People Ask Themselves "Am I The Jerk?" In These Juicy Stories
20. AITJ For Calling My Husband A Bad Father For Putting His Adult Daughter's Birthday Over Christmas?
“When I met my husband “James” he had a 14-year-old daughter “Ella.” Ella and I never really bonded, as she doesn’t really like people. James always told me to leave Ella alone and respect her boundaries.
I do believe he took her “boundaries” too far in some cases, as Ella is now a 27-year-old woman, who refuses to speak when she doesn’t want to.
I have a 13-year-old daughter “Ava” (the pregnancy was a surprise, and I know the timing is bad that I got pregnant right around the time I met Ella), and honestly, I have always felt that James prefers Ella.
Ella is a lot like him personality-wise, and it is very subtle, but I feel like he loves Ella more. Ella never accepted her sister or I, but I’ve made peace with that because getting Ella to speak is literally like pulling teeth. Ava hates Ella, but she knows that she has to be civil to everyone.
Ella’s birthday is December 23rd, and as a result, James never made too big of a deal about Christmas. Her birthday always took priority. This became an issue when Ava was born. James had always promised Ella he would take her to Europe for her 16th birthday, and Ella was insistent it had to be on her actual birthday, so the Christmas when Ava was 2, he actually missed Christmas, and we had the first fight of our entire marriage.
He also told Ella crazy things, like if a man doesn’t make a big deal out of her birthday to dump his butt and that her birthday is much more important than Christmas. As a result, Ava complains every year that James cares more about Ella’s birthday than about Christmas and that she thinks Ella gets an unfair amount of dollars spent on her (her birthday are usually expensive, and two years ago, she had a December wedding, which James fully paid for).
Even that Christmas, he refused to not do something elaborate for her birthday and couldn’t understand why Ava was annoyed. Also, Ella hosts a huge Christmas Eve which we are all invited to, but Ava and I don’t go, due to it mostly being her husband’s family, so everything in December sometimes feels it is about Ella.
This year I feel bad because I couldn’t get Ava what she really wanted because it is out of stock, but Ella just had a baby, and my husband bought her a ring with the baby’s birthstone, which Ava knows about. Now Ella wants to go to Colorado for her birthday/Christmas Eve.
James said he is going to go because he can drive back and be home by about ten. I finally got annoyed and asked if he thinks he spends a fair amount of dollars/time/energy on Ella vs Ava, and I said he makes every Christmas about Ella and her birthday.
He said I was being unfair because Ella has never excluded me from her plans, though she is rude and doesn’t talk to me either. Finally, I snapped at him that he is a bad father because one of his kids is a grown freaking woman and one is not.
He is now upset and says that was mean to say, and I just don’t like Ella, and he “tries his best.””
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but maybe not for the reasons you think.
You seem to have some unresolved issues with Ella, referring in a couple of places to what appears to be a demand that she engages with you on your terms. That may be affecting Ella’s willingness to engage with you.
I mean, honestly, what on Earth are you suggesting with “she refuses to speak unless she wants to?” Surely as an individual adult, she should be able to determine when and to whom she speaks?
December children can’t help when they are born.
There’s nothing magical about Christmas in the sense that it must be invoked in any particular way.
It’s healthy for parents to have individual relationships with their children. It’s also natural that Ella would have a more sophisticated relationship as the significantly older child.
Have you considered offering to go on an adventure with Ella for her birthday/Xmas so James could have a Christmas adventure with Ava?” GulfKiwi
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Sorry, I’m a December child, born between Xmas and New Year. I wish someone actually made some kind of fuss about my birthday. Instead, my brother gets a fuss about his (months earlier), then it’s the fuss about Xmas for everyone, and then nothing for my birthday because it’s ‘covered in the Xmas period.’ Bullcrap.
Your husband does something for both his kids’ birthdays and nothing for both their Xmas’. Sounds fair to me. You clearly don’t like Ella, and Ava doesn’t like her either. Sounds to me you’d be happier with Ella out of your lives for good, huh?” NewStarbucksMember
Another User Comments:
“People on this sub hate step-parents. Why is it bad that op doesn’t love Ella as her own biological daughter when clearly Ella did not want a relationship with her? You can’t force a relationship with someone when that person, and their parent is telling you specifically to stop and to respect her boundaries.
Ella doesn’t just not like op; she doesn’t like her sister and has given this weird silent stare down to multiple people, so how exactly do you even reason with someone like that? Downvote me to heck, but op doesn’t HAVE to like her step-daughter, but she does have to be civil and treat her like a member of the family, even though any of that was shut down.
Op is NTJ for wanting her husband to put time and effort into his relationship with their daughter too. Op has stated that Ava feels left out, and that can cause some serious emotional scars to someone. Imagine being a literal toddler and Christmas being treated as if it didn’t matter because all the attention had to be on her sister.
He was a single dad that only had to focus his time and attention towards one daughter for 14 years, so it’s understandable, but he is being a bad father for not fostering that same care and love towards his other daughter. He should have gotten his daughter therapy for all the issues Ella faced with her mother, not showered her with lavish gifts and trips in order to hurry all the trauma she experienced.” Julissaherna692
19. AITJ For Being Honest With My Ex-Husband's Partner?
“I was married for 3 years. We divorced 2.5 years ago. The marriage was bad. I was stupid. I ignored a lot of warning signs because I was naïve. I got my son out of it, but I also know that might not be a great thing for my son.
My ex was a widower with kids when we met.
He seemed ready, seemed like he wanted to get with someone romantically, but there were signs that I missed or ignored or just was too dumb to do something about; I’m not sure. He talked about his wife all the time, had her photos and their wedding photos everywhere, everyone loved and adored her, and she was this saint in the family, someone who was perfect in every single way, and nobody would ever be as good as her.
His kids were especially unhappy about me, but nobody treated me well when I look back. I was compared to his wife, made to feel like I was trying to steal from her, made to feel like I was just unimportant in general.
It all unraveled when I became pregnant, and he revealed to me he never loved or had wanted to be with me, let alone marry me.
And he didn’t want our baby.
His kids sent me off with a big screw you, saying my son would never be part of the family, and they were right.
Someone must have mentioned me to the new girl. Because she reached out and asked me to be honest about why we broke up and why he wasn’t involved. I told her my story.
And what had happened. She confessed to me that his kids would taunt her, even the one who was in college, that they made her know she would never be accepted or wanted, and he was pressured to be with her.
After talking to her, some of his family found me on social media and told me it was not my place to tell her anything and that I ruined their relationship because she left him.
They said I should leave them alone since they leave me and my son alone.
Are they right?
Am I in the wrong here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She reached out to you for info. You didn’t seek her out. I’m just glad she did and that she took what you said and left him.
My ex and I have been divorced for over 20 years now. I’ve been married to a wonderful man for going on 21 years. My ex was an abusive jerk during our marriage. And then refused to sign divorce papers and also didn’t show up for the court date after I finally got him to fill out the paperwork for it.
I wanted nothing but my name back.
He has moved several times since then. Had a son with a teen when he was 30 that he never sees and doesn’t pay a dime towards. And he has had several “relationships” over this time. I know because for a while he would contact me through social media about it.
The relationships never worked out unsurprisingly. A few years ago, he contacted me and told me he was getting married and asked if I would send my copy of the divorce decree to him. I refused and gave him the info on how he could get a copy of his own.
In reality, I was hoping the other girl would come to her dang senses and run for the hills. No idea if they got married. But I’m guessing he’s still the miserable son of an idiot he’s always been.” LowkeyPony
Another User Comments:
“Free will, baby. If she found you, it’s not on you.
If she asked for your honest story, she wanted to hear it. She needed to hear it because, after she admitted as much, she was already getting some of the same treatment, so she simply cut her losses before she got pregnant, too.
I really do feel like you two were lucky to get away from him and his.
They are AWFUL excuses for human beings. Especially the offspring. They will never let that man move on. Never. They are holding him hostage because their mother died.
Good riddance to them. Your child doesn’t need to be mixed up with that head trip.
NOT the jerk. You did that woman a huge solid.
Who cares what those idiots say?! Not me. And neither should you.” auntie_stacey
The girl reached out to OP and asked for the truth, and she told it.
She left because she then knew the family had a toxic pattern of abusing and ridiculing whoever the ex gets as a partner.
If they don't want people knowing about that behavior, then maybe they should start acting like decent human beings.
18. AITJ For Making My Pregnant Wife Sleep In Another Room?
“Before everyone makes up their judgment from the title alone, please read it to its entirety.
So my wife is 5 months pregnant.
The pregnancy has been quite difficult for the both of us. She has hyperemesis gravidarum, and it is extremely stressful on her, hence she is not able to work even part-time, and I have to pick up most of the slack; I work full time from 8 am to 7 pm.
For the past two months, my wife has had a difficult time sleeping worsened by insomnia.
There is a lot of twists and turns and getting up to go to the bathroom every few minutes. It absolutely destroys my sleep. I don’t want to sound like a jerk, but I have to wake up early for work, and because I am a sensitive sleeper, I jolt awake easy with all the sudden movements.
I had put up with it for a month till I decided I could not deal with it anymore. I was only getting 5 hours of sleep, and being in the tech industry, it is super hard to function with limited sleep. I had brought this up to her mildly and respectfully, and she completely understood.
She relocated to a separate room, and recently when her parents came to visit us, she had casually joked about how she sleeps in a different room. My mother-in-law did not take this lightly and pulled me aside on why I have done this. I explained my defense, and she said it is the least I could do to help her.
It’s not like I can actively help her anyway with her sleep problems? We went back and forth for a while until my wife chimed in and said it is no bother, and we should leave it be.
I had a small argument with my wife after they left (for bringing it up in front of them), and I feel really guilty.
We have made up, but it got me thinking if I am the jerk for really making her sleep in a separate room or if I am just looking out for my health.
Edit: I have read through most of the replies here, and only some have really understood my intention.
The other room my wife is sleeping in is as spacious as mine. Our original room has aircon; the guest room which she sleeps in does not. She does NOT like the aircon anyway, and the bed is as big maybe even bigger than our original one. It also has a toilet; I would also help her if she needs anything or has an emergency.
What are you going to do when the baby comes, you wonder?
Take shifts and plan our schedules, and I will pick up the slack where she can’t and vice versa. Most of the feeding is probably going to be done by her as she plans to breastfeed, but if she switches to formula, I would happily spend time feeding my child, so no worries about that.”
Another User Comments:
“If she agreed to it happily, the NTJ, but for your awareness, HG is a very lonely illness. Not many people understand how hard it really is. Also, I’m concerned about how you will manage once the baby arrives? You say you’ll take it in shifts, but it doesn’t really work that way.
Your sleep will be interrupted whether you like it or not, and you’ll have to get used to it. What will you do then? Will she and the baby move into another room again?” NotMyCircus170
Another User Comments:
“I was with you up until the whole, “I got in an argument with her” after her parents left. Dude… She accommodated your sleeping needs, and she stood up for you in front of her parents.
Her mom goes off on you, and you take it out on your wife? What? That makes no sense. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, or in this case, the hand that helps you. You were frustrated with being made to feel guilty by her mom. Your frustrations lie within and with the mom.
Why the heck did you chew your wife out for it? She didn’t do anything wrong except exist whilst you were frustrated/mad.
I know this was probably just something small, but you should think about it and start to ask yourself who you should really be mad at in these moments before going off on the wrong person.
Your sleep will be absolutely wrecked when the baby comes. You will be incredibly irritable all day, every day most likely. You need to have better self-control. This may have been a small thing this time, but you don’t know how the baby’s arrival will affect you and for how long.
My sibling and I had night terrors almost every night until the age of 6. Probably wrecked my parents’ sleep incredibly with that. But did they take it out on the innocent? No. Not that I’m aware of.
And if you really go off on your wife, or say your boss, every time with misplaced anger/frustration, you’ll be looking further down the barrel of being reprimanded at work or divorced by your wife eventually.
No one deserves to be the emotional punching bag of misplaced frustrations…
Please remember to be kind to those around you. Figure out a way to redirect that bad energy or at least make it implosive instead of explosive and hurt yourself instead of the innocent around you. The best would definitely be to completely redirect the energy into something like a boxing dummy or a relaxing hobby though so no one has to implode/explode.
Your actions were selfish and explosive, but not selfish enough to get a full YTJ. I would say a light YTJ on this one. But you can always learn and do better in the future! Good luck! I think we all know you’re going to need it.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know why everyone is infantilizing the wife. She’s a big girl who I’m sure is okay with where she sleeps. Y’all are just trying to find a problem with SOMETHING. They are TWO grown adults, they decided they can’t sleep together, and made the decision to split rooms. I don’t know why everyone is acting like he made her sleep in a shed outside or something.
Not to mention, I’m sure if she was too uncomfortable, they would accommodate for that and switch rooms. Sleeping in the guest room isn’t so unfamiliar to be that uncomfortable; otherwise, he would have gone. Can we PUHLEASE stop assuming that there’s some sort of malicious undertone to this?
It’s very simple: he can’t sleep cause he works long days. I’m sure he understands a baby will also wake him up.
But there isn’t a baby here currently, so why should he lose sleep now, just to have even worse sleep later? How is he going to be able to work or do his part if he’s run into the ground?
He can’t give what he doesn’t have, and we can’t assume he’s using this as an opportunity to forgo his duties as a father because he wanted to sleep.
Geesh, these comments are insane! He understands that she’s struggling. He doesn’t need two billion people talking down to him and giving him horror stories of parents that Martyr themselves to seem like the “best” parent.
The only reward you get for suffering is more suffering.
The mother-in-law is a moot point for me. The only people that matter are you two, so support your wife, bring her chocolates and face masks, give her a big ole kiss for going through so much, and then have a spa day, and SLEEP in separate rooms. NTJ.” throwRAhelp331
17. AITJ For Refusing To Cook Even Though My Man Cooked For A Whole Year?
“Last year, my (29F) partner (29M) was not working, so he took over most of the cooking.
He’s an amazing cook, and he had a lot of time on his hands, so his meals were very fancy/time-consuming, for example, slow-cooked pork or roast lamb, or meals with 3 sides and dessert, as well as homemade bread.
I was very grateful and expressed my gratitude a lot.
He’s back to work, and I’ve been cooking nearly all meals now; however, I’m also working full time and will batch cook things or make quick meals (all homemade, but burgers and chips or a huge batch of lasagna to freeze instead of his very varied and fancy meals).
The last few months, he’s been complaining about the meals, saying when he was cooking, he would never repeat the same meal 2 weeks in a row or making comments about how he would’ve added more cumin or whatever.
He also asks me what’s for dinner, and if he isn’t in the mood for it, he asks me to change the meal, which I did a few times, but I’m now fed up with it.
I asked him to stop, but he said it was all constructive criticism and that he used to take requests from me.
I’m a good cook and a lot of friends can confirm that, I’m just not as fancy. He has cooked maybe twice since April when he went back to work.
We were having vegan curry (homemade) the other day since he’s been saying that we need to eat more vegetarian and vegan food, and he got upset about how the carrots were cut too chunky. I got really annoyed because I never made any negative comments when he was cooking, and the next day, I froze all extra portions and told him to figure out dinner himself.
He said that I was a jerk because his meals were always really fancy, and now he’s coming home to pasta or basic stuff and that I need to take constructive criticism. I told him I’m no longer making anything for him. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
When he was being a fancy chef, he was UNEMPLOYED. You are working full time. You don’t have the free time to devote to fancy meals.
Since you’re both working full time, he should be responsible for half the cooking. If he has the time and inclination to go all out on his cooking days, he can feel free.
You are providing homemade meals, which is more than a lot of people who work full time are able to do. A lot of us just get takeout or microwave a frozen meal.
His claim that it was just ‘constructive criticism’ is complete bullcrap as well. He’s just trying to justify his entitled behavior.” Sweet_Baby_Grogu
Another User Comments:
“So you both work full time and yet 100% of the cooking has fallen to you- why is that?
Regardless of his criticism, you shouldn’t be doing 100% of the cooking unless he is taking on other chores to make the split of work equal.
Now, you do not “need” to take “constructive criticism.” Criticism should always be asked for – asking someone to edit a paper, asking someone if they like the dress you picked out, etc. If I ask my partner if he likes something, he is free to say yes, no, or “yes, but change it.” I am not inviting criticism simply by existing and neither are you.
No, you do not need to take “constructive criticism” when you cook; people can eat it or not eat it.
He is taking things that are typical in relationships- yes you can request meals, yes you can like/not like certain foods- and taking it all the way to “I don’t have to express any gratitude and can force you to do things the exact way I want them done.”
I would calmly let him know that this cooking arrangement isn’t working. You two have different expectations of what it entails, and you aren’t going to fight about it anymore or feel bad about what you cook. So now you can each sort out your own food. NTJ.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I don’t understand how you ended up in this situation. You’re both working full time, which means you should split cooking dinner.
Obviously, he doesn’t deserve you to cook for him at all right now, but I suggest if you actually want this relationship to continue, just cook for yourself for a few weeks, then sit him down and firmly suggest a proper breakdown of chores.
You both work full-time.
It doesn’t matter that he cooked for a year, that wasn’t something you have to repay — he was out of work, that was his contribution. He chose to make all the extra effort because he had spare time (and quite likely because cooking is something he enjoys).
You are not his maid, and clearly, he does not respect your time.” ViolaVetch75
16. AITJ For Telling My Best Friend I Can't Afford Her Wedding?
“I (21 F) and my childhood bestie have always been friends. She got engaged 5 months ago to her man of 6 months. We had planned our weddings since we were 14, and she wanted a castle wedding with a ballgown. Two months ago, she found her dream castle in which she booked the wedding in 4 months.
She just asked for a $280 dress for us, plus for us to pay 1/10 of her $2,000 wedding dress. There are 6 bridesmaids, which is $200 plus a $14,000 bachelorette party which comes out to $2,333.34 per person and a $600 bridal shower. The total is $2,913.34, which I can’t afford. I am still in university and finish in a few months before the wedding, but I am $100,000 in debt.
I told her I can’t pay for her wedding dress and her $14,000 bachelorette party. That doesn’t even include the flight. She wanted us to also pay for makeup and hair. She also wants my hair dirty blonde; I am a redhead and can’t dye it back. She also wants us to get her wedding gifts from the registry and pay for our own dinner.
I told her at this point, I can’t afford that, and she freaked out saying I am a jerk ’cause it’s her big day, and I helped her plan it at 14. I told her I am not in a financial situation to do this, but I can try to work my butt off to afford it.
AITJ if I tell her I can’t afford this? I don’t want to ruin her wedding and our friendship.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
There are a couple things on your list that are “normal,” but there are several items that are NOT okay. The bridal party doesn’t pay for the bride’s dress, buy their wedding dinner, and the bride doesn’t get to demand an expensive bachelorette party.
Drop out. She’s having a wedding she can’t afford on the backs of her friends and family. Let her do it without you.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“Brides have no say over hair color, and they may make requests about hairstyle – but that’s all it is: a request/suggestion.
Ditto for makeup and nails. Unless she is paying for your hair to be styled, makeup to be done, and nails to be painted, etc. – it’s none of her business.
Asking friends to pay for a dress… is tasteless.
Your ‘bestie’ is a bridezilla, and you should simply tell her, “I’d love to attend your wedding as a guest, but I won’t be able to participate as a bridesmaid,” which is entirely valid.
Weddings can be really tricky, and sometimes the bride and groom can run away with budgets and forget to consider that their wedding is only a single event to guests. For them, it may be THE event, but usually, people are mindful about cost burdens.
NTJ.” MetalDevils
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely not. She clearly can’t afford this dream wedding of hers, and it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to fund it for her. She needs a reality check and to live within her means. She’s got some serious nerve to ask other people to pay that much for a wedding that isn’t even their own.
She can’t even afford it but thinks you guys should be able to? If she can’t afford the wedding she wants, she can either save for it or not get married. And I mean… it’s been 5 months with this guy.
There’s no question that you should back out.
It’s tacky as heck to tell people they need to pay for their own plates at someone else’s party, and it sure as heck is not normal to expect your bridesmaids to pay for the bride’s dress.
You just tell her again, that her requests are unreasonable, unrealistic, and that you will not be putting yourself further into debt to fund her wedding.
You aren’t 14 anymore. It’s one thing to daydream about your wedding and all the extravagant details you would want and another entirely to make it a reality.
You don’t need to be working even harder to pay for parts of someone else’s wedding that are not ever the responsibility of the bridesmaids.
Tell her you love her, but it’s just not doable. The only reasonable and normal thing to pay for is the dress for yourself. Sure, a bachelorette party but certainly not one that costs $10,000+. She’s acting like an entitled jerk bridezilla.
NTJ, but you will be if you run yourself ragged trying to please this girl.” ambamshazam
15. AITJ For Telling My Future MIL I Don't Want Her Engagement Ring To Be Passed Down To Me?
“I (F26) have been with my partner Adam (M30) for 4 years.
I’m not too close to his family but was close to my former sister-in-law (brother-in-law’s now ex-wife).
My future mother-in-law gave her engagement ring to my brother-in-law to propose to my sister-in-law 3 years ago. It’s an important tradition in the family to pass down the ring, and since they have no daughters/sisters, then the ring went to my brother-in-law’s ex-wife.
After the separation, my brother-in-law got the ring back and decided to focus on his kids. Now, since everyone knows that Adam and I are planning to make our relationship official and pursue marriage which is our goal, his mother suggested he propose with her engagement ring that my brother-in-law already proposed with to his now-ex as mentioned above.
Adam was excited with the idea, but I was uncomfortable solely by the fact that this ring was proposed to with more than once, and also, it belonged to my former sister-in-law for years, and she had memories attached to it. I feel like that ring already had more than one love story, and I feel I have the right to wear a ring that represents our relationship and one that belongs to me and Adam.
My future mother-in-law wasn’t happy with my opinion and invited me to the church where she hangs out most of the time to talk and explained that it’s a must for Adam as the youngest to carry the tradition and propose with this ring, and it was disrespectful of me to not want it or have an issue with it since it’s of high sentimental value.
I explained why I had an issue with it, but she implied I clearly wanted a “more shiny and expensive one.”
After basically shaming and wearing me down for hours about it, I flat out told her that is between me and Adam, but he agreed with her and said my logic doesn’t make sense and asked if I’d refuse to buy an apartment just because someone else owned it… but an apartment is different than an engagement, which in my opinion, should be a symbol of our love, but my statement was met with an, “I don’t get it.
Do you really think a ring is more important than us being on the same page and understanding each other? Besides, that’s what my mom wants, and to be completely honest with you here, I’m just trying to keep the peace and stay on her good side, which is what you should be doing TOO right now instead of already starting unnecessary drama and setting a bad tone for your relationship with mom.”
I asked why he thought his mom’s opinion was equal or more important than mine, and he got offended and said I was insulting his mom, and he won’t let me do that next time. He refused to discuss it any further saying this was a ridiculous hill for me to choose to die on and should be honored to be given the opportunity to hold on to something as valuable as his mom’s engagement ring.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you can see how this relationship is going to go forever… His mother will always be more important than you, and he will appease her anytime she starts drama. The fact he is explicitly putting in these terms already shows he knows she will.
Is this something you’re prepared to deal with for the rest of your life?” certain_people
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s completely understandable why you don’t want the ring that was once used by your ex-sister-in-law, especially since you’re still friends with her. Why can’t they just skip this generation, and if your partner or his brother has kids, the ring gets passed down to them?
It’s weird to me that women are just expected to love whatever ring they’re given. My husband and I had many discussions about the type of rings I did NOT want and looked through many photos. Ultimately, he chose the ring, but I made it clear it had to fit the criteria of what I would wear.
And to be clear, it wasn’t “I WANT A HUUUUGE DIAMOND.” I wanted something small, didn’t have a very tall profile, and was square-ish.
If you really want to marry your partner and want everyone to be happy, you can accept the ring, but make it clear you won’t be wearing it and will be taking it for tradition only.” Wallflowerheart
Another User Comments:
“OP, I realize the current question is about your engagement ring, and I’ll give my judgment on that at the end, but I’m here from the future to beg you to take a few steps back to see the much bigger and important picture.
You and your fiancé are getting engaged and determining the ring, which should be a private affair between the two of you.
And, yet, it is not and the only person surprised by this is you. FMIL has inserted herself, declared her decree, and everyone, but you, are fully ready to bow down and “keep the peace.” The reason for this is that your FMIL has spent your fiancé’s lifetime brainwashing and training him to keep her happy and fear upsetting her.
Also, depending on her prowess, there are probably some b********s hardwired in there to catch any future significant other trying to undo her hard work, by warning that women typically try to sabotage the relationship of a mother and her son so that they can take advantage however they want.
As such, I urge you to take the patterns of this situation: a private matter, FMIL imposing her will, FMIL taking you aside to wear you down for hours, and fiancé taking her side simply to “keep the peace” and apply it to every future special event in your life – holidays, vacations, family time, wedding, house, babies, etc.
I say this because fighting my MIL’s preferences/traditions/desires and making my husband care more about what I want than what she wants has taken up way too much of my marriage. My husband is the very best of men and absolutely the man for me, but some serious damage and hurt has been done in the process, and my MiL is still a very big presence in our lives, albeit so much more manageable that it’s practically a pleasant relationship at this point.
And here’s what I really want to drive home: for all of her faults, my MIL has never tried to wear me down herself. Yours has. Meaning that she’s the much bigger monster that mine only dreamed she was. It’s very true that you marry the family, too, so, as you’re still deciding whether or not to marry this guy, keep this top of your mind.
Regarding the ring situation: NTJ. It’s your ring and what you have to wear every day. You should be able to have something you love, as long as it works with your fiancé’s budget, etc. I don’t see why the ring couldn’t go to the BIL’s daughter or even sons, as it was their mother’s ring for a while.” MamaofTwinDragons
That's a threat. He threatened OP by implying something bad will happen if she said something he perceives as "insulting" to his mother, who, based on his insistence on doing what she wants to "keep the peace" clearly is, and always will be, the number one woman in his life.
Those are two bright neon red flags flapping in the wind.
OP needs ro put the ring thing aside for a moment and actually ponder whether or not tying herself to this family is a good idea.
That being said, OP is NTJ for the ring situation.
14. AITJ For Throwing My Cancer In Someone's Face During A Video Call?
“I worked under Bob and Jane at a fairly large company as a middle-manager.
When a new director took over who clashed with Bob and Jane, Jane left and Bob was let go shortly after. Jane had trashed Bob to the new director before she left which ended up getting him fired. I think she was trying to score points with the new boss.
Bob and Jane are longtime friends. She blamed me for Bob getting fired, saying that I wanted his job, so I did what I could to make sure it happened (I ended up with Jane’s job after they both left). Bob has since gotten a job with a competitor organization, but we still run into each other at meetings (we’re public sector).
I’ve honestly never liked Bob because of his racist and misoginist comments, but after he thought I got him fired, he would constantly make digs at me in these meetings. I always brushed it off for 2 years, but the last meeting just sent me over the edge.
Bob hopped on the video call in front of 45 other colleagues from across the country and said, “Hey, you!
Looks like you put on 30 or 40 lbs. You enjoyed quarantine, didn’t you?” When Bob left, I was going through chemo and had lost a lot of weight. So on the call, I fired back, “Yeah, well, you know now that I beat cancer, I’m happy that I can finally get back to being healthy again!”
The call got silent, and Bob immediately left. Some of my colleagues messaged me and told me that was uncalled for. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why the heck would he comment on your weight during a meeting? Completely inappropriate and deserved an honest response – which you provided. You said nothing offensive, just the truth.
Your colleagues are jerks too for saying it was uncalled for. What he said was uncalled for. You just responded.
Man, Bob is the worse.” disindiantho
Another User Comments:
“Congratulations on your recovery!
It’s not ideal to respond in that way to Bob – but not for the reason you might think.
Bob says these things to you to get a rise – if he makes you upset, he has power over the situation. I don’t think you’re a jerk for responding how you did but better would have been, “Bob, making personal comments in these calls is highly inappropriate and unprofessional.” Make it about his behavior, and that keeps you in the right and makes him look terrible.
Now he knows what he has to do to bait you to escalate the situation.
NTJ, but you should practice strategies with a trusted friend, or even in the mirror, for how you will respond to Bob in the future if you must keep seeing him for business purposes.” DonkeyLost11
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s salty and tried to call you out in front of everyone and fat shame you. He threw out a jab, and you threw an uppercut. His comment was uncalled for and out of line, and you shut him down.
I don’t know why a coworker would say you were in the wrong.
I had a similar situation where I work. Someone made an allegation against my department based on a false assumption. My coworker shut him down hard saying she talked to the person and got it taken care of that day. The person just sat there speechless and embarrassed I’m sure.
That happened almost 2 years ago, and even now, we still bring it up, “Remember when you made that person eat his words in front of everyone? That was awesome!” mphsnative
13. AITJ For Cooking And Cleaning For My Roommate, Even Though It Upsets His Girl?
“For nearly two years, I’ve been working from home, and I (26f) live with 3 guys; let’s call them Tom, D**k, and Harry. They all have started to pay me to make them breakfast, lunch (they are back into work, and I make them packed lunch now), and dinner from Monday to Friday and extra for weekends.
They also pay me to clean the house. We used to have a housekeeper who cleaned the shared areas 3 times a week but had to let her go. I also get paid extra for laundry, ironing, etc.
Harry’s girl thinks I’m stealing him from her. Harry started to see “Sue” over the past 5 months, and since that day, she has complained about me.
She finally got the courage needed to tell me directly what her issue is with me, and she started saying that I’m acting like a wife to the guys and that I’m butting into their relationship. I just told her it’s not my problem to worry about their relationship and that I’m just trying to make my income.
I told my friend about what’s been happening, and she says I’m being a bit of an inconsiderate jerk.
I don’t know why I’m a jerk for doing a paid job. It’s not like I’m interested in ever getting with any of the guys.
I get paid to be a cook, a cleaner, and home organizer.
I get paid $1,200 for 3 meals and snacks a day for 5 days a week per person, extra for weekends. I also make a total of $800 a month for just cleaning the shared areas and extra for laundry, ironing, cleaning, and organizing their bedrooms. Breakfast is served every morning from 6 am to 7 am (except for weekends when it’s served 9 am to 10 am), lunch/packed lunch at 1 pm, and dinner at 7 pm.
All meals are planned one month ahead. Cleaning is done on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. Any extra cleaning or cooking is also paid. I make anything from $3,800 to $5,000 a month total with very little travel cost except for the occasional grocery shopping for supplies, supplies I don’t pay for.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Sue’s being ridiculous. She needs to worry about how Harry cannot/will not cook or clean up after himself and what that means for their future and not fuss herself about you.
We’re making lunches for a friend’s husband – $200/week for 5 packed lunches, and the niblings divide it between themselves using a complex self-devised formula.
They parked a jar on the counter and point at it when anyone joins us for breakfast or other meals. They’re pretty enterprising.” Pretend-Panda
Another User Comments:
“First off, Harry is a wimp. If his girl is mad, he can’t speak to her about it, so she goes to you and states her discomfort, but where is Harry?
This was his plan, and he’s just MIA from all of this? What on Earth?
NTJ. Harry and Sue got some funky communication issues.
Make your bank, flip them eggs, clean it up. Unless your “employers” say otherwise.” crrtckelvr
Another User Comments:
“I would side with the girl if you only did it for her man, OR you did it for free, but this is clearly a job for you and a pretty good one.
She still has the right to be uncomfortable with it because it’s not the usual scenario with opposite-gender housemates, but it’s up to her in her relationship to ask her man to stop. NTJ, you just keep making your income.” rounsivil
12. AITJ For Telling My Husband If He Wants To Invite His Spoiled Brat Daughter To Christmas, Then He Can Cook?
“My husband “Rob” and I married later in life and each have one daughter from a previous relationship. I’m going to refer to my stepdaughter as “Maggie.” To be 100% honest, I would not have even considered marrying Rob if Maggie had been underage. She is extremely difficult. I blame Rob and his ex for a lot of it, but some of it seems beyond anyone’s control.
She has never worked a day in her life. She was never held accountable for being a mean girl in school, and even as an adult, she throws tantrums. I have seen her throw herself to the ground, cry until she can’t breathe. Her husband responds by treating her like an actual toddler, tickling, rocking; it is very weird.
She is 35 now, has two kids, but they are always with the nanny, and she just seems unaware of her privilege. She is unhealthily obsessed with her husband and calls Rob during the day, despite him still working full time and demands attention because she just doesn’t know what to do with herself when her husband is at work.
I’m not trying to be some wicked stepmother, but this woman is annoying. Last Christmas, I made her a homemade sweater, and she loved it (she picked the colors and design), and she found out my daughter had the same one in a different color and cried and accused me of wanting to humiliate her.
She constantly is smug about what her husband buys her and tries to imply that my daughter is poor, despite my son-in-law making an excellent salary. When anyone else is getting attention, she bounces around, clings to her husband, or causes some scene to put the attention back on her.
In the past, when I asked her to help me in the kitchen, she threw a fit (despite liking to cook) because she didn’t want to be in the kitchen with me, my daughter, my sister, and my niece, because she thinks we talk crap about her, which I think really translates to she made a fool of herself trying to upstage my daughter at her wedding, and my family witnessed that.
Anyway, she normally does Christmas at her house. I don’t go because I want to spend Christmas with my daughter and because Maggie is a lot. Maggie isn’t hosting this year because of a minor surgery (ruptured breast implant), but she doesn’t want to do all that cooking, which is fine, but Rob wants me to host this year and invite both of our daughters, and he cites that my daughter just had a baby and shouldn’t have to cook either (I was going to go to her house and cook).
I said I don’t really feel like spending Christmas with Maggie because of her behavior, and my daughter should relax, which is impossible with Maggie bouncing off the walls and talking a mile a minute. He accused me of just not liking his daughter. I said if he wants to host Maggie and her husband, he can cook (he can’t), and I will go to my daughter’s like planned. He thinks I’m being unfair because it is Christmas, and she is his only ***** family, and he feels I would be angry if he did the same with my daughter.
And for all the people wondering what Maggie did at the wedding- she wore a very over-the-top dress which was so beaded and sparkly, even she was uncomfortable at some point due to it being scratchy and made a joke about how my daughter isn’t in love and only like 1% of people can actually experience love, and we aren’t deep enough.
She threw a fit about that. She was going to pass out because it was hot and demanded food. It was kind of warm, but she has no health issues that should make it so she needs cake that moment or will die. She complained about the food and complained that my daughter was getting attention.
Her husband got intoxicated and was sucking all over her, and she ended the night by loudly announcing that her parents didn’t love her enough.”
Another User Comments:
“When I first began reading, I was appalled thinking you were talking about a *************. Then seeing she’s 35, I was shocked. Clearly, she has issues, and honestly, her parents didn’t do anything to nip that in the bud and aren’t setting boundaries now.
It sounds like an insufferable situation. I’d say NTJ. Your husband needs to set boundaries and also respect yours. His daughter isn’t a child regardless of her behavior. Does her husband put up with her behavior as well? Are her children acting similarly? If so, God save them.
You don’t need to cook for this 35-year-old, especially considering this wasn’t going to be part of your Christmas plan.
It’s not like you’re inviting everyone over and cooking for them, leaving her to fend for herself. Sounds like an entitled brat.” thekatamarikid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should follow through with your plans to go to your daughter’s house and cook for her. This may be unpopular, but I think you should have your husband go with you to meet the new baby.
His daughter is a grown woman with a nanny. Clearly, she could hire a caterer and spend some time with her own nuclear family.
Her insistence on having all the attention is pathological. It’s also very divisive. You are married to her father and should spend the time with your husband.
It’s unreasonable for her to expect her father to cater to her. Doesn’t she have a mother? It’s high time that you and your husband prioritize your marriage and stop treating his daughter like a dependent child. Her husband bought that ticket.
Create some boundaries. Do not invite her to your home anymore.
When she has a meltdown, you need to leave. Perhaps suggest she needs a nap and remove yourself. Her behavior is not likely to change, but yours can. It’s time to have a come-to Jesus talk with your husband. Maybe marital counseling will help him understand the unhealthy dynamics he has been reinforcing.
Please update.” Stardust68
Don't you let ANYBODY change those plans on you! And that new baby does NOT need o'l tooty fruity around either...... don't let anybody talk you in to that! She's a big girl, she'll figure it out
11. AITJ For Buying My Daughter A Bible?
“I bought my Hindu daughter (14F) a Bible because she wanted one. I asked her why, and she said she wanted to read all the holy books and pull out their similarities and compile them to form the basis of one supreme religion. She also said that she has no right to criticize any religion without knowing about it (she’s a hardcore atheist).
I was a bit weirded out but… teens, I guess. I got it for her and told her to not let her mom see.
Take a wild, wild guess. Her mom, my wife, saw my daughter reading it. And all heck broke loose. She screamed at me for trying to “convert” her daughter (when my daughter has already renounced any and all religion and does not even portray herself as a Hindu) and that she would grow up thinking that Christianity is better than Hinduism.
Here my daughter chimed in, saying she couldn’t care less about any religion and was just reading the Bible because she wanted to. My wife yelled at her, asking why she didn’t read the Bhagavad Gita then (holy Hindu book), and my daughter simply replied that she didn’t want to.
My wife started screaming again, saying that she was too “young” to make her own choices, and she wouldn’t listen to a teenager who used baby toothpaste. My daughter was like, “Ok? Dad paid for the book; I’m reading it. Where do you come in the transaction?” At which point my wife called my daughter “disrespectful” and went back to her silent treatment.
My daughter shrugged and went back to doing whatever, and I’m here now. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I hope you realize how wildly impressive your daughter is. It isn’t just a “teen thing.” You have a daughter who wants to take the time to collect facts before making judgments.
And a daughter smart enough to realize that basically, all major religions run off the same core principles, and once you realize that, you can understand that no one is superior, and it ultimately does not matter how you identify.
I’m sorry for your family drama, but I applaud you and your wife as parents because, clearly, you are doing something right with your child.
She sounds brilliant, truly. Please continue to encourage her intellectual explorations.” Plenty_Anything8552
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your wife however is. You cannot force a religion onto someone who has their own brain. Sorry, but that doesn’t work. If you hadn’t bought her one, she probably would’ve somehow gotten one herself, and her mother would have no say in general. Forcing a religion isn’t going to make your daughter portray herself as Hindu.
In fact, it’s going to make her dislike the religion more.” zZombi__
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for buying her a book. Your daughter wanted to educate herself and asked you for help in acquiring the educational tools needed. I don’t see any problem with that.
YTJ for not addressing your wife’s clear dislike for your daughter.
Your post history shows that she has some serious problems with her and how you parent her. You two need to be a team, and if that’s not possible, you need to protect your daughter and not let your wife bully her simply for growing up and existing as an individual. Get some family counseling please.” wooden-waistcoat
10. AITJ For Bringing My Own Food To A Family Dinner At My In-Laws' House?
“I’ve been with my husband for 4 years, and we had an elopement during the summer. My in-laws are very traditional, and they didn’t want to invite me to their house for an event or dinner unless we were married. So for 4 years, I’ve never been invited to family dinners, whether it’s birthdays, holidays, anything really.
I was only allowed to visit for a casual hang out with them but not be part of the “official gatherings.” I didn’t like that and neither did my husband, but they’re very traditional. There’s been a lot of conflict about this because my husband chose to spend holidays with me for the past 2 years, and since my in-laws didn’t allow me in their house, we spent the holidays either with my family or our friends.
Now that we are married, although not through a traditional wedding (in-laws weren’t happy about it, but we are legally married, so there’s not much they can say anyway), they’ve started inviting me to their family gatherings. Since we got married, there had not been any events, and the first was a few days ago at my father-in-law’s birthday dinner.
I’m vegetarian, and while I still eat dairy, I don’t eat meat. My husband told my mother-in-law if she could prepare some vegetarian options for me as well, and it doesn’t have to be something difficult, even some beans or a salad I would be fine with. My mother-in-law refused and said the main dish is steak.
She refused to make a simple salad with tomato and lettuce. I told my husband that I’ll have no choice but to prepare my own food to eat.
So I brought my own food, and my in-laws got mad at me and called me disrespectful. My mother-in-law said that I didn’t even bother appreciating her cooking and insulted me for my vegetarian choices.
My husband told them to knock it off and that they’re being unreasonable, but my in-laws, including my sister-in-law who’s not as traditional as them, told me that bringing my own food to eat at another house is disrespectful no matter the circumstances. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can’t imagine why you’re going there at all and not sure where to start.
For four years, they never invited you to family gatherings, just because you weren’t married‽ Traditional is one thing; that’s just rude and controlling. And your now-husband was fine with this‽ YOU were okay with it? That needed to stop at least a year in. Don’t share a room there?
Fine. But to be completely ignored? I would have been livid.
And they said YOU were the rude one when you were finally invited because they refused to compromise at all‽
You need to talk to your husband, tell him he needs to pick a side- yours, and then come up with a plan you both can live with, and I see couple of choices:
If you’re feeling real forgiving, tell hubby they get one more chance and then you both go no contact.
Or, tell your hubby he’s welcome to go, but you won’t go just to be their target, and you go no contact.
Or, continue to go, tell hubby he needs to handle them (it’s his family) and just ignore them — take your own food, dress however you want, say what you think, leave if it gets too bad.
Hubby must go with you.” Administrative-Way60
Another User Comments:
“Ho boy, I’m going with NTJ. If I’m a host, I will go out of my way to ensure my guests’ preferences are met. Even if I have to drive far. In my opinion, vegetarian food is the simplest and sometimes the cheapest food to make, especially if you’re okay with salad, and you don’t mind dairy.
How easy is that as a host?! You wouldn’t have brought your own food if they had added one or two vegetarian dishes. And if you did, they should be grateful you added some extra to share with them. I’d be delighted if a friend brings food as well. Being traditional is not an excuse to be jerks.
They’re the jerks, and you’re not.
By the way, congrats on marrying a very good man who will protect you from toxic in-laws. Screw them and their ‘traditional’ views, and have a good and unproblematic, non-traditional life.” Rookie2255
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Including meat in every single dish is wild!
I’ve never heard of that. What the heck are the side dishes? 99.9% of meals have something vegetarian on the side; it’s like she added bacon to the mashed potatoes as a power move or something.
Also, if she really was planning on preparing a steak dinner with sides of pot roast mashed potatoes and short rib Brussels sprouts, you offering to bring your own food is a great solution.” iwanttoquiteposting
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother-in-law refused to cook something vegetarian. So I didn’t see a problem bringing your own food.
If you want to keep the peace next time, maybe offer to bring a dish to share that is vegetarian? (For example- salad for everyone or a veggie pasta) That way, it looks like you were bringing food for everyone and not just yourself.
If no one eats it, you now have leftovers for lunch the next couple of days. You don’t have to do this, by the way, just some advice.” Mindless-Mountain-73
They refused to accommodate OP in any way, shape, or form, so she brought something she could eat. Apparently the in-laws and SIL would've preferred that OP went hungry, which is both ridiculous and unreasonable.
OP needs to just avoid gatherings with them in the future. Her husband can go, but she shouldn't have to.
9. AITJ For Giving My Husband's PS5 To My Nephew?
Act like a kid? Get treated like one.
“I am a 35-year-old woman, and my husband is 37. I discovered the other day he had bought a PS5 as a gift for himself, but the thing is, he used my bank account to do so without my permission, using a portion of my emergency savings that he had access to in case of, you know, an emergency, which I do not believe being able to get your hands on a new video game console classifies as.
This led to a huge argument, and I took the console away and reboxed it up. I debated on returning it to the shop, but I know my sister has been struggling to find one for my 13-year-old nephew for over a year, so instead, I wrapped it up and took it round to hers and put it under the tree and quietly explained what it was and what had happened. My sister then gave me the funds for it.
My husband went ballistic shouting and demanding I go get it back, which I of course refused to do, telling him as it had been bought with my funds, it was my choice what happened to it. He is now sulking and refusing to talk to me and acting like a huge child.
For anyone curious about our financial situation and why I’m so angry, we each put half our salary into a communal family fund for the house, bills, groceries, etc. The other half is ours to play with as we want, my husband always blows through his and never saves a penny; half of my expendable dollars goes into savings for emergencies as I’m more realistic.
He refused to pay me back as it was an “emergency.”
I have emptied the emergency account that he has access to and put it all in my personal account that he does not have access to, including what I got from my sister for the PS5.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was very close to ESH – but honestly… he used emergency funds for a game console and then lost his crap when he suffered consequences. I think you would have been better off returning it to the store because I’m concerned about how your husband is going to treat your nephew because of it.
But… overall… NTJ. What he did was beyond childish; he is actively sabotaging your financial security for a game console.” Hefty_Candidate_4902
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you don’t put your foot down now, he will just keep doing it and doing it bigger and bigger. My ex-husband would throw temper tantrums whenever my student loan checks came in, demanding that I had to pay for half of a game system/TV/surround sound/game, etc., even though he would be the one using these items a majority of the time.
Even threatened to hurt himself a few times because these were the only things that could cure his depression. Coincidently, he was only ever this depressed when the dollars came in, and I think that’s because he refused to save his own checks because, in his twisted logic, he saw my student loan checks as some kind of “tax refund.” I helped with small things at first, but eventually, I had to stop because he was asking for way too much, and we needed the funds to pay for the apartment in which we kept these items.
One time, he drove us to a store, and we walked in straight to buy this television that he said he had cashed in his 401K to buy. We had a working TV at home, so it was just going to be a second TV. Then as we are going to pay, he asks me where my half is.
I put my foot down and said no. He begins to threaten to put me out on the street. So I 180’d and left. There happened to be a bus coming, so I got on and rode that home. He was crying when I walked through the door, right in front of his sparkly new TV.
He never again tried this with big-ticket items.” darkmoonfalling
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My wife and I have a communal fund that is used for bills/emergencies. We have both been wanting a PS5 for a while, but we talked it over and made sure that we were both okay with taking out of the emergency fund for.
If he had bought it with just his bank account, that would be different, but he bought it with both of your funds without your input. That’s a jerk move.” shadowknuxem
8. AITJ For Thinking About Suing A Family With Young Children?
“My wife and I bought our house two years ago from a young couple like us (27f/28m) who had an infant and were pregnant at the time.
A few weeks ago, we noticed some issues in the kitchen, and I came to find that the previous owners did the work themselves when they knocked out a load-bearing wall.
An engineer confirmed it is not permitted, and the supports are not sized right for the load.
The work to make the house compliant will cost a relatively large amount. This was never disclosed to us prior to sale, and our inspector didn’t catch it since quite frankly he didn’t know to look for it.
Our realtor informed us they are obligated to disclose unpermitted work prior to sale, and we can go to arbitration per our contract.
My wife is furious. I reached out to the previous owner and let him know what the deal was and wanted to go to arbitration to have them pay to have the work done right.
They have since denied going to arbitration, so our only contractual recourse is to litigate.
We have more means than this family, and they have little kids, so I’d feel like a huge jerk suing them and likely saddling them with a financial burden. But, in fairness, we were misled in the home sale.
Would I be the jerk if I sue?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Quit feeling like a jerk (huge or otherwise). They did detrimental work on the house before selling it to you, which was saddling your family with a financial burden down the road. This is their legal and moral issue, not yours, to bear.
They are stupid to not go to arbitration as that would be the cheaper route for them, and they are all but assured to lose in court.
Also, do check with the inspection company. There are some cases where they are bonded to cover some major issues they miss. I don’t know if that applies here or not, but it wouldn’t hurt to check.” snewton_8
Another User Comments:
“You would not be the jerk. You were deceived when buying this house. I would be furious like your wife. You should not have to bear the financial consequences of their actions. The fact that they have kids is irrelevant and should not stop you from pursuing legal action.
They know they’re at fault; that’s why they refused arbitration. Do not pay thousands of dollars for someone else’s mistake.
Edit: If you want to be kind, you can offer arbitration one more time before pursuing litigation. Tell them arbitration will be cheaper, but if they won’t agree, they will force you to sue.” tunacasserole27
Another User Comments:
“The kids have nothing to do with the fact you were misled into buying a house with shoddy work.
If your house collapses, somebody is injured, or the city condemns your property, how would you feel? Would you still think of his children while you deal with either homelessness, hospital bills, or expensive repairs?
Sue away, recover your damages, and do what you need to do. This is business, and the kids are not a factor. NTJ.” BeeYehWoo
7. AITJ For Wanting To Leave My Husband's Affair Baby With My Mother-In-Law While We Go On Vacation?
“My (f38) husband (m58) has a child from an affair he had a couple of years ago. I forgave my husband, but I can not force myself to see his son as my stepson. The custody arrangement is that my husband has him every other week, Christmas, and most of Christmas vacation this year falls on the days that he has him.
I have an annual trip that I and a few of the other housewives put together for all of the families. His ex-mistress, Leah, is refusing to take him for just this week. I told her she’s being selfish and that she should want to spend Christmas with her son; she said that so should my husband.
My husband agreed with me, so we decided we would drop him and his presents off at my mother-in-law’s house. When Leah found out, she was furious. She said I’m being selfish. I told her she’s the last one to be talking about being selfish, and she has so control over what my husband does with the child during the time he has custody of him.
My oldest daughter (f18) told me she agrees with Leah and that there’s no reason why he’s being punished for their affair. I told her to stay in a child’s place, and that if she keeps this up, she’ll be joining him.”
Another User Comments:
“I say, with all my heart, YTJ.
Whether you recognize it or not, that poor child is literally unwanted by either parent over Christmas. That’s absolutely heartbreaking. You may be angry over how this child came into the world – justifiably so – but he is still your husband’s child.
You have an agreement with Leah. The agreement is this is YOUR year with the child.
I’d imagine you were aware of that when you planned this trip but went ahead with it anyway, which puts you in the place of responsibility.
Stop being the evil stepmother, and be a safe place for this child.” NYC_L0veLight
Another User Comments:
“ESH – You are a jerk for punishing an innocent child who had no choice on being brought into the world and not including him as his father’s child (which, like it or not, makes him his family) and for the way you spoke to your 18-year-old ADULT daughter.
Your husband obviously a jerk for having an affair and then agreeing he should be dropped off for Christmas with grandparents instead of telling you how selfish and disrespectful of an adult you are about HIS child. Why even have designated custody time if he’s so willing to throw it away over a holiday?
I saw your comments about “only a 4-bed hotel room, so he couldn’t come even if you wanted to,” but this holiday trip according to you is planned yearly, and his custody time is prearranged, so this trip would have been planned, and you would have known that he was supposed to have the child.
The child’s baby momma is obviously a jerk for not having the father’s custody time reduced for putting him in a home where he’s hated so greatly that you AND your husband are willing to leave him with grandparents for a holiday.
Shame on all of you.” JstCrazyEnuf2Live
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your husband had an affair, not his son. And if you’re still married to your husband, that’s your stepson, like it or not. Treating him like he’s some kind of Cinderella just makes you the evil stepmother.
If you forgave your husband, then show the real grace of forgiveness, and involve the child in Christmas.
And please, remember what Christmas is all about. I highly doubt Jesus would be super proud of your decision here.
Also, your daughter is owed an apology. The only child who shouldn’t go on vacation is you.” MordantBooger
6. AITJ For Yelling At My Pregnant Sister For Telling Me Why Her Husband Wanted To Divorce Her?
“My sister is pregnant, 28 weeks. She had a massive falling out with her husband and wanted me to pick her up. I picked her up and brought her to my home. It took a few days, but she opened up to me. The gist is that they had decided to give their daughter our mom’s surname and pick out a first name from his culture.
She also had gotten in touch with our father and was working on mending their relationship. He convinced her that he should name the baby after his dead sister. She agreed, and when her husband found out that she wanted to name the child after her dad’s sister. He freaked out and had said he would divorce her.
I don’t know a kind way to phrase this, but our father is a garbage human. He never had a good thing to say, and he was and is racist. Her husband is brown. Her child is going to be mixed. How the heck can she name her child because of our racist dad?
This jerk told us to date white boys when we left for college! That was his great piece of advice.
I asked her if she was losing her grip on reality, and she was being an idiot, and of course, her husband would want to leave a man who didn’t attend their wedding and once got intoxicated during Thanksgiving and called him slurs.
I don’t understand what she is thinking.
I made it clear that I thought her decision was dumb. She was crying. She wants to go back. She isn’t talking to me, and I know I hurt her by yelling at her. My man also thinks that I should have been calmer about it, but I couldn’t keep my cool.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“While your delivery was rude, I’m going with NTJ. Tough love can be a good thing, and your sister needed to hear it. She’s given her husband a huge slap in the face, all to appease your father who, let’s be real, is never going to approve of a mixed child anyway.
At best, she comes to her senses too late and torched her marriage for nothing, and at worst, she becomes one of those white moms who subjects her child to whitewashing and cultural erasure.
And I disagree with people who say that the husband is a jerk. Even if your sister agrees to name the child something they agree on, and he decides not to divorce her, it’s still completely valid for him to have that emotion.
I’m mixed myself, and there’s a very special brand of racism that mixed people get. Divorcing means that he has his own home where his baby girl can be safe from that nonsense.” liaodiaga
Another User Comments:
“As someone also pregnant right now, 100% not the jerk.
That POOR CHILD.
Imagine growing up and finding out your abusive, racist grandfather was the one who got to name you, and your mom left your dad to defend a racist who hates you for being born because you have too much melanin.
In my opinion, you weren’t nearly harsh enough. She is setting her child up to have self-esteem issues their entire life just by interacting with this man in any capacity.” planetpharmasucks
Another User Comments:
“Well, first of all, she wasn’t going to name the baby AFTER the racist dad but on the dead sister. What was she like? Was she not garbage?
And is the husband’s issue that she wanted to name the baby after the garbage dad’s sister or that they agreed to each contribute part of the name and her planning to use your aunt’s name is very much not letting him choose a name from his culture?
Maybe he knows the whole story with the dad and it’s both, “We were going to name her a cultural name, and also, if you’re backing out of that, you’re going to take naming suggestions from your racist garbage father?!?!”
Which would be a fair reaction, I think.
But your upset seems to be entirely on your own issues with your father being the worst. That might not even be part of the issue for the husband and definitely isn’t the only one.
So it was certainly not helping to pile on and be mad about a different part of it when she’s already facing the possibility of divorce from her husband.
So I think, yes, YTJ to have chosen to have such an extreme reaction at that point in time. You really should have kept it in until she wasn’t around, vented to your husband or someone else about it, THEN when you both were in a better emotional place, tried to make the point to her without just yelling at her.” Forsaken_Distance777
5. AITJ For No Longer Making Lunches For My Wife?
She took his kind gesture for granted big time.
“I’m a stay-at-home dad of 3 kids (1M, 2F, 5M).
I pack lunches for my wife and 5-year-old every day. A few weeks ago, I noticed that my wife wasn’t eating the lunches I pack for her. I tried changing up the dishes, so she’d not feel bored. She still was bringing back her lunches uneaten.
I then asked her why she wasn’t eating the packed lunches. She said that her co-worker and her had found a really nice eatery near her work, so she’d been eating there. So I stopped making lunches because it was a waste of food if she wasn’t eating it.
Today, she tells me that I’m being childish by not packing her anything and that I should pack her lunches regardless of what she does with the food.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Being childish? What about returning with a packed lunch repeatedly that you put time and effort into? What a waste of food too.
How often does it happen that she comes back with uneaten lunch? And can/is it be eaten later?
If I’d see my partner coming back with an uneaten lunch that I made over and over and see it thrown in the trash I’d think… Well… What am I doing here making it?
Very much towards NTJ here. If it’s going to waste again and again (it’s one thing if it’s here and there), no, you’re not being childish. And it’s a waste of food if no one’s eating it.” Entwinedloop
Another User Comments:
“Throwing out lunches – wasteful. Expecting him to do something additional but call him childish when it’s a wasted effort – ungrateful.
She might be working but he is a stay-at-home dad. So he is essentially working for their homelife. He’s not sitting around doing nothing. 3 kids are hard. Working her job I’m sure is hard. She doesn’t make his lunches. He doesn’t go to a nice cafe daily. Like cmon…. gratitude, respect, and communication.
If she made lunches while working (like he does), and he threw them away… I’m sure she wouldn’t bother either. That’s rude and unnecessary. NTJ.” TheBlobArrrgh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I think she just liked that you did a thing for her. It’s cute, ya know? If my guy packed my lunches, I would feel loved. Like when my mom used to put a note in my lunches sometimes.
It’s a little thing that means more than it should.
That being said, it’s still a waste of food if she’s going to eat out regularly, but maybe you can pack her some non-perishable snacks? Something that reminds her you love her but nothing that would go to waste?” OctoLlama88
4. AITJ For Telling My Parents That They Can No Longer See My Child Unless They Begin Using The Proper Pronouns?
“8 months ago, my 15-year-old son came out to us as FTM transgender. It was a shock, but my husband and I love and accept him, and we immediately put him into therapy and gender counseling while he began his transition.
We understand that some people have difficulties understanding and being open-minded about the situation. When we told the family there were mixed responses, and there were some relatives that had to be cut off, unfortunately.
The two people having the hardest time are my parents, especially my mother. They have always been extremely close with my son as he is their first and only grandchild.
So at first, I gave them a little bit of leeway and at times would very gently remind them to use my son’s new name and correct pronouns. They were still struggling by the time we made it to Thanksgiving this year, and numerous times called my son the wrong name and pronouns in front of our whole family.
I know this really upsets my son, and while I love my parents and understand they are struggling, I am my son’s advocate.
A couple of days after Thanksgiving, I reached out and explained to them that unless they agree to use my son’s correct pronouns at Christmas this year (we always have it at their house), then we would not be attending, and they would no longer be allowed contact with our son.
They were very upset by this, and it truly does hurt me to do this to them because I know more than anyone how they are probably feeling, but I also know they are not trying, and I can only allow them to make their grandchild uncomfortable so many times.
Their main concerns are that our son will eventually change his mind, and while I validate their concerns, we have precautions put in place to help him. We agreed as a family that he will be in therapy for a year before he will be allowed to start hormone therapy treatment when he is 16.
My whole family pretty much disagrees with my decision. They agree that my parents need to try harder, but they also feel that I am being too harsh on them and forcing them to accept something they are not ready to accept. I cannot talk to a lot of my friends about this because they cannot relate to what my family is going through, hence why I’ve come here.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did exactly what the research shows trans teens need the most. They need a trusted supportive adult, and if that adult will stand up for them and enforce their boundaries, all the better.
One of the big tenants of my personal philosophy is, “Unconditional love does not mean unconditional participation.” That is the concept your family does not seem to be grasping.
You can all love each other unconditionally, but you will not make your son available to anyone who forces him to defend himself. When they misgender and deadname him, they force him to defend his mental health and his peace. When they pull the “what if it’s a phase” stuff, they force him to defend the very premise of who he is.
Every time they do that, they are showing your son that they respect their comfort more than they respect him. Good on you for showing him that he doesn’t have to tolerate that from anyone, no matter how much they love him.” JusttheBean
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So many young people discovering their true identities would love having a parent like you!!!
My nephew is trans and thankfully has an extended family that barely blinked. (His cousin is also trans, and I’m jealous of her beautiful hair.) But his grandmas still slip up, especially when they’re talking to each other. We gently correct their pronouns, and they’ve gotten way better. It’s not that they’re phobic, just older.
That said, forcing them to accept something they are not ready to accept.
You say they are not ready? They’ve had almost a year! They’ll never be ready. And forcing your child to accept being deadnamed because “you know old people” is horrible for your relatives to say. EDIT: My almost 80-year-old mom once said, “It’s amazing how many LGBTQ+ people there are nowadays than when I was young.” I had to let her know they’ve always been there, just have had to hide their truth until now.” bakd_couchpotato
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – My sibling is non-binary and used to use ‘they/their’ pronouns. I explained to them that this would be hard for me in speech when my brain/mouth is on autopilot. I was very upset about this as I was very supportive when they came out; I’m autistic and don’t deal with change, but they were very tomboyish before they came out, so it wasn’t much of a shock.
I’m alright in text as you can change it when you make a mistake. My sibling made the compromise I used ‘he’ instead of ‘she,’ and I happily agreed as it was only one letter difference, and I haven’t slipped up once. So my sibling now goes by he/they whichever you prefer.
They also say that if they can see you’re trying, it means the world to them. Our dad is like your parents, and I can see how it hurts them.” No_Bodybuilder8055
3. AITJ For Kicking A Bridesmaid Out Of The Wedding For Bullying The Maid Of Honor 13 Years Ago?
Proper communication would work wonders in this situation.
“I have two friends, “Daisy” and “Marie.” They went to high school together.
Daisy was the most popular girl in school and very mean girlish. I knew she had some history with Marie, but neither had shared many details. Daisy has told me some stuff about her life when she was younger, and it was a mess. She was out of control. Her mom is the worst, and her dad had like 4 or 5 wives.
Daisy and I are friends due to her and her husband spending summers in my state. Marie lives here, but usually spends most of the summer in the cape, so they haven’t had to mingle too much, outside of a couple of parties at my house. We are all in our early thirties now, so high school was roughly 13 years ago.
When I got engaged, I asked Daisy to be a bridesmaid and Marie to be the maid of honor, and they both accepted. Daisy was down here for Thanksgiving, and we did a lot of wedding planning. Marie was very quiet every time Daisy was around. Daisy then invited me on a trip for her birthday and casually invited Marie because she felt bad that her husband was out of the country on business (Daisy is super co-dependent with her husband, and if he is out of town, she makes her sister sleep with her, so I think this was genuine).
Marie ended up going because she is bad at saying no, but she broke down crying at the hotel that she is still afraid of Daisy and shared with me some of the things Daisy did to her in high school and how they still impact her life today, and she struggles a lot with self-esteem.
It did change the way I see Daisy a little. When we got back to our state, I asked Marie how she felt about Daisy being a bridesmaid, and she said it was giving her anxiety and bringing up bad feelings, and it is hard to see how happy Daisy is because Marie’s mom gave her the cliche speech about Daisy was going to peak in high school.
I decided I didn’t want Marie to feel this way and asked Daisy to step back as a bridesmaid.
Daisy got very upset and said she has been nothing but nice to Marie through this, and they were both kids. I said I still want her at the wedding, but I think this is too hard on Marie, especially with the destination bachelorette party, and she would have to be in close quarters with Daisy for multiple days.
Daisy said she won’t be at the wedding and hasn’t been talking to me.
Daisy’s husband sent me a long message about how I am ridiculous for punishing her for stuff she did as a kid and that I haven’t evolved from the time I was a teenager. He said knowing what I know about how dysfunctional her home life was, I should have more empathy.
Daisy’s husband actually knew her in high school and hated her, so I get what he is saying. I feel a little bad because it was a long time ago, but at the same time, I feel like if one person has to be uncomfortable it should be Daisy, the person who started this.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Personally, I’m leaning towards ESH.
Daisy for acting like it’s water under the bridge and not taking the time to realize that not everyone shares her forgiveness meter.
Marie, because instead of having an adult conversation or setting firm boundaries and not putting herself in positions where she is alone with her past bully, she makes it other people’s problem.
I can guarantee that she doesn’t feel bad for the drama this has caused because she got what she wanted.
You, because you were very quick to snap judgment on Daisy and go the nuclear route. Yes, it’s good to look out for your friends, but part of being an adult is compromising.
Marie doesn’t want to be alone with Daisy? There are ways to make that happen, even on a bachelorette party trip. It’s not Marie’s wedding, it’s yours.
None of what you have shared about Daisy’s current adult behavior shows her as a bully. It looks like, despite her past and the crappy people around her, she is making an effort to be a courteous and thoughtful adult, even if some of her meters are a little off.
What you did showed her that, that effort doesn’t matter. That’s going to be the lasting impact of this, and that’s the saddest part about all of it.” rando1955
Another User Comments:
‘”You guys are in your early 30s, and you are kicking Daisy out for something that happened in high school?
Like Marie’s problems are Marie’s problems. I get bullying hurts, but at some point, you need to get help for what happened. Maybe Marie needs to confront Daisy with what happened in high school and have them work it out.
The fact that you had a conversation with Marie about this but just kicked out Daisy without even actually talking to her first about the situation and trying to see if they can work it out kind of makes you a jerk.
Daisy shouldn’t have been kicked out because Marie has issues that she hasn’t worked on or resolved. They should have tried to resolve this before you kicked Daisy out. Even then I still wouldn’t have kicked Daisy out. If Marie had such an issue, she should be the one to leave.” CrazyPumpkin524
Another User Comments:
“A gentle YTJ. Your heart was in the right place, but I feel like steps could have been taken before just essentially kicking Daisy out, and that is where you messed up. Other comments keep saying you never said Daisy apologized, but after 13 years and the efforts she’s been making with Marie, maybe she felt it was better to just not dredge up the past. By the way you made her own youth sound, she was going through her own stuff, and at that age, sometimes we just suck.
Maybe she didn’t realize the lasting impact it had on Marie. I think you should have tried explaining all of this to Daisy and then seeing if there was a way they could all move forward. It is a tough situation, and I am glad you tried to have your maid of honor’s back… but still a gentle YTJ.” Easy-Ad5247
2. AITJ Telling My Sister She's The Reason I'll Never Adopt?
“I (30f) have three bio siblings (37m, 36m, 33f) and a sister (31f). My sister who I will call, Becky, bio’s mom is my mom’s cousin.
The story of Becky getting adopted by my parents was basically her bio parents were addicts that just came one day out of the blue for a visit then abandoned her at my house (she was 5 weeks old).
For a few weeks, they tried to get my cousin’s family to take her, but those jerks didn’t want the shame of a baby with medical issues who was born out of wedlock. My parents fell in love with Becky, and the rest was history.
Thankfully, all Becky really needed was love and a good home.
She beat a lot of odds and leads a healthy, successful life.
My parents never hid the fact Becky was adopted (she’s biracial), and we all learned about her heritage growing up. Everything was perfect till her parents reached out when she was 22; they were clean and wanted a relationship.
In the space of a few months, she became a different person. It was like she hated us for taking her away from her bio parents as soon as she finished college and got the $22,000 check my parents gifted her (it’s a start-up we all got).
She ghosted us and sent a letter to my parents telling them if they ever tried to contact her again, she’ll file a restraining order.
She got married, and none of us even knew.
Her mother passed away when she was 26 which lead her father to relapse then, unfortunately, die 8 months later. After Becky reached out, my parents welcomed her back with open arms, but I still can’t.
This leads to now; My husband and I recently had a baby via IVF after 6 years of trying (5 natural).
I brought my son to meet the family tonight, and after dinner, the girls of our family were in the living room. I thought up how our baby was worth everything (explaining my struggles) and that I’m gonna start naturally trying soon, so he will have a sibling. Becky made a comment about why we didn’t look into adoption since the world was already over-populated.
I told her, “Honestly, we thought about it, but after all the crap you pulled, I’m afraid you’re the reason I will never adopt.”
Becky yelled at me to get over it already, then left, and my mother said I shouldn’t have spoken to her like that, so in the end, I ended up leaving early too.
My siblings are on my side, but my parents are extremely mad. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Becky was abandoned by her birth parents and then abandoned by the rest of their family who didn’t want to take on a child with health needs. That type of thing can create huge issues and a disordered attachment style (basically, insecurity over whether people really love her.) I’m involved in foster care, and this type of thing is very normal. Becky perhaps felt that she almost needed to abandon her adoptive family in order to prove that her bio family really did love her.
A bit twisted, but I’m sure her emotions at the time were very, very intense.
This is why, in foster care, even when it is very messy and complicated, we usually try to make sure children have contact with bio family – so they don’t develop some fantasy of what their ‘real’ family is like and run off to them the first chance they get.
Did Becky act fantastically? No, she didn’t. But, being the only adopted child in your family and bi-racial too must not have been very easy. I’m sure she felt quite different a lot of the time.
She asked why you wouldn’t adopt, and she got her answer.
I’d leave it there.” Classroom_Visual
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I hate to break it to you, but biological children can also do screwed-up things that hurt their parents. What about all of the teens who run away from home to be with their friends or significant others? Any kid is capable of hurting their parents.
It’s not exclusive to adopted kids.
Don’t have kids at all if you don’t want to take risks.” cabinetsnotnow
Another User Comments:
“ESH, your sister and you have a lot going on, but that has nothing to do with adoption. Your situation is already messy, so it’s not going to be the normal adoption procedure.
I think it’s incredibly harmful for you to say that to your sister not because of how it hurts her feelings but your views on adoption. You have to know that your situation is not the norm. And you definitely were just saying that to hurt her because you have justified unresolved emotions/conflict.
I just think your comment was out of line and irrelevant and a very low blow. Her adoption already made her spiral once, so I don’t know why you’re using that to hurt her. Just sounds mean. Granted that’s y’alls beef. Your issues are regular lack of communication and interpersonal relationships, not because she’s adopted.” NEBS_99
1. AITJ For Being Ungrateful Of The Cake My Man Made Me?
“I (33f) have been seeing a man, “Alex” (34m), for almost 3 years.
Alex has a 13-year-old daughter from a previous marriage that he has full custody of.
When we met, Alex was doing very well. He made 6 figures, and he had a decent house in a fine neighborhood. I had a slightly lower-paying job. Almost a year and a half ago, his job had to cut some employees, and he was one of them.
He had to take on a job, and he earned much less than he had before.
I moved into their house 5 months ago. Since I moved in, I have helped a lot with the bills, usually half or more of them.
Yesterday was my birthday. I wanted to celebrate at a nice restaurant near us; however, it was closed. There was another one a little closer to us; although it was more expensive.
I suggested going there for my birthday to Alex, and he said that he couldn’t afford to pay for dinner there, and if we went, we would need to split the bill. I was a little upset, but he said he would make something himself.
The cake I wanted was, admittedly, somewhat expensive.
I pointed it out to him, and he said again that he didn’t think he could afford it with Christmas coming up, and we’d have to go half. I told him I wasn’t paying for a cake for my own birthday, and he said he’d see what he could do.
Well, yesterday came. He made dinner, and it was quite good, better than most meals we eat, although not as good as what it would be at a restaurant. However, when he brought the cake out it was just something he had made himself.
He said he was sorry he couldn’t afford the nicer cake, but he had made this one and his daughter had helped.
I pretended to enjoy it, but after, I told him that I was hoping for a slightly nicer cake. He said he had tried his best, and he couldn’t spend much as he had set aside for bills on a cake.
I guess his daughter heard because now he’s also saying that I made her upset after she helped make it.
He keeps saying I should apologize to her and say that I really liked it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, wow. You sound conceited and unappreciative of what you have. I would consider a homemade cake and meal much more of a heartfelt birthday gift than someone forking out $200 on me at dinner.
You lucked out with this guy, but be careful because it sounds like you don’t realize it, and soon enough, he will end up with someone who does.” EveningJellyfish1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
My God, you’re entitled. He tried his best within your family budget. The budget is there to ensure your family’s able to feel supported and healthy.
Your whining reads like, “Why can’t he just sacrifice the financial security of the family because I want a fancy restaurant, and I want a fancy cake?” At least you got a cake and one that was made with LOVE. That kind of gesture is a blessing. You were surrounded by people who love you and sincerely wanted to celebrate you.
Show some gratitude.
All your background details about him at one time earning six figures, but now it’s less, and you’ve had to pick up the “slack” is both telling and is irrelevant to this story. It only points out that you got together with him partially because you wanted a certain kind of wealthy lifestyle, and you have some feelings about not affording it anymore.
So for your birthday, you just wanted to pretend to be rich, just a little bit. That’s what makes YTJ.” askingforafriendzone
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
This is literally the situation where “It’s the thought that counts” applies. Your man couldn’t afford what you wanted, especially because he has a kid to provide for, but did what he could for you, and his daughter pitched in.
You have a right to feel disappointment, but to express it, especially in front of the daughter, demonstrates self-centeredness and lack of empathy for which there is no defense. You’re not a child; you don’t get to hurt by those you love when you don’t get the things you want, especially when your loved ones do their best to make up for not being able to provide it.
You hurt a kid’s feelings needlessly.
In my opinion, you need to go to both of them and admit that your reaction was selfish and hurtful, thank them sincerely for their efforts, and find some other way to make it up to them.” Bunpoh
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Honestly, I'd just start making plans with Ava every year for a trip and let him cater to Ella.