People Are Eager To Ask Who's Guilty In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Going To My Son's Basketball Games?
“My (38f) ex (40m) and I have 1 son (12). I have primary custody while my ex gets him 2 overnights a month. My son plays sports.
We are in basketball season. My ex texted asking me if I could skip a few games.
Keep in mind this guy barely goes… he didn’t go for about 3 years. I asked why. He said that his partner (of 4 months) is not comfortable because I am always there. She says she feels like she can’t make friends because everyone talks to me.
I said I won’t miss games. That her not being comfortable is not my problem. I was called jealous and an old hag. We have been divorced for 8 years.
I have gotten texts that I should consider her feelings.
I was told I was a jerk because my ex and she have a right to go.
I would never tell her not to go. My son likes her.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she might have a hard time but she should be glad you’re wanting to be so involved. I know so many people who would beg for one of their divorced parents to show an interest and it broke my heart.
The child’s feelings need to come first. Assuming you weren’t abusive, she needs to put it aside. The transition is rough but it’s better to get it started. The kid will remember how much his parents loved him and supported him, putting certain qualms aside.” Forsaken-Leave5233
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At all. The request is unreasonable. If his partner is uncomfortable, that’s on her, and it was silly for your ex to think that your staying away would magically cure her discomfort.
Here’s the thing: You may have to kill her with kindness. It’s been 8 years. Greet her warmly when she attends games. Introduce her to a couple of your friends. Buy her a cup of cocoa at a cold game.
Give her a pom-pom with the team colors to wave.
I’m not sure why he thinks you are a jerk, just because you refuse to roll over to make his partner feel ‘comfortable’ – you aren’t telling her not to come.
You aren’t intruding on their ‘rights’. I assume you haven’t started a ‘freeze-out’ campaign amongst your friends to ignore her or belittle her. What, exactly, is she hoping to get out of these games?
Friends? If she’s there to support your son, then all she has to do is come, cheer, clap, and give him a hug afterward. Maybe make an appearance at a post-game party.” Alarming_Paper_8357
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your ex is though. Everyone knows by now that you are divorced, and they know that he has never been there. He doesn’t want you there so he can do the ‘strutting peacock dance’ to all of your old friends and acquaintances.
He wants to show off his new girl and how important he is. If you are there he just looks like a poor excuse for a father who is just pretending to care while showing off his mid-life crisis.” Potential_Instance66
19. AITJ For Saying "No" To My Childhood Bestie?
“I (23f) have been friends with let’s call her ‘Dana’ (25f) for most of my childhood since my mom went out with her uncle. Growing up everything was fine but my mom always favored her over my sister and me and it’s very apparent to everyone except the two of them.
Example: I got grounded for whatever reason and was told I couldn’t go to my high school best friend’s party, ‘Dana’ shows up and asks my mom if we could go to the mall and my mom immediately says yes.
Since we’ve moved out of state Dana has visited us every month for the past 5/6 years. It has only been these past two years that I’ve noticed the pattern and have been really debating my friendship with Dana.
I work the 3rd shift (weekend shift). I go to work at 5:30 am and leave work around 7 pm not getting home until 8/8:30. Dana knows my work schedule and she’ll come to visit on the weekends.
Which is fine no problem. The problem lies when I get off of work and come home and she gets mad because I don’t want to go out and party because I have to get up at 3 am for work the next day and plus I just worked an entire 13+ hours shift. She just complains that I don’t love her and if she had been my high school best friend I would have gone out with no problem.
She complains so much my mom gets involved and both of them are guilt-tripping me and the next thing I know I’m out and don’t get home until midnight. I’ve tried to make suggestions but she refuses to work with me.
Now, this weekend I told my mom I’ll see her on Tuesday and won’t be coming over this weekend. Then today my sister calls me at work and I don’t answer. I call her back 3 times and get no response and now I’m panicking so I call my mom and she tells me everything is fine and that my sister was just calling to see when I was dropping by my mom’s house too because Dana wants to see me.
I freaked out and I specifically tell them not to call me because I can get in trouble for having my phone out on the floor and to only call if it was an emergency.
I also tell her that I will not be stopping by and that if she would like to see me then she is more than welcome to come by my house when I get off work and as long as she calls first.
A few hours later I get a text from Dana saying she didn’t want to come to my house because she feels uncomfortable around my fiance. And I’m being selfish and a bad friend for not coming to my mom’s house.
I replied back that I’m working a 13+hour shift, I’m tired, and just want to go home after work, and that I’d tried multiple times to actually spend time with her and she doesn’t appreciate it.
I also told her I’m tired of her gaslighting and manipulating me when I tell her no. She has now gotten my mom involved and they are both calling for an apology from me and saying I’m selfish.
So AITJ for standing my ground?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Establish the boundaries you are comfortable with. People like Dana and your mom, won’t like this as it interferes with the way things are (which benefits them), but that doesn’t need to be your problem.
Relationships should be about giving and taking, not all give/not all take. If they can’t respect you or your time, you shouldn’t have to concede and give in to their demands, quite the opposite.” hdkb824
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your friend and family have done a lot of boundary crossing. And getting your family to gang up on you and guilt trip is really manipulative.
The first boundary you need to enforce is with your family.
They need to understand that your friendship between you and Dana is private and you don’t appreciate them ganging up on you whenever you and Dana have a disagreement. If they continue that, you’ll need to cut them off.
Then go deal with Dana. If you don’t do the family first anything you say to Dana is going to result in them ganging up on you again.” EmmetWeasel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Toxic friendship and entitle brat (Dana).
It’s weird the behavior of your mom. I always heard of loving one child more than the other, but a friend? That is weird and suspicious. If your mom loves her that much, then she can party the entire weekend.
Take a rest and sleep, you deserve it. Dana doesn’t pay your bills, so she can leave you alone.” User
18. AITJ For Looking Out For My Friends?
“My friends were at a party and were gambling (we are all under 18).
I have ADHD and anxiety and have been trying to work on getting the things it causes to not happen often.
I argued to them that I’m worried about them developing a gambling addiction since we are pretty young and it can cause some stuff to happen later in life.
They argued that I’m being a witch and I’m not being worried for them and caring for them because I did research, and I only pulled out resources because I wanted to prove my point.
They complained about how I always make small things into big things, and I used my ADHD and anxiety as an excuse, which is not okay, but I make dumb decisions when I am freaking out.
Am I in the wrong, and what should I do?
Edit: They were gambling like $50-ish so not that much, but they had gambled before on multiple occasions and they said they would continue gambling in the future.
But they had gambled more and more in between gambling on an upward pattern.”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. I understand your concern, and I have experienced first-hand how anxiety makes you fixate on a negative thing and snowball it into the worst-case scenario.
There’s nothing wrong with voicing a concern if there’s any red flag causing you specifically to worry, but you can’t control other people’s actions.
Imagine you were eating a bar of chocolate and someone started telling you that they worried you’d end up with diabetes or morbidly obese, then when you dismissed it, doubled down with a bunch of research they’d done.
You were just enjoying your day and then someone else put a huge downer on it with no real reason.
The most important thing I’ve had to learn to manage my anxiety is that although my feelings are real and valid, it doesn’t mean that the threat they’re responding to is real. It’s really important to be able to remind yourself of this sometimes.” Cha_r_ley
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for trying to look out for them, but… at this point, I don’t think it was necessary. A lot of people do stuff they aren’t supposed to do at under 18 and it doesn’t become a problem.
You have to see what happens I know it’s a sucky answer, but with gambling, other than telling them ‘you’re underage’ that’s about the only thing you can do. Just watch.” korli74
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Don’t use your mental illnesses to excuse your behavior. Don’t try to badger and bully your friends into giving up gambling when there aren’t any signs of it being an addiction.
Plenty of people gamble without being addicted, the same way plenty of people drink without being heavy drinkers.” Padloq
If it about you...say FISH. F..k It, S..t Happens. You can plan ahead, have an idea how you will handle whatever happens
If it about someone else (like in this case) phrase is--> "Not my monkeys, not my circus, not my problem." You told your concerns, now sit back and watch what happens. Later, if [thats a BIG "IF"] someone gets addicted, you say "i told you so"
17. AITJ For Leaving A New Year's Eve Party?
“I (M), my best friend, and her friends (females) celebrated New Year’s Eve together with typical drinking games and such.
It was really fun at the start, when my best friend’s (BF) friends left for a smoke she told me that one of the girls liked me, I was positively surprised since I was single and thought it was nice and worth trying.
Later on, in a game of truth or dare, I was dared to make out with said girl. We both enjoyed it and I felt something about her and after that, we started chatting more to get to know each other better.
After the countdown, I got the cold shoulder from that girl and I asked BF what was up and she secretly told me that the girl I made out with was in a relationship and ‘she just wanted to have some fun’.
I was mad for being played and because that girl planned it while being sober before coming to the party. I called a taxi and went home without a word.
BF and her friends told me that I’m the jerk for ruining the party for leaving over a ‘stupid decision that she made’.
I don’t feel like I did anything wrong due to that I had no clue she was with someone and that I got emotionally played.
The girl eventually texted me with an apology but I didn’t respond yet.
AITJ for leaving and destroying the party mood because I got played with my emotions?
Update: I talked with BF and I found out that she thought that the girl had broken up with her partner due to their last fight and if she would’ve known the truth she wouldn’t have told me anything.
About the girl, I told her partner what happened with screenshots of our chat but he didn’t believe me although I got called a jerk by the girl and her friend (not BF) for telling him everything just as a lot of you suggested.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ OP, your so-called best friend knew what was going on as that was ‘her’ friend so there’s no way that your best friend didn’t know that girl was in a relationship.
She and that girl along with the other girls there all emotionally manipulated you into thinking that she was single because they all knew there was no way you’d have followed through with that kiss dare if you knew she was already taken.
That girl is an absolute JERK for being unfaithful to her partner and using your emotions to play you. Your friend is an even bigger JERK for not only allowing it to go on but playing a big active part in it!
OP personally I’d try and find who that girl’s partner is and stir up some drama by exposing the little liar (I want to call her a few other names she deserves to be called), and then I’d cut ties with your so-called ‘best friend.’ You deserve friends who aren’t going to emotionally hurt you like that OP!” desolation29
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just because you’re a dude doesn’t mean it’s open season to dump on your feelings. Other people have suggested that BF is a jerk, and I agree. Also agree with letting smoochy’s man know about who he’s dealing with.
She’s got a cruel streak, and he should know that because it’s not alright to dump on his feelings either.” HairicAarder
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, what your BF did was cruel I would go no contact and block them on everything no one needs friends like that and as far as the apology just ignore it, I’m sure it is meaningless, and she is just trying to protect herself from you exposing her to her partner.
Only you can decide to expose her for what she did. If I was lied to like that I would want to know.” pnwcatman420
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Drive My Car?
“I (17 F) am incredibly afraid of the car my parents bought me. I cry almost every time I drive it because I am scared and have a major anxiety disorder.
The car in question is a 2011 Kia Optima bought about three months ago. Before this, I had a 2007 Hyundai sonata which I had for nine months before it had a mechanical failure. (The car was totaled and scrapped after that.) Regardless of what my mom (50 F) and my Stepdad (50 M) say to reassure me, I am terrified to drive my car.
(this is the part I may be the jerk) I had no choice in what car I got, even though the deal was that I would pay them back monthly, for about the next four years about $100 a month.
(I wanted a cheaper car from a different brand, a more reliable brand, with better safety scores that’s been used in my family quite often, like a Honda which my mom’s owned since I was born, or a Toyota, or Subaru, a brand that I knew and trusted well.)
The deal was that I would pay half over the course of time, my biological dad would pay half of the other half, and my mother and stepfather would pay the other half of half.
I have a job, I work about 20 hours a week, and I don’t make very much money. I tried to convince them out of buying me the car, continuing to look bringing them 37 options in one day one time, but they were dead set on this car.
I even made a slideshow presentation on why it was a bad option, just based on mechanical and recalls and engine problems it had in the past. I spent hours and hours researching cars.
Some of my friends, who are car people, even helped me do the research, at one time we had four heads put together trying to find a car.
The problems with the car started immediately.
Every time I would drive to work (19 minutes) the car would smell like it was on fire, or burning. I played it off since it’s a big parking lot I figured it wasn’t my car.
My mother re-taught me how to check the oil, and it burns oil constantly, I have spent easily over $40 in oil within the first three months. That might not seem like a lot, but that’s just jugs of oil not even including oil changes.
On top of that Kia has been issuing recalls on some of their older cars, which I have been checking religiously daily, sometimes twice a day. The car sometimes even smokes after just a few minutes of driving.
Every time I tell my mother or stepfather they ignore me and tell me it’s fine, or just an older car thing, or it’s the oil. I’m fine driving most other cars, but I can’t seem to drive my own.
I’ve brought up my concerns with my mother and stepdad about how I dislike the car, and how it makes me anxious on the advice of my therapist. They tell me I’m being oversensitive, or that all cars do that.
Am I the jerk for not liking my car?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if it was just you had anxiety then I would suggest booking lessons and taking time to build up to driving again.
It’s not that though so speak to your bio dad and say to him this isn’t the car I want I won’t drive it it’s not safe. Next who’s on the car title?
If you sell the car, if not stop paying for the car immediately and make other arrangements. I don’t know why your mum/stepfather chose this car but you need to be firm it’s not the car for you and just don’t drive it.” Agreeable_Reaction29
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – buying a car right now is tough, and the market is really tight, which makes a lot of the best cars super unaffordable. That might have gone into your family’s decision calculus.
I recently had to replace a Hyundai too – it was painful to see the values skyrocket. And Honda/Toyota/Subaru are super pricey right now. For context, my dealer-purchased 2011 Rav4 APPRECIATED a couple of grand in value from a year ago due to the market (and the 2020 market sucked too so…)
I get the anxiety – I felt the same way after an accident myself. And I also hyper-fixated on car safety when looking for my next. But in all my research and everything, what I found is that every car has the potential for problems. I had a 2002 Toyota that burned oil worse than that.
A perfectly safe car otherwise, just a pain to keep an eye on. But it does leave the engine compartment smelling smoky. And if you try to eyeball pouring oil in the compartment and dump it everywhere on the engine, that will contribute a lot to the smell.
The best thing to do, in my opinion, is to focus on keeping your car regularly maintained – including tires, brakes, oil changes, and any other recommended service. Any car can get screwed up at any moment, and some are more likely than others to do so, but a good set of brakes and tires will save you 9 times out of 10.
Gain confidence driving in the daylight on familiar roads. Get a good feel for your car and then you’ll know if things change. Get an independent mechanic you trust.
For what it’s worth, I have some family who could buy any car and keep buying Kias over and over.
They love their reliability and crash ratings for the money. There are a lot worse cars out there.” Discount_Maleficent
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I must say… you’re a very intelligent young lady, doing your proper research to find a reliable and safe car.
The brands you named are very good quality and do have fewer problems overall. I’m a Honda person myself and I’ve never been happier with the low cost of maintenance over the years.
It’s just sad that your parents are ignoring perfectly logical information that you’re giving them just because they want to be right in the situation.
Be proud of yourself for gaining more knowledge than they have when it comes to purchasing a ‘good car’. That kind of knowledge is priceless and will do you well in the future.
Unfortunately, until you’re 18, moved out, or can convince your parents to trade in that car for something better, you’ll just have to deal with this awful car.
You also have to remember that not many young people have the privilege of having their parents help to buy them a car to start with so you’re ahead of the game that way.
You’re allowed to be begrudgingly grateful though.” OffMyRocker2016
15. AITJ For Saying "No" To My Ex?
“I’ve (30m) known my ex (29f) for about 12 years now, and for the most part, I’ve severed ties with her. However, we do have two children (9m and 10f) together. She also has five other children, 11f being the oldest and the rest being younger than my son.
The reason I even mention the children is that she has it in her head that I should do whatever she wants because I’ve helped raise all of the children, it’s fact that only 2 are biologically mine.
For example, she thinks I should live with her, basically as a live-in babysitter, while she goes and does her own thing, sees whoever she wants, etc, and wants to say I can do the same.
While that may sound okay on paper, she’s a toxic person, she lies constantly, tries to gaslight me and others, is manipulative, and generally believes that her way and opinion are the only correct way to do things and think.
Some examples are when we were together she would constantly be caught lying to me and try to make me question my sanity, she was caught fooling around red-handed, and tried to say I was just seeing things, etc. When it comes to the children I was always the one responsible for changing diapers, giving baths, and the works, and she’s downright mean to my son saying it’s because he acts like me.
Her favorite thing since I’ve started telling her no, and refusing to help her financially, or send the children to her, (I’ve got custody of my two) is trying to tell me how much I don’t care about the other children, or that if I had ever cared about her or them I’d just swallow my pride and put my mental well being aside and do what she says is best for everyone.
I don’t want to be around her, the children don’t want to be around her, and it’s always a negative toxic environment whenever we are. I tried for probably 7 years to make something work out but nothing changes, she’ll act better long enough to get funds from me, or get her rent, etc paid, and then it’s back to the same behavior.
So am I the jerk for telling her no, not doing what she wants, keeping the kids out of that toxic situation, and moving on with my life?”
Another User Comments:
“So basically she wants a free father/manny to raise her children, under her roof, without any of the responsibilities or obligations to you that she would have as your partner.
AND she wants to be ‘in charge’ of you whilst you do it.
Her entitlement would honestly be funny if it weren’t so horrifying. Of course, you’re NTJ.
As others have noted, I have sympathy for her other children, but she’s not even asking you just to be a father figure in their lives.
She is asking you to let her continue to manipulate and control you for YEARS to come, despite the fact that clearly ‘what she thinks is best’ tends to be the best thing only for HER.
Nope. Keep your distance. You have custody of your kids, which is great. Make a life with them and don’t look back. You owe her nothing, and as sad as it is, there is really no space or way here to have a healthy relationship with her other kids, because she’s always going to interfere.
You’re best to just stay away.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… not even a sliver. This is when you double down for the sanity and safety of your two children and yourself. Her behavior and requests are outrageous and since she has leveraged you in the past her behavior will continue and escalate unless clear boundaries are set and adhered to.
Revisit your parenting plan and go by the book. Only communicate about your 2 bio children via email so everything is documented, tell her there will be no phone communication… create other boundaries that will grant all of you peace.
File a restraining order if her actions warrant it. Your obligation is to your bio children and if you are depleted emotionally, financially, and physically you will not be able to care for them.
She has taken enough. Make 2022 the time to create positive lasting change. BEST to you.” DesertSong-LaLa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ; you are not obligated to take care of the children she had with other partners.
If anything, she needs to go to her other former partners and ask them to help with their children. However, I do understand that this is a more delicate situation as there are other children involved. So I guess the question that needs to be answered is whether or not your parental relationship with your children’s half-siblings is strong enough to continue to deal with her toxic behavior, and keep in mind that dealing with her toxic behavior doesn’t mean giving in to her toxic behavior.
You are well within your rights to set and enforce boundaries.” trainmobile
14. AITJ For Telling My Mother-In-Law That My Father-In-Law Is Coming?
“I am married to a guy whose parents have been divorced and remarried to other people for about 30 years. Nonetheless, they have a complicated relationship. My mother-in-law (MIL) is a heavy drinker married to a guy who stays out of all this stuff and my father-in-law (FIL) is a philandering liar who has some other unacknowledged children, married to a vindictive woman (stepmother-in-law = SMIL) who is usually angry at my husband and me for some petty reason or another.
Highlights of this relationship:
At one point they interacted a lot because FIL reneged on his college child support agreement. At around the same time, FIL was secretly going out with a mutual friend of theirs, for whom MIL had agreed to be a surrogate.
But when she discovered the relationship, she broke off the agreement and demanded that FIL pay up. To my knowledge he never has. SMIL has insisted on several occasions that they refuse to attend events at which MIL will be.
And on, and on. Generally, MIL is much more supportive, but she has bad judgment, and FIL and SMIL are actively toxic and do things like cause drama if they have to tolerate MIL or the aunts, so we tend to minimize interaction with them.
So now we’ve been married for a long time and we see neither of them super often. We’ve been to visit each once since 2020, and they’ve come to visit us once.
My husband is having minor surgery on a week when I have a business trip.
Both parents have expressed a desire to visit and help out, which would be great. I was told that one was coming after the surgery and one before. SMIL is staying home.
So, I happened to be on the phone with MIL.
She said she wants to come, and I said basically that’ll be a great help – I hear you’re coming on x date. She says ‘oh, I haven’t booked yet.’ I said ‘great, but the date you put forward will work wonderfully.
The week before we have FIL.’ And, also, we only have one guest bed. We really can’t put up both of them simultaneously unless one sleeps on the couch, which I hate the idea of.
She then got on the phone with my husband and told him she’ll plan to come to overlap a few days with FIL. My husband told her he thinks that was a terrible idea, and please come on the day they discussed. However, when they hung up she made some comment about how nice it would be to see FIL again and that she’ll work it out.
Since that conversation, my husband and I have had multiple conversations about how he wishes I had not told her about FIL coming. He acknowledges that their relationship is a mess, but there’s a strong possibility that she’ll just call FIL and try to work it out and they’ll both cancel and he wishes I’d just not told MIL enough to start that situation in motion.
AITJ because I told MIL that FIL is coming?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He WISHES you hadn’t told her? Well, okay. That is hardly constructive. The point is ‘what do you do now?’ I would advise making other arrangements for someone to care for your husband.
You obviously can’t rely on MIL or FIL.” User
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, you probably didn’t need to share that info, but it’s also best to let your husband coordinate his care and give out the information, as he best knows how to deal with the two and what information is pertinent.
Let your husband handle this in the future.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The situation sucks. His parents suck. And I would bet he is annoyed at them in a way that is compounded by years of this crap.
You are not a jerk but you might be caught in the crossfire. Let it go. Hope his surgery goes well and your trip.” Efficient-Cupcake247
13. AITJ For Telling My Sister That Our Father Doesn't Care About Us?
“I am 15f and I have two siblings 13m and 8f.
In April of 2020, our mom passed away. Our dad who already drank a lot just started to drink more. He never did anything wrong to us but he was super neglectful.
There were times he would forget to go shopping or he’d lose his job because he was always late for work. In November 2020 he forgot about dinner being in the oven and ended up causing a kitchen fire which caused us to be evicted because the apartment was no longer livable.
I told my friend what was going on and she then told our teacher/her parents (I’m not sure I’m going to forgive her for that one).
In December of 2020 we were taken from our dad and now live with our grandparents.
Dad promised he would get us back but we haven’t even seen him since that day.
My brother and I have accepted this but my sister will not stop moping around. She will cry herself to sleep just wanting dad or she will just talk about how he’s going to come one day and take us with him and stuff like that.
We share a room so I can’t even get a break when she’s like this.
So last night she just kept saying that dad was going to come and going on and on about it.
I snapped and told her that dad wasn’t a knight in shining armor. He doesn’t care about us just cares about his next bottle of booze. She started crying and ran off to grandma and gramps.
I don’t think I was wrong because she needs to know the truth but gramps says it was a bit of a jerk move. So am I the jerk?
Edit to add; apologized to sis.
Not for the words said but for saying them in the first place if that makes sense. We made up and even painted some together.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I can’t in good conscience call a 15-year-old processing a traumatic situation a jerk.
But I’ll break some things down for you.
Your friend was not wrong for alerting people to your situation. Holding a grudge against someone caring for you is wrong.
Your sister is not wrong for processing things in her own way.
She’s 8. Of course, she wants to believe in the happy ending. It’s not that she doesn’t know the truth. I promise you she does. It’s that she’s not yet capable of facing the truth.
Trying to force her to be in the same emotional and mental place as you is wrong.
Your dad letting his own demons become more important than his responsibilities to his kids is wrong.
And I honestly hope he realizes it and gets the appropriate help before it’s too late.
Therapy. Therapy all around.” BroadElderberry
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. As someone who comes from a divorced family of heavy drinkers, everyone deals with it differently.
I was also the eldest child in this situation, so I understand where you’re coming from. You have seen more, and you understand more, but she’s only 8. I would also get frustrated with my siblings when they couldn’t fully understand what was going on, and they would think everything would magically be OK one day, and everyone would be one big happy family together.
You’re not a jerk for feeling the way you do, and your sister is not a jerk for expressing her hopes for her family. You maybe could have expressed it to her in a different way, but you’re not a jerk for being frustrated with the whole situation.
She will come to realize it on her own one day when she gets older. My gentle advice for you would be to have empathy for her in your interactions. I know it’s very, very frustrating, and it probably triggers a lot of bad emotions for you when she goes on and on like that.
But she is quite a bit younger than you, and she probably won’t really GET it for some time.
A childhood like this is rough, but try to come at things as a team, you and your siblings.
You will have this shared experience together, good and bad, and you guys should lean on each other. Maybe apologize to your sister for speaking so harshly. You don’t have to apologize for your feelings, those are valid, but I’m sure she’s hurting just as much as you are.
She could probably use a hug from her big sister.” ikoabd
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here; I think that you, your siblings, your father, and your grandparents are going through a really hard time and it’s understandable for you to be angry at the situation you are currently in.
However, when situations like this occur in life it’s best to consider your emotional well-being and the wellbeings of the people around you. Abandonment and neglect are not okay, and your father did a very immature thing in neglecting his responsibilities as an adult, but it is very clear that he has developed the habit of running from his problems when the outcome is uncertain, which is a habit many people struggle with.
I don’t think your father has allowed himself to leave you with your grandparents because he doesn’t care about you and your siblings, but rather because he no longer feels capable of taking care of you and your siblings.
What is important in this situation is to not necessarily be optimistic, but to have hope that things will get better moving forward, even if it is not the best outcome.” trainmobile
12. AITJ For Thinking Of Giving Up On My Mom And Brothers?
“I (24f) am currently living in a house with my mother and two younger brothers (22 & 18).
For the 1st 18 years of my life, my father mistreated us, until my mother kicked him out. Now, I am the only one that has sought out therapy and I’m doing okay mentally. While I’ve advocated for my family to seek out therapy, I don’t push them to go and overall drop the subject.
This has led to my mother being compliant with the lifestyles of my brothers. Both of them have no aspirations to do anything and will play video games all day except for when they go to bed. They seemingly refuse to get a job or even try college and get angry if you mention it to them.
Note our mother pays for literally everything, for which I am so grateful as I’m in college that’s nearby and don’t have enough saved up to move out (though I’m trying). I’ve asked about paying her rent but she hasn’t told me how much each sibling should pay.
My whole family is against how relaxed my mother is about my brothers and tells her but she doesn’t do anything still. Anytime I mention something I’m the bad guy.
Well today I really got over my brothers’ behavior and even told my mom if she doesn’t do something, she can stop paying for me and I’ll move out.
I just can’t handle this toxic environment. The main reason I haven’t left is because of my guilt of leaving her in this hopeless situation. She’s been through so much and I feel, as the oldest, that it’s my job to help her, but it’s hurting me so much.
I’m at the point where I just don’t care about what my brothers do and they can fend for themselves. Does this make me a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is not your responsibility.
She has chosen this path. I know you love her but there is only so much you can do. She has to get to the point where she WANTS to help herself and make different choices.
You also can’t control what your brothers do or don’t do. What good will it do you TO care? They are ALSO not your responsibility.
However, what your mom apparently does not realize is that she is not doing your brothers any favors.
She is enabling them. At some point, they are going to have to fend for themselves. If it is not until after your mother passes, they will probably be so far gone that they will not have a prayer of learning life skills, getting jobs, having real relationships, etc., etc.
I think you have done all you can do. I wish you all the best and am sending you a hug. You certainly deserve it!” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s ok to make decisions that improve your own well-being, even if your mom or brothers might dislike those decisions.
In truth, nothing you do could actually make their situations any worse; it seems like they’re pretty capable of creating problems on their own. Also, there’s nothing you can really do to ‘fix’ anything for them, even though you care about them and would help if you could.
I think you would do well to give yourself some distance from them, including moving out. It sounds like you’re the most responsible of the group, taking the time to understand yourself, and trying to improve.
If/when they’re ready to work on themselves, they will (though that might take years, or maybe never).” kipdingo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stop worrying about your mom and leave for your own sake.
Your brothers are grown men who do nothing because your mom enables them. They take advantage and it’s hard to watch it happening, so for your own sake, get out and live your life.
You’re not responsible for any of them, there is no need for you to feel any guilt because you did not create this situation, your mom did, it’s all on her. You go live your life and let them figure it all out without you because again, they are all adults, and the responsibility for their lives is on them.” LeReineNoir
11. AITJ For Trying To Get A Homeowner To Have A Conversation With Me?
“The company I work for bought a seasonal business in a touristy area.
With it being the first year in an expensive housing market, we (the company) are looking to rent a house rather than buying. I find a house that looks great – it’s nice and in relatively close proximity to the warehouse.
Here’s my communication with the homeowner:
Me – Is this rental still available? My company bought a business in x. With it being a seasonal business would you be open to a 6-7 month rental starting at the end of March through September?
Call if you’d like more info.
HO – we will not be able to wait until March to rent for such a short term, we want at least 1-year term, Best of luck!
Me – When is the unit available?
We could do a 1-year lease if that’s the only option.
HO – Hi our preference is a multi-year, and we are ready to rent immediately, so this may not be a great match at this time, thanks.
Me – Last try – we could do a one year with payment upfront. I’d imagine you would have no problem renting the unit in year two with another tenant.
HO – Hi honestly, we put so much effort into property upkeep between rentals and that’s why we prefer longer-term rentals.
Prepayment which is a great feature is not important to us. Best of luck finding your perfect housing.
Me – I’ll speak to my boss about a multi-year rental. What would the cost/month w/ a 2-year lease
HO – it seems like such a stretch from your original ask, I’m not comfortable extending the lease term at this time.
Me – Are you available for a call at all? This email thread has gotten away from me a bit.
Originally you said you’d like at least a one-year lease – I said great that will work. The response was then that it needs to be two years – now the two-year lease isn’t an option.
My original ask was the ideal situation for my company – that doesn’t necessarily mean that it was the only path we were looking for. My number is x – maybe a call could clear up some hesitation.
HO – I’m sure you will find a better fit for your original needs,
If I am the jerk, or partially the jerk – where was the red flag? His terms seem elusive from the start.
If he was worried about us subleasing the apartment, why would he not ask or call?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. He didn’t get a good vibe from you and passed on your offer.
Homeowners have to be careful and maybe they prefer a local family and just didn’t want to continue the conversation. I’d be annoyed after I said no thanks already.” TemporaryMeringue714
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but give up already.
Many landlords prefer long-term tenants – people who are interested in staying for a length of time measured in decades, not months, or even by the length of a single lease. They could see that you weren’t that renter so they weren’t interested in renting to you, even if you were able to come up to a slightly longer term.” jacquilynne
10. AITJ For Uninviting My Mom From My Wedding Because She Won't Give Me A Good Wedding Gift?
“I am getting married in May to the love of my life. I don’t think my mom is a huge fan, but at least she isn’t one of those crazy moms that try to break us up.
There was one incident between them but beyond that, the relationship has been mutually civil.
I am very lucky that my parents paid for all of my schooling including my master’s. My mom seems to think that is the norm, but I understand most parents can’t do that and I am very fortunate.
My fiancée didn’t have that opportunity and she worked part-time and took out loans. She currently has 80K in student loans but is working her butt off to pay them back. My dad doesn’t think I should marry her while she has them, but I made it very clear that isn’t up for discussion.
My dad is also paying for the wedding. When my sister got married my dad paid for the wedding, and my mom gave her a monetary gift. I don’t want to get into exact numbers but it was extremely generous and probably more than the down payment of a house.
I have another sister who is getting married in September, and I found out that my mom promised her the same amount but not me. I was annoyed because I believed at the time she was doing it.
After all, she dislikes my fiancée.
I confronted her and let her know if she was going to exclude my fiancée or be hurtful just because she doesn’t like her, there will be consequences.
My mom said it wasn’t about not liking her. It was about student loans. My mom explained that both of my BILs have no debt, so the fund was to start a future, but she knows if she gives me the gift it will go to the loan (true) and she feels she shouldn’t be responsible for someone’s else’s kid’s college education.
I tried to explain that paying down that debt ASAP is in the best interest of my future. My mom said that she had thought a lot about it and asked her husband for advice (they both have kids from previous marriages and keep most money separate for estate planning purposes for their kids, so he doesn’t have any vested interest, but he also hates me so go figure that he said no.) My mom said she feels bad but I shouldn’t punish her over a gift. I didn’t say much at the time, but I thought long and hard and decided I don’t want her at the wedding.
She doesn’t like my fiancée. She doesn’t care about my future as much as my sisters. She is playing favorites with her kids. I texted her my decision and she never replied. My sisters now say they aren’t coming to the wedding, and my father is furious and demanding I re-invite her.
My fiancée actually teared up because she feels so supported, and this does hurt but that has to be my priority.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First off… this is some rich people’s nonsense and honestly, screw the money… but…
I know people are saying she’s in the right because she doesn’t want her gift to go toward your fiance’s student debt… but that’s nonsense. If she wasn’t in debt the gift would be an investment in your future as a couple.
Using the gift to pay off that debt is also a 100% investment in your future as a couple because it gives you both a head start going forward. Once you’re married, you’re sharing the debt.
Paying off the debt becomes a familial priority.
If they’re telling you not to get married to your fiance of 5 years who is actively working hard to be financially out of the red… then they’re the ones with the problem.
And it sounds like that problem is some high-nose classism nonsense because y’all are rich and your spouse is poor.
Weddings are about the couple getting married. You don’t need to have anyone there that you don’t want there… especially if they don’t approve of the union.
That’s only adding bad vibes to the whole thing. Your future from this point is going to be with your spouse and not with your parents or your sisters. Sure it’s sad to end your relationship with them, but kids do it all the time.
If they don’t support your marriage and your family life… then they don’t have to be part of it. That’s on them. As long as you and your hard-working soon-to-be wife are willing to carve out your future alone, then screw them.
Make a new life for yourselves and if they want to come around and rebuild the burnt bridges later, then let them make that effort.
That line your mom gave you about how your ‘lives are just going in different directions… but she’ll always love you’ is clear ‘I don’t approve of your choices/relationship’ speak without openly saying it… and she’s CLEARLY playing favorites with your sisters.
Bah… this is all some petty rich people nonsense… just take your Master’s degree and your spouse’s degree and get yourselves some solid careers and enjoy your life together… and screw the money. Make do without it and prove them wrong.” thelastevergreen
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You can invite or disinvite whoever you like for whatever arbitrary reason you chose, but do so knowing that in this case, you have no real argument against everyone thinking you’re wrong.
Yes, paying off the loans is an investment in your future, too. But think of it this way. If your sisters’ marriages collapse, they get a ‘refund’ on that investment (part of a house or equivalent value even if it’s in joint names), with which they can comfortably recover and start again.
What do you get back from the loan repayment if you and your soon-to-be wife split up? It’s still an investment, yes, but it’s an unsecured investment, with a risk of full loss rather than half.
In the event of a split, your partner would get the full benefit of the gift, and you none, as opposed to half and half.
Now, obviously, you’re not going to think you’re going to split up, because you’re getting married, and doing so intending to split would be dumb.
But from the point of view of an investment, you have to accept the inherent risk. And this risk also holds if something terrible happens. Your sisters’ husbands die or become incapacitated, they have that security under them; what do you have if your wife passes or needs full-time care?
And yes, again, that scenario is better without the debt than with it, but most aid would help with debt or current income, but won’t help if you received a large gift and spent it (even if it makes no sense to hold onto it when you have a debt to pay).
There’s a lot of logic in what she’s thinking, none of which is based on liking or disliking your fiancée or playing favorites. Maybe she even intended to hold the gift in trust, in effect, until you cleared under you (or the unthinkable scenarios came about) so you could benefit in the same way without the added risks.
Assuming immediately that it’s punitive is overreacting, and I’m sure your assumption and bias have colored how your fiancee reacted because you seem determined to make every innocuous decision into an attack on her.” GojuSuzi
Another User Comments:
“To be honest, I don’t know. I think your parents are jerks. They’re sending the message that since your fiance is ‘poor,’ she’s not considered part of the family.
They seem to be ignorant of the fact that most Americans have thousands in debt for school or anything else really. What I’m conflicted about is whether or not you’re coming across as entitled. Do you know what wedding present your mother is giving you?
Is it less money or a house or something?
It feels like she’s sending a signal that basically means she doesn’t support y’all’s relationship and wants it to end because it is ‘financially shaky.’ If she really loved you and welcomed your fiancee it feels like funding for her loans would be an amazing way to show love and support, but instead, there’s something else.
What is that other thing?
I’m unsure what communications should happen after this. Maybe saying you feel disowned and rejected because of your choice of partner, and stating that you perceive bitterness and spite coming from the stepdad (why hasn’t he been uninvited?) Otherwise, I don’t know what to do.
I’ll hesitantly say NTJ based on what I’ve read just now. Could change based on answered questions.” angstyart
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Neither you nor your mother comes out very well here.
Your mother. Giving large monetary gifts to your sisters but not to you is certainly her right. But doing so is also a pretty clear case of playing favorites, and a good way to build resentment between her offspring.
She should not be surprised that you are hurt by the decision. She also shouldn’t be surprised at a certain level of coldness from you in the wake of that decision.
You. If your mother is playing favorites, you’re certainly entitled to feel hurt.
However, your behavior here comes across as entitled. Rather than let your mother make her decisions (and react to them like an adult would), you instead demanded that she send you funds. And now that you didn’t get your way, you tried to hurt her by disinviting her from the wedding.
I know you feel like you’re being righteous. But really, you’re just being petulant.” User
9. AITJ For Walking Out On Lunch With My In-Laws?
“My fiance Scott (27M) and I (25F) got invited out to lunch by his twin brother David (27M) and David’s wife Tracy (30F) at the last minute yesterday. The conversation was normal for the most part and we usually somewhat get along.
At some point, Tracy brings up that an old friend of hers and Scott’s had just lost his wife and he was so young to be going through that. I kept quiet because I lost my late fiance Thomas at 22.
She noticed and said ‘oh yeah well I guess you kinda get it’, to which I said, ‘yeah it’s very difficult to go through that kind of loss and we didn’t even have kids (friend has three) so I can’t imagine how hard that must be for him’.
The conversation started going in a different direction and I thought that was it until David tried to show me a meme on his phone when a text from Tracy popped up saying ‘YOU’RE NOT A WIDOW OMG’ at which point I just went silent again for a few seconds then looked at Tracy and just said, ‘Really?’ (For context I was in a relationship with Thomas for seven years, we went through a lot together including homelessness.
We were engaged and planning to get married after college. He passed away when his mental illness got the best of him and it truly was the hardest time of my life. There is no word to define my standing with him when he died so I often use widow because it’s the closest label.
BUT I DIDN’T THAT DAY. I told Scott from day one that it’s always going to be a part of me but I loved him and as long as there was communication and respect, we could make this work.) She looked down at her phone and just said ‘sorry’ to which I just grabbed my bags and left.
Here’s where I may be the jerk, on the way out I said ‘tell that to the urn in my living room’. And a few minutes later I returned to pay my bill and then try and see if my fiancé was riding with me or them.
(I don’t blame him for this, he was waiting on food and his bill) and she yelled across the restaurant ‘please don’t do this’ and I said, ‘Tracy you did this’ and left. Later that night Scott showed me messages from David that said my talking about Thomas at all invalidates my relationship with Scott and that neither I nor Tracy handled the situation well.
Scott assures me that he wants me here and that we’re okay, even promising I never have to interact with his family again but I don’t know if I’m being fair to him.
AITJ? I think I may have overreacted but at the time I just couldn’t think about staying.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were with Tom for nearly a decade. His memory is going to be with you.
It’s going to impact you. You never had a piece of paper that says ‘we’re married’, but that really shouldn’t matter. You were as together as you could be and operated on your own beliefs about when to marry, what to do, etc.
Scott supports you, and that is what I think matters most.” ArchyDWolf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have a unique perspective on this. I am a young widow, with an urn (my late husband), and a current partner.
We live together, and talking about marriage is a matter of when, not if. For all intents and purposes, we’re engaged.
What you went through is unbearable. Unless someone went through what we did as young as we did (age doesn’t matter when it comes to losing a spouse or fiancé) then they’re the ones that look like a fool when making jokes about it.
They look stupid.
Just because you lost someone you love doesn’t mean the love goes away. If anything, meeting your now-fiancé only shows that your heart made room for more love. While the love from your first fiancé is still there, it neither disappears nor takes over the love with your current fiancé, but makes room for it.
That’s growing. That’s not forgetting what you had, but adding to what you have to give.
Listen to your fiancé when he tells you that y’all are okay. He knows your history.
He knows what things mean to you, and he knows that he’s your future. He also knows how big of a jerk his SIL is because she was just downright nasty.” HolyUnicornBatman
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
A widow or not, the person you had loved and planned to spend the rest of your life with passed away. There is no place for judgment. Tracey however is the jerk and though I don’t know if she’s ever lost someone close to her (probably not) she needs to learn to have respect for loss.
Scott is also a bit of a jerk for not standing up for you at that moment because plain and simple Tracey showed a complete lack of respect for you.
I don’t believe you overreacted in the slightest.” mcsurfyfly
8. AITJ For Wanting To Have My Friend's Gift Card?
“My friend won a gift card for a bike shop after his receipt at the grocery store was selected for a prize. The thing is he doesn’t own a bike and he has stated that he does not intend to use it.
The gift card is $50 and expires in a week.
I have a bike and would like to buy a new helmet. I have told him this. I asked him if he could give me the gift card since he doesn’t want to use it.
He said no, it’s in his house somewhere and he can’t be bothered to get it. Okay then I’ll help you find it, I’ll pay 20 bucks for it. He said it’s not about that and he’d give it for free, but he just can’t be bothered to get it from his house.
But this shouldn’t be a problem as I’m not telling you to go back home and get it for me now, the card expires in a week so you can bring it to me next week.
And he said nah he can’t be bothered.
Like what??? That’s absolutely absurd. I told him he was being unreasonable because if it’s not about the money, and he doesn’t want to use it, and it’s in his house then why can’t you be bothered?
Then he started acting like I’m making a big deal and laughed at me.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. No is a complete sentence and he doesn’t have to give you the card if he doesn’t want to, regardless of the reason.
You weren’t a jerk for asking (though you should have offered more than $20) but once you kept pushing and insisting… yeah, I wouldn’t give it to you either even if I had the thing on me.” Kayhowardhlots
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You aren’t entitled to his gift card, he doesn’t owe you anything, yadda yadda yadda. But I can’t imagine just letting a gift card expire when I know my friend could use it.
Seems like a jerk thing to do, to be honest.
He’s within his rights, but he’s kind of a jerk about it.” LSTFND
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, he may not be acting very nice but he has no obligation to do something he clearly does not want to do with his property.
It’s unfortunate that it will be wasted but it’s not your business what he does with his own stuff.” DDNorth20
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. There was nothing wrong with you asking. Your friend can refuse for any reason, but his reason is stupid and you should have stopped asking after you got the first, No. At this point, your friend is probably refusing out of spite.” HowDoesTheKittyCatGo
7. WIBTJ If I Don't Go To A Bachelorette Party?
“One of my best friends since childhood is getting married at the end of this year. She’ll be getting married where we grew up in the southern US.
She asked me to be in her wedding as a bridesmaid, I said yes. I can’t imagine not going to her wedding.
Here’s the dilemma, my husband and I just moved 3,000 miles away, outside the continental US, and it takes an 8-10 hour plane flight to get home.
The wedding is not until the end of the year so I have time to plan to take paid time off, save for the flights, dress, hotel, etc. My husband won’t be going because he doesn’t want to take time off of work and I don’t want to board our dog for almost a week.
I’m fully set on going to her wedding.
Her bachelorette party will be 2-3 months or a month before the wedding. She told me she expects me to be there. Regardless, I’ll have to fly to the bachelorette party if I go, and some of the other women would be flying as well (but none of them a full day of traveling by plane).
I’m not sure it’s feasible for me to fly two times to the continental US in a span of a couple of months. For there and back, the plane ticket will be $500-$600.
Then there’s the shared Airbnb and everything associated with a bachelorette party. And it’s a long freaking plane flight to get there! Of course, I want to go and celebrate her, but I don’t want to go and end up resenting her and myself for spending so much money.
I’m even sure if I can take enough PTO a couple of months apart (new job so I’ll be the lowest on the totem pole). I could make the trip shorter, but it’s two days of traveling.
I don’t want to fly there, spend 2 days there, and fly back.
I can easily see the wedding and the party weekend being expensive. 2 flights ($1000), dress & alterations $100-$150, wedding hotel 2-3 nights ($200ish?), rental car for the wedding ($200?), Bach party Airbnb and festivities(???).
I love her, but I moved really far away and it makes everything harder.
Would I be the jerk for not going to the bachelorette party?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Financial and time constraints are very real things.
If it’s not feasible for you, it just simply isn’t. I’m sure she’d be bummed out, but she expects you to be there?? Not cool. And not a really good friend, honestly, if she doesn’t understand how difficult of a situation she’s trying to put you in.
I think people these days put too much focus on the wedding and not enough on the marriage itself. My husband and I got married in Vegas (10 years ago this year!) with only two of our friends attending that already lived there.
And you know what? I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Nor would I have expected anyone to fly out to be there with us, (for the actual wedding, let alone a bachelorette party a month beforehand) even if I had asked.
Sounds like you’re probably ‘missing out’ on a great deal of bridezilla behavior living in another country anyway.” ikoabd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You offered to stand up with her on the most important day of her life at the considerable expense of leave and money… You are already making enormous sacrifices to be there for her.
Refusing to take more time off work (that could cause you problems at work) and spending more money to go to a party with silly party games are not only not unreasonable it makes complete sense
If your friend can’t understand that even if you could afford this it requires unreasonable sacrifices both in time, holiday, and money that affect the rest of your year and your own relationship then she is not as good a friend to you as you are to her.
A white lie is in order here if you think she has caught ‘BUT IT’S MYYYYY WEDDDING’ and won’t be able to think through the ramifications to you of her request/demand. Tell her work said no. Seriously you asked and they said no. Why?
a) Other people have already booked their leave for that period and there is no availability left, b) there is something happening then at work and it’s all hands to the pump, c) you have already taken leave in that period, d) I didn’t get an answer it was just denied by HR.” Whitestaunton
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Circumstances have changed. You can’t put your life on hold for her wedding. I understand you’re friends, but she should be equally understanding of the new situation. I’d tell her you really can’t afford two trips and you’d prefer to attend the wedding day vs the Bachelorette party.
It’s okay for her response to be disappointed but understanding. It is not okay if she’s angry or makes it an ultimatum. Do what you can afford to do. Don’t do something you’ll later regret.” ubgyaitmfhrnbibya
6. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Be Decent?
“So my partner (20M), L, and I (20F) have been together for 7 months.
We usually eat takeout if we want to get something to eat. However, I recently was promoted so we went to eat at a VERY nice Italian restaurant to celebrate. Like, one with an enforced dress code.
My partner is not the nicest of eaters, which can be kind of gross but I deal with it. However, I didn’t realize he had no table manners. At the restaurant, after we were served our first appetizer, a beautifully plated bruschetta dish, L looked at me and jokingly asked me if I would be upset if he enjoyed his meal the same way he would at home.
I told him that we were at a nice restaurant and there were other customers around.
He didn’t say anything but instead started digging into the bruschetta with his hands, ignoring the serving fork, getting sauce all over his fingers.
I let this go. However, when the pasta came out, he smirked at me and ate like he hadn’t eaten in a week.
He dropped his fork and started picking up pieces of chicken and noodles with his fingers, getting sauce everywhere: the tablecloth, his hands, his clothes, and his face.
He didn’t miss the opportunity to loudly burp after he had finished destroying his side of the table. The table next to us was astonished. My waiter even asked him if he was ok.
Other customers were staring. He also put his feet up on the chair next to us, blocking the aisle.
I had no idea what to do. I didn’t want to make even more of a scene so I just asked for the check (which I paid) and left really embarrassed. On the way home I told him how embarrassed I was and he just said that it was my fault for not letting him enjoy the meal as he pleased and that since we were paying customers the other guests had no business judging us.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he ruined something you wanted to do. You’re both 20, does he wipe his butt well? Or is he only a messy eater? I feel like he might be trying to shoot down your hopes for enjoying yourself and make you feel guilty for wanting the things you do (and pay for).
It will only escalate from here if you don’t nip it in the bud (the behavior) in my opinion. Although, also, in my opinion, you’re not his mom and it’s not your job to teach him how to behave like his own mother should’ve many years ago.
Message his mom for advice detailing everything like you did for us and see what she says or find literally any other adult who would at least feel ashamed of themselves for making such a fool of themselves.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This would be bad enough if he genuinely was not aware of how to behave at the dinner table. But that at least could be chalked up to being raised badly and innocently not knowing better.
At least then he could learn.
But here he absolutely does know better. He outright said he is going to eat like he was at home (and he shouldn’t do this at home either.
This is not home behavior, this is barnyard behavior.) And that smirk says it all. He is fully aware of basic manners and is intentionally choosing to act like an animal instead.
Not only is he a slob, but he also has no respect for you or others.
I’d go so far as to say it’s a power play, that he did it on purpose to spite you and then gaslight you into thinking you’re the one in the wrong for having a problem with it.
Once he can get you worn down to the point he can get away with this, he’ll see what else he can get away with. You’ll wind up scrubbing the skid marks off his briefs when he refuses to wipe.
Don’t settle for this.” Maskydoo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is the human equivalent of a pet looking you in the eye while they pee on your favorite cushion. It’s not a lack of knowledge of how to behave on his part; it was a deliberate act of dominance.
Take this as the warning sign it is; your future successes and happiness will be treated the same way. Don’t waste any more time on this jerk.” involuntary_cynic
5. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Fiancé For Looking Through My Phone?
“I (26) female am in a fight with my fiancé who is (28) male, the reason for the fight?
My fiancé while I was working and checking my social media saw a message from another guy (who I don’t even talk to even on a ‘friend’ or acquaintance level). The message? The guy said I looked pretty on a story that I posted last night.
I handed my phone to my fiancé to show that nothing weird was going on and he stated he wanted to see the message, so I handed him my phone without hesitation.
Now the reason for the fight is that he was taking a long time to review this message but he was actually snooping through all my text messages and asking me ‘who is this and who is that’.
So this is what upset me, he felt the need to verify my messages and he said ‘to make sure no guys are texting me.’ To me this is a backward reason, no one has my number that shouldn’t.
So I told him I think the reason he went through my text messages is to make sure I wasn’t the one texting other people or acknowledging other men. And he denied it saying he trusts me.
So am I the jerk for getting upset? He says he trusts me but the reason I’m so offended is that this is the behavior I displayed when I had suspicions in my last relationship when I had a feeling that I was being lied to.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
So today it was your phone. Tomorrow it will be your computer to look through for any photos. Then it will be a request for passwords to social media accounts, and any other communication application to ensure nothing suspicious there and of course to remove anything he thinks is not appropriate.
Then banking passwords so he can check your charge cards and expenditures to make sure nothing is questionable.
Do I think it will automatically be all of the above? Nope, but it certainly could be as it has happened to others.
Hubs and I have been together for almost 30 years. I know the password for his phone and he has mine. Not once have I ever gone through his messages, email, or photos. The same goes for him regarding mine.
Same for our computers.
Trust is hard to grant especially if there have been issues with others in our past. But in my opinion, if there has been no reason for concern and you still don’t trust your SO then why in the world would you want to marry them?
Seems like you and fiancé need to have a serious conversation about this. You can agree your devices and accounts are private, you can agree to BOTH share your devices and accounts fully with each other, or that you don’t trust each other enough at this moment to move forward with marriage.” 3Heathens_Mom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if he trusted you, why was he checking your messages?
Needing to snoop through messages reeks of insecurity, and I know people hate it when you say this, but I would honestly be questioning my entire relationship at that point.
‘I trust you, I don’t trust other guys!’ Well, Gary, if you trusted me, you would know I would shut down any advances or things that were questionable before anything ever got to that point.
So no, you don’t trust me.
Trust is an integral part of every relationship, and I hate to break it to you, but he doesn’t trust you. And if you don’t have trust in your relationship… what’s the point?” ikoabd
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, yes you gave him access to one conversation and he decided to use the opportunity to snoop but in a healthy relationship, this would have just been a silly moment of ‘ooo this guy likes you too, omg you messaged him back!
Should I be worried?’ That him looking through your messages in front of you felt like an invasion are you really ready to legally tie your life to his?” SnooCookies10
4. AITJ For Being Mad That I'm Not Able To Go On The Beach Trip?
“I (26f) have been with my partner (27m) for 2 years, we are not from the US so he lives with his mother but he is the breadwinner of the house.
Onto the story, his mom has been saying for a month that we were going to the beach tomorrow.. it would be my partner, his mom, his grandma, and me.
But yesterday my partner’s cousin and her partner came from another state in a car that is in certainly bad shape (A 2 hours trip took them 5 hours).
So, now my partner is telling me that there is no space for me to go to the beach (2 hours away in another direction) because the cousin and her partner are also coming and the car is full.
They won’t take their car because obviously, it is not in a good condition.
I’m mad because I feel like I come last after everyone and I was invited already.
AITJ for getting mad that I’m no longer able to go to the beach trip?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Every right to be mad about this. It was rude and hurtful to uninvite you last minute when they opted to take 2 who weren’t invited to go in the first place.
That sucks. But, in my opinion, I would not talk to him until after the trip because then you’ll be in a better headspace and have time to collect your thoughts on what you want to say to him regarding this.
Then, dump him.” Leather-Anybody-5389
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner is a huge jerk. Obviously, his cousin & his wife should chill at home and watch the house while the people who originally planned to go enjoy their trip.
Or else the cousin can arrange for his own alternate transportation.
I would think long and hard about getting more serious with this guy when he straight-up bumps you for a cousin. That right there tells you where you rank in terms of importance to him, and whose company he really cares about having.
Please, run for the hills because it’s unlikely he will suddenly care about you as much as he should.” HamBroth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Please do something you enjoy while they are gone with yourself, friends or family.
And forgive me for suggesting but I would consider going no contact with the guy until he gets back.
You might want to put together a list of the positives and negatives in this relationship and then decide how you want to handle it.
As the guy is apparently supporting his mother and grandmother I don’t see that changing in the future so that means if you were to join that family through marriage you would likely be a priority only after your MIL and grand-MIL.
Not how a good relationship works.” 3Heathens_Mom
3. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Friend For Not Helping Me When I Was Sick?
“I have a friend who is also my coworker that struggles with chronic pain, and is always very vocal about her pain and recently has been very obsessed with setting boundaries and making sure people recognize her ‘invisible’ work.
She’s been through a lot in the last few years, she lost her mother and then lost her brother’s mother as well, in addition to many many surgeries.
I feel really bad and always try to be there for her and check in on how she’s doing.
I’ve given her funds over the years and bought her a laptop even when hers broke and she didn’t have enough funds. She’s never done that for me, or honestly really done much for me when I needed it.
She’s also struggled with a terrible landlord.
I get it that her life has been really hard, and I don’t want to not be a supportive friend – but it feels like all the support is one-directional. She rarely calls me to check in on me, let alone actually try to do things for me when I need help.
It was months of us not talking, and even when we do talk she comes off as passive-aggressive.
Skip to recently when I got sick. She checks in on me to see how I’m doing and I started telling her how anxious I am that I won’t be able to complete the work that I needed to do for an event we had coming up (we work for a nonprofit helping families, not an option to cancel.)
She texted me and said, ‘you can still text people from bed.’ I asked her if she’d be able to reach out to a few people for me and she went off about her pain being too much and how she can’t do anything for me.
I’ve actually only asked her for help once outside of this.
Meanwhile, I’ve seen her bend over backward for other friends while still struggling with the same pain. The way she worded it to me was like a text you send your boss when you refuse to come to work when you’re sick.
I was so hurt because I’m scared of how sick I’d gotten and I am anxious about this event which still needed to happen – and the way she refused to help me and told me that I can still work was just too much.
Like she couldn’t even be bothered to say that it’s okay the work will just have to suffer and it’s not your fault or offer another coworker who could help.
We got into a huge texting fight because I said she was being selfish by not helping me one of the few times I’m sick after everything I’d done for her and that she has just been a bad friend.
Am I the jerk for being angry and lashing out? I am worried that I am just projecting out my own guilt about not being able to complete my work.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
While I feel for your friend because I’m constantly in pain too, that doesn’t mean that she can’t help. Because I’ve gotten so much help from friends and family, once in a while if I’m asked for help, I’ll do it.
I’ve moved whole houses while in a flare-up, I just pay a bit more the next day. It’s worth it… because I know that if I refused to help, the help would stop for me too.
This is what I’m going to suggest you do. Stop helping her. She’s got others she can manipulate into helping her, it’s not your responsibility to do so.” TheOneAndOnlyFen
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It’s one thing to ask a casual friend for help, it’s quite another to expect it of them, and then to get angry when they won’t or can’t give it to you.
It’s even worse when that expectation has to do with what is essentially your work.
What’s next for you? Are you going to get angry at your close friends if they decide not to pay your rent for you, or buy you a new car?
Again, asking is one thing. Demanding it is wrong. It isn’t asking and it isn’t helping if you insist on it. When she turned you down, you should have said thanks, anyway, and left the relationship exactly where it was before you asked.
Still, it must have been eye-opening for her to learn that all your past help for her came with strings attached. Maybe you should have let her know up front that you weren’t offering her charity, and you expected to ‘collect,’ at some point in the future.” TheRealAirbns
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I also have chronic pain due to spinal problems. However, I don’t talk about my problems, especially to other people who are sick. Actually, I don’t bring it up at all unless someone asks me how I’m feeling, and even then I don’t go on and on about it.
Nobody wants to hear somebody talk about how bad they feel all the time.
If a friend needed my help I’d do what I could for them. She’s using her chronic pain as an excuse to not do anything for you.
She isn’t a friend and I’d drop her. If she calls you for more help tell her you’re busy but you hope she feels better soon then end the call.” shlbycindy1
2. AITJ For Giving My Sister-In-Law 30 Days To Move Out?
“I (30f), and my SO (29m), let his sister move in almost 2 years ago when she was pregnant and had nowhere to go.
For a little background, we live on his parents’ property, in their mobile home, with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. We have three kids together, all girls; 9, 7, and 4. His parents have their own house on the same property, and we pay rent and our own bills, including electricity.
My SIL (35f), also has three children, a daughter, 12, and two sons; 6 and 2. She’s an ex-addict, lost custody of her daughter when she was 3 (in-laws have custody), and all of her children have different fathers.
I don’t blame her for it, but it shows that she doesn’t stay with an SO for a long time.
She’s constantly bouncing from relationship to relationship, and when we originally allowed her to move in, she said it was only temporary until she got back on her feet.
It soon became apparent that she wasn’t actively looking for a place to live. When she got a job, we asked her to pay 1/3 of the rent and 1/3rd of the light bill and to help with food as we prepare and feed her kids with our money.
At first, she seemed okay with this, but after three months, she said it wasn’t fair for her to continue to pay for ‘OUR’ rent and electricity… Mind you her kids are living with us, as is she, and she wasn’t looking for a new place to move to.
A little side note, when she is at work, she expects her brother and me to watch her kids for free, but when we ask her to watch our kids when our babysitter can’t, she pitches a fit and tells us it’s not fair and we’re just using her… We have a babysitter during the week when I work… And I’m off weekends when my husband works, so I watch my kids and hers.
She has only paid electricity for 3 months out of the almost 2 years she’s lived with us, and still won’t buy food, but expects us to have food for her and her kids.
My SO and I are very private people.
We don’t like strangers coming to our house, so when she first moved in we told her no guys over and no illegal stuff. She started going out with a new guy about a month before Christmas.
During Christmas, this guy downed 15 99 banana shooters in a 20-minute span because he was ‘uncomfortable’ around my SO and me because we wouldn’t talk to him or acknowledge him… Mind you, we had told my SIL not to bring this guy to our house because this was a family ONLY event and I didn’t want my kids around a guy we don’t know.
My SO lost it, and it turned into a verbal battle between my SO and his sister. We told her on Christmas that she had 30 days from today to find a new place to live and she started sobbing saying she has no budget to move and how could we kick her and her two children out without notice.
My SO’s parents and his other brother are saying I and my SO are the jerks because we know how much my SIL is struggling and how she’s a single mother, and we’re just turning our back on her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – However, you did accept her chaos, being used, and not holding her accountable. Bravo for letting this continue for 2 years. Have a family meeting and make it very clear verbally and in writing what she is expected to do; finances, behavior, cleaning, childcare, etc. State the consequences and follow through.
I highly suggest she meet with a city/county/state case manager who can guide her to secure housing and problem-solve ‘… all the things she cannot do’. I’d make one of the stipulations of being on property: living between both homes on a schedule so everyone is a part of supporting and holding her accountable.
Best to you.” DesertSong-LaLa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Agree with other posters to have SO tell his parents and brother as they feel so strongly about supporting family that they can step in and take in his sister and her kids for the next two years as you are done.
And they can also give her funds to get a new place. It is always amazing how people are willing to tell you how you should continue supporting a deadbeat relative but go radio silent when told they can take them on.
Likely you already did this but be sure to give SO’s sister her eviction notice in writing or whatever is required in your state/area.
As you are renting from SO’s parents any possibility you could move in the near future?
Best of luck as your patience has lasted WAY longer than mine would have.” 3Heathens_Mom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s your house. That’s the end of the story. You are under no obligation to lodge other people.
That you have done so for 2 years makes you a saint, ideally, she would be thankful for all you’ve already done for her instead of blaming you for not doing more.
She’s living like a leech.
You need to get rid of parasites.
‘My SO’s parents and his other brother are saying I and my SO are the jerks.’
If they ever mention something of the sort. Act elated. Thank them.
You’re so glad they’re agreeing to lodge her. What? No, no, only a jerk would turn their back on her and her children. It’s not convenient for them to lodge her? Nonsense, they’ll figure something out.
In fact, you’re calling SIL right now to tell her the good news!” Djorgal
1. AITJ For Telling My Partner Not To Hire My Brother?
“My (23F) brother (22M) graduated college last semester in computer science.
He had had a couple of interviews but hasn’t gotten any offers. I don’t think he is really that good of a worker and isn’t making it through the interview process because it shows.
My partner (41M) came with me to my parents’ house for Christmas dinner and he was talking about how they are having a hard time hiring software programmers right now. He owns a software consulting company.
My brother talked about how hard it is for him to get hired with no experience right now and my partner said that he would be happy to give him a chance.
I told my partner that it was a bad idea to hire my brother because if things don’t work out it’s going to make him coming to my family’s get-togethers awkward and I didn’t think my brother was that good of a worker so it probably wouldn’t work out.
My partner took back his offer the next day and told my brother that I was against mixing business and family. My brother called me really angry and said that he was really excited about the opportunity and that was the perfect chance for him to get experience.
I told him it wasn’t worth the risk to me if he did a bad job because it would make everything awkward.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ here. It’s so hard for recent graduates to get good jobs with no experience in the field they studied. But I want to offer up an idea: paid internship with potential. Your partner needs someone to fill a need within his company, your brother needs the experience to get his feet on the ground.
An unpaid internship is HARD, so offer him a starting rate on a trial run after comparing the average salary of a recent graduate in his field at his experience level. If he does great, then your partner has a position filled and your brother moves onto a full-time position with a better salary.
Worst case scenario, it doesn’t work out, your brother has at least some verifiable experience to work with, and maybe a little awkwardness at family get-togethers. But I can guarantee that little awkwardness is nothing compared to the resentment your brother will hold from here on out.” no_seas_carepicha
Another User Comments:
“Well… your partner really threw you under the bus, didn’t he. Annnnnd now, by telling your brother what he told him – it’s not gonna be awkward at family get-togethers?
Wow, your partner may be older but he really doesn’t know how to manage people.
Get out of the way and let your partner hire your brother. At worst, your brother gets a little experience, another line on his resume, and your partner finds out you were right.
It is already awkward, that ship has sailed off into the sunset.
At best, your brother is employed and your partner has a new worker. Everyone sucks here, except maybe the brother.” LuvMeLongThyme
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – clearly your brother is a hard worker and has some capability and sticking to things since he freaking graduated with a degree in computer science.
The only one making things awkward here is you.
Instead of helping out your brother who is honestly right btw (it’s hard to get jobs out of college), because you think if it doesn’t work out it will make things awkward, you decided to make it awkward and toxic by stopping him from the opportunity, therefore causing a real rift right away.
Also, get off the high horse. You give no evidence that your brother is lazy or unfit for the job, but show you have the maturity of a teenager while going out with a 40 some year old and working at a gym.
I don’t mean that as a personal attack, just as a don’t throw stones kind of deal.” Practical_Pop_4300
