People Try To Bounce Back From These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
23. AITJ For Asking My Neighbor To Move His Trees Off My Property?
“A few months ago, my neighbor approached us and expressed his desire to plant a row of fir trees between our yards. We voiced some concerns, especially about the area closer to our house where it’s dark, we have difficulty growing grass, and we intended to plant something smaller in our bed there.
These trees will grow quite large and wide, and they are not what we had envisioned for our yard. However, our neighbor reassured us that they would be planted on his property, and since he wasn’t asking for any financial contribution, we agreed.
We were working from home when the landscapers were planting the trees.
We briefly went out to observe the progress and noticed that the holes were large, but it was challenging to determine where the trees would eventually be. However, once they were fully planted, we realized that several of the trees seemed to encroach on our property, particularly in the areas we had concerns about.
We promptly communicated our concerns to our neighbor. He was open to relocating some of the trees and wanted to know which ones and where. Since we weren’t sure about the exact property line, we suggested getting a survey for better clarity. He requested we do this as soon as possible because it was late autumn, and he wanted to relocate the trees before it got too cold.
We immediately contacted a surveyor, but due to their schedule, it was a month before we received the final survey report, which cost us over $3000. The survey revealed that out of 12 new trees, six were on our property (the tree trunks are solidly on our land), four are right on the line, and one is very close with branches significantly growing onto our property.
Only one is entirely on his land.
We sent him the plot plan and requested him to remove all 11 trees planted on, or growing onto our property. As expected, he was upset by our request and the timing of it (why didn’t we tell him sooner, he will have to pay twice, we are terrible people, he’s going to put up a fence, etc.) So, am I the jerk for asking him to move his trees entirely to his side of the property line, especially in the cases where the trunks might be right on the line?
We are considering offering to pay for half of the removal costs, but we really don’t want the trees on our land.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your neighbor has absolutely no right to intrude on your property. The replanting of the trees illegally planted is his problem; you should not even think about paying one cent.
The trees should be far enough away from the property line such that the trunks do not breach the property line over the years as the trees mature. You’re going to have an ongoing problem with branches and leaves in future years.” ArtShapiro
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. He should have had a survey done before planting, especially since he knew you didn’t want them on your land. He’s now just blaming you for his being short-sighted or trying to save money. We have over 100 ~50 ft cypress trees that rim our backyard.
We didn’t plant them, and we’re actually not sure whose land some of them are on. But we care for them and pay to fertilize them since it was the previous owner of our house who planted them. Unfortunately, all the cypress trees in our area have a communicable disease and are slowly dying.
When we replace them (with a different type, of course), we will absolutely get the survey done and plant well within our property line so there is no question going forward. It’s the only way to be sure. Honestly, as a property owner, he should have known better, and you’ve done nothing wrong.” CheckIntelligent7828
22. AITJ For Using Morning Alarms That Disturb My Sister's Sleep?
“I [26M] am currently in an ongoing disagreement with my sister [28F] about my morning alarm(s).
It’s also worth noting that we’re all living with my parents temporarily due to some minor financial issues.
My sister works night shifts at her job, 6:30 pm-3 am I believe, so she’s normally awake at night while everyone else (3 other family members) sleeps and vice-versa.
She also makes no effort to keep her noise levels down when returning home from work or on days off, so my other sibling and I often get woken up in the middle of the night by her. I should also mention that her working night shifts is optional at her workplace (which she’s told me) and she only takes them because she earns an extra $1.50 an hour.
I work pretty early in the morning and have to be awake by 6am to make it to work on time at 7am. I have two alarms to help me wake up in the mornings. One is set to 5:30am and the other set for 6am in case I sleep through the first one.
My sister has recently been getting upset with me because I “let my alarms go off all morning,” which disrupts her sleep. I have them set to NOT snooze or repeat and they only go off for a minute or so before turning back off.
I realized the issue is that on iPhones there’s a bug where if you call someone’s phone while an alarm is going off, it’ll TEMPORARILY disable the alarm as though you hit the snooze button. The second my alarm goes of, she’ll start calling my phone repeatedly, causing it to “snooze” via the exploit, and go off again 10 minutes later, and repeat.
I originally had my alarm volume maxed out and used like 3-4 more alarms than I do now before the disagreement started but I’ve tried compromising with her by turning the volume down halfway and getting rid of all but those two alarms. She won’t accept the compromise though and demands that I stop using alarms entirely.
I realize night shifts can be pretty rough sleep-wise and that I may be the jerk for keeping her awake with my two alarms, but I also feel like, since she’s the only one in the family doing these shifts, I shouldn’t have to completely disrupt and rework MY sleep schedule which is already pretty messed up from her noisiness and constantly disabling my alarms with that exploit just so she can get her sleep while I miss out on mine.
AITJ for using morning alarms that keep my sister awake?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your sister’s solution is for you not to use any alarms at all, then how does she suggest you wake up in the morning? A single alarm with a backup alarm is perfectly reasonable.
If that’s too much for her, maybe tell her about this magical invention called ear plugs.” StrangelyRational
Another User Comments:
“Clearly NTJ. She is acting entitled, wants you to resolve everything around her sleep schedule and night shifts while she is not paying any consideration when coming home.
Maybe turn the iPhone in airplane mode while you are asleep? So she can’t call you when your alarm goes off?” Robboe0815_
21. AITJ For Insisting My Partner Ask Her Work To Reimburse For Missed Broadway Show?
“A few months ago, I purchased tickets to watch a renowned screen actor perform in a Broadway play for myself (40M) and my long-term partner (38F).
I spent a little extra to get seats (close to) front and center as we were thrilled to see this actor perform live.
With a few weeks to go, she has been informed that she has to travel for work over that weekend. When I looked into exchanging the tickets for another day, I discovered that the prices for the shows later in the run are significantly higher; there are no tickets left at the price I paid, and the minimum we’d be looking to pay is 20% more, another $50 overall, and that would be for seats near the back.
Comparable seats are 60% more than we paid, or more.
I firmly believe that her work should accept an expense claim to pay what it costs us – within reason – to rebook for another day so we have a comparable experience to what I paid for.
I also feel very strongly that if I were to go alone on the original day and failed to sell her ticket (which is likely as single tickets don’t sell well), they should absolutely pay the $125 for her unused ticket. As it happens, these would be fairly similar amounts anyway, so they might as well pay for us to rebook comparable seats so she can see the play too as we’d originally planned.
However, for whatever reason, she doesn’t think it’s reasonable to expect her work to pay like $150 or more so we can rebook comparable seats, especially when we could rebook less expensive seats for $50, and so isn’t comfortable asking them to do so. But she isn’t even prepared to ask them to cover the *minimum* rebooking cost; she says she doesn’t mind absorbing this extra expense herself, but honestly this really irritates me and would still mean that I paid extra for premium tickets and we both end up with a budget experience, in fact it’s only because I paid for premium seats that we have enough credit that rebooking less expensive seats now is an amount she says she’s happy to pay.
I want to be sympathetic to the fact she feels uncomfortable asking for any reimbursement, but I can’t help but be annoyed that she thinks this way, that it’s fair for an employer to cause and then not cover such costs. AITJ for making it clear that I’m upset at her for not asserting her rights, even though she doesn’t even see it that way and is uncomfortable doing so?”
Another User Comments:
“LMAO. I agree with you in principle, but there is no way on earth that they are going to reimburse her for the cost and I would not bother asking either if I was her. Her options were to tell them ‘no’ when they told her to go on the work trip, or deal with it.
She chose the second option. Exactly what ‘rights’ do you think she has here? There is no right not to be sent on work trips at inconvenient times. YTJ for trying to tell her how her job works.” kamahaoma
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you are pushing her to do something that could very well make her look bad at work.
I travel for work and no one on my team gets that kind of compensation. She knows her workplace norms better than you. The better conversation to have is whether a job that doesn’t allow her to decline work travel due to conflicts is the best fit for her long term.
If she genuinely likes this job, so much so that cancelling personal plans even at a loss isn’t a problem to her, that might be good for you to take into account as far as compatibility. Or she may actually dislike it but not have realized yet that she needs a long term plan for a different work culture.
But let the tickets go. I doubt she’ll get the money and asking might cost her good will on top of it. ” SnooPets8873
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your job is not responsible for things you miss in your personal life. She has the option of telling them she can’t go because she has other plans and suffer the consequences of that.
Or she goes to work because she thinks she has no other choice but then suffers the consequences of that. No one’s job is going to reimburse them for theater tickets or things that they miss in their real lives.” keesouth
20. AITJ For Not Telling My Ex-Wife About My Cross-Dressing Habit?
“I was married to my partner for 10 years, together for 4 years before that. We have a teenage daughter together.
We have been divorced for over 10 years. In that time, I have come to terms with parts of myself that I had suppressed and denied previously. One of those things is that I enjoy cross-dressing. I am not interested in transitioning, though full gender reversal play does sometimes occur.
I have just always been fascinated with stockings, silk, lace, high heels, etc.
My earliest recollections of doing this are pre-pubescent, and I went through cycles of binge and purge, and it was something I always had great shame over. There were times during our marriage where I would wear her clothes if she was gone, but then I’d sink into depression and self-loathing afterwards.
After our divorce, I met some people who were supportive of this activity, and I came to embrace it, free from shame. To the point where I had a partner for a year who encouraged and participated in the activity with me; shopping for me, doing my makeup, etc.
Well, that relationship ended very badly, and she decided to call my ex-partner and inform her of my proclivities (a conversation my teenage daughter overheard). My ex-partner told me of this phone call and I sincerely apologized that she was harassed like that, and told her I’d be filing charges (as this was a violation of the restraining order I had taken against the ex-partner).
I confessed that yes, I do cross-dress, it is something that had been repressed and buried in shame for decades, but it was a private part of my life, and I apologized that she had to find out, and that she was harassed by this person.
Her take on it was that she deserved to know this about the man she married, I should have told her before we married. She has been standoffish and rude since then (we typically co-parent very civilly and often do things together, her, my daughter, and me).
I can understand her being upset and feeling like I should have told her. I tried to explain that I denied this to myself for decades, and the shame I felt about it. Me being a cross-dresser had no impact on our marriage or the dissolution thereof.
She won’t let me discuss it with her, and also says I should basically tell all of my friends and family so she doesn’t feel like she is hiding this secret for me (she doesn’t communicate with any of them).
I don’t know how to correct or improve things with her, and she is the mother of my child so it is important to me to do so.
Not sure if this is the right forum but she has certainly made me feel like I am the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Reinforced shame is powerful. There is an odd deep burning in you; it is the feeling that it’s wrong but it feels right.
It’s an internal struggle between who you are and what you’re supposed to be. Should you have told her before or during marriage? Perhaps. But it’s done and there’s no changing the past. Do you need to tell your friends and family? Why? So they can judge and shame you?
It’s none of their business or hers now that you’re divorced.” nikkesen
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This whole post reminds me of my grandfather. I’ve known about it for 17 years now, but the rest of my family (his sons and his other grandchildren) were not aware.
My grandmother passed in 2021 and it opened up something in him, he said it made him feel closer to her, to wear her clothes. My uncle who lives with him rented a dumpster and threw all of her belongings away. My mother, who told me about it when I was 13 was awful about it at first. “What if someone I know sees him” the whole selfish aspect, until my sister and I explained if anyone she knows finds out and judges him, they’re not people she needs in her life.
He also just loves the feelings of stockings and silk on his body. You shouldn’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Cheers to you for no longer suppressing that.” Euphoric_Celery_
19. AITJ For Not Asking Permission To Shower In My Own Apartment?
“Three of us live in a small 3-bedroom, 1-bathroom apartment. One roommate moved in after the two guys. We will call her Stacy. Stacy likes to immediately bombard you with all of her life issues the second you walk in the door after you spend 12 hours at work.
Stacy hasn’t had a real job the entire time living here, so she makes a mess of the house all day staying home. Stacy also likes to take your dog out on hikes without a leash and without asking permission or even informing you beforehand.
Stacy’s dog gets dominant and aggressive with me and my dog every time we leave our room or enter the house, despite us never being antagonistic and living here longer. Stacy has had at least one emotional meltdown where she projects her insecurities onto the other roommates.
Stacy bought tickets to go to Ecuador because she “can’t afford to live here”… I wonder why (our rent is only $650 a month in a big city). I’m clearly not a fan of Stacy or her unpleasant dog.
Anyway, Stacy knowingly brought a cold into the house and only decided to say so after I got sick.
I’ve been in bed for the last 48 hours straight because of this cold and have only managed to keep down two packs of oatmeal. I have the cold sweats and shivers. I decide to take a hot shower (probably 20 minutes) to open my sinuses, warm up, and try to relax.
Later on in the day, Stacy says to me, “Oh yeah, I had diarrhea when you went and took a shower so I went to a coffee shop to use their bathroom.” I just say, “Oof, darn.” In response (because why the heck do I need to know that 3 hours later, Stacy) and then let my dog out to go to the bathroom.
When I walk back in she has a noticeable shift in attitude and says, “I probably could’ve said that better but if you are going to take a shower I would like if you asked.” To which I reply, “Sure, you can also knock and I’ll come out and let you do your thing.”
She knew she was moving into a 1 BA house. No one has ever asked anyone else permission to take a shower before (or the baths she takes). And she didn’t need to go drive to a coffee shop if she would’ve knocked like a big girl.
She felt comfortable enough telling me she had diarrhea without provocation so I don’t understand why she would feel uncomfortable knocking? Am I the jerk for not asking permission to shower?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Let me get this straight: She wants YOU to ask her for permission to take a shower but SHE takes your dog out for a hike without asking for your permission?
She needs to clean up after herself and stop taking your dog out without asking you first. You could report your dog stolen with her as the thief. You guys could have her evicted. She sounds like she needs to be sent packing for Ecuador.
Soon.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You were there before her. She does not have a monopoly on the shower. She knows what she was moving into. If you want to encourage her departure, stop walking on eggshells around her and playing her games. Run the clock till she goes to Ecuador and leaves your lives.
Oh, and get your dog chipped if you haven’t yet, Stacy might find more perceived slights and start to retaliate.” sn34kypete
Another User Comments:
“Stacy has main character energy. If she hasn’t got a job, how is she paying rent/getting a ticket to Ecuador?
If she isn’t contributing, she doesn’t have much say in what goes on, you also don’t need to ask permission to use the facilities you’re paying for. NTJ” doihavetousethis
18. AITJ For Not Being Able To Attend My Sister's Wedding Due To Newborn And Financial Struggles?
“Here’s some context to help understand the situation. I (f28) just had a baby four months ago, and it’s been so time-consuming, especially now that my partner and I decided for me to be a stay-at-home mom while he works to provide for the family.
His job pays more, and we can’t afford daycare, nor do we want to be absent in our baby’s growth and development.
My sister (f29) has been in a relationship with her fiancée for about five years now. They finally got engaged three months after I got married. There was never a set day for the wedding then.
It wasn’t until a month or two after giving birth did she decide she was going to have a wedding this year. She and I always talked about how we were going to do so much planning together and what we would decide, but ever since I had my baby, I’ve been absent and preoccupied with my own family.
I think she started resenting me when she had to change her wedding venue to the states after I told her I couldn’t just take my newborn son out of the country until after a couple of years, plus we needed to get our finances in order.
Having a baby required a lot of resources, plus we decided to upgrade to a newer, safer car two months before I gave birth. And we would have to find a sitter for our three animals. Two cats and one dog. Which would require resources.
On top of missing a week’s worth of pay, because she wanted everyone in attendance to stay a week. A round trip ticket and hotel fees…
She sent me a message this morning complaining how she could never get ahold of me anymore as I wasn’t answering the phone whenever she calls or texts.
I then sent her a message apologizing, telling her after my father-in-law passed, my partner has been depressed and grieving, so I was picking up a lot of slack from his part with the baby in order to be supportive. Also, he has less than two weeks left of classes before getting his bachelor’s, and we have to move out the day after graduation.
She responded with anger, started yelling at me, and told me repeatedly not to come to attend her wedding for treating her wedding as irrelevant.
How could I have given my response better to get her understanding without the misconstrued idea her wedding is irrelevant?
How do I respond without or fix the situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have explained until you’re blue in the face. She’s having a hard time accepting it, but you need not keep explaining. I’m sure she must have a friend to help her.
Your life is full and busy, and it will continue to be so for a very long time. There is nothing you can do or say to fix it because you haven’t done anything wrong.” ToastetteEgg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can only control your response.
All of what you’ve explained is reasonable, and a mature adult who knows how to regulate their own emotions would understand completely. You have major commitments and responsibilities that take priority to her wedding planning and calls, it’s just reality. I’m sorry I haven’t been available to answer calls.
I’m sorry you are feeling like I’m not happy for you/helping enough/interested. I’m sorry my family and financial situation doesn’t allow me to travel as you wanted. How can I support you? Go from there. Plan a time to talk when my partner can watch the baby.
Send her notes/cards. Make an effort as you can. If it’s not enough for her, you at least know you’ve tried your best. Some brides get crazy. If she does, let her. Live your own life and enjoy this season in your family.” Antelope_31
Another User Comments:
“I would tell her the above and ‘Also he has less than two weeks left of classes before getting his bachelor’s, and we have to move out the day after graduation.’ Follow up with: we need two or so weeks to settle down at the new place.
After that, I can help you with the wedding. You need to settle in. Reading the description of your family, I can understand why she feels abandoned. But she has to come to terms with the fact that the day has 24 hours, and you are currently working those 24 hours to get stuff done.
NTJ/No jerks here” Proper_Sense_1488
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend Our Friend's Wedding After Being Uninvited Then Reinvited?
“I’m not so much posing this question for myself, but for my entire friend group (there are about 9 of us in total).
One of our friends is engaged and getting married in the coming months – we were all very happy for her and were excited to attend as she’s the first one of us to get engaged. All of us were invited to her engagement party, and naturally expected that we’d be receiving invitations in due course.
However, about a year ago, our friend informed us that none of the group were actually invited to the wedding and she hoped we wouldn’t be upset because she had decided on an intimate wedding with just close friends and family. Personally, I wasn’t too offended by this as I certainly wasn’t the closest with her out of everyone in the group as we live quite far apart, but several of our other friends were very upset as they had spoken for years about being bridesmaids at each other’s weddings and one of them was likely (we all thought) to be the maid of honour.
But instead she’d had a change of heart, and seemingly had no intention of telling us this before the wedding as it only came up when one friend asked if the invitations had been sent out yet. They’re not having a destination wedding, and in fact the wedding is taking place in our home state so there’s no logistical reason why they might have changed their mind.
But anyway, our other friends were sad about it for a while but eventually accepted it.
However, a few months ago, our engaged friend then came back to the group saying we were actually all invited to the wedding breakfast (Edit: the wedding reception) and that we’d all misread what she said and that we weren’t uninvited at all.
We were all confused by this and felt a little like we were a second option and were only being included because others had dropped out. It left a sour taste in everyone’s mouths and generally the group has decided they don’t want to attend now.
I feel bad because I feel like this girl might not have many people representing her side at the wedding now, but I also don’t want to go alone as I don’t know anyone on the groom’s side and I feel like my friends do have a point given they’d been led to believe since the engagement that they’d be involved in the wedding, before being told they weren’t and then being told they were.
Are we the jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“Actions have consequences and the bride seems to have been caught in a situation where the people she THOUGHT she wanted bailed on her. You ladies are the second team of friends. When one of my sisters got married she decided to ask all of her ‘friends’ to be her BM’s.
Well turns out she has no real friends and by then she had alienated our two other sisters and the two SIL’s (my wife being one). She ended up having an extremely small wedding because no one wanted to spend an afternoon at the wedding.
This seems to be a similar situation. NTJ.” GirlDad2023_
Another User Comments:
“Hmm? Is there something more than the wedding breakfast? Why specifying the wedding breakfast that makes it sound like you are only invited to the breakfast? There is a simple rule, treat others the way you want to be treated!!!
She didn’t value her friends or at least didn’t make them her priority so there is no need to make her your priority.” TRACYOLIVIA14
Another User Comments:
“Nope. You are not required to attend anyone’s wedding (except your own). If she sends an invitation to the event just RSVP no. You don’t have to explain why.
If she calls to ask why you aren’t coming, tell her you are sorry to get missing her special day and you wish her well. You don’t have to explain a no. You and the rest of the group should plan to do something fun the weekend of the wedding.” Tinkerpro
16. AITJ For Refusing To Help With My Fiancé's Grandchild In The Mornings?
“My fiancé and I have somewhat of a hectic schedule in the morning. I am a teacher and not a morning person, and I need to leave at around 7AM. My fiancé takes her daughter to high school because she doesn’t want to take the bus in the mornings (she takes the bus home in the afternoon because nobody is available to pick her up).
Our son needs to be taken to school for 8, and my fiancé reports to work for 8:30.
Just under a month ago, my fiancé’s oldest daughter, who lives across the country, ended her relationship with her partner and met a guy online. She moved to a new state to be with him.
The only problem is that they had an almost 2-year-old, and the daughter didn’t want to bring her toddler into this relatively unknown situation. She asked my fiancé (the toddler’s grandmother) if she could take her for a couple of months so she could get settled.
From the start, I said this was a terrible idea and did not support it. My fiancé wanted to make it work because, in her granddaughter’s almost 2 years of life, she had seen her for like a weekend and wanted to spend some time with her.
I said I would not take responsibility as I am the primary caretaker of the two dogs that we own, take our son to and from gymnastics three times a week and basketball practice once a week.
Her sister (who lives in the town where I teach) homeschools her children and offered to watch the baby on weekdays.
My fiancé literally works in the other direction, so I said I would bring her on the way to work as long as the baby was dressed, fed, diaper bag packed, etc. It has been working okay until this morning, my fiancé was stressed out trying to get ready for the day, and I was getting ready to leave for work, and she asked for help getting the toddler ready.
I was very blunt and said something along the lines of “I am never going to help you get her ready. You signed up for this. You knew the terms.”
She was very upset and called me names. I just carried my stuff and the diaper bag to my car and opened the door for her to put the baby in.
I took the baby to her sister’s and got on with my day. Am I the jerk for refusing to help with the baby in the mornings?”
Another User Comments:
“I am often at school by 7:15 most days. No way I could reasonably add a toddler to my morning routine.
Anyone with a baby has to manage their baby for grief’s sake. You are not Hercules. You have a filled plate. And even if your fiancé doesn’t want to reject this proposition – she has to see how this chaos isn’t reasonable? NTJ. Sometimes adult children want unrealistic things of us, and they have to be told, ‘No. Sorry.
That won’t work for me.’ And your eldest knew she had a baby before she decided to move house. If she can’t manage her baby while she moves house, how is that remotely supportable to your fiancé? ‘This is ridiculous. Where are we going to get another pair of hands, eyes and ears to manage so our oldest child doesn’t have to adult like everybody else?
I can’t figure out whether you are indulging her at our expense or indulging yourself at our expense?'” AndSoItGoes24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You made yourself perfectly clear. You even still did what you agreed to do with driving the kid to her sister’s.
She didn’t take your feelings for the matter into consideration or that of your children’s who are still at home with you. She unilaterally made the decision for the family. I feel bad for the kid too. None of this is her fault either.
I hope everyone in the house understands this, especially your own kids. Check in on them. Your wife is kind of a jerk for doing this to her family. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. She chose those on her own. You should still find a time to talk this out with each other.
If she refuses to listen, maybe think about some counseling for the two of you to learn to be PARTNERS. It will make life so much easier for you both. Good luck!” Lionhearted1972
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, technically you told her the ‘terms’, but this is a grown-up relationship, and it sounds like you care more about being right than being kind.
The whole situation sounds like a mess, and I can’t fathom the mom leaving her two-year-old behind. It must be really hard for your fiancé, and my heart breaks for her that her partner is making things worse rather than better. YTJ” 103cuttlefish
15. AITJ For Asking My Roommate To Stop Disrupting Our Sleep Over Her Deceased Horse?
“I have been sharing a living space with my (19f) college roommate, “Allie” (19f) for about a month now. Allie’s horse back at home passed away about 3 days ago, and I constantly wake up due to her taking phone calls at odd hours.
The first night, I woke up at 4 am because she was loudly sobbing on the phone, and when I needed to take a nap later in the day (because of this), she came in (when she knew I was sleeping) to take a phone call again.
Once again, she was sobbing on this call and woke me up. My other suitemates hear this too and are upset as well.
At the time, I did not know the context of this situation. She explained it as “family stuff”, so I had assumed it was something with her parents or a serious loss in the family.
I asked one of her friends and she told me it was because her horse at home passed away.
When I brought this up, Allie said she gets calls out of nowhere and can’t just “leave”, but then said “sorry”. She immediately went into the bed and took a phone call, right after I asked her not to.
I told her that she needs to stop disrupting our sleep and making it everyone else’s issue, because it’s not our problem that her horse passed away. She was very upset, but continued making the phone call. Allie continues to make phone calls while I am in the room and doesn’t even react to me getting up, making noise, and being clearly disturbed by her calls.
These happen at all hours of the day because she doesn’t really leave or go to class. The only time she’ll leave the room is when I bring one of my close loved ones over.
I think I could be the jerk because she’s clearly upset and may not have another space to talk to her loved ones.
I get that she’s upset, I really do. I have a kitten at home who I adore and would be very upset if anything happened to her. At the same time, these calls begin taking place when I’m ALREADY ASLEEP. It’s not like I could simply get up and leave the room.
The constant disregard of our shared living space is really getting on my nerves. I believe Allie should have the common sense that some of us aren’t going to be sympathetic to her disrupting our living situation because of a horse.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re not telling her to get over it, you’re asking if she can take her phone calls somewhere else when you’re sleeping.
That’s just common courtesy regardless of the subject of the conversation particularly when it’s not breaking news. Maybe you didn’t have to word it as “not your problem” but you had already asked her several times to be more considerate about the calls.” shelovescompletely
Another User Comments:
“Time to get the college involved, she is effectively bugging your room so her creepy partner can listen to all of you. That is the primary problem, the secondary one is her dealing with her grief by making you all deal with it along with her.
Most colleges have free mental health services. I am saying this as a person who has leased several horses for over the years, I understand the attachment. Our current one we have had 6 years, we would be devastated if he passed but wouldn’t make it anyone else’s issue to deal with.” Mereadsalot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The first two nights of that, fine stuff happens, but 3-4 days in a row? She’s dragging it now. And I’m not saying pets aren’t family, but it comes a point where you gotta think about the people around you.
Also why are people calling her late at night what is that about?” Fetagirl
14. AITJ For Assuming My Parents Would Pay For My Birthday Dinner?
“I’ve (26F) held various jobs since I was 17 and saved quite a lot of money. After earning my bachelor’s degree at university, I began working, but my field won’t allow me to engage in research work without a master’s degree. So, after three years of hard work and realizing that I couldn’t get a job I liked because I didn’t have a master’s degree, I decided to pursue a master’s at university.
I have to travel for three hours in total to reach my university. This means that I’ll be away from home from 6:45 a.m. until approximately 18:30. Fortunately, in my country, every student gets a rent-free loan, which means that I will have some money to live on, but it’s not enough.
So, I need to use my savings. According to my calculations, all my savings will be depleted in 2.5 years, and my master’s degree will take three years. Additionally, I just moved to a new house with my partner; my mom is the house owner, and we both pay rent to her.
The rent is higher than my last apartment, but this is our only chance to live together due to the housing problem.
My parents approved my decision to return to university. Now my dilemma: yesterday, I spoke to my parents on the phone. My birthday is coming, and I asked in a family chat if we (parents, me, partner, best friend for 20 years) could go out for dinner for my birthday.
My brother couldn’t be there, but he said he didn’t mind and we would go out some other time. My dad responded with “of course, it’s your birthday so you choose :)”
Then, yesterday on the phone, I talked about the dinner (not fancy, but nice), and my mom said, “it’s on your treat, right?”.
I kind of broke down and said I’m under so much stress about money, that I have to put all my savings of the past 10 years into these studies, and because they know this, I assumed that they would pay.
It’s been a long time since my dad got so freaking angry.
He said that I was always after his money and that I am too immature to own/rent my own house. He continued that since I’m turning 27, I am old enough to know that you cannot assume you will “receive” something just for a birthday and that I’m old enough to treat my parents to a dinner for my birthday.
He added that there’s something wrong with my morals because I invited them for dinner and then asked them to pay. He concluded by saying that I cannot see things from their perspective, or anyone else’s perspective, and that I am only thinking from my perspective.
AITJ for assuming my parents would pay for my birthday dinner of five people?”
Another User Comments:
“I would so be on your side were it not for one factor: you invited them. Okay, two factors: you invited them AND your bestie and partner. In other words, you put together a little birthday party and, at age 27, expected your parents to foot the bill without so much as asking them if that was okay or asking your partner and best friend to contribute.
I think that’s a bit much, regardless of your circumstances as a student. Tightening your belt on unnecessary expenses includes your birthday. YTJ.” JeepersCreepers74
Another User Comments:
“In my culture, but if English isn’t your first language, I doubt we’re of the same culture, but in mine, whoever extends the invitation pays, since it’s your birthday and you invited your parents, I would assume your partner was paying.
If you needed them to foot the bill, that should have been clear upfront. YTJ” Cultural_Section_862
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s the jerk here… What your dad said was way out of line, but you also can’t invite people to take you out and expect them to pay.
You even invited your partner and best friend too? Why didn’t your partner take you to dinner? I understand money is tight, but that doesn’t mean you get to choose what other people give you. It may have been more understandable if your mom had asked what you wanted to do for your birthday and you had suggested she take you and your friends out to dinner.
But simply inviting someone to dinner doesn’t invite them to also pay – even on your birthday.” sansansa56
13. AITJ For Leaving The Gym After Waiting For My Partner For Three Hours?
“I (21f) have a gym membership to a very popular chain gym that allows me to have guests whenever I want for free. My partner (29m) has a gym membership to a smaller gym that requires a fee for guest entry. His gym also closes frequently on holidays or when the owners are on vacation.
His gym is closed this week for an extended Labor Day weekend and typically he just comes to my gym when his is closed. I go to the gym after I finish my summer classes, around 8 pm, and I’m usually there until around 10 pm, depending on how crowded the gym is.
My partner told me he had a game session at 8 pm but would join me afterwards. I made it clear to him that I leave after around 2 hours and I could stick around for maybe 3, but I prefer to go to bed early and wake up early so I can’t stay all night.
He texted me that this was fine and he’d see me later.
Fast forward to 8pm, I text him that I’m at the gym and he can just text me when he gets here and I’ll sign him in. No response. At 9 pm, I text “How’s the game?” No response.
At 10pm, I text “Are you still planning on coming?” No response. I had already finished my gym routine for the day and thought about leaving, but I remembered that I said I could stay 3 hours if needed, so I decided to do some extra cardio and wait for him.
At 11pm, having already finished my gym routine and ran for an hour, I texted “Hope your night was good! Sad I didn’t see you at the gym, heading out now. Hope to see you tomorrow!” Again, no response.
Until about a half hour later, my partner calls me and says he’s at the gym and he needs me to sign him in.
I say I already left and was already getting ready for bed but we can try again tomorrow. He got upset because the gym is a very important coping skill for him and I was being selfish for not coming back to the gym for him.
He raised his voice a bit then hung up.
I think I’m in the right because I clearly stated how late I could stay, but I also could be the jerk because it’s not his fault his gaming session went late and the gym is really important to him and he’s missing out on his gains because of me.”
Another User Comments:
“Girl, I say this with love: break up with him. That is not an okay response. You were more than clear and were very generous to even stay an extra hour. There is no world in which he should respond to your generosity by yelling at you.
Even if he hadn’t yelled, his lack of response via text is incredibly rude when he knew what time you would be there. You deserve better.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- you communicated very clearly with him and he chose to ignore that communication.
He needed to be adult enough to leave the game session to be present while you were at the gym to sign him in or he needed to acknowledge that he wasn’t going to be able to make it in your time frame and pass on it for the night.
He’s almost 30 and acting like a spoiled toddler throwing a tantrum when he doesn’t get what he wants. He needs to grow up.” Photomama16
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s cruel and stupid that he would yell at you when you did an excellent job of communicating.
All he had to do was read/respond to any of your texts. He’s the one who blew you off! Honestly, he should be apologetic and just grateful you’re not more annoyed that he kept you waiting. If this happened to me, I don’t know if I would answer someone’s call if they ghosted me all night and I was already in bed. He seems like kind of a jerk.” Cluck1000
12. AITJ For Resisting My Family's Attempts To Change My Beliefs?
“My family and I moved to the US a few years ago, settling in a city that has a relatively high conservative population. I have no issue with individuals holding whatever beliefs they choose, as long as they don’t attempt to impose those beliefs on me.
We are Catholics, but our faith has never significantly influenced our decisions or lifestyle.
A few weeks ago, I noticed a shift in my parents’ and sister’s behavior. My mother started insisting that I watch videos featuring Christian individuals discussing Jesus and related topics. This made me uncomfortable, so I asked her to stop, which she did for a while.
Due to the situation, I felt obligated to disclose my bisexuality. My father was supportive, but my mother began showing me videos of Christian individuals claiming that people who identify as gay aren’t truly gay, but are simply ill and will eventually outgrow it. Again, I have no issue with people holding their own beliefs, as long as they don’t force those beliefs on me.
Despite telling her multiple times that I was uncomfortable with her showing me these videos, she continues to insist that I’m ill and that I will eventually marry a good man, have children, and settle down. She also keeps telling me that I “just haven’t found the right guy yet”.
My sister, who was initially okay with my bisexuality, has recently been telling me that I need God and Jesus in my life and even offered to introduce me to her religious friend. I initially thought she was joking, as she had previously been quite non-religious and even found it somewhat embarrassing.
However, she was entirely serious.
My father is probably the only one who respects my decisions. He is somewhat conservative himself, but he accepts my differing views. Whenever I express my discomfort with being made to go to church every week and being told that I’m wrong for not being completely devoted to Jesus, they respond with comments like “Oh, so you’re an atheist now?” or “Oh, so you’re into Satanism now?” I assure them that I’m not, but they keep insisting that if I reject God, then I’m not a true Christian.
Firstly, I am not a Christian; I am a Catholic. Secondly, I do not reject God. I do love Him, but I don’t devote my entire life and attention to Him. And thirdly, I have no plans of converting to another religion.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. How old are you? Unfortunately, you’re sort of stuck with their rules until you can move out. I was made to go to church until I moved out and then promptly became an atheist. My parents insisted I’d switch to religion when I had a child.
Nope. Raising a mini atheist who decided she wanted to be a witch and worship a goddess. So now we have crystals in the house. Anyway, the point is… at some point, you’ll have to choose your own path and have the conviction to stand behind your choice.” Vulpix-Rawr
Another User Comments:
“You ARE a Christian. Catholics are Christians. I don’t know why you feel the need to make a distinction there. You’re NTJ but since you are a minor and live in your parents’ home, you kind of have to tolerate it a bit.
You can’t force someone to not talk to you about a certain subject but you’re also not in a position to avoid them entirely. Can you get your father to help you out with how to get them to stop with the proselytizing?” rbrancher2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are entitled to believe whatever you want. Though, I would reflect upon whether it’s a right fit for you to identify yourself as Catholic if your values and beliefs don’t match those taught by the Church (as opposed to most Protestant denominations which leave some leeway about what their members should believe, Catholic teachings are quite precise).
And strictly speaking, Catholicism is a Christian denomination, so if you’re Catholic, you are a Christian by definition (which is not the point because as I said, you’re entitled to believe what you wish, it’s just not a good argument to use in a discussion, because it’s incorrect).” TheVivaciousLady
11. AITJ For Not Stopping My Fiancé From Defending Me Against My Mom's Rude Comments?
“Just a few days ago, I (23F) along with my partner (27M) had a dinner with my family (my father, mother, and sister) since we wanted to spend time with each of our families before he and I went on a trip to Japan (we had dinner with his family just a few days before this dinner) for a few months.
He and I arrived at the restaurant just a few minutes before everyone else and decided to order our food and wait for them. While we were talking with everyone, my mom made some peculiar comments a few times, such as:
“Isn’t (my fiancé’s name) too old for you?”
“You (referring to me) are gaining a bit too much weight, aren’t you? Who knows, maybe (fiancé’s name) will look for someone else now.”
Everyone was clearly uncomfortable with her words, and my dad was even clearly glaring at her to stop speaking, and I was getting a bit emotional, especially when she referred to my weight and the possibility of my partner leaving since even when I was young, I always had problems with my self-esteem and tried to be my best. I somewhat started tearing up, which my fiancé immediately noticed, and that made him a bit upset.
He started making comments back to my mom’s words, like:
“Oh, but don’t auntie and uncle (my dad and mom) have a 9-year age gap? I don’t think Pri (my nickname) and I have that much of a difference in age.”
“Don’t worry, auntie, I will only love her for the rest of my life, no matter how she looks.”
I was really touched by his words and felt comforted, and even more when he smiled at me and excused him and me to go the bathroom, and when we reached it, he immediately hugged me and said to not listen to my mom’s word, and I just kind of started crying while clinging to him since I’ve never really felt this much love before.
When we went back, he made an excuse for us to leave and paid the bill early so that my family wouldn’t have to pay anything. I fell asleep on the way back to our home, and when I woke up, I was already on the bed. I feel really thankful for having someone like him, but my mom spams me with chats on how disrespectful my fiancé was, so AITJ for not stopping my partner from kind of speaking back to my mom?”
Another User Comments:
“Nothing he said was disrespectful. Those were the kindest “defenses” I have ever heard to a rude MIL. Your partner is wonderful, and you have nothing to worry about. If your mother is like that normally, she’s awful. If she’s not normally like that, you might want to defend yourself by letting her know that she was very rude to both you *and* your partner with those comments, and ask if she’s going through something to make her project onto your relationship with that nonsense.
Either way, NTJ.” Major_Barnacle_2212
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother was being completely disrespectful to you. Your fiancé said and did all the right things. It’s not like he shouted at her and lashed out, he simply informed her that her concerns about the age Gap or your body were misplaced. Your mother seems very invested in tearing you down, and if she sees someone standing up for you as disrespect, she is the problem.” Competitive_Cod_3843
10. AITJ For Not Letting My Daughter Stay At My Sister's After A Serious Argument?
“I have 3 children, two boys (15, 11) and one girl (14), and sometimes I let them stay over at my sister’s (She’s really my cousin, but we are so close we’re like sisters and we call each other that, but we’ll call her Allie) house with her husband (we’ll call him Jack).
It’s almost always my daughter (we’ll call her Chloe) who stays over because Allie and Chloe have a good time together. Allie also has a small child, and Chloe loves to help watch her and spend time with her.
A little over a month ago, Chloe was spending the night over there.
Unfortunately, Allie and Jack got into a serious argument, with yelling and name-calling in front of Chloe. I was informed while it was happening, so I immediately went to pick her up because I don’t think any child should be around that. I got there, and my daughter was in tears, as was my sister.
Allie kept apologizing, and I felt so bad because it was a serious argument. No one hit each other or anything like that, but there was a lot of very loud yelling and a lot of derogatory name-calling while Chloe was right there in the same room or the next room.
I’m not sure if anything was being thrown, but there was a lot of door slamming and whatnot.
Allie and Jack are still together, which is great. However, I don’t think they have really worked past this because Allie often tells me that she doesn’t think that Jack wants to stay or wants to be with her.
This isn’t really my business, but Allie keeps asking if Chloe can come over and stay the night, and I am still uncomfortable. Allie and Jack have both apologized, and Allie insists that there will be no arguments or anything in front of Chloe, but I’m still hesitant.
When I expressed these feelings to Allie, she simply said that she too hated being around adults that argued and it also made her sad.
I don’t mind going over there with my children, but I feel like I should be there. I mean, I go over there to spend time with Allie anyways because we’re pretty close.
But Allie is always asking if Chloe can come over, and I keep saying no, usually for different reasons. She says she understands, but I don’t think she does, or maybe I’m just being overbearing, I don’t know. AITJ for not wanting my children to spend the night over there for now?
I feel like Allie thinks I’m being way over-protective, and I probably am, I don’t know.”
Another User Comments:
“I was allowed to stay at my aunt’s house where had a physically abusive husband, and I saw him hold a knife to her throat when I was like 6?
Still remember it. Shouldn’t have had to see that. Am I messed up from it? Not necessarily because I didn’t understand what was going on, but now that I’m an adult, I’m like, ‘darn, that’s messed up.’ I wouldn’t subject your daughter to anything that could remotely turn into that kind of situation, though.
NTJ.” ProfessionalNo8529
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I do think it’s a good idea to ask your daughter what she wants to do. Your daughter and Allie shouldn’t miss out on quality time just because a fight unfortunately happened with Chloe there. As long as your daughter feels safe going and staying again, I think it should be considered.” guilty_bodies
9. AITJ For Suggesting My Wife Needs Therapy After She Insulted My Colleague?
“I (35m) and my wife (34f) went to dinner at my colleague’s house.
For context, my colleague is a female (30), let’s call her Lisa. She lives and is very happy with her partner (33m). She and I are ONLY friends from work, and this friendship has progressed outside of work since going on a trip for training. I have met her partner, and we get along well also.
I was her reviewer/manager at work, that’s how we met, and since we talk a lot about food and traveling, she has suggested recipes I have made for my wife, and she’s gone on holidays with her partner to places I suggested after visiting with my wife.
Both parties are aware of our friendship, and her partner is completely content.
My wife, however, isn’t since she’s officially met her when we went to her house for dinner. Now, my wife has declined many times to meet Lisa when we have been invited for BBQs, dinners out, and even saying “hello” on FT when I’m on training (so she knows who I am with), but this occasion she said yes to going for dinner at Lisa’s.
At Lisa’s house, there’s a huge island in her kitchen, and she’s been chopping things while we drink wine, and her partner is talking to us about their tomatoes they’ve grown and they’re amazing, we have to try. While having this conversation, Lisa is smiling, chopping said tomatoes, and then my wife blurts out, “You look fake, Lisa.
What have you had done?” Lisa is very quiet, her nose is getting red, and I know she’s going to cry, and turns to put things in the pan. Everyone goes DEAD SILENT. Lisa turns and covers her face, and plays with her hair, and says she’s going to the loo.
Lisa’s partner says, “That was so freaking disgusting” and goes to see if she’s okay. My wife shrugs and eats one of the tomatoes. I said, “I can’t believe you said that” and go to see if Lisa is okay. My wife gets mad at me for going.
I said to Lisa’s partner, “I’m so sorry,” and I said we were leaving. On the way home, I said she needs therapy if she doesn’t think that her actions were messed up. Lisa hasn’t had any work done that I am aware of, but then I don’t look at her this way; regardless, I was shocked. My wife called me every name under the sun and said I’m a jerk for suggesting such things as they are no use, and she doesn’t believe she was wrong, and now she’s not talking to me.
This was on Saturday, and it’s Tuesday, and I’ve still not been able to get anything out of her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your wife does need therapy if she can have outbursts like that and feel like she’s perfectly justified and acceptable in doing so.
Sounds like she feels like she succeeded in knocking someone she viewed as a rival for your attention down a peg, and she’s not sorry about it at all. Again, not normal thought patterns given the information you’ve provided about your friendship with Lisa.” hazeandgraze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your wife isn’t quite as wonderful as you think, unfortunately. She attacked Lisa because of her own jealousy and then attacked and mistreated you. None of us deserve to be in relationships where our partners >called me every name under the sun and said I’m a jerk.
That crosses a major line. If she won’t go to therapy, I hope you will, so you know better how to deal with her anger and jealousy and to hear someone tell you that you don’t deserve her attacks.” CheckIntelligent7828
8. AITJ For Kicking Out My Partner And His Mom While Pregnant?
“My partner 28(M) and I (30F) have been together for 2 years.
We live together and recently just moved his mom in. I’m pregnant and his mom just moved to the state, so we thought it would help her and us when I give birth since I’ve been having a really hard pregnancy so much so my work has given me a 6-month leave.
It’s been a bit tough because she is a pretty critical woman, but nothing unbearable.
So 2 days ago my phone broke, and luckily my partner had an old iPhone I could use until I could go get a new one. He apparently never factory reset it, and while I was trying to set it up and reset it, thousands of notifications through email and iMessage text started to alert and go off, I assume since the phone was dead they didn’t notify until I charged it up.
I suppose you can say I was nosy and I shouldn’t have looked, but I did and I didn’t like what I saw. It’s true curiosity kills the cat. So many different gross emails with him paying for inappropriate pictures from random girls.
Texts from multiple women, some you could tell were ones you pay to talk to you, and others were people I assume he met on an app. There was a couple where he confessed his love or said just tons of lies about himself. One where his wife died, another where he hasn’t found “the one,” another where he is a single father because his baby mama is a dead beat.
Let’s just say, I cried for hours. Just so many emotions and as I’m writing this I’ve really settled on anger and betrayal.
I confronted him and at first he was so sorry and remorseful and when I told him I need time to think if we can even get past this, he got angry told me it’s my fault because I’m “fat” (I’m 7 months pregnant by the way) and I’ve “changed” the worst part is his mother AGREES!
That I’m the issue. After I was done crying for a solid day, I gave him and his mom 30 days to move. (I own the house, it’s in my name)
Now his brother is threatening to sue me (he’s a lawyer,) on his brother’s behalf, and his other family members won’t leave me alone on social media, I keep blocking them but it isn’t helping too much.
I’m so stressed out and just want them out now but now my partner is trying to be sweet again but I am freaking out I’m almost due and now alone and idk if I’m the jerk for kicking my baby’s dad out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His mom is a mean woman for blaming you and so is the sperm donor. Toss both their butts out. The brother is trying to scare you about suing you. It’s your house in your name. What could they possibly sue you for?” bigmike1972d
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and you need to make a harassment complaint to the police naming ex-partner, his mom, and all the flying monkeys (make sure include the brother’s threat to sue) since they are acting on ex-partner’s and his mom’s behalf.” Solid-Feature-7678
7. AITJ For Choosing To Work In A Bakery Instead Of Pursuing A Career In Chemistry?
“I’m in my late twenties. I work in a bakery.
I live with my parents in their small guesthouse in the backyard (upon their insistence). I did want to move out, but they pushed so I gave in. I pay the bills and utilities and food costs in the guesthouse. I have never relied on my parents for money since I turned 18 and went to university.
The only time I accept money from them is when they’re insistent that I’m struggling to make ends meet with my bakery wage. The extra cash is nice.
I have a Master’s in Chemistry. I didn’t really want to go into that field, but my parents said I should get a degree for job security.
Time was ticking for me to decide whether to go to university/find a job/apprenticeship, and I didn’t see an issue with that, so I picked chemistry because it interested me in sixth form. I did take loans to attend but I’m in the UK so repayment is not an issue.
I hated my degree and purely did it for future security. The best part was the social aspect and I made friends for life.
I started working in this bakery a few years ago. I like to bake. I’m good at it. It’s relaxing and I get to be hands-on instead of sitting on my backside at a desk.
My friend said he could hire me so I went for it and I love my job. It’s no 9-5 making 50K a year kind of a job but I get to do something I love for a living and I get on well with my coworkers.
I am really happy here and have no plans to move until I’m at least 30.
I had dinner with my parents and lawyer brother a couple nights ago. They ask me how my work is going, to which I tell them that the bakery is doing well, and immediately they tell me it’s great, but ask about when I’m going to quit.
That I need to get a “proper job” in the chemistry field, or how else will any good labs want me in the future (not that I even want to, but they don’t listen). I had enough and left and just blocked everyone because they kept trying to call.
I know it’s not exactly well paying. I have friends who make 60K+, I know what life I could have. However, they hate their jobs and I want to enjoy my work. AITJ for not having a “proper job”?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is the classic parental expectations trap.
You have a job that pays well enough and that you really enjoy. That’s more a ‘proper job’ than one that makes you hate a third of your life. Seems like your parents still haven’t figured out that their goals for you are not the ones you have for yourself.
They might never learn that, but that doesn’t change your autonomy here.” BetweenWeebandOtaku
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is the problem in a capitalist society. More money = More Happiness. There is some truth to it of course. Money brings stability and allows you to enjoy a greater range of life, but if the only way to earn the buckets of cash is to spend the next 50 years in a job you hate… honestly I’d rather the less paying work I enjoy.
The only part I’ll side with your family is the starting soon. If you plan to work in chemistry, it’ll get harder to get your start the longer you are away from the industry. So make sure you are happy with the bakery and probably giving up being rich in the future.” Vegetable-Wing6477
Another User Comments:
“Your parents will never accept your decision. They want the prestige of having a child that works in chemistry and the ability to brag to their friends. Whilst those that don’t have their heads up their backside know being a baker is an important role, you will never change their mind and their disappointment in your career.
Its your life, and do what makes you happy, I strongly suggest each and every time they start mentioning it you put down firm boundaries “you know my decision, I’m not discussing it further, I will get up and leave if you push the topic” and then do Its the only way to have context and not be lectured each time you go.
NTJ.” PsychologicalCarob63
6. AITJ For Not Wanting My Fiancé's Best Friend At Our Family-Only Wedding?
“I (27F) have been with my fiancé (29F) for 4 years, off and on, and we are getting married in January. My fiancé has a girl best friend (29F) who he has known since they were 11.
She is married to her husband (31M) who she has been with for the past ten years and is currently pregnant. It’s very early and she isn’t showing but she told my fiancé as she was planning on asking us to be the baby’s godparents.
We have never been that close but she is a nice woman and there has never been any conflict. They went out with each other in high school briefly but from what I have heard, he was in love with her long after that, but they both insist it’s strictly platonic now.
He has a history of depression and heavy drinking and has always claimed that without (29F) he would not be here today and that she saved his life. She has always been there for him, helped him and stuck by him through his multiple rehabs.
The problem is our upcoming wedding, I have always wanted a small get-together back garden sort of thing with strictly family only. My fiancé agreed as he knew beforehand this was something I had always wanted and we began to draft a list of who we wanted to invite.
He had put down his mum and step-dad, grandparents, sister, brother, brother in law, uncle and aunt and best friend (29F).
I was confused at first and reiterated that I wanted it to be family only. He looked up and stared at me saying ” She’s my family as much as my sister is.” and that ” It is my wedding as much as yours so I will have a say in who is invited” This hurt me as it was my wish to only have immediate family and he was completely disregarding it.
The other issue is her pregnancy by the time of the wedding, she will be showing, and because of how close my fiancé’s family are with her, it’s inevitable that they will notice and want to talk about it when the focus should be on us.
I’ve spoken to some family members who agree that it should be strictly immediate family only, but some disagree and say I should let my husband have his best friend be there for his big day. I am still unsure as I don’t want to fight with my fiancé, but I should be able to say if I don’t want her there on my big day.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ It’s not your big day, it’s your and your fiancé’s big day. This is not all about you; it’s about celebrating your love and the start of your marriage. If she was a drama queen who loved making things all about her and her pregnancy, it would be one thing, but you literally just said she’ll be showing and people will notice and talk to her about it.
This day is about celebrating you and your fiancé, but not to the point of everyone else having to erase themselves so you feel like the only special one. Also, if she’s so close to his family, might they not already know about it?
Why do you think your wedding will be the first time? He’s going along with everything you’ve always said you’ve wanted for your wedding: He told you she’s like family to him, and you understand the depth of that history. Chosen family can be as real as blood family.
This is not a case of him ignoring your feelings; this is a case of you ignoring his feelings and him not being willing to ignore his own needs to give you everything you demand. Don’t make yourself the victim. You need to either stop making this all about yourself and recognize your fiancé’s needs, or you need to address the real issue, which seems to be your insecurity/displeasure with this woman’s place in his life.
It’s not going to stop being an issue if you manage to get your way with the wedding, this is, in theory, the start of the rest of your lives together. And he’s already made it clear that she’s an important part of his.
If you don’t trust him and think there’s something there, address that head on. If it’s just you wanting to be the only woman he cares about, tackle that head on too, for both your sakes. If you can’t live with one of the most important people in his life, whom he has explicitly told you is his family, being at your wedding, then push pause on the wedding until you’ve figured it out.” OhNoMoose8
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I think you are feeling insecure about their friendship and this is driving you. You are marrying the dude, don’t you want him to be happy? If both of your families are so easily distracted by a baby belly, that’s tough luck and kind of on them and not her.” oceanwaves_1
Another User Comments:
“The other issue is her pregnancy by the time of the wedding, she will be showing, and because of how close my fiancé’s family are with her, it’s inevitable that they will notice and want to talk about it when the focus should be on us.
Well, you better hope no one got a promotion, new job, new house, or the focus might be on them too YTJ. At most they will congratulate her. The whole evening won’t be spent discussing you” Slight-Bar-534
5. AITJ For Not Wanting Visitors At The Hospital After Giving Birth?
I (F31) am currently 39 weeks pregnant. My cousin, who is very close to me, texted my mom yesterday asking her to let her know when the baby comes so she can visit me at the hospital. However, I’ve decided, together with my partner, that we won’t have any visitors at the hospital besides our moms and sisters.
That’s for mainly two reasons:
- The safety of the baby. We don’t feel comfortable with a bunch of people next to our newborn.
- My privacy. This is my first kid, and I have no idea how I will be feeling after the birth.
But I’m pretty sure I won’t want to be talking to people and giving attention. I’ll probably be tired and feeling very vulnerable. I want to spend the first days only with my baby, partner and my mom, to be honest, but I understand that his mom, my sister, and his sisters are close enough to be there.
I’m very anxious about the birth and don’t want anything that can make me more anxious. So, my mom, who already knows my wishes, told this to my cousin, and she very obviously got offended by the way she responded to my mom.
Later, she came to talk to me about her conversation with my mom, and I told her that she shouldn’t be upset, it was nothing personal, my mom just said that because I had told her that before and it’s true. I explained to her my feelings and thought everything was ok.
However, she got super offended and said that she visited her other friends who gave birth and it was fine, and that I should go seek the sacrament (she said that because we’re both catholic but I’m unmarried an living with my partner), which made me very mad, because until this point she was being very kind to me and not judgmental, but because I asked her to visit me at home a few days after the birth and not at the hospital, she started making all this drama and judging my choices.
She told me to live with my conscience and that I was being rude to her, and if I don’t want her in my life I should just say it? She also told me that tables turn and she is now getting to really know me.
What does this even mean? In my opinion she was being totally crazy, but I came to see if strangers on the internet would have my back on this.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re setting boundaries and there’s nothing wrong with this.
Giving birth is a stressful experience and you should be allowed to make that experience as comfortable as possible for you and if this means limiting visitors, that’s your choice. Your cousin is being selfish here by not respecting your wishes and lashing out, so don’t worry about what she says.
Wish you all the best with your birth and hope all goes well.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Having loads of visitors in the hospital sounds awful, doesn’t it! We did something much like you. I had a planned csection, only my mum/dad/sister and partner’s mum/dad were allowed to visit us at the hospital and it was pre-planned. Everyone else had to wait.
We didn’t even announce the birth to everyone else until 4 days later. It was peaceful.” CrabbiestAsp
4. AITJ For Not Wearing My Hearing Aids At Home Despite My Mother's Insistence?
My (49F) normal hearing mother has demanded me, a (18M) to wear my hearing aids on multiple occasions recently.
First off, I think it’s important to mention that I have a moderate hearing on my right and moderately severe hearing loss on my left. In other words, I can’t hear whispers very well, bird chirping, etc. It’s been this way my entire life.
Another important mention is that my entire family and family’s friends can hear normally. So, they never made any attempt to learn sign language before my birth and even after my birth.
Anyways, it became more common that my mother wanted me to wear my hearing aids at home.
Which I saw is unfair since I wore my hearing aids all day at work and at school. I wanted a break away from it when I’m at home which I told her as such, but she dismissed it by telling me that she hated having to repeat herself.
We argued many times about it and recently it got to the point where she’s beginning to mock me.
One day, the topic of not wearing my hearing aids was brought up. I tried to tell her that it’s not because the hearing aids are uncomfortable and was about to list another reason why I didn’t wear them before she decided to interrupt me to yell about what she thought.
I walked away to calm down and came back to learn that she put on an earplug. “I wanted to see what it’s like.”
I was pretty clear that I was confused but remained positive, “Okay? Maybe it’ll help you?”
So, she smiled and started purposely mocking me, “What?
Huh? What did you say?”
I felt a little insulted but remained calm, “I don’t appreciate the fact that you’re mocking me.”
Eventually, she didn’t take my feelings into consideration and I walked off. After rethinking everything and putting myself in her shoes.
I feel like a jerk because I could’ve just wore it and went on my day.
My friends explain that it’s my choice to wear my hearing aids or not so I shouldn’t feel bad. They mentioned videos of deaf/HOH parents giving their deaf/HOH children a choice if they want to wear their hearing aids or not. They told me that it’s a great example of how my mother should be.
But I can see how this situation is different since my family is hearing so it’s understandable why things turned out this way.
Still, AITJ for not wearing my hearing aids when my mother told me to? I’m conflicted at this point since both parties are saying I AM the jerk and I’m NOT the jerk.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I’m sorry that your family is acting like this. Your comfort matters and no one can force you to wear a device that causes you discomfort because it makes life easier for them. Your mom is acting childish about this situation.
I hope that she learns to grow up. (Also, it’s not your responsibility to parent her, this is her problem to work on.)” Silky-Silkie-2575
Another User Comments:
“Ntj, your mum was so in the wrong for mocking you and showed a complete lack of respect by not bothering to learn sign language.
I can hear fine so don’t understand what you go through but i have enough decency to respect when people need a break from their hearing aids. It’s sad your family can’t show you the same courtesy” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ And I’m sorry to say this, you probably love her, but to me she’s just a lady, so : your mom sounds like a huge ableist and overall insensitive person.
I know a lot of people that learnt a sign language just because it’s fun and interesting, let alone for their loved ones. It is your bodily autonomy, you have the right to not wear the hearing aid without needing to explain yourself to anyone.” StardustOnTheBoots
3. AITJ For Not Informing My Friend's Partner About His Surprise Birthday Dinner?
“I (26f) have a friend, Max (26m). Max’s dad and mine were friends when we were kids so we (sort of) grew up together. We became friends in our late teens and have been close ever since, but I am also close to his two sisters and both his parents.
Max has a partner called Julia, and they’ve been together for a year.
Max’s birthday is next week, and he’s been working a lot lately, so hasn’t had time to see his family much (they all live a plane ride away in different directions), so I got the idea to invite them all to a surprise birthday dinner.
I paid for his younger sister to fly out and had her stay with me, got a room at his favourite restaurant, and coordinated everything with his parents so it would be a total surprise. I organised dinner with Max (he thought with just me) and I explicitly told him “bring Julia along” because he wouldn’t unless I brought it up so I made sure I did.
On the night, he arrived, without Julia. His family jumped out and it was a special moment, but once we sat down, I asked where she was and he said since he thought it was just me at dinner, he didn’t think it was a big deal not to bring her.
I felt bad, since it was more than just dinner, and I apologized, but Max said not to worry about it, since he is having a proper party next week with friends and she’d be there for that. We all went on with dinner and Max had a good time so I counted the evening a success.
The morning after, Julia messaged me calling me every name under the sun. She is mad that I organised the dinner “behind her back” and saying that I should have told her what was going on. I told her that I’d planned for her to be there but she said I still should have told her what I was planning and asked her if it was okay.
I see why she is upset that she wasn’t there, but I explicitly told Max to invite her and had no idea that he hadn’t. I don’t really think I should have to ask her permission to do something for my friend with people who I also consider family.
Max is saying not to worry, that Julia is just upset at having missed the dinner, but I’m not sure. I have always tried not to be *that* girl best friend (I literally moved out of Max’s apartment so that I wasn’t third wheeling), and now I’m worried I put my foot in it.”
Another User Comments:
“I think this is hard…. And I hate to say it but I think YTJ… She is not a new partner. She is a year in. You should have absolutely included her in the planning. Whilst you see them as family, they are not, where as one day they might be hers.
Sure, others (his folks, sister) etc could have told her, but as the organiser, it should have been you that reached out to her.” Ariadeyy
Another User Comments:
“Even if everything had worked out, you would’ve put Julia in a room with her in-laws with out any time to mentally prepare.
As they live far away, they probably hardly know each other? Even if they are the chillest parents ever, that is rough. More towards the issue everybody talks about: I understand not telling Max as it is his surprise, but why did you not let her know?
I assume you let his family know it was a surprise dinner? If you don’t know her well and feel awkward contacting her, that shows you care about your comfort more than respecting her. There are much worse stories here, but I’ll say you are on the jerk side of things.
YTJ” Old-Host-57
2. AITJ For Not Cleaning My Husband's Truck When I Promised Because I Was Spending Time With My Niece?
“On Friday my husband (30M) and his friends went fishing. My husband’s truck got muddy on the outside and on the inside it was trashed. My husband has a very nice truck that he takes a lot of pride in. He keeps it clean 99% of the time so it was surprising to see it so dirty.
I (26F) told my husband that I would go through the car wash and vacuum it out Saturday morning so he will have a clean truck before he leaves for work.
Saturday morning, I get a call from my older sister, Brady (29F). My niece (5F) started kindergarten last week and she wanted to come over to tell me about it.
She also wanted me to put tinsel in her hair since a lot of kids at her school had some. I’m a hairdresser and I have the supplies so why not? Brady dropped my niece off to spend time with me, and my husband seemed annoyed. My niece is well behaved. Most of the time she just wants to sit and watch a movie or play a game, so I didn’t understand why he was upset.
Around noon he came into the living room with his keys mad. I asked him where he was going. His response was, “I’m going to clean my truck. You know, like you said you would?” I tried explaining to him that I was still going to do it, but I was going to wait until after our niece leaves.
He rolled his eyes and slammed the door. I hate confrontation so it made me upset, but I tried not to let it ruin my time with my niece.
My other sister, Kara (22F), came over to see our niece since she hasn’t been able to see her either since she went back to college a week before our niece started kindergarten.
My husband came home still mad and went straight to our room. My sisters asked me what’s wrong with him, so I explained to them the situation. Brady told me that I should’ve just taken my niece with me to clean out the truck since I already agreed to do it, but I wanted to spend time playing with my niece instead of cleaning with her.
My other sister, Kara, told me that my husband is capable of cleaning up after himself. Basically, if he wanted it done on his time then he needs to do it himself.
I can understand both sides, but my husband is still mad at me.
I don’t want to leave things unresolved before he leaves for a week, and at this point I can’t tell if I’m a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ priorities can change & you were still going to do it. You didn’t do anything wrong, all he had to do was ask politely “hey are you still going to wash my car for me?” And you could have answered him that you were.
You could have also asked your sister if she could have brought your niece over after you’d done it, but I’m sure you didn’t know that there was an urgency” comethobnob
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband has no reason to be angry with you.
Is he always this unreasonable? **He** got **his** truck dirty, so why was it up to you to clean it anyway? And you were still willing to do it, only a few hours later than you originally planned. A good man would have said, “Honey, have fun with your sister and don’t worry about cleaning the truck.
I have time now and I can do it. Thanks for the offer though.” Maximum-Swan-1009
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like you were still going to get it done — a little later than anticipated, but still by the stated deadline. If that’s the case, NTJ.
Sure, you could have proactively communicated this, but that’s a lesson to learn for next time, and not a jerk move. Your husband, on the other hand… he clearly has both the time and ability to clean up the truck that he and his friends messed up.
While he’s not the jerk for expecting you to do what you said when you said you would… he is definitely the jerk for being passive-aggressive and snippy instead of having an actual conversation.” cyanderella
1. AITJ For Planning Vegan Meals Without Including Non-Vegan Group Members?
“I (21F) joined my volunteer group on our annual group trip last weekend. We stayed at a small house in a somewhat rural area which was a 2 hour drive from where we all live. Ahead of time, I asked all the vegans whether they would like to plan our meals for the trip together.
Depending on where we go, sometimes there aren’t great options at the supermarket and I wanted us to be prepared. I asked at our weekly group meeting and then again in the group chat. 5 of the 16 people agreed and we planned our meals. We also took some stuff like oat milk and what not.
The rest of the group also took some things like snacks and drinks but didn’t plan any specific meals. Well, when we did our shopping at the local supermarket, they couldn’t really decide on anything and eventually settled on pasta with tomato sauce.
The vegan group made some casserole and it was nice, because we all prepared the meal together and it was delicious in my opinion.
Throughout the weekend, I heard some complaints from the rest of the group. Essentially, they were upset that we hadn’t planned the meals all together and they now had to settle on noodles while we had our “luscious meals” every evening.
I didn’t say anything then because I didn’t want to spoil the mood for the weekend and I didn’t think it was a big deal.
Yesterday we had our group meeting again and reviewed the weekend. Our group leader, T, who was part of the non-vegan group, approached the topic again and got really whiny about it.
He said that it had been inconsiderate of us not to plan with everyone and shut them out. He also said it was a weird choice not to account for 2/3 of the group.
I did get visibly annoyed with him. This felt like kindergarten to me.
I told him he’s an adult man and can plan his own meals. Also the group gets annoyed when we ask to cook a vegan meal and we didn’t want to be the annoying vegans, so we planned independently from them. I also mentioned ones that I openly talked about the meal planning ahead of time and they decided not to do anything about it.
The group sometimes has a tendency to shift the responsibility away from themselves and onto everyone else, so I was a bit impatient with him and everyone who complained.
Should I just have sucked it up or maybe planned the meals together all told?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re right, they are adults and can plan for their own meals. Especially if they already knew you guys were doing so. Getting mad “mom, my sibling won’t share with me!!” vibes lol If T is the group leader, he should have taken initiative to plan this.
And it’s not weird for a group of people with specific dietary requirements to plan ahead.” Aromatic-Jellyfish-4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I can hear them whining about not “being allowed” meat without even knowing them. I do eat meat. But I see how if you had asked if they wanted to meals with the entire group, the people who refused to plan anything, would have complained about why the meals are oriented after the diet of the vegans.
It is also pathetic that 9 people couldn’t cook themselves a nice meal…” CakeEatingRabbit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ They couldn’t be bothered even with some group chat discussion, then got all upset because “the vegans” had those “luscious meals” that would remind them, again, of their lack of planning.
You said it yourself, the group has a tendency to shift the responsibility away onto everyone else. You’re adults, why should *you* have to worry about what *they* will be eating, when they won’t do that themselves? Next thing you know, you’d be here asking if you’re the jerk because they had complained you prepared vegetarian meals for everyone and they weren’t happy.
Vegans in the group: “nom, nom, nom, nom” Non-vegans: “We’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas”” OrcaMum23
