughter was (a) never in his presence alone and (b) never in any state of undress in his presence, whether alone or in the company of someone else.
She failed on both counts. I think you are allowing various hypotheticals to live and to grow, rent free, in your mind. I can see how your other sister might think that you are overreacting. I disagree with her; I think that you are venting.
A good friend would allow you to vent; and, after you had finished, they would try to refocus you on exactly what you know. It might help you to consider another hypothetical in this very messy story: the 13-year-old might actually be living in an abusive setting, and she may have been reaching out to your ex-BIL for help.
It does not excuse whatever wrongs your ex-BIL may have committed; but this story does sound quite complicated.” Individual_Ad_9213
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. As a survivor of CSA, your approach to this is very sensible, because while your sister isn’t 100% wrong that there is a difference between being attracted to prepubescent and adolescent children, that man is still a danger, and you don’t actually know what his specific paraphilias are.
Period. And a 13-year-old is way too close to the younger end of that spectrum not to be nervous about younger children. I would also note that your concerns are warranted because at the end of the day, the sister who was married to him chose to be with a man who she knew had been inappropriately involved with an adolescent child, even before this, and chose to be in a relationship with him.
That makes her an unsafe person as well, because she either doesn’t care or is naive enough to trust a very dangerous man, and that means that you can’t trust her to safeguard your daughter in her home, no matter how loving an aunt she is.
She has already chosen to look away from his problematic behaviour. That makes her unsafe. And make no mistake about it, he is unsafe. The fact that he argued that “he thought the girl was 17” is actually a clue. If she was really a child seeking haven and help, then her age wouldn’t have mattered and the police wouldn’t be concerned. She could have been 13, 17, or 8, and if she had shown up at his door and he had taken her in AND CALLED THE COPS FOR HELP IMMEDIATELY, it wouldn’t be relevant.
But he didn’t seek help for her, and he’s acting as though hiding a 17-year-old in his house, without ever informing the authorities, is somehow better than hiding a 13-year-old. It isn’t. You are NTJ, and your judgement is very, very sound.” Sorry_I_Guess
11. AITJ For Setting Boundaries With My Overstepping Stepmom?
“I lived with my “step mom” (my late dad’s partner that I met in 2015) from February of 2021 till May of 2023. She helped me with my son after I left him and offered my son and I a room.
She had a great relationship with my son, and he adored her like a grandma.
She also dropped my son off at daycare since I had to be at work earlier than opening time. I chose a daycare by her job, so she picked him up too, since I work 10 hour shifts.
I felt like at times she overstepped her boundaries and acted like my son’s mom. Or interfered and questioned my parenting in front of him (I can’t go into details or my post will be too long). She also felt very strongly about how long my son spent in daycare.
The house also smelled very strongly of cat urine, which isn’t good to breathe in. I brushed most things off as she was letting me live in her house and loved my son more than my own family members.
In May of 2023 I got myself an apartment across town for my son and I.
My daycare lady agreed to let me drop him off earlier than opening so I could get to work. I let my step mom pick him up so the two of them could adjust to the change and still see each other. I would then pick him up from her house.
It was fine at first but then my son started throwing huge tantrums when he saw me walk in the door. I brushed it off and thought he just didn’t want to stop playing. The behavior got worse. He said mean things to me.
Referred to me by my name. Called me ugly (doesn’t hear that at daycare). He said my house wasn’t his house. Her house was. Picking him up was the worst part of my day. It was stressful and hurtful. Eventually I had enough.
I was in tears.
I texted her one day after a bad drive home after getting him. I explained what was going on and how it was affecting me and confusing him about where home is. I told her I would be picking him up from daycare from now on, and that she can see him on the weekends; we could make plans.
She never responded. I know she’s mad. She doesn’t think he should be at daycare long. And I know she loves seeing him. But I also feel that she loves the control she has over him. It’s been a week of picking my son up and he greets me with hugs and smiles.
His attitude has greatly improved all around. AITJ for making this change? AITJ for not reaching out even though she hasn’t responded?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Given the difference in your son since you cut “grandma” out, it seem reasonably clear that she was alienating him from you.
This is a change for the better and it’s good that you didn’t wait any longer.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You always always need to put your child first. The previous arrangement was making him unhappy, he was getting extremely mixed signals, and his attitude has improved since you changed the arrangement.
Clearly this was beneficial for him. Keep an eye out for future controlling behavior, however, and honestly be wary of leaving your son alone with this woman. She sounds incredibly manipulative and who knows what else she might tell him as he gets older.” SpicyTurtle38
Another User Comments:
“OP, Is your step-mom retired? It sounds like she decided that raising your son was her plan for the rest of her life and the way to meet her need for nurturing affiliation. In any event, the dynamic was not good for you or your son; his rejection of you might have been his anger at being “abandoned” with step-mom.
It is obvious that your son is much happier with you. Maintaining your boundaries needs to be a top priority. Edit to add: NTJ, step-mom is grown; she can adjust. Your son comes first!” stephnetkin
10. AITJ For Telling My BFF Her Family Has To Leave My Home?
“In February 2020, my BFF urgently called, revealing her divorce had finalized and her ex was moving out. She needed a temporary place until her new apartment was ready.
With my three-bedroom house occupied by my adult daughter, two dogs, and myself, I agreed. Unexpectedly, her “temporary stay” included her, her three kids (ages 11, 9, 5), their non-biological father (71), and a dog. Calmly, I made it work. She settled into the third bedroom with her youngest. The 2 boys and father occupied the living room, thanks to its spaciousness.
The following month, shutdowns began. Her planned apartment fell through. To assist her housing search, we established a landlord agreement, setting monthly rent at $500 — far better than her alternatives.
A year later, my daughter moved in with her partner, prompting room rearrangements: BFF & my daughter took my daughter’s old room, the boys shared a bedroom, and the father remained on the living room couches.
The ex-husband also periodically stayed over due to custody arrangements.
The BFF’s employment included sporadic DoorDash and other similar work. Her car broke down, making those jobs not doable. Thanks to her food stamps, the fridge stayed stocked, making many missed monthly rent payments easier.
Meanwhile, my health deteriorated, leading me in and out of the hospital. My BFF had free use of my truck, aiding her transportation and allowing her to support me after I lost my leg in April.
Over three years later, they are all still here, including the ex.
Last month, I requested they leave by September, well over a month’s notice, prioritizing my daughter’s well-being due to her medical and emotional struggles. This choice strained my relationship with my BFF. Despite our history of close bonding, communication dwindled; I almost did not communicate at all.
Our once-shared mornings of coffee and TV were replaced with silence.
I feel I’ve been more than generous with my home being taken over. I rarely leave my master suite. Basically, no rent. I allow her to use my truck whenever she needs it. All I ask is that she take me to an occasional appointment, which I’ve basically been doing myself since getting my prosthetic leg.
There have also been countless, not cheap, broken items and appliances that have gone unfixed or replaced.
Ultimately, I must prioritize my family’s needs. The presence of BFF’s family – six members plus her dog & belongings – is unsustainable with my daughter, myself, and our two dogs.
I feel like she just got too comfortable not paying rent and not working, and not looking for a place to raise her family. I’m also thinking that if she goes, all of their stuff will still be here for who knows how long?!
AITJ for telling my BFF that I need to prioritize my own family over hers?
Because she’s making me feel like I am.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You are not responsible for another person, especially when they have not made any strides to better their own situation. Double that when it comes down to her not respecting your home enough to fix or replace anything that she may deem broken.
There’s no reason she should not have already found employment as well as at least paying some kind of rent. Three years is a long time to have absolutely nothing to show for it. Maybe in the future they won’t expect a free ride from another adult and they will manage their time and resources a little wiser.” HobbitPotat0
Another User Comments:
“My God! You are not evicting her. You were very generous to allow all those people to stay in your house temporarily, and it turned into a three-year situation. Three years is not temporary. She’s probably bummed out right now because she’s gotten comfortable, and started feeling that this was becoming permanent.
Yes, it’s going to take up a lot of her time and energy to look for a place, and to move into it. I am sure that she will understand that this is for the best for both of you. I’m sure she’ll come around when she’s settled in her own place and realize that this current situation is not sustainable and eventually she was going to have to leave.
Just remind her how much better this will be for her to have her own place. No, you are not TA. You’re a great friend who’s having to invoke a little tough love.” dell828
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for evicting them but YTJ for letting this happen in the first place.
My mom did this to our family when I was young, she took in a single mom and her two kids, and we only had a two-bedroom house at the time, so the kids slept in the hallway. It was heck on earth until my dad finally put his foot down and said it needed to end.
Your heart was in the right place, but at the expense of your own family.” Crlady
9. AITJ For Confronting My Friend For Sabotaging Our Italian Trip With His Childish Behavior?
My (40F) husband, five friends, and I are all on holidays in Italy, celebrating my 40th birthday. We are all in our early 40s.
Anyway, last night we were on our third night of the trip, and we had been enjoying drinks and aperitivo in a beautiful bar for several hours when we decided to find somewhere to go dancing.
We walked around for about 15 mins looking for somewhere with music, but didn’t find anything, so we decided to go back to the hotel and put on some music and have some further drinks in one of our rooms instead. I even stopped at a bottle shop and bought a bottle of gin for this purpose.
My friend John (42M) was in charge of directions because he had been on the island for a couple of days longer than the rest of us. It’s a very small island that takes 15 minutes to walk all the way around, but yet we were still not at the hotel after 10 more minutes of walking.
I could tell that many of us were starting to get quiet and tired and over it, and if we didn’t get to our destination soon and have another drink and put on some music, everyone would just go to bed.
I finally said to John, “Are we taking the most direct route back?” He laughed and said, “freak no.” I explained the above, that we needed to get the momentum going, and that he should have been taking us back to the hotel, but it was clear that he had decided without consulting or telling us that we were going to keep walking around looking for a place.
I then pointed out that I was carrying a bottle of gin now and would not get in anywhere.
He then said, “You’re acting like I’m deliberately ruining the night.” I replied, “No, not deliberately, but you might do so inadvertently if you keep this up.” My tone was not angry, just conversational, but he could probably tell I was a little annoyed.
Then a couple of minutes more of walking and we realized we couldn’t see him. I tried calling; no answer. Then eventually he sent the group a message saying, “Night.” I was confused and said, “Where did you go?” And he replied, “Jadanas said I had ruined the night so I decided I had better leave you alone.” When he didn’t get an immediate reply, he followed up with, “You leaving me on read tells me everything you need to know.” Most of us were unimpressed with him throwing a tantrum over something so minor, but one of my friends thinks I was harsh.
This morning he was still frosty to me and I’m wondering if he expects me to apologise. Whereas I think he’s lucky I’m willing to overlook his childish behaviour and act as though it never happened.
So, AITJ?
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Is that his normal behavior?
Because that seems wildly overreacting to a minor disagreement. I can vaguely recall pulling crap like that – disappearing from a group after my ego got bruised – when I was a teenager. But from an adult, that’s very weird.” HoldFastO2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – okay, so the guy in charge of directions and taking you back to the hotel, purposely did NOT take you back to the hotel, and when you called him out on this he LEFT you guys and went back himself, leaving you wandering because he felt like it?
You should give that friend a piece of your mind for acting like a toddler.” cinderella3-drizella
8. AITJ For Telling My Dad To Respect My Space And Mental Health?
“I have been fighting with my dad for over a week or so.
We didn’t really interact with each other that much for over a week, and it was better for my health and mental health.
Today, he came at me, and he looked straight at me while I was making a mask. I then told him if he could please get out of my room because I didn’t want to yell or fight.
He then looked at me and he told me to go screw myself because I’m a jerk, and then he slammed the door.
When my mother came, I told her everything. She waited for my dad to come home, and then she started to scream at him.
He then lied to my mother and to my face that he didn’t tell me anything. Then my mom told him that I would never lie and asked why I would lie in the first place, and he said that I’m a psychopath and that is why.
He finally told the truth, and I will repeat what he said: “And what if I told her to screw herself? Maybe she heard it wrong.”
My mother was furious; she screamed at him and then called my sister to have a “family discussion.” They screamed at each other for 1 hour or so, and my sister and I were obligated to listen to them fighting.
My sister wasn’t able to take it anymore, so she broke into tears, and I froze. I didn’t know what to do.
I discovered that he doesn’t give a crap about me, and he also told me that I’m becoming crazy and I need to go to the mental hospital ASAP.
I pardoned my sister and myself so we could go to our rooms. My sister went to her room, and she started to cry even harder. I tried to comfort her, but she told me something that broke me. This is why I’m writing this in the first place.
She told me—and I will repeat exactly what she said—”I don’t need you to comfort me! You are slowly destroying this family! You are a really big jerk! You overreacted and look what you did! Get out!”
When I exited the room, I had my eyes full of tears.
My mother told me so many times that I’m not the jerk, but I don’t know what to think about that.
Right now, I’m writing this at 2 AM, full of tears in my eyes. I’m feeling awful. I don’t know what to do. And I want to know if I really overreacted and if I’m really the jerk.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father’s emotional mistreatment is destroying your family, not you. Your sister is afraid and in pain, and taking out her fear and pain on you, because you are a safer target—if she goes after the person responsible, your father, he will hurt her.
You are not to blame. Do get therapy or mental health care if you can, though. Not because there’s something intrinsically bad about you, but because you are being emotionally mistreated and need help to survive it and hopefully to get away. If your mother leaves your father, that is not ‘your family being destroyed,’ by the way, that is ‘your mother protecting her children, as is her job, from an abusive father.’ Please take care of yourself.
You are a good and kind person and deserve to be loved.” Katja1236
Another User Comments:
“NTJ one bit. Regardless of what you and your dad argued about before, it never means calling your daughter horrible things and yelling at you/the whole family. Your sister is just emotional rn; she probably doesn’t understand how emotionally abusive your dad is.
You aren’t ruining your family, your father is ruining the family if anything.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your dad is calling you crazy, it’s how HE feels. My mom would do the same. It’s one of these things people do to gaslight others, make them feel crazy… You need to find a way to calm down, listen to music, watch your favourite show… Tomorrow, reach out to a family member who you get along with, or a friend.
Talk it out. You are not the AH, you are their child. You just asked your father to get out of the room. Why is your father acting that way? And is there anywhere you can go for a week or two to cool off?” [deleted]
7. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Brother Move In After His Repeated Financial And Trust Issues?
“My brother (34M) is in trouble and he’s being thrown out of his apartment due to a cooking fire, but I’m (38M) extremely hesitant about moving him in with me again. Here’s why:
The last time we moved in together, he spent almost a year without employment, and even when he had employment, he lied to me about it being full-time when it was part-time at the start of that lease before he was fired from that job.
I was responsible for every bill in the house, but that’s not what made me kick him out. What caused me to give him the boot was when he moved a woman into our apartment that he’d known barely a week when he finally found full-time employment after nine months of no employment, and she stole my car after I insisted she couldn’t drive it.
A couple days before that theft, she stormed out, and I demanded he cut contact with her after she left and claimed not to want to have anything to do with him, only for her to return again. After the theft and she returned with the car, I told her I filed a police report reporting my theft, and she left for good.
That morning, I told my brother he was getting his own place, and I told him he crossed my boundaries on top of mooching off me for months. I set him up with a new apartment, and that was that. That was five years ago.
Nine years prior to that, I took him in after our mom threw him out of her apartment after a year of no employment and no enrollment in school (he was 21 at this time). He stayed with me for a year, and I begged him to look for jobs, but nothing was being done.
He finally left for the military after I insisted he couldn’t stay much longer.
Cut to this month. He has a full-time job and is going to school, but he started a kitchen fire by accident in his apartment, and he thought he had renter’s insurance.
But it turns out that he doesn’t, and the apartment complex made him responsible for paying all of the damages to the apartment. He is in no position to pay the balance owed ($3600+), and the apartment is throwing him out at the end of this month.
His best friend will not take him in. Because he is a veteran, I’m calling to see if they have housing available, but I have a feeling that will be a dead end. And he will ask to stay with me. I feel like such a jerk for feeling hesitant, but I’m afraid that he will move in with me, quit his current job, and mooch off me again.
AITJ if I tell him he can’t move in with me again?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I’m on the fence… The fact that he has a full-time job and is going to school makes me think he might have changed. Just tell him that the minute he quits his job or dumps his studies, you’re throwing him out no matter how he explains it” pippi2424
Another User Comments:
“Fool me once, it’s on you. Fool me twice, it’s on me. Fool me a third time, I’m just a glutton for punishment. Idiocy is repeating the same scenario over and over, and expecting a different outcome. You’ve given your brother a second chance and he blew it.
Do you really want to go for another round…?” Gypsyheartwanderer
Another User Comments:
“Nope, no to the moving in with you. He burned that bridge. Twice. Tell him you sympathize with him if you want, but he is not welcome to move in with you.
Don’t explain why, don’t engage in debate, don’t let him bully you. Instead of worrying if this makes you TAH, remind yourself that he is a huge jerk and not your responsibility.” Tinkerpro
6. AITJ For Saying No To My Advantage-Taking Friend's Last-Minute Visit?
“I helped a friend build a rabbit hutch for her 5 rabbits.
It took months, and every time we arranged to start at a certain time, she just woke up when I arrived or she was not even home for another hour, and she let me wait for her. The tools I brought were not taken care of and damaged, etc. (Happens always with everything you give her.)
Later she got a dog together with a random dude she found on social media. On the second day, she needed someone to dog-sit and asked me. That dog was seriously traumatized and did not even let me put on a leash to walk it.
The dog tried to bite me when I got close, and she did not even believe me, “she would never do that,” and did not come back early to help even though it would have been possible. Just before she arrived in the evening, the dog peed in our apartment.
After Christmas time, we invited our friends over for some good food and to exchange gifts. She was the one suggesting to exchange gifts after Christmas instead of before, because we were gone visiting family during the holidays. When we gave all of them their presents, no one had any presents for us.
But the others did exchange gifts with each other during the holidays. And when we mentioned the birthday of my partner just 2 weeks prior, no one congratulated her.
Then sometime later, she suddenly wanted to emigrate and begged for money. She remodeled her little car and drove off with her partner, her dog, and her 5 rabbits.
We were already sure that it would not last, and fed up with her at that point. After 1 week there, she drove back—apparently they had problems with the people they were staying at. On their way back, they turned the drive into a vacation and visited other countries that were not directly on the way back here.
After a while, I asked, and she said that they were back for almost a week and staying with a mutual friend.
Yesterday in the evening, she asked me if she could stay with us from Thursday to Sunday (and probably her partner and dog too?), and we said no.
Are we the jerk for saying no? It is just too short notice for us, and honestly, we just do not want to be taken advantage of anymore! But we still feel a bit bad because she has no place to stay. Apparently, she cannot stay with our mutual friend any longer.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She needs to realize there’s consequences to her actions…. And inactions… Good job putting your foot down.” Gabbz737
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You said it yourself. She’s a crappy advantage taking friend. Do something nice with your partner that weekend and forget about her.” Maplethtowaway
5. AITJ For Keeping My Dream Job And Home Over My Husband’s Request To Move?
“So I (21F) just got out of an argument with my husband (22M) about moving and getting new jobs. Lately, he has been hating his current job, which I fully understand because he’s treated horribly there, but he wants to move away back to where we first met in high school to maybe get a better job.
There are a few issues with this. Starting with 1, that’s where I was in foster care and where I went through years of mistreatment. So every time I see those places I get really uncomfortable because of the stress that carried through with my trauma.
However, that’s minor compared to what’s really bothering me and that’s my current job. I currently am the main provider of everything financially. I make the most and I pay the bills.
However, this past couple of months have been rough due to his current job screwing him over.
But even so, we have always made it work. But now he’s been insisting that we need to move because he doesn’t like it here.
I worked really hard for our house. It’s the only home I’ve ever had, and I have a job that I absolutely love and want to continue being a part of.
It’s literally nearly everything I could ever dream of with the kind of support and recognition I get for what I do. I’m also neurodivergent, so changes freak me out and are extremely stressful. But if I move, I won’t be able to stay at my job because it’ll be too far away.
We finally came to some form of agreement when we first talked about this, in which he would move back with his parents during the week while he worked, and then he would come home on the weekends. Now I’m not a fan of this because I’m scared to be alone, but I am doing my best to support him because I know that he feels this is what he needs.
He always told me he wanted to be the provider for our family. So the fact that he’s not and I am affects him pretty harshly. But like, I’ve tried explaining to him that I love my job and giving it up would be beyond devastating because I worked so hard for everything I have.
I really don’t want to have to give up my dream job and my house (it’s not big or anything, but it’s mine). Moving has been so traumatic in the past and I love my home. I have tried explaining this to him, but every time it feels like I’m being ignored. And tonight was the same.
I really do love him. AITJ for arguing so much with this? Like, should I just stop and let it happen regardless of how I feel about my current job? Maybe I can figure out how to make the commute each day?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- It’s concerning that his “compromise” is still moving out and leaving you alone for a majority of the week. Doesn’t sound like a compromise at all. Dude needs to understand that you being the breadwinner for this moment in time shouldn’t be emasculating him to the degree that it is.” CheezyBees
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- You’re at a job that you speak positively about. As partners, you both succeed when either succeeds. There are no guarantees. If you move and leave this job, you may find things harder instead of easier. At least at this job, you’re getting by.
To follow the partner with less prospects just doesn’t sound like the best idea.” togocann49
Another User Comments:
“The problem is that you’re talking at each other and not to each other. Neither honestly seems to care about the other’s perspective beyond how it affects them personally.
A solution has to be found one way or the other. Lest the man live at his mom’s forever instead of his wife. Which field is he in that he has no other nearby potential employers?” SmokEMcTokes
4. AITJ For Giving My Friend’s Daughter A Free Gift Without Asking?
“My (31f) friend Charlie and his wife ‘Margot’ (both 32) are staying with me for a couple of weeks of vacation. They have a daughter ‘Lily’ (7) and I have a daughter ‘Azalea’ (6).
On Saturday, Charlie asked if I would watch Lily while he and Margot went and did some sightseeing which might be boring for Lily.
I said sure but warned them I’d be taking both girls on errands with me. I explicitly told Charlie that I’d take care of any costs for the day since these activities were my choice and any costs/souvenirs were totally on me. He said that was very kind and that was it.
I didn’t really think much of it because we are both ‘alternate’ payers rather than ‘split the bill’ people, and always pick up costs for each other’s kids when on outings.
I took the girls out with me on my errands, one of which was to pick up some clothes and accessories I had ordered from a shop.
I had to try some things on, so I left the girls on the shop floor by the changing rooms with the sales assistant (whom I know very well). When I was done, I came out and the girls were playing with a couple of mini bags that the sales assistant had given them (she always gives Azalea bags or jewelry to try on while I’m changing).
The girls loved the bags and Azalea wanted to buy hers, but the sales assistant said they (the store) would like to gift them to the girls (this is not unusual, since I shop with the brand and that store quite often). I didn’t see this as a problem since they were free, and they were small bags similar to the ones the girls already had, so I said okay.
Margot was absolutely livid when she saw the bag. She said I had no right to buy her kid expensive gifts and accused me of trying to embarrass her. I told her the bag cost nothing, but she wouldn’t hear it and is saying she doesn’t want me watching Lily in the future.
Charlie said she massively overreacted and that she was probably jealous; he said she would get over it. It’s been two days and she doesn’t seem to be over it (passive-aggressive comments, sulking, pressuring Charlie to end the trip early).
I get that you’re supposed to ask before buying a kid something, but I told Charlie in advance that I might buy Lily something and he said it was okay.
Also, I didn’t even buy the bag and it’s not like I’m expecting to be reimbursed. Plus, it’s not like I could have asked them; they weren’t there. I feel like if Margot doesn’t trust me with any ad hoc decision-making, maybe I shouldn’t have been babysitting her kid for the past 7 years.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You know what I do when someone gives my kid a gift? Say thank you very much, feel glad the kid gets something they like, stop looking for offense in a nice gesture, and model some graciousness.” Bluejay_Hungry
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if the sales associate was willing to give them away for free to two children, they aren’t exactly lavish gifts. The other mom is insecure because her daughter is excited about it, and she didn’t get it for her.” tastygluecakes
Another User Comments:
“Margot has some issues, but if she doesn’t want you babysitting her daughter, then don’t. I’m confused why she didn’t just ask Lily to return it to you if she felt it wasn’t appropriate for her daughter. Maybe she doesn’t think a designer bag is appropriate for a 7 year old… IDK, I am a regular customer at a local boutique/clothing store… They haven’t given me or my daughters anything for free.
I’m going to mention this post to the owner… LOL! NTJ” Alarming_Reply_6286
3. AITJ For Telling My Partner Not To Come To Thanksgiving?
“I’m sitting in a ball of emotions right now, right before Thanksgiving, and could use some advice.
I (35M) have been with my partner “Chris” (30M) for 3 1/2 years now. We had agreed to split the holidays with our families, alternating which holiday each year.
My family lives 1 hour and a half away from us. While not far, it’s certainly not just a quick pop on over.
Unlike Chris’s family, who literally live 15 mins down the road from us. So whenever we go to my family, I usually like to try and stay an extra day or 2. This year we’re supposed to go to my family for Thanksgiving, but I’m kind of upset with Chris and don’t really want him to come anymore.
Why, you may ask? Because it feels like he prioritized himself for both holidays this year, instead of keeping himself open for Thanksgiving with my family. He had the option to have off on Friday, but chose to work a full schedule to get the holiday pay.
He had off today, the day before Thanksgiving, but he decided to do volunteer work for a non-profit, and then afterwards go to a “Thanksgiving Eve” party at his brother’s house. So not only do I not get the time I wanted with my family, I also have to leave my parents’ house sooner than I would like on Thanksgiving because Chris has to work the next day.
And I could have been understanding with all of that. But then he started telling me what Christmas was gonna look like for his family this year. He took a full week of PTO the week before Christmas and has off the whole week of Christmas.
And he wants me to go have breakfast with his parents and siblings before we go do Christmas with his whole extended family, essentially spending the whole day with them, and then celebrate his grandfather’s 80th the next day. Meanwhile, he only has time for dinner with my family and has to skip out an hour or 2 after dinner.
It just feels like he prioritized the holiday time for his family, who only live 15 mins down the road, and gave no consideration to the time with my family who actually live a distance away. I’m trying not to feel resentful about it.
He says he likes hanging out with my family and doesn’t have any issues with them.
He’s been on a family vacation with us and said he loved it. But why does it seem like he purposely tried to avoid being with my family, or is it just point blank selfishness? I don’t want to start a fight with him right before Thanksgiving.
But I’m also not feeling like he was considerate of me or my family at all.
So Reddit, WIBTJ if I told him not to come this year?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNTBJ Why does it feel like he purposely tried to avoid being with your family, you ask?
Because he DID, that’s why! He absolutely knew when Thanksgiving takes place this year. He absolutely knew it’s your family’s turn to host the two of you. But maybe it’s not about Thanksgiving. Maybe something else is going on. And you’re not going to find out unless you two sit down together and have a calm, open and honest discussion.
I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do. I’m thinking that maybe you guys need a break from each other on Thanksgiving and see how you feel afterwards.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if he knows u like to spend the extra time with ur family.
I honestly think just tell him you are staying with your family on Friday because u miss them and want to spend time with them and then let him know since he’s working he shouldn’t go. Also, be sure u actually tell him ur feelings and that u are upset he didn’t prioritize ur family’s holiday and find out why.
If it’s a pattern it needs to be dealt with. You also can say no to sacrificing your whole Christmas to his family. Maybe suggest some traditions for you two. Or if u wanna be extra petty u can tell him u will be spending the same amount of time with his family during Christmas that he is willing to spend with ur family.
But that isn’t the most mature way and prob not the best for the relationship!” Both-Enthusiasm708
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I totally get not wanting to bring that tension to dinner! Sounds really frustrating. Not sure if you’ve talked yet but you definitely should, at least to address the resentment that is clearly there.
I hope he can be open to how you’re feeling. It’s completely understandable. No question. The hardest part might be tabling the resentment for a second to have this conversation with an open mind and hear why he didn’t consider what your needs might be.
You might learn something about how he sees the relationship OR maybe if he talks through it he’ll understand where he went wrong. There’s a way through this, but it sounds like if it goes unprocessed by both of you it’ll poison the whole holiday season.” [deleted]
2. AITJ For Considering Backing Out Of My Best Friend's Wedding Due To Lifestyle Differences?
“I (32f) have been friends with Danielle since kindergarten. Growing up, we did everything together, you could say we basically lived with each other. 2 houses down from your best friend in the 90s was absolute bliss! Shout out to any of my elder millennials, lol.
Growing up, we had much different lifestyles, hers more family focused, mine more independent. We had vastly different friend groups outside of each other, but we spent the most amount of time together. Ultimately, we were different people who chose to live much different lifestyles as adults.
My husband and I chose not to have children and had a very small gathering of immediate family at our wedding. My husband and I have also moved across the country numerous times and regularly road trip around the country. My best friend, on the other hand, finds joy surrounding herself with small children and family functions on the weekends.
Recently, my husband and I have moved back to the area, and I have attempted to rekindle my friendship with my longtime friend, and wished for us to have the same kind of friendship; but unfortunately, our lives are so different that we hardly have much in common anymore.
Sometimes, I feel discounted by her for the choices that I’ve made, like my non traditional wedding and choice not to have children. She makes comments about my lifestyle and thinks I live an “unrealistic life” because we take random trips, concerts, and sometimes have spontaneous drinks with friends at 9pm on a Wednesday.
We love our lifestyle, and she has made numerous comments in front of others about our “not real” jobs and doesn’t understand why we work the hours we work and thinks we’re less for what we do.
Fast forward to wedding time. It all started going really downhill when she got engaged. Naturally, she asked me to be a bridesmaid and I said yes—thinking we’d had a few okay hang out sessions since being back in town—but then began the endless photos, surveys, and planning that went into her engagement party, which felt more like a family cookout at the local VFW campground.
So far in total, I’ve spent more money on events, gifts, and special attire for these events than I spent on my own wedding in total.
The wedding planning has been 2 years of nonstop hearing about it and attending almost bi-monthly events for it.
She has done nothing else but talk about and plan this wedding for 2 years. I’m exhausted and want no part of it anymore. There is nothing about this day that I am excited for, and the thought of having to get up at 6am for a 4pm wedding start is absurd.
Her wedding is in a month and I’m thinking of backing out. Am I the jerk for not sucking it up and going?”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. You just sound fatigued of all the wedding planning and events (and who can blame you at this point!) but to back out would be the jerk move.
It just sounds like you didn’t know what you were committing to when she asked you to be a bridesmaid. The lifestyle differences really shouldn’t make that big of a difference as to whether you are a bridesmaid or not.” ProverbialWetBlanket
Another User Comments:
“This sucks, but one month out, yes, I think YWBTJ for backing out.
A few months ago I would have felt differently, but a wedding that took two years to plan is going to be thrown completely out of orbit by a bridesmaid backing out with only a few weeks left. Unless she becomes a complete bridezilla, suck it up, wear the dress you’ve probably already paid for, and get through the day.
You can reconsider your friendship after.” Bubbly_Chicken_9358
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ: In part toward yourself. You’ve made it this far, just cross the finish line for your own sake. Backing out now will not only upset many people but will likely break your friendship.
With the wedding over, she might turn back into someone you want to be friends with. It’s so late in the game, don’t back out now. What you could do, however, is make it clear you will arrive no earlier than 9am for a 4pm wedding.” BaltimoreBadger23
1. AITJ For Replacing My Grandma's Ashes With Sand To Honor Her Wishes?
“I’m a 19-year-old male, my first language isn’t English, so I apologize for any mistakes. I’ve always been close to my grandma. I was almost always at her house, sitting on the couch watching some odd cable show.
While my family has always complained about this, I never saw anything wrong with it. To be completely honest I enjoyed spending time at her house more than I did at my own (I have 3 sisters and 1 brother. The girls are 14, 14, and 12, and my brother is 27), so it was always incredibly loud.
Well, unfortunately, around 7 months ago my grandmother passed away from old age (she was 98, although she always insisted she felt 20). She said she didn’t want to be buried when she died; instead, she wanted to be cremated and brought to her favorite beach (the beach she met my grandfather at).
So my family did cremate her but failed to spread her ashes where she wanted them to be. Instead, they kept them in an urn on the bookshelf in the living room.
I have spent so much time trying to talk to my parents about how this isn’t fair to her and isn’t what she wanted at all.
Her reasoning for wanting to be cremated and brought to the ocean instead of being buried is that she didn’t want to be stuck in one place forever, even after death. Every conversation where that came up ended in a screaming match between the three of us.
About a month ago I decided I was fed up with this and I was going to fulfill my grandma’s wishes of being with the ocean. Around 2 in the morning, I slid down the stairs, grabbed the urn, and drove to the beach where she always wanted to be.
(It’s about a 3-and-a-half-hour drive just to get there.) After spreading her ashes in the ocean, I filled the bag inside of the urn that was originally for the ashes with sand. I only did this in fear that my mother or someone else would pick it up and realize it’s empty.
Well, 2 days ago my mother told the family she was going to send the ashes to a resin artist to create jewelry pieces with them. The second she opened the urn, she realized it was sand instead of ashes. She started screaming at me, asking me what I did with them, and I told her the truth.
I’ve been given till Sunday to “pack my crap and leave.” I’m going to stay at my friend’s house until I have a solid plan. For now, no one in my family is talking to me, and I hope maybe one day things will change, but we’ll see where life takes me.”
Another User Comments:
“A gentle YTJ. I recognize that you were focused on fulfilling your grandma’s wishes and that this was part of your grief. However, the unwillingness to let go of her ashes was likely part of your mom’s grief, and she wasn’t ready to let go yet, and it sounds like she’s only just now reaching the point where she’s ready to address that in any way.
She wanted a piece of your grandma to carry around with her, and you took that away from her. You may be the grandchild, but I’m assuming she’s the actual child. This is her MOTHER, who you tossed away on a beach without telling anyone, meaning she has now lost her mom all over again.
Your intentions were good, but the result of your actions was cruel regardless of your intention.” polychromatic3
Another User Comments:
“YTJ…while your intentions and heart was in the right place, you went about it all wrong!! You took away something from your mother that was near and dear to her.
Maybe in her grieving process she was not in a place where she could let go of her mother completely. Maybe instead of screaming, had you waited, this would have been a perfect opportunity to come up with a compromise. When your mother would have gotten jewelry made, you could have asked for some of the ashes to be given to you to put in the ocean, or you could’ve taken your piece of jewelry and put it in the ocean.
You acted a little selfishly or with a pigeonhole mind of teenage angst, unfortunately.” No-Kale3800
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It wasn’t up to you to decide what happened to her ashes. If they were going to be spread somewhere, the family should have been there for that.
Just because you were close to her doesn’t mean other people didn’t have their own memories of her, their own relationships with her. Yours doesn’t trump theirs, and by spreading her ashes by yourself you took away their last opportunity to say goodbye.
It was selfish. And just because she told you she wanted her ashes spread there doesn’t mean she told anyone else. She might have had different ideas at different times in her life. This should have been a family decision. You don’t get to make it and carry it out by yourself.” Crazy-Perspective-32
