People Wonder If They're The Bad Guy In These "Am I The Jerk?" Circumstances
16. AITJ For Being Brutally Honest With My Infertile Sister-In-Law?
“My younger brother has been with wife about 7 years, married for 2 of those years.
In the early years, my husband and I put in a lot of effort to get to know her as my brother lived with us, and she would be over almost every day. It just never happened.
Even when my husband would drive her an hour out of the city to see her parents, sometimes he could barely get 5 words out of her, so we figured she was shy or didn’t like us or whatever and eventually just stopped pushing.
When we had our first kid, it was the same deal. The one time she was around our kid for the holidays, she just said she didn’t really “do kids” and walked off, which is fine; they are our spawn, and we don’t expect others to like them, so we haven’t pushed our kids on them.
We still invited her and my brother to baby showers and birthdays and events (we have 2 kids now) but always made it clear they didn’t have to come if it wasn’t their thing, and they never did.
My other brother and his husband are child-free but love being uncles. They come around a lot, and they spend a lot of time with our kids. It’s great, and we are very lucky.
Well, recently, my younger brother and sister-in-law started trying and learned she is infertile. Obviously, I feel awful for them as I can’t imagine how it would feel. I reached out to my brother about how he wanted us to deal with things going forward as I am expecting again, and I didn’t want to do anything or invite them to anything that would hurt, even though they never come.
Well, my brother said they wanted invites and would be coming to things now. I was a bit surprised, but as he said, they did show up to my youngest’s birthday party. It was a disaster. My sister-in-law would not stop nitpicking my husband and I and our kids. Our kids were too loud, I got the wrong food, they needed better manners, they needed better clothes.
The kicker was when she kept trying to force my youngest to let her pick her up. She doesn’t know her, so she didn’t want her to pick her up. She went to my older brother’s husband instead.
My sister-in-law then declared since my existing kids were brats, she would just be the godmother and best aunt to my expected one and that they (brother and his husband) “could have” the others.
I told her flat out that my kids aren’t brats; they just don’t know her, and she doesn’t get to play house with my new baby and ignore my other kids under any circumstances if she wants to be an involved family member.
She argued with me, so I also told her she had plenty of opportunities to be in our and the kids’ lives, and I don’t like how she’s suddenly bursting in and being rude and controlling.
Obviously, I understand her recent fertility news is part of the reason she’s acting like this, but I don’t think that means she can’t be held responsible for her words and actions or act like she’s entitled to my kids. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You said absolutely the right thing. You need to be firm with her. Yes, infertility’s hard.
I’m now past the point where I could have had some kind of help to conceive – I’ve known since I was 18 that I would need help. Whatever she’s finding difficult, that doesn’t excuse her from minimum standards of behavior. You are so NTJ. You are a gutsy mom.” pinguthegreek
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m very sorry for her news.
That sounds really hard. But she’s an adult and can behave like one or can go back to not attending if things are too hard right now (or if this behavior continues, she should no longer be invited). Good for you not letting her talk about your children this way and setting a clear boundary and also respecting your daughter’s autonomy in not wanting to be picked up by her.
I hope your husband and other family was supportive of you in this situation.” dianamxxx
15. AITJ For Not Wanting My Overweight Friend To Go Hiking With Me?
“I’m 32. I’m slightly overweight but fit. A friend who I will call K is 40 and weighs 390 pounds.
I love K to bits; he’s my best friend. However, due to his disabilities and weight, he can’t do much. He requires oxygen, needs AC, he can’t move half a mile before having to take a break.
He gives up really easily on things too.
I decided I’m going to go hiking in Arizona this summer. I’m fully prepared and experienced due to me hiking in the past. The trails I chose are considered moderate to difficult. I’m also going to be camping out in the wilderness.
I told K about my plans and how I was excited, and he insisted he should come along.
This would not be a good idea due to his disabilities and weight. If a room he’s in is over 60 degrees, he’s sweating and barely able to breathe. Plus, he can barely walk 5% of the trails I planned to go.
I told him I’d prefer to do it alone and explained to him how there will be no AC, phone service, or anywhere stable for him to walk.
I also expressed concern for his oxygen tank.
Instantly, he got defensive saying that he knows his limits and how he can handle it. I told him temps can go over 100 degrees, and it’s all rocky terrain. I worry about his safety because if he falls and gets injured, I won’t be able to help him easily.
He stopped texting me at that point. A few hours later, his girl texted me saying I hurt his feelings, and he’s been sulking over it.
She told me I should bring him regardless of what could happen, and instead of camping, I should put some bucks down for a hotel. I told her my reasoning and how I don’t want to do that. Hiking and camping is a hobby of mine, and if I wanted to stay in a hotel, I would have booked it.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and neither of them are texting me, and his chick blocked me on social media.
Am I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am disabled; however, I acknowledge and respect my limits. As much as it might seem fun, the reality of it is that if he stopped breathing or had a heart attack, etc. (which is a very real possibility), you would be the only one there to help him, and due to his size, it would be extremely difficult.
Not to scare anyone, but as someone who has done rigorous medical training, I can promise you that performing CPR for any length of time is extremely difficult, and you find yourself fatigued very quickly. That is only exacerbated if the person is large, and especially on a trail like that in those kind of temperatures, it’s unlikely that you could provide enough CPR to circulate his b***d until help arrived. I have no idea how far from civilization you’d be, but I’m going to assume that you wouldn’t be able to get emergency services out there very quickly.
There’s also the issue of potentially having no signal, I’m not too sure how that works in the US, but I’d imagine if you don’t have any, you aren’t getting that call in.
As for the oxygen tank, it would be incredibly dangerous to take one with him because of the sun. I’d imagine it isn’t possible to stick to a shaded route, and oxygen tanks are not supposed to be kept in the sun.
Alongside that, it would be pretty hefty to carry for such a long way, and on top of his body weight, it would all be a huge struggle.
You are allowed to say NO. As awful as it may seem, taking him with you would be you essentially saying, “Yes, I agree to take full responsibility of you in the event that a medical crisis happens.” It could be as simple as him tripping and cutting his shin.
If it immobilized him, you wouldn’t be able to move him on your own nor would you be safe to try. Hard NTJ from me.” pink-wizard
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
This is definitely not a trip for your friend, but I think you aren’t preparing yourself enough to hike in Arizona in the SUMMER.
You state that “it could be over 100 degrees.” You are so wrong… It WILL be over 100 degrees every day, if not 110.
(I know because I live in Phoenix.) People die every year hiking in the summertime. Even locals don’t really hike during that season.” tetrahedra_eso
Another User Comments:
“You should have encouraged him to do a “trial run” or to “train” for the hike/camp.
He has to be able to walk a certain distance every day (average how far you were planning to go each day) without the oxygen.
After a month, add a backpack containing the weight of food, water, and gear he’ll need to carry. After another month, increase the distance to the maximum you expect to go in a day, and he still carries the backpack.
Either he’ll choose to give up (or die trying), or he’ll lose weight and get fitter.
You could add: no oxygen or AC at night.
If he can’t sleep without them at home, how could he manage without them on the trail?
I have had people (including myself) practice camping in their own backyard. Use the inside toilet, but otherwise, they’re outside all night. This also helps people ‘shake down’ their equipment. Maybe a thicker inflatable mattress is needed. Perhaps better insect repellant.
Make him read Wild by Cheryl Strayed. He can watch the movie after reading the book if he wants to, but read the book first.
Instead of just telling him “no,” let him prove to himself that he can’t do it, or improve his fitness to where he can. I’m betting on the former.
And if his girl wants him to go to a hotel, they can pay for it. That’s not your holiday. Enjoy your hike, OP. NTJ.” RevKyriel
14. AITJ For Bringing Up My Sister's Failed Marriage After She Judged My Parenting?
All I can say is, yikes.
“My sister Julie (48f) is recently separated from her husband, and she didn’t have a place to stay since he kicked her out. The reason is, she was caught having an affair. I’m (29M) not happy about what she did, but I guess she’s still my sister you know, so for now, she’s staying here with my 13-year-old nephew.
Her oldest is with his dad and doesn’t wanna see her at all. My daughter is 11, and she’s already having her periods. Her mom’s not around, so she’s with me full time. We only have one bathroom, so she keeps her pads there because it’s more convenient obviously.
Julie’s older, so I know she has different thinking. She’s been super judgy about it.
When she first saw them, she gave the pads to my daughter and told her that “those stay in your room, honey; everyone else uses the bathroom too.” I asked her what the heck? My daughter is allowed to have them there. Julie thinks it’s not appropriate to have her pads there because other people could see them. Then she didn’t want to hear my argument because I’m a guy and just don’t understand.
My brothers and cousins are coming over later, so we’re cleaning up a bit. Again, she tells my daughter she should put them in her room for now until everyone leaves.
I confronted her about it because it’s not even a big deal. But it’s because everyone will know she’s on her period. And I said there’s also toilet paper in the bathroom so everyone “knows” people take a number two in this house, so why does it matter if they know someone in the house is also having periods?
It’s not exactly this secret thing nobody knows about.
When she said she’s just caring about her niece since I’m not being a good father setting a proper example for her, I told her I’m not the one who imploded their kids’ lives for screwing another man, so she has no right telling me what kind of parent I am.
And that did not go well.
She called me a bunch of names and then she went to go cry in the guest room. I’m still mad about what she said. Obviously, she thinks I was a huge jerk for what I said for bringing up the issues in her marriage right now that she’s in a vulnerable place. Maybe because I’m mad it’s hard to see why I’d be the jerk when what I actually said was the truth, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Does your sister also avoid groceries stores, general convenience stores, and pharmacies because gasps she may see some feminine hygiene products?
At 48, your sister needs to grow up and stop shaming your daughter for being a girl. She also doesn’t have a right to tell you and your daughter what to do in your own home. She’s a guest.
Also, the bathroom is where I keep my pads and tampons because that’s where they are used. If my visitors want to go through my cabinets and learn I have periods, then they are welcome to do so. They aren’t shameful things like your sister makes them out to be.
She called you a bad father. You pointed out she’s a bad mom.
She shouldn’t judge others’ parenting if she can’t handle the judgment back. She did negatively affect her kids by having an affair. You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, whereas she did. Good job for standing up for your daughter. Tell her to put the pads back in the bathroom where they belong.” PotatoLover-3000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is trying to embarrass her about something that is a normal body function.
It is totally normal for tampons/pads to be kept in a bathroom. I would be extremely concerned about what else she will say to your daughter that would be considered shameful.
Frankly, the comment that I would have made is, “The only thing that might make me a bad father is allowing you to move in when your behavior shows you to be an unacceptable role model for my daughter.”
It is time to sit down with your sister and set a move-out date. She needs to be doing whatever she can to become an independent adult. If she does not have a job, she needs to get one sooner rather than later. Her ability to stay at your house should not be open-ended. If you are not careful, you will have a difficult time getting her out of your house.” Avebury1
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
First, you’re absolutely right in your reasoning on where your daughter should keep her sanitary items. I’m much older than Julie, and it’s just dumb to keep pads, tampons, etc. anywhere BUT the bathroom.
Secondly, Julie’s out of line. She’s living in your house and doesn’t get to make the rules. I am quite sure her ideas of where to keep the feminine products are in the minority.
Even if they weren’t, it’s YOUR house!
I do think, though, that your beef was on one topic, and you switched it to another, which is never a good tactic. If you felt that way about what she did, you should have told her that when she asked to stay with you. It is unrelated to her opinion on sanitary products, so why bring it up?” sbh56
13. AITJ For Taking A Single Apartment For Myself Even Though It Means A Single Mom And Her Kids Could Be Homeless?
“I (26F) have been living in a townhouse that I absolutely love for about a year now. For some background, I was in an abusive relationship a few years back. He stole my identity and rented out multiple apartments in my name. They all ended in evictions. I had been fighting in court to get them expunged in early 2020, so you can fill in the blanks with what happened to my court dates.
I finally have a few expunged, but I’m still not able to rent easily. I was homeless for almost two years until I found this house. The thought of losing it destroys me.
My neighbor Jackie (36F) is a single mom of three kids. She “can’t work” because she doesn’t like living in areas you wouldn’t need a car to get around and can’t drive thanks to a DUI.
So, she catfishes men and begs on the street for a living. It isn’t exactly a stable income. She’s been on the verge of eviction for the last year because she never pays on time. I love her dearly; however, she and her kids can be extremely loud and rude. She also has a (poorly trained) dog and has multiple animals that she doesn’t care for.
Because of her evictions, criminal background, and lack of income, moving wouldn’t be easy for her either.
Our landlord recently sold our building and was under the impression the buyers wanted to keep us as tenants. We found out after closing that they’re kicking everyone out at the end of our leases to remodel, so they can raise the rent.
My soon-to-be-former landlord has another building with one apartment unit a few miles away.
He told me he knows it’ll be hard for me to find somewhere else to go and offered me that apartment at a slightly below market rate to make up for it.
My neighbor found out and started calling me a jerk for accepting the apartment when she has nowhere else to go. She also called our landlord a jerk for offering it to me instead of a family.
I understand where she’s coming from; however, from a landlord’s perspective, he could choose to take on someone who’s always caused problems or someone quiet who’s always a few months’ ahead on rent.
She also mentioned that since it’s two bedrooms and I live alone that we should split it. I’m a full-time student and work 50 hours a week on top of school.
I’ll never get any rest or work done if I share my space with three screaming kids. Not to mention, 4 people in one-bedroom doesn’t sound pleasant.
I’m torn. I absolutely can see her point, but from the sound of it, my landlord wouldn’t rent to her again even if he had 100 open units. AITJ if I take this apartment?”
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like you set up this woman to sound like a complete imbecile, which helps only you. This is very biased. That woman could be none of those things, and we’d never know. The information you gave on her is enough to have people want to call CPS. This post was unnecessary, and you did it to stroke your ego. YTJ because you know you’re going to get this apartment; yet, you still decided to trash this random single mom online for strangers to pick apart as if her life isn’t already hard.” Lilzhere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and it’s not up to you; blame it on the landlord.
They don’t want her as a tenant. She begs and harasses people full time to get what she wants, so it’s no surprise she’s doing this to you. There’s no reason at all for her to ask you about this; she should be asking the landlord (and probably did).
She probably figures if you turn down the apartment, she has a slightly higher chance of the landlord saying yes.
Or if she slinks by as your roommate, she can sneak in under your good graces because you have been a good tenant. She knows how to beg and con.
She’ll find a place. You’ve already paid the price for one user abuser who latched onto you.” ThatGirl_Tasha
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your neighbor is a romance scammer. She “earns a living” by convincing men to send her bills, pretending to be someone else.
She’s not even in the adult industry, which is fine if she isn’t bringing clients around her children or otherwise exposing them to her work.
She is constantly unable to pay the rent. Her children sound positively feral, and she is engaging in illegal activities. I’m sure she is collecting child support, welfare, food stamps, WIC, etc. and refuses to work because she doesn’t want to take the bus or train?
She is lucky the landlord rented to her at all. In my area. Because of the eviction moratorium, you can’t find an apartment ANYWHERE. When one comes open, they want to see 6 months of pay stubs in order to even put in an application.
Landlords are not allowed to discriminate against families with children, but they do NOT have to choose a family over a single person if that single person is better qualified.
Her request is delusional. She expects you to just take her in, so she can continue to engage in illegal activities, knowing she can’t consistently pay for rent or utilities AND she wants to cram 4 people into a single bedroom. You wouldn’t see a dime of rent, could potentially get caught up in criminal or civil proceedings for her romance scams, and likely come home one day to find your bedroom taken over and an air mattress in the living room.
Not to mention, depending on where you live, you cannot have more than 2 people per bedroom. I know in my municipality, you can have two people per bedroom. An exception is made for a baby under 2 that can occupy as the 5th person. But as soon as the baby is two, someone either has to move out, or the family has to move.
You are a victim of fraud.
She is a criminal who is too high and mighty to work and would rather steal from others to fund her lifestyle. Once her lease is up, if there is no eviction moratorium, your landlord is under no obligation to renew nor is he obligated to offer her alternative housing.
Take the new apartment and good luck with your ongoing legal appeals.” Glass_Status_5837
12. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Husband's Suggestion Of Me Only Taking 2 Weeks Of Maternity Leave?
Proper communication could do a lot of good in situations like these.
“I (25f) am currently 25 weeks pregnant with my husband (34m) and I’s 1st child. We have been together for 5 years, married for almost 2.
Baby is growing on track. We’ve already painted the nursery, and my mother-in-law is excitedly planning the baby shower.
I have a full-time office job, while he has been working from home for about two years now. We were talking about our parental leaves, and we agreed that we wouldn’t take it simultaneously. We were good until he said, “Do you wanna do 2 weeks first, then I do mine, then you do 6 weeks after?” I just stood silently staring at him for 5 minutes.
I told him I think he’s being ignorant and selfish. He said, “What? I don’t know how long you need to recover. I don’t even know why we’re still talking about this.”
He works for an international company where they get 3 months of paid paternity leave. Meanwhile, I work for a small business, which only offers 6-8 weeks of unpaid maternity leave.
He has been anticipating his paternity leave since I got pregnant because he sees it as an opportunity to seriously start looking for another job. He has been with the company for 9 years and has been feeling burnt out. Lately, his frustrations have been compounded by his new manager being difficult. I’ve been very supportive of his goal of finding a job where he can be fulfilled and appreciated as I can sense that he’s not happy at his job anymore.
He also said that his current company will be considering him for a better position once he gets back from his paternity leave, so that gets him kind of excited.
We have a 6 figure income combined. I pay the mortgage while he takes care of the other bills. We have savings in the bank, stocks, cars paid off. I don’t think my maternity leave being unpaid is an issue because my savings could cover the 2 months that I wouldn’t get a paycheck.
I didn’t talk to him after his remark. He went to play video games on his computer while I folded his clothes. I slept on the couch and still have not talked to him at breakfast. He tried talking to me as I was about to leave for work, but I just noped out of the house.
I am upset that he doesn’t think that I deserve to get some downtime after giving birth to recover and spend time with our kid.
I feel like he thinks growing an entire human being inside your body and then having to push that baby out is not a big deal. Maybe because I never complain about anything. I do 90% of the chores around the house, even carrying laundry from our bedroom at the top floor down to the basement to get them washed then back up the stairs to get them folded and put away.
I feel like my in-laws are more concerned about my well-being than he is. My father-in-law even bought us a litter robot, so I won’t have to clean after our cats.
My family lives a few continents away, so I don’t have a huge support system here.”
Another User Comments:
“So let me get this straight – he is not excited about paternity leave because “Yay!
Baby!” – he’s excited because he is going to get to look for another job. Also, “He went to play video games while I folded his clothes.” Besides the fact that I don’t see how any grown person wouldn’t know that pushing out a whole human out of your body would take more than two weeks to recover from… I’m kinda seeing concerning stuff here.
NTJ and DON’T DO IT HIS WAY. At two weeks postpartum, you could still be having trouble getting around properly. I truly suggest maybe reconsidering that taking leave at the same time business, since his leave is paid, because postpartum recovery can be extremely horrible, and trying to take care of a newborn by yourself during that recovery can be anywhere from an awful experience to dangerous.
Most families don’t have a choice, but since he actually gets paid paternity leave, I’d consider the option of having help during postpartum recovery.” Bubbly_Preference688
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
I’m 7 months pregnant with my 2nd, so I can definitely empathize with what you’re going through, and I’m offended for you with his comment.
He clearly needs to educate himself on the birthing process (and I’m guessing much more than that).
But you’re not doing yourself any favors here by refusing to communicate. You’re complaining about taking on 90% of the household chores. You’ve clearly already built up some resentment (which is warranted as he should be splitting housework 50/50 unless you’ve agreed otherwise).
But you’re not helping yourself or your marriage by being a silent martyr.
Having a newborn is just going to compound all of these challenges you’re already facing and put a big fat spotlight on the cracks in your relationship.
There’s a reason why so many couples split up within the first couple years of having a child together.
I strongly suggest:
He read The Expectant Father (this helped my husband a lot in building empathy).
You both read And Baby Makes Three (to help with your marriage when baby comes).
Taking the labor & delivery and newborn classes offered by the hospital you plan to birth at.
You discuss your plans for the division of labor of both childcare and housework for when the baby comes and both come to an agreement beforehand.
If you can afford to, The Gottman Institute offers a weekend workshop for new parents to strengthen your bond and communication. I highly recommend it.
Your husband should watch some videos of childbirth and the healing process thereafter and educate himself on the different types of tearing, so he can brace himself on what to expect.” jackjackj8ck
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Apparently, he doesn’t have enough info on parenting and pregnancy to have this convo.
So, maybe every day you could find a posting or an article on the impacts of pregnancy and post-pregnancy recovery and forward it to him. There are enough different complications and syndromes that you could find a different one every day for 2 years. Ask him to talk about this every night at supper.
If he is going to dismiss the injury and trauma and recovery that your body is going through, he should learn a bit more first. And if it makes him uncomfortable, remind him that he only has to hear about it, not live it, and that’s why his “2-week” recovery plan is so egregiously insulting.
He is not a good partner, and I don’t have high expectations that he will be a good father.
He thinks his paternity time off will be spent job shopping, not exhausted with caring for a baby. He isn’t tough; he’s weak and expects you to pick up his share.” sezit
11. AITJ For Telling My Wife She Should Have Cleaned The House If She Didn't Want To Hear My Mom's Rude Comments?
Still, the mom had no place to be rude.
“I’ll cut straight to the point.
My mom visited us yesterday morning at 10 am while I was at work. She must’ve found the house a mess because once she left, she called me to rant about how filthy and cluttered the house was. She went on a long rant about my wife having an attitude and almost kicking her out for pointing out that the house looked filthy and smelled.
I just nodded and uh-um’d through the entire call then went home thinking this was no big deal. But once I walked in, my wife started arguing with me about my mom berating her for the state of the house and calling it names like filthy and calling my wife names like gypsy. She asked for my thoughts on this “verbal abuse” that mom keeps subjecting her to and I told her to just ignore her cause she’s like this with my brother’s wife too.
She got upset and said that no, she doesn’t have to ignore her and mom has one chance to apologize or she’s no longer welcome here. I said that was an exaggeration because, for one, she knows how much of a clean freak mom is, and two, and let’s be honest here, she should’ve tidied up the house if she didn’t want any negative comments from mom or any other guest for that matter.
She said she really had no time to clean when she’s taking care of the kids and the dishes and whatnot and insisted that my mom should’ve had basic human decency and called beforehand. I said fine but no longer allowing mom to visit at least for the kids sake was, in my opinion, over the top. She said if I was okay with the kids hearing my mom’s despicable words, then she’s not.
She then argued about how I shouldn’t blame her for not tidying up the house when there’s so much on her plate already. I said I get it, but she was really making a big out of it. Now I could talk to mom about visiting times, but I think that my wife is to blame too here. My wife was mortified and is saying she’ll go through to no longer allow my mom into the house if this keeps happening, and the fight just got worse.
I feel like I got stuck in between both sides of the argument and was being blamed for both of their behaviors. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your mother is a nightmare. Unexpected visits, verbal abuse (including slurs), complaining to you so as to drive a wedge between you and you wife (though, the fact that this succeeds is entirely your fault: you need to buck up, grow a spine and shut that nonsense down), “blaming” your wife for the condition of your house when 1) Mommy Dearest chooses to foist herself in as an intruder – and at 10am, which seems like the WORST time and inappropriate for surprise visits – and 2) your wife is not the only adult living there, so if the house is not up to snuff 50% of that “blame” should be directed at you, OP, but it isn’t is it?
Why is that, do you suppose?
The fact that she also treats others this way proves your mother is a manipulative bully trying to cause conflict, stress, strife, and woe anyway and anywhere she can.
This is absolutely YOUR fault, OP. This is your mess: deal with it. Stop indulging your mother at your wife’s expense (unless you’re desperate to divorce and move back in with mummy).
Tell your mother to only visit when invited and cut her off until she learns about boundaries. Explain to your mother that your family and especially children (who will grow up hating her for being vile to their mother, and who certainly should not have to deal with their mother being abused by this dreadful old woman) come first.
Explain to your mother about manners, as that is apparently a concept about which she has no idea.
(For example; if one arrives unexpectedly, one apologizes and pitches in to help out. One absolutely does not complain.)
Explain to your mother that your wife is not a concierge at a five-star resort who should be ready to receive guests whenever they choose to arrive.
Apologize unreservedly to your wife and ASK her what she needs from you in re housework and mother – and then actually do it, i.e. be a good husband, partner, support.
Buck the heck up.” HRHArgyll
Another User Comments:
“You got squeezed! No jerk here, just a typical family. Mother shouldn’t just drop by, your wife needs more help, can you guys swing a maid maybe every couple of weeks to come help clean? If not, maybe take the kids out for a day and let the wife have more time to clean? Maybe if you have time to help clean?
Just suggestions. I have no clue what your daily family life is like. I hate when I’m out in the middle though. You just can’t win, and it’s unfair. Of course, each woman will expect your support and alliance. Good luck buddy!” Wobblenot
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Does your mom pay the bills in your house? Does she live with you both? If she doesn’t, then she can get over herself.
Your mother was harassing and berating your wife. And you allowed her to do so. Now, try, and I know that it’s difficult for a lot of people, to put yourself in your wife’s position. Imagine how it feels to be yelled at and disrespected (gypsy can be used as a slur and the way it sounds; your mom was using it to degrade your wife) in your own home by your in-law.
And your spouse responded the same with, “Ignore it. Mom is racist and berates my sister-in-law all the time.” How exactly will that make you feel?
Your mom needs to learn what toddlers and other small children learn. If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.
As a spouse, you failed to support your wife. You chose to not have her back after your mother was being a disgusting racist.” GioGioStar
10. AITJ For Threatening To Cut Ties With My Mother?
“I’m 29F living at home. I don’t feel that I am yet in a comfortable financial place where I can move out and have the “luxury” of not worrying too much about my overall expenses, but I feel like my time to move out has been way long overdue, given my rocky relationship with my family.
My parents have been mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive towards me throughout my life – more so my dad who still exhibits this behavior.
It has been extremely taxing on me lately, working from home and having to also be mindful of my grandfather’s space, with him and my dad hardly respecting my personal space while my mom is out at work.
Aside from my issues with my father, my mom has been incredibly supportive of my cousin’s toddler twins, who are a lot to handle. I’ve come home during weekend days to find my mom offering to babysit the twins in our home and letting them roam around the house, grabbing and throwing my things.
My mom dismisses me and tells me that I should “keep them in a safe place.” I live here—why should I have to be so discreet about where I put my things that have never posed to be an issue? On top of that, the toddlers cry and scream, and I usually try to take an afternoon nap, which I’ve been woken up from a few times.
I have tried to say anything and everything to convey my frustrations and even made my mother cry when I told her I was looking at apartments and that I would cut off all ties with her if she does not take my requests to stop offering to babysit the kids in our home. I love them a lot, but not being able to rest affects me mentally and I take my mental health seriously.
Today, my cousin “abruptly” dropped off one of the twins because the other was sick and had to “urgently go to see the doctor.” Honestly, my cousin drops them off whenever they have errands to run, and it makes me feel like they do it out of convenience when they also have in-laws nearby but doesn’t want them the kids to be “exposed to potential infection from an apartment building,” which means that we are their only option.
I was woken up during my nap, which was about 20 minutes, and I was livid at my mom, but I no longer had the energy to fight, so I dug out a suitcase and quietly just started putting some things in.
My mom tried to convince me and said she’s “tried her best to minimize the visits” but it’s not enough for me. We’ve had this convo dozens of times in the past year and not much has changed, and I’m tired of it.
It feels like she hasn’t taken my feelings seriously and wants me to let her take it step by step—she’s had plenty of time during my life to reflect and now she has to play catch up only when things are bad. I revisited my finances mentally while I was packing, and honestly, I think I’ll be able to get by but wouldn’t have the comfort of having certain things as I do living at home.
So, AITJ for threatening to cut off all ties with my mom because I have tried to confide in her, hoping she would listen and be able to rectify things? I have offered to look like the bad person and be the one to create boundaries with my cousin but she prefers to be the middle person.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ- I’m just wondering why you’re still living there.
You should have a sizable nest egg saved up considering the lack of expenses you have from living there the past 11 years since she became an adult, and obviously you likely went to college in order to work from home in whatever field. I just don’t understand why you think threatening to move out is leverage at all. You’re darn near 30 and you’re trying to tell your mom what to do in her house… It’s not your place to make any of those choices for her; you have no power there, and you need to stop acting like you do.
You’ll probably do her a favor moving out, but my gut says you aren’t even working full-time otherwise you would be at work during the majority of the times she’s watching the kids. It’s time to grow up and leave the nest. Another thing is, if you are an adult as you say you are, it would be one of the dumbest decisions you could make cutting someone off because they interrupted your naptime.
Do you not realize how childish that sounds?
If you take your mental health really seriously, maybe you should seriously get into a therapist and figure out why you think that’s the appropriate response and why you think you could tell your mom what to do in her own home. I honestly hope she doesn’t let you back in. There are a lot of life skills you haven’t learned because you’ve always had your mom‘s place to live.
Good luck.” GreatOneLiners
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. At first, I thought this would be a story of where your mom volunteers to babysit but then throws the babies onto you to be responsible for.
But this is your mom offering to babysit but sometimes not able to get the kids out of your room. I do think the “you should keep them somewhere safe” comment towards your stuff is rude because you can’t be expected to make your room kid-friendly.
But at the same time, your mom can’t make them know one room can’t be entered. Kids will always explore places, and they’re fast if you take your eyes off them. Perhaps a solution would have been to lock your door when you weren’t home.
It sounds like you have overstayed at your parents’ house if you’re seriously gonna cut your mom off when she offered to babysit and it woke you up.
So yes, move out. It is 100% better and will likely help you maintain a decent relationship with your mom when you two aren’t constantly in each other’s space.” SilhouetteCommenter
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry, am I the only one who saw that her parents have been emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive OP’s whole life? Move out! Cut ties but not because of the toddlers but because of the abuse!
So you have to struggle a bit out on your own; that’s way better than dealing with abusive people. And the ones calling you immature, etc. clearly don’t understand that abusive parents keep you in a childlike helpless state, and you don’t have room for to grow into an adult because you’ve got to be on eggshells all the freaking time!” sparklysledgenoggin
9. AITJ For Yelling At My Aunt When She Cried At My Pregnancy Announcement?
“My partner and I recently found out that she’s pregnant.
We’ve been seeing each other for about two years, and while this was in the plans, it’s come sooner than expected. We’re both excited and have been waiting to tell family for weeks. We just went to the first ultrasound and found out that everything is going well and that so far the baby is healthy. My grandmother called and asked if we could come over and hang her new smart TV at her house.
On the way over, we came up with a plan on how to tell everyone. Once the tv was hung, I would go over all the new features of the TV as this is the first time they’ve had a smart tv. We would tell them about screen mirroring, and that’s when I would mirror my phone and bring up the ultrasound photos.
Cue the moment. We’ve been there for about two hours and have everything mounted and completed. Now mind you, my aunt lives at my grandparents’ and has been upstairs the entire time. Once I mirrored my phone and showed them, everyone was very excited. My mother, who was also there, began crying because she was so happy. We have been talking for about only two minutes before my aunt came downstairs and began crying, but she was obviously upset about something.
She stated that she also would like to make an announcement. She then proceeded to tell everyone that her son and daughter-in-law are preparing to adopt a newborn and that my aunt was against it.
Her reasons were that my cousin and his wife already have two kids and that genetically we wouldn’t know what could potentially be wrong with the adopted baby. Her reasons, not mine.
She was also upset that she was told weeks after they began the process, which if you don’t know could take months or even a year. We listened to her cry on and on about this for about 10 minutes before I had had enough. I told her that she was making this special day where my girl and I announced to the family all about herself and how she feels about something completely different.
Mind you, we had been there for two hours, and she waited two minutes after we announced this for her to come down and say this. She immediately went into defensive mode and started trying to guilt-trip me and how I reacted, so we just left. Honestly, I didn’t even know there was an anti-adoption stance and thought it was honestly a pretty hot take anyways.
The rest of the family is on board with them adopting. My girl sat quietly taking this all in, and she actually found this whole encounter pretty wild and hilarious. My grandparents didn’t say much during this fiasco as they have come to just deal with her. So I was wondering, was I in the wrong, and am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Going to unpack this because there’s a bit in here.
You are NTJ, just get that out of the way. You had a happy announcement, and congratulations on the news! Hope your coming bundle brings you plenty of joy and happiness.
Your aunt hijacking the announcement is a classic entitled behavior to make it all about herself and that alone makes her the jerk.
About the subject of her hijack, super Saiyan level jerk territory there. It would’ve been bad had she tried her own “happy” announcement; what she did was so much worse. Your cousin and spouse are bringing a child into their family which is a loving act and for a good adoption. It doesn’t matter whether the child is biological or not. Your aunt is announcing her plans to treat this baby like crap.
Her reasons that they already have children, and they don’t know what’s wrong with the baby are post hoc justifications for her cruel stance. Your aunt is an awful person who doesn’t deserve to be in any more children’s lives.” Somewhere_in_Canada1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – She knew what she was doing and sounds like she was difficult to reason with.
The important thing is, you got the news to the family in the end, and your partner isn’t upset at the bizarre hijacking attempt.
I think you would be a jerk if you stayed and bought into the conflict. Diffusing the situation by leaving was the best thing to do because you don’t support her stance.” addisonavenue
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like maybe she felt left out, having to overhear it upstairs, and she’s feeling pretty left out in general and grasping at straws to have something of her own.
However, she not only stole your thunder, but she stole her son’s who I bet would’ve preferred to share the news himself in a, y’know, happy way. That is wild. Your girl sounds like she has a great sense of self and humor. I love the way you broke the news. Congratulations!” Brilliant_Rock_5230
8. AITJ For Filing A Complain To My University Over A Beanie?
“I (22F) am a married, Orthodox Jewish woman. As part of my religion, I cover my hair around men. I also love fashion, and while I dress modestly, I do not dress in a way which might scream to somebody that I am religious.
Often in the winter, for example, I cover my hair with a beanie or another winter hat, rather than a more “stereotypical” covering. It’s a way for me to have fun and express myself, in addition to staying safe! I want to express that this is a perfectly acceptable dress. It may not be for all Jewish communities, but it is for mine.
The issue at hand is because I do online schooling, and our tests are proctored through an online service via Zoom.
We are connected to a random proctor, who walks us through the exam procedures and monitors our testing one-on-one. Today was the final exam for my course this morning and was connected to a male proctor. I was dressed in a turtleneck, some overalls, and a beanie to take my exam.
He asked me to take off my hat as part of the exam procedure, and I said no. I explained that I was wearing the hat for religious reasons, to which he told me that beanies are not religious headwear and told me strictly to remove it again.
I cited the rules, stating that I am allowed to wear a head covering for religious reasons, and he told me that I was wasting his time by not following the rules and ended the session, thus canceling me out of my test and automatically failing my attempt.
I’ll be honest, I saw red. I immediately sent an (admittedly) very angry email to my instructor, my counselor, assessment services, etc. I got a call very quickly after that, and the attempt will be cleared and my test has been rescheduled. I was informed that the proctor will be under investigation for this incident, and it will be dealt with thoroughly.
I then continued my day and met a friend (same religion) for lunch and some shopping. I explained to her what happened, but she told me that while it is unfair and discriminatory, I also should be more cautious when stating that I am dressing modestly, or I should have worn a wig or a scarf to indicate that it was religious headwear. She also said that it was an honest mistake and that stating religious discrimination went too far.
Now I’m doubting myself, even though my husband is on my side. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You did right and deserve a retry on your exam. I’m sorry this happened and that the proctor did not recognize your religious distinction as special circumstances.
From the proctor’s side perspective… I’ve attended online certifications like that. Sometimes they’re awful.
Be on camera with my whole head, shoulders, hands, and keyboard visible at all times.
Be on speaker, do not mute mic ever, and uncover my ears — including tucking hair behind them — in order to demonstrate I was not getting information fed in through audio / earbuds.
If I coughed or sneezed or an ambulance went by or a dog barked in the courtyard, the audio would be detected and the exam would get paused for review in order to verify I wasn’t getting off-screen instructions or reading the questions aloud to someone off-camera.
If I looked away from the computer screen, it would be paused to be certain I wasn’t referencing offscreen notes. Or reading messages from said offscreen person on the whiteboard for the questions I might have read aloud by accident.
Setting my desk up for those was absolutely HECK. I had to buy a weird extending armbrace for my webcam for one. Some of them make it so hard.
Not apologizing for the proctor, but from his side, if he’s going down a cursory checklist like that to kick things off, if you hit one obstacle and the tester will not comply, the policy is to cancel. If the proctor has a list of religiously approved headwear, and a beanie is not officially recognized, he was just doing his job. I’m glad you escalated and it will be resolved.
Again, not telling you that YTJ, but tests do be like that sometimes.” American-Mary
Another User Comments:
“If you are married, then NTJ. If you are unmarried, then YTJ. There is nothing in the halacha that prohibits unmarried women from showing their hair. The closest I can find is that in certain situations a widow may remove her head covering if it interferes with romantically seeing a partner or looking for a job.
Before marriage, it’s all personal choice to show modesty and even your rabbi should have advised you to remove it rather than risk your education.
If you are married, then by all means, it is an infringement on your religion, and you should fight it. If not, then you just got someone in trouble because you were too embarrassed to show your hat hair in class.” W4rlord185
Another User Comments:
“Torn between NTJ/ESH. Personally, I can see where the proctor was coming from in that it is not common to see a beanie as a religious headwear and see it as a means of defrauding the rule in place to prevent dishonesty during test-taking. But I’m not privy to the level of action necessary in this instance, so canceling the session might be an overreaction.
In saying that, non-traditional religious head coverings come with the added confusion to the non-religious folk like myself.” Hutchoman87
That said, though, as an adult, it is crazy that you can't wear a hat. It should have been sufficient for you to say it has religious purpose and then he could let it go simply because it was addressed.
I don't give a hoot about a hat, but we have a no hats rule in our school. I usually don't pay attention to hats and hoodies, so I will most likely get caught on that someday.
7. AITJ For Asking Neighbors To Have A Talk With My Homophobic Neighbor?
“I moved to a new area with my wife, and one of my next-door neighbors had some rude comments for us since I’m a woman too.
Nothing too aggressive, just petty little things like saying this was a family neighborhood and that she didn’t understand why we’d moved there. In a way that implied we were unwelcome. I tried to smooth things over by saying it was what we could afford, but she got more irritated like I was saying her area was cheap?
Anyway, when we met all the other neighbors, they were a lot nicer, and nobody else seemed to have a problem with us being gay.
Now, in my experience, if someone is being bigoted, and you tell one or two people, nothing gets done. If you actually want stuff to be addressed, you have to be like the “squeaky wheel” and tell everyone.
So when I met the other nicer neighbors, I asked each of them or each family…
“Hey, I’ve felt so welcomed to your community. Except… Janice next door had made some kinda homophobic comments, and I could use some help smoothing stuff over because I hate to start in a new place on the wrong foot.
If you happen to know her, can you have a word with her? I want to work things out, but I feel like she might be more receptive to hearing it from someone she’s known for years instead of a newcomer. If you do end up talking to her, could you let her know we don’t want any trouble; we’d just like her to stop making comments about our lifestyle or us not being welcome here…”
All the neighbors I asked this of were upset someone in the neighborhood had been so rude and offered to have a word. Now, from my experience, if 10 people offer to help with something like this, mayyybe one or two will actually follow through.
So to my surprise, they all did. Obviously, a very different community than I’m used to.
And after the sixth person brought it up to her, she blew up.
I actually heard her screaming from the next house that she was freaking sick of everyone coming to her house to lecture her and had the women next door sent them too? And she screamed at the neighbor that had come by that they were the sixth person to come by for a ‘nice little talk,’ and after 6 of them, it wasn’t a friendly chat anymore, and she was being harassed by everyone coming to her house.
I came out of my house with my wife, and she blew up on us saying that by sending every other neighbor that I was harassing her. I said I didn’t send anyone; anyone who came by was their own person who wanted to say something after I told them what she’d said to us.
After that, apparently, the few neighbors who didn’t stop by in person called or texted, and she blew up at them.
I went back in, and apparently, she made a social media post chewing us out, but I didn’t see it because my wife and I don’t really use social media.
AITJ for asking 10 people if they could speak with a homophobic neighbor?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I mean, no, you’re not the jerk for not wanting your neighbor to make homophobic remarks to you. I’m lucky that all my neighbors either are kind to my wife and I or ignore us.
We’ve had to live next to homophobic people before, and it was the worst, so I feel for you 100%.
But you gave 10 people an action item to go to a woman’s house and talk to her about her behavior. You told your new neighbors who want to have a good relationship with you that in order for you to feel welcomed in their community. You needed them to personally go up to another neighbor and tell her to behave differently.
If having 10 people go over and tell this lady to be nice to you wasn’t what you wanted to happen here, you made some poor choices.
Look, I would say you would be completely within your rights to give your neighbor a talking to about her homophobia. And I’d say you’re also completely within your rights to complain to all your nice neighbors about what your crappy neighbor said and solicit their opinions about what you should do about it.
But the moment that you told another person to come to your defense and go give this lady a talking to, you asked for them to help you, to have a difficult conversation that you weren’t willing to have. Like, I’m telling you, if you came up to me and said, “This lady is a homophobic jerk, and she’s really making me feel like I’m not welcome in your community, would you be willing to talk to her?” I would feel like it’s my duty to go in there and fight her for you.
Like I was the person you trusted with this scary and difficult task, because you thought I was more trustworthy, or that I understood, or that it should be my responsibility as your new neighbor that you’re the closest to, or whatever. I would feel like you trusted me with a big important job that needs to get done for the sake of our community, and if I didn’t do it, it would never get done, and you would be left feeling left out and alone.
To know that you sent me in there, along with 9 other people because you assumed we’d all flake out? How crappy to send a good kind person who wants to help you into that situation.
If this was urgent, it would be totally reasonable to put 10 people on the same task. If your dog got out, feel free to tell all 10 of your neighbors to call you if you see him, even if it only takes one.
But in a situation where you just need one person to do you an act of kindness and no great harm is going to come from this lady being homophobic for another couple days, there was no reason you couldn’t ask one person to talk to the neighbor and give her a chance to do it, instead of assuming she wasn’t going to follow through and sending 9 other people into the lion’s den.” T-Flexercise
Another User Comments:
“ESH – She sucks for not keeping her opinions to herself and not showing a basic level of respect and human decency. You suck for starting a harassment campaign against her. You can be the bigger person and just not talk to her. Taking the high road and trying to act innocent because you are in the right so you feel justified bullying some bigot isn’t the smartest decision.
This isn’t high school; you have to live with this person until one of you moves or dies. Very poor choice in my opinion.
Now you’ve turned someone who just doesn’t like you into someone who hates you and might seek revenge on you. Good luck!” Nanitowalito
Another User Comments:
“YTJ to send a parade of neighbors to go talk to another neighbor. That’s kind of harassment, and you never know what could happen.
I don’t care if 10 neighbors come to me to say something nice to me; it’s a little strange.
I could read her comments both ways. It either could be that she doesn’t like you, or she’s concerned for you and how you will be treated in the neighborhood.
Do you know not all of your neighbors need to like you? I have neighbors that don’t like each other because of an incident over lawnmower many years ago.
Nobody else gets it or understands it. Then there’s a lady down the street that I just think is a little bit odd. I’m not mean to her, but I don’t go out of my way to go say hi to her or anything like that.
To me, if you are the first gay couple she’s ever lived around and really knew in real life, I would just be kind and wave over the fence like every other neighbor.
She could totally change her view and stance having neighbors that are just like every other neighbor but happened to be gay, if she has never known any gay couple before personally.” JustVisitingHere4Now
6. AITJ For Calling My Brother's Chick "Tubby?"
“My (15F) brother (18M) brings his partner (18F) to our house almost everyday after school. I go to tutoring 3 days a week, and on these days that I come home later, I frequently find that things in my room have been moved and sometimes even missing. My brother almost never comes into my room, so I know it’s not him, so I suspect that it’s his girl.
I told him to tell his girl not to touch my stuff, and he seemed offended that I would accuse her.
My best friend had given me a box of chocolate for my birthday, and I remember very clearly putting it in the drawer next to my desk. The next day, I had tutoring, and when I got home, I saw that it was gone.
I of course assumed that it was the girl; there was literally no one else in our house. I confronted her directly this time and asked if she could please return what she took and not go into my room again. She became super defensive and said she didn’t know what I was talking about. I asked if she could dump out the contents of her bag, and she started crying, which made my brother yell at me.
Finally she admitted to taking the chocolate, and she pulled it out of her bag and threw it across the floor. It managed to slide underneath the stair railing and exploded on the first floor. I asked her about the other stuff that went missing, and she admitted to all of it. I said, “Stay away from my room, Tubby,” which caused her to absolutely bawl like I’d never seen before from anyone her age.
My brother then told me off and said I should apologize to her. I said why should I apologize to a thief, and I went into my room.
She hasn’t come over since that happened. I don’t know what’s going on exactly, but I don’t really care. My brother said that she’s really insecure and has low self-esteem (she’s quite overweight) and that what I said was completely uncalled for.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I will never understand how people can defend their crappy significant others in situations like these.
My brother once had a partner who didn’t like the sound of chewing. CHEWING. And I mean any chewing, not just the obnoxious chewing-with-your-mouth-open chewing.
Anyways, we had a family dinner with some extended family that he brought her to, and she sat next to my younger sister who was 16 at the time.
I asked my brother and his girl if they wanted to sit near the end of the table or at their own private table because I knew his girl was weird about eating, and they declined.
My sister has always struggled with image issues even though she’s very fit and healthy, so anything regarding eating/food is a touchy topic for her (and yes, his girl knew this).
Anyways, fast forward a half hour and his girl is whispering to my brother who then asks my sister to stop chewing the way she is, and his girl starts talking about how loud and annoying she’s being and how my sister’s chewing is giving her anxiety. Not even exaggerating, she tried to tell my sister that her chewing was making her have an anxiety attack.
I was sitting right across the table from them and couldn’t even hear my sister eating, so I’m not sure how his girl could. When I tell you I went OFF on this girl and my brother, I am not exaggerating when I say his girl ran to the bathroom absolutely sobbing. If there’s any kind of person I hate, it’s the type of person who gaslights teenagers into thinking there’s something wrong with what they’re eating or how they’re eating, especially when that person already has body image issues.
My brother was so angry, but I did not give a crap. Horrible partners have no place near my family.” endofprayer
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, calling her names was very uncalled for and contributed nothing to the conversation or supported your argument in any way. Thief or no thief, what does her weight have to do with it? This behavior makes you seem childish, and it hurts your credibility.
You basically handed the “moral victory” to your brother’s girlfriend in this case. I say take the loss, apologize to them, and get a lock for your door. By the way: the 18-year-old crying because you, a 15-year-old, “asked” her to empty her bag? Examine your behavior – did you really just calmly ask her? I mean no offense, but I honestly doubt it a bit.” Pancakeshire
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Her for stealing and being rude. She might be struggling with image issues, but stealing is stealing and also a weak reason for an offense?
You for inappropriately expressing your anger.
“Tubby” is an insult, which targets her insecurities, which have nothing to do with the stealing. You wanted her to feel attacked, which isn’t justice, and to be honest, isn’t even revenge.
You need an “eye for an eye” for revenge, not an “eye for a foot.”
Learn to be directly angry instead of giving off insults and passive aggression.” Heart_Is_Valuable
5. AITJ For Not Wanting My Housemate To Have Any Contact With My Baby?
“I (F29) live in a HMO (House of Multiple Occupation). I have no family, I am estranged. I am on benefits due to Complex-PTSD so can only afford to live in shared accommodation. I am due to give birth this summer.
Nowhere else will take me due to being pregnant and on benefits.
Another lady (F50) who lives at the property said she wishes she could “take the baby,” so it could be her baby, that she’s excited for the baby to be born, and told me at length how things are going to be regarding her relationship with my baby once I give birth, like the baby will be some sort of communal child.
She said she’s going to “just” take the baby from my arms and similar comments. The situation feels strange. This is not someone I would associate with if we didn’t have to live together.
The person has difficulty understanding boundaries and has been unemployed for years and lives in the same property. She expressed she didn’t think it was a big deal for people to breastfeed other people’s children.
The most recent passing comment was that she wants the baby to sleep in her (locked) bedroom with her once I give birth. I didn’t respond to this because I wasn’t quite sure I had heard her correctly at first, and the conversation moved on as I was processing.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable with any of the things she has expressed she intends to do and don’t want to argue with the person.
I know it would be hurtful to this person for me to become like a wall when it comes to her accessing the baby because she loves babies.
I have been trying to prepare her for some disappointment over this, making it clear I intend to move into my own place to raise the baby as opposed to living in an HMO. I know this is hard for her to hear, but she completely disregards this information and carries on as though that is not the case.
The baby’s dad also lives here and finds the situation with this other tenant amusing. I do not find the situation amusing at all; in fact, I find it quite heart-wrenching for a number of reasons. My fear is not only would the baby be in a house of unvetted strangers, but the dad would be there but completely ambivalent about the baby altogether (if he doesn’t leave to get his own place before then), and other people (this person in particular) would be trying to pretend my baby is her own child.
The dad would be okay with it, and I’d have a nervous breakdown.
She put it out there that she could make up some bad things about me to Social Services when they come round to check on the baby (the examples she gave were that she could say I am involved with many different men, although the context was that she was just using that as an example to express how people can be two-sided, not saying she would actually do such a thing).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You definitely need to set boundaries with her ASAP, but try and be gentle about it. She does seem a little, um, mentally fragile. She needs to understand that she won’t have unsupervised time with your baby and possibly even set an expectation that you don’t want anyone else even holding the baby for a few months.
The longer you allow her to entertain these thoughts without speaking against them, the worse it will be when the baby does arrive.
Also, I’d document any threats or comments like making you appear as an unfit mother to have your baby removed from your care.
Since the dad seems to be okay moving without you, do you know of any women’s shelters you could try and get into? I would be nervous in that situation, and I think a shelter would be better than bringing a baby into a possibly dangerous living situation.
Best of luck, and congratulations on the little one!” withmyshiningstar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you would be if you don’t start taking steps now to protect your child.
This is not harmless talk. She’s telling you she intends to steal your baby and even blackmail you. Believe her.
Talk to your caseworker. Talk to the police. Get a paper trail started now, and do everything you can to get emergency placement elsewhere.
Do not let this woman anywhere near you or your child. She is not safe.” ThatSituation
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Her for, well, obvious reasons of wanting to steal your baby and not even being subtle about it.
You for bringing a baby into what’s clearly an inappropriate and objectively unfit situation for a baby.” LoremEpsomSalt
4. AITJ For Refusing To Let A Guide Dog Into The Restaurant Because I'm Deathly Allergic To Animals?
“So, I (24f) took over my family’s pub after my dad retired. We have owned this pub for well over 40 years, and it was only when I was born the rules of it being dog-friendly changed, due to the fact I’m deathly allergic.
Recently, a new woman moved in a few doors down from my house. She’s blind and has a guide dog, so I went over to say hello and kept my distance. Honestly, she seems really sweet. I introduced her to some of the other neighbors and then left to go open the pub.
Well, about 2 hours later, she comes in with her dog. I was serving a friend when I hear her causing a scene.
She shouted kind of loudly, “What kind of freaking discrimination is this?!” I said I needed to be excused and went over to what was happening. When I asked, my brother explained how she wants to bring her guide dog in, but she can’t. I asked if she had a cane, and she said she did, but it’s a long walk home (it’s a 5 minutes walk from the street we live on).
I offered her to sit in the outdoor garden, and she can ask my brother to take her mom back to their house in the car (they walked, and her mom was also here very angry), but she told me she didn’t want to go in the car with a stranger. Lilly, one of the other staff, offered as they had already met.
I told her she can sit in the garden with all the other dogs, but she said it was too cold.
I said I couldn’t help and to have a nice day and told her there is another pub 45 minutes walk from where ours is, and that one dog friendly.
She stormed out and broke the handle of the door, then proceeded to fall down the 3 stairs as her mother was still holding the dog outside. She told one of the other neighbors that she feels unwelcome and is planning on moving again to somewhere else.
Now I not only feel bad for her, but that’s 2 different houses in a short time for a dog, which can be pretty stressful.
So, AITJ?
So, I have just found out it’s illegal to not let service animals in a pub, but we do allow them in the back, as I still offered, but I’m trying to get ahold of my landlord/manager, and he’s not picking up.
Apparently, the dog was just being a pet dog as there was another person present. Can someone who knows someone with a guide dog fact-check this for me? I’m in England for the people who can’t be bothered to scroll a few comments and find it.
Just some notes that I have said constantly: • the garden is probably warmer than the pub, with 4 heaters, a plastic covering that traps the air in, and thick blankets provided that are cleaned after every use.
I swell up really bad and get red itchy skin when I have been near a dog. If I inhale stuff from the dog, then my throat swells up really bad and eventually makes it impossible it breathe.”
Another User Comments:
“It is illegal to not allow a service dog in, but I’m pretty sure that falls into the umbrella or non-discrimination which also includes accommodating allergies.
In airplanes, this is done by allowing the dog on the plane but moving the allergic person for free to a farther location. (I think?) in this case, allowing the dog to be outside in an area where the airborne allergy can’t be contained is fair, and her not wanting to be in the cold is her refusing the accommodation.
To people asking where her EpiPen is… that’s not supposed to be a reasonable treatment to put yourself through.
It is an EMERGENCY medicine. If this is a local pub and a problem with a local, her shooting herself with a $600 dollar Epipen (and still needing to go to the hospital) frequently just so someone can drink is not a reasonable accommodation at all.
I don’t know legally how it’s supposed to work, and you might be in the wrong, but realistically, I think NTJ.
I get her being frustrated because she probably has been wrongfully turned away before, and it’s probably a common issue to deal with, but I wouldn’t want to drink somewhere if I thought it was going to kill someone. In my opinion, the legal right you had doesn’t reflect if you’re a jerk or not. Seems like a crappy situation though, so I’m sorry about that for both of you.
And FYI to other commenters, just because your allergy isn’t that severe has exactly zero bearing on how someone else’s allergies work, I promise.” chmaf
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
So, first I wouldn’t panic too much regarding legal issues. Yes, you will likely be deemed in the wrong; however, depending on the degree of allergy you have to dogs, the court will more than likely air on the side of leniency.
That said, service dogs are not regular dogs and cannot be treated the same. It’s better to think of service animals as extensions to the disabled person’s self rather than a companion to them. By refusing her normal entry, you are refusing the whole individual the right to be treated like every other individual – and as a result, it is discriminatory.
Guide dogs – and other service dogs – are generally pretty chill.
They’re trained to sit under tables rather than taking up space, and generally speaking, aren’t noticeable unless they’re actively “doing their job.”
While I understand you didn’t know any better, it’s important to recognize why these laws exist. This woman, who was new to the neighborhood, has been made to feel alienated and unwelcome. She probably went into the pub looking to make friends and left falling on her face (literally) as she was told her disability wasn’t welcome inside, but she could be outside.
I’m not surprised she’s decided she wants to move. That’s not something an “I’m sorry” can fix.
Unintentional wrongs are still wrongs.” hightidesoldgods
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Since this isn’t “Am I Legally the Jerk,” you are not the jerk. You’re not required to die so that someone with a guide dog can come in. You offered reasonable accommodations since there are outside heaters and blankets and stuff.
Also, about the lady — if you knew the person who owned the pub was deathly allergic to your dog, why on Earth would you demand to bring your dog inside?
Back to legal matters: If the dog can literally kill OP, why would she still be required to let it inside? If offering to let the woman sit in a heated outdoor area isn’t a reasonable accommodation, then how is “not working in the public service business” a reasonable choice for OP?
I feel like OP would be in a special situation regarding the law since they would literally die if the dog came in.
People are comparing dogs and people who’ve come into contact with dogs. I’m pretty sure an entire dog would be releasing more hair and skin cells than a person who’s just worked with a dog.” IntrovertNeptune
3. AITJ For Refusing To Give Up My Maid Of Honor Role At My Best Friend's Wedding For My Husband's Medical Procedure?
“My husband (31) and I (25) live in a small town. He’s been having health issues recently and was scheduled for a medical procedure 2 weeks from now. He has respiratory issues and recurrent pneumonia. The problem is that the procedure takes place on the 7th of March, and he will have to go to the city since our town does not cover this type of procedure.
On the other hand, my best friend’s wedding happens to be on March 8th. The wedding is held in a town on the opposite side of the country, and I, as the assigned maid of honor, had to get to her town earlier to be able to perform my duties on time.
My husband flat out told me he thought this was a “no brainer” and that he expects me to give up my maid of honor role, call my friend and say “Sorry, can’t even show up to the wedding because of an emergency,” and I told him no because this will ruin my relationship with her, and besides, leaving her stranded without a maid of honor 2 weeks before the wedding will make her resent me forever no matter how much I apologize and explain myself.
He acted shocked and said he couldn’t believe I was okay with the thought of leaving him alone in a city he’s never been to before and letting him go through the medical procedure alone while I go “party.” I suggested he asks one of his friends to go with him, but he said they’re not obligated to drop everything and be with him; plus, they’ll find excuses to say no anyway.
I told him they’re not real friends then. He said he can’t blame them when I, his partner, is doing the same thing, no worse, choosing a “party” over his wellbeing. I told him he will be fine because the medical team will take care of him, but he said he’s talking about this from the emotional and mental side of it. I told him he’s just being a baby.
He got mad and said that my friend should understand, but I refused to have this conversation anymore. He said, “Don’t blame me and act like I’m putting you in this situation deliberately. Go talk to the doctor and explain to him “your circumstances” then ask if he could reschedule while I stay here and suffer.’ I sensed a huge amount of sarcasm and blame in his tone.
I said I will not be doing what he’s asking me, and he’s started talking about how toxic I’ve gotten lately, treating him like a burden and blaming him for his medical issues. I walked out and shut the door leaving the ranting on his own.
This argument took place last night, and now he’s sulking and refusing to speak to me except to say that my friend and her party are more important to me.
This is her wedding; would he accept it if someone called his wedding “just a party”? I think he’s being selfish with his behavior.”
Another User Comments:
“This might be controversial but NTJ.
No offense but some of these comments are not it. Frankly, I would go as far as to call some of you the jerk here.
I would be devastated if I had to miss my best friend’s wedding, especially if I was her maid of honor and especially if I had to tell her two weeks before her wedding.
I understand that sometimes life happens, and we can’t always control that, but it seems like there could’ve been more options than just OP losing out on this experience.
You’re telling me that OP’s husband had no one else — not a parent, sibling, or friend — that could’ve gone with him on this surgery? He didn’t even try to compromise with OP, just called it a “no-brainer.” Missing out on your best friend’s wedding is not something you should chalk up as a no-brainer — it’s a disappointing loss, and the fact that he couldn’t acknowledge that, to me, that’s a clear show of disregard for her feelings.
What makes this comment section worse is that OP has already stated that this was not a serious surgery. It’s not a matter of life or death. There’s no legitimate reason that OP husband’s couldn’t have tried to come up with a compromise. And OP has already stated this isn’t the first time her husband has made choose between him and her friends. The direct quote is that her social life is “on the brink of falling apart.” The people quoting wedding vows at her, telling OP she’d be lucky if he didn’t divorce her…is there really anything more to say about that?
This thread truly disappointed me.” smileycat7725
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
From your comments, it sounds like your view is that this is a relatively minor procedure and that you’re being asked to go for moral rather than medically necessary support. I’d be interested if his doctors share that view, but we are asked to judge on the information presented. It also sounds like you feel you are frequently asked to sacrifice your social schedule / subjugate your needs for your husband’s medical needs, and that this is being used as a tool by your husband to influence/control you rather than out of genuine need some of the time.
My honest reaction to your post is that your view on the wedding is well justified and reasonable. Your husband has a duty to support you as much as you have a duty to support him, and this sounds like a scenario where you are the one always being asked to be in the supporting role, and this one important time, you are putting your foot down.
Being the maid of honor in your best friend’s wedding is a BIG deal, and canceling 2-weeks out is a big deal too.
My judgment is driven by the fact that it sounds like you and your husband are both low-key neglectful of your needs, and you are struggling to address that in a healthy way. The conversation you describe sounds pretty hostile rather than constructive.
It also sounds from your comments like being your husband’s caregiver as well as his wife may be more than you can handle, and you may need to work with your husband, friends, and maybe professional support to figure out a more sustainable model that will allow you to be a married couple while making sure your husband has the medical support network he needs.
His needs cannot be ignored, but you being supportive in times of sickness can mean helping to make sure there is the right network of support in place – it doesn’t all have to be you!
ETA: And for everyone throwing your vows back at you, remember that your husband also swore to support you “in good times and in bad” – you both have a right to expect support from each other!” poke0003
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
When you took the vow, “in sickness and in health,” did you really mean it? By ignoring the upcoming medical procedure your husband is about to go through, you are invalidating that vow.
When I would take my father in law to the doctor for routine medical procedures pertaining to his medical condition, I knew it meant I had to make room in my car for two people, not one — his wife would always take off and cancel obligations to be with him for emotional support every step of the way.
He would never admit it, but he felt tired and scared; it seems like your husband is very openly echoing this sentiment.
This is not worth a wedding. Heck, this is not worth your marriage — which you are risking by invalidating your vows and your husband’s fear for the sake of the celebration. You have to tell your friend that there is a medical emergency you need to attend to, the sooner the better.
Recurrent pneumonia is a serious condition and takes a toll on the body over time. Your husband needs the support. It is okay to bow out of obligations such as these for the people you dedicate your life to.
EDIT: Read some of your comments about feeling burnt out as a caregiver. OP, you both seriously have to have a sit-down conversation about how you plan to move forward in your marriage.
It sounds like this will only get worse over time if a better plan isn’t put in place to help ease the burden of illness on your family.” caulfieldy
2. AITJ For Telling My Partner That If He Wants Me To Get Dolled Up, He Can Pay For It?
“I’m a woman in a career field, which really doesn’t care about appearances.
My partner is in a job where looks matter more, investment banking. He wears suits and has to present himself as more wealthy to look good at work.
My partner wanted me to come to some work events, dinners or happy hours.
But he said that it was something we’d need to dress up for. I offered to wear some nice dresses I have, and he said that it was more than that, his coworkers’ ladies wore designer and had professionally done hair and nails.
And that it really was just what was needed to succeed in his workplace, so he considered it a professional expense.
I said that made sense for himself, but I’m not responsible for his professional expenses.
He agreed to pay for the clothes and salon appointments, and I also asked him to compensate me for my time getting “presentable” for those events. Additionally, if he wanted me to act a certain way during these events, which was different than my usual behavior at a social event, it should be treated like work; I’d expect to be paid for my time.
He thought that was unfair, saying that it was weird to charge my partner to attend an event with him. I said that if I’m not attending as myself but instead presenting an image for business development purposes. That’s not socializing; that’s labor.
He agreed to that at the end, and we came up with a list of things I’d need to attend an event with him… Designer dress, designer heels, jewelry, hair done, nails done, makeup done, handbag… He picked out the dress heels and bag, and he asked me to find salons to have my hair, nails, and makeup done.
When I told him how much the cosmetics appointments and the time I spent on the cost, he was upset it was $700. And adding that to the clothes he bought and the time we’d be at the event, it was coming to almost $2,000.
We went and I played the part; it was uneventful. Nobody paid me much attention. Felt like a bit of a waste but whatevs.
But afterward, when I mentioned that I wanted to borrow his card to make an appointment to get the nails removed since I needed them filed down by a professional before work, he got frustrated with me. Saying that I was milking him for his earnings and that I was only with him for that very reason. I told him that I make the same as he does.
He got angry and said that most girls know how to dress themselves and do their own makeup nicely, and I got so frustrated I said sarcastically, “Go be with most girls, then. I’m sure ‘most girls’ would looove being treated like a human dress-up doll!”
He got really mad about that, and I feel frustrated too, like he expects me to do crap unpaid for his work!
Like I would never ask him to do crap for my job, let alone do my job unpaid!
AITJ for wanting to be paid if my labor was going towards my man’s career?”
Another User Comments:
“I think you two are incompatible.
It’s fine if you’re not the type to dress like that and get makeup, hair, and nails done. And I think it’s appropriate for him to pay for your look, but it’s ridiculous that you asked him to pay for your time.
If you choose to be with him, this is what he feels he needs, and it’s something you do as the partner. If you don’t like it, don’t be with a guy like this.
But I think it’s ESH because presumably, he knew what you looked like and how you presented yourself when he started seeing you.” friendlily
Another User Comments:
“There is a time and place for everything.
Sometimes it’s casual adult beverages and wings; sometimes it’s bubbly and hors d’oeuvres. You need to dress and act accordingly depending on the situation.
What you’re failing to understand is that in his chosen profession; it’s 100% all about appearances. Yes, it’s fake as heck, but he needs to do it to be successful. If he didn’t put on this show, would he have the same level of success he has right now?
Let me use myself as an example… I’ve been in the IT field since 1991 when I joined the Marines. I have all the mannerisms you’d expect; I use swear words prolifically, I drink (at times to excess), and I can be very blunt regardless of my level of inebriation. I have had zero problem telling someone to go eat a bag of sausages, or in the case of one woman being an absolute witch, I apologized to her saying that I didn’t realize that small roasted children weren’t on the menu.
The flip side? I have briefed one, two, and three-star generals/admirals on projects and upgrades with our systems or explained (without geek-speak) what the plans we had were and fielded questions – in uniform and even after leaving the Marines. I’ve provided classroom instruction at various levels, from beginners needing help with Word to peers in my field (“train the trainer” classes) on various systems, programs, and operating systems. I’ve created multi-year plans for network upgrades.
Honestly, I’m at a point in my career that I don’t tell people what I know because they get butthurt about my experience.
With that said, YTJ and so is your partner – and I’ll explain.
Maybe he needs you at his side to help advance his career – his career is 100% about appearances, and you being there shows he’s in a stable relationship. It could very well be he needs to show his bosses that he’s not some immature 20-something jerk with no goals.
Mistake #1 – Asking you to help shouldn’t be considered labor. Whether you like it or not, you’re in a relationship with him, and this is part of the package. If you don’t like it, then it’s time to pack your bags and move on.
Mistake #2 – If you didn’t want to go, he should have respected that decision and let it be. There are times I’ve asked my wife to go to some events like the one you describe, and she knows who will be there, or who won’t, and if she doesn’t want to go (or deal with someone’s crap that she knows will be there), then I respect her decision and let it be.
FYI – My wife is a Barbizon graduate. She knows when we go out for an event like this, she dresses to the nines and steps up her game without the need to spin tales. She also knows that when we go to one of my Marine Corps birthdays that she can cut loose and doesn’t need that “upscale persona.”” BalderVerdandi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
At the end of the day, if your partner loved you and respected you, he wouldn’t want to change a thing about you. He would accept you for who you are, and he would protect and fight for you against anybody who is trying to put you down.
Especially asking you to change your personality and pretend to be somebody you’re not, pretending to have hobbies and interests you’re not bothered about, just so he can put on his fake persona so he can impress people, is ludacris.
As long as you’re not turning up to these work functions in really inappropriate clothing, then I really don’t see what the big deal is.
I think you should find somebody who is going to love and respect you and treat you like a human being and not some Barbie or an actress if he wants to dress somebody up how he wants to dress them up and wants somebody to pretend to be exactly who he wants them to be then he needs to hire somebody.” Throwaway2021NP
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
What a bizarre arrangement where everything is transactional and invoiced. Like how exhausting.
The clothing and salon being his treat makes sense; billing him for your time is you basically making yourself into an escort service.
Your man sucks for expecting you to lie about yourself. That’s ridiculous and likely to backfire.
You transforming your relationship into a gig.
Either you want to be his partner at these events or you don’t.
Either he wants you as his partner or he doesn’t. I guess if you’re both transactional sociopaths maybe this will work. Otherwise, it’s just gonna end up bad.” Powersmith
1. AITJ For Wanting To Go To The Wedding Of My Father And His Fiancée Who He Had An Affair On My Mom With?
My advice is, put yourself in the position of the mother.
“When I (F17) was born, my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor. One of her symptoms was mood swings and a reduced ability to judge her actions. I was just a baby, and she couldn’t take care of me, so I moved in with my grandparents.
My father had his own business, and that took up a lot of his time. My mother’s only company was my older brothers who were over 12 years old.
Until the age of 10, I lived with my grandparents. They had a neighbor named Alice who considered me her daughter. She took me to school, bought me gifts, taught me other languages, gave me advice, and traveled with me.
I rarely saw my mother, so Alice became my mother figure.
After many surgeries and chemotherapy, my mother was finally saved. It was difficult for me to move into her house; I barely knew her. Every day, I called Alice, and at least once a week, she would take me to her house or some fun outing. Sometimes, my mother tried to cut off our contact, and this made me very resentful.
When I was 12 years old, my father filed for divorce. The only reason he was still married was my mother’s illness. Soon after, he announced that he was seeing Alice. According to my mother and older brothers, the two had been having an affair for over 10 years. I remembered the times my mother had been jealous of my relationship with Alice, and I thought things made sense.
Despite everything, I haven’t walked away from Alice, and she’s my best friend. I started going on trips with her and my dad. The relationship with my mother took a turn for the worse, and I was constantly scolded for liking Alice so much. Since then, I’ve tried to pay more attention to my mother and show more love. I knew her life was hard, and I tried to make up for lost time.
Things were going well.
Last week, my father announced his engagement to Alice. He invited me and my brothers Luke (M29) and Simon (M31). Both declined the invitation, but I accepted. My brothers were furious with me. They said I was being a jerk for celebrating a wedding that came out of a betrayal of our mother.
I asked my mom how she would feel if I went to the wedding, and she said she would feel betrayed and doesn’t know how our relationship would bounce back after that.
I really want to be present at the wedding. I love Alice like a second mother. I would feel like a jerk if I didn’t go to the wedding, but I also feel like a jerk if I go to the wedding.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but… your friend Alice and your dad (along with his parents as I assume your paternal grandparents were the ones that took you in) were heartless to your mom.
Your mom was ill with a condition that she could not control. Your dad took her baby (you) away from her rather than finding help for her so that she could raise her baby or be as much of a mother as she could to her baby. Your grandparents, instead of taking you in, could have let you stay with your mother, and they could have gone to your house to make sure she was taking care of you properly.
They could have brought you to her for regular visits so that she could bond with you. Alice, the adult who made friends with you, could have done the same thing. She could have made sure that you maintained a bond with your mother. Your father could have done the same thing; he could have made sure you had regular visits or time with your mother to establish and build on whatever relationship your mother could do.
For the first 10 years of your life, the people who should have had your best interests and your mother’s best interests at heart didn’t. They prevented you from bonding with your mom. They actively prevented that. While they were preventing your mom and you from having a relationship, your dad was breaking his wedding vows to your mom by being unfaithful to her. Your “second mother” Alice was actively facilitating your dad’s unfaithfulness and preventing you from having a relationship with your mother.
Your mother, when she was in no condition to protest, had her baby taken away from her, and her husband left her for another woman who purposely built a mother-like relationship with you.
Your brothers had ringside seats to the tragedy, and they hate their dad for what he did to your mom. If your dad really cared about you and your mom (he did marry her; he said vows to be with her in sickness and in health), he would have found ways to make sure the mother-daughter bond was established, encouraged, and flourished as much as possible.
He didn’t because he didn’t care; he cared more about you having a relationship with Alice than you having a relationship with your mom, and he destroyed your mom in the process.
Think long and hard on all I have said before doing anything…” Buttercup303
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You have a bond with Alice which should not be there. I’m gonna be honest like everybody: your dad and Alice played the manipulation well by taking you away from your mother when she could not fight and was battling cancer and made your grandparents take care of you and let Alice be introduced into your life so she could be your mother figure.
You may love Alice and your father, yes, but if you go to their wedding, you will be supporting people who actively were waiting for your mother to die so they could be mom and dad to you (your brothers were too old). The fact your mother survived has made things a little harder for them, I’m sure, but the manipulation did well enough to make you still be loving to Alice.
You need to understand that if you go, you will lose your mother and siblings. In the future, you may unravel how much you were manipulated and helped your mother be emotionally abused (by denying her a maternal bond with you, this went to Alice, on purpose), and you will not have either a mother figure, a father, or brothers. Think not only about your past and how easy was for Alice to prey on your loneliness but also on your future.” Quicksilver1964
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your father and Alice have been manipulating you for your entire life. You were a child and obviously couldn’t see the scope of the situation, so I don’t want to fault you too much, but it’s pretty evident that Alice swooped in at a time when your mother was at her most vulnerable when her husband should have been trying to support her with everything he had and stole your father away from her.
And now she’s trying to steal her daughter too.
Of course, you have more positive memories of Alice. She got to be the “fun aunt” with no real parenting responsibilities, while your poor mother was fighting a brain tumor. Then, when she was finally well enough to take care of you again, you would run off to be with your “other mother,” who had already stolen your mother’s husband away from her.
Again, you were a kid and are blameless for this part of it all.
But you’re older now. You have the full scope of all of the information. Alice may have treated you wonderfully for your whole life, but she’s not a good person. She’s a homewrecker, and your father is unfaithful. Do the right thing, OP, and see this situation for what it is.” Rygumb
In a perfect world, you could have independent relationships with all individuals and they respect your rights to pick whatever type of relationship you choose and makes you happy. Is anyone actually wanting you to be happy? Does your relationship with Dad & Alice REALLY affect Mom and Brothers? Even if Dad did Mom wrong (and it really sounds like he did), it has nothing to do with you in the big picture. Make your own choices, dig your heals in, and see who loves you enough to respect you. You aren't bad or wrong and hopefully everyone will see that.
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