People Don’t Play By The Book In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
23. AITJ For Giving My Roommate 30 Days To Get Her Act Together?
“So, about six months ago, my partner and I saw someone moving in downstairs as a new neighbor. We’ll call the person Tammy. We hung out with her and found out that she was actually the new roommate of someone already staying here.
We found out, a month later, that the person living here didn’t want Tammy as her roommate anymore.
That person also called the cops on Tammy to get her removed. The cops came, said that she needed time to get her things out, and, well, my partner asked if I wanted Tammy to stay with us for a little bit until she got her things together.
Tammy said that she could pay us rent for a room. We found out soon that Tammy had a lot of crap that she moved into the other apartment that she originally wanted to move into ours. So, then, it became a whole ordeal of taking her things to storage.
We had to rearrange our apartment three times just to have space for everything, and Tammy is still bringing things in. I personally think she has hoarder tendencies. She has depression and ADHD, but she is not getting help or medication.
Fast forward six months, and she has barely taken any excess stuff to storage, she eats our food, she complains about us cleaning out food from the fridge from months ago, and now she’s spreading her things into the upstairs neighbor’s apartment, taking over their deck.
I confronted her today, after she screamed at me about not replacing several frozen food items, which were clogging the freezer and which she hadn’t touched since she moved in, about evicting her. Tammy made excuses for not communicating when I originally cleaned out the fridge; she cited her ADHD, her depression, her forgetfulness, and not wanting to “kill my joy” by saying something.
Tammy doesn’t have a job. She paid us with her savings. Her family cut her off. Her friends won’t help her. She’s arguing with my partner, who wants to kick her out too. I feel so disrespected and taken advantage of. So I told Tammy about her being evicted, and she immediately accused me of being manipulative by doing that, brought up all the faults of my partner and argued that I should evict her, claimed that I’m not being fair, and that she is already doing all she can and I can’t ask more of her.
I’m very non-confrontational, and I’m unsure if I’m doing the right thing. I’m also terrified of retaliation, so I’m second-guessing things. Tammy brought up how she has housing issues and has nobody, and claimed that I’m being cruel.
But I bought her Christmas presents when I had none.
I pay for her storage. I pay for food, for her phone line because her parents cut her off, for all the bills and our debts. I handle everything. And she says she cleans cat litter every day. She hasn’t gotten state or federal assistance.
And she won’t try for a job unless it pays 25-30 dollars an hour. She says she has a degree, and she won’t take less.
Am I the jerk for giving her 30 days to get her crap together before I move forward with an eviction notice?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – to yourselves. The neighbors had to call the cops to get her to leave and this is where you and your partner think to yourselves ‘Let’s offer this stranger a place to stay’. The warning signs were there and you ignored them and brought all of this on yourselves.
You can give her 30 days notice, but if she stays and you have to evict her, she’s there for another 6 months at least because of the court systems. Best of luck, OP.” slap-a-frap
Another User Comments:
“I mean obviously she’s an awful roommate, but I don’t understand how y’all let her move in and continue to live there for six months when the previous roommate of hers had to call the cops to try to remove her.
Get an eviction started and a spine PLEASE. I mean that in the nicest way possible—someone like this will ruin your life and you’re letting them. You’re paying for her PHONE for Pete’s sake after everyone in her life cut her off???
I’m not even sure how to vote on this one. NTJ for trying to evict her, but the signs were there.” EventOk1109
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for evicting her, but you and your partner need to come together on this and get this person out, legally.
Stop supporting someone who is taking over your life and hurling insults at you in the same breath. Don’t wait 30 days to give this person an eviction notice; give it right away. If you want to be kind, research local places for assistance for mental health, housing, etc.” BubbleWrap027
22. AITJ For Refusing To Drive My Demanding And Ungrateful Friend?
“I (17 F) and my friend (17 F), who we’ll call K, are in a bit of a tense situation currently. Basically, since I got my driving license, K has been asking me to give her lifts to/from school. When I passed my test, my parents told me that I wasn’t allowed to have any passengers for a while for safety, which I totally understood and was on board with; K did not understand this and wanted me to still give her lifts, to which I obviously said no.
After a few weeks, she started asking about the lifts again, so my parents decided that they would allow me to drive her as long as her mum wrote them a letter expressing that she is fully okay with me driving K and takes full responsibility if anything were to happen, as they were worried that K’s parents would demand compensation if something did happen.
They never delivered that letter, but still kept insisting that I take her, saying that the letter wouldn’t do anything anyway.
As an alternative, K asked me if her mum could send a message as opposed to a letter, so I asked my dad and he agreed. Today, after talking to my mum about the situation, she said that I should offer to take K home from school (since bus times are quite awkward) but not to school (since when my mum used to take the two of us, mornings would be quite stressful, especially with traffic).
Even though I would prefer no commitment at all, I don’t want to seem completely mean and unreasonable, and I feel like it would ruin our friendship if I completely refused, so I think this is a good solution, even though it’s not ideal.
I detailed all of this in messages to K this morning. She left my messages on read, but briefly spoke to me about it in a lesson we had together, just clarifying that her mum could send a message, not a letter.
On top of all this, K is also very ungrateful for the favours my mum and I do for her, such as never giving thanks for previously giving her lifts to and from school pretty much every morning (when my mum used to drive us).
I also do need to mention that I have driven K back home from school about 3 or 4 times when I first got my license, when I felt it was appropriate; however, I think this was a mistake and that she got the wrong idea and expected commitment when I didn’t want that.
The thing that bothers me the most about this whole situation is that she expects commitment all five days to and from school, whereas I would prefer giving her lifts on my own accord when I offer, not when she asks me to or because I have a commitment to take her.
I don’t think she realises how stressful it is to be in a commitment like that, and sometimes I really just want my own space.
This might also be quite rude and blunt, but she can also just be plain annoying at times and difficult to put up with, and I would rather not have my peaceful drives disrupted by her, which could also potentially impact my driving.
Therefore AITJ for not wanting to commit to give her lifts to and from school even though that was the original arrangement when my mum used to drive us?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. K was given so many chances for accommodations, I applaud your parents for being so patient with her because I honestly would have snatched this kid up and immediately forbidden you from hanging out with someone so rude, so inconsiderate.
Your parents set up so many great boundaries; holy cannoli. I have to admit, I was star-struck by how kind your parents were. NTJ OP, and honestly I would basically stop being K’s friend here and now. She was given a freaking permission slip to go sign and she deemed that it wasn’t going to do anything?
Insanity.” GhostPantherAssualt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As you’re the one driving, you have the right to say no. Plus, K and her parents have not done one thing asked of them, and K seems entitled. I would tell your parents that you don’t want to drive her at all and you need them to back you up.
Good parents will do this. I tell my daughter to blame me if she doesn’t know how to say no to something. Then tell K that your parents decided that they don’t want you driving anyone, and you can’t. Don’t engage if she pushes back.
If she asks why, shrug and change the subject or say you have to go.” friendlily
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She wants to send a message because if she needed a letter, her mother would need to get involved. She can forge a message easily, and her mother is none the wiser.
‘They never delivered that letter, but still kept insisting’ Is THEY her and her mother, or is she claiming her mother is involved? Has your mother spoken with hers? If it is her mother, the refusal to send the letter alone makes your answer a NO. Because she wants to leave her options to sue open.
But as I said, I suspect it’s a lie. The bottom line is that no matter what any parents say, if you don’t want to, “No” is a complete sentence. “I feel like it would ruin our friendship.” Why do you care? “She can also just be plain annoying at times and difficult to put up with “K is also very ungrateful for the favours my mum and I do for her.” DryPoetry6
21. AITJ For Parking My Work Van In An Unofficial Dirt Lot?
“I live in Slovenia, a small European country. In the 1960s and 1970s, many apartment buildings were constructed, but back then, people owned far fewer cars. Because of this, parking spaces were designed at 0.7 spaces per apartment—but today, most households have at least two cars, leading to a total parking nightmare.
I rent an apartment in one of these older buildings, and the entire apartment complex has many hundreds of cars parked illegally because there simply aren’t enough official parking spaces.
Right in front of my building, there’s an unofficial dirt parking lot that used to be a playground and some green space.
Over time, it turned into a makeshift parking area. There’s no pavement, no markings, just dirt and gravel, and it fits about 20 cars.
Technically, this isn’t even a road—it’s officially a pedestrian path. There’s a sign stating that cars can enter but only for a maximum of 15 minutes.
In theory, if the police wanted to, they could fine many hundreds of cars in the complex, but nobody enforces this, and parking there has just become the norm.
The Issue is I work as a delivery driver, driving a company van about 400 km per day.
My employer allows me to take the van home, which is great because otherwise, I’d have to buy my own car just to get to work.
If I don’t park in this dirt lot, the closest available parking is a 10-minute walk away.
I don’t like parking far for two reasons:
Security – There have been cases of vandalism, and if something happened to my company van, I might lose the privilege of taking it home.
Convenience – After long shifts, I don’t want to walk 10 minutes, especially in bad weather.
A while ago, I found a note on my windshield saying, “Commercial vehicles don’t belong here.” That was it—no explanation, no name. I have no idea who left it, but technically, no vehicles belong here.
Then last week, a neighbor confronted me when I parked. He told me not to park there because he is disabled and needs a spot.
There was only one space left when I arrived.
I told him that, in reality, nobody should be parking here at all, and that if this were a legal parking lot, my van would be allowed just like any other car. I also told him that if there were official handicap spaces, I would never park in them.
Then he told me that my heavy van is destroying the grass. But… there is no grass. It’s just dirt and gravel—there hasn’t been grass there for years.
He just gave me an angry look and walked away. Now I’m wondering… AITJ for parking my work van here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A neighbor just wants to have parking available and thinks he can chase off other people to get it. Until the owner of the makeshift lot takes action to keep everybody off that lot, carry on.” Pladohs_Ghost
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I saw a situation similar to what you’ve described once. I’m from the US so I could not understand it at all. It looked like an unofficial bumper car/broken Tetris game. Can someone be there as a valet and keep it more organized?” LouReed1942
20. AITJ For Choosing To Help A Mugged Stranger Over My Stressed Travel Companion?
“My friend and I are college friends and decided to take our first trip together.
During this trip, she was constantly stressed about everything. She just wanted to visit a few tourist spots on TikTok to take pictures and then move on to the next spot, and when I didn’t give in to her requests, she would sulk. For example, I went almost 24 hours without eating because I had an upset stomach and didn’t want to eat anything that was easily accessible because it was fried. And when I had some appetite, she complained to me for stopping at the fourth place to ask the price of things (because it was touristy, they were asking a lot of money for a simple sandwich), but she wanted to stop at all the souvenir shops to find a magnet similar to one she had seen years ago.
I know I’m not perfect, but I tried to be as calm as possible and joke about some situations. Which leads to the question now.
We went to catch our flight, but it was cancelled. She started to get really stressed. She immediately bought the first flight that came up, and I didn’t even have time to read the options we had on paper (because this company, as good as it is, doesn’t have an information desk at the airport).
She almost shouted at me, and I asked her to calm down so we could do things properly.
On this same flight, a lady asked us for help. She had been mugged at the airport the day before, and since her documents were taken, the cruise ship would not let her board, and now her flight had been cancelled. Since her glasses were stolen, I helped her buy a new ticket (which was the same as ours) and gave her directions.
Since she was on the same flight, the three of us decided to go to the next gate.
However, the gate only opens in about 10 hours, and because the lady had heavy luggage, she could not join us. So I decided to keep the lady company while my friend went alone to the gate, upset (since the gate would not open for about 10 hours).
I didn’t want to leave her alone because she was already very disoriented and had experienced a lot of turbulence on her trip, so I decided to keep her company instead of my friend. Maybe it was out of kindness, pity, or because I was fed up with my friend’s constant stress.
Did I make the right decision, or should I have stayed with my friend?”
Another User Comments:
“You do know that the “I was mugged and need X, Y, or Z” is usually a scam? If her documents had been stolen, she wasn’t going to be able to board that flight.
You were traveling with your friend, so you should have stayed with her. You now know what kind of traveling companion she is, so you can decide going forward if you want to do that again. YTJ.” Striking-Estate-4800
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell your friend that you’re going to stay with the lady for a couple of hours until luggage check-in and then you’ll go meet her near the gate.
There is no rush anyway to get to the gate since it doesn’t open for 10 hours. Your friend is being impractical and impatient and needs to chill out, but that’s on her. It sounds like you two need some time apart anyway. As for the trip as a whole, consider this a learning experience about traveling with friends—before you go, discuss what each of you wants to do or see on a trip.
Agree to go off on your own for an hour or two so each of you can pursue what you want and then get back together again later in the day. You don’t always have to do everything together, especially when each of you wants to do different things.” jackb6ii
19. AITJ For Refusing To Give Away My Personalized, Embarrassing Textbook?
“I refused to give away my books to someone, and my mom is upset.
This is my second time writing this because reddit removed my post, but anyway. Some background info: I am going into another grade, and understandably, my books from the previous grade are of no use to me. I have never in my life given away my books to juniors, not because I don’t want to, but because I have never been asked to.
Today, my mom was on a call with her friend, and she asked me to bring my textbook. I did as she said, and my mom told me to bring the textbook with me tomorrow to school as my results will be revealed tomorrow. She didn’t tell me the reason when I asked her, and since she was on a call, I didn’t insist. I thought my mom’s friend’s daughter (also my good friend) didn’t have hers and wanted it for reference tomorrow.
After the call, her friend messaged her about four times to make sure that I would bring the book. I finally asked her the reason, and after asking about five times, she told me, annoyed, that her friend wanted the book to give away to a junior.
I flipped out and told her I couldn’t and wouldn’t give my book away because it was filled with embarrassing writings and drawings (and, I mean, all over, this was probably the book I had done it the most in).
She didn’t understand and told me to bring the book to prove it.
I told her that it was not necessary and that I did not want to give a book that was in such condition to a person. She didn’t listen to me and insisted that I had to give the book away because she couldn’t say no now that she had already agreed. I asked why, and she said that she had already said no to this friend about two times in the past and she couldn’t do it again.
This really irritated me, and I told her that she didn’t owe any of her friends and she didn’t always have to say yes to them because they’re her FRIENDS. She said I wouldn’t understand and started saying how I just didn’t want to give away my books.
I flipped out, saying that I was not against giving books to juniors, but the fact that my book was not in good condition was the reason I didn’t want to give it away. She said she couldn’t say no, and I said fine and that I would tell her myself.
She started acting all disappointed in me and said she would print a whole new book (my old one was printed as well), and I told her that was not necessary, but she wouldn’t listen. I kept insisting, and she kept saying how the book was in good condition (it wasn’t).
I told her that if the book were in better condition, I would have agreed, but she kept on ignoring my pleas. I said that this never would have happened if she had told me the reason before she agreed so that I could have said no before she said yes, but she blamed it on me and said that this was my fault because I asked her what the reason was and that she had planned not to tell me.
We kept going back and forth, and finally, she asked me to get out of her room. I am writing this from my room, and I don’t know what to do. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your mom caved, saying that she would just print a new one, and you’re still telling her no. Your replies to comments on this post reek of you being a massive brat.
I understand that you’re a teenager, but my goodness. You asked a question and people answered. There is literally zero reason for you to be acting this way. Maybe your mom didn’t want to tell you why she wanted you to take the book because she knows you’re a jerk.
You also need to stay in school. Maybe take a specific spelling course because you don’t know how to spell a lot of words. The abbreviations ‘Have’, ‘tomorrow’, and ‘because’ are not words; there is no need to abbreviate this way, maybe on something like tiktok where there is a ridiculous word limit, but not here.” turBo246
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You apparently have personalized this book and don’t want to share those personalizations. I get that. Your mom should have talked to you before committing it to her friend. But since she didn’t, once she realized your objections, she needed to go back to her friend to explain why she couldn’t deliver the book to her.
Respect for your privacy is the issue here and parents do need to respect and help protect their children’s privacy.” Realistic_Head4279
Another User Comments:
“It’s your book. Your mom should have asked you first. Just because you’re a teenager doesn’t mean you are not entitled to civility and respect.
NTJ. If it were me, I would hide it or lock it in your school locker if you have one. But I never cared that much about getting punished. Good luck!” Lex-tailonis
18. AITJ For Refusing To Cat Sit For My Mom's Sick Cat While I'm Pregnant And Allergic?
“My mom (58F) absolutely loves her cats and is willing to do anything for them. Her cat Jake (15M) suddenly started having seizures; they have not been able to find the cause, and she has spent a decent amount of money and time trying to do so.
She has taken a lot of time off work because she refuses to leave him home alone if he is having seizures. Her boss told her that she needed to figure out a way to come in after hours to ensure she did not fall behind in her work.
She asked me to come and cat sit for a few hours after I was done work at 4 PM so she could go into the office. At the time, I said yes. It ended up that I got to her place at 5 PM and was there until 9 PM.
That is the whole night in my opinion, as I am normally asleep by 9.
The issue I have with this is that I am approximately 17 weeks pregnant. My mom is not the cleanest person and struggles with what I would describe as hoarding. I don’t love being over there for long periods of time or at all.
She has been understandably emotional over this, and due to that, she is often not functioning at her best. The medication they gave her for Jake’s seizures is something he is supposed to be taking daily. She thought it was only until he recovered; as such, she stopped giving it to him.
She also didn’t like how he acted, unlike himself, while on the medication. He has now relapsed and is having seizures again.
She is now asking me to come over every night this week to cat sit. I told her that I did not think that was necessary for a few reasons: 1.
He doesn’t spend time with me or need me there; he just lies on his bed the whole time, and 2. I would not be taking him to the vet during this time nor even giving him his medication, as he would have already had it.
She only wants me there because she cannot bear to have him be alone while he is having seizures. I can empathize with that. However, I also need to consider my health and the health of my babies. If I go over, I do not have the time or the ability to make a healthy dinner at her place, and I am stuck sitting in an area that triggers allergic reactions (I have a dust allergy and asthma), as well as it being generally unhygienic.
I am an only child and have always been there for my mom both financially and emotionally, and I have rarely put myself first. Personally, I have been trying to set boundaries with her more as I get older because she relies on me constantly as she has literally no one else to rely on.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m so sorry. Just be honest. “Mom. He’s 15 and having seizures to the point where he needs care 24/7. That is not a good life for a cat and that is why we have always, as a society, recognized that we need to be humane to animals.
I cannot come every night. You know this is not a solution. I have my own things I need to take care of, including the human I am growing. I know this is hard, but when you cannot leave them alone, you need to do the right thing.” If she says no, “Then you are going to have to figure something out, Mom.
(You could add…I can do Thursdays for you, but that’s it, and that’s until I am 28 weeks. After that, I won’t have the energy anymore.)” OhmsWay-71
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ, I wouldn’t do that and I’m not even pregnant. I understand your mom has a lot of empathy for the cat, etc., but you have absolutely nothing to do there—not to mention hoarding.
I’m even surprised you find the strength to visit in the first place.” That_wild_mouse
Another User Comments:
“Buy her a cat camera? So she can watch him while at work, during the day, normal working hours. I have a feeling having a logical discussion about this won’t be fruitful… So show her your support by getting her camera set up and then wash your hands of it.
There is also the Rover app; perhaps she can find a local, cheap cat sitter.” PrudenceApproved
17. AITJ For Quietly Studying In My Room While My Light-Sleeper Roommate Returned To Sleep?
“We live in a shared dorm room.
We have the same major and the same exams. My roommate A is a very sensitive sleeper (wakes up at the slightest noise), so I have always tried to be as quiet as possible when she sleeps and I’m up.
I have another friend (B) from another room in the dorm with whom I study.
I was studying with her in her room, but her roommate C had an early morning exam, so we decided to shift to my room at midnight. Before this, I asked my roomie A if she would be returning anytime soon. She said no. So we went to my room and started studying, but A returned earlier than expected and began preparing to sleep.
I realized that we could not study while she slept. I told A that we needed 5-10 more minutes to finish the current problem and whispered during that time. So, basically, it was only a maximum of 10 minutes that B and I discussed, and that too very quietly.
Then I said we should wrap up (I couldn’t just tell B to leave). B left. Then I went to sleep too.
Ten to twenty minutes later, A woke up several times, turning the light on and off. I asked her if she was okay.
She said, “I can’t sleep now. Can’t you think of others sometimes instead of only your studying?” I was speechless. I tried explaining that it was only 10 minutes, but she rudely shut me down.
In my defense, I have always been very considerate of her sleeping issues.
I take a lot of care—down to not locking my cupboard to ensure it doesn’t creak in the morning, or changing where I keep things I use in the morning, etc. She keeps telling me that she woke up because of some noise I made, but I have really done everything possible.
I have also apologized multiple times in the past and explained that I do everything possible.
She has also woken me up many times by making very loud noises, but I haven’t bothered to mention it to her. Should I have left as soon as she came?
But it is also my room. (The common areas are too noisy to study, and it was too late to go to the library.) And I think that if she is such an extraordinarily light sleeper, she should wear earplugs while sleeping. I also told B and C about this, and they also think that A was being unreasonably rude, probably because of some other reason.
This is bothering me, because I want to know if I was really wrong, and if not, I know that A is just being mean.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were very specific in talking to her about your plans and then cut your session short when she came back for bed. She could have put in ear plugs or whatever to mitigate her sleep issues, but she chose not to do anything.
All of this is her problem.” OhioGirl22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she can get earplugs, a white noise machine, and eye masks for sleeping – you should not have to drop what you’re doing the minute she decides to go to sleep, especially if you told her you needed 5-10 minutes and were whispering.
If she is that sensitive, she can 1. Move off campus 2. Request a single. This is part of normal living in a shared room situation. It sounds like you’ve been more than fair. Have you discussed it with the RA? Perhaps there is another person in the dorm who is like her and you guys could swap roommates for the remainder of the year?” ShipComprehensive543
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is part of dorm life. A needs to manage her own sleep issues, especially if you’re taking every reasonable precaution to mitigate making excessive noise and disruptions. And you’re right… It’s your room, too. If A has such difficulty sleeping with a roommate to the point that she needs absolute silence and everyone in the room has to rigidly adhere to a noise/disturbance ban, she needs to either wear earplugs or move into a single room.” AffectionateYoung300
16. AITJ For Calling Out My Host For Doubling The Guest List At A Potluck?
“A couple weeks ago, a few neighbors and I (39M) had a themed potluck (a total of about 8 adults).
Nothing crazy or atypical – everyone was to make one dish of a certain genre and share it among the group. No problem: I made my dish, everybody else did too, and then we arrived at a packed backyard!
Unbeknownst to the group, the hostess (43F) had invited nine of her friends, none of whom brought anything, along with her elder son who she said she wanted to invite because, and I quote her, “He hates paying for his own food and groceries and wanted to load up.” The food went pretty quickly, seeing as there were about ten people there whom nobody knew he had to cook for.
When my dish ran out, the hostess said to me, “Do you not know how a potluck works?? You were supposed to cook enough for everyone!” and muttered about how she thought it was rude that people didn’t make enough food for the entire group.
I felt myself turn red and said, “Brenda (name changed for privacy), there are ten extra people here who didn’t bring anything… I thought it was just going to be the eight of us… I feel like you tricked us into catering a party you didn’t want to pay for!”
Nothing really came of that comment immediately, or so I thought. In the following days, neighbors began to tell me that “Brenda” had been saying that I’m rude, inconsiderate, a terrible person, that I embarrassed her in front of her friends, and so on, as well as that she had been relatively ignoring me aside from a couple very short text messages.
I asked the other neighbors if they knew about this before, and nobody else had been informed either.
I’m Italian. I love cooking for people, hosting people, etc., and I know if I had known there would be almost 20 people at this function – 10 beyond the original plan – I’d have gladly cooked accordingly.
It felt weird to me for someone to host a “potluck with a few neighbors” but then invite ten extra random people none of us really knew who didn’t bring anything. As mentioned, I felt like we had been tricked into providing food for her party she just didn’t call a “party.” What if the rest of us had wanted to invite a friend or some other neighbors?
I scoured text threads in case it was something I totally missed, but messages from as recent as the night before mentioned this was between 8 people. Brenda has been known to make odd choices and do odd things that seem to lack consideration for others, but people have been telling me I shouldn’t have said anything because she hosted the event and could invite whoever she wanted, that I hurt her feelings unnecessarily, that it wasn’t a big deal, and that I’m a grumpy, belligerent person.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Brenda and her guests who didn’t bring food are the jerks in this situation. She probably figured that there would be enough leftovers that she could double the number of attendees and not need any more food. Kind of a ‘loaves and fishes’ moment.” No_Philosopher_1870
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, what you said was totally correct. Everyone brings something to a potluck. Not everyone has to bring food, but you can’t invite nine people who all bring nothing. Anyway, you probably said what was on nearly everyone’s mind. Even in her friends’ shoes, I’d be livid and embarrassed if I was invited to a party and it turned out to be a potluck party.
Yeah, thanks Brenda, I really appreciate feeling like I crashed a potluck party /s.” First-Industry4762
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People seem to think that plans and decisions don’t matter anymore. Speaking the truth is always a risky move, but she attacked you first and you responded with the truth.
This is her problem, not yours or any of the other guests that actually brought food. The fact that this type of thing is not an unusual happening should also give you some solace; ‘odd’ is probably a good way to put it. Don’t engage with her or others about it going forward – this is done, and everyone needs to just get over it.
If it is brought up again, refuse to fall for the bait and move the conversation in another direction. She doesn’t sound like someone that would make a very good friend; perhaps you could find a replacement.” Grymflyk
15. AITJ For Dropping Out To Marry And Work Instead Of Fulfilling My Parents' Expectations?
“I (19 FtM) recently made some big life decisions—I decided to drop out of college, go into a trade, work at a plant, and marry my fiancée.
When I told my parents, things got messy. For context, my parents are divorced and absolutely despise each other. They couldn’t even come together when I was struggling with my mental health. My dad was initially supportive—he said “Okay,” agreed to give me the car, and told me I’d have to get my own phone plan, which I understood.
I also talked to my mom’s sister about my plans, and she told me I have a solid plan and that she’s always there if I need her. That reassurance meant a lot, especially considering what happened next.
Out of nowhere, my mom called asking about my plans.
When I told her, my dad suddenly joined the conversation, which was weird since they never speak. He started pushing for me to stay in college (which I’m not doing great in), then go into a trade, which didn’t make sense to me.
He also went on about how relationships don’t work, using his three baby mamas as an example, and basically told me not to settle down.
Then my mom jumped in, saying it “wasn’t fair” to them because they put me in prestigious schools (which I hated and told them I hated).
I told them they act like my life is their redo, and my mom started complaining that I don’t call her enough or make her my priority. I told her my priority is my life and my fiancée.
That’s when she randomly asked if my fiancée’s mom or dad calls her.
(For context, her mom kicked her out, and her dad isn’t in her life.) I told her that had no relevance, and my dad suddenly started guilt-tripping me, saying he lost his mom and wished he could call her.
I told them I don’t want to make it seem like I don’t want to talk to them, but I’m tired of the mental and emotional mistreatment from my mom.
She immediately hung up. Now my dad keeps calling, telling me I was wrong, even though he also admitted my mom mistreated him and that when they divorced, she just redirected it toward me. So, AITJ for standing my ground and prioritizing my own life over their expectations, especially when my aunt thinks I have a solid plan?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have to decide what is best for your life. You do what is best for you. If that is a trade school, go for it. Your parents don’t like it? Too bad. It is your life. Get away from them supporting you.
Pay your own bills, and get out of their houses. Then you can cut them off if you need to. They do not get to dictate your life.” Fickle_Toe1724
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stand your ground. It’s your life, not theirs! It sounds like they’re going ‘learn from our mistakes,’ but their mistakes are things that happened because of who they are as people and how they handle themselves.
There’s a big difference between ‘Those wings are made of wax, don’t fly too close to the sun’ and ‘hold yourself back because I messed up.’ You’re a different person from them and you’re gonna be okay.” dalniente36
14. AITJ For Arranging My Father's Memorial Without My Grandmother And Aunt's Input?
“I (29 F) lost my father in 2022. I took it upon myself to make the arrangements, and I didn’t want to leave anyone out, so I included my grandmother and aunt on my dad’s side. But it was a mistake from the beginning. I asked them to pick out little things, like what to put on prayer cards and any pictures they had, so I could make a slideshow because my dad knew how he wanted things done if he passed. My grandmother, however, took it upon herself to change things.
My dad wasn’t a religious man, so we asked one of his friends who is a pastor to speak at the memorial, but my grandmother decided she would find a priest of her choice without telling us. My aunt would only send me pictures of her kids to put in the slideshow.
They tried to pocket some of the money that his friends were raising to help us with the costs. They gave away a lot of his ashes to a bunch of family members who never even spent time with, or in my opinion cared for, my dad because his family saw him as a cash cow.
They even tried to put themselves and my aunt’s kids first in the obituary, placing me, his four other children, and his three grandchildren at the very bottom. The worst part, which still hurts me to this day, is my aunt telling me that my two oldest sisters shouldn’t be helping with the memorial because “They aren’t even his real kids.”
The final straw was dividing his belongings. My mom, sisters, and I cleared out his house and picked out what we wanted to keep. My aunt and grandmother didn’t help at all but told us not only did they want first pick of his stuff, but they also wanted to keep the majority of it.
We only took what was important to us.
When we finished deciding what we wanted, we told them we would overnight mail it, and one of my two older sisters offered to pay. My grandmother said to give everything to my cousin and that she would drive everything to them in Dallas, but it felt suspicious, so we agreed we would overnight mail everything to ensure they received it.
This made my grandmother and aunt furious. They called me, yelling and blaming me for them feeling left out of the memorial, for not giving them anything of my dad’s, and for how unfair all of it was, because they were my dad’s most immediate family.
After everything that happened, the stress and all the feelings I had been trying so hard to hide to avoid worrying my family came out, and I lost it. I yelled at them about how my sisters and I are the ones who lost our dad and that all they were thinking about was themselves.
They tried to gaslight me and make it about them, but I couldn’t get them to listen to what I was trying to say, so I hung up on them, crying.
I have not seen or heard from them, or anyone on my dad’s side of the family, since then.
They also do not reach out or let me know when they’re in town. I did run into my grandmother once when I was out with my mom, but she wouldn’t even look at me when I tried to talk to her. She would only look at and respond to my mom.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they are literal vultures circling over a dead body (no offense to your dad, I’m sorry for your loss truly). But their behavior is worse than animals. They never had any say as you and your immediate family are direct heirs of your dad.
They aren’t entitled to any of his belongings unless he specifically stated what he wanted them to have in a will. Only mail them what he specifically gave them in a will. If there’s nothing, then mail nothing.” IAmTAAlways
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone who’s lost some close family lately, that is absolutely disgusting behaviour from them to demand such things and continue to nag and whine about every little thing even though you really seem to be compromising with your sisters.
My condolences about your father, I’m sure he would’ve appreciated everything you’ve been doing to honour his legacy.” [deleted]
13. AITJ For Insisting On A Smoke-Free Environment For My Baby?
“My partner (G) and I have been having the same argument for over a year now.
For context, G has his apartment with his mum and owns the car that we use to transport the kids (one together plus mine from prior relationships). I have my own apartment.
While I was pregnant, I told G I didn’t want the baby (H) at his place because G and his mum smoked in the apartment.
Also, I do not want H’s seat in a vehicle in which people smoke. We needed to relocate temporarily to his place when H was approximately 2 months old, as I was fixing walls in my apartment. Before we went, G insisted that his mum had deep cleaned the whole apartment and hadn’t smoked in it since.
I believed G because I didn’t think someone would lie about something that can negatively affect an infant’s health, let alone multiple other children’s.
We were there for a couple of months, and multiple times, I found that his mum had been smoking in the apartment, just covering the bassinet with a blanket.
When I talked to G about it, he got defensive and said I was making a big thing out of nothing. We were back at my place later that week. There were a few other times when we would visit, and you could tell smoking had occurred in the apartment, so I just stopped going for a while.
G’s mum had to go away for a week, and G insisted we go to his. I brought up the smoke issue again, and he snapped at me that he was going to deep clean the apartment and left. When G calmed down and came back, he told me he had cleaned everything except the couches.
Again, I believed him and went to his for the rest of the week. We spent a couple of weeks there a month or so later because G didn’t feel safe leaving me on my own due to medical issues. I have not been back since with H because anytime I’m there to grab something for G, there are used ashtrays and a smell of stale smoke.
A couple of months ago, G got into a car accident involving the base for our infant seat in the car, as well as one of my other children’s seats. We have just recently replaced both seats and got a convertible for H, which has brought the issue up again.
I know I’m the jerk for not standing firm on the no car seats/kids in a car where G smokes. But when we got the convertible seat, G asked if I wanted to put it in his car, and I told him that the infant seat can still be used for now, allowing him the freedom to keep smoking in his car because the infant seat comes out easily.
It’s been a week since then, and G asked me if I wanted to store the big seat in his trunk for now, to which I replied in the negative due to the trunk not being completely isolated from where he smokes and H’s frequent respiratory infections.
When I said that, G went off, saying that I’m telling him he has to give up the one place that’s his where he can smoke. I told him, “No, just don’t smoke with the seat in the car.” G went on a tangent after that, again, about how he doesn’t want to constantly take the seat out, etc.
So I’m wondering AITJ for wanting the places H is to be free of smoke?”
Another User Comments:
“You have a baby with respiratory issues and he is pitching a fit about being able to SMOKE around the baby/baby’s furniture?????? Girl, throw the whole man away!
He has no respect for you or for your children. If he loved his child he wouldn’t ever risk making it sick like that. He and his mom have continuously disrespected you, lied to you, and put your child at risk. There is NO excuse.
NTJ. Do better for yourself and your kids.” AccomplishedFace4534
Another User Comments:
“I agree with you that kids should not be around smoking, but why even be with your partner if you are against smoking? I am pretty sure your partner was smoking before you had a kid with him.
My thing is that your partner is the father, and he has the right for your kid to be in his space. What happens if you guys break up and he gets visitation? You will literally not be able to control if he smokes around your child.
I would focus your energy on trying to help your partner quit smoking, and I would make him invest in a purifier.” Upset-Afternoon-25
Another User Comments:
“My mom’s smoking meant I had bronchitis at least twice a year until I was about 15, and even though I’m over 30 now and don’t spend any time in places where smoking takes place, it left my lungs permanently damaged. So if I get even a tiny cold, it’s always a full-blown infection, and I struggle a lot with lung capacity.
Even after being told by a doctor that she was the cause, she refused to even go out in the garden to smoke, so NTJ and you’ll never be TA for protecting your baby from what IS a very big deal. I can’t explain how much it sucks to be limited in what I do due to someone else’s choice and refusal to put me first. Nobody ever asked her to quit, or even clean the furniture, but she refused to do even the bare minimum of going outside to smoke because it was “her house” and I didn’t rate high enough in importance versus any of her addictions.” GobClob
12. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Roommate Bring Their Bully Into My Apartment?
“Long story short, my roommate (RM) is moving out slowly to move in with their partner. Yay, hooray, congrats; I am genuinely happy for them. It’s taking RM longer than expected to come get the last of their things, like the bed and heavy boxes, which RM says is just garbage and needs to be taken out to the dumpsters.
I just don’t want to move any of the stuff without RM, just in case some of it is not garbage.
Anyway, RM was supposed to come by today and move stuff with their partner, but they let me know this morning that their partner was not available and the only other person was a mutual contact, who I do not want anywhere near me.
Let’s call them AP (awful person). We were all coworkers, and this person, AP, was and is awful to me and continued to harass me at my new job. I have told RM before, in no uncertain terms, that I do not want this person in my apartment ever, to prevent AP from adding more fuel to the hate fire they already have towards me.
My roommate said that AP was the only one available (“at no notice” per RM, they’ve been mostly moved out for 3 weeks), and now is giving me the silent treatment over me saying that this was a hard boundary.
A bit of context on the timeline: RM gave notice at the beginning of September and has not paid for any of October rent.
I have also been asking for over 2 weeks when RM will move the rest of the stuff, so I can potentially get another roommate soon. I feel like I have been very generous that I’m letting RM store their stuff for this long for free, and basically let them do whatever while they lived here.
This was my one and only hard boundary that I have made in the year+ that we’ve been living together, and that’s not to let AP, my Bully, into my apartment. This isn’t even a new rule, as RM has known for 5+ months that I never want AP in my apartment.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but stop being nice. Tell the roommate they have a week to get the crap out of the room and send them a request for part of the rent. Inform them that anything that stays will be thrown out and start looking for new roommates ASAP.
You are being used. It’s time to move on. Look for roommates and use this as a reason to have them moved out.” journeyintopressure
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You set a boundary. Roommate is moving out and knows better than to ask AP over to help them move.
I’d do the same thing in your place. You might have to set another boundary and give the ex-roommate a time limit to have their stuff out so you can get a new roommate. At this point, they may retaliate by slow walking the moving process even further.” Street-Dark-7221
11. AITJ For Withholding Attention From My Manipulative Mother After Losing My Sister?
“My mom gets along with my younger sister, but we don’t get along much because, and I quote, “You are a difficult child.” She always tells me that I have to know what’s on her mind and do it instead of her explicitly telling me.
I used to feel so alone; I would cry many times in my room, but she wouldn’t check on me or ask how I was doing.
She usually relies on my younger sister; she would call her if we were out together and send my sister to tell me things instead of telling me herself.
When I confronted her and asked why she never checked on me, she blamed me and said that she did. Funny enough, for the next two weeks, she kept coming to my room, but then she went back to her old ways.
I always tried to fix my relationship with her because I believed I was a difficult child.
One time, I forgot my keys at a restaurant, and she made me feel so guilty to the point that she started crying and saying her favorite line, “You are a difficult child,” among other things. Whatever I shared with her, she would tell everyone else.
I once told her that it hurt me, and I actually stopped telling her things. A few days later, my dad talked to me, saying my mother needed attention and that I had to apologize for not giving her attention. I felt guilty, so I said sorry.
Two years later (I still live with my parents 16F), my younger sister passed away (it’s been four months), and I am sick of my mom. I stopped talking to her again. The same scenario is happening: my dad talked to me and said my mother is tired and taking medication, and that I have to be there for her and give her attention.
He said I’m giving more attention to my cats than to my own mother, who gave birth to me and raised me. All I could think was that I just hope he doesn’t threaten to take away my cats. I just simply don’t feel sorry for her.”
10. AITJ For Ending My Roommate's Tenancy Despite His Troubled Mental Health?
“I (26 M) live with two other people; however, I am the sole person on the lease. My one roommate, “James”, has consistently caused issues since he moved in.
In the first month, he claimed he wasn’t able to pay any of the prorated rent for July, and my landlord ended up knocking some of it off because James was doing odd jobs for her around the house and her own home. I didn’t think much of it and hoped it was a one-time thing.
It happened again in August, heightening my fear that this would turn into a recurring pattern. I was correct about that, even with an okay period for about two months. After those two months, the pattern continued. It got to a point where I had him sign a contract stating that he’d have to leave if he was late on rent or utilities in the future, after I covered his rent for one month (he did pay me back).
This past month, his mental health has declined significantly. He has not worked except for one day, nor has he finished a project he promised the landlord would be completed by the end of last week. He’s showing signs that he might relapse. All of that, in addition to the other incidents I’ve had with James, left me concerned and convinced me that something needed to change.
I finally reached out to people I trust and explained everything in detail, including the most recent incident, and was told it was time to tell him that his tenancy was to be ended. I agreed, and went on a week-long research and talking trip to cover my butt and then finally spoke to him.
I told him I couldn’t continue to enable his habits and behaviors, that I no longer felt mentally safe or comfortable with everything that has happened, and that he has to find another living arrangement. I am doing all of this legally, and my landlords know that they will have to take over if it goes to court.
James was hurt; however, I offered to work with him and help him within my capacity.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Situation sucks and you shouldn’t have to put up with that. It’s nice that you’re willing to help him as much as possible moving forward; hopefully, he appreciated that.
With that said, tenant law is extremely complicated and varies from state to state. I don’t know the details of your agreement with James, but it sounds informal and arranged through you, not your landlord. I bring this up because, for example, in my situation, subleasing individuals or more than one individual residing in a dwelling would have a contract through the landlord, not through the tenants.
This would then mean that in my state, the landlord has the ability to evict tenants, not renters. I’m glad your landlord sounds like he’s on board. Hopefully, James doesn’t have some sort of squatters’ rights at this point. Best of luck.” Remarkable-World9396
9. AITJ For Tossing My Uncle's Belongings On The Curb In Retaliation?
“So I own a home, and for the last few years I have had my grandmother living here with me. This is because I used to stay with her and my grandfather a lot as a child, and she isn’t much of a bad roommate in general.
In the city I live in, we have a curbside collection service which is done every few years (depending on how our council feels). This basically allows residents to throw anything they want to get rid of (that they wouldn’t normally be able to fit into their normal rubbish bins) onto the nature strip in front of their house, and garbage men will come along and take it away.
Now my uncle (my grandmother’s son, who lives with me) asked me if I could keep some of his possessions in my house while he moved. Keep in mind this was a few years ago, and since then he has purchased and sold a few properties (he is wealthy) and has never collected any of the stuff he kept in my house.
Recently, while I was at work, he showed up randomly and offered to give my grandmother a hand in moving items to the curb for collection. During this time, he removed the boxes I was keeping for my video and visual equipment in case I wanted to move them in a secure container (the products do come in very secure packaging).
I noticed them on the curb as I was driving in from work and had to do a double take.
I asked my grandmother why they were there, and she said that my uncle told her that they were just taking up space and that I wouldn’t need them, so she agreed and he put them on the curb.
I was furious at this and decided that I would throw some of his vinyls and books on the curb for the same reasons. Since then they have been collected and are gone forever, and my uncle is calling what I did “theft and destruction of his property” and that I am a jerk who needs to reimburse him.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH – Don’t seek to destroy other people’s property. It’s criminal, for both of you. Both of you are jerks. You both attempted to destroy each other’s property. You succeeded, he didn’t. Neither of these actions are ok. I would have understandably been upset to see my things out for collection if I were you.
But I would’ve responded more like an adult by putting my uncle on notice that his stuff had to go. You opened yourself up to legal and civil liability once you started destroying or seeking to destroy your uncle’s belongings. It doesn’t matter how long they were there, you were securely storing his things.
You can’t just get rid of them on a whim. At least not without potential consequences.” ILikeRedditNPrivacy
Another User Comments:
“ESH but most YTJ. Yes, your uncle has taken advantage of you by using your home as a free storage facility, but you could have given him written notice to remove his possessions.
He was 100% wrong to take your boxes to the pickup and your granny was wrong to authorize him to do it. But tossing some of his stored items was not equitable or legal retaliation. FWIW, why didn’t your gran call him and tell him to come get the stuff of his that you were carrying to the curb?
Is she still mentally competent or is she going along with whoever speaks last?” lonnielee3
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and a petty one at that. You clearly did it for revenge and it was disproportionate. He put out empty boxes that you don’t really need, because you can pack something in any box.
You then took vinyl and books to be thrown out just to irritate him. What are you, 12?” StoneAgePrue
8. AITJ For Refusing To Move To North Dakota For My In-Laws' Sake?
“My husband (39M) grew up in North Dakota, and I (34F) was born and raised in Colorado, where we reside now. His parents are constantly on him about moving back to North Dakota. However, he has a nine-year-old daughter who is still clearly being raised. His parents want us to move to North Dakota so badly that they even say things like, “You can’t live somewhere for your kid.”
They only say that because they despise his daughter’s mother because she’s the whole reason he settled in Colorado just as he wanted. He tells me all the time that North Dakota had nothing more to offer him and that he was ready for that change.
They say this kind of stuff so haphazardly, not realizing how much pressure it adds to my husband and our marriage. Additionally, on our most recent trip to see them, they make comments suggesting they might not be alive by the time his daughter graduates from high school in eight years.
His father is (67M) and his mother (75F).
His oldest daughter was raised in Colorado and gets all the praise from them for being so awesome because her dad did an amazing job raising her. If it weren’t for him raising her, she wouldn’t be who she is today.
But when it comes to his youngest, he’s told that he can’t live in Colorado just for her. His father then goes on to make more comments, saying I would never leave Colorado because it is all I’ve ever known and that will get in the way of them having their son back home.
I think what bothers me is not only that my husband’s parents suggest that he move away from his kid so he can make them happy in North Dakota, but also that it’s only about what will make THEM happy. My husband created a life here with a woman he ended up divorcing, had a child, got married to me, and now I’m having to hear all of this toxicity.
His mom and dad are so into themselves and what they want that they will trample over anyone and anything that gets in their way. AITJ that I’ve gotten to the point where I’m almost tempted to tell him to move to North Dakota and see how it goes for him because I won’t be here if he chooses to come back?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is bizarre (in the extreme) to think that a 39M who has lived in Colorado for a good portion of his life would move away from his kid to be close to his parents in North Dakota. That’s a good distance, but still easy enough for frequent visits (and visits at all are not necessary, even).
What I did not get from your post is, how does hubby feel about the bizarro suggestion that he should move to North Dakota, just because his parents are there? In any case, why would wifey want to move to North Dakota when she has zero ties there?
NTJ” North_Badger6101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are watching out for you and your daughter’s life. They are trying to uproot you completely. Moving is hard on adults. They must know it’s even worse on kids who are still growing and maturing.
They need the consistency. They need to stop making this about them.” another_ginger13
Another User Comments:
“OP, you’re not changing your minds and they’re not going to change their minds, so just keep telling them you’re working on things as best as you can and when you’re able to make it happen, they’ll be the first ones you’ll tell.
You’re not necessarily lying to them but simply placating them because they’re too old to change their minds about being selfish and your husband is trying to be a dutiful son. It’s not a true win-win situation, but it’s something you just have to ignore.” NumbersGuy22
7. AITJ For Confronting Inattentive Drive-Thru Employees At A Canadian Coffee And Donut Shop?
“This happened Monday at an iconic Canadian coffee and donut shop named after a hockey player. It’s not like I have high expectations, and it’s certainly not that these sorts of things have never happened before, but on Monday I hit my limit and inadvertently caused a walkout of customers.
I had gone in with my kid (f12) to get a quick bite to eat on the road as we were on our way to her out-of-town softball game. We were the only customers in the store at that point, but there was a steady stream at the drive-thru window.
At that same window, there were four employees who did not acknowledge us in any way. Two were leaning against the counter with their arms crossed, happily chatting with their colleagues.
After about 90 seconds of being ignored, and I admit I was irritated, I piped up with something to the effect that customers who actually made the effort to come in were important too.
The older woman, who, to be fair, seemed to be the only one actually working, responded that there were only four of them, to which I said it seemed like three too many. By this point, other customers had entered the store and lined up behind.
Eventually, a fifth employee appeared from the back and took my order, while the other employees enjoyed their chat and made comments about rude customers loud enough to be heard. At this point, and this is where I may be the jerk, I turned to the line of customers behind me, now about five or six deep, and said, “I hope you brought your PJs because you’re going to be here all freaking night.”
As the fifth employee was making my order, the older employee came over and appeared as though she was about to start taking orders for the customers still in line. She fussed around the cash register for a minute and then announced to her colleagues that she was going on her break.
I grabbed my food, turned, and left, muttering “Freaking typical” on my way out.
As I was getting into my car, I noticed that at least three of the customers who had been in line behind me were walking out without any food or drinks.
I accept that I was snippy, but AITJ? Daughter thinks so.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ- They made you wait almost 90 seconds- shameful! And 2 were actually talking to each other instead of seeing to you- unbelievable! Then they took your order and gave you your items WITHOUT begging your forgiveness- how dare they!
Finally, as you were leaving and making your little quippy quip, an employee had the nerve to take a break- quelle horreur! People like you make service jobs suck.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ drive-thru workers are not supposed to help you, and waiting for 90 seconds is a minute and a half, that’s literally not a long time at all.
Also, the ppl behind you probably didn’t mind waiting as they realized the workers were busy with drive-through orders, and that not many ppl were working; empathy goes such a long way.” thecircleofmeep
Another User Comments:
“These people commenting about them being drive-thru workers- why would they only have people working drive-thru?
Regardless of this, they made no effort to let the “correct” workers know people needed assistance somehow, I find it hard to believe that their boss would have been satisfied. That doesn’t really suffice as an excuse for me anyway because they’re either just showing malicious compliance or pathetic customer service.
Both reasons make the employees jerks.” jen_amour
6. AITJ For Not Bringing My Partner Around My Homophobic Family?
“I’m 21f, I am a lesbian.
When I was 14, I came out to my mom. She was very accepting of me and ordered me a pride flag. Two days later, when the pride flag arrived, she took my phone and my pride flag away from me and didn’t let me have them back until I came out to my dad.
It took me by surprise. It was very hard for me to say it, so I ended up making up a whole story. My dad asked me if it was easier for me to just say that I was gay, and I said yes. I came out to him.
Some reasons why I don’t want to tell my family when I have a partner:
1. My brother constantly calls me homophobic slurs all the time and keeps saying “gay people are selfish for putting pleasure above reproduction purposes.”
2. My parents say they’re supportive and accepting, but I can feel that they aren’t.
My mom always talks about my future husband, completely ignoring the fact that I don’t want a husband; I want a wife.
3. My dad always gets embarrassed when I wear pride stuff in public (e.g., I have a hat that says “queer liberation is for everyone.”).
He asks me to take it off so I don’t get any attention. My dad also believes that “people turn gay after they get sa’d,” which really hurts to hear.
4. Since I didn’t get to come out to the rest of my family when I wanted, I feel like this is the closest I can get to coming out on my own terms.
My last straw was when we went out to eat, and my brother called me another homophobic slur. I told him that he’s being mean, and he said he wasn’t because it was true. I tried explaining to him that it doesn’t matter and that it’s very hurtful to call me that.
He didn’t really listen to me at all, which caused me to say, “I’ll never bring my partner over to meet any of you because you make me feel uncomfortable with being myself.” My parents got upset with me, and my brother didn’t talk to me.
I feel like I’m in the right, but I’m not sure. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re an adult and your love life is your own personal business. Especially with your family being homophobic, this just gives them an opportunity to spew more hate.
Sorry that you’re going through this OP, it’s 2023 and I don’t understand how homophobes still exist.” yemi-yemi
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk. Honey, let me tell you, you shouldn’t be forced to come out to ANYONE! You should come out on your own terms, even if that means not at all.
I’m gonna be honest with you: I think when you move out you should lose contact with them. What they are doing ain’t healthy for you or your future wife. Your family, on the other hand, imma give them a 4/5 rating and your brother a rare 5/5 rating for being a jerk.
You stay true to yourself, and don’t let them bring you down.” ShadyFox2003
5. AITJ For Paying For An Associate's Children And Getting Called Arrogant?
“I used to be in a wealthy job field but was miserable in life for years. I changed my life and took a “poor” people job that gave me a lot more free time and less stress. I kept a low profile at work and almost never got bothered or interacted with any of my co-workers.
Somehow, I have gotten pay raises over the years to where I can pretty much buy whatever I want, even though I swear I don’t go above and beyond.
I went to an all-you-can-eat with several co-workers and associates. Those 8 and under paid a lower price ($12).
Adults were charged around $22. One of my associates, Mary (not friend level but just below that; a nice lady), has really tall twins. The boy is 5’11 and the girl is 5’9 at eight years old. So the counter lady wanted to charge them as adults because they didn’t believe they were 8.
Of course, no 8-year-olds have ID to prove they are that young. And Mary kept arguing with the counter person that her kids were 8.
There are about 15 of us, and we want to eat. I said I would pay for her kids and let’s eat.
$45 could go missing from my account and I wouldn’t notice. I understand the principle of it. Mary isn’t wrong. Her kids should get charged less. But I couldn’t care less about the money. I wouldn’t miss it, and it would make everyone’s day easier.
I don’t blame the counter person for not believing that her kids are that young. I thought Mary was just upset I intervened because of the principle of it. Nope. She and a couple of others said I was trying to throw my money in her face.
I swear I wasn’t.
I left a 300k-plus job for a 36k job and was so happy and unbothered. It’s just happenstance and dumb luck that I now get paid several times more. I do not judge people based on income. I guess I wasn’t convincing because some of them weren’t hearing it.
But I was getting annoyed as if I had solved the issue. Who cares what my intentions were, even though I swear they were pure. AITJ for paying for an associate’s children to eat instead of letting her continue to handle it.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think YTJ for offering to pay, but the way this whole post is written is cringe-worthy. Did you have to call it a “‘poor’ people job”? You mention how much money you make various times throughout the post in a very arrogant way.
I’m assuming that’s how you act IRL so your kind gesture was misconstrued as showy. To summarize, NOT the jerk for offering to pay, but YES the jerk for constantly talking about how much money you have/make.” NoSidePiece
4. AITJ For Not Reminding My Direct Report To Submit Her Timesheet On Time?
“I (27f) manage a team of 9 individuals. Our job is 100% remote. One of my direct reports, let’s call her Jane (30f), has been working for me for going on two years. Ever since she started working, I have consistently needed to remind her to turn in her timesheet.
I have set the expectation that they are due Fridays before payday by noon Eastern Standard Time.
Even with this, I would still have to reach out to her nearly every time at the end of the workday because she never turns it in on time.
I have even added a calendar reminder for every payday where the title is specific, “Timesheets due at 12 PM.” Every person on my team has this reminder, and every other person gets their timesheet in at a timely manner. I even had a coaching session about time management and setting time aside for administrative things like data entry and timesheets being updated in a timely manner about six months into her time working with me.
I have strict boundaries about the time I spend working because when you are remote, it’s easy to fall into the habit of working when you are not being paid, so I log off and forget about work at 5 o’clock on the dot every day.
Last week, it was time for her to turn in her timesheet and by 5:00 PM she had still not turned in the timesheet. Instead of texting her personal cell phone to remind her like I usually do when she doesn’t complete it in time, I logged off and forgot about it.
Fast forward to payday, and she messaged me that she did not receive her check. I asked her, “Did you turn in your timesheet?” and she said, “No, I forgot.” If you don’t turn in your timesheet on time, accounts payable is not able to direct deposit your checking account and has to mail you a physical check, though they will overnight it.
She was upset with me because she felt like I should have reminded her even though it is on her calendar and it is the same expectation that it has always been for the past few years.
Am I the jerk for not reminding her to turn in her timesheet, causing her check to be delayed?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You’ve done more than enough to help her. She’s an adult and should be responsible enough to do her own stuff. There is one caveat, how much does the timesheet affect her pay? Like, do you list how many hours were spent on Project A, Project B, and Project C?
So the correct project is billed. Or is it like my timesheet where I only put if I took time off?” rokar83
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and you are possibly breaking the law. There are laws in place about when people need to be paid based on when they worked. This is part of being a manager, and sometimes you have to stay on people’s ass about it.
If she needs other punishments, like a PIP, so be it. But holding someone’s check isn’t the way to go. https://www.askamanager.org/2023/07/boss-uses-therapy-to-analyze-our-interactions-former-coworker-listed-me-as-her-manager-and-more.html” cuervoguy2002
3. AITJ For Telling Off My Mother-In-Law For Her Disrespectful Remarks About My Partner's Father?
“My partner Kyle (27M) and I (26F) spent a few days at his mother’s Mary (50F? thereabouts) in January. Mary is what people call “a character.” She has no understanding of boundaries, overshares, and can be very rude. She is the type that picks a vegan restaurant and then complains to the waitress that they don’t have bacon & eggs.
Kyle wants to have a good relationship with her, but it’s hard. I’m polite with Mary, but spending time with her is difficult. I actually suggested the trip because she regularly complains that Kyle spends more time with his father than with her, and I know it makes him feel bad.
One evening towards the end of the trip, we were all sitting together watching TV, and the conversation drifted to Kyle’s father, John. John is a generally good guy, and both Kyle and I have a good relationship with him. Mary & him were never together as a couple.
Mary started saying mean things about Kyle’s father, then suddenly went off about him, telling us how he’s a terrible person and now he’s got a cushy little life because of “all the money from the settlement.” Kyle’s father is a victim of malpractice. He went in for a routine operation and ended up heavily handicapped. He almost died and had to stop working.
He sued and got money from the hospital.
I got angry and told her to stop this type of talk and that, considering he almost died and was handicapped for life, it was hardly “cushy.” She told me she could say whatever she liked and that he’d made her life hard back in the days so she could be mean now.
I answered that I didn’t have to stay and listen to this type of crap and left for bed.
Afterwards, Kyle told me he hadn’t said anything because he was so used to it, but he was happy I’d told her to stop.” The next day, she didn’t talk about the argument.
Three weeks after we left, Kyle called her to get some news. She told him that we had hurt her when we were at her place, and that she found my attitude disrespectful and mean. I feel kind of insane right now. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yes, technically she can say whatever she wants, but you are not required to stay and listen, nor is she exempt from the consequences (you leaving) or reactions to those words. She sounds like a bitter and negative person who needed to be called out on her BS, which you did.
Maybe next time she’ll think twice about what she’s going to say.” Special_Respond7372
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s “allowed” to talk crap about whoever she wants to, but you did the right thing by disagreeing with her and then removing yourself from the situation.
Unless you’re getting angry was like a 9/10 and her complaining was like a 3/10, I don’t think you’re a jerk or it really counts as ‘telling off.'” cofencehopper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You do NOT have to listen to anyone’s verbal diarrhea. She clearly loves to revel in being someone who is a victim.
Time to talk to Kyle about limited contact that you will have with her. She is toxic; he needs to know that he also does not need to live like that.” SliceEquivalent825
2. AITJ For Prioritizing Savings Over A Symbolic Ring Upgrade?
“My wife recently lost her wedding band/engagement ring. Fortunately, we had the engagement ring insured. However, depending on how much we get back from insurance, she is seeing this as an opportunity to upgrade the ring.
She also wants to spend 800 dollars on a new wedding band since that was not insured.
Overall, we make good money. But we just spent all our savings on a wedding and now a new car when hers got stolen. She would also like to prioritize saving for a down payment on a house.
To me, getting whatever engagement ring from the insurance money and buying a cheap wedding band on Amazon until we build up our savings seems reasonable. I equated it to me not buying a new tablet for use at work since it’s a want versus a need. She is saying that the rings are a need and a symbol of our marriage, and she is very offended that I don’t value our marriage.
It isn’t that I don’t see the symbolism of the rings, but I would love to build up our savings again and even get some money invested in mutual funds before spending another thousand or two dollars on wedding rings. I am not saying we will never buy nice replacement rings, but rather upgrade in 5 years or so when we are in a better financial spot than in the next year when we are still trying to recover from a wedding and a new car.
My wife thinks I’m making a big deal when we can easily replenish a good amount of our savings since we don’t travel internationally or buy luxury brand items. But we do pay 3k in rent in a luxury apartment and have two older dogs.
We are also talking about having kids in a year or two.
Am I the jerk for not seeing the upgrade as a need? What’s wrong with just taking the insurance money to try to get the same sized karat ring that I bought initially and then buying a cheap band until a few years down the line when we are in a better financial spot?
Edit: Some points that I accidentally left out. The rings were lost, but it was during an outdoor activity, and I do not blame her at all. She is normally very careful about the rings.
Also, an important point is that she is currently going to be working 1.5x FT, so she is the primary breadwinner.
But I grew up with money being much more communal within a family, and when I become the primary breadwinner in a few years, I wouldn’t justify big purchases by saying it’s my money…”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Many years ago, I accidentally lost one of my rings (engagement) that was part of a set.
My husband was there when it was lost. It was insured, but the exact match was no longer available in the same size, and so the cost was going to be a few hundred more. My husband refused to pay the difference. We had a young child at the time, and I was not working.
My parents offered to pay the difference, and so I was able to get the replacement. I don’t have or wear any jewellery except my wedding rings, and it is an emotional symbol that many people do value. We are still together, but it still bothers me that I wasn’t worth it to him.
You and your wife just value different things.” TCsleep
Another User Comments:
“I’ll go with NTJ knowing I’m not impartial here. I could not care less about jewelry, and for me the commitment in a couple is a moral and spiritual one that doesn’t require marriage.
I also hate spending money on useless things as my passion is traveling. So I don’t understand your wife’s point of view, and I agree with you. Nevertheless, you got recently married, so it would probably be better to find a compromise. Maybe you can agree on either the engagement ring or the wedding band but not both.
You provide a budget, and she must stick to it.” TwinZylander214
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are much more important things in life than a ring. Honestly, I don’t like her materialistic view on marriage. Yes, wedding rings are a symbol, but not a core value.
So, for me, she needs to settle with buying no more than a ring with the same value and save for a future upgrade. If not, you should talk about priorities in life, because starting a marriage with this mindset is a little worrisome.” Miss_Kitty87
1. AITJ For Demanding My Friend Clean Up Her Hoarder House?
“To cut to the chase, my friend is very dirty. When she first moved into her house, I never realized how bad it was until she broke up with her partner who made her have chores.
When he left, there was no order in her house. It became apparent to me her style of living. Her house is a borderline hoarder home. There is not a spot in her house where there is a clear walkway. It is all clothes, trash, and animal feces.
Her floors are plywood, so they soak it up. The smell is unimaginable.
I’m writing this because she has two dogs (one of them, a bigger breed that NEEDS at least an hour of exercise a day), at least 3 cats, and it kills me knowing they have to live in that.
We’ve gotten into an argument before about her having pets and not caring for them properly. She didn’t talk to me for days, and eventually just apologized and told me that she’s just depressed and it’s hard to do things.
I know what she goes through, and I can understand being depressed, but she does it to herself.
She was having trouble paying bills at her serving job, so I got her a job where there are 37 hours a week and she got a steady paycheck. I also got her unemployed partner a job working there on the weekends. She ended up working double weekends with her partner, and her supervisor even created a schedule just for her.
After a month, she quit because it was too much for her autism (she told me that the job was perfect for an autistic person because EVERYTHING is laid out for you) and it was making her more depressed.
She told me she was going to quit, clean her house up, take a little break, and then get another serving job.
She quit two months ago, still has no job, and her house is the worst I’ve ever seen it. Her partner works two days a week, and she works none, but their house is horrendous and they keep their bigger dog in a crate.
The two times I’ve come over, he’s been in it.
Only one source of water in her house works, so she was coming over to shower. It became apparent she was sometimes only talking to me to use my shower, but was only bathing about 3 times a month.
I feel like every time something is hard, she wants to blame her depression or autism. I’ve offered her so many resources. I was a professional housekeeper. I’ve come over because we have plans to clean, and she no longer feels like it.
I’ve told her to get rid of her bigger dog; she won’t. I feel like she’s hoarding animals. I’ve thought about calling animal control, but I fully believe her house would be foreclosed on if anyone saw it.
I want to hold her accountable, but everyone she’s friends with has stopped talking to her or ditched her already, and she can’t understand why.
She is really sweet, so I don’t want to be the one to break her, but it gets to a point. You can’t walk anywhere in her house without the risk of stepping in crap or urine-soaked clothes. I’m really thinking about telling her to do something, or I will.”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. People don’t live like that because they’re lazy. That doesn’t mean she is entitled to treat animals poorly, but actually people don’t drop down to bathing three times a month and living in filth for fun. You can’t fix her. It’s not your job to fix her.
You can provide honest feedback. You can maintain boundaries, but one more person telling her she’s a screw-up isn’t going to magically make her life better.” Violetmints
Another User Comments:
“Autism has this not-so-fun condition called executive disorder, which makes doing simple tasks so overwhelming you literally cannot get yourself to deal with it, no matter how important it is.
Depression also has very similar effects. Your friend isn’t being lazy. Your friend wants to get this stuff done, and it’s so distressing that they can’t. I deal with both, and honestly, knowing you have to do something and just being absolutely unable to make your body move to do that thing is devastating and only really makes anxiety and depression worse.” HomoSpooktual
Another User Comments:
“Gonna be the outlier here and say no, you wouldn’t be a jerk. Autism and depression are a reason for the behaviors, but not an excuse. They’re an adult. They need to learn to set systems that work with their conditions. You could help by setting up a cleaning and hygiene schedule with things spaced out and timed. Could help them get their place cleaned up in a body doubling situation.
For the animals, I’d just call animal control if she doesn’t get her crap together. Animals don’t deserve to live in filth. If she can’t help herself, then cut her off. You can offer support, but at this point, it’s clear she’s playing victim to her conditions and doing NOTHING to fix it.
That’s not an adult. Call it cruel, but you don’t need that energy in your life. It’s one thing for a slump or an episode, but it sounds like this is just her constant state of being. It’s not fair to you to extend your constant time and your home (shower) to someone who cannot help themselves.
What happens if you need support? Do you think you would get it from her? Think she would show up for you in a similar way? If not, cut her off.” gilly_x3
