People Ask Us How We Feel About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Telling My Friend To Dump My Cousin?
“I am from a small town, and I think anyone here who has lived in a small town can tell you that going out with people isn’t easy here, you’re either related to the people, have gone out with them already, or are going out with people related to your friends.
I’m a 29-year-old woman from a town like this and my friend who is a 29-year-old man is going out with my 31-year-old cousin and has been for four years.
To hear her go on you’d think she had some timer going down for points in her life, when she decided it was time for them to move in together she pushed despite him being hesitant and when he was reluctant to take that step she told him if they didn’t they’d break up, so he agreed to move in as he loves her.
That was two years ago, and now she has decided it is time for them to get married and proposed to him, he ended up having a panic attack as he doesn’t feel ready for such a step causing her to be offended and make the same ultimatum, marry her or they’ll break up.
In private I tried to tell her that maybe she should give him more time as he’s clearly not ready for marriage if he’s having a panic attack but she insists that at 31 she needs to be married soon if she wants to have children and how she is too old to start looking for another man now so it has to be him.
This set off alarm bells for me as I know for a fact he does not want children ever due to his own childhood with a father who was awful, it left him very scarred on the idea of parenthood.
I tried to explain this to her pointing out how we both know he doesn’t want children, my cousin informed me that all men feel that way and that he’ll change his mind as soon as she is pregnant…
I know my friend, he’ll cave if she puts pressure on him, he is a people pleaser and hates to upset anyone so he’ll marry her, and then when she throws children at him he’ll cave to that too and he’ll be slowly chipped away at bit by bit until he is a shell of himself.
So I spoke to him alone and told him what she’d said and told him I don’t think this relationship is healthy for him and he needs to break up with her if he isn’t sold on being strongarmed into marriage and children.
He broke up with her and she found out I was the one to talk him into it and is blaming me for ruining her life and how it was none of my business and I should have left well enough alone, she even commented that maybe I did this to try and steal him, spoiler alert, I’m a lesbian and live with my girl so yeah no…
other members of the family are angry with me too for doing this too saying if he was unhappy he’d have said something or left her unprompted.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – he couldn’t have left her unprompted because he didn’t have access to the same information. Once he did, he went and broke up with your cousin.
Your cousin sounds controlling and he’s probably better off without her.
But I hope your friend learns in a more compassionate and not coerced way that he can be a great father if he chooses to. Obviously, no duty to have kids if you don’t want them, but it would be sad if that’s the only thing that stops him because he doesn’t see that he is not his father.
I hope he learns that one day and can then make a decision about kids that isn’t overshadowed by his past (and of course that can still be that he doesn’t want them).” Fionsomnia
Another User Comments:
“From the perspective of your cousin 100% YTJ. Surely you can see why she has every right to be furious with you?! The fact you seem to be questioning why she’d think YTJ when you told her partner private things she said and it directly led to their break up is baffling to me.
Whether what you did was the right thing for her partner or not, she still gets to be mad at you.” pearshaped34
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
People keep saying that you shouldn’t have inserted yourself and it was for them to talk it out and he needed to grow a spine and your loyalty should’ve been with her… Screw that noise.
People having lived in toxic relationships sometimes wish that someone would’ve helped them sooner by talking to them or making them realize things. If he disagreed he would have stayed. If he wanted to work things out he would’ve asked or talked to her.
He probably wanted to do this but you gave him the push he needed. And you didn’t owe her keeping these matters private since they involved plans with him without his knowledge.” RishkiBusiness
17. AITJ For "Interrupting" My Dad While He's On The Phone?
“So basically, we were in the parking lot waiting for my mom to buy some food in the store.
It’s been around 15-20 minutes and my dad resorted to spending the time by calling his friend to just talk about stuff. Anyway, before that, he was complaining that my mom was taking a lot of time in the store.
After around 20 minutes of waiting, I tapped my dad and told him that mom might be calling his phone and maybe he should check if mom did call to ask us to pull up to the front of the store already.
He replied by saying that we have our own phones, and would’ve called us instead if his line was busy, then returned to talking to his friend.
He later hung up the call and suddenly scolded me for being rude and interrupting his call.
I was absolutely shocked because I knew that how I talked to him earlier didn’t warrant this reaction from him. Like, according to him, it’s very rude to cut them while talking.
I replied that I didn’t ‘rudely’ cut in but gently tapped his shoulder, and just told him to check his phone for calls. He later resorted to saying I’m still rude, he’s still the father, and he’s always correct.
He even asked me why I was being rude and everything. He applied the current context as to when we’re studying at home, he won’t interrupt us or anything so why would I interrupt him when calling someone?
20 minutes later, mom was already walking towards our car and the moment she got in, she said: ‘I’ve been calling you guys numerous times, but why is no one answering?’ I simply told her that there was no signal on my sim card, and dad (who obviously has a signal cause he was on call), was busy talking to someone.
Dad didn’t say anything (lol) and we just drove. Later when we dropped off our mom somewhere, he reminded me again to not be ‘rude’ and not interrupt him when he’s talking to people (note that they were not talking about adult stuff or anything serious, were just talking about lanes and routes and roads).
I still replied that I did that because the signal of my sim back there was bad, but he wasn’t having any of it and still insisted that I was in the wrong.
I just shut up and was in a bad mood the whole car ride home.
AITJ in this situation for telling him to check his phone even if he was talking to his friend?
EDIT: I forgot to add that before I ‘interrupted’ him, he was already complaining that my mom was taking a long time. This is one of the reasons why I told him to check his phone minutes later.
Perhaps it’s because she was waiting for us to answer her call, and later just gave up.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but apparently your Dad is ready to die on this hill even though your Mum proved you were actually right to tell him what you did.
I think you’ll have to be the bigger person here and just try to forget it and move on.” Eriks-Rose
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He screwed up and is now flailing around looking for someone to blame because he’s too feeble to acknowledge that he got this wrong.
Let him get on with it, OP. You won’t have to put up with his nonsense forever.” CJL2021
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You did the right thing and your dad is too pig-headed to admit it.
Unfortunately, he is not going to change so I would try to treat it like an exercise. Notice when he is the jerk and don’t get sucked into his mind games.
You could even keep a ‘Dad the jerk’ journal and write down all of his nonsense. I wish I had done that with my mom when I was a kid.” MagicianGlum9206
16. AITJ For Wanting To Stay At A Hotel When Visiting My In-Laws?
“My husband and I have been together almost 20 years (in our 40s) and have 2 elementary school children.
We’ve always fought around his family; his mom is super controlling (like tells us when to eat, where to sit, what to eat, etc). It was hard at the beginning of our relationship because I grew up with a lot of siblings and my family is super relaxed. The rest of the family just laughs at how controlling she is and talks about strategies to deal with it (like drinking secretly).
For the most part, I like his family, and I have learned to just do what his mom says to avoid conflict. We now do well on trips to other places with them.
However, his mom is a different person at their house (I assume due to stress and wanting things to be like they were when her kids were little). I could handle this before kids, but it’s much harder with children.
They struggle to adjust to his parent’s schedule (his parents stay up until almost midnight and eat breakfast around 10-11), so my kids are usually tired and cranky. At home, my husband actually complains if we are up past 10, and we both go to sleep between 9-10.
This last trip I reached a breaking point. Our son had a cold and was super tired and my husband got mad at me for basically demanding that we go to sleep a little after 10.
Then while I was getting ready for bed his mom kept walking into our bedroom unannounced (while I was changing one time too). When he said that’s just how she is, I kinda lost it and said we can visit as much as he wants but I have to stay in a hotel.
He’s welcome to stay at the house or the hotel, but I just can’t do this anymore. He thinks I’m ruining his visit by doing that. He thinks the kids have anxiety at their house and would then beg to stay at the hotel with me and that would make things worse.
I’m somewhat of an introvert. I need to step away and take 10-15 min by myself to be able to function around people. It’s impossible to have privacy because she just walks in unannounced. We don’t sleep at all here (the bed is several sizes smaller than what we normally sleep in, and the temperature is way too hot).
One morning I had a headache from not sleeping and I had to go get food and hide eating it because I needed to take medicine around 9 am and he thought his mom would be offended if she found out I ate before her 11 am breakfast. I’d rather everyone get rest and then have good days together, than my kids and myself be miserable all day because we are so tired.
My husband says his family will be insulted if we stay at a hotel and I should just******* up. He said this is how they’ve done it since his childhood and I’m ruining it.
I’ve reached my breaking point and have anxiety over the thought of doing this again. AITJ for putting my foot down and saying I’ll only go if I can stay at a hotel?”
Another User Comments:
“Oh God no. NTJ. I’d actually insist on a hotel for you and the kids. But really what you have is a husband problem. A husband who was raised by a marginally unstable parent and trained from a young age to tip-toe around her and avoid disrupting her.
I’d encourage you to find a family therapist and visit as a couple. There’s a chance that a third-party perspective will help him shake off the veil and start setting healthier boundaries.
But if he won’t, I’d prepare to have a giant fight about this. Little kids can’t stay up until midnight and eat breakfast at 10 without making you miserable. Either you all start staying at a hotel, cheerfully joining the family for brunch and leaving at 8 pm, or you stop visiting his family.
You hold all the grandbaby cards so don’t be afraid to play hardball. And honestly, if your husband can’t break free of her control (and you can’t entirely fault someone who was raised in a family like this) let him visit with the kids alone and enjoy a vacation to yourself.
Kids are surprisingly resilient – they’ll catch up in their sleep when they get home and grow up with some really great stories about their whacky granny.” capmanor1755
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Bedtime is important. No one wants to deal with an overtired child. Or a hungry child. My son naturally wakes up around 7 am (8 am at the very latest). He sometimes waits 20 minutes before he wants food, but usually asks for toast and jam as soon as he gets downstairs.
No way I’d be able to make him wait until 10-11 am. I’m currently pregnant and waiting until 10-11 am would literally make me sick and/or cause me to faint.
I nearly passed out the other day as I went too long between meals, had been throwing up, an appointment took longer than anticipated and I forgot to take a snack with me (I’m having to eat little and often due to horrific morning sickness.
I also have issues with low ***** pressure).
I’d only agree to stay there (rather than at a hotel) if MIL agreed to respect bedtimes for both me and the kids, and was OK with me making food for myself/my kids when we were hungry (obviously with the proviso that one of us – myself or my husband – would clean up afterward, and that we would contribute to groceries and/or buy our own).
I’d also insist on her knocking on the door and waiting for us to OK coming in before entering the room we were staying in. If she refuses any of these reasonable requests it would be a hotel for me and the kids.” me_myself_and_evry1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – while you love your husband, as a parent you are responsible to care for the wellbeing of your children, including making sure they get adequate sleep and food.
It is an unrealistic expectation that a child will not eat until that late in the day. Kids are like hobbits, they need breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, etc… Depending on their age, many kids will still rise with the sun no matter how late they get to bed. Then they are hot messes all day while you are on vacation.
Set up your boundaries to advocate for your kids. Be the bad guy if your husband or MIL gets mad. That’s not a ‘you’-problem, and something they will have to deal with themselves.
An alternative solution to the hotel idea is if the MIL insists on late bedtimes and meals – let Grandma watch the tired and hungry kids while you and your husband go out.
Maybe she will bend on her controlling ways if she is the one who has to deal with the fallout.” randomfandom_41
If the kids are up at 7am then get up and make them something to eat and they can start their day. If they want to do kid stuff (which may not be quiet stuff) then that's okay. They can play outside or they can watch tv.
As for your MIL walking into the bedroom all the time. I would make sure that I would be completely thingy one day. In fact sleep thingy so that if she comes in jump up from under the covers feigning surprised because you were suddenly woken (even if you were awake waiting for her to barge in). I would imply salacious undertakings went on during the night without saying anything... or saying something. She can deal with the embarrassment of that.
I would also start either falling asleep or pretending to fall asleep, on the couch around 9-10pm. Whoops, sorry, it's been a big day and this is our usual bed time.
15. AITJ For Not Inviting My Family To Go To The Pub?
“Recently we were all on a family trip including the extended family so all 20 people including all the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all staying in one house. I have social anxiety and am the oldest (27) of all the cousins with the 4 youngest there being 12-5 so was just really needing time away from everyone, especially since being the oldest the youngest ones clung to me.
My immediate family and 1 Aunty and uncle decided to go for a walk to the pub just to get away from the noise and so I could be in a less crowded place.
We didn’t hide where we were going but didn’t say hey come with. They knew they could come if they wanted to.
When we got back things went down.
Everyone was fighting with everyone but all of us cousins kept away as much as we could but involved ourselves when we needed to. We don’t know why they got offended as much as they did considering they could have just gone to the pub if they wanted to leave someone behind for the young kids.
A lot of accusations and talking in bad taste was done by all the aunties and uncles and my parents.
I feel I should also mention that we older cousins (me and my sisters) were expected to babysit at the drop of a hat if they decided to up and leave for whatever reason which is the main reason I just wanted to chill out without worrying about kids that aren’t even mine.
Am I the jerk for not inviting them?
EDIT: where I feel I may be the jerk is now that we are all home and away from each other my immediate family went to the pub across the road from my sister’s house.
Thinking the fight was finally all water under the bridge since it was a week ago now we put up a photo on our socials of us at the pub with the caption ‘went for a walk’ since that is apparently what they all think we said when we left to go to the pub (which I know is a lie because I was with my Aunty when she told my nan we are going for a walk to the pub).
And those that blew up about not being invited are now messaging all of us about how disrespectful we are.”
Another User Comments:
“This is why big family holidays are a really bad idea.
Somebody nearly always gets their paps in a wringer and an argument breaks out over something and that something usually is over who is going to watch the littles.
You are most certainly NTJ.” Remdog58
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It sounds as if you struck a reasonable balance – you help with sitting sometimes, but you also get time for yourself, you’re not an on-call 24/7 sitter for the trip.
This is, of course, assuming you all weren’t falling down obnoxiously wasted when you came back, but it doesn’t sound as if that is the case.
Plus, you were with your parents, (I’m assuming since you say immediate family) and parents outrank extended family in terms of obligations and affections.
(At least, in a healthy family with good parents.)
I suspect the fight had little to do with you going out, however, once you got back it was easier for everyone who was arguing to turn on those returning than actually resolve whatever was going on.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They’re adults. They’re big enough to decide for themselves whether or not they want to go to the pub. If they didn’t go, that was their choice, making it a them problem, not a you problem.
They’re also expecting you to look after the younger ones at the drop of a hat so they can do what they want, but want to get annoyed at you when you do something you want to do.
Tell them to go suck a lemon.” User
14. AITJ For Kicking My Partner Out Of My Apartment?
“My partner and I have had a long-distance relationship for a bit over two years.
He recently finished his degree and took a job about 30 – 40 min from where I live, which is great! However, his lease started today 01 January 2022 so he has been staying in my apartment.
I’m out of state and staying with my family over the holidays, so he’s alone. In my absence, I asked him to do some (in my opinion) extremely simple things like keep track of what he eats so I know what I need to replenish on my way back.
I also asked him to pick up some Amazon deliveries that sit in a room in my apartment complex.
Despite explicitly asking him to do these things, he has so far refused and come up with a number of excuses to not do them.
I had to BEG him for a grocery list which he finally provided. He’s a hard worker and when he lived with his family he was far from lazy, footing bills and owning home tasks and renovations.
However, I honestly feel he’s extremely laid back with me. I have to beg him to do these very simple things while he’s staying in my apartment and for a list of the food he ate.
I finally grew tired of this and asked him to leave since he can officially move into his new place. AITJ here?
Edit: to clarify, we are both males. Yes, we are gay.
Also, he currently lacks proper transportation which is why his new place is within walking distance from work. Also, he was moving in on Monday regardless (job start date).
As he starts on Monday, all this time he’s just been watching YouTube videos all day.
He did go to his new leasing office on two occasions to finish up paperwork and whatnot.
A lot of people are saying it’s weird I would ask for a list but hey, it’s just how I organize myself.
Everybody has their own way of doing things. This is just how I do mine. I see it as a simple ask that can help me avoid wasting time going to my apartment, driving to the grocery store, and then back.
Also, I recognize I did not really need the list when I asked for it, but that just came out as part of a separate but related discussion on laziness.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You shouldn’t need to ‘beg’ your partner to do anything. Partnership is a self-explanatory word: both share the load. I understand he could be tired of working, we all sometimes are.
But that’s not an excuse to drop everything onto our partners and whine or just not do something we were asked to do.
You might want to sit down with your partner and talk about all this.
I know it’s cliché, but ‘communication’ is everything in any human relationship.” P40L4
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Controlling at the very least.
He’s a ‘partner’ and you’re demanding an itemized list of food that he consumed?
As opposed to arriving back home and making up a shopping list?
If I were him, I’d be out the door, never to return.” CanuckinMexico
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Doesn’t sound like you want to know every bite.
You want a shopping list. Seems reasonable. I get really annoyed when I find something near empty in my fridge or pantry. We keep a list on the fridge so whoever goes to the shops knows what to get.
And if something is running low, it goes on the list. Pretty basic respect in someone else’s house. If someone doesn’t respect how things are done in your house, they are free to stay elsewhere.” Significant-Spite-72
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Simple tasks aren’t always so simple especially if people have some sort of attention deficit disorder or an overly demanding job. For being together for so long, you don’t sound like you communicate well with one another and should consider taking a step back perhaps.” GemelosAvitia
He's a bit of a jerk for not collecting your packages though.
13. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Clean Up The Toilet Seats?
“My partner and I have been in a relationship for a year and a half. He moved in this past July.
Before him, I had another male roommate who had this disgusting habit of leaving poop smeared on the end of the toilet seat.
He acted embarrassed when I told him and asked him to clean it, but would regularly leave both the toilet seat and bowl with fecal smears down the end. This is something that bothered me so much that I actually messaged my partner about it.
I had never lived with anyone, male or female, who had left the toilet like that before.
That roommate moved out and my partner moved in this past July. I have noticed the same habit from my partner leaving smears or spots of poop on the seat sometimes and on the bowl almost always.
I’ve brought this up several times and asked him to keep the seat clean at least. I bought him Clorox wipes to use to clean up after and disinfect it.
This morning I had to use the bathroom and saw both the upstairs and downstairs toilets had poop on the seat. I asked my partner to clean it and I thought I asked pretty nicely but he immediately got mad and said that he cleans the toilet all the time and said it’s my turn.
I said I don’t leave poop on the toilet. He wouldn’t believe me and said everyone does. I tried to explain that I didn’t and he wouldn’t believe me and told me to get lost and clean it myself and it basically escalated to us screaming at each other and I went upstairs crying to my room.
He called me a jerk. I really don’t think it’s normal to leave your bodily fluids on the toilet seat but I’m not sure why both these two guys that I’ve lived with have such a problem with cleaning up after themselves and why I’m the bad guy for asking them to.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ, as others have mentioned, but I just came here to say that as someone who regularly has to clean public and office toilets, the amount of people that do this is terrifying.
It doesn’t matter if they’re toilets used by the general public, working professionals, working or middle class, the police, or members of local government, the amount of poop that’s left behind on toilets with no effort to clean it up afterward has made me lose all hope for faith in humanity.
If we can’t collectively agree that leaving your poop on the toilet you share with other people isn’t acceptable we have no hope of solving any other problem.” FlibV1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This man is disgusting and also seems crazy. If he’s willing to get that mad over his own fecal matter, that’s a red flag. Leave him. Also as a woman who has only ever lived with other women, it took me so long to figure out how on earth someone could be pooping ON the toilet seat and leaving it there or not noticing.
I’ve never had an experience like this and it honestly makes me glad I’ve never lived with men, this sounds awful. Also unrelated but if your partner is leaving poop streaks at the end of the seat I could bet his briefs are full of poop stains too.
Go out with someone who can wipe their butt and the toilet seat properly OP, and tell your partner to wear diapers if he can’t be bothered to wipe.” 3682771
12. AITJ For Giving My Dog The Same Name As My Cousin's Daughter?
“I (23F) have had a golden retriever for the last two years. Her name is Isabella or Bella for short. I’ve never been close to my cousin, but recently she announced the birth of her baby girl who is coincidentally named Isabella, ‘or Bella for short’.
My cousin knows my dog’s name as she has been around her a few times at family gatherings, but however, after the baby was born she told me that I needed to change my dog’s name.
I asked why and she said that it wasn’t okay for me to have named my dog after her daughter. I reminded her multiple times that I named my dog two years before she even had her daughter.
She also said that it was my fault for wasting the name on ‘that mutt’.
My mom is on my side because she sees where I’m coming from, however, my cousin is spreading rumors in my family, that I stole the name.
Which isn’t even possible? She stole my dog’s name.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Of all the names your cousin could’ve picked she picked this one. If you’d named the dog after the baby was born she’d have a point.
But it’s not reasonable of her to expect you to change your dog’s name now, especially with all the re-training you’d have to go through with your dog.
And calling your dog ‘that mutt’ and spreading rumors… absolute jerk behavior. What’s so insulting about being named after a dog anyway. I’d prefer that over being named after any person.
Dogs are so pure.” WingInformal3830
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – holy crap, who cares? I have six kids and I wouldn’t care a bit if someone had a dog or any other animal with the same name as one of my kids.
The amount I wouldn’t care would increase exponentially if that animal had the name first.
Reach out to the family and tell them ‘Hey, I wanted to set the record straight.
I’ve had Bella for two years now, while my cousin’s newborn is only x months old. I’m not changing Bella’s name when it’s her name that was stolen.’ Then maybe throw in some alternative name options for the kid of Spot, Rover, Miss Ruffington, etc.” Lurkingentropy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she tries to turn it on you again, tell her she didn’t have to name her daughter after your dog and that she had two years to figure out a different name or to change her mind.
And ask her why she’s so jealous of your dog, anyway. I hope your relatives aren’t so stupid as to believe you stole her daughter’s name when you had your dog 2 years before she had her kid.” Cool-Clerk-9835
11. AITJ For Leaving My Sick Partner At Home On New Year's Eve?
“I’ve had these plans for a very long time and I have never missed a year at my friend’s house. My partner was supposed to come too, but she got sick the day before and lost her voice.
She wanted me to stay home but I didn’t want to cancel my long-standing plans with friends and family, so I went. It’s been a while since I’ve seen them and my parents were making a nice dinner as well.
Now, my partner is upset that I left her home for the holidays ‘when we should have rung in the new year together’ but I’m just trying to balance all the people in my life.
I really wish she could have come, we really missed her and if she wasn’t sick she could have.
Why I could be the jerk: I left my partner home sick on NYE.
Why I may not be the jerk: she still could have come.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – you had these plans for a long time with friends and family.
It’s unfortunate she got sick right before and decided not to attend. That being said, unless she physically couldn’t get out of bed and needed assistance to be taken care of, she really shouldn’t have expected you to drop your plans.
I get wanting someone to take care of you when you’re sick, but you going out for a few hours shouldn’t be a big deal. Part of being in a serious relationship (and I assume this since you live together) is compromising and thinking of the other as well.
I do hope you at least checked in on her while you were out.” ButtercupBug0115
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if she said to go for one night and gave you her blessing, but now that I’ve seen that you’re going for the whole weekend, you’re kinda the jerk.
Also kinda the jerk for saying she could come just because it’s not serious. Dude we’ve been dragging through a health crisis for 2 freaking years now, you shouldn’t bring anyone who’s sick anywhere just because you’re sure it’s not serious.
And just one more thing, if you’re serious about this girl, live with her, and have future plans with her, then her health should be a priority for you, just as I’m sure your health is a priority to her.
Going out for one night is fine, you’ve gotta have some balance, but ditching her for the whole weekend while sick is pretty trashy. Maybe think about how you would feel if you got sick and she just ditched you for an entire weekend.
Yes, she’s an adult and can take care of herself, but part of being a partner is being there for those things. Y’all never heard of ‘in sickness and in health’?
Again, I know you’re not engaged or married, but if you ever plan to be, this is something you should be thinking about.” Substantial_Rub_5788
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
In one of the other comments, you mentioned that it wasn’t just NYE.
You were spending all weekend with the other group.
You could have been with your partner at the moment of new year’s and given her the new year’s kiss, and then went over to celebrate with the others.
Instead, you abandoned her fully.
Taking a few hours out of your plans with your friends wouldn’t have been the end of the world, but this moment clearly meant a lot to your partner.
I know I would have been hurt sitting home alone while sick and watching all the couples kissing on New Year’s on the TV.” Cookiemonster4394
10. AITJ For Not Offering My Condolences To My Cousins?
“I’m Asian and based in southeast Asia wherein in our culture, family is family.
(Supposedly). My uncle, who I really hate and is the golden child of my late grandma, just died last new years eve. To list reasons why I never like him, here are a few:
During my late grandfather’s bday 2 yrs ago, he threw a fit because my grandpa refused to eat the food he brought him because he was already full, by nearly wrecking the cake my mom brought for my grandpa by trying to flip it over.
(Cake was saved at least since my mom held the box tightly). What made it worse is my little sis overheard my male cousin, (21) gleefully saying to his sister (25) that their dad flipped the cake and she was smirking.
But they had panicked looks later on when they found out my mom fought my uncle back. Plus he even threatened to break my mom’s head.
He’s rude to me and my sis and my parents (like orders us around as if we’re his maids but doesn’t let my cousins lift a finger to do his bidding and he doesn’t call us by name.
Just like hey you etc) while he was still alive but is trying to be on good terms with my other uncle because he needs something from him. (Money mainly because my uncle spends a lot beyond his means.)
And many more.
So, my dad found out my uncle died because a friend of his told him since my cousin told her. But the thing is my cousins didn’t even bother informing my dad or mom but informed my other uncle.
Before this, my mom was asking her how her dad was weeks before he passed away but my cousin never replied.
The fact that we heard it from someone else is pretty disrespectful because why tell our other uncle (dad’s youngest brother) but not my dad?
My dad had the right to know because he’s the brother of their dad and my dad still respects him even though my uncle is a brat. So, I refuse to give my condolences to them because they didn’t respect my dad and did not tell him his brother passed away.
But my sisters said I’m being petty about it and argued that my cousins just lost their dad and that I should have the heart to sympathize with them by extending condolences.
But if my cousins didn’t inform my dad or mom or anyone of us, why should I? They didn’t respect my dad by breaking the news so why should they deserve the sympathy?
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – At first I thought maybe they told the uncle to tell everyone because when you’re grieving, you aren’t calling each and every person.
You usually designate someone to do that for you; however, from your posts and responses, that doesn’t seem the case. They intentionally did not tell you and have seemingly gone no contact with you all and in that case, no condolences need to be extended.” Leather-Anybody-5389
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, holding a grudge over someone who is dead is such a waste of your brain energy and space. Also, when you’re bereaved, it can be hard to think clearly and they may think you won’t care how they’re feeling, (they’re right) what will it cost you to pass your condolences?
Condolences are for the living. Not the deceased. It’s not their fault their father was a horrible man and didn’t raise them properly. Use this as a chance to forgive them and let go of this whole drama.
You don’t have to talk to them afterward but they won’t occupy your thoughts.” Izankaleli
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You just won’t get around messes like these in some families; especially not when it comes to how relatives are supposed to be treated within your culture.
You should probably get used to just calling them relatives, and decide for yourself who deserves to be your actual family.” tonysvanstrom
I would only offer condolences if you see your cousins in person. I would not be sending them anything ie text, email etc. It's just about being polite to their face if you see them but otherwise don't bother. They didn't give you the courtesy of letting you know about the death. You can just say you didn't know because no one let you know.
Your sisters can do whatever they like but they get to judge you for doing something different.
9. AITJ For Invalidating My Sister's "Sacrifices"?
“I (17) have a young sister (14), let’s call her Fallon.
In my country, there’s this really huge college entrance exam that basically the whole country knows and keeps updated on. Basically, it’s the most important test a student can take.
Fallon, unlike me who’s rotting away studying, is in her prime teenage years, playing with her friends every day, staying up late to call them, and taking long rides out to pretty cafes and malls.
I’m not saying that that’s a bad thing, it’s great that she’s enjoying the time she has to the fullest. The problem emerges during my midterm/finals. I prefer to study at home for various reasons.
It’s where I have access to the most books, stationery, and the most comfort so I can study for longer periods of time.
But the thing is, Fallon tends to be loud at home.
Really, REALLY loud. I could be in my room with the doors closed and still hear her calling her friends in her room. I’d tell her to lower the volume, but she hardly ever listens.
Final term season was honestly extremely stressful on me and I just broke down when she just would not be quiet and I had pages of studying left to do and no way to focus on my work with all the chattering.
I’ve also told her not to play songs during these test seasons when I’m around because the melody of those songs would get stuck in my head and could hinder me during exams. Despite this, every time I entered the living room she would sing all these random songs and say, ‘That’s not even going to get stuck in your head!’ There are honestly so many more episodes like this but as this post is getting quite long I’ll stop here.
Fast forward to today when she suddenly brought up the topic of having a sleepover at our house. My mom gently told her no, and I stayed quiet for my mom to sort it out until Fallon yelled that it was unfair she had to sacrifice hanging out with her friends and having fun just because I was taking a big test. Upon hearing that, something just snapped in me.
I told her of all the things she had done that were definitely not ‘sacrificing having fun’, to which she said she had to give up having a sleepover during Christmas (which was when I was actually in the middle of my final exams).
I told her that she could’ve gone over to her friend’s house, that she hung out at some mall with her friends anyway in the end, adding that she (Fallon) definitely would not like it if I do the same to her in the future.
The argument got pretty messy and Fallon ended up crying. Which made me feel like the jerk because she’s honestly really young, and maybe I should just try to find some better place to focus on studying outside of home.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your sister is old enough to know better but I suspect it’s your parents’ utter lack of parenting that’s stopping her from respecting your need for at least a little bit of quiet while you study for such an important test. I’d talk to your parents and emphasize how important this is and how your sister’s behavior is impacting you.
If nothing changes then unfortunately you might have to look into finding another, quieter place to study.” J-D-96
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – this whole argument was completely your fault, but you come to the wrong conclusion about why you are the jerk.
You have an important exam to study for and need peace and quiet. Because of that, your sister can not have a sleepover now. That is very reasonable! You are not the jerk for wanting this and you should not have to find a different place to study.
However, your mom already told your sister no. The sleepover was not going to happen. You were in the clear, your parent supported you. There was no issue until YOU snapped at your sister.
You piled on to her about something she was already not allowed to do anyway, you admit that the argument ‘got messy’, and you probably let your exam stress out on her, all for being a child who wanted to spend time with her friends and being upset that she could not.
It is one thing to forbid your sister the sleepover but it is another to forbid her feelings about that, which is what you did and what makes you a jerk.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting to study in peace. Are you the oldest? Do your parents understand the weight that performance on your exams carry? It seems that they could have set some boundaries for your sister.
Knowing that Fallon is loud and unable to refrain from singing and making noise, you should reconsider your preference to study at home. It might be smart to break down your study schedule and take what you need elsewhere when Fallon is at home.
If she continues to be a nuisance and is now planning sleepovers, it’s time to change your focus from ‘how can I get my sister to be quiet when I am trying to study?’ to ‘where can I study so that I can do well on my exams?’
While it is natural to feel frustrated watching your sister enjoy herself while you have to study and having to deal with her inconsiderate behavior, you need to take care of yourself and focus on your studies.
If you stay in this mindset and do not do your best to take care of yourself, you may be inclined to blame your sister for your scores, if you get poor grades.
You may also blame your parents and waste time feeling sad and sorry for yourself.
It’s too bad you have to deal with this during a challenging time. Here’s hoping it all works out.” GladysKravitz21
8. AITJ For Not Telling My Friend Which College I Applied To?
“I (17F) am a high school student in my senior year who intends on going to university in the United States.
Background knowledge for people who aren’t familiar with the US application system: The application deadline for the early round was November, and decisions were released around mid-December.
If we apply for ED (early decision) to a certain university, then we have to attend if we are accepted. Hence students can only apply to a single ED school.
Since the beginning of the school year in September, every single student had been asking others about where they’re applying to. Apparently, the reason why people do this is to avoid applying to the same university as the competitive applicants who are at the top of their class since people think there’s a high school quota (my school gives an award to the students who are at the top of their class at the end of each year, and I am one of them).
Several months earlier, I had decided on applying ED to school B and this is what I told people – including Friend A – whenever they asked me.
However, I suddenly changed my mind and decided to apply to school C a week before the application deadline and didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t think I would get in.
Here is where the conflict arises: Friend A also applied to school C. For the past few months, he kept asking me which university I will be applying to because he did not want to apply to the same one as me (he thinks I had a stronger application because I have a higher standardized testing score and GPA… but he is really good too).
When decisions were released, I was surprised to find out that I got in. Unfortunately, Friend A did not get in.
I didn’t tell anyone in my school that I got in, but my university counselor had posted about my acceptance to SCHOOL C on his social media platform.
Friend A saw this and became furious.
I apologized to him for not telling him that I made a last-minute change and that it was wrong of me to not update him.
However, Friend A is blaming me for his rejection/deferral. He said that he would’ve gotten in if I didn’t apply and that he would not have applied to school C if he had known that I would apply too.
Up to today, he is still incredibly mad and has been bad-mouthing me to all my classmates.
(Note: schools B and C are both top 10 universities, and I currently attend an international school.)
AITJ?
EDIT 1: Colleges don’t set a limit on the number of students from each high school they can accept.
I made the change because I realized that I wanted to go to school C way more than school B.
My counselor also spoke with the other ones at my high school and told me my profile was more suitable for school C as well.
I didn’t tell anyone I changed because it would’ve been a waste of time to update every single student who asked me about my ED school only to get rejected. I genuinely didn’t think I would get in not only because of the sheer complexity of admissions decisions but also because my high school is rumored to have been blacklisted by several colleges – the last time someone got into this university was back in 2019.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry for your friend, but it is not your fault you had a stronger application, that he didn’t get in, or that they only accept 1-2 students from a high school.
If he wanted to get in, that needed to be all on his shoulders, not dependent on you not applying. I don’t mean to have a ‘get good’ attitude and I know some kids are good at school and some aren’t (I was definitely one of the latter), but him badmouthing you instead of being happy for you shows he’s not a true friend, but a sore loser.
Tell him you’ve apologized already, you made a last-minute decision, and didn’t do it to intentionally spite him. But now he is badmouthing you to intentionally spite you, and it is harassment, and needs to stop.” RNGinx3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Admissions don’t care about how many from a high school apply to their school. You met the criteria to go there and your friend didn’t. I also don’t think you need to tell everyone where you are applying bc it just creates an atmosphere of kids comparing themselves to others and students thinking they know how admissions make their decisions.
Students with similar grades and scores could be accepted to a school or not accepted for many other reasons (not just GPA or test scores), such as extracurriculars, leadership, personal essays, selected majors, etc.
The schools you applied to are top universities so they get a ton of applicants every year. They do not have a scorecard of each high school and how many they accept from each.
They have to look at the big picture of the students they are accepting over ALL the applicants they get, and it just so happened that you and a bunch of other students from other HSs met their criteria and your friend didn’t.
I have kids around your age and I obviously have been through the experience of going through high school and all the drama that goes with that. To me, the only thing that is going on here is Friend A is upset that they didn’t get in and taking it out on you.
You believed the quota thing (people in my area believe it too so it’s pretty common), which made you nervous about telling your friend. You guys are just going to have to get through this, and it will likely take some time.
It would help if an admissions officer here could provide some validity to how they make decisions so that your friend doesn’t see you as the reason they were not accepted, but you did nothing wrong here.
Senior year in HS is a tough time where emotions run high.” ukelele_pancakes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. To be honest, you absolutely should have told him and it was a jerk move to not say it.
But you apologized about that and now he’s just taking his rejection out on you. I know other people on here are saying that multiple qualified people can get in from school, but having been through these admissions processes and talked to many of my friends who have as well, you’re right that most of the time only one kid from a school gets in.
The exception is with the really good schools (which some international schools are) where everyone gets into those universities. But this year, a friend of mine applied ED to Brown and it was her absolute dream and she’d totally have gotten in but another kid she was friends with decided to apply and he was objectively a better student.
Schools don’t compare so much as want diversity and so want to avoid taking too many students from the same background so to some extent they will only choose one student from a certain school/region.
But regardless of that, your friend is definitely the jerk because ultimately the university chose not to accept him and he absolutely can apply elsewhere. I’m confused why he’s so upset because it doesn’t even seem like he liked that school that much and ED 2 is a fairly common thing so he can just do that to another school.” shrub1515
7. AITJ For Expecting My Parents To Pay For My Tuition?
“My family has always been pretty well off. Other than a few financial hardships around the time the housing market crashed, and being let go from jobs, we have always been very financially stable and comfortably upper-middle class.
When my parents lost their jobs at any point in my life, they were employed within a few months (likely less) in their respective fields. They both make six figures a year.
My parents have always been fairly firm in wanting me to go to college. I grew up knowing that school wasn’t gonna end at high school for me. Even if that wasn’t what I wanted. High school was very hard for me, as I struggle with mental health issues, but I ended up graduating with an advanced diploma.
I was really proud of myself.
I got accepted into a college a state over for the semester after high school. My parents didn’t want me to attend because ‘we don’t have the funds.’ This was a lie.
My dad had been speaking just days before about joining a boat club with a down payment of at least $5,000 and a monthly payment of around $700. I did receive my offer letter very late, so I understood their hesitation.
But they lied to me about the reason. They then switched it up and said that they ‘don’t want to receive a call that I was found lifeless somewhere’ or something like that (?).
Anyways, I got into an in-state college for the Spring 2022 semester. The tuition is about $14,000 including room and board (estimate found on Google), and it’s close to home so I wouldn’t even be staying in a dorm.
My parents knew I applied and got in. No mention of FAFSA or financial aid was ever made. Come Christmas, I mentioned how I’m gonna need a laptop to use when I start my classes (I don’t have one).
My dad asks when they start and I tell him. My mom asks if I’ve filled out any forms for financial aid. I’m confused.
The semester starts in a little over a week.
They tell me I might not be able to go if I can’t fill out my paperwork by the time the semester starts. I’m PRETTY UPSET at this.
They then deflect and say that there’s nothing wrong with going to community college for a semester or just waiting until the next semester to go. These people gave me so much trouble about taking a semester off (even though I could’ve gone to college, but alas), and now they want me to take another semester?
I’m mad. I don’t know what to do. I never spoke to a counselor about this, because I didn’t think it’d be a problem.
My parents seem to think I’m being WAY overdramatic and entitled. I think I have every right to be upset about this.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – You knew you were going to college and never bothered filling out a FAFSA? Never talked to a school counselor? Never planned for college other than sending in applications?
$5000 is no way near $14,000 and if your parents say they don’t have it, they probably don’t. You have no clue about their debt or financial situation. You just think you can not plan and it still will fall in place.
Life doesn’t work that way. In filling out applications the mention or allusion to finances came up. The fact you claim obvious funding is odd to me because that would be a part of your application process when you applied to the college.
Even college websites would have mentioned tuition and the process or even referred you to the office that handles that. You just chose to ignore it.
Check with the college you want to attend what they have to offer for financial aid and deadlines to apply because you are going to have to actually do the footwork in seeing what could help you.” Leather-Anybody-5389
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re 18. I know people say that’s an adult and you’re on your own, but I disagree. Getting into college is a huge process.
HUGE. Your parents at the bare minimum should have been part of the process, which includes an honest financial discussion, all along. My 18yo is the most organized and independent high schooler I know, with an excellent college counselor at school, and both her mom and I have initiated and been part of so many discussions for at least two years.
You should have been proactive in filling out FAFSA just in case, but your counselor should have told you that and your parents need to supply their information. I can’t imagine FAFSA opening up and not having a conversation with my kid.
Yes, financial support is not a guarantee, but I feel bad that you’re not getting any guidance or emotional support.” toxic_2022
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re not a jerk for expecting your college to be paid for, but you yourself say your parents had some financial setbacks.
That ate up their savings. But there’s good news! Millions of dollars in scholarships go unclaimed because nobody applies for them. Start applying for every scholarship you can. If you find you can’t swing the university this year, move out of your parent’s house as soon as you can, before they can claim you on next year’s taxes, and take a class or two at a community college while working and establishing yourself as the head of your own household.
You will get a much better financial aid package that way. But you’ll need proof of address to show that you didn’t reside with your parents for more than half the year so they can’t claim you on their income taxes next year or you’ll be sadly outta luck.” onecrazywriter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if it has been their expectation for you to go to college; they should have planned for it, but they didn’t. Here’s the thing this lets you off the hook.
Figure out if you actually want to go to college or if you want something different. Times are changing quickly and it is obvious that student loan debt is crippling a ton of people who can’t find work or the pay won’t allow them to ever recover.
So take the opportunity to really think about what you want WITHOUT FACTORING IN YOUR PARENTS AT ALL.
On another note, I got to say your post kicked off multiple red flags.
Your parents seem to change the goalposts and are gaslighting you. You are expected to go to college getting out of state; but suddenly no, they make it difficult, it’s too far, excuses excuses.
So you found an in-state college, everything’s set up, but suddenly no funds (excuses), no help to buy school equipment. If I was you, I would really be mad. It would encourage me to make the first of many boundaries.
Good luck!” Efficient-Cupcake247
6. AITJ For Telling My Wife To Call Me When It's Time To Eat?
“We have two kids, I work from home. My wife loves to cook. I cook on special occasions and I’ve offered to cook more but my wife doesn’t have any issues with me not cooking much.
My wife cooks on a relative schedule where meals are often ready between noon and 12:45. It varies based on if my wife took the kids to an activity and if she’s making a meal or reheating leftovers.
Lately, my wife hasn’t been calling me for meals. All I ask is for a shout ‘lunch is ready’. Sometimes my 4-year-old will come and get me which is nice.
Other times I realize dinner is ready because I can hear the utensils from the other floor. Other times I miss the meal entirely and eat alone.
We’ve had several conversations with her about this.
I’ve asked her to call me for meals. She tells me that I’m an adult and that she shouldn’t have to call me, that meals are ready on a schedule even if the time can fluctuate.
She will say she will make an effort and I keep thinking it will improve but quickly she forgets.
I’ve asked what she expects me to do to understand her viewpoint.
If I should wait nearby during meal hours? She says no that I should ask her for an ETA when the meal will be ready and come then. Which sounds way more annoying for her than her simply calling me.
When we discuss this it feels like she’s making excuses. She says she forgot to call me, or she thought someone else told me when it’s clear they didn’t. Or that she’s busy with the kids which, I would help feed if I were there.
I asked why she doesn’t notice that I’m not there and call me. But she never answers this.
I’ve told her that even if it’s not a good expectation to have to be called for a meal, it doesn’t take long and the favor would mean a lot to me.
I told my wife that it feels like she doesn’t want me there for the meals or at least doesn’t care that I’m not there. Or is just trying to punish me?
We’ve had other problems in our relationship and she tells me she doesn’t love me and is trying to figure out if she ever will and needs time. It’s been 6 months.
Those issues could be their own post. But I said that for me this is important and is something simple you would do for even a friend. This issue is me asking her to do her part to rebuild our relationship.
I feel like the bar is so low here for her to include me. But I’m writing this post to check if I’m being unreasonable in this discussion.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are asking that she come get you so you can eat when you are in the same house as them and could get up and ask, or get down and help out a little.
But no, you expect her to do the entire meal and then come and get you as if she is one of your children.
Take responsibility for your own meal time, instead of leaving the labor of reminding you when to eat to your wife who has also cooked. She isn’t your maid and your personal chef.
If you want to eat lunch with them, do the basic and get down at 12h45 to see if it’s ready. Set an alarm on your phone for that. Maybe help in setting the table.” Quicksilver1964
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Yes, it would be easy for your wife to tell you that food is ready and she probably isn’t doing it because she probably doesn’t want to eat every meal with you and is busy with the children.
Especially because of what you shared about her feelings toward you. It would also be easy for you to ask for an eta or check on your wife and kids when it is near meal times so that you can join them.
While I understand that it is not a big ask to have her call you for meals and you probably feel justified in asking it since you are working, to her it is not a big ask for you to request an ETA especially because you work from home and meals are at the same approximate time.
This is not about meals and very much about your other marital problems. You are both hurt and asking the other to give instead of trying to give yourself. You should try counseling.” classlassoer
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go with NTJ but think that it will do you better to readjust to her thinking. Firstly, in my mind lunch is a less formal or ritual meal than dinner.
On days when my husband and I both work from home I or he will often ask if the other wants lunch but not always. So maybe she doesn’t see why you’re making such a big deal about eating together for lunch especially when she is busy with the kids.
On the other hand, I think it is nice that you want to have lunch with your family and your feelings are totally valid, it is not hard to simply say ‘hey meal is ready’ — I find her behavior really, really mean.
Your wife really does seem like she is pushing you away with the whole eating without you and ‘forgetting’ when she knows it means something to you. Because of all the other issues though, and because this seems like this is just about lunch and not the more traditional family time dinner, I don’t think this is the thing to zero in on to expect her to ‘do her part.’
I also suspect there are more factors in your rocky relationship that we can’t know from this post contributing to her unwillingness to want to include you in lunch.
If you want to keep working at it, just do what she requested and ask for a timeframe.” decembersunday
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You both seem to like you are making this into a bigger issue than it needs to be.
Your wife is busy with cooking and taking care of the children. You already know approximately when meals are ready and it sounds like you are adding to her work.
To show that you are trying, it would be ideal to say something beforehand like ‘I’d love to have lunch with you and (children). I’ll be up around 12. Does that sound like a good time?’ And then if you are early, I’m sure it would be helpful to do something with your children, like make sure they wash their hands or make sure they have cleaned up their toys and set the table.
It’s good to get them in good habits early and you can be part of that. Then you are in the area, participating in the family, and you will know when meals are ready.
You also seem to be putting your own judgments on her when you say ‘it feels like she doesn’t want me there for the meals or at least doesn’t care that I’m not there.
Or is just trying to punish me’. It sounds like you both have issues if she says ‘she doesn’t love me and is trying to figure out if she ever will and needs time’.
She can make an effort too. It takes 20 seconds to send a text that says ‘lunch at 12’ or just ‘lunch’. I do it all the time. I have even told my husband ‘dinner is ready!’ at the top of my voice and he is in the next room, and he doesn’t come.
At that point, we go ahead and eat without him. But I don’t retaliate or turn it into a battle of wills and who’s right and who’s wrong. Having a relationship is hard and kids add to it, however, it is worth making an effort.
Both of you need to grow up and try to treat each other with respect and not be childish.” ukelele_pancakes
5. AITJ For Making Fun Of My Pregnant Sister's Baby Name Choice?
“My sister (who took her husband’s surname, Farmer, when she married) is pregnant. She recently announced that they plan to name him Sherlock. I assumed this was some bizarre joke, because… well… you CAN NOT name a baby Sherlock.
But, it turns out they’re serious.
I told her that admiration for a famous person or character isn’t a reason to name someone. She argued that she could do it because the name Sherlock ‘wasn’t offensive’.
I said that her son would find it pretty offensive when they were being bullied for it in high school. I love my sister and I know it’s not really my business what she names her kid, so I kept my comments jokey and light and didn’t push it.
But, seriously? She just can’t.
Later that night I created a collage of Jeremy Brett, Johnny Lee Miller, and Bendylick Crumplepatch, planted in a field, being tended by a baby in a hat, and sent it to her with the caption Sherlock Farmer.
I thought it was kinda cute and funny but might make her second-guess her bizarre choice.
Instead, she called me, screaming that I’m evil, have no right to judge her choices, that her husband’s entire family is going to hear about how I mocked their surname (which was in no way my intention) and I’m no longer her sister until I can learn not to be a judgemental jerk.
I’ve apologized for my poor taste in humor, I’ve deleted the pic, and I’ve made it clear that I wasn’t mocking the surname Farmer. And still, she won’t talk to me.
I’ve dropped it because I don’t wish to further upset a pregnant person, but I really don’t think I was in the wrong. I guess that’s why she won’t forgive me.
So, tell me. Am I wrong here? Do I need to change my way of thinking?
Quick edit as I’m seeing several people saying I should have minded my own business.
Her exact words during the name announcement were ‘We’re calling the baby Sherlock, what do you think? Won’t that be cute?’ In my view, that means she invited my opinion.
Also, my sister and I have always had a teasing, bantering relationship. We’re Welsh, it’s what we do. Creating joke memes isn’t unusual for us. Nor is dark humor.
The day after my ten-year relationship ended she sent me a pack of antihistamines and an advert for kittens with the message ‘You’ll have to get over your allergies, or you’re gonna be alone forever!’
I laughed.
I get that I’m a bit rubbish. I didn’t mean to be, but I failed to realize that my relationship with my sister is different now.
It used to be that we were family, but now she’s making her own family and I don’t get the same say as I used to… I’m a peripheral person now.
What I meant as a joke to my sibling, intended to make her see my viewpoint, was instead interpreted as an attack on her new family and her choices. Viewed that way, I have a lot of making up to do.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think she’s the jerk for naming him a stupid name that everyone will laugh at behind her back and in his face when he’s at school.
Someone needed to tell her the truth. She’ll get over being mad and either change the name or keep it. If she keeps it, the poor thing will have a lifetime of explaining to do.
Maybe he’ll go by his middle name if that isn’t stupid like his first name. Maybe she needs to have Sherlock be his middle name. It is truly a horrible name for a kid.” exoinsect
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Here’s the thing, she may have asked for your opinion so you gave it. It should have been left at that. Instead, you took it upon yourself to further insult and make fun of your future nephew.
You made it your business to go out of your way to hurt your sister after it was made clear to you that she was hurt/offended by your initial comments.
Learn to read the room. You didn’t need to further carry this one but you chose to and that makes you a serious jerk.
Even if they do end up changing the name, your sister will never forgive you for going this far to insult her and her husband about their child.
This is coming from someone with an unusual name that was occasionally made fun of, who still thinks you were a jerk.
Edit: and before anyone comes for me with the ‘she wasn’t making fun of her nephew just the name’ nonsense.
That name is now associated with her nephew. Her sister has chosen that name for her nephew so yes she is making fun of him.” tekwayyuhself
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
That picture sounds hilarious!! If she didn’t want to know your thoughts, she shouldn’t have asked. I agree with you, it’s a horrible choice for a name. She’s mad because she thought it was ‘cute’ and no one agrees with her.
Saw a post on here a bit ago where a kid and their siblings were named after fictional characters from popular books/movies, and they were not happy! They absolutely despised the entire genre that their parents were obsessed with.
Your sister needs to read that. When I was younger Sherlock was used in an expression, negatively. ‘No kidding, Sherlock’. Don’t intentionally give kids any ammunition to use against your children.
But, again, that picture was funny! And spot on.” Wonderful-Mission908
Another User Comments:
“I feel like YTJ, but not the type of jerk that’s trying to be insidious. In fact, the description of the picture you made and sent to her had me in literal tears from laughing so hard.
We share the same sense of humor, that’s for sure. That being said, you should be more sensitive toward your pregnant sister and you should respect her choices. If your logic is that this baby will get teased for their name, it’s poor logic.
I have a very average, normal name, but when I was 11 a movie came out that had my name in the title and so, I got teased relentlessly only because of this particular movie.
I’m not sure if you have children or have ever been pregnant but when I was pregnant I was an emotional wreck. It was the hormones. I cried over everything.
One time I cried because ‘I felt bad that we had let the microwave get so dirty and the microwave didn’t deserve that because it’s so good to us’.
I’m a grown adult woman with a master’s degree, that kind of thing is something I’d NEVER be caught dead saying under normal circumstances, but there I was 8 months pregnant scrubbing my microwave clean and apologizing to it like it had human feelings.
Be more sensitive to her. It’s hard making a human being.
You are hilarious though and I really appreciate your humor.” BambiT87
4. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite My Parents To My Wedding?
“My partner A & I are early 30s queer women. We’ve been together 8 years and are getting married. I do not want to invite my parents to our wedding, but part of me thinks it might be kind of a jerk move.
My parents are very conservative Christians. They believe being gay is a sinful choice that goes against God’s plan for individuals and society, therefore they also believe that queer people should not be able to get married. Society should not be set up in a way that rewards/recognizes our degenerate choices, basically.
They taught me this growing up, they clarified that they still believe this when I came out & started going out with A, and have affirmed their beliefs several times. They are prominent leaders in a large church with publically available position papers on being gay and the definition of marriage (between a man & a woman only) that they sign annually.
This is why I don’t want them there – it’s a celebration of us and queer love and I don’t want anyone who can’t genuinely celebrate that in an unqualified way to come.
That said, they are not openly hostile towards me or A and they generally treat us the same as my straight siblings and their spouses. They ask about how A is doing, invite her on family trips, send her Christmas/birthday gifts, care if she likes them, etc.
Although they’ve been a source of a lot of trauma and stress in my life – because who I am conflicts with their beliefs and the church culture I was raised in – they do love me and want to see me generally happy and thriving.
I think from their perspective they’ve made the best of the bad situation I put them in when I came out by successfully loving the sinners (me & A) while hating the sin (us being together).
If they’re invited they will probably come. I don’t know exactly what mental gymnastics they’ll perform to resolve the cognitive dissonance, but they are masters at this and I’m sure they’ll find a way.
I’m not comfortable with just not telling them about the wedding.
Reasons I could be the jerk:
- A’s mom is also Christian and not thrilled about us being queer/together, but she’s less intense about it, and my partner wants to invite her so we will.
We are not being consistent and maybe that’s unfair.
- I don’t think they’ll cause a scene or be overt jerks if they come. It will just be stressful and sad for me.
- They will absolutely be offended and angry.
- Historically, things like this in my family stay tense but ‘fine’ until that becomes totally untenable – then things really explode. I somehow avoided this kind of relationship-ending explosion when I came out, but I think it’s very likely that this will set it off for real and end what’s left of my relationship with my parents
- When/if that happens they will DEFINITELY think I’m the jerk, and that will be the narrative that sticks around with them/in my extended family forever.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This is tricky. I don’t think anyone can give you good advice on this. Personally, I would invite them, since they are trying their best to be nice and not inviting them could ruin your relationship with them for years to come.
I wonder if you want to exclude them from the wedding out of spite. A chance to take revenge, making them feel excluded the way they made you feel excluded all those years.
If that’s your reasoning, let that feeling go and invite them.
If you’re not going to be able to enjoy your wedding day with your parents present, then don’t invite them.” bluemercutio
Another User Comments:
“You gave it a lot of thought, much more than anyone else will do here. So follow your gut feeling, it already made the decision I think.
You would not be the jerk, no. It’s about you two. But the fact that they are not hostile to you or your partner tells me that it would be a nice gesture to invite them.
It would put the ball in their field, to finally get a reality check that these things are around them and then their views, heck the view of their congregation in its entirety, is anachronistic (to say at least).
I would invite them, they can decline.” diffraction-limited
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – it sounds like, despite their opinions and beliefs clashing with your lifestyle, they have still made it clear that they love and support you and have respect for your relationship because they want the best for you and for you to be happy.
By not inviting them you are cutting them out of one of the happiest days of your life. If they felt that going to your wedding would be a step too far they will decline the invitation by RSVPing no. By not inviting them you are not even giving them the opportunity to come.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a sinner in their eyes and they love you ‘despite your degenerate ways’, they don’t fully accept who you are. You say that they will make the celebration of your relationship, which is what a wedding is, sad and you might spend the weeks before and even the day of the wedding tense over how the situation will evolve.
Other than sparing their feelings, I don’t see what the benefit of having them there will be.
In your relationship, you have been the one to bow down and accept whatever they pushed at you.
Their hate for your s*******y is inherently a hate for part of who you are and for your relationship with your fiancee. Luckily they still treat your soon-to-be a wife like one of the straight spouses.
Instead of straight up telling them about the wedding, I would sit them down and ask them why they still feel that way, and if they would celebrate your love (not just your happiness, your romantical love for your partner) in a hypothetical wedding.
If they can’t give a straight answer, then there you go.” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
3. AITJ For Being Upset When My Daughter Didn't Want Me To Teach Her How To Drive?
“We have a tradition in our family that whenever one of our children passes their driving exam, we all go out and eat together at their favorite restaurant to celebrate.
I taught all my daughters (18, 17, and currently my two 15-year-olds) how to drive, but my 16-year-old wouldn’t let me. She said that her friend was learning with a driving instructor, and she wanted to do that, too.
No problem. I asked her to let me just teach her the basics then, but she said that she wanted to learn at the same pace as her friend. I offered to teach the friend the basics, too, but then my daughter just outright said, ‘No, Dad.
No. I don’t want you to teach me. It’s not cool, okay, and I want to learn on my own.’
I said, ‘You are learning on your own, I’m just going to teach you the basics and that’s it.’
She said she didn’t want to talk about it anymore and the final answer was no. Part of her driving permit requirement was that she drives a certain amount of practice hours but she was only allowed to drive with a parent or driving instructor in the car.
She would never drive with me in the car, so she got all her practice hours with her driving instructor and by driving my wife around. I complained to my wife and asked her what the heck was going on, and she just kept saying that our daughter was trying to be independent and impress me by doing it on her own.
Finally, our daughter took her driving test. She passed and we went out to celebrate. She was supposed to drive the entire family to the restaurant, but I refused to get in.
I went in one car while she drove her mom and sisters in the other.
I usually give the toasts but I refused, saying, that maybe the driving instructor should have been here to give it.
My wife said, ‘Oh my gosh, this is so childish. You two need to talk about this right now and clear the air.’
I said, ‘I need an explanation for why my own daughter was so against me teaching her to drive, or just even being the car with her while she was learning.’
She said, ‘It wasn’t personal. I just wanted to learn how to drive on my own. And with my friend. That’s it.’
Even my other daughters said, ‘Yeah, but you could have at least let Dad teach you one time.’ But she said that she was going to at one point, but then she felt pressured by everyone trying to push her into doing it and she just rebelled against the whole idea.
I said, ‘Well, what’s done is done and you don’t ever have to worry about driving me around because I will never in your life let you drive me anywhere.
I will never get in a car with you if you’re behind the wheel.’ It got silent and the atmosphere was thick after that. My wife kept frowning at me and then after a while, I got up and said, ‘I’m going to go.
I need to go clear my head.’
Edit: To clarify, the part I’m most upset about is not even that she didn’t let me teach her how to drive, but that she didn’t even let me ride in the car with her one single time during the time she needed practice hours.
I’m a great driving instructor. I taught my 18-year-old and 17-year-old how to drive and they both passed on their first time. I’m teaching my 15-year-old daughter right now. I don’t yell and I’m very patient because I know how stressful it can be.
And I work with all styles. My 18-year-old was an extremely cautious driver, my 17-year-old was a speeder, and with the twins right now – one of them is an impatient driver (she cuts people off all the time) and the other is the most patient driver ever (she lets everybody cut her).
Also, people are saying I should have just told my daughter how I felt. I did. I couldn’t include everything but I did go to her and say, ‘You know, it kind of bothers me that you won’t even let me be in the car when you drive.’ She said she didn’t want me there because I might start giving her tips here and there, and she considered that as me teaching her.
I promised her I wouldn’t (and I don’t make promises lightly), but she still said no. This was before I complained to my wife. So I did try to talk to her.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You’re gonna let your daughter not wanting you to teach her how to drive get to you that much that you’ll now NEVER let her drive with you in the car?
Ever?
I do think you’re not seeing the entire reason why she didn’t want you to teach her. It doesn’t matter if you believe you’re a great teacher. Not every kid wants to be taught by their father, or mother.
There’s this unintentional pressure that she could have been feeling. She knows you better than we do, so my best guess, only judging from personal experience when my own father tried teaching me to drive at 16, is that she felt like she’d fail you if she did anything wrong with you trying to teach her and she didn’t want that.
Or, she might feel like you’re too strict and that’s not her style of learning, especially for something as important as driving. It’s not necessarily a slight against you; it’s more the fact that she needs a different way to learn and she didn’t feel like your way would be best for her.
You’re biased in your own teaching because that’s all you know. Your style may have worked with your other kids, but it doesn’t work with your 16-year-old. Holding that against her is very, very petty and you’re kind of showing why she was right in declining any help.
She doesn’t need to go to you for every little thing; it’s ok for her to want to learn from someone else that’s not family. For her, it was a better way to learn.
Don’t hold this against her. You really need to take a step back and look at it from her perspective and not from your own.” jdessy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you’re behaving like a toddler.
Your daughter told you she wanted to do it her way, she told her mother she wanted to impress you by doing it by herself but you’re still refusing to acknowledge it was her decision & her motivation.
Your edits show you still don’t think trying to force her to let you interfere in her lessons & capitulate to your wishes makes you wrong, you refuse to see any other point but your own.
You had a tantrum & spoilt the dinner that was meant to celebrate her passing her driving test, pouted instead of giving the toast then compounded your incredibly childish behavior by refusing to ever get in a car with her & when everyone didn’t cave to your petulance you stomped out to clear your head.
You owe your daughter a huge apology for behaving like a baby that couldn’t have its own way.” Kindly-Platform-2193
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but I feel like I should help you because some people were never taught as children to properly identify these emotions.
Especially men, but no not all men.
Your daughter hurt your feelings. Teaching your child to drive is YOUR JOB as a dad, the same as tying shoe laces, riding a bike, etc. It’s an important rite of passage.
She is already growing up way too fast and parenting is full of thankless nonsense jobs, this was one you actually looked forward to… and she just didn’t need you or even want your help… ouch.
Did she even think about how this would make you feel? The short answer is no. She didn’t think about you once in this because she is in fact a teenager.
They are selfish little beasts who only think about themselves… it’s who they are. Crappy, mean, underdeveloped adults… but that’s because they are underdeveloped.
Your daughter didn’t realize how important this was to you.
I also gently want to point out, you probably aren’t as gentle of a driving instructor as you think you are. If you think the tantrum you pulled at her celebration dinner is appropriate behavior, you have a very bad ability to judge the appropriateness of your own behavior.
You would not be a jerk if you told your daughter you were hurt by her behavior, but you didn’t stop there. We both know, there’s nothing you can do to get back this milestone moment with you and your daughter, you will never be the one who taught her to drive, and that won’t change.
You either consciously or subconsciously decided to punish her in a way that you felt fit the crime. A permanent pain and reminder that she messed up. A life sentence for throwing a mistake back in her face.
WHAT?! Why do you insist on hurting her as badly as she hurt you? She is a teen, her brain is still developing… in fact, her brain development is at a stage where she is instinctively seeking independence.
She’s doing things appropriate to her development stage… you are a fully grown adult. Society has higher expectations for you because you should know better.
You owe her a massive apology, first alone one-on-one with her.
Then again at the ‘do-over’ celebration in front of all the people you berated her in front of before. This isn’t to punish or embarrass you. (Although you should be embarrassed) but to show all your kids that you are capable of recognizing you made a mistake and are apologizing.
In case you are still thinking of being stubborn. A list of milestone you’ll miss if you don’t fix it. (All things I’ve done with my father after getting my driver’s license) celebrating the first job, Prom!, high school graduation, moving into the dorms, graduating college, first career job, meeting the man of my dreams, walking me down the aisle… the list goes on… are you behaving in a way that is going to make her want to include you in on these moments?
You have 2 more years of her living under your roof… then she gets to decide how big of a role you get in her life after that. It’s a two-year-long audition, how are you feeling about your chances right now?” julesB09
2. AITJ For Spending New Year's Eve With My Parents Instead Of My Partner?
“For the past week, I (18M) have been indecisive over spending new year’s with my parents, or my partner (18F).
3 days before new year’s I told my partner I was going to spend new year’s with her because my parents were going to a city I didn’t want to go to.
Later on, on the 31st I switched up on her literally last minute. I started crying and got sentimental over the fact I won’t spend it with my parents, who I love a lot.
At first, she was cool with it, but later on throughout the day she was telling me how terrible of a decision I made and that I made her feel like crap because I rose her hopes up and basically made her feel terrible overall.
I love my parents, and I hoped she understood it but she didn’t really seem like she had any empathy with it. But I do think I messed up by switching up last minute.
So… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for making plans and flip-flopping like this. You didn’t just decide to spend the day with your parents. You made plans with her, she set her expectations and plans based on that, then you canceled last minute – that was not okay.” thirdtryisthecharm
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You canceled something she was looking forward to last minute. It’s fine wanting to celebrate with your parents but don’t get someone’s hopes up and crush them.
Splitting time between family and relationship isn’t always easy but you can’t flip-flop like this.” LuluLucy-
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Imagine making plans with someone and this plan is something you are passionate about and excited about and then they cancel on you last minute.
Of course, you would feel bad, right?!
Spending your NYE with family doesn’t make you a jerk but what makes you the jerk is that you told your partner you would be spending it with her making her alone for NYE because she might have canceled some plans cause she thinks she would be spending it with you.” NightQueen6969
1. WIBTJ If I Keep Asking My Roommate To Wear His Earphones?
“So I live with two other roommates. One who’s a close friend, and the other… well, I don’t really like him let’s say it that way. We aren’t on the greatest terms.
Anyhow, he and I share a balcony, a closed balcony, with a window.
One of my few issues with him is that he smokes. Not that I can do much about it (which is why I don’t get to use it much because I can’t stand the smell), but we had an argument the other day about keeping the windows open in the winter, because if I have my window open in my room, and the balcony windows are closed, the smoke enters my room like some sort of vacuum, even if the door is shut.
Now the other issue is, for probably the same reason with sound waves (I’m guessing, if there are any physicists here who would like to elaborate?), I hear his videos that he keeps watching while he smokes on the balcony, and it’s quite irritating.
Whether I’m studying or just trying to relax, I don’t want to have to listen to his videos EVERY TIME he goes out for a smoke… (which is around 15 times a day, usually he stays there for like 10-15 minutes and about 30-45 minutes at the end of the day).
So I have asked him a few times before, and he didn’t respond but gave me like a ‘ya, ya leave me alone’ kind of look. And he did somewhat listen.
But he keeps on repeating that, even though I’ve told him several times.
Is it fair to keep asking him to put earphones on, while he’s on the shared balcony?
Not like I’m asking him to do that in his room…”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He’s smoking outside. Would you rather he smoke in the apartment? Close your windows and use headphones yourself or play background music or get a white noise machine.
If you want quiet and full control of the space you need to not live with roommates.” SuperLoris
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Simple and easy compromise for your roommate. They’re being inconsiderate.
Get a Bluetooth speaker and put it by the window and play something even louder. Bet they ask YOU to use headphones!” ickysticky1995
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, he’s chilling in a shared space, how about you get some headphones and close the window?
Coming from a non-smoker who hates the smell as well.” The_Math_Magician
