PixabaySometimes, your body does things that are downright unexplainable. From terrifying stomach groans in the dead of night to a sudden nosebleed of torrential proportions, the human body is a terribly complex thing.
One of my personal vendettas is my body’s tendency to cry at the most inopportune moments. Specifically, when I’m angry or frustrated at a situation or person. Whether or not I am in the right or well-prepared for an argument is irrelevant. If anything resembling anger or disgust wells in my heart, my brain turns on the tap and out comes the waterworks. Trying to explain to the person I’m having an argument with that I’m not sad, I’m furious, is a constant struggle.
Most of the stories we’ve found are less aggravating and more hilarious. Whether you’ve tooted a “silent but deadly” fart or vomited in a terribly inconvenient location (or worse, both) rest assured that the stories below show solidarity.
37. This Poor Person Had One Of The Silliest And Most Terrifying Moments of Their Entire Life
“Ok, so this may be difficult to convey through text. What you need to know is that my life has been sheltered enough that this ranks as one of the most scared and confusing moments in my life so far.
I woke up one night and immediately realized that something was resting against my right calf. I then realized that it was emitting heat. Then realized that it didn’t have hair. So pretty much I have an alive, non-cat or dog, non-reptile something touching me and I’m frozen with fear.
I slowly look to my side to make sure no ones in bed with me, then slowly peer over the side of the bed to see if someone’s on the floor snaking their hand under the covers to touch me. It’s still on my calf. It feels like human skin. I don’t want to scare whatever it is away because if I don’t find out what it is I can never sleep again.
I’ve been awake for 5 minutes and decide that I will quickly sit up and grab it so I can pin it down and check under the covers to see what it is.
I lurch forward and clasp my hands over… my own ****** left foot. It took me a moment to piece together what had happened.
My left foot had fallen asleep and was so numb that it didn’t register its contact with my other leg. My calf felt the foot resting on it, but the foot didn’t have any feeling left to notify my brain that it was resting on my calf. I had just thought that my other foot was extended straight out but it had become bent at the ankle and fallen asleep.
I’ve never felt stupider or more relieved.” uniquealltheworld
36. She Let Out The Longest Fart In History And Nearly Died Of Laughter
“I have IBS and get really insanely distended stomach full of gas when I eat certain foods. It looks like there’s a basketball under my skin and it’s all gas. My boyfriend of a year or so knew about my IBS but hadn’t really experienced the worst of it. One day we were hanging out at my apartment and I had my big gas belly. He knew what that meant so I excused myself to my room to try and fart some of it out.
He decides to come in to show me something on his phone as I’m laying on my bed with my knees up, trying to coax the gas out. He starts laughing at the sight, I start laughing, I feel an epic release of gas coming and I try to tell him to leave ASAP but I’m also laughing…
Between the laughter and the position I was in, I couldn’t hold it back. I let out the loudest, LONGEST fart in history. At first, but then as it kept going on and on, his face changed from laughter to surprise to shock mixed with what looked like a twinge of sadness.
Watching him go through so many emotions right on his face just made me laugh harder, so the fart just kept going.
After what feels like an eternity he steps out of the room, hands over his mouth. He comes back in and the fart is finishing off with a final toot toot toot. He is speechless. The first thing he says is ‘I feel like I lived 80 years, died, and came back to life again before that fart ended. I just don’t… understand how it was so long and steady. And then it got all Louis Armstrong at the end.’
And that’s how we started calling certain trumpet-like farts ‘Louis.’ Also we moved in together a few months later so my butt performance didn’t deter him too much.” what_the_a
35. Betrayed By Her Body In All The Wrong Ways on Her Wedding Day, She Could Barely Go On -But She Did
“On my wedding day….. but not like you’re imagining.
I woke up at 6 AM, blew up the toilet, but I thought it was just nerves. About an hour later the vomiting starts. Then the poop. Then the vomit. Repeat this cycle for a few hours. My friends are thinking, oh she’s just hungover. ****, I thought it could be that too, I had drunk wine the night before but not in my usual quantities and had gone to bed sober as a judge.
After a while, we all realize this is bigger than a hangover. My mother finally picks me up off the bathroom floor after a few more hours of the **************** game and drags me to urgent care where I burst into tears when they ask what’s wrong.
‘I’m supposed to get married in three hours and the vomiting and diarrhea just won’t stop!’ Ugh. Cringe. So they pump me full of IV fluids and nausea meds. It seems to be helping. I go home and get dressed for my wedding, not so **** when your mom has to help you in your fancy underwear. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. Here comes the red wave to further ruin my day. I’m in awe at this betrayal. (Also, it starts hailing outside as I’m putting my dress on. Between pooping my brains out and not eating, my dress is now too big and is falling down.
And, my wedding is outside.)
This is where I just laugh because there’s nothing left to do. My period is especially infuriating because I’ve been prophylactically taking birth control pills for over three months so I could purposefully skip my heavy and erratic periods on my wedding day (I have an IUD so I already had birth control and wasn’t relying on the pills for baby blocking).
I tell this story to nervous future brides to remind them that your body, and nature for that matter, don’t give a hoot about what day you’ve selected to get married. Luckily my marriage has been much, much better than the wedding but how could it not be.” dogstardust
34. Flying Isn’t Fun When It Comes Out Of Both Ends
Pixabay“I just finished my exams and I had a flight back to California from Boston early morning (I’m talking 5:00 am), unfortunately, it had a layover in Philly because direct flights are a bit pricey for broke-ass college students.
I finish packing and eat a huge burrito in celebration when one of my friends who had also finished calls me and convinces me to come to have a drink with him at the bar. Well, one drink turned into several and several turned into me getting hammered, but it was fine because I figure I’ll just sleep on the plane ride back. Problem solved.
I take a cab to the airport, still plastered, make it through security and onto the plane without incident. They even check my carry-on to my final destination since the plane was too full, smooth sailing. Mission ******* accomplished.
I sit down at the window seat next to some cute girl, drunkenly flirt a bit (didn’t go great), then proceed to pass out. About 30 minutes before we make it to my layover stop the plane hits a bit of turbulence and I wake up; I’ve never really had a problem with a bumpy plane ride, but this one is causing a menacing rumble in my stomach and down in my plums. The feeling starts to build so I grab the bag provided in the seat cover-thing in front of me. Just in case.
Just as the captain announces we have 20 minutes till landing, the inevitable happens… I blow chunks into that paper bag and the vile beer/burrito combination fills that sucker about halfway.
The girl next to me looks over, genuinely concerned, and asks if I’m all right. I keep my face firmly planted in the bag but signal I’m fine. Round 2 arrives just as I give her the thumbs up and the bag completely fills up. I feel a sense of relief and lift my head to admire my handiwork.
As soon as I look down, the bag explodes. Every. *******. Where.
The girl next to me stands up and screams ****** murder, the whole plane, if they hadn’t been staring before sure as **** was now. I stand up and people part like the Red Sea to make way as I run to the bathroom, still clutching the remains of the puke bomb bag.
I make it in there and frantically try to clean myself up before we land. Unfortunately, I was wearing black pants and all my efforts did was a smear that Blue Moon-Burrito combo all over, so I just took them off. I throw up one more time in the bathroom, and the flight attendant tells me to just stay in the bathroom until we land.
Luckily the attendant lets everyone else off first so I don’t have to face their collective judgment. He sees me come out in my underwear with my pants draped over my arm and calmly asks if I have anything to change into.
At this moment I get a sinking feeling in my stomach… they had checked my carry-on to my final destination. I ask if he has any spares (of course the answer was no), so I have to walk through the airport, wait at my next gate, and fly all the way to ******* San Francisco in my underwear, holding vomit-covered pants. He gave me a bag to put them in, but even United Airlines’ plastic bags couldn’t cover my shame that day.
I eventually make it back to California, and my plan was to grab my carry-on as soon as possible, put on some pants, and take public transport home.
Of course, my mom, saint that she is (though at this point I’m starting to doubt her parenting skills), takes the day off work to pick me up. She sees me standing at the baggage claim in my ******* boxers and, unable to come up with a better explanation, I tell her exactly what happened.” c_bass1636
33. He Would Do Almost Anything For A Good Tip
Pixabay“I’m a bartender at a members-only bar and banquet hall on my campus, so it’s mostly professors and local CEOs that hold their banquets and various meetings there. These people usually are friendly but never really overtly talkative to the bartenders like at some places.
Anyway, the club was hosting a very nice/expensive banquet for one of the large businesses in the city, and the CEO (of a Fortune 500 company) turned up which was kind of a big deal. Throughout the evening I had been CHUGGING water because I was bartending and serving so I was running around a lot and sweating my *** off. Naturally, about an hour later, I had to pee like Seabiscuit after a race.
It was at this time that the big deal CEO comes over to the bar, orders a drink, and begins POURING his life story out to me.
Not wanting to be rude/also wanting a nice tip, I was talking back to him and asking about his family, work, yadda yadda. The entire time I had my legs clamped tightly shut and was doing a major potty dance. Trying everything.
It didn’t work. My bladder completely let loose and I began peeing all over the bar floor. The CEO gave me a strange look and asked if I had a faucet on. I laughed hysterically and grabbed the soda gun and started aiming it at the ground with soda water to make it look like I was cleaning the floor.
We continued talking about his daughter’s college career as I stood with p*ss soaked pants.” queenmatilda
32. Nature Called In An Alleyway Before They Went Out For A Night On The Town
Pixabay“I pooped myself one cold winter’s evening, on my way to a nightclub. My best mate and I were walking down to the club, which is about a mile and a half away from where we lived. It was a pretty cold and frosty evening, as we got close I figured there’d be a bit of a queue and it’d be worthwhile nipping into a dark corner and having a p*ss.
I duck into an alleyway and start to p*ss. Out of nowhere and with no warning I just eject a stream of hot l**********iquid* *** all down the back of my legs. I was wearing beige/khaki combats, and I’m fairly sure I was steaming gently.
There’s basically *** all I can do now. I am as far from my house as I was going to get that evening. I just walk out, tell my mate I’ve got to go home, and proceed to waddle the 1.5 miles home trying to stay far enough away from people that they won’t notice the brown streak/smell/steam.
I actually ended up getting home, cleaning myself up and having a bath, got changed and went back out but I couldn’t really salvage the evening.” Fenris78
31. When 7 Jalapenos And A Chinese Buffet Strike Back
Pixabay“So, this is a true story, one my kids love to re-tell it to embarrass me. It is also a multi-bathroom tale of woe. One afternoon at lunch I went to hang out with my then-wife where she worked at a convenience store. Being lunchtime, I decided to grab some nachos. I got the plate of chips and smothered them in cheese and then topped them off with a layer of jalapenos.
I started to eat the nachos, one chip at a time, with a gob of cheese and one slice of jalapeno for each chip. For some reason, I couldn’t get enough, they tasted so amazing! I had more chips than jalapenos and quickly ran out. I went back to the condiment bar and loaded up more jalapenos so that I could continue my one jalapeno per chip routine. I finished the nachos and all in all, I would say that I probably consumed six to seven complete jalapenos by the time I was done.
Day goes on, kids get out of school, wife gets off work, and off we go to dinner at the all you can eat Chinese food place that had become our once a month custom.
About halfway through dinner, my stomach started making a few little gurgling sounds. I brushed it off and continued my dinner. As we were about to leave, I suddenly felt my stomach knot up and it nearly took me to my knees. I told the wife and kids to give me a minute as I headed to the bathroom. Now the fun begins. I get into the bathroom and BARELY get my pants down in time to EXPLODE into the toilet. It was not for the faint of heart. The red hot liquid fire that was shooting out of me like a flamethrower nearly brought me to tears.
I finished up (so I thought), and headed out, grabbed the family, got in the minivan and we headed home. Two blocks away from the Chinese restaurant and I realize that 1) I’m not done, and 2) I’m NEVER going to make it home. I squeeze my butt cheeks and hold on for dear life as I drive onward. A few blocks up and I see my salvation, a Burger King restaurant. I pull in, slam the brakes, jump out, and butt cheek clench waddle as fast as humanly possible to the bathroom. I’d like to say at this point that I got my pants all the way down and got all the way seated on the toilet before I started shooting liquid hot magma out of my butt, but alas, I cannot.
I essentially sprayed the toilet and the wall behind it with a coating of Satan’s jelly. I nearly ran them out of toilet paper cleaning up after myself and once again into the fray I went.
Back out in the van, the wife and kids are chuckling at my predicament, as they realize that I’m suffering pretty badly. I get back behind the wheel, exhausted, with my butt on absolute fire, and begin the trek home. As you may have guessed, I was still not done expelling whatever demons were in my bowels, and it only took a few more blocks before I was driving with my legs locked tight, working with all my might to clench my butt cheeks.
I was locked so tight that the only thing that was touching the seat was the back of my legs on the bottom of the seat and my shoulder blades on the top of the seat.
By now, my family is ROARING with laughter, and the louder I screamed “IT’S NOT FUNNY!”, the harder and harder they laughed. I was in excruciating pain, but for some reason, I convinced myself I could make it home. Oh, the ******** plans of mice and men. A few blocks from the house and I could hold on no more, and little squirts of molten lava started seeping out of me.
I get home, slam the van in park, jump out, and start running into the house, leaking a little with each step. I get into the house, get to the bathroom, put my back to the toilet, rip my pants down and proceed to give the toilet and the wall behind it a nice new coating of what can only be described in the physical realm as ‘pure evil.’ As I sat there trembling and crying in pain, my kids were outside the bathroom yelling “Are you all right dad?”…”Need us to come in and help, you dad?”…yes, they are spawns of Satan himself.
At the time, I did not see ANY humor in it, but now, reflecting back, I suppose I would be laughing as well, it must have been hilarious to see the look of pure terror on my face, see the sweat running down my forehead, and most of all, the butt clench run/walk from the van to the Burger King and the van to the house. Anyway, I destroyed three bathrooms and any respect my kids may have ever had for me in one evening.” yayova
30. This Is Not How Flatulence Works
Pixabay“Like the ostrich theory, but with sound: When I was six I thought if I couldn’t hear anyone, then they couldn’t hear me.
It was reading time in the library, and I needed to fart really badly. All the kids sitting around me were on the floor reading. I could have asked the teacher if I could go to the bathroom but I had a cunning plan.
Sitting cross-legged on the floor, I put my book in my lap, jammed my fingers in my ears and let rip as hard as I possibly could, confident in the knowledge that nobody would be able to hear it.
I realized my misapprehension as twenty faces turned in my direction. It stank too.
The teacher looked shocked, sickened and horrified in equal measure and I was a pariah for the rest of the year: “Look, there’s the boy who let one go during quiet time.” [deleted]
29. The Nose Says Otherwise
Pixabay“I’m very prone to nose bleeds that range from a paper cuts amount of ***** to a full-blown severed artery amount.
Typically they come along randomly during the early parts of November when heating units are turned on and the air is especially dry.
I wait tables for a living at a fancy restaurant so this can be an especially problematic few weeks as they can pop up randomly while chatting with a table. One night, I had a couple in from out of town who declined drinks because they were so hungover from the night before. I mentioned that I was also having a rough day from the previous night and we shared an empathetic laugh with each other. My nose then started to bleed rather badly resulting in the table thinking their server was a heavy drug user.” juan_dale
28. Her Body Does What It Wants
Pixabay
“My liver grew a tumor then failed.
Needed a transplant. This was just after my brain decided epilepsy would be fun to present itself at 15.
So yeah.
15 – Epilepsy, happened on my birthday.
16 – Giant tumor, then another seizure on my birthday.
17 – Liver failure and listed for transplant.
19 – Finally got a transplant.
19 – Steroids that kept me alive pre-transplant caused bone rot in my knee, they’d never seen it in someone under 50 before. I had to have surgery and crutches for a year.
20 – Tried to go to college but couldn’t stay awake or remember anything. Turns out my bile ducts weren’t staying open and I had hepatic encephalopathy again.
Had to leave college and have more surgery.
23 – Another birthday seizure.
27 – Got the flu and my liver enzymes went nuts, had to be hospitalized, and am now quarantined at home waiting for Neupogen shots that will make me have horrible bone pain so I can get my white cell count out of the toilet (it’s 1) so I can fly to Chicago to see my transplant team so they can figure out what’s up.
Hopefully, the flu caused this and I don’t have lymphoma or leukemia, both of which are highly likely because of my anti-rejection medication.
So yeah, my body is my own worst enemy sometimes.” greffdufois
27. This Student Ripped Out The Stinkiest Toot Of The Century…And Lived To Tell The Tale
“Farted the most rancid fart of death in 6th grade.
The teacher somehow knew it was me and kicked me out of class- told me to go to the nurse and have someone pick me up because she was convinced I had to be sick to produce such a toxic stench.
I thought it was cool I got to get out of school though and my dad thought it was hilarious.” LordyBean
26. This Poor Person Had Both Ends Firing At The Same Time
“One time I was really sick so I went to throw up in the toilet and as I started throwing up I simultaneously started pooping myself as well.
Once you start throwing up you can’t exactly stop until you’re done, so I just kept throwing up while pooping for the smelliest, most uncomfortable five minutes or so of my life.
Ever since I stopped being able to throw up like a normal person, I’m always scared I’ll *** myself so I sit on the toilet bending over a bucket, even though it’s harder to throw up that way.
Well, I hope you guys enjoyed this trip down memory lane as much as I did.” AccioSexLife
Another User Comments:
“Efficiency at its finest.” agage3
25. He Looked Like A Reincarnation of Satan Himself And His Mother Was Terrified
“Not embarrassing but kind of funny; when I was young I would occasionally get some bad nosebleeds. Once when I couldn’t stop the bleeding and it was particularly bad, I had some tissues in my nose to induce clotting.
All of a sudden the ***** started flowing out my of my eyes… I’m not one to panic but my mom was the only other person there and when she saw my *****-red eyes dripping, she freaked the **** out and started screaming while I was laughing like some sort of death ***** vampire.” jakoto0
24. This Passenger’s Body Just Couldn’t Hold In The Flatulence Buildup In Any Longer
“Two hours train ride. I felt the air coming slowly but I held it back until the end. Finally, the next stop was mine, so I stood up and walked to the door, still holding back that, now massive, amount of air in my colon.
Just when the doors were about to open, some child stumbled into me from behind. It surprised me so much that I, just for a moment, didn’t hold in. The result was the loudest, most disgusting fart you could ever imagine.
I never left the train station faster in my entire life.” lilithious
Another User Comments:
“This reminds me of another story – If I decide to stare it’s usually with a, “Yeah, what the *** are you gonna do about it?” look.
I’m about 6’7” so even when I’m just trying to be friendly (i.e. not farting on a stranger’s kid’s head) and meeting a family member’s or friend’s kid for the first time, I’ve noticed they get very ‘hide between their mother’s legs’ intimidated on sight if I’m not sitting down.
So it’s not hard for me to silence/intimidate a child, especially when I’m trying to.
However, a few times I’ve been called out. One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk (and no, we never finished playing the whole game). This little 5-7-year-old with a mohawk was being an insufferable little jerk in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, “I’m gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn.”
I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little pr*ck calling his mom an “idiot” for not buying him a huge ****** G.I.
JOE The Movie vehicle (which p*ssed me off even more considering how awful that movie was. BUY SOME GOOD TOYS!) “I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs” “SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT’S THE ONLY ONE I DON’T HAVE NOW.” The mother was younger than me (I’m mid-twenties) and gave a defeated look, “I don’t have enough money right now.” “YOU ARE AN IDIOT,” and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman.
At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet.
Serendipity! Destiny!
I inch a bit closer to my prey, inspecting some wrestling toys. The kid shouts “*** YOU, I HATE YOU!” The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It’s go-time, ***********.
I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. His head is down, getting frustrated with those god **** twisty tie things, and I go for the kill. I bend down to reach for one of the toys on the lower shelf.
At this point, my *** is INCHES away from this kids head.
Now, generally speaking, the best way to go about this is to act casual, drop your belly bomb, then walk away after a few seconds like nothing is out of the ordinary. I usually go one aisle over and listen to the kid’s reaction in delight. However, today I couldn’t help myself. I have my head tilted back looking at this kid out of the corner of my eye, to ensure accuracy.
I’m so close that from a distance it looks like I’m about to sit on him. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself.
He’s covering his mouth, but his ‘hee-haw’ hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90’s pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers.
The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can’t help but notice there is an *** now directly in his face. Now, I’m trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furrows his brow and I look over in the mother’s direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child’s confused and naive face.
The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak).
If I wasn’t wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it “a very fun fart” (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart’s implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wrenched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward…and forward would mean certain death.
I had positioned myself well on the higher ground, free to escape or relent at any time and him, poor and immobilized: biding his time until the cruel attack was over. Obviously, this child needed to re-read Sun Tzu.
In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered only added to that effect.
When I finished with my business (i.e. forcing a little boy to huff my farts), there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life.
I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with a fart.
I make my move first, picking up the toy I was “reaching for” off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. The only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger ‘the jig is up’ and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.
She walks up to him and asks what’s wrong but the kid can’t speak.
All he gets out is, “******************.” It took every fiber in my body not to laugh. I put the toy back on a middle shelf, turn around, give a final nonchalant look and then begin to make my exit.
Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, “HE FARTED ON ME!” I could feel him pointing at me but I continued to act like I was just browsing. I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:
“Excuse me….sir….SIR!”
I turn around nonplussed, “Uh…who? Me?” while pointing to myself.
“Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?”
Weighing my options, I played dumb.
“What? I mean, I did fart.”
“On my son?”
“Well, I mean, technically speaking…I mean…what is ‘on’?”
“Why did you fart on my son?”
At this point, the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. *** you, I’M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, “Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten ******* to his mother so I thought I’d come over here and treat him like one.”
The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor.
The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, “Just..just go.” That’s my cue! I turn around, walk away with a little extra step. I look up to see the black orb of security cameras. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can while dialing my friend. Like a true friend, he is right out front with the engine running and Risk in the trunk.
We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:
“Do you do that a lot?”
“Ahhh, not that much.
Like once every 6 months or so.”
We both knew I was lying. We got to our other friend’s house, played risk until 4 in the morning while drinking scotch. Overall, I would say it was a pretty good day.” RubyRhod
23. This Worker Learned That Our Bodies Betray Us In Odd Ways
“I stood up from sitting at work and screamed in pain because I got a cramp behind my *******? I don’t know how to explain it but that’s where I felt the pain. My coworkers were dying of laughter when I explained what my scream was.” Source
Another User Comments:
“Oh man, I know exactly what you’re talking about.
That happened to me once. Thankfully I was at home but I thought I somehow had pulled a muscle there and started thinking how the **** I’d explain that to the doctor.” idontlikeflamingos
22. He Just Couldn’t Catch A Break, Even When Relaxing In The Tub!
“I just had jaw surgery and was feeling ill so I was taking a warm bath to feel better, then all a sudden I have to vomit, then comes the other end.
It wasn’t the worst place for that to happen since I just drained the tub and then rinsed off and cleaned up, but for a few minutes while it drained I was basically standing in the worst substances my own body could possibly excrete.” dillonmp
21. While Watching A Game, This Spectator Blamed All His Farts On An Innocent Bystander
“I once deflected bad fart embarrassment onto someone else.
When I was in high school, a group of us from the marching band formed a pep band to play at basketball games. We would sit in the bleachers with the spectators and I was in the back row, so there would be spectators sitting right behind us.
One night, I had some really awful things brewing, which luckily didn’t have the volume to make any noise, but the smell was pretty horrible, and there was a hot girl sitting right behind me. So every time I let one go, I would wait a few seconds, then give a dirty look to the guy next to me, who luckily wasn’t paying attention, and even more luckily didn’t say anything to me like, ‘Aw jeez, who’s busting a*s!?’ which he definitely would have done if he’d caught a whiff.
I’m not proud of what I did, but I did end up telling the guy about 7 or 8 years later. And that hot girl behind me? 15 years later and… I have no idea what happened to her.” Brawndo91
20. This Worker Came To Learn When Faced With His Bosses, They Would Cry Uncontrollably
“In a meeting with my managers. They’re complaining about X, Y, and Z that I haven’t achieved. I’m not upset about the criticism if anything I’m angry I have to ear them, but for some bizarre reason, my eyes started watering.
We’d have these meetings weekly and every time my eyes would water and tears would pour.
It started just happening when I wasn’t even angry.
And even in normal angry situations, I’d never tear up. Just in those meetings.” PapaFern
Another User Comments:
“Omg, I have the same thing. Whenever I’m confronted with something by a superior, I start crying for some reason. It sucks because I don’t want them to think I’m upset about minor things because I’m not.” mnassine
19. Some Farts And Pee Didn’t Stop This Guy From Making His Move
“When I was 12, my best friend and I were hanging out in front of my apartment complex on the front steps with two guys that we were SUPER interested in.
I was sitting on the top step with my bestie, and the two guys were goofing off further down the steps and making us laugh.
Well, I started laughing. So hard in fact that during one of those laughs where you’re laughing so hard you’re no longer making any noise, where you’ve basically lost control of it and CAN’T stop, I started farting really loudly.
Even though I was MORTIFIED, I COULD NOT stop laughing and laughed harder and then I started peeing my pants. I couldn’t stop!! The pee was running down the steps as I tried desperately to stop laughing by covering my ears and shutting my eyes.
I finally gained control of my body and stopped laughing, but it was too late.
My crush came over to sit next to me, and right before he sat down next to me he saw the puddle of pee and jumped up and said ‘Whoah!’
I got up and tried to run inside, but I didn’t have my key, so I had to ring the buzzer and had to wait for my mom to buzz me in in front of them with pee-soaked pants, and the giant puddle of my urine that had run down half the steps.
I stayed inside the rest of the day, and that night my crush miraculously came back and asked me out through my bedroom window.” **********
Another User Comments:
“If I had made a girl pee herself from farting and laughing at my jokes I’d be on that like butter on toast.” Xeeroy
18. This Proves That Mothers Will Do Just About Anything For Their Kids
“I donated ***** when I was 16 and it didn’t agree with me.
My mom took me to work and fed me her lunch, which was chicken, rice, and grapefruit juice. I started feeling worse about 15 minutes later. I went to the bathroom and started to have diarrhea, then projectile vomited pink rice and chicken all over the bathroom. Screamed for my mother, and she got to see the most horrible sight. Luckily, nobody else was in her office that day while I stayed on the toilet, crying and apologizing while she cleaned both me and bathroom up.” CaptainxGoober
17. She Thought This Terrible Day Through So No One Would Suspect A Thing
“I peed myself in class. I was wearing a skirt and no tights.
I was 17.
It was my first year of college and the lecture lasted 4 hours. I held it as long as I possibly could until at some point I was 100% certain I would pee myself as soon as I stood up. I couldn’t excuse myself to the bathroom because I’d pee myself on the way in front of everybody.
So I stayed. I waited until the other students left, but they didn’t. Of course, they had questions for the professor, some lingered… I got out, made it out of the classroom miraculously, then as soon as I was out the door I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I kneeled down on the floor, pretended to look for something in my bag (someone even asked if I was okay), hoping against all hope that no one would notice the puddle at my feet.
I kept pretending to look in my bag for 5 more minutes until everyone was gone, then walked to the nearest bathroom to dry myself as best I could. Then I went home, changed my underwear and dried my skirt and shoes with a hairdryer because it would look suspicious if I came back with different clothes.
No one ever mentioned it. To this day I wonder if some did see it and avoid talking about it to spare me the embarrassment, or if I somehow managed to hide it.” hyphie
16. After Doing A Good Deed, His Body Just Couldn’t Handle The *****loss
Pixabay“My grandmother was killed when she received the AIDS virus through a ***** transfusion, back in the day.
(If you live in Minnesota and get a ***** transfusion, know that my grandma was the one that ate the bullet that makes hospitals screen *****.)
My family donates ***** on her birthday. I hate donating *****. I hate needles, I hate seeing *****, and I hate the weird cold feeling you get throughout your entire arm. In a terrible twist of fate, I happen to have Universal ***** that is CMV negative (I can donate to babies and small children, which apparently is rare?). Hospitals are always in short supply, it seems, as I am always getting calls to donate a double amount every time I’m eligible.
(I charge them twice as many cookies as they give other people).
One time, after giving a double dose, I was feeling just fine. I usually feel wiped out and need to go to sleep, but that day I was feeling fine. I got home and the wife was there, and we’re trying to have a kid, and we were both kind of flirty, so we went for it. I got in the buff when my knees wobbled, the room spun, and I just collapsed on the floor. I never lost consciousness. I was just sprawled naked on the floor, unable to lift my arms or legs.
I could lull my head about.” YonderIPonder
15. This Man’s Primal Instincts Came Up At The Absolute Worst Moment
“So in 2016, I had hernia surgery.
I got the dopey medicine that’s supposed to make you act crazy, and my parents were watching to see what I would do. Now, this is the first time I’ve ever had it. My a*s just sat there and spaced out, but I had one thing in mind:
DONT GET A WOODY.
The hernia was right above my groin, and they had to have a full view of Mr. Wiener. I didn’t want to scar those poor nurses and surgeons.
After about 30 minutes, (maybe? Coulda been 2 hours even, time was weird) I get wheeled out to surgery. I’m like heck yea, my junk didn’t get excited.
Then, I feel it.
Well, it decides that being moved is the perfect time to rise and shine (this was at about 7:45 AM) and I’m sitting there thinking, ‘Eh whatever, I’ll live with this embarrassment.’
Yea. They put me on the table and it was a freaking tent.
To the nurses and surgeon (all females), I’m so sorry. You caught me at the worst time possible.” matrixsensei
14. When He Farted And She Shrugged, He Knew She Was The Perfect Woman For Him
“Second date with my now wife.
I was cooking dinner for her. I had a little gas pressure I thought I could release quietly. I was wrong. It wasn’t horrible and didn’t really smell, but still, letting one rip on our second date was not in the plans for the evening. I simply shrugged, looked at her and said, ‘Oh wow, it’s waaaayyyy too early in this relationship for that. I’m soooo sorry.’
She laughed and shrugged it off. We’ve been together almost 15 years.” dubgeek
13. This Swimmer Didn’t Realize The Red Wave Had Hit Her At A Very Inopportune Time
“At the water park when my period decided to make its appearance.
Didn’t realize until I stepped out of a wave pool and heard a little kid scream, ‘Mommy, there’s red stuff in the water!’ I looked back to see a very obvious ***** trail leading directly to me. Immediately hot-footed it to the showers, where I found a huge stain on my cover-up.
Thirty minutes later, I casually walked out of the showers fully dressed, my swimsuit and coverup washed out and stuffed in my towel. The wave pool had been shut down, the lifeguards shocking the water to get rid of the *****. A mass of children lingered near the edge, many complaining loudly.
My mom cocked an eyebrow at me as I shuffled back to our chairs, but said nothing. I have since gotten better at managing my cycle.” socksandpoptarts
12. He Made It To The Bathroom, But The Aiming For The Toilet Was Just Too Difficult A Task
“Years ago I was at this music event with a lot of adult beverage consumption. As I was leaving, I had to pee, but the port-o-potty lines were really long, so I decided to hold it in until I got back to my apartment.
The train ride was fine for the most part, but by the time I got to my stop, I had to go really badly.
I still had a 10-minute walk to my apartment, but I figured I could make it if I just walked really fast.
As I reach my front door, I get a sense of relief that I made it, but I was really about to burst so I hurried through and ran to the bathroom. I get it and as I’m undoing my zipper, I just can’t anymore and start peeing. I was literally standing in front of my toilet and still managed to pee myself. Luckily there was nobody around, but I am still really embarrassed that happened to me.” -eDgAR-
11. This Boy Learned The Valuable Life Lesson About His Manhood That Everyone Eventually Learns
“Random woodies. I think every guy can relate to this on one level or another.
I got one on the school bus home once, when I was perhaps 13.
Astonishingly, it occurred during the 15 seconds or so in the day that I wasn’t thinking about ***. Just shot up like a tower at the beginning of Breath of the Wild. And it would just not go down.
I saw my stop approaching ever faster. Four stops away. Three. Two. How I longed for a nettle leaf to smack it down with. No amount of thinking about inanimate objects or ugly government ministers was causing the slightest difference. The private was standing to attention through all the wind and rain I could throw at him.
So in the end, I just had to walk off and hide it with my art folder as best I could. My best was not good enough, and I was nowhere near cool enough to just play it off. That was a fun year, after that.
Of course, as soon as I got off the bus it wilted like ice cream in the gaze of Sauron.
Eff you, you **** betraying ***** you!” SpantasticFoonerism
Another User Comments:
“I love the Sauron line.” Spong1395
10. Ballet Dancers Usually Have Full Control Of Their Bodies, But This Youngin’ Has A Lot To Learn!
“I danced classical ballet for years when I was younger.
One day when I was 12 we were doing a stretch where we were lying on our backs with our butts scooted to the wall and our legs stretched towards the ceiling. We would let our legs fall into the splits letting gravity assist us.
So we were lying there, listening to quiet piano music, my legs WIDE open and the girl next to me was whispering jokes and making me giggle. I could feel the onslaught of explosive gas happening but being young and stupid I was afraid to close my legs because I thought I’d get in trouble. So I ripped the loudest, most terrifying fart to ever exist.
I think I blew a hole in my little pink leotard I swear to God. The room was a huge wooden studio so that fart from **** was bouncing off the walls for like 15 minutes. All the little girls started screaming, I was screaming, the teacher was probably screaming. Still gives me nightmares.” Rosieroseroserose
9. Accidents Happen, But Luckily This Mother Was In a Forgiving Place When The Unexpected Happened
“Getting my menstrual cycle back after having my son. For those who don’t know, the first period after giving birth can turn up at any time – with my daughter it was 9 months PP, with my son 11 months.
It’s also extremely heavy. I was with my daughter at the pediatrician’s when I got the most horrible cramps. I didn’t really recognize them for what they were, plus I was so focused on my daughter that I didn’t pay them much attention.
I went into the doctor’s office, sat down, had a chat and then we got up as they needed to examine her on the bed. Suddenly, I heard ‘Erm, Frau Vesparia, I think you have a little problem.’ Turned around and, sure enough, the lovely light green chair I’d just vacated was no longer light green. It wasn’t even a small stain – no, it was as if my uterus had made a sacrifice to the fertility gods.
And there was me, in jeans, dying of embarrassment and having to explain it was the first period. The doctor was very kind and slipped me a pad, and I had to go to the toddler’s toilet to try and make myself half decent.
As I left, my face as red as my jeans, I saw a nurse armed with cleaning lotions and potions heading into the room. Still cringe with embarrassment now when I think about it.” Vesparia
8. His Body Seemed To Stop Functioning Properly Only When He Sat Next To His Crush
“I used to sit next to a pretty hot girl back in school, roughly when I was like 15-16.
I had a bit of a crush, as you’d expect, but my chances were more or less ruined from day one. This was in a class where the teacher was strict, and the class was often quiet, especially during tests. ONLY in this class and next to this girl did my body make the most absurd noises.
My stomach would rumble and grumble viciously for no reason, and my throat would make all sorts of weird phlegmy gurgling noises when I swallowed. I occasionally got super gassy as well in that class and at my attempts of VICIOUSLY holding in a fart to preserve such palpable toxicity from this woman, my stomach would growl angrily in retort.
It was all just barely loud enough for the girl and whoever it was on the other side of me to hear this sheer upset in my body, and what more am I to do other than nervously laugh and say ‘what the… .’ ‘Sorry’. Hiding it with a cough was a dangerous move.
Other times, I recall the seats being kinda small and the tables not big enough to really fit the number of people, so my junk would require a constant readjustment in the seat. There’s only so many times you can do this through your pockets before people realize you’re not looking for chewing gum or a pen.
Lady, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I had no choice.
Regardless, I don’t have that anywhere else and never have, since. A phenomenon. I’m confident my English literature grade went down slightly due to the energy I put towards avoiding all that ‘noise’.” HeadsmanJim
7. It’s A Sad Day When You Force Everyone To Go Home Because Of A Clogged Toilet
“My girlfriend and I went out one night to our local bar that does a wing night every week. It’s our favorite bar, but also one of the only bars open all winter in our beach town, and wing night being the most popular night, we had to wait for a table for a while.
Usually, we get one beer each during a weeknight, but that night we had a lot more while waiting for a table. So after quite a few beers, some hot wings and a night of it all settling, the next day it needed out.
I was at work just me, my boss, and the head of all the offices in my state (5 offices). I took one of the biggest dumps of my life and clogged the toilet the worst I ever have. 20 minutes with the plunger I had to admit defeat. I told my boss, which was embarrassing as **** because she’s pretty attractive.
She called some plumbers but none could come out that day, so I went back for another 15 minutes trying to get it to flush. I called it again and the three of us left early since we only have 1 toilet in the office.
The plumber came the next morning and got it cleared. So long story short, I ate too many wings, drank too much beer, and cost the company 150 bucks the next day to unclog a toilet.” martorano10
6. This Student Tried To Hold It In For An Entire Day, But It Was All Too Much To Contain
“I was on a study-abroad trip in college with a group of other students when we took an all-day trip on a small boat out to an uninhabited island to snorkel.
An hour or so in I realized I really had to poop, but the only bathroom was on the boat and it was a tiny hole in the floor that other people had to hold closed for you to use. My 21-year-old self was too self-conscious to do this on a boat with people I didn’t know so I held it. All day. Including the two-hour drive home in a van.
We finally get to our dorms, but my roommate has developed a migraine and is in our shared bathroom puking. I don’t know where another bathroom is so I just stay in my room, praying she is done soon, and doing some weird hop/dance thing.
It wasn’t enough. I was still in my bikini when I just pooped my pants everywhere. It was humiliating. No one ever knew so you might think that it doesn’t qualify, but lemme tell ya… there is nothing more shameful than pooping your pants as a functioning adult whether anyone else knew or not.
Anyway, I guess you could say I betrayed my body in this case since I held it for so **** long. Dumb.” mlk1969
5. She Was Young And In Love, But Had The Body Of An 80-Year-Old Retiree
“I was bending down to pick up my bag when I got the most powerful back spasm I ever felt.
Fell over, couldn’t get back up. This happened before dinner to meet my boyfriend’s family at his house. I had to call my boyfriend back into the room to help me get up.
I spent the rest of the night holding myself up by the armrest on the chairs because my back felt like it was being compressed and hurt so much. I gave the impression that I was basically an arthritic kid and my boyfriend’s mom gave me a whole tube of Voltaren to finish off for the next few days.” shreddedcorn
4. His Experience Was So Traumatic, The Shower Never Looked The Same Way Again
“So I’ve fought food poisoning all day and decide to get in the shower in hopes of getting the water nice and hot makes me feel better.
A few minutes in I get the telltale sign I’m gonna vomit and about 15 seconds later projectile vomit all over the shower wall in front of me. The force of this exertion causes the other two orifices to also expel their contents at near Mach 5 velocity and I poop all over the back of the shower and pee all down my leg.
I now have puke running out my nose and about an inch of the vilest brown liquid that smells nothing like the Guinness beer it looks like.
I start coughing and my wife comes in and asks me if I’m ok then gets a whiff and asks me what the **** is going on.
I yell in my best Chris Farley in the gap SNL skit where he says he’s hungry for her to get out and I’d clean it up.
The only positive is as soon as all that was out of me I immediately no longer felt sick which was great because I spent about 30 minutes cleaning the shower up and finally walking out to the living room. My wife asked what happened and I told her I’d done a #1, a puke, and a #2 at the exact same time to which she said ‘you did a 3!’
That shower was never the same, we moved out soon after.” adx331
3. His Exercise Did Nothing To Quell The Indian Food Simmering In His Belly
Pexels“Finally a chance to tell this story!!
I dated a girl who did ‘stomach exercises’ – kind of like a stomach crunch but while standing or walking.
I had never heard of this phenomenon before, so I thought I’d try it out. No problem. Look at me, walking and crunching, walking and crunching, I’ll have abs of steel in no time, I’m so smart!
After a nice heavy Indian meal, we went for a walk – to a crowded Blockbuster to pick up a movie to watch that night. I thought it would be a good idea to practice my new exercise move.
Bad idea. I ‘flexed’ the ‘wrong muscle’. With explosive force. What followed next was the sound of a shotgun fart followed by… you guessed it. Diarrhea.
Thank god Blockbuster is now closed.” AnotherDrunkCanadian
2. This Student Learned The Consequences Of Trying To Hold In A Sneeze
Pixabay“I was taking a test in my pre-algebra class in sixth grade when I had to sneeze.
I tried to do one of those silent sneezes where you pinch your nose and sneeze without making much noise. I succeeded in not sneezing very loud, but me trying to hold it in caused me to let out a loud fart.
Everyone knew it was me cause we were taking a test so it was extremely quiet otherwise. This really obnoxious kid could not let it go, however, and kept laughing, making me even more embarrassed and the teacher eventually had to escort him outside.” skyedv
1. He Learned To Never Trust His Body After His Nightly Activities
“I had just come out of the closet at 22.
I liked this guy and I would see him at the mall where I worked all the time. I never said anything to him. Anyways, I had just come out and not more than a week or so later I ran into him at a bar and I somehow found the courage to go over and talk to him. He immediately recognized me and we started talking. At the end of the night, I asked for his phone number and he gladly gave it to me and told me to call him that weekend to hang out. I was on cloud nine because he was so dreamy and this was my first time doing this with another guy.
The next night we met up at a different bar, he came to mine it was truly magical. He ended up staying the night and I remember waking up the next morning, staring at him with a huge smile on my face. I could not believe how lucky I was to have this wonderful and handsome guy in my bed.
Here is where it gets bad. We both got out of bed to get dressed and while I was gathering my clothes from the floor I accidentally farted super loud! It was awful because we both pretended like it didn’t happen even though both of us definitely knew that it did happen.
I was so embarrassed I wanted to just die right there. I went from such a high to the ultimate low in a matter of seconds. Looking back on it now I should’ve just laughed or at least acknowledged it in some way but I chose not to out of humiliation. The betrayal of that morning is still in my mind and when I am alone I sometimes think about it and it makes me cringe all over again.” jurassicthings
While our bodies can sometimes betray us in unexpected ways, make sure it isn’t a sign of something more serious! If the same thing keeps happening, talk to your doctor to ease your worries.
Do you have a story of a time your body surprised you in an odd (and usually inconvenient) way? Tell us your tale!
