People Ask Us To Assess Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
15. AITJ For Being "Too Honest" About Why I Don't Drink?
“I’m 33 and I had a serious drinking problem since a young age. My dad was heavy into booze so it never lacked in our house. It was nearly the end of me when I was only 27 and was in the ER for poisoning.
It was too close a call and after that things had to change. With my wife’s support, I went to rehab and am proud to say I’ve been sober for 5 1/2yrs.
My flatmate invited our friends over yesterday. It was 7 of us in total, including his friend, ‘Mark.’ I’ve met Mark maybe 3-4 times over the last 2 years and while we’re ‘friendly’ I honestly don’t know him that well.
But you can tell he’s a party guy. Likes to get loud takes shots, makes gross comments sometimes, etc.
Mark brought several cases of beer and a bottle of tequila with him so everyone was drinking and having a good time.
Mark kept offering me drinks the entire night, which I’d politely decline. It’s like he made it his personal mission to get me to drink by egging me on, saying every time he sees me I’m either drinking a soda/water and it’s okay to let loose sometimes.
He resorted to teasing me into drinking, calling me ‘princess’; I don’t know what that had to do with not wanting to drink.
All my friends there knew what I was like before, how bad my drinking was so they kept trying to steer the conversation so he’d forget about me. But now and then he’d hand me a shot glass or a beer and would not let it go even after telling him yet again that I didn’t want to drink.
My wife became uncomfortable with his behavior (I think she was worried I’d actually drink). She grabbed the shot glass from me, dumped it in the sink, and told him to stop it already. He looked between us and grinned like he ‘understood now.’
Mark joked that maybe we should get my wife wasted first, then that’ll get her to loosen up the leash she has on me.
I’ll admit, that made me see red. I got in his face and told him, ‘Actually I don’t drink because last time I did I almost passed away so unless you want me puking everywhere and having seizures you should shut up and leave my wife out of this.’
Wiped the smile off him real quick and he apologized. The rest of the night went on and he finally left me alone.
Our flatmate did confront me in the morning because he thinks I was too honest with Mark and it wasn’t his fault he didn’t know; he was just joking around and I made him feel bad. Our other friends agree he was being too pushy and deserved being told off, my wife agrees so he’s the only one right now that’s taking Mark’s side.
He said I could’ve ignored him until he gave up instead of bringing up an uncomfortable truth from my past.
Now yes I could’ve just told Mark the truth without full details but felt that’s none of his business and a ‘no’ should’ve been enough.
I only got carried away when he decided to include my wife in his jokes. So yes I am wondering if I was a bit of a jerk for what I told him instead of keeping the peace.”
Another User Comments:
“Mark sounds like a total jerk, but he apologized and stopped at least.
It doesn’t even sound like your mate is on Mark’s side because Mark apologized and stopped so even he realized he was being a jerk.
Just seems like it’s this ‘mate’ is out on his own trying to defend untenable behavior, and I’d wager that what he’s actually upset about is ‘you being honest and reacting to my guest being a jerk made me feel uncomfortable because I feel vicariously responsible for my friend’s social comfort to the extent that I’m willing to let you be treated like trash as long as it’s not creating any discomfort for me’.
Mark was being a jerk. Mark feels bad because he knows this. It’s socially appropriate for Mark to feel bad about his actions in this scenario. Feeling bad will lead Mark to reflect on what he did and will probably make him reconsider him acting this way again. It doesn’t make him a totally unsalvageable terrible person, it means his behavior wasn’t kind or reasonable.
Your friend’s need to never have Mark feel bad even when it’s appropriate isn’t going to help Mark grow and learn from these situations.
So yeah NTJ, I’d even say at this point that Mark isn’t the jerk anymore, but your mate needs to reassess how he’s handling this.
If you want some language to go back to your mate with, here’s what I’d say:
‘Mark was being rude all night. It’s common knowledge that some people can’t or don’t drink for private reasons – heavy drinking, medication, pregnancy, religion. No one should have to disclose their private information in order to not have booze forced on them. I think you can agree that’s reasonable. I think it’s a normal and healthy response that Mark feels bad about his actions – maybe he’ll be more mindful of people’s circumstances before acting like that again.
Last night you didn’t step in when your guest was repeatedly rude to me, which is on you. You could have pulled him to one side and asked him to leave it be, but you didn’t. Your discomfort at a slightly awkward social situation doesn’t outweigh my right to feel safe and not have my recovery threatened in my home.’
This is a point of personal preference (and I certainly wouldn’t say an obligation) but if I were you I’d consider whether there is some language you’re comfortable with using about drinking earlier on in situations like this so you’re not getting to the point where your night is being ruined and you and your wife are anxious and upset.
Like if you’re offered a drink a second time you could say something then to signal that you don’t want to be asked.
It could be ‘I’m in recovery so I’d prefer if no one offered me a drink, thanks’ but also if you’d rather not disclose that (totally reasonable) then ‘I can’t drink for medical reasons – I’d don’t want to go into it but I’m sticking with the soft drinks’.” Fayebie17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – what Mark did was not okay
You weren’t too honest. You were just honest. You shouldn’t have been put in a position to have to be that honest in the first place, but unfortunately, some people never learned the word ‘no’.
My husband is teetotal by choice at (nearly) 24. Not for the same reasons as you, but simply because he dislikes the taste of booze.
Now, he’ll partake on occasion with light drinks like cider, etc, but ultimately if offered a drink, he’ll politely decline.
I remember he had an ex-co-worker who was a few years older than him. At any work party, she would incessantly try to get him to drink. I already didn’t like this woman, simply because she was known for taking men’s marital status as a challenge and my husband was no exception (though I wasn’t worried on his part as he had zero interest in her and found her annoying).
After one particular work outing, my husband came home annoyed and explained to me that he had been drinking cola all night as usual. His co-worker had been pestering him and at some point offered to go up to get the next round of drinks. My husband confirmed that he wanted a plain cola. She brought back the drinks, pushed his ‘cola’ towards him, and smiled – he sniffed it.
It was a rum and cola. He refused the drink and went to get a regular cola by himself.
I was furious on his behalf! She had effectively spiked his drink and had the audacity to be all offended when he refused it. Some people can’t handle having a non-drinker among them.
Personally, I love having a built-in designated driver in my marriage so you’ll never hear me complain that my husband doesn’t drink.
As long as he doesn’t try to prevent me from having a glass of wine every other evening, he can do as he pleases.
Nobody should be harassed into drinking and nobody should ever feel obliged to drink something they don’t want just because someone else paid for it.” MedeaRene
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. ‘No thank you’ or ‘I’m fine’ are perfectly reasonable and you exhausted those polite replies several times and this guy wouldn’t let up.
Especially something like booze where you have no idea someone’s personal or family history if they’re pregnant and not ready to tell anyone, or for religious reasons. Asking if someone wants a drink (provided you don’t know any of that) once is perfectly fine and then you respect that person’s answer. Mark is a complete and total jerk for not respecting boundaries.
This is no different than a guy hounding a woman for their phone number while out at a club or something, completely in called for, and makes you wonder why they want you to get wasted so badly. You were perfectly reasonable with the response. Even the roommate is a bit of a jerk here for suggesting ‘he didn’t know’. The roomie could’ve told Mark especially when they saw him not letting up.
100% justified for embarrassing him.” lyonbc1
14. AITJ For Calling My Roommate Out For Not Washing The Dishes?
“I (36F) inherited a three-bedroom house when I was in my early 20s. In the beginning, I mostly just rented out to friends/coworkers and have always charged well below the general going rate for apartments in my area. I charge enough to cover fees, upkeep, etc.
In exchange, I have some ‘odd’ rules (that are in the rental agreement). Also because I live in the house too.
Any pets have to get along with my cat (never been an issue), friends can come over but overnight guests have to be ‘approved’ (and that just means let me know how long they’re staying ahead of time), and the big ones: the kitchen needs to be kept clean. Dishes don’t sit out overnight. You clean your mess that day, barring emergencies or something.
Basically, I never want to walk into my kitchen in the morning to make my coffee and find a mess.
Jenny has been living here for 6 months. She’s the sister of one of my former tenants. But about two months ago, Jenny started getting into cooking more than she normally would.
She started leaving dishes overnight to ‘soak’ and would wake up early in the morning and give me a sheepish smile and say ‘Oh I just don’t have the arm strength to clean these right after, they have to soak.’
I let her know once or twice was fine, but please don’t make a habit of it.
Fast forward to about a week ago, she made a roast chicken & sides and left the dirty dishes all over the kitchen. She went to work the next morning, leaving everything to ‘soak’ meanwhile I had no space to make my breakfast and there was an overall unpleasant odor.
When she got back she went to her room to wash up, and she was about to leave again for something I asked her when she was going to clean the kitchen. She just stood there awkwardly and said ‘Uhh well I mean I have plans so I was going to do it tomorrow. They have to soak, it’s too hard.’ She gave me an overexaggerated pout.
I told her that they’d already soaked, and she needed to clean them. She started to clean them but made a pitiful bunch of ‘oof’ and ‘unnnnh!’ noises as she heaved the dishes around and grunted really extravagantly trying to get across that it was just ‘soooo hard’ and everything was ‘too heavy’ and stuck to the pan.
I got tired of the theatrics and told her that her weak upper body strength isn’t an excuse to be a slob and that she either commits to cleaning her dishes the night she dirties them, as agreed, or she can move out and go slob up someone else’s house.
She started crying and stormed off, leaving all the dishes. She sent me a text saying that she’s ‘afraid’ of me now and that she doesn’t feel ‘safe’ living there because of my ‘absolutely crazy’ rules. She started polling people on her social media about it and telling people that I’m a mean old witch and that it’s absolutely insane she’s expected to clean her dishes that night and how I mocked her weakness.
I’ve never had an issue like this before with a roommate/tenant but it’s honestly making me think it’ll be my last one. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
There are real problems people have that can contribute to strength or motivation problems, but even if she has them then she needs to learn to live within her means.
She can either save up and get her own place and let things soak as she pleases or she can learn one-pan dinners because there are like a billion of them.
Doing this to a roommate is really rude, plus she signed a lease agreement and she knew what was expected so there are zero excuses.” bookynerdworm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, throw her out so fast her head spins. Within legal parameters, of course. If she actually knew how to cook stuff wouldn’t be stuck like that so it’s her own problem she is creating. If she’s too weak to move dishes around to wash them then she shouldn’t be cooking with them and needs to hit the gym a couple of days a week.
I’d have definitely thrown her out once she started trying to rally people against me. I will not live with someone who makes my home uncomfortable for me. If you don’t feel safe then get out, you’ve got 30 days. Here’s your paperwork. You’re no longer my problem.” kaosmoker
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you wrote the rental agreement for just this reason. She is playing emotional blackmail with the ‘scared of you’ routine.
Give her notice that she needs to find another place to live. Check the eviction rules in your state and give her the notice date based on this. Also make sure she sees and signs two copies, one for you and one for her.
Also, ban her from cooking in your kitchen, she has proved that she is not trustworthy to clean up after. Do not fall for the pouts, I’m a scared little girl… document everything, take pictures of the mess… document this thing obviously.
Let her know that you are documenting this. She’s an immature girl but she may get advice to sue etc.” Inside-introvert
13. AiTJ For Serving Vegan Food At My Wedding?
“My fiance and I are getting married in June next year. We’re both vegans, and although we don’t judge those who are not vegan, we wanted to serve vegan food at our wedding.
We found a vegan caterer.
When we sent out invitations, we added a note saying that the food will be vegan. We also asked that everyone who has any specific dietary requirements let us know. The note made it clear that anyone who needed a specific diet would be catered for.
Soon after the invitations went out, my aunt phoned us in a huff. My uncle does not want vegan food; he needs to eat meat, she said.
I asked what his dietary requirements are, thinking that he has a specific medical condition and cannot eat a vegan meal. She said his reasons are ‘cultural’ and he must eat meat. I said that’s not really a good enough reason, we all come from the same culture and it’s not like it’s a sin to not eat meat with every single meal.
I explained to her that I wouldn’t really mind him eating meat but 1) it means I’ll have to bring in a new caterer for one meal, which will be expensive, and 2) I don’t want to pay for meat if I don’t have to.
Again, I’m not judging non-vegans, but it doesn’t sit right with me.
Weeks went by. The only people who had dietary requirements were three cousins, who eat a low-carb diet. My vegan caterer came up with vegan, low-carb meals, and my cousins were happy with this plan. Upon hearing this, my aunt phoned me again, angrier this time, asking why my uncle can’t be catered for because he ‘doesn’t like’ vegan food.
I refused again. I told her that the food consists of things I KNOW he eats anyway: vegetables, coconut, nuts, etc. I went through a list of ingredients I knew would be in the food and she admitted he has no intolerances/allergies to any of that stuff. What’s the big deal with him skipping meat one time? I told her that if he’s so adamant about the meat he can buy himself Mcdonald’s and eat it at the kiddy table.
Now my aunt isn’t talking to me and is instead talking trash about me to all my family members. I told her that they are welcome to simply not attend the wedding if they’re going to complain about the food.
I understand that veganism is not possible or sustainable for many people in the long term but come on – it’s ONE meal, that is FREE.
AITJ? I don’t want to seem like a ‘pushy vegan’ but I also don’t want to pay for meat unless I have to. Again, it’s one meal out of their whole life.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ whatsoever. Your aunt is a jerk and needs to calm down. I have a medical dietary restriction and really appreciate it when people are willing to prepare a dish for me so I can also eat, so I understand that you want to be comfortable at your wedding and be able to eat everything.
You’re not being a pushy vegan. Have you talked to the parent whose sibling is the aunt/uncle? Is that parent aware of how their sibling is acting? At this point, I wouldn’t talk to her anymore about it and direct her to my parent if she has any additional comments. Also, they are more than welcome to not join like you mentioned, so hopefully they will get over themselves and you can have a worry-free reception.” MaroonRacoonMacaroon
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I’m probably going to get downvoted into oblivion but here we go. Everyone wants to give brides and grooms a free pass when it’s ‘their day.’
Your aunt and uncle are acting like brats. However, unless the majority of people coming are confirmed vegan, I’m having a hard time understanding the difference if the situation was reversed. Lots of weddings I go to have meat, fish, poultry, and vegan options.
Why is yours exclusively one option?
People have mentioned it being a ‘free meal’. I’m sure every place is different but when I show up at weddings I attempt to provide a gift, usually cash. Every culture is different so I am aware that isn’t true for everyone. I guess I don’t have to but I think it’s the right thing to do. Either way, in my eyes the meal isn’t free.
The argument of it being ‘your day’ always gets me. We are talking about food and forcing a dietary choice on a bunch of your friends and family who may not agree with that choice. The celebration is about your love. The day is about embracing this relationship that everyone is happy about. Give people options about what to eat and move on. What if 90% of your guests actually enjoy and want meat?
What are you trying to prove? Are you leveraging your wedding day as a social experiment to try and prove that vegan food is delicious? Cut it out. Don’t make this day about making some point about food. You’re just hearing from one person who was irrational enough to speak up about this.
There may be another 70% of couples who thought ‘Really? They aren’t even giving us a choice’ and then they show up and you never hear about it again.
(What I would do). Just because they didn’t say anything doesn’t mean they don’t think you’re a lunatic for forcing a dietary choice on a group of people.
The last thing that if I wasn’t going to get downvoted before, I sure will now… could this fit the comedic stereotype of vegans any harder? Just referencing jokes on the web.
Not specifically saying anything bad about anyone. Just an observation that made me chuckle.
Hope you have a great wedding and it would be a shame if the menu in some way distracted from the true point/value of the evening. Hope that doesn’t happen.” drinkMelk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your wedding, and you don’t say otherwise so I presume you’re paying for it, which means it’s absolutely your choice without any caveats.
It is very difficult to cater for events and frequently enough one finds that food at even small events isn’t to your own taste. You’ve gone out of your way to feed X-intolerant people, and to make vegans especially comfortable — many such people get anxiety before events because of fear of being embarrassed or ashamed about their food. If you’re at a wedding and you don’t like the food, you smile anyway and say the whole wedding is lovely, because that’s what good manners require.
I noticed 1) Aunt is complaining ‘for’ someone else, 2) you’re the bride and every single person there will kiss you, perhaps you don’t want meaty kisses. (The mean thought comes to me to buy two sausages for aunt and uncle and make a big fuss about them needing a ‘special meal’ like on a plane. Do not do this: the suggestion was for humor only!)” James_of_London
12. AITJ For Refusing To Pay Childcare Costs?
“I 39/f have twins Lucas and Leah/5 to my ex-partner Billy 44/m. Billy had two children previously Luke, 8, and Liam, 9, and another once we split. The reason we split was due to the fact I no longer wanted any more children whereas Billy did. Since the split, Billy has barely gotten along with every conversation turning into a fight as Billy refuses to sort anything out in person only saying we’ll sort it in court.
My relationship with Luke and Liam’s mum is a little better but we only talk if something is wrong with the kids.
The problem as the titles suggest is when Billy has the kids he often has to put them in alternate childcare arrangements. It’s not really due to no one being available to look after them but Billy’s new girl can’t apparently cope with all 5 kids alone for any length of time.
From what I can understand unless Billy or Billy’s mom is there she will lock herself in their bedroom to ignore all 4 kids as they are ‘too hard to handle.’ This has left Billy paying a childminder to look after them after school until he gets off work unless his mom can look after them.
I have offered to help find a solution to avoid these childcare costs by offering to pick up Leah and Lucas after school (Liam and Luke go to a different school and I’m not on their pick up list) before looking after them until he comes home from work where he could pick them up again.
This was met with screaming that it would stress Billy’s girl out further if he wasn’t home straight away after work and Billy doesn’t want me intruding on their time together as a family. Billy has said the only option is for all 4 kids to go to childcare on his time.
Here might be where I could possibly be the jerk. Billy wants me to pay for the cost of childcare for Leah and Lucas alone but won’t prove the costs.
Billy has quoted to me how much the cost of this childcare is which to me is very, very high for what is suggested to be 4 hours of care 2/3 days every 2 weeks. I have asked him for a copy of the invoice or any evidence that this is the cost but he’s refused to say. He doesn’t have time to find the paperwork and I should just take his word for it.
My only offer has been to pay for half the costs however Billy and his partner have refused it saying I need to pay the entire amount as they are apparently struggling with finances.
They are of course mad at me for refusing to pay for the costs but I don’t think I will be in the wrong for not paying it without any proof of what the actual cost is.
So, WIBTJ, or AITJ for refusing to pay the costs?
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As long as you are 50/50 custody or if you have primary, he should pay his own childcare costs and you pay your own. If you pay for half of the childcare while the kids are with him, then he should have to pay for half of yours when they are with you.
Which would hopefully be a wash.
I do not think you should have to pay all the childcare costs. He wanted more children so he needs to ensure he can pay for them. His partner should have also thought about getting with a guy with 4 kids if she didn’t want to deal with the children. Sounds like they bit off more than they can chew and want you to foot the bill.” AnonymousMowse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your ex made an agreement to pay for childcare. You didn’t. Those costs are on them to pay and aren’t your responsibility. They can’t force you to pay for something you had no say or knowledge of.
The only thing you’re required to pay is your child support, and for the kid’s needs when you have them. They can’t make a financial agreement like that and come after you for money when you talked to no one about it
Tell them to take care of their own finances and make cheaper arrangements if they can’t afford to pay the bills they agreed to. Those costs aren’t in your name and don’t allow them to add that expense to court documents. They can’t force you to spend your moolah on something you didn’t arrange.” depressivedarkling
Another User Comments:
“I would only offer to pay half of their general daycare; he’d be on the hook for the full amount while they are in his care if he needed additional arrangements.
Likewise, I would be on the hook for additional care I needed while they are in my care.
The only way this may be different is if there were huge income discrepancies, and one of us needed to pay the full amount for their general care or if it were ordered as a part of child support. It wouldn’t change additional bills accrued for extra childcare during our visitation time.
That would be each of our responsibility.
I think you’ve been more than generous to offer half, as I wouldn’t have. You’ve been more than accommodating by offering to take care of them during his parenting time.
His problem. NTJ.” vividtrue
11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend My Sister-In-Law's Wedding Without Telling Her?
“Me (28F) and my husband got married this January.
The day after the wedding, during our post-wedding lunch, my MIL brought up that it was SIL to be wed next. My husband and I thought nothing of it at first, SIL and her partner were just 6 months into their relationship then, and they are not even engaged.
A few days later, while texting with a cousin, her congratulating me and the wedding and stuff, she told me that during the reception SIL announced that she’ll be getting married next and basically took it as a chance to invite their side of the family. This, and the fact that she changed into another dress in the reception irked me. (All in the entourage wore the same gown and her changing made her stand out in the pictures)
Not gonna lie, I felt disrespected. I have been to many weddings and I’ve read enough to know that you don’t do that at someone’s wedding.
I told my husband how I felt and he told me my feelings are valid. I waited for him to talk to his sister about it but he never did. I understood though as he’s naturally introverted and it’s in his nature to avoid conflict.
I never brought it up myself as we have this deal ever since we’ve started going out to ‘deal with your own side of the family.’
We kinda already forgot about it and have never thought of it again. We thought their wedding was going to be pushed back a few years cause of the gathering restrictions in our country.
Now, a couple of months ago, she announced her wedding date, Jan 31.
Our wedding was on January 26. My husband’s birthday is January 30. My birthday is January 28. I was furious. There are a lot of dates on the calendar. Why near the special days for us?
My husband told me she’s so used to having the attention on her and can’t take it when someone else is in the spotlight. She’s a very sweet person though so everyone in the family is under her spell.
We’re afraid of bringing it up and just being told that we’re just making a big deal out of it and/or we’re the jerk for not wanting to share our special day with a ‘family’.
Now I’m thinking of planning a special trip for my husband and me on our anniversary/birthday. That is a valid excuse to not attend SILs wedding.
I’ll tell them when the date is getting near cause I don’t want to have a big confrontation and/or I don’t want his fam to guilt-trip us into attending.
AITJ?
Add: no I’m not claiming January as some people imply. I might have worded that poorly so it’s my bad. What made me upset is that she chose the date expecting us to just not have plans and be there. It didn’t matter that we told her when she first mentioned it that we are planning to be away around that time. (Hence saying a trip is already booked sounded a good idea, we already told them before.) She still booked the date.
As our birthdays are so close together, if we aren’t out of the country, we always have just 1 big party on my husband’s birthday. If the family is already expecting to drive 3 hours to attend her wedding, I’m already expecting them to not be there for ours.
Lastly, I know my judgment is flawed and I accept that my hurt could be clouding my rationale, which is why is opted to ask here.
I’m an introvert too and I can’t talk about this with my fam so I chose to ask strangers instead.
I’m just hurt by the fact that I am expected to be of decorum when I didn’t even get the same courtesy.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Sure, it’s poor taste to announce your big news during someone’s wedding and to change from your bridesmaid dress.
That being said, your plan would be a big overstep. First of all, you do not own the month of January. You don’t even own the last week of January. She didn’t book it on your anniversary… it might irk you, but you should let it go.
Secondly, your planning a trip is not going to be considered a good excuse to miss the wedding.
That would cause a huge fight, and as you mentioned, you’re going to look like the bad guys.
What does your husband want? Does he want to skip his sisters’ wedding? Because this will drive a wedge in his family so this should be his call.” Jenh66
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – do you seriously expect somebody else to plan their wedding date around YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Are they supposed to do that for every family member? People who plan weddings are balancing a million considerations. You don’t have to go I guess – a wedding is not a summons to court— but they don’t have to plan around you in that way (and honestly not coming on those grounds would be pretty rude.) They didn’t choose your anniversary and that is the most they owe you.
And the rest just seems petty of you. She wore the bridesmaid dress to the ceremony. She doesn’t have to wear it the rest of the night. Changing her clothes is not a slight to you unless she put on a wedding dress. Nor is talking about other things at your wedding if she didn’t grab the mic and make an announcement. I’ve no idea what people talked about or wore at my reception—- I was focused on my new spouse and catching up with loved ones.
Why are you so focused on what other people were doing? Planning a trip specifically to spite her is just amplifying you being the entitled jerk.” Raginghangers
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – If SIL made a big announcement, she is the jerk for the reception. If it was just brought up in casual conversation – you can’t police what people discuss at weddings in individual conversations.
However, doing it before the big set of pictures is a BIG jerk thing to do. Did she change before the big lineup of photos was taken or afterward, and was wearing something different just for the reception part after her duties were over? If she didn’t wait until after the photo shot/posed photos were taken, she is the jerk.
She seems totally like the jerk for the wedding reception behavior.
YOU, however, do NOT own the month of January, nor any specific date in there. Your wedding was a YEAR AGO. It was ‘one’ day, you do not own nor have any claim or rights to the last part of January in perpetuity. No one but you is going to give a darn about your anniversary, with MAYBE the exceptions of the ‘big’ anniversaries’ like 10 yrs, etc. She would have been the jerk had she done it on Jan 31 of the same year bc families don’t usually like doing back-to-back big events, nor can everyone afford it.
The birthdays have NOTHING to do with her wedding date. What happens when they have kids? Are you going to throw a fit if one of them happens to be born during ‘YOUR’ week? That is absolutely ridiculous.
If you plan a wedding trip JUST to avoid SIL’s wedding, knowing it will cause a bunch of drama because you think you somehow get to own the last week in January and nobody gets to have anything important happen then ever..
YWBTJ.” TerrifiedSquid
10. AITJ For Refusing To Pay My Former Psychiatrist's $100 "Late Fee"?
“I had problems with anxiety and sleeping. I found a psychiatrist near my job. She gave me a three-month supply of medication and I was to call her a week before I run out of meds so she could do a follow-up and decide if it was working or not and give me a refill or a new med.
I was down to maybe nine days’ worth of meds before I called her. I left a VM. Then it was four so I called again and left a VM and an email. Then I was down to the last pill and called and emailed her on Wednesday.
She calls me today at 10 AM and requests that I come down to her office for a follow-up and get an RX.
I had no choice but to go because she is off for the weekend. We scheduled the only time – 2 PM – that she was available. Because this was last minute and I am busy at work, I end up coming at 2:07 PM. We talked about the meds and she handed me an RX. It was a 12-minute ‘session.’ Before I leave she asks me how was I going to take care of her $100 late fee.
I thought it was some joke. I asked her what fee. She said that if a client shows up more than 5 minutes late, she cancels the appointment and there is a $100 fee when that happens.
I told her that it was her fault for not picking up her phone or replying to her emails over the last few days. And then she schedules something last minute knowing full well I have to come because I need these meds.
I said it feels like she’s scammed me. She said I signed the paperwork agreeing to the policy. Her late fee was more than the actual session. She said she did me a favor because she had deemed me a no-show yet still saw me which is like a ‘walk-in.’
I said I wasn’t going to pay anything and I was firing her.
And no, even if she took this to collections it’s not going to ruin my credit.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A lot of anxiety meds have some pretty severe withdrawals if you stop taking them. It was really irresponsible of her to do this to you. I get anxious if I get close to running out of meds, even if I know the prescription is there, and I just have to pick them up. I can’t imagine how it would be if I didn’t hear back from my doctor as the number of pills I have left dwindled.
If you weren’t able to come at in last minute like that, this would have had a major impact on your mental health. When I went off my meds, I had severe anxiety spikes and worse. I ended up having to go back on them and reduce the dose ridiculously slowly. Plus, there are a lot of workplaces that would have said no, you can’t leave now, and we’ll fire you if you do.
This was not only a crappy thing to do to you, it was downright dangerous. Also, the fact that she didn’t feel any responsibility for the situation is irritating. You are paying her for a service, and she is not providing it. I would fire her and refuse to pay the fine also. Not gonna lie, I would probably report her and give her bad reviews online.” ilovemyirishtemper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s unprofessional behavior. This is someone who doesn’t belong in the medical profession. Go to the various review sites and explain what happened. Time to find another psychiatrist. Are you seeing her in a hospital or outpatient clinic that’s part of a hospital? If so, call that hospital’s ombudsman and file a complaint. Believe me, this shrink will get a talking to.
Another thing you can do if you are going to a clinic is to call the practice manager. That’s the person who handles the business side of things. The practice manager can go and adjust your account, eliminating the ‘late fee’, which was ridiculous in the first place.
When I was in college, we had a 15-minute rule. If the professor was more than 15 minutes late, the class is canceled. Even someone like me, who is very good at showing up on time, can be 5-10 minutes late due to unforeseeable circumstances.
Pay this nutter her regular fee for a 30-minute session and fire her. You don’t owe her any more than that. If she complains, tell her, ‘The next time you see me will be in small claims court’.” AnonymousDarkWeb
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone who has worked in various medical settings, usually fees are reserved for no-shows or same-day cancellations. Refill appointments are usually scheduled months out, and should there be a scheduling issue with a reliable patient that has been seen consistently our nurses will call in a small script to hold you over until you can be seen, and cancellation or no show fees are sometimes waived depending on the person and how the situation is approached. Usually, people late for appointments are accommodated up to 15 minutes and at that point are asked to reschedule.
I have never heard of a 100-dollar late fee for being 5 minutes late. It’s absurd and it absolutely sounds like she’s trying to take people for a ride and holding medication hostage.” s********r
9. AITJ For Leaving The Hospital While My Wife Was In Labor?
“So my wife sometimes likes to choose her mom over me when her mom gets all upset. I guess she doesn’t like to see her mom sad even tho you can tell she is faking it.
Like when we were gonna go on a relaxing date she canceled it because her mom wanted to go to the mall with our firstborn and when my wife said she had something else planned, her mom sobbed crocodile tears and she went and said we can do the date later. Well, we didn’t go on that date till 2 months later because I didn’t have days to take off when she was off.
This is one example.
So a few days ago, my wife was gonna go into labor with our second and she had promised I can be in the room until my MIL told her a whole sob story about how she can’t wait outside and is too impatient and my wife caved in and when I took her to the hospital I was ordered to stay outside with our son.
Now at this point, I felt very upset and angry so I called my sister and asked if my son and I could stay over for a day and she said yes so I left with my son, went to the house got some clothes, and left. I texted my wife that I’m staying over with my sister with my son and that we can talk after she feels better.
After that, I talked to my sister about it while my son was hanging out with his cousin and then my wife texted me saying what was going on. So I told her about how I feel upset that she keeps choosing her mom over me and that when she feels better we can talk about it further.
She understood and so for the past 2 days when I’m not at the house my MIL is there to help and when I’m there I just do all the normal stuff and some housework.
Edit: 1. No I was not in a waiting room I was outside in the car with my 4yr son. 2. We had discussed that I would be in the room for a while even right before we went to the hospital. I had only found out I wasn’t allowed in after the doctors asked who my wife wanted and MIL pleaded to be in and my wife chose her.
Edit 2: We went with our son to the hospital because it was kinda unexpected that my wife was going into labor so we called MIL to meet us at the hospital and pick up our son. and as she lives closer she got there before us. So we got there and then edit one happened and then we just left.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have the right to feel the way you do, and it’s completely understandable.
Your only fault is that you let it go on to the point where it all came to a head at a pretty important moment and ‘blew up’, instead of just having a conversation about her mom when it first bothered you. You shouldn’t have left your wife at the hospital just because you couldn’t be in the room.
It seems to me like she’s pretty close to her mom, and I think any daughter is going to want their mom around for the birth of their children.
Her fault is kicking you, the father of that child, out of the room because she wanted her mom there. I don’t think that was fair at all, it’s your child, not her mother’s. If it comes down to one or the other, I think the actual parent should be the one in the room.
You and her need to have a conversation about setting boundaries with MIL, and MIL needs to start respecting that you and the children are the priority for your wife and not try to intrude on every family moment.
I think MIL is the real jerk, but you leave the hospital then dancing around the issue instead of talking isn’t helping your case.” DrkSknHokage
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 100% is your MIL for being (according to what you’ve told us) emotionally manipulative. You were a mini jerk for leaving the hospital (not for being upset – you had every right to be upset and 100% did the best thing I think you could do at the moment – but you need to go home and help your wife now dude.
MIL is using this as ammunition for the future) and also a little your wife – who also could have wanted her mother there for her in a revert to a time where you need your mom who’s gone through this, etc.
Since this is your second child, not sure if that is the case, or if it could be hormones, but the bottom line is you say that your wife gets stressed out when her mother is upset, and her being extremely pregnant is the most dangerous time for unnecessary stress.
Just go home and talk to your wife and explain how to hurt you were and that she NEEDS to set boundaries with her mom. It is so unhealthy for your relationship and your family if your kids grow up thinking that is how you express emotion.” CallMeByYourAIM
Another User Comments:
“I… at this time I’m just gonna say that guilt trips, even ‘joking’ guilt trips, are a form of emotional manipulation that is not necessarily easy to spot as harmful.
You may think your MIL doesn’t mean it? And she might not?
But I really don’t want to think about what it might have been like for your wife growing up if she was constantly subjected to these any time she had personal plans that didn’t involve her mom. Imagine a ‘joking’ guilt trip on a five-year-old. Someone tries to explain that mommy is just being silly.
You do the thing you wanted to do anyway… suddenly? You’re either in trouble, or worse… you’re not in trouble, but your ‘disappointing mommy’ is brought up often. It is implied you ‘owe her for making her sad’.
This could go on for years. Eventually, you don’t know how to say no to your mom anymore. The very idea is terrifying. What if she’s sad?
Only a terrible person makes their mother cry… she’s really sensitive and wants to see her grandchild born so badly. She didn’t get to be in the room for your first one after all.
I think… this might not be the case? But it is something you might need to watch out for. Watch how your wife interacts with her mom. Does she ever say no to little things?
Does she ever complain about her mom at all? Does she get nervous if you tell her mom no? Does she over-explain when she needs to tell you no on something? Is she able to reject sudden requests from others if followed by a similar guilt trip? Does she avoid confrontation to a fault?
I am only mentioning it because this is the kind of thing that is very easy to overlook… it may not be the case but if it is…
Well NTJ due to lack of information. Try to work things out calmly though? There are resources online on how if you need help.
(And if this is the case keep in mind your MIL may not be aware of this being bad. It might have been how she, herself was raised)” IttyBittyDice
8. AITJ If I Don't Give Silver And A Truck To My Dad's Friend?
“My (30f) father passed away in Feb. We haven’t talked verbally since 2015 and only texted a few times before his death. He wasn’t the greatest dad.
In Jan, we texted a few times until he went into the hospital. Days later he was in a coma and it got worse from there. I chose to pull him off the ventilator after 20 days when there were no signs of getting better.
Before he went to the hospital, he texted me everything he wanted me and others to have and apologized in his own way.
He wanted me to have 700lbs of silver, 150 for his friend ‘Kate’ and another 50 pounds for Kate’s friend ‘Jane.’ He also wanted Jane to have his truck and $1k for new tires.
I met Kate following his passing. My dad lived with her.
She is in her 70s and gay so it was just friends. The silver was supposedly all in the safe and Kate didn’t have access. I found the code going through my dad’s things and only saw about 700-900 ounces. Closed the safe, looked through more things, then flew back home.
Out of nowhere, Kate texted me accusing me of stealing the code and going into her room.
Both never happened. She has not been so pleasant to deal with at this point and is demanding I magically get all his things asap. Prior to this, she said she could hold it for a year max as everything will take a while in court. Would I be a jerk if I kept all of his things and didn’t share? I am the only heir.
She has treated me like garbage and I am over it. I am not a liar or thief and she has yet to give me an apology.
Edit: there is no will or trust. Everything he told me was through a text shortly before he went into the hospital.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Morally, not legally. Pretty sure he meant ounces, not pounds, in his text based on what you found in the safe.
It’s not right for you to go against his clearly stated wishes just because you don’t like the woman. He obviously cared for her and she probably took care of him while he was dying, so it wouldn’t be right to disregard his wishes. Also, my parents (they were gone within a month of each other) had some minor outstanding medical bills when they passed. I called to ask about them, and when the hospital and ambulance companies found out that they had died they just wrote the bills off and told me to forget about them.
I had to send a copy of the death certificates but that was all. It’s worth a try.” CADreamn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because there aren’t these hundreds of pounds of silver so even putting aside that a text message isn’t a binding will, you just can’t carry out his wishes because the silver isn’t there. There are only about 50 or so pounds. I’m not sure how much will even be left after settling the estate, paying off expenses, and paying for the funeral.
You might want to look into what is with that disparity between how much he had and how much he thought he had. It could be that he wasn’t mentally well and had ideas about how much silver he had or it could be that someone had their hand in the cookie jar.
Personally, I find it kind of dubious that someone has these huge vaults of silver bars (which I doubt anyone even makes).
Any serious investments in commodities like silver are always in paper and not in physical delivery. Perhaps there are investment accounts that you’re not aware of yet.
I’d also suggest getting a lawyer.” ElNachoDelFuego
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s pretty obvious that your dad said pound and meant ounce. You should fulfill his wishes if you can. First, you need to pay off any outstanding bills he might have before you or anyone else gets anything.” RedditDK2
7. AITJ For Letting My Husband's Ex Struggle When I Could Technically Pay?
“My Husband ‘B’ (36) and his ex ‘K’ (34) share 2 kids 16, and 14. Split custody 50/50, no monthly child support (CS) but B pays all insurance, med costs, extracurriculars and has to put $150 each in a college fund each month. I have a 16yr old myself.
B made a base income but got bonuses and commissions. On commission checks, he would send K 50% of it, on bonuses he would send K 35%.
This was not court-ordered but very regular.
Well B was in a wreck, couldn’t work for 5 months, got fired (legal, called lawyer). Took 3 months to find another job that could cater to his new disabilities but took a huge pay cut and no more bonuses/ commission. I paid all bills plus his child obligations, even the average sum of what he sent K extra per month during this time.
After realizing his pay wouldn’t recover, we talked to K and told her we can no longer afford to send her extra, as we weren’t making it. She seemed to understand.
During this time period, my child turned 16 and saved up 4k for a car. I have always promised to match whatever they save. This money was already put away. We got a car for 6k, my kid pays her own insurance/gas.
B’s 16yr old saw and somehow got K to lease her a car ‘in fairness.’ K did not consult us about it. Next month, she hits us up for money. After some discussion, she assumed we figured out the money after seeing us buy my 16yr old a car.
We explain that’s not the case, but she got so angry, cursed us, and ended up taking us to court for CS.
The court determined that K makes significantly more than B and she needs to pay $300 a month in CS and reimburse insurance. His past income did not matter since he is now considered disabled.
It’s been about 3 months since and K’s entire family is blowing us up telling us how horrible and evil we are. That K is being threatened with eviction and B’s 16yr car is being repoed.
They say it’s my fault cause K only leased it since she expected us to keep paying, that her paying child support means she can’t afford her rent, and I’m spoiling my 16yr old playing favorites. K also says that my income plays a role since the kids live w/ me 50% of the time so I am horrible to deprive the kids.
This makes me feel horrible.
AITJ here? I could pay but I would not be able to save since I am paying more since B makes way less.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. K appears to have trouble thinking things through, but that is not your or B’s fault.
K decided to lease a car despite not having the budget for it. K decided you would be paying for it without talking to y’all.
K decided to go to court for cs despite knowing that she didn’t get any before and knowing that since the last time things were negotiated your husband has gotten a massive pay cut.
K got what was coming and that’s not your fault. The court decided she owed child support, and that has nothing to do with you.
You are responsible for the kids, which is why you take care of them and were paying for their costs when your husband got hurt.
You are not responsible for K or her actions. If she is no longer able to care for her kids, that is not your fault and y’all might need to look into renegotiating custody.
Also, why would K lease a car for her kid and make y’all reimburse her instead of y’all just paying for the car? I’m guessing her 16-year-old spun a tall tale about y’all refusing to get them a car and didn’t mention that your 16-year-old had saved up the money for it.
What has K’s kid had to say about all this?
Make sure K’s kids understand that you care about them and will continue to support them and tell K’s family to bug off.” Tammielo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I hate it when people spend moolah they don’t have.
K was told before that B had issues and that he lost his job and wasn’t earning anything anymore.
K and the family can get lost as you need to say ‘My daughter’s money is her own money and if she saved up to buy a car that’s hers not mine, K made her own choice to lease a car under an assumption she made after we told her our budget was tight. We have not hidden anything from her. K was the one who took it to the courts and it blew up in her face, we did not encourage or lie about anything’.
Also, why did K need a new car? Did she not have one? If she had one but wanted a new one make that a point that she didn’t need a new car, if she didn’t then don’t comment on why she bought one by why she did so without checking to see if we had sorted out our income to be able to provide the same support you did before since she was relying on your support/income to pay for the car.
Bottom note; sorry but no your income is you own. You have no obligation to pay for your partner’s child support. In fact, I’m fairly certain you could tell B to stop working altogether and be a stay-at-home dad while you earn and K would be forced to pay even MORE. I’d double-check with someone who works in family courts in your area on this one but I have seen it happen in Australia where I live.” Daedric1991
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s very clear she can’t deal with taking the responsibility for her actions gone wrong. SHE TOOK IT TO COURT. Not only does he not owe her now she owes him. She took it to court, now she doesn’t like how it ended.
Why would she lease a car she knows she cannot afford on her own, for her 16-year-old child the second they ask because they’re jealous of your child’s car without consulting you or B, or figuring out what’s actually going on.
She was being impulsive and reacting immaturely and in no way did you make that decision for her, the blame for her actions is on her.
YOU SHOULD NOT EVER HAVE TO MAKE UP FOR A MISTAKE YOU DID NOT MAKE. Understood there are exemptions, but this is absolutely not one. She could have come to you and B with clear communication, clearly, you’d be sympathetic if you’re still sympathizing with her at this point.
If your child can save up $4,000k at 16 without having her own vehicle, why can K’s child not do the same?
Absolutely NTJ NTJ NTJ NTJ.” Smmy27
6. AITJ For Telling My Partner That My Kid Seeing His Bio-Dad Doesn't Concern Him?
“I had my son 7 years ago when I was 20. His father didn’t think he was ready to be a dad because he was a heavy partier and has never met him but he has always been on top of child support payments.
He wanted to pay because he didn’t want to be a ‘deadbeat’.
A year and a half ago I met my current partner. He moved in after 8 months. From the very beginning, I made it incredibly clear that if my child’s father ever wants to meet our son, I was going to allow it. My son deserves to know who his father is. Currently, my son has only seen pictures and he asks about his dad often.
Now, my partner claimed to be 100% okay with this. He has no kids of his own but stepped in as a step-parent for my boy. He doesn’t pay for anything for my sons. I and his bio father do. And while I don’t have contact with my son’s father, we still maintain a very civil relationship when we do speak.
Two weeks ago his bio-dad got ahold of me and said he thinks he is ready to meet him.
He has since dropped the entire partying lifestyle and seems to be pretty well off considering his upbringing. I responded and we set up a date, which in the end he couldn’t meet (he was T-Boned and his vehicle was totaled when he was on the way to the meeting spot. He sent me pictures.) During all of this, my partner didn’t say anything so I had no reason to believe there was an issue.
However, last night he told me that he doesn’t want ‘his’ son to meet his real dad. He says ‘What if he likes him more than me?’ Or ‘Why does he feel like he can just step in after 7 years?’ He has tried convincing me to tell my son’s father that he isn’t seeing him. I told him no, that this is my decision and I have been clear about my stance since day 1.
That I understood his concerns but ultimately, this is for my son’s benefit. He is sulking now and saying I’m being insensitive to his feelings; while I personally think it’s a selfish request.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Sounds like the guy is somewhat naturally leery about what effect on your son this introduction of bio-dad will have. That’s perfectly natural and I would hope/ presume you have those same thoughts and feelings.
The guy knows it’s your sole decision which may actually make him feel even more threatened/ dispensable/ not relevant if you know what I mean. I’m giving the guy the benefit of the doubt here by hoping the guy is not being truly jerky or controlling. Is he in other ways? I’m just seeing another possible point of view. Is his position regarding himself here self-centered/ selfish?
Yes, but it’s also somewhat normal given the circumstances and hopefully is a strong indication of his true attachment to your son. So of course you’re right to say the guy has no say, but maybe try to be somewhat sensitive to his feeling of displacement.
I think it’s the very fact that your partner has no say is what’s bugging him if you know what I mean.” dart1126
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
While I agree the guy is being selfish and can’t control OP’s son meeting his bio-father, I do think OP can show him some empathy and emotional support without changing her course of action.
The guy complains that OP is being insensitive to his feelings. And while sure in a perfect world he’d handle this fine on his own, or at least not make any requests based on it, if he’s been a good partner to OP and a good step-father to her son, I think OP can repay that kindness with kindness of her own.
I think OP should talk to her partner about this. Just ask him how he feels. What his concerns are. And then empathize without judgment. She can say things like ‘that does seem really unfair’ and ‘you stepped up from the beginning’. She can empathize that the guy has come to care about his son and the son cares about him (if he does?) and that he’s worried that the relationship is in danger.
His feelings and concerns are valid, even if they are selfish because being worried about losing people we love is always selfish but that doesn’t mean it’s not understandable.
Then I think OP should talk to the guy about if she and the guy stay together long term and he is the step-dad she knows he’ll always be very important to her son. That son might learn to love his dad too, but that doesn’t mean he won’t love OP’s partner.
Even if they move to the guy having some custody, she’s still the primary parent, and if he is her live-in partner (eventually? now?) he’ll still have more parent time than bio-dad. That said, there is an unfair factor where the son has always wanted his bio dad and knows he exists and has built him up in his head and loves the idea of him even with no effort on the dad’s part.
And bio-dad may always be special to him just for that reason, and no it’s not necessarily fair, and empathize with that.
The guy may be looking at his future of potentially being one of the two primary parents to this kid for the next 11 years but still always being the second place ‘not my real dad’ to a guy who didn’t care for 7 years and now is making a tiny effort which I feel his feelings about understandable.” TheHatOnTheCat
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’ve communicated your position very well with him. He seemingly understood, however, I would bet he wasn’t expecting this day to come so soon. Like you said, he stepped into the step-parent role and sees your son as his. Now that the bio-father wants to be in the picture, he’s scared that he’ll lose the relationship he has with your son.
Despite not being b***d, he took your child into his heart. I will say that through a brief read, it seems as though you make sure that he understands that he is not the father which is probably quite hurtful to him since he cares for your son and sees him as family. I think both of you need to sit down with your son, as a family, and talk the logistics out.
Your bf needs reassurance. It would benefit your son to know that he now has two people playing a father role for him.” kypiextine
Another User Comments:
“Providing no financial support? Does he help with rent/housing? Help with groceries? Help with gas? Help with utilities? Pay for dinners for the two of you? Sorry babe, but he is helping. Just because he doesn’t buy the clothes, pay for field trips, etc, doesn’t mean he provides no financial support.
If he doesn’t assist with those things in the house he lives in, that’s a whole other issue.
Quite frankly, YTJ. ‘Dad’ has a role in his life and… he hasn’t spent a day with him? But the guy hasn’t a year and a half under his belt? Biology has no place here. Imagine if this was a foster child, living with another family, for an entire year and a half, and six months before the family would be able to legally adopt him ‘Dad’ suddenly wants to be the dad again.
Is he legally entitled to it? Sure. Is he a jerk? Completely. And financial assistance means nothing too. He’s not paying for a placeholder, this is a child. It’s more than a little weird to be like, ‘I’m not ready to be a dad for 7 years but here’s money to hold my spot so I can see him when I’m ready.’ And you let this happen makes you a jerk as well.
It doesn’t make any sense to MOVE your partner in, let him play ‘step’ dad, and then be like, ‘Your opinion in this doesn’t matter.’ The only thing making him a jerk is that you told him that when you first met, and he didn’t bring up that he would be uncomfortable when he realized, but that is IT. He genuinely is the only non-jerk in this situation, personally.
He’s taking it like a champ, and you should count yourself lucky that he’s been this dedicated, and STAYS this dedicated.
Why you wouldn’t want THIS guy to be the father figure is beyond me. It’s honestly a little messed up that he said his son and instead of validating his feelings/insecurities and being glad this man cherishes your child the way you do is really messed up.
You could have very nicely and gently reassured him that both of them have a place in the son’s life and just bc he’s meeting his bio-dad doesn’t mean that his role in the son’s life is going to change or mean less.
It’s not very often when men open up about their feelings and insecurities and you really dropped the ball on this one, don’t get me wrong, you could have still maintained the stance you had while being gentle and empathetic.
That’s what makes you the jerk.
You better get your kid some therapy bc his ‘dad’ walking into his life after 7 years? Because ‘he wasn’t ready’? Gonna have some issues.” thealmostrebel
5. AITJ For Roasting A Guy Who Said It's Okay To Cry?
“So I’ve never been a crier. It’s just not my personality. When I’m faced with a problem, my immediate instinct is ‘how do I solve this?’ As in I’m completely focused on remedying the issue. I just don’t feel too many negative emotions when I’m faced with problems. Did I get a bad grade on a test? I’ll convince the teacher to let me retake.
Do my parents yell at me? I’ll get them back on my good side. You get the idea. And so, I can’t remember the last time I cried when faced with a problem.
Anyhow, yesterday I got dumped and told my friends about it. Honestly, it’s no biggie. I’m mostly sure I can win her back, and even if I don’t, it’s not a big deal. I’ll move on, plenty of fish in the sea.
Don’t get me wrong, I like her, otherwise, I wouldn’t be trying to get her back, but she’s not unique.
Anyhow, I was hanging out with some people today, and they were just checking up on me. I assured them I was fine. They asked what I was going to do, and I told them since I had the ACT soon, I would go joke, do some practice problems, get a workout in, and then maybe start coming up with a plan to get her back.
One of them, let’s call him Jack, said that it was okay to sit down and grieve and be sad. I told him I don’t really feel grief, I just want to be productive and fix the issue if I can. I explained that I don’t really cry, and he didn’t seem to believe me and kept trying to hound me about it.
So I got annoyed and told him, ‘look, maybe you sit around crying all day whenever something doesn’t go your way, but that’s not me.
I just go and fix the problem, and if I can’t, so be it.’
This annoyed him because he was ‘just trying to help.’ I don’t like that he wouldn’t back off after repeatedly being told to. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Sorry, YTJ.
Emotions are natural, and feeling/expressing them is natural as well. As a therapist, I get a LOT of people who try to problem solve their emotions for years.
That works for a while until it doesn’t, then they end up in my office middle-aged and a mess.
Doesn’t mean you have to cry to feel emotion, but it’s ok to allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. If the guy you were talking to processes his emotions through ‘grieving and being sad’ (whatever that means to him and/or to you), good for him.
If you process emotions another way, ok cool. Problem-solving them isn’t always helpful, but you do you. Putting him down for how he expresses his emotions is never a good look for anyone though, especially when it sounds like he was trying to be supportive of you.
On an aside, ‘Don’t get me wrong, I like her, otherwise I wouldn’t be trying to get her back, but she’s not unique’ is another not-so-great look for you.
If she dumped you and told you she’s not interested and you’re coming up with a plan to win her back while simultaneously acting like you don’t really care about her at the same time? YTJ x2. Respect her boundaries.” Fancy-Tangerine2808
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you don’t cry, that’s fine. He cries, that’s fine as well. You’re completely entitled to handle life the way you like so long as it doesn’t hurt others.
Problem is, how you responded to him – even if he was hounding you about it you could have just nicely told him something, not accused him of ‘sitting around crying all day because something doesn’t go his way.’ You’re making an accusation that just cos some ppl shed a tear, they’re balling their eyeballs out being overly sensitive for a whole day (at least).
And if your friend does shed a tear for someone he loses, you’re making it sound like he’s a useless person for doing so.
It’s not crying and getting nothing done vs zero feelings and getting things done. You ought to rethink your choice of words and go apologize.
I agree he should have stopped after being told to, but there would have been other ways to make him stop, eg.
Hey man I’m done talking about this if you’re gonna keep pushing on it I’m just not gonna respond/ignore. I assume there were other ppl during that catch-up, you could have just changed the topic and chatted with someone else.
Tldr: The way you handled it and the words you said makes you a jerk.” aselletee
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. First of all, everyone grieves differently.
Just because you don’t cry doesn’t mean you can just dump on how others grieve. And usually, when people are like how you are, they’re typically not alright. Bottling up emotions is not good. It will send you down a spiraling path. It hurts you and hurts everyone else.
I also don’t understand how you want to try to get your ex back but then tell us that she’s not unique.
You were with her for a specific reason unless it was just to********. She probably dumped you because you’re emotionally unavailable when she needs you. Your attitude is the reason why you won’t have a lasting relationship/or will have a very miserable one. You bottle up your emotions and when you have a SO that needs you emotionally, you just can’t shut down and tell them to move on.
Let’s say y’all had a baby who’s now gone. You just can’t fix that. Unless you’re that type of jerk who goes ‘Oh, let’s have another one to replace the one who’s now gone’.” moonydog5555
4. AITJ For Telling My Dad's Partner's Daughter He's Not Her Dad?
“So my dad has been seeing his woman for just over a year. They get on wonderfully and she seems okay to me. I’m just glad he’s finally happy after my mom’s passing a few years ago.
Due to the health crisis, she recently moved into the farmhouse he has been renovating for his retirement years. So the woman has a daughter around my older brother’s age (early 30s). I’ve only met her a few times, but don’t really have an opinion of her other than she seems like kind of a brat.
Dad had us all out at the farmhouse and it was going well, and somehow we got on the subject of retirement.
No amounts were discussed, just tips on saving, plans for what you want to do, and whatnot.
Dad and the woman went inside to check on dinner, leaving me, my brother, daughter, and her 3y/o son. We got talking about beneficiaries, and the daughter asked about our dad’s designations. Weird, but I told her that if anything were to happen, the accounts would all get split 2 ways, me and my brother, with the house going to me.
That was what we had discussed as a family. My brother doesn’t want the hassle of clearing out/selling the property so that’s my job.
The daughter comes back with ‘It should be split 3 ways, you, brother, and my mom.’ I disagree. 1. They just hit the year mark a month ago. 2. They aren’t married. 3. They will never be married. 4. I am concerned that you’re talking about my dad passing with such zeal.
I tell her this, and she starts accusing me of how I’m going to kick her mother out of the house, and how it should pass to her instead.
I get a bit heated, and my brother is fuming and so I tell her that she doesn’t have to worry about it anyhow since he’s not her dad. She grabbed her son and loaded him up in the car and left. I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth at times, but my brother says not to worry about it.
AITJ?
(Side note: we had some very uncomfortable and sobering discussions about end-of-life and financial plans after my mom passed. That’s when everything was decided. Also, dad had made it very clear to us and gf that he has no plans to remarry. That’s fine by her. If he changes his mind and decides to remarry, we will revisit the discussion. Also, he is a healthy 53 y/o man with no major health issues, exercises regularly, and eats well.
And no, I would not kick gf out of the house if something were to happen, I just take over ownership of the property.)
Edit: I should clarify, the only part of what I actually said to her was that I didn’t like how she was talking about my dad’s passing. 1-3 were all kept to myself. All stated instances of what goes where are all in writing and official. I wouldn’t have a problem if he makes changes, that’s his right.
This is just what it is as of today.
Edit 2: both Dad and the woman were concerned about it. From what I understand, the daughter did something similar to this several years ago with her mom’s last serious relationship, and with her fiancé/baby daddy’s family. And right now the whole housing thing is moot. She’s just staying until the health crisis has abated and she is no longer furloughed. She’s getting an apartment again afterward, I guess she and Dad just like their own space too much lol.
To put it in the woman’s words ‘mine is mine, his is his, and that’s how it’ll be for a while, she’ll survive’.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your dad is only 53 and healthy means it isn’t too crazy to think he has, conceivably, another 50 years before he’s gone. And a lot can change in that time. I’m not saying he shouldn’t have his will set up, and obviously, after your mother, you know better than most people that anything can happen, but talking about a healthy 53-year-old man in the way the woman’s daughter did is just kinda macabre if nothing else.
Not to mention how much his will might change, it’s his choice. He and his woman might end up getting married, she might be gone before him, he might end up selling the house before he passes, he might outlive you and your brother. Bad things happen. They might break up tomorrow and then this conversation doesn’t matter.
And I guess there’s an argument to be made that you’re in the wrong because you didn’t necessarily bring up these kinds of points and you just told her, outright, that she and her mother weren’t going to get anything.
But it sounds like she didn’t really give you much opportunity to have a real discussion about it and frankly she’s in the wrong for even bringing it up after only a year. There may be something to be said for his partner’s rights as a tenant and as his partner, and what she’s entitled to when he passes, even if they aren’t married. But that’s a discussion that:
A) should happen privately between your dad and his woman. And your dad should make the relevant amendments to his will.
B) doesn’t need to happen this early in the relationship, anyway.” TheFlester
Another User Comments:
“Your dad’s partner’s daughter is the jerk for pushing the topic.
That said, I do think if they’re still together in five or ten years your dad and his woman should be revisiting wills with your kids to include each other in it.
Once people build lives together– regardless if they ever signed a paper to be married– and expenses are shared/split for an extended length of time, it becomes harder and harder to just say ‘what’s mine is mine, he is his, and mine goes to my daughter and his goes to his child’. The woman likely doesn’t own a home so she can live with your father right now, and she will be paying for things like home improvement, property taxes, etc on this home for the years to come.
NTJ and this isn’t a bad set-up for a relationship as short as this one, but if they’re still together 20 years down the line when they’re both in their 70s, if one of them passes away, it would be cruel for either you and your brother or her daughter to swoop in and take everything that was your parent’s. Kicking a 70-year-old woman out of the home she’s lived in for 20 years would be morally wrong at that point.
(And I would hope by that point that you and your brother wouldn’t need it in writing to want to ensure that your father’s partner is taken care of. I don’t know if you have kids yet or planning to have kids, but as someone whose grandma started going out with her partner when I was 10… my grandma’s partner never was my mom’s stepfather, but he was sure my grandfather in all the ways that mattered. He was family, and I would be really hurt if my parents didn’t do right by my grandfather).
Her daughter sort of has a point in that regard, even though her pushing the topic against her mom’s will at such an early point in the relationship is a jerk move. That said, her daughter may be trying to push the issue to protect her, though it’s clearly too early and unwarranted. It is something your dad should revisit in a few years.” kaitou1011
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This lady sounds kinda crazy. She’s a grown woman who expects to get something out of your dad’s passing just because her mom’s going out with him. Even if your dad married his partner, that doesn’t make the woman’s daughter entitled to anything, and odds are the more sentimental stuff (like the house) would still go to you or your brother anyways.
You might wanna tell your dad his partner’s kid was talking out of line and need to be sorted out. I feel like she’s gonna be a recurring issue.” HoneycombHalo
3. AITJ For Being Mad At My Coworker Who Reported Me To The HR For Making Gay Jokes?
“My coworker Gio (40M) and I (30F) have worked together for 6 years and we are good friends.
We have this running joke where the two of us refer to his former boss Drew as his partner. Drew was a jerk to everyone in their team except Gio, he gave him all the good accounts and he even endorsed Gio for a promotion even when Gio only met 70% of his targets. (I don’t begrudge Gio any of this since we didn’t even belong to the same team when Drew was his boss.) Drew is straight as an arrow, is notorious for being a womanizer, and was fired last year for harassment.
I should clarify that Gio and I refer to Drew as his partner only when it’s the two of us who are talking, though our coworkers know the joke because we sometimes talk loudly. Gio is fine with our running joke and also refers to Drew as his partner when we talk. For his birthday this year, I photoshopped his and Drew’s faces into a gay couple’s picture and included it in my email greeting to him.
He laughed at it for a good half a minute and then forwarded it to several coworkers who also got a kick from it.
Our new coworker Kate, who has been with the company for 2 weeks, overhead one of my and Gio’s conversations where I called Drew Gio’s partner so she thought Gio was gay. When she mentioned it to our other coworker Cory, Cory told her that Gio is straight, married, and has kids, and the thing about Drew being Gio’s partner is just a long-time inside joke between me and Gio.
Kate went straight to HR to complain about me making jokes about Gio’s gender.
HR spoke to me and Gio, who told them that it was a long-time inside joke between us that he took part in. I was ultimately cleared of any wrongdoing, but it annoyed me that Kate didn’t even talk to Gio to ask if there was actually an issue.
I’ve been avoiding her ever since because I honestly don’t know what I should even tell her after what she did. My partner says I shouldn’t be angry at her because she was new and didn’t know our inside jokes yet, but my point is that while I understand that Kate thought she was trying to do a good thing, Cory already told her it was a long-time running joke, and Kate didn’t even talk to Gio if her concern is something that she should really be concerned about.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You didn’t mean any harm in your joke but what you are doing (without realizing it) is creating a toxic work environment. The lightheartedness of your joke is completely bogged down in homophobia, and the idea that just because a man likes and admires somebody automatically makes it a gay, romantic thing.
I’d also be curious to know how funny Drew finds/would find this joke, because it doesn’t sound like he knows, honestly.
Which makes me think that it might not be as lighthearted as you let on. Whether or not he got fired for harassment really doesn’t have anything to do with this.
As for Kate needing to ask if there was an issue, Kate does not need the opinion of a straight person on whether or not your homophobic jokes were offensive. She also doesn’t need the input of straight people in order to determine whether or not there ‘is a problem’ with your rhetoric.
As a rule of thumb, any joke that comes at the expense of a marginalized group is absolutely a problem. I’m actually surprised that HR is so willing to defend your jokes against a protected class, tbh. They could get sued.” User
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Kate technically did the right thing. Confronting coworkers directly without the input or advice of HR can lead to worse problems. Also, some people will laugh and shrug off a joke at their expense even though they are personally uncomfortable with the joke.
Gio could have secretly been unhappy with the joke and didn’t feel like he could speak out. So, in effect, Kate did the correct thing.
I’ll also add that your joke (implying attraction is the primary reason a person receives favorable treatment) is problematic, to say the least.
Speaking from personal experience, my coworkers and I have made questionable jokes with each other when we’ve built a rapport.
So I understand your annoyance with Kate’s actions. You’re not the jerk for feeling uncomfortable. But you would be the jerk for ‘punishing’ her by intentionally avoiding her for doing what she thought was the right thing.
If I were you, I would ask her if we could chat about the joke she overheard. If she’s open to a conversation, then explain that you and Gio have a relationship that lends itself to an admittedly bad running joke.
Tell her that you understand her feelings and hope that the two of you can have a productive work relationship. Don’t be that person who doubles down on bad behavior just because the other party wasn’t offended this time.” Robot941
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You’re at work, you don’t make jokes like that. Sure, Gio doesn’t mind but, as you’ve seen, anyone who isn’t ‘in’ on the joke could take offense.
I’m not saying you can’t have any office banter, but this has come across as homophobic ‘banter’ and that’s not appropriate, anywhere.
Don’t avoid Kate. Like someone else said, appearing cold towards her could just make things worse. Cut the ‘guy’ jokes and get some new work-friendly material.
Maybe check with HR or your manager to see if this sounds like a good idea, but you could talk to her to clear the air.
Maybe just say something like ‘Hey, I’m sorry we offended you, we just had this silly inside joke. We didn’t realize how it might look to someone new. We’ll retire that one and just stick to ribbing each other over (something else).’ (Different football teams? TV programs? What do you talk about when you’re not talking about Drew being Gio’s partner?). Let her reply, but make a hasty retreat when you can – ‘Anyway, I better go (do some work) see you later!’ – don’t get drawn into a discussion about it.
You are sorry you’ve offended her, right? You don’t want to offend people, right? You don’t have to agree with why she’s offended, but you can still say sorry that it’s happened.
Edited to add: I can’t blame her for going to HR instead of you or Gio. She’s new, and she mentioned it to someone else who was like ‘Yeah that’s their joke, whatever’ – why would she go to the source after that response?” Impressive_Big3342
And if SHE was the offended party, she should've spoke on HER behalf instead of under the pretense that it was for Gio.
2. AITJ For Letting A Young Woman On The Train Sleep On My Shoulder?
“I am fortunate enough to live in a city with a (mostly) reliable public transportation system which I utilize to go to and from work. The train I take is generally quite crowded, but luckily I happen to live near the terminal, so on the vast majority of days I can get myself a seat.
Last Thursday, I got on the train and sat down as I normally do. At the second stop (I get off at the sixth), a young woman sat down next to me. Since most people get on at the third stop (which has a large transfer), there were still a couple of seats open. As I read my book and relaxed, I noticed her repeatedly drifting off next to me.
It happens, as rolling along that track can be almost hypnotic at times. I too have fallen asleep on more than one occasion.
Finally, she fell asleep leaning up against me. The difference in our height was pretty large, so her head was nestled up against my shoulder. I felt her softly breathing. To be entirely honest, I just felt awkward and didn’t know how to wake her up (do I say something?
move around a bit? cough?) so I just let her sleep there. It didn’t really bother me either way.
About fifteen minutes later, she opened her eyes and noticed she was on my shoulder. Half-asleep, she looked around confused. Then, when she realized she had been sleeping on me, she glared.
At first, I thought there was no way it could be my fault, but she got incredibly angry.
She said ‘What is wrong with you?’ to me. I tried to defuse the situation by saying ‘oh sorry’ to which she responded ‘Why wouldn’t you wake someone up like that? I was literally on your shoulder.’
At this point, the surrounding people on the train were more or less just looking on. Call it the bystander effect but nobody said a thing when she called me several nasty choice words, including insulting my weight, and then hugged her bag and leaned over to the other side.
When she stood up to get off the train before her station, which coincidentally was the same as mine, she demanded I apologize. I did, and then overshot my station by one so I wouldn’t have to deal with getting off at the same stop as her.
I’ve been incredibly depressed about this all week. I already have crushingly low self-confidence, but at the very least I have never been labeled a creep.
I haven’t told my wife (and clearly not my children) about this because I’m afraid they’ll judge me for it too. I just want some outside perspective here.”
Another User Comments:
“THE AUDACITY OF THIS WOMAN!!!
You did the KINDEST thing ever to allow her to use you as a pillow for a short while.
She was embarrassed that she fell asleep on you and instead of apologizing for it she made it seem like IT WAS YOUR FAULT FOR LETTING HER SLEEP ON YOU?????
I’m so sorry that this woman’s actions and the lack thereof from bystanders have made you feel this way but understand that you did NOTHING wrong. Giving the bystanders the benefit of the doubt they either didn’t know what to say or just didn’t want to get involved.
I’d say if no one else was vouching for her or giving you dirty looks, they probably thought she was crazy and didn’t want to get involved. I’ve been in awkward situations in public and sometimes you’re just shocked that something so baffling is even happening and by the time you want to say something, it’s too late.
Tell your family. I’m 10000% sure they will not think you are the jerk in this situation. There’s just no way.
If they do then throw the whole family away.
NTJ.” KodokushiGirl
Another User Comments:
“I think it’s rather sweet that you allowed her to sleep comfortably on your shoulder instead of waking her, even if it was because you were too insecure to wake her.
Her behavior is abhorrent, not yours.
She is responsible for her actions, not you. So she’s inconvenienced you by falling asleep and invading the socially acceptable personal space of a stranger, and then demands an apology from the said stranger because she thinks, what exactly? That you broke a social contract by not waking her? No. Just no.
She broke social etiquette, not you.
I think she was just very embarrassed and lashed out instead of giving you the apology you deserved.
You are NTJ.” itsJussaMe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe even no jerks here.
You were seated reading a book (hello fellow bibliophile!) when she came in, you didn’t sit down next to her. She fell asleep and accidentally landed on your shoulder. I suppose you could have moved your shoulder away, which would have jolted her awake, and you wouldn’t have touched her (besides with the shoulder that she was already in contact with).
I mean, it could have been pervy if you leaned your head on top of hers or put your arm around her shoulder, but it sounds as if you stayed neutral.
The reason I say that this might be ‘no jerks here’ is because there are genuinely creepy men on the bus. Years ago, I took a travel bus to visit my parents, and the bus was full.
I had to sit next to an older man (definitely not a gentleman). He offered me his shoulder to sleep on. Weird. When I politely declined, he insisted, even going so far as to pull my head down and force it to lie on his shoulder. I got my headphones out, ‘sorry! I can’t, I need to listen to this music for a class while I read this book, sorry…’ I could not move seats because there weren’t any others available and I spent the next 2 hours trying to get as far away from him as a could while staying in my seat.
She may have had genuinely rude or pervy or gross experiences in the past. I don’t blame her for being freaked out.
Whatever the case was, you were definitely not the jerk.” NotSoAverage_sister
She should've apologized and walked away, none of that name calling BS.
1. WIBTJ If I Gave My Family Self-Help Books For Christmas?
“This what my (25F) husband (24M) wants to do for Christmas this year.
Instead of getting his siblings materialistic, shallow gifts this year for Christmas, my husband wants to get his siblings (27F, 29F, 21M) books to help them better themselves. He said he would pick each book for each sibling based on what he thinks they need and write a letter explaining his (good) intentions for the gift because he genuinely wants them to identify flaws within themselves and become better, happier people.
Would he be the jerk if he did this?
Edit: None of his siblings (that I know of) have ever expressed or discussed any flaws they are working on/want to work on.
Also, he hasn’t said exactly what the books would be on but I’m going to assume they are deeper issues. One of his sisters is very stubborn and has pretty bad communication skills, when she’s mad she just cuts a person off until both have forgotten about it and it just blows over.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Who does he think he is to determine what are the other’s flaws they need to work on? Your husband should search for a self-help book himself – which is honestly the whole concept. The person searches for it, it is not a slap in the face done by someone you love. Also, how funny… He doesn’t want to give ‘shallow, materialistic gifts’ but these books are literally the peak of capitalism, serving as a palliative for a system that doesn’t ensure quality mental health for everyone.” SophyTin
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – this all depends on his family and if he thinks this will be taken well. If they are the kind of people who would appreciate this, then that could be a good gift, but I could also see how this could be considered insulting. Are they the type of people who enjoy self-help books or have expressed an interest in improving in an area?
For example, if his brother has talked about how he wants to develop better habits or get better with time management and even expressed that he’s open to advise, then that would be a great gift. But if he got his brother a book about exercise or getting healthier, for instance, and the brother never expressed an interest in this, then that would easily be taken offensively.
If they haven’t already identified these flaws in themselves, then that’s a little risky.
Ultimately, only he can judge this as people here don’t know the siblings of the kinds of books he’s looking to get them.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, look this is a terrible idea. The best-case scenario for giving someone something they have no interest in is they toss it in a drawer to gather dust and feel like no thought was put into it.
However, this is most likely to end far worse. Letters or not this is almost certainly going to be taken as an insult. They didn’t ask him how they could improve, this isn’t an ‘I don’t know what I’m doing wrong to cause X’ scenario. This is him flat out giving them a ‘gift’ and a letter stating ‘This is what I think is wrong with you, please fix it.’ There is no good intention in trying to micromanage someone’s personality.
Either accept them as they are or choose not to deal with them.” StrykerC13
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