People Convince Us That They're Blameless In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Fighting With My Mom In Front Of Guests?
“Me (16, NB) and my mom fight a lot. We argue the most about how she’s constantly body-shaming people. She body shames me as well constantly. It’s gotten to the point where I literally don’t even wanna go out with my friends sometimes because I hate the way I look.
She says it’s not body shaming because when family members call you ‘fat’ or ‘your stretch marks are ugly’ it’s not body shaming but it’s genuine feedback. I’ve been depressed for years now because of that ‘feedback’.
Thanks, mom.
Anyway, today my mom told me to get my legs waxed. I didn’t really want to, but she called over the lady who usually waxes our legs and I couldn’t argue with my mom in front of her so whatever.
In the middle of the appointment, I was lying on my stomach and I heard my mom say ‘Fat’. I didn’t hear the rest of the sentence, I only heard the word fat.
I just assumed it was about me because I’m very used to her telling other people I’m fat. People always get uncomfortable when my mom calls me fat because I’m actually on the skinny side… my mom just thinks I’m getting super fat and it’s ugly.
I have faint stretch marks too but most of them are scars (I won’t mention where I got those scars. You can make your own assumptions, I don’t care) so she comments on those in public too.
Anyway, coming back to the topic, because she is infamous for saying all this stuff, I assumed it was about me. The waxing lady went SUPER QUIET tho.
Later, my aunt and uncle, and their 4 yo daughter came over for lunch.
During lunch, my mom and my dad were discussing the waxing lady’s weight gain. I was stunned for a sec, and I asked ‘Huh?’ Mom goes ‘Didn’t you hear me telling her that she had gotten fat?’ I got mad and went, ‘Imagine a stranger came up to you and called you fat out of the blue, how would you feel?’ Then she tried to explain herself.
She said that because the lady had had a miscarriage recently, she had gotten fat.
My mom called her fat condescendingly in hopes that she would lose some weight so she could get pregnant again easily.
She also said that she says the same thing to me because I’m not really fat, I’ve just gained a little belly fat, but if she keeps calling me fat I’ll be ‘motivated’ to lose weight.
Obviously, I was shocked. I got mad, called her an awful person, and told her how the waxing lady went quiet because she hurt her feelings. My mom told me to shut up and mind my own business.
I didn’t finish my lunch and went to my room.
I think I’m the jerk because not only did I ruin my aunt and uncle’s lunch but I freaked my cousin out as well.
She looks up to me a lot and when she saw me getting mad she started crying, which I feel bad about. My aunt and uncle had to leave early, and now my mom’s giving me the silent treatment.
Also, I obviously don’t know much about pregnancies, so maybe my mom was right. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. Sure, maybe it would have been better to not do it during lunch and not to tell… But we all have our breaking point.
And no, shaking someone is not a viable tactic to get them to improve. It’s a sure-fire way to create mental health problems.
Your mum shouldn’t be surprised if she finds that the next time she tries to book a leg wax the wax lady is suddenly really busy and can’t fit her in though.” Crackles247
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It sounds like your mom has her own issues with her own appearance and weight, and rather than handle her feelings about it herself, she’s projecting onto everyone else and cutting them down.
She should be ashamed of herself; she lacks empathy.” Huntress_of_the_Moon
Another User Comments:
“Your mom is the jerk, not you. It sounds as though silent treatment from your mother is a blessing.
By her logic bringing up your stretch marks will motivate you to improve them. That’s not really how that works. What a horrible, insensitive woman. I hope you can get away from her soon.” AngryWriterGrr
18. AITJ For Hating My Mom's Fiancé?
“My (19M) mom (41F) has a bad track record when it comes down to relationships. To keep things brief, she has gotten with a long list of men who either lie to her or emotionally abuse her and my siblings (14M, 11M, 8F), with there being very few exceptions to this.
When we got to the beginning of the story, my mom had just broken up with a really abusive man. It had gotten so bad that she no longer felt safe and was worried about her livelihood if she were to break up with him.
Thankfully, she was able to, but he did stalk her.
Anyway, my mom started going out with this guy (33M), whom we will call Dave, right after breaking up with her abusive ex.
According to my mom, Dave was the one who gave her the strength to leave. This, along with the fact that he seemed nice enough made me initially like him.
However, there were a few things that I noticed that just sort of seemed off.
Now, this all leads to last week, when I asked if Dave was going to be staying for much longer because I was starting to get annoyed with his dogs and she told me that he was going to be staying because he moved in.
They had been going out for THREE WEEKS by this point.
Now, this might be where I am the jerk because I started lecturing my mother about how this just screamed red flags (I’m autistic, so I often don’t know how to communicate in an efficient way, often leading me to lecture people when I’m upset.
I know it’s about habit).
Well anyway, Dave happened to come home and basically started berating me saying that he wasn’t going to let me disrespect my mother. I then decide to go for a walk to basically cool down and then talk with my mom about potentially moving out, as I had been given an offer to stay with a couple of friends rent-free until I can get on my feet.
We decided to still keep me at home, but then later the following night, when my mom and Dave picked me up from my night classes, Dave and I were talking about the argument and kind of casually brought up that he had proposed to her about a week and a half before (I was told that the ring on her finger was a promise ring).
I then told them as calmly as I could that I didn’t want anything to do with their little family that they were wanting to make and then proceeded to basically break down apologizing for not wanting to save our relationship, but that I couldn’t do it anymore with anything related to her relationships.
Then, Dave decides to accuse me of manipulation.
I’m still living with my family due to my mom and I talking the day after. I have been locking myself in my room every day just so I can keep my sanity because I’m so mad.
However, my mom and Dave have been inviting me to go with them to different things but personally, I don’t want to give him a chance.
I told a couple of friends, and they have all said that I am justified, but I can’t help but feel that I might be the jerk.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Unfortunately, you can’t control what your Mum does, but you can control what you do. If I were you I’d be getting out and moving on with your own life.
Sadly, if the younger ones don’t have a dad involved, they have no choice but to stay and live there until they are old enough to leave.
You could (and should) consider reporting your Mum to CPS (if you are in the USA, if not, then whoever is the child protection organization in your area) as this isn’t really healthy or safe for the kids.” IceQueenTigerMumma
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is setting a horrible example for what relationships should be to you and especially to those younger siblings. Yikes. Are you comfortable with leaving them there if you move out?
What are these red flags you are talking about but didn’t mention? I don’t think you’re the jerk for wanting out of this situation, but I am just curious about what you think will happen with the younger ones.
Also, has anyone run a background check on Dave? Because that’s super important because for all anyone knows he’s got some crazy history with the law and that’s something everyone should know about since he’s living there.
(I got a feeling your mom hasn’t bothered to even Google his name at the very least.)
Your mom is clearly putting men above her children’s best interests and that’s never ok.
I’m trying to be nice because I can’t stand that crap. Her priorities are out of whack in a serious way. Selfish, selfish, selfish. And dangerous. And a lot of other adjectives I won’t use.” Oktoberina
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mother is completely dependent, she is unable to go through life without a man and unfortunately, she doesn’t care about the well-being and safety of her own children.
Further proof is that the strength to leave a deadly relationship came from another man to be with him and not to protect her children.
Based on Dave’s reaction when you guys first met, I’m guessing that she tells every guy EVERYTHING including her past relationships.
Resulting in them knowing that she’s so desperate to have a relationship that they know that boundaries are nonexistent and they can say and do whatever they want right off the bat.
Especially since he already proposed to her after a month of going out?
Additionally, it sounds like she has a list of guys on standby, because, from your post, it sounds like she was ‘talking’ to Dave while she was in her previous relationship since he was the one who gave her the strength to leave.
Your mother really needs to go to therapy because her priorities are all the way messed up or she needs to give up custody of her children to a close and trusted family member.
Women like her can be dangerous to their children because they will allow their partners to abuse their children. I had multiple friends do this crap and they lost custody of their children, went to prison, or both.” Careful-Listen2277
17. AITJ For Defending My Cousin?
“I (M17) visit my maternal grandma quite often during weekends, all my maternal family gathers there and we spend the night Friday-Saturday. My aunt has a pair of older twins (M, F 10) and two daughters (F7) (F2).
Ever since she had her youngest daughter the middle daughter has been continuously ignored or criticized/told off for things that aren’t too serious.
The older twins get away with a lot, the youngest daughter is doted on.
It’s been just over a year like this and everyone clearly noticed it but when she started the divorce proceedings, it got much much worse. I saw her lightly kick my cousin for the first time in front of me and I couldn’t take it anymore.
I got up and said it like it was, she was abusing her daughter and had no right to do so, especially after the divorce. I said if she continued to do so I will testify in court against her so the father gets custody because she’s clearly a bad mother.
My grandma and mother went ham on me and sided with her 100%. I was told that it wasn’t any of my business and that it was cruel for me to testify against my aunt.
My grandma doesn’t allow me to visit anymore until I apologize to my aunt in person. Call me stubborn but I’m standing my ground. What I said might’ve been harsh but it’s nothing compared to what she says to her daughter day after day.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did a great thing standing up for your cousin! Your aunt is disrespectful and she’s the one that needs to apologize.” Triplicated
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Somebody’s gotta care about that girl. Kudos to you for acknowledging that she’s being treated unfairly and actually doing something about it. The adults can be mad at you all they want, but I guarantee your cousin appreciates it, and she definitely needed someone to stand up for her.
If your aunt is mistreating her daughter, you definitely wouldn’t be wrong testifying against her. She’s the one that’s wrong, and maybe losing custody is the only way she’ll see that.” Such_Ad7626
Another User Comments:
“There’s a lot of bad stuff going on there. Find a way to keep in touch with your cousin. You might be the only rock she has, aside from her dad
NTJ.” billlevansatmariposa
16. AITJ For Wanting Boundaries With My Parents?
“My parents (50-ish) always expect me to kiss them on the lips, for example when I leave to go to school or work in the morning my mom will always pucker her lips in anticipation of a kiss.
I (17f) have been refusing to do this for years because it has always made me uncomfortable. Neither parent has ever relented in asking and sometimes outright demanding I do. Whenever I refuse without fail they always guilt trip me saying things like ‘you don’t love me’, ‘it’s just a kiss’, and ‘I’ll remember this when you’re asking for something’.
This happens EVERY SINGLE TIME.
On some occasions, my mom has tried to force me to kiss her.
Yesterday, I went out for dinner with my parents as it was my mom’s birthday, I was sitting beside my Dad and he wanted me to give my mom a kiss ‘as a birthday present because I don’t do it often enough’.
I refused and he got all huffy and the tension at the table ruined the night.
Their reaction really frustrates me because they refuse to acknowledge my boundaries and they make me feel like I am the problem.
I need some outside perspective.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents are teaching the exact opposite of what they should be. No means no no matter who it is. And kissing on the lips?
That’s just weird, I don’t blame you for not liking it. I get some people to think it’s fine, it’s still weird tho. Forcing affection like hugs, kisses, etc on kids (I know you’re almost grown, but they’ve been doing this all your life) teaches them that what adults want matters and their bodily autonomy doesn’t.
This can lead to kids thinking they HAVE to allow any adult that wants to hug, kiss, or touch them to do it and not say anything about it. Which can easily lead to grooming.
It’s your body and your right to say you don’t want to. Period. Their hurt feelings are their problem to deal with. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them.” EmotionalAttention63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s a completely reasonable boundary. If they don’t stop, find some lipstick or lipgloss that will make a mess if kissed or that has a taste that they don’t like (I had some stuff as a kid that I think was called lip smacker with soft drink flavors like Sprite and Fanta and so on, I found it pretty disgusting myself, something like that might work).” AlmostChristmasNow
Another User Comments:
“Your parents sound needy and controlling and emotionally manipulative. Simply begins ignoring this behavior. Know that they’re not going to change. What they really need is a couple of great therapists but that’s probably not going to happen.
You can’t control what they do but you can control your reaction to it, in fact, that’s the only thing you have control over here. So look forward to when you get to move out of the house and stop being treated this way or simply walk away from them or even laugh but don’t give into their ridiculous demands.” milliebarnes
15. AITJ Telling My Best Friend's Partner My First Impressions Of Her?
“I’m 23 F and my best friend is 24 M, we have been friends for over 5 years and think of him as a brother.
We hang out regularly with both of our significant others and we all have a really good time together. The last time we all hung out, we played a question card game and one of the questions was ‘What were your first impressions of each other?’ My response was that I initially didn’t like my friend’s partner in the beginning.
I didn’t like her in the beginning because when I first met her, I was living with my best friend and two other male roommates. She and my other roommate’s friends were at the house 24/7.
She never introduced herself, they were super loud all the time, slept in the lounge for days on end, and consumed flat resources that I was paying a portion of. It wasn’t even that I specifically didn’t like her, but it was the presence of seemingly rude strangers in my apartment.
I have discussed this with her in the past and thought she understood.
As time went on, I got to know her better and had a really nice and genuine friendship with her.
I am a constant supporter of her and encouraged my best friend to work through things in the past when their relationship was at a breaking point.
Recently I received a phone call from my friend telling me we could no longer be friends or communicate anymore because his SO was upset with me, he didn’t give me any reason at the time.
I asked for answers the next day and later found out it was because of that comment I made during the card game. He then told me to apologize to her and admit that I was wrong in saying I initially hated her and that he didn’t see a way forward without doing so.
He explained that she was upset and had had to rethink all our interactions in the past and now sees me as ‘fake’ and ‘untrustworthy’.
I then proceeded to get really angry and upset at him as he had to be told to ‘cut me off’ for such a silly reason.
I am upset that I’m losing friends over this but I refuse to apologize as I feel as if I’m not in the wrong here. I am not going to say sorry for how I truly felt about her at the time.
I think that she should’ve come to me earlier and told me how she felt about the comment before telling my best friend (her partner) not to speak to me anymore.
This to me personally has shown how dramatic she is, I don’t want to have to think about everything I say around her.
I think this has been blown out of proportion and is honestly ridiculous that I am being asked to say sorry or that it has even got to this point. I really feel like he is actually on my side but has to be a good partner and support her when she’s upset, which I understand.
However AITJ for not apologizing to her?”
Another User Comments:
“Nah, she sucks, especially if this is something you both have already discussed, hashed out, and gotten over. How could you possibly have had a great impression of her if she never talked to you and mooched off of stuff you helped pay for?
But, this is something you’ll probably have to bite the bullet on. Invite her out to coffee, apologies for illuminating that out in a climate that probably made her feel judged and uncomfortable, and hopefully move on so you can maintain your friendship with her partner.
If you don’t, you’re likely to lose that friend until they inevitably break up.
Slight NT.J” quidyn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And let the friendship with this drama queen die down… yeah, your ‘best friend’ is the drama queen.
I had to check the ages again. Is a 24-year-old man really telling his alleged best friend they can’t be friends anymore because his partner says so? A gf that can’t understand why someone wouldn’t like her invading their apartment?
That doesn’t sound like a brother, OP. I’d stop contact and see if he eventually reaches out on his own. Then according to what he has to say I’d consider resuming the friendship or not.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You told her before that you didn’t like her when you both first met (I’m getting it mostly because you didn’t meet her and she was just a girl messing around your apartment).
She’s a freaking drama queen and should get used to the real world where not everyone is going to think that you’re great.
Also, it sucks that not only her but also your best friend is acting like a jerk.
If they are this dramatic over a game, then you’re better off without them.” parfait-keyy
14. AITJ For Not Allowing My Friend To Get Married In My Backyard Anymore?
“My wife (40) and I (38) met a friend about 2 years ago, James (25), while doing karaoke. We were singing with him about 2-3 times a week for about a year and a half.
About 6 months ago, he told us that he was getting married on April 27th and we suggested that he do it in our backyard. Since he has been engaged he hasn’t been out singing with us and only texts us once a month or so.
Not a huge deal that life gets busy, he has a fiance so we were not upset about that at all. We still considered him a good friend, he brought up still wanting to get married in our backyard about 3 weeks ago.
We told James that it is still good but with it just beginning to warm up that we would need his help getting the yard ready. James was all for coming over and helping out, my wife and I took all of last week off to work on the yard.
Over the past week, my wife and I raked, bagged, and took to the dump over 500 pounds of pine needles, trimming the yard, mowed the lawn, power washed the house, and all the other fun stuff you do for spring cleaning.
My wife and I also deep cleaned our house since James is expecting about 30 people to show up and with our house being 5,200 square feet it was no small task.
Now my wife has some medical issues, she fractured her spine a few years ago which still bothers her, she has arthritis, and she had surgery on her foot that healed bad and caused CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome).
I myself am not fairing much better, I have compression fractures in my spine, arthritis, a bad elbow, and a bad knee. Together my wife and I put in close to a combined 150 hours of work that week.
During that week James and his fiancé showed up 1 day and helped for about an hour. On another day, only his fiancé showed up and helped out for about 2 hours. Now, during this time James refused to answer our calls or text messages.
We needed to know things like whether are they going to be using the outdoor kitchen, do they want to use our sound system for music, and other wedding questions. My wife and I are to the point of just telling him to find somewhere else to have his wedding.
Would that make us the jerks for refusing to not let him have his wedding in our backyard with only a few days before it is going to happen?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I agree with others suggesting that you try one last time to reach this guy, and I’d probably actually phone rather than text.
However, I wonder if this is a disconnect.
Elopement to me means the officiant and one or two witnesses, usually at the courthouse. But this ceremony involves 30 people? That’s just a small wedding on short notice?
Maybe, because they are calling it an elopement, they do intend for this to be very simple?
No music, no food?
Bottom line: You need a longer conversation, ideally with the bride involved, so everyone is on the same page.” flea1400
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with ‘everyone sucks here.’
Your friend is awful for not helping you get your place ready, not responding to your texts/questions, and generally taking advantage of your hospitality and friendship. That part is a given.
You aren’t in the clear on this one because you offered your place, he didn’t ask. You mentioned that what you did is ‘fun stuff you do for spring cleaning,’ so at least hypothetically you would have done it anyway, though maybe not in such a short time.
Also, you and your wife will benefit from the improvements/cleaning after the wedding is over. Finally, nowhere do you say James actually asked you to do any of this.
Cancel if you want.
It’s your place and James has been a trashy friend. But if you do, know that it will likely mean the end of your friendship.” that-1-chick-u-know
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But if you’re worried about it text the guy one last time.
Briefly outline what you have already done and make it clear if they want anything further to be completed it is 100% on them. Also, throw down a deadline for information, you deserve to know exactly what they’re planning to do on your property in advance.
If they can’t manage that then tell them it’s off.” monsteramoons
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Reconnect With My Dad?
“I (21F) went no contact with my Dad about two years ago after he cut off my health insurance with no warning.
We had problems well before this, though. He’s always been in and out of my life as he pleases and never keeps his promises about calling or visiting. The insurance thing was just the icing on top of the cake.
I blocked him and hadn’t spoken to him for two years.
My aunts and uncles, on the other hand, are the best I could’ve asked for. They check in on me, invite me to visit, (even paying for my plane tickets on several occasions), and take interest in my life.
Recently, I came to visit my aunt. She understands how my Dad is and doesn’t approve of his lifestyle. She’s even gone as far as to say that she’s disappointed in how he’s turned out.
As every one of her siblings (excluding my Dad) is huge in the family. Family always comes first to them and you can tell in the way my aunts and uncles talk about their children and grandchildren.
Well, during this visit with my aunt, her husband (my uncle) was taking me out driving. As I was pulling up to the house, he started talking to me about how I should forgive my Dad as he’s the only one I’ll have.
I told my uncle that I had no interest in forgiving my father because I’d given him a million chances.
My uncle basically told me that I should give him another one.
Here’s the thing, my Dad has hurt me more than words can describe. I’ve had to watch through social media as he chooses to be a perfect father to my two step-sisters when he couldn’t care about his biological daughters.
I’ve watched him parade around his grandchildren and godchildren while forgetting my birthday on several occasions.
I’ve watched him go on expensive vacations to Jamaica, New York, Disney World, and much more while telling me he doesn’t have enough money and time to come to visit me.
(I live in Florida and he lives in Virginia)
So why should I forgive him when all he’s done is hurt me?
My uncle told me to go inside so we could continue our conversation since it was hot outside and we were in a convertible.
I went inside and it took him a while to follow me. I figured he was just parking the car and walking around a little bit.
Turns out, my uncle had called my Dad and was budding into our business.
It made me extremely upset because even my aunt told my uncle to stay out of it. But he insisted on trying to ‘repair’ my father and I’s relationship.
I eventually caved under the pressure and unblocked my dad’s phone number for the first time in two years.
I sent him a text and he called me almost immediately. Almost instantly, I could tell that he wasn’t sorry for anything that he’s done.
Essentially, he said that he did nothing wrong and it was all in my head.
We talked for half an hour and I ended up hanging up on him. I told my uncle that we were making up when in reality I just blocked him again so I could prevent more hurt.
So, AITJ for not wanting to contact my dad?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You have no responsibility towards your father at all. If you don’t want contact, you don’t have to have contact.
The problem is, many many people in the world will not understand how it is sometimes better for children to go no contact with one or both of their parents. Some of these people will ask questions, will try and force an issue, and some will get involved. Remember this: you owe nobody an explanation.
You owe nobody your reasons. You are allowed to say ‘I will not discuss this with you, this issue is closed.’
You are allowed to walk away or leave a place if people don’t respect these boundaries.
Tell the people you love that you love them while letting them know you have firm boundaries about this issue. It sounds like they love you too, and sometimes people with a lot of love in their hearts just can’t understand how people can hurt those closest to them.” BuzzardRex
Another User Comments:
“NTJ right now (but you will be if you don’t move past this in the next decade, perhaps with the help of a therapist if you can’t do it alone).
21 tends to be the peak parent-hating phase and most young adults will take some time away from family to mature, gain independence and learn more about themselves and humanity generally. Most people outgrow this condescending period and become confident enough as individuals to recognize that life’s too short to be angry forever.
Good luck.” DplusLplusKplusM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. How can you forgive someone who shows no remorse and has made no effort to apologize for what they’ve done? Your uncle is probably coming from a good place and feels your relationship with your dad can be fixed if someone makes the first move.
But that someone needs to be your dad for that to happen.” LeReineNoir
12. AITJ For Slacking On Housework?
“I (21M) am currently living at home with my mother and brother (26). I am moving into a shared house with some friends next week. In order to do this, my mum has agreed to be a friend’s guarantor for the tenancy, in name only, as her parents are not UK residents and therefore don’t qualify.
Without this support from her (which again, is not financial, only on paper) we are unable to move in. Recently she has become more and more frustrated with me. This is because I have been in the house a lot less and therefore have been doing less housework.
She is upset about this and is threatening to sabotage me and my friend from being able to move.
There are a few reasons I have been around less. I have started a degree, and after two years of crisis and an entire school career of bullying and extreme mental illness, I have a solid group of friends, a love life, and a course I really love for the first time in my life.
Also, I’m trans. She is aware of this, and despite this, makes a conscious effort to misgender me to avoid her friends or partner knowing, passive-aggressively corrects herself on pronouns to demonstrate how ‘difficult’ it is for her, although she corrects to still incorrect pronouns.
She also has been known to cry that I’m now dead to her and she has to love someone that’s not her child.
Today, a week before I’m supposed to move, she’s threatened to sabotage the contract, called me a substance-less jerkbag who doesn’t know how to connect with real humans and never will, and complained that I’m not emotionally supportive of her (something which I was solely responsible for ages 17-20).
So yes. I have been slacking on housework, partially because I’m exhausted and recovering from long-term glandular fever, and partially because I cannot stand to be in the house and finally have a great social life.
Am I really at fault and deserve her frustration?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Get out of that place. This might sound harsh but that woman will never accept you or love you.
And it’s not your fault, okay? It’s her fault. Don’t listen to her. Try to find some other adult or someone who can give a guarantee for your friend because she will hold this on your head for a long time.” freelylost12
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you’re in an impossible situation. You’ve checked out because she’s not nice to you at home. Don’t just withdraw from her, tell her why you’re not helping out.
People like her need to be told when they’re hurting people. Also, you need to rethink that guarantor situation. Sounds like a terrible idea. She’ll only be holding that over your head.” Curls_Knight
11. AITJ For Getting A New Pet?
“Our dog (a beautiful little Pomeranian) was getting to be old and we felt his time was coming so we got a new dog to keep him company while he spent his final weeks/months with us.
Unfortunately, he ended up dying which was very hard for us all but we came across a brand new puppy (another Pom) and picked her up the week after our old dog passed away.
She fits into our family well and both dogs love running around the yard together. This is where I’m asking if AITJ.
We’ve been away on vacation and while we’ve been gone, we’ve had a friend check in on and feed our dogs.
While we were away, I got a message from our neighbor asking if anyone is looking after the dogs because they thought they sounded to be ‘in distress’ because apparently, they were barking a little bit.
I said we had someone looking in on them so all should be fine.
Anyway, cut to today and the neighbor came over to our house to complain to me about the dogs barking through the fence.
In his words, he said ‘your dogs bark all day’ which I highly doubt because I never hear my dogs barking. I explained that one is just a puppy so yeah it might bark sometimes while it is still settling into the family and learning the rules.
He then went off on me asking why I’d get another dog ”to just bark through the fence all day as the other one did.’ It just got me wondering if I should have waited a bit longer between our old dog dying and getting a new puppy because he’s the second person to bring up the fact that we got the new puppy so soon after the old one passed away.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You don’t just go on holiday and leave your dogs, that’s absolutely terrible! Either someone stays at your house, they go to someone else’s house, or you board them.
Also to leave a brand new puppy is even worse. Of course, you don’t hear your dogs barking when you’re at home, because you’re there they’ll be content not to bark.
Leave them alone and they’ll be bored, lonely, and have possible separation anxiety, all of which will cause them to bark.” zlm542
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and I’ll tell you why.
It’s mainly because of your defensive responses when people say YTJ.
You get a new dog and a new RV. Instead of staying home to train the dog, you take off on holiday to break in the new RV, leaving a PUPPY outside all day long.
You even point out that it’s outside all day long in the ‘fresh air’ and your friend pops over to make sure the water and food are full. It’s a puppy and like all babies needs almost constant supervision, not complete disregard, and definitely not left outside all day long.
You say the RV park doesn’t allow pets. So… Book a pet-friendly park. A quick Google search showed me around 50 of them just within 100 miles of me. I can’t imagine that you couldn’t find one, except you didn’t want to take a puppy with you.
You’re a terrible, terrible neighbor. You had a previous dog, probably untrained, and left home to bark while you went on vacations without it (clearly, because you had no idea where pet-friendly campgrounds are), and replaced it with a dog that’s going to be in the same exact situation.
Your neighbor is stuck listening to an untrained dog bark all day, all night whenever you’re away. You have zero respect for your neighbors and seem either ignorant or apathetic to their concerns.
Some people shouldn’t own dogs. You’re one of them.” Luckydays4ever
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. First, getting a new dog when your old dog is weeks/months away from dying is such a trashy move.
Incorporating a new dog into the family is always stressful for the old dog, even if they get along. So basically instead of letting your old dog live his last few in peace surrounded by the people he loved all his life, you dumped a bunch of stress on him.
So your old dog is gone, you have one new dog already, and then you go and get a puppy knowing you’ll be spending time away in your RV? You’re posting on the internet so I assume you know how to use the interwebz, so look up advice about proper dog care and socialization!
For your information, since you don’t seem to get it yet – a dog sitter is someone who STAYS with your dogs while you’re away. You know, like how a babysitter is actually expected to stay with children and not just stop by to feed/water them.
What you asked from your friend is basically the equivalent of asking someone to take in the mail/water plants while you were away, not ‘dog-sitting.” non-omniscient
10. AITJ For Standing My Ground?
“My husband and I were out at dinner with my family and my sister was holding my 5-week-old baby.
After requesting that no one kiss our baby till he’d had his shots, my mom was touching his face with her hands right after she’d licked her fingers. My husband asked her to stop and when she didn’t, he asked for the baby back.
My sister didn’t hear, so my husband asked a few more times and he started to get annoyed. Then my mom said to him something along the lines of ‘women are doing things’ which I took as ‘no, we’re busy with the baby.’ My mom has since denied saying this, but I heard it with my own ears.
He said to my mum that she needs to learn some boundaries, and her response was to look him in the eyes and say ‘are you going to teach me?’. She’s since said this was just banter or a joke, but it certainly didn’t feel that way at the time.
He didn’t say anything back, just looked back at her, clearly angry, and my mom told him to calm down a few times. We all left for dinner shortly after.
Discussions later reveal my mom doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong and is mad at my husband for reacting the way he did.
If she really was joking I can understand how she’d be upset with the reaction she got, but not handing a newborn baby back when asked isn’t really something to joke about.
She’s mad at us for saying we feel disrespected as parents and won’t back down. AITJ for standing my ground?
I’m not overreacting to be pretty annoyed about this right?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not backing down from your mom after the fact. That being said, why did you not get up and demand your baby back and leave? That is your child. When you ask to give your baby back, be it, a father or a mother, you give back that child.
Your mother was not only acting as if the child was hers but also belittled your husband.
Clearly, she has no respect for your husband. You are the jerk in regards to not backing your husband up at the moment, and also to your baby for not snatching him up.
Yes, that’s your mother, but in the end, she’s not respecting your wishes and it’s also disrespecting your husband.” MaxScar
Another User Comments:
“Not really YTJ but this could have been handled better.
Navigating the grandparents with a new baby is a journey of learning (aka a guilt trip, LOL). Obviously now you know that your parents believe they know better than you. This is never going to change so learn to be diplomatic.
The way to show a new baby to relatives before vaccinations are to not let them hold him.
Of course, if they’re allowed to hold him they’re going to think it’s okay to go further.
You just sort of picked the wrong boundaries. But parenting is like a long-term internship where each day you pick up better ways of managing things. This isn’t worth fracturing your family over.
Good luck.” DplusLplusKplusM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s your baby. You set a boundary and they crossed it. In my opinion, neither you nor your husband didn’t do anything wrong.
When my firstborn was 6 months old (she’s 15 now) my husband (only child) and I went to Christmas dinner with his family… I’m talking they had to rent a place out because it was about 60 people.
All I asked my husband was that she not be passed around as a lot of family members had been sick recently. My husband went to show her to a few 2nd cousins of his dads a few tables over and the next thing I knew my child was 7 people away from him while he was talking and she was getting passed around.
So I got up and got her (nicely) from whoever had her and sat back down with her. His 3rd cousin who I took her from said very loudly. ‘It’s not like we were hurting her.’
So I said ‘Are you going to come to our house a 3 am when she is up sick? No? I didn’t think so.’
My MIL tried to say I was being rude so I asked her the same question.
They all shut up then.
It’s YOUR baby, not theirs. They should learn to respect your and your husband’s boundaries regarding YOUR child if they want to see them.” TemperanceB52
9. WIBTJ If I Want Space From My In-Laws?
“My (28F) husband’s (26M) mother recently gave me a call that upset me. She called to say that she thinks our 20-month-old daughter might have autism. While I know that a child with autism is not the end of the world it upset me to think her spending such little time with our daughter would bring her to that conclusion.
She told me she thinks that our daughter is non-verbal and never joyous. I believe the opposite of that, while at home my daughter is always laughing and smiling, she says about 6 different words consistently and every week I hear her saying different things.
MIL seems to think my daughter is non-verbal and never joyous because when we go to visit, my daughter normally falls asleep on the 45-minute rides to their house and when we get to MIL’s house they immediately start trying to smother my daughter with hugs and kisses which makes my daughter upset.
My daughter likes to explore different environments, so when we go to visit she likes to look at the different things around the house. MIL insists that my daughter plays with her and my daughter gets frustrated.
This is also a similar situation when we visit SIL’s house. Rarely do they come to our house to visit my daughter’s normal environment. Now I’m asking if I would be the jerk by wanting to distance my daughter from them for a while because I don’t like the fact they are trying to diagnose my daughter with something when they see her maybe once a month.
For context, I am also 7 months pregnant with our second daughter so I don’t know if I’m just being a little over-emotional about the situation. Also, my husband agrees as well we may need some time apart from them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJs.
Professionals don’t diagnose autism before 5 to 8 (in my country) because before then kids develop at vastly different rates and exhibit all sorts of behaviors for all sorts of reasons.
Your MIL sounds like she is very anxious and this concern is coming from a good place, or she’s maybe envious and wants to spoil something for you. Who knows!
Talk to your husband, he needs to tell his mother to wind her neck in.
And you can certainly take space from your in-laws. Maybe traveling to see them is becoming too much as you’re heavily pregnant? In the future, why not meet halfway at a family-friendly place… A park, zoo, farm, etc for a day out and picnic.
There’s no need to spend a day inside their home.” Just-Collar-5517
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are so many tricky things that people don’t get. You can’t ever parent the mother-in-law or the father-in-law and suggest these things because it’s going to ruin your relationship.
It’s inappropriate for her to do this. What she really needs to do is stuff it and let you handle it. That’s called a boundary. If the kid isn’t in danger, the parents or the in-laws need to stuff it.
I know. I’m a parent and an in-law. It’s just how it goes. You listening to her assessment and deciding that it’s upsetting makes sense.
She’s not gonna understand what she did wrong.
But you’re also pregnant. She doesn’t realize she’s being invasive. She is. She’s just had observations and decided based on her limited contact that something is going on and in the process she is jinxing her relationship with you and her access to her grandchildren.
She needs to shut her mouth and smile and be polite and excepting. Which of course she’s not doing.
You are going to have to have space from her in order to feel comfortable, especially being pregnant.
You are going to feel like she is watching you carefully and examining the kids and making her own assessments. She’s being self-absorbed. The truth is that if you have medical insurance and your kid goes for checkups if there is a problem, there’s a good chance they will notice it.
She’s not minding her own business.” mcclgwe
Another User Comments:
“I’m seeing a lot of ‘I WANT’ from your MIL I want the baby to act this way at this time.
I want the baby to be affectionate when the baby doesn’t. It seems like you’ve allowed your child to have boundaries; which is good. Not every kid wants hugs and kisses.
Could your child have autism?
I guess, but it seems more likely that MIL is reacting to the baby not doing what she wants. If you’re concerned look into scholarly articles and see if there’s anything to worry about (which I doubt based on what she’s complaining about).
Every child has their own personality and growth rate. My kid didn’t start talking much until just shy of three (about 32 months) and her doctors weren’t worried, and like yours, she had keywords that she spoke often enough at home (honestly I can’t remember if she spoke less in public but it wouldn’t surprise me).
So unless their doctor is worried I wouldn’t stress.
Do what works for you as far as how many contacts you have with MIL/SIL. It seems like your husband is in your corner and can handle communication with them for the time being at least which is a huge help.
NTJ.” walkonbi0207
8. AITJ For Not Spoiling My Brother?
“My brother (45) is on the spectrum. Aspergers. It used to be ‘high functioning,’ except he doesn’t function. All my life I’ve been making allowances for his needs, and while my parents tried their best to give me the attention I needed there may be some lingering resentment.
He is married, has a 3-year-old son, and has a job as a civil servant in IT.
My husband and I (42F) have two boys aged 7 and 9. We live about an hour away from where I grew up.
My brother and my parents still live there.
I have tried to build a relationship with my brother and his wife, and so has my husband. Trying to stay in touch, show an interest in them, invite them to our home for dinner, basically normal stuff.
Every year, I try to find personal and meaningful birthday presents.
Our efforts are met with very little. We are invited to birthdays, my parents the only other guests, and spend the afternoon being talked to while my brother doesn’t shift from his spot on the sofa and his wife spends half her time out of the room.
Neither of them shows any interest whatsoever in us. Never once have we been offered a meal.
But what’s worse is how they take advantage of my parents, especially recently. My brother was scared of getting sick, so he got my parents to go to the store for his groceries.
Dad is in his 80s, and has a heart condition and a lung condition! Dad gave him (after discussing it with me, I wasn’t passed over or anything) the cabin he built himself because he was getting too old to maintain it, but my brother gets him to do all the maintenance and improvements.
Dad, ‘we’ need a new door. Dad, it’s really time to sand and repaint the entire exterior.
Even when dad tries to set boundaries (‘if you want a new stove, you need to take care of it yourself’), he manages to manipulate him into driving two hours there and back to pick it up, driving up to the cabin to deliver it, lifting it in and out of the car, etc. I don’t begrudge him for our dad’s willingness to help (the man would crawl across hot coals for either of us, the difference is I don’t let him) but it has to stop.
In the meantime, my brother suffers from a disease he chooses not to get fixed to work-related trauma (he considers himself a ‘whistleblower’ because he disagreed with a decision way above his pay grade) and more that prevent him from doing anything he doesn’t feel like.
He puts in one hour of work a day for his full-time job. My mum babysits because he can’t handle his child by himself. It’s a house of cards about to collapse, and I know I’ll be expected to pick up the pieces.
And I am done. I’m not starting a family argument, for my parents’ sake, but I am done making an effort, and I am most certainly not available to fix things when it all falls apart.
We’ll suffer the birthdays and will always offer a plate of food, but I’m not paying their rent or redoing the cabin’s plumbing. Does that make me the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother’s persistence with maintaining the habits and routines of a lifetime is a direct result of his Asperger’s. These are extremely hard to modify and while you see them as manipulative (and it is detrimental to your parents’ wellbeing) they persist because your parent refuses to enforce new boundaries.
Your description of the awkward social interactions when visiting sounds fairly typical. Have you ever told your brother directly that you expect to be fed, or that his behavior is unwelcoming in some way?
I absolutely understand your frustrations, but silently seething about his inability to adapt his routines, poor social interactions, lack of interpersonal empathy, and ignoring or not identifying typical social cues just sounds like blaming him for his Asperger’s which really isn’t fair to him.
What he does in his job, and his medical conditions aren’t any of your concerns yet it also appears to irritate you. Why? It has zero impact on you. It just sounds like everything he does annoys you.
You want to protect your parents but have you voiced any of these concerns to them? What was their response? You say you don’t begrudge him or your dad’s willingness to help when your whole post screams that you actually do.
When you say you’ll be expected to pick up the pieces when it all collapses, who exactly has voiced this expectation? Your parents? Your brother? If no one has, then why have you assumed this burden?
Simply to give you another thing to be annoyed about? You have choices, if you don’t want to help, then don’t.
It sounds like there lot of unspoken issues within your family.
The main one is the thing you don’t directly address in your post. What happens when your parents die or are physically unable to be available for your brother? You need to sit down with your parents and have an honest conversation about it.
This will be immensely challenging and more likely upsetting but until that conversation occurs you will continue to resent your brother and your parents.” JBW66
Another User Comments:
“What your parents are choosing to do for your brother is none of your business.
You don’t need to be your dad’s defender.
Equally, you don’t need to support your brother and have no responsibility to step into your parent’s place when they become too old or ill to help your brother further.
He’s married and has kids. He has other resources to draw on. He’s probably more capable than you imagine
From what you’ve written, it doesn’t seem that you like him very much.
Is family obligation the only reason you feel you should make an effort at a relationship with him?
NTJ. Live your own life and send a greetings card at Christmas and birthdays.” Just-Collar-5517
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Plenty of people aren’t neurotypical, and they aren’t lazy users who expect other people to sort things out for them because they don’t want to/can’t/don’t want to pay a professional.
The fact that your elderly dad is being manipulated makes it even grosser.
You have every right to avoid your bro when you can, and you certainly don’t have to take over as his whipping boy once your parents can’t do it anymore.
At the moment your brother is being enabled.” Rainbow_dreaming
7. AITJ For Not Inviting My Father To My Wedding?
“I (25F) am getting married to the love of my life (25F), let’s call her Amy, in a few months. We have been going out since we were 18 and friends since we were 14.
She’s bi, I’m lesbian. I’ve known this about myself since I was around 12, but since my dad’s side of the family is religious, I kept it a secret from everyone except a few close friends until I was 15.
My mum’s side of the family was very happy for me and so was everyone at school. Everyone on my dad’s side of the family made it clear they didn’t really ‘believe’ in being gay but said they would support me because they loved me.
It wasn’t a great reaction, but it was really the best I could have hoped for. The issue was my dad. Despite all his family grudgingly accepting it, he didn’t.
He would receptively tell me that I wasn’t going to heaven and that I was an idiot for throwing away my chances to have kids.
He would make comments to every female friend I had over, telling them I probably was only using them for nasty reasons and saying they must be gay too for hanging out with me.
We never talked that much, to begin with, but we went from only having polite small talk to only talking when absolutely necessary. Once I moved out, we didn’t talk at all and only saw each other at big family events.
Amy and I moved in together when we were 22. My dad hated her and blamed her for turning me gay because she came out not long before I did. When I decided to propose to Amy, I made a group chat with my family and hers to help me set up the perfect proposal because she is a big believer in putting yourself out there in front of everyone to ask the big question.
With some thought, I added my dad to it, but once I explained what it was for he left immediately.
The proposal went well and we made plans to have a big wedding.
Her family is far on the wealthy side and we had all the money we wanted to make it perfect. Not long after we sent out invites, I got a message from my dad asking me why he wasn’t invited. I told him that I didn’t think he would want to come.
He told me he would never miss his ‘baby girls’ big day’ and was a changed man. I reminded him of the fact he didn’t even show up for the proposal less than two years ago and he just made excuse after excuse.
I told him that he made my childhood miserable and had ruined multiple previous relationships and he wasn’t invited.
He called me a jerk for not giving him a second chance and we got into a huge argument about it.
Amy doesn’t want him there but says if I want him too then she will respect my decision. Everyone I know keeps telling me different things and I don’t know if I should just invite him to end this conflict.
So, AITJ for not inviting him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Whether he likes it or not, your wedding is not the place for him to prove that he’s changed for the better because there’s too great of a risk that it could all be lip service.
He’s had years to try to make amends and show his growth, but he made the choice not to and now he has to live with the consequences of his actions.
If he has genuinely changed and understands that the way he treated you was wrong, he’ll respect your decision to refuse him an invitation and he’ll work his hardest to be a better, more respectful father as your lives move forward together.
You’re not shutting him out or refusing him a chance to prove himself; you’re just putting your foot down and saying ‘your actions up to now make me unwilling to have you at my wedding, but I’m open to you showing me how far you’ve come along in your opinions over time’.” ShadowCoon
Another User Comments:
“If he wanted to mend fences then he would have been trying. Instead, he saw that his reputation as a father was gonna be tarnished so he is trying to bully you into letting him save face.
He just doesn’t want to be gossiped about in the same place that condemns you to the underworld. He doesn’t deserve to be there. He squandered the precious gift that is a daughter.
If he actually wants to repair things, then he will get in touch after the wedding, when the only thing he gains is a relationship with you. If he doesn’t do that, then you will know that it was never about you or your relationship.
I hope your wedding and marriage are as smooth as sailing on a calm sea. NTJ.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He has treated you and her like garbage for the last few years even when you were intending to propose to her.
I assume after that he gave you no indication that he had removed his head out of his a**e in the last 2 years?
If you are considering inviting him then perhaps having a small get-together and discussing the past and his attitude may steer you in what direction you want to go.
But if he has behaved this poorly for so many years it’s understandable why you don’t want him or his side there.” MersWhaawhaa
6. AITJ For Telling My Friend To Set Her Bar Higher?
“Me (f33) and my friend (f34) have babies who are a few months apart.
This morning she called asking how my weekend was and after some kiddy chit-chat, I told her that I’ve started doing the couch to 5k this week and that I would be going for my 3rd run this afternoon.
She asked who would be watching my little one and I said her daddy of course and that they are going for a walk, she then proceeded to tell me how lucky I was that I had someone to watch my little one while I did ‘stuff like that.’
Now this is only one of many times she has told me how lucky I am in this regard and I finally had enough, I told her no I wasn’t ‘lucky’ my daughter is with her daddy and that’s normal, then I said ‘I’m sorry but maybe instead of thinking I’m lucky you should just expect more from your husband.’
She said that wasn’t a very nice thing to say and hung up and now I’m feeling really bad but honestly, it’s the truth, she is always telling me how she doesn’t get the help she needs but she never does anything about it.
Maybe I should have been a bit more gentle in my approach, I dunno, AITJ here? Should I apologize?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, you were correct that she should expect more from her husband but it wasn’t delivered in a nice way, which makes her correct that it wasn’t a nice thing to say.
Some new parents really get stuck in husband=making money and wife=home/childcare and it could be difficult to get out of it.
So yes, you should have been a bit more gentle in your approach.
If you value the friendship, apologize and ask her over for a baby/mommy-hangout and have an open conversation about sharing the household chores and babycare and ask her how things are in her family and try to help her figure out a proper balance and support her in how she can approach her husband with the changes.
Maybe you could go running together while your husbands look after the kids?
Of course, both parents should get their own time and the other parent takes the children during that time.
My husband and I have had our own things since before we became parents and we still have them. Your own thing is important since you’re more than a parent.” Waste-Phase-2857
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yes, you could have spoken from a place of empathy and maybe suggested that she try to have a conversation with her husband about how she feels. That would have been unsolicited advice though, which I often see people complain about here; but it’s either that or draw clear boundaries.
For example, you could explain that you love and support her but you need to better understand when she wants advice vs. an ear to listen while she vents. From there you could tell her that you respect her right to handle her marriage and parenting in whatever way suits her, but it’s unfair to push her issues onto you.
If she isn’t willing to work on a parenting style that makes her happier that’s her issue.
It’s not okay for her to throw her ‘you’re so lucky OP’ remark when she isn’t setting expectations in her own home.
I empathize with her situation as a tired mom who probably feels like she doesn’t have any free time for her own hobbies or interests, but you have no control over that OP.
And honestly, hearing someone ‘vent’ about the same problem over and over is beyond frustrating.
Forgot to add, that I get where you must have been coming from. I would have been pretty annoyed to once again be told how ‘lucky’ I am because my partner was doing basic dad things.
I guess all we can do is continue to stop praising fathers, and promoting them to God-tier status, for doing things that any parent SHOULD be doing.
If you and your partner commit to raising a child, it makes perfect sense to try to equally share the responsibility.
Obviously, we know that’s not always the case. But please, let’s all agree to stop handing out gold stars to dads for doing things that we count as basic tasks of motherhood.” Embarrassed-Baker-10
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because she already knows she’s trapped in a marriage with someone who can’t or won’t co-parent. Her complaints about him are what prompted your statement. She’s very clear about her situation and didn’t need you piling on.
That said, we here can’t possibly know their circumstances. If she’s not working and he’s putting in 100+ hour weeks to support the family then she can’t really ‘expect more’ from him. It’s really best to just stay out of other people’s marriages.” DplusLplusKplusM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you stated that she has complained to you about her husband not stepping up and parenting many times. And I’m sure all of those times you were kind and sympathetic and this time you finally snapped. You do not need to constantly hear about her problems if she’s not actively trying to solve them.
You’re not a therapist or a marriage counselor. You were blunt but maybe after all those complaints, she needed to hear it that way.
Also, I absolutely cannot stand people saying ‘you’re so lucky’ when it’s a dad actually parenting.
You’re right, it’s not luck, it’s being a normal partner in parenting. Equal help on both sides isn’t lucky it’s what should be expected. And I’ve heard from a lot of good dads it’s offensive to ‘praise them’ for doing the bare minimum/what’s expected.
I would tell her you no longer what to hear her complaints if she’s not going to make attempts at fixing those issues!” Flimsy-Dragonfly-178
5. WITJ If I Leave My Brother And His SO With My Parents?
“So I, a (19 yr old male), am currently living in at my brother and his SO’s house that my parents let him have for the time being since my parents live in the mountains far away from here.
My brother took me in to live with him and his SO’s place at their apartment a while ago but we moved here to one of our parents’ houses since they moved out and needed people here since my brother saw how I was being ragged on by my parents mentally and even physically sometimes and things were good for like a year or so we got along and had a system and everything was pretty good as far as things were.
The problem started a couple of months ago when my brother would get incredibly snappy at me for even the slightest mistake I did every once in a while, like not washing the dishes even though I wash my own and the only dishes there were his and his SO, even though he said that we should all just wash our own dishes.
He said other things like where a rule that we all follow but then change it to something that I need to do because I don’t have a job yet. Since I haven’t finished senior high and all the jobs here where I’m from need you to finish at least senior high so I’m finishing off that year for now.
I’m considering leaving the house we’re in to go to my parents’ house in the mountains because he’s been getting worse dumping more and more responsibilities on me, expecting me to do all of them just fine purely on the fact that I don’t have a job, therefore, I should clean and maintain everything in the house while I do my online classes.
They expect me to clean up after all 3 of the dogs they got (2 Germans and 1 lab mix). They poo and pee all over the tile floors every single day because they got them on a whim and didn’t train them properly on potty stuff nor did they train them on anything at all and are considering on getting another smaller dog to ‘let upstairs into our rooms and to take to the mall’ and such, I’ve told them multiple times that this isn’t a good idea to no avail and they expect me to clean up after that one as well when they do get it.
(PS, brother also physically hits the dogs whenever they jump on him as a greeting because their nails are sharp since they didn’t train the dogs on how to calmly get their nails clipped.)
Doing brothers NFT game account which takes roughly 6-7 hours to complete in a day and that needs to be done daily and he expects me to do that along with my online classes which are also very demanding of my time and not to mention I already have an NFT account he forced me to play that already takes 4 hours of my time.
And even to be a working college student juggling both part-time work and my studies all the while doing everything above I’ve listed. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Something weird is going on with your brother.
Maybe he’s started consuming excessive pharmaceuticals? Or maybe he’s just tired of your company. He’s been very generous, paying your tuition, etc., so it seems peculiar that he’s suddenly so arbitrary.
Try to stick it out till you get your diploma (and wash all the dishes, not just your own plate) unless you can also attend your classes from your parents’ place in the mountains — and assuming that they will let you move back in.” lonnielee3
Another User Comments:
“Well… If I were you I’d be looking for employment, then the whole ‘you aren’t working’ excuse goes out the window. Take your study stuff and find a place to be out of the house while you do job applications and school work.
Just never be home.
But moving back to parents who you describe as abusive is just jumping back and forth between the fire and the frying pan.
NTJ.” Facetunethis
4. AITJ For Replying With "I Don't Know?"
“I, (13 F) was helping my grandma, (87 F) to our dinner table. She asked me if my cousin (mid ’20s) was home as we passed his room. I said ‘I don’t know’ in our native language (I don’t think saying what I said exactly would be allowed as it isn’t in English, but it basically just means ‘I don’t know’).
She then said, ‘Why are your answers always negative?’ I didn’t see how it was negative but I said ‘I’m not required to know if he’s home or not, and she proceeds to say ‘Yes… but why can’t you say it in a nicer way?’ I was speechless.
My dad heard and proceeded to shout at me asking what I told her. I simply repeated what I said.
A few moments later, we are eating dinner and she says something along the lines of ‘You always say you don’t know.
At least give some importance to your cousin.’ I couldn’t say ‘I don’t give a crap. He isn’t my priority, and it’s not my obligation to know about his whereabouts.’ She then continues to say stuff about how disrespectful ‘I don’t know’ sounds, how I should say something else instead of ‘I don’t know’, I should have a nicer tone, yadda yadda.
My dad says I should have said something like, ‘He’s not home’ even if that means I know about where he is but him being the narcissist he is, talked over me (I don’t remember what he said.)
I remember him saying my grandma is old and needs more attention because she’s emotional… what about me, though? This may be slightly irrelevant.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Ooh, this might be more of a generational association thing, I know some older folks think ‘I don’t know’ sounds disrespectful to them because of years of association.
I know for me, someone saying ‘Whatever’ has that same connotation.
Maybe you could find alternative ways to say it, this will help you also to develop a wider variety of expressions to express yourself as well.
For example, if you genuinely don’t know, maybe you could say ‘I’m not sure, but I could go find out and let you know’ or ‘I didn’t see him around the house, he could be in his room’, ‘It doesn’t look so, but I can find out if you’d like me to do so’.
Sometimes it’s just information they are after to know who’s home presently with them, and don’t actually want you to go looking for anyone. But this way you get to answer your grandmother as well as get an idea of what she really means by her question; is it just info she wants to know, or does she really want to know if someone is home to ask for something, etc. Good luck OP!” Rohini_rambles
Another User Comments:
“Maybe given that you’re very young, the issue isn’t actually about the specific words you used in that interaction. Maybe it’s more to do with you becoming a teenager.
And the way that communication changes between teens and their adults. To us older folk, our very much loved teenagers can at times come across as being more distant, moody, blunt, confrontational, negative, quick to anger, and emotional than they were.
Teens need to push back at their parents, become independent and take responsibility… It comes with a lot of tension, frustration, and eye-rolling.
It’s hard to be a teenager and it’s hard to be the parent of a teenager too.
So NTJ at all, but please reach out to your adults and show them some love every once in a while.
Equally, if this is the underlying issue, they need to be able to speak with you (and you with them) honestly and openly about all of this, without pinning all their anger on some random interaction, so that their argument makes no sense leading to more resentment on your part.” Just-Collar-5517
3. AITJ For Not Waiting For My Partner?
“I’m 26, my partner is the same age.
I work in finance and she’s a doctor. We’ve been seeing each other for nearly a year and talking about marriage, she kind of knows a proposal is coming her way next month or so.
We just clicked on so many things are we were adamant that this is the one.
Recently we are both quite stressed out with her having her exams coming up and I just switched to a new post with new processes to learn as well as licensing exams, both got a bit short tempered I suppose.
Today, we were supposed to meet up in town, after her training which she thought it’d end by 2 pm, or 3/4 pm if she started late. I was like cool you do your awesome things and prep to save patients, I’m always fine with that and I was mentally prepped that she might be out as late as 4 pm.
It was gonna be a short meet-up for a few hours since she had to head home after. Better than nothing I suppose.
Meanwhile, I just organized a long lunch with some friends and waited it out.
Got a text from her at 4:30 pm saying the thing is still not yet over, I was wrapping up with friends so once I saw them off, I rang her up and texted her at 5 pm, but no response.
I waited till 5:30 and thought, well she must be busy, I don’t know when she’ll end and there’s no indication, I might as well take the train home.
At 5:45, she texted me saying she was out and I told her I’m heading back, she got upset saying I shouldn’t have done that since we were scheduled to hang out till 7 pm.
Then it dragged into how I have become less sensitive and less available to her as we are getting more and more comfortable with each other.
And she said we should re-evaluate whether we are right for each other and not rush into things.
From my point of view, I just didn’t know what was an appropriate time to wait out, especially when there was no indication. I didn’t mind she’s had to stay late for work and tied up with cases so I didn’t get a notification, but there must be a cut-off to say ok I’m not just gonna wait out here in the station till you decide to pop up right?
Adding to the situation, the jeweler rang literally just now and told me the ring is ready for collection.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but there are better ways for everyone to handle this.
Healthcare is extremely unpredictable. I’m a nurse and technically I work 7-7. But does that mean I get off at 7? Never. Do I get off before 745? Sometimes. And when you are running around like a crazy person, you don’t stop to text people.
This will come up again. Now, this doesn’t mean you have to wait but you should have told her you were leaving before you already left.
Sit down with your partner and establish a precedent.
Like she has to let you know when she’s going to be late and you in return will let her know how long you will wait.
For example: ‘Hey darling. I’m running late.’ ‘Okay.
I’ll hang out and have a couple of beers but if it’s going to be more than an hour, I’m going to head back.’
If y’all are serious about getting married you are going to have to work on conflict resolution.
Might as well start now.” Unicornsuperfan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your partner needs to manage her expectations. There’s a big difference between her turning up at 2 and not even being around by 5.45 pm and thinking anyone should wait around for you that long for what would be like, 1 hour together, is pretty self-centered to be honest.
Her saying that you should re-evaluate things sound manipulative, to be honest. Why reevaluate your whole relationship because you wouldn’t wait around all day without hearing from her? Does she often expect you to do what she wants?
Do you often just do it? Maybe you need to be a bit more assertive and expect good treatment yourself.
I wouldn’t propose to her just now. I’d say those are a few red flags in her direction and I’d work those out first.” Jambomo
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – it was reasonable that with no communication on when she would be out you left, it was also reasonable that she was disappointed when she got out you were not there when she expected to see you.
I think you need to have a conversation about how to handle similar situations in the future. Agree to an amount of time you will wait without communication from her. You’re right that as a doctor this is likely to happen again so talking about it now and coming up with a plan would prevent conflict in the future.” hnn314
Another User Comments:
“Communication is a two-way street. You’re not omnipotent. You may think of yourself highly and it’s great when your partner holds you up on a pedestal but, wow, that fall sure sucks doesn’t it?
This isn’t a reasonable standard to be held to. It doesn’t even make sense. She’s expecting you to do what here? Ask her what she would have preferred you do.
Be patient and read a book. Teach yourself how to knit. You can adjust your expectations to avoid their judgment/wrath or they’ll have to compromise, and figure out you’re but a mere mortal. Good luck.
Hold onto the ring for a while. They may be wonderful, but some things can be hard to extract yourself from. Marriage and engagement are two of those things. Be sure.
You’re NTJ here.” totalitarianbnarbp
2. AITJ For Being Frank With My Friend?
“About 2-3 days ago, an old friend texted me saying he was lied to and was really sad and missed me. I decided to not be rude and comfort him about the situation.
Then he asked to be friends again and that he was sorry for whatever he did to put a hold on our friendship. I didn’t respond because I didn’t know what to do.
Every night after that, he would text me goodnight. Today I finally responded with this. ‘I mean this in the nicest way possible, you did nothing wrong at all, so if you blame yourself for our friendship being put on hold don’t.
In all honesty, I feel this friendship has/was one-sided. I feel like the only reason you wanted to be my friend was to vent to me which has been proven many times.
The only reason you texted me was that you were lied to. Also, the reason I stopped responding was that I didn’t want to talk to you, and truthfully I don’t have any type of feelings towards you, through compassion, romance, or just friendship.
When I lost my Xbox I also lost all feelings of relationship towards you. So please stop messaging me, if it wasn’t clear enough when I blocked you. I hope life treats you well.
I won’t block you so feel free to respond to this but this is the last text I will ever send to you.’
He responded saying he was truly sorry and would never vent to me again which I replied with.
‘I understand that, I truly do. Though what I stated was also true and I need you to understand that, I feel nothing towards you, you are a stranger to me. You don’t exist in my world and never will.
I did not care whether you vented to me but the fact was that you only ever texted me to vent and never once had a conversation. The fact, in the end, is I feel nothing absolutely nothing towards you, you are nothing towards me, I’m tired of being civilized towards you because it clearly doesn’t work so please understand you are nothing to me and will never be.’
Then he responded saying he was sorry and that he still wants to be friends, and I told him that was not an option for me, then told him not to pity me or himself because neither of us deserve it.
To which he responded saying he understands but still wants to text. I said no and that’s the end so far. I don’t feel pity or guilt towards myself or him.
Am I the jerk?
UPDATE: He just texted saying if he can prove he’s loyal and still wants to be my friend, could we be friends again? I told him I would flip out if he messages me again, and that I stated multiple times I didn’t want to be friends.
Then I blocked him.
To explain the whole ‘this is the last text ever’ and then text him. When I sent that message it truly was going to be the last, and I thought that he would understand what I was saying, he didn’t.
I didn’t want to block him without making sure he understood what I was saying that’s why I texted him again, to clarify my thoughts.”
Another User Comments:
“You are young and I guess that explains a lot of your over-sharing of information, but I want to be gentle and yet very honest with you about your style of communication— it’s very manipulative and sometimes unnecessarily cruel.
And I don’t think you mean it to be, I’m not even sure you’re aware of it.
I suspect that you’re trying to work out feelings of rejection by this person.
They picked someone over you, drop you like a rock when things are good for them, and then come crying back to you for support. You feel rejected and abandoned by this ‘friend,’ you’ve discovered a pattern of behavior, and you’re hurt.
So now you’re trying to control what happens next. And that’s fine, but you’re not going about it in a good way.
When you’re saying things like, ‘you’re nothing to me,’ I’m not sure I believe that.
I think this person hurt you deeply and you want them to hurt in the same way they hurt you. You felt like nothing because they only vent to you; so you are trying to exact the same punishment.
Here’s the thing: you can’t control how someone feels about you. If they don’t hold you in high esteem, there’s nothing you can really do to change that.
You need to know that their devaluation of you is NOT about you. It’s about them and their inability to appreciate people. You’re not the broken person; they are. But you can’t continue to communicate the way you are or you will start a cycle of manipulative behavior that you will carry forward in future friendships and relationships.
I think you need to work on your self-esteem, something easier said than done. It’s not just about loving yourself, it’s a whole new way of viewing yourself and your worthiness.
And with good self-esteem, you will learn to set good, healthy boundaries and you will communicate in ways where your goal is to protect yourself and not hurt someone else emotionally.
A gentle ‘everyone sucks here’, because I think you’re in an unhealthy friendship/relationship but I also sense you want better things for yourself.
Good luck OP.” PaulyRocket68
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He signs possessive, lots of people grow apart in friendships for many reasons, and bringing the adult and realizing you don’t want to be their friend is a big deal. And even more so openly communicating it, well done you.
If he cannot accept that I would block him again, he’s not going to improve your life by pestering you.” Plenty_Gift_1220
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your friend needs to let it go if you don’t want to be friends, but your message was weird.
‘When I lost my Xbox, I also lost all feelings of relationship towards you’ is unnecessary information. You could have just said, ‘Sorry, I feel that my life has moved on from when we were friends, and I don’t really see us coming back together as friends.
I wish you all the best’.” westerlies_abound
1. AITJ For Not Going To The Store For My Wife?
“My (39m) wife (32f) lost her job a week ago. Her boss had been inappropriate and when she went to HR she was suddenly terminated for ‘tardiness’.
We’re going to seek recourse, but we know it’ll be tough to prove. In light of this, she’s been understandably down this week.
My wife normally eats very healthily. She meal preps for lunch and all that.
This last week though, she Doordashed us dinner on the nights it was her turn to cook. It’s been pizza, burgers, and chicken tenders, not a vegetable in sight. On the nights I cooked, she instead opted for chips and candy.
To be honest, I’ve been a bit worried. I don’t know what my wife eats when I’m at work, but I’ve found a lot of fast food wrappers in the trash. I don’t want her health to suffer from this.
I didn’t say anything though, because I get that she was feeling awful.
Three days ago my wife told me she was constipated. I was a bit taken aback, as this isn’t something we normally share.
Before anyone says ‘it’s natural’, we BOTH choose to keep our functions private. It’s just respect we have for each other. I didn’t want to make a big deal of it the first time, so I just told her I was sorry.
All evening she kept saying that she had to go to the toilet and couldn’t, but I tried to ignore it.
Two days ago, my wife started passing gas around me. We’ve both had a few slips in our 4 years of marriage, but we usually apologize.
These past two days weren’t that. She’s been very open with her gas, even in bed with me. I asked my wife to please stop passing gas, but she told me that she couldn’t because she still wasn’t able to go to the toilet.
I decided to sleep on the couch that night.
Last night, I got home from work to my wife laying on the couch eating cheese puffs. I asked her how her day was and she whined that she STILL couldn’t go to the toilet.
I was getting irritated at this point, so I made myself dinner and took it to our room, where I stayed the rest of the night.
A little bit after midnight, my wife woke me up.
I asked her what was wrong and she bluntly told me she ‘needed to poop now’. I told her to go to the toilet then! She told me that she still couldn’t, but her stomach hurt so bad that she had to go now.
She asked me to go to the store and get her an enema. I told her I was sleeping, but I’d pick it up on my way home from work tomorrow. She raised her voice and said I had to get it right now.
I was pretty miffed at this point. I told my wife that she caused this problem herself. That if she wasn’t eating crap she wouldn’t be constipated. That she could’ve gone to the store at any time yesterday or could wait until tomorrow.
She left the bedroom and was slamming cupboards, I assume to keep me awake.
My wife wouldn’t talk to me this morning before work. I texted her asking if she still needed me to get her something on the way home, but she hasn’t responded. Am I the jerk for not getting her what she needed at midnight?
Edit: A lot of you are saying I don’t care about my wife’s health and I just want to make sure she doesn’t gain weight. This is far from true. I would still love my wife if she gained weight.
She has a family history of heart disease though. Her parents and siblings are all very overweight or obese. Her sister put on a LOT of weight and developed diabetes.
A lot of you are telling me that we should be able to pass gas, go to the toilet openly, discuss bowel movements in detail, and even enjoy it.
That not doing so means we’re immature and ‘only roommates’. Oh and that I expect my wife to be perfect and basically ban her from passing gas. I don’t agree with this.
If people want to do that in their marriage, that’s perfectly fine. We don’t.
We BOTH choose not to pass gas in the company, go to the toilet privately, and not discuss what’s going on in there.
I don’t hold her to a higher standard. I’m not sitting around ‘letting it rip’ while she holds it. If we’re hanging out and I really need to pass some gas, I excuse myself to the toilet.
She’s actually the one who started this.
Soon after we moved in together, she said she wanted to talk about an aspect of living together. I remember she was blushing as she told me she wanted to continue keeping toilet use and ‘other things’ private.
I told her that I actually completely agreed. Also, I’m fine if she says something like ‘my stomach isn’t well’.
Edit #2: I don’t know where a bunch of you are getting this whole idea that I refused to cook for her.
We each cook for three days and get takeout one day a week. I cooked for two days and she passed on dinner. My third day was when I ate in our room, but I wrapped up a plate for her and put it in the fridge.
Maybe I should have volunteered to cook on her days since she’s been down.
I work four 10s though and my commute is an hour and a half each way so it’s difficult for me to cook every single night.
That’s also why I found it such a big ask to go to the store. I’m running thirteen hours four days a week, so I’m exhausted those days. I wasn’t mad at the DoordDsh, just giving background.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. My fiancé and I have been living together for 4 years and we have a similar rule about bodily functions. We both think farting is gross and avoid doing so in front of each other.
Yes, accidents happen and we’ve both farted in front of the other a few times over the years but when we can leave the room, we do. Couples can have whatever boundaries they want.
I don’t think your relationship is weird or ‘just roommates’ because you don’t rip it or poop in front of each other.
That said, it sounds like you should have probably done more to check in on her since it’s clear she’s going through a rough time.
You can’t force her to eat better since she’s not even eating healthy food when you’re cooking but you should talk to her and ask what else she needs from you. Definitely bring home some laxatives, prune juice, and maybe additional fruit home to help her stomach.
But also see what other support she needs. Has she been added to your health insurance yet? Get her in to see a therapist. This is a time when you need to step up and take on more to support her.
Definitely NTJ for not wanting to go at midnight but you probably should have offered to go before work. I was in a very similar situation. Constipated for a few days and my stomach hurt.
My partner offered to go to the store and I said no. He let me know he wasn’t going anywhere after 9 pm so if I changed my mind after then it would have to wait.
We go to sleep by 9:30 and guess what I changed my mind and let him know early (around 6 pm), he went and I got what I needed. I could have gone myself, and likely so could she.
Also, Doordash exists. A little more grace and looking out for your wife ahead of time would go a long way, but I don’t think your refusal to go at midnight makes you a jerk.” turtlescanfly7
Another User Comments:
“I think you’re extremely shallow. Your wife spiraled into an obvious depressive binge eating and your biggest where you was that she was not eating a vegetable and that she was farting in front of you and talking about her bowel habits.
You have zero concern for her house as long as it’s gross, inconvenient, or inelegant. When health is about regular exercise, eating healthy meals, and having regular bowel habits that don’t require you to notify your spouse you are very happy to participate but when you have a dysfunction of normal function that relieves nastiness suddenly you no longer care about health.
First of all, I sincerely hope your wife’s constipation did not lead to a bowel obstruction. Secondly, open your eyes and get your wife some proper health care both for her mental health and her physical symptoms. Thirdly when your wife is ready get her to sue her company.
YTJ.” Ambitious-Screen
Another User Comments:
“Gonna go with ‘everyone sucks here’. Your wife needs to grow up and take responsibility for her health and make the connection that eating all junk and zero vegetables for an extended period of time is going to have uncomfortable consequences on her health.
As her husband though, you are supposed to love her unconditionally in sickness and in health. If she wasn’t your wife, this would be different, if she was a roommate or something.
But she is your wife so you should be loving and supporting her.
Did you prepare healthy food for her during this time? Encourage her to eat? When she initially complained of constipation did you try helping her?
People fall into depression and make bad decisions. If you are watching your partner slipping and choose not to help at all, don’t be surprised when it all boils over and you are needed more urgently.
Also, your wife is an adult who should know how to take care of herself and should understand the consequences of a poor diet.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for generally not giving a crap about your wife.
You have a super weird relationship. I’m very confused. Are you a former Mormon or Amish? The level of intimacy you describe sounds like you’re roommates, not spouses. Farting is usually a quaint issue at the beginning of a relationship or in your first relationship before you understand what it means to be a human in a fully intimate relationship with another human.
Your wife’s life just took a major hit and she’s obviously spiraling. Though your response seems generally to not get involved and to be coldly disappointed, as though she’s a failure that’s inconveniencing you.
She’s your wife, not a roommate. Do you really not care about her unless she’s doing great?
Also, the lack of anatomical/medical awareness is odd. After several days of painful constipation, the situation can escalate to impaction and worse.
Even if she does pass it, at this point it may result in a**l tearing, rectal prolapse, etc. I mean, not everyone has these specifics, but everyone knows that after a few days of not pooping problems arise; and that if the situation has been painful for a few days it likely needs the intervention of some kind.” MissAnthropy_YIKES
